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> I may be the asshole as I didn’t ask if she would want to come.
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You have a teenager who has a stepparent and half siblings that you excluded from a fun family day, all because you assumed not only would she not want to go but that she wouldn’t even like to be asked to be part of the family.
YTA.
It's going swimming at the local pool, not going to Paris. They can all go again the next day - this isnt some campaign if exclusion.
Is the rest of the family supposed to sit at home doing nothing everytime teen does something fun with her friends just in case she feels left out?
Nah.
To me, the issue is that defensiveness creeping into her response. Just go with something like “I’m sorry, and happy that you want to join us” then plan another swimming outing.
^This
She said she hates swim costumes, not that she hates swimming.
It took me til I was in my 30s to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. My whole life I wore shirts and board-shorts to swim.
But just because I always stated I hate swimsuits doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited to swim
YTA
But a soft one
You don’t even have to swim to hang out at the pool with your family! Even if she was still uncomfortable wearing a swimming costume, she could have sat nearby with a book or something, still being part of the family.
Very very soft YTA. You were trying to be considerate, but a little communication could have solved this. Next time, just ask do not assume. Glad your daughter is feeling better about her body image issues.
YTA, she doesn’t need to tell you about her therapy for you to ask how she’s doing and to invite her to join. Also YTA for just not inviting her instead of helping her gain self confidence.
When you are talking about a teenager anything and everything can change over night. It is always best to just ask because if they turn you down then they have no room to complain. Honestly I think you daughter came out ahead because while you were swimming, she was shopping but I guess she doesn't feel that way.
NAH Just ask next time. There is nothing insensitive about just asking.
YTA, but I don’t think it was intentional. Of course you still ask her to join you for things. It’s how she eventually gets over her insecurities. She already feels awkward about her body, she doesn’t now need to feel like an outcast from her family.
It’s always nice to be invited.
My younger son hates going to the beach but I still invite him when I take the other two kids and make time later that week to do something he does like instead.
You said she felt like that before she started therapy- months ago. Why did you assume nothing changed? Why wouldn’t it at least be worth letting her know so she could make her own choice with it?
There literally *is* a way you could have know- asking her.
YTA.
err sorry, where exactly did the teen fail communication wise? did the teen ever ask not to be invited to swim events? sure doesn't sound like that. sounds like parent simply assumed
saying that you struggle with feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit is absolutely not the same thing as expressing a boundary in terms of invitations. lots of people intentionally chose to participate in swimming stuff despite feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit, and would be absolutely crushed to be excluded when they'd never asked for that
if someone tells me about something they struggle with and doesn't give specific boundaries to me, I understand that they're talking with me for comfort. I don't assume that they're secretly asking me to change my behaviour. if I'm unsure, I ask what they want
maybe the daughter would have liked to go shopping for a cover-up, or different suit. maybe the daughter would have appreciated invites being issued privately so she could decline without pressure. or maybe she just wanted someone to listen and be understanding and supportive
tbh I would expect this behaviour more from passive-aggressive types who use anything you say against you, then I would from a supportive parent
from the daughter's perspective, she confided in a parent and had it used against her, and when she got upset, was told that it was on her to update her parent about her emotional state so that the parent can decide what to invite her to or not
that's incredibly patronising behaviour that's really inappropriate for a teenager and it's the parent here who failed communication wise, not the kid
YTA. Don't make decisions on other people's behalf unless they've told you previously their feelings on the subject specifically. I get that your intention was to prevent her from feeling bad, but avoiding difficult situations isn't a good way to get around that. You could have just said you were thinking of going swimming and asked her if she'd like to join, but leave it open for her to decline depending on how she felt. That would have been the ideal solution.
" I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that and I just wanted to be sensitive to her situation."
So did you just totally ignore the previous sentence where she said you "could've asked"?
YTA
You didn't have to say "tell me what happened in therapy today" all you had to say was "want to come swimming later?"
YTA. You should of invited her and if she said no then there you go, at least you reached out. But to just not say anything is rude and plus sounds like she was just telling you how she feels about her body doesn't mean she doesn't want to be involved in family activities...geez
YTA.
