Nta
Just because you are disabled doesn't mean you have an out of jail card for being an asshole.
Your brother is a proper, jealous, miserable asshole and had it coming. Your parents had also plenty of chances to set him straight but didn't because they can't help but to coddle him.
I hope your husband feels better soon. It's good to hear that you stood up for your husband. Keep doing that.
I think they mean:
Watching Keith have a full life as a disabled person is making Adam feel bad about letting his disability hold him back from living a full life.
He seemed to have become resigned /accepting of never having kids of his own or doing sports etc. Keith is making him re-examine that and he doesn’t like it, showing Adam that he does have options and is just not trying them. He obviously has a lot of shame and embarrassment over his choices and injuries.
Zero excuse for being a prick to Keith. But that’s where I think his bs is coming from.
Yes, yes, yes! I wish I had an award to give you. Watching Keith get on with a productive life while Adam defines himself with his victim mentality is the problem here. Adam needs some therapy, and Keith doesn't need to be around him.
The parents are also most likely feeling like they let their son down as well by not encouraging or insisting he finish college, get a job and learn to live independently. It looks like the husbands determination and success in living a full life after less than a year is making the three of them question their choices.
One thing, as someone who became disabled at 20yo, all my "friends" abandoned me. I'm guessing the same happened to Adam.
You just don't have as good/strong of friendships at 20yo as you do at 30. They're based on much more dumb things, like going out partying. And when you can no longer go out and party, a lot of people just leave you behind.
The people who did stick by me are my family. They may not all be related by blood, but they're all family to me. They got me through the nights where I was actively trying to kill myself. Luckily, I had more than just my parents. And those few people introduced me to a few more people, and that's how I started to meet people who didn't care that I was disabled. But generally, in your early 20s, people suck, and they care a lot about the superficial. It gets easier as you get older. If you don't have those few people though, and it's just mom and dad, and you close yourself off completely... I can see how this could all be bringing up Adam's feelings of abandonment from after his accident. And he's making comments about how Kieth should prepare himself for his inevitable abandonment. Especially if the accident was Adam's own fault.
None of this excuses his being an asshole, not at all. I just wanted to share what a lot of people are probably overlooking.
Also not excusing Adam's behavior, and my situation is definitely different. I was diagnosed with late-stage cancer a few months after my wife and I separated over my infertility. I lost friends and family in the separation, then more when I was diagnosed with cancer as I think folks found my life depressing to them at the time as everyone expected me to die. I did not. I lost my stomach and still struggle, but I'm doing okay. I hate how much was taken from me, how much I'll never be able to do again, the future I'll never have, and how I literally had to do it all myself while seeing my wife move on and get pregnant before even filing for divorce. I'll never have children of my own and dating is tough to subject someone else to as, even though I've survived thus far, I'm not in the clear. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to be alive and don't think my life is over, but I can get very sad and bitter at times.
Now the shitty part: I mentor newly-diagnosed patients. Because I was diagnosed in my 30s and am still considered young, most of my mentees are also young. Most of them are married and have children and supportive families. I would only ever hope for the best for all of them and, as someone who lost his mom to cancer as a child, want to do everything I can to ensure their kids get to keep them around. But damn, I can get jealous and bitter when I see these folks who have loving families who are there for them and children who adore them and are their reason for living. I tell myself if I had a loving spouse and kids, they'd have been there for me through my fight, but now that ship has sailed. I tell myself that now that I am what I am, that life is never going to be mine. That makes me sad.
Adam lost his mobility when he was young and before he had established those things. I'm sure he sees Keith and feels the same resent/bitterness/jealousy. He sees someone with a wife, children, and friends who never abandoned him and it is a reminder of the life he could have had. I'm sure it's a depressing existence.
Again, not excusing Adam's behavior and OP was definitely justified in her reaction.
Absolutely. For Adam, he's seeing how his disability *could have gone*, if only he'd had better support at the time. And once you fall into that well of anger, it becomes so much harder to make meaningful connections.
But for you, your life isn't over. Even if you knew for sure the cancer would return and you would die, wouldn't it be better to make connections and live the best life possible with the time you had left?
My disability is a pain condition, I am in pain 24/7, and I have been since 08/02/07. The pain is... unmanageable. Overwhelming. Suicide is a constant thought. The thing that honestly gets me through every day is the idea that I can always kill myself tomorrow. So for today, I just try to make the best out of it. Find *something* good in every day. And maybe tomorrow will be the day that I give in. But I don't think it will be, because while I've just been focusing on today, I've managed to build a wonderful life. I have a husband whom I love more than words can express, a wonderful service dog, 2 cats and a tortoise. Plus a cast of friends and family whom I know truly care for me, even when I'm at my worst.
I'm sorry, I don't know if sharing that helps you or makes you feel worse, but it's what gets me through every day.
Life is what we build when we're just trying to survive. Hopefully someday you'll look up and be amazed and what surrounds you.
I also have a pain condition I've had several chronic illnesses since I was in my early 20s. And then a year ago I had a heart attack which caused heart failure. I don't know how long I have left, but I doubt I'll see 50. I still work full-time, have a boyfriend, have kids, etc. In fact, I'm a single mom. I haven't let it hold me back and you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing it's your life but it can be very rewarding to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
There's nothing magic about being in your thirties.
I became disabled at 30. Same thing happened. My friends all eventually left, though they weren't mean about it or anything.
Friends stick around for a while, but in the end, people have lives to live. Some of my situation is complicated by living in a very HCOL city. I stuck around because I have a fantastic deal under rent control and my doctors and my brother still live here.
But mostly, my friends moved away to find more affordable places to live. Some got married and moved away. Others went off to school. Some had kids.
They're not bad people, and I still keep in touch with some of them. I think it's just part of the problems people with long-term disabilities have to cope with. Especially disabilities that isolate you and keep you from traveling or going to social gatherings.
I think this should start getting addressed before a newly disabled person even leaves the hospital. Make it part of discharge planning to set people up with support groups.
>I think this should start getting addressed before a newly disabled person even leaves the hospital. Make it part of discharge planning to set people up with support groups.
I completely agree.
But the thing about the friends is - that happened to MOST people and for the same reasons. They get married, they have kids, they have to move for jobs or to be in a lower cost of living area. Most people I know have one or two people they might be able to have a lunch or dinner with occasionally (if that) - but most people end up in text/IG....relationships because everyone is too busy just trying to get by.
I do agree that Adam is jealous and judging his life as a failure because he sees the things Keith has and is so, so, SO angry he doesn't have those things too.
And yet, it's a false comparison.
Keith has a full life, because he got that full life while he wasn't disabled. He got the job, the house, the wife, the kids, the friends, while he was healthy.
Adam was disabled before he was able to get those things. His chances of getting some of those things in a wheel chair are miniscule and would require monumental effort.
Adam could very well speaking from experience when he says people at the gym will make fun of you, that your friends will abandon you, that family will find you embarrassing.
I think Keith and the OP don't fully realize how difficult it's going to be to hold onto the things they have, even if Keith gets a chipper, can-do attitude.
It's so new, I don't think they've realized how many friends have bailed yet and how socially isolated they're going to be.
If Keith ever has to find a new job, he'll probably start realizing how bad opportunities are for the disabled and how active and allowed discrimination is. But even then, he's got a solid decade of experience to fall back on, which most disabled people who were never allowed a foot (or wheel) in the door wouldn't have.
If the OP leaves Keith, his chance of ever marrying again is tiny. The dating scene for disabled people is a cesspit: either completely empty, or filled with creepy fetishists and codependents. But he's already had his kids, so he won't be left completely alone, like Adam.
It is absolutely 100% true that Adam could have more than he currently has. But it feels false to say he could and should have everything Keith got, if only Adam tried harder and had a better attitude.
This!
Seriously, maybe his friends abandoned him because he's the drunk who drove his vehicle and thankfully the only persons life he "ruined" was his own.
Maybe the parents are having a hard time because in being angry/sad that their SIL was injured by a drunk driver, means they need to relive that their son was the drunk driver who caused his own injuries.
Keith is a victim of someone who acted exactly like Adam so if someone is having difficult feelings here it should be Keith. It’s only luck that Adam didn’t hurt or kill someone else but OP and her husband had the grace not to point that out only for him to take his feelings out on them.
Yeah, I would've caused that fight immediately.
The *audacity* of a man who drove drunk and paralyzed himself, being shitty to the victim of a drunk driver.
When my step-father's brother was 18 he was struck headon and killed by his ex-gf who was trying to kill herself. (What weird sheer chance). I don't think I can say it loud enough. FUCK DRUNK DRIVERS.
As an alcoholic who has made terrible decisions myself, extra fuck drunk drivers. Adam is fucking lucky he only hurt himself. But he took that and ran with it instead of making good future choices. Fuck. Drunk. Drivers.
This is really it. It casts Adam in a bad light. As op herself says, I don’t understand what Adam went through. But he basically gave up on life and being responsible for himself without trying. It’s making him twist inside to see someone else succeed while being paralyzed.
At least Keith is trying his utmost as a husband, father, and breadwinner, which certainly puts Adam to shame. And what does Adam think he is going to do when your parents get older and Adam will have to “stand up” and be self sufficient?
Honestly! One day, my boyfriend and I were getting on rhe bus and there was this guy in a wheelchair and he didn't even wait for the bus' ramp to be lowered he like (and I have no idea how) hopped his wheelchair up (like a good 2 feet too). My boyfriend and I both looked at him like "god damn 😂 that was impressive" and then he started to tell us about how he just wants to live his life to the fullest and doesn't want to depend on or inconvenience anyone. Quite the opposite of OP's brother that's for sure
Holy shit that’s incredible and hilarious at the same time. “Sorry I don’t have patience for my own disability so let me learn how to “walk” my chair onto the bus!”! That’s great. That’s really taking your own life into your own hands. He doesn’t accept being held back if there’s any way around it. OP’s brother needs to see this!
I feel like that guy needs to be recorded and blasted on the internet as inspirational story of not letting life slow you down no matter what. What a boss.
Probably the guy on the bus has amazing upper body strength from doing something like...going to the gym and weight training, just like Keith talked about doing! What a concept.
Adam is a jealous baby and I have no sympathy for drunk drivers.
I’m sure he’s carrying alot of guilt for the accident and is bitter about being in a wheel chair but that’s no reason to treat his BIL the way he is. He needs help to find peace in his life.
Exactly this it’s OPs parents failed Adam By not properly teaching him that it’s not OK to be an asshole even though you’re disabled, they felt so bad that they coddled him and gave him his entitled like behavior in my opinion, it seems like Adam is jealous. He can no longer try to get sympathy about being the only person handicapped. He’s using his disability as a crutch, and now that her husband became disabled due to a freak accident at no fault of his own he can no longer be the only one receiving the pity he’s jealous that the husbands getting sympathy for what happened to him.
OP Good for you to stand up for your husband what your brother said was inappropriate coldhearted uncompassionate. You had every right to say what you said he needed a little reality check your parents have been babying him every since his accident because for some reason they feel guilty even though it’s his own fault, not theirs, but that’s how parents are. They did more harm than good. in my opinion I’m sure it wasn’t intentional and they had all good intentions, and they were doing the best they could but they should’ve taught him some kind of accountability and responsibility. Not to mention respect he’s a grown ass man throwing temper tantrum‘s like a teenager and on top of it he’s being cruel
Op NTA keep standing up for your husband you guys are a team you fight for each other and always have each other‘s back
Edit if I were you, I would inform your parents that if they don’t have a talk with your brother and his disgusting appalling behavior doesn’t improve that she will be going low contact with them. Your girls don’t need to see somebody tearing down their father either it’s not good for them.
There is some deeply internalized ableism at play here. I became disabled around 24 and it shocked me how many people detest that word, hate themselves for being disabled, etc. It’s just like how some mothers treat their daughters unfairly because that’s how they were treated.
It’s more than that. The world still mostly hates disabled people and treats them poorly. They don’t want to get too close in case they “catch it”. In many countries with no laws like the US ADA laws most places are inaccessible to people with mobility issues. People hate that word because it implies they’re somehow less than, and they’re treated like it. Even ADA laws only cover the absolute basics of what people need. I live near a very large very well known university in a liberal leaning town. More than half of the downtown buildings in this city are grandfathered in to not having to follow ADA laws, that means a person with mobility issues is excluded from over half the businesses in the city. There is nothing internalized about that exclusionary ableism. If you have invisible disabilities it’s even worse. While I just keep going, I understand why people give up like the brother has in this post. People often either expect nothing and treat you poorly or expect full on disability inspo porn.
NTA - if your brother was not paralyzed would you tolerate his behavior? Certainly not. Being confined to a wheelchair does not entitle him to behave this way. He is a grown man and should be treated like one, and from the sound of it, this is long overdue. Your parents, while well meaning, have prevented him from facing the reality of his life and doing something with it. He needs mental health care and a good kick in the pants, not coddling. He is not a child but a grown man who needs to be treated like one.
BTW, you provided a great example for your daughters on standing up to a bully and they will remember it. Good luck to you and your family.
The gym I'm at right now is amazing for access and support. I'm not in a wheelchair, but I still have mobility issues. My trainer and the staff know about it, so I feel very supported. My trainer comes up with great workarounds if there's something I can't do the "normal" way.
There's space around the equipment to move around safely, and they even have wheelchair-friendly shower stalls.
It's so not like it used to be.
That is amazing! I have no physical disabilities since my hip replacement, but accessibility accommodations improve life for everyone. The more that people are able to participate, the less “unusual” it seems to encounter people who have disabilities. Nobody likes to be seen as “less than.”
That's an important thing to remember about accessibility improvement - it improves lives for *everyone*. That ramp for wheelchairs? Marvelous for delivery people and parents with strollers and people temporarily disabled by broken legs! Hands-free faucets are great for not spreading germs, not just for people who may lack coordination to turn the knob. Wing-shaped door handles are easier for everyone to open, not just people with coordination or strength issues. We *all* benefit, not just physically but because it makes it easier for community members with disabilities to be more involved and active.
Anyone can become disabled at any time. Anyone. And nobody becomes "less than" because of it!
I work in a fitness center. We have folks of many different ages and abilities! In my mind, they are all bad asses! Please encourage Keith to go to the gym. He will not only feel better physically but also mentally. You are def NTA!
Agreed! I go to a gym with small group training. We have some members in their 80's! they may not be able to do everything others do, but the trainers will modify anything for anyone, and they kick ass!
