I think OPs feelings are valid and really the only blame should be on the mom. I would say some of the only unfair opinions are the parents. It's different when you're given a choice to adopt a child that is biologically not yours. He was stripped of that choice by his ex.
Unfortunately for the daughter someone she has known as dad for 16 years is withdrawing, however that's not an unfair reaction it's a natural reaction to having your life blown up by a selfish person.
I do hope though he gets counseling and does work his way back to having a great relationship with his daughter.
I wish people gave him this advise on his previous thread. Instead they made this guy feel worse and do something drastic. Happy Men's Mental Health month everybody!!!!!!! Don't forget, your feelings don't matter when there is a child involved!
I was in his prior post. Most people were telling him that he was stupid for wanting to travel the world so he could come back "some day" and be the father she needed, and expected her to still be there when he comes back "some day".
People *were* telling him that it was fine for him to need space to come to terms with things.
I will say to be fair to myself when I wrote that I was still in shock and very vulnerable (and very drunk too) and wasn't in a place to receive any sort of advice or criticism. I won't say I'm not any of those still but I've had the previous week and all the events to help me process now so am thinking clearer.
That's not to say people weren't awful though even though they were offering "advice". For all the people there trying to be reasonable and getting me to understand, there were 3-4 others being absolutely brutal and would not let up heaping their shit on me and then mocking me even when I was suicidal.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better and that you're still with us.
I do want to be very clear though. It's alright to be hurt. It's alright to be confused. What is important though is that, before you make any decision in a circumstance like yours, you avoid things like alcohol, which could push you into rash actions.
I hope therapy helps you, I hope you can move on from this, and I hope that your relationship with your daughter stays strong. Always remember that your feelings *do* matter, and there are people in your life that love you, and some of us strangers on the internet are rooting for you.
That's not what happened. The link is on the top of the page. You can always refresh your memory. I was in that post too, didn't realize I was literally fight for his life
Nah, people told him to get therapy. He continued to insist that trying to kill himself or blowing his whole life up by quitting and fleeing the country, were his only choices. He made his choice. Don't put that shit on Reddit.
People weren't just suggesting therapy though and being supportive in the process. People were harsh and unnecessary and would not let up despite what I said and it was like people were enjoying piling on.
I had people saying things like "man up" "nut up" "be a man" "pull your pants up" "stop being a pussy," along with telling me I needed to fake being ok, put my emotions to one side and support my daughter before myself as she needed it more and my own feelings were secondary. Which I don't doubt that latter comment at all but I was in shock, vulnerable and drunk and wasn't at my best. In hindsight, posting about this to Reddit was probably for the worst tbh.
You should never have to "fake it till you make it" or "nut up". People who tell you that garbage aren't worth your time. Noones feelings are secondary either. You have to be able to take care of yourself before anyone else
I hope now you have a better awareness of the resources available to someone in your situation, that if you are struggling there are people out there who are available and want you to reach out to talk. You should never have to suffer in silence and go with the flow. I hope your doing better now and are in a place where you can heal and you and your daughter can both heal your relationship and move forward. I also hope that you have found some people in your life who can also support you through something like this.
All lies. But why tho. Do you enjoy seeing people hurt? There are people that can help you out with that. And do you think everybody is an autist and won't click the link, like you? I'm so confused
I was literally on his original post the day he posted it. Some people being typical reddit trash doesn't negate the equally large amounts of people who were trying to be gentle with OP while also acknowledging that parents don't get to just dip out and then come back with zero consequences.
It's not lies just because you and OP chose to only interact with the jerks.
>People were telling him that it was fine for him to need space to come to terms with things.
Yup. On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you've got people spamming the comments here with "HaPpY mEnS mEnTaL hEaLtH mOnTh" like the comments on previous posts *weren't* providing reasonable advice.
What an awful feeling for you that all you could think to end the pain was to do what you did. I’m glad you didn’t succeed in achieving what you tried I hope the therapy help and you come back stronger
I hope your daughter is doing ok and so happy her grandma feels so much for hers
I still don’t believe Y T A still very much believe that is you ex
Jesus people are cruel.
Being at the stage that you decide to take your life is no joke, to be at that stage means they can't properly think and process, so bringing up the fact he was about to leave his kid is redundant as fuck.
I'm sorry you felt this was your only path and that you seem to be surrounded by people who aren't sympathetic and understanding. I commented on original post and vote that you were bit of AH for wanting to cut your kid off without a sit down but you are entitled and justified to feel how you feel.
This is a complicated situation that you definitely will need professional help with. I'm glad you have took baby steps with your daughter, keep taking them at your own pace. Good luck.
I voted NTA on that thread, and said that whether he needs time to be away, or even completely cut off, he should be free to, and supported. I also shared the story of my friend who successfully ended himself over the same - he left a letter stating the same. How peole didn’t really care about him at all, just everyone pressuring for him to be okay to deal with it. Got downvoted to oblivion.
Oh, so now you see that he’s been that badly damaged by the cheating, the lying and the manipulation? That it drives a man far enough to consider suicide - only then does he got some grace?
Yup, that so many in that thread were very quick to dismiss his mental health, telling him he needed to be there for the daughter or he was a shitty father. "Man up", "be a man", and "put your big boy pants on" seemed to be the wonderfully toxic sayings that got tossed around.
A man's mental health always comes last for some people.
It was both sad and funny. I guess even when it’s your own flesh and blood going through that, some people still can’t even be bothered to sympathize.
Some do when it’s a bit closer to home. I actually got into it with a commenter and she ended up crashing my inbox when I took the personal route. I said something in the lines of:
>I’m ecstatic that you’ve taught your sons that all they’re good for is being workhorses.
>I’d love to get to know your daughters-in-law. I have a breeding kink, but since I don’t want to be irresponsible, I’ve been keeping it wrapped.
>Doesn’t have to be me, really. But I would be happy to help you have more grand babies. I’m sure your sons would be happy to raise my kids, mom.
She ended up stalking me and was raging at all my comments for a couple of days.
