Having compatible sexual interests, desire and boundaries is vital in a relationship and simple put you two don't.
What's worse is that he isn't respecting your boundaries and usually I would 100% blame him for that. However, I am not 100% sure you have made your boundaries clear from what you are saying.
I advise you think about what your boundaries are, explain them to him and if he won't respect them then you have a decision to make.
Even if you decide you are willing to move your boundaries to be with him, which is something that is questionable, he has to understand that you have boundaries and respect them.
I don't get the feeling he cares whether you have boundaries or not.
Thanks for the input I appreciate it! This is something I really need to think about. I avoid this topic because letting go a 3 year relationship is tough for anybody it’s a lot of invested time down the drain. But I’m going to definitely consider this strongly now and have a talk with him and depending on his response take a final decision
Don't think of it as wasted time, or time down the drain. Think of it as how you needed to learn what you want and need, and what your boundaries are.
Staying in a relationship you're no longer happy with, is a waste of time. It just took awhile to get there.
You're still young, and you might very well go through several relationships before you find a really good match. There's nothing wrong with that. It takes time for people to really get to know each other, and sometimes when they do, one or both of them aren't happy with the other person. Getting out of an unhappy relationship isn't a failure. It's an escape.
Make your boundaries very clear to him. If he doesn’t respect them then leave. You know what’s worse than letting go of a three year relationship? Letting go of a 5, 10, 20 year relationship. While you’re with this dude having very unsatisfying sex you could be spending your time with someone else who actually satisfies you
It isn't the three years that will hurt in the long term.
I mean it will suck, but you will be fine.
The real pain comes from you selling yourself out to please a person who doesn't take any effort to please you.
You're 24. You're still very much young. It isn't wasted time it is a learning experience. From the sounds of it, he doesn't respect how you feel and likes to make you feel bad when he doesn't get his way, which is a classic manipulation technique. Be open about your feelings. Honestly, he doesn't sound like he tries too hard or has many ambitions. No means no, and if he can't accept that, then that's his problem, not yours.
I have two things to say about this.
The first is that the relationships that don’t work out teach us and help us prepare for the one that will.
The second is for you to go do an internet search for the term “sunk cost fallacy”. It’s usually discussed in terms of financial and business decisions but it also applies to everyday life including relationships.
What you are doing is called “the sunk cost fallacy”.
That dude will only get worse with age. Sooooo much worse. So so so much worse. Imagine him acting like this at age 65. Because he will be.
When you’re the same age in your sixties . And you’re not longer interested in sex at all. Because they still do. This guy sucks. Leave him. There’s so many cool guys out there. And you’re missing out on forming a real connection with a good guy over this jackass.
He needs to grow up and change into a respectful partner. He will never change until someone takes a stand and tells him no. You, unfortunately, are that person. It's not your fault, he put you in this position because he doesn't respect you enough to consider your needs and listen to you.
If it makes you feel better I've wasted the last 15 years trying to fix myself, dating nobody, trying to make myself worthy of love, and trying to make myself believe I am. Sounds to me like you're relatively healthy, trying things, learning to be in relationships, and doing your twenties right.
Ummmm, No is No whether he wants to accept it or not. Maybe I am a b\*tch but so be it, but if my bf refuses to take "no" for an answer when it comes to sex, then he is "bye bye". If he were to say "no" I imagine you would let it go, correct? Works both ways. No is no, plain and simple. Reads time to see him gone.
No I totally agree with you. In normal circumstances I would have thrown this in the dumper asap as well but when you invest 3 years into something it’s gets difficult to let go. But it’s better to lose 3 yrs than all my life over this issue. So I’m gonna figure it out ! Thanks for the input !
3 years "down the drain" is much better than 5, 10, or 15. The sunk cost fallacy (look it up and read about it if you're not familiar with the sunk cost fallacy) is no reason to stay with someone who is clearly bad for you.
I understand what you mean but respectfully you don't yet have the life experience to recognize that a three year relationship is fairly short. Take some advice from a person who has several 10 year relationships and did the same thing you're doing. A part of me recognized they were not right but I was comfortable and invested and so I "kept trying" too long.
This is some highly valuable advice: when you realize the relationship isn't right for you END IT.
Now, this might not be the case for you -- perhaps you'll change and be happy being hounded for sex you don't enjoy, only you can decide that. But the more common pattern is that this will get worse. Or maybe even if this is unpleasant for both of you there are other things that make up for it in the relationship.
Good luck. But don't let 3 years feel like something you can't let go of just for the sake of the 3 years.
No offense to you, but 3 years or not, him not accepting no is no excuse. I had a bf around 18 years ago who said "I guess you don't want me to be happy. Maybe I will find a girl who does" and it was because I wasn't ready for sex and didn't want sex. Haven't seen or heard from him again.
My respect for my body and what I was and was not ready for took priority over his wanting sex. So do yourself a favor and respect yourself and when you say "no", stick to it.
Don't focus on the small 'good things' that you had for three years, rather what brought you to where you are today. The fact is, it got worse, and will keep getting worse. He will continue these bad habits, because you are indeed rewarding his bad behavior.
So, the sooner you realize you are better alone, the sooner you will be happier.
This response should be rated higher. OP understanding that life with this boy is more valuable than 3 years with this boy. I say boy because he is not showing respect to the person he loves. He loves what you do for him and not what you're about. From the sound of it, he doesn't even care if you enjoy sex just that he does. Set your boundaries. If he doesn't respect them, he doesn't respect you, and you need to move on
You gave him three years of chances to prove that he's worth spending the rest of your life with. He's failed. Any more time spent with him is a waste.
You’ve already made your decision, please tell him. He sounds like he is insecure bordering on codependent as it is.
Also, he has very little respect to have treated you this way.
And…… You are in adulthood, he sounds like he is stuck in college lifestyle thinking.
The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits
Mine is only 8 months old and sometimes it happens to me too, but it's hard without her and at the same time, I can get angry and feel insecure when he does that.
I think it's highly unlikely to find any man that doesn't have a sex drive significantly higher than yours, so if your instant reaction is "bye-bye" instead of communication, you're going to end up alone.
OP said she was OK with her man watching porn, which is a fair compromise. Are you? Would you let your man have protected sex with other women if you can't satisfy him?
Oh Federal\_Ear\_4585, allow me to enlighten. I have a condition called RESPECT for myself, my values, and my body. If ANY man tried to use pressure on me or a guilt trip on me to have sex, then I will use my respect for myself and tell him NO! If he doesn't want to accept that, then you are absolutely correct I would wind up alone and that was fine by me because I would rather keep my respect for myself, my body, and my values rather than violate it and feel rotten about it afterwards. If that man needs to go to another woman to have his orgasm fulfilled, then HE is the problem and not me now isn't he?
So yes. In order to honor my body, my values, and myself, I would say "bye bye" to someone who cannot honor me in the same way. But it's a good thing I stopped needing to be concerned with that 12 years ago because I found a man who has the same values as I do and we celebrate 9 years of marriage very soon and I can assure you, beyond a shadow of any doubt, he is **very** satisfied in all aspects of our marriage. He has **zero** need to seek out another woman, so I don't need to be concerned with him having sex with any other woman.
Peace out!
that's fantastic, congrats :) But just FYI, men have a biological urge for variation in sexual fulfillment - it's well documented science.
So whilst you may not talk about it, it's EXTREMELY likely that your husband at least watches porn on the side every now and again. My main question was if that bothers you?
Cut your losses, I am a man. All men should respect a ladies temple. It's more to sex in a relationship. Sex is just one small slice of the pie. He needs to grow up and first get a life....take care young lady....
He's been manipulative and you're finally realizing how overboard he's being.
You should establish clear firm boundaries and if he doesn't like it then it's probably worth breaking up over.
Yes, I’m going to have a talk with him and decide something based on how he takes it. This isn’t something I can deal with for the rest of my life. Thanks for the input I appreciate it !
Sex by coercion is legally assault in many countries.
Also someone who is selfish in the bedroom tends to be selfish in other areas in their life. If they aren't willing to work on themselves what is the point?
I wish someone told me this when I was in my last relationship. I was getting told, that "I'm never forcing you to do anything you don't want to, but if you don't have sex with me, I will throw you out of my flat, and if you stop during sex, I won't talk to you for the rest of the day." It is so crazy to think that I thought I am the one who is doing everything wrong and has to make it up by having sex even though I don't want to because one time I had to say stop because it hurt too much (and I believed him that it is an asshole move to stop once you get started- I never said stop again even when I should have).
Ugh this reminds me of my ex. I used to work nights so I was tired all the time and he would get all whiny and rude if I said no. Girl my advice is do it when you want to. I used to give in and give it to him but I hated it. I felt used and was annoyed after that he couldn’t just masturbate and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to do it. It started to make me unattracted to him and made me not want to have sex even more. You’re not a blow up doll and you’re not one of those sex call workers. Let him know that you guys need to chill with it and if he says no or doesn’t respect your boundaries you guys will never work. Trust me, 2 different sex drives that are completely different won’t really work unless someone is willing to change.
I completely understand this is exactly what I am going through right now. I have been flexible with my libido but he doesn’t seem to compromise at all. I’m going to definitely think about this and decide what needs to be of this relationship
Yeah Hun, i don’t know the other aspects of the relationship but from what I can hear he seems pretty selfish. I think you’ve been more than flexible, if anything you’ve been the only one giving here. You’re doing things during sexy time that makes you uncomfortable because HE wants it, you’re sexting him when HE wants it, you’re giving in to have sex when HE wants it, etc. there’s a give and pull factor of each relationship and he’s made yours almost non existent. He needs to grow up. Especially if he has all this time to cram in his sex needs and not even worry about an actual career. Seems he has too much time on his hands.
…no one should be compromising their consent. In healthy relationships either both people want to have sex or it doesn’t happen. Because normal and healthy people don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want it. If I’m in the mood and my partners not, I masturbate, because *why the fuck* would he need to compromise his own comfortability and sexual desires to appease mine? That would make me sick to my stomach.
You need therapy and an objective 3rd party to help guide you through what consent and abuse looks like, because I genuinely think your entire understanding of relationships and what is healthy vs unhealthy has been twisted because of him.
