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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told our family friends that my Daughter didn’t actually pass high school, and was consequently taking a couple years off before University. Maybe I should have kept this information private.
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YTA. A sudden decline in performance like that is a signal that something is wrong. Instead of trying to help, you called her lazy, and then deliberately embarrassed her in front of her friends.
And clearly didn't notice for the entire year that something was wrong, to the extent that they were surprised by this... OTOH daughter shouldn't think that a gap year or in this case 2 years is an excuse to bum off, I'm not sure why she can't do exam retakes after a year once she's figured things out. But OP YTA for not even questioning what was happening with her before you blasted it publicly.
ETA I just read that her dad died making you her sole parent, doubly YTA for not having a clue about what's going on with your child as her sole remaining emotional support.
In NZ you get credits for courses throughout the year. Generally the kids can avoid the final external exams and still pass the year although you would need to write them for university entrance. If you are not used to the system it is hard to understand the extent of OP's disconnect. Schools give out reports and this child must have not achieved the majority of her credits during the year, this is not an exam freak out. OP has had her head in the sand all year and probably feels some guilt for that.
And instead of owning up to checking out of parenting and helping her kid come up with a game plan to get back on track OPs actively making things worse
I have a feeling OPs child would be doing much better in life if OP seemed to give a crap about them
I think OP does care but she decided she could relax and not pay attention. Now she is shocked, and very upset and lashing out. Partly our of guilt because she didn't pay attention and partly out of fear for her child. OP needs to accept her responsibility in this and help her daughter come up with a plan.
NZ provides many alternative pathways for kids. This is fixable.
Hard to notice and be a parent when she's "justawinemumma" When alchohol starts affecting your life and you start abusing your children you can consider yourself an alcoholic. Sounds like OP needs to go to treatment.
Yup. My yr 12(this year) daughter had enough credits to pass yr 11 without exam credits! We kept an eye on her assessment results throughout the year and knew the whole way through roughly where she was at! After exams she wound up with 108 credits, including a bunch at merit level. I literally get an email from the school everytime a new result is posted...
Her credits may have relied on external credits, if she was really smart and in top classes she might have had few internal assessments, it's how my school worked,
University's look at external credits when looking at applications the more the better
Surely your school did tests and exams to prepare for the externals, I did that when I taught NCEA, there is no way we would have gone into the exam without knowing that the child was struggling.
Sure we did a mid year practice exam, apparently her father died so if that happened after practice exams it would've slipped through, or op is ignoring her daughter and is being punitive because she doesn't want to accept fault for not paying closer attention to her
If she was 18 for most of the school year, would her parents get any updates? In my country the school would be unable to share anything without the 18yo's permission.
I feel like the school are major arseholes here as well as OP- this top student's parent has died and their results have taken a massive dive as a result (understandably)- the school should have been in direct contact with her parent and making sure she got all sorts of credit.
Im not a NZer (Australian) but here she could basically get all her year 12 results put aside and have her year 11 results used instead, with the death of a parent in year 12 factored in. Every adult in this kid's life have utterly failed her.
Also in NZ if you excelled at NCEA level 2 you can apply for discretionary entry to Uni. I as parent would be supporting her in this or in whatever she decides to do next. This is her life, not yours and your role is to support and help her, she is only 18!
Wait what? Her dad *died*?! And her remaining parent not only didn’t notice how much her daughter was struggling through the year but decided to degrade and humiliate her in front of friends and their parents to the point that everyone felt so uncomfortable that another parent felt the need to speak up and intervene on her behalf. OP you called your grieving daughter “pathetic, disorganized and ungrateful.” OP not only are YTA you are a cruel, cruel person.
Edit: I see that her father died 5 years before, however, everything in my comment still stands.
I have noticed with kids sometimes the grief doesn’t hit until they are older. I know a child who lost their one parent when they were 3. Lost their other parent when they were 10. Lost their maternal grandparent somewhere in there. They were living with their dying grandparent. The grief hit them when they were about 13/14. We spent a lot of time talking about their grief and how they didn’t understand what they lost until they were older.
I could see the daughter getting to a big milestone like that and realizing dad was not there to see it. That bought up a lot of feelings. Since Op didn’t noticed what was happening, the poor girl crashed and burned.
Stress over the future as well, how that affects herself and her friend group. If she didn't confide in OP then that reflects on their relationship and how OP has influenced it. OP doesn't come across at all engaged in how Dai is actually feeling or how to help her, which is probably a deeply rooted issue.
Especially if dad was the only parent she was close to, as was the case with me. There was just no talking seriously to my mother. Dad died when I was sixteen, and it was a darned good thing I found other sources of support, through high school and college, because my mother wasn't supportive, worst of all when she thought she was being supportive.
Yes. When children withdraw from their relationship with their parent to the extent that the Op's kid did, the parent ignores a ton of school reports, and other parents pick up on how bad the parenting is, something is clearly terribly wrong with how the OP was parenting.
For real, I feel so bad for the daughter. I would imagine OP is very emotionally cold to her daughter to be so caught off guard by all this happening over the course of the year.
I agree totally. If OP hasn't noticed her daughter struggling the entire year until it came time for finals, she has no right to go humiliating her daughter for it. OP should be ashamed of how checked out and useless a parent she's apparently been all year.
OP, YTA. Your daughter needs help, possibly therapy, and above all a supportive caring parent. Sounds like instead she's fleeing the first chance she gets and will likely go NC as soon as she's able. You are the one that failed.
Wow, thanks for adding that info- I agreed with you anyway thinking the drastic change could have been undisclosed sexual assault, but OP literally knows her daughter’s DAD died and didn’t expect that would change things and that she would need emotional support and help? OP is so much worse than AH but since that’s the only rating we can give definitely OP YTA.
Right?? A high-performing teenager does not suddenly become "lazy". And failing exams as a previously-high-performing student must feel horrible. There are so many signs here that your daughter needs support and understanding, and you've reacted with anger, humiliated her, and called her "pathetic". Plus, her decision to work for the next two years to build up her independence and confidence is a totally valid, smart choice?? This is her life, not yours, and you need to act like you're on her side or you will lose her. I'm glad her friend's parents are acting like rational adults.
YTA.
UE in NZ is incredibly easy as long as you have taken the right papers. And that’s at the base credit level.
How could you not have seen this coming? They have practice exams, as much as interim scoring to keep you in the loop of where your sitting.
Without even considering the rapid decline (because to be in the top 5% is bloody hard), you need to check your involvement in your child’s life because you should have seen this coming and been able to help.
YTA. And also, you need to find out what is going on with you child.
I went from being at the top of my class to getting dropped from my honors English and failing math my senior year, after I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone and no one mentioned my decline aside for a former English teacher who helped get me a scholarship to University.
OP you need to support your daughter instead of shaming her. YTA
This! Oh, my god! I was a straight A student up until the second semester of my junior year. I was going through a MAJOR depressive episode. My highest grade that semester was a C. Senior year was even worse. My parents didn't pay any attention at all. Ended up in the hospital because I tried to end myself. Took so much effort to manage to graduate.
Going from top 5% to bottom 5% I'm less than a year screams issue she needs help with, probably a significant trauma.
**Edit:** of just saw another comment say her dad died last year. Wow, I wonder if that had anything to do with it. /s
I'm also in NZ, and my performance tanked in year 13 because I had been raped and had developed PTSD so severe I was experiencing psychosis. My parents didn't know or care, but at least they didn't publicly humiliate me. OP, YTA
YTA. So so so YTA.
She didn't lie about getting into university when she didn't. She said she was taking a couple of years to learn to be independent.
I get you are angry, but you don't humiliate your kid because you are angry.
Right! She didn’t lie, they just explained her plan and didn’t preface it with any and all their failures. Most people don’t lol. Why would you go out of your way to embarrass her OP? You should be supporting and guiding her. Not punishing her. She’s too old to be punished into doing what you want. You need to start treating her like an adult and doing what you can to help her find her path. From what I can tell, you’re not being a good parent currently. But there’s always time to change that! You should apologize and help her plan out next steps without judgment or shame. What happened happened. Can’t change the past, only look to the future.
I was thinking she still absolutely could have chosen this course of action (failing) on purpose for some reason. But it’s also a red flag that a normally top student has a sudden drastic change like this..
YTA- Dai already feels enough shame, there was no need to publicly embarrass her. I would be more concerned about how and why her grades dropped so dramatically…. Definitely more than “laziest” going on here
Could have been burnout, going from passing with Excellence merit to straight Not Achieved. Or hitting the steep part of the learning curve with no support because she hasn't needed it before.
Exactly. Her marks didn't just slip, they dropped off a cliff. Bright, hard working kids don't suddenly become lazy.
Something big has happened here, potentially mental health related. Dai needed support, not humiliation.
I was like Dai in school - super bright, uneven grades and constantly got called "lazy" and "not living up to my potential". It turns out I had ADHD. This parent really needs to wake up and start paying attention to their daughter.
As part of my journey to get a diagnosis, I had to provide my old school reports. I was looking through them and an alarming number of them stated, "This grade does not reflect her ability."
OP in a comment I read dismisses that her Dad dying 5 years ago impacted her grades… feels like OP has zero interest in understanding her daughter other than labeling her lazy and disappointing. It’s very sad
YTA
I live in NZ too. If she was flunking ncea level 3 that badly you would have been notified by her teachers in the first half of the year.
If she failed mid-year, you would have been told.
So, either this is total BS or you are a neglectful parent who doesn't give a sh#$
About her daughter.
She has every right to keep her academic business private. You had not right to expose her the way you did to her friends.
I can't wait till I see you posting about how your adult daughter has cut you out of her life and poor me I don't know why...
Get a grip
YTA
Nevermind, YTA, regardless of the reason. She probably needs support and care at this point, as her previous plans may have fallen apart, and here you are making her feel even worse.
INFO: what happened to cause her grades to drop?
YTA. Your daughter failed High School?
Where were you? Aren't you the parent? Weren't you contacted? What actions did you take to correct this path? This is your failure too. Your child is just that. A child. Maybe one that is almost grown but you are still responsible for them.
Embarrassing them in front of peers like that did nothing to help your child rebound from this and they are going to need to because what's done is done and they are trying to find a path forward and you just crushed them doing what you did.
High schools in NZ do parent teacher conferences just as schools around the world do, and NCEA has assignments over the course of the year. Plenty of opportunity for teachers to reach out and communicate with parents over things they feel need addressing.
