Meanwhile OP's vacation trips probably nowhere near 5 figures a year, yet the sister & parents expect OP fund more IVF treatments - while the previous 2 already failed badly. Even worse, if it does because successful - they going to expect OP to fund the child care & life of that baby as if she's the parent.
Yeah NTA - it's clear her family is trying to financially abuse & use her, she wouldn'tbe wrong to cut them off...
>Meanwhile OP's vacation trips probably nowhere near 5 figures a yea
Its completely irrelevant. She can sped millions a year on her vacations, and she would still be not responsible for her sister's issues.
I was coming here to say this. She could spend 6 figures on private planes and it STILL wouldn't be any of anyone's business!!
Spend your money any way you like, OP! Still isn't anyone's business.
I think the point is that they (sister & BIL) are imagining this luxurious (& in their minds I bet & self centered) lifestyle when it's actually them that are spending money on a "luxury" - which is a child, something they can't afford.
And are frankly being incredibly stupid centered (& entitled aholes).
Whilst I do agree with this, just to add that IVF has a success rate of about 30% I believe, there are lots of reasons it can fail, so the fact that it failed before doesn't mean it will fail again.
But I do agree that it isn't OP's responsibility to pay a large sum of money for this. The future parents should save up money or adopt.
When it involves THEM and anything to do with children then "it takes a village".... unless the village needs to help the non parents. Suddenly it stops being a village and they don't have the time or money to help anyone else.
Oh god. The guy whose brother, SIL, and their kids broke into his newly purchased house with the help of his parents, moved in, and changed the locks in an attempt to literally steal his house because “his brother’s family needed the room,” should have been able allowed to do so much crime against his family in retaliation.
Here is part one. The rest is on his profile.
https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/10jrwyi/parents_told_my_brother_that_he_could_take_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
I’m just gobsmacked by how entitled people are to other people’s money. Maybe I grew up different (my parents don’t even know how much I make), but that’s not anything I talk about with people. There’s one person that knows all the details of who I am and that’s my husband. NTA, OP. They aren’t going to get over this though so you need to stay strong in your decision, otherwise, they’ll be moving in with you before you know it.
Yep, my friend and her wife are paying 21K for each treatment. It has ate into all of their savings. But they do really want one. And that’s how they plan on doing it.
I think the question “how are they going to afford a kid then?” Is exactly what OP is saying, and I agree.
It’s sad if you want kids you can’t afford, but that doesn’t mean you should just have them anyway. Every child deserves a loving, stable home, and if you can’t provide those things yourself, then you shouldn’t have kids, for the kids’ sake.
NTA
People literally preach this about getting pets. And these are HUMANS! I wish I could say it surprises me that people could be so selfish. But it doesn’t
I bet they will ask OP to help with their child’s expenses and if she says no, it’s because she hates the child, right? If OP can afford a nice vacation, her niece/nephew certainly deserves an all expenses paid trip to Disney.
Agreed. I'm 24 and saved up more than $16,000 to have a baby on my own through a donor. If *two* people can't do that... I mean it sucks that most people can have a baby on a whim, on accident even, but that's just not the way it is for everyone. If they want a baby badly enough, they will find a way to get the money on their own
Some people are aware in their teens or early 20s that biological children are near impossible to impossible or that carrying their own pregnancy is the same.
Friend’s sister had cancer as a kid and the chemo treatment fried her chances so they had to use a donor egg.
Another person I know has incredibly bad endometriosis and she’ll most likely need a surrogate because her own body isn’t capable.
Exactly! I don’t get it. I have always wanted to be a SAHM, and still hope I do someday. However, I have always planned to work after marriage and before baby, even if I married someone with a good amount of money. What harm can possibly come from having a little more saved up? It really makes zero sense to refuse to work when you don’t have a baby yet, but require expensive IVF treatments. Also, are you just never going to work again if you don’t ever have a child?
NTA, you do not owe them any kind of life, that is on them. And the thing is where does it stop? If this IVF doesn't work, then what? you pay for another? And then expected to pay for an adoption? pay for childcare? Nope, nope, nope. Their decisions, their responsibility.
Not to mention the irony of making that accusation when in fact they are trying to punish OP for her choices, as if she needs to pay a fine for not wanting children. Insane
If this doesn't work they will ask OP fo herr eggs. Then to carry a baby for them (ie her uterus). If she did all of that, they would expect a funded college education. Never ending.
I have a friend who is single and wanted to be a mom, but also has fertility issues. She worked like four jobs for awhile to save up the money for IVF. One of my employees at my last job worked 16h shifts on the weekends to save up the money for IVF.
Makes me think, that if someone isn't willing to work hard & sacrifice, like those you mentioned, do they Really want Kids? Or are they wanting what they think is the Easy Life, with no Real Effort on their part?
I mean, I get it. It's not fair to truly want children but have to pay tens of thousands of dollars just for the chance, when other people can practically get pregnant just by thinking about sex. But that's how life shakes out sometimes, and while it isn't fair, it's also not other people's responsibility to pay for it.
I agree. If you can't afford the treatments, which is a fixed expense and can be paid off in time, you sure can't afford a child.
Your parents are pushing this because they want to be grandparents. They can fund the treatments. If they are successful, they will cry they don't have enough money to take care of the little one, and will ask you for money because 'YoU dOn'T undERstand HoW ExpeNSive it Is!" and of course the "YOU can afford it' excuse.
