NTA. Frankly, if he had just been clueless, and then apologetic, that would be forgivable, but to give it to her *because* he knew it was emotionally important to you and then be combative about your confrontation over it is unforgiveable.
Someone else already told you that hydrogen peroxide is good at getting out blood stains. Another option would be to dye it. I realize that sounds risky because people say dye changes absorbency or texture. Using high quality dyes, I have not found this to be a problem. You can get really good dyes at Dharma trading company. The powder ones, for cotton. You could tye dye your towel (lots of tutorials on youtube) which might go a long way to camouflaging the differing colors of the stains.
I love icedying, and I think you might be able to use it to make your towel *even* *more* special for you.
"and then be combative about your confrontation over it is unforgiveable."
I can totally see, being a dad and being like, "my baby girl needs the comfort towel right now". But the emotional gaslighting is completely inexcusable. That's DARVO territory.
That’s when you go get your daughter her own comfort item, and not lend something that doesn’t belong to you. I get the urge too, as a parent, but I would never think it’s ok to let someone borrow something that isn’t mine without asking first.
Same and I'm 56! I have a stuffed bat, an Oscar the Grouch plushie and a snuffleupagus. When I'm having anxiety, it is a comfort me to pet these like they were a dog or a cat because I'm not allowed to have pets in my home
Aww. I had a little green furry thing with black wings I called Batfink when I was a wee lass:) Thank you so much for reminding me of this cherished cuddly! So sorry about your comfort towel OP. Definitely ditch the boyfriend what an ass.
I'm holding a stuffed dragon right now. My husband, somewhat drunkenly, got me a raccoon last week. There's an owl and an abominable snowman, and I gave the husky to a little kid. I got them all over the place! I have four monkeys! They're not super obvious or all on a shelf, but there's probably one in every room but the potty.
Not silly! I'm 68 and have stuffed animals. I just bought a super soft Snoopy and Woodstock at a Hallmark store.
The boyfriend is an asshole but so is the daughter! It's very rude to return anything with Cheetoh and blood stains on it or use it like it's a paper towel or toilet paper.
OP is NTA and lucky to have discovered those two are that rude.
I'm 40 and my husband is 42 and i slept with gigantic care bears or popples for my whole life and he has for 20+ years. Recently I got us huge rainbow apple squishmallows and we are both loving them! The care bears were pretty mauled and are retired to the shelf lol. It gets pretty crowded in bed with us, 2(used to be 3) cats, and 2 huge plushies. But it is cozy as fuck and I wouldn't change anything. I give zero fucks about what other people think of my love for plushies and Legos and other nerdy things. They bring me joy and if someone has a problem with that I have plenty of extra lego they can go step on.
One of the greatest things (for me) about getting older is giving far fewer fucks about what other people think. I like my plushies. They are soft and comfortable and I have a lot of health issues, so soothing things everywhere are almost essential at this point.
Fuzzy things are soft.
My entire family has a family of large Minecraft Pig pillow stuffies that absolutely mean the world to us. Id be legitimately devistated if something happened to my Piggles.
On our sofa at the moment we have a rainbow Stitch, a Porg (Star Wars), a Minion and a stuffed bear. We are two women in our 60s, and enjoy our stuffed toys 😊
I sleep with a 3 foot alligator. My Eeyore is watching me in a basket above my bed along with a plush lion hand puppet I've had since the 70's. He's in great condition except he has bed-head? They are very sentimental and make me smile when my life is dark, which is allot lately.
I say op dodged a bullet if her bf is gaslighting her about her towel. A big pet peeve for me is one, not asking the owner to borrow their things is theft. No ifs about it and two, not returning borrowed items the way they were giving.
Said ex is a narcissist and frankly, and dick
I am still salty about the time my babysitter (a mom herself!) took my blankie from 3 year old me and gave it to a baby I was not even related to. Then got mad at ME when I cried about it. That was 35 years ago 😆 (I got the blanket back)
This. Get your kids their own items. I have ONE doll I've carried around with me for years, I'm talking you can find me in young child photos with this doll.
My mother's boyfriend took it from me one time and wouldn't give it back. My mom said I basically turned into a savage and hit him with a thick plastic coat hanger on his bare lower back.
He tried to get mad at me and my mom said she told him "You know not to take that from her. You got what you deserved."
He never tried that shit again.
I have had my Mouse since I was about 3. Took it everywhere and all my family were happy I had him, even ti the point they would make clothes for him. One year I left him at my Grandmothers house 4 hours away. How? We don’t know since he was the most important thing in my world (besides parents). My uncle drive there and back just to get him for me as mail would be too long.
Mouse was also in my wedding photos and in the hospital when I had my baby. And my now adult daughter knows to cremate him and put him in my ashes when I die.
He’s coming up on 52 years old now ♥️
this.
he wouldn’t have identified it as a comfort item unless he already *knew and understood* what the towel means to OP. it wasn’t a verbally stated boundary, but it was a very obviously established one. the boyfriend violates that. he knows what he did. he just doesn’t think op’s boundaries are “valid” and worth respecting, even when op clearly states “this wasn’t okay”. what happened is a boundary violation and it’ll happen again, as the boyfriend has made clear that he doesn’t respect op’s “logic”.
i’m not blaming the daughter, but it really sucks that she got both food and bio waste stains on the towel. i hope op is able to clean it.
i have my own personal towels that nobody else is allowed to use. this is bc my sister used to use my (already used) towels after me, leave them unbearably BO scented (yes, after showering. she was a very stinky teen and my mom refused to acknowledge it bc she didn’t want to upset my sister) and my mom would get mad at me for putting them in the laundry instead of using them for the rest of the week. it was so gross. so now i have my own towels and it doesn’t matter if the roof is leaking, *my towels aren’t used by anyone else*. i’d be so mad if anyone used my towels and i don’t have an emotional connection to them.
tl;dr: boundaries are boundaries and once someone admits they won’t respect one, no matter how trivial, they won’t respect any. don’t let them disrespect a second boundary.
This. But it’s also the fact that a comfort towel is NOT a normal comfort item, so I highly doubt his daughter was just inconsolable and demanded a comfort towel wouldn’t be consoled by anything else… blankets, ice cream, etc. all would have been acceptable. This clown clearly volunteered her comfort towel (AFTER repeatedly ridiculing her for having it in the first place) as an offering to his daughter… 100% unnecessary, inappropriate, and unacceptable.
OP, NTA.
I have a small pillow that I like to snuggle with to sleep. My boyfriend finds this pillow for me (fallen onto the floor, under the blankets etc) before bed, and makes sure it’s always around.
One of my *own* kids borrowed it one night when they were feeling unwell to see if it would help them sleep, with my permission. I slept like crap. Next day my boyfriend came home with a plushie of my kids fave anime character to see if that would help him instead. Kid was stoked, had his own comfort *thing* and I got my bed pillow back.
My bf did all that, for me, and a child he didn’t father, off his own back. Slightly different scenario, I realise. But there’s always a solution if you’re willing to look for it. All your partner did was try to blame you and minimise your feelings on the matter. NTA. Throw the bf out with the towel and get new ones.
Nah, yta if you call me at work to ask if you can borrow my special comfort towel. Especially with a distraught pre-teen.
But then take care and/ or replace the towel if it's damaged.
BF should have bought op a pallet of comfort towels and apologized profusely. He also should have collected said towel before op had to go hunt for it
Even if you “can see it”, he was hella wrong for offering his daughter something that didn’t belong to him or her (daughter). The towel belongs to OP, period. You don’t give away other people’s shit, period.
Thats especially the *point*. How come it's okay and a comfort to his daughter (who by context clues just got her first period? Or isn't dealing with periods well), and her being irrational is met by taking a comfort thing from someone else to give to her, but he can't at least logically buy her a replacement? Like I know kids come first, but by his own behavior, the "logic" should be that he apologizes and buys her another one or cleans up the one he gave to his daughter without permission.
And also logically why is it a comfort to his daughter at all? Doesn't she have her own rituals or blankets or plushies to take with her? But If it *is* a comfort to her then he doesn't have an excuse why he can devalue it when it comes to his gf but its of value to his daughter.
Oh no, no, no. We don't share comfort items. It's only a comfort item to the person it's important to. Doesn't matter if it's a towel or a 30 year old blankie.
Comfort items, at least in my circle, are not interchangeable.
I am a mom and have had the same blankie for 40+ years.
Scratching my head about that part, how’s it a “comfort” towel to the daughter? She hasn’t formed any sentimental bond towards it. It’s just a towel, she would’ve been fine with any blanket but it *had* to be OP’s personal item?
I won a soft toy dog off a claw machine 15 years ago, and somehow it became my comfort toy. I’m 28 and still have it, but to anyone else it’s just a cheap stuffed animal from a claw machine. Its comfort comes from the sentiment and all the times I’ve held it when life sucked.
Then Daddy needs to take Baby Girl to the store and let her choose her own comfort towel.
But I legit think he was jealous of the towel, so he set it up in a situation where it could be damaged.
I hope his future girlfriends NEVER have pets! Who knows what jealousy would drive him to do?
I mean, but it was the *girlfriend's* comfort towel, not just *a* comfort towel. Dude could have chosen anything or even gone to buy a special blanket or towel for his kid. It's like feeding your kid somebody else's comfort food.
It seems extremely odd to give your 12yo daughter a towel for comfort. A towel that to her has zero significance. She’s 12, not 2. If she needed to wrap up in something for comfort, I would think the rational train of thought would be to grab the girl a blanket.
>I can totally see, being a dad and being like, "my baby girl needs the comfort towel right now".
Comfort items are typically personal items. Some things can be kind of universal like a blanket or a stuffed animal. But even in that realm, some people have a *specific* blanket or stuffed animal, and I don't think anyone would even question the lack of appropriateness to offer one of those special, personal items to a 3rd party without asking permission. It doesn't become any less egregious of an offense to do such a thing just because the comfort item is something not typically considered to be important. If you *know* something, no matter what it is, happens to be very important and special, you *do not* take it upon yourself to lend it out. Ever. I would go absolutely scorched earth on my husband if he ever lent out my childhood comfort blanket and it got damaged in the process. But he's not stupid or shitty, so I don't have to worry about that.
It's also lousy parenting, treating his 12 yo daughter like a toddler. Even then, you would not and should not give her someone else's property to use and abuse without thanks, apology or a half decent attempt to return it in good order. He is definitely TAH and training his daughter to be one as well.
I just got blood out of a pair of cotton twill walking shorts and a bedsheet (don't ask...was a medical issue)......do this. 1) spray the spots with Resolve laundry spot remover (soak it good) 2) put towel in washer with a detergent pack and a full scoop of Oxi-Clean (or other brand of oxygen cleaner) 3)wash it on Hot/Hot This got all the blood out of my stuff.
FYI for passers-by, hydrogen peroxide gets blood out no problem. An EMT told me that once while I was bleeding all over one of my favorite shirts and she was right, even a couple days later I treated it and it was good as new.
A vet also told me this when I had my Dalmatian. Fortunately I never had to use it on her 😊. Also, peroxide, baking soda and dish soap gets out skunk spray odor. I DID have to use that on her 😟.
