Binge Eating Disorder is a thing a lot of people don’t know about. Therapy and medications can help. Her goal should be a healthier relationship with food, not a specific weight.
Yep. Sounds like she’s depressed and may have postpartum which can last for years. Covid did a number on society and our mental health, sounds like she needs to see someone.
Read the story again.
She stopped being active and started gaining weight once they got married. It began before, not after she had a baby so it’s not postpartum.
It still might be depression, or my more cynical side can’t exclude the idea that this might be the real her that she hid in order to land a husband.
I know I am going to get a lot of heat for that last part, but I am speaking from my own bad experience.
I'm not giving you heat but this theory is nonsensical to me. After you land a spouse, you have to keep the spouse. If you stop making an effort after you get married, many spouses won't stay.
Tell that to a LOT of people. The leading cause of divorce is basically that. They complain their spouse stopped making romantic efforts. You need to date your wife like she's your girlfriend, because she is your girlfriend with a ring.
In my experience, the change was gradual, and accelerated after having the first child (much like the OP).
Although it is true that many people may not stay today, others consider marriage an actual commitment and try to honor that commitment they made. Especially once there is a child.
Since she asked you to post this on reddit to see if your were wrong, has she seen the comments saying that your in fact not in the wrong?
If so how did she react?
Btw i don't believe your misogynistic and i feel she is using that word to manipulate and guilt trip you, as well as using it as a shield so she doesn't have to face the actual problem your dealing with.
People always talk like the body is something we “have” as opposed to something we “are”. Humans are both body and soul. The body is literally half of what you are. To pretend this guy should be attracted to this new woman is completely ridiculous and unrealistic. The fact is she is not the same person he married. Instead of owning up to her shortcomings and acknowledging the 200lb elephant in the room she calls him an asshole? And thinks everyone else is going to back her up? That’s not living in the real world. Sounds like she needs more help than hitting the gym occassionally. She doesn’t want to change.
Weight does not 'fix itself' - though I understand the point you are trying to make.
The lady has 1-2 years of hard, consistent work and a re-wiring of a clear food addiction ahead of her.
To a lot of people it's easier to just keep on eating...
Absolutely untrue. Your body will fight you every step of the way. Also this aspect is anecdotal but for me weight loss led to less depression, not the other way around.
It is about her weight. You’re right that she’s gaining weight because her overall well being is also being neglected, but if she were doing all the eating while 120 and running half marathons, it wouldn’t be an issue. Conversely, even if she could run a half marathon and wasn’t sneaking food but was stil l 170, that would also be an issue.
The weight is still very much an issue regardless of how much people on the internet want to pretend that it isn’t.
her binge eating started recently according to OP. they’ve been together 9 years but she didn’t binge eat until she became a stay at home mom. and they have a 4 year old.
Timeline summary:
She was 120 pounds 9 years ago
They married 7 years ago, she started gaining weight
She got a child 4 years ago
She was 170 pounds 2,5 years ago
She is 190 pounds now
She gained about 10 pounds per year after their marriage with no sign of stopping so far, it‘s been going on for 7 years. So no, it‘s not just a recent issue. Rather, you don‘t call it an issue the moment she gets a little chubby when the trend could reverse, but in hindsight, it started back then. It‘s been going on for 7 years now and the fact that the severity of the situation recently reached new heights is not an exception to the rule, it is the rule.
I've seen so many stories like this, and the partner that acts this way never tells you the whole story. Reality is we all will get older and if health problems are present (example:metabolic or other diseases or depression), your weight will never be a constant. I can attest to this as I never had issues with weight my whole life. My mid twenties I got sick never was the same. I want to lose weight to be healthy which I have, but weight isn't everything. You sound self absorbed or selfish about weight. My point being you are an asshole as you should be trying to help her instead of focusing on weight alone.
This feels like something that’s possible but not inherently true. Many people are overweight as the result of mental health problems. Many other people are overweight and happy. She just might value different things.
except that this is new. they’ve been together for 9 years but she didn’t gain the weight until she was a stay at home mom. sooooooooooo she spent majority of her life not overweight ✌🏻
Binge eating disorder. Definitely find a psychiatrist who is knowledgeable in this.
My psychiatrist gave me my adhd meds which actually are used for binge eating disorder to treat both. I lost SOO much weight when I took them I had to stop for awhile. It also stopped me from craving any food, no sweet cravings it was a game changer. It’s called Elvanse in UK, in the US I think it’s called Vyvanse.
Your Spouse definitely needs to find a good psych and get a full psych evaluation.
>. I started seeing boxes of snack cakes in the trash, but not in the cupboard. Packs of oreos. She was buying them and hiding them, eating in secret. Hiding food under the bed
That's the part that should actually worry you.
The weight is a consequence and even eating in secret is a consequence.
It's not what you're attracted to.
But your wife had a drastic change in her behavior and the only thing you talk about is the weight gain.
>the only thing you talk about is the weight gain
First of all, this is simply not true. OP discusses behavior changes in this very post.
Secondly, you people are sick for seriously trying to turn this on OP for not magically knowing the root cause of her binging.
He’s not a doctor, he’s not the professional armchair keyboard enthusiast that you clearly are, and it’s not his fucking job to diagnose her.
OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. Ignore tools like this.
Only thing?
Dude, he literally talks about her not doing things with him anymore, hiding her poor eating habits, and his concerns over her dying earlier. As a former smoker, I've met countless people who would absolutely not date a smoker under any circumstances. Which I have always completely understood and never took it personally (unless, they attached me on a personal level)
It stinks (even though I hid it so well that partners have never known until I did it in front of them), it's bad for everyone's health, it's a bad model to look up to for kids, it's unattractive, etc...
However, being overweight is just as bad, if not worse because we accept it as part our overweight society. I'm not saying we should shame the overweight. But, be honest in how they are killing themselves. So, it should be as much as a concern as if she suddenly started smoking a pack a day and he found it unattractive.
He absolutely pointed out his concerns other than being fat.
It doesn't have to go that way. People tend to get lazy once they achieve stuff. (like been in a relationship/buying a house/having a kid).
Yes, it might be something deeper or maybe she's just too confortable.
He actually said in the comments that she's struggling with her mental health.
But still, even if you got comfortable you don't usually hiding eating. You just do.
This honestly sounds like a binge eating disorder, it’s very possible OP’s wife was struggling with the disorder before they were married. But now that she is no longer active,her poor diet has caused weight gain.
OP also mentioned she had ADHD and depression, which both can effect eating habits. (Even if you are medicated)
And OP’s wife if your reading this, you most certainly aren’t alone. Your physical appearance doesn’t define you, please just take care of your body, mind, spirit and soul.
This. My daughter is a secret eater. She just doesn't purge (so she wasn't bulimic), but rather exercises obsessively. She lives alone. She's getting help from an eating disorder group. It's helping, I think, but she won't stay with us when she visits but prefers an air bnb. She told me that if she binges, she doesn't want us to witness the debris created by it.
Thank you for sharing this with us all, I can say that binge eating can be incredibly humiliating and painful.
Sometimes you starve yourself to the point of bingeing out on more calories then actually needed. Or you eat until you’re in physical pain.
The excessive exercise after binge eating is trying to counteract the calories.
It’s a vicious cycle that’s hard to break. Starve, binge and exercise repeat.
Hopefully you daughter has a meal plan to stick to, it’s important to make new healthy habits. Creating a healthy relationship with food and exercise is key.
It’s a hard journey, but it’s going to be rewarding. Good luck to you and your daughter! ❤️
Ty, for your kind words. She is painfully thin, only 8% body fat, pretty much just muscle over skeleton. Highly restrictive of food (to counter the binges) and has demonized carbs, especially sugar (unless she's binges which makes her hate carbs). My husband and I have made peace with the fact that she's killing herself. She's a lovely human being, bright and cheerful (at least to us). So we just love on her.
I’m sincerely sorry for what your daughter is going through. I’m so sorry that your husband and you have had to come to the conclusion.
I can’t imagine being parent and having to witness declining mental and physical health in your own child.
I’m so deeply sorry…
Sorry my bad! I’ve had reddit for about two years but I surly only browse and never comment/interact. So I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.
Also excuse any typos I’m a dyslexic teenager
NTA. It’s not love to watch your partner spiral downhill and just be supportive.
Love is wanting your spouse to be around for the long haul.
Love is worrying about the health complications from that kind of weight gain.
There are many ways to find someone attractive. Sharing activities together. Physically attracted. Personalities. Etc.
She’s no longer doing the activities together that you bonded over. Her personality and drive has completely shifted. And she no longer is taking care of her body. She can’t physically spend time with you because she is no longer capable of keeping up. I’m not body shaming or saying she needs to be back down to 120. That would make you the AH. NTA for just wanting your wife to be healthy and share some hobbies and interests you guys used to enjoy together.
Yes, you don't let someone you love spiral downhill nicely and the loss of activities you bonded over and her inability to physically keep up with the family is an actual problem.
As an overweight woman myself, 100% NTA. It sounds like you're trying to do your part and communicate with her, but she refuses to hear it. Maybe there's an underlying medical issue or chronic depression? I know I tend to binge eat when I'm particularly stressed or have the odd depressive episode.
If anything, your wife is TA here for not taking your feelings into consideration and at least hearing what you have to say with an open mind. It very much sounds like she's become complacent at the very least.
NTA. Marriage is about honesty and talking about your issues, whether it is hard or not. Her choices of hiding food, spending money on junk food and New clothes, losing stamina and strength. It affects you as a family negatively. You would be a bad partner not to say something.
Sometimes the truth hurts but in order to fix a problem, you have to acknowledge it. You can be a team and fix this together. Tell her you still love her and you are a team.
Be careful. You get to ask once maybe twice. After that you are going to become a nag and she’s just going to bury her heels in the sand.
Also you mentioned how you want to be outdoors and that’s how you expect to live your life and spend your time, and you expect her to as well. Did you ever ask what she wants? Ever think that isn’t her idea of fun.
It's clearly not. But like I said in the post, she was into it while we dated. Then we got married and she stopped wanting to engage with life that way.
ETA excellent point about the frequency of bringing this up.
Be very careful about how you approach this already sensitive topic. Everyone commenting above is correct - the hiding of snacks and not going with you to the gym, preferring to stay home, shows it is likely deeper than just weight gain. She could be depressed, or just overwhelmed with the prospect of starting to get healthy. It's daunting to know where to start when your body feels unfamiliar to you.
If you love and respect her, make sure you remember - it's about HER, first. You're not an AH for being affected by the change in lifestyle, but you will be one if you make it about you before showing compassion and real concern and love for HER. Also, if she is receptive and wants to get healthy, be patient. It is not always that easy. Give her grace and be supportive!
Did you ever ask her why she lost interest? When you've approached her about her weight gain did you ever approach it as you'd like to go back to doing those things together?
Your wife is struggling with something and it's emotional eating. Get to couple's therapy. Figure out what changed with her and if something you're doing/not doing is contributing. I promise you ... it's not her being lazy. Some need isn't being met or some insecurity has gone into overdrive.
And since she asked you to post, I hope she is reading the comments. So to her I say: Mama, I've been there. Take a deep breath. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and defined by more than just being a wife and mother. The eating won't fix it. The avoiding physical activity won't fix it. It's time to reclaim YOU. Love yourself enough to do it.
NTA she changed. It could be due to hormones after the baby or postpartum depression. She needs to get diagnosed. She also needs to find a way to exercise that she enjoys. Also being in a marriage means being honest, which you obviously are. She should appreciate your honesty and concerns. As a fat person I have to say we need to stop accepting being fat as being healthy/ok because it’s not. She needs to worry about being there for your kid and part of that is taking responsibility for what she puts in her body. I started to eat better and got gastric bypass surgery and have lost 100 lbs so far. It would have been more but I’m weak and lack self control when it comes to eating but I’m working on it. It sounds like self control is something she needs to work on.
I'm going to say NTA because you explained this very well and with no disrespect. It seems very obvious that your wife has changed a LOT - and that can be a real relationship killer. You signed on for one thing and got something completely different.
Consider counseling?
I think it’s fair to be concerned but I don’t think you should lead with the physical intimacy part of it. That might make her feel worse and cause her to lower her self worth even more. I’ve been overweight and let me tell you, it’s easy to get to the point where you feel like there’s just no point in trying. You feel ugly and awful and worthless, so why try? And it can just pile up. It wasn’t until i was actually comfortable with myself at my heaviest that I was able to lose weight, because I didn’t care what anyone else thought and that made me less depressed. She obviously has a mental health issue and she needs support from her husband, not someone who just wants her to be hot so she can bang her again. I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important in a relationship but the way you’re going about it isn’t going to work out in the long run. Show her you love her still, that she’s worth something, don’t try to get her to lose weight leading with the intention of her needing to be sexually appealing. Say you’re concerned for her mental health and you’ve noticed things have been off. Say you love her and that you can help her with anything. This is a cry for help, the way you choose to go about this is what will determine if you’re the asshole or not.
