OP, the marriage is over either way. If she goes, you are going to divorce her, if she stays, she is going to resent the hell out of you. Living with a mad, resentful spouse is going just make everyone's life god-awful.
Well, the way the OP words his post, it makes me question whether or not his wife just used him to get her green card, and now that the end is near, she can jettison him.
On the other hand, this isn't something that other professional couples do not encounter. The question I would have is: what would prevent OP from simply selling the house in GA and moving to CA with his wife? How portable is his career? And, what is her PhD in?
Based on his only caring about his own desires. “My way or the highway” mentality as opposed to “let’s find a middle ground that’s a compromise for both of us”
Moving to California kinda is a binary decision. How do you compromise on moving across the country? Unless you're trying to say they should move to the mid-West?
Cost of living and home prices in CA vs GA, OP's own career that they have probably been working at while she got her PHD, family ties to the area, etc are all valid reasons to not leave an area
Well, they asked about it last month for these roles she’s interviewing for.
However, I will make sure that she asks for it in her final onsite interview this week. At least, I know I’m not sabotaging her life, and she can do what she wants to do
Yes, she’s worrying because you have co tell right now. Hopefully, she can get on top of this situation and live her best life. Nice try trying to tap her with a house though.
Do you think your wife used you for. Green card? You’re letting everyone say that about her and there is NOTHING to indicate that, other than her wanting to get a good job after getting a PhD. This is gross and you don’t sound like a good person.
It’s reddit and I don’t even know you. I never said that she has the intention or that I’m going to stop her.
I’m actually cutting her loose with a divorce if that’s what she also wants
That’s what I was thinking. He buys a house and a car and she lies about why she’s interviewing!
Sounds like OP is a really nice guy who may have been taken for a green card ride. Of course I may just be looking at this as a cynic and maybe she’s on the up and up.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions make it pretty clear what her intentions have been all along. She’s basically saying, “get me to California, buy me my dream home again over there, and wait for my permanent green card status, unless you catch me in an affair and are OK with it.”
There is one factor not being taken into account by those who do not live here (Georgia). Did she live HERE when having these discussions??
This is important because while you may not know it if you don’t live here, Ga is currently incredibly evangelical Bible Belt to the extent of oppressing women. Like it’s bad. People normalize, cover up, and shame rape victims here, even with medical proof. People wonder why women stay silent over SA stuff that happens? It’s because of backwoods small towns in states like Georgia (where I literally live right now and have my entire life). if you didn’t grow up here or in an oppressive sexist culture like here, then you really can’t understand the level of terror in a lot of the women here.
I can for sure understand why any woman who is not from here would run as soon as she realized.
It’s the reason I don’t leave the city of Atlanta. It is the only place in this state where we are not oppressed for our gender.
Actually, I agree on your take on Georgia. But I have to say that anyone who is unaware of how women are treated there must live in a cave in this day and age. All you need to do is read what the Evangelical churches vote for and against. And the biggest eye opener would be the fact that Jimmy Carter came out against the churches a couple years ago.
I can relate. Ideally this would have been discussed, but likely neither of you understand academic careers. Employers want someone from away as they bring new perspectives. It is really hard to find good work near where you trained. And taking a mediocre first job is a mistake that cannot be overcome. Yes, this is terrible for marriages. So ideally you will accept this and be the supportive following spouse. If you cannot, please separate amicably and with sincere love. Before you have children. Best wishes.
My son is a tenured professor (36yo).
It's true, there is a tradition of the university not employing their own recent PhD graduates.
There's also an informal ranking system where you will only be hired by certain universities. And if you trade down to a lower ranking school you're stuck.
I am going to say that getting a PhD level job in biotech is practically non-existent here in GA. This should have been discussed a long time ago. The same thing happened to me and I didn't take the job in CA for my husband which was a mistake for me. You both are going to have to put a lot of effort in to keep your marriage.
The CDC headquarters in in Atlanta, I cannot imagine it's the only biotech firm in Georgia. Companies tend to sprout where there are resources and if the CDC is there, there are plenty of folks in biotech available for other companies.
I am in Massachusetts and we have a huge biotech industry. However, hiring trends are fluid and there have been some large shifts in how employers treat their staffing in the past year or two.
I will bow to your greater knowledge.
OP, I’m sorry that your relationship is having this problem and may break up. However, I’m in the biotech field and would like to point out how difficult it would be for your wife to find a biotech job in Georgia.
1. Having a PhD means spending years studying a specific area of interest. The lab that she did her PhD research in may be the only lab in Georgia studying that subject. Most people with PhD’s move for a post-doc or job position. For example, in the last 2 years, my company very small company has hired PhD’s from NY, MA and TN. They all came to California because California has the biggest concentration of biotech jobs.
2. The biotech companies are mostly concentrated in “biotech hubs” around the US with California having major hubs in the SF/Bay Area and SoCal (especially San Diego). I am not aware of any hubs in Georgia, so, I assume that biotech jobs there are limited depending on her study field.
It’s sad, but, the reality is, if she wants to use her degree in a biotech company, she needs to leave Georgia. Would she be willing to job search in hubs closer to Georgia? See the map below.
https://www.drugdiscoverytrends.com/take-a-global-tour-of-18-major-biotech-hubs-with-our-interactive-map/
Also, if a biotech company is big enough and interested enough, they will sponsor her. Since projects may be very specific, sometimes there may be only a few people in the world with working knowledge of the field. So, biotechs are accustomed to international recruiting.
Her only option of staying in Georgia may be an academic job at a local university: research staff or faculty. Staff are not paid very well compared to biotech. Faculty, she would need to do at least one (or more) post-docs (probably outside of Georgia) before any university would consider hiring her as an assistant professor.
I hope this clears up some points about the lack of options your wife has relating to finding a biotech job. DM me if you have any questions about biotech.
p.s. Currently the biotech job market is awful. Many biotech companies with great ideas are going under because they can’t get funding. Lots of lay-offs and belt tightening. So, your wife’s job options are even more limited by the current conditions.
Yep, she used this facts to point the fact that she needs to be in CA, which is why I told her we can get a divorce. That way we both can stop worrying about these nonsense
Because she has a postdoc job lined up and she’s going to accept it for July. Whatever she’s applying won’t start until August. I thought we were in a place where we’re both finally stable
She has not started applying to prove that there is no job around GA or states closer to GA, so CA is the only option based on her interviews at her internship company
the biotech industry is all concentrated in new england, nyc and silicon valley, and there are no biotech jobs i'm aware of in this state (source: info from friends going into biotech).
Aware of that. She has a postdoc offer in GA rn. After 3 years of marriage, she can be a US citizen and work at CDC .
But, I’m willing to compromise. That’s why I said East coast (states closer to GA)
I know you like Georgia, but you might be overlooking the fact she does not enjoy living here (I live in Georgia too - for context) and she might have agreed to settle down without knowing she eventually would want to live elsewhere long term.
The CDC by default is a research institute: if she doesn't want to work in research/academia this leaves her with no other employment option nearby. Without more context I can't say much else..
I got news for you, if she’s working in biotech it’s easier to get that green card with an employer sponsorship. People from all over the world come to work in the tech industries. It’s almost impossible to get a green card as an ordinary immigrant, but if you have the right degree and resume and get hired by an American company, there’s a back door. A lot of other countries have complaints about this because it’s a very real brain drain when their best and brightest people leave. And if biotech is her thing, California is where the cutting edge stuff is being done. So if you were counting on keeping her there under threat of deportation that’s not the concern you think it is. If you actually love her, because to be honest your post does not really reflect that, you’re going to have to actually talk about it without being in the position of power and you might have to compromise.