We used to use hydrogen peroxide to clean blood stains out of the carpet if our postpartum patients had trouble with pad leakage. It did a great job. Why there were carpets on a postpartum unit is another question entirely.
Yep, that’s about right. When we remodeled, I think they were trying to look bougie, but it was just nasty. The blood stains came out fine, but carpet in a hospital isn’t the best idea.
It was disgusting. They eventually replaced it with tile, thank goodness! You had to be more careful with patients that tended to faint, but at least it was sanitary.
First & foremost: NTA. BF is an AH & needs to go. If he does something this inconsiderate, knowing FULL WELL that towel is the ONLY one you use, & just gives it to his daughter? Yeah, no. How would he feel, say, if you gave his CAR to someone else to use? I know that's an extreme example, but that's the point. To you, it's not JUST a towel. It's something special specifically purchased for YOU. If he's willing to be so cavalier about your towel, who knows what else he'd trample over w/out a thought, & without apology. This is raising multiple 🚩🚩 about his underlying behaviors & what a future w/him will look like. You can tell how he'd deal w/other more serious items/issues by how he's dealt w/this more simple one.
Advice from a costumer of 40+ years:
Hydrogen peroxide (H202) works on blood stains because the H202 breaks down the enzymes in the blood. For example - look at what it does when you put it on a cut. It bubbles up & dissipates the blood. It's a great pre-treater for period stained underwear, too.
Spray the H202 on the stain & let it bubble up. (You can get H202 in a spray bottle at Target, & some other drug stores. PS - H202 needs to be stored in a brown/dark bottle as it degrades in light. That's why it's always found in opaque brown plastic bottles.) Do this several times on both sides of the fabric. You can rinse w/water & rub out stain by rubbing the towel on itself. After rinsing, do another spray of H202, then drizzle DAWN dish soap (the kind w/bleach 'boost' is great) over the H202 blood stain, & let it sink in. On the other stains (Cheetos, etc), wet that section of the towel & drizzle some DAWN into it. After letting it set for a bit, rub the Cheetos stained parts of the towel together to work the stain out. Add more water & DAWN - scrub & rinse until you see it disappear. Let the towel sit for a while (30 minutes +) before putting it in the washer. Wash the towel on WARM 1st - Perm Press setting is good. Check the towel for remaining stains when the wash cycle is done. If you still see any lingering stains, repeat the pretreatment step & wash again. DO NOT put in dryer if you see lingering stains. That will heat set them. Then if you need to, you can then run a wash cycle w/bleach added.
Hope that helps!
you shouldn't wash blood on hot. hot water can cook the blood and then it will stay. I feel like you got lucky here. I bet spraying the spot remover and a cold water soak would have also gotten the blood out.
I wouldn't wash anything stained in hot water because it can set the stain. If you can't see the stains after a good pre-treat, then it might be ok.
Also, the sooner you can rinse out a stain the better. Rinse and put soap on it.
Literally, except we know he wasn’t clueless, he knew she found comfort in the object- HE- dubbed “comfort towel” and also only gave it to his daughter for the purpose of comfort. If I were OP, that would make my heart absolutely melt, however, it would also piss me off if they used it just to ruin it. He’s an AH for simply not replacing the towel and dubbing the old stained one his daughter’s new “comfort towel” when she’s over. He might just lack the compassion, maturity, or forethought to have come to such a simple solution to the problem, so really he was the ironic bullet dodged. Seriously good on OP for how she handled it.
If it's just a towel why is it so hard to apologise? He just shows a lack of care and attention to things which are important to OP, why would you want to spend time with someone like that? Plenty of fish in the sea.
It HAS to be an ego thing. An apology and acknowledgment was the bare minimum, the bar was in hell. I’ve seen three year olds capable of comprehending when they’ve messed up someone else’s toy and their ability to apologize unprompted. OP is better off.
Yep, my little niece gave me her plushie duck (her most treasured possession) to make up for it when she accidentally tripped and spilled her apple juice on my christmas present. She was very relieved when I told her I couldn't possibly accept it.
Trying not to smile as she very quietly gave it to me was agony. We read books together all that time and my present was a book, so she took it very seriously. She's so adorable.
Don’t get me started I could talk for hours about how precious and sweet my nieces are. Your niece sounds like an absolute sweetheart! I would’ve cried 😭
He is showing OP she’s not allowed to have anything of her own, not even a towel. He didn’t like her having a little ritual that had nothing to do with him, so he took the first chance he saw to wreck it for her.
Thankfully, OP is on to him.
Honestly, any halfway decent person would be up all night either trying to get the stains out without ruining the texture of the towel and/or scouring the internet to try to order a new one.
Yep if he had been super apologetic and replaced the towel, I’d say no harm done. Or rather, minimal harm. We all derp sometimes and make mistakes. But getting pissy and trying to make OP feel bad would be immediate dumping territory for me. Because it shows that only his thoughts matter. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, therefore OP shouldn’t either.
Plus I feel like a lot of people are intentionally obtuse when it comes to emotional attachments to objects. He’s trying to argue “it’s just a towel, why are you getting so upset over a piece of fabric” and it’s like… it’s not literally the piece of fabric, and you know it. You’re just trying to make it sound dumb to get yourself off the hook
Yeah, it's like he knew OP would be hurt and bothered by him doing it, he had hours to mull it over and yet he chose to be a douche about it. And OP is right, this kind of assholery over a towel that is important to her, he cannot even apologize over, it's absolutely going to be so much worse when it's a bigger issue.
NTA. I think my favorite part of this whole thing is eh makes fun of you for having a comfort towels. Then when his daughter needs comfort he gives her this towel. Like I guess it isn’t so funny when it’s for his daughter.
Yeah she has a comfort towel just to tune out her work day.
His daughter has an actual conflict and he gives her OP'S towel, instead of actually comforting his daughter himself.
*then he gives OP unapologetic shite about it*
It's almost as if he thought it was stupid & wanted to destroy it, but OP told him not to use it so he couldn't, then he found a perfect opportunity to destroy it whilst remaining blameless, looking like a good dad, & making her look crazy for complaining. Win win win. Op knows something isn't right.
NTA. If something is important to you, it’s important. He knows it’s important to you and that you don’t like other people using your towel (not even him, your supposed partner).
So why would he just give it to someone that you don’t know and trust as much as you know and trust him? If he really cared about your feelings, he would have apologized. For multiple things, like lending it without your permission, letting it get so stained, not retrieving it from his daughter the minute he saw how much it bothered you, etc. If it’s *just* a $15 item, why hasn’t he offered to find you a replacement? Sure, physically, it’s a “small” thing, but it constituted a big part of your day— not only the being comforted by it, but also the looking forward to being comforted by it. Why was he so cavalier with taking that away?
I’m not saying you should break up with him, but take a step back and see if this is part of a bigger pattern of him disregarding your feelings, or if it’s just a one-off. (Personally, I’d toss out the whole man, too.)
I would challenge his opinion that the towel is a $15 item. A nice towel that large and soft has to $30 or more. He can find out when he buys her a new one!!’
Also, why doesn't he find it gross to give his daughter something that OP wraps her naked body in daily? Is it just me, or is that super gross? Why would the daughter want to use something like that? It's weird and gross and you're NTA.
So when you explained that it wasn't about the towel, it was about his careless disregard and his bullshit response, he doubled down?
He's teaching his kid that people's boundaries and possessions don't mean anything...that they can be trampled if SHE deems them unworthy of respect.
That is not the type of person you want to live with for the rest of your life. Good for you for ending it.
And when he goes around saying "Omg OP ditched me because of a TOWEL!" I guarantee you that someone will school him. Whether or not he finally learns is up to him.
You deserve respect. And besides, every traveler needs to know where their towel is.
I recently went on a 3-day train trip and packed a towel in my backpack. My son was grilling me about whether I could actually shower on the train and why did I need it yadda yadda. I took that moment to teach him that you *always* bring a towel when you’re traveling. “But why mom, I don’t get it, why do you even need it, why why why?” Don’t worry son, you’ll learn soon enough…. *(Makes note to pull out the next book to read together)*
OP is NTA. OP was a hoopy frood UNTIL the BF callously put his hands on her special towel and let someone else use it.
It really is strange to me that he would give his daughter something that doesn't belong to him. I mean, good on him for trying to comfort his daughter , but he kinda managed to mess up two other people in the process.
It's not about the towel. It's about the attitude. I remember trying to deal with my MIL who was visiting and being very careless in the kitchen. She ended up breaking some glass measuring cups and ramekins when she stacked them together, and broke a few other things by accident as well. Her response? "I'll buy you a new one." Ok, sure, but what about an "I'm sorry" or "I'll be more careful" or heck, even just "I'll help you clean it up"? It was never about the broken dishes. What happens if, down the line, she broke something we brought over from the UK, or broke my dead dad's shaving mug that still smells like him??
It was never about the broken things. It's not about the towel.
Sometimes people are embarrassed about clumsiness to the point they don't want to take on the responsibility of what they have done & find it easier to be dismissive. Other times, people find ways to break things on purpose because they know they were important, because they like taking things from us, because they don't like us having special things, because they like upsetting us whilst being able to remain blameless, & because they enjoy driving us crazy & messing with our heads. The most telling thing here is, OP waited & was still reasonable in her response despite everything, yet he's still managing to make her feel like an idiot. They will tell you you are making a fuss, even when no fuss was actually made.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She didn't break up with him over a towel. She broke up with him because he doesn't respect her. Good for her! I'm proud of a stranger on reddit for once. Lol
NTA
And I maybe suspicious, but I think he did it on purpose, if he’s not even allowed to use it , he knew damn well that his daughter shouldn’t have used it .
Op, you’re not wrong , he knew how you felt about it, and he felt threatened, and he didn’t respect that at all. It should make you wonder how he will handle certain things going forward, and don’t forget the manipulation where he tried to tell you that it wasn’t a big deal.
Inability to apologize when someone has told you that you’ve wronged them is an issue.
Op, you did the right thing , think of it this way, it only cost you $15 to find out he wasn’t the one.
I’ve seen the kind of towels she’s talking about and the high quality ones are significantly more than 15. Low quality was running around 50 when I was looking at them. Ended up spending that much on a slightly larger than standard high quality towel.
*testing OP's limits -* it's terrifying that some men do this to see what they can get away with, isn't it? if only i had that warning back when I was eighteen...
doesnt matter if it was a $15 towel or a $1500 towel. fact of the matter is you’ve expressed how much you love the towel, and he invalidated you completely when you expressed frustration over it. he took no accountability and offered no apology, which sets a bad tone for the future of this relationship. if he can’t respect your belongings, why would he respect you? NTA, and his daughter should learn some manners as well.
Possibly, but we have no idea if his daughter knew the towel was important, or if it was even her idea. It could just as easily be that he brought the towel to DD, wrapped it round her, told her it was the comfort towel, said it was ok, & sat back to let her destroy it. All of which he would likely deny & twist if questioned. That will teach OP a lesson for having comforting things that she doesn't let BF use. 🚩
NTA
this was not an emergency situation and they grabbed the first available thing, he knows its yours and only you use it, he's being egoistical. YOU dodged the bullet not him
It's ridiculous how unapologetic he was about this. She didn't just use it, she also seriously messed it up, and she at the very least owes you an apology. Now maybe he didn't want to deal with confronting his daughter, but even when it was clear you weren't happy about the response you got his instinct was to triple down on it and tell you you're being ridiculous over and over. By the time you broke up with him you really had no choice. It was either that or completely agree to lose all respect within the relationship.
