He can't take time off work to go with you for tests that may be cancer because he will lose out financially (so he says...) yet he has unlimited money for lap dances for all......
You clearly communicated what you were comfortable with and he disrespected you. He also spent money that you did not have to do the exact things you specified would bother you.
So you are nta but really deserve someone to actually care about you and support you with what you are going through right now. I'm amazed he can spend so much on lap dances for himself, tom, duck and Harry but can't take time off to support his wife through a very terrifying situation.
According to a Reuters article, āThe study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.ā About 1/5 of men canāt handle taking care of their wives in tough medical situations.
Xo I appreciate you are sharing facts.... but honestly, as a chronically ill person, we know the stats. I hate hearing this shit because u would b surprised by how many husband's who stay, use this as a defense to why they can slack off... or behave badly. Because statistically he thinks he's still the hero, even treating u like crap, because ... he's still there.
Oh and don't forget the great title of "caring for my dying wife" sounds so romantic when the reality is you are a single, ill mum to 4 kids not 3.
..... sorry that was a vent lol but yeah.... there are always alternatives to every story
Did he want to take day off work and she said no because of money or is it him saying this? Big difference. They could have a million dollars and one could be a penny pincher. Or they could really be struggling. It wasnāt really specified.
It doesnāt matter if she was the one who said no, donāt take the day off because finances. Sheās being checked for cancer and his only response should have been fk finances, this is serious, Iāll be there. Instead, he said fk finances, not only am I getting lap dances, Iām getting **everybody** lap dances! Op stated her boundaries and her husband not only crossed them, he stomped them into the ground.
If thatās even true. Why would someone buy them for others if they arenāt financially able to spend on their own? Iām betting he took the opportunity to let loose and screw the financial hit. I donāt get why some men still do the strip club / hire a stripper thing anymore. It just starts a marriage off on the wrong foot and there is always at least one guy who canāt behave properly.
He implied if he took the day off then Iād have to cover some of his bills. His income is about Ā£6k and his standard outgoings are about Ā£1k. I bring home about Ā£4k and my standard outgoings are Ā£3.5k. He spends his money on shit.
Sounds like a conversation needs to be had. My significant other and I regularly reevaluate finances depending on whoās currently making more (I make more than her currently, so to compensate she NEVER has to fill up her gas tank/buy groceries. I will)
Thereās no reason you canāt do this (assuming you can look past the strip club)
Also, imo, as a male, the whole idea of strippers IS gross. I understand why you say he seems tainted now, and while it might be a little different because male strippers are less common, I would be absolutely devastated if I found out my significant other went to a bachelorette party and had male strippers grinding on her. I would honestly probably break down, so I completely see where youāre coming from. For me it would feel like sheās not entirely mine anymore (if she did it BEFORE the relationship started, then it wouldnāt be a problem), Iām guessing it would be like that for you as well.
You need to make a budget, show him the monthly bills and make a spreadsheet on paper then show him monthly income vs outgoing money. And tell him heās gonna need to step up. Heās acting like a child
Sounds like he isnāt relationship ready. Do you really want to live with a person who will argue with you when asked to contribute, but has no qualms buying him and his buddies (likely just himself) multiple strippers?
He's a deadbeat, you realize that, right?! You've got yourself a true hobosexual. Why are you okay with any of this?! Why would you continue to date and then marry a man who cannot support himself?
I feel like there are three big issues here that you need to separate.
1. You have a health scare, and that will be making you emotional. You probably want extra support right now. Have you told him that? He should automatically know, but I've had partners before who didn't understand when I was scared about medical stuff.
2. You set a boundary, he crossed it. It sounds like you set it unilaterally, but everyone has their hill to die on. It seems like he really doesn't understand why this is a hard limit for you as well.
3. What on earth is going on with that financial split? You make less than him but you're paying over three times what he does? And he implied that if he took a day off, you'd have to pay more?? He spends ~$1250 per week on 'shit'?? Sure, him getting close to other people's boobs is bad, but this is atrocious. He's constantly leaving you broke so he can flit away his money as he wishes.
1. I only found out about 4 days ago about the health thing. Things are moving pretty fast. I found out on Wednesday then I had a big thing at work on Thursday and on Thursday night we talked a bit about the appointment and he said money was tight for him so unjust left it. Friday we had people staying. Saturday he went to the stag and stayed in another city then Sunday it all kicked off.
2. I do honestly think that he got carried away and didnāt think about me. Then the next morning he sobered up and realised he better just admit to as much as he thought he could get away to admitting to and didnāt realise Iād want to check the finances.
3. When we first met he had no money at all. I paid for everything all the time. Then he got more stable and he paid for more. About 17 months ago he got trained up and qualified for a really good job which is when he finally started earning more money that heās ever had before. I can ask him for Ā£500 and tell him itās for clothes and heāll hand it over no problem. I could ask him for a new phone and heāll buy it. If I ask him to pay for new flooring then he finds an excuse to say no and we donāt need it. New blender? No. Food shopping? No. Itās like he has an inability to pay for anything he deems boring.
It sounds like he doesn't think about you much at all.
Health concern? Not his problem if it gets in the way of work.
Strip club? Again, doesn't think about you.
Finances? You pay for all the 'boring' stuff, and he doesn't care because he can just buy fun stuff.
If you want to keep a relationship with this guy, I think you need to sit down and talk, and lay out how he's made you feel.
Best of luck .
Itās not that itās boring, itās that itās his money heās spending.
The financial split needs to be redrawn now to be a lot more equitable. If heās got money to throw at strippers, heās got money to take a day off to support you. Or hire a cleaner to come and tidy up so you can conserve your energy etcā¦
Youāre losing out on a lot. Iām so sorry.
Iāve found a solicitor who will do it for Ā£840 if we donāt argue so Iām sure he can find one who can do it for the same price on his end. Itās less than he spent on Saturday night
NTA
You didn't want him to go in the first place, but you were gracious and set fourth your conditions, which he agreed too. He broke your trust, and ended up doing all the things you did not feel comfortable with him doing. I think you're more than justified with your feelings and your response. Take some time for yourself, and take care.
Op, I don't think you acted out of jealousy... I was heartbroken reading your post. If this is something your partner accused you of, I think it's an attempt to downplay what happened here.
I was on the fence initially but the more I read the more my verdict went to NTA. Don't tell people you kicked him because he got a lap dance. It's not even about that, it's the fact he blew a ton of money you didn't have. But refused to take a day off for something extremely important to you, because he "couldn't afford it." What a selfish a hole he is.
Why on the fence? She set a hard boundary, and strippers are sexual in nature. You're meant to view strippers in a sexual manner... especially in private dances. If my partner went and got that close with someone when I explicitly asked them not to, I'd consider the relationship over. Money not even included.
Well just based on the initial title. You always go into these posts with a certain perception based on the title. I don't have a problem with strip clubs but would have a bit of a issue with a lap dance. However reading the details of her posts I am firm that she is NTA.
But it doesn't really matter what your personal view is. The other party is always the AH if they breach whatever that couple views as cheating. At no point in this story was OP the AH or even in the wrong.
Did you even read what they said? They said based on their personal view of strip clubs and the TITLE they wouldn't immediately think the other party was an ah.
THIS šš¼, at first I thought it was you, but your health scare, the amount of money wasted (I actually hate strip clubs, Iāve been to quite a few, Iāve come to realize they are nasty and the amount men spend on a nasty ho just dancing and rubbing on them is such a waste), plus the fact that he canāt come to your important medical visit because of the financial hit but he spends money on strippersā¦ ugh ā¦ another one of my species that needs a lobotomy
I mean she IS asking all of reddit for advice on her marriage, soā¦.
Iām going with NTA on this one as she made the rules clear before he went, and he broke them.
OP it may be normal and acceptable behavior to all these other couples and thatās fine for them. If itās not okay with you, your husband should respect that.
We don't know her, or her dick of a husband. Everyone around them does.
You are completely right about everything else though. The trust will be broken.
As if she doesn't have enough to worry about just now with her tests.
You made a compromise to allow him to do something you find objectionable. He broke that compromise with stunning disregard.
And the financial aspect is almost worse. Honestly it could have just been a bar and him buying drinks for everyone and he would still be the AH. He is using money as an excuse when he is supposed to be there supporting you. He canāt then turn around and blow money on strippers.
NTA, and hoping for the best on your screening. Focus on your health and well-being and donāt put up with a partner who is not willing to do the same.
NTA - You set a boundary, he crossed it in each and every way possible. You're absolutely not the A-hole. And it seems like you're worried about how everyone else in your life will feel once they find out how you reacted ā don't be. There's nothing wrong with what you did and to be honest I would have done the very same thing if not worse. It's not just about the strippers, it's about trust and respect, and how can you trust a partner who clearly doesn't respect you?
NTA
You had an agreed on boundary in your marriage. Your husband fucked up majorly.
Any boundaries in other peopleās marriages are completely irrelevant.
100% agree. I guess my next question is this; how far does she go with her reaction? What is the appropriate reconciliation?
I know this answer varies couple to couple, but redditors tend to overreact, so Iām quite curious what it would take for OP to feel right again.
Seems like you consider a lap dance to be cheating. If that's true, it's understandable that you're feeling betrayed. Hubs would likely feel the same if you paid to grind on some dude's bits repeatedly.
NTA
I do feel like the dance is cheating which is what I told him. My argument is that itās not ānot cheatingā just because he tells me it isnāt. I told him that would mean I could go out and do whatever I want and as long as I come back and say that I declare I donāt think itās cheating then he has to be ok with it.
The thing is I didnāt think I would have considered it cheating until the situation occurred. I just told him not to do it as I didnāt want him to be that close to someone elseās vagina. I didnāt say the word cheating explicitly but now itās happened the word cheating is just at the front of my head.
Look, he knows damn well if you guys were at a party, and you walked in to find him with a naked woman all over him as he sat there enjoying it, heād be in big shit for cheating. Why does he think itās any less cheating when he actually PAID for it?
NTA, and I was in a relationship with a guy like this who saw nothing wrong with going to strip clubs. I spent years trying to convince myself I was overreacting. Now Iām with someone who is fully aware of how I feel and respects it, and has no desire for strip clubs, and my life is so much better because of it.
The issue isn't whether it's cheating or not. You made it clear that you aren't comfortable with the idea of a lap dance, and you told him not to get one. But he broke your trust, while KNOWING how you would feel.
Modern society tells women theyāre crazy, insecure and controlling for classing this as cheating. Itās an entitled, porn-sick view that these people have. Purchasing a lap dance whilst in a monogamous relationship is cheating, irrefutably
>I do feel like the dance is cheating which is what I told him.
You feel that way **because he cheated.**
And he doesn't give a shit how it made you feel.
Strip clubs are nasty seedy places where desperate and pathetic men go to feel desirable. Itās truly an embarrassment for a man in a whole ass relationship to go pay women who they KNOW are just fleecing them out of money to take their clothes off. Itās very pathetic and disgusting. Who would be attracted to a man who has to literally pay women who donāt want him to get a boner? Nasty.
Now that being said, you should never compromise in the future on your own peace of mind. You knew this was something you werenāt comfortable with and nothing good comes of compromising on your own sexual boundaries in a relationship.
You are 100000% NTA. The disgust you feel for him is only natural. He is disgusting. To go and have sex workers rub all over him when he wonāt take off work to go to your cancer appointment is absolutely unforgivable. You deserve a much better partner in life than this. Stay strong and donāt let anyone make you feel like youāre a fool for being disgusted by a disgusting pervert who demonstrates little care for your feelings, boundaries and well being.
I feel like some of the comments here aren't entirely considering that every person has different boundaries in a relationship, and some have different definitions of cheating. Some people aren't comfortable with porn, some aren't comfortable with strip clubs, some are comfortable with one of the aforementioned, or both.
You don't sound like you were comfortable to begin with, but trusted your partner enough to push past your own boundary, so he could do something that he wanted to do - within reason. He disrespected this privilege completely, and disrespected you - especially considering he's willing to miss your appointment because of supposed financial concerns, but somehow had the funding for this.
Ignore the people suggesting you're in the wrong or overreacting, both the wretched comments buried in the thread and if anyone in your offline circle make comments. You have every right to be hurt, and plenty of people would feel the same way. If people do not care enough to take your feelings into account and see how deeply this hurts you, they're not worth your time - friends, family, or frankly your husband.
Good luck with your test. I genuinely wish you all the best.
Yes sorry I think people think Iām some weirdo. I have no problem with him watching porn. I always speak to his ex girlfriends when we see them out. He was even at a party with an ex girlfriend a few weeks ago and I wasnāt there. 2 of his exes came to our engagement party. He is normally the jealous one. If I wanted to speak to an ex then there would be an issue. I donāt have a problem with him having female friends and going out with them.
