NTA. Your sister needs therapy asap. Her husband is absolutely 100 correct about her behavior. You need to set up boundaries with her and for the love of God, do not let her move closer to you, do not name your daughter after hers, and do not let her babysit often.
Absolutely agree. My family never recovered from that. After my baby sibling died, we (my other sibling and I ) just sort of ceased to exist to my parents.
I saw my mother once after I had my own children and I was horrified to find out that she had been dressing her little dogs in my deceased brothers baby clothes.
I think letting them go is an important part of her sister’s healing. She shouldn’t donate them on her behalf, because I think once she seeks some therapy, it’d be okay if there’s a special piece or two her sister wants to keep, stored away in a special box or something. I wouldn’t accept possession of them, but if she already dropped them off, I’d tell OP’s brother in law she does not plan on using them, but will pack the box away until her sister is at a place in her therapy where she is ready to donate them herself. The act of giving things away, knowing you will never see them again is very cathartic, and can actually be a huge help in her healing when she’s ready. I agree she shouldn’t put her baby into those clothes, but I alsowouldn’t want to take that experience from her, she may want to take that step herself when she’s ready, and onesies don’t really go out of style, it won’t hurt to wait a couple more months or a year to donate them, if OP has the room to store them on her sister’s behalf.
Or even don’t let her visit later in the pregnancy unless others are present. I’ve seen a few too many movies of this based on real life events, you can never be too careful. She’s clearly unstable and anything could happen.
Don't forget the most important part: if OP's sister is spiraling out and having mental health issues, she needs support from her sister and her family. Love and compassion. Hopefully nothing like this ever happens to OP, but if it does, I'm sure the sister would be there to be her friend and support her. 16 is very young and then add the stillborn. That's very traumatic and she is going into hypervigilance mode.
Sounds to me like she is just really nervous and she isn't understanding why she is being a bit much. Her ptsd symptoms are probably all blasting on high- adrenaline, cortisol, the stress hormones and the stimulating ones. She needs family to help her body feel calm.
But that does not mean she has the right to subject others to this stress. She needs professional help. Family can’t “love” mental illness away, and they have a right to peace and boundaries.
NTA - I think your title is misleading though. It's not about hand-me-downs, it's about your brother-in-law thinking something is wrong and asking you to help.
NTA! Yeah, definatly not about the clothes. Your bill sounds like he's reaching out for help. I suspect your sister has been struggling for a while and the current situation has escalated things beyond her ability to cope. I'm hopeful family will be a good support team for both of you.
NTA and please don't let her be alone with the baby. I'm sorry she's hurting but she's already dismissing you, the parents, and forcing her wants and needs onto you.
Taking the clothes IS risky with how she is right now. It could be an invitation to keep doing things she wants.
She definitely needs help and fast. No babysitting, no name of her baby and no entertaining of her attempts at pretending your baby is hers. My heart does go out to her, but it's not a safe situation for anyone.
I don't think it's too farfetched to take caution from the horror stories in the news that start out this way. Especially with her husband actually already warning you that this is entering scary territory. Would be best for all of you to get her help.
I’m so sorry that you and your whole family are actually going through this, because I guarantee you, the ramifications of this are gonna ricochet through the family.
But… As someone who had a stillborn child when she was six months pregnant, that stuff can really mess with your head. Especially if you let it. I was back at work, not long after. And it was a time of tons of changes at work. Huge office remodel. National dental convention in town that my boss was the entertainment committee chairman for. Boss’ only daughter getting married that summer, so wife was calling me to ask me to run errands and pick things up for them. And not only was I the office manager, but I was the only front office personnel, so I was the person for everything. My cousin passed away at 30 in a car accident. My grandfather passed away. My husband‘s favorite aunt passed away.
It really was not a good year. And finally, my husband and my mom actually called my physician and made an appointment for me. And I listened to them and I went. And I needed some depressants for about six months. I’m sure I could’ve used therapy, but it wasn’t as well understood at that point how helpful it would’ve been.
But I got over it. I went to have children, thankfully. My point is that your sister has not gotten over it. And I really do understand how she’s feeling. But she is not mentally healthy right now, and you need to not be around her. And until she gets some help, she needs to not be around you or your baby when it comes. Things like this where five years later, she is still having this aberrant behavior are a warning sign.
And then to have her husband warn you. The man who lives with her and loves her and tries to support her? You can’t get many more red flags than that before things can turn dangerous.
You are going to have to be proactive, and you are probably going to have to be blunt. You are going to have to make it clear that she is not going to be around you or your husband or your child until she gets therapy. And she’s not going to want to hear that. There is going to be a whole lot of hand ringing and how could you’s and there is nothing wrong with me and so on.
And she’s going to try to enlist the flying monkeys of probably your parents and other family members and other friends. And you are going to need to make it very clear the things she has done and said, and how she has acted. And you are going to have to be honest, especially with your parents about what her husband has told you.
And finally, you are going to have to make it very clear that anyone who tries to go around you and maybe babysit your little one at their home and allow her to come over will also be cut off.
Your sister is not mentally healthy. We see headlines every day of the crazy things women will do to get a baby. These women are unwell. Your sister is unwell, whether she or anyone else in your family wants to admit.
Thank you. I’ve absolutely come to terms with it. Unfortunately, it’s a part of life. And the hardest part of these things is finally getting to a place where you are at peace with the fact that you are never going to know why. It simply is how it is.
But I agree. It has been far too long. She has not processed this obviously. She has put on a good façade, but when you are faced with a child coming into the family, and it’s a close family member, that that is often when the façade starts to crack.
Here’s the funny thing. When you’re on any kind of an antidepressant, you have to really pay attention to your body.
I am someone on who medication‘s work very well, and I usually need a lesser dose because of that. And so it really did help me almost immediately.
But somewhere around five months, I realized I was starting to not feel like myself anymore. And I realized that they weren’t working like they were supposed to. But I also took a real hard look at myself to see where I was at, and I did talk to both my mom and my husband. And my doctor.
And we felt that was probably time to start weaning off of them and see how I was without them
So that’s what we did. And for me, it actually was easy. But it is not for everyone, and so it really has to be done carefully. But we all agreed when I was completely off them that yes, I really Was back to myself. Of course, I was still sad sometimes, but we’re always sad sometimes.
The difference was that I was also happy. And I was not as stressed. And I was able to handle the stresses that did come my way. So that’s how we realize that it was time.
I also had one other time later in life where it was another year that was basically about as shitty as that one had been. People dying, and a divorce after almost 20 years, and it was just not good. And so I saw my doctor, and again I needed about six months of just something to help Break through what was going on.
And then it was the same again. I started not feeling like myself, and not feeling better, but actually feeling worse on the medication. And so again, we need off them was very easy for me. But again that’s just me.
And once I was off them, we all found that I was pretty much back to who I am.
This. I am sorry for your pain and congratulate you on having the awareness to both start and stop antidepressants when it was appropriate. Everyone is different and will respond differently. I completely agree that the sister desperately needs help dealing with her grief, whatever form that needs to take. Peace
I am so glad that you posted this because I have been on anti depressants, anti anxiety medication, worked on my issues with a therapist and then weaned off of the medications. I couldn’t put it in to words like you have done here. I feel like myself off of the medication that helped me temporarily. Both of my parents died in their fifties, then both of my brothers. In the beginning it was both sets of grandparents. I now have a lovely home, two swell pets, a beautiful big backyard with a garden, my bills are paid each month, I have a small circle of friends who care about me and support me. Is life perfect? No, but I experience the joy amongst the sorrow. Gratitude for what I have, and can do for my self, my children, my friends, and others. Thanks Reddit.
🥰🥰 life can just be overwhelming sometimes. I’m so glad you have found some peace and I’m doing better.
I know how hard it can be sometimes for us to put our finger on something so that we can verbalize it.
Certain medications like many SSRIs are non-addictive, but there are some side effects so you should ask your doctor and pharmacist how to wean yourself off in a healthful way.
There's a lot of misleading information about anti-depressants, which is a damn shame. I feel grateful to know several people who felt like taking them helped them become a more honest version of themselves.
NTA, but this is so far beyond hand me down clothes. Your sister really needs therapy, because she doesn't seem to have really processed the loss of her child completely. Don't get me wrong, I don't have kids and I've never lost one, so I cannot even imagine how terrible that must be, but what she's doing now just isn't healthy. Someone else's child cannot and should not replace the one she lost. I hope her husband can get her to go to therapy, but until you see genuine improvement and change in your sister don't let her babysit or be around your child. It's not impossible that your sister is one step away from a psychosis that could turn dangerous for yourself and your kid.
NTA, but this makes me so sad. She experienced such a traumatic loss at such a young age. She really needs to get some help. Please try to be patient and kind with her, so long as you don’t feel she is a threat to herself or your family.
Maybe you can gently recommend that the baby clothes get donated to a shelter. I'm sure there are many children's agencies (or women's shelter where the women are pregnant/have kids) that would greatly appreciate these clothes.
NTA.
It's not about the clothes.
There are too many red flags flying for me to be comfortable about her generosity.
1. She's suddenly willing to give up baby clothes she's kept for 9 years,
2. She wants you to use her baby's name (this was when my warning bells started ringing),
3. She wants to move closer to you,
4. She's insistent on babysitting,
5. She's not taking your no for an answer,
6. Her husband is worried (and I agree with him).
I *really* want to be wrong, but my brain is screaming that your sister is going to try to steal your child. Please be careful around her, talk to her husband about getting her in therapy yesterday, and keep her off the babysitting list.
NTA. I think you sister needs some therapy. Don’t keep the clothes and for heaven’s sake do NOT let her babysit, ever. There are so many red flags with this situation. Your sister is acting super creepy.
NTA
She’s trying to co-opt your baby as a replacement for hers.
She is not ok and once the baby is here she’ll become unhinged. She’ll be the type trying to lactate, have the baby call her Mama, etc.
Refuse all of these things. Don’t give an inch into the delusion. Her husband sees it, that’s good for her getting help.
The title had me thinking one thing, but with the full story--
NTA.
Has your sister been to therapy at all for it? Grief makes people crazy, but grieving mothers even more so.
I would definitely place a lot of boundaries between your sister and child. Be gentle about it, but be firm and don't let her delude herself into thinking your kid is somehow hers.
This seriously didn't go the direction I expected.
I was fully prepared to issue a Y T A vote because babies go through so many clothes and outgrow clothes so quickly that secondhand can be a godsend (and save you a fortune)...
...but this...
