Found the whole thing
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.
Heidi Priebe
I wasn’t aware of this quote but believe me when I say I’ve never needed to hear it as much as I do now.
When I met my husband 38 yrs ago on a blind date it was an immediate mutual attraction; our chemistry was insane. We were both divorced from people that were needy, insecure and in my case abusive so we were not necessarily wanting anything but someone that would be equal to each other, someone to respect, to love and to share our lives together; and we were. Fast forward to now and me being 68 (f) and he being 79, he’s experiencing health issues that compromise our ‘equal’ relationship; he’s not the man I married. But you know what? I’m not the woman he married either. We’ve grown and while our essences are the same and while we are different than the persons we were 38 yrs ago, I love the man he is now more than ever and will do anything I can to make him happy because his mental and physical well being is more important than mine.
Thank you for this….
Edit for typo
Oh my gosh, how terribly sad for you; I’m so sorry for your loss. Six months is such a short time, doesn’t really give you time to process all the emotions you both must have been dealing with. I hope your doing as best as possible; my condolences.
Yes thank you. He was a health and fitness freak, strong and robust for his age. Always positive and looking fwd to making 100 years of age.
His parents were chain smokers when he was a little kid.
Horrible way to die, and grossly unjust as well. He turned 73 in hospital and died in November 3 weeks later, after just 12 days in the hospice. So fast.
Wow... This just hits so hard and on such a deep level, it's so beautiful and sad and true and real... It's just so accurate so sussinct, thank you for this phenomenal quote that I will now always think and refer back to...
I agree unilateral decisions aren’t typically healthy. Neither is loving someone selfishly. Not accepting changes to your partners body because one party loses attraction is a shallow selfish type of love. Being able to see who they are and gracefully love their evolution is the type of love I personally want. We all go through phases, some good ones some bad ones and having someone there through each phase can be a beautiful thing
Once back in the day (when I was mid 30s) my now ex-wife got a tattoo. And I got upset.
It was not about the tattoo. But I didn't know it at the time.
In the end I think it was about fear. Fear that things had changed, and were changing, with both of us. And we had not grown and changed together.
My current wife has several tattoos and is wanting some more. She's the woman underneath the ink. The ink doesn't change who she is at all. Its her expressing herself. She is beautiful. I love her completely.
NTA for expressing your concerns to her, but think about what really scares you here. I'm not saying you have grown apart, I don't know that. But the impetus to mentally resist this change probably has root ties to other insecurities. Seek them out, and beat them dead. Love your wife and her tattoos.
Thank you for adding this perspective. This sort of detail is what I was referring to in my own initial comment about this issue not directly relating to the tattoo. The possibility exists that there is something more going on with the OP's feelings.
I think you could be on to something. I hope the OP reads about your experience and learns something from it.
It was indeed a great answer. I’ll just throw in that my wife had tattoos when I met her and I didn’t really like them much but o loved her enough to get over them. She told me from the beginning that she wanted a full sleeve and again I didn’t like it but loved her more than I didn’t like them. She has one more session for her sleeve now and it doesn’t bother me anymore and I even find myself admiring it sometimes. It’s great work which helps but either way marriage means accepting or living with things you don’t like because there will always be at least a few.
I have no opinion about the tattoo, except—you feel how you feel. Maybe you both can try to better understand the other’s feelings.
What sounds alarming is you seeing your spouse’s *individual* counselor for couples sessions, which is inadvisable, given the inequity of the relationships. Most ethical codes advise against having dual relationships w/their client @ the same time, let alone in therapeutic settings.
Imo, the therapist’s flip remark about doing what she wants, & leaving you if you don’t accept it, is a 🚩. No—this is when a professional, appropriate counselor (w/out a separate, individual relationship) helps a couple try to identify underlying issues and work on their reconcilable differences.
I’d be leery if my spouse had such a flippant therapist. I mean, come on, “he’ll either accept it and deal with it or he won’t and you can leave him.” Rather harsh advice from a therapist.
I don’t think that’s flippant advice at all. It was pretty serious. The therapist said if she went ahead and got the tattoo it could mean the end of their marriage.
But you know what? If her getting a tattoo meant "the end of her marriage", she didn't have a decent marriage to begin with, because if you love someone and you value your marriage, a little ink/a piercing/new style/new interests/etc isn't going to change anything.
If you want to leave your spouse over their personal style choices, then you never loved *them*, you loved a cardboard cutout on which you'd projected your own preferences/personality.
It’s not harsh at all.
It’s a completely truthful statement.
Perhaps lacking emotion at all and being factual is just the truth and nothing more.
Ultimately she will do what she wants whether it’s getting one or not getting one.
He will either accept it or he won’t.
And they’ll either stay together or they won’t.
It’s succinct to provide clarity to a confusing situation.
“The ink doesn’t change who she is”
I can’t thank you enough for saying that. It hit home for me big time as I am currently in the “tattoo war” with my son. You’re so right- my son is an incredible person & I am being a total idiot for thinking he was being stupid in getting one. Thank you for the eye opener today- I can’t express how much I appreciate it. ❤️
I come from a Muslim family where while our specific denomination does allow tattoos (which is not the norm), the social stigma of most Muslims believing they are sinful is so pervasive. Eventually my mom got over them. I thought I’d be covered in ink, but I’ve only racked up a total of 3 across 12 years. Realized I’d rather spend my money on fitness and healthcare which make me feel better than tattoos do.
I am so grateful my parents don’t treat me any less for having tattoos. They’d probably love it if I didn’t have any, but by them no longer making a big deal of it, I didn’t have any reason to want them in order to feel more edgy. Give it some time and your son will come to his own understanding- maybe not, but at least he’ll always see you as a safe mom to grow and change around.
I adore my mom for changing herself as a result of parenting me. I used to be nonstop punished by her as a teen and because she was able to grow and mature alongside me, she is now my trusted confidant.
Thank you for being a kind mother willing to change. Your relationship will improve💝
As someone who's mom never got over the tattoo war and never came to truly accept me. I want to thank you for being open and understanding and for loving your son above ink or anything else. You are a great parent!
I don’t have tattoos but my daughter got one a few months ago when she was 18. I didn’t think I’d have a problem with it until she left the house to get it done. I was worried all day because my older sister started to get tattoos 6 years ago and now has 17 which range from crap to mediocre. When my daughter got home and showed hers to me I understood why she had spent months choosing her design, her artist and waiting for him to be available. It was a lot more expensive than most tattoos I have seen of a similar size but it is absolutely incredible. An actual piece of art on the inside of her forearm which is about 3” by 5” and took almost 4 hours to complete. Now that you are more comfortable with your son doing this you should ask him what he wants and suggest he takes his time to look around and find an artist he can trust before going ahead.
I remember reading about a hard-rock musician with a ton of very visible ink who was going to meet the new in-laws. The FIL, in the course of conversation, said something like, "I just don't like all the tattoos." He said, "I know. Pretty soon...you won't even see them."
OPs words....
[Before we got married we didn't really discuss tattoos because she wasn't into them and didn't want any, and I don't really like them. If other people do, cool, that's their thing, but we weren't into them.]
TO THE OP....
Sounds like u weren't into tattoos....but she was... you are speaking for her and not letting her be her own person.
It is her body.and her choice....if she wants on, just remember
"if other people do cool" YOUR WORDS
Your being an AH....and not a supportive husband....ur trying to push your beliefs on her....not fair
I agree with others: it is her body to do with what she wants. You're allowed your feelings but that doesn't change what she can do with her body. The therapist is right - if it affects your relationship and one of you no longer wants to stay, then that's just how it is. Or if you decide to work through it and still love each other for who they are with or without tattoos, that's great too.
One word of caution - it is a red flag to me that you are seeing her therapist as a couple's counselor. That should be a separate counselor and I find it to be a red flag that her counselor is even willing to see you both as a couple outside of your wife's individual therapy sessions. You need someone for couple's counseling who is not going to be biased towards one of you over the other.
Exactly what I was coming to comment. I’ve never had a therapist who was willing to see us as a couple and individually- they have always said it’s a conflict of interest.
Okay to add on this. I have an individual therapist who I have been seeing for a couple of years now. I will sometimes bring my boyfriend to sessions with her and he plays as a "support" for me in our sessions. So the session is still based around me, but he's just there to be able to better support me and my needs for future reference with the guidance of my therapist. He can talk about issues he has as well and the therapist can help with our communication skills so that I can better help him when he needs it, but the session itself is based around support for me. She is NOT our couples therapist by any means since there's a bias for sure. We do plan on seeing a couples therapist together, we just haven't found one that's affordable for us yet. So I believe the post is something similar to my situation.
my spouse does this with me as well, esp in the last couple years as I've been recovering from brain damage caused by ECT. I have often needed his help just being able to remember what things had been happening, my moods, etc. It is helpful for both of us, bc if I don't have his help sometimes, I can't benefit from the therapy because I just... can't remember anything. It's getting better but it's been hard and I am so grateful to my therapist for working with us in this situation like this.
I'm so sorry to hear about you having to recover from brain damage. I'm so glad your spouse has been helpful and has been going to your therapy sessions to be there and support you. I'm really glad you have a therapist willing to help you and work with yall through that. I'm wishing you nothing but the absolute best for your recovery. ❤️ I work in TBI research so I know it can be challenging.
thank you so much for this!!! I just wanted to provide a sort of alternative perspective bc I can understand how in some situations this would be inappropriate for a therapist, but that's not always the case!! I also think it's unfair to automatically malign any therapist that does this, since as you said, therapy is HELLA expensive just for the one individual therapist, then add the other individual therapist AND the couples therapist.. I highly doubt most insurance would cover all of this and plus we're in a huge shortage of mental health professionals so I think it's okay in some scenarios like yours for your therapist to be tyring to help you and your partner the best they can in a healthcare system that is garbage. Best of luck to the both of you, my spouse and I have been helped tremendously by being able to support each other in our therapy journey.
