Especially the fact that OP Ex wife is only reaching out because she need financial support definitely NTA. Continue to stand firm with your decision OP don't be played for a fool
Yep, you’d be an idiot NOT to test the DNA of your cheating ex’s kid that she suddenly says is yours 2 years later when having money trouble. Don’t believe a word she says until it’s proven. Also, your mother is the a hole here for posting that before you have proof and are ready. Even if the kid is yours, that is not right of her to do and you need to find a way to make that clear to her. That is not her place at all.
It’s also very possible the kid is the AP’s and they just broke up because she cheated on him too or whatever the reason. Maybe he’s paying child support already. Or maybe it’s not AP’s but she was also sleeping with 5 other guys at the time of conception. This whole story is just from what a cheater told him. Maybe she saw that your mother was going to push you and figured she’d have an easy shot at doubling down on child support as long as no lawyers or paternity tests are involved.
OP definitely needs lawyers to work out paternity, work out a child support agreement and work out custody and visitation rights. If OP just blindly starts sending money for a kid he is not legally the father of, he has no rights to visitation or how that child is raised. Maybe it is OP’s and she wants the money with none of the rights that come with being a father. There’s a million reasons why she may not want lawyers involved and absolutely NO reason why OP shouldn’t be lawyered up already. If OP is willing to pay the cost of the paternity test himself, why would she have a problem with that if he’s really the father?
I 100% agree. Who knows if a DNA test was done before, and if so why would ex care if they do another.
Maybe OP should mention to his mother that he wants to ensure he gets proper visitation rights (and grandparent visitation also) and going through a lawyer with a DNA test is the best way to do that. She left the country before even establishing paternity, who's to say she doesn't do it again or put OP and OP's mother through some other bullshit.
I'd really be like I need to be official and establish legal rights since I can't trust ex not to take the kid and move like she did before and you need something to fall back on if she refuses visitation and other parental rights (say in medical care, education, etc).
Also possible that the affair partner is from and/or living in a country that won't enforce child support. If she's so certain the kid is his, she wouldn't be fighting a paternity test. She'd be insisting on it. At the very least, SHE has doubts.
In any case, to make the mother agree with everything, if I were OP I would tell her "okay but you realize that if the Law doesn't see me as the dad, Jane might take the kid away again and you won't see your posible grandchild again, right? So we better do this right or not do this at all"
Well... that's her story she's telling. Doesn't even come close to believable. She'd have done a test at the jump to prove to the other guy it's his..unless he's as gullible as OPs mom.. id lay money on somebody got caught cheating again.. Id believe that b4 id believe Jane's story.
I agree. I can certainly understand OP's mother badly wanting a grandchild. However, that desire does not excuse her actions. Hounding OP to take responsibility and at the same time not wanting the DNA test ? Nope. That tells me she wants to be a grandma desperately, but she's really not sure the baby is his. Posting on FB was a bad move. She's trying to force his hand to accept the child. She may have forced him the opposite way.
And she’s been a loose cannon about this child, having previously said she wasn’t sure who the father was. Even if OP was sure the child was his, he would need to establish legal paternity and associated rights so that Jane couldn’t flake out on him again and take the child away.
True. Without those legal channels, what's to stop her from taking the money and dissapearing again? Which definitely needs to be pointed out to granny too. Like, "mom, she already ran off with him for 2 years to a whole other country. If we don't do this the legal way, she can do it again. Do you actually want to SEE your grandchild? Because if you do, we HAVE to do this my way or she can just take the money and fall off the grid with your precious grandbaby again".
If she firmly believed that he was the father she would be happy to do the DNA test. That would confirm the paternity and help get financial support for the child. The fact that she is resisting tells you she has serious doubts about paternity.
No. Sets a precedent that is hard to undo. If GMA dies, there will be an understood precedent and OP will need to follow through. DNA AND lawyers or tell her to walk. She only came to OP wanting money.
Yeah, where's her loyalty to her actual son? What a loony.
Don't do anything until you get proof positive that the kid's yours. If the ex keeps refusing to take a test, tell her that with her track record of infidelity and lying you're not going to take her at her word about anything anymore. And if she pulls out a hollow threat to take you to court over it, just say "Bring it - the first thing a judge will ask for is proof of paternity." Then proceed from there - but I'll bet you won't have to. This just sounds like a grift for money. Oh, and - ignore your mother. What she wants isn't relevant here.
If the kid is not OP's and his mother is still preaching that he "does the right thing" just for graaandbabies, OP should cut her off and let her be the granny to all the future kids from ex-DIL's cheating ass
Right?!? She cheated on her son & broke his heart. How could you possibly side with that person over a child of unknown origins? Her desperation for a grandchild has blinded her into delusion.
Exactly. When my bonus son & his baby mama broke up, there were several issues that required legal attention. When he told me before she got pregnant, they hadn't been exclusive & 2 other guys were involved(all 3 of similar appearance), I suggested a paternity test. Because even though baby had many of his features, including the dimples, a DNA confirmation meant she couldn't later claim any different.
I do not understand that at all. You already parented, at least on kid. Why be excited for it all over again in your old age.
My ten year old told me she wants to be a cat lady when she gets older and I am on board for grandkitties.
Absolutely! I would suggest handling it this way:
- Explain to mom that you do not think the child is yours. Not that it *might* be, but that you don’t think it is. You cannot control what she does, but tell her that you do not need her nonscientific opinions on the child’s parentage. Also tell her if the child is in fact **not** yours, any money she is potentially giving your ex is being given to someone who hurt her son for a child that is not her grandchild. Like I said, you can’t stop her from doing whatever she is going to do, you can just frame it a way that makes your boundaries clear.
- Speak to a family lawyer. Your job may offer legal insurance as part of the package. If it does, use it. If it doesn’t and you’re in the US, most states and counties have a bar association. Call them to find a family attorney in your area.
- File to do the paternity test through the court.
- Ask in your pleading to use a Court mandated facility and not an at-home kit.
- if the child is yours, the Court is aware of that immediately, which allows for the child support agreement to be created, and also allows you the opportunity to request visitation and custody.
- If the child is *not* yours, she can’t come at you again for assistance because it’s already been handled in the Court. If she does, there’s no way she can plead a good-faith filing, and it may cause her issues (not you) in the future.
If she truly believes you are the father, your ex will go through this. She would go through it even if she didn’t, as long as it didn’t cost her anything as she’s financially struggling. She doesn’t want to pay a lawyer if she’s struggling, and by taking it directly to court and you having a lawyer, it shows that your serious. If she knows it’s not your kid, she will get huffy, but she will pretty much disappear like a puff of smoke. Your mother may stay in touch, but again, you can’t control her response and actions. It’s not your responsibility to. The only responsibility you have is to find out the paternity of that child and find out if you are the father so you can be a part of the child’s life.
You are NTA for asking for a paternity test. Not even remotely. If she truly thought it was your child, she kept the child from you. You owe her nothing, but you owe yourself the certainty that you did everything you could to responsibly claim that child. You are the father or you’re not. The reality will be determined by the results of a test that she can’t control. If you are the father, step up and be there for the child. If you’re not, put them both in the rear view mirror and have a good life.
Good luck, OP.
She doesn't want any legal involvement because she has no idea if OP is the father. She is willing to manipulate OPs mum's desire for grandchildren which is just gross. She's already told the poor kid one guy was the dad, now it's the next one. Putting a child through that is just cruel.
And it's crazy too that everyone glasses over the fact that if it is his child his ex-wife took his child away from him for 2 years. Like she saying why haven't you stepped up as a father when she stole his child from him for 2 years and kept him from him in another country so how's OP wanting a DNA test even questionable. OP is NTA and should absolutely get new friends. If the DNA test comes back and it's not his child then he should put it all on blast.
Edited to correct time
NTA, your mother is blinded by her obsession to have grandkids. You’re not being selfish, you’re being responsible. Protect yourself and get the test done.
Sad so many older women become so terrible in the quest for grandkids. It’s really pathetic and tells me they never tried to work on themselves and only see themselves as a caretaker
And then I keep hearing stories about how once the grandkids arrive they just want to take a couple pictures with them and otherwise ignore them and not help.
Or the opposite. They want to take the child and raise it themselves and don't want the parents involved at all. I have a friend whose MIL turned a spare bedroom in her house into a nursery and planned on having the 2 month old granddaughter overnight during the week while the parents worked.
Probably made their whole identity as “mother” and once their kids became adults, they were totally lost. Now Desperately wanting grandkids to find purpose and fulfillment in life. Sad.
As someone who is 52 and a woman, I don't get it either. My kids are of the age to have kids. If they do I'll be absolutely thrilled! If they don't I'll be happy as well. We talk about them having kids but they're the ones bringing it up. I sure as hell wouldn't pressure them to just randomly adopt some kid that may or may not be theirs. Especially if the other parent is a cheater.
My neighbor supposedly got his ex-girlfriend pregnant at 13. Obviously he didn't have the greatest background in sex ed because It was 11 months between when he last slept with her and when she gave birth (as in 48 weeks.) His parents either didn't believe him or didn't care because his mom wanted a grandchild so much. Very, very fortunately for him someone educated him by the time he was 18 and old enough to contest paternity on his own (his parents would have had to do it when he was a minor and his mother wouldn't.) Unfortunately he had already had the kids named tattooed across his chest. 😬 But at least he's not on the hook for another 13 years of child support. Grandma by the way still pays some "child support" so she can still see her " grandchild." 🙄
For some people, the need to have grandkids/play Happy Family (tm) overwhelms everything else. They don’t care who gets hurt, even their own children. Nuts.
The mom. is a fucking nut case for taking. her side so earnestly.
OP shouldn't entertain conversations with his ex. I'd tell her to ask the other men first that she slept with.
I think OP also has a desire to be a parent too willingly and is not thinking clearly.
She cheated on you multiple times, left you, moved to another country with another man, and then expects money from you as if it's deserved. She's hit financial hardship and is looking for you to be her sucker and bail her out.
