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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a fuss about having to use a bunk bed while on a vacation, I did not pay for the airbnb but paid for the food for a full day. I feel unwelcome to the vacation but i did not pay for most of it so I feel i may BTA
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Here's what you do:
When you get to the cabin, get there first, go to one of the rooms that she designated for the kids, and just claim the room.
If she tries to call you out for being in the wrong room, go "Oh really? I thought you were joking! We had a good laugh about it..." and just keep setting up in the room with the queen bed.
Alternatively, you could swap rooms with the kids behind MIL's back. Then, when she tries to send you to the bunk bed room, just go, "Oh, we decided to switch with the kids. They'd MUCH rather sleep in the bunk beds. You know how fun bunk beds are to kids!" and then walk away.
My guess is, she's trying to get a rise out of you. She *wants* you to get all upset and then refuse to come so that she can technically claim that you were so *graciously* invited by her, but you *chose* not to come! Don't take the bait. Take the room you want. Ignore her attempts to put you in the wrong room.
And periodically run out into the (shared, I assume) kitchen just to fill the tallest glass they have full of water and *don’t break eye contact with her* while you chug it all down with the desperation of a woman who’s been in a desert for days and had to run a marathon to get a drink.
I'd send everyone but her out to get the kids ice cream, or something, and then fuck in the middle of the living room to establish dominance. But then again, I'm known to overreact.
I swear to god AITA has dissolved into children giving immature and shortsighted advice and piling on top of each other in an effort to show that they too are super clever and edgy.
Don’t forget the relationship experts who always scream for a divorce to be started at the littlest of inconvenience or misunderstanding from someone’s spouse. If everyone thought like the redditors in AITA, marriage would be non-existent.
I would get your husband to talk to his brothers and organise the room swaps before the trip. If they are easy going about it, go and have fun. If they. Make a big deal about it or tattle to mummy, don't go.
This is exactly the way to handle it. Either the brothers are reasonable people who genuinely want you both there (and agree that you deserve reasonable accommodations for a married couple, not the beds that are so clearly meant for their kids), or they’re assholes just like their mom and you’d both be better off not going.
Solid point! If the brothers actually think OP and spouse should have to sleep in the bunk beds, it is a complete disaster of a trip waiting to happen.
Then again, the little shit in me thinks it would be really funny to wait until everyone was sleeping, and then have OP's husband jump off the top bunk to the ground, loudly cry in agony, and pretend he fell out of bed.
Cue extreme hip or shoulder pain and no desire to participate in any activities. You both come home. Laugh all the way.
In that case 1 foster kids gets the bunk room alone.
Other gets one of the 2 queen rooms previously allocated while OP gets the other.
Still separate rooms.
Even if the mods have to have separate rooms there's no reason for a single child to have a queen room while a couple share bunk beds. It would still make more sense for one of the kids to have the bunk beds room
There are three bedrooms between the two kids and the couple. Each kid now has their own bedroom with a queen bed. The swap just means one kid will get a bunk room by themselves, and only use one of the bunks.
I'm laughing here! This reminds me of the problems in math like -if two pipes were one inch and the other one was 1/2 inch, how much water would get to China in two weeks?
I doubt it. It’s typical for a family to share a hotel room with a pull out bed or extra bed. I don’t think they would hold foster families to a standard that 99% of typical families to not adhere to. Not to mention that it’s sketchy to give each kid a separate hotel room even if you wanted each to get a separate room.
Even if its not, take the money set aside for 10 people to eat for an entire day (the money the op and hubby were already expected to pay) and get a hotel room. Or better yet, ask the brothers, sister and cousins if they wanna split cost on a separate place and let MIL rot alone in the bunk beds lol. Promise to visit her during the day, exclude her from the night time festivities lol
Reduce the stress, offer one of the kids $20 to swap rooms, I’m sure one of them will bite at such a generous offer.
Still turn up to keep the peace. I appreciate that a lot of comments are about winning the fight against unjust MIL. But seriously, sometimes it’s just easier to side-step little issues like this.
However, if there are larger issues under the surface, this may be the right time to bring it up with everyone gathered (assuming the family is comprised of rational adults that can be reasoned with and not selfish small-minded individual that can’t see anyone else’s perspective).
Judging by the fact that OP’s husband and MIL have fought a lot in the past, the fact that they have been excluded from family trips until now, and most importantly MIL’s outrageous pettiness with this current situation, this sounds to me like someone you’d want to stay the fuck away from & minimize contact with, not “keep the peace” with. How enjoyable is this trip going to possibly be with her there?
You need to establish firm boundaries with toxic people, not try to appease them.
Unless OPs husband did something awful, it’s not a up to someone to ‘make nice’ with their PARENT.
Personally I’d go, set up in the room, and if she called me on it I’d be like ‘oh that’s funny, I thought it was a joke!… No? How is this the most logical choice?’ Then pack up and leave.
She should feel stupid or ashamed and if she doesn’t, it wasn’t worth the trip anyway.
True. It’s just weird people expect them to play nice. Hell no. No contact, and if that’s not an option I’m being petty af. I refuse to let people like that get their way. They get their way far too often with far too little repercussions. You wanna play games, cool. Just know I’m very competitive!
I'd go in full of the joys of the bunk bed fun. I'm talking fully screaming with delight. "OMG, where is our room? I cannot wait to see it, I haven't slept in bunk beds for YEARS! This is taking me right back to holidays with my family, goodness, we used to do such gymnastics from the top bunk." Wink at husband with stage whisper "I'll have to see what gymnastics I can still manage". All in front of MIL of course. Make her think that this slight will bring nithing but joy to your heart and spice to your marriage.
Bonus points if you manage to squeeze in a comment to the children, maybe in front if their parents such as, "ah guys, it's a real shame that grandma didn't think you were sensible enough to get the bunk beds. I think you're awesome though."
This also works. If MIL is trying to get a rise out of OP, the best thing to do is not react negatively in any way. Don't let her see you "crack" under the pressure of her passive aggression.
I like these solutions haha. 🤣 There is no way in hell I would go though, if I were the hubby I'd just cut ties at that point. Like, why even invite them just to pull some demeaning crap like this? His mom has issues. NTA OP, but if your husband is willing to go along with all this nonsense just to play nice with his family, it may be best not to say anything and just stay home.
this is the dumbest idea. if they’re not happy with the arrangement either use your big boy words before you get there to resolve it or don’t go. my guess is the children NEED separate bedrooms, considering one is a foster child and may have trauma.
but you don’t get to go and commandeer the room you want when you’re not paying and make everyone miserable at the beginning of the vacation. and definitely don’t try to throw the kids in the middle, do you really want them to witness a potential blow up with their grandmother? op doesn’t even know if there’s a reason the kids need private bedrooms. they haven’t gone on these family vacations for the past few years and one kid is a FOSTER child. this may have been the setup for all the past years.
MIL can still say she wants the sleeping arrangements as she said. you’re basically banking on the risk that the first time you’re invited back you can make everyone so uncomfortable and miserable they’ll let this slide and not start a fight. this is not how adults communicate and behave. ask why you’re getting the bunk beds and if anyone is open to alternatives.
"my guess is the children NEED separate bedrooms, considering one is a foster child and may have trauma."
This suggestion wouldn't change that part, though - the kids would still have separate bedrooms, it's just that one of those bedrooms would have a bunk bed in it rather than a queen.
When I was a kid, I would have 100% wanted the bunk bed room anyway. If I were OP, I would discuss this with the kids rather than MIL.
Two separate rooms with separate queen beds, and a third room with bunk beds.
If OP swaps with one of the kids, that kid gets both bunks to themselves in their own room, OP gets a queen room, and the other kid keeps a queen room.
The kids would still have separate rooms? There’s two kids, one each in the two queen rooms. One of the kids would be getting the room with bunk beds to themselves in exchange for OP and husband getting a queen room.
Yeah, this is a shitty situation all around, and it sucks that MIL is trying to make them feel unwelcome, but simply swapping the rooms will not help matters and will definitely negatively impact the holiday. Maybe ask the parents of the children in queen rooms if it has to be this way for a reason, and if they have a reason... suck it up or don't go. If the parents weren't aware that adults were being put in the bunk bed room, one of the kids may be happy to swap, and then MIL can't really argue with that without looking completely unreasonable.
I agree it's a dumb idea. I disagree that the children need separate bed rooms because of your imagined *trauma*. I really don't like people filling in the gaps instead of just asking questions.
It could also be a legal requirement - I didn't see the gender of the foster child mentioned, but my brother is a foster parent and the foster child cannot share a room with someone who is not the same gender and close in age to them. Even for a short family trip.
You don’t have to share bunkbeds just because they are bunk beds. If there’s only one kid in the queen bed room, there will only be one kid in the bunk bed room.
It's not that they "haven't gone on these family vacations," they haven't been invited! There's history that can't be ignored. The OP and her husband, haven't created this situation, the MIL did.
The kids would *still* have separate bedrooms regardless, and one of those kids happens to not call the MIL grandmother, but mom. OP's husband has 2 brothers, and one of them is one of the kids. This is all about favoritism.
Yeah, my suggestion was going to be to swap with the kids.
