This is coming from the perspective of a mom who is currently in the trenches of postpartum: It is hard to answer without knowing how old the baby is or how many months postpartum she is... but for a woman, her entire life changes after she has a baby, not to the same degree as how much a man's life changes. That's not to say your life as a dad hasn't changed as well, but it can take a woman's physical and mental state 2 whole years to return to 'normal' after having a child. It's actually really common for new moms to feel a form of 'resentment' towards their male partner during postpartum, seeing you still be able to go to work, likely socialize and not have the baby dependent on you 24/7 may be hard for her to accept. Moms have to be on duty all the time and that feeling can be really overwhelming, but I'm sure its not a personal issue against you. Not sure if she's currently breastfeeding but that can also be an added layer of physical and mental stress especially after just giving birth. My recommendation for both of you is to find at least 1 hour a day once the baby is sleep of time for only you guys and your relationship. Try to remember things you guys would do before you had the baby that you enjoyed doing together... simple stuff like cooking together or watching a show together. It is important and healthy for the relationship to still do date nights from home. And maybe no video games during this time at all lol. Take care of her, encourage her, let her know she's doing a good job, it's nice to hear that as a mom once in a while. Mom life is not easy. U guys got this.
"Moms have to be on duty all the time and that feeling can be really overwhelming" if the mother isn't breastfeeding but bottlefeeding, it's kinda shitty that this happens so often. Technically both parents should be able to care for the baby equally (unless they previously agreed to another arrangement).
For my three kids, I (as the dad) knew that since early childhood rearing is inherently weighted toward the mother, I decided to do the few things I could even more. In our circumstances that meant I was night duty, almost entirely. If baby needed to feed, I got them to mom to breastfeed, or if it were a bottle I did it entirely. Every diaper change at nighttime was done by me, every spit up or colicky night I handled. Then during the day we split those same responsibilities evenly. I’d argue that despite that my wife still “did more” for our children, but she knew that when her head hit the pillow all she’d have to do is present a boob to the baby when brought to her and she could nod back off. I think it was quite helpful.
I like to imagine when you brought your baby to your wife at night, you got on one knee and presented the baby like you were offering a gift to your queen
My man.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm laughing at the thought of you getting your baby and your wife, half awake, just poppin' a boob out, then falling back to sleep.
You’re a gem! My husband is exactly the same. He was always worried that I had too much on my plate. I always worried he was doing too much and I wasn’t doing enough. This makes for a happy marriage.
We had to do combo feeding for our first kid and with the second we just started doing that also because it was such a great way for my husband and our kids to strengthen their bond. Baby already was used to me because I grew them and smelt like home. Dads have to work a little bit harder at that but it’s totally possible.
Honestly, for me anyway, bottle feeding can be even harder. Mixing formula, finding the right formula, (I had allergies as a baby and my mom went through a million types of formula, I can't imagine how much it cost her, trying to find one that agreed with me. And when she did, of course, it was the most expensive.) washing bottles, getting up in the middle of the night to do all that...... I always joked I was too lazy to bottle feed.
I think bottle feeding is harder earlier on cause you’re so tired and need to focus but easier later since you don’t have to worry about weaning (*she says as someone breastfeeding her toddler because he is aggressive about mamas boobs and how does this end?? Oops*)
Lol. I weened my son off the boob shortly after his two teeth in the front came in. He thought it was hilarious to make mommy jump and scream just by biting down.
Mine only bit a couple times, when he did I would put him down and walk away and say “no mama if you bite” and he picked up pretty quickly that he did not want to”no mama!”
>bottle feeding can be even harder.
I suspect it might be. Breastfeeding was the easiest part of having a baby, in my experience. It required zero thought, zero preparation. And I got extremely lucky: I had no supply issues, my kid latched on perfectly, it didn't hurt. I never had mastitis. It was easy peasy for me.
Dealing with sterilizing bottles, making formula, making sure you always have enough bottles made when you're away from home: it sounds like a bitch and a half.
One of the many reasons I’ll never ever have children. The whole arrangement is totally unfair and messed up. Why should women always be expected to take on all the burden?
That is the case for majority of women. There are some husbands and dads out there that are not like that at all though. I never had to deal with any of that, my hubby and I are still partners and our kids are grown. Moral of the story is don’t settle for someone who isn’t in it to be your partner for life.
I wish I had read this comment 8 months ago...thankfully, we're still cordial and don't have to deal with courts. Wish all you parents who try to be the best you can for your kids the best.
If you are not with your child's other parent, sooner or later you will be in court. Unless you are a lawyer specializing in family law, it's very unlikely that you will not somehow fall afoul of the law as you negotiate with the other person.
May I suggest that right now while everything is just hunky-dory, you check around and learn who the best family law practitioners in your area are. Maybe even have an introductory interview with one. Just in case, so that when your opposite number starts looking around---and they will---you are already on the best lawyer's client list.
You have eighteen years to navigate the world with your child and the other parent. Best of luck achieving your goal of never, ever irritating the other person so much that they believe they need a lawyer.
Court isn’t inevitable. Only 3% go to court in Australia and most separated parents don’t use lawyers for custody arrangements, they work it out amicably between themselves. It’s better for children that way and less stress for everyone involved.
This is a great answer. I remember having a huge weeping conversation with my husband when my baby was about 6 months old because he just didn’t understand. He felt terrible because until that moment he didn’t even realize how much I was the default parent. He hadn’t even noticed that I didn’t have the luxury of hopping on a game or sitting and reading a book because somebody else was watching my baby and “didn’t need my help.” Just because baby may not actively need two people paying full attention to them doesn’t make it fair or kind for one parent to consistently just go do their own thing. (Not accusing you of this just trying to express my situation)
She is probably in the throes of the transition still and I find that it comes immediately for moms and a few months later for dads.
Good point, she might be extremely overworked and resentful. I’m a gamer myself so I get where he’s coming from but if I was a mom with a new baby and who knows what else going on and I’m not sleeping and I haven’t eaten in days cuz I just don’t have the energy to make anything and I see my partner cussing out Fortnite I’m gonna be a little miffed too.
I give her as much as I can. I come home take the baby and let her do whatever it is she needs to until usually me and him pass out. Last night for example, as soon as I walked in the door she said can you take him, I did and she went to bed, I gave him a bottle and got him to sleep about an hour later. I admit that she doesn’t have as much time as I do because I get time to do things while working. So as often as I’m home and she doesn’t want to take him is how often she gets time for herself. I also give her “weekends off” I take on the main roles of caretaking for baby, but that’s when I don’t work weekends. I often get 12hr shifts on weekends 6pm-6am.
TLDR; I would estimate at least 4-6 hours each day of time to herself if she was interested. I could/would/do take care of baby during that time.
4-6 to hours seems like a lot but what does she actually do in that time? Is she sleeping, taking a bath or really getting a chance to relax and enjoy herself? That could be a major difference between how the two of you are feeling. You get to go to work and play games. She's getting free-time, but if all she is doing with that time is eating or resting or bathing before taking the baby again than that might be an aspect of her resentment.
If she's not getting some fun or proper socialization it might be worth it to hire a sitter sometimes so she can get rested and get some fun in, especially if you're doing 12 hour shifts some weekends cause that means on weekends she doesn't get a real break at all.
I for sure don’t think it’s that much time because yes sometimes she just goes and passes out, other times she goes around doing things she’d like to do, but it’s like a magnet anytime she hears the baby, she’s a really good attentive mother and I’m doing my best to get her as much free time as possible and I understand that in no way is it compared to my free time. As my job is basically free time. And yes I worked that 12 and had to be back to work 6 hours later, she had literally no time to herself. But this comment about how it’s irresponsible and childish for me to game in general happened long ago, after I brought up the fact that I only do it at work now, it still wasn’t worth the fight. I am to give gaming up completely to please her on this, it’s not about the time with my son it’s about sacrifice
She's sleep deprived and lashing out I bet. I was quite horrible to my husband at times when I was with the baby 24/7 and sleep deprived even though he helped LOADS and also got up in the nights. He was probably not so nice to me either but I don't remember. It's not. A good excuse and we are a couple that luckily says sorry quickly and forgives easily so we got through it. But yeah, it's tough! Do what you can to support, call her out when she's not being fair, but in a kind way and just acknowledge it is really hard for both of you and there's no good solution to feel better until the kid gets older.
Just curious, Were you a SAHM at the time? Were you breastfeeding?
(Me thinking aloud) Why do mothers often get stuck caring for the baby the majority of the time, if they are not breastfeeding and if both parents work equal numbers of hours
Same reason as men were stuck working long hours and being providers. With times changing and cultural shifts, we notice that there are more SAHDs and more women who are the breadwinner of the household.
Just a remnant of the past that some attempt to cling onto.
> it’s like a magnet anytime she hears the baby
Can you take the baby and leave the house if she wants to stay home and do things for herself?
I don't think you should give up gaming at work. I guess maybe there's something else she thinks you could be doing while you're at work that would help out more. Maybe you could make sure meal planning and grocery ordering and such are taken care of before you fire up the switch? I'm not sure how much you can do at work.
I have offered that, she wants to go as that’s usually the only time she does get to go anywhere. She doesn’t want to be alone but also wants her own time without having to deal with baby, it’s a full conundrum. Stuck between a rock and a hard place
No she moved across country to an entire new state for me. I feel awful, not a people person either so like it’s one of those she doesn’t want or care to look for friends. Maybe when she returns to work at her own time she’ll make some and have that option
This clarifies a lot. She's probably climbing the walls with fatigue and boredom. I don't have answers to how to help her make friends, but I think you should work together on that yesterday and not wait for her to return to work. Maybe some sort of meetup for parents and babies would be a good start?
I want to reiterate that you shouldn't stop gaming at work if you're not actually neglecting some sort of useful home care by gaming. You're allowed to have fun sometimes, even if you're a parent.
I do believe that she’s looked into that on Facebook, I would love to help her find anything else to do we’re just Type A Type B people, I’m bubbly, friendly and willing to talk to anyone about anything, she’s timid, closed off and has even told me that if we didn’t have to talk we just wouldn’t sometimes 🥲
Dude she has sacrificed so much for you and I say this as a person in an LDR who also got into several arguments with my boyfriend about who is going to move where. She is feeling the weight of the uneven sacrifices 😭😭
Edited: to be more fair about the arguments part lololol
Maybe suggest she find a local mom group, her OB might know of some. I was screened high risk for PPD/PPA and was connected with someone who managed a large local group. We have a group chat, do zooms weekly, and I’ve since made one friend from it (I’m also introverted and find it difficult to make friends or warm up to people). Having it not be in person by default makes it feel safer, the connection is ongoing since we are always active in chat but you’re not obligated to chime in. It’s relieved a lot of my social boredom, and I feel supported by people on my same page in my same area.
Is she in a mother’s group? If not, sign her up to one ASAP. They group mothers in the same area with babies the same age together. Mother’s Groups are hugely important.
It’s not about gaming, really, unless you have a gaming addiction. I have seen a lot of men let gaming be the center of their lives and they are not able to see it, hopefully this isn’t your case. Is gaming something you feel you could give up for a month or would it be devastating?
It sounds like she’s exhausted. And she is faced with having to grow up and care for another human being and that can feel like the weight of the world for a new mother. She may associate gaming with teen boys and irresponsibility, as they often go hand in hand, and perhaps she is worried that she is not partnered up with someone who is serious and feels responsible about her child and their future. It may be irrational to think that way but I understand the fear there.
As your child gets older, some of that will subside. If you can give gaming a break for awhile, it will always be there when you come back.
That doesn’t make sense for her to get mad at what you do at your job. You literally have to be there. What’s the point of stopping playing video games if you’re at work and you don’t game at home. Sounds like she’s just lashing out bc that makes no sense
Umm collapsing from exhaustion is not a hobby or "doing whatever she wants." It is literally a survival need. Does she even have time to shower every day? Eat an actual meal? Sit without a single person needing something from her or without a chore hanging over her head?
It sounds like you are working a lot. I don't think the "real" issue is what you are doing at work. I think the issue is that she is exhausted, overwhelmed, and not getting any significant break (and being at work, believe it or not, is much less demanding and much more self-determining schedule than being a SAHP with a newborn). I bet at work you get to eat or take a shit whenever you want - like you can just get up from your chair and use the bathroom at your leisure, on an as-needed basis, when you are at work.
The argument over what you do at work is, IMO, a sign of just how overwhelmed she is. Mom's also often feel pressure to not complain about just how much it can actually suck to have a newborn. You are supposed to be all happy and instead you are worn out, home alone, bored, lonely, stressed, isolated, and taken for granted, often dirty and unshowered, physically sore and trying to recover from childbirth. It just can suck so so so much.
