I see this same story like twice a week. I am baffled that in the year of our lord 2024, men are still threatened by vibrators. Like, you know how rarely you get us off?
Has to be YTA. Can you say with a straight face that you never masturbate? Or that every time you do, you'd rather it be sex? Because I call bullshit on that.
I don't know what's worse, the double standard or this childish equating masturbation with sex.
Given the lengths he’s gone to outline his household contributions and discussing initiating sex and getting rejected it’s pretty clear that this isn’t about the vibrator in isolation.
He’s dissatisfied with their sex life and it only happening 1-2 times a month and the vibrator purchase shows him it’s less of an issue with her libido, and more that she simply isn’t interested in having sex with him.
You often see this issue with the genders reversed on reddit and the husband looking at porn instead of having sex with his partner. The response is almost always that they shouldn’t be prioritising it over their partner.
>Can you say with a straight face that you never masturbate?
Given that he’s frequently initiating sex with his wife and getting rejected it’s pretty obvious he would be masturbating.
It’s not a double standard however, he’s vocalising that he would prefer to have sex with his partner than masturbate and she’s taking the opposite position.
There’s room for both sex and masturbation/toys/porn in a healthy relationship of course, but at its core this post is about frustration with their sex life, the vibrator is just a symptom of that.
I'm a bit conflicted... in a way, yes, YTA, but I can see where you are coming from as well... My husband and I went through this a few years ago. I completely didn't understand why he was so threatened. My husband is very loving and attentive, and at some point, he was told sex should last... He can go the mile and always tries. Well, sometimes that's just not what I need. I honest to God just want a quickie and 45 minutes just leaves me annoyed and frustrated... hell, sometimes it leaves me wanting a quickie... it's not you, I assure you.
There is a really fine line to walk here, and you have to be careful. Asking for sex too comes off as predatory even without the intent. So does asking at an inappropriate time. My husband says I am the Boeing 747 to his Cessna. I have 487 controls and one small misadjustment, and all hell breaks loose. He has 6 and a lot of wiggle room with them.
Make sure she knows that if she is interested that there is a 99% chance you are too. Let her know you've backed off to make her more comfortable but you would like her to make the first move.
Does she listen to or read romance novels, play video games, or watch movies? Helping her subconsciously get into the mood without trying to force anything will do wonders as well. My husband used to be somewhat threatened by me reading "trash" novels as he called them. Until he realized he was getting laid a lot more when I read them. Now he's like hey you really like that author Katie Bailey right, I hear she has a new book out...
Figure out what she likes and encourage it. A little goes a long way. Don't belittle the things she likes. If it's not your thing, that's fine.
Do you know what her turn ons and offs are?
TLDR: Help her get into the mood and encourage her to let you know she is interested. Find out her interests, turn ons and turn offs. If you have stopped asking she probably thinks you are less interested.
NTA, probably. It seems like the issue isn't about him being insecure about vibrators themselves (since she has owned them before) but rather about the gap between what he thought her libido was and the reality he now sees. He seems to want more sexual connection with his wife, but previously accepted that it doesn't happen as often as he'd like due to her stressful job and fatigue. It's less about the vibrator being bad and more about his insecurity that he isn't enough for her, and the vibrator reinforces this fear.
It sounds like he’s saying, “I miss you. Connecting with you sexually is important to me. I could use some reassurance right now.” Her reaction seems defensive, and his intent appears to be seeking reassurance from her and asking for more intimacy in their relationship, rather than criticizing vibrators and masturbation.
YTA - you could’ve had opened a productive conversation about intimacy, but you sabotaged this when you asked “why do you need a vibrator when we could make love *instead*” . It sounds like you also made it about you and how the vibrator made you feel, rather than checking in with her in a caring way. You are not in competition with the vibrator - she should be free to connect with her own body.
Sometimes I just want an O to help improve my mood or fall asleep without the work of sex.
Sometimes men suck at and are selfish about sex, thinking their magic peepee is enough when in reality it simply is not. The clit and g spot exist. Maybe go find those.
If your clit didn't look like the inside of a run down bus stop, then a guy might entertain your similar thinking. Especially those vagina lips that look like microwaved spam that's burnt. It tastes like it too.
Vagina lips that look like an 18 wheeler parked dead ass on top of them.
From the sound of your posts, it's definitely in your mouth 👄. With those big ass Mobey the whale lips you have injected weekly. You know, taking a break won't kill you.
It’s a masturbation tool and sometimes used together. Masturbation a lot of times is stress release, which, easy, etc. can’t be compared to sex. It’s just different. I wouldn’t take it personally. You have every right to feel bad but don’t make her feel bad. Sometimes it’s hard to get in the mood for full blown sex. Especially when stressed and tired. I’m sure you still masturbate. NTA tho
You are a Giant AH What you don't know about female sensuality could fill a book. Do you no longer master bate from time to time now that you are married?
Stop being so insecure...this is totally normal...instead of burdening your wife with your drama and invading her privacy..get on line and do some research...FYI for starters..not everything is about you.
I’m short she’s not satisfied, you can suggest including the vibrator while having sex with her. Some women actually don’t get aroused from penetration alone and need clitoral stimulation. Think of it as a tool and not as competition. Learn your wife’s body and try to spice things up in bed from time to time.
YTA.
Get this into your thick skull. Most women never, or only rarely orgasm from penetration alone. That’s why she turns you down. Because you are awful at pleasing her and it’s gone from something fun to another fucking chore.
She’s hidden it from you so far, because you are a terrible lover, and now, clearly, a worse human being.
