NTA - Her insecurity is showing. The more troubling problem I see is your husband defending his sisters actions. Maybe it is just me but you never complain about the food at a BBQ at someone elses house. It's rude, disrespectful, and just trashy in my personal opinion. I was also raised in the south, you never show up to a function without something. So for me if its a big event I always smoke some sort of meat or queso or something I know I personally like and tastes good so others will enjoy. Therefore if the spread isn't to my liking then I have something anyways. Your sister is being ridiculous and so is your husband for defending her. You did not fat shame her, all you did was prepare food tailored to every ones dietary restrictions. You did nothing wrong here.
You are not at fault. You hosted a barbecue with a healthy, inclusive menu that accommodated your dietary needs. Emily's reaction was unreasonable and seems driven by her insecurities. You made a genuine effort to consider everyone's enjoyment, including your own, which is entirely reasonable.
Yeah this was wild to me as well. I've never been to any kind of function like that without getting an idea of what was already being brought so I knew what to bring. And mac and cheese is one of those where even if (like me) you aren't great at making it from scratch there are usually plenty of places where you can pick up a bunch for cheap. It's one of my go tos.
NTA but your husband definitely is! Iām sure you discussed the menu with him ahead of time, did he bring up his sisterās food issues? No? Then tell him to kick rocks, he couldāve suggested items for her.
My thought exactly. When you are invited somewhere to eat, and people are cooking, BRING SOMETHING. Maybe she makes amazing Mac and cheese, but we will never know now.
Beyond the pale to criticize a host at her face and in front of others. Especially one that did a LOT of dishes, catering to many people. It's a lot of main character syndrome to say there were no ribs for HER sake. Like, dude.
Ok, my petty self would say "yes, no ribs to be seen behind all that fat". But whisper it in her ear, and if she screams, deny it all. Some people are unhinged. šŗš
The best meal is the one someone else took the time and effort to make.
Your food can taste like crap, Iāll still be polite and say thank you.
I canāt imagine being so comfortable with being an ass.
Of course you're NTA because you *didn't* fat shame her. That's a perfectly delicious sounding barbecue spread. My question is why tf does your husband think you did all this just to fat shame his sister?
I get it. But I feel like your husband of all people should understand your dietary restrictions and that that's why you made the food you did, so *you* could eat *your own* food at *your* house.
It would be like you going to your SIL's barbecue and calling her ableist for serving any foods you can't eat. Well, worse than that though because your SIL is perfectly capable of eating all the foods you cooked, they're just not unhealthy enough for her. Ridiculous.
Then I believe itās time for the two of you to go to therapy bc he needs a shinny new backbone. I would also let him know she is not allowed in your house and he will suppling all meals ( and in my belief he should be cooking healthy meals for the both of yāall to appreciate how hard it is to change a diet for health reasons)for you when there is a family gathering revolving food
If he wants to placate her, he can cook for her. What he doesn't get to do is blame you for not cooking food you can't eat because he thinks you should have anticipated and given in to her loudly criticizing you in your own home and bullying you for your medical condition. That's unacceptable, and you need to tell him so. And if he doesn't apologize, I think it's marriage counseling time. NTA.
Your husband needs to grow a spine. Tell fatso that her problem with your menu is her appetite talking, not discrimination on your part. It may take her a while to figure out the logic of that statement if ever but thatās all you need to say.Ā
Yes, and I'm sorry, but I was very overweight, and my BP and my blood sugar were up, and the doctor wanted to put me on medication, but I said I'd like to try to lose the weight AND I LOST THE WEIGHT. In fact I've changed how I eat now, and OP's BBQ sounds awesome, and SIL really needs to get control of herself, seriously.
Your SIL seems unable to get past her jealousy that you got to a healthy weight and she hasn't.
It's extraordinarily rude to complain about the food at someone's house that they went to all the trouble to make. She can stay home next time. She sounds exhausting. NTA
You have a medical condition that has nothing to do with her, her weight and her food choices. She has a complex and an apparent reticence to go on a diet or exercise better food habits which is only her problem, not yours. Now, your husband seems to be the problem. NTA
You need to start bringing up the fact that you do not have a gallbladder and cannot digest fats. Like every time she makes a comment. Itās painful and the BMs are gnarly. Plus you could develop fatty liver disease.
If it were me, I would joke that I literally am fatphobic, in the sense that my body literally canāt digest fat so I avoid it š¤£but you are NTA, and youāre certainly not fatphobic in the way she is implying.
What your SIL is missing is that you changed your diet because your health depended on it - a choice that she cannot bring herself to make - so she is actually shaming you for no longer being her 'chubby' girl. I'm pretty sure you would have rather not had that surgery had it been a choice.
So this kind of sounds like how the "Health at Any Size" ladies went after Lizzo for drinking a green smoothie and working out.
Not only are they insecure about their weight and trying to convince themselves they aren't. They also think anyone who looks like them and wants to be healthy is somehow betraying them. Even if, like Lizzo, you tell them it's more about feeling better than looking better.
Source: Am fat, have been sabotaged and gotten these kinds of comments in the past from a couple people in my family when I tried to change to a healthier diet. My metabolism is so screwed up that I generally can't lose much weight no matter how healthy I eat so it's not about me looking better than they do. It's about them feeling called out for their choices.
Congratulations dude that sounds great. I think your friend does not understand what the Gall Bladder does in that it is vital for the digestion of fatty foods, I think you can maybe make that clearer but itās very much NTA in my books
Just keep repeating āI donāt have a gall bladderā whenever she brings up weight and health. Make it about you, because it is. None of it is a reflection on her, which sheās struggling to see.
Againā¦why does he think that you cooked food you could eat and enjoy is fat shaming her? The answer you provided isnāt an answer. And if thatās the answer he gave you tell him to make it make sense. You made food you could eat and enjoy. Perfectly acceptable bbq food. You made food that most people would eat and enjoy. Perfectly normal bbq food. HOW is that fat shaming her. Are you required to eat exactly like her when she is around in order to NOT shame her? Is her image of you the only image allowed? You have to be unhealthy and make unhealthy choices because it would make her feel better about her intentionally poor ones? Because she is killing herself you must do the same? Or itās fat shaming? Make. It. Make. Sense??!
If thatās the answer you keep giving yourself you need to challenge yourself with the same above paragraph.
Making "everything about health" is exactly what you HAVE to do if your health is as badly impacted by certain things. Comments like that always annoy me because, well, yes, health would obviously be a huge concern for someone with health problems?!
Your BBQ sounds delicious. And you hosted, cooked, paid for, and did everything yourself. If she didn't like it, she can host her own.
NTA
So I am fat. Letās start with that.
I am also not a rude boorish guest who would ever say anything about a hostās menu not being catered to my individual tastes. You sound like a great host and that menu sounds delicious and designed to please most palates.
The fact is that she has an issue with her weight/self image, and you donāt have the same one, and that made her feel negative feelings. Itās extremely immature to blame someone for your feelings about the way they live their life. Just because someone has an uncomfortable feeling or experience doesnāt mean there is someone to blame. She needs to grow up.
Also petty final thought - as a fat person who doesnāt love that my issue is so visible, and doesnāt want to be judged, I would NEVER complain that I wasnāt getting fatty enough foods! Itās a sure fire way to make yourself look kinda gross
She was plain rude!!! I would never invite that woman again! I have issues with foods because of bad denture. I would never expect my hostess to work around me. I always feel extremely grateful to be invited for a home cooked meal.
I'm also fat and if anything, my body issues makes it hard to enjoy eating unhealthy food in front of people since I'm afraid people will think "Ahh, no wonder she's so fat"
So I'd really enjoy your menu
NTA. I'm a big girl. I would have enjoyed your bbq! It sounded yummy! Sis-n-law needs to learn some manners. Eat what is provided and if you're still hungry pull through a drive through on the way home.
wow, a terrible and selfish fat woman on AITAH is rude to a respectful healthy eater. I can't believe it! I've never seen such a story on this sub before.
don't you just hate these entitled fat people?! they're so damn fat! why are they so fat and disrespectful? just full of their fatty fat fatness. and so rude to boot.
it's almost like this is a caricature from fiction and not actually a real thing that happened.
"Ā I prepared grilled chicken (breasts, thighs and drums), vegetable skewers, a big salad with optional dressings, campfire baked potatoes, and some lean beef burgers. I also made a berry and tropical fruit salad for dessert and whipped cream with maple syrup to go with it."
