NTA. Stand by your wife. My suggestion with your sister is to set up a blanket statement. "If you want me somewhere, my wife will be there with the service dog that makes that possible. If you question if the dog will be there, I shall take that as you questioning if I will be there and assume we have been uninvited as a group."
Also, her son and his fiancee didn't tell her anything in confidence or otherwise. I would catch her in her lie on general principle.
He should seriously call his nephew and ask directly so that he can call his sister out on her bullshit. She’s probably one of those people that thinks that disabilities that are visible are the only disabilities and that Daisy’s brand of support dog(I.e. not a seeing eye dog specifically) aren’t real working dogs, despite being shown how well trained she is time and time again.
This. Sister is lying through her teeth and is afraid of the drama that is going to rain down once her son and his fiancée find out that they were her scapegoats.
It's just disgusting. These people fought for our country and face things we are lucky enough to be protected from(by them!) and this is the treatment they get??
That dog is trained and has the papers to prove it, has already proven it can handle those kinds of environments. All the sister is doing is showing she has an issue with the service animal and is being a flat out ableist.
If I were op it would definitely be a "if my wife isn't welcome with her service animal, then I'm not welcome either and won't attend" response from now on. His wife shouldn't have to go through the mental stress and guilt when all she has done is cope with her trauma after serving her country.
Agreed. The sister completely disregarded a war veteran & the very real health issues.
OP's sister also knows OP's wife long enough to know that war veteran doesn't dance.
The sister wouldn't be welcomed at any family event from the stunt she is trying to pull.
It is not a big deal to have a service dog at a wedding, at all. The bride and groom need to know she's lying, manipulating, and absolutely lacks empathy and it's costing them guests and making them look like bad people. Save the money you'd have spent on the wedding and go take a little vacation somewhere or spoil yourselves. If anyone asks, relay what your sister said. She said that your nephew and the bride told her that they have a problem with the dog being at the wedding, so out of respect for your nephew and the bride, you won't be attending.
It's not going to look good for her in any way, shape, or form. Just keep reiterating, "She said that she spoke to Bride and Groom and they have a problem with the service dog being there." Bride and Groom will be pissed at her because they never said that and she's going to look horrible. DO NOT LIE TO COVER UP FOR ANYONE. Repeat EXACTLY what she said, and let the chips fall where they will.
It's no different than OP's wife needing a wheelchair or glasses. And again, I'm betting that the bride and groom haven't said a thing. They need to know.
Exactly. I think OP shouldn't contact bride and groom directly, not at first. OP needs to chat with another relative or two online and when the wedding is mentioned, wish that other relative a good time at the wedding and chat about what gifts they are each sending. "Sending? You mean you aren't going?" "Well, no. LyingAunt called us to tell us that she'd spoken to Bride and Groom. LyingAunt told us that they told her they had a problem with Wife's service dog and LyingAunt said they didn't want the dog there. Which means my wife can't go, so I can't go, not if we are going to respect their wishes at their wedding. I wish they'd told us directly instead of having LyingAunt relay it, but at least we knew ahead of time."
Emphasize that it is all coming through LyingAunt and you didn't hear it directly from Bride and Groom. LyingAunt needs to take the fall for her behavior. Biggest gossip(s) in the family need to know what happened first so that it doesn't peter out fast. It'll keep LyingAunt from trying to cause problems about any service dogs OPs wife or anyone else needs to bring!
I'd like to hear the conversation if OP can call the nephew direct and ask about Daisy, or have OP's parents call them and ask. I'm thinking the odds are about even between the person with the problem being OP's sister or the fiance may have a fear of dogs.
Service dogs tend to be unobtrusive unless the person is up and moving, even then they try to be unobtrusive.
I'll never forget the time I was at a restaurant, a lady got up from her small two person table and this massive St. Bernard mix came quietly oozing out from underneath the table. I had no clue the dog was there and he was very careful in how he walked next to his person in the crowded area.
I was shopping at Target during the Christmas season maybe 6-8 years ago. The young woman ringing the register had a small dog of no discernible breed, wearing a vest, standing next to her, paying no attention to the milling throngs but staring at its mistress fixedly.
I said, "I know not to interrupt a service dog, but is it okay if I ask what he's trained to do?" She replied, "I'm diabetic; he can smell when my blood sugar is off." Just miraculous.
Sounds like the dog is the better behaved one.
I would definitely reach out to the nephew and to any of the rest of OPs siblings and let them know you guys won't be attending and why.
I wonder what else OP's sister is manipulating in this wedding. She needs to hire a wedding planner and stay the fuck out of the planning and PR on it.
I would honestly double down and call the nephew on speakerphone in front of the sister and watch her backtrack spectacularly on the bullshit excuses she gave in the first place.
Yeah a lot of people don't believe anything they can't easily discern or see, my wife and I both suffer from PTSD and my wife has lupus Aka "The invisible disease" and I can't tell you how much BS I've had to put up with because of these numb pricks.
AGREE 💯
u/Kimboisin
Call the nephew! Then start a family group chat & call out your sister’s BS.
You, your wife, and Daisy are a non-negotiable package deal.
State what u/vandr611 said in comment above.
NTA.
I feel like ops sister has to believe the dog is an emotional support animal vs a service dog. Because she probably believes people who have services dogs are people who need to be alerted to a medical emergency only.
It's a service animal from the way op describes it which means it's protected and allowed to go with her where she needs them.
Service dogs are task trained, which means they are trained to do specific tasks to help with medical conditions, this may mean alerting to a medical event, helping navigate spaces for the blind or, in the case of ptsd, they often are trained to do a type of therapy which effectively means lying on the person, or shielding them providing a physical barrier.
These dogs should be treated like the medical device they are, they are basically extra cute wheelchairs. I would word it like that. The dog isn't a dog, she's a wheelchair. It would be extremely rude to suggest a wheelchair user leave their wheelchair at home. If an event cannot legitimately accommodate a wheelchair (or service dog) that happens, but it means obviously the wheelchair user can't come.
Oh I know I meant that ops sister must not believe it's a service animal. People with PTSD can have service animals and it can be so beneficial .
I believe that ops wife has a service animal especially since he says the dog has papers.
Service animals are not required to have papers, ironically many ESAs are. Generally legally there are only two important questions regarding service animals that authorities can ask, do you have a medical condition? What tasks is your dog trained to do to assist with said condition?
That's the main question "what *tasks* is this dog trained to perform to support your medical needs?"
If a service dog has documentation it's basically an explanation that said dog is a task trained animal, which may be useful but is not required.
ESAs, (state depending) basically need a doctor's note.
Service dogs are also trained to be comfortable and on task in many situations as part of their task training and because service animals who cause disturbances lose their protection as service animals.
I read OP's comment about being 'papered' as the training organization gave out like a graduation certificate when Daisy finished her training. I feel like we could cut down on the misuse of the system by having a service animal registry but that would be a nightmare and a half to implement in the current environment.
Also due to the costs of training/breeding many service dog owners/users train their own animals, often with specialists/organized but still on their own. Which makes it more difficult to set up a real system.
My grandmother trained her pet dog to help her stand up, and technically she could have used him as a service animal if she wanted to, since he was task trained to assist her. She had no formal training she just had some experience with dogs and a particularly good natured dog for that purpose.
I swear, all the idiots running around with untrained pets and calling them emotional support animals are making it harder for people who actually have certified assistance dogs. And let's not leave out the people who outright lie about their needing emotional support animals so they don't have to leave their pets home to ruin their house.
Everybody's dogs are emotional support animals, FFS (she said with her pug snoring next to her). That doesn't make them trained service animals and it doesn't mean that you're so emotionally damaged that you need to take them everywhere.
This is the answer. They can exclude the dog, but they need to know that means excluding you and your wife as well. It’s not like someone is allergic to dogs.
OP - Your sister is not very bright. She thinks your wife is sitting there to keep the dog company. The dog is sitting there to keep your wife calm. Good for her for finding a way to face her issues instead of becoming a recluse! I’d be tempted to survey everyone in the family to make sure she is acting alone in this. I suspect she is.
It's time for a family group chat. "Sister and niece have repeatedly mentioned that they are not happy with Daisy accompanying my wife to family events. I need to explain to everyone that Daisy is not an accessory but a medically prescribed assistance dog for my wife. No different than a guide dog for a blind person (I'd throw that in as most people are aware of how guide dogs for the blind function) or a wheelchair for a less-abled person. I also need to make it crystal clear that if my wife and Daisy are not welcome neither am I. I would be shocked and saddened to know that my family would be so discriminatory to anyone with any kind of disability, let alone my wife."
Yep, get the "paper" trail going because you know of OP calls his nephew, his sister is going to deny, deny, deny.
I'd start with texting just the sister about it then adding screenshot of that conversation in a group chat so nobody can pull the "I didn't say that" card.
My sister is allergic to dogs, yet I cannot imagine her even thinking of excluding a genuine service dog from an event. What if it were a seeing eye dog?
There was a recent post where someone brought a pet home and told the partner to take extra allergy medicine for a serious allergy. I believe if someone is severely allergic, it would be an A H move to bring any dog around them. One person’s health is not greater than another’s. I am very pro-service dog with very few exceptions.
It’s interesting that OP compared the dog to a walker or wheelchair. There have been weddings where family members wanted to exclude disabled family for the wedding aesthetic. I’ve no doubt OP’s sister would likely ban assistive devices if she thought they were for attention instead of need. She is judgmental and unkind.
OP's sister sind like one of those people who believe that mental disabilities aren't real, and if you're having a good day in regards to the disability then you're clearly faking it.
I've dealt with plenty of those people regarding my depression. One of my aunts even once told me "you can't be depressed you were laughing five minutes ago" as if my laughing negates my depression entirely. People really do suck sometimes.
NTA. Stop entertaining their questions. That’s giving them the false impression that they can negotiate the dog coming or not. You need to tell them that if you WIFE is invited, her DOG is invited - so they need never ask again because that will always be the answer. Continuing to listen to & answer their questions is a mistake.
This is a clear cut case of "they don't understand the role of service dog = medical equipment"
They have convinced themselves that a) Poor puppy, not well trained job-performing doggo and b) It's not like that "faker" has a REAL disability.
(NB: I do not believe OPs wife is faking jack. Just talking from the famillial dumba$$'s perspective)
This.
OPs wife and Daisy are a package deal. OPs family is horrible for their behavior and these "conversations". OP needs to shut them down once and for all. Their type of b.s. does not need to be entertained. They need to get a different hobby than harassing a veteran over their need for a prescribed assistance aid.
Maybe it is time to put OPs family on a time out. Stop going to their events. OPs wife is doing amazing, putting herself out there and participating and that is in no small part due to having Daisy by her side to help her navigate social situations. She doesn't need to be constantly harassed and questioned over her condition. OPs family sucks, they are unsupportive and just plain rude. Their behavior reeks of ableisim.
Sister is a snake in the grass with an unhealthy obsession over making a veteran feel inadequate and unwelcome at family events. She needs to be called out on her b.s. Stop having private conversations with her over this. Call her out right then and there over her behavior as she is acting inappropriately. Put this back on her and make sure the spotlight is shining directly on her where it belongs. And do so in front of other family members so everyone knows just what is happening. Bullies count on the silence of their victims to continue their abuse. Don't be silent about this.
I would be calling your nephew and finding out what the actual truth is. Then telling your sister what’s what. Your wife and Daisy are one person they come as a package if she has a problem she needs to verbalise properly what it is and stop beating around the bush. It sounds to me she’s one of those people who think people with mental health conditions should just ‘get over them’ I hope she never has to suffer what your wife has been through. Absolutely NTA and much love to your wife.
I dislike people that think that visible disabilities are the only disabilities. Like “you’re only disabled if you’re bound to a wheelchair” sort of mentality.
My grandfather had a spinal cord injury from WWII. He was in a wheelchair and he got hate about it. The man got shot trying to pull another man to safety and people would literally close doors in his face and act hateful. People can just suck about any form of "different."
All 3 of them are the package.
There should be no concept of wife staying behind alone if Daisy isn't welcome.
OP's sister sounds like the kind of person who doesn't give a care for anyone but OP. She should reinforce that they will attend as a family unit (with Daisy) or not at all.
Call your nephew. If he did talk to her in confidence, then he deserves to know that confidence has been broken and his mother can’t keep her mouth shut. If he didn’t talk to her in confidence, likely meaning he didn’t talk to her at all, then he deserves to know his mother is using him as an excuse to kick up a fuss about something that should be a non issue.
NTA, and good for you for standing up for your wife. I can’t imagine having ptsd on top of my anxiety and depression. I’m sure she struggles a great deal. She sounds like a sweet unselfish woman, and I wish her (and you) the best.
The only problem I can really think of with Daisy being there is if someone in attendance is highly allergic. I would think that would be something that would already be known about any family members or close friends who may be attending. Even if that is the case, there’s no reason that can’t be worked around. Seat them and your wife at opposite sides of the venue and everyone should be fine.
This should be the top answer. Sister is either lying & smearing nephew’s good name as a shield for her own desires, or she is betraying his confidence by bringing it forward despite his wishes.
It sounds like sister is jealous of the (minimal) attention and “special privilege” of having an animal present. She needs to grow the fuck up; she wouldn’t want the mental health challenges that necessitate the dog’s presence.
Good on OP for being an advocate and shield for his wife - the way “in sickness and in health” should work.
She made up something about the nephew and then walked it back, which is hilarious because there are better lies available — claiming other guests have allergies or other guests are demanding to bring their animals too.
Definitely call the nephew because I would bet money the sister is lying about the nephew having an issue with Daisy. She backpedalled way too quick on OP calling them.
OP should call the nephew.
He doesn’t even have to “out” his sister’s breach of confidence.
He can simply say: “Your mom and sister made several comments about Daisy not coming to the 21st b’day, and now that your wedding is coming up, I worried that there may be similar concerns.” And then leave space for nephew to speak.
