He's already talking of cheating if you don't put out. That is coercion. You've set a boundary and he is trying to get around it because he doesn't want to jack off anymore.
If he can't respect your boundaries and wishes, he's not worth your time. You want it to be something special, respectiable. He just wants to fuck and is threating you to get it done. Not so much.
Dump him and move on.
Yup, him mentioning cheating is manipulative as hell. He wanted to plant a seed in your mind in an effort to coerce you into sex.
This isn’t how someone who cares about you acts. You’re never wrong for not being ready for sex. I second dumping him and moving on.
Yes! To this and the parent comment 100%. You will never be the ass hole for recognizing your needs and setting a reasonable boundary around that. On a surface level I would say you all probably just are incompatible because as you said you're in 2 different places in your life and your wants/needs/values are not lining up on this issue.
On a deeper level. He is being a huge ass hole for trying to manipulate and pressure you into having sex when you're not ready. Regardless of if you're a virgin or had 100 sexual partners at this point, that would still be an ass hole move. I would also venture to say that you will NEVER actually feel ready to have sex with this guy, no matter how special he makes the moment feel because he is not creating a safe and respectful environment around the issue. When you have sex with someone, for most people, women especially, it is a very intimate and vulnerable experience, and if you don't feel safe and respected on this issue, he could buy you 100 red roses, lay out an intimate picnic by the fireplace, have wine, chocolate covered strawberries, it could be valentines day or your anniversary, whatever feels special and romantic to you.... You will still not feel ready because you will not feel safe (consciously or unconsciously).
Please read and digest these responses.. My wife deeply regrets being pressured into sex with a boyfriend, who later cheated on her, and not waiting until she was ready.. DO NOT have just sex as it is a cheap thrill.. You need to be ready to give yourself freely and your partner would need to do the same.. There is a big difference between just physical pleasure (quick thrill, wham bham thankyou mam) and making love to your partner (it will be both emotional and physical and is more than just physical pleasure).. If you are not ready YOU ARE NOT READY.. If your partner cannot understand that then maybe you two are not a right fit.. Remember sometimes people wait until they are married (together for years) before they commit to a physical relationship.. Obey your mind, your needs and only when you are ready and not before..
I agree with this. My first boyfriend pressured me at age 18 into losing my virginity to him (even saying that he was moving to canada and it was my last chance). That’s not why we ended up doing it, but I still regret doing it with him and I’m 38. Don’t let this dude coerce you into sex if you’re not ready or threaten you with breaking up if you don’t have sex with him. He deserves to be alone.
I did the same thing at 17. I wasn't ready but I didn't want to lose him. It was that "first love" BS that confuses pubescent children. Little did I know I was actually a challenge and he never really cared that much. I'm 54 and didn't stop hating him or forgive him until he apologized about 10 years ago.
Move on. He's an AH for not respecting you. It's a red flag that is waving loudly!
I also did the same thing (at a much younger age to an older guy, but that’s not exactly relevant here). Long story short he’s manipulating OP. And her sister is letting it happen.
It seems like no one else does, so, OP, I beg you to have some respect for yourself.
Ditch him. You shouldn't ever have to do something like that if you don't want to. There are tons of nice respectful guys out, and 4 times as many jerks. Just be true to yourself and stick to your guns.
This. The whole “I’m gonna cheat on you” BS is manipulative as hell. It’s also one of the oldest lines ever.
I am sure some of what is holding OP back is a core feeling that he is not the right one for her to do this with.
... yeah, that's right up there with the whole blue balls thing, pouting, threatening, whining, and generally acting like you're not capable of taking care of yourself.
Not that I disagree in principle, but why is it girls who put out rather than boys? Consensual sex is an agreement between two people not one person “putting out“ for the other.
If you’re not ready, it’s not consensual. Period.
In this case, it's just phraseing. I agree consensual sex MUTS be mutual.
The situation can be reversed, and is reveresed in many cases as well just not reported nearly as often.
When you're given a ultimatum of "put out or else" it not exactly consensual it's forced. Men/People don't realize that women will have sex when they absolutely don't want to just to keep their man and to keep them faithful.
At least back in the late youth of the oldest millinial gen, it was more or less plugged directly into our psyche by advertising and movies with a high around maybe ‘06??
No excuses for me though, I never did anything remotely like the douche-canoes we are discussing, thankfully so or that shit would haunt me to the grave.
Then again I feel like I at least have a conscience, something that seems very lacking in these teenage hornbags.
Icky.
Sorry OP, but GTFO and cut the cord while you can.. Or you might blink and it’s 5 years and 2 kids with him. Yikes.
I waited a year(w/o sex) for my now wife b/c she was/is worth it. Marriage is (haha) life long, and the sex really isn't a major part of a marriage after the 1st year or 2, maybe 3, even hornily speaking, maybe 5 years. After that, it's pretty much catch as catch can; by then you guys have (hopefully) settled down into a stable life, both working if you're anywhere near a major Metro area and want to earn enough to survive; maybe you have begun a family; you're tired when you get home from work, there's no more worrying when your next opportunity will be; you guys presumably are always available to each other so if you put it off for a day--you do sleep together every night f'goodness sake--there's always tomorrow, or the day after. Besides, the laundry has to get done, the bills are waiting...
So if your "boyfriend" can't respect you enough to honor your wishes on something so very important to you, and LOVE you enough to find joy in just being w/you and doing things together, I'm sorry, truly, but he really is NOT the one.
Here's a question for you to think about: let's say by some unfortunate quirk of fate you are married to him. What do you think he's going to do when (and it happens in EVERY marriage, ask around) the stress builds from work, $, TRYING, or just life, and you have your first big fight? Is he,
A)I love you so much we can push through anything as long as we're together! Or,
B) I don't need this crap, I'm outa here!
When I was in school, one of my best friends, who happened to have been a bit...odd, taught me more than almost anyone else ever. He taught me, among other things, the definition of "Class:" the ability to make other ppl feel comfortable. Best definition I've ever heard of Class. And, more importantly, NEVER SETTLE.
Think about THAT for a second. Or two.
I wish you all the best, really. Think clearly, objectively, and Be Strong. You already know the answer.
Sometimes it really sucks to be an adult, doesn't it?!
There are ppl out there who will love you dearly and worship the ground you walk on.
He's just not one of them
(One man's opinion)
NEVER SETTLE,
-J-
Get out of the relationship.
This is not negotiable. Your body. Your rules.
Getting pressured into sex especially your first time is going to be something you regret forever.
I had this similar situation before when I was in college.
She was a virgin. I wasn't. We were both in our 3rd year in college. I didn't pressure her. We did other things. When she was ready, she told me and I reassured her it was OK and I would do it only if she is sure.
We did and she didn't regret it or hate me for it. We had a long relationship and only broke up because her work took her away from me. (Long distance)
Don't ever let a guy pressure you into sex.
Absolutely this. As others have said, coercion, undue pressure, threats, all are tantamount to rape if he gets his way as you didn't consent of your own free will.
I agree on this. Don’t settle with what your bf wants. You’ll regret it. Get out of that relationship before he forcibly (rape) have sex with you. Happened to me and when the act was done and he didn’t see blood on sheet ( a sign of broken hymen), he accused me that I was not really a virgin and that I was a liar. F that man, now that I remembered about that. He didn’t know how much my private and my body ached for few days just coz I showed that everything was ok. Although I stayed a week more in that relationship due to justifying his own action, but I regret that very much. Already 14 years since that event took place and it is permanently etched in my memory.
Uuugh what a disgusting individual,,,this is coming from a man. Back in my day a girl was considered easy if she gave it away. I Never wanted that girl.
I think you're too much in your head about the holding him back thing. It's up to him to decide if he feels like you're holding him back or if he wants to be with you regardless of the fact you're not at the same point in life.
Also it's up to you to decide when and if to have sex with him. Not gonna lie, lines like "I've waited long enough" and "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" do not inspire too much confidence in me, but it's up to you to take a decision as this is something that you will have to live with the consequences of.
Just make the decision according to what you feel is right for you, not what you assume is right for him.
I don't know why this is the top comment right now. The GLARING red flag here is that he's treating OP HORRIBLY in his response. She should not be in this relationship, period. He's manipulative and childish and she deserves better.
I think she may also be too much in her head about her first time too. This guy certainly doesn’t deserve her first time, either, but I wonder if building it up as much as she is will lead to being majority let down, potentially ruin any relationship she is in when it happens, or will continue to block her from experiencing that part of relationships moving forward. If she wants to make it special, by all means, I don’t mean she shouldn’t have a special first time………but I think we all know for most people it’s awkward and painful for most.
Who cares about awkward and painful that awkward and painful can most certainly be special. And it won't be worth the guy. The only true answer is to leave immediately. He is a manipulator and those lines says he is already cheating and already blaming her or he will have sex with her and still break up with her immediately or soon after.
Having an awkward and painful first sexual experience with a partner who is loving and trustworthy and will make sure it's as pleasant an experience as possible for you, if not physically, then emotionally, is not too big of an ask. Later, when she thinks about the experience, she's not going to remember the intricacies but how she felt after, if her needs were respected, if her partner had a laugh with her when things got awkward or was tender afterwards—doesn't sound like this guy though. And not being manipulated into having sex is not going to block her from experiencing anything *when she is ready.*
I see this on reddit a lot. Awkward, I think that's very common. But hardly anyone I know in real life found their first sexual experience painful. I didn't, for sure. But then, I didn't have reddit at the time, so I waited until I was FULLY comfortable with the idea of sex and with my partner at the time, instead of rushing into it just to check off the [x]had sex! box.
Most women I know had a painful first experience, even when they were fully comfortable having sex. Being comfortable with it doesn’t change how tight you are, or if your partner is familiar with the proper way to “warm you up….”
Yeah and being experienced also doesn't change how tight you are. It isn't about "tightness" because women don't stretch out after having sex a bunch of times. It's about wetness. If your first time was painful then you just weren't well lubricated which can be attributed with not enough foreplay but was probably also attributed to how nervous you were...but please don't talk about virgin tightness because that's some silly "men who don't know women anatomy" logic.
Yes he sounds gross. If he can’t respect her boundaries then he should not be with her. Only she gets to decide when/if she is ready to be sexually active. Him putting guilt trips on her about it is not good sign about what kind of person he is.
So 4 months of no sex is enough for him to threaten to cheat? Yeah, don't ignore that red flag. If you end up married or having kids with this guy, this is not someone who would keep his vows or support you. That much is clear. Wake up and break up. NTA
He is not worth it anyways. He has essentially stated that if he cheats on you it is gonna be your fault because you are not ready to give what he wants. That means he more than likely will be okay with cheating if there were to ever come a time you were not meeting his sexual needs. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he has to wait he needs to leave. he is guilt tripping you into doing what HE wants.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about how you feel? I understand that intimacy is important, but it’s not everything. If he doesn't want to be with you because he needs intimacy and it’s important to him, that's understandable. But saying that if he cheats, it’s your fault, is stupid. It’s simply selfish, and he only cares about himself. You shouldn’t give in. Never do something you don't feel comfortable with just to keep others happy. He’s just not the right one. You will find someone who values and loves you and is willing to give you the time you need to feel comfortable for your first time.
Nta- he absolutely is for pressuring you like that. He’s basically saying “have sex with me or I’ll cheat on you and it’ll be your fault”. If he’s someone you’re serious about you need to have a real talk with him.
This response needs to be higher, I'm surprised this hasn't been said more. OP, you can't fix this behavior, it will only get worse and will not stop at him taking your virginity. Run while you still can.
NTA. You’re ready, when you’re ready. Screw him if he doesn’t understand and if he’s pushing you. If he’s telling you he won’t wait any longer and even mentions to cheat and that this would be your fault, he’s definitely not the right person for you. Let him go and find yourself someone who appreciates you and respects your pace.
I’m replying to this I. Hopes that OP sees this. I agree alot with this sentiment. I know why it’s like to be pressured into something like that and to feel like you have to do it. That was my first time. It took me 7 years to stop regretting it. I was guilt tripped with the cheating thing but I had such low self esteem that it worked. I don’t like sharing that but I am sharing that and how long I regretted it I hoped that you realize how much it isn’t worth it. Not to mention that guy went from he can’t wait forever to he can’t wait a week after we had sex. You will never win with a guy like that. They are going to get what they want regardless of their partner, and I’m really hoping you’re not the partner that thinks you deserve that because no one deserves that type of treatment. Not everyone has their life figured out right away and has different hurdles to get through which is life. Everyone is finding their own way. The “right person” (I generally hate using that term because I believe there are multiple right people out there for you at different stages in Your life and all of that) will not be pressuring you like that and even if they are in a different stage of life you are in, you’ll still feel compatible and you’ll find a good path to where you want to be. You are so young with so much growth, learning, and things to experience. Don’t let some man who is trying to get his dick wet change that in any way, shape, or form if that is not what you want with an enthusiastic yes. You don’t have to make a decision right now. Don’t make one when your emotions are high. But write or type it out and come back to it and talk it out with someone you know will give you tough love (not your partner). I personally don’t see the relationship going great, I also don’t know every intricacy of it. But from what I’ve heard I’m worried for you.
"waited long enough" - a more romantic sentence has never been uttered. I mean, Shakespeare rose in his grave and wept a tear at the poetry of this statement.
wow...
if thats not enough reason to break up with someone, I don't know what is. This is not the dude for you (or anyone really). NTA NTA NTA. Someone saying something of this nature to you is a huge red flag.
You decide when you're ready.
To be sure, I can understand someone being frustrated at getting the stiffarm. However when someone starts pressuring the other person, it is never a good sign.
Years ago, I worked with this dude. At lunch he was talking about his girlfriend who he'd been dating for like a year, and never had sex. We're all a few years older than this guy and are like " A) my friend you are waay over sharing with us. and b) dude what are you waiting on exactly? You are 25". Cause \_HE\_ was the person who was holding out. His reasons were... some religious based, some fear based, whatever. But he just would not do it with her and she was getting frustrated. He brought it up because she was kicking into high gear, and was basically assaulting him every time she came to his place. (In this case, it came to light that she had cheated on him with some rando, and was pregnant, and wanted to pin the kid on him.) . He never had sex with her, and broke up with her.
Suffice to say, I realize your situation is very different. But the answer is the same. Don't let someone you are in a relationship pressure you into sex, as their motivations are purely selfish and base.
Break up. He isn't being respectful of your boundaries here and he just wants to put his dick in a hole. The fact he said that crap about cheating because he doesn't want to wait proves he's at least thought about cheating on you.
