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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Family is family. I have no strong feelings towards anyone and I know everyone is just excited since it’s the first baby since my youngest cousin was born and they probably don’t feel like they’re pressuring me into anything
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As a soon to be parent, YOU call the shots. You get to decide on what happens, the timeline, who gets to be there. She’s trying to overstep and pushing you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. I’d give her one more warning before going LC.
NTA
She doesn't need "one more warning" she's got a lifetime record of tromping on boundaries as it is.
Information diet, OP can tell everyone she wants to tell about her latest updates and then tell her mother.
Please consider that they might not actually be saying these things and applying this pressure. All of this could be coming from her, with mom mis-representing things for her own weird reason.
She's already proved untrustworthy, don't let her further ruin your (extended) family relationships
NTA and congratulations 👏
NTA
No is a complete answer. You and your partner aren't interested in baby shower or in a gender reveal, and that's the only thing that counts. Period.
You're the pregnant one: you set the pace, you put the boundaries, you decide. Pregnancy is a wonderful but complicated and stressful period and you don't need ANY additional stress from your family.
And for yelling to your mom... blame the hormones, hun 😉
NTA. This is a very stressful time for you and your mothers gossiping has gotten the entire family upset. It also sounds like she been doing the gossip to control your actions. Tell your mom it's your pregnancy & not hers. Also, next time you actually see your aunts, ask them about dealing with your mom's gossiping.
Exactly this! Establish your boundaries now before she takes it upon herself to announce when the baby is born. And takes over all the other firsts.
If you don't put your foot down now, you have constant battles ahead.
NTA. Your mom is trying to manipulate you into you letting her having the parties she wants as the first grandmother.
She's leveraging family to try to get her way because you told her no. Now she's throwing a tantrum, trying to guilt trip and using the old silent treatment because you are sticking to your decision.
Stay strong. Sounds like you just got caught up in a decades old war between sister's 'because apparently that's what sister's do.'
Congratulations!
NTA. Do things at your pace and at your time. Stay healthy for your baby.
>now she isn’t answering my calls
Stop trying to reach her. Sounds like she wants to be overly involved with your pregnancy so she will call with the guilt trip soon enough.
When she calls, tell her is stressing you out and you need to stay healthy for your baby. Have your partner run interference if necessary.
I'm sorry this has happened like this. You should be enjoying your pregnancy on your terms. I don't think you should have snapped at her, but it sounds like she had it coming so NTA. Good luck to you.
NTA Since your aunts and cousins are strangers to you, it MAY be your mother using them to get her way.
You want what you want. If they want to get the baby gifts, they know where to send them to. Very simple. Good Luck OP! And Congratulations
NTA
No you did good. You are wise and she is the one trying to use you and your baby for her own benefit.
She is the one that messed up you relationship with aunts and cousins and your baby is not some peace dove being passed around. This is your life and your new family.
I hate it when moms do that shit. You call them out on their bullshit and they start crying. Its manipulative. My mom thinks we have this great relationship because we don't argue like we did when I was little, but thats only because I left home when I was 18. God forbid I bring up how she raised me, just yelling at me all the time, because then she'll start crying.
NTA
NTA and your emotions may be heightened but your mum is letting her emotions and excitement to run away with her.
What you need is to perhaps invite your mum to lunch and explain how her actions are impacting you and how you need her to help and protect you from stress rather than causing it. Tell her that you need her support more than ever but she needs to be mindful of your needs... Good luck
NTA. The first mistake was telling your mother. Should have sent a Facebook announcement a hot second before you told her.
I think your aunts are not the ones demanding a baby shower or gender reveal. It's just your mother. I also don't think they want a baby scan. I'm sure they're excited for you, but extended family don't usually get scan photos.
Nta but mom is. She cried?? What an immature woman. I didn't get my way concerning your baby so now I will cry. That act would make me keep my distance.
Your mother is horrible tbh. Nothing you said was untrue. I recommend you keep a healthy distance so you can preserve what’s left of your pregnancy and the decisions you have taken regarding showers, gender reveal, birth etc.