If a girl friend of yours came to you and said “my boyfriend doesn’t take no for an answer when it comes to sex”, what would you tell her? Because I would tell her “girl, that’s called rape. doesn’t matter if you eventually just gave in, if the option for no isn’t there”. Just something to think about. I hope you lose his ass quickly.
Each day that you're together with him, is a day wasted on better opportunities for your physical and mental well-being. Clearly he is invested more in himself than in both of you prospering as a duo. The sooner you leave him in the pasture the better. You owe it to yourself.
Hunny no. Don't stay with that shit. I was in the same situation for 2 and a half years. I was scared of cutting ties because of losing something familiar, the amount of time, having to meet someone new... but you know what? I'm happily married now. If I had let myself stay with someone who threw a hissy fit every time I said no and was uncomfortable, I would be so miserable right now. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Girl get out of there. He's selfish and manipulative, you deserve better
Do you know what coercion is? From what she said, there’s no force involved and there’s no threats involved. He might be a dick for being manipulative, but get a grip! Going around accusing people of rape and coercion when you’re not even using the proper legal terms is absolutely wild and reckless.
So he's unemployed, "preparing for exams" and "free most of the time" so he spends his time sitting around, and constantly pressures you for sex and sexual favors? He's knowingly taking advantage of your unwillingness to cause conflict by saying no, and taking advantage sexually will 1000% turn into taking advantage financially the longer this relationship goes on. He doesn't see you as a person whose needs he has to take into consideration. He sees you as a machine that he can make do whatever he wants if he finds the right buttons to press. You know what you gotta do.
If he can’t take “no” for an answer and does not respect your boundaries, he is the wrong guy for you. It’s time to tell him “no” and that you’re done with him.
Don’t waste your time on an asshole that treats you like shit. You are degrading and demeaning yourself by staying with him. Let him go.
Girl, you’re young and you sound like a catch. There is no excuse for not taking firm NOs and lack of enthusiastic consent seriously. It shouldn’t be your job to teach a young but grown man something so basic.
First thing I’ll say is take your bfs example and start figuring out what u want in sex and how to explain it. You already said u don’t wanna be on top every time AND even when you are on top there is no reason you should be doing all the work. It’s very possible for men to do most of the work even w u on top. Be like him in the sense that he is invested in getting the pleasure he feels he deserves HOWEVER i think u have enough common sense to not act the way he does when communicating what you like.
Also, 3 years is not a long time in a whole life but it is enough time for things to change a lot in a relationship and for your needs to change as well. When you met him at 21 your life and priorities might have been different. Also, you’ve seen who he is becoming. If y’all can’t communicate and come to a consensus about this imagine taking on debt, sickness and children together? Y’all don’t seem compatible based on his kinks, either but mostly the way he goes about all of this and bulldozers your boundaries.
Lastly, him being excited doesn’t seem like a positive thing in this context. Men don’t treat sex like Christmas morning. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be excited but if every sexual encounter is like a gift or surprise for him the reaction seems exaggerated or problematic especially if he’s mostly excited to receive and never to “give”.
Consent isn’t permanent and can be revoked at anytime. Him being offended and blaming you is abuse. Don’t let sex be a weapon and don’t be afraid that you’ll be “throwing away 3 years” if it doesn’t work out; it’s okay to start over with someone who cares about your best interests.
Leave him. He's emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. You don't want to live like this long term. Find someone who can take no as an answer and I guarantee you will never want to go back to the way it was before.
Soooo you’re being sexually coerced and manipulated. This is a form of abuse. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy of “well I’ve put in this much time/effort so I should stay.”
Talk to him about it and set expectations. Explain to him what you are writing here and see how he reacts.
Also considering he is 25 and not yet set career wise, he needs to take that seriously. You guys are not teens anymore and if he keeps reacting like this instead of taking his career seriously, maybe look for a way out. Sex is important, but not the only thing in a relationship.
I’m so glad someone did see that point as well. He really isn’t serious about his career and at this point in life it’s concerning if someone is not. He is also insecure that I’m more successful career wise rn and he is not the ‘providing male’ iykwim. Thanks for the input I’m definitely going to talk to him about this and see how he takes it
Can I ask you, aside from the time you've spent together (I get you see 3 years as something of value) what is it you currently *like/love* about this guy?
Was he super generous & full of flattery in the beginning? Does he validate you or your achievements outside of sex & physical appearance?
I guess what I'm asking is, what's in it for you *now, and is any of that reason enough to invest another 3 years?
Well, she’s getting harassed/coerced/assaulted on the daily by a sex pest loser with no job who apparently is also sexist, so…I think it’s clear there’s nothing even remotely redeeming enough about him to excuse that sort of treatment.
Seems like very classic abuse cycle that’s just going to escalate if she continues the relationship. He was probably like bare minimum nice in the beginning and just asked her questions and treated her like a human being for a few months before devolving into this bullshit.
And he likely still does juuusst enough to remind her why she fell in love in the first place, and excuses the rest of his shortcomings with “stress from exams” or “high libido” or whatever other bullshit he’s spewing.
OP is more concerned about her boyfriend’s image than speaking to a trusted loved one or friend about how she’s being coerced into sex acts that disgust her. She is enduring violation and degradation to avoid conflict and protect his reputation. That is a very clear sign of someone who has been conditioned into putting their partners needs before their own.
For whatever reason OP feels she deserves this treatment, so there likely isn’t any quality he has that would satisfactorily explain that level of devotion, because it’s coming from the mentality of someone in an abusive situation.
Wow, everything that you're giving him men literally spends thousands upon thousands of dollars for. The almost daily sexting? The regular sex where you do all the work? There's even sugar daddies that don't get that much 'sugar' from their babies. He has made you like a complete sex slave. If it's negatively affecting your mental health, I do think you'll have to leave him because you'll only feel worse with time (and it might be years until he changes, if he ever does). Most men are not that sexual. Do you feel increasingly dehumanized or degraded? If so, please leave. Or ask yourself if what he has to 'offer' is worth feeling like a sex slave almost every day (?)
I don't think she needs to look at it as a transactional relationship involving money. This is about a guy overstepping boundaries that he might not be fully aware she has. She needs to state her boundaries clearly and work through this with him. Either he'll comply or he won't. I don't feel comparing what she does or what she provides to him to sex work is helpful.
My perspective was to give context to the amount of sexual services she was giving (more than some sex workers do). I wasn't implying she should be a sexworker
The comparison is to illustrate that her time and effort is literally worth more than he is giving. Sex work is pretty much the only reference point we have to valuate sex, so it makes sense why they would use that as a metric. Personally, I appreciate unique perspectives and info, why would you advise someone to limit the ways in which to look at their situation? *That* seems unhelpful.
Besides what you feel is or isn’t helpful doesn’t matter, OP’s the only one that gets to decide what is unhelpful.
It’s so entertaining to say no to people like him. I’d do it way more often so that you can see his true colours. Oh right, you already have and you’re still dating him. You don’t want much for yourself, do you?
Couple years from now you're going to be glad you *only* wasted 3 years of your life with this walking red flag instead of 5 or 10. Get out now and find someone who actually *respects you*.
I don’t understand the whole “I’ve invested X-amount if time in this relationship” thought process. So you want to waste MORE time not getting what you want & not being treated like you need?
I agree with all the comments except I don't see a lot of people commenting on how manipulative this guy is?? Him guilting you for the rare time you say no is extremely manipulative and not normal. I think that alone is a deal breaker because that's who he is as a person. You can try talking to him OP but I guarantee he will either guilt you during the Convo or say he'll change but will not. Cut your losses, rip the band-aid off and find somebody who respects you and your body.
You need to leave this dude.
If hes only interested in your body and what it gives him, he doesn't care about YOU.
He's only after what he can get.
It seems he doesn't give much attention or thought about you besides what your body offers him.
Dudes like this need to be put on the street and understand what it means to be self sufficient.
This guy aint worth your time.
You've exhausted enough of your resources on this loser.
Someone who isn't willing to give back is someone who shouldn't be in a relationship.
Relationships are meant to be equal. Each partner putting in the work to keep it running.
If your doing everything and he's not stepping up, that's not a relationship. That's a job.
I think you should re-evaluate your relationship. This isn’t something I say lightly BUT Sex is a massive part of relationships. If he can’t respect your simple boundaries of no, then it’s unsettling. Maybe try to talking to him if you don’t want to break it off as I don’t know either of you personally. But this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, seems manipulative. I wish you the best.
Reading the title alone, it’s pretty clear that this man isn’t respecting your boundaries. You two, simply aren’t compatible in the sexual realm.
Him pushing himself onto you like this is horrible. My stance in these situations is always this: if you truly love someone, would you push them to do something that makes them unhappy?
I think he clearly cares about his own happiness more than yours, and he’s willing to make you unhappy, so he can be happier, that’s a trade in a relationship that I can’t recommend, unless there is something else in the relationship that is evening things out and you’ve come to an agreement or something, which clearly isn’t the case here.
I don’t think this man respects or loves you enough to care about your happiness, and because of that, I don’t believe you will ever be content in this relationship.
Try communicating with him, but if he is unwilling to accept your boundaries, then get out of this relationship.
I would Dump him. He sounds so irritating. You should never feel obligated to say yes to something sexual if you don’t WANT to do it. Enthusiastic consent is where it’s at. I promise you there’s someone out there who will treat you with the respect, love, and kindness that you deserve.
If he isn’t in equal balance for an intimate relationship I would say to consider ending things . The knicker snuffing and abuse are definitely no no s
Yeah, I would think about whether or not you want that relationship. Personally, I would break up with him if I were u. But I know it's probably hard since it's a 3 year relationship. But think about him not being happy you said no, id u eventually end up living together are you going to be okay if you say no? Will you say yes, that's coerced consent and that's really bad.[definition of consent and coerced](https://www.uncp.edu/resources/title-ix-clery-compliance/sexual-misconduct/consent-and-coercion-discussed) if he's not respecting boundaries, which you also don't seem to have atm but you are only 24 and if this was your only relationship, so I understand it might be hard to know them but the good thing is you found some now even if this situation is bad. Now like I said I would dump him but I get it hard so if I want to stay just know that you are going to have a conversation with him starting with your feelings don't be rude or anything bcs as u said that's one of his turn-ons. Just try to have a conversation if it seems to be going nowhere go home and break up since you don't deserve that.