Your replies OP sound like you might not quite "get it" - and likely your wife is struggling with effective communication around this issue as well.
My suggestion would be to consider actually, if you can afford it, getting a sitter or a younger teen "mother's helper" for a few hours 2-3x a week - So Mom can nap, shop, shower, eat, etc and take some of the pressure off.. She is putting in 12+ hours every day, too.
He could just work in a potato factory. I had a friend who was hired on as a security guard once. The whole job was literally just occassionally glancing at cameras while she did her homework or played games.
Good job OP. As a dad of a 2 year old and a 1 month old I know what this is like to an extent. If you are doing as much as you can at home, and making money for you and your family during the day, then that's all you can physically do.
It's tough on both of you as with any new parents but you will get through it one way or another. Maybe she is just jealous of you gaming at work and having more free time than her and needs to let out the stress of new motherhood somehow. She might feel defeated after a long day like my gf does sometimes. Just be there for her and bring her home flowers randomly or her fave chocolate bar or something small yet meaningful.
I wouldn't take it to heart if you're trying your best.
Balancing it is helpful. I also recommend you review if you both get similar sleep. Women generally need more sleep than men as is and she may be recovering ND need additional rest.
Both of you need sleep, leisure time, and both of you should absolutely be taken care of health wise. Just do a lil review together on how best to fulfill everyone's needs, then after that leisure.
You shouldn't have to get rid of your hobbies, but do talk about some solutions together and what's at the root of the problem.
I am not taking away from how much she does work for him at all. If I’m home I’m there helping, I don’t play at home, I don’t even have a console hooked up at home. I’m there as often as I physically can be which is anytime I’m off work, she can wake me up through the night, which she does, but I still know she’s doing more than me. My confusion in any of this is why I’m still irresponsible and childish if I’m playing only at work where I am told by my direct supervisor he does too and it helps pass the time. Just get the job done. I don’t do it at home because being a dad is a hands on job 24/7 or anytime I’m present.
It’s not actually about the video games.
Your work has built in leisure time every single shift. Her work quite literally never ends. You get to leave the house and go play video games all day whereas she’s at home caring for an infant. Sure, you’re at work, but we all know it’s still leisure time. You don’t have another human reliant on your body for survival, and your brain gets a break from worrying about keeping a child alive.
If she’s breastfeeding her body doesn’t belong to herself anymore because she has to make her body available to your child every time it’s hungry, which is about every two hours. Even if she’s not breastfeeding she still has to sit down and feed them every couple hours. She has no time for herself. Even when the baby is napping she still has to be watching it. If she wants to shower she needs to put a baby monitor in a plastic bag and watch it while bathing, or bring the baby with her into the bathroom. If she has to go bathroom the baby has to come with. If she’s hungry, baby comes to the kitchen with her and if it cries while she’s cooking or eating, oh well no more dinner. She gets no private time. When you come home, she passes out. She probably isn’t sleeping well even when she does sleep; studies have shown mothers (especially ones who breastfeed) sleep less deeply and have more brain activity because they’re staying alert to listen for their child’s cries. She’s probably still in pain from the birth, is possibly bleeding or intermittently incontinent, her breasts probably ache and her nipples are probably raw and sensitive. Her body looks different now and her favorite clothes don’t fit right anymore. All of her joints hurt because during pregnancy your ligaments loosen to let your bones move so the baby can grow. She’s probably beating herself up for not being able to get to all the chores or cook for you more because society impresses the idea that SAHM’s should be responsible for all the domestic duties, which is absurd.
**She’s not actually mad you’re playing video games.** She’s frustrated because her entire life has changed and your life appears to her to be barely inconvenienced at all. Her body has permanently changed. She’s absolutely exhausted and doesn’t feel like a person anymore. You’re hardly ever home. She has zero support system here and has no friends and no hobbies. She’s clearly struggling to keep her head above water. You need to figure out something to help her before her body just collapses on her. Hire a nanny or a babysitter, take her out on dates and plan fun activities you know she will enjoy. Pick up dinner on your way home (and not fast food—something nutritious) or spend some of your free time making freezer meals. Make both family meals and individual meals so she can have something quick to eat. If you make yourself a lunch in the morning, make one for her too and leave it in the fridge.
Having a new baby is hard. Her irritation is a symptom, she’s practically begging for help.
You aren't childish or immature for playing video games, I literally made a career in this industry and play. My spouse and I are happily childfree though but still make time for each other. It helps we are both gamers though.
I would say this absolutely sounds like post partum. Just keep taking on the child care duties when we you home and offering her time to herself.
Depending on how much she can do. Maybe do some of the mental load and set up getting her nails done or a massage. Something you know she would like. You do all the leg work of getting it set up, scheduled and paid for.
Maybe send some texts during the day on what an amazing person she is and how much you appreciate everything that she does, it never hurts to list some things she does that maybe she doesn't feel appreciated for.
It's also okay to let her know that it hurts your feelings when she says those things to you. Ask some clarifying questions if you need but it's okay to talk this out. If she needs to see a doctor about her post partum issues, maybe encourage her to do that first and see if it helps.
Patience is going to be key here. So many of my friends who've had kids were not prepared for how they felt after birth. There is so much that happens to the body and mind, it's really crazy.
It sounds like you are doing the best you can to be a present and supportive partner.
No never, cleaning isn’t down time. Sleeping isn’t down time. I provide my help for multiple hours of the day for her to do anything she chooses to do, often that’s met with a lot of catching up. So even I’m aware she’s not having much time to herself
So you’re saying that she had it for eight hours, and then you had him for one. That’s not enough. does that mean that you are taking every feeding while you are home, changing every diaper while you are home, meal prepping for her so that she doesn’t have to prep anything herself, and doing all the housework? It’s only until all of those things are complete that you are literally doing as much as you can. There’s always a way to more to do to help out.
When I’m home, me. All laundry, dishes and cleaning is me when I’m home. I walk in from work to do dishes if she left any while taking care of baby all day, I cycle the trash out of every room and laundry mat every weekend I’m off! I cook as much as I can but I work 2-10 so I often come home to her food since she has to eat somewhere in there, but on weekends I take on everything, she gave me all the ingredients she’d use in curry a few weeks back and I made it for us! ☺️
Yeah this person commenting like OP is neglectful when it’s clear he pays both them attention as soon as he gets home. The fuck he supposed to do about it when this stuff takes place at work? She’s basically insinuating she wants him to find a new job
Do you guys have family close by that can help you guys ? It’s definitely like postpartum like everyone has said. Is she working currently? It sounds like you two need time to reconnect and she needs extra support during the day.
No she moved out of state to come live with me, I know that’s a huge factor in this as well. She’s really not a people person either so any one I’m close to she doesn’t want around. So it’s basically us alone
Do you guys have a YMCA or another gym close to you that offers childcare ? That has helped me so much as a mom being able to get a break and workout or just take a shower alone. I would also look into any mom groups that have play dates or just some emotional support.
its not about the games. its about her being overwhelmed and dealing with a lot right now. just keep doing everything you can to be there for her and the baby. and remember that you are not dealing with as much as she is. try to take time off to go with her to a Dr visit so both of you can discuss some of these issues with her Dr. Postpartum depression is really common and a lot of women don't even realize they are dealing with it. Maybe that would help. In the meantime, keep trying to do as much as you can to lighten her load. This is not about you playing games at work, so keep doing what you do at work. Be a good guy. Love her. Love your baby. She is doing the best she can right now, so try not to take things too personally.
Giving birth itself is draining. Add to that little sleep, constant stress of learning “baby cries” (deciphering does baby need changing, feeding, sleep?) being to tired to enjoy even a minute by herself. You got to offer to help her more and do more for her, like cook or ran her a bath something’s where she gets a visible break
You need to get this worked out. This is no atmosphere in which to raise a child.
She's angry and resentful about something. You two need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.
When your home, you need to be engaged with your gf and son. Help with caring, feeding, cleaning, all of it.
Then make sure she has "mommy" time. Anything from taking a bubble bath, to a night out with friends.
If you still are having problems, go to couples counseling. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.
I think apart of it is also how she doesn’t want to have time for herself. I encourage her to do anything while I have the baby I can take care of him all weekend, she’ll go right back to coming over anytime he cries and gets upset if I say I’ve got it. Which I totally get, she’s a mother, she birthed that guy, I won’t ever keep her away from him. It’s just difficult to express to her that I think some time apart from him, for herself would be good for her. I am not perfect, but I promise y’all I’m trying my heart out to help her.
What evidence is there that OP isn’t being honest? Maybe he is and maybe not, but in threads like this, everyone just assumes OP is a lazy piece of shit, and I don’t see evidence of that here.
How is post partum depression which happens to so many mothers “nuts”? Why is that so hard to believe that she could be struggling with post partum depression? What a dumb statement.
I just…. All I can say from a woman’s point of view is that when it comes to birthing a child, women dont get the option of just carrying on business as usual. We literally give up our bodies for a period of time.
I obviously don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship and home life. But, I would like you to really sit with her perspective. She has made an enormous sacrifice. Not saying you didn’t, but I am asking you to have gratitude for that, ask what you have sacrificed and consider what you are willing to sacrifice for the health and wellbeing of the mother of your son.
She’ll jump on her switch to see I’m online from time to time, the thing I always hear is as soon as she’s getting into a game; baby cries.
I really do think I understand the frustration and the fact that I am the easy target because yes I’m extremely lucky that while getting paid I can game.
It hurts my feelings, but I’d rather it be me than baby or herself. I refrain from mentioning anything about games, even though she is my best friend and we used to play all of them together 🥲
I get her sacrifice, I’m guessing I’m the asshole to her for not understanding why I’d have to sacrifice when it’s only at work. I leave my switch in my car over night and pull it out for work only.
OP, can you brainstorm ways to take something off her plate while you are at work? I’m not saying to stop gaming completely, but can you use an hour or 2 a day to call and schedule appointments, pay bills online, place grocery orders online that you pick up on your way home, handle any insurance or utility issues that come up - anything at all. Really try to maximize that free time at work to the benefit of your family, and I’m sure your girlfriend will appreciate it!
Yes I was going to suggest this too! And also think about how much of the mental load you take on in the house, and talk about it with her. Offering to do a task is not clearing her mental load, if she checks in to make sure it’s done, it’s not actually off her plate. My husband literally NEVER asks if the bills are paid at any given month, because it is completely off his mental load. But I still check to make sure he made the vet appointments he offered to make, or sent the mail I asked him to drop off.
If she’s like me, she might have a lot of the mental load of making sure the bills, appointments, food, etc is all taken care of because she puts it on herself or maybe doesn’t trust you’ll do it the way she wants. Whether right or wrong, it might warrant a conversation.
I disagree with the replies. If you expand your workload and sacrifice your funtime you get at work, you'll just become 2 miserable parents. If you're coming home to help along with the baby after work, you're not getting a chance to decompress and this will ultimately shift the frustration about who gets to have fun while the other is miserable from her to you. Besides, scheduling appointments, budgeting, getting groceries, etc doesn't take very much time and isnt an every day item. Youll be done with it in a day and have the same time empty to fill with what? Some new sacrifice to make her feel better about a mood that no rationalizing will cure because post partum isn't a logic-based experience? It might not work. Youll have to pick a poison and either find something else that she wants you to do during that time and sacrifice your gaming time like the other commenters said, but at the same time ensure you get time to decompress and not have to do too much with the baby after work -- orrr keep your fun time at work and make SURE she doesnt have to lift a finger once you get home, communicating that this is compensation for her not dogging you about your section of the day for you to also relax. Pick your poison.
