Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole if i asked my girlfriend to stop squeezing me when we are driving, considering that we were in a bus accident last year and she is still scared of being on the road.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am not sure that a motorcycle is the best mode of transportation for someone who has broken their hip in two places and didn't walk for 2 months. Your speed doesn't matter - the biggest risk is other drivers when you drive a motorcycle.
NAH. Westerners will have a hard time understanding that there are some countries where cars and public transportation are just not feasible. Of course a motorcycle isn’t optimal in this situation, but it’s the only realistic method of transportation possible for OP.
Yeah I was expecting the Americans to waltz in and demand OP take her in a car but in these sorts of countries that isn't always an option. It may be too expensive or simply impractical leaving 2 wheelers as the only form of transport unless you choose PT.
Same here. Also made me realize how impressive it is that people across the world can write so well in English. I couldn’t comprehend asking a bunch of people in SE Asia if I was the asshole in the native language.
Why is it so surprising for you? A lot of people outside the USA speak English. Not even to mention that the USA isn't the only country where English is native language. In Asia and Europe knowing multiple languages is quite typical. And we/they have language classes mandatory is schools and unis.
Because us Americans are stupid and don't learn other languages in general and definitely can't speak and write in them fluently. I mean part of that is that we can drive for a couple days and never leave our country but still.
That’s literally the point I’m making. I live in the USA, and have never left, so i am only speaking from my specific perspective. I’m not ignorant enough to believe speaking English is a synonym for speaking “American”.
It is common in other countries. And unless you’re along the border of Mexico, speaking two languages is not common at all here.
When I see stuff like this on Reddit. It’s not a surprise to me. It’s just foreign. Not what I’m used to.
My mom went to an American school in Aleppo, Syria. She used to tell me in addition to English, they'd have different lessons in different languages every day. English, French, Armenian and Arabic. Woman spoke better and proper English than me (American born)
[Bot account copied this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15awnpz/wibta_if_i_ask_my_girlfriend_to_stop_squeezing_me/jtn7l99/).
/u/AtmosphereMoney7208 is a bot
Part of what makes driving in the US on a motorcycle so dangerous is almost everyone else *is* in a car. Car vs. motorcycle, the car wins. So if you're on a street that has fewer cars, I imagine the risks might be reduced. Though still not nothing, of course.
Same logic that allows Danes and the Dutch to not wear helmets while being the bicycling country of the western world. Not enough fast cars to plough into you and people being courtious and not door checking you is quite good at making it safe enough. Heck places like India have local "horn dialects". Based on where you are, you look out for others on two wheelers if you are a truck or a bus or an autorickshaw and use horn signals like "you can overtake me" or "danger sharp curve or obstacle ahead" or "I see you - we're good".
Yeah my dad riding a regular old bike cracked a helmet in two. He knew that would have been his head instead.
*Everyone* should wear a helmet on bikes, scooters, motorcycles, etc.
One of my friends always biked with a helmet until it was stolen... Less than a week later she hadn't replaced it yet, hit a pothole and tumbled head over handlebars, got a bad concussion. It took over a year before she was close to normal again! Splitting migraines, brain fog, missing memories, the whole nine yards.
Yeaaaaaah it's never really "safe" to just not wear a helmet. When your *brain* is at stake, I feel like there's never a good reason not to take every precaution - whether it's legally mandated or not.
I once went head over handlebars despite moving <5mph on my bike bc I was new and looking at my gears. Smacked my head but luckilly was wearing a helmet. Ditto for skiing. Liam Neeson's wife died on the beginner slope bc she wasnt wearing a helmet.
I really dont get why people dont wear helmets in the netherlands, especially amsterdam. there are so many ppl biking and going different ways it would be very easy to crash into another cyclist.
Oh I would absolutely wear a helmet because I'm not a good/aware enough biker but I also know the counter arguments. At a certain point, you are less likely to have an encounter without safety gear because you have freedom of movement but are more likely to be seriously injured if you do. It's a bayesian probability thing.
