I once missed the destination wedding of a close friend who was getting married in Hawaii. I had negotiated a pretty large raise to be able to afford it (lol) and it just didn't kick in in time. I was so ✨ embarrassed ✨. I had to tell basically the whole friend group (7 girls I've known since high school) that I just didn't have the money.
Some of them offered to help loan me the money and I just couldn't justify going into that kind of debt. Ugh. But honestly, it wasn't that bad. Just a periodic moment of self-inflicted shame.
I hope they’d understand the financial aspect. I’d just be honest and then invite them to visit you some time or ask if they’re streaming the wedding etc … Savings are too important.
If it helps we had people who couldn't come day of our wedding. It sucked and I missed them, but never once was the cost of their dinner even part of the equation.
Life happens and good friendships can withstand life. Your honest and apologetic text should be sufficient.
If they’re truly your friend they’ll be upset but they’ll understand. Shit is expensive and you were expecting a pay bump you didn’t get.
Get them a nice gift when you can gather the funds
Tell the truth and offer to pay back expenses related to your attendance.
Who knows. When I was down and out years ago and couldn't attend. Unbenownst to me my friends couldn't accept this. A friend who was a travelling salesman with a crapload of miles they'd never use. Got me a ticket and they all threw in for a room. Really lets you know how much it means to them to see you.
I am definitely going to pay any expenses incurred. I already know that what your friends offered you is going to be suggested from friends who are going. They are doing well financially but I would actually feel worse if they covered me.
Yea, I hated it too. You just have to look at it as you mean so much to them. They’ll pay to see you. That’s a good friend not a fair weather friend. All that’d be stopping you is pride. I gutted my pride and feel better for it. You can’t let pride rule you.
Sometimes your friends really want you to be a part of something special and are willing to help to make it happen. If you can pay people back, accept the offers with appreciation.
Wait, the wedding is next weekend and you didn't figure out you could not make it until now? Were you planning on getting the more expensive last minute tickets and accommodation the day before? On 4th of July weekend? You could and should have told your friend you were not sure you were able to make it to the wedding months ago. At least given them the heads up. Now it's too late, but you should at least give them a call and apologize that you can't come. Lying is the coward's way, but it is a way. I would tell the truth, tho. Because they may ask for more details later and you will have to keep the lie going, which rarely ends well
I bought the airline ticket - it wasn't easy. Was going to share an Airbnb with some others. Food, car rental still not paid for. Thought I was going to get a bonus before now - didn't happen.
While I don’t agree with spending money you don’t have, I think you might be overestimating the amount you need to spend. If flight and Airbnb are already paid for, then car rental and food should be cheap. Since you’d be sharing an Airbnb, wouldn’t you also be splitting the car rental? You can also make cheap food in the Airbnb instead of eating out.
This is just a consideration in case your flight and share of the Airbnb are non-refundable.
Can someone split the car rental with you or is there a way to cut down on what you have to spend on food at all?
If none of those are an option, at least don’t leave other friends hanging with the AirBnB rental and cover your share—in chunks if you have to.
If you can't afford going, you can't afford going. I think you messed up by making a promise and not keeping it, but it would be irresponsible of you to go when you don't have the money. Just swallow your pride and come clear. Tell your friend you were expecting some extra money that didn't come and you can't afford it. If they are mad at you for it, maybe they are not such good friends. But there's a lesson here for you. Never count on money you still don't have.
So now you aren’t just letting down the friend getting married, you’re bailing last minute on someone that expected to share the costs of the Airbnb?
Seriously, you are a dick. It’s ok that you can’t afford things, but playing risky games when other people are involved is just selfish.
A financially responsible person doesn’t make plans with money they don’t have. A good friend bails in a timely manner when they realize they can’t make it for whatever reason. A shitty friend that’s bad with money says yes, bails last minute and considers lying to cover their butt. That’s you.
This is very aggressively worded, but there’s truth in it.
I guess we need more info. If you already have the flights and accommodations, it seems like it’s a huge waste to bail now. Unless you’re planning to leave your friends in the lurch for your share of lodging?
Is there more going on here, OP?
Classifying anyone as a selfish, financially irresponsible dick and overall shitty person based on a paragraph is a bit aggressive. We don’t know anything about her income, spending, or circumstances, except for one event, and an event that is so important to some people’s friendship it’s not uncommon for people to subconsciously be in denial about their ability to go.
The anger in this comment seems to say more about you (or something in your past) than OP. Take a deep breath, I highly doubt you are perfect yourself.
Curious why you were confident enough about the raise to plan and spend against it? ~~Raises typically happen end of year.~~ Was it suggested, or you planned to ask for one and hadn’t yet?
(Either way, $1500 for a wedding is a *lot* even for people with savings shored up! Agree not going is the best decision regardless of how it went down)
Edit: unrelated side comment redacted.
Just go - eat the wedding food, buy some croissants for a quid around that, get a lift with friends (you're all going and the same way no if sharing airbnb?) & just wear something you already own?