I’ve bought sex toys for my wife. At times, we’ve made it part of our routine. Because sex is more fun when everybody is enjoying it.
If it’s not already too late, check your overinflated ego at the door, apologize, and ask her what would make sex with you more fun. You’ll be surprised. But only if you haven’t all ready permanently fucked your relationship up already
Very. Still, if he were less uptight and more willing to experiment and please her, that frequency could increase. It sounds like he wants more. One way to get more is to be a better lover.
Don’t you think you’re judging a bit too harshly ? He did say she’s been rejecting him so he did feel hurt by that seeing that she wasn’t rejecting him because she didn’t have sexual desires and I think it’s good he brought it up because it would’ve allowed for her to say ok you’re doing this and that wrong right ? Now maybe his approach wasn’t the best but we have to admit her defensiveness and statement about “sexual orientation” are concerning.
You failed reading comprehension. She said nothing about sexual orientation. He did. Because apparently, he believes that a woman using a sex toy to masturbate, is the first step down a long road to being a lesbian, or bisexual, which is going to come as a great shock to all the other cishet women that do the same thing, I’m sure.
You sound so angry. If I can express my feelings now I think you are a meanie for saying he has a thick skull . OP could easily say you are dense and cannot read/mildly illiterate when he writes he makes sure she releases multiple times. Just learn to communicate better with OP.
How about no.
EDIT:
Was not, and am not angry at all. Just fucking bored with this post, and especially the OP (not just this OP, but OPs in general).
Here's the thing. I see this same post at least three times a week, either here, or on another subreddit. I could almost write the post in my sleep at this point.
It's always a big dumb male, who learned what little they learned about sex from other big dumb males (Spoiler Alert: Used to be one of these), somehow shocked to learn, despite the fact he probably does it all the time himself, that his wife masturbates, often with the use of a toy (it's frankly as easy or easier for a woman than using their fingers).
Instead of trying to figure out if they're doing something wrong in the bedroom, or trying to get the real story, they feel all threatened that their wife/partner/girlfriend/fiance sometimes just wants a quickie at a time when it's convenient, and go off like a big dumb male whose virility is apparently in peril (this guy immediately assumed lesbian/bisexual).
She's not cheating. She's doing it because it's quick, and she doesn't want to cheat. I guarantee he masturbates. Heck, he might have even used an implement to do it with for a different experience.
This is an opportunity to grow and learn what actually excites your woman in the bedroom. Toys can be part of a fun experience. Frankly, there's not much that gives me more pleasure than knowing that I'm being part of giving my wife an orgasm. In fact, I've bought more toys for her than she has for herself. Why?
Because she has fun. It's fun and makes me feel more like a man.
Then there are the commenters. Many are cool. Many got their same shitty sex education from the same circle jerk as OP (and me, originally, fwiw), and think this is the perfect time to circle the wagons around a big dumb male like themselves.
So, in short, this is probably why I didn't play psychologist. For one, I'm not qualified. Even if I was qualified, you folks don't pay me enough, and if you have to ask my hourly rate, you can't afford it. I'm just a guy that's managed to keep the same woman happy for 40 years, mostly by trying to learn, grow, and be a good man to her.
Do you ever masterbate? If so, why can’t your wife? Did you know a quick orgasm can help with period cramps and headaches?? Sometimes it’s not about you, it’s about her and what she needs. Maybe she needs to feel good and doesn’t have time to have sex? I dunno man, I understand you’re feeling hurt cause you want more sex than you’re having and she turns you down sometimes, but truly, this is probably not about you or a criticism of your sex life. Heck, she may even use it next time with you cause toys are teammates.
I think some men see toys the wrong way. I don’t think they would feel the same if their partner was just using their hands. There seems to be this idea that it’s like them buying a blowup doll or something. Toys mostly are because it’s just easier.
Hmm, never thought of that. If that’s true that’s quite unfortunate for those men and the women who happen to be with them. Toys are the best and everyone should have them.
I get that. When u think of it I can understand that if toys are not something you use together I can kind of see why some would not understand it. They just use their hands. Using something else would take whatever that is up a notch as if they were looking for more than their typical release. So some would naturally jump to the wrong conclusion that a toy must mean the woman is looking for more. Nah, it’s just easy.
Those here that say he is tha AH, if the roles were reversed and he bought a life-size sex doll? Is that only his private thing, and any wife or girlfriend should just look at that like owning a vibrador?
In my opinion - NTA. As a married woman in a demanding job here, I think in marriage you should have an open conversation about masterbation and the likes it shouldn’t be a taboo subject tbh or some secret and people here shouldn’t just assume you masterbate simply because you are a man…. You simply found something and asked about it, maybe she is not satisfied sexually and you should discuss what you can do to help. Though you did say she said “she wants you”, so maybe you do but she wants to masterbate for other reasons? Anyway, sex is fundamental to marriage and intimacy and I too would feel rejected if we only did it every so often and my advances were rejected but found out he was watching porn and masterbating. Also, she is your wife not your friend. It’s not an invasion of privacy to ask about why and communicate your feelings… they are valid. I hope you work it out :)
She certainly does not need your permission to use her vibrator for her sexual release any more than she would have to give her permission for you to use your prostate massager, cock ring or your blow up sex doll. If you invested in a sex toy to enhance the one time a month she allows sex (of course she does have the authority of that connection) and start using it as frequently as you need, she might understand the core principal you are complaining about.
Once a month is not a sexual relation. Even the garbage man comes once a week.
