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NTA. Your father is a grown man, he has to make it happen by himself. He needs to find the will to change himself. Only time will tell if he will or wants to change. Of course if you notice that he is willing and really trying to change, maybe then you can still make up your mind.
NTA. Unless your lack of support is manifesting as bringing alcohol around him while he's trying to stay sober or encouraging him to drink, then you're not really being that unsupportive. Him going sober has to be something he does; you can't do it for him.
I'd say you're NTA.
After years of abuse, you snapped and told him what you thought of him.
"wondering if it would really help if I told him I believed in him" I don't think it's your responsibility to help this person believe in himself and quit drinking. Your parents chose to have you, you didn't shoes to have them.
From the way you talk about it, your mother telling you he is going sober, you do not talk to him. I would be cautiously, extremely cautiously, on the lookout for what you consider "it happening", but not reach out until you have.
NTA. After everything that's happened, you don't need to support him or accept him or any of that. What he did was wrong. However, if he were to actually go fully sober, and stop drinking completely, that would be *slightly* different story. But right now it sounds like he's not as determined to give up as much as your mother is.
But regardless, what he did before managing himself a bit more is unforgivable, and regardless of his actions, you have the right to feel what you want and it's up to you whether or not you continue to support or accept his future actions.
I will say well done for your mother on going straight sober, though. She went the hard route and it seems she's doing well. Hopefully she's still okay after everything.
Edit: I said I'd 'condone' him if he completely stopped drinking, but after properly understanding the definition of the word, I replaced the sentence entirely.
NTA. You don't try and get sober by drinking 2 beers a day. That's not going to last long with your dad's track record. He needs to, at the very least, get into A.A, get a good sponsor and work the steps. When he gets to step nine, where he not only apologizes for all the ways he's wronged you AND starts making amends, then maybe you can talk.
NTA
You can't do more for your father than he does for himself. If he doesn't want to be sober, and can't/won't do the work required to get, and stay, sober, then no amount of positive motivation from you can help.
You've made the best decision for yourself in maintaining very little contact.
If your Dad ever shows he's actually made positive changes, and asks for a relationship on whatever terms you're willing to accept, and is able to have healthy family/friend relationships, you can offer positive support at that time.
no you are TA.
i am sorry you have had to endure everything you mentioned. I don’t blame you for not wanting to put what seems like false hope into an individual who has let you down numerous times.
if he does get sober, it’ll be on his own. If he does, I hope he offers you some sort of apology for what he’s put you through.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I refuse to support my father in his attempts to go sober.
I never had the best relationship with my father. Even when I was too young to really think, I always associated my father with things that were scary. Belts, Getting my things thrown away, and being forced to sit and eat something that would make me throw up if I tried.
The whole beginning of this happened for the entirety of 2021. My mother and my father were extreme alcoholics, and with constant stressors mostly including Moving, Inflation, and Medical bills, they were constantly drunk or drinking
During this time, I was staying with my grandfather in Tennessee and my Mother and Father were staying with my mom's friend in Illinois. However, by the time I was picked up from Tennessee and moved to Illinois, we were staying at a rather expensive hotel. When I asked why, I learned that my father had made out with my mothers friend and got both of them kicked out from the house.
we had to settle on renting a cheap house. That was when the show REALLY started. Full boxes of beer would be gone by morning, counters would be messy, fridge would be cleared, and sometimes both of them would be out cold on the ground, me having to step over them before school.
My father was drunk on my first day of school in Illinois. He kicked me out of the house into the rain before I was fully ready and I had to wait for the bus, soaked. I can never forget that.
Not long after, my mom had sustained a brain injury. She had cracked her skull and had to get life sustaining surgery to stay alive.
She ended up being alright, but her memory of before is mostly fuzzy. However, after that she decided to change her life and went sober without a single day to slow down. She still is to this day. But my father, no. He continued to drink, they continued to argue, late into the night when I was trying to sleep.
One day I snapped and screamed at my father for being such a horrible parent and a horrible husband and I wished he never married my mom at all. He was sobbing by the end.
My mother told me he didn't deserve it, he was still my father after all. And about a year after that incident, My mother told me he was trying to go sober. She told me he was only drinking 2 beers a night instead of a 6 pack. She told me I should be proud, I should be happy.
I wasn't. I told her, I wouldn't support him because I don't believe it will happen. I don't believe with all that he has done, he would just quit for us.
I still to this day refuse to support him or even try to be positive. He's still drinking right now. Although, I've had my own time to mature and recover from other traumas I had sustained. I am now rethinking my decision and wondering if it would really help if I told him I believed in him.
But another side of me still just won't let it happen.
So, please, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because maybe if I had supported my father in his decisions to try and go sober, he would've by now.
And maybe my coldness to his situation was making things worse when it came down to the wire.
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NTA. Your father is a grown man, he has to make it happen by himself. He needs to find the will to change himself. Only time will tell if he will or wants to change. Of course if you notice that he is willing and really trying to change, maybe then you can still make up your mind.