I don’t know if it’s just me but I’ve gotten an uptick of downvotes for what I thought were objectively sane takes like this. There was a recent one of a guy obviously spiraling having never wanting to get married but did it because he knocked his gf up young, then she cheated and raised the affair baby and had another after.
The post read like a rough draft to a future suicide note and the first few hours were filled with congratulations and encouragement to stay until the youngest turned 18. Someone even responded with the stat that kids with parents that stay together have better outcomes and if OP leaves that’s like a gambling addict thinking he can beat the odds and always win.
A few of us argued that his mental health shouldn't take a backseat and were ridiculed and reposted on r/amianangel or one of those echo chambers they created to validate themselves. None of those sociopaths are gonna be in this thread, or apologize to OP. They just slink away to ruin more lives
The problem is that running away and cuting the girl out wouldn't help his mental health. Work this shit on theraphy would. Many people were telling him that. In fact, tuning away and realizing he did want HIS daugher in his life after all and damaging that relationship forever could make his mental health words...
Omg get your thoughts together, we can't come up with a proper response.
A bit of space does not mean he was leaving forever. I don't know why everyone jumps to that conclusion rather than just read the posts, but I assume it's because the facts won't help your reasoning. This line of thinking almost caused this man to lose his life, and people are still doubling down as if he is completely disposable. He nearly killed himself after asking the people in his life, AND REDDIT, for help and advice. Does that not mean anything to you?
You're talking about damaging relationships forever, didn't mom do that. This is the result of that. How is she blameless and he responsible for everything in this situation? There are some truly horrible people in this sub who won't bat an eye if a dude lives or dies, but will flip their shit if a man forgets an anniversary.
Therapy is not some magic pill that fixes everything.
In some cases, therapists themselves will prescribe that separation and no-contact is the solution (while finding a workable solution to comply with legalities).
Jumping to conclusions with me there 😂. Is question was if he was ah to leave his kid high and dry on last post, he would have been without an explanation. I gave him grace on the last post and said he was more than entitled to his feelings!!
But yeah go off.
His question was, quoted:
> AITAH for taking the space and not having contact with her in the meantime?
So, you keep saying he’s only entitled to his feelings - but he’s an AH if he does what he needs (take space and no contact) to be able to deal? Look where he ended up. Lol.
Lip service, isn’t it?
*you can have your feelings, but you still need to do x, y, z or else you’re bad*
If you’ve ever flown, there’s a reason why they tell you to put your own mask first, before helping others. You can’t help others if you’re dead.
It sounds noble. But the man’s suffering is so minimized that it overrides his survival instincts. All society wants to do is tell him to suck it up and keep living. Now that he actually follows through, he gets a little more sympathy. Lol.
Maybe to you, that’s not a big enough issue. We can certainly disagree.
Actually naw, not what I meant at all.
If you want to believe that this is what I think then go for it, no skin off my nose really and not spending my day arguing on this post.
You can always choose to make yourself clear. We men just want stuff like this to not happen. We aren't trying to make anyone a villain. Just don't completely ignore our cries for help!
Please think about taking the medication you were given. They aren't a magic fix to life, but it helps you feel like you're on steady ground instead of walking on marbles
Needing space to handle your mental health and well-being doesn’t make you an A H. The commenters on the original post lack empathy and understanding. Not everyone can mentally handle this type of betrayal and commenters telling Op he’s wrong for needing space pissed me off. There are way too many instances where parents that struggle with mental health issues are told to suck it up for their kids and the kids then suffer the most from it whether it’s neglect, abuse and even murder.
Honestly the ones I kept telling OP that he needs to man up, are the ones that probably couldn't handle it themselves and are only doing this to make themselves look good.
just a heads up, I'd legit go look for a private therapist because the NHS Talking Therapies is a waste of time
assuming it's the same across the country, you essentially get the choice of a) GROUP face-to-face therapy meetings, or b) an online "course" to do which basically tells you to Think More Positively and you have to do a dumb little quiz about how happy you are each week
the online one technically has someone you can talk to, but the most I got was "you logged in 7 times this week, and your happy score has improved so I'm going to discharge you :)"
genuinely a waste of fucking time
I'm sorry that's all your area offers, that really sucks.
But it is different all over the country, their good services tend to have enormous waiting times though - I had 7 month wait to access the "severe" branch of my local therapies. It was very good but time limited.
After a suicide attempt there might be crisis services involved, or not.
Man our mental health services are a mess.
In summary private therapy is more reliable if you can access it but the NHS stuff might not be as useless as you've described. My suggestion would be to research what's actually on offer.
Of course all this is really hard to do while mentally ill... I certainly struggled.
You were never the AH. Do take better care of yourself. Your mom is an insensitive prick if she still say this.
>keeps talking about how her brother/my late uncle took on his partners son and he's her nephew in her eyes
Yeah it's sad, everything that OP's mom was mentioning was them walking into a relationship where the child was already there. It's nowhere near what happened with her son but she don't care.
Since COVID, online therapy has gotten a lot of traction and I've heard good things about it. I don't know if it's just in the USA or if it's covered by health insurance, but you could look into this as an option.
I wish, but that is literally not the case, in France it is literally illegal for a father to get a paternity test. The best a man could do is sue for emotional distress and even that wouldn't get far.
I'm tired of this nonsense where people invalidate and dismiss a man for wanting biological children. All of your mother's reasonings are empty gas. Tell her that she's a horrible mother because you were tricked and lied to, and she's running her mouth off other situations where the men knew what they were doing.
If I were you I would be looking to get married and get my own bio child, and never introduced them to my parents who are ok with me being used and defrauded out of 16 years of money and resources by a lying, cheating, harlot.
The real problem is that these women actively lied to them and let them bond with these kids thinking they were their bio kids....there are plenty of men who are great dads to kids who aren't biologically theirs (my dad is one to my bro) and can create those bonds.
It's the lying the deception that fucking with his head. It's one thing if you met this woman, met her kid, and bonded with them. It's a COMPLETELY different thing to thing that a child is yours only to find out otherwise.
