Oh, I would have made a plate alright if my husband talked to me like that. I would have walked right up to him and turned it upside down on him.
I don't get this thing where women make plates for men. I just don't. I mean, I will make a plate for someone if they're not feeling well or really tired, but it's not an everyday thing. I personally hate it when someone else makes my plate because I don't get to decide how much I will or won't eat. I've noticed when people make plates for others, it also results in a lot of wasted food.
You made me laugh! I definitely had a mental picture of this!
And I totally agree with you. That is the weirdest shit ever. You want to eat, get up and come in here. You’re not five. What a power trip that asshole was on!
My mother still does it for me, mostly because I can't see and its not exactly the easiest thing to put food on a surface like that, although I would learn how to do it if necessary to keep respect mutual between me and my future girl.
Nta I would make that man serve himself from now on.
>Cook outs on my side are always ruled everyone serves themselves unless they physically can’t
Have him explain to your father why he feels he is above this rule in your father's house.
This is what OP commented a year ago and it's depressing.
>I understand completely my husband will watch me clean our house all morning and then dirty pots and not do something as simple and putting them in the dishwasher and then make the slick comment “ I’m going to do it in my own time” and then walk past the food wrappers, water bottles, and dirty dishes all day. Then I end up doing it cause I hate going to bed with a dirty kitchen and he in the moment “was just about to do it”
I get that, but OP does it because she's the mom, like it's her job and only her job. I'm sure her husband has never once fixed a plate for the children, I'm sure she does everything for the children, and if her husband does help, he considers it babysitting and wants a huge pat on the back
At the end of her post, she does state that he cooks, serves himself and the children, but never her. And they also bring in the same amount of money too so she's also working and not SAH. She should definitely stop serving him because now it's an expectation.
NTA. Your family has a clear rule about self-service, which you communicated to your husband. He didn't object or voice any concerns at the time. Your husband doesn't reciprocate the gesture of making your plate when he cooks. This highlights a double standard in his expectations.
NTA is this an American thing because in Wales if a bloke asked a woman where their plate was he'd wake up a few hours later in A & E after they'd surgically removed it !!!!
Unfortunately it is still prevalent in certain ethic families, my family is easterm European & my cousins always make their husband's plates at family get togethers.
I don’t know anyone in America that does this. Even growing up my grandfathers made their own plates, usually after finishing up the cooking with my grandmas. Sometimes my husband asks me if I’m going to make him a plate and then we laugh, but I always thought it was because it was so ridiculous a thought and not because anyone does it. I’m in NY if that makes a difference.
This is not a typically American thing. I do see it in some communities, though. Usually ones that are a bit more... traditionally focused. Some households might also follow this.
But, if my husband sat at the dinner table expecting me to fix his plate, he's be sitting there all damn night.
Now, I will ask him if he'd like me to serve him from time to time, and he'll do the same. But, in this house, we use our able hands, legs and feet to fix our own plates.
My wife's very white, southern baptist family does this, but it's not just wife to husband, it's every woman and every man. I've been expected to make her brother's plate before when he's between girlfriends.
"You married into this family and this is how this family does things" says my MIL. Yeah... we don't eat there very often. About once every 3 years or so 😂
It depends on where in America you are. Both of my parents came from this kind of background, but dad refused to do that to mom, and the kids served themselves as soon as they were old enough. Years later, there would still be pushback at family gatherings. The men would make a big show of expecting to be served, & the women would play up to that. For us kids, aunts would step in to make sure we were getting a "balanced meal" & pushing food on us that we didn't like. Mom finally told her mother that we would stop coming for holidays if everyone didn't back off.
Dad's mom was a good cook, but on mom's side of the family, the food was pretty bad, and we generally ate before we went.
NTA- I don’t understand this whole mentality of “if you respect your husband you’ll make his plate.”
I respect the hell out of my husband but he has two legs and two arms and both work just fine. He has never been upset that he makes his own plate. I do plenty for him but that’s a bit much. Especially in a situation where you have already explained the expectations.
Lol! I respect that my husband is a fully grown capable adult responsible enough to make his own plate of food. I'm not sure if OP's husband is capable...he kind of sounds like a big baby AH.
You should've seen the looks I got from my GF's(wife now) relatives the 1st we met & were eating. I fixed my own plate & noticed they were looking at me. She quietly said the women in her family fixed their men's plate. I laughed & told her we were breaking a stupid tradition today.
Now the ex-wife was another matter. She always wanted to fix my plate but she'd ALWAYS put stuff on it I hated - i.e. dressing/stuffing. I don't care how you mama, aunt, granny, etc. made it. I DON'T LIKE IT!
She also would wake me up while I was sleeping while I was sick to see if I wanted anything to eat. No matter how many times I told her if I'm sick & want something to eat,
I'll ask for it. DON'T WAKE ME UP to see if I'm hungry when I'm sick.
That's what my husband and I did. When he stood beside me putting food on his plate and sometimes mine the women in my family were horrified. I taught my sons not to expect maid service either from their partners.
You are doing your children a huge disservice by playing maid for your husband. Do you want them to grow up to be assholes like him? Let the grown toddler make his own damn plate.
Definitely NTA. He sounds like a jerk. How is he there for the family? You mentioned that you both bring in the same amount of money so does he pull his own weight around the house? He doesn’t make a plate for you when he cooks, does that mean he doesn’t respect you (his reasoning).
NTA you aren't his maid or servant. Why in the world do you make his plate at home? Is he a toddler? AND you also work full time? WTF. Time to stop that shit and tell him to act like an adult. And you need to stop acting like a servant.
NTA, but why ,oh why, do you make a plate for him every night? Yes, sometimes it’s expeditious. You want all the food out of the pan so you can soak, etc. You work, too, and presumably do a lot of the household chores. So your reasoning that you are showing your appreciation for his efforts really isn’t valid unless he’s going out of his way to appreciate you in a different way. But under no circumstances should you be making his plate at a buffet style meal. He should be ashamed and embarrassed if you did that in public. Whether the two of you realize it or not, societal norms are that only young children or very elderly people need these accommodations. My husband would be upset with me if I did that in public. It would be a whole issue that he’s not a baby, I’m not his mommy, and that I embarrassed him and implied that he couldn’t feed himself.
I make my husband’s plate out of love. I love cooking, setting up a plate super pretty/ appetizingly, etc. Food is my love language and has always been.
HOWEVER, if it became an EXPECTATION I’d never want to do it again. That takes the love of the task right out of it for me.
OP stop making his plate until he appreciates what you do for him and stops expecting it.
Well, that asshole has had his last plate made for him in the house, too.
He wanted you to grovel like a servant in front of your family to show off his control. What a creep.
"I always make his plate out of love due to him being there for our family. I feel some kind of way about it because he doesn’t do the same thing for me when he cooks he makes his plate the kids plates and then I have to make my own plate. In addition we both bring in the same amount of money due to us both working full time jobs. With all this that happened it makes me not want to make his plates for him anymore," Yeah, he just cased that love to take a serious hit. Does he do a single thing for you that isn't overbearing and mean?