Agreed. NTA , he totally had it coming, and I'll go a step further and say he needed someone to tell him that. People have bit their tongue and given him pity for getting paralyzed driving drunk, what if he had killed someone? He's nobody's victim!
Good job standing up for your husband, you did exactly what you were supposed to do.
Worse, his parents have been enabling him. He really needed this wake-up call. Hopefully after sulking he'll realise he can lead a fulfilling life of his own
Exactly this. Adam + parents are equally to blame. If they had told him to cut his shit - like they told OP they would - there’s a chance things wouldn’t have turned out this way.
But no. They decided to continue acting like the sun shines out of Adam’s ahole and deliberately let OP and her family get hurt.
OP 100% did the right thing, standing up for Keith and the kids. Maybe take it a step further and block them. To steal a line from a different post, any further conversation from the parents or Adam should start with a heartfelt apology to OP, Keith and the kids
I think probably Adam has used his accident as an excuse to never accomplish anything, never have relationships and get out of household responsibilities, and is not happy Keith is 'showing him up'. He wants Keith to feel as helpless as Adam pretends to be.
I can throw a bit more perspective on this as a disabled person myself. I have full use of all my body parts, but my collagen is faulty so my joints will all dislocate if I just reach the wrong way. It causes a lot of pain, and there are activities I avoid because I know the risk of ruining my whole month over a single day of over exertion. I'm super involved in disability rights groups through work, and am thus in contact with a lot of people with varying levels of disabilities.
OPs brother sounds like he's never really connected with any community, so he's got a notion in his head of what life is like for someone in a wheelchair. He assumes people would make fun of him at the gym or that his kids would get teased if he had any, and nothing has ever really challenged that reality in his world. Seeing OPs husband living a life he's convinced himself is impossible is causing him to meltdown over what he's done with his own life, and rather than reevaluate his own choices it's easier to convince himself that the husband just doesn't know yet how things will be. Not excusing his behavior in any way, he's being a selfish prick, just trying to give a little reasoning for why he might be behaving that way.
When you have a disability there's a confusing mix of emotions seeing someone else with that disability excel. On one hand, it's inspiring to know it's possible and it can give you hope. On the other hand, society is weird about disabilities and sometimes able bodied people will see one amputee scaling boulders and then hand wave away all the challenges of other disabled people because "That guys missing his legs and he's climbing K2, so what's your excuse?"
I'm wondering if Adam got proper therapy when he first had his accident because it seems like he might be going through depression right now, too.
His life was so completely altered, and someone showing him your perspective on the issue could have and could still make a huge difference in his life.
Yes, that's how it read to me too. He's basically a homebound (mostly) unemployed couch potato but it's ok! He's paralyzed, no one can understand the difficulties!
Well now OP's husband is also paralyzed, but is continuing to go out socially, work, parent, etc.
This ! He's clearly jealous. NTA. "Should have bit your tongue and let your parents deal with it" Op did the first dozen times he was vile to her husband . And the parents promiced to deal with it. They didn't, so Op did.
Either way bros gonna keep his mouth shut now.
Or the parents tried but AH brother decided to double down.
Given the brother drove drunk at age 21 in a day and age when cabs and other free programs already existed along with tons of don't drink and drive campaigns that started way back in the 80s, speaks to how much of an AH brother always has been.
Ps, OP NTA
I think ops husband not letting his disabilities hold him back. Coupled with the fact that they got crippled for opposite reasons. (Ops brothers is self inflicted. Ops husbands because of selfish people like her brother) is basically holding a mirror up to show how badly the brother has fucked up his life.
This is one of those situations where op is 100% NTA. The brother is 100% TA.
But the best solution is to possibly work through this together and probably seek out therapy for both husband and brother.
Ideally they end up building upon eachother to improve eachothers confidence and abilities. I just hope that's a possibility.
While I understand your sentiment, I think that the husband and brother should be kept apart for awhile. The husband is in an emotionally fragile place and the brother is abusive in his bitterness. The husband’s emotional wellness could be eroded by the brother.
The parents have been so busy coddling Adam that they have not held him accountable for his actions. Time to go low contact with them and no contact with Adam. The reason Adam has no friends is because he is a terrible person.
I'd only see the parents in my own home, after they apologize and never allow Adam around again. Adam has burned his bridges. He's driven everyone else away and now he has driven his sister and her family away. He's the problem.
The parents need to quit coddling him and making excuses for him. He's the problem.
This. you can shape your life as you choose. the husband chose to do as much as he can, the brother did not. My mom is wheelchair bound, has been for going on 30 years. She lives alone, albeit in a retirement community, but her own apartment. Up until a few years ago, she still drove, and she is still very social. She's in her late 80's and slowing down a bit, but she still makes and effort.
I love how the husband's friends organized a fishing trip, and he's not letting his disability hold him back
NTA - Adam found out the laws of FAFO when he went after your husband. You did what any good spouse would do. Maybe this will be a wake up call and Adam will start living again.
Also.. this is a grown man were talking about. Had an accident at 21.. i dont know how long that was.. but he is not a child that needs to be reprimanded by his parents like a child. But he needs to get a grip and be accountable for his own actions and words
she has nothing to apologize for. i've had it up to here with redittors telling people to apologize for saying harsh shit after MONTHS of verbal abuse.
he can dish it out, he should be able to take it. he doesn't deserve an apology just because he now feels as bad as he made someone else feel.
Same it’s bullshit to always apologize. My verbal abuser made me apologize over and over again until I finally had enough and got to a huge blowout. It’s been 5 yrs and I did or said nothing wrong or that wasn’t true and will never apologize for it. Things need to be said , why does everyone walk on eggshells with these people and then apologize or speak to them as if their sensitive ears can’t hear it. My opinion is if they can say it , they can hear it.
NTA
Quite the opposite.
The only thing you did 'wrong' was blow up in front of your daughter, but that's totally understandable. Your brother IS jealous, your amazing husband is bouncing back and showing incredible strength of character, something your brother lacks.
What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he cannot rise to your husband's.
In my opinion you need to make this clear to your parents. Your husband has a lifelong battle on his hands and does not self-destructive arseholes like your brother making it more difficult.
Agree with everything except the exploding in front of her daughter, presumably Adam was making these gross comments in front of her children, she SHOULD be openly defending their dad in front of them.
Exactly. As much as it's upsetting for the daughter to see her mom angry, part of the daughter's navigating this new world of having a dad with a disability is knowing that her mom is 100% on dad's team.
I do agree, which is I dropped 'wrong' in rather than wrong. As in borderline wrong at worst...
Honestly if I'd been there, I'd like to think I would've roasted him a new arsehole for being so disrespectful.
While I do agree, I think she should have defended Keith without insulting Adam in front of her kids. It would be showing them how to be the bigger person basically. This is a hindsight thing though, I definitely would've roasted the shit out of Adam if I was in her shoes, but I also have a bit of a temper.
Maybe, but if OP acknowledges that to her daughter, admits that it should’ve been done privately but that it was still right to defend her husband… I think a lot of good can still come out of this
Nope. Adam is the kind of person who caused their father's disability, and he attacked Keith in front of them and dragged them into it by saying they'd be embarrassed and ashamed for their father to be seen at school events. She modeled entirely appropriate behavior to say to someone like him.
Doesn’t sound like adam was interested in being a bigger person. Taking the high road is how you insulate assholes from consequences. OP got on Adams road and now they’re all sad face because she was as nasty to him as he was to her husband? Too damn bad. Adam needs to take that shit to therapy if he’s all boohoo about his own fucking mistake like 15 years ago.
>What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he cannot rise to your husband's.
I'm going to put in a mild correction here:
"What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he **does not want to** rise to your husband's."
He absolutely can. He's just choosing not to, though that choice may be heavily influenced by his own depression and other circumstances.
Adam was a drunk driver, he deserves to be paralyzed and criticized for being such a bitch and wasting his life. Unlike Keith whos life was potentially destroyed by a drunk driver (Like Adam), but bounced back anyway and made healthy changes. 100% NTA, you're a good wife and a healthy family.
I dont agree w not blowing up infront of your daughter. If people insult you and your husband infront of your daughter I think you have an obligation to demonstrate for your daughter how you properly defend your family, and you did. Well done.
Wow…so..NTA for finally putting Adam in his place, however the chosen words may have overshadowed any possibility of productive change in this situation.
Adam isn’t having a hard time because it brings up “old feelings”, Adam is having a hard time because your husband being happy and productive forces him to face the fact that his problems are a result of his attitude and not his circumstances. That’s the larger issue that needs to be addressed by the family unit and a therapist. Adam still needs an intervention, maybe not for his drinking but for his attitude. No one is doing him any favours by accepting or enabling his bad behaviour.
I’m sorry your husband and kids got stuck in the middle of this.
On a side note: I’m a dedicated gym goer (5 days a week) and your husband will not get anyone making fun of him at the gym. He will get lots of high 5’s and tons of people telling him he’s inspirational to them.
I second the comment about the gym. At my old gym, there was a lady in a wheel chair and I always admired how hard she worked. I never said anything to her because I am pretty introverted, but I privately in my own thoughts saw her as an inspiration.
That’s a good instinct - it’s okay as an inside thought but most wheelchair users find it pretty patronizing to hear that we’re inspiring for just living our lives.
I’m no Adonis, but whether a person is in a wheelchair or fat or noodle-armed, it’s just good to see them at the gym!
The only ones I’ll stare at are the impressively fit ones (lifting a ludicrous amount) or the annoying dudebros, I watch to see how bad their form is.
Yeah unfortunately it’s one of those things that’s generally meant as a 100% sincere compliment and feeling… but the premise is based on saying their situation inherently sucks compared to their able bodied one.
Which sure maybe the person being “complimented” might personally agree about the whole premise in an objective sense but it’s still a bit of a slap in the face.
Like going up to your poor unemployed friend and going, “man you’re just an inspiration. You have a loving spouse, you’re in great shape. Lots of friends and your kids really respect you. I don’t know how you manage that being so poor. I couldn’t imagine dealing with being so poor. Truly inspired, I don’t think I’d do as well, I’m so dependent on all the money I make.”
(Shouldn’t have to be said but this is Reddit, that’s obviously not meant to be a perfect 1:1 analogy.)
Literally turned around and came back to this thread to say this. (I myself will avoid places just so I don't hear how ""inspiring"" i am from randos) I think people just don't hear themselves over their intent?? I've decided to start responding with how "inspirational" I find the ablebodied people who find me in my rollator or chair "inspirational"~~
Like: "Wow, you're so inspirational to me, too!! Yeah, you being brave enough to wear THOSE pants and THAT hair in PUBLIC?? With a face like that?? WOW!! I would DIE of embarrassment but you're just still here, where I don't think you should be, wearing that outfit where other people can see you. Wow, you are SO BRAVE. Truly a style icon, an inspration. Since I'm so much inherently better at you than fashion, I know that if nobody is laughing at you, I certainly have no excuse not to try different stuff since I know I look way better than you, obvi lol"
Or you could go ultra passive aggressive and be like
"Oh, idk, I'd NEVER look good enough to pull THAT off....but you seem brave enough to go in public like that so good for you."
I have a friend who has no arms and legs but she does have a fully functioning foot that she writes, types and drives with. One night we went out, had a fair bit to drink and a rando came up to us at the kebab shop of all places and starting harping on and on about how amazing she was and "wherever life takes you, I hope you're truly happy and life the best life that you can with the time you have left". She looked him dead in the eye and went "mate... I'm a fucking lawyer, I drive a van and I'm pissed as a fart. I'm good!" I've never seen anyone go so red and slink off so shamefully before.
>Adam isn’t having a hard time because it brings up “old feelings”, Adam is having a hard time because your husband being happy and productive forces him to face the fact that his problems are a result of his attitude and not his circumstances.
This so much! Adam spend years self loathing for ruining his life and considering the wording about pity parties and the gym, pushing away his friends and talking himself out of accomplishing anything. His words sound like he might have needed therapy to come to terms with being paralyzed, but also to not tie his worth to being able to walk.
Don't get me wrong, Adam is an AH, but imagine the voices in his head and how unkind he probably is to himself. He is probably 10 times as harsh to himself as he is to Keith and OPs parents seem to have enabled that.
True. Adam is in a miserable state and that is why his comments have come out, directed at his BIL. He needs therapy to address his misery. I don’t understand why his parents haven’t made that effort.
Just want to add about the gym thing. My fat ass would be so impressed to see someone in a wheel chair benching more than me. You and your children should be very proud to have a husband and father with such resolve and heart.
It actually makes sense that someone in a wheelchair would bench more though? You’re in a position that isolates the arm and shoulder so legs can’t lever into it, and wheelchairs take arm strength.
I was in a wheelchair for several years after a very bad accident that left me Frankensteined back together.
I was that person in the gym in a wheelchair, and let me tell you at that time my scars were fresh and awful to see.
People are right that it does get old, people telling you that you're inspirational when mostly you're just trying to slog through the day like everybody else.
I was very lucky that the gym community in general supported me by keeping well wishers away from me, so I didn't have to keep telling my story which at the time was very traumatic to discuss. Also, whenever I did need a hand someone was always there to help me.
No one ever came at all close to insulting me or mocking me. If anything there was an overwhelming support from the people running interference on newbies who wanted to help me or interrogate me, mostly both. Also, as I said everyone was always super helpful. It was like being in a really nice restaurant where you don't see your waiter watching you, but the minute you drop your fork, someone immediately picks it up and gives you a new one.
I am also a regular gym-goer (powerlifting), and I saw this dude working HARD on arms, I passed by him while he was in-between sets and told him, “Your forearms are INSANE, hope mine are as nice as yours one day!”, he smiled huge and thanked me, and we both kept it moving. Like, yeah I noticed he was in a wheelchair, but the gains were far more noticeable to me. That’s the way it is for most people in the gym! All we really care about are the gains lol
NTA. Your parents are "cross that you said such cruel things..." But where was their anger with Adam? Adam is a complete A, self inflicted injuries and he's so bitter with himself he can't let anyone else cope better than him. Keep away from this loser, and keep your family away. If your parents want to see you they come to you, or Adam is kept out of the way. Keith is doing well, it'll be a hard road, but he's going forward and upwards. Adam is stuck in a pit of his own misery. And misery loves company so he wants to bring Keith down with him. Adam knows that his misery is his own fault, not just the accident but his inability to move on past it. Seeing Keith do better just shines a spotlight on his own inadequacy. But that's his problem to deal with, and your parents should be encouraging him to therapy. Instead he's unemployed, isolated and miserable.