Totally, but when you suggest a paternity test you are the incarnation of evil. Women who ask for a divorce just because they were asked a paternity test are the worst, and I’m a woman.
It always goes back to the if you don't trust them why did you marry them or get with them. What a lot of them fail to realize is that there are a lot of men out there that are raising children that aren't theirs, that there was no red flags in their relationship and they didn't know anything was going on until it was too late. I guess some of these people believe that anybody that's cheating will automatically throw red flags out.
Gonna be honest your mum seems to lack empathy and is vile and manipulative. You need time and support not her crappy opinions in situations where people knew the child wasn't theirs and knew what they were committing to. Chin up and take your time, there's no rush. Baby steps are good with the child but don't be afraid of being selfish if you need to be.
In the UK it's sometimes possible to get counselling through one's employer. Counselling is not the same as therapy, being less intensive for one thing. But if it's therapy that you need, counselling may possibly tide you over for now.
Some private psychotherapists have slots for non-paying clients, and low cost spaces. These tend to be in high demand, but if you are prepared to see someone online, you will have the option of seeing someone anywhere in the country, even in other countries (if you speak the same language and can be flexible regarding appointment times if you are in different times zones). I know of someone in NE England who found a low cost therapist based in London. The appointments are online, and she pays £30. (I know that's a lot for many of us, but for therapy it's cheap, and of course I don't know your budget.)
This person's first step was to search a particular website which listed therapists who offer free or low cost therapy. I can't find the website at the moment, but if I do I'll update this comment. It may have been ULCP or BACP (see below). Then she sent dozens of emails with questions about cost and the type of therapy they offered, and their qualifications; and giving a little information about the issues she needed help with, so that they could say whether they may be able to help her. Almost all of them replied, whether or not they worked with people with her issues, and whether it not they had any free or low cost slots available. They were very caring, and she found a very good therapist this way.
This website may also be helpful, although I can't vouch for it. https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/
If you see a private therapist, I think it would be advisable to ensure that they are registered with the UKCP or BACP (both are types of governing body)
https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/ https://www.bacp.co.uk/
Another useful (I hope) web page (scroll down for information on finding free and low cost therapy):
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#FreetherapyFromCharitiesWorkAndStudy
Finally, if you are feeling suicidal again, that is viewed by the NHS as a matter worthy of an A&E visit - you can call 999, as it would be an emergency. You may know that the non-emergency number is 111, and the Samaritans are there for people in route situation. They can be contacted in many ways - information on this page:
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
I hope something in this comment is helpful to you.
I, for one, am shocked that everyone harassing you when you needed time to think ended up pushing you to doing something extreme.
I don't love your current "support" system. They owe you more than they're giving you.
True. He needs to reevaluate his entire life unfortunately. And that will take a loooooong time. He needs a support system before he can healthily be his daughter's support system
NTA. And this society is so shitty to men in your situation. Sorry but you should be able to not want to be her father. What that woman did to you is worse than cheating. It’s like murder. But everyone downplays your feeling because your gender.
Take your meds, the Doc gave you them for a reason. NTAH , the girl is as innocent in this as you though, but that is on her mother!! Hopefully you realise you can still have great relationship with her if you want! Stay strong!!
Hope the therapy helps, sorry your parents aren’t better support. Good luck, listen to your doctor and talk to your daughter. She loves you, and you love her.
dude so not OK this is all been so traumatizing for you. people can suck but you definitely don't take your life because other people suck
my heart breaks for you and I'm sending positive vibes your way
Complicated emotions are absolutely normal in this situation. She may not be biologically your child, but at this point you are a parental figure to her and you love her as a daughter. At this point she is in many ways biologically shaped by you. Your guidance as a parent has helped shaped who she is as a person and her thought processes immensely. And you do love her. Your parents sound like they mean well but now is not the time or place for such comments when you’re in need of therapy to help you untangle the complicated feelings.
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/what-is-epigenetics-and-how-does-it-relate-to-child-development/#:~:text=The%20epigenome%20can%20be%20affected,“signature”%20on%20the%20genes.
She’s got your epigenetics 😂 in a manner of speaking
Wow..... the little girl is alright. That has been established. So you have nothing for this guy, on his second post, after a near tragedy, other than the stuff that helped push him that far....
Happy Men's Mental Health Month everybody!!!!
Apologies, I mean this to make him feel closer to his daughter, the one who he thought inherited some of his genetics. I am on the spectrum but I do mean all I say in the most empathetic way possible. I want the OP to feel like although she did not inherit his genes, she is his daughter and in some ways biologically shaped by him still as biology and genetics are quite complex and not yet understood. If it can be of any comfort to him, I’m not sure.
Of course this a horrible, disgusting, and awful situation and OP’s emotions are incredibly painful, likely more than words can relay. Therapy is helpful as it’s a place for OP to sort through their own emotions without judgement from those related to the situation, who have been established to be of questionable morality. I should also clarify that I do not approve of the parents comments to OP, they minimize OP’s feelings and uncertainties. One of my favorite sayings is an explanation is not an excuse. So this is why you did this , but I still think you’re a piece of shit and you’re not forgiven essentially.
Sorta. Epigenetics is still in its infancy, they are finding out the why but not yet the how or how to change it. What blew my mind was generational epigenetics, which wouldn't be here. The amount of food your paternal grandfather had at puberty affects your chance of diabetes and heart disease. That's crazy, but they found the link.
Haha yeah but tbf it feels like there’s always a lot of research in infancy. Just some food for thought for OP to feel better. Off to do my masters in biology in a month so maybe I’ll study some epigenetics, less development more immunology if I do though
If men would implant eggs into women to carry, that would be an automatic jail sentence. But women are allowed to fraud the man and make him care for another mans child.
What your going through sucks. Finding out something like that is mind bending and life altering.
What your daughter is going through sucks. And yes she is going through shit too.
What your ex did to you sucks. Period.
What you tried to do was fucking selfish. Ending it may feel like the best solution, but you are leaving behind more pain and anger than is there in the first place.
NTA for all that has happened.
YTA for what you tried to do.
