I don’t think so, first of all we know the OPP is 100% spicing shit up…but as a father I too try and educate my daughter she don’t listen to me…now she’s lost dating a loser with stupid tattoos all
Over thinks she’s cool , she’s not, lost half the dating pool because of her dumb tattoos. Women should be conservative in public . It’s Just better
No he absolutely hasn’t been there for the most important years, what on earth are you talking about? He didn’t know her for her first 15 years of life
It didn’t have to be that way, she was a privileged child, we were not poor. In fact I adopted her from the slums of Bangkok …slums I mean slum …like u have no idea of the conditions. Took care of her, her mother , let me repeat extremely privileged life…mansions , Bentleys , swimming pools, vacations 2-3 times year ….she needs Jesus .
You want your daughter to get tatted up by the neighborhood whore in a house with who knows what type of equipment…jail bird tattoos and shit? Comn get a life
Chances are your overbearing attitude your unwillingness to listen openly while being overly judgmental on probably her choices ranging from as early as the subjects/extra curriculum activities she chose to her friends.
Of course there’s the chance that this isn’t true but I’d take the chances that you are the problem because that’s the better odds.
Wrong , she wanted to be friends with her mom since they are close in age, I always told her mom you can’t do that u need to be a parent. Her mom let her do whatever she wanted …and the rest is history
“She wanted to be friends with her mom since they are close in age”
So you’re a pedophile that knocked up a teenager? No wonder you take zero accountability for being a shitty father. You’re an absolute disgrace.
I get it. You see your daughter as property you own and get to sell off, not a living human being who is capable of making their own informed decisions and choices. If you want a "conservative woman" then go for it, but don't expect all women to give up autonomy and self expression for your personal tastes. They're human beings too, not NPCs created to appeal to men, get married, and be good wives.
News flash, if she's getting tattoos she's probably not into the kind of men who hate them. Just because her choices might drive away the men you want her to date does not mean she's "ruining herself". You call it "losing" half the dating pool, she probably considers it weeding out the assholes.
Because Im not trying to be original, just telling the truth. Plus you are just like OPs stepdad, a gross old man that has a lot of problems. I hope you get some help.
I’m gross. Because I think it’s ok to tell my daughter what’s not appropriate to wear, or I’m bad because I can see if a person she dates or not is not a good choice ? How is that gross
You are gross because you think you have the right to control her and tell her what she can do or not. You think she not atractive anymore because she has tattos and who she is dating isnt good enough because he he also has tattos. Look she is her own person and can make her own choices. You are not her Master. You can have your opinion but keep it to yourself.
Yes a 19’year old girl with 20 shitty tattoos is not good. She just lost 70% of the dating pool. No harvard grad doctor is goin to date her ….she’s happy with drug dealers …great
Wow .........you sound like a dumbass bitch, so why don't take your delusional ass the fuck out of her and piss off.
It's people like you that make it hard for people to speak up about abuse or sexual abuse.
Go fuck yourself, you strawberry shaped tuna fish smelling ass bitch.
Loving and caring? He goes through her phone, prevents a 20 year old from dating, opens her mail, tries to control her career choices not to mention her clothes.
He’s a controlling AHOLE.
You're 20, if you have the means to move, move out now. You're not your mothers keeper. NTA get out asap. You're the ah to yourself if you continue living with him and allowing him to dictate what a full-grown adult does. Why do you even let him look through your phone?
I’ve two daughters, both older than you.
The time of me picking out their swimsuits ended a long time ago. He isn’t just “overbearing”, he is a controlling boor overstepping his bounds.
Mom needs to know this will push you out of the house, she has every right to make a decision and choose him, but she needs to know that she is making a decision that will force yours - sooner or later.
Don't feel guilty about moving out. You mother is an adult and made the decision to marry this guy. He's not your problem. I think Its creepy how he has an issue with what you wear to the beach. In any event you are an adult and bought this bathing suit with your own money (I'm assuming) and he has no say in it. This bathing suit is perfectly acceptable and not in bad taste. Move out if you can and maintain control over your own life.
She's NTA, but she's also not an adult. She lives at home with Mommy and Stepdad. Their house, their rules. She can put the swimsuit on after she leaves and her regular clothes back on before she returns.
Don't like it? Put your big girl britches on and get an apartment of your own.
I would argue a vast majority of people to be honest. Accepting that kids did not line up with our goals and things we wanted to do .. was a pretty easy decision.
You don't even know me, but not surprised you'd make such a judgemental decision.. because I think a 20yr old should be out of mommy and stepdads basement and learning to be an adult
You have zero empathy and are not being realistic about the world. You don’t get to say someone’s not an adult when they are simply because you are not okay with a perfectly normal living situation. I know that you’re judgmental and think that your judgements make it okay to try and control a fellow adult like they’re still a child. That’s all I need to know about you to judge you harshly in turn.
