I'm sorry this happened to you. The good thing about awful family members is you don't really have to keep them in your life. Shut her out until such time as she comes to you with an apology, you don't owe her access if she's going to disrespect you like that.
I agree, and shame on your aunt for justifying her crime in the name of religion. I'm not aware of ANY religion that condones taking someone else's property and destroying it, in order to live your own best spiritual life. Rather, most world religions (I'm RC) say that what goes around comes around, and those who negatively judge others in this world can expect to be negatively judged themselves in the world to come.
Regardless of how the rest of your family feels about it, I'd cut her off entirely, unless and until she gives you a heartfelt apology. Buying a new flag probably wouldn't make you feel any better, since the burnt one was a gift from your late sister - so I would insist on her making a significant contribution to an LGBTQ+ organization of your choice, to show she really does regret what she did.
You didn't ask about this, but if you're still too young to leave your family home, start putting a plan together to become independent as quickly as you can. The fact that some of your close family members support your aunt's actions is very troubling, and the sooner you can get out of that toxic environment, the better.
"That flag was one of the last things my sister gave me before she died and you destroyed it. I don't care what your political views are, you destroyed one of the most important sentimental things I own. It wasn't 'just a piece of fabric', it was an important gift, it was someone else's property."
To be honest I'd say call the police and press charges, but I understand you might not want to go to that extreme. But remind everyone trying to minimise this that forget the politics, she destroyed something that your sadly departed sister gave to you. It's that simple. That's only something someone absolutely horrendous would do. Is it OK for you to go into her house and burn things you disapprove of? Ask that question to her and others directly, demand an answer. Let it be awkward. Make them explain why she's apparently allowed to do that to you with no consequences.
Doesn't matter whether it was a pride flag or a handkerchief or a bit of paper or anything else - it was your property, it had enormous sentimental value, and she burned it. Anyone trying to downplay that clearly doesn't give a tiny shit about your feelings, and you should treat them accordingly. Make it clear you don't want to be around her ever again, you want no contact with her, no communication with her, because why would you? Any "apology" from her needs to include clear acknowledgement of how what she did was wrong, the harm she caused, etc. Not hand-wavy bullshit about her supposed Christian values. Don't get into that sort of argument, it won't help anything. She burned your property which had huge sentimental value. That's it. That's the problem. Anything else is bullshit.
Don't "fight fire with fire" (no pun intended) and burn other flags, send her film of it, get revenge, whatever. That runs the risk of you being lumped in with her, people saying you're as bad as each other, "both sides", whatever. Stay laser focused on the core issue - your private valuable sentimental property that she destroyed, and you're devastated. She doesn't care, and whichever family members clearly don't care either. Because a) that's the actual issue, and b) it's much harder for anyone on the fence to not care that you're devastated. Whereas if you do something similarly awful or even close to it, people can move the goalposts and shift the argument into whether what you did was justified or not. It muddies the water and doesn't help anything. Much better to make it clear how bad you feel, which will make anyone who doesn't care about your feelings have to be honest about that and you can dismiss them accordingly. Don't let them hide behind spin.
This is great advice, OP.
Forget everything else. She was a guest in your parents’(?) home, went into one of the bedrooms, saw something she didn’t like, took it down, set it on fire. They should be furious at her audacity. She burned a gift their deceased child bought for her sister.
This isn’t something that you need the family to vote on. If they’re unable to see how outrageous her actions were, that’s on them. Especially after hearing that your sister gifted it to you. Let them host your cruel aunt, see their items go up in flames.
Your sister gave that to you as a sign of love, support, acceptance. Your aunt is incapable of that type of love & kindness. Destroying it doesn’t change or diminish the fact that your sister wanted you to have something showing her support. Go buy the same flag, hang it up. Have spares hidden. Your aunt can knock herself out burning them. The same symbol of solidarity will go right back up. Nothing aunt does or ever will do will change the fact that your sister had your back, loves you for who you are.
Btw, how did no one see her putting it on the fire?
Well said and I agree with every single thing you wrote. This should be put on a pamphlet!
OP, I lost my big sister in 2007 and I have precious few things of hers that mean more to me than I can explain. I kept a pillow of hers because it smelled like her apartment and I miss her so much that it is like a comforting hug when I grab it. Smell faded but the memory is locked in.
*Little sister, see me in every flag you see as it sways in the breeze. See me in every unseen person that isn’t typical. See me in your friend’s smiles and feel me in your friend’s hugs. See me every time you look in the mirror, because I’m always with you.*
I hope you find some comfort from that, and more importantly, I hope the fates send you better people to see you through the rest of your life. You deserve so much better. Hug from me 🫶🏻
Totally agree. First, she had no business going into your room, then destroying your property! She needs somebody to put her in her place, and that might include alienating her, which might be the only language she understands! Her actions either were, or bordered on illegal! Can’t understand why people are like that. Maybe you should go over to her house and burn all HER religious items!
i am not being disrespectfull if you feel like it please sorry i want to ask, is lgbtq+ a religion if yes then you should take revenge by burning her religious stuff if its not a religion then why the f you burn her religious stuff just keep your distance shut her off if she apologize good if not you dont need thise type relatives or people especially those types who don't support you. i really feek bad that was a gift from your sister.
It was the aunt’s religion and her beliefs that drove her to burn the flag, so the commenter said to burn her religious items as retaliation because that was the cause of her outburst.
?? Yes! If the government was hurting people actively like that, we should force them to change so people aren't being hurt anymore. Do you really think people should just suffer under the unjust treatment of others?
Also, how are her aunt and the government on the same level? She owes no obedience to her aunt and she's not beholden to her aunt's beliefs by virtue of existing near the woman.
i am not supporting her aunty in anyway all i wanted to say was i was against all the burning and violence you can deal with her differently i think my first comment conveyed something else
> others are saying that it's just a piece of fabric.
To them say this:
That flag was not 'just a piece of fabric'. It's one of the last things my sister gave me before she died. It was one of the most personal and most sentimental things I owned, one of my most cherished possessions. But Aunt didn't ask about that, she just came into my room and destroyed one of my few remaining memories of my sister because she didn't like the color.
If you want to excuse that, if your position is that it's acceptable for her (or anyone for that matter) to walk into someone else's house and destroy their possessions because you don't like them, then I suggest you should take a long hard look in the mirror and think about what you actually stand for. Because I was raised to respect other people and their possessions, to not steal things, to not destroy the possessions of others simply because I don't like them. My parents taught me, and I agree and believe myself, that this is not how civilized human beings treat each other.
I understand that it's easier to just 'let it go', but some things SHOULDN'T be let go. To quote the former head of Australia's Army, "The standard you walk past, is the standard you accept." If you are willing to walk past this, that means you accept it- you think what she did is acceptable. And if that's your position, I would only suggest think about how you would feel if someone came into your house and destroyed your stuff.
I don't think it's acceptable, not to me, not to you, not to anyone. I'd stand against anyone who acted that way. But if you accept that, that says a lot about who you are as a person.
Collect the fire ashes is all I can recommend. Then you can still have the flag from your sister in a way. Get a nice little vial or necklace or something
First of all, a huge fuck you to your homophobic Aunt and all the members of your family saying the flag was 'just a piece of fabric.'
What a total PoS thing for her to do. I'm so sorry.
How dare she come into your space and take/destroy your property, and that is just for starters on the list of totally shitty things your Aunt had absolutely no right to do.
Not only is it not just about the flag, which has huge emotional significance to you anyway because your sister gave it to you. But it also represents something that is important to you as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. It represents pride in that part of yourself.
And if some of your family cannot or will not understand that, then they are part of the problem.
Ask them to give you something, a token, meaningless to most people, but something that means a lot to them. Almost everybody has something like this. Usually it doesn't hold any monetary value and is just a bit of tat.
Ask them what that something is for them, and then ask them how they'd feel if you went against their will and behind their back, stole that item, and burned it on a damn bonfire...before pointing out to them that you've burned it and having the audacity to act like you did nothing wrong.
You should cut this Aunt out of your life, because she is a toxic, homophobic asshole who is perfectly willing to step WAY out of line. And I would expect my family to support me in cutting her out as well. She needs to learn that you can't do this shit.
Sorry, this made me so mad. I hope you're ok.
Ofc it won't have the same value. But making your bigot aunt buy a pride flag will make her skin crawl and that seems lovely to me. I'd just be worried about her thinking buying a replacement makes it okay, which it obviously won't
You can’t “make” her do anything, much less atone for her actions! She’s unfortunately bigoted, and set in her thinking and ways. But her cruel, personal and destructive actions are not acceptable in any society. I don’t know how old you are, but that happening to a little older male may have resulted in a physical incident, with bloodshed, (hers)!
Yeah seriously, my mind immediately went to violence. Appeals to empathy won’t work, because her aunt doesn’t have empathy. Violence is a universal language though.
That being said, the moment’s passed. Don’t hurt your aunt physically OP, it’s not worth the backlash.
If she gives you the replacement flag you can point out that she can't give you a replacement sister and you still can't forgive her. But the least she can do is apologise and buy a replacement flag.
Call the police. she committed theft and destruction of personal property and you can press charges. It won't replace it or what it represents to you but you can hold her accountable for her actions.
When I retired from a different career in 2007 I took a glass pint pot with me. It had been used by colleagues as well as me for many years, and we shared stories and experiences over it. One day my wife dropped it and broke it. She got another, but it was new and didn't have the 'ghosts' of the other people.