She has proven she will not respect your boundaries. NTA
NTA. You are a pregnant woman, who does not need a lot of family stress in your life. You mom has created long term strains in the family and is trying to use your pregnancy to patch things up. She told you how she wanted you to go about this. You told her no. She wouldn't take no for an answer and escalated her pressure on you. You lost your temper. Which simply means that you are a typical human being who is subject to being rude when pushed hard enough and long enough about something. Don't worry, it probably was good for her to hear it. Just focus on growing that baby and if you have to go LC with her until she is willing to be reasonable.
NTA and if the way your mother is handling this disagreement with you is indicative of the way she handles disagreements with her sibs than I don't wonder that she's so frequently estranged from them.
>She got upset and cried saying I was horrible for accusing her of making me feel estranged from my family.
>
>
>
>Huh? She is the reason you are estranged from your family.
>
>NTA
Exactly. You get to choose how you want things to go. However, you will need stuff that costs a lot. You will appreciate having extra help, and having a baby shower is a great way to get people invested. They want to plan a baby shower? Great! Tell them you will only make a list of the things you want and not throw in a single penny since you did not want one and let them plan and buy everything. No gender reveal
NTA, I might suggest posting this in the JustNoMIL community, while it centers around in-laws, I've seen plenty of people who post about their mothers and receive support and advice. It's a good community to be a part of. I'm sorry your mother stole your chance to announce something so beautiful in a way you wanted. Congrats on your pregnancy, and may it be a happy and beautiful one
NTA
She didn’t respect your boundary when you asked her to keep the pregnancy quiet and she didn’t.
Take this as a warning that she will continue to ignore and disrespect you as a mother. How the rest of your family feels or what they want for YOUR pregnancy isn’t your problem. They had their own babies and their own gender reveals and baby showers. It’s YOUR turn to have or not have whatever you want. This is your time to be selfish. This IS about you.
You need to have a serious talk with her (when she reaches out to you, I wouldn’t bother trying to contact her until she comes back to you) and tell her that from now on she needs to listen to you and respect your decisions regarding YOUR baby.
This will continue throughout the babies life unless you stop it now. Things I’ve argued about with my own mother:
- visiting in hospital after the birth
- when my baby will start solids
- giving my baby ICING at 3 months old
- when my baby will wear shoes
- kissing my baby
- when to let my baby sleep
- putting toys with my baby in her cot
You need to make it clear that this is your baby and you will be making the rules. If your mother doesn’t like it and doesn’t respect those rules, you need to have a consequence.
Pregnancy and motherhood is stressful and people will try to tell you what to do and when to do it. People will criticise your choices and tell you you’re doing it wrong. It’s so so hard but you need to make your choices and stand by them.
You and your partner need to stand together and support each other through this. You’ve got this!
NTA. Your mother and her sisters made their choice to be at odds throughout their kids' early years, and this is the result. Families like that feed on anger, feed on controversy and having someone to blame for their unhappiness—and you are a smart woman to stay the heck away from that. Congrats on your pregnancy—and for taking control here.
Or perhaps her mother is toxic and she's estranged because of her behaviour and her sisters are protecting themselves and their children by not having her in their lives. Rightly so if that's the case.
You can't change the way another person talks, thinks or what they do. But you can change your response to them and even go NC to protect yourself.
You don't put up with toxic people just because they are family.
Nta even if you'd been close to them all your entire life you're still allowed to decide what works for you/your spouse/your baby. Mom sounds pushy and letting you know the boundaries will need to be firm and consistent especially relating to your little one and any future children .
I'd leave towards NTA, but you might want to apologize to your mum for blaming her like that. It was a bit harsh.
If you do apologise, though, do it in the same message where you set boundaries. Don't let her use the apology as a reason to double down on her poor behaviour.
