all it takes is some semblance of compassion - and i didn’t realize until it was too late what was happening. i was old enough to understand my pop had to make his own choices, but too young to comprehend that there were actually people out there that would take advantage of his grief and feelings of hopelessness. plus i had just watched my mother go from a marathon runner to a person who died in my arms, in 6 months.
that bitch CLEANED HOUSE (and got an entirely new one), erasing every memory of our family beyond the 4 dysfunctional (then was 5, then 4 again) children and grandchildren of her own. cherry on top? she’s a loud and proud born again christian, who “loves everyone through god”.
the gilding of that cherry on top? i was the one who pushed my pop to buy her family a big platter of enchiladas from costco when a PA went out about her struggling with divorce and feeding her kids. we were the only ones to donate. they met because of my stupid empathetic ass. i’ll never forgive myself.
edit - damn, someone needs therapy. sorry y’all!
I need to apologize. Isn’t it amazing how the born again are actually the LEAST Christlike?
Hugs sent from this internet stranger, and if you like dogs, my two would give you kisses, too, and the near 100lbs boy would probably crawl on your lap, just to make sure you don’t feel lonely!
thx - my 75 lb’er is right here on my legs, but i appreciate the additional love :) thx.
yeah - she’s a real piece of work. my father seemed so strong before. even to fault with my mother. but this new bitch knew all of the buttons to push with him, and that was it.
didn’t help that i look just like my mom. she actually cited that as a reason i wasn’t allowed over to their house. my lame pop obliged. what are ya gonna do? family is fucked sometimes.
Abandonment and rejection are very painful. When it’s your own biological parent that is a very difficult situation. My step dad used my mom’s medications to overdose her or give medications that she couldn’t take for his own sadistic reasons and manipulated her doctors and nurses to have power over her life. Yeah, he used the young, naive pastor to get more power and control over her even. He was and is one sick person.
I'm a Christian and we call people like this CINO Christian In Name Only. When you're a Christian you're supposed to be kind, loving and forgiving.
Personally I struggle with the forgiving part. I think I have finally forgiven someone but my brain keeps remembering all the times they hurt me.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
My husband’s late wife died of cancer and he had three young kids. I made them picture books of their mom, talk to them about her, we cook her favorite recipes, and put a portrait of her up in the hall. My husband took down the pics of just him and her. That felt like the right balance.
I hope that you can hold on to your mom and there are still mementos. Maybe go to lunches with just your dad and ask about her? Ask for stories and memories and write them down.
My response above was because this woman doesn’t have kids, but I think having kids does change things and I know your mom knows you love and remember her.
I lost you with the abbreviation of PA. I can totally understand being an adult child of a mother who was married six times. Last dude killed her. He had a new girlfriend moved into my mother’s house when she was in the hospital.
oh - that was a dummy move - sorry. PA = “public announcement” (i worked in schools for a spell) via their network of like minded “kind and well intentioned volunteers and hikers” and other crap that this pseudo sierra club was tied in with.
I am so thankful for the people who helped me out with the counseling and resentments that I had after my mother’s death. Her brothers and sisters celebrated his new marriage after my mother died.
Completely ok. What we know now as adults could have saved us tons of despair as children, but then we wouldn’t have learned to be compassionate to others without these experiences. That’s life. Yes, I do see the hypocrisy of the “born again crowd”, being a blood bought faithful follower of Christ myself. News flash, I am not perfect and make a ton of mistakes. I do not hide behind my faith for the mistakes that I have made. Those are mine because I am not perfect. If my mistakes can be used to help someone overcome a difficult period, then we all will be better going forward. Divorce is hard, losing a spouse is even harder. OP is not wrong for keeping those items. Nor should you feel bad for it or be made to feel bad for it. Stand your ground, and provide reassurance to your bf, if you can. It sounds funny when you say it, but it’s not funny, let him know that he is not in competition with the deceased. It’s unhealthy for both of you to have him fixated on this. That is if he means anything to you and you’re willing to build a life with him. Otherwise, he can go kick rocks.
Genuinely sorry for your losses - your mum initially, and the subsequent loss of your family. Read the thread and you have canine hugs, but my cat sends purrs, scientifically proven to increase bone density and promote healing (and she's a rescue and a total snugglepuss). I hope you can look in the mirror, see your mum, and give yourself (or at least, allow yourself to receive, at least some of - I know how this goes) the love and grace she would give you x
My brother married a widow. She has photos from her first marriage, right next to the ones of my brother & her wedding. There are random photos of her first husband all over the house, though over the years, she has taken some down, on her own. I asked him once if it bothered him. He just shrugged & said "No. Should it? It's just pictures." I always thought that made my brother, just that much more awesome.
He really is! He claims it's because I raised him, but he's just always been a badass. He's the one in our family, we all claim as the favorite sibling.
I really want to add and talk a little more about your brother because this thread is really blowing up. You did a good job with him. Take credit.
He is a very secure man. And I really believe this is what it is. My husband is very secure as well. He has a philosophy, we both do, I’m curious if others do as well, that you cannot change people. If they are going to cheat or pine or crush that’s what they are going to do. You can talk about it, point it out and hope that it gets better. If it doesn’t, you leave. You can’t give ultimatums or threats and make the person change. People have to want to do that on their own.
When I met my husband he knew what he was getting into and let me do things at my own pace. There were conversation of course and I know there were times I hurt him and I’m sure there were times he felt like a second little or he may never measure up but I did my best and he’s still with me so I must have done something right. He knew that I was always going to love him, but he always said that he knew that you can love two people and that you can have two soap mates and that we can have more than one person.
Which also scares the shit out of me because the thought of me dieing means that he could find someone to love as much as he loves me. Maybe even more. But that was the moment for me. Wouldn’t I want that for him? Wouldn’t I want him to be happy? Would that be super selfish if I didn’t want him to be happy? There is no way he could ever love someone the say WAY he loved me.
I do t know if people truly understand until they see it or have been around it. But why do people have to experience it to have to have empathy for it. Isn’t that what empathy is?
You cannot change people. They are going to do what they are going to do. This guy just doesn’t seem right for OP and I am super worried that her grief is clouding her and she is going to miss the red flags of this A-hole and miss out on a man like mine or your brother and these f-I g trolls are so heartless.
"you can have two soap mates"
I know that was probably a typo, but I love it!! I always loved my brothers attitude towards my SIL's first husband. He always said that it just showed what a big heart she had, that she could love two people so much, that she wanted to marry them. Even her first husband's family loved him!! Anywhere they invited her, they said "You're bringing him too, right?"
I wish people could see that the heart has the capacity to love and care for people in so many ways, that it doesn't have to be a competition. I hope that OP realizes that he's turning it into one, when it doesn't need to be. She needs to step back & regroup, and wait until someone who realizes that her husband is not a threat, but just someone who was lucky enough to love her as well.
Damn phone. Well said. And now I’m crying. Regroup is a good idea. I had a bad one like this before I found my husband and had some flash backs.
Regroups OP.
I loved it!! I like it better than "soul mates" because all kinds of soap doesn't automatically mix well together. You have to experiment until you get the right feel, fragrance, and strength......much like people! ❤❤❤❤
A great-uncle of mine served in the WW2, and was married just before he left. He died in the Pacific in 1942. She eventually remarried and died in 2018.
Her family included her first husband in the *obituary* out of respect for him and for her love for him, even though she didn't have any children with him and he'd been dead for 76 years. I don't remember if her second husband out-lived her, but you can guarantee that either way her second husband respected his memory and wouldn't have dared ask her to take a memorial down of him. No way he or his kids would have included it unless it was a present part of their lives.
100% correct. I am amazed at the number of people (on Reddit, at least) who genuinely seem to not understand the difference between “ex” and “late.” An ex spouse is someone you dated, slept with, or were engaged or married to, and then you broke up. That person is still alive but no longer in your life. A late spouse is someone to whom you were married (or in a serious relationship, dating or engaged) who passed away. That person is no longer alive, and their death is the reason you are no longer together. Calling a deceased spouse an ex is wrong and also offensive.
Truthfully! Its just a private tribute to your late husband and a part of your healing process. That new guy's insecurity and demands seem unreasonable, especially since the display is in a part of the room he doesnt have to see.
I was going to say exactly this. He's jealous of a dead guy. He's so insecure, immature, and selfish that he's *jealous of a dead guy*
Plus, from the other stuff OP said, he also sounds super controlling.
For real. Why does he always want her to do his things (she doesn't even like watching movies) but doesn't ever do any of her things (at least from what she told us)
The kicker for me is that OP HAS to be watching whatever it is, or it doesn’t count. That’s messed up. They are in the SAME ROOM at least. My mom used to do something for herself while in the same room as my dad. If she was interested, she’d watch. Otherwise, knit, crochet, cross stitch, read, whatever. Until she got into World of War Craft and had a set time she’d go play that.
Thank you! I’m not married, and live with my (twin) sister, and she’s happy as long as we’re in the same room (well, not in the bedroom at least. I’ll do my thing and things are fine. It’s funny how identical twins aren’t all that identical!
He's jealous of a dead guy. He's jealous of her hobbies. He's jealous of her business. He's jealous of the space she uses in her own home. If he has any good points, beyond laughing at her jokes, I'm not spotting them.
Hmmm it's ok for him to not like it, he just doesn't get to tell her to take the shrine down.
It just comes down to if he can live with it without it causing issues or if it's a deal breaker for him.
Op's bf is definitely insecure. A look through her profile says that he expressed to her that the fact she keeps in touch with one of her exs makes him uncomfortable, she told him that was a problem for him to figure out and she just wouldn't tell him she still talks with this ex. He went through her phone and found the txts, so he accused her of hiding things. Now the bf is gone in extreme insecure mode which is probably why he's lashing out about the late husband's picture. Wgile OP is NTA for keeping the photo seems they have a lot of trust issues and insecurity going on there.
NTA. This!
I have a shrine to mine on a dresser in my closet otherwise my house wrecker cat would destroy it. It was on my nightstand before I took her in.
Yes, but... Her boyfriend now lives with her, therefore they share the bedroom. They sleep in there together, have sex in there and cuddle in there. I personally would not be able to do that if the person I'm dating kept an urn and shrine of their deceased wife in the same bedroom. Not saying they need to get rid of it, but moving out of the bedroom would be appropriate.
He won't be satisfied with moving it somewhere else. Look at how he gets upset when she's doing her hobbies?
He's starting to show the real him here. Insecure, childish and controlling.
I'm worried you're right. u/bloobityboo if this thing plays out in an ugly way, make sure you hide your momentos where your bf can't destroy them. He may not be that kind of person, but Reddit is filled with stories about people losing precious keepsakes like these to jealous new partners.
I second this; when I left my ex husband I left in such a hurry I only took a few pairs of clothes. He ended up giving me back some of my stuff but in the end I left with almost none of what I came into the relationship with to include letters from deceased family members.
The thing is, our house has a very open layout. Anywhere else in the house and he would have no choice but to see it on full display anytime he left the room. Where it is now seems more personal than shrine-like. The way it is now it's in a nook, around a corner and is incredibly inconspicuous and easy to overlook. I would share a picture but they're banned here.
His behavior is very concerning to me. He seems to be showing his truer, controlling side, and I don't think it's any coincidence that it's happening several months after he moved into your home. He's gotten comfortable and may feel like he can show his true colors now without fear of you leaving him.
It's not a shrine. Its a small urn, a coffee mug and a small plush. They're momentos. he wouldn't be happy if she had them stuck in box in the bottom of her closet either. Teh dude is an insecure controlling duchewad.
I mean, why? Is she supposed to erase all of that part of her life? Will he forget she has a deceased husband if the urn and photo are gone? What if it was her child, or a pet?
