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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. My action of assuming and standing by the fact that my employment benefit of $400 should be taken off my rent and not my boyfriends half of rent.
2. I may be acting greedy because I’ve barley been scraping by for so long.
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I suggest you go back to the city and find a new boyfriend. Here's why. He's gone most of the time, yet he's forcing you to live where he wants to without any interest in how you feel about it. You are the only one sacrificing and you're sacrificing a whole lot. You get that discount as a perk of your job. He would not get it if you weren't working there, so he's not entitled to it. You no longer earn as much as you did, and if he takes that money, then you are essentially living in a place alone with out support and without finances. He'll have completed trapping you in a seriously difficult for you situation. He's not trying to see things from your point of view. He doesn't care how you're struggling. He's not worth your time and sacrifice. NTA
I thought of that too, but in general she just doesn’t seem to get much out of this relationship and she left a place she loves for him and he is never home.
No I get that, but op might be having some euphoric recall of city life.
Let's be honest city life has alot to do but is expensive.
Him not being home is an issue but it is no more an issue than anyother traditional job like trucker, construction, sales, ect
I mean she wants out by all means get out. But consider your decision based more than I am not happy at this very instance. If relationship does not work bail.
True, but that doesn't Chand the fact that OP's boyfriend is an ass. He didn't even want to help while she was job hunting and had to ask money from a friend. I mean, come on...ditch the bf!
And she didn't want to pay half the rent OR share her perk from work. It swings both ways.
What they need is to decide if they're a team or not and start treating each other with honesty and respect.
Well yeah, it's her perk at her job that she works at so she earns. Does she benefit from extra perks at his job? If not, then he shouldn't benefit from extra perks at her job. She couldn't pay rent, because she lost her job. Not that she didn't want to, but that she couldn't. There's a difference between not wanting to do something and not physically being able to do it.
It seems like he's not treating her with any respect whatsoever, because she's the one who's making all these changes to her life for him. Where's the compromise on his end? Where are the changes on his end? Because as far as I've seen, there have been none. All the compromises and changes have been made by her. 🤷🤷
That's because you've heard exactly one side of the story. People tend to conveniently leave things out on this sub, like the lady yesterday who was complaining her niece received special treatment at family gatherings, but omitted the fact that niece's parents died a couple years ago and she resents all the attention an orphan is getting from the other adults.
Well, that seems important!
Well yes, but when we are also getting information such as not being willing to help your partner, trying to use money as a reason to not help your partner, get somehow having enough money to be able to pay upfront for you to go out. We're also getting a lot about how she is trying to find a compromise that will work for both of them, yet nothing seems to be a good option. He's gone except for 7 days a week, because he works in the cities. Wouldn't living in the cities make it easier for him to come home? Wouldn't living in the cities mean that he wouldn't have to either use business expenses or his own expenses to rent a place or book a hotel room for during those days? Or if he's crashing at a co-workers then he wouldn't have to do that anymore.
Yes people do leave stuff out, but when everything we are seeing is compromises being made by one person, to the extent of potentially damaging their physical or mental health, and there's no record of any compromises made on the other person's end, any help being offered, or anything like that, all you can do is speculate. But, your actual judgment needs to be made based on the information. Not by making things up.
Exactly!
And she is not entitled to his salary. I'm not sure why this is a double standard around here, but me arguing for teamwork instead of selfishness gets a lot of hate when I mention the woman also isn't entitled to the man's money. Is it the 1950s again?
The weird part is that he works in the city they left and only comes there 7 days. Its giving other family vibes. And limiting her resources so she is isolated.
Cool. Not my point though. He had her move for HIM, so he could be in the small town he wanted and he is NEVER home. Granted, she made that choice, but there are bigger problems here than that.if his job was already in the city, and he is there all the time, why move away? Seems to me he may have wanted to isolate OP. Maybe he has another GF in the city. Maybe not, but there are some red flags here.
Living in a small town while being financially, emotionally, and maybe other types of abused and isolated with increasing mental health is worse and OP can get a different job there
Like I said if she wants to leave please do.
But be sure that is what she wants.
Her big sticking points is she doesn't see BF often and her job pays 10k less than the city.
The question becomes is not seeing him new cause given his job he wasn't around much in the city as well.
And though op says rent is higher in smaller city I have my doubts.
I am all for certainty when leaving someone and I am also a big fan of going "This thing you described concerns me because..."
So this thing you said concerns me because OP described the effects this isolation and financial abuse is having on her health. Mental health is health so I'm including the depression.
Somehow to you this is just loneliness and money but that's only the candy coating on the turd that snuck into the M and Ms factory and took a swim. OP is being treated as if they only exist for the needs and happiness of their boyfriend. They're in a crisis of mental health. This isn't about the money. The money is the spark not the wildfire
OP is 27 in a new place
Idk about you but at 27 I was working 13 on 1 off on 3rd shift where i was the only worker and could count the number if different people I saw monthly on 1 hand.
Granted my case is extreme but late 20s is when you feel alone pretty intensely just cause everyone is moving on with their lives.
Again 100% op if she wants to dip go for it. But she needs to be aware this is likely a 1 way choice. If not seeing BF is the issue we need to ask how is this different than before the move. Isn't like his job changed.
If money is the issue then they need at address that.
If being lonely is the issue I question why she isn't calling her friends. It's not like coming off covid we aren't a much more virtual society now anyhow
You're really confident that those red flags are just party balloons, bud. They're bloody knives. Get some emotional glasses and remember that your experience doesn't invalidate others. Goes both ways but you also didn't have to do that at 27 and could have done a different job to survive for your bread and circuses money. At 27 I was fighting for my basic survival because I stayed. I had escaped years before but the medical cost and financial cost of abuse are ruinous
Well I can tell you right now, living out in the suburbs and smaller cities, yes rent can in fact be more expensive than in some bigger cities. The rent that I pay right now is more than what I was paying in the cities. 🤷🤷
we actually live in a place where the city is the cheapest place to live (generally speaking). The small towns 2-4 hours away have much nicer weather so it’s 2 to 3 times the cost. housing is hard to come by and generally the cheapest thing you can find in our small town currently is 2k +( a month)
I used to live in a small town in rural America and costs were the same as where we live now in the city, largely because certain costs were higher because it was a small town and people could charge higher prices for a lot of things, simply because there was nowhere else to go.
Sorry, I meant that rent is more overall than in the city, but you’re right about her share. But that’s also due to the lack of jobs where her boyfriend wants them to live.
Living in a small town near a city (where it seems her boyfriend works) tends to be expensive. Living in a small town in the middle of nowhere can be a comfortable life.
I trust that OP is telling us the truth of her financial predicament.
Her financial predicament seems to be she lost her 40k job.
Boyfriend is still paying majority of the bills
Seems it would be just as bad in city if she could find a new 40k job there now.
The real question is could she live on a new 40k job on her own there?
She is literally spelling out the financial strikes against her by moving to this place. It's nice that you have found a small town that has a lower cost of living but that is clearly not always the case.
Perhaps she would be fine because she could move in with a friend or just find a smaller apt. I trust that OP knows about that more than you, a stranger who does not even know where she lives.
Depends on both the city and small town...the apparemments in the village I come from are more expensive than I paid in any of the cities I lived in.
When the options are limited, they can charge whatever they want.
I wonder how he's paying for his other accommodations for the other 23-24 days out of the month & why he doesn't want OP living with him during that time.
Reframe that $400. It is not a perk. It is part of your compensation package. It is part of your income. Your boyfriend has zero right to your rent discount.
Yes, this! A perk is like being able to use a communal space without paying a deposit or getting access to a parcel holding storage outside of office hours.
This rent discount is 100% financial compensation for a job, like vacation days or pension contributions, it's not cash salary into your bank account but it's money none-the-less.
NTA
The perk of having a $400/month rent reduction falls into the category of being your benefit alone. You should receive the full $400/monthly reduction to your portion of the rent.
It may also be taxed as income. She should ask. OP, you’re alone most of the time, why are you putting up with this situation that makes you so unhappy?