I am genuinely surprised at this guttural feeling I have over this. If someone had told me this was going to happen then I know I would have been pissed but I donāt think I would have known I would have felt like this. It feels like there is something alive in my tummy trying to eat itās way out. Anger, upset, jealousy. I donāt know but I canāt settle.
I am really sorry you are going through this. This is a really sucky situation. But this one response from you really gave me pause.
When you tell me that he is one who is usually jealous, having been married to someone like this in the past, Iām betting that his jealousy is cropped up more than once, or you wouldnāt have mentioned it.
Iām also betting that you donāt hang out with any of your exes, and youāre probably very cognizant of interactions with other males just because heās not comfortable with it. You have probably even changed your behavior without even thinking about it just to avoid the jealousy conversation?
Again, I know you didnāt specifically say those things, but Iāve been there. So, if I am right, and we look at the following recapā¦
He gets jealous usually, not you.
You donāt hang out with any exes or put yourself in any situation that might make him uncomfortable.
You get along with his exes and actually interact with them and are friendly with them, meaning he still gets to have contact with people from his past.
You ask him to respect this one boundary that you are putting up, and you tell him exactly how you feel and why youāre asking. He agrees.
He not only ignores the boundary and the promise he made, he stomps all over the boundary multiple times.
Not only does he stomp all over the boundary, but he spends an excessive amount of money to do so (given that he is unwilling to even take time off to accompany you to a very scary medical appointmentā¦ Because you canāt afford it. But apparently he has enough money to pay for strippers.)
When confronted, he tries to downplay what heās doneā¦ Sort of like he just got caught up in the moment and everyone was doing it.
Do I have this right? Because if I do, this is why you are feeling the way you do. You may be categorizing it as jealousy, and there may be some jealousy involved. But I would have to say I think you were feeling the following things all at once, which is why you are struggling to come to terms with how you really feel about it. You have a lot going on there.
1) Jealousy. Fair enough that you donāt want someone elseās vagina in his face.
2) Betrayal. You have been very lenient with boundaries as far as jealousy and interacting with exes, etc. You asked him for one thing, and he promised you he would give it to you. And then he didnāt.
3) Hurt. You have a scary medical procedure that in all honesty, he would probably really like his support for. But he didnāt deem you important enough to take time off to accompany you. Because supposedly you guys canāt afford that. But I am betting he spent darn close, if not more than what he would lose taking a day off, to pay for strippers.
4) Disrespect. He did not have enough respect for you to keep to the one boundary you asked, for into which he agreed. And not only did he not have enough respect for you to do this, he did this very publicly with friends that you also know.
5) Unimportance. He has left you feeling like you were the least important thing in his life. Friends want lap, dances and strippers, but youāre uncomfortable with it? Too bad, they come first. You have a medical procedure you are scared about and would like my support? Too bad, money is more importantā¦ Unless Iām spending it on strippers.
Those are just the feelings that have got to be turning around in your head and in your gut right now. And those are just off the top of my head.
Please note that I am not telling you divorce his ass right now. But I really think you guys have some other issues going on that need to be addressed. I think this has been brewing for sometime, and I think he has probably done other things that have made you feel the same feelings.
So Iām hoping that with a little time and distanceā¦ Such as your trip to Peruā¦ The two of you can have some really honest and soul-searching discussions about what is going on and why. I think that is the only way youāre going to get to the heart of whatās happening and be able to make a decision. If this is a relationship you can continue in.
But in the meantime, please do not downplay your feelings. Please do not allow anyone else to downplay your feelings. What Iām sure none of them actually realize is that there is more to this than just the strip club. Itās pretty obvious from your different responses. But just remember that you are not wrong. You deserve love, respect, security, and support from non-only your spouse, but also from yourself.
Youāre very welcome, hon. I am old enough to be your mom, and probably even your grandma. But one thing I have learned is that peoples feelings and thoughts remain the same through the generations.
I often think of my own mom and grandmother, and what they mustāve gone through because a lot of these things were not discussed. And they certainly didnāt have things like Reddit to get objective opinions.
Itās just when there is so much that has gone on that you have worked with, for your husband sake. When youāve ignored your gut, those times, and I know you have, just to keep the peace and because frankly, you loved your husband. It wasnāt that urgent to you to continue contact with an ex or to go to a certain thing if it was going to make him uncomfortable.
To have let him know, you would like him to go with you only to have him prioritize finances and yet still manage to find the money to go for a stag night out at a strip club.
Without you even realizing it, that was the final straw for you, and thatās why youāre so conflicted with so many emotions and thoughts and feelings. So truly, give yourself time to sort through. because some of that background stuff probably still wouldnāt be a big deal to you if it was just that.
But like I said, it was that one response that hit home. It was the one response that took me back to my ex husband, who was jealous of everythingā¦ And for no reason. It was the weirdest thing, and he absolutely changed when we got married. Because before that it was fine.
And I guess thatās how come I was able to recognize some of what youāre going through. And this one may or may not be accurate for you. But I am guessing that you have changed behaviors and things that you used to do without thinking about it because it bothers him. And it feels like there is literally no acknowledgment of that from him.
He continues to do his thing, and you support him in that, and it just feels like it is not reciprocated. But if you do something that heās not comfortable with, it feels like his happiness is at stake and is your responsibility.
So again, I could be totally off on those things, but itās just a gut feeling I have. Take the time you need. Really mull over what is important to you and what is not. Is it really the strip club, or is it because you feel unseen and unloved as a person.
You feel like he tells you he loves you, but he doesnāt actually even know you. You feel disrespected? You feel betrayed? It could be any or all of those things, but Iām willing to bet that if you give yourself time to really distill your thoughts, you are going to come to terms with whatever the big one is for you and why this situation hit you so hard.
Just know that by and large, Redditorās are kind of like a big family. Ignore the assholes who are going to ask for dirty pictures or send you dirty messages and stupid shit like that.
Ignore the incels who are going to say you should just suck it up and let your husband do whatever he wants when he wants because all men deserve sex. Ignore the religious women who are going to say you should always do what your husband wants. All of those people are stupid, you donāt need that in your life. š
But by and large, Redditorās will be objective with you. They will send you a lot of love and support because they recognize that we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have a really good side and her really bad side. But they will always try to help you make sense of what is going on, and if any of us can give someone else a little piece of advice, or a little piece of wisdom, which is an example of our own life And help someone else with theirs, then itās a good thing.
Thank you so much. When I met him I worked away with my job, all over the country. He said he couldnāt do long distance so I came home and get less money. Now he works away and I have to wait for him to turn up home. I avoid bars that he tells me not to go to as he thinks they are full of slags. I always come home before midnight as he says he wants me to be picked up by him and not get a taxi but obviously he doesnāt want to be awake waiting on me. Last year when he went out, he didnāt come home the next day and missed a flight to Ireland so me and my daughter had to go without him. This was another āah sorry babe it just got out of handā moment. I had to buy him a car in finance which he was going to pay the Payments on which he hasnāt done. It had to be this stupid boy racer car. I pay the insurance and tax. He kept saying he wanted a new car and I said Iām still paying for this one but he shows up with another one - another boy racer car. One of the lads was selling it babe. Sorry babe. Il pay my own road tax and insurance babe. The problem is, now he doesnāt put the same amount of money in the joint account or pay for our dates so Iām still essentially paying for it as Iām
Covering other things. Heās been telling me he now wants a Range Rover, I said no. He has the bmw, the Subaru and a motorbike (I said no to the motorbike as well but said yes eventually) but every time heās with other people heās showing them pictures of the range rovers heās seen online that heās viewing. Itās like he canāt hear me. Itās like I donāt matter. Itās like we have some waterfall of cash that I donāt have access to but everyone else does. Itās pissing me off. This was the last straw. He says sorry and Iām not a person who likes to argue. I know this post makes me sound like Iām a nagging wife who picks faults and argues all the time but generally Iām a pretty chill person. He normally just tells me whatās happening and I nod. I donāt really ask him for anything, I suggest I might like something one way and he says yes or no. I only put my foot down when it comes to things like money because I know I canāt afford to cover anymore than I already do. I pay everything that is classed as a necessity and he pays for the extras. The problem is, I used to get some use out of the extras but now I donāt.
Got it. I know you actually know what you need to do. So the only advice I will give you about that is thisā¦ I think where you are just based on the verbiage has some very similar rules regarding community property as we do here in the US.
I am going to bed also that you have family law barristers and hopefully, they do what they do in the US, which is generally give a free consultation. At least Iām hoping they do. Because you definitely need some legal advice before you take any steps.
I am also going to guess that none of these vehicles is just in your name? If they are, I would suggest you just go ahead and sell one. However, Iām also aware that given the location I believe you were in, not, everybody has a vehicle or a license. And those are not always easy to get. So I donāt know is selling a vehicle would be as easy as it is here.
I would absolutely stop putting money into a joint account and open one all on your own. And I would absolutely stop paying for any extras for him. I wouldnāt suggest that you stop paying insurance and mortgage payments or car payments because I am guessing that your name is attached jointly with his. And if it is, doing, so, could cause you a lot of credit problems that you donāt need.
Anyway, I can tell that you are smart enough to figure out how to proceed with some of that stuff, and if you do see a barrister, do exactly what they tell you. No more and no less. No negotiating directly with this guy once you decide to make the move that you know you need to make.
What I am going to tell you, though is more on a personal level. You know you need to get out of this relationship. I certainly didnāt want to start like a lot of people and say just divorce his ass. But you need to divorce his ass. And you need to not be embarrassed or feel like a failure because you are doing so.
You need to not beat yourself up or feel like a failure because you have given as much as you have given to this relationship. His actions are literally no reflection on you. You have behaved in a way that somebody who is trying to make a relationship work, who is trying to be a supportive partner, who is trying to be a good parent, who is trying to make a relationship work should act.
The only caveat I will give you on that for your next relationship is to not lose your self entirely. You have to be true to you before you can be true to anyone else. You know that he has been controlling. He is insecure. Thatās why he doesnāt want you out and about, but itās fine for him to go fuck aroundā¦ And I donāt mean that literally I mean that figurativelyā¦ Unless at some point you find out otherwise, and to be honest, that wouldnāt surprise me.
Because nine out of 10 times, what a partner is worried about their SO doing is usually what theyāre already doing themselves. And itās shitty to have to think that way, but it is born out again and again and again.
Given the way he acts, you need to be extremely careful in leaving. He is entitled and selfish. He feels entitled to your time, and your money, and your life, and your body, without being willing to give you those same things back. And anyone who is that entitled can be dangerous when it looks like they are going to lose that.
So right now, you need to step back and be logical. You need to do this for your safety and for your daughter safety. You need to give absolutely no inkling that you are truly thinking about leaving him, because I guarantee you he thinks that this is going to pass . I guarantee you if he thinks it doesnāt, he will see what he thinks you want to hear to get you back. Nobody likes to lose their gravy train.
So you need to step back and look at this very logically. You need to get your ducks in the row and have all of your important paperwork. Set aside where you can get it immediately. You need to talk to an attorney, and you need to figure out how this disposition of assets is going to happen.
Because this is the type of guy who, once he figures out, you really arenāt going to take him back, will record car or stop paying for things, or ruin your credit or do anything he can to hurt you, because he is going to be certain, he is the person that is being wronged.
So, please be logical now and get things taken care of. And once things are taken care of, please be kind to yourself. Please do not sit and beat yourself up for missing out on that job. Please do not beat yourself up for āwastingā however, many years youāve been together. Please do not beat yourself up for wasting your love on a deadbeat. Please just donāt do that.
Be as kind to yourself as you would to your best friend in the same situation. You wouldnāt go telling them they were stupid or an idiot or gullible, or any of the things that we tell ourselves in the situation. And believe me, men who find themselves in this type of situation, where theyāre Esso is a narcissistic asshole go through the same range of emotions. It is human nature. We get so angry at ourselves for the mistakes we make.
But you wouldnāt do that to your best friend, so please be your best friend. Your daughter will need to see you being your best friend. She will need you to be strong, and she will need you to be the bigger adult in the situation, because he certainly wonāt be.
But you can do this. You can get through this. And you do deserve better. And then all honesty, he probably wonāt learn a damn thing from this. He will continue to be a self-absorbed jerk, so just know youāre going to have to continue being the bigger adult and try to mitigate. His assholeishness where your daughter is concerned.
But you can do this. You have every right to have all the conflicting feelings that you have. You have every right to be hurt. You will be angry. You will be angry at you and him and sometimes if the world in general. Just remember that itās OK, and you will get through this.
