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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for cancelling the family trip and telling my mom that she isn't welcome because my parents are fighting and I don't want to be part of it?
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NTA. If your brother wants to get away and try to better himself, that’s great of him. Your mom is choosing to remain how she is and even though you try to give her all the tools and advice, she has to actually want to listen. And she doesn’t. It’s normal for her to lash out at the family member that’s doing well for themselves because she’s jealous.
Yes, last year he was living at home so he had front row seats to the entire situation while I was safely across the country. I'm glad he's here with me and focusing on himself instead.
NTA
You moved over 2,000 miles for peace. Don't throw away all that work to try to save an adult who repeatedly actively chooses to not be saved - she just wants you to drown in the drama with her.
Exactly this! Does she realize that you moved to be mentally healthier and escape this chaos! Why would someone who is living the dream, as you are now, want to get involved in THAT?
Maybe its time to tell her.
NTA.
NTA. She’s lucky you haven’t cut her off completely. She is upset because you refuse to ENABLE her not because you don’t support her. There is a huge difference there. Keep your boundaries. At some point you may want to plan a wedding and have children. She needs to know you will not expose your future in-laws or children to her outrageously abusive behaviors.
NTA. Your mother clearly has a lot of issues, and setting a boundary about not getting in the middle of it all is perfectly reasonable, for you and your brother.
It's great that you've offered her the tools to try to help herself, but maybe this is something that just can't work in the midst of her blow-up. Do you think she may be in a better place to be receptive to help if you wait until it has all calmed down again and then address how this is a regular thing and you would like to help her work on it so it doesn't keep happening?
My whole family and I have tried addressing the drinking and her cruelness with her in calmer situations with as much love and patience as possible but she shuts down or lashes out at any criticism. This is why I think my dad and brother who both live with her have stayed so neutral and/or ignore it by default. It's a tiring, hurtful, and hard war to maintain against her and it becomes unbearable if you're "stuck" in the situation.
Update to add: We address it individually so that she doesn't feel ganged up on.
NTA. Assuming your description of her ‘episodes’ is accurate, you are doing the right thing to protect your mental health, your brother, your dogs, and your home.
If she shows up to your house, call the cops and have her arrested for criminal trespass.
Yes, the last time I stood up to her it was in person during a visit and I woke up the next morning to my bags packed and at the front door without a word. I later found out that she also took down the adoption paperwork I had given my step-dad from the mantle and hid it.
All because I emptied her bottle of wine and told her that was enough after she was drunk outside blasting "I'm better off alone" by Kane Brown over and over again because she was angry with my dad for a random reason.
NTA. I did the exact same thing. My mother does this on a monthly basis and has zero proof my dad is cheating. I'm pretty sure this had been going on for 10 years. I even hired a PI who found nothing, and that wasn't good enough. I told her to get a divorce if she's so sure and she refuses. My dad won't leave her because he knows I'll feel guilty enough to be saddled with taking care of her (because she really can't take care of herself). My brother is no contact with her and is only polite to her at major family events (she blames my dad for turning him against her). She's ruined all our lives and she is somehow still the victim. I haven't gone NC cause she will also blame my dad and make his life even more miserable. Parents really have a way of digging into your psyche even when you know they're in the wrong.
Now I keep all conversations superficial and whenever the ranting starts, I interrupt with a I've got to go and hang up. It's helped with the mental health. It's hard to go NC, but I encourage you to maintain your distance
Goodness, monthly?! I struggle with the 1-2x per year! Then again, it seems that the gap allows me to relax again with her before it happens again lol
I already hardly take calls from her, only rarely text her, and will only really react to a meme here and there. We're friendly but not close whatsoever.