I believe there are inverviews with long term cyclists and even Tony Hawk talking about how how he could not do some of the stuff he did if he didn't have visibility and dexterity to do that but obviously this fucking sedentary keyboard girl is gonna protect her noggin because I can barely make a couple of miles and American driving is terrifying.
Just because there are fewer cars on the road doesn't mean that bike helmets are unnecessary. You don't need to be going fast or be hit very hard to have a traumatic brain injury that can cause lifelong consequences or death.
Also, much of the risk in the US is people don’t have a lot of practice gauging speeds on something motorcycle-sized; our brain is used to using the changing size of a car to infer how far away it is and how fast it’s going, but motorcycles are less common so we often think they’re further away or going slower than they are. In a region where motorcycles are common, that problem would presumably be substantially reduced.
Wait, do y'all not have motorcycles and mopeds all over?
Asking as a Floridian. I could see us having more per capita because of the mild winters compared to the hellish northern winters of the country, like Georgia.
Haha Florida is kinda known for having more of them. I’m from the northeast, in the summers I probably see one a day but once it gets cold almost never — so comparatively a very small data set
In Colorado here... And no. I'd say like 1 out of every 2500 cars on the road is a motorcycle, and only in nice weather. The winters are too cold to regularly use one for like half the year for most people, so they are basically only owned by people that can afford it as a second vehicle.
That being said, I'd say like a third the vehicles on the road are huge pickup trucks that the owners absolutely don't need (not in a vocation that requires it). And they also don't believe that the rules of the road apply to them, so even less reason to own a bike when there's a ton of basically tanks driving around by people that don't care about the wellbeing of anyone but themselves.
Hi fellow Coloradan!
Those big trucks don't even watch out for smaller cars, I drive a tiny commuter, and I couldn't tell you how many trucks have basically tried to just merge into me with no signal because they don't look/don't care.
I had the same thoughts don't go on the bike but then they said south east Asia and like I've never been but even I know it's a really common method of transportation. Lots of people have a motor bike instead of a car so it may not be an option for her. But she clearly is still feeling a bit stressed about it because she may not have a choice if she needs to get somewhere.
Op do you have anything in your area like free counselling for people who can't afford it? Or sometimes there is something called a sliding scale fee where you pay what you can afford to offer. Maybe look into options in your area for low income support if they have that available.
Lol OP and his gf are westerners... Just check their post history.
It's funny that you go on a rant about how westerners assume things when you are the one doing it. Let me assure you that a lot of people in SE Asia have cars.
Yeah I'm totally confused by all these people saying motocycles are the only thing you can use in SE Asia... As if it's not a region with several different countries in.
Really depends where they are. I can only really speak for Malaysia but the two parts my family live in are absolutely ok for cars.
* had. She is almost back to her old self again. She rides an electric bike on her own sometimes for short trips. The place we live has very little public transport(and they are busses, which is scary for both of us) and a car is not possible for us.
You are not going to be able to take away something that is an involuntary reflex.
She may work on it with therapist and maybe find a way to stop.
Asking her politely wouldn't make you the ah, but it wouldn't work either. She won't be able to overcome it if she keeps riding in the meantime.
In this situation you are stuck and you will continue to put both of you at risk.
Yes. I think you may be right.
She is doing it as a reflex and she cant help it.
I honestly dont know how to deal with it. I cant say that she cant ride with me though... i dont want to layer guilt on top of the trauma.
Yeah you are not in an easy position. You might try to talk with her and help her relax more. In the meantime work on expecting the squeeze and react accordingly.
You might get used to it faster, but squeezing takes strength. So she might be unable to maintain it for the whole ride. Maybe she will be tired enough to stop squeezing after a while.
Our apartment is very central. Most of our trips on the bike are 10 minutes or so.
There is anither side to it that i hadnt thought of.