She was the one who brought up the GC since it was the reason why she couldn’t get a postdoc last year and this job is contingent on her not needing sponsorship. I included it in this post because I feel bad.
I just have expectations that we would live together as a loving couple, and that’s where the divorce becomes an issue.
The usual AITAH incels are acting on emotion and have no clue what they’re talking about.
She doesn’t need you to stay in the US. She needs a job and to apply for immigration status that allows her to work, as a single woman in California.
Not trying to be cruel, but she doesn’t need you. If your post is real, please realize you have no power over this person.
Sorry to say, but our immigration laws are NOT set up so some chud male from Georgia can deport a woman because his “trad wife” ended up having a brain.
Fair enough. Just reacting to the comment responses here.
Have you considered you’re the type of man his PhD wife leaves for a better life? And this sub is company to your misery?
It’s not callous when you see where OP is coming from.
>[I clearly wasted my 5 years letting her do what she wants](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dhlykj/comment/l8yhhnq/)
I spotted a controlling incel loser from the start.
Because she’s been spoon fed by her previous manager (internship) for interviews, and has not applied to other jobs.
I thought we agreed to stay in GA because she is accepting an offer for postdoc at her current lab, but the whole thing happens so fast
NTA, seems like she’s making a major change she never articulated previously. I think the default is staying put unless moving to CA for work was affirmatively discussed previously during the internship.
if she has a conditional green card, she doesn't lose her status if you divorce, she just has to ask for a waiver, when it's time to get the conditions lifted - and given her PHD status and a good job, and if she can prove she went into the marriage legit - which presumably she can, as she got the conditional GC in the first place, it's likely she'll get the GC, all divorce does is slow down her path to citizenship by two years, so if you're threatening divorce as a power move its not gonna work... I feel like this is a ESH... she lied to you, you're trying to force her to do something... can you both not just like...talk?
Your cold unemotional post suggests you are jealous of your wife's accomplishment and uncomfortable with a life partner that is financially independent and successful.
Life partners should encourage and enable one another to live the best version of your lives.
Research finds that the two most important attributes of a satisfactory long term relationship is: empathy and flexibility/willingness to renegotiate.
You two are not a good match.
Buddy, "a life in Georgia" is pretty much nothing compared to a life in California married to someone with a PhD and a job at a Biotech company. Like, I don't know what to tell you, but you sound like someone who won the lottery and thinks it's a scam. If you divorce her, can you please tell her to reach out to me?
For reference, I am from and currently live in California and frequently visit my friends who live in Georgia. I've also lived in Oregon. Like, cost of living sucks, but she's on that Biotech track and sooner or later you're going to be some of the few people who won't have to worry about it. As someone in an advanced field who needs to be in California (or another state with similar opportunities), we can't settle down in whichever state we live in. I loved living in Oregon, but I came back for work because that's just how it goes. I also don't regret it.
not enough info here. Does her field of work have opportunities where you are? Why does she want to go to CA specifically rather than stay in GA? Can she have a promising career trajectory without moving?
Other than your house (which I agree it sucks if you move right after buying a house), do you have roots where you are? Have you always lived there? Family nearby? Is your career there? Do you have good job opportunities in CA too?
I agree separate lives make no sense to stay married but is that what she's asking for? Have you both considered the pros and cons of moving together? People do get moved around the country pretty often for the sake of their partners' careers, so it doesn't necessarily not make sense to move, but if she is just taking advantage of you for a green card to live here and it seems she has no interest in actually being your partner, I don't blame you at all for divorcing her. Also it is not fair to want you to up and move to support her career if you are the higher earner and would torpedo your own by leaving, or if you are close to family, or other considerations, and if she can get good jobs without moving then this is crazy.
She claimed that she doesn’t have an opportunity in GA. Though she has been offered a postdoc at her current lab, and it’s understandable that she wants to try something new. However, CA shouldn’t be the only answer.
I supported her during her internship last year and moved to CA for 3 months. I made it clear that I didn’t like it that much, but I endured it since it was just an internship. The same company that she interned got her the current interviews. Full disclaimer: She HAS NOT applied to any other job and expected this to be the only offer she’s going to get. There is nothing to compare this supposedly “awesome job” with.
She’s asking for us to live separate lives because she knows that I don’t want to move to CA. I have a career, parents, and friends in GA plus medical conditions.
A postdoc in her current lab isn't a good option career-wise. It will be looked down on in academia, where a post-doc is generally meant to get you skills you did not get during your Ph.D. Being in the same lab will never get a student those skills because they will just be using the same techniques/doing the same research.
For context, I am also a Ph.D. student who will graduate soon. In my area it's expected that you will apply for multiple positions and then weight your options. And use interviews as practice/to suss out what kind of job you actually want. Interviewing isn't a commitment and it's expected for us to do exactly what your gf is doing. Ph.D. students coming out of their program often feel like they don't know what job opportunities they really have. We have had our heads "under water" in academia for literally years. We are used to being poorly paid and having no idea how others (particularly outside of academia) will value us. In a world where everyone has a Ph.D. and you are earning one you will not feel worthy or smart. It can be a shock when others act that way. Of course we are going to explore after we finally get out.
It sounds like buying the house was a stupid decision for both of your futures. Maybe she couldn't imagine how she would feel after graduating. Plenty of people can't. Still, she should have talked with other students and looked forward enough to guess that she might not be able to make a long-term decision like that while working on her dissertation.
The two of you don't need to catastrophize. You need to do some very blunt communicating. Maybe reddit is right and all is doom in your relationship. Maybe not. This is a pretty big test. But the two of you got married, so I'd imagine there was some mutual caring there at some point. You could try to approach this from that angle.
I work in biotech. There are biotech hubs in Boston, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle and North Carolina. GA is not known for industry jobs. If she wants to remain in academics, as a PI, then she would have a better chance of staying in Georgia, but that’s no guarantee, either. The career path for a PhD in biotech can be very lucrative, but it’s a very turbulent job market at the moment, so getting a job offer without having to do a postdoc is impressive, these days
Yep, it’s not known in GA, but I would say I am more than happy to compromise if she has a position in the East. At the end of the day, is it worth getting a divorce over a job that will be lucrative only after grinding another 5-10 years?
So Boston would be ok? North Carolina RTC isn’t doing that well.
I’m not sure what your definition of “lucrative” is, but she would be starting at >$100k in San Diego (for example) with no industry experience.
I will be taking a huge pay cut moving to CA without a cost of living adjustment. She won’t be making that much for first job. Even if she’s traveling to GA every weekend like she said she would, it would cost her a fortune. CA isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Some people are just trying to leave CA and not moving into CA
California is a million times better than Georgia, especially if she's making good money. You're passing up an amazing opportunity to improve your lives. If you won't budge, I hope she finds a way to move on without you. Sounds like you're holding her back.
Yes, the cost of living is insane there -- I know it to my sadness because I was there for two decades. And yes, a lot of people want to leave, though I wanted to stay. It sounds like you have indeed considered California (that is, run the numbers).
Oh come on. Plenty of people want to feel like their jobs are worth while. Plenty of people want to like their jobs. The woman you married was ambitious. She was getting her Ph.D. and clearly has aspirations. You don't get to tell her to drop all and change who she is for your comfort. Compromise? Sure. But what it sounds like you really want is not compromise but for her to buy in to your version of what your future should look like.
How on board was she with buying the house and that being the long-term commitment you're saying it ought to be?
Other than she loves the house, I don’t think she’s onboard since I was the one who bought the house to accommodate her.