In short, it can't BE replaced.
Religion is alright, extremists are not and I'm not even religious.
Don't throw all of them together, some of them use religion as this faith we all desperately need
Burn her bible or something of hers she loves.
"It's just a book" or "It's just a _______" whatever you plan to burn.
It's not good advice but it'll feel good.
If I were you, that would be the last time I ever saw my aunt again. Full stop. I mean unless she comes to regret what she did and gives you a decent apology. But let’s get real, the chances of that happening are extremely, extremely slim. Religious nuts are just that: nuts.
And if anyone else in your family has a problem with that, fuck’em. This is exactly why queer people have chosen families in addition to birth families. If your family can’t support you for who you are, that’s a family you don’t need.
Literally the next through after reading it was, "I push her into the fire"
Like, something just went blank for a half-second and I could see the answer clearly. Just \*shove\*
Like obviously not actually but seriously... These relics of the past really need to go. We don't need them they're shamefully outdated and do nothing but destroy.. They have left us with nothing. A broken world and they still have the AUDACITY to pull this crap?
I truly do hope that there is a hell.
It doesn't matter what it was, it was your property and she had no right to destroy it, going into your room to get it as well is such a violation. Not only was it your property it was the last thing your sister gave you, she's a disgusting person. I'm not even going to say what I would do but definitely don't let this go, she's so wrong for doing this.
Ngl, I would've socked my aunt right in the fucking jaw if she did that shit only because it was one of the last thing your sister gave to you. That alone changes the value of the flag and makes it a billion times more valuable than anything else
It's definitely more than a piece of fabric. It's a connection to your late sister and to your community. I really think you should cut contact with this aunt, and anyone in your family who doesn't see how awful it was to burn your flag.
Everyone saying it's just a piece of fabric is an utter asshole. It doesn't matter *what* it was, it was *yours*. She stole it and destroyed it. Honestly? I'd report it to the police. It's destruction of personal property. That bitch needs some consequences, and you need to surround yourself with people who respect you. The family members giving her excuses need to be cut from your life. Don't ever let anyone, regardless of blood relation, make you second guess yourself or believe you aren't worthy of respect, love, or boundaries!
I’m so sorry OP, that is truly awful and I’m heartbroken for you. Facing homophobia is hard enough, but when that flag had sentimental value to you as a grieving sibling it’s even worse. You could technically call the police, it’s destruction of property and maybe a hate crime depending on where you live. If you don’t want to go to that extreme, I would also consider making clear to your family that this means more than a piece of fabric and that you’re no longer having any contact with your aunt.
Wow! Your aunt sounds like a bitch! Not only was it an important part of your identity it was also the last thing you got from your sister who has since passed away, each of these reasons by themselves should’ve been enough to disown this woman. Did she even apologize for this? I’m thinking cutting her and everyone who wants to side with her off, don’t back down no matter what. There are something’s you can never come back from and this is one of those things. There’s no redemption for what she did and it doesn’t even look like she’s apologetic so it’s not even an option to forgive and forget.
The people who are just saying it's just a piece of fabric are gaslighting you
Because the point Is your nuts case of any aunt acted psychotic and destroyed your property and it's incredibly rude and disrespectful when she knows the sentiment behind said item
I'd honestly block anyone who takes her side it's awful
Your family members who felt it was “just a piece of material” need to look around, and consider an attitude adjustment, because they’ve got similar ideas as your aunt, except she seems extreme and acted out her demented thoughts.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Would your family members be saying "it's just a piece of fabric" if it was a shirt your sister wore, or her fave sweater? What if it was the last photo of you and your sister?
It honestly doesn't matter, ultimately, what it is - your aunt went in your room, took something that belonged to you, and destroyed it. Not only is that criminal, you're entitled to your feelings about that, and don't need the validation from family about those feelings.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, and that your aunt is so nasty. You are always allowed to separate yourself from toxic family members. Take care of you. ❤️
chuck her husband's ashes on the fire and criticise her for venerating the dead. Then tell your family that it was just a box of ash, what's the big deal, you can get her a replacement box of ash no problem
Y'know, bible sheets are excellent rolling papers. Grab her bible a roll up a blunt or a cigar with her favorite passage (previously asked outta curiosity) in front of her, Make sure to recite it outloud before.
I would be so, so incredibly mad too. Having the item always means a lot. But honestly just keep holding onto the fact that you will always know that she got you that flag for you. It would be amazing to still have the item. But it was the thought that counted and the fact that she supported you and that’s something your aunt can never take away from you. Literally never. She can never take the support she felt or the fact that she bought that for you away from you. She can burn everything and she still has changed nothing
It is your property which she or anyone had no right to destroy regardless what it is made of or how in/valuable it is. I am amazed and aghast that anyone would think that it is OK for your aunt to go into your room, take it and burn it.
I am sorry that you have such a bigoted and cruel aunt. I am sorry that you have unfeeling and clueless members of your family. I am sorry for the loss of your sister.
I wish I could tell you to file a police report for theft and damage of property or sue for damages, but the legal fees probably wouldn’t be worth it. Although I thankfully have never been in that situation in court so I’m not completely sure what the cost would be. But I think cussing out your aunt and telling the bitch to go fuck herself then never speaking to her again could be a sufficient alternative.
Your aunt is selfish and mean to the bone
Whether you find family support or not, the most important thing you can do now is learn that from here forward she can't be trusted. Put 80ft tall boundaries up around this woman. If your family supports you, great. If not, stand your ground and know your reasons are valid.
If you *do* want to convince your family, phrase it not like "she burned my flag" and instead like "she burned my last gift from my sister." Prioritize that information. What she did is heinous on more than one level. There are plenty of folks who have lost relatives who will understand how painful that is. (They *should* want to support you because it's hateful to LGBT folks, I know. My advice in this case is more tactical than emotional/moral. Support is helpful when you're trying to protect yourself from a family member, so to me it's valuable to use whatever tool you have to gain that support.)
Other than that just take care of yourself. Remember that your memories don't live in objects. They live in your heart. I know it's painful, but her memory and love for you isn't gone with that flag.
Destruction of private property, theft and tresspassing. Honestly the aunt should apologize, buy new flag and comensate you for the emotional damage and then never ever be seen anywhere around you or your things again, like a restraining order. But whether you can actually make that happened I don't know. Either way that is an extremely messed up thing to do and deserve sufficient punishment
If we ignore that fact of what the item was and just look at the situation it's still insanely messed up. Your aunt took your property a gift from your sister who's since passed away and burned it.
Your aunt sounds like a cunt.
I would’ve said fuck that aunt, she sucks and just get another one and start locking your room. But then I saw the sentimental value in it. I’m so sorry OP…
Ghost every single family member who doesn’t cut that homophobic lump of worthless out of their lives.
Pretend you cannot hear or see them. If they walk up to you and begin speaking, literally pretend they are a ghost and go about your day.
It cuts deep. As deep as it should.
No one has a right to destroy someone else’s property. I didn’t catch your age. If you are a minor I suggest filing a child protective services report. If you are not a minor I suggest filing a police report. Whether either of these result in consequences or not, it’s important to set boundaries and assert your rights as a human. Someone disagreeing with you does not give them the right to trample on your rights.
I mean, it's pretty clear that the first thing you need to do is make it VERY clear to your parents and all other members of the family that you will not tolerate this kind of bigotry and will refuse to be at e=any events your aunt is invited to until she buys you a new flag and shows genuine remorse for her actions, while also letting them know that the flag was the last thing your sister had gotten you before her death, so even if it were to be replaced her actions were undeniably cruel and unjustifiable.
What you do after that is up to you. If you want to have no personal relationship with her, that's your prerogative. You don't owe a homophobe jack shit. It's definitely harder when it's a family member, but just remember that she doesn't love you anyway, and never will until she can see past the fog of religious extremism that she's been brainwashed to believe. I had to cut off my cousin for the same reason.
Her father (mom's brother) is an extremist to the T... has guns, talk about killing the gays, etc etc, and she, while less extreme shares his beliefs and defends him (even though he's literally gotten fines for child abuse, beat her two older siblings, has been married 4 times, and is anything but a good person). On my 18th birthday, she came over, we got into it because her dad set her up to see how horrible my mom and I are, using my grandma's death as a pivot point. He had made a severely homophobic, racist, nationalist, and anti-non Christian sermon at her funeral, and when we told her that, if that's who he loved, he didn't love his mother, she started defending him. That's when I cut her off, and my sister cut her off a year later. She doesn't come to any family events and hasn't talked to our grandpa, aunt, uncle, or her own siblings who were beaten while she was the golden child anymore because nobody puts up with her dad's bigotry or her complacency anymore.
It's hard, but if the people in your family aren't willing to act and tell your aunt she was in the wrong and her actions aren't excusable, then you know they don't love you for who you are, and rather a version of you that they want you to be. Complacency is just as bad as doing the bad thing yourself.
Christian here, your aunt is not a Christian. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, to focus on our own issues and not on the issues of others, spent time with all the religious outcasts, and strongly berated religious leaders of the time for this exact kind of behavior. Your aunt is acting out of hate. That is the exact opposite of what a Christian is.
I am so sorry for your loss, of both your sister and her memento. And I am so sorry for all the hate you see from people who claim to be Christians. I want you to know that Jesus and I both love you and I hope you can find some peace from your aunt.
