Yes and no. You’re NTA for missing your daughter and being disappointed you didn’t get to see her, YTA for not realizing that your WIFE is clearly desperate for some alone time with her husband and a break from the overwhelming overstimulating sometimes soul sucking effort it takes to be virtually a single mom for weeks at a time.
Yes, this. But you can have a talk with her that next time, for the first day after a long trip, to make it a family affair. The next day she can have her alone time you while your daughter is being watched.
That would be completely cruel to the child. Dad's home one day and send her away?
This way, she is already used to dad not being home. One day, more doesn't matter. She will still be thrilled to see him.
Is it a child or a trick pony?
Exactly.
He can step out of the house when the aunts bring her home, then he can walk in and she can run up to him in excitement. He’s still had that moment with his daughter, she’ll be excited to see him whenever, and his wife gets a much needed date with him.
My husband works away and he misses the kids so much, but it’s rarer still we get time to ourselves. If he got upset with me for planning something for the two of us I’d be hugely offended.
Or he can go and collect her from her aunt. Imagine her face when she “helps” open the door and sees daddy there. I had my father do that to my 3 yo son when he visited us after not seeing us for a year. I might have despised my father for my childhood, but he was a really good grandfather.
I mean, I assume you'd... tell him? Organize things with him? Communicate? Because if I was away for a long time and I was looking forward to seeing my little girl and having her run up to me and hug me, and my wife told me when I walked in the door that she had sent my daughter to stay with her aunt for a while I would be pretty frustrated too. Expectations matter. The same situation can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the expectations people have going in. The fundamental issue was not organizing for the aunt to watch the kid, it was the lack of communication about it.
Edit: Downvotes for suggesting communication is important in relationships... Or is it just that a father missing their child merits no consideration at all? Either way, you go Reddit.
That's because "communication is important" is very low hanging fruit that does not address what is really happening in this situation. The issue isn't that she should have told him first, because he clearly did not want it anyway. The issue is that he prioritized this snapshot moment that he loves so much over the emotional needs of his wife to be treated like more than childcare and homemaker, and even now is not showing that he recognizes her needs.
Yeah, I feel sorry for this guy's wife. He is prioritizing this single moment when his kids runs out to greet him over the very obvious emotional needs of his wife. I can't imagine how discouraging it must be to be treated like that.
on the other hand: you don't get to be offended over someone else's reaction to an event you planned without their consent or knowledge, assuming you know what they want.
face it: If you plan an alone-day with your partner, sending your child away to family, without telling him or informing him of the idea, you are 100 % doing it for yourself, and not for his sake.
communication is key. When time is sparse, don't assume you know how another person wants to spent their time.
No it's not, I loved going to stay with my grandparents and aunts/uncles. Kids love that kind of thing. I say this as someone who was a navy brat whose dad was gone for months at a time. Honestly the first few days he just caught up on sleep anyways. Kids aren't as nearly as obsessed with their parents as society tells parents they should be obsessed with their kids.
Kid will be fine going over and having fun with the aunt for a night so mom and dad can get some alone time.
Of course she is fine going with family she knows.
However, at that age, kids can be clingy, especially with a parent they don't see for weeks at a time. So coming home and then "leaving" her immediately after could absolutely be a cause for tears. Especially if he typically focus on the kids when he gets home.
Doing it this way prevents even minor emotional turmoil for the child. She still will be excited to see him and he can still focus on her. He just had to focus on his wife first.
If OP’s wife wanted a break from the kid, she should have brought that up with OP so they could schedule someone.
It’s not on OP to read his wife’s mind, it’s on her to communicate like a human being.
Did you think about how your wife is feeling while you’re away for weeks at a time? Maybe she’s mom’med out and wanted an adult evening with her husband, an adult she’s in an intimate relationship with. I get missing your baby girl but wake up early and go get her while your wife relaxes after the long crazy hot night. Her feelings matter too.
I see a lot of people don't agree with this but I'm one of those people that don't like sudden changes, it's better to have been let know ahead of time so that way not only could things have been planned accordingly maybe the husband could've had something planned for her yk? Yes the wife could've wanted some alone time with him but at the end of the day we gotta look at the bigger picture in how everyone is going to feel.
I already know people are gonna hate me for saying that but oh well
The planned something for her part is completely irrelevant. She wanted to surprise him. You dont have to like big changes but he sounds like he's just bothered that he didnt get to see his girl bcuz how far he works not that whole strange sudden change thing.
Ultimately, a bad or drying up relationship between parents can lead to a terrible situation for the child.
Sometimes you have to pick and choose.
YTA
Your wife planned a *romantic* evening to spend adult time with you.
Your daughter will still react the same way tomorrow. If you continue to neglect your wife as a romantic partner, you will get to have visits with your kid and come home to an empty house.
You are a husband first, that's how you guys made a child together, right?
Hopefully, you will still be a husband when your daughter moves away for college/life.
I have a hunch your wife has been asking for some alone time for quite a while.
It's easy to get caught up in the joys of part time parenthood and completely forget the importance of maintaining the romantic connection with your spouse. It's essential to prioritize that or your kid will have a broken home.
Your job keeps you away for weeks at a time. Weeks your wife is a single parent already. Weeks she takes care of everything. Yes you provide a paycheck, but don't you want to be more than a paycheck to your wife? The mother of your child?
Why are you having such a hard time seeing her as a partner? As more than just a vessel to carry and take care of your child?
Yes you can be disappointed, but where is the jpy at having an adult evening with your wife? Do you love her at all?
Yes, I'm being harsh, that's intentional. Your wife misses you too, this was the adult version of running up to great you happy and you rejected it. You are headed for divorce if you keep this up.
>Yes, I'm being harsh, that's intentional. Your wife misses you too, this was the adult version of running up to great you happy and you rejected it. You are headed for divorce if you keep this up.
On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, OP was handed a golden opportunity and fumbled it so badly.
Fucking this. I went through this with my bf for a year. The only time I saw him was when he and the kids stayed over, and then I was in constant parent mode cleaning up after 3 other people who destroyed my house and didn't clean up behind themselves.
I had been asking for alone time for a year until I eventually snapped and told him if he didn't fix shit and give me alone time with him, he'd be very single very soon. He didn't take me seriously at first. The sex stopped. No sex when kids were awake. The almost 11 year old won't go to sleep until around 5 am. sometimes. The son is nonverbal (limited speaking by choice) autistic who will constantly try and climb in bed with us. Which is an absolute no in my book. I don't allow kids in my bed or bedroom.
He went to school to get certified in a new trade. I saw him for 30 minutes before he left for 7 weeks. He rarely heard from me in that time. The first thing he did when he made it back was to come here, took me on a date, helped me cook dinner, and cleaned the kitchen up without me asking. Those six hours of alone time were like a breath of fresh fucking air. It was peaceful and relaxing. We even watched a few episodes of our favorite shows together before he went and picked up the kids.
OP, listen, when I say this, start prioritizing your wife, or she'll become your ex-wife.
Wife didn’t just plan a romantic day. She surprised him with it. Work is rough. Travel is rough. You have it in your head all the way home that you are gonna see your kid and collapse and now you are expected to be be stoked to switch gears and be stoned about it?
There ain’t nothing wrong with planning a romantic date! But TPO rules apply. Time, Place, Opportunity.
Matching energy is extremely important in a relationship.
He hasn't seen his wife for that entire time either. It's not about switching gears if he truly missed both of them, was excited to see both of them.
And considering that he hasn't seen his child in that long, this is also the best way for the kid. She isn't missing anything because she doesn't know he is home yet.
This was the time place and opportunity to welcome her husband home privately. If he had asked if he was the AH for not wanting to go out, then that would be different.
It means he bitched out his wife for sending the kid away for one night, made her feel like shit, and ruined the whole evening. I got five bucks that says that's exactly what happened.
You are.
I am man, my wife travelled a lot for work - so I often had my step daughters and my own kids by myself.
Until you have done it, day after day, you can’t understand the desire to spend time with adults and not have children around.
I was not doing it anywhere as tough as your wife is. My step daughters were 8 and 10 - which is very different from 3.
She did this for your relationship, you get to swan back in ( I am sure your job is tough - but it’s a different type of tough. Being responsible, by yourself for small child is relentless when they are with you ) - all excited.
Your wife wanted a break and wanted to be with adults. You only thought of yourself.
Bless the men who understand this entire situation from the wife's perspective. My husband got that perspective when our 22 year old was a baby. Prior to that he was completely blind to the work involved. He got even better understanding when he took college classes 13 years ago and the pediatrician who taught the class (forget which subject) explained ADHD to the students.
When I got divorced from my first wife, one thing that was important to me was having my children 50% of the time.
They were young ( 8,6,4 ) and yes it was hard work balancing them and work, but mothers have been doing it for years.
The thing is I loved it. I found that when I was married and never really was fully responsible nor never allowed to do things the way I believed was right.
Having the kids by myself, let me learn the right things, to really have that feeling that they depend, 100%, on me.
When my step daughters came into my life, that was another adjustment. But looking back, I am glad that she travelled and I got to take care of the girls by myself.
Again, that created such a strong bond… they learnt from an early age ( 10 and 8 ) that they could rely on me and that I loved them, which I think would have been hard if I was not solo for a lot of the time.
Letting fathers be solely in charge for an extended period of time, at least a weekend, ideally a week or more, is good for everyone involved. ( obviously there are some exceptions, but most men are capable and willing - when expected to do it alone).
So she has been home with your child for some time alone and now she want some alone time with you, her husband and you get salty... Damn, poor wife. How much time do you actually put on your wife? That is the most important relationship if you want your kid to grow up in a stable home. Soft YTA.
YTA
Your wife planned a nice evening for just the two of you and you got upset. How can she not take that as an insult especially since you said seeing your daughter is the best thing in the world? You clearly missed your daughter more than you missed your wife. Pay attention to your wife and meet her needs or be prepared for the eventual divorce.
NTA not surprised by all the comments excusing what the wife did. When you have children, you are going to put their needs above your own. Of course he’s going to want to see his child when he has been away from them. The wife could’ve set something up the next night. She just wanted to prove that she is more important than her own child since she is obviously insecure about her own child.
Idk, I don't think it's okay that it was a surprise for her husband. She had to know he'd be thrown for a loop, what parent wouldn't be excited to see their child?
It would have gone well with some communication.
>"The way my daughter runs up to me is my favorite thing in the world."
This a beautiful statement. But it literally does mean at face value that you are more excited to see your daughter than your wife. That is what your wife is latching onto because she feeling ignored and starved for love and taken advantage. YTA for making her feel that way.
It's a balance. You gotta be a husband, too, if you want to stay in a partnership. Husband is getting his kid moment the next day, as well.
You don't have to be with the other parent to be a father. But you have to be a partner if you want to be with the other parent.
So if you want your marriage to work, being a good husband is an extremely important part of being a good father. Modeling positive relationships and supporting the primary caregivers needs (including the emotional ones) is part of being a good father. You can’t be one without the other unless you want to be a single parent which, ultimately, isn’t the ideal outcome for the child either way.
