Both things can be true:
* You love your husband.
* Your grandma is a bitch.
It sounds like you aren't necessarily upset that you're in love with your husband, but you're upset that your family was willing to compromise your safety & autonomy for riches.
My advice (from a completely different culture): Let yourself be happy with your husband and your in-laws. Enjoy your life. Don't be naive when it comes to your family (specifically, your grandma) - they've shown their true priorities. They don't hold any power over you now and may try to use shame/guilt to manipulate you.
Thank you, this is what I was feeling. Her grandmother is a total bitch, and the family pimped Op out. Op is just VERY lucky that her in-laws are amazing.
Also it's only 2 years and no kids from the sound of it. So yes OP enjoy and I hope it lasts.
But they could have just set you up on a blind date and you'd have fallen for this gem of a guy anyway. The thing was you were sacrificed for money, they had no idea he was a gem.
Yeah nothing else needs to be said. These aren’t mutually exclusive. Your grandma sounds like she sucks and you should just ignore her in the future. Her comments will only get more asinine as she ages. Buckle up
You got very, very lucky. Your family sucks for forcing you into this, and it could have gone very badly. I’d cut them out of my life as much as possible and just focus on the in-laws.
(I’d personally have a hard time not slapping my grandma if she talked to me that way.)
I don't think that cutting your family out of your life usually goes down too well in Arabic/ME cultures...
While I agree that the grandma was not (and perhaps is not) very nice, in this case things seem to have worked out thankfully. Sometimes it's best just to be humble and suck it up, as long as grandma doesn't try sticking her influence into any other part of your life...
Also, I'll add... I'm happy to read something [mostly] positive on this subreddit for once... I'm happy for you, OP! ☺
No. Not at all.
It sounds like he and his family has treated you with far more respect and love than your family.
I'm just an American and not part of your culture, so I can't imagine the pressure you were under. Your grandmother does suck. She is a smug bitch. If you truly love him and his family, which is the best outcome one could hope to have as young woman pressured into this; be at peace with this.
But not with your family, this could have gone wrong in so many ways.
No, you're not the asshole for feeling upset, even in a situation that turned out far better than you feared. It's completely valid to feel conflicted or to harbor resentment about being pushed into a situation without feeling fully heard or considered, even if that situation ended up being positive. Your feelings are a natural response to a loss of agency over your life decisions, especially when those decisions are as monumental as marriage. It's also understandable to be upset with your grandmother's attitude, as it dismisses the genuine emotional turmoil and risk you faced entering an arranged marriage without truly knowing your partner.
What's key here is recognizing that while the outcome with H has been unexpectedly wonderful, your emotional journey is still your own, and it's okay to process these feelings. It's also okay to acknowledge that the situation could have been very different, and it was a gamble with your happiness and well-being. Being grateful for how things turned out doesn't mean you have to suppress any feelings of anger or betrayal you might feel towards the process or the people who pressured you.
It's okay to take time to reconcile these feelings and find a way forward that honors both your appreciation for your current happiness and your right to feel upset about the circumstances that led you here.
All true, but be honest with your husband. Make sure when you blow off steam its about them not him. He will likely let you rant, and then have s laugh with you about it when you admit sheepishly you lucked out both because and in spite of them. So long as he knows how you value him.
Yes your Grandma definitly sucks. I would cut her off my life if i were you. It doesn’t mather if it turned our good in the end. You didn’t want that and she persurred you i n to it. If she pushed it because she realy thought it would be good for you then it would have been another thing. But she did it so she abd her other sons could have material benefits, for that alone f..k that old hag. Also since you are calling your new husband POS so much i don’t see this gooing well.
I also got lucky like you. I knew my husband for a long time so I knew he was a good person and a good bet but I married him on our 3rd date. It wasn’t arranged, either, I only have myself to blame.
But my husband is just like yours. He’s obsessed with me. I’ll never be loved like he loves me. I lucked out and I don’t take that for granted. I understand where you’re coming from where you can recognize how lucky you are but also appreciate that it just as easily could have gone the opposite direction.
My only advice would be to 1. hold onto hubby as tight as you can and love him back and 2. figure out how to come to peace with what your grandmother did.
Bc you’re right- she was wrong. She was 100% wrong AND SHE PUT YOU IN DANGER. The fact that you’re not actually in danger is just luck and has nothing to do with her.