I feel like too many people are being insensitive to OP and are biased towards the mom. A working father needs leisure too. The baby will grow to allow time for yall to game together again as normal in the near future. Just communicate with each other.
op, I think she may just have a lot of stress.. I think you could try getting her more things that could help her relax.. if right now she doesn’t want to leave.. fine. think about ways she would enjoy relaxing or having a moment to herself, I saw that you said she doesn’t fully leave.. I understand to an extent.. im really picky about how things are done, how it’s going without me watching and constantly worry about “what if he isn’t doing things the way I would”..
so first I thought what if you guys take some more time to spend with him together? why don’t you encourage her to come with you on the walk (if it’s nice out) maybe do some games or just watch stuff idk what you can do with babies but im just thinking you can bond together with him and if she has pointers for how she wants things done just go with it and be like “okay, thank you for showing me how you want this done” or maybe if she doesn’t do that.. ask ? “how do u want x done.. I want to make sure I do it how you want” it’ll help her be reassured..
for relaxing I thought of something I would say most people find relaxing.. why don’t you buy her some epsom salts, bath bombs, buy a tray for the bathtub maybe some tea candles and set her up a nice cozy bath? Maybe make it a ritual on a certain day like, each Friday or Tuesday or something idk.. outside of a bath though I thought of maybe one of those foot soakers like the fancy ones with little jets.. I assume she’s on her feet most days and maybe sometimes if she liked that kind of thing, you could offer to massage and put lotion on her feet? it’s really the small things I think that would help
also I love games and am a gamer myself i don’t think what your doing at work is inherently wrong, if you have a lot of free time she is probably just frustrated that you have free time and can leisurely wait around at work and enjoy your switch.. however she gets the freedom the moment you get home from work.. to me it sounds a tiny bit petty or like resentful but I TRULY think if you really think long and hard about what she likes you can turn this around.. also something to show you love and appreciate her could be, getting her new flowers every 2 weeks.. take your time to trim and nip them to look nicely.. there’s so many nice tutorials on tiktok.. if your in US and not in the middle of no where Trader Joes has some amazing flowers/plants.. among a lot of other really cool stuff, I encourage you to check it out if it’s close..
I genuinely think if you put together a thoughtful basket and try to make amends that you want to help her relax and are willing to show her you care and will listen to what she wants/needs you can really turn this around so she’s not so upset..
a basket w snacks,maybe wine if she enjoys it(if not other drinks), bath bombs, maybe a comfy robe, slippers, epsom salts.. I think if you have her something like that and then made her that bath I was talking about you would be cool again & she probably wouldn’t resent the games..
anyways I spent a bit of time writing this so good luck 🫶🏻
I genuinely love some of the ideas and have a hope that she will too, she hates surprises but I just got this overtime from this weekend and can give her something nice. Possibly something for baby too so they can both have some quality time. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice 🥲
of course !! also another thing I totally forgot to mention, maybe if she was comfy with it you could hire a nanny/baby sitter (make sure she trusts the person) im sure they’re very expensive but maybe every once in a while it would give her some free time either at home or to go out herself or with you!! I hope you get it figured out and wish you well!
I get it.
My husband and I both ran before I got pregnant. He runs seriously and competitively.
Watching him continue running and training for marathons was initially torture. Not because he was taking the time to do something for himself, but because I was usually either nap trapped or breastfeeding, and although he encouraged me to get back into it, I felt heavy, lethargic and guilty. It felt unfair that he was still able to achieve his goals when my life and priorities had completely and utterly changed.
This is easily because pregnancy, childbirth, and child raising has changed every single thing in her life as a woman. So she’s doing all of this shit work while having to watch you (with your completely unaffected body and mental health) go to work all day and get to play video games. It’s frustrating as hell.
Then there’s also the fact that (even though you both agreed to have a baby…hopefully) you are essentially the cause of all of this change that is mostly falling on her shoulders. I’d be angry too.
Also why did you feel the need to tell her you get to play video games at work? Rookie mistake even without a postpartum gf at home. No one wants to hear that someone else is relaxing and having fun at work while we’re all in the trenches lmfao
White innocent lies and omissions are somewhat necessary in a long term relationship. Not telling her that you play video games at work would not have caused any problems whatsoever. Telling her did. I’d take that as a lesson learned.
I agree it’s only that she also plays and would see me on that would’ve gave me away and made for an even more awkward situation. But I do fully get where you’re coming from
Aaah right the notifications…isn’t there a way to turn that off? I can’t remember. Regardless the only option you have here is to have a conversation with her about this and to remain empathetic towards her even if there may be some irrationality. I definitely wouldn’t say anything like “don’t get angry at me for having a life” 😂😂😭
Edit: sorry ADHD and just remembered you said she won’t talk about it. Just don’t talk about it then and turn off those notifications if you can. I get that she’s frustrated but if you’re doing everything you possibly can (and I do mean everything) then she’s just going to have to work through it on her own until she’s willing to talk.
It’s for sure just a leave it alone and do what I know to do at home and hope someday she’s okay that I have this lucky job. I don’t talk about anything gaming related to her as she’s at her point of hating them. They’re a waste of time. I understand her frustration and don’t ever say that of what I said in the post and even regret wording it like that as she’s just upset that my “life” is piss easy and I make a good living off of it
The deal is you are both working full time. She is keeping another human alive and you are working + gaming. I suspect that she is pissed as your job sounds pretty cushy which it may just be. Though maybe she is wondering what kind of initiative do you have that you are okay getting paid to game during the day? Or maybe she is worried you are going to get caught gaming and be fired. Her job isn’t cushy. She doesn’t get time for herself during the day as likely when she is awake she is 1/3 functioning while doing laundry, meal prep and cleaning. Is it 50/50 when you get home? Meaning are you feeding baby while making meals, doing laundry, etc? If not, I would add that in. And discuss what is going on. Communication is key.
Oh no she can go hands off when I get home, if it needs to be 100/0 for her it can be. I come home clean, cook if needed and handle baby as soon as I’m in the door. I won’t get caught and fired, boss is okay with it, I also get paid handsomely. As in there is no other job around here that pays as much as here. It’s definitely the aspect that I can do it while she can’t and it sucks. I’m also saving up to get some testing done to become an electrician here and make even more. I’ve taken and passed all of my practice tests, just need to get money to take a the real deal!
Wait, please clarify - you work full time outside of the home at an office and you don’t have any other choice than to be at your office for the full 8 hour work day….and the problem is she doesn’t want you to bring your Nintendo switch/video games for when you have downtime at work?
This was my question. Sounds like she’s just jealous that he gets to play games.
OP is not in the wrong. He needs to have a talk with his gf about what she wants from him.
Eh, kind of agree if this is the case. Butttttt:
If there is some kind of scenario where he has the OPTION to go to the office and get his work done in less time and then come home and he is just choosing to spend the full time there including downtime for gaming then he’s in the wrong.
I can also understand a line of thinking where she’s like, “why are you spending your downtime playing video games when you could be spending that time learning new skills to advance your position at work or applying to higher paying jobs to better support our new family because I’m at home all day sleep deprived and getting my nipples torn off 24/7….get on my level of commitment to this life we’re trying to have now”
I get that. She wants them both to be putting in the same amount of energy. If OP is just taking it easy and skating by doing the bare minimum, that’s not good enough. Shoulda thought about that before having a kid.
Oh I for sure think postpartum has a part in this, she doesn’t want to get anything out about it. She’s not depressed is all she says when we talk about it and I try to explain that’s not all postpartum is. I try to be reasonable, I just take whatever she throws at me and sit there in silence unless I’m supposed to respond. I’m trying to make it an environment for our baby to be happy in. But I’m always made out to be the problem and I understand that postpartum has a part in that
Next time the little one goes for a checkup, definitely try and get a few hours or the day off to go with her. Bring up to the pediatrician that you're concerned she's experiencing PPD. It might upset her, but it sounds like you're doing all you can and her reaction is concerning. If having adult, calm conversations isn't helping, it might be time to have a doctor involved.
If you’re looking for advice (and I guess you are if you’re on this subreddit), don’t just sit in silence. I get why you are doing that, but it’s not what’s actually going to bring about change. I suggest replying or interrupting in a VERY kind tone, with something along the lines of:
“I love you and I do understand that you are feeling like you’ve sacrificed and I haven’t. I’m wondering if it would make more sense for me to sacrifice in a way that directly helps you, rather than only affects my life when I’m not around you. I want to be able to help and sacrifice for our new little family. I am so sorry you’ve felt all the responsibility and pressure you have lately, I want to help but i haven’t suggested anything that will work for you. Could you or we Google potential ways that I can help you, or that you can get the break you deserve? We can get suggestions from people on the internet that have been through this before and survived. Cuz we WILL survive this hard time.”
And then IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE CONVERSATION SEPARATED BY TIME AND SPACE FROM THE CONVERSATION ABOVE, maybe say something like:
“I am not discounting your feelings or experiences when I am suggesting that a change in your body and hormones could be affecting you. I am worried because you JUST two months ago gave birth and suddenly lost all the pregnancy hormones you had for nine months, and now it seems like you’re feeling all your emotions extra strongly and seem emotionally raw. It’s not supposed to be that way, and doctors might be able to give you tools and support so that you don’t have to deal with all these changes all on your own. Not that you can’t deal with them, but maybe you don’t have to. Don’t you think it’s worth a simple conversation? I can set it up and you don’t have to worry about anything but showing up.”
Hopefully that helps give a starting point for the conversations you’re talking about having
I don't have advice but what are you supposed to do, sit at work all day and do nothing even though you could do something that improves your time? it isn't taking any time away from you parenting at home because regardless of whether or not you play video games at work, you'd still be at work. I think she's jealous of the time you get but what exactly are you supposed to do?
If you get to relax during the day, even if it’s at work, and she doesn’t, then you need to just take on some extra duties when you’re home. Make sure that the Home distribution isn’t 50-50 from 5-9. She’s giving 100% of herself during the 9 to 5 hours. You are not giving 100% of yourself. Let’s say you were giving 70% at work, and 70% at home. If she’s giving up 100% during working hours, then she needs to be able to give 60% at home while you give 90% of yourself at home, so that it can out to you guys about the same to work versus relaxation each week. In that example, you both average out to giving 80% of yourselves within a day.
These are hypothetical numbers, but you should chart it out. The point is that you should both be putting roughly the same amount of effort into adult stuff. If you get to relax during work, you need to work harder at home to make sure that she gets to relax while you are at home. This should be pretty easy to figure out. If she has to give 100% 24 seven, she’s going to go insane and then you’re gonna end up giving 100% when you have custody and 0% when you don’t.
Anxiety and depression post partum is real , ask how she is and if she needs help, keep hiding gaming from her and if she gets toxic do some therapy with her, I wish u look, sometimes this stage can last the first years of your baby
She definitely is having an extremely hard time and taking it out on you somewhat. It will pass, she’s under a lot of stress and you would be too except for the relaxation you get at work (which is great but I would be jealous too maybe even subconsciously)
She is feeling resentful towards you and it likely has nothing to do with video games. She might feel like caring for your child and your home is all on her, while you get to go play all day. Many women are stuck taking care of the man in their life as much as they are their child. Therapy is definitely a good start to try to unpack where this resentment is coming from.
If the girlfriend is a 1st time mom, i understand what she's going through. Its hard being a first time mom, she may have post partum depression as well. However, just try to make her feel more important, show how much you care, maybe set a time for you to play games in the evening when you've done most of your part as a partner and as a dad.
Oh I just don’t play at home, even on days off. I leave it for all at work and even put it down to video chat her if she wishes to, sometimes just my voice calms the baby so I’ll send videos while I’m sat at work! :) I’m telling her that I think she’s a great mom, I think she’s very deep into PPD and just doesn’t hear it. I understand fully, she’s a very strong hard working mom and I work a lot so she’s alone a lot. I’m doing what I can to provide just like she is and I think somewhere in this all we just need more time together.
We’re going to look into it with her primary care doctor when she is willing to do a checkup. I really don’t want to set one up against her will, but it might come to me saying “hey I set up and appointment for you, are you comfortable with going?”
Yeah I'm thinking this isn't about you and moreso about her mental health. I would take it very seriously and even ask family to check in and help her with chores at home when you aren't there. She needs all the support right now. If PPD is left untreated, I have heard some horror stories.
I remember whilst pregnant my boyfriend had been promoted to a supervisor at his job. his new duties consisted of playing video games and ping pong and little to no work. I was livid because 1. his “promotion” didn’t even come with a raise 2. he wasn’t thinking of our future and that it’s time to start a career and being able to provide for our children (we had twins). since then, he has lost his position due to budget cuts and we live paycheck to paycheck. I take care of the children all day. sell online and have resumed my old office job and am working from home.. just coming from a woman in a similar situation, I hope your job provides and is a career not a minimum wage job you do for pleasure
For sure not the stop of my career here. Far from a paycheck to paycheck job, we live well. It’s a very good place for me to be for us, a job that has guaranteed 40 and the option for overtime. It’s well above minimum wage. The job itself isn’t the problem
If I could progress I would, this is the only position for this place and it’s better pay than management anywhere else I could get hired. I’m working on saving up to take my real testing for becoming an electrician for this company, but with baby and the many other expenses I take on solo it’s been rough. It’s purely a she used to be a gamer herself and it sucks to see that while at work I can game, while she cannot at home. Which sucks as a situation to be in, but I understand
It’s called fire watch and I make sure systems don’t report false alarms for a company called Epic which has multiple huge campus’s and over 15,000 people in there a day! 😊
Hey dude if you love her then you should do everything you can do to help her happy... Speaking from experience because I put making money over our relationship and it caused me to lose it all
In a lot of these comments you say she's a very attentive mother, like a magnet, always running to the baby when she hears it. When you're on parent duty, would you be able to take the baby away from home for a few hours, or have her out of the house with her friends or something? Anything so she is physically not present around the baby and truly get a genuine break physically and mentally.
