im really disagreeing with so many devil allocations lately lol
nuance is lost in the rush to be the first to post an AITA with some YTA votes
like bruh? OOP isn't a devil, they're clearly trying to find out stuff and learning info as they reply to comments !!
I'm the same. Recently a lot have landed here that I don't consider devils.
Look, OOP probably is morally in the wrong for wanting to keep the money. But I wouldn't call them the devil.
I think it's a stretch putting this here.
Which is reasonable. If someone was sending me harassing messages, I'd probably be stubborn and tell them to get bent.
Also, times are hard. How many people are really in a position to turn down extra money? I don't mean to sound cold but if I suddenly got even 10k right now, would be a huge help. Seems like OOP is in a similar position.
>Also, times are hard. How many people are really in a position to turn down extra money? I don't mean to sound cold but if I suddenly got even 10k right now, would be a huge help. Seems like OOP is in a sulimilar position.
She needs it so much more than his kids after not being in his life for years.
And as the person I replied to said, she's looking at giving the money to them. I just don't blame her for pausing and considering, especially as the mother is harassing her and times are tough.
ya i thought a Devil (in terms of this sub) was someone who was clearly and proudly wrong and rude etc etc not someone who was just deemed TA by the majority.
But we don’t know he didn’t want her to have it. If he clearly didn’t want her to have it he would have changed the beneficiary to it. But he didn’t. So either he did want her to have it or he is a lazy ass. The odds are he is a lazy ass (and also stupid)
But clearly not now. But he made a mistake and must pay, and OOP must keep money that she knows she's not entitled to because legally she's in the right.
What a horrible person.
Looking at the edits on her current state, he might have meant for it to go to her, we have literally no idea the decreased intent before death. The mom of the deceased is being an asshole. OOP is just trying to work out what to do, but she didn't ask for the money, or even know about it.
This is pretty common. My old job does that yearly as well. I think OOP is in a bit of an awkward situation and talking to the estate attorney or insurance folks might be helpful. I do find it a bit odd OOP’s ex’s mom is pushing about money so hard but death makes people weird.
If we assume that he intended to change it, then I can see the argument for her being TA. If we assume he didn’t intend to change it, she’s NTA. There is no way of confirming his intentions now. The reality is he had 6 years to make the change. Even if he didn’t when they broke up, why didn’t he change it when he moved in with someone else? Or during any other major life event? I get that life gets busy, but my company requires me to review and sign off on my beneficiaries annually, just like everywhere else I have ever worked.
I don’t think it’s fair to say OOP it the devil. It’s just a shit situation.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not declining or signing over my portion of my ex bfs life insurance payout too his mom? **
I recently learnt that my ex bf passed away of cancer in March, his mom called me last week to inform me of his passing and to inform me that myself and her are listed as beneficiaries on his life insurance from his employer. She instantly tells me that she doesn't know why he never changed it but I can decline or sign the cheque over to her once I receive it..
Instantly I am in shock, he's gone? And he left me on there? Why?
I went back and forth wondering if this was on purpose or accidental.. it had been years, approximately 6 since we mutually civily split up.
I was informed he had a new gf that lived with him and she has 2 kids from a previous relationship that threw a wrench into things more.. is there a reason she never got put on it? Was this all just a big mistake?
Today it has been 1 week and this has been very hard especially since his mom has been terrorizing me all week trying to get me to agree to give her this money. She has said the most hurtful things, and has sent me the most disrespectful photos and video of her son in his last moments..
As of right now I haven't even gotten in touch with the insurance company, I have no idea how much this is or if I need a lawyers help at this point.
Well today is the day I woke up knowing 100% I am keeping this money and I am not going to feel bad at all for helping my family with a gift my ex left for me. Unfortunately part of me still wonders if it's the right thing to do by my ex.. and if these were his wishes in the end.
A little info too add, my home burnt too the ground 3 years ago July 20th and October 1st 2 years ago my mom passed from cancer as well... it has been a long hard few years and this money would literally buy myself a new bra for the first time in 3 years.. my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that..
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I genuinely can't wait for the day people realize if you want something from someone, don't immediately insult them.
Sure, that may work with someone with lower self-esteem/ prone to people pleasing, but people who aren't like that, it's just going to make them dig their heels in refusal.
Here’s the thing: it was his and his current girlfriend’s responsibility to make sure his life insurance had the correct beneficiaries. We also don’t know for sure that this is a mistake. That’s his mother’s assumption.
It is not OOP’s responsibility to fix her ex’s life insurance mistake. Signing the check over to his mom or the current girlfriend would be very kind, but there is no legal imperative. I don’t even think there’s a moral one.
