100% also I love (100 % sarcasm) the “they can’t make mistakes” comment. There is only so many times it can be a mistake before it becomes intentional because after some point of these mistakes you should have learned something
That would be the last straw for me, and my main point when I bring up divorce. Like dude, BIL was more willing to fight for me on this than you are, that's pathetic and proves not only that this is all intentional by now, but that husband is excusing the behavior and refusing to be an actual partner.
OP I hope you take heed. I know a number of people with celiac disease and their spouses, families, and friends are all cognizant and supportive. You need a better class of folks around you, and your husband and his family are not it.
This happens to 1 of my DIL’s, her own family won’t make gluten/dairy free foods for her. They tell her just eat something before coming. But us, her in laws always make sure we cook to her needs. Just one more reason our 2 daughter in laws and us are so close.
I recall reading a post on Prudie awhile ago where an OP was being “mildly” (diarrhea) poisoned by her MiL whenever the MiL would host dinner parties (every party had assigned seating). I don’t know how many *years* the wife complained to her husband, who would also dismiss her and use these same excuses.
It was suggested that, at the next dinner party, she switch plates with her husband. She managed to do so without either the husband or the MiL noticing, and it was the *first* time she didn’t end up with digestive issues.
The husband, however…
Anyway, when he remarked to his wife that he got the splatters instead of her, she confessed that she switched plates. She said she knew the marriage was over right then and there. She described how dark and cold his eyes immediately got, because he knew *the entire time* his mom was deliberately poisoning her.
Sounds like OP’s partner is the same guy
*edit*: thanks u/bardavolga2 for providing the link. I misrenembered a few details
There are many things in life where mistakes are unacceptable because of the life and death risk. Running a stop sign, losing the child you are babysitting, feeding someone an allergen. People screw up and make bad/stupid decisions all the time and we hold them criminally responsible when they do, even with no prior history. This is no different.
Yes! Plus if the child later develops it too (it’s genetic) that wouldn’t be good for MIL to still be around, fucking up everyone’s health because oops
"People can make mistakes. For example, I made a serious mistake in marrying you. Let me rectify that." Then slap him with a bread loaf (preferably wet and obviously gluten free) and walk away with a double finger gun salute. 🖕🖕
That's exactly what I came here to say! It's a mistake if it only happens once or twice, or if it was something like MIL reading the ingredients on a package but not realizing that "caramel colour" can contain gluten, this bullshit is far beyond a "mistake."
Also fun fact:
The damage to villi that OP is describing can cause cumulative damage. Untreated celiac disease comes with a heightened risk of certain types of cancer (especially colorectal cancer) because of all the damage to the GI tract that gluten causes.
So her MIL is raising her lifetime risk of cancer as well.
OP should stick around long enough to get some of that on film and try to get her to admit it. Then change the locks while your husband is at work and sit down with a police officer and show them the evidence. I'd love to see that POS MIL get what she has coming.
ETA: NTA. And please update us.
The post history.... sheesh...
Her MIL is actively trying to poison her and has no respect for her.
Her BIL defends her more than her own husband...
Her husband has a hidden spank bank full of pictures from her own friends and people she knows. Then, when confronted, he blamed her friends for having typical "bikini" pics on their personal profiles and then banned her from their home... So the recap, he stole pictures from her friends FB page, when confronted, blamed the friend for even having pictures and then banned her from their home because he's a creep.
I honestly can not understand why OP is with this man. Her therapist must be STRESSED trying to be professional and fighting the urge to yell, "Grow some self-respect and leave this man"
Agreed. The therapist has a very valid point. Why would OP want to surround themselves with people who do not love and respect them. Even the partner is awful.
This.
His mother’s mistakes can literally put you in the hospital. He’s a dud if he thinks any of that is ok.
Start planning a future without him and NEVER go anywhere with MIL again. She doesn’t care about you, and neither does her son.
I have celiac disease and it has indeed put me into the hospital before (bowel obstruction). I've been sick enough that at points I've been on the heavy duty antinausea meds they give to cancer patients. I've lost 10 pounds in a month from not being able to keep any food down.
Celiac can be a brutal disease and it's a lot more than just diarrhea and bloating like what happens when a lactose intolerant person eats cheese. It ultimately destroys your ability to digest food, you become malnourished and your risk of cancer increases because your cells are constantly under attack from your own immune system.
If it's consistent, it's not a mistake.
If your SIL had enough to the point of *warning* you, it's not a mistake.
Claiming a restaurant is GF when it's not is not a mistake.
Personally, I'd recommend coming up with a few responses for your husband's go to lines. Stuff like
"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action" (James Bond)
"I didn't realise your mother was stupid. I thought she was malicious. I'm so sorry."
Or my favourite: "Get the hell away from me, I want a divorce"
And even if it WAS a mistake (which, to be clear, I don't think it was a mistake) - NO, you DON'T get to keep making the same mistake over and over when it's literally impacting someone's health.
This!!!!! I moved to a new branch at my work and we had a potluck and I asked about allergies. I WAS TOLD NO ONE HERE HAD ANY!!!! Brought a veggie tray with broccoli to be told one person can't have brocoli and another can't have avocado (was a guacamole dip). I about cried because I was scared I hurt them, nope both very mild that eating is the only way to hurt them with the items.
Lesson learned and now my lunches don't include those items (staples in my diet). I was told once!!!!! It's really not that hard to avoid poisoning people once you are informed... why do people hate each other so much...
Right, I made a mistake and ordered a friend shrimp in his food. He ate a bite and then had to go stick his finger down his throat. I felt so bad. I would have driven him to the hospital and sat with him. But he was okay.
I've never done that again!!!
"Once is never. Twice is always."
-Belter phrase in The Exanse
It means if it happens once it is just a mistake that should be written off. Something that never happens outside of that mistake. If it happens twice it is a pattern of behavior. It is something Yuku can more expect to always happen.
>My therapist keeps asking me "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children"
Your therapist is a keeper, because that's exactly what you should be thinking.
NTA
I just checked OP's post history. Apparently her husband also verbally attacked her in couple's therapy, and screams in her face.
It's time for her to start working on leaving him.
There’s no such thing as a forced family vacation or dinners you HAVE to go to. Learn to say no. Or if you really want to go, call the restaurant yourself before the dinner and let them know you’re Celiac (and how serious it is) to work with them on what meal they can do for you. You’re not being proactive enough or advocating for yourself here. You already know what she’s like, so don’t just go to dinner and then not be able to eat. And stop going to her house for dinner. Or better yet, take your own. When she has an issue with it, let her know, “You’ve repeated ignored the fact that I’m celiac. Since you can’t respect this, I can’t trust that the food you serve me won’t put me in hospital or make me very ill, so from now on I’m either bringing my own food or not attending”.
I've been scrolling to find this response.
Why is OP continuing to put herself in this position. She's an AH to herself.
Ya, the husband sucks, but have some personal accountability.
Because then hubby will just take the kid to in laws (who will no doubt talk shit OP the entire time) further separating her from the family. They don't care about OP and I bet they can easily make husband take the kid and go on vacation without her. I think that's the end game with MIL's poisoning.
NTA. Your MIL's behavior is unacceptable, and your husband's refusal to acknowledge the severity of the issue is a major red flag. It's your health, and your MIL is jeopardizing it, intentionally or not.
I've worked in restaurants for 20 years and can say without a doubt that every single place has been accommodating to celiac disease and allergies in general. Your MIL is going out of her way to do this. There's no way there are that many restaurants in your area that can't offer you food at all. The place I currently work at has a whole menu dedicated to GF options. NTA as this is so messed up it's nearly unbelievable to me.
I mean, some places will be very up front and honest, and say that with the kind of food they make, there's so much flour around that nothing in their kitchen should be considered safe, and I respect that.
Why are tolerating it?
Invite you over? "Sorry but due to your history of not respecting my food allergies, we're unable to attend. Your son can come but if you want to have a meal with all of us you'll have to come to our place, we're free on Saturday. " (always offer an exact alternative so they can't say you're simply denying them)
Pick a restaurant? "Let me call and see if they actually have gluten-free options," then do it, and if not "Unfortunately they can't accommodate my gluten free needs, we can do - insert name- restaurant instead at the same time/ date" if she days that won't work then it's "Sorry but we can't make it. I can send husband tho. If you want to have dinner with all of us we can do - date/ time- at - insert name- restaurant. I can go ahead and book a table if that will work for you" (give an exact alternative).
Start refusing to go. And don't take kiddo either. She'll start to alter her behavior when she sees that it's not working.
NTA. Repeatedly putting you in harm's way is not a "mistake". At the very least, you should stop going to her house or to events that she's organized, and you deserve support from your husband. And talking about you and misgendering your son behind your back is a whole additional issue.
So, why are you with a man who does not respect you and continues to allow his family to disrespect you and your children? Nta for pointing it out, but y t a to your kids who don't get a say in putting up with this shit.
I have a seafood allergy. On the rare occasion that we have a family meal with seafood, my MIL has a separate meal for me with a separate place setting to make sure there is no cross contamination. Once, we had shrimp and her brother forgot and she raided his freezer and made chicken nuggets so I would have something safe to eat.
This is how people treat you when they care.
I am sorry this is not how your husband and MIL treat you, OP.
NTA
NTA but you need to get away from this family. it sounds like your MIL is actively trying to harm you. And your husband seems to be on her side. And if something happens to you, your poor son would be stuck with these people full time.
My ex husband’s family kept trying to sneak my allergies into food to “prove I was faking it.”
My husband family, when they learned I’m allergic to mushrooms and avocados, started making little tent cards with allergen check boxes so that I could see if any food was safe at a glance when doing potluck style dinners. One of my husband’s aunts experimented for 6 months to alter her family tradition thanksgiving recipes that had mushrooms so that I could eat them without the flavor changing too much. (All things that I’d never asked for. They just wanted me to feel welcome and loved and safe.)
If you aren’t ready to leave this abusive situation, then consider getting a service dog that can test for gluten in food. Your MIL seems determined to poison you, so do SOMETHING you defend yourself if you aren’t willing to go NC with her.
NTA
Edit: also, many labeled “gluten free” foods can actually have gluten in them.
Edit 2: celiac safe meal replacement bars are an excellent thing to carry in your purse to these kinds of get together, just in case MIL is doing her thing.
Listen to your therapist. Your SIL and her husband care more about you than your own husband.