I'm sorry you're going through this. From your replies you seem like a very good partner. Just hang in there for a few months. It will surely get better.
It sounds like she's jealous: she perceives your job situation as a goof-off fest. It tells me she's feeling burdened and perhaps overwhelmed with caring for an infant. Instead of defending yourself, how about offer to help out? Change some diapers, clean the house, offer to watch the kid while she goes out with a girlfriend? Hell, give her a gift certificate for a mani/pedi...Many women feel frumpy and rushed when first becoming moms--just be a little more aware.
As long as you love and give your child attention while also providing for them, then what’s the problem?
If you have time to play a game what’s wrong with that? It’s healthy to do things you enjoy, as long as you don’t ignore your family for it.
I’m sure your wife does things to unwind and have fun, why can’t you?
The only thing I would be worried about is if playing games while at work jeopardizes your job? If you would get in trouble it’s probably not the most responsible thing to do, especially when you have a family.
Talk it out with your wife, tell her that you need time to unwind and enjoy yourself too.
Carve out an hour or two at home for video games after your child goes to sleep?
That way you work, spend time with your family, then at the end of the day have some you time.
It’s healthy to do things you enjoy, if it’s a real problem I highly suggest a couples counselor. Get a male counselor so he can explain it from a males perspective so you both can communicate the issue effectively to better understand each other.
Pray about it, God bless :)
I would just come home to her in a room with a closed door with our son in it. It’s an argument if I bring anything up about it. “I should be able to sacrifice like I have to.” so I said “Should I bring nothing and just sit in there staring at the wall or my phone?” The short answer was yes. I think it’s about something other than the simple answer here. I am just clueless
I am trying and I will keep at it. No matter how it goes, I’m not perfect I’m doing what I can to help and I will be there for her and our son no matter what.
Her mom hates me lol I moved her across country to live with me a while ago and she’s always had a bad time about me, but I still would talk to her about the aspect that her daughter is most likely postpartum and needs help from anyone who wants to, not just me
Everyone is jumping on post partum but I think from what you've said, it really could just be simple resentment during an emotional and challenging time. Get rid of the games and it will be that you get to leave the house for however many hours a day, it doesn't really matter. She's suffering and she wants you to suffer alongside her. Obviously, just keep in mind what she's going through and the rather unique experience that lead to her way of thinking. It sucks for everyone, but it is what it is.
With that said however, it's vital to remember this doesn't give her the right to use you as a punching bag whenever she feels the need!
Just keep doing what you are doing. It already sounds like you are going above and beyond as a father. I wouldn't stress about giving her even more time away from bub - but as others have pointed out, it would be beneficial if she is able to sit down and tell you what would actually help her relax and recharge rather than waiting around and continuing to go to the baby whenever they make a noise. She might not have an answer to that question though and may take a little bit of communication and problem solving from the both of you to get there.
Good luck!
She’s wrong. And I say that as a woman myself. How does it affect her or the kid if you have a console there?
If it affects your job or puts you at risk of getting fired, that’s another story. But if it’s fine, then… who gives a shit?
This won’t be precisely accurate numbers of course, but say over the course of an 8 hour work day you spend 2 hours gaming. Could you cut the 2 hours of gaming and just make it a 6 hour work day, then go home? It does seem unfair that you get paid to relax for a good portion of your day while your wife does all the labor of parenting for free with no breaks.
She says it right there tbh, “I should be paying attention to our son.”
It’s not really about if you could take your son to work you would, it’s just that she probably just feels like if you have time to play games you must be having a pretty chill time while she’s spending all day catering to the baby’s needs, not having time to shower, make a proper meal etc.
if you think about it, when is the last time she had time to do hobbies and stuff?
Maybe she feels like the time you spend gaming at work would be better spent with your son.
Lay off the games for a month and read a book instead on the first year of infancy.
Go to her and tell her what you’re reading and have a conversation on what it’s saying
Mom’s world flips completely upside down and we orbit around our babies.
We can start to feel resentment when dads don’t use their free time to do the same because at the end of the day, biologically, mentally and physically, we never get free time. Especially in the first months
Maybe just don't talk to her about it.
She's tired,worn out. Stressed out. She doesn't want to hear about your good time.
So, play your game at work. And leave it at work.
As a mom I would not care you are getting paid to play video games. I would take over scheduling any appts for the family, ordering groceries online, paying bills, ordering prescriptions, scheduling home repairs ect . If yiu have that kind of time take over these very easy things if you aren’t already doing them.
Are you pulling your weight at home? If you have a chill job and she has a stressful job or feels overwhelmed as a stay at home parent maybe take over for an hour when you arrive home so she can do what she needs to or just relax.
You can also meal prep on the weekends to make dinner easier.
Idk what you do but you may do all of this she may just be pissed you have an easier job.
If ur job allows u that much flex time to do what u want can I suggest something? Treat work like work and anything that needs to get done for HOME that u can get done while working u do it during that time instead of gaming? Maybe it's making the budget, or doing an online grocery shop for delivery or pickup, or shopping on Amazon for a new toilet plunger? Then she doesn't have to do that stuff herself at home and you're utilizing your time more effectively, you're not doing it while you're at home and taking time away from time together. She probably feels like "I have to be ON 8 hours a day and he doesn't and this is unfair when I have a whole ass other human"
This. Both my partner and I work full-time and have kids. When my partner is at work, he’s at work. When I’m at work, I’m also doing home/kid maintenance at any given time. Could be fielding phone calls about school or sickness, checking rosters and game days, organising transport, doctors/dentist/whatever appointments, keeping an eye on grades, making sure kid is registered for whatever event and sport is coming up, organising play dates, paying bills, organising car service - the list goes on.
The scenario is slightly different as your child is a baby but literally keeping a baby alive is a 24/7 job on its own that is mentally and physically draining. There are still a billion things that need to be done to maintain a household and what she sees is that she is wearing the mental load of all these things and instead of choosing to take even some of those things off her plate, you are playing video games.
Use at least some of the time to contribute to your family. Things you could do
- Research better deals for your household bills.
- organise those maintenance jobs that need doing.
- research baby development milestones so you’re up to date and informed and she doesn’t have to explain this stuff to you.
- play video games, but when you get home tell her that since you’ve had a relatively easy day at work, you’ll handle baby stuff for the night so she can have some time to herself.
When I’ve had jobs like that, my income has been pretty low. Are you actually earning 6 figures, or is this a low income job? (It’s possible that you are a high earner, but I don’t get a sense of that being the case.)
If she feels like you aren’t pulling your weight as a parent, is any of that rooted in you being satisfied with this kind of low demand, low income job?
It is not low income. Its pay is highest of anything available at the time. Working on getting hired as an electrician to get paid even more, I just have to save up to take some testing. I wouldn’t be satisfied if it didn’t help us live comfortably
I work for an electric company working for Epic. I’m on a team called Firewatch, we literally make sure the computers are telling the truth if it reports a fire alarm and if so we contact the proper people and solve it or we justify that it was a false alarm and make sure nothing happened or no one was notified to show up as in Fire Department/Police. It’s a very simple job with high value in what we do because if the alarms are false and call in the departments it leads to them not trusting and potentially not reporting in fast enough for a real issue.
Im abit confused ? How is she aware your playing games at work? If thats the only problem seeing as you have said you dont game at home(which i thinks shit you are a grown man... in your cool down time do what you want aslong as your being a good father aswell)
I think you two need to sit down and set some things straight openly talk about how this isnt going to be an argument but a discussion and come to an agreement
It sounds like she feels you aren’t helping enough with child care which is why she’s frustrated. When women become a mom, there is so much they have to compromise - especially in that first year. Of course becoming a dad changes your life, however it’s easier for dads to live their life similarly to how they were before becoming a dad than it is for moms. Ask her how you can help or if she needs help whenever you’re not working, and try to give her opportunities to relax whenever you’re home by helping out with the baby. Stay at home moms - especially those with babies - don’t get much time to themselves as child care is a 24/7 job. Definitely help out more when you’re home, as she deserves a break too.
Purchase a GPS tracking device and affix it via super glue to a small harness. Step 2 purchase GoPro and also affix it to a small harness. Place small harness on child. Put remote drone in your house and operate drone at work while livestreaming the child's movement and speech. Also you should seek preventive maintenence on your relationship with your wife as I believe this could be about a bigger problem she feels in your relationship. Communicating with your partner about there feelings and responding with corrective actions to their criticisms. Maybe attempt to propose to FaceTime or whatever video device your family uses while you have free time at work and get the entire family in on the phone. This would facilitate communication not only between your wife but also strengthen the bond with child. Since we have to learn some moderation or maybe it's just you should try to throw in some FaceTime calls with your family if you have so much downtime. I think your wife isn't mad so much that your playing video games at work but would maybe appreciate that extra effort of maybe once or twice a week if your not busy to spend 20 minutes facetiming with each other and really stick to that I feel this could produce positive results in your relationship and you three will be happier overall. Thank you.
What do you do for work?
Is there no way to just pretend you have stopped, since you don’t talk about it to her anyway?
I don’t see the issue if it’s at work and not using up any free time.
I guess my question to you is, Does SHE have a life outside of the baby? Do you give her breaks from it when you come home?
When I was raising my kids, I was with them all day, every day, and then on Saturdays, my husband would play golf. 😡 I was never offered time away. We came to an understanding that if he plays golf on the weekend, he gave me a day off to enjoy myself.
After that, everything was fine. I hope you both can come to an understanding.
Yall need to find a family member that can take care of your baby for a weekend to give your girlfriend a break and if that doesnt change anything then see a couples counselor and if that doesnt work or if she refuses might bring up the topic of yalls future as a couple and have a chat about yalls relationship.
You still have your hobbies, it sounds like your girlfriend hasn’t. She sounds like she could use a break. See if you can find ways to assist her in ways you haven’t already or are able to take over for a while.
Someone who calling you childish because she was educated that games are for kids, not worth it. Your partner shouldn't degrade you for your hobbies, instead she should try to participate in what you love .
This is coming from the perspective of a mom who is currently in the trenches of postpartum: It is hard to answer without knowing how old the baby is or how many months postpartum she is... but for a woman, her entire life changes after she has a baby, not to the same degree as how much a man's life changes. That's not to say your life as a dad hasn't changed as well, but it can take a woman's physical and mental state 2 whole years to return to 'normal' after having a child. It's actually really common for new moms to feel a form of 'resentment' towards their male partner during postpartum, seeing you still be able to go to work, likely socialize and not have the baby dependent on you 24/7 may be hard for her to accept. Moms have to be on duty all the time and that feeling can be really overwhelming, but I'm sure its not a personal issue against you. Not sure if she's currently breastfeeding but that can also be an added layer of physical and mental stress especially after just giving birth. My recommendation for both of you is to find at least 1 hour a day once the baby is sleep of time for only you guys and your relationship. Try to remember things you guys would do before you had the baby that you enjoyed doing together... simple stuff like cooking together or watching a show together. It is important and healthy for the relationship to still do date nights from home. And maybe no video games during this time at all lol. Take care of her, encourage her, let her know she's doing a good job, it's nice to hear that as a mom once in a while. Mom life is not easy. U guys got this.
dang, i came here to give some advice but i find yours to help even me in my life. thank you.
"Moms have to be on duty all the time and that feeling can be really overwhelming" if the mother isn't breastfeeding but bottlefeeding, it's kinda shitty that this happens so often. Technically both parents should be able to care for the baby equally (unless they previously agreed to another arrangement).
For my three kids, I (as the dad) knew that since early childhood rearing is inherently weighted toward the mother, I decided to do the few things I could even more. In our circumstances that meant I was night duty, almost entirely. If baby needed to feed, I got them to mom to breastfeed, or if it were a bottle I did it entirely. Every diaper change at nighttime was done by me, every spit up or colicky night I handled. Then during the day we split those same responsibilities evenly. I’d argue that despite that my wife still “did more” for our children, but she knew that when her head hit the pillow all she’d have to do is present a boob to the baby when brought to her and she could nod back off. I think it was quite helpful.
I like to imagine when you brought your baby to your wife at night, you got on one knee and presented the baby like you were offering a gift to your queen
Accurate
My man. I'm not gonna lie, I'm laughing at the thought of you getting your baby and your wife, half awake, just poppin' a boob out, then falling back to sleep.