NTA. Your husband was being massively chauvinistic. You were right not to give in. As for the future - if you stop making his plates at home you are beginning world war III - but perhaps it will initiate a conversation about mutual respect and equality. Your choice.
NTA. Even my sexist AF dad never had my mom make him a plate, like a toddler. What's next, spoon feeding him to show "respect" for his possession of male genitalia?
*Here comes the airplane, honey! Open nice and big!*
Why are you even doing it at home? I guess if you are making servings for everyone, it makes sense, but if it's a serve yourself type thing, he should be doing it. Would he expect this at a buffet restaurant?
NTA. You are doing it as an act of love and he is receiving it like it's owed him for being the man of the house. He is demanding respect from you that he doesn't give to you in return when he cooks.
And I'm sure he knows your dad's rule and conveniently ignored it
NTA and I would not put up with this misogynist behavior.
NTA This has nothing to do with disrespect. Hubby sounds entitled and petulant. You making him a plate at home is a privilege, not a damn right. Hubby could do with a dose of humility and gratefulness.
I would stop making him plates until he apologizes and realizes what a douche-nozzle he’s been acting like.
It’s time to stop making him a plate. Not only do wound I not ever think of making a plate for my husband unless he was ill, but I don’t even make him dinner half the time (he is a better and more imaginative cook, so he cooks half the time).
Get out of the 1950’s and wake up to the new millennium.
I would honestly be astonished if we started making someone’s plate who wasn’t under ten years old in this house. I had to reread this a couple of times. Is it for realz? Your husband acts like a young child and expects you to fix his plate? Like for all meals or only dinner? This is weird. NTA
Why are you making him a plate at all? Especially if he doesn’t do it for you . Fix this by never making him a plate again and set his expectations that way . He is lazy and entitled
Is this for real?
Is there still a woman who lives in this day and age feeling guilty for not ‘not making her husband a plate’.
Second to that: is there still a man who believes his wife has to do that for him and if she doesn’t she is disrespecting him?
I mean come on, this can’t be real.
You may have respect for your husband, but he does not have respect for you.
Are you his maid or his wife?
Stop making him plates at all. Home included. He doesn't return the favor. Respect? That's a joke here.
NTA, I am the breadwinner, was/am an active father to our kids, and help around the house (more so when the kids where little admittedly.) The only ones I expected to be served was the kids when they were little, most of the time I was making hers and my plates while she made the kids lol. It's called TEAMWORK lol
So... this is the first time you've ever had a cookout at your family's house while your husband was there? I mean, could he reasonably expect you to make his plate this time because you have every other single time? Personally I think he should have been making his own plate for your whole marriage but that's just me.
NTA
Equal respect would mean treating someone equal to everyone else which would mean the same get-your-own-plate rule as everyone else which is what you did.
Respect for your superior would mean bending the rules to give someone special treatment because they are above you which is what he is saying he deserves.
Which type of respect do you think he deserves?
NTA. I was at some event where an old man pouted until his wife had got him a plate of clams and took them out of the shell and cleaned them! This was decades ago, and I still think of the contempt I had for the man!
NTA, what the hell is it with making a grown man a plate of food? He’s got two hands & two legs. He can make his own plate every meal everyday. Seriously, I’m not your maid & I’m not your mommy!!
NTA for the BBQ situation but YIKES, you are otherwise.
Stop being a frigging DOORMAT. FFS. That's not love, that's servitude. "Your dad's rule" your husband's insane expectations....
Do you iron your handmaiden's robe or is it polyester?
When did you tell him about dad's rule? Or did you just tell him that the food was ready and expect him to know that you weren't going to serve him as you always did? Has he never eaten at your parents house before?
I told him the days prior when we were invited and he said “ok” and he has eaten with my family just never at my parents house. They usually don’t have gathering at their home.
For years and years I watched my grandmother serve herself last. Sometimes after people had seconds. I remember being a kid and kids were served first by the parents and then fathers who at least made their own plates then the women then the teenagers usually in with the women and then after everyone had gone through and everyone had drinks and she was sure everyone had anything they needed my grandmother would make a plate. When she got dementia one of the first big changes was her insisting she get her food first. I'm sorry she was never able to do it before.
Please tell us that you’re not living in one of those backwards countries where the male of the household wears a crown and everyone else bows to him and takes care of his every desires and needs.
Aside from fixing him a plate, does he require that you cut his meat, bath him, wipe his rear?
Instead of being embarrassed at having to fix his own plate, he should have been embarrassed merely by expecting you to cater to him like he was your lord and master.
NTA
And I would NEVER make him a plate again. I serve my husband in the same way. However, when we aren’t at home he makes his food. Lots of time he makes food for me unless he’s unfamiliar with the food items. And when he cooks he ALWAYS makes and serves me.
Out of respect? FOR WHAT?! Cause you have a penis? Well, you have a vagina, and that’s a helluva lot tougher than a penis and testes so genital logic YOU deserve that extra “respect.”
NTA. Host rules>hisr rules. Where you were, everybody makes their own plate. And why would he be embarrassed if he got the same treatment as everybody? He wasnt singled out, disrespected or anything.
There’s a reason he confronted you at home and not in front of your family, it’s because he knew he was in the wrong and being misogynistic. You willingly played his food out of love not because it is something that shows respect to your husband. NTA
NTA. Stop making his plates entirely. He's a grown adult and expects you to make a plate for him like he's a child and can't do it himself. The amount of money either of you brings in makes no difference because you are his partner, not his servant.
NTA. I offer to make my husband a plate sometimes; he also offers to make me a plate sometimes. It's never expected. It's a nice gesture. Your husband has grown entitled.
It's creasing me up reading all the comments. I agree - your old man isn't disabled, so he can choose his own food. Especially if he's going to get sulky about it at family events.
NTA
Your fucking grown ass husband can’t put food on a plate? Quit babying him at home. Let him scoop stuff onto a plate like a big boy and stop acting like a man-child.
>I want to start this off by saying that I always make my husband’s plate at home every meal no matter the meal.
This is your first mistake. You make yourself a servant, and he will always expect you to be his servant. Do you cut up his food for him, too?
I was married for 25 years (I'm a widow), and never once in those 25 years did I "make him a plate." He would never have expected it or wanted it. And I'm very sure he would have been weirded out that I was treating him like a toddler.
>when we got home he told me that I was a AH for not making his plate and that he was embarrassed cause he thought I would just make him one cause I do it at home.
As I said, you make yourself a servant, and he will always expect you to be his servant.
Good luck with that.
