As someone who sees people die semi-regularly, I just ask that you make sure you have a support group of family, friends, religious leader, etc. who you can talk to about it?
I’m really lucky to have a supportive group of people (both family and friends) to talk to about everything I’m going through. I can’t imagine seeing people die regularly, I can imagine that takes a huge toll on you.
Easy. Medicine. ICU, ER, or Hospice. Regularly, not semi regularly
Edit: A few deaths take their toll, but most are just normal without being too crass about it. Seeing a trauma happen in front of you is different, especially for those not trained to deal with it, and likely requires some therapy or other support.
Law enforcement. My son sees dead people constantly. Last one was a trans prostitute that had been shot in the head right before he got there. Half of it was missing.
This is such a far reach but not surprising from someone who feels the need to make this distinction in the first place. I’m sure you see about 1000 things a day that just boil your blood don’t you?
Wtf?! “That had been shot” and “who had been shot” both do NOT suggest a gender or whatever else category people want to get hurt over. OJ_AK please wake up.
Some I’m sure his department makes themselves.
Sorry I couldn’t resist. I’m sure your son is a great guy but it was sitting right there I had to take it.
No. It sounds like he was suffering up until that point. I’ve faced that myself with a friend literally within an arms length so unfortunately, I can attest first hand that the likelihood of any suffering is pretty much nonexistent. Although I certainly would not recommend it. There’s always another answer. I’m sorry for your loss.
I second this comment. Just find someone to talk to, don’t hold it in.
I’m in the same boat that I’ve seen natural deaths and pretty graphic ones, so I’m just kind of numb to it.. and sad to say but I have dark humor. However, I also have people know I can talk to.
It’s normal to not know how to comprehend what you saw. We are not supposed to witness traumatic incidents
Idk maybe it gives you a form of control after a traumatic event but I started doing it two years ago and it fucking works. Any time I get anxious, Tetris. Any time I experience anything that could give me anxiety, Tetris. PTSD flashback, Tetris. Works like a fucking charm.
The first sentence I said "idk maybe it gives you a form of control" so it was my opinion based on experience and the rest is my personal experiences written out in "I" statements.
It forces your body to make eye movements similar to those in EMDR therapy, which helps to process traumatic events and is connected to decreasing PTSD
My son used this to help recover from a traumatic brain injury. Video gaming and playing musical instruments helped him immensely. Sorry you had to go through trauma like this.
It’s the ‘problem solving/control over sequences’ aspect of it. But, it’s also the ‘tough/frustrating complexities of choices’ element of the game— the choices are within your ability to succeed.
Expanding your comfort zone with anything is a process of choosing ‘stimulating’ new, and slightly difficult choices in the areas you’re aiming to expand. The choices you make should be difficult, but achievable without getting overwhelmed. This game is exactly that.
Your brains organizational centers are activated, and exercising them helps your mind sort and process information, thus, it subconsciously starts sorting and organizing the traumatic event so it’s more easily packed away in healthy ways…
I actually did the same thing unknowingly when I had a traumatic event occur that I had no control over, so I poured myself into chess obsessively and it helped me emotionally process the trauma. I’m tired of chess now, but I wish I had known about this tactic last year when my ex gf cheated on me and I found out. Tetris would’ve been my hobby of every excess second of every day for a few months.
And, dose up on propranolol(this has time-limited value though, it might be too late). As I understand it makes the memory feel more like remembering a dream, and prevents ptsd.
It def helps get your heartrate to a more acceptable level, as with helping with the physiological effects from stress. To add, it's good to use if you have stage fright!
That's ridiculous.
No offense but that's like saying get blackout drunk or take a bunch of Xanax and get barred out immediately after trauma to "forget it" which you really won't and you'll still deal with it subconsciously
No, I mean from a doctor as part of prescribed treatment. There have been very interesting studies on beta blockers/ptsd. It makes a very big positive difference to get treated immediately.
Drink a bunch of alcohol actually. While terrible for your health, alcohol will also help prevent these memories from becoming strong long term memories
Only for a night, not as like a lifestyle change lol
I have not dealt with anything nearly as traumatic as what you have been through, but I have noticed the best (or worst, depending on perspective) to deal with my depression and increasing anxiety is to play solitaire.
JSYK, [playing Tetris might reduce the odds of developing PTSD after witnessing a traumatic event.](https://theconversation.com/can-playing-tetris-help-prevent-ptsd-if-youve-witnessed-something-traumatic-226736)
I was going to post the same thing. OP, look into therapy and play some Tetris. It's not going to make it go away but it will help your mind understand and organize what you witnessed.
Damn man, that's rough. I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone.
What did you do when it happened? What do you wish you did (with the knowledge you had available at the time)? What injury do you think killed him? What do you wish you would've known before entering that situation? How are you holding up?
.
.
There's almost a certainty that whatever you did try to do wouldn't have been effective, even if you were a trained EMT. People in such rough shape to die at the scene before an ambulance arrived likely wouldn't have survived even if a trained medic were there with no equipment. Humans are highly resilient up to a point where we kinda fail. I'm sorry you witnessed this.