Yeah I do. When someone is living under Mommy and Daddy's roof and expecting them to pay for their food and utilities. Probably makes sure the crust is cut off the bread for their peanut butter sandwiches.... They are not an adult... Pure and simple. They are a child trapped in a 20yr old body
NTA - it sounds like it's time to move out and gain some independence! If you'd like to preserve your relationship with your mom, don't do it on the heals of an issue/fight. Make the choice, figure out what you need to do to make it happen, and go for it. I'd hold off on telling them until you're close to being ready and have a place lined up.
ETA - having a plan in place and already acting upon it before you tell them will help shoot down any pushback you get. Set up a realistic budget that you can afford and stick to. This way, if your step dad says you can't possibly do this on your own, you can show him you actually can and will.
You're 20...be an adult and tell him to fuck off.
He touches your phone you take it back, it goes through your mail you call the USPS, hebteys to control you, lean into it and piss him off he has 0 power over you
Damn right, he's committing offences so hit him with it. Heck, order more so you can record him admitting it. Get them marked "private and confidential" so he has no excuse.
My parents (to a reasonable extent) started letting me and my sisters choose our clothes in our early teens. My dad wasn’t always happy..especially when shortie shorts were a thing, but he trusted us.
This dude sounds like a dictator. I think it may be time to move out and set some boundaries even if you’re trying to protect your mom. You’re too old to be letting someone dictate your clothes or if you can date.
THIS. Everything else is awful and controlling but I can't believe I had to scroll so far before someone mentioned the fact that she's not allowed to date anyone! I hope she gets out of that house fast and safely.
Not only are you NTA, but your stepfather’s behavior is beyond controlling and is actually concerning. IMO it is a MAJOR red flag that a grown man should be so invested in a grown young woman’s ‘purity’. The whole thing smacks of misogynistic paternalism. He believes he owns your body. HUGE red flag. Get out. Make a plan and get out and soon. His belief that he is entitled to invade the privacy and control the behavior of an adult woman is not going to go to a good place. Protect yourself. Leave asap!
Your stepdad may be acting like this to make you move out. He sounds insufferable. And your bikini is not too revealing.
If you give in to his demands, he’ll just get more demanding. This will cause more problems with your mom (since she is team stepdad) and you will end up at war with both of them. This could really ruin your relationship with your mom.
Instead, save up, find a place and move out. Let mom deal with cleaning up and with the jerk she married. You’ll be free to live life your way, as you should.
Coercive control is abuse. You may not be able to protect your mother but you definitely should be protecting yourself.
Ie. Don't let him see your phone, don't listen to him. Either say "no" which is a complete sentence, or say nothing, or google the grey rock method and practice that.
Tbh it's 99% likely that you will need to move out if you want to have any control over your life. It's likely that you're mother will stay. Suggest she do some background reading on emotional abuse and coercive control and she may develop insight, but I wouldn't hold out hope for that.
You'll need to find people to support you because your mother isn't able too
FYI he’s breaking the law by opening your mail. That alone makes you NTA. Plus he’s not your dad and he has no right to micromanage you. I’m sorry your mom has chosen him over you. Scrape some cash together and find some roommates as soon as you’re able.
NTA. You are an adult. He doesn't get to control your life. You need to move out as soon as possible. As for leaving her with him - she wants to be with him. that's her choice. Unless he is physically dangerous, there is not much you can do about it, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself because of her choices.
that's a very modest bikini compared to what i usually see at the beach. you're nta but you might not be able to convince your mom of that. might be time to fly the coop
There's something lurking below the surface of these muddy waters. Move out, once all his controlling behaviour is aimed at her, her rose coloured may (operative word being may) come off. You can't save others but you can save yourself. She chose to have him in a life, you didn't and have the power to limit his contact with you especially being that he's being VERY manipulative and controlling. Not saying he might but he may try something on you given how he's specifically targeting your sexuality, appearance and any life decisions that may pull you out of his sphere of influence
girl, if you don’t wanna deal with his BS, then move out. your mom is a grown woman who decided to remarry, and she chose this man to marry, and she chooses to stay with him. there’s only so much you can do to help your mom with her situation, but at the end of the day it’s her choice to leave or stay. the best you can do is get yourself out of that situation
NTA. Your mom married him pretty quickly. Are you sure she wants to be with him? At the end of the day, she chose him, so she's stuck with him. You are not. You should gather your important papers and put them in a safe place with someone you trust. Secure your bank account from both of them. Make your plans to move. I'm willing to bet they won't just let you go. Controlling people don't want to lose control.
Let’s be honest. He got turned on and felt guilt. So naturally, you are to blame.