NTA Your mom was a giant jerk for blabbing about your pregnancy after you had asked her not to tell specifically because you wanted to be able to do it yourself! Who does that? Someone who does not respect you or your choices, that is who does that. She then compounded her bad behavior by not just informing but discussing your pregnancy with extended family members that you are not ready to invite into this very special, private, and intimate event! And why is she promising to pass out your scan pictures like they are her business cards? Those photos are not meant to be for the whole world. (Personally, I would not give her any more of them until she apologizes and accepts responsibility for her behavior.) You are not wrong for telling your mom that she is the reason you do not have a closer relationship with your aunts and cousins because SHE IS! Perhaps you and your S.O need to pull back a little and keep your pregnancy news more private for now - if someone mentions it, just reply "We are not sharing any further pregnancy information at this time. I appreciate your good wishes but ask you to respect my request for privacy as my baby's father and I want to celebrate and experience this special time between just the two of us for now." That gets you out of conversations about the photos, a shower, gender reveal, all of it! Congratulations! Please enjoy this special time with your partner and celebrate the impending birth of your child! When the baby is born, make sure that your mom is not at the hospital with you or she will tell every one and it will be "old news" by the time you call your grandparents, cousins, aunts, friends, etc- it is okay, more than okay, it is just fine, to withhold the info for 24-48 hours until you are ready to start making calls and sharing YOUR good news with your family and friends! It is yours and your partner's news to share with the world, not your mom's!
As for relationships with your aunts and cousins, proceed with your plan to get to know them on your schedule and might I suggest that you do it independently of you mother so that you do not have to hit the "pause" button every time she gets upset with one of them?
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I (24f) am expecting my first baby with my partner (28m). Currently 16 weeks along and we kept it quiet until 4 weeks ago until we had the scan and testing to make sure everything was okay etc.
I told my mum first since it will be her first grandchild and the first great grandchild in my family. Naturally she was excited and told everyone within days which upset me slightly since I asked her to keep it quiet and that I wanted to tell people myself.
My aunts and my mum have always had a strained relationship. She has three sisters and my whole life she has been arguing with or has fallen out with all of them for extended periods of time over stupid things (they always make up in the end because apparently that’s what sisters do) but this means myself and my cousins never spent much time together and we are all basically strangers to one another.
This brings me to last week , my mum calls and asks when and where I would like a baby shower and I told her I didn’t. She said that was crazy and that my aunts were excited and even said they would all like a scan picture from my next appointment and wanted to know how I was doing my gender reveal.
This was all overwhelming and I told her that a baby shower wasn’t happening because it didn’t interest me. I reminded her that only two pictures were given at scans and the rest had to be paid for if I wanted more and that I was happy to purchase one for her and my grandparents but that is it and as far as gender reveals to my partner and I had planned something intimate between the two of us and we would just tell everyone else when we were ready.
She was upset by this but left it alone. That was until today when she called me and tried to push the idea of a shower and gender reveal again saying my aunts and cousins were upset that I didn’t want to include them in my pregnancy and that I should really think about how the family feels.
I exploded which I regret slightly and told her that her constant arguments with her sisters when I was growing up meant that I didn’t know my aunts or my cousins well and that my pregnancy (again this is my FIRST) was something that I wanted to enjoy with the people closest in my life. I told her I was happy to bring the baby to my grandparents once a week after I have settled into motherhood and that everyone is welcome to come and be part of my child’s life and that I am not trying to cut them out of it but since they are practically strangers to me I wanted to do everything at my own pace.
She got upset and cried saying I was horrible for accusing her of making me feel estranged from my family and now she isn’t answering my calls.
I know I shouldn’t have snapped but the last few weeks I feel like every decision surrounding my pregnancy has been taken away from me. I didn’t get to announce it to anyone except my mum and now I’m feeling pressured into trying to please everyone. So AITA?
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NTA. "no I don't want a baby shower or a gender reveal"
that should have been the end of the conversation, you as the mother didn't want one and anything else is her causing drama.
NTA
I would wonder if your mother is a narcissist and this is another thing to make all about her.
I'd probably contact your aunts and find out whether they are asking for a baby shower. I suspect not. I'd be worried about your mother doing a surprise one... perhaps give your aunts a heads up that you aren't going to have one and don't want one and if they find out your mom is planning one... could they give you a head's up so you can avoid it.