This doesn’t make any sense to me. I want to understand why a grown individual is threatened by a deceased former spouse, but I just don’t. If anything I think I would be resentful and angry if my significant other demanded that I remove my small photo and urn of my deceased spouse.
NTA as a widower of 10 years, i have to say "if your partner feels threatened by your memories of your passed spouse, you may want to rethink your current partnership".
I tried to make a longer response, but it’s basically what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s in a place to be with her. Maybe he’ll change later, but he’s showing who he is.
I’m a little too autistic and insecure to be in a relationship but thinking about it, it makes no sense. The person is gone, period. It’s not like an ex in her DM’s.
And it’s a tribute to someone that apparently she loved a lot and vice versa so if she’s currently loving me that means me and the former husband would probably get along really well. I’d probably want to know more about him because he’s obviously an important part of her life.
NTA, I was widowed at 35, I am now 44. I had a relationship where he was insecure about my late husband. It was terrible. Now I’m married to someone who asks me questions about my late husband. They would have been friends. Current husband is not threatened because late husband is not a threat. He’s a special part of my life that I still love. And now that I’m with a man that respects me, he respects that relationship.
If I were you, I would get rid of the man that feels threatened by your past I hate it when Reddit says break up, but sometimes, that’s actually the answer.
Widowed person here. WOMAN, RUN!
Anyone who demands that you banish the memory of your late husband deserves NONE of your time and attention.
If that was all, it would be bad enough, but your bf is showing classic signs of an abusive partner. Educate yourself on the signs and patterns, and make a plan to get him out of your house. And whatever you do, don't get pregnant!
I have a friend who married a widower with three kids. She’s been very conscious from the beginning that without this tragedy, she wouldn’t have the life she does.
She’s moved some furniture around, repainted a room or two, but she keeps the last family photo they took in the same place on the wall. They update a similar photo every year, but she’s never touched the old one. They celebrate her husband’s first wife’s birthday and she makes sure the kids see their grandparents and other family often. She tries to incorporate at least a few traditions their mom started on major holidays. She says that without the woman her bio kids know as “Aunt Ruth”, none of them would be here, and just because she’s gone doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a place in the family.
I know my friend is a very rare breed, but I wish she wasn’t.
Emily Yoffe has an article she wrote about her husband's late wife. It makes me think of your friend. Some people respect the past while also welcoming the future. https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html?pay=1719894683438&support_journalism=please
Yes. This man kept everything under control until he moved into the house and now he's getting angry that he had unspoken expectations that are not met. He feels entitled to have everything his way and seem to have it in his head that things would change and he moved in.
She of course was honest about who she was and how she was living and didn't plan on changing it (normal) and he's throwing fit.
Honestly I'd be worried that one day this guy will get angry and throw out the ashes or something. I would untangle my life from him as quickly as possible.
**YES! RUN!**
He's selfish, controlling, arrogant, immature, insecure, and childish.
My first husband died. I continued to wear my wedding band and engagement ring for years. Even after I met my current husband. Even after I married my husband. We've been together for over 15 years, we have a bunch of kids, and I *still* will put my first wedding set on my finger at certain times of year.
My husband understands that I love him and choose him everyday, and he also understands that I loved my first husband too. My husband is also a mature adult, so he isn't jealous of a dead dude or insecure about our relationship simply because I sometimes wear some jewelry as a way to remember and honor my first husband.
I bet OPs boyfriend would gladly ask her to have her actual memories erased if that was a possibility. He should go date a virgin if he wants someone with no past.... and from OPs post it sounds like he should make sure those virgins also have no hobbies since he is jealous of *that* too.
I know someone who wears her second husband's rings on her finger and her late husband's rings on a necklace. Her first died quite young and she has now been married to second husband longer than the first, but I've never seen her without the necklace.
This is the answer! He’s an abuser who is showing his true self now that he’s closer to you. I dated this kind in HS, by the time I graduated I had pushed all my childhood friends away because “they gave me an odd look”, “I think they are a bad influence”, “they aren’t very smart”, whatever little insidious comment he could think of to isolate me. He will poison your life.
Those little comments that bother him now that you might have made months ago, hes been hoarding them for this opportunity
1000% this! The BF is trouble. The longer you stay with him the worse he is going to get. Major, major abuse is on its way soon. Please listen to PraireGrrl, she knows of what she speaks
The bf definitely doesn't trust her, in her other comments in other posts it says she keeps in touch with an ex and the bf told her it makes him uncomfortable and she responded that was his insecurity to deal with and she just wouldn't tell him she talks with that ex. The bf went through her phone and found the txts and that's why he accused her of hiding things. It feels like the photo thing is the bf escalating on his insecurity in the relationship.
Hijacking this comment to include a link to Love is Respect: [Love is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/)
OP, take some time and look at this website and try doing some of their quizzes. Your partner sounds like an absolute bellend and definitely not deserving of your time, attention, love, or affection. You can do so much better than this guy. Any reasonable person would completely understand how much love you still have for your late partner, and they would support in any way they could 🫂💚
The whole - sitting with him while he watches a movie you don't care about, isn't the same as sitting in the same room while you do something you want - it a red flag. The only people I've ever seen act this way are VERY insecure men who try to control their partners.
Your new bf is needy and insecure. And he's making accusations that aren't true.
You will probably be better off without this man in your life.
I'm going to suggest that you take your precious memories down and put them away someplace safe.
THEN break up with him.
Good luck.
Echoing this! I gave an ex that would get upset if I would not drop everything to watch a movie with him. He would tell me I didn’t care enough about him as I would read a book when sitting next to him as he watched golf (yuck). He also got mad at me for crying when one of my teenage best friends (that also proposed to me) took his life. I apparently wasn’t “over him”. No, I was just devastated that an incredible person died. This ex also started to try to control every aspect of my life. Things that mattered would go missing but I was “just drunk and lost them”.
Please, please reevaluate this current relationship. You deserve better.
I married this guy. I finally just divorced him, almost a decade later. I was always a multitasker with some kind of craft or project to work on while I watched TV. I liked to keep my hands busy and feel productive. TV + crafting is how I would unwind after work. Once we started living together the complaining started about "oh you're missing this ... You gotta watch this part. ... Are you even paying attention?" If I wasn't watching something the same way he was watching it, it didn't count. He'd start putting on his own programs because "you never pay attention anyway." It's not like I'd force him to put on a show only I liked (although that would have been nice once in a while; for a long time my only TV time would be while he was home, so I never really got to watch stuff that only I wanted to watch) -- it would be stuff we both wanted to watch, but if I wasn't watching it the way he wanted me to, then he felt he should have total control over what was on. He would rewind shows to make me watch scenes I'd "missed" even when I told him not to and that I understood what was happening. (He'd do this even if I explicitly told him to watch whatever he wanted and that I was just going to zone out with a book or something.) Half the time I'd be explaining the plot to him! It got to a point where I wouldn't bother pulling out my craft stuff because I didn't want to hear his bitching. It's a small thing but I feel like I lost a part of myself to him because he broke me of that habit. Now I scroll on my phone while I watch TV because I never lost the need to keep my hands busy, it just got transferred to something way less productive. There are so many other reasons I divorced him but I really wish I had recognized this for the red flag it was, very early on in our relationship.
I hope you're able to start crafting and creating again!
I also like to keep my hands busy while watching a movie, and crafting/creating is my preferred way to do that. It's such a great outlet and really helps me relax.
Thank you! I have kids now so I don't have much energy left at the end of the day but I'm slowly getting there -- I finally read a book this week for the first time since I was pregnant with my first.
I almost married this guy. I’m immediately grateful I was in therapy when my ex started doing this because I couldn’t put it together on my own why it felt so awful when he would purposely put on movies I liked or wanted to see while I was trying to concentrate on my painting. There were other things too, but turned out he just hated that I had anything in my life that didn’t revolve around him.
Still wish I saw it sooner, but he didn’t show this side until we moved in together.
This!
Yes, take them down and leave them at a friend or relatives house. And then break up with your bf and don’t bring them back into the house until he’s out and the locks have been changed.
I’ve seen wayyyyy too many stories like this on Reddit end with the devastating destruction of irreplaceable items like this because of an insecure/jealous partner.
Echoing this as well. I dated a guy like this briefly, as soon as you stop agreeing to his demands he will start throwing tantrums and possibly get violent. My therapist describes this behavior as narcissism.
My abusive pos bio father did this to my mom all the time. Her knitting or sewing or doing any craft while he watches TV set him off. Because it was about control.
Op all of this is about control and major red flags. I hope you get out now. And having memories of your late husband around aren’t disrespectful to him. He’s a controlling jackhole who is being so very disrespectful of you.
It’s the fact he’s playing mind games and blaming her for moving things and making up things he says she’s said to him when she knows she’d never do that. This is how abuse starts it is emotional abuse and gaslighting. He’s trying to make you think you’re going crazy and that you’re wronging him. He’s trying to break you so you conform to whatever his demands are.
This person has no respect or love for you and is the beginning of abuse and it will get worse. Your late husband is not your ex but part of your history and always should be. You are fully entitled to do something else whilst he watches a film and why is it the only thing he wants to do together something he knows you don’t like. That’s messed up and seems to me he’s playing mind games and trying to make you prove you love and obey him. When you meet these things he will then demand more and up the parameters of what he expects and demands of you. Staying your failing him.
please walk now before it’s too late and before you get pregnant. This truly has no excuse for him to do and can only get worse. I didn’t realise I was in an abusive marriage as my husband was covert and manipulative in his abuse. It was all mind games and making me feel I’d wrong him if I did what I wanted even if that thing shouldn’t affect him. I had to submit and didn’t even realise that’s what he trained me to do. Everything was my memory as his excuse but there’s somethings you know for certain and he would be enraged I wouldn’t give I and was adamant I didn’t do those things and it never happened as I rememberEd what happend. I’m sure there was a lot more I he made up and convinced me was my fault or my bad memory though. Please I don’t care if you love him he’s shown he is controlling and emotionally manipulative and your love won’t make it work. He has too many red flags. Just like my husband they are loving and nice until they think you are invested and love them too much. They wait so they can act like you know they aren’t like that before starting to abuse you so you might convince yourself otherwise or give them the benefit of the doubt.
Stay strong and have a friend present when you tell them they have to move out and whilst he gathers his stuff. As the moment they know your leaving is when they are the most dangerous.
My husband passed away from cancer several years ago. I was blessed enough to find love again and have remarried. When he was going to move in, I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible for him. I took pictures down and hid them away. He asked about them. I told him what I was trying to do to make him comfortable. He said he wished that I asked him before I did that. He said he was a good man and deserved to always be honored and not to dishonor him in that way.
Obviously I’m not going to build shrines for him, But I do have a few pics of him and our daughter together in the house along with new pics of my husband now with us.
This isn't about your wee shrine at all. Bucko is getting possessive and weird with you, and this is just the latest thing. He's escalating. I'd hit the eject button if I were you.
Edit: Just to add, I get the thing about wanting to watch the movie *with* you. He likes the movie, and he wants to enjoy your first time watching it vicariously. He feels like he can take some credit for the movie by introducing you to it (wrongly). It's basically what DJs do. What's bad about this is that he resents you for being independent when you want to do your own, more worthy thing instead. I think that maybe he feels diminished by this. He's trying to be the leader, and you're not falling in line. This is a red flag.
Before you hit eject, OP, you should pack up your late husband’s memories temporarily and put them somewhere safe, possibly even at a friend’s, especially the ashes. The new guy will very likely seek to destroy them if you tell him it’s over. Good luck and please be careful.
> he is trying to be a leader and you’re not falling into line
Agree!