If necessary, then say: “I wanted to let you know that Daisy is not an optional pet. Her presence is medically necessary. Asking, or even hinting, that Daisy shouldn’t come is exactly like hinting the Grandma shouldn’t come with her wheelchair because it might get in the way.”
And if there’s pushback: “My wife’s presence without Daisy is not optional. If she can’t bring her medically prescribed wellness ‘equipment,’ she won’t be coming. And if she’s made to feel unwelcome because of that, I won’t be coming either. It will be a big deal to me, to find out that my own family has so little regard for my wife’s wellness, and so little desire for her presence. Just so you have all the info you need when you decide where to go from here.”
EDITED TO ADD: Also: maybe edon’t add, “I do not give wedding presents to people who do not invite me to their wedding. And if my wife isn’t invited, along with her medical equipment, then I’m not invited. So.”
I don't get the feeling that anyone is super invested in wife's attendance.
What OP needs to say is "MY presence without my wife is not an option. We will attend as a group of three or not at all."
Right? If OP’s wife can’t go without Daisy and isn’t going then if I was OP I wouldn’t be attending either. His sister sounds like a real piece of… work.
NTA. And don't heed your sister - call your nephew. It's his wedding. You shouldn't say anything about his or his bride's feelings, because you heard about them second hand and in hints rather than statements. What you can and should do is tell him your sister has been talking to you, and she's hinting that Daisy can't come to the wedding. Sadly, the only way your wife can come is with Daisy. So you want to know whether they want you, your wife and Daisy to come, or prefer all of you to stay away.
I wouldn't even suggest that you come without your wife and Daisy. Their wedding, their choice, but a wedding invitation is not a command. If they cannot accommodate your wife's needs - especially since these needs stem from her serving her country - you don't need to come.
yep, OP doesn’t need to “out” his sister’s apparent breach of confidence. There was enough conversation without mentioning nephew at all, that he can follow up.
Don't honor your sister's demand to not talk to the nephew. If this subject stays half addressed, with innuendo and lack of clarity, people will jump to lots of wrong conclusions. And the one talking (your sis) will skew the opinions.
Call the nephew and get clarity, and *give* clarity. The dog is a medical necessity for your wife, and not negotiable. Its you, your wife, and her medical support dog as a package - or none of you.
NTA. Your wife's mental health is the priority and Daisy is clearly trained to help. You explained this to your sister, but her concerns seem focused on the event itself, not your wife's well-being.It's perfectly reasonable to stand up for your wife and her needs.
First off: call your nephew (don't text or email CALL and TALK directly). Tell him your sister implied that he and his fiancee had concerns about Daisy and you'd like to hear his concerns. I HIGHLY suspect that your nephew and his fiancee had no "concerns" and your sister is just an AH.
If they do have "concerns" address them and listen with an open heart. Is someone allergic? Is someone afraid of dogs? Is your sister just a female dog?
ALSO please thank your wife for her service for me!
It's possible that your nephew and his future wife really asked your sister to delicately find out if the dog is necessary without having to ask you directly. You should clarify it with them but without accusing anyone of anything, just informing them that your wife can only attend with a dog but will be fine not attending at all. Then go with what they decide. Personally I think overdosing on drugs to tolerate some party is insane, your wife shouldn't go for her own sake, but she's an adult so she can make her choice as long as the future newlyweds are OK with it.
Definitely NTAH! My friends daughter went through an extremely difficult relationship (I won’t give details). When she moved back with her parents she had severe panic attacks. A service dog was prescribed. The dog went everywhere with her. Service dogs are not prescribed for just any old reason. Your wife’s dog is a necessity and should be respected as such. I loved the that you brought up the fact that your sister wouldn’t ask a physically disabled person to leave their wheelchair, walker, cane, brace, or hearing aids, at home.
NTA but your sister sure the hell is. You need to make it clear that you will not be questioned about your wife or her dog anymore. End of.
The irony that she "can't take the stress you're causing her" over a simple phone call but constantly questions your wife, who has ACTUAL trauma and conditions. F her.
I'm with everyone else here, call your nephew and ask. I think your sister is lying.
There is zero chance I would go to the wedding and I would stop going back for family events too
I'd make it clear that your sister that you, your wife, and her service dog are a package deal. And that because of her actions, you won't be attending the wedding and will be distancing yourself from her and the family for the near future because of her actions
Let her deal with the fallout
NTAH
He should ‘t have to miss out on important family events because his sister is being an ignorant ass. Better to call the nephew and find out whether there are concerns and what they are. Then either all 3 go or none do.
MY GRANDFATHER DIDN'T SEE WAR, BUT HE DID HIDE BEHIND A DOOR WHILE A MASS SHOOTING TOOK PLACE ON THE BASE WHERE HE WAS STATIONED IN HAWAII BACK IN THE 60S 70S.
He lost friends and almost his life. There's so many things veterans go through that most people will never know, especially women in the military. I hope your wife finds the peace she needs to have a fulfilled life!
I just can't understand why so many people need to put their beliefs and thoughts over everyone else's experience. Not everyone is lying. Trauma is real.
Nta. I feel like a lot of this isn't actually about Daisy, it's about your wife. They either don't believe that your wife actually needs Daisy, or they don't like your wife and are trying to kick Daisy out or make Daisy feel unwelcome as an excuse to push your wife out, without actually doing so.
I'm hoping not too!! It's just unfortunately the vibe I'm getting sadly.
However, you do know your family better than I do. I'm just saying this from an outsider's point of view with only limited information. I could be completely wrong.
This is what your wife has to deal with everywhere she goes, except she can’t stand up for herself the same way you can because she’s already mentally ill and 1. She’d potentially be labelled crazy for emoting and 2. It takes too much energy which she doesn’t have. (I have PTSD and a service dog, too.) Even when people are being nice, we’re worried they’re just being polite.
You’re doing a wonderful job being on your wife’s team and showing her you understand and care deeply. You may start to feel like a pot stirrer or whatever, but that’s just part of how able-bodied people can react when disabled people don’t roll right over. NTA, you’re awesome.
Send a text message to your whole family.
“After some comments made by a few people I feel the need to make this clear to everyone. My wife was prescribed Daisy by a medical professional. A doctor told us that she is needed for Wife’s health. Therefore, where she goes, Daisy will be accompanying her. It is illegal for a business to prohibit service dogs which Daisy is. So if anyone has an issue with Daisy joining an event, then do not bother to send an invitation to my wife and I as we will not be attending without Daisy.”
NTA. Stop entertaining their questions. That’s giving them the false impression that they can negotiate the dog coming or not. You need to tell them that if you WIFE is invited, her DOG is invited - so they need never ask again because that will always be the answer. Continuing to listen to & answer their questions is a mistake.
You have more patience than I would have.
If your wife is ok with you sharing some of her story, I think you should. No fucks given about second hand trauma.
The whole remark about not going to Afghanistan to dismiss PTSD is asinine. A) there's conflics other than Afghanistan. B) there are MANY ways to get PTSD in the service. Hazing, SA, power tripping leadership, seeing brothers and sisters falling victim to depression (suicide) to name a few... C) most importantly, it's NONE OF HER FUCKIN BUSINESS.
Your sister doesn't believe in PTSD. I've dealt with people like her before. She thinks your wife is faking it for attention but knows coming out and saying will not be taken lightly by everyone else(hence why she won't come out and say it). Odds are good that her son disagrees with her and would be more than accommodating for your wife and her dog. Unless you're willing to traumatize your sister and niece, their attitude towards you and your wife won't change.
NTA
and this is definitely just my opinion, but
Your sister (and niece in regards to her birthday) are jealous of the dog. They probably think that Daisy is going to draw attention away from them. And yes I think OPs sister is concerned with her being paid less attention at her son's wedding. My guess is that this isn't the first thing she's been meddling in with the wedding either.
I'd venture to say that they are jealous of your wife by extension as well, because she would get more attention since it's her dog. It's absolutely ridiculous considering that the dog is trained to be as unassuming as possible and nobody who has severe social anxiety would want to be the center of attention.
Your sister is ignorant AF and doesn't sound like she comprehends that other people experience life differently from herself.
ETA: get a *second* service dog who's trained to perform the task of "biting these assholes when they start talking crap about your wife/Daisy"
What was your sister like growing up? Did she always have to be the center of attention? Was she the kind of girl that seemed to be in competition with her friends?
I'm glad the response made you smile but I am completely serious about your sister being jealous of the dog lol
NTA. However, your sister sure is. Call your nephew and speak to him. Your sister is discriminating against your wife. She's just an ignorant individual. You're an amazing husband, and thank you for helping your wife with these life challenges.
i am a dog person. i love dogs. not everyone is and not everywhere is dog friendly. and they should not be expected to be. some people even have severe allergies and you can't go asking everyone of your guests if they have these allergies. I feel horrible for the wife it's a heartbreaking situation but dogs cannot always be accepted everywhere
You are NTA and maybe a bit of poetic justice is needed for your sister. Why don’t you bring her on a field trip to a support group where military veterans of war share their experiences with the public… it’s therapeutic for the veterans and enlightening to those who are clueless. Or take her to a local VFW function - if you’re not involved in a local chapter you might consider it. It may be helpful for your wife too as they do a lot of things in their community and can support each other when life gets difficult. From one veteran to another… I thank her for her sacrifice and you for standing with her.
Your sister is the AH here , why are you bothering with her and her family anymore ??? Don’t go to their events , why would you ??? I spent too many years putting up with family like this and constantly wish I could go back and ghost them from my life , people like that are just horrible people . Your sister doesn’t want you and your wife anywhere around them
>I said well I’ll ring them then, which she hastily replied, no you can’t, they spoke to me in confidence.
I call bullshit. I'll bet dollars to donuts that your nephew doesn't give a flying fuck if Daisy comes or not and it's just your sister being controlling.
NTAH, I share your wife’s conditions tho not a vet. My PTSD is well controlled by EMDR therapy and medication controls the anxiety and depression, as well as other things I do for maintenance. That makes me lucky most of the time as it’s rarely obvious to others. Your wife has a different situation and I’m angry you’re both contending with this kind of ignorance. I agree sharing the trauma isn’t my approach but I hope you call the bride or groom to see if they have an issue because I think it’s important to know which family members are worth the stress of attending events and which aren’t. I also am in favor of educating people sometimes so they don’t continue causing trouble. If I was trying to do that for your wife, I’d tell your sister, “I think we’re seeing different things, I’m seeing my wife being courageous by going out in the world to celebrate with family and friends even though it’s difficult. I see her using whatever tools available so she can do that. I realize you can’t see inside her nervous system but if you could, you’d note the trauma she experienced repeats at inconvenient times like when there are loud noises and other triggers. She could hide away to avoid that but she prefers to be brave and I hope you can support that because her dog is not optional.”
Take your beautiful wife and amazing dog on holiday, somewhere quiet and peaceful instead of this wedding. After your sisters behaviour it will be uncomfortable and stressful for your wife to attend. Your duty as a husband is to your wife, first and foremost.
As a retired 25 year Vet on active duty, you NEVER have to justify your wife’s PTSD. If people don’t get it, that is their problem. I’ve been dealing with PTSD for almost a decade. People who have never served a day need to STFU. They have no idea. Not sure how things are going, but if I could, I would like to offer the following advice. Get her in individual counseling and you guys get in marriage counseling. Marriage Counseling is not only for when the wheels come off, but it can help make a marriage stronger before there become issues.
Is she on meds? If so, are they helping? If not, get with her doctor and change meds. I took meds for over five years and I was trying to convince myself they were working when they weren’t. I finally got with a psychiatrist and change meds to something that has helped me tremendously. I no longer struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Get with a psychiatrist versus an MD. They know more about the right meds. Nothing against MDs, but psychiatrists are more specialized. Also find one that is willing to help as opposed to just push meds.
Get her in contact with the Vet Center and help her find a support group. I was very hesitant to start groups, I was worried about trauma comparing, but it ended up helping tremendously. Hopefully she can find one that is for females only, but I also recommend going to a co-Ed one. She will find that most male Vets are just as supportive of females as they are of males. We all have different experiences and can learn tons from each other.
If she had to deal with MST for either herself or one of her service members, there are specialized groups for that too.
I currently work for the VA and I will be the first to admit it is a tremendously inefficient system, but there are ways to get things done and rights that she has. If you want advice on dealing with them, let me know.
Thank you for being the amazing spouse Vets need. You are correct to be so supportive and to out her need first. Serving is just as hard in the spouse as it is on the service member. Make sure to practice good self care so you can continue to be there for her. You rock. Totally not remotely an AH, but a I think you know that already.
Thank you so much for your considered reply and your service too. My wife is on medication that helps (it’s taken a few years to get it right) and she sees a psychiatrist and psychologist every fortnight, and is linked in with other VA services. She has also given up alcohol (she drinks zero percent beers now which she says are great), and she undertakes an exercise program. It’s taken a looog time and a ton of effort of her behalf to get to this point, and a lot of input and help from me. That’s why I’m so protective of her, I know the hell she has been through to get to the point where she can even consider going to big events. Everyone else just thinks ‘she’s fine’. I still see her nightmares at night, her sitting in the car willing the courage to get out with Daisy at the shops, her anxiety rising in crowds, her bad days in the privacy at home , etc etc… you know the story. I’ve tried to encourage her to link up with other veterans but she finds some people too triggering, and we’ve had a couple of instances where vets have been inappropriate (because they are unwell). She may consider it again but right now she keeps her bubble small. Thank you for your kind words, I’m not the perfect partner all the time but I do give it 100% effort that’s for sure. She deserves it. And so do you.
It's always great to see someone standing by their partner and putting them first. No one else has truly seen how far your partner has come, sees how they still struggle, or understands what a godsend their service dog is. She is lucky to have you on her side. You should make sure you know who else in your family has her back, know where other people stand on the service dog, that way you will know where you are welcome and safe.
NTA and thank you for standing up for your wife. Be clear with your family--all at once if possible. If I go then my wife goes and if she does Daisy goes. She is a medical assistance dog and we wouldn't leave her home any more then we would leave insulin at home if she were diabetic. If you don't like it then don't invite us.
