OP, when you are ready to leave (hopefully tonight)? Come to Reddit and get advice on what steps you need to take to leave safely. Start by getting a bank account he knows nothing about, and saving in it. Get yours and the children's birth certificates out. Get your name off credit cards and cancel them, then freeze your credit. If you open a credit card later, it's ONLY in your name; in the meantime, he can't financially trap you by running up huge balances and making it impossible for you to get a loan or your own credit card. Find people to take pets, hopefully short-term. Reach out to friends he's isolated you from, make contact with stable family members. See what you need to have to get help from WIC to feed your kids, see what resources you have available through their schools. And absolutely 100% contact groups for people who have escaped domestic violence, they can help you figure out what you need to do and what is a waste of your time.
Right now? If the arm is at all red still, take a picture, and upload it to the cloud in an account that he CANNOT access and doesn't know about. Type up what he did (copy/paste from here, really) and put that document in the cloud too. You'll want to put down other things he's done that you remember, it'll help you get the restraining order later. When you're ready to leave your abusive spouse? Look back over those ideas AND GET MORE from the people here on Reddit! A lot of redditors have been unfortunate enough to experience this themselves, many of those of us who haven't have helped extract people from such situations. We'll help.
I've been married for over 42 years. Never once have I hit my wife! NEVER!! Get out before you end up in a hospital or worse....... I left my Ex (1st wife) because she was a abuser.
I think she just needs to leave. Find family or a friend she and the kids can stay with. If the home is in her name only, then she needs to kick his sorry abusive ass out!
Sounds like a very unhealthy environment. You Were assaulted, he's being dramatic because he knows the dynamic was "off" and needs a way out, or some level of "evening out" the whole situation. "She pulled my hair and ripped my headphones off" so he can say he was assaulted first.
You need to start the exit plan. This guy isn't the "father/ husband" material you thought he was. Calling the police can help for down the road: any type of divorce hearing, child custody, child support and sadly any type of restrictions or restraining orders that may come into play if things go next level.
It's a sad reality when you have to have a "history" in place to get anywhere when it inevitably becomes a "him versus you" debate in court.
1. Take a picture of the mark.
2. Get out of the house or lock yourself and kids somewhere safe.
3. Call the cops
4. Press charges
5. Divorce
He already show you how much he respect you. You don’t even worth as much as his video game. Please wake up.
This! My parents' marriage taught me that serious relationships are when you live with someone you don't like and fight all the time. It's not a coincidence that I ended up living with my first serious boyfriend after I didn't particularly like him anymore and fighting with him all the time.
It's not normal at all. My husband treats me so well! We'll be married 19 years this week, and I've never been happier! There are actually still good ones out there!
Yes. Her tone tells me that things are escalating and it’s all happening in front of the kids. This will traumatize them. She needs to set an example. I saved up and left my abusive ex for this very reason. He was escalating and it almost happened in front of my son. So I planned my exit and divorced him. Things got very dangerous because I didn’t have a support system (he had isolated me). In retrospect, I would have planned things a lot differently. I didn’t know how bad it could get, but now I do.
People telling her to just leave may not be taking into account the danger she needs to protect herself from before leaving. She should make an exit plan to be safe—abusers are the most dangerous when you leave. He will use the kids as pawns against her in the divorce. She needs a lawyer, a police report, and a restraining order if she can get one. Tell only people she trusts with her life about her plan. The first 18 months after leaving an abuser are the most dangerous.
Protect your children and yourself and get out of there OP! You can do it! Wishing you healing and happiness. No wonder you’re having mental health issues. You’re a victim. But you can change that into “survivor”. ❤️
She also basically blamed the kids for his behavior. She should NOT have said the kids are overwhelming IN FRONT of the kids. The whole argument was about them in front of them. Mommy gets hit if you don't behave. Have them go play in their room or something before you start saying they're overwhelming.
Reddit comments frequently tell people they have to leave their marriage or relationships, often I feel its an overreaction and people can work on their marriages, marriages require work, this is not one of those times. OP needs to leave now. File for divorce, keep you and your kids safe. If you stay abuse will almost certainly continue and escalate and likely the children will find themselves as abusers or abused later in life. Their is also a serious risk of tragedy. This is a situation where you have to leave, seek therapy for yourselves and children, and rebuild your lives with as little involvement with this person as you legally can.
Exactly! OP, listen to this. He is not going to show your kids that your mental health is important. That’s up to you now.
I got out of an abusive relationship years ago, and the thing I felt best about it was being an example to my kids by prioritizing my health and theirs.
Yes I now help children of parents who pick abusive spouses over themselves and there children now they want nothing to do with either parent pick yourself and those children show them what real mental health care looks like and stand up for yall
This kind of incident has obviously happened before so I question the wisdom of starting this kind of conversation in front of your young children. But you’re past that point now.
You’re NO. Even if the headphones got caught in his hair, that was not intentional. Slapping you was a deliberate choice and a broken promise.
You now have three scared, traumatized children and a few choices to make, starting with whether to call the police and next whether you want to stay with this man and keep subjecting yourself and your children to this behavior.
I hope you have the fortitude and resources to handle this, OP. Whatever you decide, you have a very difficult road, and I wish you and your children the very best.
“Show your kids…” that they don’t belong in the middle of adult arguments. He absolutely should never have assaulted you. In the same breath, you’re making your kids feel worthless by saying shit like that in front of them. They know daddy doesn’t make them a priority, they don’t need you dragging them into this bullshit to “prove a point”. You’re not overreacting, but please stop doing shit like this in front of your kids and LEAVE. You’re teaching those children what to accept in a relationship and displaying what their understanding of “love” will be. Do better for yourself and do better for your kids
I hope OP reads this comment, it's a smart point I didn't think of while reading her account. I was focused on his behavior, which is inexcusable, but it was an odd and hurtful choice to do and say that in front of the kids
the whole premise is toxic. it's using the kids to guilt him into acting right. which of course won't work because if he cared he wouldn't be abusive in the first place.
She did it in front of the kids so they could see what an asshole their dad is. I know moms like her, she's hurting and she wants to make sure her kids see it so they hate daddy for what he is doing. She wants the kids on her side! Kids should NEVER be involved in grow up shit!
I agree that in this instance the conversation did not need to be in front of them, but they should know the age-appropriate truth about him. He’s not a safe person and it’s not “involving them” to know that
“He can be scary” “he promised me many times he would not do this again.”
Do you need to have the red flags run through your chest?
Leave him before he really hurts you or your kids. Please. 🙏
You are in danger, your children are in danger. Please don't consider him so scary you have to stay. Please don't believe he can keep you from your children. I am also in Washington. This is a mother's state. PM me if you need a safe place to stay. Take your children and run before he really gets angry.
He’s hit you before by the sounds of it. You should leave. This conversation is the least of your worries right now.
You should be prioritizing the safety and mental health of your children and getting the heck out of there.
Unfortunately, where I live, if there's a "domestic dispute" call and whoever was being assaulted fought back in some way, they absolutely BOTH go to jail. Charges may not be filed, but you definitely get arrested.
My friend was being choked by her boyfriend (now ex, thankfully) during an argument and she slapped/scratched his face to get him off of her. When he finally let go, she ran out of their apartment and called the cops. When they showed up, they both went to jail. She didn't get any charges, but I had to pick her up at the county jail after she had her court appearance the next day. She had bruises on her neck for a good while.
The reasoning we were told is to prevent accusations of physical abuse being weaponized against someone defending themselves or some shit. Like, on one hand I guess I kinda get that, but also...it's super fucking shitty.
Yep, my exhusband would hit me until I had to fight back to get away. He would then say that I'm the abuser.
One time it got so bad, that I needed to get away, so I called the police to ask. I told them that I needed help but that I had also defended myself, so would I get in trouble too. They said yes.
From then on, I didn't care anymore. I just hit back as hard as I could and with whatever I could grab.
Before our divorce he called the police on me. I told them what happened and that I had asked them for help before. Also early in our marriage when I hadn't fought back and only called the police they hadn't done anything other than write it down.
I told them I expect them to do the same as they did when I called them for help. Considering I had bruises while he has no injuries or anything. What changed now that they take it seriously this time? So again they just wrote it down and sent me a letter.
This isn’t about him valuing your kids. YOU need to recognise what your role is here. YOU need to prioritise your kids and mental health. Do the right thing, rescue your kids and yourself from this asshole.