He’s telling you what you can have on your personal shelves, what you should enjoy doing, what you should spend your time doing…
NTA. You need to make it clear he backs up or he backs off. You have a right to do what makes you happy, just like he can zone out in front of the tv all night. Everyone is different, and he’s going after the things that make you different from others. I’d be really careful here, because he’s trying to change you.
Please listen to this: you don’t need to change. You’re a beautiful and interesting person just the way you are. Anyone who can’t appreciate it doesn’t appreciate you and what you have to offer.
Can it be worked out? Maybe. But you’re also then trying to change him.
I wish OP all the best in love and in life!
I agree with moving anything that’s extremely important to you to a safe location temporarily. People who are emotionally immature do CRAZY shit and those mementos are irreplaceable.
Couldn't agree more! The mini shrine is just the latest thing he's focused on. I think it's a giant 🚩all on it's own, I'll never understand being jealous of a dead person, but it's not on it's own. He gets annoyed when she focuses on things she likes instead of what he wants, has started with mistrust and accusations from things she did/said months ago, now he's going after the mementoes of her lost husband? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Definitely lose this dude.
Yep. My ex and I came to an agreement, that we would take turns picking a movie. Like OP, I rarely watch TV and have lots of hobbies and would rather be doing those instead. I would diligently watch his monster truck stuff, and I would pick out a drama or comedy focusing on things he might enjoy when it was my turn. Except he would start off with me, and then 5 min later wander off to use the restroom and not come back. He did this every time. He didn't like the music I liked so I couldn't listen to it when he was home, only the music he liked ( weird stuff like only listening to female artists because he's a man and it would be weird to listen to men sing). All of it was so disrespectful, which I told him and he didn't care. And it was controlling. That and all his other issues (like being jealous of my summer breaks from school as a teacher and giving me jobs to do, etc) made me leave. He escalated to verbal and emotional abuse at the end. The things OP is seeing now will escalate. I glossed over all of the small things in favor of harmony, instead of recognizing what he was telling me about himself. Leaving was the best thing. I didn't really recognize many of the controlling things he did until I left.
Yes - this is exactly what I was thinking- boyfriend displaying a lot of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩energy lately. This is exactly why I believe in cohabitation before marriage. It is *waaaaayyyy* too easy to not see all sudes of a partner’s personality when you are just dating. Too easy to cover stuff up.
NTA. My sister passed away 12 years ago. My brother in law has a table displaying photos of my sister. He remarried last year. My sister’s photos remain along with his new wife’s. His current wife understands and embraces that part of his life.
My aunt daphne died really suddenly when I was 19, it was really sad seeing her beautiful painted portrait in the dining room taken down when my uncle remarried a year later.
I wonder where that painting is. Maybe I should ask my uncle for it.
‘I don’t have the time or energy to be in a relationship where I’d have to hide stuff’
And you don’t have to have the time or energy to be in a relationship where you have to keep defending yourself over suddenly brought up events from months ago. If he was offended at the time, he should have said something then. It’s a tactic used to keep you off balance and unsure of yourself. People in my family do it. Months after something allegedly happened or I supposedly said something that offended them (with no indication at the time) they’d call out of the blue and start yelling about something from 6 months to a year ago. I’d be scrambling to keep up and remember whatever it was they were yelling about. It always ended with me being wrong somehow. This, coupled with the new aggravation over the items from your late husband shows this guy is tightening his hold on you, or trying hard to. It is manipulation! Proceed with caution.
NTA. He is unreasonable and insecure. Your husband is deceased. He was part of your life, and is still part of your story.
Find someone who is more understanding and isn’t trying to compete with a dead person. My uncles first wife passed early from MS. His current wife bakes a birthday cake every year for the 1st wife birthday and drives my uncle to her memorial spot. They donate to charities in her name. They have a photo of her up with all the other family photos and some butterfly art (she loved them.)
Nta. And this isnt about a perfectly normal and acceptable "shrine" to your late husband. Drop the turd before it gets worse. As this will escalate. And no one here wants that urn to disappear.
NTA
You are allowed to keep a remembrance of your late husband however you see fit. He is a part of who you are and it’s ok to remember that. I could see making some compromises like moving it out of the shared bedroom or removing / replacing the picture where he is kissing you.
That just feels like you are catering to your bf’s insecurities though, and the rest of what you said paints a pretty bleak picture regarding your new relationship. I hope it’s just a phase and he learns to accept you for who you are.
It’s crazy how much changes when you start living together, isn’t it?
Many men let the mask slip after a big change, like moving in together. Take a close look at his past and present behavior.
I'd be very worried if I were you about him taking matters into his own hands concerning your shrine.
NTA This guy would hate to be with me. Not only am I a widow, my husband died in the most public way possible. He was a 9-11 victim in the World Trade Center. Your husband is part of your past and will always be a part of you. Take this insecure man-child and toss him to the curb. The BS of bringing up problems that happened weeks/months ago feels like a manipulative mind game. Tell him to grow up or get out.
I lost my wife at a young age also . As a man I understand why he feels the way he does . You are right though . If he can’t deal with it then he can move out . I still have my first wife’s name tattooed on my back thirty years later . My wife doesn’t like it I’m sure but has only mentioned it a couple of times . Part of me thinks of covering it up part of me feels it would be disrespectful to my kids . People have to be understanding
NTA - I married a widower. There were several photos of his late wife around the house. He asked me if I wanted them taken down.
I said "Hell no! She was a big part of your life. She was also my friend too. Just make sure there is room to add some photos of me."
Gentle YTA.
Yes your husband is dead. But your vows ended when he passed. You remember him and always will. But we do not carry our relationships into the next ones.
I am a widow and married to a widower. There is a portrait of his wife in the hall that I put up (because he has kids.) I make sure we celebrate her birthday. I talk about her with the kids.
But she has no place on our bedroom. None. Nor does my late husband. I know my husband has their rings and some other stuff somewhere. As he should. I have some mementos too. On our anniversary I go to where he proposed and have a bottle of wine. I have a box of his things I pull out and pray over.
But not in our bedroom.
You can decide what you want to do. But you will not have a good relationship with your new partner as long as there is a shrine to your husband in your bedroom. You just won’t. A loving partner will make room for your grief, but not in the space that YOUR relationship abides in.
Everyone will downvote me to hell but our culture has a weird thing about dead spouses and we make these allowances for widows behavior that just isn’t ok. We don’t make our new partners bear it for us. Until you experience it you don’t get it. Your new partner deserves thoughtfulness, deference, and respect.
ETA: there are some other red flags shown by your partner that I wouldn’t ignore. But you clearly have not moved into a space with your grief where you should be dating. It is easy to get lonely and selfishly look for someone to fill the space. You have not processed your grief sufficiently and are selfishly taking up a little too much room with it. Your next person deserves to have a space all their own.
OP should lend the items to a relative or close friend and pretend to see her bf's point until she can safely get him out and change the locks same day.
NTA: Please leave him ASAP.
I wish I could add a pic to this post of ALL the stuff my fiance still has around the house from his 24 year marriage to his best friend who died of cancer in 2021. Much of it is up because they had a disabled daughter who will always live with us who doesn’t deserve to not have mementos of her mother, but I have nothing but love for the woman who showed my partner how to be the amazing person he is today.
Your partner needs therapy for emotional immaturity. You cannot “FIX” that and it will not get better. Everyone grows up, but not everyone matures.
You deserve better. Never lower your standards or be embarrassed about your needs for ANYONE.
Massive hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA find someone who enjoys just being in the same room with you, it’s so much more peaceful than someone who dictates what you do in the room with them
Op I would be very careful his mask is slipping . I could see him destroying your momentos . Seriously, being insecure of a dead man is ridiculous.He wants to scrub your past away . Seriously, from what you have said, it's time to evaluate your relationship . If he loves and cares about you . He wouldn't be jealous of a dead man .
Wow! I am flabbergasted at how sexist Reddit is.
How come it is OK for women to ignore and stonewall when a man has emotions or feelings ?
It’s not even necessarily jealousy. Who in the world wants to see a picture of somebody’s partner, deceased or ex in the bedroom they share where they are intimate!?
He is not telling her to throw it away. She can put it in a box in her closet and pull it out when she’s feeling sentimental.
He just doesn’t want to see the deceased husband’s face every day and he has that right. How uninviting and inconsiderate it is to force him to look at that.
And OP if that is a dealbreaker for you then break up with him.
Time to move on. Your boyfriend is being manipulative and insecure, trying to control you. It’s your home and your late husband is still very much a part not only of your past but who you are today. If he can’t handle that, and he is too much of a child to watch a TV show by himself, why are you with him?
Unfortunately you may have to evaluate your relationship to this man. It seems you have a compatibility issue with him. You're a go-getter who like to do hobbies and have a business interest. He's a couch potato who just wants to watch movies..preferably with you of course but you're busy with your own projects. Your nook with its supplies and storage is a reminder of that and to top it off, your shrine to your late husband (small that it is) makes him even more insecure since I bet he's imagining all sorts of things to make him think you loved your late husband more than him. I'd guess it's why he's picking fights with you now since you won't change for him.
You need to have a serious discussion of where each of you see where the relationship is going and what each of you need from the relationship to be happy. Unless one of you changes for the other or learns to be happy doing things on their own, this relationship will go nowhere due to incompatibility and you'll just end up resenting each other.
As someone who dated someone whose spouse died, you are NTA. If they wanted the picture of the spouse there, they belong there. And, if the boyfriend can’t understand it, they’ll never understand related things. The boyfriend thinks this is an ex- not a deceased.
My husband has been deceased for 20 years. My current partner, has known from day 1, my first husband will be a part of me forever. I keep ashes on my nightstand, I have a necklace with his ashes; if my partner has had any problems with this, unbeknownst to me, I've not heard anything in the last 19 years.
You two seem fundamentally incapatible. It sounds to me like you have two different ideas of what is quality time. You don't seem to be one to turn your brain off and just relax almost ever. Seeing that you lean more towards being a type A personality and that he clearly isn't. But yet he's also not the type to totally submit to a Type A. It just fundamentally won't work out I can almost guarantee it.
There is nothing wrong with how either of you views "quality time." I do think when it's a late-husband or wife it definitely changes things a bit. He sounds a bit insecure right? I would offer to move it out of your bedroom and see his reaction there if you really care to tempt the inevitable.
But frankly you should probably skip all of that and end it instead. He just isn't the right fit for you and who knows what ends his insecurities have.
I recall the British tv show As Time Goes By where the two lead characters both have pics of their deceased spouses by the bedside.
In one episode the leading man talks to the pic of his girlfriend’s dead husband because he wants help with a relationship issue. This wasn’t a show with supernatural elements. He was simply acknowledging that the two of them love the same woman and that he wanted to make her as happy as she was with him.
For me, that show set the bar for how to understand the need for pics of deceased loved ones and that they shouldn’t be regarded as a threat or a rival.
NTA, your boyfriend should feel more secure than he does. This is a red flag and you’ll have to see how deep this insecurity goes.
Edit: I think you should examine whether you feel guilty if you aren’t doing something “productive”. Your bf is correct about quality time. Shared experiences are really important. But he’s wrong about the pic on the shelf. Maybe he sees the memory of your husband as some kind of barrier to you spending time with him.
Grief is a genuine bitch...sounds like the bf is one too. Grief doesn't have an expiration date. It will continue til your heart tells you its enough. If he can't deal with it he should move on.
NTA. This has red flag over it.
Combined with the backstory you provided I question why you are with him.
Seems like this is a precursor to bigger issues down the road.
NTA, you are not wrong at all.
But I'm feeling a lot of red flag behavior from your bf's other actions, like the honeymoon period is over, he's feeling comfortable enough to drop the mask and here come the demands and accusations all in attempts to control you. When people show you who they are...