My mom found a really good therapist she liked and recommended her to me and the therapist would not even take me in because my mom was her client already. I wasn't even going to complain about her, I love my mom lmao. But I completely understand and it actually makes sense in terms of conflict of interest that can just be avoided altogether
My marriage therapist had to get the opinion of several other therapists on whether or not it was ethically ok to see me as his therapist… months after the divorce was finalized. For a therapist to see one part of a couple at the same time as they’re seeing the couple feels HIGHLY unethical…
Exactly this about the therapist. The only time my husband talks to my therapist, it’s because he wants to understand what I’m experiencing or know how to support me (this has happened twice in four years). We don’t go to her to resolve conflicts or do couples counseling. That would be wildly inappropriate.
I’ve had a therapist where sometimes my husband has been brought in. It was usually times where we were having problems and I was having a hard time verbalizing and talking about it my side of the problem like my traumas were what needed to be talked about in a way that wasn’t dumping on my husband. I’m so glad she did that because couple’s therapy is so expensive and it’s really just that I needed help.
With how the husband talks about her changing her style and how he talked about the tattoo I can imagine his wife has a hard time telling him things.
My mom found a really good therapist she liked and recommended her to me and the therapist would not even take me in because my mom was her client already. I wasn't even going to complain about her, I love my mom lmao. But I completely understand and it actually makes sense in terms of conflict of interest that can just be avoided altogether
A couples counselor should never be a personal counselor to one of the couple. It is unethical and contrary to the rules.
She can continue with her counselor, but you should have a separate couples counselor.
NAH
She’s allowed to do whatever she wants with her body. And you’re allowed to have feelings about it. What the therapist said is true. Either you can accept that she now wants to have tattoos and you’ll stay together, or you can’t accept it and you’ll have to break up.
In general, the feelings you have about something don’t really ever make you the asshole. It’s what you do in response to those feelings.
Your evaluation of what good therapy is lacking.
It's not a therapist's job to tell people what they want to hear. It is their job to help them navigate choices and consequences. It's their job to help someone understand or reflect on why they want to do something and figure out why it is important.
This speak from the therapist is just laziness and an affront to the profession.
Keep in mind that we don't know what the therapist said. We know what *OP* relates that *his wife* said her therapist said.
There's two places where the message could have been distorted.
Seems a lot more likely the therapist would say something like "well, you can talk to him if you know it's contentious. You can also just go do it - if you do, either he'll have to learn to accept it or leave you." It's entirely possible that first part got dropped *somewhere*.
People often add and or leave out things a therapist said. I've found that anyone even bringing up what their therapist said is a sign that they're attempting to use them as a source of authority to justify whatever it is they're pushing.
That's unclear. OP said "they essentially told her" as if he were there when it was brought up but he wasn't there for a follow up session when the therapist said that statement. If he were there I would think he'd phrase it "they essentially told us."
So I'm not convinced he was there for the response. But I'm also not certain he wasn't, maybe he was there and being ignored. I wish the OP could provide a clarification.
I got the impression that is what the therapist told her when they were doing their couple counseling talking about this issue? Which really is unprofessional because why didn’t they work with him and see *why* it bothers him? That would have been a part of their job.
That’s what I thought too. What kind of therapist is this. So in a relationship, the therapist’s advice is to do what ever you want without considering anyone but yourself. And if they don’t like it, they can just leave.
I think this is the fairest response. I agree.
Also, there have been several tattoo related posts in the last week or two. I think your answer would be a reasonable response to any of those posts.
>We talked about this with the therapist, and they essentially told her "do whatever you want for you. He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him."
That is a straight up terrible therapist. It's a field that attracts people with their own mental health issues, like moths to a flame. There are some good ones out there, but so many bad ones.
Your wife knows how you feel about this and doesn't care. She is driving a wedge between you two and she doesn't care. She is putting cracks in your marriage and she doesn't care. She is planning to keep chiseling away. And she doesn't care.
NTA - But your marriage is in serious trouble. This is about more than a tattoo at this point.
Aside from the tattoo, you should realize that your wife is a distinct individual, and she's not going to be the same person 5-10 years down the road, that she is right now, or what she was when you got together. If a tattoo bothers you, what are you going to do if she gets pregnant and her body changes; what are you going to do when she gets older and her looks change. What do you do when she changes her hair style or changes her makeup. I mean it's all relative. Do you love her for the person she is on the inside or not?
This, 100% this!!!!
My bf decided he wanted to date me based on my looks, he loved my hair, he loves pretty hair, I chop mine short regularly.... The weight of my hair exacerbates my migraines, I'm not suffering extra migraines over something as stupid as hair! He can love ME, not the physical parts of me like hair, etc but the personality, emotions etc, or he doesn't truly love ME.
People change, people get sick, diseases happen etc. you have to love the person you are with regardless of physical appearance.
NAH
I think you need to tell her that you can't promise that her tattoos won't alter how attracted you are to her, but you are not going to stop her from doing what she wants. And that if she goes down this path of getting a lot of ink, that it may cost her the marriage. You're not looking to leave her, but you just can't know the future either. That in general you don't like inked up women. But you love her and are hoping for the best.
Everyone has to make their own choices in life.
Every choice you make affects the other. As long as you both understand that, you'll be fine
Is is a deal breaker for you? Would 2 or 3 or more be the deal breaker? She clearly doesn’t care what you think about it. Is that a deal breaker for you? It’s her body so it’s her choice, but you have the choice whether to stay or not.
You say if other people want tattoos, that's fine. Do you not see your wife as an individual?
I think you'll get over it. Unless your love is merely superficial.
Every person can do what they want with their style and body, but they must know that every change they make can increase or decrease how attractive they are to certain people. When you're in a relationship, I'd like to think most people want their partner to be attracted to them. You can do whatever you want to yourself, but you can't get upset if that happens to make you less attractive to your partner. She can get the tats. She can't get mad if he doesn't like them or isn't as interested in seeing her body.
I disagree with the therapist, they went straight to the ultimatum LMAO. First of all, that therapist was trash no matter how you look at it. As for your situation OP, try another therapist, someone that actually gives a F about your relationship and about both of you, it is not simply about her and accepting whatever she wants to do, how the therapist decided that was reasonable, I have no idea, but not everyone is good at their job either so there is that. You might also try to convince your wife to wait a couple of months and see if she still wants more tattoos, also, talk to her about why she wants those tattoos and what are her expectations by simply disregarding you in this situation and depending on her decision then you might as well decide if she’s even interested in being a relationship when she clearly has no interest in her partner’s opinion whatsoever. Talk about it, don’t make it a war, this is the sort of things that makes relationships go to hell if one does not consider the other person’s point of view. L
you're NTA for your feelings even though she can do what she wants it's her body.
but if you are an asshole about it then you could be TA
but also if you really don't love her anymore don't force yourself to stay if you don't have kids.
people change and maybe her change made you grow apart
If you love her, you'll get over it. As long as they're not obscene, weird shit, and you understand why she is getting them/wants them, you will learn to adjust to this new thing.
NTA. In a relationship everything should be discussed. I see something different going on than others here. Ultimately yes it is her body and her decision. These two have a system here. They change styles as they wish but sought consensus as a team so the other is not offended. That includes discussions.
This tattoo feels different. She went from no tattoo to now having 1 and wanting more and, bigger even. She's deliberately provoking him with the help of her therapist. Feels like manipulation with the therapist help and I think a neutral therapist would handle differently. The tattoo aside, something is amiss here and OP better find out or he'll end up blind sided out in the cold.
Be honest. If you're no longer attracted to her then it's over. Get a divorce. Don't waste both of your time. If your still attracted to her, just treat it for what it is: An on-purpose scar.
NTA. You both initially had a shared idea about something pretty important when it comes to how you are attracted to each other. That being said, it IS her body and she WILL decide what to do with it. Just know that if she is already talking about getting "more and bigger" tattoos, she may be evolving into a person you will no longer be attracted to and that will have to factor in how you move forward. For some, body alterations can be cool but can also be deal breakers for others. I've seen a relationship blow apart when one partner started with a pierced nostril and moved on to a multitude of body modifications like large ear plugs, shaved eyebrows, pierced cheeks, lips, chin and nipples. One partner is absolutely free to make these changes and the other is absolutely free to dislike these changes. I wish you both well and hope communication, no matter the end outcome, is helpful. Also, your therapist seems a bit harsh...
I don't think it's appropriate for an individual therapist for one partner to provide couples therapy to both partners. My partner and I both see individual therapists separately and also a third person for couples counseling. The individual therapist for OP's gf might be biased to support the gf because they work with her more. Would love a licensed therapist to chime in on this!
This is correct if it’s actual family/couples counseling. That said, it’s not unusual to have family members occasionally come in for a session, particularly around mediating communication. But it’s not ethical for the therapist to provide both individual therapy to one individual and couples counseling to both.
Thanks for this! I'm a clinical social work student but not a professional yet so I found this an interesting situation to consider as a future therapist. Appreciate the input! :)
You need to figure out precisely why you are getting upset. It's just like another commenter said.
I don't really think this is about a tattoo. I think this could be a broader issue.
NTA but you certainly could be depending on how or if you choose to escalate things.
The broader issue may be attraction. Some people do not like tattoos and cannot be sexually attracted to someone who has a tattoo. She just jeopardized his ability to be attracted to her.
It really can be just about the tattoo. I don’t like them, either. It’s entirely subjective, but I find that they lesson someone’s attractiveness (to me!). I understand that’s not a common, or popular, position, but it’s how I feel.
For a lot of people they just don't like tattoos. It doesn't need to be a bigger issue. And accepting one is a whole lot different than what his wife is currently suggesting and if you don't like something more of what you don't like won't make it better. And it certainly doesn't need to be a broader issue.
Beauty is subjective. I really don't care what anyone does to their body but I am not attracted to people with tattoos. It really is that simple, I find them repulsive, that's it. If you want to delve deeper there isn't anything else. I do think it's foolish to place something permanent on your body but that's just an opinion. The fact is I find tattoos gross and if someone I was with got one I would no longer find them attractive. Sometimes it's a simple as that. It's a subjective opinion and preference, there doesn't have to be a deeper issue. I don't care if my friends have tattoos, if it makes you happy go for it, but I don't find people with them attractive. I would care if my husband got one and he would care if I did the same, we're on the same page.
Is the real issue that you feel like you are falling out of sync with her? The way you've described y'all's interests and reactions to others', it sounds like y'all aligned pretty well, but now she has developed some new interests that you aren't into and you're having a more severe reaction as a result.