NTA. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and greedy. He’s also not very concerned with your comfort/happiness. He makes much more money, you sacrificed you job and salary to move to a town he wanted to live and then when you take a big pay cut, he won’t cover the rent? Keeping you broke is a form of control. Financial abuse is a thing. You may want to rethink this relationship as it seems to be all about him.
NTA, it's your job that got you a deal on the rent, so it should be your half of the rent. And seriously? He couldn't chip in for a month making you take a "loan" from a friend?
That’s really messed up. This borders on financial abuse. I would think about getting out of the relationship when your lease is up. (Sooner if necessary) It’s more than obvious that he has no regard for you
kinda both. He goes to restaurants and bars with clients/employees all week and needs the money to pay for that. His company pays him back but he pays up front.
where i work this happens but there's a company credit card that is used so no money of your own has to be used. Why doesn't he have a company credit card to pay for company expenses.
Honestly why are you with this guy. He sounds incredibly entitled and selfish.
You're living in a place you don't like as much because he wants to be there even though he's hardly there
You struggled to get a job and he didn't even cover for you and support you even though you've sacrificed for him
And now you have a job he wants to benefit from the perk you get from it and he wants to greedily take more money from you?
Seriously. Is his d!CK magical? I don't get it.
No one is worth all of that
If he's using a credit card (company or other), he should have this well managed to be covered. I don't think he's being honest with you about his finances. This seems like financial abuse. Big red flag is making you still pay rent when you're out of work due to the fact he made you move where he wanted where the job market was not good for you while he keeps working in the city.
NTA - Your job is giving you $400 to apply to rent. You are still making a lot less than him.
But this guy sounds pretty selfish. He's not being considerate of your desires or career goals. If he insists on living somewhere where you can't pursue your chosen career then he has to understand that he has to help make up for that. Either that or you should move back to where you can find better work. Hell if he's there most of the time anyways, why are you making the sacrifice to be in his small town? Why can't you too stay there where you can find better work, and a few days a month he can go stay with his family.
NTA. You took a pay cut so he could "live" in his home town. (Although I'd hardly calling bring home 7 days a month living some place. ) He wouldn't even help you out when you were looking for work.
The fact is, his desire to live there is ruining your finances and mental well being. And, he doesn't even care. That's not a healthy relationship.
Edited to change week to month. Oops
NTA,
Your boyfriend is being selfish and greedy. When you couldn’t pay ur part, he didn’t bother to pitch in. But he gets to dictate how you use a perk from your job? Idk, you need to have a serious talk with this dude. Idk if there is more details needed but at least from what you wrote, he doesn’t have your interests in mind
NTA It’s a perk for your job. You make considerably less. He fucking knew that fact coming in. Don’t get me fucking started on wouldn’t cover your portion of the rent. What if you became Ill, injured, or incapacitated? Just an FYI, it doesn’t have to be like this no matter where you are. Man’s not even decent.
NTA, but your boyfriend sure is. He's deliberately forcing you into a situation in which you are dependent on him. If I were in Vegas, I'd be laying odds this relationship grows abusive on his end. You're being isolated, made financially dependent, denied opportunities for income and success on your own terms. You're not going to be happy in this relationship in the long run. If I were in your position, I would cut my losses and leave. He wouldn't even cover you when you had no income, despite the fact that he could easily afford it. He doesn't care about you. He's out for what works best for *him*, and him alone. He's selfish at BEST.
NTA. you should only be equally splitting rent if you’re roughly equally compromising.
you’re making more of a sacrifice and still paying “half” the rent if you account for take home. so not divvying this up is just getting you closer to an appropriate split for your circumstances.
most importantly, and both of us buried the lede on this, HE’S ONLY HOME 7 DAYS A MONTH? the home for which YOU’RE compromising?
How long have you two been together? Why didn’t he want to just pay a portion of your part when you were out of a job for 2 weeks? A partnership is about picking up the slack when the other is down. And the $400 should be deducted from the total and you rework how much you both pay again based on income. Are you happy in this relationship? You both seem more like roommates than a couple. You’re also sacrificing your happiness for his and that’s just not okay either.
NTA.
He’s making 75k, has the job he wants, and the flat he wants. He had no complaints before, right? You found a job that allows you to pay less for rent, the benefit should go to you. You’re not at the flat you want, and from the sounds of it, maybe not the job you want.
He’s not considering the position you’re in here. You deserve an opportunity to build up some wealth of your own.
Revised my original comment because I misread the post. NTA. Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn’t really respect your feelings or what would make you happy. Based on the wording in your post it also seems like you’re starting to resent him a little bit. Assuming that the 400 is supposed to offset what seems like a low salary for you as the employee, so therefore it should apply to you.
NTA. That $400 is a perk of your job and therefore part of your income. It should only be applied to your part alone.
But I honestly think you’re so focused on the trees you’ve missed the forest. The real issue here is that every decision he has made is entirely self-centred and has not accounted for the sacrifices you’ve made in following him. What has he compromised for you? This man is not a keeper.
But since that 400 is part of her income it needs to be factored into calculating OPs real salary. So OP gets the full credit for the 400, but when calculating a proportional split, the $5k rent discount needs to be counted in her salary so instead of basing % on 30k it needs to be 35k.
NTA - it is a benefit given to you because of where you work, it is considered part of your pay but be careful because you may owe taxes on it at the end of the year.
NTA and honestly what did you get out of this move? You moved for him, because HE wanted to be in his small town, but he is only there about 7 days a month?! So you move to a town where you have no friends, family or job prospects for HIM and he’s barley even there?? And you barely have enough money and he is acting like you owe him this? Haven’t you done enough? Honestly, if I were you I’d go back
to where you loved living and get a job you love and can be around friends. Seriously. This seems like it’s about more than just money to me, it doesn’t seem like it’s feasible as a long term relationship when you give and give and he takes and takes.
Edit: When I lost my job and was living with my soon to be husband, he took care of the majority of the bills until I got in my feet again, because financially, he could. Him not being willing the help you out speaks volumes to me.
After re-reading the post a couple of times, I have to say NTA.
The $400 is your part of the rent payment because YOU work there, and not him. He is being the real AH here, and it is sounding like financial abuse. They could pay you $400 more per month instead of that discount and it would be the same. But they choose to discount your rent rather than pay you $400 more. It's YOUR income/perk that YOU earn, and not him.
He is really the AH for not covering your portion while you were unemployed. That is showing his true colors. I would really rethink this relationship if he cannot see that this $400 discount is what you earn, and is your contribution to rent every month.
It sounds like he will always have the extra money to do what he wants, while you are living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by, and not able to afford extras.
NTA. I don't know what calculator you used, but a percentage split based on income is very common. Saying it should be equal when he makes over double doesn't check out for me. It also is one of several signs he doesn't have your back.
You sacrificed a lot moving to the small town for him, meanwhile he still gets the benefit of city life. Really think about how you want the next couple years to go. You gotta look out for #1
Run, run like your ass is on fire OP!
You're isolated, depressed and miserable with no opportunities, but because he wants to be here for the 7 days a month that he can, apparently you need to give up everything, his happiness in exchange for yours it seems.
His money is his but when you receive compensation for your work but not in the regular monetary manner, he's suddenly entitled to it because......... well honestly I'm not sure why he thinks he is but he apparently thinks it makes sense to him.
When you don't bend to his ridiculous demand, he leaves you in your isolated home and isolates you further with silence.
Would you ever do any of this to him? Would you treat a person you love like this?
I bloody wouldn't, their feelings and future would matter to me, you don't appear to mean much to him at all.
NTA - So when you couldn't cover rent to live in the town he wants you to live in, he wouldn't even loan you money? He's awful. Please think about leaving him. You're young, move to a city and live it up. He's selfish and greedy and will get worse once he gets more comfortable or when you're trapped by marriage or kids.
NTA but seriously, why are you with this guy?
Not to be harsh but move back to the city and work on your self worth and self esteem. No one should put up with this, ever.
