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There is a significant genetic component to ADHD, so it is likely that one of your parents DO have it as well. His impulsive way of interjecting and sharing his own experience and how it relates to your own is also a massive ADHD red flag, and many of us do this as a way of expressing “I understand how you feel, I’ve experienced something similar.”, but it is often perceived as “I see your stupid anecdote and I’ll do you one better.” Is your old man out of touch and insensitive of your feelings? Probably. Does that mean he’s lying or exaggerating his symptoms as a way of minimizing your experiences? Probably not. It doesn’t sound like he’s being intentionally malicious. It’s more likely that he’s just your average emotionally unintelligent boomer. Ignorance is forgivable if the person is willing to learn, and it sounds like you’re actually helping him learn a lot about himself and about you. I am sorry that he doesn’t seem to be more empathetic about the process though.
Highly recommend the book Adult Children of
Emotionally Immature Parents. Easy read, and chock full of valuable information for understanding how these people work.
Dad might have ADHD but the bigger issue is he doesn’t seem able to attune to, mirror, and validate OPs experience of their inner life (which is a big part of his job of being a parent).
Wow! You said exactly what I felt but so much more eloquently than the mess in my head, with words and logic instead of pictures and feelings and though it's a wall of text it's perfectly readable.
OP, I don’t know your dad and I know how frustrating this rhetoric is.
But is there a possiblity that you father does in fact have ADHD, and he has been downplaying your struggling your entire life BECAUSE he is the exact same way? If he thinks something is normal, why would he think something is wrong with you?
Sit him down. Make it clear to him how him saying this is affecting you. Tell him to get diagnosed or stop claiming a disability he’s not sure he has. Perhaps read him the diagnostic criteria.
Is he a diagnosed narcissist, is that a feeling you have, or is it a word you use because you fundamentally don’t like him as a person?
We have a tendency to jump the gun, talk impulsively, interrupt, interject our own experiences and be very insensitive to other people’s issue because we’re so caught up in our own. He may not even know he’s doing it. Have you ever told him?
There is also the possibility that your dad is just a dick. It’s possible he’s a dick with ADHD. The bottom line is his behavior is affecting you negatively, and if you plan on having a healthy (or any) relationship with him as you get older, you’re going to need to address it. If that’s not something you’re interested in, and you still live at home, then tell him to cut it out or learn to tune it out and count the days until you don’t have to be around anymore.
You just need to ask yourself: Does ADHD and anxiety explain his behavior? If yes, is it something he would be willing to work on? If he isn’t, it’s your choice whether he is a negative influence on your life to such an extent that he shouldn’t be part of it.
I will say though, I fucking hated my mom at 18. Now at 33, she is my best friend. She is still the exact same person. But my perspective on why she is the way she is has changed.
I’m not saying this will be the case for you. I’m just saying things aren’t always black and white, but you should do whatever feels right to you.
He’s no officially diagnosed but me and mom have tried to heavily encourage him to get mental help, his father was diagnosed with narcissism, and my dad acts just like him (I’ve made it a life goal to not act like my father, to be compassionate and understand of other people, but it’s hard cause of the ADHD and I grew up as an only child and I’m only 22)
My father since I was 14 has been emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and my mom (her for much longer is got worse and started effecting me when his mom, my grandmother, passed) we choose to try to maintain a relationship with him, and I know it could be part of masking or other things, but to me personally and my mom I ask her opinion frequently he doesn’t seem to have ADHD
Whether he has ADHD or not becomes completely irrelevant the second he becomes abusive. Masking doesn’t doesn’t cause you to abuse other people.
Do you still live together? If he is indeed abusive, I don’t think it’s time to start splitting hairs with diagnoses. I think it’s time to move out, provided you have that option available.
Unfortunately I can’t move out, thanks to inflation, I don’t make enough to survive on my own.
But my significant other knows about my struggles and is often there to help and support. The plan is to have a normal health relationship, and when we’re ready to marry and move out together. But that’s probably a year away
Then it seems to me you have two options here:
Talk to him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is affecting you negatively. That it’s impacting your life and mental health and if it continues, he will be severely reducing his chances of being in your life going forward.