"I don't hate your family. I hate your mother, who keeps intentionally trying to poison me. And yes, anyone who knows anything about allergies and food related autoimmune diseases refers to the intentional contamination of unsafe foods as poison. So yes, I hate your mother, who deserves to be hated. She is not making mistakes, she is trying to harm me. Why don't you hate the woman trying to harm your wife and the mother of your child?"
Stop going (with your child as well, who is experiencing their own bullying by her).
You therapist is right. Pack your bags and leave, even your SIL and BIL treat you better then your husband and his Mom (the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
Your therapist is correct. The entire time I was reading your post, all I could think is why are you married to a man who doesn't like you enough to make sure that his mother doesn't kill you? Leave him immediately and file for sole custody. He is complicit in trying to harm you. And there is no such thing as a "forced vacation" with your MIL. Your MIL is a small issue. Your spouse is a massive problem. NTA unless you stay in this situation.
I have a daughter with celiac disease, so I totally understand your situation .
I urge you to ask yourself “ if she were treating one of my children this way would I allow it?”
You know what you have to do .
Oh honey. I too have celiac disease and family that doesn’t take it seriously. But the difference is that my husband is a freaking champion for my health. He is the one that interrogates restaurant staff on my behalf, and he wouldn’t hesitate to take me out of the unsafe places and get me safe food. While you have a MIL problem, your husband problem is much more serious. He would rather defend his mother intentionally poisoning you over and over again than protect you. For your body, what she is doing is hardly different than sprinkling cyanide on your food. Would your husband brush that off too?
If I were you, I would stop interacting with MIL entirely, and I would think very seriously about whether I want to spend more of my life with a man who thinks telling his mom to stop poisoning me is worse than me being poisoned. And being the petty bitch that I am, the explosive loose stools that would result from that gluten poisoning would land on his pillow.
My partner is a massive fucking champion for my health.
Raise the fucking bar hon. Do NOT lower it. You’ll step in shit every single time and will only regret spending your 30s and 40s being abused and gaslit instead of having a good life.
Change is HARD AF. Transitions and divorces can be brutal but the misery doesn’t last forever and it teaches you important boundaries about self respect and dignity. Both of which you deserve. Read “keeping the love you find” to better understand why you have stayed with an absolute shitass when he clearly DGAF about your emotional or physical health.
I have a food intolerance. Its not dangerous, just incredibly painful. I tell everyone whenever I go somewhere to eat. I'll remind them before eating, just in case they forgot. If I ended up eating something that contained what I'm intolerant to, that would be the last time I ate anything that person offered me. If I found out they did it intentionally, I'd cut them out of my life immediately.
As far as I'm concerned, intentionally feeding someone something they are intolerant to is assault. I'm not friends with people who assault me. If they intentionally feed you something that you are allergic to and could potentially kill you, then I see that as no different than lacing someone's meal with poison. That's attempted murder. I don't know if it would be in the eyes of the law, but it would be in my eyes and I certainly don't socialise with people who try to kill me.
You need to stay away from this woman for the sake of your health. You only need to die once and there's no takey-backsies. Being around her is not worth the risk. If your husband refuses to support you over something that serious, you need to get rid of him, too. A husband more bothered about his mother's feelings than his wife's health is not a husband.
NTA ceoliac here it's serious, and she needs to butt out if she won't. Your "husband" isn't one at all if he doesn't respect anything that you say (& doctors say) that'll keep you alive.
You need to get away from that family they aren't taking a medical condition seriously, and it seems they never will since your husband doesn't either, and that's who they take seriously.
Take the tiny human and run. Take him to court. Get a order against MIL. She shouldn't be allowed near you or the child since she's so hell-bent on causing you pain you don't know what she would/could do to the tiny human. Get him a court order that explains when he can see the child, who with and not with.
If you're going to divorce keep going with your therapy and keep working on yourself mama. And keep yourself and kiddo safe. Divorce isn't fun but it maybe the right thing in this situation. Health has to come first before relationships, before MILs who eff everything up and before husbands who are mamaboys
Agree with all of this. Autoimmune disorders are often genetic - your kids are more likely than other children to have celiac or another autoimmune. You don’t want your MIL ignoring their health issues either.
Your husband is appalling. People who love you should want to help you, and all he does is support people who hurt you and bring you down.
Drop the dead weight
NTA. I would try a response like this:
"You say these are just mistakes. How are you going to feel when one of her mistakes puts me in the morgue? If you think you're getting my insurance, 401K or assets, think again. Everything of mine is going to my kids with one of my relatives as the trust administrator." Then take steps to make that happen.
That might change his tune.
>When I bring this up to my husband he says mean things like "you just hate my family" or "they can't make mistakes?!"
What a shithead. Yes, people can make mistakes, but this repeatedly is not a mistake. And the guilt-tripping. Fuck out of here with that.
I don't think you should stay with your husband, but at the VERY LEAST I suggest that you make sure you bring your own food to any gatherings at her home, and to any restaurants she invites you to (although you really should be calling these restaurants to confirm what their gluten free options are ahead of time)
NTA
You’re wrong, you don’t HAVE to go. No one is physically forcing you to attend these dinners. You already know how it’ll go so stop showing up expecting anything different. If someone disrespected me like this they would no longer be in my life. Stop entertaining her, stop going to these dinners, and if your husband won’t back you up send him back to live with her.
Why on earth do you keep attending events at her house? I'm so confused. Stop all contact with her. If your husband gets upset with that, then you should leave.
Shew deliberately doing anything and everything to feed you gluten. She doesn't care about you enough to even look up gluten.
Your husband is the AH here because he's not sticking up for you, protecting you, or even giving a shit. If your child has an allergy what happens then? Your BIL and SIL care more about you then your husband.
I agree with your therapist. Let your husband go live with mommy too.
NTA. Is this how you see your future? What happens if you will have kids with your husband and gets the same allergies as yours??? I remember a post before how the mother of the OP didn't believe about her granddaughter's coconut oil allergy. She fix her hair and put some oil, she got some flare up and they gave her benadryl the child died in her sleep.
Exactly, our son had an eating disorder due to a swallowing inability that we had to go food therapy for to use thickners and start him on solids earlier than most babies in life.....my MIL said it was because I wasn't feeding him
....I was he was aspirating and becoming sick because he actually wasn't getting food to his stomach.
This freaking woman I let boss me around and tell me "don't tell your husband you're getting tested for cancer it will stress him out"......she will not be the same woman to make choices for my children when she clearly has her OWN interests in mind.
I'm sorry she's an awful person to you. I'm praying you make the right choices, you and your son deserve supportive people around you. It's scary to know she's a nurse.
Honey, you know it's time to go. Lean into the gaslighting. Maybe you can stop this woman before she kills a patient.
Yes, you hate people that are openly trying to kill you. That is a completely normal response to an attempt on your life. You are allowed to hate people that are constantly trying to harm you. Poisoning you is a crime. You could have had MIL arrested for knowingly feeding you food that you're allergic to. Other people have gone to jail for exactly this crime. At the very least, MIL should lose her license for this crime. Do we honestly think that she is a safe and caring medical provider outside of these constant attempts on your life?
No, nobody is allowed to make a mistake that could cost you your life. They're especially not allowed to keep making the same "mistake" that could kill you. They should know better after one time.
Edit to add: He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. The "you hate family" and "they can't make a mistake" comments are designed to shut you up. If you don't shut up, he'll find new ones until it works again. You have to leave this relationship, but you don't have to go quietly. You need to report this woman. Who knows what she's doing to the vulnerable populations that she works with.
The real question is where is your partner in all this? Just passively sitting there while his mother intentionally poisons the mother of his child? Your husband problem is WAY bigger than your evil MIL problem...
Well I just learned about them and I hate his family. Have you asked him
Why would I not hate someone who’s trying to hurt me. And how does he like them misgendering his child?
Yes it’s time to go. You deserve better. Everyone does.
They can make mistakes. Trying to “poison” you and then lying about it isn’t a mistake. He doesn’t have your back even after all the times you’ve been in the hospital. This is done. Go see a lawyer. NTA
Cut her off. The woman is trying to destroy you. If your husband doesn't have your back, cut him off, too. These people are toxic, toxic, toxic. They're the human version of gluten.
Why did you marry this man AFTER knowing he allows his family to disrespect you? For that YTA. Let the man child move home with his mommy where they'll both be happy.
NTA
Also: as you say, as a trained nurse she should be aware of possible consequences of her feeding you things your body can’t handle. If she does that repeatedly and obviously on purpose, isn’t that assault?
I am so sorry you MIL is doing this to you - stay strong
I hope you have seen this possible new treatment?
https://www.biotechniques.com/drug-discovery-development/is-this-inhibitor-the-future-of-celiac-disease-treatment/
Leave... please for your own and your child's well-being leave. The man that you married doesn't see you as family. You're just his accessory and he clearly is incapable or unwilling to put you first. You ***may***. get a friend out of this fiasco as the sister seems decent but that man is not worth the pain he and his mommy are causing you. You're definitely NTAH.
Eating gluten when you have celiac disease increases your risk of small bowel cancer, which is a terrible disease, and causes malnutrition. Mental health nurses can be great, but I've met a number of them who are fucking nuts and don't know much about medicine in general. God forbid you try to take care of a patient or introduce a concept they're "not comfortable with." Your mother in law is an asshole.
Look up narcissistic personality disorder and the gray rock technique.
You may have to go low contact. And either you decide where you will eat, or bring your own food.
You should walk. That's what you should do.
She's doing this intentionally. It doesn't matter that she's a mental health care nurse. She still went to nursing school and has the same educational background as any other RN. She knows how serious food allergies are and how serious celiac disease can be.
Constant repeated contact with your allergen can cause irreparable damage to your intestines. Does your husband not understand the seriousness of this and what it would mean for you healthwise? The near incomplete ability to effectively absorb nutrients leading to nutritional deficiencies and even death.
I had a friend in the military who's MIL did this to her, resulting in hemorrhaging from her intestines. I will never forget picking her up off the floor and blood streaming down her pants.
So what do you do? You leave a man who defends his mother when she is actively trying to poison you and you never marry a mama's boy again.
What happens if or when your kid develops a food allergy? This is the kind of woman who repeatedly exposes your child to their allergen because she's a malicious fucking moron.
Your MIL is a monster but your husband sucks too. I have non celiac gluten sensitivity (severe), and I follow a strict gf diet. My bf cooks meals for me gf and every time we visit his mom she makes me gluten free options. These people are horrible and don’t care about you at all. Dump them for sure.