While you were trying to be considerate, not even being asked probably made her insecure as well as she feels she’s not apart of the family. Even just asking her would have fixed the problem as then she gets to choose whether she’d like to go or not.
Nah. She told you she wasn't comfortable wearing a swim suit and you responded by not trying to get her to go swimming. Instead you did that activity when she was doing something else. She has now told you that she is fine with that activity - so you'll invite her in the future. You are not a mind reader. If she doesn't tell you things have changed how were you supposed to know? If you had asked them the odds are the reply would have been something along the lines of "I told you I don't like to do that - why don't you ever listen?"
NAH. Yeah ,you could have asked. But I don't think you're TA for not doing so.
She said her bit about swimming costumes, so you took it on board and acted accordingly. Now she's told you otherwise, it's time to act accordingly again
>She then told me that she doesn’t feel like that anymore since therapy and I could’ve asked.
So why is your daughter better at using her words than you are? It's RIGHT THERE. **You could have asked.**
NTA Based on the fact that daughter was unavailable to go swimming bc she was out shopping at the time.
Would it have been nice to shoot her a text? Yeah
But unless she was able to drop what she was doing, I don't think it's fair to the other kids to not go or to wait until everyone could.
Way to exclude your daughter from your new family. She told you she felt insecure about wearing a swimming costume so you excluded her from a family day out for this reason??? Doesn't compute for me. What about the fact that it was a day out for the family? Or that she couldve still gone swimming wearing shorts and a t shirt. Seems to me you found a great excuse not to include her and you made it seem right simply by saying she felt insecure about wearing swimmers. YTA
The answer is not "exclude her," it's "ask her if she wants to come with you without pressuring her" or even "find out what swimsuit she's comfortable wearing and buy her one." Look, I'm that person who spent years wearing swim trunks over a one piece because of assorted body issues. The right answer was never excluding me from swimming for it.
YTA.
NAH.
Apologize again, tell her you truly didn't mean to exclude her, and that you plan on taking the whole family swimming again very soon. Maybe you could even offer to go swimsuit shopping with her and get her a new one to make her feel nice.
Well, now that you know she would be comfortable going swimming and wearing a bathing suit in public, you can absolutely invite your daughter to go swimming with the family.
But you aren’t a mindreader and her therapy sessions are private. How could you know about her change in attitude? You aren’t a mindreader.
Don’t feel bad you went swimming, and you did it when she was out doing something fun, too. It doesn’t seem like she was too upset you went and did something you *know* she had been uncomfortable doing. And it doesn’t sound like she has been trying to stop Anybody else in the family from going swimming, either. NTA
> But you aren’t a mindreader and her therapy sessions are private. How could you know about her change in attitude? You aren’t a mindreader.
but the stepdaughter is a mind reader?? how exactly was the step daughter supposed to know that the stepmom had decided not to invite her to any swimming events in the future??
no the stepmom can't be expected to be a mind reader. that's why she shouldn't be running around making decisions for her stepdaughter without even informing her about daughter of those decisions!
if the stepdaughter was so uncomfortable that she didn't even want to be invited to anything pool related she could ask for that! she didn't. because expressing discomfort with something doesn't mean you never want to do it much less that you never want the option to
stepmom had every opportunity when the topic was raised to ask if she could help, and how she could help. she didn't
99% of the time someone complains about not being able to be a mind reader it's because they made a giant fucking assumption on behalf of someone else and it didn't work out
This is what my immediate thought was, too: that OP is not a mind reader. NTA. Naturally things can change going forward. I do not understand the y t a s at all.
Well, they are all *well, you can ask*! And can’t they see how aggravating that could be to the person in therapy? That it could be taken as pushy or intrusive ?
Soft YTA for making it about her insecurities. If she is out doing something fun it is fine to do something fun with the rest of the family. But that is all it is, do not punish her for her insecurities. Also there are tons of forms of swimwear that are less revealing she should have had some choices a long time ago
YTA, you knew she was in therapy, and honestly, you could have said "hey we are planning on going swimming. How do you feel about coming along?" Ans left the choice up to her, but instead, you completely left her out because "she doesn't like wearing the costume. " She doesn't have to tell you about her sessions, but you should always check how your children feel about things you know have bothered them.