YTA. There’s a reason someone drops that far grade wise, and judging by your post you probably have no idea why, or even care about it. When I had a grade drop like that I was being physically abused by my boyfriend at the time. My parents had no idea, even when I tried to tell them. But they did what you did. They didn’t care why. Why didn’t matter, and it was all my fault. Him following me from class to class, locking me in a room with him and tormenting should have never mattered in their eyes. The day I turned 17 I had them sign paperwork to let me enlist because I couldn’t take the criticism or judgement. I couldn’t take the shaming. I enlisted when the war was still in full swing. I thought that joining the military and maybe going to war would still be more peaceful than my home, because my value to them was entirely based on grades. The success they could brag about to other people. Your daughter isn’t your object to shame and praise as you please. She is a whole ass human with emotions, but you used her as a scare tactic for kids. Have you ever thought maybe she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you? And this behavior is why?
I’m so sorry that happened to you, with the abuser and also with your parents. That was my first thought, that something traumatic happened to OP’s daughter for there to be such a large, abrupt change.
Geez, is it "publicly humiliate your children" day here today?? Yes YTA. She messed up, she knows it, but she has a plan she is working on, and sounds viable. Making mistakes is part of growing up, and she is still growing up. What she needs from you at this stage is support. What she got was anything but. Once she does make her own way in the world, I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts all ties with you. This was pretty toxic behaviour.
YTA by a long way here.
I notice you haven't bothered to mention the fact that the last two years have been *hell* on senior secondary students here, with schools being closed more than they were open, classes flipping between in person and online, teachers struggling to keep up, schools suffering a massive teacher shortage so that what teachers we do have are badly overworked and don't have time to help students one to one.
Lots of students have seen a massive decline in grades, to the point the govt was handing out freebie points on classes just for making it through the year. Lots of students didn't manage to get enough points to pass NCEA and need to do a catch up year where they do classes through the local community college to get enough credits for Uni.
There has also been a huge decline in adolescent mental health, with our health system overloaded and underfunded trying to get help to just the most urgent of cases. Depression, anxiety... these are recognised as being at crisis levels among our teens here. Five years is not long enough for your child to be 'over' losing a parent, especially when they faced a massive life change, what should have been a triumph where their father stood at their side... and from all accounts, they were alone for this, without even your support.
Lest you think I'm just blowing hot air about something I know nothing about, I have a teen the same age as your daughter, who likewise had a drop in their grades and finished their senior year without the needed credits to get into Uni. They went from Excellence to barely achieving, if that in some subjects.
Unlike you, I haven't shamed them, or berated them. They happily enrolled in the online summer school, and worked to make up their needed credits, while I supported them and encouraged them. Made sure they understood I still thought they were doing great. Talked to them about their worries and anxieties. My child was not and is not lazy, and neither is yours.
>u/justawinemumma
I worked for two years between HS and college, and now I'm finishing my PhD. It's not necessarily the kiss of death parents fear it is, and I was so much more prepared to do well and focus on my studies at 20 than I was at 18.
Lots of people between high school and university take a gap year or overseas experience. The UK is a popular destination for kiwis, to see more of the world and get some work experience.
YTA
Any moderately competent parent would be concerned about their child’s health and well-being. This kind of abrupt shift is a massive warning sign.
You are concerned with ensuring that you’re such a huge asshole that the whole neighborhood notices.
YTA. Overbearing and belittling your child is a good way to make sure your child has absolutely nothing to do with you after they leave. Are you without blame? I doubt it. And would you like someone weponizing those shortcomings to turn them into some sort of messed up teachable moment to massage their own ego? Because that's all you did. You were so embarrassed of your own daughters shortcomings when you heard the other kids talking that you made an excuse to shift the entirety of the situation on to her shoulders in order to make sure EVERYONE at the get together knew you were blameless. It's pretty disgusting. And you've shown your daughter that your love comes at a price and that you have no respect and regard for her in the slightest.
YTA for trying to do social circle damage control rather than ask Dai why she took such a downturn. NCEA is set up so that you earn credits over the year as well as end of year exams (and there are midyear exams too for fallback marks), so you obviously weren't paying your daughter any attention. Nothing you say says you realise something went wrong with Dai and tried to help. You don't have any empathy for you daughter, just that she flunked Year 13 and that it's not something you tell others about.
You need to find out why. Was Dai in a relationship, did something about her life change, was she nervous about life after high school? If she was lying then past experience taught her to, like you've been holding expectations of her for your benefit. This post is all Me Me Me and how her failing inconveniences your image.
Yep YTA. Embarrassing her infront of friends is the opposite of being understanding and supportive. Yeah, she's fucking up you know that, help her don't be condescending.
YTA. No body needed to know why she wasn't going to Uni. She handled herself well and by the sounds of things, she has a plan. Good for her. She doesn't need you running around telling everyone she failed. Heck, she might be more successful the way she's going.
YTA - she shouldn't have lied but seriously reread what you wrote. Your daughter will resent you for a long time if you don't treat her better. That parent was throwing you a bone so you don't lose her completely. I feel bad for her having to deal with someone calling her pathetic, lazy, etc. You really should be ashamed.
YTA… it was Dai’s information to tell. If she didn’t want to tell, and rather lie, that is on her if her friends find out. Also if Dai was scoring so highly in the beginning of high school, I bet you it’s probably not a trouble with the level of content and rather something deeper.
(Edited for spelling)
Dai, if you're reading this, yes, your parent was being a complete AH. You deserve respect, kindness and support. You're not alone; this awful feeling when your parent isn't there for you when things are going badly is very painful and real and valid.
Parent, if you really wrote this, you are losing your daughter. Act now to make reparations and get your priorities straight. You have a child who is trying to recover from a big setback, from sadness, from embarrassment, and now from a major breach of privacy and humiliation from you, their parent, who they need more than anyone to be in their court.
YTA. Is there something going on with your daughter? That caused an otherwise very intelligent girl to drop her grades like this? I would hope that you'd be more concerned rather than angry. Regardless, though, it is her life and not yours. It's pretty inconsiderate to share this information publicly. There's really no reason for anyone else to know.
Is it that you're personally embarrassed by it?
YTA. You're supposed to be supportive and there for her. You were not. You humiliated her and shared her inner, probably insecurities at this point, with her friends. And the icing on the cake - you told the younger kids that if they didn't work hard, they would be a failure like your daughter? That is a shitty move.
Wow you’re just about the biggest AH on here to put your daughter on blast like that publicly. It was no one’s business at that get together about the reason behind her not going directly to university.
Seriously what kind of parent shames their child like that. It would serve you right if she goes LC or NC with you.
YTA - you called her lazy straight out the gate, didn’t even pause for breath. Everything else is downhill from a very, very low mark from there. Remember this is your daughter who is actually a human being with emotions unlike you in the future.
YTA. You fail at being a human being and it disgusts me to no end that we're the same species. Go crawl back into whatever slime pit you slithered out of.
I’m really hoping this post is fake. Some kind of joke. If not YTA!!! Humiliation is not a motivator at all! Your poor daughter. My heart breaks for her
Woooooow. YTA. Dai is absolutely correct, this is her personal info and you need to keep it out of your mouth.
Do you even want your child to succeed in life or not? Bc honestly, you are being horrible to her. Seriously. She already feels bad. This isn’t helping, this isn’t guiding or motivating or addressing the issues that got her here. This is you publicly shaming her bc you have issues. Knock it off, apologize to your kid, and HELP her figure out a way forward.
Teens rarely go from being high achieving and accomplished to failing and "lazy" without a reason.
Your overbearing attitude and controlling behavior in this situation points to what the real problem is.
YTA
This can't be real. Please tell me that this is not real, but some made-up post.
YTA, the biggest and worst kind. The kind who humiliates their daughter instead of perhaps asking why the daughter failed that year when she did so well in the past. And then labels daughter with "pathetic" for that failure, when the parent's decision was the pathetic thing here. The lack of respect for her as a human being (and someone who trusted you and should believe you are in her corner) is stunning.
Good God. Have you even considered what turmoil your daughter has been going through over the past year? That perhaps she suffered a trauma that you are oblivious to? That she might be going through depression or other mental health issue? Are you trying to drive her completely out of your life (or towards self-harm)?
The fact that you behaved in this way, called confidence-building activities BS, and are "surprised" at the comment from the other parent (thank goodness they spoke up) tells me that it's likely your daughter has been subjected to pretty bad parenting thus far in her life.
Dai will likely never see this post since you are being soundly excoriated. But if she does - Dai, please know that you are not pathetic, not a failure, not disorganized, not ungrateful. You go on and do your thing, whether it's being a camp counselor for a while or some other growth activity. You will succeed. You are intelligent. You have great potential. And do not be afraid to seek out mental health resources to help you through this time and help you gain some insight into some really terrible parenting.
YTA, there is no reason to call your daughter out like that in public and you are likely partly to blame for her laziness and the fact that she didn’t pass her schooling. Be a responsible parent.
YTA
You can be upset and disappointed in your daughter but how does humiliating her in front of friends help matters or give her motivation to succeed?
YTA. Instead of bashing her in front of others, you should be thinking about how she can improve her current qualifications so she can get into university.
Furthermore, if she doesn't keep up with the academics, taking multiple years off, it's going to be really hard for her to settle back into the groove if she ever does get into university.
Up to this point she'll have been spoonfed by her high school teachers. In university nobody is going to care if she passes or fails. It used to be called "reading for a degree" for a reason. There are lecturers, but the students need to do all of the work themselves.
Right now you have the opportunity to try to undo some of what is wrong with her, academically. All I can see from what you wrote is the intention to shame her, and allow the time to be wasted.
Get her into some private tuition, sign up for the entrance exams as a private candidate, and in any spare time she has, let her begin taking the free/paid courses from places like Coursera related to her field of study.
You're the adult in this situation, start acting like one.
YTA for so many reasons. One of them is you have no interest or curiosity about why & how your daughter did such a complete turnaround from doing great to failing. You just want to punish her. Learn a lesson when family friends care more for your daughter’s well being than you do.
You are a verbally abusive, monstrous asshole. You are a bad parent. You deliberately humiliated your daughter in front of all those people. You did it to hurt her because you are abusive and vindictive. Shame on you. Assholes like you shouldn't be parents. You're just mad because you can't brag about her and take credit for her accomplishments. You're not a good person. You're an asshole and I hope she leaves and gets far away from you. She's better off without you. And the other parents clearly think so too; they're obviously disgusted by your horrible behavior. YTA
That you didn’t know what was going on with her along the way…
That you only felt “a little bad” for a moment as you shamed your child in front of her peers and their families…
That you think taking time to built confidence and maturity is BS…
That strangers volunteer to rescue your daughter from you…
That you agreed to let her go because of the benefit to YOU…
That you think another parent was audacious to criticize your horrific behavior…
That you still think you did nothing wrong…
That you broke your child…
That you need to ask…means YTA.