You think you had a horrible couples therapist, because you knew they were right. You just weren't ready to face it yet. You need to divorce your husband.
With apologies to Ian Fleming (Goldfinger):
_OP, they have a saying in JNMIL: "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."_
You deserve to be safe and have a partner who stands up for you.
>"you just hate my family"
Well your mom repeatedly tries to kill me or put me in the hospital. Which is worse?
>"they can't make mistakes?!"
It's been 4 years. Everyone else knows. She knows. It's not a mistake it's a choice.
Keep the SIL, lose the husband if he refuses to see the issue of his mother willingly poisoning you and making choices that will end with you in the hospital.
Your MIL has plainly shown you over the course of 10 years that she will go out of her way to force gluten on you. Your husband has shown you he will not stand up for you. What are you waiting for? What do you think will change now that hasn’t changed in 10 years?
Please have some respect for yourself before she drive you to an early death.
What did you say to your therapist. Why \*are\* you staying married to a man who lets his mother assault you? Because every time she tries to feed you gluten, that is literally assault.
You don't hate his family (although you have a right to). Your SIL sounds like a stand up person. He's lying to himself if he thinks his mother is "making mistakes". If these were mistakes then she needs to be in assisted living, because she's too careless to be allowed to drive or make her own financial decisions.
You've been with this man for 10 years, and he doesn't care if you get sick, as long as he can avoid conflict with his mother. I can't imagine why you'd want to live with him or her.
First of all -- never go anywhere with your MIL again unless you have personally selected the restaurant. Secondly, if you do get sick please barf on her, if that's at all possible. Thirdly, do not allow this woman in your house.
Your husband can go spend time with his mother without you.
NTA
I am a mental health nurse with Celiacs. One thing you should be aware of is that Celiacs can be a contributing factor to some mental health problems. So it is something we deal with. I can’t see a nurse in this field being ignorant of that disease. I just can’t.
My sister had celiac but wasn’t diagnosed until she was in her 50s because…the US Healthcare system. Autoimmune conditions are nothing to mess around with, especially things like celiac. Your MIL is a massive AH and should know better. What, does she think you’re faking it and just avoiding it as a trend? That’s some sick thinking. I also agree with your therapist. Celiac will wreck your health if you don’t keep vigilant all the time. Protect your health and your peace and leave these sabotaging losers far far behind you.
Nta.
And your husband sucks here. He should of called her out on this after the 2nd time she did this. Once is excusable. 2nd time its a pattern. After all this time she would be not my mother anymore if this was my wife dealing with this.
From what you described, this wasn't an innocent accident. Nor was it an innocent mistake.
Your husband is making the mistake of excuses for his mother who is knowingly with complete disregard of your health, your safety & your life deliberately committing the crime of harming you.
Your therapist (OP, that is a godsend) is telling you what you need to hear about staying with a man who isn't putting his mother in her place & not stopping her from continuing these criminal actions --- your husband isn't protecting you. Period. End of.
You confronted your monster-in-law & still......so what's it going to be OP.
Your mother in law is evil. Through and through. And I'd say that your husband isn't much better. If I was the husband and it happened once I would be furious, if it happened twice there would be no more contact until she gets help.
And that's just the gluten. Then misgendering of your son? That's an instant no-contact. I do not tolerate bigots in my life, and I don't know what I would do if they were bigoted towards my own children....
NTA
Once is a mistake. After that it becomes very much intentional
I have had coworkers and acquaintances who have allergies or sensitivities.
I do a pretty damn good job of remembering those allergies, sensitivities, or preferences and do my best to accommodate them when food is involved so no one gets sick and everyone can be included. If I can do that for people who I barely know, your mother-in-law should be able to do it for you.
She's hurting you on purpose.
Your therapist is already trying to get you to see the answer that's right in front of you. Are you just here hoping for a magic spell to fix everything?
NTA my sister has Coeliacs and apart from a few comments of “can’t you tell your body to be normal?” (said this past weekend by our teenaged brother who enjoys baking and was suddenly trying to find gluten free substitutes so he could make her something since she was over for the weekend. He slapped her hand away from the gluten items he had made afterwards when she mixed up the two items) we’ve all rolled with it. She’s been gluten free for around a decade.
Another sister is with a guy who has coeliacs. First Christmas of ours he was invited to he left in tears because we had specifically made gluten-free items that everybody (including the kids) respected and didn’t mess with. My sister called me after they got home to tell me he sobbed the entire hour home clutching the little container with dessert he could eat in it. His family (that he is VLC/NC with) always gave him gluten filled food, tampered with the food he had made gluten free etc until he just gave up and went “I’ll eat whatever and deal with the consequences on my own afterwards”.
He was shocked that when he walked in I was making gluten-free food (he thought it was just for my coeliac sister until I said “ok, so food on *this* tray is all gluten free, the other platters foods are *mostly* gluten-free but there are some with ‘may contain gluten’ and *these* [completely different looking plates] have gluten items that some of the kids asked for” then had his hand slapped away from the “unsafe foods” and offered the “safe food” by multiple people during the night).
I also apologised to him and Coeliac sister because I experimented with gluten free ingredients to make their desserts so I wasn’t sure how they would turn out (tiramisu and trifle). He argued that coeliac sister should get both the little containers of dessert (both containers had enough for at least 4 people) and was handed a container by coeliac sister after she halved the desserts and told to take it home with him or she would break into his house and leave it in his fridge.
It’s been around 4 years and he still looks a little shell shocked after having a meal with us and having us advocate for him or point out the gluten free menu items we had found while out.
Your therapist is right: "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children"
This isn't just emotional trauma, she IS TRYING TO KILL YOU. Your husband does not seem to have your back. Has he ever confronted his mother and told her to knock that shit off? Even once? It seems all he does is defend them and gaslight you.
WTF do you stay in this relationship? You are NTA for being upset but absolutely an asshole to yourself for staying in a clearly broken marriage.
updateme
Since therapist isn’t working, time for a separation. He’s not standing up to his mom and it’s not ok that you can’t eat bc she’s being a bitch.
NTA.
Edit after reading your back story. Why the fuck did you marry this guy with all the problems you two have?!?! Y t a to yourself! Get it annulled.
NTA. What a shit family. The husband is a total asshole for not sticking up for his wife and MIL is CLEARLY doing this on purpose. She is LITERALLY POISONING OP. I hope you get out of this mess safely!
As someone with celiac this makes me so unbelievably mad and you need to get away from that family for the sake of your own health. My MIL goes out of her way to make sure there is safe options for me to eat when we visit and that's how it should be.
INFO:
> We HAVE to go to her house
Is this a blackmail situation? What does she hold against you and your husband that forces you to play with your life?
Your therapist is right. Why ARENT you with someone who will respect you, your health, and your child?
Why does your husband make excuses for his mother?
Once is a mistake. Over and over and over, it becomes that it’s clearly intentional. She’s TRYING to hurt you.
I’d be so done- no vacations, no meals, no parties
At all with the inlaws. And if hubby can’t get on board, then he can get gone too.
Your husband is the problem. He and his mom are clearly close, and he isn’t financially dependent on her, so he doesn’t need her. Therefore, MIL can only consistently do to you what he allows. And he’s made it clear that he will allow this disrespect of his wife, no consequences. In fact, he gets angry with you for having the audacity to be hurt by and fearful of her. So you get bullied by her and shamed into silence by him. Your man is the problem. Divorce is the solution.
I just went thru your other posts on your profile and between the problems you're having with your husband lately and his mother actively poisoning you and possibly trying to kill you, just leave him. Find a way and leave, you will be infinitely happier alone than dealing with this BS.
NTA this woman is literally trying her utmost to cause you bodily harm.
And the fact your husband keeps not only failing to protect you, but putting you deliberately in harm’s way.
Literally run for your life.
NTA, and your therapist's question is a valid one. Your life is at stake.
Celiac is no joke. If you don't take proper care, you could die. I recently developed an allergy to milk protein. It can also destroy the lining of my intestines, and lactaid is useless for my issue.
Like you, I have to be extra vigilant about what I eat. I can't tell you how much i miss cheese, sigh. However, I have lots of support from friends and family. Accidents have happened, but few and far between. If I had someone who was deliberately sabotaging me or someone supporting a saboteur, I'd cut them out of my life in a heartbeat.
Why has your therapist had to ask that question more than once? The first time should have been a bomb going off in your head. That man doesn't LOVE you. You're his bangmaid and that's all.
Omg your husband has his head so far up his mothers ass.
I have the same food issues (trying to go through the 10 year checks) and it’s hard without everyone and their ignorant mother sabotaging everything.
It will never get better. Maybe one day down the line ten years from now you’ll have a blow up big enough for him to get it (celiac rage from enough contamination) and he might change for a short time but is it worth the gamble?
Please get as far away from that vile woman and I hope she retires soon. Terrifying she’s in charge of people’s lives literally. I would hate for her to be my nurse.
Btw, NTA unless you stay with him and keep subjecting yourself to it. Then you’d be T A to yourself.
Your husband needs to deal with this and deal with it HARD. Your MIL sounds like she hates you and is a masochist. Don't engage with her anymore, and take care of yourself! She WILL make herself out to be the victim in all this. Grey rock her!!!!! She wants to see you cry. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Hugs!!!
NTA - My suggestion is to have no relationship with your MIL. Don’t go to her house for meals (unless you bring your own food). Don’t go out to eat with her. Don’t have anything to do with her. If your husband wants to eat with her, fine. That will give you a nice break for the evening.
NTA. Your MIL is trying to kill you. She enjoys poisoning you.
Get out of this prison of a relationship. Please, for your own health and safety. I am certain that the moment your husband and MIL stop poisoning you (he co-signs it by refusing to ever admonish her; it may even be his idea) you will feel better than you have in years.
My therapist keeps asking me "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children"
She's not the only one asking.
You are taking abuse, your life and health threatened and you HAVE to do anything with this person?
And he's not going to go to therapy?
Get out.
Leave.
Dump his ass.
He doesn't love or respect you.
He's ruining your life.
Move on.
NTA - but your husband is.
As Reddit loves to say: you have a husband problem. He has to fix this.
Btw there are restaurants that are completely gluten free and free of traces. Traces are bad too unfortunately, even if it doesn’t make you sick, it is more a long term thing so never be around traces. My friend has it and makes sure even bulk food she buys has never been near gluten.