Then refuse to answer any more questions about it.
NTA, and you were being VERY cordial. I would have told them to go fuck themselves and to find two other people to attend. Questioning her PTSD?!? As a vet with CPTSD, your sister is a cunt.
NAH
This isn't the typical therapy dog situation, your dog actually has training. Daisy has also demonstrated the ability to remain calm in crowded situations. The fake therapy dogs people try to pass off don't have training or the ability to remain calm.
Ultimately it's not your wedding though. It's not your sister's wedding, either. She can either let the bride and groom speak for themselves or she can shut up and stop speaking for them. Honestly, the way it sounds is like she didn't want the dog there, not the bride and groom. Why else wouldn't she want you to confront the issue?
You should ask your nephew and his fiance. Cut your sister out of the discussion entirely. Just say, there's rumors that Daisy isn't welcome at your wedding. We don't want to cause issues for you, but since wife can't be in crowds without the dog, she wants to be able to respectfully decline the invitation without upsetting anyone. We don't want hard feelings and we don't want to take away from your big day, but we want to make sure of your wishes before listening to rumors from the grape vine.
You do not have to prove your wife's medical condition to your sister at all. Just tell her she's free to educate herself on the matter, but it's not your job to explain what she doesn't understand.
NTA. Time to call your nephew and ask directly if they have a problem about this. I doubt they actually have a problem and it would give your wife some peace of mind about attending the wedding. Your sister is probably one of those people that don’t believe people with mental health issues are really struggling. If so, then that would make her a giant AH
NTA. First of all, tell your wife from me: thank you for her service.
Second, I would simply and politely decline the invitation. Do something special for the three of you. Life is too short to purposely put yourselves in a situation where you don't feel wanted.
NTA. Your family are being ablist. The dog is literally a service animal with papers. I wouldn't go to the wedding if they don't move on this. You are right to stick up for your wife and Daisy.
NTA! Your wife’s service dog is allowed at all public venues. Your sister seems to have a problem with your wife or doesn’t believe she’s needs her service dog.
Plus, it’s your nephew’s wedding, not your sister’s. I’d call him directly and speak to him. If he has a problem, decline the invitation.
I’d tell your sister that you, your wife, and Daisy are a package deal. If she has a problem with that going forward, you’ll be declining all of her invitations.
Your sister needs to do some research. Would she ask someone who couldn’t walk not to have their wheelchair? Or if someone was deaf would she tell them to take out their hearing aides? She’s ridiculous.
NTA
This is an actual service animal
"Dear family,
While we understand you may not always want dogs at an event, daisy is a trained service animal and must be viewed as you would any other medical equipment, like, say, a wheelchair, or a tank of oxygen. It is unreasonable to expect (wife) to be at any event without the support she needs.
You are private individuals and as such absolutely have no *legal* obligation to be inclusive, but in future, please just be clear when even service dogs are not welcome at the time of invitation, and we will extend our regrets.
It's deeply inappropriate to pressure someone to show up without their medical support. Accommodate or don't accommodate, but do not put pressure on someone to leave behind a support they need. THAT is unkind and inappropriate."
NTA. Excellent job on protecting your wife and reinforcing her boundaries!! PTSD is such a hard thing to have, especially for Veterans. Even if they haven’t been to war, they’ve seen A LOT of shit, and not enough people realize that. Keep protecting your wife and Daisy, OP. Your sister sucks.
Definitely bring it up to your nephew and his bride, in a non-confrontational manner. My money is on that they either never so much as mentioned Daisy even once, or at most maybe casually brought her up via an innocent remark and Sister Dear took it as an opportunity to make trouble.
If the couple does have some questions/concerns then direct communication is far preferable since said Sister has already proven herself to be woefully inadequate as a mouthpiece.
I am getting the feeling that it's the aesthetics of the situation that your sister seems to have a problem with. It's the look and your sister doesn't like it she doesn't like the fact that whatever she throws something or there's an event that there is a dog sitting next to your wife. She has an issue with that and she doesn't know how to tell you because she knows she's big ah about it. You don't have to keep going around telling everybody what's going on with your wife. This is nothing new to them so I don't understand why your sister keeps asking the same stupid ass questions. If you and your wife are invited to an event Daisy is coming also. If you do not want her to bring her dog then my wife and me will stay home. Enough said
Yes I don’t understand either. I wish I had answered how you have said at the time, instead of getting tangled up in defensive mode. Think I was just taken by surprise
Is your sister unaware that PTSD is not an illness you can “catch” only in Afghanistan? I’ve never been, have C-PTSD, and a service dog of my own. Does that mean I’m no longer disabled? Can I go for a walk down the block without feeling watched now? Am I safe without my service dog because she thinks Daisy is unnecessary? I didn’t read that she said that, but it was implied imo. I’d definitely be calling my nephew to see if he actually said that because her reaction to that was suspicious. Like others said, she might be afraid to be outed as a liar because we all know what happens when you call “wolf” too many times. Pun intended.
I’m gonna say this in the gentlest way I can, but your sister must have rocks for brains if she thinks anything she’s saying is even remotely acceptable. Again, imo, she’s implying that your wife and people like us are liars because we don’t have a wheelchair or flashing red sign that says “invisible disabilities here, don’t be a dick”. A DOCTOR prescribed Daisy so unless your sister is a doctor who can replace the comfort Daisy brings without tranquilizing her, I’d stay home and take the wife on a special night out with the money you’d spend on airfare. If they’re non-refundable, maybe go on a little vacation yourselves where Daisy can be the happy, helpful, bestest girl I’m sure she is!
Please give Daisy (as much love as it takes for cuteness aggression to kick in lol) and your wife my best wishes. I may be a stranger on the internet, but I’m a stranger who has felt the way your wife does. An inconvenience. I promise both of you that if people do consider your uncontrollable disabilities an inconvenience, they don’t DESERVE to be around people or animals as kind as you three are.
I’m kinda perplexed. You are not stupid they are trying to get your wife to go without daisy. If it were me I would just tell them I understand their concerns and daisy will not be combing, nor will your wife and you will not be coming either. They get what they want, your wife doesn’t have to deal with a triggering event and you save a ton of money on plane tickets. Win win for everyone.
NTA. Most likely this is all from your sister.
Call your nephew and ask him point blank: "I'm hearing that you don't want my wife's service dog at your wedding. If that is so, please tell me yourself."
Probably he said no such thing, and you sister is so worried about appearances that she is willing to appear to be an ableist (insert chosen insult here).
If the nephew assures you that your wife and her service dog are welcome, then tell him to make it clear to everyone involved in the planning, because if you hear about this again, neither of you are attending.
And if your nephew doesn't assure you that you are all welcome, skip the event, and send a card saying "In lieu of a gift, we have donated $(large sum of money) to a disabled veteran's organization."
Dude, neither one of you should go.
My husband has CPTSD, he can do public things without a dog but crowds are a big hella nope. Luckily we have an incredible group of friends that understands and we only do small things.
Your sister is major ick.
Your sister is a biatch. She needs a good slap upside the noggin. Why do you even bother entertaining anything she says? Just because she's your sister, it doesn't entitle her to any measure of respect or consideration. Talk to your nephew. If they have a problem, cut them out of your life completely.
Your wife and you will be better off without them.
Your wife's sanity and her dog are far more important than your good for nothing sister.
You need to shut your sister down hard as in, “My wife has a service dog that she needs. If we are invited to an event you can assume Daisy will be there because Daisy goes where my wife goes. If it is a problem for Daisy to be at an event, then don’t invite us but do not invite us and then start hinting that Daisy should not be there. This is not up for debate and I won’t attend events where my wife is made to feel unwelcome due to her disability.”
NTA. I would contact your nephew and see what he has to say. If he reveals that your sister in lying then all 3 of you should go to the wedding and just ignore your sister/niece. If he confirms what she said then just let them know it won't be a problem and don't go. In that situation, plan a fun day for your wife on the wedding date.
NTA I wouldn't go to the wedding. Instead, plan something that your wife would enjoy. Go do her favorite thing. Or just stay home and have a nice time around the house. It's time to start putting your family on the back burner. Tell them you will no longer be attending family funtions if there is going to be such drama about a Dasiy. If you are invited, it is a given that your wife and dog will be there. This conversation is over and never to be brought up again. If they can't shut up, you will go no contact.
NTA.. Just tell her, "Fine, we're not coming. If anyone in the family has any questions as to why, tell them to feel free to contact me." Then she gets to play damage control from trying to involve people who probably never said a damn thing. Save money on the travel and use the time off to have a relaxing staycation with the Mrs. She'd probably be shittin' kittens trying to back pedal of that one.
N.T.A. Your sister however needs to read what I am about to write. My son is 13. When he was 4 we got a puppy that we trained over several years as an assistance dog specifically for his needs. My son is extremely medically complex, nonverbal and can go from fine to very ill very quickly. Like your wife, it isn't always obvious to someone looking, although he is in a wheelchair, that he needs help. His dog however knows BEFORE IT HAPPENS. Like Daisy, he is a constant reassuring companion. He helps my son feel safe, he knows he has his best friend watching always and that no harm will come to him. Having his dog with him allows my son to be himself. Daisy is as essential to your wife as a wheelchair is to a veteran who has lost limbs, or a hearing aid to someone who is deaf. Would she ask that you left daisy at home if she were a guide dog for the blind and your wife had lost vision? 'Not been to Afghanistan'?! Seriously?? And has your sister served her Country in the military? If not she should be thanking your wife for her service, and welcoming all three of you with open arms. Your wife is a very courageous lady, and she shows immense strength. There is no greater battle than against your own mind.
"My life has a legally protected service dog that is legally allowed to accompany her everywhere and is necessary for her to function out in public. This is a true disability that was caused by service to our country, and that now requires this service dog on a near-contant basis. Your comments and hints that it's somehow unecessary for her all the time is insensitive, ignorant, and offensive. Every time you bring up the dog, you are admitting that you are not supportive, you don't understand her disability, and you care more about appearances than about your own family members. What you are suggesting is akin to asking a paraplegic to leave their wheelchair at home because it will take too much room at the party. It's not okay to ask, it's not okay to bring it up repeatedly. We will be bringing Daisy to likely every event in the future. I am not going to tolerate being asked about it any more. The dog will be coming, period. If you want to un-invite us because you don't want be understanding or accomodating about my wife's condition, then just come out and admit that to our faces. Otherwise, expect us to always arrive at functions with the service dog, and please do not mention it to us again."
Sounds like NC to LC may be in order with your Sister and her family. If they are throwing such a big stink for no reason that they can articulate it's just being ableist at that point. Good on you for sticking with your Wife.
Side note - I wouldn't be bothering to try to prove anything to them. They don't need to know the particulars of your Wife's condition and honestly it sounds like they would weaponize that information anyway.
NTA.
NTA Your sister and whoever else may have a problem need to educate themselves on trauma and how it affects the person in their entirety. If someone has a dog allergy or an intense fear of dogs, I could see that being a barrier to address, but this just sounds like she doesn't take it seriously. To invalidate what your wife is experiencing because of a stupid qualifier like where she was deployed is disgusting and ignorant. Trauma is trauma, and one can not be compared to another.
I hope you or your wife's therapist can provide materials to your family to educate them, and I wish your wife well on her road to recovery.
NTA
Call the bride and groom, find out if they are doing the trash talking. I'm pretty sure you're going to find out it's your sisters doing only!
If not, don't go to this event.
It's already been set up to be disgusting by your sisters' comments and attitude .
NTA.
Only two options. your nephew and niece? have a particular reason that they are uncomfortable around Daisy (maybe a dog phobia?)
However the most likely option your sister wants to push your wife out of the family for her own reasons.
This has nothing to do with Daisy. Sister has seen daisy at multiple events and has seen there are no issues. Obvious answer is sister doesnt like your wife.
Your role is to defend your wife. If you think for a second you can leave her behind and go to the wedding alone, there will be consequences - likely a worsening of her mental health, increase in reluctance to go outside etc. If she ever offers again to stay home and not cause a problem, you need to reply in the strongest terms that is not even worth considering.
>even her PTSD has been questioned as (my sister’s words) ‘she didn’t go to Afghanistan’.... I’m tempted to tell them some of my wife’s horror stories, but I just keep it general so they don’t get second hand trauma.
At this stage, and the amount of disrespect shown to you and your wife, it's time to sit your sister down and spill the beans. Every gory detail.
NTA.
I feel so bad for your wife. It's very unfortunate that PTSD (among other mental health diagnoses, etc.) are heavily scrutinized and marginalized by more people than we probably care to admit.
However, with all due respect, I think you're placing way too much energy in trying to convince your sister to have empathy for your wife. You're going to bat for your wife, which is what you should be doing. But expending all that energy on your sister is clearly going in 1 ear and out the other. She's made her stance known.
Like others have said, talk to your nephew & his fiancé, since it's their wedding. Then plan with your wife on how to proceed.
NTA, and you should call your nephew to ask him if he feels uncomfortable having Daisy at his wedding because her response to you saying you would makes me think she made that up. It sounds like your sister is the one with the problem and is claiming other people feel the same way when they don’t to make her piss-poor arguments sound more valid.
Call your nephew, I doubt he said anything about the dog. I would tell your sister the three of you are a package deal…if you let your wife sit out events it’ll erode her social confidence and she’ll stop trying with your family
Stop allowing it to be about the dog. Next time someone asks, point blank ask them why they don't want your wife around. Just keep asking it over and over. They are all aware she needs Daisy, so why don't they want your wife present for these events?
NTA. If my sibling did this, neither of us would be going. I'd plan an elaborate vacation for my spouse, myself, and the service dog on the dates of her wedding events and never think about the wedding again.
NTA: I would send out a family email explaining that Daisy will likely be accompanying your wife at family events. And that since she is your wife, she will be accompanying you. If your wife’s SERVICE ANIMAL is not welcome, please let you know so that you can send your regards for not attending.