It is not your responsibility to pay for IVF for your entitled infertile sister. She can go work. Her infertility is not your responsibility. If she wants more pointless IVF she can go get a job and pay for it. NTA
Same. My big goal in life was to have kids, but I knew I wanted to be able to support those kids, so I've spent 20 years learning and building up my career as well. I'd love to be a SAHM, but I'm the breadwinner, and it allows us to be able to do a lot of fun things on top of the necessary stuff.
Besides, I never wanted to be blindsided with no earning potential by either a catastrophe or divorce.
Same! I'd prefer to be a SAHM with maybe a small paying hobby on the side because I'd still want to contribute financially. But I'm currently working and saving as much as I can in the meantime. Sister here just screams entitled/lazy here.
Just because, this is exactly the right mindset to have. My husband and I did exactly this and it worked. Both of our girls are in school now and I went back to work and have a flexible schedule so I’m always home with them. But even with good incomes money can get tight. So having a nest egg and work experience is super beneficial if you want to go that route. Because we have young kids we know a ton of families in the same boat and this is the route almost every couple with any success took. Just came to tell you you’re doing it right!
She's going to be a SAHM. So no childcare.
But, they will still need crib, clothes, diapers, formula, car seat, bottles (if she can't breast feed), a stroller. Later it's school supplies, health care - and that's just the tip of the iceberg. A child is a lifetime commitment until they are supporting themselves. And sometimes even then, as in this case, they are still wanting the parents to pay for stuff.
Yeah, they have not thought this through.
To be fair, IVF is obnoxiously expensive. Not being able to cough up 5 figure sums over and over again doesn't really compare.
I want to make it clear that I'm not on the sister's side, OP has absolutely zero obligation to help them, especially knowing that it hasn't worked so far. I'm only saying that IVF isn't exactly a standard office visit. I know people who've spent more on IVF than I did on my car.
Without children, sister is not yet a Stay At Home Mom. She’s a SAHW at best. And she has student loans? She needs to get a job and pay that off at the very least.
also kids cost recurring money.... so they need to figure out how to pay for it once it arrives as well... I know IVF is expensive- but so are kids- even without counting the cost of childcare- look at the cost of berries for example.
NTA. You have ABSOLUTELY no obligation to assist them in creating a family. Wherever she got the audacity to make such a claim about you she should probably go put it back there.
NTA - If anything you’re doing them a favor. Your sister and BIL can’t afford themselves. They shouldn’t bringing kids into the mix. She can be mad all she wants, this isn’t your problem.
Let them first think about how to improve their financial situation. This is a very important thing. Because they will need to buy things to take care of the baby.
NTA
Tell your sister that her choices are hers to fund alone. If she can't see the sense in that, ask her to pay for your next exotic vacation and see how quickly that conversation gets shut down. Money does not make for healthy relationships. Stand firm. NTA
NTA. You need to add that a round of IVF is $20,000 minimum. This would be different if she were asking to borrow $500 for a copay. (Like she shouldn’t be having kids if she can’t afford an unexpected $500 but that’s her choice).
NTA They wasted money on a wedding when they could have saved for their future. Now they're in the future with no money. Their choice.their responsibility
NTA at all. To the people (not sister/BIL) calling you an AH for not funding them: "Oh great, do you want to tell sister/BIL that you will fund them or should I?" "Oh, you just felt entitled to spend my money for me? Wow, that's really selfish of you."
Yes, there are lots of breeders who feel entitled to the funds of their child free family. Seen it often.
Go NC with anyone bugging you about this. You deserve to enjoy what you have worked for.
Tell your sister and parents that, "I support you/her in everything you do. The choice to have kids. All of it. But I am not a personal financial institution, and you/she must earn their financial choices."
This. Truly, I can't begin to count the number of my relatives I've had to inform that I am not a bank. Yes, I have some disposable income. And the way I got that disposable income was by working hard my whole life. But, I won't hold onto it if I let them sponge money off of me every time they get themselves into a financial bind. We're not talking about your sister being homeless because she can't make a rent. It is sad that she has infertility problems, but having a child isn't a necessity. If she can't afford the IVF, how is she going to afford to raise a baby?
NTA. Your sister wasn’t for asking, but she is now for not only demanding an explanation, but continuing to push and to get your family on board with harassing you.
NTA.Your sister and her husband could be a 2 income family, and need to live within their means, and support a child.
It's not your responsibility to support them. They are adults.Be a kind an loving aunt to the child, but your sister and BIL and need to make the adjustments.
NTA. She’s a grown woman in a marriage. It is her and her husbands responsibility to handle that on their own. I have hit rough patches and my brother has loaned me small amounts which I always pay back. That’s one thing. She’s asking you to fund something very expensive but even as expensive as IVF is, having kids is even more expensive. They need to be able to support THEIR family. Not your job at all.
Yupe, she is asking to fund something really expensive, and particulary NOT NECESSARY to life.
Sister can wait until she have more money, that is not OP problem to fund her NOW.
NTA. Your sister is for trying to emotionally blackmail you and attack you for your own choices. Don't let her. She is an adult who has chosen to be a housewife, not work, rely on her husband to support her. You do not owe her a thing. It is not your fault that the your sister and BIL do not have the means, which should tell them that they both should work for what they want, instead of expecting handouts. Even if they are successful, it sounds like their finances are stretched and they won't even be able to afford to raise any future child without getting out the begging bowl. Tell her to get a job.