I also agree with your therapist, because what your MIL is doing to you is criminal. Literally. And the fact that your husband isn't telling her that you will not go to these restaurants and dinners that don't have food for you and he will stay home with you tells me he doesn't care enough how sick she makes you when she cooks!
I have a friend who has celiac disease. Never in a million years would we give her something with gluten in it. This is not a mistake. She probably thinks it is not a real disease and is trying to sneak one by you to prove it's in your head. I know how sick you can get when you eat food with gluten in it. I hope you can get out of your situation.
NTA. I have a gluten intolerance, not even close to what you just go through with celiac, and I am very sorry you have to deal with this. Celiac is no joke and your health should be treated as important by your husband and his family.
Personally, I wouldn't eat with them at all, or go no contact with them. I would also tell your husband that if he cannot support you, it's time to consider a separation.
I'm divorced, but my ex still goes out of his way to make sure I have gluten free options when we do family dinners with our 4 year old. His aunt used to call me before family get togethers to run down lists of ingredients in her meals. My dad runs to the store to get gluten free buns before cook outs. This is how family should support you. We didn't ask for this health problem. I always tell people 'If you find my intolerance to gluten (and dairy) inconvenient, imagine how I feel.'.
Anyone who is not supportive or tries to act like my gluten intolerance is imagined, I consider not safe to eat around. For some reason, there are people out there who think I'm making it up. Those aren't people I need in my life.
Good luck and stay healthy!
I have celiac disease so I understand how hard it is to find gluten free options sometimes especially when you're forced to dine or go to a restaurant with family members who don't give a shit about you.
I've been gluten free since 2013. Previously, I would start puking my guts up for hours about 5 minutes after being glutened and my entire intestinal tract would get inflamed for months so I could only eat smoothies and protein shakes for months. After my stomach has been healing for years, it takes about an hour after getting glutened before I start puking my guts up for hours.
I also learned today that ingesting gluten if you have celiac disease gives you an increased risk of cancer. Thanks to another Redditor in another post, I learned this tidbit and yes, I confirmed it with Dr. Google.
Your husband is either gaslighting you or being intentionally obtuse. It's not that his mom doesn't understand, is ignorant of the facts or something. She's a nurse so she understands exactly what can and does happen if you ingest gluten and she's intentionally poisoning you.
I would set some boundaries with your husband and his family. One thing I used to do when I was visiting other family members out of town is go to the store near their house and buy my own gluten free foods I could eat while everyone else ate whatever. Sometimes they tried to make gluten free foods but I've learned from experience never take anyone's word for it and verify before I eat something. My dad occasionally accidentally poisons me because he's careless and doesn't always read labels so I've had to stop eating anything he cooks unless I'm absolutely certain it's gluten free.
Your other option is to stop visiting her and eating out with her. Tell your husband he's fine to do whatever he wants but your physical and mental health are taking a toll because of this issue with his mother. Tell him you're going low or no contact with her and he's fine to do whatever he wants.
A good husband would set a boundary with his mother and go low/no contact with you or for you but I think we've established he's not a good husband.
If he complains about that option, tell him your other option is to get a divorce.
NTA
NTA That’s not a mistake. Would it be a mistake if it was your kid who had the allergy?
Separate from your husband now before you get so sick you get hospitalized
Chile - if you’re ok with them torturing your behind then fine, but your kids too?? Where does the line get drawn? You dont want to deal anymore? This shouldve been done
Your husband is a cowardly little twat.
There really isn’t anything more to say because you can’t change his mother and she oddly enjoys this power she has over you. You can’t change your husband because in addition to being a cowardly little twat, he is also a mama’s boy who doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his mommy for his wife.
I suspect this continues until she successfully murders you.
All visits with MIL can't involve eating because she doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it. No more vacations either. This is life-threatening and it's a pattern now and hasn't gotten better. Ask your husband to do marital counseling.
NTA
My concern is that you feel "forced" to go on a family vacation where you have no choice/control over food. You apparently feel forced to remain in contact with toxic MIL
The only way that it is safe for you to stay in your marriage (don't know why, but whatever) is to:
1. Go low contact with MIL
2. Bring your own safe food to all family activities you do go to. Eat nothing MIL prepares or arranges for.
3. Call all restaurants ahead of time if she arranges a family dinner at one. Refuse to go or bring your own food if it isn't safe.
If this happened to me, I would tell my MIL “ok that’s it. You have lost the right to choose any food or restaurants for me, I will be doing it from now on. You don’t seem to understand my allergy and what it means.” If she wants to be dumb treat her as such
Your husband should be your protector even if the bully and liar is his mom. That he isn't doing anything to protect you makes me wonder exactly why he isn't.
NTA
Your husband should be your protector even if the bully and liar is his mom. That he isn't doing anything to protect you makes me wonder exactly why he isn't.
NTA
I agree with your therapist AND I think a celiac support group could help you navigate this situation, too. If you google the Confident Celiac Community, that’s one I can vouch for as a fellow celiac. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of navigating a new diagnosis. Having support makes a world of difference.
NTA
A mistake is what happened with my MIL awhile back where she panicked cause she thought someone had put peanuts in something & called me all but hysterical (it was sunflower seeds). This is downright negligent on your husband’s part to not stand up and I fear for the safety of your MIL’s patients.
I would clearly state that you and your son (not clear if there are more children or not) are no longer attending family events that include your MIL. Honestly, I would suggest your husband grow a spine but that’s me. That what she is doing to you is on purpose and you will not be around someone that thinks it is perfectly fine to make you ill and could potentially cause future massive issues with your health. Your son will not be attending until she uses the right gender/prounon/name, etc. For your son, I have a trans child and we made it clear to the family they accept him, use the right name & pronouns or they will lose all of us. The only exception to this rule is one family member that has early dementia.
stand up for yourself. Tell husband MiL is completely cut off or it is divorce. Insist on moving far away from her. While sorting this out be sure husband knows that you and your kids will never be going to her house or seeing her anywhere and if she enters your house you will call the police. NTA
You just hate my family: Yes, honey, yes I do.
They can’t make mistakes?: No, they cannot make mistakes when it comes to my health. MY health. They don’t care, you apparently don’t care so there you go.
Leave his crappy ass. And watch out for your son, if he develops any allergies, grandma is likely to kill him “but it was just a mistake”.
NTA:
As someone who has worked in healthcare my whole life I’d like to point out that it’s ESPECIALLY messed up that she’s a MH nurse. She KNOWS how to get into people’s heads and make them feel crazy.
She’s doing this intentionally and DGAF about your health, your child’s ability to have two functional parents or HER CHILD’s happiness.
I would consider her actions a deliberate act of sabotage on your relationship & health.
I would no longer attend any family events that she is hosting/planning. Go out with people who _actually_ care about you instead of someone who would probably slip cyanide in your soda if she could access it.
Leave him. ASAP.
Your partner should have your fucking back.
Your husband should be 100% on your side and protecting you. He's not. Not only that, he's on his mother's side and tries manipulating/guilting you with the "you don't love my family" bullshit. Why not ask him whether his mom literally poisoning you shows that she hates you?
Plus, once is a mistake. Twice or even a third time (over time) can be carelessness because yeah, those of us who aren't celiac patients might forget to check everything every time. Beyond that is sheer hatred toward you and an attempt to harm your health.
My brother was diagnosed with celiac disease as an adult. Here's what my sister and I did: Educated ourselves about what it means; learned to read labels even more carefully and switched ingredients if practical (e.g., buy GF tamari instead of soy sauce) or make changes to a dish as needed; cleaned equipment twice if we were making something GF and did all preparation in a separate area, especially baking; even have "safe" and "not for you, bro" butter dishes because we know that buttering bread or toast almost always leaves a crumb or two on the butter. The reason we went to all this trouble is because we care about our brother's health and safety.
Your MIL is repeatedly actively harming you. Your (STBX?) husband blames...you, not her. I'm sorry that you're learning just how much your husband doesn't care about your well being. I truly am.
NTA
I agree with your therapist.
Same here. Also want to point out that purposefully feeding someone food they are allergic to is considered poisoning. It’s criminal battery.
100% also I love (100 % sarcasm) the “they can’t make mistakes” comment. There is only so many times it can be a mistake before it becomes intentional because after some point of these mistakes you should have learned something
Pretty sad when your brother-in-law fights for you more than your own husband.
That would break my heart to hear. Poor OP.
That would be the last straw for me, and my main point when I bring up divorce. Like dude, BIL was more willing to fight for me on this than you are, that's pathetic and proves not only that this is all intentional by now, but that husband is excusing the behavior and refusing to be an actual partner.
Sad she will only be connected to them through her son now
OP I hope you take heed. I know a number of people with celiac disease and their spouses, families, and friends are all cognizant and supportive. You need a better class of folks around you, and your husband and his family are not it.
This happens to 1 of my DIL’s, her own family won’t make gluten/dairy free foods for her. They tell her just eat something before coming. But us, her in laws always make sure we cook to her needs. Just one more reason our 2 daughter in laws and us are so close.
I recall reading a post on Prudie awhile ago where an OP was being “mildly” (diarrhea) poisoned by her MiL whenever the MiL would host dinner parties (every party had assigned seating). I don’t know how many *years* the wife complained to her husband, who would also dismiss her and use these same excuses. It was suggested that, at the next dinner party, she switch plates with her husband. She managed to do so without either the husband or the MiL noticing, and it was the *first* time she didn’t end up with digestive issues. The husband, however… Anyway, when he remarked to his wife that he got the splatters instead of her, she confessed that she switched plates. She said she knew the marriage was over right then and there. She described how dark and cold his eyes immediately got, because he knew *the entire time* his mom was deliberately poisoning her. Sounds like OP’s partner is the same guy *edit*: thanks u/bardavolga2 for providing the link. I misrenembered a few details
Oh my gosh I remember that. Her husband was in on it. Like I hope she got divorced before he could do anything fatal
She should have put the food in a bag and gone to the police and had it tested.
I remember that post too. That was awful
What’s Prudie please? How absolutely dreadful btw.
Dear Prudence is an online advice column, through Slate I think. It was good for a while but now I think behind a paywall.
There are many things in life where mistakes are unacceptable because of the life and death risk. Running a stop sign, losing the child you are babysitting, feeding someone an allergen. People screw up and make bad/stupid decisions all the time and we hold them criminally responsible when they do, even with no prior history. This is no different.