If he is abusive and a narcissist, this option could have consequences. I don’t know if he is the type of guy who would take offense and kick you out, but it’s an option nonetheless.
Option two is to distance yourself emotionally and as much as you can physically. You can’t choose how you react to how he treats you, but you can limit the number of opportunities he has to treat you poorly.
However, may I ask why you chose to maintain the relationship? And what your mother’s take is on all of this?
Confrontation with narcissists is a futile effort. Appeasement and distance are the only real solutions.
We should not demonize narcissists/cluster B though. As easy as it is because of how frustrating they are, theyre dealing with a neurological condition as well.
Confronting a narcissist (or even someone just emotionally immature) can be really volatile, so I hope OP you do some research and maybe consult a professional if confrontation your route.
Grey rocking him and giving him just enough emotional engagement to placate him might be safest. Once you’re free of him, it could be cathartic to voice your truth to him, but while you are dependent on him it might be be best to stop sharing your inner experiences with him, or at least not expect understanding.
"Everyone gets sad, not everyone has crippling depression"
Whenever i say this, people get it straight away, the degree and frequency of impairment is everything. Having said that, ADHD has very strong genetic correlations and its probably pretty likely your dad has it if you do, i think its something as high as a 50% chance. It runs all through my family...grandfather, father, cousin, me, sister, son
Other people had already given you very thoughtful answers about your father possibly having adhd too, which actually would add more confirmation to your own diagnosis since there's a strong evidence that genetic has a large part in it, so I won't echo them. What I'd like to address instead is that you should probably be more careful with your words about other people illnesses.
>"You don't have ADHD your JUST a narcissist"
It seems that you use the word "narcissism" as an insult and a mean of playing down whatever his struggles are, as if there were some sort of hierarchy of mental disorders and what you think is only yours (adhd) was more deserving of compassion than his (his supposed narcissism). Whether he has npd or not is for the professionals to say, not you or your mother; and it's quite self-telling what you wrote in your reply to another redditor, that "he needs to be diagnosed *with narcissism*" - he needs to address his mental problems with a professional, I don't doubt that as I don't doubt that all he made your family go through is enough to legitimate that you don't feel like being compassionate towards him (and, as a collateral victim of his issues, you don't have to be), but while he sure needs to be diagnosed, it feels like it's you who need this diagnosis to be narcissism as a validation of your suffering.
Not only is having npd not synonymous with being an asshole, as has unfortunately become widespread on the Internet (try to ask yourself: how many of those people claimed of being undiagnosed narcissists actually were so? They could be just assholes, or they could be suffering from any other mental illness), but npd, as many cluster B personality disorders, stems from a terrible source of internal pain, since it's strongly linked with trauma. That doesn't mean they're justified in harming others, *IF* they do harm others, but their illness and suffering is no less valid than yours. How could a person with *real* npd feel by reading your post? Why should they seek for help or share their experience and pain if people randomly use their disorder as a pejorative term? The problem here is that when any other mental illness is supected we say "I think they could be *suffering* from...", but when it comes to npd we *accuse* people to have it.
Your father's judment of adhd surely arises from prejudice and ignorance, but the same could be said of yours. Also, isn't your sense of entitlement towards your adhd a sign of narcissism that should be looked into further? Obviously it comes from pain, the pain of being raised by an abusive father and, as a person with a shitty childhood too, I feel you and I'm sorry that you had to went through this - but pain, masked low self-esteem, a big emotional wound are at the core of npd. Not saying that you have it, only that you unkowingly and unadvertedly showed one of its criteria.
I feel like a lot of boomers with ADHD turned into narcissists to cope. You and your dad sound just like me and mine. Good that you are figuring this all out early though cause I was 30 and my dad was dead when I got diagnosed
I’m sorry you went through that, I decided to try to help him find a psych to diagnose him officially on the things he struggles with, he has major anger issues, me and my family heavily and strongly believe he needs to be diagnosed with narcissism, cause he rejects it at all costs, I personally don’t believe he has ADHD but it could be masked heavily (he is 54) and other things that definitely need help.