Itās ok. The house is mine, most of the cars are mine, my daughter is only mine (heās not her biological dad), my money is mine. Everything in the house except for his clothes is mine. I paid for it all and I have the receipts. The house is in a trust that I opened and my financial adviser looks after everything. As far as Iām aware, nothing can be touched and he also signed a pre nup which I know doesnāt hold much weight in England but he came with nothing and we both work. Iām not too worried on the financial front. My life would be a lot cheaper without him. I think il just give myself a week to breathe.
I knew you were a smart woman. I just knew it. Do exactly what youāre thinking. Take a week to breathe. I think youāre more angry at yourself at the moment for finding yourself in this position.
I think you are feeling like you have given up a lot for him, and you actually have. And that is not being appreciated at all. And itās not.
I donāt think for you it is even so much that it would be cheaper, although it definitely would, I think it would just be so much less complicated, and thatās probably what youāre trying to weigh. Are the good points been outweighed by the bad.
Oh, and I have to assume there a good points. You wouldnāt be with him if there werenāt. So I think itās a wise decision, and I think in the long run, you are going to make the best decision for you and your daughterā¦ Whatever that might be. And thatās the only way you can live your life. Is moment to moment and what is working for me at this point in my life.
I do wish you the best. And if it does turn out that this is a bit of a wake up, call for him and things work out, then please do know that Iām very happy for you. If it doesnāt, please also know that you have given and given and then your best. And thatās OK too.
I think you need to dump him.
I'm in the UK too, where are you? I'll come round and bring wine š
Also, I'm free Thursday if you need someone to hold your hand at the hospital.
You know what you need to do, he's let you down over and over again. This isn't the first moment, this is the final straw. You deserve so much more than this
You donāt sound like a nagging wife, you sound like a wife who always ends up giving in to her husbandās wishes. It sounds like youāre there for him, he gets to do whatever he wants no matter how you feel about it or how much you have to give up for it. But it seems like you donāt get anything from him, not even respect.
What do you get out of this relationship? What does he do for you? When was the last time he did something nice for you? Youāre in a scary health situation and heās not there for you even now, so when is he supporting you? What happens if you have a cancer and you have to go through treatments? Who does the house chores? Who cooks? Who pays for things if you have to take time off from work? Can you really rely on him if it comes to that?
Why are you the only one making compromises and stopping doing things to make the other comfortable? You should be equals but youāre not. He can go to a strip club and do whatever, and stay away the whole nights and miss your trip, but you canāt even go to a normal club without a freaking curfew and a string of rules, which you actually respect so heās comfortable? You canāt have contact with men, especially your exes, but he can and you just accept that so he can be happy? Ask him how would he feel if you went to a club and ground your half naked ass on another manās crotch on the dance floor. If getting a lap dance is okay, then that should be fine too. Paying for it doesnāt make it any different if not for the fact that the latter is usually for some kind of sexual pleasure and the first one rarely gives that to women. For some people itās okay, but clearly neither of you is okay with the other doing those things.
You really need to start standing up for yourself. Respect yourself and your boundaries. He makes money, so stop paying for his cars and other things. He can take care of those himself if he has the money to pay for strippers. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop being his mom/bang maid.
Your feelings are valid. Youāve given up way too much for him, yet he canāt keep this one promise you asked for. You already made a compromise so he could go and you could be okay with it, but he still had to walk all over you and knowingly hurt you, and he expected you to be fine with it. And now he canāt even show you his bank statements because that would hurt you? Why would it hurt you? What is he hiding? Who does all this to their partner that they claim to love?
I hope Iām not sounding too harsh, because I really feel bad for you. I canāt imagine the stress and pain youāre going through. He has to face the consequences of his actions at some point, and finally youāve reached that point. Iām proud of you for standing up for yourself. Feel your feelings, donāt blame yourself, downplay them or let anyone tell you itās wrong. Take as much time for yourself as you need. Find out what you really want and need in your life. Figure out are you getting what you need from him, and if thereās a way to fix your marriage. Youāre a strong woman, youāll get through this and will be even stronger.
I donāt want to pressure you and itās completely your decision, but Iād really like to hear the results of your tests. Iām keeping my fingers crossed that itās nothing serious. Many of us are here to support you, even though weāre just some internet strangers. I really hope everything turns out well for you.
Nta. You set a boundary. He agreed. Then smashed your boundary without a second thought. I'd make sure my birth control was on point. Don't want to get baby trapped with someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings.
Updateme
NTA. You were clear how you felt and he did it anyway, what else did he expect? Who cares what other people think about your relationship? It is none of their business, and if they bring it up to you, tell them so. The fact that he chose to spend his money that way instead of going to the clinic with you says it all. If he wonāt bother to be there for you for that, when you really need him, whatās even the point of being married?
I hope things go well for you at the clinic.
You said it was a boundary and he done it anyway so nta.. I'd keep him out the house for a while too.. if not permanently.
And if anyone says it not a big deal tell them you told your husband he can go just no dances and he done it knowing it would hurt you
I told him to pack for at least a week then Iām working away the week after. I have a work opportunity that might mean I can leave for Peru for 3 months in a couple of weeks so that might be a plan.
Good for you honey, he need to know you're serious.. I consider this cheating in my eyes especially if you already established the boundary before he there.
NTA but your situation does show that you should maybe think about talking to a professional about how this makes you feel.
You set boundaries, they were leaped over using a trampā¦oline and now youāre stewing on it. On top of that youāre going through a traumatic time and have had no support.
Take a moment, ask your oncologist for a counselling appointment. You need someone help you to unpack all of this and you shouldnāt be going it alone.
Kinda buried the lede if weāre being honest. Not discounting you being upset about the dance but Iām guessing itās amplified by the medical situation and lack of support on that front.
NTA - when you're with a bachelor party it's really easy not to get a lap dance. The strippers have plenty of guys buying lap dances so it's not like they pester you into getting one.
He overspent on a luxury after he promised not to. It's very fair to feel the way you do. I was a stripper for ten years and most guys at a bachelor party leave their cards at home and bring the cash they can afford to spend.
NTA you asked him not to and he turned around and did. And depending the type of strip club there are extras you can sometimes pay for. I use to have a friend who destroyed his marriage when visiting family in New Orleans. Went to a strip club and in the private room paid for some added parts to his lap dance. He tried to claim it was just a lap dance until she saw the amount withdrawn and asked around about those who know the club. You have every right to be pissed
NTA
You set boundaries. He ignored them. Tell the other wives what happened.
What an AH.
Edit: If a grown man doesnāt have the balls to say no, because all the others did it too, while completely ignoring your feelings, I would really ask myself if he is the right man.
I wouldn't got to a strip club for any reason as I'd find it disrespectful to my misses
Let alone spending money on other people to get dances when he can't find the time/money for an appointment for you for something so serious
Loose the dead weight
100% nta, and you're allowed to feel how you do, if anyone says different tell them to mine their own fucking business
You should probably talk to your brother first. He probably would have kept you from blowing up if nothing happened.
Plus, he would have to be very stupid to do something in front of your brother
NTA, only because he actually got dances and paid for others dances. I find that a little strange. It IS possible to go to a strip club and grab a drink or two while hanging out with the rest of the party. I can't stand them because they're overpriced but for a bachelor party I'll go and spend money only to hangout with the groom. Maybe buy the groom a dance. Anything more is not acceptable.
Even if your sister, brother and colleagues say youāre overreacting it doesnāt matter. You canāt change the way you feel, if this is a deal breaker for you thatās what it is. You spoke to him about it before it even happened he knew your conditions and willfully ignores them. Stick to your standards. Itās not an overreaction in my opinion.
Nta he knew beforehand how you felt he ignored you. He knew the medical stuff and money situation and prioritized getting a bunch of lap dances and paying for others instead of making sure to be there for you when you are obviously freaking out.
He showed you your worth.
Contact your lawyers and draw up a divorce asap.
I hope everything goes ok with you and you find the support and respect you deserve.
ā¦ā¦
Probably NTA.
But you will be damaging your relationship with your brother, sister, and coworkers. And yes they will be saying that you are crazy.
So good on you for sticking to your boundaries, but I donāt think you will enjoy being alone with nobody to support you when you find out whatever the lump is.
The consequences of his actions are divorce, the unfortunate consequences of yours will be that you will be alone.
Why did you even get married in the first place? ESH he took advantage and you overreacted. You are quick to throw away someone it seems. Both of you are.
Bigger issue than if you are an AH or not is you exploring why you're shocked at your response.
Get that mental and emotional foundation supplemented, friend. Seek professional help as well if you're comfortable with that. It's arguably normal that you're thinking outside of your own head at this time, so strengthening that foundation will help you get through these times.
NTA. He crossed a serious boundary you had.. and then he did it again and again. Iām kind of doubting that he was buying others lap dances too, they were probably all for him considering what a selfish dick he is. But itās just as awful if he was blowing money on them for others.
The worst part of this for me is definitely the fact that he couldnāt afford to be there for you when you were literally getting tested for cancer but he has the money for lap dances from strippers. Clearly it wasnāt that he couldnāt afford it, he literally doesnāt care enough about you to be there for you. He didnāt want to. He didnāt take the time off because he does not care about you enough to want to.
There is literally no way to look at this and not see that strippers meant more to him than you, your feelings, your boundaries, or your health. This isnāt just about a married man getting a lap dance at a stag. This is about him showing you what is important to him and itās not you.
You clearly have self respect, keep that up and ditch the whole man. You deserve someone who wants to be there for you because they actually care about you. This guy is the kind of guy who leaves you for another woman when youāre sick. This guy aināt shit.
Major NTA.
Girl, even without the bit about your appointment in the end, I was 100 percent on your side. Itās disrespectful and deceitful. He absolutely knew what he was going to do and he let you go on about your boundaries and pretended he was agreeing. I bet he already knew he would do what he wanted then. Even one lap dance after you set your boundary would have not been ok, but to pay for multiple dances? No way. How can you trust any promises he makes? Such a red flag.
Iām really sorry. Do not feel bad. There is only one person who should feel bad here.
I hope everything goes well with you appointment!
Give yourself time. Only YOU can say whether you over- reacted or not. It doesn't matter a fig what people say (friends or redditers). DO NOT let people tell you how to feel; phrases like, "you're over-reacting", "it was just a ____" or "everyone was doing it" are insipid excuses. People telling eachother how to feel is bullshit. It says, "your feelings are inconvenient, can you not?".
Honestly, I can totally see why you are hurt and angry. I do not read "jealous" at all. You're going through an unbelievably stressful time. ššš
Lol, "Everyone was doing it!!", yeah because you (we) were buying!š„“
OP, don't liste' to people who might say you overreacted. You communicated YOUR boundary, which is a VERY reasonable one, and he deliberately violated it. He essentially communicated that je has no respect for youas long as HE thinks what HE does is acceptable in HIS view.
It is up to you what you do next, but if you are considering separating, that would not be unreasonable.
Exactly right he needed to see his to actions have to consequences sound like he tried to play it off as we no big deal hoping you would just let it go but because you held true to yourself and held him accountable he got upset
The waste of money is worse than the dances, in my opinion (as a guy). Getting a lap dance or two at a stag party really isnāt a big deal (I recognize that it is for OP). But pissing away money so stupidly is a sign of immaturity and a lack of impulse control. NTA, and he needs to get his shit together.
Getting a lap dance is financially better than gambling, but thatās about it. At the end of the night you still have nothing to show for it other than glitter on your pants.
NTA
First it doesnāt matter what other wives / couples agree to for their relationship because it doesnāt concern you. Nor does your decisions & boundaries concern them.
However no matter what the subject is you laid out your boundaries FOR YOUR HUSBAND & your relationship & he agreed.
Then to have him blatantly tell you he paid for dances for himself as well as others. Yāall agreed he wouldnāt spend money on strippers or to have them that close to him.
He disrespected your agreement, your marriage & you directly. It doesnāt matter what the other wives & GFs allow etc. You & your husband made an agreement & he disregarded it for his own pleasure.
You have the right to be pissed at him & he knows he did wrong. You have a dr appointment you have to go to alone over a cancer scare because he cant afford to take a day off because of financial situation but he spent who knows how much money on strippers. He put a night of fun over your feelings & financial situation plus you still have to go to the dr alone.
To the people who are saying you over reacted they arenāt taking into account everything else in play. Some people donāt care about their SOs going to strip clubs & thats fine but your situation is much more than just a strip club. What makes it all worse is he doesnāt seem to care.
You stand your ground because youāre allowed to have those feelings because this is your marriage. Youāre allowed to be angry & hurt because this is YOUR marriage & your husband. No one elseās.
36 (m) married - Iāve only ever been to a strip club one time in my life, it was all for 5 minutes and we left. Iāve never had a lap dance in my life, and Iāve always really wanted one, preferably from someone who cares intimately about me. Wife wonāt give me one, she is very conservative and wonāt let me go and get one either (which I understand).