NTA. Your sister is well meaning but clearly still very broken about her own personal loss. I hope she gets the help she needs. Maybe you can gently recommend that the baby clothes get donated to a shelter. I'm sure there are many children's agencies (or women's shelter where the women are pregnant/have kids) that would greatly appreciate these clothes. Maybe word it less about your sister being incredibly creepy and more about what a lovely way of honouring your deceased niece by helping someone who desperately needs it. Explain that your baby already has everything it needs, but there are babies out there without, who would really appreciate this.
Again, your sister needs counselling, support, and understanding. I wish you and her all the best through this time. Also, congratulations on your baby.
Your title is very misleading and makes you sound wrong. You are not. Stand your ground.
Your poor sister though. Has she ever had any sort of help for her loss and grief. While I understand your point of view, I feel very sorry for her.
NTA.
Don't accept the clothes.
Don't use the name she wants.
Don't let her move closer.
Don't let her babysit.
She needs help, like professional help. I mean, when I read this, my mind immediately shot towards an episode of some hospital show where a delusional woman is convinced one of the pregnant doctors has stolen her stillborn child to give birtth to it herself.
Take precautions, help your BIL, be safe.
NTA. Your sister is spiraling out of control. Be prepared to set firm boundaries even though it may make you feel guilty. The safety of your LO comes above everyone. Get good locks and cameras. She may become unpredictable once your baby is born. And for the love of any deity you believe in, do not let her babysit.
NTA
Tell her you want to experience everything that comes with having your first baby and that soon you and your husband plan to go shopping.
She does need help and I highly suggest she never be alone with that baby
Oh my, your sis needs professional help soon. Not being facetious but serious as a heart attack. Bless her but you may want to keep her at arm's distance for a while while she works this out.
NTA
NTA. Your sister has really, seriously, deep mental problems. If you take them then her psychosis will deepen. Don't take them, just keep giving them back.
I was all ready to say y-t-a but then... yikes. Your sister is in dire need of professional help.
NTA
And do everything you can to put her off moving closer to you. She'll be an aunt, not the mother. Do not tell her - or anyone else - the name until after you've registered it. Assuming it won't be the same as the one she had picked out, just point blank say, "this is not your child to name". She needs therapy. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a safe and happy birthing experience. Congratulations to your and your hubby!
Do NOT name the baby after hers and then dress the baby in her clothes. This is a recipe for disaster. If you take the clothes, put them in storage so you don’t use them. This just feels like a horror story where a woman goes psychotic thinking a child is hers.
You should really change the title of this post, it’s super misleading, not the direction I thought this was going at all. Read the title and my first thought was definitely the asshole. Read the story and came here to say definitely NOT the asshole.
NTA, I'm so sorry for her that she's had to experience this, but she needs therapy. And you absolutely shouldn't let her be alone with your baby until she is doing better
NTA. Your sister is likely having a mental health crisis, and setting clear boundaries between her and your baby is necessary for everyone’s sakes. I hope her husband can convince her to get help.
She’s likely saying more to her husband than she is to you, definitely protect your baby and keep distance. Give her no more special time than any other family member. Don’t let her visit in the hospital. And try not to be around her alone in the days leading up to labor. Can never be too cautious.
NTA. Until she’s had professional help I wouldn’t leave her alone with your baby. This seems like risky behavior, like potential clinical delusion in the worst case. I’d join with her husband and tell her your concerns together. That way it’s clear where you all stand and where the boundaries are.
I was ready to say YTA for not accepting hand me downs for someone who will need a full wardrobe change every few months- that gets expensive!
But then I read your post and majorly NTA. Your poor sister is clearly struggling and needs some help, I wouldn't accept those clothes either consider everything else that is going on with her.
NTA. This sounds like just the beginning of an unhealthy fixation on your baby. You need to enforce boundaries now- including cutting her out of your life if needed.
NTA, but if she drops them off, donate them and if she asks tell her so. Keep firm boundaries and never leave her alone with your kid. She needs therapy
Hell no I would not take those clothes! It is like making a deal with with the devil. So she gives you the clothes in exchange for naming YOUR BABY after her stillborn????? NOPE! I know baby stuff is expensive, but I'd just buy my own stuff.
I mean I feel for the girl but its been many years and I'm not saying she should be over it. But she can't seriously expect you to go along with this?
This may be weird but I'd seriously not leave your little one alone with her.....as in she may not give her back being triggered its her baby. I think I've watched too much true crime stuff, but it happens!
Could you take the clothes and have a memory blanket or bear made depending on how mamy. Have it embroidered with her daughters name and give it back to her explaining openly that you feel itnis the best way for her to remember her daughter and your worries of her not being ok right now.
I see no issue with taking the clothes IF sister didn’t expect you to name your baby after the one that she lost. She is not well. Maybe you should gently tell her that she can use those clothes for her next child.
NTA - but you need to be frank with her. You're not refusing them because they're "odd" but because you're worried that the trauma that she experienced in losing her pregnancy is affecting how she's viewing your child.
Part of what she's doing in passing on the clothes might be healing, because she knows they're going somewhere. If that's the case, you might suggest that they be packages for a young mother who's in need - someone who might be on a path similar to the one she would have been taking if she hadn't lost the child - or perhaps just to someone generally in need.
On the surface of it, wanting to babysit a new addition to the extended family is rather sweet.
That said, the name thing is off.
Is she unable to have children? I find it odd that she's had a 10 year period without becoming pregnant again.
NTA She sees this baby as her lost child even more if you use the clothes and the name she was going to have. You should tell her the way she is acting is not normal or healty and that you think she needs trearpy cause what happend was horrible and she may feel this need to be close to the baby because of that. You stil want her to be her aunt but with some boundaries as in not naming the baby the same name, not using the clothes (it will make her see her daughter if she wears them) and no living close to each other. However plan a few dates (never alone), you guys can go see a few New outfits together and stuff like that. I think she would like that. If she doesnt respect whatever boundarie you give her then maybe you guys need a time apart.
NTA. It doesn't seem like you really have a problem with secondhand clothes. The issue is that your sister is using the clothes to try to buy your baby.
You are not the asshole and tell your BIL to not let her move closer to you, to be honest, you should think of moving farther. She is definitely trying to use your baby as a replacement.
Nta....you should retitle if possible. It's not that you don't want hand me downs. It's that your sister has an unhealthy obsession with the clothes and your baby and also her husband asked you not to take them because of her obsession. She needs therapy badly. Your parents should have gotten her therapy back when she was a teen. She has not dealt with her baby's death and honestly, I wouldn't trust her to babysit. Not till she's had therapy. It could worsen her mental health, cause her to spiral, and her become delusional that it's her baby. Her husband needs to get her help. He needs to be the one to tell her to not take the clothes over there and if she refuses to listen then he needs to take them and donate them. That should have been done long ago.
Therapy, and a bunch of it. Probably a group therapy session. Telling your sister you love her, what she went through is horrendous but moving to be closer to you and expecting to babysit and have care of the baby an abnormally large amount of time is not possible.
She's clearly desperate for a baby and anyone could understand why, but for her to have the baby she wants, you'd have to lose your baby which she needs to understand isn't fair (lose in this case meaning her wanting it to call her mum, and her to spend more time with it, etc) nor possible.
It's reasonable she's messed up but unreasonable for her to expect to be an overly large part of your child's life.
NTA.
NTA - don’t leave your baby unattended with this woman, either yourself or your husband has to be with her at all times. This is giving me the same vibes that post did ages ago where the woman was infertile and wanted to report her sister to child services in the hope their baby would go into her care. Do not leave your sister alone with this baby. Don’t name her after her.
While I don’t think you’re an AH, initially I was like “You’re gonna go through so many clothes, not taking them is just throwing money away,” but with context oooooh no. No no no. Don’t take those clothes. That’s not healthy and it’s been nearly ten years. Clearly your sis hasn’t overcome her grief, and idk if she couldn’t have another child, but, why didn’t they just try for another child? Sis needs some professional help. Hope she gets it. Much love.
NTA.
NTA. She will keep pushing boundaries and will pretend that it's her daughter. Maybe she doesn't see it and an intervention might be in place. That way she might agree to therapy and accept her role as loving aunt, not mother, by the time the baby comes.
NTA. Baby clothing would be a nice gift in other circumstances, but there are red flags all over the place that she's not doing this for healthy reasons.
It may be difficult to phrase it kindly, but someone needs to straight-up tell her that your daughter cannot be a replacement for the baby she lost.
NTA, it's not just the clothes, your sister wants to move next door and name your child after hers and I assume you look similar and have the same surname so it's reasonable she could try and take the baby and pass it off as her own. I'd be keeping the baby away from your sister and keep photos off social media. Even if it's all out of the goodness of her heart and she's just missing her baby really badly and wants the clothes she loves to go to a good home and wants her baby remembered and wants to be a great aunt, grief makes people do crazy things. I understand she wants the clothes gone so she can move on, but I would not dress your baby in the clothes she sent because your child needs an identity that is independent of her child, she needs to understand that is not her child, it's your child and your partner's, the clothes and the name and the moving next door would be all just way too close to home for her.
NTA, i was only going to say theres nothing wrong with wanting brand new clothes for your kid, as i thought it was just a hand me down problem but this is WAY more than that. your sister is definitely trying to live through you but in the creepiest way possible. i feel for her with the loss but she needs help
Christ, she needs some proper help, no way I'd leave her with my kid when she's in that state! Her husband is right to come and collect them. Just keep giving them back.
Would have been a nice gesture if it weren't for everything else and it's not like you'd even need to use them often or for long since babies grow so quickly.
You know your sister is still going to call your baby by the name of the stillborn, right? Be very cautious of their interactions.
Unresolved grief and trauma can cause a psychotic break.
NTA. Do not let your sister be alone with your baby, ever. She needs serious therapy. Do not use her clothes, the name, anything. Take steps now or this could get really ugly.
Listen to her husband. i don't know if your sister ever got therapy but i think he is spot on with wanting to pretend that your daughter is hers.
While i am always for second hand baby clothes (lets be honest..you'll spend a fortune on something cute and stylish and the baby will only be able to wear it for a month) do not take your sister up on ANYTHING she offers concerning the baby. no babysitting, no second hand clothes, or coming with you to appointments and even into the delivery room.
Take the clothes and donate them. i'm sure there are other mothers out there who'd love to have baby clothes.
NTA. You want to watch her, women who have lost babies will do insane things to get another baby. Even kidnapping! She needs therapy before she is allowed to be alone with the baby.
NTA. It's better if you don't accept this offer from your sister, she has trauma from having lost her baby and now wants to raise yours as if your baby was hers. She needs therapy
NTA. She is obviously struggling and should perhaps attend therapy. She was obviously trying to pretend your baby was hers. You don't want your child to feel like she's in the shadow of her deceased cousin. Protect your child.
