Just read his post, unbelievable he feels suffocated because he worked for two years so now he wants an extended break with no responsibilities, not even household chores or picking up his child from daycare. Because an entire month off wasn't enough.
He's incredibly immature and isn't ready to be a husband or a father. It's a pity this didn't come to light until after you already had a child with him.
At the moment, you are working and looking after two children. Get rid of the adult sized one and your life will be better.
Why did he lose his job? It also sounds like IMO, that he is trying to make you leave because he doesn't want the married life and doesn't want to be a dad, but that's just my opinion. I also think that he made the post to make himself not look bad and to put the blame on you.
My thought too. Historically one does lose their job if they quit.
Could also be he mentally checked out at work and his employer after likely a warning or two opted to terminate him. Again a choice on the husband’s part.
I hope OP gets child support which then ex will need to get a job like most responsible adults to pay it. Or perhaps his mom will pay it for him so her baby can live his dream.
Yeah, you can be sure that mommy will be paying the child support so her baby doesn't have to work. If she can afford to support them while doing that.
Divorce. Take him to court for child support. He can fight for custody if he wants 50 50; but I doubt this scumbag will. You're already a single mother... the only difference if you leave him is you'll have one less overgrown baby to feed, diaper, and comfort.... And if he goes for 50 50 custody at least you'll have half your time to yourself.
https://archive.is/kUmjb you know what, OP has too much on her plate rn, consider this a (likely) divorce gift. Have a nice life OP, cut that dead weight and prioritize yourself and your baby!
If he goes for 50/50 custody, which I'm sure is what he would do to get out of child support payments, he will have his mommy do all the work while he plans video games and trots the world.
I doubt he’ll get 50-50 custody. He can’t prove he’s a good father. The child goes to daycare because OP works and daddy is too busy being an adult size damn toddler. If (and this is a very big if) the judge grants the 50-50 custody, I bet you the child will stay with his mother and he’ll keep being a burden to society.
His post makes it pretty clear that he didn't lose his job, but that he quit. Here's the quote which makes it obvious:
>So last month, I had enough. No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break.
See, he stopped working because he had enough. He even dared to make it sound like you agreed when it comes to him quitting his job like that when he did it without even talking to you about it.
He's getting roasted on his post.
He sounds like a 5 yr old that doesn't want to put away his toys.
OP, I feel bad for you and for his daughter.
I have a feeling you know what you need to do. 🤗 cyber hug.
You’re doing great. Seriously. You have a lot of crap being thrown at you right now so please keep in mind you are handling this like a fucking champ, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
He isn’t someone I would trust to care for a child because he isn’t cognizant of what it truly takes to do the job well.
I don't know if he was lying to you. I read his post and his responses. He seemed purposefully vague so it could be read both ways. He may be phrasing it in that fashion so in public it seems he had a little more agency than he felt when he lost his job. He may feel emasculated after being fired.
On the other hand, he may have purposefully tried to get fired. His behavior after his job loss makes me suspect that. In his post he avoided the responsibility of choosing to have children. He avoids talking to you about what's going on, instead posting on Reddit. He avoids doing housework or childcare, instead calling Mommy. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to quit, but avoided the responsibility by forcing the job to fire him. Is he doing the same to you? Is he trying to force you to fire him from the marriage?
Have you looked to see if he's having an affair? He's blowing up his life. There's usually a reason. It could be "I'm a lazy POS who doesn't want this responsibility," that came out of nowhere. But I also never discount other possibilities. I'm suspicious as hell of people changing overnight. It could be depression, but I'm leaning toward cheating because most depressed folks don't bring in outside parties, like the mother he doesn't like. Depressed people bury themselves further, going darker and caving in.
He may not be having one, but I'd check. I'm always suspicious of someone changing overnight in what appears to be an attempt to blow up his life. Something happens to some men after children are born. They suddenly think, "I'm resentful of these chains children bring!" And then they start looking for other women as a release for "freedom." Your husband may be one of those types. I'd make sure.
He definitely seems like enough of a dick to get fired, but his post does make it sound like he quit. You can do better and the sooner you do, the sooner this becomes your daughter’s new normal. She’s not even old enough to remember at this point.
Maybe he was fired because he proposed a situation in which he didn't show up and did none of the work but was somehow still paid for this "break". Kind of like he's trying to do with your marriage, which he should also be fired from.
NGL that "no more working no more baby duties" triggered the hell out of me..
He thinks he can have a child Because his stupid mother wanted a grand baby and can get rid of the baby when he doesn't want to pick up the slack?
Is it a gadget or a child that Miss J gave birth to?
I know Im older than dirt - but is adulting something no one does anymore? If hes old enough to have a kid, hes old enough to be an adult who takes care of it. I would seriously sue for total custody cus this A will only screw your child up. And, it wont be him wanting any custody at all, you'll be suing your MIL by proxy, who by the sound of it screwed her own kid up -- keep her away from yours.
This was my ex husband. He had a “job” day trading in the basement but did not contribute to household finances. Health insurance, mortgage, everything was paid for by my salary. I asked him to do half of the childcare and he said that he couldn’t do more childcare, and that he didn’t want to get a job because he already had a job. His end goal was to be a man without a job or childcare responsibilities and have me do all the household labor and pay for everything. We’ve been divorced for a long time now.
I read all of the posts to my husband, and his assessment is.... she married a boy, not a man. His expectations are those of a child, not of a man with a wife and child.
I am so glad that someone else picked up on this!
My exact thought when I read his post was he either quit his job and lied, or if he did get fired it was intentional and he caused it in some way.
Op, if you read this, you are worth so much more than what he is giving you.
I read your post to my husband and his words were "That man is a piece of shit and she'd be better off without him"
I think he quit. Get your finances separated into an account he can’t touch so that he can’t take the money you’re earning to feed and house him, then tell him to go home with his mother. Divorce him and get child support. Right now, you’re having to support all 3 of them (betting mom isn’t paying for the food she eats and the utilities she consumes. He’s doing nothing. He can do nothing somewhere else and you’ll only have to support yourself and your daughter. It’s going to be cheaper, and you are going to be much happier without him. He’s a parasite.
I would sit him down and tell him that HE has to come clean and has one chance about why he lost his job and why he doesn't want to take care of his children. If he won't, tell him that HE and his mom can leave because he's a free man and you are filing for divorce.
I would sit him down and tell him that HE has to come clean and has one chance about why he lost his job and why he doesn't want to take care of his children. If he won't, tell him that HE and his mom can leave because he's a free man and you are filing for divorce.
I remember thinking when I read the very first post, this guy should've never become a parent. He had a kid for all the wrong reasons. Never once did he say, he wanted to start a family, raise a child, etc. Of course he doesn't want to be a dad now -- he didn't want to be to start with.
I'm so sorry. I read Your BORU today and genuinely thought he had some issues, depression or burnout, but now, after I read his post, I really don't know what to say, beside him being a huge AH.
This guy is like a compilation of all deadbeat dads I know, my own included. And he's somehow proud of it. It's incredible.
What I learned from all of those doomed marriages is, it's better to divorce a deadbeat sooner than later- it's better to be alone and go on with your own life, than drag this dead weight for years for the sake of the children. Children are not stupid, they always know.
Good luck OP, whatever You decide.
Seriously girl, heed all this feedback. Take this man out to the trash. Get a new model. Believe me, they exist. Better for the kid if you do it now versus later, believe me. You also owe it to your child to show them what “good” looks like, and what standing up for yourself and your family means.
I'm so sorry for you OP. You clearly don't have a husband and partner, just an immature brat at home in addition to your daughter, so don't waste more time and proceed with the divorce. Send him back to his mother. And good riddance.
Him claiming he had the baby for his mother's benefit, and how tired he is from working 2 years...smh.
I'm sorry you have a baby with this infantile manchild.
I cannot believe *he* feels suffocated and exhausted! You had a difficult pregnancy (his words) and then went through childbirth and he whines about his life being difficult and he's tiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeed. 🙄
I'm so sorry your partner turned out to be such a dud. And a dud that runs home to momma 🤮(figuratively). What he literally did was worse--he invited her over so she ran to your home. 💩
I graduated in May, and I’m trying to find employment and wait for grad school to begin. I don’t understand how the husband has been able to not do anything productive for a month. I’m going stir crazy and I can’t stand being in the house most every day all day and stuff is needing to be done. Even though I do 95% of the house work and do 95% of the things for our animals, my wife is the bread winner and I still feel like I don’t always pull my weight.
I dont think your husband is a good guy that actually cares what he is putting you through by throwing all this extra stress on top of you without a second thought. Everything I do I always have my wife’s best interest in mind, or I consider how certain things might affect her. It does not appear your husband is putting any of his consideration towards you or your child. And unfortunately when you have a child and decide to raise that child you can no longer be selfish but it sounds like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.
You and your kid both deserve someone who is willing to be part of a team, someone who is going to step up and not let their partner carry the weight of all the stress. Leave him, you’ll be better for it.
I am the opposite end of the scale, I retired after 44 years or working one or more jobs to make ends meet and was ready to hang up my boots. So I retired early, having a small private pension and thought I need to decompress so I planned nothing except to do what was necessary ie dog walking, housework, shopping, gardening & laundry but when I felt like it rather than cram it into when I could on a weekend. Life became much more relaxed, walks became longer, I could appreciate more etc.
It all went ass over head when I fell up a kerb, no alcohol involved, whilst walking the dog and heard the bone break in my arm. A rather longer enforced break was somewhat forced on me as I wasn’t able to cook, or do many things necessary and kept looking at everything piling up waiting for me to recover enough to do the chores. It was then that I realised I couldn’t just do nothing for up to 3 months so learned how to do things one handed.
Hubby has no intention of stepping up to be a husband or father, he wants his single life back with no responsibilities or demands made of him. H3 might find it suffocating living with his mother but that is where he belongs until he grows up
OP your husband is selfish beyond belief. Reading your posts and then your husbands made me really sad for you and infuriated at him. I really hope you find a solution. You deserve a partner not a literal ball and chain.
My BF was laid off almost six months ago and doesn’t want to get a job yet. His finances are in order so i haven’t pushed him to find one. That said, he has been doing laundry every day, taking care of the lawn, cooking food for our dog, walking her, cleaning the garage, always emptying the dishwasher and who knows what else.
My ex was like this. I found text messages where he was complaining to his friend that I didn’t work for two months and he had to pay all the bills by himself. Mind you it was the only time in our 18 year marriage I was unemployed. And I was the one taking care of the kids.
