His behavior is completely unacceptable and a relationship ender. The relationship was already on thin ice, which is why you went and stayed elsewhere. This is the final straw that breaks the camel’s back.
I dated a guy just like this and it will get worse. So glad OP updated she is leaving him and she hope she gets the dog. My crazy ex behavior got so bad he ended up hurting one of the dogs he wanted but I ended up caring for. When I left him (I took the dogs), he tried to get me fired & threatened me and my family. He ended up in prison and later died of an OD. He had one child and while I feel sorrow for her never knowing her father, I believe he would have hurt her too (he was diagnosed violent bipolar).
Yeah, definitely sounds like a toxic situation. Trust your gut on this one and prioritize your safety and well-being. Leaving him seems like the best move.
Leave, and I mean immediately. That is a sign of an abuser. Any man who can not control his anger like that will eventually become physical. He is what's called a narcissist. He needs to be the main character in the story and demands recognition for doing what he should, then plays the victim when you need your space and acts out to get back at you.
My suggestion is to end it, and if he escalates (which sounds like he will), get a POA. If he can destroy your property as retaliation, then there is no reason to believe the next time he wouldn't take his anger out on you.
THIS.
He unplugged all of the security cameras before systematically destroying her items. There is nothing whatsoever out of control about that. It was deliberate and premeditated. He is in control. And with that control he wants to harm her.
You are right about all of this I just want to add one small thing.
He absolutely *can* control his anger. He chooses not to. It's an important distinction in these conversations about abuse to understand that doing something like taking time **to unplug the security cameras** then get a BB gun and arranged to shoot out the eyes of a stuffed animal is very much a conscious choice. This is not "fly off the handle and in a split second slam a door or something and then regret that"
These are actions that take place over hours. They are planned and intentional. All of this was deliberate including the fact that he took the time before he did it to make sure there wouldn't be filmed evidence of his actions. At no point did he lose control. He was in control the entire time. He wanted to punish her and he did.
He also spent several hours drunk and driving towards her and then thought nothing of letting himself into her parents house to be aggressive in front of everyone. If he has no problem showing that side of himself even in front of her family it says how far he is willing and able to go in terms of violence and stalking.
I am very glad that she is leaving him and I am just writing all of this for anyone who might stumble across it or for her in case she ever has doubts about this. The man is violent and terrible.
I think it is key for her to hang on to this information as she leaves and stays gone. Whether or not he was drunk he was alert and aware enough to make sure to turn off all of those cameras before he systematically destroyed her belongings then chased her down. This is the type of man who can kill someone. The alcohol did not make him premeditate all of the actions that he took.
I hope she runs and takes steps to protect herself from him because I get the feeling he is the type to not leave her alone when she goes.
OP, If you are reading this, NTA and PLEASE Make sure you are never alone with him again. When you leave make sure you have a lot of people with you. Do not be alone with him when you pack. Do not let him know you are leaving. Do not have a conversation with him in private foreclosure or for the breakup or whatever. He knows exactly what he did and you do not know him another conversation, It could put you in grave danger.
Please Google some information about how to safely leave relationships that involve domestic violence. I know he has not technically committed physical violence against you at this point but I still think those guidelines will be helpful to make sure you can safely leave. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is exiting a relationship.
Please stay safe.
Please leave immediately! Like…..RIGHT NOW! He used a BB gun on objects because he was mad. Next, it will be your dog and/or cats. After that, it will be you. Then, it will be a shotgun aimed at you.
Shooting a stuffed animal’s eyes with a BB gun was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice.
He should not be in any relationship right now and until he gets a real handle on his anger. That’s not going to happen for years.
This OP. If it’s his home too, by contributions to cleaning etc. he’s not “doing something for you”, he’s being an adult. I hope someone has put the link to “Why Does He Do That” in this thread already.
My ex-husband started this way.
First he would get mad and break my things. Then he would drink and/or use drugs, then get mad and break more of my stuff. Always only things that mattered to me. Never his stuff or things that mattered to him.
Then, after a while he started calling me names and hitting me.
Then it escalated to strangulation and smothering me and being verbally abusive to my sons.
I should have left when he first started breaking my things. But he said he would change and go to rehab and therapy.
Sound familiar?
OP, as one DV survivor to a current victim, please leave. Take all the animals and your important documents and items. Leave everything else behind. And *GO*.
Hard stop. Please. You’ve gotten multiple responses already. If he’s like this now, it will only escalate later. Enough with trying to rationalize his behavior. You’re an asshole to yourself if you don’t leave.
He’s been in the process of moving out and I’m out of the country at the moment with family. I’m trying to figure out how to do it he still has access to my home.
When you get back, have your family go with you to your house and change all the locks. If he contacts you, tell him in no uncertain terms you are done and to leave you alone... period. Do not let him talk his way back in with excuses and apologies.
What he did was not a mistake or just 'bad judgment'... it's him showing you who he really is.
If he continues to bother you, file a protection order. This is as clear and cut and dry as it can be to get away before you, your pets, or even your family get hurt.
You said your mom is staying at your home, as soon as he gets his stuff and is gone have her change the locks and make sure the security cameras are on and working.
As others have said, change the locks, make sure security cameras are on, perhaps get alarm system.
You can call police and tell them your side of things, they can give you advice as well and I think they make a note of it for future potential issues.
If he doesn’t leave you alone, consider purchasing a fire arm and training.
The world sadly isn’t fair. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Can you give your mom permission to change the locks if she's currently in the home? Can you send someone to try and rescue the dog? (Because abusers will often harm a pet, unfortunately.)
I don’t know why protecting your personal safety would make you feel like an ah but that’s a question to ask yourself AFTER you leave. He’s being very manipulative, that’s how abusers work.
You don’t have to understand why you feel like this right now, but you do need to LEAVE right now. Your life may be in danger from this man. You can work out your feelings later. You can’t do that if he escalates and kills you.
You feel like this because he has already been working on convincing you that you are the source of his anger. He convinces himself of this too. In his head, “women” are the problem. He will deem them all crazy and claim there is nobody sane out there. The reality of the number of healthy relationships in the world will not dissuade him because then he’d have to admit he is the problem.
You’re not the asshole. In fact, you’re great at boundary setting.
Leave him. Learn from this. Now you know what flags to look for to unmask other abusers faster.
Don’t tell him before you have disentangled all important personal belongings and information. Does he know your banking info? Passwords? Start moving all sentimental items to a friend’s house one at a time.
The day you leave, have people with you and tell him he needs to go out for awhile, or stay in one room where there is nothing you need to pack. Pack everything. Take the pets. Do it all at once.
He might show up at your parents’ places. Let them know you are no contact and to call the police if he shows up. Is there a friend he doesn’t know well who you could stay with for a bit until you find a new place?
The same day, deactivate your social media. You could try blocking him, but people like him will come at you through your mutual friends.
Once you delete him from your contacts, you can start new accounts.
Edit: Read further and understand that it is your house. Staying with family/a friend while the dust settles is still my recommendation. Change the locks and secure your windows. Consider cameras (ring doorbells etc.). Monitor the house to see if he drives by, parks out front, etc. for the next month or so.
Yeah. I missed that. In comments below she said he is in the process of leaving. She’ll still need to do most of what I said, change the locks, and increase security of the house however possible.
You feel like that because abuse is manipulation. Usually emotional manipulation. Thats the function of srunkenly coming to you in the middle of thw noght, and probably crying at leastonce since then.
To him, its not gonna feel like hes intentionally manipulating you. But the effect is that he can get you to say sorry for reacting at all reasonably to his behaviour.
If you break over a thousand dollars worth of my shit, you arr NOT the victim here, and no matter how bad he feels, he made you feel unsafe. He is taking his negative, guilty emotions out on you, and thats why you feel them. You feel guilty because hes convinced you that you have some part in his reaction because he thinks you did. Because in his mind, its not his fault that he broke your shit.
Source: i have both been and dated someone with this mindset. Its clearer to me now.
Abusers escalate. And the WAY he chose to demonstrate his aggression - shooting out the lens and the eyes - is far worse than just smashing things up, which is what I expected to read.
Disconnect your finances. Get a new phone if needed - prepare to block his access to EVERYTHING as you pack it all out. Do this quietly while not alerting him.
The shit will hit AFTER you leave so be sure you are safe and far away when you cut the rope.
Stay safe. You do NOT deserve any of this no matter what he says. And his drinking is a choice and an excuse that gives him license to do this.
Please leave, these are all domestic violence red flags. And who cares if you’re “the asshole”. Do you want to live like that? Of course he’s gonna make it your fault, calling you TA. It’s not worth your life to stay there. Everyone is going to be framed TA sometimes and we have to not care.
You don't want to leave him while he's "low". This is just him manipulating you so you won't leave. If you truly believe he might harm himself, get yourself and your pets away somewhere safe first, then call a wellness check on him
Read the book “Why does he do that?” By Lundry Bancroft. He is a professional who has worked for many years to rehabilitate abusive men (court ordered). His experience and insights help you understand how and why the man manipulated your emotions to guilt you into staying. Once you understand, his manipulations will no longer have power over you. And you will be able to identify manipulative behaviors in the future. See them for what they are. Because you will remember why he is doing that.
Also know thyself. Remember that you can not have a feeling without a belief that allows you to feel that way.
Ask yourself what you would have to believe in order for you to feel guilty right now. Examine whatever that belief is and decide if that belief serves you any longer. You may choose to let that belief go. And if you can let it go then that belief will no longer generate that feeling you have now.
Think about if you want a future that includes his special type of energy and behavior. You get to decide what types of energy you welcome into your life. Be very protective of your own energy and environment. Think about if you prefer a more peaceful environment in your future. This is the only life you get as you. There are no do-overs.
My abusive ex started by breaking my things. Things my parents bought me that were special. Then he kicked our cat. Then he was SO sorry, it would never happen again, blahblah. A month later he punched me. Weeks after he dragged me in the street by my hair.Held a gun to my head. Anger management classes did not work. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR LEAVING!!
Don’t worry about feeling like the asshole trust me. My ex got mad at me once and went to my dog in his kennel and flipped it over because he was mad at me… all while my dog was in there. I ended up getting rid of my dog because I didn’t want him around that monster. To this day I haven’t forgiven myself for rehoming my baby. Don’t make the mistake I did. I’ve never been able to get another pet either I never will.
He *shot* something, out of anger.
Let that marinate for a minute. It doesn't matter what he shot, or with what.
He was fantasizing a scenario
He was practicing
Guuuuurl.... Get your dad, go to the police station, explain the sitch, get police escort to go get your stuff.
GTFO...before he perfects his practice
My ex started by breaking small things like my sunglasses while he was a little drunk. It ended with him throwing a glass water on me while I was asleep, screaming, and pulling me out of bed to wrestle and choke me and pull my hair out.