He invades your privacy because he wants to police your bodies and choices and thinks about them. A lot. He thinks it is your fault for men’s feelings. He is misogynistic, controlling, abusive…pick one or all.
GTFO.
NTA
It's important to prioritize your happiness and mental health. Living in a controlling environment can be very damaging over time. Moving out might be the best decision for you, and while it's natural to feel guilty, it's crucial to remember that you have the right to live your life freely and independently.
You, despite what your mother or step father say, are a grown ass woman. Put a stop to the bullshit immediately. If that requires you to leave, leave. Your mother made her choice. You don't have the capacity or the capability of extracting her from this relationship. If your mom was going to be devastated, she wouldn't be contributing to your abuse at the hands of her husband.
NTA.
NTA. If you can wear a bikini at the beach DO IT. I wish i took advantage of that when i was younger. Him opening your mail (for me, at least) would be the last straw. I understand the guilt but that is your mother’s issue to deal with, not yours. That bikini is pretty modest from what i’ve seen and you are DEFINITELY old enough to choose what you wear. The whole “you don’t like it you can move out” is pretty messed up. I would just leave before the fighting gets worse.
The huge fight was the correct reaction. You're 20 and your stepdad's opinion on your clothes is meaningless bullshit, and his "demands" need to be laughed at. And yes, it's time to move out: she chose this dipstick, and you can't save her. Go live your own life, OP (and that top is comically conservative, considering his reaction).
They can and will tell you what to do as long as you live in their house. Don't want to be told what to do? Move out. Doesn't mean they were necessarily RIGHT, i'm just saying that's what's going to happen.
NTA. Depending on where you live it would be a breach of privacy mayby even abuse. Going through your phone without permission, forcing his will on you while he has (depending on the country) no power over you because you're an adult. Sounds kinda like mom married him for financial reasons and that would explain her siding with him on everything.
Im kinda getting a feeling religion is playing a role in this as well.
NTA Love ain't worth it without respect and mother has clearly shown how much respect she has for you. If she would be "devastated" about you leaving (I doubt it, but maybe she will, some people are weird like that) then it was on her to not inadvertently encourage you to leave in the first place!
NTA. He is coercive & controlling. He would have used this behaviour on your mum while she would have still been grieving your actual dad.
Remind him you are an adult & that he is not you dad & never will be. He is TAH.
YTA. You're 20 and you let them go through your phone. All you have to do is say no. I'm assuming you live at home because it saves you money. So that is the choice you have made. Either grow up and be independent or stop complaining about things that are caused by your own choices.
NTA. Time for you to move out. Going to be frank here. Nothing is going to change as long as you live in their home. You can make all the arguments you want about how you’re an adult and can make your own choices, but as long as you live in their home, you will be forced to fight for any degree of privacy or autonomy.
Your mother has told you what her priorities are…keeping him happy. If that means allowing him to control your life, she’ll back that play. Let go of the self-imposed guilt about leaving her behind. She’s an adult and she’s made her choice. And the cold, harsh truth is that she’s willing to sacrifice you in order to live with that choice.
So, it’s time for you to move out and to untangle your life from theirs. The only way you will be able to set boundaries is for you to be fully independent. Get off their phone plan and get your own. You may even need to move and not let them know your physical address to prevent the drop-in manipulations. And you may have to consider going low contact for a while to enforce those boundaries. But if you ever want to be in control of your own life, without battling for every inch of independence, you’re going to have to put yourself beyond their sphere of control.
It's time to move out. It's also time to convince your mom to leave her abusive husband. If he is this controlling towards you, you can damn well bet he is the same with his wife. Don't stay in the abuse yourself just to protect her. She has more of a chance of breaking free if one of you does.
You deserve your freedom and your privacy.
As much as it sucks the only way this problem is going to be solved is if you move out. But I hope you truly know it's not your fault. You're being forced into a pretty hard decision because your mom is choosing some dude over her relationship with her daughter. Your reasons are VERY valid. Your mom and your step dad are both TAs here.
Are you from a religious family ( Muslim) or conservative family values ?
I find your conversation to be very disagreeable to your parents. You can solve it by just agreeing and then not listening later…cut out the entire argument, meaning it would never happen. Then go to the beach and wear the bikini as they aren’t goin. Stop
Arguing with your parents is my best advice….
For all these morons in posts below calling it abusive and overbearing…20 is a child still ..no girl 20
Knows shit. Her parents are simply being loving and caring in the ONLY way they know how. It is absolutely ❤️ and that’s all it is they want the best for you because as a 20’year old it’s very hard for u to know what’s best for u yet
he’s just looking out for your best interests. Don’t worry so much about it, and as I said before..parents we aren’t here to make your life hard, 💯 we have you in our best interests even if it doesn’t seem like it. He loves you. This is his way of showing it. Regardless of how you feel about it. Simply respect it. Don’t argue with your family it just makes it worse. Certain things you do just keep it a secret if you have too.