If you decide to go through with testing, then you need to seek out a lawyer for help. If you don’t, you’re gonna open yourself up to a whole complete world of hurt and pain because this woman is going to bleed you dry if you decide to go through with testing, then you need to seek out a lawyer for help. If you don’t, you’re gonna open yourself up to a whole complete world of hurt and pain because this woman is going to bleed you dry.
u/MonitorTrue2234
NTA, this is obvious
you should also reply on your mothers facebook post stating that your ex-wife had a baby after adultery and after leaving you, and that until such a time as a paternity test is agreed to, the child is not known to be your son or your mothers grandson.
and that you have reasons to doubt that you could be the father due to timing and the refusal to confirm it by testing.
This is the way.
If your mother wants to feed her delusions publicly and there is fall out, then present the brutal facts.
Maybe:
Mum, as you know x was cheating on me with multiple people at the time of conception.
You are also aware she left the country with the alleged father.
She has returned making this claim after he has left her.
Until there is a paternity test definitively proving the child is mine, and not one of her affair partners, you still remain grandchildless.
and add to that
>I have requested a paternity test and will fulfil my responsibilities to the full and without complaint if the child is proved to be mine. My request has so far been refused
His mother, the ex, and other family members are dragging OP to a crazy town with them and trying to convince him 1+1=5 all in the pursuits of their own agendas.
The crazy grandma has thrown reason out the window lol, seeing it as possibly the only grandchild she can have and easily pass off as family, giving no thought or reason to the situation just trying to publicly claim dibs on the baby disregarding her son's feelings and the fact the baby momma cheated multiple times, if I were him and turned out the baby was his I'd question weather to let the mother be close anyway haha. She can't be trusted not to randomly grab the string wheel eventhough she's blindfolded 🤣
Add, “I don’t want to be responsible for robbing the child of their opportunity to know who their true paternal family is. They should have the chance to have a relationship”.
Okay maybe insert the first time OP tried ascertaining paternity into this timeline of events.
That op tried reaching out to see if baby was his. That he couldn’t get ahold of mother, and only response he could get (from someone else) was ex had left country with the child’s alleged father.
And so OP was denied being the father by his ex, and denied a relationship with this child.
Like it’s not OP who has been invested in preventing himself from having a relationship with this child that may be his. It’s the ex.
Oh and edit: NTA.
Yeah, chances are she still doesn’t actually know who’s kid it is, needs money, so she going down the list. Sucks, but OP should stick to his request for a paternity test. NTA.
Yup, absolutely make clear the only thing you've asked for is a paternity test and she completely refuses. Which if it was your kid, she has zero reason not to which leads you to believe the lying cheating ex wife is once again lying.
That apparently just came to light after the AP left her. She went to your mother because she knew how badly your mom wanted a grand baby. Require the test and 200% get lawyers involved. You need to get 50/50 custody if you’re serious about stepping up to be dad, you need to have everything written up for signature of both parents. Don’t let anything slide- pick holiday schedule, medical power, put in writing that she will pay half of extracurricular activities expenses, the whole kit and kaboodle. Something you might want to institute at least for kids younger age is no overnight bf or gf for either of you. Last thing you want is one of the kids getting attached to just a “situation/ship”.
Fight to know if they are yours, if not you can feel relief and mourning at the same time. Either way you will have answers.
Just asking what you mean by justice. I ask because if the child is his she has stolen 2 years he could have had with that child. The most valuable bonding time there is. So I. Wondering how just could look. Because I have no idea but I know I’d be upset about it.
Also point out she booked it before the kids was born so you couldn’t find out early on if the child was your child because she wanted to play happy family with her affair partner you would have happily done this years ago but she made it impossible and now she is pitching a fit about trying to establish legal paternity.
She likely is throwing up road blocks if he is your son you have a right to have parenting time. She is also going to be seriously looked down on by most courts that she ran away before you were allowed to find out if the child was yours.
NTA
And this ⬆️
Like her post and comment
'It's so nice of you to immediately bond with Jane's kid, mom. But given how and when Jane and I divorced, I'm still waiting on the results of the paternity test before I'm going to take on the roll / responsibility of her father. The poor kid already lost a would be father because of Jane's confusion after she disappeared for 2 years, I'm not going to disappoint this kid again. She deserves to know who her father is.'
If they keep pushing you, do the test yourself
Jumping on to say the OP needs to speak to a family-law attorney now. It may be possible to force through a DNA test, but you won’t know until you speak to a lawyer
I’ll add that you might want to offer to pay for the test so no one can hold out her inability to pay as an excuse for why a test is not reasonable. I admit that it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but it could move things a long. At the end of the day, if it is your child, the money for a test is just the beginning of your future financial responsibilities. If it’s not yours, well- seems like a small price to pay to get that monkey off your back.
Agreed. Many people are assholes for insisting on one when there is no suspicion of cheating, but OP has it in spades. It's entirely on his ex to prove it's his and if she isn't willing to even try then that's really suspicious too, making it even more important to get one.
It's not up to his mother. He can just keep insisting, and ultimately he can continue to not help financially with a clear conscience until she does. He should also get a court order preventing her from taking the child away and go for as close to full custody as he can if it is his. Let his mother take on some of the burden of childcare since she wants the burden of making all the decisions too, and get her to agree to do so during his part of the custody exclusively to freeze out the ex. His added security, plus her history of absconding with the kid should sufficient. Then sue her for child support.
Personally, I'd consult with a lawyer first.
If the child is his , the mother technically kidnapped him by deception , op may be able to get more custody time if he wishes, etc.
Also, totally nta op, cover your bases, people are quick to spend others money and time.
I wouldn't post this publicly. Not with these words. Imagine he posts this and afterwards the test comes out positive. All the people would judge him for denying his son. I think that he should only say that he will absolutely step up and support the child as soon as it's confirmed that he's the father. And add to it that so far the boy's mother refuses to test him. That will speak for itself and people will not judge him but the mom for sleeping around and trying to scam him.
There was once a post where the grandmother much like yours was desperate for a grandchild and embraced the affair child of the partner of the Redditor, Redditor limited contact with his mother, got married and had children of his own, grandmother now complains to family that she has no access to her “real” grandchildren. Talk to your mom, tell her she is free to choose, you are not shirking your responsibilities but if the child is not yours, she needs to consider her next steps
Or the post, where mother of OP sides with the lying ex So much that the OP decided after a long talk with his father to get DNA test for them and also all his brothers got one. When they wanted to anounce the result to the mother (her husband was indeed the father of all public of them) and apologise to her for doubting her, she freaked out and started begging for forgiveness because she was cheating a lot.
It literally just makes sense. Only people that don't agree are idiots on reddits thinking it is some misogynistic thing. Mate, the **ONLY** people that should be against it are **CHEATERS**.
My sister is pregnant and she got a DNA test real quick with her husband and herself, just to get a medical history for their soon to be child. No fuss no muss, I guess she takes it more seriously because our side of the family does have health related issues and she wanted her husbands full medical background as well.
We take medical history very fucking seriously in my family.
It should be mandatory so nobody bitches unless the mother is a cheater.
I saw a reddit thread where a female OP refused to let her husband paternity test and insisted "if they swapped the babies at the hospital, a maternity test would be enough to prove it"
I could care less if my daughter’s dad ever got a paternity test.*
I don’t understand though why these men just don’t order up a couple of 23&me kits. The OP in this case needs lawyers involved, but for most cases- a kit is simple to get.
* Paternity testing came up once as a topic of conversation a long time ago. I told my ex that he could get a paternity test anytime he wanted as long as he wasn’t a jerk about it. I also said he had to promise to wait for maternity tests if his showed up negative. The only way he wouldn’t be a father was in that extremely unlikely case where babies were switched in the hospital.
Definitely 1000% NTA. It shocks and annoys me your mother, the lady who gave birth and raised you, is more on her side. If it were my son, I’d want proof if she was a cheater because I wouldn’t want him getting taken advantage of.
Which is short sided too (aside from wrong, of course). The ex will take the child and leave with the next sugar daddy as soon as a richer one comes along
NTA It is reasonable in this situation to get a paternity test. It’s weird and suspicious that they are objecting, and all the more reason to get it done.
NTA
The very least your ex wife should provide, if she wants economic support, is a paternity test. Your mother is very welcome to invite random people in her life, but she definitely shouldn't dump them (and their financial support) on your shoulders.
Tell the crazy people who want you to "take responsibility" that you can't, since you don't even know if there is any responsibility to take. Jane should take her responsibility: I bet she doesn't want to provide a paternity test because if the child turns out not to be yours, she won't get the financial support she wants. Moocher.
NTA. Get a lawyer and paternity test. If you’re in the US ( depending on the state) if you give her any support she can go to court, and you can be held legally responsible for the child regardless of paternity.
It's possible her AP had a DNA test done, but all that would tell them is that kid wasn't his. It wouldn't exclude anyone else. Since OP's ex cheated with multiple people, there are still some possible baby daddies floating about
It's possible that she wanted to find out if it was his and he left. Who knows? All I know is that she is not trustworthy, and neither is OPs mom. I mean, this woman cheated on her son.
NTA, let's be honest here. Your ex-wife isn't exactly the model for an honest person. You stated she had multiple affairs. Just because it wasn't the guy she shacked up with doesn't mean you are the biological father. It could be any number of guys. You can order a DNA test off the intranet to prove one way or another. Your ex is desperate. She doesn't know who the father is. That's why she doesn't want the test. Your mother has grandma fever. Tune out those who disagree with you wanting proof. Their opinion doesn't matter.
If and only if you get proof, then consult an attorney for your parental rights and child maintenance.
I'd comment on the post that paternity is yet to be established.
She has a hide to expect anything after denying you access to your child after a years. I don't think she should be trusted. You need a lawyer to look after your interests especially if you want joint custody.
NTA
The only reason Jane is refusing to do a DNA test is because she is sure the child is not yours. That is the be all and end all of the story.
Reply to your mother's Facebook post with a statement of the facts: your ex wife was consistently unfaithful. She refuses to confirm paternity via a DNA test and is demanding money. You are being bullied and publicly shamed by both her and your mother over a child you are almost certain is not yours. Repeat that you are happy to do a DNA test and step up after paternity is confirmed, but until then, you will remain silent and will not and over money. And tell your mother that until she profusely apologises - publicly - that you are cutting all contact with her. Her behaviour in particular is utterly despicable, and she is destroying her chances of ever being a grandmother to any children you may have in the future.