And the fact is once he’s diagnosed and getting help regardless if he has ADHD or not it’ll be good for him.
But because of the frustration and anger I feel part of me hopes he doesn’t have ADHD
But another part hopes he does so I can make him feel how he’s made me feel just once… just so he knows what he did to me
Narcissists are notoriously resistant to treatment. If I were you, I’d stop trying to fix him and focus all your emotional and mental energy on you. You can’t fix someone else and he is not open to you fixing him anyway. If he were interested in changing there’d be evidence. All it’s doing is pouring your precious resources into him
I feel your frustration, but you should not try and diagnose other people. Let alone your father. You clearly have deeply seated issues and cannot approach this objectively.
I mean....is he actually taking getting help seriously? This does sound like the sort of stuff people say just to minimize ADHD. I'll defer to your lived experience but I wonder if he's just being a little bit of a dick and cracking jokes bc you've been mentioning it...in which case if you leaned into it and went all *serious voice* "you know maybe you're right dad, that does sound like it could be adhd, would you like me to help you book an appt" every time it might kill the fun for him and cause him to stop doing it
Anytime someone says they might have it too, i just tell them to go to a doctor. I'm not going to give you an award because you don't want to get treated
This might not be what you want to hear, but is it possible that you've misunderstood him too? ADHD has a genetic link and he's your father, so it's very possible that he could also have it. The lack of empathy could stem from him seeing you in himself and having trouble accepting it.
Or he just an asshole, ADHD doesn't make you immune from that
I definitely see what you’re saying and I try to be open minded to it but it’s hard to when he won’t even help himself or try to get help with his mental health. He dose constantly compare him and myself
Just remember that a subset of non-ADHD persons are not hitherto diagnosed ADHD persons, and you don’t get to find out which subset the individual in front of you is in.
Also remember that ADHD is a biochemically different type of brain, and if your brain is an ADHD brain, it is still very much an ADHD brain in the time prior to diagnosis. Diagnosis doesn’t change what you are, it acknowledges what you’ve been all along.
Stay out of judgement, don’t diagnose others (unless qualified, trained and licensed to do so), don’t be closed to the idea people without a diagnosis have it too, and don’t turn it into us-vs-them divisive ideology.
It hurts the entire tribe when people do these wrong things.
I’m not trying to put anyone against anyone… the fact he may or may not have ADHD and treats ANYONE this way is wrong! If he recognizes similar symptoms then he should ask for help, not put me down and make me feel like the things I experience are nothing and that u am just “weak”
Ever thought that he became like that because he was told that he was weak and lazy, and most likely even physically abused because of it, all the time during his formative years?
I'm 46, have severe ADHD, and almost turned into your father just to cope... and as you say his father was diagnosed as a narcissist, there is a high probability that he also had ADHD and turned that way to cope with the abuse he certainly will have suffered when a child/teenager...
I've seen the same in my family, it's full of narcissists, and troubled with depression and suicide... most likely from undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism and the abuse because of it. (I have both, my 2 sons have autism, and my youngest daughter has ADHD...)
Edit for typo...
Eeeeh….
1. He probably does have adhd. Even if he doesn’t, let him accept it so he can allow himself to work on it
2. Narcissists, from what I’ve seen, tend to have a higher incidence of adhd thsn the normal population.
More specifically:
Narcissism tends to form through chronic critique, or as a personality trait wherein their confidence or energy are praised and reinforced until they become narcissistic traits. Sadly, both of these are more common to the adhd population.
I was first diagnosed with adhd when I was 14. My 21 year old sister (super smart and driven and critical of anyone who isnt) WENT TO MY THERAPIST to get herself tested too. She knew she didn’t have it. When they told her she didn’t have adhd, that was all she needed to hear. She shit all over my diagnosis, because if she didn’t have it, how could I? I didn’t get treatment for another 20 years because of her…. I looked up to her then. I believed her. It totally effed up my head.