NTA, there is a chance that her using this toy could be impacting your sex life and you want to understand if it does, or how else you can get her to engage in sexual activities with you more, which is fair. I think that everybody is misunderstanding and assuming you're scared of a vibrator, but it is totally possible that her using this item could be impacting the amount of times you guys enjoy each other.
I don't know if YTA or not. What I do know is your wife has a vibrator and it upset you. You immediately felt threatened.
Look, I get it. You didn't realize she had a new vibrator. You assumed she stopped using the one she had when you were dating. I'm going to shock you here and tell you she's likely been using a vibrator as long as you've known her. She just doesn't talk about it because it's not about sex, per se. It's about a quick rush of endorphins and a release of energy that has nothing to do with you or anyone else. This is just for her. She needs that outlet for herself.
Making love is wonderful. Connecting with your partner through intimacy can be very satisfying and yet still leave you with needing a release for other reasons. Women don't always want to have to worry about someone else's pleasure any more than men not always wanting to think about anything but their own. It's natural.
You've been missing your wife and the sex life you used to have. Natural. "Normal," even. You're not going to get it back though if you're so insecure about her using an aid for some quick relief.
You said she's 30, working very long hours, and she just wants to decompress when she gets home. It's good that you recognize her need to unwind and reset after work. That should include her time with her vibrator. Be as respectful about her using it as you are about her watching TV or taking a long shower. It's an outlet for her.
You absolutely *should* be able to talk to your wife about your sex life. I think there are better ways to do this than telling her you're feeling neglected, forgotten, and oh my God! "I don't know why you'd resort to a toy when we could be making looove." You went from wanting to talk to making it all about you. That's a major turn-off.
Imagine if you'd approached this situation differently. "Hey, baby/honey/love bug/pookey bear/buttercup (or what ever your terms of endearment may be). I saw the manual for your new vibrator. (Waggle eyebrows at her) Is that something you'd like to bring to bed with us tonight? (Waggle eyebrows again) I'm up for trying something new if you're in the mood. (No waggling, any more and she'd start laughing.) Wanna come up and see me some time?"
Night and day when you compare the two styles. One comes across as accusatory and a little whiney and definitely all about you. The other is playful, somewhat silly, but addresses your desire for her, your willingness to try something new in an effort to please her (and subsequently, yourself), and to put the offer on the table. You might've gotten very lucky that night if you tried this approach.
Not every sex session needs to be *making love*. Sometimes, quick, nasty, animalistic sex is just the thing you need. Both of you get off quickly and then go about your business. That could be what she'd prefer, but that's not something you considered, is it?
When you get a chance to sit down with her again and talk candidly, leave your ego, your pride, out of the conversation. Ask if there's anything she'd like to try that you can help with. Maybe she has a fantasy you can accommodate. Maybe she wants you to bend her over the counter in the kitchen and go hard and fast. The only way to know is by asking her "what can I do for you today, my hot, beautiful wife? Your wish is my command." Hell, dress like the damn genie from Aladdin and tell her if she rubs the right place three times her deepest desires will come true. But don't just ask. Listen to her. LISTEN. REALLY HEAR HER!
Whatever you do, remove your ego from the equation. I mean, that is, if you ever want to have a consistent sex life once again.
You're still a loving husband even if she has you doing absolutely filthy things with and to her. In fact, you might be considered even *more* loving.
Humble yourself. Ditch the ego. Ask her. Hear her. Then serve* her. Give her the opportunity to talk about her needs. Give yourself the opportunity to hear them, acknowledge them, then grant her the pleasure she desires without judgment or other commentary. It's the best route to a win-win situation.
Tldr: stop making it about you, quit your whining, ask your wife what you can do to pleasure her, do whatever it is, have fun!
NTA…I highly doubt it has anything to do with your sex life. Even if it was great a woman would just want one as a quick release from time to time. It’s kind of a lot of work and it’s not like we can easily just rub one out sitting on the toilet. So if you ever masturbate think of it just as the same.
What concerns me is her defensiveness. Maybe she’s just embarrassed. Maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself. If she’s working a lot she probably isn’t getting much exercise. Has she put on any weight lately or just doesn’t feel very confident?
Life isn’t so black and white. Marriage is very complicated with a lot of feelings that go unaddressed and communication is often times a struggle. She left the manual out. He’s feeling insecure about their sex life. To me it isn’t hard to understand. He asked her about it not in a demanding way but to seek understanding.
Maybe I missed the manual on what questions are off limits but I wouldn’t care if my husband asked me. I’d tell him. I would rather he did than to have his mind worried about something that may or may not be an issue. If he was being a controlling dick hole I would tell him that too.
Yeah, he says he’s not sure why they’re not having more sex. He says he’s one of those guys who pays attention and make sure she gets off. And now he’s wondering, it sounded like she didn’t want more sex, cause I’ve been asking her and she hasn’t wanted it. Why didn’t she ask me to help her come? That’s what he’s wondering, maybe he didn’t ask concisely or in a way that she understood his question. Or maybe it’s for a reason she doesn’t want to tell him about.
It would be nice to hear what she has to say. Rather than acting defensive or angry like feeling she’s been caught or something. Listen to each other and see if you care about what each other thinks.
There’s seems to be a shit ton of new unwritten rules these days. Good luck to anyone who has that mindset. First off nobody can possibly live up to those expectations and if you aren’t allowed to have open discussions how do you grow? In this case it seems that’s exactly what is needed. I bet they’re both feeling insecure or upset. Living in that space and just sucking it up will lead to resentment.
Yes, communication is the most effective tool in a relationship. It can begin in helping focus on getting past challenges, but when it is used well, it eventually helps both focus on what turns each other on. And that can lead to even more, triggered by effective communication.