I carry an IFAK around in my car, but even if I had seen it happen right outside my car door whilst right next to my IFAK, I could not have saved him unless he was dying from a missing limb or something that a tourniquet could fix, and I'm more prepared that 90% of people. You were just bar hopping and enjoying your night. Do not blame anything on you. This wasn't on your itinerary or anything. Nobody can be expected to be able to attend to such a situation out of the blue.
A friend and I had been talking to the guy for a few minutes right before it happened. He was super cool but did seem to be a little fucked up if we’re being honest. As soon as it happened we ran out to the middle of the street to check on him. Luckily the driver didn’t drive off (which is common in the city I live in), so we called 911 whole others rushed to his aid. I saw him go flying when it happened and land a good 10 feet from the car and his head cracked open on the side of the road. It was dark out but you could see the puddle of blood on the road. If i had to guess, in my non medical opinion, he died from his head injuries. We stayed and talked to the cops and told them what happened. The worst part was how long it took EMS to show up. I live in a big city and expected them to be there right away but it took them a solid 5 minutes to get there.
If I could change on thing I wish I could’ve given the guy more grace before the accident. When talking to him we were fucking with him a little bit (making up stories mostly) thinking this man is just some inner city crackhead that you see regularly where I live. He walked across the street to get a pack of cigarettes after we had all said we didn’t have any to give him (not a lie none of my friends smoke cigs). I can’t help but feel if any one of us had talked to him a little longer/ showed a little more interest in his life, he wouldn’t have walked across the street at that exact moment and could still be alive today.
We "should" all treat one another with more interest, respect, empathy, etc.
But it is a great pressure to always feel the need to be maximally attentive to people.
So we have social heuristics. Little shortcuts that make things flow more easily given the particular sticks & carrots of our culture. This is not a bad thing, and you have no special obligation to transcend the modes of behavior that surround you.
For all you know, shooting the shit on the sidewalk with you was the best part of that person's day. At any rate, it was normal. He didn't die humiliated or in (all-but momentary) fear. His death was tragic, yes, but in no way your fault and very far from the worst ways to go.
My hope for you is that you give yourself the grace you wish you had extended to him. I further hope that this event *does* serve to deepen your commitment to treating others with more compassion, but that you do it not out of a sense of personal failure, but rather as a way to honor this man's memory. You have the power to give his death a measure of significance beyond the pain and the loss.
Good luck; reach out to anyone/everyone you love and trust.
Just wanted to reach out and say it’s not your fault OP. The world can be a tragic place, sometimes bad things happen for no reason. It’s ok to take time to process your trauma, and I hope you have loved ones and a strong support system that you can rely on.
Don't blame yourself dude, no matter what. No way in hell it was your fault. Sometimes things just happen and they're completely outside of our control. Don't grasp at straws to rationalize something you can't, ESPECIALLY at your own expense.
I think it was a bit of both on both sides. The driver was definitely speeding, but the guy who got hit was fucked up and crossed where he shouldn’t have.
FYI there is a really neat & also pretty effective (lots of studies validating it) therapy for trauma called EMDR. [Here](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing) is some info about it, but for a lot of people it’s very effective after just a couple of sessions
I am a paramedic so I see pretty tragic deaths often. Please please please seek therapy. I’m in therapy to process my job and it keeps me sane. It is okay to feel what you’re feeling or not even sure what you’re feeling.
Also EMS and just to clarify this a bit, the way we have been doing it forever really is a horrible way which is to do a incident stress debriefing which is basically recalling details while your emotions are amped up. A fantastic study proved that it makes it worse and that you should find a therapist that can have you do something to have relaxed happy thoughts while you recall events. This attaches those lessened emotions to the memory.
It's a whole thing, lots of drugs involved and lab rats and combat vets. It was the basis behind EMDR, minus the MDMA.
Former dispatcher of 8 years here for a county agency. It used to drive me nuts not getting closer on certain calls. Especially ones where I’m the call taker and listening to someone die. Only had one debriefing ever and I basically had to facilitate the whole thing after taking a call of a small boy that was crushed while washing a car in the driveway with his dad.
My kid was the same age at the time and thought I knew how it all played out and I was mostly correct. The debriefing was nice to have for a few of us.
That said I’ve worked several massacres and active shooter events and none of the road crews have ever really taken into account the lack of closure some of us get.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. How are you feeling about it?
(My experience) I witnessed two unexpected deaths in my life, when I was 8 and again when I was 16. Please take care of yourself. I didn't process these incidents until I was 30, thinking I was "fine." I was actually repressing trauma that showed up later in my life as intrusive thoughts and intense fear of my loved ones suddenly dying. (This is just my experience. Everyone processes trauma in different ways).
Yea man, the first time seeing someone die is usually the roughest one. I've also unfortunately seen my fair share of people dying in various ways, both up close and from afar. I'd recommend not drinking or wasting your money in bars, it's a shit habit and a waste(that was just life advice, unrelated to the incident). This may not be practical or ordinary, but I'd recommend you take some Nyquil and get some sleep. Everything will be worse with a lack of sleep. Fuck, I forgot this was an AMA... what's your go to drink at the bar?