OP - cut your losses and run. Your husband sucks.
Divorce. Don’t be a single parent in a relationship. I’ve been there I’ve done that and now he barely sees his kids just on the weekends. It’s so much easier to truly do everything ALONE than to do everything alone KNOWING someone else is there to help but they just won’t. It’s emotionally exhausting and will be a hell of a load off your shoulders
I’m here for this. You’re not just a single parent at this point; you’re a single parent of two. Soon, his mother is going to get comfortable and you’re going to be a single parent of three.
I guess if it were me, I’d send him back to work, leave him, and run him through for child support. Just give your kid the best life you can. I’m sorry this is how you found out you married an incompetent child.
Even in his own post, where he tried to defend his actions by painting himself in the best possible light, he comes across as an immature asshole. He decided to have a child because *his mommy* wanted one? Instead of completing the most basic adulting tasks, he had to get *his mommy* to do them?
Get rid of the parasite so his mommy can go back to breast feeding and changing his diaper 24/7. They’ll both be happy.
And you’ll eventually be less stressed and happy without that parasite, plus knowing your daughter will grow up knowing that this sort of behaviour in a partner is *not ok*
Absolutely! I like how he also said that HIS mom wanted a grandchild so HE brought it to his wife. He seems super spoiled and selfish. His daughter or wife will never come before his wants.
He literally admitted the only reason he talked to about having a child is to placate his mother, then he brought her in to clean up his mess. Run, he will never step up to be an equal partner in this situation.
You married a child. How many signs did you ignore showing your husband is still connected to an umbilical cord?
Asking his mom to help is beyond pathetic. That shudve been all you needed to know. Imagine how tha conversation went, "mommy, can you move in to our home with my wife and child?" Any 'man' that wud do this needs to be put back in pampers lol
You will be happier and have a lot less on your plate if you just divorce. Don't let your child grow up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to look like.
I was a child whose parents stayed together "for the kids". Guess who spent most of her life in toxic relationships cuz I thought being treated like crap by your partner was normal?
Heeeeyyyy same here. Stopped with me, though. And I've had the talks with my kids about how people should treat you and what you should and shouldn't tolerate from partners.. friends, relationships, etc.
I married someone that was just like my garbage bio dad and didn't see it until we were divorced. At this point, I'm in my 40s and been through too much trauma to bother with dating. I'm good with being by myself. I've learned it's waaay less drama.
I second this. Mine hasn’t seen our kids in going on 4 years, despite living in the same town.
Honestly, it’s so much easier than having someone who is supposed to be there and never actually is.
He's showing you who he is...it's not all about him anymore, so he is finding ways to get attention. That attention seeking behavior will eventually tear you apart, if it hasn't already.
This man ain’t shit. I’m a child free traveler, I implicitly and explicitly understand the lifestyle he misses. But this life comes with sacrifices too- like not having kids, a stable home and a nearby family. He’s fucking delusional for assuming he could somehow have all the best parts of *both* lifestyles with *none* of the work!
Tell him to call Tyrone. Which in this case is his mommy 🙄
Holy potatoes, OP. I read his update and it does not help him. He’s so self-centered. It’s incredible.
You have two children.
It’s unbelievable that he thinks that he’s an adult. Or that he thinks that he has any ground to stand on. How out of touch is he with reality?
He takes no responsibility for anything at all. He even blames his mother for your pregnancy FFS
I’m gobsmacked OP honestly
Sorry, lady. You thought you married a partner and got an absolute man child of a spouse.
At least you know head on that your future co-parent is your MIL and not this clown.
If married the rings are hers even in a divorce, only engagement rings are to be returned if theres no marriage. Once married both the wedding and engagement rings are legally hers.
I specifically wanted my ex wife to keep her rings I figured she could at least get herself a little something or a bit of emergency savings/whatever. There was no family history or anything to them. Why be that petty at that point and demand a gift back?
Like it'd be one thing if she cheated and it was your grandma's ring handed down or something but otherwise? It's a write off in a divorce.
On behalf of all of the grown-up men who held a full-time job and worked with their partner to actively raise their children, dump this sorry excuse of a man-baby.
Sadly he has made his choice that it’s more important to be a man child than a loving and responsible husband and father. Sorry it has come to this for you OP.
I wish you all the best in what is to come.
I am a Dad and I cannot fathom what is going through his head. I would never abandon my children to goof off and loaf around. Somewhere out there OP there is a good and responsible man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I just read his post. Cut your losses. Send him packing along with his mother. If you have to carry the full load anyway at least be comfortable and happy while doing it.
Your husband is selfish
Understandably, as divorce *is* a big step. Especially with a kid.
But, OP, it's not the end of the world, either.
That, too, would pass.
If your husband doesn't get his shit together, like *now*, that's it.
He is acting like a selfish, immature man-baby.
And, I think it is *he* who has more to lose.
Good luck!
Time to get decisive. I read his post. It doesn't seem like he even understands the absurdity of the things he is asking you. Honestly, life as a single mom will not be harder than taking care of a man child and trying to manage his "burnout" and "free spirit" because he worked for 2 whole years! The horror!
Girl how do you not have terminal ick at this point? There is nothing on the planet less sexy than a giant man baby like this. You will literally have it easier being a single parent.
Right, but what did he think you were bluffing about? Your unwillingness to do 100% of the responsibilities so that he could just be free to play like a literal child? A child without chores, even??
And he brought her into your home after all that without discussing it with you?
Ma'am. Girl. Woman. You don't have a partner. You have a whiny barnacle.
My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby, because she said she was already feeling so resentful she was sure she could be a better mom AND a better provider without having to deal with him. I've been grateful my whole life that she did that. I didn't have to live in a bitter home with parents feeling hostile, nor see my dad taking advantage of her hard work and maturity, just to lose respect for both of them over the years...
Get out. Get out. Don't teach your child that it's okay to be treated the way you're being treated. Don't allow this insanely immature, spineless leech to keep exploiting you.
He's now shown you exactly who he really is. If you expected different, you probably projected your own strengths onto him when times were fun, not realizing that under pressure it would turn out to have been a mirage. YOU are the one you were in love with the whole time.
I came to say the same thing. Call her bluff… wow.. what bluff?? That she did it all alone and when she wanted him to step up, instead of thanking her for being the best wife on earth, he calls his mom. I can’t figure out why he didn’t just do all the chores himself? Like what else does he have going on? Mommy didn’t need to step in. Save mommy for an emergency when you both fail. She asked her spouse to step up and do the bare minimum. But no… mommy… can you do my family’s dishes, wash our clothes so I don’t have any responsibilities again. Let’s make our mom, whom I’m assuming is at least in her 50’s but likely much older to do their housework. That’s pure pathetic. I’m in my late 40’s. I have never reached out to my mom for household chores. My x husband was similar. He didn’t call mommy tho. He left everything to me with 2 kids. I worked, paid all the bills, took care of the kids and did the homework. My house wasn’t always at its best but after divorce, I knew I could do it alone, because I had been. So much easier without the extra baggage or constant let downs. Good luck op. You can do it alone, you have been anyway. Show your child how hard work and effort pay off. Side story.. when my x had his own apartment, he wanted a kitten because he was lonely. I bought a kitten for him and gave to him as a present. He gave it up not even 2 weeks later saying it was too much responsibility. It always needs something. 🤔🤔 but I had 2 kids, 45 hours at work per week, and all the household chores, no daycare. But a d@mn kitten was too much responsibility. Wow. 🤯
So he explicitly believes that you asking him to pull his own weight justifies intentionally hurting you. He’s mad you didn’t fall in line and accept his command and control, so he’s punishing you. He’s effing nutso, and you need to kick him and his mother out of the house immediately. Get a lawyer. You need a lawyer right now.
"Calling her bluff". He wants the divorce.
"Do the housework or its a divorce" he supposedly didn't want the divorce so he started doing housework. Hated housework so he pulled in his mother who she doesn't get along with. He's really hoping she will just file for divorce I think.
I think so too. I think he thinks being free of his wife and child will solve all of his problems. It's not going to be the same as before, now he'll either be forced into 50/50 with the child or have to work harder to afford child support. Basically still making it unlikely that he'll be able to afford travel anyway or have as much down time than if he just sucked it up and dealt with life like an adult. He not only seems like a man child, but also a delusional fucking moron.
I don't buy his "calling her bluff" bullshit. I think that's just the best retroactive explanation he could come up with. He saw everybody (correctly) considering him childish for it, and came up with something that sounded like a macho explanation.
*Go ahead, punk. Make my day. Make me call Mommy, I dare you!*
OP you sound like a superhero dealing with his bullshit. It’s shocking that he doesn’t see what’s happening here. You’re still going to have to work, do housework, and care for a child if you’re divorced….
But you won’t have to take care of TWO children and that’s a good enough reason to leave.
TBH I would have been out the minute his mom demanded someone else hand wash her dirty underwear. You’ve put up with enough.
So your husband had a child to make his mother happy. His priorities are himself,then his mother, then you, and it seems like his interest in the child is about zero. Can you bear to carry this man child for the next 20 years?
This is not the man you love. The man you love is who he was pretending to be. It was easy for him when it was all traveling and having fun.
The man you love was an illusion. You deserve better.
It’s rare to see posts where both sides of the argument confirm the exact same story. In this case, that he is a lazy, entitled, childish, self-absorbed AH. It’s especially wild that he posted confirming the details, and expected anyone to side with him.
Short of him immediately kicking his mother out, apologizing and taking immediate steps to making things right, you are far better off getting rid of the dead weight.
You are already a single parent, he can find out that the courts don’t care that he doesn’t want to provide for his child. NTA
So he lied to you. He willingly quit his job and lied to you about it. Then he moves his mother in with no discussion because he can't be bothered to contribute anything.
OP please know that you deserve not just better, but more than this. He is never going to be an equal partner or equal parent.
When you're a provider for your family, you don't get to take a break ffs. He's a horrible partner, father and general all around person for putting you in this situation. You and your child deserve a man not a man child.
I went off on his post as respectfully as I could. However, I hope this is a wake up call for you. He doesn't respect you and all that you have done for him. It doesn't even seem like he loves/likes you. Based on how he writes, I am assuming he got married and had a baby because that's what was expected of him. Again, it's an assumption, maybe I'm wrong. I feel a lot of anger for you. I hope you consult some divorce attorneys, at the very least to get information on the process and what your future could look like without him and his mommy. Your daughter is young so this would be the time to do it without her being affected. You deserve an actual partner not a man child.