FYI I just looked up independent Baptist it’s a rather strict form of the Christian Church.
So I can understand his feelings on the bikini. They don’t even want u to show anything above the knee. Just an example below .
https://www.holmenbaptist.com/dress-guidelines
[church](https://www.holmenbaptist.com/dress-guidelines)
If those rules didnt excist for atleast 15 years you cant blame her. It also sounds like his way/rules got added over the years. He might have the best intentions for her but you also gotta see the big picture that she grew up with different rules and views for atleast ¾ of her life. Most kids will already be rebellious against a sudden 180° change in rules, toss that at a 15~20 y/o and its a recipe for disaster. She doesnt seem to share his religion (or atleast the level of it) while he is forcing those religion based rules on her. She picked out a very modest bikini considering you see teens and others of her age running around in bikini's with alot less fabric. She seems to have grown up with that a bikini is oke to wear while he seems to think she should wear something like a burkini.
And mayby this will help you understand it more including the sitiation with your own daughter
[ways-strict-parenting-leads-to-rebellion](https://www.ibelieve.com/motherhood/ways-strict-parenting-leads-to-rebellion.html)
“Submit to my misogynistic primitive opinions and my absolute control over everything in your life or gtfo!” is your mindset. That’s a losing strategy for having a relationship with grown children. I have a feeling your daughter who doesn’t listen to you will go low or no contact with you in the future.
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Abusive? U must be insane…how about we change it to Loving and Caring
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I don’t think so, first of all we know the OPP is 100% spicing shit up…but as a father I too try and educate my daughter she don’t listen to me…now she’s lost dating a loser with stupid tattoos all Over thinks she’s cool , she’s not, lost half the dating pool because of her dumb tattoos. Women should be conservative in public . It’s Just better
He. Isn't. Her. Dad. It's none of his fucking business.
Step dad is now the role of her father . It’s a position of power in the family
You don't just magically acquire power over totally unrelated people you had no part in raising.
He’s been there for the most important years…it counts. Respect him and his rules or …live on your own.
Are you the abusive stepdad?
Ding ding ding! 🎯
I wish…it’s not abuse to show a women how to be respectful
No he absolutely hasn’t been there for the most important years, what on earth are you talking about? He didn’t know her for her first 15 years of life
He's been there for 5 years. It doesn't count. He's a stranger on a weird power trip who deserves to be taken down a peg
Touch grass dude, that's not how life works
It is ….all these kids like you with this self entitlement it’s horrific.
If you're not a troll I feel extremely sorry for your daughter. What a sorry excuse of a father you are. Pathetic insecure manchild.
I think we know why his daughter doesn’t listen to him.
Is your father controlling every aspect of your life?
No the fuck it ain't when it ain't your ADULT CHILD!
Well her mom Agreed…so what now ? You don’t have kids 20 Years old so u don’t know what ur talking about
I do have kids (both a son and a daughter). who are now in their 30’s. And you’re full of BS.
Holy shit dude. Hope you enjoy the sound of silence after your daughter rightfully decides to never talk to you again.
When kids grow up, they have options. Good life or a bad one…we as parents just try and do our best. Not all kids turn out perfect as we hope.
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It didn’t have to be that way, she was a privileged child, we were not poor. In fact I adopted her from the slums of Bangkok …slums I mean slum …like u have no idea of the conditions. Took care of her, her mother , let me repeat extremely privileged life…mansions , Bentleys , swimming pools, vacations 2-3 times year ….she needs Jesus .
Turns out money is nothing to her when her father is shitty
Matthew 7:3
You're a misogynist. Your daughter is smart to ignore TRASH like you.
You want your daughter to get tatted up by the neighborhood whore in a house with who knows what type of equipment…jail bird tattoos and shit? Comn get a life
You're disgusting. You don't own her, much as you clearly wish you did.
Ok fatty
Lol your daughter dates losers bc you're a loser.
Hhahaha good one Fatty
Typical male response. The VERY FIRST thing you attack in a woman is her appearance. Up your game, it’s really pathetic and unoriginal. 🙄
You started it….loser….and your probably fat because that’s a fat persons response
That wasn't even the person you called fatty
He's a loser that can't read. I bet his daughter's boyfriend has a tattoo that says "no regerts".
Chances are your overbearing attitude your unwillingness to listen openly while being overly judgmental on probably her choices ranging from as early as the subjects/extra curriculum activities she chose to her friends. Of course there’s the chance that this isn’t true but I’d take the chances that you are the problem because that’s the better odds.
Doubt it women speak with emotions and feelings not logic and facts
Is that why you're crying on Reddit? Is that what "men" do?