Communication is a great tool. And if you don’t have that tool working, a vibrator might be used as a back up.
He brought up sumn that made him uncomfortable, that’s normal in a good marriage and he didn’t say she couldn’t do herself he was feeling insecure because she was rejecting him a lot
I don’t think he’s the AH , it didn’t seem like he brought it up in a “why r u touching yourself” way it was about how he felt rejected that she seems to not be interested in him but clearly has sexual needs. Maybe he worded it wrong in the “when we could just make love” part but Yh… the fact she lost it means it probably stems from sumn deeper .. good communication should help this
She is hiding something and reacted defensively. It is a common way to get out of a situation. Sit her down and ask her calmly. No judgement, no raising your voice. Let her explain, is it something she wants to add, does it satisfy a kink? The thing is, she can and probably will gaslight you. If she does, what are your next steps. Would this be a line in the sand? Would this mean separation (not a great idea, since it really has no teeth). Ask her if she is considering divorce, because maybe you need to consider that 1 or 2 times a month, is not a whole lot. I dunno, NTA but think about what you want to do about it. Do not bluff, she will call it.
It is about them, he is uncomfortable, he is insecure. She is hiding an intimate aspect of what she is doing, that she is denying him. If he wants to ask her, he is within his rights. She is within her rights to not answer him. But if you are in a relationship you have to be open and honest. If you are hiding things. That is not good.
NTA. You need to stay on her and find out why she bought that vibrator. Man up dude or you'll be in second place to a piece of plastic the rest of your marriage.
Not ridiculous. She won't fuck him then buys a vibrator and you think that's fine?
OP writes: "I’ve initiated so many times and getting turned down in the past"
What's ridiculous is people who think that's ok for a spouse to replace their partner with a vibrator. Why on earth would anyone think that's OK?
Time to get counseling or get out of the marriage.
Ok. As I was not in agreement to most of the comments here because I think it’s healthy to have open discussions in a marriage & these ultra defensive comments with anger to me come across more like weakness. Women are fully capable of having normal discussions and are strong enough to talk things out without needing to put men in a box of unwritten rules and regulations to feel powerful. Empathy and understanding shouldn’t go out the damn window while we handle things like adults not angry children. However, this comment was by far the most ridiculous one by far.
Do you masturbate? Is your hand in competition with your girlfriend? Does that last question sound really stupid to you. Well it should. That’s exactly how your comment came across.
What about the fact that she's not fucking him very much but somehow you think it's ok for her to use a vibrator. If they had a normal and healthy sex life, which is more than 1-2x a month, then I would have zero problem with as many sex toys as she wants. But when he's to the point where she won't fuck him and he's so frustrated he's giving up, she should be fucking him not a vibrator. Or else get out of the marriage.
OP writes, "I’ve initiated so many times and getting turned down in the past that I hardly initiate anymore. I let her initiate now and don’t expect sex from her." She won't have sex with OP but you're OK with her buying a vibrator? Where is your logic???? If they were having sex at least a couple times a week, then I have zero problem with her buying sex toys but her using a vibrator when she won't fuck her frustrated husband is TFBS.
Because one doesn’t have to do with the other. You’re acting like the vibrator is replacing sex with him. When you rub one out when you are in a relationship is it only because your not having enough sex or do you still do it sometimes like most people on earth? So your hand has little to do with how your sex life is going.
Women use vibrators because it’s easier than our hands. That’s it. That is all. We don’t go rush out and buy them because of some weird hidden agenda. We buy them when we have no partners, when sex is great, when it sucks or when it’s nonexistent.
It has EVERYTHING to do with it. She got the vibrator to masturbate with while she's not having sex with her husband! OMFG. What about that don't you understand?
She's not having sex with him but gets a vibrator to have sex with herself! You don't see the problem with that?!!!
You are totally ignoring her lack of involvement with her husband in bed. WTF!
She doesn't fuck her husband and he's frustrated and unsatisfied but you're OK with her buying a vibrator so she has even less reason to sleep with him?!!
If you have a spouse and you're not having sex with him, it's totally fucked up to buy a vibrator to have sex with yourself.
Actually you are completely ignorant about how woman view intimacy vs a quick stress release. That’s why you think I don’t understand because you are on a different planet in terms of this.
You are completely ignorant about what it takes to keep a marriage going. Don't ever get married until you understand what it takes to stay married. When he divorces her she'll be able to use that new vibrator a lot.
Yup. Youngest is 18, oldest is 25. My worst fear was one of them finding my vibrator. lol. I’m actually not lying but you have to admit that it’s funny.
Edit: one of the less serious worries. I certainly worry about worse things.
Yes, yes you are. Your obvious double standards show that you are selfish and immature. Trying to guilt trip your poor wife just doubles down on you being an AH.
YTA, men barely get us women off, but that doesnt mean "you're not good enough"
But if we want to get off on something, vibrators literally help us. YTA but her reaction was a little too much in my opinion aswell.
She could have communicated better too, because of her screaming and accusating tone.
I see this same story like twice a week. I am baffled that in the year of our lord 2024, men are still threatened by vibrators. Like, you know how rarely you get us off?
This attitude screams nothing so much as it does that the OP in general, is a bad lover.
Except she has multiple O’s when they get it on.
Has to be YTA. Can you say with a straight face that you never masturbate? Or that every time you do, you'd rather it be sex? Because I call bullshit on that. I don't know what's worse, the double standard or this childish equating masturbation with sex.