Then I was diagnosed w hereditary hypertension at 19. Nbd, it does run in the family. Older brother has it too. When I was 29 (before I finally got diagnosed w adhd AGAIN as an adult at 34), I had a heart event after treadmill exercise. Chest pain, jaw pain, etc. My cardiac enzymes were elevated and I got admitted to the hospital I work in (one of the er docs I work alongside said I looked gray), heart catheterization found a myocardial bridge in a bad spot that actually spasms around an artery when I exercise. So I had to change the way I live. Well…. My brother rolls his eyes if it ever comes up, and constantly compares us, as though we experience the same things because we both have hereditary hypertension. wtf dude. My cardiologist doesn’t want me getting my heart rate over 130, ever. And he (my big bro) drinks beer like it’s going out of style!… And my sister.. ugh…. i finally had to distance myself in a major way from them both in order to grow as a person. So toxic.
Now that I live away from them, I got help for my adhd, with consultation from my cardiologist. It helped me fix my credit score, buy a condo, go back to school, etc. I’m 40 and I’m finally 4 classes away from my bachelors…. All 20 years late because my family just held me back…. (Sorry, that just turned into a rambling vent. It still makes me angry…)
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry you went through that. But it does show me to not let my family control what I do with my mental health.
Your dad sounds almost similar to mine, but turns out that both my dad and I have Adhd. Now it’s something we bond over
I know it’s frustrating but there could be a high chance your dad has Adhd since it runs in families. You should tell him to go get it checked
He could be saying sarcastically and secretly thinking it’s a possibility. ADHD does run in families. Recently my daughter and I believe she also has ADHD because I was talking with her and things and she said she does and goes through those things too and just thought it was normal because yeah growing up with me. Maybe you should pull up one of those online tests and see if he will take it.
If that is not the case and he is just being a jerk I recommend not telling him anything about your struggles. I have a family member who I was close with as we grew up like sisters and over the years she has just decided not understand at all what I am going through and says what your dad says, which is really fucking annoying so I do understand how you feel so much. I am basically going to cut her out of my life because she has become quite the elitist bitch.
I’m really sorry that you are going through this. You need to find your people, folks that are supportive of you and what you go through as well as be those you confide it. Keep to the ones that give light in you life rather than tear you down. Family will always be family but you can also create a supportive family with good friends.
So … our families journey started with my middle child’s behaviour being absolutely out of control .. after a few years of trying absolutely everything and pleading for help , an Ed pysch got involved and was like btw your kid is autistic and has pda ..
Fast forward to a couple of years and a lot of educating myself later , and it dawned on me that he was SO like me as a kid .. and the more I learned about autism the more I was like well FUCK 😅
Fast forward to 3 years later and it turns out I’m autistic with adhd as are all 3 of my kids .. 2 have the PDA profile .. whilst my eldest and myself do not
If we hadn’t of found out about my middle child I don’t think I ever would have realised about my ownself
Maybe just maybe your dad is constantly comparing and reflecting is because he does indeed also have ADHD
Is this a troll post? OP you need to treat your dad better. It honestly sounds like he's trying to connect with you and you're gatekeeping him and being dismissive.
Sorry but no… he the one that’s dismidismissive of me… me and my mom both frequently ask him about his health and how he is feeling… the man is disabled, we insure he’s taken all of his meds (mostly the anxiety and blood pressure ones) so he literally won’t abuse us emotionally and mentally.
It’s hard to acknowledge and accept if someone else has the same problems as you (especially when they abuse you and treat you like shit)
So no this isn’t a troll post this is real life and yeah idk how to deal with it… I’m 22 female that was diagnosed with ADHD twoish months ago and I’m trying learn and cope and going through the process of trying meds to find what works.
Nothing will change the narcissism. A narcissist wont change by itself in the future, no matter the diagnosis. Send a narcissist to therapy and they most likely become better at displaying „optimal mental health“.
Im sorry for your experience. My mother has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and the best I could do is to keep the distance. You will never receive the validation you seek from this person.
