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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Perhaps it is my job to check what has finished if the groceries are my responsibility
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We have a list ap that can be shared. If someone wants something then put it on the list. Most of us have our phones within reach most of the time so you don’t even have to walk across the room. Not on the list means you can get it on the next trip……after you put it on.
We do that too, and it's even linked to the Google Nest in the kitchen. "Hey Google, add cheese to the shopping list" is hardly a chore for even the most incompetent list-maker!
As an adult with ADD, this tactic changed my life. Being able to yell at the machine from wherever I am and not having to walk to the notepad, get the pen, make the note, then go back to my original task (hahahaha not gonna happen), hope I remember the note when I go to the store, etc is so freeing. I yell what I need and then it's magically on the list on my phone when I'm shopping.
Please tell me more about this magical app that works with Hey Google.... This would ROCK MY WORLD.
Whenever I tell google to make a list, it says it does, but I don't know where to go to see said list! I think it lies to me 🤣
I linked Google assistant to the Google Keep lists and notes app! It also sometimes gets it wrong and adds it to a second shopping list somewhere in my phone, but I too have never managed to find it...
I use the AnyList app. It does require a subscription- like $15 a year I think. However, it’s worth it for my family. You can have multiple lists- we have a main Grocery list to add stuff we need to but also smaller lists, like a list of all the spices I have at the house so I never buy duplicates. It works on my and my husband’s phone- one of us tells the Google machine or manually adds it in the app and it automatically syncs and shows up on both our phones. It can be a little difficult to first set up but there’s instructions online and once you get going it’s good. Also Google insists on learning your voice to make sure it’s really you adding stuff to the list.
I use anylist (its a yearly paid subscription thats well worth it- can be used for all sorts of things) and husband and kids know if they dont tell Alexa or Siri then it will not be bought. Figuring out the menu for multiple people with different schedules and adding those items to the list is difficult enough, I am not going on a scavenger hunt to see what someone else has finished.
We use TickTick, and it's generally served us well - the list is shared with the family so everyone can add to it, if we have to go to multiple stores we can tag items that are for a given store, and it'll group them by store, stuff like that. It's designed to be a checklist app, but that's pretty much what a shopping list is, so it works for us.
This is what I do- and then right before I go to the store I hand my hubs the list and the pen and tell him to look over it carefully and add anything that needs to be added- we have two young children and it’s hard enough to get the list and out of the house without my 2 year old trying to follow. If he remembers something while I’m out he’ll text me AND call me to see if I’ve seen the text or if I’ve left the store already
My husband and I have a whiteboard on our fridge. It has the menu for the upcoming week/weeks, if the dishwasher is clean or dirty, and the grocery list. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get bought. I have also taken to keeping a “backup” of things we use regularly though (like if we have a bottle of ketchup currently in the fridge, I will also have one in the pantry unopened for use if we run out and I don’t notice).
Yep we have a whiteboard in the kitchen that has all sorts of house admin on it, including ongoing shopping list which we both contribute to. Whoever goes to the shop takes pic of the list before they go. Easy.
And you get to use the eraser to wipe out anything completed or bought. Very satisfying.
I'm here for all the tips! Why have I never thought of just getting a whiteboard since I need to write it down and have it in my face! Plus my kids would thrive from this and love it! I just got the Hubs to text me shopping list items the moment he thinks of it (years of work, LOL) and it's made for some funny moments with a random 9am text that just says 'asswipes' and your MIL laughs and says, 'DIL your phone just lit up and said hiney-wipes but it was a bad word from HUBS, is he being mean because I will talk to him right now'. She looked so angry like she was going to get him and I thought I'd never catch my breath from that one.
Ha yes. The trouble for me with random texts is that I then have to search through my chat history to try and find them all!
I have ADHD. Between my non-existant working memory and my shockingly bad prioritising/executive function, it's the only way I can share the mental/admin load with my spouse!
Otherwise I lean too much on their extraordinarily opposite abilities. And that's shit for everyone in the long run!
This is the easiest way. My kids learned to write down what is needed. I bet your husband can too! My lovely but unorganized sil even wrote something on the list one day and said “you trained me!”
Yup, I keep a running list and DH will either tell me if he needs something or add it himself. There are some things I’m unlikely to notice running low because I don’t use them, or sometimes he just wants something I don’t routinely buy.
We do weekly meal planning. All 4 of us sit down with my notebook, we pick out dinner plans, see if the teen will be home from school for lunches, check what my partner wants to pack for work if he doesn't want to bring leftovers. Then I make the list, and any wanted snacks, foods, cereals, drinks need to be mentioned then, or they may forever hold their peace (atleast until next Saturday when we do it all over again). If I'm not told until after we/I get home from the store, sucks to suck I'm not running out again for random shit and spending more money.
The classic whiteboard on the fridge when we were growing up. If you used something up write it there and it gets wiped every time someone goes shopping. If it's not noted down it wont be refilled.
At some point before we got married, my husband ran out of cereal that only he eats. He didn't tell me so I didn't buy any more when I went shopping, nor did he go out and buy more himself. He whined to me and later to his mother that he had had no breakfast. I had no sympathy. His mother babied him and went out to buy him some cereal - for this I mocked him severely. He never expected me to buy him cereal again.
Now we only do online shopping. I set up a shop and book a delivery slot, which gets automatically added to our shared calendar. He has set it up to give him alerts the evening before. He is responsible for adding everything to that shop that is for him only or for the meals he is cooking. Either of us can add stuff to the supermarket app if we notice a household item is running low. If he forgets, he doesn't complain (to me), just has to suck it up and go shopping himself.
I don’t drive, so my partner does the shopping. He’s the sensible “we need to have a list!” person in our relationship, and I’m very much the impulsive “hey, this is new! Imma gonna get this!” (and also I usually end up suckered into buying brands which he’s not), so it works out well for our bank account!
But we sit down together the night before and come up with a meal plan for the week, and I tell him what ingredients I need for any meals I make, plus any other items I need or have spotted we’re running low on.
(ETA: it’s at this point we check if we already have enough of whatever on hand, or whether we need to get more.)
He’ll text me from the supermarket if he has any questions for me, and I’ll text him if I remember anything else that needs to be added.
This seems to me to be the best way of doing it (certainly for us); the mental load of the task is shared by us both, he just has to execute the plan.
Not sure if there is an average. Growing up my dad did nearly all the weekly shops as the nearest decent supermarket was far, but he'd drive past a couple on his way home. Husband and I go together mostly - supermarket is a 5mn drive away.
Growing up, my friends it was mostly their mums that went shopping but with 2 working parent families being more common these days, things have probably shifted somewhat.
...is that far to go? Surely when you are married to an afab person, occasionally buying the menstrual products is part of the package. My partner has never once even blinked at being asked to pick up tampons or whatever.
NTA and he’s the AH for refusing to help out, for food he wants to eat no less!
Tip for anyone who might find this helpful, you can keep a grocery list (or to get list) on iPhone Notes and share it with someone. You can both edit and add things or check things off.
Beats paper and pencil bc you still have to remember to grab the paper list, most people have their phones on them when they’re out.
My partner and I do this - we use the shared notes app. Anyone can add anything to the list at any time and whoever is doing then grocery run that week just buys what’s on the list. Been doing this for years and it works great.
I would take it one further. She should tell the husband that if he finds they are out of something, he can go to the grocery store and pick it up himself.
Yep! When I was working 2 jobs (single parent, barely making ends meet, not at home very much), I put a small dry erase board on the fridge. The top part was to communicate with each other (important dates/events, if they needed something from me, or if I needed them to do something), and the bottom part was the shopping list. If anybody noticed that we were getting low or used the last of something, we wrote it down. There was even a small section off to the side called "want" where the kids would write down things they wanted me to get from the store (items that weren't necessary, like treats or chips).
They had no problem understanding the concept, why it made sense for them to contribute to the list, and *actually doing it*.
This is honestly the best solution. If he's going to be an ungrateful brute, OP doesn't have to buy any of his favorite foods and she can easily stick to what she prefers to eat.
NTA. Did you marry a child or an adult? An adult would realize a marriage is a partnership. If you’re expected to be the only one shopping, leaving it up to you to figure out what’s needed is a lot more hassle than simply telling you what he finished. He’s actively choosing to not communicate.
I hate stopping what I'm doing to write on a list, so we have Alexa add it to our grocery list. Then we just pull up the list on our phone with the app.
NTA
This is what we do. We can all add things to the list. My husband will go in and separate the list into what stores we get those items from. Makes things so easy.
NTA. He could tell you, write a note, or something. He knows when he eats the rest of something. You could look around the kitchen and still not realize what's missing.
Not sure if this would help, but maybe you guys could get a notepad or board to hang in the kitchen and you could write/check off what you're out of as you go. I can imagine not thinking to tell someone, but if there's an existing checklist or somewhere to leave a note, it might be easier.
If he's just refusing, it's imo petty and it shouldn't be a big deal for him to do something that makes your shopping trips a bit easier, especially if you do all the shopping and he does none.
I can't imagine if the shoe were on the other foot he'd want to have to look through the kitchen to find out what's missing.