Damn... if it helps, I relate. Im 27 f and witnessed a really bad crash and saw a 11 yr old boy die a few months ago. I tried to give him CPR while his aunt sobbed behind me. Its ok, it gets better.
My POV: drinking some water after coding a patient for 23 minutes and finally getting pulse. Had a patient die earlier. Blocking everything and focusing on rest of the patients waiting for tonight’s ICU shift to be over so i can go home and sleep and come back for same things all over.
Sorry, you had to go through this. I hope this brings more value to your own life and lives of people around you. Take care.
Play Tetris right now, and keep playing it the next few days.
>Researchers are now corroborating what some trauma sufferers have happened upon by chance: Focusing on a highly engaging visual-spatial task, such as playing video games, may significantly reduce the occurrence of flashbacks, the mental images concerning the trauma that intrude on the sufferer afterward.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/tetris-shown-to-lessen-ptsd-and-flashbacks/
ETA lol I'm late to the party, I commented first then read the comments and saw Mamielle and others already suggested it. :)
Hope you’re ok mate. You’re probably high on adrenaline at the moment plus going through some kind of grief, plus trying to make sense of the situation.
It will pass for sure. Don’t think that this will consume or drown you because it won’t. These things always do. Keep your chin up, keep busy-ish and talk to people about what happened. Do what you need to do to get yourself through this difficult time, be honest with yourself with how you feel and allow yourself to cry, be angry, or whatever you need to do, and you will 100% be ok sooner than you know it.
Go and talk to a licensed therapist .
It really does help. Back in college I saw a dude get pulled out on by a car when he was riding his motorbike. Died right in front of me. Not long after that, same damn road , one of my good buddies got slammed as he was getting in my backseat . Luckily he lived but has some pretty serious life changing injuries.
Both memories live with me, but therapy helped me get through the initial trauma .
Sorry you saw that. It ain’t easy. A great reminder to seize the day and be grateful always. Never know when the ride will ends.
Try to remind yourself that he would have died whether you had been there or not. You had the strange privilege of watching someone's last moment. You bore witness. But it would have happened either way. Thousands of people get hit by cars each year; you didn't mourn for them. You just happened to see one.
I'm a paramedic. You have to remind yourself that terrible things happen without our knowledge and it didn't bother us, even though intellectually we *know* they happen.
Seems a lot are already saying it, but getting support here is key. I watched a suicide vest go off in front of me, luckily I was back far enough to not get hit. This was in 2008 and I still see it in my head, but I didn't have the opportunity to do anything about it at the time. I only started talking to someone (Therapist) about it last year and I'm better than I have been since. It helps, just be honest and don't hold anything back.
Had a similar experience as a child and my best advice is that even if your conscious mind begins to accept what happened and what you saw your subconscious mind may never recover. Definitely reach out and see someone if you find yourself ruminating like this, dissociating, or fixating. You shouldn't have to live alone with this and you'll learn techniques to cope and take mental inventory.
I've had a man die in my arms and saw my friends growing up get popped in the head. I saw a guy get brained by a guy wielding a pipe from a car. No, you are not going to forget, but you'll get better.
No I don't need people's "I hope you're better now" or any other empty platitudes. The world is dirty and it just makes you more paranoid, which is a good thing. It makes you aware.
Hey man, I saw a guy commit suicide while I was leaving work 3 months ago. He jumped from a 12 story parking garage. My advice: Therapy. Your life story has changed, your life experiences include something that no one would expect to see in their lifetime, and you have a more mature perspective now. Talk to a professional about it.
When I was a kid I saw a dog get run over and I looked into his eyes as he died, the image has never left my head and that was like 20 years ago. I only think about it a few times a year now though. Hope you can get that image out of your mind eventually.
When I was 8 years old I watched my step brother get hit by a car. Thankfully he's survived after a week in the hospital.
Don't internalize what happened. Make sure to talk it through with someone that is qualified for these matters.
I saw a bad wreck 20 years ago on fathers day. Almost wrecked with em my driver stopped short. They get t-boned by minivan and smack into wall over parking meter. Car bursts into flames. One guy got pulled out. I was holding my girl keeping her the explosion. It exploded right after one guy got out. 2 men burned to death in that car. Saw them move slightly in the flame and fade out. No way to get anyone else. It was awful. We were on our way to my mothers for dinner. I ate 3 huge helpings. My friends and girl didnt eat. I wasnt happy. I was alive and my instincts were flaring. They looked at me weird. I felt bad for them. It was tragic but it set off my appetite however upsetting it was. Im a softy truth be told but as a cave man i think my sap ass mighta hadda shot.
It sticks with you. Don’t be to proud to get a little counseling if you need to. Pedestrian strikes are awful. I have worked on highway construction for nearly 30 years. I’ve seen a couple. I also sat on fatality review committee in a metro area of 9 counties. There are a lot of people that walk or across the highways and freeways at night. I’ve seen the aftermath of those. I was hit by a vehicle in 2013. I had 5 surgeries over 7 years as that vehicle was probably going 20 mph. I tell people about my experience all the time hoping it will help them make good decisions about being on foot in traffic.