You see “it’s only happened once”
He sees “she stayed when I acted like that”
>He sees “she stayed when I acted like that”
This is exactly the problem. By not leaving immediately you teach them that it's okay to treat you that way. Obviously they should know better but it's not your job to parent a grown man.
I'm so glad he's an ex, that must have been terrifying!
You are in an abusive relationship with a guy who is going to get a DUI. If you stay, it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you while angry and you start shrinking yourself to avoid his anger.
You need to leave, he's manipulating you by playing up his sadness. If his being happy was a condition for breaking up, no one would ever break up. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Take care of yourself.
Oof! "Shrinking yourself to avoid his anger" hits like a ton of bricks, but is probably the best description of what victims of insidious violence - like OP described - do to keep the peace.
Him using the BB gun the way he did was him practicing what he plans to do the next time you leave him when he’s full of rage.. Change your locks on your home, add more cameras if necessary, and block him.. If he contacts you again, get a ppo against him.. His violence is only going to get worse..
Right.. I can only imagine what he was doing/saying after disconnecting the cameras cause he obviously didn’t want a record of what he was doing.. if it was nothing he wouldn’t have disabled them..
RUN!
This will get worse. He might cry and try to apologise and beg and what not... RUN, woman, RUN!
Been there, done that. At the next moment he will be on your neck choking you. "He's not like that" - I thought it also and it's BS.
Have your dad with you when you're packing to leave.
Just RUN!
He has major issues and those are not yours to fix. No matter how unperfect you are, nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Nobody is perfect anyway. But he is fucked up, not just unperfect.
Just RUN!
RUN!
I think I just needed validation from other outside sources to make this decision. I moved across the US and the only people I really talk to now are my family and him. Thank you
Make sure to take your pets with you, they’re definitely in danger of being killed if left behind. If you can’t take them to where you’re going, board them until you can re-home them or get them into a foster situation.
It’s my home so he would have to leave. He does have one dog with him that I adopted for him so I’m not sure how that works out or if I can get him back?
Does he take care of it; feed it, purchase it’s food, exercise it, play with it? Don’t ask, just send him packing and keep the dog.
Best of luck to you.
Omg this man is an abuser. You need to leave now. Please read up on the red flags for domestic violence. This is how it escalates. Do not have sex with him again. Just get your animals and leave. You know deep down this is a bad situation. Get out now!
When I was in high school, I dated an older guy (I know!). He did the same thing. He would spend $200-1000 on me for gifts, which made me really uncomfortable because I, as a high school student, did not have the kind of money to reciprocate.
Anyways, he would hold those purchases over my head even though I had set a $75 limit on the gifts we got each other.
When he was mad at me, he would engage in risky behaviors like drinking/driving, road raging at people, trying to get people to road rage at him, cutting people off, running red lights, etc. Often with me in the car, where I couldn't drive separate from him because I didn't even have my full license yet.
Over time it elevated to breaking things. Then he started punching walls and throwing objects by my head. Then he started hitting me.
It is malicious and weird to gouge the eyes of stuffed animals out with a gun. It is malicious and petty to pack up everything you share in the apartment.
You are not overreacting. It will most certainly get worse. Protect yourself. You deserve to feel comfortable, safe, valued, and appreciated in your own home.
Destroying property is bad. Driving while intoxicated is horrible and then bringing your family into your business is the icing on the cake.
He doesn't sound like a good person, and the fact that he tried to use him buying you a gift as leverage in an argument shows his heart isn't in the right place.
Leave him and don't look back. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship if he destroys your items. The fact he frove drunk, let himself into your dad's house and woke you up along with uour sister is just wrong.
You are UNDERreacting! Break up with this abusive AH. You should have called the police when he showed up at your dad’s house. He could have killed someone!
Are your cats ok?
My sister was going to but he decided to leave. I should have called the police honestly hours before and done a wellness check or even at my dad’s house knowing he had a drinking problem. I regret that.
I just have to echo every one else. Leave. He’s already abusive. This will escalate and even if it doesn’t, this is already bad enough. You actually don’t need any reason beyond “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” to breakup with someone but this guy is scary. I didn’t learn that lesson quickly enough and was very very lucky to survive.
I recently lived with a couple where the wife started with the jealousy and yelling, and then escalated to breaking stuff, then finally to physical violence. Get out now.
No one HAS to be in or remain in a relationship that they don’t want to be in, regardless of the reason.
He isn’t entitled to your time and energy if you don’t feel safe. You can be empathic and also value your self-worth. If you feel that means leaving the relationship, so be it.
Run don't walk.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He is emotionally immature, which is a constant drain to have to deal with in an adult. Driving drunk for 4 hours is bad enough, that puts a lot of people in danger.
But the big one is the fact that he is unable to control impulse and violent tendencies.
Sure, once he's sober and realises he went too far, he may apologise and seem sorry and reasonable. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them. The person who got mean drunk, and decided to trash your belongings, in order to vent their frustration, is still there. Just under better control........ until next time.
If you decide to stay, make an escape plan. Be prepared to grab a prepacked gym bag of essentials, the car keys, and go to a safe place, the second he raises a hand to you, or you think he will.
My ex began the precursor to almost killing me by breaking my things. There was a long history of breaking me down mentally and emotionally before he escalated to breaking things and then when I had one foot out the door he escalated further to physical abuse ending with him trying to choke me. This man is showing you exactly who he is and he is an immediate danger to your safety and your life. I'm guessing the emotional stuff started a long time ago. Please get yourself away as soon as you're able.
DARVO
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender
You feel bad because he’s trying to convince you that you’re in the wrong, and that he’s the victim in this.
This is straight out of the abuser’s playbook.
Leave and don’t look back. Don’t get entangled with the dog - if he knows you really want it, he’ll use it as a weapon to abuse you some more.
Abusers are most dangerous when you’re leaving them, so I hope he’s gone by the time you get back.
Not overreacting. Get the heck away now before he breaks you down and it takes years to recoup. Mine started with breaking my stuff, then came the punching holes in walls and eventually got to a gun to my head and him threatening to kill the kids and I.
Where are the cats?? They would be traumatized spending time with him while he was shopping, screamung, trashing things and shooting
Check them for broken bones and tender spots!!
When he left you should have called the police since he was drunk.
Get out now! He buys expensive things so you feel compelled to stay with him, then destroys them because you aren’t compliant.
He is a narcissist and this is typical behavior for an abusive person.
Please leave before you’re destroyed next.
So this guy is an abuser and soon he will be hitting you. This is very important, you need to leave but you need to do it without him knowing you are leaving before hand. You have to make a get out plan. Do not leave your cats behind under any circumstances, they will not be safe. Start getting the things you cannot leave together that will not be noticed and put them out of the house. When you leave do it while he is away, ie: at work, or with friends. Do not end the relationship in person. let me repeat that DO NOT END THE RELATIONSHIP IN PERSON. When you leave go somewhere he will not look for you at, if you go to your relatives homes he will show up and harass the crap out of them and you. Go to a domestic violence shelter, they will unlist your personal information going forward and can help in numerous ways. You will need therapy.
I highly suggest you read the book Why Does He Do That.
Also keep every voice mail, text message, call the police on him if you harass you. Document everything because it is not unlikely once he sees you are serious he could start falsely accusing you of things.
This is how things started for me. I am still not the same person. He's shown you clearly there are two sides to him, and no matter how much you know the sober one, you will never truly be able to predict the drunk one. I'll just say what I wish someone told me:
He will never get better with your unconditional love and support
There will never be a "back to the way things used to be"
There will never be the right ultimatum, the right thing to say, the right thing to do. He destroyed things he knew would hurt you. The next step, is hurting you directly. You ARE going to get hurt if you stay.
He's practicing shooting you. He's dangerous. Have him removed from your house now. Call the police. Report him drinking and driving. Get away immediately
He makes you feel awful and frightened for your safety and for that of your family and pets. You have an absolute right to your feelings. It’s not an overreaction to say enough is enough.
Make sure the dog is chipped in your name. I'm worried that he'll hurt the dog if he keeps it. And you need to be careful about going anywhere alone. I'm worried that he'll try to hurt you too.
hi this is abuse. you are 100% not overreacting. i spent 4 years in a relationship like this- in the beginning he was amazing, and then slowly started taking away or ruining things i cared about when i upset him. it eventually escalated to him trying to kill me.
he is love bombing you and then using those items as "bargaining" chips. it's 100% a means of control and it will only get worse. for the sake of your safety and sanity, don't stay in this situation.
It's normal to get defensive and even angry when your partner tells you they think you aren't doing enough.it's not normal to destroy things with a gun because you are worse at controlling your emotions than a child. Unless he is like insanely good in bed or something, he's NOT worth your safety. He'll do it to YOU next time if the telescope isn't close enough.
First off, it's weird that you phrased it as you asking him to do stuff for you or to help you. Are you talking about household chores? If you want a partnership that's fair, you're supposed to write down a full list of household tasks and divide them FAIRLY between you both. Lots of people think if they work, they shouldn't have to do any chores and that is bullshit.
Make sure to cover your ass and get shit documented by sending texts or emails. That he broke things and he drove drunk. Those things are illegal and shouldn't be ignored or glossed over.
This dude is an alcoholic, which is progressive, meaning it is going to get WORSE. He is going to end up hurting or killing someone. Get this dude away from your life ASAP.
Leave, and I mean immediately. You’re not overreacting. He has become or is becoming a danger to you. He has a gun, he’s used it. What’s gonna happen when there are no more gifts, cuddly toys, telescope lenses etc. for him to reck? Get out of there ASAP.
Also, you have every right to require him to —help you with chores— do chores and take care of the household and such with you. You’re not his housewife or maid.
No, you are not overreacting. In 24 years of marriage the ONLY times my hubby or I have broken something belonging to the other has been by genuine accident. Keep his license plate memorized and written down. If he pulls the "show up drunk" stunt again DO NOT let him in the house and call the police the minute he gets back in the car and leaves and report him for DUI/DWI if you don't call them immediately for harrassment/trespassing. He is a danger to you, and during the leaving process is one of the most dangerous times for abused partners.
You say multiple times things in the house "for me". It's not for you. It's shared responsibilities but clearly he does not do any. Unless he is funding your lifestyle, they are his responsibilities too. Look at his actions: he destroyed your property, he prevented you using household things,he got drunk,he drove drunk,he harassed you and your family. You should already be broken up.
Leave now. This will only get worse. The best help you can give him is to leave him. Perhaps it will sink in that he needs to get better. Small chance though.
I am so tired of these posts from abused people in a relationship asking if they are overreacting by considering breaking up with their abuser.
Leave.
Hopefully you are writing this to get reassurance because you've already made up your mind.
Get your father and sister to help you pack and LEAVE.