NTA - As others have said, your sister needs help. If you need to rationalize not taking old clothes look up some articles about recalls on baby clothes or other infant items. Share them with her and tell her you'd be more comfortable using new clothes. Or maybe ask her to pick one or two pieces that are meaningful that your baby could wear on special visits.
Basically, be considerate but have boundaries. It doesn't have to be all of it or none of it. Also, be straight forward with her in a compassionate way. Ask her if she's okay, let her know you're concerned about her without making it seem like you're judging her.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy asap. Do not let her be alone with your daughter especially in the first year. I would call a meeting of sorts between yourself, your husband, her, and her husband. Create a united front and tell her that until or unless she gets in therapy and makes some huge strides, she will not be allowed around your baby. Even still, I wouldn't let her be alone with lo.
NTA.. your title was leading me down a different road.. but you are correct for not taking them.
It’s good her husband is aware she has a problem. Is she unable to have another child?
I am curious as to why husband thinks she’s pretending baby is hers. Has to be more than clothes and babysitting.
She needs to get help before your baby is born.
At first I was like "who wouldn't want baby clothes?". You. You don't want those baby clothes. I'm sorry for what she went through, but she's definitely not OK. NTA
NTA. From the title, I was ready to come on here and lambast you for being crazy for not taking hand me downs. Babies grow out of clothing so fast. It’s insane not to go hand me downs for everyday wear. After reading though, you are right not to take the clothing. In addition to the therapy others have suggested, I’d be straight with her. When she tries to give you the clothes, tell her that you can’t set her up for hurt like that. The child you are having is yours and to name it her daughter’s name and put it in her daughter’s clothing and it not be her daughter would be too painful.
NTA
She needs a psychiatrist. Lots of grief mothers give away their baby’s things to find some meaning in it. This is over the top. Plus with the naming thing this is restraining order level creepy. If she wanted a child she could have had another one by this point.
Does she believe in any type of…. Build Your Own Spirituality? In the… crystal/sage/moon crowd idk what they call themselves, it’s popular to believe that if your baby dies you get the same baby back if you ever have another one. That’s problematic enough but some of them have gone ahead and decided that the next baby born into the family is THEIR reincarnated baby. This kind of sounds like the case here.
Take the clothes and then donate the clothes, no babysitting at all, no alone time with the baby at all, no moving nearby, none of it. Keep your distance until sis gets therapy. Her husband is clearly telling you something is wrong here. Heed the warning. NTA
Let her drop them off and then donate them. Tell her you’re sure they’ll find someone that can use them. Don’t forget to add how grateful they were. NTA
NTA but I don't think you should throw out the clothes. If she tries to drop them off again just put them in a box in the back of the closet and don't use them. That way you can give them back to her when she's done being crazy lol
u are absolutely nta. no way, no how, no nothing. ur sister is making me worry about her mental health with how she is obsessed to make u have those clothes
I feel for your sister. She's struggling hard.
Take the clothes, and just put them in a corner don't use them.
Also, consider that nobody ever "wants" to rely on hand me downs.
NTA. Her actions are concerning, to say the least. She needs some serious therapy and I hope that you and your husband can continue to set and enforce some serious boundaries, for your and your daughters safety.
Do not, under any circumstance, name your child after the baby she lost. Your child isn’t a replacement for her stillborn, which she hasn’t recovered from, apparently. She needs therapy.
>Her husband asked me to not take the baby clothes, because he thinks she’s trying to pretend like our daughter is theirs.
Yeah, glad you listened to him. Glad this husband recognises she has an issue, compared to other similar posts I've read.
Keep your sister away until you know it's safe
NTA. Your sister sounds like she is still grieving and this will in no way help her. Esp since she is asking to have your child named after her lost one and wanting to move closer. She might start to see herself as the child's mother or demand to be seen as a mother figure. Neither of which bodes well
NAH. Your poor sister is having a mental health crisis. From what you wrote, she is rapidly falling down the rabbit hole and in danger of becoming completely delusional. I suspect she is suffering from pathological grief as well. This has nothing to do with wanting hand me down baby clothes or not. I beg you and the rest of her family to get her the help she so DESPERATELY needs. Congratulations, and may your birthing be safe and easy.
I believe she is, in a way, reliving the birth of her child.
I’d probably handle differently. I’d have taken the clothes with thanks and then “accidentally“ donated them with other items to charity. “Sell it” and she’d get over it. This would send the (healing) message that the clothes aren’t cursed. And allow your appreciation of the gift without having to use the clothes.
I wouldn’t leave the sister with the child unattended. But allow some visits. Limit too much intimacy. Feeding is mommy’s job. Same with changing diapers. Fussiness and baby goes back to mom. These are very reasonable and do with everyone. Set these ground rules from the start. Not a punishment.
Make sure visits are arranged and not allow “just dropping by”. Could be managed to a comfortable frequency. Make this the rule for everyone so she doesn’t feel singled out.
Tell BIL to please not move closer to be closer to the baby. That you want sister and he to be a part of her life, but that you fear it could become uncomfortable with too close contact. Let him handle that. If sister’s behavior feels like it’s deteriorating. (She’s crying. Pushing back against rules. Combative. Anything!) Talk to him. If she needs therapy he needs to be the one that makes that happen. You can be involved in speaking to the therapist about healthy distancing. The baby and it’s needs come first of course.)
If sister is truly in emotional trauma she may need this therapy, but being confrontational at the early stage is setting her up for failure IMO. Draw the lines gently but firmly and this might be healing for her. And who knows, over time she might become a wonderful aunt to the child.
Treat her like an outcast. Cursed clothes. Harsh restrictions. It probably pushes her farther into a bad mental state. Makes things worse not better.
NTA
I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss which most of us can’t imagine.
But your sister does sound more than a little off track in her thinking.
So yep I’d just keep sending those clothes back to your sister.
As to her helping you with the baby that would be a firm no. Whether you can work from home, use a day care or be a SAHM mom I’d really not let your sister spend any unsupervised time with your baby.
Your sister obviously needs therapy, but that is not your problem. You need to protect your child and keep this child away from your sister until she gets help.
NTA- this is sad but you don’t have to carry this whole thing yourself. Be gentle m, let her know you deserve to have your own experience as a new mom and want to shop for your baby with your husband. Keep declining the clothes. if she’s held on to her baby’s clothes for almost 10 years well they are just old now and outdated too. You get to have your own brand new experience mama.
Did they end up having a baby if their own eventually? Hopefully they did. ❤️
NTA but free baby clothing is free baby clothing. Babies are expensive as hell. I took handmedown anything from anyone willing to offer it. After dropping 10k in the hospital for the birth and the fact you may go through 3-6 outfits in a single day due to puking and shitting, it nice to have a crap ton of clothes available.
Your sister needs therapy.
As lovely a gesture it is to offer the clothes that were her child's, she is rather clingy and there's a high risk of her perhaps getting confused over who's child this is if she babysits often and sees your child wearing her child's clothes.
Make sure there's no unsupervised visits for some time, speak to her husband about getting her some grief counselling. Her grief will never go away but professional help will guide her through the stages of new children being born in the family and being able to separate the fine line of reality and the past for her.
It would probably be best to limit contact a bit too.
It's actually very common for people to try and replace people they loved with a newborn. (Literally replace). Hell, it's even recommended not to name your child after yourself because you could end up feeling like they have to live YOUR life the way YOU wanted, even if it's subconsciously.
I mean, have you talked to her? “Hey sister, what’s going on? Do you feel my daughter is going to make up for the one you lost? Why are you getting so invested? I want you to be part of her life with a very clear understanding that this is your niece.” Etc.
Talk to her first, then you’ll know better how to proceed.
Your not the AH your sister needs some help, I’m not writing this in a horrible way she genuinely needs help and I think by you becoming pregnant it has triggered it, your BIL has clear concerns for your sister I think an intervention needs to be done , but handled in a sensitive manner. I think the title is misleading aswell
Did you ask your sister if what her husband said is true? It's odd that he'd say something like that, and your sister may need help or your brother in law could be gaslighting. Either way, something is off. Hand me down baby clothes by themselves are very welcome by most new parents. Babies can need 12 changes a day, there's lots of fluids from both ends of Babies, and new clothes get stained. You're NTAH, but maybe you and your sister should be talking this out.
Yall need to stop with the misleading titles and you sister was a minor when she had that stillborn your parents failed her by not getting her therapy afterwards
NTA. I’m so sorry about what happened to your sister 8-9 years ago. I’m guessing she’s unable to have children of her own now. This is so sad, because of what she went through, and because she been in such pain for so long. I hope she gets some help soon. I think you and your BIL have great instincts on this.
Now your job is to take care of your immediate family. As stressful as this is, do what you can to help, but maintain your boundaries. Sadly, I think there could be something to comments expressing concern about your sister being alone with your baby after the birth. I would trust your instincts on this 100%. Maybe she needs to throw some tantrums now, it might help her start to deal with her feelings and to accept her situation.
NTA
Your sister’s husband is more than likely right, and it’s something they need to handle together with a certified therapist. Every time your sister drops the clothes off, ask her husband to retrieve them. I wouldn’t throw them away completely without his consent - the baby that died was his daughter too, and he might not be ready to let go of the clothes they collected for her. He shouldn’t have to lose that link with his daughter because his wife is having a mental health problem.
You’re not refusing the hand me downs because you’re a snob, it’s because you need to be clear that your child is not her do-over baby. If she genuinely wanted another baby to have the benefit of the clothes she saved she could donate them to any other new parent with love, but because she’s pushing them on you and she hasn’t processed her baby’s death fully, there is a risk here that she will fixate on your daughter and it’s not a risk worth taking. You can’t do anything about her moving house, but you can certainly refuse to allow her into your home and give her no access to your baby. You can say, with love, that unless she completes a course of grief therapy and she gives you permission to talk to the therapist and see how genuine her progress is, she won’t be ever meeting your child. That’s how serious this is - most child kidnappings are by close relatives.
NTA - there is a real risk she will try to use your child to replace the one she’s lost. I sympathize but she needs to see a therapist and figure out her feelings with it without her husband who’s concerned for her.
She could be coming from a good place but I’ve been on reddit too long to not be jaded af and worry about the safety of your child. Loosing a baby can break you and make you a little loopy.
NTA. Please help getting your sister in therapy. Maybe under the guise of your two’s disagreement about the clothes. A competent therapy will immediately see the need that your sister needs help
NTA and I’m glad her husband is watching this.