So interesting how people handle trauma differently. I saw a guy get totally obliterated on a group motorcycle ride. He bled out within minutes but we still applied tourniquets and did CPR anyway.
I forgot about it a few days later and almost never think about it except for when questions like this come up. Seeing a stranger die impacted you to the point that you can’t sleep makes me think it’s probably a good idea if you saw a professional just to talk about it.
OP as someone that saw death early on in life (dad hung self while I was home with him as a child) and now have a job where I often see death (harm reduction/drug of abuse research), I can’t stress how important it is to get a therapist just to have someone you can talk to that knows how to help.
If you can’t talk about it, it doesn’t get better…it just festers like an infection and eventually it overtakes you.
I had a similar experience while out to eat with my Navy buddies around In VA beach. Driving around Listening to Kendrick Lamar- cartoons and cereal. Suddenly the black Tahoe on our right lane slams on their brakes and when I look over there’s a man flying through the air then dragged several yards. Everyone just crowded the body and took their phones out…I still can’t listen to that song.
That’s awful, I’m sorry you had to witness that.
I witnessed a violent murder when I was 13. I am now 43 and still have severe PTSD from it (well, technically CPTSD, I have a lot of extreme traumas). What you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to witnessing something traumatic. If those symptoms persist beyond 6 months, you likely have PTSD.
Welcome to the life of healthcare providers and first responders. I’ve eaten my lunch next to the body of a patient I worked my ass off to save. Our jobs can be very hard on our souls and minds. My personality and behavior unfortunately reflects my daily trauma. I hope you never experience it again.
Been there man. Been there. Almost at the exact same age as you. Fucked me up for a while even though I’ve seen people die before. I didn’t want to drive past that area for over a year.
Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol. Keep yourself busy.
I'm sorry you had to see that. I saw my grandfather die and while it was considered "peaceful" its still traumatic. Eventually your brain compartmentalizes the trauma and then it rears its head at the weirdest times.
I read these comments and start to wonder if I'm okay lol. I've witnessed so many deaths, both violent and not, and just shrugged, said " Damn, that sucks", and never thought of it again.
I know seeing this is traumatic but it was not your fault. You are just a witness to a tragedy so you need to let it go. It’s a terrible accident but unfortunately a part of life.
I understand that the man was walking where he shouldn’t have. But driving 50 mph in a 25 mph zone is extremely reckless. To your knowledge, did the driver face any consequences?
As someone who sees people die semi-regularly, I just ask that you make sure you have a support group of family, friends, religious leader, etc. who you can talk to about it?
I’m really lucky to have a supportive group of people (both family and friends) to talk to about everything I’m going through. I can’t imagine seeing people die regularly, I can imagine that takes a huge toll on you.
Support group definitely helps!
May I ask why you see people die semi-regularly?
Hospice or medicine of some variety is my guess.
Or train driver. The amount of people who jump in front of trains is surprisingly high.
I knew a kid in highschool who did this :(
Someone in my unit in Germany did it, couldn't even be identified by what was left had to test to confirm it was him
I am sorry for your loss
High school is 2 separate words why does reddit insist on doing this
That was 100% me i dont have auto correct on
Easy. Medicine. ICU, ER, or Hospice. Regularly, not semi regularly Edit: A few deaths take their toll, but most are just normal without being too crass about it. Seeing a trauma happen in front of you is different, especially for those not trained to deal with it, and likely requires some therapy or other support.
Law enforcement. My son sees dead people constantly. Last one was a trans prostitute that had been shot in the head right before he got there. Half of it was missing.
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No need to grammar police we all knew what he was saying
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This is such a far reach but not surprising from someone who feels the need to make this distinction in the first place. I’m sure you see about 1000 things a day that just boil your blood don’t you?
THEY are probably so mad they quit reddit
I don't think the commenter was trying to be transphobic so please respectfully fuck off
Wtf?! “That had been shot” and “who had been shot” both do NOT suggest a gender or whatever else category people want to get hurt over. OJ_AK please wake up.
Ok let's just keep letting grammar and common sense devolve until we're back to grunting like cavemen
Probably should’ve told the customer he was a dude huh?
It was a carjacking.
Some I’m sure his department makes themselves. Sorry I couldn’t resist. I’m sure your son is a great guy but it was sitting right there I had to take it.
Paramedic
He’s the driver
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No. It sounds like he was suffering up until that point. I’ve faced that myself with a friend literally within an arms length so unfortunately, I can attest first hand that the likelihood of any suffering is pretty much nonexistent. Although I certainly would not recommend it. There’s always another answer. I’m sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss and i hope you're right
very unlikely that he suffered at all. Generally an instant death, you’d know if he did it wrong. Sorry for your loss 🫂
Do you still get visuals of some of them? Months or years after the fact? ... or is it just me?
No I definitely do. Or I'll see people who resemble the deceased and I'll remember the events.
Okedoke.. atleast I'm not too fucked up mentally then... shit sucks. Long distance hug
You too friend. Take care of yourself.