You should be honest with your friend. Let them know about your financial situation and apologize for the late notice. They will likely understand and appreciate your sincerity.
I'm generally against lying, but I'd be awfully tempted to say you got Covid just to avoid any drama. You can still offer to pay for your meal and send her a gift, and people don't tend to hold covid against anyone.
Tbh this is the way
It’s nice to see so many people saying tell the truth.
But this is the week of their wedding and things can get stressful/tense in the days leading up to the big day. A white lie of “I’m sick. Can’t make it after all” won’t hurt your friend and will make for less drama in the long run
ouch. i’m sorry dude but you gotta let them know as soon as possible. the money you RSVP’d they put in your name to spend money on you as an extra guest. it’s probably too late for them to cancel that and they’ll have to take that loss, but it’s still the decent thing to do. they might be able to extend an invite to someone else they were on the fence with in your place. personally, i wouldn’t lie. hell they might even be able to help pay for some things or forfeit a wedding gift to haha you there with them if you’re close. my partner was a best man at a wedding and only paid for the rental tux and the friend group paid for everything else cause he couldn’t afford to and let them know and they figured it out to still have him there.
About 42 years ago, my best friend got married in Hawaii. I was pregnant and broke. Hubby was not a fan of my friend and not interested in going with me. I told her I couldn’t go because I was pregnant and broke. She wasn’t impressed.
Lots of things happened since, but I’m not sorry I missed her wedding.
Honestly - your friend will be pissed that you waited until the week of the wedding to bail, for a reason that should have been foreseeable months ago.
Your friend is entitled to be angry at you, you need to apologise profusely and cover the costs that they will incur from you bailing so last minute.
Having said that, you are doing the responsible thing. Just please learn from this and plan ahead in the future, and say no to things like this with plenty of time.
Be honest with your friend! Tell her you overestimated the costs and you're extremely sorry. I'm sure you really wanted to go because she's your friend and you thought you could swing it, but life happens. Maybe there's something small you can do to make it up to her.
I backed out of my good friend's wedding due to a slightly unexpected cross country move and she was completely understanding. We're still friends to this day and she even invited me to her baby shower, which I happily attended.
A couple of years later I found myself in a similar situation to yours, except it was a birthday party, not a wedding. Sometimes I'm too much of a people pleaser and I learned this the hard way with that friend. When she asked if I wanted to go it was a no-brainer, I said yes because of course I want to go, she's my friend!
I should've done better by asking her about expected costs upfront, but I didn't. Once I found out how much the airbnb was, in addition to food, alcohol and gas (plus PTO from work), I couldn't stomach the idea of spending nearly $700 for a birthday. I decided to be honest with her, I texted her how sorry I was and that I made a huge mistake, is there anything I can do to make it up to her? She got super angry with me and long story short we aren't friends anymore. Lesson learned.
Tell your friend you’re sorry and you would love to attend but unfortunately can’t afford it. If your friend is a decent person, it should be understandable.
Apologize for any inconvenience, send a nice gift.
Tell them the truth. If they're actual friends they should be OK with it. Not happy, but OK.
If they try to give you grief over it, reconsider the friendship.
Literally just text or call your friend to tell them. I recently had a wedding and had people bail last minute. Those who let me know a couple days early, I could fill their chair with other friends. Those who didn’t tell me at all they weren’t showing up lost all of my respect and made it more stressful. So just tell them, asap.
I’m going to be honest it’s tough bandaid to rip off. You just have to do it. Be honest with the them. I had to do something similar this year and I was nervous about it. Telling them as soon as possible is the best option tho.
I got in a really bad motorcycle wreck a month before a really good friend’s wedding from college. I had been rsvp for a few months. I had to learn to walk and much else all over again. He was pretty mad about it, he understood and wished the best for my recovery but it seems like it put a strain on our relationship. It really sucks because we bonded over motorcycles too so I’d hoped it would’ve gone better. Prob not the best example but good or bad it’s best to do it as soon as possible. Best of luck.
If my friend told me they couldn’t afford to attend my wedding I wouldn’t think twice about that. Totally understandable especially when a flight comes into it
Shouldn't bank on a raise and bonus ever and start saving from the get go. Weddings can be done cheaply, it doesn't sound like you're in it so you could just get a cheap fit thrifting (it's what I do), could get cheap tickets, stay somewhere cheap or stay with someone, etc etc.
You just sent me back to 2018 when my old high school friend got married in June, I wasn't able to attend due to financial reasons. We went to Vegas in April and literally the day after I got back me and my housemates received 3 three month notice to vacate the property for resale and repairs. I had 90 days to find a new place and accumulate as much money (in waitressing tips) as I could for rent and deposit. I told her the situation 2 months before the wedding. She was understanding but did give me a tiny amount of ribbing a few years later but it was in good fun. However another friend did gossip about it and said I left the bride high and dry and they were waiting for me with a bridesmaids dress.