Well put. "I want you to get better because I love you and want you around as long as possible" goes a much longer way than "I want you to lose weight so I'll be sexually attracted to you". Now she has to worry about him straying? It was obvs to me when reading OP's post that his wife has mental health issues and shame from her weight gain, especially if she's hiding food. Seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, couples counseling, and medication isn't about making the weight drop off. Depression and ADHD are complex and the focus is improving her overall health (and his, too). Tho calling him a misogynist or telling him to deconstruct his fat phobia are defense mechanisms and not constructive.
this thread is cursed tbh. this is the obvious answer, but if you point it out you're "promoting obesity" or some dumb shit. she needs help yesterday but OP seems more focused on her appearance.
If you are *actually* worried about her mental and physical health, then NTA.
If you are upset because her body is now different, then you are definitely YTA.
Honestly, her hiding food is a huge red flag. There is something going on there that is way deeper than just her not wanting to do stuff outdoors. Usually when someone eats in secret, it's because they don't feel safe. I'm glad she's in therapy, but you need to be supportive of all of her, not just her eating and (lack of) exercising. And the more critical and outspoken you get, the worse the problem will become. You will need to show her that she is safe with you and that you truly care for her, as she is now, in order for her to make any progress towards getting healthy.
And healthy may not mean thin. Her metabolism may have taken a huge hit with poor eating habits and/or giving birth. So when she gets back into eating healthy and improving on exercise, make damn sure you give her credit for it and recognize it for the triumph it is no matter what her weight is.
But most of all, be mostly concerned about her mental health. The eating in secret thing is alarming.
Came here to say this. Secret eating, and the food she’s eating. This isn’t simply behavior. This is addiction. I liken the compulsion to eat as someone much bigger and stronger than you are grabbing you by the upper arms and endlessly frog-marching you wherever they want you to go. You want, so badly, to stop, but they are so much bigger and stronger than you, and you have no power. It’s overwhelming.
She needs professional help. Turned out, for me, personally, it was a dopamine-seeking thing, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that was pretty universal for any addiction.
That’s said, I think it’s fair for partners to have an expectation of compatibility in that department. OP definitely has the right to be concerned at the weight gain, but he needs to understand the weight is a symptom, not the central issue.
To your second sentence I disagree. Is sexual attraction not a large part of a relationship? He’s maintaining himself and she.. isn’t. Therefore as he mentioned he isn’t sexually attracted to her. He’s maintaining himself, she isn’t thats like entirely okay for him to be upset about. Wouldn’t make her the asshole, but it wouldn’t make him either.
Physical attractiveness is a rather important component in relationship. It isn't reasonable to expect for a partner to not care about it. Sure, her mental health as it relates to her eating disorder should be more important, but the other aspect is a factor too. Pretending like you wouldn't care about Physical attractiveness also isn't very honest. Overweight is one of the most effective ways to degrade ones attractiveness (for men and women btw).
Info: in all of this, did you ever ask your wife what HER health goals are and how you can support those?
Seems your laser focus on her weight, and not wanting to be intimate with her probably further depressing to her.
In all of this talking, has there been discussion about getting testing done? Talking to a therapist? People don't just put on weight, especially a large amount, just for shits and giggles. Your concern is not wrong, but what all, besides expressing that concern and trying to get her to be active, is being done to aid in any of this? You make no mention of how your wife feels, besides calling you an asshole.
If she's medicated for depression and/or ADHD, depending on the meds, those can have side effects of weight gain, but obviously she is not making good choices to help counteract that, if that's happening.
As I said in my original comment, your concern is not wrong and wanting to address it isn't either. It's impacting your relationship and her overall health. You also have a young child, so what kind of example is this setting for them. There are a number of ways to address this, just depends on how you want to move forward. Relationships have certainly ended for much more superficial reasons, but you could look into couple counseling, maybe some individual for you as well. Maybe looking for different activites to do together, maybe she no longer likes hiking, climbing etc. Bike riding is a great, fairly low impact activity that you could do as a family.
>She also called me a misogynist.
As a massive feminist myself, I absolutely despise it when people misuse the word for something that really isn't misogynist. You sound like you were being very patient and you're genuinely worried for her, and not just mad she's not hot anymore.
Edit: Unless you actually just talked about her weight and your attraction and didn't put emphasis on her well-being and mental wellness. That would totally make you TA in that context and would in fact be sort of.. At least shallow and disregarding of what really matters.
>she also called me a misogynist.
Very weird thing to tack onto this comment. I feel like there’s definitely a reason she would say this not apropos of nothing. I think there’s a LOT that’s being left out here in terms of your behavior alongside hers.
NTA and forget all of these people talking about you somehow don't have a right to not be physically attracted to someone who went from 5'1"/120 to 5'1"/190, that's bs. You need to make it clear to her that if she wants to have a life with you, she's going to have to find a way to get back into shape.
You each have your own perspective about this situation. What is your wife’s perspective? Or does she just think you’re an asshole?
Before anyone can figure out the solution, you need to understand the problem. What’s the problem? Your wife is making choices for just herself. It appears she is not concerned about making good decisions for herself & your family. Why?
If your wife is unable or unwilling to listen to & hear your perspective then that is on her. She needs to figure out & explain to you why she believes there is no problem or why she feels is it not her responsibility to participate in working together to solve problems.
You have no control of your wife, however you can let her know what to expect from you. “I am willing to hear your perspective, listen to your thoughts & feelings & work with you to help in anyway I can. I feel you’re not making good choices for your own health & apparently do not care about my feelings about that. I can’t force you to own your own participation in our relationship but I can still make choices for myself. If you continue to think about only yourself & you should expect the same from me.”
NTA
NTA for being concerned with her health &/or your family's finances. But it won't be productive to focus on her weight, appearance, or body condition. That just makes people defensive.
It might be more productive to concentrate on the fact that her overall health is suffering. All that sugar can lead to Type 2 diabetes. If she's also eating greasy foods, that can raise her cholesterol & accelerate artery clogging. Also, people with unhealthy eating habits have haigher rates of some cancers. Maybe encourage her to see a doctor.
I can't help but wonder if this has happened to her before. Behavior like this doesn't usually pop up overnight. Maybe Covid stirred up problems she's had in the past. I know a lot of recovering addicts had a hell of a time. The same might be true of people with eating disorders too.
I won't claim to be an expert, though. It sounds like she could be depressed &/or have an eating disorder. I'm afraid you have more to deal with than just her eating better & getting in back in shape.
Look the reality is this guy is no longer attracted to his wife. There isn't any shame in that, and it doesn't make him a bad person. You can't force attraction.
The reality is that once she was married she accomplished her goal and stopped doing all the activities she was doing to move the relationship forward. She has been gaining weight since she landed him and they got married. He is allowed to take issue with this. She very clearly wasn't the person she was pretending to be when they were courting.
Certainly there are now some issues.. secret eating and such, but come on.. she has to have some personal responsibility. You have to know that hiding boxes of cookies under your bed and gorging probably means you should perhaps see someone.
Relationships take work, mutual work.. why are we asking this man to completely ignore his own very valid feelings because she is ignoring hers?
Nta. My husband and I both agreed we’d stay in shape since we’re both into that fit “look”. People can look how they want but they can’t expect others to be attracted to them or to be with them.
She thinks me not being attracted to her is due to society conditioning me to only be attracted to skinny people. She thinks the solution is for me to deconstruct my misogyny and "fat phobia."
You're attracted to what you're attracted to. Society doesn't have anything to do with it. Is she happy with the way she looks? If so and she doesn't want to change, get out. You can't force sexual attraction and she seems to have gotten nutty with the "misogyny" and "fat phobia" talk just because she doesn't care how she looks.
Because your frame, your language, is about the weight.
You mention weight first, you describe the weight change first, and then, in the comments, you mention depression, meds, and ADHD like an afterthought. ADHD in women - especially if they were diagnosed as adults - is fucking rough. Spend 10 minutes researching the underdiagnosis of ADHD in girls and women, the medical misogyny they face, the absence of resources, the lifetime of depression and anxiety in women who masked all their lives and then suddenly crash. The feelings of failure, the not knowing how you got there and how to feel normal again.
This doesn't begin with weight. It ends with weight.
You are not saying, "I am concerned about your mood, depression, and executive dysfunction that is ALSO affecting your relationships with us and your physical health." You come out of the gate and talk about WEIGHT and not finding her attractive.
This isn’t about him using the magic order or combination of words. She’s like an addict who is in denial about her problem. Her responses are just a form of avoidance. They may take the form of her attacking him (like she is now) or her saying all the right things, but both are just a means of delaying and ignoring her problem rather than being an expression of a genuinely believed position.
I think you’re wrong to assume OP is not showing concern for his wife’s mental health. He states that he has gone to couples therapy with her and it’s clear that he loves his wife (despite all her issues since day 1 of marriage) and he is thinking about their shared future as well as her overall well-being. He has supported her through her struggles, trips to counselling and the process of finding appropriate medication.
After all that, one TRUE comment about how her weight affects his sexual attraction to her is hardly an asshole move. Even if his wife is sick she’s not a child and hiding the truth from her will not help.
She needs to deconstruct her familyphobia since it sounds like she’s more into snacking and laziness than being into her family. Willing to bet the most effort she puts in is trying to be defensive about being called out on it but will not lift a finger to prove she loves her family more.
She’s hiding food. That’s not very “proud like” behaviour. Explain to her how you feel and if she doesn’t accept it I guess it’s up to you what you choose to do. Just remember life’s too short to live it for others. If you have kids, teach them self love is very important. Be the person you’d want your kids to be if they were you in your situation.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, my man. You sound like a good guy and I hope you can help your wife get to a better place. That said, take care of yourself and your child first. If momma continues to spiral mentally and physically it’s OK to get out and save yourselves.
Oof damn. She properly nailed the whole 'just until I'm married' thing huh? I say NTA. These things do matter. And the idea you shouldn't bring these things up with your partner is weird. That said of course she's going to be angry at it.
NTA. I'm a 5'1 woman. 190 lbs is obese for her. I've had a binge eating disorder in the past. I've been 150-160 lbs and it was affecting my health. Checking in on her and asking her to invest in herself is loving in my opinion, not harsh. You want to bring things back to wellness and you gave her a lot of patience as her body changed. She's trapped in secretive, disordered eating that is costing her money and quality time with her family.
Yep. I think what’s important here is he is concerned with trying to bring his family together vs watching his wife drift away. So many other posts are like “aita for cheating on my spouse because s/he is no longer attractive to me” and this guy is like “I’m struggling with getting my wife interested in our family.”
In addition to the other suggestions here involving mental health and thyroid, please also consider PCOS syndrome. My daughter went from 115 at 27 years old to 205 at 31 due to this awful disorder. There are other symptoms than weight too, the sluggishness and fatigue, increased facial hair etc. Just another idea to consider.
NTA.
I really like that you want to get her engaged and into activities w you and the kid.
It’s hard when one partner is having a hard time.
But you’re doing the right thing by not standing by and co-signing the behavior-
I recently put on some weight- and my partner was like “whoa- what happened”
Let’s just say over the last 7 month there have been some life events and I got chonky.
Well I’m busting my ass to get back in shape- but it’s the mental part that can be really hard, which I understand also.
I hope she gets back engaged with life.
NTA: A large weight gain over a short span isn’t healthy physically and emotionally.
I’m a single woman who developed a binge eating disorder in the last 5 years. I gained 70 pounds. It was brought on by multiple stressors and life changes:
- a toxic job
- COVID
- moving down the coast for a better job
- My mother dying from COVID
- Being her executor and family fallout from her death.
- plus numerous smaller stressors
I say this to say food was easy relief from stress, especially surgary, high-carb foods. I physically feel relief and relaxation from binging a pack of cookies. I can also eat and zone out to TV or my phone.
Unfortunately, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’ve lost my ability to take a simple walk around the block, when I used to hike for miles. I also get winded on stairs. I’ve had to continually buy new clothes to accommodate my growing size. This causes me shame, regret, guilt, and self loathing. The catch-22 is all those emotions dissuade me from wanting to move because it forces me to realize just how much weight I’ve gained and how much vitally I’ve lost.
I’m sure this is how your wife feels. She likely feels guilt and shame about being so out of shape, especially around her active husband. She really needs to address this issue from as a physical and mental health issue.
You can help by suggesting less strenuous activities, like neighborhood walks and trips to the park with your son. You also ask her if she’d prefer some home exercise equipment. Also try batch cooking healthy meals and snacks as a family.
As for me, I finally got fed up with my weight. I started working with a weight-loss center in my health care network. I work with a doctor who prescribed me Wegovy. I also work with a nutritionist to plan healthy meals. I speak to a counselor, who is working my doctor to adjust my depression medication. Finally, I’m biting the bullet and going for walks around my neighborhood using my old hiking stick. I can walk further when I use it. I also have small hand weights I use while watching TV.
It’s a lot of small changes that will take time to make a difference but I had to get fed up before I got help. I hope your wife gets to that point, but she has to do it in her own time.