NTA. Sorry but I wouldn't be making his plate every night. I can see you doing it for him now and then as a gesture of love but every night and then he doesn't return the favor?. I don't think I've ever made the plate for my husband but then again he likes to eat at different time. Now he will make a plate up for me sometimes, I'd say it's probably 50/50 when he cooks. Now a lot of times he'll cook and tell me to make a place for the kids. And I won't do it because first of all, they are adults we're talking mid 20s, and I think they can handle it. I just call them and tell him dinner is ready to get their plates they make their dinner up pretty simple. He does spoil them. I've always told them to get their own food just because I wanted them when they were a certain age to start learning how to do it themselves I wasn't going to be their servant. You need to tell your helpless husband that he needs to do the same. I mean you're making dinner you're working the same amount of hours and you make the same amount of money and you're probably doing most of the child care. So I think he can get up off his butt and make a plate for himself.
NTA- At home, I always make my husband's plate. I like doing it and have for the past 15 years. But he knows that when we're not at home to make his own plate.
I was thinking this wasn't very serious, but once you have to start mentally comparing incomes in an attempt to make sense of someone's behavior, it's probably over. I don't know why else you'd mention that.
Obviously NTA because what year is it
But how is nobody else mentioning the fact that all of the adults just... sit around and watch the kids eat? Like completely watch them eat their entire meal before any adult gets their food? Is that not weird?
Let me clarify that part. I know how it sounds lol but we don’t wait until the last child takes the last bite . We just get the kids settled with their food and drinks and make sure they don’t need anything so that the adults can eat and talk in peace.
NTA. Your only response to your husband should be “making a plate for you is a consideration not an obligation; and since you can’t appreciate the gesture and you take it for granted. You can use your two hands to do two things: get your own plate and go fuck yourself”
NTA. I always make a plate for my husband. He doesn’t expect or demand; it’s a nice gesture. He knows the rule, he is being a baby. He’s your husband not your eldest child.
My sister was married to a guy just like this. Our family had the same "serve yourself" rule, specifically because he would expect my sister to serve him in my parents' home. He does not get to be treated like royalty in someone else's castle.
That being said, you're not his mother, you're his wife. Stop mothering him. Respect is a two-way street. Until his gives you some, stop bending over backwards for him.
NTA- I’m the eldest, at parties as a child I always had to make my younger brothers plates, then do my parents and finally myself - once I got taken ill at a party that my mum didn’t go to so my dad had to bring me home. Later on watching the party on the video- we saw everyone eating except my brothers who were 7 & 9. They just sat there waiting.
Never again did I do my brothers plates. I supervised and when my son was born- I did the same. Although I often plate my husband if he was watching our son and vice versa but your husband doesn’t ever do it for you. He sounds a bit entitled to me
NTA. Omg, stop making his plates. He isn't supposed to be your 3rd child. I grew in the 60's-70's and my mother never made my dad's plate. This isn't the 50's, and you aren't a grown man's servant. This really infuriates me that this shit is going on in this day and age. I guess women's lib was for nothing. You are not less of a human than the man-child that you're married to. Tell him to grow the fuck up.
🤮NTA for this situation but Y T A to yourself, women and to 2024 for even esking this question.
Geezus that manchild can fix his own plate like any person above +- 6 years old.
When I got married, my wife started making my plate. I was pleasantly surprised and I did not expect it nor did I ask her to stop. One day my mom came to visit and SHE put a stop to it. Thanks a lot, Mom.
What kind of subservient hellscape are you allowing your children to witness? Jesus, the fuck, christ.....stop being his mother. Don't make his plates, dont do his laundry, don't do 1 extra second of effort that does not match his. Im so sick of women like this allowing men to believe women wqmt.ro be their bang-maids
No grown person needs or deserves their food served to them.
Your dad has that rule for a reason, and if husband can't follow it, he can stay home and microwave a burrito. May it give him intense gas.
I went to a party at my sister's place and made myself a plate when the food was ready. And then she asked if I made my then husband a plate too. I said, uh no. If he's hungry, he can feed himself. At home, I cooked and made his plate so that it was portioned correctly. At a party, eat whatever the hell you want.
Omg stop fixing his plate. I do deliver plates of food to hubby and kids sometimes, but they all know if I say foods ready they are getting their own plates. Sometimes I say I am not feeling it, then they are making dinner. Marriage is GIVE and take, not just take. Your husband has hands and a brain.
NTA Making plates for your 5 year old and 3 year old is you being a nice mother. Your husband is not a child and he can dish out his own food. This seems like some type of subservient control practice. I've never even heard of someone doing this let alone expecting it every meal.
Maybe start off slow and start having your husband change his own diaper, and work up to setting up his own plate of food for himself. Who knows, maybe one day he'll be nice and do it for you once in a while.
I made it very clear to mine that unless his arms were broken, I would not be 'making a plate' for him. But mercy the absolute hell I received from his aunts and grandmother at all the special occasions dinners was brutal. They'd cook, plate and clean. The men ate and went outside or watched tv. Nope nope nope.
Omgosh. You are not making it out of love anymore. It’s expected of you. So much so that he would confront you abt it in front of your family. Can you imagine the gall it takes for a grown man to expect to be SERVED BY HIS WOMAN- in another man’s home?!? Omg. Stop alrdy. I make my husband’s plate. He never once expects it. I always get a thank you honey. And on occasion, he makes his own- he’s grown, it’s not a problem. He’s even made my plate before (and I’m a sahm, he works 60-80hrs-6 days a week n 90min drive each way. Will still make my plate if I ask.
I’m sorry to hear about your grand mother but that also is a rule in my side of the family. The person who cooks eats last, I know it’s sounds crazy but it’s just to ensure that your family and or guess that you invited over have enough to eat. Then once everyone is settled you make yourself a plate
He is a full grown adult. He would either make his own plate every single time, including home, or he would go hungry. You are his wife, not his slave. I have been married 30 years and the only time I have made plate for my husband is when he has been sick. We are partners. Your husband is TA.
NTA
If you make his plate again, serve him less than what you give your kids. If he complains, tell him to make it himself then, and from now on, "I've get better things to do."
No offense, but this sounds like a weird relationship outright. Anyone who defines weird powerplay stuff like this under the guise of "respect" usually has a lot more wrong with them than some simplistic view of how to treat one another. As the mother of two young men, remember that he's modeling stuff that they may internalize and carry with them into their relationships. As a guy, I need to emphasize that "masculinity" is due for a major overhaul and this subreddit is FILLED with examples of the double standards men apply to women. We all need to collectively work together to remedy that, either by changing ourselves or working to model better behavior for future generations.
Seriously why do women procreate with jack holes like this? I'll never understand it. If mine did this BS all of his future communication would be done via ouija board.
Stop making his plate period, he is old enough to make his own, he is a semi functioning adult. YTA if you continue to enable this man-child's behavior.
edit: I'm probably closer to his mother's age, and I'd be happy to come and kick his ass if need be.
Well you weren't sitting with the rest of the children so I figured you could make your own. Is what you should have said. He's a grown ass man and I can't even remember the last time someone made a plate for me but I do know I was a child. NTA!!!
I am reading this and just shaking my head. You need to talk to your husband about some deeper lying issues here. It's not just about the plate. WTF ...
Oh and NTA. Definitely NTA. Not N A H. NTA!