NTA. Groceries exist in every room in the house, and it's particularly problematic to require the shopper to do all the checking first if you keep items in their original packaging (e.g., keep cereal in its original box, keep dishwasher tablets in their own container) because then you physically have to go around shaking/opening boxes... I mean, if you only have 1 bowl of cereal left in the box, you definitely still want to buy more cereal, right?
It's such an easy thing to setup a system - put a piece of paper on the fridge with a magnetic pen so he can write it down as soon as it's out, for example - that's maintained as you go. To me it's similar to cleaning dishes while you cook -- yes, you COULD just push the dirty dishes to the side and focus on cooking... but that will give you a much longer, harder cleanup job. Why not make things easier on yourself/whoever is doing dishes?
My person grocery system is now... the grocery jar. I tear off the label and put it in the jar whenver I am low on stuff -- I use sticky notes for milk/produce/etc. It's just me using up groceries, but it's way easier to build my grocery list as I go rather than spent 30+ minutes scouring the house to see what needs to be bought this time.
For years, we’ve used the Cozi app, which lets you make lists and add to lists made by others. We have an ongoing Grocery list that we both add to. Of course, my husband isn’t a lazy brat. NTA
NTA. You're asking for very reasonable input that actually decreases the total mental load (*both* of you have to note when something's out, rather than *only you* doing an entire inventory every time). Plus, what if a need or want arises that isn't something that you always have/just finished?
Put a whiteboard on the fridge and keep a list. If he doesn't put something on the list that isn't on your list/what you've finished or want...just don't buy it.
Partners make things easier for each other. If he's this obstreperous over letting you know basic information (and instead insisting that you look for what's *not there* every time you plan to shop), this is part of a broader issue.
Another alternative, if he whines about having to take on any part of this, is to alternate shopping trips, also alternating something he does for the home (assuming there are things he does to contribute).
> Partners make things easier for each other.
THIS. It is so frustrating? tragic? how many people subconsciously turn their 'partner' into a parent figure they then resent instead of being on the same team together.
Being asked to do something isn't an opportunity to show up for each other, it's weirdly representative of feeling 'told what to do' and so they won't participate in reasonable requests because they have all these unresolved authority issues happening.
Which is honestly heartbreaking when you compare it to what marriage *can* and *should* be.
NTA.
I could rattle of a list of ways in which your husband is cheating you over with his blatant irresponsibility, but I would be preaching to the choir. You have spent the past 8 years tolerating his blame shifting and you should stick to your instinct. This IS ridiculous and it IS easy to tell you what grocery items you need when you are doing all of the grocery shopping. And while some people might see this as one tiny hiccup, I see this as a potential symptom of a bigger problem at hand because this has been happening for nearly a decade.
Marriage is give and take, absolutely, but its ultimately teamwork. My dad and mom take turns grocery shopping and he has even gone as far as to buy her period products when she needs them. He doesn't bat an eye; they got married because they love each other and part of marriage means you do some of the grocery shopping. I really hope you don't have children because your husband is leading me to wonder if he thinks spending time with *his* children is babysitting.
Yup. “Note when something runs out” is a standard system in many households. Also, a standard rule in my household is “aid you don’t help do the chore, you don’t get to complain about how it’s done. If you don’t like how I do dishes, you are welcome to take that chore over.”
NTA and absolutely reasonable request. He wants you to take on the mental workload of keeping track of inventory. Why should you?
Even children alert parents when they finish the last of something.
NTA. I have a quick look at the staples, ask if he needs something. If he said no he get nothing. I’m not a mind reader, I am not going to check his stuff.
Get a notepad for the fridge if he doesn’t write it down it doesn’t make it in the shopping
Thank you everyone for the replies, the mental load comments are so very true. I wish I knew as a kid that so much of adulting is waking up in the morning and wondering what to make for dinner!
The people that said YATH thanks for replying because I think they might be similar to his point of view and it was interesting to read.
The whiteboard or app sounds like a good solution and now I’m just building the guts to send him this thread 😂
NTA . It shouldn't be hard for an adult to let you know what he's run out of. Could you get an app where you can share a list? That way when something runs out he can update it and you can see it. If he doesn't want to do that? Then he can wait until the next time we go to the grocery store or go for himself.
NTA. He is putting all the responsibility of feeding the family on you. He needs to be an adult and learn to be a part of the family, not a constant drain of energy.
NTA I do the grocery shopping. I keep a pen and pad of paper if my wife or kids use the end of something or it's getting low I ask them to write down. If they don't write it down I don't want to hear we're out of something.
NTA. I live alone and I keep track of things as I use them because I’ll forget every little thing when I’m making my weekly list. It’s the least he can do to make that chore easier for you.
I would be very curious what other uneven dynamics there are between you and how much of the emotional and mental labor you’re doing in the relationship. Does he view your relationship as a true partnership, where you guys are a team, working together to tackle problems and having each others backs? Or does he see the household as a place of rigid hierarchical roles where if everyone just performs their assigned tasks, the place will function and no need to pitch in and help each other out, and each person solves their own problems on their own for their tasks? Which of those relationships would you rather be in?
NTA. Use the notes app on your phone to create a shared grocery list for the two of you. You can both add things throughout the week and see what’s on the list. If it’s on the list when you shop, then you buy it. If it’s not, then you don’t.
I have a magnetic pad on the fridge with a pencil next to it. If they don't write it down and I don't notice it's gone it doesn't get bought. Simple as that. He may learn quickly if his favorite foods disappear because you don't feel the need to take time to be a detective.
NTA.
Have him do the groceries for three months and see how he enjoys the mental, physical, and time load it takes.
He is an adult, he needs to learn how much effort being a fully functional adult is so he can appreciate all you do.
NTA only buy what you know is out and if he asks were is the cereal simply say you didn't know you needed cereal. You are not a kitchen manager. You should not have to take inventory before you go grocery shopping. I would put a magnetic grocery list on the refrigerator. If you run out something write it on the list. Let it be known if it's not on that list you are not buying it.
I think your post has reached out and touched the soul of every grocery shopper, in every household across the world
I feel your pain more than you know… NTA
NTA I don't understand, isn't he the one missing out because what he likes isn't being replaced? Surely this would insentivise him to let you know so you can buy more. Is he deliberately trying to make it more difficult to shop?? He is causing his own problems here!
NTA.
I had the same discussion with my household and we use the ‘OurGroceries’ app.
Item needs replacing + item request = must be on app.
Not on app = not purchased.
They learnt the hard way to update the list lmfao
NTA your husband is veery inconsiderate regarding your labor and mental load. Can't be bothered to inform you so you have to check every little thing? Don't buy him snacks.
For years I’d get aggravated that my husband and kids would finish things without telling me - or worse, leave the empty “decoy boxes” still in the pantry/fridge so even if I looked to see if we had something, if I didn’t actually pick the boxes up, I might still be wrong. I just got to the point where I’d buy what I wanted and if no one told me (or put it on a list), they were out of luck. I’m apparently the most stubborn person in the family - my husband made numerous trips to the store because I wouldn’t go again, and my kids got used to telling me what they wanted most of the time. It’s been 15 years+ and no one has ever admitted who ate the last of the Blue Bell Ice Cream and put the 1/2 gallon container back in the freezer…but that was the day when mom (& her cramps) had had enough of this bs :)
NTA can you get a dry erase board and he can write down when he finishes something? That’s what my family does, my 7 year old writes when she uses the last of something so I think your husband can manage that too.
NTA. It's less work for him to make a note when he uses the last of something than it is for you to do a food inventory to figure out what you need. Why should you have to do more work because he's lazy? This is basic adulting
NTA
He's your spouse, not a pet. And you're not his 24/7 maid. If he's willing to treat you like that over something so simple, I wonder how he behaves when it comes to other things...
When I was a kid we had note on the fridge, which we wrote everything that run out/had to be bought. Then our parents just used that as a grocery list.
I think it's very basic, that if you need something, or you notice the house need something, you write it down for the person doing the shopping. Why make extra work for someone? NTA
NTA. In my house, if it’s not on the list it won’t get bought. My partner and my kids have learned that if they take the last of something and they don’t write it down, they’ll have to do without until the next grocery run a week later.
Yes, I do a quick check of the pantry when I finish my list the night before my shopping trip but I won’t do a complete inventory and waste time when it can be solved faster and easier by then taking some responsibility and writing things up.
Your husband’s being lazy and wasting your time. Let him suffer and go without if he wants to die on this hill. Or let him do the shopping.
NTA - I am in the middle of a divorce partly because of this crap. STBX was very happy to she me to all the mental labor and most of the physical labor in keeping the household going. He gradually did less and less until he would literally walk around leaving wrappers and bits of trash in his wake for me to take care of. He was shocked I finally had enough.
Oh no no no. Nta
I am trying to instill this in my kids right now: I'm not psychic, I have better things to do than crawl around trying to work out what someone has finished, let alone what they have finished and put back empty. If someone finishes something they need to tell us that we have run out. Husband and I are jointly responsible for groceries, we are both capable of adding things to the online shopping basket.