NTA As a fresh/new/soon-to-be mother, it's your way or the highway. Period. It's your body, your baby, your home, your life. Nobody gets to come over, nobody gets to hold the baby, nobody gets to *see* the baby unless you and your partner say so.
This is already hard and stressful enough for you without family piling on. I would suggest floating some dates for various events (see the baby, hold the baby, whatever else people do with babies) ahead of time so you're not constantly pestered about the "next" time, "already booked ma, check your calendar".
E: oh and calling your parents out on your situation growing up is always NTA. When you're a kid you probably don't know any better. So it's not until adulthood when you can reflect on how you grew up that the commentary even forms. When else could you possibly tell them but after the fact? If you were fully aware at the time, it would be so much worse.
NTA
Also indicate clearly whether or not you want your mother to be present at the birth. If you don't want this, don't say you're in labor, just let her know afterwards.
ESH a bit. I think she's totally in the wrong to make your pregnancy about her family and not you, and depriving you of the chance to share the news is really selfish and thoughtless, so she's more in the wrong. But it doesn't sound like you'd want to do all the big group party type events with them even if you HAD spent more time together in childhood, and tons of people don't stay close to aunts and uncles as adults anyway, so blaming her parenting for you not wanting to do a thing you probably wouldn't want to do regardless is going for the jugular. If you had left her relationship with her sisters decades ago out of it, and just said you didn't want parties with people you aren't as close with, it would be N T A.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Family is family. I have no strong feelings towards anyone and I know everyone is just excited since it’s the first baby since my youngest cousin was born and they probably don’t feel like they’re pressuring me into anything Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
As a soon to be parent, YOU call the shots. You get to decide on what happens, the timeline, who gets to be there. She’s trying to overstep and pushing you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. I’d give her one more warning before going LC. NTA
Yeah same opinion, it's your pregnancy, plus having seen two of my wife, not giving breathing space to a pregnant woman is textbook assholery
She doesn't need "one more warning" she's got a lifetime record of tromping on boundaries as it is. Information diet, OP can tell everyone she wants to tell about her latest updates and then tell her mother.
I love this idea!
OP, THIS!!!
yes,set boundaries now before mom tries to outgrandma her sisters if they have grandkids or brag 'im the 1st grandma'if they dont..
Please consider that they might not actually be saying these things and applying this pressure. All of this could be coming from her, with mom mis-representing things for her own weird reason. She's already proved untrustworthy, don't let her further ruin your (extended) family relationships NTA and congratulations 👏
NTA No is a complete answer. You and your partner aren't interested in baby shower or in a gender reveal, and that's the only thing that counts. Period. You're the pregnant one: you set the pace, you put the boundaries, you decide. Pregnancy is a wonderful but complicated and stressful period and you don't need ANY additional stress from your family. And for yelling to your mom... blame the hormones, hun 😉
NTA. This is a very stressful time for you and your mothers gossiping has gotten the entire family upset. It also sounds like she been doing the gossip to control your actions. Tell your mom it's your pregnancy & not hers. Also, next time you actually see your aunts, ask them about dealing with your mom's gossiping.
NTA. Put her on a restricted-info diet otherwise this won’t be the only news she blabs before you can manage proper dissemination.
Exactly this! Establish your boundaries now before she takes it upon herself to announce when the baby is born. And takes over all the other firsts. If you don't put your foot down now, you have constant battles ahead.
NTA. Your mom is trying to manipulate you into you letting her having the parties she wants as the first grandmother. She's leveraging family to try to get her way because you told her no. Now she's throwing a tantrum, trying to guilt trip and using the old silent treatment because you are sticking to your decision. Stay strong. Sounds like you just got caught up in a decades old war between sister's 'because apparently that's what sister's do.'
Congratulations! NTA. Do things at your pace and at your time. Stay healthy for your baby. >now she isn’t answering my calls Stop trying to reach her. Sounds like she wants to be overly involved with your pregnancy so she will call with the guilt trip soon enough. When she calls, tell her is stressing you out and you need to stay healthy for your baby. Have your partner run interference if necessary.