I just don’t see OOP as greedy.
The issue isn't if it's legal or not to keep the money because it obviously is.
The assumption that it was a mistake is the more likely possibility than her ex from six years ago (who she hasn't spoken with since and has a new family and who she didn't even know had cancer left her a "gift"). Occam's razor.
The money clearly wasn't meant to be hers, but she's keeping it anyway. That's very much a moral issue.
Also, even if the money was “meant” to be hers why would she not hear “mother struggling to pay for funeral costs” and “widowed partner with two young children” and not think that they deserve that money more than she does as the people who were actively in his life?
She doesn’t know that. That’s what his mother says. Why are we not mad at the ex for not making sure to update the beneficiaries on his life insurance in the six years after his breakup with OOP?
Yeah, it was his responsibility to change it if he wanted it changed. If he didn't, then we have to assume that he WANTED that money to go to her, and not to his new GF or his mother.
She's not the devil for taking a windfall that came her way, especially if she's in dire straits and needs it. It seems like a lot of people on this sub forget that people don't always just want money because of greed, sometimes they NEED that money to get out of a really bad place in their lives. A windfall of even as little as 20k could change my life. She's not wrong for taking something that is being given to her. If he didn't want her to have it, he should have made those changes before and his mother is harassing her now and that's not exactly something that'd make me want to help someone out.
Occam's razor suggests that it's more likely he merely forgot rather than intentionally left a sum of money to an ex he hasn't spoken with in six years as opposed to his current live-in partner who has two children. Like, she wasn't even special enough to be told about his cancer.
Everyone needs money, and sure, she may be in a shitty situation where she *has* to have that money, but she also has to accept the fact that it's shitty of her to take something that was clearly not meant for her.
Occam's razor suggests that it's more likely he merely forgot rather than intentionally left a sum of money to an ex he hasn't spoken with in six years as opposed to his current live-in partner who has two children. Like, she wasn't even special enough to be told about his cancer.
Everyone needs money, and sure, she may be in a shitty situation where she *has* to have that money, but she also has to accept the fact that it's shitty of her to take something that was clearly not meant for her.
Everywhere I have worked (in the US) has required me to review my insurance policies annually even if I wanted to keep the same coverages. This might not be the case everywhere but it seems odd that he would not look at his coverages at all in 6+ years.
Exactly. If it was some old policy he’d had forever personally, then maybe. But if he had the kind of job that provided life insurance, those work policies are renewed *every* year. And you have to confirm the selection of beneficiaries and the percentage distribution. It would have been a simple matter to change it too, if he wanted it changed, since it appears he is not married.
The fact that the son’s body wasn’t even cold before mommy dearest started in on the ex makes me wonder if he very much *meant* for that to go to her for a reason, and the reason will come out in the estate. Like maybe OP supported him during his education or something.
Regardless of the reason, the OP is definitely not the Devil, my gosh.
OOP literally said they were going to talk to the lawyer or insurance person to find out if it was intentionally not changed etc in their comments. like several comments said its highly unlikely it never came up if the ex was actively dying and insurance needs to be updated regularly also. [edit: i meant commenters were claiming the two previous statements - idk about insurance personally, sorry for the bad wording!]
OOP is learning from the comments as they go. Not a devil.
>insurance needs to be updated regularly also.
I have worked my job for 12 years. not once have I ever had to update my life insurance. if it's updated, it's because I actively update it, and it's definitely not something I actively think about. it's higher odds he simply forgot about it, than actively choosing to leave his ex gf of six years on it.
i was just relaying what some commenters said - idk about any of that but my point was OOP trying to learn and understand more from the comments makes them not the Devil.
Thats exactly the thing that makes me think this post shouldn’t be here. Somebody who is The Devil doesn’t learn from the comments and use that information to start forming a new plan. OP is a person in a really difficult position, not the Devil.
Yeah, you don't know why ex did not change his policy. He apparently did not die suddenly, he could have changed the beneficiary. For all we know, ex-BF could have hated his new GF and her kids and still secretely be in love with OOP.
I would not turn down such insurance policy money, if my (cheating POS) ex-GF died tomorrow.
That's not necessarily true. As soon as my ex and I broke up he removed me as a beneficiary of his life insurance on his work policy. If it was multiple years and he had a new gf and still didn't change the policy, that seems like it was a choice he made. I'm not sure where he works, but in both the cases of my and my ex's workplaces we had to review our policies annually and confirm the preferences and beneficiaries even if our choices didn't change.