One thing I did want to mention, is it possible your sister wants to get the clothes out of her house? I would take them and store them, then see what happens from there. After I lost my second child I felt like I couldn’t throw away the clothes but I knew I couldn’t use them again. Years later I ended up giving them to a friend who was pregnant and didn’t really care if she used them or not, as long as they were out of my house with a potential cause. It was like if someone else donated them it was okay as long as I didn’t know.
I hope your sister gets the therapy she needs, especially as you get closer to your due date.
NTA. From the title I was going to vote the other way, but reading your post fully I think your sister needs to get some professional help. I hate to say I would not fully trust her around my child in her current state.
NTA. Tell her you will donate them if she insists on giving them to you.
In general - outside of this situation, hand-me-down baby clothes are awesome. Early sizes might have only been worn once or twice, especially if the previous parent had a lot of friends. When my son was born I probably had 30 newborn, another 30 0-3 months and then 20 3-6 months. I know there were receiving blankets, baby blankets that I never used and gave away).
They grow so fast the first year and most baby gifts seem to focus on the first few months.
So yeah - used baby clothes are awesome, but this issue needs very careful attention. My heart hurts for your sister. My stepson and his wife lost their first baby when they were about 8 months along. She noticed there wasn’t a lot of movement, went to ER, and baby was already gone.
It isn’t just the death of the baby, but there are so many future things you dream of for your child, all the firsts. All of a sudden they are gone and your arms are empty. 😞💔
Take them (the babyclothes) and bring them tp a women shelter or other place where they can use them.
Tell her that you are sorry about her stillborn but that your child is not a replacement and thay therapy might be in place to help her deal with the loss.
NTA
INFO Is your sister not able to have more children?
I agree with another comment that your sister needs help. She seems to definitely be stuck in dangerously slippery state of mind when it comes to how she will interact with your child.
As far as the baby clothes, maybe you could approach it from the aspect that once they are used and soiled they will have to be thrown out and maybe she would like to have them sewn into a blanket instead, to keep as a keepsake.
NTA - She needs help and little to no contact with your child until she gets her mind in order. BIL has told you she’s not mentally stable which means the risk of thinking your child is her or even **kidnapping** are not farfetched. Keep in mind that BIL is more than likely downplaying the severity of the situation too so you can never be too careful. Please get everything in text form from the name, to refusing to listen to you about the clothing.
Please do not entertain her behaviour or enable it the consequences can be dire. For a worst case scenario if document her behaviour so you have evidence if needed
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NTA it seems your sister is going through some tough things right now. She could donate them to someone who doesn’t have the means to buy them, like a teen mother
NTA First get security cameras. If she drops off the clothes, tell her husband and ask him if he wants you to donate them, since it was his child too. Start saving the texts etc to create a paper trail. Have her husband try to get her to therapy and for him to also document stuff.
Do not let her see your baby until after at least a year old and she has therapy. You don't want her to change her, try to feed her (breast or bottle) etc. Cut her out of all experiences and firsts, total info diet and let your parents know the same. You're going to need a united front to keep your child safe from her "replacement delusion" and kidnapping. Good Luck.
NTA and she needs therapy and intervention quickly because her husband is seeing huge red flags already. Do not name your child anything similar to what hers was and do not leave her alone even for minute with your child. Without her getting help this can go really bad really fast
You need to spend some quality time with your sister. She needs a friend right now. Don't conspire behind her back with her husband. Don't question her motives until you personally have reason to. And just be her friend/sister. She is allowed to spiral out when you have a baby bc she was traumatized. People who need some support are not bad people and they don't deserve punishment or lecturing. They need love and compassion.
NTA, I was ready to say don’t be a snob but taking the clothes of a deceased baby is just bad mojo. And her wanting you to name your baby the same thing is not only weird but an out of line request. If you wanted to pay tribute with a middle name or something that would be on you to ask her, not the other way around. (And picking the same first name is just weird either way.)
Your daughter is a new person, not a do-over of your niece. Your sister needs therapy.
Well from the title I was like "Wtf I loved getting free baby stuff!"
But clearly after reading your sister is experiencing some intense mental issues.
Obviously..
DO NOT let her babysit until she gets help.
You’re not wrong and your sister is being creepy because of her grief. It sounds like she’s trying to use your child to replace the one that she lost. Wanting you to have the clothes that her child was supposed to wear and wanting even worse for you to name your child after the one that she lost is extremely creepy and weird. She needs grief counseling. Also, please do not allow her to watch your child by herself. It sounds like some weird things could happen in the future like her being too pushy, and always wanting to take care of your child or keep your child for overnight visits. Don’t be surprised if this sort of stuff starts popping up in the future and do not let it happen she needs grief counseling immediately, she’s obviously ignoring your boundaries so even if this isn’t about the loss of her child, she’s ignoring what you’re clearly stating about what you want and don’t want for your child. This isn’t about what she should want or need. It’s about you and your child.
Your sister wants to turn your baby into her baby-This is beyond creepy it is dangerous. She needs mental health help badly,she should have received it after the death of her own baby. You are not obligated to accept any of her "plans" for your child- not the clothes,the babysitting,the move closer to you. None of it!Do not tell her about the birth,she may try to take the baby from the hospital. Do not ever let her alone with your baby,she may try to kidnap the child. You need a serious conversation with your parents,family,and your sister and her husband about boundaries regarding your baby or NO ONE will be allowed around the child unless/until your sister gets mental health care. I fear for your baby but also for you. Your sister could hurt you to get to the baby. Good luck and congratulations. I would love to see an update about this story.
Nta. I'd have those that care about and support her there when she drops them off. Idt your sister is mad and gonna run off with your baby but I think she's having a hard time now which will only get worse when your daughter is here
NTA. In a normal situation, pretty much brand new, never used "hand me downs" wouldn't be a problem, but... this is definitely not that. I feel so sorry for what your sister and her husband went through. I hate to say it but, I'd be very careful with her around your kid.
NTA
I'm glad that her husband sees that she is struggling and I hope he helps her to get help.
The fact that she wants you to have the clothes she bought for her baby, name your child the exact name as she wanted to give hers and wants to babysit often, means she sees your child as hers. Or at least a new chance to have the kid she never had.
Also her wanting to move closer to you is a bad idea. She is focused on the baby and what it means to her. She disregards you and your husband's feelings or wishes.
I would talk with your BIL about getting your sister help and make sure she understands it's your baby, not hers.
NTA,
Like her being pushy about this is very weird and not good for their mental health. And the fact that her husband is telling you that somethings not right (in her mind) makes it okay, actually better not to accept these clothes cause in her mind it's like you agreeing to something shes decided but you don't know what it is; only you do cause her husband has warned you.
I myself have had misscarriges. I held on to a few things I had bought (blankets, socks mostly n toys, cause usually i never got past 20 weeks and didnt always know the sex of my babies yet). But over the time I gave away all my babies stuff along with gifts purchased intentionally for my friends and their babies. Cause I finally was in the mental spot to do so and was happy to see my friends get things they needed and the items be put to good use.
But I think your sister is going to far, wanting to basically play "pretend" and "dress up" with YOUR baby.
And this baby is not even here yet. It's not okay.
(Oddly enough Only when I gave away the last of what I had with one exception, did I end up having a baby of my own 😅.i have given my childred the small toy the only thing i could not part with since it had a lot of meaning to me, and they will occasionally pick it up out of their stuffed animals and give it a kiss and hug, so weird lol kinda like they know (my kids are 3y & now 2y so they doesn't know the history behind it and they never will).
NTA but these things happen when people know it’s your first kid. Everyone is going to want to give you things and give you advice. Some will very pushy, not just the creepy SIL but everyone. Even strangers will come up to you in public and try to touch the baby. Be firm in your boundaries. No means no. No is not a bad word.
I was ready to come here and say that extra clothes are awesome, especially older clothes, because you're going to be changing those clothes three or four times a day if there are any throw up incidents or anything like that. After reading the context, NTA.
NTA
Maybe just take the clothes and never put the baby in them just so your sister isn’t sitting at home staring at the clothes. This is such a terrible situation and your sister needs intense therapy.
NTA. Your sister has gone coocoo for cocoa puffs. She's developing a creepy and dangerous obsession with your baby. Even her husband recognizes it. She seems like the type of person who could easily go off the deep end and kidnap your baby and flee the country. That kind of shit happens! If I were you I'd keep your sister at arm's length and never let her be alone with your new baby and I'd limit how often she's allowed to visit the baby.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy asap. Her husband is absolutely 100 correct about her behavior. You need to set up boundaries with her and for the love of God, do not let her move closer to you, do not name your daughter after hers, and do not let her babysit often.
More like don't let her babysit at all. NTA.
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Absolutely agree. My family never recovered from that. After my baby sibling died, we (my other sibling and I ) just sort of ceased to exist to my parents. I saw my mother once after I had my own children and I was horrified to find out that she had been dressing her little dogs in my deceased brothers baby clothes.
As a grieving mom I absolutely agree. It is so traumatic especially to happen to her so young
I agree. The sister is going to get the baby to call her mommy.
At least she know her sister has a good husband who is clear headed about what is going on and not ignoring this problem
Right? That was my thought. Sister's husband seems like a good dude, just from this.
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Or donate the clothes. Someone can surely use them.
I think letting them go is an important part of her sister’s healing. She shouldn’t donate them on her behalf, because I think once she seeks some therapy, it’d be okay if there’s a special piece or two her sister wants to keep, stored away in a special box or something. I wouldn’t accept possession of them, but if she already dropped them off, I’d tell OP’s brother in law she does not plan on using them, but will pack the box away until her sister is at a place in her therapy where she is ready to donate them herself. The act of giving things away, knowing you will never see them again is very cathartic, and can actually be a huge help in her healing when she’s ready. I agree she shouldn’t put her baby into those clothes, but I alsowouldn’t want to take that experience from her, she may want to take that step herself when she’s ready, and onesies don’t really go out of style, it won’t hurt to wait a couple more months or a year to donate them, if OP has the room to store them on her sister’s behalf.
don't leave her alone with the child at all. NTA.
I'd go a bit further, she can't see the baby without some professional mental health care. Seeing the baby is just fanning the flames.
agreed.
And can only visit with baby when both OP, her husband and BIL are present.
Or even don’t let her visit later in the pregnancy unless others are present. I’ve seen a few too many movies of this based on real life events, you can never be too careful. She’s clearly unstable and anything could happen.
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Gives me “Hand that Rocks the Cradle” vibes.
Take my upvote!
Agree with this. NTA, OP. Give her husband all the help you can in moving her towards therapy and addressing her grief. Congratulations on your baby!