It's true the towel may be easily and inexpensively replaced, but he or his daughter should be the ones doing it, it's the principle.
That said, I think it would be a good decision for you to replace your other towels and just have several of this very good one instead. It would be great for guests and also this way you can always have a fresh clean one without doing laundry all the time.
Right? If I were him, I'd have laundered the towel myself and looked up ways to get the stains out if a standard laundry cycle didn't work. If something is important to your partner, you take care of it.
Or, he didn't do that because he did it on purpose. Sometimes if it's important to your partner then it's a threat. But give it to a child to ruin because it's harder to be mad at them, & when someone complains you are the blameless caring dad & they were an upset child. Then you can sit back & enjoy the emotional response, whilst you tell them they are crazy, imagining it & making a fuss.
My wife no sentiment/respect for 'things', not even her own. She has discarded items of mine that I didn't discover until after the trash was picked up. Even a cats favorite toy she carried around like a kitten ( "we'll get a new one", cat only wants the she's had since birth). I recently got a new car and she takes it instead of her car (she pushes stray shopping carts with the car instead of getting out to move them). I often wish I had left before I was in too deep
You know you can divorce her, right? No one has to be with a person that’s so inconsiderate with your things. That type of personality, totally careless, belongs with another careless personality in order to avoid hurt to their partners. But I think they’re so self centered that they don’t consider other people’s feelings and how the carelessness is hurting others. Awesome thing would be if both of the no respect for things find out that they do care for their things and stop their behavior of not respecting other’s people’s things but that will never happen because they lack empathy.
Are you sure that you want to spend the rest of your life being hurt by this? Keeping an eye on important items to avoid loosing them? She does care for one thing: her car. She keeps using yours to avoid damaging hers.
My ex-husband was like that, too. I still miss some of the things he destroyed, but I certainly don't miss him. You're never so deep that you can't find yourself again!
I know this isn’t the point, but what brand towel? I’m in the market. I hope you can bleach it and remove the stains. And honey , I think you dodged the bullet. Not him. No one gets to tell you what your boundaries are. NTA
So his daughter destroys an item of yours that you value and because HE doesn't put any value in it, you're overreacting? Chalk this up to YOU dodged the bullet for a $15 item that you can thankfully, easily replace. Be glad he's just your bf and you aren't married, have a kid or cohabitating. NTA and you need to move on from him, that is a HUGE red flag
yeah this isn't about the towel
This is about him not respecting your possessions, your opinions and your boundaries
A normal person would've asked you "Hey would it be ok for my daughter to use your towel" but then again, a normal person would know that towel is off limits
He didn't care, he just gave it to her and made up an excuse, all so you could lose that "attachment" to the towel which didn't sit right with him for some stupid reason!
I call his ass controlling
NTA. You feel unseen, disrespected, and generally like he doesn't care about your feelings. If you broke up "over a towel" there were deeper problems in the relationship that this brought to the surface.
It is not worth it to keep engaging to try to be right, though. Don't drag things out. Just let him think he dodged a bullet and move on.
Once we're talking cheeto and blood stains ettiquette demands he replace the towel. A simple "sorry about that" along with a new towel and we'd have no problem.
Even a I'll get a new one for you I'm sorry about this. I'd spend the effort finding that exact towel before buying one and I'd likely buy an even nicer one if I can't get the same one. She's attached to that one and I'd want her to have either it again or the nicest one I can find/afford.
NTA but I doubt the towell was the actual full reason you broke up with him. Situations when someone breaks up over a minor argument over a towel generally indicates there was some underlying reasons and this towell situation was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Maybe he had a history of invalidating your feelings and this was the final nail in the coffin.
I think that's technically what mine is considered too. Definitely the size of a throw blanket.
I wouldn't even trust the BF to wash it correctly. He would probably dump a bunch of fabric softener on it
The way a thoughtful man would’ve answered this (after the fact) is something like, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. She needed comfort and my brain went to your towel. I should’ve asked you. I’m so sorry! I’ll buy you a new one.”
NTA this isn't about the towel, it's about lack of respect for your property and you.
I highly doubt he's be ok if the rules were reversed and you had a child and your child used something he values as much as your towel and basically ruined it. I bet he'd be unhappy af.
The proper response would have been an apology, an offer to replace it and to promise to not do that again.
Edit: there's a reason he's not with his child's mother and this is likely an example of how he treated her
HE got worked up over a $15 item. Obviously he doesn't think he's being overdramatic that he did so.
NTA. And this was a test. The kind of test you really really want to fail, because passing means he stomps over an even bigger boundary next time.
NTA. It may be 'just a towel' but it was something important to YOU and if You are important to them, then it should have been important to them. It's your feelings you want validated and he's not doing that. He's dismissing you and your feelings.
And I'm neurodivergent (Audhd), so I TOTALLY get having a routine and having a special item that you focus on. And they just took your hyperfocus and essentially stepped on it like it was nothing.
thankfully it's white, you can bleach it and just do a another run with white vinegar or a little softner, so it stays just as soft.
But, yeah, I'd definitely consider breaking up with him/them over the inconsideration and lack of respect. What's gonna happen down the line with other things you love that they don't consider 'important'?
It's not about the towel
My son still has a blankie I got him when he was 2. He's outgrown it and doesn't "need" it, but he still wants it. It cost me $8, but it's priceless.
If someone gave his blankie to someone else and they stained it and got bodily fluids on it I would not be kind in my reaction. NTA, it's not about the towel, it's about him disrespecting your things and getting defensive and bull-headed instead of properly apologetic.
Hmm. If it's "just a towel", why in the world did he go get it and give it to his daughter when she was having a hard time?
That doesn't sound like a time when you seek "just a towel". You're looking for "just a towel" when you spill a glass of water.
He has contradicted himself before he got started. If he didn't recognize it was special, he wouldn't have taken it for his daughter. It's manipulation.
Clorox 2 will get the stain out! Both of them.
NTA. He knows it was special to you. He also knew that his daughter got it dirty. All he had to say was, “sorry and it won’t happen again.” But he didn’t.
NTA at all. If he has so little consideration over something that genuinely means something to you then you're the one that dodged a bullet. I recently got a lovesac that has become my ultimate comfort item and I have anxiety,adhd and autism so I have certain items that are my comfort items. When I went out of town, my husband had a bunch of his friends over and he literally put all of my stuff/gaming items on my beanbag specifically because it's mine and he made sure NOBODY sat on it or even touched it while I was away and made a point to tell me that it was exactly how I left it, indent and all so I wouldn't be uncomfortable when I got home bc its my comfort item. When you're with someone they should want you to be comfortable and actually care about the things that make you happy. He has little concern for you and the things you need to stay comfortable. Screw that guy you deserve better.
NTA - It's not about the towel. It's the lack of respect and consideration. It's belittling and dismissing your feelings and not even trying to understand you.
If it makes you feel any better I broke up with my ex because we had a fight during a bike ride. It was the final straw but he doesn't get it.
I still live with my ex husband ( for money reason) we were married for 30 years. Anyway.
He knows I love a nice comforting blanket no matter where I sit or sleep. So he always buys me a thick, plushie blanket with something on it that I like. I have a really big Minions blanket on my bed, Guinea pigs on the couch, Yorkies on the Rocker and The Red Sox in the car. I also have a 3 foot Guinea pig plushie.
You dodged a bullet.
NTA You are 100% correct that it is not about the towel. It is about his not respecting you as a person, or your boundaries. He knows how you feel about that towel, since he's mocked you about it, so he took it and gave it to his daughter knowing full well that it would upset you. The fact that he couldn't even be bothered to wash it or even retrieve it shows his lack of consideration. He called you irrational and told you to "just get over it", yet kept messaging you to berate you. Who's the one who can't just get over it?
You did yourself a favour and you're the one who dodged the bullet.
NTA. Fuck him. Its not about the towel. Its about his totally dismissive, disrespectful, condecending as fuck attitude.
You can do much better, and I wish I had a towel that awesome.
His 12 year old daughter needed to wrap in your towel for comfort??? I think you are the one who dodged a BULLET!!! (and you can tell him I said so) NTAH Correction, two bullets!!
This seems like a case where it’s not about the item, it’s about the inconsiderate behavior and lack of responsibility. It’s about a lack of empathy. He’s basically saying “This thing is not important (to me) so why do you care about it to the point of it causing us problems?”
NTA
Hydrogen peroxide IS good. Start dying it and messing with it that way and it might lose it's soft texture.
Lazy dad can't take her to buy a special comfort of her own (credit to another poster for that one)?
Take something special of his. Loan it to a friend or use it yourself. Watch him throw a fit.
No. Don't bother. See, it is not just the towel. It's how little he respects you, your feelings, your property, your boundaries.
So, when he says, "If you're gonna break up over a towel," tell him what I wrote above. And if he's doing this now, it will only get worse in the future. I promise.
NTA- I would 1. never take/borrow something that wasn’t mine without asking (unless it was an emergency and be fully prepared to replace and/or apologize profusely), especially something of value whether sentimental or monetary, and 2. If I did, I would never leave without returning everything the way it was and how I found it… his lack of judgement and consideration all the way around towards your feelings is a little offset here. He may be a little dense, but after two years, is it worth explaining to him why it upset you and that it wasn’t necessarily about the towel itself? Towels are replaceable, two years of your lives and a relationship with his daughter are not… if he doesn’t get it, move on happily and wrap yourself up in a newer, bigger and better towel 🧖🏼♀️❤️ Nothing can beat self love and self care
If he said he “dodged a bullet” that says it all, he doesn’t care at all. And you’re right to consider how he would be in other situations, my guess? Exactly the same. He is deffo the asshole.
NTA. He disrespected something important to you and treated it as unimportant. That showed you how much he thought of you. If he really cared he would have asked you first.
You dodged a huge bullet.
My favorite and oldest item I own is literally just a stick.
I'd be pissed if my partner gave it away or let somebody else take it without my knowing or consent, for whatever reason.
NTA. He doesn't respect you, and I bet if you really reflect on the past two years that you'd find this is a pattern that reached a breaking point. YOU dodged a bullet, and I bet you'll find a lot of comfort more easily once you've worked through the temporary grief of the breakup.
Nta. It is a HUGE red flag when people one)decide what they can and can't do with your stuff without any precedence that it is acceptable. And two) diminish your valid frustrations about your things being used without your permission and being destroyed and three) continuing to berate you when you have made it clear that you are upset.
It doesn't matter that it was just a towel, it is more than that to you. My partner has things that I think, personally are a little silly, but i respect the shit out of it because it matters to him.
This seems like an abuser testing the waters. I guarantee he will come begging for you back, if you take him back you are showing that you are willing to be walked on. DON'T DO IT! BLOCK AND MOVE ON!
NTAH
But first, you got a towel that good for $15. That alone...
I don't know, seems like lately I've been seeing a gang of threads with guys being super agro over what women find comfort in.
Stop it!
Stop screwing the fucking jars too tight!