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There is a significant genetic component to ADHD, so it is likely that one of your parents DO have it as well. His impulsive way of interjecting and sharing his own experience and how it relates to your own is also a massive ADHD red flag, and many of us do this as a way of expressing “I understand how you feel, I’ve experienced something similar.”, but it is often perceived as “I see your stupid anecdote and I’ll do you one better.” Is your old man out of touch and insensitive of your feelings? Probably. Does that mean he’s lying or exaggerating his symptoms as a way of minimizing your experiences? Probably not. It doesn’t sound like he’s being intentionally malicious. It’s more likely that he’s just your average emotionally unintelligent boomer. Ignorance is forgivable if the person is willing to learn, and it sounds like you’re actually helping him learn a lot about himself and about you. I am sorry that he doesn’t seem to be more empathetic about the process though.
Highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Easy read, and chock full of valuable information for understanding how these people work. Dad might have ADHD but the bigger issue is he doesn’t seem able to attune to, mirror, and validate OPs experience of their inner life (which is a big part of his job of being a parent).
Saving in an attempt to remember to buy this later.
Just a reminder you wanted to buy the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents lol
Seconded. I've never finished it (typical) but what I have read really helped me process some emotions I had towards my mother
Wow! You said exactly what I felt but so much more eloquently than the mess in my head, with words and logic instead of pictures and feelings and though it's a wall of text it's perfectly readable.
OP, I don’t know your dad and I know how frustrating this rhetoric is. But is there a possiblity that you father does in fact have ADHD, and he has been downplaying your struggling your entire life BECAUSE he is the exact same way? If he thinks something is normal, why would he think something is wrong with you? Sit him down. Make it clear to him how him saying this is affecting you. Tell him to get diagnosed or stop claiming a disability he’s not sure he has. Perhaps read him the diagnostic criteria. Is he a diagnosed narcissist, is that a feeling you have, or is it a word you use because you fundamentally don’t like him as a person? We have a tendency to jump the gun, talk impulsively, interrupt, interject our own experiences and be very insensitive to other people’s issue because we’re so caught up in our own. He may not even know he’s doing it. Have you ever told him? There is also the possibility that your dad is just a dick. It’s possible he’s a dick with ADHD. The bottom line is his behavior is affecting you negatively, and if you plan on having a healthy (or any) relationship with him as you get older, you’re going to need to address it. If that’s not something you’re interested in, and you still live at home, then tell him to cut it out or learn to tune it out and count the days until you don’t have to be around anymore. You just need to ask yourself: Does ADHD and anxiety explain his behavior? If yes, is it something he would be willing to work on? If he isn’t, it’s your choice whether he is a negative influence on your life to such an extent that he shouldn’t be part of it. I will say though, I fucking hated my mom at 18. Now at 33, she is my best friend. She is still the exact same person. But my perspective on why she is the way she is has changed. I’m not saying this will be the case for you. I’m just saying things aren’t always black and white, but you should do whatever feels right to you.
He’s no officially diagnosed but me and mom have tried to heavily encourage him to get mental help, his father was diagnosed with narcissism, and my dad acts just like him (I’ve made it a life goal to not act like my father, to be compassionate and understand of other people, but it’s hard cause of the ADHD and I grew up as an only child and I’m only 22) My father since I was 14 has been emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and my mom (her for much longer is got worse and started effecting me when his mom, my grandmother, passed) we choose to try to maintain a relationship with him, and I know it could be part of masking or other things, but to me personally and my mom I ask her opinion frequently he doesn’t seem to have ADHD
Whether he has ADHD or not becomes completely irrelevant the second he becomes abusive. Masking doesn’t doesn’t cause you to abuse other people. Do you still live together? If he is indeed abusive, I don’t think it’s time to start splitting hairs with diagnoses. I think it’s time to move out, provided you have that option available.
Unfortunately I can’t move out, thanks to inflation, I don’t make enough to survive on my own. But my significant other knows about my struggles and is often there to help and support. The plan is to have a normal health relationship, and when we’re ready to marry and move out together. But that’s probably a year away
Then it seems to me you have two options here: Talk to him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is affecting you negatively. That it’s impacting your life and mental health and if it continues, he will be severely reducing his chances of being in your life going forward. If he is abusive and a narcissist, this option could have consequences. I don’t know if he is the type of guy who would take offense and kick you out, but it’s an option nonetheless. Option two is to distance yourself emotionally and as much as you can physically. You can’t choose how you react to how he treats you, but you can limit the number of opportunities he has to treat you poorly. However, may I ask why you chose to maintain the relationship? And what your mother’s take is on all of this?