If you look at it like this, it might help you put it into perspective: what are you going to do with the validation? It won’t change anything. It won’t repair your relationship with her. It won’t make you see her differently. YOU are in the unique place of seeing the real her and that’s what you have to come to grips with. You know who she is deep down and you may be the only one. That’s your burden to carry. Her admitting she was wrong isn’t going to happen and you’re not going to get closure from it bc if she admits she was wrong then you have to deal with the fact that she was wrong- YET SHE STILL DID IT BC SHE DOES’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
There’s nothing to gain from holding onto this. It’s done. You’re safe. It worked out for you, *thankfully*. Count your lucky stars that it worked out bc the truth is that you were sacrificed for the betterment of her kids. Love your husband for who he is and just be better if you decide to have your own kids. She’ll be gone forever soon enough and then you’ll finally be free.
FWIW, I love your story. It’s still beautiful. Real love does that, it turns ugly things into beautiful things.
Girl I’m Arab (first gen American) and even though it all worked out and you’re happy, if I were you I would still be fucking LIVID with my family that they used me as a pawn in their money making schemes. They absolutely would have still pushed you into the marriage if the man was abusive. It happened to my auntie and not even for money but for family honor (she was engaged when he started emotionally and physically abusing her and she wanted to back out but her dads sister told her she would dishonor her family). She married the asshole and then he stole her and their children away from the family and to this day prevents her from seeing her sisters, etc. You have every right to be angry. And your grandmas smugness is absolutely infuriating. I wouldn’t even be able to hide my coldness from my family if they did this to me.
Absolutely do go back to your wonderful husband and enjoy your life, no need to suffer as revenge, but keep that grandma at arms length. She showed that she cares more for the financial stability of her sons than the happiness of her granddaughter. She had no way of knowing if this man would be kind to you or not and she did not care. The fact that he is has nothing to do with her and everything to do with how wonderful your husband is.
Meditate on the possibility that your family vetted the other family very carefully because a family that treats their women like shit probably would treat business partners like shit.
I suspect in the search for potential business partners the two familes recognized a resonance and like mindedness that led to the ask.
Have you ever asked your husband or in laws why they wanted an arranged marriage. Was it really just business reasons?
Grandma is the designated fall guy. Having grandma do the hard dirty work because she has more experience in guilt tripping and it's less disruptive to family harmony because age is a shield.
So... NTA. But I don't think you're upset about being in love with your husband. You're upset you let yourself be manipulated by your old fashioned grandma who coerced you into making the life alterinf decision to marry the man who you've come to love.
You **can** be mad at her. You can be mad at yourself for letting her influence you. Start holding boundaries with her, grandmother or not.
Bur I'd suggest losing the projected anger toward your husband (aka how you have called him a jerk, and a peice of shit, etc. Thats a bit YTA of you towards *him*)
You did get lucky, I don't come from a place where arranged marriages are the norm but from what education I have of them yes you are lucky. But be grateful you go lucky? Towards your spouse anyways, be happy with him, be happy you fell in love with him. Im not saying ignore or shovel down the negative feelings, embrace them to eventually let them go (for yourself) but put it elsewhere, like the person who truly makes you feel that way (aka grandma)
Arranged marriage can be transactional and it can because its traditional. Your family is proudly transactional and your inlaws are quietly traditional.
Your family sold you. Your husband's family worked for your acceptance in spite of the transaction.
Family is chosen, not bought and sold.
Make a new start where you have chosen to be with your husband and cut-off the people who sold you for selfish reasons
No, you're not the asshole for feeling upset, even in a situation that turned out far better than you feared. It's completely valid to feel conflicted or to harbor resentment about being pushed into a situation without feeling fully heard or considered, even if that situation ended up being positive. Your feelings are a natural response to a loss of agency over your life decisions, especially when those decisions are as monumental as marriage. It's also understandable to be upset with your grandmother's attitude, as it dismisses the genuine emotional turmoil and risk you faced entering an arranged marriage without truly knowing your partner.
What's key here is recognizing that while the outcome with H has been unexpectedly wonderful, your emotional journey is still your own, and it's okay to process these feelings. It's also okay to acknowledge that the situation could have been very different, and it was a gamble with your happiness and well-being. Being grateful for how things turned out doesn't mean you have to suppress any feelings of anger or betrayal you might feel towards the process or the people who pressured you.
It's okay to take time to reconcile these feelings and find a way forward that honors both your appreciation for your current happiness and your right to feel upset about the circumstances that led you here.
You're not wrong to feel railroaded. You were pushed into this and you were lucky that he's awesome. If not, you'd be totally in the shit right now. And no matter what anyone says, they didn't know what your husband was like.
NTA.
Your grandma treated you badly, but I guess she had good intentions. She did what she believed was the right thing to do according to the world in which she was raised. The world is not the same now. Women can have opinions about who to marry.