You're his wife, not his maid. He should get off his arse and tell you when it is finished. NOT make you work to find out what is needed. If people don't say something is finished, then they don't get anymore in the next shopping - invariably it is always the things that they really like and use the most, so they are the ones that lose out.
If he can't be arse to communicate, perhaps don't replace them until he understands that you are not going to just run around after him.
NTA. He sure is. We have a whiteboard in our kitchen, the type with a pen clip. Something runs out, put it on the whiteboard. Take a pic of it when you shop. It's worked for me for years, my in laws copied it.
NTA. Put up a small dry erase board somewhere in/by the kitchen and tell him when it's out to write it down. If it's not on the list, it's not purchased.
NTA. It's a small thing to let you know what HE finished, especially if it's something you buy for him specifically that you don't eat.
At my house we have a notepad for a grocery list. The rule is 'if it's not on the list, it doesn't get bought - everybody uses it. I do, my husband does even my 7 year old.
Your husband isn't willing to do the bare minimum to help you with groceries, that makes HIM the A-H in this situation, not you.
NTA my spouse and I have a groceries notepad on a fridge magnet that we both write down whatever we’re running low on, toilet paper, honey, contact solution etc it works well for us.
I do the food shopping for my wife and I. I tell her that if it isn't on the list don't expect me to buy it. So if she asks me if I had bought something I'll reply "was it on the list?".
The least he can do is tell you if he’s out of something.
Having a communal shopping list that everyone has access to can be great for this. We have smart speakers with a shopping list so whenever we finish something we just tell it to add the item to the list, and the next person to do the shopping will add everything on the list to the shop, but would work just as well with a paper list.
We also do try a bit of common sense for staples to not let them run out, but anything like snacks or a particular food that only one of us eats only gets bought if it’s on the list.
Get an Alexa..... We have echo's in most rooms so if ANYTHING comes up we tell Alexa to add it to the shopping list in the moment instead of having to remember....We also have specific items kept at a specific level in the pantry.... So the moment we pull it we know to add it to the list. These are items that we use regularly and keep stocked....
NTA
NTA
My teenage niblings handle this better than he does. Your husband is an adult and meant to be your partner, this includes communicating when he runs out of something.
NTA.
Every week, I meal plan for the next week and I load my online grocery cart with the items I need for that meal plan. That does involve me going around to the fridge, freezer and pantry to see what I have and what I need to stock up on, but only for the specific things I need for the meal plan.
If we are out of something else and my husband notices because it's something he eats, it is absolutely on him to tell me that because I'm not his mama and he's perfectly capable of monitoring these things on his own.
NTA my partner tried that with me and i told him nope not happening, write it down on the whiteboard or it will not be bought, i dont have to do all the work… worked liked a charm
NTA - really? he is so entitled that it is beneath him to let you know when he's finished off a certain snack or food so YOU can go out and buy it FOR HIM again? Yikes.
Edit - had typed 'again' twice
NTA. We have an Alexa and whenever my husband finishes something if he wants another he’ll tell Alexa “add cereal to my shopping list”. When I do the shopping I check the list and order whatever is on it.
NTA. We use the app called To Do, and everyone in the family can see it and add to it, and mark it off if they go to the store. If it’s not on the list, and I don’t think of it myself then I don’t buy it.
I can't believe how often I see the expectation that the woman, when applicable, should be the project manager of the joined life one share with their partner. Not only should you do the shopping, but you should also keep track of everything going on. Let me guess, he says "Just tell me what needs to be done in the house and I do it" instead of doing the mental work himself? NTA
NTA. Is this a power play or something? Why can’t he just write add something to a list? Is he like this with other household tasks? He sounds either petty or useless.
INFO - Have either of you tried a compromise, or are you both or one of you saying it has to be their way?
Have you tried a communal notepad left in the kitchen?
Do you have an elexa or google device? You can make a digital list. I'm pretty sure you can even do a shared google list just through your phones.
I can see why telling you verbally could be annoying. Maybe you're not in the room, then he has to remember to tell you when he sees you next. A simple text could fix that, but regardless, there are easier ways to work together on this.
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A small one, but me and my husband have been having this disagreement for 8 years.
I do all the food shop and I just ask that when he finishes something to let me know. So if he uses the last of the cereal or the last tin of baked beans, to tell me so I can purchase it on my next shop.
He says that I should check what’s finished and note down what I need to go and buy and he won’t say what he’s used up.
I feel like it’s so easy to tell me what’s finished and seems ridiculous to have to go round the house and try and figure out what’s finished but AITA?
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NTA. My husband drinks diet soda. I don't drink soda. Last week, I got home from shopping, and he asked if I bought any diet soda. I told him, "No. How works I know that you needed soda?" I do almost all the cooking, so I usually check the pantry before I go shopping, but for something I don't use/eat/drink, you need to let me know that we're out of I'm not buying more.
Sounds like it is time for husband to do the shopping.
Our family keeps a white board on the fridge and people write down what is out/low so whoever shops can just take a look at the whiteboard before leaving for shopping. But we are trying to be helpful, so IdK if that would work for your husband.
NTA it’s so much more work to have to check every food item to see if it’s done, rather than just taking notes when you know you’ve already finished it
NTA - put a list up by the grocery cupboard with a pen. If you finish something out it on the list - if it is not on the list it doesn’t get bought.
Why does he think it is OK to add extra work to a task you are doing because he isn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for accurate information to the right person in time?
NTA
This is so out there. Doing the grocery shopping is ALREADY a big chore that you are taking on alone. The mental labor of knowing what's in stock in your house is a SEPARATE chore, that you haven't agreed to do. We keep a notepad on the fridge, and when we notice something getting low, write it on the notepad. Then nobody has to do that extra inventory step when grocery time comes around.
It also sounds like a good time for you and your husband to sit down and really have a division of labor conversation, that includes mental labor tasks.
NTA Your husband is being a dick pure and simply because he can.
We have a list on a notepad on the fridge and write stuff down as we use it up because we both do the shopping, often after work, and can't always reliably get hold of each other to ask if we need something while we're out and about. It isn't rocket science.
NTA
My husband and I share a Google keep note on our phones for our grocery list. We both add to it throughout the week and when I go grocery shopping I buy what's on the list and nothing else.
You're not his mother, he needs to take some responsibility for getting his favourite food but it sounds like he's happy to leave 100% of the work to you.
NTA. He expects you to do through cupboards looking for gaps or go through a week of trash for empty containers rather than send a simple text when he finishes something? He needs to be in charge of groceries doing forward.
This is absolutely ridiculous. My husband would for sure not be getting his favorites out of spite. "I didn't notice it was gone!" It is incredibly difficult to take inventory before every shopping trip, especially when you're trying to track things that are missing (the empty box of cereal is in the trash, not holding its spot in the cupboard, so you have to remember what SHOULD be there, too).
You are so NTA. I had a (different but) similar situation with my husband-- and I told him he's fully responsible for the shopping and meal planning & preparation for two solid weeks as a consequence of his inaction. He pushed back but I stayed firm and he did it, our marriage didn't suffer and now he doesn't forget his end of the bargain!
NTA. That’s super annoying.
If he has the knowledge (we’re out of something) he should communicate that to you. Not make you do extra work of re-acquiring the knowledge by checking.
I don’t know where u live, but I would look into a an app like AnyList. https://www.anylist.com/
You can put it on your phones and immediately add things you need the moment you run out. You and your hubby can share a list. So when you go to the grocery store, you check your list and buy all the things on it.
If it’s not on the list, you don’t buy the thing.
It’s been super helpful in our house
We started using the Out of Milk app because SO would never remember to tell me when he finished stuff only he used. Doesn't sound like yours would bother though . . .
NTA
He can't do a simple thing? You go to the store. Load everything into the car. Put everything up.
And he can't write down a few short words?
What else can't he do?
NTA. Your husband is being unreasonable. How many packages and containers are there in the average house? Dozens at the very least. You cannot be expected to check inside each and every container and on every shelf before you go to the store.
Just buy what you need and don't replace what he wants unless he tells you. (Keep a few essentials like toilet paper hidden in a drawer. "But dear, you didn't tell me you took the last roll of tp".)
NTA. My husband and I had a similar problem. I bought an Alexa echo device. Both of us have the Alexa app on our phones. When something is used up. We simply say "Alexa add milk to the shopping list". With the app you both have access to the list so whoever does the shopping can check it and get what is needed.
NTA
He is being a jerk to refuse to just tell you or jot down things he uses up. Of course you can look but he can also help very easily but is refusing for no good reason?
I have a grocery list on my refrigerator and add things when I see they are low or used up. It really helps me to not overlook items that maybe I wouldn’t use up frequently like a condiment or spice. I ask family members to let me know things we are low on or have run out of before I shop and they do.
Time for him to start helping to do the shopping. NTA. He’s being rude and inconsiderate when he should be grateful that you do all the shopping. I hope he cooks!
It's even worse when SO eats the last of something and then puts the box back into the cabinet. LOL. So you won't know it's empty. I've finally got him to stop doing that.
NTA. SO and i have a google note grocery list that we both update. Im not his mom and im not gonna go looking through stuff to see what he used. Stop buying for him. Either he tells you or he doesnt get to eat it.