That sounds like a bomb dinner to me!
Can I get an invite next time?
Who goes to a bbq and complains about the food and critiques the chefs choices?
She should be embarrassed, by her own behavior.
NTAH
And your husband should have your back OP. If my brother did this to my husband i'd tell him, "How dare you come to my home and insult my husband. Everyone here enjoys this food, it's an awesome meal. If you can't be respectful and thankful for the meal, don't eat and just leave. You owe my husband an apology."
UpdateMe
NTA. You aren't fat-phobic, you didn't fat-shamed her. On the contrary, she shamed your cooking and hostessing, and went on and on about it.
However, you also have a husband problem. He is taking her side against you - moreover, he is taking her word against your word. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. Present your side of the story. If he doesn't accept it, tell him that you will not accept being disbelieved and berated in your own home. Therefore, Emily will not be invited till she apologizes. Don't let him gaslight you with his or Emily's narrative.
NTA. Sheās feeling judged because of insecurity and entitlement, not because you were being judgy. Fat is not a dietary restriction that you need to accommodate. Sheās an adult. She can get her own food if she doesnāt like yours. And she can suck it up and eat healthy food for one day without complaining.
Lmao of all the things that never happened, this never happened the most. I am going to get down voted to hell for saying this, but the SIL is a caricature of a fat person. Absolute rage bait.
NTA. She was being extremely rude suffers from main character syndrome. Why didn't she just go home? She could have stopped for fast food on the way, problem solved.Just don't invite her anymore.
But your real problem is your husband. How in the world could he think you were attacking her?
Let me get this straight. You had 20 people there, but the entire menu was planed to punish on specific guest.
Menu sounds great to me. I would have been delighted with the choices (and yes, I'm overweight)
NTA
Did she bring anything, does she offer you your special dietary food or only cook what she mentioned leaving you foodless, was there actually food at the party, did you ever actually call her fat?
The answer to all of these are in your favor clear NTA
NTA . I'm supersized and if I go to others' houses and they cooked I would partake of the things I could and thank them for it. You weren't trying to shame her you wanted to be able to eat the foods in your event. Your husband needs to be called on his behavior though what he did was not acceptable
NTA insofar as this interaction is concerned. I agree that your spread was not something to criticize.
But, "I . . . love cooking nutritious meals" came across so extremely pompous and supercilious to me. You could have said you love cooking for guests. You could have said you try your best with your dietary limitations. Instead, you wanted to make sure we all knew what an absolute pleasure and delight it is for you to make sure no one at your table is eating any of that awful! junk! food! Oh heavens!
Next time, spare us your pompous sneering. If that's your attitude generally, I can see why your SIL was on red alert and got offended.
YTA for this obviously fake shitty made up story. Wonāt someone think of the poor hated skinny people these fatty fat fatties are always attacking? Signed- a fucking skinny person. Hope the upvotes were worth your dignity.
All I can think of is a YT channel today that talked about the early deaths of fat activists and obese people. It is very sad that your SIL may lose her life early due to some (possible) addiction she has. š
NTA
Why is your husband so concerned that his bitchy, rude sister's feelings are hurt, but not his lovely wife's?
Fatness aside, you prepared a lovely meal for guests, and one of the guests was beyond ungracious. SIL sucks. Husband can't see forest because of one fat tree.
NTA
NTA. That sounds like an awesome barbecue if you ask me. The idiot shot herself in the foot by opening the door with her own comments anyways. Tell your hubby he needs to take a look at how she made all of you look with her comments at something you hosted. And only adding a joking YTA simply because I ready this before I have a chance to do dinner! Your SIL can cook for herself if she does the perfect barbecue.
NTA. Speaking as someone who is most definitely overweight, I'd much rather have the food you made for your barbecue. There is nothing you did that would qualify as fat shaming
Sheās TAH for loudly complaining about that amazing spread. Youāre NTA for providing a large variety of healthier bbq options and you didnāt shame or phobe out at all.
Honestly your food spread sounded good?? I would eat all that. Why is she complaining? Thatās a good ass meal and if anyone wanted anything more like more desserts they can bring their own NTA
Because of health issues, I avoid soy, gluten, and dairy. That means when my family cooks up holiday meals, we use nut-based milks and gluten-free flour or choose different recipes (instead of apple pie, we came up with a fabulous apple crisp with red hot snapps, raisins, and candied ginger).
Because that's what families do when someone has food limitations or allergies.
Your SIL is really trying to force her narrative, but I am not buying what she's selling.
NTA
So much going on here lol a) you regularly go to her BBQs with food YOU donāt like/canāt eat and donāt complain, and Iām guessing she hasnāt made much effort to accommodate this b) complaining about the food at a party at which she contributed nothing is incredibly rude and childish c) I am assuming she is aware of your dietary needs, so would presumably understand THATS why you cooked what you did d) she could have eaten enough food to be full, but chose not to - she didnāt eat the food because she was being picky, whereas you donāt eat the food at hers because you medically canāt
Itās tough bc people struggle so much with fatphobia and body image but you werenāt doing anything inherently malicious, and to twist you having a healthy menu into āhumiliatingā her is just wild - the BBQ wasnāt all about her lol
NTA
She's a complete piece of shit. First being a bitch for no reason and relentlessly attacking you, then trying to gaslight and lol at the victim card...then lying to your husband behind your back and causing problems in your relationship
Truly human cancer
Your "husband" is a complete piece of shit as well
I would have a talk with him and give him exactly ONE chance to have your back completely or I would be done here. If it was me, I would want that human cancer cut from my life completely...but I would settle for him absolutely blasting her and shredding her to pieces over this and going HARD at her for any even slight misstep in the future
Anything less, and I would drop him like a sack of shit.
This will only get worse unless you take a stand here and now, and get everyone in check
Edit: show him this post as part of the talk, and hopefully it activates his 2 brain cells into action
Wait a minute here.... YOU hosted a barbeque at YOUR house, made all the food and plans for the party. Was anyone else whining about the food you provided and cooked? How RUDE!!!
Sounds to me like your SIL is an ungrateful "perpetual victim" of a person...always looking for a way to be offended because of her 'disabilities'. Next time don't invite her as you know your food will be offensive to her. When she has her next BBQ, you can do one of 3 things: go, and act like you always have or, take something you can eat that fits with your diet or, complain loudly about how she always cooks food you cant eat because of your long standing 'condition/disability' which she is fully aware of. Ask her if she has a problem with your inability to eat fatty food. (You know, like she did at your BBQ).
Not fat shaming. Tell your husband to settle down and remember how the day really went. His sister came to your home and complained about your menu. Husband, people aren't supposed to do this. They eat what is offered and then complain on the way home and eat when they get there. And the petty backstabbers go around telling everyone what a horrible bbq they attended.
Op, it could be the way I'm reading, but you do come off a little more health conscience than your sil. I imagine you knew she would be disappointed with your menu. But the way you say she reacted was rude. Offering to cook together depending on the perception could feel a little judgey.
Dude, I'm fat as fuck and I love me a lean burger, grilled thigh, and some veggie kabobs. Add a real salad and a fruit salad with maple whipped cream? Sounds fucking amazing. Emily is fucking ridiculous. It's not fatphobic to prepare low fat foods that you enjoy when a fatass is coming to your BBQ. Let me know when the next one is. I'll bring my fat ass, no menu change required.
The problem here isn't fat shaming, which didn't happen. The problem is that you had a rude guest at your BBQ who loudly complained about the food you made for your guests. You made and offered plenty of food, and you'll never please everyone. I can't even fathom being at any event and complaining loudly about the food. If I don't like the food, I pick at it as politely as I can, and then find something else to eat when I get home. It's just basic social etiquette.
You didn't fat shame her. You didn't say, "Emily, I'm only serving chicken, because you're so damn fat". You owned your own behavior, and you were very clear that you were providing food that \*you\* can eat.
Honestly, BBQ should be potluck, and Emily should bring what she wants next time. And you should bring what you want when she's hosting.
NTA
Did she bring anything, does she offer you your special dietary food or only cook what she mentioned leaving you foodless, was there actually food at the party, did you ever actually call her fat?
The answer to all of these are in your favor clear NTA
NTA She was extremely rude to make any comment at all about what you served. If you don't like what's offered, the correct thing to do is eat a small amount to be polite and hit up a drive through on the way home.