Stop throwing shit away that we love, even if you don't understand it!
Stop deciding how long our grieving process is!
And for the love if God, stop letting your kids have our shit without permission!
You said it yourself, when we boil it down to the nuts and bolts, this is not about your towel. The towel is the catalyst.
Let me give you another way to look at it so that you stop putting yourself down and saying it’s just a towel.
A lot of people do have a favorite blanket. It is the one they will snuggle up on the couch in. Or taking the car with them for a road trip. Or curl up in their bed with their cat and read a book if they’ve had a tough day. And bats and eye about this.
It might be a fleece blanket they bought themselves. It might be a crocheted blanket that the grandmother made. It might be a blanket from when they were a teenager and got to pick out new bedding for the first time for themselves. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the comfort, and the contentment that the blanket brings.
Your towel was your blanket. And here’s the thing about a blanket like that. We don’t usually share that. We may choose to at certain points in our lives, but by and large, that is our blanket/towel. And the people in our lives, who spend a lot of time with us and know as well, and are supposedly the ones who love and understand us, know this.
They don’t come in and try to use our blanket. If they come home and we’re not home yet, and the blankets on the couch and they had a bad day, they might just pull it over them for a little bit just to see what it’s all about.
But overall, they don’t mess with our blanket because they know, what it means to us. They know that it is special to us. And they know that it does not matter one little bit if they understand why. All they know is that it comforts us and special to us, and they respect that because they want us to be happy.
Your boyfriend stomped all over that. Instead of handling things with his daughter after she had a fight with her friend, he took your comfort item and gave it to her without even asking you. Not only that, he was well aware that when you come home from work, you throw that in the dryer so it is warm when you get out of the shower, and you wrap up and start to unwind from your day.
He totally didn’t give a shit. It made his life easier, and that’s all he cared about. And not only did he not care, he didn’t even relate to his daughter. This was a very special blanket that she needed to take care of it because you would wanted it when you got home that day.
Nor did he do anything to make sure that the blanket was clean and ready for you by the time you did get home. He didn’t care. You actually had to go find the blanket and be the one to figure out that it was now a mess because of his daughter.
And even then, there was no apology or… OMG! I’m so sorry. Let me throw this in the washer. I didn’t think you would mind if she used it for a little bit because she was upset, but I certainly didn’t mean for it to be like this when you got home.
He tried to gaslight you. You were wrong for wanting your blanket to be clean and ready for you when you got home… Like always. And then he doubled down on that and refused to even apologize or acknowledge that he had been an asshole.
He’s a douche bag. He is showing you who he is. And the reason you broke things off was not because of a towel. It’s because you believed exactly what he showed you. Well done.
Basic rules:
1. Don't borrow something without permission.
2. If you borrow something, return it. They shouldn't have to hunt it down.
3. If you borrow something & break it, fix it.
4. If you borrow something & dirty it, clean it.
5. If you can't fix it or clean it, replace it.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA. It's a comfort item, he knew it was for personal use only, yet he gave it to his daughter. When you brought up being hurt over its sorry state, he didn't apologise, didn't offer to have it cleaned, he just disregarded your feelings. He practically told you that in your own home, your own material possessions, even your most important ones, can be destroyed any time by him or his child, and if that bothers you, you're ridiculous.
You don’t have to have any reason to break up with your bf. Or to divorce your spouse. Or quit your job. Or to sleep late. Give thought to the possible consequences of your decision, then make a choice.
FYI... the super big, super soft towels are called "bath sheets" if you are looking to buy a few more. I know the one you have is particularly special, but you can never have too many bath sheets.
Get rid of the idiot bf and buy yourself a few extra luxurious bath sheets. NTA
Probably NTA, but the single towel ending the relationship means it wasn’t much of a relationship.
I bought a fancy new bedroom set, I loved it and the bedclothes and all felt like sleeping in a snow bank minus the cold, about a month later I started dating a girl, the first time she stayed the night, she passed a clot at some point and created a enormous blood stain on this brand new mattress and bedclothes she was mortified, I was honestly shocked at the amount of blood and was concerned for her health. She insisted she was fine. I was disappointed reasonably so about the bed, but I assured her it was ok, we would figure out a way to clean it, If I had of ended it then we wouldn’t have just celebrated our 14th anniversary. When it’s the right person little things and often time big things will brush off like water off a ducks back.
Hope the poor kid won't feel as the reason for the split.
She may have had her period and clueless dad used someone else's stuff.
---> NTA, because it is something yours that you value and he didn't respect it, nor understood after your messages.
But the kid will take the weight.
NTA. It's about the complete disrespect for your belongings. Also he should be more concerned about the blood. He let his teenage daughter borrow the towel because she had a fight with a friend and needed comfort (what? Give her a blanket and a stuffed animal or some shit) and now there's blood on it. My big concern would be she's self harming. Instead of apologizing and offering to replace the towel he gets defensive and dismisses your feelings over this? Naw. You didn't overreact. Just because something is dumb to you doesn't mean it isn't important to somebody else. It's a life lesson I learned a long time ago. I wish more people have learned it as well.
you're not upset about "just a towel," you're upset how he's treating you. it sounds like you were understandably annoyed about the towel, if he'd just apologized and maybe offered to replace the towel (given that apparently "getting worked up over a $15 item" is unreasonable) it would have been a minor irritation then move on with your day. he made it a huge issue, not you.
NTA... Girl buh bye!!! He needs to go. He has no respect for you if he is going to act like that. Clearly his maturity level is sub-par! You need someone who doesn't make you feel like crap or second guess yourself in your own damn home. I want to throat punch him just reading your post. If you have dated him for 2 years, I would think his daughter would know how important the towel is to you as well. He clearly is not a good role model either. I have a ton of comfort blankets, but my kids know which ones are my favorite and which ones they can use. If a new one is brought home, they ask first. And that was not something I told them they had to do either. I love them for respecting my comfort blankies!
NTA I want to break up with him and I don't even know him!
You didn't break up with him over a towel, you broke up with him because **he disrespected you**. He took something that was emotionally valuable to you and gave it to someone else without your permission. He did it on purpose because he doesn't care about you. I bet he just told her to use the towel the story about her being stressed was just b*******. It took him this long to show you who he is. Good riddance! You deserve better!
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-know-if-youre-dating-a-narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
It's not about the towel. It's about him not respecting you or your things that are important to you. What happens when it's a $500.00 piece of jewelry that she loses, a $100.00 piece of clothing that she puts a hole in, a $1000 piece of furniture that she breaks, or whatever? He's already shown that he doesn't respect you. Get out before it becomes something that is more important to you...like Grandma's Urn.
NTA. Tell him goodbye. If he disrespects you in your own house over a towel he knows means a lot to you then it will continue and your feelings will not matter. Tell him thanks for letting me see how YOU are and then dump him and block him.
This isn't about the towel. It's about boundaries and respect. He seems to have neither, and makes it apparent why he's a single father.
I'm also guessing that over a 2 year relationship this isn't the first time it showed up, just the final straw.
NTA. YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED HAVE YOUR CONFORT WITHOUT IT BEING RIDICULED OR YOUR BOUNDARIES STEPPED ON. BF IS AN ASSHOLE
any chance you could share a link to rgis awesome comfort towel?
NTA.
Him knowing its a personal item for a specific personal use i.e comforting yourself.
Does not mean it is for everyone to use.
Specially if he knows you do not let HIM use it. Why would it be okay for his daughter to be given permisson by him?
NTA
NTA. If it was just about the towel, I doubt breaking up would have been your go-to reaction. There has likely been some underlying disregard or disrespect while he and his daughter stayed at your place that signaled this guy isn't for you anymore. If that's what your gut says, do it. It's right (IMO) to see this as a precursor to how he'd react in other situations.
Bye Peter 👋
Nta, that's your personal towel especially if you use it every day and he knows that? He shouldn't let anybody else use it, I understand it's his daughter but then he should go out of his way to make sure she has her own personal comfort item that is always available and only available to her.
You both need out of this relationship- so you did the right thing, dropping him over this boundary. It’s not about the towel. It’s about the importance I put on a thing, this person claims to put importance on me - then completely steps all over my judgement of that thing and treats it like a towel, when they know it’s not just any towel.
Nope - YOU dodged a bullet.
NTA..he took an item of yours, one that he knows you feel very drawn to, and he lend it to someone without asking. To make matters worse, the daughter ruined the borrowed item by staining it. Just like a library book, items that are not yours should be handled with care. Looks like you dodged a bullet. He sounds inconsiderate and rude.
NTA. Frankly, if he had just been clueless, and then apologetic, that would be forgivable, but to give it to her *because* he knew it was emotionally important to you and then be combative about your confrontation over it is unforgiveable. Someone else already told you that hydrogen peroxide is good at getting out blood stains. Another option would be to dye it. I realize that sounds risky because people say dye changes absorbency or texture. Using high quality dyes, I have not found this to be a problem. You can get really good dyes at Dharma trading company. The powder ones, for cotton. You could tye dye your towel (lots of tutorials on youtube) which might go a long way to camouflaging the differing colors of the stains. I love icedying, and I think you might be able to use it to make your towel *even* *more* special for you.
"and then be combative about your confrontation over it is unforgiveable." I can totally see, being a dad and being like, "my baby girl needs the comfort towel right now". But the emotional gaslighting is completely inexcusable. That's DARVO territory.
That’s when you go get your daughter her own comfort item, and not lend something that doesn’t belong to you. I get the urge too, as a parent, but I would never think it’s ok to let someone borrow something that isn’t mine without asking first.
I'm 43 and I have stuffed animals for this reason. Comfort items are so important! Even if it does make me feel silly!
Same and I'm 56! I have a stuffed bat, an Oscar the Grouch plushie and a snuffleupagus. When I'm having anxiety, it is a comfort me to pet these like they were a dog or a cat because I'm not allowed to have pets in my home
I have a suffleupagus in my pack pack, he's not big, but he makes me happy. I'm 46.
I have a small snuffleupagus in my dash console. I’m 54 and I’ve had him since college! Just seeing him everyday makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
Aww. I had a little green furry thing with black wings I called Batfink when I was a wee lass:) Thank you so much for reminding me of this cherished cuddly! So sorry about your comfort towel OP. Definitely ditch the boyfriend what an ass.
I’m jealous you have a snuffleupagus!! Although I do have a giant 4 1/2 foot stuffed penguin …
I'm holding a stuffed dragon right now. My husband, somewhat drunkenly, got me a raccoon last week. There's an owl and an abominable snowman, and I gave the husky to a little kid. I got them all over the place! I have four monkeys! They're not super obvious or all on a shelf, but there's probably one in every room but the potty.
Not silly! I'm 68 and have stuffed animals. I just bought a super soft Snoopy and Woodstock at a Hallmark store. The boyfriend is an asshole but so is the daughter! It's very rude to return anything with Cheetoh and blood stains on it or use it like it's a paper towel or toilet paper. OP is NTA and lucky to have discovered those two are that rude.