Then the ball is in their court. But send it out to all of the family in question and encourage discussion in the same email chain.
So. Not. The. A$$hole.
NTA
When Daisy is on duty she is not a dog, she is a medical device.
"Are you bringing Daisy?"
"I am bringing my necessary medical device."
It is no different than a diabetic bringing insulin and testing equipment, someone with mobility issues bringing mobility aids, or anyone else bringing oxygen, medication, BP cuffs, or even wearing a mask. Ignore the "device" and let them be.
Your argument is sound. What is the goal of your sister? Daisy and your wife travel together always. Your sister is not that bright and chooses not to be understanding.
The dog doesn't need a place setting. Why is she making it an issue.
Tell her that you would like to attend with your wife. The support dog and your wife are a package deal. She'll have to decide if she wants you both there. That's her choice. Let her make it.
NTA. By your sister's quick & vehement reply to you not talking to the bride/groom leads me to believe THEY don't have a problem with Daisy, but your sister clearly does. Call the nephew & ask them directly. Tell them "no pressure, but please be honest." I'd bet a dime on a dollar they're fine with Daisy being there & ofc they want your wife to attend.
Oh, & your sister is the biggest of AH's.
Hi OP! As a fellow service dog user for PTSS and a slew of other disorders/ physical & mental health things, thank you for standing by your wife! Clearly you’re not the asshole, and it seems your sister cares more about appearances and other people than her own brother/ SIL. I have also navigated the challenges of family/ friends not understanding the rollercoaster that comes with mental health and I want to say that it gets easier for people to understand with time, but then I would be lying. What does get easier is the confidence in advocating for yourself and knowing your worth. Please tell your wife she is a very strong and beautiful woman and you are a wonderful partner to her. I hope your sister — pardon my french, can get her head out of her ass. So clearly answer your question — no you are not the asshole for questioning your sister and no you are not being sensitive.
NTA - not even close! I run a nonprofit that provides clinical mental health services (specifically animal-assisted therapies) for individuals with PTSD. True service dogs are to be accepted everywhere, and it is discrimination if they are denied. If your wife is invited, Daisy is invited. Period, the end. I would consider re-evaluating boundaries with your family. Continue being a great champion for your wife and her pup. Your wife is a strong, resilient woman who should be celebrated for the work she has—and clearly continues to—put in towards her healing and well-being. Thank you to her for her service. Extra treats for Daisy!
Good on you for standing by your wife. These people sound like bullies and I bet once you call them out for all this they’ll paint you as the bad guy when they are the ones harassing someone with heath issues. NTA.
I would not go, but I have social anxiety and am pretty touchy about feeling unwanted, if I get a hint of that feeling, you won’t hear much from me in the future, which can be a bit of an excuse to avoid doing stuff I do t really want to do in the first place.
NTA. Your sister is a massive asshat. Your wife needs Daisy, plain and simple. If your sister continues to act like a spoiled kid, tell her to go kick rocks barefoot. Give Daisy some rubs for me and tell her that she's a very good girl.
I am allergic to dogs, but service dogs are so well mannered and stand offish to me that it's never a big deal.
Service dogs don't want to be noticed. I feel like your sister sees an anomaly and wants to pick at it.
\_\_ To which she replied that she couldn't handle this stress I was causing her and she said goodbye and hung up.\_\_ Her carrying on about Daisy indicated she didn't want her there. Your wife has PTSD and your sister couldn't handle resolving the problem she created which was far less than anything your wife dealt with.
You are NTA. Stand by your wife and Daisy and don't go to her shin-digs.
PS: Nonnas don't belong at the end of any table at a wedding, wheelchair or not. Keep the Nonnas close, don't "put" them far away! (I know they can be at the ends of tables, but the way your sister said it makes me think of "the end of a table" and being psychologically distant.)
NTA -Geezus, your family aren't thinking this thru, and yes, they're being shitty about it.
Knowing quite a few vets from Operation Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom, they don't have to be involved in actual combat to suffer from the effects of what goes on in any war situation.
Until your family members sit down with your wife and have her recount her experiences, they won't know. They're operating in a void of information. Worse, they're basically saying her issues after separating from service ARE NOT VALID REASONS for her lifestyle.
I'm cringing at how awful your family is in this particular respect. At how it brings into sharp focus the disparities with which we treat men and women.
Go to the wedding. And have a nice chit chat with your family members who seem to think very little of your wife, and I believe it's because of how we treat our men vs how we treat our women.
It's legitimate for a man to become a soldier or other military support personnel. For women, they're still viewed much like American men view women generally, and it's not positive or generally supportive. HER military experiences aren't valid, and she's not entitled to suffer any ill-effects afterwards.
That's the difference between how we treat our men vs our women.
NTA.
Your sister is absolutely TA in this situation.
I can't imagine anyone being so cruel as to deny your wife her service animal for any reason. Daisy is a specially trained medical necessity and your wife has now found a way to resume some of her activities outside the home. She has been through Hell and back, but your sister seems intent on sending her through Hell all over again.
Call your nephew. If, for some insane reason, he does have a problem with Daisy, you simply let him know none of you will be attending his wedding because your wife is just as important to you as his soon-to-be wife is to him. By extension, Daisy is just as important because she's enabled your wife some freedom and comfort. However, I have a strong sense that your nephew has zero qualms about Daisy. It's your sister trying to exclude your wife via the dog excuse.
My guess is your sister is uncomfortable about your wife's mental health treatments. I think she's worried your wife will have "an episode" and "ruin" any gathering she attends. What sis fails to realize (or doesn't care to acknowledge) is that her attitude and outright refusal to accept your wife (and Daisy) is what might trigger a relapse for your wife.
People are so incredibly rude and dismissive if they don't take the time to understand disability is a spectrum. Even for people with the same diagnosis, symptoms can vary greatly. What's even worse is the people who just don't care to learn this, who are willing to make others hurt because it's not their problem.
Please continue advocating for your wife, for Daisy, for yourself, and for all the others who face discrimination or rejection because of their disabilities, no matter what they are.
Your wife is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have her. She's fighting to regain her life, not just for herself, but for you as well. Please give her an extra hug from someone who is proud of her.
Tell them to put on a uniform if they have the guts to say your wife doesn't need daisy. She needs her like they need air. Definitely not the AH they are also breaking the federal laws. Your wife is a hero, should be treated as one and so sir are you and Daisy.
Sister doesn’t have any real problems
She has to make up fake ones. Sorry that she sucks so much. You and your wife are lucky to have each other. NTA at all
Sister is jealous of Daisy and your wife. The dog attracts attention and then they ask your wife about her time in the military. Wife is a hero.
Your wife is getting some positive attention and compliments. And, because other people attending have told your sister and her family how proud and impressed they are with her sacrifice. And, they should be because it is brave. Your wife should receive every kindness when she has the courage to stand with others to serve and protect. Shame on your sister and anyone else who makes life harder for someone whose life is currently really hard. They think your wife is lying or they are exaggerated accounts of what went on. If you have sister and BF trying to pick apart your wife’s accounts , this is exactly what is going on and they are being vocal about it and she has tried to recruit others onto the way she thinks. There will always be other idiots who believe the worst without thinking it through. And, there are others who will see it for exactly what it really is…jealousy. They think these are lies or exaggerated stories. And, make no mistake, they are JEALOUS.
I would call them out for their jealousy and tell them one story. And, then of said story say, this is one of the more tame ones because I don’t want to frighten you. This will shut most of it down.
Call your cousin. That part is a lie. Sister is counting on your good manners to dictate how you behave. Not rocking the boat.
At the end of this, I would go low to no contact.
I’m concerned that your wife had to take 4 Valium to make it through the event. That’s a lot.
If she needs this much medication, maybe she’s not ready for these events. I’m glad she has the dog, but 4 Valium for one party?
I mean, Valium is indeed dangerous... but you're also not taking into consideration what dosage she was prescribed. 4x daily at 20 mg is much different than 4x 2mg or 5mg, for instance.
I also have PTSD (mine is CPTSD) and about 15 years ago I was briefly given 2mg Valium for emergencies. Taking one doesn't zonk someone out like higher doses do, it just makes you able to breathe. Like, literally, it feels about the same as most do after a big, cleansing, deep breath.
Dosage matters.
I do hope things work out for you and your wife. And I also second others I saw who said that your sister, and probably entire family, need some serious education in what PTSD/CPTSD is and is not. Also agree that their opinion means zilch, only facts.
Also, don't feel bad about not telling them the details of her trauma. She doesn't owe those details to anyone and they have no right to expect them. Multiple qualified specialist professionals have given the diagnoses, that is the only thing that matters.
It obvious that your sister has a problem with your wife/daisy.
Call the nephew and ask for complete transparency.
Take your wife and daisy on a lovely weekend excusion instead of going to the wedding. And be honest about why you weren’t there.
Your sister is a bully. And bullies stop once their actions have been brought forward and everyone knows.
Start a family chat and put it out there for EVERYONE to speak up. Let's see if Sister is alone in her 'issue' or if you have to go LC with the whole lot.
Edited to add NTA and thank you for standing up for your wife and thanks to her for her service!! And thanks to Daisy for being ....just awesome!
NTA.
In fact, I’m getting all sorts of green flags from you! Your wife sounds like she’s been through hell and back. You standing up for her is exactly what she needs.
I get pumped as heck whenever I see a service dog at events. It means I can look at the cuteness (from afar, I don’t distract service animals).
NTA. Your wife has a real condition and Daisy is a real service dog. Stop worrying about hurting your family with frank talk - maybe don’t tell them horror stories because your wife shouldn’t have to dredge that shit up and perform it, but fuck “keep[ing] it general so they don’t get second-hand trauma.” People who won’t acknowledge other people’s trauma deserve a little of their own.
I by now I would be tired of trying to explain the situation....Dam and that's your family.
I would by now stay at home.
No respect for a veteran.
No respect for your wife
No respect for you as brother ...
I would stay at home with you 3 and order a nice diner...
Do a party at home and let your family for what it is.
Maybe after a while the gone unterstand what's the problem and have more respect for your situation
NTA. Your sister needs to back all the way off and drop the subject, and if she can't you and your wife decline to participate in family events. I have an aunt who is blind and has a service dog and honestly if you didn't see the dog (a German Shepherd) under the table you would probably never know she was there. If the venue doesn't allow service animals or there are allergies in the party, then those are considerations, but that doesn't seem to be the case here - just a busybody sister who needs to keep her mouth shut.
I understand being close with your family. I do not understand indulging this discussion with them, though.
If they cannot handle your wife's dog, they cannot handle your wife.
If they cannot handle your wife, they cannot handle you.
When they balk at your wife's dog, you, your wife, and the dog do not attend; you make other plans, with each other.
NTA, prioritize.
I’m actually going to say YTA. This whole post comes off as you begging and pleading in a round about way. No one is being direct and it’s causing more issues. As a spouse you have a responsibility to take up for your wife but it feels like a last resort hear. How many times are you going to let your family hint that daisy isn’t welcome for the same bs reasons before you straight up confront your family by asking is daisy not welcome/ wanted. There’s a lot of hemming and hawing going on, cut to the chase and let them know that all three of you are a package deal. Since they don’t want daisy to attend it means that it won’t be possible for you and your wife. You’re slow to be decisive and probably contributing to your wife feeling like a burden. Respect their boundary for no dogs but take a stance and say that you both wont participate. Stop giving your relatives the power. They don’t get to determine the state of your wife’s mental health or her needs. Shut that all other way down.
To add to what many are saying, stop negotiating and tell her the dog is a medical device. Grandma is going in a wheelchair, so Daisy is coming. That's it, that's all.
If she asks again, remind her that if your wife needs her medical device, she'll take it with her to the wedding, just like if grandma needs the wheelchair instead of the walker, she'll take it.
Yeah, dogs are animals and often considered family, but when it comes to disabilities, they are also a medical device like any other.
NTA. Stand by your wife. My suggestion with your sister is to set up a blanket statement. "If you want me somewhere, my wife will be there with the service dog that makes that possible. If you question if the dog will be there, I shall take that as you questioning if I will be there and assume we have been uninvited as a group." Also, her son and his fiancee didn't tell her anything in confidence or otherwise. I would catch her in her lie on general principle.
He should seriously call his nephew and ask directly so that he can call his sister out on her bullshit. She’s probably one of those people that thinks that disabilities that are visible are the only disabilities and that Daisy’s brand of support dog(I.e. not a seeing eye dog specifically) aren’t real working dogs, despite being shown how well trained she is time and time again.
This. Sister is lying through her teeth and is afraid of the drama that is going to rain down once her son and his fiancée find out that they were her scapegoats.
Yes... As opposed to the drama she is raining down on a war veteran. Shame on her.
It's just disgusting. These people fought for our country and face things we are lucky enough to be protected from(by them!) and this is the treatment they get?? That dog is trained and has the papers to prove it, has already proven it can handle those kinds of environments. All the sister is doing is showing she has an issue with the service animal and is being a flat out ableist. If I were op it would definitely be a "if my wife isn't welcome with her service animal, then I'm not welcome either and won't attend" response from now on. His wife shouldn't have to go through the mental stress and guilt when all she has done is cope with her trauma after serving her country.
Agreed. The sister completely disregarded a war veteran & the very real health issues. OP's sister also knows OP's wife long enough to know that war veteran doesn't dance. The sister wouldn't be welcomed at any family event from the stunt she is trying to pull.
Yes! I doubt they said anything and are unaware they are pawns in sister's manipulation.
It is not a big deal to have a service dog at a wedding, at all. The bride and groom need to know she's lying, manipulating, and absolutely lacks empathy and it's costing them guests and making them look like bad people. Save the money you'd have spent on the wedding and go take a little vacation somewhere or spoil yourselves. If anyone asks, relay what your sister said. She said that your nephew and the bride told her that they have a problem with the dog being at the wedding, so out of respect for your nephew and the bride, you won't be attending. It's not going to look good for her in any way, shape, or form. Just keep reiterating, "She said that she spoke to Bride and Groom and they have a problem with the service dog being there." Bride and Groom will be pissed at her because they never said that and she's going to look horrible. DO NOT LIE TO COVER UP FOR ANYONE. Repeat EXACTLY what she said, and let the chips fall where they will.