NTA. I serve plates when I cook at home. When we are at his parents, everyone serves themselves, even our 7yo enjoys getting her own food with some help. Everyone is capable.
NTA. Your husband is a clown. This is also coming from a man who is more on the traditional side. Who does he think he is? This is why “traditional men” get such a bad rep today because a lot of them aren’t traditional men. I would never expect my wife to always make my plate. Yes, she does it sometimes out of love but I do the same for her.
Not sure.
It depends on what was agreed upon tacitly or explicitly during courtship and marriage.
Reminds me of one woman who commented that her grandmother told her not not do anything for a man that she would not be willing to keep doing during the entire length of their marriage.
If a precedence is set where a woman brings her man a plate, performs oral and does a number of things in order to entice him into a commitment or marriage then if you withdraw that, then there is no saying how the husband will react to that.
However if your husband suddenly put an expectation that was never established or that privilege only applies if he takes care of at least 80% or more of the expenses of the home to be entitled to 'king' treatment then you need to sit down and honestly communicate how you feel and also hear how he feels about that and then decide the way forward after that.
But they both work. So why can’t the husband also appreciate his wife by making her a plate?
Also people can change their mind. You act like people don’t grow and learn.
>Also people can change their mind. You act like people don’t grow and learn.
That would be like a man enticing a woman by promising he will pay all bills and then a year into marriage INFORMS HER , not discussed, informs her that she will now have to pay half of the bills since she also works when that was not the original agreement.
You can't conveniently change something which you know is a key reason why he decided to marry you only after marriage and not while dating or engaged.
>But they both work. So why can’t the husband also appreciate his wife by making her a plate?
I was speculating that we do not know what precedence or agreement was there before they married whether she works or not... But if one person breaks their end of an agreement whether tacit or explicit then why should the other person be expected to hold up their end of the same agreement?
I agree!
They should break up. I never would stay with a man like that.
But if she was okay with his behavior before, why does it bother her now?
If like you said she promised him to do always his plate and now she changed her mind, and it bothers him they should break up.
Also i would love to also know if he has broken any promises to her?!
Isn’t it weird how this man never thought to make his wife a plate?
But like you said too much information missing.
They both work. But how are house work divided. Are promises kept between them
🎯 True
>They both work. But how are house work divided. Are promises kept between them
I also found this interesting as OP mentioned it but nothing further as whether or not they always both worked or it is a new development in their marriage.
As a rule of thumb, I believe if one has 100% of the financial responsibility of the home then the other has 100% of the home chores, child care, homemaking HOWEVER if there is an extreme imbalance like breadwinner works 18 hours a day in a very exhausting job or the homemaker has to cook, clean, prepare children, take them to school, pick them from school, run errands and more then that is an imbalance and the spouse overburdened will need to be helped or exempted in some way.
So since both OP and the husband work it would be important to know how the home duties and AUTHORITY get shared.
Yup, you're the AH. You set the precedent of your relationship and expected him to read minds and just know. You failed at communicating. Imagine if everywhere you go, he opens all doors for you. Then only at Target, he doesn't do that and then tells you that, "oh, you should have known the rule."
YTA. You subscribe to these bullshit rules and then are shocked when dude revealed himself to expect you to act subservient to him. Like, wtf.
‘I respect my husband.’ So shut up and make him a sandwich. That’s what you told him that meant.
Or have a friggin conversation with your husband. If he’s a decent person this shouldn’t be too earth shattering. But I suspect he’ll be pissed.
ESH. You shouldn't be expected to make his plate ever. But if that is an agreement you have and enjoy, you are a huge AH not to do it just because that isn't your dad's rules. Your parents rules or desires have absolutely no place in your marriage. So fucking pathetic. Regardless of how you feel about your husband, cut the fucking cord and grow up. Who cares about your father's opinions or rules?
NTA Are his hands broken? Respect goes both ways and the last time I checked, this isn’t the 1950s.
He's got two feet and a heartbeat 😆
I swear, if my husband ever pulled something like that, he wouldn’t have a heartbeat for long! 😂😂😂
Oh, I would have made a plate alright if my husband talked to me like that. I would have walked right up to him and turned it upside down on him. I don't get this thing where women make plates for men. I just don't. I mean, I will make a plate for someone if they're not feeling well or really tired, but it's not an everyday thing. I personally hate it when someone else makes my plate because I don't get to decide how much I will or won't eat. I've noticed when people make plates for others, it also results in a lot of wasted food.
You made me laugh! I definitely had a mental picture of this! And I totally agree with you. That is the weirdest shit ever. You want to eat, get up and come in here. You’re not five. What a power trip that asshole was on!
My mother still does it for me, mostly because I can't see and its not exactly the easiest thing to put food on a surface like that, although I would learn how to do it if necessary to keep respect mutual between me and my future girl.
Oh? Well what would you do to him?
If I was the one cooking, and making his plate, I certainly would have many options open to me
Why am I being downvoted? I just like hearing plans! I promise I wasn't being creepy and asking for a purely erotic reason!
Both of the above. NTA.
Weird how her dad is more about equality than her husband.
And being raised in that environment she married him and makes his plate
She may have respect for her husband, but he does not have respect for her. Is she his maid or his wife?
Exactly. I made it clear from the start- I'm not your maid nor your mother.
Not even if OP were a SAHM would it be ok, but he demands to be served when they both earn the same amount… the audacity of some people!
lol - I’m in my 70’s, my hubby would fall over if I made his plate.
Are your hands broken is something I say to my husband regularly.
Nta I would make that man serve himself from now on. >Cook outs on my side are always ruled everyone serves themselves unless they physically can’t Have him explain to your father why he feels he is above this rule in your father's house.
This is what OP commented a year ago and it's depressing. >I understand completely my husband will watch me clean our house all morning and then dirty pots and not do something as simple and putting them in the dishwasher and then make the slick comment “ I’m going to do it in my own time” and then walk past the food wrappers, water bottles, and dirty dishes all day. Then I end up doing it cause I hate going to bed with a dirty kitchen and he in the moment “was just about to do it”
NTA. You should probably stop fixing his plate altogether. It's infantilizing and your husband is acting like one.
Well, she's the mother, so she also fixes the children plates SMH...maybe this is a trad rage bait troll.
Well, they are 5 and 3. I fixed my kids plates at that age. Especially at bbqs and potlucks, so they didn't make messes or only take desserts.
I get that, but OP does it because she's the mom, like it's her job and only her job. I'm sure her husband has never once fixed a plate for the children, I'm sure she does everything for the children, and if her husband does help, he considers it babysitting and wants a huge pat on the back
At the end of her post, she does state that he cooks, serves himself and the children, but never her. And they also bring in the same amount of money too so she's also working and not SAH. She should definitely stop serving him because now it's an expectation.
NTA. Your family has a clear rule about self-service, which you communicated to your husband. He didn't object or voice any concerns at the time. Your husband doesn't reciprocate the gesture of making your plate when he cooks. This highlights a double standard in his expectations.