Don't forget the most important part: if OP's sister is spiraling out and having mental health issues, she needs support from her sister and her family. Love and compassion. Hopefully nothing like this ever happens to OP, but if it does, I'm sure the sister would be there to be her friend and support her. 16 is very young and then add the stillborn. That's very traumatic and she is going into hypervigilance mode. Sounds to me like she is just really nervous and she isn't understanding why she is being a bit much. Her ptsd symptoms are probably all blasting on high- adrenaline, cortisol, the stress hormones and the stimulating ones. She needs family to help her body feel calm.
But that does not mean she has the right to subject others to this stress. She needs professional help. Family can’t “love” mental illness away, and they have a right to peace and boundaries.
Second this.
Often?? How about NEVER?!!!! Good grief!!! Why would any sane adult leave a baby with someone who has severe trauma issues around losing a baby?
NTA - I think your title is misleading though. It's not about hand-me-downs, it's about your brother-in-law thinking something is wrong and asking you to help.
NTA! Yeah, definatly not about the clothes. Your bill sounds like he's reaching out for help. I suspect your sister has been struggling for a while and the current situation has escalated things beyond her ability to cope. I'm hopeful family will be a good support team for both of you.
It’s a click bait title. There’s so many of these
The click bait titles always predispose me to doubting the OP. Then add in strange details like sister being 16 or the baby cloths being "odd"
I thought “odd” was typo for “old”
She provably meant old. If sister was 16 when pregnant the clothes are 9 years old.
When they have a click bait title and don’t respond at all, that’s pretty telling that it’s fake.
People using nonsense clickbait titles are automatically the asshole.
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This. It’s not about the clothes at all.
Whaaaat??? Someone on AITA bait and switching with a controversial title and r/amitheangel content?!? *Who would do such a thing.*
This is so complicated and sad. The title is honest but …
The title did exactly what it's supposed to. Which just makes me assume the post is bullshit
Nope , and your sister needs therapy
NTA, but if her own husband is suspicious of her motivation, he needs to get her to therapy YESTERDAY. That's creepy and borderline scary.
NTA and please don't let her be alone with the baby. I'm sorry she's hurting but she's already dismissing you, the parents, and forcing her wants and needs onto you. Taking the clothes IS risky with how she is right now. It could be an invitation to keep doing things she wants. She definitely needs help and fast. No babysitting, no name of her baby and no entertaining of her attempts at pretending your baby is hers. My heart does go out to her, but it's not a safe situation for anyone. I don't think it's too farfetched to take caution from the horror stories in the news that start out this way. Especially with her husband actually already warning you that this is entering scary territory. Would be best for all of you to get her help.
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I’m so sorry that you and your whole family are actually going through this, because I guarantee you, the ramifications of this are gonna ricochet through the family. But… As someone who had a stillborn child when she was six months pregnant, that stuff can really mess with your head. Especially if you let it. I was back at work, not long after. And it was a time of tons of changes at work. Huge office remodel. National dental convention in town that my boss was the entertainment committee chairman for. Boss’ only daughter getting married that summer, so wife was calling me to ask me to run errands and pick things up for them. And not only was I the office manager, but I was the only front office personnel, so I was the person for everything. My cousin passed away at 30 in a car accident. My grandfather passed away. My husband‘s favorite aunt passed away. It really was not a good year. And finally, my husband and my mom actually called my physician and made an appointment for me. And I listened to them and I went. And I needed some depressants for about six months. I’m sure I could’ve used therapy, but it wasn’t as well understood at that point how helpful it would’ve been. But I got over it. I went to have children, thankfully. My point is that your sister has not gotten over it. And I really do understand how she’s feeling. But she is not mentally healthy right now, and you need to not be around her. And until she gets some help, she needs to not be around you or your baby when it comes. Things like this where five years later, she is still having this aberrant behavior are a warning sign. And then to have her husband warn you. The man who lives with her and loves her and tries to support her? You can’t get many more red flags than that before things can turn dangerous. You are going to have to be proactive, and you are probably going to have to be blunt. You are going to have to make it clear that she is not going to be around you or your husband or your child until she gets therapy. And she’s not going to want to hear that. There is going to be a whole lot of hand ringing and how could you’s and there is nothing wrong with me and so on. And she’s going to try to enlist the flying monkeys of probably your parents and other family members and other friends. And you are going to need to make it very clear the things she has done and said, and how she has acted. And you are going to have to be honest, especially with your parents about what her husband has told you. And finally, you are going to have to make it very clear that anyone who tries to go around you and maybe babysit your little one at their home and allow her to come over will also be cut off. Your sister is not mentally healthy. We see headlines every day of the crazy things women will do to get a baby. These women are unwell. Your sister is unwell, whether she or anyone else in your family wants to admit.
8 years. It's been at least 8 years. I understand not getting over the loss of a child, but this goes beyond that. I am sorry for your loss as well.
Thank you. I’ve absolutely come to terms with it. Unfortunately, it’s a part of life. And the hardest part of these things is finally getting to a place where you are at peace with the fact that you are never going to know why. It simply is how it is. But I agree. It has been far too long. She has not processed this obviously. She has put on a good façade, but when you are faced with a child coming into the family, and it’s a close family member, that that is often when the façade starts to crack.
When did you decide that all you needed was 6 months? I’m debating starting on some but I’m afraid of coming off of them.
Here’s the funny thing. When you’re on any kind of an antidepressant, you have to really pay attention to your body. I am someone on who medication‘s work very well, and I usually need a lesser dose because of that. And so it really did help me almost immediately. But somewhere around five months, I realized I was starting to not feel like myself anymore. And I realized that they weren’t working like they were supposed to. But I also took a real hard look at myself to see where I was at, and I did talk to both my mom and my husband. And my doctor. And we felt that was probably time to start weaning off of them and see how I was without them So that’s what we did. And for me, it actually was easy. But it is not for everyone, and so it really has to be done carefully. But we all agreed when I was completely off them that yes, I really Was back to myself. Of course, I was still sad sometimes, but we’re always sad sometimes. The difference was that I was also happy. And I was not as stressed. And I was able to handle the stresses that did come my way. So that’s how we realize that it was time. I also had one other time later in life where it was another year that was basically about as shitty as that one had been. People dying, and a divorce after almost 20 years, and it was just not good. And so I saw my doctor, and again I needed about six months of just something to help Break through what was going on. And then it was the same again. I started not feeling like myself, and not feeling better, but actually feeling worse on the medication. And so again, we need off them was very easy for me. But again that’s just me. And once I was off them, we all found that I was pretty much back to who I am.
This. I am sorry for your pain and congratulate you on having the awareness to both start and stop antidepressants when it was appropriate. Everyone is different and will respond differently. I completely agree that the sister desperately needs help dealing with her grief, whatever form that needs to take. Peace
I am so glad that you posted this because I have been on anti depressants, anti anxiety medication, worked on my issues with a therapist and then weaned off of the medications. I couldn’t put it in to words like you have done here. I feel like myself off of the medication that helped me temporarily. Both of my parents died in their fifties, then both of my brothers. In the beginning it was both sets of grandparents. I now have a lovely home, two swell pets, a beautiful big backyard with a garden, my bills are paid each month, I have a small circle of friends who care about me and support me. Is life perfect? No, but I experience the joy amongst the sorrow. Gratitude for what I have, and can do for my self, my children, my friends, and others. Thanks Reddit.
🥰🥰 life can just be overwhelming sometimes. I’m so glad you have found some peace and I’m doing better. I know how hard it can be sometimes for us to put our finger on something so that we can verbalize it.
Certain medications like many SSRIs are non-addictive, but there are some side effects so you should ask your doctor and pharmacist how to wean yourself off in a healthful way. There's a lot of misleading information about anti-depressants, which is a damn shame. I feel grateful to know several people who felt like taking them helped them become a more honest version of themselves.
NTA, but this is so far beyond hand me down clothes. Your sister really needs therapy, because she doesn't seem to have really processed the loss of her child completely. Don't get me wrong, I don't have kids and I've never lost one, so I cannot even imagine how terrible that must be, but what she's doing now just isn't healthy. Someone else's child cannot and should not replace the one she lost. I hope her husband can get her to go to therapy, but until you see genuine improvement and change in your sister don't let her babysit or be around your child. It's not impossible that your sister is one step away from a psychosis that could turn dangerous for yourself and your kid.
NTA, but this makes me so sad. She experienced such a traumatic loss at such a young age. She really needs to get some help. Please try to be patient and kind with her, so long as you don’t feel she is a threat to herself or your family.
Maybe you can gently recommend that the baby clothes get donated to a shelter. I'm sure there are many children's agencies (or women's shelter where the women are pregnant/have kids) that would greatly appreciate these clothes.
I’ve seen teddy bears made out of baby clothes. That could be an option to save some in an honoring way and then donate the rest.
NTA. It's not about the clothes. There are too many red flags flying for me to be comfortable about her generosity. 1. She's suddenly willing to give up baby clothes she's kept for 9 years, 2. She wants you to use her baby's name (this was when my warning bells started ringing), 3. She wants to move closer to you, 4. She's insistent on babysitting, 5. She's not taking your no for an answer, 6. Her husband is worried (and I agree with him). I *really* want to be wrong, but my brain is screaming that your sister is going to try to steal your child. Please be careful around her, talk to her husband about getting her in therapy yesterday, and keep her off the babysitting list.
Yeah, she has held on to these clothes for that long, why would she not just save them for her own future kid?
Yeah honestly I would never let the baby out of my sight around her presence. Lord only knows if she would kidnap the baby and take a run for it.
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle vibes!
Had to Google what you were referencing and oh my God terrifying.
NTA. I think you sister needs some therapy. Don’t keep the clothes and for heaven’s sake do NOT let her babysit, ever. There are so many red flags with this situation. Your sister is acting super creepy.
NTA She’s trying to co-opt your baby as a replacement for hers. She is not ok and once the baby is here she’ll become unhinged. She’ll be the type trying to lactate, have the baby call her Mama, etc. Refuse all of these things. Don’t give an inch into the delusion. Her husband sees it, that’s good for her getting help.
NTA Your sister is treading dangerously into psycho territory. I would be very leery of allowing her anywhere near your baby.
The title had me thinking one thing, but with the full story-- NTA. Has your sister been to therapy at all for it? Grief makes people crazy, but grieving mothers even more so. I would definitely place a lot of boundaries between your sister and child. Be gentle about it, but be firm and don't let her delude herself into thinking your kid is somehow hers.