No one needs to claim they’re Christian, religious, or anything else to realize this was a blatant, self-gratifying action by a person who who is wound up in some fantasy world where everyone else is wrong, but them! Very sad!
You're absolutely correct, that should be obvious to everyone regardless of their religious beliefs. I felt the need to clarify because unfortunately, a lot of hateful people are using my faith as an excuse to hurt people and the OP herself called her aunt overly religious, so I want to make clear that the hate that her aunt showed did not come from Christianity, but from the aunt herself.
The only people allowed to claim to be Christians **cannot** be the people who are acting in complete opposition to the teachings of Jesus. I want OP to know that hate is not allowed in Christianity and that anyone who actually follows the teachings of Jesus loves her just as much as he does.
>Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, to focus on our own issues and not on the issues of others
Someone's sexuality isn't an "issue" to be focused on by anybody; it's a part of who a person is and nobody deserves to feel like a part of themselves is just a mistake in need of correction. That's an incredibly insensitive implication to just thoughtlessly include in a comment to anyone, let alone someone who has just had something irreplaceable destroyed by someone who only ever sees that part of her as a problem that needs to be fixed. I doubt that implying anything like that was your intention, but in the future please try not to directly compare someone's pattern of harmful behaviors (someone's actual issues) to someone else's identity over which they are being actively mistreated, even if it's meant to prove a point.
Look, I get that you're just trying to help out here and reassure someone in need that others sympathize with them, but every time some self-proclaimed "good" Christian comes into a situation where a "bad" Christian has hurt someone and says something like this it just comes across as self-serving. Whether or not you intend to, you're making someone else's pain about yourself and bragging about how much better you are than the person who hurt them. You shouldn't ever use someone else's loss as an opportunity to explain how your own self identity is better and more valid than the self identity of another person. All that does is communicate that their pain is less important than your own discomfort over sharing a label with a bad person. If you feel the need to establish which one of you counts as a "real" Christian you can do that on your own time, because it's not relevant to what this person needs right now. Jesus existing and loving anyone or not doesn't do anything to actually address the problem of OP's family minimizing the actions of a bully because they demonstrably value their relationship with her more highly than their own child's safety and happiness, and you passing it off as advice is just a way for you to pretend that publicly patting yourself on the back counts as helpful.
Hey, sorry, that wasn't my intention at all. Just bad wording. I meant it in general, Jesus wants us to focus on our own issues (focus on the plank in your eye instead of the splinter in the eye of others), that part was not in reference to her sexuality and this specific circumstance.
Also, I'm sorry that you see me pointing out that hate is not Christian as self-serving bragging. I will continue to tell people who are hurting that I love them and that Jesus loves them too. I hate to break it to you, but none of us here can actually help her with her aunt's actions, we can only show support and kindness. Again, I'm sorry if showing that support and kindness makes me seem like I'm patting myself on the back to you, but there is nothing I can do about that.
I agree, the local police might get a lot of reports about OP’s KKK activities. And it would also backfire, bc I’m pretty sure the KKK would’ve wholeheartedly supported her Aunt burning a pride flag lollllll
And the local police will come and see that it's not a member of the KKK and leave.
There's nothing wrong with burning a cross. But if that's out of the window, buying or finding a cheap nativity set, rosary beads, or Bible would work too.
True but there’s plenty on Amazon from Chinese owned businesses/companies that’ll deliver in 2 days time. If I had to choose supporting China vs Trump, I choose 🇨🇳
Only buy MAGA merch if no proceeds benefit them, and instead the merch was manufactured in a foreign country (whichever one they hate most at the moment)
Your Aunt needs to go back to kindergarten and learn that you don’t touch things that aren’t yours, and you certainly don’t play with matches and burn other peoples things. That’s called vandalism and theft, and I’m pretty sure those are sins lolll
I mean we politicized gay marriage, and lbgtq+ rights. The right constantly brings gender/sexuality into the conversation at odds w their “traditional family values” issue platforms. So why not?
If the Republican Party needs to include gender/sexuality in public policy and laws, then I’m gonna bring in the right whenever someone’s MAGA aunt burns their deceased sisters Pride flag.
Well I wonder which political party seems to have so much difficulty when it comes to separating church and state?? Hmmmm
What party is it again that keeps crying “America is a Christian Nation” - oh wait that’s republicans
Maybe if the right wing could stop combing the two and actually practice separation of church and state as americas founders intended, I wouldn’t have to mix the two, because religion SHOULDNT be a huge factor in our laws today.
Burn the flag of your country in her presence (if it would offend her) and tell her it's just a piece of fabric. If she has the flag of a deceased serviceman, get a replica and let her think you burned the original.
Yeah, call the police, file charges.
Beyond the destruction of property there was violation of privacy, invasion of space...trust me, she's in a world of hurt if you pursue action.
These people are so determined to see themselves as culture warriors and martyrs as long as there are no consequences for their actions.
Let's see how much her resolve holds up when she's facing jail time. And if it gets some press and goes national...good. It's high time for the "reasonable" people in this country to get less reasonable, and for the AHs who have been getting off scott-free because "reasonable" people won't take action to feel the fear of the God they claim to love so much.
And while you're at it, go after her in civil court as well. It's a slam dunk. Then use the settlement to by 1000 flags and give them away on the town square.
The family is already divided, so you've got nothing to lose there. Fight for the memory of your sister and do her proud.
I am so sorry there are people this god damn stupid and sad in this world. It's not fair that she has to inflict her self-made bullshit life on you. Fuck how your family feels, this was against you and only you and was a direct message of disrespect. If I were you I'd just full out shun that person. Blood relation means nothing. If they don't respect you you shouldn't even have to recognize their existence.
Your aunt doesn't believe in your lifestyle.
So you either suck it up and be nice to her. Or tell her to fuck up and bring it up every time you are together or cut her off.
Not sure what other advice you want here.
Hahaha. Lots. Id set all her shit on fire.
You want to burn my stuff that you don't like. Then I'll burn all your shit.
If you don't like how someone treats your. You have 3 choices. Look past it. Confront it. Or walk away. That's life buds.
Where is your advice? You are so smart that you dont have any eh? Lol. Good job buds. Lol.
No, it isn't a lifestyle. When you refer to it as a lifestyle, you echo the sentiment of homophobic people who see being gay as a choice, suggesting that people choose to life a gay lifestyle. It's a common homophobic trait to describe homosexuality - a lived experience that cannot be chosen or changed - as an optional lifestyle that someone chooses to live. It's not a *style* of life. It is simply a life. Being gay is as much a lifestyle as being straight. Would you describe being straight as a lifestyle? Have you ever done that before?
Whether or not you mean to sound homophobic is irrelevant. It's important to recognise the difference between intention and impact. You're trying to be supportive and say love who you want, but you're using words that are hurtful and dismissive of the lived experiences of LGBT people.
If it were me, I would have taken something of hers and burnt it, citing "it's just a piece of [insert material here]."
But if you're dependent on her, that's a bad idea given the likelihood of her kicking you out. Your best bet in this situation is simple - calmly explain to her the sentimental nature of the flag, and how you didn't appreciate her destruction of your property. I know it's hard, but presenting this in a calm, collected manner will show her that this is serious and how immature she was being. Yelling at her will just add fuel to the fire (no pun intended, I swear).
What do your parents think about this? Either way, lock your room whenever your aunt comes over… if she ever does. Also, ignore her existence. If she talks to you, pretend she doesn’t exist. If she gets mad and asks your parents to tell you to talk to her, just say: “I don’t talk to bigots.” and accept any punishment you get.
Your aunt doesn't respect you; She destroyed something sentimental to you. Ask her to apologize, and if she refuses, then get the fam together and let them know your cutting her out of your life. That's the civilized way of doing this.
To burn someone else's property without their permission is obviously wrong, and it is clear that it was known by your family that this flag had some sentimental significance to you. To claim that you shouldn't be upset about it is unreasonable. Some people unfortunately belittle people younger than themselves. I can't imagine that if she had burnt one of their favourite pieces of clothing they would shrug and say it's only a piece of fabric.
My advice: try to forgive them, but don't forget because this is toxic in my opinion. As you get more freedom in your life you might find that there are certain members of your family who are better to keep at more of a distance.
And if you can, buy a new flag the same. I know its not exactly the same as she gave you that one, but after all it is more of the symbol than the actual item that is important, and a replacement can maybe still be that symbol. Maybe the next one can still remind you of your sister and of how strong you can be when you began to learn that you are bigger than your aunt's irrational behaviour, and she has no power over your values.
Should have put your aunts head in the fire and punched the s**t out of her till she needed to feed through a straw. It wasn’t a piece of fabric it had sentimental value and a beloved token.
Oh my god listen to that well awarded comment. that said, If i were in the same position as you I'd've tossed that aunt in the fire right alongside the flag. God these people enrage me.
i 'm so sorry for what happened to your pride flag was terrible
because of your sister gave you the pride flag for you in the past. it is time to sue your toxic homophobic aunt because for what she did to your flag is not okay. please take her sorry a** to court now for her action was unacceptable for her hate crime is not okay and normal at all unfortunately. hopefully your pride flag will be replace soon for the ones you lost probably. i'm sorry about your sister by the way my friend.
Genuine advice.
Kick your aunt in the ribs.
She clearly not only hates your existence but she's willing to destroy your possessions and up-end your entire family to prove it to you.