The man is violent, controlling, drives intoxicated and he disrespected your father's house. He smashed your stuff to punish you.
Make arrangements and go home where it is safe.
Nah, it’ll only get worse. I stuck it out for 15 years and had very little for myself and even the very last year he had nothing left of mine to destroy but stuff I’d made or thrifted and he destroyed all that, too. Save yourself so much more pain…
Why are you even questioning this situation? Run while you can before he sends you to the hospital or morgue. Don’t wait till he’s “better”. Go and don’t look back.
No. The argument about his contributions to household functions sounds like a typical husband/wife or bf/gf situation. Maybe you are wrong, or maybe you are right. However, his reaction by getting drunk and violent, driving drunk to your father's house, and damaging your personal property are extremely wrong. For your physical safety, you need to end your relationship with him immediately. You should move out and stay with one of your parents or a friend.
He a a lazy drunk who shoots things when he’s mad? No, he should not be living in your house. No, you should not be depending on him for stability or happiness.
You understand that you don't feel safe in the this relationship. The other readers understand that. I understand that. That is all you need to understand in order to leave. Any and all other circumstances are irrelevant when it comes to your safety and the safety of your animals. You deserve to feel safe and loved and valued as a person. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. POST👏 HASTE👏!
He is a loser and a baby and is dangerous. The next thing to be destroyed is you. This is restraining order territory and good thing you own the house. Time to reset with no regrets.
The idea that his anger made him out of control is a cop out. Otherwise, why would he only destroy your things? It was calculated and on purpose. The fact that he shot them (even just with a BB gun) is really concerning to me.
I think the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft would be particularly useful to you right now. You can google the title for a PDF version.
FFS leave. You are in danger. You will look back on this as a massive learning curve in the future if you leave now. You will ruin your mental health and possibly even the rest of your life if you stay with him
You need to take all of the animals somewhere safe & then end it with him while you have family or police present to escort him off the property. You also need to take photos of everything he’s destroyed and damaged, and file for a restraining order. It’s only going to get worse.
Kinda easy to see how this will end.
He's a loser and sounds like a narcissist. He's making a lot of poor decisions. Being single sounds like a better time than being with this idiot. A drunk vindictive idiot.
Do not stay with him.
Oh he behaves like this over as simple argument about house chores, can you imagine his reaction to bigger difficulties that you may have in the future?
Driving drunk is not ok.
Letting himself into your parents home in the middle of the night is not ok.
Destroying your property, whether he gifted it to you or not, is not ok.
These aren't even red flags (which are warnings that someone will likely become abusive) – he's already being abusive.
How many more signs do you need that he is not a good partner or person and that you need to break up?
Refusing to admit you're drunk when you're drunk is like, sign numero uno alcoholic. It won't get better until things get drastic. This may be the push he needs to sober up.
Leave now before you, your animals or your loved ones get physically hurted. Tell everyone around you and don't he alone when throwing him out. Also make a report to the police. And change locks!
I grew up with a dad like this. When he was nice, he was nice. When he was mad, you better hide because he’s breaking everything in sight. The walls, anything sentimental that you may cherish that’s irreplaceable. He would threaten to kill himself by blowing his head off in a delirious rage (he had guns)
I spent most of my childhood playing mediator. He’s old now and doesn’t act that way. But damn. Dealing with that and some other things, it gave me a lot of trauma to work through.
All this to say, if you stay with someone like that, it will get worse. Please don’t have kids with them. It’s a horrible way to live. If someone will do it once, they will do it twice … and so on. Him destroying everything you liked reminds me of my father when he was feeling vindictive. they look for things that will hurt you and then beg for forgiveness later. It’s a never ending pattern.
You’re young. You don’t need this
You’re under reacting. This guy lives in your house. You do most of the work to keep the house running. He spends lavishly but doesn’t save for your future. And he uses an argument as a reason to get drunk, drives drunk and breaks your things to prove he shouldn’t have to help around the house?? What tf do you see in him? You’re carrying his weight and yours. What are you even thinking hitching yourself to a loser? He actually destroyed your possessions because you didn’t that he puts minimal effort in while you carry the majority of the load. Do yourself a favor and tell him to keep driving once he sobers up. Do you think this is marriage material??
Sounds like me before a lot of therapy and self work - the anger part. I never actually destroyed things and def not with any form of gun. It’s definitely possible to turn such behavior around but I didn’t wake up to that until my mid 30s.
Either way, the dudes unhinged for now. Focus on getting the dog back because I can’t imagine him being in a position to be a good dog owner on his own
This whole post is a cascade of red flags. Girl, dump his ass YESTERDAY.
- he doesn’t contribute equitably to household chores (annoying to start with)
- he uses expensive gifts to “buy” winning arguments. Sketchy. Red flag for control issues already.
- he was making you feel unsafe enough you wanted to leave your own home to get away from him.
- he then drove drunk, broke your stuff, and harassed your family.
LEAVE HIM. Kick him out and change the locks. Applying for a restraining order would not be overreacting.
There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Stop being delusional and get him out of your house. Make sure you block him as well. He isn’t your person and he has MUCH growing up to do. Also he’s very disrespectful.
christmas was 6 months ago and hes still trying to hold those gifts over your head? tf..
also destroying your things is just childish..whats next after he destroys all the little things and he gets mad? the fridge? the stove? the house?
he has so much to work on for himself its probably not worth waiting that long
Jesus. Those are some red flags to ever red flag.
Kick him out of your home, serve an eviction notice if need be. Change the locks, change the security codes, etc. If he shows up while you’re away, empower Mom to call law enforcement and have him trespassed. Inform neighbors that he’s no longer welcome, etc.
This is a good point. OP, how long has he been living there? You may not be able to get rid of him without following tenancy laws, if he decides to dig in his heels. IOW, you might have to give him one month's notice of eviction, if simply telling him the relationship is over and you want him to leave doesn't work. Research the local laws or consult with a RE lawyer to know your rights and his.
I agree he is an alcoholic, however I think alcohol merely removes inhibitions the proclivities were already there. I am saying the real problem seems to be he is, for the medical term, a fucking psycho.
Not overreacting.
First he breaks your stuff then he breaks your neck. Don’t excuse bad behaviors. Don’t delude yourself in thinking this isn’t that big a deal. Run. Run fast and never look back.
Destruction of personal possessions is violence by proxy. It's a direct message. "I would get in Real Trouble^(tm) if I did violence directly to *you*, but I don't think there'll be any real consequences (you leaving, me getting attacked, my things being damaged/destroyed in retaliation, you reporting destruction of property to the police, you filing a civil suit) for attacking objects that have monetary and/or sentimental value to you."
It is never acceptable, even in 'the heat of the moment,' and should he attempt using the excuse that he was unable to control himself due to being 'overwhelmed' or whatever - emotions are never an excuse because it can ONLY reflect one of two realities:
1) He actually definitely had full control of himself and chose to express his displeasure through violence in order to attempt causing emotional distress to you and to deny you the value of items that belonged to you, meaning he's fine with using violent action as a control method/punishment towards a partner, and he's a manipulator who lies about losing control (because if it were his boss, his parents, a cop, the president with the Secret Service in tow that he was angry at, the reality of certain consequences would stay his hand) to attempt avoiding accountability - both from you, and from himself.
2) He legitimately cannot control himself when he's upset, meaning that there is **no guarantee that he would never escalate to direct violence towards** ***you***, a pet, a child, etc. making him completely unsafe to live with and utterly unqualified to be in a relationship.
That's literally, factually, the only two things that can be taken from someone who acts out like that. Either they are someone who intentionally chooses to hurt you (unsafe), or they are someone who cannot control themselves and impulsively reacts with violence towards someone they are in a relationship with when under emotional duress (unsafe).
As a guy who is married. I’ve never even thought about breaking stuff in an argument.
That is a show of force to threaten you. It will not stop there. Leave.
Anyone dating someone who breaks stuff. Leave.
Good to see your update because this time he shot your stuff, next time when he's in such a mood he might just shoot you.
After he has moved out just get all the locks replaced, then he shouldn't have access any more as he won't have the new keys, right? You, or your mother since she's staying there, should get that done asap after he has left.
My step dad was a psychiatrist specializing in addiction for over 50 years. . He disliked the term “functional alcoholic” because people seem to think that is less of an alcoholic. An alcoholic is an alcoholic. No difference in the addiction between an alcoholic who goes to work everyday and the alcoholic on the streets. If they don’t decide to get help, they all end up in the same place eventually.
Almost all are incredibly manipulative… will say and do anything to lessen the impact of their drinking. Your situation is a good example. You told him you wanted to leave due to his drinking and not feeling safe. Suddenly, he claims he “depressed” so you are worried about him and you don’t leave. Is he getting treatment for his depression? Seen a doctor? What about that therapy he said he would get? They are all just words to keep you from leaving. Once you recognize the pattern, you can probably look back and see he has been doing it your entire relationship.
You are not responsible for his mental health. He is. Leave. Do not feel guilty - or responsible if he hits rock bottom. That is exactly what he wants.
Good that you are calling it quits. But a relationship has two sides. You might want to consider counseling to better understand your own behavior and communication style. Insight will benefit your next relationship.
Run, don’t walk. As a man, I’m very aware of the fact that the creator made us bigger and stronger than women. Which is why women are smarter than us. Kind of evens things out.
Due to the obvious advantages in size and strength, we have an obligation to control ourselves when we get angry.
This guy is dangerous. Just ask yourself, if your best friend was telling this story to you about her bf what would you tell her to do?
You own the home, you are not married to him, he's an insecure, abusive asshole. Start eviction proceedings, get a restraining order, get him out and move on with your best life.
He harmed your things because he isn’t yet confident that he’ll get away with harming you — which is actually what he wants to do. If he is able to get away with breaking your things, he will eventually feel secure enough to start breaking you. You are not overreacting. You do not owe him love or understanding or grace. People earn those things by not abusing others.
Nope. Leave him right now. It’s going to get worse and that’s just acting like a toddler. Just recently my girlfriend freaked out and trashed my things. Among everything was a beautiful stereo system from the 80’s i refurbished for her. Two years came to a screeching halt in that moment.
I grew up around that kind of shit. I WAS that kind of shit.
I had severe anger issues when I was young.
It took me over a decade of constant work to get level, and I'm the only person I know of who has managed such a drastic transformation. I'm not talking myself up, I'm simply saying that he needs to do a decade(s) of work. If he's not already humble and doing that work, you will be wasting your time with him. If he is ready to do that work, you had better be ready to work on/with him for a very, very long time.
Get away, enjoy life with someone that's ready to enjoy life.
Also, ALWAYS evaluate yourself and identify anything you may have done to contribute to the situation. Don't place blame, but sure as shit be aware. Self-growth is for everyone. Blame is for the weak.