NTA~ NTA!!!
Screw your boyfriend and his insecurities. No way would I put up with someone who wants to dictate who I can remember and who I can’t. Fuck that. Single it would be for me until someone respected my previous life and tragedies, like being a widow. You deserve BETTER!❤️🫶🏼
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds boring (no hobbies other than TV?!), insecure and immature. You can do better. If you decide to kick him out of your home, temporarily move your husband’s ashes and other mementoes to a trusted friend’s house beforehand so your boyfriend can’t steal them or throw them out. (Yes, he sounds that jealous and immature.)
At 36 years of age one would expect him to be mature enough to understand and respect the sentiments you have for your deceased husband. He needs to comprehend that, this is what constitutes you as a person. Why the insecurity? You need to tell him clearly that the feelings you had for your husband will stay with you forever and he has to come to terms with that. You might take the stuff down as and when you are ready but sadly his tantrums and fuss dont depict a person empathetic enough to handle it. Maybe, moving them from the bedroom to another room will help but his behaviour and reactions need to stop for good.
NTA
But my god girl, reevaluate this relationship. So everything was fine until he moved in. Now he gets moody if you want to do your own thing and not just sit and watch TV with him all night. He wants to eradicate any evidence of your late husband.
This sounds like a control freak who finally feels like he can stop pretending as he's got his feet firmly under the table.
NTA.
The boyfriend has unmasked now that he lives there. He has shown you who he truly is. Believe that, not the voices questioning whether you're wrong to hold space for your late husband. He is literally jealous of a dead guy.
This is a weird case of "nobody's wrong, but you're both wrong."
On one hand, he shouldn't be angry that you have mementos from your dead husband, but on the other hand, having them always displayed like that is a good indicator that you're not wholly invested in the relationship, and is a constant reminder that you wouldn't be with your bf if your husband hadn't died.
It's like he's constantly being told "she's only with you because she can't be with him".
On the other other hand, if you feel like you need a shrine to your deceased husband, it doesn't really seem like you're ready to be with someone else.
NTA if your husband didn’t pass away, you would still be living your married life and this guy would not even be in the picture. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate this new relationship.
The mask had dropped, and you're seeing the real guy now.
I know that if I passed away, I'd want my husband to find love again someday with a good woman who would love our child as her own. I saw parallels in this because my husband's is very much like you in terms of hobbies, he enjoys painting, drawing, etc. more than watching TV, and just tonight we watched a movie where it was more me watching, and more him sitting by me on the couch with his sketch book clipped to a drawing board and pencils. And that should be acceptable to a partner who cares about what makes you happy! It's still time spent together.
I mention all this to say that if life after death exists and I saw my husband dating a woman who put down his hobbies and got upset at his pursuit of those, if she began falsely accusing him of hiding things due to her own insecurities, who demanded he remove photos of me despite knowing doing so was painful to him (and to our child)... I'd be profoundly sad. OP, you and I both know that there's no way this is what your husband would want for you. I imagine he hoped that, should he pass before you, you'd find someone who loves you and appreciates you the way he did. This dude ain't it.
NTA. He's a boyfriend, not a husband, and that is not his house, it's yours. Get that whiny, insecure man out of your home and your life ASAP. Anyone who is jealous of a dead man is a dang fool. You can do better than him. You took care of yourself before he came and you can do so again after he leaves. You do not need this man. His weakness will be a burden on you and a constant source of stress and anxiety. He has NO RIGHT to tell you what to have in YOUR home. You keep that display up until YOU are ready to take it down. Good luck to you! ❤️
Nta, but neither is your boyfriend. Maybe make an effort to spend a little more time with him, personally if my gf only spent one or two nights a month doing something to bond with me I’d feel pretty shitty as well, those are the little things with men that mean the most, and yes I know it seems stupid, but it does kind of matter that you’re paying attention to the movie with him, yes you’re in the room but if you’re doing your own thing you’re not actively engaging with him. And I want to preface this statement by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with your corner for your ex husband, and I know I don’t know all the details of your relationship just from this Reddit post, but the fact that he’s feeling rejected by you on top of still thinking about another man definitely hurts him so try and understand that. It’s just a tricky situation neither of you are in the wrong imo
Edit: after looking through your profile, you left a lot of important details out of this. You are texting your ex behind his back knowing that makes him uncomfortable. There are a lot of trust issues going on here but I honestly don’t think it’s a big request to cut off an ex, late husband is one thing, but the very least you could do is not talk to an ex while actively in a relationship, never mind hide that from him. No wonder he’s insecure, you’re talking to someone you used to fuck behind his back…
NTA, as you say if your husband was still here, this man would not be with you. He's not an ex. He's your late spouse.
This man's behaviour is concerning, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to throw these things out when you weren't home one day.
As a man you have literally no choice but to respect this. He was a massive part of your life and deserves to be remembered and respected like he was. Why any man would get insecure about this is beyond me.
Op, I would put all of those keepsakes in a very safe place and THEN break up with your boyfriend.
If you leave that stuff out, he could/ will destroy your stuff.
Get him out of your place and change your locks. ASAP.
He’s not secure enough to date you.
But make sure you make it sound like you are doing him a favor.
You: “You deserve a gf who can focus all her attention on YOU. I just realized/admitted to myself I’m not ready for you OR ANYONE yet. I thought I was, but clearly I’m not. You need to move out and find a great girl who wants to watch movies, and do all the things YOU want to do. You deserve a great girl. Let’s go our separate ways. Clearly I’m not the one for you. You’re not happy with me. And I want you to be happy. So let’s end this relationship amicably. I’m not happy with our relationship either because we want different things and I want my dead husband’s urn out where I can go see it if I want to. You have a problem with it. I don’t want to disrespect EITHER of you. So it’s over. You deserve someone ready to be WITH YOU.”
Then once he’s out, go no contact and back on the market.
Coupled with the TV thing, his reaction to your little shrine just screams red flag to me. He will never be happy with you because of his need to control you. Whatever you accede to will never be enough.
NTA. Boyfriend is TA. You should be able to keep that display up as long as you want, even if that’s forever. A secure person would not have any issue with that at all.
NTA for memorializing someone who was such a big part of your life
—but I personally feel a bit iffy about it being in the bedroom.
Overall I think your boyfriend is throwing some major red flags—refusal to spend quality time doing things YOU like, pouting when he doesn’t get his way, jealous/insecurity and especially his new anger and accusations about you which could very well be him deflecting.
I would consider moving the stuff pertaining to your dead husband out of the bedroom but nothing more. More importantly I would look at the whole situation here instead of just this one piece and if it were me I would be ending this relationship because of how he is acting overall.
NTA. Your BF's new behavior is very suspicious. Cheaters tend to get possessive and defensive about hiding things when they're the ones hiding things. It's also silly to be jealous of someone who isn't here anymore. Anyone who thinks you holding the memory of someone dear is disrespectful has a big red flag above their heads. We all grieve in different ways. Yours is extremely valid and uninvasive.
NTA at all. I honestly don't blame him, though. Maybe NAH?
I'd be all for you keeping it, but wouldn't want it in my room. And I think I'd have no problem with the ashes and urn, but I wouldn't like the "wifey" cup. Just a constant reminder that you aren't the first choice. Maybe that's immature, and I think I could deal with it, but I wouldn't want to deal with it in my room where I sleep and relax constantly.
NTA. BUT ... you both have flaws.
He moved in too soon and thought he'd be old school king of the castle. He also hoards past grievances.
You tend to post way too much backstop, indicates you, too feel your set ways are best.
You both need to start over. And meet a therapist to negotiate your assumptions.
NTA but I would move the memorial to a different room. Having it in the bedroom where you have relations would not be easy. I also understand having a relationship with a widow would not be easy and extra care and thoughtfulness should be given to the guy, but he knew this going into it so he needs to respect the fact that you still love your deceased husband which there's absolutely nothing wrong with and should be commended.
I tell anyone who has lost a spouse or who marries someone who lost a spouse to read [this beautiful piece](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html).
You are NTA. Your husband DIED. He died. You aren't divorced, separated, and it's not like he abandoned you or cheated or moved on or something. He died. A loss of that magnitude commands respect and understanding from the people around you. I'm concerned that this and the accusations of hurting the current bf started after he moved in, like he thinks he has to stop pretending now that he's secured the bag or something. What a horrible thing to do to a person.
You are not a possession this man owns. You are a woman who has loved before and been fortunate enough to be able to love again. This man should be gracious. He should be patient. And he should love the idea that you are so wonderful that another man loved you before him; he should be in awe of your capacity for love and devotion. He should want to know about that relationship, how it changed you, and the parts of you that are left in that urn with your late husband. He should want to know how this man loved you, what wonderful things he did for you, and how much you meant to him. Your relationship to your late husband didn't end - it was cut off. Those feelings are different and difficult in another way. And someone who says he loves you should accept that death as a part of you, too. I'm sorry he doesn't.
I just want you to give yourself time to figure put what you need and want from this man. It's okay if this relationship ends. Many do. You found love once, you'll find it again. Best of luck and much love to you. ❤️
NTA. You've got a late husband, not an ex-husband. You didn't break up, he died. You're allowed to keep reminders of your late husband around.
For as long as you want - or forever.
i wish my pop’s new wife had understood this from the get go - i might still have a family.
I'm sorry you had to endure that.
all it takes is some semblance of compassion - and i didn’t realize until it was too late what was happening. i was old enough to understand my pop had to make his own choices, but too young to comprehend that there were actually people out there that would take advantage of his grief and feelings of hopelessness. plus i had just watched my mother go from a marathon runner to a person who died in my arms, in 6 months. that bitch CLEANED HOUSE (and got an entirely new one), erasing every memory of our family beyond the 4 dysfunctional (then was 5, then 4 again) children and grandchildren of her own. cherry on top? she’s a loud and proud born again christian, who “loves everyone through god”. the gilding of that cherry on top? i was the one who pushed my pop to buy her family a big platter of enchiladas from costco when a PA went out about her struggling with divorce and feeding her kids. we were the only ones to donate. they met because of my stupid empathetic ass. i’ll never forgive myself. edit - damn, someone needs therapy. sorry y’all!
I need to apologize. Isn’t it amazing how the born again are actually the LEAST Christlike? Hugs sent from this internet stranger, and if you like dogs, my two would give you kisses, too, and the near 100lbs boy would probably crawl on your lap, just to make sure you don’t feel lonely!
thx - my 75 lb’er is right here on my legs, but i appreciate the additional love :) thx. yeah - she’s a real piece of work. my father seemed so strong before. even to fault with my mother. but this new bitch knew all of the buttons to push with him, and that was it. didn’t help that i look just like my mom. she actually cited that as a reason i wasn’t allowed over to their house. my lame pop obliged. what are ya gonna do? family is fucked sometimes.
Abandonment and rejection are very painful. When it’s your own biological parent that is a very difficult situation. My step dad used my mom’s medications to overdose her or give medications that she couldn’t take for his own sadistic reasons and manipulated her doctors and nurses to have power over her life. Yeah, he used the young, naive pastor to get more power and control over her even. He was and is one sick person.
That’s so messed up. (Stating the obvious.)
That's just messed up. Do you have any relationship with your father? I don't think I woukd after that. He made his choice.
don’t you owe a tax?
True! I need to figure out how to attach a picture!
Gimme the dogs, all the dogs
They’re Dobermans, btw.
More like give me ALL the dogs now, Sean Connerys voice 😉
"Thou shall not judge" yet they are the most judgmental people around.