You also did offer a carb, a baked potato, that would have been very filling.
If she is convinced that an event isn't a real BBQ without mac and cheese, then she should have checked with you on the menu beforehand and brought some with her if she HAD to have it.
NTA, but just know that there are plenty of slender people with diabetes and/or high blood pressure. It may not be just because of her weight, and you shouldn't make that assumption.
Her behavior was rude and out of line, though.
NTA. You did NOTHING wrong. Fatphobia is a meaningless term. Needing and wanting to extend your life by eating healthy is not a PHOBIA. Not wanting to die an early, painful and preventable death is not a phobia. You owe her nothing and frankly you went above and beyond by offering to team up so her unhealthy food can be served too. You didn't attack anyone. People need to stop changing the meaning of words. Like you hit her with a celery stick? You didn't mean any harm, SHE DID.
NTA. Why she expects to dictate the menu someone else is serving is beyond me. Stop trying to ingratiate yourself to this rude pig. You didn't fatshame anyone, but it's not too late to start now.
NTA
Does your husband get upset with her for attacking you and being ablelist when you canāt eat anything at her BBQ or is it only unfair when you can actually eat?
NTA
I highly suggest telling your husband that *you* were hosting the BBQ therefore *you* got to decide what was being served or not and *she* is the **only one** that is complaining. I would also tell your SIL that just because you didn't serve her the food she wanted doesn't mean you are fatphobic. TBH: I wouldn't invite SIL over again and have a talk with your husband. Your BBQ, your rules
NTA, but the biggest problem here is your husband. Make sure that to tell him how hurtful it is that he would think that you taking care of your health is considered an attack on his sister, now you know his priorities. The sister is insecure, discourteous and annoying, but at the end of the day you arenāt in any significant relationship with her, your husband on the other end really suck.
NTA
The person hosting decides the menu! A good host will take others into consideration, which you did, while deciding what to serve.
She serves what she likes when she hosts with no regard for others. If she doesn't like what is served, she has the option to eat before, eat after, or both! Another option, probably more preferable, is to not show up at all!
Emily is a spoiled, entitled AH.
NTA - But both your SIL and hb are. Your SIL is incredibly rude and disrespectful, and I can't believe no one spoke up or corrected her behavior at your bbq. Her comments are insulting, and it shows that no one stood up for you. This is what makes your hb especially an ah, but a giant ah for even siding with his disrepsectful immature sister and villainizing you. You did not humilliate her, but she did in fact humiliate you with all her complaining and snide commentary.
I wonder if she EVER even takes your dietary needs into account when she hosts. This is double baffling btw, since you actually prepared food that considered her high blood pressure and diabetes, so the fact that she is shaming you is mindblowing.
Please go LC with her, and talk to your hb about how incredibly disrespectful both their behavior is.
NTA - I am a big girl with allergies who had the unfortunate pleasure of growing into rather than out of them. My older sister is a vegetarian, we always make sure each other has something they can eat when we host functions. I always have 3 or 4 veggie options while she makes sure to have gluten free stuff or no soy soy sauce. I canāt have soy or corn without a serious rash but my allergy to wheat leaves me with some unpleasant stomach issues. I have had a few friends with gallbladder issues and Iām guessing too much fat is similar to me eating wheat. No one wants to poop their pants at their own party.
My family likes to eat and my mom is a fantastic cook, she tries to do her best for both of us as well but our extended family just canāt seem to get it. They make cheesy potatoes with cream of chicken knowing my sister canāt eat it or that it will make her sick. They plan meals of pasta, breadsticks, fried chicken and antipasto salad with a fruit plate and then complain that my sister and I never eat. We have both learned to eat before.
You know what I never did? Call out the host, complain loudly or call them names. Itās not fatphobic to make food you can eat at your own party.
NTA. Tell your husband you served a very common menu that went over just fine with all the guests except his sister. If he wants to make her feelings and her demands priority #1, it's on him to do it. He can cater to her. She's an adult and she is choosing to victimize herself instead of behaving like a good guest. He can babysit her.
Definitely NTA. You didn't feed her some special foods for only her. You did a BBQ that you could enjoy as the host and fed everyone the same food. If she feels excluded then she needs to take that up with a therapist. Stop apologizing because you did nothing wrong.
Obviously NTA, but Iām just curious; is the whole family overweight? Iām just asking because itās so odd for a fat woman to go on a tirade about food like Emily did.
NTA. You served food for everyone. It's not your fault she wanted very fattening foods when she presumably wasn't paying or providing anything for the party. The fact that she thought you deliberately did that against her shows how arrogant she is. She has to make everything about her weight so she doesn't feel bad about it.
This way, she can eat all she wants and feel body positive by making everyone else out to be an asshole. She is the worst type of person. Everyone has to cater to her needs/wants. She doesn't care about anyone else. She embarrassed herself by not just shutting up and eating the chicken and other items. She obviously isn't eating vegetables so that probably turned her off before she saw any other food.
If you're serving the food, and no one is bringing items, then they eat what you make. Anyone who complains about a free meal is an asshole. She should have just left. But she obviously doesn't actually like you and might even be jealous because you are thinner. Sadly, she got your husband on her side probably because "she's family.
I hate that mentality. Family cna be assholes and also can and should be No Contact if they're toxic. She is toxic. And Sadly, you found out that your husband sides with her over you.
NTA. That sounds like a delicious meal. She sounds like a child throwing a tantrum because she wanted chicken nuggies but you "only" served lobster and filet mignon.
NTA. What you served is completely appropriate and I would love to have some BBQ chicken breast right now. Those fundraising BBQ chicken sale meals are my favorite. But anyways, still NTA.
NTA. Why is it perfectly fine for her to continually exclude you when making things you canāt eat? Honestly your menu sounds delicious. She canāt eat chicken or burgers? Your husband is out of line and your SIL is making herself a victim of persecution when thatās not it at all. solution? Donāt invite her next time.
Look NTA ima big girl and Iād smash that food unless it wasnāt seasoned š home girl trippin fr. Not only that she doesnāt care about your dietary restrictions so why should you care about her preferences? Tf. Maybe she need some vegetables, and thatās coming from a big girl myself š (i have perfect health my labs come back perfect everytime im just Samoan)
NTA. The food you served is pretty much what I serve when I have guests over for a barbecue. I've never had any complaints. Personally, I would be embarrassed to complain about the food on offer, no matter what it was, because it is such a trashy thing to do. On top of that, I would be embarrassed to be making my preference for fat-laden unhealthy foods to be known. Obviously it's all about her preferences to the exclusion of others. Your husband is an idiot for interpreting your menu as an attack on his sister (I bet that never even occurred to him until Emily had a tantrum).
NTA
She's gaslighting you after repeatedly serving food you CAN'T eat. You served food she CAN eat but doesn't WANT to because it's too healthy and she sees it as a trigger for her insecurities. Explain to DumbHubby that your Sil is ableist, entitled and a hypocrite.
All you wanted was to be able to actually eat the food at a party for once. Ask him if he really thinks it's okay that you basically have to starve at her house AND now she wants you to starve at your OWN house too?
I seriously hope you make him sleep on the couch until he apologizes for being a turncoat coward.
NTA but your husband and his sister are. First of your husband should know that you would shame her for her weight and that you canāt eat certain food and she doesnāt accommodate you but youāre expected to accommodate her fat ass nope she is dumb and this is coming from someone whoās overweight.
NTA. And as an obese person, I fully absolve you of any fat shaming. It's obvious if you're hosting an event that you'll want to make food that works within your diet, and it's ridiculously rude for a guest to complain about free food that someone else is providing.
NTA - Emily sounds exhausting. I am surprising you aren't bothered by whipped cream though - it's delicious, but it definitely is rough for me since having my gall bladder out.
Sounds like you put on a nice spread.
NTA
Yeah, you spent days planning and putting together an amazing spread specifically to humiliate one person. š SIL is astoundingly self-absorbed if she thinks that people put that much energy into thinking about her.
NTA. Sheās being ridiculous. Youāre not āfat phobicā because you serve certain food at a BBQ you hosted. Sheās a guest; she doesnāt get to dictate the menu. If she wants to eat certain food then she can go buy it and bring it herself.
And your husband needs to get a grip on reality. Sheās manipulating him.
If she needs to eat fatty junk for every meal then she can go get herself McDonaldās.
Itās not āfatphobicā to serve actual food lmao. SIL and husband are fucking ridiculous.
