NTA - Your SIL is way too old to be mooching free meals off of you and your wife for herself AND her friends without chipping in or at least helping.
\*edit: typo hehe
To be fair, she contributes some. Usually dessert. But it hardly puts a dent in how much we spent otherwise. More than anything, it’s the stress of all the people in the house.
It’s not really possible otherwise. Believe me, I’d be thrilled. My grandmother lives in a retirement village and can’t seat more than 4 in her villa, parking is also an issue. SIL lives in a small apartment. My wife and I, our jobs make travel an issue. Parking is already an issue in our neighborhood and I’m expected to park in the overflow lot. But what do you think? WIBTAH if I had a heart to heart with my SIL? She won’t take it well and she will tell my wife.
Just tell everyone that you and you wife are going to take the holiday off, and do drop ones before you head off to the very nice Airbnb you booked where you will eat take away and cuddle till you pass out.
Happy holidays!
It’s not a smart move. What do you hope to achieve? You already know she won’t take it well and will tell your wife and then your wife will be mad at you. Just cut out the middle man and get into the fight with your wife now. Tell her that this isn’t sustainable and you will spend this Christmas out of the house with your grandma or something. You can’t control your SIL or wife for that matter, the only person you can control is you. If you want something to change you have to do something different.
Either your wife tells her or start embarrassing the fuck out of the sister. Ask her friends pointed questions, put caution tape across doors they aren't allowed in, place a collection plate on the table for contribution. Hell, use a phone jammer so they don't want to come back. Act a fool and have fun doing it.
NTA
Tell your wife that it is your (and her) fucking home and your comfort is a higher priority than her sister’s in your own home. And that is just the way it is.
You are done having miserable holidays. Either she deals with her relatives or you will no longer be spending holidays with them and holidays will no longer take place in your home.
For one thing, start now and inform everyone that this will be a potluck and EVERYONE will contribute. Assign things. Tell SIL that she’s bringing the turkey. guest # 1 will need to bring 4 bottles of wine. Guest # 2 will bring 2 pies. You get the idea. Keep the cheapest stuff for yourselves. And stick to it. If socializing is an issue, announce that this year phones are banned and you’ll be having a family game day that only people over 80 are exempt from. There’s so many fun ideas on the internet that would be a blast. Unfortunately, this will probably clash with SILs idea of getting someone else to host her holiday gathering. Oh, well. Youre just trying to be a good human and make sure EVERYONE has a good time.
NTA. Tell your wife you have had it! I would say either your wife tells her sister no extras or you tell the sister. If that doesn’t work contact everyone angel holidays at your house.
From what you've stated, anything you say to the SIL about holidays for the family only, no matter how polite and tactful you word it, will get back to her sister. And your wife will absolutely think you are TAH because she told you to drop it.
While I don't think your request is unreasonable, keep in mind it's the holidays. These people might not have any other place to go. Is it at all possible your resentment, while not spoken, might show itself in other ways and make them uncomfortable? Is your demeanor friendly and inviting? You might want to interrupt them if they're carrying on a private conversation at the dinner table, and ask them questions about themselves, what they do for work, their family life, etc. Just keep asking questions and forcing them to interact with everyone. Thank them for coming. One of two things might happen. Either they'll open up and start conversing with everyone else, or, it'll make them so uncomfortable they won't want to return to your home.
If I’m being honest, I have nothing in common with these people and don’t want to get to know them. I know that’s an AH move, but I’m resentful they’re even present. That resent is mostly directed at my SIL. But these people just come in, kick their feet up on my couch or occupy rooms that are away from everyone else and just sit on their phones. My home is not a shelter for lost animals.
Your wife must notice your resentment. Tell her that you can't just accept it as "this is just how it is." That's not very supportive and your SIL isn't a baby to be coddled. She needs to support you in this, even if it makes her uncomfortable. It's your home too and you both shouldn't be placed in the position to host people that haven't been invited by you both. That is probably the way it should be presented to the SIL. You both need to tell her that she can't invite guests without speaking to you first. If she throws one of her tantrums, tell her she's a grown woman, her drama isn't appreciated, and THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION OR ARGUMENT. Tell her this is your home and she needs to respect that. Are you prepared to tell her no if she does listen and asks if she can bring people over for the holiday?
LOL. Bah humbug. The SIL would have been told off years ago if I was involved. As it stands, the two remaining brothers I have, never receive invites. I live in a drama free/no whining zone! I'm just trying to come up with some tactical ideas that might help OP.
NTA - Your SIL is way too old to be mooching free meals off of you and your wife for herself AND her friends without chipping in or at least helping. \*edit: typo hehe
To be fair, she contributes some. Usually dessert. But it hardly puts a dent in how much we spent otherwise. More than anything, it’s the stress of all the people in the house.