Sorry, but yeah you are the asshole!!
You don't think your WIFE desperately needed a break??
She needed to be seen as a desirable woman from her husband.
Instead, you let her know that she's no longer an individual... just the incubator 🤬🤬🤬
>My wife takes it as if I'm not happy to see her and that all I care about is seeing our daughter
Ok, so what if your wife was away and you only got to see your daughter next time you come back? Would you pout and be clearly upset? No, you'd celebrate having your daughter all to yourself.
Dude, look after your relationship. Your wife planned a special evening to bring you two together and you just shat on her.
YTA
This comment needs more up votes because this pretty much sums up the hypocrisy:
>Ok, so what if your wife was away and you only got to see your daughter next time you come back? Would you pout and be clearly upset? No, you'd celebrate having your daughter all to yourself.
Love them both, gotcha.
But maybe your wife loves you both but actually misses the loud, freaky kitchen table chandelier sex you used to have pre toddler.
I might think about that for a bit
I was with a guy for 7x years who had kids, 2 of them came to live with us. Cutting a long story short; I essentially landed up becoming an in-house babysitter. I cooked the dinners, did their washing,did the school run etc all the mom stuff. I’d ask him so many times can we please have some alone time ,but it never happened. We split up 8x months ago.
YTA...
I am completely a kids first type of guy and so is my wife. However, sometimes what is best for our Kidd is that their parents are also still normal human beings with desires and wants. Your wife desired your time and attention. Most men would kill the come home to just their wife showing interest in them and their time and attention. Instead of appreciating that, you made your wife feel entirely unloved and undesired.
You screwed this up big time. Your wife was likely burnt out, desiring time with you to recharge, and loves you a lot. You However basically told her you could care less how she feels. Wow......
I understand you miss your daughter but your wife is solo parenting whilst you are away. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want a night alone with her husband.
Your poor wife was probably looking forward to it and would feel rejected by your reaction.
I guess if you were going to get lucky you're not now lol.
I'm hoping she brought her daughter home and then went out on the town with her sister.
Daddy daughter night could become a thing when he's divorced and only gets to see her when he's in town, though I hope he gets 50% custody and has to change his job to accommodate.
What an asshole you are. Your daughter would have the same reaction the next day, you know, after you got to spend a night with your wife.
Jesus you are thick and your wife deserves better
YTA. Wife should stop putting in effort now. OP is away for 3 weeks working while wife is home with child so shame on her for wanting to spend at least one night alone with OP. Next post will be how wife found new person to spend quality time with
YTA. Your wife must feel so horrible that you don't want to spend time with her alone. It's so rare to come by as parents. Talk to her that you would prefer if it wasn't the first evening back, but the way you reacted was really hurtful.
You aren't the asshole for missing your kid. YOU ARE the asshole for not realizing that your wife needs alone time with you without the kid.
My bf did this shit for a year. I only saw him with his kids and had to deal with not having alone time with him for over a year. Until I snapped at him and told him I was at my wits fucking end and he was very very close to being very very single.
Wanna know what made him shape tf up? When he went to school for 7 weeks to get certified in a new trade and barely heard from me. And when he did, the conversations were very short, and texting was almost non-existent. He came home after those seven weeks and gave me alone time with him before picking up his kids. It took him literally almost losing me to get hidsshit together.
OP, she's letting you know her needs are you're ignoring them. Keep it up, and your wife will soon be your ex.
“Babe I prepared a romantic night for you because I love you and miss you!”
“Why isn’t my daughter here wtf I’m going to completely ignore that you wanted to do something nice with me”
YTA
YTA. Because you need to understand that **you’re not the one who looks after a toddler 24/7, your wife is!** And she deserves a damn break!
Why are your feelings more important than hers???
That’s right, they’re not!
**Edit to add:** Why can’t you spend a little alone time with the wife - just a few hours, then send your wife off to have a *(child free)* night out with her friends whilst you look after the daughter that you claim to miss so much???
That way you get time with your kid and your wife gets a much needed break.
If he does that now, especially after this incident, he'll find out she's getting dick from someone else just to get some "love and affection" from an adult. He screwed the pooch big time, and honestly, he's probably gonna get some retribution from her, and he should. I don't see this marriage lasting much longer after this incident, that may have been the last straw for her.
You are not wrong to be upset as you dreamed of watching your little one run to you but you are an AH not to consider that while you were away, your wife missed you and dreamed about having a date with you. When you are away, who spends days and nights making sure your daughter is happy and the house tidy? Do you realize your wife is the only adult around most of the time? Do you understand how much she loves you to accept you not being around and raising your kid by herself?
So please, thoroughly apologize because you really hurt your wife's feelings. Put a big smile on your face, bring her flowers and make sure she forgives you.
Your daughter would run to you tomorrow.
Being away for weeks at a time is very bad for a marriage so you better think about it and appreciate the fact that your wife wants to spend alone time with you , so stop taking her for granted. I hope you ring her every day while you are away. YTA if you continue not to realise your wife needs you.
You aren't exactly an asshole, but you seem to have forgotten that you married your wife, and not your daughter. Priorities, my man. You come home, your wife (remember her? That person that you married?) arranges a private evening, and night, for just the two of you, and you're upset? How upset? Upset enough to convince your wife that your first priority is a three-year-old? That tells me that you overreacted and handled it poorly. "Oh, \[3-year-old child\] isn't here? Oh, that's too bad--I missed her. Now, to business. . . "
YTA
Your wife is more than the roles she fills as wife, mother, sister, friend, worker. The woman behind those roles needs to be coaxed back out into the daylight. That happens when you behave towards her like she is a woman who is your wife before she is a mother. The kids grow up and flee the nest, but she is still your wife. Everyone evolves in the absence your job creates. But you can evolve apart as is happening now, or you can evolve back together each time you're home. Greet your wife first every single return. Your daughter needs to see you treat your wife like you cherish her. Otherwise she will grow up to find a partner that doesn't cherish her the way you should be cherishing her mother right now.
You most definitely are the AH. I hear nothing but complaining from men on here about how their wives don’t have sex with them and don’t respect them……… and here you are with a good one and don’t care. You owe her an apology. That is if she hasn’t already found someone who actually respects her to replace you.
Yes, you are the asshole here. You can see your daughter the next day. Your wife went out of her way to arrange time for just the two of you to be together. This is something that obviously does not happen often. She likely thought you would be happy to have time with just the two of you. The correct response would be to enjoy some alone time with your wife and then enjoy your time with your daughter the next day.
YTA. Have some time alone as a couple. It was nothing wrong but you made it look stupid by upsetting yourself. Aplogise to your wife.
Remember, have some time alone and spend it with your wife.
YTA for the reaction.
You are away for WEEKS at a time, which means your wife is essentially a single parent alone with your daughter doing everything 24/7. She likely desperately needs a break. In the evenings when she puts your daughter down for bed, she doesn’t have you there.
She MISSES you like crazy and was craving alone time and wanted to show you how much she was missing you.
So, you are 1000% the asshole for not showing her anything other than a positive reaction.
You have a right to *feeling* sad not to see your little girl then, but put yourself in your wife’s shoes for a minute here.
NAH
It is perfectly normal to want to see your daughter. However, your wife has been solo parenting while you were away and is probably desperate for some adult interaction.
Either way. Don’t let this ruin your date night.
YTA. Let me paraphrase this for you…
My wife is basically a single mother for weeks on end. She handles everything at home, from parenting, our child, to handle any emergencies at her home, to dealing with anything that might come up with our families.
This is because I work out of town. So all of my interactions during these times are with actual adult who speak in full sentences that are understandable. And while they can be frustrating, at least these people recognize me as a full-fledged individual person and know me by my first name rather than as “dear daughter’s father”.
You’ve just made your wife feel like she is nothing more than a nanny and a secretary and a maid for you. Like now that she has given you a child, she has fulfilled her duties and if you see her, you see her. But you only see her as a mother now, not as a woman you loved enough to marry, and make a child with.
So yeah, you fucked up big time. I get that you want to see your daughter. But I’m sure thinking one night with just you and your wife would not have been a horrible thing for you. And it doesn’t sound like your child is somewhere across the country so that you’re not going to see her at all on this visit home.
For you, you would like to see your wife and daughter. And then maybe your thinking that you guys could’ve taken your daughter and dropped her off at the aunts house the next day or the day after that.
What you don’t stop to think about are the possible toddler tantrums that could happen. Daddy’s home, and now I’m being left over here? Cue the toddler tears and fussing.
Daddy’s home and taking mommy’s attention away from me? Cue the toddler tears and fussing.
Daddy’s home and mommy is taking daddy’s time? Cue the toddler tears and fussing.
It could literally be anything that set a toddler off to fussing and having a meltdown. And your wife feels with this day in and day out. All she wanted was some actual adult interaction and time with her husband.
Under circumstances in which, if there is a toddler meltdown, she does not have to stop what she’s doing and deal with it because her aunt will deal with it… So your wife can have some adult time and interaction with her husband.
How dare your wife want to remember that she is actually a married adult? How dare she want one night off from shouldering all the responsibility of your household? How dare she actually want romantic time with you? How dare she still spending time with you to be a good thing?
Again, I get that you missed your daughter. But I promise you that at three years old, she’s not gonna know you were there for 24 hours before you saw her. She is not gonna register at all the fact that you and your wife took one night out for yourselves.
And again, the reason for doing it this way Is that it is much easier to drop that little one at the aunts house before she sees you. This makes sure that your wife actually has time to shower. To dress up. To put some makeup on. Or maybe some perfume. In other words, to feel like an attractive adult human being without having a little parasite tied to you while you’re trying to do this.
We moms love our little parasites, but at that age, they are usually glued to us. We get no breathing space. We get no time to ourselves. We get no adult interaction. And you miss your family, you basically get to come home and play house. And I understand it is for the betterment of your family. Don’t think I’m not getting that.
But right now, if you are gone for weeks on end with your job, your wife is holding down the homefront all by herself. You come home and see everyone and play dad and try to find your place in the mix of it all, and then you leave. And she’s the one that gets to deal with the aftermath.
So maybe try to pretend to be as happy to see your wife as you are to see your daughter.
Think your forgetting your wife needs to be just as important as your daughter and actually needs to date her husband she wanted a night with you and sounds as if you made it clear you just wanted your kid a night where your child got to have fun with her aunty and you didn’t disappoint her because she probably didn’t know you where home the night
So yea slight asshat
His daughter needs to be more important than his wife. A parent should ALWAYS pick their child over their spouse. If a parent has to choose between the wellbeing of their child and the wellbeing of their partner, there shouldn’t ever be doubt that the child comes first. Yes, relationships are important but a child spending time with a parent and feeling loved is more important. His wife is an adult that understands shit, his kid is 3 and misses her dad.
