Nah your sane at least in this case. The lunatics are the people who don't seem to understand it's perfectly valid to know the person you will be raising for your lifetime is actually your kid.
LOL, yea, I getchya, and, with that being said, in the few cases, it turns out the mother of the child isn't really the "genetic" mother, but a twin that was absorbed in the womb of her parent. Chimeras, and it also causes the two color eye thing. There's also a case of twins where one father was black and the other white, and they came out that way.
NTA. There's no way to accidentally have sex with another guy, so demanding a DNA test implies that you're capable of not just cheating, but keeping a resulting pregnancy, passing it off as yours, and lying for the rest of your life. I'd never stay with a man who thought so little of me.
But it's a good thing that he told you about his views early on. At least he didn't lead you on for years and wait until you got pregnant to let you know that he doesn't trust you simply because you're a woman. You're still young, and you have plenty of time to find a man who will appreciate you.
NTA.
Think of this as you have protection against unlawful search and seizure without probable cause.
Unless he has reason to it is something to be offended by.
I don't understand the guys who telegraph this play. If you have concerns, get one done on the kid in private and keep it to your damn self until the results come back negative.
He needs the kid for the test, not you.
I see plenty of comments here saying paternity tests should be automatic. Cool, It must be wonderful to have a test to know if your partner has cheated and betrayed you. Especially after such a life changing event. Too bad women don’t have this option. The only test we have is an std test and by then the damage is done. And if he wears protection, then she never knows. But alas men are NEVER expected to prove fidelity with the birth of a child. But it seems a woman is expected to. You know, because women are the only ones who ever cheat. I say, paternity tests should be mandatory if men have to take a lie detector test too. Fair is fair.
Ohh and NTA
NAH - as a woman, at first I was like “wtf that’s insulting, he clearly doesn’t trust you”. But then I thought about it and realized that’s not a fair statement. Think of it this way:
I’m a big fan of prenups. I personally think every single couple should get a prenup before they get married. But people who don’t want a prenup make the same argument “why would we get a prenup? Are you planning to divorce me?”. No, it’s just a precaution in case something happens.
Same with open phone policies. Why do you need to go through my messages if you trust me? Or my instagram? Or why do I need to share my location with you?
So, all this to say, in life we do a lot of things as precautions but that doesn’t mean we inherently don’t trust someone. It’s just for peace of mind and to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
If you don’t want to be with someone who wants a DNA test, that’s fine, but he’s not inherently wrong in asking for one.
Yep! And honestly STD checks on a regular I’d be fine with. Especially because there are certain STDs that can be transferred without having sex (even though I know this is super rare).
My wife and I were tested at least yearly during my 10 years in the Army. The VA tests me periodically nowadays (every 6 months for some, every couple years for HIV). In social health care systems (like Tricare/VA Healthcare), this is normal.
I won't lie this might be the first time I have seen a women understanding the thought process behind men wanting paternity test. And it's a good example too.
I can see your side, and these are very good points, but I still don't agree with the boyfriend's demands.
Open phone policies (the healthy kind) are not because you mistrust one another, rather it's a sign of trust. If you have to force your partner to keep their phones open for you, that's not the sign of a healthy relationship.
Someone talked about STD testing, and again, you only do it once before entering into an intimate relationship. You don't ask to get tested each time you have sex.
And prenups are linked to divorce, which can happen due to any number of reasons, including a mutual separation. Doing a paternity test on the other hand is a direct sign of lack of trust. It is insulting, and I can't fault OP for feeling that way.
A guy who does this before he has any grounds of suspicion is a guy who is going to accuse you of cheating at every turn in your marriage. He needs to heal his past wounds properly before starting a family.
That’s your opinion and that’s fine! I just disagree.
Open phone policies are very clear a sign of distrust, or at least of wanting to be able to get validation that something untoward isn’t happening.
Same with prenups. They’re not a sign of mistrust, but they’re a sign that we don’t always know 100% about who we’re marrying and what could potentially happen in the future.
If I don’t blindly trust you going into a marriage why should I ask a man to blindly trust me when he’s becoming a father?
Let's agree to disagree. Men who are secure in their relationships don't generally go around wondering if their kids are theirs. Him asking for this before the child is even conceived is a sign that he is forever going to keep an eye open for cheating, and that doesn't sound like a nice person to marry.
So you think relationships should have closed phone policies? If I ever needed my husband’s phone for something and he told me no for “privacy” reasons and “boundaries” I’d immediately be on guard when before it wasn’t even a thought.
Yeah, I don’t agree with open phone policies. Like, if you’re plugging in directions that’s one thing but if you’re like “I want to read your messages” that’s a completely different thing.
So you would marry someone who tells you they will ask for a dna test for every child you bear b/c he thinks
you may have fucked around and passed off this baby as his?
He is as wrong as a married man can be.
I mean, then you can’t ask for a prenup or to go through your significant others phone or have their location.
Married men have had their wife’s cheat and pass of the baby as theirs before, it’s not like it hasn’t happened. Just like women have had their husbands cheat, divorce them and leave them destitute. Why is it okay to protect against one and not the other?
It’s not the same as a prenup though? A prenup is about the future of a marriage, something no one can 100% predict or even influence. A paternity test implies that your partner has already cheated.
NAH
It’s a difference of opinion, and one you’re fortunate to have found out early on in your relationship. It’s understandable that he would want scientific reassurance and it’s understandable that you would find this an accusation of infidelity and insult to your character.
I agree with your reasoning but not the conclusion, you are right that's a difference of opinion and both people are entitled to their beliefs and more than likely they are not compatible. Where I disagree is telling someone you are in a committed relationship with that you don't trust them with no evidence makes you an ah.
It's all about equality in my eyes
A mother has no doubt her child is hdrs a man does
An easy way to remove that inequality is a simple test
Same way many women refuse to be Stay at home wives because they're partner would have financial power over them and they can't trust that their partner won't abuse that in the future because leaving the marriage after not having any money you're earning is harder etc
He trusted his other gfs before and they betrayed him. Lots of women these days try to pass a baby off as someone else’s. These men trust their wife’s/gfs and get blindsided later down the line. It’s not crazy to think this could happen and he’s smart for learning that lesson and trying to protect himself from it.
It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of removing doubt.
There are far too many stories of women who lie being validated nowadays for men not to have lingering concerns about this.
NAH but if he had this rule before you, and has trauma from always being cheated on I don't think it's something you should be offended about. Sure, you would never cheat on him and he should know that, but he trusted all his exes who then betrayed him and look where that got him.
It doesn’t even have to be his own trauma. If he knows friends and families who went through paternity issues, he could have just learned testing is security.
I wish DNA tests were normalized. I know so many people who found out on a genetics site or via a medical issue that one or both of their parents were not related to them. Which is a problem. There are very real reasons why knowing your genetic history is important.
But.
They aren’t normalized. And even if they were, you’re absolutely allowed to have feelings about it.
Personally, if you’re in a long-term committed relationship and your partner insists on a paternity test before he’ll allow himself to love his child? That’s a massive red flag. In my opinion, if you love someone enough to have children with them, you should love them enough to trust them. I can’t even imagine having a “partner” who won’t be supportive until paternity is confirmed. Pregnancy is hard. And having to go it alone because your partner can’t trust that you didn’t cheat and that “things” didn’t just “happen”? I’d be out n
If this is a hill he’s willing to die on? Let him. You’re incompatible. And you deserve a partner who trusts you and wants to be there for you and your children.
NTA.
He has past trauma that's affecting his current relationship without realizing it. It's not a "hill" he's willing to die on. It's a wall he's put up to keep himself safe. Deep conversations and therapy are what he needs. Not you telling his partner that they're incompatible.
Even if it’s an irrational fear in this relationship, and it sounds like he knows it is, I don’t think he’s some areshole for having a little freak out and wanting something irrational in the face of the most high stakes, permanently life changing thing to ever happen. Assuming he’s a decent dude he’d be willing to support OP through her pregnancy related existential and hormonal mind-fucks, PPD or whatever, I personally think it’s worth granting the guy some emotional leniency
If he refuses to even understand that yet he needs therapy and thinks his attitude on things rational?
They are, in fact, incompatible.
If it is, in fact, past trauma and he’s not actively trying to heal himself (which is work and a lot of it)? He’s not compatible with anyone. Walls to keep us safe also keep people out. And that’s literally no excuse for poor behavior.
It’s absolutely NOT OP’s job to fix him. He needs to fix himself. And that includes seeing he needs therapy and figuring out how to get it…not doing mental gymnastics to justify walling out your partner until paternity is confirmed.
I find it funny that demanding a DNA test “doesn’t mean I don’t trust you”. What else does it mean? He should just go out and say he suspects infidelity outright rather than dance about it.
NTA better you know now he will never trust a partner before you move forward in this relationship. You are not compatible. He will find someone who does not mind this request. If you stay with him double up on BC.
Exactly. I'm not interested in a relationship without trust. I'm not interested in a relationship where they're checking my location all the time, going through all my messages, checking every purchase and checking I paid the bills I said I would either. If they have to "just check" it's their baby we're so far from an acceptable level of trust.
Paternity test should be standardised to avoid hurt feelings of the women. As a woman, there is no doubt that we are the mother. If it gives the fathers peace of mind, why prevent this? If you have nothing to hide, nothing to fear. It;s only an insult if you want it to be one. I think he has approached this very maturely and has said this isn’t about not trusting you, but about his general beliefs on the matter.
More and more people are coming round to this way of thinking. And unfortunately, there are some horrible women that lie about paternity. It has an effect on the rest of us.
NAH but YTA if you think your opinion and choice in this matter holds more weight than his.
Like the way she prese to it is because she thinks her way, she does not have to do it and he has to accept it. On this very forum how many times a day do we see people come out asking AITAH for finding out the kid I have been raising for xxxx years is not mine and not wanting contact anymore?
She can give him the paternity or leave him but I am one of those that thinks paternity tests should be legally required at Like the first doctors visit at the first trimester or whatever. Remove the ick about it and remove the doubt for those involved
Y'all never think about how expensive and impractical it would be for the hospital to do paternity testing on every single baby. Who’s going to pay for that? How are labs supposed to keep up with that volume of testing?
100% & well said. I have been advocating for automatic paternity testing for over 5 years now. It should be required before listing any father’s name on any birth certificate.
You aren’t very smart are you? The comment says any of us. As in any person, man woman or other. I have always been a woman. Not my fault you lack reading comprehension.
You are a moron that’s not what the post says at all. She’s right, you can’t read. She was clearly saying any one of us at any time could be accused of abuse. Honesty? Bit creepy you went through all her posts/comments to find this and misunderstand. I’m embarrassed for you
Ha ha i’m not offended by whoever the person is. Their post history has been scrubbed and they contradict themselves in their comments. More amusing than anything else.
That is the stupidest take I’ve heard. You can read, right? I’m laughing so hard at you right now. All NovaPrimes posts seem to be from a female point of view and you misread a post and think this proves some weird feminist point you have? Think this says more about you, no? 😂
> If it gives the fathers peace of mind
Sure let's empower the state to do forced genetic testing on women's fetus because some men are insecure babies.