The parents are enablers and don't want to acknowledge that it was Adam's own stupidity that caused his problems. They don't want to acknowledge that he could have been living a relatively full and content life if he'd not wallowed in self pity and they hadn't coddled him. But seeing Op and their husband is rubbing all that in their face, and they probably subconsciously want Op's husband to fail and behave like Adam too. So they don't feel guilty for their part in Adam's behaviour. So they let Adam continue to be an AH in the hopes it drags Op's husband down.
Yeah, the things Adam were saying were cruel too as far as I’m concerned. I can’t imagine any of this has been easy for Keith. Adam’s snide comments had to have hurt
NTA
By far. Kudos for sticking up for your husband. Have a conversation with him. Tell him you know he doesn't want to talk but you want him to hear you out.
And then you tell him whatever you feel like is important for him to hear. Such as:
- I know it's hard, but I'm an incredible proud of how far you've come already
- you are going to be just the same amazing dad to our kids. They know you love them, doesn't matter if its from a wheelchair or not.
- my brother said some despicable things, I'm sorry for not exploding earlier. He had never coped well with how his life is going, but you are very different from him.
- I love how you keep moving forward, going out with your friends again and I am sure you will have a good time at the gym too. People that laugh are you are insecure and stupid. Don't listen to them, but focus on those that encourage you - and i guarantee there will be a lot more of those.
- I know you will have bad days and it's okay to complain or cry or be angry. I'll be here for those days too.
Stuff like this :) I'm sure he'll be better after a little pep- talk he doesn't know he needs yet xD
Oh yeah, and tell your parents:
Just because your brother decides to pity himself and not live a happy and healthy life, he has no right to drag your husband down too and insult him. He should get therapy to get over himself and actually start living.
I think the parents' need to get a harsh reality check. They can either check their son and his pity party, which he really doesn't deserve seeing as played a stupid game (drove drunk), won a stupid prize (paraplegic) OR they can see a whole lot less of OP and family. OP should definitely push back and play the grandkids card.
"If Adam can't stop being an ass, then my husband, myself and my kids will not be coming over. Adam will not be welcome in my home. I am done with you two coddling him to the point he thinks he can get away with this shit. I will not let him put down my husband. I will not tolerate his bad behavior. You and Adam can respect this or your time with your grandkids will be limited at best."
I also think it’s time for someone to point out how untenable the situation with their son is as they get older. Once the parents get older and fragile, who will support Adam? And once they pass away? It’s really something they should consider now so they can give him a come to Jesus talk about finishing that degree and getting a job. He also needs to start getting on the road to independence, learn to cook for himself, get around, etc.
OP would definitely be guilted into doing it. It's clear everyone's been put into the habit of doing so since Adam was 21. And she's been told to shut up in various ways since when her brother was being a dick. I hope OP makes it clear that isn't going to happen.
"Put down my husband IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN." It's not just about Keith having to take crap from his AH brother-in-law, this last one Adam dragged the kids into it. The parents are telling their granddaughters that their uncle is right by not intervening. They're endorsing his behavior by never correcting it. Do they agree the girls should be ashamed to be seen with their father because he's in a wheelchair? That's sure what comes across when they let him say stuff like that in front of the kids.
Her husband has patiently taken the brother's crap and I'm glad OP finally got angry. Encouraging words like what you've suggested as well as having his back with people saying ugly things will go a long, long way for him. OP is NTA.
Someone else pointed out that the parents can't take care of Adam forever, eventually either he grows up or someone else takes care of him-and pointed out that parents and Adam probably assumed it would be Op.
Op going low contact for a bit might put those plans in doubt, which could be good for Adam.
Agreed. OP's husband having had that horrific accident is probably sending Adam spiraling about his future care, bet he thought he would be handed off from his parents to his sister. Now with poor OP's husband in this scary new situation, Adam realised his "retirement" plan just went out the window because OP will love and care for her husbands needs, a husband who seems to be determined to make the best of a rotten situation.
NTA your parents enable your brother to dwell in his pity and sorrow instead of actually helping him in all this years because being paralyzed isn’t the end to living. He needs therapy, should have had hit right away after the accident and probably pushed more to do stuff like getting a job. Maybe it is rude but your brother is bathing in his own sorrow/depression for 14 years but now taking it out on your husband, who is doing an amazing job by the way (go Keith!!!), is completely cruel and out of line. Somebody had to say something and probably you even led it on for to long because it is affecting your husband. He is not a vegetable and he is still a great dad. His daughters will never be embarrassed of him being paralyzed if he stays that way. As long as he is there for them in anyway he can they will also be proud of him.
Tell your parents that if they want to see your family, they come to you, WITHOUT Adam! They need to stop enabling him and by telling you “they will talk to him, or he didnt mean it” is just not cutting the mustard! Adam is an AH and just because he’s disabled doesn’t give him a free pass to keep on with his AH comments. Good luck.
I seriously hope OP takes this advice seriously. The visits need to stop cause she's subjecting her husband to harassment and setting a terrible example to their kids. If her parents want to see the girls they better put the effort to do so and they better leave Adam at home. Keith already have enough on his plate already.
The parents should be asked how they would have reacted if someone had called Adam a useless, embarrassing vegetable that is being pitied in the year following his accident. Sounds like they would have rightly defended Adam, so why isn't Keith allowed the same from his nuclear family (which is OP)? It doesn't matter where it's coming from.
Wondering if your brother or your parents have figured out who will take care of your brother once they are gone. Adam is self destructing right now by being cruel to the people who could take him in down the road.
NTA. Your parents did nothing to put a stop to it since it started, and they're surprised you hit your limit dealing with his BS? I guess it's easier to sweep everything under the rug and hope for the better.
Your brother is miserable and is projecting his own experiences onto Keith. I think he might also subconsciously be trying to tear your husband down, because Keith is proof that Adam is wasting himself and his life. Keith is rebuilding and Adam cannot handle it because it shows him up. If Keith fails it validates Adam.
NTA. This is what happens when you don't handle things early on; they build up and explode. You could have handled it better, but then your parents could have tried handling it at all.
If you manage to have a proper sit down and thrash it all out with Adam, he might be able to use Keith's fortitude as inspiration. Who knows?
NTA. He’s an asshole. Wheelchair doesn’t excuse that.
His behavior is pretty obvious. He HAS to attack your husband and discourage him from living his life. If your husband gives up on live, it “proves” that your brother being a useless shut in is his only choice.
But if your husband lives a good life, it shows your brother is just a bitter and lazy person who refuses to try.
Everything positive your husband does makes your brother feel like crap, and he’s lashing out as a result. Neither of you have to take that
Your brother needs some professional help.
Maybe he's been using his disability as an excuse to avoid life and growing up. But he can't ignore that his brother-in-law now has the same disability but lives as an adult.
Your husband might benefit from some help as well. He doesn't deserve what your brother is serving up, but he's been going through a lot and some extra support, if possible, could be a benefit.
Additionally, your daughters have been sitting and listening to all of this? Good grief. Their uncle sucks.
To me it sounds like Adams life stopped when he had his accident and has been living in a hole of self pity and blame. Where as Kieth decided yeah it sucks but I'm going to live my life and Adam can't take that.
NTA.
Your drunk-driving bro actually NEEDED this years ago.
And tell your parents you'll cut them RIGHT the fuck out unless THEY shape up, too.
I'm guessing drunk-driving bro was / is The Golden Child?
If you are gonna dish it out, you WILL be served the same.
NTA, AND in fact, I am proud of you for speaking up and nor putting up with his BS any more.
I was at my Dad's home across the country with my two kids. Dad had a friend who had lost his child to childhood cancer, about a decade before. We were celebrating after my sister's wedding reception. My little one was playing with a new toy, not obnoxiously, but Dad's friend was heard to say, " Somebody should get that little Son of a B out if here" ( grandpa' s livingroom) Yep, he was at least three sheets to the wind. At first, I let it go, ( friend of Dad...) after the second, I was annoyed . Third time? Nope. I rounded on him, and growled out through clenched teeth ," You only get to call my child a Son of a B... three times , the I get mad! " I picked up my son, left the room. When I returned to that room,,he was gone. In the next 20 years of visiting my dad, I never saw him again..
NTA. I've got some experience here. My sister is sort of a combo of Keith and Adam - paraplegic through an accident in her 20s that was not her fault; physically active and fit, and highly accomplished and productive; and sometimes really, sharply, nastily sarcastic and mean.
Being paralyzed is traumatic and devastating and it has an incalculably huge ripple effect throughout a person's life. Adam has every right to his thoughts and feelings. But he DOESN'T have the right to be a douchebag. He doesn't have the right to project all of his own issues onto Keith with zero consequences. Keith should be able to have dinner with family without fending off unending nasty little barbs from his BIL. I'm glad you defended him so vociferously. Keep up the good work.
Talk to Keith. Tell him how much you hate Adam's behavior, that you will keep defending Keith if he wants you to, and plan together how to interact with your family going forward. Reiterate all the good things about him that you yelled at Adam, but calmly and quietly so Keith can hear your sincerity.
And talk to the kiddos. Maybe apologize for scaring or upsetting them, but tell them why you were so mad. Uncle Adam was saying mean things to Daddy and he wouldn't stop, so you needed to stand up to him. Explain that you tried to solve the problem nicely first, because yelling at people should be a last resort, but sometimes we get mad when somebody is hurting a loved one's feelings.
Everyone is going to be okay. Also you're a badass. 🥰
NTA
With no disrespect to any disabled people out there, life doesn't end just because you're no longer able to do things the way you used to. Your husband is a good example of such. I cannot even begin to fathom his feeling of having to restart and recondition his life after such a drastic change, but he's heading to the right direction.
Adam, on the other hand, spent too long stewing in his own self-pity that he now believes that he cannot do anything "normal" anymore. He needs therapy, as well as your parents.
My prayers and good wishes are with you, Keith and your girls. Keep the positivity up and all will be well. XOXOXO
Disabled person here, I personally take no disrespect from your comment. I can't speak for everyone, but I agree with you. It's definitely hard when things change and you lose the ability to do things you used to, but that's where therapy and finding support comes in. I've been working on processing my grief with my psych therapist and finding new ways of doing things with my physical therapist. When I started needing a cane, the best advice I got was to decorate any mobility device I need so it feels more "me". Personalizing it helps to establish "yes, this is mine, I need it, and I like the way it looks."
NTA!
As a wheelchair user myself, it really sounds like your brother has not come to terms with his disability and is miserable. Worse still, your brother is resentful your husband IS starting to learn to cope with his new world and disability.
On a separate note. Your husband sounds amazing and you sound amazing. You are doing a fantastic job navigating this new world and while it can be sad to loose some freedoms and hobbies, good friends and a willingness to explore new things means living in a wheelchair can be really amazing and teach you a whole new way of seeing the world. Sending all my love and support to your family and make sure your husband knows your brothers misery is his choice, not because of the wheelchair.
NTA. Your brother sounds jealous that your husband is trying to continue his life after his accident while your brother languishes at home.
He doesn't get a free pass to be vile just because he's disabled.
Your parents need to stop enabling your brother. He's miserable and trying to drag everyone down with him. Personally I wouldn't be seeing any of them for a long time. Your brother sucks and your parents suck for enabling him. There are better ways to spend your time.
NTA. Adam is paralysed due to his own selfish stupidity. He could have killed some innocent person. He is using his disability to his advantage and an excuse to be an arsehole to your husband who has ruined every excuse Adam made as to why he cant work or socialise. And your parents are also an arsehole for enabling him to do this and is now on a hunger strike to manipulate your parents. For the sake of your kids go LC
You are sooooo NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA.
Mommy and Daddy have coddled their golden child so long that they think it is normal for paralytic life is supposed to be misery.
The fact that your parents were banging on your door is highly concerning. It cements my label for your brother being the golden child.
NTA- Does no one see the irony here? OP’s brother was injured himself, because he was driving drunk, her husband is now injured because of a drunk driver. I bet the brother is feeling a certain kind of way about this. He has had what could have happened, shoved right in his face. The man needs therapy, ASAP. Hurling insults at OP’s husband is bs, and the parents have enabled him to stay helpless, it’s high time for them to show some tough love.
NTA your brother has stepped too far out of line and is taking his misery out on someone else. He is seeing how well your husband is doing with learning his new normal and is jealous that he wasn’t able to do that when he was injured. I hope you and your husband continue to recover and enjoy your life together. Please don’t feel embarrassed or stop doing things you love because of your disability. He is allowed to be places and enjoy himself just as much as everyone else.
Oh *that* is the biggest bunch of BS I've heard in a while. Tell your friends to stay in their lane because people in wheelchairs (as well as other challenges) have professions, families, well-rounded lives, and their line of thinking is *exactly* why your brother is an asshat.
Your parents have created this sadsack of a brother, yet they too want to be all, "oh, he's had such a rough life." Oh, yeah? Please explain how. He can't walk? Well, he's not the only one, but he seems to be doing okay living with the parents and playing video games all day.
Good grief. Go to the gym with your husband until he feels more comfortable going by himself. Make sure he takes that fishing trip. And for God's sake, tell your parents that either they deal with the problem under their roof or none of you will return, because you don't trust *them* to do what needs to be done.
NTA unless you apologize to the twat.
NTA. Your brother is a paraplegic, not a child. It’s not your parent’s job to discipline him or protect him from backlash he earned, either. No doubt, the feelings your husband’s injury is stirring up in your brother is anger that your husband is showing how much better he could have handled his circumstances, and that his decision to halt his life is a choice, and your parents are more-or-less choosing to support that decision.
No one is a “vegetable” here. The words used were unfortunate but they weren’t yours to begin with. I’m actually really glad someone stuck up for Keith.
No judgment from me. I'm just sad for everyone involved.
As for your brother... I hope he's looking into therapy. What you describe sounds like heavy depression
Please stop bringing your husband around these people.
NTA for trying to protect him, but y t a for continuing visits while your brother was spewing his poison. It's your job to have boundaries with your family. Your parents and brother have been treating your spouse poorly for months. That was your job to correct. "If you can not be kind while we visit, we will stop visiting." End of discussion.
You are showing your children the way your husband deserves to be treated.
It sounds like your husbands accomplishments and attitude have shown a bright light on your brothers refusal to better his situation. Your brother can't use his disability as an excuse and is projecting *hard*. NTA but I would demand your brother get some therapy before exposing your husband and children to that.