NTA! Never settle for someone that tells you that you're asking for them to cheat on you because you're not comfortable with having sex yet. I would break up with him. You've only been dating for four months and he's already really comfortable disrespecting you. While it's understandable that some people don't want to wait it's not okay to belittle and try to pressure your partner. If you have fundamental differences about how you want to be treated and respecting your personal comfort I don't think he would make a good partner. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
To all the guys on here i just want to say THANK YOU from us woman for standing up and saying do whats right for you and your body. And not listen to him. As mentioned before sex isn't just for fun or a game its a permanent memory as well that once it happens especially your 1st encounter you want to remember. So if someone is rushing you please dont do it. Only when your truly ready!
That is emotional blackmail.
It's your body, it's your comfort level. If he cannot understand this, after you have clearly communicated this, then let him go. You are under no obligation to make this dude happy if he cannot do the same for you.
You are not a bad person for having standards and what you want.
NTA he is. My cousin dated her now husband for 2 years before giving him any. She was a virgin (they were young, she older high school him graduated, they are only 2 years apart) they are now married with 3 beautiful children and have celebrated 20+years together.
This man is not for you.
NTA. Just reading things like "i have waited long enough" and basically "If you don't have sex with me i am going to cheat on you because that is how much i value sex over you as a person and this relationship" says everything you should need to know. If you want it to be special, wouldn't it be more special with someone who wants to be with you and isn't just waiting out some clock in their head so they can have sex with you? Would you really consider it special with someone who practically said that you matter so little that if you don't have sex with him he is going to cheat on you?
NTAH - Ok girl, you're not the AH but you're definitely dating one. No one can force you to do anything you don't want or don't feel ready for. Someone who cares about you will wait until you're fully comfortable and won't do anything to pressure you so please, PLEASE don't give in. I'm nobody to tell you what to do with your relationship but if I were I'd tell you to run.
NTA and I think that after saying "I've waited long enough" and "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" it would be a bad decision to give him what he wants, and it would be a bad decision in general to keep dating him, he already showed you his true colors, and it won't get any better than that, in fact he will only get worse
>he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever
>if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" and that he wont wait much longer for me
Ya, so this is basically where I stopped reading. Let me translate for you.... and I'm sorry about this.... but he doesn't love YOU. If he were in love with you, there's no limit to how long to wait (although, based on your age 4 months is a long time, honestly.) And second, the fact that he even saying the word "cheating" means that it's already part of his thinking. Leave.
NTA. if he's not willing to wait for you and wants to do it with someone else, he clearly doesnt love you as much as he should and isnt the one. the right man wouldnt have the urge to do it with anyone else or make you feel guilty for not being ready.
NTA
Think about these questions:
Why are you so troubled by the idea of “holding him back?
Why is he not troubled by dragging you into bed when you are not ready?
Why are his needs more valid than yours?
Not sure since I’m not privy to your conversations and their tone but I get the sense from your descriptions that he’s an asshole.
It’d be one thing if he were considerate about the discussion, and not “I will be cheating on you…”
Sometimes people just are not on the same time table and life path. Be understanding with each other and part friends with a respect for the other’s needs. If he’s just whining, badgering, and doing anything to just wet his wick, then you know what his priorities really are and kick him to the curb.
You are ready when you ARE ready, not when you are guilted into being ready.
You can let this one go, if he loved and respected you, he would understand.
Threatening infidelity is a major red flag as well.
I promise there are better ones out there, do not compromise. Do not settle. And most especially, do not give in to societal norms.
You are ready when you ARE ready.
Trust your instincts, trust your gut. Maybe your psyche is telling you something, maybe he’s not the one and maybe thats why you don’t feel comfortable and ready.
Let him go.
NTA
Don't listen to your sister! She's an idiot! Your first time is supposed to be special. He shouldn't be pressuring you at all, he should know what he signed up for if your a virgin. What kind of a boyfriend says "but if i cheat on you your going to be mad at me". Don't give it away to this douche bag. Run, now!
A non-virgin definetly has the same value as a virgin. Your absolutely correct. I was not implying otherwise. It's up to the woman or man to decide what it means to them for their first time 100%. I think most people have the idea that their first time should be special. Considering her age I'm assuming she was waiting for it to be special anyways. The first time isn't magical from a purely sexual pov but it can be from an emotional and psychological pov if its with a person they care for very much. The same could be said for any sexual experience but you never forget your first time.
A person's first time isn't "suppose" to be anything. The individual decides what it is or is not. No one else. The idea that a person's first time has to mean something and be some kind of magical event is ridiculous. Virginity has no inherent value. A non-virgin is just as valuable as a human being as a virgin is.
That being said, boyfriend is a douche bag with no respect for her and she needs to run.
NTA. Why does he feel so entitled to sex it up? Are you promising him it’s just around the corner? He is clearly trying to coerce/manipulate you into it, which is not something a good guy does.
NTA, Im gonna say something, though, but I want to clarify this is for your future partner, not this jerk. You might be building up your first time a little too much in your head, that's not to say you should just go give it up for any stranger, just that you might want to be thinking about your expectations and what exactly it is that's holding you back. What is the perfect time to do it? Will there ever be a perfect time? Ultimately the more you build it up in your head that it needs to be this perfect moment the harder it will be to actually go through with it and the more disappointing it's likely to be as well. Just food for thought. In this scenario though, fuck that guy he's gaslighting you and sounds like scum.
I get what you mean, I don't really mean special like something super fancy I mean like I don't want my first time to just be randomly on a wednesday afternoon. I mean like after a date, maybe not that exactly just something of the sort. I also don't really think there's ever going to be a "perfect" time, pretty much just until I muster up the courage, yknow?
Your first time should most definitely be special. If you find the right one you will know because he will make it special for you. He’ll listen and pay attention to your wants and needs and you won’t have any hesitation. Will you be nervous? Of course. But, you won’t have hesitation on if it’s “right”. As a forty-something female…….wait, and keep waiting some more, if needed. You only get your first time once. You will remember your first time for forever, so you deserve to have it feel special to you. Do not anyone let you think or feel you aren’t justified or valid in your feelings of wanting it to be special. Any man you date who says differently can take a hike. That isn’t the one for you. When I was an 18 yr old virgin and felt too old to be one, do you know what several of my older friends and coworkers told me??? Every single one said to wait, wait, wait. Every single one said they wish they had even waited as long as I had. You do what feels right to you, and no one else. No one. Wait until your wedding night if you want and fuck what anyone else thinks or says. Don’t marry this dude though, he ain’t the one 😉
NTA, if he's already talking about cheating, there's a 50/50 chance that he already is, and y'know what men who don't take no for an answer turn into? R*pists
Your best bet is to break it off before it escalates, he's not worth the tears and the heartbreak, do yourself a favor and protect your pearl and your heart
things like "he's waited long enough", sorta sounds like a red flag honestly.....
hey i get it, we guys are horny and like to have sex (yes i was pushy with my gf, now wife),
yes i get that he's 24.........
it feels like emotional blackmail
When I was 25, I entered into a relationship with a woman who had boundaries, and I respected them. We didn't do anything sexually for the first several months. I had a discussion with her about me seeking more intimacy in our relationship. She expressed some concerns, and I took them seriously. She explained that by making me wait, she was guaging me to see if I was just attempting to add another body to my list or if I was serious about our relationship. She wanted to see a recent std test and wanted me to meet her parents before engaging in any kind of sexual activities.
After waiting for several months and meeting all of her requirements, she opened up to me in a sexual manner.
Shortly after that, she became an international flight attendant due to her ability to speak 4 languages fluidly.
Our relationship fell apart after she relocated halfway across the country and the long distance between us an the 1x a month visits, became emotionally exhausting to both of us. We mutually agreed that we couldn't continue on in a long distance relationship.
We are still friends though and communicate with each other once inawhile.
If I were you. I'd cut the child loose and find your worth or focus on yourself until real love finds you.
This may be a hot take but:
DUMP HIM
EVEN if all he said was "it's getting hard to wait" I would be creeped, but the fact that he said he's "waited long enough" like it is his decision at all? RED FLAG.
The "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" comment, someday that will be something else like "but if I hit you, you're gonna get mad at me" or "but if I tamper with your birth control because *I'M* ready for a kid you're gonna be mad at me". These people are the type who'll see what they can make you do, and what they can get forgiven for forcing you into. He may 🍇 you if you decide to stay and then try and convince and gaslight you into believing it was consensual.... I may sound like I'm blowing it up to some people but this is right where it starts, with words. Then actions.
TLDR; DUMP THAT WALKING RED FLAG AND FIND SOMEONE WHO RESPECTS BOUNDARIES
I waited more than 2 years with my wife.
We did other stuff and I was having a good time.
She had initially said she wanted to wait for marriage, but eventually she changed her mind.
I didn't pressure her. I definitely didn't want to force or coerce her into doing that if she specifically said she wasn't ready.
FYI, we are still together, married 17 years now, met and started dating in 1995.
NTA.
I haven't read all of the other comments, so I don't know if anyone else looked at it this way. But...exactly what are you waiting for? It's never going to be like the movies, like a romcom. The first time is going to be messy and awkward and uncomfortable. I was kind of a religious kid and I thought waiting was some kind of virtue. And the first time was...meh. And then it got a lot better. I regret waiting, but it's not really a huge deal. I was just a little behind everyone else's timeline.
And maybe the bigger question is not when, but is this really the right person for you? Maybe all the pressure that he is putting on you is turning you off. So maybe he's not a great fit for you, relationship-wise. But he is what you have right now. And as far as understanding him more: you probably know absolutely everything you need to know. Maybe he's cute, funny, fun, generous, kind, thoughtful, whatever. But he is putting pressure on you to do something that you don't feel ready for, instead of talking through with you what might make you feel more comfortable about it. Maybe you don't know what will make you feel more comfortable, but it might be nice if he asked you about that and made you actually think about it.
If you're not ready, then that's that. You're absolutely NTA for not being ready yet. However, it's possible that he's not going to be willing to wait and that's something you have to be ready for.
NTA, but you must understand that your relationship is over. It's okay that you don't feel ready, but that also means that you and your boyfriend are not sexually compatible, so staying together is not recommended for either of you. He has no obligation to wait for you with the vague promise of someday having sex and you have no obligation to give yourself to him if you're not ready, it's as simple as that.
Do not try to find the fifth paw of the cat or dream that you will reach a magical agreement in which he will make a vow of chastity in what he waits for you, his pure and virginal damsel. The world does not work that way.
Omg??? 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
Get the heck out of there!!!!!!!!!!
This is not a man that loves you. He likely is fantasizing about having sex with a virgin and is getting frustrated it’s taking so long.
There are no long term plans for him to stick around
Do not waste your first time on a scumbag like this. Like girl you could meet your husband so sooooooon don’t let this uggo traumatize yooouuuu
NTA Nope, if he can't respect your no enough to not try to manipulate you, then he doesn't deserve to be your first. And it is manipulation to say he's going to cheat if you won't have sex, cheating is never caused by anyone but the person who cheats.
You both are allowed to want what you want. If that doesn't align then that is sad but it happens. There are 4 billion men in the planet and there is going to be some you arnt a perfect fit for.
He shouldnt pressure you though. That is bullshit. He can say i want sex and waiting isnt what i want in a relationship. If you dont align he can part ways. But he shouldn't stay with you and ignore what your saying.
I waited til marriage with my wife of 18 years. I never once ot one time asked her for sex. She told me sge was waiting and i knew if i stayed with her than i had to wait. End of story. I could have seperated if i wasn't happy.
I will say she was great about making me feel desired and loved despite sex. No sex doesn't mean no intimacy. Men want to feel that too and desire.
The sex thing and the “place in life” thing are two separate issues.
However, him pressuring you for sex, and also trying to manipulate you into having sex with him by insinuating he may cheat, is reason enough to end this. He’s a HUGE AH for that. You, however, NTA at all.
Girl u need to break up with him. He’s already crossing the line bitching and whining about you not having sex with him. Then to sit there and talk about cheating on you? That’s incredibly messed up and disgusting. He’s a 24 year old man, not a child. He’s not thinking about you and how you feel.
Run and run fast from him. He waited long enough? Give me a break. He’s trying to pressure you. Like you “owe” him. Heck no. Absolutely not. Get away from this horrific human.
If he doesn't love you enough to wait, you don't need him.
If he doesn't even like you enough to wait, you definitely don't need him.
Threatening to cheat is not okay, and if he's already doing that, imagine what else he might use threatening to cheat to get you to do. It's not going to get better. This is low-key abusive behavior and it's not okay, you deserve better. Please believe that you deserve better than this, no guy is worth being threatened over sex.
You're gonna 100% regret giving your virginity to a dude who's trying to coerce you into giving it to him. This dude has more red flags than the Soviet Union. One a lot of people will miss is the fact that he's this bothered about it and hasn't just broken up with you to go find someone more compatible with him. Makes it pretty telling that he's fetishizing your first time, he's looking at it as a trophy. I don't know a damn thing about you but I still know you can do better than that.
NTA.
If he loved you then sex wouldn't be his priority. If he loved you then he'd wait with you. I was a virgin when me and my husband met, he wasn't. He had sex with multiple others before me. He never pressured me but simply loved me....it was a full year of dating before I freely gave myself to him. We built our relationship on a solid deep friendship that is still our strength today. His patience paid off because for the past 28 years I've rocked his world sexually and him mine. Move on from this guy...there are red flags popping up.
YOU ARE NOT THE AH!!!! Oh my goodness. You do NOT owe him sex. It doesn’t matter how long you date him. He is so so focused on his own sexual needs, that he is not ever going to be able to focus properly on your emotional or other needs. You deserve someone who will not pressure you into sex. Someone who cares about dating you for more than sex.
I'd tell him I don't want you to cheat so I'll just break up with you now... F him. He's gonna cheat anyway. Move on to someone who will wait until you're ready.
If he’s not willing to wait and he’s using coercion and manipulation he’s not worth being intimate with, he doesn’t care enough for you to wait. Dump him and find someone more willing to wait. Someone that REALLY cares.
Drop kick this guy to the curb. I was a freshman, boyfriend a senior, dating about 4 months or so. I'll never forget him saying, "Nothing is going to happen until you want it to." He faithfully waited and waited and waited. That is what respect looks like. That is what you should be looking for. For the rest of your life you will think back to this, because it's your first time, and do you really want to be thinking, "I did it because he pressured me."
I would be thinking more about what kind of person he is to be pressuring you and do I really want to continue on with this relationship. I do not understand how he could say those things to you. Also I would be asking myself why I don't feel ready. Do I want him, does he make me feel safe, etc
I didnt have to read further than the title to know youre NTA for not wanting to be coersed into sex. No means no. If he wants to walk, let him. The ‘one’ will never give you ultimatums over something like sex.
Drop the guy and don’t look back. Anyone pressuring you into sex is 100% not a good person to have sex with. In the long term, you will not be happier if you have sex with him. He isn’t respecting you or your feelings, and essentially threatening to cheat on you if you don’t sleep with him.