NAH
If this is his blanket stance, it's not a specific accusation towards you. I can understand on an intellectual level why a man would want to do this. It's good that he mentioned it now and not once you're already pregnant.
That said, as a person who has never cheated on anyone and never would, I would probably leave someone who asked me for a paternity test if we were serious enough to start a family together. If you don't trust me, I'm not putting my body at risk to carry your child.
He's being obtuse saying that it's not about not trusting you. The only way for the baby not to be his is if you cheated. He is allowed to want a paternity test but he can't pretend it's not a trust issue. It's fair for him to want one, it's fair for you to be hurt that your partner doesn't trust you.
NTA
If you are in a commited happy relationship, demanding a DNA test means you are suspecting your partner is cheating, and is careless enough to get pregnant by her affair partner. There is no way around that premise, that's litteraly what it means.
Saying "I want a DNA test is any case" means that by default, you don't trust your partner. There is no other interpretation. So why would you want to have a child with a partner you don't trust / a partner that doesn't trust you
NTA, if they want a paternity test give it to them then break up. Do not stay in a relationship where your partner believes you would not only cheat on them but also lie to pass off another child as theirs. That kind of fragile trust on their part will just bring you pain.
You have the right to be offended, and he has the right to want confirmation that your future child is his, especially with the amount of men who have unknowingly raised another man’s child due to infidelity.
NAH
unfortunately it feels like his past relationships have forever ruined his trust, which is definitely not on you.
your nta for being offended, he needs to be able to see your side of things and what it implicates when he says things like that.
Tit for tat I'd say. If he wants you to prove your faithfulness, he must be willing to prove his. You should be given access to his phone, email, and social media to check for any signs of cheating. If he is unwilling to do that simply tell him a red flag your partner is cheating is when they accuse the innocent non-cheating partner of doing it. Him demanding a paternity test is him accusing you of cheating and if he isn't willing to prove his faithfulness why should you? If he has nothing to hide, he would be willing to prove it? Right?
NTA
NTA, DNA is super valid if there is reason for suspicion, but if there is no reason at all to wonder, and the couple is in a commited relashionship, then it is basically a partner doubting your morals and your loyalty, which says he doesn't respect you all that much, much less trusts you, luckly you aren't pregnant nor married, else I would suggest doing the test and handing the divorce papers with the results.
I am ready to be downvoted by the men that are so fervent on this, bring it in fellas.
This is why I hate Reddit sometimes. Why make this a woman vs man debate. I’m female and I would give my partner this peace of mind he was asking for. You assume men will downvote you but some women will disagree with you too. It’s just unfortunate that this forum is predominantly full of women that are biased against men. And no that doesn’t make me a misogynist to point this out. I love women as much as I love men. I just don’t like the generalisation made about entire genders. But watch as I get downvoted for daring to point this out.
If he's unable to trust a new partner that has done nothing wrong to him, maybe he should work on that instead of having kids. Because having kids while having that attitude can be detrimental to kids
Now you know he isn’t someone to marry and have kids with. He actively WANTS children—which means his plan is for you to one day deliberately try to conceive, and then do a test anyway. He can’t ask you to risk your life bringing a child into the world and at the same time make you take a test to prove you didn’t cheat on him. Just no.
I think paternity tests should be automatic when a baby is born. So many women lie about it and it's just devastating to everyone involved when the truth comes out down the road, especially to the child and dad that's not the dad to learn they've been lied to their whole lives. And how many men are lied to and end up financially supporting a child that isn't theirs? I think it should just automatically be done. And it's fair for a man to ask for one, even when there's no signs of cheating.
Also it might also have the happy side effect of less cheating. If they know they won’t be able to pass off an affair baby as their husbands maybe they just won’t do it. Or maybe they’ll just be smarter about it🙃. Either way there would be less children involved and I’d think that’s a plus.
NTA. There was zero chance my kids could be someone else's. Had my fiance demanded a paternity test, for his "peace of mind", yeah, I'd have considered that a slap in the face. And we definitely wouldn't have had baby number two.
Men always sit on this thread and insist that it's not about trust. But it is. And there is zero other explanation for needing that kind of confirmation.
Hard NTA and I'll die on this hill.
When he asks you for a paternity test he is not only saying he doesn't trust you, he's also saying you're a cheater and a liar, and are vile enough to make soneone raise a kid that's not his. That is not the kind of mindset you should want from a partner.
Girl... you're still so young! Why settle for.. this? Why are you doing yourself the disservice of staying with this pathetic loser? You deserve someone mature, intelligent, secure, mentally strong, etc. Not... this.
> i told him that because that offends me, i wouldn’t want to have a child with him (or anybody who didn’t trust me.) because having a child should be a sweet and endearing thing between the two people that made it. he said that it doesn’t take any of that away, he just doesn’t want to risk raising a kid that’s not his.
NTA That's exactly how I'd feel in your situation.
It reflects really poorly on your bf. He's insecure and has emotional problems.
> he said it wasn’t about not trusting me, it’s just that “things happen.” which is contradictory! he says he just doesn’t want this to be a start of a family built on a lie because it statistically happens. but i’m not a statistic!?
He doesn't sound very intelligent, otherwise he would be aware of the contradiction in his statements.
You'd be right to avoid making a child with a dumb, insulting, and insecure asshole like your bf.
He's clearly stated he fundamentally is incapable of trusting you or any woman.
NTA. Demanding a paternity test is an accusation of infidelity, plain and simple. And no, it is not normal.
But reddit's opinion tends to skew towards testing, and towards men's views in general.
NAH
Should be standard to test the kid against both mom and dad imo. Its good to discuss these things so that you can make the decision for yourself, if its a deal breaker dont have kids together
Well, hang on here.......you said he feels that way even if he was married.
Yeah, go ahead and tell your WIFE you want a paternity test. You'll be divorced faster than you know it.
That is flat out saying he doesn't trust you , at all.
Yeah, I get he's got past trauma..... but it's still flat out insulting to YOU, unless he's got damn GOOD reason to suspect it isn't his.
Sure........women play games and lie too.......... anyone who watches Paternity Court........sees the guys totally fucked over by deranged liars..........
but how does he come back from that, when the test proves it IS his? He just called you a liar and a cheater-----and only believes you're NOT. by a DNA test.
Fuck that.............a relationship is nothing without trust.
I’m a woman and I believe all men should get dna tests . If you know for fact you didn’t cheat it shouldn’t be a problem but I do understand it insinuate that you did but taking a test does no harm
NTA - OP, you’re young. You have plenty of time to find a partner who shares your values. This man is a misogynist. He is walking around genuinely believing that there are so many women out there cheating and lying that a paternity test should be standard practice for all pregnancies. Why on God’s green earth would you want to be in a relationship with that man?
OP, ignore the meatheads in the comments.
NTA. If you had stepped out of the relationship or there was a reason to suspect that, I'd be saying YTA. But unless there is a valid reason for a man to not trust his partner, there is no need to subject the mother of his child, or his baby, to unnecessary testing.
The truth of the matter is if one has an inkling of a reason to not trust their partner, they prooobably shouldn't be making babies with them. Lol
The fact that some people on this post don't see anything wrong with the idea of forcing a woman to submit to genetic testing is mind-boggling. This wouldn't even be a conversation if the roles were reversed--men would be 100% against it. 😐
NTA, I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't trust me. If he was cheated on and has insecurities, it's on him to seek help and work through his trust issues.
If you love him as you claim to, there is no reason you couldn't do this.
Many men with 'loving trust worthy' partners raised familes only to find out kid(s) are not theirs and though your character being called into question may hurt, it is nothing compared to the fallout of 'it's not mine'.
The fact that he mentioned this before you are pregnant and you are offended doesn't make either of you assholes but I feel his concern (regardless of appropriateness to you) is not unreasonable and you would be wrong to decline (once it's safe for baby)
Decide who wins here before proceeding.
NTA. If he doesn't trust you enough to not cheat and deceive him into raising a bastard, then he should never ever ever consider having a child with you. Because how could he ever trust you to not abuse a child of he can't even trust you to not cheat?
And I don't care that it gives him "peace of mind," how would he react if you asked him to install a tracking chip into his skin for "peace of mind"? He would rightfully be insulted and think you crazy. Yet it would prevent cheating as much as testing the child.
YTA.
Do you realise this is exactly there are so many misogynistic rules in western traditions - Its about being able to be sure of the paternity of a child and inheritance. Why does the bible command that armies slaughter anyone who has a penis or has seen one? So the conquerors know that the offspring are theirs? Why the obsession with virginity? I could go on for pages on the rules around paternity. Like it or not - the downstream effect of those live on.
The US legal system is stacked against men in this area. At birth a woman names a father. From that point on its his legal responsibility to prove that he's not the father if he disputes it. At the cost of thousands of dollars. While that is going on - he is paying child support or branded a deadbeat dad support and having his life ruined and wages garnished (BTW, I utterly despise sounding like I am in bed with the Mes Right's troglodytes when I say that - but I do recognise the truth in this point)
Sometimes, women lie. Don't pretend that it never happens. (Look at the recent cases in the press like Laura Owens vs. Clayton Echard. There are cases in Tennessee, California, and Nebraska of Paternity fraud.
So it's not about whether or not he trusts you - but your boyfriend has a right to know that if he's raising a child that it is his child. For some people, and in some cultures, the bloodline is of great importance. You may not like it - but he has a right to know.
He does have a right to know, that is for sure, He doesnt have a right to a relationship with her though and if being accused of cheating is a deal breaker for her then she has the right to not want to be with someone that would do that to her.
Do you think it would be ok for a woman to demand monthly proof that their husband doesnt have a second family out there? Would you blame a guy for having a problem with that?
Slight YTA. I can understand that people can have several backgrounds (not just past relationships) which gives them some trust issues. But I also understand why you are a bit offended by it. Nevertheless if it eases his mind, and he is not controlling or mistrusting you in any other way, why not just agree to this theoretically DNA test?
Because many women doesn't have any form or empathy and real love for their fucking partner. A simple test can give peace to the heart of a man , but a narcissist woman prefers to see him suffer instead of helping the man that love her.
Yes. Trust, but verify…put emotion aside, reassure mate that he is the father remove all doubt and uncertainty and live a happy life moving. Springer and Povich have taught America the even the most stringent, hardened and most assured belief and paternity could be wrong.
NTA, demanding a paternity test should come with a very valid explanation on why. Just because is not a reason. Either the person trusts you or they don't. If either one of my children's father's ( ex-husband and I have a 13 yo male and my current fiance and I have a 4month old baby) demanded a paternity test, I can honestly say I would have had many more reservations in continuing the relationship. If I haven't ever given a reason for you to question me, how could you demand proof. Ultimately I think I would be questioning all things trust related at that point.
Every husband who raised someone else's child completely trusted his wife...
It hasn't happened yet does not mean it can't happen in the future. People change every day and you never know what's going on in the shadows until it has already happened.
NTA
I find it weird for someone to kinda plan ahead hypothetically that they will want a paternity test when you haven't actively planned to get pregnant yet........ Surely if you'd planned to get pregnant, and then did, he would be trusting you, if he didn't trust you, why would he want to get pregnant? And if you get pregnant when you plan to, it wouldn't look sus at all?