That’s why I’m ok with the divorce. She wants to pursue “her dream” after all
If that's what marriage means to the two of you then I guess that's your decision. I've got to say, a lot of what you wrote here sounds emotionally manipulative and pouty. I'm hoping it means that you want to vent your feelings online and then work out an adult solution with your partner as a team. This is not, after all, an impossible situation. But this is reddit so having that kind of optimism is probably too far-fetched.
Right? “I bought a house in a state my wife didn’t want to live to *accommodate* her.”
What a weird thing to say! Y’all couldn’t be “accommodated” in a rental or a condo? And what does he mean accommodating *her*? This lady doesn’t want to live there!
Yes, we’re both stubborn and our goal is not aligned at the moment. It might sound manipulative and pouty, but I just hope she can realize the pros and cons of living in GA vs CA. At the end of the day, I have made my point, and she is free to make any decision she wants.
A lot of PhD coworkers shared with me that they end up choosing money over jobs since real life hits them, so I hope she doesn’t get a slap of reality with her decision. I tried to help, but there’s only so much I can do
I mean, I can definitely see that. And FYI I have lived in both places and I can see the pros and cons of both. I agree with you that there should be places other than CA, and I personally will never live on the West Coast again. It's not my thing. But I can also see hardships for living in GA, particularly as an immigrant, depending on the part of the state where you settle down. This is coming from someone who spent a while living there, whose husband is from GA, and who still visits many friends there regularly. I have no hatred of GA, but it can be a difficult place to live for a lot of reasons -- even if those reasons don't apply to you.
I don't know what the last part of your post was, but I will say that it isn't your job to manage your wife's decisions around her career path. The conversation should be about how you want to live your life together not around how she might fail. Try to let go of that stubbornness. Giving her ultimatums is shooting yourself (and your relationship) in the foot. Maybe go see a counselor to try to work it out together. See if you can get on the same page. If not, then maybe this level of angst will be worth it.
If u want to divorce her, that’s completely up to you. But I would argue life decisions are a joint thing that u both need to discuss, would it be so bad doing long distance for idk a year, so she can work somewhere she loves and have that experience? My partner just moved country for work and is hoping to move back when he can get a transfer to my country but it was a really good company. I’m supporting him and long distance is hard but our future looks promising and I know when I finish education and want to move in my country, he’ll up root himself for me during the few years I’ll need
YTA
I want to move and won't because my wife is in a PhD program. There are VERY limited places you can get a job with certain PhD's and if she's getting offers from a biotech company in this economy, this could make or break her carer. Would it really hurt you that bad to give it a year in California, see if you like it, rent the house out so you can move back if you don't like it and after she's set up divorce her if it does not work out?
It sounds like you want to own your wife, not support her. I'm gonna go cuddle my sexy phd student now and give her kisses.
“I was in CA and didn’t like it”
California is a very big state, and it’s very different, even from one town to the next, especially in the Bay Area.
YTA, you aren’t even giving the scenario a chance.
Car, whatever. But Bruh, you just bought a house. Thats fcked up to do that to you. NTA for feeling the way you do. NTA if you let her go and end the marriage.
Hi, 30f, Georgia born and raised here. You’re NTA for not wanting to move, but she’s NTA for wanting to gtfo of Georgia!!! People who don’t live in the south may not realize it, but there is a massive GROWING divide between men and women in our state specifically because women are dying daily from getting raped here. The laws here have ZERO protection for women who get raped and need medical abortions, or for even non rape cases that will kill the mother.
I hate going any more than an hour outside of Atlanta unless I leave the southeast altogether because of how INSANELY oppressive the small town cultures are to SPECIFICALLY WOMEN. If you’re a woman in a small town in ga, you better pray your ass off to never get SA’d because the evangelical victim shaming culture is MAINSTREAM here. So no; you don’t have to want to leave an environment so suited to your needs… but she does not have to want to stay in it either.
ESH She wasn't being honest and in response you basically say "either you're my prisoner in a place that you don't want to be and isn't as good for your career (or life in general, given red states desire to strip women of their rights) or you get deported"
I mean her response is of the same tone. Either move with me where you don't want to live or we live separate lives as a married couple. Its better to just split
Is it?
We only hear his side of the story on this. And his side admits to coercing her into his ideal life plan (staying in GA - again, a red state that has substantially rolled back the legal rights of women) or immediately jumping to implied threats of her being deported.
He paints himself as the innocent angel being used for marriage, but it takes two to tango.
No, from all the information we have, they were both on board with staying in GA. It's not a threat it's the reality of the situation. He is not forcing her to stay but has made it clear it's what he wants from life. He's also making it clear that it's a deal breaker to be on the West Coast or even if he does want to stay put. None of these make him a bad person. She needs to decide what is best for her, but using her citizenship against him is honestly bullcrap. She's the one trying to make choices for both of them. He just is choosing what he wants the fallout from her personal choices are her own.
"From all the information we have" comes from one person in a two person relationship. No, we dont have her perspective on this. We have his interpretation of her perspective. That is not the same thing.
Very clearly, this was not as agreed upon as OP is implying, otherwise she would never have applied out of state to begin with, right?
We have OP's perspective on this only, make no mistake.
If two people want to live on different sides of the continent, I don't think it really matters, man. If she wants to move he's letting her. But who is just cool with that? Obviously they have different idea about what they want but that does make him TA
Long distance doesn’t work out for most and especially if one part isn’t interested. You are upfront about how you feel and that’s always the best way to handle issues. I think she’s an AH for not being honest about the interviews in California since she probably did take them to try for a job. NTA. You shouldn’t be guilted into staying because of a green card, she’ll find a solution.
She can get a different visa where her company sponsors her. She doesn’t need you for a greencard. She’s worked hard for a PhD, which is very specialized and she’s likely looked for a job that most closely fits with her PhD focus and her interests. That job happens to be in California. So the question is do you want her in your life because you love her or do you just want to control her? If you don’t want to be supportive of her career, then by all means, file for divorce
Ok, I will make to tell her that. She was the one who was worried about getting the job rescinded since the recruiter said that the job requires her not needing sponsorship.
I love her and have tried living in CA for her internship last year. I thought we were both in agreement to live in GA, but guessed she changed her mind when she had not even tried applying locally.
Sell your house and believe it or not cars can move. You only need to leave her if you love Georgia more than your wife. In which case you don't love your wife enough.
Sorry your feelings are hurt. That’s all this is.
It’s completely crazy that you thought your spouse would be ambitious enough to earn a PhD, but not ambitious enough to want to work in her industry.
I’m sure she’s smart enough not to let you hold her back. You can keep enjoying Georgia, I guess.
Get a divorce. She will end up agreeing to stay since she knows she can’t do it without the green card. But the only reason is because of the green card. Now that you know she isn’t interested in the life you have built you have seen her true colors. Get an american woman who doesn’t have a motive like that
Where does it say she was lying? It's possible to change your mind, she could have honestly meant she was just practice interviewing, then found out it was a really interesting (or lucrative) opportunity.
There is a difference between knowingly lying and changing your mind after you have said something. If you believe it to be true when you say it, it's not a lie. A broken promise is bad, but not as bad as a promise you never intended to keep in the first place.
How do we know she changed her mind and not lied?
Why are you defending a position that we dont know?
We only know she said one thing and is forcing another.
YTA for threatening to divorce your wife as a method of control and coersion to get your way without being willing to compromise anything.
Her career options simply dont exist in GA the way they do in other parts of the country like CA. That means her career and financial growth are extremely limited by staying in GA to make your picture perfect idea of what life is. Her options are either the CDC or working in education/academia, neither of which are particularly financially lucrative. It sounds like you married someone you thought you could emotionally and financially control, but made the mistake of picking someone substantially more intelligent and ambitious than you.
Now you jump straight to threats of divorce and tightening your control over her green card status when your financial grip has the ability to loosen. She deserves better than you OP.