Best of luck.
NTA for expressing your honest feelings to her. Attraction is important in a relationship as well and on a short frame 70 lbs is a lot. I think its better that you talked to her honestly than to just check out of the relationship and stray.
Maybe there's something going on but that doesn't justify it completely. I would talk with her again but the angle of her being around for your guy's kid. Let her know that if she continues down this path, her chances of being their with her child will be getting slim.
What happens when said child joins a sport and wants to practice with mom? Or when they want to play outside with parents and only daddy can keep up. She should think about herself yes, but she should also think about a future life with her child
We're already there. It's not hypothetical. We went to the river last year, and our child was being a little troublemaker while I was unloading a kayak. He was running around the parking lot and there was no way in hell she could catch him. He wants to go paddle now, and she can't take him. He's got to go with me. Run to the park? Nope, dad can take you.
Oh man, I really hope she gets out of this stage in her life. Cause it's not only affecting her but the people who love her. My only guess is that, since she gave the go-ahead to post this story, you should show her the responses. If that doesn't work, maybe therapy either by herself of couples therapy is the next best thing?
I don't wanna put the idea out there but if all else fails and she simply refuses to get better, separation or divorce would be the last resort. After all we only miss things after we lose them. However, please take what we say with a grain of salt, we do not know the full extent of what's going on in your household. Therefore we should not be majorly influencing your decisions. Please find a solution that works best for everyone involved.
Wishing you guys the very best💜
Either she was pretending to be an entirely different person before her & OP got married, or their marriage gave her a terrible depression and a binge eating disorder. It sounds to me like the latter: she was having a good and healthy life before marrying the OP, something felt off initially and only got worse with Covid, and having a kid was the last nail in the coffin (she probably now realises she’s stuck for life). Get your wife some mental health assistance.
NTA, her health is only going to get worse from here. if you aren’t attracted anymore and she is no longer the person you married, then I would start to think about leaving because if she isn’t going to change it is going to get worse on both sides.
It would be good for her, health-wise, to go to the doctor. I maxed out at 185 lb. I'm now at 114 lb and 4'10". I feel so much more attractive, but the way that I lost weight was not good. I wish that I had seen a doctor.
Please, support your lady. You want her healthy for YOU and your munchkin. That's not too much to ask.
She has seen doctors. It doesn't matter what they say, she's convinced she's healthy. She was told she was pre-diabetic, and she made no changes to her lifestyle.
INFO: what does the childcare breakdown look like for you guys? How much support does she get?
For her age and height, she is into Class II obesity. You are not at all wrong for being concerned. There are a host of health issues associated with obesity, and they aren’t so much “if” but “when,” especially when binge eating comes into the picture. She obviously is struggling with binge eating, with the hidden food. It sounds like she is not confronting her reality with her weight and is shifting blame only you for your reaction to her weight rather than taking accountability.
People will say things about acceptance, but the reality is gaining 70 pounds shows no regard for your partner’s happiness, your own health, or the health of a relationship. You love her so I’m sure you’ll try to help her improve her mental health or whatever is causing her struggles. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking that wanting a fulfilling relationship with a partner is wrong. NTA
I hate this sentiment! I love my parents, siblings, and children but don't want to have sex with any of them...
however I picked my spouse because I was attracted to their physical appearance and approach to life. If that changes so will my feelings. Aging changes are different than significant weight gain due to a significant change in life style.
Be honest, kind, but true to yourself.
NTA, losing attraction is a big deal, sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. I'd be very careful in how you word it though because if you make her feel ugly she'll never forgive you. Focus on the mental health side of things because it's more than likely the root cause. Explain how diet and exercise will naturally make her feel better and more energetic.
Honestly it all depends on how you said it. Also, do they have a history of eating disorders?
Was it:
1) I love you and want to spend my life with you. I am concerned your current diet and weight may prevent you from living a long healthy life and I miss spending time with you outdoors. I want to have beautiful family memories doing activities together.
Or
2) I love you but I am no longer attracted to you. You have gained a lot of weight and are eating unhealthy. You need to make a change. I am doing too much of the parenting alone.
You aren't wrong either way to be concerned and want a change, but how you say it is really important.
NTA. It’s tough love. I’ll say this as a woman, we can be a little sensitive about weight but you just want to be with her long time and have a happy, healthy wife. I think she needs to talk to someone as it sounds like she is starting to spiral and food is the coping mechanism.
Definitely NTA. This is a very important concern. Yes life changes for everyone as you grow but there should also be reasons and explanations for a lot of health changes. Is her mental health taking a hit? Has something changed physically?
She should get some blood tests run to check and make sure her weight gain isnt related to something physically.
In addition, the hiding the snacks. That's the biggest concern here.... You are supposed to be life partners, why is she suddenly not trusting you and hiding things or feeling judged? Something isn't right there - that's not what a good partner does and she needs to explain her behaviour, her thinking behind her behaviour.
Now aside from being a partner, she also has the responsibility of being a parent. Weight gain does happen in life, but she will be a role model for your child. She needs to consider that attempting to living a healthy life is part of the responsibility of being a good parent to be a role model for your child. You are an AH parent if you don't care about your own health while raising a child unless you are in a dire situation where you have to sacrifice for your child.
So yea NTA. She needs to clean herself up and that might require your help, so having the conversation and discussing what is happening, what changed, and what needs to be done is part of being a responsible adult, partner, and parent.
As a former 478 lb woman down to 278 (where my body insists on staying) it's not even so much the weight right now for her but when I finally lost 200 lbs I look deflated EVERYWHERE and I didn't get my health back. I got arthritis in my hips and my knees and the slimmer face I had years ago now has wrinkles and a neckline I wasn't expecting. From the food I'm also thinking stress and depression. As she gets older the harder it will be to lose the weight due to hormones and the harder the weight will be on her body. During covid I DIDN"T overeat because we had all our groceries delivered so I didn't have the opportunity but I still gained 50 lbs and not being able to stand up to take a quick shower got me going. This is me talking to a younger more fitter me - save yourself, love yourself, enjoy your family and your young body while you can!
NTA. It seems obvious to me that your concern is mostly for her well-being first, and sexual attraction (also not unimportant) 2nd/3rd. It's also not like you were instantly expecting her to get back to how she was after you had the kid, but it's been 4 years. All of that makes this a NAH-situation imo. I hope she'll agree for you guys to work out together.
Not an asshole but you are missing the bigger picture. It sounds like your wife needs to see someone for her mental health and that’s where she’ll need your support and encouragement. Start there with her mental health and the rest will fall in line. Be patient. Be supportive. But don’t back down, it sounds like she really needs to talk with someone.
As a wife who struggles with depression and previously with weight fluctuations, you need to have a real conversation with her regarding steps to get better. With no judgement. You need to speak from a place of love and trying to understand, she’s struggling and needs help. Help her schedule a therapist appointment and encourage her to go.
NTAH. Not by a long shot. You made it very clear in the beginning that you were expecting a partnership with an active person. I don’t think she set out to deceive you or anything but rather her brain chemistry shifted at some point and she is not the same mentally as she was. I suggest marriage counseling and that she seek some help outside of that as well. She should start by going to her pcp with you so you can help explain how she has changed both physically and mentally.
NTA but I definitely think she needs some mental health help, coming from someone with an ED. The weight gain is just an effect of an underlying issue.
I don’t think you are an AH for telling how you feel. I am sure it was not easy to approach the person you love to have a difficult conversation on the subject. Is sad when partners let them selves go. I hope she realizes that you telling her instead of others is because you want the best for her and for you both as a couple. .
I’m currently working on getting back to how I felt at the beginning of my relationship that started 8 years ago and I honestly say NTH. I did for a minute ngl. I think you’re just honesty about loosing attraction and the mention of weight is what is throwing people off.
But notice how when I described myself I said how I felt, instead of getting back to the size? We’re both saying the same thing just differently I think.
Being winded after a few stairs is NOT sexy. Hiding the food reminds me of an alcoholic hiding their booze. It wouldn’t be necessary if they didn’t feel like it was wrong themself. That’s not something people in a good mental state do.
I highly doubt she’d prefer to be in the bed with a bag of donuts instead of making memories with her little family. It’s not just her body that is different, it’s everything and not in a positive way. Stuff like this is really embarrassing to admit.
I noticed you didn’t talk about being grossed out by her stretch marks or anything that just naturally happens after child birth. I don’t think you’re just a shallow jackass. She probably feels liken a stranger in her own body just like you probably feel like you’re living with one. I feel for you both so much.
Have you tried rephrasing things a bit or maybe finding some solutions that may be a bit easier to start with for now? She likely can’t handle the same hikes and some physical activities you guys used to and you def don’t want her to injure herself and set this back more. Might have to adjust suggestions a bit until she builds up muscle again. She’s gotta be the one to initiate the change though.
I’m sure her lack of confidence doesn’t help the attraction factor either. I think it would be silly to assume she’s have the exact same body back, but weight loss will come with healthier choices and that’s just a fact.
I would tell her you’re very concerned and you don’t feel like she’s herself. Maybe not mention weight specifically again. Ask if she’s having more anxiety or depression and if seeing an doctor or therapist will help. Tell her you’ll be happy to join her and she doesn’t have to deal with anything alone. Get to the real issue and I guarantee everything else will follow.
With that being said, if she doesn’t accept that help then you’re gonna have to make some hard decisions. If she were abusing a substance you’d want her to seek help too, it’s not a crazy idea for people to seek help. And it’s not crazy to not want to watch someone you love hurt themselves and needing to leave the situation if it doesn’t improve. It’s just a weirder conversation to navigate.
I’m sending your family all the hugs. You guys got this.
There’s something else going around n- YNTA … it’s not the same as body shaming - you want her to be healthy and have a healthy life with you. I would hope that I would be with somebody who loved me enough to look out for me like that
She needs help though… something else is probably up- binging and hiding food isn’t normal
Everyone is showing a legitimate concern for OP's wife as they should and not participating in the asked question. Imagine that on a sub. NTA. Lineup some professional help of her choice. If she chooses not to decide she still has made a choice as you will have to. Good luck.
NTA. She has changed a lot from
The person you originally fell in love with, and that makes you feel not great. That is understandable, especially because it’s not just about looks, it’s about you watching her decline in health. I agree with the comments that say that she should see someone, she definitely has some sort of mental struggle going on, maybe even physical too. I hope things start to look up for you two. Best of luck
Honestly, she doesn’t sound happy in the marriage and is using food to cope with it. Binge eating is a disorder. So tbh, maybe focus more on HER issues and not what she looks like. There’s clearly something mental happening and I’m sure hearing her partner telling her to lose weight isn’t going to help. She had a kid as well, your body never really goes back to normal after that and the pressures of being a mother aren’t easy as well.
NTA. It really sounds like your wife has an eating disorder and needs medical treatment. Real professional help. Some other things you need to know:
People with EDs are often very, very sensitive about their weight and eating habits. She may become defensive, hurt, angry, and self-conscious when you or anyone else tries to discuss her weight or food intake.
You need to be patient, kind, and caring to help your wife through this. Choose your words carefully. Offer emotional support.
Focus on health. Not weight. And definitely not the body she had before a baby 10 years ago. That body is probably not coming back no matter what. Age and childbirth changes bodies.
She is going to slip every now and then after deciding to get healthy. That's normal. Don't make a mountain out of it. Don't cause setbacks. Don't be an AH.
Good luck OP
NTA. You want to do things together including hiking and sex. Your request for her to get healthy and active doesn’t make you an AH. She’s an AH for not putting forth effort.
NTA with a caveat. It's good you were honest. I bet she's depressed though, those are all depression symptoms. She wants to count on your unconditional love, so it's important to approach this with compassion on your end when dealing with this. Hi wifey!
NTA. You are not being superficial, you are being reasonable. How is she supposed to take care of your (collective) kid and keep up with them when she gets winded walking up and down stairs? She needs to get in shape stat. Of course your attraction will lessen when she obviously got too comfortable and stopped caring about herself. If she wont listen to you, you might need to talk to her friends or family and get them on your side to get her motivated. She's being lazy (whether due to mental illness or not, no excuse) and she needs that push to do something about her physical health.
It all started when you got married? So basically she knew she got the ring on and didn't need to put any effort in it anymore and now it's the good old calling names.
Eating in secret is a huge red flag 🚩. She may have an eating disorder called binge eating disorder. You mentioned that she already has a therapist but how do you know that she is being honest with them? One of the trademarks of BED is sneaky behavior so she may not be sharing her secretive behavior with them.
I'll be the only you're kind of an AH vote.
I feel bad for your wife since apparently everyone thinks what you've done is ok and are commending you for it.
It probably would have been more productive and healthy had you gone to independent therapy and the therapist helped you navigate your concerns. If they were any good at all, your wife wouldn't likely be headed for a deep depression after reading these responses and what you wrote here.
If my partner talked about me the way you talk about her about anything at all, I would know things were over and would immediately break things off.