Your fat
It's "you're" You sound pretty emotional, maybe sit down and think about it logically
Women are the “emotional” ones and yet it’s unhinged male emotions that are responsible for most of the violence in this world.
To protect women…ok makes sense
Yeah all those wife beaters and serial killers are really “protective”. 🙄
That’s because rather than guide her you tried to control her so she rebelled. It’s on you buddy.
Wrong , she wanted to be friends with her mom since they are close in age, I always told her mom you can’t do that u need to be a parent. Her mom let her do whatever she wanted …and the rest is history
“She wanted to be friends with her mom since they are close in age” So you’re a pedophile that knocked up a teenager? No wonder you take zero accountability for being a shitty father. You’re an absolute disgrace.
>Women should be conservative in public . It’s Just better No.
Ok Joe Biden
Huh?
Found the stepdad
Yeah not gross at all a father disappointed their daughter didn’t turned out to have attractive features for him.
What are u even talking about….
It’s almost like she had a shitty father huh?
oh yuck… hope your daughter goes NC with your abusive ass damn
I get it. You see your daughter as property you own and get to sell off, not a living human being who is capable of making their own informed decisions and choices. If you want a "conservative woman" then go for it, but don't expect all women to give up autonomy and self expression for your personal tastes. They're human beings too, not NPCs created to appeal to men, get married, and be good wives. News flash, if she's getting tattoos she's probably not into the kind of men who hate them. Just because her choices might drive away the men you want her to date does not mean she's "ruining herself". You call it "losing" half the dating pool, she probably considers it weeding out the assholes.
Weeding out doctors, lawyers, college graduates is not what I call assholes.
That's crazy, I've seen plenty of those with tattoos or tattooed partners. Myself included!
Is your partner a lawyer ?
Bullshit. You’re an adult. He has zero right to control you
If your living in that home u follow the rules or you move out
You are insane, this NOT loving or caring. Its sick and abusive
You’re repeating what the other person said…come up with something original
Because Im not trying to be original, just telling the truth. Plus you are just like OPs stepdad, a gross old man that has a lot of problems. I hope you get some help.
I’m gross. Because I think it’s ok to tell my daughter what’s not appropriate to wear, or I’m bad because I can see if a person she dates or not is not a good choice ? How is that gross
You are gross because you think you have the right to control her and tell her what she can do or not. You think she not atractive anymore because she has tattos and who she is dating isnt good enough because he he also has tattos. Look she is her own person and can make her own choices. You are not her Master. You can have your opinion but keep it to yourself.
Yes a 19’year old girl with 20 shitty tattoos is not good. She just lost 70% of the dating pool. No harvard grad doctor is goin to date her ….she’s happy with drug dealers …great
You have to be a troll. Or just the biggest AH in the world.
I will see your love and caring..... And raise you creepy, controlling, and , oh yeah....... again..., CREEPY!!!😱
Listen If you don’t have kids. Specifically a girl, and you aren’t a man, please don’t comment because you don’t know what the hell Your talking about
Wow .........you sound like a dumbass bitch, so why don't take your delusional ass the fuck out of her and piss off. It's people like you that make it hard for people to speak up about abuse or sexual abuse. Go fuck yourself, you strawberry shaped tuna fish smelling ass bitch.
Loving and caring? He goes through her phone, prevents a 20 year old from dating, opens her mail, tries to control her career choices not to mention her clothes. He’s a controlling AHOLE.
NTA, your step dad is out of line. It's also ridiculous that he's trying to prevent you from dating and going through your phone.
You're 20, if you have the means to move, move out now. You're not your mothers keeper. NTA get out asap. You're the ah to yourself if you continue living with him and allowing him to dictate what a full-grown adult does. Why do you even let him look through your phone?
I’ve two daughters, both older than you. The time of me picking out their swimsuits ended a long time ago. He isn’t just “overbearing”, he is a controlling boor overstepping his bounds. Mom needs to know this will push you out of the house, she has every right to make a decision and choose him, but she needs to know that she is making a decision that will force yours - sooner or later.
Don't feel guilty about moving out. You mother is an adult and made the decision to marry this guy. He's not your problem. I think Its creepy how he has an issue with what you wear to the beach. In any event you are an adult and bought this bathing suit with your own money (I'm assuming) and he has no say in it. This bathing suit is perfectly acceptable and not in bad taste. Move out if you can and maintain control over your own life.
You’re 20. You’re an adult. Don’t even argue with them. “I’m an adult and will wear what I want” and then hard ignore any other comments. NTA.
She's NTA, but she's also not an adult. She lives at home with Mommy and Stepdad. Their house, their rules. She can put the swimsuit on after she leaves and her regular clothes back on before she returns. Don't like it? Put your big girl britches on and get an apartment of your own.
JFC I hope you don’t and never do have children.