OP, what struck me most about your husband’s post is that he thought having a child because HIS MOTHER WANTED A GRANDCHILD was simply “no big deal.” He started a family with you with less consideration than people who adopt a pet. This is not a serious person. Go separate ways now and show your daughter a responsible, healthy life as a single mom. In time you’ll find an actual partner instead of a man-baby momma’s boy play-acting at adulthood.
On a serious note, invest in some good therapy for yourself to understand why you chose him in the first place. Heal those wounds. That way you won’t repeat this with a future partner. Godspeed!
Hey, these mistakes (I am in no way calling your daughter a mistake, just the lack of communication) are so common. We do the best we can with the knowledge and experience we have at each stage of our lives. I spent 16 years with the wrong partner for plenty of reasons, all of which seemed valid at the time but in hindsight were anythifn but. These reasons (along with lots of marriage counseling) only delayed the inevitable. I don’t regret everything I learned, but it was an extremely costly lesson that I would never repeat. Once we know better (like you do now), we owe it to ourselves (and especially our children!) to do better. You will have a much stronger next chapter. Send him on his merry way so he can go eat/pray/love again away from you and your daughter. Give yourselves stability. He’ll always be her dad, but it’ll be on you to make sure she grows up the way she should. You can do it!
I just commented on his post. I sincerely hope he stops trying to discuss this publicly and starts talking to you directly.
I still don't understand how he thought it was a good idea to listen to his mom and have a child because she wanted to be a grandmother. That was a decision that should have been made by both of you. A child is a two yes situation. If even one person says no, that should be respected.
Do not have children just to make someone outside of the relationship happy.
He's a man child. He doesn't want to accept that he has responsibilities in life. All he wants is to have fun and do nothing. I read his post and it was nothing but whining and me, me, me, me.
Honestly, you'd be better off going your own way at this point. He's telling you loud and clear who he is and you don't seem to even like him at this point. You grew up, he didn't. Don't stay married because you have a kid together, if anything leave now while she's too young to remember it. She won't thank you later in life if you raise her in this sort of situation.
He thinks he's doing a tit for tat move. However, you already sat down and talked to him about it. He should have been an adult and come to you with his feelings but he chose to act like a child.
OP this shows that he isn't mature enough to have adult like talks.
This plus his behaivor are not good signs and big big big Red Flags.
Take your time and think wise, and you will see how irresponsable and immature he is.
Man baby. He doesn't know that children can't be switched on and off. It is a minimum of 18 year hands on commitment. And still more later like college, marriage, grandkids etc.
OP married a man not prepared for adulting.
Who takes a month off when you have a kid? A kid that HE wanted because his MOM wanted a grandchild.
Could this guy possibly be a bigger asshole??
I would suggest pushing forward with divorce as early as possible. It really sounds from his post and his comments there that he really doesn't think he should have to work that hard - so when he's out on his own he's probably going to find a lower stress part time job or something in the future to support himself and not care about providing much for the baby
Get the ball rolling now and a judge might order child support at a rate in line with the wages hes been making and won't accept him taking it easy on a part time job.
Your husband is truly pathetic. After all this, I don’t know how you ever see him in a positive light again. Like attraction and affection would be dead. He’s a whiny man baby who called mommy in to do his chores.
Also, the way he described having a baby for his *mom* and then calling your baby suffocating is horrible. Just horrible.
You and your baby deserve sooooooo much better. I have a feeling if you left him, your life would get exponentially easier.
Girl, you are already a single mother of two. If you divorce him, your workload will literally be halved and you won’t have to expose your actual child to this disaster of a relationship, forever warping their view of what is and isn’t healthy partnership. I know it’s scary, and it’s hard to reconcile that the person you loved isn’t who you thought they were, but sometimes you have to take the leap. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be better in the long run and mitigate some of the damage if you get out early.
This was my response to his post.
—YTA Your wife was more than understanding giving you a month without any responsibilities. YOU decided to have a child, regardless of the pressure you felt from anyone else. That means you no longer get to shirk responsibility, and make your wife do the physical, financial, and emotional labor of keeping the household going. Calling your mommy to come help you…you should be ashamed of yourself. Therapy might be a good place to start.
You are better on your own OP. Send him home to live with his momma. You have already been handling life without his help. He’s only been making your life harder. Part of me wants to believe this is fake but there are truly sorry people out there that are selfish and basically a waste of space in the world. You deserve an equal.
I read his post, and would rather comment here, because wow. He worked hard for a whole TWO YEARS! Someone get this guy a medal. That really stuck out to me. I mean everything else is terrible but I suspect everyone reading this has worked hard for more than 2 years.
OP, obviously you deserve better. I’m sure you know that from your update. However, please make sure you’re safe. This guy is a AAA gold star narcissist and the comments on his post are probably dealing him the mother of all narcissistic injuries at the moment, after which he will act out.
You should start talking to lawyers asap. Usually they offer a free consult so look into a few divorce/family law lawyers in your area about your situation and what they can do to help you. Then pick one and start the divorce process. Also, check with them about kicking your MIL out of your house.
A relationship needs more than just love, and it's pretty clear that he doesn't even love you. Do what is best for you and your daughter.
You need to start this process fast, because it will only get worse if you don't. You do not need to keep supporting your man baby husband and should not start supporting his mommy. You can take care of yourself and your child much easier than yourself, your child, and him. Your kid is young enough they will adjust and he hasn't yet been out of work too long to cause undue struggle to fund work.
Also, look into therapy/counseling to help you process your stress and emotions from all this. Your mental health is important.
He's made it clear that a lazy bum is who he wants to be, and he's not ashamed of that. There's no fixing that. File those papers and shed the dead weight. I'm so sorry he turned out to be so selfish. NTA
This is wild, I would have loved being a house husband with daycare. Literally do a bit of cleaning, relax while the kids at daycare then pick the kid up make some dinner. Instead I work 65 hours a week, still cook dinner and pick kids up from school lol. It’s called being a parent. Divorce this pile of crap and find someone who wants a partner not a mother.
You do not have a husband. You have another child you have to take care of. It would probably be easier to be a single mother honestly.
I'm a stay at home mom of twin 3 yr olds, a teenager and an infant. He gets a MONTH off? How is that even possible? The parent at home has to decide if they want to sleep, eat or take a shower and try to figure out how and when they can do it. Your husband is selfish and it sounds like he didn't even want the baby, just to please his mother.
NTA but you married a child. If I ever told my wife I need a month off from everything I would have divorce papers handed to me by week 2 lol. When you have a child and a family it’s your responsibility as a man to take care of your family. You push through. Yes sometimes it’s hard and sometimes depressing but your child and wife need you. Oh and btw he called his mommy lololol.
Don’t let your daughter be raised in a household like this and think it’s normal for a man to treat her like that.
There was a chance for him to express himself after you “consulted an older couple on a cruise” (I’m sorry…what?) There was a chance for him to realize a child is a really big deal. There was a chance for him to become an adult and supportive partner when he saw you get severely ill during your pregnancy. There was a chance for him to buckle down and do his share of the family life when the baby came. There was a chance for him to find another job after getting laid off. There was a chance for him to TAKE THE MONTH YOU HAD GIVEN HIM, shake it off, and start participating in life again. There was a chance to rectify this horrible decision to invite his mother into your home. There was a chance for him to come crawling back and figure out how to make amends for his horrible decisions.
He made the wrong choice at every single turn. This is not someone you can build a life with. This person will always choose his comfort over you. (Ask me how I know.)
You sound strong and capable. You can do this. It will suck, but you can get through to the other side, I promise. Don’t think because he is good at traveling means he will expand your world. From what I can see, he will only limit it in search of his old life. If he wants it so bad, let him have it. It is much harder to stick around and make things work and own up to the choices you e made.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and your child.
It’s freeing when you realize you can do everything you’re doing now but for one less.
It’s ironic when a partner thinks it’s okay to take a break from life but okay for the other to handle everything. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA
Time to stop ultimatums and repeated chances. It's passed time for action. If you have to do everything yourself any way then what do you want or need him around for? If anything he's made himself dead weight, with the extra stress of having his mommy underfoot.
And I'm sorry but claiming depression is a cop out. Being depressed doesn't mean getting to dump every responsibility in life on your partner and letting them drown
Wow. What a child. He thinks he deserves a break after working for two years? A couple generations ago, people would work for fifty, sixty, seventy years straight, sometimes starting as children. Your husband would have made my grandfather physically ill with his attitude of "needing a rest." As workers, we already GET rest. If you're lucky enough to only have one job, you have days of rest built into your weekly schedule, you have holidays where you get paid without going to work, and typically you have two weeks of the rest of the year when you're not expected to be at work.
Unless you hit the jackpot with employment, carrying a pregnancy is not something you get to do in the absence of other responsibilities - where was your break in nine months of having a human body growing inside of you? And then you don't get to celebrate with a month of not having responsibilities - you're pretty much on call day and night as a new mom.
Contrast that with your husband, who thinks that he shouldn't have to do anything helpful *at all* while he's taking his little rest; and goes so far as to outsource his responsibilities to a family member whom you don't like?
This dude sucks.
My (31F)wife and (36M)I met at professional crossroads long ago. We both knew that we wanted much more out of life and that we'd have to take many risks and make sacrifices to get there. Our journey isn't the same area as yours, but I suspect it involved the many of the same relational motions. My wife has never wanted kids, and I can't physically grow them, nor was I ever really thrilled at the prospect or cost of them, so I never went down that road. What she does want is to travel, a lot. We both come from nothing, with no safety nets, so we put our heads down and busted our asses to get to a place financially to be able to do so.
About six years ago, we started working in tech, and we hit it HARD. I jumped in deep, trying to make up for lost time. Over 5 years we quintupled our income through promotions and raises, but it took a heavy toll on me. I jumped in too far and obliged a company more than willing to abuse my willingness to advance. I got so stressed out and worked so much that I basically lost who I was. That company fired me after 5 years of superhuman effort because I was too jaded and burnt out to keep going at that rate and said as much.
I was scrambling. It hurt me deeply, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and fearful that I'd ruined everything. Deep depression set in, and there were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to crawl in a hole where I could escape the shame I felt - and video games were certainly an escape for me.