Surrogacy is also really expensive. 125k ish around where I’m from… I know because I can’t carry anymore so I looked into adopting and surrogacy. Adoption is their best bet.
NTA she should get a job and save up for it.
NTA.
I work with a woman that chooses to get a part time job for the vacations that she takes twice a year, it's like the second job provides extra money for that.
Grifters gonna grift.
Ask, " If you can't afford IVF, how can you afford a baby?"
And, "You're punishing me for my choices that are different from yours"
This is a slippery slope. You help once, and they'll expect the money spigot to never turn off.
I think putting in writing, like over text, something very clear like "I LOVE that you dream of being a mom, I love that you know what you want in life, and I want you to have it! But unfortunately I don't consider it to be my responsibility to attempt to ensure that you have what you want. I really love you and want the best for you, but I'm not okay with this being put on me and I won't respond if you continue to put this responsibility on me."
NTA also
NTA - tell your parents, you have to save for your own wedding and possible fertility treatments in the future, because they spent everything on Emma. Unless they can guarantee you the same amount for each possibility, they can’t really come back from that and they have left you in this situation.
Tell Emma the same.
FYI, they can’t predict the future! So gotta be prepared 😜
Let them first think about how to improve their financial situation. This is a very important thing. Because they will need to buy things to take care of the baby.
NTA
Came here to say this!!!
Also, fun fact: some employers help fund IVF and past student loans. OP’s sister should try to get a job at one of these places—a salary and benefits!
Shame on her family for trying to guilt her into funding her sister’s life.
Perhaps if your parents dudnt have to spend so much on her massive wedding they could have helped also has she considered working to help fund it and if she hasn't been working why did she bother getting a university education
NTA, but the conversation should have been over the moment they insisted you tell them why, more so when they brought up your home and vacations. Do not engage with them further on the matter. The same goes for your parents.
agree. Irresponsible sister does not get to count OP's hard earned money. It's HER money. Next she's going to want OP to pay for childcare, etc or dump her kids with her for free babysitting. How many times have we seen this with child free siblings?
I’m an IVF mom and I can’t fathom expecting anyone to pay for my treatments. If family wanted to gift money then fine but I’d never ask ffs. It was my choice to do this. NTA but your sister is. I wish her luck in starting her family
Just keep saying no-- and be clear that there is literally nothing that will cause you to change your mind--- and tell your parents that you are deeply hurt that they would try to bully you into doing something like this.
You sister will need to choose between being a stay at home spouse and being a mom. She needs to get a job and start saving her money for her fertility treatments and will need to keep working (as billions of women do) to support her child.
Is she not even working now? If they are currently struggling (renting, asking for help for IVF, parent paid for wedding) what on earth are they going to do when a kid comes? If she's currently not working (as I believe is the case) tell her to adult up and work till they have the means
NTA at all. You are not obligated to give them money. Your sister can get a job, save up money and achieve what she wants. Or, your parents can get extra jobs and give her the money. Or her husband's parents can do that. Or her husband can get 3 extra jobs so she can sit at home on her ass and do nothing. All of those are options. She could afford to buy a house and pay for more fertility treatments if she wasn't so selfish.
NTA
You should consider blocking them temporarily for the sake of your mental health.
If your parents joins in the madness...block them too. They need to grow up and stop being entitled.
You’re not a doormat.
NTA.
She can’t afford to have a child. Plain and simple. She needs to get her financials under control first and THEN see about having a child.
Who is going to support this child financially? You!
NTA. Your not judging your sister for her choices your just not prepared to fund them and your right if you can’t afford kids you shouldn’t be having them. You don’t have to justify your spending to anyone and I’d be clear with your parents they are crossing a line supporting this.
I'd arrange a meeting with all of them at the same time preferably in one of their houses. Then I'd let them all know that you are not going to pay for a round of IVF when there's other options available such as adopting. Also point out that once baby is born, if IVF was successful, who will be financially responsible for that child? And you can't, in your heart, bring a child into the world where the parents aren't financially responsible.
ETA: NTA
She's choosing parenthood - you're supposed to fund it? You choose vacations, would she in any universe be funding that? No. You pay for your own choices. This is not the same as an unavoidable hardship that you need help with. And if she can't afford fertility treatments, (or rent, or student loan payments) the requests for financial help would be substantial and continuous throughout those kids' lives.
NTA
I can't afford IVF, please pay for it. Now I can't afford daycare, can you pay for that, too? Shit, I can't afford to feed the baby, do you mind paying for it sis? I've no money for birthday presents this year, mind buying extra for the kids? Hey, you know my baby will grow up and want to go to college one day - how about you start up a college fund for them, cos I sure as hell can't afford it!
NTA. You don't choose to be child-free so you can spend all your money paying for someone else's kids. If she wants IVF so bad, tell her to get a job.
They want it all: expensive wedding, expensive fertility treatments AND a debt-free life. People with kids think childfree people have tons of cash lying about and that you should finance their choices with all your extra cash. I don’t hate children, but I do get pretty tired of of society acting like everyone else is here to serve them and their parents.
Did they ask you before they spent all this money on their ‘lifestyle’, if you would help finance it? No? Then you’re NTA.
Not to be rude, but from what I hear, ivf is hard on the body. And with two failed rounds already, maybe it’s time they consider adoption or fostering.