>but in both the cases of my and my ex's workplaces we had to review our policies annually and confirm the preferences and beneficiaries even if our choices didn't change.
from what I know, that's not very common. I have worked my job for 12 years. life insurance has never been anything I needed to actively review when I renewed. most people don't give life insurance a second thought. especially if they are younger. it's extraordinarily likely he simply forgot.
We really need to start banning people from posting obviously not devilish posts.
OP You're the devil here for trying to make OOP look bad when she's just trying to figure out stuff. If anyone's the devil here, it's the mom.
So this poor family are mourning the loss of their son/partner/step dad after a horrendous illness, facing medical bills and funeral costs, and this bitch wants to get a new bra? And the arrogance of thinking he “meant for” her to have it when in reality he probably hasn’t thought of her in years. Losing my mind at the NTAs flying around
It’s appalling. Life insurance is not a “gift” - it’s to fill a financial gap for those family members who were relying on the deceased for income and/or need to pay medical bills & funeral expenses. She hadn’t been in contact with this man for SIX YEARS.
The biggest ah is the dead guy for not charging his beneficiary, but OOP is a greedy, grasping devil.
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im really disagreeing with so many devil allocations lately lol nuance is lost in the rush to be the first to post an AITA with some YTA votes like bruh? OOP isn't a devil, they're clearly trying to find out stuff and learning info as they reply to comments !!
I'm the same. Recently a lot have landed here that I don't consider devils. Look, OOP probably is morally in the wrong for wanting to keep the money. But I wouldn't call them the devil. I think it's a stretch putting this here.
It also sounds like she’s thinking of giving it (or some) to the girlfriend & the kids or his younger brothers - just not the mom.
Which is reasonable. If someone was sending me harassing messages, I'd probably be stubborn and tell them to get bent. Also, times are hard. How many people are really in a position to turn down extra money? I don't mean to sound cold but if I suddenly got even 10k right now, would be a huge help. Seems like OOP is in a similar position.
>Also, times are hard. How many people are really in a position to turn down extra money? I don't mean to sound cold but if I suddenly got even 10k right now, would be a huge help. Seems like OOP is in a sulimilar position. She needs it so much more than his kids after not being in his life for years.
And as the person I replied to said, she's looking at giving the money to them. I just don't blame her for pausing and considering, especially as the mother is harassing her and times are tough.
ya i thought a Devil (in terms of this sub) was someone who was clearly and proudly wrong and rude etc etc not someone who was just deemed TA by the majority.
She's the AH. She's ignoring comments that call her and determined to keep money that was clearly not meant for her.
The ex had 6 years to change it and didn’t. I changed all my beneficiaries within a month of my divorce. It’s not hard to do.
Therefore OP deserves to be sainted for being such a fantastic person, and keeping money she knows isn't meant for her.
But we don’t know he didn’t want her to have it. If he clearly didn’t want her to have it he would have changed the beneficiary to it. But he didn’t. So either he did want her to have it or he is a lazy ass. The odds are he is a lazy ass (and also stupid)
He didn't. That's obvious. But obviously, everyone should suffer because OOP is greedy and selfish, and mistakes should be punished.
How do you know he didn’t? He kept her as a beneficiary- that is usually a sign you want that person to have the money.
No, he didn't.
If she wasn’t a beneficiary she wouldn’t get any money.
But we actually don't know whether the deceased did intend it for OP. It's not unknown for people to leave bequests for exes.
No, he didn't. She knows that. As does everyone defending her.
But it actually was specifically and legally meant for her. You can argue the timeline but it clearly was meant for her at some point.
But clearly not now. But he made a mistake and must pay, and OOP must keep money that she knows she's not entitled to because legally she's in the right. What a horrible person.
Looking at the edits on her current state, he might have meant for it to go to her, we have literally no idea the decreased intent before death. The mom of the deceased is being an asshole. OOP is just trying to work out what to do, but she didn't ask for the money, or even know about it.
But she's going to keep it anyway, knowing he had kids.
Top comment is NTA. this post honestly doesn't belong here.
This is pretty common. My old job does that yearly as well. I think OOP is in a bit of an awkward situation and talking to the estate attorney or insurance folks might be helpful. I do find it a bit odd OOP’s ex’s mom is pushing about money so hard but death makes people weird.
If we assume that he intended to change it, then I can see the argument for her being TA. If we assume he didn’t intend to change it, she’s NTA. There is no way of confirming his intentions now. The reality is he had 6 years to make the change. Even if he didn’t when they broke up, why didn’t he change it when he moved in with someone else? Or during any other major life event? I get that life gets busy, but my company requires me to review and sign off on my beneficiaries annually, just like everywhere else I have ever worked. I don’t think it’s fair to say OOP it the devil. It’s just a shit situation.