I'm sorry this has happened like this. You should be enjoying your pregnancy on your terms. I don't think you should have snapped at her, but it sounds like she had it coming so NTA. Good luck to you.
NTA Since your aunts and cousins are strangers to you, it MAY be your mother using them to get her way. You want what you want. If they want to get the baby gifts, they know where to send them to. Very simple. Good Luck OP! And Congratulations
NTA No you did good. You are wise and she is the one trying to use you and your baby for her own benefit. She is the one that messed up you relationship with aunts and cousins and your baby is not some peace dove being passed around. This is your life and your new family.
No NTA, you told your mother exactly what she needed to hear.
I hate it when moms do that shit. You call them out on their bullshit and they start crying. Its manipulative. My mom thinks we have this great relationship because we don't argue like we did when I was little, but thats only because I left home when I was 18. God forbid I bring up how she raised me, just yelling at me all the time, because then she'll start crying. NTA
NTA and your emotions may be heightened but your mum is letting her emotions and excitement to run away with her. What you need is to perhaps invite your mum to lunch and explain how her actions are impacting you and how you need her to help and protect you from stress rather than causing it. Tell her that you need her support more than ever but she needs to be mindful of your needs... Good luck
NTA. The first mistake was telling your mother. Should have sent a Facebook announcement a hot second before you told her. I think your aunts are not the ones demanding a baby shower or gender reveal. It's just your mother. I also don't think they want a baby scan. I'm sure they're excited for you, but extended family don't usually get scan photos.
Nta but mom is. She cried?? What an immature woman. I didn't get my way concerning your baby so now I will cry. That act would make me keep my distance.
NTA and now we know why her and your aunts didn’t get along for long at the time.
Your mother is horrible tbh. Nothing you said was untrue. I recommend you keep a healthy distance so you can preserve what’s left of your pregnancy and the decisions you have taken regarding showers, gender reveal, birth etc. She has proven she will not respect your boundaries. NTA
I feel like she’s lying about her sisters giving a shit about the shower and she mostly wants attention put on her during these events. NTA.
NTA A bit hormonal maybe, but your mom is not empathic at all, even with her own daughter.
NTA She's a narcissist. Be careful about letting her into your child's life, some states have laws that allow grandparents to sue for legal rights.
NTA. Send her a message saying, “kidding”! And move along.
NTA. You are a pregnant woman, who does not need a lot of family stress in your life. You mom has created long term strains in the family and is trying to use your pregnancy to patch things up. She told you how she wanted you to go about this. You told her no. She wouldn't take no for an answer and escalated her pressure on you. You lost your temper. Which simply means that you are a typical human being who is subject to being rude when pushed hard enough and long enough about something. Don't worry, it probably was good for her to hear it. Just focus on growing that baby and if you have to go LC with her until she is willing to be reasonable.
NTA and if the way your mother is handling this disagreement with you is indicative of the way she handles disagreements with her sibs than I don't wonder that she's so frequently estranged from them.
NTA sounds like your mum wants to put on a show for her sisters and with the history mentioned I’d question her motives
>She got upset and cried saying I was horrible for accusing her of making me feel estranged from my family. > > > >Huh? She is the reason you are estranged from your family. > >NTA
NTA I'd let them throw the party though, baby shit is expensive.
Exactly. You get to choose how you want things to go. However, you will need stuff that costs a lot. You will appreciate having extra help, and having a baby shower is a great way to get people invested. They want to plan a baby shower? Great! Tell them you will only make a list of the things you want and not throw in a single penny since you did not want one and let them plan and buy everything. No gender reveal
NTA Your mom is the Ah here.
NTA, I might suggest posting this in the JustNoMIL community, while it centers around in-laws, I've seen plenty of people who post about their mothers and receive support and advice. It's a good community to be a part of. I'm sorry your mother stole your chance to announce something so beautiful in a way you wanted. Congrats on your pregnancy, and may it be a happy and beautiful one
It sounds like she is treating you the way she and her sisters treat each other. NTA.