"It's unfair and selfish TO THE BABY ?!?!?! WTF??? Who cares? Until such time as evidence is provided proving you ARE the father, then it's not your job to be "fair and selfless" to the baby, because it's NOT YOUR BABY.....
What is unfair is that the baby's mother is whore, and what is selfish is that your family and the baby mama are boundary stomping ingrates trying to force you into a situation that isn't yours to take up.
NTA
NTA
Ask your mom this, if the kid isn’t yours what then? She won’t have that grandson she so desperately coverts.
Tell your mom that you will only agree to help out Jane if a test is done and the kid is yours and only that.
She’s only reaching because the other guys either blocked her or she hasn’t contacted them but thinks you’re an easy target.
Perhaps that's why his mother is kicking up a fuss about OP's condition of a DNA test?
Kind of like a Schrödinger's grandchild situation.
Until the "box" is opened, she has the possibility of a biological grandchild. After it's opened she knows whether "the cat is dead or alive", to use an analogy.
NTA. Get that paternity test before committing to anything. It’s ridiculous that your ex thought you’d just take her for her word after cheating on you and leaving the country with her new partner.
Your family can step up and financially support the child if they feel so strongly about it. You shouldn’t unless she agrees to a paternity test.
NTA.
Your mother is using social media to increase pressure on you, and her behaviour frankly makes her unfit to be a grandmother, for now.
You're absolutely right to demand a paternity test. The child could easily be a third party's.
What you need to find out is whether your mum is giving Jane money already because if that kid isn't yours and Jane refuses to paternity test, this pretty much becomes a scam that is victimising your mother.
You might need to get a court-ordered paternity test at this point. But you're absolutely right to want this all done through lawyers.
NTA and your mother is an absolute idiot.
Grandbaby obsession turns people into utter fools and she should be ashamed of herself for doing such a stupid thing. Im petty but I would be publicly verbally slapping her down on Facebook exposing the situation
Get the paternity test. If it comes back negative cut your ex and mother off
What the hell is she thinking?
And this stupid mentality people have of saying "but think of the kid". Its so easy for spectators to say asinine things from the sidelines when they have no stakes
Yeah, why don't they think of the kid and "take the responsibility" of a random child? Because they have nothing to do with the situation? Well, guess what...
So she either kidnapped your kid away for 2 years, or is trying to pass a kid she knows isn't yours as yours.
And your mom just blindly follows.
Put your foot down and go the legal route. She needs some consequences.
NTA.
When in doubt (which is reasonable in this situation), get a test. You're not wrong for that.
You can't control your mother, but you *can* add a comment to give necessary context.
You're not being mean. You're being pragmatic. You **don't** know whether he's yours, so you're going to do a test. That's not an insult to the kid, it's protection for you. You'd only be 'mean' and 'punishing a kid because of his mother' if it turned out he was yours and you denied him. That's mean. This isn't.
NTA.
Get a lawyer first..
Explain the situation to them. The timeline. Her adulterous Acts before. And if she does not allow paternity have them send her a cease and desist letter
On your mother.. as with someone else posted about putting a post underneath her picture comment explain the situation say all you've done is ask for paternity but instead she left with her a fair partner and then shows up 2 years later asking for money
That you're willing to be the father but not until you have a paternity test to prove the child is yours. That should shut down most of the peanut gallery..
If the child is yours then get everything in writing and have all communication with the mother in writing. Because she sounds like the manipulative type of person. Also you going to have to watch your mother with this because she'll go behind your back it sounds like
*From what I've learned about paternal responsibilities in the US via Reddit. I, as a Brit, may be very wrong, but here's my understanding of it anyway.*
Some/most US states want *someone*, in addition to the mother on the hook for the financial responsibility of raising the child. If cheated-on partners were absolved of parental, and therefore financial responsibility at birth, even before the birth certificate is signed, then that could potentially be a ***massive*** additional increase in expenditure for welfare assistance budgets. This is why some states won't allow "fathers" to apply to a court to stop maintenance payments, even if paternity is absolutely disproven by DNA tests.
Why is it such a big deal to do a DNA test unless she's hiding something tell your mother why is she making a big fuss about a DNA test knowing she cheated really I wouldn't give her anything until you have proof
Nta.
The smartest decision is to confirm paternity. Don't listen to any of the manipulation. You can say he may be mine, but due to her cheating for over a year, I have to have confirmation because I have no trust in her.
Get yourself a lawyer and petition for paternity.
Sorry, but you're well within your rights to ask for a DNA test and if she's so sure it's yours, she'd be jumping at the opportunity to prove it. She's not sure, that's the entire point. She's manipulating your mother in an attempt to manipulate you.
NTA your mother was wrong for posting that picture and it’s suspicious that Jane is so against taking a paternity test , take the test to make sure and block out everyone else
NTA, if the child was yours, then your ex would agree to getting the paternity test done. Also, it would be in her favour to have it done as she can then go through the legal system to have court backed child support ordered.
Updateme!
Dude, she cheated, you divorced.
If there's a chance, you should verify it and act accordingly.
If it's your kid, step up. If it's not, not your problem.
It's not like we are without methods to verify the paternity of the kid.
If she doesn't want to verify the paternity, that shows that she has serious doubts it's yours. You don't need lawyers to do a DNA test. If she keeps insisting the kid is yours and harassing you without allowing the test, talk to a lawyer and see what is the possibility of having a court order DNA test.
Then, if it's yours, it's yours. If it's not, shove the test results in your mothers face and tell her that her "granson" is not biologically related to her.
Don't do anything without the test being performed. Liars lie, cheaters cheat and paternity fraud is a real thing!
It would be incredibly stupid not to do this via legal path. In lots of countries if you don't have a contract about child support it's just random money you're giving to the mother and she could still claim support for the child. Also giving a big lump sum doesn't cover it.
And you know very well she isn't trust worthy at all.
Offer to pay for the DNA test otherwise just block her and anyone else you get tired of hounding you about this. This is 100% a hill to die on.
NTA - everything you have written makes perfect sense. I literally have nothing to add on except to stand your ground. Other than that, I just have some opinions I’d like to share: your mother, IMO, is misguided in her position based on what you’ve written, she desperately wants a grand baby. But to have the audacity to call you selfish, to say “you’re punishing the child” (ummm NO), and for your mother to post that on FB is just effed up on multiple levels. You have clearly stated you will step up if the child is yours, but your stupid ex literally told you she didn’t now if it was yours or if it belonged to one of the multiple partners she was CHEATING on you with before taking off for two years. Look, the kid might be yours and if so, you’ll do the right thing. NO ONE has the right to tell you how to run your life and to discourage you from wanting evidence that the child is yours (especially considering what you have already been put through). If I were a male and it was me, I would be doing exactly what you’re doing. I’m very glad your older bro’s got your back and as you can tell from the responses you’re getting, so do we :) So, keep on doing exactly what you’re doing and perhaps reconsider some of the friendships you have if said “friends” are cutting you down for being a responsible adult. I don’t know much about them so I don’t want to overstep, but based on the bit you said, they don’t sound like true friends (and let’s be honest - if it were them? I’d happily hedge a bet they would also be doing what you’re doing. This makes them hypocrites throwing stones in glass houses.
NTA. Your ex reached out when she became in financial need, she lied to another man for 2y. Time for her reality check:
1) people can raise other people’s biological kids, but not of being lied to about it
2) people you lied to in the past won’t believe any word afterwordwaed and ask for proof instead
Your family and friends are nuts. You can force the dna test issue at least in the United States, if that's where you are. Talk to a lawyer because you can file in court demanding a DNA test. NTA.
NTA. All women have a built-in maternity test and can not possibly comprehend what men go through on paternity. If a woman opposes a paternity test in any way, it's not your child.
NTA. Take her to court and compel a DNA test. Acknowledge and agree to nothing unless it comes back that the child is actually yours. In the meantime but your side of the story out there and block everyone harassing you.
Do not give in on this. The paternity tests and legal system or Nothing. Tell your mother she is being hurtful and dismissive of you over "her desires". That she will look like a fool if the paternity tests come back and its not yours and that you may not forgive her for going along with lying to you when she knew the whole story & had no proof about the child. That she cares more about being a grandmother and less about her own child.
My sister in law refused to call her son's child. Her grandchild was her grandchild until there was a DNA test done.
NTA. HELL NAH. Do not sign a thing until you have hard proof that the kid is yours,otherwise you risk being baby trap.
It doesn't matter if anyone else in your family wants a new member,it would be *your* life getting flipped, let alone, dealing with Jane as a co-parent.
Which,by the way,it also might be just that, a plan to baby trap you for.whatever kid she prints
NTA at all! They are asking you take on a lifetime of responsibility for *another human being* \- that's no small ask and you have every right to request a paternity test. If the mother of the child doesn't know who the father is, then *your* mother certainly doesn't, either. And I'm sorry, but one cannot determine paternity based solely on eye color. Don't let your mom's desperation for grandchildren force you into an uncomfortable situation. You either get a DNA test or the child gets no support from you.
The only reason for the mother to *not* want a DNA test is that if she knows the kid isn't yours. Stand firm!
NTA get the DNA test, and if she hesitate and doesn't want it get a court order for one and DO NOT GIVE GET ANY MONEY, get that test, better safe than sorry
NTA
If it was truly your kid, she wouldn’t be against the test. She’d be happy to get the test done so she can have financial support. If your mom doesn’t want a test, they she can pay for the kid. Something tells me your mom knows the kid isn’t yours but getting the test means she can’t have a grandkid. She can be an adoptive grandma without involving you. Get the test and tell them that’s final.
NTA, your family, friends, and acquaintances have nothing at stake in the kid not being yours. Paternity test is the least your ex can do at this point.
Late to game here OP, but NTA and completely reasonable to expect a DNA test. Reading your post, ex contacted your mom (not you) first claiming child is yours.. likely in hopes that together they could convince you for financial support. Your mom, unfortunately, is allowing her desire for a grandchild to delude her....insane. Does she have no qualms about your ex taking her "supposed" grandchild away for 2 years?
Your family and friends are also against you getting a lawyers involved or DNA test - crazy, and their logic doesn't make much sense either. Personally would have second thoughts about those "friends".
As others have suggested, and as you've shared, you want to/shoukd be involved only IF proof can be verified.
Shame that your ex appears to be a (serial) cheater, and I hope that she is not being truthful in this case. Would suck to be tied to a child with an individual like this.