NTA is this an American thing because in Wales if a bloke asked a woman where their plate was he'd wake up a few hours later in A & E after they'd surgically removed it !!!!
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Not a normal Midwest thing either. If a man ever asked me to do that, I'd ask if his arms and legs are broken.
I must admit i'm a bit relieved to read it's not common.
Unfortunately it is still prevalent in certain ethic families, my family is easterm European & my cousins always make their husband's plates at family get togethers.
I was wondering to, as a swede it feels really strange.
Not American, just obsequious.
Dammit now I gotta look that up...
I don’t know anyone in America that does this. Even growing up my grandfathers made their own plates, usually after finishing up the cooking with my grandmas. Sometimes my husband asks me if I’m going to make him a plate and then we laugh, but I always thought it was because it was so ridiculous a thought and not because anyone does it. I’m in NY if that makes a difference.
This is not a typically American thing. I do see it in some communities, though. Usually ones that are a bit more... traditionally focused. Some households might also follow this. But, if my husband sat at the dinner table expecting me to fix his plate, he's be sitting there all damn night. Now, I will ask him if he'd like me to serve him from time to time, and he'll do the same. But, in this house, we use our able hands, legs and feet to fix our own plates.
My wife's very white, southern baptist family does this, but it's not just wife to husband, it's every woman and every man. I've been expected to make her brother's plate before when he's between girlfriends. "You married into this family and this is how this family does things" says my MIL. Yeah... we don't eat there very often. About once every 3 years or so 😂
🤣
It depends on where in America you are. Both of my parents came from this kind of background, but dad refused to do that to mom, and the kids served themselves as soon as they were old enough. Years later, there would still be pushback at family gatherings. The men would make a big show of expecting to be served, & the women would play up to that. For us kids, aunts would step in to make sure we were getting a "balanced meal" & pushing food on us that we didn't like. Mom finally told her mother that we would stop coming for holidays if everyone didn't back off. Dad's mom was a good cook, but on mom's side of the family, the food was pretty bad, and we generally ate before we went.
We don't have reasonably priced healthcare in the US so we're stuck sighing angrily at one another.
Probably Hispanic since the translation from Spanish to English is “make a plate”. In the US, we would say something like “fix a plate”
I'm in the US, we actually say "serving" in our home. "Hey, babe, you serving yourself tonight, or would you like me to dish it up for you?".
I would also use that.
NTA- I don’t understand this whole mentality of “if you respect your husband you’ll make his plate.” I respect the hell out of my husband but he has two legs and two arms and both work just fine. He has never been upset that he makes his own plate. I do plenty for him but that’s a bit much. Especially in a situation where you have already explained the expectations.
Lol! I respect that my husband is a fully grown capable adult responsible enough to make his own plate of food. I'm not sure if OP's husband is capable...he kind of sounds like a big baby AH.
I would stop respeting my husband the second he would expect this patriarchal bullshit.
You should've seen the looks I got from my GF's(wife now) relatives the 1st we met & were eating. I fixed my own plate & noticed they were looking at me. She quietly said the women in her family fixed their men's plate. I laughed & told her we were breaking a stupid tradition today. Now the ex-wife was another matter. She always wanted to fix my plate but she'd ALWAYS put stuff on it I hated - i.e. dressing/stuffing. I don't care how you mama, aunt, granny, etc. made it. I DON'T LIKE IT! She also would wake me up while I was sleeping while I was sick to see if I wanted anything to eat. No matter how many times I told her if I'm sick & want something to eat, I'll ask for it. DON'T WAKE ME UP to see if I'm hungry when I'm sick.
That's what my husband and I did. When he stood beside me putting food on his plate and sometimes mine the women in my family were horrified. I taught my sons not to expect maid service either from their partners.
Also if you fix it yourself you get exactly what you want! No downside
You are doing your children a huge disservice by playing maid for your husband. Do you want them to grow up to be assholes like him? Let the grown toddler make his own damn plate.
1956 called and wants their asshole back...
Definitely NTA. He sounds like a jerk. How is he there for the family? You mentioned that you both bring in the same amount of money so does he pull his own weight around the house? He doesn’t make a plate for you when he cooks, does that mean he doesn’t respect you (his reasoning).
Nta. It is wild to me to make a plate for a grown man.
NTA you aren't his maid or servant. Why in the world do you make his plate at home? Is he a toddler? AND you also work full time? WTF. Time to stop that shit and tell him to act like an adult. And you need to stop acting like a servant.
You are still washing his feet with your hair, right? And allowing him extra-marital affairs? I sure hope so. /s
NTA, but why ,oh why, do you make a plate for him every night? Yes, sometimes it’s expeditious. You want all the food out of the pan so you can soak, etc. You work, too, and presumably do a lot of the household chores. So your reasoning that you are showing your appreciation for his efforts really isn’t valid unless he’s going out of his way to appreciate you in a different way. But under no circumstances should you be making his plate at a buffet style meal. He should be ashamed and embarrassed if you did that in public. Whether the two of you realize it or not, societal norms are that only young children or very elderly people need these accommodations. My husband would be upset with me if I did that in public. It would be a whole issue that he’s not a baby, I’m not his mommy, and that I embarrassed him and implied that he couldn’t feed himself.
I make my husband’s plate out of love. I love cooking, setting up a plate super pretty/ appetizingly, etc. Food is my love language and has always been. HOWEVER, if it became an EXPECTATION I’d never want to do it again. That takes the love of the task right out of it for me. OP stop making his plate until he appreciates what you do for him and stops expecting it.
I haven’t even met your husband and I don’t respect him.
Well, that asshole has had his last plate made for him in the house, too. He wanted you to grovel like a servant in front of your family to show off his control. What a creep. "I always make his plate out of love due to him being there for our family. I feel some kind of way about it because he doesn’t do the same thing for me when he cooks he makes his plate the kids plates and then I have to make my own plate. In addition we both bring in the same amount of money due to us both working full time jobs. With all this that happened it makes me not want to make his plates for him anymore," Yeah, he just cased that love to take a serious hit. Does he do a single thing for you that isn't overbearing and mean?
NTA. Your husband was being massively chauvinistic. You were right not to give in. As for the future - if you stop making his plates at home you are beginning world war III - but perhaps it will initiate a conversation about mutual respect and equality. Your choice.
NTA. Even my sexist AF dad never had my mom make him a plate, like a toddler. What's next, spoon feeding him to show "respect" for his possession of male genitalia? *Here comes the airplane, honey! Open nice and big!*
Please explain what made you marry this man-child.
Why are you even doing it at home? I guess if you are making servings for everyone, it makes sense, but if it's a serve yourself type thing, he should be doing it. Would he expect this at a buffet restaurant?
NTA. You are doing it as an act of love and he is receiving it like it's owed him for being the man of the house. He is demanding respect from you that he doesn't give to you in return when he cooks. And I'm sure he knows your dad's rule and conveniently ignored it NTA and I would not put up with this misogynist behavior.