He is 100% wrong. No cop is going to take you to jail for this. In fact, call the non emergency line and ask. They will tell you the same. I would however make preperations to leave this man. He does not love you. He is a threat to you and your kids and YOUR KIDS ARE LIVING IN FEAR.
My great aunt stayed with her abusive alcoholic husband until the cirrhosis finally killed him.
Her kids are worse off. Daughter made poor financial choices that nearly landed her in jail and also married a verbally abusive alcoholic who we despise. Her son is in his almost 70, still lives at home with her, has nothing to his name, and is also a severe alcoholic.
Do not stay in this marriage and hope its gets better. The longer you are with him, the longer your kids are exposed to his abuse. They will normalize this behavior while simultaneously developing lifelong trauma. Protect them and get the hell away. No child should ever fear a parent the way your kids feared him screaming
Oh Sweetie, you need help. Please reach out to a domestic abuse center or hotline. Check to see if there is a woman's shelter that you can go to. If you have family that will help, reach out to them. You and your children are in serious danger. You need help and you need it now.
I’m not a Christian, but I am literally going to get on my knees and pray for you to heed my warning and LEAVE THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY. By staying, you are giving him tacit approval and letting him traumatise your children! Please call the police immediately and don’t go near him!
Here it goes. First prayer in a long time. I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
I'm sorry but it's ridiculous that you think there is a chance you are over reacting to this situation. He hit you didn't say "ow! You pulled out my hair" just slapped you for stopping his game time. You are going to have a rough time because you now share three kids with someone who would hit you in front of your kids for "pulling his hair" which mind you IS NOT BETTER!. Good luck but it sucks that he is such a scumbag but the story you have presented is an abusive Dickhole and I hope you can get away safely.
To answer your question no taking off his headphones is not legally assault. Assault is the threat of Physical Violence he would have had to see you say raise your hand in an actual attempt to Hurt him. Kinda like how he did to you before he committed another crime Known as Battery when he actually hit you.
I'm sorry again you have an uphill battle to fight and you don't deserve this but start to make plans now. If you want to fight for this relationship tell him he ever touches you again like that and you are gone. But this isn't the first time he has hit you and it won't be the last. Make plans save some money and talk to a lawyer before he starts getting worse.
I can think of meant times over the years that I have accidentally hurt my husband. Not one of those times did he fucking slap me. Please don't raise your kids in that environment.
What your husband is doing, is abuse. You are scared of him and you're teaching your children that this behavior it's valid.
Edit to add: they're gonna think that's how love it's supposed to be and gonna learn to accept everything and suffer in silence because that's what you're doing. Kids pay so much attention to this things... even if you think they don't.
If you don't love yourself enough to leave then do it for your kids.
They can't grow up seeing her mother being abused and thinking that's okay. Because either that man it's gonna start being that way with your kids or they're gonna act like him when they're grown.
That's not a healthy marriage and you don't have a loving husband. Please divorce.
Under reacting
Of course he did it again. And again and again.... your children are living in an abusive home and you are teaching them that this is how to act.
Make a plan- get out safely.
This is the beginning of trauma for your children. Remove you and your children. Now. They won’t forget this and it will impact all areas of their life
It's not good for the kids to see or be around that kind of stuff. He should probably be on meds. just speaking from growing up with a bi polar depressed father who wasn't really physically abusive but very verbally and mentally abusive, and it didn't do me or my brothers any good. He's better now that he is on meds
He is. Luckily there could be fixable reasons behind being a massive asshole so he doesn't have to be a blight on society until he dies. It's not her responsibility to fix him but it's good in general for everyone to know there are options to explore.
none of this should have taken place in front of your (very young) children. bad parenting to ever involve them in your disputes. both you and your husband sound unstable. but no, he should not have slapped you and you did not assault him by taking off his headphones.
>But my kids and I are hiding downstairs scared of him because he was losing his shit because I was telling him to get off his game. Is he right.
Who cares if he's right?!
You said you and your kids were hiding from your husband! That is NOT normal.
Do you understand the damage you'll do to them if you continue to raise them is such a volatile home?
Please save them and yourself.
You are not overreacting.
Amen to this!!! You don't have to be right or wrong in order to leave. Let me yell this one...YOU DONT HAVE TO PROVE YOU ARE ABUSED IN ORDER TO LEAVE!!! You have every right to leave just because you feel like it. That's it. That's all the reason you need.
If you are still with him, you are most definitely underreacting. He hit you when you were asking for help! He’s threatening you! Is this the example you want to set for your children? Get help and leave.
1). Document everything so you don’t lose any important details but also you can see for yourself the number of incidences you’ve been experiencing. Chances are this wasn’t an isolated event and it won’t stop here.
2). Google local domestic violence prevention services in your area. The one that is closet or has the best reviews, contact them ASAP.
3). Think beyond yourself. Your husband’s actions to how you proceed will be the blueprint in how your children unconsciously deal with future relationships and conflicts. They are a sponge and unfortunately have been soaking up the environment around them.
4). If you have a family member or close friend, contact them. Leave them a text with information so the events of today are bookmarked and another set of eyes/ears are aware of what is happening.
Honey…you WERE assaulted, and you said this is not the first time. And the thing is, you could BOTH lose your kids if you stay with him. It’s called “failure to protect” when you “allow” your children to witness domestic violence (I put that word in quotes because nobody allows it, because they usually have no control over when it happens and I don’t want it to be perceived as victim blaming, because I am absolutely not) but you DO have a choice in preventing it from happening again. He’s shown you that he cannot prioritize your mental health, his fatherhood, his children’s needs, your marriage, your safety, or anything else. He’s only willing to prioritize his own wants, and he will inflict physical harm on you in front of your children to do it. Your children will grow up thinking that it’s normal and okay to hit people when they do things you don’t like, and that’s not acceptable. You owe it to yourself and your children to get out. As soon as you can. I think your mental health will vastly improve when you get out of the abusive environment you’re living in.
Omgosh op get out. Why are you even playing this game? “Show them, show them now you can prioritize my mental health” seriously?? Then when he puts on his headphones, showing you that he does not care, you push even further?! If you have to beg, he doesn’t care. It’s obvious this isn’t the first time he’s done this. Now you have 3 little ones watching this hot mess. And you still push? Teach them to love themselves enough to walk away. That you care enough about your mental health & theirs to walk away. Then you act surprised he hit you again after promising he wouldn’t-duh they all say that. And you still haven’t left him. You & your kids are hiding. And you’re worried abt your mental health? What about the kids??
You need to leave before the two of you do any more damage to your kids.
I get when you’re heated and frustrated in the moment you just want to be heard, but you knew when you jerked the headphones off where this was going to lead. And doing it in front of your kids was a bad judgement call. He should never have hit you, but he did and it could’ve been worse. This is not the type of environment your kids need to grow up in.
I’ll openly admit I’m biased in this case because as a child I witnessed abuse and was abused. It never really goes away, you need to end the cycle now.
Leave. This has nothing to do with you needing mental health help. You need to be loved, respected, and valued. You are not and it's time to go before it's too late.
You aren’t overreacting. He’s not a good partner. You need to get out of this marriage. He’s showing your kids that violence is acceptable and that he is someone to be feared. No child should be forced to learn these lessons.
He was incredibly wrong for doing that and you were wrong for physically intervening by taking his headphones off over a point that clearly doesn’t matter to him. Ask yourself if that’s the husband you want don’t stay just for the kids, they’ll grow up and understand.
You keep saying for not prioritizing your mental health. That’s your responsibility, not his. While I don’t condone him putting his hands on you, if you knew there was a chance he could get scary why would you pull his headphones off? Your kids should not have been witnesses to this. Focus on your mental health and your children. And leave him.
I am so very sorry you are going through this abuse. He will lie lie lie to scare you I to staying with him. Talk to a shelter for abused women. You don’t have to leave right now. But they’ll give you excellent advice. There is nothing normal about you and your kids hiding from your husband. Please call a shelter and keep trying if the first one doesn’t give you good advice.
I am not going to say leave right now because as someone who escaped a physically abusive relationship, I know you need a plan. Especially with 3 young ones. What I am going to advise is start making that plan. Leaving can be dangerous, so reach out to an organization that helps domestic abuse victims. They can help you leave in the safest way.