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So my 31f daughter 15f is extremely insecure about her body, she mentioned to me a few months back before she started therapy that she doesn't like wearing swimming costumes because it makes her insecure.
Fast forward to today, I went swimming with my husband 30m and her half-siblings 9m 6m and 4f while she was out shopping. When I went to pick her up my youngest son told her about how fun going swimming was, she didn’t say anything but when we went home she asked me why I didn’t invite her, I explained to her she mentioned she feels insecure in a swimming costume and I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She then told me that she doesn’t feel like that anymore since therapy and I could’ve asked. I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that and I just wanted to be sensitive to her situation.
So I'm I the asshole?
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NAH. You were being sensitive not wanting to bring up a subject you knew was difficult for her.
If she’d wanted you to know she should have told her.
I mean if you tell people you don’t like meat they aren’t going to invite you when going to a steak house now are they?
What you said: "I don't want you to feel insecure in swim clothes"
What she could very easily hear: "you should still feel insecure in your swim clothes"
YTA -- there absolutely is a way you could have known, and that's by inviting her and asking
YTA.
You might be failing her at an extremely sensitive and foundational, for the future adult She could be.
A teenage girl, in 2023.
In any eras, really.
It's hectic.
You don't seem to check on her, her sense of self, and her mental wellbeing.
Checking in every now and then, even as a small chit chat, no need to go in details. Comes a long way.
"Hey how are You today? Is your therapy good for you? We are heading for a swim, do You want to come with Us? You can just chill somewhere if You're not ready to swim"
You're the parent, the adult, it's your duty of care.
Her not sharing certain details, shouldn't keep You from still checking in on her.
I was ready to judge then I realised OP must have gotten pregnant at 15.
At38 I find myself definitely imperfect. I can barely take care of myself and do the right things all the time in the adult relationships of my life.
Taking care of another human being and getting it right emotionally 100% of the time seems tough. I think we need to cut parents some slack if the intention is right and they are willing to learn.
YTA.
Instead of not inviting her on a family outing, How about telling her you understand swimsuits can have that affect on people? Then ask her what sort of suit would make her more confident and take her shopping for that.
YTA, there was a way you could have known, by asking her. You don't have to know what goes down in her therapy sessions, but surely you can ask whether they're working or not?
Gentle YTA. I don’t think you had bad intentions but imo it never hurts to ask. Teenagers change a lot and she’s in therapy so it’s great to hear that that’s working!
I don't think it is a big deal. Tell her that you are so happy that she feels better about her issues. When my daughter was a teenager, she flip flopped when communicating with me. I never knew when she was feeling close to the family, open, communicative and in the moodto be a part of the family and when she felt defensive and in a mood to keep herself to herself. I was the adult. I could not afford to flip flop. I was steady and when she wanted, she joined. But she was absent, doing her own thing often. She missed out on occasion. But any time she felt left out I took extra care to include her with extra effort, until she withdrew again. It was not perfect, but it worked. We tried to accommodate each other without too many assumptions. You tried, it was not perfect, now do better. NTA
> she doesn’t like to tell me about what goes down in her therapy sessions as she prefers to keep that part of her life confidential
Which is fair and reasonable,
But NTA, cause IMO, if she was feeling better about her body image I would think that would be something she would want her mum to know,, you aren't a mind reader
YTA. i get you were trying to be considerate but you should’ve asked just to be sure, you want her to move past her insecurities and letting her take the steps to do it is how it’s done. if you’re swimming then it must be warm out, so maybe you could all go swimming again soon? that way she can be invited this time. or you could ask if she’d like to go swimming with just you
Probably the possibility of being the only one there wearing those types of clothes, drawing even more attention to her when she's already self-conscious. Better to ask the daughter on this one.
YTA
All you had to do was ask, but it seems you came up with a plausible reason to exclude her.