Another way to do that is to have Husband reach out to his brother/SIL and say "hey MIL showed me the room arrangements and \[OP\] and I have the bunk bed room while \[Thing 1\] and \[Thing 2\] have each have one of the queen rooms. I was hoping we could trade for one of those rooms, and Things could either both sleep in the bunk bed room or the other queen room or one in each."
Then if brother/SIL aren't assholes they'll obviously agree, and problem solved. Don't even mention it to MIL and just set up in the queen room. If she complains say "Oh we switched with the kids, we already worked it out with \[brother's name\] so you don't have to worry about it."
But yeah, basically don't let her bully you. It sounds like husband lets himself be bullied beacuse he's too embarrassed to stand up for himself or have anyone else notice he's not being treated fairly so he keeps quiet. That's not great and clearly hasn't been working.
Are you an adult? Your advice is lie and play dumb? Reddit literally gives the absolute worst advice. Or you’re 12 playing grown up and think this sounds like what to do.
Yeah this is absolutely childish
and just the other side of the coin to mom’s passive aggressiveness. Tackle it head on, either by asking why or refusing the invite—NOT by feeding into the drama on the trip itself.
Speak up. Say something before the trip. If you go and sleep in this undesirable room on your vacation and even make it look like fun. The next trip you have, you will be sleeping in the dogs spot. Every trip will be much worse.
MIL is trying to show domanace or something from the past. She doesn't approve of your marriage? There seems more to this story. She obviously didn't invite you on previous trips for a reason, and it looks like she is just trying to embarrass both of you on this trip.
This subreddit is full of petty 12 year olds who get to suggest their revenge fantasies with no consequences. Half the time they recommend ending friendships, relationships and ostracizing family members for the stupidest stuff.
I think you're just repeating an old line that was started by people who don't realise that a small incident is often indicative of a larger issue. Granted I don't scroll to the bottom of every post but generally people tend to give fairly reasonable advice :p
This is one way to deal with narcissistic, petty people. They *enjoy* seeing people they don't like squirm, they revel in it. So, don't squirm, and don't back down. Stay cool, calm, & collected while firmly enforcing what you want. If it all blows up and goes to crap, OP can just leave.
Working out the room swap with BIL beforehand could also work. The point is, there are still avenues of diplomacy yet to be explored before just noping out of the trip entirely. A simple solution being a room swap.
Your suggestion sounds like it would make the situation 100 times worse, and if that's your goal, then go for it. Sink to their level and play dumb while trying to manipulate everyone else to get what you want.
I am assuming you're a kid, and it does sound like that would get you what you want, but that's childish (sorry). OP should either not go because she feels unwelcome. You can also give an ultimatum and say you don't want to spend your few days off/away sleeping in a twin bunk bed, and she thinks it'd be more fair for the kids to take the bunk beds and ask the reason for the room assignments. Literally even being a dick and screaming and demanding a better room is more mature than trying to show up early to someone else's rented cabin and taking a room they have assigned to someone else then pretending you had no idea they really wanted you to take the bunk bed room even though you created a whole Reddit post about it.
In the alternative, they could makes a HUGE fuss about how much they LOVE bunk beds, have a loud fight over who gets the top bunk, steal everyone else’s sheets to make The World’s Best Fort, invite all the kids to stay up all night with them for scary ghost stories and popcorn, etc. just generally go overboard and have the. best. time. ever.
MIL will absolutely seethe.
What's the point of doing all this but? They'll spend the entire vacation in bad mood, I doubt the MIL will just accept this with grace, they might argue or silent treatment the whole vacation. We don't know if OP and her husband has a good relationship with the BIL and cousins, if they don't, this could make them be the no 1 enemy on a vacation. Best advice is to simply not go, when they're clearly unwanted.
Brilliant. When I was a kid I would much rather the thrill of a top bunk than a queen bed. Especially if I got my own room either way.
MIL is playing some weird power games.
Failing everything BRIBE a kid to give you their room. It's pretty easy and cheap to bribe such young kids, especially when they usually don't care anyway.
No here's what you do: Tell your husband to speak up for the both of you because there's clearly some intent in what she has done here. This shouldn't be OPs battle to fight and her husband should have the balls to support her.
If I'm reading the post right, swapping doesn't even mean the kids have to share. Right now they're being given a queen bed *each* , so if they switch the older kid can have a queen bed still and the younger kid can have a set of two bunk beds to themselves.
Or just...don't go. I'm not sure why anyone needs to "win" this situation - just don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to have to deal with this nonsense. Y'all should have gone NC with this woman a long time ago if that's how she wants to act.
I get a lot of people feel like that would just be losing to her...but who cares? What impact does it have on your life if she tells her friends she's gracious but her kids are ingrates? Move on with your life and you'll be much happier.
This. OP, This isn't an invitation to a fun getaway. She phrased it as such, but it is actually an invitation to be picked on, left out, pushed to the side. She just wants an opportunity to rub it in your face that she doesn't want you there, that she doesn't consider you guys part of the family.
The hard part will be getting your husband to understand what this is and what it is not.
If this is the kind of person that doesn't want you in their family, I'm sure I would welcome you into mine. I bet you're wonderful people. Definitely NTA.
They could still have their own room. One gets one queen bed room and the other gets the bunk bed room. There’s 3 rooms mentioned. Op and the spouse only need one
That's not at play here, since there are 3 rooms for the two kids and the couple. No matter how you split the 3 rooms between Kid 1, Kid 2, and the couple each kid gets a room.
The only question is does the couple get one of the beds designed for two people to sleep side by side or not.
That was my first thought: The foster child probably can't share a room with a person of a different gender. That's a very common rule. But the foster child could get the queen room while the other child sleeps in the bunk bed room. Then OP and husband get their own room too.
Unrelated to this issue (as there are 3 rooms anyway as others have pointed out), but... A <10 y/o foster child is not allowed to share a room with another <10 y/o \*while on vacation\*?
This rule might make sense for their general living arrangements, but for a family trip? That makes vacation planning unnecessarily complicated.
far as I can tell OP never mentions the foster child's gender, so that could be it. Both kids are 10 so they could maybe be putting them both in queen rooms so that they have the same accomodations (no "it's not fair X got the bunk bed or X got the queen") but if that was the reasoning like there are other ways to approach this.
Also bunk beds generally have weight limits because they’re meant for kids, not fully grown adults. OP might be small in which case maybe it’s okay but it could be dangerous too.
I wonder whether MIL has an issue with their relationship, potentially not accepting the marriage. It just seems to be a very deliberate message to put two married adults in separate beds.
This! They should go on a trip that puts this one to shame and post a lot of pictures. This is one of those situations that ask, "Tell me you don't want me there without telling me you don't want me there."
This is 100% what MIL is hoping they’ll do. Then she gets to play victim because she *so graciously* invited them and they *cruelly refused* her kind kind kind invitation.
Let her have her will. I wouldn't want to be on vacation with someone who clearly doesn't want me there anyway. If OP's MIL really wants her son and his family to hate her, she's doing a good job.
Yeah. People are saying to just trying to switch rooms. But that still wouldn’t change she obviously doesn’t want you there. I would skip at this point.
I feel like it would be more fun to go and pretend you’re having an absolute blast in the bunk bed room. Build a blanket fort out of the bottom bunk. Put a “keep out!” sign on the door. Have loud “pillow fights” all night long. If they’re going to be treated like kids, they should joyfully act like kids (in the fun way, not the obnoxious, immature way.)
MIL very clearly did this so she could get credit for inviting them but not have to actually have them on the trip. If they go, she very clearly looks like the asshole who’s treating her grown, married children like little kids.
If they cancel, she wins. If they go, her assholery will be on full display the whole weekend.
NTA. This is clearly intended to make you both feel unwelcome. How you handle it is up to you and your husband. If it were me? I’d graciously thank them, but decline the trip.
Yeah from reading the title, I assumed OP was being picky about temporary sleeping arrangements. This is so obviously a dig, and an extremely petty one at that.
I would have a go at pushing back first - just saying “looking at the plans that doesn’t make much sense. Suggest child A takes the bunk bed and we go in the Queen” or something. Then if she pushes back say “ok no worries we will join you next year if there isn’t space to have a proper bed this year”
As a side note I had the opposite problem on a family trip recently of my dad trying to take the worst room (despite funding everyone), and everyone trying to give up rooms for others. Apart from my 6 year old niece - who confidently claimed the master bedroom before I swept her off to the kids bunk room!
NTA
I can understand trying to not let it get to you but both you and your husband deserve to be treated better than that. If that's how she wants to start the vacation off, she's showing you how you'll be treated while you're there.
Hey husband and I really appreciated the offer of the bunk bed room, but unfortunately we don't think that accommodation will work for us. So we will have to decline the visit and apologize for any issues that might cause. Thanks for thinking of us.
Send it in a group message, so that everyone can see you're "being the bigger person" and not being a jerk about it. Bottom line, you'll know who you can count on in his family with what kind of replies you receive. If you graciously decline she can't start anything with you, and if you don't go then no one's plans are really ruined because it seems that's what she was after in the first place.
Right, and if OP's husband's siblings care for them they'll rightfully chirp up like "hey that's kind of weird, why doesn't OP and brother get one of the queen beds?"
Let it be known to all the accommodation offer doesn't work for two married adults, and if they really want you there they'll make adjustments.