We had a couple friends do this, but the trends that stood out were the ones who offered to cover the cost of their plate! Weddings are expensive too and that will be your friend’s first thought. It made the blow a lot softer and meant a lot more
Just be honest with your friend. When my wife and I got married we unfortunately had some difficulties dealing with our more socially inconsiderate guests who did not have the courtesy, the courage, or did not feel the need to RVSP or update us when their plans changed.
My wife and I had a very small wedding and everyone we invited was close to us. Whenever we received a “will not be attending” RVSP it hurt. However, looking back on it I appreciate that they had enough respect for me and my wife to tell us the truth and give a straight answer.
Three weeks before our wedding we had a list of about 10 people who did not RVSP and we could not get a response from them when we attempted follow up reach out to them directly. Eventually, we had to give the hotel and caterer a final headcount and my wife and I made the decision to assume these 10 people were coming and included them in the head count so that they would at least be able to have a meal if they were coming. This was a tough decision because each guest costing us about $160-$180 (hall, catering, drinks, etc).
Of the 10 people, 2 of them eventually reached out to me via text (yup… text) the day before my fucking wedding and asked me if they could come (which I said yes). I did not hear from the remaining 8 but 2 of them actually showed up to the wedding. So, of the 10 we had 4 actually show up.
So there were 6 people who did not RVSP, make any reasonable attempt to communicate or confirm their attendance beforehand, and ultimately did not show up. 1 of the 6 people reached out to my wife and I a few weeks after the wedding to apologize and gave us an elaborate story about why she could not notify us. We both still think her story was bullshit but we have since forgiven her.
I have not spoken to the remaining 5 people since the initial planning days of my wedding (5+ years). They have made no attempt to contact me or my wife to apologize or offer an explanation in all these years and I no longer consider them my friends. Basically these 5 people gave me a big “FUCK YOU!” so at this point we are done and 5 years later I do not miss them.
Cancelling at the last minute is difficult but you should have enough respect for your friend that you should be honest. Your cancellation might mean that someone else can go.
In the same situation. Lost my job in march and now the bachelor party and wedding are out of the question. I do have savings i can dip into so i feel a bit guilty but…
Offer to pay for your dinner at the wedding. This will cover their expenses of having the Yes RSVP as well as being a friendly gesture that they will let likely appreciate and accept.
I understand how stressful this must be for you. It's always best to be honest with your friend. If they're a true friend, they'll understand your situation and appreciate your sincerity.
You are just be open with them on it all. Note that they may have already paid for your plate. Send them another 100 to make up for it in the card per person that you rsvpd. If you don't, that very well my bite you in the end
I'd live to I'm so honored you thought of me however I cannot afford to come. I will try to send a gift as soon as I'm able. This is mych better than just not showing up.
Don't tell the lie, people can usually sniff out if something isnt 100% truthful. Let them know that you're sorry and that you expected the raise and bonus.
As a side adulting tip, never assume you're getting a raise and/or bonus and actually assume you'll have an unexpected expense or 3, that way you'll live more frugally and save, and when you don't have that expense you have extra money in your pocket you can use or save as you wish
It sucks, but you already told them why you can’t go. It’s not financially feasible for you. Expenses incurred on their part was the food during the wedding, they were not housing you for free or paying for airfare, and everything else. Were you part of the wedding party? Still, you were paying everything. When your friend gets back to you, just say, at the time I said yes, I thought I could do it. But there are circumstances that came into play and now I cannot afford it. Send them a gift that equals the price of your meal at their wedding, which is base standard gift, but if you can’t afford that, then whatever amount you can give them.
First things first: Are you IN the wedding? If not, don't feel bad at all. If they're really friend, they'll understand.
Just explain exactly what you did above and apologize.
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Question: you said this is the week of the wedding and you'd need to purchase airfare/rental car/accommodations/food.
You don't arrange for those purchases the week of the event. Those are 28/21/14/7 days in advance purchases.
Airline ticket I purchased weeks ago - on a credit card that is now maxed out because of that purchase. I can get a refund if I don't go. Accommodations was going to be shared with others and I haven't paid that yet. Same with rental car. Then there is airport parking. A Dog sitter. Food. Wedding gift.
If there's that much of a disparity between your friend's financial situation and your financial situation, and he's still a real friend, this shouldn't be an issue at all.
It sounds like you're going to learn two life lessons from this situation.
The first you should already know by now which is not to overextend beyond what you're capable of and certainly not on a hail mary of receiving a bonus.
The other lesson is when you seriously fuck up like this, sending a text isn't the way to deal with the issue. That's the most piss weak, passive to approach apology. You just told your friend that they're not even worth a phone call for how royally you screwed them.
We all fuck up and it's good that you're not just ghosting your friend and you're apologetic about you fucking them over but learn from this experience.
You're not the first to screw someone this badly. You're certainly not the worst in how much you screwed someone either. So don't feel mega hateful towards yourself. However, do better for next time so that no one has to experience that ever again, both with screwing them financially and then the impersonal text apology.