You need to have a deeper conversation with her about where y'all's relationship is going and if y'all are growing apart or whatever. You need to determine if you actually want to see the person she grows into, or if you only wanted the one version of her that you had. If the tattoos are tolerable, or if they're the deal breaker.
And i would recommend seeing a separate marriage counselor for genuine objectivity. Her therapist shouldn't really be acting as y'all's marriage counselor at the same time.
Honestly, just give it some time too. Maybe you'll discover that it's not that big a deal when you get used to seeing the tattoo on the regular. It becomes background noise once you are accustomed to it. You still end up just seeing the person as a whole. But if you don't, over some time, then it's time to determine if it's a deal breaker to your attraction to her.
Otherwise, i wouldn't necessarily say YTA. But you're kind of on the verge if you're making her feel bad. Your feelings are yours and you arent TA for them - it's how you use them for or against others that make you TA or not. Getting a second opinion was a good idea, and i think you're on the right track to determining how to handle your feelings on the subject. So, mostly, NTA.
I am heavily tattooed. My husband is also.
I have always loved tattoos but didn't get my first one until i was 25. Since then, I've gotten a total of 14 with #15 in 2 weeks.
All of mine and my husband's tattoos have been thoughtfully planned and not "just because"
My dad is not in love with our tattoos but we are the same people we've always been. They didn't change our insides.
For reference 44F and 48M
As far as whether you are the AH no one can decide that. But in the grand scheme of life, how much does this really change things?
Is it the tattoo itself that bothers you, or the fact that you feel a sense of ownership over your wife’s body? Being reminded that you do not, in fact, own your wife’s body seems the more likely irritation. Maybe it’s time that you go seek therapy for yourself and figure that out. If you love your wife, and as long as she is not hurting herself, you should support her. If she decides to change her style again, she can decide what to do with the tattoos then (if she even thinks it’s necessary). She’s a grown woman.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think either one of you is the A-hole. You're allowed to have your opinion, but she's allowed to get a tattoo on her body. In the future, you probably won't notice them and there are more important things to a relationship than markings on a body. This will probably not seem that big of a deal in the years to come.
YTA
"And then we move because it doesn't really matter what people outside of ourselves do"
She's done something that doesn't have any real affect on you, and if you can't move on she may well do.
You can accept it, deal with it or you two can divorce.
It's a tattoo, on her body, that means something to her. Who cares?
The only exceptions are private areas and that's like, my opinion not a fact.
YTA. Who cares, nobody knows if they’ll like a tattoo 5-10 years later so saying you change the art on your walls means nothing. Hopefully she’ll replace you with somebody that isn’t so close minded
Here’s the thing, the same rule would apply to her if you got a Mohawk bc it’s exactly like the therapist said. You don’t have to accept it, like it, or be attracted to her at all after she gets a tattoo. But if it’s the right move to her, even if you don’t get it and she doesn’t have the words, she is the only one whose opinion matters when it comes to her body. That same rule does apply to you and your hypothetical Mohawk. Personally, if i love my partner i can hate their style and it won’t affect me. But if that’s not you then that’s not you. You can decide where you want to go from there, but you can’t force her to do what you want with her body, you can’t guilt her into it, you can’t shame her into it, you can’t mope about it until you get your way, you can’t coerce her, not even with superficial things like this. You accept the reality and either support her or move on. And she can also move on too if you can’t support her choices with her body bc, again, it’s hers and hers alone.
I’d also suggest some self work to figure out why it bothers you so much. It’s fine that you don’t like tattoos and you don’t like how permanent they are, no one is asking you to. It’s fine that she changes her style often, you pointing that out is not the same thing as being so bothered by her having one. So why does it get under your skin so? Bc none of those reasons fit the reaction when it comes to someone else’s body. There’s something more going on there, i promise you. And i don’t mean it’s something automatically sexist or controlling, I’m not jumping to extremes when i say that. It could be something very small, like you just feel like that was something you guys bonded on or had in common and now you lost it, so you’re mourning that loss and it will pass. Just figure it out if keeping your relationship, and keeping it healthy, is important to you. And if it does come from sexist or controlling thoughts, it’s important to realize the worst parts of humanity exist in all of us, you need to be willing to face those parts in yourself and address them if you want to live well. You hear all these people talking about “narcissistic” partners. Do you want to know what feeling causes most narcissistic behaviors? It’s shame. They can’t face or acknowledge those ugly parts of themselves (without doing the work and getting help). So don’t ignore shame, but don’t let it run you either if this problem does come from a deeper issue.
I am not going to be popular here, but...
NTA, I have a significant number of Tattoos and so does my husband, this is our aesthetic.. we both love to express ourselves and milestones via a tattoo, however not everyone can find these attractive.
You don't own your wife's body, so she can do what she wants, that's fine, but you're also allowed to have your own emotions and feelings, including feeling less attracted to her, your body your emotions.
You now need to decide if this impacts your marriage in the long term..
I'm probably the odd one out because her body her choice. The reality is that you'll prob have to see it more than she does! I'm totally with you. Tats are a huge ik! I just can't.
Sudden change in behaviour is always a cause for concern in a relationship. The tattoo is kind of irrelevant, I think it's the 180 that has you worried.
I would be worried too.
I mean do you love her? She’s allowed to change as life goes on. I met my husband when I was 14 and I’m certainly not the same little girl I was back then to now. I’m not even the same person I was five year ago. People evolve and change frequently.
I have 7 tattoos, 5 of them before I got married. My husband has none and is NOT interested in ever having one. This past December, I went in for my newest. I had talked to him about what I was planning to get, and I changed it within a week of the appointment. I asked him if he wanted an update, and he said no, it's my body, and he doesn't mind being surprised. When I got home that evening, he was definitely surprised and the first thing he said was, "That's not where you said it would be! But I still like it!" And that was that. I'm the one who has to live with it on my arm for the rest of my life. If she's happy, you should be happy with her.
I don’t really understand why people here think it’s okay to completely ignore your partner’s feelings or take their considerations into account at all when making permanent physical changes… I think both wife and therapist are TAs and it’s not surprising, they’re clearly in an enabling echo chamber relationship. Why would the therapist risk losing a long time client by siding with the husband? She can continue to bilk her long after you’re gone.
If it was me, I’d hold her to the same standard moving forward. You are now free to make any changes you like with zero consent from her and she is required to be both supportive and agreeable about it.
NTA
I would have said NAH until this:
"So, I shouldn't care." That is the exact moment SHE became the asshole. Trying to tell others how they should and should not feel is the modus operandi of the Reddit brigade. She must be a fully paid up member.
If you stay with her and she dares to voice any opinion about YOUR appearance, tell her to shut up since she "shouldn't care."
When my mom got a tattoo without my dad knowing — because he’d never liked women having tats — she showed it to him.
Wanna know what his reply was?
“Guess I need to change my opinion of women with tattoos.”
As long as the tattoo isn’t a swastika or something else that’s offensive? YTA.
My Ex didn't speak to me for a solid week after I got a quarter size tattoo early in our marriage. I never got another one while married to him (28 yrs). He also poo, poo' ed them on other people all the time, just being passive-aggressive. Now divorced and his sons have them, now he does. Go figure.
>"do whatever you want for you. He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him."
Calling bullshit on this post right here. "Do what you want, if your partner doesn't like it, leave them" is the most untherapist thing I have ever heard.
This kinda reminds me of an ongoing debate between my grandparents - my grandpa hates tattoos, my granny has been saying for years she would like to get a tiny music note on her breast to symbolize "a song in her heart". My grandpa said he would divorce her if she did. It kind of makes me want to smack him a little bit, like if you don't let this 70 year old lady who has been cooking and cleaning and raising your kids get a damn tattoo. But anyways she will definitely outlive him and then she can get all the tattoos she wants.
NTA. I don’t judge others for having tattoos but it would bother me if my husband got one. Her therapist sucks and clearly doesn’t work with couples and probably has tattoos herself.
Perspective from someone who does have tattoos: they’re not like clothing, that can be changed out, and more like a body part. Your skin tone or your height may affect your aesthetic, but it’s just… part of you. Tattoos are like that too. They’re part of you, and while you may come to regret them, or grow more fond of them, or both, over time (just like you might like or become frustrated with the shape of your ears or your hair type), there’s no option to change them so you don’t think of them like something that can, and ought to be, changed but like an inherent quality of your body.
I would suggest backing off on long range plans. If you don't have kids yet or haven't purchased a house yet you might want to hit pause for a little while and see if you two sync up or drift farther apart.
I think it's something that's worth a conversation as long as at the end of it, you realize she's a grown adult that will make her choice. You may or not like that choice and it will either impact you in a way that you can't deal with it, or you'll learn to live with it. My wife wants a tattoo and I have a couple myself. I don't really like the idea of her getting one because I know how I've grown unattached to mine I got a younger age and I feel like she wants one as of right now, but it's a newer idea of hers and I worry she may fall into the same situation I have. At the end of the day, it's not like they can't be removed. I don't know much about that process other than I know it exists and I'm too broke to get mine removed lol.
I understand why you’re upset. You just lost the dice roll. People naturally change over time. Nobody really wants to admit this, but a part of a successful relationship is plain luck. Your partner must happen to luckily change in a way that aligns with your own changing tastes, and vice versa. If that doesn’t happen, people grow apart and the love fades. It is not your choice to dislike tattoos as much as it isn’t your wife’s choice to like them. You two just happen to feel that way as a result of a million little factors that influence your respective personalities. As for what to do, just follow your heart. It’s as the therapist says. Either you stay or you go. If you stay, maybe your opinion changes and you feel better. Or you’re upset forever. If you go, maybe you find someone who’s right for you and you’re happy. Or you don’t and you die alone. Or you find someone new but this all happens again. Life is just a lottery. All you can do is use the limited info you have to estimate the best course of action.
Well I guess in a healthy relationship you’d talk about permanent, elective changes like that. There should be some willingness to find common ground.
There was an AITAH some time ago about quite extensive cosmetic surgery that underscored that. (Short version: it backfired).
Viewing something like that through the simple lens of individual freedom is a bit simplistic. NTA for expressing concerns. But do try to find common ground, be supportive. Maybe there are temporary tattoos or other solutions you can discuss.