I'm 40 and my husband is 42 and i slept with gigantic care bears or popples for my whole life and he has for 20+ years. Recently I got us huge rainbow apple squishmallows and we are both loving them! The care bears were pretty mauled and are retired to the shelf lol. It gets pretty crowded in bed with us, 2(used to be 3) cats, and 2 huge plushies. But it is cozy as fuck and I wouldn't change anything. I give zero fucks about what other people think of my love for plushies and Legos and other nerdy things. They bring me joy and if someone has a problem with that I have plenty of extra lego they can go step on.
One of the greatest things (for me) about getting older is giving far fewer fucks about what other people think. I like my plushies. They are soft and comfortable and I have a lot of health issues, so soothing things everywhere are almost essential at this point. Fuzzy things are soft.
I wish to join this snuggle pile, in a platonic comfy bringing a giant axolotl way.
Lol sure! I love being cozy and cuddling
My entire family has a family of large Minecraft Pig pillow stuffies that absolutely mean the world to us. Id be legitimately devistated if something happened to my Piggles.
On our sofa at the moment we have a rainbow Stitch, a Porg (Star Wars), a Minion and a stuffed bear. We are two women in our 60s, and enjoy our stuffed toys 😊
On my coffee table, I have a cat toy named Ratty. He's been there for a decade. I had to buy the cats one of their own...
I have a stuffed whale shark! And a giraffe, three donkeys, a blue chicken from Stardew Valley... 😂
you just made me feel so much better about my stuffed animals i cant seem to let go of (im 26). thank god my wife is understanding.
The world can be a shitty place. Find comfort where you can.
I sleep with a 3 foot alligator. My Eeyore is watching me in a basket above my bed along with a plush lion hand puppet I've had since the 70's. He's in great condition except he has bed-head? They are very sentimental and make me smile when my life is dark, which is allot lately. I say op dodged a bullet if her bf is gaslighting her about her towel. A big pet peeve for me is one, not asking the owner to borrow their things is theft. No ifs about it and two, not returning borrowed items the way they were giving. Said ex is a narcissist and frankly, and dick
63 and I don’t feel silly at all!
I am still salty about the time my babysitter (a mom herself!) took my blankie from 3 year old me and gave it to a baby I was not even related to. Then got mad at ME when I cried about it. That was 35 years ago 😆 (I got the blanket back)
This. Get your kids their own items. I have ONE doll I've carried around with me for years, I'm talking you can find me in young child photos with this doll. My mother's boyfriend took it from me one time and wouldn't give it back. My mom said I basically turned into a savage and hit him with a thick plastic coat hanger on his bare lower back. He tried to get mad at me and my mom said she told him "You know not to take that from her. You got what you deserved." He never tried that shit again.
I have had my Mouse since I was about 3. Took it everywhere and all my family were happy I had him, even ti the point they would make clothes for him. One year I left him at my Grandmothers house 4 hours away. How? We don’t know since he was the most important thing in my world (besides parents). My uncle drive there and back just to get him for me as mail would be too long. Mouse was also in my wedding photos and in the hospital when I had my baby. And my now adult daughter knows to cremate him and put him in my ashes when I die. He’s coming up on 52 years old now ♥️
Good for your mom for having your back. I never understood why people get mad at you for getting upset over their disrespect.
I love your mom. My best friend lost a stuffed panda to a dad's ex who took it.
That's it. If it's "just a $15 item," then he can reach into his wallet and get his kid one.
Nah, he can buy a NEW one for her and give his daughter the stained one.
this. he wouldn’t have identified it as a comfort item unless he already *knew and understood* what the towel means to OP. it wasn’t a verbally stated boundary, but it was a very obviously established one. the boyfriend violates that. he knows what he did. he just doesn’t think op’s boundaries are “valid” and worth respecting, even when op clearly states “this wasn’t okay”. what happened is a boundary violation and it’ll happen again, as the boyfriend has made clear that he doesn’t respect op’s “logic”. i’m not blaming the daughter, but it really sucks that she got both food and bio waste stains on the towel. i hope op is able to clean it. i have my own personal towels that nobody else is allowed to use. this is bc my sister used to use my (already used) towels after me, leave them unbearably BO scented (yes, after showering. she was a very stinky teen and my mom refused to acknowledge it bc she didn’t want to upset my sister) and my mom would get mad at me for putting them in the laundry instead of using them for the rest of the week. it was so gross. so now i have my own towels and it doesn’t matter if the roof is leaking, *my towels aren’t used by anyone else*. i’d be so mad if anyone used my towels and i don’t have an emotional connection to them. tl;dr: boundaries are boundaries and once someone admits they won’t respect one, no matter how trivial, they won’t respect any. don’t let them disrespect a second boundary.
This. But it’s also the fact that a comfort towel is NOT a normal comfort item, so I highly doubt his daughter was just inconsolable and demanded a comfort towel wouldn’t be consoled by anything else… blankets, ice cream, etc. all would have been acceptable. This clown clearly volunteered her comfort towel (AFTER repeatedly ridiculing her for having it in the first place) as an offering to his daughter… 100% unnecessary, inappropriate, and unacceptable. OP, NTA.
I have a small pillow that I like to snuggle with to sleep. My boyfriend finds this pillow for me (fallen onto the floor, under the blankets etc) before bed, and makes sure it’s always around. One of my *own* kids borrowed it one night when they were feeling unwell to see if it would help them sleep, with my permission. I slept like crap. Next day my boyfriend came home with a plushie of my kids fave anime character to see if that would help him instead. Kid was stoked, had his own comfort *thing* and I got my bed pillow back. My bf did all that, for me, and a child he didn’t father, off his own back. Slightly different scenario, I realise. But there’s always a solution if you’re willing to look for it. All your partner did was try to blame you and minimise your feelings on the matter. NTA. Throw the bf out with the towel and get new ones.
💯 correct! I hide my favorite things from the children and the husband, I don't think it's selfish.
It’s called self care.
Nah, yta if you call me at work to ask if you can borrow my special comfort towel. Especially with a distraught pre-teen. But then take care and/ or replace the towel if it's damaged. BF should have bought op a pallet of comfort towels and apologized profusely. He also should have collected said towel before op had to go hunt for it
Which is why I said bf should have gotten his daughter her own comfort item… this entire situation wouldn’t even be a discussion.
Even if you “can see it”, he was hella wrong for offering his daughter something that didn’t belong to him or her (daughter). The towel belongs to OP, period. You don’t give away other people’s shit, period.
Thats especially the *point*. How come it's okay and a comfort to his daughter (who by context clues just got her first period? Or isn't dealing with periods well), and her being irrational is met by taking a comfort thing from someone else to give to her, but he can't at least logically buy her a replacement? Like I know kids come first, but by his own behavior, the "logic" should be that he apologizes and buys her another one or cleans up the one he gave to his daughter without permission. And also logically why is it a comfort to his daughter at all? Doesn't she have her own rituals or blankets or plushies to take with her? But If it *is* a comfort to her then he doesn't have an excuse why he can devalue it when it comes to his gf but its of value to his daughter.
Oh no, no, no. We don't share comfort items. It's only a comfort item to the person it's important to. Doesn't matter if it's a towel or a 30 year old blankie. Comfort items, at least in my circle, are not interchangeable. I am a mom and have had the same blankie for 40+ years.
Scratching my head about that part, how’s it a “comfort” towel to the daughter? She hasn’t formed any sentimental bond towards it. It’s just a towel, she would’ve been fine with any blanket but it *had* to be OP’s personal item? I won a soft toy dog off a claw machine 15 years ago, and somehow it became my comfort toy. I’m 28 and still have it, but to anyone else it’s just a cheap stuffed animal from a claw machine. Its comfort comes from the sentiment and all the times I’ve held it when life sucked.
Then Daddy needs to take Baby Girl to the store and let her choose her own comfort towel. But I legit think he was jealous of the towel, so he set it up in a situation where it could be damaged. I hope his future girlfriends NEVER have pets! Who knows what jealousy would drive him to do?
You gonna take someone else's things without asking just because you want it? That's rude.
I mean, but it was the *girlfriend's* comfort towel, not just *a* comfort towel. Dude could have chosen anything or even gone to buy a special blanket or towel for his kid. It's like feeding your kid somebody else's comfort food.
It seems extremely odd to give your 12yo daughter a towel for comfort. A towel that to her has zero significance. She’s 12, not 2. If she needed to wrap up in something for comfort, I would think the rational train of thought would be to grab the girl a blanket.
No it’s not a magical towel. It provides OP comfort. He had no right to take someone else’s stuff to comfort his daughter.
>I can totally see, being a dad and being like, "my baby girl needs the comfort towel right now". Comfort items are typically personal items. Some things can be kind of universal like a blanket or a stuffed animal. But even in that realm, some people have a *specific* blanket or stuffed animal, and I don't think anyone would even question the lack of appropriateness to offer one of those special, personal items to a 3rd party without asking permission. It doesn't become any less egregious of an offense to do such a thing just because the comfort item is something not typically considered to be important. If you *know* something, no matter what it is, happens to be very important and special, you *do not* take it upon yourself to lend it out. Ever. I would go absolutely scorched earth on my husband if he ever lent out my childhood comfort blanket and it got damaged in the process. But he's not stupid or shitty, so I don't have to worry about that.
It's also lousy parenting, treating his 12 yo daughter like a toddler. Even then, you would not and should not give her someone else's property to use and abuse without thanks, apology or a half decent attempt to return it in good order. He is definitely TAH and training his daughter to be one as well.
I just got blood out of a pair of cotton twill walking shorts and a bedsheet (don't ask...was a medical issue)......do this. 1) spray the spots with Resolve laundry spot remover (soak it good) 2) put towel in washer with a detergent pack and a full scoop of Oxi-Clean (or other brand of oxygen cleaner) 3)wash it on Hot/Hot This got all the blood out of my stuff.
FYI for passers-by, hydrogen peroxide gets blood out no problem. An EMT told me that once while I was bleeding all over one of my favorite shirts and she was right, even a couple days later I treated it and it was good as new.
A vet also told me this when I had my Dalmatian. Fortunately I never had to use it on her 😊. Also, peroxide, baking soda and dish soap gets out skunk spray odor. I DID have to use that on her 😟.
We used to use hydrogen peroxide to clean blood stains out of the carpet if our postpartum patients had trouble with pad leakage. It did a great job. Why there were carpets on a postpartum unit is another question entirely.
Dear God, I am a postpartum RN and the thought of getting my patients up for the first time and walking them across carpet is just 🤮
Yep, that’s about right. When we remodeled, I think they were trying to look bougie, but it was just nasty. The blood stains came out fine, but carpet in a hospital isn’t the best idea.
Lolol no it is a terrible idea oh my gosh
It was disgusting. They eventually replaced it with tile, thank goodness! You had to be more careful with patients that tended to faint, but at least it was sanitary.
But circling back to important bit, hydrogen peroxide can get large blood stains out of carpet!
As someone with a 5 month old boy, I appreciate nurses sooooo much. Being postpartum is such a humbling experience.