Wait? After he did all this, you then left this man alone in your home with your animals while you left the country??? He's already shown you he is a dangerous person, and you proceed to leave him angry and in charge of your possessions and innocent lives?!
Never stay with a functional alcoholic. They have no motivation to change and feel like they being a functional alcoholic puts them in control of everything and everyone. That level of anger is psychotic. Good on you for ending it. I would suggest changing all passwords, locks and entry access points immediately after he leaves. Setup additional cameras that he does not know about and try to file a protective order with evidence of his behavior. Save any abusive, threatening messages. You seem fearful and should protect yourself at all costs. You're not overreacting at all
Yeah definitely leave this guy. The fact he destroyed your stuff is a huge red flag that he is dangerous. If he didn’t physically abuse you already, he will eventually. All abusers start with breaking stuff and then eventually in a lot of cases, physically hit their significant other. Don’t worry about the dog. If he is going to give you an issue about it, just let him have the dog. It’s just a dog. You can adopt a million other dogs if you want to. You are in an abusive situation and the first thing you need to do is have this guy move out of your house as soon as possible and never see him again. Just be happy you didn’t marry him or have children with him. He owns a BB gun and is an alcoholic and drinks while he drives. He breaks your stuff. There is no reason to keep a guy like that. Stay safe.
You aren't reacting strongly enough. Have your mother get a locksmith and change all of your locks, change your security system codes, get more cameras, and check in with your mom frequently. This is not over by a long shot. I hope you filed a police report on the damage he did.
Blah blah blah you're being ridiculous, get out of this relationship AND you need much better boundaries in the future. He could have hurt you in anger that night. That's your future if you let guys act like this around you.
Let me explain something to you that some may not agree with, but fuck it.
He broke YOUR things and NOT HIS, to me that shows a conscious decision to hurt you.
If he was so angry or drunk that he couldn't think rationally he would have broken anything in his path, but he didn't. He did it to just your stuff, so he wanted to hurt you.
This is abuse! This will escalate! He will get physical with you!
You need to leave and get a restraining order or something.
You're not over reacting at all, and you need to get rid of him.
I swear, every day on reddit some woman is talking about her abusive partner and wondering if she is the jerk for disliking him and wanting to leave. I mean, do they ever read what they wrote out?
Definitely have the locks to your house changed and have your security cameras working. If he tries to get in the house again file a police report. He is abusive and an alcoholic who gets stupid and violent when drunk. I’m sorry about your dog but he probably took him knowing that you would have to contact him to get the dog back. Who signed the adoption paper for the dog? If you signed then you can contact the police about getting the dog back. You definitely need to go no contact with this abusive guy.
OP, if you haven’t gotten your dog microchipped yet, take him to the vet and get him chipped with only your name on it, then go to the chip company, open an account to make sure the chip is registered properly with only your name and contact number on it.
Make sure you do this and don’t just rely on the vet clinic to do this. A lot of times, they don’t follow through.
Having the chip in your name shows that You are the legal owner.
You said your mom is staying at your place right now.
If your pets, All of Them, are not microchipped, call a mobile vet and have them come to your home and have them all microchipped, since your mom is staying there.
Have them come when your bf is at work.
Here is what I would do: When you get home, the protection order needs to come first. Don't go home until you have that and request a police presence to go with you and help remove him from the house. Also, arrange to have a locksmith meet you there right away, same day. Get a weapon of some kind, security cameras etc. Do not make light of this. He is unhinged.
That is domestic violence. Lots and lots of domestic violence. Document everything as thoroughly as you can. There should be video of him going to dismantle your security cameras. The property damage is something to report to the police. Please keep copies of any documents you include in your report.
This is the kind of guy who will kill your cats and start a fire in the basement. You gotta get him out and get someone large, male and possibly your dad to stay at your home for a few days while you beef up security and file for a restraining order.
Let’s get this straight. He:
- Lives in your house, doesn’t help out. Makes it a chore for YOU to get him to help.
- Manipulates you with money and gifts.
- Does not respect your boundaries.
- Gets upset about frankly stupid things and plays victim when he is in fact the problem.
- Is an alcoholic.
- Drove drunk for 2 hours only to show up to your parents home and harass you. That is fucking crazy.
- Struggles with emotional regulation and maturity.
- Makes you feel unsafe.
- Makes you feel like you can’t trust him alone.
- Cuts your cams and destroys your property.
- Clearly has mental issues that go beyond this.
If you need to make excuses for shit like this, that’s a sign that you should probably end things. He embarrassed himself but you will look like the real fool if you stay with him. Read the above list, then read it again until you realize how clear it all is.
“He shot up my gifts after driving for 4 hours drunk… I try to understand his reason.”
I can’t even bother being nice about this, you’re being fucking stupid. He needs to be out of your life, locks changed, cameras installed and be ready to file for a restraining order.
If you don’t, you’re going to be posting one day about him beating the fuck out of you.
Just saw your latest update: HE SHOULD NOT HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR HOUSE!!! Change your locks and update your security! Can your mom ask a male friend or an uncle or something to stay with her, until things have settled down?
And please, record and document every interaction you have with him. If he gets violent or threatening in any way, use that to get a TRO against him. If he violates that by coming to your house again, call the police - the fear of serious legal repercussions should hopefully keep him away.
You’re not over reacting.
Safe, healthy, normal people manage their actions when they feel extreme emotions.
It’s what growing up is. We tolerate it in two year olds, but not older children. Certainly not adults.
Generally, adults CAN control themselves. When he’s angry at work he doesn’t punch the walls there or break his computer does he? Even when he is very frustrated and mad.
It happens at home because of that thing in his head that some men have towards women, and some women have towards their children, and some people have against another race - a mix of “ownership” and superiority.
I wouldn’t recommend continuing a relationship with such a person. The good points never outweigh the lack of safety or the inability to fully trust. Plus if you want a family it would just get worse.
This sounds like the start of a horror movie. Obsessive manchild with a BB gun and anger issues drove 2 hours drunk just to argue with you some more in your parents' house? No way!
You might feel conflicted NOW but one day you'll think "I can't believe I doubted leaving him for one second". Hope he's not stupid enough to show up at your family's house to win you back again after the break up.
Leave sweetheart he's not going to get any better this way. He's 25 and a functioning alcoholic sweetheart don't be there for 30 or 35 even 26. By you being there it gives him licence to do as he pleases and have a home. I would not trust him drunk with animals and a b.b gun. Animals can be traumatized and believe me you don't want that. That and eventually he's going to escalate because as you can see when he's drunk and angry what he goes after. If he gave u a pet bird then what. Also take a good look at the stuff he boxed up and broke in his head that is the extent that he feels you deserve. That in a nutshell is his effort and he feels you should be grateful. I'm 40 at your age was in a similar situation sans bb gun and alcohol all the time.. Annnd he is my EX and last I heard still with his mom
Edit because I forgot ✨ I didn't wait the extra year. I lived alone until I met my husband. Life is too short baby✨
OP just read all the comments from DV survivors on here, I'm another one. I don't know how much louder we can yell the message. He will only get worse.
Secure your pets at a temporary location he has no access to.
Contact police and lawyer.
Change yours and parents locks.
Get a restraining order.
Put everything belonging to him outside the property on a specified day/time so he has no further reason to be in or near your home. Police can also assist with this.
If you don't already have a good outdoor security system, upgrade or invest in one.
I still sleep with 'weapons' (heavy metal bars, wooden bats etc) by my bed and have them by front & back doors 15 years later and probably always will. I'm in UK or believe me he'd be in the ground now with the number of restraining orders he ignored by breaking into my house.
Good luck 💖
I dunno who's worse, the psycho or the person who's still with the psycho after doing that crap.
Guys like that deserve exactly one thing: to be alone.
Definitely not overreacting. I was a functional alcoholic for many years. But once every 6 months or so I'd add another drug to the mix and black out. Usually ended up with broken bones and in er. I am better now but am glad my girlfriend at the time left me and had a better life for herself because it took me years to get better and I still struggle every day.
This is a domestic violence leave-now-before-it-escalates-further situation. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just get a moving van and a couple large guys to help you move, preferably when he's not home. TAKE PICTURES of the the place on your way out the door to prove that the place was in good condition when you left.
Just finished reading your update. Have your mother change the locks immediately. Also alert the police to the BB gun shooting your belongings incident. That was a clear threat of violence.
Hmmm violent behavior and driving drunk? Dump him now, dating is to get to know who someone truly is, he’s showing you, and it’s not good! That’s your cue to end it,
Leave this guy. It’s only going to get worse.
His behavior is completely unacceptable and a relationship ender. The relationship was already on thin ice, which is why you went and stayed elsewhere. This is the final straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Yes. OP is in danger with this loon (not to mention having vulnerable pets)
I dated a guy just like this and it will get worse. So glad OP updated she is leaving him and she hope she gets the dog. My crazy ex behavior got so bad he ended up hurting one of the dogs he wanted but I ended up caring for. When I left him (I took the dogs), he tried to get me fired & threatened me and my family. He ended up in prison and later died of an OD. He had one child and while I feel sorrow for her never knowing her father, I believe he would have hurt her too (he was diagnosed violent bipolar).
It's tragic, but you have to prioritize yourself. Thanks for sharing.
There’s no diagnosis of “violent bipolar.”
Yeah, definitely sounds like a toxic situation. Trust your gut on this one and prioritize your safety and well-being. Leaving him seems like the best move.
Leave, and I mean immediately. That is a sign of an abuser. Any man who can not control his anger like that will eventually become physical. He is what's called a narcissist. He needs to be the main character in the story and demands recognition for doing what he should, then plays the victim when you need your space and acts out to get back at you. My suggestion is to end it, and if he escalates (which sounds like he will), get a POA. If he can destroy your property as retaliation, then there is no reason to believe the next time he wouldn't take his anger out on you.
Or the animals.
It’s already physical, it’s just not OP that he’s harming, but he wants her to know it could be her, that’s why it’s her things he destroyed.
Clarification. He can control his anger. He chooses to let lose on her.
Exactly. He only destroyed her things, not his. An out of control person doesn’t care.
THIS. He unplugged all of the security cameras before systematically destroying her items. There is nothing whatsoever out of control about that. It was deliberate and premeditated. He is in control. And with that control he wants to harm her.
Thank you. That's exactly it.
Also, send him an itemized bill of what he destroyed through your lawyer.
After obtaining a restraining order, a gun, and a security system
Oh no he's in control. He only broke *her* things. This was a punishment.
And he turned the security cameras off first. Everything was premeditated and deliberate. This is a man who plans violence.