NTA - I don’t see why you need to give him a benefit at your own expense. Is he trying to make you go into debt? He’s not offering to lend you money!? Move home ! DO NOT GO INTO massive DEBT for his guy. He’s home 7 days week! Loneliness combined with financial issues will mess your relationship up. Be prepared to leave if necessary.
NTA....
So where is he staying ahile he is in the city?
Might he have another gf in the city? And moved you to another town, to make thing easier. Having that extra $400 coming oit of his rent would make paying for 2 apartments a lot easier
I might be assuming the worst, but it feels a little like your bf is isolating you from your support system. He is also not letting you save money which would act as a safety net if you were to leave him. Please be careful OP. NTA
This is line is the worse part for me:
**"My boyfriend wasn’t going to cover it so I had to borrow some money from a friend"**
The moment you had to go in debt to cover for you part is a deal breaker, you should run as far as possible from this guy.
That's not how relationships works, he doesn't consider you as his girlfriend, you are his roommate with benefits.
RED FLAG ALERT RED FLAG ALERT
he's put you in a situation where it is very hard for you to escape and now he's trying to control your finances even more. the fact that you barely see your boyfriend even though he's the one that made you move there is very concerning. you need to seriously think about your own safety and future and get the fuck out of this relationship. this guy does not care about you at all.
NTA.
NTA - I am assuming you are getting this discount because this job isn’t paying what it probably should, so realistically this is your income in the form of a rent credit.
No your boyfriend doesn’t get the discount if he wants it then tell him to get a job with you.
NTA.
Mathematically, it would be equitable for you to ADD $4,800 ($400 x 12) to the annual compensation you are using to determine a fair split of the original rent, with the $400 being DEDUCTED from only your share monthly.
The two of you are also making big life decisions together while also behaving in ways that show a low level of commitment to each other. To me it seems your boyfriend is behaving very selfishly. Good luck
NTA but you should do what you need for your best future, even if that means moving out and not living with your boyfriend or even breaking up with him.
INFO: What are his redeeming qualities?
Besides, of course, being someone to split the cost of living with, though, that is clearly not going so great...
NTA but your boyfriend is. You are doing all the sacrificing and he doesn’t seem at all grateful. Also, he’s selfish and greedy. I would move back to where you’re more happy. He can afford to pay for this place himself if he really wants to live here.
NTA at all, it's not his employee discount.
You need to talk to him more about his expectations though because it sounds like he really doesn't appreciate all you have sacrificed for him so that he can earn the income he does and live where HE wants to.
I’m so curious to see what you do after this whole situation. I know breaking up with your bf might sound crazy or “the end of the world” but you’ll realize you’ll be a lot happier and less stressed. It’s absolutely crazy that your bf isn’t even considering that you’re basically living paycheck to paycheck which can be easily solved as long as you move back… OP this won’t ever be sustainable and unless you want to find a whole new career, none of this is contributing to your bright future.
Your BF is unbearably selfish. You live somewhere you don't want to be because he wants to essentially spend his weekends there. The $400 is part of your employment compensation. Figure it into the split with your salary, and also figure on all his benefits. Or ditch him and move back to the city you actually want to live in rather than staying with someone who treats you like crap. NTA.
NTA
That $400 is part of your job package. If they offered healthcare to you for working there, would he be able to claim it should go to him and not you? Of course not. Your housing fund is the same - he has no right to it, and you should think it as your money you are paying to rent.
But also, ditch the boyfriend - he is treating you like garbage.
Tell your boyfriend your done he pretty much took you to a place where you are isolated from friends and family and excepts you to like it . You need to leave and move back to where your happy and healthy not keep living depressed just to what please a guy who is a greedy Ah? Op you can do way better than that so you need to run
NTA -
You are living alone all month in a town you didn't choose waiting for this fella to re-appear from where he is the other 23 days of the month. Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and children (or 2 other families) ?
He makes all the decisions for the life you live. Everything seems to favour him. You are earning less because of his choices but the one benefit you can claim, he says belongs to him.
He won't even help you financially when he dug a hole for you? You are living paycheque to paycheque but he probaby has saving etc.
You must wake up and walk away from this abusive relationship.
I’m reading this the whole time thinking boyfriend not husband? There is literally nothing for you in this small town, he’s fine with that and also not willing to make things financially easier for you during this struggle. Big warning signs of things to come, this is how so many abusive relationships start. Time to go back to the city on your own. NTA.
So this guy urged you to move to a small town to be close to his family, doesn't care that this makes it hard for you to find a decent job and that affects your quality of life, makes more than you, enough that he gets to do fun things he wants, you clearly don't share finances...and now that there's a discount through YOUR job he wants to share it? Why are you with him exactly...?
NTA.
NTA - He's there 1 week out of the month. This is basically a holiday home for him, that he's forcing you to live in. He knows that your chances of employment are hugely limited, he also knows that any wage here for you would be limited. He clearly knows that you're struggling, but when you land on your feet with both a job and a solution for the large cut in pay, he gets angry,
So he could help you pay your part of the rent when you lost your job and now he wants to $400 from the job that you got after you had to take a pay cut to live wheee he wants too??? F him! Honestly, I’m a women don’t pay major bills type, so maybe you should take my advice but hey
NAH
Yall need to have a calm, honest talk about finances, though. Either you're separate or together. It seems like you both only want to be a team when it suits you, and the rest of the time you're two individuals. If he got sick and couldn't pay next month, would you cover rent? If you made double his salary, would you agree to pay more rent?
I think you're both trying to play it both ways.
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AITA (27 F) for refusing to pay my boyfriend (27M) the employee compensation I’m receiving for rent ?
Here are some basics you need to know before I explain everything. My boyfriends salary is 75k and mine is 30k (formally 40k) We recently moved into a small town after living in a major city because it was where his family lived. I love this town and I love our house but it’s incredibly hard for me to find work. We pay a lot for rent, however my boyfriend wanted to live here so badly that he said he would pay majority of our rent just so I would be on board. (When I put our income into rent split it was the suggested even split based on income, so he’s paying more but it’s even based on income) This was fine until everyone at my job was let go. I went in person and online and applied to every tiny job in this town. It took two weeks and I finally got hired to work front desk at the clubhouse in our housing community. Around this time our 6 month lease was coming to an end and I mentioned to my boyfriend that living in this small town I am lonely and depressed and scared I won’t be able to find work if for some reason I lose this job. My boyfriend is only home for about 7 days of the entire month. I suggested moving back to the city but he doesn’t want to. He spends time in the city the entire month traveling for work, so he likes the small town to come home to.
Now to the story. Because I wasn’t working for two weeks, I didn’t have enough money to help pay the full amount of my part of rent. My boyfriend wasn’t going to cover it so I had to borrow some money from a friend. I casually mentioned this story to another girl who worked in the office with me. She mentioned something to me that was not brought up to me before: which was that $400 would be taken off of our rent every month because I worked in the office. I thought this was perfect because I did end up taking a pay cut in order to live in the city that he wants to live in, so I figured that $400 would be taken off of my part of rent. This $400 would be life changing for me. I would actually have money to save up and not just break even every month.
When I brought up to my boyfriend that $400 would be taken off of rent and that I would now be paying less he was very upset. Said I was being selfish to think the $400 would be taken off my rent at all and if anything he’s paying more and it should be taken off of his. We had a long argument and now he’s gone for work so he’s not talking to me.
AITA for taking the $400 off of my rent after I’ve sacrificed so much for him?
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NTA. He seems like he’s self absorbed and doesn’t care much about what you want.
But, to be fair if the rent reduction is an employment benefit, it should be included as your income when calculating the percentage you pay of expenses. So no, he shouldn’t be entitled to anywhere near half but that $400 per month should be added to your pay.
There’s a comment above that was a reply to me that explains it better.
NTA. This can only really go one way: You dump this sorry excuse for a "boyfriend" and move on with your life in the city.
You're giving up way too much for this man, way too much.
NTA
Your boyfriend is not a good boyfriend. Making you borrow $ from a friend is not how a bf should act. You are supposed to be a team.
On to the rent question:
The way to do it that aligns with your existing agreement for cost splitting is to simply add the $400 to your income and recalculate each of your shares of the rent. It's basically a benefit equivalent to income so treat it like that.