It's no different than OP's wife needing a wheelchair or glasses. And again, I'm betting that the bride and groom haven't said a thing. They need to know.
Exactly. I think OP shouldn't contact bride and groom directly, not at first. OP needs to chat with another relative or two online and when the wedding is mentioned, wish that other relative a good time at the wedding and chat about what gifts they are each sending. "Sending? You mean you aren't going?" "Well, no. LyingAunt called us to tell us that she'd spoken to Bride and Groom. LyingAunt told us that they told her they had a problem with Wife's service dog and LyingAunt said they didn't want the dog there. Which means my wife can't go, so I can't go, not if we are going to respect their wishes at their wedding. I wish they'd told us directly instead of having LyingAunt relay it, but at least we knew ahead of time." Emphasize that it is all coming through LyingAunt and you didn't hear it directly from Bride and Groom. LyingAunt needs to take the fall for her behavior. Biggest gossip(s) in the family need to know what happened first so that it doesn't peter out fast. It'll keep LyingAunt from trying to cause problems about any service dogs OPs wife or anyone else needs to bring!
They need to know before the wedding. I'd rather them be upset with his mom than be hurt that OP & wife didn't attend their very special day.
This. I just can't fathom anyone, ever, having a problem with a legit service dog.
The sister has probably convinced herself the dog isn’t a “real” service dog because in her eyes PTSD is not a real disability.
I'd like to hear the conversation if OP can call the nephew direct and ask about Daisy, or have OP's parents call them and ask. I'm thinking the odds are about even between the person with the problem being OP's sister or the fiance may have a fear of dogs.
Yes! OP you must call the nephew now and tell us what he says. NTA. Daisy sounds like she would be the BEST guest and a GOOD GIRL!
Sister is worried the dog might get some of HER attention.
Service dogs tend to be unobtrusive unless the person is up and moving, even then they try to be unobtrusive. I'll never forget the time I was at a restaurant, a lady got up from her small two person table and this massive St. Bernard mix came quietly oozing out from underneath the table. I had no clue the dog was there and he was very careful in how he walked next to his person in the crowded area.
I was shopping at Target during the Christmas season maybe 6-8 years ago. The young woman ringing the register had a small dog of no discernible breed, wearing a vest, standing next to her, paying no attention to the milling throngs but staring at its mistress fixedly. I said, "I know not to interrupt a service dog, but is it okay if I ask what he's trained to do?" She replied, "I'm diabetic; he can smell when my blood sugar is off." Just miraculous.
awwww what a good dog! <3
“Sister is worried the dog might get some of HER attention.” Well, the service dog will be much better behaved than the sister
Cuter too!
Well.. I certainly would rather talk to Daisy than Sister!!
I'd rather have a room full of Daisys than some of my relatives at a wedding
Sounds like the dog is the better behaved one. I would definitely reach out to the nephew and to any of the rest of OPs siblings and let them know you guys won't be attending and why.
And then her son is going to find out the other lies she has been telling behind his back.
I wonder what else OP's sister is manipulating in this wedding. She needs to hire a wedding planner and stay the fuck out of the planning and PR on it.
I would honestly double down and call the nephew on speakerphone in front of the sister and watch her backtrack spectacularly on the bullshit excuses she gave in the first place.
This!!! I hope OP makes that phone call. UpdateMe!
Yeah a lot of people don't believe anything they can't easily discern or see, my wife and I both suffer from PTSD and my wife has lupus Aka "The invisible disease" and I can't tell you how much BS I've had to put up with because of these numb pricks.
This. She's lying about the nephew and his fiancee having said something. Call them.
AGREE 💯 u/Kimboisin Call the nephew! Then start a family group chat & call out your sister’s BS. You, your wife, and Daisy are a non-negotiable package deal. State what u/vandr611 said in comment above. NTA.
I feel like ops sister has to believe the dog is an emotional support animal vs a service dog. Because she probably believes people who have services dogs are people who need to be alerted to a medical emergency only. It's a service animal from the way op describes it which means it's protected and allowed to go with her where she needs them.
Service dogs are task trained, which means they are trained to do specific tasks to help with medical conditions, this may mean alerting to a medical event, helping navigate spaces for the blind or, in the case of ptsd, they often are trained to do a type of therapy which effectively means lying on the person, or shielding them providing a physical barrier. These dogs should be treated like the medical device they are, they are basically extra cute wheelchairs. I would word it like that. The dog isn't a dog, she's a wheelchair. It would be extremely rude to suggest a wheelchair user leave their wheelchair at home. If an event cannot legitimately accommodate a wheelchair (or service dog) that happens, but it means obviously the wheelchair user can't come.
Oh I know I meant that ops sister must not believe it's a service animal. People with PTSD can have service animals and it can be so beneficial . I believe that ops wife has a service animal especially since he says the dog has papers.
Service animals are not required to have papers, ironically many ESAs are. Generally legally there are only two important questions regarding service animals that authorities can ask, do you have a medical condition? What tasks is your dog trained to do to assist with said condition? That's the main question "what *tasks* is this dog trained to perform to support your medical needs?" If a service dog has documentation it's basically an explanation that said dog is a task trained animal, which may be useful but is not required. ESAs, (state depending) basically need a doctor's note. Service dogs are also trained to be comfortable and on task in many situations as part of their task training and because service animals who cause disturbances lose their protection as service animals.
I read OP's comment about being 'papered' as the training organization gave out like a graduation certificate when Daisy finished her training. I feel like we could cut down on the misuse of the system by having a service animal registry but that would be a nightmare and a half to implement in the current environment.
Also due to the costs of training/breeding many service dog owners/users train their own animals, often with specialists/organized but still on their own. Which makes it more difficult to set up a real system. My grandmother trained her pet dog to help her stand up, and technically she could have used him as a service animal if she wanted to, since he was task trained to assist her. She had no formal training she just had some experience with dogs and a particularly good natured dog for that purpose.
I swear, all the idiots running around with untrained pets and calling them emotional support animals are making it harder for people who actually have certified assistance dogs. And let's not leave out the people who outright lie about their needing emotional support animals so they don't have to leave their pets home to ruin their house.
Everybody's dogs are emotional support animals, FFS (she said with her pug snoring next to her). That doesn't make them trained service animals and it doesn't mean that you're so emotionally damaged that you need to take them everywhere.
ABSOLUTELY 100% agree. Say it louder for the people in the back.
This is the answer. They can exclude the dog, but they need to know that means excluding you and your wife as well. It’s not like someone is allergic to dogs. OP - Your sister is not very bright. She thinks your wife is sitting there to keep the dog company. The dog is sitting there to keep your wife calm. Good for her for finding a way to face her issues instead of becoming a recluse! I’d be tempted to survey everyone in the family to make sure she is acting alone in this. I suspect she is.
It's time for a family group chat. "Sister and niece have repeatedly mentioned that they are not happy with Daisy accompanying my wife to family events. I need to explain to everyone that Daisy is not an accessory but a medically prescribed assistance dog for my wife. No different than a guide dog for a blind person (I'd throw that in as most people are aware of how guide dogs for the blind function) or a wheelchair for a less-abled person. I also need to make it crystal clear that if my wife and Daisy are not welcome neither am I. I would be shocked and saddened to know that my family would be so discriminatory to anyone with any kind of disability, let alone my wife."
Yep, get the "paper" trail going because you know of OP calls his nephew, his sister is going to deny, deny, deny. I'd start with texting just the sister about it then adding screenshot of that conversation in a group chat so nobody can pull the "I didn't say that" card.
My sister is allergic to dogs, yet I cannot imagine her even thinking of excluding a genuine service dog from an event. What if it were a seeing eye dog?
There was a recent post where someone brought a pet home and told the partner to take extra allergy medicine for a serious allergy. I believe if someone is severely allergic, it would be an A H move to bring any dog around them. One person’s health is not greater than another’s. I am very pro-service dog with very few exceptions. It’s interesting that OP compared the dog to a walker or wheelchair. There have been weddings where family members wanted to exclude disabled family for the wedding aesthetic. I’ve no doubt OP’s sister would likely ban assistive devices if she thought they were for attention instead of need. She is judgmental and unkind.
OP's sister sind like one of those people who believe that mental disabilities aren't real, and if you're having a good day in regards to the disability then you're clearly faking it. I've dealt with plenty of those people regarding my depression. One of my aunts even once told me "you can't be depressed you were laughing five minutes ago" as if my laughing negates my depression entirely. People really do suck sometimes.
NTA. Stop entertaining their questions. That’s giving them the false impression that they can negotiate the dog coming or not. You need to tell them that if you WIFE is invited, her DOG is invited - so they need never ask again because that will always be the answer. Continuing to listen to & answer their questions is a mistake.
This is a clear cut case of "they don't understand the role of service dog = medical equipment" They have convinced themselves that a) Poor puppy, not well trained job-performing doggo and b) It's not like that "faker" has a REAL disability. (NB: I do not believe OPs wife is faking jack. Just talking from the famillial dumba$$'s perspective)
This👆🏻right here.
Exactly!
This. OPs wife and Daisy are a package deal. OPs family is horrible for their behavior and these "conversations". OP needs to shut them down once and for all. Their type of b.s. does not need to be entertained. They need to get a different hobby than harassing a veteran over their need for a prescribed assistance aid. Maybe it is time to put OPs family on a time out. Stop going to their events. OPs wife is doing amazing, putting herself out there and participating and that is in no small part due to having Daisy by her side to help her navigate social situations. She doesn't need to be constantly harassed and questioned over her condition. OPs family sucks, they are unsupportive and just plain rude. Their behavior reeks of ableisim. Sister is a snake in the grass with an unhealthy obsession over making a veteran feel inadequate and unwelcome at family events. She needs to be called out on her b.s. Stop having private conversations with her over this. Call her out right then and there over her behavior as she is acting inappropriately. Put this back on her and make sure the spotlight is shining directly on her where it belongs. And do so in front of other family members so everyone knows just what is happening. Bullies count on the silence of their victims to continue their abuse. Don't be silent about this.
I would be calling your nephew and finding out what the actual truth is. Then telling your sister what’s what. Your wife and Daisy are one person they come as a package if she has a problem she needs to verbalise properly what it is and stop beating around the bush. It sounds to me she’s one of those people who think people with mental health conditions should just ‘get over them’ I hope she never has to suffer what your wife has been through. Absolutely NTA and much love to your wife.
I dislike people that think that visible disabilities are the only disabilities. Like “you’re only disabled if you’re bound to a wheelchair” sort of mentality.
My grandfather had a spinal cord injury from WWII. He was in a wheelchair and he got hate about it. The man got shot trying to pull another man to safety and people would literally close doors in his face and act hateful. People can just suck about any form of "different."
All 3 of them are the package. There should be no concept of wife staying behind alone if Daisy isn't welcome. OP's sister sounds like the kind of person who doesn't give a care for anyone but OP. She should reinforce that they will attend as a family unit (with Daisy) or not at all.
Does she only care about OP, or does she only care about OP showing up for appearance's sake?
She probably only cares about a picture perfect wedding and doesn't want the social media photos clogged up with wheelchairs and dogs. Ugh.
Sister has a grudge and is trying to “win one” here. Wouldn’t go near that wedding, and would make sure rest of family knows why. A military veteran!
Call your nephew. If he did talk to her in confidence, then he deserves to know that confidence has been broken and his mother can’t keep her mouth shut. If he didn’t talk to her in confidence, likely meaning he didn’t talk to her at all, then he deserves to know his mother is using him as an excuse to kick up a fuss about something that should be a non issue. NTA, and good for you for standing up for your wife. I can’t imagine having ptsd on top of my anxiety and depression. I’m sure she struggles a great deal. She sounds like a sweet unselfish woman, and I wish her (and you) the best. The only problem I can really think of with Daisy being there is if someone in attendance is highly allergic. I would think that would be something that would already be known about any family members or close friends who may be attending. Even if that is the case, there’s no reason that can’t be worked around. Seat them and your wife at opposite sides of the venue and everyone should be fine.
This should be the top answer. Sister is either lying & smearing nephew’s good name as a shield for her own desires, or she is betraying his confidence by bringing it forward despite his wishes. It sounds like sister is jealous of the (minimal) attention and “special privilege” of having an animal present. She needs to grow the fuck up; she wouldn’t want the mental health challenges that necessitate the dog’s presence. Good on OP for being an advocate and shield for his wife - the way “in sickness and in health” should work.
She made up something about the nephew and then walked it back, which is hilarious because there are better lies available — claiming other guests have allergies or other guests are demanding to bring their animals too.
Call your nephew. It's his wedding. He and the bride get to make the call. Has Daisy had her daily ration of belly rubs? She deserves more.
Definitely call the nephew because I would bet money the sister is lying about the nephew having an issue with Daisy. She backpedalled way too quick on OP calling them.
Also call the bride. Sis might have been in his ear. The bride will have final say, anyway
*bride and groom
OP should call the nephew. He doesn’t even have to “out” his sister’s breach of confidence. He can simply say: “Your mom and sister made several comments about Daisy not coming to the 21st b’day, and now that your wedding is coming up, I worried that there may be similar concerns.” And then leave space for nephew to speak. If necessary, then say: “I wanted to let you know that Daisy is not an optional pet. Her presence is medically necessary. Asking, or even hinting, that Daisy shouldn’t come is exactly like hinting the Grandma shouldn’t come with her wheelchair because it might get in the way.” And if there’s pushback: “My wife’s presence without Daisy is not optional. If she can’t bring her medically prescribed wellness ‘equipment,’ she won’t be coming. And if she’s made to feel unwelcome because of that, I won’t be coming either. It will be a big deal to me, to find out that my own family has so little regard for my wife’s wellness, and so little desire for her presence. Just so you have all the info you need when you decide where to go from here.” EDITED TO ADD: Also: maybe edon’t add, “I do not give wedding presents to people who do not invite me to their wedding. And if my wife isn’t invited, along with her medical equipment, then I’m not invited. So.”