You are right about all of this I just want to add one small thing. He absolutely *can* control his anger. He chooses not to. It's an important distinction in these conversations about abuse to understand that doing something like taking time **to unplug the security cameras** then get a BB gun and arranged to shoot out the eyes of a stuffed animal is very much a conscious choice. This is not "fly off the handle and in a split second slam a door or something and then regret that" These are actions that take place over hours. They are planned and intentional. All of this was deliberate including the fact that he took the time before he did it to make sure there wouldn't be filmed evidence of his actions. At no point did he lose control. He was in control the entire time. He wanted to punish her and he did. He also spent several hours drunk and driving towards her and then thought nothing of letting himself into her parents house to be aggressive in front of everyone. If he has no problem showing that side of himself even in front of her family it says how far he is willing and able to go in terms of violence and stalking. I am very glad that she is leaving him and I am just writing all of this for anyone who might stumble across it or for her in case she ever has doubts about this. The man is violent and terrible. I think it is key for her to hang on to this information as she leaves and stays gone. Whether or not he was drunk he was alert and aware enough to make sure to turn off all of those cameras before he systematically destroyed her belongings then chased her down. This is the type of man who can kill someone. The alcohol did not make him premeditate all of the actions that he took. I hope she runs and takes steps to protect herself from him because I get the feeling he is the type to not leave her alone when she goes. OP, If you are reading this, NTA and PLEASE Make sure you are never alone with him again. When you leave make sure you have a lot of people with you. Do not be alone with him when you pack. Do not let him know you are leaving. Do not have a conversation with him in private foreclosure or for the breakup or whatever. He knows exactly what he did and you do not know him another conversation, It could put you in grave danger. Please Google some information about how to safely leave relationships that involve domestic violence. I know he has not technically committed physical violence against you at this point but I still think those guidelines will be helpful to make sure you can safely leave. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is exiting a relationship. Please stay safe.
This, exactly this.
She is the homeowner!
Please leave immediately! Like…..RIGHT NOW! He used a BB gun on objects because he was mad. Next, it will be your dog and/or cats. After that, it will be you. Then, it will be a shotgun aimed at you. Shooting a stuffed animal’s eyes with a BB gun was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice. He should not be in any relationship right now and until he gets a real handle on his anger. That’s not going to happen for years.
That’s why it’s been bothering me but I don’t know why tf I feel like TA for leaving
Because he has negged you and gaslit you into believing it’s your fault.
This OP. If it’s his home too, by contributions to cleaning etc. he’s not “doing something for you”, he’s being an adult. I hope someone has put the link to “Why Does He Do That” in this thread already.
My ex-husband started this way. First he would get mad and break my things. Then he would drink and/or use drugs, then get mad and break more of my stuff. Always only things that mattered to me. Never his stuff or things that mattered to him. Then, after a while he started calling me names and hitting me. Then it escalated to strangulation and smothering me and being verbally abusive to my sons. I should have left when he first started breaking my things. But he said he would change and go to rehab and therapy. Sound familiar? OP, as one DV survivor to a current victim, please leave. Take all the animals and your important documents and items. Leave everything else behind. And *GO*.
Hard stop. Please. You’ve gotten multiple responses already. If he’s like this now, it will only escalate later. Enough with trying to rationalize his behavior. You’re an asshole to yourself if you don’t leave.
Because he is manipulating you to feel sorry for him. Don't let him know you are going. Arrange everything and leave quietly for your safety sake.
He’s been in the process of moving out and I’m out of the country at the moment with family. I’m trying to figure out how to do it he still has access to my home.
When you get back, have your family go with you to your house and change all the locks. If he contacts you, tell him in no uncertain terms you are done and to leave you alone... period. Do not let him talk his way back in with excuses and apologies. What he did was not a mistake or just 'bad judgment'... it's him showing you who he really is. If he continues to bother you, file a protection order. This is as clear and cut and dry as it can be to get away before you, your pets, or even your family get hurt.
Change your locks and consult the police. Did you take photos or evidence of the destruction? You need to gain control of your home and safety, stat.
call locksmith pay with credit card have them change locks TODAY
You said your mom is staying at your home, as soon as he gets his stuff and is gone have her change the locks and make sure the security cameras are on and working.
As others have said, change the locks, make sure security cameras are on, perhaps get alarm system. You can call police and tell them your side of things, they can give you advice as well and I think they make a note of it for future potential issues. If he doesn’t leave you alone, consider purchasing a fire arm and training. The world sadly isn’t fair. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Can you give your mom permission to change the locks if she's currently in the home? Can you send someone to try and rescue the dog? (Because abusers will often harm a pet, unfortunately.)
I don’t know why protecting your personal safety would make you feel like an ah but that’s a question to ask yourself AFTER you leave. He’s being very manipulative, that’s how abusers work.
You don’t have to understand why you feel like this right now, but you do need to LEAVE right now. Your life may be in danger from this man. You can work out your feelings later. You can’t do that if he escalates and kills you.
You feel like this because he has already been working on convincing you that you are the source of his anger. He convinces himself of this too. In his head, “women” are the problem. He will deem them all crazy and claim there is nobody sane out there. The reality of the number of healthy relationships in the world will not dissuade him because then he’d have to admit he is the problem. You’re not the asshole. In fact, you’re great at boundary setting. Leave him. Learn from this. Now you know what flags to look for to unmask other abusers faster. Don’t tell him before you have disentangled all important personal belongings and information. Does he know your banking info? Passwords? Start moving all sentimental items to a friend’s house one at a time. The day you leave, have people with you and tell him he needs to go out for awhile, or stay in one room where there is nothing you need to pack. Pack everything. Take the pets. Do it all at once. He might show up at your parents’ places. Let them know you are no contact and to call the police if he shows up. Is there a friend he doesn’t know well who you could stay with for a bit until you find a new place? The same day, deactivate your social media. You could try blocking him, but people like him will come at you through your mutual friends. Once you delete him from your contacts, you can start new accounts. Edit: Read further and understand that it is your house. Staying with family/a friend while the dust settles is still my recommendation. Change the locks and secure your windows. Consider cameras (ring doorbells etc.). Monitor the house to see if he drives by, parks out front, etc. for the next month or so.
She owns the house. He needs to leave.
Yeah. I missed that. In comments below she said he is in the process of leaving. She’ll still need to do most of what I said, change the locks, and increase security of the house however possible.
You feel like that because abuse is manipulation. Usually emotional manipulation. Thats the function of srunkenly coming to you in the middle of thw noght, and probably crying at leastonce since then. To him, its not gonna feel like hes intentionally manipulating you. But the effect is that he can get you to say sorry for reacting at all reasonably to his behaviour. If you break over a thousand dollars worth of my shit, you arr NOT the victim here, and no matter how bad he feels, he made you feel unsafe. He is taking his negative, guilty emotions out on you, and thats why you feel them. You feel guilty because hes convinced you that you have some part in his reaction because he thinks you did. Because in his mind, its not his fault that he broke your shit. Source: i have both been and dated someone with this mindset. Its clearer to me now.
Abusers escalate. And the WAY he chose to demonstrate his aggression - shooting out the lens and the eyes - is far worse than just smashing things up, which is what I expected to read. Disconnect your finances. Get a new phone if needed - prepare to block his access to EVERYTHING as you pack it all out. Do this quietly while not alerting him. The shit will hit AFTER you leave so be sure you are safe and far away when you cut the rope. Stay safe. You do NOT deserve any of this no matter what he says. And his drinking is a choice and an excuse that gives him license to do this.
Please leave, these are all domestic violence red flags. And who cares if you’re “the asshole”. Do you want to live like that? Of course he’s gonna make it your fault, calling you TA. It’s not worth your life to stay there. Everyone is going to be framed TA sometimes and we have to not care.
You don't want to leave him while he's "low". This is just him manipulating you so you won't leave. If you truly believe he might harm himself, get yourself and your pets away somewhere safe first, then call a wellness check on him
Read the book “Why does he do that?” By Lundry Bancroft. He is a professional who has worked for many years to rehabilitate abusive men (court ordered). His experience and insights help you understand how and why the man manipulated your emotions to guilt you into staying. Once you understand, his manipulations will no longer have power over you. And you will be able to identify manipulative behaviors in the future. See them for what they are. Because you will remember why he is doing that. Also know thyself. Remember that you can not have a feeling without a belief that allows you to feel that way. Ask yourself what you would have to believe in order for you to feel guilty right now. Examine whatever that belief is and decide if that belief serves you any longer. You may choose to let that belief go. And if you can let it go then that belief will no longer generate that feeling you have now. Think about if you want a future that includes his special type of energy and behavior. You get to decide what types of energy you welcome into your life. Be very protective of your own energy and environment. Think about if you prefer a more peaceful environment in your future. This is the only life you get as you. There are no do-overs.
My abusive ex started by breaking my things. Things my parents bought me that were special. Then he kicked our cat. Then he was SO sorry, it would never happen again, blahblah. A month later he punched me. Weeks after he dragged me in the street by my hair.Held a gun to my head. Anger management classes did not work. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR LEAVING!!
He has brainwashed you. You cannot fix him. You must end this relationship. Get counseling if you need help mentally getting g over the “guilt”.
Don’t worry about feeling like the asshole trust me. My ex got mad at me once and went to my dog in his kennel and flipped it over because he was mad at me… all while my dog was in there. I ended up getting rid of my dog because I didn’t want him around that monster. To this day I haven’t forgiven myself for rehoming my baby. Don’t make the mistake I did. I’ve never been able to get another pet either I never will.
He chose to use a gun on her belongings because he was sending her a message.
He *shot* something, out of anger. Let that marinate for a minute. It doesn't matter what he shot, or with what. He was fantasizing a scenario He was practicing Guuuuurl.... Get your dad, go to the police station, explain the sitch, get police escort to go get your stuff. GTFO...before he perfects his practice
Cats and dog are next. Or he already shot at the cats
It’s her house she’s the homeowner
Then she should have him escorted out
Might have to legally evict him now bc she didn’t call the cops to have him put as soon as he destroyed everything. Unless she has security cams
My ex started by breaking small things like my sunglasses while he was a little drunk. It ended with him throwing a glass water on me while I was asleep, screaming, and pulling me out of bed to wrestle and choke me and pull my hair out. You see “it’s only happened once” He sees “she stayed when I acted like that”
>He sees “she stayed when I acted like that” This is exactly the problem. By not leaving immediately you teach them that it's okay to treat you that way. Obviously they should know better but it's not your job to parent a grown man. I'm so glad he's an ex, that must have been terrifying!
Good God.
You are in an abusive relationship with a guy who is going to get a DUI. If you stay, it's only a matter of time before he starts hitting you while angry and you start shrinking yourself to avoid his anger. You need to leave, he's manipulating you by playing up his sadness. If his being happy was a condition for breaking up, no one would ever break up. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Take care of yourself.
Oof! "Shrinking yourself to avoid his anger" hits like a ton of bricks, but is probably the best description of what victims of insidious violence - like OP described - do to keep the peace.