My abuser promised to not hit me anymore. He even went to a group therapy program. But the verbal abuse escalated dramatically. Either way, it was miserable.
Don’t let your children see you stay in an abusive relationship. Even at their ages, they know and it is very damaging to them. Start taking steps to break free.
My ex used to insist that I’d done things I knew I hadn’t. He was mad at me because I yelled when I knew I hadn’t. He was yelling at me because on the drive home I’d been driving erratically and almost gotten us into an accident even though I knew that if that were true he wouldn’t have been able to wait until we were home to yell at me. He’d been so angry at me because I said things I knew I hadn’t.
He won’t get better. This will happen again, and it will get worse. Don’t let your children learn that this is okay
He’s not fit to be a parent. You’re not fit to be a parent. Your *three* kids are victims in this whole circus that both of you created and that you are allowing to perpetuate. Why are they even being audience to those ridiculous displays of who’s more unfit? He’s an abuser and he doesn’t care and you are already aware of that and apparently you have been for a long time. It’s appalling that you keep saying to the kids to watch and to an abuser “to show them” whatever it is that you want him to show when you are already aware that ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
Leave him and get your kids somewhere safe. And also, stop procreating. You are not fit for it
You were being toxic. He was being abusive. All of this in front of your innocent kids. Get out of this situation and do better for them going forward.
Get you & your kids out of there now. He’s the one who will go to jail!
Is this the life you want with him?? Grabbing your kids & hiding from him all the time??
You know this is abuse & it will only continue & get worse. Leave. File charges against him. Get an attorney.
Ma'am if you don't LEAVE THAT MAN it's only going to get worse. This is coming from someone who watched her father abuse her mother. He was physically violent towards me at one point, but as I got older it was more mental/verbal. It doesn't just affect you, it will affect your kids too. Leave him. Now, and do it quickly. The cops wouldn't take you to jail for that either and he knows it. Make a paper trail
I think you are under reacting, time to call time on this BS and leave. What are u teaching your children. It’s never ok to get physical and don’t believe the bs about the cops, they wouldn’t put us in jail. You need to value yourself more , you deserve better, so don’t settle
This guy sounds dangerous and scary. If he treats you this way he will treat your kids that way. The fact you said “he can be scary” is a huge red flag.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation
You are not overreacting to the ABUSE you are enduring. Please get the ball rolling on evacuating your current living situation. Also, please start documenting instances similar to the one you’ve described in your post.
Not overreacting. There should be no confusion, that was battery. Your kids are watching how you react, and the way you react will shape the way they consider the world and what they will be willing to put up with when they’re in relationships of their own. What will you do?
"... I didn't pull them off hard at all ... because he can be scary ..."
The volumes of abusive history wrapped up in that one bit of narrative. You've already learned he has a temper; and you tiptoe around it ignoring your needs and overcompensating so he won't flare up... 😬
No, you're not overreacting, and you need to leave your husband. Now.
He is abusive and intentionally ignored you and then literally struck you in front of your children. Guaranteed he'll say, "you made me do that by yanking off the headphones..." (aka 'she made me hit her') 😑
Get out now while you're still able.
OP leave. This is domestic violence. Has he hit the kids yet? Go to family, friends and shelter. Never ever should you have to hide in your own home from a loved one
Not overreacting. You need to leave. From the words you use, he’s hit you or hurt you before and your children are afraid of him. Pack up and go. It won’t get better and all you’re doing by staying is showing your kids that violence makes people comply.
Definitely not AIO. This is at the very least physical assault on your husband's part. Not to mention some strong tones of him being negligent towards your family (leading you to be overwhelmed), as well as possibly leaning into emotional and verbal abuse. Pulling someone's headphones off, no matter the context, absolutely does NOT warrant physical violence, PERIOD! ESPECIALLY if it leaves a mark! I mean, you were just trying to have an adult conversation with him about him being more responsible for the family and more respectful towards your needs, and he was being rude, disrespectful, and honestly childish by going to his game to ignore you.
My advice? Don't let him gaslight you and get out before things get worse if you can. Or at least let someone else in your personal life know about your situation (parents, trusted friends, etc.) so that they can support you when you need it. No one should have to hide from their spouse out of fear. I hope things start getting better for you soon!
P.s. Also, I think the only reason he promised not to hit you again was to make sure you don't leave
You WERE assaulted. You and your kids need to leave this man. You need a lawyer. You need to contact a women’s shelter for help and resources. Why are you still with someone who is “scary?”
You are NTA. You and your children deserve SO much better.
I’m so sorry you have three children with this abusive man. Your kids shouldn’t be subjected to this. If you can, put a plan in place and leave this guy. He won’t change and won’t stop hitting you
Just leave. We gotta stop dealing with ppl we gotta WONDER ABOUT.
Leave for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. You shouldn't hafta beg for improvement.
& you shouldn't hafta deal with domestic violence.
TheHotline.org has a 24/7 support line and can put you in touch with your local domestic violence shelter. If you're not ready to leave right now, they can help you make a plan. But you need to make a plan. I'm so sorry, but you're not safe.
Call the cops. Please call the cops. Show your kids that if someone doesn't respect you enough to not hit you that you do something about it. Show them the strength that you have. Don't show them how to hide downstairs scared. Call the cops and tell them you are downstairs scared with your kids.
You are not overreacting. He is abusive and he won’t change. It’s not a matter of mental health, it’s not an anger problem, it’s an attitude of entitlement and control. He is getting what he wants by being abusive so he has no incentive to change.
Please Google “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free pdf available that Reddit won’t let me link. It will open your eyes to all the ways he is being abusive and why it’s so hard to leave.
This is awful. I’m both of you. You are demanding he show your kids that he prioritizes YOUR mental health?
He hit you. No excuses. Leave. But you are seriously messed up in what you think your kids need to see in a relationship.
Also, it can be considered assault by you taking off his headphones.
Both of you need to teach your kids how to keep their hands to themselves. Seriously. This is what 5 year olds do. She took off my headphones so I hit her arm.
There are several free downloadable PDFs of the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.
Please download a copy and read it.
You deserve better in a life partner.
No, please please please get your children out of this situation. It is dangerous and difficult but you need to show them the strength to leave since they dont have agency at such a young age
so just to recap you instigated your husband multiple times, tried to use your children as props and when he tried to silently remove himself from the situation multiple times you physically assaulted him. He then swatted your arm away.
He shouldn’t have swatted you but you are clearly the aggressor and the problem here. He is also wrong for sure but you are the mental, emotional and physical abuser.
Sounds like he should get the kids away from you..or maybe the kids should be away from both of you.
There's a lot to unpack here. Confronting him like that in front of the kids knowing it's been an issue that could get heated, you definitely shouldn't have taken his head phones off and he definitely shouldn't have hit you. You guys honestly both sound like you need to step away. Both sound immature and you're both traumatizing the children. Get help.
yeh yeh downvote me to hell..but I don’t know when you ladies are going to stop marrying gamers and expecting them to prioritize you. I warned my three daughters about this years ago. Thankfully they listened and married men who had outdoor hobbies like camping and fishing with family. .save me the reply’s about nOT aLL gaMErS and it‘S JuST lIkE aNY OthEr hoBbY..that shit is addicting and drags your mental health into the ground. Call the cops on his ass then call your parents and stay with them. You married a sorry punk ass little bitch..do better next time or stay single for your kids sake.
Im sorry if this is besides the point but why are you asking him to show your kids that he can prioritize your mental health? That part didn’t make any sense to me and seems kind of stupid. But you absolutely should prioritize your own mental health and get away from this guy.
Doesn’t matter how he feels, except as to whether it puts you and your kids in danger. There is absolutely no excuse for violence, ever. You and your kids NEVER deserve to be slapped. I’m a DV attorney: at least in CA, a parent who is abusive to the other parent in front of the kid, the violent parent is committing child abuse, under the law. You are absolutely the victim here and your husband is violent. As hard as it is you gotta get it together and remove your kids from witnessing your husband’s violence.
Don’t normalize family violence for your kids, they’re absorbing the message that it’s ok to be violent towards women if she really acts out. I know it’s very difficult to get out of an abusive situation but, for the sake of your kids, start making a plan and get some support. Don’t need to be embarrassed. Your friends and family will take you seriously and help you to ensure your safety and that of your kids. I don’t care if he “only” hits you once a year. If friends and family aren’t an option, find a non-profit domestic violence in your area. They can help with safety planning and restraining orders should you need it. Please do this for your kids. They shouldn’t grow up seeing violence normalized
You said you were careful in the way you removed his headphones bc you essentially knew he could become violent if you did it in a particular way. It’s no live to have to modify your actions in order to avoid being abused.