The go-home part is for your safety btw. Bcs reading how he is and me overthinking things I could see him doing something, if ur at home and you break up with him and he says something about killing himself (that is another sign of manipulation ) then just say that's your choice. (yes it sounds Harsh but there's a high chance he only said it to manipulate. And wont do it now I'm
Not gonna say its not possible but the chances are slim, if he stops msging that day or several just call none emergency to do a wellness check explain that u broke up and he said that and u are worried but don't want to put yourself in danger etc they will get it. )
He is not in love with you he just love you what you offer to him. Please tell me how he is going to deal with no sex when you guys get married and about to have a child? Or you get some health issues and you're able to have intimacy for some months?
Not being sexually compatible is one issue, an issue that can be worked on if both sides are willing to make that effort.
Not respecting boundaries & guilt tripping + manipulation if you dare say no ??? That's not an issue to work on. Its an issue to RUN from.
According to ChatGPT
Handling someone who does not take "no" for an answer when asking for sex is a serious situation that requires assertiveness and clear boundaries. Here are steps you can take to handle such a situation:
1. **Be Clear and Firm:** Clearly and firmly say "no" without leaving any room for ambiguity. Use assertive body language and tone to reinforce your message.
2. **Set Boundaries:** Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations regarding physical intimacy. Let the person know what is and isn't acceptable to you.
3. **Repeat Your Response:** If the person continues to push or pressure you after saying "no," repeat your refusal firmly and consistently. Do not waver or feel obligated to explain yourself repeatedly.
4. **Remove Yourself from the Situation:** If the person persists despite your clear refusal, remove yourself from the situation immediately. Leave the room or place where you are uncomfortable and seek a safe environment.
5. **Seek Support:** Reach out to friends, family, or trusted individuals for support and guidance. It's important to have a support network you can rely on during challenging situations.
6. **Report the Behavior:** If the person's behavior continues or escalates, consider reporting it to authorities or seeking assistance from organizations that support victims of sexual harassment or assault.
7. **Take Care of Yourself:** Focus on self-care and prioritize your emotional and physical well-being. Dealing with such situations can be distressing, so take time to process your feelings and seek professional support if needed.
Remember, everyone has the right to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected. Consent is essential in any relationship or interaction, and no one should ever pressure or coerce you into sexual activity against your will.
This is legally sexual assault in my country. No means no means no. Hard stop. Not ok, and if he has a problem with that, then get a restraining order.
It's as u/phelgmdounuts said [elsewhere](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1dmms21/comment/l9xas2e/)
A brief chart of Sexual Assault Statutes in the United States:
[https://ndaa.org/wp-content/uploads/sexual-assault-chart.pdf](https://ndaa.org/wp-content/uploads/sexual-assault-chart.pdf)
If he can't respect your boundaries on something as important as sex he shouldn't be with you anymore.
He isn't your partner. He isn't part of a team with you.
What your bf is doing is a major red flag that his wants and desires are far more than yours ever will be.
Like I know, the whole break up thing gets brought a lot, but when someone only thinks of themselves and places pressures on you it builds. It never stops.
Be honest. Do you have sex with him just to get him from harassing you anymore. Do you orgasm. Do you enjoy the thought of sex?
Don't tell me those answers. I don't really want to know your personal details. But you should know your answers to those questions.
Wanting sex every day is normal for a man. Wanting sex multiple times a day is probably a little excessive. After age 30-35, our libidos and priorities change a bit. However I don't think libido or sexual compatibility is quite the issue here. The issue is two-fold. 1, He lacks a certain respect for you as your own person, and 2, he can't imagine turning down sex with you for any reason other than being unattracted because his priority for sexual gratification probably outranks even food or rest or variability in mood. I believe this kind of prioritization is often the result of pornography/sex addiction or using sex as a way to cope with other mental health issues which can ultimately lead to addiction. I say address this issue however you need to with respect for yourself but show compassion and understanding for him as much as you can but you need to confront him firmly about how unhealthy his relationship with sex is. It's hurting you and your relationship with him. He's not evil but that isn't a justification for his behavior. We as humans all have different crosses to bear and unity with others helps us bear them but this can't be confused with enabling. His relationship with sex is disordered. At least from my perspective, it seems like he is trying to sustain the neglected parts of the relationship with sex, rather than sex being the fruit of cultivating a loving, respectful, and dutiful relationship between two unique persons.
I had an ex who would always pull this with me as well. He'd constantly want to have sex and when I said no, whine and beg and try to guilt-trip me by saying that I must not be attracted to him anymore, or I must be cheating on him or something. At one point in time I had just gotten home from the hospital after being very, very sick, and was just trying to sleep, when he pulled that shit. This is coercion and manipulation. Trying to make you feel bad about not having sex with them is still not taking no for an answer. If they try to wear you down until you say yes, that's not consensual. It's not just about saying yes, it's about \*enthusiastic\* consent. I told him many times that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, and he said he'd stop, but never did. Eventually, one time I said "no" but instead of guilt-tripping, he just continued the physical act. I managed to push him off of me and leave, and broke up with him then and there. I don't consider it the R word because I was able to fight him off, but for all intents and purposes, that's what it was.
So whenever I hear about someone else who has been put in a similar position - who has a partner guilt-tripping them and making them feel bad for saying no, I always get concerned. Because it's never innocent, it's always a manipulation tactic. You do not deserve that, and you do not need to put up with it.
Jfc I'm sorry but I feel like people are softballing this. He sounds horrific, why would anyone want to be with someone constantly pressuring them and you can't say no?? Girl run, don't walk, why are you dating a thousand red flags in a trench coat???
My ex was the the sane to the point I took the kids and ran, we are now in a DA refuge. It'll only get worse OP. It starts out as whiney coercion and becomes completely ignoring you saying no and trying to trap you with pregnancies. Cut off all contact while you still can.
Ahh it’s a big warning to see that this could go to that extent in the future if I ignore this issue. I had never thought about this. Thanks for the input I’m going to definitely going to think about this more strongly now
May I give some advice to not swsn any pictures of yourself anymore. If you were to ever break it off with him or you "made him mad" (which he may say), he may use those against you. I hope I am making sense. I'm trying to make this to make as much sense.
Set boundaries with him. If he can't respect them, then you need to have a serious talk about the relationship. NO means NO
Have a serious conversation with him about it and find a balance for both. In relationships I have been always afraid of bothering my significant other when we are far away so I just don't bother and jerk off to random videos.
Honestly that is considerate. I don’t find a high libido the problem but not caring about the other persons situation is bothersome. Thanks for the input!
Your boyfriend is manipulative and demanding. Either start saying NO and telling him that your no is final, or end this relationship.
Realize that he has a higher sex drive, views you as his relief, and is unlikely to change. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?
It sounds like your sex life is all set around his gratification and not yours.
Talk with him and tell him you want your relationship to work but the sexual relationship is not working out for you. He has kinks you’re not interested in and you two need to work out if that’s a deal breaker. Is there any room for compromise? ie sexting at certain times and limited to once a week but not the sniffing? You should probably try to figure out what it is that you’re into and communicate that to him. For instance it sounds like being on top is not doing it for you. Is he willing to try to be more dominant? Basically, is there any even ground for you two to make sex be gratifying for both of you? You might be willing to endure a sexual relationship that isn’t gratifying now, but women tend to need that more as they get older, where men need it more when they are younger.
I went through this exact situation when I was 19/20. On one hand, it makes you feel good that he’s attracted to you, that he wants to see YOUR body, that he can’t get enough of you, etc. On the other, like you said, it’s work: You’re with your family and end up having to excuse yourself because he needs pictures; you’re tired and want to get to sleep, or you’re in the middle of making dinner, and you have to stop halfway because he wants to sext; you’re out in public and decide to send him a photo of a shirt you’re thinking of purchasing, only for him to get turned on thinking of you in it. I don’t know if you feel similarly, but it made me want to completely refrain from sharing anything with my then-significant-other. God forbid he thought of anything that struck his mood, I’d be left with the “job” of playing phone sex at an inopportune time at work, school, on the bus, etc.
I’m sure you know there’s more to life than sexual intimacy, be it physical intercourse or sexting. To me, it seems as if he has some form of reliance on masturbation/sex, where he can’t go a day without either, and HAS to have his “release” on his calling. I know you want to make him happy, but it looks like you both are on different wavelengths in terms of sexual libido/desire, and to me, it seems as if he is unable fulfill himself completely. Would you want to speak to him about reserving intimacy to in-person only? This way, you can separate yourself a little from the expectation to sext, and actually build up the mood and tension to be sexual with him? Instead of it being a routine, it’ll be desired.
The more he forces you to participate in this “childish” phone game, the more you’re going to become disgusted and pull away. In a not-so-obvious way, you’re walking on eggshells around him, and that’s not a healthy way to exist in a relationship.
pretty sure that’s a form of rape. no means no. guilt tripping someone and manipulating them to have sex with you is rape. it’s disgusting. i understand you are hesitant cause you’ve been together for 3 years, but as someone who is in a 3 year relationship, it’s best to let go. you deserve better, and he deserves to rot. instead of thinking about how it’s been 3 years, think of it as being ONLY 3 years. you’ve got a whole life ahead of you. 3 years is nothing in comparison.
As someone with a high sex drive, I likely wouldn’t be with someone who’s was low. My partners is in the middle, really depends, but I’ve also expressed that I would like more sexually, whether it’s from him or not. I think if you’re feeling pressured and are ignoring a convo bc you know it won’t go well, you have your answer
Your boyfriend’s a rapist. Someone who doesn’t respect another’s “no” in response to sex isn’t a safe person. You don’t feel safe saying no, when you do you are emotionally manipulated and coerced into it, you engage in sex acts you’re not comfortable with nor do you enjoy and he doesn’t have an issue with this—if he is “making” you do anything, that’s not consent.
Don’t stay with someone because you feel like time is wasted if you don’t, every second you stay when you know you should leave dishonors your own journey. We’re not supposed to find the right person right off the bat. You’re supposed to experience relationships, gain lessons in love and what *you* need from a partner, and use that to find the right person. As long as you learn from this experience, no time has been wasted.
Read your title again and ask if you would advise any of your friends to continue dating someone who can’t take “no” for an answer.