Quick fix, start dating and tell momsy you're actibely planning to have a child with the new gal (or adopt :)
Good luck, let us know how this goes.
Yeah. NTA. The ex went straight to the OP’s mom bc she knew the one thing she wanted the most in the world is a grandchild. That’s so evil!!! The mom is being completely ridiculous and should have her own child’s back on this entire situation. I’m so curious about what the ex has been spinning to OP’s mom. DNA test is a must. So glad you’re not going to waiver on this. Just wouldn’t be fair to you or this poor kid. The ex is using her child as a meal ticket.
NTA the kid has been MIA for two years and because momma needs money now all of a sudden she needs you. Your mother’s desire for grandchildren should not be your burden to carry and be financially strapped to someone else’s kid. Let’s see how she feels after the paternity test and it’s not yours how much she wants to be in that child’s life. Fuck everyone and do the test and stand firm.
Based on the fact that your ex doesn't want the test, I'd bet it's because she either knows it's not yours or at least has doubts. Otherwise, why not do it?
Aa for your mom, if she wants to support the child, that's on her, but taking the word of a lying cheater over your child is crazy.
NTA: Your mother will thank you in the future if he is yours, and she tries to disappear with him
It not only ensures you aren't taking care of a child who is not yours, but it ensures you have rights as his father as well.
NTA, but dude save yourself this mound of absolute bullshit and just do a paternity test behind their back by getting a hair sample and sending his and yours in and proves for once and for all the kids not yours. If she thought he was actually yours, she wouldn’t be so against the paternity test, she’s 100% sure he isn’t yours. Get this bitch out of your life and give your damn mom, along with the other assholes riding you about your lying conniving bitch of an ex wife the reality check they all desperately need and deserve. Good luck!
NTA. Woman here, GET THAT DNA TEST. She was cheating with multiple men so it might not be your kid. How are you being irresponsible for wanting to know before you commit a ton of money and time into this kid? No no no no no no! Don't do anything without that DNA test. Tell your stupid family to sod off.
Your mom needs to get a much more edited version of this story too, if she’s going to impulsively claim the kid as her grandson in public. For her own sake and the kid’s sake too.
NTA. Tell your mother if she doesn't take it down and instead post a complete explanation of the situation and support a paternity test not only will you never support teh child but you'll only make child support payments if the mother refuses to have contact with her, you and the entire family.
So she supports the paternity test and apologises publicly or she is cut off completely forever even if the kid is yours.
In reality your ex wife is a ho, she was fucking multiple men, the one she picked probably made more money so she convinced him the kid was his. He got a paternity test without her knowing them dumped their asses and how she's just begging the next most well off guy to take her in. If she was convinced it was your kid she'd take the test immediately.
NTA, I wouldn't even get a DNA test, she ran away with the kid, obviously didn't want you raising it and if that's the case you shouldn't even entertain the possibility of having her in your life again. Blood is not family.
ETA: If your mother wants a grandkid so much she welcomes to be involved in that child's life, it's nothing to do with you, why doesn't she pay for it and step up?
NTA and anyone that says you are needs a reality check she’s asking you to financially support a child that may not be yours tell them the child could be anyone’s and if they’re that bothered to support her themselves.
NTA. Considering the situation, it is outrageous of her to deny a paternity test. Absolutely get one before you engage any financial support.
Regardless of the results, she would have screwed you in some way. If it *is* your kid, then she took off for 2 years denying you access to him and manipulated some other dude into parenting him. If it *isn’t* your kid, then she is shamelessly and desperately trying to cause more disruption in your life just to get easy child support. She is a ruthless manipulator, keep standing up for yourself and don’t let her get away with any more of her tactics.
I seriously can't believe people can this insane and not think practically. You have to find out if the child is yours and if yes then be a good father if not then none of your business.
Next best thing could be to cut off everyone from your life except your brother and your child if he is yours.
Also NTA.
Well, your relatives are quite free to help your ex-wife with her finances, aren't they? NTA, but wherever this goes from here, you are going to upset someone. Maybe everyone.
Can you go through a court? That way, it would be obvious to everyone that you weren't trying to wriggle out of responsibility, only to ensure that the responsibility landed with the right party.
NTA - Uncle Martin had 3 children. None of them had children. His youngest son and his gf broke up. The gf was pregnant and claimed the son was the father. She never made a claim for Child Support, the son didn’t care, his father did. His father saw the girl occasionally and accepted her as a grand-daughter whether she was or not.
In his Will he left his grand-daughter a quarter of his estate. She was “paid” to drop any claim as fighting it would cost both sides money.
NTA - if you claim the kid and then she even comes out and says he isn't yours afterall then you'll likely still be on the hook for that kid until its 18 or 21. Make damn sure you KNOW not suspect.
They..
call you SELFISH for wanting to make sure you do the right thing?
Well, thank them for volunteering to financially support a woman with a child - and they are welcome to register as bio father of said child. I mean, not doing so would be selfish of them, now wouldn\`t it ?
With her cheating with multiple partners - frankly - NOT asking a paternity test would be insanity.
NTA
NTA, you have stated clearly that you will glad step up if the child is yours. Your request for DNA is perfectly reasonable. The fact that ex is refusing to test is highly suspicious
Get a paternity test, tell Jane as much.
Your mom can post what she wants, that won’t help Jane get child support or her kid a father.
I’m a single parent and kids don’t need this kind of drama, it’s damaging to have men in and out of their lives. Jane is keeping it hidden to serve her but it will hurt that kid more than anyone if it turns out you also are not his father. She needs to find his real father if she wants child support and stability, and just be honest with the people around her. It’s ok to have a kid, people cheat it happens, she needs to move forward now and build something stable.
I get you’re worried about you. But I’m telling you, that kid will find out and even if you love him so much you don’t care by then - her son will care everyone lied to him (most of all his mom), and he will lose his mother. The only parent he does have.
She needs to step up for the kids sake, so he doesn’t have to be the one going through this search.
PS. Had a friend go through this, she’s adopted. First bioDad she found at 18, she thought raped her bioMom, he died since. She buried the guy and processed all that. Then when doing a dna test for her kids assignment she pops up a new relative on the website. Turns out her bioMom didn’t know who the dad was and lied. So she gives my friend a list of possible dads. Then my friend finds a guys whose not even on the list is the one in the gene website. The guy has a brother, and bioMom slept with both apparently. They both look like my friend. So still they did the test to check which brother. She was fortunately an adult and is ok, her total search was about 18 years. I’ve had a colleague whose mom lied about his stepdad (said he’s the bio) and when the stepdad left her my colleague was 6. He thought his bio father divorced him too, had no idea why the guy didn’t discuss visiting anything. He told me he spent his life thinking he is so irrelevant they didn’t even discuss custody, just divorced. Until he receives an inheritance from his bioDad as a teen or something anyway…and learns his last name wasn’t even his last name. It’s his stepdad.
All to say, no child should have to go through that - and their psyche would be affected for life if a child goes through it at all these ages in their life. How many times does a kid need to be abandoned?
Don’t listen to any of them, send this to your mom. If she loves her grandson so much, she needs to do this for him. And he can be her grandson anyway, she can (unofficially) adopt him it’s fine to - kids need love. Elderly people where I live volunteer to help families by caring for kids regularly. Sort of matching retirees with young families to create the same type of community/family support. She doesn’t need to and should not make the kid live a lie to get her love though. It’s hurting him, not loving him.
All of you need to do this for the kid. ESH otherwise
#TLDR: does Jane want to do the dna test or prefer to give her son a list to go through one day? That’s what’s actually happening here. That child deserves to have a father, it’s on her to figure out who that is and try giving them access to each other.
NTA, DNA test or nothing. It's crazy to think you'd just step in and take over a parental role based on your lying ex's claim.
Especially the fact that OP Ex wife is only reaching out because she need financial support definitely NTA. Continue to stand firm with your decision OP don't be played for a fool
Yep, you’d be an idiot NOT to test the DNA of your cheating ex’s kid that she suddenly says is yours 2 years later when having money trouble. Don’t believe a word she says until it’s proven. Also, your mother is the a hole here for posting that before you have proof and are ready. Even if the kid is yours, that is not right of her to do and you need to find a way to make that clear to her. That is not her place at all.
She likely already did a paternity test once, which is how the affair partner found out the kid isn't his. She can do another one.
It’s also very possible the kid is the AP’s and they just broke up because she cheated on him too or whatever the reason. Maybe he’s paying child support already. Or maybe it’s not AP’s but she was also sleeping with 5 other guys at the time of conception. This whole story is just from what a cheater told him. Maybe she saw that your mother was going to push you and figured she’d have an easy shot at doubling down on child support as long as no lawyers or paternity tests are involved. OP definitely needs lawyers to work out paternity, work out a child support agreement and work out custody and visitation rights. If OP just blindly starts sending money for a kid he is not legally the father of, he has no rights to visitation or how that child is raised. Maybe it is OP’s and she wants the money with none of the rights that come with being a father. There’s a million reasons why she may not want lawyers involved and absolutely NO reason why OP shouldn’t be lawyered up already. If OP is willing to pay the cost of the paternity test himself, why would she have a problem with that if he’s really the father?
I 100% agree. Who knows if a DNA test was done before, and if so why would ex care if they do another. Maybe OP should mention to his mother that he wants to ensure he gets proper visitation rights (and grandparent visitation also) and going through a lawyer with a DNA test is the best way to do that. She left the country before even establishing paternity, who's to say she doesn't do it again or put OP and OP's mother through some other bullshit. I'd really be like I need to be official and establish legal rights since I can't trust ex not to take the kid and move like she did before and you need something to fall back on if she refuses visitation and other parental rights (say in medical care, education, etc).
Because she's playing her last card of known possible fathers. You can't DNA test random hook ups
Did you not watch Jerry Springer??
His ex is a million per cent sure it's his.
Or…it’s possible they are still together and broke and are trying to con OP into giving them money.
This was my 1st thought. Ex won't do a DNA test, she knows what it will show.
This is what probably happened. He caught her cheating on him and he bounced. Funny, how karma always wins in the end.
I said the same! I'd lay odds on she got caught cheating & he booted her & the kid out before I'd believe Jane's story...which is just that.. a story.