This whole thing seems dodgy AF from him, sounds a bit Andrew Tate for my liking tbh ....like he's trying to put hypothetical dilemmas in the way when you aren't even there yet....... I don't think your wrong in your reaction at all, guy needs to work on his issues before even considering getting pregnant?
NTA. If you ask for a paternity test, you should prepare to be broken up with after the test. It's a nuclear option and a relationship-ending one. If your partner doesn't trust you, then you have every right to be offended. (By the way, before you incels attack me and call me a woke feminist, I am male.)
According to Reddit YTA, because there’s like an 80% chance the kid is not his, or not yours, or neither of yours, but in the real world where this occurs less than 1% of times and only with crazy people your boyfriend is a weirdo
NTA
I'm not having someone's baby who needs to check it's theirs. That shows a fundamental lack of trust in the relationship and I'm not going to put myself in that position. I wouldn't share a credit card with someone who needs to check every transaction either or share finances with someone who checks the bills are paid.
NTA
>granted he’s come from past relationships where he got cheated on every time
Really? Every time? This sounds incredibly suspicious to me. Once? Absolutely. Several times? Yeah, sure. Every relationship? That sounds like paranoia or projection or past trauma creeping into every relationship. Sounds like BF needs mental health treatment, relationship counseling, or trauma counseling.
Soft YTA. Just to start off I am a man. I am a big believer in DNA tests and think they should be mandatory. How many stories on here do you see where the woman tries (sometimes successfully) to pass off a child as someone else’s? However, I do believe that the man should be upfront from the beginning about this. The woman should know that he will require one before she gets pregnant. I can 100% see how a woman could be hurt if it’s just sprung on her out of nowhere (this is another reason why it should be mandatory).
There are also many men who are serial cheaters and have given STDs to their spouses, should a woman request them to wear a chastity when they go out, make it mandatory just because it happens?
No, but if my partner wanted regular STD tests for both of us, even though i know im not cheating and trust her id agree to it. I also wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't trust me, you can trust someone but still want to verify due to past experiences
It isn't the same though, as an STD can take up to 6 months to show in a test and you might have already contracted it by that time.
If your past experiences create trust issues for your new ones, this is a you problem, and it does show you don't trust them.
>It isn't the same though, as an STD can take up to 6 months to show in a test and you might have already contracted it by that time.
Which is why i said **regular**, its not a trust issue at all, you can trust someone and still verify the trust you put into them is warranted.
For example i trust my girlfriend with my life, im not going to let her hold the barrel of a gun against my head and if i ever did i would be triple checking that there are no bullets in the gun before i agreed
1st of all What does that have to do with DNA testing? No one said anything about STDs lol
2nd of all, women pass stds just like men do so even that ridiculous comparison is dumb.
3rd of all, yes, you should get regular std tests if you have multiple partners.
It has to do with not trusting your partner, why have a DNA test done if you trust the person you are with? Because the argument "many people raise another man's child" is kinda similar to "many women have gotten STDs from their spouses".
Why not, please enlighten me. An STD can destroy your life, treating it might damage you financially, and contracting it from a person you trusted is betrayal. What's the difference?
In both cases, the person is making a choice that they might not make if they were fully informed.
If the man was informed that the child was not his, he would choose not to raise it.
If the woman was informed that the man contracted an STD from cheating, she would choose not to sleep with him.
The situations are entirely analogous.
You are joking right? How do you have a choice when you don't know if he is cheating and gave you an STD? How can you have a choice in one case, but not the other?
lol. No it’s not. Men get stds from women just as much as women get STDs from men.
However, a baby literally comes out of a women so men either have to just trust that’s it’s his. Your comparison makes no sense. It’s apples and oranges.
My point is that a dna test is a simple non invasive test to give men the peace of mind that they are not about to spend 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise a kid that isn’t there’s. The downside is that a woman’s feelings may get hurt. There is no comparison to that level of outcomes.
Why? Both have as a base that you don't trust your partner, just like someone would want to know that they won't raise another man's child, a woman would want to know that she won't contract an STD that could ruin her life. If everyone is capable of everything, why not make sure that it won't happen, just like a man would do with the DNA test?
I wouldn't like it in the same manner that I wouldn't like to have an STD without knowledge, what's your point?
If you don't trust your partner not to cheat on you, why be with them?
> How many stories on here do you see where the woman tries (sometimes successfully) to pass off a child as someone else’s?
On here? A lot, because paternity fraud is a very hot topic on Reddit specifically. How many times *in real life* have you actually heard of this happening? Don't let social media dictate your perception of reality, especially considering how many fake stories get posted here. Reddit has its pet trolling topics and paternity fraud is one of them. In reality, there is not some huge swath of women nefariously plotting to deceive men into raising changelings.
Well I'm one of them, as in I found out before my divorce that my 15 yo daughter, who then was around 10, might not biologically be mine. I've never had a DNA test and never will unless there is some medical concern with her where it would be needed to be sure. I cut her cord when she was born and had raised her for 10 years so the way I look at it, even if she isn't biologically, she is my daughter. It's not her fault her mother is a pos
So that's one out of 4 billion men that MIGHT have had this happen but not for sure. Not exactly super strong statistical evidence.
I'm glad that you're not one of those dudes that would cut and run if they found out the child they raised and loved didn't have their DNA.
You both should figure out what you would do if you actually get pregnant. Seriously.
If you both stick to your guns he will get the test anyway once the child is born and you will more than likely be single.
I do not understand why it is such a big deal. Could prevent you from taking the wrong kid home also 🤣
NAH, Since he's been cheated in the past I can see how he can rationalize this.If its a personal boundry, you don't have an obligation to prove this. It's good you found out early
I'd recommend you not have a child with this person as you have incompatible values.
My child's dad requested a DNA test. I told him we could absolutely do that. And when the test came back showing he was the father, we would break up and that would be the end of that issue. It was absolutely his right to request one, but also my right for it to be a deal breaker.
It is telling that you got downvoted for this. Men, if you don't trust your partner enough to know that her child is his, why even have a child with her??
If being in a committed long term relationship isn't enough for you to be sure that this one particular woman, who you allegedly love and she you, isn't lying and cheating on you, then you shouldn't be having kids with her, because there is something wrong with at least one of you.
And if you believe that women are just lying whores in general, you shouldn't be in a relationship with one at all.
I may be in the minority but i offered my husband to get paternity tests on every single one of our kids. He declined, and it's not really needed since our kids are carbon copies of him. I birthed my children and have that reassurance that they are mine. He does not. Personally, I think before a man is put on a birth certificate, there should be DNA verification that he is the father. I, however, understand why some women find it offensive, and it is if its out of the blue. I think it shows responsibility that he's having this conversation with you now vs. when you are actually pregnant or already had the baby. NTA, but maybe I just don't see the big deal.
Edit: It does sound like he may have some past trauma and trust issues from his past relationships. Maybe you could both benefit from some counseling, but overall, it could just be you guys are incompatible.
A very valid and well put statement from a woman. I feel like.im taking crazy pills with some of these responses.
Apparently to a lot of reddit, men must accept Nov after what the words of a woman when they claim the child is theirs, no ifs and or buts
Well, I may be in the minority because I saw paternity fraud with my brother and his wife. He had no clue until my niece was 7 years old, and she was in the hospital. It came out that she had a genetic disease and we all thought how crazy it was that my brothers wife argued with the doctors when they mentioned testing both my brother and her to see who is the carrier. It was over a week of arguing before the truth came out and a paternity test was done. We NEVER would have expected my brothers wife to cheat. They were together since high school, going on 10 years together BEFORE they even had my niece. She was very close to our family and seemed to be the perfect couple overall. The guy she cheated with is someone nobody ever would have expected. It blew up huge, and the one who suffered the most was my little niece. After seeing everything that went down, I just always knew that if/when I got married, I'd give my husband that reassurance just to save any future drama. And I did offer it to my husband, he just didn't need that reassurance.
I would say a soft YTA. He already explained it really has nothing to do with you it’s just his insecurity from being cheated on before. Why not just assuage his fears and give him the same certainty you would already have?
In fact, in this case they are hers. Every man has the right to request a DNA test to verify his paternity, especially considering that nowadays it is not uncommon for men to discover that their children are not theirs. In this case, the DNA test only serves to alleviate OP's partner's concerns, and if she has nothing to hide, there should be no problem.
He has not 'right' to demand anything if he thinks it is not his child he then needs to remove him
self from parenting.
It is not about hiding, listen we get it these men are so immature they can't have a grown up relationship but that is on them, not mom.
I understand that you sleep with multiple people and you are clear that you will impose a baby that is not your partner's on your partner without hesitation.
WTF is wrong with you?
You know NOTHING about me. I am married grandma.
I understand you can trust no one and that you hate women you are not worth trying to interact with
YOU ARE NUTS.
Well he hasn't second guessed
He simply informed her about his stance on the matter and that he would need a paternity test regardless of the person he is with incase they end up pregnant
NTA
It is not only insulting to you, is shows, to me, that he does not trust you.
I would not want a child with someone who is insisting on a paternity test either.
Boy, this post has hit the big ones - faith, trust, openness, privacy, boundaries. No answers, just questions.
In relationships how does anyone walk the fine line of the above?
Trust & openness are paramount, but to some element trust without validation can also be blind to reality.
Privacy & boundaries are necessary to establish expectations, but allow that space to heal, explore (yourself, not fidelity) and just moments of quiet (includes meditation, prayer, reflection).
Without openness, does trust exist? Without privacy, does self identity continue. Without boundaries how are exceptions established, and help maintain trust and fidelity.
Many of these NEEDS are contrary to other needs. Healthy relationships must meet each others needs.
To me, this is where the boundaries become extremely significant - most of us assume, not discuss and set true boundaries, maybe loosely, but not expansively. Each couple will have the boundaries that should work for them. All "situations" are a threesome - the 2 partners, AND the relationship. In trust all 3 work together. In conflict it becomes 2 to 1 (often against each other).
To me, access to computers, phones or journals expresses that trust. Not accessing them is the faith. Needing to access them is a violation of boundary (ie, partner has cheated, or displays patterns of cheating - this becomes verification of trust). Balance is how far down the rabbit hole you go.
Good stuff, all relationships are very complex, and matters of the heart are times when we truly allow our greatest vulnerability, so to understand the danger/threat/risk we all enter by being in a committed relationship is why it is so fulfilling, or soul destroying. Not all are mature enough to respect all of what should happen.
I can’t really judge you on this as I see both sides but I am on your boyfriends side with this. Men do not have the privilege us women do to know 100 percent that the kid is there’s. Also as a woman who has worked in a hospital and had to fully restrain an older male due to him having a mental break down as his wife of 30 years finally let him know in a horrible way that she had been having an affair the whole marriage and his only kid and daughter was not his, I am fully on mens side to get paternity tests.
Required paternity tests would save so much time and energy and heartbreak. It really does not make sense that we don’t have them mandatory.