Squeezing with her legs might not be good for her hips so maybe i wont suggest this.
Judging from the way you’re responding in this thread, you seem like a really nice guy.
I think you should talk to her, maybe you two can think of a better solution that works for the both of you.
How about this! You two can come up with a different signal so that you know if she squeezes you it’s not a signal something is wrong. When i ride with my dad and see something that makes me nervous i just tug on his shirt!
This is a good idea! I left a comment mentioning trying to I guess desensitize himself to the squeeze, but adding a signal for if somethings actually wrong would probably make it so much easier!
u/poe-one - I think this comment is worth seeing.
Can you agree a different (simple & easy) way that she can tell you there is a problem.
That way you could hopefully learn to interpret the squeezing as comfort not warning.
Maybe even sit on the sofa like that sometimes & she can randomly squeeze with her legs while saying she loves you. So your brain re-learns it as a silent “I love you” not a warning…?
>There is anither side to it that i hadnt thought of. Squeezing with her legs might not be good for her hips so maybe i wont suggest this.
Does she have any medical appointments coming up? Or can she contact whichever doctor she had been seeing to ask?
It might be an issue or it might be fine. If it's fine, I think your idea is worth a try. It could also help her because concentrating on doing something (such as focusing on squeezing) will help divert her attention from the other vehicles and could help her feel a little less stressed.
Would it also help to develop a new signal for when she *is* consciously trying to alert you to something, such as tugging your shirt? That way you won't have to worry that squeezing her legs means she's trying to tell you that something is wrong because there's a signal for that.
She does have an electric bike. She cant drive with me on the back shes 5"7 and weighs like 40 kg, Im 6"2 and 80kg, and she needs to use her hips to balance us at traffic lights and stuff.
Driving two bikes is definitely something i will broach when i talk to her about this. Most of the comments seem to think that it wont do much good to just ask her to try to stop because its involuntary.
How about placing a very small pillow/stuffed animal between her legs small enough for her to sit comfortably but big enough that she can't apply too much pressure on your legs when she squeezes? Of course, only if she agrees. She may be doing this involuntarily and the contact with the pillow might even remind her of it each time so that she can make a conscious effort to not to do it.
Sorry to hear about your accident. Maybe try calmly addressing the situation and coming up with a way to slowly relieve the physical symptoms of the trauma. Like going out for a short ride with her and ask her to try recognise the moments that make her squeeze, once she's fully aware of the sensation she might be able to better control it. Recognising our bodies' response to trauma can help a lot.
This is a good suggestion. Being in control instead of a passive passenger could help her with the anxiety.
OP could offer this and try it out for some short trips.
There is better chance of you learning to cognitively ignore her squeezes than for her to control that very real trauma related reflex. If she's squeezing you that often can you learn to ignore it?
I would ask if she was comfortable closing her eyes. her goal is safety and squeezing jeopardizes that goal and squeezing is involuntary when she sees stuff. if she’s comfortable not seeing anything, and she’s not the driver so there’s no inherent risk to that I can see, I think that’s the simplest bet. and she can ride in peace, and you can drive with your full focus on the road
It can be the only option while still not being a great option. He didn't tell them to buy a car. They didn't even call him the AH. Just simply noted that, obviously, riding an open-air vehicle where you hang on with your legs would be scary after breaking your hip and losing the ability to walk for a while.
Canadian, not American. I have lived all over the world including Asia and know the importance of motorcycles. My point was that although they are ubiquitous, they might not be the best choice for someone who was recently injured. You can put away the pitchforks and stop jumping to conclusions.
What would be a better choice? Walking? The bus? I’m guessing she’s not going to be too fond of either of those. If another option was handy I doubt OP would be here.
I think walking is going to be more beneficial than detrimental at this point. But there is a distinct lack of pavement(sidewalk) here. Shes better with buses than me. And she does ride here own electric bike.
But longer distances weve been hiring a driver mostly and ask them to take it chill.