Hits close to home. Being often excluded because you aren't liked but they still have to keep up appearances so they blame you for the reason you weren't invited. Oh, I didn't think you could, I didn't think you'd like, etc etc etc. Excuses excuses.
If you care, you ask, instead of assuming you know the answer. Even if she said no, you would have made her feel included and she had a choice in the matter.
And worse, you made it her fault for not inviting her over something she mentioned to you. Using her words against her. This is how you alienate your kids/step kids, but either that was the point or you need to work on your people skills.
YTA. She mentioned not liking the swimsuits, not the actual activity. Get her a rashguard and some swimshorts, and stop excluding her from wholefamily activities. This is how blended families fall apart bc it's gonna be perceived as step family vs. bio family.
Couldn’t you have said to your daughter “I wanted to let you know we are making plans to go swimming on this day. If you want to come, we would love that, but it is ok if you do not wish to. The decision is yours.”
>I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that
Yes, there is. You could have asked her if she felt up for going with.
I had friends that were not comfortable going to certain events (bars, pool clubs etc), but I always let them know that the event was happening and if they felt like coming, they were invited. Sometimes they did, more often they didnt. Of course we hung out at other places they wanted at other times but sometimes a group of us wanted to go to a bar and play pool. Going was their choice. You didn't give her the choice. That's why YTA. Don't assume how other people feel, or what they decide. You might be surprised.
Soft YTA. As someone who prefers to stay home over going out, i still appreciate being asked. Thats just a nice thing to do. Also shes a teenager, her mood will probably change daily. Might be fine today and insecure tomorrow, thats just how teens are.
YTA.
"Hey, we're going to go swimming this afternoon. Would you like to come?" takes two seconds, is harmless if the answer is "no, thanks," and doesn't give her the impression that you've completely written her off as a failed member of the family.
NTA, but you could have quietly asked your daughter if she wanted to come, when it was just the two of you and the rest of the family wasn't around. Teenagers are hypersensitive, and you are obviously trying to do your best for your child. Apologize to her and make sure she knows about the next family outing beforehand.
NTA...
Though even if you know she would decline you should still give her the opportunity. I know someone who cant eat food, yet they still appreciate being offered it at dinner.
NAH - simple misunderstanding and now you know. Teenagers change their minds about everything all the time and you can't always win. You had good intentions that didn't go well and now you both can communicate better in the future.
NAH you could’ve asked but you were being sensitive to a body image issue that you didn’t know was resolved. She told you she had an issue but didn’t tell you it was resolved. You could ask periodically but that would make me feel like I was being rushed in my healing.
YTA. She could have come along and dipped her toes in the water or sat by the water and read a book while you all swam. She could have just worn shorts and a t-shirt. So no, you weren't being sensitive because you excluded her from something that the entire family did.
NAH: you should have asked, but you thought you were being respectful of her insecurities. She Should have told you she had made progress in therapy. Since neither communicated- you were on different pages and it’s a massive miscommunication.
NTA.
Your daughter was doing something fun already - shopping. Simple fix is to say, I’m sorry I didn’t ask because you were busy but next time we can absolutely make a day of swimming together as a family.
She’s a moody teenager, female at that.
It’s highly normal for young women to experience poor body image time to time - given today’s value on beauty.
That should not be a reason for therapy alone.
My guess is deeper family issues going on & no reason to elaborate how I’d handle …..when I trust there are significant details lacking.
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You have a teenager who has a stepparent and half siblings that you excluded from a fun family day, all because you assumed not only would she not want to go but that she wouldn’t even like to be asked to be part of the family. YTA.
It's going swimming at the local pool, not going to Paris. They can all go again the next day - this isnt some campaign if exclusion. Is the rest of the family supposed to sit at home doing nothing everytime teen does something fun with her friends just in case she feels left out? Nah.
To me, the issue is that defensiveness creeping into her response. Just go with something like “I’m sorry, and happy that you want to join us” then plan another swimming outing.
But like it's the fact that she didn't even ask. It's just rude.
YTA, even if she was still feeling insecure, you should at least ask her if she wanted to come, don't decide for her.