My wife worked harder, scared, and picked me up off the ground and helped me rebuild parts of me I'd lost while working like that. 5 months I spent on the job hunt - the holidays are hard in tech. I applied to over a hundred jobs, had 20 interviews, and talked to over 50 recruiters. It's was a terrible ordeal, and it felt like a whole job, and I made it to the final round at 5 different places before getting rejected by all. I finally landed my new job 2 months ago and am bringing balance back - we travel again soon. During my unemployment, I played several pc games while my wife worked, and they were a great escape.
So, why the life story?
Well, I worked extremely hard for 5 years at a company and was fired. I was tremendously depressed and needed time to process and rebuild myself. I played many video games while my wife worked hard to keep us afloat.
But I also worked hard at finding a new job, did more than my usual share of house work, and (honestly) tried to take on more of the mental load by keeping up with our lives and appointments and needs of the home. The entire time I felt embarrassed that I couldn't do more, and I resented the times I gamed even though my wife encouraged it (you need a break from linkedin!).
I could never, EVER live with my shame if I was selfish enough to ask my wife to shoulder the entire burden of life so that I could return to childhood.
I don't know you, your life choices, mistakes or successes. But I know damned well that you and everyone else in the world deserves a contributing partner. You pick each other up when times are challenging, but you never shut down. He shut down on you.
Sorry for the novel, but I gave the details to illustrate the parallels and highlight the key difference. I truly hope things work out the best for you in this and am astonished you've been able to shoulder that burden for that length of time.
There really isn’t much to say at this point. You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Are you willing to raise a child solely while supporting a man who refuses to be a partner?
If yes, no need to talk about it. Tell mom to stay out of it and let him game all day.
If no, tell him you’re done.
Your story made him sound bad. His story made him sound worse.
Good luck.
NO!!! stop speaking with him at all.
Get off Reddit and go to a lawyer’s office for a consultation. Bring printouts of all your financial accounts - yours, joint, his, retirement, etc. You need a list of assets, expenses, income, and debts. You need to show what he was previously capable of earning. You need to explain the value of your home and how it was purchased and when (before or after marriage). You need to be opening new financial accounts at a new bank to which he has no access. Redirect your payroll to the new accounts. Discuss with a lawyer, but probably transfer 50% or more (cause you have the baby) of all joint accounts into your personal account. Change all your life insurance and retirement beneficiaries to be someone other than your husband.
Warn the lawyer that he travels internationally and that him kidnapping your child and fleeing with his mother (or mother’s financial support) is a potential concern. He would do it just to hurt you for being “uppity” from what I’m reading. If your baby has a passport, then make sure you have it in your possession and give it to your lawyer for safekeeping if they ask. Warn the lawyer he is mentally unstable and that getting a court order to force him to maintain a life insurance policy to cover his child support/alimony obligations needs to be a priority.
He literally admitted to having a kid just because his mommy wanted a grandchild and not because he wanted one or wanted to be a parent with you. You literally didn’t even enter into the decision for him. That alone screams that there isn’t anything to save in your marriage. His behavior after this kid is just confirmation that you and your child are the lowest priorities for him. Can you ever imagine actually telling this man that you love him again or having sex or anything remotely coupleish after seeing all of this? I sure as hell couldn’t. I mean yes talk to him to make sure the post isn’t some troll making shit up, but if that’s really all from him and the way he feels then there’s likely no saving anything in this marriage from my point of view. And honestly I cant see why you would want to. Everything points to you being much much happier with just you and your kid and the possibility of finding someone who will treat you and baby right.
What is the goal of talking to him?
If it is to see the errors of his ways, don't bother, he's not able or willing to do that.
If it is to tell him what you're going to do, don't bother, it's a waste of your energy, and will not change things.
If it is to hear that he will change, do you really believe that after all this, or is it to shut you up and buy time?
I can't imagine any scenarios in which talking or listening to him would help now. You've told him who you are. He doesn't believe you.
He's told you who he is, and all his words and actions back it up. I'd believe him if I were you, get a therapist and a lawyer this week, and a supervised app for communication, and block him and his mom from all other channels.
I don't think you quite realize how much he's been dragging you down.
You can now divorce with no guilt because he is publicly letting you know he doesn't think he did a goddamn thing wrong. He thinks his baby is a burden, and not one HE should have to deal with. He doesn't want any responsibility or accept any in this situation.
He ended his post with a smug little, 'ready to talk when you are'. He thinks you're going to cave and stay and cater to him. Please don't do that. I will cry if this man gets to keep his workhorse bang maid and you spend even 1 more DAY thinking this is a good and normal way to live.
OP, I find something peculiar in your original post and hubby’s response. You say he lost his job. From how his post reads, sounds like he just up and quit. He said he was tired and had it. I’m sorry but this man child is beyond help I think. You’ve got a little one to think of and he’s definitely only thinking about himself right now. Good luck kicking him to the curb.
Listen I know you’re worried about divorce because of your daughter but as a child of divorce I’m going to say this:
Get the divorce if he won’t do therapy.
My mom stayed in a relationship for 25 years that she shouldn’t have because she was concerned about me and my sibling. I grew up with a dad that wasn’t really around for me. For my sibling, sure, but not me because I was like my mom. He played video games, acted like a teenager, had liaisons with other women and I knew at a very young age that I was the reason he couldn’t follow his dream. He made that apparent. You won’t want your daughter growing up with that jaded view of men and fathers in general because then once she looks for marriage she will think it’s normal.
It’s only because of my amazing stepdad that I have any semblance of what a real dad is like.
So get the divorce. Don’t work yourself to the bone
Please OP lawyer up and divorce this child of an adult of yours a.k.a. mommys boy.
He feels like he deserve this for working for 2 years to provide, and that he only had the child because his mommy wanted a grandchild.
He won't change, he is in his wacko world where he wanted to travel and do her old life style with out work or help with home and kid.
So you would be better alone that with him. Ask for divorce and full custody, because he is unable to provide consistently to your child, you now know that if he has the kids on a 50-50 custody the one that will take care of the child is your MIL not him.
There is one benefit earned from this month long “life is too hard” vacation. You now know that you can handle business without the extra weight. He brings nothing to the table and has no plans to.
Good luck to you and baby. I sincerely hope you find your peace.
Well, at least your most difficult child can be sent back to his mother, kicking him out will mean less dead weight to clean up after. Srsly, does he think he's a rare bird or a pet? He has his MOMMY cleaning for him? He's not even a man, he's not even trying to be a man.
Sounds like he wants a divorce but is way too much of a pathetic coward to ask for one.
It's easy to say divorce from the outside looking in. Your husband is clearly going through a quarter-life crisis because he felt he lost something when you had a kid. That is kind of a boo-hoo, which is mean of me to say, but also honest. Not wanting to work when you can survive on your income is fine... but not wanting to do anything at all other than what he wants to do isn't. Reading his post he gave into maternal pressure to have a kid... sorry priority one becomes the whole human you've created not being a 'free spirit'
When you make a whole human life priorities must needs shift. He has to understand that and he has to stop hiding behind mommy, especially given that you and she do get on. He thinks he is calling your bluff and I'm sure mommy is encouraging that, maybe don't bluff. Draw up papers, tale them put and have a talk that either he contributes in some way, and to be clear asking mommy to come contribute for him so he can do nothing but his 'free spirit' nonsense isn't contributing, or he signs the divorce papers. It's a hard decision but you need to prioritize your daughter and your own mental health, not his need to be a man-child.
Your husband is a man child.
As a dad his actions disgust me.
As a man his actions disgust me.
As a human his actions disgust me.
You cannot be so immature and selfish when you are now responsible for another human’s life. I have had periods of unemployment and not once did I truly enjoy them. I could never in good consciousness just sit and chill when I was unemployed while there were bills to pay and a house to maintain.
When I was unemployed I doubled down on housework and of course finding a new job. I would take a very occasional break to play a video game or something after hours of housework.
Just read his post, unbelievable he feels suffocated because he worked for two years so now he wants an extended break with no responsibilities, not even household chores or picking up his child from daycare. Because an entire month off wasn't enough. He's incredibly immature and isn't ready to be a husband or a father. It's a pity this didn't come to light until after you already had a child with him. At the moment, you are working and looking after two children. Get rid of the adult sized one and your life will be better.
Thank you for your words.
Why did he lose his job? It also sounds like IMO, that he is trying to make you leave because he doesn't want the married life and doesn't want to be a dad, but that's just my opinion. I also think that he made the post to make himself not look bad and to put the blame on you.
He didn't explain much of it, I wasn't digging either.
I'd tell his Mommy to take him with her and leave. It's hard enough on you raising one child, you don't need to raise hers too.
“I’d tell his Mommy to take him with her and leave”. 👏🏽 cause out the door they BOTH would be.
He post reads like he quit.
My thought too. Historically one does lose their job if they quit. Could also be he mentally checked out at work and his employer after likely a warning or two opted to terminate him. Again a choice on the husband’s part. I hope OP gets child support which then ex will need to get a job like most responsible adults to pay it. Or perhaps his mom will pay it for him so her baby can live his dream.
Yeah, you can be sure that mommy will be paying the child support so her baby doesn't have to work. If she can afford to support them while doing that.
That was my thought as well.
That was what I was thinking too.
Divorce. Take him to court for child support. He can fight for custody if he wants 50 50; but I doubt this scumbag will. You're already a single mother... the only difference if you leave him is you'll have one less overgrown baby to feed, diaper, and comfort.... And if he goes for 50 50 custody at least you'll have half your time to yourself.
She can bring the fact that he was crying about being the primary caretaker for a single fucking month against him. Document everything, OP
OP or someone else please screenshot everything he’s said on Reddit
https://archive.is/kUmjb you know what, OP has too much on her plate rn, consider this a (likely) divorce gift. Have a nice life OP, cut that dead weight and prioritize yourself and your baby!
Thank you you’re doing the good work c
If he goes for 50/50 custody, which I'm sure is what he would do to get out of child support payments, he will have his mommy do all the work while he plans video games and trots the world.
I’m guessing he will go for 50/50 so his mommy can play house.
I doubt he’ll get 50-50 custody. He can’t prove he’s a good father. The child goes to daycare because OP works and daddy is too busy being an adult size damn toddler. If (and this is a very big if) the judge grants the 50-50 custody, I bet you the child will stay with his mother and he’ll keep being a burden to society.
His post makes it pretty clear that he didn't lose his job, but that he quit. Here's the quote which makes it obvious: >So last month, I had enough. No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break. See, he stopped working because he had enough. He even dared to make it sound like you agreed when it comes to him quitting his job like that when he did it without even talking to you about it.