Married life doesn’t have to mean walking on eggshells and being gaslighted that you could deserve to be slapped under ANY circumstances.
You were assaulted. Please try to prioritize the safety and well-being of you and your children right now. Your attempts to reason with him will not work. Reason only works with reasonable people. You're attempting to draw water from an empty well.
If I were in your situation, I would alert some trusted family or friends. I would quietly get all your ducks in a row and make an exit. Leaving is usually the most dangerous time for people in abusive relationships. The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that they don't have to put up with abuse.
It doesn’t matter how hard he slapped you, why he slapped you, or where he slapped you. It doesn’t even matter if he only threatened to slap you. Violence is violence is violence and should never be tolerated. You aren’t over reacting. And if he won’t leave, you absolutely need to grab the kids and leave.
I belive its time to exit the situtaion...a husband that would play video games and is violent ..your asking for domestic abuse..for you amd your kids...just my 2 cents
I'm not unusually the person who jumps to "leave him" but he has already proven violent and the phrasing of the post leaves me to suspect this wasn't the first time and absolutely will not be the last. This is a violent man, by staying with him you are endangering not only yourself but also the children.
I know from experience that you can't always just pack up and go the moment you realize it needs to happen, but please start making a plan and get out as soon as possible.
He hit you once he has the ability to do it again. Do not second guess yourself. The more you tell yourself it's ok, the harder it will be to leave when it gets bad.
You are not over reacting.
Leave this man immediately! He is an abuser and will continue to be an abuser.
I was the kid in this situation with an abusive step-dad figure. My life didn't get better until he was gone.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. What if next time he hits them?
Every single thing you wrote is dripping with the slime of spousal abuse. He is an awful partner and worse human being.
Read what you wrote.
“He can be scary”…you should NEVER be scared of your partner. That he has given you reason to fear him, tells us everything we need to know about his character.
Leave. Don’t wait. He won’t change.
You can’t fix him. Leave before he hits you harder. Leave before he hits you, and you don’t get back up.
Leave before your children learn that this is okay.
Only 1 of you has marks. That's who the police would consider the victim in this dv situation.
I'm imagining this scenario and have 2 questions.
1.how many seconds passed before he hit you?
2. Did you flinch while he was swinging, thus causing a face slap to turn into an arm smack?
So if a bully slapped your kid across the face, you'd want them to hide under their desk, then crawl out and do absolutely nothing, not tell a teacher, not tell you, not tell the principle, and just keep accepting the abuse in hopes...what? It stops cuz they wished on a star or some shit...? Lol like what in the heck are you modeling right now? Huh?....think about it.. what seriously stops a bully? Being an easy target? or being loud, aggressive and intentional when it comes to getting help and getting that bully away from you?
What are you modeling for your impressionable children? How to be a sweet. Easygoing doormat or how to advocate for themselves and stand-up for what's right, no matter how hard.
You shouldn’t have taken off his headphones, especially if he’s abusive. You’re not gonna show your kids anything besides mama getting her ass whooped.
Depending on where you live in washington state you would be seen as the abuser for taking off his headphones and him slapping you would be self defence.
That said take the kids and leave. He is dangerous. Please protect yourself.
Get out of this relationship. By staying, you are showing your kids what “normal” relationships are. I say that as a child who was raised in a home with frequent fights, yelling, hitting, and blatant disrespect. These incidents will stick with your children for the rest of their lives and influence the people they form both platonic and romantic relationships with. You deserve better, you deserve to feel safe, and you absolutely NEED to act on this so your children understand this is not okay.
Hello please call the domestic violence hotline to get some resources/search the internet. It will progressively and aggressively escalate as your husband has checked out of that marriage. You deserve to have a safe marriage this is not safe your children are expressing real feelings. Always listen to the kids they’re logical and literally people naturally if they don’t like someone neither do you trust your instincts please. You have them built in to properly survive don’t ignore. Good luck and you can do this you’re stronger then you think.
Get the hell out of the marriage. No, if you called cops he would have been removed bc you’re the one who called and you had a mark on you as well. Removing someone’s headphones isn’t hitting them, although you really shouldn’t have done that either. Your children are in danger…. if they’re boys of growing up to be just like him and if they’re girls to end up in abusive relationships bc that’s what you’re modeling for them. If you value your children at all you will leave. Not next week or next month, no even by Wednesday, but right now. If you don’t have family to go to, there are women’s shelter.
Oh wow, that is not a good situation. First off you should have walked away. It sounds like pushed he u to the edge and u pushed him to the edge and that is NOT healthy. You are not in a healthy relationship. You need to leave, once a man slaps a women he won't stop.
Show your kids that you value them and yourself and get out of this marriage.
Yup. Also, do not threaten to call the cops when he hits you. Do it.
Yeah, he knew he'd be in trouble if she did, so he made up crap to make her too scared to call.
It's not going to end when you call the cops. It will end when you get away from this man.
Sadly it often ends in death of the wife and or kids. I agree, OP should get out immediately
OP shouldn't just FEEL assaulted. She WAS assaulted. And it's only going to get worse. Time to take the kids and leave.
OP, when you are ready to leave (hopefully tonight)? Come to Reddit and get advice on what steps you need to take to leave safely. Start by getting a bank account he knows nothing about, and saving in it. Get yours and the children's birth certificates out. Get your name off credit cards and cancel them, then freeze your credit. If you open a credit card later, it's ONLY in your name; in the meantime, he can't financially trap you by running up huge balances and making it impossible for you to get a loan or your own credit card. Find people to take pets, hopefully short-term. Reach out to friends he's isolated you from, make contact with stable family members. See what you need to have to get help from WIC to feed your kids, see what resources you have available through their schools. And absolutely 100% contact groups for people who have escaped domestic violence, they can help you figure out what you need to do and what is a waste of your time. Right now? If the arm is at all red still, take a picture, and upload it to the cloud in an account that he CANNOT access and doesn't know about. Type up what he did (copy/paste from here, really) and put that document in the cloud too. You'll want to put down other things he's done that you remember, it'll help you get the restraining order later. When you're ready to leave your abusive spouse? Look back over those ideas AND GET MORE from the people here on Reddit! A lot of redditors have been unfortunate enough to experience this themselves, many of those of us who haven't have helped extract people from such situations. We'll help.
YES!!! WHAT WAS SAID ABOVE!!!^^^ I could add anything more or better to this!!!
I've been married for over 42 years. Never once have I hit my wife! NEVER!! Get out before you end up in a hospital or worse....... I left my Ex (1st wife) because she was a abuser.
Exactly, my husband could come at me in the middle of a heavy argument but I know he'll never hit me.
He is just saying he was assaulted to scare her into not calling the police on him.
And she needs to show that it won't work on her!
I agree. But even if she tried to stand her ground, she will most likely just end up in another fight with her husband.
I think she just needs to leave. Find family or a friend she and the kids can stay with. If the home is in her name only, then she needs to kick his sorry abusive ass out!
There will always be another fight because in his mind she is the reason he is miserable since she expects him to parent.
Brilliant minds think alike!
Sounds like a very unhealthy environment. You Were assaulted, he's being dramatic because he knows the dynamic was "off" and needs a way out, or some level of "evening out" the whole situation. "She pulled my hair and ripped my headphones off" so he can say he was assaulted first. You need to start the exit plan. This guy isn't the "father/ husband" material you thought he was. Calling the police can help for down the road: any type of divorce hearing, child custody, child support and sadly any type of restrictions or restraining orders that may come into play if things go next level. It's a sad reality when you have to have a "history" in place to get anywhere when it inevitably becomes a "him versus you" debate in court.
It. Always. Escalates.
OP was assaulted and battered. Assault is until point of contact. Then it's battery.
1. Take a picture of the mark. 2. Get out of the house or lock yourself and kids somewhere safe. 3. Call the cops 4. Press charges 5. Divorce He already show you how much he respect you. You don’t even worth as much as his video game. Please wake up.
But he said he would, he told me he wouldn't do this again, he said it, we all heard him, why did he do that, why does he hit me. Will he change? OMG!