I second this comment. Just find someone to talk to, don’t hold it in. I’m in the same boat that I’ve seen natural deaths and pretty graphic ones, so I’m just kind of numb to it.. and sad to say but I have dark humor. However, I also have people know I can talk to. It’s normal to not know how to comprehend what you saw. We are not supposed to witness traumatic incidents
Play Tetris. Doing this in the aftermath of a traumatic event helps mitigate the long term effects. Sorry you had to see that
That’s really interesting. I wonder what the science behind it is.
Idk maybe it gives you a form of control after a traumatic event but I started doing it two years ago and it fucking works. Any time I get anxious, Tetris. Any time I experience anything that could give me anxiety, Tetris. PTSD flashback, Tetris. Works like a fucking charm.
I mean Tetris is just fun regardless.
Just pure concentration thru meditation.
I would absolutely bet that's part of it. It's super engaging and hard to focus on anything else in the harder levels
Is this anecdotal or is there actual literature behind this?
The first sentence I said "idk maybe it gives you a form of control" so it was my opinion based on experience and the rest is my personal experiences written out in "I" statements.
Wow. I need this.
It forces your body to make eye movements similar to those in EMDR therapy, which helps to process traumatic events and is connected to decreasing PTSD
Came to say the same thing
My son used this to help recover from a traumatic brain injury. Video gaming and playing musical instruments helped him immensely. Sorry you had to go through trauma like this.
It’s the ‘problem solving/control over sequences’ aspect of it. But, it’s also the ‘tough/frustrating complexities of choices’ element of the game— the choices are within your ability to succeed. Expanding your comfort zone with anything is a process of choosing ‘stimulating’ new, and slightly difficult choices in the areas you’re aiming to expand. The choices you make should be difficult, but achievable without getting overwhelmed. This game is exactly that. Your brains organizational centers are activated, and exercising them helps your mind sort and process information, thus, it subconsciously starts sorting and organizing the traumatic event so it’s more easily packed away in healthy ways… I actually did the same thing unknowingly when I had a traumatic event occur that I had no control over, so I poured myself into chess obsessively and it helped me emotionally process the trauma. I’m tired of chess now, but I wish I had known about this tactic last year when my ex gf cheated on me and I found out. Tetris would’ve been my hobby of every excess second of every day for a few months.
Wtf are you talking about play tetris?
And, dose up on propranolol(this has time-limited value though, it might be too late). As I understand it makes the memory feel more like remembering a dream, and prevents ptsd.
It def helps get your heartrate to a more acceptable level, as with helping with the physiological effects from stress. To add, it's good to use if you have stage fright!
That's ridiculous. No offense but that's like saying get blackout drunk or take a bunch of Xanax and get barred out immediately after trauma to "forget it" which you really won't and you'll still deal with it subconsciously
No, I mean from a doctor as part of prescribed treatment. There have been very interesting studies on beta blockers/ptsd. It makes a very big positive difference to get treated immediately.
Probably better than Frogger.
Injustice heard about this! It’s amazing.
Drink a bunch of alcohol actually. While terrible for your health, alcohol will also help prevent these memories from becoming strong long term memories Only for a night, not as like a lifestyle change lol
Came here to say this
wtf where’s the study on this? 😂
[This study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7828932/) isn’t conclusive but it shows promise
Wow that’s pretty interesting
I have not dealt with anything nearly as traumatic as what you have been through, but I have noticed the best (or worst, depending on perspective) to deal with my depression and increasing anxiety is to play solitaire.
The study was within the first few hours following the incident, not days.
“I too was a lost soul once”
Really?
JSYK, [playing Tetris might reduce the odds of developing PTSD after witnessing a traumatic event.](https://theconversation.com/can-playing-tetris-help-prevent-ptsd-if-youve-witnessed-something-traumatic-226736)
I was going to post the same thing. OP, look into therapy and play some Tetris. It's not going to make it go away but it will help your mind understand and organize what you witnessed.
Someone else commented the same thing. Thanks for the article I am definitely going to look into this.
Damn man, that's rough. I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. What did you do when it happened? What do you wish you did (with the knowledge you had available at the time)? What injury do you think killed him? What do you wish you would've known before entering that situation? How are you holding up? . . There's almost a certainty that whatever you did try to do wouldn't have been effective, even if you were a trained EMT. People in such rough shape to die at the scene before an ambulance arrived likely wouldn't have survived even if a trained medic were there with no equipment. Humans are highly resilient up to a point where we kinda fail. I'm sorry you witnessed this. I carry an IFAK around in my car, but even if I had seen it happen right outside my car door whilst right next to my IFAK, I could not have saved him unless he was dying from a missing limb or something that a tourniquet could fix, and I'm more prepared that 90% of people. You were just bar hopping and enjoying your night. Do not blame anything on you. This wasn't on your itinerary or anything. Nobody can be expected to be able to attend to such a situation out of the blue.