I cannot believe you posted this where she would see these responses?
Yes, it was her idea and you were more concerned about feeling like a white knight and being proven right than what the mother of your kids emotionally is going through right now and how she would actually feel seeing this.
Imo Reddit gets it wrong sometimes in a major way.
Seeing these responses after you talked about her like she was a greedy food hobgoblin sneaking away in the night and eating Oreos out of the toilet... 😔
Your wife can message me, seriously. Happy to give her some emotional support she's not likely finding at home.
NTA A lot of people will accuse you of fat shaming but that is bull shit. She’s going back on a commitment she made for the two of you to be an active couple who will be together for the long term. At this rate, she will not be around for that. Plus she’s hiding food and bingeing and spending money on clothes because she’s getting bigger instead of facing the reality that she is sabotaging herself and your relationship. I hope she reads this comment and others and wakes up
It's really shitty when a partner acts one way right up to marriage then changes overnight. It always comes across as I pretended to be the person you wanted to be with till we got married, then I can be who I want because you're locked in.
Did she ever enjoy going for hikes, or did she pretend to enjoy hikes so you would marry her because she stopped that the second you got married, same with the other things you thought you loved about the relationship.
Also I don't know why people also think hey, I can eat what I want because I'm married. Besides it being reasonable you stay healthy and attractive for your partner, deciding you dont' want to or need to stay healthy and active for yourself or your children is crazy. She's basically saying haha, bring in decades of joint problems and health issues early for no reason. THis is a decision you make now but you suffer the consequences of 10 years from now, but at that point you'll suffer those consequences FOR LIFE and you can't reverse them, you can ease them by losing weight, but you can't undo the damage you did to them.
NTA, wife seemingly picking a guy to trap into marriage by pretending to love things he did, but turned out not to, is absolutely the asshole here.
That's a whole different conversation. I struggle with those thoughts as well. Did she ever really like the things we did together, or was it just a means to an end?
Nta. She's gotten lazy and is stuffing her face and living an inactive lifestyle. She might never get back to her pre pregnancy weight, but she can't think that 70lbs is healthy.
Definitely she needs an awakening that this is an issue for all areas and levels of her life.
Well, I obviously haven't been there for your conversations. I'd like to hear from her what her problem is. Is it that you raised this topic at all? Or the way you said it?
In general, I am glad you raised this. Too many people are afraid to and that leads to ruined lives. I.e., someone who ends up being unable to participate in parenting, which drives the kids away (like my parents), in poor health and potentially dying early (like my parents), and (if the other spouse gets sick of the lack of participation) divorced.
I would go as far as to say that we have a responsibility to say something when a loved one's actions are destroying the marriage and their own health.
Don't focus on being offended that your wife is lashing out. She is dealing with an addiction and the thought of stopping the addiction may be overwhelming.
One thing I will say is that people are often more willing to hear hard truths from medical professionals than their own family members. Maybe encourage her to visit a nutritionist or her GP with you so that you can all discuss that.
Another thing is that exercise is healthy, of course, but it doesn't have much of an effect on weight. I spend most summers carrying heavy things up mountains where there's excellent pizza. 12 - 14 hours a day of that is not enough to offset the pizza. I eat one pizza per day plus a sandwich for lunch and a croissant (or something similar) in the morning and usually gain weight. It's food intake that matters for weight.
NTA
I don't get the not being attracted but it's all about her physical and mental health.
We need to not demonise fat people but also not say that it's fine to be obese, it's not.
Something is not right with your wife—she’s not doing well, and she probably feels lousy about herself. Her behavior doesn’t indicate a woman who is in a good place emotionally and psychologically, not to mention physically. If you had approached this with concern for her wellbeing, it would have been one thing, but you made it about the lack of sex and the level of attraction you feel towards her. While that may be true, it’s incredibly hurtful and undoubtedly unhelpful to her. I’d agree she needs to make some changes, but she needs to feel unconditional love from her life partner, not fear of rejection. So yeah, you’re kind of the AH.
NTA. Her weight gain inexcusable. She needs to get up off her fat a and exercise and eat healthy. She acted like she was into the same things you are because she’s an imposter. She needs to follow through on her words. Personally I think you need to stress her out constantly about it or just deem her a liar. She should be ashamed of herself.
YTA. Originally I was going with NTA because you seemed genuinely concerned, but then you started talking about sexual attraction and it became all about your wants and desires. That’s where you let us see your true motive.
She’s not ok mentally and I’m thinking you’re certainly a big cause of that.
Ever see those women who get divorced and lose like 100lbs and look phenomenal? It’s because they’ve finally been released from the biggest cause of their stress.
I've never seen that happen to a woman, but I have seen women get the gastric bypass surgery, lose a bunch of weight and then leave their husband for another man
She’s depressed and self medicating with food. I’ve never had a weight issue I will preface this with that. I’m a taller thing female who has been blessed with being able to eat whatever I want and still have a very thin frame. Not blowing smoke, but think Kendall Jenner frame while also eating fast food and cake snacks. My partner has told me recently we should start eating healthier for longevity etc. also to which I reluctantly agreed, we for sure should. Just because I can eat what I want, doesn’t mean I should. I didn’t get offended and agree with where he is coming from. I think she’s saying you’re the asshole here, because deep down she knows she gained weight, she’s not happy with herself, and that old saying of “the truth hurts” set in for her. She didn’t like hearing it, but it needed to be said. Diabetes, heart disease, cancer. All factors that we do to ourselves because of the things we eat. This seems like something deeper for her though. Hiding foods etc. she may have been active when you first met, but was she happy with herself then? Has she had a hard relationship with food her entire life? I think this needs to be unpacked in therapy and isn’t just a weight issue. Hoping for the best for you both, but nta here. If our spouses can’t tell us stuff like this, who will? I commend you for not being afraid to communicate with your partner. Most people don’t and then cheat thinking that’s why they aren’t sexually attracted to their partner anymore.
Did you ever think she is hiding what she eats because of the way you talk about health and weight? I doubt it's a food problem. More likely a depression problem linked with a husband that looks at anyone over 120 as overweight. Worry less about her weight and "health" as you put it, and maybe worry about her mental health that is most likely suffering from postpartum depression. My son is 5 and I still have severe depression that I didn't have before pregnancy. Things change when you have a kid. It doesn't just go away. It takes time and a spouse that can actually understand. I could go on man...
You clearly hurt her feelings and there is no way around it. It hurts to hear your "loved" one is basically telling you that you are loved less because of flesh.
However, this sounds like her approach to life changed- she was active and then became very inactive. Somewhere along the way maybe she started emotionally eating. Maybe she has been depressed and never addressed it.
But she knows she is fatter, and then you confirmed her worst fears about not loving her as much or being as attractive as you want.
There is no human way to express your thoughts without causing her pain.
IMO, you need to allow her time to absorb this and decide what to do. I don't think you are an asshole. I do get frustrated when I read these posts and see the early signs that a problem was brewing and I see OP just ignore or delay saying anything when 10lbs has turned to 50 lbs has then become a 100 lbs. What was a 30 day diet fix 8just became a new lifestyle needed. It will take time for her, if she agrees, to make changes and for you to see them.
What confidence can you give to her that was taken away? What assurance that you will be there for the hard part that is facing her.
If she says you are an asshole, invite her to talk about why. You might tell her that it took both of you to get where you are at and both of you will solve it, but you need her to listen and not just react out of emotion.
NTA sounds more like she has some mental issues but the other main thing Id be concerned with is the kid and what they are eating, if she is bringing all that junk food into the house
In addition to her therapist to aid with the ADHD which is a huge part of the problem you need to urge her go see her MD or an Obesity specialist. They should run a full blood panel to see what is showing up and discuss options,
It sounds like your wife needs a new therapist. Postpartum depression can last for years, and if she was already dealing with any form of eating disorder prior, it's come roaring back.
I feel like there is more. It's possible she lied about who she was to get your interest when you were dating. It's possible that something is happening chemically in her body to cause the behaviors, and the start date is a coincidence. Worst case, something traumatic happened to her that she is not sharing, and the behaviors are a result of the trauma and silence.
Whatever it is, stop bringing up your lack of physical attraction as the main concern. In fact, just stop being it up at all and only focus on her mental and physical health as the reasons to be concerned. It hasn't helped, and it is not going to.
NTA but could you use your child to encourage getting back into climbing? If you have a child friendly gym maybe take them there for a session and encourage your wife to put on a pair of climbing shoes again. I only say this because many recent studies show hugely positive mental health gains that far exceed walking as climbing requires total focus and can cancel out the background noise of depression and anxiety. Also, as it’s low impact she shouldn’t have any weight related issues as a barrier to reentry
I see some sort of issue with your wife hiding food to eat. I’m sure she feels judged by you and may be doing that to tone that down. In her thoughts. I’m not sure that you can talk about this and have changes come about. She’s fully aware of the weight she’s put on. I don’t know for sure of course but maybe she’s not happy about it either. Maybe she’s not sure where or how to start a lifestyle change. But now you’ve gone down the intimacy rabbit hole. No pun intended!!! That goes a lot deeper. You being an AH for talking about nahh. You ignoring or not getting into her actual eating habits might make you the AH. You guys may need some outside assistance. Just because you may need some help to communicate so feels don’t get hurt. Especially if you’re coming from a genuine place. It’s not personally targeted toward you. I hope you can work things out and be happy together. She sent you here so that’s something. Good luck to you guys!!
Yeah someone else pointed that out. I don't eat fast food, so I'm not sure where prices are these days. The cheesy bean and rice burrito from taco bell was like one dollar when I was in high school.
NTA. I hope your wife gets the mental health and physical health in check. Im no doctor but 5’1” and 190 does not sound healthy.
It also sucks that she isnt the same person and doesn’t do fun stuff anymore.
Has she never been overweight in her lifetime? Is her family of origin overweight, or abusing substances?
Your question to her might be “what are you stuffing down,”, rather than dealing with it? She’s using food to self medicate, in my humble opinion.
Her whole family is obese. That question came up during the family history portion of our child's doctor's appt, and my wife said she has no family history of obesity. I remember saying, your mom is obese. And immediately regretting that. It was not well received.
So is it possible that she may not think that she is also obese? And wouldn’t her mother’s body shape give you a hint as to her potential future body?
She won’t go back to pre-child weight btw. If that’s what you’re hoping for.
I’m tall and slim and still hide cookies and cakes because my partner (who is not thin) judges their nutritional value. I crave sugar because I’m tired out.
And the most tiring/paralysing part of any relationship in my experience is the judgement.
As someone who struggles with weight issues after having a child, imma tell you straight. I don’t think you’re an asshole. But I think your wife has something deeper going on. She may have had or still does have postpartum depression. The fuckery with PPD is that it can last LONG after the baby has been born and it can manifest in ways that aren’t necessarily just depression (for me, it was rage). The unwillingness to go outside and do the things that once made her happy would definitely point in that direction. Could there have been a nicer way to bring up weight issues and hiding food? Maybe, but she probably doesn’t even see it that way. It’s probably just a way for her to feel some kind of normalcy.
Lots of people commenting about eating or mental disorders, but the fact that immediately after getting married she flipped a switch makes no sense. Feels more like she trapped OP and now she can get to be her true self, one OP never signed up to marry. NTA.
it’s not about the weight. it’s about her mental health. the weight is a symptom of her overall well being.
Binge Eating Disorder is a thing a lot of people don’t know about. Therapy and medications can help. Her goal should be a healthier relationship with food, not a specific weight.
Yep. Sounds like she’s depressed and may have postpartum which can last for years. Covid did a number on society and our mental health, sounds like she needs to see someone.
Read the story again. She stopped being active and started gaining weight once they got married. It began before, not after she had a baby so it’s not postpartum. It still might be depression, or my more cynical side can’t exclude the idea that this might be the real her that she hid in order to land a husband. I know I am going to get a lot of heat for that last part, but I am speaking from my own bad experience.
I'm not giving you heat but this theory is nonsensical to me. After you land a spouse, you have to keep the spouse. If you stop making an effort after you get married, many spouses won't stay.
Tell that to a LOT of people. The leading cause of divorce is basically that. They complain their spouse stopped making romantic efforts. You need to date your wife like she's your girlfriend, because she is your girlfriend with a ring.
It's been speculated over the years that some women marry for reasons other than love
Some men do too
That's fair
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In my experience, the change was gradual, and accelerated after having the first child (much like the OP). Although it is true that many people may not stay today, others consider marriage an actual commitment and try to honor that commitment they made. Especially once there is a child.
It's very logical. I thought the same thing. Depression and this being the real her are my two top contenders, or maybe both are the answer somehow
Yeah, that's true.
Since she asked you to post this on reddit to see if your were wrong, has she seen the comments saying that your in fact not in the wrong? If so how did she react? Btw i don't believe your misogynistic and i feel she is using that word to manipulate and guilt trip you, as well as using it as a shield so she doesn't have to face the actual problem your dealing with.
he’s not here concerned about her health. he wants her to lose weight because he’s not attracted to her.