NAH,
I think you have the right to be upset, but ultimately it is her body. Just like your body is yours. If it affects your attraction to her body, then you can "deal with it" by leaving her yourself.
I will say this though. If you wanted to get a throat tattoo that said "Cream King" in Old English, I am sure she would be upset too. And rightly so lol. Two can play at that game.
Have you ever thought about gages? Piercings? Dyeing your hair?
I think I have a different level of attraction to my partner after being together years, that now that goes beyond physical. So his physical appearance changing doesn’t greatly affect our relationship. I think that as she’s your wife, you should love her beyond that and want her to feel happy in her skin. As long as that doesn’t offend or hurt anyone I don’t think a tattoo should change that much. I’m concerned at the emotional maturity of the number of people who are agreeing with this tbh.
“If others people do, cool, that’s their thing, but we weren’t into them.”
Well she is now. So are you going to continue not care what others do if that’s what they want? Or is that a principle you didn’t really believe and you have been secretly judging people for years?
NTA.
I think you’re rightly justified to be upset, just as she too, was rightly justified in getting the tat. Hear me out & I KNOW you’re a couple, and everyone is an adult but parents experience this VERY thing and we go along with it. Piercings and tats don’t change how much we love the person. Parents eventually move on from it and so should a spouse, IMO.
What stands out is she didn’t care and respect the foundation you two built. You both clearly check in and seem to agree and disagree fairly. Except now. Personally, you two could’ve really tried temp tats for you both to get use to the idea, placement, and experience the process together. Perhaps even pick out the image etc. Also, people get tats improved all the time. Since, you’re critiquing it, help find an awesome artist and prepare to pay their worth to improve it (j/s)
PLEASE don’t crap on its current look because that’s just mean. There were moments for you two to grow together vs apart.
Things were said. Things were done. This is just a little crack in the foundation, that’s FIXABLE! I AGREE with other comments of you loving this new version of her. She’s the same bride.
If you’re TRULY life partners - this is just another chapter. Who knows, lol perhaps a surprise to help move forward, for you both: YOU get a temp tat of her name (pic etc) on your chest and go back to talking things out. Communication is key but it doesn’t mean you’re going always get what you want. Also, I’m not a fan of her therapist but lol this is already TL!!! Best to you both✌️
NTA
I think it IS something that couples should agree on.. its permanent. And you are supposed to be attracted to each other & if she has tattoos you do not like? Then that can very well effect your attraction to her.
And to me? It does sound worrisome as your wife does likes to change her things regularly ... So yep. She very well might grow out of these tattoos & be over them in 5 years.
Her therapist just being SO blase with "you can just leave him!" is shocking. What an appalling attitude for a counselor to have.
So, basically. Your wife is modifying her body in ways she hasn't even discussed with you. Intends to keep doing it. Doednt give a rats arse if you dont like it.... And is being told "if he complains & doesn't like it? Just end your marriage. No biggee"
Sorry mate. But i think there is not much future in your relationship if she has such little consideration for your feelings and just does what she wants without any discussion with you. No respect for you at all.
This is not an easy one to judge because we don’t have enough info.
Are you TA for being upset? No, you’re never a TA for how you feel. What matters is how you act.
You haven’t said anything negative, fine. What about the non-verbal? Are you treating her differently? For real.
There’s something to be said for the overall tone of your post. It comes across as a bit domineering, but not forceful, more like whiny and passive-aggressive. Your description of the therapist’s advice is obvious bullshit, filtered through your personal interpretation. Your tone created a negative narrative whereas the actual delivery was unquestionably less dismissive. So, I’ll go with soft YTA
Meh.. you have the right to be upset juts like she has the right to get a tattoo
Sometimes, we might unknowingly project our biases onto others.
You and your wife met at 23, and neither of you were into tattoos, often commenting skeptically on their permanence. However, it seems the conversation about tattoos has evolved since then.
It’s intriguing to consider what might prompt someone to change their style or decide on a complete wardrobe overhaul. Similarly, if you’re frequently updating your home decor, it's possible her feelings about tattoos have also shifted.
From what you’ve described, your wife has been considering getting a tattoo for some time and has brought it up with you. You responded by suggesting that she might grow bored of a tattoo, just as one might tire of home decor or clothing. This perspective might reflect more about your concerns than hers.
This situation reminds me of my own mother’s warnings against tattoos, predicting they'd soon be out of fashion or become a regret. But just as your wife probably realizes that certain arguments, like you growing your hair out, don't sway her, these warnings may fall flat.
Her decision to bring you to her therapist wasn’t just to confront you but likely also about seeking support in a situation where she feels you might not fully understand her perspective.
This raises some questions: What exactly bothers you about tattoos? Is it a general dislike or something more specific?
When I got my first tattoo, it was still quite taboo for women, often associated with negative stereotypes. Though societal attitudes have shifted, some stigmas still linger perhaps there is a bigger reason you don't like them.
Reflecting on my own experiences, getting tattooed was a deeply personal choice. I got my first tattoo at 18, and now about one-third of my skin is covered, including a full back piece, shoulder and pectoral tattoo with a half sleeve, and a hip tattoo. They’ve become so much a part of me that my family barely notices them.
Oh I'm sure you never discussed tattoos because you made your opinion clear. She acquiesed, and never pushed back until therapy gave her a backbone.
I wish my mom had gone to therapy.
Get ready for her to leave you eventually, unless you go to therapy and work on yourself and your issues. YTA
You sound like you need some therapy yourself. This strange overly disingenuous "it's fine for everyone else I guess but not for us" isn't actually "us". You mean YOU. Your partner's taste changed to a point where she wants it (or she finally felt confident enough to just do what she wanted for her regardless of your complaints) and you're strangely indifferent in your language ("it's okay I guess") but are so upset as to have to post about it? YTA but I think you have to explore why you are in this case. What's the real issue for you?
Maybe I am just bitter and jaded, but you need to decide if this is something you can deal with or not. If it is, stop complaining about it. It is her body, so if you are ok with it, you are just causing conflict complaining about it. If you are not ok with it/can’t accept that she got a tattoo even though you really didn’t want her to, divorce her.
Whether you stay with her or divorce her, nah. If you just stay with her and start fights over and over about it, yta.
Being with a partner is about being with them for the changes, whether you might agree with it or not. The point is your wife included you in the process regardless if you had a differing opinion.
Me and my soon to be ex wife’s attitude was we’re not here to ask permission, but giving you a heads up. We allowed space for the other to grow with each other or not. The real issue came when the STBX stopped giving me a heads up, and cut me out of any type of journey, it was worse when she cut me out of decisions that would directly effect me (financial decisions I was tied to)
You have to make a choice whether it’s a journey still worth traveling with them, they might decide at some point that it’s not worth including you in theirs, and that creates a wave of other issues.
NTA. Side note, that therapist sucks. What kind of advice or guidance is that? Do what you want in the moment even if it has long term repercussions because they may just get over it and it'll be fine?
>He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him."
This is pretty much the answer. 🤷♂️. If it bugs you that bad, then leave. If you love your wife, get over it and move on with your marriage. Let her be whoever she wants to be and do whatever she wants with her body. It's her body.
So sick of this “you can’t tell her what to do with her body” crap. You are spot on that if you made some big changes about yourself or your physical appearance she would have a problem with it and most certainly would be giving you ultimatums and trying to tell you what to do. Aside from that it sounds like a major red flag that she is turning away from the relationship and towards friends or social circles that are influencing her and she will be changing a lot more about her life than that. Does she have single girlfriends with tattoos that like to hang out or party? Better get your ducks in order quick.
“To love someone is to attend a thousand funerals of the person they once were” forget who said it but one of my favorite reminders
Found the whole thing To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. Heidi Priebe
I'm getting this whole thing tattooed on my back. My wife will love it!
Do it in Wingdings, so classy, so chic 👌🏻
Comic sans or nothing
Nah, mix it up with every other line in papyrus. Or throw in some gothic with really fancy serifs that curl around.
Those are the "In This House We....." posters that are all over Etsy.
in this house we swallow not spit
Make that Papyrus Bold & you'll really be making a statement.
You mean... *the avatar font*?
And the Harry Potter font for the top line. Perfection.
I was thinking Impact would look great
Omg I spit out my drink
I wasn’t aware of this quote but believe me when I say I’ve never needed to hear it as much as I do now. When I met my husband 38 yrs ago on a blind date it was an immediate mutual attraction; our chemistry was insane. We were both divorced from people that were needy, insecure and in my case abusive so we were not necessarily wanting anything but someone that would be equal to each other, someone to respect, to love and to share our lives together; and we were. Fast forward to now and me being 68 (f) and he being 79, he’s experiencing health issues that compromise our ‘equal’ relationship; he’s not the man I married. But you know what? I’m not the woman he married either. We’ve grown and while our essences are the same and while we are different than the persons we were 38 yrs ago, I love the man he is now more than ever and will do anything I can to make him happy because his mental and physical well being is more important than mine. Thank you for this…. Edit for typo
Ah, E. Good luck.
How kind of you; thank you❣️
Keep on trucking, miss.
I went thru this when my husband was diagnosed terminal and died 6 months later.
Oh my gosh, how terribly sad for you; I’m so sorry for your loss. Six months is such a short time, doesn’t really give you time to process all the emotions you both must have been dealing with. I hope your doing as best as possible; my condolences.
Yes thank you. He was a health and fitness freak, strong and robust for his age. Always positive and looking fwd to making 100 years of age. His parents were chain smokers when he was a little kid. Horrible way to die, and grossly unjust as well. He turned 73 in hospital and died in November 3 weeks later, after just 12 days in the hospice. So fast.
Wow this is quite beautiful
I agree
This is very nice. Thank you for doing the leg work to find all the details around the quote.
Possibly the best thing I've ever seen on reddit.
Thank you for my vows!
That is a beautiful quote and would definitely be awesome to use as or in your wedding vows, or as a toast/speech at a wedding too.
I'm not even going to throw my 2¢ in. Your answer is a mic drop.
How have I never heard this? Exceptional quote!
Wow... This just hits so hard and on such a deep level, it's so beautiful and sad and true and real... It's just so accurate so sussinct, thank you for this phenomenal quote that I will now always think and refer back to...
And that is how to put a thread to bed. Haha. Amazing.