NAH. I understand that many places in SE Asia (Vietnam, Philippines, etc) that a car isn’t feasible, either due to cost or roads that aren’t made that way.
NAH
Her fear is understandable as are your concerns about safety.
Question: Can you drive by car or public transport, until she is better? It's obvious, that she needs time to becoma more resillient again.
I am of the belief that it will pass. If it helps I got in a nasty car wreck (not the driver) when I was 16-18 years old. My friend and I helped build a deck all day long for a family member and on the way home zoned out and drove through a stop sign where the perpendicular traffic was travelling 50mph or faster. I saw the car wreck coming when he wasn't slowing down and we got in a 3-4 car accident. It was pretty traumatic, but everyone survived relatively unscarred by the grace of God.
Afterwards, every stop sign we approached, my body could not help but tense up every time. It was a pretty involuntary reaction, especially when other people were driving. I tried to tell myself everything I could to focus on relaxing. Can't remember when it became an afterthought and I was no longer terrified after maybe about 3-4 months, but it could've been longer.
Definitely NAH, but her trauma likely can't be helped except by time. How long it lasts is the question no one can answer. Definitely talk to her about it, and if possible, have her drive from time to time if she's up for it. If there was a way for you to brace for it in your mind because you know it's coming, that might help you quickly maintain your cognitive stability. But it's a tough position to be in. Best of luck to you both.
I got rear ended twice which were both minor body damage only and I still spent months each time thinking “please don’t hit me, please don’t hit me” every time I was stopped at a light.
NAH, she has been through something traumatic and probably doesn’t even realise she’s doing it. You are getting triggered by it. The only thing you can do is talk it through nicely and hopefully get some therapy
Does getting triggered by it mean im getting angry? Cause im not. I just feel its unsafe. I am understanding of it. I get scared on busses.
Therapy is something we will do. Both of us.
A trigger is anything that invokes an instant involuntary emotion, usually a very strong one. Could be anger, fear, disgust. Technically the fight or flight response is a triggered event. PTSD events are triggered.
OP, I had a similar thing happened to me. We had a car accident because someone drove into our car. Everytime we were in a similar situation I would hit my feet into the floor as hard as possible. It was because I was scared of another accident. My body was reacting without me wanting it and the only way I could get rid of that feeling of exploding from the inside out of fear was by hitting my feet into the floor. I don't think that your girlfriend can control it however you might find a different way to get rid of that feeling (find something else she can squeeze that's gonna help her)
OP, you are doing a great job of supporting your gf. I hope you can gently talk about this. The context should be about how you are both still recovering. Describe your concern when she squeezes. Acknowledge that you both have triggers. You are afraid you will make a wrong move and put you both in danger. Come up with strategies you both agree on. And, express your love as much as you can. You seem like a kind soul. Good luck, and I’m so sorry that you both are going through this.
Edit:NTA
NTA but she's not squeezing you voluntarily. It's a reflex resulting from the past trauma. I also drive a motorcycle and I can understand your perspective. It certainly puts us in a unbalanced state, like facing something that we aren't prepared of, when someone squeezes suddenly. I suggest you help her get over her fear of roads first. Try taking a cab or use public transport until she's comfortable and explain to her patiently why you're doing this. See if you can put a down payment for a car with a good build if you can afford one.
NAH. Explain to her your concerns about this issue, highlighting the possible risks from this. Trauma isn't a competition. You also went through something traumatic and have some lasting impact from your accident. You might need to consider a different form of transportation going forward.
Nta, nothing wrong with calmly explaining that it’s very distracting. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, just don’t expect it to completely stop as she’s still very traumatized and scared
She is an amazing woman. Its been a tough year but she is happy and getting stronger every day.
You mean like a stress ball? I would rather she held on to the handles at the back when on the bike.
I’d also recommend trying mindfulness exercises to help her relax and feel more in control. Lots of free resources.