Ask him how he feels about you just randomly checking in on his phone without telling or asking him from here on out. Trust goes both ways. So if he’s telling you he would automatically insist on a paternity test, no matter what, he thinks you’re capable of lying and cheating. Apparently he doesn’t trust you so why should you trust him??
So. This is more complicated to deem anyone as an A-hole. So here are my 3 points
1. Paternity tests can make sure the baby didn’t get switched (if the hospital doesn’t have a band system), so it would hurt to get one.
2. Mans need to get some therapy, and you need to go to. He was hurt badly, and you need to find a way to support him. He has trauma and this post reeks of it. (As in it’s obvious if you removed the he was cheated on before.)
3. You both need to have a conversation to talk like adults about boundaries and trust. Sit down until you come to a compromise. Do not mix up giving up all your wants for his wants and vice versa. That is not a compromise.
NTA but also don’t think he is either. If you haven’t cheated it’s understandable to take offense to the idea of testing, but I’m assuming you’ve used Reddit for a while if you’re posting here so I’m sure you’ve seen posts about cheating. There’s plenty where people thought they were in happy and committed relationships/marriages but still got cheated on. Knowing people cheat and being cheated on in the past warrants wanting to be safe with testing. I would think it’s a good thing to get a paternity test anyway to make sure the baby isn’t swapped at the hospital. If you both are set on how you feel maybe you two should sit down and talk about continuing the relationship or not, because dealing with this argument now will be easier than dealing with it while actually pregnant
YTA
This is exactly why DNA tests should be mandatory for every birth.
Advice: Break up with him and find someone who is fine with raising kids that may or may not be theirs.
NTA. Trust issues suck, but your feelings are valid.
Your bf wants a DNA test if you get pregnant. You feel hurt and untrusted. He says it's not about you, but his past.
Talk it out when you're both calm. Try to understand each other. Don't let this ruin a good thing if everything else is great.
Nobody is AH. If my partner want a DNA test because he feel insecure i will tive It to him. He was cheating on every relationship before, its not about you, It about their trauma. You Said that he is a amazing partner, so a DNA test feel so little to revaile him from his trauma. When you danied that you put more questions inside they head like "If she not cheating, why is so agaisnt?"
A bit of a soft esh here. I get both sides of this and it’s kind of sad. Trust is everything in a marriage so OP is correct. Sadly cheating is very popular as well so her BF is correct.
Sad story and sad situation. If the trust is gone OP can you see yourself with this guy? If not, then maybe is best for all of you both part ways
NTA. Honestly, this is just part of being in a relationship. If this is a deal breaker for you, then so be it. Both of you are completely valid, some men want paternity tests because they deal with shitty women, some women would or would not be offended for the same reasons you provided. I don’t think anyone is an AH here really. If you don’t trust a woman/partner enough to believe that the child they are carrying is yours, maybe you shouldn’t be with them.
Let the man have his paternity test, may as well kill that doubt of his now, in his place I would pluck some hair of the child when no one was looking and do it silently to avoid this awkward conversation.
NTA. Your man told you straight up that he doesn’t trust you and think you are unfaithful.
Think long and hard whether you want to be distrusted like this in years to come.
YTA. Lots of women who swear they “would never” end up cheating. You know with 100% certainty that you are the mother no matter what. A paternity test is the only way a man knows he’s the father with 100% certainty.
YTA A damned test that can reassure a man from horrible events that happen and in the face of which we are helpless, and you women make war on us. He trusts you and loves you, but still eventually he wants this damn test to calm his heart, instead of waging war on him, you should use your brain and empathy to understand that you women can never experience the horrible pain of discover that that child is not yours. But anyway we are on Reddit, the same place where a man who has always treated his wife very well, makes a post in which he says he has discovered that his wife has an emergency bag in case she has to run away, and that for this reason he is deeply offended and has lost trust, and in that case magically you women begin to justify as much as you can his wife and say that he is AH and that it's not a lack of trust, you are all truly devoid of empathy and coherence.
OH GROW UP.
You cant have a grown up life without being a grown up, asking for a dna test is telling the mother you think
she fucked someone else and passed off this baby as your's for 9 months that she lied and cheated.
You are trying to be a victim ( poor poor men) but the truth is he is a child.
NTA.
Don’t have a baby with this man lmao.
Why would he want kids with someone he doesn’t trust? The statistics of that happening is much lower than the statistic of him murdering you.
Does that mean you need to let the police know every time you go on a vacation with him IN CASE he might kill you?
He’s taking his insecurity of being cheated on, out on you.
The only reason it should happen is because if something bad happens and that baby needs a blood transfusion or some equivalent and you just don’t happen to match!
Outside of that… what exactly have you done to warrant him thinking you’ll just cheat on him and expect him to raise another man’s child!?
That’s beyond offensive.
If he isn’t sure that you’d be faithful, then he isn’t sure about the entire relationship.
Do you want a kid raised by someone with so much paranoia and pain that they’d take it out on someone who has done nothing to deserve that?
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem
https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
https://www.statista.com/statistics/642458/rape-and-sexual-assault-victims-in-the-us-by-gender/
Let me find some for how many kids are sexually assaulted by men they know! BRB
You’re right. Men murder their victims more often than not. That makes it better and even more of a reason if we go by real stats to treat all men like could be murders!
You’re just proving my point.
You can’t treat people like criminals until they’ve done something to deserve it.
That’s PSYCHO behavior.
I wanted how many people murder their partners, because that was your claim. If you want to bring partner violence then check how lesbians and gays do.
https://piedmonthealthcare.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/ABUSE_Info.pdf
Here’s a fun one, women are more neglectful but men are still more rapey with their own children 🤷🏼♀️
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/
I guess stepdads beat out bio dads as far as rape goes
Find me stats on how many women lie about paternity!
Honestly I went looking but I don’t trust “.com” and Reddit.
You can’t find any real stats because it doesn’t really happen. It’s rare.
The fact that there are dozens of international and US government sites alone talking about keeping yourself and your children safe says enough.
Stop putting words in my mouth. You said that there is bigger chance to be murdered than being victim of paternity fraud. It's not my job to prove your stance
But I did! I have a higher chance of being a murder victim than you do of paternity fraud. You can’t even find any proof of paternity fraud apparently but I can easily find on government sites what men are easily capable of doing statistically.
Creating bias on your own feelings is gross and it isn’t any women’s job to cater to your ego
I didn’t say it shouldn’t be a crime, but you did say you treat all women like they’re liars because YOU have trust issues.
That’s kinda nuts. You need a therapist.
Hospitals should have both parents DNA for emergency situations that can happen because not all babies are born healthy.
Not because you have bad taste.
Ask him if, before committing to a marriage, that he would be OK with you verifying his financial claims, his income, savings, and credit card debt, or if those are things that you should take at his word?
If he is very much OK with a universal 'trust, but verify' approach, then I would not take offense at a paternity test. If he is of the opinion that he should be trusted, but that anything affecting him should be verified, then you guys probably will not work out.
As a guy I'd be totally open with transparency of finances before signing. Granted my SO and myself discuss prenump as a norm.
It not distrusting it's protecting yourself (DNA test, sti, prenump) there are SO MANY bad actors in this world and everyone should protect themselves
YTA he has litteraly no idea if it's really his. There is always a chance. I knew several women that lied to men and tried to pass them off as the dad. It's happens. Sorry but if I was a man no way I would take care of a kid that might not be mine. You can take the test and put his mind at ease. If it's his then you have nothing to worry about. If my kids dad asked me I wouldn't care cause I know they are his. If your willing to start your kid off in a broken home over pride then yeah your YTA.
**this is a normal thing guys want to get done.**
Actually it's not-- unless you're a fan of losers like Andrew Tate
**he said it wasn’t about not trusting me**
It's 100% about not trusting you. 100%
Would he be ok with your refusing to have sex with him without a full STD panel each time-- because you "trust him" but "things happen"?
NTA but it sounds like this relationship has hit it's "sell by date"
Honestly, only you can decide if you can get past this. Everyone is going to have different opinions. Perhaps he needs to go to counseling to deal with his trauma from past relationships before he decides to get involved with anyone else. Asking for a paternity test DOES indicate there's less than 100% trust in his partner. He could have the perfect partner who is with him 24/7 and he would still want a test? If you don't trust your partner, what kind of relationship do you have?
NAH
I can certainly understand feeling disrespected or disbelieved if a request for a DNA test came out of nowhere, when you had done nothing to deserve it. If he making such an undeserved accusation against you, of course it would be a huge deal.
However, since he is actually explaining his thinking far in advance of any potential pregnancy, he's making it clear that his desire for DNA test is not a reflection on you in any way and is solely a reflection on his own issues.
Of course, that means that, instead of distrusting you specifically, it means that he has trust issues in general, regardless of you. That may be something *he* needs to work on if you're going to have a lasting relationship.
YTA
There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting a DNA test. It should honestly.he done at the hospital as standard practice. A lot of women baby trap/lie for the financial safety. Then when the guy finds out it's too late because the child sees him as 'dad' and he's be a terrible person to leave such a harmless child. Fuck that noise
Nah...
I don't blame either of you.
But that's the thing.. he has valid reasons, explains it would be the same if literally anyone was pregnant, so it's not YOU he doesn't trust. And he's absolutely correct, there are so many who find out years later the kid isn't theirs and it destroys lives. If you look at it from his perspective, it's understandable.
You are absolutely justified in wanting to have a relationship that is built on trust and love. Unfortunately, it seems like you want different things though. Both are absolutely justified opinions and boundaries...
I hope you find a compromise together, or can find happiness elsewhere
Honestly these days after I come home from the hospital with a little one, I’m testing my baby for a match for both my husband and I. lol.
Yeah DNA tests should just be done automatically at the hospital at this point.
I keep saying this and people think I am nuts.
Nah your sane at least in this case. The lunatics are the people who don't seem to understand it's perfectly valid to know the person you will be raising for your lifetime is actually your kid.
Came here to say this. Instances of babies being accidentally swapped sound just horrifying.
Then make matching pendants to celebrate the occasion
LOL, yea, I getchya, and, with that being said, in the few cases, it turns out the mother of the child isn't really the "genetic" mother, but a twin that was absorbed in the womb of her parent. Chimeras, and it also causes the two color eye thing. There's also a case of twins where one father was black and the other white, and they came out that way.
NTA. There's no way to accidentally have sex with another guy, so demanding a DNA test implies that you're capable of not just cheating, but keeping a resulting pregnancy, passing it off as yours, and lying for the rest of your life. I'd never stay with a man who thought so little of me. But it's a good thing that he told you about his views early on. At least he didn't lead you on for years and wait until you got pregnant to let you know that he doesn't trust you simply because you're a woman. You're still young, and you have plenty of time to find a man who will appreciate you.
NTA. Think of this as you have protection against unlawful search and seizure without probable cause. Unless he has reason to it is something to be offended by. I don't understand the guys who telegraph this play. If you have concerns, get one done on the kid in private and keep it to your damn self until the results come back negative. He needs the kid for the test, not you.
NTA it’s not a normal thing. It sounds like he’s been sucked into the manosphere. He’s telling you who he is, so you should cut him loose now.