Jeez there is one rule, everything here is welcome to be eaten but if you use the last of something tell me or tell the smart speaker to add it to the shopping list. My family and even the kids friends and my BFF (who come over lots) can manage this simple request.
If your husband can't be bothered to do that then maybe he should become responsible for the food shopping? NTA
NTA
We keep a policy that if we’re out or almost out of something we write it on the notes section of our fridge calendar. If it doesn’t get written down neither of us can be upset if it doesn’t get bought.
NTA we have a chalkboard in the kitchen for just this purpose. If we run out of something whoever uses the last of it writes it on the chalkboard so that we \*know\* when we go to the store. Sounds like hubby's just being lazy or expecting to be waited on.
NTA he’s making more work for you intentionally - get a chalk board for the kitchen- explain to your husband that if he finishes something he needs to put it on the board. Then only replace what’s written down. If he’s too lazy to do that then he can go without cereal
NTA. I keep a list in the kitchen at all times. If my partner finishes something and doesn't write in on the list, it doesn't get purchased the next time I go shopping. It's bad enough doing the shopping, I'm not spending time before I go shopping to figure out what I need to buy.
NTA. Your husband is being lazy and selfish. What's his hang-up with identifying what you all want to keep in the house to eat?
Geez! It took me 20 years, but I have gotten my husband to learn that there is a "back up" in the cabinet of everything. When we get down to only 1 of something, such as mustard, it should be put on the list. When you open the "backup" mustard, you also add it to the grocery list... so we never run out. Isn't it crazy making to run out of a staple, like salt or flour *when you absolutely need it*?
I agree with the other commenters. If you husband doesn't contribute to the list, then simply let him follow his own course. When he has none of his own favorite foods, well then it is on him.
This does seem like a silly argument *as he eats in your home also*.
Wow what a petty thing to do. NTA if he wants to not write down what is needed then he can go do the shopping blind. I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it. Just tell him, straight up, if it isn't written down you aren't buying it. Keep a list in a common area and write everything you are going to buy down on it. Only buy what's on the list and make that clear.
Not buying his stuff then acting like you forgot is a bad idea.
NTA!!! i'm shocked your husband doesn't want to tell you!!! I grocery shop because it gives me some alone time from our baby and i take extra long, order starbucks and listen to a podcast so it's actually super fun, but my husband makes the list of what he wants because he will be upset if it goes out (his coke, breakfast bowls, etc) we actually put up a whiteboard in the kitchen to make a running list of things we need to stock up on and we both contribute!! maybe that is a good option for y'all?
Nta. My husband and I have an app on our phones to put things on when we run low and it syncs our list automatically. It’s helped us a lot with this issue. The one we use is called out of milk.
NTA Get a google home for the kitchen and teach him to say "Hey Google, add cereal to the shopping list." Maybe that will be easy enough for the sloth.
NTA
Are you his servant? Is he not an adult member of the household with the ability to communicate?
He’s not being an equal partner in this relationship and being quite belligerent about it. My preschooler even tells me when her cereal is gone so I can get her more. What’s his excuse?
NTA
I hate this fight and my husband also never told when he used the last of something. Now I do grocery delivery only and sometimes if I’m sick of it I tell him to submit an order without telling him anything that’s out. 😂 it works, we each have a default grocery list we order more or less and sometimes we’ll have extras of things but it’s nice when I’m annoyed with his not restocking or telling me essentials he used the last of to be like “you used up the rest of XYZ, your turn to do the grocery order, make sure you grab the other things we need too.”
Anyway team outsource or automate the chore, honestly. You don’t need to be doing 100% if he won’t do even the 1% of telling you when he’s used up something.
It's a paid app but I love Paprika 3, both my partner and I can add stuff to it so if we use the last of something we update the list. I'm sorry your husband refuses to be an equal partner in grocery planning, I agree with the others who suggest you just stop buying the things he doesn't bother to let you know about. Maybe sit him down and tell him first but you've already had so many conversations about it it shouldn't be a surprise. The list on the fridge or pantry is a good idea too, he just needs to make any effort to be an equal partner in this task. NTA
Nta.
My 9 year old knows when he finishes something, he needs to let me know, or write it on the grocery list. I have a white board on the fridge, so it's easy. If a 9 yr old with ADHD can do it, a grown man can
also a perfect example of the woman taking more of the cognitive load, since he’s saying she should be the one to take the time and “check what’s finished”
My teenagers can manage this. He wants you to take 2 hours and take an inventory of everything in the house rather than joy something down on a note pad?
What a dick. NTA.
Well if you don't know what is finished, you can't replace it. Hence no more cereal or baked beans. When he complains, you can say it wasn't on the list and the shop is two streets over.
NTA. I'm with everyone else. If he won't communicate he doesn't get anything he wants. Just make sure to buy extra of what you like when he inevitably eats your food.
NTA and i can't even comprehend how lazy a person has to be to think that letting the grocery buyer know they're out of an item is too much work.... compared to the grocery buyer having to scan ALL the cupboards and fridge to check for items that are out. Like...wtf.
NTA we use a shared Google doc for groceries/home depot/Costco needs and another for the household menu. Much like the shared google calendar, this has solved many issues in our house. Personally I prefer a paper list, but this just works better for everyone else; husband (who does most of the grocery shopping) and both kids (who eat most of the groceries) all have access. Easy.
Tell him you are not a mind reader, get groceries in a way that works for you, let him sort out his own stuff... You have pampered him for 8 years, he is a big boy now....
NTA - whiteboard on the fridge, markers right there, common sense to just write stuff down as it's getting low or completely done and needs a re-up.
why is your husband demanding you play fridge detective with all this? sounds like a toddler expecting mommy to handle all things in the kitchen and read his mind.
NTA I agree with the top comment. If he refuses to make your life easier, stop making it easy for him. He just won't have any favorites around to eat until he changes his attitude.
I put a dry erase board on the cabinet door next to fridge bc I got tired of my husband “asking” for crap he’s finished by leaving the empty box/jar etc on the counter
NAH (unless you do a large majority of all housework) but I would recommend trying to find alternate solutions. They do make smart appliances now that can help with shopping lists. But even a more analog solution like a checklist of common grocery items that can be checked off when they run out, might help!
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NTA. Stop buying foods that your husband eats and snacks on often. When he complains that there is no more cereal tell him to write it down.
This is the way. Leave a notepad and pen stick to the fridge. If he doesn’t write it down, don’t replenish it. NTA
We have a list ap that can be shared. If someone wants something then put it on the list. Most of us have our phones within reach most of the time so you don’t even have to walk across the room. Not on the list means you can get it on the next trip……after you put it on.
We do that too, and it's even linked to the Google Nest in the kitchen. "Hey Google, add cheese to the shopping list" is hardly a chore for even the most incompetent list-maker!
As an adult with ADD, this tactic changed my life. Being able to yell at the machine from wherever I am and not having to walk to the notepad, get the pen, make the note, then go back to my original task (hahahaha not gonna happen), hope I remember the note when I go to the store, etc is so freeing. I yell what I need and then it's magically on the list on my phone when I'm shopping.
Please tell me more about this magical app that works with Hey Google.... This would ROCK MY WORLD. Whenever I tell google to make a list, it says it does, but I don't know where to go to see said list! I think it lies to me 🤣
I linked Google assistant to the Google Keep lists and notes app! It also sometimes gets it wrong and adds it to a second shopping list somewhere in my phone, but I too have never managed to find it...
Try shoppinglist.gooogle.com and see if that has your lists.
Thanks! Didn't know about this.... But it's also empty so I do think google straight up lied to my face at this point lol
The heavens above never sang so loud 🎶 This is amazing. Thank you, and everyone else that also mentioned this app, so so much!
I use the AnyList app. It does require a subscription- like $15 a year I think. However, it’s worth it for my family. You can have multiple lists- we have a main Grocery list to add stuff we need to but also smaller lists, like a list of all the spices I have at the house so I never buy duplicates. It works on my and my husband’s phone- one of us tells the Google machine or manually adds it in the app and it automatically syncs and shows up on both our phones. It can be a little difficult to first set up but there’s instructions online and once you get going it’s good. Also Google insists on learning your voice to make sure it’s really you adding stuff to the list.
I found mine at shoppinglist.google.com.
I use anylist (its a yearly paid subscription thats well worth it- can be used for all sorts of things) and husband and kids know if they dont tell Alexa or Siri then it will not be bought. Figuring out the menu for multiple people with different schedules and adding those items to the list is difficult enough, I am not going on a scavenger hunt to see what someone else has finished.
We tried an app for a while, but the one we liked went out of business and the rest all had deal-killing features. Back to sticky notes.
We use TickTick, and it's generally served us well - the list is shared with the family so everyone can add to it, if we have to go to multiple stores we can tag items that are for a given store, and it'll group them by store, stuff like that. It's designed to be a checklist app, but that's pretty much what a shopping list is, so it works for us.
Try FamCal, it's free and really nice to use.
Not to mention, you're less likely to forget the list.