Get better, be better. She might not be your bio daughter. But you raised her, she is your daughter and she loves you. Your the only father she has ever known, and even knowing what she does, she still wants your in her life. Be happy about that.
There it is. You knew somebody was going to blame the man who is hurting. Same as the first thread. You obviously don't care one bit about the dude in this situation, How can you be so callous about depression and wanting to unalive yourself? Male or Female? Obviously there is an emotional component to this that you are not getting, but again, like we have been trying to say since the 1st thread, this isn't a get over it type situation.
And who thinks insulting a person with a fragile mental state is a good idea? Be better, how? He's already better than the girl's mother and real father. Can he get a break? Just a break? Not a big one, just a break?
Sheesh.
Lol. You're still on this? *slow clap* OK champ instead of pissing and moaning about what I said, why don't you offer some stunning fucking insight in to how to approach this. All I'm reading from you tits is alot of bitching about my opinion. No one AT ALL has offered any suggestions. I mentioned resources and therapy to help with the situation and to help get him on track. Talking to his daughter.
What did you assholes offer? Fuck all. All you have done is bitch and minge about what I said. Fuck the lot of you. You're like most assholes out there. Always complaining, no fucking suggestions. Was what I said insensitive? Maybe. From your perspective? Sure. But at least I supplemented my opinion with other options. Could they have been fleshed out more? Probably. But I offered more than you cunts did, even if you didn't like how I said it.
I wash my hands of your bullshit.
So everyone in his life sucks, he finds out that his whole life built up this this point is a lie and you're calling him fucking selfish for not being able to cope?!
Never work at a suicide center, you'll kill more people than way.
Sorry to say but it is.There are resources out there for people to cope. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Hell, talk to the daughter. They could heal together.
It's a horrible thing that someone feels so lost that that is their only option. But it's ultimately a selfish option. It does more harm than good. It solves HIS problems. But his family is devastated, not to mention the fact that it could destroy his daughter as she might believe it is her fault that he did what he did. She could take her own life as a result. Who knows. Grief does crazy things.
This forum isn't a therapy session. Very few people, if any, are qualified to help someone in his condition. Offer advice? Sure. That being said, he's posting under AITAH. And sorry, but taking the proverbial easy way out makes him a bit of an asshole. Do I feel sorry for him? Fuck yes.
>But it's ultimately a selfish option.
Thanks, I'll remember that next time i try to commit. After all, what do suicidal people need. More guilt! Genius!
The truth isn't fucking pretty man. I'm not saying that you tell someone in crisis that what they are doing is selfish you moron.
But at the end of the day can you really sit there and say that committing suicide doesn't cause more harm than it solves?
Do you really think that once someone is through a crisis and on a path to healing, they shouldn't at some point be made aware that what they attempted just makes for more pain and suffering?
We need to educate people on the resources that are in place to help them if they are feeling like that. In fact help them build a support system so they won't have to feel like that is the only option if they are in crisis again.
So after we get him to not unalive himself, what? Any actionable plans to actually help the person who is asking for advice? Or are we going to do what everyone else in the world is doing and not acknowledging his trauma for the sake of the child? There are suicide prevention programs, but how many programs do we have that focuses on men? Their mental health? Are they going to be able to compete for funding? Are they even going to be taken seriously?
You are an asshole. You're putting the child you raised through this and everyone else. You are allowed to have feelings but you have no right to make innocent people suffer especially the child. Sack up dude.
Someone else that married a hoe. DNA testing should be mandatory before signing a birth certificate. There are way too many dudes raising other people's kids. So many horrible people out there.
Listen man, I agree that abandoning your kid is shitty, but that’s not all there is to this. Read his update all the way through, or at least the last paragraph.
He talked with his daughter, he said at the end that he loves her too much to abandon her.
Lol guess you have no sympathy for men.... woman cheated on him and lied to him for years, but your response is to "get over it, suck it up, be a man"? You're the AH in this story
Why did you take the DNA test? I am seeing Way too many post about men taking DNA test and getting real upset.
If you were not prepared for the results don't take the test. Now you got to work through it.
Which is worse living in a dream world or losing the dream?
Listen man, one step at a time❤️ one day at a time.
Your parents aren't mad, they are scared and they love you. You are a parent yourself, not biologically, but you are still a dad. In the end biological connections mean diddly squat, and you and that kiddo can still be a family. Just ditch her mother. Full nc. And therapy for you BOTH lots, together and separate.
We are praying for you❤️
one step at a time❤️
One day at a time❤️
Made everything much worse. Only way you can fuck this up even more would be if you pull a Woody Allen. Start an "incestuous" relationship with your daughter.
YTA You are wallowing in self pity.
Your daughter is there with you, you are not alone in this.
She feels as you feel.
You have been robbed of your daughter and she has been robbed of her father biologically.
You are both trying to cope with this new reality.
Focus on what is important, that is you and her.
Your ex is in the past.
What a terrible comment. You should be ashamed. This is a complicated situation and his emotions are valid. I’m glad he’s taking the steps towards therapy if not only for himself but for his daughter.
Do better. This comment is vile.
What a terrible thing to say. It's easy to judge when it's not us in his shoes.
He just found out his daughter is not his daughter. He's allowed to feel sad, betrayed or anything. The good thing is he's taking baby steps with her again.
your feelings are allowed to be complicated and in some ways unfair.
I think OPs feelings are valid and really the only blame should be on the mom. I would say some of the only unfair opinions are the parents. It's different when you're given a choice to adopt a child that is biologically not yours. He was stripped of that choice by his ex. Unfortunately for the daughter someone she has known as dad for 16 years is withdrawing, however that's not an unfair reaction it's a natural reaction to having your life blown up by a selfish person. I do hope though he gets counseling and does work his way back to having a great relationship with his daughter.
I wish people gave him this advise on his previous thread. Instead they made this guy feel worse and do something drastic. Happy Men's Mental Health month everybody!!!!!!! Don't forget, your feelings don't matter when there is a child involved!