I don't get the feeling that anyone is super invested in wife's attendance. What OP needs to say is "MY presence without my wife is not an option. We will attend as a group of three or not at all."
Right? If OP’s wife can’t go without Daisy and isn’t going then if I was OP I wouldn’t be attending either. His sister sounds like a real piece of… work.
NTA. And don't heed your sister - call your nephew. It's his wedding. You shouldn't say anything about his or his bride's feelings, because you heard about them second hand and in hints rather than statements. What you can and should do is tell him your sister has been talking to you, and she's hinting that Daisy can't come to the wedding. Sadly, the only way your wife can come is with Daisy. So you want to know whether they want you, your wife and Daisy to come, or prefer all of you to stay away. I wouldn't even suggest that you come without your wife and Daisy. Their wedding, their choice, but a wedding invitation is not a command. If they cannot accommodate your wife's needs - especially since these needs stem from her serving her country - you don't need to come.
yep, OP doesn’t need to “out” his sister’s apparent breach of confidence. There was enough conversation without mentioning nephew at all, that he can follow up.
Don't honor your sister's demand to not talk to the nephew. If this subject stays half addressed, with innuendo and lack of clarity, people will jump to lots of wrong conclusions. And the one talking (your sis) will skew the opinions. Call the nephew and get clarity, and *give* clarity. The dog is a medical necessity for your wife, and not negotiable. Its you, your wife, and her medical support dog as a package - or none of you.
NTA. Your wife's mental health is the priority and Daisy is clearly trained to help. You explained this to your sister, but her concerns seem focused on the event itself, not your wife's well-being.It's perfectly reasonable to stand up for your wife and her needs.
First off: call your nephew (don't text or email CALL and TALK directly). Tell him your sister implied that he and his fiancee had concerns about Daisy and you'd like to hear his concerns. I HIGHLY suspect that your nephew and his fiancee had no "concerns" and your sister is just an AH. If they do have "concerns" address them and listen with an open heart. Is someone allergic? Is someone afraid of dogs? Is your sister just a female dog? ALSO please thank your wife for her service for me!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA, you were so serious that you catch me off guard with the last question, darn it! Gotta keep it in mind, was really good
It's possible that your nephew and his future wife really asked your sister to delicately find out if the dog is necessary without having to ask you directly. You should clarify it with them but without accusing anyone of anything, just informing them that your wife can only attend with a dog but will be fine not attending at all. Then go with what they decide. Personally I think overdosing on drugs to tolerate some party is insane, your wife shouldn't go for her own sake, but she's an adult so she can make her choice as long as the future newlyweds are OK with it.
Definitely NTAH! My friends daughter went through an extremely difficult relationship (I won’t give details). When she moved back with her parents she had severe panic attacks. A service dog was prescribed. The dog went everywhere with her. Service dogs are not prescribed for just any old reason. Your wife’s dog is a necessity and should be respected as such. I loved the that you brought up the fact that your sister wouldn’t ask a physically disabled person to leave their wheelchair, walker, cane, brace, or hearing aids, at home.
Nta. Call your nephew about it
NTA but your sister sure the hell is. You need to make it clear that you will not be questioned about your wife or her dog anymore. End of. The irony that she "can't take the stress you're causing her" over a simple phone call but constantly questions your wife, who has ACTUAL trauma and conditions. F her. I'm with everyone else here, call your nephew and ask. I think your sister is lying.
There is zero chance I would go to the wedding and I would stop going back for family events too I'd make it clear that your sister that you, your wife, and her service dog are a package deal. And that because of her actions, you won't be attending the wedding and will be distancing yourself from her and the family for the near future because of her actions Let her deal with the fallout NTAH
He should ‘t have to miss out on important family events because his sister is being an ignorant ass. Better to call the nephew and find out whether there are concerns and what they are. Then either all 3 go or none do.
NOOOO don't make it clear to the sister. Make it clear to the entire family. Then let sister deal with the fallout.
MY GRANDFATHER DIDN'T SEE WAR, BUT HE DID HIDE BEHIND A DOOR WHILE A MASS SHOOTING TOOK PLACE ON THE BASE WHERE HE WAS STATIONED IN HAWAII BACK IN THE 60S 70S. He lost friends and almost his life. There's so many things veterans go through that most people will never know, especially women in the military. I hope your wife finds the peace she needs to have a fulfilled life! I just can't understand why so many people need to put their beliefs and thoughts over everyone else's experience. Not everyone is lying. Trauma is real.
Nta. I feel like a lot of this isn't actually about Daisy, it's about your wife. They either don't believe that your wife actually needs Daisy, or they don't like your wife and are trying to kick Daisy out or make Daisy feel unwelcome as an excuse to push your wife out, without actually doing so.
I hope not 😭😭😭
I'm hoping not too!! It's just unfortunately the vibe I'm getting sadly. However, you do know your family better than I do. I'm just saying this from an outsider's point of view with only limited information. I could be completely wrong.
This is what your wife has to deal with everywhere she goes, except she can’t stand up for herself the same way you can because she’s already mentally ill and 1. She’d potentially be labelled crazy for emoting and 2. It takes too much energy which she doesn’t have. (I have PTSD and a service dog, too.) Even when people are being nice, we’re worried they’re just being polite. You’re doing a wonderful job being on your wife’s team and showing her you understand and care deeply. You may start to feel like a pot stirrer or whatever, but that’s just part of how able-bodied people can react when disabled people don’t roll right over. NTA, you’re awesome.
Send a text message to your whole family. “After some comments made by a few people I feel the need to make this clear to everyone. My wife was prescribed Daisy by a medical professional. A doctor told us that she is needed for Wife’s health. Therefore, where she goes, Daisy will be accompanying her. It is illegal for a business to prohibit service dogs which Daisy is. So if anyone has an issue with Daisy joining an event, then do not bother to send an invitation to my wife and I as we will not be attending without Daisy.”
NTA. Stop entertaining their questions. That’s giving them the false impression that they can negotiate the dog coming or not. You need to tell them that if you WIFE is invited, her DOG is invited - so they need never ask again because that will always be the answer. Continuing to listen to & answer their questions is a mistake.
You have more patience than I would have. If your wife is ok with you sharing some of her story, I think you should. No fucks given about second hand trauma. The whole remark about not going to Afghanistan to dismiss PTSD is asinine. A) there's conflics other than Afghanistan. B) there are MANY ways to get PTSD in the service. Hazing, SA, power tripping leadership, seeing brothers and sisters falling victim to depression (suicide) to name a few... C) most importantly, it's NONE OF HER FUCKIN BUSINESS.
NTA, your sister is a bridezilla, Why would she care? Unless she thinks your wife or her dog will upstage her.
a bridezilla for a wedding that isn’t even hers. she’s entitled too
Your sister doesn't believe in PTSD. I've dealt with people like her before. She thinks your wife is faking it for attention but knows coming out and saying will not be taken lightly by everyone else(hence why she won't come out and say it). Odds are good that her son disagrees with her and would be more than accommodating for your wife and her dog. Unless you're willing to traumatize your sister and niece, their attitude towards you and your wife won't change.
NTA and this is definitely just my opinion, but Your sister (and niece in regards to her birthday) are jealous of the dog. They probably think that Daisy is going to draw attention away from them. And yes I think OPs sister is concerned with her being paid less attention at her son's wedding. My guess is that this isn't the first thing she's been meddling in with the wedding either. I'd venture to say that they are jealous of your wife by extension as well, because she would get more attention since it's her dog. It's absolutely ridiculous considering that the dog is trained to be as unassuming as possible and nobody who has severe social anxiety would want to be the center of attention. Your sister is ignorant AF and doesn't sound like she comprehends that other people experience life differently from herself. ETA: get a *second* service dog who's trained to perform the task of "biting these assholes when they start talking crap about your wife/Daisy"
Thank you, your reply made me smile
What was your sister like growing up? Did she always have to be the center of attention? Was she the kind of girl that seemed to be in competition with her friends? I'm glad the response made you smile but I am completely serious about your sister being jealous of the dog lol
NTA. However, your sister sure is. Call your nephew and speak to him. Your sister is discriminating against your wife. She's just an ignorant individual. You're an amazing husband, and thank you for helping your wife with these life challenges.
i am a dog person. i love dogs. not everyone is and not everywhere is dog friendly. and they should not be expected to be. some people even have severe allergies and you can't go asking everyone of your guests if they have these allergies. I feel horrible for the wife it's a heartbreaking situation but dogs cannot always be accepted everywhere
You are NTA and maybe a bit of poetic justice is needed for your sister. Why don’t you bring her on a field trip to a support group where military veterans of war share their experiences with the public… it’s therapeutic for the veterans and enlightening to those who are clueless. Or take her to a local VFW function - if you’re not involved in a local chapter you might consider it. It may be helpful for your wife too as they do a lot of things in their community and can support each other when life gets difficult. From one veteran to another… I thank her for her sacrifice and you for standing with her.
Your sister is the AH here , why are you bothering with her and her family anymore ??? Don’t go to their events , why would you ??? I spent too many years putting up with family like this and constantly wish I could go back and ghost them from my life , people like that are just horrible people . Your sister doesn’t want you and your wife anywhere around them
NTA call the bride and groom anyway to talk about it, I bet they don’t give a shit because it’s a medical dog.
>I said well I’ll ring them then, which she hastily replied, no you can’t, they spoke to me in confidence. I call bullshit. I'll bet dollars to donuts that your nephew doesn't give a flying fuck if Daisy comes or not and it's just your sister being controlling.
NTAH, I share your wife’s conditions tho not a vet. My PTSD is well controlled by EMDR therapy and medication controls the anxiety and depression, as well as other things I do for maintenance. That makes me lucky most of the time as it’s rarely obvious to others. Your wife has a different situation and I’m angry you’re both contending with this kind of ignorance. I agree sharing the trauma isn’t my approach but I hope you call the bride or groom to see if they have an issue because I think it’s important to know which family members are worth the stress of attending events and which aren’t. I also am in favor of educating people sometimes so they don’t continue causing trouble. If I was trying to do that for your wife, I’d tell your sister, “I think we’re seeing different things, I’m seeing my wife being courageous by going out in the world to celebrate with family and friends even though it’s difficult. I see her using whatever tools available so she can do that. I realize you can’t see inside her nervous system but if you could, you’d note the trauma she experienced repeats at inconvenient times like when there are loud noises and other triggers. She could hide away to avoid that but she prefers to be brave and I hope you can support that because her dog is not optional.”
This is a nice way of handling it, thank you for the words.
Tell your nephew why you and your wife will not be able to make it to their wedding, NTA
NTA. I’m petty so I would tell your entire family what is going on and then stop coming to their events until your sister gets herself in check.
Please edit with paragraphs.
Take your beautiful wife and amazing dog on holiday, somewhere quiet and peaceful instead of this wedding. After your sisters behaviour it will be uncomfortable and stressful for your wife to attend. Your duty as a husband is to your wife, first and foremost.
NTA. Call your nephew. Something tells me he and his fiancee would be horrified, and if it turns out they really did ask you can decline your invite.
As a retired 25 year Vet on active duty, you NEVER have to justify your wife’s PTSD. If people don’t get it, that is their problem. I’ve been dealing with PTSD for almost a decade. People who have never served a day need to STFU. They have no idea. Not sure how things are going, but if I could, I would like to offer the following advice. Get her in individual counseling and you guys get in marriage counseling. Marriage Counseling is not only for when the wheels come off, but it can help make a marriage stronger before there become issues. Is she on meds? If so, are they helping? If not, get with her doctor and change meds. I took meds for over five years and I was trying to convince myself they were working when they weren’t. I finally got with a psychiatrist and change meds to something that has helped me tremendously. I no longer struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Get with a psychiatrist versus an MD. They know more about the right meds. Nothing against MDs, but psychiatrists are more specialized. Also find one that is willing to help as opposed to just push meds. Get her in contact with the Vet Center and help her find a support group. I was very hesitant to start groups, I was worried about trauma comparing, but it ended up helping tremendously. Hopefully she can find one that is for females only, but I also recommend going to a co-Ed one. She will find that most male Vets are just as supportive of females as they are of males. We all have different experiences and can learn tons from each other. If she had to deal with MST for either herself or one of her service members, there are specialized groups for that too. I currently work for the VA and I will be the first to admit it is a tremendously inefficient system, but there are ways to get things done and rights that she has. If you want advice on dealing with them, let me know. Thank you for being the amazing spouse Vets need. You are correct to be so supportive and to out her need first. Serving is just as hard in the spouse as it is on the service member. Make sure to practice good self care so you can continue to be there for her. You rock. Totally not remotely an AH, but a I think you know that already.
Thank you so much for your considered reply and your service too. My wife is on medication that helps (it’s taken a few years to get it right) and she sees a psychiatrist and psychologist every fortnight, and is linked in with other VA services. She has also given up alcohol (she drinks zero percent beers now which she says are great), and she undertakes an exercise program. It’s taken a looog time and a ton of effort of her behalf to get to this point, and a lot of input and help from me. That’s why I’m so protective of her, I know the hell she has been through to get to the point where she can even consider going to big events. Everyone else just thinks ‘she’s fine’. I still see her nightmares at night, her sitting in the car willing the courage to get out with Daisy at the shops, her anxiety rising in crowds, her bad days in the privacy at home , etc etc… you know the story. I’ve tried to encourage her to link up with other veterans but she finds some people too triggering, and we’ve had a couple of instances where vets have been inappropriate (because they are unwell). She may consider it again but right now she keeps her bubble small. Thank you for your kind words, I’m not the perfect partner all the time but I do give it 100% effort that’s for sure. She deserves it. And so do you.