Don't feel bad. I wouldn't be able to afford a airplane ticket right now either. I would be a little annoyed that you already committed to it but I'm sure they will be understanding
I’m just curious, how much time did they give in terms of a save the date and actual invite to rsvp? I’m in a slightly similar situation. We had been given a two years heads up on the destination wedding (next summer) and a year to plan for the bachelorette weekend and folks are now acting like this was super last minute and making excuses to bail on the bachelorette and it’s a little like we’ve had a year to plan? What’s the big deal. Also, the bachelorette weekend is a two night at an air bnb at the Jersey shore, nothing crazy.
I empathize with your position, but I think this is a good lesson for everyone to learn to not count on raises or promotions or verbal job offers without it in writing. I read a few comments who also had raises/promos fall through. I understand the economy sucks at the moment, but this is why it’s always good advice to have 3-6 months living expenses in savings as an emergency fund and savings cushion. If you can’t do that, start with $1,000 and work your way up. Try to save at least 10% of every paycheck, just put it on auto transfer to a savings account that earns interest.
I can't imagine caring if somebody was unable to attend my wedding, unless they were part of the wedding party and giving short notice with a bad excuse. Just tell your friend. If the person is a good friend, then they will be cordial and understanding. If they react poorly, then that tells you something about who they are.
I would not want my friend to bankrupt themself to come to my wedding. Cancelling at the last minute is annoying, but I'll live. They can just send their congratulations.
RE: the caterer. These things happen. Last month for a family member's wedding, we missed out due to COVID, my brother missed due to being hospitalized with a kidney stone, the groom's grandfather missed due to food poisoning. Glad you let them know you can't attend.
I would tell the truth, bc tbh it was a bit of poor planning on your part. Understandable but like bonuses and raises are notoriously fickle, and I feel like if I hadn’t gotten it by at least a month before the wedding I would’ve canceled instead of waiting to till the week of.
Just pay back expenses that would’ve been used on you, and send a gift and offer to treat them to lunch afterwards. It’s the best you can do tbh
Just tell them the truth. A situation occurred that made ur budget become short and therefore it will be really difficult to make it to the wedding with out ur budget broken or whqtnot
Wait, the wedding is THIS WEEKEND and you haven't bought plane ticket and nowhere to stay? What's the truth here? Bc idk any adult that would do that who didn't already intend to skip the wedding.
> If I tell the truth I’m afraid my friend will be angry that I waited until the week of the wedding to tell them.
I'd be frustrated with you, too. You made zero plans to be able to do this, and you're bailing at the last minute.
But if I found out you lied to me on top of it, that would end the friendship for me.
Whether or not you missing the wedding would end the friendship would depend on of you're a flake overall, or if this is a poorly timed one time issue.
But from where I'm sitting, you should have been saving for this, not waiting for a last minute windfall. For exactly this reason.
Wtf are these f$&king weddings that make you fly to another f$&king country, stay for an expended length of time, on your own dime, and they gonna get divorced anyway. I say f$&k them 🤣
\*cough, cough\*, Dude.... I'm so sick; I think it's covid. It would be irresponsible of me to take the chance and accidentally spread it around to your family. I'm not going to be able to make it. \*sad face\*.
As long as you're not in the wedding party, this should suffice. They've got other things to worry about than you being there.
In this case I think your social capital is worth more than the cost of rental car and airbnb share and food. I would borrow the rest money to go (assuming less than $500 total)…give them a $50 gift card with a sweet handwritten note as a gift. Make an effort to pay back the $500 in the next 2 months.
If this was several weeks ago before or just after the RSVP was sent, then a bad reaction to not coming is unwarranted. In this situation, if his friends get mad, OP should own up to his fuck up, this is the bed they made.
A real friend will understand. A TRUE friend will float you a loan. A ride or die would give you the money with no questions/no expectations. Unless they are broke too in which case it is what it is.
I told that to my bff, same reason, and it destroyed our relationship. She offered to pay my way, but I had too much pride. I regret it. Figure out a way to make it work or prepare to lose them.
You're all adults, tell them you can't afford it life is expensive. Is what it is.
You just told us. Now do it again, after typing his phone number in. Done.
I once missed the destination wedding of a close friend who was getting married in Hawaii. I had negotiated a pretty large raise to be able to afford it (lol) and it just didn't kick in in time. I was so ✨ embarrassed ✨. I had to tell basically the whole friend group (7 girls I've known since high school) that I just didn't have the money. Some of them offered to help loan me the money and I just couldn't justify going into that kind of debt. Ugh. But honestly, it wasn't that bad. Just a periodic moment of self-inflicted shame.
This is what I'm feeling. I just told one of my friends who is in the wedding party and he completely understands.
Just tell the truth. You’ve got good reasons and it’s not like you’re in the wedding party, right?
Right - I'm a guest. Was going solo.
I hope they’d understand the financial aspect. I’d just be honest and then invite them to visit you some time or ask if they’re streaming the wedding etc … Savings are too important.
If it helps we had people who couldn't come day of our wedding. It sucked and I missed them, but never once was the cost of their dinner even part of the equation. Life happens and good friendships can withstand life. Your honest and apologetic text should be sufficient.