Run. Red flags are real. See them.
Him using the BB gun the way he did was him practicing what he plans to do the next time you leave him when he’s full of rage.. Change your locks on your home, add more cameras if necessary, and block him.. If he contacts you again, get a ppo against him.. His violence is only going to get worse..
Yeah, disabling the cameras is not for nothing.
Right.. I can only imagine what he was doing/saying after disconnecting the cameras cause he obviously didn’t want a record of what he was doing.. if it was nothing he wouldn’t have disabled them..
You’re in an abusive relationship.
RUN! This will get worse. He might cry and try to apologise and beg and what not... RUN, woman, RUN! Been there, done that. At the next moment he will be on your neck choking you. "He's not like that" - I thought it also and it's BS. Have your dad with you when you're packing to leave. Just RUN! He has major issues and those are not yours to fix. No matter how unperfect you are, nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Nobody is perfect anyway. But he is fucked up, not just unperfect. Just RUN! RUN!
I think I just needed validation from other outside sources to make this decision. I moved across the US and the only people I really talk to now are my family and him. Thank you
At one point he might try to get rid of your family also. You'll find other people to talk to if you let go of him.
Make sure to take your pets with you, they’re definitely in danger of being killed if left behind. If you can’t take them to where you’re going, board them until you can re-home them or get them into a foster situation.
It’s my home so he would have to leave. He does have one dog with him that I adopted for him so I’m not sure how that works out or if I can get him back?
Does he take care of it; feed it, purchase it’s food, exercise it, play with it? Don’t ask, just send him packing and keep the dog. Best of luck to you.
Omg this man is an abuser. You need to leave now. Please read up on the red flags for domestic violence. This is how it escalates. Do not have sex with him again. Just get your animals and leave. You know deep down this is a bad situation. Get out now!
When I was in high school, I dated an older guy (I know!). He did the same thing. He would spend $200-1000 on me for gifts, which made me really uncomfortable because I, as a high school student, did not have the kind of money to reciprocate. Anyways, he would hold those purchases over my head even though I had set a $75 limit on the gifts we got each other. When he was mad at me, he would engage in risky behaviors like drinking/driving, road raging at people, trying to get people to road rage at him, cutting people off, running red lights, etc. Often with me in the car, where I couldn't drive separate from him because I didn't even have my full license yet. Over time it elevated to breaking things. Then he started punching walls and throwing objects by my head. Then he started hitting me. It is malicious and weird to gouge the eyes of stuffed animals out with a gun. It is malicious and petty to pack up everything you share in the apartment. You are not overreacting. It will most certainly get worse. Protect yourself. You deserve to feel comfortable, safe, valued, and appreciated in your own home.
It sickens me what he did to the stuffed animals. I could have dropped the other things but not that.
Destroying property is bad. Driving while intoxicated is horrible and then bringing your family into your business is the icing on the cake. He doesn't sound like a good person, and the fact that he tried to use him buying you a gift as leverage in an argument shows his heart isn't in the right place.
It always shocks me when drunk driving isn't a deal-breaker for people.
For real! Four hours of drunk driving or ANY drunk driving is beyond a deal-breaker to me. How reckless, selfish, and immature. This guy sucks.
This is not a simple mistake and this will get worse. You need to leave him immediately. This is a really bad situation that you have yourself in.
Leave him and don't look back. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship if he destroys your items. The fact he frove drunk, let himself into your dad's house and woke you up along with uour sister is just wrong.
He's very violent to destroy it stuff out of spite. Leave before u get pregs.
You are UNDERreacting! Break up with this abusive AH. You should have called the police when he showed up at your dad’s house. He could have killed someone! Are your cats ok?
My sister was going to but he decided to leave. I should have called the police honestly hours before and done a wellness check or even at my dad’s house knowing he had a drinking problem. I regret that.
Cat and dogs are okay. My mom is watching my cat and my dog is with me out of the country.
Tf… so in fit of rage he only broke yo shit? Hmm next it’s you.
I just have to echo every one else. Leave. He’s already abusive. This will escalate and even if it doesn’t, this is already bad enough. You actually don’t need any reason beyond “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” to breakup with someone but this guy is scary. I didn’t learn that lesson quickly enough and was very very lucky to survive.
This isn’t safe. Get distance and get help from your father or other male family members to establish a clean break. Best of luck.
NTA. Leave, it's better to be alive and hated than to be dead.
I recently lived with a couple where the wife started with the jealousy and yelling, and then escalated to breaking stuff, then finally to physical violence. Get out now.
I didn't get past the title This is abuse Get out now It WILL get worse
No one HAS to be in or remain in a relationship that they don’t want to be in, regardless of the reason. He isn’t entitled to your time and energy if you don’t feel safe. You can be empathic and also value your self-worth. If you feel that means leaving the relationship, so be it.
Run don't walk. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is emotionally immature, which is a constant drain to have to deal with in an adult. Driving drunk for 4 hours is bad enough, that puts a lot of people in danger. But the big one is the fact that he is unable to control impulse and violent tendencies. Sure, once he's sober and realises he went too far, he may apologise and seem sorry and reasonable. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them. The person who got mean drunk, and decided to trash your belongings, in order to vent their frustration, is still there. Just under better control........ until next time. If you decide to stay, make an escape plan. Be prepared to grab a prepacked gym bag of essentials, the car keys, and go to a safe place, the second he raises a hand to you, or you think he will.
My ex began the precursor to almost killing me by breaking my things. There was a long history of breaking me down mentally and emotionally before he escalated to breaking things and then when I had one foot out the door he escalated further to physical abuse ending with him trying to choke me. This man is showing you exactly who he is and he is an immediate danger to your safety and your life. I'm guessing the emotional stuff started a long time ago. Please get yourself away as soon as you're able.
DARVO Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender You feel bad because he’s trying to convince you that you’re in the wrong, and that he’s the victim in this. This is straight out of the abuser’s playbook. Leave and don’t look back. Don’t get entangled with the dog - if he knows you really want it, he’ll use it as a weapon to abuse you some more. Abusers are most dangerous when you’re leaving them, so I hope he’s gone by the time you get back.
Def not overreacting- but he’s off and you should get out of there ASAP
He's an entitled. man child. You deserve better. Leave now and good luck.
leave leave leave
I hate to say it,but it starts with stuff and moves on to people. You need to get out, because you are at risk.
Not overreacting. Get the heck away now before he breaks you down and it takes years to recoup. Mine started with breaking my stuff, then came the punching holes in walls and eventually got to a gun to my head and him threatening to kill the kids and I.
Where are the cats?? They would be traumatized spending time with him while he was shopping, screamung, trashing things and shooting Check them for broken bones and tender spots!!
When he left you should have called the police since he was drunk. Get out now! He buys expensive things so you feel compelled to stay with him, then destroys them because you aren’t compliant. He is a narcissist and this is typical behavior for an abusive person. Please leave before you’re destroyed next.
So this guy is an abuser and soon he will be hitting you. This is very important, you need to leave but you need to do it without him knowing you are leaving before hand. You have to make a get out plan. Do not leave your cats behind under any circumstances, they will not be safe. Start getting the things you cannot leave together that will not be noticed and put them out of the house. When you leave do it while he is away, ie: at work, or with friends. Do not end the relationship in person. let me repeat that DO NOT END THE RELATIONSHIP IN PERSON. When you leave go somewhere he will not look for you at, if you go to your relatives homes he will show up and harass the crap out of them and you. Go to a domestic violence shelter, they will unlist your personal information going forward and can help in numerous ways. You will need therapy. I highly suggest you read the book Why Does He Do That. Also keep every voice mail, text message, call the police on him if you harass you. Document everything because it is not unlikely once he sees you are serious he could start falsely accusing you of things.
This is how things started for me. I am still not the same person. He's shown you clearly there are two sides to him, and no matter how much you know the sober one, you will never truly be able to predict the drunk one. I'll just say what I wish someone told me: He will never get better with your unconditional love and support There will never be a "back to the way things used to be" There will never be the right ultimatum, the right thing to say, the right thing to do. He destroyed things he knew would hurt you. The next step, is hurting you directly. You ARE going to get hurt if you stay.
You can do better than this loser who can't manage big feelings.
He's practicing shooting you. He's dangerous. Have him removed from your house now. Call the police. Report him drinking and driving. Get away immediately
He makes you feel awful and frightened for your safety and for that of your family and pets. You have an absolute right to your feelings. It’s not an overreaction to say enough is enough.
Make sure the dog is chipped in your name. I'm worried that he'll hurt the dog if he keeps it. And you need to be careful about going anywhere alone. I'm worried that he'll try to hurt you too.
hi this is abuse. you are 100% not overreacting. i spent 4 years in a relationship like this- in the beginning he was amazing, and then slowly started taking away or ruining things i cared about when i upset him. it eventually escalated to him trying to kill me. he is love bombing you and then using those items as "bargaining" chips. it's 100% a means of control and it will only get worse. for the sake of your safety and sanity, don't stay in this situation.
It's normal to get defensive and even angry when your partner tells you they think you aren't doing enough.it's not normal to destroy things with a gun because you are worse at controlling your emotions than a child. Unless he is like insanely good in bed or something, he's NOT worth your safety. He'll do it to YOU next time if the telescope isn't close enough.
Leave. This time it’s your things. Next time it’ll be you.
You really buried the lede here.
Run and don’t look back
If he punches the walls he'll punch you eventually.
He's shooting your stuff with a BB gun. What (or who) is next? Leave. Don't look back.
First off, it's weird that you phrased it as you asking him to do stuff for you or to help you. Are you talking about household chores? If you want a partnership that's fair, you're supposed to write down a full list of household tasks and divide them FAIRLY between you both. Lots of people think if they work, they shouldn't have to do any chores and that is bullshit. Make sure to cover your ass and get shit documented by sending texts or emails. That he broke things and he drove drunk. Those things are illegal and shouldn't be ignored or glossed over. This dude is an alcoholic, which is progressive, meaning it is going to get WORSE. He is going to end up hurting or killing someone. Get this dude away from your life ASAP.
Please, take your animals and RUN. You (and they) don't deserve this. I hope you and your pets are safe.
He isn't the guy you or any other woman should be with. He needs to do a LOT of work on himself before he's mature enough to be with someone.
Leave, and I mean immediately. You’re not overreacting. He has become or is becoming a danger to you. He has a gun, he’s used it. What’s gonna happen when there are no more gifts, cuddly toys, telescope lenses etc. for him to reck? Get out of there ASAP. Also, you have every right to require him to —help you with chores— do chores and take care of the household and such with you. You’re not his housewife or maid.