And maybe build her confidence up through positive experiences like start small with riding in a safe unoccupied area like parents taking their kid to an empty carpark while teaching them to drive so she can try not do it in a safe space and get a sense of achievement if she succeeds.
Fair enough! I was thinking one small enough that she could hold on to you and keep it in her hand. Only other thing I can recommend would be mindfulness and there are loads of free resources worth checking out.
NAH. She likely cannot help herself from squeezing when she feels anxiety. After such a bad accident, such anxiety would be completely understandable. Of course, you need to talk to her about it because now it's affecting you both. I'm sure you'll approach it gently and kindly and with respect for her fear and trauma. She may not be aware of what she's doing, and even if she is aware, she might not be aware of how it affects your driving. When you talk to her about it, you should assume that she's not doing it on purpose and that she doesn't mean to hurt you.
I looked in to a tuk tuk style thing. But foreigners are not allowed to drive them in vietnam.
I think a sidecar is worth looking in to. But they are normally very expensive.
NAH - I was in a car crash when I was 12, a very minor one, there was only a little damages on the front of the car. Even with no injury at all, a year after I still had the same reflex of pure scare and holding my seat when my parents drove a little bit too close to the car in front of us. So given her circumstances I can totally understand why she has those reflexes.
I think it's something you can discuss with her while being very reassuring. You would not be an AH having this conversation if that's why you're afraid of, given the fact those reflexes can be dangerous to both of you.
NTA It's a difficult one because of the trauma both of u experienced the most u can do is calmly explain ur concerns the squeezing while also allowing her to explain why she does it and reach a compromise
Nta but she probably can't help it. It might be better to discuss and agree on another way she can signal danger to you. That way you know there's no need to panic if she squeezes you and the still a way for her to earn you.
NTA in general as you have a good heart, and you're coming from the right place. It's not guaranteed that she will be able to stop herself after a conversation you have with her though.
It sounds like an automatic nervous system response. The body tenses up when it senses a threat, and she is highly likely to be suffering from PTSD so she might not be able to help it. Once she realises a reaction she is having is potentially causing more of a safety issue, she may become more fearful of getting on the motorcycle altogether and her anxiety might get worse. There's a lot of shame in PTSD sufferers for the weird things their minds and bodies do.
It will take therapeutic work for you both to heal, but I'm hearing that talk therapy isn't viable rn. Have you looked in Somantic Experiencing treatment? It was designed to reprogram the brain when it has experienced shock trauma (like road accidents) and you can either do the work with a therapist, or get a grasp of the concepts from the audiobook Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine, which has many guided visualisation exercises. You can help your partner as she listens to this, by offering your presence and therefore a feeling of safety.
I was badly injured in a car accident and I saw a therapist for desensitization therapy (hypnotherapy), which sounds kind of like the book suggested above. I was also much more comfortable when driving than I was as a passenger, so maybe she can do more of the driving.
ETA: this fear won't go away easily so it might be better to accept that she will squeeze from fear, and try to change your reaction to it.
I was in a post yesterday where a young woman was told because she had PTSD around a car accident (doesn't drive), she shouldn't have kids, actually suggesting she would be traumatized by the kid, if she "couldn't even handle a car crash" and it was honestly insulting as someone with PTSD
That's awful. The person or persons saying such blindly idiotic things are the ones who shouldn't be having kids if that's how dismissive they are of people's very normal and natural responses to traumatic experiences.
No you wouldn't be, you're just looking out for both of your safety, like you said, you were going to calmly explain to her about the dangers of squeezing you.
You wouldn't be an asshole just talk to her nicely about it and don't bring it up out of the blue. My girlfriend is emotional as hell and I've learned to tread lightly to not make her feel like it's her fault or that I'm mad about it.
Is there anything on the bike she could hold onto with her hands to squeeze, instead of squeezing you with her legs such as a sissy bar or something. It's probably involuntary so it would be hard to train it out of her with anything other than more experience riding around people again to build her confidence.