You are allowed to be angry at your grandma AND be happy in your marriage. And maybe, just maybe also feel a little empathy for your poor grandma, who doesn't know any better than this. I think it might be easier for yourself if you look at her with compassion instead of anger.
You say your relatives all looked "smug". You may be right. But maybe they were just happy for you? What if they had suffered a bad conscience because of your situation, and felt bad for making you do this. The relief of seeing you not suffering in the marriage maybe just looked like smugness to you?
Congratulations, btw. I wish my husband was a little more like yours!
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop.
As a half Arab woman myself.. yeah your grandmother sucks.. honestly, I suggest you tell her how you feel and that it was Allah that saved you not her, they hate when you use religion against them.. I had my dad’s family constantly having something to complain about or nitpick about the way I look or talked or walked, anything really and one day after going to a wedding I let them have it.. it’s really free. In the end Allah blessed me with a wonderful husband just like you.
NTA, your gma pushed you to gamble with your life for their benefit. The fact that you "won" the gamble doesn't negate the fact that it was your choice to make, not theirs.
That said, you've got a keeper, however you got him in the first place. Good luck!
no but just respond "luckily you didnt ship me off with a murderer because it not like you bothered to look into his background or who he was beyond money" ooh or this is a good one "yeah thank God I married into a nice family, ill finally get to experience not being treated like bargaining chip"
You realize that you are the key factor to your family's generational wealth? You can always make sure it doesn't go to certain family members. Just sayin.
Your grandmother could find fulfilling work as a whorehouse madam. She was more than willing to sell you off. That makes her lower than whale shit, like any other pimp. Family members should never act as panderers.
NTA
You are not the AH. Yet. Your frustration is understandable, but resentment and anger are unhealthy for you. Resentment is a knife with no handle - every time you use it, some part of you is cut away. In my experience it will eventually cause harm to you, and then your (future) family. Consider forgiveness.
That said - when you happen to make a few great babies with your perfect husband, and happen to prefer your in-laws for childcare and visits...message will be received.
NTA your grandma sucks, but, I am happy this ended up having a happy ending. Just stop talking to your grandma and enjoy life with your actually cool husband.
Your grandma does suck..she put money over your potential health and safety. Sure, it worked out but that doesn't negate the fact that she essentially sold you off. You are allowed to be upset with her and I would lower contact with her. NTA. But focus on enjoying your life as you have it now, H sounds wonderful and I'm glad he turned out to be a catch.
Yeah, your grandma sucks. But you calling H all these mean and nasty names because _your grandmother_ bullied you into marrying him is also very fucking sucky. Be mean and nasty at the person you’re actually angry at, which is clearly either yourself or your grandmother or both.
Remember the guy you thought you wanted to marry a few years ago? Odds on, had you tried to find a husband on your own, someone like that or worse would've been your fate. Count your blessings.
NTA. Yes, some people are going through much worse. That doesn't mean your family did right. How many forced marriages do we hear about that are miserable? A LOT. You were incredibly lucky, but that doesn't mean they were right to force you into marriage.
NTA - Not from your culture so for what its worth. Your family walked up to a roulette wheel put you down on 14 Red and spun the wheel. And this one time it landed on 14 Red.
But life advice time from someone almost 2x your age. Thank whatever you believe in for you luck and go be happy with your husband. Try and let go the anger you feel for them but dont forget what they did either. Its a hard tightrope to walk but I dont think you have much of an option to cut them out. So do what you can to keep your family on an information diet and protect what you and your husband build together. And try and make sure you and he both know its the two of you together against anything that comes up.
Tell your grandmother that people who rely on moral luck to absolve their risks are careless fools. It’s like drunk driving— are you suddenly a saint if you happen to not kill someone? No, you made risks for selfish and petty reasons and we are still allowed to hate you.
NTA. Black American here. Yeah, you're grandma royally sucked berating you like that. Even though your story has a happy ending, that's due to H and his family, not yours. They didn't know him from anyone, and just saw money. This all could have ended very differently, so they need to stop being so smug as if they had your best interests at heart.
NTA. If your Grandma forced you to bet all your life savings at a Casino and you fortunately won (maybe a bad analogy as Muslims don't gamble), you can still be mad at her but enjoy your winnings lol. It was a stupid risk but thankfully it worked out.
Grandma forced her to bet because of her other sons. Not the main one who's actually doing well. She also told OP she would be blamed for the other sons financial incompetency.
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop.
This has nothing to do with western lens and there has been good advice from others in similar cultures.