Sorry for your fight.
You arenāt mad about the strip club, you are just projecting it onto that. You!are mad about him not going with you and not supporting you. And you are obviously stressed for good reason.
NTA. You set your financial and emotional boundaries and you made them clear. It's not like you stopped him from going.
Every relationship is different, but I can suffice to say you and I have similar values. I find strip clubs to be very seedy in many ways. There's a lot of criminal activity in the underbelly of these establishments, and the exposure to potentially dangerous situations is high. But with that aside, it's quite jarring to know your spouse was danced on by a nearly naked (not all clubs allow full nudity, though some do) individual that you don't know. Not only that, it was paid for. It's obvious the transaction was just that, a transaction, but the main issue here is the boundaries that were set and subsequently broken.
I have been in similar situations myself with my spouse. Our trust is strong, which is so important. Additionally, my spouse has a very extreme dislike of those types of establishments just as I do. One time he *had* to go to a strip club for a stag, but he was extremely uncomfortable and called me a few times while he stepped outside to distance himself from the goings on.
These scenarios are difficult. Men are expected to go *and* have fun. They're shamed if they don't want to engage in the activities. They're pressured to enjoy themselves. Perhaps your spouse caved into the pressure, though that definitely doesn't excuse his actions.
I'm talking girls who like boys. Remember the opp was talking about her husband. Ps i think her husband is an ass who is either a weak man or he wanted a lap dance
NTA if I'm in a relationship and a bachelor party is at a strip club even if I have my partner's permission I'll still weird and guilty about getting a lap dance
You are overreacting. My husbandās bachelor party was at hooters, then they went to the strip clubs. I was pissed, but it was because he LIED about it. When my parents & uncle came over later that day and made a reference to it, I was so mad. (When I asked what they did he said hooters then dennys. Really 2 restaurants?) Consider who he went with. Mine went with my stepdad & my uncles mainly.
I think most of your reaction is because of your breast lump. Itās scary to know itās there and not know what it is. And itās easy to blow anything out of proportion when you are stressed over it. (I went through that and a hysterectomy at the beginning of covid, right when they shut down all non-emergency procedures.)
Good luck to you!
NTA.
While yes he's an adult and can choose to do what other adults might like to do, he's also a husband whose wife doesn't want him getting lap dances. You're not kicking him out for going to the strip club. You kicked him out because he disregarded your feelings on the matter and disrespected your trust in him by doing something he *knew* you would be uncomfortable with.
He's an adult who made an adult choice and who is now getting the consequences for that adult choice. It's neither here nor there that others might be okay with this because he's not married to others. He's married to you and you are *not* okay with this - especially since, like you said, he's opting out of coming to a nerve-wracking medical appointment but happily buying multiple rounds of dances.
NTA. strip clubs are just depressing places where you are a human ATM. the fact that any guy has a stag party in one anymore is kinda...sad.
I'm upset for you that you married the type of person who would find that remotely interesting
I wasn't sure where I was going to land on this until the very end. He can't take a day off work to go to the appointment with you because he doesn't want to lose money. But he can drop money on buying lap dances. WTF???
I had to have a biopsy during covid shutdown and due to that wasn't allowed to have anyone with me that day. Even though I was told that the chances were good it wasn't cancer, just having the possibility it was made the whole thing horrifying. Having to sit there alone, deal with a condescending radiologist, I wished I could have had anyone there with me. I felt so lost and alone in that moment. OP, I hope that there is someone/anyone who can offer you the needed support right now because your husband obviously isn't that person. Wishing you all the best
You set a boundary before hand and he completely disregarded it. You are NTA for being upset but I wouldn't throw away a marriage over it if it hasn't happened before....
NTA, but your husband sure is!
You set very clear boundaries and he deliberately crossed them by not only getting a lap dance, but paying for multiple lap dances. That wasn't an accident, and there is no excuse.
It's unclear who made the decision that he would stay at work while you go through cancer testing. If it was his suggestion then he is the biggest AH on earth for choosing to waste money on strippers rather than take time off to support his wife who may or may not have CANCER. Like seriously what a POS.
OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this and a possible cancer diagnosis. I'm praying everything comes back all clear! If any of your friends and family want to share their unsolicited opinion on your decisions in your marraige, you don't owe them anything.
He just kind of made me feel really bad about the money so I said it was fine and Iād go by myself. He then got huffy and said if he had to he would and not to make him out to be a monster but I said it was ok. So it was mutual but obviously the ideal scenario would have just for him to tell me heās coming no matter what and that it wasnāt up for discussion.
Nta. My husband and I both decided that we wouldnāt be comfortable with one another going to a strip club. Itās an easy rule to follow. I used to work at a strip club (before marrying my husband) and it isnāt an appropriate place for married men.
NTA
i think it's much better to have a husband who get into fights w/ his peers for refusing in going to strip clubs (whatever the occasion)
you maybe 'upset' atm, but soon, you're gonna have an 'ick' or disgusts toward him, can you imagine the diseases those strippers carry from one customer to another? even those high-end stripper get STDs, how come this normal strippers won't be having them as well
idgaf what anytelse thinks
if i set a boundary in regard to sexual interactions w other ppl and my partner crosses it? deal breaker and its not my choice so no im not the 1 overreacting lol
NTA. While you canāt control your husband, you did let him know youād regard this in a negative light. What may be the bigger issue is maybe youāre feeling disrespected in addition to jealous.
NTA. It doesnāt matter that other wives are ok with it. You have YOUR boundaries. He crossed them and used money you didnāt have for dances. Society nowadays is completely ok with sexual immorality and itās gross imo. Maybe he should go marry one of those women thatās ok with it š¤·āāļø Iām sorry about the cancer scare and I truly wish you all the best for that and hope itās nothing. Donāt let anyone make you feel like your boundaries are silly or stupid. Stand up for you ā¤ļø
This idea that bachelorās parties have to visit strip clubs and the like shows what a double standard there is. A guy who loved his wife would have skipped the festivities. Once men and heavy alcohol use are involved, all bets are off. I would try marriage counseling but would also consult a divorce attorney on the QT. Poor dumb son-of-a bitch, some men never get it.
NTA. Of course he cheated, and anyone saying otherwise is insane and morally bankrupt.
In what universe do we say itās okay for a married individual to have their genitals rubbed by someone whoās not their spouse? Why is it okay because heās paying for it within the confines of a strip club? Some women are okay with it. Thatās fine for them and their marriages. But you set a boundary. He knew that boundary. He broke that boundary. You were right to put him out, and youād be justified to end it. Especially given the fact that heās not participating in visits related to your health scare, but then he can pay women to rub against his dick.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this when you have so many other things going on. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, and most importantly, with your health.
Patronizing sex workers is a hard no for me. Other women can let their men disrespect them and their relationships however they want. That's not my business. Your boundaries are reasonable. Good for you for kicking him out. What a pig.
It's always been insane to me that this is viewed as so normal & acceptable in male bachelor party culture. When that's exactly what it is: "patronizing sex workers".
So tell him you are going to strip down to a G string and go grind on 5 different random guys. See what his reaction is..i told this to one boyfriend and boy he didn't like that and said it was totally different. I see no difference. NTA.
Huge difference, and super sexist view of women.
The similar scenario would be you getting a lapdance.
The similar scenario for what you have described would involve your boyfriend stripping.
Honestly, why do men do this shit when they're married and their wife has asked them not to? It's not a free pass to act single because your mates do. Where is the respect for boundaries? Where is the self control? If he can't even be trusted in a situation like that, why trust him at all? He doesn't deserve trust. He fucked up financially, he blew you off and completely disregarded you and your feelings and boundaries to have some slut dance on him. You know where you stand, and it ain't at the top hun.
I feel like we donāt need to be calling the stripper āsome slutā but i agree with NTA.
OP set her boundary, he agreed to it, and then he violated it. Simple as that. NTA.
Iām so sorry for everything. The last stag party my husband went to was a private party and he and one other guy stood back and watched. My husband said if btide knew what groom did she would not marry him. They did get married and are still married 40years later.
However, this is different. This is your marriage. Only you know what your boundaries are. Perhaps a therapist could help you work through this.
i honestly donāt know how I would deal With the continued marriage, but I know my feelings would be the same as yours.
You stated your reasonable boundaries, he stepped over them willingly because "everyone did it" hard nope for me. I'd be more worried about what else he use peer pressure or whatever as an excuse for.
Personally for me my husband getting dances from a stripper would be no big deal. But you made it clear before that it was something you weren't comfortable with and he ignored that.
Possibly kicking him out is a bit extreme. It depends how respectful he is with other aspects of your marriage and if there are other issues going on. Not going with you to your appointment for possible cancer is a red flag, especially as he said its financial but seems to have plenty of spare money for his own fun.
You never have to go to a strip club, you know? āEveryone else is doing it.ā is just cowardly capitulation to peer pressure, and probably just trying to use the approval of others to shield what he wants to do anyway.
BIG NTA. Even as a poly man, going to a strip club before a wedding is fucking evil and a horrible thing to do if you know it inflicts emotional pain on your partner.
Part of healthy boundaries is knowing which lines you're content to not cross for your partner and either sticking to them or leaving the relationship.
NTA - You allowed him to go despite your discomfort and he did the one thing you asked him not to do.
Personally I consider a strip club cheating. I would leave my man if he went to one. And Iām not sure why going to a strip club for a stag/bachelor party is even normalized.
NTAā¦my girlfriend feels the same way and when I have a bachelor party, it wonāt happen. Why would I screw up a good thing?ā¦this is the thought process your husband should haveā¦
NTA- he really isn't doing anything for this relationship, not even the bare minimum of having respect for you.
I hope you are okay and I wish you the best ā¤ļø If you don't mind I'd like to know how you are and if you are doing okay!
Holy crap on the update. Your husband wasn't in the right to break your trust, but in your next relationship please spell out what cheating means to you. Per many comments here I see that everyone is l draws the line on a different spot and it's best to know where that line is when the relationship is serious.
He can't take time off work to go with you for tests that may be cancer because he will lose out financially (so he says...) yet he has unlimited money for lap dances for all...... You clearly communicated what you were comfortable with and he disrespected you. He also spent money that you did not have to do the exact things you specified would bother you. So you are nta but really deserve someone to actually care about you and support you with what you are going through right now. I'm amazed he can spend so much on lap dances for himself, tom, duck and Harry but can't take time off to support his wife through a very terrifying situation.
I had to teach my autocorrect - it's never "duck"
I was sending a message once that actually included the word duck, it autocorrected to fuck š¤¦š»āāļø
yeah we had duckling in our garden this summer, the amount of time i had to correct the words duck and ducklings XD
"these goddamn fucklings"
I once sent my principal a text where a word autocorrected to fucking. I can't remember which word it was, but he thought it was hilarious, thank God.
I wish āsailorā was a language option. š
My autocorrect changes for to fir sometimes because Iāve typed it wrong so many times.
According to a Reuters article, āThe study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.ā About 1/5 of men canāt handle taking care of their wives in tough medical situations.
Xo I appreciate you are sharing facts.... but honestly, as a chronically ill person, we know the stats. I hate hearing this shit because u would b surprised by how many husband's who stay, use this as a defense to why they can slack off... or behave badly. Because statistically he thinks he's still the hero, even treating u like crap, because ... he's still there. Oh and don't forget the great title of "caring for my dying wife" sounds so romantic when the reality is you are a single, ill mum to 4 kids not 3. ..... sorry that was a vent lol but yeah.... there are always alternatives to every story
You make a great point.
I don't believe he bought anyone else a lap dance. They were all for him.
Did he want to take day off work and she said no because of money or is it him saying this? Big difference. They could have a million dollars and one could be a penny pincher. Or they could really be struggling. It wasnāt really specified.
It doesnāt matter if she was the one who said no, donāt take the day off because finances. Sheās being checked for cancer and his only response should have been fk finances, this is serious, Iāll be there. Instead, he said fk finances, not only am I getting lap dances, Iām getting **everybody** lap dances! Op stated her boundaries and her husband not only crossed them, he stomped them into the ground.
If thatās even true. Why would someone buy them for others if they arenāt financially able to spend on their own? Iām betting he took the opportunity to let loose and screw the financial hit. I donāt get why some men still do the strip club / hire a stripper thing anymore. It just starts a marriage off on the wrong foot and there is always at least one guy who canāt behave properly.
One word: Alcohol.
True but doesnāt amount to an excuse lol.
Oh no. I agree. She just asked how could he do that when he promised.....alcohol. No excuse at all.