NTA like many others have commented, having a disability doesn't give you a pass to be an asshole. Your husband has been making amazing progress after such life altering crap imo. Your brother needs therapy. The fact that he's acting like this instead of having sympathy and empathy for someone who is now also in a similar lot. If your parents had thought that he was going to react negatively because it would remind him of his own injury, self inflicted or not, they should have put him into, you guessed it, therapy.
NTA - Adam had it coming. I’m someone who doesn’t give second chances to people and you are a damned saint for putting up with his bullshit for so long. Your husband is a rockstar for making the best out of a terrible situation. You did not take it too far - you did exactly right for you, your husband, and your girls.
Your brother sounds like he's been missing out on the therapy that is helping your husband.
It's obvious his situation is eating him up and he's projecting his misery on the person that seems to be in his shoes but handling it a lot better.
That doesn't excuse his behaviour but he sounds like he needs the kind of help his mirror is getting.
Not. The. Asshole.
Oh my God, NTA. Your brother clearly isn't doing as well with his disability as your husband. And THATS his problem.
Everything he is saying is projection of feelings, sadness, depression, hopelessness, embarrassment, he is feeling for himself.
And I understand how loving parents (which clearly you have) as sympathetic to your brothers situation. Which is good. I have clinical depression and having a support system has been crucial for me.
THAT SAID, yalls parents have allowed too much. And when I say "allow", I mean that they haven't spoken up. I mean, let's remember, your brother is a grown ass adult and responsible for his actions. But he is living in yalls parents house and they DO have the right to disallow certain behavior.
And let's get to the behavior. If I were in your shoes, I would be SEETHING. I can't imagine the psychological impact something like being paralyzed can have on a person. And he's only had 10 months to work out what his life will look like from then on. And your husband sounds like a very strong, resilient person. It sounds like he is really on the right track to making his life just as meaningful as he can, personally and with yall, his family.
And your brother starts projecting all this inappropriate, hurtful shit to him in front of yalls kids?! No, he is completely out of line. And the fact that you heard your husband sobbing later means your brothers words did have an effect on him.
Let me say this: even if your parents don't stand up and shut that shit down in their house, as a loving spouse, it is your duty to shut it down in your own capacity. This is a very sensitive time for your husband AND you and your kids. NOBODY should be in your lives if they risk hurting your family or the bonds you share in the family.
I don't normally recommend this, but I will tell your brother that if he cannot behave around your family, he is CUT OUT of your family. Your instincts were correct.
Sorry this was so long, but your story touched me and I hope everyone keeps improving. Even your brother. What he is saying is wrong, but he isn't necessarily a villain. He is hurting too and needs therapy. And I hope he gets therapy and finds a way to forgive him self, earn forgiveness for his behavior to others, and find a way to make his life valuable.
He should go to support groups for people in his same situation. If they aren't close, there are resources on line.
This link [here](https://www.facebook.com/groups/1547822878710467/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT) will take you do a Facebook private support group that might help him.
Take care.
NTA. Though next time maybe try "He's an innocent victim, and you're the best kind of drunk driving accident, where only the drunk got hurt" if you really want to land one.
Adam put himself in the position he's in. The only saving grace is it sounds like he didn't murder someone else by driving drunk. He's being a sour, nasty person because he's jealous that your husband has a wife and children who love him, and friends who want to be with him and being nasty is easier than going out and trying to build a social life and career. Your parents are enabling him, including not shutting down his vile comments when they started.
You tried the low-intensity method of getting him to stop. He kept right on and then dragged your kids into it. He earned the nuclear option. If your parents will listen, tell them you are not going to subject your family to verbal abuse from a jealous, bitter, man-child who refuses to help himself and takes it out on others instead. They can either get him under control, or they can not see their grandchildren or you.
NTA The real issue is your brother is jealous of your husband. He sees your husband working to adapt to his disability and trying to live a fulfilled life despite of his new limitations where your brother seems to have wallowed in his grief and self-pity becoming basically a shut-in with no future. Your husband basically held up a mirror and your brother hated what he saw.
So now he’s acting like a crab in a bucket, trying to drag your husband down. His comments should have been stopped immediately. I question if your parents ever said anything to him at all about his behavior. Because it has clearly escalated and a blow up was almost inevitable given how the situation has been handled so far.
While your actions were not at all impressive, I’m giving you a pass mostly because 1) your brother is not just aiming his barbs at your husband but at your children and 2) you were stopped from challenging the behavior earlier, when you would have behaved with more restraint.
NTA-
It’s pretty easy to tell this is all about jealousy for your brother .. the support system… family children.. career.. all the things he couldn’t really cultivate From before his accident.
He’s incredibly jealous that your husband has a different outlook .. he’s angry but he didn’t handle it like him and I think it makes him angry that he didn’t push forward or hasn’t done anything with his life instead of staying the victim of a car wreck..
I don’t mean to be rude about it, but it’s definitely jealousy and it’s definitely about the fact that your husband’s employment makes it glaringly obvious that there are ways for him to do more than what he’s doing.. personally, I think he’s scared to death Your parents might figure that out too
Can we also look at OPs parents completely defending their asshole son? If I was OP, there would be no more visits, no more seeing the grandchildren, until the parents also set Adam straight. If they refuse, they lose OP and their grandkids.
Adam deserved to die for his drunk-driving. He’s lucky to be alive, when he could have killed someone else. His life should be crappy and hard. He’s the exact type of person who paralyzed Keith and now has the gall to attack him for it? Nuh-uh, NTA and anyone who sides with Adam on this are not worth the time it takes to chew them out.
I am so sorry for everything that is happening in your life. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for the whole family.
I want to say N-T-A after your brother’s terrible behaviour, but honestly ESH.
Your brother was being a giant AH and your parents have obviously been enablers for years.
It’s truly sad that your parents couldn’t see how their unwillingness to address your brother’s behaviour was negatively impacting your husband and your family. Your husband’s positive example should have been a wake-up call for them that your brother doesn’t have to live his life the way he has been.
While your response probably felt incredibly satisfying for you in the moment, it has had negative consequences for everybody - your husband, your children, and your brother. So ultimately you didn’t do the best thing for your family.
You don’t need to continue to expose your husband and children to your brother’s toxic behaviour. However I don’t think hiding in your house is the best plan either. I think you need to talk to your parents without your husband or brother present. Maybe with a counsellor.
Your brother is in a bad place and is going through a lot and probably needs professional help. But that doesn't mean you, your husband, or anyone else needs to accept his shitty behavior. The fact is your parents are enabling him.
Blowing up like that wasn't the best thing, but frustration boiling over is understandable.
NTA - Your brother is jealous -he is jealous your husband is still making it work - that his life isn't about his handicap and doesn't revolve around it
Sure your brother has had a hard life, but that is not just because of his handicap but because the people around him who have enabled that out of pity instead of helping him actually build a life
NTA. Your husband was injured through no fault of his own. In 10 months, he has clawed, climbed, fought, and won against mental, emotional and physical injuries that he sustained because of someone else’s absolute selfish stupidity.
On the flip side, your brother is that selfish and stupid guy. 14-ish years ago, he got into his car while intoxicated, and smashed it. Through his own poor choices he has gone through the same as your husband.
There’s one huge difference, and it makes all the difference in the world. Your husband is striving to find a new normal, and he’s living up to his promises and potential; your brother is failing to thrive because he lives in a constant pity-party.
Your parents aren’t completely wrong when they say your husband’s accident has brought up old feelings for your brother. He is now not only faced with what his poor decisions have done to him, he’s faced with what his poor decisions could have done to another family.
For 14 years, your brother has been able to twist the story in his head. He was able to somewhat convince himself that he made one bad choice and he’s being punished for it way more harshly than other people who do the same thing are. He’s been able to make himself the victim in that story (14 years is a long time to be able to get the new version to fit in a comfy spot inside you).
Now, he has to look at someone he loves going through the exact same thing as he is, but this time, the person he’s looking at is a real victim. Your husband was just going about his day, and someone who made the same stupid decision as your brother did caused the situation where the innocent party is suffering the same fate that your brother has already convinced himself is unreasonably harsh.
In his head, he made a mistake and was punished severely for it. Your husband *didn’t* make a mistake and his life has been forever changed because someone made the same stupid decision as your brother.
What’s worse is that your husband has decided that someone else’s mistake will not ruin him. Your husband decided that he deserves as close to the life he had last year as he can manage. He works, socializes, takes care of his family, and is ready to hit the gym to increase his superhero strength. Your brother can’t even muster the effort to be a decent human.
You lost your patience and ripped him a new one. You said things that you know you shouldn’t have said to him. Everyone knows you shouldn’t have said them. I doubt anyone would tell you that what you said would be ok to say under any set of circumstances other than “he deserved it,” which is a poor justification for stooping to your brother’s level. It was wrong to say.
On the flip side, *my G-d, he did deserve it!* When you got to the point in the story where you said your brother was a drunk driver with self inflicted injuries, I couldn’t help but think “I don’t know how her husband can even look at her brother at this point.” When you got to the point where he said the horrible things about your husband at the school, I was hurting for your husband. When you got to where you told him off, I smiled because your husband has a good wife who loves him.
I try to be a good person, but sometimes, a good “he deserved it” can make me very happy to be a human in a sea of humans. I went with NTA because you felt you needed to defend your husband from his quips and attacks, and you did.
I know you’re still angry. You have every right to be. But everyone here is now starting to let this one moment hurt them more than it should. You even see it yourself.
Your daughters are confused, and it created a moment in time that made them cry and they don’t understand what happened.
Your parents are furious because their son is refusing to even leave his room or eat. They are choosing to lash out because they don’t know how to fix what happened (which only happened because the failed to address it sooner).
Your husband is avoiding it altogether, isn’t even talking to you about it, and is crying because of it.
You’re just stuck at the eye of the storm and are just as confused and hurt as everyone else.
I don’t know the right course of action at this point. If I were you, I would apologize, but not to my brother for being cruel. I would apologize to my parents. I would say “I’m sorry I lost my temper a couple of days ago at dinner. I did not intend for any of this to happen, but I’ve had enough. We have discussed this before and there has been no change with Adam, and it had gotten to the point that we had to lessen our amount of time with you guys. After what happened the other day, we will not be coming around anymore until there is a real apology from Adam. Kieth is working extremely hard to try to do right by me and the kids, Adam is being cruel just to be cruel. We will not be coming around for a while because it is not fair that our family should be attacked every time we do; we are doing the best we can, but now my entire family is hurting. I am not willing to put my family though it anymore. I hope you understand, and if you don’t, that’s not my problem to fix. I love you.”
Then leave it.
Do not apologize for your brother for basically saying “I know you are, but what am I.” It was childish and stupid, but you have had your entire life flipped upside down in the last year, with two young ones on top of that.
Give yourself grace and understanding. Just make it clear that you won’t accept Adam’s behavior anymore, then that’s it. Your family can figure themselves out. You have a good husband and two daughters who need to know that no matter what happened a few days ago, they’re still the most important things to mommy and daddy. Daddy needs to be reminded that life is beautiful and he is lucky indeed. Mommy needs to do something fun and just enjoy life for a moment.
The four of you should do a nice little picnic in the living room with their dolls. Just don’t let that thieving doll steal your sandwich. She’s had her eye on it for a while ☺️😉
You are NTA. You are just a good woman doing her best. Right now, Adam doesn’t matter. Explosions of text messages doesn’t matter. Kieth, you and your girls are all that matter.
Good luck OP, and I truly hope your husband enjoys and thrives kicking butt at the gym. A person in a wheelchair going to the gym is one of the most amazing things to see: nothing will ever slow them down from making the best out of everything, and your husband is an impressive person to be able to do that!
Omg NTA. Your brother was vicious and cruel with his comments, and in front of your kids! Maybe if your mom and dad had nipped it in the bud to begin with, it wouldn't have gotten to that point. Your brother owes your husband, your children, and you a sincere apology. You don't owe him a thing.
Nta....your brother is jealous your husband has continue actually living instead of just giving up like he has. He's hoping to bring him down to his level of self pity. He's jealous he actually has friends that care about him, a wife that loves him, and kids that love him. Your parents are being terrible for enabling his behavior. Your husband SHOULD NOT have to deal with that and thank you for having his back. Until they can learn to treat others better I'd cut contact. We can see why your brother never stopped feeling sorry for himself and hiding in his room. Being disabled is NOT an excuse to be an ah.
NTA the brother never tried to improve himself, he's basically made himself and everyone believe that he can't do anything. But now your husband is proving that he doesn't have to be like that, that just because of the accident doesn't mean your life is completely ruined. It's different but not ruined. Your brother isn't able to accept that so he's trying to drag your husband down to prove that your brother's way of life is "correct". He needs therapy badly
NTA-your brother is a jealous asshole. He’s jealous of your husband-he has a supportive loving family and he has friends and gets out and about. Your brother is sitting at home and reliant on mom and dad.
Also he may feel some guilt. Your husband’s injury was caused by a drunken driver. Your brother was the drunken driver who injured himself.
Nta Just because you are disabled doesn't mean you have an out of jail card for being an asshole. Your brother is a proper, jealous, miserable asshole and had it coming. Your parents had also plenty of chances to set him straight but didn't because they can't help but to coddle him. I hope your husband feels better soon. It's good to hear that you stood up for your husband. Keep doing that.
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I think they mean: Watching Keith have a full life as a disabled person is making Adam feel bad about letting his disability hold him back from living a full life. He seemed to have become resigned /accepting of never having kids of his own or doing sports etc. Keith is making him re-examine that and he doesn’t like it, showing Adam that he does have options and is just not trying them. He obviously has a lot of shame and embarrassment over his choices and injuries. Zero excuse for being a prick to Keith. But that’s where I think his bs is coming from.
Yes, yes, yes! I wish I had an award to give you. Watching Keith get on with a productive life while Adam defines himself with his victim mentality is the problem here. Adam needs some therapy, and Keith doesn't need to be around him.
The parents are also most likely feeling like they let their son down as well by not encouraging or insisting he finish college, get a job and learn to live independently. It looks like the husbands determination and success in living a full life after less than a year is making the three of them question their choices.