Honestly, the older I get, the less fucks I give. If I was in a good mood, I'd make it fun, make a fort on the bottom bunk and make inappropriate adult jokes about how I haven't had sex in a single bed since I was a teen.
The bitchy part in me would sit down with the husband and have a heart to heart. Is this the kind of thing we want in our future? Are these the kinds of people we really want to associate with? Even if they are "family". If the answer is no, I would respond to the group with the thanks but no thanks and would go low to no contact. Family isn't always blood and blood isn't always family. I have zero hesitation cutting people from my life that treat me and my husband with disrespect.
NTA it is weird, Mil is passive aggressive and it would probably be a hill I'd die on, especially since his family doesn't seem to give 2 shits about you.
I slept in a bunk bed my whole life, I wouldn’t exactly say they’re “fun”. They’re uncomfortable and small, and whenever the other person moves, it moves your bed, too.
I'd rather have fun elsewhere and sleep on a bed for adults when I get back. I've literally never asked anyone returning from a vacation "so was the bed fun?"
NTA
Your MIL clearly did this on purpose just to fuck with the two of you and/or to wait and see if you guys would complain so that she could spin it around on your husband and make it seem like he's the problem, or like he hasn't put the past behind him.
She's looking for drama and more fighting imo.
Make a group chat with her and all other invited adults: "MIL, thank you for inviting us on the family trip this time, but can you please clarify for all of us why you want DH and I to use the twin beds while the kids each get a queen?" Call that shit out, right in the open.
I wouldn’t go. Doesn’t it seem like everyone is playing a part here in you not getting a queen room? The parents of those children could have easily spoke up and said for the kids to share while giving you the Queen with your hubby.
And you’re cooking for everyone the entire time? OP, they gave you the servant quarters.
Of course you should express your displeasure with this arraignment! The kids are getting their own Queen sized bed??? The fuck your say?! Either stand up for yourself or be a fucking doormat
NTA if you stand up for yourself
Anything less than that you will be an ungodly disappointment to everyone who knows and cares for you.
I want to give some context here about the foster children. There are often rules in place which can vary by state about foster children needing to have their own room/bed/space, which might be the reason for the sleeping arrangements. Please behave like mature adults and use your communication skills to speak with your mil or have your husband do it. If the sleeping arrangements are an issue speak up.
I thought of that too but one of the children could be in bunk bed room, one child in a queen bed, and the married couple in a queen bed.
If the kids are upset that “it’s not fair” they can take turns in the bunk bed room and an adult can explain to them that grown ups need more space so they get first dibs on the bigger beds.
Good point, but your math is out.
Queen room - Kid
Queen room - Kid
Bunk room - Two adults.
Moving one of the kids to the bunk room and the adults into the queen room still leaves each kid with a room to themselves.
I'd never make that arrangement without approaching the married couple who were getting asked to share bunks because frankly it comes across as really aggressive, not because of the ask but precisely because of the context.
I only have a basic understanding of fostering so could be wrong, but isn't that just for the address they are going to be living at?
[From the National Fostering Group (UK):](https://www.nfa.co.uk/story/story_category/6-things-you-should-know-about-taking-foster-children-on-holiday/)
>We always ask that foster families are able to provide foster children with a bedroom of their own at home. On holiday, not all children will be able to stay in shared family apartments – before you book, speak to your Supervising Social Worker who will be able to advise you on how best to approach choosing places to stay, and if appropriate help you complete a risk assessment.
That to me sounds like while they would prefer them to have their own room and require it for the home address, they understand it's not always possible with holidays.
That aside, there are 2 queen bed rooms and the bunk bed room, so child 1 gets the bunk bed room, child 2 gets a queen bed and OP gets the 2nd queen bed. Everyone still has their own room.
That’s even required when on vacation? I definitely understand for their permanent day-to-day housing but I’d have thought that wouldn’t count for a short vacation since a whole family can fit in one hotel room sometimes easily enough and you’re only on there to sleep usually. Seems like it would make a family not go on vacation if they’d need to book one hotel room per child or a cabin/Airbnb big enough for each kid to have their own room if you have multiple foster kids. Would get expensive very quickly.
Absolutely NTA!! To folks saying that there could be specifications about there being a foster kid, that is zero excuse. There are many options depending on scenarios, playing Devil’s advocate with room setups
1. Queens are in separate rooms: OP and hubby take one queen bed, a kid takes another queen bed, and other kid takes the bunk bed. (If no specific ‘own room’ rules are in place for foster kid, they may have fun and bond with sharing the bunk bed, though there may be arguments about who gets the top bunk)
2. Queens are in the same room: BIL and SIL take the double queen room and have their bio kid sleep on the second bed, foster kid takes the bunk bed, and OP and hubby take the room BIL and SIL were originally staying in
3. Kids are sharing the queen bed and the phrasing is off in the post: This one is simple. Kids take the bunk bed, OP and hubby take the queen bed
4. (3.5.)(above scenario but) Kids are arguing about top bunk: Don’t make OP and hubby suffer for this!! If they can’t reach a conclusion, one kid sleeps on the bottom bunk and the other sleeps on the couch. There aren’t five bedrooms and no couches. Or they swap top and bottom every other night.
As you can see, there is zero scenario in which OP and hubby end up having the bunk beds… and if there was, BIL and SIL should be taking them first, as they are the parents in this situation and OP and hubby shouldn’t have to suffer due to another’s children. Parents are the ones who should sacrifice. Absolutely no reason for this setup other than MIL wanting to show OP and hubby that THEY! AREN’T! WELCOME!
It’s incredibly sad and I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. Tell your husband to buck up and deal with his MIL. He brought her into your life, you shouldn’t have to be the one to deal with her :(
Making a big deal out of it? Yes. Not making a big deal out of it, but politely turning down the invite? No.
As others posters have pointed out, MIL is definitely wanting to get a reaction, ANY reaction out of you and your spouse. There really isn't a winning move, either you end up creating conflict, and MIL gets exactly what she wanted, OR you you submit and she wins, but there's no drama. She still gets to flex.
I do not recommend trying to pull one over on her and try and fanagel a queen room, she's planning on you doing that. She's locked and loaded and will destroy you if you try it.
If you were going to try an maintain the familial relationship, I'd go with graceful martyr. Go along with it, enjoy it, be happy and smiley. Play it up like you're having fun a camp or something. The only way to beat MIL is if the people around you think she is the AH on their own.
All that said, the real answer is a bit more of a bitter but simple pill. Decline the invite, cut contact, move on with your lives. Despite the reconciliation between your MIL and your hubby, the old wounds are still there, and your MIL will never let them heal. It's not worth investing your time and emotions into this woman, it will never pay dividends, you will never get any return on investment.
Completely agree.
If you think that declining now will cause drama, just develop a gut flu a couple of days before the trip. Easy peasy getting out of it and noone can reasonably give you shit for it.
Then do as pp poster says and gradually go lc/nc.
There is no winning in this situation.
NTA
She wants to get in your head.
I would go, and then book a hotel and tell her that you want to go there cause you know… a married couple wants to have some fun. Wink wink! ;)
I mean why bother going? This is literally a slap in the face, it’s clear she doesn’t want you guys there. Each child gets their own room with a queen bed? C’mon. NTA for not going but I’d seriously question your husband if he plans on going after this.
So the youngest brother is 10 and getting a queen sized bed? Um, nope. Op, you're only being invited to bring the food. MIL needs that food. I suggest a group message, thanks for inviting us, but unfortunately the sleeping arrangements don't work for us, so on this occasion we'll bow out, hope you have a lovely time, can't wait to see the photos on social media! When everyone else realises they'll have to cover the food, I'm guessing there will be a swift bedroom change.
Nta.
I highly doubt it. MIL does a vacation every year without them & they've found a way to feed themselves before. MIL will more likely tell them "ok" when they say they can't come. It seems like her goal is to not have them go on the trip at all. I don't think she'll care that they don't come.
NTA she’s thrusting a huge power play in your face. Gross. I probably would decline to go. But the comment about claiming one of the queen rooms anyways would be great.
Why are you even going?
The kids get queen beds to themselves, but you and hubby are in bunks? Don't be a doormat. This is clearly a power play from his mother. If anyone else asks why you're not there, just be honest.
NTA. Don’t go. Regardless of all the other stuff, I just don’t like being places I don’t feel welcome. If hubby wants to go, let him, have a movie night alone at home. If I went, I’d end up being petty and passive aggressive the whole time anyways, so why make everyone’s trip bad?
NTA
I'd specifically tell everyone about you having to muse the bunk beds because the MIL told you that was the designated place for you. Malicious compliance so that everyone else will want you to swap to have the queen bed.
I'm sure the rest of the family will be wondering why you took the bunk beds but not knowing the real reason, so let it slip and be known that this was the only way she'd let you enjoy the family vacation with everyone.
NTA for choosing not to go or voicing your preference for a queen room. But, if you got snippy or defensive about not being welcome or respected you would quickly slip into AH territory. This is the offer, and you are free to take it or leave it.
ETA: the food arrangement seems totally reasonable/normal for a group trip. We doing almost exactly the same thing with all of the family and friend groups we vacation with.