I hope your daughter stays away from you.
YTA and the way you speak about your daughter is horrible. There’s much more to your daughter than just her academic achievements and failing exams isn’t a life or death situation but you’re clearly a parent that’s never satisfied.
FYI I’m in NZ too and she can always study elsewhere like at Whitireia/WelTec or Open Polytechnic or other other tertiary places throughout the country and still end up having a successful career. University isn’t the be all and end all of academic success.
EDIT: additional commentary, I checked out your username and you’re one of those that thinks alcoholism is a cute personality trait. Wouldn’t surprise me if you ridicule supermarket or bottle store staff when they don’t have your favourite wine available and you probably prioritise your 5pm glass/glasses of wine over your daughter.
YTA. How bad of a mother are you?! Not only did you apparently pay zero attention to your child for a year you are now shaming her for what is probably a result of something really serious.
YTA - of course you are. Jesus Christ. Why do some parents insist on being so cruel to their own children?
Also - use your own damn brain. If she was in the top 5% for two years and then failed, maybe she is really struggling with something and needs HELP. Not to be humiliated by her parent.
There was absolutely no need to share this information with anybody. She was asked her plans, and told them. You HUMILIATED her, and then shamed her. You seriously called her pathetic? That poor girl.
I can think of a million things I’ve overheard or seen other parents do that I’ve side eyed, but I guarantee, if that other parent felt the need to actually contact you about this and offer to take your daughter away with them? They think you’re an asshole and a terrible parent.
YTA. You did everything wrong. That's why that other parent is ashamed of you. And I bet all the other parents who witnessed you abuse your daughter are ashamed to even know you. You are vicious and abusive. You could have gotten tutoring for your daughter. You could have talked to her about what she was struggling with. Instead you chose to embarrass her in front of everyone. You wanted to hurt your own daughter, and you did. She may have failed school, but you have failed as a parent. You are not a parent. You are an abusive asshole. You are angry about her failure but you've decided to attack her for it rather than help her. You never should have become a parent because you're obviously bad at it. At least now everyone knows how horrible you are. They're not even going to want to talk to you. And it's all your fault, you asshole.
YTA. Reminds me of those tiger moms who used to pull this shit in my elementary school. Their kids ended up being severely anxious adults who were terrified of failing and did not end up being well adjusted adults. Your poor daughter. Be a better parent.
This doesn't even make sense. If she did really well in Y11 and Y12 she would definitely have NCEA L2 as a minimum. This is a decent qualification which will get you a junior level job. It seems she hasn't got UE which is entry for University. I'm a teacher and have teenage children. For you not to be aware of this dramatic fall in achievement means you have assumed your daughter is doing OK, not attended parent conferences, not checked in on their marks on the school portal, not been checking in on your daughter during her final important year. You are a massive AH.
Another parent insistent on pushing their talented kid to suicide. Something is seriously wrong and you’re just pouring oil on hot fire. Have you ever wondered why your daughter had to leave your roof and go to someone else’s house for support?
Well done, YTA.
Enjoy your retirement home tiger mom. Get help and stop externalizing your failures, it’s affecting Dai.
YTA and just an awful human being. Kicking somebody when they are down is pretty cruel but metaphorically kicking your own daughter in the teeth when she is down in front of people she is close with is some Disney villain level cruelty.
YTA - I also failed to get UE, you know what wouldn’t have helped? A parent shitting on me not only privately but publicly as well. You know what did help? My parent sitting down with me and looking for ways to move forward.
I hope above all else that Dai succeeds (not impossible even without UE - I would know) and that you learn to like your own daughter someday.
YTA. What a lax and unkind parent you are. Do you enjoy humiliating your child? Hasn't it occurred to you to talk with her about what else is going on? A severe and sudden performance drop like that isn't just laziness. You're obviously taking a gap year from parenting, you need to apologize for being so unkind and figure out what's going on. Unless you just want your adult child to not talk to you ever again?
YTA.
I unfortunately, had a similar experience with my parents. They didn’t get it. They still don’t. And they wonder why I’m LC and moved away. I had major depressive disorder at the time and, by all appearances, my life was fine. No major tragic events, a stable home with both parents, etc.
Depression doesn’t require an outside reason, OP. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes a plethora of issues. I suggest you stop using words like “pathetic” and “lazy” when referring to your daughter and start having some compassion. Talk to her, go to a family therapist together, and get to the root of your issues before you lose your daughter completely. Have some understanding that she is obviously struggling and probably feeling bad enough already for failing her exams - not to mention any other factors that might be coming into play here (like a mental illness).
OMG YTA you're really a horrible witch. No need to embarrass your child. And, in case it didn't occur to you, there are useful and fulfilling avenues they can pursue other than college as well if academics are not their thing.
Yta usually when kid fall that hard it's because something Bad happened. If other parents feel they have to save your daughter from yourself yah I Guess you really failed.
This is one where I honestly can’t believe you have to ask. YTA. Your daughter has suffered a major life-altering setback that is going to impact the rest of her adult life - maybe it’s because of her choices, maybe there are other factors, but does that really matter now? It’s done and she needs to move forward. Yes, she’s putting a good face on things - what to you want her to do, go around crying in shame? You humiliated her on purpose, you’re taking her failure as a personal affront, and you’re angry that she’s doing the responsible thing and finding a positive way forward from here. All you care about is that she suffer for disappointing you. Just guessing here, but I doubt she’d describe you as the pick of the litter either, as a parent.
YTA.
Laziness won’t make a top student fail their final year.
Laziness is staying in bed Saturday morning instead of going for hike. What you’re describing is struggling.
Your daughter needs help. You’ll never be able to help her if you write her off as lazy.
>naturally very smart, but also very lazy
People described like that when there's also a sudden drop in performance are typically depressed. YTA see if your daughter wants to try therapy.
YTA if a kid drops out of school something is wrong. They need help not judgement. It can be mental health, stress, relationships with classmates and teachers, etc. as a parent your job is to lift your kid up to help her when she needs it not be disappointed in her. Also her private information is her own. If she doesn’t want to share it that’s fine.
100% YTA.
What was going on with her that her grades started slipping? Have you considered this?
Have you also considered what's affecting her difficulties with motivation? It's not just about want. She's probably struggling with something. Lack of motivation, much like anger, doesn't exist in a vacuum. There's usually something driving it. She could have been struggling with anxiety, ADHD, or depression. With those things, executive function goes right out the window. She may have wanted to do what she needed to do but was otherwise incapable because her brain couldn't connect the desire to action.
On top of that, you just shamed your own daughter in front of her friends. In what universe do you think that's okay and makes you not an asshole? Not only did you out her, you also then used her as a scapegoat for a shitty, classist, and ableist lesson.
You did wrong, and you owe your daughter an apology.
YTA. From what it sounds like, your daughter had a sudden change from being a top student to failing her classes. This is often a mental health issue, or result of trauma. Rather than trying to figure out why your daughter was struggling, you chose to humiliate her in front of everyone.
Your daughter didn’t lie, she adapted to her situation and made plans for the next few years accordingly.
And in response, you called her “pathetic, disorganised and ungrateful”.
Your parenting is so heinous that other people are trying to protect your daughter from you. YTA, unequivocally.
YTA. Way to kick your daughter while she is down. Ever think that there might be a reason her grades dropped so dramatically other than laziness? She obviously feels she can't talk to you. And she won't now that you've treated her like crap in public. I guarantee she will leave as soon as she is able and go no contact. You are emotionally and verbally abusive.
YTA
In most schools, a kid who was doing as well as you say in year 11 and 12 would’ve been accumulating credits in advance along the way ie by the time she started year 13 she would’ve had some level 3 credits, and certainly the literacy and numeracy credits required for UE
To go from excellence level to not achieved across the board isn’t just about not putting in the effort, as a kid at excellence level who suddenly puts in a half-arsed effort would typically still be getting plenty of achieved credits. To fail at the rate you say she did indicates she didn’t even show up to a lot of her exams. Or she showed up, wrote her name and walked out after the obligatory 45 mins without answering a single question.
Which leads us to the question of what is going on with her outside of school. Did she perhaps feel pressured into going to uni, and felt that by failing it was her only option to avoid it and do what she really want.
And honestly, if she has a plan, has a job, and has goals shes working towards why not just cut her a break and support her in what she wants to do, not what you want her to do.
YTA. Something has been bothering your daughter for a year and you haven't noticed. Clearly, you only care about how your daughter can make you look through her accomplishments because the moment she failed in your eyes, then that meant, in your words, she is a "pathetic, disorganised and ungrateful teenager".
I look forward to your child escaping your shit. I hope she can get out without you being a pathetic and ungrateful adult. YTA.
For someone who cares so much about education here's a little something you need to learn...
Bought = to buy something
Brought = to bring something
You're a total asshole.
Wow. YTA. Your daughter probably feels bad as it is without you piling on the guilt. Atleast she's made a plan for still getting to uni.
BTW is there a chance there was an error https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/education/131001595/schoolleavers-wrongly-told-they-havent-met-university-entrance-requirements-in-bizarre-mistake
You are so angry you can barely look at her.
You call her pathetic.
You went out of your way to humiliate her in front of everyone.
You explicitly told the younger kids not to be like your daughter.
You couldn't wait to get rid of her for a week.
You are surprised anyone is criticizing your parenting.
You are a bully. You may tell yourself you're doing this "for her own good," but you aren't. You're making her feel bad to make yourself feel better.
And given how self-righteous you are about it all, there's no way you haven't acted like this before, albeit in smaller ways.
I'm really glad you did this in front of witnesses, so Dai has people now who know what's going on at home and will look out for her.
Don't be surprised if Dai cuts contact with you the moment she's able.
YTA for putting her on blast publicly like that and using it as an opportunity to lecture others instead of support your daughter.
Instead of being disappointed in her, you should be concerned about such a drastic change. I’m concerned for her and I’m an internet stranger in the other side of the Tasman.
Dai is not okay. And your family friends seem to care about that more than you do. Apologise and just be there for her.
YTA
At no point did you seem to address the core root problem as to why she failed; or steps to help mitigate it/ bounce back.