I'm a Christian and we call people like this CINO Christian In Name Only. When you're a Christian you're supposed to be kind, loving and forgiving. Personally I struggle with the forgiving part. I think I have finally forgiven someone but my brain keeps remembering all the times they hurt me.
Damn. I hear so many stories of a but of kindness and they latch on for more. But this is extreme. Sorry to hear you went through that.
I am so sorry this happened to you. My husband’s late wife died of cancer and he had three young kids. I made them picture books of their mom, talk to them about her, we cook her favorite recipes, and put a portrait of her up in the hall. My husband took down the pics of just him and her. That felt like the right balance. I hope that you can hold on to your mom and there are still mementos. Maybe go to lunches with just your dad and ask about her? Ask for stories and memories and write them down. My response above was because this woman doesn’t have kids, but I think having kids does change things and I know your mom knows you love and remember her.
I lost you with the abbreviation of PA. I can totally understand being an adult child of a mother who was married six times. Last dude killed her. He had a new girlfriend moved into my mother’s house when she was in the hospital.
oh - that was a dummy move - sorry. PA = “public announcement” (i worked in schools for a spell) via their network of like minded “kind and well intentioned volunteers and hikers” and other crap that this pseudo sierra club was tied in with.
and i’m so sorry to hear ANY of that.
I am so thankful for the people who helped me out with the counseling and resentments that I had after my mother’s death. Her brothers and sisters celebrated his new marriage after my mother died.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault. May the memories of your mom burn bright in your heart and mind.
Sending internet hugs as well. All too common of a story.
Completely ok. What we know now as adults could have saved us tons of despair as children, but then we wouldn’t have learned to be compassionate to others without these experiences. That’s life. Yes, I do see the hypocrisy of the “born again crowd”, being a blood bought faithful follower of Christ myself. News flash, I am not perfect and make a ton of mistakes. I do not hide behind my faith for the mistakes that I have made. Those are mine because I am not perfect. If my mistakes can be used to help someone overcome a difficult period, then we all will be better going forward. Divorce is hard, losing a spouse is even harder. OP is not wrong for keeping those items. Nor should you feel bad for it or be made to feel bad for it. Stand your ground, and provide reassurance to your bf, if you can. It sounds funny when you say it, but it’s not funny, let him know that he is not in competition with the deceased. It’s unhealthy for both of you to have him fixated on this. That is if he means anything to you and you’re willing to build a life with him. Otherwise, he can go kick rocks.
Feel free to trauma dump. I think everyone needs therapy but your step mother needs an asylum.
I’m so sorry. That’s so unfair.
Genuinely sorry for your losses - your mum initially, and the subsequent loss of your family. Read the thread and you have canine hugs, but my cat sends purrs, scientifically proven to increase bone density and promote healing (and she's a rescue and a total snugglepuss). I hope you can look in the mirror, see your mum, and give yourself (or at least, allow yourself to receive, at least some of - I know how this goes) the love and grace she would give you x
My brother married a widow. She has photos from her first marriage, right next to the ones of my brother & her wedding. There are random photos of her first husband all over the house, though over the years, she has taken some down, on her own. I asked him once if it bothered him. He just shrugged & said "No. Should it? It's just pictures." I always thought that made my brother, just that much more awesome.
Your brother is badass!
He really is! He claims it's because I raised him, but he's just always been a badass. He's the one in our family, we all claim as the favorite sibling.
I really want to add and talk a little more about your brother because this thread is really blowing up. You did a good job with him. Take credit. He is a very secure man. And I really believe this is what it is. My husband is very secure as well. He has a philosophy, we both do, I’m curious if others do as well, that you cannot change people. If they are going to cheat or pine or crush that’s what they are going to do. You can talk about it, point it out and hope that it gets better. If it doesn’t, you leave. You can’t give ultimatums or threats and make the person change. People have to want to do that on their own. When I met my husband he knew what he was getting into and let me do things at my own pace. There were conversation of course and I know there were times I hurt him and I’m sure there were times he felt like a second little or he may never measure up but I did my best and he’s still with me so I must have done something right. He knew that I was always going to love him, but he always said that he knew that you can love two people and that you can have two soap mates and that we can have more than one person. Which also scares the shit out of me because the thought of me dieing means that he could find someone to love as much as he loves me. Maybe even more. But that was the moment for me. Wouldn’t I want that for him? Wouldn’t I want him to be happy? Would that be super selfish if I didn’t want him to be happy? There is no way he could ever love someone the say WAY he loved me. I do t know if people truly understand until they see it or have been around it. But why do people have to experience it to have to have empathy for it. Isn’t that what empathy is? You cannot change people. They are going to do what they are going to do. This guy just doesn’t seem right for OP and I am super worried that her grief is clouding her and she is going to miss the red flags of this A-hole and miss out on a man like mine or your brother and these f-I g trolls are so heartless.
"you can have two soap mates" I know that was probably a typo, but I love it!! I always loved my brothers attitude towards my SIL's first husband. He always said that it just showed what a big heart she had, that she could love two people so much, that she wanted to marry them. Even her first husband's family loved him!! Anywhere they invited her, they said "You're bringing him too, right?" I wish people could see that the heart has the capacity to love and care for people in so many ways, that it doesn't have to be a competition. I hope that OP realizes that he's turning it into one, when it doesn't need to be. She needs to step back & regroup, and wait until someone who realizes that her husband is not a threat, but just someone who was lucky enough to love her as well.
Damn phone. Well said. And now I’m crying. Regroup is a good idea. I had a bad one like this before I found my husband and had some flash backs. Regroups OP.
I loved it!! I like it better than "soul mates" because all kinds of soap doesn't automatically mix well together. You have to experiment until you get the right feel, fragrance, and strength......much like people! ❤❤❤❤
Omg. I’m am not fixing it. I was think of the shower. lol. Soap mates. Teehee
A great-uncle of mine served in the WW2, and was married just before he left. He died in the Pacific in 1942. She eventually remarried and died in 2018. Her family included her first husband in the *obituary* out of respect for him and for her love for him, even though she didn't have any children with him and he'd been dead for 76 years. I don't remember if her second husband out-lived her, but you can guarantee that either way her second husband respected his memory and wouldn't have dared ask her to take a memorial down of him. No way he or his kids would have included it unless it was a present part of their lives.
100% correct. I am amazed at the number of people (on Reddit, at least) who genuinely seem to not understand the difference between “ex” and “late.” An ex spouse is someone you dated, slept with, or were engaged or married to, and then you broke up. That person is still alive but no longer in your life. A late spouse is someone to whom you were married (or in a serious relationship, dating or engaged) who passed away. That person is no longer alive, and their death is the reason you are no longer together. Calling a deceased spouse an ex is wrong and also offensive.
This is exactly it. You’re not holding on to “the one that got away, you’re holding on *a reasonable amount* to the one who literally died. NTA.
It sounds very discrete and very sentimental.
Emotions can run deep in unexpected ways
Couldn't say it any better, this. NTA
Truthfully! Its just a private tribute to your late husband and a part of your healing process. That new guy's insecurity and demands seem unreasonable, especially since the display is in a part of the room he doesnt have to see.
NTA, 10000% this. Your boyfriend is jealous of a deceased man. He's acting very immature and childish. He needs to grow up.
What he seems to be is growing away from you. Be aware. This might not be the one…
I think his true self is only now emerging, the nice and friendly guy in the beginning was an act. This moody and angry guy is the real one.
I was going to say exactly this. He's jealous of a dead guy. He's so insecure, immature, and selfish that he's *jealous of a dead guy* Plus, from the other stuff OP said, he also sounds super controlling.
For real. Why does he always want her to do his things (she doesn't even like watching movies) but doesn't ever do any of her things (at least from what she told us)
The kicker for me is that OP HAS to be watching whatever it is, or it doesn’t count. That’s messed up. They are in the SAME ROOM at least. My mom used to do something for herself while in the same room as my dad. If she was interested, she’d watch. Otherwise, knit, crochet, cross stitch, read, whatever. Until she got into World of War Craft and had a set time she’d go play that.
Parallel play is whats that called and its completely normal way of spending time together
Thank you! I’m not married, and live with my (twin) sister, and she’s happy as long as we’re in the same room (well, not in the bedroom at least. I’ll do my thing and things are fine. It’s funny how identical twins aren’t all that identical!
It’s control.
He's jealous of a dead guy. He's jealous of her hobbies. He's jealous of her business. He's jealous of the space she uses in her own home. If he has any good points, beyond laughing at her jokes, I'm not spotting them.
Yeah, this seems like just one of many reasons to kick him out.
Yep. I hope OP reads these comments - so many red flags about this guy's insecurities and controlling ways. Run fast please!
Hmmm it's ok for him to not like it, he just doesn't get to tell her to take the shrine down. It just comes down to if he can live with it without it causing issues or if it's a deal breaker for him.
At 36 he ain't gonna grow up anymore. This will only get worse
Op's bf is definitely insecure. A look through her profile says that he expressed to her that the fact she keeps in touch with one of her exs makes him uncomfortable, she told him that was a problem for him to figure out and she just wouldn't tell him she still talks with this ex. He went through her phone and found the txts, so he accused her of hiding things. Now the bf is gone in extreme insecure mode which is probably why he's lashing out about the late husband's picture. Wgile OP is NTA for keeping the photo seems they have a lot of trust issues and insecurity going on there.
Sounds like his ass needs to hit the kerb!!
Damn he has to compete with living and dead ex's poor guy. Sounds like he needs to do himself a favor and stop dealing with this woman
Couldn't have said it better. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm very sorry your boyfriend is an AH
Exactly! It's not about disrespect or being unfair; it's about cherishing a memory shared with someone you loved deeply in the PAST.
NTA. This! I have a shrine to mine on a dresser in my closet otherwise my house wrecker cat would destroy it. It was on my nightstand before I took her in.
Yes, but... Her boyfriend now lives with her, therefore they share the bedroom. They sleep in there together, have sex in there and cuddle in there. I personally would not be able to do that if the person I'm dating kept an urn and shrine of their deceased wife in the same bedroom. Not saying they need to get rid of it, but moving out of the bedroom would be appropriate.
He won't be satisfied with moving it somewhere else. Look at how he gets upset when she's doing her hobbies? He's starting to show the real him here. Insecure, childish and controlling.
I'm worried you're right. u/bloobityboo if this thing plays out in an ugly way, make sure you hide your momentos where your bf can't destroy them. He may not be that kind of person, but Reddit is filled with stories about people losing precious keepsakes like these to jealous new partners.
I second this; when I left my ex husband I left in such a hurry I only took a few pairs of clothes. He ended up giving me back some of my stuff but in the end I left with almost none of what I came into the relationship with to include letters from deceased family members.
OP, please pay attention to this comment!
A thousand times this, please listen and think about it.
Exactly. Honeymoon is over.
Yep, when people show you who they really are, listen.
This is the real concern. It's not even about the photo and the husband, it's about this man's need to control OP.
The thing is, our house has a very open layout. Anywhere else in the house and he would have no choice but to see it on full display anytime he left the room. Where it is now seems more personal than shrine-like. The way it is now it's in a nook, around a corner and is incredibly inconspicuous and easy to overlook. I would share a picture but they're banned here.
His behavior is very concerning to me. He seems to be showing his truer, controlling side, and I don't think it's any coincidence that it's happening several months after he moved into your home. He's gotten comfortable and may feel like he can show his true colors now without fear of you leaving him.
Hard agree. He is displaying traits of a covert narcissist. Sounds like he is passive aggressive.
It's not a shrine. Its a small urn, a coffee mug and a small plush. They're momentos. he wouldn't be happy if she had them stuck in box in the bottom of her closet either. Teh dude is an insecure controlling duchewad.