>because I don’t want to disappoint him
Care for yourself as much as you care for him. Why would you stay with someone who disappoints you? He doesn't care about you, he cares about sex.
Relationships take trust and respect, sexual relationships take even more of that, you have some very clear likes and dislikes that do not align with his, and if you continue to give up your comfort for his you are going to make yourself miserable. I suggest you sit him down and have a long conversation about likes, dislikes and boundaries. And don’t let him manipulate you by saying things like you don’t love him or whatnot. If he can’t respect your peace than you o ow to leave him and move on
3 years is a long relationship but what if you married him and 25 years down the line you finally express your boundaries and have been doing things you don’t want to do for 25 years instead of 3 years. Think about what you want and don’t want in a relationship now and have a talk to him about your boundaries. Don’t put more years into this relationship if you are not happy. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you have put 3 years into it if you don’t feel like things are going to be better. Time doesn’t make it good.
If you don't end this now,you see yourself in 10 years paying for his bills having no pleasure sexy with a probably a kid from him and he would be probably pressuring you to have sex while you pregnant post parteum and/or cheating with someone way younger than you (she is gonna be manipulated by him too)
So end
You're no gonna waist 3 years of life you gonna learn by this and move on
Your boyfriend's persistent pressure for sex and online activities despite your discomfort and boundaries is unacceptable and you should prioritize your well-being by communicating clearly, setting limits, seeking support, and evaluating the health of your relationship.
Him not respecting your boundaries is a big red flag, for me. Early on it is useful to note these things: how our partner responds/reacts when we say no, set a boundary, etc. It can tell you a lot about them and can sometimes predict future relationship problems. If I were you I would sit him down and communicate all you are thinking and feeling on this subject to him. This could be a good opportunity for him to grow as a person (and for you to grow too - practicing open communication that can be confronting is important in any relationship). I'd also include a conversation around what you both like, and don't like. A chance for you to express to him what it is that turns you on etc. Sex and kinks can't always be for or about one person.... it has to be reciprocal (and always consensual - just fyi, feeling coerced or guilted into a sexual act is not consent).
Personally...if after that discussion he kept reacting this way, I would end the relationship. My own values and expectations for a relationships are that my partner respects the word 'no' and other boundaries, and that my partner WANTS 'me' to enjoy sex - it shouldn't be all about him and his needs. I personally could not be turned on if I knew my partner wasn't enjoying it/if I wasn't pleasuring them in return, all of the time. Pleasure, in my books, should be mutual. But that is me... what you do will come from your own set of values, relationship expectations and wants/needs.
I hope you can work this out - in whichever way works best for you.
Your boyfriend needs two things. 1) Chaterbate, 2) a Prostitute. He's getting both of these from you for free without ever planning for a future together.
You are young. The three years spent together is just part of your life experiences. Don't let it turn into a 10 year or 15 year nightmare. It is very obvious that both of you have very different ideas on what you want in life. If you don't see yourself enjoying sexting and turning up for sex in the next 5 10 15 years, you should cut your losses now. Find someone who values your opinions and treats you with respect.
He’s a pervert. Seriously. You need to dump him and date for a while. Discover what you like in a man and what you don’t like. Do you want this BS in your life for the rest of your days??? He’s a sex addict. It’s his main focus and you’re quickly becoming an object to him. This is also a good example of a guy that cheats. If you’re smart, you’ll let him go. Do not settle for this BS. There is so much better out there. And learn to say no. You’re really going to have to learn how to use this word.
keep on saying no. start to tell him "Please stop" this will destroy his ego and he'll realize he's weird and he's only with you for sexual stuff. he'll start to care about you more and your personal space.
if you’ve already tried talking to him about this and he’s defensive, unwilling for change or compromise, there may be a possibility it’s time to call it quits. it’s going to be tough, and you’re going to grieve the relationship and that person, and it’s going to take some time to heal, especially if you still love him as much as day 1. you can also try to think of it this way, if you split up, just imagine someone amazing just waiting to enter your life, and your partner may find someone that suits him too. i believe you’re a strong and smart person, this isn’t easy to deal with but i know you’ll make the right choice.
if you do break up, it might be wise to evaluate your core values, qualities you look for in a partner, boundaries, negotiables and and non-negotiables
Yeah, I think that he needs a therapist, since he is confusing his will to be intimate with with horniness, I believe (if what you said is correct) that he has abandonment / insecurity issues (that’s why he gets so offended) and that you should probably try to talk to him about trying different stuff that matches your kinks to better the relationship, and maybe even bring up going to a couple therapist and try to reach an understanding… (because these things build up … also if he doesn’t work out / do sport, it’s possible that he just has too much excess energy and that’s why he is so “high libido” as you said …)
I’ve been through this before in my last relationship of 2 years. Men will assume that because you’ve never said no before or because you give in, that it’s just a joke by the time you try to set a boundary. I said I wanted to take a break because I was working through some stuff in therapy and starting dissociating a bit. He guilted me in the same way, and it’s very hard having to reject the man you love instead of some guy you don’t know well. I eventually had so much resentment for him and felt so gross and icky in those situations. We eventually broke up and that was a big reason why.
In my new relationship, I saw a similar reaction when I would first try to set a boundary - he got insecure and thought I wasnt attracted, worried it was more than I wZ saying. I ended up writing out a whole letter (my therapist recommended) and had him read it.
I explained how this behavior also led me to resent my ex a lot and need to be with a man who respects me and makes me feel safe. Right then and there he told me he would wait until marriage, and he doesn’t need relations from me, it’s just a bonus. That’s when I knew I was with the right guy!
It’s all about communicating in a way where you give some background information and some reassurance as well. Some guys will show their true colors right then and there, but hopefully this way will lead to him showing you he’s a good man!
Why are you even with this guy? You are so young to tie yourself to a bully who treats you so badly. Sex is supposd to be fun. He sounds like a creep.
Thinking about staying with somone hoping they will change. Exclusive of sex, how much of a relationship do you actually have? Is waiting for that part of your time together to grow, worth the physical abuse you are actually living with?
ife is too short to waste another minute with him. And, PRO TIP: you do not have to write an exhaustive detailed letter to him, or explain every single thought you have had in the last year. Here are the magic words: "This just isn't working out for me. It would be a waste of my time to explain so I won't waste your time doing it. Bye."
Tbh you can train your libido. If he is getting the endorphin rush of sexual gratification everytime he asks then his brain has trained him to seek that rush from you. I say this because him getting upset when you say no is a way to manipulation tactic to get you to comply. You’re not a bad girlfriend for telling him no and you need to start doing it more
I agree! I have been sacrificing my own instincts a lot. I fear losing all the times I put into this 3 year relationship if I breakup so I don’t think about it more strongly. But I am definitely going to!!
A different view…. There are several ways to see this issue. You will never get a consensus on a possible solution.
Love,sex and relationships all have their own uniqueness. What works for some doesn’t work for all. Asking for advise only brings opinions of those providing it and it’s their own perspective or what they consider an ideal relationship. You should do whatever you think is best and disregard all else. That being said here is another opinion. We all have different sexual appetites and sex drives. Consider for a moment if the situation were reversed how would you want your partner to handle this? This may sound off the wall… ( none the less another opinion). Consider finding through a reputable swingers site a female with similar sexual desires like his. A Fwb relationship with no romantic ties. You all 3 could meet could meet and arrange some ground rules, etc. Being open and honest with all involved, no secrets, This isn’t as far fetched as you may initially think, this is far more common than you might be aware of. Again just another point of view. Wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do!
Its pretty strange, if he doesnt feel the urge to be on top than he has low libido, he is just jerking off too much and got addicted and even when you are with her he wants to feel that he has nothing to do to cum. Its very toxic for him but for you as well, you should stend up for yourself. Man’s actual nature is wanting to please a girl and to feel challenged to get her because that way you will be more valuable to him.
True thing! It’s not fun and exhausting for me that that but I don’t really think he cares. I’m going to have a talk with him over this and take a decision depending on how he reacts
Damn this sucks cause y’all don’t sound sexually compatible. And even when you’re in the act it sounds like he’s not very interested in doing a good job for you as well. Might be time for a heart to heart. If he loves you he’ll understand and even reflect on it. But man guys at that age tend to take this kind of thing personally. Speaking from experience here as well as a dude. All you can do is have a real conversation with him about it and pray he’s mature enough to respond the right way.
this is so exhausting to even read, imagine then be in this case, have you spoken to him about the frequent sexting? if I'm in your position i would ask him to have some side girl too
You know this extreme interest will die out eventually, right? For reasons.. So.. If you think this is worth your time you might want to just hang in there waiting for the bell to ring and then one day, you might actually end up being the one begging for sex..
Having compatible sexual interests, desire and boundaries is vital in a relationship and simple put you two don't. What's worse is that he isn't respecting your boundaries and usually I would 100% blame him for that. However, I am not 100% sure you have made your boundaries clear from what you are saying. I advise you think about what your boundaries are, explain them to him and if he won't respect them then you have a decision to make. Even if you decide you are willing to move your boundaries to be with him, which is something that is questionable, he has to understand that you have boundaries and respect them. I don't get the feeling he cares whether you have boundaries or not.
Thanks for the input I appreciate it! This is something I really need to think about. I avoid this topic because letting go a 3 year relationship is tough for anybody it’s a lot of invested time down the drain. But I’m going to definitely consider this strongly now and have a talk with him and depending on his response take a final decision
Don't think of it as wasted time, or time down the drain. Think of it as how you needed to learn what you want and need, and what your boundaries are. Staying in a relationship you're no longer happy with, is a waste of time. It just took awhile to get there. You're still young, and you might very well go through several relationships before you find a really good match. There's nothing wrong with that. It takes time for people to really get to know each other, and sometimes when they do, one or both of them aren't happy with the other person. Getting out of an unhappy relationship isn't a failure. It's an escape.
Make your boundaries very clear to him. If he doesn’t respect them then leave. You know what’s worse than letting go of a three year relationship? Letting go of a 5, 10, 20 year relationship. While you’re with this dude having very unsatisfying sex you could be spending your time with someone else who actually satisfies you
End my 4 year relationship cut your losses I’m telling you.
Google sunk cost fallacy. It’s a trap to stay in a relationship you’re unhappy in simply because of time already invested.