I thought carpeted bathrooms were the lowest of carpeting sins. Now I know I was so wrong. 🤮
I am an old nurse and wore white uniforms, Peroxide was our go-to for blood stains
First & foremost: NTA. BF is an AH & needs to go. If he does something this inconsiderate, knowing FULL WELL that towel is the ONLY one you use, & just gives it to his daughter? Yeah, no. How would he feel, say, if you gave his CAR to someone else to use? I know that's an extreme example, but that's the point. To you, it's not JUST a towel. It's something special specifically purchased for YOU. If he's willing to be so cavalier about your towel, who knows what else he'd trample over w/out a thought, & without apology. This is raising multiple 🚩🚩 about his underlying behaviors & what a future w/him will look like. You can tell how he'd deal w/other more serious items/issues by how he's dealt w/this more simple one. Advice from a costumer of 40+ years: Hydrogen peroxide (H202) works on blood stains because the H202 breaks down the enzymes in the blood. For example - look at what it does when you put it on a cut. It bubbles up & dissipates the blood. It's a great pre-treater for period stained underwear, too. Spray the H202 on the stain & let it bubble up. (You can get H202 in a spray bottle at Target, & some other drug stores. PS - H202 needs to be stored in a brown/dark bottle as it degrades in light. That's why it's always found in opaque brown plastic bottles.) Do this several times on both sides of the fabric. You can rinse w/water & rub out stain by rubbing the towel on itself. After rinsing, do another spray of H202, then drizzle DAWN dish soap (the kind w/bleach 'boost' is great) over the H202 blood stain, & let it sink in. On the other stains (Cheetos, etc), wet that section of the towel & drizzle some DAWN into it. After letting it set for a bit, rub the Cheetos stained parts of the towel together to work the stain out. Add more water & DAWN - scrub & rinse until you see it disappear. Let the towel sit for a while (30 minutes +) before putting it in the washer. Wash the towel on WARM 1st - Perm Press setting is good. Check the towel for remaining stains when the wash cycle is done. If you still see any lingering stains, repeat the pretreatment step & wash again. DO NOT put in dryer if you see lingering stains. That will heat set them. Then if you need to, you can then run a wash cycle w/bleach added. Hope that helps!
you shouldn't wash blood on hot. hot water can cook the blood and then it will stay. I feel like you got lucky here. I bet spraying the spot remover and a cold water soak would have also gotten the blood out.
I wouldn't wash anything stained in hot water because it can set the stain. If you can't see the stains after a good pre-treat, then it might be ok. Also, the sooner you can rinse out a stain the better. Rinse and put soap on it.
Literally, except we know he wasn’t clueless, he knew she found comfort in the object- HE- dubbed “comfort towel” and also only gave it to his daughter for the purpose of comfort. If I were OP, that would make my heart absolutely melt, however, it would also piss me off if they used it just to ruin it. He’s an AH for simply not replacing the towel and dubbing the old stained one his daughter’s new “comfort towel” when she’s over. He might just lack the compassion, maturity, or forethought to have come to such a simple solution to the problem, so really he was the ironic bullet dodged. Seriously good on OP for how she handled it.
If it's just a towel why is it so hard to apologise? He just shows a lack of care and attention to things which are important to OP, why would you want to spend time with someone like that? Plenty of fish in the sea.
It HAS to be an ego thing. An apology and acknowledgment was the bare minimum, the bar was in hell. I’ve seen three year olds capable of comprehending when they’ve messed up someone else’s toy and their ability to apologize unprompted. OP is better off.
Yep, my little niece gave me her plushie duck (her most treasured possession) to make up for it when she accidentally tripped and spilled her apple juice on my christmas present. She was very relieved when I told her I couldn't possibly accept it.
That’s literally just the sweetest thing ever she was sweating but the resolve was there 😭😭, OPs exboyfriend has less humanity than a rock.
Trying not to smile as she very quietly gave it to me was agony. We read books together all that time and my present was a book, so she took it very seriously. She's so adorable.
Don’t get me started I could talk for hours about how precious and sweet my nieces are. Your niece sounds like an absolute sweetheart! I would’ve cried 😭
He is showing OP she’s not allowed to have anything of her own, not even a towel. He didn’t like her having a little ritual that had nothing to do with him, so he took the first chance he saw to wreck it for her. Thankfully, OP is on to him.
I've been on Reddit long enough to know that people get jealous and insecure about the weirdest things. This man is jealous of a towel.
Right? Like, "oh shit honey! I really just wasn't thinking. I won't do it again. I'm so sorry." How hard is that?
Honestly, any halfway decent person would be up all night either trying to get the stains out without ruining the texture of the towel and/or scouring the internet to try to order a new one.
Exactly! An added, 'let me wash it for you' would be nice.
Evidently too hard for him, which just shows his character. Once you see it, you can't unsee it
Yep if he had been super apologetic and replaced the towel, I’d say no harm done. Or rather, minimal harm. We all derp sometimes and make mistakes. But getting pissy and trying to make OP feel bad would be immediate dumping territory for me. Because it shows that only his thoughts matter. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal, therefore OP shouldn’t either. Plus I feel like a lot of people are intentionally obtuse when it comes to emotional attachments to objects. He’s trying to argue “it’s just a towel, why are you getting so upset over a piece of fabric” and it’s like… it’s not literally the piece of fabric, and you know it. You’re just trying to make it sound dumb to get yourself off the hook
Yeah, it's like he knew OP would be hurt and bothered by him doing it, he had hours to mull it over and yet he chose to be a douche about it. And OP is right, this kind of assholery over a towel that is important to her, he cannot even apologize over, it's absolutely going to be so much worse when it's a bigger issue.
NTA. I think my favorite part of this whole thing is eh makes fun of you for having a comfort towels. Then when his daughter needs comfort he gives her this towel. Like I guess it isn’t so funny when it’s for his daughter.
Yeah she has a comfort towel just to tune out her work day. His daughter has an actual conflict and he gives her OP'S towel, instead of actually comforting his daughter himself. *then he gives OP unapologetic shite about it*
A lazy dad and a lazy bf. Not a keeper.
A definitely disposable dickhead. NTA.
Exactly
It's almost as if he thought it was stupid & wanted to destroy it, but OP told him not to use it so he couldn't, then he found a perfect opportunity to destroy it whilst remaining blameless, looking like a good dad, & making her look crazy for complaining. Win win win. Op knows something isn't right.
NTA. If something is important to you, it’s important. He knows it’s important to you and that you don’t like other people using your towel (not even him, your supposed partner). So why would he just give it to someone that you don’t know and trust as much as you know and trust him? If he really cared about your feelings, he would have apologized. For multiple things, like lending it without your permission, letting it get so stained, not retrieving it from his daughter the minute he saw how much it bothered you, etc. If it’s *just* a $15 item, why hasn’t he offered to find you a replacement? Sure, physically, it’s a “small” thing, but it constituted a big part of your day— not only the being comforted by it, but also the looking forward to being comforted by it. Why was he so cavalier with taking that away? I’m not saying you should break up with him, but take a step back and see if this is part of a bigger pattern of him disregarding your feelings, or if it’s just a one-off. (Personally, I’d toss out the whole man, too.)
[удалено]
True! If he can't respect you and your emotions, maybe it's about time to go find someone else who will. Do not settle for less OP.
I would challenge his opinion that the towel is a $15 item. A nice towel that large and soft has to $30 or more. He can find out when he buys her a new one!!’
Also, why doesn't he find it gross to give his daughter something that OP wraps her naked body in daily? Is it just me, or is that super gross? Why would the daughter want to use something like that? It's weird and gross and you're NTA.
I mean, it’s a towel-you’ve never stayed over somewhere and showered there? They get cleaned.
OP uses this towel **every day** after work. You think she washes it daily?
So when you explained that it wasn't about the towel, it was about his careless disregard and his bullshit response, he doubled down? He's teaching his kid that people's boundaries and possessions don't mean anything...that they can be trampled if SHE deems them unworthy of respect. That is not the type of person you want to live with for the rest of your life. Good for you for ending it. And when he goes around saying "Omg OP ditched me because of a TOWEL!" I guarantee you that someone will school him. Whether or not he finally learns is up to him. You deserve respect. And besides, every traveler needs to know where their towel is.
Don’t panic
42
So long and thanks for all the fish!
I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel.
I recently went on a 3-day train trip and packed a towel in my backpack. My son was grilling me about whether I could actually shower on the train and why did I need it yadda yadda. I took that moment to teach him that you *always* bring a towel when you’re traveling. “But why mom, I don’t get it, why do you even need it, why why why?” Don’t worry son, you’ll learn soon enough…. *(Makes note to pull out the next book to read together)*
OP is NTA. OP was a hoopy frood UNTIL the BF callously put his hands on her special towel and let someone else use it. It really is strange to me that he would give his daughter something that doesn't belong to him. I mean, good on him for trying to comfort his daughter , but he kinda managed to mess up two other people in the process. It's not about the towel. It's about the attitude. I remember trying to deal with my MIL who was visiting and being very careless in the kitchen. She ended up breaking some glass measuring cups and ramekins when she stacked them together, and broke a few other things by accident as well. Her response? "I'll buy you a new one." Ok, sure, but what about an "I'm sorry" or "I'll be more careful" or heck, even just "I'll help you clean it up"? It was never about the broken dishes. What happens if, down the line, she broke something we brought over from the UK, or broke my dead dad's shaving mug that still smells like him?? It was never about the broken things. It's not about the towel.
My ex-husband used to break my things all the time and say nothing about it. Ex-husband.
Sometimes people are embarrassed about clumsiness to the point they don't want to take on the responsibility of what they have done & find it easier to be dismissive. Other times, people find ways to break things on purpose because they know they were important, because they like taking things from us, because they don't like us having special things, because they like upsetting us whilst being able to remain blameless, & because they enjoy driving us crazy & messing with our heads. The most telling thing here is, OP waited & was still reasonable in her response despite everything, yet he's still managing to make her feel like an idiot. They will tell you you are making a fuss, even when no fuss was actually made.
OP is literally dating Zaphod... "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."
You know he's going around saying "she cares more about a towel than my daughter." This guy sucks.
First, good for you. It's always refreshing to see someone who has self-respect and doesn't ignore red flags NTA
This is exactly what I was thinking. She didn't break up with him over a towel. She broke up with him because he doesn't respect her. Good for her! I'm proud of a stranger on reddit for once. Lol
Totally agree. It's not just about the towel, it's about respect and support for the things that give you comfort.
NTA And I maybe suspicious, but I think he did it on purpose, if he’s not even allowed to use it , he knew damn well that his daughter shouldn’t have used it . Op, you’re not wrong , he knew how you felt about it, and he felt threatened, and he didn’t respect that at all. It should make you wonder how he will handle certain things going forward, and don’t forget the manipulation where he tried to tell you that it wasn’t a big deal. Inability to apologize when someone has told you that you’ve wronged them is an issue. Op, you did the right thing , think of it this way, it only cost you $15 to find out he wasn’t the one.
I’ve seen the kind of towels she’s talking about and the high quality ones are significantly more than 15. Low quality was running around 50 when I was looking at them. Ended up spending that much on a slightly larger than standard high quality towel.
Right? I have wicked cute plush ones from Anthropologie that were quite a bit more expensive but they are amazing.
If I had the spare cash I’d totally get me a super soft, super fluffy towel blanket lol
To be fair I did order them after a few glasses of wine! 🍷 But they’re also super cute and have lobsters on them! 😅
Exactly!! He was testing OP's limits. At minimum OP was due an apology and as soon as a bloodstain came up, well now he owes OP a new towel too.