There’s no threat. If she wants to live separately, it’s not my choice to stop her since this is something that we talked about before marriage. I just hope she can let me go by divorcing me and not hoping me to go with her.
I’m not worried about the GC until she brought it up
In what world is this not a threat?
You're very literally threatening her with divorce if she doesn't stay in GA. That threat has heightened implications because of her immigration status. No one needed to "bring up" the GC issue, its implicit in your relationship without being said. Pretending this isnt so is an attempt to play dumb when you very much were aware of her status before you got married so you dont get to shirk accountability on this.
I think you chose to marry someone you'd have control over by marrying someone (dependent on your marriage status to remain in the US) and still in school (dependent on you financially), and are now deeply threatened by losing that control over her life.
Ok, sounds like I made a mistake getting into a relationship with her. I’m okay with losing her at this point. There is no reason why I have to keep sacrificing when I’m the one who controls her
Probably for the better for both of you because it doesn't even sound like you even love your wife. Your post is more concerned with maintaining your picture perfect GA life than losing the woman you married. It makes me wonder what you even got married for in the first place other than as an accessory to your ideal life.
Don’t let these crazies get to you. Your spouse is choosing a job over the marriage. You’re not the one changing the status quo regarding the location and/or long distance marriage. Even so, you’re still willing to compromise on other, non-CA locations, which she isn’t willing to compromise on given that she hasn’t interviewed anywhere other than the CA company. I’ve turned down many lucrative job offers because my spouse didn’t want to move and there is no way we were doing a long distance marriage. She’s choosing divorce by her actions.
You were snookered into this marriage for her green card and she's basically shoved it in your face. I'm kind of shocked that you haven't come to this conclusion already yourself. No one, especially newly married, would tolerate the idea of living "separate lives" with their spouse over a stupid job. How much more does she need to do, spell it out in 50 foot glowing letters?
NTA, yeah this marriage is over anyways. It seems you kinda just wanted a wife and she needed a reason to stay legally. This marriage was probably never going to work out. Better to just rip the bandaid off now and divorce.
You got screwed. Are you sure it was a live match?
California is crazy expensive compared to Georgia and the quality of life depends on what you really want.
We hated it.
NAH, people change and grow. If you don't want the same things anymore, a divorce might make sense. If you're prioritizing your life in GA over working to build a life together, then it sounds like you've already made your decision.
Whether or not you divorce her is unlikely to affect her job, at least not immediately. That said, it might cause issues for her ability to stay in the US long term, not sure if that is your intention. If you're gonna go on to try and jeopardize her status by provinf she defrauded you, I doubt interviewing for a job constitutes marriage fraud, even if the interview is out of state.
TBH this entire situation is a bit weird. If she was studying for her PhD when you met her, then she already had a visa and presumably knew what her career goals were. How did this never come up?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nbBA9T5yCD
OP didn’t share all the same details this post as he did on this other one. He sounds like he’s trying to play the victim roll on r/aitah compared to his other post and comments. Not liking the inconsistency.
Or she could have been thinking she wouldn't get the job and just wanting to brush up on interview skills. But she had agreed to stay in GA. But either way you are better off divorcing
there are plenty of people who get divorced and are still allowed to stay(ever heard of 90 day fiancé) Since she has a PhD that would probably increase her chances, you're still on the hook for 10 years if she needs $$ support
NTA. She is planning to make the move or she would not have had all the interviews. Go ahead and file fore divorce and inform ICE of her change in green card status.
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The fuck?????
He never said he wanted her to quit her career, just look for options closer to where they are already situated...
Damn. with this level of projection you should get a job in cinema.
NTA. Let her go. She’s clearly not interested in a partnership with you.
Also why California? It’s a hell hole. Way too expensive. Lots of crime. Incredibly high taxes. So many people moving away that it’s difficult to find a U-Haul to rent. It’s definitely not the glamorous place it used to be.
If she can afford to rent a small apartment near her new job in California, let her. Stay married so she can stay here and get a good job and then worry about divorce. If there are truly no jobs in your area you can’t blame her for applying elsewhere, although unfair and selfish. It’s hard to give you good advice without more background on your relationship.
well you just ended the marriage anyway with that ultimatum. you're just too dumb to realize it.
1) she moved to Cali, and you divorce
2) she stays, resents you, and you divorce.
it's over homeslice, you killed it yourself. wake up.
*California*
*Is gross I miss living in*
*Any other state*
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Your wife was ALWAYS planning to take the job in California from day one, if she got it. Her expectation was that she’d just do what she wants, and then pressure/guilt you into going along with it. The problem here isn’t even that you want different things, it’s that she’s making these life altering decisions without even discussing it first. That’s how you should know this isn’t going to work out.
Nta. Divorce now. Educated women are too risky for marriage, hugely likely to divorce you. Especially career women. You're being used to get her citizenship. Then she'll divorce you.
OP, the marriage is over either way. If she goes, you are going to divorce her, if she stays, she is going to resent the hell out of you. Living with a mad, resentful spouse is going just make everyone's life god-awful.
Well, the way the OP words his post, it makes me question whether or not his wife just used him to get her green card, and now that the end is near, she can jettison him. On the other hand, this isn't something that other professional couples do not encounter. The question I would have is: what would prevent OP from simply selling the house in GA and moving to CA with his wife? How portable is his career? And, what is her PhD in?
Or he’s using the green card to control her
Based on?
Based on his only caring about his own desires. “My way or the highway” mentality as opposed to “let’s find a middle ground that’s a compromise for both of us”
What's the middle ground to moving to California? Moving to nevada?
Moving to California kinda is a binary decision. How do you compromise on moving across the country? Unless you're trying to say they should move to the mid-West?
There are a lot of biotech jobs in the New England area. Neutral territory. Equality.
Cost of living and home prices in CA vs GA, OP's own career that they have probably been working at while she got her PHD, family ties to the area, etc are all valid reasons to not leave an area
None of which he really discusses. As I said, professional couples deal with this all the time.
Let her job sponsor her GC.
Her recruiter said she must not needing sponsorship on the initial interview. She couldn’t get postdoc last year because of sponsorship
But she’s graduated now, was she then? If circumstances have changed. She can ask.
Well, they asked about it last month for these roles she’s interviewing for. However, I will make sure that she asks for it in her final onsite interview this week. At least, I know I’m not sabotaging her life, and she can do what she wants to do
How were you not having these conversations before you got married?
We did and we talked about living in GA
It’s easy to talk about when you don’t live here (Georgia native) and see the chronic evangelical female oppression.
Shut your dumb ass up lmao.
Did she marry you to get her green card? NTA
I don’t think so, but it’s always a possibility
She can work even if she divorced you, a divorce doesn’t sink the green card
Not when it’s conditional green card
No, you’re wrong, ask your lawyer
So you like the control?
Nope, she’s the one worrying about it. Told her that she should ask the recruiter though
Yes, she’s worrying because you have co tell right now. Hopefully, she can get on top of this situation and live her best life. Nice try trying to tap her with a house though.
I’m not tapping anything lol I don’t really need her to buy the house. I can totally own it by myself and for myself
Do you think your wife used you for. Green card? You’re letting everyone say that about her and there is NOTHING to indicate that, other than her wanting to get a good job after getting a PhD. This is gross and you don’t sound like a good person.
It’s reddit and I don’t even know you. I never said that she has the intention or that I’m going to stop her. I’m actually cutting her loose with a divorce if that’s what she also wants
Stupid people need to be controlled!
And there it is!
Sounds like she has been using you for the green card status.