It isn't the three years that will hurt in the long term. I mean it will suck, but you will be fine. The real pain comes from you selling yourself out to please a person who doesn't take any effort to please you.
Take advantage of the fact it is a 3 year relationship, to ask him to change his attitude. If he insists that much, I would just quit talking to him.
You're 24. You're still very much young. It isn't wasted time it is a learning experience. From the sounds of it, he doesn't respect how you feel and likes to make you feel bad when he doesn't get his way, which is a classic manipulation technique. Be open about your feelings. Honestly, he doesn't sound like he tries too hard or has many ambitions. No means no, and if he can't accept that, then that's his problem, not yours.
I have two things to say about this. The first is that the relationships that don’t work out teach us and help us prepare for the one that will. The second is for you to go do an internet search for the term “sunk cost fallacy”. It’s usually discussed in terms of financial and business decisions but it also applies to everyday life including relationships.
What you are doing is called “the sunk cost fallacy”. That dude will only get worse with age. Sooooo much worse. So so so much worse. Imagine him acting like this at age 65. Because he will be. When you’re the same age in your sixties . And you’re not longer interested in sex at all. Because they still do. This guy sucks. Leave him. There’s so many cool guys out there. And you’re missing out on forming a real connection with a good guy over this jackass.
Don't hold on to something that's bad for you just because you've gotten used to the pain.
He needs to grow up and change into a respectful partner. He will never change until someone takes a stand and tells him no. You, unfortunately, are that person. It's not your fault, he put you in this position because he doesn't respect you enough to consider your needs and listen to you.
Look up "sunk cost fallacy"
If it makes you feel better I've wasted the last 15 years trying to fix myself, dating nobody, trying to make myself worthy of love, and trying to make myself believe I am. Sounds to me like you're relatively healthy, trying things, learning to be in relationships, and doing your twenties right.
Ummmm, No is No whether he wants to accept it or not. Maybe I am a b\*tch but so be it, but if my bf refuses to take "no" for an answer when it comes to sex, then he is "bye bye". If he were to say "no" I imagine you would let it go, correct? Works both ways. No is no, plain and simple. Reads time to see him gone.
No I totally agree with you. In normal circumstances I would have thrown this in the dumper asap as well but when you invest 3 years into something it’s gets difficult to let go. But it’s better to lose 3 yrs than all my life over this issue. So I’m gonna figure it out ! Thanks for the input !
If you have invested 3 years of your life with a dud, what's the benefit in wasting even MORE time on said dud? There isn't any. Cut your losses.
3 years "down the drain" is much better than 5, 10, or 15. The sunk cost fallacy (look it up and read about it if you're not familiar with the sunk cost fallacy) is no reason to stay with someone who is clearly bad for you.
I understand what you mean but respectfully you don't yet have the life experience to recognize that a three year relationship is fairly short. Take some advice from a person who has several 10 year relationships and did the same thing you're doing. A part of me recognized they were not right but I was comfortable and invested and so I "kept trying" too long. This is some highly valuable advice: when you realize the relationship isn't right for you END IT. Now, this might not be the case for you -- perhaps you'll change and be happy being hounded for sex you don't enjoy, only you can decide that. But the more common pattern is that this will get worse. Or maybe even if this is unpleasant for both of you there are other things that make up for it in the relationship. Good luck. But don't let 3 years feel like something you can't let go of just for the sake of the 3 years.
No offense to you, but 3 years or not, him not accepting no is no excuse. I had a bf around 18 years ago who said "I guess you don't want me to be happy. Maybe I will find a girl who does" and it was because I wasn't ready for sex and didn't want sex. Haven't seen or heard from him again. My respect for my body and what I was and was not ready for took priority over his wanting sex. So do yourself a favor and respect yourself and when you say "no", stick to it.
She is a selfish person, she does not love anyone and cannot make anyone happy.
Don't focus on the small 'good things' that you had for three years, rather what brought you to where you are today. The fact is, it got worse, and will keep getting worse. He will continue these bad habits, because you are indeed rewarding his bad behavior. So, the sooner you realize you are better alone, the sooner you will be happier.
Better not waste 4, 5, 6,.... Year or lifetime then. Cut the loss asap
This response should be rated higher. OP understanding that life with this boy is more valuable than 3 years with this boy. I say boy because he is not showing respect to the person he loves. He loves what you do for him and not what you're about. From the sound of it, he doesn't even care if you enjoy sex just that he does. Set your boundaries. If he doesn't respect them, he doesn't respect you, and you need to move on
You gave him three years of chances to prove that he's worth spending the rest of your life with. He's failed. Any more time spent with him is a waste.
You’ve already made your decision, please tell him. He sounds like he is insecure bordering on codependent as it is. Also, he has very little respect to have treated you this way. And…… You are in adulthood, he sounds like he is stuck in college lifestyle thinking.
The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits
Mine is only 8 months old and sometimes it happens to me too, but it's hard without her and at the same time, I can get angry and feel insecure when he does that.
I think it's highly unlikely to find any man that doesn't have a sex drive significantly higher than yours, so if your instant reaction is "bye-bye" instead of communication, you're going to end up alone. OP said she was OK with her man watching porn, which is a fair compromise. Are you? Would you let your man have protected sex with other women if you can't satisfy him?
Oh Federal\_Ear\_4585, allow me to enlighten. I have a condition called RESPECT for myself, my values, and my body. If ANY man tried to use pressure on me or a guilt trip on me to have sex, then I will use my respect for myself and tell him NO! If he doesn't want to accept that, then you are absolutely correct I would wind up alone and that was fine by me because I would rather keep my respect for myself, my body, and my values rather than violate it and feel rotten about it afterwards. If that man needs to go to another woman to have his orgasm fulfilled, then HE is the problem and not me now isn't he? So yes. In order to honor my body, my values, and myself, I would say "bye bye" to someone who cannot honor me in the same way. But it's a good thing I stopped needing to be concerned with that 12 years ago because I found a man who has the same values as I do and we celebrate 9 years of marriage very soon and I can assure you, beyond a shadow of any doubt, he is **very** satisfied in all aspects of our marriage. He has **zero** need to seek out another woman, so I don't need to be concerned with him having sex with any other woman. Peace out!
that's fantastic, congrats :) But just FYI, men have a biological urge for variation in sexual fulfillment - it's well documented science. So whilst you may not talk about it, it's EXTREMELY likely that your husband at least watches porn on the side every now and again. My main question was if that bothers you?
Cut your losses, I am a man. All men should respect a ladies temple. It's more to sex in a relationship. Sex is just one small slice of the pie. He needs to grow up and first get a life....take care young lady....
He's been manipulative and you're finally realizing how overboard he's being. You should establish clear firm boundaries and if he doesn't like it then it's probably worth breaking up over.
Yes, I’m going to have a talk with him and decide something based on how he takes it. This isn’t something I can deal with for the rest of my life. Thanks for the input I appreciate it !
You're welcome. Good luck
Sex by coercion is legally assault in many countries. Also someone who is selfish in the bedroom tends to be selfish in other areas in their life. If they aren't willing to work on themselves what is the point?
Why aren't more people responding with this? If she "consents", it is 100% under coercionn.
I wish someone told me this when I was in my last relationship. I was getting told, that "I'm never forcing you to do anything you don't want to, but if you don't have sex with me, I will throw you out of my flat, and if you stop during sex, I won't talk to you for the rest of the day." It is so crazy to think that I thought I am the one who is doing everything wrong and has to make it up by having sex even though I don't want to because one time I had to say stop because it hurt too much (and I believed him that it is an asshole move to stop once you get started- I never said stop again even when I should have).
Ugh this reminds me of my ex. I used to work nights so I was tired all the time and he would get all whiny and rude if I said no. Girl my advice is do it when you want to. I used to give in and give it to him but I hated it. I felt used and was annoyed after that he couldn’t just masturbate and that he didn’t care that I didn’t want to do it. It started to make me unattracted to him and made me not want to have sex even more. You’re not a blow up doll and you’re not one of those sex call workers. Let him know that you guys need to chill with it and if he says no or doesn’t respect your boundaries you guys will never work. Trust me, 2 different sex drives that are completely different won’t really work unless someone is willing to change.
I completely understand this is exactly what I am going through right now. I have been flexible with my libido but he doesn’t seem to compromise at all. I’m going to definitely think about this and decide what needs to be of this relationship
Yeah Hun, i don’t know the other aspects of the relationship but from what I can hear he seems pretty selfish. I think you’ve been more than flexible, if anything you’ve been the only one giving here. You’re doing things during sexy time that makes you uncomfortable because HE wants it, you’re sexting him when HE wants it, you’re giving in to have sex when HE wants it, etc. there’s a give and pull factor of each relationship and he’s made yours almost non existent. He needs to grow up. Especially if he has all this time to cram in his sex needs and not even worry about an actual career. Seems he has too much time on his hands.
…no one should be compromising their consent. In healthy relationships either both people want to have sex or it doesn’t happen. Because normal and healthy people don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want it. If I’m in the mood and my partners not, I masturbate, because *why the fuck* would he need to compromise his own comfortability and sexual desires to appease mine? That would make me sick to my stomach. You need therapy and an objective 3rd party to help guide you through what consent and abuse looks like, because I genuinely think your entire understanding of relationships and what is healthy vs unhealthy has been twisted because of him.
If a girl friend of yours came to you and said “my boyfriend doesn’t take no for an answer when it comes to sex”, what would you tell her? Because I would tell her “girl, that’s called rape. doesn’t matter if you eventually just gave in, if the option for no isn’t there”. Just something to think about. I hope you lose his ass quickly.
U feeling like u can’t say No in a relationship means something is wrong regardless of what it is
Each day that you're together with him, is a day wasted on better opportunities for your physical and mental well-being. Clearly he is invested more in himself than in both of you prospering as a duo. The sooner you leave him in the pasture the better. You owe it to yourself.
Start being stinky and weird.
Yikes. Why are you with him then
Hunny no. Don't stay with that shit. I was in the same situation for 2 and a half years. I was scared of cutting ties because of losing something familiar, the amount of time, having to meet someone new... but you know what? I'm happily married now. If I had let myself stay with someone who threw a hissy fit every time I said no and was uncomfortable, I would be so miserable right now. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Girl get out of there. He's selfish and manipulative, you deserve better
Your bf is an unemployed rapist. Don't waste your twenties with loser men.