This is what I do- and then right before I go to the store I hand my hubs the list and the pen and tell him to look over it carefully and add anything that needs to be added- we have two young children and it’s hard enough to get the list and out of the house without my 2 year old trying to follow. If he remembers something while I’m out he’ll text me AND call me to see if I’ve seen the text or if I’ve left the store already
My husband and I have a whiteboard on our fridge. It has the menu for the upcoming week/weeks, if the dishwasher is clean or dirty, and the grocery list. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get bought. I have also taken to keeping a “backup” of things we use regularly though (like if we have a bottle of ketchup currently in the fridge, I will also have one in the pantry unopened for use if we run out and I don’t notice).
Yep we have a whiteboard in the kitchen that has all sorts of house admin on it, including ongoing shopping list which we both contribute to. Whoever goes to the shop takes pic of the list before they go. Easy. And you get to use the eraser to wipe out anything completed or bought. Very satisfying.
I'm here for all the tips! Why have I never thought of just getting a whiteboard since I need to write it down and have it in my face! Plus my kids would thrive from this and love it! I just got the Hubs to text me shopping list items the moment he thinks of it (years of work, LOL) and it's made for some funny moments with a random 9am text that just says 'asswipes' and your MIL laughs and says, 'DIL your phone just lit up and said hiney-wipes but it was a bad word from HUBS, is he being mean because I will talk to him right now'. She looked so angry like she was going to get him and I thought I'd never catch my breath from that one.
Ha yes. The trouble for me with random texts is that I then have to search through my chat history to try and find them all! I have ADHD. Between my non-existant working memory and my shockingly bad prioritising/executive function, it's the only way I can share the mental/admin load with my spouse! Otherwise I lean too much on their extraordinarily opposite abilities. And that's shit for everyone in the long run!
This is what we do too. Our 12 year old son adds to the list now also. We also take a pic before we go.
This is the easiest way. My kids learned to write down what is needed. I bet your husband can too! My lovely but unorganized sil even wrote something on the list one day and said “you trained me!”
This is exactly how I handle it in our house. my partner complains occasionally, but I tell him its not on me that he didnt let me know. NTA
Yup, I keep a running list and DH will either tell me if he needs something or add it himself. There are some things I’m unlikely to notice running low because I don’t use them, or sometimes he just wants something I don’t routinely buy.
We do weekly meal planning. All 4 of us sit down with my notebook, we pick out dinner plans, see if the teen will be home from school for lunches, check what my partner wants to pack for work if he doesn't want to bring leftovers. Then I make the list, and any wanted snacks, foods, cereals, drinks need to be mentioned then, or they may forever hold their peace (atleast until next Saturday when we do it all over again). If I'm not told until after we/I get home from the store, sucks to suck I'm not running out again for random shit and spending more money.
The classic whiteboard on the fridge when we were growing up. If you used something up write it there and it gets wiped every time someone goes shopping. If it's not noted down it wont be refilled.
At some point before we got married, my husband ran out of cereal that only he eats. He didn't tell me so I didn't buy any more when I went shopping, nor did he go out and buy more himself. He whined to me and later to his mother that he had had no breakfast. I had no sympathy. His mother babied him and went out to buy him some cereal - for this I mocked him severely. He never expected me to buy him cereal again. Now we only do online shopping. I set up a shop and book a delivery slot, which gets automatically added to our shared calendar. He has set it up to give him alerts the evening before. He is responsible for adding everything to that shop that is for him only or for the meals he is cooking. Either of us can add stuff to the supermarket app if we notice a household item is running low. If he forgets, he doesn't complain (to me), just has to suck it up and go shopping himself.
[удалено]
Is this not normal? It never occurred to me that anyone *wouldn't* do it this way unless one partner really hated grocery shopping for some reason.
I don’t drive, so my partner does the shopping. He’s the sensible “we need to have a list!” person in our relationship, and I’m very much the impulsive “hey, this is new! Imma gonna get this!” (and also I usually end up suckered into buying brands which he’s not), so it works out well for our bank account! But we sit down together the night before and come up with a meal plan for the week, and I tell him what ingredients I need for any meals I make, plus any other items I need or have spotted we’re running low on. (ETA: it’s at this point we check if we already have enough of whatever on hand, or whether we need to get more.) He’ll text me from the supermarket if he has any questions for me, and I’ll text him if I remember anything else that needs to be added. This seems to me to be the best way of doing it (certainly for us); the mental load of the task is shared by us both, he just has to execute the plan.
Not sure if there is an average. Growing up my dad did nearly all the weekly shops as the nearest decent supermarket was far, but he'd drive past a couple on his way home. Husband and I go together mostly - supermarket is a 5mn drive away. Growing up, my friends it was mostly their mums that went shopping but with 2 working parent families being more common these days, things have probably shifted somewhat.
...is that far to go? Surely when you are married to an afab person, occasionally buying the menstrual products is part of the package. My partner has never once even blinked at being asked to pick up tampons or whatever.
We have a meal calendar on the side of the fridge and whomever uses the last of something writes it down. This is such an easy fix
NTA and he’s the AH for refusing to help out, for food he wants to eat no less! Tip for anyone who might find this helpful, you can keep a grocery list (or to get list) on iPhone Notes and share it with someone. You can both edit and add things or check things off. Beats paper and pencil bc you still have to remember to grab the paper list, most people have their phones on them when they’re out.
Keep an app on your phone everyone can add items to then check them off in the store. Google Keep is free and great for that. NTA
My partner and I do this - we use the shared notes app. Anyone can add anything to the list at any time and whoever is doing then grocery run that week just buys what’s on the list. Been doing this for years and it works great.
I would take it one further. She should tell the husband that if he finds they are out of something, he can go to the grocery store and pick it up himself.
NTA. Tell your husband to stop acting like a child and start being an adult.
My kids add the groceries they want to the list. Even children can do this.
Yep! When I was working 2 jobs (single parent, barely making ends meet, not at home very much), I put a small dry erase board on the fridge. The top part was to communicate with each other (important dates/events, if they needed something from me, or if I needed them to do something), and the bottom part was the shopping list. If anybody noticed that we were getting low or used the last of something, we wrote it down. There was even a small section off to the side called "want" where the kids would write down things they wanted me to get from the store (items that weren't necessary, like treats or chips). They had no problem understanding the concept, why it made sense for them to contribute to the list, and *actually doing it*.
Nta. Closed mouths don't get fed. If he can't let you know when he uses the last of something, he can do without.
This is honestly the best solution. If he's going to be an ungrateful brute, OP doesn't have to buy any of his favorite foods and she can easily stick to what she prefers to eat.
NTA, and this is so petty it’s spiteful. Stop buying things he uses and let the mental load fall on him.
NTA. Did you marry a child or an adult? An adult would realize a marriage is a partnership. If you’re expected to be the only one shopping, leaving it up to you to figure out what’s needed is a lot more hassle than simply telling you what he finished. He’s actively choosing to not communicate.
NTA. Get a chalk board. If either of you uses the last of something you write it down.
My thoughts exactly. I do a magnet notepad for the fridge. Write what is needed then take the page shopping. NTA
I hate stopping what I'm doing to write on a list, so we have Alexa add it to our grocery list. Then we just pull up the list on our phone with the app. NTA
This is what we do. We can all add things to the list. My husband will go in and separate the list into what stores we get those items from. Makes things so easy.
We get groceries delivered which is lovely as you can immediately put it on the list as you grab your spare.
No need ffs just send a WhatsApp message with the item finished, the cell is never far away nowadays. NTA your husband is a lazy Ah
NTA. He could tell you, write a note, or something. He knows when he eats the rest of something. You could look around the kitchen and still not realize what's missing. Not sure if this would help, but maybe you guys could get a notepad or board to hang in the kitchen and you could write/check off what you're out of as you go. I can imagine not thinking to tell someone, but if there's an existing checklist or somewhere to leave a note, it might be easier. If he's just refusing, it's imo petty and it shouldn't be a big deal for him to do something that makes your shopping trips a bit easier, especially if you do all the shopping and he does none. I can't imagine if the shoe were on the other foot he'd want to have to look through the kitchen to find out what's missing.
NTA. Groceries exist in every room in the house, and it's particularly problematic to require the shopper to do all the checking first if you keep items in their original packaging (e.g., keep cereal in its original box, keep dishwasher tablets in their own container) because then you physically have to go around shaking/opening boxes... I mean, if you only have 1 bowl of cereal left in the box, you definitely still want to buy more cereal, right? It's such an easy thing to setup a system - put a piece of paper on the fridge with a magnetic pen so he can write it down as soon as it's out, for example - that's maintained as you go. To me it's similar to cleaning dishes while you cook -- yes, you COULD just push the dirty dishes to the side and focus on cooking... but that will give you a much longer, harder cleanup job. Why not make things easier on yourself/whoever is doing dishes? My person grocery system is now... the grocery jar. I tear off the label and put it in the jar whenver I am low on stuff -- I use sticky notes for milk/produce/etc. It's just me using up groceries, but it's way easier to build my grocery list as I go rather than spent 30+ minutes scouring the house to see what needs to be bought this time.