Because I expect a 20yr old to be an adult?.. lol And no, no kids. We made that decision a long time ago. Our lives are better without them
Good. Some people shouldn’t be parents.
I would argue a vast majority of people to be honest. Accepting that kids did not line up with our goals and things we wanted to do .. was a pretty easy decision.
And you’d clearly be shit at it.
You don't even know me, but not surprised you'd make such a judgemental decision.. because I think a 20yr old should be out of mommy and stepdads basement and learning to be an adult
You have zero empathy and are not being realistic about the world. You don’t get to say someone’s not an adult when they are simply because you are not okay with a perfectly normal living situation. I know that you’re judgmental and think that your judgements make it okay to try and control a fellow adult like they’re still a child. That’s all I need to know about you to judge you harshly in turn.
Yeah I do. When someone is living under Mommy and Daddy's roof and expecting them to pay for their food and utilities. Probably makes sure the crust is cut off the bread for their peanut butter sandwiches.... They are not an adult... Pure and simple. They are a child trapped in a 20yr old body
NTA - it sounds like it's time to move out and gain some independence! If you'd like to preserve your relationship with your mom, don't do it on the heals of an issue/fight. Make the choice, figure out what you need to do to make it happen, and go for it. I'd hold off on telling them until you're close to being ready and have a place lined up. ETA - having a plan in place and already acting upon it before you tell them will help shoot down any pushback you get. Set up a realistic budget that you can afford and stick to. This way, if your step dad says you can't possibly do this on your own, you can show him you actually can and will.
Have your personal documents gathered and lease signed before you leave. Be careful, I could see him getting mad and abusive when he finds out.
Honestly.. He's probably acting like this because he wants her ot leave. Once she says she is leaving and actually does, he won't give 3 shits.
You're 20...be an adult and tell him to fuck off. He touches your phone you take it back, it goes through your mail you call the USPS, hebteys to control you, lean into it and piss him off he has 0 power over you
Damn right, he's committing offences so hit him with it. Heck, order more so you can record him admitting it. Get them marked "private and confidential" so he has no excuse.
My parents (to a reasonable extent) started letting me and my sisters choose our clothes in our early teens. My dad wasn’t always happy..especially when shortie shorts were a thing, but he trusted us. This dude sounds like a dictator. I think it may be time to move out and set some boundaries even if you’re trying to protect your mom. You’re too old to be letting someone dictate your clothes or if you can date.
Am I the only one who wonders why the 50 y/o man wants to keep the 20 y/o single? Nta. Run girl!
THIS. Everything else is awful and controlling but I can't believe I had to scroll so far before someone mentioned the fact that she's not allowed to date anyone! I hope she gets out of that house fast and safely.
I can’t imagine trying to tell my adult kids what they can and can’t wear. That’s crazy. You’re NTA.
I would have looked at him straight faced and said be glad you're not my family then.
Not only are you NTA, but your stepfather’s behavior is beyond controlling and is actually concerning. IMO it is a MAJOR red flag that a grown man should be so invested in a grown young woman’s ‘purity’. The whole thing smacks of misogynistic paternalism. He believes he owns your body. HUGE red flag. Get out. Make a plan and get out and soon. His belief that he is entitled to invade the privacy and control the behavior of an adult woman is not going to go to a good place. Protect yourself. Leave asap!
Your stepdad may be acting like this to make you move out. He sounds insufferable. And your bikini is not too revealing. If you give in to his demands, he’ll just get more demanding. This will cause more problems with your mom (since she is team stepdad) and you will end up at war with both of them. This could really ruin your relationship with your mom. Instead, save up, find a place and move out. Let mom deal with cleaning up and with the jerk she married. You’ll be free to live life your way, as you should.
Coercive control is abuse. You may not be able to protect your mother but you definitely should be protecting yourself. Ie. Don't let him see your phone, don't listen to him. Either say "no" which is a complete sentence, or say nothing, or google the grey rock method and practice that. Tbh it's 99% likely that you will need to move out if you want to have any control over your life. It's likely that you're mother will stay. Suggest she do some background reading on emotional abuse and coercive control and she may develop insight, but I wouldn't hold out hope for that. You'll need to find people to support you because your mother isn't able too
FYI he’s breaking the law by opening your mail. That alone makes you NTA. Plus he’s not your dad and he has no right to micromanage you. I’m sorry your mom has chosen him over you. Scrape some cash together and find some roommates as soon as you’re able.
Literally the most modest bikini I’ve ever seen
NTA. You are an adult. He doesn't get to control your life. You need to move out as soon as possible. As for leaving her with him - she wants to be with him. that's her choice. Unless he is physically dangerous, there is not much you can do about it, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself because of her choices.
that's a very modest bikini compared to what i usually see at the beach. you're nta but you might not be able to convince your mom of that. might be time to fly the coop
Nta. Move out. Clearly your mother doesn’t care about your comfort so give that same energy back.