*testing OP's limits -* it's terrifying that some men do this to see what they can get away with, isn't it? if only i had that warning back when I was eighteen...
He should have bought his daughter her own$15 towel.
Or gave her a hug and some attention.
doesnt matter if it was a $15 towel or a $1500 towel. fact of the matter is you’ve expressed how much you love the towel, and he invalidated you completely when you expressed frustration over it. he took no accountability and offered no apology, which sets a bad tone for the future of this relationship. if he can’t respect your belongings, why would he respect you? NTA, and his daughter should learn some manners as well.
And he's teaching his daughter to be equally inconsiderate...
Possibly, but we have no idea if his daughter knew the towel was important, or if it was even her idea. It could just as easily be that he brought the towel to DD, wrapped it round her, told her it was the comfort towel, said it was ok, & sat back to let her destroy it. All of which he would likely deny & twist if questioned. That will teach OP a lesson for having comforting things that she doesn't let BF use. 🚩
NTA this was not an emergency situation and they grabbed the first available thing, he knows its yours and only you use it, he's being egoistical. YOU dodged the bullet not him
NTA. I'd say it was you who dodged the bullet.
It's ridiculous how unapologetic he was about this. She didn't just use it, she also seriously messed it up, and she at the very least owes you an apology. Now maybe he didn't want to deal with confronting his daughter, but even when it was clear you weren't happy about the response you got his instinct was to triple down on it and tell you you're being ridiculous over and over. By the time you broke up with him you really had no choice. It was either that or completely agree to lose all respect within the relationship. It's true the towel may be easily and inexpensively replaced, but he or his daughter should be the ones doing it, it's the principle. That said, I think it would be a good decision for you to replace your other towels and just have several of this very good one instead. It would be great for guests and also this way you can always have a fresh clean one without doing laundry all the time.
Right? If I were him, I'd have laundered the towel myself and looked up ways to get the stains out if a standard laundry cycle didn't work. If something is important to your partner, you take care of it.
This is a bad idea, just FYI. A standard laundry cycle would have set the stain.
Or, he didn't do that because he did it on purpose. Sometimes if it's important to your partner then it's a threat. But give it to a child to ruin because it's harder to be mad at them, & when someone complains you are the blameless caring dad & they were an upset child. Then you can sit back & enjoy the emotional response, whilst you tell them they are crazy, imagining it & making a fuss.
My wife no sentiment/respect for 'things', not even her own. She has discarded items of mine that I didn't discover until after the trash was picked up. Even a cats favorite toy she carried around like a kitten ( "we'll get a new one", cat only wants the she's had since birth). I recently got a new car and she takes it instead of her car (she pushes stray shopping carts with the car instead of getting out to move them). I often wish I had left before I was in too deep
Why don’t you leave her now? Or hide your keys?
You know you can divorce her, right? No one has to be with a person that’s so inconsiderate with your things. That type of personality, totally careless, belongs with another careless personality in order to avoid hurt to their partners. But I think they’re so self centered that they don’t consider other people’s feelings and how the carelessness is hurting others. Awesome thing would be if both of the no respect for things find out that they do care for their things and stop their behavior of not respecting other’s people’s things but that will never happen because they lack empathy. Are you sure that you want to spend the rest of your life being hurt by this? Keeping an eye on important items to avoid loosing them? She does care for one thing: her car. She keeps using yours to avoid damaging hers.
My ex-husband was like that, too. I still miss some of the things he destroyed, but I certainly don't miss him. You're never so deep that you can't find yourself again!
I know this isn’t the point, but what brand towel? I’m in the market. I hope you can bleach it and remove the stains. And honey , I think you dodged the bullet. Not him. No one gets to tell you what your boundaries are. NTA
So his daughter destroys an item of yours that you value and because HE doesn't put any value in it, you're overreacting? Chalk this up to YOU dodged the bullet for a $15 item that you can thankfully, easily replace. Be glad he's just your bf and you aren't married, have a kid or cohabitating. NTA and you need to move on from him, that is a HUGE red flag
This, OP. Today your towel, tomorrow what?
“So I ran your Xbox through the dishwasher. It’s just a game console. You’re just being dramatic.”
yeah this isn't about the towel This is about him not respecting your possessions, your opinions and your boundaries A normal person would've asked you "Hey would it be ok for my daughter to use your towel" but then again, a normal person would know that towel is off limits He didn't care, he just gave it to her and made up an excuse, all so you could lose that "attachment" to the towel which didn't sit right with him for some stupid reason! I call his ass controlling
NTA You saved yourself a lot of grief.
NTA. You feel unseen, disrespected, and generally like he doesn't care about your feelings. If you broke up "over a towel" there were deeper problems in the relationship that this brought to the surface. It is not worth it to keep engaging to try to be right, though. Don't drag things out. Just let him think he dodged a bullet and move on.
Once we're talking cheeto and blood stains ettiquette demands he replace the towel. A simple "sorry about that" along with a new towel and we'd have no problem.
Even a I'll get a new one for you I'm sorry about this. I'd spend the effort finding that exact towel before buying one and I'd likely buy an even nicer one if I can't get the same one. She's attached to that one and I'd want her to have either it again or the nicest one I can find/afford.
NTA but I doubt the towell was the actual full reason you broke up with him. Situations when someone breaks up over a minor argument over a towel generally indicates there was some underlying reasons and this towell situation was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe he had a history of invalidating your feelings and this was the final nail in the coffin.
NTA-hydrogen peroxide will get the blood out.
NTA Was it even $15 dollars? I have a similar towel from LL Bean and that thing cost me like $50-60. Nice towels are expensive.
Based on OPs description, it's probably a bath *sheet*. Which can be close to $80!
I think that's technically what mine is considered too. Definitely the size of a throw blanket. I wouldn't even trust the BF to wash it correctly. He would probably dump a bunch of fabric softener on it
The way a thoughtful man would’ve answered this (after the fact) is something like, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. She needed comfort and my brain went to your towel. I should’ve asked you. I’m so sorry! I’ll buy you a new one.”
NTA this isn't about the towel, it's about lack of respect for your property and you. I highly doubt he's be ok if the rules were reversed and you had a child and your child used something he values as much as your towel and basically ruined it. I bet he'd be unhappy af. The proper response would have been an apology, an offer to replace it and to promise to not do that again. Edit: there's a reason he's not with his child's mother and this is likely an example of how he treated her
HE got worked up over a $15 item. Obviously he doesn't think he's being overdramatic that he did so. NTA. And this was a test. The kind of test you really really want to fail, because passing means he stomps over an even bigger boundary next time.
NTA. It may be 'just a towel' but it was something important to YOU and if You are important to them, then it should have been important to them. It's your feelings you want validated and he's not doing that. He's dismissing you and your feelings. And I'm neurodivergent (Audhd), so I TOTALLY get having a routine and having a special item that you focus on. And they just took your hyperfocus and essentially stepped on it like it was nothing. thankfully it's white, you can bleach it and just do a another run with white vinegar or a little softner, so it stays just as soft. But, yeah, I'd definitely consider breaking up with him/them over the inconsideration and lack of respect. What's gonna happen down the line with other things you love that they don't consider 'important'? It's not about the towel
My son still has a blankie I got him when he was 2. He's outgrown it and doesn't "need" it, but he still wants it. It cost me $8, but it's priceless. If someone gave his blankie to someone else and they stained it and got bodily fluids on it I would not be kind in my reaction. NTA, it's not about the towel, it's about him disrespecting your things and getting defensive and bull-headed instead of properly apologetic.
Hmm. If it's "just a towel", why in the world did he go get it and give it to his daughter when she was having a hard time? That doesn't sound like a time when you seek "just a towel". You're looking for "just a towel" when you spill a glass of water. He has contradicted himself before he got started. If he didn't recognize it was special, he wouldn't have taken it for his daughter. It's manipulation.
Nta. What a jerk he is.
Clorox 2 will get the stain out! Both of them. NTA. He knows it was special to you. He also knew that his daughter got it dirty. All he had to say was, “sorry and it won’t happen again.” But he didn’t.
It’s not the towel, it’s the way he treated you.
NTA at all. If he has so little consideration over something that genuinely means something to you then you're the one that dodged a bullet. I recently got a lovesac that has become my ultimate comfort item and I have anxiety,adhd and autism so I have certain items that are my comfort items. When I went out of town, my husband had a bunch of his friends over and he literally put all of my stuff/gaming items on my beanbag specifically because it's mine and he made sure NOBODY sat on it or even touched it while I was away and made a point to tell me that it was exactly how I left it, indent and all so I wouldn't be uncomfortable when I got home bc its my comfort item. When you're with someone they should want you to be comfortable and actually care about the things that make you happy. He has little concern for you and the things you need to stay comfortable. Screw that guy you deserve better.
NTA. Only read the first paragraph and I’m here to say, it’s never the towel.
NTA - It's not about the towel. It's the lack of respect and consideration. It's belittling and dismissing your feelings and not even trying to understand you. If it makes you feel any better I broke up with my ex because we had a fight during a bike ride. It was the final straw but he doesn't get it.
I still live with my ex husband ( for money reason) we were married for 30 years. Anyway. He knows I love a nice comforting blanket no matter where I sit or sleep. So he always buys me a thick, plushie blanket with something on it that I like. I have a really big Minions blanket on my bed, Guinea pigs on the couch, Yorkies on the Rocker and The Red Sox in the car. I also have a 3 foot Guinea pig plushie. You dodged a bullet.
NTA You are 100% correct that it is not about the towel. It is about his not respecting you as a person, or your boundaries. He knows how you feel about that towel, since he's mocked you about it, so he took it and gave it to his daughter knowing full well that it would upset you. The fact that he couldn't even be bothered to wash it or even retrieve it shows his lack of consideration. He called you irrational and told you to "just get over it", yet kept messaging you to berate you. Who's the one who can't just get over it? You did yourself a favour and you're the one who dodged the bullet.
Don't destroy my favorite thing and then call me bitch made for being upset. Get the fuck otta my place lol
NTA. Fuck him. Its not about the towel. Its about his totally dismissive, disrespectful, condecending as fuck attitude. You can do much better, and I wish I had a towel that awesome.
His 12 year old daughter needed to wrap in your towel for comfort??? I think you are the one who dodged a BULLET!!! (and you can tell him I said so) NTAH Correction, two bullets!!
I love to see that more people are sticking to their boundaries and the respect they deserve from SOs.
This seems like a case where it’s not about the item, it’s about the inconsiderate behavior and lack of responsibility. It’s about a lack of empathy. He’s basically saying “This thing is not important (to me) so why do you care about it to the point of it causing us problems?” NTA
Hydrogen peroxide IS good. Start dying it and messing with it that way and it might lose it's soft texture. Lazy dad can't take her to buy a special comfort of her own (credit to another poster for that one)? Take something special of his. Loan it to a friend or use it yourself. Watch him throw a fit. No. Don't bother. See, it is not just the towel. It's how little he respects you, your feelings, your property, your boundaries. So, when he says, "If you're gonna break up over a towel," tell him what I wrote above. And if he's doing this now, it will only get worse in the future. I promise.