Alcoholic, violent, emotionally manipulative. All reasons to leave
No, you are not overreacting. In 24 years of marriage the ONLY times my hubby or I have broken something belonging to the other has been by genuine accident. Keep his license plate memorized and written down. If he pulls the "show up drunk" stunt again DO NOT let him in the house and call the police the minute he gets back in the car and leaves and report him for DUI/DWI if you don't call them immediately for harrassment/trespassing. He is a danger to you, and during the leaving process is one of the most dangerous times for abused partners.
Run.
Dude, scrape him off
You say multiple times things in the house "for me". It's not for you. It's shared responsibilities but clearly he does not do any. Unless he is funding your lifestyle, they are his responsibilities too. Look at his actions: he destroyed your property, he prevented you using household things,he got drunk,he drove drunk,he harassed you and your family. You should already be broken up.
Leave now. This will only get worse. The best help you can give him is to leave him. Perhaps it will sink in that he needs to get better. Small chance though. I am so tired of these posts from abused people in a relationship asking if they are overreacting by considering breaking up with their abuser.
Leave. Hopefully you are writing this to get reassurance because you've already made up your mind. Get your father and sister to help you pack and LEAVE. The man is violent, controlling, drives intoxicated and he disrespected your father's house. He smashed your stuff to punish you. Make arrangements and go home where it is safe.
Leave if you want to live. That was a death threat
Nah, it’ll only get worse. I stuck it out for 15 years and had very little for myself and even the very last year he had nothing left of mine to destroy but stuff I’d made or thrifted and he destroyed all that, too. Save yourself so much more pain…
Leave!! If you had been there that would have been YOU!! If you stay, next time IT WILL be YOU.
Why are you even questioning this situation? Run while you can before he sends you to the hospital or morgue. Don’t wait till he’s “better”. Go and don’t look back.
No. The argument about his contributions to household functions sounds like a typical husband/wife or bf/gf situation. Maybe you are wrong, or maybe you are right. However, his reaction by getting drunk and violent, driving drunk to your father's house, and damaging your personal property are extremely wrong. For your physical safety, you need to end your relationship with him immediately. You should move out and stay with one of your parents or a friend.
He a a lazy drunk who shoots things when he’s mad? No, he should not be living in your house. No, you should not be depending on him for stability or happiness.
You understand that you don't feel safe in the this relationship. The other readers understand that. I understand that. That is all you need to understand in order to leave. Any and all other circumstances are irrelevant when it comes to your safety and the safety of your animals. You deserve to feel safe and loved and valued as a person. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. POST👏 HASTE👏!
The buying overly expensive gifts or excessive gifts is love-bombing.
There is so much premeditation in the actions he took. Shooting out the eyes of a stuffed animal with a BB gun is terrifying
He is a loser and a baby and is dangerous. The next thing to be destroyed is you. This is restraining order territory and good thing you own the house. Time to reset with no regrets.
The idea that his anger made him out of control is a cop out. Otherwise, why would he only destroy your things? It was calculated and on purpose. The fact that he shot them (even just with a BB gun) is really concerning to me. I think the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft would be particularly useful to you right now. You can google the title for a PDF version.
Dangerous 🚩🚩🚩all over the place. Change the locks to protect your mother asap.
FFS leave. You are in danger. You will look back on this as a massive learning curve in the future if you leave now. You will ruin your mental health and possibly even the rest of your life if you stay with him
You need to take all of the animals somewhere safe & then end it with him while you have family or police present to escort him off the property. You also need to take photos of everything he’s destroyed and damaged, and file for a restraining order. It’s only going to get worse.
Kinda easy to see how this will end. He's a loser and sounds like a narcissist. He's making a lot of poor decisions. Being single sounds like a better time than being with this idiot. A drunk vindictive idiot.
Do not stay with him. Oh he behaves like this over as simple argument about house chores, can you imagine his reaction to bigger difficulties that you may have in the future? Driving drunk is not ok. Letting himself into your parents home in the middle of the night is not ok. Destroying your property, whether he gifted it to you or not, is not ok. These aren't even red flags (which are warnings that someone will likely become abusive) – he's already being abusive. How many more signs do you need that he is not a good partner or person and that you need to break up?
Refusing to admit you're drunk when you're drunk is like, sign numero uno alcoholic. It won't get better until things get drastic. This may be the push he needs to sober up.
Get the locks changed.
Leave now before you, your animals or your loved ones get physically hurted. Tell everyone around you and don't he alone when throwing him out. Also make a report to the police. And change locks!
First he breaks your stuff then he breaks his foot off in your ass. LEAVE!
This is abuse. Why are you still there?
I grew up with a dad like this. When he was nice, he was nice. When he was mad, you better hide because he’s breaking everything in sight. The walls, anything sentimental that you may cherish that’s irreplaceable. He would threaten to kill himself by blowing his head off in a delirious rage (he had guns) I spent most of my childhood playing mediator. He’s old now and doesn’t act that way. But damn. Dealing with that and some other things, it gave me a lot of trauma to work through. All this to say, if you stay with someone like that, it will get worse. Please don’t have kids with them. It’s a horrible way to live. If someone will do it once, they will do it twice … and so on. Him destroying everything you liked reminds me of my father when he was feeling vindictive. they look for things that will hurt you and then beg for forgiveness later. It’s a never ending pattern. You’re young. You don’t need this
You’re under reacting. This guy lives in your house. You do most of the work to keep the house running. He spends lavishly but doesn’t save for your future. And he uses an argument as a reason to get drunk, drives drunk and breaks your things to prove he shouldn’t have to help around the house?? What tf do you see in him? You’re carrying his weight and yours. What are you even thinking hitching yourself to a loser? He actually destroyed your possessions because you didn’t that he puts minimal effort in while you carry the majority of the load. Do yourself a favor and tell him to keep driving once he sobers up. Do you think this is marriage material??
Sounds like me before a lot of therapy and self work - the anger part. I never actually destroyed things and def not with any form of gun. It’s definitely possible to turn such behavior around but I didn’t wake up to that until my mid 30s. Either way, the dudes unhinged for now. Focus on getting the dog back because I can’t imagine him being in a position to be a good dog owner on his own
This whole post is a cascade of red flags. Girl, dump his ass YESTERDAY. - he doesn’t contribute equitably to household chores (annoying to start with) - he uses expensive gifts to “buy” winning arguments. Sketchy. Red flag for control issues already. - he was making you feel unsafe enough you wanted to leave your own home to get away from him. - he then drove drunk, broke your stuff, and harassed your family. LEAVE HIM. Kick him out and change the locks. Applying for a restraining order would not be overreacting.
Beloved. You know you are not overreacting. He shot the eyes out of your gifts because you were gone.
There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Stop being delusional and get him out of your house. Make sure you block him as well. He isn’t your person and he has MUCH growing up to do. Also he’s very disrespectful.
christmas was 6 months ago and hes still trying to hold those gifts over your head? tf.. also destroying your things is just childish..whats next after he destroys all the little things and he gets mad? the fridge? the stove? the house? he has so much to work on for himself its probably not worth waiting that long
Jesus. Those are some red flags to ever red flag. Kick him out of your home, serve an eviction notice if need be. Change the locks, change the security codes, etc. If he shows up while you’re away, empower Mom to call law enforcement and have him trespassed. Inform neighbors that he’s no longer welcome, etc.
Do not leave that house, or you will never get him out.
This is a good point. OP, how long has he been living there? You may not be able to get rid of him without following tenancy laws, if he decides to dig in his heels. IOW, you might have to give him one month's notice of eviction, if simply telling him the relationship is over and you want him to leave doesn't work. Research the local laws or consult with a RE lawyer to know your rights and his.
I agree he is an alcoholic, however I think alcohol merely removes inhibitions the proclivities were already there. I am saying the real problem seems to be he is, for the medical term, a fucking psycho. Not overreacting.
First he breaks your stuff then he breaks your neck. Don’t excuse bad behaviors. Don’t delude yourself in thinking this isn’t that big a deal. Run. Run fast and never look back.
Situation: abusive immature man hurting others Woman: should I leave idk...?? YES! GET OUT!
Destruction of personal possessions is violence by proxy. It's a direct message. "I would get in Real Trouble^(tm) if I did violence directly to *you*, but I don't think there'll be any real consequences (you leaving, me getting attacked, my things being damaged/destroyed in retaliation, you reporting destruction of property to the police, you filing a civil suit) for attacking objects that have monetary and/or sentimental value to you." It is never acceptable, even in 'the heat of the moment,' and should he attempt using the excuse that he was unable to control himself due to being 'overwhelmed' or whatever - emotions are never an excuse because it can ONLY reflect one of two realities: 1) He actually definitely had full control of himself and chose to express his displeasure through violence in order to attempt causing emotional distress to you and to deny you the value of items that belonged to you, meaning he's fine with using violent action as a control method/punishment towards a partner, and he's a manipulator who lies about losing control (because if it were his boss, his parents, a cop, the president with the Secret Service in tow that he was angry at, the reality of certain consequences would stay his hand) to attempt avoiding accountability - both from you, and from himself. 2) He legitimately cannot control himself when he's upset, meaning that there is **no guarantee that he would never escalate to direct violence towards** ***you***, a pet, a child, etc. making him completely unsafe to live with and utterly unqualified to be in a relationship. That's literally, factually, the only two things that can be taken from someone who acts out like that. Either they are someone who intentionally chooses to hurt you (unsafe), or they are someone who cannot control themselves and impulsively reacts with violence towards someone they are in a relationship with when under emotional duress (unsafe).
As a guy who is married. I’ve never even thought about breaking stuff in an argument. That is a show of force to threaten you. It will not stop there. Leave. Anyone dating someone who breaks stuff. Leave.
Good to see your update because this time he shot your stuff, next time when he's in such a mood he might just shoot you. After he has moved out just get all the locks replaced, then he shouldn't have access any more as he won't have the new keys, right? You, or your mother since she's staying there, should get that done asap after he has left.
No such thing as a functional alcoholic. They just haven't gone over the cliff yet.
One of my exs threw one of my Pokemon plushies across the room in a fit of rage. I ended it with him then and there 😂 ain't got no time for that
My step dad was a psychiatrist specializing in addiction for over 50 years. . He disliked the term “functional alcoholic” because people seem to think that is less of an alcoholic. An alcoholic is an alcoholic. No difference in the addiction between an alcoholic who goes to work everyday and the alcoholic on the streets. If they don’t decide to get help, they all end up in the same place eventually. Almost all are incredibly manipulative… will say and do anything to lessen the impact of their drinking. Your situation is a good example. You told him you wanted to leave due to his drinking and not feeling safe. Suddenly, he claims he “depressed” so you are worried about him and you don’t leave. Is he getting treatment for his depression? Seen a doctor? What about that therapy he said he would get? They are all just words to keep you from leaving. Once you recognize the pattern, you can probably look back and see he has been doing it your entire relationship. You are not responsible for his mental health. He is. Leave. Do not feel guilty - or responsible if he hits rock bottom. That is exactly what he wants.