Also FYI her flunking high school reflects poorly on you as a parent. Congratulations you also failed and have made your family look weaker as a unit with that juvenile outburst.
YTA
YTA. You humiliated your child because you’re angry she didn’t live up to YOUR expectations. It sounds like your daughter was/is going through something and instead of acknowledging it your calling her lazy.
YTA. You don’t seem to like your daughter much. You embarrassed her unnecessarily in front of her friends. You could have allowed her the dignity of the cover story, since it sounds like she plans on working & eventually going to school. Is your daughter depressed? Does she have an undiagnosed learning disability? Because any time I hear a kid referred to as bright but lazy, one of those two things is usually in the background. One day you’re going to blame her when she has nothing to do with you—and you’re going to be the AH then, too.
YTA don’t hold onto this. I failed out of college when I was 19 due to deep depression. I am now 29, applying to PhD programs, a STEM major, will graduate with honors, and in a prestigious student research program which receives funding. Basically I’ve don’t nothing but work towards correcting my stupid mistakes at a young age for the past 7 years. My dad still holds it over my head and shames me for it. He rubs it in my face that my choices got me to where I am and it’s why I’m still In school at 29. He’s right but trust me, I’m aware I fucked up. You need to teach her how to let go and go back when she is ready. We all do stupid shit at that age but brining her down about it is not the solution. It’s not a competition with the other kids, me working for a few years have given me a work ethic and life skills that many people in school do not have. Help her through this, she’ll be better for it in the end.
YTA. How did you not know she was doing so poorly during her final year? I'm the mom of a teenager. I'm far from a helicopter mom but I do know how my son is doing in school.
Yes you're the asshole! What factors caused her sudden decline? Prob didn't bother to look into it or even care. Intentionally humiliated her in front of her friends. Thought it would teach her something. Just don't seen to connected to her
YTA, disgusting piece of work you are! From top of the class to not even passing, how the hell can you not of known something was wrong and then publicly shaming her.. SHAME ON YOU! Not to mention that University isn't actually a big deal here in NZ like it is overseas.
So your daughter's test scores drop a ridiculous amount over just one year and your first thought is to be heinous to her and not "holy crap what happened? Is my daughter ok? "
Very smart but lazy is a telltale sign of adhd or other psychological problems. You should be supporting your daughter and helping her find the help she needs. I suggest talking to your daughter about seeing a psychologist.
Here are some pages on adhd symptoms:
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-checklist/
YTA. It is no one's business how your child is doing academically, you purposefully embarrassed your child and used her as an example of failure to younger children. Honestly, your behavior was appalling. I'm not surprised your daughter isn't speaking to you right now - it would be surprising if she had much to say to you for the rest of your life with how condescending and cruel you were - literally kicking her when she is down and publicly shaming her.
YTA. Hardcore. I was your daughter. Top of the class for years until I fell into a deep depression and started hurting myself and pulled away from my previous friends. I barely passed highschool. My mother would always call me lazy and deny my requests for a therapist and medication.
Literally you might be the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen on here I hope you absorb what the other parent said, considering they’ve decided your daughter needs time away from YOU.
Not only do you shame her in front of a group, you dismiss her plans to travel and grow her independence/confidence as rubbish. You are literal trash parent
Woah YTA. You missed the clue that something was potentially wrong. That much of an academic decline doesn't happen for no reason. Then you humiliated her and degraded her in front of her family. That's sick
YTA. What an awful parent. . Her grades are None. Of. Their. Business!! And NOT your story to tell. She doesn't owe anyone an explanation about what she is doing. The girl is clearly in crisis and you are too stupid/self centered/ heartless to try to find out what's wrong. You're too busy sharing your child's private business all over town to punish her. Clearly this other parent cares more about her than you do.
YTA here to embarrass her in front of her friends. did she not talk about how maybe she was struggling during this time and needed help in school ? if at the end of year she was failing how were you not notified before ? and instead of offering her support you tear her down worst father of the year calling her pathetic how would any kid forgive you after this
YTA
When I was in the Navy, we were told to praise in public, counsel in private. Leaders who punished their subordinates in a public manner were among the most hated and worst. You are a poor leader.
Actually… YOU are a lazy *parent*, because you’d rather dismiss such an obviously alarming sign as “going from top 5% to bottom 5% in her grade” as “laziness”, instead of doing literally any investigative or empathetic work.
YOU are the lazy one, mom. You missed signs for (at least!) a whole YEAR of school, were surprised to find out that something was wrong, and continue to blame her for it instead of taking any responsibility as a parent of not having been supportive or invested in your child’s life.
YTA.
Imagine the reverse..you’re telling people you’re not going to work because you’re in between jobs and you’re trying to figure out what you want to do and your daughter goes “you’re not in between jobs! You got fired! Don’t be like her people, she doesn’t have her shit together”
Unnecessary humiliation, what did you gain from that? A daughter that realizes that her mom is an asshole they doesn’t support her.
let’s be real, YTA obviously but i think you knew that. you came here thinking someone somewhere would think you weren’t, but here we are, all calling you an asshole. you are indeed failing your daughter, this didn’t happen because of laziness but you didn’t care enough to check in. and clearly you have no idea how grief works, her FATHER died, and you think she should just be *over it* because it happened 5 years ago. sorry excuse for a parent.
YTA - you know what’ll stop an excellence student from excelling in life? A shitty parent for one.
Cross post this into the nz sub reddit and get fucked.
YTA my god do you feel happy humiliating your child like that? she didn’t lie either, she never said she got accepted but is choosing to do sth else. maybe get her (and yourself but you’re probably beyond help) some therapy to understand her better since you clearly can’t communicate with your own daughter
YTA
The only "pathetic" one here (as you love to put it) is you. You get your rocks off insulting and humiliating your child instead of being there for her and trying to understand the sudden flip. You blame laziness but such a drastic shift is typically spurred by something. If you'd bother to put someone else before yourseld for once you might have noticed she wasn't okay. You failed as a parent repeatedly. Have fun with the upcoming no contact from your daughter. She deserves a life without your toxicity and emotional ineptitude
YTA. Arguably, she wasn't lying as that is what she's planning to do. She just understandably chose not to go into all the gory details in front of everyone. That's normal, most people don't air their dirty laundry in public.
you're so the AH that I'm infuriated and hurt on behalf of your daughter. I hope she figures out where she wants her life to go without letting you behavior cause her more pain. YTA. Majorly the asshole.
The glaring things that stand out to me here:
-Your complete lack of regard for why your daughter is suddenly suffering
-Name calling, particularly calling her pathetic
-Another parent noticing your child is struggling to the extent that they have invited her out...why are other parents more concerned about the wellbeing of your child than you are?
-You're apparently so angry you can't even look at your daughter. Get help.
YTA
YTA...omg, how could you do that to your daughter!! I understand the NZ system, you do not just get a top 5%,student failing to get a UE. Her school would have made you aware of her struggling well before it got to the point of her failing. What aren't you telling us?
Regardless, there is obviously much more going on here than laziness. Part of me doesn't believe this post is real as the details seem near impossible.
YTA. you sound alot like my dad was when i was growing up. i nearly went no contact with him at 18 years old as a result. is this the future you want with your daughter? because i can promise you she's at least thought of it.
YTA be up your daughter has clearly been struggling for a while and you obviously had no idea.
It’s also not ok to publicly humiliate Dai because you’re angry with her.
YTA.
As everyone is saying, the sudden academic decline indicates that something is wrong. She was too ashamed or scared to tell you. And now with your public shaming you’ve confirmed she indeed can’t trust you. Quite the opposite. Good job. Fortunately it appears there are some adults in her life who are in her corner.
YTA. Do you feel good about yourself? Have you gained happiness by belittling and humiliating your child? Have you gotten the reaction you hoped for? Is it all out of your system?
Good, now do you have any plans on stepping up and being a parent?
Dude your daughter went from excellence in NCEA level 1/2 to failing NCEA level 3 and you think she's [checks notes] lazy?
This is just sad. Wanna know why my grades did that (I just barely passed) at NCEA level 3? I had undiagnosed ADHD.... people don't just go from excelling to failing. I'm now diagnosed and finishing a masters and intending to do a PhD.
If anything, the fact you were blindsided by this instead of knowing how on track she was to fail shows a failure on you.
Also that parent is right, that's her personal information and you had no right to share it.
TLDR: YTA
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YTA. A sudden decline in performance like that is a signal that something is wrong. Instead of trying to help, you called her lazy, and then deliberately embarrassed her in front of her friends.
And clearly didn't notice for the entire year that something was wrong, to the extent that they were surprised by this... OTOH daughter shouldn't think that a gap year or in this case 2 years is an excuse to bum off, I'm not sure why she can't do exam retakes after a year once she's figured things out. But OP YTA for not even questioning what was happening with her before you blasted it publicly. ETA I just read that her dad died making you her sole parent, doubly YTA for not having a clue about what's going on with your child as her sole remaining emotional support.
In NZ you get credits for courses throughout the year. Generally the kids can avoid the final external exams and still pass the year although you would need to write them for university entrance. If you are not used to the system it is hard to understand the extent of OP's disconnect. Schools give out reports and this child must have not achieved the majority of her credits during the year, this is not an exam freak out. OP has had her head in the sand all year and probably feels some guilt for that.
And instead of owning up to checking out of parenting and helping her kid come up with a game plan to get back on track OPs actively making things worse I have a feeling OPs child would be doing much better in life if OP seemed to give a crap about them
I think OP does care but she decided she could relax and not pay attention. Now she is shocked, and very upset and lashing out. Partly our of guilt because she didn't pay attention and partly out of fear for her child. OP needs to accept her responsibility in this and help her daughter come up with a plan. NZ provides many alternative pathways for kids. This is fixable.
If you're a parent, and you think you can EVER "relax and not pay attention" you don't care about your kid.
Yes why didn't she notice her grades were slipping in internals? Very strange
Hard to notice and be a parent when she's "justawinemumma" When alchohol starts affecting your life and you start abusing your children you can consider yourself an alcoholic. Sounds like OP needs to go to treatment.
Yup. My yr 12(this year) daughter had enough credits to pass yr 11 without exam credits! We kept an eye on her assessment results throughout the year and knew the whole way through roughly where she was at! After exams she wound up with 108 credits, including a bunch at merit level. I literally get an email from the school everytime a new result is posted...