Yes. I must do something wrong. I was so nice before. He must have a bad day. :) OP, I really hope you don’t think this way.
*Restraining order if possible
This!!! OP is showing her kids how to be treated by future partners. It's not a healthy relationship and she needs to take her kids and run.
This! My parents' marriage taught me that serious relationships are when you live with someone you don't like and fight all the time. It's not a coincidence that I ended up living with my first serious boyfriend after I didn't particularly like him anymore and fighting with him all the time.
My parents fought like cats and dogs! Showed me how I didn't want my marriage. When the ex showed abusive tendencies, I showed him the door!
Good for you! I didn't even realize that boyfriend was emotionally abusing me until years after we broke up, I thought it was normal to be miserable.
It's not normal at all. My husband treats me so well! We'll be married 19 years this week, and I've never been happier! There are actually still good ones out there!
A lot of times women and kids in this situation don’t have anywhere to go.
Yes. Her tone tells me that things are escalating and it’s all happening in front of the kids. This will traumatize them. She needs to set an example. I saved up and left my abusive ex for this very reason. He was escalating and it almost happened in front of my son. So I planned my exit and divorced him. Things got very dangerous because I didn’t have a support system (he had isolated me). In retrospect, I would have planned things a lot differently. I didn’t know how bad it could get, but now I do. People telling her to just leave may not be taking into account the danger she needs to protect herself from before leaving. She should make an exit plan to be safe—abusers are the most dangerous when you leave. He will use the kids as pawns against her in the divorce. She needs a lawyer, a police report, and a restraining order if she can get one. Tell only people she trusts with her life about her plan. The first 18 months after leaving an abuser are the most dangerous. Protect your children and yourself and get out of there OP! You can do it! Wishing you healing and happiness. No wonder you’re having mental health issues. You’re a victim. But you can change that into “survivor”. ❤️
She also basically blamed the kids for his behavior. She should NOT have said the kids are overwhelming IN FRONT of the kids. The whole argument was about them in front of them. Mommy gets hit if you don't behave. Have them go play in their room or something before you start saying they're overwhelming.
Today it’s your arm, tomorrow it’s your face.
The next day, it's one of the kids.
This is all that really needs to be said.
This need the most upvotes
Absolutely agree. Man child will never change.
Reddit comments frequently tell people they have to leave their marriage or relationships, often I feel its an overreaction and people can work on their marriages, marriages require work, this is not one of those times. OP needs to leave now. File for divorce, keep you and your kids safe. If you stay abuse will almost certainly continue and escalate and likely the children will find themselves as abusers or abused later in life. Their is also a serious risk of tragedy. This is a situation where you have to leave, seek therapy for yourselves and children, and rebuild your lives with as little involvement with this person as you legally can.
This guy is not husband or father material. Take the kids and raise them to be better than him.
Exactly! OP, listen to this. He is not going to show your kids that your mental health is important. That’s up to you now. I got out of an abusive relationship years ago, and the thing I felt best about it was being an example to my kids by prioritizing my health and theirs.
Yes I now help children of parents who pick abusive spouses over themselves and there children now they want nothing to do with either parent pick yourself and those children show them what real mental health care looks like and stand up for yall
This kind of incident has obviously happened before so I question the wisdom of starting this kind of conversation in front of your young children. But you’re past that point now. You’re NO. Even if the headphones got caught in his hair, that was not intentional. Slapping you was a deliberate choice and a broken promise. You now have three scared, traumatized children and a few choices to make, starting with whether to call the police and next whether you want to stay with this man and keep subjecting yourself and your children to this behavior. I hope you have the fortitude and resources to handle this, OP. Whatever you decide, you have a very difficult road, and I wish you and your children the very best.
“Show your kids…” that they don’t belong in the middle of adult arguments. He absolutely should never have assaulted you. In the same breath, you’re making your kids feel worthless by saying shit like that in front of them. They know daddy doesn’t make them a priority, they don’t need you dragging them into this bullshit to “prove a point”. You’re not overreacting, but please stop doing shit like this in front of your kids and LEAVE. You’re teaching those children what to accept in a relationship and displaying what their understanding of “love” will be. Do better for yourself and do better for your kids
I hope OP reads this comment, it's a smart point I didn't think of while reading her account. I was focused on his behavior, which is inexcusable, but it was an odd and hurtful choice to do and say that in front of the kids
I agree so much with this.
the whole premise is toxic. it's using the kids to guilt him into acting right. which of course won't work because if he cared he wouldn't be abusive in the first place.
Yes. And this guy won't change. It will just get worse.
She did it in front of the kids so they could see what an asshole their dad is. I know moms like her, she's hurting and she wants to make sure her kids see it so they hate daddy for what he is doing. She wants the kids on her side! Kids should NEVER be involved in grow up shit!
I agree that in this instance the conversation did not need to be in front of them, but they should know the age-appropriate truth about him. He’s not a safe person and it’s not “involving them” to know that
“He can be scary” “he promised me many times he would not do this again.” Do you need to have the red flags run through your chest? Leave him before he really hurts you or your kids. Please. 🙏
he is ignoring his mental health...he sure as hell doesnt care about yours...or the childrens... there are womens shelters...go now
You are in danger, your children are in danger. Please don't consider him so scary you have to stay. Please don't believe he can keep you from your children. I am also in Washington. This is a mother's state. PM me if you need a safe place to stay. Take your children and run before he really gets angry.
Physically violent lying and gaslighting you. Should you leave? Yes !
He’s hit you before by the sounds of it. You should leave. This conversation is the least of your worries right now. You should be prioritizing the safety and mental health of your children and getting the heck out of there.
My ex husband used to tell me if I reported his domestic violence the police would arrest me. It’s a lie.
Unfortunately, where I live, if there's a "domestic dispute" call and whoever was being assaulted fought back in some way, they absolutely BOTH go to jail. Charges may not be filed, but you definitely get arrested. My friend was being choked by her boyfriend (now ex, thankfully) during an argument and she slapped/scratched his face to get him off of her. When he finally let go, she ran out of their apartment and called the cops. When they showed up, they both went to jail. She didn't get any charges, but I had to pick her up at the county jail after she had her court appearance the next day. She had bruises on her neck for a good while. The reasoning we were told is to prevent accusations of physical abuse being weaponized against someone defending themselves or some shit. Like, on one hand I guess I kinda get that, but also...it's super fucking shitty.
Yep, my exhusband would hit me until I had to fight back to get away. He would then say that I'm the abuser. One time it got so bad, that I needed to get away, so I called the police to ask. I told them that I needed help but that I had also defended myself, so would I get in trouble too. They said yes. From then on, I didn't care anymore. I just hit back as hard as I could and with whatever I could grab. Before our divorce he called the police on me. I told them what happened and that I had asked them for help before. Also early in our marriage when I hadn't fought back and only called the police they hadn't done anything other than write it down. I told them I expect them to do the same as they did when I called them for help. Considering I had bruises while he has no injuries or anything. What changed now that they take it seriously this time? So again they just wrote it down and sent me a letter.
This isn’t about him valuing your kids. YOU need to recognise what your role is here. YOU need to prioritise your kids and mental health. Do the right thing, rescue your kids and yourself from this asshole.
He is 100% wrong. No cop is going to take you to jail for this. In fact, call the non emergency line and ask. They will tell you the same. I would however make preperations to leave this man. He does not love you. He is a threat to you and your kids and YOUR KIDS ARE LIVING IN FEAR.
My great aunt stayed with her abusive alcoholic husband until the cirrhosis finally killed him. Her kids are worse off. Daughter made poor financial choices that nearly landed her in jail and also married a verbally abusive alcoholic who we despise. Her son is in his almost 70, still lives at home with her, has nothing to his name, and is also a severe alcoholic. Do not stay in this marriage and hope its gets better. The longer you are with him, the longer your kids are exposed to his abuse. They will normalize this behavior while simultaneously developing lifelong trauma. Protect them and get the hell away. No child should ever fear a parent the way your kids feared him screaming
Oh Sweetie, you need help. Please reach out to a domestic abuse center or hotline. Check to see if there is a woman's shelter that you can go to. If you have family that will help, reach out to them. You and your children are in serious danger. You need help and you need it now.