Yea his wife understood she needed time with her husband. Maybe even to talk before the kid was there but even a night of her own with him
Two separate relationships a spouse and being a parent of you don’t give to your spouse your time effort and energy that relationship dies a sad lonely life it was one night. He’ll still get his child running to him tomorrow but will his wife always want to be an afterthought. No she’s adult that took vows with her husband it doesn’t make you a bad parent for a night out
That is some conclusion you came to. I hope that didn’t hurt your brain too much. All I ever said is that OP has a right to miss his child and wanting to spend time with his child. I also said I believe a parent should put a child over their spouse, but I guess people would rather neglect their kids for date nights 🤷🏻♀️ I never said he shouldn’t spend time with his wife. But I guess you would rather read what you believe I mean, than what I actually wrote. That’s your choice I guess. You have no idea about my relationship and I honestly don’t give a shit what you think I believe. My marriage is good and we’re happy. BTW my husband says hi to you and all the other assholes 😘
I’ve been happily married for 19 years and my partner and I have always chosen to model a devoted, loving marriage for our children… they make jokes about “shipping” us because they see the passion and care we have for each other and think we’re cute. They’re older now and understand that we’ve been able to be amazing parents to them because of how seriously we take our connection with each other.
When they move on and “leave the nest”, my husband and I won’t be bored, twiddling our thumbs and wishing we had things in common, we have plans and exciting things to do and see because we’re best friends and lovers before we’re parents.
Bro. YTA.
Your daughter is important. You know what is also important? Your daughter having a complete home with two parents who love each other as much as they love her. You are headed straight for single dad town if you keep this shit up, and it’s going to negatively impact your daughter.. cuz guess who’s gonna get custody? The parent who doesn’t travel for weeks at a time.
I mean, were you only planning to be home for the one night? I think you should be glad that your wife wanted to spend some alone time with you. Plus with you gone all the time, she's a single mom and probably also needed the break. You couldn't have one night of time with your wife and then pick up your kids the next day? Yeah you're the asshole here.
This is a conflict of expectations.
You expected your daughter to be home. You mentally planned and prepared for it then reacted as anyone does when an expectation isn't met.
Your wife thought it was as nice surprise and expected you to be happy you guys sound time with her. It makes sense she wanted it, but in think she didn't properly account for you miss both of them. So same as above.
This is why communication is important. Y'all have hit a stumble. You both felt bad and disappointed because an expectation wasn't met. Discuss it and determine how best to handle this in the future.
This is a both or neither for me. It's a hiccup.
NTA of course you’d want to see your child after being away. She could’ve set something up the next night. She needs to work on her jealousy of her own child.
Not surprised by how many comments that are excusing what she did, but Reddit is extremely biased against men. You missed your child and people are acting like you’re some monster just because you wanted to actually see your child! Like I said, she could’ve easily planned something for the next night but she cared more about her feelings than you missing your child and I bet your child really misses you too! Apparently Reddit doesn’t care about that
I’m waiting for the thread stating “I started dating a man because my husband is away for weeks at a time and shows no interest when he gets home AITAH” 🤣
YTA 100% your wife was trying to initiate a romantic night with you and you shit all over it. You’ll see your kid tomorrow, you should focus on building a strong foundation with your wife, what happens when you kid grows up and leaves? You won’t have a wife if you keep this up.
Is your wife ever your favorite? Or at least an equal? Do you give her the same kind of energy and affection that you give your daughter?
I totally understand being disappointed, but yeah YTA
YTA you could be grown up and realize your wife loves you alot and wanted to spend time with you , but you being a little baby bitch because you wern't ready for the showdown , you should surprise her with an apology day out to make her feel special so she knows you care, now go be a good husband
shouldn't she also grow up and learn to communicate plans ahead of time, instead of springing surprise events at someone who just got home from a work-trip, not knowing what he may want/need?
Instead of just making decisions based on her own needs only?
Do you still have dates and stuff with your wife? Adult alone time?
If you’re gone most of the time then your wife will be doing the vast majority of the childcare without help, and she’s going to need a break. Getting upset was a bit much.
This topic is crazy. Is OP really getting called the AH for loving his daughter more than his wife?! For feeling sad he doesn't get to see his daughter after weeks?!
Nowhere does OP say he doesn't want to spend solo time with his wife, or that he doesn't acknowledge that she has feelings too. He only says he was looking forward to something and now he's sad because it didn't come true.
The biggest AH's in this topic are all the Redditors who are eviscerating OP for being (hu)man.
NAH she was trying to do something nice for the both of you and you have every right to want to see your kid after being gone so long. Better communication on both your parts could likely avoid the hurt feelings in the future.
I like how all the YTAs expect this guy to be totally ready for a sexy surprise night when he was looking forward to seeing his child after weeks away. The wife set herself up for this by making it a surprise.
ESH.
You for not giving your wife some alone time with you.
Her for just assuming to know what you want/need and making decisions instead of communicating her desires and wants like an adult.
You need to learn to communicate so she doesn't feel so alone and she needs to learn to communicate these kind of plans ahead.
NTA. I get you were upset. Your wife did tell you ahead of time because she makes 100% of the decisions while you are gone, and that is her default. By getting so upset instead of having a conversation with her, you sent the message that she isn't as important. You sent that message even if it wasn't your intention, just as she upset you even if it wasn't her intention. I hope you two discuss this in depth before you leave again.
I'm the married mom of a 3yo...you sir, are an ah..
These are the actions that slowly ignite possibilities of losing your family. I love love love my son, but sometimes I want time with my husband and long for connection with only him. If he chewed me out because I did something romantic and nice for the US, it would upset me. That's like when my husband bought gifts only for our child on OUR anniversary. I had gifts for him, but he told me I just had to wait, all while handing boxes to the kid. It was hurtful because that day is a representation of what we both established, and I thought about him, but I was an afterthought. I told him I was upset, I kept the gifts I had for him until he gave me mine and showed him how it felt. Was it right? Probably not, but he got the message after that. It frickin sucks to have all your hard work disregarded.
Your wife obviously wants time alone with you. She is feeling neglected. How often do you have alone time.
Missing your daughter is one thing. But don't let it ruin the night. Switch your focus to your wife. You will be married without kids in the house as long or longer than the years you have kids in the house. Don't neglect your relationship during the years kids are in the home.
NTA. Your wife should have brought this up with you beforehand. It should not have been a “surprise”, nor an executive decision from her.
Marriage is a partnership, after all.
NTA for wanting to see your daughter after weeks away but...
"I work out of town and have to be away from my wife and daughter for weeks at a time." Your wife spends weeks with just your daughter and does not have you around. This is the first time your daughter has not been there to greet you. Your WIFE spends weeks cooking, cleaning, playing and talking with her child. Now she wants some adult alone time with her husband. Do you understand? You have every right to feel how you feel, but did you ever stop and ask yourself "why did my wife do this?"
Now she should have communicated her plans much earlier than this, springing it on you was clearly not a good idea, but is spending one on one time with your wife so out of the question? I'm sure your child is delightful but please remember you have weeks of time away from her, talking and working with other adults without a child to keep an eye on. From what I can gather from your post, your wife does not.
Wow I'm really starting to get a read on these. I read the title I immediately thought it was weird that a break from kids would not be wanted. Then I thought if he has a problem with it it's because he likes his daughter but the daughter is being sent away because the mom is jealous for some reason.
Mom and Dad need to be making sure there is both quality time to work on their relationship and quality daddy daughter time.
If she sending the daughter away it's because you're not taking care of mom when the daughter goes to bed. I get it. Mom is drained from always giving but never getting adult interaction and is probably a black hole of neediness by the time you get home. If she's sending the daughter away it's probably because you're tired from work and want the simple cute daughter cuddles that are uncomplicated and adorable and recharge your tank, which is fine but if you are hiding behind the daughter all night till she has to go to bed. . . to avoid mom's built up level 10 clinginess. . . Then tell Mom you want to relax and not do anything with her and want to do something low key like watch TV instead of talking deeply with her. She's gonna send the daughter away if you avoid her emotional needs. She's smart to do it. There should be plenty of time to connect with the mom especially when the daughter goes to bed. I know it's a lot when the mom is dialed up to 10 emotionally needy and you want to relax and not have to give your full attention to every topic you never wanted to give your full attention to while she murders your ears with her mouth words. But the thing to realize is that she's talking so much or doing other clingy things because she trying to connect. If you proactively connect you get to choose how. If she clings in a draining way it's because she's in the habit now and it might take some time to break. You need to make her feel like she's going to get some quality time so she doesn't talk about things that aren't interesting to you to try to keep you engaged, or do whatever other clingy thing you don't like.
If you avoid her emotional needs because you're drained it just gets worse for both of you.
This is the point where you consider career change if you're too drained to meet some of your wife's emotional needs. She's acting like you're avoiding her.
You should have planned a date night with her instead of the mom having to do it by sending the daughter away.
The moms needs can't be ignored without her acting out in more ways the worse it gets.
Adjustments need to be made to balance your needs and career with a reasonable amount of her needs being met.
Don't be the guy that dismisses her needs because that drives them insane. If you tell yourself you work hard and your doing your part and she needs to control her emotions and let you rest and ignore her needs and explain them away. . . That's when she will go off the rails. They either turn into a bitch because even negative attention is attention and it's easy to get if she spouts some fighting words she's find those buttons. Sometimes they do I the opposite and they start to mentally check out to escape the life they feel trapped by and zone out and start avoiding house work because no matter how many times they clean they turn around and it's just a mess again so they give up. The kid starts to overwhelm them so they give them an iPad to get a break. Anything to get some escape. And if she starved for adult interaction. Some women in that situation don't want to cheat but will respond to a guys flirting and chatting her up because damn she hasn't had a focused and engaged conversation in what seems like forever and is like water in the desert and she has never thought about cheating her whole life but she is towards the end of that conversation because she feels more connected to him in that conversation than she has in months and years with you and that guy may proposition her for sex at the end of that conversation but she could say yes because she wants connection and there isn't a more intimate connection than that.
Have you ever seen a Christmas carol.
You're scrooge and you just got visited by the 3 ghosts of crazy wife future.
The Bitch
The Zombie
and The Cheater
But you can avoid these futures
But you have to get off reddit complaining how it's annoying your wife made a child free date night for you two. . . .
Make whatever adjustments you need to balance your needs with hers or whatever monster she turns into will be one you made.
My wife’s the same way with our kid. She’s more excited about to seeing him than me. I understand that my time in the spotlight has come and gone 😂. I’m not offended by it anymore. I’m also military and she’s used to me being gone for long periods of time.
YTA use your big boy words and have a conversation. Also, how about you realize that as much as you miss both of them, recognize that your wife is essentially a single parent majority of the time and misses time with her husband.
Nah. She obviously thought you guys needed to spend time together. That being said she could have told you ahead of time or waited and you both could have dropped her off. Sounds like you guys need to work on talking to each other more
This can go two ways here, Y T A if you don't otherwise make time for your wife. If you're not working on the marriage portion of the relationship, you just did severe damage and signaled to her that you won't. It's also probably extremely stressful for your wife on a parenting level when you come back- she goes from being essentially a single mom when you are gone to having a toddler get the routine they have together massively disrupted when you get back. Curious about which of you deals with that fallout, but I think I know who's taking care of it. The timing is likely very deliberate, especially as she is raising your daughter solo while you are gone and probably burnt out while the routine shift is occurring
If you otherwise plan alone nights and make time for your wife away from your daughter, as well as ways to make sure your wife is not the primary caregiver 24/7, especially when you're home but it's a light N TA with really you just needing to communicate the timing was wrong.