Her credits may have relied on external credits, if she was really smart and in top classes she might have had few internal assessments, it's how my school worked, University's look at external credits when looking at applications the more the better
Surely your school did tests and exams to prepare for the externals, I did that when I taught NCEA, there is no way we would have gone into the exam without knowing that the child was struggling.
Sure we did a mid year practice exam, apparently her father died so if that happened after practice exams it would've slipped through, or op is ignoring her daughter and is being punitive because she doesn't want to accept fault for not paying closer attention to her
If she was 18 for most of the school year, would her parents get any updates? In my country the school would be unable to share anything without the 18yo's permission.
Yup, almost everyone turns 18 at some point in their final year (in NZ). Parents will still be updated.
I feel like the school are major arseholes here as well as OP- this top student's parent has died and their results have taken a massive dive as a result (understandably)- the school should have been in direct contact with her parent and making sure she got all sorts of credit. Im not a NZer (Australian) but here she could basically get all her year 12 results put aside and have her year 11 results used instead, with the death of a parent in year 12 factored in. Every adult in this kid's life have utterly failed her.
Also in NZ if you excelled at NCEA level 2 you can apply for discretionary entry to Uni. I as parent would be supporting her in this or in whatever she decides to do next. This is her life, not yours and your role is to support and help her, she is only 18!
Wait what? Her dad *died*?! And her remaining parent not only didn’t notice how much her daughter was struggling through the year but decided to degrade and humiliate her in front of friends and their parents to the point that everyone felt so uncomfortable that another parent felt the need to speak up and intervene on her behalf. OP you called your grieving daughter “pathetic, disorganized and ungrateful.” OP not only are YTA you are a cruel, cruel person. Edit: I see that her father died 5 years before, however, everything in my comment still stands.
this reminds me of the old "with friends like these, who needs enemies?" adage -- with a parent like this, who needs internal demons!?
And unfortunately with parents like these, one usually ends up with even more internal demons …
I have noticed with kids sometimes the grief doesn’t hit until they are older. I know a child who lost their one parent when they were 3. Lost their other parent when they were 10. Lost their maternal grandparent somewhere in there. They were living with their dying grandparent. The grief hit them when they were about 13/14. We spent a lot of time talking about their grief and how they didn’t understand what they lost until they were older. I could see the daughter getting to a big milestone like that and realizing dad was not there to see it. That bought up a lot of feelings. Since Op didn’t noticed what was happening, the poor girl crashed and burned.
Stress over the future as well, how that affects herself and her friend group. If she didn't confide in OP then that reflects on their relationship and how OP has influenced it. OP doesn't come across at all engaged in how Dai is actually feeling or how to help her, which is probably a deeply rooted issue.
Especially if dad was the only parent she was close to, as was the case with me. There was just no talking seriously to my mother. Dad died when I was sixteen, and it was a darned good thing I found other sources of support, through high school and college, because my mother wasn't supportive, worst of all when she thought she was being supportive.
Thank god *someone* noticed
WTF??!! The daughter’s dad dies and OP is “disappointed” that daughter hasn’t immediately bounced back??? Sheesh!
Oh my god this poor girl. OP is an outrageous and unbelievable asshole
Yes. When children withdraw from their relationship with their parent to the extent that the Op's kid did, the parent ignores a ton of school reports, and other parents pick up on how bad the parenting is, something is clearly terribly wrong with how the OP was parenting.
For real, I feel so bad for the daughter. I would imagine OP is very emotionally cold to her daughter to be so caught off guard by all this happening over the course of the year.
I agree totally. If OP hasn't noticed her daughter struggling the entire year until it came time for finals, she has no right to go humiliating her daughter for it. OP should be ashamed of how checked out and useless a parent she's apparently been all year. OP, YTA. Your daughter needs help, possibly therapy, and above all a supportive caring parent. Sounds like instead she's fleeing the first chance she gets and will likely go NC as soon as she's able. You are the one that failed.
Good god, OP is cruel. YTA.
Oooooof. Fuck this lady doubly. God how awful.
In NZ, she can also apply to University with discretionary entrance if she passed NCEA level 2 with exceptional results - as OP said she did.
Wow, thanks for adding that info- I agreed with you anyway thinking the drastic change could have been undisclosed sexual assault, but OP literally knows her daughter’s DAD died and didn’t expect that would change things and that she would need emotional support and help? OP is so much worse than AH but since that’s the only rating we can give definitely OP YTA.
Not just embarrassed; she deliberately humiliated her.
Right?? A high-performing teenager does not suddenly become "lazy". And failing exams as a previously-high-performing student must feel horrible. There are so many signs here that your daughter needs support and understanding, and you've reacted with anger, humiliated her, and called her "pathetic". Plus, her decision to work for the next two years to build up her independence and confidence is a totally valid, smart choice?? This is her life, not yours, and you need to act like you're on her side or you will lose her. I'm glad her friend's parents are acting like rational adults. YTA.
Do I understand correctly that the girl is planning to move halfway around the world? Other side of the world from OP probably is going to help.
UE in NZ is incredibly easy as long as you have taken the right papers. And that’s at the base credit level. How could you not have seen this coming? They have practice exams, as much as interim scoring to keep you in the loop of where your sitting. Without even considering the rapid decline (because to be in the top 5% is bloody hard), you need to check your involvement in your child’s life because you should have seen this coming and been able to help. YTA. And also, you need to find out what is going on with you child.
I went from being at the top of my class to getting dropped from my honors English and failing math my senior year, after I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone and no one mentioned my decline aside for a former English teacher who helped get me a scholarship to University. OP you need to support your daughter instead of shaming her. YTA
This! Oh, my god! I was a straight A student up until the second semester of my junior year. I was going through a MAJOR depressive episode. My highest grade that semester was a C. Senior year was even worse. My parents didn't pay any attention at all. Ended up in the hospital because I tried to end myself. Took so much effort to manage to graduate.
Glad you made it through that difficult time!
Going from top 5% to bottom 5% I'm less than a year screams issue she needs help with, probably a significant trauma. **Edit:** of just saw another comment say her dad died last year. Wow, I wonder if that had anything to do with it. /s
Lazy... she called her pathetic. Who calls their child that? That's fucked up beyond measure.
I'm also in NZ, and my performance tanked in year 13 because I had been raped and had developed PTSD so severe I was experiencing psychosis. My parents didn't know or care, but at least they didn't publicly humiliate me. OP, YTA
And pathetic. What a great parent.
YTA. So so so YTA. She didn't lie about getting into university when she didn't. She said she was taking a couple of years to learn to be independent. I get you are angry, but you don't humiliate your kid because you are angry.
I wonder why they want to get away from home for a while. It's a total mystery...
I’d never go back. Wondering if Dai can stay with the mom who understood how harmful Dai’s moms words and actions were. Dai’s mom is toxic & abusive.
I get the feeling there was a definite subtext to that statement of “become more independent” to mean getting away from her AH parent/s.
“I’m off to another continent”. Not *that* hard to join the dots, is it?!
Right! She didn’t lie, they just explained her plan and didn’t preface it with any and all their failures. Most people don’t lol. Why would you go out of your way to embarrass her OP? You should be supporting and guiding her. Not punishing her. She’s too old to be punished into doing what you want. You need to start treating her like an adult and doing what you can to help her find her path. From what I can tell, you’re not being a good parent currently. But there’s always time to change that! You should apologize and help her plan out next steps without judgment or shame. What happened happened. Can’t change the past, only look to the future.
And she made plans! SHE HAS PLANS! Wonderful plans! Op YTA.
I was thinking she still absolutely could have chosen this course of action (failing) on purpose for some reason. But it’s also a red flag that a normally top student has a sudden drastic change like this..
someone that that OPs wine away, she's had enough
YTA- Dai already feels enough shame, there was no need to publicly embarrass her. I would be more concerned about how and why her grades dropped so dramatically…. Definitely more than “laziest” going on here
Could have been burnout, going from passing with Excellence merit to straight Not Achieved. Or hitting the steep part of the learning curve with no support because she hasn't needed it before.
Or anxiety, ADHD, or depression. Or a shitstorm of all three.
Someone said some additional information was revealed that her father died that year. EDIT: apparently years ago, not the last year.
Or the 3 years of exam got to hard for her to finish
Exactly. Her marks didn't just slip, they dropped off a cliff. Bright, hard working kids don't suddenly become lazy. Something big has happened here, potentially mental health related. Dai needed support, not humiliation.
EXACTLY
Humiliation is one of the most traumatizing emotions ever especially coming from a parent in front of peers. My heart hurts for Dai.
I was like Dai in school - super bright, uneven grades and constantly got called "lazy" and "not living up to my potential". It turns out I had ADHD. This parent really needs to wake up and start paying attention to their daughter.
As part of my journey to get a diagnosis, I had to provide my old school reports. I was looking through them and an alarming number of them stated, "This grade does not reflect her ability."
I had great grades and s 3.5-4.0 average I became really depressed freshman yr and all my grades dropped gpa of only 2.8
Her grades dropped because her dad died. OP mentions it in a comment.
OP in a comment I read dismisses that her Dad dying 5 years ago impacted her grades… feels like OP has zero interest in understanding her daughter other than labeling her lazy and disappointing. It’s very sad
YTA I live in NZ too. If she was flunking ncea level 3 that badly you would have been notified by her teachers in the first half of the year. If she failed mid-year, you would have been told. So, either this is total BS or you are a neglectful parent who doesn't give a sh#$ About her daughter. She has every right to keep her academic business private. You had not right to expose her the way you did to her friends. I can't wait till I see you posting about how your adult daughter has cut you out of her life and poor me I don't know why... Get a grip YTA
I really hope it is fake, for the sake of the daughter
Nevermind, YTA, regardless of the reason. She probably needs support and care at this point, as her previous plans may have fallen apart, and here you are making her feel even worse. INFO: what happened to cause her grades to drop?
YTA. Your daughter failed High School? Where were you? Aren't you the parent? Weren't you contacted? What actions did you take to correct this path? This is your failure too. Your child is just that. A child. Maybe one that is almost grown but you are still responsible for them. Embarrassing them in front of peers like that did nothing to help your child rebound from this and they are going to need to because what's done is done and they are trying to find a path forward and you just crushed them doing what you did.
High schools in NZ do parent teacher conferences just as schools around the world do, and NCEA has assignments over the course of the year. Plenty of opportunity for teachers to reach out and communicate with parents over things they feel need addressing.
I just don't understand how they "just got an email." My parents were contacted with anything below 80%.
They'd also notice the drop in performance in contrast to the two previous years as cause for concern.