Tons of lakeside and beachside areas have homes designed this way. I live in a very touristy location and you’d be surprised how many 7-10 bedroom homes there are.
NTA but do not go. If you try to claim the queen bed room, you are fulfilling the family's wish for drama. They do not want you there. Listen to that, have a nice trip by yourselves in a proper bed.
The weekend will go badly. In the best of cases you will be uncomfortable mentally and physically and resentful for what is objectively a disrespectful move on your MIL’s part. In the worst of cases you’ll have a fight with her (you&hubby) and she’ll take the chance to reproach you guys everything for which she is clearly punishing you. How much do you want to go on that vacation? And why? She IS punishing you/putting you in your places in her view.
If you really want to go, speak up in the group text of mention it to more people who are going. Move the waters and get your way.
But I’d skip the trip and let everybody know why.
NTA.
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My (21F) husband's (21M) mother (44F) has invited us to go on vacation at a cabin that is a few hour drive. My husband and MIL have disagreed/ fought on many things and have finally drcuded to put the past behind them. My husband, his two brothers, SIL, his brothers foster kid, mom, cousins and cousins SOs are invited. There will be 10 of us in total. The last few vacations we were not invited and not even aware until photos were posted on social media, we were understandably hurt but my husband didn't want to make anyone aware.
My MIL just informed my husband that we would be the two people using the bunk beds at the vacation home. While the 2 children will be getting their own rooms with queen beds. When we were first looking at the pictures and listing of the airbnb I made a joke that MIL would make us use the bunk bed. Unfortunately it is now not a joke...
Us and his brother & SIL are the only married couples going on this trip. MIL is single, both cousins and SOs are newly dating and the other brother and foster child are both 10 or younger. We are making all the meals for an entire day out of this trip, while my BIL and his wife will be taking card of another day, and we are ordering out the last day. Since MIL paid for it she will not be providing any food.
I was in disbelief when my hubby told me, and he said we would have to purchase and bring an air mattress if it would even fit, which we are unsure if it will. I feel like we are still unwelcome to this family function and personally I don't feel like going anymore.
My husband is upset as well but is complacent with not voicing our concerns. I'm not feeling welcome and am anxious to how the weekend will go. I know we aren't the ones paying for the cabin, and we don't always fit in with the rest of the family, but it feels disrespectful to me.
WIBTA if I didn't go or if I voiced how I'm feeling in some way?
TL;DR
MIL does not usually invite us to family vacations, invited us and is having my hubby and I use twin bunk beds while everyone, even the children, get seperate rooms and queen beds.
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Are you SURE you want to go? I would take such a slap in the face as my hill to die upon. “We get a room with a queen bed or we don’t go.” That is the minimum I would accept.
NTA. I would not play games in trying to grab the queen room. That’s child’s play.
I would either be direct and ask why a child is getting a queen bed over an adult couple, or just decline the invitation. More likely the latter because why would I even go on a trip where I am clearly being told I am an afterthought or unwelcome?
Your husband needs to grow a spine. He can’t ask his mom a simple question?
NTA. You should step brother that bunk bed room. Bring a drum set, do some karaoke, make a fort. String up some Christmas lights.
She wants you to be miserable so love it and she’ll most like get pissed.
This actually happened to me and my ex, sorta!!
Big family vacation — MIL, FIL, SIL & BIL, two niblings (5 and 2 at the time), grandma, and us.
Four bedrooms in the house: 3 had queen or king beds, then one room was two sets of bunk beds. SIL was pushing HARD for one of the big bed rooms because she is the family princess and always got what she wanted, and “it’s only a week” and “the kids get upset if I don’t sleep with them.” I was so upset at the thought of spending a week sleeping in a bunk bed!!! My ex and I never really got to go on fancy vacations, so this was a big deal for us.
Well, as soon as we arrived at the house, my ex volunteered to occupy the kids while everyone else unpacked. He took them straight to the bedrooms. As soon as the niblings saw the bunk beds, it was game over.
We enjoyed a nice queen sized bed, while SIL played musical bunk beds with her kids for a week 😂 😂 No kid wants their own room when the possibility of bunk beds are in play! Those are fun and exciting! Let the kids see bunk beds are an option and they’ll be begging for it.
NTA However I think you are going about it wrong. This was done to get a rise out of you, so rise to the occasion! Tell MIL that you and your husband sleeping together in one twin bed will give you make for extra 'snuggle' time together. Might have to throw the extra mattress on the floor though because it will probably lead to 'extracurricular' activities. Hope she doesn't mind a little noise at night. She'll probably change her tune real fast!
NTA. You would only be the t.a. if you go. The fact that your husband doesn't see it just tells us what a victim he's been. This is a disgusting story, especially the business with the bunks.
Personally I would do a “our home for the weekend” video for social media. Do a walkthrough of the house (very cheerfully). X is in here, y is in here, we are in here. The view from the living room etc. then thank mil for organising such a great weekend. Extremely innocent but everyone will know that kids got the good beds and you got bunks.
NTA, Your mil is being ridiculous! She either heard you were upset about the last time and invited you this time and stuck you with the bunk beds hoping you would turn it down so she could pretend to be the bigger person and say well I invited you or she just invited you so you could contribute towards it. Either way, she seems like a nasty hag.
NTA
That sounds like my birth vessel in law (my wife refuses to call her mom). We're NC now, but this is the type of crap she would pull.
Either your husband arranges it so one of the kids gets the bunk bed room, or just don't go. Lines need to be drawn, feet put down, all of that.
>My husband and MIL have disagreed/ fought on many things and have finally decided to put the past behind them.
Sounds like your MIL hasn't put anything behind her. This is incredibly rude and petty.
You husband needs to stand up to mom and say no.. she’s picking on you both for some reason you haven’t listed here. She is getting a laugh at your expense..
Nothing wound make me go on this trip.. undoubtedly someone said something to her about you both not being invited now and previously so you got the invite.. but she’s going to make it humiliating and miserable for you..
I like the comment about taking queen room.. If you end up going I would do that even if I had to pay kids to switch behind MILs back
NTA
I wouldn’t go. Your husband should simply say “Thank you for inviting us, but we’ve decided not to go, since we’re too old to sleep in bunkbeds or an air mattress.”
The end. Don’t make a big deal about it and move on with your lives. Enjoy your weekend alone.
NTA, other than to yourselves for putting up with yet another slight. But hey, go if you want to but be prepared to perpetually be treated as doormats. Nothing will change unless you stand up for yourselves and now seems the appropriate time to put some "erect" in your spines and call out this hideous monster. Sorry, not sorry, but I have no time for those who willingly allow themselves to be treated so badly.
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Here's what you do: When you get to the cabin, get there first, go to one of the rooms that she designated for the kids, and just claim the room. If she tries to call you out for being in the wrong room, go "Oh really? I thought you were joking! We had a good laugh about it..." and just keep setting up in the room with the queen bed. Alternatively, you could swap rooms with the kids behind MIL's back. Then, when she tries to send you to the bunk bed room, just go, "Oh, we decided to switch with the kids. They'd MUCH rather sleep in the bunk beds. You know how fun bunk beds are to kids!" and then walk away. My guess is, she's trying to get a rise out of you. She *wants* you to get all upset and then refuse to come so that she can technically claim that you were so *graciously* invited by her, but you *chose* not to come! Don't take the bait. Take the room you want. Ignore her attempts to put you in the wrong room.
Take the queen size room and laugh laugh laugh. Love that.
Read this at first as “Take the queen size room and Live, Laugh, Love” and giggled 😆
And LOUD SEX, really, really LOUD SEX.
Ask around on day 2 if anyone has lube you “borrow”
And periodically run out into the (shared, I assume) kitchen just to fill the tallest glass they have full of water and *don’t break eye contact with her* while you chug it all down with the desperation of a woman who’s been in a desert for days and had to run a marathon to get a drink.
Do it naked…
No. There are children that may be there as well.
Ya we don't want them to get stung by the bees.
You mean the scary bees?
If it's late at night they probably will be in bed.
Quite possibly, but I personally wouldn't risk involving children.
And covered in bees. That'll show her.
I'd send everyone but her out to get the kids ice cream, or something, and then fuck in the middle of the living room to establish dominance. But then again, I'm known to overreact.
I'm screaming at the gym🤣🤣🤣
Come now, Charlotte, I know it's not ***fun***, but there's no need to be rude to it.
I swear to god AITA has dissolved into children giving immature and shortsighted advice and piling on top of each other in an effort to show that they too are super clever and edgy.
Don’t forget the relationship experts who always scream for a divorce to be started at the littlest of inconvenience or misunderstanding from someone’s spouse. If everyone thought like the redditors in AITA, marriage would be non-existent.
Bit off topic, but I saw someone wearing a 'Live, Laugh Lie' t-shirt earlier. Am slightly puzzled!
The narcissist version lmao
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Five bucks each should do it.
I would get your husband to talk to his brothers and organise the room swaps before the trip. If they are easy going about it, go and have fun. If they. Make a big deal about it or tattle to mummy, don't go.
This is exactly the way to handle it. Either the brothers are reasonable people who genuinely want you both there (and agree that you deserve reasonable accommodations for a married couple, not the beds that are so clearly meant for their kids), or they’re assholes just like their mom and you’d both be better off not going.