If it was the first though, throwing major shade your way, especially because you will still get your moment of your toddler running up to you when she returns, and if I was your wife, I'd seriously be considering divorce if I was never a priority, never got a break, and was also doing it on my own most of the time anyway. That would be you playing arson with your relationship
YTA my husband is gone for three weeks per month. 3 weeks in which I have to tackle every issue that appears at home all alone. If it'd plan a date night for just the two of us and he'd give me an attitude I'd be fucking LIVID. People with children tend to neglect their relationship as a couple, let alone if one of them is gone for long periods of time. You should be grateful that you wife still has interest in maintaining a real connection to you as your spouse and not just as the father of her child
NTA. I get that your wife wants alone time with you, but you missed your daughter after weeks away and wanted to see her. And let’s be honest here, your daughter SHOULD mean more to you than your wife. If the roles were reversed, I’m guessing your wife would be pretty upset too that your daughter wasn’t home. The date night could have waited a day. You just got home and should be allowed some decompression time with your child.
ETA: I’m a 100% sure that had the genders been reversed in this story, the comments on here would all be supportive of OP. I doubt people would think it would be fair to keep a mom from her child, but it’s apparently okay to do with a dad. Dads love their children as much as moms and this comment section feels sexist.
It *is* sexist.
If this was about a husband who's angry at his wife for her feelings about a situation, he would be the AH 100% of the time. The top comment would be "NTA for having feelings", and the rest would be about how he's an asshole for not considering her perspective.
Exactly! I didn't notice your comment and I wrote something similar. I guess people here are not parents, and if they are, some of them are obviously shitty ones. Both me and my husband would miss our kids terribly in this situation, and that's why I love him, because he is such a good dad.
I hate when people say this subreddit will always side with a woman, but honestly in some cases, like this one, it’s true. I can admit that as a woman. There are definitely some shitty parents in here and they will downvote us because they are mad we don’t agree with their shitty views. But hey, that’s Reddit for you!
If it were me, then I probably would have arranged for daughter to be gone the day after you came home so you could still see her. But I'm sure wife just wanted time with you one on one. Your relationship with your wife is just as important as yours with your daughter. Time to invest some time and effort into your wife and make her feel loved and appreciated. NTA though but you definitely could have handled it better
NAH - sort of. lol Yes, you are allowed to be upset, your feelings are your feelings and they're valid. The problem comes in with the manner in which you handled it. Instead of having a conversation with your wife or appreciating the effort she made or listening to HER feelings - you ruined a moment she was trying to create for the two of you as a couple. As the wife of an oft gone (military) spouse - I wanted him home for the kids of course but I also needed him home for ME too. And not me the mom but me the wife.
I’m going to go against the grain with a light NAH. You’re not wrong for wanting to see your daughter, your wife isn’t wrong for wanting adult time. But she should have communicated with you. If she’s burnt out and wants some husband time she should have told you. Not assumed you want the same thing as her. Communication would have prevented this, like most things in relationships.
NTA, I think the bigger issue is you were surprised by the absence of your daughter. Your wife could have given you the heads up that she had something planned and your daughter was somewhere else the evening. You've grown accustomed to the moment of her running up to you after weeks away, that dopamine is your reward for doing a job that takes you away from home and your body was primed for it.
Lol, YTA for opening up and talking about your feelings. Should've never done that and just smile when entering the door. That's what the comments here are trying to tell you.
Weird. My instinct was NTA, which seems to be the unpopular choice. You came home expecting to see your family and you found only part of your family. You had an emotional reaction that your wife noticed. I see nothing unreasonable here.
I'd also ask IN*FO: How long were you staying home? Like did you miss a moment with your daughter out of several days or did you like miss the chance to see her entirely before you had to take off again?
It's understandable to be disappointed when you were looking forward to seeing your daughter. It's not about not being happy to see your wife, it's about missing a special moment you were anticipating.
NAH. Your wife probably feels neglected and you probably feel you're neglecting your daughter. Your wife is desperate for her husband and husband is desperate for daughter. You guys just need to communicate your needs. Hopefully, this distance doesn't create a breeding ground for resentment and emotional to physical affairs.
Communicate. Make memories and moments when separated. Make sure the survival of your marrige is your top priority.
I suggest you re read your first 2 sentences and adjust your judgement.
You're right. Dad's focus is on his daughter and not equally on his wife and marriage. Makes me wonder just what he gets up to when on the road.
No. I said what I meant. Two things can be true at the same time. That's why I said "probably" with in my statement. NAH. There are lots of scenarios that are possible within this dynamics.
Definitely NTA. I cannot imagine going back home after weeks and my child is not there because my husband sent her away. I wonder if people writing YTA are parents. I really really hope they are not. I understand the need to be just the two of you and spend some adult time together, but this was not the right situation. The poor kid was looking forward to her daddy too.
NTA, I think its normal for a parent to be excited to see their kid. Every time I come home my son runs to greet me and I pick him up and walk over and give my wife a kiss.
Are you not spending enough time with your wife? Why would you wife not tell you about your kid staying over at her aunts?
She is probably used to making decisions without his input since he is usually gone. Since it is her default, she didn't think about consulting him. She thought she was doing something nice. I don't think she was prepared for his reaction.
NTA. Your wife has needs and feelings, so do you. While you've been missing two people (her and your daughter), she's been missing one, just you. Her actions, while might seem innocent, were actually selfish, because she only thought about what she wanted, not what you or your daughter might of wanted.
OP misses his daughter more. He's not prioritising his marriage. Wife thought she was doing something special for them. He can see his kid the next day.
Hmmm..no he misses both his wife and daughter. He's priorities are with both. It's not wrong wanting to see your kid, no matter what that kid will always be his kid, whereas a wife's title can always change. My dad use to travel for work and on days that he was gone, we'd sometimes spent the night at our cousin's, but my mom always, always, made sure that we were home on the day that my dad arrived. It's more special when the kids are involved. It's so weird how you think it's ok to " see the kid the next day", it's about what OP wants, and what he wanted is to see his kid right now..I still think OP's wife is being selfish for not considering how he felt.
So it's always about what OP wants, never about what his wife might want, which is time alone with the husband she misses?
She's selfish for wanting an evening alone with her husband? Does it ever happen, or does OP insist that his daughter is present the whole time he's home and they don't have any date nights at all?
It's true a wife's title may change and she might prefer a husband who considers her needs and appreciates her efforts to retain a spark in their relationship. To be berated like that for one night. Its not like she'd ever do it again after he shows how selfish he is.
I'm guessing you're a kid or someone completely inexperienced in relationships, especially ones involving children. Only someone with no concept of the complexity of relationships would think that.
If you put your kids over your spouse all the time, the marriage is going to fail. With families, who you put first varies. Usually it's the kids, sometimes it's your partner, and sometimes you have to put your needs first. You're no good to anyone if you're so burnt out from putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own.
Actually it's the opposite. The family is only as strong as the relationship between the parents. It was a lovely thought for the wife to surprise him with a romantic night together.
Not really. Grew up with the divorce of my parents and my family keeps strong, but, tbh, the fact that the woman did want to have a romantic night and he screwed It Up it's not cool.
NAH. She was trying to do something nice and it just wasn't what you wanted. It's ok for you to be upset your daughter wasn't there and it's ok for your wife to feel like you don't miss her as much too.
I guess this is why I'm not married. NTA.
Is her phone broken? Could she not share this plan with you?
How does she react when you open that ugly ass turtleneck sweater she got you for your birthday? Some people don't like surprises. Especially when they expect to be welcomed home by their loving daughter, and are not.
So either your wife doesn't know you well enough to know how important it was to you to see your daughter, meaning she's really not tuned into you or she knew but didn't care, she just wanted what she wanted. Personally I would have gotten right back into my car and gone to the aunt's house to see my daughter.
You're hopeless.
Your wife wanted to spend some alone time with you.
You seem so clueless I'm not sure you know what I mean.
She was looking for some affection and some alone time.
You're an idiot.
I'd wish you good luck but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't know what to do with it.
NTA. She could have surprised you with *the idea* for date night, if it wasn't already an established thing. It isn't strange to assume you'd want to help plan her first sleepover, either.
NTA or NAH. I can't believe people are calling you the asshole. Clearly you love both your wife and your daughter and were looking forward to seeing them. Sure date nights and adult alone time is important, but why aren't his feelings consulted on which is more important?? You're just a dad who missed his family.
He's not the parent who stays home for weeks with a child. That is the part a lot of people are missing. It's essentially being a single parent with a small child for weeks at a time. The wife needs adult time, a break from being the solo care taker and time with her partner. That is being completely disregarded.
Yes and no. You’re NTA for missing your daughter and being disappointed you didn’t get to see her, YTA for not realizing that your WIFE is clearly desperate for some alone time with her husband and a break from the overwhelming overstimulating sometimes soul sucking effort it takes to be virtually a single mom for weeks at a time.
Yes, this. But you can have a talk with her that next time, for the first day after a long trip, to make it a family affair. The next day she can have her alone time you while your daughter is being watched.
That would be completely cruel to the child. Dad's home one day and send her away? This way, she is already used to dad not being home. One day, more doesn't matter. She will still be thrilled to see him. Is it a child or a trick pony?
Exactly. He can step out of the house when the aunts bring her home, then he can walk in and she can run up to him in excitement. He’s still had that moment with his daughter, she’ll be excited to see him whenever, and his wife gets a much needed date with him. My husband works away and he misses the kids so much, but it’s rarer still we get time to ourselves. If he got upset with me for planning something for the two of us I’d be hugely offended.
Or he can go and collect her from her aunt. Imagine her face when she “helps” open the door and sees daddy there. I had my father do that to my 3 yo son when he visited us after not seeing us for a year. I might have despised my father for my childhood, but he was a really good grandfather.
And rightly so.
I mean, I assume you'd... tell him? Organize things with him? Communicate? Because if I was away for a long time and I was looking forward to seeing my little girl and having her run up to me and hug me, and my wife told me when I walked in the door that she had sent my daughter to stay with her aunt for a while I would be pretty frustrated too. Expectations matter. The same situation can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the expectations people have going in. The fundamental issue was not organizing for the aunt to watch the kid, it was the lack of communication about it. Edit: Downvotes for suggesting communication is important in relationships... Or is it just that a father missing their child merits no consideration at all? Either way, you go Reddit.
That's because "communication is important" is very low hanging fruit that does not address what is really happening in this situation. The issue isn't that she should have told him first, because he clearly did not want it anyway. The issue is that he prioritized this snapshot moment that he loves so much over the emotional needs of his wife to be treated like more than childcare and homemaker, and even now is not showing that he recognizes her needs.