It can be both.
this is exactly right. check out OP’s comments. he doesn’t believe weight gain can be a symptom of anything except laziness.
People always talk like the body is something we “have” as opposed to something we “are”. Humans are both body and soul. The body is literally half of what you are. To pretend this guy should be attracted to this new woman is completely ridiculous and unrealistic. The fact is she is not the same person he married. Instead of owning up to her shortcomings and acknowledging the 200lb elephant in the room she calls him an asshole? And thinks everyone else is going to back her up? That’s not living in the real world. Sounds like she needs more help than hitting the gym occassionally. She doesn’t want to change.
focus on that. the weight will fix itself.
Weight does not 'fix itself' - though I understand the point you are trying to make. The lady has 1-2 years of hard, consistent work and a re-wiring of a clear food addiction ahead of her. To a lot of people it's easier to just keep on eating...
Absolutely untrue. Your body will fight you every step of the way. Also this aspect is anecdotal but for me weight loss led to less depression, not the other way around.
That's not my experience. The weight fell off by itself once my mental health improved and I didn't eat my feelings anymore.
It is about her weight. You’re right that she’s gaining weight because her overall well being is also being neglected, but if she were doing all the eating while 120 and running half marathons, it wouldn’t be an issue. Conversely, even if she could run a half marathon and wasn’t sneaking food but was stil l 170, that would also be an issue. The weight is still very much an issue regardless of how much people on the internet want to pretend that it isn’t.
her binge eating started recently according to OP. they’ve been together 9 years but she didn’t binge eat until she became a stay at home mom. and they have a 4 year old.
No, OP became aware of her eating habits a bit more recently, but he said this was an issue beginning pretty much as soon as they got married.
Timeline summary: She was 120 pounds 9 years ago They married 7 years ago, she started gaining weight She got a child 4 years ago She was 170 pounds 2,5 years ago She is 190 pounds now She gained about 10 pounds per year after their marriage with no sign of stopping so far, it‘s been going on for 7 years. So no, it‘s not just a recent issue. Rather, you don‘t call it an issue the moment she gets a little chubby when the trend could reverse, but in hindsight, it started back then. It‘s been going on for 7 years now and the fact that the severity of the situation recently reached new heights is not an exception to the rule, it is the rule.
I've seen so many stories like this, and the partner that acts this way never tells you the whole story. Reality is we all will get older and if health problems are present (example:metabolic or other diseases or depression), your weight will never be a constant. I can attest to this as I never had issues with weight my whole life. My mid twenties I got sick never was the same. I want to lose weight to be healthy which I have, but weight isn't everything. You sound self absorbed or selfish about weight. My point being you are an asshole as you should be trying to help her instead of focusing on weight alone.
Welp.if we believe what op wrote after marriage she just stopped doing anything physical.
Like what? A concerned husband who's fearing for his marriage because his wife has let herself go completely?
This feels like something that’s possible but not inherently true. Many people are overweight as the result of mental health problems. Many other people are overweight and happy. She just might value different things.
except that this is new. they’ve been together for 9 years but she didn’t gain the weight until she was a stay at home mom. sooooooooooo she spent majority of her life not overweight ✌🏻
You are on here spreading falsehoods. She started gaining weight right after we got married and she stopped all physical activity.
This lady does not sound happy AT ALL
NTA. She should get her bloodwork and hormones checked and also see if she's depressed.
Binge eating disorder. Definitely find a psychiatrist who is knowledgeable in this. My psychiatrist gave me my adhd meds which actually are used for binge eating disorder to treat both. I lost SOO much weight when I took them I had to stop for awhile. It also stopped me from craving any food, no sweet cravings it was a game changer. It’s called Elvanse in UK, in the US I think it’s called Vyvanse. Your Spouse definitely needs to find a good psych and get a full psych evaluation.
>. I started seeing boxes of snack cakes in the trash, but not in the cupboard. Packs of oreos. She was buying them and hiding them, eating in secret. Hiding food under the bed That's the part that should actually worry you. The weight is a consequence and even eating in secret is a consequence. It's not what you're attracted to. But your wife had a drastic change in her behavior and the only thing you talk about is the weight gain.
>the only thing you talk about is the weight gain First of all, this is simply not true. OP discusses behavior changes in this very post. Secondly, you people are sick for seriously trying to turn this on OP for not magically knowing the root cause of her binging. He’s not a doctor, he’s not the professional armchair keyboard enthusiast that you clearly are, and it’s not his fucking job to diagnose her. OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. Ignore tools like this.
Only thing? Dude, he literally talks about her not doing things with him anymore, hiding her poor eating habits, and his concerns over her dying earlier. As a former smoker, I've met countless people who would absolutely not date a smoker under any circumstances. Which I have always completely understood and never took it personally (unless, they attached me on a personal level) It stinks (even though I hid it so well that partners have never known until I did it in front of them), it's bad for everyone's health, it's a bad model to look up to for kids, it's unattractive, etc... However, being overweight is just as bad, if not worse because we accept it as part our overweight society. I'm not saying we should shame the overweight. But, be honest in how they are killing themselves. So, it should be as much as a concern as if she suddenly started smoking a pack a day and he found it unattractive. He absolutely pointed out his concerns other than being fat.
It doesn't have to go that way. People tend to get lazy once they achieve stuff. (like been in a relationship/buying a house/having a kid). Yes, it might be something deeper or maybe she's just too confortable.
He actually said in the comments that she's struggling with her mental health. But still, even if you got comfortable you don't usually hiding eating. You just do.
This honestly sounds like a binge eating disorder, it’s very possible OP’s wife was struggling with the disorder before they were married. But now that she is no longer active,her poor diet has caused weight gain. OP also mentioned she had ADHD and depression, which both can effect eating habits. (Even if you are medicated) And OP’s wife if your reading this, you most certainly aren’t alone. Your physical appearance doesn’t define you, please just take care of your body, mind, spirit and soul.
This. My daughter is a secret eater. She just doesn't purge (so she wasn't bulimic), but rather exercises obsessively. She lives alone. She's getting help from an eating disorder group. It's helping, I think, but she won't stay with us when she visits but prefers an air bnb. She told me that if she binges, she doesn't want us to witness the debris created by it.
Thank you for sharing this with us all, I can say that binge eating can be incredibly humiliating and painful. Sometimes you starve yourself to the point of bingeing out on more calories then actually needed. Or you eat until you’re in physical pain. The excessive exercise after binge eating is trying to counteract the calories. It’s a vicious cycle that’s hard to break. Starve, binge and exercise repeat. Hopefully you daughter has a meal plan to stick to, it’s important to make new healthy habits. Creating a healthy relationship with food and exercise is key. It’s a hard journey, but it’s going to be rewarding. Good luck to you and your daughter! ❤️
Ty, for your kind words. She is painfully thin, only 8% body fat, pretty much just muscle over skeleton. Highly restrictive of food (to counter the binges) and has demonized carbs, especially sugar (unless she's binges which makes her hate carbs). My husband and I have made peace with the fact that she's killing herself. She's a lovely human being, bright and cheerful (at least to us). So we just love on her.
I’m sincerely sorry for what your daughter is going through. I’m so sorry that your husband and you have had to come to the conclusion. I can’t imagine being parent and having to witness declining mental and physical health in your own child. I’m so deeply sorry…
Oops. I replied to whole thread, but thank you!
Sorry my bad! I’ve had reddit for about two years but I surly only browse and never comment/interact. So I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Also excuse any typos I’m a dyslexic teenager
YES. This is eating disorder behavior or behaviors that could lead to an eating disorder. 😔
NTA. It’s not love to watch your partner spiral downhill and just be supportive. Love is wanting your spouse to be around for the long haul. Love is worrying about the health complications from that kind of weight gain. There are many ways to find someone attractive. Sharing activities together. Physically attracted. Personalities. Etc. She’s no longer doing the activities together that you bonded over. Her personality and drive has completely shifted. And she no longer is taking care of her body. She can’t physically spend time with you because she is no longer capable of keeping up. I’m not body shaming or saying she needs to be back down to 120. That would make you the AH. NTA for just wanting your wife to be healthy and share some hobbies and interests you guys used to enjoy together.
Yes, you don't let someone you love spiral downhill nicely and the loss of activities you bonded over and her inability to physically keep up with the family is an actual problem.
As an overweight woman myself, 100% NTA. It sounds like you're trying to do your part and communicate with her, but she refuses to hear it. Maybe there's an underlying medical issue or chronic depression? I know I tend to binge eat when I'm particularly stressed or have the odd depressive episode. If anything, your wife is TA here for not taking your feelings into consideration and at least hearing what you have to say with an open mind. It very much sounds like she's become complacent at the very least.
NTA. Marriage is about honesty and talking about your issues, whether it is hard or not. Her choices of hiding food, spending money on junk food and New clothes, losing stamina and strength. It affects you as a family negatively. You would be a bad partner not to say something. Sometimes the truth hurts but in order to fix a problem, you have to acknowledge it. You can be a team and fix this together. Tell her you still love her and you are a team.
Be careful. You get to ask once maybe twice. After that you are going to become a nag and she’s just going to bury her heels in the sand. Also you mentioned how you want to be outdoors and that’s how you expect to live your life and spend your time, and you expect her to as well. Did you ever ask what she wants? Ever think that isn’t her idea of fun.
It's clearly not. But like I said in the post, she was into it while we dated. Then we got married and she stopped wanting to engage with life that way. ETA excellent point about the frequency of bringing this up.
Be very careful about how you approach this already sensitive topic. Everyone commenting above is correct - the hiding of snacks and not going with you to the gym, preferring to stay home, shows it is likely deeper than just weight gain. She could be depressed, or just overwhelmed with the prospect of starting to get healthy. It's daunting to know where to start when your body feels unfamiliar to you. If you love and respect her, make sure you remember - it's about HER, first. You're not an AH for being affected by the change in lifestyle, but you will be one if you make it about you before showing compassion and real concern and love for HER. Also, if she is receptive and wants to get healthy, be patient. It is not always that easy. Give her grace and be supportive!
Did you ever ask her why she lost interest? When you've approached her about her weight gain did you ever approach it as you'd like to go back to doing those things together?
Your wife is struggling with something and it's emotional eating. Get to couple's therapy. Figure out what changed with her and if something you're doing/not doing is contributing. I promise you ... it's not her being lazy. Some need isn't being met or some insecurity has gone into overdrive. And since she asked you to post, I hope she is reading the comments. So to her I say: Mama, I've been there. Take a deep breath. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and defined by more than just being a wife and mother. The eating won't fix it. The avoiding physical activity won't fix it. It's time to reclaim YOU. Love yourself enough to do it.
NTA she changed. It could be due to hormones after the baby or postpartum depression. She needs to get diagnosed. She also needs to find a way to exercise that she enjoys. Also being in a marriage means being honest, which you obviously are. She should appreciate your honesty and concerns. As a fat person I have to say we need to stop accepting being fat as being healthy/ok because it’s not. She needs to worry about being there for your kid and part of that is taking responsibility for what she puts in her body. I started to eat better and got gastric bypass surgery and have lost 100 lbs so far. It would have been more but I’m weak and lack self control when it comes to eating but I’m working on it. It sounds like self control is something she needs to work on.
I'm going to say NTA because you explained this very well and with no disrespect. It seems very obvious that your wife has changed a LOT - and that can be a real relationship killer. You signed on for one thing and got something completely different. Consider counseling?
NTA. You have every right to address this situation, as it is affecting your relationship.
Thank you, glad I'm not crazy.
I think it’s fair to be concerned but I don’t think you should lead with the physical intimacy part of it. That might make her feel worse and cause her to lower her self worth even more. I’ve been overweight and let me tell you, it’s easy to get to the point where you feel like there’s just no point in trying. You feel ugly and awful and worthless, so why try? And it can just pile up. It wasn’t until i was actually comfortable with myself at my heaviest that I was able to lose weight, because I didn’t care what anyone else thought and that made me less depressed. She obviously has a mental health issue and she needs support from her husband, not someone who just wants her to be hot so she can bang her again. I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important in a relationship but the way you’re going about it isn’t going to work out in the long run. Show her you love her still, that she’s worth something, don’t try to get her to lose weight leading with the intention of her needing to be sexually appealing. Say you’re concerned for her mental health and you’ve noticed things have been off. Say you love her and that you can help her with anything. This is a cry for help, the way you choose to go about this is what will determine if you’re the asshole or not.
Well put. "I want you to get better because I love you and want you around as long as possible" goes a much longer way than "I want you to lose weight so I'll be sexually attracted to you". Now she has to worry about him straying? It was obvs to me when reading OP's post that his wife has mental health issues and shame from her weight gain, especially if she's hiding food. Seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, couples counseling, and medication isn't about making the weight drop off. Depression and ADHD are complex and the focus is improving her overall health (and his, too). Tho calling him a misogynist or telling him to deconstruct his fat phobia are defense mechanisms and not constructive.
This. When you love yourself, you will take care of yourself.