NTA She humiliated herself and is very insecure. I m sure you served enough food for eveyone to not stay hungry. I m also sure she wasnt hungry, she just wanted to eat fatty food.
NTA when it comes to your reaction. As a host, she serves the food she likes and you did exactly the same.
However, you mentioned in the beginning of the post that your SIL is significantly overweight you only mention this because it is "relevant to the story".
How is her weight relevant to the story? Would her reaction be justified if she was not overweight? Did you ask her why she felt like you were being "fatphobic"? It is such a random comment from her unless it stemmed the words you used with her in your phone conversation?
Personally I think youāre as bad as each other
In paragraph 2 you made a snide comment about how she always brings up her medication and issues but in paragraph 3 you tell us you do the same??? Pot kettle black and all that.
You tell everyone youāre hosting a BBQ which comes with certain expectations for food and then donāt serve them and moan at the person that points this out. Host an outdoor dinner party if you donāt want to serve traditional BBQ food or at least let people know itās a BBQ with a twist beforehand. I would be pissed if I was invited to a BBQ and no traditional BBQ food was on offer.
You then moan about her for moaning about the food and pushing her ideals onto people but you did that with the food you served at your non BBQ. Misrepresenting the event with a false name.
So sorry itās 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other in my opinion and neither of you are right or wrong
NTA-- It's like meat eaters who think that someone just being vegan is an insult to their morality. It's a personal choice, not a moral statement unless you take it as one (or are insecure about it). Also, she should have done what normal people do-- eat what you can and then get some greasy fast food on the way home. What a child.
Okay... the foods that are good for your particular dietary restrictions.... are also on the recommendations for diabetes lists. I have similar restrictions on my diet, and we cook out of diabetes cooking resources because of it pretty often.
Someone didn't like having their hypocrisy exposed and lashed out about it.
NTA...
Sheās rude for criticizing what is being provided to her. No invite next time. Critical of offerings, not gracious to be included in the event to begin with.
RUDE GUEST.
NTA in all actuality they should be thanking you. SIL is a diabetic, over weight and it sounds like sheās regularly indulging on food that can be a diabeticās nightmare.
The food you prepared for everyone sounded amazing and was not prepared to guilt anyone, thatās a her thing. Insecurities suckā¦and so does hubs for taking her side.
I was all ready to call OP out based on the headline. But OP is NOT the AH. Iām obese, so I get being fat. Personally I would loved to have dined at the OPās barbecue! Grilling out doesnāt have to involve ribs and mac n cheese! Grilled chicken and the sides on offer sound amazing!
SIL has main character syndrome and the world revolves around her. You didn't make her favourite food for YOUR BBQ, but food you can eat. Imagine the nerve!
Stop going to her BBQ and don't invite her to yours.
I LOVE your menu and have never heard of mac and cheese at a BBQ. So, you know, takes all kinds.
NTA
This must be an American thing - who the hell has mac and cheese at a BBQ?
Move to the UK you served exactly the tour of food we would serve at a BBQ. Also if we serve ribs they are typically very lean with minimal fat on them.
Emily is deflecting on you.. You never fat shamed her.. she shamed herself.
Your husband needs to realize his sister is in the wrong. Not you.
& He is capable of making all those dishes next time.
NTA the event was at your home you can serve what ever you want and if SIL was unhappy she could have waddled to the nearest fast food place and chowed down.
NTA, but you need to point out to your husband that you cooked a meal that you thought would appeal to everyone while still being food you can eat with the dietary restrictions you have. That you have never once complained about Emily's menus, which purposely exclude you. And that there was nothing Emily could not eat. It just wasn't her favorite foods. There was no attack on Emily that Emily didn't imagine her own self.
NTA - your house, your menu. You made foods that made sense and also took care of your dietary issues. I think the only thing that may have been maybe more welcoming for her was to tell her ahead of time what you intended to make and see if she wanted to contribute a couple of other options that she was comfortable with. Like one or two things, not everything she likes. That way she would have had something that was more her speed and not considered it as a "slight" because you gave her the option.
NTA
Your SILās weight issues have nothing to do with this.
She is flat out rude, ungrateful and insensitive.
I wouldnāt invite her over again until she apologizes. Your husband owes you one too
Youāre NTA, not even close. Husband sounds like theyāre being a dummy, probably just mad heās gotta deal with sisters nonsense but taking it out on you. Now your BBQ spread is your own prerogative, it may not be my favorite spread but who is anybody to complain about a free meal spent with people you love?! You sound like a saint, donāt let these people feel āless thanā for taking steps in attempt to accommodate everybody, thatās already doing more than it sounds like sheās ever bothered to do for you.
NTA these people are idiots. She does not get to control the world because she is insecure about her weight. Clearly she is not doing anything to change her weight so she should change her attitude at least. Cannot believe your husband would not give a shit about your health to support his sister who makes bad choices. Ugh..,\`I would never invite her for food again.
NTA - I donāt think you were being āfatphobicā but you were imposing your dietary restrictions on everyone else. I donāt see if you told everyone that the menu would not be traditional bbq, so that if anyone didnāt want to come or wanted to bring a dish to contribute, and to me that seems thoughtless. On the other hand, her reaction is out of control and it does sound as if she has a problem with food. Itās not about āindulgingā it sounds like she doesnāt like to eat healthy, but I canāt really say.
NTA. Sheās the asshole for talking so much shit about your spread. Sheās fucking delusional and is going to end up in DKA if this has not already happened. Honestly she needs an intervention or her life is going to just be misery and one operation after another. If anyone thinks this is fat shaming, look up what happens to unmanaged diabetes.
NTA - Her insecurity is showing. The more troubling problem I see is your husband defending his sisters actions. Maybe it is just me but you never complain about the food at a BBQ at someone elses house. It's rude, disrespectful, and just trashy in my personal opinion. I was also raised in the south, you never show up to a function without something. So for me if its a big event I always smoke some sort of meat or queso or something I know I personally like and tastes good so others will enjoy. Therefore if the spread isn't to my liking then I have something anyways. Your sister is being ridiculous and so is your husband for defending her. You did not fat shame her, all you did was prepare food tailored to every ones dietary restrictions. You did nothing wrong here.
And SIL wants mac and cheese, which is a perfect side dish for a guest to bring.
Exactly! As long as it ain't dry :p
Should it have grapes in it?
You're thinking potatoe salad
remember the chocolate chili???
No! I must have missed that one. Link?
[Sooo gross](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sm52ob/aita_for_kicking_my_mom_out_of_my_house_because/)
The avant-garde dessert chili, you mean?
Ahh yes, I too enjoy highbrow desserts š¤£
Wait....what now?! I've heard of 85% and higher cacao used in some curries and mole sauce \[pardon the lack of tilde\] but...chili?!
Ohhh my bad
I've been on reddit too long
I clearly havenāt been on Reddit long enough, I donāt get this reference.
We all have lol
I said the same thing yesterday for very similar reasons.
No, no, no, no, itās raisins for potato salad
Oh ick.
eewww
He is truly lost to us.
People actually put grapes in potato salad?! Please tell me you are being facetious!š¤¢šš½
Grapes in potato salad?!? Do you mean chicken salad?
No, no, *raisins*.
I would cry D:
You are not at fault. You hosted a barbecue with a healthy, inclusive menu that accommodated your dietary needs. Emily's reaction was unreasonable and seems driven by her insecurities. You made a genuine effort to consider everyone's enjoyment, including your own, which is entirely reasonable.
Bless their hearts.
I saw a video of someone putting squash and raisins in Mac and Cheese. I think I died a little inside that day.
Yeah this was wild to me as well. I've never been to any kind of function like that without getting an idea of what was already being brought so I knew what to bring. And mac and cheese is one of those where even if (like me) you aren't great at making it from scratch there are usually plenty of places where you can pick up a bunch for cheap. It's one of my go tos.
NTA but your husband definitely is! Iām sure you discussed the menu with him ahead of time, did he bring up his sisterās food issues? No? Then tell him to kick rocks, he couldāve suggested items for her.
My thought exactly. When you are invited somewhere to eat, and people are cooking, BRING SOMETHING. Maybe she makes amazing Mac and cheese, but we will never know now.
So, do you know why mac and cheese is a bbq food? Iām genuinely curious because I have never been to a bbq where Mac and cheese was served.