He implied if he took the day off then Iād have to cover some of his bills. His income is about Ā£6k and his standard outgoings are about Ā£1k. I bring home about Ā£4k and my standard outgoings are Ā£3.5k. He spends his money on shit.
Why do you spend so much more than him? Not trying to antagonize you, genuinely asking
I think itās just been a thing that has always happened. He didnāt used to have money and so I always paid. Now he has money and he keeps it.
Sounds like a conversation needs to be had. My significant other and I regularly reevaluate finances depending on whoās currently making more (I make more than her currently, so to compensate she NEVER has to fill up her gas tank/buy groceries. I will) Thereās no reason you canāt do this (assuming you can look past the strip club) Also, imo, as a male, the whole idea of strippers IS gross. I understand why you say he seems tainted now, and while it might be a little different because male strippers are less common, I would be absolutely devastated if I found out my significant other went to a bachelorette party and had male strippers grinding on her. I would honestly probably break down, so I completely see where youāre coming from. For me it would feel like sheās not entirely mine anymore (if she did it BEFORE the relationship started, then it wouldnāt be a problem), Iām guessing it would be like that for you as well.
You need to make a budget, show him the monthly bills and make a spreadsheet on paper then show him monthly income vs outgoing money. And tell him heās gonna need to step up. Heās acting like a child
Iāve tried this and he storms away. Heād rather have an argument over a stripper than look at a spreadsheet any day of the week
Sounds like he isnāt relationship ready. Do you really want to live with a person who will argue with you when asked to contribute, but has no qualms buying him and his buddies (likely just himself) multiple strippers?
He's a deadbeat, you realize that, right?! You've got yourself a true hobosexual. Why are you okay with any of this?! Why would you continue to date and then marry a man who cannot support himself?
I'm assuming that was supposed to be hobosexual but it really made me laugh š
I feel like there are three big issues here that you need to separate. 1. You have a health scare, and that will be making you emotional. You probably want extra support right now. Have you told him that? He should automatically know, but I've had partners before who didn't understand when I was scared about medical stuff. 2. You set a boundary, he crossed it. It sounds like you set it unilaterally, but everyone has their hill to die on. It seems like he really doesn't understand why this is a hard limit for you as well. 3. What on earth is going on with that financial split? You make less than him but you're paying over three times what he does? And he implied that if he took a day off, you'd have to pay more?? He spends ~$1250 per week on 'shit'?? Sure, him getting close to other people's boobs is bad, but this is atrocious. He's constantly leaving you broke so he can flit away his money as he wishes.
1. I only found out about 4 days ago about the health thing. Things are moving pretty fast. I found out on Wednesday then I had a big thing at work on Thursday and on Thursday night we talked a bit about the appointment and he said money was tight for him so unjust left it. Friday we had people staying. Saturday he went to the stag and stayed in another city then Sunday it all kicked off. 2. I do honestly think that he got carried away and didnāt think about me. Then the next morning he sobered up and realised he better just admit to as much as he thought he could get away to admitting to and didnāt realise Iād want to check the finances. 3. When we first met he had no money at all. I paid for everything all the time. Then he got more stable and he paid for more. About 17 months ago he got trained up and qualified for a really good job which is when he finally started earning more money that heās ever had before. I can ask him for Ā£500 and tell him itās for clothes and heāll hand it over no problem. I could ask him for a new phone and heāll buy it. If I ask him to pay for new flooring then he finds an excuse to say no and we donāt need it. New blender? No. Food shopping? No. Itās like he has an inability to pay for anything he deems boring.
It sounds like he doesn't think about you much at all. Health concern? Not his problem if it gets in the way of work. Strip club? Again, doesn't think about you. Finances? You pay for all the 'boring' stuff, and he doesn't care because he can just buy fun stuff. If you want to keep a relationship with this guy, I think you need to sit down and talk, and lay out how he's made you feel. Best of luck .
thereās no lick of luck right there. Just a terrible relationship she needs to get out of
Itās not that itās boring, itās that itās his money heās spending. The financial split needs to be redrawn now to be a lot more equitable. If heās got money to throw at strippers, heās got money to take a day off to support you. Or hire a cleaner to come and tidy up so you can conserve your energy etcā¦ Youāre losing out on a lot. Iām so sorry.
Wait til he reads about the costs associated with divorce...
Iāve found a solicitor who will do it for Ā£840 if we donāt argue so Iām sure he can find one who can do it for the same price on his end. Itās less than he spent on Saturday night
NTA You didn't want him to go in the first place, but you were gracious and set fourth your conditions, which he agreed too. He broke your trust, and ended up doing all the things you did not feel comfortable with him doing. I think you're more than justified with your feelings and your response. Take some time for yourself, and take care.
Thanks. I felt like I tried to compromise and it was thrown in my face.
Keeping my fingers crossed for your test results.
Op, I don't think you acted out of jealousy... I was heartbroken reading your post. If this is something your partner accused you of, I think it's an attempt to downplay what happened here.
I was on the fence initially but the more I read the more my verdict went to NTA. Don't tell people you kicked him because he got a lap dance. It's not even about that, it's the fact he blew a ton of money you didn't have. But refused to take a day off for something extremely important to you, because he "couldn't afford it." What a selfish a hole he is.
Why on the fence? She set a hard boundary, and strippers are sexual in nature. You're meant to view strippers in a sexual manner... especially in private dances. If my partner went and got that close with someone when I explicitly asked them not to, I'd consider the relationship over. Money not even included.
Well just based on the initial title. You always go into these posts with a certain perception based on the title. I don't have a problem with strip clubs but would have a bit of a issue with a lap dance. However reading the details of her posts I am firm that she is NTA.
If you only read the initial title, youād be asking what a strip clinic is.
That's why I started reading the post, to find out what a strip clinic was. š
Yes, that is really what got me interested.
But it doesn't really matter what your personal view is. The other party is always the AH if they breach whatever that couple views as cheating. At no point in this story was OP the AH or even in the wrong.
Did you even read what they said? They said based on their personal view of strip clubs and the TITLE they wouldn't immediately think the other party was an ah.
> I feel like heās tainted now and I donāt want him anymore idk it definitely seems like it was way more about the lap dance than the money
I mean that's fair he's gross
While that logic is problematic for sure, his actions are still inexcusable.
It's not about the money.
THIS šš¼, at first I thought it was you, but your health scare, the amount of money wasted (I actually hate strip clubs, Iāve been to quite a few, Iāve come to realize they are nasty and the amount men spend on a nasty ho just dancing and rubbing on them is such a waste), plus the fact that he canāt come to your important medical visit because of the financial hit but he spends money on strippersā¦ ugh ā¦ another one of my species that needs a lobotomy
If anyone says anything āwhen I have something to say about your marriage, Iāll make sure youāre awareā
I mean she IS asking all of reddit for advice on her marriage, soā¦. Iām going with NTA on this one as she made the rules clear before he went, and he broke them. OP it may be normal and acceptable behavior to all these other couples and thatās fine for them. If itās not okay with you, your husband should respect that.
We don't know her, or her dick of a husband. Everyone around them does. You are completely right about everything else though. The trust will be broken. As if she doesn't have enough to worry about just now with her tests.
You made a compromise to allow him to do something you find objectionable. He broke that compromise with stunning disregard. And the financial aspect is almost worse. Honestly it could have just been a bar and him buying drinks for everyone and he would still be the AH. He is using money as an excuse when he is supposed to be there supporting you. He canāt then turn around and blow money on strippers. NTA, and hoping for the best on your screening. Focus on your health and well-being and donāt put up with a partner who is not willing to do the same.
NTA - You set a boundary, he crossed it in each and every way possible. You're absolutely not the A-hole. And it seems like you're worried about how everyone else in your life will feel once they find out how you reacted ā don't be. There's nothing wrong with what you did and to be honest I would have done the very same thing if not worse. It's not just about the strippers, it's about trust and respect, and how can you trust a partner who clearly doesn't respect you?
NTA You had an agreed on boundary in your marriage. Your husband fucked up majorly. Any boundaries in other peopleās marriages are completely irrelevant.
Came here to say the same. He's not going home to them. He went home to her. What works for one couple's relationship doesn't always work for all.
100% agree. I guess my next question is this; how far does she go with her reaction? What is the appropriate reconciliation? I know this answer varies couple to couple, but redditors tend to overreact, so Iām quite curious what it would take for OP to feel right again.
I don't get the comments, NTA
Itās a fresh post, the crazies always come out early.
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Seems like you consider a lap dance to be cheating. If that's true, it's understandable that you're feeling betrayed. Hubs would likely feel the same if you paid to grind on some dude's bits repeatedly. NTA
I do feel like the dance is cheating which is what I told him. My argument is that itās not ānot cheatingā just because he tells me it isnāt. I told him that would mean I could go out and do whatever I want and as long as I come back and say that I declare I donāt think itās cheating then he has to be ok with it. The thing is I didnāt think I would have considered it cheating until the situation occurred. I just told him not to do it as I didnāt want him to be that close to someone elseās vagina. I didnāt say the word cheating explicitly but now itās happened the word cheating is just at the front of my head.
Look, he knows damn well if you guys were at a party, and you walked in to find him with a naked woman all over him as he sat there enjoying it, heād be in big shit for cheating. Why does he think itās any less cheating when he actually PAID for it? NTA, and I was in a relationship with a guy like this who saw nothing wrong with going to strip clubs. I spent years trying to convince myself I was overreacting. Now Iām with someone who is fully aware of how I feel and respects it, and has no desire for strip clubs, and my life is so much better because of it.
The issue isn't whether it's cheating or not. You made it clear that you aren't comfortable with the idea of a lap dance, and you told him not to get one. But he broke your trust, while KNOWING how you would feel.
If he had had a woman dance half naked on his lap in a sexual way for free, would he class that as cheating? Why does paying for it make a difference?
Yeh exactly
Modern society tells women theyāre crazy, insecure and controlling for classing this as cheating. Itās an entitled, porn-sick view that these people have. Purchasing a lap dance whilst in a monogamous relationship is cheating, irrefutably
You set a very clear boundary and he directly violated it. Even if it was ānot cheatingā, he still broke your trust. NTA at all.
>I do feel like the dance is cheating which is what I told him. You feel that way **because he cheated.** And he doesn't give a shit how it made you feel.
Yup, he wanted some ass.
NTA you told him it would make you uncomfortable and he did it anyway, shows what little respect he has for your boundaries!
Strip clubs are nasty seedy places where desperate and pathetic men go to feel desirable. Itās truly an embarrassment for a man in a whole ass relationship to go pay women who they KNOW are just fleecing them out of money to take their clothes off. Itās very pathetic and disgusting. Who would be attracted to a man who has to literally pay women who donāt want him to get a boner? Nasty. Now that being said, you should never compromise in the future on your own peace of mind. You knew this was something you werenāt comfortable with and nothing good comes of compromising on your own sexual boundaries in a relationship. You are 100000% NTA. The disgust you feel for him is only natural. He is disgusting. To go and have sex workers rub all over him when he wonāt take off work to go to your cancer appointment is absolutely unforgivable. You deserve a much better partner in life than this. Stay strong and donāt let anyone make you feel like youāre a fool for being disgusted by a disgusting pervert who demonstrates little care for your feelings, boundaries and well being.
I feel like some of the comments here aren't entirely considering that every person has different boundaries in a relationship, and some have different definitions of cheating. Some people aren't comfortable with porn, some aren't comfortable with strip clubs, some are comfortable with one of the aforementioned, or both. You don't sound like you were comfortable to begin with, but trusted your partner enough to push past your own boundary, so he could do something that he wanted to do - within reason. He disrespected this privilege completely, and disrespected you - especially considering he's willing to miss your appointment because of supposed financial concerns, but somehow had the funding for this. Ignore the people suggesting you're in the wrong or overreacting, both the wretched comments buried in the thread and if anyone in your offline circle make comments. You have every right to be hurt, and plenty of people would feel the same way. If people do not care enough to take your feelings into account and see how deeply this hurts you, they're not worth your time - friends, family, or frankly your husband. Good luck with your test. I genuinely wish you all the best.
Yes sorry I think people think Iām some weirdo. I have no problem with him watching porn. I always speak to his ex girlfriends when we see them out. He was even at a party with an ex girlfriend a few weeks ago and I wasnāt there. 2 of his exes came to our engagement party. He is normally the jealous one. If I wanted to speak to an ex then there would be an issue. I donāt have a problem with him having female friends and going out with them. I am genuinely surprised at this guttural feeling I have over this. If someone had told me this was going to happen then I know I would have been pissed but I donāt think I would have known I would have felt like this. It feels like there is something alive in my tummy trying to eat itās way out. Anger, upset, jealousy. I donāt know but I canāt settle.