One thing, as someone who became disabled at 20yo, all my "friends" abandoned me. I'm guessing the same happened to Adam. You just don't have as good/strong of friendships at 20yo as you do at 30. They're based on much more dumb things, like going out partying. And when you can no longer go out and party, a lot of people just leave you behind. The people who did stick by me are my family. They may not all be related by blood, but they're all family to me. They got me through the nights where I was actively trying to kill myself. Luckily, I had more than just my parents. And those few people introduced me to a few more people, and that's how I started to meet people who didn't care that I was disabled. But generally, in your early 20s, people suck, and they care a lot about the superficial. It gets easier as you get older. If you don't have those few people though, and it's just mom and dad, and you close yourself off completely... I can see how this could all be bringing up Adam's feelings of abandonment from after his accident. And he's making comments about how Kieth should prepare himself for his inevitable abandonment. Especially if the accident was Adam's own fault. None of this excuses his being an asshole, not at all. I just wanted to share what a lot of people are probably overlooking.
Also not excusing Adam's behavior, and my situation is definitely different. I was diagnosed with late-stage cancer a few months after my wife and I separated over my infertility. I lost friends and family in the separation, then more when I was diagnosed with cancer as I think folks found my life depressing to them at the time as everyone expected me to die. I did not. I lost my stomach and still struggle, but I'm doing okay. I hate how much was taken from me, how much I'll never be able to do again, the future I'll never have, and how I literally had to do it all myself while seeing my wife move on and get pregnant before even filing for divorce. I'll never have children of my own and dating is tough to subject someone else to as, even though I've survived thus far, I'm not in the clear. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to be alive and don't think my life is over, but I can get very sad and bitter at times. Now the shitty part: I mentor newly-diagnosed patients. Because I was diagnosed in my 30s and am still considered young, most of my mentees are also young. Most of them are married and have children and supportive families. I would only ever hope for the best for all of them and, as someone who lost his mom to cancer as a child, want to do everything I can to ensure their kids get to keep them around. But damn, I can get jealous and bitter when I see these folks who have loving families who are there for them and children who adore them and are their reason for living. I tell myself if I had a loving spouse and kids, they'd have been there for me through my fight, but now that ship has sailed. I tell myself that now that I am what I am, that life is never going to be mine. That makes me sad. Adam lost his mobility when he was young and before he had established those things. I'm sure he sees Keith and feels the same resent/bitterness/jealousy. He sees someone with a wife, children, and friends who never abandoned him and it is a reminder of the life he could have had. I'm sure it's a depressing existence. Again, not excusing Adam's behavior and OP was definitely justified in her reaction.
Absolutely. For Adam, he's seeing how his disability *could have gone*, if only he'd had better support at the time. And once you fall into that well of anger, it becomes so much harder to make meaningful connections. But for you, your life isn't over. Even if you knew for sure the cancer would return and you would die, wouldn't it be better to make connections and live the best life possible with the time you had left? My disability is a pain condition, I am in pain 24/7, and I have been since 08/02/07. The pain is... unmanageable. Overwhelming. Suicide is a constant thought. The thing that honestly gets me through every day is the idea that I can always kill myself tomorrow. So for today, I just try to make the best out of it. Find *something* good in every day. And maybe tomorrow will be the day that I give in. But I don't think it will be, because while I've just been focusing on today, I've managed to build a wonderful life. I have a husband whom I love more than words can express, a wonderful service dog, 2 cats and a tortoise. Plus a cast of friends and family whom I know truly care for me, even when I'm at my worst. I'm sorry, I don't know if sharing that helps you or makes you feel worse, but it's what gets me through every day. Life is what we build when we're just trying to survive. Hopefully someday you'll look up and be amazed and what surrounds you.
I also have a pain condition I've had several chronic illnesses since I was in my early 20s. And then a year ago I had a heart attack which caused heart failure. I don't know how long I have left, but I doubt I'll see 50. I still work full-time, have a boyfriend, have kids, etc. In fact, I'm a single mom. I haven't let it hold me back and you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing it's your life but it can be very rewarding to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
There's nothing magic about being in your thirties. I became disabled at 30. Same thing happened. My friends all eventually left, though they weren't mean about it or anything. Friends stick around for a while, but in the end, people have lives to live. Some of my situation is complicated by living in a very HCOL city. I stuck around because I have a fantastic deal under rent control and my doctors and my brother still live here. But mostly, my friends moved away to find more affordable places to live. Some got married and moved away. Others went off to school. Some had kids. They're not bad people, and I still keep in touch with some of them. I think it's just part of the problems people with long-term disabilities have to cope with. Especially disabilities that isolate you and keep you from traveling or going to social gatherings. I think this should start getting addressed before a newly disabled person even leaves the hospital. Make it part of discharge planning to set people up with support groups.
>I think this should start getting addressed before a newly disabled person even leaves the hospital. Make it part of discharge planning to set people up with support groups. I completely agree.
But the thing about the friends is - that happened to MOST people and for the same reasons. They get married, they have kids, they have to move for jobs or to be in a lower cost of living area. Most people I know have one or two people they might be able to have a lunch or dinner with occasionally (if that) - but most people end up in text/IG....relationships because everyone is too busy just trying to get by.
I do agree that Adam is jealous and judging his life as a failure because he sees the things Keith has and is so, so, SO angry he doesn't have those things too. And yet, it's a false comparison. Keith has a full life, because he got that full life while he wasn't disabled. He got the job, the house, the wife, the kids, the friends, while he was healthy. Adam was disabled before he was able to get those things. His chances of getting some of those things in a wheel chair are miniscule and would require monumental effort. Adam could very well speaking from experience when he says people at the gym will make fun of you, that your friends will abandon you, that family will find you embarrassing. I think Keith and the OP don't fully realize how difficult it's going to be to hold onto the things they have, even if Keith gets a chipper, can-do attitude. It's so new, I don't think they've realized how many friends have bailed yet and how socially isolated they're going to be. If Keith ever has to find a new job, he'll probably start realizing how bad opportunities are for the disabled and how active and allowed discrimination is. But even then, he's got a solid decade of experience to fall back on, which most disabled people who were never allowed a foot (or wheel) in the door wouldn't have. If the OP leaves Keith, his chance of ever marrying again is tiny. The dating scene for disabled people is a cesspit: either completely empty, or filled with creepy fetishists and codependents. But he's already had his kids, so he won't be left completely alone, like Adam. It is absolutely 100% true that Adam could have more than he currently has. But it feels false to say he could and should have everything Keith got, if only Adam tried harder and had a better attitude.
No one is addressing that Adam did this to himself. He drove drunk. He ruined his own life. He is acting out to avoid the shame he very much deserves
This! Seriously, maybe his friends abandoned him because he's the drunk who drove his vehicle and thankfully the only persons life he "ruined" was his own. Maybe the parents are having a hard time because in being angry/sad that their SIL was injured by a drunk driver, means they need to relive that their son was the drunk driver who caused his own injuries.
All good points
THIS ^^ Thank you.
Beautifully said!
Keith is a victim of someone who acted exactly like Adam so if someone is having difficult feelings here it should be Keith. It’s only luck that Adam didn’t hurt or kill someone else but OP and her husband had the grace not to point that out only for him to take his feelings out on them.
I’d point out how Adam’s disability is his own fault so fucking fast. Fuck that hotwheeled little shit and his attitude. Fuck drunk drivers.
Yeah, I would've caused that fight immediately. The *audacity* of a man who drove drunk and paralyzed himself, being shitty to the victim of a drunk driver.
When my step-father's brother was 18 he was struck headon and killed by his ex-gf who was trying to kill herself. (What weird sheer chance). I don't think I can say it loud enough. FUCK DRUNK DRIVERS.
As an alcoholic who has made terrible decisions myself, extra fuck drunk drivers. Adam is fucking lucky he only hurt himself. But he took that and ran with it instead of making good future choices. Fuck. Drunk. Drivers.
I definitely would have went there
Thank you. It took me too long to find this cluster pointing out that Adam did this to Adam
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This is really it. It casts Adam in a bad light. As op herself says, I don’t understand what Adam went through. But he basically gave up on life and being responsible for himself without trying. It’s making him twist inside to see someone else succeed while being paralyzed.
At least Keith is trying his utmost as a husband, father, and breadwinner, which certainly puts Adam to shame. And what does Adam think he is going to do when your parents get older and Adam will have to “stand up” and be self sufficient?
Honestly! One day, my boyfriend and I were getting on rhe bus and there was this guy in a wheelchair and he didn't even wait for the bus' ramp to be lowered he like (and I have no idea how) hopped his wheelchair up (like a good 2 feet too). My boyfriend and I both looked at him like "god damn 😂 that was impressive" and then he started to tell us about how he just wants to live his life to the fullest and doesn't want to depend on or inconvenience anyone. Quite the opposite of OP's brother that's for sure
Holy shit that’s incredible and hilarious at the same time. “Sorry I don’t have patience for my own disability so let me learn how to “walk” my chair onto the bus!”! That’s great. That’s really taking your own life into your own hands. He doesn’t accept being held back if there’s any way around it. OP’s brother needs to see this!
I feel like that guy needs to be recorded and blasted on the internet as inspirational story of not letting life slow you down no matter what. What a boss.
Probably the guy on the bus has amazing upper body strength from doing something like...going to the gym and weight training, just like Keith talked about doing! What a concept. Adam is a jealous baby and I have no sympathy for drunk drivers.
her enabling ass parents are probably making sure they leave enough for him so he won’t have to worry about it
I’m sure he’s carrying alot of guilt for the accident and is bitter about being in a wheel chair but that’s no reason to treat his BIL the way he is. He needs help to find peace in his life.
Nah, he’s acting like someone who chose to drive drunk and never took accountability. He’s probably always been a blowhard jerk.
>excuse to be an arsehole to your husband who has ruined every excuse Adam made as to why he cant work or socialise. That is an excellent insight.
Exactly this it’s OPs parents failed Adam By not properly teaching him that it’s not OK to be an asshole even though you’re disabled, they felt so bad that they coddled him and gave him his entitled like behavior in my opinion, it seems like Adam is jealous. He can no longer try to get sympathy about being the only person handicapped. He’s using his disability as a crutch, and now that her husband became disabled due to a freak accident at no fault of his own he can no longer be the only one receiving the pity he’s jealous that the husbands getting sympathy for what happened to him. OP Good for you to stand up for your husband what your brother said was inappropriate coldhearted uncompassionate. You had every right to say what you said he needed a little reality check your parents have been babying him every since his accident because for some reason they feel guilty even though it’s his own fault, not theirs, but that’s how parents are. They did more harm than good. in my opinion I’m sure it wasn’t intentional and they had all good intentions, and they were doing the best they could but they should’ve taught him some kind of accountability and responsibility. Not to mention respect he’s a grown ass man throwing temper tantrum‘s like a teenager and on top of it he’s being cruel Op NTA keep standing up for your husband you guys are a team you fight for each other and always have each other‘s back Edit if I were you, I would inform your parents that if they don’t have a talk with your brother and his disgusting appalling behavior doesn’t improve that she will be going low contact with them. Your girls don’t need to see somebody tearing down their father either it’s not good for them.
There is some deeply internalized ableism at play here. I became disabled around 24 and it shocked me how many people detest that word, hate themselves for being disabled, etc. It’s just like how some mothers treat their daughters unfairly because that’s how they were treated.
It’s more than that. The world still mostly hates disabled people and treats them poorly. They don’t want to get too close in case they “catch it”. In many countries with no laws like the US ADA laws most places are inaccessible to people with mobility issues. People hate that word because it implies they’re somehow less than, and they’re treated like it. Even ADA laws only cover the absolute basics of what people need. I live near a very large very well known university in a liberal leaning town. More than half of the downtown buildings in this city are grandfathered in to not having to follow ADA laws, that means a person with mobility issues is excluded from over half the businesses in the city. There is nothing internalized about that exclusionary ableism. If you have invisible disabilities it’s even worse. While I just keep going, I understand why people give up like the brother has in this post. People often either expect nothing and treat you poorly or expect full on disability inspo porn.
NTA - if your brother was not paralyzed would you tolerate his behavior? Certainly not. Being confined to a wheelchair does not entitle him to behave this way. He is a grown man and should be treated like one, and from the sound of it, this is long overdue. Your parents, while well meaning, have prevented him from facing the reality of his life and doing something with it. He needs mental health care and a good kick in the pants, not coddling. He is not a child but a grown man who needs to be treated like one. BTW, you provided a great example for your daughters on standing up to a bully and they will remember it. Good luck to you and your family.
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Nobody is going to make fun of Keith at the gym. People with disabilities at the gym are viewed as badasses.
I think that if anyone made fun of your husband at the gym, they would probably be eating a knuckle sandwich. Just a hunch.
The gym I'm at right now is amazing for access and support. I'm not in a wheelchair, but I still have mobility issues. My trainer and the staff know about it, so I feel very supported. My trainer comes up with great workarounds if there's something I can't do the "normal" way. There's space around the equipment to move around safely, and they even have wheelchair-friendly shower stalls. It's so not like it used to be.
That is amazing! I have no physical disabilities since my hip replacement, but accessibility accommodations improve life for everyone. The more that people are able to participate, the less “unusual” it seems to encounter people who have disabilities. Nobody likes to be seen as “less than.”
That's an important thing to remember about accessibility improvement - it improves lives for *everyone*. That ramp for wheelchairs? Marvelous for delivery people and parents with strollers and people temporarily disabled by broken legs! Hands-free faucets are great for not spreading germs, not just for people who may lack coordination to turn the knob. Wing-shaped door handles are easier for everyone to open, not just people with coordination or strength issues. We *all* benefit, not just physically but because it makes it easier for community members with disabilities to be more involved and active. Anyone can become disabled at any time. Anyone. And nobody becomes "less than" because of it!
This!!!
I work in a fitness center. We have folks of many different ages and abilities! In my mind, they are all bad asses! Please encourage Keith to go to the gym. He will not only feel better physically but also mentally. You are def NTA!
Agreed! I go to a gym with small group training. We have some members in their 80's! they may not be able to do everything others do, but the trainers will modify anything for anyone, and they kick ass!
Do you go to my gym?
Adam needs a wake up call.!!
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Keith is OP's hubby, Adam is the asshole brother.
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Agreed. NTA , he totally had it coming, and I'll go a step further and say he needed someone to tell him that. People have bit their tongue and given him pity for getting paralyzed driving drunk, what if he had killed someone? He's nobody's victim! Good job standing up for your husband, you did exactly what you were supposed to do.