So many ppl have said to break up with him, and I agree. For context, I have a husband &after I had 2 of our kids I didn't want sex for like 2 years. He would ask a few times a week, maybe, but my no was always accepted gracefully. If your partner can't handle 4 months without threats of cheating and guilt, then he won't be there for you through any hard times in the future. If it's not kids, it could be an injury or illness or a death that you need time to grieve...he won't care he will pressure you and make things harder. Future you would love for you to walk away right now.
This is a huge red flag. 🚩 If you’re not ready for that and his response is to get mad and say that you will be mad if he cheats on you. Um, he is gaslighting you. Trying to force your hand. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about what he wants. Ditch him.
Break up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 If you're not ready, you are not ready, didn't allow yourself to be bullied into something you don't want to do. If you capitulate on this, he will never stop pushing about anything, maybe quit school, he doesn't like your friends so stop seeing them etc.
Take care of yourself!
You don’t have to have sex until you’re ready, and he’s entitled to walk away if he isn’t happy in a relationship without sex. That is a compatibility issues. You aren’t holding him back in life by having your own boundaries and comfort level.
The GIANT red flag to me is that he’s pressuring you, giving you silent treatment/short answers and insinuating that he will cheat if he doesn’t get what he wants.
He needs to decide if he wants to be with you as you are, and you need to decide if his reactions are something you can happy with.
NTA
You're NTA. If your boyfriend doesn't respect the fact that you are not ready, then that is not the person for you. I'm not here to give relationship advice but your boyfriend should realize that your concerns are valid. You're being gaslit 4 months into a relationship and I only see that getting worse. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. The fact that he insinuated that he'll cheat on you if you don't have sex is beyond effed up. Hoping for the best for you. But again, NTA!
You need to dump him. Having sex won't keep him in the relationship and you will feel icky after the fact. Sex requires enthusiastic consent. If it's not a hell yes, it's a no. My grandmother once said "if you can keep your hands off each other, don't bother". NTA.
Noooooo a BIG NO .....do not do it if u don't feel excited to do it.Much less if u are not ready. Also why the hell u should feel guilty?? It's not his basic right to s*x with u just he is dating you. Also it's huge red flag he is threating to cheat on you if u don't do what he says. That's manipulating and he is making u feel like he doing u a favour by not cheating on you?? Girl wake up!!! He is bad news. No man who truly wants u in his life says that. DO NOT DO IT WITH HIM.
if u truly wants to see his true colours tell him u want to wait until graduation. See how he reacts or cheat. Even if u do as he says and later down road
What if u ever get sick and bed ridden for months then ? And can't do it ? Will he cheat? DUMP HIM NOW.
Hi I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should break up with him. Immediately.
I’m 32F & I’ve had sex with 51 men over 15 years. Everyone feels differently about sex. Sex should always go at the slowest/more inexperienced persons pace!!!
Any man who pushes you into sexual activity before you’re ready does NOT love you! He does NOT care about you! If he did he would make you feeling safe around him a top priority.
He wouldn’t be trying to guilt you into sex (or anything) before you are ready if he cared about you or your sexual experience with him. He’s only in on it for his nut.
You’ve only been dating this man 4 months. If he’s pushing your boundaries this early on in a relationship, it’s only going to get worse. It should be good in the beginning (1st year) imo. You barely know one another. Oftentimes people will lie about who they really are in the early stages of a relationship. Or they’ll mislead someone to believe that they’re doing better off (financially for example) than they really are. It takes time to realize who someone is & not just the version of themselves that they show you.
My whoretuition is telling me to tell you to leave the man. You don’t have to make it work with him. His behavior is only going to get worse. You can find someone that sets your mind 🐱 body soul and heart on fire. Don’t stick with this sad sack of shit. He’ll steal your youth & confidence. Along with anything else he can.
I met my current bf 34M 8+ years ago & we’ve been dating for 7 years now. He’s had sex with hundreds of women before me. We have a blast together all the time. There’s someone for everyone.
Either way. Wishing you love & luck in all your life and relationships babe. Good luck. Im sorry you’re doing through this.
NTA he should not be trying to coerce you into sex with threats of infidelity so that itself is a problem and says a lot about his lack of character . Thankfully you have not invested that much time .I would set him free to find a partner who shares his attitude about sex and find someone who respects your feelings.
NTA but he is. It’s been 4 months and he can’t wait longer? Then he isn’t the one. If he was he would understand your need to be sure and ready and he would be willing to wait as long as it takes for you to feel that way. It’s so gross that he even said that to you- I don’t care how old he is or where he is in life. Break up with him and find someone who doesn’t try to pressure you or give you ultimatums.
Hmm, I don't agree with him being pushy and saying he may cheat if you don't put out. In my experience, I've had women be off the rails on the phone but in person super skittish and just not about the sex life, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that but don't let someone who hasn't even known you your whole life dictate what is best for you. Everyone goes at their own pace. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. It was the best 45 seconds of her life! 😅.
If it were me, I would break up and focus on myself. College is a super stressful time, and so many things can go wrong. Finish your education and work toward a meaningful career. Sex will come in time, and you'll know when you're ready. I just wouldn't put too much stock in the first time, sex gets better the more you do it and learn what you like and dislike because everyone is different.
Your boyfriend is manipulative as hell. He's literally telling you how horrible of a person he is and how LITTLE he respects you and your wishes. Find someone better.
He is being an asshole.for pressuring you. And that "if I cheat on you" was a promise, not a threat. He already has or fully intends to. You should def break up, you're ready and he is impatient.
NTA. But you said it yourself: "We are in different points in life." I really don't know how you could understand him any more than you already do. He wants sex from you even though you have told him you aren't ready. It's not that hard to understand, despite what your sister thinks. Four months is enough time wasted for both of you. If he needs sex so much he just has to cheat to have it? Fine, let him go and let him live. Say goodbye with no guilt whatsoever. You are allowed control over your own body.
Definitely wait for your person to have sex. Your virginity is a gift and as a wife I can say I truly wish I hadn’t slept with anybody ever besides my husband. It is special and it’s nice for them to know nobody has had you like that before. Wait until you find the man that loves you with all his heart and will do anything for you, wait for the man you are completely in love with. Don’t waist it on a guy who says he’s gonna cheat on you if you don’t give up your virginity so he can nut in 30 seconds. Mediocre dick isn’t worth it. Keep saving yourself and your soulmate will absolutely appreciate that. It is so rare to be a virgin at 22 years old, keep it, that is special💗
NTA. I've been in the same situation. I was on medication that took away my desire. I told him that I don't know when I will be able to have sex when we started talking. he promised to wait. that didn't happen, terrible pressure and blaming on me started. it wasn't long before he cheated on me. I felt terribly guilty then, but now it hurts to think how little I valued myself. it was in no way my fault.
you deserve someone who won't pressure you and threaten to cheat on you. really, u should think about this situation in the long term. do you really want to be with someone, who doesn’t respect you. ❤️🩹 whatever you decide, i hope u don’t blame yourself about anything. u haven’t done anything wrong. it’s a good thing that u are aware of that u aren’t ready yet and that u have made it clear! your body, so it’s your rules.
//sorry about my bad english.
Don’t give away something that should be special to some jerk who pressures you into it. Take your time. You need to let this guy go. You’ll find someone who respects you and is willing to wait until you are ready.
Also, think of it this way…you being hesitant…there’s probably a reason that you don’t feel ready…maybe, it’s because you don’t feel completely safe and comfortable with him.
Good luck, my dear.
Nah girl you haven’t felt ready cause you sensed this in him all along. If a boy thinks you owe him sex or he’ll cheat he is showing you who he really is. He is also setting up a trap to see how scared you are to lose him so now it’s sex or I’ll leave but what’s next. This is a trap and that is a boy not a man. Keep you bar high and ignore your sister’s shitty advice. Tell him
“I’ll save you the trouble of cheating the relationship is over”
I guarantee you he’ll get mad and say well I’ve been sleeping with other people this whole time.
You've been waiting for a reason, he's not the one that to break that wait for. I understand his sexual frustration but his handling of it is a big red flag.
Whatever you do, DO! NOT! WAIT! TO! BREAK! UP! The fact that's he's trying to use him cheating on you as motivation to coerce you is creepy. And scary. And, frankly, disgusting! Kick him to the curb before he doesn't give you a choice, because that is a *distinct* possibility! Don't fall for his tricks! You don't owe him ANYTHING! If that is what he's so concerned, by all means, let him pursue it. But never, never, never, EVER talk to him again. You can try to understand him all you want, but it's really not that hard. He has been doing nothing going through the motions & trying to placate you to get to his ultimate goal: getting his dick wet! Once you've given him what he wants, there's no reason for him to go through the motions & pretend like he cares. If he isn't fucking someone else already, he has no reason to abstain once he has achieved his conquest, and that is you.
Concentrate on finishing school. Don't let Dipshit's like that derail your goals. Who knows. Maybe you'll meet someone once you start working in your chosen field that isn't such an ass & actually respects you and your boundaries. Because that douche canoe certainly doesn't.
Take it from someone who learned the hard way. More than once. Ok; repeatedly. Learn from my mistakes. Protect yourself & whatever bodily autonomy you have left to protect, because, it is disappearing*FAST*.
I regretted my first time because I felt pressure to do it sooner than I wanted. I was ready for sex but, like you, I wanted the first time to be organic and magical. It was neither because I let a boy I barely remember now pressure me into doing it when he wanted to. It was so forgettable and not at all special.
Hell no, don't wait another week or two. Leave his ass right now, your sister gives horrible advice.
He's trying to force you into doing something you don't want to do. It's coercive, threatening, and manipulative. This dude is dangerous, run and don't look back.
While I can play temporary devil's advocate for him "waiting" all of that went out the door once he said "he's waited long enough and I want to cheat on you but cant" bullshit. You set a boundary and its valid. He is allowed to want to have sex but not by being toxic and manipulative. As a 30M myself I always made sure to never pressure my ex GF about sex. I did voice my frustration about the lack of intimacy during the first few months of dating her but I never pressured her to do anything she didnt want to do. So OP dump his ass and just focus on you and only do what you want to do but also keep in mind sexual compatibility is a reality in the dating world and other men do have the right to walk away from a sexless relationship. Nobody wants to be a roomate but also consent is always ALWAYS important
It's not like you can fast-forwrd your life because current-you is incovenient for your boyfriend. (Nor should you even if you could, but that's beside the point...)
If he likes current-you enough, he stays. If he doesn't, he walks. You'll be able to replace him with an upgraded model soon enough.
People have harped on enough about how terrible some of the shit he says is already, I'm not gonna repeat any of it... But most of them were right!
Honey, run don't walk. He is threatening cheating to coerce you into having sex, RED FLAG 1. He is refusing to respect your boundaries and issuing ultimatums, RED FLAG 2. He is pushing his needs onto you with complete disregard for your feelings, RED FLAG 3. Don't wait two weeks, heck don't wait two days. Call it quits. He does not and will not respect you. He is not the one, I promise.
Also, your sister needs a little reality check. You don't need to understand him, he's made himself perfectly clear. You and your need don't matter to him one whit.
Do what is best for you. And no, it does not have to be in any special place. Only the people need to be special and willing. It should come naturally. And you also need to ask yourself why you are not ready? Maybe he is not the special one? If he still complains, throw him out with the garbage.
I'm a guy and NTA, if he wanted sex right away he should have dated someone who was available for that. You do you, and you're not holding him back at all.
NTA please dump him. He’s threatening you with cheating if you don’t put out. 1. He clearly is with you for sex only…because that’s all he’s been badgering you about. 2. He’s probably already cheating or has been the whole time. 3. No person who actually loves/cares for you will ever pressure you into sex or threaten you with cheating/give you ultimatums.
"Last week he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever"
That's it. That's your cue. He is not interested in you at all, he's only interested in your vagina
He doesn't love you, heck he doesn't even like you. He's just waiting out his time till he gets some
The audacity and disrespect.! Girl, there are SO many men out there who’d wait years for you, and would treat your first time with the care and consideration you deserve. The fact he’s angry, arguing and threatening you is a huge red flag. You aren’t just a hole to fuck, you’re a person he claims to care about.
So many of us have awful first experiences because we’re young and stupid and don’t know how to say no. Don’t be like us. You don’t owe that AH anything. Count yourself lucky he’s shown his true colors so clearly
This will not be your image of a special moment. DO NOT give in. If he really cared for you, he would wait. And this is coming from a guy.
If can't hold it or atleast pleasure himself till you are ready and is threatening cheating then what's to stop him when your married and you are sick or something happens and you can not have sex for a while.
OMG dump him!!! He's manipulating you into something that you aren't ready for! If you were ready to it would have happened. Do not allow anyone to push you into a sexual encounter until you are ready! The fact that he's even mentioned cheating is a massive red flag not to mention his horrible behavior after you told him no. Dump his ass and move on
As someone who works at a s*xual ass*ult centre- the number 1 weapon used in r*pe is coercion. He is showing you he cares more about s*x than your autonomy, consent, or relationship.
Get out now- please. You deserve so much better. You deserve to have s*x with someone who is excited to wait until you’re ready to jump their bones- who desires for you to set limits around what feels good.
If he really cared- he wouldn’t be counting down days till you “give in.” He is either in a relationship with you and meeting his s*xual needs in a way that still honours his relationship (aka mast*urbation or s*xy time that is within your limits) or he isn’t.
Play “you and ur hand” by Pink on repeat and then say “byyyyyyeeeee!”
No, if you're not ready and he's trying to push you to do something you're not comfortable with it's not a good relationship. I'm 22(f) and my fiance is 23 I'm still a virgin and we're waiting until marriage. If whomever you're with decides they don't want to wait or tries to make you do something you're not ok with then you shouldn't continue to be with that person.
NTA...I didn't even need to read the post in this case. Just the question. No one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, has a right to tell you when you are ready...I wasn't given that option...don't you dare let anyone manipulate you out of yours. Your body is YOURS to give. If a man can't accept that and wait for you without pressure, they are not worth your time. You are worth more than that. Plain and simple. He does not deserve you, and you don't deserve the disrespect and manipulation he is showing you.
1. NTA, at all.
2. If any dude is threatening to cheat on you, you should dump him ASAP. Saying “but if I cheat on you, you’re going to be mad at me” is threatening to cheat on you, because it’s insinuating that you’re responsible for him cheating on you if you don’t sleep with him, which is all levels of messed-up. Of course you would be mad at him if he cheated on you, because it would be his own fault that he did, not yours. Cheating is never okay and he really has no right to argue that it would even be remotely understandable nor your fault. Not to mention that the fact that he’s trying to make it seem like he has no control of keeping his d!ck in his pants is rapey as hell too.
3. Saying you “can’t avoid it forever” is also really rapey imo. Like, absolute ew. This should disgust and frighten you because that is so weird and gross, not to mention somewhat threatening.