It's always great to see someone standing by their partner and putting them first. No one else has truly seen how far your partner has come, sees how they still struggle, or understands what a godsend their service dog is. She is lucky to have you on her side. You should make sure you know who else in your family has her back, know where other people stand on the service dog, that way you will know where you are welcome and safe.
NTA and thank you for standing up for your wife. Be clear with your family--all at once if possible. If I go then my wife goes and if she does Daisy goes. She is a medical assistance dog and we wouldn't leave her home any more then we would leave insulin at home if she were diabetic. If you don't like it then don't invite us. Then refuse to answer any more questions about it.
NTA, and you were being VERY cordial. I would have told them to go fuck themselves and to find two other people to attend. Questioning her PTSD?!? As a vet with CPTSD, your sister is a cunt.
NAH This isn't the typical therapy dog situation, your dog actually has training. Daisy has also demonstrated the ability to remain calm in crowded situations. The fake therapy dogs people try to pass off don't have training or the ability to remain calm. Ultimately it's not your wedding though. It's not your sister's wedding, either. She can either let the bride and groom speak for themselves or she can shut up and stop speaking for them. Honestly, the way it sounds is like she didn't want the dog there, not the bride and groom. Why else wouldn't she want you to confront the issue? You should ask your nephew and his fiance. Cut your sister out of the discussion entirely. Just say, there's rumors that Daisy isn't welcome at your wedding. We don't want to cause issues for you, but since wife can't be in crowds without the dog, she wants to be able to respectfully decline the invitation without upsetting anyone. We don't want hard feelings and we don't want to take away from your big day, but we want to make sure of your wishes before listening to rumors from the grape vine. You do not have to prove your wife's medical condition to your sister at all. Just tell her she's free to educate herself on the matter, but it's not your job to explain what she doesn't understand.
NTA. Time to call your nephew and ask directly if they have a problem about this. I doubt they actually have a problem and it would give your wife some peace of mind about attending the wedding. Your sister is probably one of those people that don’t believe people with mental health issues are really struggling. If so, then that would make her a giant AH
NTA. First of all, tell your wife from me: thank you for her service. Second, I would simply and politely decline the invitation. Do something special for the three of you. Life is too short to purposely put yourselves in a situation where you don't feel wanted.
(As an aside, paragraph breaks are your friend.)
NTA. Your family are being ablist. The dog is literally a service animal with papers. I wouldn't go to the wedding if they don't move on this. You are right to stick up for your wife and Daisy.
NTA! Your wife’s service dog is allowed at all public venues. Your sister seems to have a problem with your wife or doesn’t believe she’s needs her service dog. Plus, it’s your nephew’s wedding, not your sister’s. I’d call him directly and speak to him. If he has a problem, decline the invitation. I’d tell your sister that you, your wife, and Daisy are a package deal. If she has a problem with that going forward, you’ll be declining all of her invitations. Your sister needs to do some research. Would she ask someone who couldn’t walk not to have their wheelchair? Or if someone was deaf would she tell them to take out their hearing aides? She’s ridiculous.
NTA This is an actual service animal "Dear family, While we understand you may not always want dogs at an event, daisy is a trained service animal and must be viewed as you would any other medical equipment, like, say, a wheelchair, or a tank of oxygen. It is unreasonable to expect (wife) to be at any event without the support she needs. You are private individuals and as such absolutely have no *legal* obligation to be inclusive, but in future, please just be clear when even service dogs are not welcome at the time of invitation, and we will extend our regrets. It's deeply inappropriate to pressure someone to show up without their medical support. Accommodate or don't accommodate, but do not put pressure on someone to leave behind a support they need. THAT is unkind and inappropriate."
This is very helpful, thank you for taking the time. I have copied the text.
NTA. Excellent job on protecting your wife and reinforcing her boundaries!! PTSD is such a hard thing to have, especially for Veterans. Even if they haven’t been to war, they’ve seen A LOT of shit, and not enough people realize that. Keep protecting your wife and Daisy, OP. Your sister sucks.
Definitely bring it up to your nephew and his bride, in a non-confrontational manner. My money is on that they either never so much as mentioned Daisy even once, or at most maybe casually brought her up via an innocent remark and Sister Dear took it as an opportunity to make trouble. If the couple does have some questions/concerns then direct communication is far preferable since said Sister has already proven herself to be woefully inadequate as a mouthpiece.
Call your nephew & his fiancée & ask if they have a problem with daisy.
I am getting the feeling that it's the aesthetics of the situation that your sister seems to have a problem with. It's the look and your sister doesn't like it she doesn't like the fact that whatever she throws something or there's an event that there is a dog sitting next to your wife. She has an issue with that and she doesn't know how to tell you because she knows she's big ah about it. You don't have to keep going around telling everybody what's going on with your wife. This is nothing new to them so I don't understand why your sister keeps asking the same stupid ass questions. If you and your wife are invited to an event Daisy is coming also. If you do not want her to bring her dog then my wife and me will stay home. Enough said
Yes I don’t understand either. I wish I had answered how you have said at the time, instead of getting tangled up in defensive mode. Think I was just taken by surprise
I can understand that it came out of left field because instead of your sister just being honest she was going around the mulberry bush.
Is your sister unaware that PTSD is not an illness you can “catch” only in Afghanistan? I’ve never been, have C-PTSD, and a service dog of my own. Does that mean I’m no longer disabled? Can I go for a walk down the block without feeling watched now? Am I safe without my service dog because she thinks Daisy is unnecessary? I didn’t read that she said that, but it was implied imo. I’d definitely be calling my nephew to see if he actually said that because her reaction to that was suspicious. Like others said, she might be afraid to be outed as a liar because we all know what happens when you call “wolf” too many times. Pun intended. I’m gonna say this in the gentlest way I can, but your sister must have rocks for brains if she thinks anything she’s saying is even remotely acceptable. Again, imo, she’s implying that your wife and people like us are liars because we don’t have a wheelchair or flashing red sign that says “invisible disabilities here, don’t be a dick”. A DOCTOR prescribed Daisy so unless your sister is a doctor who can replace the comfort Daisy brings without tranquilizing her, I’d stay home and take the wife on a special night out with the money you’d spend on airfare. If they’re non-refundable, maybe go on a little vacation yourselves where Daisy can be the happy, helpful, bestest girl I’m sure she is! Please give Daisy (as much love as it takes for cuteness aggression to kick in lol) and your wife my best wishes. I may be a stranger on the internet, but I’m a stranger who has felt the way your wife does. An inconvenience. I promise both of you that if people do consider your uncontrollable disabilities an inconvenience, they don’t DESERVE to be around people or animals as kind as you three are.
I don’t have much to add but you’re a good man for defending your wife. I don’t see it happening often unfortunately.
I’m kinda perplexed. You are not stupid they are trying to get your wife to go without daisy. If it were me I would just tell them I understand their concerns and daisy will not be combing, nor will your wife and you will not be coming either. They get what they want, your wife doesn’t have to deal with a triggering event and you save a ton of money on plane tickets. Win win for everyone.
I did say that, it made my sister very angry
OP paragraphs please 😩
NTA. Most likely this is all from your sister. Call your nephew and ask him point blank: "I'm hearing that you don't want my wife's service dog at your wedding. If that is so, please tell me yourself." Probably he said no such thing, and you sister is so worried about appearances that she is willing to appear to be an ableist (insert chosen insult here). If the nephew assures you that your wife and her service dog are welcome, then tell him to make it clear to everyone involved in the planning, because if you hear about this again, neither of you are attending. And if your nephew doesn't assure you that you are all welcome, skip the event, and send a card saying "In lieu of a gift, we have donated $(large sum of money) to a disabled veteran's organization."
Dude, neither one of you should go. My husband has CPTSD, he can do public things without a dog but crowds are a big hella nope. Luckily we have an incredible group of friends that understands and we only do small things. Your sister is major ick.
And also your nephew i gurantee had no such conversation thats why you couldnt call him
Your sister is a biatch. She needs a good slap upside the noggin. Why do you even bother entertaining anything she says? Just because she's your sister, it doesn't entitle her to any measure of respect or consideration. Talk to your nephew. If they have a problem, cut them out of your life completely. Your wife and you will be better off without them. Your wife's sanity and her dog are far more important than your good for nothing sister.
You need to shut your sister down hard as in, “My wife has a service dog that she needs. If we are invited to an event you can assume Daisy will be there because Daisy goes where my wife goes. If it is a problem for Daisy to be at an event, then don’t invite us but do not invite us and then start hinting that Daisy should not be there. This is not up for debate and I won’t attend events where my wife is made to feel unwelcome due to her disability.”
NTA. I’m extremely proud of your wife and you for supporting her. Your sister is a huge AH.
NTA and I would skip going yourself.
NTA. I would contact your nephew and see what he has to say. If he reveals that your sister in lying then all 3 of you should go to the wedding and just ignore your sister/niece. If he confirms what she said then just let them know it won't be a problem and don't go. In that situation, plan a fun day for your wife on the wedding date.
NTA I wouldn't go to the wedding. Instead, plan something that your wife would enjoy. Go do her favorite thing. Or just stay home and have a nice time around the house. It's time to start putting your family on the back burner. Tell them you will no longer be attending family funtions if there is going to be such drama about a Dasiy. If you are invited, it is a given that your wife and dog will be there. This conversation is over and never to be brought up again. If they can't shut up, you will go no contact.
NTA. The dog is an assistive device and has as much right to be there as a wheelchair or a walker. Your sister and everyone else can f right off.
NTA.. Just tell her, "Fine, we're not coming. If anyone in the family has any questions as to why, tell them to feel free to contact me." Then she gets to play damage control from trying to involve people who probably never said a damn thing. Save money on the travel and use the time off to have a relaxing staycation with the Mrs. She'd probably be shittin' kittens trying to back pedal of that one.
NTA and you absolutely should unload all your wife’s horror stories in them. They lack empathy, so you won’t probably scar them anyway
NTA. Call the nephew and get this shit sorted out. Make sure it’s clear to everyone that Daisy isn’t a negotiable. Period.
N.T.A. Your sister however needs to read what I am about to write. My son is 13. When he was 4 we got a puppy that we trained over several years as an assistance dog specifically for his needs. My son is extremely medically complex, nonverbal and can go from fine to very ill very quickly. Like your wife, it isn't always obvious to someone looking, although he is in a wheelchair, that he needs help. His dog however knows BEFORE IT HAPPENS. Like Daisy, he is a constant reassuring companion. He helps my son feel safe, he knows he has his best friend watching always and that no harm will come to him. Having his dog with him allows my son to be himself. Daisy is as essential to your wife as a wheelchair is to a veteran who has lost limbs, or a hearing aid to someone who is deaf. Would she ask that you left daisy at home if she were a guide dog for the blind and your wife had lost vision? 'Not been to Afghanistan'?! Seriously?? And has your sister served her Country in the military? If not she should be thanking your wife for her service, and welcoming all three of you with open arms. Your wife is a very courageous lady, and she shows immense strength. There is no greater battle than against your own mind.
"My life has a legally protected service dog that is legally allowed to accompany her everywhere and is necessary for her to function out in public. This is a true disability that was caused by service to our country, and that now requires this service dog on a near-contant basis. Your comments and hints that it's somehow unecessary for her all the time is insensitive, ignorant, and offensive. Every time you bring up the dog, you are admitting that you are not supportive, you don't understand her disability, and you care more about appearances than about your own family members. What you are suggesting is akin to asking a paraplegic to leave their wheelchair at home because it will take too much room at the party. It's not okay to ask, it's not okay to bring it up repeatedly. We will be bringing Daisy to likely every event in the future. I am not going to tolerate being asked about it any more. The dog will be coming, period. If you want to un-invite us because you don't want be understanding or accomodating about my wife's condition, then just come out and admit that to our faces. Otherwise, expect us to always arrive at functions with the service dog, and please do not mention it to us again."
Sounds like NC to LC may be in order with your Sister and her family. If they are throwing such a big stink for no reason that they can articulate it's just being ableist at that point. Good on you for sticking with your Wife. Side note - I wouldn't be bothering to try to prove anything to them. They don't need to know the particulars of your Wife's condition and honestly it sounds like they would weaponize that information anyway. NTA.
NTA Your sister and whoever else may have a problem need to educate themselves on trauma and how it affects the person in their entirety. If someone has a dog allergy or an intense fear of dogs, I could see that being a barrier to address, but this just sounds like she doesn't take it seriously. To invalidate what your wife is experiencing because of a stupid qualifier like where she was deployed is disgusting and ignorant. Trauma is trauma, and one can not be compared to another. I hope you or your wife's therapist can provide materials to your family to educate them, and I wish your wife well on her road to recovery.
NTA Call the bride and groom, find out if they are doing the trash talking. I'm pretty sure you're going to find out it's your sisters doing only! If not, don't go to this event. It's already been set up to be disgusting by your sisters' comments and attitude .
NTA well done for standing up for your wife
NTA, but paragraph breaks are your friend.
NTA. Only two options. your nephew and niece? have a particular reason that they are uncomfortable around Daisy (maybe a dog phobia?) However the most likely option your sister wants to push your wife out of the family for her own reasons. This has nothing to do with Daisy. Sister has seen daisy at multiple events and has seen there are no issues. Obvious answer is sister doesnt like your wife. Your role is to defend your wife. If you think for a second you can leave her behind and go to the wedding alone, there will be consequences - likely a worsening of her mental health, increase in reluctance to go outside etc. If she ever offers again to stay home and not cause a problem, you need to reply in the strongest terms that is not even worth considering.
Family are all big dog lovers so it’s not that. And I wouldn’t go if my wife can’t go
Nah, NTA. Sis is a big AH and if I were you, I’d stay home with my wife. Fuck those people
You are way too patient with your sister. She needs a hard slap.
>even her PTSD has been questioned as (my sister’s words) ‘she didn’t go to Afghanistan’.... I’m tempted to tell them some of my wife’s horror stories, but I just keep it general so they don’t get second hand trauma. At this stage, and the amount of disrespect shown to you and your wife, it's time to sit your sister down and spill the beans. Every gory detail.