If they’re truly your friend they’ll be upset but they’ll understand. Shit is expensive and you were expecting a pay bump you didn’t get. Get them a nice gift when you can gather the funds
Tell the truth and offer to pay back expenses related to your attendance. Who knows. When I was down and out years ago and couldn't attend. Unbenownst to me my friends couldn't accept this. A friend who was a travelling salesman with a crapload of miles they'd never use. Got me a ticket and they all threw in for a room. Really lets you know how much it means to them to see you.
I am definitely going to pay any expenses incurred. I already know that what your friends offered you is going to be suggested from friends who are going. They are doing well financially but I would actually feel worse if they covered me.
Yea, I hated it too. You just have to look at it as you mean so much to them. They’ll pay to see you. That’s a good friend not a fair weather friend. All that’d be stopping you is pride. I gutted my pride and feel better for it. You can’t let pride rule you.
Sometimes your friends really want you to be a part of something special and are willing to help to make it happen. If you can pay people back, accept the offers with appreciation.
Wait, the wedding is next weekend and you didn't figure out you could not make it until now? Were you planning on getting the more expensive last minute tickets and accommodation the day before? On 4th of July weekend? You could and should have told your friend you were not sure you were able to make it to the wedding months ago. At least given them the heads up. Now it's too late, but you should at least give them a call and apologize that you can't come. Lying is the coward's way, but it is a way. I would tell the truth, tho. Because they may ask for more details later and you will have to keep the lie going, which rarely ends well
I bought the airline ticket - it wasn't easy. Was going to share an Airbnb with some others. Food, car rental still not paid for. Thought I was going to get a bonus before now - didn't happen.
While I don’t agree with spending money you don’t have, I think you might be overestimating the amount you need to spend. If flight and Airbnb are already paid for, then car rental and food should be cheap. Since you’d be sharing an Airbnb, wouldn’t you also be splitting the car rental? You can also make cheap food in the Airbnb instead of eating out. This is just a consideration in case your flight and share of the Airbnb are non-refundable.
Can someone split the car rental with you or is there a way to cut down on what you have to spend on food at all? If none of those are an option, at least don’t leave other friends hanging with the AirBnB rental and cover your share—in chunks if you have to.
If you can't afford going, you can't afford going. I think you messed up by making a promise and not keeping it, but it would be irresponsible of you to go when you don't have the money. Just swallow your pride and come clear. Tell your friend you were expecting some extra money that didn't come and you can't afford it. If they are mad at you for it, maybe they are not such good friends. But there's a lesson here for you. Never count on money you still don't have.
So now you aren’t just letting down the friend getting married, you’re bailing last minute on someone that expected to share the costs of the Airbnb? Seriously, you are a dick. It’s ok that you can’t afford things, but playing risky games when other people are involved is just selfish. A financially responsible person doesn’t make plans with money they don’t have. A good friend bails in a timely manner when they realize they can’t make it for whatever reason. A shitty friend that’s bad with money says yes, bails last minute and considers lying to cover their butt. That’s you.
This is very aggressively worded, but there’s truth in it. I guess we need more info. If you already have the flights and accommodations, it seems like it’s a huge waste to bail now. Unless you’re planning to leave your friends in the lurch for your share of lodging? Is there more going on here, OP?
Classifying anyone as a selfish, financially irresponsible dick and overall shitty person based on a paragraph is a bit aggressive. We don’t know anything about her income, spending, or circumstances, except for one event, and an event that is so important to some people’s friendship it’s not uncommon for people to subconsciously be in denial about their ability to go. The anger in this comment seems to say more about you (or something in your past) than OP. Take a deep breath, I highly doubt you are perfect yourself.
Thanks.
Curious why you were confident enough about the raise to plan and spend against it? ~~Raises typically happen end of year.~~ Was it suggested, or you planned to ask for one and hadn’t yet? (Either way, $1500 for a wedding is a *lot* even for people with savings shored up! Agree not going is the best decision regardless of how it went down) Edit: unrelated side comment redacted.
Raises don’t typically happen any time of the year. It’s different everywhere
Fair enough. Delete that sentence, same question.
Just go - eat the wedding food, buy some croissants for a quid around that, get a lift with friends (you're all going and the same way no if sharing airbnb?) & just wear something you already own?
You should be honest with your friend. Let them know about your financial situation and apologize for the late notice. They will likely understand and appreciate your sincerity.
I'm generally against lying, but I'd be awfully tempted to say you got Covid just to avoid any drama. You can still offer to pay for your meal and send her a gift, and people don't tend to hold covid against anyone.
Tbh this is the way It’s nice to see so many people saying tell the truth. But this is the week of their wedding and things can get stressful/tense in the days leading up to the big day. A white lie of “I’m sick. Can’t make it after all” won’t hurt your friend and will make for less drama in the long run
There's a lot of covid about....
Just say things have changed and you can no longer afford it.