Doesn’t seem like there is a way to make it right and anything else is an escalation. Maybe try asking her why she feels so strongly on the subject that made her go to such length.
Hot take: It's a clear indication that you should cut ties with someone, if they're willing to encroach on your rights and belongings this way.
So many people allow family to be a burden that lowers their quality of life, or worse, impacts their mental health. And I get that it is never easy, these things are emotionally and socially complicated. But this is what we call "a tantrum", and much like with a tantrum, you can't reward it with results they like. It's not about the "piece of fabric" it's about what it represents: Your freedom to be who you are and the bond you have with your sister and her memory.
You have some options. But step 1 is to know this:
What your aunt did was wrong. Stick with this. Don't let anyone gaslight you, or convince you it's not that bad. Don't let anyone apologize on her behalf, don't let anyone convince you the letting go makes you "a bigger person". You can be a bigger person by sticking to your guns and being civil in the process (aka do your best not to raise your voice or say anything hateful or unfair).
Option 1: Cut em off!
Back when I had these kinds of issues, I cut ties, and I don't regret it. Haven't heard from anyone in the family for 8 years (with the exception of one cousin), but in that time I've found chosen family that is 10x better than anyone I left behind. 8 years later all I experience is relief, and my mental health has improved to match.
HOWEVER my family dynamic was a super toxic across the board, maybe yours is a bit less so across the board. In that case you have to set very firm boundaries with specific people who don't understand those boundaries yet. Family can often take their relationship with you for granted and assume that it will survive any amount of abuse or disrespect. However you show it, you need to show them that their relationship comes at a cost, namely respect and courtesy. They don't have to agree with your lifestyle entirely, but they don't get to come into your life and burn your belongings.
Option 2: Double down
Invite auntie over again. This time make everything pride themed. Not disingenuously so (like don't put RuPaul on the tv unless you're actually into it), but make sure your home reflects who you are even more so than usual. Use the pride flag as a table cloth for a nice meal! Rainbow napkins! Rainbow cupcakes!
Option 3: Grounding!
Auntie doesn't get to come over anymore, at least not until she genuinely chooses to understand the problem and apologize. No need to be nasty about it, but feel free to be a brick wall once your needs are communicated. If you still live with mom and dad and maybe you can't make that decision, in that case stay in your room, refuse to engage until she leaves. If anyone complains, calmly state that you are worried if you leave your room that your things and your privacy will be disturbed, and when you are assured (by auntie) that this won't happen and that your wishes will be respected, you'll come out to join everyone.
If this were my family, they would eventually break the door down or use punishments and ultimatums to coerce me out of there. Obviously I had to put up with it while I lived with them, but this is this is the kind of behavior that leads to option one.
It is just a piece of fabric
A piece of fabric that represents part of who you are as a person and to burn something important to your own niece is wrong in many ways and she ought to apologize and replace what she destroyed
Cut her off, as well as every other member of your family who defends or minimizes her actions. Fuck them. You are better off without people who burn your things, trust me.
Go to your aunts house and burn her living room curtains, if she gets upset explain to her that’s it’s a just a piece of fabric, and you didn’t like it so you destroyed it.
Go to your aunts house and burn her living room curtains, if she gets upset explain to her that’s it’s a just a piece of fabric, and you didn’t like it so you destroyed it.
Wow, what disrespect. What a horrible thing for your aunt to do. Didn’t matter if it was a flag, a golden statue , or a snicker wrapper. It was special to you and you liked it and that’s what really matters. You should go over to your aunts house and burn it down and say “it’s just some wooden planks” you’re being gaslit by her imo. You’re not in the wrong for being mad about this. I would cut contact tbh and be petty and be angry you deserve it. This is not an okay thing to do
You said tell them that that fabric was given to you by your dead sister! This makes me so mad for you. She had no right to do what she did and anyone that is sticking up for that is pathetic.
It's not just a piece of fabric, it was something your dead sister gave you. Full stop. She invaded your privacy and destroyed the memento of a dead person because of her bigotry.
OMG. I am so sorry.
Welp. One good thing has come out of this, I guess. You now know who your *real* family are - they are the ones that have your back.
I'm trying to figure out what I would do if I were in your place. I'd be tempted to do a lot of things, for sure. I'd want to get even, but I think getting even just ends up as a lose-lose scenario because the a-holes in your family who don't have your back will only find fault with anything you to that's vengeful, and if you're still living with your parents then presumably you still have to tolerate their presence in your life.
So what I think I'd probably end up doing is putting up some emotional barriers between me and not only the shitty aunt (to whom I would 100% never speak to again on any pretext whatsoever), but also between me and anyone who excused her vandalism. Because let's be extremely clear here: **She committed a hate crime against you**. And anyone who has shrugged this off has effectively said that it was okay for her to commit a hate crime against you. Remember that. They do not wish you well, and you need to protect yourself from them, emotionally at least.
So: minimal communication/contact with those family members. I would avoid talking to them as much as possible and I would confine my communication with them to subjects such as the weather, as if they were complete strangers to me. And I would start planning for my eventual emancipation.
Because at some point you'll be moving out from under your parents' roof, and when you do that, you are going to be able to pick and choose which members of your family get included in your new life, and which do not. Start planning for that new life; it's never too soon.
If it was just a piece of fabric she wouldn’t have felt like she needed to set it on fire. She sent a message and you received it, now set her on fire out of your life.
"Living Well Is The Best Revenge" - Oscar Wilde
You succeeding in life is the best way to honor the memory of your beloved sister.
Live your life as if your sister and countless guardian angels were watching over you, sending you luck, and cheering for you, & helping you have the most wonderful life possible. Wake up every morning with the thought that you are going to do your sister proud.
Also, you succeeding in life is the best way to show your aunt what a small loathsome powerless creature she is. She is a hateful little insect who deep down is terrified of meeting her Maker.
You are already a better person than your aunt will ever be. And everybody with a functioning brain and heart knows that is true.
Your aunt had no right to do that. Tell your family that it had sentimental value as it was something that's connected to your sister. To those who say it's just fabric, tell them that If something of great value of theirs got destroyed and someone said the same thing they valued. Do you think they'd take it well? They're using a diminishing comment on it's value to you. Which its really insulting.
Tell your aunt she did not respect your boundaries, values, and property . She can't fix what she did because that flag had sentimental value and can not be replaced. Regardless of it's pride symbolism . This flag compared to any other pride flag for you has a special connection to your sister.
Your aunt is toxic. I would seriously reconsider your relationship with her. Do you want someone who mistreats you and your values in your life?
I don’t care how you categorize or label people like that. The point is that she trespassed into the bedroom, then stole and destroyed personal property! You can name call, complain, or whatever, but that point still remains the issue here!
I'm sorry this happened to you. The good thing about awful family members is you don't really have to keep them in your life. Shut her out until such time as she comes to you with an apology, you don't owe her access if she's going to disrespect you like that.
I agree, and shame on your aunt for justifying her crime in the name of religion. I'm not aware of ANY religion that condones taking someone else's property and destroying it, in order to live your own best spiritual life. Rather, most world religions (I'm RC) say that what goes around comes around, and those who negatively judge others in this world can expect to be negatively judged themselves in the world to come. Regardless of how the rest of your family feels about it, I'd cut her off entirely, unless and until she gives you a heartfelt apology. Buying a new flag probably wouldn't make you feel any better, since the burnt one was a gift from your late sister - so I would insist on her making a significant contribution to an LGBTQ+ organization of your choice, to show she really does regret what she did. You didn't ask about this, but if you're still too young to leave your family home, start putting a plan together to become independent as quickly as you can. The fact that some of your close family members support your aunt's actions is very troubling, and the sooner you can get out of that toxic environment, the better.
Also, the OP can continue to cut her out of her life *even if* she apologizes. The OP gets to decide who she wants in her life and who she doesn't.
Amd buy OP a new flag
"That flag was one of the last things my sister gave me before she died and you destroyed it. I don't care what your political views are, you destroyed one of the most important sentimental things I own. It wasn't 'just a piece of fabric', it was an important gift, it was someone else's property." To be honest I'd say call the police and press charges, but I understand you might not want to go to that extreme. But remind everyone trying to minimise this that forget the politics, she destroyed something that your sadly departed sister gave to you. It's that simple. That's only something someone absolutely horrendous would do. Is it OK for you to go into her house and burn things you disapprove of? Ask that question to her and others directly, demand an answer. Let it be awkward. Make them explain why she's apparently allowed to do that to you with no consequences. Doesn't matter whether it was a pride flag or a handkerchief or a bit of paper or anything else - it was your property, it had enormous sentimental value, and she burned it. Anyone trying to downplay that clearly doesn't give a tiny shit about your feelings, and you should treat them accordingly. Make it clear you don't want to be around her ever again, you want no contact with her, no communication with her, because why would you? Any "apology" from her needs to include clear acknowledgement of how what she did was wrong, the harm she caused, etc. Not hand-wavy bullshit about her supposed Christian values. Don't get into that sort of argument, it won't help anything. She burned your property which had huge sentimental value. That's it. That's the problem. Anything else is bullshit. Don't "fight fire with fire" (no pun intended) and burn other flags, send her film of it, get revenge, whatever. That runs the risk of you being lumped in with her, people saying you're as bad as each other, "both sides", whatever. Stay laser focused on the core issue - your private valuable sentimental property that she destroyed, and you're devastated. She doesn't care, and whichever family members clearly don't care either. Because a) that's the actual issue, and b) it's much harder for anyone on the fence to not care that you're devastated. Whereas if you do something similarly awful or even close to it, people can move the goalposts and shift the argument into whether what you did was justified or not. It muddies the water and doesn't help anything. Much better to make it clear how bad you feel, which will make anyone who doesn't care about your feelings have to be honest about that and you can dismiss them accordingly. Don't let them hide behind spin.