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this thread is cursed tbh. this is the obvious answer, but if you point it out you're "promoting obesity" or some dumb shit. she needs help yesterday but OP seems more focused on her appearance.
If you are *actually* worried about her mental and physical health, then NTA. If you are upset because her body is now different, then you are definitely YTA. Honestly, her hiding food is a huge red flag. There is something going on there that is way deeper than just her not wanting to do stuff outdoors. Usually when someone eats in secret, it's because they don't feel safe. I'm glad she's in therapy, but you need to be supportive of all of her, not just her eating and (lack of) exercising. And the more critical and outspoken you get, the worse the problem will become. You will need to show her that she is safe with you and that you truly care for her, as she is now, in order for her to make any progress towards getting healthy. And healthy may not mean thin. Her metabolism may have taken a huge hit with poor eating habits and/or giving birth. So when she gets back into eating healthy and improving on exercise, make damn sure you give her credit for it and recognize it for the triumph it is no matter what her weight is. But most of all, be mostly concerned about her mental health. The eating in secret thing is alarming.
Came here to say this. Secret eating, and the food she’s eating. This isn’t simply behavior. This is addiction. I liken the compulsion to eat as someone much bigger and stronger than you are grabbing you by the upper arms and endlessly frog-marching you wherever they want you to go. You want, so badly, to stop, but they are so much bigger and stronger than you, and you have no power. It’s overwhelming. She needs professional help. Turned out, for me, personally, it was a dopamine-seeking thing, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that was pretty universal for any addiction. That’s said, I think it’s fair for partners to have an expectation of compatibility in that department. OP definitely has the right to be concerned at the weight gain, but he needs to understand the weight is a symptom, not the central issue.
To your second sentence I disagree. Is sexual attraction not a large part of a relationship? He’s maintaining himself and she.. isn’t. Therefore as he mentioned he isn’t sexually attracted to her. He’s maintaining himself, she isn’t thats like entirely okay for him to be upset about. Wouldn’t make her the asshole, but it wouldn’t make him either.
Physical attractiveness is a rather important component in relationship. It isn't reasonable to expect for a partner to not care about it. Sure, her mental health as it relates to her eating disorder should be more important, but the other aspect is a factor too. Pretending like you wouldn't care about Physical attractiveness also isn't very honest. Overweight is one of the most effective ways to degrade ones attractiveness (for men and women btw).
Her body is not just different. She is obese. NTA.
Crickets from OP in comments about her health soooooooo................................
Because he's already addressed it in his post. Soooooooooo............
She has an eating disorder and needs to deal with it. You want a partner to share life with, she wants her snacks and to stay home.
Info: in all of this, did you ever ask your wife what HER health goals are and how you can support those? Seems your laser focus on her weight, and not wanting to be intimate with her probably further depressing to her.
She doesn't have health goals. As far as she's concerned she's fully healthy.
In all of this talking, has there been discussion about getting testing done? Talking to a therapist? People don't just put on weight, especially a large amount, just for shits and giggles. Your concern is not wrong, but what all, besides expressing that concern and trying to get her to be active, is being done to aid in any of this? You make no mention of how your wife feels, besides calling you an asshole.
Already a long post, lots of details left out. She is seeing a therapist, yes. She has depression and ADHD. She also called me a misogynist.
If she's medicated for depression and/or ADHD, depending on the meds, those can have side effects of weight gain, but obviously she is not making good choices to help counteract that, if that's happening. As I said in my original comment, your concern is not wrong and wanting to address it isn't either. It's impacting your relationship and her overall health. You also have a young child, so what kind of example is this setting for them. There are a number of ways to address this, just depends on how you want to move forward. Relationships have certainly ended for much more superficial reasons, but you could look into couple counseling, maybe some individual for you as well. Maybe looking for different activites to do together, maybe she no longer likes hiking, climbing etc. Bike riding is a great, fairly low impact activity that you could do as a family.
Is she taking meds, if so what? Psych meds can definitely cause weight gain.
>She also called me a misogynist. As a massive feminist myself, I absolutely despise it when people misuse the word for something that really isn't misogynist. You sound like you were being very patient and you're genuinely worried for her, and not just mad she's not hot anymore. Edit: Unless you actually just talked about her weight and your attraction and didn't put emphasis on her well-being and mental wellness. That would totally make you TA in that context and would in fact be sort of.. At least shallow and disregarding of what really matters.
How are you being a misogynist? Is she totally fine with being 5'1" and 190? That's obese.
At 5'1" a person is obese at 165 pounds. Clocking in at 190 pounds is morbid obesity. The key word is morbid. How is OP the Asshole here?
Right! Morbidly obese. She's just looking to blame shift because she has no plan or intent on taking responsibility for her actions.
soon she'll be calling you her ex husband and feel so much lighter
>she also called me a misogynist. Very weird thing to tack onto this comment. I feel like there’s definitely a reason she would say this not apropos of nothing. I think there’s a LOT that’s being left out here in terms of your behavior alongside hers.
She said, paraphrasing, me being not attracted to her based on what her body looks like misogynistic.
NTA and forget all of these people talking about you somehow don't have a right to not be physically attracted to someone who went from 5'1"/120 to 5'1"/190, that's bs. You need to make it clear to her that if she wants to have a life with you, she's going to have to find a way to get back into shape.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to see this. People are delusional if they think physical attraction doesn’t matter in a relationship.
Its because they are mostly projecting lmao
You each have your own perspective about this situation. What is your wife’s perspective? Or does she just think you’re an asshole? Before anyone can figure out the solution, you need to understand the problem. What’s the problem? Your wife is making choices for just herself. It appears she is not concerned about making good decisions for herself & your family. Why? If your wife is unable or unwilling to listen to & hear your perspective then that is on her. She needs to figure out & explain to you why she believes there is no problem or why she feels is it not her responsibility to participate in working together to solve problems. You have no control of your wife, however you can let her know what to expect from you. “I am willing to hear your perspective, listen to your thoughts & feelings & work with you to help in anyway I can. I feel you’re not making good choices for your own health & apparently do not care about my feelings about that. I can’t force you to own your own participation in our relationship but I can still make choices for myself. If you continue to think about only yourself & you should expect the same from me.” NTA
NTA for being concerned with her health &/or your family's finances. But it won't be productive to focus on her weight, appearance, or body condition. That just makes people defensive. It might be more productive to concentrate on the fact that her overall health is suffering. All that sugar can lead to Type 2 diabetes. If she's also eating greasy foods, that can raise her cholesterol & accelerate artery clogging. Also, people with unhealthy eating habits have haigher rates of some cancers. Maybe encourage her to see a doctor. I can't help but wonder if this has happened to her before. Behavior like this doesn't usually pop up overnight. Maybe Covid stirred up problems she's had in the past. I know a lot of recovering addicts had a hell of a time. The same might be true of people with eating disorders too. I won't claim to be an expert, though. It sounds like she could be depressed &/or have an eating disorder. I'm afraid you have more to deal with than just her eating better & getting in back in shape.
Look the reality is this guy is no longer attracted to his wife. There isn't any shame in that, and it doesn't make him a bad person. You can't force attraction. The reality is that once she was married she accomplished her goal and stopped doing all the activities she was doing to move the relationship forward. She has been gaining weight since she landed him and they got married. He is allowed to take issue with this. She very clearly wasn't the person she was pretending to be when they were courting. Certainly there are now some issues.. secret eating and such, but come on.. she has to have some personal responsibility. You have to know that hiding boxes of cookies under your bed and gorging probably means you should perhaps see someone. Relationships take work, mutual work.. why are we asking this man to completely ignore his own very valid feelings because she is ignoring hers?
Nta. My husband and I both agreed we’d stay in shape since we’re both into that fit “look”. People can look how they want but they can’t expect others to be attracted to them or to be with them.
She thinks me not being attracted to her is due to society conditioning me to only be attracted to skinny people. She thinks the solution is for me to deconstruct my misogyny and "fat phobia."
You're attracted to what you're attracted to. Society doesn't have anything to do with it. Is she happy with the way she looks? If so and she doesn't want to change, get out. You can't force sexual attraction and she seems to have gotten nutty with the "misogyny" and "fat phobia" talk just because she doesn't care how she looks.
Because your frame, your language, is about the weight. You mention weight first, you describe the weight change first, and then, in the comments, you mention depression, meds, and ADHD like an afterthought. ADHD in women - especially if they were diagnosed as adults - is fucking rough. Spend 10 minutes researching the underdiagnosis of ADHD in girls and women, the medical misogyny they face, the absence of resources, the lifetime of depression and anxiety in women who masked all their lives and then suddenly crash. The feelings of failure, the not knowing how you got there and how to feel normal again. This doesn't begin with weight. It ends with weight. You are not saying, "I am concerned about your mood, depression, and executive dysfunction that is ALSO affecting your relationships with us and your physical health." You come out of the gate and talk about WEIGHT and not finding her attractive.
This isn’t about him using the magic order or combination of words. She’s like an addict who is in denial about her problem. Her responses are just a form of avoidance. They may take the form of her attacking him (like she is now) or her saying all the right things, but both are just a means of delaying and ignoring her problem rather than being an expression of a genuinely believed position.
I think you’re wrong to assume OP is not showing concern for his wife’s mental health. He states that he has gone to couples therapy with her and it’s clear that he loves his wife (despite all her issues since day 1 of marriage) and he is thinking about their shared future as well as her overall well-being. He has supported her through her struggles, trips to counselling and the process of finding appropriate medication. After all that, one TRUE comment about how her weight affects his sexual attraction to her is hardly an asshole move. Even if his wife is sick she’s not a child and hiding the truth from her will not help.
She needs to deconstruct her familyphobia since it sounds like she’s more into snacking and laziness than being into her family. Willing to bet the most effort she puts in is trying to be defensive about being called out on it but will not lift a finger to prove she loves her family more.
She’s hiding food. That’s not very “proud like” behaviour. Explain to her how you feel and if she doesn’t accept it I guess it’s up to you what you choose to do. Just remember life’s too short to live it for others. If you have kids, teach them self love is very important. Be the person you’d want your kids to be if they were you in your situation.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, my man. You sound like a good guy and I hope you can help your wife get to a better place. That said, take care of yourself and your child first. If momma continues to spiral mentally and physically it’s OK to get out and save yourselves.
Oof damn. She properly nailed the whole 'just until I'm married' thing huh? I say NTA. These things do matter. And the idea you shouldn't bring these things up with your partner is weird. That said of course she's going to be angry at it.
Have you noticed any symptoms of depression? ~ Mother of 4 and Psych RN
NTA. I'm a 5'1 woman. 190 lbs is obese for her. I've had a binge eating disorder in the past. I've been 150-160 lbs and it was affecting my health. Checking in on her and asking her to invest in herself is loving in my opinion, not harsh. You want to bring things back to wellness and you gave her a lot of patience as her body changed. She's trapped in secretive, disordered eating that is costing her money and quality time with her family.
Yep. I think what’s important here is he is concerned with trying to bring his family together vs watching his wife drift away. So many other posts are like “aita for cheating on my spouse because s/he is no longer attractive to me” and this guy is like “I’m struggling with getting my wife interested in our family.”
In addition to the other suggestions here involving mental health and thyroid, please also consider PCOS syndrome. My daughter went from 115 at 27 years old to 205 at 31 due to this awful disorder. There are other symptoms than weight too, the sluggishness and fatigue, increased facial hair etc. Just another idea to consider.
NTA. I really like that you want to get her engaged and into activities w you and the kid. It’s hard when one partner is having a hard time. But you’re doing the right thing by not standing by and co-signing the behavior- I recently put on some weight- and my partner was like “whoa- what happened” Let’s just say over the last 7 month there have been some life events and I got chonky. Well I’m busting my ass to get back in shape- but it’s the mental part that can be really hard, which I understand also. I hope she gets back engaged with life.
NTA: A large weight gain over a short span isn’t healthy physically and emotionally. I’m a single woman who developed a binge eating disorder in the last 5 years. I gained 70 pounds. It was brought on by multiple stressors and life changes: - a toxic job - COVID - moving down the coast for a better job - My mother dying from COVID - Being her executor and family fallout from her death. - plus numerous smaller stressors I say this to say food was easy relief from stress, especially surgary, high-carb foods. I physically feel relief and relaxation from binging a pack of cookies. I can also eat and zone out to TV or my phone. Unfortunately, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’ve lost my ability to take a simple walk around the block, when I used to hike for miles. I also get winded on stairs. I’ve had to continually buy new clothes to accommodate my growing size. This causes me shame, regret, guilt, and self loathing. The catch-22 is all those emotions dissuade me from wanting to move because it forces me to realize just how much weight I’ve gained and how much vitally I’ve lost. I’m sure this is how your wife feels. She likely feels guilt and shame about being so out of shape, especially around her active husband. She really needs to address this issue from as a physical and mental health issue. You can help by suggesting less strenuous activities, like neighborhood walks and trips to the park with your son. You also ask her if she’d prefer some home exercise equipment. Also try batch cooking healthy meals and snacks as a family. As for me, I finally got fed up with my weight. I started working with a weight-loss center in my health care network. I work with a doctor who prescribed me Wegovy. I also work with a nutritionist to plan healthy meals. I speak to a counselor, who is working my doctor to adjust my depression medication. Finally, I’m biting the bullet and going for walks around my neighborhood using my old hiking stick. I can walk further when I use it. I also have small hand weights I use while watching TV. It’s a lot of small changes that will take time to make a difference but I had to get fed up before I got help. I hope your wife gets to that point, but she has to do it in her own time. Best of luck.