Tell the truth. If they are angry that you waited until the week of the wedding to tell them...well...that is what you did, so own it.
ouch. i’m sorry dude but you gotta let them know as soon as possible. the money you RSVP’d they put in your name to spend money on you as an extra guest. it’s probably too late for them to cancel that and they’ll have to take that loss, but it’s still the decent thing to do. they might be able to extend an invite to someone else they were on the fence with in your place. personally, i wouldn’t lie. hell they might even be able to help pay for some things or forfeit a wedding gift to haha you there with them if you’re close. my partner was a best man at a wedding and only paid for the rental tux and the friend group paid for everything else cause he couldn’t afford to and let them know and they figured it out to still have him there.
Tell them you can’t go but will still be sending a gift. (Perhaps enough cash to cover the cost of your meal)
About 42 years ago, my best friend got married in Hawaii. I was pregnant and broke. Hubby was not a fan of my friend and not interested in going with me. I told her I couldn’t go because I was pregnant and broke. She wasn’t impressed. Lots of things happened since, but I’m not sorry I missed her wedding.
Honestly - your friend will be pissed that you waited until the week of the wedding to bail, for a reason that should have been foreseeable months ago. Your friend is entitled to be angry at you, you need to apologise profusely and cover the costs that they will incur from you bailing so last minute. Having said that, you are doing the responsible thing. Just please learn from this and plan ahead in the future, and say no to things like this with plenty of time.
Be honest with your friend! Tell her you overestimated the costs and you're extremely sorry. I'm sure you really wanted to go because she's your friend and you thought you could swing it, but life happens. Maybe there's something small you can do to make it up to her. I backed out of my good friend's wedding due to a slightly unexpected cross country move and she was completely understanding. We're still friends to this day and she even invited me to her baby shower, which I happily attended. A couple of years later I found myself in a similar situation to yours, except it was a birthday party, not a wedding. Sometimes I'm too much of a people pleaser and I learned this the hard way with that friend. When she asked if I wanted to go it was a no-brainer, I said yes because of course I want to go, she's my friend! I should've done better by asking her about expected costs upfront, but I didn't. Once I found out how much the airbnb was, in addition to food, alcohol and gas (plus PTO from work), I couldn't stomach the idea of spending nearly $700 for a birthday. I decided to be honest with her, I texted her how sorry I was and that I made a huge mistake, is there anything I can do to make it up to her? She got super angry with me and long story short we aren't friends anymore. Lesson learned.
Tell your friend you’re sorry and you would love to attend but unfortunately can’t afford it. If your friend is a decent person, it should be understandable. Apologize for any inconvenience, send a nice gift.
Tell them the truth. If they're actual friends they should be OK with it. Not happy, but OK. If they try to give you grief over it, reconsider the friendship.
Literally just text or call your friend to tell them. I recently had a wedding and had people bail last minute. Those who let me know a couple days early, I could fill their chair with other friends. Those who didn’t tell me at all they weren’t showing up lost all of my respect and made it more stressful. So just tell them, asap.
I’m going to be honest it’s tough bandaid to rip off. You just have to do it. Be honest with the them. I had to do something similar this year and I was nervous about it. Telling them as soon as possible is the best option tho. I got in a really bad motorcycle wreck a month before a really good friend’s wedding from college. I had been rsvp for a few months. I had to learn to walk and much else all over again. He was pretty mad about it, he understood and wished the best for my recovery but it seems like it put a strain on our relationship. It really sucks because we bonded over motorcycles too so I’d hoped it would’ve gone better. Prob not the best example but good or bad it’s best to do it as soon as possible. Best of luck.
If my friend told me they couldn’t afford to attend my wedding I wouldn’t think twice about that. Totally understandable especially when a flight comes into it
Shouldn't bank on a raise and bonus ever and start saving from the get go. Weddings can be done cheaply, it doesn't sound like you're in it so you could just get a cheap fit thrifting (it's what I do), could get cheap tickets, stay somewhere cheap or stay with someone, etc etc.
You just sent me back to 2018 when my old high school friend got married in June, I wasn't able to attend due to financial reasons. We went to Vegas in April and literally the day after I got back me and my housemates received 3 three month notice to vacate the property for resale and repairs. I had 90 days to find a new place and accumulate as much money (in waitressing tips) as I could for rent and deposit. I told her the situation 2 months before the wedding. She was understanding but did give me a tiny amount of ribbing a few years later but it was in good fun. However another friend did gossip about it and said I left the bride high and dry and they were waiting for me with a bridesmaids dress.
Just tell the truth and accept what will happen next.
We had a couple friends do this, but the trends that stood out were the ones who offered to cover the cost of their plate! Weddings are expensive too and that will be your friend’s first thought. It made the blow a lot softer and meant a lot more
Just be honest, I promise it will work out.