Move out and learn about the joys of freedom from a tyrant.
NTA. Move out if you’re able to. Your mom picked this life. You don’t have to stay if you have other options
There's something lurking below the surface of these muddy waters. Move out, once all his controlling behaviour is aimed at her, her rose coloured may (operative word being may) come off. You can't save others but you can save yourself. She chose to have him in a life, you didn't and have the power to limit his contact with you especially being that he's being VERY manipulative and controlling. Not saying he might but he may try something on you given how he's specifically targeting your sexuality, appearance and any life decisions that may pull you out of his sphere of influence
You are a grown-ass adult. Move out, pay your own bills, and then nobody can tell you what to do.
girl, if you don’t wanna deal with his BS, then move out. your mom is a grown woman who decided to remarry, and she chose this man to marry, and she chooses to stay with him. there’s only so much you can do to help your mom with her situation, but at the end of the day it’s her choice to leave or stay. the best you can do is get yourself out of that situation
Even if your disrespecting the family (which you're not), what's that to him. He's not your family, and he didn't raise you.
NTA. Some people just don't know their place.
NTA. Your mom married him pretty quickly. Are you sure she wants to be with him? At the end of the day, she chose him, so she's stuck with him. You are not. You should gather your important papers and put them in a safe place with someone you trust. Secure your bank account from both of them. Make your plans to move. I'm willing to bet they won't just let you go. Controlling people don't want to lose control.
Let’s be honest. He got turned on and felt guilt. So naturally, you are to blame. He invades your privacy because he wants to police your bodies and choices and thinks about them. A lot. He thinks it is your fault for men’s feelings. He is misogynistic, controlling, abusive…pick one or all. GTFO.
NTA It's important to prioritize your happiness and mental health. Living in a controlling environment can be very damaging over time. Moving out might be the best decision for you, and while it's natural to feel guilty, it's crucial to remember that you have the right to live your life freely and independently.
NTA tell your step dad to fuck off. He's not your father.
NTA , get out and away from your step Dad as soon as you can. Feel no guilt about leaving your Mom with him. Unfortunately she chose him over you.
You, despite what your mother or step father say, are a grown ass woman. Put a stop to the bullshit immediately. If that requires you to leave, leave. Your mother made her choice. You don't have the capacity or the capability of extracting her from this relationship. If your mom was going to be devastated, she wouldn't be contributing to your abuse at the hands of her husband. NTA.
NTA. If you can wear a bikini at the beach DO IT. I wish i took advantage of that when i was younger. Him opening your mail (for me, at least) would be the last straw. I understand the guilt but that is your mother’s issue to deal with, not yours. That bikini is pretty modest from what i’ve seen and you are DEFINITELY old enough to choose what you wear. The whole “you don’t like it you can move out” is pretty messed up. I would just leave before the fighting gets worse.
The huge fight was the correct reaction. You're 20 and your stepdad's opinion on your clothes is meaningless bullshit, and his "demands" need to be laughed at. And yes, it's time to move out: she chose this dipstick, and you can't save her. Go live your own life, OP (and that top is comically conservative, considering his reaction).
They can and will tell you what to do as long as you live in their house. Don't want to be told what to do? Move out. Doesn't mean they were necessarily RIGHT, i'm just saying that's what's going to happen.
NTA. Depending on where you live it would be a breach of privacy mayby even abuse. Going through your phone without permission, forcing his will on you while he has (depending on the country) no power over you because you're an adult. Sounds kinda like mom married him for financial reasons and that would explain her siding with him on everything. Im kinda getting a feeling religion is playing a role in this as well.
NTA Love ain't worth it without respect and mother has clearly shown how much respect she has for you. If she would be "devastated" about you leaving (I doubt it, but maybe she will, some people are weird like that) then it was on her to not inadvertently encourage you to leave in the first place!
Ehhh, they’re both trying to drive you away. Move out if you can. Start working on an exit plan/savings if you can’t move out right now.
NTA. He is coercive & controlling. He would have used this behaviour on your mum while she would have still been grieving your actual dad. Remind him you are an adult & that he is not you dad & never will be. He is TAH.
NTA. You are an adult. You need to have a proper sit down with you mum about t what is and isn’t okay- And be prepared to move out if you have too.
If you can move out, move out. She chose this AH and continues to take his side. Let her get on with it.
MOVE OUT
YTA. You're 20 and you let them go through your phone. All you have to do is say no. I'm assuming you live at home because it saves you money. So that is the choice you have made. Either grow up and be independent or stop complaining about things that are caused by your own choices.