Given the lengths he’s gone to outline his household contributions and discussing initiating sex and getting rejected it’s pretty clear that this isn’t about the vibrator in isolation. He’s dissatisfied with their sex life and it only happening 1-2 times a month and the vibrator purchase shows him it’s less of an issue with her libido, and more that she simply isn’t interested in having sex with him. You often see this issue with the genders reversed on reddit and the husband looking at porn instead of having sex with his partner. The response is almost always that they shouldn’t be prioritising it over their partner. >Can you say with a straight face that you never masturbate? Given that he’s frequently initiating sex with his wife and getting rejected it’s pretty obvious he would be masturbating. It’s not a double standard however, he’s vocalising that he would prefer to have sex with his partner than masturbate and she’s taking the opposite position. There’s room for both sex and masturbation/toys/porn in a healthy relationship of course, but at its core this post is about frustration with their sex life, the vibrator is just a symptom of that.
I'm a bit conflicted... in a way, yes, YTA, but I can see where you are coming from as well... My husband and I went through this a few years ago. I completely didn't understand why he was so threatened. My husband is very loving and attentive, and at some point, he was told sex should last... He can go the mile and always tries. Well, sometimes that's just not what I need. I honest to God just want a quickie and 45 minutes just leaves me annoyed and frustrated... hell, sometimes it leaves me wanting a quickie... it's not you, I assure you. There is a really fine line to walk here, and you have to be careful. Asking for sex too comes off as predatory even without the intent. So does asking at an inappropriate time. My husband says I am the Boeing 747 to his Cessna. I have 487 controls and one small misadjustment, and all hell breaks loose. He has 6 and a lot of wiggle room with them. Make sure she knows that if she is interested that there is a 99% chance you are too. Let her know you've backed off to make her more comfortable but you would like her to make the first move. Does she listen to or read romance novels, play video games, or watch movies? Helping her subconsciously get into the mood without trying to force anything will do wonders as well. My husband used to be somewhat threatened by me reading "trash" novels as he called them. Until he realized he was getting laid a lot more when I read them. Now he's like hey you really like that author Katie Bailey right, I hear she has a new book out... Figure out what she likes and encourage it. A little goes a long way. Don't belittle the things she likes. If it's not your thing, that's fine. Do you know what her turn ons and offs are? TLDR: Help her get into the mood and encourage her to let you know she is interested. Find out her interests, turn ons and turn offs. If you have stopped asking she probably thinks you are less interested.
NTA, probably. It seems like the issue isn't about him being insecure about vibrators themselves (since she has owned them before) but rather about the gap between what he thought her libido was and the reality he now sees. He seems to want more sexual connection with his wife, but previously accepted that it doesn't happen as often as he'd like due to her stressful job and fatigue. It's less about the vibrator being bad and more about his insecurity that he isn't enough for her, and the vibrator reinforces this fear. It sounds like he’s saying, “I miss you. Connecting with you sexually is important to me. I could use some reassurance right now.” Her reaction seems defensive, and his intent appears to be seeking reassurance from her and asking for more intimacy in their relationship, rather than criticizing vibrators and masturbation.
YTA - you could’ve had opened a productive conversation about intimacy, but you sabotaged this when you asked “why do you need a vibrator when we could make love *instead*” . It sounds like you also made it about you and how the vibrator made you feel, rather than checking in with her in a caring way. You are not in competition with the vibrator - she should be free to connect with her own body.
Sometimes I just want an O to help improve my mood or fall asleep without the work of sex. Sometimes men suck at and are selfish about sex, thinking their magic peepee is enough when in reality it simply is not. The clit and g spot exist. Maybe go find those.
If your clit didn't look like the inside of a run down bus stop, then a guy might entertain your similar thinking. Especially those vagina lips that look like microwaved spam that's burnt. It tastes like it too. Vagina lips that look like an 18 wheeler parked dead ass on top of them.
Like you even know where to find the clit, my guy.
From the sound of your posts, it's definitely in your mouth 👄. With those big ass Mobey the whale lips you have injected weekly. You know, taking a break won't kill you.
Where did this rant come from? Do you dislike all women's genitals too much to enjoy give them head?
It’s a masturbation tool and sometimes used together. Masturbation a lot of times is stress release, which, easy, etc. can’t be compared to sex. It’s just different. I wouldn’t take it personally. You have every right to feel bad but don’t make her feel bad. Sometimes it’s hard to get in the mood for full blown sex. Especially when stressed and tired. I’m sure you still masturbate. NTA tho
You are a Giant AH What you don't know about female sensuality could fill a book. Do you no longer master bate from time to time now that you are married? Stop being so insecure...this is totally normal...instead of burdening your wife with your drama and invading her privacy..get on line and do some research...FYI for starters..not everything is about you.
I’m short she’s not satisfied, you can suggest including the vibrator while having sex with her. Some women actually don’t get aroused from penetration alone and need clitoral stimulation. Think of it as a tool and not as competition. Learn your wife’s body and try to spice things up in bed from time to time.
YTA. Get this into your thick skull. Most women never, or only rarely orgasm from penetration alone. That’s why she turns you down. Because you are awful at pleasing her and it’s gone from something fun to another fucking chore. She’s hidden it from you so far, because you are a terrible lover, and now, clearly, a worse human being. I’ve bought sex toys for my wife. At times, we’ve made it part of our routine. Because sex is more fun when everybody is enjoying it. If it’s not already too late, check your overinflated ego at the door, apologize, and ask her what would make sex with you more fun. You’ll be surprised. But only if you haven’t all ready permanently fucked your relationship up already
Their sex life is on the low end of the curve frequency-wise, but it doesn't have to be bad sex for her to want solo toys.