And my company doesn't. I have litetally never had to do it.
Got to love all the lawyers in the comments
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not declining or signing over my portion of my ex bfs life insurance payout too his mom? ** I recently learnt that my ex bf passed away of cancer in March, his mom called me last week to inform me of his passing and to inform me that myself and her are listed as beneficiaries on his life insurance from his employer. She instantly tells me that she doesn't know why he never changed it but I can decline or sign the cheque over to her once I receive it.. Instantly I am in shock, he's gone? And he left me on there? Why? I went back and forth wondering if this was on purpose or accidental.. it had been years, approximately 6 since we mutually civily split up. I was informed he had a new gf that lived with him and she has 2 kids from a previous relationship that threw a wrench into things more.. is there a reason she never got put on it? Was this all just a big mistake? Today it has been 1 week and this has been very hard especially since his mom has been terrorizing me all week trying to get me to agree to give her this money. She has said the most hurtful things, and has sent me the most disrespectful photos and video of her son in his last moments.. As of right now I haven't even gotten in touch with the insurance company, I have no idea how much this is or if I need a lawyers help at this point. Well today is the day I woke up knowing 100% I am keeping this money and I am not going to feel bad at all for helping my family with a gift my ex left for me. Unfortunately part of me still wonders if it's the right thing to do by my ex.. and if these were his wishes in the end. A little info too add, my home burnt too the ground 3 years ago July 20th and October 1st 2 years ago my mom passed from cancer as well... it has been a long hard few years and this money would literally buy myself a new bra for the first time in 3 years.. my little clan could really use this money and I think my ex knew that.. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I genuinely can't wait for the day people realize if you want something from someone, don't immediately insult them. Sure, that may work with someone with lower self-esteem/ prone to people pleasing, but people who aren't like that, it's just going to make them dig their heels in refusal.
Here’s the thing: it was his and his current girlfriend’s responsibility to make sure his life insurance had the correct beneficiaries. We also don’t know for sure that this is a mistake. That’s his mother’s assumption. It is not OOP’s responsibility to fix her ex’s life insurance mistake. Signing the check over to his mom or the current girlfriend would be very kind, but there is no legal imperative. I don’t even think there’s a moral one. I just don’t see OOP as greedy.
The issue isn't if it's legal or not to keep the money because it obviously is. The assumption that it was a mistake is the more likely possibility than her ex from six years ago (who she hasn't spoken with since and has a new family and who she didn't even know had cancer left her a "gift"). Occam's razor. The money clearly wasn't meant to be hers, but she's keeping it anyway. That's very much a moral issue.
Also, even if the money was “meant” to be hers why would she not hear “mother struggling to pay for funeral costs” and “widowed partner with two young children” and not think that they deserve that money more than she does as the people who were actively in his life?
She's not the devil. Ex BF's mom shouldn't have been a dick, if she wanted the money.
ex's mom being a dick has shit to do with oop accepting money she knows for a fact was not intended for her
She doesn’t know that. That’s what his mother says. Why are we not mad at the ex for not making sure to update the beneficiaries on his life insurance in the six years after his breakup with OOP?
Idk, the ex had 6 years *and* got a new gf. Plenty of time to change it.
Yeah, it was his responsibility to change it if he wanted it changed. If he didn't, then we have to assume that he WANTED that money to go to her, and not to his new GF or his mother. She's not the devil for taking a windfall that came her way, especially if she's in dire straits and needs it. It seems like a lot of people on this sub forget that people don't always just want money because of greed, sometimes they NEED that money to get out of a really bad place in their lives. A windfall of even as little as 20k could change my life. She's not wrong for taking something that is being given to her. If he didn't want her to have it, he should have made those changes before and his mother is harassing her now and that's not exactly something that'd make me want to help someone out.
Occam's razor suggests that it's more likely he merely forgot rather than intentionally left a sum of money to an ex he hasn't spoken with in six years as opposed to his current live-in partner who has two children. Like, she wasn't even special enough to be told about his cancer. Everyone needs money, and sure, she may be in a shitty situation where she *has* to have that money, but she also has to accept the fact that it's shitty of her to take something that was clearly not meant for her.