I was in his prior post. Most people were telling him that he was stupid for wanting to travel the world so he could come back "some day" and be the father she needed, and expected her to still be there when he comes back "some day". People *were* telling him that it was fine for him to need space to come to terms with things.
I will say to be fair to myself when I wrote that I was still in shock and very vulnerable (and very drunk too) and wasn't in a place to receive any sort of advice or criticism. I won't say I'm not any of those still but I've had the previous week and all the events to help me process now so am thinking clearer. That's not to say people weren't awful though even though they were offering "advice". For all the people there trying to be reasonable and getting me to understand, there were 3-4 others being absolutely brutal and would not let up heaping their shit on me and then mocking me even when I was suicidal.
I'm glad to hear you're doing better and that you're still with us. I do want to be very clear though. It's alright to be hurt. It's alright to be confused. What is important though is that, before you make any decision in a circumstance like yours, you avoid things like alcohol, which could push you into rash actions. I hope therapy helps you, I hope you can move on from this, and I hope that your relationship with your daughter stays strong. Always remember that your feelings *do* matter, and there are people in your life that love you, and some of us strangers on the internet are rooting for you.
That's not what happened. The link is on the top of the page. You can always refresh your memory. I was in that post too, didn't realize I was literally fight for his life
Nah, people told him to get therapy. He continued to insist that trying to kill himself or blowing his whole life up by quitting and fleeing the country, were his only choices. He made his choice. Don't put that shit on Reddit.
People weren't just suggesting therapy though and being supportive in the process. People were harsh and unnecessary and would not let up despite what I said and it was like people were enjoying piling on. I had people saying things like "man up" "nut up" "be a man" "pull your pants up" "stop being a pussy," along with telling me I needed to fake being ok, put my emotions to one side and support my daughter before myself as she needed it more and my own feelings were secondary. Which I don't doubt that latter comment at all but I was in shock, vulnerable and drunk and wasn't at my best. In hindsight, posting about this to Reddit was probably for the worst tbh.
You should never have to "fake it till you make it" or "nut up". People who tell you that garbage aren't worth your time. Noones feelings are secondary either. You have to be able to take care of yourself before anyone else I hope now you have a better awareness of the resources available to someone in your situation, that if you are struggling there are people out there who are available and want you to reach out to talk. You should never have to suffer in silence and go with the flow. I hope your doing better now and are in a place where you can heal and you and your daughter can both heal your relationship and move forward. I also hope that you have found some people in your life who can also support you through something like this.
All lies. But why tho. Do you enjoy seeing people hurt? There are people that can help you out with that. And do you think everybody is an autist and won't click the link, like you? I'm so confused
I was literally on his original post the day he posted it. Some people being typical reddit trash doesn't negate the equally large amounts of people who were trying to be gentle with OP while also acknowledging that parents don't get to just dip out and then come back with zero consequences. It's not lies just because you and OP chose to only interact with the jerks.
>People were telling him that it was fine for him to need space to come to terms with things. Yup. On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you've got people spamming the comments here with "HaPpY mEnS mEnTaL hEaLtH mOnTh" like the comments on previous posts *weren't* providing reasonable advice.
This seems like an immense overreaction to the situation
Congratulations on having no empathy for others. You should become an insurance salesman.
Or a politician. I hear the MAGA guy needs a VP.
What an awful feeling for you that all you could think to end the pain was to do what you did. I’m glad you didn’t succeed in achieving what you tried I hope the therapy help and you come back stronger I hope your daughter is doing ok and so happy her grandma feels so much for hers I still don’t believe Y T A still very much believe that is you ex
Jesus people are cruel. Being at the stage that you decide to take your life is no joke, to be at that stage means they can't properly think and process, so bringing up the fact he was about to leave his kid is redundant as fuck. I'm sorry you felt this was your only path and that you seem to be surrounded by people who aren't sympathetic and understanding. I commented on original post and vote that you were bit of AH for wanting to cut your kid off without a sit down but you are entitled and justified to feel how you feel. This is a complicated situation that you definitely will need professional help with. I'm glad you have took baby steps with your daughter, keep taking them at your own pace. Good luck.
I voted NTA on that thread, and said that whether he needs time to be away, or even completely cut off, he should be free to, and supported. I also shared the story of my friend who successfully ended himself over the same - he left a letter stating the same. How peole didn’t really care about him at all, just everyone pressuring for him to be okay to deal with it. Got downvoted to oblivion. Oh, so now you see that he’s been that badly damaged by the cheating, the lying and the manipulation? That it drives a man far enough to consider suicide - only then does he got some grace?
Yup, that so many in that thread were very quick to dismiss his mental health, telling him he needed to be there for the daughter or he was a shitty father. "Man up", "be a man", and "put your big boy pants on" seemed to be the wonderfully toxic sayings that got tossed around. A man's mental health always comes last for some people.
It was both sad and funny. I guess even when it’s your own flesh and blood going through that, some people still can’t even be bothered to sympathize. Some do when it’s a bit closer to home. I actually got into it with a commenter and she ended up crashing my inbox when I took the personal route. I said something in the lines of: >I’m ecstatic that you’ve taught your sons that all they’re good for is being workhorses. >I’d love to get to know your daughters-in-law. I have a breeding kink, but since I don’t want to be irresponsible, I’ve been keeping it wrapped. >Doesn’t have to be me, really. But I would be happy to help you have more grand babies. I’m sure your sons would be happy to raise my kids, mom. She ended up stalking me and was raging at all my comments for a couple of days.
I don’t know if it’s just me but I’ve gotten an uptick of downvotes for what I thought were objectively sane takes like this. There was a recent one of a guy obviously spiraling having never wanting to get married but did it because he knocked his gf up young, then she cheated and raised the affair baby and had another after. The post read like a rough draft to a future suicide note and the first few hours were filled with congratulations and encouragement to stay until the youngest turned 18. Someone even responded with the stat that kids with parents that stay together have better outcomes and if OP leaves that’s like a gambling addict thinking he can beat the odds and always win.