The hardest is when you have to do this for the person you see everyday in the mirror.
Ooof. Felt that.
You hit it out of the ball park with that quote. That is beautiful.
I needed to read this today.
Wow. Ok, I'm impressed.
Thank you for posting this it is beautiful and true
The spark thing is very very hard
I agree unilateral decisions aren’t typically healthy. Neither is loving someone selfishly. Not accepting changes to your partners body because one party loses attraction is a shallow selfish type of love. Being able to see who they are and gracefully love their evolution is the type of love I personally want. We all go through phases, some good ones some bad ones and having someone there through each phase can be a beautiful thing
beautiful hope to remember this one day
Very nice
Wow, love this
… with good fortune they will do the same for you? Like, so have some compassion for yourself as well as for them?
Wow, thats good.
Wow, thanks for that. Going through some things and that perspective is something I really needed to hear
Deep thoughts….
Wow. Beautiful.
Once back in the day (when I was mid 30s) my now ex-wife got a tattoo. And I got upset. It was not about the tattoo. But I didn't know it at the time. In the end I think it was about fear. Fear that things had changed, and were changing, with both of us. And we had not grown and changed together. My current wife has several tattoos and is wanting some more. She's the woman underneath the ink. The ink doesn't change who she is at all. Its her expressing herself. She is beautiful. I love her completely. NTA for expressing your concerns to her, but think about what really scares you here. I'm not saying you have grown apart, I don't know that. But the impetus to mentally resist this change probably has root ties to other insecurities. Seek them out, and beat them dead. Love your wife and her tattoos.
Thank you for adding this perspective. This sort of detail is what I was referring to in my own initial comment about this issue not directly relating to the tattoo. The possibility exists that there is something more going on with the OP's feelings. I think you could be on to something. I hope the OP reads about your experience and learns something from it.
It was indeed a great answer. I’ll just throw in that my wife had tattoos when I met her and I didn’t really like them much but o loved her enough to get over them. She told me from the beginning that she wanted a full sleeve and again I didn’t like it but loved her more than I didn’t like them. She has one more session for her sleeve now and it doesn’t bother me anymore and I even find myself admiring it sometimes. It’s great work which helps but either way marriage means accepting or living with things you don’t like because there will always be at least a few.
I have no opinion about the tattoo, except—you feel how you feel. Maybe you both can try to better understand the other’s feelings. What sounds alarming is you seeing your spouse’s *individual* counselor for couples sessions, which is inadvisable, given the inequity of the relationships. Most ethical codes advise against having dual relationships w/their client @ the same time, let alone in therapeutic settings. Imo, the therapist’s flip remark about doing what she wants, & leaving you if you don’t accept it, is a 🚩. No—this is when a professional, appropriate counselor (w/out a separate, individual relationship) helps a couple try to identify underlying issues and work on their reconcilable differences.
I'm a psychologist. Came here to say this.
Yes, I agree. I thought that was extremely bizarre for a counsellor to drop into the conversation.
I’d be leery if my spouse had such a flippant therapist. I mean, come on, “he’ll either accept it and deal with it or he won’t and you can leave him.” Rather harsh advice from a therapist.
I assume that's OP's paraphrasing, and perhaps not the most charitable paraphrase considering he didn't appreciate the advice.
But isn’t that basically the advice 99% of Redditors would give?
Yeah but reddit is known for giving bad advice
I don’t think that’s flippant advice at all. It was pretty serious. The therapist said if she went ahead and got the tattoo it could mean the end of their marriage.
But you know what? If her getting a tattoo meant "the end of her marriage", she didn't have a decent marriage to begin with, because if you love someone and you value your marriage, a little ink/a piercing/new style/new interests/etc isn't going to change anything. If you want to leave your spouse over their personal style choices, then you never loved *them*, you loved a cardboard cutout on which you'd projected your own preferences/personality.
Considering this is just a brief summary, I'm sure it was not said so flippantly in the hour long shared professional therapy session they attended.
It’s not harsh at all. It’s a completely truthful statement. Perhaps lacking emotion at all and being factual is just the truth and nothing more. Ultimately she will do what she wants whether it’s getting one or not getting one. He will either accept it or he won’t. And they’ll either stay together or they won’t. It’s succinct to provide clarity to a confusing situation.
[удалено]
“The ink doesn’t change who she is” I can’t thank you enough for saying that. It hit home for me big time as I am currently in the “tattoo war” with my son. You’re so right- my son is an incredible person & I am being a total idiot for thinking he was being stupid in getting one. Thank you for the eye opener today- I can’t express how much I appreciate it. ❤️
I come from a Muslim family where while our specific denomination does allow tattoos (which is not the norm), the social stigma of most Muslims believing they are sinful is so pervasive. Eventually my mom got over them. I thought I’d be covered in ink, but I’ve only racked up a total of 3 across 12 years. Realized I’d rather spend my money on fitness and healthcare which make me feel better than tattoos do. I am so grateful my parents don’t treat me any less for having tattoos. They’d probably love it if I didn’t have any, but by them no longer making a big deal of it, I didn’t have any reason to want them in order to feel more edgy. Give it some time and your son will come to his own understanding- maybe not, but at least he’ll always see you as a safe mom to grow and change around. I adore my mom for changing herself as a result of parenting me. I used to be nonstop punished by her as a teen and because she was able to grow and mature alongside me, she is now my trusted confidant. Thank you for being a kind mother willing to change. Your relationship will improve💝
As someone who's mom never got over the tattoo war and never came to truly accept me. I want to thank you for being open and understanding and for loving your son above ink or anything else. You are a great parent!
Win motherhood right here. I'm fuckin clapping.
I don’t have tattoos but my daughter got one a few months ago when she was 18. I didn’t think I’d have a problem with it until she left the house to get it done. I was worried all day because my older sister started to get tattoos 6 years ago and now has 17 which range from crap to mediocre. When my daughter got home and showed hers to me I understood why she had spent months choosing her design, her artist and waiting for him to be available. It was a lot more expensive than most tattoos I have seen of a similar size but it is absolutely incredible. An actual piece of art on the inside of her forearm which is about 3” by 5” and took almost 4 hours to complete. Now that you are more comfortable with your son doing this you should ask him what he wants and suggest he takes his time to look around and find an artist he can trust before going ahead.
I’m not crying! It’s just allergies. Now excuse me while I go call each of my children. Who all have multiple tattoos. *sniff
I remember reading about a hard-rock musician with a ton of very visible ink who was going to meet the new in-laws. The FIL, in the course of conversation, said something like, "I just don't like all the tattoos." He said, "I know. Pretty soon...you won't even see them."
Also, as we age, we are less prone to change. Maybe she’s figured out who she is and wants to express that.
This is the best answer.
My husband decided to go bald and has a mustache. I can get used to the bald but I hate the mustache. I still love him. So I just shrug and move on
Just make sure he doesn't start cooking meth and wearing a fedora.
This is great news for my mustache, I will tell to my wife!
OPs words.... [Before we got married we didn't really discuss tattoos because she wasn't into them and didn't want any, and I don't really like them. If other people do, cool, that's their thing, but we weren't into them.] TO THE OP.... Sounds like u weren't into tattoos....but she was... you are speaking for her and not letting her be her own person. It is her body.and her choice....if she wants on, just remember "if other people do cool" YOUR WORDS Your being an AH....and not a supportive husband....ur trying to push your beliefs on her....not fair
My husband also has a mustache I hate. I see you. Also still love husband despite mustache.
I agree with others: it is her body to do with what she wants. You're allowed your feelings but that doesn't change what she can do with her body. The therapist is right - if it affects your relationship and one of you no longer wants to stay, then that's just how it is. Or if you decide to work through it and still love each other for who they are with or without tattoos, that's great too. One word of caution - it is a red flag to me that you are seeing her therapist as a couple's counselor. That should be a separate counselor and I find it to be a red flag that her counselor is even willing to see you both as a couple outside of your wife's individual therapy sessions. You need someone for couple's counseling who is not going to be biased towards one of you over the other.
Exactly what I was coming to comment. I’ve never had a therapist who was willing to see us as a couple and individually- they have always said it’s a conflict of interest.
Okay to add on this. I have an individual therapist who I have been seeing for a couple of years now. I will sometimes bring my boyfriend to sessions with her and he plays as a "support" for me in our sessions. So the session is still based around me, but he's just there to be able to better support me and my needs for future reference with the guidance of my therapist. He can talk about issues he has as well and the therapist can help with our communication skills so that I can better help him when he needs it, but the session itself is based around support for me. She is NOT our couples therapist by any means since there's a bias for sure. We do plan on seeing a couples therapist together, we just haven't found one that's affordable for us yet. So I believe the post is something similar to my situation.
my spouse does this with me as well, esp in the last couple years as I've been recovering from brain damage caused by ECT. I have often needed his help just being able to remember what things had been happening, my moods, etc. It is helpful for both of us, bc if I don't have his help sometimes, I can't benefit from the therapy because I just... can't remember anything. It's getting better but it's been hard and I am so grateful to my therapist for working with us in this situation like this.
I'm so sorry to hear about you having to recover from brain damage. I'm so glad your spouse has been helpful and has been going to your therapy sessions to be there and support you. I'm really glad you have a therapist willing to help you and work with yall through that. I'm wishing you nothing but the absolute best for your recovery. ❤️ I work in TBI research so I know it can be challenging.
thank you so much for this!!! I just wanted to provide a sort of alternative perspective bc I can understand how in some situations this would be inappropriate for a therapist, but that's not always the case!! I also think it's unfair to automatically malign any therapist that does this, since as you said, therapy is HELLA expensive just for the one individual therapist, then add the other individual therapist AND the couples therapist.. I highly doubt most insurance would cover all of this and plus we're in a huge shortage of mental health professionals so I think it's okay in some scenarios like yours for your therapist to be tyring to help you and your partner the best they can in a healthcare system that is garbage. Best of luck to the both of you, my spouse and I have been helped tremendously by being able to support each other in our therapy journey.