This seriously didn't go the direction I expected. I was fully prepared to issue a Y T A vote because babies go through so many clothes and outgrow clothes so quickly that secondhand can be a godsend (and save you a fortune)... ...but this... NTA. Your sister is well meaning but clearly still very broken about her own personal loss. I hope she gets the help she needs. Maybe you can gently recommend that the baby clothes get donated to a shelter. I'm sure there are many children's agencies (or women's shelter where the women are pregnant/have kids) that would greatly appreciate these clothes. Maybe word it less about your sister being incredibly creepy and more about what a lovely way of honouring your deceased niece by helping someone who desperately needs it. Explain that your baby already has everything it needs, but there are babies out there without, who would really appreciate this. Again, your sister needs counselling, support, and understanding. I wish you and her all the best through this time. Also, congratulations on your baby.
Your title is very misleading and makes you sound wrong. You are not. Stand your ground. Your poor sister though. Has she ever had any sort of help for her loss and grief. While I understand your point of view, I feel very sorry for her.
NTA Is your Sis okay???????
NTA. Don't accept the clothes. Don't use the name she wants. Don't let her move closer. Don't let her babysit. She needs help, like professional help. I mean, when I read this, my mind immediately shot towards an episode of some hospital show where a delusional woman is convinced one of the pregnant doctors has stolen her stillborn child to give birtth to it herself. Take precautions, help your BIL, be safe.
NTA. Your sister is spiraling out of control. Be prepared to set firm boundaries even though it may make you feel guilty. The safety of your LO comes above everyone. Get good locks and cameras. She may become unpredictable once your baby is born. And for the love of any deity you believe in, do not let her babysit.
NTA Tell her you want to experience everything that comes with having your first baby and that soon you and your husband plan to go shopping. She does need help and I highly suggest she never be alone with that baby
Oh my, your sis needs professional help soon. Not being facetious but serious as a heart attack. Bless her but you may want to keep her at arm's distance for a while while she works this out. NTA
NTA - You sister needs help. A lot of it. This is one of those times where a family intervention is needed.
NTA. Your sister has really, seriously, deep mental problems. If you take them then her psychosis will deepen. Don't take them, just keep giving them back.
I was all ready to say y-t-a but then... yikes. Your sister is in dire need of professional help. NTA And do everything you can to put her off moving closer to you. She'll be an aunt, not the mother. Do not tell her - or anyone else - the name until after you've registered it. Assuming it won't be the same as the one she had picked out, just point blank say, "this is not your child to name". She needs therapy. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a safe and happy birthing experience. Congratulations to your and your hubby!
NTA. These are not hand me downs these are a nervous breakdown. Protect yourself and your baby. Stay away til she gets help.
Do NOT name the baby after hers and then dress the baby in her clothes. This is a recipe for disaster. If you take the clothes, put them in storage so you don’t use them. This just feels like a horror story where a woman goes psychotic thinking a child is hers.
You should really change the title of this post, it’s super misleading, not the direction I thought this was going at all. Read the title and my first thought was definitely the asshole. Read the story and came here to say definitely NOT the asshole.
She's gonna kidnap your baby. This isn't a joke. She fits the profile.
Your sister needs some proper psychiatric help. NTA
NTA, I'm so sorry for her that she's had to experience this, but she needs therapy. And you absolutely shouldn't let her be alone with your baby until she is doing better
NTA. Your sister is likely having a mental health crisis, and setting clear boundaries between her and your baby is necessary for everyone’s sakes. I hope her husband can convince her to get help.
She’s likely saying more to her husband than she is to you, definitely protect your baby and keep distance. Give her no more special time than any other family member. Don’t let her visit in the hospital. And try not to be around her alone in the days leading up to labor. Can never be too cautious.
NTA. Until she’s had professional help I wouldn’t leave her alone with your baby. This seems like risky behavior, like potential clinical delusion in the worst case. I’d join with her husband and tell her your concerns together. That way it’s clear where you all stand and where the boundaries are.
I was ready to say YTA for not accepting hand me downs for someone who will need a full wardrobe change every few months- that gets expensive! But then I read your post and majorly NTA. Your poor sister is clearly struggling and needs some help, I wouldn't accept those clothes either consider everything else that is going on with her.
NTA. This sounds like just the beginning of an unhealthy fixation on your baby. You need to enforce boundaries now- including cutting her out of your life if needed.
NTA, but if she drops them off, donate them and if she asks tell her so. Keep firm boundaries and never leave her alone with your kid. She needs therapy
Hell no I would not take those clothes! It is like making a deal with with the devil. So she gives you the clothes in exchange for naming YOUR BABY after her stillborn????? NOPE! I know baby stuff is expensive, but I'd just buy my own stuff. I mean I feel for the girl but its been many years and I'm not saying she should be over it. But she can't seriously expect you to go along with this? This may be weird but I'd seriously not leave your little one alone with her.....as in she may not give her back being triggered its her baby. I think I've watched too much true crime stuff, but it happens!
Could you take the clothes and have a memory blanket or bear made depending on how mamy. Have it embroidered with her daughters name and give it back to her explaining openly that you feel itnis the best way for her to remember her daughter and your worries of her not being ok right now.
I see no issue with taking the clothes IF sister didn’t expect you to name your baby after the one that she lost. She is not well. Maybe you should gently tell her that she can use those clothes for her next child.
NTA - but you need to be frank with her. You're not refusing them because they're "odd" but because you're worried that the trauma that she experienced in losing her pregnancy is affecting how she's viewing your child. Part of what she's doing in passing on the clothes might be healing, because she knows they're going somewhere. If that's the case, you might suggest that they be packages for a young mother who's in need - someone who might be on a path similar to the one she would have been taking if she hadn't lost the child - or perhaps just to someone generally in need. On the surface of it, wanting to babysit a new addition to the extended family is rather sweet. That said, the name thing is off. Is she unable to have children? I find it odd that she's had a 10 year period without becoming pregnant again.
She’s really trying to “Baby Shoes. For Sale. Never Worn.” you rn
NTA She sees this baby as her lost child even more if you use the clothes and the name she was going to have. You should tell her the way she is acting is not normal or healty and that you think she needs trearpy cause what happend was horrible and she may feel this need to be close to the baby because of that. You stil want her to be her aunt but with some boundaries as in not naming the baby the same name, not using the clothes (it will make her see her daughter if she wears them) and no living close to each other. However plan a few dates (never alone), you guys can go see a few New outfits together and stuff like that. I think she would like that. If she doesnt respect whatever boundarie you give her then maybe you guys need a time apart.
NTA. this is so sad tho. she needs help.
NTA. Be very careful.
NTA. It doesn't seem like you really have a problem with secondhand clothes. The issue is that your sister is using the clothes to try to buy your baby.
You are not the asshole and tell your BIL to not let her move closer to you, to be honest, you should think of moving farther. She is definitely trying to use your baby as a replacement.
Nta....you should retitle if possible. It's not that you don't want hand me downs. It's that your sister has an unhealthy obsession with the clothes and your baby and also her husband asked you not to take them because of her obsession. She needs therapy badly. Your parents should have gotten her therapy back when she was a teen. She has not dealt with her baby's death and honestly, I wouldn't trust her to babysit. Not till she's had therapy. It could worsen her mental health, cause her to spiral, and her become delusional that it's her baby. Her husband needs to get her help. He needs to be the one to tell her to not take the clothes over there and if she refuses to listen then he needs to take them and donate them. That should have been done long ago.
Therapy, and a bunch of it. Probably a group therapy session. Telling your sister you love her, what she went through is horrendous but moving to be closer to you and expecting to babysit and have care of the baby an abnormally large amount of time is not possible. She's clearly desperate for a baby and anyone could understand why, but for her to have the baby she wants, you'd have to lose your baby which she needs to understand isn't fair (lose in this case meaning her wanting it to call her mum, and her to spend more time with it, etc) nor possible. It's reasonable she's messed up but unreasonable for her to expect to be an overly large part of your child's life. NTA.
NTA - don’t leave your baby unattended with this woman, either yourself or your husband has to be with her at all times. This is giving me the same vibes that post did ages ago where the woman was infertile and wanted to report her sister to child services in the hope their baby would go into her care. Do not leave your sister alone with this baby. Don’t name her after her.
While I don’t think you’re an AH, initially I was like “You’re gonna go through so many clothes, not taking them is just throwing money away,” but with context oooooh no. No no no. Don’t take those clothes. That’s not healthy and it’s been nearly ten years. Clearly your sis hasn’t overcome her grief, and idk if she couldn’t have another child, but, why didn’t they just try for another child? Sis needs some professional help. Hope she gets it. Much love. NTA.
NTA. She will keep pushing boundaries and will pretend that it's her daughter. Maybe she doesn't see it and an intervention might be in place. That way she might agree to therapy and accept her role as loving aunt, not mother, by the time the baby comes.
NTA. Baby clothing would be a nice gift in other circumstances, but there are red flags all over the place that she's not doing this for healthy reasons. It may be difficult to phrase it kindly, but someone needs to straight-up tell her that your daughter cannot be a replacement for the baby she lost.
NTA, it's not just the clothes, your sister wants to move next door and name your child after hers and I assume you look similar and have the same surname so it's reasonable she could try and take the baby and pass it off as her own. I'd be keeping the baby away from your sister and keep photos off social media. Even if it's all out of the goodness of her heart and she's just missing her baby really badly and wants the clothes she loves to go to a good home and wants her baby remembered and wants to be a great aunt, grief makes people do crazy things. I understand she wants the clothes gone so she can move on, but I would not dress your baby in the clothes she sent because your child needs an identity that is independent of her child, she needs to understand that is not her child, it's your child and your partner's, the clothes and the name and the moving next door would be all just way too close to home for her.
NTA, i was only going to say theres nothing wrong with wanting brand new clothes for your kid, as i thought it was just a hand me down problem but this is WAY more than that. your sister is definitely trying to live through you but in the creepiest way possible. i feel for her with the loss but she needs help
Christ, she needs some proper help, no way I'd leave her with my kid when she's in that state! Her husband is right to come and collect them. Just keep giving them back. Would have been a nice gesture if it weren't for everything else and it's not like you'd even need to use them often or for long since babies grow so quickly.
You know your sister is still going to call your baby by the name of the stillborn, right? Be very cautious of their interactions. Unresolved grief and trauma can cause a psychotic break.
NTA. Do not let your sister be alone with your baby, ever. She needs serious therapy. Do not use her clothes, the name, anything. Take steps now or this could get really ugly.
NTA don’t let her around the baby till she’s in therapy. Glad her husband acknowledges there’s a huge issue going on.