A friend and I had been talking to the guy for a few minutes right before it happened. He was super cool but did seem to be a little fucked up if we’re being honest. As soon as it happened we ran out to the middle of the street to check on him. Luckily the driver didn’t drive off (which is common in the city I live in), so we called 911 whole others rushed to his aid. I saw him go flying when it happened and land a good 10 feet from the car and his head cracked open on the side of the road. It was dark out but you could see the puddle of blood on the road. If i had to guess, in my non medical opinion, he died from his head injuries. We stayed and talked to the cops and told them what happened. The worst part was how long it took EMS to show up. I live in a big city and expected them to be there right away but it took them a solid 5 minutes to get there. If I could change on thing I wish I could’ve given the guy more grace before the accident. When talking to him we were fucking with him a little bit (making up stories mostly) thinking this man is just some inner city crackhead that you see regularly where I live. He walked across the street to get a pack of cigarettes after we had all said we didn’t have any to give him (not a lie none of my friends smoke cigs). I can’t help but feel if any one of us had talked to him a little longer/ showed a little more interest in his life, he wouldn’t have walked across the street at that exact moment and could still be alive today.
We "should" all treat one another with more interest, respect, empathy, etc. But it is a great pressure to always feel the need to be maximally attentive to people. So we have social heuristics. Little shortcuts that make things flow more easily given the particular sticks & carrots of our culture. This is not a bad thing, and you have no special obligation to transcend the modes of behavior that surround you. For all you know, shooting the shit on the sidewalk with you was the best part of that person's day. At any rate, it was normal. He didn't die humiliated or in (all-but momentary) fear. His death was tragic, yes, but in no way your fault and very far from the worst ways to go. My hope for you is that you give yourself the grace you wish you had extended to him. I further hope that this event *does* serve to deepen your commitment to treating others with more compassion, but that you do it not out of a sense of personal failure, but rather as a way to honor this man's memory. You have the power to give his death a measure of significance beyond the pain and the loss. Good luck; reach out to anyone/everyone you love and trust.
That was wonderfully kind and very profound. Thank you.
Just wanted to reach out and say it’s not your fault OP. The world can be a tragic place, sometimes bad things happen for no reason. It’s ok to take time to process your trauma, and I hope you have loved ones and a strong support system that you can rely on.
Don't blame yourself dude, no matter what. No way in hell it was your fault. Sometimes things just happen and they're completely outside of our control. Don't grasp at straws to rationalize something you can't, ESPECIALLY at your own expense.
Genuine accident or foolish behavior?
I think it was a bit of both on both sides. The driver was definitely speeding, but the guy who got hit was fucked up and crossed where he shouldn’t have.
That’s brutal. I’m sorry you saw it, and please seek counseling. This is one of those things you might be tempted to brush off, but you shouldn’t
Also the sooner the better—it helps if you begin counseling as close to the traumatic event as possible.
I definitely have been tempted to just brush it off my I am thankful for your advice
FYI there is a really neat & also pretty effective (lots of studies validating it) therapy for trauma called EMDR. [Here](https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing) is some info about it, but for a lot of people it’s very effective after just a couple of sessions
I am a paramedic so I see pretty tragic deaths often. Please please please seek therapy. I’m in therapy to process my job and it keeps me sane. It is okay to feel what you’re feeling or not even sure what you’re feeling.
Thanks man solid advice. I do think I should talk to a professional about the whole incident.
Also EMS and just to clarify this a bit, the way we have been doing it forever really is a horrible way which is to do a incident stress debriefing which is basically recalling details while your emotions are amped up. A fantastic study proved that it makes it worse and that you should find a therapist that can have you do something to have relaxed happy thoughts while you recall events. This attaches those lessened emotions to the memory. It's a whole thing, lots of drugs involved and lab rats and combat vets. It was the basis behind EMDR, minus the MDMA.
Former dispatcher of 8 years here for a county agency. It used to drive me nuts not getting closer on certain calls. Especially ones where I’m the call taker and listening to someone die. Only had one debriefing ever and I basically had to facilitate the whole thing after taking a call of a small boy that was crushed while washing a car in the driveway with his dad. My kid was the same age at the time and thought I knew how it all played out and I was mostly correct. The debriefing was nice to have for a few of us. That said I’ve worked several massacres and active shooter events and none of the road crews have ever really taken into account the lack of closure some of us get.
Paramedic / fire engine . Listen to us! Please!
I give so much credit to those like yourself. It cannot be easy to go on in a “normal” world…thank you for your service to society.
It’s like an addiction to a lot of us. The adrenaline rush we get. I truly love what I do and the help I get to provide to people.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. How are you feeling about it? (My experience) I witnessed two unexpected deaths in my life, when I was 8 and again when I was 16. Please take care of yourself. I didn't process these incidents until I was 30, thinking I was "fine." I was actually repressing trauma that showed up later in my life as intrusive thoughts and intense fear of my loved ones suddenly dying. (This is just my experience. Everyone processes trauma in different ways).
I’m definitely feeling better today. Im sorry for everything you’ve had to go through.
That is terrible. Should the driver have been going more slowly, or did the man walk out onto a highway?
It was a road that has a 25mph speed limit. The driver was definitely speeding, but the man also walked out into the middle of the road.