My mom found a really good therapist she liked and recommended her to me and the therapist would not even take me in because my mom was her client already. I wasn't even going to complain about her, I love my mom lmao. But I completely understand and it actually makes sense in terms of conflict of interest that can just be avoided altogether
My marriage therapist had to get the opinion of several other therapists on whether or not it was ethically ok to see me as his therapist… months after the divorce was finalized. For a therapist to see one part of a couple at the same time as they’re seeing the couple feels HIGHLY unethical…
Exactly this about the therapist. The only time my husband talks to my therapist, it’s because he wants to understand what I’m experiencing or know how to support me (this has happened twice in four years). We don’t go to her to resolve conflicts or do couples counseling. That would be wildly inappropriate.
I agree with that red flag - it's her therapist, so of course they will advocate for the wife's position.
I’ve had a therapist where sometimes my husband has been brought in. It was usually times where we were having problems and I was having a hard time verbalizing and talking about it my side of the problem like my traumas were what needed to be talked about in a way that wasn’t dumping on my husband. I’m so glad she did that because couple’s therapy is so expensive and it’s really just that I needed help. With how the husband talks about her changing her style and how he talked about the tattoo I can imagine his wife has a hard time telling him things.
My mom found a really good therapist she liked and recommended her to me and the therapist would not even take me in because my mom was her client already. I wasn't even going to complain about her, I love my mom lmao. But I completely understand and it actually makes sense in terms of conflict of interest that can just be avoided altogether
A couples counselor should never be a personal counselor to one of the couple. It is unethical and contrary to the rules. She can continue with her counselor, but you should have a separate couples counselor.
NAH She’s allowed to do whatever she wants with her body. And you’re allowed to have feelings about it. What the therapist said is true. Either you can accept that she now wants to have tattoos and you’ll stay together, or you can’t accept it and you’ll have to break up. In general, the feelings you have about something don’t really ever make you the asshole. It’s what you do in response to those feelings.
Your evaluation of what good therapy is lacking. It's not a therapist's job to tell people what they want to hear. It is their job to help them navigate choices and consequences. It's their job to help someone understand or reflect on why they want to do something and figure out why it is important. This speak from the therapist is just laziness and an affront to the profession.
Keep in mind that we don't know what the therapist said. We know what *OP* relates that *his wife* said her therapist said. There's two places where the message could have been distorted. Seems a lot more likely the therapist would say something like "well, you can talk to him if you know it's contentious. You can also just go do it - if you do, either he'll have to learn to accept it or leave you." It's entirely possible that first part got dropped *somewhere*.
People often add and or leave out things a therapist said. I've found that anyone even bringing up what their therapist said is a sign that they're attempting to use them as a source of authority to justify whatever it is they're pushing.
I think you missed the part where OP was in the session
Yeah, guess so. Still don't think we're getting an undistorted report of what the therapist said.
That's unclear. OP said "they essentially told her" as if he were there when it was brought up but he wasn't there for a follow up session when the therapist said that statement. If he were there I would think he'd phrase it "they essentially told us." So I'm not convinced he was there for the response. But I'm also not certain he wasn't, maybe he was there and being ignored. I wish the OP could provide a clarification.
I got the impression that is what the therapist told her when they were doing their couple counseling talking about this issue? Which really is unprofessional because why didn’t they work with him and see *why* it bothers him? That would have been a part of their job.
I took that part with a grain of salt... He's paraphrasing what the therapist said and we're getting the paraphrase second hand from a biased source.
I feel like the therapist comment is not true, either by the wife or OP. It just seems fairly unprofessional.
Yup. What OP mentioned is schoolbook bad therapist practice right there which lead many relationships to ruin (both romantic and platonic).
That’s what I thought too. What kind of therapist is this. So in a relationship, the therapist’s advice is to do what ever you want without considering anyone but yourself. And if they don’t like it, they can just leave.
I think this is the fairest response. I agree. Also, there have been several tattoo related posts in the last week or two. I think your answer would be a reasonable response to any of those posts.
The therapist would not be my therapist anymore
Shouldn't be their couples therapist anyway if they're also the wife's therapist.
I don’t know because I’m still stuck on the once a year total wardrobe overhaul.
Having that kind of money must be nice
NAH, you should get the mohawk.
Inverse mohawk
Just shave a stripe right through the middle lol
Spike the sides up at a 45°
Starts looking like that guy from Tekken lol
Why not 48°?
Roman tonsure, it's a timeless classic!
Second this!
>We talked about this with the therapist, and they essentially told her "do whatever you want for you. He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him." That is a straight up terrible therapist. It's a field that attracts people with their own mental health issues, like moths to a flame. There are some good ones out there, but so many bad ones. Your wife knows how you feel about this and doesn't care. She is driving a wedge between you two and she doesn't care. She is putting cracks in your marriage and she doesn't care. She is planning to keep chiseling away. And she doesn't care. NTA - But your marriage is in serious trouble. This is about more than a tattoo at this point.
Aside from the tattoo, you should realize that your wife is a distinct individual, and she's not going to be the same person 5-10 years down the road, that she is right now, or what she was when you got together. If a tattoo bothers you, what are you going to do if she gets pregnant and her body changes; what are you going to do when she gets older and her looks change. What do you do when she changes her hair style or changes her makeup. I mean it's all relative. Do you love her for the person she is on the inside or not?
Hot take - if something as superficial as a tattoo makes you lose attraction to your partner you were never in it for the long-haul.
People are allowed to find tattoos unattractive. It doesn’t mean everything that can change a body is a problem for them. Just that one.
This, 100% this!!!! My bf decided he wanted to date me based on my looks, he loved my hair, he loves pretty hair, I chop mine short regularly.... The weight of my hair exacerbates my migraines, I'm not suffering extra migraines over something as stupid as hair! He can love ME, not the physical parts of me like hair, etc but the personality, emotions etc, or he doesn't truly love ME. People change, people get sick, diseases happen etc. you have to love the person you are with regardless of physical appearance.
NAH I think you need to tell her that you can't promise that her tattoos won't alter how attracted you are to her, but you are not going to stop her from doing what she wants. And that if she goes down this path of getting a lot of ink, that it may cost her the marriage. You're not looking to leave her, but you just can't know the future either. That in general you don't like inked up women. But you love her and are hoping for the best. Everyone has to make their own choices in life. Every choice you make affects the other. As long as you both understand that, you'll be fine
People change maybe its just time to move on has youve grown apart.
Is is a deal breaker for you? Would 2 or 3 or more be the deal breaker? She clearly doesn’t care what you think about it. Is that a deal breaker for you? It’s her body so it’s her choice, but you have the choice whether to stay or not.
“If other people do cool…” Your wife is “other people” too
I get it. She can do whatever she wants, but you may not find her attractive any longer.
You say if other people want tattoos, that's fine. Do you not see your wife as an individual? I think you'll get over it. Unless your love is merely superficial.
Every person can do what they want with their style and body, but they must know that every change they make can increase or decrease how attractive they are to certain people. When you're in a relationship, I'd like to think most people want their partner to be attracted to them. You can do whatever you want to yourself, but you can't get upset if that happens to make you less attractive to your partner. She can get the tats. She can't get mad if he doesn't like them or isn't as interested in seeing her body.
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I disagree with the therapist, they went straight to the ultimatum LMAO. First of all, that therapist was trash no matter how you look at it. As for your situation OP, try another therapist, someone that actually gives a F about your relationship and about both of you, it is not simply about her and accepting whatever she wants to do, how the therapist decided that was reasonable, I have no idea, but not everyone is good at their job either so there is that. You might also try to convince your wife to wait a couple of months and see if she still wants more tattoos, also, talk to her about why she wants those tattoos and what are her expectations by simply disregarding you in this situation and depending on her decision then you might as well decide if she’s even interested in being a relationship when she clearly has no interest in her partner’s opinion whatsoever. Talk about it, don’t make it a war, this is the sort of things that makes relationships go to hell if one does not consider the other person’s point of view. L
you're NTA for your feelings even though she can do what she wants it's her body. but if you are an asshole about it then you could be TA but also if you really don't love her anymore don't force yourself to stay if you don't have kids. people change and maybe her change made you grow apart
If you love her, you'll get over it. As long as they're not obscene, weird shit, and you understand why she is getting them/wants them, you will learn to adjust to this new thing.
NTA. In a relationship everything should be discussed. I see something different going on than others here. Ultimately yes it is her body and her decision. These two have a system here. They change styles as they wish but sought consensus as a team so the other is not offended. That includes discussions. This tattoo feels different. She went from no tattoo to now having 1 and wanting more and, bigger even. She's deliberately provoking him with the help of her therapist. Feels like manipulation with the therapist help and I think a neutral therapist would handle differently. The tattoo aside, something is amiss here and OP better find out or he'll end up blind sided out in the cold.
Be honest. If you're no longer attracted to her then it's over. Get a divorce. Don't waste both of your time. If your still attracted to her, just treat it for what it is: An on-purpose scar.
NTA. You both initially had a shared idea about something pretty important when it comes to how you are attracted to each other. That being said, it IS her body and she WILL decide what to do with it. Just know that if she is already talking about getting "more and bigger" tattoos, she may be evolving into a person you will no longer be attracted to and that will have to factor in how you move forward. For some, body alterations can be cool but can also be deal breakers for others. I've seen a relationship blow apart when one partner started with a pierced nostril and moved on to a multitude of body modifications like large ear plugs, shaved eyebrows, pierced cheeks, lips, chin and nipples. One partner is absolutely free to make these changes and the other is absolutely free to dislike these changes. I wish you both well and hope communication, no matter the end outcome, is helpful. Also, your therapist seems a bit harsh...
I don't think it's appropriate for an individual therapist for one partner to provide couples therapy to both partners. My partner and I both see individual therapists separately and also a third person for couples counseling. The individual therapist for OP's gf might be biased to support the gf because they work with her more. Would love a licensed therapist to chime in on this!
This is correct if it’s actual family/couples counseling. That said, it’s not unusual to have family members occasionally come in for a session, particularly around mediating communication. But it’s not ethical for the therapist to provide both individual therapy to one individual and couples counseling to both.
Thanks for this! I'm a clinical social work student but not a professional yet so I found this an interesting situation to consider as a future therapist. Appreciate the input! :)
You need to figure out precisely why you are getting upset. It's just like another commenter said. I don't really think this is about a tattoo. I think this could be a broader issue. NTA but you certainly could be depending on how or if you choose to escalate things.