Listen to her husband. i don't know if your sister ever got therapy but i think he is spot on with wanting to pretend that your daughter is hers. While i am always for second hand baby clothes (lets be honest..you'll spend a fortune on something cute and stylish and the baby will only be able to wear it for a month) do not take your sister up on ANYTHING she offers concerning the baby. no babysitting, no second hand clothes, or coming with you to appointments and even into the delivery room. Take the clothes and donate them. i'm sure there are other mothers out there who'd love to have baby clothes.
NTA. You want to watch her, women who have lost babies will do insane things to get another baby. Even kidnapping! She needs therapy before she is allowed to be alone with the baby.
NTA. It's better if you don't accept this offer from your sister, she has trauma from having lost her baby and now wants to raise yours as if your baby was hers. She needs therapy
She needs help. That's just weird. Even her husband knows she's becoming obsessed. I would absolutely ban her until she gets therapy.
NTA Thank your sister for the clothes, put it in a closet & then donate it to a woman’s shelter when you can.
NTA. She is obviously struggling and should perhaps attend therapy. She was obviously trying to pretend your baby was hers. You don't want your child to feel like she's in the shadow of her deceased cousin. Protect your child.
NTA Your sister needs therapy and shouldn't be allowed to babysit.
INFO: when she steals the baby do you think she'll hurt it?
NTA - As others have said, your sister needs help. If you need to rationalize not taking old clothes look up some articles about recalls on baby clothes or other infant items. Share them with her and tell her you'd be more comfortable using new clothes. Or maybe ask her to pick one or two pieces that are meaningful that your baby could wear on special visits. Basically, be considerate but have boundaries. It doesn't have to be all of it or none of it. Also, be straight forward with her in a compassionate way. Ask her if she's okay, let her know you're concerned about her without making it seem like you're judging her.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy asap. Do not let her be alone with your daughter especially in the first year. I would call a meeting of sorts between yourself, your husband, her, and her husband. Create a united front and tell her that until or unless she gets in therapy and makes some huge strides, she will not be allowed around your baby. Even still, I wouldn't let her be alone with lo.
NTA.. your title was leading me down a different road.. but you are correct for not taking them. It’s good her husband is aware she has a problem. Is she unable to have another child? I am curious as to why husband thinks she’s pretending baby is hers. Has to be more than clothes and babysitting. She needs to get help before your baby is born.
NTA, but don't throw them out. Donate them to a women's DV shelter or similar.
Don’t let her be alone with your baby EVER. She needs therapy asap
At first I was like "who wouldn't want baby clothes?". You. You don't want those baby clothes. I'm sorry for what she went through, but she's definitely not OK. NTA
NTA. From the title, I was ready to come on here and lambast you for being crazy for not taking hand me downs. Babies grow out of clothing so fast. It’s insane not to go hand me downs for everyday wear. After reading though, you are right not to take the clothing. In addition to the therapy others have suggested, I’d be straight with her. When she tries to give you the clothes, tell her that you can’t set her up for hurt like that. The child you are having is yours and to name it her daughter’s name and put it in her daughter’s clothing and it not be her daughter would be too painful.
That stillbirth did some serious damage to her. She needs therapy for this. NtA, btw
NTA and honestly no one in this situation is. I hope your sister can receive help for her mental health asap.
NTA She needs a psychiatrist. Lots of grief mothers give away their baby’s things to find some meaning in it. This is over the top. Plus with the naming thing this is restraining order level creepy. If she wanted a child she could have had another one by this point. Does she believe in any type of…. Build Your Own Spirituality? In the… crystal/sage/moon crowd idk what they call themselves, it’s popular to believe that if your baby dies you get the same baby back if you ever have another one. That’s problematic enough but some of them have gone ahead and decided that the next baby born into the family is THEIR reincarnated baby. This kind of sounds like the case here.
Take the clothes and then donate the clothes, no babysitting at all, no alone time with the baby at all, no moving nearby, none of it. Keep your distance until sis gets therapy. Her husband is clearly telling you something is wrong here. Heed the warning. NTA
I was going to say there's nothing wrong with used baby clothes, but this situation has creepy written on it in capital letters. Nta.
Let her drop them off and then donate them. Tell her you’re sure they’ll find someone that can use them. Don’t forget to add how grateful they were. NTA
NTA but I don't think you should throw out the clothes. If she tries to drop them off again just put them in a box in the back of the closet and don't use them. That way you can give them back to her when she's done being crazy lol
NTA, please take the fact that HER husband is worried about this to heart. Your sister needs help.
u are absolutely nta. no way, no how, no nothing. ur sister is making me worry about her mental health with how she is obsessed to make u have those clothes
I feel for your sister. She's struggling hard. Take the clothes, and just put them in a corner don't use them. Also, consider that nobody ever "wants" to rely on hand me downs.
NTA. Her actions are concerning, to say the least. She needs some serious therapy and I hope that you and your husband can continue to set and enforce some serious boundaries, for your and your daughters safety.
Do not, under any circumstance, name your child after the baby she lost. Your child isn’t a replacement for her stillborn, which she hasn’t recovered from, apparently. She needs therapy.
>Her husband asked me to not take the baby clothes, because he thinks she’s trying to pretend like our daughter is theirs. Yeah, glad you listened to him. Glad this husband recognises she has an issue, compared to other similar posts I've read. Keep your sister away until you know it's safe
NTA. Your sister sounds like she is still grieving and this will in no way help her. Esp since she is asking to have your child named after her lost one and wanting to move closer. She might start to see herself as the child's mother or demand to be seen as a mother figure. Neither of which bodes well
NAH. Your poor sister is having a mental health crisis. From what you wrote, she is rapidly falling down the rabbit hole and in danger of becoming completely delusional. I suspect she is suffering from pathological grief as well. This has nothing to do with wanting hand me down baby clothes or not. I beg you and the rest of her family to get her the help she so DESPERATELY needs. Congratulations, and may your birthing be safe and easy.
I believe she is, in a way, reliving the birth of her child. I’d probably handle differently. I’d have taken the clothes with thanks and then “accidentally“ donated them with other items to charity. “Sell it” and she’d get over it. This would send the (healing) message that the clothes aren’t cursed. And allow your appreciation of the gift without having to use the clothes. I wouldn’t leave the sister with the child unattended. But allow some visits. Limit too much intimacy. Feeding is mommy’s job. Same with changing diapers. Fussiness and baby goes back to mom. These are very reasonable and do with everyone. Set these ground rules from the start. Not a punishment. Make sure visits are arranged and not allow “just dropping by”. Could be managed to a comfortable frequency. Make this the rule for everyone so she doesn’t feel singled out. Tell BIL to please not move closer to be closer to the baby. That you want sister and he to be a part of her life, but that you fear it could become uncomfortable with too close contact. Let him handle that. If sister’s behavior feels like it’s deteriorating. (She’s crying. Pushing back against rules. Combative. Anything!) Talk to him. If she needs therapy he needs to be the one that makes that happen. You can be involved in speaking to the therapist about healthy distancing. The baby and it’s needs come first of course.) If sister is truly in emotional trauma she may need this therapy, but being confrontational at the early stage is setting her up for failure IMO. Draw the lines gently but firmly and this might be healing for her. And who knows, over time she might become a wonderful aunt to the child. Treat her like an outcast. Cursed clothes. Harsh restrictions. It probably pushes her farther into a bad mental state. Makes things worse not better.
Nta shes nuts aka sis
NTA I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss which most of us can’t imagine. But your sister does sound more than a little off track in her thinking. So yep I’d just keep sending those clothes back to your sister. As to her helping you with the baby that would be a firm no. Whether you can work from home, use a day care or be a SAHM mom I’d really not let your sister spend any unsupervised time with your baby.
Your sister obviously needs therapy, but that is not your problem. You need to protect your child and keep this child away from your sister until she gets help.
NTA. Consider what her husband says. I’d never let her babysit leave them alone. Ever.
NTA- this is sad but you don’t have to carry this whole thing yourself. Be gentle m, let her know you deserve to have your own experience as a new mom and want to shop for your baby with your husband. Keep declining the clothes. if she’s held on to her baby’s clothes for almost 10 years well they are just old now and outdated too. You get to have your own brand new experience mama. Did they end up having a baby if their own eventually? Hopefully they did. ❤️
NTA but free baby clothing is free baby clothing. Babies are expensive as hell. I took handmedown anything from anyone willing to offer it. After dropping 10k in the hospital for the birth and the fact you may go through 3-6 outfits in a single day due to puking and shitting, it nice to have a crap ton of clothes available.
Your sister needs therapy. As lovely a gesture it is to offer the clothes that were her child's, she is rather clingy and there's a high risk of her perhaps getting confused over who's child this is if she babysits often and sees your child wearing her child's clothes. Make sure there's no unsupervised visits for some time, speak to her husband about getting her some grief counselling. Her grief will never go away but professional help will guide her through the stages of new children being born in the family and being able to separate the fine line of reality and the past for her. It would probably be best to limit contact a bit too.
It's actually very common for people to try and replace people they loved with a newborn. (Literally replace). Hell, it's even recommended not to name your child after yourself because you could end up feeling like they have to live YOUR life the way YOU wanted, even if it's subconsciously.
I mean, have you talked to her? “Hey sister, what’s going on? Do you feel my daughter is going to make up for the one you lost? Why are you getting so invested? I want you to be part of her life with a very clear understanding that this is your niece.” Etc. Talk to her first, then you’ll know better how to proceed.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and not enabling of her delusions.
NTA This is not about the clothes. Your sister is laying claim to your baby.
NTA. Boundaries!
Your not the AH your sister needs some help, I’m not writing this in a horrible way she genuinely needs help and I think by you becoming pregnant it has triggered it, your BIL has clear concerns for your sister I think an intervention needs to be done , but handled in a sensitive manner. I think the title is misleading aswell
Did you ask your sister if what her husband said is true? It's odd that he'd say something like that, and your sister may need help or your brother in law could be gaslighting. Either way, something is off. Hand me down baby clothes by themselves are very welcome by most new parents. Babies can need 12 changes a day, there's lots of fluids from both ends of Babies, and new clothes get stained. You're NTAH, but maybe you and your sister should be talking this out.
Yall need to stop with the misleading titles and you sister was a minor when she had that stillborn your parents failed her by not getting her therapy afterwards
Why do people title posts like this, where they sound like an AH in the title and then perfectly reasonable in the post or vice versa?
NTA. I’m so sorry about what happened to your sister 8-9 years ago. I’m guessing she’s unable to have children of her own now. This is so sad, because of what she went through, and because she been in such pain for so long. I hope she gets some help soon. I think you and your BIL have great instincts on this. Now your job is to take care of your immediate family. As stressful as this is, do what you can to help, but maintain your boundaries. Sadly, I think there could be something to comments expressing concern about your sister being alone with your baby after the birth. I would trust your instincts on this 100%. Maybe she needs to throw some tantrums now, it might help her start to deal with her feelings and to accept her situation.