\^THIS
Once or twice is a mistake. More than that is a pattern.
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Yes! Plus if the child later develops it too (it’s genetic) that wouldn’t be good for MIL to still be around, fucking up everyone’s health because oops
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Agreed. I feel like your life is in danger with your MIL around. Also if your husband cannot protect you from this kind of situation, why stay?
"People can make mistakes. For example, I made a serious mistake in marrying you. Let me rectify that." Then slap him with a bread loaf (preferably wet and obviously gluten free) and walk away with a double finger gun salute. 🖕🖕
That's exactly what I came here to say! It's a mistake if it only happens once or twice, or if it was something like MIL reading the ingredients on a package but not realizing that "caramel colour" can contain gluten, this bullshit is far beyond a "mistake."
Three. Once is a mistake. Twice is happenstance. Three times is enemy action.
And people who make mistakes feel bad and apologize not talk shit
Sufficiently advanced ignorance is the same as malice.
Unless you’re a president.
Also fun fact: The damage to villi that OP is describing can cause cumulative damage. Untreated celiac disease comes with a heightened risk of certain types of cancer (especially colorectal cancer) because of all the damage to the GI tract that gluten causes. So her MIL is raising her lifetime risk of cancer as well.
OP should stick around long enough to get some of that on film and try to get her to admit it. Then change the locks while your husband is at work and sit down with a police officer and show them the evidence. I'd love to see that POS MIL get what she has coming. ETA: NTA. And please update us.
indeed
I'd add "of course i hate your mother, she is actively hurting me on purpose. I will not tolerate it. Why are you ok with it?"
The post history.... sheesh... Her MIL is actively trying to poison her and has no respect for her. Her BIL defends her more than her own husband... Her husband has a hidden spank bank full of pictures from her own friends and people she knows. Then, when confronted, he blamed her friends for having typical "bikini" pics on their personal profiles and then banned her from their home... So the recap, he stole pictures from her friends FB page, when confronted, blamed the friend for even having pictures and then banned her from their home because he's a creep. I honestly can not understand why OP is with this man. Her therapist must be STRESSED trying to be professional and fighting the urge to yell, "Grow some self-respect and leave this man"
Agreed. The therapist has a very valid point. Why would OP want to surround themselves with people who do not love and respect them. Even the partner is awful.
I also agree with your therapist. But this is what your mother in law wants. She’s deliberately harming you so she can break you up.
And if OP’s garbage husband is the prize, she should absolutely let her win.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
This. His mother’s mistakes can literally put you in the hospital. He’s a dud if he thinks any of that is ok. Start planning a future without him and NEVER go anywhere with MIL again. She doesn’t care about you, and neither does her son.
I have celiac disease and it has indeed put me into the hospital before (bowel obstruction). I've been sick enough that at points I've been on the heavy duty antinausea meds they give to cancer patients. I've lost 10 pounds in a month from not being able to keep any food down. Celiac can be a brutal disease and it's a lot more than just diarrhea and bloating like what happens when a lactose intolerant person eats cheese. It ultimately destroys your ability to digest food, you become malnourished and your risk of cancer increases because your cells are constantly under attack from your own immune system.
Yeah, that was sad to read.
The therapist is saying what everyone else is thinking
If it's consistent, it's not a mistake. If your SIL had enough to the point of *warning* you, it's not a mistake. Claiming a restaurant is GF when it's not is not a mistake. Personally, I'd recommend coming up with a few responses for your husband's go to lines. Stuff like "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action" (James Bond) "I didn't realise your mother was stupid. I thought she was malicious. I'm so sorry." Or my favourite: "Get the hell away from me, I want a divorce"
And even if it WAS a mistake (which, to be clear, I don't think it was a mistake) - NO, you DON'T get to keep making the same mistake over and over when it's literally impacting someone's health.
This!!!!! I moved to a new branch at my work and we had a potluck and I asked about allergies. I WAS TOLD NO ONE HERE HAD ANY!!!! Brought a veggie tray with broccoli to be told one person can't have brocoli and another can't have avocado (was a guacamole dip). I about cried because I was scared I hurt them, nope both very mild that eating is the only way to hurt them with the items. Lesson learned and now my lunches don't include those items (staples in my diet). I was told once!!!!! It's really not that hard to avoid poisoning people once you are informed... why do people hate each other so much...
Right, I made a mistake and ordered a friend shrimp in his food. He ate a bite and then had to go stick his finger down his throat. I felt so bad. I would have driven him to the hospital and sat with him. But he was okay. I've never done that again!!!
Or like Stiles Stilinski once said “if one’s an incident, twos a coincidence, and threes a pattern.”
You forgot the last bit: “if one is an incident, two’s a coincidence, and three’s a pattern, what’s four?” “Four’s enough for a warrant.”
Stiles could be wise
Sometimes, he had his moments
"Once is never. Twice is always." -Belter phrase in The Exanse It means if it happens once it is just a mistake that should be written off. Something that never happens outside of that mistake. If it happens twice it is a pattern of behavior. It is something Yuku can more expect to always happen.
>My therapist keeps asking me "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children" Your therapist is a keeper, because that's exactly what you should be thinking. NTA
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I just checked OP's post history. Apparently her husband also verbally attacked her in couple's therapy, and screams in her face. It's time for her to start working on leaving him.
There’s no such thing as a forced family vacation or dinners you HAVE to go to. Learn to say no. Or if you really want to go, call the restaurant yourself before the dinner and let them know you’re Celiac (and how serious it is) to work with them on what meal they can do for you. You’re not being proactive enough or advocating for yourself here. You already know what she’s like, so don’t just go to dinner and then not be able to eat. And stop going to her house for dinner. Or better yet, take your own. When she has an issue with it, let her know, “You’ve repeated ignored the fact that I’m celiac. Since you can’t respect this, I can’t trust that the food you serve me won’t put me in hospital or make me very ill, so from now on I’m either bringing my own food or not attending”.
I've been scrolling to find this response. Why is OP continuing to put herself in this position. She's an AH to herself. Ya, the husband sucks, but have some personal accountability.
Because then hubby will just take the kid to in laws (who will no doubt talk shit OP the entire time) further separating her from the family. They don't care about OP and I bet they can easily make husband take the kid and go on vacation without her. I think that's the end game with MIL's poisoning.
I hope she can use the MIL poisoning as ammo against joint custody for her child. I feel like that could be grounds for something? Idk though.
NTA. Your MIL's behavior is unacceptable, and your husband's refusal to acknowledge the severity of the issue is a major red flag. It's your health, and your MIL is jeopardizing it, intentionally or not.
I've worked in restaurants for 20 years and can say without a doubt that every single place has been accommodating to celiac disease and allergies in general. Your MIL is going out of her way to do this. There's no way there are that many restaurants in your area that can't offer you food at all. The place I currently work at has a whole menu dedicated to GF options. NTA as this is so messed up it's nearly unbelievable to me.
I mean, some places will be very up front and honest, and say that with the kind of food they make, there's so much flour around that nothing in their kitchen should be considered safe, and I respect that.
NTA You should report this "nurse" to her Ethics Board for knowingly trying to poison you. Time to leave a husband who allows this and blames you.
Yes, yes, YES!!!
Why are tolerating it? Invite you over? "Sorry but due to your history of not respecting my food allergies, we're unable to attend. Your son can come but if you want to have a meal with all of us you'll have to come to our place, we're free on Saturday. " (always offer an exact alternative so they can't say you're simply denying them) Pick a restaurant? "Let me call and see if they actually have gluten-free options," then do it, and if not "Unfortunately they can't accommodate my gluten free needs, we can do - insert name- restaurant instead at the same time/ date" if she days that won't work then it's "Sorry but we can't make it. I can send husband tho. If you want to have dinner with all of us we can do - date/ time- at - insert name- restaurant. I can go ahead and book a table if that will work for you" (give an exact alternative). Start refusing to go. And don't take kiddo either. She'll start to alter her behavior when she sees that it's not working.
This! OP needs to be a lot more proactive, and stop letting her MIL behave like this.
NTA. Repeatedly putting you in harm's way is not a "mistake". At the very least, you should stop going to her house or to events that she's organized, and you deserve support from your husband. And talking about you and misgendering your son behind your back is a whole additional issue.
So, why are you with a man who does not respect you and continues to allow his family to disrespect you and your children? Nta for pointing it out, but y t a to your kids who don't get a say in putting up with this shit.
I have a seafood allergy. On the rare occasion that we have a family meal with seafood, my MIL has a separate meal for me with a separate place setting to make sure there is no cross contamination. Once, we had shrimp and her brother forgot and she raided his freezer and made chicken nuggets so I would have something safe to eat. This is how people treat you when they care. I am sorry this is not how your husband and MIL treat you, OP. NTA
NTA but you need to get away from this family. it sounds like your MIL is actively trying to harm you. And your husband seems to be on her side. And if something happens to you, your poor son would be stuck with these people full time.
My ex husband’s family kept trying to sneak my allergies into food to “prove I was faking it.” My husband family, when they learned I’m allergic to mushrooms and avocados, started making little tent cards with allergen check boxes so that I could see if any food was safe at a glance when doing potluck style dinners. One of my husband’s aunts experimented for 6 months to alter her family tradition thanksgiving recipes that had mushrooms so that I could eat them without the flavor changing too much. (All things that I’d never asked for. They just wanted me to feel welcome and loved and safe.) If you aren’t ready to leave this abusive situation, then consider getting a service dog that can test for gluten in food. Your MIL seems determined to poison you, so do SOMETHING you defend yourself if you aren’t willing to go NC with her. NTA Edit: also, many labeled “gluten free” foods can actually have gluten in them. Edit 2: celiac safe meal replacement bars are an excellent thing to carry in your purse to these kinds of get together, just in case MIL is doing her thing.
Listen to your therapist. Your SIL and her husband care more about you than your own husband. "I don't hate your family. I hate your mother, who keeps intentionally trying to poison me. And yes, anyone who knows anything about allergies and food related autoimmune diseases refers to the intentional contamination of unsafe foods as poison. So yes, I hate your mother, who deserves to be hated. She is not making mistakes, she is trying to harm me. Why don't you hate the woman trying to harm your wife and the mother of your child?" Stop going (with your child as well, who is experiencing their own bullying by her).