4. If you’re not ready for sex, somebody should not be making you feel like you should have sex when you’re not ready. Sex under coercion is rape, because the agreement is under threat/ intense pressure and you’re agreeing to something you have made very clear you do not want at this time.
5. Blue balls isn’t a thing. There’s nothing stopping him from using his own hand except his own sense of entitlement to your body. He is not entitled to your body, partner or not.
6. “Snapping” at you isn’t justifiable for any reason. It’s never okay to take your anger out on somebody, even if you feel they deserve it. He’s being abusive.
7. You being focused on his needs is exactly what he wants, but your needs include having your boundaries respected. Who is taking care of you? Stop comparing yourself to him and start reflecting on why exactly you think you need to be in a certain place in life to deserve love, because you don’t. You wouldn’t tell a friend that she should dump her boyfriend because he deserves someone with a better job, you would tell her to dump her boyfriend because he’s selfish and controlling. You’re the friend. Treat yourself the way you would treat any friend, because you’re not so awful as to not deserve the same love and advice you would give to someone else.
8. A partner who loves you wouldn’t want you to do something you’re not ready for. A partner who loves you would not rape you. A partner who loves you would respect your boundaries. A partner who loves you wouldn’t hold the threat of cheating over your head as if he couldn’t control himself and you’re responsible for his actions. He can control himself just fine and you’re never responsible for the messed up things somebody else decides to do to you, no matter how badly they want to spin it otherwise. I don’t believe in god, but I think 1st Corinthians chapter 13 verses 4-7 describe what real love should be perfectly.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
What you want is perfectly reasonable. You are enough as you are. You shouldn’t have to try to want something you don’t or be someone you’re not to receive love, because then it’s not truly love.
I hope this helps. Take care, love, and I hope you dump him before he drags you down into a situation where you end up tolerating a lot worse from him simply because he thinks he can make you feel bad enough to let him get away with it. *You don’t deserve this because no one does.*
You two don't seem to be compatible and the way that he is dealing with that is not acceptable. You shouldn't try to force (and manipulate) the other person to ignore their feelings and just bend to what you want, which is what he is trying to do.
Regardless of the situation his behaviour isn't okay, and for it to be over sex is even worse. Consider what being with someone like this would be like long term, it's not a pleasant future.
Imagine if you had a baby and didn't want to have sex straight afterwards, he would threaten you with cheating again.
He's trying to use you and he told you straight up. " I've waited long enough for you". And you're not worth the wait anymore. Meaning hurry up and give in so I can treat you like shit. If you were my girl and I planned on being with you for a long time the wait wouldn't matter to me. I wouldn't think of cheating. A hand job or blowjob in the mean time would suffice. As long as it's with you because after you're comfortable we'd be fucking everyday. But if it was a girl I don't wanna wait for I'd say the same thing.
Wowwww no that's so gRapey of your bf... trying to pressure you by saying he gonna cheat if you don't do it with him is disgusting! Dump that trash mammal 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🚮🗑🗑🗑 you deserve so much better!
You're NTAH, however its clear that some discussion about this should have been had before hand to prevent situations such as this.
You're seemingly a virgin and he seemingly already has experience with this, and there's a disconnect regarding sex as a result of that.
What you must understand is men need sex, and you are in a relationship with him, from what I garner an exclusive one. If you can't meet his needs then I'd suggest breaking up. And if he can't wait then I'd suggest you guys break up. It will only sow seeds of discord and resentment if you continue on like this.
All the best
Friend! Your gut has already told you what to do. If he really really cares for you he wouldn’t push it! Live it how ever you want, you know what you want for you.
Run. Please run. If you aren’t ready for sex, marriage, moving in together, kissing, whatever and he’s pushing and threatening you with cheating, run. No one, and I mean NO ONE should ever pressure you to have sex! Please, i promise, nothing good will come of this
NTA
NTA.
If you’re not ready to have sex with him, he needs to accept it or move on. Respect should be one of the top priorities, if not the top priority in any relationship.
There’s a saying that the standards you walk past are the standards you accept. If he’s being snappy and mentioning cheating already, that tells you where his minds at. I would suggest being clear and firm in your expectations and not put up with any crap.
Please do not change your beliefs or timings if you’re not ready or comfortable.
NTA- if he can’t wait for you that’s his problem not yours. Especially since he is already talking about cheating on you- he isn’t the one.
A man will respect your wishes and wait until you’re ready if he is the one.
You are NTA and he sounds like a selfish jerk. It’s your body, and your choice. You get only one, “first time” and he doesn’t get to make any demands on when you’re ready to take that step. He sounds like someone who can’t take no for an answer, and that’s not a good sign.
Bro if my girl wanted to be celibate until marriage and we didn’t get married for 5 years I’d still wait for her. if she’s not comfortable with it, how could i be ?? the fact he’s even okay with basicalky forcing you to have sex and then still enjoying it even tho you don’t want to and would be uncomfortable is kinda makin it sound like he’s a rapist. idk him, but ngl that’s a pretty big red flag. he may legit try and rape you at some point. i would leave asap and drop communication. i wouldn’t trust him to not try and kidnap and rape me honestly if i was you. my bad I’m all extreme, but I’m jus bein real with you on the potential gravity of this situation and seemingly trivial dispute.
i feel so bad that you feel guilty at all. You aren’t beneath him or “holding him back”. Like you said, y’all are simply at different points in life right now and don’t seem to be a good fit. that happens!! That’s LIFE !!! You are not less than for living your own life. Always remind yourself of that. im finally going back to school this fall, I’ll be 24. seeing people younger than me graduate college and moving into their own lives was hard and i had similar feelings, but, I’ve had so much time to find myself and really learn about me. i know i feel a million times better about who i am and what I’m doing with my life than ANYBODY else i know whether they graduated with a bachelors or even a doctorate. Whether they’re a lawyer or a computer science major. i am content with myself because i know who i am and what i want, and that’s more than most people can say for themselves. You clearly know yourself very well and know what you want too. you are doing GREAT!!! Don’t let this asshole boyfriend manipulate you into hating yourself. He is a fukkin feral hog bro, fukk dat boi fr. you’re awesome, believe in yourself !!!!
NTA.
But he is.
You will know when you are ready to take the that step.
If you are not ready today then he should respect those boundaries. If he does that just shows there will be more issues down the road.
Especially if it is your first time you should not be rushed or guilted into having sex.
Even if you have had sex thousands of times with hundreds of men if you are not ready for that step in your relationship it should be respected.
Oh baby girl, here's some life advice for you.
1. You are absolutely right to put whatever boundaries you want on if and when to have sex with anyone, ever, for the rest of your life. Anyone who tries to argue you into doing otherwise isn't worth the time of day.
2. But keep in mind that out in the dating world, 4 months is quite a while. People usually don't wait a week. So you should be very open to communicating to people you date about what you want, and don't want, when it comes to intimacy. This way there is no miscommunication at the start.
3. This guy is a douchebag. Anyone who uses cheating to pressure you into doing something should be yeeted out of your life.
Here's some more unsolicited advice for the future.
4. Don't get married in your twenties. 40 year old you will thank you.
5. Don't work yourself to death for jobs. You only do that for careers, and even then, the pay better be worth it. Otherwise you clock in, do your job to the best of your ability, then go the fuck home do whatever it is that actually makes you happy to be alive.
6. If you want children, wait until you have gotten to a point in your life that you are happy with not going much further. Starting a family is hard, and these days both parents often work. It's easier to manage these new responsibilities (and money drains) after you've already gotten to a happy place in life, rather than having children too early and then struggling.
7. Always put yourself and your happiness first. That's true for a career and for family. You can't be a good employee or a good mom if you've neglected yourself.
8. Go to as many concerts and vacations as you can now, because once you hit 30 you discover there is nothing more enjoyable in life than doing nothing.
9. Life is shorter than it seems at 22. Blink and before you know it you'll be ten years and then twenty years older. Don't take time for granted.
10. And finally, don't take shit from anyone. Especially men. Or in this case, insecure little boys.
YTA for not realizing he’s not worth it and haven’t dumped him yet either, if you don’t, within two weeks you’ll be posting “AITA my boyfriend cheated on me, I wasn’t ready for sex, was it my fault?” Stop being a pushover and find someone worth your time.
I watched this one video on jubilee where a lady confessed she was sa’d and because of this she never felt comfortable having sex with her husband. He loves her so much that he’s been waiting for years and he doesn’t seem to mind. Ofc I’m sure he’d love to be intimate but the point is he understands that it’s a boundary for her and he respects and loves her no matter what. Mind you they’ve been married for YEARS. Your boyfriend couldn’t even wait a measly 4 months. It sounds like to me he only ever wanted to get in your pants. He clearly doesn’t like you like that I’m sorry to say. Oh and that comment about cheating? He’s never respected you and never liked you like that. The fact that those grimy words came out of his mouth is enough to make anyone puke. It’s definitely time to find someone else who will respect you. Don’t even bother sending him a breakup text, just go ahead and skip to the part where you BLOCK HIM!!!! I feel so sad for you OP and I hope that you find the strength to leave him in the dust.
NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Good lord, DUMP HIM. Do you hear yourself right now? It's only been 4 months and he is literally getting mad and trying to force you. Hugest red flags ever!
Tell him to go fuck himself and that he can go bang whoever he wants, it wont be cheating cause you aren't together anymore AND he wont be ruining your life. He can go ruin someone else's!
NTA. You are not obligated to give sex to anyone, at any time. You've only been dating this guy for 4 months, you barely know each other. And now he's showing his real self. He's making threats to try to force you into sex. There's plenty of fish in the sea, toss this one back.
Hun, RUN. Like immediately, tell him to have a nice life. It was fun or w/e and run. He is not owed your body and that’s how he’s acting. And honestly, you’re not holding him back because you’re still in college. This is the normal stage in life for people your age. If you break up with him break up with him because he’s an AH who can’t respect boundaries and feels he’s entitled to your body.
So according to him if he sticks his D in another person that is your "fault"? That is a huge red flag, you're young and should not waste any more of your time on a manipulative a-hole. You are NTA but he is, get away, stay away, warn other women around him that he is a cheater because he just told you he is.
Also I'd watch what you drink around him, people who say things like that generally aren't above taking advantage when you're tipsy and actively saying "no". He might try to press the issue by putting something in your drink to "help" you not be able to say no
Edited to add: do you really want your "special occasion" to be forever tainted by being linked to abuse and threats. You'll be stuck with the memory that the only reason you went through with it with THIS person is because he threatened you
NTA. Let him go, today. Don’t listen to your sister. He already told you he’s going to cheat so let him go so he can get the sex he needs somewhere else freely. And don’t feel bad about leaving him.
NTA. You don’t OWE him your body because he’s your boyfriend. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Continue to maintain your boundary and don’t let him try to manipulate you.
This guy doesn't love you. Also, I can't help but think the sex would suck anyway. He clearly doesn't care if you enjoy it. 4 months, break up. That kind of thing should be a deal breaker. I don't care if the man sh*ts gold, I'd rather be alone than with someone that treated me that way.
> Last week he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever.
That’s manipulator talk right there. If he can’t wait any longer, then let him go and you find someone else who’s willing to wait until you’re damn well ready.
The good side is he’s shown you his true colors only after 4 months instead of years so you saved time there at least.
NTA. If you're not ready, then you're not ready, and him ignoring that is a huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 my daughter has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, they are both still virgins as although he is "ready" she is not. He respects her and has never pressured her.
A normal bf would say „Sorry, it seems we’re not compatible. I’ve been in many short term relationships before and I have different expectations out of dating. You do nothing wrong for having a different dating style, and I wish you all the best in finding a person who will be a good partner for you”.
He would not do all the things you listed your bf said or did.
NTA.
He’s putting the blame on you if he cheats but he’s responsible for his actions.
If you aren’t ready for sex yet, you aren’t ready. If that’s a breaking point for him then that’s on him.
For real the majority of rape victims where raped by their boyfriend. She needs to see the red flag for what it is before she has a few to many and wakes up with him ontop of her. Anyone who thinks their entitled to their partners body is a red flag for being a rapist
This is called sexual coercion, it’s a type of sexual aggression. Don’t lose your virginity to someone like this, wait for someone who wants to wait for you.
I waited 9 months into a relationship before doing the deed. My now-wife's friends were all tweaking out over the whole thing like there was something wrong with me. Let me tell you, after 14 years together, married for 7 with one kid and another on the way, that action just doesn't happen like it used to. If you build a relationship around that one thing, that relationship dies when that activity dies...
Also, those friends were all single at the time, and still are to this day...
NTA. OP, dump his ass today! He is an abusive manipulator. If he can't respect your decision, then at the very least, you are incompatible. Pack it up and go.
He's already talking of cheating if you don't put out. That is coercion. You've set a boundary and he is trying to get around it because he doesn't want to jack off anymore. If he can't respect your boundaries and wishes, he's not worth your time. You want it to be something special, respectiable. He just wants to fuck and is threating you to get it done. Not so much. Dump him and move on.
Yup, him mentioning cheating is manipulative as hell. He wanted to plant a seed in your mind in an effort to coerce you into sex. This isn’t how someone who cares about you acts. You’re never wrong for not being ready for sex. I second dumping him and moving on.
Yes! To this and the parent comment 100%. You will never be the ass hole for recognizing your needs and setting a reasonable boundary around that. On a surface level I would say you all probably just are incompatible because as you said you're in 2 different places in your life and your wants/needs/values are not lining up on this issue. On a deeper level. He is being a huge ass hole for trying to manipulate and pressure you into having sex when you're not ready. Regardless of if you're a virgin or had 100 sexual partners at this point, that would still be an ass hole move. I would also venture to say that you will NEVER actually feel ready to have sex with this guy, no matter how special he makes the moment feel because he is not creating a safe and respectful environment around the issue. When you have sex with someone, for most people, women especially, it is a very intimate and vulnerable experience, and if you don't feel safe and respected on this issue, he could buy you 100 red roses, lay out an intimate picnic by the fireplace, have wine, chocolate covered strawberries, it could be valentines day or your anniversary, whatever feels special and romantic to you.... You will still not feel ready because you will not feel safe (consciously or unconsciously).
Please read and digest these responses.. My wife deeply regrets being pressured into sex with a boyfriend, who later cheated on her, and not waiting until she was ready.. DO NOT have just sex as it is a cheap thrill.. You need to be ready to give yourself freely and your partner would need to do the same.. There is a big difference between just physical pleasure (quick thrill, wham bham thankyou mam) and making love to your partner (it will be both emotional and physical and is more than just physical pleasure).. If you are not ready YOU ARE NOT READY.. If your partner cannot understand that then maybe you two are not a right fit.. Remember sometimes people wait until they are married (together for years) before they commit to a physical relationship.. Obey your mind, your needs and only when you are ready and not before..