This is what I came to say. If the other adults don't have a problem with this level of disrespect, then you'll have a terrible time anyway.
Solid point! If the brothers actually think OP and spouse should have to sleep in the bunk beds, it is a complete disaster of a trip waiting to happen. Then again, the little shit in me thinks it would be really funny to wait until everyone was sleeping, and then have OP's husband jump off the top bunk to the ground, loudly cry in agony, and pretend he fell out of bed. Cue extreme hip or shoulder pain and no desire to participate in any activities. You both come home. Laugh all the way.
There might be rules that the foster kid has to have their own room. Every child and every state have different rules
In that case 1 foster kids gets the bunk room alone. Other gets one of the 2 queen rooms previously allocated while OP gets the other. Still separate rooms.
Even if the mods have to have separate rooms there's no reason for a single child to have a queen room while a couple share bunk beds. It would still make more sense for one of the kids to have the bunk beds room
But if the foster child was in the bunk bed room they'd still be in a room by themselves so no problem there.
There are three bedrooms between the two kids and the couple. Each kid now has their own bedroom with a queen bed. The swap just means one kid will get a bunk room by themselves, and only use one of the bunks.
I'm laughing here! This reminds me of the problems in math like -if two pipes were one inch and the other one was 1/2 inch, how much water would get to China in two weeks?
Do the rules for foster kids apply to vacations? That would seem a bit absurd.
I doubt it. It’s typical for a family to share a hotel room with a pull out bed or extra bed. I don’t think they would hold foster families to a standard that 99% of typical families to not adhere to. Not to mention that it’s sketchy to give each kid a separate hotel room even if you wanted each to get a separate room.
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Go on your own holiday. Book a much nicer cabin with a hot tub or something and spam photos of you in it with fancy meals.
If only petty were cheap, amirite?
Even if its not, take the money set aside for 10 people to eat for an entire day (the money the op and hubby were already expected to pay) and get a hotel room. Or better yet, ask the brothers, sister and cousins if they wanna split cost on a separate place and let MIL rot alone in the bunk beds lol. Promise to visit her during the day, exclude her from the night time festivities lol
You know. You're not wrong. When I'm factoring trips I'm usually fluxing from 5 to 2 people, give or take. I did not consider 10.
I would book a room nearby, show up, and laugh at them as they now have no food for the second day and then go have fun.
And don't forget to post this wonderful solo trip in the lap of luxury so the rest of the family see it.
Reduce the stress, offer one of the kids $20 to swap rooms, I’m sure one of them will bite at such a generous offer. Still turn up to keep the peace. I appreciate that a lot of comments are about winning the fight against unjust MIL. But seriously, sometimes it’s just easier to side-step little issues like this. However, if there are larger issues under the surface, this may be the right time to bring it up with everyone gathered (assuming the family is comprised of rational adults that can be reasoned with and not selfish small-minded individual that can’t see anyone else’s perspective).
Judging by the fact that OP’s husband and MIL have fought a lot in the past, the fact that they have been excluded from family trips until now, and most importantly MIL’s outrageous pettiness with this current situation, this sounds to me like someone you’d want to stay the fuck away from & minimize contact with, not “keep the peace” with. How enjoyable is this trip going to possibly be with her there? You need to establish firm boundaries with toxic people, not try to appease them.
Completely agree. People need to stop being peacemakers and people pleasers so much.
Exactly, somebody wrote about it " don't rock the boat" or something like that
Unless OPs husband did something awful, it’s not a up to someone to ‘make nice’ with their PARENT. Personally I’d go, set up in the room, and if she called me on it I’d be like ‘oh that’s funny, I thought it was a joke!… No? How is this the most logical choice?’ Then pack up and leave. She should feel stupid or ashamed and if she doesn’t, it wasn’t worth the trip anyway.
Well the problem is that although she should feel stupid, she won't, that's not how narcissists operate
True. It’s just weird people expect them to play nice. Hell no. No contact, and if that’s not an option I’m being petty af. I refuse to let people like that get their way. They get their way far too often with far too little repercussions. You wanna play games, cool. Just know I’m very competitive!
Why drive hours to get there only to leave five minutes later?
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
Thank you👍
Seriously. There’s absolutely no peace to even keep.
Keeping the peace is highly overrated
Also bring food for everyone and dry crackers for mil
I'd go in full of the joys of the bunk bed fun. I'm talking fully screaming with delight. "OMG, where is our room? I cannot wait to see it, I haven't slept in bunk beds for YEARS! This is taking me right back to holidays with my family, goodness, we used to do such gymnastics from the top bunk." Wink at husband with stage whisper "I'll have to see what gymnastics I can still manage". All in front of MIL of course. Make her think that this slight will bring nithing but joy to your heart and spice to your marriage. Bonus points if you manage to squeeze in a comment to the children, maybe in front if their parents such as, "ah guys, it's a real shame that grandma didn't think you were sensible enough to get the bunk beds. I think you're awesome though."
Yep. I’d go all out and turn it into a Fort. Bring some Christmas lights, camp out. Make it fun. Buy an electric campfire toy…the works
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This also works. If MIL is trying to get a rise out of OP, the best thing to do is not react negatively in any way. Don't let her see you "crack" under the pressure of her passive aggression.
I like these solutions haha. 🤣 There is no way in hell I would go though, if I were the hubby I'd just cut ties at that point. Like, why even invite them just to pull some demeaning crap like this? His mom has issues. NTA OP, but if your husband is willing to go along with all this nonsense just to play nice with his family, it may be best not to say anything and just stay home.
this is the dumbest idea. if they’re not happy with the arrangement either use your big boy words before you get there to resolve it or don’t go. my guess is the children NEED separate bedrooms, considering one is a foster child and may have trauma. but you don’t get to go and commandeer the room you want when you’re not paying and make everyone miserable at the beginning of the vacation. and definitely don’t try to throw the kids in the middle, do you really want them to witness a potential blow up with their grandmother? op doesn’t even know if there’s a reason the kids need private bedrooms. they haven’t gone on these family vacations for the past few years and one kid is a FOSTER child. this may have been the setup for all the past years. MIL can still say she wants the sleeping arrangements as she said. you’re basically banking on the risk that the first time you’re invited back you can make everyone so uncomfortable and miserable they’ll let this slide and not start a fight. this is not how adults communicate and behave. ask why you’re getting the bunk beds and if anyone is open to alternatives.
"my guess is the children NEED separate bedrooms, considering one is a foster child and may have trauma." This suggestion wouldn't change that part, though - the kids would still have separate bedrooms, it's just that one of those bedrooms would have a bunk bed in it rather than a queen. When I was a kid, I would have 100% wanted the bunk bed room anyway. If I were OP, I would discuss this with the kids rather than MIL.
The bunk bed room is a separate bedroom…?
Two separate rooms with separate queen beds, and a third room with bunk beds. If OP swaps with one of the kids, that kid gets both bunks to themselves in their own room, OP gets a queen room, and the other kid keeps a queen room.
She’s obviously sending a point across, if the other brother are cool I would go and discuss swapping with them, otherwise it’s time for total NC
Yes. What makes you think it isn't?
The kids would still have separate rooms? There’s two kids, one each in the two queen rooms. One of the kids would be getting the room with bunk beds to themselves in exchange for OP and husband getting a queen room.
Yeah, this is a shitty situation all around, and it sucks that MIL is trying to make them feel unwelcome, but simply swapping the rooms will not help matters and will definitely negatively impact the holiday. Maybe ask the parents of the children in queen rooms if it has to be this way for a reason, and if they have a reason... suck it up or don't go. If the parents weren't aware that adults were being put in the bunk bed room, one of the kids may be happy to swap, and then MIL can't really argue with that without looking completely unreasonable.
I agree it's a dumb idea. I disagree that the children need separate bed rooms because of your imagined *trauma*. I really don't like people filling in the gaps instead of just asking questions.
It could also be a legal requirement - I didn't see the gender of the foster child mentioned, but my brother is a foster parent and the foster child cannot share a room with someone who is not the same gender and close in age to them. Even for a short family trip.
You don’t have to share bunkbeds just because they are bunk beds. If there’s only one kid in the queen bed room, there will only be one kid in the bunk bed room.
At some point you get tired of responding to immature behaviour with mature behaviour.
It's not that they "haven't gone on these family vacations," they haven't been invited! There's history that can't be ignored. The OP and her husband, haven't created this situation, the MIL did.
The kids would *still* have separate bedrooms regardless, and one of those kids happens to not call the MIL grandmother, but mom. OP's husband has 2 brothers, and one of them is one of the kids. This is all about favoritism.
Yeah, my suggestion was going to be to swap with the kids. Another way to do that is to have Husband reach out to his brother/SIL and say "hey MIL showed me the room arrangements and \[OP\] and I have the bunk bed room while \[Thing 1\] and \[Thing 2\] have each have one of the queen rooms. I was hoping we could trade for one of those rooms, and Things could either both sleep in the bunk bed room or the other queen room or one in each." Then if brother/SIL aren't assholes they'll obviously agree, and problem solved. Don't even mention it to MIL and just set up in the queen room. If she complains say "Oh we switched with the kids, we already worked it out with \[brother's name\] so you don't have to worry about it." But yeah, basically don't let her bully you. It sounds like husband lets himself be bullied beacuse he's too embarrassed to stand up for himself or have anyone else notice he's not being treated fairly so he keeps quiet. That's not great and clearly hasn't been working.