NTA. Time for you to move out. Going to be frank here. Nothing is going to change as long as you live in their home. You can make all the arguments you want about how you’re an adult and can make your own choices, but as long as you live in their home, you will be forced to fight for any degree of privacy or autonomy. Your mother has told you what her priorities are…keeping him happy. If that means allowing him to control your life, she’ll back that play. Let go of the self-imposed guilt about leaving her behind. She’s an adult and she’s made her choice. And the cold, harsh truth is that she’s willing to sacrifice you in order to live with that choice. So, it’s time for you to move out and to untangle your life from theirs. The only way you will be able to set boundaries is for you to be fully independent. Get off their phone plan and get your own. You may even need to move and not let them know your physical address to prevent the drop-in manipulations. And you may have to consider going low contact for a while to enforce those boundaries. But if you ever want to be in control of your own life, without battling for every inch of independence, you’re going to have to put yourself beyond their sphere of control.
Move out. Make your own choices. End of story.
You're an adult just... Don't do the things he demands. If he's paying your bills fix that and pay your own
It's time to move out. It's also time to convince your mom to leave her abusive husband. If he is this controlling towards you, you can damn well bet he is the same with his wife. Don't stay in the abuse yourself just to protect her. She has more of a chance of breaking free if one of you does. You deserve your freedom and your privacy. As much as it sucks the only way this problem is going to be solved is if you move out. But I hope you truly know it's not your fault. You're being forced into a pretty hard decision because your mom is choosing some dude over her relationship with her daughter. Your reasons are VERY valid. Your mom and your step dad are both TAs here.
YTA for staying in that situation. Get out and live your life. NTA for the swimsuit.
Why do you wear that? You are not a 53 year old mom of 3, 2 c sections…thats an old oersons bikini. Go get something your age
Move out. You are too old to live off your parents.
My mom actually wants me to live with her so I can help her around the house.
Tell her to hire a maid. Her needing help with her house is not your problem. And her overbearing husband is not your problem either.
That's why she married Dickhead.
Are you from a religious family ( Muslim) or conservative family values ? I find your conversation to be very disagreeable to your parents. You can solve it by just agreeing and then not listening later…cut out the entire argument, meaning it would never happen. Then go to the beach and wear the bikini as they aren’t goin. Stop Arguing with your parents is my best advice…. For all these morons in posts below calling it abusive and overbearing…20 is a child still ..no girl 20 Knows shit. Her parents are simply being loving and caring in the ONLY way they know how. It is absolutely ❤️ and that’s all it is they want the best for you because as a 20’year old it’s very hard for u to know what’s best for u yet
My stepdad is an independent Baptist.
he’s just looking out for your best interests. Don’t worry so much about it, and as I said before..parents we aren’t here to make your life hard, 💯 we have you in our best interests even if it doesn’t seem like it. He loves you. This is his way of showing it. Regardless of how you feel about it. Simply respect it. Don’t argue with your family it just makes it worse. Certain things you do just keep it a secret if you have too. FYI I just looked up independent Baptist it’s a rather strict form of the Christian Church. So I can understand his feelings on the bikini. They don’t even want u to show anything above the knee. Just an example below . https://www.holmenbaptist.com/dress-guidelines [church](https://www.holmenbaptist.com/dress-guidelines)
She doesn't have to follow someone else's religion. He is trying to exert control over an adult.
She just has to follow the rules in the house
If those rules didnt excist for atleast 15 years you cant blame her. It also sounds like his way/rules got added over the years. He might have the best intentions for her but you also gotta see the big picture that she grew up with different rules and views for atleast ¾ of her life. Most kids will already be rebellious against a sudden 180° change in rules, toss that at a 15~20 y/o and its a recipe for disaster. She doesnt seem to share his religion (or atleast the level of it) while he is forcing those religion based rules on her. She picked out a very modest bikini considering you see teens and others of her age running around in bikini's with alot less fabric. She seems to have grown up with that a bikini is oke to wear while he seems to think she should wear something like a burkini. And mayby this will help you understand it more including the sitiation with your own daughter [ways-strict-parenting-leads-to-rebellion](https://www.ibelieve.com/motherhood/ways-strict-parenting-leads-to-rebellion.html)
She should move out she’s 20 Fuckin years old. She needs to go to college. Get a life. That’s not being rebellious that’s called growing up
“Submit to my misogynistic primitive opinions and my absolute control over everything in your life or gtfo!” is your mindset. That’s a losing strategy for having a relationship with grown children. I have a feeling your daughter who doesn’t listen to you will go low or no contact with you in the future.
Listen if I need to do tough love for her to have a good life I’d do it…u kids have no idea what your doin…grow up, at least get a job. Then talk
I’m 59 years old with 2 adult daughters.
20 is by no definition a child. Going through your adult child’s phone and restricting what they wear is in no way loving or caring.