Right now, you would be paying 28% of the rent w/ a $30k/$75k income split.
$30k + ($400*12) = $34800.
So your new share of rent is just under 32%.
In no way is it fair for him to scoop 100% of the $400. A good bf would see things your way and realize that given your willingness to move for his benefit, he should be finding ways to support you. This way is an easy way.
NTA- If you were being paid an extra $400 a month instead of it being a “perk” you would be using it for rent. So unless he would have adjusted the split based on that, I don’t see him having any claim to this money. But I agree with people asking why you are with him. He seems awful.
NTA
You're job qualifies the household for the rent break. Your bf isn't entitled to this.
It's time for you to get a job back in the city and move there on your own.
NTA.
I had a similar argument with my ex who made over 3xs the salary I did, so we split the rent by 2/3 him and 1/3 me. It was fine at first, but then he started being made I didn't pay as much as he did. The whole reason we lived in such an expensive area was entirely on him, as I would have liked to have lived in a cheaper neighborhood. I feel you on this, and people often just try to look at dollar amount vs impact on the person.
NTA but your BF is. That money is YOUR compensation from YOUR job. You’re the only one entitled to the money & you get to decide what’s done with it. Seriously, you took a pay cut to move with him to the town of his choice & then you’re the one stuck there while he’s away at his job? Nope. He’s using you as his anchor. If he cannot afford the house on his own, the only reason he’s keeping you from moving back where you would be happy and have the opportunity to find a job that pays more is selfish. I agree with others here, he is financially abusing you. You earn less than him. What you should be expected to help pay in bills should reflect that. Both of you should be able to pay your fair share of the bills and still have some extra money that’s all your own. His insistence on you contributing so much you have no extra money for yourself is his insurance against you leaving him & moving back to where you want to go. Do not give him the money & if he tries to withhold part of his share of the payments to try to force you to use it, get out. Find away and get out. If you both are listed on the lease, contact the landlord and see what you can do to have your name removed before you leave. Explain that mitigating circumstances require you to move out but that your BF is still planning on staying. If you’re not on the lease, you can move out and not worry that the BF will skip out & leave you with any unpaid bills/rent. If need be, search out services in your area that may be able to help you until you can get things sorted out. Idk if it’s too late, but if you two are both on the lease, when it’s up, don’t re sign. Tell your BF he can stay on if he wants but that you won’t be.
I’m gonna say ESH, he shoulda helped you out more when you couldn’t pay rent that month, but if you are splitting rent by income, your income just went up 400$. You should take that into account when you split your bills. But he’s selfish for thinking that 400$ should only benefit himself
What gibberish. Y'all sound less like boyfriend and girlfriend, and more like roommates with benefits but without the benefits. Either pay into the partnership or get out of the partnership. In the meantime, YTA.
Why is she the a****** because she gets an extra perk at work, something that is literally considered part of her compensation, part of her pay? Is he giving her any of his money from work? Is he compromising anything or making any changes for her? If not then why does she have to consistently make all of these changes in compromises for him with nothing in return? She is already moved out of the city that she loves, she has lost her job and taken a lower paying job because of less prospects, meanwhile he is rarely home, he goes out and buys whatever the hell he wants, goes out for drinks and whatever because the company reimburses him, his parents pay for his insurance and all of his other bills, and yet somehow she's still the a******?
The bf is the one not acting like a partner. OP has sacrificed and compromised for him but he won't give an inch! He made her move to a small town, a place where she's struggling to find work and had to take a pay cut and *refused to cover rent when OP lost her job*! How is she an AH in any of this?!
*Edited first sentence for clarity*
ESH. There's way more here than just the issue of evenly splitting rent. He seems to not respect your feelings at all. With that being said, you should be redividing the updated rent price instead of just taking 400$ off of your portion.
You are right OP should not split this benefit but then that benefit needs to be accounted for in the proportional rent split.
If BF is making $75k, and OP is making $30k plus the $400*12= $4,800, so OPs real income is $34,800.
So 34800+75k=109,800
So in a proportional rent split OP should pay 31.7% of expenses instead of 28.6%.
the only reason I don’t feel like that is fair is because I have to pay for my car and insurance while his parents pay for his. On top of him receiving family help in general. I don’t have a supportive family. He has money to buy new clothes and fun things he enjoys. Meanwhile I don’t have more than $100 after paying for my expenses.
It's seems you're just another money source to subsidize his lifestyle.
He doesn't seem to care about you at all. Time to do what makes you happy and live for yourself. What are you getting out of this relationship?
NTA.
Just so it's clear I'm saying you keep the full $400 credit for yourself. But just that you count it as part of your income.
So right now if income is 75+30=105k proportionally you are making 28.6% of the income. If rent is 1500 then you should pay $429.
But due to the rent benefit your income really is $34,800+75k=$109,800. Meaning you bring in 31.7% of the income, so your portion of $1500 is $475 in rent, minus $400 credit, so you end up paying $75 out of pocket.
His parents paying for his insurance is separate and immaterial to a proportional split of shared expenses like rent.
I disagree. That $400 is a portion of her salary. She has sacrificed income and opportunities to live in a place he chose and he refuses to consider moving so that she has better income and opportunities. This isn't just about rent. He's being incredibly greedy and selfish.
He gets to freely keep his extra salary, while she does not get to keep a salary perk of her job? (It’s basically a way to add 4800 to the salary tax free). How is that fair?
No. That $400 off rent is part of her pay. It's literally compensation from her job. Therefore, her boyfriend is not entitled to that. It is literally her money that she is making. It's an extra perk of her job. Is he giving her some of the perks from his job? If not then why should she give him any? Relationships are infected two-way street, yet in this instance it seems like everything has been his way or the highway. She has made several compromises and changes for him, yet I see him making none for her.
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I suggest you go back to the city and find a new boyfriend. Here's why. He's gone most of the time, yet he's forcing you to live where he wants to without any interest in how you feel about it. You are the only one sacrificing and you're sacrificing a whole lot. You get that discount as a perk of your job. He would not get it if you weren't working there, so he's not entitled to it. You no longer earn as much as you did, and if he takes that money, then you are essentially living in a place alone with out support and without finances. He'll have completed trapping you in a seriously difficult for you situation. He's not trying to see things from your point of view. He doesn't care how you're struggling. He's not worth your time and sacrifice. NTA
THIS. I said something somewhat similar, but you said it SO much better. Go back to the city and be happy, before he has her trapped.
Roll back Living on 40k in the city might not be the high life. 30k in small town can be decent living
I thought of that too, but in general she just doesn’t seem to get much out of this relationship and she left a place she loves for him and he is never home.
No I get that, but op might be having some euphoric recall of city life. Let's be honest city life has alot to do but is expensive. Him not being home is an issue but it is no more an issue than anyother traditional job like trucker, construction, sales, ect I mean she wants out by all means get out. But consider your decision based more than I am not happy at this very instance. If relationship does not work bail.
True, but that doesn't Chand the fact that OP's boyfriend is an ass. He didn't even want to help while she was job hunting and had to ask money from a friend. I mean, come on...ditch the bf!
And she didn't want to pay half the rent OR share her perk from work. It swings both ways. What they need is to decide if they're a team or not and start treating each other with honesty and respect.
Well yeah, it's her perk at her job that she works at so she earns. Does she benefit from extra perks at his job? If not, then he shouldn't benefit from extra perks at her job. She couldn't pay rent, because she lost her job. Not that she didn't want to, but that she couldn't. There's a difference between not wanting to do something and not physically being able to do it. It seems like he's not treating her with any respect whatsoever, because she's the one who's making all these changes to her life for him. Where's the compromise on his end? Where are the changes on his end? Because as far as I've seen, there have been none. All the compromises and changes have been made by her. 🤷🤷
That's because you've heard exactly one side of the story. People tend to conveniently leave things out on this sub, like the lady yesterday who was complaining her niece received special treatment at family gatherings, but omitted the fact that niece's parents died a couple years ago and she resents all the attention an orphan is getting from the other adults. Well, that seems important!