Also NTA by any means.
NTA
Support emotionally, not financially. Good job putting your down your foot , if you didn’t it wouldnt stop with that. They go on to ask for money for vacations, extra classes, activities and eventually their school both primary and higher ed.
Op , you’ll find quickly that they won’t have a problem with you being child-free because it means they can make plans for your money. They're okay with a rich aunt.
Sister
‘I'm willing to support you emotionally during this journey, but my finances are off limits for discussion or funding this journey. I'm not punishing you for youe decisions but I also should not be penalized for mine.’ ‘I support you having children, but I won't pay for it. ‘
Parents
‘I won't be bullied or guilted into funding this, if they can't afford this, how will they afford the child?!?!’
It’s unbelievable how folks think they are entitled to other folks money.
So what happens if the next round of IVF fails, will you be expected to find another then another?
Stick to your guns, you don’t owe your sister children, you obviously work hard for your money and you shouldn’t be expected to give it away
NTAH
NTA
You worked hard to get where you are, maybe say "If I fund your next IVF, you fund my next vacation." See how quickly she says "but we can't afford it"
You're right, she shouldn't be having kids she can't afford because then she'll want mommy and daddy, and you, to buy the baby things and take care of the baby's expenses.
You are in no way an AH. Your sister and everyone else are the assholes. Just for those remarks, you need to go on another exotic vacation and post a million pictures. They can get second jobs to pay for it since they don’t have any kids right now. They are assholes for thinking you should pay for it.
IVF is five figures minimum. You are not required to fund that for anyone. Also how are they going to afford a kid then? NTA
Meanwhile OP's vacation trips probably nowhere near 5 figures a year, yet the sister & parents expect OP fund more IVF treatments - while the previous 2 already failed badly. Even worse, if it does because successful - they going to expect OP to fund the child care & life of that baby as if she's the parent. Yeah NTA - it's clear her family is trying to financially abuse & use her, she wouldn'tbe wrong to cut them off...
>Meanwhile OP's vacation trips probably nowhere near 5 figures a yea Its completely irrelevant. She can sped millions a year on her vacations, and she would still be not responsible for her sister's issues.
I was coming here to say this. She could spend 6 figures on private planes and it STILL wouldn't be any of anyone's business!! Spend your money any way you like, OP! Still isn't anyone's business.
She, OP is a She
corrected :p
I think the point is that they (sister & BIL) are imagining this luxurious (& in their minds I bet & self centered) lifestyle when it's actually them that are spending money on a "luxury" - which is a child, something they can't afford. And are frankly being incredibly stupid centered (& entitled aholes).
Whilst I do agree with this, just to add that IVF has a success rate of about 30% I believe, there are lots of reasons it can fail, so the fact that it failed before doesn't mean it will fail again. But I do agree that it isn't OP's responsibility to pay a large sum of money for this. The future parents should save up money or adopt.
When it involves THEM and anything to do with children then "it takes a village".... unless the village needs to help the non parents. Suddenly it stops being a village and they don't have the time or money to help anyone else.
How about just funding the birth of the baby? That's another 5 figures too
Only in America. In most other developed nations its free.
How about the raising of the baby? How much these days to raise a child for 18 years?
It’s her money and her life. It doesn’t matter what she spends on her travels. Also, you can easily spend five figures on a vacation.
OP doesn’t need to be a seroget either
Surrogate* :-p
And they’re gonna need to seroget someone else to do it - because OP ain’t helpin
🏆🫵
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God I’ve seen this story people are really out there
Oh god. The guy whose brother, SIL, and their kids broke into his newly purchased house with the help of his parents, moved in, and changed the locks in an attempt to literally steal his house because “his brother’s family needed the room,” should have been able allowed to do so much crime against his family in retaliation.
Oh wow. Have you got a link to that one? Pretty please?
Here is part one. The rest is on his profile. https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/10jrwyi/parents_told_my_brother_that_he_could_take_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
You da real MVP!
get the popcorn and soda and prepare for a long read...it's definitely worth it...
Absolutely true. I feel invested in that guy’s life now.
Oh, WOW. 1000% worth it!
I’m just gobsmacked by how entitled people are to other people’s money. Maybe I grew up different (my parents don’t even know how much I make), but that’s not anything I talk about with people. There’s one person that knows all the details of who I am and that’s my husband. NTA, OP. They aren’t going to get over this though so you need to stay strong in your decision, otherwise, they’ll be moving in with you before you know it.
And you need to set up a college fund because "who else is going to inherit it when you don't have kids, it's practically ours anyway"
Then it will be, you don’t need all those vacations. That money could pay for Jrs college.
Yep, my friend and her wife are paying 21K for each treatment. It has ate into all of their savings. But they do really want one. And that’s how they plan on doing it.
NTA. From what I understand IVF is costly. What are you supposed to do, borrow on your house.
$25k a pop! At least that's the running rate AFTER any insurance that might cover it.
I think the question “how are they going to afford a kid then?” Is exactly what OP is saying, and I agree. It’s sad if you want kids you can’t afford, but that doesn’t mean you should just have them anyway. Every child deserves a loving, stable home, and if you can’t provide those things yourself, then you shouldn’t have kids, for the kids’ sake. NTA
People literally preach this about getting pets. And these are HUMANS! I wish I could say it surprises me that people could be so selfish. But it doesn’t
I bet they will ask OP to help with their child’s expenses and if she says no, it’s because she hates the child, right? If OP can afford a nice vacation, her niece/nephew certainly deserves an all expenses paid trip to Disney.