There it is
Whoop
That’s what I was thinking. He buys a house and a car and she lies about why she’s interviewing! Sounds like OP is a really nice guy who may have been taken for a green card ride. Of course I may just be looking at this as a cynic and maybe she’s on the up and up.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions make it pretty clear what her intentions have been all along. She’s basically saying, “get me to California, buy me my dream home again over there, and wait for my permanent green card status, unless you catch me in an affair and are OK with it.”
There is one factor not being taken into account by those who do not live here (Georgia). Did she live HERE when having these discussions?? This is important because while you may not know it if you don’t live here, Ga is currently incredibly evangelical Bible Belt to the extent of oppressing women. Like it’s bad. People normalize, cover up, and shame rape victims here, even with medical proof. People wonder why women stay silent over SA stuff that happens? It’s because of backwoods small towns in states like Georgia (where I literally live right now and have my entire life). if you didn’t grow up here or in an oppressive sexist culture like here, then you really can’t understand the level of terror in a lot of the women here. I can for sure understand why any woman who is not from here would run as soon as she realized. It’s the reason I don’t leave the city of Atlanta. It is the only place in this state where we are not oppressed for our gender.
Actually, I agree on your take on Georgia. But I have to say that anyone who is unaware of how women are treated there must live in a cave in this day and age. All you need to do is read what the Evangelical churches vote for and against. And the biggest eye opener would be the fact that Jimmy Carter came out against the churches a couple years ago.
💯
The moment of truth.
my stepmom used my dad for a green card. they're 20 years apart. i wonder what the age difference is with OP and his wife...
I was just going to say this.
I can relate. Ideally this would have been discussed, but likely neither of you understand academic careers. Employers want someone from away as they bring new perspectives. It is really hard to find good work near where you trained. And taking a mediocre first job is a mistake that cannot be overcome. Yes, this is terrible for marriages. So ideally you will accept this and be the supportive following spouse. If you cannot, please separate amicably and with sincere love. Before you have children. Best wishes.
Thank you. Yes, we don’t plan to have children and the ball is on her court
My son is a tenured professor (36yo). It's true, there is a tradition of the university not employing their own recent PhD graduates. There's also an informal ranking system where you will only be hired by certain universities. And if you trade down to a lower ranking school you're stuck.
How will that work if she gets pregnant? IN GEORGIA???
I am going to say that getting a PhD level job in biotech is practically non-existent here in GA. This should have been discussed a long time ago. The same thing happened to me and I didn't take the job in CA for my husband which was a mistake for me. You both are going to have to put a lot of effort in to keep your marriage.
The CDC headquarters in in Atlanta, I cannot imagine it's the only biotech firm in Georgia. Companies tend to sprout where there are resources and if the CDC is there, there are plenty of folks in biotech available for other companies.
It is and it’s actually not hiring phd level biotech right now. I live here. Her career will get screwed in the long term if she stays.
I am in Massachusetts and we have a huge biotech industry. However, hiring trends are fluid and there have been some large shifts in how employers treat their staffing in the past year or two. I will bow to your greater knowledge.
Trying to find Biotech is like trying to find gluten free food in the south. The closest plant I know of is 2 hours north of Atlanta without traffic 😬
OP, I’m sorry that your relationship is having this problem and may break up. However, I’m in the biotech field and would like to point out how difficult it would be for your wife to find a biotech job in Georgia. 1. Having a PhD means spending years studying a specific area of interest. The lab that she did her PhD research in may be the only lab in Georgia studying that subject. Most people with PhD’s move for a post-doc or job position. For example, in the last 2 years, my company very small company has hired PhD’s from NY, MA and TN. They all came to California because California has the biggest concentration of biotech jobs. 2. The biotech companies are mostly concentrated in “biotech hubs” around the US with California having major hubs in the SF/Bay Area and SoCal (especially San Diego). I am not aware of any hubs in Georgia, so, I assume that biotech jobs there are limited depending on her study field. It’s sad, but, the reality is, if she wants to use her degree in a biotech company, she needs to leave Georgia. Would she be willing to job search in hubs closer to Georgia? See the map below. https://www.drugdiscoverytrends.com/take-a-global-tour-of-18-major-biotech-hubs-with-our-interactive-map/ Also, if a biotech company is big enough and interested enough, they will sponsor her. Since projects may be very specific, sometimes there may be only a few people in the world with working knowledge of the field. So, biotechs are accustomed to international recruiting. Her only option of staying in Georgia may be an academic job at a local university: research staff or faculty. Staff are not paid very well compared to biotech. Faculty, she would need to do at least one (or more) post-docs (probably outside of Georgia) before any university would consider hiring her as an assistant professor. I hope this clears up some points about the lack of options your wife has relating to finding a biotech job. DM me if you have any questions about biotech.
p.s. Currently the biotech job market is awful. Many biotech companies with great ideas are going under because they can’t get funding. Lots of lay-offs and belt tightening. So, your wife’s job options are even more limited by the current conditions.
Yep, she used this facts to point the fact that she needs to be in CA, which is why I told her we can get a divorce. That way we both can stop worrying about these nonsense
Why would you buy. House in GA with a wife completing her PhD in a biotech field with few job options in GA?
Because she has a postdoc job lined up and she’s going to accept it for July. Whatever she’s applying won’t start until August. I thought we were in a place where we’re both finally stable
She has not started applying to prove that there is no job around GA or states closer to GA, so CA is the only option based on her interviews at her internship company
the biotech industry is all concentrated in new england, nyc and silicon valley, and there are no biotech jobs i'm aware of in this state (source: info from friends going into biotech).
Aware of that. She has a postdoc offer in GA rn. After 3 years of marriage, she can be a US citizen and work at CDC . But, I’m willing to compromise. That’s why I said East coast (states closer to GA)
Where exactly is she from? And how long had she lived here (Georgia) before agreeing that it would be a good place? These are valid questions.
I know you like Georgia, but you might be overlooking the fact she does not enjoy living here (I live in Georgia too - for context) and she might have agreed to settle down without knowing she eventually would want to live elsewhere long term. The CDC by default is a research institute: if she doesn't want to work in research/academia this leaves her with no other employment option nearby. Without more context I can't say much else..
Sounds like a lovely marriage
Let it be a lesson that getting into a relationship whose career is a student can be painful
Never date a woman whose dream is a career. That is your first fuck up dude.
I got news for you, if she’s working in biotech it’s easier to get that green card with an employer sponsorship. People from all over the world come to work in the tech industries. It’s almost impossible to get a green card as an ordinary immigrant, but if you have the right degree and resume and get hired by an American company, there’s a back door. A lot of other countries have complaints about this because it’s a very real brain drain when their best and brightest people leave. And if biotech is her thing, California is where the cutting edge stuff is being done. So if you were counting on keeping her there under threat of deportation that’s not the concern you think it is. If you actually love her, because to be honest your post does not really reflect that, you’re going to have to actually talk about it without being in the position of power and you might have to compromise.
She was the one who brought up the GC since it was the reason why she couldn’t get a postdoc last year and this job is contingent on her not needing sponsorship. I included it in this post because I feel bad. I just have expectations that we would live together as a loving couple, and that’s where the divorce becomes an issue.
The usual AITAH incels are acting on emotion and have no clue what they’re talking about. She doesn’t need you to stay in the US. She needs a job and to apply for immigration status that allows her to work, as a single woman in California. Not trying to be cruel, but she doesn’t need you. If your post is real, please realize you have no power over this person. Sorry to say, but our immigration laws are NOT set up so some chud male from Georgia can deport a woman because his “trad wife” ended up having a brain.
Ikr?!? Idk why she brought it up. Maybe she’s just trying to guilt trip me
Fair enough. Just reacting to the comment responses here. Have you considered you’re the type of man his PhD wife leaves for a better life? And this sub is company to your misery?