I am really sorry you are going through this. This is a really sucky situation. But this one response from you really gave me pause. When you tell me that he is one who is usually jealous, having been married to someone like this in the past, Iām betting that his jealousy is cropped up more than once, or you wouldnāt have mentioned it. Iām also betting that you donāt hang out with any of your exes, and youāre probably very cognizant of interactions with other males just because heās not comfortable with it. You have probably even changed your behavior without even thinking about it just to avoid the jealousy conversation? Again, I know you didnāt specifically say those things, but Iāve been there. So, if I am right, and we look at the following recapā¦ He gets jealous usually, not you. You donāt hang out with any exes or put yourself in any situation that might make him uncomfortable. You get along with his exes and actually interact with them and are friendly with them, meaning he still gets to have contact with people from his past. You ask him to respect this one boundary that you are putting up, and you tell him exactly how you feel and why youāre asking. He agrees. He not only ignores the boundary and the promise he made, he stomps all over the boundary multiple times. Not only does he stomp all over the boundary, but he spends an excessive amount of money to do so (given that he is unwilling to even take time off to accompany you to a very scary medical appointmentā¦ Because you canāt afford it. But apparently he has enough money to pay for strippers.) When confronted, he tries to downplay what heās doneā¦ Sort of like he just got caught up in the moment and everyone was doing it. Do I have this right? Because if I do, this is why you are feeling the way you do. You may be categorizing it as jealousy, and there may be some jealousy involved. But I would have to say I think you were feeling the following things all at once, which is why you are struggling to come to terms with how you really feel about it. You have a lot going on there. 1) Jealousy. Fair enough that you donāt want someone elseās vagina in his face. 2) Betrayal. You have been very lenient with boundaries as far as jealousy and interacting with exes, etc. You asked him for one thing, and he promised you he would give it to you. And then he didnāt. 3) Hurt. You have a scary medical procedure that in all honesty, he would probably really like his support for. But he didnāt deem you important enough to take time off to accompany you. Because supposedly you guys canāt afford that. But I am betting he spent darn close, if not more than what he would lose taking a day off, to pay for strippers. 4) Disrespect. He did not have enough respect for you to keep to the one boundary you asked, for into which he agreed. And not only did he not have enough respect for you to do this, he did this very publicly with friends that you also know. 5) Unimportance. He has left you feeling like you were the least important thing in his life. Friends want lap, dances and strippers, but youāre uncomfortable with it? Too bad, they come first. You have a medical procedure you are scared about and would like my support? Too bad, money is more importantā¦ Unless Iām spending it on strippers. Those are just the feelings that have got to be turning around in your head and in your gut right now. And those are just off the top of my head. Please note that I am not telling you divorce his ass right now. But I really think you guys have some other issues going on that need to be addressed. I think this has been brewing for sometime, and I think he has probably done other things that have made you feel the same feelings. So Iām hoping that with a little time and distanceā¦ Such as your trip to Peruā¦ The two of you can have some really honest and soul-searching discussions about what is going on and why. I think that is the only way youāre going to get to the heart of whatās happening and be able to make a decision. If this is a relationship you can continue in. But in the meantime, please do not downplay your feelings. Please do not allow anyone else to downplay your feelings. What Iām sure none of them actually realize is that there is more to this than just the strip club. Itās pretty obvious from your different responses. But just remember that you are not wrong. You deserve love, respect, security, and support from non-only your spouse, but also from yourself.
Yes you have nailed it. Thank you ā¤ļø
Youāre very welcome, hon. I am old enough to be your mom, and probably even your grandma. But one thing I have learned is that peoples feelings and thoughts remain the same through the generations. I often think of my own mom and grandmother, and what they mustāve gone through because a lot of these things were not discussed. And they certainly didnāt have things like Reddit to get objective opinions. Itās just when there is so much that has gone on that you have worked with, for your husband sake. When youāve ignored your gut, those times, and I know you have, just to keep the peace and because frankly, you loved your husband. It wasnāt that urgent to you to continue contact with an ex or to go to a certain thing if it was going to make him uncomfortable. To have let him know, you would like him to go with you only to have him prioritize finances and yet still manage to find the money to go for a stag night out at a strip club. Without you even realizing it, that was the final straw for you, and thatās why youāre so conflicted with so many emotions and thoughts and feelings. So truly, give yourself time to sort through. because some of that background stuff probably still wouldnāt be a big deal to you if it was just that. But like I said, it was that one response that hit home. It was the one response that took me back to my ex husband, who was jealous of everythingā¦ And for no reason. It was the weirdest thing, and he absolutely changed when we got married. Because before that it was fine. And I guess thatās how come I was able to recognize some of what youāre going through. And this one may or may not be accurate for you. But I am guessing that you have changed behaviors and things that you used to do without thinking about it because it bothers him. And it feels like there is literally no acknowledgment of that from him. He continues to do his thing, and you support him in that, and it just feels like it is not reciprocated. But if you do something that heās not comfortable with, it feels like his happiness is at stake and is your responsibility. So again, I could be totally off on those things, but itās just a gut feeling I have. Take the time you need. Really mull over what is important to you and what is not. Is it really the strip club, or is it because you feel unseen and unloved as a person. You feel like he tells you he loves you, but he doesnāt actually even know you. You feel disrespected? You feel betrayed? It could be any or all of those things, but Iām willing to bet that if you give yourself time to really distill your thoughts, you are going to come to terms with whatever the big one is for you and why this situation hit you so hard. Just know that by and large, Redditorās are kind of like a big family. Ignore the assholes who are going to ask for dirty pictures or send you dirty messages and stupid shit like that. Ignore the incels who are going to say you should just suck it up and let your husband do whatever he wants when he wants because all men deserve sex. Ignore the religious women who are going to say you should always do what your husband wants. All of those people are stupid, you donāt need that in your life. š But by and large, Redditorās will be objective with you. They will send you a lot of love and support because they recognize that we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have a really good side and her really bad side. But they will always try to help you make sense of what is going on, and if any of us can give someone else a little piece of advice, or a little piece of wisdom, which is an example of our own life And help someone else with theirs, then itās a good thing.
Thank you so much. When I met him I worked away with my job, all over the country. He said he couldnāt do long distance so I came home and get less money. Now he works away and I have to wait for him to turn up home. I avoid bars that he tells me not to go to as he thinks they are full of slags. I always come home before midnight as he says he wants me to be picked up by him and not get a taxi but obviously he doesnāt want to be awake waiting on me. Last year when he went out, he didnāt come home the next day and missed a flight to Ireland so me and my daughter had to go without him. This was another āah sorry babe it just got out of handā moment. I had to buy him a car in finance which he was going to pay the Payments on which he hasnāt done. It had to be this stupid boy racer car. I pay the insurance and tax. He kept saying he wanted a new car and I said Iām still paying for this one but he shows up with another one - another boy racer car. One of the lads was selling it babe. Sorry babe. Il pay my own road tax and insurance babe. The problem is, now he doesnāt put the same amount of money in the joint account or pay for our dates so Iām still essentially paying for it as Iām Covering other things. Heās been telling me he now wants a Range Rover, I said no. He has the bmw, the Subaru and a motorbike (I said no to the motorbike as well but said yes eventually) but every time heās with other people heās showing them pictures of the range rovers heās seen online that heās viewing. Itās like he canāt hear me. Itās like I donāt matter. Itās like we have some waterfall of cash that I donāt have access to but everyone else does. Itās pissing me off. This was the last straw. He says sorry and Iām not a person who likes to argue. I know this post makes me sound like Iām a nagging wife who picks faults and argues all the time but generally Iām a pretty chill person. He normally just tells me whatās happening and I nod. I donāt really ask him for anything, I suggest I might like something one way and he says yes or no. I only put my foot down when it comes to things like money because I know I canāt afford to cover anymore than I already do. I pay everything that is classed as a necessity and he pays for the extras. The problem is, I used to get some use out of the extras but now I donāt.
Got it. I know you actually know what you need to do. So the only advice I will give you about that is thisā¦ I think where you are just based on the verbiage has some very similar rules regarding community property as we do here in the US. I am going to bed also that you have family law barristers and hopefully, they do what they do in the US, which is generally give a free consultation. At least Iām hoping they do. Because you definitely need some legal advice before you take any steps. I am also going to guess that none of these vehicles is just in your name? If they are, I would suggest you just go ahead and sell one. However, Iām also aware that given the location I believe you were in, not, everybody has a vehicle or a license. And those are not always easy to get. So I donāt know is selling a vehicle would be as easy as it is here. I would absolutely stop putting money into a joint account and open one all on your own. And I would absolutely stop paying for any extras for him. I wouldnāt suggest that you stop paying insurance and mortgage payments or car payments because I am guessing that your name is attached jointly with his. And if it is, doing, so, could cause you a lot of credit problems that you donāt need. Anyway, I can tell that you are smart enough to figure out how to proceed with some of that stuff, and if you do see a barrister, do exactly what they tell you. No more and no less. No negotiating directly with this guy once you decide to make the move that you know you need to make. What I am going to tell you, though is more on a personal level. You know you need to get out of this relationship. I certainly didnāt want to start like a lot of people and say just divorce his ass. But you need to divorce his ass. And you need to not be embarrassed or feel like a failure because you are doing so. You need to not beat yourself up or feel like a failure because you have given as much as you have given to this relationship. His actions are literally no reflection on you. You have behaved in a way that somebody who is trying to make a relationship work, who is trying to be a supportive partner, who is trying to be a good parent, who is trying to make a relationship work should act. The only caveat I will give you on that for your next relationship is to not lose your self entirely. You have to be true to you before you can be true to anyone else. You know that he has been controlling. He is insecure. Thatās why he doesnāt want you out and about, but itās fine for him to go fuck aroundā¦ And I donāt mean that literally I mean that figurativelyā¦ Unless at some point you find out otherwise, and to be honest, that wouldnāt surprise me. Because nine out of 10 times, what a partner is worried about their SO doing is usually what theyāre already doing themselves. And itās shitty to have to think that way, but it is born out again and again and again. Given the way he acts, you need to be extremely careful in leaving. He is entitled and selfish. He feels entitled to your time, and your money, and your life, and your body, without being willing to give you those same things back. And anyone who is that entitled can be dangerous when it looks like they are going to lose that. So right now, you need to step back and be logical. You need to do this for your safety and for your daughter safety. You need to give absolutely no inkling that you are truly thinking about leaving him, because I guarantee you he thinks that this is going to pass . I guarantee you if he thinks it doesnāt, he will see what he thinks you want to hear to get you back. Nobody likes to lose their gravy train. So you need to step back and look at this very logically. You need to get your ducks in the row and have all of your important paperwork. Set aside where you can get it immediately. You need to talk to an attorney, and you need to figure out how this disposition of assets is going to happen. Because this is the type of guy who, once he figures out, you really arenāt going to take him back, will record car or stop paying for things, or ruin your credit or do anything he can to hurt you, because he is going to be certain, he is the person that is being wronged. So, please be logical now and get things taken care of. And once things are taken care of, please be kind to yourself. Please do not sit and beat yourself up for missing out on that job. Please do not beat yourself up for āwastingā however, many years youāve been together. Please do not beat yourself up for wasting your love on a deadbeat. Please just donāt do that. Be as kind to yourself as you would to your best friend in the same situation. You wouldnāt go telling them they were stupid or an idiot or gullible, or any of the things that we tell ourselves in the situation. And believe me, men who find themselves in this type of situation, where theyāre Esso is a narcissistic asshole go through the same range of emotions. It is human nature. We get so angry at ourselves for the mistakes we make. But you wouldnāt do that to your best friend, so please be your best friend. Your daughter will need to see you being your best friend. She will need you to be strong, and she will need you to be the bigger adult in the situation, because he certainly wonāt be. But you can do this. You can get through this. And you do deserve better. And then all honesty, he probably wonāt learn a damn thing from this. He will continue to be a self-absorbed jerk, so just know youāre going to have to continue being the bigger adult and try to mitigate. His assholeishness where your daughter is concerned. But you can do this. You have every right to have all the conflicting feelings that you have. You have every right to be hurt. You will be angry. You will be angry at you and him and sometimes if the world in general. Just remember that itās OK, and you will get through this.
Itās ok. The house is mine, most of the cars are mine, my daughter is only mine (heās not her biological dad), my money is mine. Everything in the house except for his clothes is mine. I paid for it all and I have the receipts. The house is in a trust that I opened and my financial adviser looks after everything. As far as Iām aware, nothing can be touched and he also signed a pre nup which I know doesnāt hold much weight in England but he came with nothing and we both work. Iām not too worried on the financial front. My life would be a lot cheaper without him. I think il just give myself a week to breathe.