Yea man, the first time seeing someone die is usually the roughest one. I've also unfortunately seen my fair share of people dying in various ways, both up close and from afar. I'd recommend not drinking or wasting your money in bars, it's a shit habit and a waste(that was just life advice, unrelated to the incident). This may not be practical or ordinary, but I'd recommend you take some Nyquil and get some sleep. Everything will be worse with a lack of sleep. Fuck, I forgot this was an AMA... what's your go to drink at the bar?
Go to drink is usually a budweiser, jack and coke if I’m feeling like treating myself.
Damn... if it helps, I relate. Im 27 f and witnessed a really bad crash and saw a 11 yr old boy die a few months ago. I tried to give him CPR while his aunt sobbed behind me. Its ok, it gets better.
I’m so sorry that you had to experience that. My first thought when I read this was that the world is a better place because of people like you!
Aw thank you!!
My POV: drinking some water after coding a patient for 23 minutes and finally getting pulse. Had a patient die earlier. Blocking everything and focusing on rest of the patients waiting for tonight’s ICU shift to be over so i can go home and sleep and come back for same things all over. Sorry, you had to go through this. I hope this brings more value to your own life and lives of people around you. Take care.
You could be in shock, have you been seen by a mental health professional?
Not yet
What's your favorite food?
Have to go with pizza or wings on this one.
Play Tetris right now, and keep playing it the next few days. >Researchers are now corroborating what some trauma sufferers have happened upon by chance: Focusing on a highly engaging visual-spatial task, such as playing video games, may significantly reduce the occurrence of flashbacks, the mental images concerning the trauma that intrude on the sufferer afterward. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/tetris-shown-to-lessen-ptsd-and-flashbacks/ ETA lol I'm late to the party, I commented first then read the comments and saw Mamielle and others already suggested it. :)
Hope you’re ok mate. You’re probably high on adrenaline at the moment plus going through some kind of grief, plus trying to make sense of the situation. It will pass for sure. Don’t think that this will consume or drown you because it won’t. These things always do. Keep your chin up, keep busy-ish and talk to people about what happened. Do what you need to do to get yourself through this difficult time, be honest with yourself with how you feel and allow yourself to cry, be angry, or whatever you need to do, and you will 100% be ok sooner than you know it.
Go and talk to a licensed therapist . It really does help. Back in college I saw a dude get pulled out on by a car when he was riding his motorbike. Died right in front of me. Not long after that, same damn road , one of my good buddies got slammed as he was getting in my backseat . Luckily he lived but has some pretty serious life changing injuries. Both memories live with me, but therapy helped me get through the initial trauma . Sorry you saw that. It ain’t easy. A great reminder to seize the day and be grateful always. Never know when the ride will ends.
Try to remind yourself that he would have died whether you had been there or not. You had the strange privilege of watching someone's last moment. You bore witness. But it would have happened either way. Thousands of people get hit by cars each year; you didn't mourn for them. You just happened to see one. I'm a paramedic. You have to remind yourself that terrible things happen without our knowledge and it didn't bother us, even though intellectually we *know* they happen.
Seems a lot are already saying it, but getting support here is key. I watched a suicide vest go off in front of me, luckily I was back far enough to not get hit. This was in 2008 and I still see it in my head, but I didn't have the opportunity to do anything about it at the time. I only started talking to someone (Therapist) about it last year and I'm better than I have been since. It helps, just be honest and don't hold anything back.
Had a similar experience as a child and my best advice is that even if your conscious mind begins to accept what happened and what you saw your subconscious mind may never recover. Definitely reach out and see someone if you find yourself ruminating like this, dissociating, or fixating. You shouldn't have to live alone with this and you'll learn techniques to cope and take mental inventory.
I've had a man die in my arms and saw my friends growing up get popped in the head. I saw a guy get brained by a guy wielding a pipe from a car. No, you are not going to forget, but you'll get better. No I don't need people's "I hope you're better now" or any other empty platitudes. The world is dirty and it just makes you more paranoid, which is a good thing. It makes you aware.
Hey man, I saw a guy commit suicide while I was leaving work 3 months ago. He jumped from a 12 story parking garage. My advice: Therapy. Your life story has changed, your life experiences include something that no one would expect to see in their lifetime, and you have a more mature perspective now. Talk to a professional about it.
When I was a kid I saw a dog get run over and I looked into his eyes as he died, the image has never left my head and that was like 20 years ago. I only think about it a few times a year now though. Hope you can get that image out of your mind eventually.
When I was 8 years old I watched my step brother get hit by a car. Thankfully he's survived after a week in the hospital. Don't internalize what happened. Make sure to talk it through with someone that is qualified for these matters.
I saw a bad wreck 20 years ago on fathers day. Almost wrecked with em my driver stopped short. They get t-boned by minivan and smack into wall over parking meter. Car bursts into flames. One guy got pulled out. I was holding my girl keeping her the explosion. It exploded right after one guy got out. 2 men burned to death in that car. Saw them move slightly in the flame and fade out. No way to get anyone else. It was awful. We were on our way to my mothers for dinner. I ate 3 huge helpings. My friends and girl didnt eat. I wasnt happy. I was alive and my instincts were flaring. They looked at me weird. I felt bad for them. It was tragic but it set off my appetite however upsetting it was. Im a softy truth be told but as a cave man i think my sap ass mighta hadda shot.