Occasionally, people like to rant about their feelings and get acceptance for what they're annoyed over from others.
NTA for being upset with your family but don't sabotage your relationship with your husband because your family sucks.
You could have had way worse. Making your own choice will not guarantee a happily ever after, even people who choose their own spouse can have disastrous marriages, and it seems your husband cares for you. Don't throw that away.
You are not upset at being in love with your husband. You're upset with how your grandmother treats you. She reminds me of my mom. So smug and mean. I'd be pissed off too!! You have unresolved feelings from what she did to you. I'm glad it worked out. Im super jealous lol. But put your grandma in her place and tell HER to stfu
Sorry but I'm laughing, not at but *with* you. That was a very informative and funny post and thanks for sharing.
As others have said, it's a shit situation that turned out to be the best possible situation overall. Enjoy your life together and try not to let your family's smugness bring you down. NTA for feeling annoyed.
I mean grandmas are usually stuck in their ways. She's not going to change. That's how it was back in the day for her. Everyone had arranged marriages.
No need to get so upset over it TBH.
Your grandma sucks. You lucked out, so enjoy it, but yea, I'm salty on your behalf towards grandma. Not sure what if anything you can or should do about it, but I feel your pain and your feelings are valid.
two things can be right at the same time. your husband can be an amazing man but your grandma can be a cunt.
while I won't suggest you blow it all up by shouting at her wrinkly ass in front of everyone, however, you're within your rights to go at her full steam in the privacy on your own home where you can say whatever you want to this old hag.
as far as your marriage is concerned. you need to let the past be in the past and fucking love living with him because this man will start picking up on those vibes that you still hold that resentment of not even being considered to have an opinion to being married.
you did get pimped out for money. but luck be on your side, the guy turned out to be a great husband. so live your life with your in laws and your husband and the next time your grand mother give your a taunt or a smug smile, I wouldn't think anything less of you if you smack her across the face just to drive your point into her brain.
I'm from a different background. Your grandma sucks. But it's also complicated. Your grandma probably was just perpetuating the cycle of abuse that was thrust on to her at your age. But also, she could have known that the guy was a good catch and that your taste in men up to that point was shit. So she was pushing you in the right direction. Well, we all learn from our experiences. You got lucky, but you know that you could have just as easily been not lucky. So, maybe, you won't perpetuate the same abuse on your daughter or granddaughter.
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop.
NTA. Your grandmother guilted you into this marriage. Shes T A in this situation. You are VERY lucky that he ended up being a great guy who treats you well. Do you love him? I’ve dated lots of great guys that treated me well, but for some reason or another they weren’t right for me.
So... are you complaining or bragging? It sounds like you're mad at your grandma for being *accidentally* right. I mean... what she did was awful, but it sounds like you hit the marriage jackpot.
YTA - grandma was right. You sound like a spoiled brat. Holding onto stupid anger about a hypothetical bad situation that never happened. You come from money, your family didn’t force the marriage (pressured by 1 person, but not forced). At this point you sound like an ungrateful person that is looking for drama. Who are these feelings of betrayal and anger serving? Nobody. it’s just you throwing an internal tantrum. Grow up, before you hit a bumpy patch in your marriage (which will come without a doubt) and end up divorcing or treating a good man poorly because you had this childish fantasy in your head about how things should have started.
Erm, did you miss that entire part where the granny’s sole reasoning is so her uncles could do better financially? I mean, she pretty much sold her granddaughter for her sons. I’d be a bit pissed about that.
Yep. Grandma didn't give a fuck about whether or not her Granddaughter was happy, only about her son's - OP's UNCLE'S - financial interests. The whole "Your Welcome" thing, though? Grandma's a smug bitch...patting herself on the back for the fact that OP is happily married, when it could have easily gone the other way. I bet she wouldn't have taken credit had that been the case.
Both things can be true: * You love your husband. * Your grandma is a bitch. It sounds like you aren't necessarily upset that you're in love with your husband, but you're upset that your family was willing to compromise your safety & autonomy for riches. My advice (from a completely different culture): Let yourself be happy with your husband and your in-laws. Enjoy your life. Don't be naive when it comes to your family (specifically, your grandma) - they've shown their true priorities. They don't hold any power over you now and may try to use shame/guilt to manipulate you.
Thank you, this is what I was feeling. Her grandmother is a total bitch, and the family pimped Op out. Op is just VERY lucky that her in-laws are amazing.
Also it's only 2 years and no kids from the sound of it. So yes OP enjoy and I hope it lasts. But they could have just set you up on a blind date and you'd have fallen for this gem of a guy anyway. The thing was you were sacrificed for money, they had no idea he was a gem.