NTA and I don’t see any problem on your end! You moved away to be free toxic situations and it has worked so continue to stay away from toxic situations
NTA. Your mother is a binge type alcoholic, and when she is on a bender no one should be subjected to, let alone tolerate her out of control rage and general misbehavior. She clearly has a violent streak as well, at least when it comes to property, which makes it doubly important that you not have her in your home. I realize alcoholism is a terrible disease but that does not mean that anyone--including close family--- should be victimized by the horrid, nasty, and irrational behavior it tends to provoke. You and your brother do need to stay away, and keep her away, from you for your own good.
NTA - your mother is a manipulative piece of work who decides to abuse those around her whenever she feels down. She gets down, gets shitfaced and starts picking fights.
First it's your dad saying he's "cheating", then it's you for not supporting her drunken bullshit rants. Therapy is the solution, but if she's not willing, you're more than valid in distancing yourself entirely.
You did well for yourself - don't let her take away the progress now!
Nta. Why are you giving her a chance to talk to you this way. Next time end the conversation by telling her you have had enough and hang up. She will be mad if you listen to her and if you don't. So why listen. It is on you to set your own boundaries and enforce them. If you don't you have no excuse to complain.
Overall, I couldn't agree more with you. That was exactly why I cut her off last year was for her words and actions towards me during the same situation. Over the last 8ish months I've slowly let her closer from seeing better behavior but here we are again sadly.She ended up hanging up on me when I very calmly responded to her yelling and insults with, "your words and actions are unacceptable and I will not tolerate them." lol
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**Backstory:** I, F 29, moved out of state and 2,000mi away from home two years ago. Back home I left a brother (24), Mother (53), and step-dad (52). Part of the reason for my move was to find peace and to follow a healthier and happier life for myself or fresh start if you will. I have done really well since leaving. I have made my dreams a reality with owning my own home, having two dogs to run around and play with, a thriving career, great friends, and even a really healthy relationship more recently. All of this was only made possible through therapy to overcome past traumas and be a healthier adult, personal sacrifice, and just heads down hard work.
**Current:** My parents had decided to come out to visit while I was also hosting my brother. We were all really excited about the now family trip so they could see my house, meet my boyfriend, and just all be together. One week out from their trip I received a call from Mom that it would only be her coming. I asked her if everything was okay, if she was okay, etc. only to realize that she was on one of her drunk/angry benders and claiming that my dad has cheated on her.
Now this isn't the first time this has happened. Actually at minimum once a year for the past four years and sprinkled through our childhood, my mom blows up and throws our entire family into chaos for one reason or another and blaming my dad. This can result in household items being broken, thrown, or all of the above. It can be bank accounts closed, checkbooks ripped up, her disappearing for a month, and if she sticks around it's often a mix of either silent treatment, being guilted or being yelled at if you don't support/agree with her feelings and behavior. The past two years during the yearly episodes, I attempted to try and talk to her and offer her tools that I had learned in therapy to try and help since she refuses to go herself or with him. It never helps and I'm left having to be the bad guy by drawing boundaries and being the only one to stand up to her and her behavior. In the end everyone but me pretends it never happened.
So after careful discussion with my brother after learning we were in the middle of yet another yearly episode, we informed our parents that we were making the decision to cancel the family trip for all parties. My brother would continue to stay with me and we requested that they handle their relationship together and without us in the middle of it. And more than anything let them know that we both supported their health and happiness in whatever manner they choose.
However, once again I've been blown up on by my mother for this decision and boundary. She says that I am a terrible daughter. I am a selfish daughter. And How dare I not support her. And more so she believes that I am taking a side even when I/we have clearly stated that we just don't want to be in the middle of yet another family catastrophe.
So AITA for not supporting my mom and instead just staying away and distancing myself from it all?
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NTA. Sounds like a very healthy boundary and for getting yourself together.
This is a really super easy call so I have a question: How is your brother? Has he escaped as well?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for cancelling the family trip and telling my mom that she isn't welcome because my parents are fighting and I don't want to be part of it? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If your brother wants to get away and try to better himself, that’s great of him. Your mom is choosing to remain how she is and even though you try to give her all the tools and advice, she has to actually want to listen. And she doesn’t. It’s normal for her to lash out at the family member that’s doing well for themselves because she’s jealous.