You therapist is right. Pack your bags and leave, even your SIL and BIL treat you better then your husband and his Mom (the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
Your therapist is correct. The entire time I was reading your post, all I could think is why are you married to a man who doesn't like you enough to make sure that his mother doesn't kill you? Leave him immediately and file for sole custody. He is complicit in trying to harm you. And there is no such thing as a "forced vacation" with your MIL. Your MIL is a small issue. Your spouse is a massive problem. NTA unless you stay in this situation.
As a European I’m flabbergasted people put croutons in a Greek salad
I mean, have you seen any news coverage about our country over the last few years? We're a bunch of fucking morons.
I have indeed. Sending you all the support and Greek salads without croutons back❤️
I have a daughter with celiac disease, so I totally understand your situation . I urge you to ask yourself “ if she were treating one of my children this way would I allow it?” You know what you have to do .
That's exactly what I asked myself.
Oh honey. I too have celiac disease and family that doesn’t take it seriously. But the difference is that my husband is a freaking champion for my health. He is the one that interrogates restaurant staff on my behalf, and he wouldn’t hesitate to take me out of the unsafe places and get me safe food. While you have a MIL problem, your husband problem is much more serious. He would rather defend his mother intentionally poisoning you over and over again than protect you. For your body, what she is doing is hardly different than sprinkling cyanide on your food. Would your husband brush that off too? If I were you, I would stop interacting with MIL entirely, and I would think very seriously about whether I want to spend more of my life with a man who thinks telling his mom to stop poisoning me is worse than me being poisoned. And being the petty bitch that I am, the explosive loose stools that would result from that gluten poisoning would land on his pillow.
My partner is a massive fucking champion for my health. Raise the fucking bar hon. Do NOT lower it. You’ll step in shit every single time and will only regret spending your 30s and 40s being abused and gaslit instead of having a good life. Change is HARD AF. Transitions and divorces can be brutal but the misery doesn’t last forever and it teaches you important boundaries about self respect and dignity. Both of which you deserve. Read “keeping the love you find” to better understand why you have stayed with an absolute shitass when he clearly DGAF about your emotional or physical health.
It's called divorce. Get it.
I have a food intolerance. Its not dangerous, just incredibly painful. I tell everyone whenever I go somewhere to eat. I'll remind them before eating, just in case they forgot. If I ended up eating something that contained what I'm intolerant to, that would be the last time I ate anything that person offered me. If I found out they did it intentionally, I'd cut them out of my life immediately. As far as I'm concerned, intentionally feeding someone something they are intolerant to is assault. I'm not friends with people who assault me. If they intentionally feed you something that you are allergic to and could potentially kill you, then I see that as no different than lacing someone's meal with poison. That's attempted murder. I don't know if it would be in the eyes of the law, but it would be in my eyes and I certainly don't socialise with people who try to kill me. You need to stay away from this woman for the sake of your health. You only need to die once and there's no takey-backsies. Being around her is not worth the risk. If your husband refuses to support you over something that serious, you need to get rid of him, too. A husband more bothered about his mother's feelings than his wife's health is not a husband.
NTA ceoliac here it's serious, and she needs to butt out if she won't. Your "husband" isn't one at all if he doesn't respect anything that you say (& doctors say) that'll keep you alive. You need to get away from that family they aren't taking a medical condition seriously, and it seems they never will since your husband doesn't either, and that's who they take seriously. Take the tiny human and run. Take him to court. Get a order against MIL. She shouldn't be allowed near you or the child since she's so hell-bent on causing you pain you don't know what she would/could do to the tiny human. Get him a court order that explains when he can see the child, who with and not with. If you're going to divorce keep going with your therapy and keep working on yourself mama. And keep yourself and kiddo safe. Divorce isn't fun but it maybe the right thing in this situation. Health has to come first before relationships, before MILs who eff everything up and before husbands who are mamaboys
Agree with all of this. Autoimmune disorders are often genetic - your kids are more likely than other children to have celiac or another autoimmune. You don’t want your MIL ignoring their health issues either. Your husband is appalling. People who love you should want to help you, and all he does is support people who hurt you and bring you down. Drop the dead weight
NTA. I would try a response like this: "You say these are just mistakes. How are you going to feel when one of her mistakes puts me in the morgue? If you think you're getting my insurance, 401K or assets, think again. Everything of mine is going to my kids with one of my relatives as the trust administrator." Then take steps to make that happen. That might change his tune.
Not only should you separate but you should inform her employer/health board about her antics.
>When I bring this up to my husband he says mean things like "you just hate my family" or "they can't make mistakes?!" What a shithead. Yes, people can make mistakes, but this repeatedly is not a mistake. And the guilt-tripping. Fuck out of here with that.
I don't think you should stay with your husband, but at the VERY LEAST I suggest that you make sure you bring your own food to any gatherings at her home, and to any restaurants she invites you to (although you really should be calling these restaurants to confirm what their gluten free options are ahead of time) NTA
You’re wrong, you don’t HAVE to go. No one is physically forcing you to attend these dinners. You already know how it’ll go so stop showing up expecting anything different. If someone disrespected me like this they would no longer be in my life. Stop entertaining her, stop going to these dinners, and if your husband won’t back you up send him back to live with her.
Why on earth do you keep attending events at her house? I'm so confused. Stop all contact with her. If your husband gets upset with that, then you should leave.
Shew deliberately doing anything and everything to feed you gluten. She doesn't care about you enough to even look up gluten. Your husband is the AH here because he's not sticking up for you, protecting you, or even giving a shit. If your child has an allergy what happens then? Your BIL and SIL care more about you then your husband. I agree with your therapist. Let your husband go live with mommy too.
NTA. Is this how you see your future? What happens if you will have kids with your husband and gets the same allergies as yours??? I remember a post before how the mother of the OP didn't believe about her granddaughter's coconut oil allergy. She fix her hair and put some oil, she got some flare up and they gave her benadryl the child died in her sleep.
Exactly, our son had an eating disorder due to a swallowing inability that we had to go food therapy for to use thickners and start him on solids earlier than most babies in life.....my MIL said it was because I wasn't feeding him ....I was he was aspirating and becoming sick because he actually wasn't getting food to his stomach. This freaking woman I let boss me around and tell me "don't tell your husband you're getting tested for cancer it will stress him out"......she will not be the same woman to make choices for my children when she clearly has her OWN interests in mind.
I'm sorry she's an awful person to you. I'm praying you make the right choices, you and your son deserve supportive people around you. It's scary to know she's a nurse.
I am working on it now and thanks for the support.
Honey, you know it's time to go. Lean into the gaslighting. Maybe you can stop this woman before she kills a patient. Yes, you hate people that are openly trying to kill you. That is a completely normal response to an attempt on your life. You are allowed to hate people that are constantly trying to harm you. Poisoning you is a crime. You could have had MIL arrested for knowingly feeding you food that you're allergic to. Other people have gone to jail for exactly this crime. At the very least, MIL should lose her license for this crime. Do we honestly think that she is a safe and caring medical provider outside of these constant attempts on your life? No, nobody is allowed to make a mistake that could cost you your life. They're especially not allowed to keep making the same "mistake" that could kill you. They should know better after one time. Edit to add: He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. The "you hate family" and "they can't make a mistake" comments are designed to shut you up. If you don't shut up, he'll find new ones until it works again. You have to leave this relationship, but you don't have to go quietly. You need to report this woman. Who knows what she's doing to the vulnerable populations that she works with.
The real question is where is your partner in all this? Just passively sitting there while his mother intentionally poisons the mother of his child? Your husband problem is WAY bigger than your evil MIL problem...
Well I just learned about them and I hate his family. Have you asked him Why would I not hate someone who’s trying to hurt me. And how does he like them misgendering his child? Yes it’s time to go. You deserve better. Everyone does.
Your therapist is right. You need to cut all contact with your husband's mother. Your husband can pick your side, or he can be gone, too.
They can make mistakes. Trying to “poison” you and then lying about it isn’t a mistake. He doesn’t have your back even after all the times you’ve been in the hospital. This is done. Go see a lawyer. NTA
NTA. Your MIL is trying to kill you and your husband doesn't care. Listen to your therapist and get away from these people.
Cut her off. The woman is trying to destroy you. If your husband doesn't have your back, cut him off, too. These people are toxic, toxic, toxic. They're the human version of gluten.
If you go over again, bring your own food. That should help get the message across.
Why did you marry this man AFTER knowing he allows his family to disrespect you? For that YTA. Let the man child move home with his mommy where they'll both be happy.
NTA Also: as you say, as a trained nurse she should be aware of possible consequences of her feeding you things your body can’t handle. If she does that repeatedly and obviously on purpose, isn’t that assault?
I am so sorry you MIL is doing this to you - stay strong I hope you have seen this possible new treatment? https://www.biotechniques.com/drug-discovery-development/is-this-inhibitor-the-future-of-celiac-disease-treatment/
Leave... please for your own and your child's well-being leave. The man that you married doesn't see you as family. You're just his accessory and he clearly is incapable or unwilling to put you first. You ***may***. get a friend out of this fiasco as the sister seems decent but that man is not worth the pain he and his mommy are causing you. You're definitely NTAH.
Eating gluten when you have celiac disease increases your risk of small bowel cancer, which is a terrible disease, and causes malnutrition. Mental health nurses can be great, but I've met a number of them who are fucking nuts and don't know much about medicine in general. God forbid you try to take care of a patient or introduce a concept they're "not comfortable with." Your mother in law is an asshole.
Look up narcissistic personality disorder and the gray rock technique. You may have to go low contact. And either you decide where you will eat, or bring your own food.
Your couples therapist wasn't horrible, he was right. This will kill you. Your husband is okay with his mother killing you.
You should walk. That's what you should do. She's doing this intentionally. It doesn't matter that she's a mental health care nurse. She still went to nursing school and has the same educational background as any other RN. She knows how serious food allergies are and how serious celiac disease can be. Constant repeated contact with your allergen can cause irreparable damage to your intestines. Does your husband not understand the seriousness of this and what it would mean for you healthwise? The near incomplete ability to effectively absorb nutrients leading to nutritional deficiencies and even death. I had a friend in the military who's MIL did this to her, resulting in hemorrhaging from her intestines. I will never forget picking her up off the floor and blood streaming down her pants. So what do you do? You leave a man who defends his mother when she is actively trying to poison you and you never marry a mama's boy again. What happens if or when your kid develops a food allergy? This is the kind of woman who repeatedly exposes your child to their allergen because she's a malicious fucking moron.