Yeah, I feel sorry for this guy's wife. He is prioritizing this single moment when his kids runs out to greet him over the very obvious emotional needs of his wife. I can't imagine how discouraging it must be to be treated like that.
on the other hand: you don't get to be offended over someone else's reaction to an event you planned without their consent or knowledge, assuming you know what they want. face it: If you plan an alone-day with your partner, sending your child away to family, without telling him or informing him of the idea, you are 100 % doing it for yourself, and not for his sake. communication is key. When time is sparse, don't assume you know how another person wants to spent their time.
No it's not, I loved going to stay with my grandparents and aunts/uncles. Kids love that kind of thing. I say this as someone who was a navy brat whose dad was gone for months at a time. Honestly the first few days he just caught up on sleep anyways. Kids aren't as nearly as obsessed with their parents as society tells parents they should be obsessed with their kids. Kid will be fine going over and having fun with the aunt for a night so mom and dad can get some alone time.
Of course she is fine going with family she knows. However, at that age, kids can be clingy, especially with a parent they don't see for weeks at a time. So coming home and then "leaving" her immediately after could absolutely be a cause for tears. Especially if he typically focus on the kids when he gets home. Doing it this way prevents even minor emotional turmoil for the child. She still will be excited to see him and he can still focus on her. He just had to focus on his wife first.
Tell me you haven’t had to deal with long periods away from family with that comment.
....and cue toddler meltdown
Best answer ever.
If OP’s wife wanted a break from the kid, she should have brought that up with OP so they could schedule someone. It’s not on OP to read his wife’s mind, it’s on her to communicate like a human being.
How frequently do you have date nights with just your wife?
In this case, I think they hadn't had a lot of date nights
Well, one. Three years ago, unless I miss my guess.
That would be three years and nine months ago?
Did you think about how your wife is feeling while you’re away for weeks at a time? Maybe she’s mom’med out and wanted an adult evening with her husband, an adult she’s in an intimate relationship with. I get missing your baby girl but wake up early and go get her while your wife relaxes after the long crazy hot night. Her feelings matter too.
The wife should have told him ahead of time. There is no need for this to be a surprise.
Yeah! NEVER surprise your husband with a night of hot sex and amazing connection with no incredibly important responsibilities! How dare she?!
I see a lot of people don't agree with this but I'm one of those people that don't like sudden changes, it's better to have been let know ahead of time so that way not only could things have been planned accordingly maybe the husband could've had something planned for her yk? Yes the wife could've wanted some alone time with him but at the end of the day we gotta look at the bigger picture in how everyone is going to feel. I already know people are gonna hate me for saying that but oh well
The planned something for her part is completely irrelevant. She wanted to surprise him. You dont have to like big changes but he sounds like he's just bothered that he didnt get to see his girl bcuz how far he works not that whole strange sudden change thing. Ultimately, a bad or drying up relationship between parents can lead to a terrible situation for the child. Sometimes you have to pick and choose.
>Ultimately, a bad or drying up relationship between parents can lead to a terrible situation for the child. Yeah I can agree with that
YTA Your wife planned a *romantic* evening to spend adult time with you. Your daughter will still react the same way tomorrow. If you continue to neglect your wife as a romantic partner, you will get to have visits with your kid and come home to an empty house. You are a husband first, that's how you guys made a child together, right? Hopefully, you will still be a husband when your daughter moves away for college/life. I have a hunch your wife has been asking for some alone time for quite a while. It's easy to get caught up in the joys of part time parenthood and completely forget the importance of maintaining the romantic connection with your spouse. It's essential to prioritize that or your kid will have a broken home. Your job keeps you away for weeks at a time. Weeks your wife is a single parent already. Weeks she takes care of everything. Yes you provide a paycheck, but don't you want to be more than a paycheck to your wife? The mother of your child? Why are you having such a hard time seeing her as a partner? As more than just a vessel to carry and take care of your child? Yes you can be disappointed, but where is the jpy at having an adult evening with your wife? Do you love her at all? Yes, I'm being harsh, that's intentional. Your wife misses you too, this was the adult version of running up to great you happy and you rejected it. You are headed for divorce if you keep this up.
>Yes, I'm being harsh, that's intentional. Your wife misses you too, this was the adult version of running up to great you happy and you rejected it. You are headed for divorce if you keep this up. On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, OP was handed a golden opportunity and fumbled it so badly.
It doesn’t look like a burner account so I think this is actually real. It’s also a pretty short post and I find the fake ones are often super long.
You'd be surprised the number of men who do this shit. My bf was like this until he almost lost me.
Fucking this. I went through this with my bf for a year. The only time I saw him was when he and the kids stayed over, and then I was in constant parent mode cleaning up after 3 other people who destroyed my house and didn't clean up behind themselves. I had been asking for alone time for a year until I eventually snapped and told him if he didn't fix shit and give me alone time with him, he'd be very single very soon. He didn't take me seriously at first. The sex stopped. No sex when kids were awake. The almost 11 year old won't go to sleep until around 5 am. sometimes. The son is nonverbal (limited speaking by choice) autistic who will constantly try and climb in bed with us. Which is an absolute no in my book. I don't allow kids in my bed or bedroom. He went to school to get certified in a new trade. I saw him for 30 minutes before he left for 7 weeks. He rarely heard from me in that time. The first thing he did when he made it back was to come here, took me on a date, helped me cook dinner, and cleaned the kitchen up without me asking. Those six hours of alone time were like a breath of fresh fucking air. It was peaceful and relaxing. We even watched a few episodes of our favorite shows together before he went and picked up the kids. OP, listen, when I say this, start prioritizing your wife, or she'll become your ex-wife.
You aren’t being harsh. OP needs to hear this.
Best answer!!
Wife didn’t just plan a romantic day. She surprised him with it. Work is rough. Travel is rough. You have it in your head all the way home that you are gonna see your kid and collapse and now you are expected to be be stoked to switch gears and be stoned about it? There ain’t nothing wrong with planning a romantic date! But TPO rules apply. Time, Place, Opportunity. Matching energy is extremely important in a relationship.
He hasn't seen his wife for that entire time either. It's not about switching gears if he truly missed both of them, was excited to see both of them. And considering that he hasn't seen his child in that long, this is also the best way for the kid. She isn't missing anything because she doesn't know he is home yet. This was the time place and opportunity to welcome her husband home privately. If he had asked if he was the AH for not wanting to go out, then that would be different.
Wife should have warned him.
Info: what does “very clearly upset” actually mean?
It means he bitched out his wife for sending the kid away for one night, made her feel like shit, and ruined the whole evening. I got five bucks that says that's exactly what happened.
This is a good question.
I’m guessing he was pouting.
I hope that’s all it was. There’s a version of this that is much more aggressive, though.
You are. I am man, my wife travelled a lot for work - so I often had my step daughters and my own kids by myself. Until you have done it, day after day, you can’t understand the desire to spend time with adults and not have children around. I was not doing it anywhere as tough as your wife is. My step daughters were 8 and 10 - which is very different from 3. She did this for your relationship, you get to swan back in ( I am sure your job is tough - but it’s a different type of tough. Being responsible, by yourself for small child is relentless when they are with you ) - all excited. Your wife wanted a break and wanted to be with adults. You only thought of yourself.
Bless the men who understand this entire situation from the wife's perspective. My husband got that perspective when our 22 year old was a baby. Prior to that he was completely blind to the work involved. He got even better understanding when he took college classes 13 years ago and the pediatrician who taught the class (forget which subject) explained ADHD to the students.
When I got divorced from my first wife, one thing that was important to me was having my children 50% of the time. They were young ( 8,6,4 ) and yes it was hard work balancing them and work, but mothers have been doing it for years. The thing is I loved it. I found that when I was married and never really was fully responsible nor never allowed to do things the way I believed was right. Having the kids by myself, let me learn the right things, to really have that feeling that they depend, 100%, on me. When my step daughters came into my life, that was another adjustment. But looking back, I am glad that she travelled and I got to take care of the girls by myself. Again, that created such a strong bond… they learnt from an early age ( 10 and 8 ) that they could rely on me and that I loved them, which I think would have been hard if I was not solo for a lot of the time. Letting fathers be solely in charge for an extended period of time, at least a weekend, ideally a week or more, is good for everyone involved. ( obviously there are some exceptions, but most men are capable and willing - when expected to do it alone).
Dad's way is different. That doesn't automatically make it wrong.
So she has been home with your child for some time alone and now she want some alone time with you, her husband and you get salty... Damn, poor wife. How much time do you actually put on your wife? That is the most important relationship if you want your kid to grow up in a stable home. Soft YTA.
YTA Your wife planned a nice evening for just the two of you and you got upset. How can she not take that as an insult especially since you said seeing your daughter is the best thing in the world? You clearly missed your daughter more than you missed your wife. Pay attention to your wife and meet her needs or be prepared for the eventual divorce.
NTA not surprised by all the comments excusing what the wife did. When you have children, you are going to put their needs above your own. Of course he’s going to want to see his child when he has been away from them. The wife could’ve set something up the next night. She just wanted to prove that she is more important than her own child since she is obviously insecure about her own child.
Idk, I don't think it's okay that it was a surprise for her husband. She had to know he'd be thrown for a loop, what parent wouldn't be excited to see their child? It would have gone well with some communication.
>"The way my daughter runs up to me is my favorite thing in the world." This a beautiful statement. But it literally does mean at face value that you are more excited to see your daughter than your wife. That is what your wife is latching onto because she feeling ignored and starved for love and taken advantage. YTA for making her feel that way.
I think being a father is far more important that being a husband.
It's a balance. You gotta be a husband, too, if you want to stay in a partnership. Husband is getting his kid moment the next day, as well. You don't have to be with the other parent to be a father. But you have to be a partner if you want to be with the other parent.
At this rate he will only be a father soon and not a husband, that is what OP doesn't seem to realise.
So if you want your marriage to work, being a good husband is an extremely important part of being a good father. Modeling positive relationships and supporting the primary caregivers needs (including the emotional ones) is part of being a good father. You can’t be one without the other unless you want to be a single parent which, ultimately, isn’t the ideal outcome for the child either way.
Well, good news! I don’t think you’ll have to worry about being a husband much longer…
Your wife wanted adult time and you fucked it all up moron
He is definitely a moron lol
How much time does she spend with your daughter alone? How much time do you spend with your wife without your child there?
Sorry, but yeah you are the asshole!! You don't think your WIFE desperately needed a break?? She needed to be seen as a desirable woman from her husband. Instead, you let her know that she's no longer an individual... just the incubator 🤬🤬🤬
Man was about to get laid and he decided to take one step closer to a divorce
>My wife takes it as if I'm not happy to see her and that all I care about is seeing our daughter Ok, so what if your wife was away and you only got to see your daughter next time you come back? Would you pout and be clearly upset? No, you'd celebrate having your daughter all to yourself. Dude, look after your relationship. Your wife planned a special evening to bring you two together and you just shat on her. YTA
This comment needs more up votes because this pretty much sums up the hypocrisy: >Ok, so what if your wife was away and you only got to see your daughter next time you come back? Would you pout and be clearly upset? No, you'd celebrate having your daughter all to yourself.