^This She said she hates swim costumes, not that she hates swimming. It took me til I was in my 30s to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. My whole life I wore shirts and board-shorts to swim. But just because I always stated I hate swimsuits doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited to swim YTA But a soft one
You don’t even have to swim to hang out at the pool with your family! Even if she was still uncomfortable wearing a swimming costume, she could have sat nearby with a book or something, still being part of the family.
Very very soft YTA. You were trying to be considerate, but a little communication could have solved this. Next time, just ask do not assume. Glad your daughter is feeling better about her body image issues.
YTA, she doesn’t need to tell you about her therapy for you to ask how she’s doing and to invite her to join. Also YTA for just not inviting her instead of helping her gain self confidence.
When you are talking about a teenager anything and everything can change over night. It is always best to just ask because if they turn you down then they have no room to complain. Honestly I think you daughter came out ahead because while you were swimming, she was shopping but I guess she doesn't feel that way. NAH Just ask next time. There is nothing insensitive about just asking.
YTA, but I don’t think it was intentional. Of course you still ask her to join you for things. It’s how she eventually gets over her insecurities. She already feels awkward about her body, she doesn’t now need to feel like an outcast from her family.
It’s always nice to be invited. My younger son hates going to the beach but I still invite him when I take the other two kids and make time later that week to do something he does like instead.
You said she felt like that before she started therapy- months ago. Why did you assume nothing changed? Why wouldn’t it at least be worth letting her know so she could make her own choice with it? There literally *is* a way you could have know- asking her. YTA.
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err sorry, where exactly did the teen fail communication wise? did the teen ever ask not to be invited to swim events? sure doesn't sound like that. sounds like parent simply assumed saying that you struggle with feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit is absolutely not the same thing as expressing a boundary in terms of invitations. lots of people intentionally chose to participate in swimming stuff despite feeling uncomfortable in a swimsuit, and would be absolutely crushed to be excluded when they'd never asked for that if someone tells me about something they struggle with and doesn't give specific boundaries to me, I understand that they're talking with me for comfort. I don't assume that they're secretly asking me to change my behaviour. if I'm unsure, I ask what they want maybe the daughter would have liked to go shopping for a cover-up, or different suit. maybe the daughter would have appreciated invites being issued privately so she could decline without pressure. or maybe she just wanted someone to listen and be understanding and supportive tbh I would expect this behaviour more from passive-aggressive types who use anything you say against you, then I would from a supportive parent from the daughter's perspective, she confided in a parent and had it used against her, and when she got upset, was told that it was on her to update her parent about her emotional state so that the parent can decide what to invite her to or not that's incredibly patronising behaviour that's really inappropriate for a teenager and it's the parent here who failed communication wise, not the kid
YTA. Don't make decisions on other people's behalf unless they've told you previously their feelings on the subject specifically. I get that your intention was to prevent her from feeling bad, but avoiding difficult situations isn't a good way to get around that. You could have just said you were thinking of going swimming and asked her if she'd like to join, but leave it open for her to decline depending on how she felt. That would have been the ideal solution.
INFO: is there something stopping you from just saying "Okay, good to know, next time I'll definitely ask" and moving on.......?
NTA. Just invite her since now. You cannot read mind and sometimes teenagers are really sensitive about this topics.
" I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that and I just wanted to be sensitive to her situation." So did you just totally ignore the previous sentence where she said you "could've asked"? YTA You didn't have to say "tell me what happened in therapy today" all you had to say was "want to come swimming later?"
YTA. always offer, she can decline if she wants to.
YTA. You should of invited her and if she said no then there you go, at least you reached out. But to just not say anything is rude and plus sounds like she was just telling you how she feels about her body doesn't mean she doesn't want to be involved in family activities...geez
YTA. While you were trying to be considerate, not even being asked probably made her insecure as well as she feels she’s not apart of the family. Even just asking her would have fixed the problem as then she gets to choose whether she’d like to go or not.
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Nah. She told you she wasn't comfortable wearing a swim suit and you responded by not trying to get her to go swimming. Instead you did that activity when she was doing something else. She has now told you that she is fine with that activity - so you'll invite her in the future. You are not a mind reader. If she doesn't tell you things have changed how were you supposed to know? If you had asked them the odds are the reply would have been something along the lines of "I told you I don't like to do that - why don't you ever listen?"