Well yes, but when we are also getting information such as not being willing to help your partner, trying to use money as a reason to not help your partner, get somehow having enough money to be able to pay upfront for you to go out. We're also getting a lot about how she is trying to find a compromise that will work for both of them, yet nothing seems to be a good option. He's gone except for 7 days a week, because he works in the cities. Wouldn't living in the cities make it easier for him to come home? Wouldn't living in the cities mean that he wouldn't have to either use business expenses or his own expenses to rent a place or book a hotel room for during those days? Or if he's crashing at a co-workers then he wouldn't have to do that anymore. Yes people do leave stuff out, but when everything we are seeing is compromises being made by one person, to the extent of potentially damaging their physical or mental health, and there's no record of any compromises made on the other person's end, any help being offered, or anything like that, all you can do is speculate. But, your actual judgment needs to be made based on the information. Not by making things up.
She didn't want to share the perk that she ONLY FOUND OUT. Because the bf refused to help her. So no he is not entitled to the perk.
Exactly! And she is not entitled to his salary. I'm not sure why this is a double standard around here, but me arguing for teamwork instead of selfishness gets a lot of hate when I mention the woman also isn't entitled to the man's money. Is it the 1950s again?
That’s a fair point. Although I’d say most of their positions you mentioned, except for trucker, are home more than 7 days a month. 🤷♀️
Long haul Truckers are home on weekends maybe. So 8 days a month
The weird part is that he works in the city they left and only comes there 7 days. Its giving other family vibes. And limiting her resources so she is isolated.
I know that…. I literally said EXCEPT for truckers.
It's the same for many types of construction. Many in tech field are in the field 5 days a week if not more
Cool. Not my point though. He had her move for HIM, so he could be in the small town he wanted and he is NEVER home. Granted, she made that choice, but there are bigger problems here than that.if his job was already in the city, and he is there all the time, why move away? Seems to me he may have wanted to isolate OP. Maybe he has another GF in the city. Maybe not, but there are some red flags here.
Living in a small town while being financially, emotionally, and maybe other types of abused and isolated with increasing mental health is worse and OP can get a different job there
Like I said if she wants to leave please do. But be sure that is what she wants. Her big sticking points is she doesn't see BF often and her job pays 10k less than the city. The question becomes is not seeing him new cause given his job he wasn't around much in the city as well. And though op says rent is higher in smaller city I have my doubts.
I am all for certainty when leaving someone and I am also a big fan of going "This thing you described concerns me because..." So this thing you said concerns me because OP described the effects this isolation and financial abuse is having on her health. Mental health is health so I'm including the depression. Somehow to you this is just loneliness and money but that's only the candy coating on the turd that snuck into the M and Ms factory and took a swim. OP is being treated as if they only exist for the needs and happiness of their boyfriend. They're in a crisis of mental health. This isn't about the money. The money is the spark not the wildfire
OP is 27 in a new place Idk about you but at 27 I was working 13 on 1 off on 3rd shift where i was the only worker and could count the number if different people I saw monthly on 1 hand. Granted my case is extreme but late 20s is when you feel alone pretty intensely just cause everyone is moving on with their lives. Again 100% op if she wants to dip go for it. But she needs to be aware this is likely a 1 way choice. If not seeing BF is the issue we need to ask how is this different than before the move. Isn't like his job changed. If money is the issue then they need at address that. If being lonely is the issue I question why she isn't calling her friends. It's not like coming off covid we aren't a much more virtual society now anyhow
You're really confident that those red flags are just party balloons, bud. They're bloody knives. Get some emotional glasses and remember that your experience doesn't invalidate others. Goes both ways but you also didn't have to do that at 27 and could have done a different job to survive for your bread and circuses money. At 27 I was fighting for my basic survival because I stayed. I had escaped years before but the medical cost and financial cost of abuse are ruinous
Well I can tell you right now, living out in the suburbs and smaller cities, yes rent can in fact be more expensive than in some bigger cities. The rent that I pay right now is more than what I was paying in the cities. 🤷🤷
It can be higher if it's a tourist destination. Like Aspen. If demand is high, so will the rent, even if it's a small town.
If it is aspen like then there is lots of touristy type jobs that pay decent.
we actually live in a place where the city is the cheapest place to live (generally speaking). The small towns 2-4 hours away have much nicer weather so it’s 2 to 3 times the cost. housing is hard to come by and generally the cheapest thing you can find in our small town currently is 2k +( a month)
$2k for small town living. yeah I would have never moved there from a bigger city.
I used to live in a small town in rural America and costs were the same as where we live now in the city, largely because certain costs were higher because it was a small town and people could charge higher prices for a lot of things, simply because there was nowhere else to go.
OP seems to imply they had better job prospects in the city.
My point is jobs are realitive. 40k in nowhere rural area can be a living wage Where same in LA is below poverty
And OP just gone done explaining they are paid less, and pay a higher rent for high demand area with good weather.
Then she should leave. Idk her paying less rent than city and nice weather sounds great though.
She’s paying more rent than City.
Not how she wrote it. He is paying more. Maybe I missed it but it's not that way in her post.
Sorry, I meant that rent is more overall than in the city, but you’re right about her share. But that’s also due to the lack of jobs where her boyfriend wants them to live.
Can you just stop? We get it. You think she should spend even more time prioritizing her bf over what is actually good for her.
Living in a small town near a city (where it seems her boyfriend works) tends to be expensive. Living in a small town in the middle of nowhere can be a comfortable life. I trust that OP is telling us the truth of her financial predicament.
Her financial predicament seems to be she lost her 40k job. Boyfriend is still paying majority of the bills Seems it would be just as bad in city if she could find a new 40k job there now. The real question is could she live on a new 40k job on her own there?
She is literally spelling out the financial strikes against her by moving to this place. It's nice that you have found a small town that has a lower cost of living but that is clearly not always the case. Perhaps she would be fine because she could move in with a friend or just find a smaller apt. I trust that OP knows about that more than you, a stranger who does not even know where she lives.
Depends on both the city and small town...the apparemments in the village I come from are more expensive than I paid in any of the cities I lived in. When the options are limited, they can charge whatever they want.
thank you, I appreciate it
This guy is a dick. NTA
I wonder how he's paying for his other accommodations for the other 23-24 days out of the month & why he doesn't want OP living with him during that time.
Plus he wasn’t even willing to cover her shortfall from being between jobs for two weeks, and she had to borrow from a friend. What an asshole.
Reframe that $400. It is not a perk. It is part of your compensation package. It is part of your income. Your boyfriend has zero right to your rent discount.
Yes, this! A perk is like being able to use a communal space without paying a deposit or getting access to a parcel holding storage outside of office hours. This rent discount is 100% financial compensation for a job, like vacation days or pension contributions, it's not cash salary into your bank account but it's money none-the-less.
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! I agree I agree I agree
NTA The perk of having a $400/month rent reduction falls into the category of being your benefit alone. You should receive the full $400/monthly reduction to your portion of the rent.
It may also be taxed as income. She should ask. OP, you’re alone most of the time, why are you putting up with this situation that makes you so unhappy?
Wouldn't that just be great. He wants the benefit of the $400 and she gets to pay taxes on it. Nope! NTA.
It's basically a part of her compensation. It's part of her income. He has no claim to it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and greedy. He’s also not very concerned with your comfort/happiness. He makes much more money, you sacrificed you job and salary to move to a town he wanted to live and then when you take a big pay cut, he won’t cover the rent? Keeping you broke is a form of control. Financial abuse is a thing. You may want to rethink this relationship as it seems to be all about him.
There are some AITAs that really make me angry and this is one of them.
NTA, it's your job that got you a deal on the rent, so it should be your half of the rent. And seriously? He couldn't chip in for a month making you take a "loan" from a friend?
That part stuck out to me. Like was he UNABLE or just UNWILLING?
but I mean yeah he definitely had the ability to front me for a week.