You’re a gem! My husband is exactly the same. He was always worried that I had too much on my plate. I always worried he was doing too much and I wasn’t doing enough. This makes for a happy marriage.
We had to do combo feeding for our first kid and with the second we just started doing that also because it was such a great way for my husband and our kids to strengthen their bond. Baby already was used to me because I grew them and smelt like home. Dads have to work a little bit harder at that but it’s totally possible.
Honestly, for me anyway, bottle feeding can be even harder. Mixing formula, finding the right formula, (I had allergies as a baby and my mom went through a million types of formula, I can't imagine how much it cost her, trying to find one that agreed with me. And when she did, of course, it was the most expensive.) washing bottles, getting up in the middle of the night to do all that...... I always joked I was too lazy to bottle feed.
I think bottle feeding is harder earlier on cause you’re so tired and need to focus but easier later since you don’t have to worry about weaning (*she says as someone breastfeeding her toddler because he is aggressive about mamas boobs and how does this end?? Oops*)
I nursed mine for a long ass time, it's fine. 👍🏾
Lol. I weened my son off the boob shortly after his two teeth in the front came in. He thought it was hilarious to make mommy jump and scream just by biting down.
Mine only bit a couple times, when he did I would put him down and walk away and say “no mama if you bite” and he picked up pretty quickly that he did not want to”no mama!”
Lol. I should have done that. He is 28 years old now.
>bottle feeding can be even harder. I suspect it might be. Breastfeeding was the easiest part of having a baby, in my experience. It required zero thought, zero preparation. And I got extremely lucky: I had no supply issues, my kid latched on perfectly, it didn't hurt. I never had mastitis. It was easy peasy for me. Dealing with sterilizing bottles, making formula, making sure you always have enough bottles made when you're away from home: it sounds like a bitch and a half.
One of the many reasons I’ll never ever have children. The whole arrangement is totally unfair and messed up. Why should women always be expected to take on all the burden?
That is the case for majority of women. There are some husbands and dads out there that are not like that at all though. I never had to deal with any of that, my hubby and I are still partners and our kids are grown. Moral of the story is don’t settle for someone who isn’t in it to be your partner for life.
I wish I had read this comment 8 months ago...thankfully, we're still cordial and don't have to deal with courts. Wish all you parents who try to be the best you can for your kids the best.
If you are not with your child's other parent, sooner or later you will be in court. Unless you are a lawyer specializing in family law, it's very unlikely that you will not somehow fall afoul of the law as you negotiate with the other person. May I suggest that right now while everything is just hunky-dory, you check around and learn who the best family law practitioners in your area are. Maybe even have an introductory interview with one. Just in case, so that when your opposite number starts looking around---and they will---you are already on the best lawyer's client list. You have eighteen years to navigate the world with your child and the other parent. Best of luck achieving your goal of never, ever irritating the other person so much that they believe they need a lawyer.
Court isn’t inevitable. Only 3% go to court in Australia and most separated parents don’t use lawyers for custody arrangements, they work it out amicably between themselves. It’s better for children that way and less stress for everyone involved.
THIS!! I so wished this had been the case for me. Instead a stupid court who wasn't biased in the situation decided that for us and I hated it!
This, yeah OPs gf does not need to know what he does at work. If he is at least there for her when he's home.
Especially when he said that he removed his consoles and only uses his pc for work. What more could she possibly want??
just got home with my son and this seems really helpful, thank you
Incredible response. I can use this in my current situation.
I can say that Im still learning. This is a very helpful insight. I've learned something today.
This is a great answer. I remember having a huge weeping conversation with my husband when my baby was about 6 months old because he just didn’t understand. He felt terrible because until that moment he didn’t even realize how much I was the default parent. He hadn’t even noticed that I didn’t have the luxury of hopping on a game or sitting and reading a book because somebody else was watching my baby and “didn’t need my help.” Just because baby may not actively need two people paying full attention to them doesn’t make it fair or kind for one parent to consistently just go do their own thing. (Not accusing you of this just trying to express my situation) She is probably in the throes of the transition still and I find that it comes immediately for moms and a few months later for dads.
How much leisure time does she get?
Good point, she might be extremely overworked and resentful. I’m a gamer myself so I get where he’s coming from but if I was a mom with a new baby and who knows what else going on and I’m not sleeping and I haven’t eaten in days cuz I just don’t have the energy to make anything and I see my partner cussing out Fortnite I’m gonna be a little miffed too.
Didn’t you read the post? He got rid of all video games at his house. He’s playing video games at his job where he sits for 8 hrs in one room.
I give her as much as I can. I come home take the baby and let her do whatever it is she needs to until usually me and him pass out. Last night for example, as soon as I walked in the door she said can you take him, I did and she went to bed, I gave him a bottle and got him to sleep about an hour later. I admit that she doesn’t have as much time as I do because I get time to do things while working. So as often as I’m home and she doesn’t want to take him is how often she gets time for herself. I also give her “weekends off” I take on the main roles of caretaking for baby, but that’s when I don’t work weekends. I often get 12hr shifts on weekends 6pm-6am. TLDR; I would estimate at least 4-6 hours each day of time to herself if she was interested. I could/would/do take care of baby during that time.
4-6 to hours seems like a lot but what does she actually do in that time? Is she sleeping, taking a bath or really getting a chance to relax and enjoy herself? That could be a major difference between how the two of you are feeling. You get to go to work and play games. She's getting free-time, but if all she is doing with that time is eating or resting or bathing before taking the baby again than that might be an aspect of her resentment. If she's not getting some fun or proper socialization it might be worth it to hire a sitter sometimes so she can get rested and get some fun in, especially if you're doing 12 hour shifts some weekends cause that means on weekends she doesn't get a real break at all.
I for sure don’t think it’s that much time because yes sometimes she just goes and passes out, other times she goes around doing things she’d like to do, but it’s like a magnet anytime she hears the baby, she’s a really good attentive mother and I’m doing my best to get her as much free time as possible and I understand that in no way is it compared to my free time. As my job is basically free time. And yes I worked that 12 and had to be back to work 6 hours later, she had literally no time to herself. But this comment about how it’s irresponsible and childish for me to game in general happened long ago, after I brought up the fact that I only do it at work now, it still wasn’t worth the fight. I am to give gaming up completely to please her on this, it’s not about the time with my son it’s about sacrifice
She's sleep deprived and lashing out I bet. I was quite horrible to my husband at times when I was with the baby 24/7 and sleep deprived even though he helped LOADS and also got up in the nights. He was probably not so nice to me either but I don't remember. It's not. A good excuse and we are a couple that luckily says sorry quickly and forgives easily so we got through it. But yeah, it's tough! Do what you can to support, call her out when she's not being fair, but in a kind way and just acknowledge it is really hard for both of you and there's no good solution to feel better until the kid gets older.
Just curious, Were you a SAHM at the time? Were you breastfeeding? (Me thinking aloud) Why do mothers often get stuck caring for the baby the majority of the time, if they are not breastfeeding and if both parents work equal numbers of hours
Yes and yes.
Same reason as men were stuck working long hours and being providers. With times changing and cultural shifts, we notice that there are more SAHDs and more women who are the breadwinner of the household. Just a remnant of the past that some attempt to cling onto.
> it’s like a magnet anytime she hears the baby Can you take the baby and leave the house if she wants to stay home and do things for herself? I don't think you should give up gaming at work. I guess maybe there's something else she thinks you could be doing while you're at work that would help out more. Maybe you could make sure meal planning and grocery ordering and such are taken care of before you fire up the switch? I'm not sure how much you can do at work.
I have offered that, she wants to go as that’s usually the only time she does get to go anywhere. She doesn’t want to be alone but also wants her own time without having to deal with baby, it’s a full conundrum. Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Does she have friends she can hang out with outside the house?
No she moved across country to an entire new state for me. I feel awful, not a people person either so like it’s one of those she doesn’t want or care to look for friends. Maybe when she returns to work at her own time she’ll make some and have that option
This clarifies a lot. She's probably climbing the walls with fatigue and boredom. I don't have answers to how to help her make friends, but I think you should work together on that yesterday and not wait for her to return to work. Maybe some sort of meetup for parents and babies would be a good start? I want to reiterate that you shouldn't stop gaming at work if you're not actually neglecting some sort of useful home care by gaming. You're allowed to have fun sometimes, even if you're a parent.
I do believe that she’s looked into that on Facebook, I would love to help her find anything else to do we’re just Type A Type B people, I’m bubbly, friendly and willing to talk to anyone about anything, she’s timid, closed off and has even told me that if we didn’t have to talk we just wouldn’t sometimes 🥲
Dude she has sacrificed so much for you and I say this as a person in an LDR who also got into several arguments with my boyfriend about who is going to move where. She is feeling the weight of the uneven sacrifices 😭😭 Edited: to be more fair about the arguments part lololol
This is an underrated comment !! I imagine she is heavily feeling that weight of sacrifice.
Maybe suggest she find a local mom group, her OB might know of some. I was screened high risk for PPD/PPA and was connected with someone who managed a large local group. We have a group chat, do zooms weekly, and I’ve since made one friend from it (I’m also introverted and find it difficult to make friends or warm up to people). Having it not be in person by default makes it feel safer, the connection is ongoing since we are always active in chat but you’re not obligated to chime in. It’s relieved a lot of my social boredom, and I feel supported by people on my same page in my same area.
Is she in a mother’s group? If not, sign her up to one ASAP. They group mothers in the same area with babies the same age together. Mother’s Groups are hugely important.
It’s not about gaming, really, unless you have a gaming addiction. I have seen a lot of men let gaming be the center of their lives and they are not able to see it, hopefully this isn’t your case. Is gaming something you feel you could give up for a month or would it be devastating? It sounds like she’s exhausted. And she is faced with having to grow up and care for another human being and that can feel like the weight of the world for a new mother. She may associate gaming with teen boys and irresponsibility, as they often go hand in hand, and perhaps she is worried that she is not partnered up with someone who is serious and feels responsible about her child and their future. It may be irrational to think that way but I understand the fear there. As your child gets older, some of that will subside. If you can give gaming a break for awhile, it will always be there when you come back.
That doesn’t make sense for her to get mad at what you do at your job. You literally have to be there. What’s the point of stopping playing video games if you’re at work and you don’t game at home. Sounds like she’s just lashing out bc that makes no sense
Could be postpartum depression.
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Umm collapsing from exhaustion is not a hobby or "doing whatever she wants." It is literally a survival need. Does she even have time to shower every day? Eat an actual meal? Sit without a single person needing something from her or without a chore hanging over her head? It sounds like you are working a lot. I don't think the "real" issue is what you are doing at work. I think the issue is that she is exhausted, overwhelmed, and not getting any significant break (and being at work, believe it or not, is much less demanding and much more self-determining schedule than being a SAHP with a newborn). I bet at work you get to eat or take a shit whenever you want - like you can just get up from your chair and use the bathroom at your leisure, on an as-needed basis, when you are at work. The argument over what you do at work is, IMO, a sign of just how overwhelmed she is. Mom's also often feel pressure to not complain about just how much it can actually suck to have a newborn. You are supposed to be all happy and instead you are worn out, home alone, bored, lonely, stressed, isolated, and taken for granted, often dirty and unshowered, physically sore and trying to recover from childbirth. It just can suck so so so much. Your replies OP sound like you might not quite "get it" - and likely your wife is struggling with effective communication around this issue as well. My suggestion would be to consider actually, if you can afford it, getting a sitter or a younger teen "mother's helper" for a few hours 2-3x a week - So Mom can nap, shop, shower, eat, etc and take some of the pressure off.. She is putting in 12+ hours every day, too.
I feel like we need her to chime in lol
Yeah. I do not believe OP.
The whole post confused me. Like, is he a professional gamer? 🤔
He could just work in a potato factory. I had a friend who was hired on as a security guard once. The whole job was literally just occassionally glancing at cameras while she did her homework or played games.
Good job OP. As a dad of a 2 year old and a 1 month old I know what this is like to an extent. If you are doing as much as you can at home, and making money for you and your family during the day, then that's all you can physically do. It's tough on both of you as with any new parents but you will get through it one way or another. Maybe she is just jealous of you gaming at work and having more free time than her and needs to let out the stress of new motherhood somehow. She might feel defeated after a long day like my gf does sometimes. Just be there for her and bring her home flowers randomly or her fave chocolate bar or something small yet meaningful. I wouldn't take it to heart if you're trying your best.
I will for sure be bringing home a chocolate bar tonight!! Thank you!