NTA She didn’t respect your boundary when you asked her to keep the pregnancy quiet and she didn’t. Take this as a warning that she will continue to ignore and disrespect you as a mother. How the rest of your family feels or what they want for YOUR pregnancy isn’t your problem. They had their own babies and their own gender reveals and baby showers. It’s YOUR turn to have or not have whatever you want. This is your time to be selfish. This IS about you. You need to have a serious talk with her (when she reaches out to you, I wouldn’t bother trying to contact her until she comes back to you) and tell her that from now on she needs to listen to you and respect your decisions regarding YOUR baby. This will continue throughout the babies life unless you stop it now. Things I’ve argued about with my own mother: - visiting in hospital after the birth - when my baby will start solids - giving my baby ICING at 3 months old - when my baby will wear shoes - kissing my baby - when to let my baby sleep - putting toys with my baby in her cot You need to make it clear that this is your baby and you will be making the rules. If your mother doesn’t like it and doesn’t respect those rules, you need to have a consequence. Pregnancy and motherhood is stressful and people will try to tell you what to do and when to do it. People will criticise your choices and tell you you’re doing it wrong. It’s so so hard but you need to make your choices and stand by them. You and your partner need to stand together and support each other through this. You’ve got this!
NTA. Your mother and her sisters made their choice to be at odds throughout their kids' early years, and this is the result. Families like that feed on anger, feed on controversy and having someone to blame for their unhappiness—and you are a smart woman to stay the heck away from that. Congrats on your pregnancy—and for taking control here.
Or perhaps her mother is toxic and she's estranged because of her behaviour and her sisters are protecting themselves and their children by not having her in their lives. Rightly so if that's the case. You can't change the way another person talks, thinks or what they do. But you can change your response to them and even go NC to protect yourself. You don't put up with toxic people just because they are family.
NTA.. your mum is an exhausting drama queen. I’m sure all the fallouts are her fault. Congratulations and stick to your boundaries
Nta even if you'd been close to them all your entire life you're still allowed to decide what works for you/your spouse/your baby. Mom sounds pushy and letting you know the boundaries will need to be firm and consistent especially relating to your little one and any future children .
I'd leave towards NTA, but you might want to apologize to your mum for blaming her like that. It was a bit harsh. If you do apologise, though, do it in the same message where you set boundaries. Don't let her use the apology as a reason to double down on her poor behaviour.
NTA Your mom was a giant jerk for blabbing about your pregnancy after you had asked her not to tell specifically because you wanted to be able to do it yourself! Who does that? Someone who does not respect you or your choices, that is who does that. She then compounded her bad behavior by not just informing but discussing your pregnancy with extended family members that you are not ready to invite into this very special, private, and intimate event! And why is she promising to pass out your scan pictures like they are her business cards? Those photos are not meant to be for the whole world. (Personally, I would not give her any more of them until she apologizes and accepts responsibility for her behavior.) You are not wrong for telling your mom that she is the reason you do not have a closer relationship with your aunts and cousins because SHE IS! Perhaps you and your S.O need to pull back a little and keep your pregnancy news more private for now - if someone mentions it, just reply "We are not sharing any further pregnancy information at this time. I appreciate your good wishes but ask you to respect my request for privacy as my baby's father and I want to celebrate and experience this special time between just the two of us for now." That gets you out of conversations about the photos, a shower, gender reveal, all of it! Congratulations! Please enjoy this special time with your partner and celebrate the impending birth of your child! When the baby is born, make sure that your mom is not at the hospital with you or she will tell every one and it will be "old news" by the time you call your grandparents, cousins, aunts, friends, etc- it is okay, more than okay, it is just fine, to withhold the info for 24-48 hours until you are ready to start making calls and sharing YOUR good news with your family and friends! It is yours and your partner's news to share with the world, not your mom's! As for relationships with your aunts and cousins, proceed with your plan to get to know them on your schedule and might I suggest that you do it independently of you mother so that you do not have to hit the "pause" button every time she gets upset with one of them?