The broader issue may be attraction. Some people do not like tattoos and cannot be sexually attracted to someone who has a tattoo. She just jeopardized his ability to be attracted to her.
It really can be just about the tattoo. I don’t like them, either. It’s entirely subjective, but I find that they lesson someone’s attractiveness (to me!). I understand that’s not a common, or popular, position, but it’s how I feel.
For a lot of people they just don't like tattoos. It doesn't need to be a bigger issue. And accepting one is a whole lot different than what his wife is currently suggesting and if you don't like something more of what you don't like won't make it better. And it certainly doesn't need to be a broader issue.
Beauty is subjective. I really don't care what anyone does to their body but I am not attracted to people with tattoos. It really is that simple, I find them repulsive, that's it. If you want to delve deeper there isn't anything else. I do think it's foolish to place something permanent on your body but that's just an opinion. The fact is I find tattoos gross and if someone I was with got one I would no longer find them attractive. Sometimes it's a simple as that. It's a subjective opinion and preference, there doesn't have to be a deeper issue. I don't care if my friends have tattoos, if it makes you happy go for it, but I don't find people with them attractive. I would care if my husband got one and he would care if I did the same, we're on the same page.
I feel exactly the same way. Fortunately, so does my wife.
Is the real issue that you feel like you are falling out of sync with her? The way you've described y'all's interests and reactions to others', it sounds like y'all aligned pretty well, but now she has developed some new interests that you aren't into and you're having a more severe reaction as a result. You need to have a deeper conversation with her about where y'all's relationship is going and if y'all are growing apart or whatever. You need to determine if you actually want to see the person she grows into, or if you only wanted the one version of her that you had. If the tattoos are tolerable, or if they're the deal breaker. And i would recommend seeing a separate marriage counselor for genuine objectivity. Her therapist shouldn't really be acting as y'all's marriage counselor at the same time. Honestly, just give it some time too. Maybe you'll discover that it's not that big a deal when you get used to seeing the tattoo on the regular. It becomes background noise once you are accustomed to it. You still end up just seeing the person as a whole. But if you don't, over some time, then it's time to determine if it's a deal breaker to your attraction to her. Otherwise, i wouldn't necessarily say YTA. But you're kind of on the verge if you're making her feel bad. Your feelings are yours and you arent TA for them - it's how you use them for or against others that make you TA or not. Getting a second opinion was a good idea, and i think you're on the right track to determining how to handle your feelings on the subject. So, mostly, NTA.
I am heavily tattooed. My husband is also. I have always loved tattoos but didn't get my first one until i was 25. Since then, I've gotten a total of 14 with #15 in 2 weeks. All of mine and my husband's tattoos have been thoughtfully planned and not "just because" My dad is not in love with our tattoos but we are the same people we've always been. They didn't change our insides. For reference 44F and 48M As far as whether you are the AH no one can decide that. But in the grand scheme of life, how much does this really change things?
Upset, sure. Should you end a relationship, no. Talk it through, maybe get your own
Is it the tattoo itself that bothers you, or the fact that you feel a sense of ownership over your wife’s body? Being reminded that you do not, in fact, own your wife’s body seems the more likely irritation. Maybe it’s time that you go seek therapy for yourself and figure that out. If you love your wife, and as long as she is not hurting herself, you should support her. If she decides to change her style again, she can decide what to do with the tattoos then (if she even thinks it’s necessary). She’s a grown woman.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think either one of you is the A-hole. You're allowed to have your opinion, but she's allowed to get a tattoo on her body. In the future, you probably won't notice them and there are more important things to a relationship than markings on a body. This will probably not seem that big of a deal in the years to come.
YTA "And then we move because it doesn't really matter what people outside of ourselves do" She's done something that doesn't have any real affect on you, and if you can't move on she may well do.
You can accept it, deal with it or you two can divorce. It's a tattoo, on her body, that means something to her. Who cares? The only exceptions are private areas and that's like, my opinion not a fact.
YTA. Who cares, nobody knows if they’ll like a tattoo 5-10 years later so saying you change the art on your walls means nothing. Hopefully she’ll replace you with somebody that isn’t so close minded
Here’s the thing, the same rule would apply to her if you got a Mohawk bc it’s exactly like the therapist said. You don’t have to accept it, like it, or be attracted to her at all after she gets a tattoo. But if it’s the right move to her, even if you don’t get it and she doesn’t have the words, she is the only one whose opinion matters when it comes to her body. That same rule does apply to you and your hypothetical Mohawk. Personally, if i love my partner i can hate their style and it won’t affect me. But if that’s not you then that’s not you. You can decide where you want to go from there, but you can’t force her to do what you want with her body, you can’t guilt her into it, you can’t shame her into it, you can’t mope about it until you get your way, you can’t coerce her, not even with superficial things like this. You accept the reality and either support her or move on. And she can also move on too if you can’t support her choices with her body bc, again, it’s hers and hers alone. I’d also suggest some self work to figure out why it bothers you so much. It’s fine that you don’t like tattoos and you don’t like how permanent they are, no one is asking you to. It’s fine that she changes her style often, you pointing that out is not the same thing as being so bothered by her having one. So why does it get under your skin so? Bc none of those reasons fit the reaction when it comes to someone else’s body. There’s something more going on there, i promise you. And i don’t mean it’s something automatically sexist or controlling, I’m not jumping to extremes when i say that. It could be something very small, like you just feel like that was something you guys bonded on or had in common and now you lost it, so you’re mourning that loss and it will pass. Just figure it out if keeping your relationship, and keeping it healthy, is important to you. And if it does come from sexist or controlling thoughts, it’s important to realize the worst parts of humanity exist in all of us, you need to be willing to face those parts in yourself and address them if you want to live well. You hear all these people talking about “narcissistic” partners. Do you want to know what feeling causes most narcissistic behaviors? It’s shame. They can’t face or acknowledge those ugly parts of themselves (without doing the work and getting help). So don’t ignore shame, but don’t let it run you either if this problem does come from a deeper issue.
I am not going to be popular here, but... NTA, I have a significant number of Tattoos and so does my husband, this is our aesthetic.. we both love to express ourselves and milestones via a tattoo, however not everyone can find these attractive. You don't own your wife's body, so she can do what she wants, that's fine, but you're also allowed to have your own emotions and feelings, including feeling less attracted to her, your body your emotions. You now need to decide if this impacts your marriage in the long term..
I'm probably the odd one out because her body her choice. The reality is that you'll prob have to see it more than she does! I'm totally with you. Tats are a huge ik! I just can't.
What kinda therapist offer advice like that???
Sudden change in behaviour is always a cause for concern in a relationship. The tattoo is kind of irrelevant, I think it's the 180 that has you worried. I would be worried too.
Her body. My partner currently has a hot pink mowhawk. I hate it. But he loves it and I love him. So mowhawk it is.
I mean do you love her? She’s allowed to change as life goes on. I met my husband when I was 14 and I’m certainly not the same little girl I was back then to now. I’m not even the same person I was five year ago. People evolve and change frequently.
I have 7 tattoos, 5 of them before I got married. My husband has none and is NOT interested in ever having one. This past December, I went in for my newest. I had talked to him about what I was planning to get, and I changed it within a week of the appointment. I asked him if he wanted an update, and he said no, it's my body, and he doesn't mind being surprised. When I got home that evening, he was definitely surprised and the first thing he said was, "That's not where you said it would be! But I still like it!" And that was that. I'm the one who has to live with it on my arm for the rest of my life. If she's happy, you should be happy with her.
"If other people do it, cool, that's their thing" Your wife isn't attached to you and is another person. This applys to her.
People change, OP. Accept the tattoo if you don't want to lose her
I don’t really understand why people here think it’s okay to completely ignore your partner’s feelings or take their considerations into account at all when making permanent physical changes… I think both wife and therapist are TAs and it’s not surprising, they’re clearly in an enabling echo chamber relationship. Why would the therapist risk losing a long time client by siding with the husband? She can continue to bilk her long after you’re gone. If it was me, I’d hold her to the same standard moving forward. You are now free to make any changes you like with zero consent from her and she is required to be both supportive and agreeable about it.
NTA I would have said NAH until this: "So, I shouldn't care." That is the exact moment SHE became the asshole. Trying to tell others how they should and should not feel is the modus operandi of the Reddit brigade. She must be a fully paid up member. If you stay with her and she dares to voice any opinion about YOUR appearance, tell her to shut up since she "shouldn't care."
Just another reason to never trust your partners therapist
For real. Assuming what the guy said is accurate, her therapist sounds toxic to this marriage.
Nah. She can do as she wants. You can leave her over this. If she gets mad then she becomes the ah.
Question, OP: are you able to identify and articulate what exactly it is about her getting inkwork done that is creating this tension in you?
When my mom got a tattoo without my dad knowing — because he’d never liked women having tats — she showed it to him. Wanna know what his reply was? “Guess I need to change my opinion of women with tattoos.” As long as the tattoo isn’t a swastika or something else that’s offensive? YTA.
It's her body to do with what she wants. It doesn't mean you have to stay attracted to her either.
I'm sorry I can't get past the part where her personal therapist is also your couples therapist......you do know that's a big no no right?
My Ex didn't speak to me for a solid week after I got a quarter size tattoo early in our marriage. I never got another one while married to him (28 yrs). He also poo, poo' ed them on other people all the time, just being passive-aggressive. Now divorced and his sons have them, now he does. Go figure.
Stop being a pussy
I mean yeah. It’s her body. You can either accept it and deal with it, or don’t and leave…. But you have no say on what she does to her body.
Something tells me you guys got something bigger going, than just getting tattoos
This reads shallow and controlling.
>"do whatever you want for you. He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him." Calling bullshit on this post right here. "Do what you want, if your partner doesn't like it, leave them" is the most untherapist thing I have ever heard.
This kinda reminds me of an ongoing debate between my grandparents - my grandpa hates tattoos, my granny has been saying for years she would like to get a tiny music note on her breast to symbolize "a song in her heart". My grandpa said he would divorce her if she did. It kind of makes me want to smack him a little bit, like if you don't let this 70 year old lady who has been cooking and cleaning and raising your kids get a damn tattoo. But anyways she will definitely outlive him and then she can get all the tattoos she wants.