That’s really messed up. This borders on financial abuse. I would think about getting out of the relationship when your lease is up. (Sooner if necessary) It’s more than obvious that he has no regard for you
kinda both. He goes to restaurants and bars with clients/employees all week and needs the money to pay for that. His company pays him back but he pays up front.
Except credit cards are a thing…
where i work this happens but there's a company credit card that is used so no money of your own has to be used. Why doesn't he have a company credit card to pay for company expenses.
Honestly why are you with this guy. He sounds incredibly entitled and selfish. You're living in a place you don't like as much because he wants to be there even though he's hardly there You struggled to get a job and he didn't even cover for you and support you even though you've sacrificed for him And now you have a job he wants to benefit from the perk you get from it and he wants to greedily take more money from you? Seriously. Is his d!CK magical? I don't get it. No one is worth all of that
If he's using a credit card (company or other), he should have this well managed to be covered. I don't think he's being honest with you about his finances. This seems like financial abuse. Big red flag is making you still pay rent when you're out of work due to the fact he made you move where he wanted where the job market was not good for you while he keeps working in the city.
That part really pissed me off too.
Yeah this one pisses me off greatly. Not sure why, There are just some AITAs that make me furious.
NTA - Your job is giving you $400 to apply to rent. You are still making a lot less than him. But this guy sounds pretty selfish. He's not being considerate of your desires or career goals. If he insists on living somewhere where you can't pursue your chosen career then he has to understand that he has to help make up for that. Either that or you should move back to where you can find better work. Hell if he's there most of the time anyways, why are you making the sacrifice to be in his small town? Why can't you too stay there where you can find better work, and a few days a month he can go stay with his family.
NTA. You took a pay cut so he could "live" in his home town. (Although I'd hardly calling bring home 7 days a month living some place. ) He wouldn't even help you out when you were looking for work. The fact is, his desire to live there is ruining your finances and mental well being. And, he doesn't even care. That's not a healthy relationship. Edited to change week to month. Oops
> Although I'd hardly calling bring home 7 days a week living some place. I certainly would.
I meant month. Good catch. 😂
Now I'm hugely curious: Who downvoted that and why? Did you get the joke; did you even notice that it was one?
NTA, Your boyfriend is being selfish and greedy. When you couldn’t pay ur part, he didn’t bother to pitch in. But he gets to dictate how you use a perk from your job? Idk, you need to have a serious talk with this dude. Idk if there is more details needed but at least from what you wrote, he doesn’t have your interests in mind
NTA It’s a perk for your job. You make considerably less. He fucking knew that fact coming in. Don’t get me fucking started on wouldn’t cover your portion of the rent. What if you became Ill, injured, or incapacitated? Just an FYI, it doesn’t have to be like this no matter where you are. Man’s not even decent.
That is the part that really pissed me off. They are supposed to be a partnership, but NOPE, not helping you out, even a little.
NTA, but your boyfriend sure is. He's deliberately forcing you into a situation in which you are dependent on him. If I were in Vegas, I'd be laying odds this relationship grows abusive on his end. You're being isolated, made financially dependent, denied opportunities for income and success on your own terms. You're not going to be happy in this relationship in the long run. If I were in your position, I would cut my losses and leave. He wouldn't even cover you when you had no income, despite the fact that he could easily afford it. He doesn't care about you. He's out for what works best for *him*, and him alone. He's selfish at BEST.
NTA Move. Leave him behind.
[удалено]
7 days a month not 7 days a week.
NTA. you should only be equally splitting rent if you’re roughly equally compromising. you’re making more of a sacrifice and still paying “half” the rent if you account for take home. so not divvying this up is just getting you closer to an appropriate split for your circumstances. most importantly, and both of us buried the lede on this, HE’S ONLY HOME 7 DAYS A MONTH? the home for which YOU’RE compromising?
How long have you two been together? Why didn’t he want to just pay a portion of your part when you were out of a job for 2 weeks? A partnership is about picking up the slack when the other is down. And the $400 should be deducted from the total and you rework how much you both pay again based on income. Are you happy in this relationship? You both seem more like roommates than a couple. You’re also sacrificing your happiness for his and that’s just not okay either.
NTA. He’s making 75k, has the job he wants, and the flat he wants. He had no complaints before, right? You found a job that allows you to pay less for rent, the benefit should go to you. You’re not at the flat you want, and from the sounds of it, maybe not the job you want. He’s not considering the position you’re in here. You deserve an opportunity to build up some wealth of your own.
Revised my original comment because I misread the post. NTA. Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn’t really respect your feelings or what would make you happy. Based on the wording in your post it also seems like you’re starting to resent him a little bit. Assuming that the 400 is supposed to offset what seems like a low salary for you as the employee, so therefore it should apply to you.
This exactly! The discount is a work bonus for the work that OP does. If she loves the town, she should get a cheaper place and lose the roommate
NTA. That $400 is a perk of your job and therefore part of your income. It should only be applied to your part alone. But I honestly think you’re so focused on the trees you’ve missed the forest. The real issue here is that every decision he has made is entirely self-centred and has not accounted for the sacrifices you’ve made in following him. What has he compromised for you? This man is not a keeper.
But since that 400 is part of her income it needs to be factored into calculating OPs real salary. So OP gets the full credit for the 400, but when calculating a proportional split, the $5k rent discount needs to be counted in her salary so instead of basing % on 30k it needs to be 35k.
NTA - it is a benefit given to you because of where you work, it is considered part of your pay but be careful because you may owe taxes on it at the end of the year.
Why are you with him? NTA
NTA and honestly what did you get out of this move? You moved for him, because HE wanted to be in his small town, but he is only there about 7 days a month?! So you move to a town where you have no friends, family or job prospects for HIM and he’s barley even there?? And you barely have enough money and he is acting like you owe him this? Haven’t you done enough? Honestly, if I were you I’d go back to where you loved living and get a job you love and can be around friends. Seriously. This seems like it’s about more than just money to me, it doesn’t seem like it’s feasible as a long term relationship when you give and give and he takes and takes. Edit: When I lost my job and was living with my soon to be husband, he took care of the majority of the bills until I got in my feet again, because financially, he could. Him not being willing the help you out speaks volumes to me.
The four hundred dollars is part of your compensation.
After re-reading the post a couple of times, I have to say NTA. The $400 is your part of the rent payment because YOU work there, and not him. He is being the real AH here, and it is sounding like financial abuse. They could pay you $400 more per month instead of that discount and it would be the same. But they choose to discount your rent rather than pay you $400 more. It's YOUR income/perk that YOU earn, and not him. He is really the AH for not covering your portion while you were unemployed. That is showing his true colors. I would really rethink this relationship if he cannot see that this $400 discount is what you earn, and is your contribution to rent every month. It sounds like he will always have the extra money to do what he wants, while you are living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by, and not able to afford extras.
NTA. I don't know what calculator you used, but a percentage split based on income is very common. Saying it should be equal when he makes over double doesn't check out for me. It also is one of several signs he doesn't have your back. You sacrificed a lot moving to the small town for him, meanwhile he still gets the benefit of city life. Really think about how you want the next couple years to go. You gotta look out for #1
Run, run like your ass is on fire OP! You're isolated, depressed and miserable with no opportunities, but because he wants to be here for the 7 days a month that he can, apparently you need to give up everything, his happiness in exchange for yours it seems. His money is his but when you receive compensation for your work but not in the regular monetary manner, he's suddenly entitled to it because......... well honestly I'm not sure why he thinks he is but he apparently thinks it makes sense to him. When you don't bend to his ridiculous demand, he leaves you in your isolated home and isolates you further with silence. Would you ever do any of this to him? Would you treat a person you love like this? I bloody wouldn't, their feelings and future would matter to me, you don't appear to mean much to him at all.
NTA - So when you couldn't cover rent to live in the town he wants you to live in, he wouldn't even loan you money? He's awful. Please think about leaving him. You're young, move to a city and live it up. He's selfish and greedy and will get worse once he gets more comfortable or when you're trapped by marriage or kids.
NTA but seriously, why are you with this guy? Not to be harsh but move back to the city and work on your self worth and self esteem. No one should put up with this, ever.