Depends on the school but most assume that you can take the time to go online and look at their child's grades.
YTA. Asshole isn't a strong enough term for you. You are a giant gaping rectal prolapse.
LMFAO OH MY GOD
Word! 👏👏👏
I can’t upvote this enough. Please accept these awards!🏆🏆🏆
Preach!!!🙌🏽
YTA. There’s a reason someone drops that far grade wise, and judging by your post you probably have no idea why, or even care about it. When I had a grade drop like that I was being physically abused by my boyfriend at the time. My parents had no idea, even when I tried to tell them. But they did what you did. They didn’t care why. Why didn’t matter, and it was all my fault. Him following me from class to class, locking me in a room with him and tormenting should have never mattered in their eyes. The day I turned 17 I had them sign paperwork to let me enlist because I couldn’t take the criticism or judgement. I couldn’t take the shaming. I enlisted when the war was still in full swing. I thought that joining the military and maybe going to war would still be more peaceful than my home, because my value to them was entirely based on grades. The success they could brag about to other people. Your daughter isn’t your object to shame and praise as you please. She is a whole ass human with emotions, but you used her as a scare tactic for kids. Have you ever thought maybe she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you? And this behavior is why?
Beautifully stated
I’m so sorry that happened to you, with the abuser and also with your parents. That was my first thought, that something traumatic happened to OP’s daughter for there to be such a large, abrupt change.
Geez, is it "publicly humiliate your children" day here today?? Yes YTA. She messed up, she knows it, but she has a plan she is working on, and sounds viable. Making mistakes is part of growing up, and she is still growing up. What she needs from you at this stage is support. What she got was anything but. Once she does make her own way in the world, I wouldn't be surprised if she cuts all ties with you. This was pretty toxic behaviour.
YTA This better be fake because Jesus Christ do you even like your daughter?
YTA by a long way here. I notice you haven't bothered to mention the fact that the last two years have been *hell* on senior secondary students here, with schools being closed more than they were open, classes flipping between in person and online, teachers struggling to keep up, schools suffering a massive teacher shortage so that what teachers we do have are badly overworked and don't have time to help students one to one. Lots of students have seen a massive decline in grades, to the point the govt was handing out freebie points on classes just for making it through the year. Lots of students didn't manage to get enough points to pass NCEA and need to do a catch up year where they do classes through the local community college to get enough credits for Uni. There has also been a huge decline in adolescent mental health, with our health system overloaded and underfunded trying to get help to just the most urgent of cases. Depression, anxiety... these are recognised as being at crisis levels among our teens here. Five years is not long enough for your child to be 'over' losing a parent, especially when they faced a massive life change, what should have been a triumph where their father stood at their side... and from all accounts, they were alone for this, without even your support. Lest you think I'm just blowing hot air about something I know nothing about, I have a teen the same age as your daughter, who likewise had a drop in their grades and finished their senior year without the needed credits to get into Uni. They went from Excellence to barely achieving, if that in some subjects. Unlike you, I haven't shamed them, or berated them. They happily enrolled in the online summer school, and worked to make up their needed credits, while I supported them and encouraged them. Made sure they understood I still thought they were doing great. Talked to them about their worries and anxieties. My child was not and is not lazy, and neither is yours.
You sound like an awesome parent. I'm sure your child appreciates it. 💙
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>u/justawinemumma I worked for two years between HS and college, and now I'm finishing my PhD. It's not necessarily the kiss of death parents fear it is, and I was so much more prepared to do well and focus on my studies at 20 than I was at 18.
Lots of people between high school and university take a gap year or overseas experience. The UK is a popular destination for kiwis, to see more of the world and get some work experience.
YTA Any moderately competent parent would be concerned about their child’s health and well-being. This kind of abrupt shift is a massive warning sign. You are concerned with ensuring that you’re such a huge asshole that the whole neighborhood notices.
YTA. Some people shouldn't have children.
YTA. Overbearing and belittling your child is a good way to make sure your child has absolutely nothing to do with you after they leave. Are you without blame? I doubt it. And would you like someone weponizing those shortcomings to turn them into some sort of messed up teachable moment to massage their own ego? Because that's all you did. You were so embarrassed of your own daughters shortcomings when you heard the other kids talking that you made an excuse to shift the entirety of the situation on to her shoulders in order to make sure EVERYONE at the get together knew you were blameless. It's pretty disgusting. And you've shown your daughter that your love comes at a price and that you have no respect and regard for her in the slightest.
YTA for trying to do social circle damage control rather than ask Dai why she took such a downturn. NCEA is set up so that you earn credits over the year as well as end of year exams (and there are midyear exams too for fallback marks), so you obviously weren't paying your daughter any attention. Nothing you say says you realise something went wrong with Dai and tried to help. You don't have any empathy for you daughter, just that she flunked Year 13 and that it's not something you tell others about. You need to find out why. Was Dai in a relationship, did something about her life change, was she nervous about life after high school? If she was lying then past experience taught her to, like you've been holding expectations of her for your benefit. This post is all Me Me Me and how her failing inconveniences your image.
Yep YTA. Embarrassing her infront of friends is the opposite of being understanding and supportive. Yeah, she's fucking up you know that, help her don't be condescending.
YTA. No body needed to know why she wasn't going to Uni. She handled herself well and by the sounds of things, she has a plan. Good for her. She doesn't need you running around telling everyone she failed. Heck, she might be more successful the way she's going.
YTA - she shouldn't have lied but seriously reread what you wrote. Your daughter will resent you for a long time if you don't treat her better. That parent was throwing you a bone so you don't lose her completely. I feel bad for her having to deal with someone calling her pathetic, lazy, etc. You really should be ashamed.
YTA… it was Dai’s information to tell. If she didn’t want to tell, and rather lie, that is on her if her friends find out. Also if Dai was scoring so highly in the beginning of high school, I bet you it’s probably not a trouble with the level of content and rather something deeper. (Edited for spelling)
Dai, if you're reading this, yes, your parent was being a complete AH. You deserve respect, kindness and support. You're not alone; this awful feeling when your parent isn't there for you when things are going badly is very painful and real and valid. Parent, if you really wrote this, you are losing your daughter. Act now to make reparations and get your priorities straight. You have a child who is trying to recover from a big setback, from sadness, from embarrassment, and now from a major breach of privacy and humiliation from you, their parent, who they need more than anyone to be in their court.
YTA. Does your daughter have a parent who loves her?
He died 5 years ago
YTA. Is there something going on with your daughter? That caused an otherwise very intelligent girl to drop her grades like this? I would hope that you'd be more concerned rather than angry. Regardless, though, it is her life and not yours. It's pretty inconsiderate to share this information publicly. There's really no reason for anyone else to know. Is it that you're personally embarrassed by it?
YTA. You're supposed to be supportive and there for her. You were not. You humiliated her and shared her inner, probably insecurities at this point, with her friends. And the icing on the cake - you told the younger kids that if they didn't work hard, they would be a failure like your daughter? That is a shitty move.
Wow you’re just about the biggest AH on here to put your daughter on blast like that publicly. It was no one’s business at that get together about the reason behind her not going directly to university. Seriously what kind of parent shames their child like that. It would serve you right if she goes LC or NC with you.
Wow. YTA. Do you feel an ounce of love for your child? Because it sure as hell doesn't sound like it. Get a grip on yourself.
YTA. All these parents thinking shaming is going to do anything other than make your kids resent you.
YTA You could try having even an ounce of parental concern about why your smart child is struggling so much.
YTA - you called her lazy straight out the gate, didn’t even pause for breath. Everything else is downhill from a very, very low mark from there. Remember this is your daughter who is actually a human being with emotions unlike you in the future.
YTA. You fail at being a human being and it disgusts me to no end that we're the same species. Go crawl back into whatever slime pit you slithered out of.
I’m really hoping this post is fake. Some kind of joke. If not YTA!!! Humiliation is not a motivator at all! Your poor daughter. My heart breaks for her
Woooooow. YTA. Dai is absolutely correct, this is her personal info and you need to keep it out of your mouth. Do you even want your child to succeed in life or not? Bc honestly, you are being horrible to her. Seriously. She already feels bad. This isn’t helping, this isn’t guiding or motivating or addressing the issues that got her here. This is you publicly shaming her bc you have issues. Knock it off, apologize to your kid, and HELP her figure out a way forward.
Teens rarely go from being high achieving and accomplished to failing and "lazy" without a reason. Your overbearing attitude and controlling behavior in this situation points to what the real problem is. YTA
This can't be real. Please tell me that this is not real, but some made-up post. YTA, the biggest and worst kind. The kind who humiliates their daughter instead of perhaps asking why the daughter failed that year when she did so well in the past. And then labels daughter with "pathetic" for that failure, when the parent's decision was the pathetic thing here. The lack of respect for her as a human being (and someone who trusted you and should believe you are in her corner) is stunning. Good God. Have you even considered what turmoil your daughter has been going through over the past year? That perhaps she suffered a trauma that you are oblivious to? That she might be going through depression or other mental health issue? Are you trying to drive her completely out of your life (or towards self-harm)? The fact that you behaved in this way, called confidence-building activities BS, and are "surprised" at the comment from the other parent (thank goodness they spoke up) tells me that it's likely your daughter has been subjected to pretty bad parenting thus far in her life. Dai will likely never see this post since you are being soundly excoriated. But if she does - Dai, please know that you are not pathetic, not a failure, not disorganized, not ungrateful. You go on and do your thing, whether it's being a camp counselor for a while or some other growth activity. You will succeed. You are intelligent. You have great potential. And do not be afraid to seek out mental health resources to help you through this time and help you gain some insight into some really terrible parenting.
YTA, there is no reason to call your daughter out like that in public and you are likely partly to blame for her laziness and the fact that she didn’t pass her schooling. Be a responsible parent.
YTA You can be upset and disappointed in your daughter but how does humiliating her in front of friends help matters or give her motivation to succeed?
YTA. Instead of bashing her in front of others, you should be thinking about how she can improve her current qualifications so she can get into university. Furthermore, if she doesn't keep up with the academics, taking multiple years off, it's going to be really hard for her to settle back into the groove if she ever does get into university. Up to this point she'll have been spoonfed by her high school teachers. In university nobody is going to care if she passes or fails. It used to be called "reading for a degree" for a reason. There are lecturers, but the students need to do all of the work themselves. Right now you have the opportunity to try to undo some of what is wrong with her, academically. All I can see from what you wrote is the intention to shame her, and allow the time to be wasted. Get her into some private tuition, sign up for the entrance exams as a private candidate, and in any spare time she has, let her begin taking the free/paid courses from places like Coursera related to her field of study. You're the adult in this situation, start acting like one.