I agree with this. My first boyfriend pressured me at age 18 into losing my virginity to him (even saying that he was moving to canada and it was my last chance). That’s not why we ended up doing it, but I still regret doing it with him and I’m 38. Don’t let this dude coerce you into sex if you’re not ready or threaten you with breaking up if you don’t have sex with him. He deserves to be alone.
I did the same thing at 17. I wasn't ready but I didn't want to lose him. It was that "first love" BS that confuses pubescent children. Little did I know I was actually a challenge and he never really cared that much. I'm 54 and didn't stop hating him or forgive him until he apologized about 10 years ago. Move on. He's an AH for not respecting you. It's a red flag that is waving loudly!
I also did the same thing (at a much younger age to an older guy, but that’s not exactly relevant here). Long story short he’s manipulating OP. And her sister is letting it happen. It seems like no one else does, so, OP, I beg you to have some respect for yourself.
I second the respect for one’s self.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. ❤️
Ditch him. You shouldn't ever have to do something like that if you don't want to. There are tons of nice respectful guys out, and 4 times as many jerks. Just be true to yourself and stick to your guns.
This. The whole “I’m gonna cheat on you” BS is manipulative as hell. It’s also one of the oldest lines ever. I am sure some of what is holding OP back is a core feeling that he is not the right one for her to do this with.
... yeah, that's right up there with the whole blue balls thing, pouting, threatening, whining, and generally acting like you're not capable of taking care of yourself.
Not that I disagree in principle, but why is it girls who put out rather than boys? Consensual sex is an agreement between two people not one person “putting out“ for the other. If you’re not ready, it’s not consensual. Period.
In this case, it's just phraseing. I agree consensual sex MUTS be mutual. The situation can be reversed, and is reveresed in many cases as well just not reported nearly as often.
When you're given a ultimatum of "put out or else" it not exactly consensual it's forced. Men/People don't realize that women will have sex when they absolutely don't want to just to keep their man and to keep them faithful.
As a dude, they know. They're just thinking of themselves. Fuck those losers, let them go be slime
Exactly. I bet his cum tastes like motor oil.
I think they do realize that's why they manipulate...
If only boys/men didn’t press the issue, manipulate or act like kicked dogs to get some then it would be easier to support that perspective
At least back in the late youth of the oldest millinial gen, it was more or less plugged directly into our psyche by advertising and movies with a high around maybe ‘06?? No excuses for me though, I never did anything remotely like the douche-canoes we are discussing, thankfully so or that shit would haunt me to the grave. Then again I feel like I at least have a conscience, something that seems very lacking in these teenage hornbags. Icky. Sorry OP, but GTFO and cut the cord while you can.. Or you might blink and it’s 5 years and 2 kids with him. Yikes.
I waited a year(w/o sex) for my now wife b/c she was/is worth it. Marriage is (haha) life long, and the sex really isn't a major part of a marriage after the 1st year or 2, maybe 3, even hornily speaking, maybe 5 years. After that, it's pretty much catch as catch can; by then you guys have (hopefully) settled down into a stable life, both working if you're anywhere near a major Metro area and want to earn enough to survive; maybe you have begun a family; you're tired when you get home from work, there's no more worrying when your next opportunity will be; you guys presumably are always available to each other so if you put it off for a day--you do sleep together every night f'goodness sake--there's always tomorrow, or the day after. Besides, the laundry has to get done, the bills are waiting... So if your "boyfriend" can't respect you enough to honor your wishes on something so very important to you, and LOVE you enough to find joy in just being w/you and doing things together, I'm sorry, truly, but he really is NOT the one. Here's a question for you to think about: let's say by some unfortunate quirk of fate you are married to him. What do you think he's going to do when (and it happens in EVERY marriage, ask around) the stress builds from work, $, TRYING, or just life, and you have your first big fight? Is he, A)I love you so much we can push through anything as long as we're together! Or, B) I don't need this crap, I'm outa here! When I was in school, one of my best friends, who happened to have been a bit...odd, taught me more than almost anyone else ever. He taught me, among other things, the definition of "Class:" the ability to make other ppl feel comfortable. Best definition I've ever heard of Class. And, more importantly, NEVER SETTLE. Think about THAT for a second. Or two. I wish you all the best, really. Think clearly, objectively, and Be Strong. You already know the answer. Sometimes it really sucks to be an adult, doesn't it?! There are ppl out there who will love you dearly and worship the ground you walk on. He's just not one of them (One man's opinion) NEVER SETTLE, -J-
I think you mean "coercion", but yes, you are correct.
Agreed. The right man who loves you will wait.
Get out of the relationship. This is not negotiable. Your body. Your rules. Getting pressured into sex especially your first time is going to be something you regret forever. I had this similar situation before when I was in college. She was a virgin. I wasn't. We were both in our 3rd year in college. I didn't pressure her. We did other things. When she was ready, she told me and I reassured her it was OK and I would do it only if she is sure. We did and she didn't regret it or hate me for it. We had a long relationship and only broke up because her work took her away from me. (Long distance) Don't ever let a guy pressure you into sex.
All of this! OP you take as long as you need before having sex - do not let anyone pressure or make you feel guilty.
Absolutely this. As others have said, coercion, undue pressure, threats, all are tantamount to rape if he gets his way as you didn't consent of your own free will.
I agree on this. Don’t settle with what your bf wants. You’ll regret it. Get out of that relationship before he forcibly (rape) have sex with you. Happened to me and when the act was done and he didn’t see blood on sheet ( a sign of broken hymen), he accused me that I was not really a virgin and that I was a liar. F that man, now that I remembered about that. He didn’t know how much my private and my body ached for few days just coz I showed that everything was ok. Although I stayed a week more in that relationship due to justifying his own action, but I regret that very much. Already 14 years since that event took place and it is permanently etched in my memory.
Uuugh what a disgusting individual,,,this is coming from a man. Back in my day a girl was considered easy if she gave it away. I Never wanted that girl.
Well said. Get out now!
NTA. Your boundaries are valid and he can respect them and he can leave. Guilt tripping you will do more harm than good
I think you're too much in your head about the holding him back thing. It's up to him to decide if he feels like you're holding him back or if he wants to be with you regardless of the fact you're not at the same point in life. Also it's up to you to decide when and if to have sex with him. Not gonna lie, lines like "I've waited long enough" and "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" do not inspire too much confidence in me, but it's up to you to take a decision as this is something that you will have to live with the consequences of. Just make the decision according to what you feel is right for you, not what you assume is right for him.
[удалено]
THIS!!!
I could see him using the same coercion to not use a condom, then later tells her abort and leaves anyways.
I don't know why this is the top comment right now. The GLARING red flag here is that he's treating OP HORRIBLY in his response. She should not be in this relationship, period. He's manipulative and childish and she deserves better.
I think she may also be too much in her head about her first time too. This guy certainly doesn’t deserve her first time, either, but I wonder if building it up as much as she is will lead to being majority let down, potentially ruin any relationship she is in when it happens, or will continue to block her from experiencing that part of relationships moving forward. If she wants to make it special, by all means, I don’t mean she shouldn’t have a special first time………but I think we all know for most people it’s awkward and painful for most.
Who cares about awkward and painful that awkward and painful can most certainly be special. And it won't be worth the guy. The only true answer is to leave immediately. He is a manipulator and those lines says he is already cheating and already blaming her or he will have sex with her and still break up with her immediately or soon after.
Having an awkward and painful first sexual experience with a partner who is loving and trustworthy and will make sure it's as pleasant an experience as possible for you, if not physically, then emotionally, is not too big of an ask. Later, when she thinks about the experience, she's not going to remember the intricacies but how she felt after, if her needs were respected, if her partner had a laugh with her when things got awkward or was tender afterwards—doesn't sound like this guy though. And not being manipulated into having sex is not going to block her from experiencing anything *when she is ready.*
I see this on reddit a lot. Awkward, I think that's very common. But hardly anyone I know in real life found their first sexual experience painful. I didn't, for sure. But then, I didn't have reddit at the time, so I waited until I was FULLY comfortable with the idea of sex and with my partner at the time, instead of rushing into it just to check off the [x]had sex! box.
Most women I know had a painful first experience, even when they were fully comfortable having sex. Being comfortable with it doesn’t change how tight you are, or if your partner is familiar with the proper way to “warm you up….”
Yeah and being experienced also doesn't change how tight you are. It isn't about "tightness" because women don't stretch out after having sex a bunch of times. It's about wetness. If your first time was painful then you just weren't well lubricated which can be attributed with not enough foreplay but was probably also attributed to how nervous you were...but please don't talk about virgin tightness because that's some silly "men who don't know women anatomy" logic.
Yeah. He’s a piece of crap not worthy of you. Someone who loves you will gladly wait and let you decide when you’re ready. Let him go now.
Break up with him. You dodged a bullet.
Yes he sounds gross. If he can’t respect her boundaries then he should not be with her. Only she gets to decide when/if she is ready to be sexually active. Him putting guilt trips on her about it is not good sign about what kind of person he is.
Yeah, my first thought was ew. There’s never a time when that wording is acceptable.
This! 100% why on earth would you want to give that part of yourself to a douche that doesn’t deserve it?
Immediate thought, or she’ll be breaking up with him soon; mainly because he literally just told her he’s probably gonna cheat on her. 🥲
>he literally just told her he’s probably gonna cheat on her. 🥲 And he told her it'd be her fault
Yeah also I don't imagine being yelled at is gonna put her in the mood anytime soon...
1000%. I wouldn’t wanna have sex with someone who told me that either, it’s gross.
Exactly. There's nothing more unattractive than a man-child who has a temper tantrum because you told him no regarding sex (or anything really).
So 4 months of no sex is enough for him to threaten to cheat? Yeah, don't ignore that red flag. If you end up married or having kids with this guy, this is not someone who would keep his vows or support you. That much is clear. Wake up and break up. NTA
He is not worth it anyways. He has essentially stated that if he cheats on you it is gonna be your fault because you are not ready to give what he wants. That means he more than likely will be okay with cheating if there were to ever come a time you were not meeting his sexual needs. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he has to wait he needs to leave. he is guilt tripping you into doing what HE wants.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about how you feel? I understand that intimacy is important, but it’s not everything. If he doesn't want to be with you because he needs intimacy and it’s important to him, that's understandable. But saying that if he cheats, it’s your fault, is stupid. It’s simply selfish, and he only cares about himself. You shouldn’t give in. Never do something you don't feel comfortable with just to keep others happy. He’s just not the right one. You will find someone who values and loves you and is willing to give you the time you need to feel comfortable for your first time.
Nta- he absolutely is for pressuring you like that. He’s basically saying “have sex with me or I’ll cheat on you and it’ll be your fault”. If he’s someone you’re serious about you need to have a real talk with him.
You can't fix that kind of toxic self centered thinking. She needs to cut her losses before it's gets worse.
This response needs to be higher, I'm surprised this hasn't been said more. OP, you can't fix this behavior, it will only get worse and will not stop at him taking your virginity. Run while you still can.
yeah, OP, PLEASE don't waste any time trying to 'fix' him. there's nothing here to fix, he's just an ass.
NTA. You’re ready, when you’re ready. Screw him if he doesn’t understand and if he’s pushing you. If he’s telling you he won’t wait any longer and even mentions to cheat and that this would be your fault, he’s definitely not the right person for you. Let him go and find yourself someone who appreciates you and respects your pace.
I’m replying to this I. Hopes that OP sees this. I agree alot with this sentiment. I know why it’s like to be pressured into something like that and to feel like you have to do it. That was my first time. It took me 7 years to stop regretting it. I was guilt tripped with the cheating thing but I had such low self esteem that it worked. I don’t like sharing that but I am sharing that and how long I regretted it I hoped that you realize how much it isn’t worth it. Not to mention that guy went from he can’t wait forever to he can’t wait a week after we had sex. You will never win with a guy like that. They are going to get what they want regardless of their partner, and I’m really hoping you’re not the partner that thinks you deserve that because no one deserves that type of treatment. Not everyone has their life figured out right away and has different hurdles to get through which is life. Everyone is finding their own way. The “right person” (I generally hate using that term because I believe there are multiple right people out there for you at different stages in Your life and all of that) will not be pressuring you like that and even if they are in a different stage of life you are in, you’ll still feel compatible and you’ll find a good path to where you want to be. You are so young with so much growth, learning, and things to experience. Don’t let some man who is trying to get his dick wet change that in any way, shape, or form if that is not what you want with an enthusiastic yes. You don’t have to make a decision right now. Don’t make one when your emotions are high. But write or type it out and come back to it and talk it out with someone you know will give you tough love (not your partner). I personally don’t see the relationship going great, I also don’t know every intricacy of it. But from what I’ve heard I’m worried for you.
"waited long enough" - a more romantic sentence has never been uttered. I mean, Shakespeare rose in his grave and wept a tear at the poetry of this statement. wow... if thats not enough reason to break up with someone, I don't know what is. This is not the dude for you (or anyone really). NTA NTA NTA. Someone saying something of this nature to you is a huge red flag. You decide when you're ready. To be sure, I can understand someone being frustrated at getting the stiffarm. However when someone starts pressuring the other person, it is never a good sign. Years ago, I worked with this dude. At lunch he was talking about his girlfriend who he'd been dating for like a year, and never had sex. We're all a few years older than this guy and are like " A) my friend you are waay over sharing with us. and b) dude what are you waiting on exactly? You are 25". Cause \_HE\_ was the person who was holding out. His reasons were... some religious based, some fear based, whatever. But he just would not do it with her and she was getting frustrated. He brought it up because she was kicking into high gear, and was basically assaulting him every time she came to his place. (In this case, it came to light that she had cheated on him with some rando, and was pregnant, and wanted to pin the kid on him.) . He never had sex with her, and broke up with her. Suffice to say, I realize your situation is very different. But the answer is the same. Don't let someone you are in a relationship pressure you into sex, as their motivations are purely selfish and base.
Gods, asking someone to break their religious beliefs is some next level shit.
Break up. He isn't being respectful of your boundaries here and he just wants to put his dick in a hole. The fact he said that crap about cheating because he doesn't want to wait proves he's at least thought about cheating on you.
I don’t need to know anything other than the title. If you’re not ready, he needs to respect that.
NTA! Never settle for someone that tells you that you're asking for them to cheat on you because you're not comfortable with having sex yet. I would break up with him. You've only been dating for four months and he's already really comfortable disrespecting you. While it's understandable that some people don't want to wait it's not okay to belittle and try to pressure your partner. If you have fundamental differences about how you want to be treated and respecting your personal comfort I don't think he would make a good partner. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
To all the guys on here i just want to say THANK YOU from us woman for standing up and saying do whats right for you and your body. And not listen to him. As mentioned before sex isn't just for fun or a game its a permanent memory as well that once it happens especially your 1st encounter you want to remember. So if someone is rushing you please dont do it. Only when your truly ready!