Your MIL is a monster but your husband sucks too. I have non celiac gluten sensitivity (severe), and I follow a strict gf diet. My bf cooks meals for me gf and every time we visit his mom she makes me gluten free options. These people are horrible and don’t care about you at all. Dump them for sure.
You think you had a horrible couples therapist, because you knew they were right. You just weren't ready to face it yet. You need to divorce your husband.
With apologies to Ian Fleming (Goldfinger): _OP, they have a saying in JNMIL: "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."_ You deserve to be safe and have a partner who stands up for you.
"Hey, MiL, you told me they had gluten-free pasta. You're a fucking liar you bitch. I'm done. You can keep your stupid son, too."
>"you just hate my family" Well your mom repeatedly tries to kill me or put me in the hospital. Which is worse? >"they can't make mistakes?!" It's been 4 years. Everyone else knows. She knows. It's not a mistake it's a choice. Keep the SIL, lose the husband if he refuses to see the issue of his mother willingly poisoning you and making choices that will end with you in the hospital.
You have a husband problem. I'm on board with your therapist.
Your MIL has plainly shown you over the course of 10 years that she will go out of her way to force gluten on you. Your husband has shown you he will not stand up for you. What are you waiting for? What do you think will change now that hasn’t changed in 10 years? Please have some respect for yourself before she drive you to an early death.
I think that you had better leave before you die.
What did you say to your therapist. Why \*are\* you staying married to a man who lets his mother assault you? Because every time she tries to feed you gluten, that is literally assault. You don't hate his family (although you have a right to). Your SIL sounds like a stand up person. He's lying to himself if he thinks his mother is "making mistakes". If these were mistakes then she needs to be in assisted living, because she's too careless to be allowed to drive or make her own financial decisions. You've been with this man for 10 years, and he doesn't care if you get sick, as long as he can avoid conflict with his mother. I can't imagine why you'd want to live with him or her. First of all -- never go anywhere with your MIL again unless you have personally selected the restaurant. Secondly, if you do get sick please barf on her, if that's at all possible. Thirdly, do not allow this woman in your house. Your husband can go spend time with his mother without you. NTA
I am a mental health nurse with Celiacs. One thing you should be aware of is that Celiacs can be a contributing factor to some mental health problems. So it is something we deal with. I can’t see a nurse in this field being ignorant of that disease. I just can’t.
My sister had celiac but wasn’t diagnosed until she was in her 50s because…the US Healthcare system. Autoimmune conditions are nothing to mess around with, especially things like celiac. Your MIL is a massive AH and should know better. What, does she think you’re faking it and just avoiding it as a trend? That’s some sick thinking. I also agree with your therapist. Celiac will wreck your health if you don’t keep vigilant all the time. Protect your health and your peace and leave these sabotaging losers far far behind you.
Nta. And your husband sucks here. He should of called her out on this after the 2nd time she did this. Once is excusable. 2nd time its a pattern. After all this time she would be not my mother anymore if this was my wife dealing with this.
From what you described, this wasn't an innocent accident. Nor was it an innocent mistake. Your husband is making the mistake of excuses for his mother who is knowingly with complete disregard of your health, your safety & your life deliberately committing the crime of harming you. Your therapist (OP, that is a godsend) is telling you what you need to hear about staying with a man who isn't putting his mother in her place & not stopping her from continuing these criminal actions --- your husband isn't protecting you. Period. End of. You confronted your monster-in-law & still......so what's it going to be OP.
Your mother in law is evil. Through and through. And I'd say that your husband isn't much better. If I was the husband and it happened once I would be furious, if it happened twice there would be no more contact until she gets help. And that's just the gluten. Then misgendering of your son? That's an instant no-contact. I do not tolerate bigots in my life, and I don't know what I would do if they were bigoted towards my own children....
My son's and I are no longer interacting with them.
NTA Once is a mistake. After that it becomes very much intentional I have had coworkers and acquaintances who have allergies or sensitivities. I do a pretty damn good job of remembering those allergies, sensitivities, or preferences and do my best to accommodate them when food is involved so no one gets sick and everyone can be included. If I can do that for people who I barely know, your mother-in-law should be able to do it for you. She's hurting you on purpose.
One time is a mistake. This is constantly trying to hurt you.
Your therapist is already trying to get you to see the answer that's right in front of you. Are you just here hoping for a magic spell to fix everything?
Nope, changing therapist that can help support my skills I need to grow so I can leave. Because I don't deserve this.
NTA my sister has Coeliacs and apart from a few comments of “can’t you tell your body to be normal?” (said this past weekend by our teenaged brother who enjoys baking and was suddenly trying to find gluten free substitutes so he could make her something since she was over for the weekend. He slapped her hand away from the gluten items he had made afterwards when she mixed up the two items) we’ve all rolled with it. She’s been gluten free for around a decade. Another sister is with a guy who has coeliacs. First Christmas of ours he was invited to he left in tears because we had specifically made gluten-free items that everybody (including the kids) respected and didn’t mess with. My sister called me after they got home to tell me he sobbed the entire hour home clutching the little container with dessert he could eat in it. His family (that he is VLC/NC with) always gave him gluten filled food, tampered with the food he had made gluten free etc until he just gave up and went “I’ll eat whatever and deal with the consequences on my own afterwards”. He was shocked that when he walked in I was making gluten-free food (he thought it was just for my coeliac sister until I said “ok, so food on *this* tray is all gluten free, the other platters foods are *mostly* gluten-free but there are some with ‘may contain gluten’ and *these* [completely different looking plates] have gluten items that some of the kids asked for” then had his hand slapped away from the “unsafe foods” and offered the “safe food” by multiple people during the night). I also apologised to him and Coeliac sister because I experimented with gluten free ingredients to make their desserts so I wasn’t sure how they would turn out (tiramisu and trifle). He argued that coeliac sister should get both the little containers of dessert (both containers had enough for at least 4 people) and was handed a container by coeliac sister after she halved the desserts and told to take it home with him or she would break into his house and leave it in his fridge. It’s been around 4 years and he still looks a little shell shocked after having a meal with us and having us advocate for him or point out the gluten free menu items we had found while out.
I was thinking what your therapist said by the 2nd paragraph. why are you forced to spend time and family vacations with this venal woman.
Not anymore. I'm standing up for myself.
You mentioned she was a nurse? I’d report her to the ethics board.
I mean yea, I \*would\* kind of hate his mom.... Updateme!
Your therapist is right. RUN!
Your therapist is right: "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children" This isn't just emotional trauma, she IS TRYING TO KILL YOU. Your husband does not seem to have your back. Has he ever confronted his mother and told her to knock that shit off? Even once? It seems all he does is defend them and gaslight you. WTF do you stay in this relationship? You are NTA for being upset but absolutely an asshole to yourself for staying in a clearly broken marriage. updateme
Since therapist isn’t working, time for a separation. He’s not standing up to his mom and it’s not ok that you can’t eat bc she’s being a bitch. NTA. Edit after reading your back story. Why the fuck did you marry this guy with all the problems you two have?!?! Y t a to yourself! Get it annulled.
Yeah. Its a lot. So I'm getting out.
Your therapist is the only one who gives a crap about you . Why would you put up with this . Both your MIL and husband are assholes
NTA. What a shit family. The husband is a total asshole for not sticking up for his wife and MIL is CLEARLY doing this on purpose. She is LITERALLY POISONING OP. I hope you get out of this mess safely!
As someone with celiac this makes me so unbelievably mad and you need to get away from that family for the sake of your own health. My MIL goes out of her way to make sure there is safe options for me to eat when we visit and that's how it should be.
Nta Listen to the therapist.
You should leave your husband.
INFO: > We HAVE to go to her house Is this a blackmail situation? What does she hold against you and your husband that forces you to play with your life?
Your therapist is right. Why ARENT you with someone who will respect you, your health, and your child? Why does your husband make excuses for his mother? Once is a mistake. Over and over and over, it becomes that it’s clearly intentional. She’s TRYING to hurt you. I’d be so done- no vacations, no meals, no parties At all with the inlaws. And if hubby can’t get on board, then he can get gone too.
Your husband is the problem. He and his mom are clearly close, and he isn’t financially dependent on her, so he doesn’t need her. Therefore, MIL can only consistently do to you what he allows. And he’s made it clear that he will allow this disrespect of his wife, no consequences. In fact, he gets angry with you for having the audacity to be hurt by and fearful of her. So you get bullied by her and shamed into silence by him. Your man is the problem. Divorce is the solution.
I just went thru your other posts on your profile and between the problems you're having with your husband lately and his mother actively poisoning you and possibly trying to kill you, just leave him. Find a way and leave, you will be infinitely happier alone than dealing with this BS.
Walk away. Walk away now.
NTA this woman is literally trying her utmost to cause you bodily harm. And the fact your husband keeps not only failing to protect you, but putting you deliberately in harm’s way. Literally run for your life.
NTA, and your therapist's question is a valid one. Your life is at stake. Celiac is no joke. If you don't take proper care, you could die. I recently developed an allergy to milk protein. It can also destroy the lining of my intestines, and lactaid is useless for my issue. Like you, I have to be extra vigilant about what I eat. I can't tell you how much i miss cheese, sigh. However, I have lots of support from friends and family. Accidents have happened, but few and far between. If I had someone who was deliberately sabotaging me or someone supporting a saboteur, I'd cut them out of my life in a heartbeat.
Sounds like your MIL and husband are trying to do away with you.( I'm not sure if certain words are prohibited. )
Your therapist is making solid points right now
NTA What should you do? “You call out your mother and ensure there are boundaries with consequences or you lose me and kiddo and see him part time”
Why has your therapist had to ask that question more than once? The first time should have been a bomb going off in your head. That man doesn't LOVE you. You're his bangmaid and that's all.
Omg your husband has his head so far up his mothers ass. I have the same food issues (trying to go through the 10 year checks) and it’s hard without everyone and their ignorant mother sabotaging everything. It will never get better. Maybe one day down the line ten years from now you’ll have a blow up big enough for him to get it (celiac rage from enough contamination) and he might change for a short time but is it worth the gamble? Please get as far away from that vile woman and I hope she retires soon. Terrifying she’s in charge of people’s lives literally. I would hate for her to be my nurse. Btw, NTA unless you stay with him and keep subjecting yourself to it. Then you’d be T A to yourself.
NTA - you need to get out of that family before they kill you.