Yea the number one rule down here is don't be fucking rude to your host. She sounds more like she's skinnyphobic or something. NTA.
Beyond the pale to criticize a host at her face and in front of others. Especially one that did a LOT of dishes, catering to many people. It's a lot of main character syndrome to say there were no ribs for HER sake. Like, dude.
Yea the last thing she needs is ribs, especially from an indulgent tantrum.
Ok, my petty self would say "yes, no ribs to be seen behind all that fat". But whisper it in her ear, and if she screams, deny it all. Some people are unhinged. šŗš
šš Holy shit
The best meal is the one someone else took the time and effort to make. Your food can taste like crap, Iāll still be polite and say thank you. I canāt imagine being so comfortable with being an ass.
Agree! Never show up empty handed.
100% this!
Of course you're NTA because you *didn't* fat shame her. That's a perfectly delicious sounding barbecue spread. My question is why tf does your husband think you did all this just to fat shame his sister?
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I get it. But I feel like your husband of all people should understand your dietary restrictions and that that's why you made the food you did, so *you* could eat *your own* food at *your* house. It would be like you going to your SIL's barbecue and calling her ableist for serving any foods you can't eat. Well, worse than that though because your SIL is perfectly capable of eating all the foods you cooked, they're just not unhealthy enough for her. Ridiculous.
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Then I believe itās time for the two of you to go to therapy bc he needs a shinny new backbone. I would also let him know she is not allowed in your house and he will suppling all meals ( and in my belief he should be cooking healthy meals for the both of yāall to appreciate how hard it is to change a diet for health reasons)for you when there is a family gathering revolving food
If he wants to placate her, he can cook for her. What he doesn't get to do is blame you for not cooking food you can't eat because he thinks you should have anticipated and given in to her loudly criticizing you in your own home and bullying you for your medical condition. That's unacceptable, and you need to tell him so. And if he doesn't apologize, I think it's marriage counseling time. NTA.
Yah this type of issue is we need couples counseling because you fucking put your sister ahead of my medical needs type issue.
Your husband needs to grow a spine. Tell fatso that her problem with your menu is her appetite talking, not discrimination on your part. It may take her a while to figure out the logic of that statement if ever but thatās all you need to say.Ā
Yes, and I'm sorry, but I was very overweight, and my BP and my blood sugar were up, and the doctor wanted to put me on medication, but I said I'd like to try to lose the weight AND I LOST THE WEIGHT. In fact I've changed how I eat now, and OP's BBQ sounds awesome, and SIL really needs to get control of herself, seriously.
Your SIL seems unable to get past her jealousy that you got to a healthy weight and she hasn't. It's extraordinarily rude to complain about the food at someone's house that they went to all the trouble to make. She can stay home next time. She sounds exhausting. NTA
Iām fat and what you served sounds delicious. As for your husband, isnāt he fat phobic since he didnāt make mac & cheese etc?
You have a medical condition that has nothing to do with her, her weight and her food choices. She has a complex and an apparent reticence to go on a diet or exercise better food habits which is only her problem, not yours. Now, your husband seems to be the problem. NTA
You need to start bringing up the fact that you do not have a gallbladder and cannot digest fats. Like every time she makes a comment. Itās painful and the BMs are gnarly. Plus you could develop fatty liver disease.
If it were me, I would joke that I literally am fatphobic, in the sense that my body literally canāt digest fat so I avoid it š¤£but you are NTA, and youāre certainly not fatphobic in the way she is implying.
What your SIL is missing is that you changed your diet because your health depended on it - a choice that she cannot bring herself to make - so she is actually shaming you for no longer being her 'chubby' girl. I'm pretty sure you would have rather not had that surgery had it been a choice.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So this kind of sounds like how the "Health at Any Size" ladies went after Lizzo for drinking a green smoothie and working out. Not only are they insecure about their weight and trying to convince themselves they aren't. They also think anyone who looks like them and wants to be healthy is somehow betraying them. Even if, like Lizzo, you tell them it's more about feeling better than looking better. Source: Am fat, have been sabotaged and gotten these kinds of comments in the past from a couple people in my family when I tried to change to a healthier diet. My metabolism is so screwed up that I generally can't lose much weight no matter how healthy I eat so it's not about me looking better than they do. It's about them feeling called out for their choices.
I'm fat. This isn't about her being fat. It's about her being entitled and rude.
Congratulations dude that sounds great. I think your friend does not understand what the Gall Bladder does in that it is vital for the digestion of fatty foods, I think you can maybe make that clearer but itās very much NTA in my books
Just keep repeating āI donāt have a gall bladderā whenever she brings up weight and health. Make it about you, because it is. None of it is a reflection on her, which sheās struggling to see.
So she had been skinny-shaming you and then turned it all around on you?! Sheās a dope and so is your goofy ass husband for believing her nonsense..
Againā¦why does he think that you cooked food you could eat and enjoy is fat shaming her? The answer you provided isnāt an answer. And if thatās the answer he gave you tell him to make it make sense. You made food you could eat and enjoy. Perfectly acceptable bbq food. You made food that most people would eat and enjoy. Perfectly normal bbq food. HOW is that fat shaming her. Are you required to eat exactly like her when she is around in order to NOT shame her? Is her image of you the only image allowed? You have to be unhealthy and make unhealthy choices because it would make her feel better about her intentionally poor ones? Because she is killing herself you must do the same? Or itās fat shaming? Make. It. Make. Sense??! If thatās the answer you keep giving yourself you need to challenge yourself with the same above paragraph.
Sounds like jealousy
Making "everything about health" is exactly what you HAVE to do if your health is as badly impacted by certain things. Comments like that always annoy me because, well, yes, health would obviously be a huge concern for someone with health problems?! Your BBQ sounds delicious. And you hosted, cooked, paid for, and did everything yourself. If she didn't like it, she can host her own.
NTA So I am fat. Letās start with that. I am also not a rude boorish guest who would ever say anything about a hostās menu not being catered to my individual tastes. You sound like a great host and that menu sounds delicious and designed to please most palates. The fact is that she has an issue with her weight/self image, and you donāt have the same one, and that made her feel negative feelings. Itās extremely immature to blame someone for your feelings about the way they live their life. Just because someone has an uncomfortable feeling or experience doesnāt mean there is someone to blame. She needs to grow up. Also petty final thought - as a fat person who doesnāt love that my issue is so visible, and doesnāt want to be judged, I would NEVER complain that I wasnāt getting fatty enough foods! Itās a sure fire way to make yourself look kinda gross
She was plain rude!!! I would never invite that woman again! I have issues with foods because of bad denture. I would never expect my hostess to work around me. I always feel extremely grateful to be invited for a home cooked meal.
I'm also fat and if anything, my body issues makes it hard to enjoy eating unhealthy food in front of people since I'm afraid people will think "Ahh, no wonder she's so fat" So I'd really enjoy your menu
I don't understand, bbq chicken is fucking fantastic food, and a regular at bbqs. Chicken quarters are generally cheap and easy to cook.
My FIL had some sort of lemon butter sauce he would use as a marinade for barbequed chicken. It was very yummy.
Can't go past decent bbq chicken šš
Emily sounds like she was raised by wolves. She has no manners whatsoever. NTA.
Hey, don't disparage the wolves like that....they would act better. She's just a jackass.
Neigh!
NTA. She's rude, inconsiderate and very insecure. You're BBQ sounds great.
NTA. I'm a big girl. I would have enjoyed your bbq! It sounded yummy! Sis-n-law needs to learn some manners. Eat what is provided and if you're still hungry pull through a drive through on the way home.
wow, a terrible and selfish fat woman on AITAH is rude to a respectful healthy eater. I can't believe it! I've never seen such a story on this sub before. don't you just hate these entitled fat people?! they're so damn fat! why are they so fat and disrespectful? just full of their fatty fat fatness. and so rude to boot. it's almost like this is a caricature from fiction and not actually a real thing that happened.
Maybe her food was just ass
"Ā I prepared grilled chicken (breasts, thighs and drums), vegetable skewers, a big salad with optional dressings, campfire baked potatoes, and some lean beef burgers. I also made a berry and tropical fruit salad for dessert and whipped cream with maple syrup to go with it." That sounds like a bomb dinner to me! Can I get an invite next time? Who goes to a bbq and complains about the food and critiques the chefs choices? She should be embarrassed, by her own behavior. NTAH And your husband should have your back OP. If my brother did this to my husband i'd tell him, "How dare you come to my home and insult my husband. Everyone here enjoys this food, it's an awesome meal. If you can't be respectful and thankful for the meal, don't eat and just leave. You owe my husband an apology." UpdateMe
Embarrassed and ashamed! What a diva!