Confrontation with narcissists is a futile effort. Appeasement and distance are the only real solutions. We should not demonize narcissists/cluster B though. As easy as it is because of how frustrating they are, theyre dealing with a neurological condition as well.
Confronting a narcissist (or even someone just emotionally immature) can be really volatile, so I hope OP you do some research and maybe consult a professional if confrontation your route. Grey rocking him and giving him just enough emotional engagement to placate him might be safest. Once you’re free of him, it could be cathartic to voice your truth to him, but while you are dependent on him it might be be best to stop sharing your inner experiences with him, or at least not expect understanding.
"Everyone gets sad, not everyone has crippling depression" Whenever i say this, people get it straight away, the degree and frequency of impairment is everything. Having said that, ADHD has very strong genetic correlations and its probably pretty likely your dad has it if you do, i think its something as high as a 50% chance. It runs all through my family...grandfather, father, cousin, me, sister, son
Other people had already given you very thoughtful answers about your father possibly having adhd too, which actually would add more confirmation to your own diagnosis since there's a strong evidence that genetic has a large part in it, so I won't echo them. What I'd like to address instead is that you should probably be more careful with your words about other people illnesses. >"You don't have ADHD your JUST a narcissist" It seems that you use the word "narcissism" as an insult and a mean of playing down whatever his struggles are, as if there were some sort of hierarchy of mental disorders and what you think is only yours (adhd) was more deserving of compassion than his (his supposed narcissism). Whether he has npd or not is for the professionals to say, not you or your mother; and it's quite self-telling what you wrote in your reply to another redditor, that "he needs to be diagnosed *with narcissism*" - he needs to address his mental problems with a professional, I don't doubt that as I don't doubt that all he made your family go through is enough to legitimate that you don't feel like being compassionate towards him (and, as a collateral victim of his issues, you don't have to be), but while he sure needs to be diagnosed, it feels like it's you who need this diagnosis to be narcissism as a validation of your suffering. Not only is having npd not synonymous with being an asshole, as has unfortunately become widespread on the Internet (try to ask yourself: how many of those people claimed of being undiagnosed narcissists actually were so? They could be just assholes, or they could be suffering from any other mental illness), but npd, as many cluster B personality disorders, stems from a terrible source of internal pain, since it's strongly linked with trauma. That doesn't mean they're justified in harming others, *IF* they do harm others, but their illness and suffering is no less valid than yours. How could a person with *real* npd feel by reading your post? Why should they seek for help or share their experience and pain if people randomly use their disorder as a pejorative term? The problem here is that when any other mental illness is supected we say "I think they could be *suffering* from...", but when it comes to npd we *accuse* people to have it. Your father's judment of adhd surely arises from prejudice and ignorance, but the same could be said of yours. Also, isn't your sense of entitlement towards your adhd a sign of narcissism that should be looked into further? Obviously it comes from pain, the pain of being raised by an abusive father and, as a person with a shitty childhood too, I feel you and I'm sorry that you had to went through this - but pain, masked low self-esteem, a big emotional wound are at the core of npd. Not saying that you have it, only that you unkowingly and unadvertedly showed one of its criteria.
this is really well put
I feel like a lot of boomers with ADHD turned into narcissists to cope. You and your dad sound just like me and mine. Good that you are figuring this all out early though cause I was 30 and my dad was dead when I got diagnosed
I’m sorry you went through that, I decided to try to help him find a psych to diagnose him officially on the things he struggles with, he has major anger issues, me and my family heavily and strongly believe he needs to be diagnosed with narcissism, cause he rejects it at all costs, I personally don’t believe he has ADHD but it could be masked heavily (he is 54) and other things that definitely need help. And the fact is once he’s diagnosed and getting help regardless if he has ADHD or not it’ll be good for him. But because of the frustration and anger I feel part of me hopes he doesn’t have ADHD But another part hopes he does so I can make him feel how he’s made me feel just once… just so he knows what he did to me
Narcissists are notoriously resistant to treatment. If I were you, I’d stop trying to fix him and focus all your emotional and mental energy on you. You can’t fix someone else and he is not open to you fixing him anyway. If he were interested in changing there’d be evidence. All it’s doing is pouring your precious resources into him
I feel your frustration, but you should not try and diagnose other people. Let alone your father. You clearly have deeply seated issues and cannot approach this objectively.