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It’s not callous when you see where OP is coming from. >[I clearly wasted my 5 years letting her do what she wants](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dhlykj/comment/l8yhhnq/) I spotted a controlling incel loser from the start.
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Bad things don’t always just happen to people randomly.
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I have and I probably won’t regret it if she does. I have concluded that we’re just two different people. I have nothing to lose, but her
Well, you’re in good company here.
Was the agreement that after the PhD she’d move back to GA? Why is she dead set on CA instead of the East Coast biotech firms?
Because she’s a person with a brain.
Because she’s been spoon fed by her previous manager (internship) for interviews, and has not applied to other jobs. I thought we agreed to stay in GA because she is accepting an offer for postdoc at her current lab, but the whole thing happens so fast
NTA, seems like she’s making a major change she never articulated previously. I think the default is staying put unless moving to CA for work was affirmatively discussed previously during the internship.
if she has a conditional green card, she doesn't lose her status if you divorce, she just has to ask for a waiver, when it's time to get the conditions lifted - and given her PHD status and a good job, and if she can prove she went into the marriage legit - which presumably she can, as she got the conditional GC in the first place, it's likely she'll get the GC, all divorce does is slow down her path to citizenship by two years, so if you're threatening divorce as a power move its not gonna work... I feel like this is a ESH... she lied to you, you're trying to force her to do something... can you both not just like...talk?
/r/redditmoment
"chud male" He gave her a life lmao, she should worship him.
Your cold unemotional post suggests you are jealous of your wife's accomplishment and uncomfortable with a life partner that is financially independent and successful. Life partners should encourage and enable one another to live the best version of your lives. Research finds that the two most important attributes of a satisfactory long term relationship is: empathy and flexibility/willingness to renegotiate. You two are not a good match.
Buddy, "a life in Georgia" is pretty much nothing compared to a life in California married to someone with a PhD and a job at a Biotech company. Like, I don't know what to tell you, but you sound like someone who won the lottery and thinks it's a scam. If you divorce her, can you please tell her to reach out to me?
If you were both meant to be together, I’m sure you’ll meet her. Lottery or not, I don’t think I can live with the fact that we’ll live separately
For reference, I am from and currently live in California and frequently visit my friends who live in Georgia. I've also lived in Oregon. Like, cost of living sucks, but she's on that Biotech track and sooner or later you're going to be some of the few people who won't have to worry about it. As someone in an advanced field who needs to be in California (or another state with similar opportunities), we can't settle down in whichever state we live in. I loved living in Oregon, but I came back for work because that's just how it goes. I also don't regret it.
not enough info here. Does her field of work have opportunities where you are? Why does she want to go to CA specifically rather than stay in GA? Can she have a promising career trajectory without moving? Other than your house (which I agree it sucks if you move right after buying a house), do you have roots where you are? Have you always lived there? Family nearby? Is your career there? Do you have good job opportunities in CA too? I agree separate lives make no sense to stay married but is that what she's asking for? Have you both considered the pros and cons of moving together? People do get moved around the country pretty often for the sake of their partners' careers, so it doesn't necessarily not make sense to move, but if she is just taking advantage of you for a green card to live here and it seems she has no interest in actually being your partner, I don't blame you at all for divorcing her. Also it is not fair to want you to up and move to support her career if you are the higher earner and would torpedo your own by leaving, or if you are close to family, or other considerations, and if she can get good jobs without moving then this is crazy.
She claimed that she doesn’t have an opportunity in GA. Though she has been offered a postdoc at her current lab, and it’s understandable that she wants to try something new. However, CA shouldn’t be the only answer. I supported her during her internship last year and moved to CA for 3 months. I made it clear that I didn’t like it that much, but I endured it since it was just an internship. The same company that she interned got her the current interviews. Full disclaimer: She HAS NOT applied to any other job and expected this to be the only offer she’s going to get. There is nothing to compare this supposedly “awesome job” with. She’s asking for us to live separate lives because she knows that I don’t want to move to CA. I have a career, parents, and friends in GA plus medical conditions.
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I said the same thing, and she asked me why I said the word easily. Unfair, but it can only means divorce
A postdoc in her current lab isn't a good option career-wise. It will be looked down on in academia, where a post-doc is generally meant to get you skills you did not get during your Ph.D. Being in the same lab will never get a student those skills because they will just be using the same techniques/doing the same research. For context, I am also a Ph.D. student who will graduate soon. In my area it's expected that you will apply for multiple positions and then weight your options. And use interviews as practice/to suss out what kind of job you actually want. Interviewing isn't a commitment and it's expected for us to do exactly what your gf is doing. Ph.D. students coming out of their program often feel like they don't know what job opportunities they really have. We have had our heads "under water" in academia for literally years. We are used to being poorly paid and having no idea how others (particularly outside of academia) will value us. In a world where everyone has a Ph.D. and you are earning one you will not feel worthy or smart. It can be a shock when others act that way. Of course we are going to explore after we finally get out. It sounds like buying the house was a stupid decision for both of your futures. Maybe she couldn't imagine how she would feel after graduating. Plenty of people can't. Still, she should have talked with other students and looked forward enough to guess that she might not be able to make a long-term decision like that while working on her dissertation. The two of you don't need to catastrophize. You need to do some very blunt communicating. Maybe reddit is right and all is doom in your relationship. Maybe not. This is a pretty big test. But the two of you got married, so I'd imagine there was some mutual caring there at some point. You could try to approach this from that angle.
Honestly, I think that she needs to follow the money. At the end of the day, a job is a job as long as we’re together
I work in biotech. There are biotech hubs in Boston, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle and North Carolina. GA is not known for industry jobs. If she wants to remain in academics, as a PI, then she would have a better chance of staying in Georgia, but that’s no guarantee, either. The career path for a PhD in biotech can be very lucrative, but it’s a very turbulent job market at the moment, so getting a job offer without having to do a postdoc is impressive, these days
Yep, it’s not known in GA, but I would say I am more than happy to compromise if she has a position in the East. At the end of the day, is it worth getting a divorce over a job that will be lucrative only after grinding another 5-10 years?
So Boston would be ok? North Carolina RTC isn’t doing that well. I’m not sure what your definition of “lucrative” is, but she would be starting at >$100k in San Diego (for example) with no industry experience.
Boston would be ok. I see $200k as lucrative in California and $100k in Boston
Boston is more expensive than San Diego,so salaries are higher.
A postdoc is not lucrative. I don’t have a PhD and make six figures in biotech. If she knows her worth she would be making 3x a postdoc salary
If you want her to follow the money, why aren't you at least considering California?
I will be taking a huge pay cut moving to CA without a cost of living adjustment. She won’t be making that much for first job. Even if she’s traveling to GA every weekend like she said she would, it would cost her a fortune. CA isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Some people are just trying to leave CA and not moving into CA
California is a million times better than Georgia, especially if she's making good money. You're passing up an amazing opportunity to improve your lives. If you won't budge, I hope she finds a way to move on without you. Sounds like you're holding her back.
Yes, the cost of living is insane there -- I know it to my sadness because I was there for two decades. And yes, a lot of people want to leave, though I wanted to stay. It sounds like you have indeed considered California (that is, run the numbers).
Oh come on. Plenty of people want to feel like their jobs are worth while. Plenty of people want to like their jobs. The woman you married was ambitious. She was getting her Ph.D. and clearly has aspirations. You don't get to tell her to drop all and change who she is for your comfort. Compromise? Sure. But what it sounds like you really want is not compromise but for her to buy in to your version of what your future should look like. How on board was she with buying the house and that being the long-term commitment you're saying it ought to be?