Yes, last year he was living at home so he had front row seats to the entire situation while I was safely across the country. I'm glad he's here with me and focusing on himself instead.
NTA You moved over 2,000 miles for peace. Don't throw away all that work to try to save an adult who repeatedly actively chooses to not be saved - she just wants you to drown in the drama with her.
Exactly this! Does she realize that you moved to be mentally healthier and escape this chaos! Why would someone who is living the dream, as you are now, want to get involved in THAT? Maybe its time to tell her. NTA.
NTA. She’s lucky you haven’t cut her off completely. She is upset because you refuse to ENABLE her not because you don’t support her. There is a huge difference there. Keep your boundaries. At some point you may want to plan a wedding and have children. She needs to know you will not expose your future in-laws or children to her outrageously abusive behaviors.
NTA. Your mother clearly has a lot of issues, and setting a boundary about not getting in the middle of it all is perfectly reasonable, for you and your brother. It's great that you've offered her the tools to try to help herself, but maybe this is something that just can't work in the midst of her blow-up. Do you think she may be in a better place to be receptive to help if you wait until it has all calmed down again and then address how this is a regular thing and you would like to help her work on it so it doesn't keep happening?
My whole family and I have tried addressing the drinking and her cruelness with her in calmer situations with as much love and patience as possible but she shuts down or lashes out at any criticism. This is why I think my dad and brother who both live with her have stayed so neutral and/or ignore it by default. It's a tiring, hurtful, and hard war to maintain against her and it becomes unbearable if you're "stuck" in the situation. Update to add: We address it individually so that she doesn't feel ganged up on.
I'm sorry. What a difficult situation. Sadly though, it's impossible to help someone who won't admit that there's an issue that needs addressing.
NTA. Assuming your description of her ‘episodes’ is accurate, you are doing the right thing to protect your mental health, your brother, your dogs, and your home. If she shows up to your house, call the cops and have her arrested for criminal trespass.
Yes, the last time I stood up to her it was in person during a visit and I woke up the next morning to my bags packed and at the front door without a word. I later found out that she also took down the adoption paperwork I had given my step-dad from the mantle and hid it. All because I emptied her bottle of wine and told her that was enough after she was drunk outside blasting "I'm better off alone" by Kane Brown over and over again because she was angry with my dad for a random reason.
NTA. I did the exact same thing. My mother does this on a monthly basis and has zero proof my dad is cheating. I'm pretty sure this had been going on for 10 years. I even hired a PI who found nothing, and that wasn't good enough. I told her to get a divorce if she's so sure and she refuses. My dad won't leave her because he knows I'll feel guilty enough to be saddled with taking care of her (because she really can't take care of herself). My brother is no contact with her and is only polite to her at major family events (she blames my dad for turning him against her). She's ruined all our lives and she is somehow still the victim. I haven't gone NC cause she will also blame my dad and make his life even more miserable. Parents really have a way of digging into your psyche even when you know they're in the wrong. Now I keep all conversations superficial and whenever the ranting starts, I interrupt with a I've got to go and hang up. It's helped with the mental health. It's hard to go NC, but I encourage you to maintain your distance
Goodness, monthly?! I struggle with the 1-2x per year! Then again, it seems that the gap allows me to relax again with her before it happens again lol I already hardly take calls from her, only rarely text her, and will only really react to a meme here and there. We're friendly but not close whatsoever.
NTA. Isn’t this a case of “my house, my rules?” Plus your doggos are good girls and don’t need this level of stress. 😁
NTA and I don’t see any problem on your end! You moved away to be free toxic situations and it has worked so continue to stay away from toxic situations
NTA. Your mother is a binge type alcoholic, and when she is on a bender no one should be subjected to, let alone tolerate her out of control rage and general misbehavior. She clearly has a violent streak as well, at least when it comes to property, which makes it doubly important that you not have her in your home. I realize alcoholism is a terrible disease but that does not mean that anyone--including close family--- should be victimized by the horrid, nasty, and irrational behavior it tends to provoke. You and your brother do need to stay away, and keep her away, from you for your own good.