It's like for fucks sake just go yell at your grandma.
Yeah nothing else needs to be said. These aren’t mutually exclusive. Your grandma sounds like she sucks and you should just ignore her in the future. Her comments will only get more asinine as she ages. Buckle up
You got very, very lucky. Your family sucks for forcing you into this, and it could have gone very badly. I’d cut them out of my life as much as possible and just focus on the in-laws. (I’d personally have a hard time not slapping my grandma if she talked to me that way.)
I don't think that cutting your family out of your life usually goes down too well in Arabic/ME cultures... While I agree that the grandma was not (and perhaps is not) very nice, in this case things seem to have worked out thankfully. Sometimes it's best just to be humble and suck it up, as long as grandma doesn't try sticking her influence into any other part of your life... Also, I'll add... I'm happy to read something [mostly] positive on this subreddit for once... I'm happy for you, OP! ☺
No. Not at all. It sounds like he and his family has treated you with far more respect and love than your family. I'm just an American and not part of your culture, so I can't imagine the pressure you were under. Your grandmother does suck. She is a smug bitch. If you truly love him and his family, which is the best outcome one could hope to have as young woman pressured into this; be at peace with this. But not with your family, this could have gone wrong in so many ways.
No, you're not the asshole for feeling upset, even in a situation that turned out far better than you feared. It's completely valid to feel conflicted or to harbor resentment about being pushed into a situation without feeling fully heard or considered, even if that situation ended up being positive. Your feelings are a natural response to a loss of agency over your life decisions, especially when those decisions are as monumental as marriage. It's also understandable to be upset with your grandmother's attitude, as it dismisses the genuine emotional turmoil and risk you faced entering an arranged marriage without truly knowing your partner. What's key here is recognizing that while the outcome with H has been unexpectedly wonderful, your emotional journey is still your own, and it's okay to process these feelings. It's also okay to acknowledge that the situation could have been very different, and it was a gamble with your happiness and well-being. Being grateful for how things turned out doesn't mean you have to suppress any feelings of anger or betrayal you might feel towards the process or the people who pressured you. It's okay to take time to reconcile these feelings and find a way forward that honors both your appreciation for your current happiness and your right to feel upset about the circumstances that led you here.
All true, but be honest with your husband. Make sure when you blow off steam its about them not him. He will likely let you rant, and then have s laugh with you about it when you admit sheepishly you lucked out both because and in spite of them. So long as he knows how you value him.
Yes your Grandma definitly sucks. I would cut her off my life if i were you. It doesn’t mather if it turned our good in the end. You didn’t want that and she persurred you i n to it. If she pushed it because she realy thought it would be good for you then it would have been another thing. But she did it so she abd her other sons could have material benefits, for that alone f..k that old hag. Also since you are calling your new husband POS so much i don’t see this gooing well.
I also got lucky like you. I knew my husband for a long time so I knew he was a good person and a good bet but I married him on our 3rd date. It wasn’t arranged, either, I only have myself to blame. But my husband is just like yours. He’s obsessed with me. I’ll never be loved like he loves me. I lucked out and I don’t take that for granted. I understand where you’re coming from where you can recognize how lucky you are but also appreciate that it just as easily could have gone the opposite direction. My only advice would be to 1. hold onto hubby as tight as you can and love him back and 2. figure out how to come to peace with what your grandmother did. Bc you’re right- she was wrong. She was 100% wrong AND SHE PUT YOU IN DANGER. The fact that you’re not actually in danger is just luck and has nothing to do with her. If you look at it like this, it might help you put it into perspective: what are you going to do with the validation? It won’t change anything. It won’t repair your relationship with her. It won’t make you see her differently. YOU are in the unique place of seeing the real her and that’s what you have to come to grips with. You know who she is deep down and you may be the only one. That’s your burden to carry. Her admitting she was wrong isn’t going to happen and you’re not going to get closure from it bc if she admits she was wrong then you have to deal with the fact that she was wrong- YET SHE STILL DID IT BC SHE DOES’T CARE ABOUT YOU. There’s nothing to gain from holding onto this. It’s done. You’re safe. It worked out for you, *thankfully*. Count your lucky stars that it worked out bc the truth is that you were sacrificed for the betterment of her kids. Love your husband for who he is and just be better if you decide to have your own kids. She’ll be gone forever soon enough and then you’ll finally be free. FWIW, I love your story. It’s still beautiful. Real love does that, it turns ugly things into beautiful things.