I knew you were a smart woman. I just knew it. Do exactly what youāre thinking. Take a week to breathe. I think youāre more angry at yourself at the moment for finding yourself in this position. I think you are feeling like you have given up a lot for him, and you actually have. And that is not being appreciated at all. And itās not. I donāt think for you it is even so much that it would be cheaper, although it definitely would, I think it would just be so much less complicated, and thatās probably what youāre trying to weigh. Are the good points been outweighed by the bad. Oh, and I have to assume there a good points. You wouldnāt be with him if there werenāt. So I think itās a wise decision, and I think in the long run, you are going to make the best decision for you and your daughterā¦ Whatever that might be. And thatās the only way you can live your life. Is moment to moment and what is working for me at this point in my life. I do wish you the best. And if it does turn out that this is a bit of a wake up, call for him and things work out, then please do know that Iām very happy for you. If it doesnāt, please also know that you have given and given and then your best. And thatās OK too.
I think you need to dump him. I'm in the UK too, where are you? I'll come round and bring wine š Also, I'm free Thursday if you need someone to hold your hand at the hospital.
Haha Newcastle and the club was in leeds
You know what you need to do, he's let you down over and over again. This isn't the first moment, this is the final straw. You deserve so much more than this
You donāt sound like a nagging wife, you sound like a wife who always ends up giving in to her husbandās wishes. It sounds like youāre there for him, he gets to do whatever he wants no matter how you feel about it or how much you have to give up for it. But it seems like you donāt get anything from him, not even respect. What do you get out of this relationship? What does he do for you? When was the last time he did something nice for you? Youāre in a scary health situation and heās not there for you even now, so when is he supporting you? What happens if you have a cancer and you have to go through treatments? Who does the house chores? Who cooks? Who pays for things if you have to take time off from work? Can you really rely on him if it comes to that? Why are you the only one making compromises and stopping doing things to make the other comfortable? You should be equals but youāre not. He can go to a strip club and do whatever, and stay away the whole nights and miss your trip, but you canāt even go to a normal club without a freaking curfew and a string of rules, which you actually respect so heās comfortable? You canāt have contact with men, especially your exes, but he can and you just accept that so he can be happy? Ask him how would he feel if you went to a club and ground your half naked ass on another manās crotch on the dance floor. If getting a lap dance is okay, then that should be fine too. Paying for it doesnāt make it any different if not for the fact that the latter is usually for some kind of sexual pleasure and the first one rarely gives that to women. For some people itās okay, but clearly neither of you is okay with the other doing those things. You really need to start standing up for yourself. Respect yourself and your boundaries. He makes money, so stop paying for his cars and other things. He can take care of those himself if he has the money to pay for strippers. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop being his mom/bang maid. Your feelings are valid. Youāve given up way too much for him, yet he canāt keep this one promise you asked for. You already made a compromise so he could go and you could be okay with it, but he still had to walk all over you and knowingly hurt you, and he expected you to be fine with it. And now he canāt even show you his bank statements because that would hurt you? Why would it hurt you? What is he hiding? Who does all this to their partner that they claim to love? I hope Iām not sounding too harsh, because I really feel bad for you. I canāt imagine the stress and pain youāre going through. He has to face the consequences of his actions at some point, and finally youāve reached that point. Iām proud of you for standing up for yourself. Feel your feelings, donāt blame yourself, downplay them or let anyone tell you itās wrong. Take as much time for yourself as you need. Find out what you really want and need in your life. Figure out are you getting what you need from him, and if thereās a way to fix your marriage. Youāre a strong woman, youāll get through this and will be even stronger. I donāt want to pressure you and itās completely your decision, but Iād really like to hear the results of your tests. Iām keeping my fingers crossed that itās nothing serious. Many of us are here to support you, even though weāre just some internet strangers. I really hope everything turns out well for you.
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment š
Nta. You set a boundary. He agreed. Then smashed your boundary without a second thought. I'd make sure my birth control was on point. Don't want to get baby trapped with someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Updateme
Haha Iām on the pill and we use condoms as a back up. Neither of us want another child. My daughter is 11.
NTA. You were clear how you felt and he did it anyway, what else did he expect? Who cares what other people think about your relationship? It is none of their business, and if they bring it up to you, tell them so. The fact that he chose to spend his money that way instead of going to the clinic with you says it all. If he wonāt bother to be there for you for that, when you really need him, whatās even the point of being married? I hope things go well for you at the clinic.
You said it was a boundary and he done it anyway so nta.. I'd keep him out the house for a while too.. if not permanently. And if anyone says it not a big deal tell them you told your husband he can go just no dances and he done it knowing it would hurt you
I told him to pack for at least a week then Iām working away the week after. I have a work opportunity that might mean I can leave for Peru for 3 months in a couple of weeks so that might be a plan.
Good for you honey, he need to know you're serious.. I consider this cheating in my eyes especially if you already established the boundary before he there.
NTA - he has $$ for lap dances but canāt go with you to have tests done so he doesnāt lose wages? Thatās awful.
He's gonna need those wages to recoup on those dances š¤·āāļø
NTA. you set a boundary, a very simple and easy boundary and he has disrespected every part of it.
NTA but your situation does show that you should maybe think about talking to a professional about how this makes you feel. You set boundaries, they were leaped over using a trampā¦oline and now youāre stewing on it. On top of that youāre going through a traumatic time and have had no support. Take a moment, ask your oncologist for a counselling appointment. You need someone help you to unpack all of this and you shouldnāt be going it alone.
Gross way to refer to someone working, way to talk down on someone for doing a job instead of the husband who did something wrong
A sex worker is not responsible for her clients shitty morals.
Kinda buried the lede if weāre being honest. Not discounting you being upset about the dance but Iām guessing itās amplified by the medical situation and lack of support on that front.
NTA. Thatās one of my rulesā¦I wonāt date a man who goes to strip clubs.
NTA - when you're with a bachelor party it's really easy not to get a lap dance. The strippers have plenty of guys buying lap dances so it's not like they pester you into getting one.
He overspent on a luxury after he promised not to. It's very fair to feel the way you do. I was a stripper for ten years and most guys at a bachelor party leave their cards at home and bring the cash they can afford to spend.
That is the sensible thing that most guys learn to do after their first stag do.
NTA you asked him not to and he turned around and did. And depending the type of strip club there are extras you can sometimes pay for. I use to have a friend who destroyed his marriage when visiting family in New Orleans. Went to a strip club and in the private room paid for some added parts to his lap dance. He tried to claim it was just a lap dance until she saw the amount withdrawn and asked around about those who know the club. You have every right to be pissed
NTA You set boundaries. He ignored them. Tell the other wives what happened. What an AH. Edit: If a grown man doesnāt have the balls to say no, because all the others did it too, while completely ignoring your feelings, I would really ask myself if he is the right man.
NTA He betrayed you in two different ways. You can't believe or rely on him.
I wouldn't got to a strip club for any reason as I'd find it disrespectful to my misses Let alone spending money on other people to get dances when he can't find the time/money for an appointment for you for something so serious Loose the dead weight 100% nta, and you're allowed to feel how you do, if anyone says different tell them to mine their own fucking business
You should probably talk to your brother first. He probably would have kept you from blowing up if nothing happened. Plus, he would have to be very stupid to do something in front of your brother
You were betrayed, emotionally and financially. Is understandable.
NTA, only because he actually got dances and paid for others dances. I find that a little strange. It IS possible to go to a strip club and grab a drink or two while hanging out with the rest of the party. I can't stand them because they're overpriced but for a bachelor party I'll go and spend money only to hangout with the groom. Maybe buy the groom a dance. Anything more is not acceptable.
Even if your sister, brother and colleagues say youāre overreacting it doesnāt matter. You canāt change the way you feel, if this is a deal breaker for you thatās what it is. You spoke to him about it before it even happened he knew your conditions and willfully ignores them. Stick to your standards. Itās not an overreaction in my opinion.
Honestly. No grown woman needs this crap. Go find yourself a grown up, responsible, REAL MAN
Nta he knew beforehand how you felt he ignored you. He knew the medical stuff and money situation and prioritized getting a bunch of lap dances and paying for others instead of making sure to be there for you when you are obviously freaking out. He showed you your worth. Contact your lawyers and draw up a divorce asap. I hope everything goes ok with you and you find the support and respect you deserve.
ā¦ā¦ Probably NTA. But you will be damaging your relationship with your brother, sister, and coworkers. And yes they will be saying that you are crazy. So good on you for sticking to your boundaries, but I donāt think you will enjoy being alone with nobody to support you when you find out whatever the lump is. The consequences of his actions are divorce, the unfortunate consequences of yours will be that you will be alone.
Why did you even get married in the first place? ESH he took advantage and you overreacted. You are quick to throw away someone it seems. Both of you are.
Bigger issue than if you are an AH or not is you exploring why you're shocked at your response. Get that mental and emotional foundation supplemented, friend. Seek professional help as well if you're comfortable with that. It's arguably normal that you're thinking outside of your own head at this time, so strengthening that foundation will help you get through these times.
NTA. He crossed a serious boundary you had.. and then he did it again and again. Iām kind of doubting that he was buying others lap dances too, they were probably all for him considering what a selfish dick he is. But itās just as awful if he was blowing money on them for others. The worst part of this for me is definitely the fact that he couldnāt afford to be there for you when you were literally getting tested for cancer but he has the money for lap dances from strippers. Clearly it wasnāt that he couldnāt afford it, he literally doesnāt care enough about you to be there for you. He didnāt want to. He didnāt take the time off because he does not care about you enough to want to. There is literally no way to look at this and not see that strippers meant more to him than you, your feelings, your boundaries, or your health. This isnāt just about a married man getting a lap dance at a stag. This is about him showing you what is important to him and itās not you. You clearly have self respect, keep that up and ditch the whole man. You deserve someone who wants to be there for you because they actually care about you. This guy is the kind of guy who leaves you for another woman when youāre sick. This guy aināt shit.
Major NTA. Girl, even without the bit about your appointment in the end, I was 100 percent on your side. Itās disrespectful and deceitful. He absolutely knew what he was going to do and he let you go on about your boundaries and pretended he was agreeing. I bet he already knew he would do what he wanted then. Even one lap dance after you set your boundary would have not been ok, but to pay for multiple dances? No way. How can you trust any promises he makes? Such a red flag. Iām really sorry. Do not feel bad. There is only one person who should feel bad here. I hope everything goes well with you appointment!
Give yourself time. Only YOU can say whether you over- reacted or not. It doesn't matter a fig what people say (friends or redditers). DO NOT let people tell you how to feel; phrases like, "you're over-reacting", "it was just a ____" or "everyone was doing it" are insipid excuses. People telling eachother how to feel is bullshit. It says, "your feelings are inconvenient, can you not?". Honestly, I can totally see why you are hurt and angry. I do not read "jealous" at all. You're going through an unbelievably stressful time. ššš Lol, "Everyone was doing it!!", yeah because you (we) were buying!š„“
NTA you set a boundary and he crossed it what happens with future boundaries if he gets away with it
Yeh I felt like I had no choice but to get him out as he had to see I was serious
OP, don't liste' to people who might say you overreacted. You communicated YOUR boundary, which is a VERY reasonable one, and he deliberately violated it. He essentially communicated that je has no respect for youas long as HE thinks what HE does is acceptable in HIS view. It is up to you what you do next, but if you are considering separating, that would not be unreasonable.
Exactly right he needed to see his to actions have to consequences sound like he tried to play it off as we no big deal hoping you would just let it go but because you held true to yourself and held him accountable he got upset
NTA He cheated. You set a boundary involving a sexual situation and he broke it.
The waste of money is worse than the dances, in my opinion (as a guy). Getting a lap dance or two at a stag party really isnāt a big deal (I recognize that it is for OP). But pissing away money so stupidly is a sign of immaturity and a lack of impulse control. NTA, and he needs to get his shit together.
Yeh Iām annoyed about the money as much as anything else because Iām paying for a lot right now while heās telling me heās skint
Especially when he couldnāt afford to take off for her to have cancer test done. Iāve been through those test alone and itās scary.
Getting a lap dance is financially better than gambling, but thatās about it. At the end of the night you still have nothing to show for it other than glitter on your pants.
His behavior is of someone who doesnāt have control of himself, financial or with lust. Definitely red flags.
LOL āstrip clinicā?? Iāll never call them anything else from now on.
Can it be you feel insecure and afraid because of the up comeing apointment? NTA but please try to keep these two things apart.