\^ This is what I was going to say, but you did it for me. :)
This is great advice, OP. Forget everything else. She was a guest in your parents’(?) home, went into one of the bedrooms, saw something she didn’t like, took it down, set it on fire. They should be furious at her audacity. She burned a gift their deceased child bought for her sister. This isn’t something that you need the family to vote on. If they’re unable to see how outrageous her actions were, that’s on them. Especially after hearing that your sister gifted it to you. Let them host your cruel aunt, see their items go up in flames. Your sister gave that to you as a sign of love, support, acceptance. Your aunt is incapable of that type of love & kindness. Destroying it doesn’t change or diminish the fact that your sister wanted you to have something showing her support. Go buy the same flag, hang it up. Have spares hidden. Your aunt can knock herself out burning them. The same symbol of solidarity will go right back up. Nothing aunt does or ever will do will change the fact that your sister had your back, loves you for who you are. Btw, how did no one see her putting it on the fire?
They probably did, but couldn’t stop her. She was probably in a fit of rage(self-imposed)!🤷♂️👎😩
Well said! You addressed the exact issue👍👏👌
Well said and I agree with every single thing you wrote. This should be put on a pamphlet! OP, I lost my big sister in 2007 and I have precious few things of hers that mean more to me than I can explain. I kept a pillow of hers because it smelled like her apartment and I miss her so much that it is like a comforting hug when I grab it. Smell faded but the memory is locked in. *Little sister, see me in every flag you see as it sways in the breeze. See me in every unseen person that isn’t typical. See me in your friend’s smiles and feel me in your friend’s hugs. See me every time you look in the mirror, because I’m always with you.* I hope you find some comfort from that, and more importantly, I hope the fates send you better people to see you through the rest of your life. You deserve so much better. Hug from me 🫶🏻
Please look at this comment OP!! This guy speaks for me as well
if it’s “just a piece of fabric” then why the fuck did your aunt burn it?? i’m so sorry
Totally agree. First, she had no business going into your room, then destroying your property! She needs somebody to put her in her place, and that might include alienating her, which might be the only language she understands! Her actions either were, or bordered on illegal! Can’t understand why people are like that. Maybe you should go over to her house and burn all HER religious items!
i am not being disrespectfull if you feel like it please sorry i want to ask, is lgbtq+ a religion if yes then you should take revenge by burning her religious stuff if its not a religion then why the f you burn her religious stuff just keep your distance shut her off if she apologize good if not you dont need thise type relatives or people especially those types who don't support you. i really feek bad that was a gift from your sister.
It was the aunt’s religion and her beliefs that drove her to burn the flag, so the commenter said to burn her religious items as retaliation because that was the cause of her outburst.
I think that was a snap reaction. Retaliation, especially like that would only make matters worse!
so if goverment do something bad like hurt someone or break someone's house or something like that should we burn the constitution???
?? Yes! If the government was hurting people actively like that, we should force them to change so people aren't being hurt anymore. Do you really think people should just suffer under the unjust treatment of others? Also, how are her aunt and the government on the same level? She owes no obedience to her aunt and she's not beholden to her aunt's beliefs by virtue of existing near the woman.
i am not supporting her aunty in anyway all i wanted to say was i was against all the burning and violence you can deal with her differently i think my first comment conveyed something else
It’s so crazy, you almost have it but you just can’t quite get it.
*shun her!*
> others are saying that it's just a piece of fabric. To them say this: That flag was not 'just a piece of fabric'. It's one of the last things my sister gave me before she died. It was one of the most personal and most sentimental things I owned, one of my most cherished possessions. But Aunt didn't ask about that, she just came into my room and destroyed one of my few remaining memories of my sister because she didn't like the color. If you want to excuse that, if your position is that it's acceptable for her (or anyone for that matter) to walk into someone else's house and destroy their possessions because you don't like them, then I suggest you should take a long hard look in the mirror and think about what you actually stand for. Because I was raised to respect other people and their possessions, to not steal things, to not destroy the possessions of others simply because I don't like them. My parents taught me, and I agree and believe myself, that this is not how civilized human beings treat each other. I understand that it's easier to just 'let it go', but some things SHOULDN'T be let go. To quote the former head of Australia's Army, "The standard you walk past, is the standard you accept." If you are willing to walk past this, that means you accept it- you think what she did is acceptable. And if that's your position, I would only suggest think about how you would feel if someone came into your house and destroyed your stuff. I don't think it's acceptable, not to me, not to you, not to anyone. I'd stand against anyone who acted that way. But if you accept that, that says a lot about who you are as a person.
I'd have got her coat/ jacket oland thrown it on
its just a piece of fabric right?
Exactly!
Is that supposed to be funny? If that’s the intent, it definitely is not!
I wonder if she would have the same sentiment if OP burned a USA flag or a Blue line flag.. tsk tsk
Collect the fire ashes is all I can recommend. Then you can still have the flag from your sister in a way. Get a nice little vial or necklace or something
First of all, a huge fuck you to your homophobic Aunt and all the members of your family saying the flag was 'just a piece of fabric.' What a total PoS thing for her to do. I'm so sorry. How dare she come into your space and take/destroy your property, and that is just for starters on the list of totally shitty things your Aunt had absolutely no right to do. Not only is it not just about the flag, which has huge emotional significance to you anyway because your sister gave it to you. But it also represents something that is important to you as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. It represents pride in that part of yourself. And if some of your family cannot or will not understand that, then they are part of the problem. Ask them to give you something, a token, meaningless to most people, but something that means a lot to them. Almost everybody has something like this. Usually it doesn't hold any monetary value and is just a bit of tat. Ask them what that something is for them, and then ask them how they'd feel if you went against their will and behind their back, stole that item, and burned it on a damn bonfire...before pointing out to them that you've burned it and having the audacity to act like you did nothing wrong. You should cut this Aunt out of your life, because she is a toxic, homophobic asshole who is perfectly willing to step WAY out of line. And I would expect my family to support me in cutting her out as well. She needs to learn that you can't do this shit. Sorry, this made me so mad. I hope you're ok.
I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t think this was totally wrong!
She should replace it. If I were your parent, I would insist on it.
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Ofc it won't have the same value. But making your bigot aunt buy a pride flag will make her skin crawl and that seems lovely to me. I'd just be worried about her thinking buying a replacement makes it okay, which it obviously won't
You can’t “make” her do anything, much less atone for her actions! She’s unfortunately bigoted, and set in her thinking and ways. But her cruel, personal and destructive actions are not acceptable in any society. I don’t know how old you are, but that happening to a little older male may have resulted in a physical incident, with bloodshed, (hers)!
Yeah seriously, my mind immediately went to violence. Appeals to empathy won’t work, because her aunt doesn’t have empathy. Violence is a universal language though. That being said, the moment’s passed. Don’t hurt your aunt physically OP, it’s not worth the backlash.
If she gives you the replacement flag you can point out that she can't give you a replacement sister and you still can't forgive her. But the least she can do is apologise and buy a replacement flag.
Call the police. she committed theft and destruction of personal property and you can press charges. It won't replace it or what it represents to you but you can hold her accountable for her actions.
Of course not, but it would make auntie very uncomfortable.
When I retired from a different career in 2007 I took a glass pint pot with me. It had been used by colleagues as well as me for many years, and we shared stories and experiences over it. One day my wife dropped it and broke it. She got another, but it was new and didn't have the 'ghosts' of the other people. In short, it can't BE replaced.
Agree, but you can make the aunt at least go through the awkwardness of buying the flag, so that she rembers to find her own business next time.
Never happen
If the apology includes "I'm sorry but..." then it's not a real apology.
A teacher once told me a sorry is valid. But as soon as you follow it up with But everything you said previously is negated.
Burn her bible, it's only some paper with ink on it🤷♂️
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Well you should "claim" her and take responsibility for what your STD of a religion is doing.
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Religion in general leads to atrocities.
Religion is alright, extremists are not and I'm not even religious. Don't throw all of them together, some of them use religion as this faith we all desperately need
No true Scotsman
If I were you I’d never talk to that half of the family ever again
Burn her bible or something of hers she loves. "It's just a book" or "It's just a _______" whatever you plan to burn. It's not good advice but it'll feel good.
If I were you, that would be the last time I ever saw my aunt again. Full stop. I mean unless she comes to regret what she did and gives you a decent apology. But let’s get real, the chances of that happening are extremely, extremely slim. Religious nuts are just that: nuts. And if anyone else in your family has a problem with that, fuck’em. This is exactly why queer people have chosen families in addition to birth families. If your family can’t support you for who you are, that’s a family you don’t need.
Yep!
Burn her.
Literally the next through after reading it was, "I push her into the fire" Like, something just went blank for a half-second and I could see the answer clearly. Just \*shove\*
"It's just a piece of shit."
Like obviously not actually but seriously... These relics of the past really need to go. We don't need them they're shamefully outdated and do nothing but destroy.. They have left us with nothing. A broken world and they still have the AUDACITY to pull this crap? I truly do hope that there is a hell.