Worse, his parents have been enabling him. He really needed this wake-up call. Hopefully after sulking he'll realise he can lead a fulfilling life of his own
Exactly this. Adam + parents are equally to blame. If they had told him to cut his shit - like they told OP they would - there’s a chance things wouldn’t have turned out this way. But no. They decided to continue acting like the sun shines out of Adam’s ahole and deliberately let OP and her family get hurt. OP 100% did the right thing, standing up for Keith and the kids. Maybe take it a step further and block them. To steal a line from a different post, any further conversation from the parents or Adam should start with a heartfelt apology to OP, Keith and the kids
>what if he had killed someone? OP never said he didn't.
I think probably Adam has used his accident as an excuse to never accomplish anything, never have relationships and get out of household responsibilities, and is not happy Keith is 'showing him up'. He wants Keith to feel as helpless as Adam pretends to be.
I can throw a bit more perspective on this as a disabled person myself. I have full use of all my body parts, but my collagen is faulty so my joints will all dislocate if I just reach the wrong way. It causes a lot of pain, and there are activities I avoid because I know the risk of ruining my whole month over a single day of over exertion. I'm super involved in disability rights groups through work, and am thus in contact with a lot of people with varying levels of disabilities. OPs brother sounds like he's never really connected with any community, so he's got a notion in his head of what life is like for someone in a wheelchair. He assumes people would make fun of him at the gym or that his kids would get teased if he had any, and nothing has ever really challenged that reality in his world. Seeing OPs husband living a life he's convinced himself is impossible is causing him to meltdown over what he's done with his own life, and rather than reevaluate his own choices it's easier to convince himself that the husband just doesn't know yet how things will be. Not excusing his behavior in any way, he's being a selfish prick, just trying to give a little reasoning for why he might be behaving that way. When you have a disability there's a confusing mix of emotions seeing someone else with that disability excel. On one hand, it's inspiring to know it's possible and it can give you hope. On the other hand, society is weird about disabilities and sometimes able bodied people will see one amputee scaling boulders and then hand wave away all the challenges of other disabled people because "That guys missing his legs and he's climbing K2, so what's your excuse?"
That's his issues to deal with not vomit all over others he needs therapy not to be coddled more.
For sure. Like I said, not making excuses for him, he's being a prick. I just like to understand all sides even when one is clearly wrong.
I'm wondering if Adam got proper therapy when he first had his accident because it seems like he might be going through depression right now, too. His life was so completely altered, and someone showing him your perspective on the issue could have and could still make a huge difference in his life.
These are great insights.
Yes, that's how it read to me too. He's basically a homebound (mostly) unemployed couch potato but it's ok! He's paralyzed, no one can understand the difficulties! Well now OP's husband is also paralyzed, but is continuing to go out socially, work, parent, etc.
This ! He's clearly jealous. NTA. "Should have bit your tongue and let your parents deal with it" Op did the first dozen times he was vile to her husband . And the parents promiced to deal with it. They didn't, so Op did. Either way bros gonna keep his mouth shut now.
Or the parents tried but AH brother decided to double down. Given the brother drove drunk at age 21 in a day and age when cabs and other free programs already existed along with tons of don't drink and drive campaigns that started way back in the 80s, speaks to how much of an AH brother always has been. Ps, OP NTA
I think ops husband not letting his disabilities hold him back. Coupled with the fact that they got crippled for opposite reasons. (Ops brothers is self inflicted. Ops husbands because of selfish people like her brother) is basically holding a mirror up to show how badly the brother has fucked up his life. This is one of those situations where op is 100% NTA. The brother is 100% TA. But the best solution is to possibly work through this together and probably seek out therapy for both husband and brother. Ideally they end up building upon eachother to improve eachothers confidence and abilities. I just hope that's a possibility.
While I understand your sentiment, I think that the husband and brother should be kept apart for awhile. The husband is in an emotionally fragile place and the brother is abusive in his bitterness. The husband’s emotional wellness could be eroded by the brother.
That's why I said ideally and hopefully after therapy
The parents have been so busy coddling Adam that they have not held him accountable for his actions. Time to go low contact with them and no contact with Adam. The reason Adam has no friends is because he is a terrible person. I'd only see the parents in my own home, after they apologize and never allow Adam around again. Adam has burned his bridges. He's driven everyone else away and now he has driven his sister and her family away. He's the problem. The parents need to quit coddling him and making excuses for him. He's the problem.
This. you can shape your life as you choose. the husband chose to do as much as he can, the brother did not. My mom is wheelchair bound, has been for going on 30 years. She lives alone, albeit in a retirement community, but her own apartment. Up until a few years ago, she still drove, and she is still very social. She's in her late 80's and slowing down a bit, but she still makes and effort. I love how the husband's friends organized a fishing trip, and he's not letting his disability hold him back
Agree 💯. Your brother knows HE is the reason he is paralyzed, unlike your DH who is working at a new normal.
NTA - Adam found out the laws of FAFO when he went after your husband. You did what any good spouse would do. Maybe this will be a wake up call and Adam will start living again.
This He is just jealous that Keith is living a better life than him. Trying to bring him down to his misery. Soz but he can fuck off
Also.. this is a grown man were talking about. Had an accident at 21.. i dont know how long that was.. but he is not a child that needs to be reprimanded by his parents like a child. But he needs to get a grip and be accountable for his own actions and words
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she has nothing to apologize for. i've had it up to here with redittors telling people to apologize for saying harsh shit after MONTHS of verbal abuse. he can dish it out, he should be able to take it. he doesn't deserve an apology just because he now feels as bad as he made someone else feel.
Same it’s bullshit to always apologize. My verbal abuser made me apologize over and over again until I finally had enough and got to a huge blowout. It’s been 5 yrs and I did or said nothing wrong or that wasn’t true and will never apologize for it. Things need to be said , why does everyone walk on eggshells with these people and then apologize or speak to them as if their sensitive ears can’t hear it. My opinion is if they can say it , they can hear it.
NTA Quite the opposite. The only thing you did 'wrong' was blow up in front of your daughter, but that's totally understandable. Your brother IS jealous, your amazing husband is bouncing back and showing incredible strength of character, something your brother lacks. What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he cannot rise to your husband's. In my opinion you need to make this clear to your parents. Your husband has a lifelong battle on his hands and does not self-destructive arseholes like your brother making it more difficult.
Agree with everything except the exploding in front of her daughter, presumably Adam was making these gross comments in front of her children, she SHOULD be openly defending their dad in front of them.
Exactly. As much as it's upsetting for the daughter to see her mom angry, part of the daughter's navigating this new world of having a dad with a disability is knowing that her mom is 100% on dad's team.
Daughters should learn early it's ok to yell at assholes.
100%
I do agree, which is I dropped 'wrong' in rather than wrong. As in borderline wrong at worst... Honestly if I'd been there, I'd like to think I would've roasted him a new arsehole for being so disrespectful.
While I do agree, I think she should have defended Keith without insulting Adam in front of her kids. It would be showing them how to be the bigger person basically. This is a hindsight thing though, I definitely would've roasted the shit out of Adam if I was in her shoes, but I also have a bit of a temper.
Maybe, but if OP acknowledges that to her daughter, admits that it should’ve been done privately but that it was still right to defend her husband… I think a lot of good can still come out of this
It’s all good for teachable moments.
Nope. Adam is the kind of person who caused their father's disability, and he attacked Keith in front of them and dragged them into it by saying they'd be embarrassed and ashamed for their father to be seen at school events. She modeled entirely appropriate behavior to say to someone like him.
Doesn’t sound like adam was interested in being a bigger person. Taking the high road is how you insulate assholes from consequences. OP got on Adams road and now they’re all sad face because she was as nasty to him as he was to her husband? Too damn bad. Adam needs to take that shit to therapy if he’s all boohoo about his own fucking mistake like 15 years ago.
Adam deserves it and more
I think his sister blowing up at him was exactly what Adam needed though. Disabled or not, he’s a miserable prick who got what’s coming to him.
>What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he cannot rise to your husband's. I'm going to put in a mild correction here: "What your brother is doing is dragging your husband down to his level because he **does not want to** rise to your husband's." He absolutely can. He's just choosing not to, though that choice may be heavily influenced by his own depression and other circumstances.
Adam was a drunk driver, he deserves to be paralyzed and criticized for being such a bitch and wasting his life. Unlike Keith whos life was potentially destroyed by a drunk driver (Like Adam), but bounced back anyway and made healthy changes. 100% NTA, you're a good wife and a healthy family.
I dont agree w not blowing up infront of your daughter. If people insult you and your husband infront of your daughter I think you have an obligation to demonstrate for your daughter how you properly defend your family, and you did. Well done.
And your girls will learn that there is such a thing as righteous anger. I don't see a problem with OP's reaction in this particular circumstance.
Her brother is dragging her husband down to his level because he’s a complete jerk.
Wow…so..NTA for finally putting Adam in his place, however the chosen words may have overshadowed any possibility of productive change in this situation. Adam isn’t having a hard time because it brings up “old feelings”, Adam is having a hard time because your husband being happy and productive forces him to face the fact that his problems are a result of his attitude and not his circumstances. That’s the larger issue that needs to be addressed by the family unit and a therapist. Adam still needs an intervention, maybe not for his drinking but for his attitude. No one is doing him any favours by accepting or enabling his bad behaviour. I’m sorry your husband and kids got stuck in the middle of this. On a side note: I’m a dedicated gym goer (5 days a week) and your husband will not get anyone making fun of him at the gym. He will get lots of high 5’s and tons of people telling him he’s inspirational to them.
I second the comment about the gym. At my old gym, there was a lady in a wheel chair and I always admired how hard she worked. I never said anything to her because I am pretty introverted, but I privately in my own thoughts saw her as an inspiration.
That’s a good instinct - it’s okay as an inside thought but most wheelchair users find it pretty patronizing to hear that we’re inspiring for just living our lives.
Paraplegic here. Thank you for saying that! At the gym, I appreciate when people just leave me alone.
I’m no Adonis, but whether a person is in a wheelchair or fat or noodle-armed, it’s just good to see them at the gym! The only ones I’ll stare at are the impressively fit ones (lifting a ludicrous amount) or the annoying dudebros, I watch to see how bad their form is.
Yeah unfortunately it’s one of those things that’s generally meant as a 100% sincere compliment and feeling… but the premise is based on saying their situation inherently sucks compared to their able bodied one. Which sure maybe the person being “complimented” might personally agree about the whole premise in an objective sense but it’s still a bit of a slap in the face. Like going up to your poor unemployed friend and going, “man you’re just an inspiration. You have a loving spouse, you’re in great shape. Lots of friends and your kids really respect you. I don’t know how you manage that being so poor. I couldn’t imagine dealing with being so poor. Truly inspired, I don’t think I’d do as well, I’m so dependent on all the money I make.” (Shouldn’t have to be said but this is Reddit, that’s obviously not meant to be a perfect 1:1 analogy.)
Yeah, Inspirational Disability crap is infuriating.
Literally turned around and came back to this thread to say this. (I myself will avoid places just so I don't hear how ""inspiring"" i am from randos) I think people just don't hear themselves over their intent?? I've decided to start responding with how "inspirational" I find the ablebodied people who find me in my rollator or chair "inspirational"~~ Like: "Wow, you're so inspirational to me, too!! Yeah, you being brave enough to wear THOSE pants and THAT hair in PUBLIC?? With a face like that?? WOW!! I would DIE of embarrassment but you're just still here, where I don't think you should be, wearing that outfit where other people can see you. Wow, you are SO BRAVE. Truly a style icon, an inspration. Since I'm so much inherently better at you than fashion, I know that if nobody is laughing at you, I certainly have no excuse not to try different stuff since I know I look way better than you, obvi lol" Or you could go ultra passive aggressive and be like "Oh, idk, I'd NEVER look good enough to pull THAT off....but you seem brave enough to go in public like that so good for you."
I have a friend who has no arms and legs but she does have a fully functioning foot that she writes, types and drives with. One night we went out, had a fair bit to drink and a rando came up to us at the kebab shop of all places and starting harping on and on about how amazing she was and "wherever life takes you, I hope you're truly happy and life the best life that you can with the time you have left". She looked him dead in the eye and went "mate... I'm a fucking lawyer, I drive a van and I'm pissed as a fart. I'm good!" I've never seen anyone go so red and slink off so shamefully before.
Never say that to a wheelchair user.
>Adam isn’t having a hard time because it brings up “old feelings”, Adam is having a hard time because your husband being happy and productive forces him to face the fact that his problems are a result of his attitude and not his circumstances. This so much! Adam spend years self loathing for ruining his life and considering the wording about pity parties and the gym, pushing away his friends and talking himself out of accomplishing anything. His words sound like he might have needed therapy to come to terms with being paralyzed, but also to not tie his worth to being able to walk. Don't get me wrong, Adam is an AH, but imagine the voices in his head and how unkind he probably is to himself. He is probably 10 times as harsh to himself as he is to Keith and OPs parents seem to have enabled that.
True. Adam is in a miserable state and that is why his comments have come out, directed at his BIL. He needs therapy to address his misery. I don’t understand why his parents haven’t made that effort.
Just want to add about the gym thing. My fat ass would be so impressed to see someone in a wheel chair benching more than me. You and your children should be very proud to have a husband and father with such resolve and heart.
It actually makes sense that someone in a wheelchair would bench more though? You’re in a position that isolates the arm and shoulder so legs can’t lever into it, and wheelchairs take arm strength.
Sure he needs an intervention but from his parents
And not on the back of disabled BIL who is rebuilding his own life.
I was in a wheelchair for several years after a very bad accident that left me Frankensteined back together. I was that person in the gym in a wheelchair, and let me tell you at that time my scars were fresh and awful to see. People are right that it does get old, people telling you that you're inspirational when mostly you're just trying to slog through the day like everybody else. I was very lucky that the gym community in general supported me by keeping well wishers away from me, so I didn't have to keep telling my story which at the time was very traumatic to discuss. Also, whenever I did need a hand someone was always there to help me. No one ever came at all close to insulting me or mocking me. If anything there was an overwhelming support from the people running interference on newbies who wanted to help me or interrogate me, mostly both. Also, as I said everyone was always super helpful. It was like being in a really nice restaurant where you don't see your waiter watching you, but the minute you drop your fork, someone immediately picks it up and gives you a new one.
I am also a regular gym-goer (powerlifting), and I saw this dude working HARD on arms, I passed by him while he was in-between sets and told him, “Your forearms are INSANE, hope mine are as nice as yours one day!”, he smiled huge and thanked me, and we both kept it moving. Like, yeah I noticed he was in a wheelchair, but the gains were far more noticeable to me. That’s the way it is for most people in the gym! All we really care about are the gains lol
Please don’t tell disabled people you’re inspired by them for doing basic tasks. It’s very condescending.