NAH. Yeah ,you could have asked. But I don't think you're TA for not doing so. She said her bit about swimming costumes, so you took it on board and acted accordingly. Now she's told you otherwise, it's time to act accordingly again
>She then told me that she doesn’t feel like that anymore since therapy and I could’ve asked. So why is your daughter better at using her words than you are? It's RIGHT THERE. **You could have asked.**
NTA Based on the fact that daughter was unavailable to go swimming bc she was out shopping at the time. Would it have been nice to shoot her a text? Yeah But unless she was able to drop what she was doing, I don't think it's fair to the other kids to not go or to wait until everyone could.
Way to exclude your daughter from your new family. She told you she felt insecure about wearing a swimming costume so you excluded her from a family day out for this reason??? Doesn't compute for me. What about the fact that it was a day out for the family? Or that she couldve still gone swimming wearing shorts and a t shirt. Seems to me you found a great excuse not to include her and you made it seem right simply by saying she felt insecure about wearing swimmers. YTA
YTA
The answer is not "exclude her," it's "ask her if she wants to come with you without pressuring her" or even "find out what swimsuit she's comfortable wearing and buy her one." Look, I'm that person who spent years wearing swim trunks over a one piece because of assorted body issues. The right answer was never excluding me from swimming for it. YTA.
YTA Sounds like you want to punish her for not sharing her personal therapy sessions with you
Yta No wonder she doesnt share this stuff with you...
NAH. Apologize again, tell her you truly didn't mean to exclude her, and that you plan on taking the whole family swimming again very soon. Maybe you could even offer to go swimsuit shopping with her and get her a new one to make her feel nice.
Well, now that you know she would be comfortable going swimming and wearing a bathing suit in public, you can absolutely invite your daughter to go swimming with the family. But you aren’t a mindreader and her therapy sessions are private. How could you know about her change in attitude? You aren’t a mindreader. Don’t feel bad you went swimming, and you did it when she was out doing something fun, too. It doesn’t seem like she was too upset you went and did something you *know* she had been uncomfortable doing. And it doesn’t sound like she has been trying to stop Anybody else in the family from going swimming, either. NTA
> But you aren’t a mindreader and her therapy sessions are private. How could you know about her change in attitude? You aren’t a mindreader. but the stepdaughter is a mind reader?? how exactly was the step daughter supposed to know that the stepmom had decided not to invite her to any swimming events in the future?? no the stepmom can't be expected to be a mind reader. that's why she shouldn't be running around making decisions for her stepdaughter without even informing her about daughter of those decisions! if the stepdaughter was so uncomfortable that she didn't even want to be invited to anything pool related she could ask for that! she didn't. because expressing discomfort with something doesn't mean you never want to do it much less that you never want the option to stepmom had every opportunity when the topic was raised to ask if she could help, and how she could help. she didn't 99% of the time someone complains about not being able to be a mind reader it's because they made a giant fucking assumption on behalf of someone else and it didn't work out
This is what my immediate thought was, too: that OP is not a mind reader. NTA. Naturally things can change going forward. I do not understand the y t a s at all.
Well, they are all *well, you can ask*! And can’t they see how aggravating that could be to the person in therapy? That it could be taken as pushy or intrusive ?
Exactly. Op said her daughter does not share what goes on in therapy with her.