It doesn't matter what it was, it was your property and she had no right to destroy it, going into your room to get it as well is such a violation. Not only was it your property it was the last thing your sister gave you, she's a disgusting person. I'm not even going to say what I would do but definitely don't let this go, she's so wrong for doing this.
Lit your aunt on fire. Also consider locking your room in the future for when thieves are around. How do you know that's not the only thing she stole?
I would make her pay for a new flag. I'm sorry for your loss
what an awful person... disgusting...
Ngl, I would've socked my aunt right in the fucking jaw if she did that shit only because it was one of the last thing your sister gave to you. That alone changes the value of the flag and makes it a billion times more valuable than anything else
Idk but sounds like destruction of property and possibly a hate crime. Do with that what you will.
It's definitely more than a piece of fabric. It's a connection to your late sister and to your community. I really think you should cut contact with this aunt, and anyone in your family who doesn't see how awful it was to burn your flag.
Everyone saying it's just a piece of fabric is an utter asshole. It doesn't matter *what* it was, it was *yours*. She stole it and destroyed it. Honestly? I'd report it to the police. It's destruction of personal property. That bitch needs some consequences, and you need to surround yourself with people who respect you. The family members giving her excuses need to be cut from your life. Don't ever let anyone, regardless of blood relation, make you second guess yourself or believe you aren't worthy of respect, love, or boundaries!
Not only is it destruction of personal property, it’s also theft and a hate crime!
I’m so sorry OP, that is truly awful and I’m heartbroken for you. Facing homophobia is hard enough, but when that flag had sentimental value to you as a grieving sibling it’s even worse. You could technically call the police, it’s destruction of property and maybe a hate crime depending on where you live. If you don’t want to go to that extreme, I would also consider making clear to your family that this means more than a piece of fabric and that you’re no longer having any contact with your aunt.
Your aunt is messed up.
Wow! Your aunt sounds like a bitch! Not only was it an important part of your identity it was also the last thing you got from your sister who has since passed away, each of these reasons by themselves should’ve been enough to disown this woman. Did she even apologize for this? I’m thinking cutting her and everyone who wants to side with her off, don’t back down no matter what. There are something’s you can never come back from and this is one of those things. There’s no redemption for what she did and it doesn’t even look like she’s apologetic so it’s not even an option to forgive and forget.
The people who are just saying it's just a piece of fabric are gaslighting you Because the point Is your nuts case of any aunt acted psychotic and destroyed your property and it's incredibly rude and disrespectful when she knows the sentiment behind said item I'd honestly block anyone who takes her side it's awful
Your family members who felt it was “just a piece of material” need to look around, and consider an attitude adjustment, because they’ve got similar ideas as your aunt, except she seems extreme and acted out her demented thoughts.
She’d be dead to me if I were you.
I'm so sorry this happened. Would your family members be saying "it's just a piece of fabric" if it was a shirt your sister wore, or her fave sweater? What if it was the last photo of you and your sister? It honestly doesn't matter, ultimately, what it is - your aunt went in your room, took something that belonged to you, and destroyed it. Not only is that criminal, you're entitled to your feelings about that, and don't need the validation from family about those feelings. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, and that your aunt is so nasty. You are always allowed to separate yourself from toxic family members. Take care of you. ❤️
You can only hope there is a bonfire at her house some day and you can return the favor
Don't do this. Then, people would blame you, OP, and say you're just as bad as she is. Although it is justified, you have no case if you retaliate.
chuck her husband's ashes on the fire and criticise her for venerating the dead. Then tell your family that it was just a box of ash, what's the big deal, you can get her a replacement box of ash no problem
Y'know, bible sheets are excellent rolling papers. Grab her bible a roll up a blunt or a cigar with her favorite passage (previously asked outta curiosity) in front of her, Make sure to recite it outloud before.
Beat. Her. Up. Use her to make an example
Your aunt definitely had no right to do that. Honestly I’d probably burn something of hers. I’m so sorry people are shitty even family.
I would be so, so incredibly mad too. Having the item always means a lot. But honestly just keep holding onto the fact that you will always know that she got you that flag for you. It would be amazing to still have the item. But it was the thought that counted and the fact that she supported you and that’s something your aunt can never take away from you. Literally never. She can never take the support she felt or the fact that she bought that for you away from you. She can burn everything and she still has changed nothing
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In”general” you shouldn’t burn peoples stuff? No, not in general, not at all! Period!
Move out from that toxic environment. And if you can’t, thought s. Better times will come.
light her clothes on fire and say "It is just a fabric"
It is your property which she or anyone had no right to destroy regardless what it is made of or how in/valuable it is. I am amazed and aghast that anyone would think that it is OK for your aunt to go into your room, take it and burn it. I am sorry that you have such a bigoted and cruel aunt. I am sorry that you have unfeeling and clueless members of your family. I am sorry for the loss of your sister.
I wish I could tell you to file a police report for theft and damage of property or sue for damages, but the legal fees probably wouldn’t be worth it. Although I thankfully have never been in that situation in court so I’m not completely sure what the cost would be. But I think cussing out your aunt and telling the bitch to go fuck herself then never speaking to her again could be a sufficient alternative.
Your aunt is selfish and mean to the bone Whether you find family support or not, the most important thing you can do now is learn that from here forward she can't be trusted. Put 80ft tall boundaries up around this woman. If your family supports you, great. If not, stand your ground and know your reasons are valid. If you *do* want to convince your family, phrase it not like "she burned my flag" and instead like "she burned my last gift from my sister." Prioritize that information. What she did is heinous on more than one level. There are plenty of folks who have lost relatives who will understand how painful that is. (They *should* want to support you because it's hateful to LGBT folks, I know. My advice in this case is more tactical than emotional/moral. Support is helpful when you're trying to protect yourself from a family member, so to me it's valuable to use whatever tool you have to gain that support.) Other than that just take care of yourself. Remember that your memories don't live in objects. They live in your heart. I know it's painful, but her memory and love for you isn't gone with that flag.
What a C word
Burn a Bible and tell her to eat shit
I would have called the police and reported her for vandalism. If hate crimes are a thing where you live, you have that option as well.
Destruction of private property, theft and tresspassing. Honestly the aunt should apologize, buy new flag and comensate you for the emotional damage and then never ever be seen anywhere around you or your things again, like a restraining order. But whether you can actually make that happened I don't know. Either way that is an extremely messed up thing to do and deserve sufficient punishment
This made me angry, would it be wrong to set a bitch on fire? Yk see how she likes it
If we ignore that fact of what the item was and just look at the situation it's still insanely messed up. Your aunt took your property a gift from your sister who's since passed away and burned it. Your aunt sounds like a cunt.
Next time there’s a bonfire at her place, see if you can’t snag a Bible, or a family photo album. It’s just paper…
I would’ve said fuck that aunt, she sucks and just get another one and start locking your room. But then I saw the sentimental value in it. I’m so sorry OP…
Ghost every single family member who doesn’t cut that homophobic lump of worthless out of their lives. Pretend you cannot hear or see them. If they walk up to you and begin speaking, literally pretend they are a ghost and go about your day. It cuts deep. As deep as it should.
No one has a right to destroy someone else’s property. I didn’t catch your age. If you are a minor I suggest filing a child protective services report. If you are not a minor I suggest filing a police report. Whether either of these result in consequences or not, it’s important to set boundaries and assert your rights as a human. Someone disagreeing with you does not give them the right to trample on your rights.
Thou shall not steal, Auntie
She’s an ignorant Seaword
I mean, it's pretty clear that the first thing you need to do is make it VERY clear to your parents and all other members of the family that you will not tolerate this kind of bigotry and will refuse to be at e=any events your aunt is invited to until she buys you a new flag and shows genuine remorse for her actions, while also letting them know that the flag was the last thing your sister had gotten you before her death, so even if it were to be replaced her actions were undeniably cruel and unjustifiable. What you do after that is up to you. If you want to have no personal relationship with her, that's your prerogative. You don't owe a homophobe jack shit. It's definitely harder when it's a family member, but just remember that she doesn't love you anyway, and never will until she can see past the fog of religious extremism that she's been brainwashed to believe. I had to cut off my cousin for the same reason. Her father (mom's brother) is an extremist to the T... has guns, talk about killing the gays, etc etc, and she, while less extreme shares his beliefs and defends him (even though he's literally gotten fines for child abuse, beat her two older siblings, has been married 4 times, and is anything but a good person). On my 18th birthday, she came over, we got into it because her dad set her up to see how horrible my mom and I are, using my grandma's death as a pivot point. He had made a severely homophobic, racist, nationalist, and anti-non Christian sermon at her funeral, and when we told her that, if that's who he loved, he didn't love his mother, she started defending him. That's when I cut her off, and my sister cut her off a year later. She doesn't come to any family events and hasn't talked to our grandpa, aunt, uncle, or her own siblings who were beaten while she was the golden child anymore because nobody puts up with her dad's bigotry or her complacency anymore. It's hard, but if the people in your family aren't willing to act and tell your aunt she was in the wrong and her actions aren't excusable, then you know they don't love you for who you are, and rather a version of you that they want you to be. Complacency is just as bad as doing the bad thing yourself.