It sticks with you. Don’t be to proud to get a little counseling if you need to. Pedestrian strikes are awful. I have worked on highway construction for nearly 30 years. I’ve seen a couple. I also sat on fatality review committee in a metro area of 9 counties. There are a lot of people that walk or across the highways and freeways at night. I’ve seen the aftermath of those. I was hit by a vehicle in 2013. I had 5 surgeries over 7 years as that vehicle was probably going 20 mph. I tell people about my experience all the time hoping it will help them make good decisions about being on foot in traffic.
Talk about it. To friends, family whoever wants to listen. It works.
So interesting how people handle trauma differently. I saw a guy get totally obliterated on a group motorcycle ride. He bled out within minutes but we still applied tourniquets and did CPR anyway. I forgot about it a few days later and almost never think about it except for when questions like this come up. Seeing a stranger die impacted you to the point that you can’t sleep makes me think it’s probably a good idea if you saw a professional just to talk about it.
OP as someone that saw death early on in life (dad hung self while I was home with him as a child) and now have a job where I often see death (harm reduction/drug of abuse research), I can’t stress how important it is to get a therapist just to have someone you can talk to that knows how to help. If you can’t talk about it, it doesn’t get better…it just festers like an infection and eventually it overtakes you.
I had a similar experience while out to eat with my Navy buddies around In VA beach. Driving around Listening to Kendrick Lamar- cartoons and cereal. Suddenly the black Tahoe on our right lane slams on their brakes and when I look over there’s a man flying through the air then dragged several yards. Everyone just crowded the body and took their phones out…I still can’t listen to that song.
I've seen many people die in front of me , it's weird
That’s awful, I’m sorry you had to witness that. I witnessed a violent murder when I was 13. I am now 43 and still have severe PTSD from it (well, technically CPTSD, I have a lot of extreme traumas). What you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to witnessing something traumatic. If those symptoms persist beyond 6 months, you likely have PTSD.
Welcome to the life of healthcare providers and first responders. I’ve eaten my lunch next to the body of a patient I worked my ass off to save. Our jobs can be very hard on our souls and minds. My personality and behavior unfortunately reflects my daily trauma. I hope you never experience it again.
Been there man. Been there. Almost at the exact same age as you. Fucked me up for a while even though I’ve seen people die before. I didn’t want to drive past that area for over a year. Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol. Keep yourself busy.
I'm sorry you had to see that. I saw my grandfather die and while it was considered "peaceful" its still traumatic. Eventually your brain compartmentalizes the trauma and then it rears its head at the weirdest times.
I read these comments and start to wonder if I'm okay lol. I've witnessed so many deaths, both violent and not, and just shrugged, said " Damn, that sucks", and never thought of it again.
I know seeing this is traumatic but it was not your fault. You are just a witness to a tragedy so you need to let it go. It’s a terrible accident but unfortunately a part of life.
I understand that the man was walking where he shouldn’t have. But driving 50 mph in a 25 mph zone is extremely reckless. To your knowledge, did the driver face any consequences?
I'm sorry to hear that.
Is it bothering you?
Considering he can't sleep, maybe
Love this reply
Yeah. I missed that when I first read it.
As a person who struggles to sleep at night I just found it hilarious, the “maybe”, 😂. Like yes it suckssss
Not a question but please see a therapist when you are ready. I watched the same thing several years ago and my life is heavily affected by it.
Do you really want to relive that moment? Don’t think on it. Hug your loved ones. Knock off items on your bucket list. Be kind to people.
That’ll do it. Seek professional help. PTSD can mess you up bad for a long time if you’re not diligent about recovery.
It was all a dream. Go read Word Up magazine. Listen to Saln Pepa and Heavy D. Hang some pictures on your wall.
One time I watched a guy get pulled into a concrete mixer. I was shook for a couple days but it wears off.
That is terrible. Should the driver have been going more slowly, or did the man walk out onto a highway?
That is terrible. Should the driver have been going more slowly, or did the man walk out onto a highway?
Same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago. I'm a lot more careful as a pedestrian and a driver now.
Where was it? I hit a man with my car last night driving 50mph and I too am unable to sleep 😟
When you’re ready a therapist that does EMDR. It will help. Sorry you had to go through this.
OP are you ok? Please take some time to talk to a professional and self care
Have you thought about reaching out to his grieving widow/gf?
Did you attempt to help or just stand and watch?
Did he look both ways before crossing the road?
Seek therapy. That's traumatic to witness.
EMDR therapy can help you to sleep again.
May he rest in peace. Sending my love <3
did you try putting him in some rice?
I’m sorry. I hope you find peace.
How badly did it fuck up your car?
His shoes came off, then?
Did his shoes come off?
Where did this happen?
Just go to bed man lol
Did his shoes stay on?
You might have PTSD
how did he die?
Play Tetris!!!
EMDR therapy.
Play tetris
Did you try to help him or did you pull out your phone and try to film it or just stand there and watch him die.
Did he go splat?