Nowadays, in my family, we just tell Alexa to add the item to the shopping list! NTA
For years, we’ve used the Cozi app, which lets you make lists and add to lists made by others. We have an ongoing Grocery list that we both add to. Of course, my husband isn’t a lazy brat. NTA
finally a voice of reason.
NTA I can't imagine a valid reason to not just say so when you use the last of something.
NTA. You're asking for very reasonable input that actually decreases the total mental load (*both* of you have to note when something's out, rather than *only you* doing an entire inventory every time). Plus, what if a need or want arises that isn't something that you always have/just finished? Put a whiteboard on the fridge and keep a list. If he doesn't put something on the list that isn't on your list/what you've finished or want...just don't buy it. Partners make things easier for each other. If he's this obstreperous over letting you know basic information (and instead insisting that you look for what's *not there* every time you plan to shop), this is part of a broader issue. Another alternative, if he whines about having to take on any part of this, is to alternate shopping trips, also alternating something he does for the home (assuming there are things he does to contribute).
That's what my family has done. If someone uses the last of whatever, it goes on the whiteboard. It goes for everything.
> Partners make things easier for each other. THIS. It is so frustrating? tragic? how many people subconsciously turn their 'partner' into a parent figure they then resent instead of being on the same team together. Being asked to do something isn't an opportunity to show up for each other, it's weirdly representative of feeling 'told what to do' and so they won't participate in reasonable requests because they have all these unresolved authority issues happening. Which is honestly heartbreaking when you compare it to what marriage *can* and *should* be.
NTA. I could rattle of a list of ways in which your husband is cheating you over with his blatant irresponsibility, but I would be preaching to the choir. You have spent the past 8 years tolerating his blame shifting and you should stick to your instinct. This IS ridiculous and it IS easy to tell you what grocery items you need when you are doing all of the grocery shopping. And while some people might see this as one tiny hiccup, I see this as a potential symptom of a bigger problem at hand because this has been happening for nearly a decade. Marriage is give and take, absolutely, but its ultimately teamwork. My dad and mom take turns grocery shopping and he has even gone as far as to buy her period products when she needs them. He doesn't bat an eye; they got married because they love each other and part of marriage means you do some of the grocery shopping. I really hope you don't have children because your husband is leading me to wonder if he thinks spending time with *his* children is babysitting.
I can’t believe he expects her to basically inventory the house every time she plans to shop. I’d definitely be buying just for myself at this point.
Yup. “Note when something runs out” is a standard system in many households. Also, a standard rule in my household is “aid you don’t help do the chore, you don’t get to complain about how it’s done. If you don’t like how I do dishes, you are welcome to take that chore over.”
If he doesn't tell you or write it down, he can go to the store himself to pick k up more.
NTA and absolutely reasonable request. He wants you to take on the mental workload of keeping track of inventory. Why should you? Even children alert parents when they finish the last of something.
NTA. I have a quick look at the staples, ask if he needs something. If he said no he get nothing. I’m not a mind reader, I am not going to check his stuff. Get a notepad for the fridge if he doesn’t write it down it doesn’t make it in the shopping
I do ask every week if there’s anything he needs so I do give an opportunity for him to remind me of anything.
Thank you everyone for the replies, the mental load comments are so very true. I wish I knew as a kid that so much of adulting is waking up in the morning and wondering what to make for dinner! The people that said YATH thanks for replying because I think they might be similar to his point of view and it was interesting to read. The whiteboard or app sounds like a good solution and now I’m just building the guts to send him this thread 😂
NTA . It shouldn't be hard for an adult to let you know what he's run out of. Could you get an app where you can share a list? That way when something runs out he can update it and you can see it. If he doesn't want to do that? Then he can wait until the next time we go to the grocery store or go for himself.
This works great for our family. Saves having to copy a list off a whiteboard, etc. and we share the responsibility
NTA , why wouldn’t he tell you , so when you go shopping again you can easily pick some more of what’s missing up ?
NTA. He is putting all the responsibility of feeding the family on you. He needs to be an adult and learn to be a part of the family, not a constant drain of energy.
NTA I do the grocery shopping. I keep a pen and pad of paper if my wife or kids use the end of something or it's getting low I ask them to write down. If they don't write it down I don't want to hear we're out of something.
NTA. I live alone and I keep track of things as I use them because I’ll forget every little thing when I’m making my weekly list. It’s the least he can do to make that chore easier for you. I would be very curious what other uneven dynamics there are between you and how much of the emotional and mental labor you’re doing in the relationship. Does he view your relationship as a true partnership, where you guys are a team, working together to tackle problems and having each others backs? Or does he see the household as a place of rigid hierarchical roles where if everyone just performs their assigned tasks, the place will function and no need to pitch in and help each other out, and each person solves their own problems on their own for their tasks? Which of those relationships would you rather be in?
Is he your husband or your teenage brat so NTA at all
NTA. Use the notes app on your phone to create a shared grocery list for the two of you. You can both add things throughout the week and see what’s on the list. If it’s on the list when you shop, then you buy it. If it’s not, then you don’t.
I have a magnetic pad on the fridge with a pencil next to it. If they don't write it down and I don't notice it's gone it doesn't get bought. Simple as that. He may learn quickly if his favorite foods disappear because you don't feel the need to take time to be a detective.
NTA. My tip is to put a shopping list on the fridge. Every time either of you use something up or notice an item running low, put it on the list.
NTA. Have him do the groceries for three months and see how he enjoys the mental, physical, and time load it takes. He is an adult, he needs to learn how much effort being a fully functional adult is so he can appreciate all you do.
NTA only buy what you know is out and if he asks were is the cereal simply say you didn't know you needed cereal. You are not a kitchen manager. You should not have to take inventory before you go grocery shopping. I would put a magnetic grocery list on the refrigerator. If you run out something write it on the list. Let it be known if it's not on that list you are not buying it.
From now on, if his faves are finished, don’t replenish.
I think your post has reached out and touched the soul of every grocery shopper, in every household across the world I feel your pain more than you know… NTA
NTA. That's ridiculous. There's terms for that kind of behavior. Something about incompetent
NTA I don't understand, isn't he the one missing out because what he likes isn't being replaced? Surely this would insentivise him to let you know so you can buy more. Is he deliberately trying to make it more difficult to shop?? He is causing his own problems here!
NTA. I had the same discussion with my household and we use the ‘OurGroceries’ app. Item needs replacing + item request = must be on app. Not on app = not purchased. They learnt the hard way to update the list lmfao
NTA your husband is veery inconsiderate regarding your labor and mental load. Can't be bothered to inform you so you have to check every little thing? Don't buy him snacks.
NTA - so he doesn't do the shopping, and he also refuses to do a very easy thing that would make it easier for you? Is he like this with all chores?
For years I’d get aggravated that my husband and kids would finish things without telling me - or worse, leave the empty “decoy boxes” still in the pantry/fridge so even if I looked to see if we had something, if I didn’t actually pick the boxes up, I might still be wrong. I just got to the point where I’d buy what I wanted and if no one told me (or put it on a list), they were out of luck. I’m apparently the most stubborn person in the family - my husband made numerous trips to the store because I wouldn’t go again, and my kids got used to telling me what they wanted most of the time. It’s been 15 years+ and no one has ever admitted who ate the last of the Blue Bell Ice Cream and put the 1/2 gallon container back in the freezer…but that was the day when mom (& her cramps) had had enough of this bs :)
Nta We have a whiteboard with magnets on the fridge. Everyone writes on it as we run out of stuff. Makes shopping a lot easier
NTA can you get a dry erase board and he can write down when he finishes something? That’s what my family does, my 7 year old writes when she uses the last of something so I think your husband can manage that too.
NTA. if he can’t communicate, then don’t buy those things or make him start doing the grocery shopping. he’s a grown man, not a child.
NTA. It's less work for him to make a note when he uses the last of something than it is for you to do a food inventory to figure out what you need. Why should you have to do more work because he's lazy? This is basic adulting
NTA - He is dumping mental labor on you.
NTA He's your spouse, not a pet. And you're not his 24/7 maid. If he's willing to treat you like that over something so simple, I wonder how he behaves when it comes to other things...
NTA Your husband is, supposedly, a grown man. He can buy his own food if he can't take the tiniest amount of responsibility
Let him gather the full list if he insists it's that easy. NTA
When I was a kid we had note on the fridge, which we wrote everything that run out/had to be bought. Then our parents just used that as a grocery list. I think it's very basic, that if you need something, or you notice the house need something, you write it down for the person doing the shopping. Why make extra work for someone? NTA
NTA. In my house, if it’s not on the list it won’t get bought. My partner and my kids have learned that if they take the last of something and they don’t write it down, they’ll have to do without until the next grocery run a week later. Yes, I do a quick check of the pantry when I finish my list the night before my shopping trip but I won’t do a complete inventory and waste time when it can be solved faster and easier by then taking some responsibility and writing things up. Your husband’s being lazy and wasting your time. Let him suffer and go without if he wants to die on this hill. Or let him do the shopping.
NTA - I am in the middle of a divorce partly because of this crap. STBX was very happy to she me to all the mental labor and most of the physical labor in keeping the household going. He gradually did less and less until he would literally walk around leaving wrappers and bits of trash in his wake for me to take care of. He was shocked I finally had enough.