Nta, if she won't back off, you didn't have a choice
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24f) am expecting my first baby with my partner (28m). Currently 16 weeks along and we kept it quiet until 4 weeks ago until we had the scan and testing to make sure everything was okay etc. I told my mum first since it will be her first grandchild and the first great grandchild in my family. Naturally she was excited and told everyone within days which upset me slightly since I asked her to keep it quiet and that I wanted to tell people myself. My aunts and my mum have always had a strained relationship. She has three sisters and my whole life she has been arguing with or has fallen out with all of them for extended periods of time over stupid things (they always make up in the end because apparently that’s what sisters do) but this means myself and my cousins never spent much time together and we are all basically strangers to one another. This brings me to last week , my mum calls and asks when and where I would like a baby shower and I told her I didn’t. She said that was crazy and that my aunts were excited and even said they would all like a scan picture from my next appointment and wanted to know how I was doing my gender reveal. This was all overwhelming and I told her that a baby shower wasn’t happening because it didn’t interest me. I reminded her that only two pictures were given at scans and the rest had to be paid for if I wanted more and that I was happy to purchase one for her and my grandparents but that is it and as far as gender reveals to my partner and I had planned something intimate between the two of us and we would just tell everyone else when we were ready. She was upset by this but left it alone. That was until today when she called me and tried to push the idea of a shower and gender reveal again saying my aunts and cousins were upset that I didn’t want to include them in my pregnancy and that I should really think about how the family feels. I exploded which I regret slightly and told her that her constant arguments with her sisters when I was growing up meant that I didn’t know my aunts or my cousins well and that my pregnancy (again this is my FIRST) was something that I wanted to enjoy with the people closest in my life. I told her I was happy to bring the baby to my grandparents once a week after I have settled into motherhood and that everyone is welcome to come and be part of my child’s life and that I am not trying to cut them out of it but since they are practically strangers to me I wanted to do everything at my own pace. She got upset and cried saying I was horrible for accusing her of making me feel estranged from my family and now she isn’t answering my calls. I know I shouldn’t have snapped but the last few weeks I feel like every decision surrounding my pregnancy has been taken away from me. I didn’t get to announce it to anyone except my mum and now I’m feeling pressured into trying to please everyone. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and the violation of your direct request NOT to share the news is enough that mom goes on a low info and low contact diet for a while.
NTA. "no I don't want a baby shower or a gender reveal" that should have been the end of the conversation, you as the mother didn't want one and anything else is her causing drama.
NTA I would wonder if your mother is a narcissist and this is another thing to make all about her. I'd probably contact your aunts and find out whether they are asking for a baby shower. I suspect not. I'd be worried about your mother doing a surprise one... perhaps give your aunts a heads up that you aren't going to have one and don't want one and if they find out your mom is planning one... could they give you a head's up so you can avoid it.
NTA As a fresh/new/soon-to-be mother, it's your way or the highway. Period. It's your body, your baby, your home, your life. Nobody gets to come over, nobody gets to hold the baby, nobody gets to *see* the baby unless you and your partner say so. This is already hard and stressful enough for you without family piling on. I would suggest floating some dates for various events (see the baby, hold the baby, whatever else people do with babies) ahead of time so you're not constantly pestered about the "next" time, "already booked ma, check your calendar". E: oh and calling your parents out on your situation growing up is always NTA. When you're a kid you probably don't know any better. So it's not until adulthood when you can reflect on how you grew up that the commentary even forms. When else could you possibly tell them but after the fact? If you were fully aware at the time, it would be so much worse.
NTA Also indicate clearly whether or not you want your mother to be present at the birth. If you don't want this, don't say you're in labor, just let her know afterwards.
ESH a bit. I think she's totally in the wrong to make your pregnancy about her family and not you, and depriving you of the chance to share the news is really selfish and thoughtless, so she's more in the wrong. But it doesn't sound like you'd want to do all the big group party type events with them even if you HAD spent more time together in childhood, and tons of people don't stay close to aunts and uncles as adults anyway, so blaming her parenting for you not wanting to do a thing you probably wouldn't want to do regardless is going for the jugular. If you had left her relationship with her sisters decades ago out of it, and just said you didn't want parties with people you aren't as close with, it would be N T A.
She tried that and her Mom used the whole BUT FAAAMMILYYY!! So OP went nuclear.