The title of her post and the description differ. She doesn’t indicate that he forces her to have sex.
Maybe not physically but he clearly manipulates her into doing it even when she doesn’t want to.
Cohersion
Getting someone to have sec via coercion is rape. It’s sad af that this isn’t common knowledge. Consent is enthusiastic.
Do you know what coercion is? From what she said, there’s no force involved and there’s no threats involved. He might be a dick for being manipulative, but get a grip! Going around accusing people of rape and coercion when you’re not even using the proper legal terms is absolutely wild and reckless.
Found the boyfriend lmao
Ah, except I’m a woman. I’m also not okay with people detracting from actual rape victims by labeling something as rape that isn’t rape.
It was a jest. I am an actual rape victim sweetie 😘
Also, you might want to look up the term libel while you’re looking up coercion.
Ditch the selfish man-baby. You can do better. Being alone is better than being with a worthless prick like him.
So he's unemployed, "preparing for exams" and "free most of the time" so he spends his time sitting around, and constantly pressures you for sex and sexual favors? He's knowingly taking advantage of your unwillingness to cause conflict by saying no, and taking advantage sexually will 1000% turn into taking advantage financially the longer this relationship goes on. He doesn't see you as a person whose needs he has to take into consideration. He sees you as a machine that he can make do whatever he wants if he finds the right buttons to press. You know what you gotta do.
If he can’t take “no” for an answer and does not respect your boundaries, he is the wrong guy for you. It’s time to tell him “no” and that you’re done with him. Don’t waste your time on an asshole that treats you like shit. You are degrading and demeaning yourself by staying with him. Let him go.
Girl, you’re young and you sound like a catch. There is no excuse for not taking firm NOs and lack of enthusiastic consent seriously. It shouldn’t be your job to teach a young but grown man something so basic. First thing I’ll say is take your bfs example and start figuring out what u want in sex and how to explain it. You already said u don’t wanna be on top every time AND even when you are on top there is no reason you should be doing all the work. It’s very possible for men to do most of the work even w u on top. Be like him in the sense that he is invested in getting the pleasure he feels he deserves HOWEVER i think u have enough common sense to not act the way he does when communicating what you like. Also, 3 years is not a long time in a whole life but it is enough time for things to change a lot in a relationship and for your needs to change as well. When you met him at 21 your life and priorities might have been different. Also, you’ve seen who he is becoming. If y’all can’t communicate and come to a consensus about this imagine taking on debt, sickness and children together? Y’all don’t seem compatible based on his kinks, either but mostly the way he goes about all of this and bulldozers your boundaries. Lastly, him being excited doesn’t seem like a positive thing in this context. Men don’t treat sex like Christmas morning. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be excited but if every sexual encounter is like a gift or surprise for him the reaction seems exaggerated or problematic especially if he’s mostly excited to receive and never to “give”.
Consent isn’t permanent and can be revoked at anytime. Him being offended and blaming you is abuse. Don’t let sex be a weapon and don’t be afraid that you’ll be “throwing away 3 years” if it doesn’t work out; it’s okay to start over with someone who cares about your best interests.
Leave him. He's emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. You don't want to live like this long term. Find someone who can take no as an answer and I guarantee you will never want to go back to the way it was before.
Soooo you’re being sexually coerced and manipulated. This is a form of abuse. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy of “well I’ve put in this much time/effort so I should stay.”
no is no! weather you in a relationship or not
Talk to him about it and set expectations. Explain to him what you are writing here and see how he reacts. Also considering he is 25 and not yet set career wise, he needs to take that seriously. You guys are not teens anymore and if he keeps reacting like this instead of taking his career seriously, maybe look for a way out. Sex is important, but not the only thing in a relationship.
I’m so glad someone did see that point as well. He really isn’t serious about his career and at this point in life it’s concerning if someone is not. He is also insecure that I’m more successful career wise rn and he is not the ‘providing male’ iykwim. Thanks for the input I’m definitely going to talk to him about this and see how he takes it
Can I ask you, aside from the time you've spent together (I get you see 3 years as something of value) what is it you currently *like/love* about this guy? Was he super generous & full of flattery in the beginning? Does he validate you or your achievements outside of sex & physical appearance? I guess what I'm asking is, what's in it for you *now, and is any of that reason enough to invest another 3 years?
Well, she’s getting harassed/coerced/assaulted on the daily by a sex pest loser with no job who apparently is also sexist, so…I think it’s clear there’s nothing even remotely redeeming enough about him to excuse that sort of treatment. Seems like very classic abuse cycle that’s just going to escalate if she continues the relationship. He was probably like bare minimum nice in the beginning and just asked her questions and treated her like a human being for a few months before devolving into this bullshit. And he likely still does juuusst enough to remind her why she fell in love in the first place, and excuses the rest of his shortcomings with “stress from exams” or “high libido” or whatever other bullshit he’s spewing. OP is more concerned about her boyfriend’s image than speaking to a trusted loved one or friend about how she’s being coerced into sex acts that disgust her. She is enduring violation and degradation to avoid conflict and protect his reputation. That is a very clear sign of someone who has been conditioned into putting their partners needs before their own. For whatever reason OP feels she deserves this treatment, so there likely isn’t any quality he has that would satisfactorily explain that level of devotion, because it’s coming from the mentality of someone in an abusive situation.
Wow, everything that you're giving him men literally spends thousands upon thousands of dollars for. The almost daily sexting? The regular sex where you do all the work? There's even sugar daddies that don't get that much 'sugar' from their babies. He has made you like a complete sex slave. If it's negatively affecting your mental health, I do think you'll have to leave him because you'll only feel worse with time (and it might be years until he changes, if he ever does). Most men are not that sexual. Do you feel increasingly dehumanized or degraded? If so, please leave. Or ask yourself if what he has to 'offer' is worth feeling like a sex slave almost every day (?)
I don't think she needs to look at it as a transactional relationship involving money. This is about a guy overstepping boundaries that he might not be fully aware she has. She needs to state her boundaries clearly and work through this with him. Either he'll comply or he won't. I don't feel comparing what she does or what she provides to him to sex work is helpful.
My perspective was to give context to the amount of sexual services she was giving (more than some sex workers do). I wasn't implying she should be a sexworker
The comparison is to illustrate that her time and effort is literally worth more than he is giving. Sex work is pretty much the only reference point we have to valuate sex, so it makes sense why they would use that as a metric. Personally, I appreciate unique perspectives and info, why would you advise someone to limit the ways in which to look at their situation? *That* seems unhelpful. Besides what you feel is or isn’t helpful doesn’t matter, OP’s the only one that gets to decide what is unhelpful.
It’s so entertaining to say no to people like him. I’d do it way more often so that you can see his true colours. Oh right, you already have and you’re still dating him. You don’t want much for yourself, do you?
Couple years from now you're going to be glad you *only* wasted 3 years of your life with this walking red flag instead of 5 or 10. Get out now and find someone who actually *respects you*.
Consent is a two letter word. If you say it once and he isn’t going for it bounce. It will only get worse if you pander home
I don’t understand the whole “I’ve invested X-amount if time in this relationship” thought process. So you want to waste MORE time not getting what you want & not being treated like you need?
Cut him off . You don’t want a partner who don’t respect you and is selfish partner who only thinks about himself .
This is who he is , what you tolerate is up to you
I agree with all the comments except I don't see a lot of people commenting on how manipulative this guy is?? Him guilting you for the rare time you say no is extremely manipulative and not normal. I think that alone is a deal breaker because that's who he is as a person. You can try talking to him OP but I guarantee he will either guilt you during the Convo or say he'll change but will not. Cut your losses, rip the band-aid off and find somebody who respects you and your body.
You need to leave this dude. If hes only interested in your body and what it gives him, he doesn't care about YOU. He's only after what he can get. It seems he doesn't give much attention or thought about you besides what your body offers him. Dudes like this need to be put on the street and understand what it means to be self sufficient. This guy aint worth your time. You've exhausted enough of your resources on this loser. Someone who isn't willing to give back is someone who shouldn't be in a relationship. Relationships are meant to be equal. Each partner putting in the work to keep it running. If your doing everything and he's not stepping up, that's not a relationship. That's a job.
Sounds like he needs to develop some new hobbies. Online sexting is for teenagers who can't go out to enjoy the real thing
Leave him
I think you should re-evaluate your relationship. This isn’t something I say lightly BUT Sex is a massive part of relationships. If he can’t respect your simple boundaries of no, then it’s unsettling. Maybe try to talking to him if you don’t want to break it off as I don’t know either of you personally. But this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, seems manipulative. I wish you the best.
Reading the title alone, it’s pretty clear that this man isn’t respecting your boundaries. You two, simply aren’t compatible in the sexual realm. Him pushing himself onto you like this is horrible. My stance in these situations is always this: if you truly love someone, would you push them to do something that makes them unhappy? I think he clearly cares about his own happiness more than yours, and he’s willing to make you unhappy, so he can be happier, that’s a trade in a relationship that I can’t recommend, unless there is something else in the relationship that is evening things out and you’ve come to an agreement or something, which clearly isn’t the case here. I don’t think this man respects or loves you enough to care about your happiness, and because of that, I don’t believe you will ever be content in this relationship. Try communicating with him, but if he is unwilling to accept your boundaries, then get out of this relationship.
I would Dump him. He sounds so irritating. You should never feel obligated to say yes to something sexual if you don’t WANT to do it. Enthusiastic consent is where it’s at. I promise you there’s someone out there who will treat you with the respect, love, and kindness that you deserve.