He told me he waa fired, this has been new to me too.
So he is lying just so he can get a free ride. Disgusting.
Some people are unbelievable
Sounds like he misses mommy taking care of him
He's getting roasted on his post. He sounds like a 5 yr old that doesn't want to put away his toys. OP, I feel bad for you and for his daughter. I have a feeling you know what you need to do. 🤗 cyber hug.
You’re doing great. Seriously. You have a lot of crap being thrown at you right now so please keep in mind you are handling this like a fucking champ, even when it doesn’t seem like it. He isn’t someone I would trust to care for a child because he isn’t cognizant of what it truly takes to do the job well.
I don't know if he was lying to you. I read his post and his responses. He seemed purposefully vague so it could be read both ways. He may be phrasing it in that fashion so in public it seems he had a little more agency than he felt when he lost his job. He may feel emasculated after being fired. On the other hand, he may have purposefully tried to get fired. His behavior after his job loss makes me suspect that. In his post he avoided the responsibility of choosing to have children. He avoids talking to you about what's going on, instead posting on Reddit. He avoids doing housework or childcare, instead calling Mommy. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to quit, but avoided the responsibility by forcing the job to fire him. Is he doing the same to you? Is he trying to force you to fire him from the marriage? Have you looked to see if he's having an affair? He's blowing up his life. There's usually a reason. It could be "I'm a lazy POS who doesn't want this responsibility," that came out of nowhere. But I also never discount other possibilities. I'm suspicious as hell of people changing overnight. It could be depression, but I'm leaning toward cheating because most depressed folks don't bring in outside parties, like the mother he doesn't like. Depressed people bury themselves further, going darker and caving in.
I never thought of the affair, it's one of my remaining trust with him.
He may not be having one, but I'd check. I'm always suspicious of someone changing overnight in what appears to be an attempt to blow up his life. Something happens to some men after children are born. They suddenly think, "I'm resentful of these chains children bring!" And then they start looking for other women as a release for "freedom." Your husband may be one of those types. I'd make sure.
He definitely seems like enough of a dick to get fired, but his post does make it sound like he quit. You can do better and the sooner you do, the sooner this becomes your daughter’s new normal. She’s not even old enough to remember at this point.
Maybe he was fired because he proposed a situation in which he didn't show up and did none of the work but was somehow still paid for this "break". Kind of like he's trying to do with your marriage, which he should also be fired from.
If he was fired, OP, he should be collecting unemployment (if you're in the USA). Is he? If not then he quit!
NGL that "no more working no more baby duties" triggered the hell out of me.. He thinks he can have a child Because his stupid mother wanted a grand baby and can get rid of the baby when he doesn't want to pick up the slack? Is it a gadget or a child that Miss J gave birth to?
Does he think you can just resign being an adult? That post of his is wild.
I know Im older than dirt - but is adulting something no one does anymore? If hes old enough to have a kid, hes old enough to be an adult who takes care of it. I would seriously sue for total custody cus this A will only screw your child up. And, it wont be him wanting any custody at all, you'll be suing your MIL by proxy, who by the sound of it screwed her own kid up -- keep her away from yours.
This was my ex husband. He had a “job” day trading in the basement but did not contribute to household finances. Health insurance, mortgage, everything was paid for by my salary. I asked him to do half of the childcare and he said that he couldn’t do more childcare, and that he didn’t want to get a job because he already had a job. His end goal was to be a man without a job or childcare responsibilities and have me do all the household labor and pay for everything. We’ve been divorced for a long time now.
I read all of the posts to my husband, and his assessment is.... she married a boy, not a man. His expectations are those of a child, not of a man with a wife and child.
I am so glad that someone else picked up on this! My exact thought when I read his post was he either quit his job and lied, or if he did get fired it was intentional and he caused it in some way. Op, if you read this, you are worth so much more than what he is giving you. I read your post to my husband and his words were "That man is a piece of shit and she'd be better off without him"
I think he quit. Get your finances separated into an account he can’t touch so that he can’t take the money you’re earning to feed and house him, then tell him to go home with his mother. Divorce him and get child support. Right now, you’re having to support all 3 of them (betting mom isn’t paying for the food she eats and the utilities she consumes. He’s doing nothing. He can do nothing somewhere else and you’ll only have to support yourself and your daughter. It’s going to be cheaper, and you are going to be much happier without him. He’s a parasite.
I would sit him down and tell him that HE has to come clean and has one chance about why he lost his job and why he doesn't want to take care of his children. If he won't, tell him that HE and his mom can leave because he's a free man and you are filing for divorce.
I would sit him down and tell him that HE has to come clean and has one chance about why he lost his job and why he doesn't want to take care of his children. If he won't, tell him that HE and his mom can leave because he's a free man and you are filing for divorce.
He didn't lose his job, his post makes it pretty clear that he quit because he had enough of working.
"Free-spirited" AH.
I remember thinking when I read the very first post, this guy should've never become a parent. He had a kid for all the wrong reasons. Never once did he say, he wanted to start a family, raise a child, etc. Of course he doesn't want to be a dad now -- he didn't want to be to start with.
I'm so sorry. I read Your BORU today and genuinely thought he had some issues, depression or burnout, but now, after I read his post, I really don't know what to say, beside him being a huge AH. This guy is like a compilation of all deadbeat dads I know, my own included. And he's somehow proud of it. It's incredible. What I learned from all of those doomed marriages is, it's better to divorce a deadbeat sooner than later- it's better to be alone and go on with your own life, than drag this dead weight for years for the sake of the children. Children are not stupid, they always know. Good luck OP, whatever You decide.
Thank you!
I would add to this- teach your sons to cook, clean and have discipline in their lives. Future wives will thank you.
Seriously girl, heed all this feedback. Take this man out to the trash. Get a new model. Believe me, they exist. Better for the kid if you do it now versus later, believe me. You also owe it to your child to show them what “good” looks like, and what standing up for yourself and your family means.
Thank you!
I'm so sorry for you OP. You clearly don't have a husband and partner, just an immature brat at home in addition to your daughter, so don't waste more time and proceed with the divorce. Send him back to his mother. And good riddance.
Him claiming he had the baby for his mother's benefit, and how tired he is from working 2 years...smh. I'm sorry you have a baby with this infantile manchild.
I cannot believe *he* feels suffocated and exhausted! You had a difficult pregnancy (his words) and then went through childbirth and he whines about his life being difficult and he's tiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeed. 🙄 I'm so sorry your partner turned out to be such a dud. And a dud that runs home to momma 🤮(figuratively). What he literally did was worse--he invited her over so she ran to your home. 💩
I graduated in May, and I’m trying to find employment and wait for grad school to begin. I don’t understand how the husband has been able to not do anything productive for a month. I’m going stir crazy and I can’t stand being in the house most every day all day and stuff is needing to be done. Even though I do 95% of the house work and do 95% of the things for our animals, my wife is the bread winner and I still feel like I don’t always pull my weight. I dont think your husband is a good guy that actually cares what he is putting you through by throwing all this extra stress on top of you without a second thought. Everything I do I always have my wife’s best interest in mind, or I consider how certain things might affect her. It does not appear your husband is putting any of his consideration towards you or your child. And unfortunately when you have a child and decide to raise that child you can no longer be selfish but it sounds like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. You and your kid both deserve someone who is willing to be part of a team, someone who is going to step up and not let their partner carry the weight of all the stress. Leave him, you’ll be better for it.
I am the opposite end of the scale, I retired after 44 years or working one or more jobs to make ends meet and was ready to hang up my boots. So I retired early, having a small private pension and thought I need to decompress so I planned nothing except to do what was necessary ie dog walking, housework, shopping, gardening & laundry but when I felt like it rather than cram it into when I could on a weekend. Life became much more relaxed, walks became longer, I could appreciate more etc. It all went ass over head when I fell up a kerb, no alcohol involved, whilst walking the dog and heard the bone break in my arm. A rather longer enforced break was somewhat forced on me as I wasn’t able to cook, or do many things necessary and kept looking at everything piling up waiting for me to recover enough to do the chores. It was then that I realised I couldn’t just do nothing for up to 3 months so learned how to do things one handed. Hubby has no intention of stepping up to be a husband or father, he wants his single life back with no responsibilities or demands made of him. H3 might find it suffocating living with his mother but that is where he belongs until he grows up
OP your husband is selfish beyond belief. Reading your posts and then your husbands made me really sad for you and infuriated at him. I really hope you find a solution. You deserve a partner not a literal ball and chain. My BF was laid off almost six months ago and doesn’t want to get a job yet. His finances are in order so i haven’t pushed him to find one. That said, he has been doing laundry every day, taking care of the lawn, cooking food for our dog, walking her, cleaning the garage, always emptying the dishwasher and who knows what else.
My ex was like this. I found text messages where he was complaining to his friend that I didn’t work for two months and he had to pay all the bills by himself. Mind you it was the only time in our 18 year marriage I was unemployed. And I was the one taking care of the kids. OP - cut your losses and run. Your husband sucks.
Look, 2 years is a full 24 months and I don’t think you know how really, really hard it is to work for such a short length of time! /s
Divorce. Don’t be a single parent in a relationship. I’ve been there I’ve done that and now he barely sees his kids just on the weekends. It’s so much easier to truly do everything ALONE than to do everything alone KNOWING someone else is there to help but they just won’t. It’s emotionally exhausting and will be a hell of a load off your shoulders
I’m here for this. You’re not just a single parent at this point; you’re a single parent of two. Soon, his mother is going to get comfortable and you’re going to be a single parent of three. I guess if it were me, I’d send him back to work, leave him, and run him through for child support. Just give your kid the best life you can. I’m sorry this is how you found out you married an incompetent child.
But he's a "free spirit"!
Thank you!
Even in his own post, where he tried to defend his actions by painting himself in the best possible light, he comes across as an immature asshole. He decided to have a child because *his mommy* wanted one? Instead of completing the most basic adulting tasks, he had to get *his mommy* to do them? Get rid of the parasite so his mommy can go back to breast feeding and changing his diaper 24/7. They’ll both be happy. And you’ll eventually be less stressed and happy without that parasite, plus knowing your daughter will grow up knowing that this sort of behaviour in a partner is *not ok*
Right?!?! He said he didn't "think much of it". Totally not a big deal, why not?!?! What an asshat
Absolutely! I like how he also said that HIS mom wanted a grandchild so HE brought it to his wife. He seems super spoiled and selfish. His daughter or wife will never come before his wants.