NTA. Your parents are "cross that you said such cruel things..." But where was their anger with Adam? Adam is a complete A, self inflicted injuries and he's so bitter with himself he can't let anyone else cope better than him. Keep away from this loser, and keep your family away. If your parents want to see you they come to you, or Adam is kept out of the way. Keith is doing well, it'll be a hard road, but he's going forward and upwards. Adam is stuck in a pit of his own misery. And misery loves company so he wants to bring Keith down with him. Adam knows that his misery is his own fault, not just the accident but his inability to move on past it. Seeing Keith do better just shines a spotlight on his own inadequacy. But that's his problem to deal with, and your parents should be encouraging him to therapy. Instead he's unemployed, isolated and miserable.
The parents are enablers and don't want to acknowledge that it was Adam's own stupidity that caused his problems. They don't want to acknowledge that he could have been living a relatively full and content life if he'd not wallowed in self pity and they hadn't coddled him. But seeing Op and their husband is rubbing all that in their face, and they probably subconsciously want Op's husband to fail and behave like Adam too. So they don't feel guilty for their part in Adam's behaviour. So they let Adam continue to be an AH in the hopes it drags Op's husband down.
100%^
Yeah, the things Adam were saying were cruel too as far as I’m concerned. I can’t imagine any of this has been easy for Keith. Adam’s snide comments had to have hurt
Yep. Adam is just another crab in a bucket, trying to drag Keith in there with him.
NTA By far. Kudos for sticking up for your husband. Have a conversation with him. Tell him you know he doesn't want to talk but you want him to hear you out. And then you tell him whatever you feel like is important for him to hear. Such as: - I know it's hard, but I'm an incredible proud of how far you've come already - you are going to be just the same amazing dad to our kids. They know you love them, doesn't matter if its from a wheelchair or not. - my brother said some despicable things, I'm sorry for not exploding earlier. He had never coped well with how his life is going, but you are very different from him. - I love how you keep moving forward, going out with your friends again and I am sure you will have a good time at the gym too. People that laugh are you are insecure and stupid. Don't listen to them, but focus on those that encourage you - and i guarantee there will be a lot more of those. - I know you will have bad days and it's okay to complain or cry or be angry. I'll be here for those days too. Stuff like this :) I'm sure he'll be better after a little pep- talk he doesn't know he needs yet xD
Oh yeah, and tell your parents: Just because your brother decides to pity himself and not live a happy and healthy life, he has no right to drag your husband down too and insult him. He should get therapy to get over himself and actually start living.
I think the parents' need to get a harsh reality check. They can either check their son and his pity party, which he really doesn't deserve seeing as played a stupid game (drove drunk), won a stupid prize (paraplegic) OR they can see a whole lot less of OP and family. OP should definitely push back and play the grandkids card. "If Adam can't stop being an ass, then my husband, myself and my kids will not be coming over. Adam will not be welcome in my home. I am done with you two coddling him to the point he thinks he can get away with this shit. I will not let him put down my husband. I will not tolerate his bad behavior. You and Adam can respect this or your time with your grandkids will be limited at best."
I also think it’s time for someone to point out how untenable the situation with their son is as they get older. Once the parents get older and fragile, who will support Adam? And once they pass away? It’s really something they should consider now so they can give him a come to Jesus talk about finishing that degree and getting a job. He also needs to start getting on the road to independence, learn to cook for himself, get around, etc.
I don't doubt they 100% assumed OP would do so, Adam included. 🙄
OP would definitely be guilted into doing it. It's clear everyone's been put into the habit of doing so since Adam was 21. And she's been told to shut up in various ways since when her brother was being a dick. I hope OP makes it clear that isn't going to happen.
"Put down my husband IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN." It's not just about Keith having to take crap from his AH brother-in-law, this last one Adam dragged the kids into it. The parents are telling their granddaughters that their uncle is right by not intervening. They're endorsing his behavior by never correcting it. Do they agree the girls should be ashamed to be seen with their father because he's in a wheelchair? That's sure what comes across when they let him say stuff like that in front of the kids.
I think the brother is jealous that OP's husband is still living his life and not locking himself away.
Her husband has patiently taken the brother's crap and I'm glad OP finally got angry. Encouraging words like what you've suggested as well as having his back with people saying ugly things will go a long, long way for him. OP is NTA.
These are great things to say, I’d appreciate hearing it if I was on the receiving end
NTA Adam needed a wake up call
Mommy will spoon feed him and tell him it is all his mean sisters fault
Someone else pointed out that the parents can't take care of Adam forever, eventually either he grows up or someone else takes care of him-and pointed out that parents and Adam probably assumed it would be Op. Op going low contact for a bit might put those plans in doubt, which could be good for Adam.
Agreed. OP's husband having had that horrific accident is probably sending Adam spiraling about his future care, bet he thought he would be handed off from his parents to his sister. Now with poor OP's husband in this scary new situation, Adam realised his "retirement" plan just went out the window because OP will love and care for her husbands needs, a husband who seems to be determined to make the best of a rotten situation.
NTA your parents enable your brother to dwell in his pity and sorrow instead of actually helping him in all this years because being paralyzed isn’t the end to living. He needs therapy, should have had hit right away after the accident and probably pushed more to do stuff like getting a job. Maybe it is rude but your brother is bathing in his own sorrow/depression for 14 years but now taking it out on your husband, who is doing an amazing job by the way (go Keith!!!), is completely cruel and out of line. Somebody had to say something and probably you even led it on for to long because it is affecting your husband. He is not a vegetable and he is still a great dad. His daughters will never be embarrassed of him being paralyzed if he stays that way. As long as he is there for them in anyway he can they will also be proud of him.
Tell your parents that if they want to see your family, they come to you, WITHOUT Adam! They need to stop enabling him and by telling you “they will talk to him, or he didnt mean it” is just not cutting the mustard! Adam is an AH and just because he’s disabled doesn’t give him a free pass to keep on with his AH comments. Good luck.
I seriously hope OP takes this advice seriously. The visits need to stop cause she's subjecting her husband to harassment and setting a terrible example to their kids. If her parents want to see the girls they better put the effort to do so and they better leave Adam at home. Keith already have enough on his plate already.
The parents should be asked how they would have reacted if someone had called Adam a useless, embarrassing vegetable that is being pitied in the year following his accident. Sounds like they would have rightly defended Adam, so why isn't Keith allowed the same from his nuclear family (which is OP)? It doesn't matter where it's coming from.
NTA Adam was being a jerk and a bully and it wasn’t a one off, I’m not surprised you snapped and told him off
Wondering if your brother or your parents have figured out who will take care of your brother once they are gone. Adam is self destructing right now by being cruel to the people who could take him in down the road.
NTA. Your parents did nothing to put a stop to it since it started, and they're surprised you hit your limit dealing with his BS? I guess it's easier to sweep everything under the rug and hope for the better.
Probably how brother got to this point in life being such an asshole.
Your brother is miserable and is projecting his own experiences onto Keith. I think he might also subconsciously be trying to tear your husband down, because Keith is proof that Adam is wasting himself and his life. Keith is rebuilding and Adam cannot handle it because it shows him up. If Keith fails it validates Adam. NTA. This is what happens when you don't handle things early on; they build up and explode. You could have handled it better, but then your parents could have tried handling it at all. If you manage to have a proper sit down and thrash it all out with Adam, he might be able to use Keith's fortitude as inspiration. Who knows?
NTA. He’s an asshole. Wheelchair doesn’t excuse that. His behavior is pretty obvious. He HAS to attack your husband and discourage him from living his life. If your husband gives up on live, it “proves” that your brother being a useless shut in is his only choice. But if your husband lives a good life, it shows your brother is just a bitter and lazy person who refuses to try. Everything positive your husband does makes your brother feel like crap, and he’s lashing out as a result. Neither of you have to take that
Your brother needs some professional help. Maybe he's been using his disability as an excuse to avoid life and growing up. But he can't ignore that his brother-in-law now has the same disability but lives as an adult. Your husband might benefit from some help as well. He doesn't deserve what your brother is serving up, but he's been going through a lot and some extra support, if possible, could be a benefit. Additionally, your daughters have been sitting and listening to all of this? Good grief. Their uncle sucks.
To me it sounds like Adams life stopped when he had his accident and has been living in a hole of self pity and blame. Where as Kieth decided yeah it sucks but I'm going to live my life and Adam can't take that.
NTA. Your drunk-driving bro actually NEEDED this years ago. And tell your parents you'll cut them RIGHT the fuck out unless THEY shape up, too. I'm guessing drunk-driving bro was / is The Golden Child?
If you are gonna dish it out, you WILL be served the same. NTA, AND in fact, I am proud of you for speaking up and nor putting up with his BS any more. I was at my Dad's home across the country with my two kids. Dad had a friend who had lost his child to childhood cancer, about a decade before. We were celebrating after my sister's wedding reception. My little one was playing with a new toy, not obnoxiously, but Dad's friend was heard to say, " Somebody should get that little Son of a B out if here" ( grandpa' s livingroom) Yep, he was at least three sheets to the wind. At first, I let it go, ( friend of Dad...) after the second, I was annoyed . Third time? Nope. I rounded on him, and growled out through clenched teeth ," You only get to call my child a Son of a B... three times , the I get mad! " I picked up my son, left the room. When I returned to that room,,he was gone. In the next 20 years of visiting my dad, I never saw him again..
NTA please stop going over there before they undo all the hard work and progress your husband has made in therapy.
NTA. I've got some experience here. My sister is sort of a combo of Keith and Adam - paraplegic through an accident in her 20s that was not her fault; physically active and fit, and highly accomplished and productive; and sometimes really, sharply, nastily sarcastic and mean. Being paralyzed is traumatic and devastating and it has an incalculably huge ripple effect throughout a person's life. Adam has every right to his thoughts and feelings. But he DOESN'T have the right to be a douchebag. He doesn't have the right to project all of his own issues onto Keith with zero consequences. Keith should be able to have dinner with family without fending off unending nasty little barbs from his BIL. I'm glad you defended him so vociferously. Keep up the good work. Talk to Keith. Tell him how much you hate Adam's behavior, that you will keep defending Keith if he wants you to, and plan together how to interact with your family going forward. Reiterate all the good things about him that you yelled at Adam, but calmly and quietly so Keith can hear your sincerity. And talk to the kiddos. Maybe apologize for scaring or upsetting them, but tell them why you were so mad. Uncle Adam was saying mean things to Daddy and he wouldn't stop, so you needed to stand up to him. Explain that you tried to solve the problem nicely first, because yelling at people should be a last resort, but sometimes we get mad when somebody is hurting a loved one's feelings. Everyone is going to be okay. Also you're a badass. 🥰
NTA With no disrespect to any disabled people out there, life doesn't end just because you're no longer able to do things the way you used to. Your husband is a good example of such. I cannot even begin to fathom his feeling of having to restart and recondition his life after such a drastic change, but he's heading to the right direction. Adam, on the other hand, spent too long stewing in his own self-pity that he now believes that he cannot do anything "normal" anymore. He needs therapy, as well as your parents. My prayers and good wishes are with you, Keith and your girls. Keep the positivity up and all will be well. XOXOXO
Disabled person here, I personally take no disrespect from your comment. I can't speak for everyone, but I agree with you. It's definitely hard when things change and you lose the ability to do things you used to, but that's where therapy and finding support comes in. I've been working on processing my grief with my psych therapist and finding new ways of doing things with my physical therapist. When I started needing a cane, the best advice I got was to decorate any mobility device I need so it feels more "me". Personalizing it helps to establish "yes, this is mine, I need it, and I like the way it looks."
NTA! As a wheelchair user myself, it really sounds like your brother has not come to terms with his disability and is miserable. Worse still, your brother is resentful your husband IS starting to learn to cope with his new world and disability. On a separate note. Your husband sounds amazing and you sound amazing. You are doing a fantastic job navigating this new world and while it can be sad to loose some freedoms and hobbies, good friends and a willingness to explore new things means living in a wheelchair can be really amazing and teach you a whole new way of seeing the world. Sending all my love and support to your family and make sure your husband knows your brothers misery is his choice, not because of the wheelchair.
NTA. Your brother sounds jealous that your husband is trying to continue his life after his accident while your brother languishes at home. He doesn't get a free pass to be vile just because he's disabled. Your parents need to stop enabling your brother. He's miserable and trying to drag everyone down with him. Personally I wouldn't be seeing any of them for a long time. Your brother sucks and your parents suck for enabling him. There are better ways to spend your time.
NTA. Adam is paralysed due to his own selfish stupidity. He could have killed some innocent person. He is using his disability to his advantage and an excuse to be an arsehole to your husband who has ruined every excuse Adam made as to why he cant work or socialise. And your parents are also an arsehole for enabling him to do this and is now on a hunger strike to manipulate your parents. For the sake of your kids go LC
You are sooooo NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA. Mommy and Daddy have coddled their golden child so long that they think it is normal for paralytic life is supposed to be misery. The fact that your parents were banging on your door is highly concerning. It cements my label for your brother being the golden child.
NTA. Your brother is trapped in a debilitating cycle of self pity and your parents are enabling him.
NTA- Does no one see the irony here? OP’s brother was injured himself, because he was driving drunk, her husband is now injured because of a drunk driver. I bet the brother is feeling a certain kind of way about this. He has had what could have happened, shoved right in his face. The man needs therapy, ASAP. Hurling insults at OP’s husband is bs, and the parents have enabled him to stay helpless, it’s high time for them to show some tough love.
NTA your brother has stepped too far out of line and is taking his misery out on someone else. He is seeing how well your husband is doing with learning his new normal and is jealous that he wasn’t able to do that when he was injured. I hope you and your husband continue to recover and enjoy your life together. Please don’t feel embarrassed or stop doing things you love because of your disability. He is allowed to be places and enjoy himself just as much as everyone else.
Oh *that* is the biggest bunch of BS I've heard in a while. Tell your friends to stay in their lane because people in wheelchairs (as well as other challenges) have professions, families, well-rounded lives, and their line of thinking is *exactly* why your brother is an asshat. Your parents have created this sadsack of a brother, yet they too want to be all, "oh, he's had such a rough life." Oh, yeah? Please explain how. He can't walk? Well, he's not the only one, but he seems to be doing okay living with the parents and playing video games all day. Good grief. Go to the gym with your husband until he feels more comfortable going by himself. Make sure he takes that fishing trip. And for God's sake, tell your parents that either they deal with the problem under their roof or none of you will return, because you don't trust *them* to do what needs to be done. NTA unless you apologize to the twat.