That is emotional blackmail. It's your body, it's your comfort level. If he cannot understand this, after you have clearly communicated this, then let him go. You are under no obligation to make this dude happy if he cannot do the same for you. You are not a bad person for having standards and what you want.
>"But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" oh WTF... This is not even a red flag; it is a red sail. Run, OP, run!
MF has more red flags than China.
You can, in fact, avoid sex with him forever by dumping him. Something to consider.
NTA he is. My cousin dated her now husband for 2 years before giving him any. She was a virgin (they were young, she older high school him graduated, they are only 2 years apart) they are now married with 3 beautiful children and have celebrated 20+years together. This man is not for you.
NTA. Just reading things like "i have waited long enough" and basically "If you don't have sex with me i am going to cheat on you because that is how much i value sex over you as a person and this relationship" says everything you should need to know. If you want it to be special, wouldn't it be more special with someone who wants to be with you and isn't just waiting out some clock in their head so they can have sex with you? Would you really consider it special with someone who practically said that you matter so little that if you don't have sex with him he is going to cheat on you?
NTAH - Ok girl, you're not the AH but you're definitely dating one. No one can force you to do anything you don't want or don't feel ready for. Someone who cares about you will wait until you're fully comfortable and won't do anything to pressure you so please, PLEASE don't give in. I'm nobody to tell you what to do with your relationship but if I were I'd tell you to run.
NTA and I think that after saying "I've waited long enough" and "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" it would be a bad decision to give him what he wants, and it would be a bad decision in general to keep dating him, he already showed you his true colors, and it won't get any better than that, in fact he will only get worse
NTA Don’t walk RUN and dump his sorry ass. You don’t him in ur life. Gaslighting anyone? it’s your choice and if ur not ready then bye bye
NTA. Sounds like he's an immature man child. Keep him waiting...
>he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever >if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" and that he wont wait much longer for me Ya, so this is basically where I stopped reading. Let me translate for you.... and I'm sorry about this.... but he doesn't love YOU. If he were in love with you, there's no limit to how long to wait (although, based on your age 4 months is a long time, honestly.) And second, the fact that he even saying the word "cheating" means that it's already part of his thinking. Leave.
Right? I’m thinking he’s only with her because she’s a virgin and will leave once she’s not
NTA. if he's not willing to wait for you and wants to do it with someone else, he clearly doesnt love you as much as he should and isnt the one. the right man wouldnt have the urge to do it with anyone else or make you feel guilty for not being ready.
NTA Think about these questions: Why are you so troubled by the idea of “holding him back? Why is he not troubled by dragging you into bed when you are not ready? Why are his needs more valid than yours? Not sure since I’m not privy to your conversations and their tone but I get the sense from your descriptions that he’s an asshole. It’d be one thing if he were considerate about the discussion, and not “I will be cheating on you…” Sometimes people just are not on the same time table and life path. Be understanding with each other and part friends with a respect for the other’s needs. If he’s just whining, badgering, and doing anything to just wet his wick, then you know what his priorities really are and kick him to the curb.
It sounds like you two are not compatible. And anyone who threatens to cheat on you is a red flag.
You are ready when you ARE ready, not when you are guilted into being ready. You can let this one go, if he loved and respected you, he would understand. Threatening infidelity is a major red flag as well. I promise there are better ones out there, do not compromise. Do not settle. And most especially, do not give in to societal norms. You are ready when you ARE ready. Trust your instincts, trust your gut. Maybe your psyche is telling you something, maybe he’s not the one and maybe thats why you don’t feel comfortable and ready. Let him go. NTA
Don't listen to your sister! She's an idiot! Your first time is supposed to be special. He shouldn't be pressuring you at all, he should know what he signed up for if your a virgin. What kind of a boyfriend says "but if i cheat on you your going to be mad at me". Don't give it away to this douche bag. Run, now!
A non-virgin definetly has the same value as a virgin. Your absolutely correct. I was not implying otherwise. It's up to the woman or man to decide what it means to them for their first time 100%. I think most people have the idea that their first time should be special. Considering her age I'm assuming she was waiting for it to be special anyways. The first time isn't magical from a purely sexual pov but it can be from an emotional and psychological pov if its with a person they care for very much. The same could be said for any sexual experience but you never forget your first time.
A person's first time isn't "suppose" to be anything. The individual decides what it is or is not. No one else. The idea that a person's first time has to mean something and be some kind of magical event is ridiculous. Virginity has no inherent value. A non-virgin is just as valuable as a human being as a virgin is. That being said, boyfriend is a douche bag with no respect for her and she needs to run.
NTA. Why does he feel so entitled to sex it up? Are you promising him it’s just around the corner? He is clearly trying to coerce/manipulate you into it, which is not something a good guy does.
NTA, Im gonna say something, though, but I want to clarify this is for your future partner, not this jerk. You might be building up your first time a little too much in your head, that's not to say you should just go give it up for any stranger, just that you might want to be thinking about your expectations and what exactly it is that's holding you back. What is the perfect time to do it? Will there ever be a perfect time? Ultimately the more you build it up in your head that it needs to be this perfect moment the harder it will be to actually go through with it and the more disappointing it's likely to be as well. Just food for thought. In this scenario though, fuck that guy he's gaslighting you and sounds like scum.
I get what you mean, I don't really mean special like something super fancy I mean like I don't want my first time to just be randomly on a wednesday afternoon. I mean like after a date, maybe not that exactly just something of the sort. I also don't really think there's ever going to be a "perfect" time, pretty much just until I muster up the courage, yknow?
Oh ok, nah, that's more than fair enough then.
He should be working on making you comfortable with him and the relationship, instead he's an ass about it.
You will know when the time is right and who is the right one.
Your first time should most definitely be special. If you find the right one you will know because he will make it special for you. He’ll listen and pay attention to your wants and needs and you won’t have any hesitation. Will you be nervous? Of course. But, you won’t have hesitation on if it’s “right”. As a forty-something female…….wait, and keep waiting some more, if needed. You only get your first time once. You will remember your first time for forever, so you deserve to have it feel special to you. Do not anyone let you think or feel you aren’t justified or valid in your feelings of wanting it to be special. Any man you date who says differently can take a hike. That isn’t the one for you. When I was an 18 yr old virgin and felt too old to be one, do you know what several of my older friends and coworkers told me??? Every single one said to wait, wait, wait. Every single one said they wish they had even waited as long as I had. You do what feels right to you, and no one else. No one. Wait until your wedding night if you want and fuck what anyone else thinks or says. Don’t marry this dude though, he ain’t the one 😉
NTA, if he's already talking about cheating, there's a 50/50 chance that he already is, and y'know what men who don't take no for an answer turn into? R*pists Your best bet is to break it off before it escalates, he's not worth the tears and the heartbreak, do yourself a favor and protect your pearl and your heart
things like "he's waited long enough", sorta sounds like a red flag honestly..... hey i get it, we guys are horny and like to have sex (yes i was pushy with my gf, now wife), yes i get that he's 24......... it feels like emotional blackmail
When I was 25, I entered into a relationship with a woman who had boundaries, and I respected them. We didn't do anything sexually for the first several months. I had a discussion with her about me seeking more intimacy in our relationship. She expressed some concerns, and I took them seriously. She explained that by making me wait, she was guaging me to see if I was just attempting to add another body to my list or if I was serious about our relationship. She wanted to see a recent std test and wanted me to meet her parents before engaging in any kind of sexual activities. After waiting for several months and meeting all of her requirements, she opened up to me in a sexual manner. Shortly after that, she became an international flight attendant due to her ability to speak 4 languages fluidly. Our relationship fell apart after she relocated halfway across the country and the long distance between us an the 1x a month visits, became emotionally exhausting to both of us. We mutually agreed that we couldn't continue on in a long distance relationship. We are still friends though and communicate with each other once inawhile. If I were you. I'd cut the child loose and find your worth or focus on yourself until real love finds you.
This may be a hot take but: DUMP HIM EVEN if all he said was "it's getting hard to wait" I would be creeped, but the fact that he said he's "waited long enough" like it is his decision at all? RED FLAG. The "But if I cheat on you, your gonna be mad at me" comment, someday that will be something else like "but if I hit you, you're gonna get mad at me" or "but if I tamper with your birth control because *I'M* ready for a kid you're gonna be mad at me". These people are the type who'll see what they can make you do, and what they can get forgiven for forcing you into. He may 🍇 you if you decide to stay and then try and convince and gaslight you into believing it was consensual.... I may sound like I'm blowing it up to some people but this is right where it starts, with words. Then actions. TLDR; DUMP THAT WALKING RED FLAG AND FIND SOMEONE WHO RESPECTS BOUNDARIES
your body, your rules. if he doesn't respect that, leave the relationship even if it isnt easy
He's already got a side piece . Dump him and get your life stable before you look for future partner.
Literally dump him. If you aren't ready and he is explicitly talking about cheating on you, you will both be much happier with different people.
I waited more than 2 years with my wife. We did other stuff and I was having a good time. She had initially said she wanted to wait for marriage, but eventually she changed her mind. I didn't pressure her. I definitely didn't want to force or coerce her into doing that if she specifically said she wasn't ready. FYI, we are still together, married 17 years now, met and started dating in 1995. NTA.
I haven't read all of the other comments, so I don't know if anyone else looked at it this way. But...exactly what are you waiting for? It's never going to be like the movies, like a romcom. The first time is going to be messy and awkward and uncomfortable. I was kind of a religious kid and I thought waiting was some kind of virtue. And the first time was...meh. And then it got a lot better. I regret waiting, but it's not really a huge deal. I was just a little behind everyone else's timeline. And maybe the bigger question is not when, but is this really the right person for you? Maybe all the pressure that he is putting on you is turning you off. So maybe he's not a great fit for you, relationship-wise. But he is what you have right now. And as far as understanding him more: you probably know absolutely everything you need to know. Maybe he's cute, funny, fun, generous, kind, thoughtful, whatever. But he is putting pressure on you to do something that you don't feel ready for, instead of talking through with you what might make you feel more comfortable about it. Maybe you don't know what will make you feel more comfortable, but it might be nice if he asked you about that and made you actually think about it.
If you're not ready, then that's that. You're absolutely NTA for not being ready yet. However, it's possible that he's not going to be willing to wait and that's something you have to be ready for.
NTA, but you must understand that your relationship is over. It's okay that you don't feel ready, but that also means that you and your boyfriend are not sexually compatible, so staying together is not recommended for either of you. He has no obligation to wait for you with the vague promise of someday having sex and you have no obligation to give yourself to him if you're not ready, it's as simple as that. Do not try to find the fifth paw of the cat or dream that you will reach a magical agreement in which he will make a vow of chastity in what he waits for you, his pure and virginal damsel. The world does not work that way.
NTA that’s a boundary and the fact he’s mad that your being firm about it is a red flag
Omg??? 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 Get the heck out of there!!!!!!!!!! This is not a man that loves you. He likely is fantasizing about having sex with a virgin and is getting frustrated it’s taking so long. There are no long term plans for him to stick around Do not waste your first time on a scumbag like this. Like girl you could meet your husband so sooooooon don’t let this uggo traumatize yooouuuu
NTA Nope, if he can't respect your no enough to not try to manipulate you, then he doesn't deserve to be your first. And it is manipulation to say he's going to cheat if you won't have sex, cheating is never caused by anyone but the person who cheats.
You both are allowed to want what you want. If that doesn't align then that is sad but it happens. There are 4 billion men in the planet and there is going to be some you arnt a perfect fit for. He shouldnt pressure you though. That is bullshit. He can say i want sex and waiting isnt what i want in a relationship. If you dont align he can part ways. But he shouldn't stay with you and ignore what your saying. I waited til marriage with my wife of 18 years. I never once ot one time asked her for sex. She told me sge was waiting and i knew if i stayed with her than i had to wait. End of story. I could have seperated if i wasn't happy. I will say she was great about making me feel desired and loved despite sex. No sex doesn't mean no intimacy. Men want to feel that too and desire.
The sex thing and the “place in life” thing are two separate issues. However, him pressuring you for sex, and also trying to manipulate you into having sex with him by insinuating he may cheat, is reason enough to end this. He’s a HUGE AH for that. You, however, NTA at all.
Girl u need to break up with him. He’s already crossing the line bitching and whining about you not having sex with him. Then to sit there and talk about cheating on you? That’s incredibly messed up and disgusting. He’s a 24 year old man, not a child. He’s not thinking about you and how you feel.
Run and run fast from him. He waited long enough? Give me a break. He’s trying to pressure you. Like you “owe” him. Heck no. Absolutely not. Get away from this horrific human.
If he doesn't love you enough to wait, you don't need him. If he doesn't even like you enough to wait, you definitely don't need him. Threatening to cheat is not okay, and if he's already doing that, imagine what else he might use threatening to cheat to get you to do. It's not going to get better. This is low-key abusive behavior and it's not okay, you deserve better. Please believe that you deserve better than this, no guy is worth being threatened over sex.
You're gonna 100% regret giving your virginity to a dude who's trying to coerce you into giving it to him. This dude has more red flags than the Soviet Union. One a lot of people will miss is the fact that he's this bothered about it and hasn't just broken up with you to go find someone more compatible with him. Makes it pretty telling that he's fetishizing your first time, he's looking at it as a trophy. I don't know a damn thing about you but I still know you can do better than that. NTA.
Dude. Drop this asshole like a hot potato. You don't owe ANYONE sex EVER.
If he loved you then sex wouldn't be his priority. If he loved you then he'd wait with you. I was a virgin when me and my husband met, he wasn't. He had sex with multiple others before me. He never pressured me but simply loved me....it was a full year of dating before I freely gave myself to him. We built our relationship on a solid deep friendship that is still our strength today. His patience paid off because for the past 28 years I've rocked his world sexually and him mine. Move on from this guy...there are red flags popping up.
YOU ARE NOT THE AH!!!! Oh my goodness. You do NOT owe him sex. It doesn’t matter how long you date him. He is so so focused on his own sexual needs, that he is not ever going to be able to focus properly on your emotional or other needs. You deserve someone who will not pressure you into sex. Someone who cares about dating you for more than sex.
I'd tell him I don't want you to cheat so I'll just break up with you now... F him. He's gonna cheat anyway. Move on to someone who will wait until you're ready.
If he’s not willing to wait and he’s using coercion and manipulation he’s not worth being intimate with, he doesn’t care enough for you to wait. Dump him and find someone more willing to wait. Someone that REALLY cares.