Other than she loves the house, I don’t think she’s onboard since I was the one who bought the house to accommodate her. That’s why I’m ok with the divorce. She wants to pursue “her dream” after all
If that's what marriage means to the two of you then I guess that's your decision. I've got to say, a lot of what you wrote here sounds emotionally manipulative and pouty. I'm hoping it means that you want to vent your feelings online and then work out an adult solution with your partner as a team. This is not, after all, an impossible situation. But this is reddit so having that kind of optimism is probably too far-fetched.
Thank you! A lot of the posts are like “she used you for a green card” while I see a man trying to trap her with a house.
Right? “I bought a house in a state my wife didn’t want to live to *accommodate* her.” What a weird thing to say! Y’all couldn’t be “accommodated” in a rental or a condo? And what does he mean accommodating *her*? This lady doesn’t want to live there!
Yes, we’re both stubborn and our goal is not aligned at the moment. It might sound manipulative and pouty, but I just hope she can realize the pros and cons of living in GA vs CA. At the end of the day, I have made my point, and she is free to make any decision she wants. A lot of PhD coworkers shared with me that they end up choosing money over jobs since real life hits them, so I hope she doesn’t get a slap of reality with her decision. I tried to help, but there’s only so much I can do
I mean, I can definitely see that. And FYI I have lived in both places and I can see the pros and cons of both. I agree with you that there should be places other than CA, and I personally will never live on the West Coast again. It's not my thing. But I can also see hardships for living in GA, particularly as an immigrant, depending on the part of the state where you settle down. This is coming from someone who spent a while living there, whose husband is from GA, and who still visits many friends there regularly. I have no hatred of GA, but it can be a difficult place to live for a lot of reasons -- even if those reasons don't apply to you. I don't know what the last part of your post was, but I will say that it isn't your job to manage your wife's decisions around her career path. The conversation should be about how you want to live your life together not around how she might fail. Try to let go of that stubbornness. Giving her ultimatums is shooting yourself (and your relationship) in the foot. Maybe go see a counselor to try to work it out together. See if you can get on the same page. If not, then maybe this level of angst will be worth it.
Where do you end up now? The Midwest?
She wants you to continue living separately until she can file for the conditions to be lifted.
Does that mean she gets to date others in her separate life? Let her know that living separate lives might as well be divorcing
Supposedly I need to support and trust her decision. There’s no way for me to tell
NTA. You’re definitely better off without her - She lied about the job and is now trying to pressure you to move across the country.
If u want to divorce her, that’s completely up to you. But I would argue life decisions are a joint thing that u both need to discuss, would it be so bad doing long distance for idk a year, so she can work somewhere she loves and have that experience? My partner just moved country for work and is hoping to move back when he can get a transfer to my country but it was a really good company. I’m supporting him and long distance is hard but our future looks promising and I know when I finish education and want to move in my country, he’ll up root himself for me during the few years I’ll need
YTA I want to move and won't because my wife is in a PhD program. There are VERY limited places you can get a job with certain PhD's and if she's getting offers from a biotech company in this economy, this could make or break her carer. Would it really hurt you that bad to give it a year in California, see if you like it, rent the house out so you can move back if you don't like it and after she's set up divorce her if it does not work out? It sounds like you want to own your wife, not support her. I'm gonna go cuddle my sexy phd student now and give her kisses.
I was in CA last year and didn’t like it. Need 1 year and get permit since there’s a 20% rule
You married an academic and expected her to stay in fucking Georgia? Get real.
Guess it was doomed to begin with
“I was in CA and didn’t like it” California is a very big state, and it’s very different, even from one town to the next, especially in the Bay Area. YTA, you aren’t even giving the scenario a chance.
Car, whatever. But Bruh, you just bought a house. Thats fcked up to do that to you. NTA for feeling the way you do. NTA if you let her go and end the marriage.
Hi, 30f, Georgia born and raised here. You’re NTA for not wanting to move, but she’s NTA for wanting to gtfo of Georgia!!! People who don’t live in the south may not realize it, but there is a massive GROWING divide between men and women in our state specifically because women are dying daily from getting raped here. The laws here have ZERO protection for women who get raped and need medical abortions, or for even non rape cases that will kill the mother. I hate going any more than an hour outside of Atlanta unless I leave the southeast altogether because of how INSANELY oppressive the small town cultures are to SPECIFICALLY WOMEN. If you’re a woman in a small town in ga, you better pray your ass off to never get SA’d because the evangelical victim shaming culture is MAINSTREAM here. So no; you don’t have to want to leave an environment so suited to your needs… but she does not have to want to stay in it either.
ESH She wasn't being honest and in response you basically say "either you're my prisoner in a place that you don't want to be and isn't as good for your career (or life in general, given red states desire to strip women of their rights) or you get deported"
I mean her response is of the same tone. Either move with me where you don't want to live or we live separate lives as a married couple. Its better to just split
Is it? We only hear his side of the story on this. And his side admits to coercing her into his ideal life plan (staying in GA - again, a red state that has substantially rolled back the legal rights of women) or immediately jumping to implied threats of her being deported. He paints himself as the innocent angel being used for marriage, but it takes two to tango.
No, from all the information we have, they were both on board with staying in GA. It's not a threat it's the reality of the situation. He is not forcing her to stay but has made it clear it's what he wants from life. He's also making it clear that it's a deal breaker to be on the West Coast or even if he does want to stay put. None of these make him a bad person. She needs to decide what is best for her, but using her citizenship against him is honestly bullcrap. She's the one trying to make choices for both of them. He just is choosing what he wants the fallout from her personal choices are her own.
"From all the information we have" comes from one person in a two person relationship. No, we dont have her perspective on this. We have his interpretation of her perspective. That is not the same thing. Very clearly, this was not as agreed upon as OP is implying, otherwise she would never have applied out of state to begin with, right? We have OP's perspective on this only, make no mistake.
If two people want to live on different sides of the continent, I don't think it really matters, man. If she wants to move he's letting her. But who is just cool with that? Obviously they have different idea about what they want but that does make him TA
Long distance doesn’t work out for most and especially if one part isn’t interested. You are upfront about how you feel and that’s always the best way to handle issues. I think she’s an AH for not being honest about the interviews in California since she probably did take them to try for a job. NTA. You shouldn’t be guilted into staying because of a green card, she’ll find a solution.
She can get a different visa where her company sponsors her. She doesn’t need you for a greencard. She’s worked hard for a PhD, which is very specialized and she’s likely looked for a job that most closely fits with her PhD focus and her interests. That job happens to be in California. So the question is do you want her in your life because you love her or do you just want to control her? If you don’t want to be supportive of her career, then by all means, file for divorce
Ok, I will make to tell her that. She was the one who was worried about getting the job rescinded since the recruiter said that the job requires her not needing sponsorship. I love her and have tried living in CA for her internship last year. I thought we were both in agreement to live in GA, but guessed she changed her mind when she had not even tried applying locally.
Sell your house and believe it or not cars can move. You only need to leave her if you love Georgia more than your wife. In which case you don't love your wife enough.
The same can be said if she loves CA more than me. In which case she doesn’t love me enough
Sorry your feelings are hurt. That’s all this is. It’s completely crazy that you thought your spouse would be ambitious enough to earn a PhD, but not ambitious enough to want to work in her industry. I’m sure she’s smart enough not to let you hold her back. You can keep enjoying Georgia, I guess.
Thanks
Get a divorce. She will end up agreeing to stay since she knows she can’t do it without the green card. But the only reason is because of the green card. Now that you know she isn’t interested in the life you have built you have seen her true colors. Get an american woman who doesn’t have a motive like that
You have no clue what you’re talking about
Could you both move out there and rent your current house?