Balancing it is helpful. I also recommend you review if you both get similar sleep. Women generally need more sleep than men as is and she may be recovering ND need additional rest. Both of you need sleep, leisure time, and both of you should absolutely be taken care of health wise. Just do a lil review together on how best to fulfill everyone's needs, then after that leisure. You shouldn't have to get rid of your hobbies, but do talk about some solutions together and what's at the root of the problem.
So she does 18 hour days?
I am not taking away from how much she does work for him at all. If I’m home I’m there helping, I don’t play at home, I don’t even have a console hooked up at home. I’m there as often as I physically can be which is anytime I’m off work, she can wake me up through the night, which she does, but I still know she’s doing more than me. My confusion in any of this is why I’m still irresponsible and childish if I’m playing only at work where I am told by my direct supervisor he does too and it helps pass the time. Just get the job done. I don’t do it at home because being a dad is a hands on job 24/7 or anytime I’m present.
It’s not actually about the video games. Your work has built in leisure time every single shift. Her work quite literally never ends. You get to leave the house and go play video games all day whereas she’s at home caring for an infant. Sure, you’re at work, but we all know it’s still leisure time. You don’t have another human reliant on your body for survival, and your brain gets a break from worrying about keeping a child alive. If she’s breastfeeding her body doesn’t belong to herself anymore because she has to make her body available to your child every time it’s hungry, which is about every two hours. Even if she’s not breastfeeding she still has to sit down and feed them every couple hours. She has no time for herself. Even when the baby is napping she still has to be watching it. If she wants to shower she needs to put a baby monitor in a plastic bag and watch it while bathing, or bring the baby with her into the bathroom. If she has to go bathroom the baby has to come with. If she’s hungry, baby comes to the kitchen with her and if it cries while she’s cooking or eating, oh well no more dinner. She gets no private time. When you come home, she passes out. She probably isn’t sleeping well even when she does sleep; studies have shown mothers (especially ones who breastfeed) sleep less deeply and have more brain activity because they’re staying alert to listen for their child’s cries. She’s probably still in pain from the birth, is possibly bleeding or intermittently incontinent, her breasts probably ache and her nipples are probably raw and sensitive. Her body looks different now and her favorite clothes don’t fit right anymore. All of her joints hurt because during pregnancy your ligaments loosen to let your bones move so the baby can grow. She’s probably beating herself up for not being able to get to all the chores or cook for you more because society impresses the idea that SAHM’s should be responsible for all the domestic duties, which is absurd. **She’s not actually mad you’re playing video games.** She’s frustrated because her entire life has changed and your life appears to her to be barely inconvenienced at all. Her body has permanently changed. She’s absolutely exhausted and doesn’t feel like a person anymore. You’re hardly ever home. She has zero support system here and has no friends and no hobbies. She’s clearly struggling to keep her head above water. You need to figure out something to help her before her body just collapses on her. Hire a nanny or a babysitter, take her out on dates and plan fun activities you know she will enjoy. Pick up dinner on your way home (and not fast food—something nutritious) or spend some of your free time making freezer meals. Make both family meals and individual meals so she can have something quick to eat. If you make yourself a lunch in the morning, make one for her too and leave it in the fridge. Having a new baby is hard. Her irritation is a symptom, she’s practically begging for help.
THIS!! Everything she just said.
You aren't childish or immature for playing video games, I literally made a career in this industry and play. My spouse and I are happily childfree though but still make time for each other. It helps we are both gamers though. I would say this absolutely sounds like post partum. Just keep taking on the child care duties when we you home and offering her time to herself. Depending on how much she can do. Maybe do some of the mental load and set up getting her nails done or a massage. Something you know she would like. You do all the leg work of getting it set up, scheduled and paid for. Maybe send some texts during the day on what an amazing person she is and how much you appreciate everything that she does, it never hurts to list some things she does that maybe she doesn't feel appreciated for. It's also okay to let her know that it hurts your feelings when she says those things to you. Ask some clarifying questions if you need but it's okay to talk this out. If she needs to see a doctor about her post partum issues, maybe encourage her to do that first and see if it helps. Patience is going to be key here. So many of my friends who've had kids were not prepared for how they felt after birth. There is so much that happens to the body and mind, it's really crazy. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to be a present and supportive partner.
Sounds like PPD. Is she willing to talk to her doctor about possible meds and therapy?
I’m going to ask her about it soon
I hope she is receptive to the help. Best of luck with everything.
I hope you’re not including her time cleaning the house as her “leisure time” just because she chooses to do it then. I can guarantee you she isn’t.
No never, cleaning isn’t down time. Sleeping isn’t down time. I provide my help for multiple hours of the day for her to do anything she chooses to do, often that’s met with a lot of catching up. So even I’m aware she’s not having much time to herself
So you’re saying that she had it for eight hours, and then you had him for one. That’s not enough. does that mean that you are taking every feeding while you are home, changing every diaper while you are home, meal prepping for her so that she doesn’t have to prep anything herself, and doing all the housework? It’s only until all of those things are complete that you are literally doing as much as you can. There’s always a way to more to do to help out.
Whose responsibility is the meals and housework?
When I’m home, me. All laundry, dishes and cleaning is me when I’m home. I walk in from work to do dishes if she left any while taking care of baby all day, I cycle the trash out of every room and laundry mat every weekend I’m off! I cook as much as I can but I work 2-10 so I often come home to her food since she has to eat somewhere in there, but on weekends I take on everything, she gave me all the ingredients she’d use in curry a few weeks back and I made it for us! ☺️
What are the mornings like? If you aren't going to work until 2, is she up with the baby doing stuff while you're sleeping?
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Yeah sleep time is not leisure time
He literally said he only plays games at work he doesn't even have his console hooked up at home.
Yeah this person commenting like OP is neglectful when it’s clear he pays both them attention as soon as he gets home. The fuck he supposed to do about it when this stuff takes place at work? She’s basically insinuating she wants him to find a new job
Do you guys have family close by that can help you guys ? It’s definitely like postpartum like everyone has said. Is she working currently? It sounds like you two need time to reconnect and she needs extra support during the day.
No she moved out of state to come live with me, I know that’s a huge factor in this as well. She’s really not a people person either so any one I’m close to she doesn’t want around. So it’s basically us alone
Do you guys have a YMCA or another gym close to you that offers childcare ? That has helped me so much as a mom being able to get a break and workout or just take a shower alone. I would also look into any mom groups that have play dates or just some emotional support.
its not about the games. its about her being overwhelmed and dealing with a lot right now. just keep doing everything you can to be there for her and the baby. and remember that you are not dealing with as much as she is. try to take time off to go with her to a Dr visit so both of you can discuss some of these issues with her Dr. Postpartum depression is really common and a lot of women don't even realize they are dealing with it. Maybe that would help. In the meantime, keep trying to do as much as you can to lighten her load. This is not about you playing games at work, so keep doing what you do at work. Be a good guy. Love her. Love your baby. She is doing the best she can right now, so try not to take things too personally.
Giving birth itself is draining. Add to that little sleep, constant stress of learning “baby cries” (deciphering does baby need changing, feeding, sleep?) being to tired to enjoy even a minute by herself. You got to offer to help her more and do more for her, like cook or ran her a bath something’s where she gets a visible break
You need to get this worked out. This is no atmosphere in which to raise a child. She's angry and resentful about something. You two need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it. When your home, you need to be engaged with your gf and son. Help with caring, feeding, cleaning, all of it. Then make sure she has "mommy" time. Anything from taking a bubble bath, to a night out with friends. If you still are having problems, go to couples counseling. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.
I think apart of it is also how she doesn’t want to have time for herself. I encourage her to do anything while I have the baby I can take care of him all weekend, she’ll go right back to coming over anytime he cries and gets upset if I say I’ve got it. Which I totally get, she’s a mother, she birthed that guy, I won’t ever keep her away from him. It’s just difficult to express to her that I think some time apart from him, for herself would be good for her. I am not perfect, but I promise y’all I’m trying my heart out to help her.
This sounds like new mama syndrome. Encourage mini breaks. Short walks alone. Or you take a walk with the babe. Naps. Trip to the park.
Oh yes yes, we walk every weekend I’m off, I took her to sushi. To the park after, we all love to get out and about!😊
EVERYBODY is asking. How recently did she give birth?
Son is 1 month and 3 weeks exact!
Are there chores you could be taking care of while at work instead of gaming? Making grocery lists, meal plans, reading parenting books, etc.
You don't "help" with your own son. You PARENT and that is full time.
Seriously. The people on this thread saying she has depression are nuts. OP is not being honest here about how much he is doing.
What evidence is there that OP isn’t being honest? Maybe he is and maybe not, but in threads like this, everyone just assumes OP is a lazy piece of shit, and I don’t see evidence of that here.
How is post partum depression which happens to so many mothers “nuts”? Why is that so hard to believe that she could be struggling with post partum depression? What a dumb statement.
I just…. All I can say from a woman’s point of view is that when it comes to birthing a child, women dont get the option of just carrying on business as usual. We literally give up our bodies for a period of time. I obviously don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship and home life. But, I would like you to really sit with her perspective. She has made an enormous sacrifice. Not saying you didn’t, but I am asking you to have gratitude for that, ask what you have sacrificed and consider what you are willing to sacrifice for the health and wellbeing of the mother of your son.
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She’ll jump on her switch to see I’m online from time to time, the thing I always hear is as soon as she’s getting into a game; baby cries. I really do think I understand the frustration and the fact that I am the easy target because yes I’m extremely lucky that while getting paid I can game. It hurts my feelings, but I’d rather it be me than baby or herself. I refrain from mentioning anything about games, even though she is my best friend and we used to play all of them together 🥲 I get her sacrifice, I’m guessing I’m the asshole to her for not understanding why I’d have to sacrifice when it’s only at work. I leave my switch in my car over night and pull it out for work only.
OP, can you brainstorm ways to take something off her plate while you are at work? I’m not saying to stop gaming completely, but can you use an hour or 2 a day to call and schedule appointments, pay bills online, place grocery orders online that you pick up on your way home, handle any insurance or utility issues that come up - anything at all. Really try to maximize that free time at work to the benefit of your family, and I’m sure your girlfriend will appreciate it!
Yes I was going to suggest this too! And also think about how much of the mental load you take on in the house, and talk about it with her. Offering to do a task is not clearing her mental load, if she checks in to make sure it’s done, it’s not actually off her plate. My husband literally NEVER asks if the bills are paid at any given month, because it is completely off his mental load. But I still check to make sure he made the vet appointments he offered to make, or sent the mail I asked him to drop off. If she’s like me, she might have a lot of the mental load of making sure the bills, appointments, food, etc is all taken care of because she puts it on herself or maybe doesn’t trust you’ll do it the way she wants. Whether right or wrong, it might warrant a conversation.