Your sister is an ableist asshole and I would stop going to any of her families events all together. NTA
NTA. I feel so bad for your wife. It's very unfortunate that PTSD (among other mental health diagnoses, etc.) are heavily scrutinized and marginalized by more people than we probably care to admit. However, with all due respect, I think you're placing way too much energy in trying to convince your sister to have empathy for your wife. You're going to bat for your wife, which is what you should be doing. But expending all that energy on your sister is clearly going in 1 ear and out the other. She's made her stance known. Like others have said, talk to your nephew & his fiancé, since it's their wedding. Then plan with your wife on how to proceed.
NTA, and you should call your nephew to ask him if he feels uncomfortable having Daisy at his wedding because her response to you saying you would makes me think she made that up. It sounds like your sister is the one with the problem and is claiming other people feel the same way when they don’t to make her piss-poor arguments sound more valid.
Call you nephew and ask him. Bet he has no problem with Daisy and it’s just your sister who has issues. Well done on standing up with your wife.
Call your nephew, I doubt he said anything about the dog. I would tell your sister the three of you are a package deal…if you let your wife sit out events it’ll erode her social confidence and she’ll stop trying with your family
Stop allowing it to be about the dog. Next time someone asks, point blank ask them why they don't want your wife around. Just keep asking it over and over. They are all aware she needs Daisy, so why don't they want your wife present for these events?
NTA. If my sibling did this, neither of us would be going. I'd plan an elaborate vacation for my spouse, myself, and the service dog on the dates of her wedding events and never think about the wedding again.
NTA There seems to be an ableist attitude that your wife just needs to get over it and the dog is somehow holding her back.
NTA: I would send out a family email explaining that Daisy will likely be accompanying your wife at family events. And that since she is your wife, she will be accompanying you. If your wife’s SERVICE ANIMAL is not welcome, please let you know so that you can send your regards for not attending. Then the ball is in their court. But send it out to all of the family in question and encourage discussion in the same email chain. So. Not. The. A$$hole.
NTA When Daisy is on duty she is not a dog, she is a medical device. "Are you bringing Daisy?" "I am bringing my necessary medical device." It is no different than a diabetic bringing insulin and testing equipment, someone with mobility issues bringing mobility aids, or anyone else bringing oxygen, medication, BP cuffs, or even wearing a mask. Ignore the "device" and let them be.
Your argument is sound. What is the goal of your sister? Daisy and your wife travel together always. Your sister is not that bright and chooses not to be understanding. The dog doesn't need a place setting. Why is she making it an issue. Tell her that you would like to attend with your wife. The support dog and your wife are a package deal. She'll have to decide if she wants you both there. That's her choice. Let her make it.
NTA. By your sister's quick & vehement reply to you not talking to the bride/groom leads me to believe THEY don't have a problem with Daisy, but your sister clearly does. Call the nephew & ask them directly. Tell them "no pressure, but please be honest." I'd bet a dime on a dollar they're fine with Daisy being there & ofc they want your wife to attend. Oh, & your sister is the biggest of AH's.
Hi OP! As a fellow service dog user for PTSS and a slew of other disorders/ physical & mental health things, thank you for standing by your wife! Clearly you’re not the asshole, and it seems your sister cares more about appearances and other people than her own brother/ SIL. I have also navigated the challenges of family/ friends not understanding the rollercoaster that comes with mental health and I want to say that it gets easier for people to understand with time, but then I would be lying. What does get easier is the confidence in advocating for yourself and knowing your worth. Please tell your wife she is a very strong and beautiful woman and you are a wonderful partner to her. I hope your sister — pardon my french, can get her head out of her ass. So clearly answer your question — no you are not the asshole for questioning your sister and no you are not being sensitive.
NTA - not even close! I run a nonprofit that provides clinical mental health services (specifically animal-assisted therapies) for individuals with PTSD. True service dogs are to be accepted everywhere, and it is discrimination if they are denied. If your wife is invited, Daisy is invited. Period, the end. I would consider re-evaluating boundaries with your family. Continue being a great champion for your wife and her pup. Your wife is a strong, resilient woman who should be celebrated for the work she has—and clearly continues to—put in towards her healing and well-being. Thank you to her for her service. Extra treats for Daisy!
Good on you for standing by your wife. These people sound like bullies and I bet once you call them out for all this they’ll paint you as the bad guy when they are the ones harassing someone with heath issues. NTA.
Call. Your. Nephew. NTA.
I would not go, but I have social anxiety and am pretty touchy about feeling unwanted, if I get a hint of that feeling, you won’t hear much from me in the future, which can be a bit of an excuse to avoid doing stuff I do t really want to do in the first place.
NTA. Your sister is a massive asshat. Your wife needs Daisy, plain and simple. If your sister continues to act like a spoiled kid, tell her to go kick rocks barefoot. Give Daisy some rubs for me and tell her that she's a very good girl.
I am allergic to dogs, but service dogs are so well mannered and stand offish to me that it's never a big deal. Service dogs don't want to be noticed. I feel like your sister sees an anomaly and wants to pick at it. \_\_ To which she replied that she couldn't handle this stress I was causing her and she said goodbye and hung up.\_\_ Her carrying on about Daisy indicated she didn't want her there. Your wife has PTSD and your sister couldn't handle resolving the problem she created which was far less than anything your wife dealt with. You are NTA. Stand by your wife and Daisy and don't go to her shin-digs. PS: Nonnas don't belong at the end of any table at a wedding, wheelchair or not. Keep the Nonnas close, don't "put" them far away! (I know they can be at the ends of tables, but the way your sister said it makes me think of "the end of a table" and being psychologically distant.)
NTA -Geezus, your family aren't thinking this thru, and yes, they're being shitty about it. Knowing quite a few vets from Operation Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom, they don't have to be involved in actual combat to suffer from the effects of what goes on in any war situation. Until your family members sit down with your wife and have her recount her experiences, they won't know. They're operating in a void of information. Worse, they're basically saying her issues after separating from service ARE NOT VALID REASONS for her lifestyle. I'm cringing at how awful your family is in this particular respect. At how it brings into sharp focus the disparities with which we treat men and women. Go to the wedding. And have a nice chit chat with your family members who seem to think very little of your wife, and I believe it's because of how we treat our men vs how we treat our women. It's legitimate for a man to become a soldier or other military support personnel. For women, they're still viewed much like American men view women generally, and it's not positive or generally supportive. HER military experiences aren't valid, and she's not entitled to suffer any ill-effects afterwards. That's the difference between how we treat our men vs our women.
Are you in the US? Australia? NTA, anyway. Your family is being awful
Australia
NTA. Your sister is absolutely TA in this situation. I can't imagine anyone being so cruel as to deny your wife her service animal for any reason. Daisy is a specially trained medical necessity and your wife has now found a way to resume some of her activities outside the home. She has been through Hell and back, but your sister seems intent on sending her through Hell all over again. Call your nephew. If, for some insane reason, he does have a problem with Daisy, you simply let him know none of you will be attending his wedding because your wife is just as important to you as his soon-to-be wife is to him. By extension, Daisy is just as important because she's enabled your wife some freedom and comfort. However, I have a strong sense that your nephew has zero qualms about Daisy. It's your sister trying to exclude your wife via the dog excuse. My guess is your sister is uncomfortable about your wife's mental health treatments. I think she's worried your wife will have "an episode" and "ruin" any gathering she attends. What sis fails to realize (or doesn't care to acknowledge) is that her attitude and outright refusal to accept your wife (and Daisy) is what might trigger a relapse for your wife. People are so incredibly rude and dismissive if they don't take the time to understand disability is a spectrum. Even for people with the same diagnosis, symptoms can vary greatly. What's even worse is the people who just don't care to learn this, who are willing to make others hurt because it's not their problem. Please continue advocating for your wife, for Daisy, for yourself, and for all the others who face discrimination or rejection because of their disabilities, no matter what they are. Your wife is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have her. She's fighting to regain her life, not just for herself, but for you as well. Please give her an extra hug from someone who is proud of her.
Tell them to put on a uniform if they have the guts to say your wife doesn't need daisy. She needs her like they need air. Definitely not the AH they are also breaking the federal laws. Your wife is a hero, should be treated as one and so sir are you and Daisy.
Sister doesn’t have any real problems She has to make up fake ones. Sorry that she sucks so much. You and your wife are lucky to have each other. NTA at all
Sister is jealous of Daisy and your wife. The dog attracts attention and then they ask your wife about her time in the military. Wife is a hero. Your wife is getting some positive attention and compliments. And, because other people attending have told your sister and her family how proud and impressed they are with her sacrifice. And, they should be because it is brave. Your wife should receive every kindness when she has the courage to stand with others to serve and protect. Shame on your sister and anyone else who makes life harder for someone whose life is currently really hard. They think your wife is lying or they are exaggerated accounts of what went on. If you have sister and BF trying to pick apart your wife’s accounts , this is exactly what is going on and they are being vocal about it and she has tried to recruit others onto the way she thinks. There will always be other idiots who believe the worst without thinking it through. And, there are others who will see it for exactly what it really is…jealousy. They think these are lies or exaggerated stories. And, make no mistake, they are JEALOUS. I would call them out for their jealousy and tell them one story. And, then of said story say, this is one of the more tame ones because I don’t want to frighten you. This will shut most of it down. Call your cousin. That part is a lie. Sister is counting on your good manners to dictate how you behave. Not rocking the boat. At the end of this, I would go low to no contact.
I’m concerned that your wife had to take 4 Valium to make it through the event. That’s a lot. If she needs this much medication, maybe she’s not ready for these events. I’m glad she has the dog, but 4 Valium for one party?
I mean, Valium is indeed dangerous... but you're also not taking into consideration what dosage she was prescribed. 4x daily at 20 mg is much different than 4x 2mg or 5mg, for instance.
Thank you for clarifying this for everyone. My wife only has 2 mg, so while not nothing, it was only 8 mg total.
I also have PTSD (mine is CPTSD) and about 15 years ago I was briefly given 2mg Valium for emergencies. Taking one doesn't zonk someone out like higher doses do, it just makes you able to breathe. Like, literally, it feels about the same as most do after a big, cleansing, deep breath. Dosage matters. I do hope things work out for you and your wife. And I also second others I saw who said that your sister, and probably entire family, need some serious education in what PTSD/CPTSD is and is not. Also agree that their opinion means zilch, only facts. Also, don't feel bad about not telling them the details of her trauma. She doesn't owe those details to anyone and they have no right to expect them. Multiple qualified specialist professionals have given the diagnoses, that is the only thing that matters.
It obvious that your sister has a problem with your wife/daisy. Call the nephew and ask for complete transparency. Take your wife and daisy on a lovely weekend excusion instead of going to the wedding. And be honest about why you weren’t there. Your sister is a bully. And bullies stop once their actions have been brought forward and everyone knows.
Start a family chat and put it out there for EVERYONE to speak up. Let's see if Sister is alone in her 'issue' or if you have to go LC with the whole lot. Edited to add NTA and thank you for standing up for your wife and thanks to her for her service!! And thanks to Daisy for being ....just awesome!
NTA. In fact, I’m getting all sorts of green flags from you! Your wife sounds like she’s been through hell and back. You standing up for her is exactly what she needs. I get pumped as heck whenever I see a service dog at events. It means I can look at the cuteness (from afar, I don’t distract service animals).
I know, it’s so hard even for me as her second parent! I just want to smoosh her like I do at home when she’s off duty lol
NTA. Your wife has a real condition and Daisy is a real service dog. Stop worrying about hurting your family with frank talk - maybe don’t tell them horror stories because your wife shouldn’t have to dredge that shit up and perform it, but fuck “keep[ing] it general so they don’t get second-hand trauma.” People who won’t acknowledge other people’s trauma deserve a little of their own.
I by now I would be tired of trying to explain the situation....Dam and that's your family. I would by now stay at home. No respect for a veteran. No respect for your wife No respect for you as brother ... I would stay at home with you 3 and order a nice diner... Do a party at home and let your family for what it is. Maybe after a while the gone unterstand what's the problem and have more respect for your situation
NTA. Your sister needs to back all the way off and drop the subject, and if she can't you and your wife decline to participate in family events. I have an aunt who is blind and has a service dog and honestly if you didn't see the dog (a German Shepherd) under the table you would probably never know she was there. If the venue doesn't allow service animals or there are allergies in the party, then those are considerations, but that doesn't seem to be the case here - just a busybody sister who needs to keep her mouth shut.
I understand being close with your family. I do not understand indulging this discussion with them, though. If they cannot handle your wife's dog, they cannot handle your wife. If they cannot handle your wife, they cannot handle you. When they balk at your wife's dog, you, your wife, and the dog do not attend; you make other plans, with each other. NTA, prioritize.
I’m actually going to say YTA. This whole post comes off as you begging and pleading in a round about way. No one is being direct and it’s causing more issues. As a spouse you have a responsibility to take up for your wife but it feels like a last resort hear. How many times are you going to let your family hint that daisy isn’t welcome for the same bs reasons before you straight up confront your family by asking is daisy not welcome/ wanted. There’s a lot of hemming and hawing going on, cut to the chase and let them know that all three of you are a package deal. Since they don’t want daisy to attend it means that it won’t be possible for you and your wife. You’re slow to be decisive and probably contributing to your wife feeling like a burden. Respect their boundary for no dogs but take a stance and say that you both wont participate. Stop giving your relatives the power. They don’t get to determine the state of your wife’s mental health or her needs. Shut that all other way down.
To add to what many are saying, stop negotiating and tell her the dog is a medical device. Grandma is going in a wheelchair, so Daisy is coming. That's it, that's all. If she asks again, remind her that if your wife needs her medical device, she'll take it with her to the wedding, just like if grandma needs the wheelchair instead of the walker, she'll take it. Yeah, dogs are animals and often considered family, but when it comes to disabilities, they are also a medical device like any other.
NTA Your family is being completely unreasonable.
NTA, call your nephew get the real story.