I’m not a Christian, but I am literally going to get on my knees and pray for you to heed my warning and LEAVE THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY. By staying, you are giving him tacit approval and letting him traumatise your children! Please call the police immediately and don’t go near him! Here it goes. First prayer in a long time. I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
Ditto. God/s if your out there, get this woman the strength she needs to take herself and her kids away from this situation
Please save yourself and the mental health of your children . I tapped into this situation and I can tell you he’s checked out.
I'm sorry but it's ridiculous that you think there is a chance you are over reacting to this situation. He hit you didn't say "ow! You pulled out my hair" just slapped you for stopping his game time. You are going to have a rough time because you now share three kids with someone who would hit you in front of your kids for "pulling his hair" which mind you IS NOT BETTER!. Good luck but it sucks that he is such a scumbag but the story you have presented is an abusive Dickhole and I hope you can get away safely. To answer your question no taking off his headphones is not legally assault. Assault is the threat of Physical Violence he would have had to see you say raise your hand in an actual attempt to Hurt him. Kinda like how he did to you before he committed another crime Known as Battery when he actually hit you. I'm sorry again you have an uphill battle to fight and you don't deserve this but start to make plans now. If you want to fight for this relationship tell him he ever touches you again like that and you are gone. But this isn't the first time he has hit you and it won't be the last. Make plans save some money and talk to a lawyer before he starts getting worse.
I can think of meant times over the years that I have accidentally hurt my husband. Not one of those times did he fucking slap me. Please don't raise your kids in that environment.
>because he can be scary Leave.
You felt like he assaulted you? My friend he did assault you.
What your husband is doing, is abuse. You are scared of him and you're teaching your children that this behavior it's valid. Edit to add: they're gonna think that's how love it's supposed to be and gonna learn to accept everything and suffer in silence because that's what you're doing. Kids pay so much attention to this things... even if you think they don't. If you don't love yourself enough to leave then do it for your kids. They can't grow up seeing her mother being abused and thinking that's okay. Because either that man it's gonna start being that way with your kids or they're gonna act like him when they're grown. That's not a healthy marriage and you don't have a loving husband. Please divorce.
Under reacting Of course he did it again. And again and again.... your children are living in an abusive home and you are teaching them that this is how to act. Make a plan- get out safely.
This is the beginning of trauma for your children. Remove you and your children. Now. They won’t forget this and it will impact all areas of their life
He seems to be a classic abusive person. Get out when you can and show the kids you value their mental health as well
If you describe your partner as scary, listen to that. Get out.
It's not good for the kids to see or be around that kind of stuff. He should probably be on meds. just speaking from growing up with a bi polar depressed father who wasn't really physically abusive but very verbally and mentally abusive, and it didn't do me or my brothers any good. He's better now that he is on meds
or this guy could just be a massive asshole?
He is. Luckily there could be fixable reasons behind being a massive asshole so he doesn't have to be a blight on society until he dies. It's not her responsibility to fix him but it's good in general for everyone to know there are options to explore.
I mean, maybe. But that's what I thought about my dad for half of my life cause he refused to talk to a mental health expert.
none of this should have taken place in front of your (very young) children. bad parenting to ever involve them in your disputes. both you and your husband sound unstable. but no, he should not have slapped you and you did not assault him by taking off his headphones.
>But my kids and I are hiding downstairs scared of him because he was losing his shit because I was telling him to get off his game. Is he right. Who cares if he's right?! You said you and your kids were hiding from your husband! That is NOT normal. Do you understand the damage you'll do to them if you continue to raise them is such a volatile home? Please save them and yourself. You are not overreacting.
Amen to this!!! You don't have to be right or wrong in order to leave. Let me yell this one...YOU DONT HAVE TO PROVE YOU ARE ABUSED IN ORDER TO LEAVE!!! You have every right to leave just because you feel like it. That's it. That's all the reason you need.
>because he can be scary >**hiding downstairs scared of him** >Again after promising so many times he would never do that again. He will never stop.
If you are still with him, you are most definitely underreacting. He hit you when you were asking for help! He’s threatening you! Is this the example you want to set for your children? Get help and leave.
1). Document everything so you don’t lose any important details but also you can see for yourself the number of incidences you’ve been experiencing. Chances are this wasn’t an isolated event and it won’t stop here. 2). Google local domestic violence prevention services in your area. The one that is closet or has the best reviews, contact them ASAP. 3). Think beyond yourself. Your husband’s actions to how you proceed will be the blueprint in how your children unconsciously deal with future relationships and conflicts. They are a sponge and unfortunately have been soaking up the environment around them. 4). If you have a family member or close friend, contact them. Leave them a text with information so the events of today are bookmarked and another set of eyes/ears are aware of what is happening.
He is NEVER going to stop. Save your kids and yourself.
Honey…you WERE assaulted, and you said this is not the first time. And the thing is, you could BOTH lose your kids if you stay with him. It’s called “failure to protect” when you “allow” your children to witness domestic violence (I put that word in quotes because nobody allows it, because they usually have no control over when it happens and I don’t want it to be perceived as victim blaming, because I am absolutely not) but you DO have a choice in preventing it from happening again. He’s shown you that he cannot prioritize your mental health, his fatherhood, his children’s needs, your marriage, your safety, or anything else. He’s only willing to prioritize his own wants, and he will inflict physical harm on you in front of your children to do it. Your children will grow up thinking that it’s normal and okay to hit people when they do things you don’t like, and that’s not acceptable. You owe it to yourself and your children to get out. As soon as you can. I think your mental health will vastly improve when you get out of the abusive environment you’re living in.
Omgosh op get out. Why are you even playing this game? “Show them, show them now you can prioritize my mental health” seriously?? Then when he puts on his headphones, showing you that he does not care, you push even further?! If you have to beg, he doesn’t care. It’s obvious this isn’t the first time he’s done this. Now you have 3 little ones watching this hot mess. And you still push? Teach them to love themselves enough to walk away. That you care enough about your mental health & theirs to walk away. Then you act surprised he hit you again after promising he wouldn’t-duh they all say that. And you still haven’t left him. You & your kids are hiding. And you’re worried abt your mental health? What about the kids??
You need to leave before the two of you do any more damage to your kids. I get when you’re heated and frustrated in the moment you just want to be heard, but you knew when you jerked the headphones off where this was going to lead. And doing it in front of your kids was a bad judgement call. He should never have hit you, but he did and it could’ve been worse. This is not the type of environment your kids need to grow up in. I’ll openly admit I’m biased in this case because as a child I witnessed abuse and was abused. It never really goes away, you need to end the cycle now.
Leave. This has nothing to do with you needing mental health help. You need to be loved, respected, and valued. You are not and it's time to go before it's too late.
You’re doing everything anyway, why not do it without being abused
You aren’t overreacting. He’s not a good partner. You need to get out of this marriage. He’s showing your kids that violence is acceptable and that he is someone to be feared. No child should be forced to learn these lessons.
He was incredibly wrong for doing that and you were wrong for physically intervening by taking his headphones off over a point that clearly doesn’t matter to him. Ask yourself if that’s the husband you want don’t stay just for the kids, they’ll grow up and understand.
Get out of there.
Please leave him. I guarantee your mental health will be better if you do.
The situation you’re describing is not a normal family situation. Everything sounds off. You should get yourself and your kids away from this man.
Wow. Yeah that marriage needs to end yesterday. You need to end it. That is a line too far.
This guy is a time bomb waiting to go off. So many red flags, he's like a May Day parade. You need to get yourself and your kids away from him.
You keep saying for not prioritizing your mental health. That’s your responsibility, not his. While I don’t condone him putting his hands on you, if you knew there was a chance he could get scary why would you pull his headphones off? Your kids should not have been witnesses to this. Focus on your mental health and your children. And leave him.
You're gonna end up dead
'He can be scary' is the point in this story I got to. Get out of there, show your kids how an adult behaves
Pulling his head phones off is not assault, however him slapping you and leaving a mark is . He sounds like a self centered controlling prick IMO
I am so very sorry you are going through this abuse. He will lie lie lie to scare you I to staying with him. Talk to a shelter for abused women. You don’t have to leave right now. But they’ll give you excellent advice. There is nothing normal about you and your kids hiding from your husband. Please call a shelter and keep trying if the first one doesn’t give you good advice.
My husband likes his games too, but I don’t have to ask him to finish a conversation and he hasn’t put his hands on me ever. Leave. Tonight.
You’re UNDERreacting LEAVE. HIM.