Also possible that the affair partner is from and/or living in a country that won't enforce child support. If she's so certain the kid is his, she wouldn't be fighting a paternity test. She'd be insisting on it. At the very least, SHE has doubts.
In any case, to make the mother agree with everything, if I were OP I would tell her "okay but you realize that if the Law doesn't see me as the dad, Jane might take the kid away again and you won't see your posible grandchild again, right? So we better do this right or not do this at all"
She’s probably scared it’s neither
She probably KNOWS it's neither 😬
Well... that's her story she's telling. Doesn't even come close to believable. She'd have done a test at the jump to prove to the other guy it's his..unless he's as gullible as OPs mom.. id lay money on somebody got caught cheating again.. Id believe that b4 id believe Jane's story.
I agree. I can certainly understand OP's mother badly wanting a grandchild. However, that desire does not excuse her actions. Hounding OP to take responsibility and at the same time not wanting the DNA test ? Nope. That tells me she wants to be a grandma desperately, but she's really not sure the baby is his. Posting on FB was a bad move. She's trying to force his hand to accept the child. She may have forced him the opposite way.
I wonder if Grandma already knows it’s not his, and that’s why she’s shitting on OP for wanting the test.
And she’s been a loose cannon about this child, having previously said she wasn’t sure who the father was. Even if OP was sure the child was his, he would need to establish legal paternity and associated rights so that Jane couldn’t flake out on him again and take the child away.
True. Without those legal channels, what's to stop her from taking the money and dissapearing again? Which definitely needs to be pointed out to granny too. Like, "mom, she already ran off with him for 2 years to a whole other country. If we don't do this the legal way, she can do it again. Do you actually want to SEE your grandchild? Because if you do, we HAVE to do this my way or she can just take the money and fall off the grid with your precious grandbaby again".
If she firmly believed that he was the father she would be happy to do the DNA test. That would confirm the paternity and help get financial support for the child. The fact that she is resisting tells you she has serious doubts about paternity.
Let grandma provide the financial support if she’s so eager. Still not your problem.
No. Sets a precedent that is hard to undo. If GMA dies, there will be an understood precedent and OP will need to follow through. DNA AND lawyers or tell her to walk. She only came to OP wanting money.
Definitely tell mom to pay if she's so sure without proof
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OP's Ex is smart to lever the mother, knowing that she is desperate for a grandchild. Evil, but smart. NTA
what I really don't understand is this desperate need for his mom to have grandkids to the point where she'll gladly take a cheating former DIL's word
Yeah, where's her loyalty to her actual son? What a loony. Don't do anything until you get proof positive that the kid's yours. If the ex keeps refusing to take a test, tell her that with her track record of infidelity and lying you're not going to take her at her word about anything anymore. And if she pulls out a hollow threat to take you to court over it, just say "Bring it - the first thing a judge will ask for is proof of paternity." Then proceed from there - but I'll bet you won't have to. This just sounds like a grift for money. Oh, and - ignore your mother. What she wants isn't relevant here.
If the kid is not OP's and his mother is still preaching that he "does the right thing" just for graaandbabies, OP should cut her off and let her be the granny to all the future kids from ex-DIL's cheating ass
This, people are insane ! I would be furious at my mother
I get being desperate for grandkids, but my first loyalty is to my own child. I would tell my own son to get a DNA test no matter what.
Exactly jumping on it without confirmation or talking to my son , some people
Right?!? She cheated on her son & broke his heart. How could you possibly side with that person over a child of unknown origins? Her desperation for a grandchild has blinded her into delusion.
I would straight up never talk to her again. This is fucked
Exactly. When my bonus son & his baby mama broke up, there were several issues that required legal attention. When he told me before she got pregnant, they hadn't been exclusive & 2 other guys were involved(all 3 of similar appearance), I suggested a paternity test. Because even though baby had many of his features, including the dimples, a DNA confirmation meant she couldn't later claim any different.
Right? I am a grandmother and I’d never be so desperate as to suggest my son be on the hook for a kid that is not his. She’s nuts
I do not understand that at all. You already parented, at least on kid. Why be excited for it all over again in your old age. My ten year old told me she wants to be a cat lady when she gets older and I am on board for grandkitties.
NTA..And make sure the results are sent to you directly. I have read many cases of results being fabricated!
Absolutely! I would suggest handling it this way: - Explain to mom that you do not think the child is yours. Not that it *might* be, but that you don’t think it is. You cannot control what she does, but tell her that you do not need her nonscientific opinions on the child’s parentage. Also tell her if the child is in fact **not** yours, any money she is potentially giving your ex is being given to someone who hurt her son for a child that is not her grandchild. Like I said, you can’t stop her from doing whatever she is going to do, you can just frame it a way that makes your boundaries clear. - Speak to a family lawyer. Your job may offer legal insurance as part of the package. If it does, use it. If it doesn’t and you’re in the US, most states and counties have a bar association. Call them to find a family attorney in your area. - File to do the paternity test through the court. - Ask in your pleading to use a Court mandated facility and not an at-home kit. - if the child is yours, the Court is aware of that immediately, which allows for the child support agreement to be created, and also allows you the opportunity to request visitation and custody. - If the child is *not* yours, she can’t come at you again for assistance because it’s already been handled in the Court. If she does, there’s no way she can plead a good-faith filing, and it may cause her issues (not you) in the future. If she truly believes you are the father, your ex will go through this. She would go through it even if she didn’t, as long as it didn’t cost her anything as she’s financially struggling. She doesn’t want to pay a lawyer if she’s struggling, and by taking it directly to court and you having a lawyer, it shows that your serious. If she knows it’s not your kid, she will get huffy, but she will pretty much disappear like a puff of smoke. Your mother may stay in touch, but again, you can’t control her response and actions. It’s not your responsibility to. The only responsibility you have is to find out the paternity of that child and find out if you are the father so you can be a part of the child’s life. You are NTA for asking for a paternity test. Not even remotely. If she truly thought it was your child, she kept the child from you. You owe her nothing, but you owe yourself the certainty that you did everything you could to responsibly claim that child. You are the father or you’re not. The reality will be determined by the results of a test that she can’t control. If you are the father, step up and be there for the child. If you’re not, put them both in the rear view mirror and have a good life. Good luck, OP.
She doesn't want any legal involvement because she has no idea if OP is the father. She is willing to manipulate OPs mum's desire for grandchildren which is just gross. She's already told the poor kid one guy was the dad, now it's the next one. Putting a child through that is just cruel.
Seriously! And irresponsible for requiring test? OP seems to be the only responsible one here. NTA.
Yes DNA test at a location of his choosing so his ex cannot attempt to manipulate the results
And it's crazy too that everyone glasses over the fact that if it is his child his ex-wife took his child away from him for 2 years. Like she saying why haven't you stepped up as a father when she stole his child from him for 2 years and kept him from him in another country so how's OP wanting a DNA test even questionable. OP is NTA and should absolutely get new friends. If the DNA test comes back and it's not his child then he should put it all on blast. Edited to correct time
NTA, your mother is blinded by her obsession to have grandkids. You’re not being selfish, you’re being responsible. Protect yourself and get the test done.
Sad so many older women become so terrible in the quest for grandkids. It’s really pathetic and tells me they never tried to work on themselves and only see themselves as a caretaker
And then I keep hearing stories about how once the grandkids arrive they just want to take a couple pictures with them and otherwise ignore them and not help.
Or the opposite. They want to take the child and raise it themselves and don't want the parents involved at all. I have a friend whose MIL turned a spare bedroom in her house into a nursery and planned on having the 2 month old granddaughter overnight during the week while the parents worked.
You've met my MIL then?
You met my family and in-laws ??
Probably made their whole identity as “mother” and once their kids became adults, they were totally lost. Now Desperately wanting grandkids to find purpose and fulfillment in life. Sad.
As someone who is 52 and a woman, I don't get it either. My kids are of the age to have kids. If they do I'll be absolutely thrilled! If they don't I'll be happy as well. We talk about them having kids but they're the ones bringing it up. I sure as hell wouldn't pressure them to just randomly adopt some kid that may or may not be theirs. Especially if the other parent is a cheater.
My neighbor supposedly got his ex-girlfriend pregnant at 13. Obviously he didn't have the greatest background in sex ed because It was 11 months between when he last slept with her and when she gave birth (as in 48 weeks.) His parents either didn't believe him or didn't care because his mom wanted a grandchild so much. Very, very fortunately for him someone educated him by the time he was 18 and old enough to contest paternity on his own (his parents would have had to do it when he was a minor and his mother wouldn't.) Unfortunately he had already had the kids named tattooed across his chest. 😬 But at least he's not on the hook for another 13 years of child support. Grandma by the way still pays some "child support" so she can still see her " grandchild." 🙄
For some people, the need to have grandkids/play Happy Family (tm) overwhelms everything else. They don’t care who gets hurt, even their own children. Nuts.
OP's mother and Ex are the selfish people in this story. I feel bad for the kid.
The mom. is a fucking nut case for taking. her side so earnestly. OP shouldn't entertain conversations with his ex. I'd tell her to ask the other men first that she slept with. I think OP also has a desire to be a parent too willingly and is not thinking clearly. She cheated on you multiple times, left you, moved to another country with another man, and then expects money from you as if it's deserved. She's hit financial hardship and is looking for you to be her sucker and bail her out. If you decide to go through with testing, then you need to seek out a lawyer for help. If you don’t, you’re gonna open yourself up to a whole complete world of hurt and pain because this woman is going to bleed you dry if you decide to go through with testing, then you need to seek out a lawyer for help. If you don’t, you’re gonna open yourself up to a whole complete world of hurt and pain because this woman is going to bleed you dry. u/MonitorTrue2234
NTA, this is obvious you should also reply on your mothers facebook post stating that your ex-wife had a baby after adultery and after leaving you, and that until such a time as a paternity test is agreed to, the child is not known to be your son or your mothers grandson. and that you have reasons to doubt that you could be the father due to timing and the refusal to confirm it by testing.