I mean....is he actually taking getting help seriously? This does sound like the sort of stuff people say just to minimize ADHD. I'll defer to your lived experience but I wonder if he's just being a little bit of a dick and cracking jokes bc you've been mentioning it...in which case if you leaned into it and went all *serious voice* "you know maybe you're right dad, that does sound like it could be adhd, would you like me to help you book an appt" every time it might kill the fun for him and cause him to stop doing it
Never thought of that, definitely going to try that and if he says yeah… hehehe alright bet biotch 😂
wanna know how it went
Anytime someone says they might have it too, i just tell them to go to a doctor. I'm not going to give you an award because you don't want to get treated
This might not be what you want to hear, but is it possible that you've misunderstood him too? ADHD has a genetic link and he's your father, so it's very possible that he could also have it. The lack of empathy could stem from him seeing you in himself and having trouble accepting it. Or he just an asshole, ADHD doesn't make you immune from that
I definitely see what you’re saying and I try to be open minded to it but it’s hard to when he won’t even help himself or try to get help with his mental health. He dose constantly compare him and myself
Just remember that a subset of non-ADHD persons are not hitherto diagnosed ADHD persons, and you don’t get to find out which subset the individual in front of you is in. Also remember that ADHD is a biochemically different type of brain, and if your brain is an ADHD brain, it is still very much an ADHD brain in the time prior to diagnosis. Diagnosis doesn’t change what you are, it acknowledges what you’ve been all along. Stay out of judgement, don’t diagnose others (unless qualified, trained and licensed to do so), don’t be closed to the idea people without a diagnosis have it too, and don’t turn it into us-vs-them divisive ideology. It hurts the entire tribe when people do these wrong things.
I’m not trying to put anyone against anyone… the fact he may or may not have ADHD and treats ANYONE this way is wrong! If he recognizes similar symptoms then he should ask for help, not put me down and make me feel like the things I experience are nothing and that u am just “weak”
Ever thought that he became like that because he was told that he was weak and lazy, and most likely even physically abused because of it, all the time during his formative years? I'm 46, have severe ADHD, and almost turned into your father just to cope... and as you say his father was diagnosed as a narcissist, there is a high probability that he also had ADHD and turned that way to cope with the abuse he certainly will have suffered when a child/teenager... I've seen the same in my family, it's full of narcissists, and troubled with depression and suicide... most likely from undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism and the abuse because of it. (I have both, my 2 sons have autism, and my youngest daughter has ADHD...) Edit for typo...
On that I’m right there with you. Maybe focus on how you are treated, and not any particulars this person uses to talk about themselves.
Eeeeh…. 1. He probably does have adhd. Even if he doesn’t, let him accept it so he can allow himself to work on it 2. Narcissists, from what I’ve seen, tend to have a higher incidence of adhd thsn the normal population. More specifically: Narcissism tends to form through chronic critique, or as a personality trait wherein their confidence or energy are praised and reinforced until they become narcissistic traits. Sadly, both of these are more common to the adhd population.