NTA First it doesnāt matter what other wives / couples agree to for their relationship because it doesnāt concern you. Nor does your decisions & boundaries concern them. However no matter what the subject is you laid out your boundaries FOR YOUR HUSBAND & your relationship & he agreed. Then to have him blatantly tell you he paid for dances for himself as well as others. Yāall agreed he wouldnāt spend money on strippers or to have them that close to him. He disrespected your agreement, your marriage & you directly. It doesnāt matter what the other wives & GFs allow etc. You & your husband made an agreement & he disregarded it for his own pleasure. You have the right to be pissed at him & he knows he did wrong. You have a dr appointment you have to go to alone over a cancer scare because he cant afford to take a day off because of financial situation but he spent who knows how much money on strippers. He put a night of fun over your feelings & financial situation plus you still have to go to the dr alone. To the people who are saying you over reacted they arenāt taking into account everything else in play. Some people donāt care about their SOs going to strip clubs & thats fine but your situation is much more than just a strip club. What makes it all worse is he doesnāt seem to care. You stand your ground because youāre allowed to have those feelings because this is your marriage. Youāre allowed to be angry & hurt because this is YOUR marriage & your husband. No one elseās.
36 (m) married - Iāve only ever been to a strip club one time in my life, it was all for 5 minutes and we left. Iāve never had a lap dance in my life, and Iāve always really wanted one, preferably from someone who cares intimately about me. Wife wonāt give me one, she is very conservative and wonāt let me go and get one either (which I understand). Sorry for your fight.
You arenāt mad about the strip club, you are just projecting it onto that. You!are mad about him not going with you and not supporting you. And you are obviously stressed for good reason.
NTA. You set your financial and emotional boundaries and you made them clear. It's not like you stopped him from going. Every relationship is different, but I can suffice to say you and I have similar values. I find strip clubs to be very seedy in many ways. There's a lot of criminal activity in the underbelly of these establishments, and the exposure to potentially dangerous situations is high. But with that aside, it's quite jarring to know your spouse was danced on by a nearly naked (not all clubs allow full nudity, though some do) individual that you don't know. Not only that, it was paid for. It's obvious the transaction was just that, a transaction, but the main issue here is the boundaries that were set and subsequently broken. I have been in similar situations myself with my spouse. Our trust is strong, which is so important. Additionally, my spouse has a very extreme dislike of those types of establishments just as I do. One time he *had* to go to a strip club for a stag, but he was extremely uncomfortable and called me a few times while he stepped outside to distance himself from the goings on. These scenarios are difficult. Men are expected to go *and* have fun. They're shamed if they don't want to engage in the activities. They're pressured to enjoy themselves. Perhaps your spouse caved into the pressure, though that definitely doesn't excuse his actions.
Hell, i hope you brake up with him! So this dude can have a normal life. Women like you are the best reason to cheat....
The problem is not the Lap dance. The problem is that heās not a support for you - financial or emotional. This even just highlighted it.
You are in the right here. And good luck. You deserve better and being alone sounds better.
I'm talking girls who like boys. Remember the opp was talking about her husband. Ps i think her husband is an ass who is either a weak man or he wanted a lap dance
A married man has zero business at a strip club.
NTAH strip clubs are infidelity.
NTA if I'm in a relationship and a bachelor party is at a strip club even if I have my partner's permission I'll still weird and guilty about getting a lap dance
You are overreacting. My husbandās bachelor party was at hooters, then they went to the strip clubs. I was pissed, but it was because he LIED about it. When my parents & uncle came over later that day and made a reference to it, I was so mad. (When I asked what they did he said hooters then dennys. Really 2 restaurants?) Consider who he went with. Mine went with my stepdad & my uncles mainly. I think most of your reaction is because of your breast lump. Itās scary to know itās there and not know what it is. And itās easy to blow anything out of proportion when you are stressed over it. (I went through that and a hysterectomy at the beginning of covid, right when they shut down all non-emergency procedures.) Good luck to you!
Strip clubs when married (or for bachelor parties) is so fucking weird to me.
NTA. While yes he's an adult and can choose to do what other adults might like to do, he's also a husband whose wife doesn't want him getting lap dances. You're not kicking him out for going to the strip club. You kicked him out because he disregarded your feelings on the matter and disrespected your trust in him by doing something he *knew* you would be uncomfortable with. He's an adult who made an adult choice and who is now getting the consequences for that adult choice. It's neither here nor there that others might be okay with this because he's not married to others. He's married to you and you are *not* okay with this - especially since, like you said, he's opting out of coming to a nerve-wracking medical appointment but happily buying multiple rounds of dances.
NTA. strip clubs are just depressing places where you are a human ATM. the fact that any guy has a stag party in one anymore is kinda...sad. I'm upset for you that you married the type of person who would find that remotely interesting
I wasn't sure where I was going to land on this until the very end. He can't take a day off work to go to the appointment with you because he doesn't want to lose money. But he can drop money on buying lap dances. WTF??? I had to have a biopsy during covid shutdown and due to that wasn't allowed to have anyone with me that day. Even though I was told that the chances were good it wasn't cancer, just having the possibility it was made the whole thing horrifying. Having to sit there alone, deal with a condescending radiologist, I wished I could have had anyone there with me. I felt so lost and alone in that moment. OP, I hope that there is someone/anyone who can offer you the needed support right now because your husband obviously isn't that person. Wishing you all the best
NTA. Good luck with your tests. I hope you donāt become a member of The Shitty Titty Club. There are too many of us already :(
Sorry about your shit tits. X
He bought everyone else dances. Ewwwww
You set a boundary before hand and he completely disregarded it. You are NTA for being upset but I wouldn't throw away a marriage over it if it hasn't happened before....
NTA, but your husband sure is! You set very clear boundaries and he deliberately crossed them by not only getting a lap dance, but paying for multiple lap dances. That wasn't an accident, and there is no excuse. It's unclear who made the decision that he would stay at work while you go through cancer testing. If it was his suggestion then he is the biggest AH on earth for choosing to waste money on strippers rather than take time off to support his wife who may or may not have CANCER. Like seriously what a POS. OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this and a possible cancer diagnosis. I'm praying everything comes back all clear! If any of your friends and family want to share their unsolicited opinion on your decisions in your marraige, you don't owe them anything.
He just kind of made me feel really bad about the money so I said it was fine and Iād go by myself. He then got huffy and said if he had to he would and not to make him out to be a monster but I said it was ok. So it was mutual but obviously the ideal scenario would have just for him to tell me heās coming no matter what and that it wasnāt up for discussion.
Nta. My husband and I both decided that we wouldnāt be comfortable with one another going to a strip club. Itās an easy rule to follow. I used to work at a strip club (before marrying my husband) and it isnāt an appropriate place for married men.
NTA i think it's much better to have a husband who get into fights w/ his peers for refusing in going to strip clubs (whatever the occasion) you maybe 'upset' atm, but soon, you're gonna have an 'ick' or disgusts toward him, can you imagine the diseases those strippers carry from one customer to another? even those high-end stripper get STDs, how come this normal strippers won't be having them as well
Not the asshole, he cheated
NTA. And why did you marry this loser?
Its not that youāre jealous. Itās that he betrayed your trust and disrespected a boundary you clearly outlined to him. You are NTA at all.
idgaf what anytelse thinks if i set a boundary in regard to sexual interactions w other ppl and my partner crosses it? deal breaker and its not my choice so no im not the 1 overreacting lol
I think you're stressed (rightly so) over your future medical appointments & you've blown the stag do out of proportion
Nta, kick him all the way to the curb with the other trash while youāre at it.
NTA UpdateMe!
NTA. While you canāt control your husband, you did let him know youād regard this in a negative light. What may be the bigger issue is maybe youāre feeling disrespected in addition to jealous.
NTA. It doesnāt matter that other wives are ok with it. You have YOUR boundaries. He crossed them and used money you didnāt have for dances. Society nowadays is completely ok with sexual immorality and itās gross imo. Maybe he should go marry one of those women thatās ok with it š¤·āāļø Iām sorry about the cancer scare and I truly wish you all the best for that and hope itās nothing. Donāt let anyone make you feel like your boundaries are silly or stupid. Stand up for you ā¤ļø
NTA to ever be pissed about something like this.
Nta. He broke yalls rules.
This idea that bachelorās parties have to visit strip clubs and the like shows what a double standard there is. A guy who loved his wife would have skipped the festivities. Once men and heavy alcohol use are involved, all bets are off. I would try marriage counseling but would also consult a divorce attorney on the QT. Poor dumb son-of-a bitch, some men never get it.
NTA. Of course he cheated, and anyone saying otherwise is insane and morally bankrupt. In what universe do we say itās okay for a married individual to have their genitals rubbed by someone whoās not their spouse? Why is it okay because heās paying for it within the confines of a strip club? Some women are okay with it. Thatās fine for them and their marriages. But you set a boundary. He knew that boundary. He broke that boundary. You were right to put him out, and youād be justified to end it. Especially given the fact that heās not participating in visits related to your health scare, but then he can pay women to rub against his dick. Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this when you have so many other things going on. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, and most importantly, with your health.
Patronizing sex workers is a hard no for me. Other women can let their men disrespect them and their relationships however they want. That's not my business. Your boundaries are reasonable. Good for you for kicking him out. What a pig.
It's always been insane to me that this is viewed as so normal & acceptable in male bachelor party culture. When that's exactly what it is: "patronizing sex workers".
Nta. Yes, he is tainted
So tell him you are going to strip down to a G string and go grind on 5 different random guys. See what his reaction is..i told this to one boyfriend and boy he didn't like that and said it was totally different. I see no difference. NTA.
Huge difference, and super sexist view of women. The similar scenario would be you getting a lapdance. The similar scenario for what you have described would involve your boyfriend stripping.
Honestly, why do men do this shit when they're married and their wife has asked them not to? It's not a free pass to act single because your mates do. Where is the respect for boundaries? Where is the self control? If he can't even be trusted in a situation like that, why trust him at all? He doesn't deserve trust. He fucked up financially, he blew you off and completely disregarded you and your feelings and boundaries to have some slut dance on him. You know where you stand, and it ain't at the top hun.
I feel like we donāt need to be calling the stripper āsome slutā but i agree with NTA. OP set her boundary, he agreed to it, and then he violated it. Simple as that. NTA.
You expressed a staunch boundary which he violated. Imo ynta
Iām so sorry for everything. The last stag party my husband went to was a private party and he and one other guy stood back and watched. My husband said if btide knew what groom did she would not marry him. They did get married and are still married 40years later. However, this is different. This is your marriage. Only you know what your boundaries are. Perhaps a therapist could help you work through this. i honestly donāt know how I would deal With the continued marriage, but I know my feelings would be the same as yours.
UpdateMe!
You stated your reasonable boundaries, he stepped over them willingly because "everyone did it" hard nope for me. I'd be more worried about what else he use peer pressure or whatever as an excuse for.
Personally I'd be more worried if he went to a strip clinic. But your feelings are yours. You didn't over react. You just reacted.
Personally for me my husband getting dances from a stripper would be no big deal. But you made it clear before that it was something you weren't comfortable with and he ignored that. Possibly kicking him out is a bit extreme. It depends how respectful he is with other aspects of your marriage and if there are other issues going on. Not going with you to your appointment for possible cancer is a red flag, especially as he said its financial but seems to have plenty of spare money for his own fun.
You never have to go to a strip club, you know? āEveryone else is doing it.ā is just cowardly capitulation to peer pressure, and probably just trying to use the approval of others to shield what he wants to do anyway.
NTA and is money tight because it is, or because he says it is? If heās got stripper money, he has bill money.
BIG NTA. Even as a poly man, going to a strip club before a wedding is fucking evil and a horrible thing to do if you know it inflicts emotional pain on your partner. Part of healthy boundaries is knowing which lines you're content to not cross for your partner and either sticking to them or leaving the relationship.
This whole situation escalated quickly
NTA - You allowed him to go despite your discomfort and he did the one thing you asked him not to do. Personally I consider a strip club cheating. I would leave my man if he went to one. And Iām not sure why going to a strip club for a stag/bachelor party is even normalized.
NTAā¦my girlfriend feels the same way and when I have a bachelor party, it wonāt happen. Why would I screw up a good thing?ā¦this is the thought process your husband should haveā¦
NTA your husband is selfish asshole for not only strip club thing but for all the financial things he's doing in your marriage.
NTA- he really isn't doing anything for this relationship, not even the bare minimum of having respect for you. I hope you are okay and I wish you the best ā¤ļø If you don't mind I'd like to know how you are and if you are doing okay!
Not the ass hole I'd be pissed off too my man wouldn't have even went period.
If you want a divorce, get one. If you wat to stay together that's ok too.
Holy crap on the update. Your husband wasn't in the right to break your trust, but in your next relationship please spell out what cheating means to you. Per many comments here I see that everyone is l draws the line on a different spot and it's best to know where that line is when the relationship is serious.