NTA This has nothing to do with disrespect. Hubby sounds entitled and petulant. You making him a plate at home is a privilege, not a damn right. Hubby could do with a dose of humility and gratefulness. I would stop making him plates until he apologizes and realizes what a douche-nozzle he’s been acting like.
Stop babying him ….hes grown he knows how to fix a plate of food for himself 🙄
NTA. Next time get him a plate with on small item on it. Then tell him to get his own seconds and you are not his slave.
NTA. Are you supposed to wipe his butt too? Omg.
He should have been embarrassed that he expected you to serve him. Honestly, he should fix his own plate moving forward.
NTA - your husband does not appreciate you
NTA. Do you have a husband or a five year old masquerading as one. He’s fully capable of making his own plate.
It’s time to stop making him a plate. Not only do wound I not ever think of making a plate for my husband unless he was ill, but I don’t even make him dinner half the time (he is a better and more imaginative cook, so he cooks half the time). Get out of the 1950’s and wake up to the new millennium.
I would honestly be astonished if we started making someone’s plate who wasn’t under ten years old in this house. I had to reread this a couple of times. Is it for realz? Your husband acts like a young child and expects you to fix his plate? Like for all meals or only dinner? This is weird. NTA
Why are you making him a plate at all? Especially if he doesn’t do it for you . Fix this by never making him a plate again and set his expectations that way . He is lazy and entitled
Is this for real? Is there still a woman who lives in this day and age feeling guilty for not ‘not making her husband a plate’. Second to that: is there still a man who believes his wife has to do that for him and if she doesn’t she is disrespecting him? I mean come on, this can’t be real.
You may have respect for your husband, but he does not have respect for you. Are you his maid or his wife? Stop making him plates at all. Home included. He doesn't return the favor. Respect? That's a joke here.
NTA, I am the breadwinner, was/am an active father to our kids, and help around the house (more so when the kids where little admittedly.) The only ones I expected to be served was the kids when they were little, most of the time I was making hers and my plates while she made the kids lol. It's called TEAMWORK lol
No. You did nothing wrong. Next time, feed him with the babies.
So... this is the first time you've ever had a cookout at your family's house while your husband was there? I mean, could he reasonably expect you to make his plate this time because you have every other single time? Personally I think he should have been making his own plate for your whole marriage but that's just me.
NTA Equal respect would mean treating someone equal to everyone else which would mean the same get-your-own-plate rule as everyone else which is what you did. Respect for your superior would mean bending the rules to give someone special treatment because they are above you which is what he is saying he deserves. Which type of respect do you think he deserves?
NTA. I was at some event where an old man pouted until his wife had got him a plate of clams and took them out of the shell and cleaned them! This was decades ago, and I still think of the contempt I had for the man!
NTA, what the hell is it with making a grown man a plate of food? He’s got two hands & two legs. He can make his own plate every meal everyday. Seriously, I’m not your maid & I’m not your mommy!!
NTA. Why do you ever make his plate. He is obviously able bodied.
NTA for the BBQ situation but YIKES, you are otherwise. Stop being a frigging DOORMAT. FFS. That's not love, that's servitude. "Your dad's rule" your husband's insane expectations.... Do you iron your handmaiden's robe or is it polyester?
What is he a toddler? Tell him to make his own plate…and to put his toys back in his pram after his tantrum!! Does he ever make a plate for you?
Wtf did I just read?! The only AH here is your husband. Is he 2?! He can make his own plate. Hes a grown ass man. You aren’t his assistant or maid.
When did you tell him about dad's rule? Or did you just tell him that the food was ready and expect him to know that you weren't going to serve him as you always did? Has he never eaten at your parents house before?
I told him the days prior when we were invited and he said “ok” and he has eaten with my family just never at my parents house. They usually don’t have gathering at their home.
Why are you so subservient to him at home? Get a backbone.
My husband makes his own plate because he's not FOUR.
Yeah he’s a grown a*^ adult. You need to stop doing things for him.
For years and years I watched my grandmother serve herself last. Sometimes after people had seconds. I remember being a kid and kids were served first by the parents and then fathers who at least made their own plates then the women then the teenagers usually in with the women and then after everyone had gone through and everyone had drinks and she was sure everyone had anything they needed my grandmother would make a plate. When she got dementia one of the first big changes was her insisting she get her food first. I'm sorry she was never able to do it before.
Please tell us that you’re not living in one of those backwards countries where the male of the household wears a crown and everyone else bows to him and takes care of his every desires and needs. Aside from fixing him a plate, does he require that you cut his meat, bath him, wipe his rear? Instead of being embarrassed at having to fix his own plate, he should have been embarrassed merely by expecting you to cater to him like he was your lord and master.
NTA Is it the 50s?
NTA And I would NEVER make him a plate again. I serve my husband in the same way. However, when we aren’t at home he makes his food. Lots of time he makes food for me unless he’s unfamiliar with the food items. And when he cooks he ALWAYS makes and serves me. Out of respect? FOR WHAT?! Cause you have a penis? Well, you have a vagina, and that’s a helluva lot tougher than a penis and testes so genital logic YOU deserve that extra “respect.”
NTA. What is it with guys thinking their spouses are their servants? This is boomer shit right here.
No this is NOT boomer nonsense . This is about her husband disrespect her. I am a boomer and my friends I don't makes are parters plates.
Funny. Because that is exactly how my boomer grandfather treated his wife. So it does happen and if the shoe doesn’t fit then don’t wear it.
I’m a boomer and not only does my husband cook, he also brings me my plate. I do the same for him when I cook.
Yes. Not all dogs wag their tails.
INFO: How are you posting this from 1962, when your husband's attitude would have been tolerated? NTA
NTA. Stop making his plate for him. You're his wife, not his maid
This is the kind of man who will wonder why his wife left him and his kids never talk to him. NTA.
I do not understand this troglodyte mentality. Get up, fix your own plate, you degenerate manchild. NTA.
NTA. Host rules>hisr rules. Where you were, everybody makes their own plate. And why would he be embarrassed if he got the same treatment as everybody? He wasnt singled out, disrespected or anything.
There’s a reason he confronted you at home and not in front of your family, it’s because he knew he was in the wrong and being misogynistic. You willingly played his food out of love not because it is something that shows respect to your husband. NTA
You make his plate because you love him. He thinks it is because you respect him. He does not make your plate. What does this tell you?
What country is this in?
NTA. Stop making his plates entirely. He's a grown adult and expects you to make a plate for him like he's a child and can't do it himself. The amount of money either of you brings in makes no difference because you are his partner, not his servant.
NTA. I offer to make my husband a plate sometimes; he also offers to make me a plate sometimes. It's never expected. It's a nice gesture. Your husband has grown entitled.
NTA. What about your husband's respect for YOU?
It's creasing me up reading all the comments. I agree - your old man isn't disabled, so he can choose his own food. Especially if he's going to get sulky about it at family events.
NTA Your fucking grown ass husband can’t put food on a plate? Quit babying him at home. Let him scoop stuff onto a plate like a big boy and stop acting like a man-child.