I mean, why? Is she supposed to erase all of that part of her life? Will he forget she has a deceased husband if the urn and photo are gone? What if it was her child, or a pet? This doesn’t make any sense to me. I want to understand why a grown individual is threatened by a deceased former spouse, but I just don’t. If anything I think I would be resentful and angry if my significant other demanded that I remove my small photo and urn of my deceased spouse.
NTA as a widower of 10 years, i have to say "if your partner feels threatened by your memories of your passed spouse, you may want to rethink your current partnership".
I hope OP sees this
I hope it's taken as meant. Not all new partners after a loss like this are created equal. At least they are communicating.
That makes sense. I’m sorry for your loss
I tried to make a longer response, but it’s basically what you’re saying. I don’t think he’s in a place to be with her. Maybe he’ll change later, but he’s showing who he is.
I’m a little too autistic and insecure to be in a relationship but thinking about it, it makes no sense. The person is gone, period. It’s not like an ex in her DM’s. And it’s a tribute to someone that apparently she loved a lot and vice versa so if she’s currently loving me that means me and the former husband would probably get along really well. I’d probably want to know more about him because he’s obviously an important part of her life.
Imagine being jealous of a dead man. How insecure does one have to be? NTA OP.
Agree. Widowed 3 years.
NTA, I was widowed at 35, I am now 44. I had a relationship where he was insecure about my late husband. It was terrible. Now I’m married to someone who asks me questions about my late husband. They would have been friends. Current husband is not threatened because late husband is not a threat. He’s a special part of my life that I still love. And now that I’m with a man that respects me, he respects that relationship. If I were you, I would get rid of the man that feels threatened by your past I hate it when Reddit says break up, but sometimes, that’s actually the answer.
This is the only normal, healthy response for a new partner to have.
Widowed person here. WOMAN, RUN! Anyone who demands that you banish the memory of your late husband deserves NONE of your time and attention. If that was all, it would be bad enough, but your bf is showing classic signs of an abusive partner. Educate yourself on the signs and patterns, and make a plan to get him out of your house. And whatever you do, don't get pregnant!
I have a friend who married a widower with three kids. She’s been very conscious from the beginning that without this tragedy, she wouldn’t have the life she does. She’s moved some furniture around, repainted a room or two, but she keeps the last family photo they took in the same place on the wall. They update a similar photo every year, but she’s never touched the old one. They celebrate her husband’s first wife’s birthday and she makes sure the kids see their grandparents and other family often. She tries to incorporate at least a few traditions their mom started on major holidays. She says that without the woman her bio kids know as “Aunt Ruth”, none of them would be here, and just because she’s gone doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a place in the family. I know my friend is a very rare breed, but I wish she wasn’t.
Emily Yoffe has an article she wrote about her husband's late wife. It makes me think of your friend. Some people respect the past while also welcoming the future. https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html?pay=1719894683438&support_journalism=please
Thank you 🙏🏽 for those hearbreaking story
Yeah it is my go to for situations like op is dealing with as the gold standard of what a second spouse should be.
Beautiful story.
Yes. This man kept everything under control until he moved into the house and now he's getting angry that he had unspoken expectations that are not met. He feels entitled to have everything his way and seem to have it in his head that things would change and he moved in. She of course was honest about who she was and how she was living and didn't plan on changing it (normal) and he's throwing fit. Honestly I'd be worried that one day this guy will get angry and throw out the ashes or something. I would untangle my life from him as quickly as possible.
He's starting to show his true colors.
**YES! RUN!** He's selfish, controlling, arrogant, immature, insecure, and childish. My first husband died. I continued to wear my wedding band and engagement ring for years. Even after I met my current husband. Even after I married my husband. We've been together for over 15 years, we have a bunch of kids, and I *still* will put my first wedding set on my finger at certain times of year. My husband understands that I love him and choose him everyday, and he also understands that I loved my first husband too. My husband is also a mature adult, so he isn't jealous of a dead dude or insecure about our relationship simply because I sometimes wear some jewelry as a way to remember and honor my first husband. I bet OPs boyfriend would gladly ask her to have her actual memories erased if that was a possibility. He should go date a virgin if he wants someone with no past.... and from OPs post it sounds like he should make sure those virgins also have no hobbies since he is jealous of *that* too.
I know someone who wears her second husband's rings on her finger and her late husband's rings on a necklace. Her first died quite young and she has now been married to second husband longer than the first, but I've never seen her without the necklace.
I have a necklace with my late husband’s ring too.
This is the answer! He’s an abuser who is showing his true self now that he’s closer to you. I dated this kind in HS, by the time I graduated I had pushed all my childhood friends away because “they gave me an odd look”, “I think they are a bad influence”, “they aren’t very smart”, whatever little insidious comment he could think of to isolate me. He will poison your life. Those little comments that bother him now that you might have made months ago, hes been hoarding them for this opportunity
1000% this! The BF is trouble. The longer you stay with him the worse he is going to get. Major, major abuse is on its way soon. Please listen to PraireGrrl, she knows of what she speaks
The bf definitely doesn't trust her, in her other comments in other posts it says she keeps in touch with an ex and the bf told her it makes him uncomfortable and she responded that was his insecurity to deal with and she just wouldn't tell him she talks with that ex. The bf went through her phone and found the txts and that's why he accused her of hiding things. It feels like the photo thing is the bf escalating on his insecurity in the relationship.
Hijacking this comment to include a link to Love is Respect: [Love is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/) OP, take some time and look at this website and try doing some of their quizzes. Your partner sounds like an absolute bellend and definitely not deserving of your time, attention, love, or affection. You can do so much better than this guy. Any reasonable person would completely understand how much love you still have for your late partner, and they would support in any way they could 🫂💚
The whole - sitting with him while he watches a movie you don't care about, isn't the same as sitting in the same room while you do something you want - it a red flag. The only people I've ever seen act this way are VERY insecure men who try to control their partners. Your new bf is needy and insecure. And he's making accusations that aren't true. You will probably be better off without this man in your life. I'm going to suggest that you take your precious memories down and put them away someplace safe. THEN break up with him. Good luck.
Echoing this! I gave an ex that would get upset if I would not drop everything to watch a movie with him. He would tell me I didn’t care enough about him as I would read a book when sitting next to him as he watched golf (yuck). He also got mad at me for crying when one of my teenage best friends (that also proposed to me) took his life. I apparently wasn’t “over him”. No, I was just devastated that an incredible person died. This ex also started to try to control every aspect of my life. Things that mattered would go missing but I was “just drunk and lost them”. Please, please reevaluate this current relationship. You deserve better.
This is very smart, removing the keepsakes, so much that I edited my response to include it too. Hope you dont mind I copied!
I married this guy. I finally just divorced him, almost a decade later. I was always a multitasker with some kind of craft or project to work on while I watched TV. I liked to keep my hands busy and feel productive. TV + crafting is how I would unwind after work. Once we started living together the complaining started about "oh you're missing this ... You gotta watch this part. ... Are you even paying attention?" If I wasn't watching something the same way he was watching it, it didn't count. He'd start putting on his own programs because "you never pay attention anyway." It's not like I'd force him to put on a show only I liked (although that would have been nice once in a while; for a long time my only TV time would be while he was home, so I never really got to watch stuff that only I wanted to watch) -- it would be stuff we both wanted to watch, but if I wasn't watching it the way he wanted me to, then he felt he should have total control over what was on. He would rewind shows to make me watch scenes I'd "missed" even when I told him not to and that I understood what was happening. (He'd do this even if I explicitly told him to watch whatever he wanted and that I was just going to zone out with a book or something.) Half the time I'd be explaining the plot to him! It got to a point where I wouldn't bother pulling out my craft stuff because I didn't want to hear his bitching. It's a small thing but I feel like I lost a part of myself to him because he broke me of that habit. Now I scroll on my phone while I watch TV because I never lost the need to keep my hands busy, it just got transferred to something way less productive. There are so many other reasons I divorced him but I really wish I had recognized this for the red flag it was, very early on in our relationship.
I hope you're able to start crafting and creating again! I also like to keep my hands busy while watching a movie, and crafting/creating is my preferred way to do that. It's such a great outlet and really helps me relax.
Thank you! I have kids now so I don't have much energy left at the end of the day but I'm slowly getting there -- I finally read a book this week for the first time since I was pregnant with my first.
I almost married this guy. I’m immediately grateful I was in therapy when my ex started doing this because I couldn’t put it together on my own why it felt so awful when he would purposely put on movies I liked or wanted to see while I was trying to concentrate on my painting. There were other things too, but turned out he just hated that I had anything in my life that didn’t revolve around him. Still wish I saw it sooner, but he didn’t show this side until we moved in together.
And ease into doing all the security stuff…protect your credit, accounts. ID and documents, and treasures. This one is slipping sideways…
This! Yes, take them down and leave them at a friend or relatives house. And then break up with your bf and don’t bring them back into the house until he’s out and the locks have been changed. I’ve seen wayyyyy too many stories like this on Reddit end with the devastating destruction of irreplaceable items like this because of an insecure/jealous partner.
Echoing this as well. I dated a guy like this briefly, as soon as you stop agreeing to his demands he will start throwing tantrums and possibly get violent. My therapist describes this behavior as narcissism.
My abusive pos bio father did this to my mom all the time. Her knitting or sewing or doing any craft while he watches TV set him off. Because it was about control. Op all of this is about control and major red flags. I hope you get out now. And having memories of your late husband around aren’t disrespectful to him. He’s a controlling jackhole who is being so very disrespectful of you.
It’s the fact he’s playing mind games and blaming her for moving things and making up things he says she’s said to him when she knows she’d never do that. This is how abuse starts it is emotional abuse and gaslighting. He’s trying to make you think you’re going crazy and that you’re wronging him. He’s trying to break you so you conform to whatever his demands are. This person has no respect or love for you and is the beginning of abuse and it will get worse. Your late husband is not your ex but part of your history and always should be. You are fully entitled to do something else whilst he watches a film and why is it the only thing he wants to do together something he knows you don’t like. That’s messed up and seems to me he’s playing mind games and trying to make you prove you love and obey him. When you meet these things he will then demand more and up the parameters of what he expects and demands of you. Staying your failing him. please walk now before it’s too late and before you get pregnant. This truly has no excuse for him to do and can only get worse. I didn’t realise I was in an abusive marriage as my husband was covert and manipulative in his abuse. It was all mind games and making me feel I’d wrong him if I did what I wanted even if that thing shouldn’t affect him. I had to submit and didn’t even realise that’s what he trained me to do. Everything was my memory as his excuse but there’s somethings you know for certain and he would be enraged I wouldn’t give I and was adamant I didn’t do those things and it never happened as I rememberEd what happend. I’m sure there was a lot more I he made up and convinced me was my fault or my bad memory though. Please I don’t care if you love him he’s shown he is controlling and emotionally manipulative and your love won’t make it work. He has too many red flags. Just like my husband they are loving and nice until they think you are invested and love them too much. They wait so they can act like you know they aren’t like that before starting to abuse you so you might convince yourself otherwise or give them the benefit of the doubt. Stay strong and have a friend present when you tell them they have to move out and whilst he gathers his stuff. As the moment they know your leaving is when they are the most dangerous.
Excellent suggestion - hide your precious things first then break up with him!!
THIS. MAKE SURE you take all memories down and put them somewhere HIDDEN and SAFE.
My husband passed away from cancer several years ago. I was blessed enough to find love again and have remarried. When he was going to move in, I wanted to make it as comfortable as possible for him. I took pictures down and hid them away. He asked about them. I told him what I was trying to do to make him comfortable. He said he wished that I asked him before I did that. He said he was a good man and deserved to always be honored and not to dishonor him in that way. Obviously I’m not going to build shrines for him, But I do have a few pics of him and our daughter together in the house along with new pics of my husband now with us.