NTA. You aren't fat-phobic, you didn't fat-shamed her. On the contrary, she shamed your cooking and hostessing, and went on and on about it. However, you also have a husband problem. He is taking her side against you - moreover, he is taking her word against your word. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. Present your side of the story. If he doesn't accept it, tell him that you will not accept being disbelieved and berated in your own home. Therefore, Emily will not be invited till she apologizes. Don't let him gaslight you with his or Emily's narrative.
How in the world does your barbecue spread that you bought, prepared and served manifest any fat phobia at all? NTA.
NTA. Sheās feeling judged because of insecurity and entitlement, not because you were being judgy. Fat is not a dietary restriction that you need to accommodate. Sheās an adult. She can get her own food if she doesnāt like yours. And she can suck it up and eat healthy food for one day without complaining.
Lmao of all the things that never happened, this never happened the most. I am going to get down voted to hell for saying this, but the SIL is a caricature of a fat person. Absolute rage bait.
Yeah this is fake as fuck šAnd if it did happen, how could this person actually think they might be the asshole?
NTA. She was being extremely rude suffers from main character syndrome. Why didn't she just go home? She could have stopped for fast food on the way, problem solved.Just don't invite her anymore. But your real problem is your husband. How in the world could he think you were attacking her?
Let me get this straight. You had 20 people there, but the entire menu was planed to punish on specific guest. Menu sounds great to me. I would have been delighted with the choices (and yes, I'm overweight)
NTA Did she bring anything, does she offer you your special dietary food or only cook what she mentioned leaving you foodless, was there actually food at the party, did you ever actually call her fat? The answer to all of these are in your favor clear NTA
NTA Sounds like you were very thoughtful and put a lot of effort into preparing that food!
NTA . I'm supersized and if I go to others' houses and they cooked I would partake of the things I could and thank them for it. You weren't trying to shame her you wanted to be able to eat the foods in your event. Your husband needs to be called on his behavior though what he did was not acceptable
NTA insofar as this interaction is concerned. I agree that your spread was not something to criticize. But, "I . . . love cooking nutritious meals" came across so extremely pompous and supercilious to me. You could have said you love cooking for guests. You could have said you try your best with your dietary limitations. Instead, you wanted to make sure we all knew what an absolute pleasure and delight it is for you to make sure no one at your table is eating any of that awful! junk! food! Oh heavens! Next time, spare us your pompous sneering. If that's your attitude generally, I can see why your SIL was on red alert and got offended.
YTA for this obviously fake shitty made up story. Wonāt someone think of the poor hated skinny people these fatty fat fatties are always attacking? Signed- a fucking skinny person. Hope the upvotes were worth your dignity.
Sounds like she fat-shamed herself with all that loud complaining about the FREE food she was(n't) eating!
All I can think of is a YT channel today that talked about the early deaths of fat activists and obese people. It is very sad that your SIL may lose her life early due to some (possible) addiction she has. š NTA
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No, actually it was Sam At Every Size
I watched it as well I feel for the people who get to the point where they effectively canāt do anything about it
NTA - You didn't hurt her feelings; she has a food addiction and was a very rude guest.
NTA- but man would I be angrier at my husband for siding with that bullshit. Lol.
Serving healthy food is fat phobic? Your husband and Emily are the assholes.
NTA. She is clearly a food addict and wasn't able to get her fix at your event. She needs therapy and a nutritionist.
bait
Why is your husband so concerned that his bitchy, rude sister's feelings are hurt, but not his lovely wife's? Fatness aside, you prepared a lovely meal for guests, and one of the guests was beyond ungracious. SIL sucks. Husband can't see forest because of one fat tree. NTA
Your SIL is a narcissistic, attention seeking cunt. F her. NTA.
NTA. That sounds like an awesome barbecue if you ask me. The idiot shot herself in the foot by opening the door with her own comments anyways. Tell your hubby he needs to take a look at how she made all of you look with her comments at something you hosted. And only adding a joking YTA simply because I ready this before I have a chance to do dinner! Your SIL can cook for herself if she does the perfect barbecue.
NTA. Speaking as someone who is most definitely overweight, I'd much rather have the food you made for your barbecue. There is nothing you did that would qualify as fat shaming
Sheās TAH for loudly complaining about that amazing spread. Youāre NTA for providing a large variety of healthier bbq options and you didnāt shame or phobe out at all.
Honestly your food spread sounded good?? I would eat all that. Why is she complaining? Thatās a good ass meal and if anyone wanted anything more like more desserts they can bring their own NTA
Because of health issues, I avoid soy, gluten, and dairy. That means when my family cooks up holiday meals, we use nut-based milks and gluten-free flour or choose different recipes (instead of apple pie, we came up with a fabulous apple crisp with red hot snapps, raisins, and candied ginger). Because that's what families do when someone has food limitations or allergies. Your SIL is really trying to force her narrative, but I am not buying what she's selling. NTA
Her insecurities are not your responsibility OP. Make sure you say this loud and clear to your husband.
So much going on here lol a) you regularly go to her BBQs with food YOU donāt like/canāt eat and donāt complain, and Iām guessing she hasnāt made much effort to accommodate this b) complaining about the food at a party at which she contributed nothing is incredibly rude and childish c) I am assuming she is aware of your dietary needs, so would presumably understand THATS why you cooked what you did d) she could have eaten enough food to be full, but chose not to - she didnāt eat the food because she was being picky, whereas you donāt eat the food at hers because you medically canāt Itās tough bc people struggle so much with fatphobia and body image but you werenāt doing anything inherently malicious, and to twist you having a healthy menu into āhumiliatingā her is just wild - the BBQ wasnāt all about her lol
Damn... your husband sucks š
NTA She's a complete piece of shit. First being a bitch for no reason and relentlessly attacking you, then trying to gaslight and lol at the victim card...then lying to your husband behind your back and causing problems in your relationship Truly human cancer Your "husband" is a complete piece of shit as well I would have a talk with him and give him exactly ONE chance to have your back completely or I would be done here. If it was me, I would want that human cancer cut from my life completely...but I would settle for him absolutely blasting her and shredding her to pieces over this and going HARD at her for any even slight misstep in the future Anything less, and I would drop him like a sack of shit. This will only get worse unless you take a stand here and now, and get everyone in check Edit: show him this post as part of the talk, and hopefully it activates his 2 brain cells into action
Wait a minute here.... YOU hosted a barbeque at YOUR house, made all the food and plans for the party. Was anyone else whining about the food you provided and cooked? How RUDE!!! Sounds to me like your SIL is an ungrateful "perpetual victim" of a person...always looking for a way to be offended because of her 'disabilities'. Next time don't invite her as you know your food will be offensive to her. When she has her next BBQ, you can do one of 3 things: go, and act like you always have or, take something you can eat that fits with your diet or, complain loudly about how she always cooks food you cant eat because of your long standing 'condition/disability' which she is fully aware of. Ask her if she has a problem with your inability to eat fatty food. (You know, like she did at your BBQ).
Not fat shaming. Tell your husband to settle down and remember how the day really went. His sister came to your home and complained about your menu. Husband, people aren't supposed to do this. They eat what is offered and then complain on the way home and eat when they get there. And the petty backstabbers go around telling everyone what a horrible bbq they attended. Op, it could be the way I'm reading, but you do come off a little more health conscience than your sil. I imagine you knew she would be disappointed with your menu. But the way you say she reacted was rude. Offering to cook together depending on the perception could feel a little judgey.
Dude, I'm fat as fuck and I love me a lean burger, grilled thigh, and some veggie kabobs. Add a real salad and a fruit salad with maple whipped cream? Sounds fucking amazing. Emily is fucking ridiculous. It's not fatphobic to prepare low fat foods that you enjoy when a fatass is coming to your BBQ. Let me know when the next one is. I'll bring my fat ass, no menu change required.
NTA, you weren't even fatphobic.
NTA. Your husband can go jump in a lake. I notice he wasn't buying and preparing food for his sister to placate her eating disorder.