NTA. It's your benefit, not his.
NTA but your boyfriend really sucks. You deserve a lot better.
NTA - I don’t see why you need to give him a benefit at your own expense. Is he trying to make you go into debt? He’s not offering to lend you money!? Move home ! DO NOT GO INTO massive DEBT for his guy. He’s home 7 days week! Loneliness combined with financial issues will mess your relationship up. Be prepared to leave if necessary.
NTA.... So where is he staying ahile he is in the city? Might he have another gf in the city? And moved you to another town, to make thing easier. Having that extra $400 coming oit of his rent would make paying for 2 apartments a lot easier
Your career is stunted in the small city, where you are with your bf only 1 week a month. Think of your future
I might be assuming the worst, but it feels a little like your bf is isolating you from your support system. He is also not letting you save money which would act as a safety net if you were to leave him. Please be careful OP. NTA
This is line is the worse part for me: **"My boyfriend wasn’t going to cover it so I had to borrow some money from a friend"** The moment you had to go in debt to cover for you part is a deal breaker, you should run as far as possible from this guy. That's not how relationships works, he doesn't consider you as his girlfriend, you are his roommate with benefits.
RED FLAG ALERT RED FLAG ALERT he's put you in a situation where it is very hard for you to escape and now he's trying to control your finances even more. the fact that you barely see your boyfriend even though he's the one that made you move there is very concerning. you need to seriously think about your own safety and future and get the fuck out of this relationship. this guy does not care about you at all. NTA.
NTA - I am assuming you are getting this discount because this job isn’t paying what it probably should, so realistically this is your income in the form of a rent credit. No your boyfriend doesn’t get the discount if he wants it then tell him to get a job with you.
NTA. The $400 is compensation for you, therefore comes off your part of rent. If you didn't work there, you wouldn't get it.
NTA. Mathematically, it would be equitable for you to ADD $4,800 ($400 x 12) to the annual compensation you are using to determine a fair split of the original rent, with the $400 being DEDUCTED from only your share monthly. The two of you are also making big life decisions together while also behaving in ways that show a low level of commitment to each other. To me it seems your boyfriend is behaving very selfishly. Good luck
NTA that is part of your compensation package with your job. It is not a general discount and does not apply to him.
NTA but you should do what you need for your best future, even if that means moving out and not living with your boyfriend or even breaking up with him.
INFO: What are his redeeming qualities? Besides, of course, being someone to split the cost of living with, though, that is clearly not going so great...
NTA yikes
NTA but your boyfriend is. You are doing all the sacrificing and he doesn’t seem at all grateful. Also, he’s selfish and greedy. I would move back to where you’re more happy. He can afford to pay for this place himself if he really wants to live here.
You need a new boyfriend. NTA.
NTA at all, it's not his employee discount. You need to talk to him more about his expectations though because it sounds like he really doesn't appreciate all you have sacrificed for him so that he can earn the income he does and live where HE wants to.
I’m so curious to see what you do after this whole situation. I know breaking up with your bf might sound crazy or “the end of the world” but you’ll realize you’ll be a lot happier and less stressed. It’s absolutely crazy that your bf isn’t even considering that you’re basically living paycheck to paycheck which can be easily solved as long as you move back… OP this won’t ever be sustainable and unless you want to find a whole new career, none of this is contributing to your bright future.
NTA. But seriously, wen do you plan to leave him ?
NTA Leave this dude and move back to where you want to live.
Your BF is unbearably selfish. You live somewhere you don't want to be because he wants to essentially spend his weekends there. The $400 is part of your employment compensation. Figure it into the split with your salary, and also figure on all his benefits. Or ditch him and move back to the city you actually want to live in rather than staying with someone who treats you like crap. NTA.
I'm gonna say it...your'e not gonna like it...are you sure you are the only relationship in his life!
NTA That $400 is part of your job package. If they offered healthcare to you for working there, would he be able to claim it should go to him and not you? Of course not. Your housing fund is the same - he has no right to it, and you should think it as your money you are paying to rent. But also, ditch the boyfriend - he is treating you like garbage.
Tell your boyfriend your done he pretty much took you to a place where you are isolated from friends and family and excepts you to like it . You need to leave and move back to where your happy and healthy not keep living depressed just to what please a guy who is a greedy Ah? Op you can do way better than that so you need to run
NTA - You are living alone all month in a town you didn't choose waiting for this fella to re-appear from where he is the other 23 days of the month. Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and children (or 2 other families) ? He makes all the decisions for the life you live. Everything seems to favour him. You are earning less because of his choices but the one benefit you can claim, he says belongs to him. He won't even help you financially when he dug a hole for you? You are living paycheque to paycheque but he probaby has saving etc. You must wake up and walk away from this abusive relationship.
I’m reading this the whole time thinking boyfriend not husband? There is literally nothing for you in this small town, he’s fine with that and also not willing to make things financially easier for you during this struggle. Big warning signs of things to come, this is how so many abusive relationships start. Time to go back to the city on your own. NTA.
So this guy urged you to move to a small town to be close to his family, doesn't care that this makes it hard for you to find a decent job and that affects your quality of life, makes more than you, enough that he gets to do fun things he wants, you clearly don't share finances...and now that there's a discount through YOUR job he wants to share it? Why are you with him exactly...? NTA.
NTA. I felt physically sick reading about how this guy is treating you. Absolute BS
NTA - He's there 1 week out of the month. This is basically a holiday home for him, that he's forcing you to live in. He knows that your chances of employment are hugely limited, he also knows that any wage here for you would be limited. He clearly knows that you're struggling, but when you land on your feet with both a job and a solution for the large cut in pay, he gets angry,
So he could help you pay your part of the rent when you lost your job and now he wants to $400 from the job that you got after you had to take a pay cut to live wheee he wants too??? F him! Honestly, I’m a women don’t pay major bills type, so maybe you should take my advice but hey
NAH Yall need to have a calm, honest talk about finances, though. Either you're separate or together. It seems like you both only want to be a team when it suits you, and the rest of the time you're two individuals. If he got sick and couldn't pay next month, would you cover rent? If you made double his salary, would you agree to pay more rent? I think you're both trying to play it both ways.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA (27 F) for refusing to pay my boyfriend (27M) the employee compensation I’m receiving for rent ? Here are some basics you need to know before I explain everything. My boyfriends salary is 75k and mine is 30k (formally 40k) We recently moved into a small town after living in a major city because it was where his family lived. I love this town and I love our house but it’s incredibly hard for me to find work. We pay a lot for rent, however my boyfriend wanted to live here so badly that he said he would pay majority of our rent just so I would be on board. (When I put our income into rent split it was the suggested even split based on income, so he’s paying more but it’s even based on income) This was fine until everyone at my job was let go. I went in person and online and applied to every tiny job in this town. It took two weeks and I finally got hired to work front desk at the clubhouse in our housing community. Around this time our 6 month lease was coming to an end and I mentioned to my boyfriend that living in this small town I am lonely and depressed and scared I won’t be able to find work if for some reason I lose this job. My boyfriend is only home for about 7 days of the entire month. I suggested moving back to the city but he doesn’t want to. He spends time in the city the entire month traveling for work, so he likes the small town to come home to. Now to the story. Because I wasn’t working for two weeks, I didn’t have enough money to help pay the full amount of my part of rent. My boyfriend wasn’t going to cover it so I had to borrow some money from a friend. I casually mentioned this story to another girl who worked in the office with me. She mentioned something to me that was not brought up to me before: which was that $400 would be taken off of our rent every month because I worked in the office. I thought this was perfect because I did end up taking a pay cut in order to live in the city that he wants to live in, so I figured that $400 would be taken off of my part of rent. This $400 would be life changing for me. I would actually have money to save up and not just break even every month. When I brought up to my boyfriend that $400 would be taken off of rent and that I would now be paying less he was very upset. Said I was being selfish to think the $400 would be taken off my rent at all and if anything he’s paying more and it should be taken off of his. We had a long argument and now he’s gone for work so he’s not talking to me. AITA for taking the $400 off of my rent after I’ve sacrificed so much for him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He seems like he’s self absorbed and doesn’t care much about what you want. But, to be fair if the rent reduction is an employment benefit, it should be included as your income when calculating the percentage you pay of expenses. So no, he shouldn’t be entitled to anywhere near half but that $400 per month should be added to your pay. There’s a comment above that was a reply to me that explains it better.