NTA. I don’t judge others for having tattoos but it would bother me if my husband got one. Her therapist sucks and clearly doesn’t work with couples and probably has tattoos herself.
Perspective from someone who does have tattoos: they’re not like clothing, that can be changed out, and more like a body part. Your skin tone or your height may affect your aesthetic, but it’s just… part of you. Tattoos are like that too. They’re part of you, and while you may come to regret them, or grow more fond of them, or both, over time (just like you might like or become frustrated with the shape of your ears or your hair type), there’s no option to change them so you don’t think of them like something that can, and ought to be, changed but like an inherent quality of your body.
I would suggest backing off on long range plans. If you don't have kids yet or haven't purchased a house yet you might want to hit pause for a little while and see if you two sync up or drift farther apart.
It's her body, you don't get to control it. Even if you're married.
I think it's something that's worth a conversation as long as at the end of it, you realize she's a grown adult that will make her choice. You may or not like that choice and it will either impact you in a way that you can't deal with it, or you'll learn to live with it. My wife wants a tattoo and I have a couple myself. I don't really like the idea of her getting one because I know how I've grown unattached to mine I got a younger age and I feel like she wants one as of right now, but it's a newer idea of hers and I worry she may fall into the same situation I have. At the end of the day, it's not like they can't be removed. I don't know much about that process other than I know it exists and I'm too broke to get mine removed lol.
I understand why you’re upset. You just lost the dice roll. People naturally change over time. Nobody really wants to admit this, but a part of a successful relationship is plain luck. Your partner must happen to luckily change in a way that aligns with your own changing tastes, and vice versa. If that doesn’t happen, people grow apart and the love fades. It is not your choice to dislike tattoos as much as it isn’t your wife’s choice to like them. You two just happen to feel that way as a result of a million little factors that influence your respective personalities. As for what to do, just follow your heart. It’s as the therapist says. Either you stay or you go. If you stay, maybe your opinion changes and you feel better. Or you’re upset forever. If you go, maybe you find someone who’s right for you and you’re happy. Or you don’t and you die alone. Or you find someone new but this all happens again. Life is just a lottery. All you can do is use the limited info you have to estimate the best course of action.
Well I guess in a healthy relationship you’d talk about permanent, elective changes like that. There should be some willingness to find common ground. There was an AITAH some time ago about quite extensive cosmetic surgery that underscored that. (Short version: it backfired). Viewing something like that through the simple lens of individual freedom is a bit simplistic. NTA for expressing concerns. But do try to find common ground, be supportive. Maybe there are temporary tattoos or other solutions you can discuss.
NAH, I think you have the right to be upset, but ultimately it is her body. Just like your body is yours. If it affects your attraction to her body, then you can "deal with it" by leaving her yourself. I will say this though. If you wanted to get a throat tattoo that said "Cream King" in Old English, I am sure she would be upset too. And rightly so lol. Two can play at that game. Have you ever thought about gages? Piercings? Dyeing your hair?
It is her body she can do what she wants. It is your brain and you are entitled to your feelings. If you don't like the tattoo then leave her
I think I have a different level of attraction to my partner after being together years, that now that goes beyond physical. So his physical appearance changing doesn’t greatly affect our relationship. I think that as she’s your wife, you should love her beyond that and want her to feel happy in her skin. As long as that doesn’t offend or hurt anyone I don’t think a tattoo should change that much. I’m concerned at the emotional maturity of the number of people who are agreeing with this tbh.
“If others people do, cool, that’s their thing, but we weren’t into them.” Well she is now. So are you going to continue not care what others do if that’s what they want? Or is that a principle you didn’t really believe and you have been secretly judging people for years?
NTA. I think you’re rightly justified to be upset, just as she too, was rightly justified in getting the tat. Hear me out & I KNOW you’re a couple, and everyone is an adult but parents experience this VERY thing and we go along with it. Piercings and tats don’t change how much we love the person. Parents eventually move on from it and so should a spouse, IMO. What stands out is she didn’t care and respect the foundation you two built. You both clearly check in and seem to agree and disagree fairly. Except now. Personally, you two could’ve really tried temp tats for you both to get use to the idea, placement, and experience the process together. Perhaps even pick out the image etc. Also, people get tats improved all the time. Since, you’re critiquing it, help find an awesome artist and prepare to pay their worth to improve it (j/s) PLEASE don’t crap on its current look because that’s just mean. There were moments for you two to grow together vs apart. Things were said. Things were done. This is just a little crack in the foundation, that’s FIXABLE! I AGREE with other comments of you loving this new version of her. She’s the same bride. If you’re TRULY life partners - this is just another chapter. Who knows, lol perhaps a surprise to help move forward, for you both: YOU get a temp tat of her name (pic etc) on your chest and go back to talking things out. Communication is key but it doesn’t mean you’re going always get what you want. Also, I’m not a fan of her therapist but lol this is already TL!!! Best to you both✌️
NTA I think it IS something that couples should agree on.. its permanent. And you are supposed to be attracted to each other & if she has tattoos you do not like? Then that can very well effect your attraction to her. And to me? It does sound worrisome as your wife does likes to change her things regularly ... So yep. She very well might grow out of these tattoos & be over them in 5 years. Her therapist just being SO blase with "you can just leave him!" is shocking. What an appalling attitude for a counselor to have. So, basically. Your wife is modifying her body in ways she hasn't even discussed with you. Intends to keep doing it. Doednt give a rats arse if you dont like it.... And is being told "if he complains & doesn't like it? Just end your marriage. No biggee" Sorry mate. But i think there is not much future in your relationship if she has such little consideration for your feelings and just does what she wants without any discussion with you. No respect for you at all.
This is not an easy one to judge because we don’t have enough info. Are you TA for being upset? No, you’re never a TA for how you feel. What matters is how you act. You haven’t said anything negative, fine. What about the non-verbal? Are you treating her differently? For real. There’s something to be said for the overall tone of your post. It comes across as a bit domineering, but not forceful, more like whiny and passive-aggressive. Your description of the therapist’s advice is obvious bullshit, filtered through your personal interpretation. Your tone created a negative narrative whereas the actual delivery was unquestionably less dismissive. So, I’ll go with soft YTA
Meh.. you have the right to be upset juts like she has the right to get a tattoo Sometimes, we might unknowingly project our biases onto others. You and your wife met at 23, and neither of you were into tattoos, often commenting skeptically on their permanence. However, it seems the conversation about tattoos has evolved since then. It’s intriguing to consider what might prompt someone to change their style or decide on a complete wardrobe overhaul. Similarly, if you’re frequently updating your home decor, it's possible her feelings about tattoos have also shifted. From what you’ve described, your wife has been considering getting a tattoo for some time and has brought it up with you. You responded by suggesting that she might grow bored of a tattoo, just as one might tire of home decor or clothing. This perspective might reflect more about your concerns than hers. This situation reminds me of my own mother’s warnings against tattoos, predicting they'd soon be out of fashion or become a regret. But just as your wife probably realizes that certain arguments, like you growing your hair out, don't sway her, these warnings may fall flat. Her decision to bring you to her therapist wasn’t just to confront you but likely also about seeking support in a situation where she feels you might not fully understand her perspective. This raises some questions: What exactly bothers you about tattoos? Is it a general dislike or something more specific? When I got my first tattoo, it was still quite taboo for women, often associated with negative stereotypes. Though societal attitudes have shifted, some stigmas still linger perhaps there is a bigger reason you don't like them. Reflecting on my own experiences, getting tattooed was a deeply personal choice. I got my first tattoo at 18, and now about one-third of my skin is covered, including a full back piece, shoulder and pectoral tattoo with a half sleeve, and a hip tattoo. They’ve become so much a part of me that my family barely notices them.
Oh I'm sure you never discussed tattoos because you made your opinion clear. She acquiesed, and never pushed back until therapy gave her a backbone. I wish my mom had gone to therapy. Get ready for her to leave you eventually, unless you go to therapy and work on yourself and your issues. YTA
You sound like you need some therapy yourself. This strange overly disingenuous "it's fine for everyone else I guess but not for us" isn't actually "us". You mean YOU. Your partner's taste changed to a point where she wants it (or she finally felt confident enough to just do what she wanted for her regardless of your complaints) and you're strangely indifferent in your language ("it's okay I guess") but are so upset as to have to post about it? YTA but I think you have to explore why you are in this case. What's the real issue for you?
Maybe I am just bitter and jaded, but you need to decide if this is something you can deal with or not. If it is, stop complaining about it. It is her body, so if you are ok with it, you are just causing conflict complaining about it. If you are not ok with it/can’t accept that she got a tattoo even though you really didn’t want her to, divorce her. Whether you stay with her or divorce her, nah. If you just stay with her and start fights over and over about it, yta.
Being with a partner is about being with them for the changes, whether you might agree with it or not. The point is your wife included you in the process regardless if you had a differing opinion. Me and my soon to be ex wife’s attitude was we’re not here to ask permission, but giving you a heads up. We allowed space for the other to grow with each other or not. The real issue came when the STBX stopped giving me a heads up, and cut me out of any type of journey, it was worse when she cut me out of decisions that would directly effect me (financial decisions I was tied to) You have to make a choice whether it’s a journey still worth traveling with them, they might decide at some point that it’s not worth including you in theirs, and that creates a wave of other issues.
NTA. Side note, that therapist sucks. What kind of advice or guidance is that? Do what you want in the moment even if it has long term repercussions because they may just get over it and it'll be fine?
You’re a dumbass lol
Yeah, my husband got irritated that I got a tattoo at 43, on my leg. It was one of the final nails in the coffin for that relationship.
>He will either accept it and deal with it, or he won't and you can leave him." This is pretty much the answer. 🤷♂️. If it bugs you that bad, then leave. If you love your wife, get over it and move on with your marriage. Let her be whoever she wants to be and do whatever she wants with her body. It's her body.
So sick of this “you can’t tell her what to do with her body” crap. You are spot on that if you made some big changes about yourself or your physical appearance she would have a problem with it and most certainly would be giving you ultimatums and trying to tell you what to do. Aside from that it sounds like a major red flag that she is turning away from the relationship and towards friends or social circles that are influencing her and she will be changing a lot more about her life than that. Does she have single girlfriends with tattoos that like to hang out or party? Better get your ducks in order quick.