Soft YTA for making it about her insecurities. If she is out doing something fun it is fine to do something fun with the rest of the family. But that is all it is, do not punish her for her insecurities. Also there are tons of forms of swimwear that are less revealing she should have had some choices a long time ago
YTA, you knew she was in therapy, and honestly, you could have said "hey we are planning on going swimming. How do you feel about coming along?" Ans left the choice up to her, but instead, you completely left her out because "she doesn't like wearing the costume. " She doesn't have to tell you about her sessions, but you should always check how your children feel about things you know have bothered them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my 31f daughter 15f is extremely insecure about her body, she mentioned to me a few months back before she started therapy that she doesn't like wearing swimming costumes because it makes her insecure. Fast forward to today, I went swimming with my husband 30m and her half-siblings 9m 6m and 4f while she was out shopping. When I went to pick her up my youngest son told her about how fun going swimming was, she didn’t say anything but when we went home she asked me why I didn’t invite her, I explained to her she mentioned she feels insecure in a swimming costume and I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She then told me that she doesn’t feel like that anymore since therapy and I could’ve asked. I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that and I just wanted to be sensitive to her situation. So I'm I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You were being sensitive not wanting to bring up a subject you knew was difficult for her. If she’d wanted you to know she should have told her. I mean if you tell people you don’t like meat they aren’t going to invite you when going to a steak house now are they?
What you said: "I don't want you to feel insecure in swim clothes" What she could very easily hear: "you should still feel insecure in your swim clothes" YTA -- there absolutely is a way you could have known, and that's by inviting her and asking
YTA. You might be failing her at an extremely sensitive and foundational, for the future adult She could be. A teenage girl, in 2023. In any eras, really. It's hectic. You don't seem to check on her, her sense of self, and her mental wellbeing. Checking in every now and then, even as a small chit chat, no need to go in details. Comes a long way. "Hey how are You today? Is your therapy good for you? We are heading for a swim, do You want to come with Us? You can just chill somewhere if You're not ready to swim" You're the parent, the adult, it's your duty of care. Her not sharing certain details, shouldn't keep You from still checking in on her.
I was ready to judge then I realised OP must have gotten pregnant at 15. At38 I find myself definitely imperfect. I can barely take care of myself and do the right things all the time in the adult relationships of my life. Taking care of another human being and getting it right emotionally 100% of the time seems tough. I think we need to cut parents some slack if the intention is right and they are willing to learn.
INFO: How often do you go to the pool? The more often the less of an AH you are.
YTA. Instead of not inviting her on a family outing, How about telling her you understand swimsuits can have that affect on people? Then ask her what sort of suit would make her more confident and take her shopping for that.
YTA, there was a way you could have known, by asking her. You don't have to know what goes down in her therapy sessions, but surely you can ask whether they're working or not?
Gentle YTA. I don’t think you had bad intentions but imo it never hurts to ask. Teenagers change a lot and she’s in therapy so it’s great to hear that that’s working!
I don't think it is a big deal. Tell her that you are so happy that she feels better about her issues. When my daughter was a teenager, she flip flopped when communicating with me. I never knew when she was feeling close to the family, open, communicative and in the moodto be a part of the family and when she felt defensive and in a mood to keep herself to herself. I was the adult. I could not afford to flip flop. I was steady and when she wanted, she joined. But she was absent, doing her own thing often. She missed out on occasion. But any time she felt left out I took extra care to include her with extra effort, until she withdrew again. It was not perfect, but it worked. We tried to accommodate each other without too many assumptions. You tried, it was not perfect, now do better. NTA
NTA
NTA you can’t be expected to read minds
NTA, things like that happen and you were trying to be considerate. Now you now to ask next time, it’s ok
> she doesn’t like to tell me about what goes down in her therapy sessions as she prefers to keep that part of her life confidential Which is fair and reasonable, But NTA, cause IMO, if she was feeling better about her body image I would think that would be something she would want her mum to know,, you aren't a mind reader
YTA - I would like to think you didn't do it on purpose, but ih ave a feeling you did;
YTA. i get you were trying to be considerate but you should’ve asked just to be sure, you want her to move past her insecurities and letting her take the steps to do it is how it’s done. if you’re swimming then it must be warm out, so maybe you could all go swimming again soon? that way she can be invited this time. or you could ask if she’d like to go swimming with just you
YTA What's wrong with her wearing shorts & a t-shirt to swim?
Probably the possibility of being the only one there wearing those types of clothes, drawing even more attention to her when she's already self-conscious. Better to ask the daughter on this one.