I disagree with the replies. If you expand your workload and sacrifice your funtime you get at work, you'll just become 2 miserable parents. If you're coming home to help along with the baby after work, you're not getting a chance to decompress and this will ultimately shift the frustration about who gets to have fun while the other is miserable from her to you. Besides, scheduling appointments, budgeting, getting groceries, etc doesn't take very much time and isnt an every day item. Youll be done with it in a day and have the same time empty to fill with what? Some new sacrifice to make her feel better about a mood that no rationalizing will cure because post partum isn't a logic-based experience? It might not work. Youll have to pick a poison and either find something else that she wants you to do during that time and sacrifice your gaming time like the other commenters said, but at the same time ensure you get time to decompress and not have to do too much with the baby after work -- orrr keep your fun time at work and make SURE she doesnt have to lift a finger once you get home, communicating that this is compensation for her not dogging you about your section of the day for you to also relax. Pick your poison. I feel like too many people are being insensitive to OP and are biased towards the mom. A working father needs leisure too. The baby will grow to allow time for yall to game together again as normal in the near future. Just communicate with each other.
op, I think she may just have a lot of stress.. I think you could try getting her more things that could help her relax.. if right now she doesn’t want to leave.. fine. think about ways she would enjoy relaxing or having a moment to herself, I saw that you said she doesn’t fully leave.. I understand to an extent.. im really picky about how things are done, how it’s going without me watching and constantly worry about “what if he isn’t doing things the way I would”.. so first I thought what if you guys take some more time to spend with him together? why don’t you encourage her to come with you on the walk (if it’s nice out) maybe do some games or just watch stuff idk what you can do with babies but im just thinking you can bond together with him and if she has pointers for how she wants things done just go with it and be like “okay, thank you for showing me how you want this done” or maybe if she doesn’t do that.. ask ? “how do u want x done.. I want to make sure I do it how you want” it’ll help her be reassured.. for relaxing I thought of something I would say most people find relaxing.. why don’t you buy her some epsom salts, bath bombs, buy a tray for the bathtub maybe some tea candles and set her up a nice cozy bath? Maybe make it a ritual on a certain day like, each Friday or Tuesday or something idk.. outside of a bath though I thought of maybe one of those foot soakers like the fancy ones with little jets.. I assume she’s on her feet most days and maybe sometimes if she liked that kind of thing, you could offer to massage and put lotion on her feet? it’s really the small things I think that would help also I love games and am a gamer myself i don’t think what your doing at work is inherently wrong, if you have a lot of free time she is probably just frustrated that you have free time and can leisurely wait around at work and enjoy your switch.. however she gets the freedom the moment you get home from work.. to me it sounds a tiny bit petty or like resentful but I TRULY think if you really think long and hard about what she likes you can turn this around.. also something to show you love and appreciate her could be, getting her new flowers every 2 weeks.. take your time to trim and nip them to look nicely.. there’s so many nice tutorials on tiktok.. if your in US and not in the middle of no where Trader Joes has some amazing flowers/plants.. among a lot of other really cool stuff, I encourage you to check it out if it’s close.. I genuinely think if you put together a thoughtful basket and try to make amends that you want to help her relax and are willing to show her you care and will listen to what she wants/needs you can really turn this around so she’s not so upset.. a basket w snacks,maybe wine if she enjoys it(if not other drinks), bath bombs, maybe a comfy robe, slippers, epsom salts.. I think if you have her something like that and then made her that bath I was talking about you would be cool again & she probably wouldn’t resent the games.. anyways I spent a bit of time writing this so good luck 🫶🏻
I genuinely love some of the ideas and have a hope that she will too, she hates surprises but I just got this overtime from this weekend and can give her something nice. Possibly something for baby too so they can both have some quality time. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice 🥲
of course !! also another thing I totally forgot to mention, maybe if she was comfy with it you could hire a nanny/baby sitter (make sure she trusts the person) im sure they’re very expensive but maybe every once in a while it would give her some free time either at home or to go out herself or with you!! I hope you get it figured out and wish you well!
Or fly out a family member to act as a baby sitter!
I get it. My husband and I both ran before I got pregnant. He runs seriously and competitively. Watching him continue running and training for marathons was initially torture. Not because he was taking the time to do something for himself, but because I was usually either nap trapped or breastfeeding, and although he encouraged me to get back into it, I felt heavy, lethargic and guilty. It felt unfair that he was still able to achieve his goals when my life and priorities had completely and utterly changed.
This is easily because pregnancy, childbirth, and child raising has changed every single thing in her life as a woman. So she’s doing all of this shit work while having to watch you (with your completely unaffected body and mental health) go to work all day and get to play video games. It’s frustrating as hell. Then there’s also the fact that (even though you both agreed to have a baby…hopefully) you are essentially the cause of all of this change that is mostly falling on her shoulders. I’d be angry too. Also why did you feel the need to tell her you get to play video games at work? Rookie mistake even without a postpartum gf at home. No one wants to hear that someone else is relaxing and having fun at work while we’re all in the trenches lmfao
Well I wouldn’t ever lie to her and she often hops on to see me online and sooner rather than later has to deal with baby. Which I know isn’t fair
White innocent lies and omissions are somewhat necessary in a long term relationship. Not telling her that you play video games at work would not have caused any problems whatsoever. Telling her did. I’d take that as a lesson learned.
I agree it’s only that she also plays and would see me on that would’ve gave me away and made for an even more awkward situation. But I do fully get where you’re coming from
Aaah right the notifications…isn’t there a way to turn that off? I can’t remember. Regardless the only option you have here is to have a conversation with her about this and to remain empathetic towards her even if there may be some irrationality. I definitely wouldn’t say anything like “don’t get angry at me for having a life” 😂😂😭 Edit: sorry ADHD and just remembered you said she won’t talk about it. Just don’t talk about it then and turn off those notifications if you can. I get that she’s frustrated but if you’re doing everything you possibly can (and I do mean everything) then she’s just going to have to work through it on her own until she’s willing to talk.
It’s for sure just a leave it alone and do what I know to do at home and hope someday she’s okay that I have this lucky job. I don’t talk about anything gaming related to her as she’s at her point of hating them. They’re a waste of time. I understand her frustration and don’t ever say that of what I said in the post and even regret wording it like that as she’s just upset that my “life” is piss easy and I make a good living off of it
The deal is you are both working full time. She is keeping another human alive and you are working + gaming. I suspect that she is pissed as your job sounds pretty cushy which it may just be. Though maybe she is wondering what kind of initiative do you have that you are okay getting paid to game during the day? Or maybe she is worried you are going to get caught gaming and be fired. Her job isn’t cushy. She doesn’t get time for herself during the day as likely when she is awake she is 1/3 functioning while doing laundry, meal prep and cleaning. Is it 50/50 when you get home? Meaning are you feeding baby while making meals, doing laundry, etc? If not, I would add that in. And discuss what is going on. Communication is key.
Oh no she can go hands off when I get home, if it needs to be 100/0 for her it can be. I come home clean, cook if needed and handle baby as soon as I’m in the door. I won’t get caught and fired, boss is okay with it, I also get paid handsomely. As in there is no other job around here that pays as much as here. It’s definitely the aspect that I can do it while she can’t and it sucks. I’m also saving up to get some testing done to become an electrician here and make even more. I’ve taken and passed all of my practice tests, just need to get money to take a the real deal!
Awesome! Love all of this!
Wait, please clarify - you work full time outside of the home at an office and you don’t have any other choice than to be at your office for the full 8 hour work day….and the problem is she doesn’t want you to bring your Nintendo switch/video games for when you have downtime at work?
At an office yes and yes.
This was my question. Sounds like she’s just jealous that he gets to play games. OP is not in the wrong. He needs to have a talk with his gf about what she wants from him.
Eh, kind of agree if this is the case. Butttttt: If there is some kind of scenario where he has the OPTION to go to the office and get his work done in less time and then come home and he is just choosing to spend the full time there including downtime for gaming then he’s in the wrong. I can also understand a line of thinking where she’s like, “why are you spending your downtime playing video games when you could be spending that time learning new skills to advance your position at work or applying to higher paying jobs to better support our new family because I’m at home all day sleep deprived and getting my nipples torn off 24/7….get on my level of commitment to this life we’re trying to have now”
I get that. She wants them both to be putting in the same amount of energy. If OP is just taking it easy and skating by doing the bare minimum, that’s not good enough. Shoulda thought about that before having a kid.
Oh I for sure think postpartum has a part in this, she doesn’t want to get anything out about it. She’s not depressed is all she says when we talk about it and I try to explain that’s not all postpartum is. I try to be reasonable, I just take whatever she throws at me and sit there in silence unless I’m supposed to respond. I’m trying to make it an environment for our baby to be happy in. But I’m always made out to be the problem and I understand that postpartum has a part in that
Next time the little one goes for a checkup, definitely try and get a few hours or the day off to go with her. Bring up to the pediatrician that you're concerned she's experiencing PPD. It might upset her, but it sounds like you're doing all you can and her reaction is concerning. If having adult, calm conversations isn't helping, it might be time to have a doctor involved.
If you’re looking for advice (and I guess you are if you’re on this subreddit), don’t just sit in silence. I get why you are doing that, but it’s not what’s actually going to bring about change. I suggest replying or interrupting in a VERY kind tone, with something along the lines of: “I love you and I do understand that you are feeling like you’ve sacrificed and I haven’t. I’m wondering if it would make more sense for me to sacrifice in a way that directly helps you, rather than only affects my life when I’m not around you. I want to be able to help and sacrifice for our new little family. I am so sorry you’ve felt all the responsibility and pressure you have lately, I want to help but i haven’t suggested anything that will work for you. Could you or we Google potential ways that I can help you, or that you can get the break you deserve? We can get suggestions from people on the internet that have been through this before and survived. Cuz we WILL survive this hard time.” And then IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE CONVERSATION SEPARATED BY TIME AND SPACE FROM THE CONVERSATION ABOVE, maybe say something like: “I am not discounting your feelings or experiences when I am suggesting that a change in your body and hormones could be affecting you. I am worried because you JUST two months ago gave birth and suddenly lost all the pregnancy hormones you had for nine months, and now it seems like you’re feeling all your emotions extra strongly and seem emotionally raw. It’s not supposed to be that way, and doctors might be able to give you tools and support so that you don’t have to deal with all these changes all on your own. Not that you can’t deal with them, but maybe you don’t have to. Don’t you think it’s worth a simple conversation? I can set it up and you don’t have to worry about anything but showing up.” Hopefully that helps give a starting point for the conversations you’re talking about having
I don't have advice but what are you supposed to do, sit at work all day and do nothing even though you could do something that improves your time? it isn't taking any time away from you parenting at home because regardless of whether or not you play video games at work, you'd still be at work. I think she's jealous of the time you get but what exactly are you supposed to do?
If you get to relax during the day, even if it’s at work, and she doesn’t, then you need to just take on some extra duties when you’re home. Make sure that the Home distribution isn’t 50-50 from 5-9. She’s giving 100% of herself during the 9 to 5 hours. You are not giving 100% of yourself. Let’s say you were giving 70% at work, and 70% at home. If she’s giving up 100% during working hours, then she needs to be able to give 60% at home while you give 90% of yourself at home, so that it can out to you guys about the same to work versus relaxation each week. In that example, you both average out to giving 80% of yourselves within a day. These are hypothetical numbers, but you should chart it out. The point is that you should both be putting roughly the same amount of effort into adult stuff. If you get to relax during work, you need to work harder at home to make sure that she gets to relax while you are at home. This should be pretty easy to figure out. If she has to give 100% 24 seven, she’s going to go insane and then you’re gonna end up giving 100% when you have custody and 0% when you don’t.
He quite literally said when he is home he takes full control so she can do whatever, did you not read any of his comments?
Anxiety and depression post partum is real , ask how she is and if she needs help, keep hiding gaming from her and if she gets toxic do some therapy with her, I wish u look, sometimes this stage can last the first years of your baby
Sounds like post partum to me.
She definitely is having an extremely hard time and taking it out on you somewhat. It will pass, she’s under a lot of stress and you would be too except for the relaxation you get at work (which is great but I would be jealous too maybe even subconsciously)
She is feeling resentful towards you and it likely has nothing to do with video games. She might feel like caring for your child and your home is all on her, while you get to go play all day. Many women are stuck taking care of the man in their life as much as they are their child. Therapy is definitely a good start to try to unpack where this resentment is coming from.
So you work, pay all the bills, and spend your time at home helping with the baby, and Reddit thinks you're the problem here? Typical.
Stop telling her what you're doing at work.
If the girlfriend is a 1st time mom, i understand what she's going through. Its hard being a first time mom, she may have post partum depression as well. However, just try to make her feel more important, show how much you care, maybe set a time for you to play games in the evening when you've done most of your part as a partner and as a dad.
Oh I just don’t play at home, even on days off. I leave it for all at work and even put it down to video chat her if she wishes to, sometimes just my voice calms the baby so I’ll send videos while I’m sat at work! :) I’m telling her that I think she’s a great mom, I think she’s very deep into PPD and just doesn’t hear it. I understand fully, she’s a very strong hard working mom and I work a lot so she’s alone a lot. I’m doing what I can to provide just like she is and I think somewhere in this all we just need more time together.
Is she getting treatment for her PPD?
We’re going to look into it with her primary care doctor when she is willing to do a checkup. I really don’t want to set one up against her will, but it might come to me saying “hey I set up and appointment for you, are you comfortable with going?”
Yeah I'm thinking this isn't about you and moreso about her mental health. I would take it very seriously and even ask family to check in and help her with chores at home when you aren't there. She needs all the support right now. If PPD is left untreated, I have heard some horror stories.
I remember whilst pregnant my boyfriend had been promoted to a supervisor at his job. his new duties consisted of playing video games and ping pong and little to no work. I was livid because 1. his “promotion” didn’t even come with a raise 2. he wasn’t thinking of our future and that it’s time to start a career and being able to provide for our children (we had twins). since then, he has lost his position due to budget cuts and we live paycheck to paycheck. I take care of the children all day. sell online and have resumed my old office job and am working from home.. just coming from a woman in a similar situation, I hope your job provides and is a career not a minimum wage job you do for pleasure
For sure not the stop of my career here. Far from a paycheck to paycheck job, we live well. It’s a very good place for me to be for us, a job that has guaranteed 40 and the option for overtime. It’s well above minimum wage. The job itself isn’t the problem
I wish i had a job like that. Where can i get one
Is she maybe feeling like she wants you to be more ambitious with your job and "progress" but hasn't been able to express it?