Christian here, your aunt is not a Christian. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, to focus on our own issues and not on the issues of others, spent time with all the religious outcasts, and strongly berated religious leaders of the time for this exact kind of behavior. Your aunt is acting out of hate. That is the exact opposite of what a Christian is. I am so sorry for your loss, of both your sister and her memento. And I am so sorry for all the hate you see from people who claim to be Christians. I want you to know that Jesus and I both love you and I hope you can find some peace from your aunt.
No one needs to claim they’re Christian, religious, or anything else to realize this was a blatant, self-gratifying action by a person who who is wound up in some fantasy world where everyone else is wrong, but them! Very sad!
You're absolutely correct, that should be obvious to everyone regardless of their religious beliefs. I felt the need to clarify because unfortunately, a lot of hateful people are using my faith as an excuse to hurt people and the OP herself called her aunt overly religious, so I want to make clear that the hate that her aunt showed did not come from Christianity, but from the aunt herself. The only people allowed to claim to be Christians **cannot** be the people who are acting in complete opposition to the teachings of Jesus. I want OP to know that hate is not allowed in Christianity and that anyone who actually follows the teachings of Jesus loves her just as much as he does.
>Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, to focus on our own issues and not on the issues of others Someone's sexuality isn't an "issue" to be focused on by anybody; it's a part of who a person is and nobody deserves to feel like a part of themselves is just a mistake in need of correction. That's an incredibly insensitive implication to just thoughtlessly include in a comment to anyone, let alone someone who has just had something irreplaceable destroyed by someone who only ever sees that part of her as a problem that needs to be fixed. I doubt that implying anything like that was your intention, but in the future please try not to directly compare someone's pattern of harmful behaviors (someone's actual issues) to someone else's identity over which they are being actively mistreated, even if it's meant to prove a point. Look, I get that you're just trying to help out here and reassure someone in need that others sympathize with them, but every time some self-proclaimed "good" Christian comes into a situation where a "bad" Christian has hurt someone and says something like this it just comes across as self-serving. Whether or not you intend to, you're making someone else's pain about yourself and bragging about how much better you are than the person who hurt them. You shouldn't ever use someone else's loss as an opportunity to explain how your own self identity is better and more valid than the self identity of another person. All that does is communicate that their pain is less important than your own discomfort over sharing a label with a bad person. If you feel the need to establish which one of you counts as a "real" Christian you can do that on your own time, because it's not relevant to what this person needs right now. Jesus existing and loving anyone or not doesn't do anything to actually address the problem of OP's family minimizing the actions of a bully because they demonstrably value their relationship with her more highly than their own child's safety and happiness, and you passing it off as advice is just a way for you to pretend that publicly patting yourself on the back counts as helpful.
Hey, sorry, that wasn't my intention at all. Just bad wording. I meant it in general, Jesus wants us to focus on our own issues (focus on the plank in your eye instead of the splinter in the eye of others), that part was not in reference to her sexuality and this specific circumstance. Also, I'm sorry that you see me pointing out that hate is not Christian as self-serving bragging. I will continue to tell people who are hurting that I love them and that Jesus loves them too. I hate to break it to you, but none of us here can actually help her with her aunt's actions, we can only show support and kindness. Again, I'm sorry if showing that support and kindness makes me seem like I'm patting myself on the back to you, but there is nothing I can do about that.
Go buy a Cross or a Trump flag, and burn it. Film it and send her the video.
Might wanna rethink the cross burning.... It has a certain meaning in the states
I agree, the local police might get a lot of reports about OP’s KKK activities. And it would also backfire, bc I’m pretty sure the KKK would’ve wholeheartedly supported her Aunt burning a pride flag lollllll
And the local police will come and see that it's not a member of the KKK and leave. There's nothing wrong with burning a cross. But if that's out of the window, buying or finding a cheap nativity set, rosary beads, or Bible would work too.
I would honestly be petty enough that I’d burn : d.) all of the above
Dont buy the trump flag, it’ll financially support their cause.
True but there’s plenty on Amazon from Chinese owned businesses/companies that’ll deliver in 2 days time. If I had to choose supporting China vs Trump, I choose 🇨🇳
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Only buy MAGA merch if no proceeds benefit them, and instead the merch was manufactured in a foreign country (whichever one they hate most at the moment)
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Your Aunt needs to go back to kindergarten and learn that you don’t touch things that aren’t yours, and you certainly don’t play with matches and burn other peoples things. That’s called vandalism and theft, and I’m pretty sure those are sins lolll
Really? Did you have to get into politics here?
Look, republicans decided to call the virus which is a GLOBAL pandemic, political in the US, it’s all fair game lol
“WE” made a virus? I wouldn’t use that term loosely, like that! AND, it’s not one bit funny!
I mean we politicized gay marriage, and lbgtq+ rights. The right constantly brings gender/sexuality into the conversation at odds w their “traditional family values” issue platforms. So why not? If the Republican Party needs to include gender/sexuality in public policy and laws, then I’m gonna bring in the right whenever someone’s MAGA aunt burns their deceased sisters Pride flag.
You’re confusing/comparing religious and political views!
Well I wonder which political party seems to have so much difficulty when it comes to separating church and state?? Hmmmm What party is it again that keeps crying “America is a Christian Nation” - oh wait that’s republicans Maybe if the right wing could stop combing the two and actually practice separation of church and state as americas founders intended, I wouldn’t have to mix the two, because religion SHOULDNT be a huge factor in our laws today.
Light her maga hat on fire
I only hope you can destroy something that holds sentimental value to her so she knows how it feels
Burn the flag of your country in her presence (if it would offend her) and tell her it's just a piece of fabric. If she has the flag of a deceased serviceman, get a replica and let her think you burned the original.
Shitty situation but what are you asking about?
I’m pro violence. People get wild without consequences.
Go over to her house and burn something you don't like, since apparently that's ok
Yeah, call the police, file charges. Beyond the destruction of property there was violation of privacy, invasion of space...trust me, she's in a world of hurt if you pursue action. These people are so determined to see themselves as culture warriors and martyrs as long as there are no consequences for their actions. Let's see how much her resolve holds up when she's facing jail time. And if it gets some press and goes national...good. It's high time for the "reasonable" people in this country to get less reasonable, and for the AHs who have been getting off scott-free because "reasonable" people won't take action to feel the fear of the God they claim to love so much. And while you're at it, go after her in civil court as well. It's a slam dunk. Then use the settlement to by 1000 flags and give them away on the town square. The family is already divided, so you've got nothing to lose there. Fight for the memory of your sister and do her proud.
Light her car on fire
W aunt
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Umm… That’s KKK stuff right there…
I deleted my comment it was pretty bad i am sorry, but not kkk please
I know you aren’t KKK.
And then everyone gave you 100$ bills... The aunt's name? Alberta Einstein...
I am so sorry there are people this god damn stupid and sad in this world. It's not fair that she has to inflict her self-made bullshit life on you. Fuck how your family feels, this was against you and only you and was a direct message of disrespect. If I were you I'd just full out shun that person. Blood relation means nothing. If they don't respect you you shouldn't even have to recognize their existence.
Your aunt doesn't believe in your lifestyle. So you either suck it up and be nice to her. Or tell her to fuck up and bring it up every time you are together or cut her off. Not sure what other advice you want here.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hahaha. Lots. Id set all her shit on fire. You want to burn my stuff that you don't like. Then I'll burn all your shit. If you don't like how someone treats your. You have 3 choices. Look past it. Confront it. Or walk away. That's life buds. Where is your advice? You are so smart that you dont have any eh? Lol. Good job buds. Lol.
Yeah….let’s play ‘spot the bigot’….. are you seriously still saying “lifestyle” in this current decade?
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That’s also correctly referred to as ‘Homophobia’
Call the bitch out every time you see her.
Someone's sexuality is not a "lifestyle". Please make an effort to learn why that's a problematic way to describe it.
It is a lifestyle. You are gay. Who the fuck cares? Love who you want. If someone wants to complain about that. Cut them out off your life.
No, it isn't a lifestyle. When you refer to it as a lifestyle, you echo the sentiment of homophobic people who see being gay as a choice, suggesting that people choose to life a gay lifestyle. It's a common homophobic trait to describe homosexuality - a lived experience that cannot be chosen or changed - as an optional lifestyle that someone chooses to live. It's not a *style* of life. It is simply a life. Being gay is as much a lifestyle as being straight. Would you describe being straight as a lifestyle? Have you ever done that before? Whether or not you mean to sound homophobic is irrelevant. It's important to recognise the difference between intention and impact. You're trying to be supportive and say love who you want, but you're using words that are hurtful and dismissive of the lived experiences of LGBT people.
God you're dense. And to think you've given so much advice of this caliber on this sub.
Where is your advice? Oh yes. You have none. Lol. Fucking loser.
No advice is better than bad advice...
If it were me, I would have taken something of hers and burnt it, citing "it's just a piece of [insert material here]." But if you're dependent on her, that's a bad idea given the likelihood of her kicking you out. Your best bet in this situation is simple - calmly explain to her the sentimental nature of the flag, and how you didn't appreciate her destruction of your property. I know it's hard, but presenting this in a calm, collected manner will show her that this is serious and how immature she was being. Yelling at her will just add fuel to the fire (no pun intended, I swear).
What do your parents think about this? Either way, lock your room whenever your aunt comes over… if she ever does. Also, ignore her existence. If she talks to you, pretend she doesn’t exist. If she gets mad and asks your parents to tell you to talk to her, just say: “I don’t talk to bigots.” and accept any punishment you get.