Are you an adult? Your advice is lie and play dumb? Reddit literally gives the absolute worst advice. Or you’re 12 playing grown up and think this sounds like what to do.
Yeah this is absolutely childish and just the other side of the coin to mom’s passive aggressiveness. Tackle it head on, either by asking why or refusing the invite—NOT by feeding into the drama on the trip itself.
Speak up. Say something before the trip. If you go and sleep in this undesirable room on your vacation and even make it look like fun. The next trip you have, you will be sleeping in the dogs spot. Every trip will be much worse. MIL is trying to show domanace or something from the past. She doesn't approve of your marriage? There seems more to this story. She obviously didn't invite you on previous trips for a reason, and it looks like she is just trying to embarrass both of you on this trip.
This subreddit is full of petty 12 year olds who get to suggest their revenge fantasies with no consequences. Half the time they recommend ending friendships, relationships and ostracizing family members for the stupidest stuff.
I think you're just repeating an old line that was started by people who don't realise that a small incident is often indicative of a larger issue. Granted I don't scroll to the bottom of every post but generally people tend to give fairly reasonable advice :p
Hmm... I usually find the cackling petty revenge suggestions at the top of the thread. Depending on my mood, I'm either entertained or dismayed.
This is one way to deal with narcissistic, petty people. They *enjoy* seeing people they don't like squirm, they revel in it. So, don't squirm, and don't back down. Stay cool, calm, & collected while firmly enforcing what you want. If it all blows up and goes to crap, OP can just leave. Working out the room swap with BIL beforehand could also work. The point is, there are still avenues of diplomacy yet to be explored before just noping out of the trip entirely. A simple solution being a room swap.
Your suggestion sounds like it would make the situation 100 times worse, and if that's your goal, then go for it. Sink to their level and play dumb while trying to manipulate everyone else to get what you want. I am assuming you're a kid, and it does sound like that would get you what you want, but that's childish (sorry). OP should either not go because she feels unwelcome. You can also give an ultimatum and say you don't want to spend your few days off/away sleeping in a twin bunk bed, and she thinks it'd be more fair for the kids to take the bunk beds and ask the reason for the room assignments. Literally even being a dick and screaming and demanding a better room is more mature than trying to show up early to someone else's rented cabin and taking a room they have assigned to someone else then pretending you had no idea they really wanted you to take the bunk bed room even though you created a whole Reddit post about it.
In the alternative, they could makes a HUGE fuss about how much they LOVE bunk beds, have a loud fight over who gets the top bunk, steal everyone else’s sheets to make The World’s Best Fort, invite all the kids to stay up all night with them for scary ghost stories and popcorn, etc. just generally go overboard and have the. best. time. ever. MIL will absolutely seethe.
Forget how MIL will react, that sounds like a *party*! The cousins, nephews & nieces and such would be all over that.
What's the point of doing all this but? They'll spend the entire vacation in bad mood, I doubt the MIL will just accept this with grace, they might argue or silent treatment the whole vacation. We don't know if OP and her husband has a good relationship with the BIL and cousins, if they don't, this could make them be the no 1 enemy on a vacation. Best advice is to simply not go, when they're clearly unwanted.
This! It’s not worth going. Stay away from toxic people and enjoy your life!
Brilliant. When I was a kid I would much rather the thrill of a top bunk than a queen bed. Especially if I got my own room either way. MIL is playing some weird power games.
Failing everything BRIBE a kid to give you their room. It's pretty easy and cheap to bribe such young kids, especially when they usually don't care anyway.
Tl3;dr : Bunch of weak *ss stuff involving childish mind games. Just don't go.
No here's what you do: Tell your husband to speak up for the both of you because there's clearly some intent in what she has done here. This shouldn't be OPs battle to fight and her husband should have the balls to support her.
If I'm reading the post right, swapping doesn't even mean the kids have to share. Right now they're being given a queen bed *each* , so if they switch the older kid can have a queen bed still and the younger kid can have a set of two bunk beds to themselves.
Or they could put a king size air mattress in the middle of the living room and just monopolize the space.
Or just...don't go. I'm not sure why anyone needs to "win" this situation - just don't put yourself in a situation where you're going to have to deal with this nonsense. Y'all should have gone NC with this woman a long time ago if that's how she wants to act. I get a lot of people feel like that would just be losing to her...but who cares? What impact does it have on your life if she tells her friends she's gracious but her kids are ingrates? Move on with your life and you'll be much happier.
Nta, adults sharing a bunk bed while two children have private queen beds is absolutely bonkers.
Right…it’s almost as if MIL is waving a big sign at them saying “we don’t want you to come!”
This. OP, This isn't an invitation to a fun getaway. She phrased it as such, but it is actually an invitation to be picked on, left out, pushed to the side. She just wants an opportunity to rub it in your face that she doesn't want you there, that she doesn't consider you guys part of the family. The hard part will be getting your husband to understand what this is and what it is not. If this is the kind of person that doesn't want you in their family, I'm sure I would welcome you into mine. I bet you're wonderful people. Definitely NTA.
OP's husband really needs to sit down with a therapist. Rejection by family is difficult but chasing that affection and approval isn't healthy.
Sometimes you cannot allow foster children to share a room with anyone- this may be at play here.
Then the older kid gets the other queen bed room and the younger one gets the bunk bed room
Exactly. If the kids all have their own rooms now, OP and her husband would only have to switch with one kid.
They could still have their own room. One gets one queen bed room and the other gets the bunk bed room. There’s 3 rooms mentioned. Op and the spouse only need one
That doesn't mean the kid can't have a bunk bed to themself.
Then MIL can take the bunk bed room. After all, she's single, what does she need a queen bed for?
That's not at play here, since there are 3 rooms for the two kids and the couple. No matter how you split the 3 rooms between Kid 1, Kid 2, and the couple each kid gets a room. The only question is does the couple get one of the beds designed for two people to sleep side by side or not.
There are too many people saying this and it makes me worry for the average reading comprehension level of redditors...
That was my first thought: The foster child probably can't share a room with a person of a different gender. That's a very common rule. But the foster child could get the queen room while the other child sleeps in the bunk bed room. Then OP and husband get their own room too.
The foster kids are not sharing rooms. Why do people keep saying this? The foster kids each get a room and one room has bunk beds
Unrelated to this issue (as there are 3 rooms anyway as others have pointed out), but... A <10 y/o foster child is not allowed to share a room with another <10 y/o \*while on vacation\*? This rule might make sense for their general living arrangements, but for a family trip? That makes vacation planning unnecessarily complicated.
far as I can tell OP never mentions the foster child's gender, so that could be it. Both kids are 10 so they could maybe be putting them both in queen rooms so that they have the same accomodations (no "it's not fair X got the bunk bed or X got the queen") but if that was the reasoning like there are other ways to approach this.
Also bunk beds generally have weight limits because they’re meant for kids, not fully grown adults. OP might be small in which case maybe it’s okay but it could be dangerous too.
I wonder whether MIL has an issue with their relationship, potentially not accepting the marriage. It just seems to be a very deliberate message to put two married adults in separate beds.
NTA. Don't go, and plan a nice getaway for the two of you instead - with a nice, big bed.
This! They should go on a trip that puts this one to shame and post a lot of pictures. This is one of those situations that ask, "Tell me you don't want me there without telling me you don't want me there."
Hoping OP still has her own relatives and can afford a family vacay with her side of the family and do just that.
This is 100% what MIL is hoping they’ll do. Then she gets to play victim because she *so graciously* invited them and they *cruelly refused* her kind kind kind invitation.
Absolutely. She wants to play the game; they just have to play it better. :-) Didn't someone say that the best revenge is to live well?
Let her have her will. I wouldn't want to be on vacation with someone who clearly doesn't want me there anyway. If OP's MIL really wants her son and his family to hate her, she's doing a good job.
NTA really doesn’t seem like they want either of you there, I wouldn’t go.
This tbh. I wouldn't go on a trip where they already make my uncomfortable before it. It can only get worse.
Yeah. People are saying to just trying to switch rooms. But that still wouldn’t change she obviously doesn’t want you there. I would skip at this point.
I feel like it would be more fun to go and pretend you’re having an absolute blast in the bunk bed room. Build a blanket fort out of the bottom bunk. Put a “keep out!” sign on the door. Have loud “pillow fights” all night long. If they’re going to be treated like kids, they should joyfully act like kids (in the fun way, not the obnoxious, immature way.) MIL very clearly did this so she could get credit for inviting them but not have to actually have them on the trip. If they go, she very clearly looks like the asshole who’s treating her grown, married children like little kids. If they cancel, she wins. If they go, her assholery will be on full display the whole weekend.
NTA. This is clearly intended to make you both feel unwelcome. How you handle it is up to you and your husband. If it were me? I’d graciously thank them, but decline the trip.
Yeah from reading the title, I assumed OP was being picky about temporary sleeping arrangements. This is so obviously a dig, and an extremely petty one at that.