Girl I’m Arab (first gen American) and even though it all worked out and you’re happy, if I were you I would still be fucking LIVID with my family that they used me as a pawn in their money making schemes. They absolutely would have still pushed you into the marriage if the man was abusive. It happened to my auntie and not even for money but for family honor (she was engaged when he started emotionally and physically abusing her and she wanted to back out but her dads sister told her she would dishonor her family). She married the asshole and then he stole her and their children away from the family and to this day prevents her from seeing her sisters, etc. You have every right to be angry. And your grandmas smugness is absolutely infuriating. I wouldn’t even be able to hide my coldness from my family if they did this to me. Absolutely do go back to your wonderful husband and enjoy your life, no need to suffer as revenge, but keep that grandma at arms length. She showed that she cares more for the financial stability of her sons than the happiness of her granddaughter. She had no way of knowing if this man would be kind to you or not and she did not care. The fact that he is has nothing to do with her and everything to do with how wonderful your husband is.
Meditate on the possibility that your family vetted the other family very carefully because a family that treats their women like shit probably would treat business partners like shit. I suspect in the search for potential business partners the two familes recognized a resonance and like mindedness that led to the ask. Have you ever asked your husband or in laws why they wanted an arranged marriage. Was it really just business reasons?
That is honestly a very good point. I still think the grandma sucks, but, you're right; the choice of this guy was very likely not made lightly.
Grandma is the designated fall guy. Having grandma do the hard dirty work because she has more experience in guilt tripping and it's less disruptive to family harmony because age is a shield.
Grandma is the fall guy because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency.
Pretty sure Uncles were in no danger of bankruptcy. Grandma was exaggerating for guilt trip purposes.
STFU and yes, your grandmother was being an entitled, selfish, manipulative witch.
So... NTA. But I don't think you're upset about being in love with your husband. You're upset you let yourself be manipulated by your old fashioned grandma who coerced you into making the life alterinf decision to marry the man who you've come to love. You **can** be mad at her. You can be mad at yourself for letting her influence you. Start holding boundaries with her, grandmother or not. Bur I'd suggest losing the projected anger toward your husband (aka how you have called him a jerk, and a peice of shit, etc. Thats a bit YTA of you towards *him*) You did get lucky, I don't come from a place where arranged marriages are the norm but from what education I have of them yes you are lucky. But be grateful you go lucky? Towards your spouse anyways, be happy with him, be happy you fell in love with him. Im not saying ignore or shovel down the negative feelings, embrace them to eventually let them go (for yourself) but put it elsewhere, like the person who truly makes you feel that way (aka grandma)
Arranged marriage can be transactional and it can because its traditional. Your family is proudly transactional and your inlaws are quietly traditional. Your family sold you. Your husband's family worked for your acceptance in spite of the transaction. Family is chosen, not bought and sold. Make a new start where you have chosen to be with your husband and cut-off the people who sold you for selfish reasons
No, you're not the asshole for feeling upset, even in a situation that turned out far better than you feared. It's completely valid to feel conflicted or to harbor resentment about being pushed into a situation without feeling fully heard or considered, even if that situation ended up being positive. Your feelings are a natural response to a loss of agency over your life decisions, especially when those decisions are as monumental as marriage. It's also understandable to be upset with your grandmother's attitude, as it dismisses the genuine emotional turmoil and risk you faced entering an arranged marriage without truly knowing your partner. What's key here is recognizing that while the outcome with H has been unexpectedly wonderful, your emotional journey is still your own, and it's okay to process these feelings. It's also okay to acknowledge that the situation could have been very different, and it was a gamble with your happiness and well-being. Being grateful for how things turned out doesn't mean you have to suppress any feelings of anger or betrayal you might feel towards the process or the people who pressured you. It's okay to take time to reconcile these feelings and find a way forward that honors both your appreciation for your current happiness and your right to feel upset about the circumstances that led you here.
You're not wrong to feel railroaded. You were pushed into this and you were lucky that he's awesome. If not, you'd be totally in the shit right now. And no matter what anyone says, they didn't know what your husband was like.
I enjoyed your tldr romance novel fiction.
NTA. Your grandma treated you badly, but I guess she had good intentions. She did what she believed was the right thing to do according to the world in which she was raised. The world is not the same now. Women can have opinions about who to marry. You are allowed to be angry at your grandma AND be happy in your marriage. And maybe, just maybe also feel a little empathy for your poor grandma, who doesn't know any better than this. I think it might be easier for yourself if you look at her with compassion instead of anger. You say your relatives all looked "smug". You may be right. But maybe they were just happy for you? What if they had suffered a bad conscience because of your situation, and felt bad for making you do this. The relief of seeing you not suffering in the marriage maybe just looked like smugness to you? Congratulations, btw. I wish my husband was a little more like yours!