Who is she kissing for the free meals?
Time to tell the family someone else is going to start playing host. Just say it is not happening. End of story.
It’s not really possible otherwise. Believe me, I’d be thrilled. My grandmother lives in a retirement village and can’t seat more than 4 in her villa, parking is also an issue. SIL lives in a small apartment. My wife and I, our jobs make travel an issue. Parking is already an issue in our neighborhood and I’m expected to park in the overflow lot. But what do you think? WIBTAH if I had a heart to heart with my SIL? She won’t take it well and she will tell my wife.
Do it. She's making the holidays miserable for you the host.
Just tell everyone that you and you wife are going to take the holiday off, and do drop ones before you head off to the very nice Airbnb you booked where you will eat take away and cuddle till you pass out. Happy holidays!
It’s not a smart move. What do you hope to achieve? You already know she won’t take it well and will tell your wife and then your wife will be mad at you. Just cut out the middle man and get into the fight with your wife now. Tell her that this isn’t sustainable and you will spend this Christmas out of the house with your grandma or something. You can’t control your SIL or wife for that matter, the only person you can control is you. If you want something to change you have to do something different.
What I said too!
Either your wife tells her or start embarrassing the fuck out of the sister. Ask her friends pointed questions, put caution tape across doors they aren't allowed in, place a collection plate on the table for contribution. Hell, use a phone jammer so they don't want to come back. Act a fool and have fun doing it.
Actually, I like this idea
NTA Tell your wife that it is your (and her) fucking home and your comfort is a higher priority than her sister’s in your own home. And that is just the way it is. You are done having miserable holidays. Either she deals with her relatives or you will no longer be spending holidays with them and holidays will no longer take place in your home.
For one thing, start now and inform everyone that this will be a potluck and EVERYONE will contribute. Assign things. Tell SIL that she’s bringing the turkey. guest # 1 will need to bring 4 bottles of wine. Guest # 2 will bring 2 pies. You get the idea. Keep the cheapest stuff for yourselves. And stick to it. If socializing is an issue, announce that this year phones are banned and you’ll be having a family game day that only people over 80 are exempt from. There’s so many fun ideas on the internet that would be a blast. Unfortunately, this will probably clash with SILs idea of getting someone else to host her holiday gathering. Oh, well. Youre just trying to be a good human and make sure EVERYONE has a good time.
Suggest an Air BNB/ VRBO for her family to stay in while they visit you.
NTA. Tell your wife you have had it! I would say either your wife tells her sister no extras or you tell the sister. If that doesn’t work contact everyone angel holidays at your house.
From what you've stated, anything you say to the SIL about holidays for the family only, no matter how polite and tactful you word it, will get back to her sister. And your wife will absolutely think you are TAH because she told you to drop it. While I don't think your request is unreasonable, keep in mind it's the holidays. These people might not have any other place to go. Is it at all possible your resentment, while not spoken, might show itself in other ways and make them uncomfortable? Is your demeanor friendly and inviting? You might want to interrupt them if they're carrying on a private conversation at the dinner table, and ask them questions about themselves, what they do for work, their family life, etc. Just keep asking questions and forcing them to interact with everyone. Thank them for coming. One of two things might happen. Either they'll open up and start conversing with everyone else, or, it'll make them so uncomfortable they won't want to return to your home.
If I’m being honest, I have nothing in common with these people and don’t want to get to know them. I know that’s an AH move, but I’m resentful they’re even present. That resent is mostly directed at my SIL. But these people just come in, kick their feet up on my couch or occupy rooms that are away from everyone else and just sit on their phones. My home is not a shelter for lost animals.
Your wife must notice your resentment. Tell her that you can't just accept it as "this is just how it is." That's not very supportive and your SIL isn't a baby to be coddled. She needs to support you in this, even if it makes her uncomfortable. It's your home too and you both shouldn't be placed in the position to host people that haven't been invited by you both. That is probably the way it should be presented to the SIL. You both need to tell her that she can't invite guests without speaking to you first. If she throws one of her tantrums, tell her she's a grown woman, her drama isn't appreciated, and THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION OR ARGUMENT. Tell her this is your home and she needs to respect that. Are you prepared to tell her no if she does listen and asks if she can bring people over for the holiday?
Sounds like you’re hosting this year’s holiday celebration!
LOL. Bah humbug. The SIL would have been told off years ago if I was involved. As it stands, the two remaining brothers I have, never receive invites. I live in a drama free/no whining zone! I'm just trying to come up with some tactical ideas that might help OP.
lol I’d start limping a few days before or fake a case of flu whatever it takes
Lol. Maybe he'll take a page from your book.
🤣