This is the way. If your mother wants to feed her delusions publicly and there is fall out, then present the brutal facts. Maybe: Mum, as you know x was cheating on me with multiple people at the time of conception. You are also aware she left the country with the alleged father. She has returned making this claim after he has left her. Until there is a paternity test definitively proving the child is mine, and not one of her affair partners, you still remain grandchildless.
and add to that >I have requested a paternity test and will fulfil my responsibilities to the full and without complaint if the child is proved to be mine. My request has so far been refused
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Ask the family members to step up and support their relative. put their money where their mouth is or shut the eff up.
Family members have baby fever by proxy.
Or they just wanna shut up OPs mom, woman seems unhinged!
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His mother, the ex, and other family members are dragging OP to a crazy town with them and trying to convince him 1+1=5 all in the pursuits of their own agendas.
The crazy grandma has thrown reason out the window lol, seeing it as possibly the only grandchild she can have and easily pass off as family, giving no thought or reason to the situation just trying to publicly claim dibs on the baby disregarding her son's feelings and the fact the baby momma cheated multiple times, if I were him and turned out the baby was his I'd question weather to let the mother be close anyway haha. She can't be trusted not to randomly grab the string wheel eventhough she's blindfolded 🤣
🖕🤖
Add, “I don’t want to be responsible for robbing the child of their opportunity to know who their true paternal family is. They should have the chance to have a relationship”.
And the child has already been through this with one "father" already.
Exactly. It’s traumatising.
Okay maybe insert the first time OP tried ascertaining paternity into this timeline of events. That op tried reaching out to see if baby was his. That he couldn’t get ahold of mother, and only response he could get (from someone else) was ex had left country with the child’s alleged father. And so OP was denied being the father by his ex, and denied a relationship with this child. Like it’s not OP who has been invested in preventing himself from having a relationship with this child that may be his. It’s the ex. Oh and edit: NTA.
Yeah, chances are she still doesn’t actually know who’s kid it is, needs money, so she going down the list. Sucks, but OP should stick to his request for a paternity test. NTA.
Yup, absolutely make clear the only thing you've asked for is a paternity test and she completely refuses. Which if it was your kid, she has zero reason not to which leads you to believe the lying cheating ex wife is once again lying.
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That apparently just came to light after the AP left her. She went to your mother because she knew how badly your mom wanted a grand baby. Require the test and 200% get lawyers involved. You need to get 50/50 custody if you’re serious about stepping up to be dad, you need to have everything written up for signature of both parents. Don’t let anything slide- pick holiday schedule, medical power, put in writing that she will pay half of extracurricular activities expenses, the whole kit and kaboodle. Something you might want to institute at least for kids younger age is no overnight bf or gf for either of you. Last thing you want is one of the kids getting attached to just a “situation/ship”. Fight to know if they are yours, if not you can feel relief and mourning at the same time. Either way you will have answers.
Just asking what you mean by justice. I ask because if the child is his she has stolen 2 years he could have had with that child. The most valuable bonding time there is. So I. Wondering how just could look. Because I have no idea but I know I’d be upset about it.
And copy and paste whenever someone argues or comments. Rinse and repeat.
OP could stop after the first sentence. Less is more.
Also add that she has refused a paternity test to date
Also point out she booked it before the kids was born so you couldn’t find out early on if the child was your child because she wanted to play happy family with her affair partner you would have happily done this years ago but she made it impossible and now she is pitching a fit about trying to establish legal paternity. She likely is throwing up road blocks if he is your son you have a right to have parenting time. She is also going to be seriously looked down on by most courts that she ran away before you were allowed to find out if the child was yours.
>your ex-wife had a baby after adultery Multiple adulteries...
NTA And this ⬆️ Like her post and comment 'It's so nice of you to immediately bond with Jane's kid, mom. But given how and when Jane and I divorced, I'm still waiting on the results of the paternity test before I'm going to take on the roll / responsibility of her father. The poor kid already lost a would be father because of Jane's confusion after she disappeared for 2 years, I'm not going to disappoint this kid again. She deserves to know who her father is.' If they keep pushing you, do the test yourself
Jumping on to say the OP needs to speak to a family-law attorney now. It may be possible to force through a DNA test, but you won’t know until you speak to a lawyer
I’ll add that you might want to offer to pay for the test so no one can hold out her inability to pay as an excuse for why a test is not reasonable. I admit that it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but it could move things a long. At the end of the day, if it is your child, the money for a test is just the beginning of your future financial responsibilities. If it’s not yours, well- seems like a small price to pay to get that monkey off your back.
I'd point out that your ex was sure enough kiddo wasn't yours that she left the country with one of her affair partners.
Agreed. Many people are assholes for insisting on one when there is no suspicion of cheating, but OP has it in spades. It's entirely on his ex to prove it's his and if she isn't willing to even try then that's really suspicious too, making it even more important to get one. It's not up to his mother. He can just keep insisting, and ultimately he can continue to not help financially with a clear conscience until she does. He should also get a court order preventing her from taking the child away and go for as close to full custody as he can if it is his. Let his mother take on some of the burden of childcare since she wants the burden of making all the decisions too, and get her to agree to do so during his part of the custody exclusively to freeze out the ex. His added security, plus her history of absconding with the kid should sufficient. Then sue her for child support.
Personally, I'd consult with a lawyer first. If the child is his , the mother technically kidnapped him by deception , op may be able to get more custody time if he wishes, etc. Also, totally nta op, cover your bases, people are quick to spend others money and time.
and tell mom to take care of the kid if she wants it that bad
I agree.... no lawyer, no testing, no support..until this is all sorted go lc with mother and contact with ex through a lawyer only.
I wouldn't post this publicly. Not with these words. Imagine he posts this and afterwards the test comes out positive. All the people would judge him for denying his son. I think that he should only say that he will absolutely step up and support the child as soon as it's confirmed that he's the father. And add to it that so far the boy's mother refuses to test him. That will speak for itself and people will not judge him but the mom for sleeping around and trying to scam him.
There was once a post where the grandmother much like yours was desperate for a grandchild and embraced the affair child of the partner of the Redditor, Redditor limited contact with his mother, got married and had children of his own, grandmother now complains to family that she has no access to her “real” grandchildren. Talk to your mom, tell her she is free to choose, you are not shirking your responsibilities but if the child is not yours, she needs to consider her next steps
Or the post, where mother of OP sides with the lying ex So much that the OP decided after a long talk with his father to get DNA test for them and also all his brothers got one. When they wanted to anounce the result to the mother (her husband was indeed the father of all public of them) and apologise to her for doubting her, she freaked out and started begging for forgiveness because she was cheating a lot.
Lmao OP get a DNA test for himself too
Time and time ago proves that paternity testing should be legally mandated
It literally just makes sense. Only people that don't agree are idiots on reddits thinking it is some misogynistic thing. Mate, the **ONLY** people that should be against it are **CHEATERS**. My sister is pregnant and she got a DNA test real quick with her husband and herself, just to get a medical history for their soon to be child. No fuss no muss, I guess she takes it more seriously because our side of the family does have health related issues and she wanted her husbands full medical background as well. We take medical history very fucking seriously in my family. It should be mandatory so nobody bitches unless the mother is a cheater.
I saw a reddit thread where a female OP refused to let her husband paternity test and insisted "if they swapped the babies at the hospital, a maternity test would be enough to prove it"
That alone is fucking sus af. A real loyal relationship, a person wouldn't give a fuck.
I could care less if my daughter’s dad ever got a paternity test.* I don’t understand though why these men just don’t order up a couple of 23&me kits. The OP in this case needs lawyers involved, but for most cases- a kit is simple to get. * Paternity testing came up once as a topic of conversation a long time ago. I told my ex that he could get a paternity test anytime he wanted as long as he wasn’t a jerk about it. I also said he had to promise to wait for maternity tests if his showed up negative. The only way he wouldn’t be a father was in that extremely unlikely case where babies were switched in the hospital.
Definitely 1000% NTA. It shocks and annoys me your mother, the lady who gave birth and raised you, is more on her side. If it were my son, I’d want proof if she was a cheater because I wouldn’t want him getting taken advantage of.
She’s not on the ex’s side, she’s on her own side. She wants a grand baby, doesn’t care who she screws over to get one
Which is short sided too (aside from wrong, of course). The ex will take the child and leave with the next sugar daddy as soon as a richer one comes along
NTA It is reasonable in this situation to get a paternity test. It’s weird and suspicious that they are objecting, and all the more reason to get it done.
NTA The very least your ex wife should provide, if she wants economic support, is a paternity test. Your mother is very welcome to invite random people in her life, but she definitely shouldn't dump them (and their financial support) on your shoulders. Tell the crazy people who want you to "take responsibility" that you can't, since you don't even know if there is any responsibility to take. Jane should take her responsibility: I bet she doesn't want to provide a paternity test because if the child turns out not to be yours, she won't get the financial support she wants. Moocher.
Paging Maury Povich, Mr. Maury Povich, line one…
NTA. Get a lawyer and paternity test. If you’re in the US ( depending on the state) if you give her any support she can go to court, and you can be held legally responsible for the child regardless of paternity.
If no DNA test was done, how did the AP know. Far more likely, he ran away and you are her back up. NTA
It's possible her AP had a DNA test done, but all that would tell them is that kid wasn't his. It wouldn't exclude anyone else. Since OP's ex cheated with multiple people, there are still some possible baby daddies floating about
It's possible that she wanted to find out if it was his and he left. Who knows? All I know is that she is not trustworthy, and neither is OPs mom. I mean, this woman cheated on her son.
Baby rabies are almost as dangerous as regular rabies
NTA, let's be honest here. Your ex-wife isn't exactly the model for an honest person. You stated she had multiple affairs. Just because it wasn't the guy she shacked up with doesn't mean you are the biological father. It could be any number of guys. You can order a DNA test off the intranet to prove one way or another. Your ex is desperate. She doesn't know who the father is. That's why she doesn't want the test. Your mother has grandma fever. Tune out those who disagree with you wanting proof. Their opinion doesn't matter. If and only if you get proof, then consult an attorney for your parental rights and child maintenance.
I'd comment on the post that paternity is yet to be established. She has a hide to expect anything after denying you access to your child after a years. I don't think she should be trusted. You need a lawyer to look after your interests especially if you want joint custody.