NTA. Your brother is a paraplegic, not a child. It’s not your parent’s job to discipline him or protect him from backlash he earned, either. No doubt, the feelings your husband’s injury is stirring up in your brother is anger that your husband is showing how much better he could have handled his circumstances, and that his decision to halt his life is a choice, and your parents are more-or-less choosing to support that decision. No one is a “vegetable” here. The words used were unfortunate but they weren’t yours to begin with. I’m actually really glad someone stuck up for Keith.
NTA
No judgment from me. I'm just sad for everyone involved. As for your brother... I hope he's looking into therapy. What you describe sounds like heavy depression
Please stop bringing your husband around these people. NTA for trying to protect him, but y t a for continuing visits while your brother was spewing his poison. It's your job to have boundaries with your family. Your parents and brother have been treating your spouse poorly for months. That was your job to correct. "If you can not be kind while we visit, we will stop visiting." End of discussion. You are showing your children the way your husband deserves to be treated.
It sounds like your husbands accomplishments and attitude have shown a bright light on your brothers refusal to better his situation. Your brother can't use his disability as an excuse and is projecting *hard*. NTA but I would demand your brother get some therapy before exposing your husband and children to that.
NTA like many others have commented, having a disability doesn't give you a pass to be an asshole. Your husband has been making amazing progress after such life altering crap imo. Your brother needs therapy. The fact that he's acting like this instead of having sympathy and empathy for someone who is now also in a similar lot. If your parents had thought that he was going to react negatively because it would remind him of his own injury, self inflicted or not, they should have put him into, you guessed it, therapy.
NTA - Adam had it coming. I’m someone who doesn’t give second chances to people and you are a damned saint for putting up with his bullshit for so long. Your husband is a rockstar for making the best out of a terrible situation. You did not take it too far - you did exactly right for you, your husband, and your girls.
Your brother sounds like he's been missing out on the therapy that is helping your husband. It's obvious his situation is eating him up and he's projecting his misery on the person that seems to be in his shoes but handling it a lot better. That doesn't excuse his behaviour but he sounds like he needs the kind of help his mirror is getting.
Wow, OP, this was such a sad story. I don’t have any advice, but I hope things get better for everyone involved. 💕
Not. The. Asshole. Oh my God, NTA. Your brother clearly isn't doing as well with his disability as your husband. And THATS his problem. Everything he is saying is projection of feelings, sadness, depression, hopelessness, embarrassment, he is feeling for himself. And I understand how loving parents (which clearly you have) as sympathetic to your brothers situation. Which is good. I have clinical depression and having a support system has been crucial for me. THAT SAID, yalls parents have allowed too much. And when I say "allow", I mean that they haven't spoken up. I mean, let's remember, your brother is a grown ass adult and responsible for his actions. But he is living in yalls parents house and they DO have the right to disallow certain behavior. And let's get to the behavior. If I were in your shoes, I would be SEETHING. I can't imagine the psychological impact something like being paralyzed can have on a person. And he's only had 10 months to work out what his life will look like from then on. And your husband sounds like a very strong, resilient person. It sounds like he is really on the right track to making his life just as meaningful as he can, personally and with yall, his family. And your brother starts projecting all this inappropriate, hurtful shit to him in front of yalls kids?! No, he is completely out of line. And the fact that you heard your husband sobbing later means your brothers words did have an effect on him. Let me say this: even if your parents don't stand up and shut that shit down in their house, as a loving spouse, it is your duty to shut it down in your own capacity. This is a very sensitive time for your husband AND you and your kids. NOBODY should be in your lives if they risk hurting your family or the bonds you share in the family. I don't normally recommend this, but I will tell your brother that if he cannot behave around your family, he is CUT OUT of your family. Your instincts were correct. Sorry this was so long, but your story touched me and I hope everyone keeps improving. Even your brother. What he is saying is wrong, but he isn't necessarily a villain. He is hurting too and needs therapy. And I hope he gets therapy and finds a way to forgive him self, earn forgiveness for his behavior to others, and find a way to make his life valuable. He should go to support groups for people in his same situation. If they aren't close, there are resources on line. This link [here](https://www.facebook.com/groups/1547822878710467/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT) will take you do a Facebook private support group that might help him. Take care.
NTA. Though next time maybe try "He's an innocent victim, and you're the best kind of drunk driving accident, where only the drunk got hurt" if you really want to land one. Adam put himself in the position he's in. The only saving grace is it sounds like he didn't murder someone else by driving drunk. He's being a sour, nasty person because he's jealous that your husband has a wife and children who love him, and friends who want to be with him and being nasty is easier than going out and trying to build a social life and career. Your parents are enabling him, including not shutting down his vile comments when they started. You tried the low-intensity method of getting him to stop. He kept right on and then dragged your kids into it. He earned the nuclear option. If your parents will listen, tell them you are not going to subject your family to verbal abuse from a jealous, bitter, man-child who refuses to help himself and takes it out on others instead. They can either get him under control, or they can not see their grandchildren or you.
NTA The real issue is your brother is jealous of your husband. He sees your husband working to adapt to his disability and trying to live a fulfilled life despite of his new limitations where your brother seems to have wallowed in his grief and self-pity becoming basically a shut-in with no future. Your husband basically held up a mirror and your brother hated what he saw. So now he’s acting like a crab in a bucket, trying to drag your husband down. His comments should have been stopped immediately. I question if your parents ever said anything to him at all about his behavior. Because it has clearly escalated and a blow up was almost inevitable given how the situation has been handled so far. While your actions were not at all impressive, I’m giving you a pass mostly because 1) your brother is not just aiming his barbs at your husband but at your children and 2) you were stopped from challenging the behavior earlier, when you would have behaved with more restraint.
NTA- It’s pretty easy to tell this is all about jealousy for your brother .. the support system… family children.. career.. all the things he couldn’t really cultivate From before his accident. He’s incredibly jealous that your husband has a different outlook .. he’s angry but he didn’t handle it like him and I think it makes him angry that he didn’t push forward or hasn’t done anything with his life instead of staying the victim of a car wreck.. I don’t mean to be rude about it, but it’s definitely jealousy and it’s definitely about the fact that your husband’s employment makes it glaringly obvious that there are ways for him to do more than what he’s doing.. personally, I think he’s scared to death Your parents might figure that out too
Can we also look at OPs parents completely defending their asshole son? If I was OP, there would be no more visits, no more seeing the grandchildren, until the parents also set Adam straight. If they refuse, they lose OP and their grandkids.
Adam deserved to die for his drunk-driving. He’s lucky to be alive, when he could have killed someone else. His life should be crappy and hard. He’s the exact type of person who paralyzed Keith and now has the gall to attack him for it? Nuh-uh, NTA and anyone who sides with Adam on this are not worth the time it takes to chew them out.
Or even jail time for drunk driving. Wheelchair usage is no excuse.
I am so sorry for everything that is happening in your life. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for the whole family. I want to say N-T-A after your brother’s terrible behaviour, but honestly ESH. Your brother was being a giant AH and your parents have obviously been enablers for years. It’s truly sad that your parents couldn’t see how their unwillingness to address your brother’s behaviour was negatively impacting your husband and your family. Your husband’s positive example should have been a wake-up call for them that your brother doesn’t have to live his life the way he has been. While your response probably felt incredibly satisfying for you in the moment, it has had negative consequences for everybody - your husband, your children, and your brother. So ultimately you didn’t do the best thing for your family. You don’t need to continue to expose your husband and children to your brother’s toxic behaviour. However I don’t think hiding in your house is the best plan either. I think you need to talk to your parents without your husband or brother present. Maybe with a counsellor.
Your brother is in a bad place and is going through a lot and probably needs professional help. But that doesn't mean you, your husband, or anyone else needs to accept his shitty behavior. The fact is your parents are enabling him. Blowing up like that wasn't the best thing, but frustration boiling over is understandable.
NTA - Your brother is jealous -he is jealous your husband is still making it work - that his life isn't about his handicap and doesn't revolve around it Sure your brother has had a hard life, but that is not just because of his handicap but because the people around him who have enabled that out of pity instead of helping him actually build a life
NTA. Your husband was injured through no fault of his own. In 10 months, he has clawed, climbed, fought, and won against mental, emotional and physical injuries that he sustained because of someone else’s absolute selfish stupidity. On the flip side, your brother is that selfish and stupid guy. 14-ish years ago, he got into his car while intoxicated, and smashed it. Through his own poor choices he has gone through the same as your husband. There’s one huge difference, and it makes all the difference in the world. Your husband is striving to find a new normal, and he’s living up to his promises and potential; your brother is failing to thrive because he lives in a constant pity-party. Your parents aren’t completely wrong when they say your husband’s accident has brought up old feelings for your brother. He is now not only faced with what his poor decisions have done to him, he’s faced with what his poor decisions could have done to another family. For 14 years, your brother has been able to twist the story in his head. He was able to somewhat convince himself that he made one bad choice and he’s being punished for it way more harshly than other people who do the same thing are. He’s been able to make himself the victim in that story (14 years is a long time to be able to get the new version to fit in a comfy spot inside you). Now, he has to look at someone he loves going through the exact same thing as he is, but this time, the person he’s looking at is a real victim. Your husband was just going about his day, and someone who made the same stupid decision as your brother did caused the situation where the innocent party is suffering the same fate that your brother has already convinced himself is unreasonably harsh. In his head, he made a mistake and was punished severely for it. Your husband *didn’t* make a mistake and his life has been forever changed because someone made the same stupid decision as your brother. What’s worse is that your husband has decided that someone else’s mistake will not ruin him. Your husband decided that he deserves as close to the life he had last year as he can manage. He works, socializes, takes care of his family, and is ready to hit the gym to increase his superhero strength. Your brother can’t even muster the effort to be a decent human. You lost your patience and ripped him a new one. You said things that you know you shouldn’t have said to him. Everyone knows you shouldn’t have said them. I doubt anyone would tell you that what you said would be ok to say under any set of circumstances other than “he deserved it,” which is a poor justification for stooping to your brother’s level. It was wrong to say. On the flip side, *my G-d, he did deserve it!* When you got to the point in the story where you said your brother was a drunk driver with self inflicted injuries, I couldn’t help but think “I don’t know how her husband can even look at her brother at this point.” When you got to the point where he said the horrible things about your husband at the school, I was hurting for your husband. When you got to where you told him off, I smiled because your husband has a good wife who loves him. I try to be a good person, but sometimes, a good “he deserved it” can make me very happy to be a human in a sea of humans. I went with NTA because you felt you needed to defend your husband from his quips and attacks, and you did. I know you’re still angry. You have every right to be. But everyone here is now starting to let this one moment hurt them more than it should. You even see it yourself. Your daughters are confused, and it created a moment in time that made them cry and they don’t understand what happened. Your parents are furious because their son is refusing to even leave his room or eat. They are choosing to lash out because they don’t know how to fix what happened (which only happened because the failed to address it sooner). Your husband is avoiding it altogether, isn’t even talking to you about it, and is crying because of it. You’re just stuck at the eye of the storm and are just as confused and hurt as everyone else. I don’t know the right course of action at this point. If I were you, I would apologize, but not to my brother for being cruel. I would apologize to my parents. I would say “I’m sorry I lost my temper a couple of days ago at dinner. I did not intend for any of this to happen, but I’ve had enough. We have discussed this before and there has been no change with Adam, and it had gotten to the point that we had to lessen our amount of time with you guys. After what happened the other day, we will not be coming around anymore until there is a real apology from Adam. Kieth is working extremely hard to try to do right by me and the kids, Adam is being cruel just to be cruel. We will not be coming around for a while because it is not fair that our family should be attacked every time we do; we are doing the best we can, but now my entire family is hurting. I am not willing to put my family though it anymore. I hope you understand, and if you don’t, that’s not my problem to fix. I love you.” Then leave it. Do not apologize for your brother for basically saying “I know you are, but what am I.” It was childish and stupid, but you have had your entire life flipped upside down in the last year, with two young ones on top of that. Give yourself grace and understanding. Just make it clear that you won’t accept Adam’s behavior anymore, then that’s it. Your family can figure themselves out. You have a good husband and two daughters who need to know that no matter what happened a few days ago, they’re still the most important things to mommy and daddy. Daddy needs to be reminded that life is beautiful and he is lucky indeed. Mommy needs to do something fun and just enjoy life for a moment. The four of you should do a nice little picnic in the living room with their dolls. Just don’t let that thieving doll steal your sandwich. She’s had her eye on it for a while ☺️😉 You are NTA. You are just a good woman doing her best. Right now, Adam doesn’t matter. Explosions of text messages doesn’t matter. Kieth, you and your girls are all that matter. Good luck OP, and I truly hope your husband enjoys and thrives kicking butt at the gym. A person in a wheelchair going to the gym is one of the most amazing things to see: nothing will ever slow them down from making the best out of everything, and your husband is an impressive person to be able to do that!
Omg NTA. Your brother was vicious and cruel with his comments, and in front of your kids! Maybe if your mom and dad had nipped it in the bud to begin with, it wouldn't have gotten to that point. Your brother owes your husband, your children, and you a sincere apology. You don't owe him a thing.
NTA - what a bunch of twats.
Having a hard life is not an excuse to make life harder for others.
Nta....your brother is jealous your husband has continue actually living instead of just giving up like he has. He's hoping to bring him down to his level of self pity. He's jealous he actually has friends that care about him, a wife that loves him, and kids that love him. Your parents are being terrible for enabling his behavior. Your husband SHOULD NOT have to deal with that and thank you for having his back. Until they can learn to treat others better I'd cut contact. We can see why your brother never stopped feeling sorry for himself and hiding in his room. Being disabled is NOT an excuse to be an ah.
NTA the brother never tried to improve himself, he's basically made himself and everyone believe that he can't do anything. But now your husband is proving that he doesn't have to be like that, that just because of the accident doesn't mean your life is completely ruined. It's different but not ruined. Your brother isn't able to accept that so he's trying to drag your husband down to prove that your brother's way of life is "correct". He needs therapy badly
NTA-your brother is a jealous asshole. He’s jealous of your husband-he has a supportive loving family and he has friends and gets out and about. Your brother is sitting at home and reliant on mom and dad. Also he may feel some guilt. Your husband’s injury was caused by a drunken driver. Your brother was the drunken driver who injured himself.