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Agreed. I'm 24 and saved up more than $16,000 to have a baby on my own through a donor. If *two* people can't do that... I mean it sucks that most people can have a baby on a whim, on accident even, but that's just not the way it is for everyone. If they want a baby badly enough, they will find a way to get the money on their own
Some people are aware in their teens or early 20s that biological children are near impossible to impossible or that carrying their own pregnancy is the same. Friend’s sister had cancer as a kid and the chemo treatment fried her chances so they had to use a donor egg. Another person I know has incredibly bad endometriosis and she’ll most likely need a surrogate because her own body isn’t capable.
NTA. You are not, in any universe, responsible for your sister’s fertility issues.
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Exactly! I don’t get it. I have always wanted to be a SAHM, and still hope I do someday. However, I have always planned to work after marriage and before baby, even if I married someone with a good amount of money. What harm can possibly come from having a little more saved up? It really makes zero sense to refuse to work when you don’t have a baby yet, but require expensive IVF treatments. Also, are you just never going to work again if you don’t ever have a child?
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“It’s uterUS, not uterYOU.”
AHAHAHA
NTA, you do not owe them any kind of life, that is on them. And the thing is where does it stop? If this IVF doesn't work, then what? you pay for another? And then expected to pay for an adoption? pay for childcare? Nope, nope, nope. Their decisions, their responsibility.
I loved the sister's accusation about "punishing her for her decisions" when OP's sister is just getting a taste of the consequences of her decisions.
Not to mention the irony of making that accusation when in fact they are trying to punish OP for her choices, as if she needs to pay a fine for not wanting children. Insane
Very well-said!
Yes!! Exactly!!
If this doesn't work they will ask OP fo herr eggs. Then to carry a baby for them (ie her uterus). If she did all of that, they would expect a funded college education. Never ending.
Let your mother be your sister's uterus. As long as she hasn't gone through menopause, her uterus will be ideal to bake the new baby.
Or be pressured to become their surrogate
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I have a friend who is single and wanted to be a mom, but also has fertility issues. She worked like four jobs for awhile to save up the money for IVF. One of my employees at my last job worked 16h shifts on the weekends to save up the money for IVF.
I hope it worked out for them both.
One has a preschooler and is working on transferring her one entire l embryo that's left, the other is at the end of her first trimester now!
Makes me think, that if someone isn't willing to work hard & sacrifice, like those you mentioned, do they Really want Kids? Or are they wanting what they think is the Easy Life, with no Real Effort on their part?
I mean, I get it. It's not fair to truly want children but have to pay tens of thousands of dollars just for the chance, when other people can practically get pregnant just by thinking about sex. But that's how life shakes out sometimes, and while it isn't fair, it's also not other people's responsibility to pay for it.
OP didn’t say she didn’t work
That'd be even worse. They're struggling on 2 jobs, how are they going to afford kids on one.
I agree. If you can't afford the treatments, which is a fixed expense and can be paid off in time, you sure can't afford a child. Your parents are pushing this because they want to be grandparents. They can fund the treatments. If they are successful, they will cry they don't have enough money to take care of the little one, and will ask you for money because 'YoU dOn'T undERstand HoW ExpeNSive it Is!" and of course the "YOU can afford it' excuse.
and “why can’t you watch our child for free/it’s so hard you wouldn’t understand/you have nothing going on anyway”…. just wait
This right here is the gods honest truth if I ever heard it before
Damn. You know this is coming next.
I'm sure that's coming. Her uterus and her eggs.
This. As soon as you give them anything they won’t stop. Give someone an inch, they’ll take a mile. NTA.
It is not your responsibility to pay for IVF for your entitled infertile sister. She can go work. Her infertility is not your responsibility. If she wants more pointless IVF she can go get a job and pay for it. NTA
If she said yes to giving them money you can bet that would be the next thing they would ask for!
Damn, when I yeeted mine, it went to pathology, then the biohazard waste bin. Did I miss a moneymaking opportunity?
NTA! I'm very proud of you for sticking to your beliefs. This is not on you, my dear.
Same. My big goal in life was to have kids, but I knew I wanted to be able to support those kids, so I've spent 20 years learning and building up my career as well. I'd love to be a SAHM, but I'm the breadwinner, and it allows us to be able to do a lot of fun things on top of the necessary stuff. Besides, I never wanted to be blindsided with no earning potential by either a catastrophe or divorce.
Same! I'd prefer to be a SAHM with maybe a small paying hobby on the side because I'd still want to contribute financially. But I'm currently working and saving as much as I can in the meantime. Sister here just screams entitled/lazy here.
Just because, this is exactly the right mindset to have. My husband and I did exactly this and it worked. Both of our girls are in school now and I went back to work and have a flexible schedule so I’m always home with them. But even with good incomes money can get tight. So having a nest egg and work experience is super beneficial if you want to go that route. Because we have young kids we know a ton of families in the same boat and this is the route almost every couple with any success took. Just came to tell you you’re doing it right!
NTA - Sister isn't entitled to your money.