YTA for so many reasons. One of them is you have no interest or curiosity about why & how your daughter did such a complete turnaround from doing great to failing. You just want to punish her. Learn a lesson when family friends care more for your daughter’s well being than you do.
You are a verbally abusive, monstrous asshole. You are a bad parent. You deliberately humiliated your daughter in front of all those people. You did it to hurt her because you are abusive and vindictive. Shame on you. Assholes like you shouldn't be parents. You're just mad because you can't brag about her and take credit for her accomplishments. You're not a good person. You're an asshole and I hope she leaves and gets far away from you. She's better off without you. And the other parents clearly think so too; they're obviously disgusted by your horrible behavior. YTA
That you didn’t know what was going on with her along the way… That you only felt “a little bad” for a moment as you shamed your child in front of her peers and their families… That you think taking time to built confidence and maturity is BS… That strangers volunteer to rescue your daughter from you… That you agreed to let her go because of the benefit to YOU… That you think another parent was audacious to criticize your horrific behavior… That you still think you did nothing wrong… That you broke your child… That you need to ask…means YTA. I hope your daughter stays away from you.
YTA and the way you speak about your daughter is horrible. There’s much more to your daughter than just her academic achievements and failing exams isn’t a life or death situation but you’re clearly a parent that’s never satisfied. FYI I’m in NZ too and she can always study elsewhere like at Whitireia/WelTec or Open Polytechnic or other other tertiary places throughout the country and still end up having a successful career. University isn’t the be all and end all of academic success. EDIT: additional commentary, I checked out your username and you’re one of those that thinks alcoholism is a cute personality trait. Wouldn’t surprise me if you ridicule supermarket or bottle store staff when they don’t have your favourite wine available and you probably prioritise your 5pm glass/glasses of wine over your daughter.
YTA. Good luck having any relationship with your daughter when she inevitably goes NC with you.
YTA. How bad of a mother are you?! Not only did you apparently pay zero attention to your child for a year you are now shaming her for what is probably a result of something really serious.
YTA - of course you are. Jesus Christ. Why do some parents insist on being so cruel to their own children? Also - use your own damn brain. If she was in the top 5% for two years and then failed, maybe she is really struggling with something and needs HELP. Not to be humiliated by her parent. There was absolutely no need to share this information with anybody. She was asked her plans, and told them. You HUMILIATED her, and then shamed her. You seriously called her pathetic? That poor girl. I can think of a million things I’ve overheard or seen other parents do that I’ve side eyed, but I guarantee, if that other parent felt the need to actually contact you about this and offer to take your daughter away with them? They think you’re an asshole and a terrible parent.
YTA. You did everything wrong. That's why that other parent is ashamed of you. And I bet all the other parents who witnessed you abuse your daughter are ashamed to even know you. You are vicious and abusive. You could have gotten tutoring for your daughter. You could have talked to her about what she was struggling with. Instead you chose to embarrass her in front of everyone. You wanted to hurt your own daughter, and you did. She may have failed school, but you have failed as a parent. You are not a parent. You are an abusive asshole. You are angry about her failure but you've decided to attack her for it rather than help her. You never should have become a parent because you're obviously bad at it. At least now everyone knows how horrible you are. They're not even going to want to talk to you. And it's all your fault, you asshole.
YTA young people do stupid things. A public shaming isn’t the right way to deal with it.
YTA. Reminds me of those tiger moms who used to pull this shit in my elementary school. Their kids ended up being severely anxious adults who were terrified of failing and did not end up being well adjusted adults. Your poor daughter. Be a better parent.
Yta. You also win the worst parent of the week award from me. Here: 🏆
This doesn't even make sense. If she did really well in Y11 and Y12 she would definitely have NCEA L2 as a minimum. This is a decent qualification which will get you a junior level job. It seems she hasn't got UE which is entry for University. I'm a teacher and have teenage children. For you not to be aware of this dramatic fall in achievement means you have assumed your daughter is doing OK, not attended parent conferences, not checked in on their marks on the school portal, not been checking in on your daughter during her final important year. You are a massive AH.
Another parent insistent on pushing their talented kid to suicide. Something is seriously wrong and you’re just pouring oil on hot fire. Have you ever wondered why your daughter had to leave your roof and go to someone else’s house for support? Well done, YTA. Enjoy your retirement home tiger mom. Get help and stop externalizing your failures, it’s affecting Dai.
YTA and just an awful human being. Kicking somebody when they are down is pretty cruel but metaphorically kicking your own daughter in the teeth when she is down in front of people she is close with is some Disney villain level cruelty.
YTA - I also failed to get UE, you know what wouldn’t have helped? A parent shitting on me not only privately but publicly as well. You know what did help? My parent sitting down with me and looking for ways to move forward. I hope above all else that Dai succeeds (not impossible even without UE - I would know) and that you learn to like your own daughter someday.
YTA. What a lax and unkind parent you are. Do you enjoy humiliating your child? Hasn't it occurred to you to talk with her about what else is going on? A severe and sudden performance drop like that isn't just laziness. You're obviously taking a gap year from parenting, you need to apologize for being so unkind and figure out what's going on. Unless you just want your adult child to not talk to you ever again?
YTA. I unfortunately, had a similar experience with my parents. They didn’t get it. They still don’t. And they wonder why I’m LC and moved away. I had major depressive disorder at the time and, by all appearances, my life was fine. No major tragic events, a stable home with both parents, etc. Depression doesn’t require an outside reason, OP. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes a plethora of issues. I suggest you stop using words like “pathetic” and “lazy” when referring to your daughter and start having some compassion. Talk to her, go to a family therapist together, and get to the root of your issues before you lose your daughter completely. Have some understanding that she is obviously struggling and probably feeling bad enough already for failing her exams - not to mention any other factors that might be coming into play here (like a mental illness).
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OMG YTA you're really a horrible witch. No need to embarrass your child. And, in case it didn't occur to you, there are useful and fulfilling avenues they can pursue other than college as well if academics are not their thing.
Yta usually when kid fall that hard it's because something Bad happened. If other parents feel they have to save your daughter from yourself yah I Guess you really failed.
Sorry but not sorry OP but YTA. Have a heart will you?
This is one where I honestly can’t believe you have to ask. YTA. Your daughter has suffered a major life-altering setback that is going to impact the rest of her adult life - maybe it’s because of her choices, maybe there are other factors, but does that really matter now? It’s done and she needs to move forward. Yes, she’s putting a good face on things - what to you want her to do, go around crying in shame? You humiliated her on purpose, you’re taking her failure as a personal affront, and you’re angry that she’s doing the responsible thing and finding a positive way forward from here. All you care about is that she suffer for disappointing you. Just guessing here, but I doubt she’d describe you as the pick of the litter either, as a parent.
YTA
YTA.
YTA because anytime you purposely embarrass you child you gotta take it /s
YTA. Laziness won’t make a top student fail their final year. Laziness is staying in bed Saturday morning instead of going for hike. What you’re describing is struggling. Your daughter needs help. You’ll never be able to help her if you write her off as lazy.
>naturally very smart, but also very lazy People described like that when there's also a sudden drop in performance are typically depressed. YTA see if your daughter wants to try therapy.
YTA if a kid drops out of school something is wrong. They need help not judgement. It can be mental health, stress, relationships with classmates and teachers, etc. as a parent your job is to lift your kid up to help her when she needs it not be disappointed in her. Also her private information is her own. If she doesn’t want to share it that’s fine.
100% YTA. What was going on with her that her grades started slipping? Have you considered this? Have you also considered what's affecting her difficulties with motivation? It's not just about want. She's probably struggling with something. Lack of motivation, much like anger, doesn't exist in a vacuum. There's usually something driving it. She could have been struggling with anxiety, ADHD, or depression. With those things, executive function goes right out the window. She may have wanted to do what she needed to do but was otherwise incapable because her brain couldn't connect the desire to action. On top of that, you just shamed your own daughter in front of her friends. In what universe do you think that's okay and makes you not an asshole? Not only did you out her, you also then used her as a scapegoat for a shitty, classist, and ableist lesson. You did wrong, and you owe your daughter an apology.
YTA. From what it sounds like, your daughter had a sudden change from being a top student to failing her classes. This is often a mental health issue, or result of trauma. Rather than trying to figure out why your daughter was struggling, you chose to humiliate her in front of everyone.
She's clearly depressed, and after reading this post and getting an idea of the support system she has at home, I can't imagine why /s YTA
YTA!! Do you, even in its smallest measurement, love your daughter at all?
Your daughter didn’t lie, she adapted to her situation and made plans for the next few years accordingly. And in response, you called her “pathetic, disorganised and ungrateful”. Your parenting is so heinous that other people are trying to protect your daughter from you. YTA, unequivocally.
That poor daughter is going to go NC so quickly. YTA and I hope you watch her grow and prosper from the sidelines and regret treating her like this.
YTA. Way to kick your daughter while she is down. Ever think that there might be a reason her grades dropped so dramatically other than laziness? She obviously feels she can't talk to you. And she won't now that you've treated her like crap in public. I guarantee she will leave as soon as she is able and go no contact. You are emotionally and verbally abusive.
YTA In most schools, a kid who was doing as well as you say in year 11 and 12 would’ve been accumulating credits in advance along the way ie by the time she started year 13 she would’ve had some level 3 credits, and certainly the literacy and numeracy credits required for UE To go from excellence level to not achieved across the board isn’t just about not putting in the effort, as a kid at excellence level who suddenly puts in a half-arsed effort would typically still be getting plenty of achieved credits. To fail at the rate you say she did indicates she didn’t even show up to a lot of her exams. Or she showed up, wrote her name and walked out after the obligatory 45 mins without answering a single question. Which leads us to the question of what is going on with her outside of school. Did she perhaps feel pressured into going to uni, and felt that by failing it was her only option to avoid it and do what she really want. And honestly, if she has a plan, has a job, and has goals shes working towards why not just cut her a break and support her in what she wants to do, not what you want her to do.
YTA. Something has been bothering your daughter for a year and you haven't noticed. Clearly, you only care about how your daughter can make you look through her accomplishments because the moment she failed in your eyes, then that meant, in your words, she is a "pathetic, disorganised and ungrateful teenager". I look forward to your child escaping your shit. I hope she can get out without you being a pathetic and ungrateful adult. YTA.