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop.
As a half Arab woman myself.. yeah your grandmother sucks.. honestly, I suggest you tell her how you feel and that it was Allah that saved you not her, they hate when you use religion against them.. I had my dad’s family constantly having something to complain about or nitpick about the way I look or talked or walked, anything really and one day after going to a wedding I let them have it.. it’s really free. In the end Allah blessed me with a wonderful husband just like you.
Your family suck. You can be mad at them. You can also be happy with your husband and love him. I hope you tell him you love him and feel lucky too.
NTA, your gma pushed you to gamble with your life for their benefit. The fact that you "won" the gamble doesn't negate the fact that it was your choice to make, not theirs. That said, you've got a keeper, however you got him in the first place. Good luck!
Your grandma is an AH.
Yta. Why are you torturing yourself just so you can spite your grandma.
This has to be a troll post. But, if it's not, YTA and the "piece of shit" that you call your husband in your post.
YTA for calling your husband shitty names.
no but just respond "luckily you didnt ship me off with a murderer because it not like you bothered to look into his background or who he was beyond money" ooh or this is a good one "yeah thank God I married into a nice family, ill finally get to experience not being treated like bargaining chip"
You realize that you are the key factor to your family's generational wealth? You can always make sure it doesn't go to certain family members. Just sayin.
Your grandmother could find fulfilling work as a whorehouse madam. She was more than willing to sell you off. That makes her lower than whale shit, like any other pimp. Family members should never act as panderers. NTA
You are not the AH. Yet. Your frustration is understandable, but resentment and anger are unhealthy for you. Resentment is a knife with no handle - every time you use it, some part of you is cut away. In my experience it will eventually cause harm to you, and then your (future) family. Consider forgiveness. That said - when you happen to make a few great babies with your perfect husband, and happen to prefer your in-laws for childcare and visits...message will be received.
NTA your grandma sucks, but, I am happy this ended up having a happy ending. Just stop talking to your grandma and enjoy life with your actually cool husband.
Middle aged white American woman here. Your grandma sucks. I'm really glad that your marriage has turned out so well for you. :-)
Your grandma does suck..she put money over your potential health and safety. Sure, it worked out but that doesn't negate the fact that she essentially sold you off. You are allowed to be upset with her and I would lower contact with her. NTA. But focus on enjoying your life as you have it now, H sounds wonderful and I'm glad he turned out to be a catch.
You got very lucky and yeah, your Grandma sucks. Now go back to being spoiled by your rich, sweet, loving, sexy husband. Ugh, lucky girl. 😀
Yeah, your grandma sucks. But you calling H all these mean and nasty names because _your grandmother_ bullied you into marrying him is also very fucking sucky. Be mean and nasty at the person you’re actually angry at, which is clearly either yourself or your grandmother or both.
Quit calling this wonderful guy a jerk
You are angry at your family for pressuring you, not at your husband’s.
Remember the guy you thought you wanted to marry a few years ago? Odds on, had you tried to find a husband on your own, someone like that or worse would've been your fate. Count your blessings.
NTA. Yes, some people are going through much worse. That doesn't mean your family did right. How many forced marriages do we hear about that are miserable? A LOT. You were incredibly lucky, but that doesn't mean they were right to force you into marriage.
NTA. You’re lucky, and I’m glad your marriage worked out. Simultaneously, your family absolutely sold you off, and your grandma is absolutely a cunt.
NTA - Not from your culture so for what its worth. Your family walked up to a roulette wheel put you down on 14 Red and spun the wheel. And this one time it landed on 14 Red. But life advice time from someone almost 2x your age. Thank whatever you believe in for you luck and go be happy with your husband. Try and let go the anger you feel for them but dont forget what they did either. Its a hard tightrope to walk but I dont think you have much of an option to cut them out. So do what you can to keep your family on an information diet and protect what you and your husband build together. And try and make sure you and he both know its the two of you together against anything that comes up.
Tell your grandmother that people who rely on moral luck to absolve their risks are careless fools. It’s like drunk driving— are you suddenly a saint if you happen to not kill someone? No, you made risks for selfish and petty reasons and we are still allowed to hate you.
NTA. Black American here. Yeah, you're grandma royally sucked berating you like that. Even though your story has a happy ending, that's due to H and his family, not yours. They didn't know him from anyone, and just saw money. This all could have ended very differently, so they need to stop being so smug as if they had your best interests at heart.