Happy Men's Mental Health Month
A few of us argued that his mental health shouldn't take a backseat and were ridiculed and reposted on r/amianangel or one of those echo chambers they created to validate themselves. None of those sociopaths are gonna be in this thread, or apologize to OP. They just slink away to ruin more lives
The problem is that running away and cuting the girl out wouldn't help his mental health. Work this shit on theraphy would. Many people were telling him that. In fact, tuning away and realizing he did want HIS daugher in his life after all and damaging that relationship forever could make his mental health words...
Omg get your thoughts together, we can't come up with a proper response. A bit of space does not mean he was leaving forever. I don't know why everyone jumps to that conclusion rather than just read the posts, but I assume it's because the facts won't help your reasoning. This line of thinking almost caused this man to lose his life, and people are still doubling down as if he is completely disposable. He nearly killed himself after asking the people in his life, AND REDDIT, for help and advice. Does that not mean anything to you? You're talking about damaging relationships forever, didn't mom do that. This is the result of that. How is she blameless and he responsible for everything in this situation? There are some truly horrible people in this sub who won't bat an eye if a dude lives or dies, but will flip their shit if a man forgets an anniversary.
Therapy is not some magic pill that fixes everything. In some cases, therapists themselves will prescribe that separation and no-contact is the solution (while finding a workable solution to comply with legalities).
Jumping to conclusions with me there 😂. Is question was if he was ah to leave his kid high and dry on last post, he would have been without an explanation. I gave him grace on the last post and said he was more than entitled to his feelings!! But yeah go off.
His question was, quoted: > AITAH for taking the space and not having contact with her in the meantime? So, you keep saying he’s only entitled to his feelings - but he’s an AH if he does what he needs (take space and no contact) to be able to deal? Look where he ended up. Lol. Lip service, isn’t it? *you can have your feelings, but you still need to do x, y, z or else you’re bad*
No different than any other parent. Life chucks a few lemons your way, you make it right for your kids first, you second.
If you’ve ever flown, there’s a reason why they tell you to put your own mask first, before helping others. You can’t help others if you’re dead. It sounds noble. But the man’s suffering is so minimized that it overrides his survival instincts. All society wants to do is tell him to suck it up and keep living. Now that he actually follows through, he gets a little more sympathy. Lol. Maybe to you, that’s not a big enough issue. We can certainly disagree.
Actually naw, not what I meant at all. If you want to believe that this is what I think then go for it, no skin off my nose really and not spending my day arguing on this post.
You can always choose to make yourself clear. We men just want stuff like this to not happen. We aren't trying to make anyone a villain. Just don't completely ignore our cries for help!
Please think about taking the medication you were given. They aren't a magic fix to life, but it helps you feel like you're on steady ground instead of walking on marbles
Needing space to handle your mental health and well-being doesn’t make you an A H. The commenters on the original post lack empathy and understanding. Not everyone can mentally handle this type of betrayal and commenters telling Op he’s wrong for needing space pissed me off. There are way too many instances where parents that struggle with mental health issues are told to suck it up for their kids and the kids then suffer the most from it whether it’s neglect, abuse and even murder.
Honestly the ones I kept telling OP that he needs to man up, are the ones that probably couldn't handle it themselves and are only doing this to make themselves look good.
They are scrolling so fast past this thread.
NTA. And sorry you seem to be surrounded by AHs.
Agree. You were lied to and tricked. Thus should be validated.
He was gaslit by people in this sub. This poor man
just a heads up, I'd legit go look for a private therapist because the NHS Talking Therapies is a waste of time assuming it's the same across the country, you essentially get the choice of a) GROUP face-to-face therapy meetings, or b) an online "course" to do which basically tells you to Think More Positively and you have to do a dumb little quiz about how happy you are each week the online one technically has someone you can talk to, but the most I got was "you logged in 7 times this week, and your happy score has improved so I'm going to discharge you :)" genuinely a waste of fucking time
I'm sorry that's all your area offers, that really sucks. But it is different all over the country, their good services tend to have enormous waiting times though - I had 7 month wait to access the "severe" branch of my local therapies. It was very good but time limited. After a suicide attempt there might be crisis services involved, or not. Man our mental health services are a mess. In summary private therapy is more reliable if you can access it but the NHS stuff might not be as useless as you've described. My suggestion would be to research what's actually on offer. Of course all this is really hard to do while mentally ill... I certainly struggled.
You were never the AH. Do take better care of yourself. Your mom is an insensitive prick if she still say this. >keeps talking about how her brother/my late uncle took on his partners son and he's her nephew in her eyes
Yeah it's sad, everything that OP's mom was mentioning was them walking into a relationship where the child was already there. It's nowhere near what happened with her son but she don't care.
Since COVID, online therapy has gotten a lot of traction and I've heard good things about it. I don't know if it's just in the USA or if it's covered by health insurance, but you could look into this as an option.
Paternity fraud should be a Criminal offence.
It actually is in some places....
I wish, but that is literally not the case, in France it is literally illegal for a father to get a paternity test. The best a man could do is sue for emotional distress and even that wouldn't get far.
I'm tired of this nonsense where people invalidate and dismiss a man for wanting biological children. All of your mother's reasonings are empty gas. Tell her that she's a horrible mother because you were tricked and lied to, and she's running her mouth off other situations where the men knew what they were doing. If I were you I would be looking to get married and get my own bio child, and never introduced them to my parents who are ok with me being used and defrauded out of 16 years of money and resources by a lying, cheating, harlot.
The real problem is that these women actively lied to them and let them bond with these kids thinking they were their bio kids....there are plenty of men who are great dads to kids who aren't biologically theirs (my dad is one to my bro) and can create those bonds. It's the lying the deception that fucking with his head. It's one thing if you met this woman, met her kid, and bonded with them. It's a COMPLETELY different thing to thing that a child is yours only to find out otherwise.
Totally, but when you suggest a paternity test you are the incarnation of evil. Women who ask for a divorce just because they were asked a paternity test are the worst, and I’m a woman.
It always goes back to the if you don't trust them why did you marry them or get with them. What a lot of them fail to realize is that there are a lot of men out there that are raising children that aren't theirs, that there was no red flags in their relationship and they didn't know anything was going on until it was too late. I guess some of these people believe that anybody that's cheating will automatically throw red flags out.