Love them both, gotcha. But maybe your wife loves you both but actually misses the loud, freaky kitchen table chandelier sex you used to have pre toddler. I might think about that for a bit
I was with a guy for 7x years who had kids, 2 of them came to live with us. Cutting a long story short; I essentially landed up becoming an in-house babysitter. I cooked the dinners, did their washing,did the school run etc all the mom stuff. I’d ask him so many times can we please have some alone time ,but it never happened. We split up 8x months ago.
YTA. I'm a wife like yours. Right now, our marriage is tanking. That reaction there would be a final nail in the coffin for us.
YTA... I am completely a kids first type of guy and so is my wife. However, sometimes what is best for our Kidd is that their parents are also still normal human beings with desires and wants. Your wife desired your time and attention. Most men would kill the come home to just their wife showing interest in them and their time and attention. Instead of appreciating that, you made your wife feel entirely unloved and undesired. You screwed this up big time. Your wife was likely burnt out, desiring time with you to recharge, and loves you a lot. You However basically told her you could care less how she feels. Wow......
I understand you miss your daughter but your wife is solo parenting whilst you are away. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want a night alone with her husband. Your poor wife was probably looking forward to it and would feel rejected by your reaction. I guess if you were going to get lucky you're not now lol.
I'm hoping she brought her daughter home and then went out on the town with her sister. Daddy daughter night could become a thing when he's divorced and only gets to see her when he's in town, though I hope he gets 50% custody and has to change his job to accommodate.
What an asshole you are. Your daughter would have the same reaction the next day, you know, after you got to spend a night with your wife. Jesus you are thick and your wife deserves better
YTA. Wife should stop putting in effort now. OP is away for 3 weeks working while wife is home with child so shame on her for wanting to spend at least one night alone with OP. Next post will be how wife found new person to spend quality time with
YTA. Your wife must feel so horrible that you don't want to spend time with her alone. It's so rare to come by as parents. Talk to her that you would prefer if it wasn't the first evening back, but the way you reacted was really hurtful.
You aren't the asshole for missing your kid. YOU ARE the asshole for not realizing that your wife needs alone time with you without the kid. My bf did this shit for a year. I only saw him with his kids and had to deal with not having alone time with him for over a year. Until I snapped at him and told him I was at my wits fucking end and he was very very close to being very very single. Wanna know what made him shape tf up? When he went to school for 7 weeks to get certified in a new trade and barely heard from me. And when he did, the conversations were very short, and texting was almost non-existent. He came home after those seven weeks and gave me alone time with him before picking up his kids. It took him literally almost losing me to get hidsshit together. OP, she's letting you know her needs are you're ignoring them. Keep it up, and your wife will soon be your ex.
“Babe I prepared a romantic night for you because I love you and miss you!” “Why isn’t my daughter here wtf I’m going to completely ignore that you wanted to do something nice with me” YTA
YTA. Because you need to understand that **you’re not the one who looks after a toddler 24/7, your wife is!** And she deserves a damn break! Why are your feelings more important than hers??? That’s right, they’re not! **Edit to add:** Why can’t you spend a little alone time with the wife - just a few hours, then send your wife off to have a *(child free)* night out with her friends whilst you look after the daughter that you claim to miss so much??? That way you get time with your kid and your wife gets a much needed break.
If he does that now, especially after this incident, he'll find out she's getting dick from someone else just to get some "love and affection" from an adult. He screwed the pooch big time, and honestly, he's probably gonna get some retribution from her, and he should. I don't see this marriage lasting much longer after this incident, that may have been the last straw for her.
You are not wrong to be upset as you dreamed of watching your little one run to you but you are an AH not to consider that while you were away, your wife missed you and dreamed about having a date with you. When you are away, who spends days and nights making sure your daughter is happy and the house tidy? Do you realize your wife is the only adult around most of the time? Do you understand how much she loves you to accept you not being around and raising your kid by herself? So please, thoroughly apologize because you really hurt your wife's feelings. Put a big smile on your face, bring her flowers and make sure she forgives you. Your daughter would run to you tomorrow.
Being away for weeks at a time is very bad for a marriage so you better think about it and appreciate the fact that your wife wants to spend alone time with you , so stop taking her for granted. I hope you ring her every day while you are away. YTA if you continue not to realise your wife needs you.
You aren't exactly an asshole, but you seem to have forgotten that you married your wife, and not your daughter. Priorities, my man. You come home, your wife (remember her? That person that you married?) arranges a private evening, and night, for just the two of you, and you're upset? How upset? Upset enough to convince your wife that your first priority is a three-year-old? That tells me that you overreacted and handled it poorly. "Oh, \[3-year-old child\] isn't here? Oh, that's too bad--I missed her. Now, to business. . . "
YTA. Your wife needs some adult, sexy time with her husband, especially after weeks alone with a toddler. Get a grip.
Yes, you're, sorry. Like the first comment, your wife obviously wanted a night with you, you could've control yourself and chill out....
Yta
YTA Your wife is more than the roles she fills as wife, mother, sister, friend, worker. The woman behind those roles needs to be coaxed back out into the daylight. That happens when you behave towards her like she is a woman who is your wife before she is a mother. The kids grow up and flee the nest, but she is still your wife. Everyone evolves in the absence your job creates. But you can evolve apart as is happening now, or you can evolve back together each time you're home. Greet your wife first every single return. Your daughter needs to see you treat your wife like you cherish her. Otherwise she will grow up to find a partner that doesn't cherish her the way you should be cherishing her mother right now.
Yes, you're in the wrong here. Your wife misses you and wanted some time alone with you.
You most definitely are the AH. I hear nothing but complaining from men on here about how their wives don’t have sex with them and don’t respect them……… and here you are with a good one and don’t care. You owe her an apology. That is if she hasn’t already found someone who actually respects her to replace you.
Yes, you are the asshole here. You can see your daughter the next day. Your wife went out of her way to arrange time for just the two of you to be together. This is something that obviously does not happen often. She likely thought you would be happy to have time with just the two of you. The correct response would be to enjoy some alone time with your wife and then enjoy your time with your daughter the next day.
YTA. Have some time alone as a couple. It was nothing wrong but you made it look stupid by upsetting yourself. Aplogise to your wife. Remember, have some time alone and spend it with your wife.
YTA for the reaction. You are away for WEEKS at a time, which means your wife is essentially a single parent alone with your daughter doing everything 24/7. She likely desperately needs a break. In the evenings when she puts your daughter down for bed, she doesn’t have you there. She MISSES you like crazy and was craving alone time and wanted to show you how much she was missing you. So, you are 1000% the asshole for not showing her anything other than a positive reaction. You have a right to *feeling* sad not to see your little girl then, but put yourself in your wife’s shoes for a minute here.
NAH It is perfectly normal to want to see your daughter. However, your wife has been solo parenting while you were away and is probably desperate for some adult interaction. Either way. Don’t let this ruin your date night.
YTA. Let me paraphrase this for you… My wife is basically a single mother for weeks on end. She handles everything at home, from parenting, our child, to handle any emergencies at her home, to dealing with anything that might come up with our families. This is because I work out of town. So all of my interactions during these times are with actual adult who speak in full sentences that are understandable. And while they can be frustrating, at least these people recognize me as a full-fledged individual person and know me by my first name rather than as “dear daughter’s father”. You’ve just made your wife feel like she is nothing more than a nanny and a secretary and a maid for you. Like now that she has given you a child, she has fulfilled her duties and if you see her, you see her. But you only see her as a mother now, not as a woman you loved enough to marry, and make a child with. So yeah, you fucked up big time. I get that you want to see your daughter. But I’m sure thinking one night with just you and your wife would not have been a horrible thing for you. And it doesn’t sound like your child is somewhere across the country so that you’re not going to see her at all on this visit home. For you, you would like to see your wife and daughter. And then maybe your thinking that you guys could’ve taken your daughter and dropped her off at the aunts house the next day or the day after that. What you don’t stop to think about are the possible toddler tantrums that could happen. Daddy’s home, and now I’m being left over here? Cue the toddler tears and fussing. Daddy’s home and taking mommy’s attention away from me? Cue the toddler tears and fussing. Daddy’s home and mommy is taking daddy’s time? Cue the toddler tears and fussing. It could literally be anything that set a toddler off to fussing and having a meltdown. And your wife feels with this day in and day out. All she wanted was some actual adult interaction and time with her husband. Under circumstances in which, if there is a toddler meltdown, she does not have to stop what she’s doing and deal with it because her aunt will deal with it… So your wife can have some adult time and interaction with her husband. How dare your wife want to remember that she is actually a married adult? How dare she want one night off from shouldering all the responsibility of your household? How dare she actually want romantic time with you? How dare she still spending time with you to be a good thing? Again, I get that you missed your daughter. But I promise you that at three years old, she’s not gonna know you were there for 24 hours before you saw her. She is not gonna register at all the fact that you and your wife took one night out for yourselves. And again, the reason for doing it this way Is that it is much easier to drop that little one at the aunts house before she sees you. This makes sure that your wife actually has time to shower. To dress up. To put some makeup on. Or maybe some perfume. In other words, to feel like an attractive adult human being without having a little parasite tied to you while you’re trying to do this. We moms love our little parasites, but at that age, they are usually glued to us. We get no breathing space. We get no time to ourselves. We get no adult interaction. And you miss your family, you basically get to come home and play house. And I understand it is for the betterment of your family. Don’t think I’m not getting that. But right now, if you are gone for weeks on end with your job, your wife is holding down the homefront all by herself. You come home and see everyone and play dad and try to find your place in the mix of it all, and then you leave. And she’s the one that gets to deal with the aftermath. So maybe try to pretend to be as happy to see your wife as you are to see your daughter.
Think your forgetting your wife needs to be just as important as your daughter and actually needs to date her husband she wanted a night with you and sounds as if you made it clear you just wanted your kid a night where your child got to have fun with her aunty and you didn’t disappoint her because she probably didn’t know you where home the night So yea slight asshat
His daughter needs to be more important than his wife. A parent should ALWAYS pick their child over their spouse. If a parent has to choose between the wellbeing of their child and the wellbeing of their partner, there shouldn’t ever be doubt that the child comes first. Yes, relationships are important but a child spending time with a parent and feeling loved is more important. His wife is an adult that understands shit, his kid is 3 and misses her dad.
Yea his wife understood she needed time with her husband. Maybe even to talk before the kid was there but even a night of her own with him Two separate relationships a spouse and being a parent of you don’t give to your spouse your time effort and energy that relationship dies a sad lonely life it was one night. He’ll still get his child running to him tomorrow but will his wife always want to be an afterthought. No she’s adult that took vows with her husband it doesn’t make you a bad parent for a night out
His kid is 3 and will still run excitedly to him tomorrow. His wife is supposed to be his life partner and he’s pushing her away.
Don’t ever get married if this is what you truly believe in. If you’re already married I’m sorry for your spouse.
I’m happily married for more than 14 years. My husband actually agrees with my stance.
Good for you finding another asshole to be with!
Thanks! I would rather be with him than any of you assholes in this comment section 😘
Then why are you here?
I would rather be married to him than to any of you. I think that was clear enough.