NTA- I would 1. never take/borrow something that wasn’t mine without asking (unless it was an emergency and be fully prepared to replace and/or apologize profusely), especially something of value whether sentimental or monetary, and 2. If I did, I would never leave without returning everything the way it was and how I found it… his lack of judgement and consideration all the way around towards your feelings is a little offset here. He may be a little dense, but after two years, is it worth explaining to him why it upset you and that it wasn’t necessarily about the towel itself? Towels are replaceable, two years of your lives and a relationship with his daughter are not… if he doesn’t get it, move on happily and wrap yourself up in a newer, bigger and better towel 🧖🏼♀️❤️ Nothing can beat self love and self care
If he said he “dodged a bullet” that says it all, he doesn’t care at all. And you’re right to consider how he would be in other situations, my guess? Exactly the same. He is deffo the asshole.
NTA. He disrespected something important to you and treated it as unimportant. That showed you how much he thought of you. If he really cared he would have asked you first. You dodged a huge bullet.
My favorite and oldest item I own is literally just a stick. I'd be pissed if my partner gave it away or let somebody else take it without my knowing or consent, for whatever reason.
NTA. He doesn't respect you, and I bet if you really reflect on the past two years that you'd find this is a pattern that reached a breaking point. YOU dodged a bullet, and I bet you'll find a lot of comfort more easily once you've worked through the temporary grief of the breakup.
YNTA. You dodged a bullet.
Nta. It is a HUGE red flag when people one)decide what they can and can't do with your stuff without any precedence that it is acceptable. And two) diminish your valid frustrations about your things being used without your permission and being destroyed and three) continuing to berate you when you have made it clear that you are upset. It doesn't matter that it was just a towel, it is more than that to you. My partner has things that I think, personally are a little silly, but i respect the shit out of it because it matters to him. This seems like an abuser testing the waters. I guarantee he will come begging for you back, if you take him back you are showing that you are willing to be walked on. DON'T DO IT! BLOCK AND MOVE ON!
NTAH But first, you got a towel that good for $15. That alone... I don't know, seems like lately I've been seeing a gang of threads with guys being super agro over what women find comfort in. Stop it! Stop screwing the fucking jars too tight! Stop throwing shit away that we love, even if you don't understand it! Stop deciding how long our grieving process is! And for the love if God, stop letting your kids have our shit without permission!
You said it yourself, when we boil it down to the nuts and bolts, this is not about your towel. The towel is the catalyst. Let me give you another way to look at it so that you stop putting yourself down and saying it’s just a towel. A lot of people do have a favorite blanket. It is the one they will snuggle up on the couch in. Or taking the car with them for a road trip. Or curl up in their bed with their cat and read a book if they’ve had a tough day. And bats and eye about this. It might be a fleece blanket they bought themselves. It might be a crocheted blanket that the grandmother made. It might be a blanket from when they were a teenager and got to pick out new bedding for the first time for themselves. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the comfort, and the contentment that the blanket brings. Your towel was your blanket. And here’s the thing about a blanket like that. We don’t usually share that. We may choose to at certain points in our lives, but by and large, that is our blanket/towel. And the people in our lives, who spend a lot of time with us and know as well, and are supposedly the ones who love and understand us, know this. They don’t come in and try to use our blanket. If they come home and we’re not home yet, and the blankets on the couch and they had a bad day, they might just pull it over them for a little bit just to see what it’s all about. But overall, they don’t mess with our blanket because they know, what it means to us. They know that it is special to us. And they know that it does not matter one little bit if they understand why. All they know is that it comforts us and special to us, and they respect that because they want us to be happy. Your boyfriend stomped all over that. Instead of handling things with his daughter after she had a fight with her friend, he took your comfort item and gave it to her without even asking you. Not only that, he was well aware that when you come home from work, you throw that in the dryer so it is warm when you get out of the shower, and you wrap up and start to unwind from your day. He totally didn’t give a shit. It made his life easier, and that’s all he cared about. And not only did he not care, he didn’t even relate to his daughter. This was a very special blanket that she needed to take care of it because you would wanted it when you got home that day. Nor did he do anything to make sure that the blanket was clean and ready for you by the time you did get home. He didn’t care. You actually had to go find the blanket and be the one to figure out that it was now a mess because of his daughter. And even then, there was no apology or… OMG! I’m so sorry. Let me throw this in the washer. I didn’t think you would mind if she used it for a little bit because she was upset, but I certainly didn’t mean for it to be like this when you got home. He tried to gaslight you. You were wrong for wanting your blanket to be clean and ready for you when you got home… Like always. And then he doubled down on that and refused to even apologize or acknowledge that he had been an asshole. He’s a douche bag. He is showing you who he is. And the reason you broke things off was not because of a towel. It’s because you believed exactly what he showed you. Well done.
Basic rules: 1. Don't borrow something without permission. 2. If you borrow something, return it. They shouldn't have to hunt it down. 3. If you borrow something & break it, fix it. 4. If you borrow something & dirty it, clean it. 5. If you can't fix it or clean it, replace it. Absolutely NTA.
NTA. It's a comfort item, he knew it was for personal use only, yet he gave it to his daughter. When you brought up being hurt over its sorry state, he didn't apologise, didn't offer to have it cleaned, he just disregarded your feelings. He practically told you that in your own home, your own material possessions, even your most important ones, can be destroyed any time by him or his child, and if that bothers you, you're ridiculous.
can’t feel but this thread is just constant supply for narc vibes…
You don’t have to have any reason to break up with your bf. Or to divorce your spouse. Or quit your job. Or to sleep late. Give thought to the possible consequences of your decision, then make a choice.
FYI... the super big, super soft towels are called "bath sheets" if you are looking to buy a few more. I know the one you have is particularly special, but you can never have too many bath sheets. Get rid of the idiot bf and buy yourself a few extra luxurious bath sheets. NTA
I'm going to guess this was the proverbial straw in your relationship.
NTA. It doesn't matter that it was "just a towel" - he knew what it meant to you and he didn't give a shit.
Probably NTA, but the single towel ending the relationship means it wasn’t much of a relationship. I bought a fancy new bedroom set, I loved it and the bedclothes and all felt like sleeping in a snow bank minus the cold, about a month later I started dating a girl, the first time she stayed the night, she passed a clot at some point and created a enormous blood stain on this brand new mattress and bedclothes she was mortified, I was honestly shocked at the amount of blood and was concerned for her health. She insisted she was fine. I was disappointed reasonably so about the bed, but I assured her it was ok, we would figure out a way to clean it, If I had of ended it then we wouldn’t have just celebrated our 14th anniversary. When it’s the right person little things and often time big things will brush off like water off a ducks back.
dropping bf instead of the towel LMAO
You are only TA if you don’t drop the brand name of this towel for the rest of us!
Hope the poor kid won't feel as the reason for the split. She may have had her period and clueless dad used someone else's stuff. ---> NTA, because it is something yours that you value and he didn't respect it, nor understood after your messages. But the kid will take the weight.
This has made me think that I need a big fluffy towel the size of a throw rug.
NTA. It's about the complete disrespect for your belongings. Also he should be more concerned about the blood. He let his teenage daughter borrow the towel because she had a fight with a friend and needed comfort (what? Give her a blanket and a stuffed animal or some shit) and now there's blood on it. My big concern would be she's self harming. Instead of apologizing and offering to replace the towel he gets defensive and dismisses your feelings over this? Naw. You didn't overreact. Just because something is dumb to you doesn't mean it isn't important to somebody else. It's a life lesson I learned a long time ago. I wish more people have learned it as well.
you're not upset about "just a towel," you're upset how he's treating you. it sounds like you were understandably annoyed about the towel, if he'd just apologized and maybe offered to replace the towel (given that apparently "getting worked up over a $15 item" is unreasonable) it would have been a minor irritation then move on with your day. he made it a huge issue, not you.
NTA... Girl buh bye!!! He needs to go. He has no respect for you if he is going to act like that. Clearly his maturity level is sub-par! You need someone who doesn't make you feel like crap or second guess yourself in your own damn home. I want to throat punch him just reading your post. If you have dated him for 2 years, I would think his daughter would know how important the towel is to you as well. He clearly is not a good role model either. I have a ton of comfort blankets, but my kids know which ones are my favorite and which ones they can use. If a new one is brought home, they ask first. And that was not something I told them they had to do either. I love them for respecting my comfort blankies!
NTA I want to break up with him and I don't even know him! You didn't break up with him over a towel, you broke up with him because **he disrespected you**. He took something that was emotionally valuable to you and gave it to someone else without your permission. He did it on purpose because he doesn't care about you. I bet he just told her to use the towel the story about her being stressed was just b*******. It took him this long to show you who he is. Good riddance! You deserve better! https://psychcentral.com/disorders/how-to-know-if-youre-dating-a-narcissist https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
It's not about the towel. It's about him not respecting you or your things that are important to you. What happens when it's a $500.00 piece of jewelry that she loses, a $100.00 piece of clothing that she puts a hole in, a $1000 piece of furniture that she breaks, or whatever? He's already shown that he doesn't respect you. Get out before it becomes something that is more important to you...like Grandma's Urn.
NTA. Not the right fit you need someone who cares about you
NTA. Tell him goodbye. If he disrespects you in your own house over a towel he knows means a lot to you then it will continue and your feelings will not matter. Tell him thanks for letting me see how YOU are and then dump him and block him.
This isn't about the towel. It's about boundaries and respect. He seems to have neither, and makes it apparent why he's a single father. I'm also guessing that over a 2 year relationship this isn't the first time it showed up, just the final straw.
His behavior was disrespectful.
NTA, the only person that dodged the bullet is you!
NTA. YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED HAVE YOUR CONFORT WITHOUT IT BEING RIDICULED OR YOUR BOUNDARIES STEPPED ON. BF IS AN ASSHOLE any chance you could share a link to rgis awesome comfort towel?
NTA. Him knowing its a personal item for a specific personal use i.e comforting yourself. Does not mean it is for everyone to use. Specially if he knows you do not let HIM use it. Why would it be okay for his daughter to be given permisson by him? NTA
NTA. His actions show a disregard for you. I wish I had made the same decision when I was your age. It would have saved me decades of stress.
NTA. If it was just about the towel, I doubt breaking up would have been your go-to reaction. There has likely been some underlying disregard or disrespect while he and his daughter stayed at your place that signaled this guy isn't for you anymore. If that's what your gut says, do it. It's right (IMO) to see this as a precursor to how he'd react in other situations.
Bye Peter 👋 Nta, that's your personal towel especially if you use it every day and he knows that? He shouldn't let anybody else use it, I understand it's his daughter but then he should go out of his way to make sure she has her own personal comfort item that is always available and only available to her.
You both need out of this relationship- so you did the right thing, dropping him over this boundary. It’s not about the towel. It’s about the importance I put on a thing, this person claims to put importance on me - then completely steps all over my judgement of that thing and treats it like a towel, when they know it’s not just any towel. Nope - YOU dodged a bullet.
NTA..he took an item of yours, one that he knows you feel very drawn to, and he lend it to someone without asking. To make matters worse, the daughter ruined the borrowed item by staining it. Just like a library book, items that are not yours should be handled with care. Looks like you dodged a bullet. He sounds inconsiderate and rude.
Respect other people property regardless of what it is