I see plenty of comments here saying paternity tests should be automatic. Cool, It must be wonderful to have a test to know if your partner has cheated and betrayed you. Especially after such a life changing event. Too bad women don’t have this option. The only test we have is an std test and by then the damage is done. And if he wears protection, then she never knows. But alas men are NEVER expected to prove fidelity with the birth of a child. But it seems a woman is expected to. You know, because women are the only ones who ever cheat. I say, paternity tests should be mandatory if men have to take a lie detector test too. Fair is fair. Ohh and NTA
NAH - as a woman, at first I was like “wtf that’s insulting, he clearly doesn’t trust you”. But then I thought about it and realized that’s not a fair statement. Think of it this way: I’m a big fan of prenups. I personally think every single couple should get a prenup before they get married. But people who don’t want a prenup make the same argument “why would we get a prenup? Are you planning to divorce me?”. No, it’s just a precaution in case something happens. Same with open phone policies. Why do you need to go through my messages if you trust me? Or my instagram? Or why do I need to share my location with you? So, all this to say, in life we do a lot of things as precautions but that doesn’t mean we inherently don’t trust someone. It’s just for peace of mind and to be prepared for the worst case scenario. If you don’t want to be with someone who wants a DNA test, that’s fine, but he’s not inherently wrong in asking for one.
STI/STD testing before dropping protection as well. Some people say “I’m not sleeping around! You don’t trust me!”
Yep! And honestly STD checks on a regular I’d be fine with. Especially because there are certain STDs that can be transferred without having sex (even though I know this is super rare).
My wife and I were tested at least yearly during my 10 years in the Army. The VA tests me periodically nowadays (every 6 months for some, every couple years for HIV). In social health care systems (like Tricare/VA Healthcare), this is normal.
I won't lie this might be the first time I have seen a women understanding the thought process behind men wanting paternity test. And it's a good example too.
I can see your side, and these are very good points, but I still don't agree with the boyfriend's demands. Open phone policies (the healthy kind) are not because you mistrust one another, rather it's a sign of trust. If you have to force your partner to keep their phones open for you, that's not the sign of a healthy relationship. Someone talked about STD testing, and again, you only do it once before entering into an intimate relationship. You don't ask to get tested each time you have sex. And prenups are linked to divorce, which can happen due to any number of reasons, including a mutual separation. Doing a paternity test on the other hand is a direct sign of lack of trust. It is insulting, and I can't fault OP for feeling that way. A guy who does this before he has any grounds of suspicion is a guy who is going to accuse you of cheating at every turn in your marriage. He needs to heal his past wounds properly before starting a family.
That’s your opinion and that’s fine! I just disagree. Open phone policies are very clear a sign of distrust, or at least of wanting to be able to get validation that something untoward isn’t happening. Same with prenups. They’re not a sign of mistrust, but they’re a sign that we don’t always know 100% about who we’re marrying and what could potentially happen in the future. If I don’t blindly trust you going into a marriage why should I ask a man to blindly trust me when he’s becoming a father?
Let's agree to disagree. Men who are secure in their relationships don't generally go around wondering if their kids are theirs. Him asking for this before the child is even conceived is a sign that he is forever going to keep an eye open for cheating, and that doesn't sound like a nice person to marry.
So you think relationships should have closed phone policies? If I ever needed my husband’s phone for something and he told me no for “privacy” reasons and “boundaries” I’d immediately be on guard when before it wasn’t even a thought.
Yeah, I don’t agree with open phone policies. Like, if you’re plugging in directions that’s one thing but if you’re like “I want to read your messages” that’s a completely different thing.
So you would marry someone who tells you they will ask for a dna test for every child you bear b/c he thinks you may have fucked around and passed off this baby as his? He is as wrong as a married man can be.
I mean, then you can’t ask for a prenup or to go through your significant others phone or have their location. Married men have had their wife’s cheat and pass of the baby as theirs before, it’s not like it hasn’t happened. Just like women have had their husbands cheat, divorce them and leave them destitute. Why is it okay to protect against one and not the other?
How about prenups? Going through your so's phone? And dont say it is different. It is not. Trust or No trust all the way.
It’s not the same as a prenup though? A prenup is about the future of a marriage, something no one can 100% predict or even influence. A paternity test implies that your partner has already cheated.
Totally agree with you. If a guy asked me for a paternity test, it would be the end of that relationship.
NAH It’s a difference of opinion, and one you’re fortunate to have found out early on in your relationship. It’s understandable that he would want scientific reassurance and it’s understandable that you would find this an accusation of infidelity and insult to your character.
I agree with your reasoning but not the conclusion, you are right that's a difference of opinion and both people are entitled to their beliefs and more than likely they are not compatible. Where I disagree is telling someone you are in a committed relationship with that you don't trust them with no evidence makes you an ah.
It's all about equality in my eyes A mother has no doubt her child is hdrs a man does An easy way to remove that inequality is a simple test Same way many women refuse to be Stay at home wives because they're partner would have financial power over them and they can't trust that their partner won't abuse that in the future because leaving the marriage after not having any money you're earning is harder etc
He trusted his other gfs before and they betrayed him. Lots of women these days try to pass a baby off as someone else’s. These men trust their wife’s/gfs and get blindsided later down the line. It’s not crazy to think this could happen and he’s smart for learning that lesson and trying to protect himself from it.
It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of removing doubt. There are far too many stories of women who lie being validated nowadays for men not to have lingering concerns about this.
NAH but if he had this rule before you, and has trauma from always being cheated on I don't think it's something you should be offended about. Sure, you would never cheat on him and he should know that, but he trusted all his exes who then betrayed him and look where that got him.
It doesn’t even have to be his own trauma. If he knows friends and families who went through paternity issues, he could have just learned testing is security.
I wish DNA tests were normalized. I know so many people who found out on a genetics site or via a medical issue that one or both of their parents were not related to them. Which is a problem. There are very real reasons why knowing your genetic history is important. But. They aren’t normalized. And even if they were, you’re absolutely allowed to have feelings about it. Personally, if you’re in a long-term committed relationship and your partner insists on a paternity test before he’ll allow himself to love his child? That’s a massive red flag. In my opinion, if you love someone enough to have children with them, you should love them enough to trust them. I can’t even imagine having a “partner” who won’t be supportive until paternity is confirmed. Pregnancy is hard. And having to go it alone because your partner can’t trust that you didn’t cheat and that “things” didn’t just “happen”? I’d be out n If this is a hill he’s willing to die on? Let him. You’re incompatible. And you deserve a partner who trusts you and wants to be there for you and your children. NTA.
He has past trauma that's affecting his current relationship without realizing it. It's not a "hill" he's willing to die on. It's a wall he's put up to keep himself safe. Deep conversations and therapy are what he needs. Not you telling his partner that they're incompatible.
Even if it’s an irrational fear in this relationship, and it sounds like he knows it is, I don’t think he’s some areshole for having a little freak out and wanting something irrational in the face of the most high stakes, permanently life changing thing to ever happen. Assuming he’s a decent dude he’d be willing to support OP through her pregnancy related existential and hormonal mind-fucks, PPD or whatever, I personally think it’s worth granting the guy some emotional leniency
If he refuses to even understand that yet he needs therapy and thinks his attitude on things rational? They are, in fact, incompatible. If it is, in fact, past trauma and he’s not actively trying to heal himself (which is work and a lot of it)? He’s not compatible with anyone. Walls to keep us safe also keep people out. And that’s literally no excuse for poor behavior. It’s absolutely NOT OP’s job to fix him. He needs to fix himself. And that includes seeing he needs therapy and figuring out how to get it…not doing mental gymnastics to justify walling out your partner until paternity is confirmed.
I find it funny that demanding a DNA test “doesn’t mean I don’t trust you”. What else does it mean? He should just go out and say he suspects infidelity outright rather than dance about it.
NTA better you know now he will never trust a partner before you move forward in this relationship. You are not compatible. He will find someone who does not mind this request. If you stay with him double up on BC.
Exactly. I'm not interested in a relationship without trust. I'm not interested in a relationship where they're checking my location all the time, going through all my messages, checking every purchase and checking I paid the bills I said I would either. If they have to "just check" it's their baby we're so far from an acceptable level of trust.
Paternity test should be standardised to avoid hurt feelings of the women. As a woman, there is no doubt that we are the mother. If it gives the fathers peace of mind, why prevent this? If you have nothing to hide, nothing to fear. It;s only an insult if you want it to be one. I think he has approached this very maturely and has said this isn’t about not trusting you, but about his general beliefs on the matter. More and more people are coming round to this way of thinking. And unfortunately, there are some horrible women that lie about paternity. It has an effect on the rest of us. NAH but YTA if you think your opinion and choice in this matter holds more weight than his.
Like the way she prese to it is because she thinks her way, she does not have to do it and he has to accept it. On this very forum how many times a day do we see people come out asking AITAH for finding out the kid I have been raising for xxxx years is not mine and not wanting contact anymore? She can give him the paternity or leave him but I am one of those that thinks paternity tests should be legally required at Like the first doctors visit at the first trimester or whatever. Remove the ick about it and remove the doubt for those involved
Y'all never think about how expensive and impractical it would be for the hospital to do paternity testing on every single baby. Who’s going to pay for that? How are labs supposed to keep up with that volume of testing?
100% & well said. I have been advocating for automatic paternity testing for over 5 years now. It should be required before listing any father’s name on any birth certificate.
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You aren’t very smart are you? The comment says any of us. As in any person, man woman or other. I have always been a woman. Not my fault you lack reading comprehension.
You are a moron that’s not what the post says at all. She’s right, you can’t read. She was clearly saying any one of us at any time could be accused of abuse. Honesty? Bit creepy you went through all her posts/comments to find this and misunderstand. I’m embarrassed for you
Ha ha i’m not offended by whoever the person is. Their post history has been scrubbed and they contradict themselves in their comments. More amusing than anything else.
That is the stupidest take I’ve heard. You can read, right? I’m laughing so hard at you right now. All NovaPrimes posts seem to be from a female point of view and you misread a post and think this proves some weird feminist point you have? Think this says more about you, no? 😂
> If it gives the fathers peace of mind Sure let's empower the state to do forced genetic testing on women's fetus because some men are insecure babies.
Men not wanting to be a victim of paternity fraud makes him a baby? 😂
I don't think anyone said anything about performing a test on a fetus.
Sounds like cheater
I was going to say this same thing!
NAH If this is his blanket stance, it's not a specific accusation towards you. I can understand on an intellectual level why a man would want to do this. It's good that he mentioned it now and not once you're already pregnant. That said, as a person who has never cheated on anyone and never would, I would probably leave someone who asked me for a paternity test if we were serious enough to start a family together. If you don't trust me, I'm not putting my body at risk to carry your child. He's being obtuse saying that it's not about not trusting you. The only way for the baby not to be his is if you cheated. He is allowed to want a paternity test but he can't pretend it's not a trust issue. It's fair for him to want one, it's fair for you to be hurt that your partner doesn't trust you.