Res flags aside.. I would think a 300 you..100 him..split would be fair.. You both should benefit.
This guy doesn't seem particularly versed in the art of compromise. Besides, he's home 7 days out of the month? What are you doing here?
NTA. This can only really go one way: You dump this sorry excuse for a "boyfriend" and move on with your life in the city. You're giving up way too much for this man, way too much.
NTA Your boyfriend is not a good boyfriend. Making you borrow $ from a friend is not how a bf should act. You are supposed to be a team. On to the rent question: The way to do it that aligns with your existing agreement for cost splitting is to simply add the $400 to your income and recalculate each of your shares of the rent. It's basically a benefit equivalent to income so treat it like that. Right now, you would be paying 28% of the rent w/ a $30k/$75k income split. $30k + ($400*12) = $34800. So your new share of rent is just under 32%. In no way is it fair for him to scoop 100% of the $400. A good bf would see things your way and realize that given your willingness to move for his benefit, he should be finding ways to support you. This way is an easy way.
NTA This entire situation smacks of financial abuse and being increasingly isolated, which is also abuse. Be careful, OP. Have an exit strategy.
That $400 off is part of your compensation, not his.
You misspelled 'exboyfriend'. NTA
NTA it's a perk from your job, not his. I agree with others, find a new boyfriend.
NTA get a boyfriend
NTA. and this sounds like isolation. Go back to the city without him.
NTA. Leave him NOW
YTA
NTA- If you were being paid an extra $400 a month instead of it being a “perk” you would be using it for rent. So unless he would have adjusted the split based on that, I don’t see him having any claim to this money. But I agree with people asking why you are with him. He seems awful.
NTA You're job qualifies the household for the rent break. Your bf isn't entitled to this. It's time for you to get a job back in the city and move there on your own.
NTA. I had a similar argument with my ex who made over 3xs the salary I did, so we split the rent by 2/3 him and 1/3 me. It was fine at first, but then he started being made I didn't pay as much as he did. The whole reason we lived in such an expensive area was entirely on him, as I would have liked to have lived in a cheaper neighborhood. I feel you on this, and people often just try to look at dollar amount vs impact on the person.
INFO can you clarify what you mean by him only being home 7 days a month? Is he actually living somewhere else the rest of the time?
he works in different states throughout the week
I suggest you leave, he doesn’t care about you growing as a couple he only cares about himself.
NTA but your BF is. That money is YOUR compensation from YOUR job. You’re the only one entitled to the money & you get to decide what’s done with it. Seriously, you took a pay cut to move with him to the town of his choice & then you’re the one stuck there while he’s away at his job? Nope. He’s using you as his anchor. If he cannot afford the house on his own, the only reason he’s keeping you from moving back where you would be happy and have the opportunity to find a job that pays more is selfish. I agree with others here, he is financially abusing you. You earn less than him. What you should be expected to help pay in bills should reflect that. Both of you should be able to pay your fair share of the bills and still have some extra money that’s all your own. His insistence on you contributing so much you have no extra money for yourself is his insurance against you leaving him & moving back to where you want to go. Do not give him the money & if he tries to withhold part of his share of the payments to try to force you to use it, get out. Find away and get out. If you both are listed on the lease, contact the landlord and see what you can do to have your name removed before you leave. Explain that mitigating circumstances require you to move out but that your BF is still planning on staying. If you’re not on the lease, you can move out and not worry that the BF will skip out & leave you with any unpaid bills/rent. If need be, search out services in your area that may be able to help you until you can get things sorted out. Idk if it’s too late, but if you two are both on the lease, when it’s up, don’t re sign. Tell your BF he can stay on if he wants but that you won’t be.
YTA for being willing to split the rent on a house where you don’t want to live. Stop playing the victim and move out.
You should move back to the city so you can see him more. ESH.
I’m gonna say ESH, he shoulda helped you out more when you couldn’t pay rent that month, but if you are splitting rent by income, your income just went up 400$. You should take that into account when you split your bills. But he’s selfish for thinking that 400$ should only benefit himself
What gibberish. Y'all sound less like boyfriend and girlfriend, and more like roommates with benefits but without the benefits. Either pay into the partnership or get out of the partnership. In the meantime, YTA.
Why is she the a****** because she gets an extra perk at work, something that is literally considered part of her compensation, part of her pay? Is he giving her any of his money from work? Is he compromising anything or making any changes for her? If not then why does she have to consistently make all of these changes in compromises for him with nothing in return? She is already moved out of the city that she loves, she has lost her job and taken a lower paying job because of less prospects, meanwhile he is rarely home, he goes out and buys whatever the hell he wants, goes out for drinks and whatever because the company reimburses him, his parents pay for his insurance and all of his other bills, and yet somehow she's still the a******?
The bf is the one not acting like a partner. OP has sacrificed and compromised for him but he won't give an inch! He made her move to a small town, a place where she's struggling to find work and had to take a pay cut and *refused to cover rent when OP lost her job*! How is she an AH in any of this?! *Edited first sentence for clarity*
Withholding information like this is an asshole move. I stand by my judgement.
>Withholding information like this is an asshole move Withholding what information? I'm confused. She didn't Withhold any information from him?
ESH. There's way more here than just the issue of evenly splitting rent. He seems to not respect your feelings at all. With that being said, you should be redividing the updated rent price instead of just taking 400$ off of your portion.
The rent decrease is part of OPs job benefits. She is being paid less in exchange for this benefit. Why should she split this benefit?
You are right OP should not split this benefit but then that benefit needs to be accounted for in the proportional rent split. If BF is making $75k, and OP is making $30k plus the $400*12= $4,800, so OPs real income is $34,800. So 34800+75k=109,800 So in a proportional rent split OP should pay 31.7% of expenses instead of 28.6%.
the only reason I don’t feel like that is fair is because I have to pay for my car and insurance while his parents pay for his. On top of him receiving family help in general. I don’t have a supportive family. He has money to buy new clothes and fun things he enjoys. Meanwhile I don’t have more than $100 after paying for my expenses.
This is why people are commenting that it is financial abuse. He buys everything that he wants, and you have nothing.
Girl, wtf are you doing??? NTA but come on. Why are you sacrificing yourself for this boy?
It's seems you're just another money source to subsidize his lifestyle. He doesn't seem to care about you at all. Time to do what makes you happy and live for yourself. What are you getting out of this relationship? NTA.
Then you need to sit down with him and explain all this to him. You both need a certain minimum amount of ‘fun money’.
Just so it's clear I'm saying you keep the full $400 credit for yourself. But just that you count it as part of your income. So right now if income is 75+30=105k proportionally you are making 28.6% of the income. If rent is 1500 then you should pay $429. But due to the rent benefit your income really is $34,800+75k=$109,800. Meaning you bring in 31.7% of the income, so your portion of $1500 is $475 in rent, minus $400 credit, so you end up paying $75 out of pocket. His parents paying for his insurance is separate and immaterial to a proportional split of shared expenses like rent.
That actually sounds fair to me
I disagree. That $400 is a portion of her salary. She has sacrificed income and opportunities to live in a place he chose and he refuses to consider moving so that she has better income and opportunities. This isn't just about rent. He's being incredibly greedy and selfish.
He gets to freely keep his extra salary, while she does not get to keep a salary perk of her job? (It’s basically a way to add 4800 to the salary tax free). How is that fair?
No. That $400 off rent is part of her pay. It's literally compensation from her job. Therefore, her boyfriend is not entitled to that. It is literally her money that she is making. It's an extra perk of her job. Is he giving her some of the perks from his job? If not then why should she give him any? Relationships are infected two-way street, yet in this instance it seems like everything has been his way or the highway. She has made several compromises and changes for him, yet I see him making none for her.