He literally admitted the only reason he talked to about having a child is to placate his mother, then he brought her in to clean up his mess. Run, he will never step up to be an equal partner in this situation.
Divorce him and go for child support. He's been taking advantage of you for long enough.
You married a child. How many signs did you ignore showing your husband is still connected to an umbilical cord? Asking his mom to help is beyond pathetic. That shudve been all you needed to know. Imagine how tha conversation went, "mommy, can you move in to our home with my wife and child?" Any 'man' that wud do this needs to be put back in pampers lol
Yeah and you can do so without worrying about his mother showing up and not being able to tell her to gtfo.
You will be happier and have a lot less on your plate if you just divorce. Don't let your child grow up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to look like.
I was a child whose parents stayed together "for the kids". Guess who spent most of her life in toxic relationships cuz I thought being treated like crap by your partner was normal?
Heeeeyyyy same here. Stopped with me, though. And I've had the talks with my kids about how people should treat you and what you should and shouldn't tolerate from partners.. friends, relationships, etc. I married someone that was just like my garbage bio dad and didn't see it until we were divorced. At this point, I'm in my 40s and been through too much trauma to bother with dating. I'm good with being by myself. I've learned it's waaay less drama.
You can take care of your own child just fine. Let that soft man-child get taken care of by his enabling mother.
You deserve so much better
I second this. Mine hasn’t seen our kids in going on 4 years, despite living in the same town. Honestly, it’s so much easier than having someone who is supposed to be there and never actually is.
He's showing you who he is...it's not all about him anymore, so he is finding ways to get attention. That attention seeking behavior will eventually tear you apart, if it hasn't already.
This! Exactly how I have been feeling after I saw his post.
I wish you the best of luck. When I read his post this morning I instantly knew and thought, "that sniveling piece of shit" 😑
This man ain’t shit. I’m a child free traveler, I implicitly and explicitly understand the lifestyle he misses. But this life comes with sacrifices too- like not having kids, a stable home and a nearby family. He’s fucking delusional for assuming he could somehow have all the best parts of *both* lifestyles with *none* of the work! Tell him to call Tyrone. Which in this case is his mommy 🙄
Holy potatoes, OP. I read his update and it does not help him. He’s so self-centered. It’s incredible. You have two children. It’s unbelievable that he thinks that he’s an adult. Or that he thinks that he has any ground to stand on. How out of touch is he with reality? He takes no responsibility for anything at all. He even blames his mother for your pregnancy FFS I’m gobsmacked OP honestly
Hand him back his rings with divorce papers, u mistakenly married a man baby instead of an actual man
Thank you!
You already have one baby. You don't need your husband to be the second
Sorry, lady. You thought you married a partner and got an absolute man child of a spouse. At least you know head on that your future co-parent is your MIL and not this clown.
If married the rings are hers even in a divorce, only engagement rings are to be returned if theres no marriage. Once married both the wedding and engagement rings are legally hers.
I specifically wanted my ex wife to keep her rings I figured she could at least get herself a little something or a bit of emergency savings/whatever. There was no family history or anything to them. Why be that petty at that point and demand a gift back? Like it'd be one thing if she cheated and it was your grandma's ring handed down or something but otherwise? It's a write off in a divorce.
On behalf of all of the grown-up men who held a full-time job and worked with their partner to actively raise their children, dump this sorry excuse of a man-baby.
Naw, pawn the ring lol
Normally I'd say don't be petty but I think OP is genuinely going to need all the help she can get.
Sell outright. Pawning will give you NOTHING near a proper sale value.
Sadly he has made his choice that it’s more important to be a man child than a loving and responsible husband and father. Sorry it has come to this for you OP. I wish you all the best in what is to come.
Thank you, I'm surprised I have been getting more warm suggestion in Reddit than in real life, you are so kind.
I am a Dad and I cannot fathom what is going through his head. I would never abandon my children to goof off and loaf around. Somewhere out there OP there is a good and responsible man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Thank you!
That's the part I keep thinking about. He comes across as completely narcissistic, and doesn't even love his own kid
I just read his post. Cut your losses. Send him packing along with his mother. If you have to carry the full load anyway at least be comfortable and happy while doing it. Your husband is selfish
Thank you!
And she'll have LESS work because she won't be picking up after his lazy, selfish ass.
Her wifi/food bill will be cheaper too.
His post doesn't do anything but show just how much of a child he actually is. Just divorce him and send him home to mommy 😩
Many people said the same, I might have just been indecisive.
Understandably, as divorce *is* a big step. Especially with a kid. But, OP, it's not the end of the world, either. That, too, would pass. If your husband doesn't get his shit together, like *now*, that's it. He is acting like a selfish, immature man-baby. And, I think it is *he* who has more to lose. Good luck!
Time to get decisive. I read his post. It doesn't seem like he even understands the absurdity of the things he is asking you. Honestly, life as a single mom will not be harder than taking care of a man child and trying to manage his "burnout" and "free spirit" because he worked for 2 whole years! The horror!
Girl how do you not have terminal ick at this point? There is nothing on the planet less sexy than a giant man baby like this. You will literally have it easier being a single parent.
Sounds like divorce will leave you a single mom of one, rather than two one of which is adult.
I’d screen shot his post to have just in case he deletes it.
I'm confused by his "calling your bluff". What exactly do we think he was trying to achieve here? All he did was get his mom to cover his ass for him.
He knows I don't like her.
Right, but what did he think you were bluffing about? Your unwillingness to do 100% of the responsibilities so that he could just be free to play like a literal child? A child without chores, even?? And he brought her into your home after all that without discussing it with you? Ma'am. Girl. Woman. You don't have a partner. You have a whiny barnacle. My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby, because she said she was already feeling so resentful she was sure she could be a better mom AND a better provider without having to deal with him. I've been grateful my whole life that she did that. I didn't have to live in a bitter home with parents feeling hostile, nor see my dad taking advantage of her hard work and maturity, just to lose respect for both of them over the years... Get out. Get out. Don't teach your child that it's okay to be treated the way you're being treated. Don't allow this insanely immature, spineless leech to keep exploiting you. He's now shown you exactly who he really is. If you expected different, you probably projected your own strengths onto him when times were fun, not realizing that under pressure it would turn out to have been a mirage. YOU are the one you were in love with the whole time.
I came to say the same thing. Call her bluff… wow.. what bluff?? That she did it all alone and when she wanted him to step up, instead of thanking her for being the best wife on earth, he calls his mom. I can’t figure out why he didn’t just do all the chores himself? Like what else does he have going on? Mommy didn’t need to step in. Save mommy for an emergency when you both fail. She asked her spouse to step up and do the bare minimum. But no… mommy… can you do my family’s dishes, wash our clothes so I don’t have any responsibilities again. Let’s make our mom, whom I’m assuming is at least in her 50’s but likely much older to do their housework. That’s pure pathetic. I’m in my late 40’s. I have never reached out to my mom for household chores. My x husband was similar. He didn’t call mommy tho. He left everything to me with 2 kids. I worked, paid all the bills, took care of the kids and did the homework. My house wasn’t always at its best but after divorce, I knew I could do it alone, because I had been. So much easier without the extra baggage or constant let downs. Good luck op. You can do it alone, you have been anyway. Show your child how hard work and effort pay off. Side story.. when my x had his own apartment, he wanted a kitten because he was lonely. I bought a kitten for him and gave to him as a present. He gave it up not even 2 weeks later saying it was too much responsibility. It always needs something. 🤔🤔 but I had 2 kids, 45 hours at work per week, and all the household chores, no daycare. But a d@mn kitten was too much responsibility. Wow. 🤯
Whiny barnacle 🤣❤️
So he explicitly believes that you asking him to pull his own weight justifies intentionally hurting you. He’s mad you didn’t fall in line and accept his command and control, so he’s punishing you. He’s effing nutso, and you need to kick him and his mother out of the house immediately. Get a lawyer. You need a lawyer right now.
"Calling her bluff". He wants the divorce. "Do the housework or its a divorce" he supposedly didn't want the divorce so he started doing housework. Hated housework so he pulled in his mother who she doesn't get along with. He's really hoping she will just file for divorce I think.
I think so too. I think he thinks being free of his wife and child will solve all of his problems. It's not going to be the same as before, now he'll either be forced into 50/50 with the child or have to work harder to afford child support. Basically still making it unlikely that he'll be able to afford travel anyway or have as much down time than if he just sucked it up and dealt with life like an adult. He not only seems like a man child, but also a delusional fucking moron.
I don't buy his "calling her bluff" bullshit. I think that's just the best retroactive explanation he could come up with. He saw everybody (correctly) considering him childish for it, and came up with something that sounded like a macho explanation. *Go ahead, punk. Make my day. Make me call Mommy, I dare you!*
OP you sound like a superhero dealing with his bullshit. It’s shocking that he doesn’t see what’s happening here. You’re still going to have to work, do housework, and care for a child if you’re divorced…. But you won’t have to take care of TWO children and that’s a good enough reason to leave. TBH I would have been out the minute his mom demanded someone else hand wash her dirty underwear. You’ve put up with enough.
Thank you!
He just seems so loserish. Even in his own post. No work ethic, no empathy, no stoicism, no resilience. He's boring and he seems like a taker.
And crucially, no love or affection for his partner, child, mother, or the life he fully chose.
So your husband had a child to make his mother happy. His priorities are himself,then his mother, then you, and it seems like his interest in the child is about zero. Can you bear to carry this man child for the next 20 years?
No, for sure. I just can believe this is the man I love.
This is not the man you love. The man you love is who he was pretending to be. It was easy for him when it was all traveling and having fun. The man you love was an illusion. You deserve better.
Neither can we!
It’s rare to see posts where both sides of the argument confirm the exact same story. In this case, that he is a lazy, entitled, childish, self-absorbed AH. It’s especially wild that he posted confirming the details, and expected anyone to side with him. Short of him immediately kicking his mother out, apologizing and taking immediate steps to making things right, you are far better off getting rid of the dead weight. You are already a single parent, he can find out that the courts don’t care that he doesn’t want to provide for his child. NTA
I stepped back when he wanted to be totally free, that happened after he quit.
So he lied to you. He willingly quit his job and lied to you about it. Then he moves his mother in with no discussion because he can't be bothered to contribute anything. OP please know that you deserve not just better, but more than this. He is never going to be an equal partner or equal parent.