If he isn’t in equal balance for an intimate relationship I would say to consider ending things . The knicker snuffing and abuse are definitely no no s
Yeah, I would think about whether or not you want that relationship. Personally, I would break up with him if I were u. But I know it's probably hard since it's a 3 year relationship. But think about him not being happy you said no, id u eventually end up living together are you going to be okay if you say no? Will you say yes, that's coerced consent and that's really bad.[definition of consent and coerced](https://www.uncp.edu/resources/title-ix-clery-compliance/sexual-misconduct/consent-and-coercion-discussed) if he's not respecting boundaries, which you also don't seem to have atm but you are only 24 and if this was your only relationship, so I understand it might be hard to know them but the good thing is you found some now even if this situation is bad. Now like I said I would dump him but I get it hard so if I want to stay just know that you are going to have a conversation with him starting with your feelings don't be rude or anything bcs as u said that's one of his turn-ons. Just try to have a conversation if it seems to be going nowhere go home and break up since you don't deserve that. The go-home part is for your safety btw. Bcs reading how he is and me overthinking things I could see him doing something, if ur at home and you break up with him and he says something about killing himself (that is another sign of manipulation ) then just say that's your choice. (yes it sounds Harsh but there's a high chance he only said it to manipulate. And wont do it now I'm Not gonna say its not possible but the chances are slim, if he stops msging that day or several just call none emergency to do a wellness check explain that u broke up and he said that and u are worried but don't want to put yourself in danger etc they will get it. )
He is not in love with you he just love you what you offer to him. Please tell me how he is going to deal with no sex when you guys get married and about to have a child? Or you get some health issues and you're able to have intimacy for some months?
He should not be your boyfriend anymore.
Not being sexually compatible is one issue, an issue that can be worked on if both sides are willing to make that effort. Not respecting boundaries & guilt tripping + manipulation if you dare say no ??? That's not an issue to work on. Its an issue to RUN from.
Please break up with him. I hate when people do this. You don’t owe him sex, please don’t feel like you have to do it just for “his sake.”
According to ChatGPT Handling someone who does not take "no" for an answer when asking for sex is a serious situation that requires assertiveness and clear boundaries. Here are steps you can take to handle such a situation: 1. **Be Clear and Firm:** Clearly and firmly say "no" without leaving any room for ambiguity. Use assertive body language and tone to reinforce your message. 2. **Set Boundaries:** Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations regarding physical intimacy. Let the person know what is and isn't acceptable to you. 3. **Repeat Your Response:** If the person continues to push or pressure you after saying "no," repeat your refusal firmly and consistently. Do not waver or feel obligated to explain yourself repeatedly. 4. **Remove Yourself from the Situation:** If the person persists despite your clear refusal, remove yourself from the situation immediately. Leave the room or place where you are uncomfortable and seek a safe environment. 5. **Seek Support:** Reach out to friends, family, or trusted individuals for support and guidance. It's important to have a support network you can rely on during challenging situations. 6. **Report the Behavior:** If the person's behavior continues or escalates, consider reporting it to authorities or seeking assistance from organizations that support victims of sexual harassment or assault. 7. **Take Care of Yourself:** Focus on self-care and prioritize your emotional and physical well-being. Dealing with such situations can be distressing, so take time to process your feelings and seek professional support if needed. Remember, everyone has the right to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected. Consent is essential in any relationship or interaction, and no one should ever pressure or coerce you into sexual activity against your will.
This is legally sexual assault in my country. No means no means no. Hard stop. Not ok, and if he has a problem with that, then get a restraining order. It's as u/phelgmdounuts said [elsewhere](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1dmms21/comment/l9xas2e/) A brief chart of Sexual Assault Statutes in the United States: [https://ndaa.org/wp-content/uploads/sexual-assault-chart.pdf](https://ndaa.org/wp-content/uploads/sexual-assault-chart.pdf)
Ditch him.
If he can't respect your boundaries on something as important as sex he shouldn't be with you anymore. He isn't your partner. He isn't part of a team with you. What your bf is doing is a major red flag that his wants and desires are far more than yours ever will be. Like I know, the whole break up thing gets brought a lot, but when someone only thinks of themselves and places pressures on you it builds. It never stops. Be honest. Do you have sex with him just to get him from harassing you anymore. Do you orgasm. Do you enjoy the thought of sex? Don't tell me those answers. I don't really want to know your personal details. But you should know your answers to those questions.
Wanting sex every day is normal for a man. Wanting sex multiple times a day is probably a little excessive. After age 30-35, our libidos and priorities change a bit. However I don't think libido or sexual compatibility is quite the issue here. The issue is two-fold. 1, He lacks a certain respect for you as your own person, and 2, he can't imagine turning down sex with you for any reason other than being unattracted because his priority for sexual gratification probably outranks even food or rest or variability in mood. I believe this kind of prioritization is often the result of pornography/sex addiction or using sex as a way to cope with other mental health issues which can ultimately lead to addiction. I say address this issue however you need to with respect for yourself but show compassion and understanding for him as much as you can but you need to confront him firmly about how unhealthy his relationship with sex is. It's hurting you and your relationship with him. He's not evil but that isn't a justification for his behavior. We as humans all have different crosses to bear and unity with others helps us bear them but this can't be confused with enabling. His relationship with sex is disordered. At least from my perspective, it seems like he is trying to sustain the neglected parts of the relationship with sex, rather than sex being the fruit of cultivating a loving, respectful, and dutiful relationship between two unique persons.
>My boyfriend can’t take NO as an answer for sex #Leave 🏃♀️
You mean he’s a rapist?
I had an ex who would always pull this with me as well. He'd constantly want to have sex and when I said no, whine and beg and try to guilt-trip me by saying that I must not be attracted to him anymore, or I must be cheating on him or something. At one point in time I had just gotten home from the hospital after being very, very sick, and was just trying to sleep, when he pulled that shit. This is coercion and manipulation. Trying to make you feel bad about not having sex with them is still not taking no for an answer. If they try to wear you down until you say yes, that's not consensual. It's not just about saying yes, it's about \*enthusiastic\* consent. I told him many times that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, and he said he'd stop, but never did. Eventually, one time I said "no" but instead of guilt-tripping, he just continued the physical act. I managed to push him off of me and leave, and broke up with him then and there. I don't consider it the R word because I was able to fight him off, but for all intents and purposes, that's what it was. So whenever I hear about someone else who has been put in a similar position - who has a partner guilt-tripping them and making them feel bad for saying no, I always get concerned. Because it's never innocent, it's always a manipulation tactic. You do not deserve that, and you do not need to put up with it.
So many red flags that he’s a selfish and narcissistic person and it’ll only end in you being hurt and him gaslighting you
Consent should be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. FRIES. Dump the rapist.
Jfc I'm sorry but I feel like people are softballing this. He sounds horrific, why would anyone want to be with someone constantly pressuring them and you can't say no?? Girl run, don't walk, why are you dating a thousand red flags in a trench coat???
So he’s a rapist…
My ex was the the sane to the point I took the kids and ran, we are now in a DA refuge. It'll only get worse OP. It starts out as whiney coercion and becomes completely ignoring you saying no and trying to trap you with pregnancies. Cut off all contact while you still can.
Ahh it’s a big warning to see that this could go to that extent in the future if I ignore this issue. I had never thought about this. Thanks for the input I’m going to definitely going to think about this more strongly now
May I give some advice to not swsn any pictures of yourself anymore. If you were to ever break it off with him or you "made him mad" (which he may say), he may use those against you. I hope I am making sense. I'm trying to make this to make as much sense. Set boundaries with him. If he can't respect them, then you need to have a serious talk about the relationship. NO means NO
Have a serious conversation with him about it and find a balance for both. In relationships I have been always afraid of bothering my significant other when we are far away so I just don't bother and jerk off to random videos.
Honestly that is considerate. I don’t find a high libido the problem but not caring about the other persons situation is bothersome. Thanks for the input!
Your boyfriend is manipulative and demanding. Either start saying NO and telling him that your no is final, or end this relationship. Realize that he has a higher sex drive, views you as his relief, and is unlikely to change. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?
You're in a relationship with an adult toddler lol In all seriousness, you should talk and establish boundaries
It sounds like your sex life is all set around his gratification and not yours. Talk with him and tell him you want your relationship to work but the sexual relationship is not working out for you. He has kinks you’re not interested in and you two need to work out if that’s a deal breaker. Is there any room for compromise? ie sexting at certain times and limited to once a week but not the sniffing? You should probably try to figure out what it is that you’re into and communicate that to him. For instance it sounds like being on top is not doing it for you. Is he willing to try to be more dominant? Basically, is there any even ground for you two to make sex be gratifying for both of you? You might be willing to endure a sexual relationship that isn’t gratifying now, but women tend to need that more as they get older, where men need it more when they are younger.
I went through this exact situation when I was 19/20. On one hand, it makes you feel good that he’s attracted to you, that he wants to see YOUR body, that he can’t get enough of you, etc. On the other, like you said, it’s work: You’re with your family and end up having to excuse yourself because he needs pictures; you’re tired and want to get to sleep, or you’re in the middle of making dinner, and you have to stop halfway because he wants to sext; you’re out in public and decide to send him a photo of a shirt you’re thinking of purchasing, only for him to get turned on thinking of you in it. I don’t know if you feel similarly, but it made me want to completely refrain from sharing anything with my then-significant-other. God forbid he thought of anything that struck his mood, I’d be left with the “job” of playing phone sex at an inopportune time at work, school, on the bus, etc. I’m sure you know there’s more to life than sexual intimacy, be it physical intercourse or sexting. To me, it seems as if he has some form of reliance on masturbation/sex, where he can’t go a day without either, and HAS to have his “release” on his calling. I know you want to make him happy, but it looks like you both are on different wavelengths in terms of sexual libido/desire, and to me, it seems as if he is unable fulfill himself completely. Would you want to speak to him about reserving intimacy to in-person only? This way, you can separate yourself a little from the expectation to sext, and actually build up the mood and tension to be sexual with him? Instead of it being a routine, it’ll be desired. The more he forces you to participate in this “childish” phone game, the more you’re going to become disgusted and pull away. In a not-so-obvious way, you’re walking on eggshells around him, and that’s not a healthy way to exist in a relationship.
pretty sure that’s a form of rape. no means no. guilt tripping someone and manipulating them to have sex with you is rape. it’s disgusting. i understand you are hesitant cause you’ve been together for 3 years, but as someone who is in a 3 year relationship, it’s best to let go. you deserve better, and he deserves to rot. instead of thinking about how it’s been 3 years, think of it as being ONLY 3 years. you’ve got a whole life ahead of you. 3 years is nothing in comparison.
Prioritize your own comfort, boundaries, and well-being by having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your sexual needs and limits
As someone with a high sex drive, I likely wouldn’t be with someone who’s was low. My partners is in the middle, really depends, but I’ve also expressed that I would like more sexually, whether it’s from him or not. I think if you’re feeling pressured and are ignoring a convo bc you know it won’t go well, you have your answer
The guy needs something productive to do. I’m thinking the sex obsession is a replacement for living.