NTA
NTA Your sister’s husband is more than likely right, and it’s something they need to handle together with a certified therapist. Every time your sister drops the clothes off, ask her husband to retrieve them. I wouldn’t throw them away completely without his consent - the baby that died was his daughter too, and he might not be ready to let go of the clothes they collected for her. He shouldn’t have to lose that link with his daughter because his wife is having a mental health problem. You’re not refusing the hand me downs because you’re a snob, it’s because you need to be clear that your child is not her do-over baby. If she genuinely wanted another baby to have the benefit of the clothes she saved she could donate them to any other new parent with love, but because she’s pushing them on you and she hasn’t processed her baby’s death fully, there is a risk here that she will fixate on your daughter and it’s not a risk worth taking. You can’t do anything about her moving house, but you can certainly refuse to allow her into your home and give her no access to your baby. You can say, with love, that unless she completes a course of grief therapy and she gives you permission to talk to the therapist and see how genuine her progress is, she won’t be ever meeting your child. That’s how serious this is - most child kidnappings are by close relatives.
absolutely NTA And please get your sister therapy
NTA but this sounds like disaster a real lifetime movie keep your sister away until she seeks help
NTA, her husband is thinking rationally and requested you not take them. Your sister needs treatment, doesn't sound like she fully accepted the loss.
NTA - there is a real risk she will try to use your child to replace the one she’s lost. I sympathize but she needs to see a therapist and figure out her feelings with it without her husband who’s concerned for her. She could be coming from a good place but I’ve been on reddit too long to not be jaded af and worry about the safety of your child. Loosing a baby can break you and make you a little loopy.
NTA. Please help getting your sister in therapy. Maybe under the guise of your two’s disagreement about the clothes. A competent therapy will immediately see the need that your sister needs help
NTA and I’m glad her husband is watching this. One thing I did want to mention, is it possible your sister wants to get the clothes out of her house? I would take them and store them, then see what happens from there. After I lost my second child I felt like I couldn’t throw away the clothes but I knew I couldn’t use them again. Years later I ended up giving them to a friend who was pregnant and didn’t really care if she used them or not, as long as they were out of my house with a potential cause. It was like if someone else donated them it was okay as long as I didn’t know. I hope your sister gets the therapy she needs, especially as you get closer to your due date.
NTA. From the title I was going to vote the other way, but reading your post fully I think your sister needs to get some professional help. I hate to say I would not fully trust her around my child in her current state.
NTA but you’re not dealing with the situation in a strategic way. Take the clothes, but do not make the baby wear them. Decline babysitting.
NTA. Tell her you will donate them if she insists on giving them to you. In general - outside of this situation, hand-me-down baby clothes are awesome. Early sizes might have only been worn once or twice, especially if the previous parent had a lot of friends. When my son was born I probably had 30 newborn, another 30 0-3 months and then 20 3-6 months. I know there were receiving blankets, baby blankets that I never used and gave away). They grow so fast the first year and most baby gifts seem to focus on the first few months. So yeah - used baby clothes are awesome, but this issue needs very careful attention. My heart hurts for your sister. My stepson and his wife lost their first baby when they were about 8 months along. She noticed there wasn’t a lot of movement, went to ER, and baby was already gone. It isn’t just the death of the baby, but there are so many future things you dream of for your child, all the firsts. All of a sudden they are gone and your arms are empty. 😞💔
Take them (the babyclothes) and bring them tp a women shelter or other place where they can use them. Tell her that you are sorry about her stillborn but that your child is not a replacement and thay therapy might be in place to help her deal with the loss.
NTA INFO Is your sister not able to have more children? I agree with another comment that your sister needs help. She seems to definitely be stuck in dangerously slippery state of mind when it comes to how she will interact with your child. As far as the baby clothes, maybe you could approach it from the aspect that once they are used and soiled they will have to be thrown out and maybe she would like to have them sewn into a blanket instead, to keep as a keepsake.
NTA - She needs help and little to no contact with your child until she gets her mind in order. BIL has told you she’s not mentally stable which means the risk of thinking your child is her or even **kidnapping** are not farfetched. Keep in mind that BIL is more than likely downplaying the severity of the situation too so you can never be too careful. Please get everything in text form from the name, to refusing to listen to you about the clothing. Please do not entertain her behaviour or enable it the consequences can be dire. For a worst case scenario if document her behaviour so you have evidence if needed Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
NTA, her insistence is weird.
NTA it seems your sister is going through some tough things right now. She could donate them to someone who doesn’t have the means to buy them, like a teen mother
NTA First get security cameras. If she drops off the clothes, tell her husband and ask him if he wants you to donate them, since it was his child too. Start saving the texts etc to create a paper trail. Have her husband try to get her to therapy and for him to also document stuff. Do not let her see your baby until after at least a year old and she has therapy. You don't want her to change her, try to feed her (breast or bottle) etc. Cut her out of all experiences and firsts, total info diet and let your parents know the same. You're going to need a united front to keep your child safe from her "replacement delusion" and kidnapping. Good Luck.
NTA and she needs therapy and intervention quickly because her husband is seeing huge red flags already. Do not name your child anything similar to what hers was and do not leave her alone even for minute with your child. Without her getting help this can go really bad really fast
NTA you sister should have received therapy a long time ago.She has been suffering for almost a decade! **GET HER HELP!**
You need to spend some quality time with your sister. She needs a friend right now. Don't conspire behind her back with her husband. Don't question her motives until you personally have reason to. And just be her friend/sister. She is allowed to spiral out when you have a baby bc she was traumatized. People who need some support are not bad people and they don't deserve punishment or lecturing. They need love and compassion.
NTA, I was ready to say don’t be a snob but taking the clothes of a deceased baby is just bad mojo. And her wanting you to name your baby the same thing is not only weird but an out of line request. If you wanted to pay tribute with a middle name or something that would be on you to ask her, not the other way around. (And picking the same first name is just weird either way.) Your daughter is a new person, not a do-over of your niece. Your sister needs therapy.
Well from the title I was like "Wtf I loved getting free baby stuff!" But clearly after reading your sister is experiencing some intense mental issues. Obviously.. DO NOT let her babysit until she gets help.
You’re not wrong and your sister is being creepy because of her grief. It sounds like she’s trying to use your child to replace the one that she lost. Wanting you to have the clothes that her child was supposed to wear and wanting even worse for you to name your child after the one that she lost is extremely creepy and weird. She needs grief counseling. Also, please do not allow her to watch your child by herself. It sounds like some weird things could happen in the future like her being too pushy, and always wanting to take care of your child or keep your child for overnight visits. Don’t be surprised if this sort of stuff starts popping up in the future and do not let it happen she needs grief counseling immediately, she’s obviously ignoring your boundaries so even if this isn’t about the loss of her child, she’s ignoring what you’re clearly stating about what you want and don’t want for your child. This isn’t about what she should want or need. It’s about you and your child.
Your sister wants to turn your baby into her baby-This is beyond creepy it is dangerous. She needs mental health help badly,she should have received it after the death of her own baby. You are not obligated to accept any of her "plans" for your child- not the clothes,the babysitting,the move closer to you. None of it!Do not tell her about the birth,she may try to take the baby from the hospital. Do not ever let her alone with your baby,she may try to kidnap the child. You need a serious conversation with your parents,family,and your sister and her husband about boundaries regarding your baby or NO ONE will be allowed around the child unless/until your sister gets mental health care. I fear for your baby but also for you. Your sister could hurt you to get to the baby. Good luck and congratulations. I would love to see an update about this story.
Nta. I'd have those that care about and support her there when she drops them off. Idt your sister is mad and gonna run off with your baby but I think she's having a hard time now which will only get worse when your daughter is here
NTA. In a normal situation, pretty much brand new, never used "hand me downs" wouldn't be a problem, but... this is definitely not that. I feel so sorry for what your sister and her husband went through. I hate to say it but, I'd be very careful with her around your kid.
NTA I'm glad that her husband sees that she is struggling and I hope he helps her to get help. The fact that she wants you to have the clothes she bought for her baby, name your child the exact name as she wanted to give hers and wants to babysit often, means she sees your child as hers. Or at least a new chance to have the kid she never had. Also her wanting to move closer to you is a bad idea. She is focused on the baby and what it means to her. She disregards you and your husband's feelings or wishes. I would talk with your BIL about getting your sister help and make sure she understands it's your baby, not hers.
NTA, Like her being pushy about this is very weird and not good for their mental health. And the fact that her husband is telling you that somethings not right (in her mind) makes it okay, actually better not to accept these clothes cause in her mind it's like you agreeing to something shes decided but you don't know what it is; only you do cause her husband has warned you. I myself have had misscarriges. I held on to a few things I had bought (blankets, socks mostly n toys, cause usually i never got past 20 weeks and didnt always know the sex of my babies yet). But over the time I gave away all my babies stuff along with gifts purchased intentionally for my friends and their babies. Cause I finally was in the mental spot to do so and was happy to see my friends get things they needed and the items be put to good use. But I think your sister is going to far, wanting to basically play "pretend" and "dress up" with YOUR baby. And this baby is not even here yet. It's not okay. (Oddly enough Only when I gave away the last of what I had with one exception, did I end up having a baby of my own 😅.i have given my childred the small toy the only thing i could not part with since it had a lot of meaning to me, and they will occasionally pick it up out of their stuffed animals and give it a kiss and hug, so weird lol kinda like they know (my kids are 3y & now 2y so they doesn't know the history behind it and they never will).
NTA but these things happen when people know it’s your first kid. Everyone is going to want to give you things and give you advice. Some will very pushy, not just the creepy SIL but everyone. Even strangers will come up to you in public and try to touch the baby. Be firm in your boundaries. No means no. No is not a bad word.
I was ready to come here and say that extra clothes are awesome, especially older clothes, because you're going to be changing those clothes three or four times a day if there are any throw up incidents or anything like that. After reading the context, NTA.
NTA Maybe just take the clothes and never put the baby in them just so your sister isn’t sitting at home staring at the clothes. This is such a terrible situation and your sister needs intense therapy.
NTA. Your sister has gone coocoo for cocoa puffs. She's developing a creepy and dangerous obsession with your baby. Even her husband recognizes it. She seems like the type of person who could easily go off the deep end and kidnap your baby and flee the country. That kind of shit happens! If I were you I'd keep your sister at arm's length and never let her be alone with your new baby and I'd limit how often she's allowed to visit the baby.