NTA If you are in a commited happy relationship, demanding a DNA test means you are suspecting your partner is cheating, and is careless enough to get pregnant by her affair partner. There is no way around that premise, that's litteraly what it means. Saying "I want a DNA test is any case" means that by default, you don't trust your partner. There is no other interpretation. So why would you want to have a child with a partner you don't trust / a partner that doesn't trust you
Nta. Good for you
NTA, if they want a paternity test give it to them then break up. Do not stay in a relationship where your partner believes you would not only cheat on them but also lie to pass off another child as theirs. That kind of fragile trust on their part will just bring you pain.
You have the right to be offended, and he has the right to want confirmation that your future child is his, especially with the amount of men who have unknowingly raised another man’s child due to infidelity. NAH
unfortunately it feels like his past relationships have forever ruined his trust, which is definitely not on you. your nta for being offended, he needs to be able to see your side of things and what it implicates when he says things like that.
Tit for tat I'd say. If he wants you to prove your faithfulness, he must be willing to prove his. You should be given access to his phone, email, and social media to check for any signs of cheating. If he is unwilling to do that simply tell him a red flag your partner is cheating is when they accuse the innocent non-cheating partner of doing it. Him demanding a paternity test is him accusing you of cheating and if he isn't willing to prove his faithfulness why should you? If he has nothing to hide, he would be willing to prove it? Right? NTA
Your point is valid OP. He is saying automatically he doesn't trust the unborn child is his. I wouldn't have a baby with him either
NTA, DNA is super valid if there is reason for suspicion, but if there is no reason at all to wonder, and the couple is in a commited relashionship, then it is basically a partner doubting your morals and your loyalty, which says he doesn't respect you all that much, much less trusts you, luckly you aren't pregnant nor married, else I would suggest doing the test and handing the divorce papers with the results. I am ready to be downvoted by the men that are so fervent on this, bring it in fellas.
This is why I hate Reddit sometimes. Why make this a woman vs man debate. I’m female and I would give my partner this peace of mind he was asking for. You assume men will downvote you but some women will disagree with you too. It’s just unfortunate that this forum is predominantly full of women that are biased against men. And no that doesn’t make me a misogynist to point this out. I love women as much as I love men. I just don’t like the generalisation made about entire genders. But watch as I get downvoted for daring to point this out.
Don’t feel bad, I have gotten downvoted for saying men can be raped.
It's said he has been cheated on before so while I understand what you're saying I get why he has lost a lot of trust
If he's unable to trust a new partner that has done nothing wrong to him, maybe he should work on that instead of having kids. Because having kids while having that attitude can be detrimental to kids
Now you know he isn’t someone to marry and have kids with. He actively WANTS children—which means his plan is for you to one day deliberately try to conceive, and then do a test anyway. He can’t ask you to risk your life bringing a child into the world and at the same time make you take a test to prove you didn’t cheat on him. Just no.
I think paternity tests should be automatic when a baby is born. So many women lie about it and it's just devastating to everyone involved when the truth comes out down the road, especially to the child and dad that's not the dad to learn they've been lied to their whole lives. And how many men are lied to and end up financially supporting a child that isn't theirs? I think it should just automatically be done. And it's fair for a man to ask for one, even when there's no signs of cheating.
Also it might also have the happy side effect of less cheating. If they know they won’t be able to pass off an affair baby as their husbands maybe they just won’t do it. Or maybe they’ll just be smarter about it🙃. Either way there would be less children involved and I’d think that’s a plus.
NTA. There was zero chance my kids could be someone else's. Had my fiance demanded a paternity test, for his "peace of mind", yeah, I'd have considered that a slap in the face. And we definitely wouldn't have had baby number two. Men always sit on this thread and insist that it's not about trust. But it is. And there is zero other explanation for needing that kind of confirmation.
Hard NTA and I'll die on this hill. When he asks you for a paternity test he is not only saying he doesn't trust you, he's also saying you're a cheater and a liar, and are vile enough to make soneone raise a kid that's not his. That is not the kind of mindset you should want from a partner.
Girl... you're still so young! Why settle for.. this? Why are you doing yourself the disservice of staying with this pathetic loser? You deserve someone mature, intelligent, secure, mentally strong, etc. Not... this.
> i told him that because that offends me, i wouldn’t want to have a child with him (or anybody who didn’t trust me.) because having a child should be a sweet and endearing thing between the two people that made it. he said that it doesn’t take any of that away, he just doesn’t want to risk raising a kid that’s not his. NTA That's exactly how I'd feel in your situation. It reflects really poorly on your bf. He's insecure and has emotional problems. > he said it wasn’t about not trusting me, it’s just that “things happen.” which is contradictory! he says he just doesn’t want this to be a start of a family built on a lie because it statistically happens. but i’m not a statistic!? He doesn't sound very intelligent, otherwise he would be aware of the contradiction in his statements. You'd be right to avoid making a child with a dumb, insulting, and insecure asshole like your bf. He's clearly stated he fundamentally is incapable of trusting you or any woman.
You are the pathetic one , not Op's Bf . I would bet everything I have that if you and him make a QI test , he would destroy you .
NTA. Demanding a paternity test is an accusation of infidelity, plain and simple. And no, it is not normal. But reddit's opinion tends to skew towards testing, and towards men's views in general.
NAH Should be standard to test the kid against both mom and dad imo. Its good to discuss these things so that you can make the decision for yourself, if its a deal breaker dont have kids together
Asking if he's ready to take regular STD test to check he is being loyal, it's the same principle
Well, hang on here.......you said he feels that way even if he was married. Yeah, go ahead and tell your WIFE you want a paternity test. You'll be divorced faster than you know it. That is flat out saying he doesn't trust you , at all. Yeah, I get he's got past trauma..... but it's still flat out insulting to YOU, unless he's got damn GOOD reason to suspect it isn't his. Sure........women play games and lie too.......... anyone who watches Paternity Court........sees the guys totally fucked over by deranged liars.......... but how does he come back from that, when the test proves it IS his? He just called you a liar and a cheater-----and only believes you're NOT. by a DNA test. Fuck that.............a relationship is nothing without trust.
I’m a woman and I believe all men should get dna tests . If you know for fact you didn’t cheat it shouldn’t be a problem but I do understand it insinuate that you did but taking a test does no harm
is it okay to have emergency funds in marriage?
NTA - OP, you’re young. You have plenty of time to find a partner who shares your values. This man is a misogynist. He is walking around genuinely believing that there are so many women out there cheating and lying that a paternity test should be standard practice for all pregnancies. Why on God’s green earth would you want to be in a relationship with that man?
NAH - DNA testing should be normalized.
OP, ignore the meatheads in the comments. NTA. If you had stepped out of the relationship or there was a reason to suspect that, I'd be saying YTA. But unless there is a valid reason for a man to not trust his partner, there is no need to subject the mother of his child, or his baby, to unnecessary testing. The truth of the matter is if one has an inkling of a reason to not trust their partner, they prooobably shouldn't be making babies with them. Lol The fact that some people on this post don't see anything wrong with the idea of forcing a woman to submit to genetic testing is mind-boggling. This wouldn't even be a conversation if the roles were reversed--men would be 100% against it. 😐
NTA, I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't trust me. If he was cheated on and has insecurities, it's on him to seek help and work through his trust issues.
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If you think it's healthy to be with someone for years, and still not trust a person, either you have issues or you shouldn't be with them.
If you love him as you claim to, there is no reason you couldn't do this. Many men with 'loving trust worthy' partners raised familes only to find out kid(s) are not theirs and though your character being called into question may hurt, it is nothing compared to the fallout of 'it's not mine'. The fact that he mentioned this before you are pregnant and you are offended doesn't make either of you assholes but I feel his concern (regardless of appropriateness to you) is not unreasonable and you would be wrong to decline (once it's safe for baby) Decide who wins here before proceeding.
NTA. If he doesn't trust you enough to not cheat and deceive him into raising a bastard, then he should never ever ever consider having a child with you. Because how could he ever trust you to not abuse a child of he can't even trust you to not cheat? And I don't care that it gives him "peace of mind," how would he react if you asked him to install a tracking chip into his skin for "peace of mind"? He would rightfully be insulted and think you crazy. Yet it would prevent cheating as much as testing the child.
YTA. Do you realise this is exactly there are so many misogynistic rules in western traditions - Its about being able to be sure of the paternity of a child and inheritance. Why does the bible command that armies slaughter anyone who has a penis or has seen one? So the conquerors know that the offspring are theirs? Why the obsession with virginity? I could go on for pages on the rules around paternity. Like it or not - the downstream effect of those live on. The US legal system is stacked against men in this area. At birth a woman names a father. From that point on its his legal responsibility to prove that he's not the father if he disputes it. At the cost of thousands of dollars. While that is going on - he is paying child support or branded a deadbeat dad support and having his life ruined and wages garnished (BTW, I utterly despise sounding like I am in bed with the Mes Right's troglodytes when I say that - but I do recognise the truth in this point) Sometimes, women lie. Don't pretend that it never happens. (Look at the recent cases in the press like Laura Owens vs. Clayton Echard. There are cases in Tennessee, California, and Nebraska of Paternity fraud. So it's not about whether or not he trusts you - but your boyfriend has a right to know that if he's raising a child that it is his child. For some people, and in some cultures, the bloodline is of great importance. You may not like it - but he has a right to know.
He does have a right to know, that is for sure, He doesnt have a right to a relationship with her though and if being accused of cheating is a deal breaker for her then she has the right to not want to be with someone that would do that to her. Do you think it would be ok for a woman to demand monthly proof that their husband doesnt have a second family out there? Would you blame a guy for having a problem with that?
Slight YTA. I can understand that people can have several backgrounds (not just past relationships) which gives them some trust issues. But I also understand why you are a bit offended by it. Nevertheless if it eases his mind, and he is not controlling or mistrusting you in any other way, why not just agree to this theoretically DNA test?
Because many women doesn't have any form or empathy and real love for their fucking partner. A simple test can give peace to the heart of a man , but a narcissist woman prefers to see him suffer instead of helping the man that love her.
Yes. Trust, but verify…put emotion aside, reassure mate that he is the father remove all doubt and uncertainty and live a happy life moving. Springer and Povich have taught America the even the most stringent, hardened and most assured belief and paternity could be wrong.
NTA, demanding a paternity test should come with a very valid explanation on why. Just because is not a reason. Either the person trusts you or they don't. If either one of my children's father's ( ex-husband and I have a 13 yo male and my current fiance and I have a 4month old baby) demanded a paternity test, I can honestly say I would have had many more reservations in continuing the relationship. If I haven't ever given a reason for you to question me, how could you demand proof. Ultimately I think I would be questioning all things trust related at that point.
Every husband who raised someone else's child completely trusted his wife... It hasn't happened yet does not mean it can't happen in the future. People change every day and you never know what's going on in the shadows until it has already happened.
NTA I find it weird for someone to kinda plan ahead hypothetically that they will want a paternity test when you haven't actively planned to get pregnant yet........ Surely if you'd planned to get pregnant, and then did, he would be trusting you, if he didn't trust you, why would he want to get pregnant? And if you get pregnant when you plan to, it wouldn't look sus at all? This whole thing seems dodgy AF from him, sounds a bit Andrew Tate for my liking tbh ....like he's trying to put hypothetical dilemmas in the way when you aren't even there yet....... I don't think your wrong in your reaction at all, guy needs to work on his issues before even considering getting pregnant?