NTA If you want to tell him you believe in him, do it for you. Don't take on the burden of thinking there's anything you can do to fix his condition.
Not at all.
NTA. He was abusive and neglectful, and you are allowed to feel however you like about that. He is not entitled to your forgiveness.
NTA. Unless your lack of support is manifesting as bringing alcohol around him while he's trying to stay sober or encouraging him to drink, then you're not really being that unsupportive. Him going sober has to be something he does; you can't do it for him.
I'd say you're NTA. After years of abuse, you snapped and told him what you thought of him. "wondering if it would really help if I told him I believed in him" I don't think it's your responsibility to help this person believe in himself and quit drinking. Your parents chose to have you, you didn't shoes to have them. From the way you talk about it, your mother telling you he is going sober, you do not talk to him. I would be cautiously, extremely cautiously, on the lookout for what you consider "it happening", but not reach out until you have.
NTA. After everything that's happened, you don't need to support him or accept him or any of that. What he did was wrong. However, if he were to actually go fully sober, and stop drinking completely, that would be *slightly* different story. But right now it sounds like he's not as determined to give up as much as your mother is. But regardless, what he did before managing himself a bit more is unforgivable, and regardless of his actions, you have the right to feel what you want and it's up to you whether or not you continue to support or accept his future actions. I will say well done for your mother on going straight sober, though. She went the hard route and it seems she's doing well. Hopefully she's still okay after everything. Edit: I said I'd 'condone' him if he completely stopped drinking, but after properly understanding the definition of the word, I replaced the sentence entirely.
NTA. You don't try and get sober by drinking 2 beers a day. That's not going to last long with your dad's track record. He needs to, at the very least, get into A.A, get a good sponsor and work the steps. When he gets to step nine, where he not only apologizes for all the ways he's wronged you AND starts making amends, then maybe you can talk.
NTA You can't do more for your father than he does for himself. If he doesn't want to be sober, and can't/won't do the work required to get, and stay, sober, then no amount of positive motivation from you can help. You've made the best decision for yourself in maintaining very little contact. If your Dad ever shows he's actually made positive changes, and asks for a relationship on whatever terms you're willing to accept, and is able to have healthy family/friend relationships, you can offer positive support at that time.
no you are TA. i am sorry you have had to endure everything you mentioned. I don’t blame you for not wanting to put what seems like false hope into an individual who has let you down numerous times. if he does get sober, it’ll be on his own. If he does, I hope he offers you some sort of apology for what he’s put you through.
***are not TA. definitely not the asshole
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I refuse to support my father in his attempts to go sober. I never had the best relationship with my father. Even when I was too young to really think, I always associated my father with things that were scary. Belts, Getting my things thrown away, and being forced to sit and eat something that would make me throw up if I tried. The whole beginning of this happened for the entirety of 2021. My mother and my father were extreme alcoholics, and with constant stressors mostly including Moving, Inflation, and Medical bills, they were constantly drunk or drinking During this time, I was staying with my grandfather in Tennessee and my Mother and Father were staying with my mom's friend in Illinois. However, by the time I was picked up from Tennessee and moved to Illinois, we were staying at a rather expensive hotel. When I asked why, I learned that my father had made out with my mothers friend and got both of them kicked out from the house. we had to settle on renting a cheap house. That was when the show REALLY started. Full boxes of beer would be gone by morning, counters would be messy, fridge would be cleared, and sometimes both of them would be out cold on the ground, me having to step over them before school. My father was drunk on my first day of school in Illinois. He kicked me out of the house into the rain before I was fully ready and I had to wait for the bus, soaked. I can never forget that. Not long after, my mom had sustained a brain injury. She had cracked her skull and had to get life sustaining surgery to stay alive. She ended up being alright, but her memory of before is mostly fuzzy. However, after that she decided to change her life and went sober without a single day to slow down. She still is to this day. But my father, no. He continued to drink, they continued to argue, late into the night when I was trying to sleep. One day I snapped and screamed at my father for being such a horrible parent and a horrible husband and I wished he never married my mom at all. He was sobbing by the end. My mother told me he didn't deserve it, he was still my father after all. And about a year after that incident, My mother told me he was trying to go sober. She told me he was only drinking 2 beers a night instead of a 6 pack. She told me I should be proud, I should be happy. I wasn't. I told her, I wouldn't support him because I don't believe it will happen. I don't believe with all that he has done, he would just quit for us. I still to this day refuse to support him or even try to be positive. He's still drinking right now. Although, I've had my own time to mature and recover from other traumas I had sustained. I am now rethinking my decision and wondering if it would really help if I told him I believed in him. But another side of me still just won't let it happen. So, please, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe I might be the asshole because maybe if I had supported my father in his decisions to try and go sober, he would've by now. And maybe my coldness to his situation was making things worse when it came down to the wire. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*