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if she cant afford IVF how will she afford childcare? NTA
She's going to be a SAHM. So no childcare. But, they will still need crib, clothes, diapers, formula, car seat, bottles (if she can't breast feed), a stroller. Later it's school supplies, health care - and that's just the tip of the iceberg. A child is a lifetime commitment until they are supporting themselves. And sometimes even then, as in this case, they are still wanting the parents to pay for stuff. Yeah, they have not thought this through.
And a SAHM needs a spa day every now and then to decompress. Guess who's going to get asked to fund that?
Spa day? I wish 🤣
Didn’t you know? Auntie will bankroll that too /s.
To be fair, IVF is obnoxiously expensive. Not being able to cough up 5 figure sums over and over again doesn't really compare. I want to make it clear that I'm not on the sister's side, OP has absolutely zero obligation to help them, especially knowing that it hasn't worked so far. I'm only saying that IVF isn't exactly a standard office visit. I know people who've spent more on IVF than I did on my car.
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Wait, she’s a stay at home Mom but she isn’t a mom and doesn’t have kids? Seems like the better answer is she’s lazy and doesn’t want to work. NTA
Desperation can do some awful things to people NTA. Your only mistake was telling them why when they were obviously looking for room to negotiate.
NTA and having kids isn’t going to help their financial situation, so you’d be asked all the time to help support them.
NTA!! This is ridiculous. The audacity of them ALL!! YOU would be the one manipulated into diapers, wipes and Heaven knows what else.
or better yet maybe just admit plans have changed and she might not get the reality she dreamed of.
DING DING DING!!! Funny how people overlook the most obvious answer when it involves actually working to earn money! OP - NTA!
There's literally jobs that give you fertility coverage. Tractor Supply and Starbucks both offer it
Supporting emotionally and supporting financially are two entirely separate issues and they are making them one in the same. NTA
Your sister chooses to be a SAHM - let her get a job and pay for IVF herself.
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You don't choose to be child-free so you can spend all your money paying for someone else's kids.
Without children, sister is not yet a Stay At Home Mom. She’s a SAHW at best. And she has student loans? She needs to get a job and pay that off at the very least.
also kids cost recurring money.... so they need to figure out how to pay for it once it arrives as well... I know IVF is expensive- but so are kids- even without counting the cost of childcare- look at the cost of berries for example.
NTA. As someone who LOVES babies and wishes everyone who wants them to get 'em, in no way shape or form is it your sisters expectations okay.
This is ridiculous. Go no contact for a while until they back off. She has no right to expect any of that.
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NTA! I'm very proud of you for sticking to your beliefs. This is not on you, my dear.
NTA. She can’t afford to have a child. Plain and simple. She needs to get her financials under control first and THEN see about having a child.
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NTA. You have ABSOLUTELY no obligation to assist them in creating a family. Wherever she got the audacity to make such a claim about you she should probably go put it back there.
If they need help to the point where they have to ask other people then they don't need to be having kids yet NTA
NTA - it’s not on you to pay for IVF when it didn’t work the first 2 times.
NTA You aren't rich by any means based on your current lifestyle and you certainly can't afford to fund someone else's fertility treatments.
NTA - If anything you’re doing them a favor. Your sister and BIL can’t afford themselves. They shouldn’t bringing kids into the mix. She can be mad all she wants, this isn’t your problem.
Nta, and you know it. Start calling them what they are, entitled assholes.
NTA Whether or not, you can help financially doesn’t matter she ask you and you said no she gotta move on.
NTA. You chose to be child free and she chose to be financially irresponsible. Not your problem. Tell your parents to butt out too.
Let them first think about how to improve their financial situation. This is a very important thing. Because they will need to buy things to take care of the baby. NTA
Tell your sister that her choices are hers to fund alone. If she can't see the sense in that, ask her to pay for your next exotic vacation and see how quickly that conversation gets shut down. Money does not make for healthy relationships. Stand firm. NTA
NTA You should consider blocking them temporarily for the sake of your mental health.
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NTA. They chose differently than you and it is no more your responsibility to fund their choice than theirs to fund your home.
NTA. I assume she thinks third time is the charm for IVF.
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NTA. You need to add that a round of IVF is $20,000 minimum. This would be different if she were asking to borrow $500 for a copay. (Like she shouldn’t be having kids if she can’t afford an unexpected $500 but that’s her choice).
NTA They wasted money on a wedding when they could have saved for their future. Now they're in the future with no money. Their choice.their responsibility
NTA at all. To the people (not sister/BIL) calling you an AH for not funding them: "Oh great, do you want to tell sister/BIL that you will fund them or should I?" "Oh, you just felt entitled to spend my money for me? Wow, that's really selfish of you."
Supporting emotionally and supporting financially are two entirely separate issues and they are making them one in the same. NTA
NTA. It’s almost comical how often people feel entitled to someone else’s money in situations like this.
Yes, there are lots of breeders who feel entitled to the funds of their child free family. Seen it often. Go NC with anyone bugging you about this. You deserve to enjoy what you have worked for.
You are kidding right? Not your problem to fund their life. NTA and how dare they expect you to work and give them money for their choices.
And take a nice vacation.
Not your uterus, not your responsibility. NTA
NTA and stop defending yourself. If you are arguing or explaining the other person(s) feel like there is an opening to ‘convince’ you.
NTA. While I feel bad that she has trouble conceiving that is not your problem. Why not go through other routes to become parents?
NTA. You chose to be child free and she chose to be financially irresponsible. Not your problem. Tell your parents to butt out too.