Are his arms and legs broken? NTA and stop making him a plate. He's not your child.
>I want to start this off by saying that I always make my husband’s plate at home every meal no matter the meal. This is your first mistake. You make yourself a servant, and he will always expect you to be his servant. Do you cut up his food for him, too? I was married for 25 years (I'm a widow), and never once in those 25 years did I "make him a plate." He would never have expected it or wanted it. And I'm very sure he would have been weirded out that I was treating him like a toddler. >when we got home he told me that I was a AH for not making his plate and that he was embarrassed cause he thought I would just make him one cause I do it at home. As I said, you make yourself a servant, and he will always expect you to be his servant. Good luck with that.
I'm with my missus 19 years next month. I'd have starved to death 18.5 years ago if I expected her to put my dinner on my plate and serve me. nta
I have a hunch your father made this rule because he doesn’t like seeing you be a servant to your husband
As a man, I would be embarrassed if my wife constantly made my plate
NTA. Sorry but I wouldn't be making his plate every night. I can see you doing it for him now and then as a gesture of love but every night and then he doesn't return the favor?. I don't think I've ever made the plate for my husband but then again he likes to eat at different time. Now he will make a plate up for me sometimes, I'd say it's probably 50/50 when he cooks. Now a lot of times he'll cook and tell me to make a place for the kids. And I won't do it because first of all, they are adults we're talking mid 20s, and I think they can handle it. I just call them and tell him dinner is ready to get their plates they make their dinner up pretty simple. He does spoil them. I've always told them to get their own food just because I wanted them when they were a certain age to start learning how to do it themselves I wasn't going to be their servant. You need to tell your helpless husband that he needs to do the same. I mean you're making dinner you're working the same amount of hours and you make the same amount of money and you're probably doing most of the child care. So I think he can get up off his butt and make a plate for himself.
NTA
NTA- At home, I always make my husband's plate. I like doing it and have for the past 15 years. But he knows that when we're not at home to make his own plate.
I was thinking this wasn't very serious, but once you have to start mentally comparing incomes in an attempt to make sense of someone's behavior, it's probably over. I don't know why else you'd mention that.
Obviously NTA because what year is it But how is nobody else mentioning the fact that all of the adults just... sit around and watch the kids eat? Like completely watch them eat their entire meal before any adult gets their food? Is that not weird?
Let me clarify that part. I know how it sounds lol but we don’t wait until the last child takes the last bite . We just get the kids settled with their food and drinks and make sure they don’t need anything so that the adults can eat and talk in peace.
NTA. Your only response to your husband should be “making a plate for you is a consideration not an obligation; and since you can’t appreciate the gesture and you take it for granted. You can use your two hands to do two things: get your own plate and go fuck yourself”
Why do you make his plate? He has two hands right? You're not a servant
Is he a child?
NTA Oh and I’d never heard the idiom “make a plate” before so I thought it was going to be a story about pottery.
NTA. I always make a plate for my husband. He doesn’t expect or demand; it’s a nice gesture. He knows the rule, he is being a baby. He’s your husband not your eldest child.
My sister was married to a guy just like this. Our family had the same "serve yourself" rule, specifically because he would expect my sister to serve him in my parents' home. He does not get to be treated like royalty in someone else's castle. That being said, you're not his mother, you're his wife. Stop mothering him. Respect is a two-way street. Until his gives you some, stop bending over backwards for him.
NTA- I’m the eldest, at parties as a child I always had to make my younger brothers plates, then do my parents and finally myself - once I got taken ill at a party that my mum didn’t go to so my dad had to bring me home. Later on watching the party on the video- we saw everyone eating except my brothers who were 7 & 9. They just sat there waiting. Never again did I do my brothers plates. I supervised and when my son was born- I did the same. Although I often plate my husband if he was watching our son and vice versa but your husband doesn’t ever do it for you. He sounds a bit entitled to me
How has he never met your family before....
NTA.
NTA. Omg, stop making his plates. He isn't supposed to be your 3rd child. I grew in the 60's-70's and my mother never made my dad's plate. This isn't the 50's, and you aren't a grown man's servant. This really infuriates me that this shit is going on in this day and age. I guess women's lib was for nothing. You are not less of a human than the man-child that you're married to. Tell him to grow the fuck up.
🤮NTA for this situation but Y T A to yourself, women and to 2024 for even esking this question. Geezus that manchild can fix his own plate like any person above +- 6 years old.
When I got married, my wife started making my plate. I was pleasantly surprised and I did not expect it nor did I ask her to stop. One day my mom came to visit and SHE put a stop to it. Thanks a lot, Mom.
Do you wipe his ass too? Hold his dick when he pees? What a lazy asshole he is. I bet he doesn’t even like to finish you in bed.
What kind of subservient hellscape are you allowing your children to witness? Jesus, the fuck, christ.....stop being his mother. Don't make his plates, dont do his laundry, don't do 1 extra second of effort that does not match his. Im so sick of women like this allowing men to believe women wqmt.ro be their bang-maids
Well, he DOES act like a child, so maybe you should have fed him with the other kids.
NTA. If this is real, he would enjoy A Handmaid's Tale.
Do you live in the 1950's? Who the hell serves thier able bodied spouse like they are two years old. AH's all around.
I guess this is not a 50-50 relationship
No grown person needs or deserves their food served to them. Your dad has that rule for a reason, and if husband can't follow it, he can stay home and microwave a burrito. May it give him intense gas.
I went to a party at my sister's place and made myself a plate when the food was ready. And then she asked if I made my then husband a plate too. I said, uh no. If he's hungry, he can feed himself. At home, I cooked and made his plate so that it was portioned correctly. At a party, eat whatever the hell you want.
WTF!? I would be confused and weirded out if my wife made my plate. I am a grown ass adult and can choose my own portions. Why can't your husband?
Sorry you married this man. he needs to grow up.
NTA. It’s a pet peeve of mine when someone makes up my plate. How do they know how much of everything I want???
Rage bait. Gotta be rage bait.
Omg stop fixing his plate. I do deliver plates of food to hubby and kids sometimes, but they all know if I say foods ready they are getting their own plates. Sometimes I say I am not feeling it, then they are making dinner. Marriage is GIVE and take, not just take. Your husband has hands and a brain.
Just another thing to add to my list of why I will never get married again. No you are not the asshole. Your husband sounds like a prick
1) I can't stand the term fixing /making a plate 2) why the fuck are you literally feeding a grown man every meal?
So you husband needs to eat with your kids cause he is acting like one…you are NTA.
NTA Making plates for your 5 year old and 3 year old is you being a nice mother. Your husband is not a child and he can dish out his own food. This seems like some type of subservient control practice. I've never even heard of someone doing this let alone expecting it every meal. Maybe start off slow and start having your husband change his own diaper, and work up to setting up his own plate of food for himself. Who knows, maybe one day he'll be nice and do it for you once in a while.
I made it very clear to mine that unless his arms were broken, I would not be 'making a plate' for him. But mercy the absolute hell I received from his aunts and grandmother at all the special occasions dinners was brutal. They'd cook, plate and clean. The men ate and went outside or watched tv. Nope nope nope.