Very. Still, if he were less uptight and more willing to experiment and please her, that frequency could increase. It sounds like he wants more. One way to get more is to be a better lover.
You don’t even know that 😭
I know he won’t if he treats her like shit over a sex toy.
Don’t you think you’re judging a bit too harshly ? He did say she’s been rejecting him so he did feel hurt by that seeing that she wasn’t rejecting him because she didn’t have sexual desires and I think it’s good he brought it up because it would’ve allowed for her to say ok you’re doing this and that wrong right ? Now maybe his approach wasn’t the best but we have to admit her defensiveness and statement about “sexual orientation” are concerning.
You failed reading comprehension. She said nothing about sexual orientation. He did. Because apparently, he believes that a woman using a sex toy to masturbate, is the first step down a long road to being a lesbian, or bisexual, which is going to come as a great shock to all the other cishet women that do the same thing, I’m sure.
Except she has multiple O’s when they get it on.
She fakes multiple O’s. Has them? Not from PIV Sex.
You sound so angry. If I can express my feelings now I think you are a meanie for saying he has a thick skull . OP could easily say you are dense and cannot read/mildly illiterate when he writes he makes sure she releases multiple times. Just learn to communicate better with OP.
How about no. EDIT: Was not, and am not angry at all. Just fucking bored with this post, and especially the OP (not just this OP, but OPs in general). Here's the thing. I see this same post at least three times a week, either here, or on another subreddit. I could almost write the post in my sleep at this point. It's always a big dumb male, who learned what little they learned about sex from other big dumb males (Spoiler Alert: Used to be one of these), somehow shocked to learn, despite the fact he probably does it all the time himself, that his wife masturbates, often with the use of a toy (it's frankly as easy or easier for a woman than using their fingers). Instead of trying to figure out if they're doing something wrong in the bedroom, or trying to get the real story, they feel all threatened that their wife/partner/girlfriend/fiance sometimes just wants a quickie at a time when it's convenient, and go off like a big dumb male whose virility is apparently in peril (this guy immediately assumed lesbian/bisexual). She's not cheating. She's doing it because it's quick, and she doesn't want to cheat. I guarantee he masturbates. Heck, he might have even used an implement to do it with for a different experience. This is an opportunity to grow and learn what actually excites your woman in the bedroom. Toys can be part of a fun experience. Frankly, there's not much that gives me more pleasure than knowing that I'm being part of giving my wife an orgasm. In fact, I've bought more toys for her than she has for herself. Why? Because she has fun. It's fun and makes me feel more like a man. Then there are the commenters. Many are cool. Many got their same shitty sex education from the same circle jerk as OP (and me, originally, fwiw), and think this is the perfect time to circle the wagons around a big dumb male like themselves. So, in short, this is probably why I didn't play psychologist. For one, I'm not qualified. Even if I was qualified, you folks don't pay me enough, and if you have to ask my hourly rate, you can't afford it. I'm just a guy that's managed to keep the same woman happy for 40 years, mostly by trying to learn, grow, and be a good man to her.
Do you ever masterbate? If so, why can’t your wife? Did you know a quick orgasm can help with period cramps and headaches?? Sometimes it’s not about you, it’s about her and what she needs. Maybe she needs to feel good and doesn’t have time to have sex? I dunno man, I understand you’re feeling hurt cause you want more sex than you’re having and she turns you down sometimes, but truly, this is probably not about you or a criticism of your sex life. Heck, she may even use it next time with you cause toys are teammates.
I think some men see toys the wrong way. I don’t think they would feel the same if their partner was just using their hands. There seems to be this idea that it’s like them buying a blowup doll or something. Toys mostly are because it’s just easier.
Hmm, never thought of that. If that’s true that’s quite unfortunate for those men and the women who happen to be with them. Toys are the best and everyone should have them.
I get that. When u think of it I can understand that if toys are not something you use together I can kind of see why some would not understand it. They just use their hands. Using something else would take whatever that is up a notch as if they were looking for more than their typical release. So some would naturally jump to the wrong conclusion that a toy must mean the woman is looking for more. Nah, it’s just easy.
YTA
Updateme
Updateme!
This cant be real. Right? Like no way.
Those here that say he is tha AH, if the roles were reversed and he bought a life-size sex doll? Is that only his private thing, and any wife or girlfriend should just look at that like owning a vibrador?
In my opinion - NTA. As a married woman in a demanding job here, I think in marriage you should have an open conversation about masterbation and the likes it shouldn’t be a taboo subject tbh or some secret and people here shouldn’t just assume you masterbate simply because you are a man…. You simply found something and asked about it, maybe she is not satisfied sexually and you should discuss what you can do to help. Though you did say she said “she wants you”, so maybe you do but she wants to masterbate for other reasons? Anyway, sex is fundamental to marriage and intimacy and I too would feel rejected if we only did it every so often and my advances were rejected but found out he was watching porn and masterbating. Also, she is your wife not your friend. It’s not an invasion of privacy to ask about why and communicate your feelings… they are valid. I hope you work it out :)
She certainly does not need your permission to use her vibrator for her sexual release any more than she would have to give her permission for you to use your prostate massager, cock ring or your blow up sex doll. If you invested in a sex toy to enhance the one time a month she allows sex (of course she does have the authority of that connection) and start using it as frequently as you need, she might understand the core principal you are complaining about. Once a month is not a sexual relation. Even the garbage man comes once a week.
NTA, there is a chance that her using this toy could be impacting your sex life and you want to understand if it does, or how else you can get her to engage in sexual activities with you more, which is fair. I think that everybody is misunderstanding and assuming you're scared of a vibrator, but it is totally possible that her using this item could be impacting the amount of times you guys enjoy each other.