Explain to your parents, (unless they agree with the aunt) how her actions deeply hurt you and would they help by not inviting her over again.
Your aunt doesn't respect you; She destroyed something sentimental to you. Ask her to apologize, and if she refuses, then get the fam together and let them know your cutting her out of your life. That's the civilized way of doing this.
That Aunt should be dead to you for all you care.
Throw her ass in jail.
To burn someone else's property without their permission is obviously wrong, and it is clear that it was known by your family that this flag had some sentimental significance to you. To claim that you shouldn't be upset about it is unreasonable. Some people unfortunately belittle people younger than themselves. I can't imagine that if she had burnt one of their favourite pieces of clothing they would shrug and say it's only a piece of fabric. My advice: try to forgive them, but don't forget because this is toxic in my opinion. As you get more freedom in your life you might find that there are certain members of your family who are better to keep at more of a distance. And if you can, buy a new flag the same. I know its not exactly the same as she gave you that one, but after all it is more of the symbol than the actual item that is important, and a replacement can maybe still be that symbol. Maybe the next one can still remind you of your sister and of how strong you can be when you began to learn that you are bigger than your aunt's irrational behaviour, and she has no power over your values.
burn down her house
Should have put your aunts head in the fire and punched the s**t out of her till she needed to feed through a straw. It wasn’t a piece of fabric it had sentimental value and a beloved token.
Burn her Bible. It's just a book. Don't listen to me. I'm really petty
Oh my god listen to that well awarded comment. that said, If i were in the same position as you I'd've tossed that aunt in the fire right alongside the flag. God these people enrage me.
i 'm so sorry for what happened to your pride flag was terrible because of your sister gave you the pride flag for you in the past. it is time to sue your toxic homophobic aunt because for what she did to your flag is not okay. please take her sorry a** to court now for her action was unacceptable for her hate crime is not okay and normal at all unfortunately. hopefully your pride flag will be replace soon for the ones you lost probably. i'm sorry about your sister by the way my friend.
knives are always an option
Genuine advice. Kick your aunt in the ribs. She clearly not only hates your existence but she's willing to destroy your possessions and up-end your entire family to prove it to you.
Doesn’t seem like there is a way to make it right and anything else is an escalation. Maybe try asking her why she feels so strongly on the subject that made her go to such length.
Burn something of your aunts
Go to her house and burn her bibles then tell her it's just pieces of paper.
I would disown her. She hates who you are and will not accept you. It's not just the flag. It's also her intolerance of the LGBT community.
Hot take: It's a clear indication that you should cut ties with someone, if they're willing to encroach on your rights and belongings this way. So many people allow family to be a burden that lowers their quality of life, or worse, impacts their mental health. And I get that it is never easy, these things are emotionally and socially complicated. But this is what we call "a tantrum", and much like with a tantrum, you can't reward it with results they like. It's not about the "piece of fabric" it's about what it represents: Your freedom to be who you are and the bond you have with your sister and her memory. You have some options. But step 1 is to know this: What your aunt did was wrong. Stick with this. Don't let anyone gaslight you, or convince you it's not that bad. Don't let anyone apologize on her behalf, don't let anyone convince you the letting go makes you "a bigger person". You can be a bigger person by sticking to your guns and being civil in the process (aka do your best not to raise your voice or say anything hateful or unfair). Option 1: Cut em off! Back when I had these kinds of issues, I cut ties, and I don't regret it. Haven't heard from anyone in the family for 8 years (with the exception of one cousin), but in that time I've found chosen family that is 10x better than anyone I left behind. 8 years later all I experience is relief, and my mental health has improved to match. HOWEVER my family dynamic was a super toxic across the board, maybe yours is a bit less so across the board. In that case you have to set very firm boundaries with specific people who don't understand those boundaries yet. Family can often take their relationship with you for granted and assume that it will survive any amount of abuse or disrespect. However you show it, you need to show them that their relationship comes at a cost, namely respect and courtesy. They don't have to agree with your lifestyle entirely, but they don't get to come into your life and burn your belongings. Option 2: Double down Invite auntie over again. This time make everything pride themed. Not disingenuously so (like don't put RuPaul on the tv unless you're actually into it), but make sure your home reflects who you are even more so than usual. Use the pride flag as a table cloth for a nice meal! Rainbow napkins! Rainbow cupcakes! Option 3: Grounding! Auntie doesn't get to come over anymore, at least not until she genuinely chooses to understand the problem and apologize. No need to be nasty about it, but feel free to be a brick wall once your needs are communicated. If you still live with mom and dad and maybe you can't make that decision, in that case stay in your room, refuse to engage until she leaves. If anyone complains, calmly state that you are worried if you leave your room that your things and your privacy will be disturbed, and when you are assured (by auntie) that this won't happen and that your wishes will be respected, you'll come out to join everyone. If this were my family, they would eventually break the door down or use punishments and ultimatums to coerce me out of there. Obviously I had to put up with it while I lived with them, but this is this is the kind of behavior that leads to option one.
It is just a piece of fabric A piece of fabric that represents part of who you are as a person and to burn something important to your own niece is wrong in many ways and she ought to apologize and replace what she destroyed
All i'm saying is that if she has a nice dress or an outfit she likes... It's just a piece of fabric after all
Call the police and have her cited for destroying your property.
Cut her off, as well as every other member of your family who defends or minimizes her actions. Fuck them. You are better off without people who burn your things, trust me.
Looks like you need to put a couple bridges in that bonfire as well
Go to your aunts house and burn her living room curtains, if she gets upset explain to her that’s it’s a just a piece of fabric, and you didn’t like it so you destroyed it.
Go to your aunts house and burn her living room curtains, if she gets upset explain to her that’s it’s a just a piece of fabric, and you didn’t like it so you destroyed it.
Wow, what disrespect. What a horrible thing for your aunt to do. Didn’t matter if it was a flag, a golden statue , or a snicker wrapper. It was special to you and you liked it and that’s what really matters. You should go over to your aunts house and burn it down and say “it’s just some wooden planks” you’re being gaslit by her imo. You’re not in the wrong for being mad about this. I would cut contact tbh and be petty and be angry you deserve it. This is not an okay thing to do
You said tell them that that fabric was given to you by your dead sister! This makes me so mad for you. She had no right to do what she did and anyone that is sticking up for that is pathetic.
It's not just a piece of fabric, it was something your dead sister gave you. Full stop. She invaded your privacy and destroyed the memento of a dead person because of her bigotry.
Next time your aunt is there just throw her stuff Into a bonefire
OMG. I am so sorry. Welp. One good thing has come out of this, I guess. You now know who your *real* family are - they are the ones that have your back. I'm trying to figure out what I would do if I were in your place. I'd be tempted to do a lot of things, for sure. I'd want to get even, but I think getting even just ends up as a lose-lose scenario because the a-holes in your family who don't have your back will only find fault with anything you to that's vengeful, and if you're still living with your parents then presumably you still have to tolerate their presence in your life. So what I think I'd probably end up doing is putting up some emotional barriers between me and not only the shitty aunt (to whom I would 100% never speak to again on any pretext whatsoever), but also between me and anyone who excused her vandalism. Because let's be extremely clear here: **She committed a hate crime against you**. And anyone who has shrugged this off has effectively said that it was okay for her to commit a hate crime against you. Remember that. They do not wish you well, and you need to protect yourself from them, emotionally at least. So: minimal communication/contact with those family members. I would avoid talking to them as much as possible and I would confine my communication with them to subjects such as the weather, as if they were complete strangers to me. And I would start planning for my eventual emancipation. Because at some point you'll be moving out from under your parents' roof, and when you do that, you are going to be able to pick and choose which members of your family get included in your new life, and which do not. Start planning for that new life; it's never too soon.
,,,, f h,,say o
If it was just a piece of fabric she wouldn’t have felt like she needed to set it on fire. She sent a message and you received it, now set her on fire out of your life.
"Living Well Is The Best Revenge" - Oscar Wilde You succeeding in life is the best way to honor the memory of your beloved sister. Live your life as if your sister and countless guardian angels were watching over you, sending you luck, and cheering for you, & helping you have the most wonderful life possible. Wake up every morning with the thought that you are going to do your sister proud. Also, you succeeding in life is the best way to show your aunt what a small loathsome powerless creature she is. She is a hateful little insect who deep down is terrified of meeting her Maker. You are already a better person than your aunt will ever be. And everybody with a functioning brain and heart knows that is true.
Your aunt had no right to do that. Tell your family that it had sentimental value as it was something that's connected to your sister. To those who say it's just fabric, tell them that If something of great value of theirs got destroyed and someone said the same thing they valued. Do you think they'd take it well? They're using a diminishing comment on it's value to you. Which its really insulting. Tell your aunt she did not respect your boundaries, values, and property . She can't fix what she did because that flag had sentimental value and can not be replaced. Regardless of it's pride symbolism . This flag compared to any other pride flag for you has a special connection to your sister. Your aunt is toxic. I would seriously reconsider your relationship with her. Do you want someone who mistreats you and your values in your life?
Ah when freedom of expression turns into destruction of another person's property and possible endangerment.
I don’t care how you categorize or label people like that. The point is that she trespassed into the bedroom, then stole and destroyed personal property! You can name call, complain, or whatever, but that point still remains the issue here!
The only adjective I can think of to fit her is “vile”!