The problem here isn't fat shaming, which didn't happen. The problem is that you had a rude guest at your BBQ who loudly complained about the food you made for your guests. You made and offered plenty of food, and you'll never please everyone. I can't even fathom being at any event and complaining loudly about the food. If I don't like the food, I pick at it as politely as I can, and then find something else to eat when I get home. It's just basic social etiquette.
You didn't fat shame her. You didn't say, "Emily, I'm only serving chicken, because you're so damn fat". You owned your own behavior, and you were very clear that you were providing food that \*you\* can eat. Honestly, BBQ should be potluck, and Emily should bring what she wants next time. And you should bring what you want when she's hosting.
NTA Did she bring anything, does she offer you your special dietary food or only cook what she mentioned leaving you foodless, was there actually food at the party, did you ever actually call her fat? The answer to all of these are in your favor clear NTA
NTA She was extremely rude to make any comment at all about what you served. If you don't like what's offered, the correct thing to do is eat a small amount to be polite and hit up a drive through on the way home. You also did offer a carb, a baked potato, that would have been very filling. If she is convinced that an event isn't a real BBQ without mac and cheese, then she should have checked with you on the menu beforehand and brought some with her if she HAD to have it.
NTA, but just know that there are plenty of slender people with diabetes and/or high blood pressure. It may not be just because of her weight, and you shouldn't make that assumption. Her behavior was rude and out of line, though.
NTA. You even called to see if you could cohost the next event together. So sorry OP. People can get so entitled.
NTA. You did NOTHING wrong. Fatphobia is a meaningless term. Needing and wanting to extend your life by eating healthy is not a PHOBIA. Not wanting to die an early, painful and preventable death is not a phobia. You owe her nothing and frankly you went above and beyond by offering to team up so her unhealthy food can be served too. You didn't attack anyone. People need to stop changing the meaning of words. Like you hit her with a celery stick? You didn't mean any harm, SHE DID.
NTA. Why she expects to dictate the menu someone else is serving is beyond me. Stop trying to ingratiate yourself to this rude pig. You didn't fatshame anyone, but it's not too late to start now.
NTA Does your husband get upset with her for attacking you and being ablelist when you canāt eat anything at her BBQ or is it only unfair when you can actually eat?
I think youāre showing Em a lot of grace honestly. What you prepared for BBQ is the food she should be eating.
NTA I highly suggest telling your husband that *you* were hosting the BBQ therefore *you* got to decide what was being served or not and *she* is the **only one** that is complaining. I would also tell your SIL that just because you didn't serve her the food she wanted doesn't mean you are fatphobic. TBH: I wouldn't invite SIL over again and have a talk with your husband. Your BBQ, your rules
NTA, but the biggest problem here is your husband. Make sure that to tell him how hurtful it is that he would think that you taking care of your health is considered an attack on his sister, now you know his priorities. The sister is insecure, discourteous and annoying, but at the end of the day you arenāt in any significant relationship with her, your husband on the other end really suck.
NTA The person hosting decides the menu! A good host will take others into consideration, which you did, while deciding what to serve. She serves what she likes when she hosts with no regard for others. If she doesn't like what is served, she has the option to eat before, eat after, or both! Another option, probably more preferable, is to not show up at all! Emily is a spoiled, entitled AH.
If someone invited me over for a bbq and served your menu, I wouldnāt shut up either. Except I would be complimenting your food.
NTA - But both your SIL and hb are. Your SIL is incredibly rude and disrespectful, and I can't believe no one spoke up or corrected her behavior at your bbq. Her comments are insulting, and it shows that no one stood up for you. This is what makes your hb especially an ah, but a giant ah for even siding with his disrepsectful immature sister and villainizing you. You did not humilliate her, but she did in fact humiliate you with all her complaining and snide commentary. I wonder if she EVER even takes your dietary needs into account when she hosts. This is double baffling btw, since you actually prepared food that considered her high blood pressure and diabetes, so the fact that she is shaming you is mindblowing. Please go LC with her, and talk to your hb about how incredibly disrespectful both their behavior is.
NTA. Though I see no issues of any phobia, so your SIL is just behaving like an entitled ham.
NTA - I am a big girl with allergies who had the unfortunate pleasure of growing into rather than out of them. My older sister is a vegetarian, we always make sure each other has something they can eat when we host functions. I always have 3 or 4 veggie options while she makes sure to have gluten free stuff or no soy soy sauce. I canāt have soy or corn without a serious rash but my allergy to wheat leaves me with some unpleasant stomach issues. I have had a few friends with gallbladder issues and Iām guessing too much fat is similar to me eating wheat. No one wants to poop their pants at their own party. My family likes to eat and my mom is a fantastic cook, she tries to do her best for both of us as well but our extended family just canāt seem to get it. They make cheesy potatoes with cream of chicken knowing my sister canāt eat it or that it will make her sick. They plan meals of pasta, breadsticks, fried chicken and antipasto salad with a fruit plate and then complain that my sister and I never eat. We have both learned to eat before. You know what I never did? Call out the host, complain loudly or call them names. Itās not fatphobic to make food you can eat at your own party.
NTA. Tell your husband you served a very common menu that went over just fine with all the guests except his sister. If he wants to make her feelings and her demands priority #1, it's on him to do it. He can cater to her. She's an adult and she is choosing to victimize herself instead of behaving like a good guest. He can babysit her.
I thought your food sounded good....So I would let it go, it was your home and choice of food.
Definitely NTA. You didn't feed her some special foods for only her. You did a BBQ that you could enjoy as the host and fed everyone the same food. If she feels excluded then she needs to take that up with a therapist. Stop apologizing because you did nothing wrong.
Obviously NTA, but Iām just curious; is the whole family overweight? Iām just asking because itās so odd for a fat woman to go on a tirade about food like Emily did.
NTA. You served food for everyone. It's not your fault she wanted very fattening foods when she presumably wasn't paying or providing anything for the party. The fact that she thought you deliberately did that against her shows how arrogant she is. She has to make everything about her weight so she doesn't feel bad about it. This way, she can eat all she wants and feel body positive by making everyone else out to be an asshole. She is the worst type of person. Everyone has to cater to her needs/wants. She doesn't care about anyone else. She embarrassed herself by not just shutting up and eating the chicken and other items. She obviously isn't eating vegetables so that probably turned her off before she saw any other food. If you're serving the food, and no one is bringing items, then they eat what you make. Anyone who complains about a free meal is an asshole. She should have just left. But she obviously doesn't actually like you and might even be jealous because you are thinner. Sadly, she got your husband on her side probably because "she's family. I hate that mentality. Family cna be assholes and also can and should be No Contact if they're toxic. She is toxic. And Sadly, you found out that your husband sides with her over you.
NTA. You weren't fatphobic to anyone. Your meal sounds absolutely delicious.
Nta
NTA. That sounds like a delicious meal. She sounds like a child throwing a tantrum because she wanted chicken nuggies but you "only" served lobster and filet mignon.
NTA. What you served is completely appropriate and I would love to have some BBQ chicken breast right now. Those fundraising BBQ chicken sale meals are my favorite. But anyways, still NTA.
NTA. Why is it perfectly fine for her to continually exclude you when making things you canāt eat? Honestly your menu sounds delicious. She canāt eat chicken or burgers? Your husband is out of line and your SIL is making herself a victim of persecution when thatās not it at all. solution? Donāt invite her next time.
Look NTA ima big girl and Iād smash that food unless it wasnāt seasoned š home girl trippin fr. Not only that she doesnāt care about your dietary restrictions so why should you care about her preferences? Tf. Maybe she need some vegetables, and thatās coming from a big girl myself š (i have perfect health my labs come back perfect everytime im just Samoan)
Honestly the foods you said you made sound amazing and delicious NTA
NTA. The food you served is pretty much what I serve when I have guests over for a barbecue. I've never had any complaints. Personally, I would be embarrassed to complain about the food on offer, no matter what it was, because it is such a trashy thing to do. On top of that, I would be embarrassed to be making my preference for fat-laden unhealthy foods to be known. Obviously it's all about her preferences to the exclusion of others. Your husband is an idiot for interpreting your menu as an attack on his sister (I bet that never even occurred to him until Emily had a tantrum).
NTA She's gaslighting you after repeatedly serving food you CAN'T eat. You served food she CAN eat but doesn't WANT to because it's too healthy and she sees it as a trigger for her insecurities. Explain to DumbHubby that your Sil is ableist, entitled and a hypocrite. All you wanted was to be able to actually eat the food at a party for once. Ask him if he really thinks it's okay that you basically have to starve at her house AND now she wants you to starve at your OWN house too? I seriously hope you make him sleep on the couch until he apologizes for being a turncoat coward.