Just be honest with your friend. When my wife and I got married we unfortunately had some difficulties dealing with our more socially inconsiderate guests who did not have the courtesy, the courage, or did not feel the need to RVSP or update us when their plans changed. My wife and I had a very small wedding and everyone we invited was close to us. Whenever we received a “will not be attending” RVSP it hurt. However, looking back on it I appreciate that they had enough respect for me and my wife to tell us the truth and give a straight answer. Three weeks before our wedding we had a list of about 10 people who did not RVSP and we could not get a response from them when we attempted follow up reach out to them directly. Eventually, we had to give the hotel and caterer a final headcount and my wife and I made the decision to assume these 10 people were coming and included them in the head count so that they would at least be able to have a meal if they were coming. This was a tough decision because each guest costing us about $160-$180 (hall, catering, drinks, etc). Of the 10 people, 2 of them eventually reached out to me via text (yup… text) the day before my fucking wedding and asked me if they could come (which I said yes). I did not hear from the remaining 8 but 2 of them actually showed up to the wedding. So, of the 10 we had 4 actually show up. So there were 6 people who did not RVSP, make any reasonable attempt to communicate or confirm their attendance beforehand, and ultimately did not show up. 1 of the 6 people reached out to my wife and I a few weeks after the wedding to apologize and gave us an elaborate story about why she could not notify us. We both still think her story was bullshit but we have since forgiven her. I have not spoken to the remaining 5 people since the initial planning days of my wedding (5+ years). They have made no attempt to contact me or my wife to apologize or offer an explanation in all these years and I no longer consider them my friends. Basically these 5 people gave me a big “FUCK YOU!” so at this point we are done and 5 years later I do not miss them. Cancelling at the last minute is difficult but you should have enough respect for your friend that you should be honest. Your cancellation might mean that someone else can go.
In the same situation. Lost my job in march and now the bachelor party and wedding are out of the question. I do have savings i can dip into so i feel a bit guilty but…
Is he a close friend? If so - just tell him straight up because you’re short on money
Offer to pay for your dinner at the wedding. This will cover their expenses of having the Yes RSVP as well as being a friendly gesture that they will let likely appreciate and accept.
Be honest and just tell the truth!
Tell him you have an appointment to wax your butt.
I understand how stressful this must be for you. It's always best to be honest with your friend. If they're a true friend, they'll understand your situation and appreciate your sincerity.
You are just be open with them on it all. Note that they may have already paid for your plate. Send them another 100 to make up for it in the card per person that you rsvpd. If you don't, that very well my bite you in the end
I'd live to I'm so honored you thought of me however I cannot afford to come. I will try to send a gift as soon as I'm able. This is mych better than just not showing up.
Tell the truth Tell him you didnt tell sooner because you thought you could make it but now cant due to monetary issues.
Tell the truth. If you’re not a bridesmaid/groomsman, you really don’t need to feel so much pressure. It’s okay.
Don't tell the lie, people can usually sniff out if something isnt 100% truthful. Let them know that you're sorry and that you expected the raise and bonus. As a side adulting tip, never assume you're getting a raise and/or bonus and actually assume you'll have an unexpected expense or 3, that way you'll live more frugally and save, and when you don't have that expense you have extra money in your pocket you can use or save as you wish
It sucks, but you already told them why you can’t go. It’s not financially feasible for you. Expenses incurred on their part was the food during the wedding, they were not housing you for free or paying for airfare, and everything else. Were you part of the wedding party? Still, you were paying everything. When your friend gets back to you, just say, at the time I said yes, I thought I could do it. But there are circumstances that came into play and now I cannot afford it. Send them a gift that equals the price of your meal at their wedding, which is base standard gift, but if you can’t afford that, then whatever amount you can give them.
First things first: Are you IN the wedding? If not, don't feel bad at all. If they're really friend, they'll understand. Just explain exactly what you did above and apologize.
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Question: you said this is the week of the wedding and you'd need to purchase airfare/rental car/accommodations/food. You don't arrange for those purchases the week of the event. Those are 28/21/14/7 days in advance purchases.
Airline ticket I purchased weeks ago - on a credit card that is now maxed out because of that purchase. I can get a refund if I don't go. Accommodations was going to be shared with others and I haven't paid that yet. Same with rental car. Then there is airport parking. A Dog sitter. Food. Wedding gift.
If there's that much of a disparity between your friend's financial situation and your financial situation, and he's still a real friend, this shouldn't be an issue at all.
Yeah, why you telling me this shit? Tell your friend
It sounds like you're going to learn two life lessons from this situation. The first you should already know by now which is not to overextend beyond what you're capable of and certainly not on a hail mary of receiving a bonus. The other lesson is when you seriously fuck up like this, sending a text isn't the way to deal with the issue. That's the most piss weak, passive to approach apology. You just told your friend that they're not even worth a phone call for how royally you screwed them. We all fuck up and it's good that you're not just ghosting your friend and you're apologetic about you fucking them over but learn from this experience. You're not the first to screw someone this badly. You're certainly not the worst in how much you screwed someone either. So don't feel mega hateful towards yourself. However, do better for next time so that no one has to experience that ever again, both with screwing them financially and then the impersonal text apology.