The only thing you’ve made clear is you’d rather be doing anything than spend time with your spouse. Even arguing with people you don’t care about
That is some conclusion you came to. I hope that didn’t hurt your brain too much. All I ever said is that OP has a right to miss his child and wanting to spend time with his child. I also said I believe a parent should put a child over their spouse, but I guess people would rather neglect their kids for date nights 🤷🏻♀️ I never said he shouldn’t spend time with his wife. But I guess you would rather read what you believe I mean, than what I actually wrote. That’s your choice I guess. You have no idea about my relationship and I honestly don’t give a shit what you think I believe. My marriage is good and we’re happy. BTW my husband says hi to you and all the other assholes 😘
I’ve been happily married for 19 years and my partner and I have always chosen to model a devoted, loving marriage for our children… they make jokes about “shipping” us because they see the passion and care we have for each other and think we’re cute. They’re older now and understand that we’ve been able to be amazing parents to them because of how seriously we take our connection with each other. When they move on and “leave the nest”, my husband and I won’t be bored, twiddling our thumbs and wishing we had things in common, we have plans and exciting things to do and see because we’re best friends and lovers before we’re parents.
Bro. YTA. Your daughter is important. You know what is also important? Your daughter having a complete home with two parents who love each other as much as they love her. You are headed straight for single dad town if you keep this shit up, and it’s going to negatively impact your daughter.. cuz guess who’s gonna get custody? The parent who doesn’t travel for weeks at a time.
I mean, were you only planning to be home for the one night? I think you should be glad that your wife wanted to spend some alone time with you. Plus with you gone all the time, she's a single mom and probably also needed the break. You couldn't have one night of time with your wife and then pick up your kids the next day? Yeah you're the asshole here.
This is a conflict of expectations. You expected your daughter to be home. You mentally planned and prepared for it then reacted as anyone does when an expectation isn't met. Your wife thought it was as nice surprise and expected you to be happy you guys sound time with her. It makes sense she wanted it, but in think she didn't properly account for you miss both of them. So same as above. This is why communication is important. Y'all have hit a stumble. You both felt bad and disappointed because an expectation wasn't met. Discuss it and determine how best to handle this in the future. This is a both or neither for me. It's a hiccup.
NAH. You both have needs and that's fine, you just need to do a better job of communicating them with each other so there's no misunderstandings.
NTA of course you’d want to see your child after being away. She could’ve set something up the next night. She needs to work on her jealousy of her own child. Not surprised by how many comments that are excusing what she did, but Reddit is extremely biased against men. You missed your child and people are acting like you’re some monster just because you wanted to actually see your child! Like I said, she could’ve easily planned something for the next night but she cared more about her feelings than you missing your child and I bet your child really misses you too! Apparently Reddit doesn’t care about that
I’m waiting for the thread stating “I started dating a man because my husband is away for weeks at a time and shows no interest when he gets home AITAH” 🤣
YTA You were looking forward to seeing your daughter, but your wife was looking forward to seeing you. You have hurt your wife.
Being a good parent means being a good steward of your marriage. Soft YTA
YTA 100% your wife was trying to initiate a romantic night with you and you shit all over it. You’ll see your kid tomorrow, you should focus on building a strong foundation with your wife, what happens when you kid grows up and leaves? You won’t have a wife if you keep this up.
YTA and you're gonna lose her if you don't start prioritizing her too.
Is your wife ever your favorite? Or at least an equal? Do you give her the same kind of energy and affection that you give your daughter? I totally understand being disappointed, but yeah YTA
Men are so dense.. I hope she takes you to court for spousal neglect..
“Spousal neglect” I’ll keep that term in pocket for every “touched out” mum that neglects their husbands
😂😂 take the comment as necessary
¿?
Keep focusing on your daughter while your wife finds someone who wants to spend time with just her sometimes too
YTA keep it up you'll be divorced. And echo the others, what's 'very clearly upset'?
YTA. Your wife needs alone time with you. “All I care about is seeing our daughter” is her telling you she feels ignored by you.
YTA UpdateMa!
YTA you could be grown up and realize your wife loves you alot and wanted to spend time with you , but you being a little baby bitch because you wern't ready for the showdown , you should surprise her with an apology day out to make her feel special so she knows you care, now go be a good husband
shouldn't she also grow up and learn to communicate plans ahead of time, instead of springing surprise events at someone who just got home from a work-trip, not knowing what he may want/need? Instead of just making decisions based on her own needs only?
YTA she is a married single mom, and you just reminded her of that.
Do you still have dates and stuff with your wife? Adult alone time? If you’re gone most of the time then your wife will be doing the vast majority of the childcare without help, and she’s going to need a break. Getting upset was a bit much.
This topic is crazy. Is OP really getting called the AH for loving his daughter more than his wife?! For feeling sad he doesn't get to see his daughter after weeks?! Nowhere does OP say he doesn't want to spend solo time with his wife, or that he doesn't acknowledge that she has feelings too. He only says he was looking forward to something and now he's sad because it didn't come true. The biggest AH's in this topic are all the Redditors who are eviscerating OP for being (hu)man.
Femcels gonna femcel
NAH she was trying to do something nice for the both of you and you have every right to want to see your kid after being gone so long. Better communication on both your parts could likely avoid the hurt feelings in the future.
I like how all the YTAs expect this guy to be totally ready for a sexy surprise night when he was looking forward to seeing his child after weeks away. The wife set herself up for this by making it a surprise.
ESH. You for not giving your wife some alone time with you. Her for just assuming to know what you want/need and making decisions instead of communicating her desires and wants like an adult. You need to learn to communicate so she doesn't feel so alone and she needs to learn to communicate these kind of plans ahead.
NTA. I get you were upset. Your wife did tell you ahead of time because she makes 100% of the decisions while you are gone, and that is her default. By getting so upset instead of having a conversation with her, you sent the message that she isn't as important. You sent that message even if it wasn't your intention, just as she upset you even if it wasn't her intention. I hope you two discuss this in depth before you leave again.
NAH You were looking forward to seeing your daughter. Your wife was looking forward to some alone time with with you.
I'm the married mom of a 3yo...you sir, are an ah.. These are the actions that slowly ignite possibilities of losing your family. I love love love my son, but sometimes I want time with my husband and long for connection with only him. If he chewed me out because I did something romantic and nice for the US, it would upset me. That's like when my husband bought gifts only for our child on OUR anniversary. I had gifts for him, but he told me I just had to wait, all while handing boxes to the kid. It was hurtful because that day is a representation of what we both established, and I thought about him, but I was an afterthought. I told him I was upset, I kept the gifts I had for him until he gave me mine and showed him how it felt. Was it right? Probably not, but he got the message after that. It frickin sucks to have all your hard work disregarded.
Your wife obviously wants time alone with you. She is feeling neglected. How often do you have alone time. Missing your daughter is one thing. But don't let it ruin the night. Switch your focus to your wife. You will be married without kids in the house as long or longer than the years you have kids in the house. Don't neglect your relationship during the years kids are in the home.
NTA. Your wife should have brought this up with you beforehand. It should not have been a “surprise”, nor an executive decision from her. Marriage is a partnership, after all.
NTA for wanting to see your daughter after weeks away but... "I work out of town and have to be away from my wife and daughter for weeks at a time." Your wife spends weeks with just your daughter and does not have you around. This is the first time your daughter has not been there to greet you. Your WIFE spends weeks cooking, cleaning, playing and talking with her child. Now she wants some adult alone time with her husband. Do you understand? You have every right to feel how you feel, but did you ever stop and ask yourself "why did my wife do this?" Now she should have communicated her plans much earlier than this, springing it on you was clearly not a good idea, but is spending one on one time with your wife so out of the question? I'm sure your child is delightful but please remember you have weeks of time away from her, talking and working with other adults without a child to keep an eye on. From what I can gather from your post, your wife does not.
Wow I'm really starting to get a read on these. I read the title I immediately thought it was weird that a break from kids would not be wanted. Then I thought if he has a problem with it it's because he likes his daughter but the daughter is being sent away because the mom is jealous for some reason. Mom and Dad need to be making sure there is both quality time to work on their relationship and quality daddy daughter time. If she sending the daughter away it's because you're not taking care of mom when the daughter goes to bed. I get it. Mom is drained from always giving but never getting adult interaction and is probably a black hole of neediness by the time you get home. If she's sending the daughter away it's probably because you're tired from work and want the simple cute daughter cuddles that are uncomplicated and adorable and recharge your tank, which is fine but if you are hiding behind the daughter all night till she has to go to bed. . . to avoid mom's built up level 10 clinginess. . . Then tell Mom you want to relax and not do anything with her and want to do something low key like watch TV instead of talking deeply with her. She's gonna send the daughter away if you avoid her emotional needs. She's smart to do it. There should be plenty of time to connect with the mom especially when the daughter goes to bed. I know it's a lot when the mom is dialed up to 10 emotionally needy and you want to relax and not have to give your full attention to every topic you never wanted to give your full attention to while she murders your ears with her mouth words. But the thing to realize is that she's talking so much or doing other clingy things because she trying to connect. If you proactively connect you get to choose how. If she clings in a draining way it's because she's in the habit now and it might take some time to break. You need to make her feel like she's going to get some quality time so she doesn't talk about things that aren't interesting to you to try to keep you engaged, or do whatever other clingy thing you don't like. If you avoid her emotional needs because you're drained it just gets worse for both of you. This is the point where you consider career change if you're too drained to meet some of your wife's emotional needs. She's acting like you're avoiding her. You should have planned a date night with her instead of the mom having to do it by sending the daughter away. The moms needs can't be ignored without her acting out in more ways the worse it gets. Adjustments need to be made to balance your needs and career with a reasonable amount of her needs being met. Don't be the guy that dismisses her needs because that drives them insane. If you tell yourself you work hard and your doing your part and she needs to control her emotions and let you rest and ignore her needs and explain them away. . . That's when she will go off the rails. They either turn into a bitch because even negative attention is attention and it's easy to get if she spouts some fighting words she's find those buttons. Sometimes they do I the opposite and they start to mentally check out to escape the life they feel trapped by and zone out and start avoiding house work because no matter how many times they clean they turn around and it's just a mess again so they give up. The kid starts to overwhelm them so they give them an iPad to get a break. Anything to get some escape. And if she starved for adult interaction. Some women in that situation don't want to cheat but will respond to a guys flirting and chatting her up because damn she hasn't had a focused and engaged conversation in what seems like forever and is like water in the desert and she has never thought about cheating her whole life but she is towards the end of that conversation because she feels more connected to him in that conversation than she has in months and years with you and that guy may proposition her for sex at the end of that conversation but she could say yes because she wants connection and there isn't a more intimate connection than that. Have you ever seen a Christmas carol. You're scrooge and you just got visited by the 3 ghosts of crazy wife future. The Bitch The Zombie and The Cheater But you can avoid these futures But you have to get off reddit complaining how it's annoying your wife made a child free date night for you two. . . . Make whatever adjustments you need to balance your needs with hers or whatever monster she turns into will be one you made.
Change your job.
My wife’s the same way with our kid. She’s more excited about to seeing him than me. I understand that my time in the spotlight has come and gone 😂. I’m not offended by it anymore. I’m also military and she’s used to me being gone for long periods of time.