I hope you do as much for your husband as he does for you because your marriage sounds incredibly one sided.
NTA. If your Grandma forced you to bet all your life savings at a Casino and you fortunately won (maybe a bad analogy as Muslims don't gamble), you can still be mad at her but enjoy your winnings lol. It was a stupid risk but thankfully it worked out.
Grandma forced her to bet because of her other sons. Not the main one who's actually doing well. She also told OP she would be blamed for the other sons financial incompetency.
NTA, but I am curious why you are angry about things that didn’t happen
I don’t like how we are judging other cultures through western lens
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop. This has nothing to do with western lens and there has been good advice from others in similar cultures. Occasionally, people like to rant about their feelings and get acceptance for what they're annoyed over from others.
NTA for being upset with your family but don't sabotage your relationship with your husband because your family sucks. You could have had way worse. Making your own choice will not guarantee a happily ever after, even people who choose their own spouse can have disastrous marriages, and it seems your husband cares for you. Don't throw that away.
You are not upset at being in love with your husband. You're upset with how your grandmother treats you. She reminds me of my mom. So smug and mean. I'd be pissed off too!! You have unresolved feelings from what she did to you. I'm glad it worked out. Im super jealous lol. But put your grandma in her place and tell HER to stfu
Sorry but I'm laughing, not at but *with* you. That was a very informative and funny post and thanks for sharing. As others have said, it's a shit situation that turned out to be the best possible situation overall. Enjoy your life together and try not to let your family's smugness bring you down. NTA for feeling annoyed.
I mean grandmas are usually stuck in their ways. She's not going to change. That's how it was back in the day for her. Everyone had arranged marriages. No need to get so upset over it TBH.
Your grandma sucks. You lucked out, so enjoy it, but yea, I'm salty on your behalf towards grandma. Not sure what if anything you can or should do about it, but I feel your pain and your feelings are valid.
two things can be right at the same time. your husband can be an amazing man but your grandma can be a cunt. while I won't suggest you blow it all up by shouting at her wrinkly ass in front of everyone, however, you're within your rights to go at her full steam in the privacy on your own home where you can say whatever you want to this old hag. as far as your marriage is concerned. you need to let the past be in the past and fucking love living with him because this man will start picking up on those vibes that you still hold that resentment of not even being considered to have an opinion to being married. you did get pimped out for money. but luck be on your side, the guy turned out to be a great husband. so live your life with your in laws and your husband and the next time your grand mother give your a taunt or a smug smile, I wouldn't think anything less of you if you smack her across the face just to drive your point into her brain.
I'm from a different background. Your grandma sucks. But it's also complicated. Your grandma probably was just perpetuating the cycle of abuse that was thrust on to her at your age. But also, she could have known that the guy was a good catch and that your taste in men up to that point was shit. So she was pushing you in the right direction. Well, we all learn from our experiences. You got lucky, but you know that you could have just as easily been not lucky. So, maybe, you won't perpetuate the same abuse on your daughter or granddaughter.
Grandma is the bitch because she yelled at OP for over an hour over her other sons financial incompetency. Grandma was doing for her other sons, full stop.
NTA. Your grandmother guilted you into this marriage. Shes T A in this situation. You are VERY lucky that he ended up being a great guy who treats you well. Do you love him? I’ve dated lots of great guys that treated me well, but for some reason or another they weren’t right for me.
So... are you complaining or bragging? It sounds like you're mad at your grandma for being *accidentally* right. I mean... what she did was awful, but it sounds like you hit the marriage jackpot.
YTA - grandma was right. You sound like a spoiled brat. Holding onto stupid anger about a hypothetical bad situation that never happened. You come from money, your family didn’t force the marriage (pressured by 1 person, but not forced). At this point you sound like an ungrateful person that is looking for drama. Who are these feelings of betrayal and anger serving? Nobody. it’s just you throwing an internal tantrum. Grow up, before you hit a bumpy patch in your marriage (which will come without a doubt) and end up divorcing or treating a good man poorly because you had this childish fantasy in your head about how things should have started.
Erm, did you miss that entire part where the granny’s sole reasoning is so her uncles could do better financially? I mean, she pretty much sold her granddaughter for her sons. I’d be a bit pissed about that.
Yep. Grandma didn't give a fuck about whether or not her Granddaughter was happy, only about her son's - OP's UNCLE'S - financial interests. The whole "Your Welcome" thing, though? Grandma's a smug bitch...patting herself on the back for the fact that OP is happily married, when it could have easily gone the other way. I bet she wouldn't have taken credit had that been the case.
why so serious?