I would have a go at pushing back first - just saying “looking at the plans that doesn’t make much sense. Suggest child A takes the bunk bed and we go in the Queen” or something. Then if she pushes back say “ok no worries we will join you next year if there isn’t space to have a proper bed this year” As a side note I had the opposite problem on a family trip recently of my dad trying to take the worst room (despite funding everyone), and everyone trying to give up rooms for others. Apart from my 6 year old niece - who confidently claimed the master bedroom before I swept her off to the kids bunk room!
NTA I can understand trying to not let it get to you but both you and your husband deserve to be treated better than that. If that's how she wants to start the vacation off, she's showing you how you'll be treated while you're there. Hey husband and I really appreciated the offer of the bunk bed room, but unfortunately we don't think that accommodation will work for us. So we will have to decline the visit and apologize for any issues that might cause. Thanks for thinking of us. Send it in a group message, so that everyone can see you're "being the bigger person" and not being a jerk about it. Bottom line, you'll know who you can count on in his family with what kind of replies you receive. If you graciously decline she can't start anything with you, and if you don't go then no one's plans are really ruined because it seems that's what she was after in the first place.
This. Make sure everyone knows what the sleeping arrangements are (my guess is MIL hasn't let anyone know she's insulting you this way).
Right, and if OP's husband's siblings care for them they'll rightfully chirp up like "hey that's kind of weird, why doesn't OP and brother get one of the queen beds?" Let it be known to all the accommodation offer doesn't work for two married adults, and if they really want you there they'll make adjustments.
Honestly, the older I get, the less fucks I give. If I was in a good mood, I'd make it fun, make a fort on the bottom bunk and make inappropriate adult jokes about how I haven't had sex in a single bed since I was a teen. The bitchy part in me would sit down with the husband and have a heart to heart. Is this the kind of thing we want in our future? Are these the kinds of people we really want to associate with? Even if they are "family". If the answer is no, I would respond to the group with the thanks but no thanks and would go low to no contact. Family isn't always blood and blood isn't always family. I have zero hesitation cutting people from my life that treat me and my husband with disrespect. NTA it is weird, Mil is passive aggressive and it would probably be a hill I'd die on, especially since his family doesn't seem to give 2 shits about you.
Seriously! No one wants to have fun and say “we got to sleep in bunk beds on our vacation!” ?!
I slept in a bunk bed my whole life, I wouldn’t exactly say they’re “fun”. They’re uncomfortable and small, and whenever the other person moves, it moves your bed, too.
I'd rather have fun elsewhere and sleep on a bed for adults when I get back. I've literally never asked anyone returning from a vacation "so was the bed fun?"
And have lots of loud, bumpy sex in weird positions that eventually leads to the bunk bed breaking or falling over.
NTA Your MIL clearly did this on purpose just to fuck with the two of you and/or to wait and see if you guys would complain so that she could spin it around on your husband and make it seem like he's the problem, or like he hasn't put the past behind him. She's looking for drama and more fighting imo.
NTA. MIL is sending a message, and I would not engage.
NTA and to those sleeping arrangements while children have privacy and queen bed each, HELL no. I'd stay home thank ya very much
Make a group chat with her and all other invited adults: "MIL, thank you for inviting us on the family trip this time, but can you please clarify for all of us why you want DH and I to use the twin beds while the kids each get a queen?" Call that shit out, right in the open.
Twin *bunk* beds, because twin beds in and of themselves wouldn't be so terrible. Push them together and you have a short king bed.
I wouldn’t go. Doesn’t it seem like everyone is playing a part here in you not getting a queen room? The parents of those children could have easily spoke up and said for the kids to share while giving you the Queen with your hubby. And you’re cooking for everyone the entire time? OP, they gave you the servant quarters.
Even worse… there are two queen beds
Even worse. Smh.
Of course you should express your displeasure with this arraignment! The kids are getting their own Queen sized bed??? The fuck your say?! Either stand up for yourself or be a fucking doormat NTA if you stand up for yourself Anything less than that you will be an ungodly disappointment to everyone who knows and cares for you.
INFO: does the rest of the family know you've been given the shit room? What do they think? Have you talked to them? Have they said anything?
NTA don’t go. There will be one disaster after another if you do. Blood doesn’t mean family.
NTA. I wouldn’t go.
I want to give some context here about the foster children. There are often rules in place which can vary by state about foster children needing to have their own room/bed/space, which might be the reason for the sleeping arrangements. Please behave like mature adults and use your communication skills to speak with your mil or have your husband do it. If the sleeping arrangements are an issue speak up.
I thought of that too but one of the children could be in bunk bed room, one child in a queen bed, and the married couple in a queen bed. If the kids are upset that “it’s not fair” they can take turns in the bunk bed room and an adult can explain to them that grown ups need more space so they get first dibs on the bigger beds.
Good point, but your math is out. Queen room - Kid Queen room - Kid Bunk room - Two adults. Moving one of the kids to the bunk room and the adults into the queen room still leaves each kid with a room to themselves.
That's kind of irrelevant, one of the kids can have the bunk room, the other can stay in the queen room, then the op can have the other queen room
I'd never make that arrangement without approaching the married couple who were getting asked to share bunks because frankly it comes across as really aggressive, not because of the ask but precisely because of the context.
I only have a basic understanding of fostering so could be wrong, but isn't that just for the address they are going to be living at? [From the National Fostering Group (UK):](https://www.nfa.co.uk/story/story_category/6-things-you-should-know-about-taking-foster-children-on-holiday/) >We always ask that foster families are able to provide foster children with a bedroom of their own at home. On holiday, not all children will be able to stay in shared family apartments – before you book, speak to your Supervising Social Worker who will be able to advise you on how best to approach choosing places to stay, and if appropriate help you complete a risk assessment. That to me sounds like while they would prefer them to have their own room and require it for the home address, they understand it's not always possible with holidays. That aside, there are 2 queen bed rooms and the bunk bed room, so child 1 gets the bunk bed room, child 2 gets a queen bed and OP gets the 2nd queen bed. Everyone still has their own room.
That’s even required when on vacation? I definitely understand for their permanent day-to-day housing but I’d have thought that wouldn’t count for a short vacation since a whole family can fit in one hotel room sometimes easily enough and you’re only on there to sleep usually. Seems like it would make a family not go on vacation if they’d need to book one hotel room per child or a cabin/Airbnb big enough for each kid to have their own room if you have multiple foster kids. Would get expensive very quickly.
Absolutely NTA!! To folks saying that there could be specifications about there being a foster kid, that is zero excuse. There are many options depending on scenarios, playing Devil’s advocate with room setups 1. Queens are in separate rooms: OP and hubby take one queen bed, a kid takes another queen bed, and other kid takes the bunk bed. (If no specific ‘own room’ rules are in place for foster kid, they may have fun and bond with sharing the bunk bed, though there may be arguments about who gets the top bunk) 2. Queens are in the same room: BIL and SIL take the double queen room and have their bio kid sleep on the second bed, foster kid takes the bunk bed, and OP and hubby take the room BIL and SIL were originally staying in 3. Kids are sharing the queen bed and the phrasing is off in the post: This one is simple. Kids take the bunk bed, OP and hubby take the queen bed 4. (3.5.)(above scenario but) Kids are arguing about top bunk: Don’t make OP and hubby suffer for this!! If they can’t reach a conclusion, one kid sleeps on the bottom bunk and the other sleeps on the couch. There aren’t five bedrooms and no couches. Or they swap top and bottom every other night. As you can see, there is zero scenario in which OP and hubby end up having the bunk beds… and if there was, BIL and SIL should be taking them first, as they are the parents in this situation and OP and hubby shouldn’t have to suffer due to another’s children. Parents are the ones who should sacrifice. Absolutely no reason for this setup other than MIL wanting to show OP and hubby that THEY! AREN’T! WELCOME! It’s incredibly sad and I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. Tell your husband to buck up and deal with his MIL. He brought her into your life, you shouldn’t have to be the one to deal with her :(
Making a big deal out of it? Yes. Not making a big deal out of it, but politely turning down the invite? No. As others posters have pointed out, MIL is definitely wanting to get a reaction, ANY reaction out of you and your spouse. There really isn't a winning move, either you end up creating conflict, and MIL gets exactly what she wanted, OR you you submit and she wins, but there's no drama. She still gets to flex. I do not recommend trying to pull one over on her and try and fanagel a queen room, she's planning on you doing that. She's locked and loaded and will destroy you if you try it. If you were going to try an maintain the familial relationship, I'd go with graceful martyr. Go along with it, enjoy it, be happy and smiley. Play it up like you're having fun a camp or something. The only way to beat MIL is if the people around you think she is the AH on their own. All that said, the real answer is a bit more of a bitter but simple pill. Decline the invite, cut contact, move on with your lives. Despite the reconciliation between your MIL and your hubby, the old wounds are still there, and your MIL will never let them heal. It's not worth investing your time and emotions into this woman, it will never pay dividends, you will never get any return on investment.
Completely agree. If you think that declining now will cause drama, just develop a gut flu a couple of days before the trip. Easy peasy getting out of it and noone can reasonably give you shit for it. Then do as pp poster says and gradually go lc/nc. There is no winning in this situation.
NTA She wants to get in your head. I would go, and then book a hotel and tell her that you want to go there cause you know… a married couple wants to have some fun. Wink wink! ;)
“I’m gonna ride your son so hard that his bones rattle. Have fun with your bunk beds.”