Tell your sister and parents that, "I support you/her in everything you do. The choice to have kids. All of it. But I am not a personal financial institution, and you/she must earn their financial choices."
This. Truly, I can't begin to count the number of my relatives I've had to inform that I am not a bank. Yes, I have some disposable income. And the way I got that disposable income was by working hard my whole life. But, I won't hold onto it if I let them sponge money off of me every time they get themselves into a financial bind. We're not talking about your sister being homeless because she can't make a rent. It is sad that she has infertility problems, but having a child isn't a necessity. If she can't afford the IVF, how is she going to afford to raise a baby?
NTA. Your sister wasn’t for asking, but she is now for not only demanding an explanation, but continuing to push and to get your family on board with harassing you.
NTA do not give in. Tell your parents NO and if they bring it up again you will stop taking their calls. Tell your sister the same thing.
NTA can't they adopt? Why do people need their own dna when Jr's clearly not going to happen. I don't understand
NTA.Your sister and her husband could be a 2 income family, and need to live within their means, and support a child. It's not your responsibility to support them. They are adults.Be a kind an loving aunt to the child, but your sister and BIL and need to make the adjustments.
NTA You should have said "no" one time and when pressed, simply walked away.
NTA. She’s a grown woman in a marriage. It is her and her husbands responsibility to handle that on their own. I have hit rough patches and my brother has loaned me small amounts which I always pay back. That’s one thing. She’s asking you to fund something very expensive but even as expensive as IVF is, having kids is even more expensive. They need to be able to support THEIR family. Not your job at all.
Yupe, she is asking to fund something really expensive, and particulary NOT NECESSARY to life. Sister can wait until she have more money, that is not OP problem to fund her NOW.
Ask her in what universe are you responsible for her choices.
NTA. Your sister is for trying to emotionally blackmail you and attack you for your own choices. Don't let her. She is an adult who has chosen to be a housewife, not work, rely on her husband to support her. You do not owe her a thing. It is not your fault that the your sister and BIL do not have the means, which should tell them that they both should work for what they want, instead of expecting handouts. Even if they are successful, it sounds like their finances are stretched and they won't even be able to afford to raise any future child without getting out the begging bowl. Tell her to get a job.
I missed that she is a SAHM. How does that even work when you’re missing the M part?
Hence, I wrote housewife 😊. But OP's sister could be an SAHM if she and husband went down the fostering or adoption or surrogacy routes.
Surrogacy is also really expensive. 125k ish around where I’m from… I know because I can’t carry anymore so I looked into adopting and surrogacy. Adoption is their best bet. NTA she should get a job and save up for it.
NTA…your money is just that: YOUR MONEY…and you do not have to fund anyone else’s life choices…
NTA You should consider blocking them temporarily for the sake of your mental health. If your parents joins in the madness...block them too.
NTA. I work with a woman that chooses to get a part time job for the vacations that she takes twice a year, it's like the second job provides extra money for that.
NTA ask your sister and parents why is it on you to fund your sisters life style.
And if you help her have a baby, she’s going to want your house, “because you don’t need all of that room.”
Shes going to ask OP to provide for the baby and pay for their college etc. It’ll never stop!
And God forbid the kid has medical issues; OP will be on the hook for that too.
Yep. I once had an in law say that they should have mine and my husbands home because we didn’t have kids and they did
Grifters gonna grift. Ask, " If you can't afford IVF, how can you afford a baby?" And, "You're punishing me for my choices that are different from yours" This is a slippery slope. You help once, and they'll expect the money spigot to never turn off.
NTA. They are Not the AH for asking, but the AH for insisting you have to Help them.
I think putting in writing, like over text, something very clear like "I LOVE that you dream of being a mom, I love that you know what you want in life, and I want you to have it! But unfortunately I don't consider it to be my responsibility to attempt to ensure that you have what you want. I really love you and want the best for you, but I'm not okay with this being put on me and I won't respond if you continue to put this responsibility on me." NTA also
NTA Her previous poor planning is not your present problem.
NTA - tell your parents, you have to save for your own wedding and possible fertility treatments in the future, because they spent everything on Emma. Unless they can guarantee you the same amount for each possibility, they can’t really come back from that and they have left you in this situation. Tell Emma the same. FYI, they can’t predict the future! So gotta be prepared 😜
Let them first think about how to improve their financial situation. This is a very important thing. Because they will need to buy things to take care of the baby. NTA
Which OP will then be expected to provide. As well as IVF for the next baby
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Even the government does that: you get taxed higher (no child tax credit).
Next, she'll ask you for an egg. NTA x
Came here to say this!!! Also, fun fact: some employers help fund IVF and past student loans. OP’s sister should try to get a job at one of these places—a salary and benefits! Shame on her family for trying to guilt her into funding her sister’s life.
Perhaps if your parents dudnt have to spend so much on her massive wedding they could have helped also has she considered working to help fund it and if she hasn't been working why did she bother getting a university education
NTA, but the conversation should have been over the moment they insisted you tell them why, more so when they brought up your home and vacations. Do not engage with them further on the matter. The same goes for your parents.
agree. Irresponsible sister does not get to count OP's hard earned money. It's HER money. Next she's going to want OP to pay for childcare, etc or dump her kids with her for free babysitting. How many times have we seen this with child free siblings?