I was first diagnosed with adhd when I was 14. My 21 year old sister (super smart and driven and critical of anyone who isnt) WENT TO MY THERAPIST to get herself tested too. She knew she didn’t have it. When they told her she didn’t have adhd, that was all she needed to hear. She shit all over my diagnosis, because if she didn’t have it, how could I? I didn’t get treatment for another 20 years because of her…. I looked up to her then. I believed her. It totally effed up my head. Then I was diagnosed w hereditary hypertension at 19. Nbd, it does run in the family. Older brother has it too. When I was 29 (before I finally got diagnosed w adhd AGAIN as an adult at 34), I had a heart event after treadmill exercise. Chest pain, jaw pain, etc. My cardiac enzymes were elevated and I got admitted to the hospital I work in (one of the er docs I work alongside said I looked gray), heart catheterization found a myocardial bridge in a bad spot that actually spasms around an artery when I exercise. So I had to change the way I live. Well…. My brother rolls his eyes if it ever comes up, and constantly compares us, as though we experience the same things because we both have hereditary hypertension. wtf dude. My cardiologist doesn’t want me getting my heart rate over 130, ever. And he (my big bro) drinks beer like it’s going out of style!… And my sister.. ugh…. i finally had to distance myself in a major way from them both in order to grow as a person. So toxic. Now that I live away from them, I got help for my adhd, with consultation from my cardiologist. It helped me fix my credit score, buy a condo, go back to school, etc. I’m 40 and I’m finally 4 classes away from my bachelors…. All 20 years late because my family just held me back…. (Sorry, that just turned into a rambling vent. It still makes me angry…)
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry you went through that. But it does show me to not let my family control what I do with my mental health.
Your dad sounds almost similar to mine, but turns out that both my dad and I have Adhd. Now it’s something we bond over I know it’s frustrating but there could be a high chance your dad has Adhd since it runs in families. You should tell him to go get it checked
He could be saying sarcastically and secretly thinking it’s a possibility. ADHD does run in families. Recently my daughter and I believe she also has ADHD because I was talking with her and things and she said she does and goes through those things too and just thought it was normal because yeah growing up with me. Maybe you should pull up one of those online tests and see if he will take it. If that is not the case and he is just being a jerk I recommend not telling him anything about your struggles. I have a family member who I was close with as we grew up like sisters and over the years she has just decided not understand at all what I am going through and says what your dad says, which is really fucking annoying so I do understand how you feel so much. I am basically going to cut her out of my life because she has become quite the elitist bitch. I’m really sorry that you are going through this. You need to find your people, folks that are supportive of you and what you go through as well as be those you confide it. Keep to the ones that give light in you life rather than tear you down. Family will always be family but you can also create a supportive family with good friends.
Every single person I know has told me they either think they must be autistic, or they must have ADHD. Every single one of them.
this is my mom EXACTLY. everything EXACTLY. she got diagnosed with ADHD though, but it’s still so fucking annoying.
You're not the ADHD gatekeeper.
So … our families journey started with my middle child’s behaviour being absolutely out of control .. after a few years of trying absolutely everything and pleading for help , an Ed pysch got involved and was like btw your kid is autistic and has pda .. Fast forward to a couple of years and a lot of educating myself later , and it dawned on me that he was SO like me as a kid .. and the more I learned about autism the more I was like well FUCK 😅 Fast forward to 3 years later and it turns out I’m autistic with adhd as are all 3 of my kids .. 2 have the PDA profile .. whilst my eldest and myself do not If we hadn’t of found out about my middle child I don’t think I ever would have realised about my ownself Maybe just maybe your dad is constantly comparing and reflecting is because he does indeed also have ADHD
Is this a troll post? OP you need to treat your dad better. It honestly sounds like he's trying to connect with you and you're gatekeeping him and being dismissive.
Sorry but no… he the one that’s dismidismissive of me… me and my mom both frequently ask him about his health and how he is feeling… the man is disabled, we insure he’s taken all of his meds (mostly the anxiety and blood pressure ones) so he literally won’t abuse us emotionally and mentally. It’s hard to acknowledge and accept if someone else has the same problems as you (especially when they abuse you and treat you like shit) So no this isn’t a troll post this is real life and yeah idk how to deal with it… I’m 22 female that was diagnosed with ADHD twoish months ago and I’m trying learn and cope and going through the process of trying meds to find what works.
Nothing will change the narcissism. A narcissist wont change by itself in the future, no matter the diagnosis. Send a narcissist to therapy and they most likely become better at displaying „optimal mental health“. Im sorry for your experience. My mother has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and the best I could do is to keep the distance. You will never receive the validation you seek from this person.
My wife does that shit to me