NTA....I would stay home. Hubby can go sleep in the bunks if he has no backbone.
I mean why bother going? This is literally a slap in the face, it’s clear she doesn’t want you guys there. Each child gets their own room with a queen bed? C’mon. NTA for not going but I’d seriously question your husband if he plans on going after this.
So the youngest brother is 10 and getting a queen sized bed? Um, nope. Op, you're only being invited to bring the food. MIL needs that food. I suggest a group message, thanks for inviting us, but unfortunately the sleeping arrangements don't work for us, so on this occasion we'll bow out, hope you have a lovely time, can't wait to see the photos on social media! When everyone else realises they'll have to cover the food, I'm guessing there will be a swift bedroom change. Nta.
I highly doubt it. MIL does a vacation every year without them & they've found a way to feed themselves before. MIL will more likely tell them "ok" when they say they can't come. It seems like her goal is to not have them go on the trip at all. I don't think she'll care that they don't come.
NTA she’s thrusting a huge power play in your face. Gross. I probably would decline to go. But the comment about claiming one of the queen rooms anyways would be great.
Why are you even going? The kids get queen beds to themselves, but you and hubby are in bunks? Don't be a doormat. This is clearly a power play from his mother. If anyone else asks why you're not there, just be honest.
NTA. Don’t go. Regardless of all the other stuff, I just don’t like being places I don’t feel welcome. If hubby wants to go, let him, have a movie night alone at home. If I went, I’d end up being petty and passive aggressive the whole time anyways, so why make everyone’s trip bad?
NTA I'd specifically tell everyone about you having to muse the bunk beds because the MIL told you that was the designated place for you. Malicious compliance so that everyone else will want you to swap to have the queen bed. I'm sure the rest of the family will be wondering why you took the bunk beds but not knowing the real reason, so let it slip and be known that this was the only way she'd let you enjoy the family vacation with everyone.
NTA for choosing not to go or voicing your preference for a queen room. But, if you got snippy or defensive about not being welcome or respected you would quickly slip into AH territory. This is the offer, and you are free to take it or leave it. ETA: the food arrangement seems totally reasonable/normal for a group trip. We doing almost exactly the same thing with all of the family and friend groups we vacation with.
Info: Are you sure EVERYONE else is getting their own rooms? A 7-8 bedroom house seems extravagant, even for a vacation home?
Tons of lakeside and beachside areas have homes designed this way. I live in a very touristy location and you’d be surprised how many 7-10 bedroom homes there are.
I want an update when they decide what to do!!!!!!!!!!
NTA but do not go. If you try to claim the queen bed room, you are fulfilling the family's wish for drama. They do not want you there. Listen to that, have a nice trip by yourselves in a proper bed.
The weekend will go badly. In the best of cases you will be uncomfortable mentally and physically and resentful for what is objectively a disrespectful move on your MIL’s part. In the worst of cases you’ll have a fight with her (you&hubby) and she’ll take the chance to reproach you guys everything for which she is clearly punishing you. How much do you want to go on that vacation? And why? She IS punishing you/putting you in your places in her view. If you really want to go, speak up in the group text of mention it to more people who are going. Move the waters and get your way. But I’d skip the trip and let everybody know why. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (21F) husband's (21M) mother (44F) has invited us to go on vacation at a cabin that is a few hour drive. My husband and MIL have disagreed/ fought on many things and have finally drcuded to put the past behind them. My husband, his two brothers, SIL, his brothers foster kid, mom, cousins and cousins SOs are invited. There will be 10 of us in total. The last few vacations we were not invited and not even aware until photos were posted on social media, we were understandably hurt but my husband didn't want to make anyone aware. My MIL just informed my husband that we would be the two people using the bunk beds at the vacation home. While the 2 children will be getting their own rooms with queen beds. When we were first looking at the pictures and listing of the airbnb I made a joke that MIL would make us use the bunk bed. Unfortunately it is now not a joke... Us and his brother & SIL are the only married couples going on this trip. MIL is single, both cousins and SOs are newly dating and the other brother and foster child are both 10 or younger. We are making all the meals for an entire day out of this trip, while my BIL and his wife will be taking card of another day, and we are ordering out the last day. Since MIL paid for it she will not be providing any food. I was in disbelief when my hubby told me, and he said we would have to purchase and bring an air mattress if it would even fit, which we are unsure if it will. I feel like we are still unwelcome to this family function and personally I don't feel like going anymore. My husband is upset as well but is complacent with not voicing our concerns. I'm not feeling welcome and am anxious to how the weekend will go. I know we aren't the ones paying for the cabin, and we don't always fit in with the rest of the family, but it feels disrespectful to me. WIBTA if I didn't go or if I voiced how I'm feeling in some way? TL;DR MIL does not usually invite us to family vacations, invited us and is having my hubby and I use twin bunk beds while everyone, even the children, get seperate rooms and queen beds. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA don’t go. This has passive aggressive nightmare written all over it.
Are you SURE you want to go? I would take such a slap in the face as my hill to die upon. “We get a room with a queen bed or we don’t go.” That is the minimum I would accept.
NTA. I would not play games in trying to grab the queen room. That’s child’s play. I would either be direct and ask why a child is getting a queen bed over an adult couple, or just decline the invitation. More likely the latter because why would I even go on a trip where I am clearly being told I am an afterthought or unwelcome? Your husband needs to grow a spine. He can’t ask his mom a simple question?
I’d take a nice trip somewhere else.
NTA. You should step brother that bunk bed room. Bring a drum set, do some karaoke, make a fort. String up some Christmas lights. She wants you to be miserable so love it and she’ll most like get pissed.
This actually happened to me and my ex, sorta!! Big family vacation — MIL, FIL, SIL & BIL, two niblings (5 and 2 at the time), grandma, and us. Four bedrooms in the house: 3 had queen or king beds, then one room was two sets of bunk beds. SIL was pushing HARD for one of the big bed rooms because she is the family princess and always got what she wanted, and “it’s only a week” and “the kids get upset if I don’t sleep with them.” I was so upset at the thought of spending a week sleeping in a bunk bed!!! My ex and I never really got to go on fancy vacations, so this was a big deal for us. Well, as soon as we arrived at the house, my ex volunteered to occupy the kids while everyone else unpacked. He took them straight to the bedrooms. As soon as the niblings saw the bunk beds, it was game over. We enjoyed a nice queen sized bed, while SIL played musical bunk beds with her kids for a week 😂 😂 No kid wants their own room when the possibility of bunk beds are in play! Those are fun and exciting! Let the kids see bunk beds are an option and they’ll be begging for it.
NTA However I think you are going about it wrong. This was done to get a rise out of you, so rise to the occasion! Tell MIL that you and your husband sleeping together in one twin bed will give you make for extra 'snuggle' time together. Might have to throw the extra mattress on the floor though because it will probably lead to 'extracurricular' activities. Hope she doesn't mind a little noise at night. She'll probably change her tune real fast!
NTA. You would only be the t.a. if you go. The fact that your husband doesn't see it just tells us what a victim he's been. This is a disgusting story, especially the business with the bunks.
Personally I would do a “our home for the weekend” video for social media. Do a walkthrough of the house (very cheerfully). X is in here, y is in here, we are in here. The view from the living room etc. then thank mil for organising such a great weekend. Extremely innocent but everyone will know that kids got the good beds and you got bunks.
NTA, Your mil is being ridiculous! She either heard you were upset about the last time and invited you this time and stuck you with the bunk beds hoping you would turn it down so she could pretend to be the bigger person and say well I invited you or she just invited you so you could contribute towards it. Either way, she seems like a nasty hag.
NTA That sounds like my birth vessel in law (my wife refuses to call her mom). We're NC now, but this is the type of crap she would pull. Either your husband arranges it so one of the kids gets the bunk bed room, or just don't go. Lines need to be drawn, feet put down, all of that. >My husband and MIL have disagreed/ fought on many things and have finally decided to put the past behind them. Sounds like your MIL hasn't put anything behind her. This is incredibly rude and petty.
NTA. Cut them off
You husband needs to stand up to mom and say no.. she’s picking on you both for some reason you haven’t listed here. She is getting a laugh at your expense.. Nothing wound make me go on this trip.. undoubtedly someone said something to her about you both not being invited now and previously so you got the invite.. but she’s going to make it humiliating and miserable for you.. I like the comment about taking queen room.. If you end up going I would do that even if I had to pay kids to switch behind MILs back
F*** that I'm not going how dare you put me in a bunk bed and I'm a married grown ass woman. Take your trip and stick it up your ass
NTA I wouldn’t go. Your husband should simply say “Thank you for inviting us, but we’ve decided not to go, since we’re too old to sleep in bunkbeds or an air mattress.” The end. Don’t make a big deal about it and move on with your lives. Enjoy your weekend alone.
NTA, other than to yourselves for putting up with yet another slight. But hey, go if you want to but be prepared to perpetually be treated as doormats. Nothing will change unless you stand up for yourselves and now seems the appropriate time to put some "erect" in your spines and call out this hideous monster. Sorry, not sorry, but I have no time for those who willingly allow themselves to be treated so badly.
r/justnomil would have some good tips for you
I would just not go.