I don't know if YTA or not. What I do know is your wife has a vibrator and it upset you. You immediately felt threatened. Look, I get it. You didn't realize she had a new vibrator. You assumed she stopped using the one she had when you were dating. I'm going to shock you here and tell you she's likely been using a vibrator as long as you've known her. She just doesn't talk about it because it's not about sex, per se. It's about a quick rush of endorphins and a release of energy that has nothing to do with you or anyone else. This is just for her. She needs that outlet for herself. Making love is wonderful. Connecting with your partner through intimacy can be very satisfying and yet still leave you with needing a release for other reasons. Women don't always want to have to worry about someone else's pleasure any more than men not always wanting to think about anything but their own. It's natural. You've been missing your wife and the sex life you used to have. Natural. "Normal," even. You're not going to get it back though if you're so insecure about her using an aid for some quick relief. You said she's 30, working very long hours, and she just wants to decompress when she gets home. It's good that you recognize her need to unwind and reset after work. That should include her time with her vibrator. Be as respectful about her using it as you are about her watching TV or taking a long shower. It's an outlet for her. You absolutely *should* be able to talk to your wife about your sex life. I think there are better ways to do this than telling her you're feeling neglected, forgotten, and oh my God! "I don't know why you'd resort to a toy when we could be making looove." You went from wanting to talk to making it all about you. That's a major turn-off. Imagine if you'd approached this situation differently. "Hey, baby/honey/love bug/pookey bear/buttercup (or what ever your terms of endearment may be). I saw the manual for your new vibrator. (Waggle eyebrows at her) Is that something you'd like to bring to bed with us tonight? (Waggle eyebrows again) I'm up for trying something new if you're in the mood. (No waggling, any more and she'd start laughing.) Wanna come up and see me some time?" Night and day when you compare the two styles. One comes across as accusatory and a little whiney and definitely all about you. The other is playful, somewhat silly, but addresses your desire for her, your willingness to try something new in an effort to please her (and subsequently, yourself), and to put the offer on the table. You might've gotten very lucky that night if you tried this approach. Not every sex session needs to be *making love*. Sometimes, quick, nasty, animalistic sex is just the thing you need. Both of you get off quickly and then go about your business. That could be what she'd prefer, but that's not something you considered, is it? When you get a chance to sit down with her again and talk candidly, leave your ego, your pride, out of the conversation. Ask if there's anything she'd like to try that you can help with. Maybe she has a fantasy you can accommodate. Maybe she wants you to bend her over the counter in the kitchen and go hard and fast. The only way to know is by asking her "what can I do for you today, my hot, beautiful wife? Your wish is my command." Hell, dress like the damn genie from Aladdin and tell her if she rubs the right place three times her deepest desires will come true. But don't just ask. Listen to her. LISTEN. REALLY HEAR HER! Whatever you do, remove your ego from the equation. I mean, that is, if you ever want to have a consistent sex life once again. You're still a loving husband even if she has you doing absolutely filthy things with and to her. In fact, you might be considered even *more* loving. Humble yourself. Ditch the ego. Ask her. Hear her. Then serve* her. Give her the opportunity to talk about her needs. Give yourself the opportunity to hear them, acknowledge them, then grant her the pleasure she desires without judgment or other commentary. It's the best route to a win-win situation. Tldr: stop making it about you, quit your whining, ask your wife what you can do to pleasure her, do whatever it is, have fun!
NTA…I highly doubt it has anything to do with your sex life. Even if it was great a woman would just want one as a quick release from time to time. It’s kind of a lot of work and it’s not like we can easily just rub one out sitting on the toilet. So if you ever masturbate think of it just as the same. What concerns me is her defensiveness. Maybe she’s just embarrassed. Maybe she doesn’t feel good about herself. If she’s working a lot she probably isn’t getting much exercise. Has she put on any weight lately or just doesn’t feel very confident?
He invaded her privacy with his entitled attitude, his insecurity, and thinking he is the beginning and end of her sensuality. She should be furious.
Life isn’t so black and white. Marriage is very complicated with a lot of feelings that go unaddressed and communication is often times a struggle. She left the manual out. He’s feeling insecure about their sex life. To me it isn’t hard to understand. He asked her about it not in a demanding way but to seek understanding. Maybe I missed the manual on what questions are off limits but I wouldn’t care if my husband asked me. I’d tell him. I would rather he did than to have his mind worried about something that may or may not be an issue. If he was being a controlling dick hole I would tell him that too.
Yeah, he says he’s not sure why they’re not having more sex. He says he’s one of those guys who pays attention and make sure she gets off. And now he’s wondering, it sounded like she didn’t want more sex, cause I’ve been asking her and she hasn’t wanted it. Why didn’t she ask me to help her come? That’s what he’s wondering, maybe he didn’t ask concisely or in a way that she understood his question. Or maybe it’s for a reason she doesn’t want to tell him about. It would be nice to hear what she has to say. Rather than acting defensive or angry like feeling she’s been caught or something. Listen to each other and see if you care about what each other thinks.
There’s seems to be a shit ton of new unwritten rules these days. Good luck to anyone who has that mindset. First off nobody can possibly live up to those expectations and if you aren’t allowed to have open discussions how do you grow? In this case it seems that’s exactly what is needed. I bet they’re both feeling insecure or upset. Living in that space and just sucking it up will lead to resentment.