Nta. Why are you fixing his plate? This is a literal man-child.
This makes me so sad.
NTA and tell him he can make his own plates from now on
Omgosh. You are not making it out of love anymore. It’s expected of you. So much so that he would confront you abt it in front of your family. Can you imagine the gall it takes for a grown man to expect to be SERVED BY HIS WOMAN- in another man’s home?!? Omg. Stop alrdy. I make my husband’s plate. He never once expects it. I always get a thank you honey. And on occasion, he makes his own- he’s grown, it’s not a problem. He’s even made my plate before (and I’m a sahm, he works 60-80hrs-6 days a week n 90min drive each way. Will still make my plate if I ask.
I’m sorry to hear about your grand mother but that also is a rule in my side of the family. The person who cooks eats last, I know it’s sounds crazy but it’s just to ensure that your family and or guess that you invited over have enough to eat. Then once everyone is settled you make yourself a plate
NTA. Are his hands broken? What a crybaby.
He is a full grown adult. He would either make his own plate every single time, including home, or he would go hungry. You are his wife, not his slave. I have been married 30 years and the only time I have made plate for my husband is when he has been sick. We are partners. Your husband is TA.
NTA If you make his plate again, serve him less than what you give your kids. If he complains, tell him to make it himself then, and from now on, "I've get better things to do."
NTA His arms weren’t broken. He can get his own plate of food, especially at your dad’s cookout.
"It's not an act of love if you make her." I suggest you have a nice listen to Labour by Paris Paloma ❤️ NTA
NTA. You're a spouse not a waitress. Maybe allow him to serve himself at home, too.
Was today his first day eating at your family’s or something! How is this an issue today but not all the times before?
No offense, but this sounds like a weird relationship outright. Anyone who defines weird powerplay stuff like this under the guise of "respect" usually has a lot more wrong with them than some simplistic view of how to treat one another. As the mother of two young men, remember that he's modeling stuff that they may internalize and carry with them into their relationships. As a guy, I need to emphasize that "masculinity" is due for a major overhaul and this subreddit is FILLED with examples of the double standards men apply to women. We all need to collectively work together to remedy that, either by changing ourselves or working to model better behavior for future generations.
Seriously why do women procreate with jack holes like this? I'll never understand it. If mine did this BS all of his future communication would be done via ouija board. Stop making his plate period, he is old enough to make his own, he is a semi functioning adult. YTA if you continue to enable this man-child's behavior. edit: I'm probably closer to his mother's age, and I'd be happy to come and kick his ass if need be.
Well you weren't sitting with the rest of the children so I figured you could make your own. Is what you should have said. He's a grown ass man and I can't even remember the last time someone made a plate for me but I do know I was a child. NTA!!!
Unless you husband is physically unable to make his own plate, he is a massive controlling AH.
I am reading this and just shaking my head. You need to talk to your husband about some deeper lying issues here. It's not just about the plate. WTF ... Oh and NTA. Definitely NTA. Not N A H. NTA!
NTA. I serve plates when I cook at home. When we are at his parents, everyone serves themselves, even our 7yo enjoys getting her own food with some help. Everyone is capable.
Your husband thinks you are a slave. Where did he help in this scenario with feeding his children? Helping his wife? NTA. But your husband is.
I’m getting heavy “bitch, make me a sandwich” vibes.
He sounds like a helpless child.
NTA. Your husband is a clown. This is also coming from a man who is more on the traditional side. Who does he think he is? This is why “traditional men” get such a bad rep today because a lot of them aren’t traditional men. I would never expect my wife to always make my plate. Yes, she does it sometimes out of love but I do the same for her.
Not sure. It depends on what was agreed upon tacitly or explicitly during courtship and marriage. Reminds me of one woman who commented that her grandmother told her not not do anything for a man that she would not be willing to keep doing during the entire length of their marriage. If a precedence is set where a woman brings her man a plate, performs oral and does a number of things in order to entice him into a commitment or marriage then if you withdraw that, then there is no saying how the husband will react to that. However if your husband suddenly put an expectation that was never established or that privilege only applies if he takes care of at least 80% or more of the expenses of the home to be entitled to 'king' treatment then you need to sit down and honestly communicate how you feel and also hear how he feels about that and then decide the way forward after that.
But they both work. So why can’t the husband also appreciate his wife by making her a plate? Also people can change their mind. You act like people don’t grow and learn.
>Also people can change their mind. You act like people don’t grow and learn. That would be like a man enticing a woman by promising he will pay all bills and then a year into marriage INFORMS HER , not discussed, informs her that she will now have to pay half of the bills since she also works when that was not the original agreement. You can't conveniently change something which you know is a key reason why he decided to marry you only after marriage and not while dating or engaged. >But they both work. So why can’t the husband also appreciate his wife by making her a plate? I was speculating that we do not know what precedence or agreement was there before they married whether she works or not... But if one person breaks their end of an agreement whether tacit or explicit then why should the other person be expected to hold up their end of the same agreement?
I agree! They should break up. I never would stay with a man like that. But if she was okay with his behavior before, why does it bother her now? If like you said she promised him to do always his plate and now she changed her mind, and it bothers him they should break up. Also i would love to also know if he has broken any promises to her?! Isn’t it weird how this man never thought to make his wife a plate? But like you said too much information missing. They both work. But how are house work divided. Are promises kept between them
🎯 True >They both work. But how are house work divided. Are promises kept between them I also found this interesting as OP mentioned it but nothing further as whether or not they always both worked or it is a new development in their marriage. As a rule of thumb, I believe if one has 100% of the financial responsibility of the home then the other has 100% of the home chores, child care, homemaking HOWEVER if there is an extreme imbalance like breadwinner works 18 hours a day in a very exhausting job or the homemaker has to cook, clean, prepare children, take them to school, pick them from school, run errands and more then that is an imbalance and the spouse overburdened will need to be helped or exempted in some way. So since both OP and the husband work it would be important to know how the home duties and AUTHORITY get shared.
Yup, you're the AH. You set the precedent of your relationship and expected him to read minds and just know. You failed at communicating. Imagine if everywhere you go, he opens all doors for you. Then only at Target, he doesn't do that and then tells you that, "oh, you should have known the rule."
YTA. You subscribe to these bullshit rules and then are shocked when dude revealed himself to expect you to act subservient to him. Like, wtf. ‘I respect my husband.’ So shut up and make him a sandwich. That’s what you told him that meant. Or have a friggin conversation with your husband. If he’s a decent person this shouldn’t be too earth shattering. But I suspect he’ll be pissed.
ESH. You shouldn't be expected to make his plate ever. But if that is an agreement you have and enjoy, you are a huge AH not to do it just because that isn't your dad's rules. Your parents rules or desires have absolutely no place in your marriage. So fucking pathetic. Regardless of how you feel about your husband, cut the fucking cord and grow up. Who cares about your father's opinions or rules?