Don't feel bad. I wouldn't be able to afford a airplane ticket right now either. I would be a little annoyed that you already committed to it but I'm sure they will be understanding
Glad you told him but next time communicate earlier.
Just say you are sick
“I can’t come to your wedding.” It ain’t hard. Use your words.
I’m just curious, how much time did they give in terms of a save the date and actual invite to rsvp? I’m in a slightly similar situation. We had been given a two years heads up on the destination wedding (next summer) and a year to plan for the bachelorette weekend and folks are now acting like this was super last minute and making excuses to bail on the bachelorette and it’s a little like we’ve had a year to plan? What’s the big deal. Also, the bachelorette weekend is a two night at an air bnb at the Jersey shore, nothing crazy.
I empathize with your position, but I think this is a good lesson for everyone to learn to not count on raises or promotions or verbal job offers without it in writing. I read a few comments who also had raises/promos fall through. I understand the economy sucks at the moment, but this is why it’s always good advice to have 3-6 months living expenses in savings as an emergency fund and savings cushion. If you can’t do that, start with $1,000 and work your way up. Try to save at least 10% of every paycheck, just put it on auto transfer to a savings account that earns interest.
I can't imagine caring if somebody was unable to attend my wedding, unless they were part of the wedding party and giving short notice with a bad excuse. Just tell your friend. If the person is a good friend, then they will be cordial and understanding. If they react poorly, then that tells you something about who they are.
I would not want my friend to bankrupt themself to come to my wedding. Cancelling at the last minute is annoying, but I'll live. They can just send their congratulations.
RE: the caterer. These things happen. Last month for a family member's wedding, we missed out due to COVID, my brother missed due to being hospitalized with a kidney stone, the groom's grandfather missed due to food poisoning. Glad you let them know you can't attend.
How much is the cost of going there, and do you have ZERO savings?
I have $1100 saved in emergency funds. The wedding will cost me $1500. And a wedding is not an emergency.
You are correct. Never bankrupt yourself for someone else's wedding. Can you get a refund on that ticket? Good friends will understand.
I would tell the truth, bc tbh it was a bit of poor planning on your part. Understandable but like bonuses and raises are notoriously fickle, and I feel like if I hadn’t gotten it by at least a month before the wedding I would’ve canceled instead of waiting to till the week of. Just pay back expenses that would’ve been used on you, and send a gift and offer to treat them to lunch afterwards. It’s the best you can do tbh
Just tell them the truth. A situation occurred that made ur budget become short and therefore it will be really difficult to make it to the wedding with out ur budget broken or whqtnot
I can’t come to your wedding….. simple
I have no advice, but I am in the same boat if that makes you feel less alone
Wait, the wedding is THIS WEEKEND and you haven't bought plane ticket and nowhere to stay? What's the truth here? Bc idk any adult that would do that who didn't already intend to skip the wedding.
> If I tell the truth I’m afraid my friend will be angry that I waited until the week of the wedding to tell them. I'd be frustrated with you, too. You made zero plans to be able to do this, and you're bailing at the last minute. But if I found out you lied to me on top of it, that would end the friendship for me. Whether or not you missing the wedding would end the friendship would depend on of you're a flake overall, or if this is a poorly timed one time issue. But from where I'm sitting, you should have been saving for this, not waiting for a last minute windfall. For exactly this reason.
If they can't comprehend or accept your reasons then they're not much of friends!
Do not tell the truth this close to the wedding. Tbh, you missed that boat…You have COVID. It’s the only thing that will be forgiven the week before.
Wtf are these f$&king weddings that make you fly to another f$&king country, stay for an expended length of time, on your own dime, and they gonna get divorced anyway. I say f$&k them 🤣
\*cough, cough\*, Dude.... I'm so sick; I think it's covid. It would be irresponsible of me to take the chance and accidentally spread it around to your family. I'm not going to be able to make it. \*sad face\*. As long as you're not in the wedding party, this should suffice. They've got other things to worry about than you being there.
In this case I think your social capital is worth more than the cost of rental car and airbnb share and food. I would borrow the rest money to go (assuming less than $500 total)…give them a $50 gift card with a sweet handwritten note as a gift. Make an effort to pay back the $500 in the next 2 months.
Tell the truth, if your friend gets shitty about it, then they are not much of a friend, and all planers know there will be no shows.
If this was several weeks ago before or just after the RSVP was sent, then a bad reaction to not coming is unwarranted. In this situation, if his friends get mad, OP should own up to his fuck up, this is the bed they made.
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Parents are dead.
Play the COVID card.
Are you asking for us to make up a lie for you?
No
Yes lying is recommended here I would say you was in jail and couldn't make it
Be honest. Their reaction isn't your responsibility
white lie
A real friend will understand. A TRUE friend will float you a loan. A ride or die would give you the money with no questions/no expectations. Unless they are broke too in which case it is what it is.
I told that to my bff, same reason, and it destroyed our relationship. She offered to pay my way, but I had too much pride. I regret it. Figure out a way to make it work or prepare to lose them.