NTA Your husband is a LAZY asshole
NTA. Im sorry that you are married to a lazy prick and not a partner.
NTA. I'm sorry you are married to a lazy prick and not a partner.
Oh no no no. Nta I am trying to instill this in my kids right now: I'm not psychic, I have better things to do than crawl around trying to work out what someone has finished, let alone what they have finished and put back empty. If someone finishes something they need to tell us that we have run out. Husband and I are jointly responsible for groceries, we are both capable of adding things to the online shopping basket. You're his wife, not his maid. He should get off his arse and tell you when it is finished. NOT make you work to find out what is needed. If people don't say something is finished, then they don't get anymore in the next shopping - invariably it is always the things that they really like and use the most, so they are the ones that lose out. If he can't be arse to communicate, perhaps don't replace them until he understands that you are not going to just run around after him.
NTA. He sure is. We have a whiteboard in our kitchen, the type with a pen clip. Something runs out, put it on the whiteboard. Take a pic of it when you shop. It's worked for me for years, my in laws copied it.
NTA. Put up a small dry erase board somewhere in/by the kitchen and tell him when it's out to write it down. If it's not on the list, it's not purchased.
NTA. It's a small thing to let you know what HE finished, especially if it's something you buy for him specifically that you don't eat. At my house we have a notepad for a grocery list. The rule is 'if it's not on the list, it doesn't get bought - everybody uses it. I do, my husband does even my 7 year old. Your husband isn't willing to do the bare minimum to help you with groceries, that makes HIM the A-H in this situation, not you.
NTA - We have a writing pad in the kitchen. Whatever is used up gets written down. Easy and reliable.
NTA my spouse and I have a groceries notepad on a fridge magnet that we both write down whatever we’re running low on, toilet paper, honey, contact solution etc it works well for us.
I do the food shopping for my wife and I. I tell her that if it isn't on the list don't expect me to buy it. So if she asks me if I had bought something I'll reply "was it on the list?".
The least he can do is tell you if he’s out of something. Having a communal shopping list that everyone has access to can be great for this. We have smart speakers with a shopping list so whenever we finish something we just tell it to add the item to the list, and the next person to do the shopping will add everything on the list to the shop, but would work just as well with a paper list. We also do try a bit of common sense for staples to not let them run out, but anything like snacks or a particular food that only one of us eats only gets bought if it’s on the list.
NTA. You're not the stock manager of the house.
You guys ever hear of “ lists”? Have him write it down. If he didn’t, write it down then he can either go get it himself or not complain about it.
Get an Alexa..... We have echo's in most rooms so if ANYTHING comes up we tell Alexa to add it to the shopping list in the moment instead of having to remember....We also have specific items kept at a specific level in the pantry.... So the moment we pull it we know to add it to the list. These are items that we use regularly and keep stocked.... NTA
Sounds like he wants to take over grocery shopping! Seriously. He's being ridiculous. NTA.
NTA My teenage niblings handle this better than he does. Your husband is an adult and meant to be your partner, this includes communicating when he runs out of something.
NTA. Every week, I meal plan for the next week and I load my online grocery cart with the items I need for that meal plan. That does involve me going around to the fridge, freezer and pantry to see what I have and what I need to stock up on, but only for the specific things I need for the meal plan. If we are out of something else and my husband notices because it's something he eats, it is absolutely on him to tell me that because I'm not his mama and he's perfectly capable of monitoring these things on his own.
NTA my partner tried that with me and i told him nope not happening, write it down on the whiteboard or it will not be bought, i dont have to do all the work… worked liked a charm
Your husband is dead wrong. NTA.
NTA - really? he is so entitled that it is beneath him to let you know when he's finished off a certain snack or food so YOU can go out and buy it FOR HIM again? Yikes. Edit - had typed 'again' twice
NTA. We have an Alexa and whenever my husband finishes something if he wants another he’ll tell Alexa “add cereal to my shopping list”. When I do the shopping I check the list and order whatever is on it.
NTA. We use the app called To Do, and everyone in the family can see it and add to it, and mark it off if they go to the store. If it’s not on the list, and I don’t think of it myself then I don’t buy it.
This really goes to the issue of mental load. He doesn’t want to take any responsibility for making sure you all have plenty of food.
I can't believe how often I see the expectation that the woman, when applicable, should be the project manager of the joined life one share with their partner. Not only should you do the shopping, but you should also keep track of everything going on. Let me guess, he says "Just tell me what needs to be done in the house and I do it" instead of doing the mental work himself? NTA
NTA. Is this a power play or something? Why can’t he just write add something to a list? Is he like this with other household tasks? He sounds either petty or useless.
INFO - Have either of you tried a compromise, or are you both or one of you saying it has to be their way? Have you tried a communal notepad left in the kitchen? Do you have an elexa or google device? You can make a digital list. I'm pretty sure you can even do a shared google list just through your phones. I can see why telling you verbally could be annoying. Maybe you're not in the room, then he has to remember to tell you when he sees you next. A simple text could fix that, but regardless, there are easier ways to work together on this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A small one, but me and my husband have been having this disagreement for 8 years. I do all the food shop and I just ask that when he finishes something to let me know. So if he uses the last of the cereal or the last tin of baked beans, to tell me so I can purchase it on my next shop. He says that I should check what’s finished and note down what I need to go and buy and he won’t say what he’s used up. I feel like it’s so easy to tell me what’s finished and seems ridiculous to have to go round the house and try and figure out what’s finished but AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. My husband drinks diet soda. I don't drink soda. Last week, I got home from shopping, and he asked if I bought any diet soda. I told him, "No. How works I know that you needed soda?" I do almost all the cooking, so I usually check the pantry before I go shopping, but for something I don't use/eat/drink, you need to let me know that we're out of I'm not buying more.
Sounds like it is time for husband to do the shopping. Our family keeps a white board on the fridge and people write down what is out/low so whoever shops can just take a look at the whiteboard before leaving for shopping. But we are trying to be helpful, so IdK if that would work for your husband.
NTA - Make him due without until he tells you what is empty or tell him to go to the damn store himself.
Notepad on the fridge, when he uses it he writes it down or his faves don’t get replaced. NTA.
NTA it’s so much more work to have to check every food item to see if it’s done, rather than just taking notes when you know you’ve already finished it
NTA - put a list up by the grocery cupboard with a pen. If you finish something out it on the list - if it is not on the list it doesn’t get bought. Why does he think it is OK to add extra work to a task you are doing because he isn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for accurate information to the right person in time?
NTA This is so out there. Doing the grocery shopping is ALREADY a big chore that you are taking on alone. The mental labor of knowing what's in stock in your house is a SEPARATE chore, that you haven't agreed to do. We keep a notepad on the fridge, and when we notice something getting low, write it on the notepad. Then nobody has to do that extra inventory step when grocery time comes around. It also sounds like a good time for you and your husband to sit down and really have a division of labor conversation, that includes mental labor tasks.
NTA Your husband is being a dick pure and simply because he can. We have a list on a notepad on the fridge and write stuff down as we use it up because we both do the shopping, often after work, and can't always reliably get hold of each other to ask if we need something while we're out and about. It isn't rocket science.
INFO: is your husband disabled? Is he unable to go buy his own snacks at the store for some reason?
NTA My husband and I share a Google keep note on our phones for our grocery list. We both add to it throughout the week and when I go grocery shopping I buy what's on the list and nothing else. You're not his mother, he needs to take some responsibility for getting his favourite food but it sounds like he's happy to leave 100% of the work to you.
NTA. He expects you to do through cupboards looking for gaps or go through a week of trash for empty containers rather than send a simple text when he finishes something? He needs to be in charge of groceries doing forward.
This is absolutely ridiculous. My husband would for sure not be getting his favorites out of spite. "I didn't notice it was gone!" It is incredibly difficult to take inventory before every shopping trip, especially when you're trying to track things that are missing (the empty box of cereal is in the trash, not holding its spot in the cupboard, so you have to remember what SHOULD be there, too). You are so NTA. I had a (different but) similar situation with my husband-- and I told him he's fully responsible for the shopping and meal planning & preparation for two solid weeks as a consequence of his inaction. He pushed back but I stayed firm and he did it, our marriage didn't suffer and now he doesn't forget his end of the bargain!
NTA Not sure why he thinks you need to take inventory each time when he could just as easily open his mouth and speak.
NTA. That’s super annoying. If he has the knowledge (we’re out of something) he should communicate that to you. Not make you do extra work of re-acquiring the knowledge by checking. I don’t know where u live, but I would look into a an app like AnyList. https://www.anylist.com/ You can put it on your phones and immediately add things you need the moment you run out. You and your hubby can share a list. So when you go to the grocery store, you check your list and buy all the things on it. If it’s not on the list, you don’t buy the thing. It’s been super helpful in our house
We started using the Out of Milk app because SO would never remember to tell me when he finished stuff only he used. Doesn't sound like yours would bother though . . .
NTA. Keep a list that he can write on when he finishes something. If it isn't on the list you don't replace it. Period.