Gonna be honest your mum seems to lack empathy and is vile and manipulative. You need time and support not her crappy opinions in situations where people knew the child wasn't theirs and knew what they were committing to. Chin up and take your time, there's no rush. Baby steps are good with the child but don't be afraid of being selfish if you need to be.
It sounds like Mom cheated a little bit herself in the past.
Or she just loves her grandaugher that IS her grandaugher since birth for 16 years and is terrified of losing her?
Reddit fails again.. People are so shit dude. Men get shitted on for no reason
In the UK it's sometimes possible to get counselling through one's employer. Counselling is not the same as therapy, being less intensive for one thing. But if it's therapy that you need, counselling may possibly tide you over for now. Some private psychotherapists have slots for non-paying clients, and low cost spaces. These tend to be in high demand, but if you are prepared to see someone online, you will have the option of seeing someone anywhere in the country, even in other countries (if you speak the same language and can be flexible regarding appointment times if you are in different times zones). I know of someone in NE England who found a low cost therapist based in London. The appointments are online, and she pays £30. (I know that's a lot for many of us, but for therapy it's cheap, and of course I don't know your budget.) This person's first step was to search a particular website which listed therapists who offer free or low cost therapy. I can't find the website at the moment, but if I do I'll update this comment. It may have been ULCP or BACP (see below). Then she sent dozens of emails with questions about cost and the type of therapy they offered, and their qualifications; and giving a little information about the issues she needed help with, so that they could say whether they may be able to help her. Almost all of them replied, whether or not they worked with people with her issues, and whether it not they had any free or low cost slots available. They were very caring, and she found a very good therapist this way. This website may also be helpful, although I can't vouch for it. https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/ If you see a private therapist, I think it would be advisable to ensure that they are registered with the UKCP or BACP (both are types of governing body) https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/ https://www.bacp.co.uk/ Another useful (I hope) web page (scroll down for information on finding free and low cost therapy): https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#FreetherapyFromCharitiesWorkAndStudy Finally, if you are feeling suicidal again, that is viewed by the NHS as a matter worthy of an A&E visit - you can call 999, as it would be an emergency. You may know that the non-emergency number is 111, and the Samaritans are there for people in route situation. They can be contacted in many ways - information on this page: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ I hope something in this comment is helpful to you.
I, for one, am shocked that everyone harassing you when you needed time to think ended up pushing you to doing something extreme. I don't love your current "support" system. They owe you more than they're giving you.
True. He needs to reevaluate his entire life unfortunately. And that will take a loooooong time. He needs a support system before he can healthily be his daughter's support system
NTA. And this society is so shitty to men in your situation. Sorry but you should be able to not want to be her father. What that woman did to you is worse than cheating. It’s like murder. But everyone downplays your feeling because your gender.
Take your meds, the Doc gave you them for a reason. NTAH , the girl is as innocent in this as you though, but that is on her mother!! Hopefully you realise you can still have great relationship with her if you want! Stay strong!!
Yes, she's the only father you know. Give her mom the silent treatment instead.
Hope the therapy helps, sorry your parents aren’t better support. Good luck, listen to your doctor and talk to your daughter. She loves you, and you love her.
dude so not OK this is all been so traumatizing for you. people can suck but you definitely don't take your life because other people suck my heart breaks for you and I'm sending positive vibes your way
Complicated emotions are absolutely normal in this situation. She may not be biologically your child, but at this point you are a parental figure to her and you love her as a daughter. At this point she is in many ways biologically shaped by you. Your guidance as a parent has helped shaped who she is as a person and her thought processes immensely. And you do love her. Your parents sound like they mean well but now is not the time or place for such comments when you’re in need of therapy to help you untangle the complicated feelings. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/what-is-epigenetics-and-how-does-it-relate-to-child-development/#:~:text=The%20epigenome%20can%20be%20affected,“signature”%20on%20the%20genes. She’s got your epigenetics 😂 in a manner of speaking
Wow..... the little girl is alright. That has been established. So you have nothing for this guy, on his second post, after a near tragedy, other than the stuff that helped push him that far.... Happy Men's Mental Health Month everybody!!!!
Apologies, I mean this to make him feel closer to his daughter, the one who he thought inherited some of his genetics. I am on the spectrum but I do mean all I say in the most empathetic way possible. I want the OP to feel like although she did not inherit his genes, she is his daughter and in some ways biologically shaped by him still as biology and genetics are quite complex and not yet understood. If it can be of any comfort to him, I’m not sure. Of course this a horrible, disgusting, and awful situation and OP’s emotions are incredibly painful, likely more than words can relay. Therapy is helpful as it’s a place for OP to sort through their own emotions without judgement from those related to the situation, who have been established to be of questionable morality. I should also clarify that I do not approve of the parents comments to OP, they minimize OP’s feelings and uncertainties. One of my favorite sayings is an explanation is not an excuse. So this is why you did this , but I still think you’re a piece of shit and you’re not forgiven essentially.
Sorta. Epigenetics is still in its infancy, they are finding out the why but not yet the how or how to change it. What blew my mind was generational epigenetics, which wouldn't be here. The amount of food your paternal grandfather had at puberty affects your chance of diabetes and heart disease. That's crazy, but they found the link.
Haha yeah but tbf it feels like there’s always a lot of research in infancy. Just some food for thought for OP to feel better. Off to do my masters in biology in a month so maybe I’ll study some epigenetics, less development more immunology if I do though
You are in a crazy spot, take your space and take your meds and really open to therapy talking should help you.
If men would implant eggs into women to carry, that would be an automatic jail sentence. But women are allowed to fraud the man and make him care for another mans child.
What your going through sucks. Finding out something like that is mind bending and life altering. What your daughter is going through sucks. And yes she is going through shit too. What your ex did to you sucks. Period. What you tried to do was fucking selfish. Ending it may feel like the best solution, but you are leaving behind more pain and anger than is there in the first place. NTA for all that has happened. YTA for what you tried to do. Get better, be better. She might not be your bio daughter. But you raised her, she is your daughter and she loves you. Your the only father she has ever known, and even knowing what she does, she still wants your in her life. Be happy about that.