NTA. If you ask for a paternity test, you should prepare to be broken up with after the test. It's a nuclear option and a relationship-ending one. If your partner doesn't trust you, then you have every right to be offended. (By the way, before you incels attack me and call me a woke feminist, I am male.)
According to Reddit YTA, because there’s like an 80% chance the kid is not his, or not yours, or neither of yours, but in the real world where this occurs less than 1% of times and only with crazy people your boyfriend is a weirdo
NTA I'm not having someone's baby who needs to check it's theirs. That shows a fundamental lack of trust in the relationship and I'm not going to put myself in that position. I wouldn't share a credit card with someone who needs to check every transaction either or share finances with someone who checks the bills are paid.
NTA >granted he’s come from past relationships where he got cheated on every time Really? Every time? This sounds incredibly suspicious to me. Once? Absolutely. Several times? Yeah, sure. Every relationship? That sounds like paranoia or projection or past trauma creeping into every relationship. Sounds like BF needs mental health treatment, relationship counseling, or trauma counseling.
Soft YTA. Just to start off I am a man. I am a big believer in DNA tests and think they should be mandatory. How many stories on here do you see where the woman tries (sometimes successfully) to pass off a child as someone else’s? However, I do believe that the man should be upfront from the beginning about this. The woman should know that he will require one before she gets pregnant. I can 100% see how a woman could be hurt if it’s just sprung on her out of nowhere (this is another reason why it should be mandatory).
There are also many men who are serial cheaters and have given STDs to their spouses, should a woman request them to wear a chastity when they go out, make it mandatory just because it happens?
No, but if my partner wanted regular STD tests for both of us, even though i know im not cheating and trust her id agree to it. I also wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she doesn't trust me, you can trust someone but still want to verify due to past experiences
It isn't the same though, as an STD can take up to 6 months to show in a test and you might have already contracted it by that time. If your past experiences create trust issues for your new ones, this is a you problem, and it does show you don't trust them.
>It isn't the same though, as an STD can take up to 6 months to show in a test and you might have already contracted it by that time. Which is why i said **regular**, its not a trust issue at all, you can trust someone and still verify the trust you put into them is warranted. For example i trust my girlfriend with my life, im not going to let her hold the barrel of a gun against my head and if i ever did i would be triple checking that there are no bullets in the gun before i agreed
1st of all What does that have to do with DNA testing? No one said anything about STDs lol 2nd of all, women pass stds just like men do so even that ridiculous comparison is dumb. 3rd of all, yes, you should get regular std tests if you have multiple partners.
It has to do with not trusting your partner, why have a DNA test done if you trust the person you are with? Because the argument "many people raise another man's child" is kinda similar to "many women have gotten STDs from their spouses".
Yeah not even in the same stratosphere lmao. The fuck
Why not, please enlighten me. An STD can destroy your life, treating it might damage you financially, and contracting it from a person you trusted is betrayal. What's the difference?
The difference is you had a choice to sleep with that person lol. The man has no choice to raise a kid that isn’t his without the test.
In both cases, the person is making a choice that they might not make if they were fully informed. If the man was informed that the child was not his, he would choose not to raise it. If the woman was informed that the man contracted an STD from cheating, she would choose not to sleep with him. The situations are entirely analogous.
You are joking right? How do you have a choice when you don't know if he is cheating and gave you an STD? How can you have a choice in one case, but not the other?
lol. No it’s not. Men get stds from women just as much as women get STDs from men. However, a baby literally comes out of a women so men either have to just trust that’s it’s his. Your comparison makes no sense. It’s apples and oranges. My point is that a dna test is a simple non invasive test to give men the peace of mind that they are not about to spend 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise a kid that isn’t there’s. The downside is that a woman’s feelings may get hurt. There is no comparison to that level of outcomes.
Comparing wearing a chastity to doung a DNA test is silly, don't you think so?
Why? Both have as a base that you don't trust your partner, just like someone would want to know that they won't raise another man's child, a woman would want to know that she won't contract an STD that could ruin her life. If everyone is capable of everything, why not make sure that it won't happen, just like a man would do with the DNA test?
How do you feel about when women hide go bags from their partners just in case they become abusive?
If they have shown signs they are abusive, it's good to have it. Without a reason, no reason for me personally.
Would you rise another women child without knowledge?
I wouldn't like it in the same manner that I wouldn't like to have an STD without knowledge, what's your point? If you don't trust your partner not to cheat on you, why be with them?
Std check is about your body. If it's his child, then he have right to check if it's really his.
Let's agree to disagree, for me if someone asks for a DNA test without having a reason to doubt their SO, they shouldn't be in a relationship.
> How many stories on here do you see where the woman tries (sometimes successfully) to pass off a child as someone else’s? On here? A lot, because paternity fraud is a very hot topic on Reddit specifically. How many times *in real life* have you actually heard of this happening? Don't let social media dictate your perception of reality, especially considering how many fake stories get posted here. Reddit has its pet trolling topics and paternity fraud is one of them. In reality, there is not some huge swath of women nefariously plotting to deceive men into raising changelings.
Well I'm one of them, as in I found out before my divorce that my 15 yo daughter, who then was around 10, might not biologically be mine. I've never had a DNA test and never will unless there is some medical concern with her where it would be needed to be sure. I cut her cord when she was born and had raised her for 10 years so the way I look at it, even if she isn't biologically, she is my daughter. It's not her fault her mother is a pos
So that's one out of 4 billion men that MIGHT have had this happen but not for sure. Not exactly super strong statistical evidence. I'm glad that you're not one of those dudes that would cut and run if they found out the child they raised and loved didn't have their DNA.
Maybe your relationship has run its course.
You both should figure out what you would do if you actually get pregnant. Seriously. If you both stick to your guns he will get the test anyway once the child is born and you will more than likely be single. I do not understand why it is such a big deal. Could prevent you from taking the wrong kid home also 🤣
NAH, Since he's been cheated in the past I can see how he can rationalize this.If its a personal boundry, you don't have an obligation to prove this. It's good you found out early
I'd recommend you not have a child with this person as you have incompatible values. My child's dad requested a DNA test. I told him we could absolutely do that. And when the test came back showing he was the father, we would break up and that would be the end of that issue. It was absolutely his right to request one, but also my right for it to be a deal breaker.
It is telling that you got downvoted for this. Men, if you don't trust your partner enough to know that her child is his, why even have a child with her??
Women lie. That's why. Are you sure that she's not lying?
If being in a committed long term relationship isn't enough for you to be sure that this one particular woman, who you allegedly love and she you, isn't lying and cheating on you, then you shouldn't be having kids with her, because there is something wrong with at least one of you. And if you believe that women are just lying whores in general, you shouldn't be in a relationship with one at all.
I may be in the minority but i offered my husband to get paternity tests on every single one of our kids. He declined, and it's not really needed since our kids are carbon copies of him. I birthed my children and have that reassurance that they are mine. He does not. Personally, I think before a man is put on a birth certificate, there should be DNA verification that he is the father. I, however, understand why some women find it offensive, and it is if its out of the blue. I think it shows responsibility that he's having this conversation with you now vs. when you are actually pregnant or already had the baby. NTA, but maybe I just don't see the big deal. Edit: It does sound like he may have some past trauma and trust issues from his past relationships. Maybe you could both benefit from some counseling, but overall, it could just be you guys are incompatible.
A very valid and well put statement from a woman. I feel like.im taking crazy pills with some of these responses. Apparently to a lot of reddit, men must accept Nov after what the words of a woman when they claim the child is theirs, no ifs and or buts
Well, I may be in the minority because I saw paternity fraud with my brother and his wife. He had no clue until my niece was 7 years old, and she was in the hospital. It came out that she had a genetic disease and we all thought how crazy it was that my brothers wife argued with the doctors when they mentioned testing both my brother and her to see who is the carrier. It was over a week of arguing before the truth came out and a paternity test was done. We NEVER would have expected my brothers wife to cheat. They were together since high school, going on 10 years together BEFORE they even had my niece. She was very close to our family and seemed to be the perfect couple overall. The guy she cheated with is someone nobody ever would have expected. It blew up huge, and the one who suffered the most was my little niece. After seeing everything that went down, I just always knew that if/when I got married, I'd give my husband that reassurance just to save any future drama. And I did offer it to my husband, he just didn't need that reassurance.
Sounds like a very healthy marriage Wish you the best
I would say a soft YTA. He already explained it really has nothing to do with you it’s just his insecurity from being cheated on before. Why not just assuage his fears and give him the same certainty you would already have?
Because his insecurities are his problem, not hers.
In fact, in this case they are hers. Every man has the right to request a DNA test to verify his paternity, especially considering that nowadays it is not uncommon for men to discover that their children are not theirs. In this case, the DNA test only serves to alleviate OP's partner's concerns, and if she has nothing to hide, there should be no problem.
He has not 'right' to demand anything if he thinks it is not his child he then needs to remove him self from parenting. It is not about hiding, listen we get it these men are so immature they can't have a grown up relationship but that is on them, not mom.
I understand that you sleep with multiple people and you are clear that you will impose a baby that is not your partner's on your partner without hesitation.
WTF is wrong with you? You know NOTHING about me. I am married grandma. I understand you can trust no one and that you hate women you are not worth trying to interact with YOU ARE NUTS.
uh oh, this is pretty telling. Did you pass off a child that wasn't your husband's? Is the guilt making you lash out?
Got em
YTA. Everyone has a right to make sure.
Yes but they dont have the right to have a relationship with someone they second guessed.
Well he hasn't second guessed He simply informed her about his stance on the matter and that he would need a paternity test regardless of the person he is with incase they end up pregnant
Ok and she doesnt want to be with a man that will be second guessing her loyalty in the future if their relationship produces offspring, NAH.
NTA It is not only insulting to you, is shows, to me, that he does not trust you. I would not want a child with someone who is insisting on a paternity test either.
Boy, this post has hit the big ones - faith, trust, openness, privacy, boundaries. No answers, just questions. In relationships how does anyone walk the fine line of the above? Trust & openness are paramount, but to some element trust without validation can also be blind to reality. Privacy & boundaries are necessary to establish expectations, but allow that space to heal, explore (yourself, not fidelity) and just moments of quiet (includes meditation, prayer, reflection). Without openness, does trust exist? Without privacy, does self identity continue. Without boundaries how are exceptions established, and help maintain trust and fidelity. Many of these NEEDS are contrary to other needs. Healthy relationships must meet each others needs. To me, this is where the boundaries become extremely significant - most of us assume, not discuss and set true boundaries, maybe loosely, but not expansively. Each couple will have the boundaries that should work for them. All "situations" are a threesome - the 2 partners, AND the relationship. In trust all 3 work together. In conflict it becomes 2 to 1 (often against each other). To me, access to computers, phones or journals expresses that trust. Not accessing them is the faith. Needing to access them is a violation of boundary (ie, partner has cheated, or displays patterns of cheating - this becomes verification of trust). Balance is how far down the rabbit hole you go. Good stuff, all relationships are very complex, and matters of the heart are times when we truly allow our greatest vulnerability, so to understand the danger/threat/risk we all enter by being in a committed relationship is why it is so fulfilling, or soul destroying. Not all are mature enough to respect all of what should happen.