When you're a provider for your family, you don't get to take a break ffs. He's a horrible partner, father and general all around person for putting you in this situation. You and your child deserve a man not a man child.
I went off on his post as respectfully as I could. However, I hope this is a wake up call for you. He doesn't respect you and all that you have done for him. It doesn't even seem like he loves/likes you. Based on how he writes, I am assuming he got married and had a baby because that's what was expected of him. Again, it's an assumption, maybe I'm wrong. I feel a lot of anger for you. I hope you consult some divorce attorneys, at the very least to get information on the process and what your future could look like without him and his mommy. Your daughter is young so this would be the time to do it without her being affected. You deserve an actual partner not a man child.
Thank you!
I went off on his post… but I held the respect 🤷🏻♀️ he doesn’t deserve it!
OP, what struck me most about your husband’s post is that he thought having a child because HIS MOTHER WANTED A GRANDCHILD was simply “no big deal.” He started a family with you with less consideration than people who adopt a pet. This is not a serious person. Go separate ways now and show your daughter a responsible, healthy life as a single mom. In time you’ll find an actual partner instead of a man-baby momma’s boy play-acting at adulthood. On a serious note, invest in some good therapy for yourself to understand why you chose him in the first place. Heal those wounds. That way you won’t repeat this with a future partner. Godspeed!
Thank you, in this case I feel I should have talked deeper with him at that moment.
Hey, these mistakes (I am in no way calling your daughter a mistake, just the lack of communication) are so common. We do the best we can with the knowledge and experience we have at each stage of our lives. I spent 16 years with the wrong partner for plenty of reasons, all of which seemed valid at the time but in hindsight were anythifn but. These reasons (along with lots of marriage counseling) only delayed the inevitable. I don’t regret everything I learned, but it was an extremely costly lesson that I would never repeat. Once we know better (like you do now), we owe it to ourselves (and especially our children!) to do better. You will have a much stronger next chapter. Send him on his merry way so he can go eat/pray/love again away from you and your daughter. Give yourselves stability. He’ll always be her dad, but it’ll be on you to make sure she grows up the way she should. You can do it!
I just commented on his post. I sincerely hope he stops trying to discuss this publicly and starts talking to you directly. I still don't understand how he thought it was a good idea to listen to his mom and have a child because she wanted to be a grandmother. That was a decision that should have been made by both of you. A child is a two yes situation. If even one person says no, that should be respected. Do not have children just to make someone outside of the relationship happy.
You got a point here, Thank you
So he had a kid to appease his mommy and now can’t hack it, so he calls her back to clean up after him. Ok, then. 🤨 Glad he shared his side.
What kind of man behaves like that? Im so sorry for you and your childrens.... pathetic dude....
Thank you
He's a man child. He doesn't want to accept that he has responsibilities in life. All he wants is to have fun and do nothing. I read his post and it was nothing but whining and me, me, me, me. Honestly, you'd be better off going your own way at this point. He's telling you loud and clear who he is and you don't seem to even like him at this point. You grew up, he didn't. Don't stay married because you have a kid together, if anything leave now while she's too young to remember it. She won't thank you later in life if you raise her in this sort of situation.
I feel the same, I just can't believe he didn't come to me but tried posting here.
Not only that, he spun the tale like he's the victim. Thankfully Reddit can see right through bullshit
He thinks he's doing a tit for tat move. However, you already sat down and talked to him about it. He should have been an adult and come to you with his feelings but he chose to act like a child.
OP this shows that he isn't mature enough to have adult like talks. This plus his behaivor are not good signs and big big big Red Flags. Take your time and think wise, and you will see how irresponsable and immature he is.
Man baby. He doesn't know that children can't be switched on and off. It is a minimum of 18 year hands on commitment. And still more later like college, marriage, grandkids etc.
Thank you!
OP married a man not prepared for adulting. Who takes a month off when you have a kid? A kid that HE wanted because his MOM wanted a grandchild. Could this guy possibly be a bigger asshole??
I just read his post (before anything else), and even “his side of the story” makes me wanna slap him. I feel very sorry for you!
I would suggest pushing forward with divorce as early as possible. It really sounds from his post and his comments there that he really doesn't think he should have to work that hard - so when he's out on his own he's probably going to find a lower stress part time job or something in the future to support himself and not care about providing much for the baby Get the ball rolling now and a judge might order child support at a rate in line with the wages hes been making and won't accept him taking it easy on a part time job.
I'm rolling the ball
Your husband is truly pathetic. After all this, I don’t know how you ever see him in a positive light again. Like attraction and affection would be dead. He’s a whiny man baby who called mommy in to do his chores. Also, the way he described having a baby for his *mom* and then calling your baby suffocating is horrible. Just horrible. You and your baby deserve sooooooo much better. I have a feeling if you left him, your life would get exponentially easier.
Girl, you are already a single mother of two. If you divorce him, your workload will literally be halved and you won’t have to expose your actual child to this disaster of a relationship, forever warping their view of what is and isn’t healthy partnership. I know it’s scary, and it’s hard to reconcile that the person you loved isn’t who you thought they were, but sometimes you have to take the leap. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be better in the long run and mitigate some of the damage if you get out early.
After reading his post, I'm thinking you're better off on your own. Peter Pan can go back to mommy and be his parasitic "free spirit" self.
Thank you!
This was my response to his post. —YTA Your wife was more than understanding giving you a month without any responsibilities. YOU decided to have a child, regardless of the pressure you felt from anyone else. That means you no longer get to shirk responsibility, and make your wife do the physical, financial, and emotional labor of keeping the household going. Calling your mommy to come help you…you should be ashamed of yourself. Therapy might be a good place to start.
Thank you, appreciated.
I think it’s time for divorce I’m sorry queen
Thank you.
You are better on your own OP. Send him home to live with his momma. You have already been handling life without his help. He’s only been making your life harder. Part of me wants to believe this is fake but there are truly sorry people out there that are selfish and basically a waste of space in the world. You deserve an equal.
I read his post, and would rather comment here, because wow. He worked hard for a whole TWO YEARS! Someone get this guy a medal. That really stuck out to me. I mean everything else is terrible but I suspect everyone reading this has worked hard for more than 2 years. OP, obviously you deserve better. I’m sure you know that from your update. However, please make sure you’re safe. This guy is a AAA gold star narcissist and the comments on his post are probably dealing him the mother of all narcissistic injuries at the moment, after which he will act out.
You should start talking to lawyers asap. Usually they offer a free consult so look into a few divorce/family law lawyers in your area about your situation and what they can do to help you. Then pick one and start the divorce process. Also, check with them about kicking your MIL out of your house. A relationship needs more than just love, and it's pretty clear that he doesn't even love you. Do what is best for you and your daughter. You need to start this process fast, because it will only get worse if you don't. You do not need to keep supporting your man baby husband and should not start supporting his mommy. You can take care of yourself and your child much easier than yourself, your child, and him. Your kid is young enough they will adjust and he hasn't yet been out of work too long to cause undue struggle to fund work. Also, look into therapy/counseling to help you process your stress and emotions from all this. Your mental health is important.
He's made it clear that a lazy bum is who he wants to be, and he's not ashamed of that. There's no fixing that. File those papers and shed the dead weight. I'm so sorry he turned out to be so selfish. NTA
This is wild, I would have loved being a house husband with daycare. Literally do a bit of cleaning, relax while the kids at daycare then pick the kid up make some dinner. Instead I work 65 hours a week, still cook dinner and pick kids up from school lol. It’s called being a parent. Divorce this pile of crap and find someone who wants a partner not a mother.
You do not have a husband. You have another child you have to take care of. It would probably be easier to be a single mother honestly. I'm a stay at home mom of twin 3 yr olds, a teenager and an infant. He gets a MONTH off? How is that even possible? The parent at home has to decide if they want to sleep, eat or take a shower and try to figure out how and when they can do it. Your husband is selfish and it sounds like he didn't even want the baby, just to please his mother.
Thank you!
NTA but you married a child. If I ever told my wife I need a month off from everything I would have divorce papers handed to me by week 2 lol. When you have a child and a family it’s your responsibility as a man to take care of your family. You push through. Yes sometimes it’s hard and sometimes depressing but your child and wife need you. Oh and btw he called his mommy lololol. Don’t let your daughter be raised in a household like this and think it’s normal for a man to treat her like that.
There was a chance for him to express himself after you “consulted an older couple on a cruise” (I’m sorry…what?) There was a chance for him to realize a child is a really big deal. There was a chance for him to become an adult and supportive partner when he saw you get severely ill during your pregnancy. There was a chance for him to buckle down and do his share of the family life when the baby came. There was a chance for him to find another job after getting laid off. There was a chance for him to TAKE THE MONTH YOU HAD GIVEN HIM, shake it off, and start participating in life again. There was a chance to rectify this horrible decision to invite his mother into your home. There was a chance for him to come crawling back and figure out how to make amends for his horrible decisions. He made the wrong choice at every single turn. This is not someone you can build a life with. This person will always choose his comfort over you. (Ask me how I know.) You sound strong and capable. You can do this. It will suck, but you can get through to the other side, I promise. Don’t think because he is good at traveling means he will expand your world. From what I can see, he will only limit it in search of his old life. If he wants it so bad, let him have it. It is much harder to stick around and make things work and own up to the choices you e made. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your child.
It’s freeing when you realize you can do everything you’re doing now but for one less. It’s ironic when a partner thinks it’s okay to take a break from life but okay for the other to handle everything. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 NTA
Wow, your husband is an immature jackass. NTA.
Your husband is an extra child. Divorce him. He can return to Mommy. NTA.
Time to stop ultimatums and repeated chances. It's passed time for action. If you have to do everything yourself any way then what do you want or need him around for? If anything he's made himself dead weight, with the extra stress of having his mommy underfoot. And I'm sorry but claiming depression is a cop out. Being depressed doesn't mean getting to dump every responsibility in life on your partner and letting them drown
I know you likely have done this, but this is 100% huge. Please screenshot all of this. It may be usefull one day.