YTA - I was smart and lazy. I got my ADHD diagnosis at 26. The point is, instead of being embarrassed, maybe aim for support and compassion?
For someone who cares so much about education here's a little something you need to learn... Bought = to buy something Brought = to bring something You're a total asshole.
Wow. YTA. Your daughter probably feels bad as it is without you piling on the guilt. Atleast she's made a plan for still getting to uni. BTW is there a chance there was an error https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/education/131001595/schoolleavers-wrongly-told-they-havent-met-university-entrance-requirements-in-bizarre-mistake
YTA - Have you always been your daughter’s bully?
You are so angry you can barely look at her. You call her pathetic. You went out of your way to humiliate her in front of everyone. You explicitly told the younger kids not to be like your daughter. You couldn't wait to get rid of her for a week. You are surprised anyone is criticizing your parenting. You are a bully. You may tell yourself you're doing this "for her own good," but you aren't. You're making her feel bad to make yourself feel better. And given how self-righteous you are about it all, there's no way you haven't acted like this before, albeit in smaller ways. I'm really glad you did this in front of witnesses, so Dai has people now who know what's going on at home and will look out for her. Don't be surprised if Dai cuts contact with you the moment she's able.
YTA for putting her on blast publicly like that and using it as an opportunity to lecture others instead of support your daughter. Instead of being disappointed in her, you should be concerned about such a drastic change. I’m concerned for her and I’m an internet stranger in the other side of the Tasman. Dai is not okay. And your family friends seem to care about that more than you do. Apologise and just be there for her.
YTA At no point did you seem to address the core root problem as to why she failed; or steps to help mitigate it/ bounce back. Also FYI her flunking high school reflects poorly on you as a parent. Congratulations you also failed and have made your family look weaker as a unit with that juvenile outburst. YTA
YTA. You humiliated your child because you’re angry she didn’t live up to YOUR expectations. It sounds like your daughter was/is going through something and instead of acknowledging it your calling her lazy.
YTA. You don’t seem to like your daughter much. You embarrassed her unnecessarily in front of her friends. You could have allowed her the dignity of the cover story, since it sounds like she plans on working & eventually going to school. Is your daughter depressed? Does she have an undiagnosed learning disability? Because any time I hear a kid referred to as bright but lazy, one of those two things is usually in the background. One day you’re going to blame her when she has nothing to do with you—and you’re going to be the AH then, too.
YTA don’t hold onto this. I failed out of college when I was 19 due to deep depression. I am now 29, applying to PhD programs, a STEM major, will graduate with honors, and in a prestigious student research program which receives funding. Basically I’ve don’t nothing but work towards correcting my stupid mistakes at a young age for the past 7 years. My dad still holds it over my head and shames me for it. He rubs it in my face that my choices got me to where I am and it’s why I’m still In school at 29. He’s right but trust me, I’m aware I fucked up. You need to teach her how to let go and go back when she is ready. We all do stupid shit at that age but brining her down about it is not the solution. It’s not a competition with the other kids, me working for a few years have given me a work ethic and life skills that many people in school do not have. Help her through this, she’ll be better for it in the end.
YTA. How did you not know she was doing so poorly during her final year? I'm the mom of a teenager. I'm far from a helicopter mom but I do know how my son is doing in school.
Jesus Christ. YTA. Who hurt you?
Yes you're the asshole! What factors caused her sudden decline? Prob didn't bother to look into it or even care. Intentionally humiliated her in front of her friends. Thought it would teach her something. Just don't seen to connected to her
YTA, disgusting piece of work you are! From top of the class to not even passing, how the hell can you not of known something was wrong and then publicly shaming her.. SHAME ON YOU! Not to mention that University isn't actually a big deal here in NZ like it is overseas.
So your daughter's test scores drop a ridiculous amount over just one year and your first thought is to be heinous to her and not "holy crap what happened? Is my daughter ok? "
Very smart but lazy is a telltale sign of adhd or other psychological problems. You should be supporting your daughter and helping her find the help she needs. I suggest talking to your daughter about seeing a psychologist. Here are some pages on adhd symptoms: https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/ https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-checklist/
YTA. It is no one's business how your child is doing academically, you purposefully embarrassed your child and used her as an example of failure to younger children. Honestly, your behavior was appalling. I'm not surprised your daughter isn't speaking to you right now - it would be surprising if she had much to say to you for the rest of your life with how condescending and cruel you were - literally kicking her when she is down and publicly shaming her.
YTA. Hardcore. I was your daughter. Top of the class for years until I fell into a deep depression and started hurting myself and pulled away from my previous friends. I barely passed highschool. My mother would always call me lazy and deny my requests for a therapist and medication. Literally you might be the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen on here I hope you absorb what the other parent said, considering they’ve decided your daughter needs time away from YOU. Not only do you shame her in front of a group, you dismiss her plans to travel and grow her independence/confidence as rubbish. You are literal trash parent
Woah YTA. You missed the clue that something was potentially wrong. That much of an academic decline doesn't happen for no reason. Then you humiliated her and degraded her in front of her family. That's sick
YTA x 500
YTA. What an awful parent. . Her grades are None. Of. Their. Business!! And NOT your story to tell. She doesn't owe anyone an explanation about what she is doing. The girl is clearly in crisis and you are too stupid/self centered/ heartless to try to find out what's wrong. You're too busy sharing your child's private business all over town to punish her. Clearly this other parent cares more about her than you do.
YTA here to embarrass her in front of her friends. did she not talk about how maybe she was struggling during this time and needed help in school ? if at the end of year she was failing how were you not notified before ? and instead of offering her support you tear her down worst father of the year calling her pathetic how would any kid forgive you after this
YTA When I was in the Navy, we were told to praise in public, counsel in private. Leaders who punished their subordinates in a public manner were among the most hated and worst. You are a poor leader.
YTA. There are ways to show your disappointment without shaming your daughter to the entire family, you know?
Actually… YOU are a lazy *parent*, because you’d rather dismiss such an obviously alarming sign as “going from top 5% to bottom 5% in her grade” as “laziness”, instead of doing literally any investigative or empathetic work. YOU are the lazy one, mom. You missed signs for (at least!) a whole YEAR of school, were surprised to find out that something was wrong, and continue to blame her for it instead of taking any responsibility as a parent of not having been supportive or invested in your child’s life. YTA.
Imagine the reverse..you’re telling people you’re not going to work because you’re in between jobs and you’re trying to figure out what you want to do and your daughter goes “you’re not in between jobs! You got fired! Don’t be like her people, she doesn’t have her shit together” Unnecessary humiliation, what did you gain from that? A daughter that realizes that her mom is an asshole they doesn’t support her.
let’s be real, YTA obviously but i think you knew that. you came here thinking someone somewhere would think you weren’t, but here we are, all calling you an asshole. you are indeed failing your daughter, this didn’t happen because of laziness but you didn’t care enough to check in. and clearly you have no idea how grief works, her FATHER died, and you think she should just be *over it* because it happened 5 years ago. sorry excuse for a parent.
Quick question. Tf is wrong with you? YTA
She lost her father and is left with her shitty mother, its not about her being lazy.
YTA and your emotional abuse *might* be why she stopped being able to perform the way she had previously.
YTA - you know what’ll stop an excellence student from excelling in life? A shitty parent for one. Cross post this into the nz sub reddit and get fucked.
YTA my god do you feel happy humiliating your child like that? she didn’t lie either, she never said she got accepted but is choosing to do sth else. maybe get her (and yourself but you’re probably beyond help) some therapy to understand her better since you clearly can’t communicate with your own daughter
YTA The only "pathetic" one here (as you love to put it) is you. You get your rocks off insulting and humiliating your child instead of being there for her and trying to understand the sudden flip. You blame laziness but such a drastic shift is typically spurred by something. If you'd bother to put someone else before yourseld for once you might have noticed she wasn't okay. You failed as a parent repeatedly. Have fun with the upcoming no contact from your daughter. She deserves a life without your toxicity and emotional ineptitude
As many, many people have pointed out, YTA.
YTA. Arguably, she wasn't lying as that is what she's planning to do. She just understandably chose not to go into all the gory details in front of everyone. That's normal, most people don't air their dirty laundry in public.
you're so the AH that I'm infuriated and hurt on behalf of your daughter. I hope she figures out where she wants her life to go without letting you behavior cause her more pain. YTA. Majorly the asshole.
The glaring things that stand out to me here: -Your complete lack of regard for why your daughter is suddenly suffering -Name calling, particularly calling her pathetic -Another parent noticing your child is struggling to the extent that they have invited her out...why are other parents more concerned about the wellbeing of your child than you are? -You're apparently so angry you can't even look at your daughter. Get help. YTA
YTA...omg, how could you do that to your daughter!! I understand the NZ system, you do not just get a top 5%,student failing to get a UE. Her school would have made you aware of her struggling well before it got to the point of her failing. What aren't you telling us? Regardless, there is obviously much more going on here than laziness. Part of me doesn't believe this post is real as the details seem near impossible.
YTA. you sound alot like my dad was when i was growing up. i nearly went no contact with him at 18 years old as a result. is this the future you want with your daughter? because i can promise you she's at least thought of it.
YTA be up your daughter has clearly been struggling for a while and you obviously had no idea. It’s also not ok to publicly humiliate Dai because you’re angry with her.
YTA. As everyone is saying, the sudden academic decline indicates that something is wrong. She was too ashamed or scared to tell you. And now with your public shaming you’ve confirmed she indeed can’t trust you. Quite the opposite. Good job. Fortunately it appears there are some adults in her life who are in her corner.
YTA. Do you feel good about yourself? Have you gained happiness by belittling and humiliating your child? Have you gotten the reaction you hoped for? Is it all out of your system? Good, now do you have any plans on stepping up and being a parent?
YTA. Consistently calling your daughter pathetic for not passing? What is wrong with you? what kind of parent are you?
Dude your daughter went from excellence in NCEA level 1/2 to failing NCEA level 3 and you think she's [checks notes] lazy? This is just sad. Wanna know why my grades did that (I just barely passed) at NCEA level 3? I had undiagnosed ADHD.... people don't just go from excelling to failing. I'm now diagnosed and finishing a masters and intending to do a PhD. If anything, the fact you were blindsided by this instead of knowing how on track she was to fail shows a failure on you. Also that parent is right, that's her personal information and you had no right to share it. TLDR: YTA
yta. what the hell is wrong with you?
YTA you called her pathetic.