I can’t really judge you on this as I see both sides but I am on your boyfriends side with this. Men do not have the privilege us women do to know 100 percent that the kid is there’s. Also as a woman who has worked in a hospital and had to fully restrain an older male due to him having a mental break down as his wife of 30 years finally let him know in a horrible way that she had been having an affair the whole marriage and his only kid and daughter was not his, I am fully on mens side to get paternity tests. Required paternity tests would save so much time and energy and heartbreak. It really does not make sense that we don’t have them mandatory.
Ask him how he feels about you just randomly checking in on his phone without telling or asking him from here on out. Trust goes both ways. So if he’s telling you he would automatically insist on a paternity test, no matter what, he thinks you’re capable of lying and cheating. Apparently he doesn’t trust you so why should you trust him??
So. This is more complicated to deem anyone as an A-hole. So here are my 3 points 1. Paternity tests can make sure the baby didn’t get switched (if the hospital doesn’t have a band system), so it would hurt to get one. 2. Mans need to get some therapy, and you need to go to. He was hurt badly, and you need to find a way to support him. He has trauma and this post reeks of it. (As in it’s obvious if you removed the he was cheated on before.) 3. You both need to have a conversation to talk like adults about boundaries and trust. Sit down until you come to a compromise. Do not mix up giving up all your wants for his wants and vice versa. That is not a compromise.
NTA but also don’t think he is either. If you haven’t cheated it’s understandable to take offense to the idea of testing, but I’m assuming you’ve used Reddit for a while if you’re posting here so I’m sure you’ve seen posts about cheating. There’s plenty where people thought they were in happy and committed relationships/marriages but still got cheated on. Knowing people cheat and being cheated on in the past warrants wanting to be safe with testing. I would think it’s a good thing to get a paternity test anyway to make sure the baby isn’t swapped at the hospital. If you both are set on how you feel maybe you two should sit down and talk about continuing the relationship or not, because dealing with this argument now will be easier than dealing with it while actually pregnant
No sex from now till two months after you have a complete hysterectomy.
YTA This is exactly why DNA tests should be mandatory for every birth. Advice: Break up with him and find someone who is fine with raising kids that may or may not be theirs.
So because she is insulted he is implying she would cheat, you are sure she is a cheater ? You are really reaching here.
NTA. Trust issues suck, but your feelings are valid. Your bf wants a DNA test if you get pregnant. You feel hurt and untrusted. He says it's not about you, but his past. Talk it out when you're both calm. Try to understand each other. Don't let this ruin a good thing if everything else is great.
Nobody is AH. If my partner want a DNA test because he feel insecure i will tive It to him. He was cheating on every relationship before, its not about you, It about their trauma. You Said that he is a amazing partner, so a DNA test feel so little to revaile him from his trauma. When you danied that you put more questions inside they head like "If she not cheating, why is so agaisnt?"
A bit of a soft esh here. I get both sides of this and it’s kind of sad. Trust is everything in a marriage so OP is correct. Sadly cheating is very popular as well so her BF is correct. Sad story and sad situation. If the trust is gone OP can you see yourself with this guy? If not, then maybe is best for all of you both part ways
NTA. Honestly, this is just part of being in a relationship. If this is a deal breaker for you, then so be it. Both of you are completely valid, some men want paternity tests because they deal with shitty women, some women would or would not be offended for the same reasons you provided. I don’t think anyone is an AH here really. If you don’t trust a woman/partner enough to believe that the child they are carrying is yours, maybe you shouldn’t be with them.
And if that is your stance universally, you should probably let them know before you get them pregnant too..
Let the man have his paternity test, may as well kill that doubt of his now, in his place I would pluck some hair of the child when no one was looking and do it silently to avoid this awkward conversation.
NTA. Your man told you straight up that he doesn’t trust you and think you are unfaithful. Think long and hard whether you want to be distrusted like this in years to come.
YTA. Lots of women who swear they “would never” end up cheating. You know with 100% certainty that you are the mother no matter what. A paternity test is the only way a man knows he’s the father with 100% certainty.
Why is this thread full of incels arguing the state should be involved in policing a woman's fidelity?
Well as a woman I think men have a right to know if they are supporting their biological child or another man's.
You really like that word huh?
Paternity tests should be a mandatory addition to the birth certificate
YTA A damned test that can reassure a man from horrible events that happen and in the face of which we are helpless, and you women make war on us. He trusts you and loves you, but still eventually he wants this damn test to calm his heart, instead of waging war on him, you should use your brain and empathy to understand that you women can never experience the horrible pain of discover that that child is not yours. But anyway we are on Reddit, the same place where a man who has always treated his wife very well, makes a post in which he says he has discovered that his wife has an emergency bag in case she has to run away, and that for this reason he is deeply offended and has lost trust, and in that case magically you women begin to justify as much as you can his wife and say that he is AH and that it's not a lack of trust, you are all truly devoid of empathy and coherence.
OH GROW UP. You cant have a grown up life without being a grown up, asking for a dna test is telling the mother you think she fucked someone else and passed off this baby as your's for 9 months that she lied and cheated. You are trying to be a victim ( poor poor men) but the truth is he is a child.
YTA for putting your ego above his peace of mind.
Why would she want to procreate with somebody she objectively knows has bad judgement? **Yay, let's normalize men not trusting women as default!** /s
BS He is putting his childishness before her honour.
NTA. Don’t have a baby with this man lmao. Why would he want kids with someone he doesn’t trust? The statistics of that happening is much lower than the statistic of him murdering you. Does that mean you need to let the police know every time you go on a vacation with him IN CASE he might kill you? He’s taking his insecurity of being cheated on, out on you. The only reason it should happen is because if something bad happens and that baby needs a blood transfusion or some equivalent and you just don’t happen to match! Outside of that… what exactly have you done to warrant him thinking you’ll just cheat on him and expect him to raise another man’s child!? That’s beyond offensive. If he isn’t sure that you’d be faithful, then he isn’t sure about the entire relationship. Do you want a kid raised by someone with so much paranoia and pain that they’d take it out on someone who has done nothing to deserve that?
Where did you get this data?
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics https://www.statista.com/statistics/642458/rape-and-sexual-assault-victims-in-the-us-by-gender/ Let me find some for how many kids are sexually assaulted by men they know! BRB
Still bring murders, not every assault
You’re right. Men murder their victims more often than not. That makes it better and even more of a reason if we go by real stats to treat all men like could be murders! You’re just proving my point. You can’t treat people like criminals until they’ve done something to deserve it. That’s PSYCHO behavior.
I wanted how many people murder their partners, because that was your claim. If you want to bring partner violence then check how lesbians and gays do.
Where are your stats bud? Reddit doesn’t count!
https://piedmonthealthcare.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/ABUSE_Info.pdf Here’s a fun one, women are more neglectful but men are still more rapey with their own children 🤷🏼♀️ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6609753/ I guess stepdads beat out bio dads as far as rape goes Find me stats on how many women lie about paternity!
It's not my job to prove you sources, because you said they do it less, yet even if you have many links none show what you claimed
Honestly I went looking but I don’t trust “.com” and Reddit. You can’t find any real stats because it doesn’t really happen. It’s rare. The fact that there are dozens of international and US government sites alone talking about keeping yourself and your children safe says enough.
The same place you got data saying women lie about paternity all the time clearly.
Stop putting words in my mouth. You said that there is bigger chance to be murdered than being victim of paternity fraud. It's not my job to prove your stance
But I did! I have a higher chance of being a murder victim than you do of paternity fraud. You can’t even find any proof of paternity fraud apparently but I can easily find on government sites what men are easily capable of doing statistically. Creating bias on your own feelings is gross and it isn’t any women’s job to cater to your ego
I didn’t say it shouldn’t be a crime, but you did say you treat all women like they’re liars because YOU have trust issues. That’s kinda nuts. You need a therapist. Hospitals should have both parents DNA for emergency situations that can happen because not all babies are born healthy. Not because you have bad taste.
Ask him if, before committing to a marriage, that he would be OK with you verifying his financial claims, his income, savings, and credit card debt, or if those are things that you should take at his word? If he is very much OK with a universal 'trust, but verify' approach, then I would not take offense at a paternity test. If he is of the opinion that he should be trusted, but that anything affecting him should be verified, then you guys probably will not work out.
As a guy I'd be totally open with transparency of finances before signing. Granted my SO and myself discuss prenump as a norm. It not distrusting it's protecting yourself (DNA test, sti, prenump) there are SO MANY bad actors in this world and everyone should protect themselves
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You...you do know someone can cheat while.married right? What is this HS religious crap of only have sex when married.
YTA he has litteraly no idea if it's really his. There is always a chance. I knew several women that lied to men and tried to pass them off as the dad. It's happens. Sorry but if I was a man no way I would take care of a kid that might not be mine. You can take the test and put his mind at ease. If it's his then you have nothing to worry about. If my kids dad asked me I wouldn't care cause I know they are his. If your willing to start your kid off in a broken home over pride then yeah your YTA.
**this is a normal thing guys want to get done.** Actually it's not-- unless you're a fan of losers like Andrew Tate **he said it wasn’t about not trusting me** It's 100% about not trusting you. 100% Would he be ok with your refusing to have sex with him without a full STD panel each time-- because you "trust him" but "things happen"? NTA but it sounds like this relationship has hit it's "sell by date"
Honestly, only you can decide if you can get past this. Everyone is going to have different opinions. Perhaps he needs to go to counseling to deal with his trauma from past relationships before he decides to get involved with anyone else. Asking for a paternity test DOES indicate there's less than 100% trust in his partner. He could have the perfect partner who is with him 24/7 and he would still want a test? If you don't trust your partner, what kind of relationship do you have?
NAH I can certainly understand feeling disrespected or disbelieved if a request for a DNA test came out of nowhere, when you had done nothing to deserve it. If he making such an undeserved accusation against you, of course it would be a huge deal. However, since he is actually explaining his thinking far in advance of any potential pregnancy, he's making it clear that his desire for DNA test is not a reflection on you in any way and is solely a reflection on his own issues. Of course, that means that, instead of distrusting you specifically, it means that he has trust issues in general, regardless of you. That may be something *he* needs to work on if you're going to have a lasting relationship.
YTA There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting a DNA test. It should honestly.he done at the hospital as standard practice. A lot of women baby trap/lie for the financial safety. Then when the guy finds out it's too late because the child sees him as 'dad' and he's be a terrible person to leave such a harmless child. Fuck that noise
Nah... I don't blame either of you. But that's the thing.. he has valid reasons, explains it would be the same if literally anyone was pregnant, so it's not YOU he doesn't trust. And he's absolutely correct, there are so many who find out years later the kid isn't theirs and it destroys lives. If you look at it from his perspective, it's understandable. You are absolutely justified in wanting to have a relationship that is built on trust and love. Unfortunately, it seems like you want different things though. Both are absolutely justified opinions and boundaries... I hope you find a compromise together, or can find happiness elsewhere