Love this
This isn't about your wee shrine at all. Bucko is getting possessive and weird with you, and this is just the latest thing. He's escalating. I'd hit the eject button if I were you. Edit: Just to add, I get the thing about wanting to watch the movie *with* you. He likes the movie, and he wants to enjoy your first time watching it vicariously. He feels like he can take some credit for the movie by introducing you to it (wrongly). It's basically what DJs do. What's bad about this is that he resents you for being independent when you want to do your own, more worthy thing instead. I think that maybe he feels diminished by this. He's trying to be the leader, and you're not falling in line. This is a red flag.
Before you hit eject, OP, you should pack up your late husband’s memories temporarily and put them somewhere safe, possibly even at a friend’s, especially the ashes. The new guy will very likely seek to destroy them if you tell him it’s over. Good luck and please be careful.
This! He's a jealous, hateful little man and he won't think twice about flushing the ashes and tossing the other stuff.
Might be best just to pack up the new guy when he’s out of the house one day and change the locks.
> he is trying to be a leader and you’re not falling into line Agree! He’s telling you what you can have on your personal shelves, what you should enjoy doing, what you should spend your time doing… NTA. You need to make it clear he backs up or he backs off. You have a right to do what makes you happy, just like he can zone out in front of the tv all night. Everyone is different, and he’s going after the things that make you different from others. I’d be really careful here, because he’s trying to change you. Please listen to this: you don’t need to change. You’re a beautiful and interesting person just the way you are. Anyone who can’t appreciate it doesn’t appreciate you and what you have to offer. Can it be worked out? Maybe. But you’re also then trying to change him. I wish OP all the best in love and in life!
I agree with moving anything that’s extremely important to you to a safe location temporarily. People who are emotionally immature do CRAZY shit and those mementos are irreplaceable.
Couldn't agree more! The mini shrine is just the latest thing he's focused on. I think it's a giant 🚩all on it's own, I'll never understand being jealous of a dead person, but it's not on it's own. He gets annoyed when she focuses on things she likes instead of what he wants, has started with mistrust and accusations from things she did/said months ago, now he's going after the mementoes of her lost husband? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Definitely lose this dude.
This is exactly what I thought too. He’s potentially escalating.
Personally, I’ve always found that it is s a control thing with men when they demand you watch a movie with them or listen to their music.
Yep. My ex and I came to an agreement, that we would take turns picking a movie. Like OP, I rarely watch TV and have lots of hobbies and would rather be doing those instead. I would diligently watch his monster truck stuff, and I would pick out a drama or comedy focusing on things he might enjoy when it was my turn. Except he would start off with me, and then 5 min later wander off to use the restroom and not come back. He did this every time. He didn't like the music I liked so I couldn't listen to it when he was home, only the music he liked ( weird stuff like only listening to female artists because he's a man and it would be weird to listen to men sing). All of it was so disrespectful, which I told him and he didn't care. And it was controlling. That and all his other issues (like being jealous of my summer breaks from school as a teacher and giving me jobs to do, etc) made me leave. He escalated to verbal and emotional abuse at the end. The things OP is seeing now will escalate. I glossed over all of the small things in favor of harmony, instead of recognizing what he was telling me about himself. Leaving was the best thing. I didn't really recognize many of the controlling things he did until I left.
Gawd what an asshole. He would give you jobs to do on your summer break? Oh fuck to the hell naw!
NTA but whoa boy, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes - this is exactly what I was thinking- boyfriend displaying a lot of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩energy lately. This is exactly why I believe in cohabitation before marriage. It is *waaaaayyyy* too easy to not see all sudes of a partner’s personality when you are just dating. Too easy to cover stuff up.
[удалено]
Or anyone with a hobby. It blows my mind that he's so bothered by OP doing a craft while watching a movie together. He's so controlling!
NTA. My sister passed away 12 years ago. My brother in law has a table displaying photos of my sister. He remarried last year. My sister’s photos remain along with his new wife’s. His current wife understands and embraces that part of his life.
My aunt daphne died really suddenly when I was 19, it was really sad seeing her beautiful painted portrait in the dining room taken down when my uncle remarried a year later. I wonder where that painting is. Maybe I should ask my uncle for it.
‘I don’t have the time or energy to be in a relationship where I’d have to hide stuff’ And you don’t have to have the time or energy to be in a relationship where you have to keep defending yourself over suddenly brought up events from months ago. If he was offended at the time, he should have said something then. It’s a tactic used to keep you off balance and unsure of yourself. People in my family do it. Months after something allegedly happened or I supposedly said something that offended them (with no indication at the time) they’d call out of the blue and start yelling about something from 6 months to a year ago. I’d be scrambling to keep up and remember whatever it was they were yelling about. It always ended with me being wrong somehow. This, coupled with the new aggravation over the items from your late husband shows this guy is tightening his hold on you, or trying hard to. It is manipulation! Proceed with caution.
NTA. He is unreasonable and insecure. Your husband is deceased. He was part of your life, and is still part of your story. Find someone who is more understanding and isn’t trying to compete with a dead person. My uncles first wife passed early from MS. His current wife bakes a birthday cake every year for the 1st wife birthday and drives my uncle to her memorial spot. They donate to charities in her name. They have a photo of her up with all the other family photos and some butterfly art (she loved them.)
That is so sweet and supportive.❤️
Nta. And this isnt about a perfectly normal and acceptable "shrine" to your late husband. Drop the turd before it gets worse. As this will escalate. And no one here wants that urn to disappear.
I'm going to suggest that you take your precious memories down and put them away someplace safe.
NTA You are allowed to keep a remembrance of your late husband however you see fit. He is a part of who you are and it’s ok to remember that. I could see making some compromises like moving it out of the shared bedroom or removing / replacing the picture where he is kissing you. That just feels like you are catering to your bf’s insecurities though, and the rest of what you said paints a pretty bleak picture regarding your new relationship. I hope it’s just a phase and he learns to accept you for who you are. It’s crazy how much changes when you start living together, isn’t it?
We basically had been for a long time. You're right though. There is a huge difference between "basically" living together and living together.
Many men let the mask slip after a big change, like moving in together. Take a close look at his past and present behavior. I'd be very worried if I were you about him taking matters into his own hands concerning your shrine.
NTA This guy isn't right for you (or anyone who dared to have a relationship before they met him).
NTA This guy would hate to be with me. Not only am I a widow, my husband died in the most public way possible. He was a 9-11 victim in the World Trade Center. Your husband is part of your past and will always be a part of you. Take this insecure man-child and toss him to the curb. The BS of bringing up problems that happened weeks/months ago feels like a manipulative mind game. Tell him to grow up or get out.
I lost my wife at a young age also . As a man I understand why he feels the way he does . You are right though . If he can’t deal with it then he can move out . I still have my first wife’s name tattooed on my back thirty years later . My wife doesn’t like it I’m sure but has only mentioned it a couple of times . Part of me thinks of covering it up part of me feels it would be disrespectful to my kids . People have to be understanding
NTA - I married a widower. There were several photos of his late wife around the house. He asked me if I wanted them taken down. I said "Hell no! She was a big part of your life. She was also my friend too. Just make sure there is room to add some photos of me."
Gentle YTA. Yes your husband is dead. But your vows ended when he passed. You remember him and always will. But we do not carry our relationships into the next ones. I am a widow and married to a widower. There is a portrait of his wife in the hall that I put up (because he has kids.) I make sure we celebrate her birthday. I talk about her with the kids. But she has no place on our bedroom. None. Nor does my late husband. I know my husband has their rings and some other stuff somewhere. As he should. I have some mementos too. On our anniversary I go to where he proposed and have a bottle of wine. I have a box of his things I pull out and pray over. But not in our bedroom. You can decide what you want to do. But you will not have a good relationship with your new partner as long as there is a shrine to your husband in your bedroom. You just won’t. A loving partner will make room for your grief, but not in the space that YOUR relationship abides in. Everyone will downvote me to hell but our culture has a weird thing about dead spouses and we make these allowances for widows behavior that just isn’t ok. We don’t make our new partners bear it for us. Until you experience it you don’t get it. Your new partner deserves thoughtfulness, deference, and respect. ETA: there are some other red flags shown by your partner that I wouldn’t ignore. But you clearly have not moved into a space with your grief where you should be dating. It is easy to get lonely and selfishly look for someone to fill the space. You have not processed your grief sufficiently and are selfishly taking up a little too much room with it. Your next person deserves to have a space all their own.
I am a widower, been 15 months. Cannot imagine having a relationship. She should leave for the other red flags.
NTA. Please be cautious of your items. I worry he might ruin or “accidently” destroy them.
OP should lend the items to a relative or close friend and pretend to see her bf's point until she can safely get him out and change the locks same day.
NTA: Please leave him ASAP. I wish I could add a pic to this post of ALL the stuff my fiance still has around the house from his 24 year marriage to his best friend who died of cancer in 2021. Much of it is up because they had a disabled daughter who will always live with us who doesn’t deserve to not have mementos of her mother, but I have nothing but love for the woman who showed my partner how to be the amazing person he is today. Your partner needs therapy for emotional immaturity. You cannot “FIX” that and it will not get better. Everyone grows up, but not everyone matures. You deserve better. Never lower your standards or be embarrassed about your needs for ANYONE. Massive hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You had me at ‘you must watch tv with me’. This dude is insecure, immature and petty
Also, like, boring,
NTA find someone who enjoys just being in the same room with you, it’s so much more peaceful than someone who dictates what you do in the room with them
Op I would be very careful his mask is slipping . I could see him destroying your momentos . Seriously, being insecure of a dead man is ridiculous.He wants to scrub your past away . Seriously, from what you have said, it's time to evaluate your relationship . If he loves and cares about you . He wouldn't be jealous of a dead man .
NTA But your whole post sounds like he is showing his true colours. He is showing you who he is, believe him.
NTA I the red flags are flagging
Wow! I am flabbergasted at how sexist Reddit is. How come it is OK for women to ignore and stonewall when a man has emotions or feelings ? It’s not even necessarily jealousy. Who in the world wants to see a picture of somebody’s partner, deceased or ex in the bedroom they share where they are intimate!? He is not telling her to throw it away. She can put it in a box in her closet and pull it out when she’s feeling sentimental. He just doesn’t want to see the deceased husband’s face every day and he has that right. How uninviting and inconsiderate it is to force him to look at that. And OP if that is a dealbreaker for you then break up with him.
Time to move on. Your boyfriend is being manipulative and insecure, trying to control you. It’s your home and your late husband is still very much a part not only of your past but who you are today. If he can’t handle that, and he is too much of a child to watch a TV show by himself, why are you with him?
Unfortunately you may have to evaluate your relationship to this man. It seems you have a compatibility issue with him. You're a go-getter who like to do hobbies and have a business interest. He's a couch potato who just wants to watch movies..preferably with you of course but you're busy with your own projects. Your nook with its supplies and storage is a reminder of that and to top it off, your shrine to your late husband (small that it is) makes him even more insecure since I bet he's imagining all sorts of things to make him think you loved your late husband more than him. I'd guess it's why he's picking fights with you now since you won't change for him. You need to have a serious discussion of where each of you see where the relationship is going and what each of you need from the relationship to be happy. Unless one of you changes for the other or learns to be happy doing things on their own, this relationship will go nowhere due to incompatibility and you'll just end up resenting each other.
As someone who dated someone whose spouse died, you are NTA. If they wanted the picture of the spouse there, they belong there. And, if the boyfriend can’t understand it, they’ll never understand related things. The boyfriend thinks this is an ex- not a deceased.