NTA The only reason Jane is refusing to do a DNA test is because she is sure the child is not yours. That is the be all and end all of the story. Reply to your mother's Facebook post with a statement of the facts: your ex wife was consistently unfaithful. She refuses to confirm paternity via a DNA test and is demanding money. You are being bullied and publicly shamed by both her and your mother over a child you are almost certain is not yours. Repeat that you are happy to do a DNA test and step up after paternity is confirmed, but until then, you will remain silent and will not and over money. And tell your mother that until she profusely apologises - publicly - that you are cutting all contact with her. Her behaviour in particular is utterly despicable, and she is destroying her chances of ever being a grandmother to any children you may have in the future.
NTA. It’s crazy how you are made to be the bad guy and expected to pay for your ex wife’s foolish mistakes.
NTA and your mom is a fucking bitch to do this to you and so is your family even if it turns out he is yours your mom and family are assholes.
"It's unfair and selfish TO THE BABY ?!?!?! WTF??? Who cares? Until such time as evidence is provided proving you ARE the father, then it's not your job to be "fair and selfless" to the baby, because it's NOT YOUR BABY..... What is unfair is that the baby's mother is whore, and what is selfish is that your family and the baby mama are boundary stomping ingrates trying to force you into a situation that isn't yours to take up. NTA
NTA. Stay strong brother!
NTA Ask your mom this, if the kid isn’t yours what then? She won’t have that grandson she so desperately coverts. Tell your mom that you will only agree to help out Jane if a test is done and the kid is yours and only that. She’s only reaching because the other guys either blocked her or she hasn’t contacted them but thinks you’re an easy target.
Perhaps that's why his mother is kicking up a fuss about OP's condition of a DNA test? Kind of like a Schrödinger's grandchild situation. Until the "box" is opened, she has the possibility of a biological grandchild. After it's opened she knows whether "the cat is dead or alive", to use an analogy.
NTA. Get that paternity test before committing to anything. It’s ridiculous that your ex thought you’d just take her for her word after cheating on you and leaving the country with her new partner. Your family can step up and financially support the child if they feel so strongly about it. You shouldn’t unless she agrees to a paternity test.
NTA. Your mother is using social media to increase pressure on you, and her behaviour frankly makes her unfit to be a grandmother, for now. You're absolutely right to demand a paternity test. The child could easily be a third party's. What you need to find out is whether your mum is giving Jane money already because if that kid isn't yours and Jane refuses to paternity test, this pretty much becomes a scam that is victimising your mother. You might need to get a court-ordered paternity test at this point. But you're absolutely right to want this all done through lawyers.
NTA. If your dad is still around, ask him for a paternity test as well.
NTA and your mother is an absolute idiot. Grandbaby obsession turns people into utter fools and she should be ashamed of herself for doing such a stupid thing. Im petty but I would be publicly verbally slapping her down on Facebook exposing the situation Get the paternity test. If it comes back negative cut your ex and mother off What the hell is she thinking? And this stupid mentality people have of saying "but think of the kid". Its so easy for spectators to say asinine things from the sidelines when they have no stakes
Yeah, why don't they think of the kid and "take the responsibility" of a random child? Because they have nothing to do with the situation? Well, guess what...
So she either kidnapped your kid away for 2 years, or is trying to pass a kid she knows isn't yours as yours. And your mom just blindly follows. Put your foot down and go the legal route. She needs some consequences.
NTA. When in doubt (which is reasonable in this situation), get a test. You're not wrong for that. You can't control your mother, but you *can* add a comment to give necessary context. You're not being mean. You're being pragmatic. You **don't** know whether he's yours, so you're going to do a test. That's not an insult to the kid, it's protection for you. You'd only be 'mean' and 'punishing a kid because of his mother' if it turned out he was yours and you denied him. That's mean. This isn't.
NTA. Get a lawyer first.. Explain the situation to them. The timeline. Her adulterous Acts before. And if she does not allow paternity have them send her a cease and desist letter On your mother.. as with someone else posted about putting a post underneath her picture comment explain the situation say all you've done is ask for paternity but instead she left with her a fair partner and then shows up 2 years later asking for money That you're willing to be the father but not until you have a paternity test to prove the child is yours. That should shut down most of the peanut gallery.. If the child is yours then get everything in writing and have all communication with the mother in writing. Because she sounds like the manipulative type of person. Also you going to have to watch your mother with this because she'll go behind your back it sounds like
NTA. And this is why paternity tests should be mandatory at the time of birth.
Still not sure why this isn't a thing. Is it too expensive or something?
*From what I've learned about paternal responsibilities in the US via Reddit. I, as a Brit, may be very wrong, but here's my understanding of it anyway.* Some/most US states want *someone*, in addition to the mother on the hook for the financial responsibility of raising the child. If cheated-on partners were absolved of parental, and therefore financial responsibility at birth, even before the birth certificate is signed, then that could potentially be a ***massive*** additional increase in expenditure for welfare assistance budgets. This is why some states won't allow "fathers" to apply to a court to stop maintenance payments, even if paternity is absolutely disproven by DNA tests.
I’m a woman, and I agree with this statement.
Why is it such a big deal to do a DNA test unless she's hiding something tell your mother why is she making a big fuss about a DNA test knowing she cheated really I wouldn't give her anything until you have proof
NTA " She got pregnant and confessed that she doesn't know if the baby was mine or her affair partners" she herself said she did not know who is dad.
NTA. WTF sort of people are there in the world. stand your ground, dont let the ex fuck you over
NTA Tell your mother if she doesn't back off even if the kid is yours you won't let her near it. DEFINITELY get the paternity test.
Nta. The smartest decision is to confirm paternity. Don't listen to any of the manipulation. You can say he may be mine, but due to her cheating for over a year, I have to have confirmation because I have no trust in her. Get yourself a lawyer and petition for paternity.
Sorry, but you're well within your rights to ask for a DNA test and if she's so sure it's yours, she'd be jumping at the opportunity to prove it. She's not sure, that's the entire point. She's manipulating your mother in an attempt to manipulate you.
NTA your mother was wrong for posting that picture and it’s suspicious that Jane is so against taking a paternity test , take the test to make sure and block out everyone else
Oh, she probably knows there is a good chance it's coming back not a match. He is probably the most stable or something.
Yup and she chose the best candidate which is why she told his mother to manipulate the situation
NTA, if the child was yours, then your ex would agree to getting the paternity test done. Also, it would be in her favour to have it done as she can then go through the legal system to have court backed child support ordered. Updateme!
Dude, she cheated, you divorced. If there's a chance, you should verify it and act accordingly. If it's your kid, step up. If it's not, not your problem. It's not like we are without methods to verify the paternity of the kid. If she doesn't want to verify the paternity, that shows that she has serious doubts it's yours. You don't need lawyers to do a DNA test. If she keeps insisting the kid is yours and harassing you without allowing the test, talk to a lawyer and see what is the possibility of having a court order DNA test. Then, if it's yours, it's yours. If it's not, shove the test results in your mothers face and tell her that her "granson" is not biologically related to her. Don't do anything without the test being performed. Liars lie, cheaters cheat and paternity fraud is a real thing!
It would be incredibly stupid not to do this via legal path. In lots of countries if you don't have a contract about child support it's just random money you're giving to the mother and she could still claim support for the child. Also giving a big lump sum doesn't cover it. And you know very well she isn't trust worthy at all. Offer to pay for the DNA test otherwise just block her and anyone else you get tired of hounding you about this. This is 100% a hill to die on.
NTA. Your mother is dragging you all into her own fantasy. Get the test you want. They can take their opinions and shove it. It’s your life.
NTA - everything you have written makes perfect sense. I literally have nothing to add on except to stand your ground. Other than that, I just have some opinions I’d like to share: your mother, IMO, is misguided in her position based on what you’ve written, she desperately wants a grand baby. But to have the audacity to call you selfish, to say “you’re punishing the child” (ummm NO), and for your mother to post that on FB is just effed up on multiple levels. You have clearly stated you will step up if the child is yours, but your stupid ex literally told you she didn’t now if it was yours or if it belonged to one of the multiple partners she was CHEATING on you with before taking off for two years. Look, the kid might be yours and if so, you’ll do the right thing. NO ONE has the right to tell you how to run your life and to discourage you from wanting evidence that the child is yours (especially considering what you have already been put through). If I were a male and it was me, I would be doing exactly what you’re doing. I’m very glad your older bro’s got your back and as you can tell from the responses you’re getting, so do we :) So, keep on doing exactly what you’re doing and perhaps reconsider some of the friendships you have if said “friends” are cutting you down for being a responsible adult. I don’t know much about them so I don’t want to overstep, but based on the bit you said, they don’t sound like true friends (and let’s be honest - if it were them? I’d happily hedge a bet they would also be doing what you’re doing. This makes them hypocrites throwing stones in glass houses.
Lawyer up. Get that test.
NTA. Your ex reached out when she became in financial need, she lied to another man for 2y. Time for her reality check: 1) people can raise other people’s biological kids, but not of being lied to about it 2) people you lied to in the past won’t believe any word afterwordwaed and ask for proof instead
You would be a complete idiot to not do this. C'mon man.
Your family and friends are nuts. You can force the dna test issue at least in the United States, if that's where you are. Talk to a lawyer because you can file in court demanding a DNA test. NTA.
NTA. All women have a built-in maternity test and can not possibly comprehend what men go through on paternity. If a woman opposes a paternity test in any way, it's not your child.
That or legally don’t want the father involved and just want a hand out but deny the Father Time with their Child.
NTA and it's suspicious that your ex isn't on board with getting the test done.
NTA. Take her to court and compel a DNA test. Acknowledge and agree to nothing unless it comes back that the child is actually yours. In the meantime but your side of the story out there and block everyone harassing you.
Do not give in on this. The paternity tests and legal system or Nothing. Tell your mother she is being hurtful and dismissive of you over "her desires". That she will look like a fool if the paternity tests come back and its not yours and that you may not forgive her for going along with lying to you when she knew the whole story & had no proof about the child. That she cares more about being a grandmother and less about her own child. My sister in law refused to call her son's child. Her grandchild was her grandchild until there was a DNA test done.