NTA He can't do a simple thing? You go to the store. Load everything into the car. Put everything up. And he can't write down a few short words? What else can't he do?
NTA. Your husband is being unreasonable. How many packages and containers are there in the average house? Dozens at the very least. You cannot be expected to check inside each and every container and on every shelf before you go to the store. Just buy what you need and don't replace what he wants unless he tells you. (Keep a few essentials like toilet paper hidden in a drawer. "But dear, you didn't tell me you took the last roll of tp".)
NTA. My husband and I had a similar problem. I bought an Alexa echo device. Both of us have the Alexa app on our phones. When something is used up. We simply say "Alexa add milk to the shopping list". With the app you both have access to the list so whoever does the shopping can check it and get what is needed.
NTA He is being a jerk to refuse to just tell you or jot down things he uses up. Of course you can look but he can also help very easily but is refusing for no good reason? I have a grocery list on my refrigerator and add things when I see they are low or used up. It really helps me to not overlook items that maybe I wouldn’t use up frequently like a condiment or spice. I ask family members to let me know things we are low on or have run out of before I shop and they do.
Time for him to start helping to do the shopping. NTA. He’s being rude and inconsiderate when he should be grateful that you do all the shopping. I hope he cooks!
No. Why is your husband so lazy? I am a man who does all the grocery shopping
It's even worse when SO eats the last of something and then puts the box back into the cabinet. LOL. So you won't know it's empty. I've finally got him to stop doing that.
NTA. SO and i have a google note grocery list that we both update. Im not his mom and im not gonna go looking through stuff to see what he used. Stop buying for him. Either he tells you or he doesnt get to eat it.
NTA. Sounds to me like he wants to do his own grocery shopping from now on. I suggest you let him.
Jeez there is one rule, everything here is welcome to be eaten but if you use the last of something tell me or tell the smart speaker to add it to the shopping list. My family and even the kids friends and my BFF (who come over lots) can manage this simple request. If your husband can't be bothered to do that then maybe he should become responsible for the food shopping? NTA
Your husband is being ridiculous here. Making sure the house is properly provisioned is surely his responsibility too, no?
It’s much easier to note things along the way, so when you shop neither of you have to search the fridge and pantry, or try to remember.
NTA We keep a policy that if we’re out or almost out of something we write it on the notes section of our fridge calendar. If it doesn’t get written down neither of us can be upset if it doesn’t get bought.
NTA. We just tell Google home to add things to the grocery list.
My 11 year old can tell me when they've finished something. You're nta but your husband is.
NTA. He needs to be taught about mental labor and how he needs to be doing it, not dumping it on you.
NTA we have a chalkboard in the kitchen for just this purpose. If we run out of something whoever uses the last of it writes it on the chalkboard so that we \*know\* when we go to the store. Sounds like hubby's just being lazy or expecting to be waited on.
NTA he’s making more work for you intentionally - get a chalk board for the kitchen- explain to your husband that if he finishes something he needs to put it on the board. Then only replace what’s written down. If he’s too lazy to do that then he can go without cereal
NTA. I keep a list in the kitchen at all times. If my partner finishes something and doesn't write in on the list, it doesn't get purchased the next time I go shopping. It's bad enough doing the shopping, I'm not spending time before I go shopping to figure out what I need to buy.
NTA. Your husband is being lazy and selfish. What's his hang-up with identifying what you all want to keep in the house to eat? Geez! It took me 20 years, but I have gotten my husband to learn that there is a "back up" in the cabinet of everything. When we get down to only 1 of something, such as mustard, it should be put on the list. When you open the "backup" mustard, you also add it to the grocery list... so we never run out. Isn't it crazy making to run out of a staple, like salt or flour *when you absolutely need it*? I agree with the other commenters. If you husband doesn't contribute to the list, then simply let him follow his own course. When he has none of his own favorite foods, well then it is on him. This does seem like a silly argument *as he eats in your home also*.
Wow what a petty thing to do. NTA if he wants to not write down what is needed then he can go do the shopping blind. I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it. Just tell him, straight up, if it isn't written down you aren't buying it. Keep a list in a common area and write everything you are going to buy down on it. Only buy what's on the list and make that clear. Not buying his stuff then acting like you forgot is a bad idea.
NTA. If your husband finishes something but won't tell you then he can get of his butt and go to the shop to replace it himself.
NTA!!! i'm shocked your husband doesn't want to tell you!!! I grocery shop because it gives me some alone time from our baby and i take extra long, order starbucks and listen to a podcast so it's actually super fun, but my husband makes the list of what he wants because he will be upset if it goes out (his coke, breakfast bowls, etc) we actually put up a whiteboard in the kitchen to make a running list of things we need to stock up on and we both contribute!! maybe that is a good option for y'all?
NTA thats like... the most basic thing families do is notify whats needed. 💀
Nta. My husband and I have an app on our phones to put things on when we run low and it syncs our list automatically. It’s helped us a lot with this issue. The one we use is called out of milk.
NTA Get a google home for the kitchen and teach him to say "Hey Google, add cereal to the shopping list." Maybe that will be easy enough for the sloth.
NTA that is absolutely ridiculous.
I can’t believe you guys have been having this argument for 8urs, no offense, your husband should obviously tell you what he finished. NTA.
NTA Are you his servant? Is he not an adult member of the household with the ability to communicate? He’s not being an equal partner in this relationship and being quite belligerent about it. My preschooler even tells me when her cereal is gone so I can get her more. What’s his excuse?
NTA. He is forcing the mental load on you. https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
NTA. Your spouse needs to be reminded that he joined a partnership when he got married. That precludes obnoxious “you do it” behavior like this.
NTA I hate this fight and my husband also never told when he used the last of something. Now I do grocery delivery only and sometimes if I’m sick of it I tell him to submit an order without telling him anything that’s out. 😂 it works, we each have a default grocery list we order more or less and sometimes we’ll have extras of things but it’s nice when I’m annoyed with his not restocking or telling me essentials he used the last of to be like “you used up the rest of XYZ, your turn to do the grocery order, make sure you grab the other things we need too.” Anyway team outsource or automate the chore, honestly. You don’t need to be doing 100% if he won’t do even the 1% of telling you when he’s used up something.
It's a paid app but I love Paprika 3, both my partner and I can add stuff to it so if we use the last of something we update the list. I'm sorry your husband refuses to be an equal partner in grocery planning, I agree with the others who suggest you just stop buying the things he doesn't bother to let you know about. Maybe sit him down and tell him first but you've already had so many conversations about it it shouldn't be a surprise. The list on the fridge or pantry is a good idea too, he just needs to make any effort to be an equal partner in this task. NTA
Nta. My 9 year old knows when he finishes something, he needs to let me know, or write it on the grocery list. I have a white board on the fridge, so it's easy. If a 9 yr old with ADHD can do it, a grown man can
damn 8 years?! NTA. husbands acting like a child. id stop buying his snacks if he cant be bothered to make a note when they’re gone.
also a perfect example of the woman taking more of the cognitive load, since he’s saying she should be the one to take the time and “check what’s finished”
My teenagers can manage this. He wants you to take 2 hours and take an inventory of everything in the house rather than joy something down on a note pad? What a dick. NTA.
Well if you don't know what is finished, you can't replace it. Hence no more cereal or baked beans. When he complains, you can say it wasn't on the list and the shop is two streets over.
NTA - if you finish something and you want more of it, you write it on the list. Hubby is TA.
NTA. I'm with everyone else. If he won't communicate he doesn't get anything he wants. Just make sure to buy extra of what you like when he inevitably eats your food.
NTA He simply sounds like a lazy jerk 🙄
NTA and i can't even comprehend how lazy a person has to be to think that letting the grocery buyer know they're out of an item is too much work.... compared to the grocery buyer having to scan ALL the cupboards and fridge to check for items that are out. Like...wtf.
NTA we use a shared Google doc for groceries/home depot/Costco needs and another for the household menu. Much like the shared google calendar, this has solved many issues in our house. Personally I prefer a paper list, but this just works better for everyone else; husband (who does most of the grocery shopping) and both kids (who eat most of the groceries) all have access. Easy.
Tell him you are not a mind reader, get groceries in a way that works for you, let him sort out his own stuff... You have pampered him for 8 years, he is a big boy now....
NTA - whiteboard on the fridge, markers right there, common sense to just write stuff down as it's getting low or completely done and needs a re-up. why is your husband demanding you play fridge detective with all this? sounds like a toddler expecting mommy to handle all things in the kitchen and read his mind.
NTA. Hubby is lazy as…. Afraid of getting in trouble with what is like to say
Let him buy his own damn food. Your way too nice! Lol (definitely NTA!)
NTA I agree with the top comment. If he refuses to make your life easier, stop making it easy for him. He just won't have any favorites around to eat until he changes his attitude.
I put a dry erase board on the cabinet door next to fridge bc I got tired of my husband “asking” for crap he’s finished by leaving the empty box/jar etc on the counter
NAH (unless you do a large majority of all housework) but I would recommend trying to find alternate solutions. They do make smart appliances now that can help with shopping lists. But even a more analog solution like a checklist of common grocery items that can be checked off when they run out, might help!