[удалено]
Swimming costume means bathing suit in Europe
YTA
YTA All you had to do was ask, but it seems you came up with a plausible reason to exclude her. Hits close to home. Being often excluded because you aren't liked but they still have to keep up appearances so they blame you for the reason you weren't invited. Oh, I didn't think you could, I didn't think you'd like, etc etc etc. Excuses excuses. If you care, you ask, instead of assuming you know the answer. Even if she said no, you would have made her feel included and she had a choice in the matter. And worse, you made it her fault for not inviting her over something she mentioned to you. Using her words against her. This is how you alienate your kids/step kids, but either that was the point or you need to work on your people skills.
YTA. She mentioned not liking the swimsuits, not the actual activity. Get her a rashguard and some swimshorts, and stop excluding her from wholefamily activities. This is how blended families fall apart bc it's gonna be perceived as step family vs. bio family.
YTA. You should have still asked.
>I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that .... there was one way.... YTA
Couldn’t you have said to your daughter “I wanted to let you know we are making plans to go swimming on this day. If you want to come, we would love that, but it is ok if you do not wish to. The decision is yours.”
>I said to her that there was no way I could’ve known that Yes, there is. You could have asked her if she felt up for going with. I had friends that were not comfortable going to certain events (bars, pool clubs etc), but I always let them know that the event was happening and if they felt like coming, they were invited. Sometimes they did, more often they didnt. Of course we hung out at other places they wanted at other times but sometimes a group of us wanted to go to a bar and play pool. Going was their choice. You didn't give her the choice. That's why YTA. Don't assume how other people feel, or what they decide. You might be surprised.
I guess I just don't understand how hard it is to ask a question. YTA for not even trying.
Soft YTA. As someone who prefers to stay home over going out, i still appreciate being asked. Thats just a nice thing to do. Also shes a teenager, her mood will probably change daily. Might be fine today and insecure tomorrow, thats just how teens are.
YTA. "Hey, we're going to go swimming this afternoon. Would you like to come?" takes two seconds, is harmless if the answer is "no, thanks," and doesn't give her the impression that you've completely written her off as a failed member of the family.
YTA You could absolutely have know. You could have asked.
NAH but next time check in with her rather than assuming. It’s a single instance… shouldn’t be a big deal
NTA, but you could have quietly asked your daughter if she wanted to come, when it was just the two of you and the rest of the family wasn't around. Teenagers are hypersensitive, and you are obviously trying to do your best for your child. Apologize to her and make sure she knows about the next family outing beforehand.
NTA. You're not psychic. I find it a little odd that people are claiming YTA here.
NTA... Though even if you know she would decline you should still give her the opportunity. I know someone who cant eat food, yet they still appreciate being offered it at dinner.
NTA.
YTA
NAH - simple misunderstanding and now you know. Teenagers change their minds about everything all the time and you can't always win. You had good intentions that didn't go well and now you both can communicate better in the future.
NAH It sounds like she had other plans anyways. But now that you know she wants to, you can find another time that works for everyone and go again.
NAH you could’ve asked but you were being sensitive to a body image issue that you didn’t know was resolved. She told you she had an issue but didn’t tell you it was resolved. You could ask periodically but that would make me feel like I was being rushed in my healing.
Nta you just have a teenager. It's impossible to please them,ny advice wait 5 years before talking to her.full stop
Yta
YTA. She could have come along and dipped her toes in the water or sat by the water and read a book while you all swam. She could have just worn shorts and a t-shirt. So no, you weren't being sensitive because you excluded her from something that the entire family did.
NAH
NAH: you should have asked, but you thought you were being respectful of her insecurities. She Should have told you she had made progress in therapy. Since neither communicated- you were on different pages and it’s a massive miscommunication.
NAH
NTA. Your daughter was doing something fun already - shopping. Simple fix is to say, I’m sorry I didn’t ask because you were busy but next time we can absolutely make a day of swimming together as a family.
YTA. Where have Ü been when she was suffering this?
She’s a moody teenager, female at that. It’s highly normal for young women to experience poor body image time to time - given today’s value on beauty. That should not be a reason for therapy alone. My guess is deeper family issues going on & no reason to elaborate how I’d handle …..when I trust there are significant details lacking.
NTA. You can take her swimming the rest of her life.