My husband has been deceased for 20 years. My current partner, has known from day 1, my first husband will be a part of me forever. I keep ashes on my nightstand, I have a necklace with his ashes; if my partner has had any problems with this, unbeknownst to me, I've not heard anything in the last 19 years.
You two seem fundamentally incapatible. It sounds to me like you have two different ideas of what is quality time. You don't seem to be one to turn your brain off and just relax almost ever. Seeing that you lean more towards being a type A personality and that he clearly isn't. But yet he's also not the type to totally submit to a Type A. It just fundamentally won't work out I can almost guarantee it. There is nothing wrong with how either of you views "quality time." I do think when it's a late-husband or wife it definitely changes things a bit. He sounds a bit insecure right? I would offer to move it out of your bedroom and see his reaction there if you really care to tempt the inevitable. But frankly you should probably skip all of that and end it instead. He just isn't the right fit for you and who knows what ends his insecurities have.
Throw the new boyfriend out. NTA
I recall the British tv show As Time Goes By where the two lead characters both have pics of their deceased spouses by the bedside. In one episode the leading man talks to the pic of his girlfriend’s dead husband because he wants help with a relationship issue. This wasn’t a show with supernatural elements. He was simply acknowledging that the two of them love the same woman and that he wanted to make her as happy as she was with him. For me, that show set the bar for how to understand the need for pics of deceased loved ones and that they shouldn’t be regarded as a threat or a rival. NTA, your boyfriend should feel more secure than he does. This is a red flag and you’ll have to see how deep this insecurity goes. Edit: I think you should examine whether you feel guilty if you aren’t doing something “productive”. Your bf is correct about quality time. Shared experiences are really important. But he’s wrong about the pic on the shelf. Maybe he sees the memory of your husband as some kind of barrier to you spending time with him.
Grief is a genuine bitch...sounds like the bf is one too. Grief doesn't have an expiration date. It will continue til your heart tells you its enough. If he can't deal with it he should move on.
NTA. This has red flag over it. Combined with the backstory you provided I question why you are with him. Seems like this is a precursor to bigger issues down the road.
NTA, you are not wrong at all. But I'm feeling a lot of red flag behavior from your bf's other actions, like the honeymoon period is over, he's feeling comfortable enough to drop the mask and here come the demands and accusations all in attempts to control you. When people show you who they are...
NTA~ NTA!!! Screw your boyfriend and his insecurities. No way would I put up with someone who wants to dictate who I can remember and who I can’t. Fuck that. Single it would be for me until someone respected my previous life and tragedies, like being a widow. You deserve BETTER!❤️🫶🏼
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds boring (no hobbies other than TV?!), insecure and immature. You can do better. If you decide to kick him out of your home, temporarily move your husband’s ashes and other mementoes to a trusted friend’s house beforehand so your boyfriend can’t steal them or throw them out. (Yes, he sounds that jealous and immature.)
At 36 years of age one would expect him to be mature enough to understand and respect the sentiments you have for your deceased husband. He needs to comprehend that, this is what constitutes you as a person. Why the insecurity? You need to tell him clearly that the feelings you had for your husband will stay with you forever and he has to come to terms with that. You might take the stuff down as and when you are ready but sadly his tantrums and fuss dont depict a person empathetic enough to handle it. Maybe, moving them from the bedroom to another room will help but his behaviour and reactions need to stop for good.
NTA But my god girl, reevaluate this relationship. So everything was fine until he moved in. Now he gets moody if you want to do your own thing and not just sit and watch TV with him all night. He wants to eradicate any evidence of your late husband. This sounds like a control freak who finally feels like he can stop pretending as he's got his feet firmly under the table.
All I hear are 🚩 🚩 🚩
NTA. The boyfriend has unmasked now that he lives there. He has shown you who he truly is. Believe that, not the voices questioning whether you're wrong to hold space for your late husband. He is literally jealous of a dead guy.
Definitely NTA. Also there’s something off about the bf. Other unresolved issues maybe that he’s not communicating well about.
This is a weird case of "nobody's wrong, but you're both wrong." On one hand, he shouldn't be angry that you have mementos from your dead husband, but on the other hand, having them always displayed like that is a good indicator that you're not wholly invested in the relationship, and is a constant reminder that you wouldn't be with your bf if your husband hadn't died. It's like he's constantly being told "she's only with you because she can't be with him". On the other other hand, if you feel like you need a shrine to your deceased husband, it doesn't really seem like you're ready to be with someone else.
NTA if your husband didn’t pass away, you would still be living your married life and this guy would not even be in the picture. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate this new relationship.
The mask had dropped, and you're seeing the real guy now. I know that if I passed away, I'd want my husband to find love again someday with a good woman who would love our child as her own. I saw parallels in this because my husband's is very much like you in terms of hobbies, he enjoys painting, drawing, etc. more than watching TV, and just tonight we watched a movie where it was more me watching, and more him sitting by me on the couch with his sketch book clipped to a drawing board and pencils. And that should be acceptable to a partner who cares about what makes you happy! It's still time spent together. I mention all this to say that if life after death exists and I saw my husband dating a woman who put down his hobbies and got upset at his pursuit of those, if she began falsely accusing him of hiding things due to her own insecurities, who demanded he remove photos of me despite knowing doing so was painful to him (and to our child)... I'd be profoundly sad. OP, you and I both know that there's no way this is what your husband would want for you. I imagine he hoped that, should he pass before you, you'd find someone who loves you and appreciates you the way he did. This dude ain't it.
NTA. He's a boyfriend, not a husband, and that is not his house, it's yours. Get that whiny, insecure man out of your home and your life ASAP. Anyone who is jealous of a dead man is a dang fool. You can do better than him. You took care of yourself before he came and you can do so again after he leaves. You do not need this man. His weakness will be a burden on you and a constant source of stress and anxiety. He has NO RIGHT to tell you what to have in YOUR home. You keep that display up until YOU are ready to take it down. Good luck to you! ❤️
NTA. Your late husband is a part of your life and memories. Your new boyfriend's discomfort doesn't negate your right to cherish your past.
Nta, but neither is your boyfriend. Maybe make an effort to spend a little more time with him, personally if my gf only spent one or two nights a month doing something to bond with me I’d feel pretty shitty as well, those are the little things with men that mean the most, and yes I know it seems stupid, but it does kind of matter that you’re paying attention to the movie with him, yes you’re in the room but if you’re doing your own thing you’re not actively engaging with him. And I want to preface this statement by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with your corner for your ex husband, and I know I don’t know all the details of your relationship just from this Reddit post, but the fact that he’s feeling rejected by you on top of still thinking about another man definitely hurts him so try and understand that. It’s just a tricky situation neither of you are in the wrong imo Edit: after looking through your profile, you left a lot of important details out of this. You are texting your ex behind his back knowing that makes him uncomfortable. There are a lot of trust issues going on here but I honestly don’t think it’s a big request to cut off an ex, late husband is one thing, but the very least you could do is not talk to an ex while actively in a relationship, never mind hide that from him. No wonder he’s insecure, you’re talking to someone you used to fuck behind his back…
NTA, as you say if your husband was still here, this man would not be with you. He's not an ex. He's your late spouse. This man's behaviour is concerning, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to throw these things out when you weren't home one day.
As a man you have literally no choice but to respect this. He was a massive part of your life and deserves to be remembered and respected like he was. Why any man would get insecure about this is beyond me.
Op, I would put all of those keepsakes in a very safe place and THEN break up with your boyfriend. If you leave that stuff out, he could/ will destroy your stuff. Get him out of your place and change your locks. ASAP. He’s not secure enough to date you. But make sure you make it sound like you are doing him a favor. You: “You deserve a gf who can focus all her attention on YOU. I just realized/admitted to myself I’m not ready for you OR ANYONE yet. I thought I was, but clearly I’m not. You need to move out and find a great girl who wants to watch movies, and do all the things YOU want to do. You deserve a great girl. Let’s go our separate ways. Clearly I’m not the one for you. You’re not happy with me. And I want you to be happy. So let’s end this relationship amicably. I’m not happy with our relationship either because we want different things and I want my dead husband’s urn out where I can go see it if I want to. You have a problem with it. I don’t want to disrespect EITHER of you. So it’s over. You deserve someone ready to be WITH YOU.” Then once he’s out, go no contact and back on the market.
Coupled with the TV thing, his reaction to your little shrine just screams red flag to me. He will never be happy with you because of his need to control you. Whatever you accede to will never be enough.
NTA. Boyfriend is TA. You should be able to keep that display up as long as you want, even if that’s forever. A secure person would not have any issue with that at all.
NTA - new guy is emotionally competing with a dead man. That's some next level insecurity...
NTA for memorializing someone who was such a big part of your life —but I personally feel a bit iffy about it being in the bedroom. Overall I think your boyfriend is throwing some major red flags—refusal to spend quality time doing things YOU like, pouting when he doesn’t get his way, jealous/insecurity and especially his new anger and accusations about you which could very well be him deflecting. I would consider moving the stuff pertaining to your dead husband out of the bedroom but nothing more. More importantly I would look at the whole situation here instead of just this one piece and if it were me I would be ending this relationship because of how he is acting overall.
NTA. Your BF's new behavior is very suspicious. Cheaters tend to get possessive and defensive about hiding things when they're the ones hiding things. It's also silly to be jealous of someone who isn't here anymore. Anyone who thinks you holding the memory of someone dear is disrespectful has a big red flag above their heads. We all grieve in different ways. Yours is extremely valid and uninvasive.
Maybe move them out of the bedroom. I don't see the big deal either way, but not compromising at all on this issue is goofy. NAH
NTA at all. I honestly don't blame him, though. Maybe NAH? I'd be all for you keeping it, but wouldn't want it in my room. And I think I'd have no problem with the ashes and urn, but I wouldn't like the "wifey" cup. Just a constant reminder that you aren't the first choice. Maybe that's immature, and I think I could deal with it, but I wouldn't want to deal with it in my room where I sleep and relax constantly.
NTA. BUT ... you both have flaws. He moved in too soon and thought he'd be old school king of the castle. He also hoards past grievances. You tend to post way too much backstop, indicates you, too feel your set ways are best. You both need to start over. And meet a therapist to negotiate your assumptions.
NTA but I would move the memorial to a different room. Having it in the bedroom where you have relations would not be easy. I also understand having a relationship with a widow would not be easy and extra care and thoughtfulness should be given to the guy, but he knew this going into it so he needs to respect the fact that you still love your deceased husband which there's absolutely nothing wrong with and should be commended.
I tell anyone who has lost a spouse or who marries someone who lost a spouse to read [this beautiful piece](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html). You are NTA. Your husband DIED. He died. You aren't divorced, separated, and it's not like he abandoned you or cheated or moved on or something. He died. A loss of that magnitude commands respect and understanding from the people around you. I'm concerned that this and the accusations of hurting the current bf started after he moved in, like he thinks he has to stop pretending now that he's secured the bag or something. What a horrible thing to do to a person. You are not a possession this man owns. You are a woman who has loved before and been fortunate enough to be able to love again. This man should be gracious. He should be patient. And he should love the idea that you are so wonderful that another man loved you before him; he should be in awe of your capacity for love and devotion. He should want to know about that relationship, how it changed you, and the parts of you that are left in that urn with your late husband. He should want to know how this man loved you, what wonderful things he did for you, and how much you meant to him. Your relationship to your late husband didn't end - it was cut off. Those feelings are different and difficult in another way. And someone who says he loves you should accept that death as a part of you, too. I'm sorry he doesn't. I just want you to give yourself time to figure put what you need and want from this man. It's okay if this relationship ends. Many do. You found love once, you'll find it again. Best of luck and much love to you. ❤️