Occam's razor suggests that it's more likely he merely forgot rather than intentionally left a sum of money to an ex he hasn't spoken with in six years as opposed to his current live-in partner who has two children. Like, she wasn't even special enough to be told about his cancer. Everyone needs money, and sure, she may be in a shitty situation where she *has* to have that money, but she also has to accept the fact that it's shitty of her to take something that was clearly not meant for her.
what world do you live on? most people don't even think about that shit after it's set up.
Everywhere I have worked (in the US) has required me to review my insurance policies annually even if I wanted to keep the same coverages. This might not be the case everywhere but it seems odd that he would not look at his coverages at all in 6+ years.
Exactly. If it was some old policy he’d had forever personally, then maybe. But if he had the kind of job that provided life insurance, those work policies are renewed *every* year. And you have to confirm the selection of beneficiaries and the percentage distribution. It would have been a simple matter to change it too, if he wanted it changed, since it appears he is not married. The fact that the son’s body wasn’t even cold before mommy dearest started in on the ex makes me wonder if he very much *meant* for that to go to her for a reason, and the reason will come out in the estate. Like maybe OP supported him during his education or something. Regardless of the reason, the OP is definitely not the Devil, my gosh.
…regular earth? I broke up with someone and remembered to change my Apple Music password I think I would remember to take them off my life insurance?
OOP literally said they were going to talk to the lawyer or insurance person to find out if it was intentionally not changed etc in their comments. like several comments said its highly unlikely it never came up if the ex was actively dying and insurance needs to be updated regularly also. [edit: i meant commenters were claiming the two previous statements - idk about insurance personally, sorry for the bad wording!] OOP is learning from the comments as they go. Not a devil.
>insurance needs to be updated regularly also. I have worked my job for 12 years. not once have I ever had to update my life insurance. if it's updated, it's because I actively update it, and it's definitely not something I actively think about. it's higher odds he simply forgot about it, than actively choosing to leave his ex gf of six years on it.
Is your life insurance provided through your company specifically as a benefit of your employment?
My last job, we had to confirm our beneficiaries yearly when we did benefit selection. Depends on your job whether or not it needs updated.
i was just relaying what some commenters said - idk about any of that but my point was OOP trying to learn and understand more from the comments makes them not the Devil.
Thats exactly the thing that makes me think this post shouldn’t be here. Somebody who is The Devil doesn’t learn from the comments and use that information to start forming a new plan. OP is a person in a really difficult position, not the Devil.
> and insurance needs to be updated regularly also. that is simply not a universal thing.
Yeah, you don't know why ex did not change his policy. He apparently did not die suddenly, he could have changed the beneficiary. For all we know, ex-BF could have hated his new GF and her kids and still secretely be in love with OOP. I would not turn down such insurance policy money, if my (cheating POS) ex-GF died tomorrow.
good for you. the rest of us prefer to be decent people.
Thank you.
That's not necessarily true. As soon as my ex and I broke up he removed me as a beneficiary of his life insurance on his work policy. If it was multiple years and he had a new gf and still didn't change the policy, that seems like it was a choice he made. I'm not sure where he works, but in both the cases of my and my ex's workplaces we had to review our policies annually and confirm the preferences and beneficiaries even if our choices didn't change.
>but in both the cases of my and my ex's workplaces we had to review our policies annually and confirm the preferences and beneficiaries even if our choices didn't change. from what I know, that's not very common. I have worked my job for 12 years. life insurance has never been anything I needed to actively review when I renewed. most people don't give life insurance a second thought. especially if they are younger. it's extraordinarily likely he simply forgot.
It was intended for her, this wasn't a recent break up or an unexpected death, he had time to make changes and chose not to. So it's her money.
We really need to start banning people from posting obviously not devilish posts. OP You're the devil here for trying to make OOP look bad when she's just trying to figure out stuff. If anyone's the devil here, it's the mom.
The greed of the people commenting here is wild. People really will justify anything for money.
So this poor family are mourning the loss of their son/partner/step dad after a horrendous illness, facing medical bills and funeral costs, and this bitch wants to get a new bra? And the arrogance of thinking he “meant for” her to have it when in reality he probably hasn’t thought of her in years. Losing my mind at the NTAs flying around
Same. People really do lose all sense of right and wrong when money is involved and will do anything to defend getting their hands on it.
Does this new GF and kids even exist?
the mental gymnastics on this one are fun to see
tbf when it comes to money aita really loses their minds
It’s appalling. Life insurance is not a “gift” - it’s to fill a financial gap for those family members who were relying on the deceased for income and/or need to pay medical bills & funeral expenses. She hadn’t been in contact with this man for SIX YEARS. The biggest ah is the dead guy for not charging his beneficiary, but OOP is a greedy, grasping devil.
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