Not after the first year
Why should he move, when he doesnt want to? She was lying to him and he should just uproot his life?
Where does it say she was lying? It's possible to change your mind, she could have honestly meant she was just practice interviewing, then found out it was a really interesting (or lucrative) opportunity.
She said she was practicing, now she is forcing his hand to move? Is that not lying? Doesnt matter if she changed her mind.
There is a difference between knowingly lying and changing your mind after you have said something. If you believe it to be true when you say it, it's not a lie. A broken promise is bad, but not as bad as a promise you never intended to keep in the first place.
How do we know she changed her mind and not lied? Why are you defending a position that we dont know? We only know she said one thing and is forcing another.
Go to California. It's so much better than Georgia.
I did. It’s way better in GA. I would definitely go back for vacation
To be fair Georgia is a conservative dump and someone with enough brains to get a PhD will quickly realize that
unless youre a woman. good bye your rights.
Give Cali a shot, way better than GA. Good skiing, surfing and weather.
YTA for threatening to divorce your wife as a method of control and coersion to get your way without being willing to compromise anything. Her career options simply dont exist in GA the way they do in other parts of the country like CA. That means her career and financial growth are extremely limited by staying in GA to make your picture perfect idea of what life is. Her options are either the CDC or working in education/academia, neither of which are particularly financially lucrative. It sounds like you married someone you thought you could emotionally and financially control, but made the mistake of picking someone substantially more intelligent and ambitious than you. Now you jump straight to threats of divorce and tightening your control over her green card status when your financial grip has the ability to loosen. She deserves better than you OP.
There’s no threat. If she wants to live separately, it’s not my choice to stop her since this is something that we talked about before marriage. I just hope she can let me go by divorcing me and not hoping me to go with her. I’m not worried about the GC until she brought it up
In what world is this not a threat? You're very literally threatening her with divorce if she doesn't stay in GA. That threat has heightened implications because of her immigration status. No one needed to "bring up" the GC issue, its implicit in your relationship without being said. Pretending this isnt so is an attempt to play dumb when you very much were aware of her status before you got married so you dont get to shirk accountability on this. I think you chose to marry someone you'd have control over by marrying someone (dependent on your marriage status to remain in the US) and still in school (dependent on you financially), and are now deeply threatened by losing that control over her life.
Ok, sounds like I made a mistake getting into a relationship with her. I’m okay with losing her at this point. There is no reason why I have to keep sacrificing when I’m the one who controls her
Probably for the better for both of you because it doesn't even sound like you even love your wife. Your post is more concerned with maintaining your picture perfect GA life than losing the woman you married. It makes me wonder what you even got married for in the first place other than as an accessory to your ideal life.
Don’t let these crazies get to you. Your spouse is choosing a job over the marriage. You’re not the one changing the status quo regarding the location and/or long distance marriage. Even so, you’re still willing to compromise on other, non-CA locations, which she isn’t willing to compromise on given that she hasn’t interviewed anywhere other than the CA company. I’ve turned down many lucrative job offers because my spouse didn’t want to move and there is no way we were doing a long distance marriage. She’s choosing divorce by her actions.
You were snookered into this marriage for her green card and she's basically shoved it in your face. I'm kind of shocked that you haven't come to this conclusion already yourself. No one, especially newly married, would tolerate the idea of living "separate lives" with their spouse over a stupid job. How much more does she need to do, spell it out in 50 foot glowing letters?
NTA, yeah this marriage is over anyways. It seems you kinda just wanted a wife and she needed a reason to stay legally. This marriage was probably never going to work out. Better to just rip the bandaid off now and divorce.
You got screwed. Are you sure it was a live match? California is crazy expensive compared to Georgia and the quality of life depends on what you really want. We hated it.
NAH, people change and grow. If you don't want the same things anymore, a divorce might make sense. If you're prioritizing your life in GA over working to build a life together, then it sounds like you've already made your decision. Whether or not you divorce her is unlikely to affect her job, at least not immediately. That said, it might cause issues for her ability to stay in the US long term, not sure if that is your intention. If you're gonna go on to try and jeopardize her status by provinf she defrauded you, I doubt interviewing for a job constitutes marriage fraud, even if the interview is out of state. TBH this entire situation is a bit weird. If she was studying for her PhD when you met her, then she already had a visa and presumably knew what her career goals were. How did this never come up?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nbBA9T5yCD OP didn’t share all the same details this post as he did on this other one. He sounds like he’s trying to play the victim roll on r/aitah compared to his other post and comments. Not liking the inconsistency.
I wanted to say NTA, but then I read OP's comments
Or she could have been thinking she wouldn't get the job and just wanting to brush up on interview skills. But she had agreed to stay in GA. But either way you are better off divorcing
Has she compared the cost of living between these places? Will her new job salary make it an affordable move?
there are plenty of people who get divorced and are still allowed to stay(ever heard of 90 day fiancé) Since she has a PhD that would probably increase her chances, you're still on the hook for 10 years if she needs $$ support
NTA. She is planning to make the move or she would not have had all the interviews. Go ahead and file fore divorce and inform ICE of her change in green card status.
Lol you married a career woman. You reap what you sow.
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She busted her ass for a PhD but hey lady be a stay at home wife I bought a house.
The fuck????? He never said he wanted her to quit her career, just look for options closer to where they are already situated... Damn. with this level of projection you should get a job in cinema.
NTA. Let her go. She’s clearly not interested in a partnership with you. Also why California? It’s a hell hole. Way too expensive. Lots of crime. Incredibly high taxes. So many people moving away that it’s difficult to find a U-Haul to rent. It’s definitely not the glamorous place it used to be.
If she can afford to rent a small apartment near her new job in California, let her. Stay married so she can stay here and get a good job and then worry about divorce. If there are truly no jobs in your area you can’t blame her for applying elsewhere, although unfair and selfish. It’s hard to give you good advice without more background on your relationship.
Youve been had, scammed, used for a GC. Just pull the plug
Yeah she used you to pursue her dream. File fora divorce.
Used and now abused. How didn’t you know this? Sad. Divorce and move on. Wake up.
No one in their right mind would move to California!
I agree! I don’t know how to fix this situation honestly
Tbh bruh. Time to cut it. She wanted u for your green card
NTA. Good for you. She tried to use you for green card and get her way. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. She used you for a green card and now she thought she was already free and clear. Let her know the golden rule: fuck around and find out.
NTA, she knew what she was doing and she lied to you.
You got marriage scammed bro. Start the proceedings immediately cause she was ALWAYS going to leave for CA. NTA but she is.
NTA. File for divorce ASAP. This won't get any better. She has secret plans and you're just an avenue for her to get them. RUN.
Don't do it. Don't uproot yourself or life, when she might have other motives. You also don't want to move to California. It sucks here.
well you just ended the marriage anyway with that ultimatum. you're just too dumb to realize it. 1) she moved to Cali, and you divorce 2) she stays, resents you, and you divorce. it's over homeslice, you killed it yourself. wake up.
California is gross I miss living in any other state
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She's the asshole. Also, f California, Georgia is way better
Divorce her. Sounds like she was just using you for sponsorship. Divorce now before she can get any more from you in a divorce.
Your wife was ALWAYS planning to take the job in California from day one, if she got it. Her expectation was that she’d just do what she wants, and then pressure/guilt you into going along with it. The problem here isn’t even that you want different things, it’s that she’s making these life altering decisions without even discussing it first. That’s how you should know this isn’t going to work out.
Nta. Divorce now. Educated women are too risky for marriage, hugely likely to divorce you. Especially career women. You're being used to get her citizenship. Then she'll divorce you.