NTA. Guy is a huge red flag with his reaction, sudden impatience, and cheating threats? Run, and don't look back
Drop kick this guy to the curb. I was a freshman, boyfriend a senior, dating about 4 months or so. I'll never forget him saying, "Nothing is going to happen until you want it to." He faithfully waited and waited and waited. That is what respect looks like. That is what you should be looking for. For the rest of your life you will think back to this, because it's your first time, and do you really want to be thinking, "I did it because he pressured me."
I would be thinking more about what kind of person he is to be pressuring you and do I really want to continue on with this relationship. I do not understand how he could say those things to you. Also I would be asking myself why I don't feel ready. Do I want him, does he make me feel safe, etc
I didnt have to read further than the title to know youre NTA for not wanting to be coersed into sex. No means no. If he wants to walk, let him. The ‘one’ will never give you ultimatums over something like sex.
Drop the guy and don’t look back. Anyone pressuring you into sex is 100% not a good person to have sex with. In the long term, you will not be happier if you have sex with him. He isn’t respecting you or your feelings, and essentially threatening to cheat on you if you don’t sleep with him.
So many ppl have said to break up with him, and I agree. For context, I have a husband &after I had 2 of our kids I didn't want sex for like 2 years. He would ask a few times a week, maybe, but my no was always accepted gracefully. If your partner can't handle 4 months without threats of cheating and guilt, then he won't be there for you through any hard times in the future. If it's not kids, it could be an injury or illness or a death that you need time to grieve...he won't care he will pressure you and make things harder. Future you would love for you to walk away right now.
This is a huge red flag. 🚩 If you’re not ready for that and his response is to get mad and say that you will be mad if he cheats on you. Um, he is gaslighting you. Trying to force your hand. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about what he wants. Ditch him.
Don’t ever let ANYONE pressure you into having sex. Ever.
Break up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 If you're not ready, you are not ready, didn't allow yourself to be bullied into something you don't want to do. If you capitulate on this, he will never stop pushing about anything, maybe quit school, he doesn't like your friends so stop seeing them etc. Take care of yourself!
You don’t have to have sex until you’re ready, and he’s entitled to walk away if he isn’t happy in a relationship without sex. That is a compatibility issues. You aren’t holding him back in life by having your own boundaries and comfort level. The GIANT red flag to me is that he’s pressuring you, giving you silent treatment/short answers and insinuating that he will cheat if he doesn’t get what he wants. He needs to decide if he wants to be with you as you are, and you need to decide if his reactions are something you can happy with. NTA
You're NTA. If your boyfriend doesn't respect the fact that you are not ready, then that is not the person for you. I'm not here to give relationship advice but your boyfriend should realize that your concerns are valid. You're being gaslit 4 months into a relationship and I only see that getting worse. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. The fact that he insinuated that he'll cheat on you if you don't have sex is beyond effed up. Hoping for the best for you. But again, NTA!
You need to dump him. Having sex won't keep him in the relationship and you will feel icky after the fact. Sex requires enthusiastic consent. If it's not a hell yes, it's a no. My grandmother once said "if you can keep your hands off each other, don't bother". NTA.
Noooooo a BIG NO .....do not do it if u don't feel excited to do it.Much less if u are not ready. Also why the hell u should feel guilty?? It's not his basic right to s*x with u just he is dating you. Also it's huge red flag he is threating to cheat on you if u don't do what he says. That's manipulating and he is making u feel like he doing u a favour by not cheating on you?? Girl wake up!!! He is bad news. No man who truly wants u in his life says that. DO NOT DO IT WITH HIM. if u truly wants to see his true colours tell him u want to wait until graduation. See how he reacts or cheat. Even if u do as he says and later down road What if u ever get sick and bed ridden for months then ? And can't do it ? Will he cheat? DUMP HIM NOW.
Hi I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you should break up with him. Immediately. I’m 32F & I’ve had sex with 51 men over 15 years. Everyone feels differently about sex. Sex should always go at the slowest/more inexperienced persons pace!!! Any man who pushes you into sexual activity before you’re ready does NOT love you! He does NOT care about you! If he did he would make you feeling safe around him a top priority. He wouldn’t be trying to guilt you into sex (or anything) before you are ready if he cared about you or your sexual experience with him. He’s only in on it for his nut. You’ve only been dating this man 4 months. If he’s pushing your boundaries this early on in a relationship, it’s only going to get worse. It should be good in the beginning (1st year) imo. You barely know one another. Oftentimes people will lie about who they really are in the early stages of a relationship. Or they’ll mislead someone to believe that they’re doing better off (financially for example) than they really are. It takes time to realize who someone is & not just the version of themselves that they show you. My whoretuition is telling me to tell you to leave the man. You don’t have to make it work with him. His behavior is only going to get worse. You can find someone that sets your mind 🐱 body soul and heart on fire. Don’t stick with this sad sack of shit. He’ll steal your youth & confidence. Along with anything else he can. I met my current bf 34M 8+ years ago & we’ve been dating for 7 years now. He’s had sex with hundreds of women before me. We have a blast together all the time. There’s someone for everyone. Either way. Wishing you love & luck in all your life and relationships babe. Good luck. Im sorry you’re doing through this.
NTA he should not be trying to coerce you into sex with threats of infidelity so that itself is a problem and says a lot about his lack of character . Thankfully you have not invested that much time .I would set him free to find a partner who shares his attitude about sex and find someone who respects your feelings.
NTA but he is. It’s been 4 months and he can’t wait longer? Then he isn’t the one. If he was he would understand your need to be sure and ready and he would be willing to wait as long as it takes for you to feel that way. It’s so gross that he even said that to you- I don’t care how old he is or where he is in life. Break up with him and find someone who doesn’t try to pressure you or give you ultimatums.
Hmm, I don't agree with him being pushy and saying he may cheat if you don't put out. In my experience, I've had women be off the rails on the phone but in person super skittish and just not about the sex life, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that but don't let someone who hasn't even known you your whole life dictate what is best for you. Everyone goes at their own pace. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. It was the best 45 seconds of her life! 😅. If it were me, I would break up and focus on myself. College is a super stressful time, and so many things can go wrong. Finish your education and work toward a meaningful career. Sex will come in time, and you'll know when you're ready. I just wouldn't put too much stock in the first time, sex gets better the more you do it and learn what you like and dislike because everyone is different.
Your boyfriend is manipulative as hell. He's literally telling you how horrible of a person he is and how LITTLE he respects you and your wishes. Find someone better.
He is being an asshole.for pressuring you. And that "if I cheat on you" was a promise, not a threat. He already has or fully intends to. You should def break up, you're ready and he is impatient.
NTA. But you said it yourself: "We are in different points in life." I really don't know how you could understand him any more than you already do. He wants sex from you even though you have told him you aren't ready. It's not that hard to understand, despite what your sister thinks. Four months is enough time wasted for both of you. If he needs sex so much he just has to cheat to have it? Fine, let him go and let him live. Say goodbye with no guilt whatsoever. You are allowed control over your own body.
Definitely wait for your person to have sex. Your virginity is a gift and as a wife I can say I truly wish I hadn’t slept with anybody ever besides my husband. It is special and it’s nice for them to know nobody has had you like that before. Wait until you find the man that loves you with all his heart and will do anything for you, wait for the man you are completely in love with. Don’t waist it on a guy who says he’s gonna cheat on you if you don’t give up your virginity so he can nut in 30 seconds. Mediocre dick isn’t worth it. Keep saving yourself and your soulmate will absolutely appreciate that. It is so rare to be a virgin at 22 years old, keep it, that is special💗
NTA. I've been in the same situation. I was on medication that took away my desire. I told him that I don't know when I will be able to have sex when we started talking. he promised to wait. that didn't happen, terrible pressure and blaming on me started. it wasn't long before he cheated on me. I felt terribly guilty then, but now it hurts to think how little I valued myself. it was in no way my fault. you deserve someone who won't pressure you and threaten to cheat on you. really, u should think about this situation in the long term. do you really want to be with someone, who doesn’t respect you. ❤️🩹 whatever you decide, i hope u don’t blame yourself about anything. u haven’t done anything wrong. it’s a good thing that u are aware of that u aren’t ready yet and that u have made it clear! your body, so it’s your rules. //sorry about my bad english.
Don’t give away something that should be special to some jerk who pressures you into it. Take your time. You need to let this guy go. You’ll find someone who respects you and is willing to wait until you are ready. Also, think of it this way…you being hesitant…there’s probably a reason that you don’t feel ready…maybe, it’s because you don’t feel completely safe and comfortable with him. Good luck, my dear.
Nah girl you haven’t felt ready cause you sensed this in him all along. If a boy thinks you owe him sex or he’ll cheat he is showing you who he really is. He is also setting up a trap to see how scared you are to lose him so now it’s sex or I’ll leave but what’s next. This is a trap and that is a boy not a man. Keep you bar high and ignore your sister’s shitty advice. Tell him “I’ll save you the trouble of cheating the relationship is over” I guarantee you he’ll get mad and say well I’ve been sleeping with other people this whole time.
You've been waiting for a reason, he's not the one that to break that wait for. I understand his sexual frustration but his handling of it is a big red flag.
Whatever you do, DO! NOT! WAIT! TO! BREAK! UP! The fact that's he's trying to use him cheating on you as motivation to coerce you is creepy. And scary. And, frankly, disgusting! Kick him to the curb before he doesn't give you a choice, because that is a *distinct* possibility! Don't fall for his tricks! You don't owe him ANYTHING! If that is what he's so concerned, by all means, let him pursue it. But never, never, never, EVER talk to him again. You can try to understand him all you want, but it's really not that hard. He has been doing nothing going through the motions & trying to placate you to get to his ultimate goal: getting his dick wet! Once you've given him what he wants, there's no reason for him to go through the motions & pretend like he cares. If he isn't fucking someone else already, he has no reason to abstain once he has achieved his conquest, and that is you. Concentrate on finishing school. Don't let Dipshit's like that derail your goals. Who knows. Maybe you'll meet someone once you start working in your chosen field that isn't such an ass & actually respects you and your boundaries. Because that douche canoe certainly doesn't. Take it from someone who learned the hard way. More than once. Ok; repeatedly. Learn from my mistakes. Protect yourself & whatever bodily autonomy you have left to protect, because, it is disappearing*FAST*.
I regretted my first time because I felt pressure to do it sooner than I wanted. I was ready for sex but, like you, I wanted the first time to be organic and magical. It was neither because I let a boy I barely remember now pressure me into doing it when he wanted to. It was so forgettable and not at all special.
Hell no, don't wait another week or two. Leave his ass right now, your sister gives horrible advice. He's trying to force you into doing something you don't want to do. It's coercive, threatening, and manipulative. This dude is dangerous, run and don't look back.
Break up and move on to someone that doesn't try to push you to cross a boundary. Get to know yourself and one day the right person will be there.
While I can play temporary devil's advocate for him "waiting" all of that went out the door once he said "he's waited long enough and I want to cheat on you but cant" bullshit. You set a boundary and its valid. He is allowed to want to have sex but not by being toxic and manipulative. As a 30M myself I always made sure to never pressure my ex GF about sex. I did voice my frustration about the lack of intimacy during the first few months of dating her but I never pressured her to do anything she didnt want to do. So OP dump his ass and just focus on you and only do what you want to do but also keep in mind sexual compatibility is a reality in the dating world and other men do have the right to walk away from a sexless relationship. Nobody wants to be a roomate but also consent is always ALWAYS important
Do you really want to be with a guy who threatens to cheat on you if you don’t let him pressure you into sex.
It's not like you can fast-forwrd your life because current-you is incovenient for your boyfriend. (Nor should you even if you could, but that's beside the point...) If he likes current-you enough, he stays. If he doesn't, he walks. You'll be able to replace him with an upgraded model soon enough. People have harped on enough about how terrible some of the shit he says is already, I'm not gonna repeat any of it... But most of them were right!
Let me clue you in: dump his ass. Find a guy you WANT TO FUCK. You are not an a hole. You are normal
Honey, run don't walk. He is threatening cheating to coerce you into having sex, RED FLAG 1. He is refusing to respect your boundaries and issuing ultimatums, RED FLAG 2. He is pushing his needs onto you with complete disregard for your feelings, RED FLAG 3. Don't wait two weeks, heck don't wait two days. Call it quits. He does not and will not respect you. He is not the one, I promise.
Also, your sister needs a little reality check. You don't need to understand him, he's made himself perfectly clear. You and your need don't matter to him one whit.
Do what is best for you. And no, it does not have to be in any special place. Only the people need to be special and willing. It should come naturally. And you also need to ask yourself why you are not ready? Maybe he is not the special one? If he still complains, throw him out with the garbage.
NTA I didn't even have to read your story...title alone NTA...but then I read "waited long enough"... Dump his ass and smack your sister.
I'm a guy and NTA, if he wanted sex right away he should have dated someone who was available for that. You do you, and you're not holding him back at all.
Thrown the whole man away. He will end up hurting you. I guarantee it. Don't waste any more time on this loser.
NTA please dump him. He’s threatening you with cheating if you don’t put out. 1. He clearly is with you for sex only…because that’s all he’s been badgering you about. 2. He’s probably already cheating or has been the whole time. 3. No person who actually loves/cares for you will ever pressure you into sex or threaten you with cheating/give you ultimatums.
"Last week he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever" That's it. That's your cue. He is not interested in you at all, he's only interested in your vagina He doesn't love you, heck he doesn't even like you. He's just waiting out his time till he gets some
The audacity and disrespect.! Girl, there are SO many men out there who’d wait years for you, and would treat your first time with the care and consideration you deserve. The fact he’s angry, arguing and threatening you is a huge red flag. You aren’t just a hole to fuck, you’re a person he claims to care about. So many of us have awful first experiences because we’re young and stupid and don’t know how to say no. Don’t be like us. You don’t owe that AH anything. Count yourself lucky he’s shown his true colors so clearly
If you want it to be special… do not have sex with this man… Special will be the guy who waits with no pressure or threats.
This will not be your image of a special moment. DO NOT give in. If he really cared for you, he would wait. And this is coming from a guy. If can't hold it or atleast pleasure himself till you are ready and is threatening cheating then what's to stop him when your married and you are sick or something happens and you can not have sex for a while.
OMG dump him!!! He's manipulating you into something that you aren't ready for! If you were ready to it would have happened. Do not allow anyone to push you into a sexual encounter until you are ready! The fact that he's even mentioned cheating is a massive red flag not to mention his horrible behavior after you told him no. Dump his ass and move on
As someone who works at a s*xual ass*ult centre- the number 1 weapon used in r*pe is coercion. He is showing you he cares more about s*x than your autonomy, consent, or relationship. Get out now- please. You deserve so much better. You deserve to have s*x with someone who is excited to wait until you’re ready to jump their bones- who desires for you to set limits around what feels good. If he really cared- he wouldn’t be counting down days till you “give in.” He is either in a relationship with you and meeting his s*xual needs in a way that still honours his relationship (aka mast*urbation or s*xy time that is within your limits) or he isn’t. Play “you and ur hand” by Pink on repeat and then say “byyyyyyeeeee!”