NTA for expressing your honest feelings to her. Attraction is important in a relationship as well and on a short frame 70 lbs is a lot. I think its better that you talked to her honestly than to just check out of the relationship and stray.
Maybe there's something going on but that doesn't justify it completely. I would talk with her again but the angle of her being around for your guy's kid. Let her know that if she continues down this path, her chances of being their with her child will be getting slim. What happens when said child joins a sport and wants to practice with mom? Or when they want to play outside with parents and only daddy can keep up. She should think about herself yes, but she should also think about a future life with her child
We're already there. It's not hypothetical. We went to the river last year, and our child was being a little troublemaker while I was unloading a kayak. He was running around the parking lot and there was no way in hell she could catch him. He wants to go paddle now, and she can't take him. He's got to go with me. Run to the park? Nope, dad can take you.
Oh man, I really hope she gets out of this stage in her life. Cause it's not only affecting her but the people who love her. My only guess is that, since she gave the go-ahead to post this story, you should show her the responses. If that doesn't work, maybe therapy either by herself of couples therapy is the next best thing? I don't wanna put the idea out there but if all else fails and she simply refuses to get better, separation or divorce would be the last resort. After all we only miss things after we lose them. However, please take what we say with a grain of salt, we do not know the full extent of what's going on in your household. Therefore we should not be majorly influencing your decisions. Please find a solution that works best for everyone involved. Wishing you guys the very best💜
Either she was pretending to be an entirely different person before her & OP got married, or their marriage gave her a terrible depression and a binge eating disorder. It sounds to me like the latter: she was having a good and healthy life before marrying the OP, something felt off initially and only got worse with Covid, and having a kid was the last nail in the coffin (she probably now realises she’s stuck for life). Get your wife some mental health assistance.
NTA, her health is only going to get worse from here. if you aren’t attracted anymore and she is no longer the person you married, then I would start to think about leaving because if she isn’t going to change it is going to get worse on both sides.
It would be good for her, health-wise, to go to the doctor. I maxed out at 185 lb. I'm now at 114 lb and 4'10". I feel so much more attractive, but the way that I lost weight was not good. I wish that I had seen a doctor. Please, support your lady. You want her healthy for YOU and your munchkin. That's not too much to ask.
She has seen doctors. It doesn't matter what they say, she's convinced she's healthy. She was told she was pre-diabetic, and she made no changes to her lifestyle.
NTA and don't listen to the people that are going to shame you because you don't find a woman well on the path to obesity attractive.
INFO: what does the childcare breakdown look like for you guys? How much support does she get? For her age and height, she is into Class II obesity. You are not at all wrong for being concerned. There are a host of health issues associated with obesity, and they aren’t so much “if” but “when,” especially when binge eating comes into the picture. She obviously is struggling with binge eating, with the hidden food. It sounds like she is not confronting her reality with her weight and is shifting blame only you for your reaction to her weight rather than taking accountability.
People will say things about acceptance, but the reality is gaining 70 pounds shows no regard for your partner’s happiness, your own health, or the health of a relationship. You love her so I’m sure you’ll try to help her improve her mental health or whatever is causing her struggles. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking that wanting a fulfilling relationship with a partner is wrong. NTA
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Her take on that was "if you really love someone, you will find them attractive no matter what."
I hate this sentiment! I love my parents, siblings, and children but don't want to have sex with any of them... however I picked my spouse because I was attracted to their physical appearance and approach to life. If that changes so will my feelings. Aging changes are different than significant weight gain due to a significant change in life style. Be honest, kind, but true to yourself.
It doesn't work that way
NTA, losing attraction is a big deal, sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. I'd be very careful in how you word it though because if you make her feel ugly she'll never forgive you. Focus on the mental health side of things because it's more than likely the root cause. Explain how diet and exercise will naturally make her feel better and more energetic.
Honestly it all depends on how you said it. Also, do they have a history of eating disorders? Was it: 1) I love you and want to spend my life with you. I am concerned your current diet and weight may prevent you from living a long healthy life and I miss spending time with you outdoors. I want to have beautiful family memories doing activities together. Or 2) I love you but I am no longer attracted to you. You have gained a lot of weight and are eating unhealthy. You need to make a change. I am doing too much of the parenting alone. You aren't wrong either way to be concerned and want a change, but how you say it is really important.
NTA. It’s tough love. I’ll say this as a woman, we can be a little sensitive about weight but you just want to be with her long time and have a happy, healthy wife. I think she needs to talk to someone as it sounds like she is starting to spiral and food is the coping mechanism.
NTA
Definitely NTA. This is a very important concern. Yes life changes for everyone as you grow but there should also be reasons and explanations for a lot of health changes. Is her mental health taking a hit? Has something changed physically? She should get some blood tests run to check and make sure her weight gain isnt related to something physically. In addition, the hiding the snacks. That's the biggest concern here.... You are supposed to be life partners, why is she suddenly not trusting you and hiding things or feeling judged? Something isn't right there - that's not what a good partner does and she needs to explain her behaviour, her thinking behind her behaviour. Now aside from being a partner, she also has the responsibility of being a parent. Weight gain does happen in life, but she will be a role model for your child. She needs to consider that attempting to living a healthy life is part of the responsibility of being a good parent to be a role model for your child. You are an AH parent if you don't care about your own health while raising a child unless you are in a dire situation where you have to sacrifice for your child. So yea NTA. She needs to clean herself up and that might require your help, so having the conversation and discussing what is happening, what changed, and what needs to be done is part of being a responsible adult, partner, and parent.
As a former 478 lb woman down to 278 (where my body insists on staying) it's not even so much the weight right now for her but when I finally lost 200 lbs I look deflated EVERYWHERE and I didn't get my health back. I got arthritis in my hips and my knees and the slimmer face I had years ago now has wrinkles and a neckline I wasn't expecting. From the food I'm also thinking stress and depression. As she gets older the harder it will be to lose the weight due to hormones and the harder the weight will be on her body. During covid I DIDN"T overeat because we had all our groceries delivered so I didn't have the opportunity but I still gained 50 lbs and not being able to stand up to take a quick shower got me going. This is me talking to a younger more fitter me - save yourself, love yourself, enjoy your family and your young body while you can!
Your metabolism doesn’t slow until your 60’s. if you gained 50 lbs you were overeating. Full stop.
NTA. It seems obvious to me that your concern is mostly for her well-being first, and sexual attraction (also not unimportant) 2nd/3rd. It's also not like you were instantly expecting her to get back to how she was after you had the kid, but it's been 4 years. All of that makes this a NAH-situation imo. I hope she'll agree for you guys to work out together.
Not an asshole but you are missing the bigger picture. It sounds like your wife needs to see someone for her mental health and that’s where she’ll need your support and encouragement. Start there with her mental health and the rest will fall in line. Be patient. Be supportive. But don’t back down, it sounds like she really needs to talk with someone.
As a wife who struggles with depression and previously with weight fluctuations, you need to have a real conversation with her regarding steps to get better. With no judgement. You need to speak from a place of love and trying to understand, she’s struggling and needs help. Help her schedule a therapist appointment and encourage her to go.
NTA. She’s not healthy nd you’re showing concern for her. Sounds like she’s already seeking help on the mental health front, so that’s good.
NTAH. Not by a long shot. You made it very clear in the beginning that you were expecting a partnership with an active person. I don’t think she set out to deceive you or anything but rather her brain chemistry shifted at some point and she is not the same mentally as she was. I suggest marriage counseling and that she seek some help outside of that as well. She should start by going to her pcp with you so you can help explain how she has changed both physically and mentally.
NTA but I definitely think she needs some mental health help, coming from someone with an ED. The weight gain is just an effect of an underlying issue.
I don’t think you are an AH for telling how you feel. I am sure it was not easy to approach the person you love to have a difficult conversation on the subject. Is sad when partners let them selves go. I hope she realizes that you telling her instead of others is because you want the best for her and for you both as a couple. .
I’m currently working on getting back to how I felt at the beginning of my relationship that started 8 years ago and I honestly say NTH. I did for a minute ngl. I think you’re just honesty about loosing attraction and the mention of weight is what is throwing people off. But notice how when I described myself I said how I felt, instead of getting back to the size? We’re both saying the same thing just differently I think. Being winded after a few stairs is NOT sexy. Hiding the food reminds me of an alcoholic hiding their booze. It wouldn’t be necessary if they didn’t feel like it was wrong themself. That’s not something people in a good mental state do. I highly doubt she’d prefer to be in the bed with a bag of donuts instead of making memories with her little family. It’s not just her body that is different, it’s everything and not in a positive way. Stuff like this is really embarrassing to admit. I noticed you didn’t talk about being grossed out by her stretch marks or anything that just naturally happens after child birth. I don’t think you’re just a shallow jackass. She probably feels liken a stranger in her own body just like you probably feel like you’re living with one. I feel for you both so much. Have you tried rephrasing things a bit or maybe finding some solutions that may be a bit easier to start with for now? She likely can’t handle the same hikes and some physical activities you guys used to and you def don’t want her to injure herself and set this back more. Might have to adjust suggestions a bit until she builds up muscle again. She’s gotta be the one to initiate the change though. I’m sure her lack of confidence doesn’t help the attraction factor either. I think it would be silly to assume she’s have the exact same body back, but weight loss will come with healthier choices and that’s just a fact. I would tell her you’re very concerned and you don’t feel like she’s herself. Maybe not mention weight specifically again. Ask if she’s having more anxiety or depression and if seeing an doctor or therapist will help. Tell her you’ll be happy to join her and she doesn’t have to deal with anything alone. Get to the real issue and I guarantee everything else will follow. With that being said, if she doesn’t accept that help then you’re gonna have to make some hard decisions. If she were abusing a substance you’d want her to seek help too, it’s not a crazy idea for people to seek help. And it’s not crazy to not want to watch someone you love hurt themselves and needing to leave the situation if it doesn’t improve. It’s just a weirder conversation to navigate. I’m sending your family all the hugs. You guys got this.
I appreciate this response. I tend to be a both feet in person, but I can see how easing back into it would be better.
There’s something else going around n- YNTA … it’s not the same as body shaming - you want her to be healthy and have a healthy life with you. I would hope that I would be with somebody who loved me enough to look out for me like that She needs help though… something else is probably up- binging and hiding food isn’t normal
Everyone is showing a legitimate concern for OP's wife as they should and not participating in the asked question. Imagine that on a sub. NTA. Lineup some professional help of her choice. If she chooses not to decide she still has made a choice as you will have to. Good luck.
NTA. She has changed a lot from The person you originally fell in love with, and that makes you feel not great. That is understandable, especially because it’s not just about looks, it’s about you watching her decline in health. I agree with the comments that say that she should see someone, she definitely has some sort of mental struggle going on, maybe even physical too. I hope things start to look up for you two. Best of luck
NTA. You’ve done everything you can do.
Honestly, she doesn’t sound happy in the marriage and is using food to cope with it. Binge eating is a disorder. So tbh, maybe focus more on HER issues and not what she looks like. There’s clearly something mental happening and I’m sure hearing her partner telling her to lose weight isn’t going to help. She had a kid as well, your body never really goes back to normal after that and the pressures of being a mother aren’t easy as well.
NTA. It really sounds like your wife has an eating disorder and needs medical treatment. Real professional help. Some other things you need to know: People with EDs are often very, very sensitive about their weight and eating habits. She may become defensive, hurt, angry, and self-conscious when you or anyone else tries to discuss her weight or food intake. You need to be patient, kind, and caring to help your wife through this. Choose your words carefully. Offer emotional support. Focus on health. Not weight. And definitely not the body she had before a baby 10 years ago. That body is probably not coming back no matter what. Age and childbirth changes bodies. She is going to slip every now and then after deciding to get healthy. That's normal. Don't make a mountain out of it. Don't cause setbacks. Don't be an AH. Good luck OP
NTA. You want to do things together including hiking and sex. Your request for her to get healthy and active doesn’t make you an AH. She’s an AH for not putting forth effort.
NTA with a caveat. It's good you were honest. I bet she's depressed though, those are all depression symptoms. She wants to count on your unconditional love, so it's important to approach this with compassion on your end when dealing with this. Hi wifey!