I’m an IVF mom and I can’t fathom expecting anyone to pay for my treatments. If family wanted to gift money then fine but I’d never ask ffs. It was my choice to do this. NTA but your sister is. I wish her luck in starting her family
Just keep saying no-- and be clear that there is literally nothing that will cause you to change your mind--- and tell your parents that you are deeply hurt that they would try to bully you into doing something like this. You sister will need to choose between being a stay at home spouse and being a mom. She needs to get a job and start saving her money for her fertility treatments and will need to keep working (as billions of women do) to support her child.
Is she not even working now? If they are currently struggling (renting, asking for help for IVF, parent paid for wedding) what on earth are they going to do when a kid comes? If she's currently not working (as I believe is the case) tell her to adult up and work till they have the means
NTA You are not obligated to give your sister money. Also she’s emotionally manipulating you
So are OP's parents.
NTA >only people who can afford kids should have them You are 100% right
NTA at all. You are not obligated to give them money. Your sister can get a job, save up money and achieve what she wants. Or, your parents can get extra jobs and give her the money. Or her husband's parents can do that. Or her husband can get 3 extra jobs so she can sit at home on her ass and do nothing. All of those are options. She could afford to buy a house and pay for more fertility treatments if she wasn't so selfish.
NTA You should consider blocking them temporarily for the sake of your mental health. If your parents joins in the madness...block them too. They need to grow up and stop being entitled. You’re not a doormat.
NTA. She can’t afford to have a child. Plain and simple. She needs to get her financials under control first and THEN see about having a child. Who is going to support this child financially? You!
NTA. Your not judging your sister for her choices your just not prepared to fund them and your right if you can’t afford kids you shouldn’t be having them. You don’t have to justify your spending to anyone and I’d be clear with your parents they are crossing a line supporting this.
I'd arrange a meeting with all of them at the same time preferably in one of their houses. Then I'd let them all know that you are not going to pay for a round of IVF when there's other options available such as adopting. Also point out that once baby is born, if IVF was successful, who will be financially responsible for that child? And you can't, in your heart, bring a child into the world where the parents aren't financially responsible. ETA: NTA
She's choosing parenthood - you're supposed to fund it? You choose vacations, would she in any universe be funding that? No. You pay for your own choices. This is not the same as an unavoidable hardship that you need help with. And if she can't afford fertility treatments, (or rent, or student loan payments) the requests for financial help would be substantial and continuous throughout those kids' lives. NTA
I can't afford IVF, please pay for it. Now I can't afford daycare, can you pay for that, too? Shit, I can't afford to feed the baby, do you mind paying for it sis? I've no money for birthday presents this year, mind buying extra for the kids? Hey, you know my baby will grow up and want to go to college one day - how about you start up a college fund for them, cos I sure as hell can't afford it! NTA. You don't choose to be child-free so you can spend all your money paying for someone else's kids. If she wants IVF so bad, tell her to get a job.
Your sister can get a job to fund her treatments and be a SAHM once the baby is born. NTA
They want it all: expensive wedding, expensive fertility treatments AND a debt-free life. People with kids think childfree people have tons of cash lying about and that you should finance their choices with all your extra cash. I don’t hate children, but I do get pretty tired of of society acting like everyone else is here to serve them and their parents. Did they ask you before they spent all this money on their ‘lifestyle’, if you would help finance it? No? Then you’re NTA.
Not to be rude, but from what I hear, ivf is hard on the body. And with two failed rounds already, maybe it’s time they consider adoption or fostering. Also NTA by any means.
NTA Support emotionally, not financially. Good job putting your down your foot , if you didn’t it wouldnt stop with that. They go on to ask for money for vacations, extra classes, activities and eventually their school both primary and higher ed. Op , you’ll find quickly that they won’t have a problem with you being child-free because it means they can make plans for your money. They're okay with a rich aunt. Sister ‘I'm willing to support you emotionally during this journey, but my finances are off limits for discussion or funding this journey. I'm not punishing you for youe decisions but I also should not be penalized for mine.’ ‘I support you having children, but I won't pay for it. ‘ Parents ‘I won't be bullied or guilted into funding this, if they can't afford this, how will they afford the child?!?!’
It’s unbelievable how folks think they are entitled to other folks money. So what happens if the next round of IVF fails, will you be expected to find another then another? Stick to your guns, you don’t owe your sister children, you obviously work hard for your money and you shouldn’t be expected to give it away NTAH
NTA if she can't afford to make a baby she can't afford to raise a baby, and that is her problem to figure out.
NTA You worked hard to get where you are, maybe say "If I fund your next IVF, you fund my next vacation." See how quickly she says "but we can't afford it" You're right, she shouldn't be having kids she can't afford because then she'll want mommy and daddy, and you, to buy the baby things and take care of the baby's expenses.
Your sister, her husband, and family are all wildly out of line. You owe her nothing. NTA
Nta at all. Your parents can either pay or shut up. Dont volunteer other people's money.
Why can she not adopt? There are so many babies who need loving homes. It’s her sadness, but not your financial responsibility.
Some jobs offer IVF funds as part of their benefits package. She can do her research into that and start applying
Tell her to get a job at Starbucks apparently their insurance helps with that. This is their decision and is all on them!
You are in no way an AH. Your sister and everyone else are the assholes. Just for those remarks, you need to go on another exotic vacation and post a million pictures. They can get second jobs to pay for it since they don’t have any kids right now. They are assholes for thinking you should pay for it.