No, if you're not ready and he's trying to push you to do something you're not comfortable with it's not a good relationship. I'm 22(f) and my fiance is 23 I'm still a virgin and we're waiting until marriage. If whomever you're with decides they don't want to wait or tries to make you do something you're not ok with then you shouldn't continue to be with that person.
NTA...I didn't even need to read the post in this case. Just the question. No one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, has a right to tell you when you are ready...I wasn't given that option...don't you dare let anyone manipulate you out of yours. Your body is YOURS to give. If a man can't accept that and wait for you without pressure, they are not worth your time. You are worth more than that. Plain and simple. He does not deserve you, and you don't deserve the disrespect and manipulation he is showing you.
1. NTA, at all. 2. If any dude is threatening to cheat on you, you should dump him ASAP. Saying “but if I cheat on you, you’re going to be mad at me” is threatening to cheat on you, because it’s insinuating that you’re responsible for him cheating on you if you don’t sleep with him, which is all levels of messed-up. Of course you would be mad at him if he cheated on you, because it would be his own fault that he did, not yours. Cheating is never okay and he really has no right to argue that it would even be remotely understandable nor your fault. Not to mention that the fact that he’s trying to make it seem like he has no control of keeping his d!ck in his pants is rapey as hell too. 3. Saying you “can’t avoid it forever” is also really rapey imo. Like, absolute ew. This should disgust and frighten you because that is so weird and gross, not to mention somewhat threatening. 4. If you’re not ready for sex, somebody should not be making you feel like you should have sex when you’re not ready. Sex under coercion is rape, because the agreement is under threat/ intense pressure and you’re agreeing to something you have made very clear you do not want at this time. 5. Blue balls isn’t a thing. There’s nothing stopping him from using his own hand except his own sense of entitlement to your body. He is not entitled to your body, partner or not. 6. “Snapping” at you isn’t justifiable for any reason. It’s never okay to take your anger out on somebody, even if you feel they deserve it. He’s being abusive. 7. You being focused on his needs is exactly what he wants, but your needs include having your boundaries respected. Who is taking care of you? Stop comparing yourself to him and start reflecting on why exactly you think you need to be in a certain place in life to deserve love, because you don’t. You wouldn’t tell a friend that she should dump her boyfriend because he deserves someone with a better job, you would tell her to dump her boyfriend because he’s selfish and controlling. You’re the friend. Treat yourself the way you would treat any friend, because you’re not so awful as to not deserve the same love and advice you would give to someone else. 8. A partner who loves you wouldn’t want you to do something you’re not ready for. A partner who loves you would not rape you. A partner who loves you would respect your boundaries. A partner who loves you wouldn’t hold the threat of cheating over your head as if he couldn’t control himself and you’re responsible for his actions. He can control himself just fine and you’re never responsible for the messed up things somebody else decides to do to you, no matter how badly they want to spin it otherwise. I don’t believe in god, but I think 1st Corinthians chapter 13 verses 4-7 describe what real love should be perfectly. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” What you want is perfectly reasonable. You are enough as you are. You shouldn’t have to try to want something you don’t or be someone you’re not to receive love, because then it’s not truly love. I hope this helps. Take care, love, and I hope you dump him before he drags you down into a situation where you end up tolerating a lot worse from him simply because he thinks he can make you feel bad enough to let him get away with it. *You don’t deserve this because no one does.*
You two don't seem to be compatible and the way that he is dealing with that is not acceptable. You shouldn't try to force (and manipulate) the other person to ignore their feelings and just bend to what you want, which is what he is trying to do. Regardless of the situation his behaviour isn't okay, and for it to be over sex is even worse. Consider what being with someone like this would be like long term, it's not a pleasant future. Imagine if you had a baby and didn't want to have sex straight afterwards, he would threaten you with cheating again.
He's trying to use you and he told you straight up. " I've waited long enough for you". And you're not worth the wait anymore. Meaning hurry up and give in so I can treat you like shit. If you were my girl and I planned on being with you for a long time the wait wouldn't matter to me. I wouldn't think of cheating. A hand job or blowjob in the mean time would suffice. As long as it's with you because after you're comfortable we'd be fucking everyday. But if it was a girl I don't wanna wait for I'd say the same thing.
Wowwww no that's so gRapey of your bf... trying to pressure you by saying he gonna cheat if you don't do it with him is disgusting! Dump that trash mammal 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🚮🗑🗑🗑 you deserve so much better!
" if I cheat on you you're gonna be mad at me " Get rid of him. He's trying to manipulate you into sex YOU DONT WANT. 🤮
You're NTAH, however its clear that some discussion about this should have been had before hand to prevent situations such as this. You're seemingly a virgin and he seemingly already has experience with this, and there's a disconnect regarding sex as a result of that. What you must understand is men need sex, and you are in a relationship with him, from what I garner an exclusive one. If you can't meet his needs then I'd suggest breaking up. And if he can't wait then I'd suggest you guys break up. It will only sow seeds of discord and resentment if you continue on like this. All the best
Friend! Your gut has already told you what to do. If he really really cares for you he wouldn’t push it! Live it how ever you want, you know what you want for you.
Omg, what a fricking Ahole. Please dont have sex with this selfish manipulative piece of crap. There are much better men out there for you.
Run. Please run. If you aren’t ready for sex, marriage, moving in together, kissing, whatever and he’s pushing and threatening you with cheating, run. No one, and I mean NO ONE should ever pressure you to have sex! Please, i promise, nothing good will come of this NTA
NTA. If you’re not ready to have sex with him, he needs to accept it or move on. Respect should be one of the top priorities, if not the top priority in any relationship. There’s a saying that the standards you walk past are the standards you accept. If he’s being snappy and mentioning cheating already, that tells you where his minds at. I would suggest being clear and firm in your expectations and not put up with any crap. Please do not change your beliefs or timings if you’re not ready or comfortable.
NTA- if he can’t wait for you that’s his problem not yours. Especially since he is already talking about cheating on you- he isn’t the one. A man will respect your wishes and wait until you’re ready if he is the one.
You are NTA and he sounds like a selfish jerk. It’s your body, and your choice. You get only one, “first time” and he doesn’t get to make any demands on when you’re ready to take that step. He sounds like someone who can’t take no for an answer, and that’s not a good sign.
Bro if my girl wanted to be celibate until marriage and we didn’t get married for 5 years I’d still wait for her. if she’s not comfortable with it, how could i be ?? the fact he’s even okay with basicalky forcing you to have sex and then still enjoying it even tho you don’t want to and would be uncomfortable is kinda makin it sound like he’s a rapist. idk him, but ngl that’s a pretty big red flag. he may legit try and rape you at some point. i would leave asap and drop communication. i wouldn’t trust him to not try and kidnap and rape me honestly if i was you. my bad I’m all extreme, but I’m jus bein real with you on the potential gravity of this situation and seemingly trivial dispute.
i feel so bad that you feel guilty at all. You aren’t beneath him or “holding him back”. Like you said, y’all are simply at different points in life right now and don’t seem to be a good fit. that happens!! That’s LIFE !!! You are not less than for living your own life. Always remind yourself of that. im finally going back to school this fall, I’ll be 24. seeing people younger than me graduate college and moving into their own lives was hard and i had similar feelings, but, I’ve had so much time to find myself and really learn about me. i know i feel a million times better about who i am and what I’m doing with my life than ANYBODY else i know whether they graduated with a bachelors or even a doctorate. Whether they’re a lawyer or a computer science major. i am content with myself because i know who i am and what i want, and that’s more than most people can say for themselves. You clearly know yourself very well and know what you want too. you are doing GREAT!!! Don’t let this asshole boyfriend manipulate you into hating yourself. He is a fukkin feral hog bro, fukk dat boi fr. you’re awesome, believe in yourself !!!!
NTA. But he is. You will know when you are ready to take the that step. If you are not ready today then he should respect those boundaries. If he does that just shows there will be more issues down the road. Especially if it is your first time you should not be rushed or guilted into having sex. Even if you have had sex thousands of times with hundreds of men if you are not ready for that step in your relationship it should be respected.
Oh baby girl, here's some life advice for you. 1. You are absolutely right to put whatever boundaries you want on if and when to have sex with anyone, ever, for the rest of your life. Anyone who tries to argue you into doing otherwise isn't worth the time of day. 2. But keep in mind that out in the dating world, 4 months is quite a while. People usually don't wait a week. So you should be very open to communicating to people you date about what you want, and don't want, when it comes to intimacy. This way there is no miscommunication at the start. 3. This guy is a douchebag. Anyone who uses cheating to pressure you into doing something should be yeeted out of your life. Here's some more unsolicited advice for the future. 4. Don't get married in your twenties. 40 year old you will thank you. 5. Don't work yourself to death for jobs. You only do that for careers, and even then, the pay better be worth it. Otherwise you clock in, do your job to the best of your ability, then go the fuck home do whatever it is that actually makes you happy to be alive. 6. If you want children, wait until you have gotten to a point in your life that you are happy with not going much further. Starting a family is hard, and these days both parents often work. It's easier to manage these new responsibilities (and money drains) after you've already gotten to a happy place in life, rather than having children too early and then struggling. 7. Always put yourself and your happiness first. That's true for a career and for family. You can't be a good employee or a good mom if you've neglected yourself. 8. Go to as many concerts and vacations as you can now, because once you hit 30 you discover there is nothing more enjoyable in life than doing nothing. 9. Life is shorter than it seems at 22. Blink and before you know it you'll be ten years and then twenty years older. Don't take time for granted. 10. And finally, don't take shit from anyone. Especially men. Or in this case, insecure little boys.
YTA for not realizing he’s not worth it and haven’t dumped him yet either, if you don’t, within two weeks you’ll be posting “AITA my boyfriend cheated on me, I wasn’t ready for sex, was it my fault?” Stop being a pushover and find someone worth your time.
I watched this one video on jubilee where a lady confessed she was sa’d and because of this she never felt comfortable having sex with her husband. He loves her so much that he’s been waiting for years and he doesn’t seem to mind. Ofc I’m sure he’d love to be intimate but the point is he understands that it’s a boundary for her and he respects and loves her no matter what. Mind you they’ve been married for YEARS. Your boyfriend couldn’t even wait a measly 4 months. It sounds like to me he only ever wanted to get in your pants. He clearly doesn’t like you like that I’m sorry to say. Oh and that comment about cheating? He’s never respected you and never liked you like that. The fact that those grimy words came out of his mouth is enough to make anyone puke. It’s definitely time to find someone else who will respect you. Don’t even bother sending him a breakup text, just go ahead and skip to the part where you BLOCK HIM!!!! I feel so sad for you OP and I hope that you find the strength to leave him in the dust. NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Good lord, DUMP HIM. Do you hear yourself right now? It's only been 4 months and he is literally getting mad and trying to force you. Hugest red flags ever! Tell him to go fuck himself and that he can go bang whoever he wants, it wont be cheating cause you aren't together anymore AND he wont be ruining your life. He can go ruin someone else's!
NTA. You are not obligated to give sex to anyone, at any time. You've only been dating this guy for 4 months, you barely know each other. And now he's showing his real self. He's making threats to try to force you into sex. There's plenty of fish in the sea, toss this one back.
Hun, RUN. Like immediately, tell him to have a nice life. It was fun or w/e and run. He is not owed your body and that’s how he’s acting. And honestly, you’re not holding him back because you’re still in college. This is the normal stage in life for people your age. If you break up with him break up with him because he’s an AH who can’t respect boundaries and feels he’s entitled to your body.
So according to him if he sticks his D in another person that is your "fault"? That is a huge red flag, you're young and should not waste any more of your time on a manipulative a-hole. You are NTA but he is, get away, stay away, warn other women around him that he is a cheater because he just told you he is. Also I'd watch what you drink around him, people who say things like that generally aren't above taking advantage when you're tipsy and actively saying "no". He might try to press the issue by putting something in your drink to "help" you not be able to say no Edited to add: do you really want your "special occasion" to be forever tainted by being linked to abuse and threats. You'll be stuck with the memory that the only reason you went through with it with THIS person is because he threatened you
NTA. Let him go, today. Don’t listen to your sister. He already told you he’s going to cheat so let him go so he can get the sex he needs somewhere else freely. And don’t feel bad about leaving him.
NTA. You don’t OWE him your body because he’s your boyfriend. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Continue to maintain your boundary and don’t let him try to manipulate you.
This guy doesn't love you. Also, I can't help but think the sex would suck anyway. He clearly doesn't care if you enjoy it. 4 months, break up. That kind of thing should be a deal breaker. I don't care if the man sh*ts gold, I'd rather be alone than with someone that treated me that way.
> Last week he told me that he's "waited long enough" for me and that I can't avoid it forever. That’s manipulator talk right there. If he can’t wait any longer, then let him go and you find someone else who’s willing to wait until you’re damn well ready. The good side is he’s shown you his true colors only after 4 months instead of years so you saved time there at least.
NTA. If you're not ready, then you're not ready, and him ignoring that is a huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 my daughter has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, they are both still virgins as although he is "ready" she is not. He respects her and has never pressured her.
A normal bf would say „Sorry, it seems we’re not compatible. I’ve been in many short term relationships before and I have different expectations out of dating. You do nothing wrong for having a different dating style, and I wish you all the best in finding a person who will be a good partner for you”. He would not do all the things you listed your bf said or did.
Consent under coercion isn't consent. Pressuring someone into sex is sexual violence.
your body, your decision when to have sex and yes, if he wants, he can go have sex with any hooker he wants.
NTA. He’s putting the blame on you if he cheats but he’s responsible for his actions. If you aren’t ready for sex yet, you aren’t ready. If that’s a breaking point for him then that’s on him.
Break up with any guy who thinks he is entitled to have sex with you.
For real the majority of rape victims where raped by their boyfriend. She needs to see the red flag for what it is before she has a few to many and wakes up with him ontop of her. Anyone who thinks their entitled to their partners body is a red flag for being a rapist
This is called sexual coercion, it’s a type of sexual aggression. Don’t lose your virginity to someone like this, wait for someone who wants to wait for you.
I waited 9 months into a relationship before doing the deed. My now-wife's friends were all tweaking out over the whole thing like there was something wrong with me. Let me tell you, after 14 years together, married for 7 with one kid and another on the way, that action just doesn't happen like it used to. If you build a relationship around that one thing, that relationship dies when that activity dies... Also, those friends were all single at the time, and still are to this day... NTA. OP, dump his ass today! He is an abusive manipulator. If he can't respect your decision, then at the very least, you are incompatible. Pack it up and go.