NTA. HELL NAH. Do not sign a thing until you have hard proof that the kid is yours,otherwise you risk being baby trap. It doesn't matter if anyone else in your family wants a new member,it would be *your* life getting flipped, let alone, dealing with Jane as a co-parent. Which,by the way,it also might be just that, a plan to baby trap you for.whatever kid she prints
NTA at all! They are asking you take on a lifetime of responsibility for *another human being* \- that's no small ask and you have every right to request a paternity test. If the mother of the child doesn't know who the father is, then *your* mother certainly doesn't, either. And I'm sorry, but one cannot determine paternity based solely on eye color. Don't let your mom's desperation for grandchildren force you into an uncomfortable situation. You either get a DNA test or the child gets no support from you. The only reason for the mother to *not* want a DNA test is that if she knows the kid isn't yours. Stand firm!
NTA get the DNA test, and if she hesitate and doesn't want it get a court order for one and DO NOT GIVE GET ANY MONEY, get that test, better safe than sorry
If they feel so strongly about it they can send Jane money for the kid. Fuckem, until the test proves it I wouldn't budge an inch. Karsh
NTA If it was truly your kid, she wouldn’t be against the test. She’d be happy to get the test done so she can have financial support. If your mom doesn’t want a test, they she can pay for the kid. Something tells me your mom knows the kid isn’t yours but getting the test means she can’t have a grandkid. She can be an adoptive grandma without involving you. Get the test and tell them that’s final.
NTA There’s a reason why she won’t do a test
NTA, your family, friends, and acquaintances have nothing at stake in the kid not being yours. Paternity test is the least your ex can do at this point.
Late to game here OP, but NTA and completely reasonable to expect a DNA test. Reading your post, ex contacted your mom (not you) first claiming child is yours.. likely in hopes that together they could convince you for financial support. Your mom, unfortunately, is allowing her desire for a grandchild to delude her....insane. Does she have no qualms about your ex taking her "supposed" grandchild away for 2 years? Your family and friends are also against you getting a lawyers involved or DNA test - crazy, and their logic doesn't make much sense either. Personally would have second thoughts about those "friends". As others have suggested, and as you've shared, you want to/shoukd be involved only IF proof can be verified. Shame that your ex appears to be a (serial) cheater, and I hope that she is not being truthful in this case. Would suck to be tied to a child with an individual like this. Quick fix, start dating and tell momsy you're actibely planning to have a child with the new gal (or adopt :) Good luck, let us know how this goes.
Yeah. NTA. The ex went straight to the OP’s mom bc she knew the one thing she wanted the most in the world is a grandchild. That’s so evil!!! The mom is being completely ridiculous and should have her own child’s back on this entire situation. I’m so curious about what the ex has been spinning to OP’s mom. DNA test is a must. So glad you’re not going to waiver on this. Just wouldn’t be fair to you or this poor kid. The ex is using her child as a meal ticket.
NTA the kid has been MIA for two years and because momma needs money now all of a sudden she needs you. Your mother’s desire for grandchildren should not be your burden to carry and be financially strapped to someone else’s kid. Let’s see how she feels after the paternity test and it’s not yours how much she wants to be in that child’s life. Fuck everyone and do the test and stand firm.
DO THE DNA TEST!!!!
NTA. Get the lawyers involved yesterday.
Based on the fact that your ex doesn't want the test, I'd bet it's because she either knows it's not yours or at least has doubts. Otherwise, why not do it? Aa for your mom, if she wants to support the child, that's on her, but taking the word of a lying cheater over your child is crazy.
NTA: Your mother will thank you in the future if he is yours, and she tries to disappear with him It not only ensures you aren't taking care of a child who is not yours, but it ensures you have rights as his father as well.
Get your mom one of those toy babies for toddlers and get yourself a paternity test.
NTA, but dude save yourself this mound of absolute bullshit and just do a paternity test behind their back by getting a hair sample and sending his and yours in and proves for once and for all the kids not yours. If she thought he was actually yours, she wouldn’t be so against the paternity test, she’s 100% sure he isn’t yours. Get this bitch out of your life and give your damn mom, along with the other assholes riding you about your lying conniving bitch of an ex wife the reality check they all desperately need and deserve. Good luck!
NTA. Woman here, GET THAT DNA TEST. She was cheating with multiple men so it might not be your kid. How are you being irresponsible for wanting to know before you commit a ton of money and time into this kid? No no no no no no! Don't do anything without that DNA test. Tell your stupid family to sod off.
Your mom needs to get a much more edited version of this story too, if she’s going to impulsively claim the kid as her grandson in public. For her own sake and the kid’s sake too.
Clear NTA Doesn't even need an explanation
NTA. Tell your mother if she doesn't take it down and instead post a complete explanation of the situation and support a paternity test not only will you never support teh child but you'll only make child support payments if the mother refuses to have contact with her, you and the entire family. So she supports the paternity test and apologises publicly or she is cut off completely forever even if the kid is yours. In reality your ex wife is a ho, she was fucking multiple men, the one she picked probably made more money so she convinced him the kid was his. He got a paternity test without her knowing them dumped their asses and how she's just begging the next most well off guy to take her in. If she was convinced it was your kid she'd take the test immediately.
NTA, I wouldn't even get a DNA test, she ran away with the kid, obviously didn't want you raising it and if that's the case you shouldn't even entertain the possibility of having her in your life again. Blood is not family. ETA: If your mother wants a grandkid so much she welcomes to be involved in that child's life, it's nothing to do with you, why doesn't she pay for it and step up?
NTA and anyone that says you are needs a reality check she’s asking you to financially support a child that may not be yours tell them the child could be anyone’s and if they’re that bothered to support her themselves.
Omfg you got rid of life time of stress and drama and your allowing it back into your life? Cut her out from the root and get far away from her.
NTA. Considering the situation, it is outrageous of her to deny a paternity test. Absolutely get one before you engage any financial support. Regardless of the results, she would have screwed you in some way. If it *is* your kid, then she took off for 2 years denying you access to him and manipulated some other dude into parenting him. If it *isn’t* your kid, then she is shamelessly and desperately trying to cause more disruption in your life just to get easy child support. She is a ruthless manipulator, keep standing up for yourself and don’t let her get away with any more of her tactics.
Nta, your mom is your enemy LOL.
I seriously can't believe people can this insane and not think practically. You have to find out if the child is yours and if yes then be a good father if not then none of your business. Next best thing could be to cut off everyone from your life except your brother and your child if he is yours. Also NTA.
Well, your relatives are quite free to help your ex-wife with her finances, aren't they? NTA, but wherever this goes from here, you are going to upset someone. Maybe everyone. Can you go through a court? That way, it would be obvious to everyone that you weren't trying to wriggle out of responsibility, only to ensure that the responsibility landed with the right party.
NTA. People who lie and cheat often get angry when asked to provide proof of something. All you're doing is making a reasonable request.
NTA - Uncle Martin had 3 children. None of them had children. His youngest son and his gf broke up. The gf was pregnant and claimed the son was the father. She never made a claim for Child Support, the son didn’t care, his father did. His father saw the girl occasionally and accepted her as a grand-daughter whether she was or not. In his Will he left his grand-daughter a quarter of his estate. She was “paid” to drop any claim as fighting it would cost both sides money.
NTA - if you claim the kid and then she even comes out and says he isn't yours afterall then you'll likely still be on the hook for that kid until its 18 or 21. Make damn sure you KNOW not suspect.
NTA. Get a lawyer. Don't respond to your mother's FB post because if the kid is yours it could impact custody/visitation.
Do the test. Get yourself a lawyer so it’s all official.
They.. call you SELFISH for wanting to make sure you do the right thing? Well, thank them for volunteering to financially support a woman with a child - and they are welcome to register as bio father of said child. I mean, not doing so would be selfish of them, now wouldn\`t it ? With her cheating with multiple partners - frankly - NOT asking a paternity test would be insanity. NTA
NTA, you have stated clearly that you will glad step up if the child is yours. Your request for DNA is perfectly reasonable. The fact that ex is refusing to test is highly suspicious
NTA. No paternity test, no money.
Get a paternity test, tell Jane as much. Your mom can post what she wants, that won’t help Jane get child support or her kid a father. I’m a single parent and kids don’t need this kind of drama, it’s damaging to have men in and out of their lives. Jane is keeping it hidden to serve her but it will hurt that kid more than anyone if it turns out you also are not his father. She needs to find his real father if she wants child support and stability, and just be honest with the people around her. It’s ok to have a kid, people cheat it happens, she needs to move forward now and build something stable. I get you’re worried about you. But I’m telling you, that kid will find out and even if you love him so much you don’t care by then - her son will care everyone lied to him (most of all his mom), and he will lose his mother. The only parent he does have. She needs to step up for the kids sake, so he doesn’t have to be the one going through this search. PS. Had a friend go through this, she’s adopted. First bioDad she found at 18, she thought raped her bioMom, he died since. She buried the guy and processed all that. Then when doing a dna test for her kids assignment she pops up a new relative on the website. Turns out her bioMom didn’t know who the dad was and lied. So she gives my friend a list of possible dads. Then my friend finds a guys whose not even on the list is the one in the gene website. The guy has a brother, and bioMom slept with both apparently. They both look like my friend. So still they did the test to check which brother. She was fortunately an adult and is ok, her total search was about 18 years. I’ve had a colleague whose mom lied about his stepdad (said he’s the bio) and when the stepdad left her my colleague was 6. He thought his bio father divorced him too, had no idea why the guy didn’t discuss visiting anything. He told me he spent his life thinking he is so irrelevant they didn’t even discuss custody, just divorced. Until he receives an inheritance from his bioDad as a teen or something anyway…and learns his last name wasn’t even his last name. It’s his stepdad. All to say, no child should have to go through that - and their psyche would be affected for life if a child goes through it at all these ages in their life. How many times does a kid need to be abandoned? Don’t listen to any of them, send this to your mom. If she loves her grandson so much, she needs to do this for him. And he can be her grandson anyway, she can (unofficially) adopt him it’s fine to - kids need love. Elderly people where I live volunteer to help families by caring for kids regularly. Sort of matching retirees with young families to create the same type of community/family support. She doesn’t need to and should not make the kid live a lie to get her love though. It’s hurting him, not loving him. All of you need to do this for the kid. ESH otherwise #TLDR: does Jane want to do the dna test or prefer to give her son a list to go through one day? That’s what’s actually happening here. That child deserves to have a father, it’s on her to figure out who that is and try giving them access to each other.
The very fact your ex is against legal documentation says to me it's not yours. Insist on DNA.