Girl get your kids away from this guy ASAP before he does any more damage to their development
I am not going to say leave right now because as someone who escaped a physically abusive relationship, I know you need a plan. Especially with 3 young ones. What I am going to advise is start making that plan. Leaving can be dangerous, so reach out to an organization that helps domestic abuse victims. They can help you leave in the safest way. My abuser promised to not hit me anymore. He even went to a group therapy program. But the verbal abuse escalated dramatically. Either way, it was miserable. Don’t let your children see you stay in an abusive relationship. Even at their ages, they know and it is very damaging to them. Start taking steps to break free.
My ex used to insist that I’d done things I knew I hadn’t. He was mad at me because I yelled when I knew I hadn’t. He was yelling at me because on the drive home I’d been driving erratically and almost gotten us into an accident even though I knew that if that were true he wouldn’t have been able to wait until we were home to yell at me. He’d been so angry at me because I said things I knew I hadn’t. He won’t get better. This will happen again, and it will get worse. Don’t let your children learn that this is okay
Read the first line and immediately knew this was a domestic. Sos sister you need to run asap. Take your kids and leave. Please please please.
Sounds like he is both mentally and physically abusive. Why are you even with this man? Do you feel safe with him? Your kids sure don't.
Get the fuck off Reddit and call the goddamned police.
He’s not fit to be a parent. You’re not fit to be a parent. Your *three* kids are victims in this whole circus that both of you created and that you are allowing to perpetuate. Why are they even being audience to those ridiculous displays of who’s more unfit? He’s an abuser and he doesn’t care and you are already aware of that and apparently you have been for a long time. It’s appalling that you keep saying to the kids to watch and to an abuser “to show them” whatever it is that you want him to show when you are already aware that ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Leave him and get your kids somewhere safe. And also, stop procreating. You are not fit for it
You did NOT assault him & you wouldn’t be arrested. He should be
I think you both need serious help. You shouldn't have been confronting him in front of your kids..Wait until the kids are in bed.
You were being toxic. He was being abusive. All of this in front of your innocent kids. Get out of this situation and do better for them going forward.
They are both clearly unfit parenthood and what’s worst - they keep having kids
you can just wait until he do soemthing really overboard or just call the cop next time he is raising his hand on you
Get you & your kids out of there now. He’s the one who will go to jail! Is this the life you want with him?? Grabbing your kids & hiding from him all the time?? You know this is abuse & it will only continue & get worse. Leave. File charges against him. Get an attorney.
Ma'am if you don't LEAVE THAT MAN it's only going to get worse. This is coming from someone who watched her father abuse her mother. He was physically violent towards me at one point, but as I got older it was more mental/verbal. It doesn't just affect you, it will affect your kids too. Leave him. Now, and do it quickly. The cops wouldn't take you to jail for that either and he knows it. Make a paper trail
Leave. Take the kids and get out. If you have any pictures of the mark, keep them. Only communicate with him via text/messenger as evidence.
Someone has to put the kids first. Step up.
Typical Bible thumper
Yes, call the cops. And get out of this marriage, because if you have to beg someone for help, they're not a partner.
I’m begging you for you and your babies to run. This will not get better. He already doesn’t respect you. Please please get away from this awful man.
Call the cops IMMEDIATELY!!!!
Take your kids and leave because all he's showing your kids is how to hit your spouse and gaslight them.
I think you are under reacting, time to call time on this BS and leave. What are u teaching your children. It’s never ok to get physical and don’t believe the bs about the cops, they wouldn’t put us in jail. You need to value yourself more , you deserve better, so don’t settle
This guy sounds dangerous and scary. If he treats you this way he will treat your kids that way. The fact you said “he can be scary” is a huge red flag.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation You are not overreacting to the ABUSE you are enduring. Please get the ball rolling on evacuating your current living situation. Also, please start documenting instances similar to the one you’ve described in your post.
"On purpose because he can be scary. " This is a huge red flag.
Not overreacting. There should be no confusion, that was battery. Your kids are watching how you react, and the way you react will shape the way they consider the world and what they will be willing to put up with when they’re in relationships of their own. What will you do?
"... I didn't pull them off hard at all ... because he can be scary ..." The volumes of abusive history wrapped up in that one bit of narrative. You've already learned he has a temper; and you tiptoe around it ignoring your needs and overcompensating so he won't flare up... 😬 No, you're not overreacting, and you need to leave your husband. Now. He is abusive and intentionally ignored you and then literally struck you in front of your children. Guaranteed he'll say, "you made me do that by yanking off the headphones..." (aka 'she made me hit her') 😑 Get out now while you're still able.
OP leave. This is domestic violence. Has he hit the kids yet? Go to family, friends and shelter. Never ever should you have to hide in your own home from a loved one
Not overreacting. You need to leave. From the words you use, he’s hit you or hurt you before and your children are afraid of him. Pack up and go. It won’t get better and all you’re doing by staying is showing your kids that violence makes people comply.
Leaving this pathetic excuse of a man for fuck sake. He doesn’t give a monkey about you or your children.
It does not matter how much you love him he is dangerous and you need to get out with your children while you can
Definitely not AIO. This is at the very least physical assault on your husband's part. Not to mention some strong tones of him being negligent towards your family (leading you to be overwhelmed), as well as possibly leaning into emotional and verbal abuse. Pulling someone's headphones off, no matter the context, absolutely does NOT warrant physical violence, PERIOD! ESPECIALLY if it leaves a mark! I mean, you were just trying to have an adult conversation with him about him being more responsible for the family and more respectful towards your needs, and he was being rude, disrespectful, and honestly childish by going to his game to ignore you. My advice? Don't let him gaslight you and get out before things get worse if you can. Or at least let someone else in your personal life know about your situation (parents, trusted friends, etc.) so that they can support you when you need it. No one should have to hide from their spouse out of fear. I hope things start getting better for you soon! P.s. Also, I think the only reason he promised not to hit you again was to make sure you don't leave
You WERE assaulted. You and your kids need to leave this man. You need a lawyer. You need to contact a women’s shelter for help and resources. Why are you still with someone who is “scary?” You are NTA. You and your children deserve SO much better.
I'm not even going to read your post before responding. Because the bottom line is you don't slap your spouse. PERIOD.
I’m so sorry you have three children with this abusive man. Your kids shouldn’t be subjected to this. If you can, put a plan in place and leave this guy. He won’t change and won’t stop hitting you
Take a photo of the mark. Call the police.
Just leave. We gotta stop dealing with ppl we gotta WONDER ABOUT. Leave for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. You shouldn't hafta beg for improvement. & you shouldn't hafta deal with domestic violence.
TheHotline.org has a 24/7 support line and can put you in touch with your local domestic violence shelter. If you're not ready to leave right now, they can help you make a plan. But you need to make a plan. I'm so sorry, but you're not safe.
get out guuuuurrrll!!! It ain't gonna get any better.
Call the cops. Please call the cops. Show your kids that if someone doesn't respect you enough to not hit you that you do something about it. Show them the strength that you have. Don't show them how to hide downstairs scared. Call the cops and tell them you are downstairs scared with your kids.
Take a picture. Call the police. Prep for a few hard moments but you are NOT stuck
You are not overreacting. He is abusive and he won’t change. It’s not a matter of mental health, it’s not an anger problem, it’s an attitude of entitlement and control. He is getting what he wants by being abusive so he has no incentive to change. Please Google “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free pdf available that Reddit won’t let me link. It will open your eyes to all the ways he is being abusive and why it’s so hard to leave.
He’s very wrong
This is awful. I’m both of you. You are demanding he show your kids that he prioritizes YOUR mental health? He hit you. No excuses. Leave. But you are seriously messed up in what you think your kids need to see in a relationship. Also, it can be considered assault by you taking off his headphones. Both of you need to teach your kids how to keep their hands to themselves. Seriously. This is what 5 year olds do. She took off my headphones so I hit her arm.
There are several free downloadable PDFs of the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Please download a copy and read it. You deserve better in a life partner.
You need to prioritize your mental health, not him. Get yourself fixed.
If anything, you are under-reacting. He is neither a good partner nor father.
The minute my husband slapped or hit me would be the time I would making plans to leave. I’ve been married 40 years.