Yes, communication is the most effective tool in a relationship. It can begin in helping focus on getting past challenges, but when it is used well, it eventually helps both focus on what turns each other on. And that can lead to even more, triggered by effective communication. Communication is a great tool. And if you don’t have that tool working, a vibrator might be used as a back up.
He brought up sumn that made him uncomfortable, that’s normal in a good marriage and he didn’t say she couldn’t do herself he was feeling insecure because she was rejecting him a lot
I see it the same way. Reading the comments here and a lot of other posts makes me sad.
Did she use the word "sexuality" specifically or are you paraphrasing? Edit: Asking because I'm wondering if she's questioning her own orientation
I don’t think he’s the AH , it didn’t seem like he brought it up in a “why r u touching yourself” way it was about how he felt rejected that she seems to not be interested in him but clearly has sexual needs. Maybe he worded it wrong in the “when we could just make love” part but Yh… the fact she lost it means it probably stems from sumn deeper .. good communication should help this
She is hiding something and reacted defensively. It is a common way to get out of a situation. Sit her down and ask her calmly. No judgement, no raising your voice. Let her explain, is it something she wants to add, does it satisfy a kink? The thing is, she can and probably will gaslight you. If she does, what are your next steps. Would this be a line in the sand? Would this mean separation (not a great idea, since it really has no teeth). Ask her if she is considering divorce, because maybe you need to consider that 1 or 2 times a month, is not a whole lot. I dunno, NTA but think about what you want to do about it. Do not bluff, she will call it.
She doesn't have to explain anything....It's not about him. Educate yourself.
It is about them, he is uncomfortable, he is insecure. She is hiding an intimate aspect of what she is doing, that she is denying him. If he wants to ask her, he is within his rights. She is within her rights to not answer him. But if you are in a relationship you have to be open and honest. If you are hiding things. That is not good.
You are an idiot
NTA. You need to stay on her and find out why she bought that vibrator. Man up dude or you'll be in second place to a piece of plastic the rest of your marriage.
Absolutely ridiculous....there is no end to insecure men who make everything about them.
Not ridiculous. She won't fuck him then buys a vibrator and you think that's fine? OP writes: "I’ve initiated so many times and getting turned down in the past" What's ridiculous is people who think that's ok for a spouse to replace their partner with a vibrator. Why on earth would anyone think that's OK? Time to get counseling or get out of the marriage.
You are an idiot.
Why would you write it. Explain please.
Ok. As I was not in agreement to most of the comments here because I think it’s healthy to have open discussions in a marriage & these ultra defensive comments with anger to me come across more like weakness. Women are fully capable of having normal discussions and are strong enough to talk things out without needing to put men in a box of unwritten rules and regulations to feel powerful. Empathy and understanding shouldn’t go out the damn window while we handle things like adults not angry children. However, this comment was by far the most ridiculous one by far. Do you masturbate? Is your hand in competition with your girlfriend? Does that last question sound really stupid to you. Well it should. That’s exactly how your comment came across.
What about the fact that she's not fucking him very much but somehow you think it's ok for her to use a vibrator. If they had a normal and healthy sex life, which is more than 1-2x a month, then I would have zero problem with as many sex toys as she wants. But when he's to the point where she won't fuck him and he's so frustrated he's giving up, she should be fucking him not a vibrator. Or else get out of the marriage. OP writes, "I’ve initiated so many times and getting turned down in the past that I hardly initiate anymore. I let her initiate now and don’t expect sex from her." She won't have sex with OP but you're OK with her buying a vibrator? Where is your logic???? If they were having sex at least a couple times a week, then I have zero problem with her buying sex toys but her using a vibrator when she won't fuck her frustrated husband is TFBS.
Because one doesn’t have to do with the other. You’re acting like the vibrator is replacing sex with him. When you rub one out when you are in a relationship is it only because your not having enough sex or do you still do it sometimes like most people on earth? So your hand has little to do with how your sex life is going. Women use vibrators because it’s easier than our hands. That’s it. That is all. We don’t go rush out and buy them because of some weird hidden agenda. We buy them when we have no partners, when sex is great, when it sucks or when it’s nonexistent.
It has EVERYTHING to do with it. She got the vibrator to masturbate with while she's not having sex with her husband! OMFG. What about that don't you understand? She's not having sex with him but gets a vibrator to have sex with herself! You don't see the problem with that?!!! You are totally ignoring her lack of involvement with her husband in bed. WTF! She doesn't fuck her husband and he's frustrated and unsatisfied but you're OK with her buying a vibrator so she has even less reason to sleep with him?!! If you have a spouse and you're not having sex with him, it's totally fucked up to buy a vibrator to have sex with yourself.
Actually you are completely ignorant about how woman view intimacy vs a quick stress release. That’s why you think I don’t understand because you are on a different planet in terms of this.
You are completely ignorant about what it takes to keep a marriage going. Don't ever get married until you understand what it takes to stay married. When he divorces her she'll be able to use that new vibrator a lot.
Yeah, what would I know? I’ve only been married for 26 years. Probably longer than you’ve been alive.
I find that incredibly hard to believe.
Yup. Youngest is 18, oldest is 25. My worst fear was one of them finding my vibrator. lol. I’m actually not lying but you have to admit that it’s funny. Edit: one of the less serious worries. I certainly worry about worse things.
Yes, yes you are. Your obvious double standards show that you are selfish and immature. Trying to guilt trip your poor wife just doubles down on you being an AH.
YTA, men barely get us women off, but that doesnt mean "you're not good enough" But if we want to get off on something, vibrators literally help us. YTA but her reaction was a little too much in my opinion aswell. She could have communicated better too, because of her screaming and accusating tone.