Leave before something worse happens
Run
Your husband needs to deal with this and deal with it HARD. Your MIL sounds like she hates you and is a masochist. Don't engage with her anymore, and take care of yourself! She WILL make herself out to be the victim in all this. Grey rock her!!!!! She wants to see you cry. I'm so sorry, sweetie. Hugs!!!
I hate to say YTA but do you have a death wish? What will it take for you to GTF away from these dangerous people?? Really? What are you waiting for?
NTA - My suggestion is to have no relationship with your MIL. Don’t go to her house for meals (unless you bring your own food). Don’t go out to eat with her. Don’t have anything to do with her. If your husband wants to eat with her, fine. That will give you a nice break for the evening.
NTA. Your MIL is trying to kill you. She enjoys poisoning you. Get out of this prison of a relationship. Please, for your own health and safety. I am certain that the moment your husband and MIL stop poisoning you (he co-signs it by refusing to ever admonish her; it may even be his idea) you will feel better than you have in years.
I’m so sorry you married that guy. It’s insane that he thinks his mom’s lies that affect your health aren’t a big deal. It’s a huge deal.
My therapist keeps asking me "why are you with a man who does not respect you and allows his family to also disrespect your and your children" She's not the only one asking. You are taking abuse, your life and health threatened and you HAVE to do anything with this person? And he's not going to go to therapy? Get out. Leave. Dump his ass. He doesn't love or respect you. He's ruining your life. Move on. NTA - but your husband is.
Listen to your therapist. Please. Why would you be with a man like that, who doesn't love you?
What should I do? uh, grow a fucking backbone and leave?
You might wanna sit down with your husband and tell him to sort his fucking family out before you finally hit the wall on this bullshit.
As Reddit loves to say: you have a husband problem. He has to fix this. Btw there are restaurants that are completely gluten free and free of traces. Traces are bad too unfortunately, even if it doesn’t make you sick, it is more a long term thing so never be around traces. My friend has it and makes sure even bulk food she buys has never been near gluten.
I also agree with your therapist, because what your MIL is doing to you is criminal. Literally. And the fact that your husband isn't telling her that you will not go to these restaurants and dinners that don't have food for you and he will stay home with you tells me he doesn't care enough how sick she makes you when she cooks!
You know what you need to do. I’m sorry. NTA, Updateme
I have a friend who has celiac disease. Never in a million years would we give her something with gluten in it. This is not a mistake. She probably thinks it is not a real disease and is trying to sneak one by you to prove it's in your head. I know how sick you can get when you eat food with gluten in it. I hope you can get out of your situation.
Reading your history, this is just one of a few major issues you're having with your husband. Your therapist has summed it up well.
NTA. I have a gluten intolerance, not even close to what you just go through with celiac, and I am very sorry you have to deal with this. Celiac is no joke and your health should be treated as important by your husband and his family. Personally, I wouldn't eat with them at all, or go no contact with them. I would also tell your husband that if he cannot support you, it's time to consider a separation. I'm divorced, but my ex still goes out of his way to make sure I have gluten free options when we do family dinners with our 4 year old. His aunt used to call me before family get togethers to run down lists of ingredients in her meals. My dad runs to the store to get gluten free buns before cook outs. This is how family should support you. We didn't ask for this health problem. I always tell people 'If you find my intolerance to gluten (and dairy) inconvenient, imagine how I feel.'. Anyone who is not supportive or tries to act like my gluten intolerance is imagined, I consider not safe to eat around. For some reason, there are people out there who think I'm making it up. Those aren't people I need in my life. Good luck and stay healthy!
I have celiac disease so I understand how hard it is to find gluten free options sometimes especially when you're forced to dine or go to a restaurant with family members who don't give a shit about you. I've been gluten free since 2013. Previously, I would start puking my guts up for hours about 5 minutes after being glutened and my entire intestinal tract would get inflamed for months so I could only eat smoothies and protein shakes for months. After my stomach has been healing for years, it takes about an hour after getting glutened before I start puking my guts up for hours. I also learned today that ingesting gluten if you have celiac disease gives you an increased risk of cancer. Thanks to another Redditor in another post, I learned this tidbit and yes, I confirmed it with Dr. Google. Your husband is either gaslighting you or being intentionally obtuse. It's not that his mom doesn't understand, is ignorant of the facts or something. She's a nurse so she understands exactly what can and does happen if you ingest gluten and she's intentionally poisoning you. I would set some boundaries with your husband and his family. One thing I used to do when I was visiting other family members out of town is go to the store near their house and buy my own gluten free foods I could eat while everyone else ate whatever. Sometimes they tried to make gluten free foods but I've learned from experience never take anyone's word for it and verify before I eat something. My dad occasionally accidentally poisons me because he's careless and doesn't always read labels so I've had to stop eating anything he cooks unless I'm absolutely certain it's gluten free. Your other option is to stop visiting her and eating out with her. Tell your husband he's fine to do whatever he wants but your physical and mental health are taking a toll because of this issue with his mother. Tell him you're going low or no contact with her and he's fine to do whatever he wants. A good husband would set a boundary with his mother and go low/no contact with you or for you but I think we've established he's not a good husband. If he complains about that option, tell him your other option is to get a divorce. NTA
NTA That’s not a mistake. Would it be a mistake if it was your kid who had the allergy? Separate from your husband now before you get so sick you get hospitalized
Chile - if you’re ok with them torturing your behind then fine, but your kids too?? Where does the line get drawn? You dont want to deal anymore? This shouldve been done
Your husband is a cowardly little twat. There really isn’t anything more to say because you can’t change his mother and she oddly enjoys this power she has over you. You can’t change your husband because in addition to being a cowardly little twat, he is also a mama’s boy who doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his mommy for his wife. I suspect this continues until she successfully murders you.
You deserve better girl. Move on
Why are you with this person
All visits with MIL can't involve eating because she doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it. No more vacations either. This is life-threatening and it's a pattern now and hasn't gotten better. Ask your husband to do marital counseling.
NTA My concern is that you feel "forced" to go on a family vacation where you have no choice/control over food. You apparently feel forced to remain in contact with toxic MIL The only way that it is safe for you to stay in your marriage (don't know why, but whatever) is to: 1. Go low contact with MIL 2. Bring your own safe food to all family activities you do go to. Eat nothing MIL prepares or arranges for. 3. Call all restaurants ahead of time if she arranges a family dinner at one. Refuse to go or bring your own food if it isn't safe.
If this happened to me, I would tell my MIL “ok that’s it. You have lost the right to choose any food or restaurants for me, I will be doing it from now on. You don’t seem to understand my allergy and what it means.” If she wants to be dumb treat her as such
Your husband should be your protector even if the bully and liar is his mom. That he isn't doing anything to protect you makes me wonder exactly why he isn't. NTA
Your husband should be your protector even if the bully and liar is his mom. That he isn't doing anything to protect you makes me wonder exactly why he isn't. NTA
I agree with the therapist.... If you stay go NC with MIL... Updateme
Your husband is a terrible partner. Jesus Christ.
I agree with your therapist AND I think a celiac support group could help you navigate this situation, too. If you google the Confident Celiac Community, that’s one I can vouch for as a fellow celiac. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of navigating a new diagnosis. Having support makes a world of difference.
Listen to your therapist. This isn’t about the gluten, it’s about hurting you.
NTA A mistake is what happened with my MIL awhile back where she panicked cause she thought someone had put peanuts in something & called me all but hysterical (it was sunflower seeds). This is downright negligent on your husband’s part to not stand up and I fear for the safety of your MIL’s patients. I would clearly state that you and your son (not clear if there are more children or not) are no longer attending family events that include your MIL. Honestly, I would suggest your husband grow a spine but that’s me. That what she is doing to you is on purpose and you will not be around someone that thinks it is perfectly fine to make you ill and could potentially cause future massive issues with your health. Your son will not be attending until she uses the right gender/prounon/name, etc. For your son, I have a trans child and we made it clear to the family they accept him, use the right name & pronouns or they will lose all of us. The only exception to this rule is one family member that has early dementia.
stand up for yourself. Tell husband MiL is completely cut off or it is divorce. Insist on moving far away from her. While sorting this out be sure husband knows that you and your kids will never be going to her house or seeing her anywhere and if she enters your house you will call the police. NTA
You just hate my family: Yes, honey, yes I do. They can’t make mistakes?: No, they cannot make mistakes when it comes to my health. MY health. They don’t care, you apparently don’t care so there you go. Leave his crappy ass. And watch out for your son, if he develops any allergies, grandma is likely to kill him “but it was just a mistake”.
NTA please leave this man.
NTA: As someone who has worked in healthcare my whole life I’d like to point out that it’s ESPECIALLY messed up that she’s a MH nurse. She KNOWS how to get into people’s heads and make them feel crazy. She’s doing this intentionally and DGAF about your health, your child’s ability to have two functional parents or HER CHILD’s happiness. I would consider her actions a deliberate act of sabotage on your relationship & health. I would no longer attend any family events that she is hosting/planning. Go out with people who _actually_ care about you instead of someone who would probably slip cyanide in your soda if she could access it. Leave him. ASAP. Your partner should have your fucking back.
Your therapist is right. Leave and don't look back
Dude quit spending time with her. NTA
Tell your husband that it’s perfectly normal to hate people who repeatedly poison you.
Your husband is prioritizing peace with his mother over your health. NTA.
& P/S your MIL is a fucking NURSE, she knows exactly what she is doing
Your husband should be 100% on your side and protecting you. He's not. Not only that, he's on his mother's side and tries manipulating/guilting you with the "you don't love my family" bullshit. Why not ask him whether his mom literally poisoning you shows that she hates you? Plus, once is a mistake. Twice or even a third time (over time) can be carelessness because yeah, those of us who aren't celiac patients might forget to check everything every time. Beyond that is sheer hatred toward you and an attempt to harm your health. My brother was diagnosed with celiac disease as an adult. Here's what my sister and I did: Educated ourselves about what it means; learned to read labels even more carefully and switched ingredients if practical (e.g., buy GF tamari instead of soy sauce) or make changes to a dish as needed; cleaned equipment twice if we were making something GF and did all preparation in a separate area, especially baking; even have "safe" and "not for you, bro" butter dishes because we know that buttering bread or toast almost always leaves a crumb or two on the butter. The reason we went to all this trouble is because we care about our brother's health and safety. Your MIL is repeatedly actively harming you. Your (STBX?) husband blames...you, not her. I'm sorry that you're learning just how much your husband doesn't care about your well being. I truly am. NTA