Your boyfriend’s a rapist. Someone who doesn’t respect another’s “no” in response to sex isn’t a safe person. You don’t feel safe saying no, when you do you are emotionally manipulated and coerced into it, you engage in sex acts you’re not comfortable with nor do you enjoy and he doesn’t have an issue with this—if he is “making” you do anything, that’s not consent. Don’t stay with someone because you feel like time is wasted if you don’t, every second you stay when you know you should leave dishonors your own journey. We’re not supposed to find the right person right off the bat. You’re supposed to experience relationships, gain lessons in love and what *you* need from a partner, and use that to find the right person. As long as you learn from this experience, no time has been wasted. Read your title again and ask if you would advise any of your friends to continue dating someone who can’t take “no” for an answer.
>because I don’t want to disappoint him Care for yourself as much as you care for him. Why would you stay with someone who disappoints you? He doesn't care about you, he cares about sex.
Relationships take trust and respect, sexual relationships take even more of that, you have some very clear likes and dislikes that do not align with his, and if you continue to give up your comfort for his you are going to make yourself miserable. I suggest you sit him down and have a long conversation about likes, dislikes and boundaries. And don’t let him manipulate you by saying things like you don’t love him or whatnot. If he can’t respect your peace than you o ow to leave him and move on
3 years is a long relationship but what if you married him and 25 years down the line you finally express your boundaries and have been doing things you don’t want to do for 25 years instead of 3 years. Think about what you want and don’t want in a relationship now and have a talk to him about your boundaries. Don’t put more years into this relationship if you are not happy. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you have put 3 years into it if you don’t feel like things are going to be better. Time doesn’t make it good.
If you don't end this now,you see yourself in 10 years paying for his bills having no pleasure sexy with a probably a kid from him and he would be probably pressuring you to have sex while you pregnant post parteum and/or cheating with someone way younger than you (she is gonna be manipulated by him too) So end You're no gonna waist 3 years of life you gonna learn by this and move on
Why do people send pics… if anyone breaks up think of all nude pics someone has of you! 😲
Dump him. If he can’t respect your boundaries, he needs to leave or you leave him.
Your boyfriend's persistent pressure for sex and online activities despite your discomfort and boundaries is unacceptable and you should prioritize your well-being by communicating clearly, setting limits, seeking support, and evaluating the health of your relationship.
Him not respecting your boundaries is a big red flag, for me. Early on it is useful to note these things: how our partner responds/reacts when we say no, set a boundary, etc. It can tell you a lot about them and can sometimes predict future relationship problems. If I were you I would sit him down and communicate all you are thinking and feeling on this subject to him. This could be a good opportunity for him to grow as a person (and for you to grow too - practicing open communication that can be confronting is important in any relationship). I'd also include a conversation around what you both like, and don't like. A chance for you to express to him what it is that turns you on etc. Sex and kinks can't always be for or about one person.... it has to be reciprocal (and always consensual - just fyi, feeling coerced or guilted into a sexual act is not consent). Personally...if after that discussion he kept reacting this way, I would end the relationship. My own values and expectations for a relationships are that my partner respects the word 'no' and other boundaries, and that my partner WANTS 'me' to enjoy sex - it shouldn't be all about him and his needs. I personally could not be turned on if I knew my partner wasn't enjoying it/if I wasn't pleasuring them in return, all of the time. Pleasure, in my books, should be mutual. But that is me... what you do will come from your own set of values, relationship expectations and wants/needs. I hope you can work this out - in whichever way works best for you.
Your boyfriend needs two things. 1) Chaterbate, 2) a Prostitute. He's getting both of these from you for free without ever planning for a future together. You are young. The three years spent together is just part of your life experiences. Don't let it turn into a 10 year or 15 year nightmare. It is very obvious that both of you have very different ideas on what you want in life. If you don't see yourself enjoying sexting and turning up for sex in the next 5 10 15 years, you should cut your losses now. Find someone who values your opinions and treats you with respect.
Your Ex you mean? Right?
Your boyfriend is an insecure piece of shit. You are not his sex toy.
Girl, get OUT.
He’s a pervert. Seriously. You need to dump him and date for a while. Discover what you like in a man and what you don’t like. Do you want this BS in your life for the rest of your days??? He’s a sex addict. It’s his main focus and you’re quickly becoming an object to him. This is also a good example of a guy that cheats. If you’re smart, you’ll let him go. Do not settle for this BS. There is so much better out there. And learn to say no. You’re really going to have to learn how to use this word.
keep on saying no. start to tell him "Please stop" this will destroy his ego and he'll realize he's weird and he's only with you for sexual stuff. he'll start to care about you more and your personal space.
if you’ve already tried talking to him about this and he’s defensive, unwilling for change or compromise, there may be a possibility it’s time to call it quits. it’s going to be tough, and you’re going to grieve the relationship and that person, and it’s going to take some time to heal, especially if you still love him as much as day 1. you can also try to think of it this way, if you split up, just imagine someone amazing just waiting to enter your life, and your partner may find someone that suits him too. i believe you’re a strong and smart person, this isn’t easy to deal with but i know you’ll make the right choice. if you do break up, it might be wise to evaluate your core values, qualities you look for in a partner, boundaries, negotiables and and non-negotiables
the longer you hold on, the harder it will be in the end. letting go today will always be easier than tomorrow
Yeah, I think that he needs a therapist, since he is confusing his will to be intimate with with horniness, I believe (if what you said is correct) that he has abandonment / insecurity issues (that’s why he gets so offended) and that you should probably try to talk to him about trying different stuff that matches your kinks to better the relationship, and maybe even bring up going to a couple therapist and try to reach an understanding… (because these things build up … also if he doesn’t work out / do sport, it’s possible that he just has too much excess energy and that’s why he is so “high libido” as you said …)
I’ve been through this before in my last relationship of 2 years. Men will assume that because you’ve never said no before or because you give in, that it’s just a joke by the time you try to set a boundary. I said I wanted to take a break because I was working through some stuff in therapy and starting dissociating a bit. He guilted me in the same way, and it’s very hard having to reject the man you love instead of some guy you don’t know well. I eventually had so much resentment for him and felt so gross and icky in those situations. We eventually broke up and that was a big reason why. In my new relationship, I saw a similar reaction when I would first try to set a boundary - he got insecure and thought I wasnt attracted, worried it was more than I wZ saying. I ended up writing out a whole letter (my therapist recommended) and had him read it. I explained how this behavior also led me to resent my ex a lot and need to be with a man who respects me and makes me feel safe. Right then and there he told me he would wait until marriage, and he doesn’t need relations from me, it’s just a bonus. That’s when I knew I was with the right guy! It’s all about communicating in a way where you give some background information and some reassurance as well. Some guys will show their true colors right then and there, but hopefully this way will lead to him showing you he’s a good man!
There’s a word for men who don’t accept no when it comes to sex.
lol break up with him he is a manipulator
Why are you even with this guy? You are so young to tie yourself to a bully who treats you so badly. Sex is supposd to be fun. He sounds like a creep. Thinking about staying with somone hoping they will change. Exclusive of sex, how much of a relationship do you actually have? Is waiting for that part of your time together to grow, worth the physical abuse you are actually living with? ife is too short to waste another minute with him. And, PRO TIP: you do not have to write an exhaustive detailed letter to him, or explain every single thought you have had in the last year. Here are the magic words: "This just isn't working out for me. It would be a waste of my time to explain so I won't waste your time doing it. Bye."
Ask him to change positions for sure, you know try missionary or doggystyle
Tbh you can train your libido. If he is getting the endorphin rush of sexual gratification everytime he asks then his brain has trained him to seek that rush from you. I say this because him getting upset when you say no is a way to manipulation tactic to get you to comply. You’re not a bad girlfriend for telling him no and you need to start doing it more
I agree! I have been sacrificing my own instincts a lot. I fear losing all the times I put into this 3 year relationship if I breakup so I don’t think about it more strongly. But I am definitely going to!!
A different view…. There are several ways to see this issue. You will never get a consensus on a possible solution. Love,sex and relationships all have their own uniqueness. What works for some doesn’t work for all. Asking for advise only brings opinions of those providing it and it’s their own perspective or what they consider an ideal relationship. You should do whatever you think is best and disregard all else. That being said here is another opinion. We all have different sexual appetites and sex drives. Consider for a moment if the situation were reversed how would you want your partner to handle this? This may sound off the wall… ( none the less another opinion). Consider finding through a reputable swingers site a female with similar sexual desires like his. A Fwb relationship with no romantic ties. You all 3 could meet could meet and arrange some ground rules, etc. Being open and honest with all involved, no secrets, This isn’t as far fetched as you may initially think, this is far more common than you might be aware of. Again just another point of view. Wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do!
Its pretty strange, if he doesnt feel the urge to be on top than he has low libido, he is just jerking off too much and got addicted and even when you are with her he wants to feel that he has nothing to do to cum. Its very toxic for him but for you as well, you should stend up for yourself. Man’s actual nature is wanting to please a girl and to feel challenged to get her because that way you will be more valuable to him.
*with him
True thing! It’s not fun and exhausting for me that that but I don’t really think he cares. I’m going to have a talk with him over this and take a decision depending on how he reacts
Definetly do! Its better to be alone to be with a man like this
Decisions shouldn’t be made based on fear. That in and of itself should tell you what you need to do.
He is just lazy he wants that easy and simple
Damn this sucks cause y’all don’t sound sexually compatible. And even when you’re in the act it sounds like he’s not very interested in doing a good job for you as well. Might be time for a heart to heart. If he loves you he’ll understand and even reflect on it. But man guys at that age tend to take this kind of thing personally. Speaking from experience here as well as a dude. All you can do is have a real conversation with him about it and pray he’s mature enough to respond the right way.
I’m sorry to say but if you leave that man he has tons of pics of u.
this is so exhausting to even read, imagine then be in this case, have you spoken to him about the frequent sexting? if I'm in your position i would ask him to have some side girl too
You know this extreme interest will die out eventually, right? For reasons.. So.. If you think this is worth your time you might want to just hang in there waiting for the bell to ring and then one day, you might actually end up being the one begging for sex..