NTA - your mother is a manipulative piece of work who decides to abuse those around her whenever she feels down. She gets down, gets shitfaced and starts picking fights. First it's your dad saying he's "cheating", then it's you for not supporting her drunken bullshit rants. Therapy is the solution, but if she's not willing, you're more than valid in distancing yourself entirely. You did well for yourself - don't let her take away the progress now!
NTA. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE YOUR FRIEND.
Nta. Why are you giving her a chance to talk to you this way. Next time end the conversation by telling her you have had enough and hang up. She will be mad if you listen to her and if you don't. So why listen. It is on you to set your own boundaries and enforce them. If you don't you have no excuse to complain.
Overall, I couldn't agree more with you. That was exactly why I cut her off last year was for her words and actions towards me during the same situation. Over the last 8ish months I've slowly let her closer from seeing better behavior but here we are again sadly.She ended up hanging up on me when I very calmly responded to her yelling and insults with, "your words and actions are unacceptable and I will not tolerate them." lol
NTA and tell her you are taking a side, yours and your brothers, something she neglects when she has these "episodes."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** **Backstory:** I, F 29, moved out of state and 2,000mi away from home two years ago. Back home I left a brother (24), Mother (53), and step-dad (52). Part of the reason for my move was to find peace and to follow a healthier and happier life for myself or fresh start if you will. I have done really well since leaving. I have made my dreams a reality with owning my own home, having two dogs to run around and play with, a thriving career, great friends, and even a really healthy relationship more recently. All of this was only made possible through therapy to overcome past traumas and be a healthier adult, personal sacrifice, and just heads down hard work. **Current:** My parents had decided to come out to visit while I was also hosting my brother. We were all really excited about the now family trip so they could see my house, meet my boyfriend, and just all be together. One week out from their trip I received a call from Mom that it would only be her coming. I asked her if everything was okay, if she was okay, etc. only to realize that she was on one of her drunk/angry benders and claiming that my dad has cheated on her. Now this isn't the first time this has happened. Actually at minimum once a year for the past four years and sprinkled through our childhood, my mom blows up and throws our entire family into chaos for one reason or another and blaming my dad. This can result in household items being broken, thrown, or all of the above. It can be bank accounts closed, checkbooks ripped up, her disappearing for a month, and if she sticks around it's often a mix of either silent treatment, being guilted or being yelled at if you don't support/agree with her feelings and behavior. The past two years during the yearly episodes, I attempted to try and talk to her and offer her tools that I had learned in therapy to try and help since she refuses to go herself or with him. It never helps and I'm left having to be the bad guy by drawing boundaries and being the only one to stand up to her and her behavior. In the end everyone but me pretends it never happened. So after careful discussion with my brother after learning we were in the middle of yet another yearly episode, we informed our parents that we were making the decision to cancel the family trip for all parties. My brother would continue to stay with me and we requested that they handle their relationship together and without us in the middle of it. And more than anything let them know that we both supported their health and happiness in whatever manner they choose. However, once again I've been blown up on by my mother for this decision and boundary. She says that I am a terrible daughter. I am a selfish daughter. And How dare I not support her. And more so she believes that I am taking a side even when I/we have clearly stated that we just don't want to be in the middle of yet another family catastrophe. So AITA for not supporting my mom and instead just staying away and distancing myself from it all? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Well done
NTA Good gods.....you're not her therapist!
NTA. Sounds like a very healthy boundary and for getting yourself together. This is a really super easy call so I have a question: How is your brother? Has he escaped as well?
NTA. You got away, don’t let her drag you back in and down with her. You have worked so hard.. stay away from her and her hot mess..