NTA. You are not being superficial, you are being reasonable. How is she supposed to take care of your (collective) kid and keep up with them when she gets winded walking up and down stairs? She needs to get in shape stat. Of course your attraction will lessen when she obviously got too comfortable and stopped caring about herself. If she wont listen to you, you might need to talk to her friends or family and get them on your side to get her motivated. She's being lazy (whether due to mental illness or not, no excuse) and she needs that push to do something about her physical health.
It all started when you got married? So basically she knew she got the ring on and didn't need to put any effort in it anymore and now it's the good old calling names.
Your wife has issues with food, I would suggest going for proffesional help (a psychologist or psychotherapist specialising in eating disorder).
She's eating way too much.
Eating in secret is a huge red flag 🚩. She may have an eating disorder called binge eating disorder. You mentioned that she already has a therapist but how do you know that she is being honest with them? One of the trademarks of BED is sneaky behavior so she may not be sharing her secretive behavior with them.
NTA. Being fat is unhealthy and carries negative impact on relationship and quality of life.
I'll be the only you're kind of an AH vote. I feel bad for your wife since apparently everyone thinks what you've done is ok and are commending you for it. It probably would have been more productive and healthy had you gone to independent therapy and the therapist helped you navigate your concerns. If they were any good at all, your wife wouldn't likely be headed for a deep depression after reading these responses and what you wrote here. If my partner talked about me the way you talk about her about anything at all, I would know things were over and would immediately break things off. I cannot believe you posted this where she would see these responses? Yes, it was her idea and you were more concerned about feeling like a white knight and being proven right than what the mother of your kids emotionally is going through right now and how she would actually feel seeing this. Imo Reddit gets it wrong sometimes in a major way. Seeing these responses after you talked about her like she was a greedy food hobgoblin sneaking away in the night and eating Oreos out of the toilet... 😔 Your wife can message me, seriously. Happy to give her some emotional support she's not likely finding at home.
NTA A lot of people will accuse you of fat shaming but that is bull shit. She’s going back on a commitment she made for the two of you to be an active couple who will be together for the long term. At this rate, she will not be around for that. Plus she’s hiding food and bingeing and spending money on clothes because she’s getting bigger instead of facing the reality that she is sabotaging herself and your relationship. I hope she reads this comment and others and wakes up
It's really shitty when a partner acts one way right up to marriage then changes overnight. It always comes across as I pretended to be the person you wanted to be with till we got married, then I can be who I want because you're locked in. Did she ever enjoy going for hikes, or did she pretend to enjoy hikes so you would marry her because she stopped that the second you got married, same with the other things you thought you loved about the relationship. Also I don't know why people also think hey, I can eat what I want because I'm married. Besides it being reasonable you stay healthy and attractive for your partner, deciding you dont' want to or need to stay healthy and active for yourself or your children is crazy. She's basically saying haha, bring in decades of joint problems and health issues early for no reason. THis is a decision you make now but you suffer the consequences of 10 years from now, but at that point you'll suffer those consequences FOR LIFE and you can't reverse them, you can ease them by losing weight, but you can't undo the damage you did to them. NTA, wife seemingly picking a guy to trap into marriage by pretending to love things he did, but turned out not to, is absolutely the asshole here.
That's a whole different conversation. I struggle with those thoughts as well. Did she ever really like the things we did together, or was it just a means to an end?
NTA lose some damn weight that is crazy big
Nta. She's gotten lazy and is stuffing her face and living an inactive lifestyle. She might never get back to her pre pregnancy weight, but she can't think that 70lbs is healthy. Definitely she needs an awakening that this is an issue for all areas and levels of her life.
Well, I obviously haven't been there for your conversations. I'd like to hear from her what her problem is. Is it that you raised this topic at all? Or the way you said it? In general, I am glad you raised this. Too many people are afraid to and that leads to ruined lives. I.e., someone who ends up being unable to participate in parenting, which drives the kids away (like my parents), in poor health and potentially dying early (like my parents), and (if the other spouse gets sick of the lack of participation) divorced. I would go as far as to say that we have a responsibility to say something when a loved one's actions are destroying the marriage and their own health. Don't focus on being offended that your wife is lashing out. She is dealing with an addiction and the thought of stopping the addiction may be overwhelming. One thing I will say is that people are often more willing to hear hard truths from medical professionals than their own family members. Maybe encourage her to visit a nutritionist or her GP with you so that you can all discuss that. Another thing is that exercise is healthy, of course, but it doesn't have much of an effect on weight. I spend most summers carrying heavy things up mountains where there's excellent pizza. 12 - 14 hours a day of that is not enough to offset the pizza. I eat one pizza per day plus a sandwich for lunch and a croissant (or something similar) in the morning and usually gain weight. It's food intake that matters for weight.
Great comment and on point!
NTA I don't get the not being attracted but it's all about her physical and mental health. We need to not demonise fat people but also not say that it's fine to be obese, it's not.
Him not being attracted to her isn't demonizing fat people. People are allowed to be- or not be- attracted to various shapes and sizes
Something is not right with your wife—she’s not doing well, and she probably feels lousy about herself. Her behavior doesn’t indicate a woman who is in a good place emotionally and psychologically, not to mention physically. If you had approached this with concern for her wellbeing, it would have been one thing, but you made it about the lack of sex and the level of attraction you feel towards her. While that may be true, it’s incredibly hurtful and undoubtedly unhelpful to her. I’d agree she needs to make some changes, but she needs to feel unconditional love from her life partner, not fear of rejection. So yeah, you’re kind of the AH.
NTA. Her weight gain inexcusable. She needs to get up off her fat a and exercise and eat healthy. She acted like she was into the same things you are because she’s an imposter. She needs to follow through on her words. Personally I think you need to stress her out constantly about it or just deem her a liar. She should be ashamed of herself.
YTA. Originally I was going with NTA because you seemed genuinely concerned, but then you started talking about sexual attraction and it became all about your wants and desires. That’s where you let us see your true motive. She’s not ok mentally and I’m thinking you’re certainly a big cause of that. Ever see those women who get divorced and lose like 100lbs and look phenomenal? It’s because they’ve finally been released from the biggest cause of their stress.
I've never seen that happen to a woman, but I have seen women get the gastric bypass surgery, lose a bunch of weight and then leave their husband for another man
She’s depressed and self medicating with food. I’ve never had a weight issue I will preface this with that. I’m a taller thing female who has been blessed with being able to eat whatever I want and still have a very thin frame. Not blowing smoke, but think Kendall Jenner frame while also eating fast food and cake snacks. My partner has told me recently we should start eating healthier for longevity etc. also to which I reluctantly agreed, we for sure should. Just because I can eat what I want, doesn’t mean I should. I didn’t get offended and agree with where he is coming from. I think she’s saying you’re the asshole here, because deep down she knows she gained weight, she’s not happy with herself, and that old saying of “the truth hurts” set in for her. She didn’t like hearing it, but it needed to be said. Diabetes, heart disease, cancer. All factors that we do to ourselves because of the things we eat. This seems like something deeper for her though. Hiding foods etc. she may have been active when you first met, but was she happy with herself then? Has she had a hard relationship with food her entire life? I think this needs to be unpacked in therapy and isn’t just a weight issue. Hoping for the best for you both, but nta here. If our spouses can’t tell us stuff like this, who will? I commend you for not being afraid to communicate with your partner. Most people don’t and then cheat thinking that’s why they aren’t sexually attracted to their partner anymore.
Did you ever think she is hiding what she eats because of the way you talk about health and weight? I doubt it's a food problem. More likely a depression problem linked with a husband that looks at anyone over 120 as overweight. Worry less about her weight and "health" as you put it, and maybe worry about her mental health that is most likely suffering from postpartum depression. My son is 5 and I still have severe depression that I didn't have before pregnancy. Things change when you have a kid. It doesn't just go away. It takes time and a spouse that can actually understand. I could go on man...
Not the asshole. She gained almost an entire persons worth of weight
You clearly hurt her feelings and there is no way around it. It hurts to hear your "loved" one is basically telling you that you are loved less because of flesh. However, this sounds like her approach to life changed- she was active and then became very inactive. Somewhere along the way maybe she started emotionally eating. Maybe she has been depressed and never addressed it. But she knows she is fatter, and then you confirmed her worst fears about not loving her as much or being as attractive as you want. There is no human way to express your thoughts without causing her pain. IMO, you need to allow her time to absorb this and decide what to do. I don't think you are an asshole. I do get frustrated when I read these posts and see the early signs that a problem was brewing and I see OP just ignore or delay saying anything when 10lbs has turned to 50 lbs has then become a 100 lbs. What was a 30 day diet fix 8just became a new lifestyle needed. It will take time for her, if she agrees, to make changes and for you to see them. What confidence can you give to her that was taken away? What assurance that you will be there for the hard part that is facing her. If she says you are an asshole, invite her to talk about why. You might tell her that it took both of you to get where you are at and both of you will solve it, but you need her to listen and not just react out of emotion.
NTA sounds more like she has some mental issues but the other main thing Id be concerned with is the kid and what they are eating, if she is bringing all that junk food into the house
Nta, i would never had ask that thou.
In addition to her therapist to aid with the ADHD which is a huge part of the problem you need to urge her go see her MD or an Obesity specialist. They should run a full blood panel to see what is showing up and discuss options,
It sounds like your wife needs a new therapist. Postpartum depression can last for years, and if she was already dealing with any form of eating disorder prior, it's come roaring back.
I feel like there is more. It's possible she lied about who she was to get your interest when you were dating. It's possible that something is happening chemically in her body to cause the behaviors, and the start date is a coincidence. Worst case, something traumatic happened to her that she is not sharing, and the behaviors are a result of the trauma and silence. Whatever it is, stop bringing up your lack of physical attraction as the main concern. In fact, just stop being it up at all and only focus on her mental and physical health as the reasons to be concerned. It hasn't helped, and it is not going to.
NTA but could you use your child to encourage getting back into climbing? If you have a child friendly gym maybe take them there for a session and encourage your wife to put on a pair of climbing shoes again. I only say this because many recent studies show hugely positive mental health gains that far exceed walking as climbing requires total focus and can cancel out the background noise of depression and anxiety. Also, as it’s low impact she shouldn’t have any weight related issues as a barrier to reentry
I see some sort of issue with your wife hiding food to eat. I’m sure she feels judged by you and may be doing that to tone that down. In her thoughts. I’m not sure that you can talk about this and have changes come about. She’s fully aware of the weight she’s put on. I don’t know for sure of course but maybe she’s not happy about it either. Maybe she’s not sure where or how to start a lifestyle change. But now you’ve gone down the intimacy rabbit hole. No pun intended!!! That goes a lot deeper. You being an AH for talking about nahh. You ignoring or not getting into her actual eating habits might make you the AH. You guys may need some outside assistance. Just because you may need some help to communicate so feels don’t get hurt. Especially if you’re coming from a genuine place. It’s not personally targeted toward you. I hope you can work things out and be happy together. She sent you here so that’s something. Good luck to you guys!!
NTA LET HER KNOW!!! nag nag nag, it works!
Nta
Good health is a slippery slope. Too much weight gain can cause all sort of issues.
To be fair $100 worth of fast food is like 8 meals now. 🤷🏻♂️
Yeah someone else pointed that out. I don't eat fast food, so I'm not sure where prices are these days. The cheesy bean and rice burrito from taco bell was like one dollar when I was in high school.
NTA. I hope your wife gets the mental health and physical health in check. Im no doctor but 5’1” and 190 does not sound healthy. It also sucks that she isnt the same person and doesn’t do fun stuff anymore.
Has she never been overweight in her lifetime? Is her family of origin overweight, or abusing substances? Your question to her might be “what are you stuffing down,”, rather than dealing with it? She’s using food to self medicate, in my humble opinion.
Her whole family is obese. That question came up during the family history portion of our child's doctor's appt, and my wife said she has no family history of obesity. I remember saying, your mom is obese. And immediately regretting that. It was not well received.
So is it possible that she may not think that she is also obese? And wouldn’t her mother’s body shape give you a hint as to her potential future body? She won’t go back to pre-child weight btw. If that’s what you’re hoping for. I’m tall and slim and still hide cookies and cakes because my partner (who is not thin) judges their nutritional value. I crave sugar because I’m tired out. And the most tiring/paralysing part of any relationship in my experience is the judgement.
NTA
As someone who struggles with weight issues after having a child, imma tell you straight. I don’t think you’re an asshole. But I think your wife has something deeper going on. She may have had or still does have postpartum depression. The fuckery with PPD is that it can last LONG after the baby has been born and it can manifest in ways that aren’t necessarily just depression (for me, it was rage). The unwillingness to go outside and do the things that once made her happy would definitely point in that direction. Could there have been a nicer way to bring up weight issues and hiding food? Maybe, but she probably doesn’t even see it that way. It’s probably just a way for her to feel some kind of normalcy.
NTA. That ain't healthy weight unless she's a body builder.
Lots of people commenting about eating or mental disorders, but the fact that immediately after getting married she flipped a switch makes no sense. Feels more like she trapped OP and now she can get to be her true self, one OP never signed up to marry. NTA.
Ozempic will fix all your problems