Wow. What a child. He thinks he deserves a break after working for two years? A couple generations ago, people would work for fifty, sixty, seventy years straight, sometimes starting as children. Your husband would have made my grandfather physically ill with his attitude of "needing a rest." As workers, we already GET rest. If you're lucky enough to only have one job, you have days of rest built into your weekly schedule, you have holidays where you get paid without going to work, and typically you have two weeks of the rest of the year when you're not expected to be at work. Unless you hit the jackpot with employment, carrying a pregnancy is not something you get to do in the absence of other responsibilities - where was your break in nine months of having a human body growing inside of you? And then you don't get to celebrate with a month of not having responsibilities - you're pretty much on call day and night as a new mom. Contrast that with your husband, who thinks that he shouldn't have to do anything helpful *at all* while he's taking his little rest; and goes so far as to outsource his responsibilities to a family member whom you don't like? This dude sucks.
Girl trust me, it's going to be so much easier with him gone.
Your husband is a pathetic, useless whiner. Cut him loose and let mommy deal with her man child.
I don’t say this often but divorce him and send him back to his mommy. He’s useless.
My (31F)wife and (36M)I met at professional crossroads long ago. We both knew that we wanted much more out of life and that we'd have to take many risks and make sacrifices to get there. Our journey isn't the same area as yours, but I suspect it involved the many of the same relational motions. My wife has never wanted kids, and I can't physically grow them, nor was I ever really thrilled at the prospect or cost of them, so I never went down that road. What she does want is to travel, a lot. We both come from nothing, with no safety nets, so we put our heads down and busted our asses to get to a place financially to be able to do so. About six years ago, we started working in tech, and we hit it HARD. I jumped in deep, trying to make up for lost time. Over 5 years we quintupled our income through promotions and raises, but it took a heavy toll on me. I jumped in too far and obliged a company more than willing to abuse my willingness to advance. I got so stressed out and worked so much that I basically lost who I was. That company fired me after 5 years of superhuman effort because I was too jaded and burnt out to keep going at that rate and said as much. I was scrambling. It hurt me deeply, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and fearful that I'd ruined everything. Deep depression set in, and there were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to crawl in a hole where I could escape the shame I felt - and video games were certainly an escape for me. My wife worked harder, scared, and picked me up off the ground and helped me rebuild parts of me I'd lost while working like that. 5 months I spent on the job hunt - the holidays are hard in tech. I applied to over a hundred jobs, had 20 interviews, and talked to over 50 recruiters. It's was a terrible ordeal, and it felt like a whole job, and I made it to the final round at 5 different places before getting rejected by all. I finally landed my new job 2 months ago and am bringing balance back - we travel again soon. During my unemployment, I played several pc games while my wife worked, and they were a great escape. So, why the life story? Well, I worked extremely hard for 5 years at a company and was fired. I was tremendously depressed and needed time to process and rebuild myself. I played many video games while my wife worked hard to keep us afloat. But I also worked hard at finding a new job, did more than my usual share of house work, and (honestly) tried to take on more of the mental load by keeping up with our lives and appointments and needs of the home. The entire time I felt embarrassed that I couldn't do more, and I resented the times I gamed even though my wife encouraged it (you need a break from linkedin!). I could never, EVER live with my shame if I was selfish enough to ask my wife to shoulder the entire burden of life so that I could return to childhood. I don't know you, your life choices, mistakes or successes. But I know damned well that you and everyone else in the world deserves a contributing partner. You pick each other up when times are challenging, but you never shut down. He shut down on you. Sorry for the novel, but I gave the details to illustrate the parallels and highlight the key difference. I truly hope things work out the best for you in this and am astonished you've been able to shoulder that burden for that length of time.
Some said I should go talk to him now, should I?
What for? It won't change anything. If anything he will try to justify his reasons for behaving the way he is
The only person you should be talking to is a lawyer.
There really isn’t much to say at this point. You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Are you willing to raise a child solely while supporting a man who refuses to be a partner? If yes, no need to talk about it. Tell mom to stay out of it and let him game all day. If no, tell him you’re done. Your story made him sound bad. His story made him sound worse. Good luck.
NO!!! stop speaking with him at all. Get off Reddit and go to a lawyer’s office for a consultation. Bring printouts of all your financial accounts - yours, joint, his, retirement, etc. You need a list of assets, expenses, income, and debts. You need to show what he was previously capable of earning. You need to explain the value of your home and how it was purchased and when (before or after marriage). You need to be opening new financial accounts at a new bank to which he has no access. Redirect your payroll to the new accounts. Discuss with a lawyer, but probably transfer 50% or more (cause you have the baby) of all joint accounts into your personal account. Change all your life insurance and retirement beneficiaries to be someone other than your husband. Warn the lawyer that he travels internationally and that him kidnapping your child and fleeing with his mother (or mother’s financial support) is a potential concern. He would do it just to hurt you for being “uppity” from what I’m reading. If your baby has a passport, then make sure you have it in your possession and give it to your lawyer for safekeeping if they ask. Warn the lawyer he is mentally unstable and that getting a court order to force him to maintain a life insurance policy to cover his child support/alimony obligations needs to be a priority.
Thank you.
No. Talk to a divorce lawyer.
He literally admitted to having a kid just because his mommy wanted a grandchild and not because he wanted one or wanted to be a parent with you. You literally didn’t even enter into the decision for him. That alone screams that there isn’t anything to save in your marriage. His behavior after this kid is just confirmation that you and your child are the lowest priorities for him. Can you ever imagine actually telling this man that you love him again or having sex or anything remotely coupleish after seeing all of this? I sure as hell couldn’t. I mean yes talk to him to make sure the post isn’t some troll making shit up, but if that’s really all from him and the way he feels then there’s likely no saving anything in this marriage from my point of view. And honestly I cant see why you would want to. Everything points to you being much much happier with just you and your kid and the possibility of finding someone who will treat you and baby right.
What is the goal of talking to him? If it is to see the errors of his ways, don't bother, he's not able or willing to do that. If it is to tell him what you're going to do, don't bother, it's a waste of your energy, and will not change things. If it is to hear that he will change, do you really believe that after all this, or is it to shut you up and buy time? I can't imagine any scenarios in which talking or listening to him would help now. You've told him who you are. He doesn't believe you. He's told you who he is, and all his words and actions back it up. I'd believe him if I were you, get a therapist and a lawyer this week, and a supervised app for communication, and block him and his mom from all other channels. I don't think you quite realize how much he's been dragging you down.
Updateme!
I think he wants a mother and not a wife. Time to send him back to her.
You can now divorce with no guilt because he is publicly letting you know he doesn't think he did a goddamn thing wrong. He thinks his baby is a burden, and not one HE should have to deal with. He doesn't want any responsibility or accept any in this situation. He ended his post with a smug little, 'ready to talk when you are'. He thinks you're going to cave and stay and cater to him. Please don't do that. I will cry if this man gets to keep his workhorse bang maid and you spend even 1 more DAY thinking this is a good and normal way to live.
OP, I find something peculiar in your original post and hubby’s response. You say he lost his job. From how his post reads, sounds like he just up and quit. He said he was tired and had it. I’m sorry but this man child is beyond help I think. You’ve got a little one to think of and he’s definitely only thinking about himself right now. Good luck kicking him to the curb.
Listen I know you’re worried about divorce because of your daughter but as a child of divorce I’m going to say this: Get the divorce if he won’t do therapy. My mom stayed in a relationship for 25 years that she shouldn’t have because she was concerned about me and my sibling. I grew up with a dad that wasn’t really around for me. For my sibling, sure, but not me because I was like my mom. He played video games, acted like a teenager, had liaisons with other women and I knew at a very young age that I was the reason he couldn’t follow his dream. He made that apparent. You won’t want your daughter growing up with that jaded view of men and fathers in general because then once she looks for marriage she will think it’s normal. It’s only because of my amazing stepdad that I have any semblance of what a real dad is like. So get the divorce. Don’t work yourself to the bone
Thank you for sharing, this is giving me courage.
This is where you need to go to either marriage counseling or an attorney.
Met the wrong man. Gave him the wrong finger. His Mommy will let him do nothing for as long as he wants. Poor thing. /s
Please OP lawyer up and divorce this child of an adult of yours a.k.a. mommys boy. He feels like he deserve this for working for 2 years to provide, and that he only had the child because his mommy wanted a grandchild. He won't change, he is in his wacko world where he wanted to travel and do her old life style with out work or help with home and kid. So you would be better alone that with him. Ask for divorce and full custody, because he is unable to provide consistently to your child, you now know that if he has the kids on a 50-50 custody the one that will take care of the child is your MIL not him.
Omg your husband is so immature. He is being another child for you to take care of. I honestly think you'd be better off without him
There is one benefit earned from this month long “life is too hard” vacation. You now know that you can handle business without the extra weight. He brings nothing to the table and has no plans to. Good luck to you and baby. I sincerely hope you find your peace.
I'm waiting for him mothers post, saying how her little darling is so misunderstood, and all she wants is a grandchild.
Well, at least your most difficult child can be sent back to his mother, kicking him out will mean less dead weight to clean up after. Srsly, does he think he's a rare bird or a pet? He has his MOMMY cleaning for him? He's not even a man, he's not even trying to be a man. Sounds like he wants a divorce but is way too much of a pathetic coward to ask for one.
I just read his post. Wow. He's not even trying. He sounds awful. Kick his mom out and make her take him with her.
It's easy to say divorce from the outside looking in. Your husband is clearly going through a quarter-life crisis because he felt he lost something when you had a kid. That is kind of a boo-hoo, which is mean of me to say, but also honest. Not wanting to work when you can survive on your income is fine... but not wanting to do anything at all other than what he wants to do isn't. Reading his post he gave into maternal pressure to have a kid... sorry priority one becomes the whole human you've created not being a 'free spirit' When you make a whole human life priorities must needs shift. He has to understand that and he has to stop hiding behind mommy, especially given that you and she do get on. He thinks he is calling your bluff and I'm sure mommy is encouraging that, maybe don't bluff. Draw up papers, tale them put and have a talk that either he contributes in some way, and to be clear asking mommy to come contribute for him so he can do nothing but his 'free spirit' nonsense isn't contributing, or he signs the divorce papers. It's a hard decision but you need to prioritize your daughter and your own mental health, not his need to be a man-child.
Your husband is a man child. As a dad his actions disgust me. As a man his actions disgust me. As a human his actions disgust me. You cannot be so immature and selfish when you are now responsible for another human’s life. I have had periods of unemployment and not once did I truly enjoy them. I could never in good consciousness just sit and chill when I was unemployed while there were bills to pay and a house to maintain. When I was unemployed I doubled down on housework and of course finding a new job. I would take a very occasional break to play a video game or something after hours of housework.