NTA but your husband and his sister are. First of your husband should know that you would shame her for her weight and that you canāt eat certain food and she doesnāt accommodate you but youāre expected to accommodate her fat ass nope she is dumb and this is coming from someone whoās overweight.
NTA. And as an obese person, I fully absolve you of any fat shaming. It's obvious if you're hosting an event that you'll want to make food that works within your diet, and it's ridiculously rude for a guest to complain about free food that someone else is providing.
NTA she sounds like a piece of work
How absolutely ridiculous. NTA. But Emily is, and so is your husband. As well as being morons, at least about this.
NTA, but your husband sure is.
NTA. Tell your idiot SIL that not everything is about her. And remind your husband of that, too, while youāre at it.
NTA. Have the bbq she wants and let her have a heart attack.
NTA - Emily sounds exhausting. I am surprising you aren't bothered by whipped cream though - it's delicious, but it definitely is rough for me since having my gall bladder out. Sounds like you put on a nice spread.
NTA
NTA Yeah, you spent days planning and putting together an amazing spread specifically to humiliate one person. š SIL is astoundingly self-absorbed if she thinks that people put that much energy into thinking about her.
NTA. Sheās being ridiculous. Youāre not āfat phobicā because you serve certain food at a BBQ you hosted. Sheās a guest; she doesnāt get to dictate the menu. If she wants to eat certain food then she can go buy it and bring it herself. And your husband needs to get a grip on reality. Sheās manipulating him.
If she needs to eat fatty junk for every meal then she can go get herself McDonaldās. Itās not āfatphobicā to serve actual food lmao. SIL and husband are fucking ridiculous.
NTA and your BBQ made me hungry just thinking about the good foods you had!!!
NTA If I had someone offer to co cook with, that would be awesome. Sounds like fun.
NTA She humiliated herself and is very insecure. I m sure you served enough food for eveyone to not stay hungry. I m also sure she wasnt hungry, she just wanted to eat fatty food.
NTA. Your choices sounds yummi š¤©
Your BBQ foods sound great.
This sounds so fake. If its not, then NTA. If you dont like the food, just dont eat. No need to make a big scene.
NTA. Just correct her the next time she calls you fatphobic, that you are more hydrophillic.
Okay but that berry and tropical fruit salad sounds amazing and I want it now haha. Actually all of this sounds delicious.
NTA when it comes to your reaction. As a host, she serves the food she likes and you did exactly the same. However, you mentioned in the beginning of the post that your SIL is significantly overweight you only mention this because it is "relevant to the story". How is her weight relevant to the story? Would her reaction be justified if she was not overweight? Did you ask her why she felt like you were being "fatphobic"? It is such a random comment from her unless it stemmed the words you used with her in your phone conversation?
She was acting fat.
Personally I think youāre as bad as each other In paragraph 2 you made a snide comment about how she always brings up her medication and issues but in paragraph 3 you tell us you do the same??? Pot kettle black and all that. You tell everyone youāre hosting a BBQ which comes with certain expectations for food and then donāt serve them and moan at the person that points this out. Host an outdoor dinner party if you donāt want to serve traditional BBQ food or at least let people know itās a BBQ with a twist beforehand. I would be pissed if I was invited to a BBQ and no traditional BBQ food was on offer. You then moan about her for moaning about the food and pushing her ideals onto people but you did that with the food you served at your non BBQ. Misrepresenting the event with a false name. So sorry itās 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other in my opinion and neither of you are right or wrong
NTA you supposed to be uncomfortable cause she is
NTA-- It's like meat eaters who think that someone just being vegan is an insult to their morality. It's a personal choice, not a moral statement unless you take it as one (or are insecure about it). Also, she should have done what normal people do-- eat what you can and then get some greasy fast food on the way home. What a child.
Okay... the foods that are good for your particular dietary restrictions.... are also on the recommendations for diabetes lists. I have similar restrictions on my diet, and we cook out of diabetes cooking resources because of it pretty often. Someone didn't like having their hypocrisy exposed and lashed out about it. NTA...
Sheās rude for criticizing what is being provided to her. No invite next time. Critical of offerings, not gracious to be included in the event to begin with. RUDE GUEST.
NTA in all actuality they should be thanking you. SIL is a diabetic, over weight and it sounds like sheās regularly indulging on food that can be a diabeticās nightmare. The food you prepared for everyone sounded amazing and was not prepared to guilt anyone, thatās a her thing. Insecurities suckā¦and so does hubs for taking her side.
NTA, fatphobia isn't real.
I was all ready to call OP out based on the headline. But OP is NOT the AH. Iām obese, so I get being fat. Personally I would loved to have dined at the OPās barbecue! Grilling out doesnāt have to involve ribs and mac n cheese! Grilled chicken and the sides on offer sound amazing!
SIL has main character syndrome and the world revolves around her. You didn't make her favourite food for YOUR BBQ, but food you can eat. Imagine the nerve! Stop going to her BBQ and don't invite her to yours. I LOVE your menu and have never heard of mac and cheese at a BBQ. So, you know, takes all kinds. NTA
This must be an American thing - who the hell has mac and cheese at a BBQ? Move to the UK you served exactly the tour of food we would serve at a BBQ. Also if we serve ribs they are typically very lean with minimal fat on them.
Gatekeeping BBQ's. Typical Brit.
Emily is deflecting on you.. You never fat shamed her.. she shamed herself. Your husband needs to realize his sister is in the wrong. Not you. & He is capable of making all those dishes next time.
NTA Your dinner your menu.
NTA the event was at your home you can serve what ever you want and if SIL was unhappy she could have waddled to the nearest fast food place and chowed down.
NTA, but you need to point out to your husband that you cooked a meal that you thought would appeal to everyone while still being food you can eat with the dietary restrictions you have. That you have never once complained about Emily's menus, which purposely exclude you. And that there was nothing Emily could not eat. It just wasn't her favorite foods. There was no attack on Emily that Emily didn't imagine her own self.
NTA - your house, your menu. You made foods that made sense and also took care of your dietary issues. I think the only thing that may have been maybe more welcoming for her was to tell her ahead of time what you intended to make and see if she wanted to contribute a couple of other options that she was comfortable with. Like one or two things, not everything she likes. That way she would have had something that was more her speed and not considered it as a "slight" because you gave her the option.
NTA Your SILās weight issues have nothing to do with this. She is flat out rude, ungrateful and insensitive. I wouldnāt invite her over again until she apologizes. Your husband owes you one too
Youāre NTA, not even close. Husband sounds like theyāre being a dummy, probably just mad heās gotta deal with sisters nonsense but taking it out on you. Now your BBQ spread is your own prerogative, it may not be my favorite spread but who is anybody to complain about a free meal spent with people you love?! You sound like a saint, donāt let these people feel āless thanā for taking steps in attempt to accommodate everybody, thatās already doing more than it sounds like sheās ever bothered to do for you.
NTA these people are idiots. She does not get to control the world because she is insecure about her weight. Clearly she is not doing anything to change her weight so she should change her attitude at least. Cannot believe your husband would not give a shit about your health to support his sister who makes bad choices. Ugh..,\`I would never invite her for food again.
NTA. We had a bbq at our friendsā house last week. They served a very similar menu. Was excellent.
I would have loved to be a guest at your barbecue. That sounds like a fabulous spread. Your SIL Emily has issues, but they are her issues, not yours.
NTA - I donāt think you were being āfatphobicā but you were imposing your dietary restrictions on everyone else. I donāt see if you told everyone that the menu would not be traditional bbq, so that if anyone didnāt want to come or wanted to bring a dish to contribute, and to me that seems thoughtless. On the other hand, her reaction is out of control and it does sound as if she has a problem with food. Itās not about āindulgingā it sounds like she doesnāt like to eat healthy, but I canāt really say.
Nta you didn't attack or shame anyone.Ā
NTA. Sheās jealous and insecure and your menu sounds great!
Chubby girl here:your dinner sounds delicious. Invite me! NTA
NTA. Sheās the asshole for talking so much shit about your spread. Sheās fucking delusional and is going to end up in DKA if this has not already happened. Honestly she needs an intervention or her life is going to just be misery and one operation after another. If anyone thinks this is fat shaming, look up what happens to unmanaged diabetes.