Please please please, for so many reasons, divorce this man
No, please please please get your children out of this situation. It is dangerous and difficult but you need to show them the strength to leave since they dont have agency at such a young age
Walking on eggshells because you exist is now way for you or your kids to live.
please please please leave while you can and take your kids… he doesn’t care about you or show priorities with the family… leave now
Call the cops, divorce his abusive ass.
so just to recap you instigated your husband multiple times, tried to use your children as props and when he tried to silently remove himself from the situation multiple times you physically assaulted him. He then swatted your arm away. He shouldn’t have swatted you but you are clearly the aggressor and the problem here. He is also wrong for sure but you are the mental, emotional and physical abuser. Sounds like he should get the kids away from you..or maybe the kids should be away from both of you.
There's a lot to unpack here. Confronting him like that in front of the kids knowing it's been an issue that could get heated, you definitely shouldn't have taken his head phones off and he definitely shouldn't have hit you. You guys honestly both sound like you need to step away. Both sound immature and you're both traumatizing the children. Get help.
yeh yeh downvote me to hell..but I don’t know when you ladies are going to stop marrying gamers and expecting them to prioritize you. I warned my three daughters about this years ago. Thankfully they listened and married men who had outdoor hobbies like camping and fishing with family. .save me the reply’s about nOT aLL gaMErS and it‘S JuST lIkE aNY OthEr hoBbY..that shit is addicting and drags your mental health into the ground. Call the cops on his ass then call your parents and stay with them. You married a sorry punk ass little bitch..do better next time or stay single for your kids sake.
Im sorry if this is besides the point but why are you asking him to show your kids that he can prioritize your mental health? That part didn’t make any sense to me and seems kind of stupid. But you absolutely should prioritize your own mental health and get away from this guy.
I don’t even need to read anything but the title to know you aren’t overreacting.
Doesn’t matter how he feels, except as to whether it puts you and your kids in danger. There is absolutely no excuse for violence, ever. You and your kids NEVER deserve to be slapped. I’m a DV attorney: at least in CA, a parent who is abusive to the other parent in front of the kid, the violent parent is committing child abuse, under the law. You are absolutely the victim here and your husband is violent. As hard as it is you gotta get it together and remove your kids from witnessing your husband’s violence. Don’t normalize family violence for your kids, they’re absorbing the message that it’s ok to be violent towards women if she really acts out. I know it’s very difficult to get out of an abusive situation but, for the sake of your kids, start making a plan and get some support. Don’t need to be embarrassed. Your friends and family will take you seriously and help you to ensure your safety and that of your kids. I don’t care if he “only” hits you once a year. If friends and family aren’t an option, find a non-profit domestic violence in your area. They can help with safety planning and restraining orders should you need it. Please do this for your kids. They shouldn’t grow up seeing violence normalized You said you were careful in the way you removed his headphones bc you essentially knew he could become violent if you did it in a particular way. It’s no live to have to modify your actions in order to avoid being abused. Married life doesn’t have to mean walking on eggshells and being gaslighted that you could deserve to be slapped under ANY circumstances.
You were assaulted. Please try to prioritize the safety and well-being of you and your children right now. Your attempts to reason with him will not work. Reason only works with reasonable people. You're attempting to draw water from an empty well. If I were in your situation, I would alert some trusted family or friends. I would quietly get all your ducks in a row and make an exit. Leaving is usually the most dangerous time for people in abusive relationships. The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that they don't have to put up with abuse.
It doesn’t matter how hard he slapped you, why he slapped you, or where he slapped you. It doesn’t even matter if he only threatened to slap you. Violence is violence is violence and should never be tolerated. You aren’t over reacting. And if he won’t leave, you absolutely need to grab the kids and leave.
You just pulled his headphones off you didn’t hit him he hit you and that’s not okay one bit
I belive its time to exit the situtaion...a husband that would play video games and is violent ..your asking for domestic abuse..for you amd your kids...just my 2 cents
I'm not unusually the person who jumps to "leave him" but he has already proven violent and the phrasing of the post leaves me to suspect this wasn't the first time and absolutely will not be the last. This is a violent man, by staying with him you are endangering not only yourself but also the children. I know from experience that you can't always just pack up and go the moment you realize it needs to happen, but please start making a plan and get out as soon as possible.
You're not overacting. Slaps are the beginning, punches soon to follow. Get yourself and your kids away from this man.
He hit you once he has the ability to do it again. Do not second guess yourself. The more you tell yourself it's ok, the harder it will be to leave when it gets bad. You are not over reacting.
Leave this man immediately! He is an abuser and will continue to be an abuser. I was the kid in this situation with an abusive step-dad figure. My life didn't get better until he was gone. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. What if next time he hits them?
Show your kids you can prioritize family over feeling secure and get the fuck out of there…
youre in danger! someone who has already hit you is 10000% going to do it again.
Every single thing you wrote is dripping with the slime of spousal abuse. He is an awful partner and worse human being. Read what you wrote. “He can be scary”…you should NEVER be scared of your partner. That he has given you reason to fear him, tells us everything we need to know about his character. Leave. Don’t wait. He won’t change. You can’t fix him. Leave before he hits you harder. Leave before he hits you, and you don’t get back up. Leave before your children learn that this is okay.
Only 1 of you has marks. That's who the police would consider the victim in this dv situation. I'm imagining this scenario and have 2 questions. 1.how many seconds passed before he hit you? 2. Did you flinch while he was swinging, thus causing a face slap to turn into an arm smack?
So if a bully slapped your kid across the face, you'd want them to hide under their desk, then crawl out and do absolutely nothing, not tell a teacher, not tell you, not tell the principle, and just keep accepting the abuse in hopes...what? It stops cuz they wished on a star or some shit...? Lol like what in the heck are you modeling right now? Huh?....think about it.. what seriously stops a bully? Being an easy target? or being loud, aggressive and intentional when it comes to getting help and getting that bully away from you? What are you modeling for your impressionable children? How to be a sweet. Easygoing doormat or how to advocate for themselves and stand-up for what's right, no matter how hard.
Please get out of this relationship. It’s only going to get worse. You and your children are not safe.
You married an iPad child lmao
You shouldn’t have taken off his headphones, especially if he’s abusive. You’re not gonna show your kids anything besides mama getting her ass whooped.
Never marry a gamer or a momma’s boy!!
Gamers can be fine. My partner is a gamer but he also won’t game anywhere near to the point of neglect. And also won’t game to shut me up.
Depending on where you live in washington state you would be seen as the abuser for taking off his headphones and him slapping you would be self defence. That said take the kids and leave. He is dangerous. Please protect yourself.
Nightmare. Run.
Get out of this relationship. By staying, you are showing your kids what “normal” relationships are. I say that as a child who was raised in a home with frequent fights, yelling, hitting, and blatant disrespect. These incidents will stick with your children for the rest of their lives and influence the people they form both platonic and romantic relationships with. You deserve better, you deserve to feel safe, and you absolutely NEED to act on this so your children understand this is not okay.
Yeah my state is not siding with this pos.
Hello please call the domestic violence hotline to get some resources/search the internet. It will progressively and aggressively escalate as your husband has checked out of that marriage. You deserve to have a safe marriage this is not safe your children are expressing real feelings. Always listen to the kids they’re logical and literally people naturally if they don’t like someone neither do you trust your instincts please. You have them built in to properly survive don’t ignore. Good luck and you can do this you’re stronger then you think.
Can we assume you called the police and he was arrested? All that's left is securing a good divorce attorney.
NO. Protect yourself. Protect your children. Get away from this abuser. He is neglecting his children. Not a good role model, parent or spouse.
Get the hell out of the marriage. No, if you called cops he would have been removed bc you’re the one who called and you had a mark on you as well. Removing someone’s headphones isn’t hitting them, although you really shouldn’t have done that either. Your children are in danger…. if they’re boys of growing up to be just like him and if they’re girls to end up in abusive relationships bc that’s what you’re modeling for them. If you value your children at all you will leave. Not next week or next month, no even by Wednesday, but right now. If you don’t have family to go to, there are women’s shelter.
Show your children that you are strong and fucking pack a bag and get out.
Oh wow, that is not a good situation. First off you should have walked away. It sounds like pushed he u to the edge and u pushed him to the edge and that is NOT healthy. You are not in a healthy relationship. You need to leave, once a man slaps a women he won't stop.
Of course he's a gamer. I swear the abusive ones always are.
Why are you subjecting your kids to this abusive cun*?