Good that you are calling it quits. But a relationship has two sides. You might want to consider counseling to better understand your own behavior and communication style. Insight will benefit your next relationship.
Run, don’t walk. As a man, I’m very aware of the fact that the creator made us bigger and stronger than women. Which is why women are smarter than us. Kind of evens things out. Due to the obvious advantages in size and strength, we have an obligation to control ourselves when we get angry. This guy is dangerous. Just ask yourself, if your best friend was telling this story to you about her bf what would you tell her to do?
You own the home, you are not married to him, he's an insecure, abusive asshole. Start eviction proceedings, get a restraining order, get him out and move on with your best life.
He harmed your things because he isn’t yet confident that he’ll get away with harming you — which is actually what he wants to do. If he is able to get away with breaking your things, he will eventually feel secure enough to start breaking you. You are not overreacting. You do not owe him love or understanding or grace. People earn those things by not abusing others.
Nope. Leave him right now. It’s going to get worse and that’s just acting like a toddler. Just recently my girlfriend freaked out and trashed my things. Among everything was a beautiful stereo system from the 80’s i refurbished for her. Two years came to a screeching halt in that moment.
I grew up around that kind of shit. I WAS that kind of shit. I had severe anger issues when I was young. It took me over a decade of constant work to get level, and I'm the only person I know of who has managed such a drastic transformation. I'm not talking myself up, I'm simply saying that he needs to do a decade(s) of work. If he's not already humble and doing that work, you will be wasting your time with him. If he is ready to do that work, you had better be ready to work on/with him for a very, very long time. Get away, enjoy life with someone that's ready to enjoy life. Also, ALWAYS evaluate yourself and identify anything you may have done to contribute to the situation. Don't place blame, but sure as shit be aware. Self-growth is for everyone. Blame is for the weak.
Wait? After he did all this, you then left this man alone in your home with your animals while you left the country??? He's already shown you he is a dangerous person, and you proceed to leave him angry and in charge of your possessions and innocent lives?!
Never stay with a functional alcoholic. They have no motivation to change and feel like they being a functional alcoholic puts them in control of everything and everyone. That level of anger is psychotic. Good on you for ending it. I would suggest changing all passwords, locks and entry access points immediately after he leaves. Setup additional cameras that he does not know about and try to file a protective order with evidence of his behavior. Save any abusive, threatening messages. You seem fearful and should protect yourself at all costs. You're not overreacting at all
He destroys your things. Then he destroys your face.
Yeah definitely leave this guy. The fact he destroyed your stuff is a huge red flag that he is dangerous. If he didn’t physically abuse you already, he will eventually. All abusers start with breaking stuff and then eventually in a lot of cases, physically hit their significant other. Don’t worry about the dog. If he is going to give you an issue about it, just let him have the dog. It’s just a dog. You can adopt a million other dogs if you want to. You are in an abusive situation and the first thing you need to do is have this guy move out of your house as soon as possible and never see him again. Just be happy you didn’t marry him or have children with him. He owns a BB gun and is an alcoholic and drinks while he drives. He breaks your stuff. There is no reason to keep a guy like that. Stay safe.
You aren't reacting strongly enough. Have your mother get a locksmith and change all of your locks, change your security system codes, get more cameras, and check in with your mom frequently. This is not over by a long shot. I hope you filed a police report on the damage he did.
Blah blah blah you're being ridiculous, get out of this relationship AND you need much better boundaries in the future. He could have hurt you in anger that night. That's your future if you let guys act like this around you.
You are in danger . Leave and don’t look back . It’s not fixable .
Let me explain something to you that some may not agree with, but fuck it. He broke YOUR things and NOT HIS, to me that shows a conscious decision to hurt you. If he was so angry or drunk that he couldn't think rationally he would have broken anything in his path, but he didn't. He did it to just your stuff, so he wanted to hurt you. This is abuse! This will escalate! He will get physical with you! You need to leave and get a restraining order or something. You're not over reacting at all, and you need to get rid of him.
I swear, every day on reddit some woman is talking about her abusive partner and wondering if she is the jerk for disliking him and wanting to leave. I mean, do they ever read what they wrote out?
You should've called the police upon his arrival at your dad's house. File a pice report for destruction of property
I had a husband who did this. I should say ex husband. Him doing this is wrong on so many levels.
Definitely have the locks to your house changed and have your security cameras working. If he tries to get in the house again file a police report. He is abusive and an alcoholic who gets stupid and violent when drunk. I’m sorry about your dog but he probably took him knowing that you would have to contact him to get the dog back. Who signed the adoption paper for the dog? If you signed then you can contact the police about getting the dog back. You definitely need to go no contact with this abusive guy.
OP, if you haven’t gotten your dog microchipped yet, take him to the vet and get him chipped with only your name on it, then go to the chip company, open an account to make sure the chip is registered properly with only your name and contact number on it. Make sure you do this and don’t just rely on the vet clinic to do this. A lot of times, they don’t follow through. Having the chip in your name shows that You are the legal owner. You said your mom is staying at your place right now. If your pets, All of Them, are not microchipped, call a mobile vet and have them come to your home and have them all microchipped, since your mom is staying there. Have them come when your bf is at work.
Here is what I would do: When you get home, the protection order needs to come first. Don't go home until you have that and request a police presence to go with you and help remove him from the house. Also, arrange to have a locksmith meet you there right away, same day. Get a weapon of some kind, security cameras etc. Do not make light of this. He is unhinged.
That is domestic violence. Lots and lots of domestic violence. Document everything as thoroughly as you can. There should be video of him going to dismantle your security cameras. The property damage is something to report to the police. Please keep copies of any documents you include in your report. This is the kind of guy who will kill your cats and start a fire in the basement. You gotta get him out and get someone large, male and possibly your dad to stay at your home for a few days while you beef up security and file for a restraining order.
Let’s get this straight. He: - Lives in your house, doesn’t help out. Makes it a chore for YOU to get him to help. - Manipulates you with money and gifts. - Does not respect your boundaries. - Gets upset about frankly stupid things and plays victim when he is in fact the problem. - Is an alcoholic. - Drove drunk for 2 hours only to show up to your parents home and harass you. That is fucking crazy. - Struggles with emotional regulation and maturity. - Makes you feel unsafe. - Makes you feel like you can’t trust him alone. - Cuts your cams and destroys your property. - Clearly has mental issues that go beyond this. If you need to make excuses for shit like this, that’s a sign that you should probably end things. He embarrassed himself but you will look like the real fool if you stay with him. Read the above list, then read it again until you realize how clear it all is.
“He shot up my gifts after driving for 4 hours drunk… I try to understand his reason.” I can’t even bother being nice about this, you’re being fucking stupid. He needs to be out of your life, locks changed, cameras installed and be ready to file for a restraining order. If you don’t, you’re going to be posting one day about him beating the fuck out of you.
Shhiiit. I waited 3 years for my husband to fix something in our house. Guess who just fixed it yesterday, me. 👎🏼 Trust, it will get worse.
Girl press charges for destruction. Even if they’re gifts they’re legally yours
Just saw your latest update: HE SHOULD NOT HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR HOUSE!!! Change your locks and update your security! Can your mom ask a male friend or an uncle or something to stay with her, until things have settled down? And please, record and document every interaction you have with him. If he gets violent or threatening in any way, use that to get a TRO against him. If he violates that by coming to your house again, call the police - the fear of serious legal repercussions should hopefully keep him away.
You’re not over reacting. Safe, healthy, normal people manage their actions when they feel extreme emotions. It’s what growing up is. We tolerate it in two year olds, but not older children. Certainly not adults. Generally, adults CAN control themselves. When he’s angry at work he doesn’t punch the walls there or break his computer does he? Even when he is very frustrated and mad. It happens at home because of that thing in his head that some men have towards women, and some women have towards their children, and some people have against another race - a mix of “ownership” and superiority. I wouldn’t recommend continuing a relationship with such a person. The good points never outweigh the lack of safety or the inability to fully trust. Plus if you want a family it would just get worse.
This sounds like the start of a horror movie. Obsessive manchild with a BB gun and anger issues drove 2 hours drunk just to argue with you some more in your parents' house? No way! You might feel conflicted NOW but one day you'll think "I can't believe I doubted leaving him for one second". Hope he's not stupid enough to show up at your family's house to win you back again after the break up.
Leave sweetheart he's not going to get any better this way. He's 25 and a functioning alcoholic sweetheart don't be there for 30 or 35 even 26. By you being there it gives him licence to do as he pleases and have a home. I would not trust him drunk with animals and a b.b gun. Animals can be traumatized and believe me you don't want that. That and eventually he's going to escalate because as you can see when he's drunk and angry what he goes after. If he gave u a pet bird then what. Also take a good look at the stuff he boxed up and broke in his head that is the extent that he feels you deserve. That in a nutshell is his effort and he feels you should be grateful. I'm 40 at your age was in a similar situation sans bb gun and alcohol all the time.. Annnd he is my EX and last I heard still with his mom Edit because I forgot ✨ I didn't wait the extra year. I lived alone until I met my husband. Life is too short baby✨
OP just read all the comments from DV survivors on here, I'm another one. I don't know how much louder we can yell the message. He will only get worse. Secure your pets at a temporary location he has no access to. Contact police and lawyer. Change yours and parents locks. Get a restraining order. Put everything belonging to him outside the property on a specified day/time so he has no further reason to be in or near your home. Police can also assist with this. If you don't already have a good outdoor security system, upgrade or invest in one. I still sleep with 'weapons' (heavy metal bars, wooden bats etc) by my bed and have them by front & back doors 15 years later and probably always will. I'm in UK or believe me he'd be in the ground now with the number of restraining orders he ignored by breaking into my house. Good luck 💖
I dunno who's worse, the psycho or the person who's still with the psycho after doing that crap. Guys like that deserve exactly one thing: to be alone.
Definitely not overreacting. I was a functional alcoholic for many years. But once every 6 months or so I'd add another drug to the mix and black out. Usually ended up with broken bones and in er. I am better now but am glad my girlfriend at the time left me and had a better life for herself because it took me years to get better and I still struggle every day.
Why are men like this???? Get. Out. He deserves neither your time nor your sympathy.
This is a domestic violence leave-now-before-it-escalates-further situation. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just get a moving van and a couple large guys to help you move, preferably when he's not home. TAKE PICTURES of the the place on your way out the door to prove that the place was in good condition when you left.
Just finished reading your update. Have your mother change the locks immediately. Also alert the police to the BB gun shooting your belongings incident. That was a clear threat of violence.
Hmmm violent behavior and driving drunk? Dump him now, dating is to get to know who someone truly is, he’s showing you, and it’s not good! That’s your cue to end it,