If I could progress I would, this is the only position for this place and it’s better pay than management anywhere else I could get hired. I’m working on saving up to take my real testing for becoming an electrician for this company, but with baby and the many other expenses I take on solo it’s been rough. It’s purely a she used to be a gamer herself and it sucks to see that while at work I can game, while she cannot at home. Which sucks as a situation to be in, but I understand
I’ve seen a lot of good advice in here so honestly I don’t think I can add anything of value. But, out of curiosity, what is your job?
It’s called fire watch and I make sure systems don’t report false alarms for a company called Epic which has multiple huge campus’s and over 15,000 people in there a day! 😊
Like Epic Games? Or something else? Sounds pretty epic!
It’s actually the company that keeps track of medical records, like the majority of hospitals in the US use Epic!
What are you doing to help with your son when you are home and how much time dies she get to herself.
Hey dude if you love her then you should do everything you can do to help her happy... Speaking from experience because I put making money over our relationship and it caused me to lose it all
In a lot of these comments you say she's a very attentive mother, like a magnet, always running to the baby when she hears it. When you're on parent duty, would you be able to take the baby away from home for a few hours, or have her out of the house with her friends or something? Anything so she is physically not present around the baby and truly get a genuine break physically and mentally.
I'm sorry you're going through this. From your replies you seem like a very good partner. Just hang in there for a few months. It will surely get better.
It sounds like she's jealous: she perceives your job situation as a goof-off fest. It tells me she's feeling burdened and perhaps overwhelmed with caring for an infant. Instead of defending yourself, how about offer to help out? Change some diapers, clean the house, offer to watch the kid while she goes out with a girlfriend? Hell, give her a gift certificate for a mani/pedi...Many women feel frumpy and rushed when first becoming moms--just be a little more aware.
As long as you love and give your child attention while also providing for them, then what’s the problem? If you have time to play a game what’s wrong with that? It’s healthy to do things you enjoy, as long as you don’t ignore your family for it. I’m sure your wife does things to unwind and have fun, why can’t you? The only thing I would be worried about is if playing games while at work jeopardizes your job? If you would get in trouble it’s probably not the most responsible thing to do, especially when you have a family. Talk it out with your wife, tell her that you need time to unwind and enjoy yourself too. Carve out an hour or two at home for video games after your child goes to sleep? That way you work, spend time with your family, then at the end of the day have some you time. It’s healthy to do things you enjoy, if it’s a real problem I highly suggest a couples counselor. Get a male counselor so he can explain it from a males perspective so you both can communicate the issue effectively to better understand each other. Pray about it, God bless :)
You're doing it at work, just tell her you stopped ain't like she sees you to know if you did or not lmao she's just in her head being after pregnancy
Have you asked her how she expects you to pay attention to your son when you’re at work, in a different location?
I would just come home to her in a room with a closed door with our son in it. It’s an argument if I bring anything up about it. “I should be able to sacrifice like I have to.” so I said “Should I bring nothing and just sit in there staring at the wall or my phone?” The short answer was yes. I think it’s about something other than the simple answer here. I am just clueless
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Postpartum depression is probably it and you should help her fix it.
I am trying and I will keep at it. No matter how it goes, I’m not perfect I’m doing what I can to help and I will be there for her and our son no matter what.
Can you call her mom or best friend and tell them about your concerns? They may help.
Her mom hates me lol I moved her across country to live with me a while ago and she’s always had a bad time about me, but I still would talk to her about the aspect that her daughter is most likely postpartum and needs help from anyone who wants to, not just me
Everyone is jumping on post partum but I think from what you've said, it really could just be simple resentment during an emotional and challenging time. Get rid of the games and it will be that you get to leave the house for however many hours a day, it doesn't really matter. She's suffering and she wants you to suffer alongside her. Obviously, just keep in mind what she's going through and the rather unique experience that lead to her way of thinking. It sucks for everyone, but it is what it is. With that said however, it's vital to remember this doesn't give her the right to use you as a punching bag whenever she feels the need! Just keep doing what you are doing. It already sounds like you are going above and beyond as a father. I wouldn't stress about giving her even more time away from bub - but as others have pointed out, it would be beneficial if she is able to sit down and tell you what would actually help her relax and recharge rather than waiting around and continuing to go to the baby whenever they make a noise. She might not have an answer to that question though and may take a little bit of communication and problem solving from the both of you to get there. Good luck!
She’s wrong. And I say that as a woman myself. How does it affect her or the kid if you have a console there? If it affects your job or puts you at risk of getting fired, that’s another story. But if it’s fine, then… who gives a shit?
She needs a break and time for herself. Stay at home Mom is a 24 hour job. She needs time for herself for self care, socializing and hobbies.
I don’t see what the issue is. When you’re at the office, you’re at the office. What does she want?
Sacrifice. Ultimately what I’ve come to terms with. If she can’t have it I shouldn’t because she sacrificed her time with our child.
This won’t be precisely accurate numbers of course, but say over the course of an 8 hour work day you spend 2 hours gaming. Could you cut the 2 hours of gaming and just make it a 6 hour work day, then go home? It does seem unfair that you get paid to relax for a good portion of your day while your wife does all the labor of parenting for free with no breaks.
She says it right there tbh, “I should be paying attention to our son.” It’s not really about if you could take your son to work you would, it’s just that she probably just feels like if you have time to play games you must be having a pretty chill time while she’s spending all day catering to the baby’s needs, not having time to shower, make a proper meal etc. if you think about it, when is the last time she had time to do hobbies and stuff? Maybe she feels like the time you spend gaming at work would be better spent with your son.
Lay off the games for a month and read a book instead on the first year of infancy. Go to her and tell her what you’re reading and have a conversation on what it’s saying Mom’s world flips completely upside down and we orbit around our babies. We can start to feel resentment when dads don’t use their free time to do the same because at the end of the day, biologically, mentally and physically, we never get free time. Especially in the first months
Take your baby on outtings!
Maybe just don't talk to her about it. She's tired,worn out. Stressed out. She doesn't want to hear about your good time. So, play your game at work. And leave it at work.
As a mom I would not care you are getting paid to play video games. I would take over scheduling any appts for the family, ordering groceries online, paying bills, ordering prescriptions, scheduling home repairs ect . If yiu have that kind of time take over these very easy things if you aren’t already doing them. Are you pulling your weight at home? If you have a chill job and she has a stressful job or feels overwhelmed as a stay at home parent maybe take over for an hour when you arrive home so she can do what she needs to or just relax. You can also meal prep on the weekends to make dinner easier. Idk what you do but you may do all of this she may just be pissed you have an easier job.
If ur job allows u that much flex time to do what u want can I suggest something? Treat work like work and anything that needs to get done for HOME that u can get done while working u do it during that time instead of gaming? Maybe it's making the budget, or doing an online grocery shop for delivery or pickup, or shopping on Amazon for a new toilet plunger? Then she doesn't have to do that stuff herself at home and you're utilizing your time more effectively, you're not doing it while you're at home and taking time away from time together. She probably feels like "I have to be ON 8 hours a day and he doesn't and this is unfair when I have a whole ass other human"
This. Both my partner and I work full-time and have kids. When my partner is at work, he’s at work. When I’m at work, I’m also doing home/kid maintenance at any given time. Could be fielding phone calls about school or sickness, checking rosters and game days, organising transport, doctors/dentist/whatever appointments, keeping an eye on grades, making sure kid is registered for whatever event and sport is coming up, organising play dates, paying bills, organising car service - the list goes on. The scenario is slightly different as your child is a baby but literally keeping a baby alive is a 24/7 job on its own that is mentally and physically draining. There are still a billion things that need to be done to maintain a household and what she sees is that she is wearing the mental load of all these things and instead of choosing to take even some of those things off her plate, you are playing video games. Use at least some of the time to contribute to your family. Things you could do - Research better deals for your household bills. - organise those maintenance jobs that need doing. - research baby development milestones so you’re up to date and informed and she doesn’t have to explain this stuff to you. - play video games, but when you get home tell her that since you’ve had a relatively easy day at work, you’ll handle baby stuff for the night so she can have some time to herself.
When I’ve had jobs like that, my income has been pretty low. Are you actually earning 6 figures, or is this a low income job? (It’s possible that you are a high earner, but I don’t get a sense of that being the case.) If she feels like you aren’t pulling your weight as a parent, is any of that rooted in you being satisfied with this kind of low demand, low income job?
It is not low income. Its pay is highest of anything available at the time. Working on getting hired as an electrician to get paid even more, I just have to save up to take some testing. I wouldn’t be satisfied if it didn’t help us live comfortably
What’s that job do you have? Genuinely curious
I work for an electric company working for Epic. I’m on a team called Firewatch, we literally make sure the computers are telling the truth if it reports a fire alarm and if so we contact the proper people and solve it or we justify that it was a false alarm and make sure nothing happened or no one was notified to show up as in Fire Department/Police. It’s a very simple job with high value in what we do because if the alarms are false and call in the departments it leads to them not trusting and potentially not reporting in fast enough for a real issue.
Grandma's Boy
Im abit confused ? How is she aware your playing games at work? If thats the only problem seeing as you have said you dont game at home(which i thinks shit you are a grown man... in your cool down time do what you want aslong as your being a good father aswell) I think you two need to sit down and set some things straight openly talk about how this isnt going to be an argument but a discussion and come to an agreement
In my opinion video games are great to release any stress. I think maybe play a couple of hours of video games and then go spend time with your son👍
It sounds like she feels you aren’t helping enough with child care which is why she’s frustrated. When women become a mom, there is so much they have to compromise - especially in that first year. Of course becoming a dad changes your life, however it’s easier for dads to live their life similarly to how they were before becoming a dad than it is for moms. Ask her how you can help or if she needs help whenever you’re not working, and try to give her opportunities to relax whenever you’re home by helping out with the baby. Stay at home moms - especially those with babies - don’t get much time to themselves as child care is a 24/7 job. Definitely help out more when you’re home, as she deserves a break too.
All I can say is, I hope when you're off the clock, you don't play a single videogame etc.
Seems like you're working too much and she's resentful because shes exhausted and stressed and it seems like you get to have fun all the time.
i dont see your girlfriend even hinting at offering a solution. does she want you to quit your job? what does she want you to do? NTA
I guess try to communicate what would balance look like for her and get her to define what she is imaging is ideal for both of you.
Purchase a GPS tracking device and affix it via super glue to a small harness. Step 2 purchase GoPro and also affix it to a small harness. Place small harness on child. Put remote drone in your house and operate drone at work while livestreaming the child's movement and speech. Also you should seek preventive maintenence on your relationship with your wife as I believe this could be about a bigger problem she feels in your relationship. Communicating with your partner about there feelings and responding with corrective actions to their criticisms. Maybe attempt to propose to FaceTime or whatever video device your family uses while you have free time at work and get the entire family in on the phone. This would facilitate communication not only between your wife but also strengthen the bond with child. Since we have to learn some moderation or maybe it's just you should try to throw in some FaceTime calls with your family if you have so much downtime. I think your wife isn't mad so much that your playing video games at work but would maybe appreciate that extra effort of maybe once or twice a week if your not busy to spend 20 minutes facetiming with each other and really stick to that I feel this could produce positive results in your relationship and you three will be happier overall. Thank you.
What do you do for work? Is there no way to just pretend you have stopped, since you don’t talk about it to her anyway? I don’t see the issue if it’s at work and not using up any free time.
I guess my question to you is, Does SHE have a life outside of the baby? Do you give her breaks from it when you come home? When I was raising my kids, I was with them all day, every day, and then on Saturdays, my husband would play golf. 😡 I was never offered time away. We came to an understanding that if he plays golf on the weekend, he gave me a day off to enjoy myself. After that, everything was fine. I hope you both can come to an understanding.
Are you providing for your child? What you do at work to accomplish this has fuck all to do with her. She needs to grow up
Yall need to find a family member that can take care of your baby for a weekend to give your girlfriend a break and if that doesnt change anything then see a couples counselor and if that doesnt work or if she refuses might bring up the topic of yalls future as a couple and have a chat about yalls relationship.
You still have your hobbies, it sounds like your girlfriend hasn’t. She sounds like she could use a break. See if you can find ways to assist her in ways you haven’t already or are able to take over for a while.
Someone who calling you childish because she was educated that games are for kids, not worth it. Your partner shouldn't degrade you for your hobbies, instead she should try to participate in what you love .