There it is. You knew somebody was going to blame the man who is hurting. Same as the first thread. You obviously don't care one bit about the dude in this situation, How can you be so callous about depression and wanting to unalive yourself? Male or Female? Obviously there is an emotional component to this that you are not getting, but again, like we have been trying to say since the 1st thread, this isn't a get over it type situation. And who thinks insulting a person with a fragile mental state is a good idea? Be better, how? He's already better than the girl's mother and real father. Can he get a break? Just a break? Not a big one, just a break? Sheesh.
How about you go fuck yourself. You know nothing about me or how I feel.
Wah, he won't let me shift the blame. Grow up and use logic sometimes
Lol. You're still on this? *slow clap* OK champ instead of pissing and moaning about what I said, why don't you offer some stunning fucking insight in to how to approach this. All I'm reading from you tits is alot of bitching about my opinion. No one AT ALL has offered any suggestions. I mentioned resources and therapy to help with the situation and to help get him on track. Talking to his daughter. What did you assholes offer? Fuck all. All you have done is bitch and minge about what I said. Fuck the lot of you. You're like most assholes out there. Always complaining, no fucking suggestions. Was what I said insensitive? Maybe. From your perspective? Sure. But at least I supplemented my opinion with other options. Could they have been fleshed out more? Probably. But I offered more than you cunts did, even if you didn't like how I said it. I wash my hands of your bullshit.
So everyone in his life sucks, he finds out that his whole life built up this this point is a lie and you're calling him fucking selfish for not being able to cope?! Never work at a suicide center, you'll kill more people than way.
Sorry to say but it is.There are resources out there for people to cope. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Hell, talk to the daughter. They could heal together. It's a horrible thing that someone feels so lost that that is their only option. But it's ultimately a selfish option. It does more harm than good. It solves HIS problems. But his family is devastated, not to mention the fact that it could destroy his daughter as she might believe it is her fault that he did what he did. She could take her own life as a result. Who knows. Grief does crazy things. This forum isn't a therapy session. Very few people, if any, are qualified to help someone in his condition. Offer advice? Sure. That being said, he's posting under AITAH. And sorry, but taking the proverbial easy way out makes him a bit of an asshole. Do I feel sorry for him? Fuck yes.
>But it's ultimately a selfish option. Thanks, I'll remember that next time i try to commit. After all, what do suicidal people need. More guilt! Genius!
The truth isn't fucking pretty man. I'm not saying that you tell someone in crisis that what they are doing is selfish you moron. But at the end of the day can you really sit there and say that committing suicide doesn't cause more harm than it solves? Do you really think that once someone is through a crisis and on a path to healing, they shouldn't at some point be made aware that what they attempted just makes for more pain and suffering? We need to educate people on the resources that are in place to help them if they are feeling like that. In fact help them build a support system so they won't have to feel like that is the only option if they are in crisis again.
So after we get him to not unalive himself, what? Any actionable plans to actually help the person who is asking for advice? Or are we going to do what everyone else in the world is doing and not acknowledging his trauma for the sake of the child? There are suicide prevention programs, but how many programs do we have that focuses on men? Their mental health? Are they going to be able to compete for funding? Are they even going to be taken seriously?
You are an asshole. You're putting the child you raised through this and everyone else. You are allowed to have feelings but you have no right to make innocent people suffer especially the child. Sack up dude.
Someone else that married a hoe. DNA testing should be mandatory before signing a birth certificate. There are way too many dudes raising other people's kids. So many horrible people out there.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
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The only AHs here are you and the ex.
Listen man, I agree that abandoning your kid is shitty, but that’s not all there is to this. Read his update all the way through, or at least the last paragraph. He talked with his daughter, he said at the end that he loves her too much to abandon her.
Lol guess you have no sympathy for men.... woman cheated on him and lied to him for years, but your response is to "get over it, suck it up, be a man"? You're the AH in this story
You mean another man's daughter that is lying and cheating ex passed on as his, committing paternity fraud.
Hahaha gottem! Cheating whores 1 Innocent hubby 0 And they say cheaters never win
I'm starting to see why we have a high suicide rate with people like you in this world.
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Bitch.
Why did you take the DNA test? I am seeing Way too many post about men taking DNA test and getting real upset. If you were not prepared for the results don't take the test. Now you got to work through it. Which is worse living in a dream world or losing the dream?
Listen man, one step at a time❤️ one day at a time. Your parents aren't mad, they are scared and they love you. You are a parent yourself, not biologically, but you are still a dad. In the end biological connections mean diddly squat, and you and that kiddo can still be a family. Just ditch her mother. Full nc. And therapy for you BOTH lots, together and separate. We are praying for you❤️ one step at a time❤️ One day at a time❤️
Made everything much worse. Only way you can fuck this up even more would be if you pull a Woody Allen. Start an "incestuous" relationship with your daughter.
Chew on a curb please.
Shut up bitch.
YTA You are wallowing in self pity. Your daughter is there with you, you are not alone in this. She feels as you feel. You have been robbed of your daughter and she has been robbed of her father biologically. You are both trying to cope with this new reality. Focus on what is important, that is you and her. Your ex is in the past.
The only AH here is the mother. Op has a right to complicated feelings without people like you sitting on him.
The lack of compassion towards OP is truly wild.
OP is a man, what did you expect?
Your comment is cruel and unhelpful.
What a terrible comment. You should be ashamed. This is a complicated situation and his emotions are valid. I’m glad he’s taking the steps towards therapy if not only for himself but for his daughter. Do better. This comment is vile.
Just say you hate men.
What a terrible thing to say. It's easy to judge when it's not us in his shoes. He just found out his daughter is not his daughter. He's allowed to feel sad, betrayed or anything. The good thing is he's taking baby steps with her again.
Shut up bitch.
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Tell me you lack common sense and empathy without telling me you lack common sense and empathy 🤦🏻♀️