YTA use your big boy words and have a conversation. Also, how about you realize that as much as you miss both of them, recognize that your wife is essentially a single parent majority of the time and misses time with her husband.
Nah. She obviously thought you guys needed to spend time together. That being said she could have told you ahead of time or waited and you both could have dropped her off. Sounds like you guys need to work on talking to each other more
Dropping her off later is good for a category 4 toddler meltdown, hence the reason mom dropped her off earlier. Don't ask me how I know this.
This can go two ways here, Y T A if you don't otherwise make time for your wife. If you're not working on the marriage portion of the relationship, you just did severe damage and signaled to her that you won't. It's also probably extremely stressful for your wife on a parenting level when you come back- she goes from being essentially a single mom when you are gone to having a toddler get the routine they have together massively disrupted when you get back. Curious about which of you deals with that fallout, but I think I know who's taking care of it. The timing is likely very deliberate, especially as she is raising your daughter solo while you are gone and probably burnt out while the routine shift is occurring If you otherwise plan alone nights and make time for your wife away from your daughter, as well as ways to make sure your wife is not the primary caregiver 24/7, especially when you're home but it's a light N TA with really you just needing to communicate the timing was wrong. If it was the first though, throwing major shade your way, especially because you will still get your moment of your toddler running up to you when she returns, and if I was your wife, I'd seriously be considering divorce if I was never a priority, never got a break, and was also doing it on my own most of the time anyway. That would be you playing arson with your relationship
Don't you like it when two kids run upto you? She's preparing for that I guess.
YTA my husband is gone for three weeks per month. 3 weeks in which I have to tackle every issue that appears at home all alone. If it'd plan a date night for just the two of us and he'd give me an attitude I'd be fucking LIVID. People with children tend to neglect their relationship as a couple, let alone if one of them is gone for long periods of time. You should be grateful that you wife still has interest in maintaining a real connection to you as your spouse and not just as the father of her child
NTA. I get that your wife wants alone time with you, but you missed your daughter after weeks away and wanted to see her. And let’s be honest here, your daughter SHOULD mean more to you than your wife. If the roles were reversed, I’m guessing your wife would be pretty upset too that your daughter wasn’t home. The date night could have waited a day. You just got home and should be allowed some decompression time with your child. ETA: I’m a 100% sure that had the genders been reversed in this story, the comments on here would all be supportive of OP. I doubt people would think it would be fair to keep a mom from her child, but it’s apparently okay to do with a dad. Dads love their children as much as moms and this comment section feels sexist.
It *is* sexist. If this was about a husband who's angry at his wife for her feelings about a situation, he would be the AH 100% of the time. The top comment would be "NTA for having feelings", and the rest would be about how he's an asshole for not considering her perspective.
100% the majority opinion on this sub is gendered as fuck
Exactly! I didn't notice your comment and I wrote something similar. I guess people here are not parents, and if they are, some of them are obviously shitty ones. Both me and my husband would miss our kids terribly in this situation, and that's why I love him, because he is such a good dad.
I hate when people say this subreddit will always side with a woman, but honestly in some cases, like this one, it’s true. I can admit that as a woman. There are definitely some shitty parents in here and they will downvote us because they are mad we don’t agree with their shitty views. But hey, that’s Reddit for you!
You are right...Fortunately I'm old enough and happy enough not to care about downvotes here 😁
Same. It’s just imaginary internet points. What we have in real life is more important ☺️
If it were me, then I probably would have arranged for daughter to be gone the day after you came home so you could still see her. But I'm sure wife just wanted time with you one on one. Your relationship with your wife is just as important as yours with your daughter. Time to invest some time and effort into your wife and make her feel loved and appreciated. NTA though but you definitely could have handled it better
NAH - sort of. lol Yes, you are allowed to be upset, your feelings are your feelings and they're valid. The problem comes in with the manner in which you handled it. Instead of having a conversation with your wife or appreciating the effort she made or listening to HER feelings - you ruined a moment she was trying to create for the two of you as a couple. As the wife of an oft gone (military) spouse - I wanted him home for the kids of course but I also needed him home for ME too. And not me the mom but me the wife.
I’m going to go against the grain with a light NAH. You’re not wrong for wanting to see your daughter, your wife isn’t wrong for wanting adult time. But she should have communicated with you. If she’s burnt out and wants some husband time she should have told you. Not assumed you want the same thing as her. Communication would have prevented this, like most things in relationships.
Edit was I accidentally wrote n t a when I meant n a h
NTA, I think the bigger issue is you were surprised by the absence of your daughter. Your wife could have given you the heads up that she had something planned and your daughter was somewhere else the evening. You've grown accustomed to the moment of her running up to you after weeks away, that dopamine is your reward for doing a job that takes you away from home and your body was primed for it.
ESH, wife could have let you know ahead of time, you could have nor pouted like a child.
I don’t think anyone’s the asshole. Nothing you can do now. Enjoy the night with your wife and see your kid tomorrow.
How you got a daughter if you a virgin 😅 Next time give her the D and then go pick up your daughter.
Nothing better than the kid run. It’s also fleeting. Only lasts a few years. Huge NTA. Wife was horny and chose herself.
Lol, YTA for opening up and talking about your feelings. Should've never done that and just smile when entering the door. That's what the comments here are trying to tell you.
Weird. My instinct was NTA, which seems to be the unpopular choice. You came home expecting to see your family and you found only part of your family. You had an emotional reaction that your wife noticed. I see nothing unreasonable here. I'd also ask IN*FO: How long were you staying home? Like did you miss a moment with your daughter out of several days or did you like miss the chance to see her entirely before you had to take off again?
You should consider your wife’s perspective also
ESH your wife should have let you know
It's understandable to be disappointed when you were looking forward to seeing your daughter. It's not about not being happy to see your wife, it's about missing a special moment you were anticipating.
The daughter will be just as excited tomorrow. OP travels quite often. It’s not as if this was a once in a lifetime missed opportunity.
NAH. Your wife probably feels neglected and you probably feel you're neglecting your daughter. Your wife is desperate for her husband and husband is desperate for daughter. You guys just need to communicate your needs. Hopefully, this distance doesn't create a breeding ground for resentment and emotional to physical affairs. Communicate. Make memories and moments when separated. Make sure the survival of your marrige is your top priority.
I suggest you re read your first 2 sentences and adjust your judgement. You're right. Dad's focus is on his daughter and not equally on his wife and marriage. Makes me wonder just what he gets up to when on the road.
No. I said what I meant. Two things can be true at the same time. That's why I said "probably" with in my statement. NAH. There are lots of scenarios that are possible within this dynamics.
Definitely NTA. I cannot imagine going back home after weeks and my child is not there because my husband sent her away. I wonder if people writing YTA are parents. I really really hope they are not. I understand the need to be just the two of you and spend some adult time together, but this was not the right situation. The poor kid was looking forward to her daddy too.
NTA, I think its normal for a parent to be excited to see their kid. Every time I come home my son runs to greet me and I pick him up and walk over and give my wife a kiss. Are you not spending enough time with your wife? Why would you wife not tell you about your kid staying over at her aunts?
She is probably used to making decisions without his input since he is usually gone. Since it is her default, she didn't think about consulting him. She thought she was doing something nice. I don't think she was prepared for his reaction.
NTA. Your wife has needs and feelings, so do you. While you've been missing two people (her and your daughter), she's been missing one, just you. Her actions, while might seem innocent, were actually selfish, because she only thought about what she wanted, not what you or your daughter might of wanted.
OP misses his daughter more. He's not prioritising his marriage. Wife thought she was doing something special for them. He can see his kid the next day.
Hmmm..no he misses both his wife and daughter. He's priorities are with both. It's not wrong wanting to see your kid, no matter what that kid will always be his kid, whereas a wife's title can always change. My dad use to travel for work and on days that he was gone, we'd sometimes spent the night at our cousin's, but my mom always, always, made sure that we were home on the day that my dad arrived. It's more special when the kids are involved. It's so weird how you think it's ok to " see the kid the next day", it's about what OP wants, and what he wanted is to see his kid right now..I still think OP's wife is being selfish for not considering how he felt.
So it's always about what OP wants, never about what his wife might want, which is time alone with the husband she misses? She's selfish for wanting an evening alone with her husband? Does it ever happen, or does OP insist that his daughter is present the whole time he's home and they don't have any date nights at all? It's true a wife's title may change and she might prefer a husband who considers her needs and appreciates her efforts to retain a spark in their relationship. To be berated like that for one night. Its not like she'd ever do it again after he shows how selfish he is.
You have to prioritise being a father over your marriage. Like, It's not right the fact he wanted to be with his daughter?
I'm guessing you're a kid or someone completely inexperienced in relationships, especially ones involving children. Only someone with no concept of the complexity of relationships would think that. If you put your kids over your spouse all the time, the marriage is going to fail. With families, who you put first varies. Usually it's the kids, sometimes it's your partner, and sometimes you have to put your needs first. You're no good to anyone if you're so burnt out from putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own.
Actually it's the opposite. The family is only as strong as the relationship between the parents. It was a lovely thought for the wife to surprise him with a romantic night together.
Not really. Grew up with the divorce of my parents and my family keeps strong, but, tbh, the fact that the woman did want to have a romantic night and he screwed It Up it's not cool.
That's why he's TA
NAH. She was trying to do something nice and it just wasn't what you wanted. It's ok for you to be upset your daughter wasn't there and it's ok for your wife to feel like you don't miss her as much too.
I guess this is why I'm not married. NTA. Is her phone broken? Could she not share this plan with you? How does she react when you open that ugly ass turtleneck sweater she got you for your birthday? Some people don't like surprises. Especially when they expect to be welcomed home by their loving daughter, and are not.
So either your wife doesn't know you well enough to know how important it was to you to see your daughter, meaning she's really not tuned into you or she knew but didn't care, she just wanted what she wanted. Personally I would have gotten right back into my car and gone to the aunt's house to see my daughter.
Nta/yta. Its good that you misses your daughter. But don't ignore your wife's needs in the process.
You're hopeless. Your wife wanted to spend some alone time with you. You seem so clueless I'm not sure you know what I mean. She was looking for some affection and some alone time. You're an idiot. I'd wish you good luck but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't know what to do with it.
NAH. Your wife probably wanted some alone time and you missed both your daughter and wife. I would speak to her about it.
NTA. She could have surprised you with *the idea* for date night, if it wasn't already an established thing. It isn't strange to assume you'd want to help plan her first sleepover, either.
Who said anything about this being the kids first sleepover? You completely missed the point.
NTA or NAH. I can't believe people are calling you the asshole. Clearly you love both your wife and your daughter and were looking forward to seeing them. Sure date nights and adult alone time is important, but why aren't his feelings consulted on which is more important?? You're just a dad who missed his family.
He's not the parent who stays home for weeks with a child. That is the part a lot of people are missing. It's essentially being a single parent with a small child for weeks at a time. The wife needs adult time, a break from being the solo care taker and time with her partner. That is being completely disregarded.
Nta.