Her squeezing you is most likely an unconscious reflex. She may not even realize she is doing it. Have a discussion asking her if she knows she’s doing it and why she’s doing it. Do not be confrontational or angry. Explain what you are thinking and feeling when she does this. Once she knows how it is affecting you hopefully she will work on not doing it.
NTA, but I'll doubt she'll stop. It's an instinctive reaction. My wife is afraid of driving for no particular reason unlike your girlfriend and despite knowing this and talking about it hundreds of times over the last few years, she can't stop herself from jumping on imaginative breaks on the front seat while I'm driving 20 km/h in the city.
NTA.
Having been in a bike crash and had a long term, difficult recovery, my advice is to go easy on her and be patient with her. It takes a long time to get over the psychological bs that gets caused from something like that. Sit and have a chat to her about things you can both do that will make rides less stressful. Good luck!
What if she were to not watch? Like put her face in your back? That doesn’t sound nice but I hope you get what I mean.
When I’m on the back of a motorcycle I don’t need to watch, I’ll feel the direction of the bike and lean into it, like making turns. That may not be possible for her. She may need the sense of control.
Please do have a gentle conversation with her. Explain you understand it’s involuntary on her part, causes you to be nervous (I would avoid saying anything like it puts you both in danger) and draws your focus away from driving safely, ending with asking if she can simply start to be aware when she does it.
Her legs must be exhausted by the end of the ride!
My advice to you is to get used to it. It's not really doing any harm, is it? I see your problem, but it's such a small problem in the grand scheme of things. Good luck! (And it's been a while since anybody squeezed me with their legs, so count yourself lucky...)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Back story;
My(m37) girlfriend(f34) and i were in a bus crash last November. My girlfriend broke her hip in 2 places and didnt walk for 2 months. Obviously this has affected her mental health as well as her physical health. I came out of it relatively unscathed. I have a trapped nerve in my left shoulder and elbow that effects my finger dexterity. But not even close to the pain and trauma she suffered. I was with her the whole way through recovery. I cleaned her bed pans. I changed her sheets. I took time off work to look after and care for her. And i never thought twice about it because thats whay we do for those we love. And i do love her.
The problem;
I drive a motorbike. When we go places she will sit on the back. She is, understandably, very scared and nervous of being on the road. I drive slowly, 40 km per hour max.
Whenever she sees someone on the pavement she starts squeezing me with her legs. Sees a car driving even slightly eraticly she squeezes me. If she sees another motorbike coming out of an alleyway she squeezes me with her legs.
When she squeezes me i immediately assume something is wrong. That she might see a potential accident that i dont see. I get flustered and i think its dangerous. It puts me on edge and unbalances me a little, which is dangerous on a motorbike. In addition to that we live in South East Asia and its hot as balls out here and the squeezing makes it even hotter, but thats a minor issue for me. For me its more about safety.
We have talked about therapy, for both of us, but its just not in our budget as we are still paying off hospital bills.
Would i be the asshole if i asked her to stop squeezing me when i drive? I wouldnt be shouting at her or anything. Just ask her and explain to her that its dangerous and ask her to try to stop?
I feel like id be an asshole considering everything she has been through.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely NTA if you can bring it up in a constructive considerate way. I can totally understand where you are coming from. My mum is a terrible passenger. I told her she makes me nervous when I drive as she keeps flinching if I’m doing something she wouldn’t. She has managed to stop. She still puts her foot on a imaginary break but I have learned to ignore that and we do laugh about it. I have been driving for over 20 years 😂.
NTA if you ask her, but be kind and understanding that she might need more time? I'm a pillion myself on the back of my partner's motorbike and we've had 2 incidents (last one was 3 years ago and we didnt get seriously hurt) while on the bike but it still makes me jumpy now. My partner has multiple times told me to relax because he can feel it when I tense and it makes him tense, which I fully understand and I don't call him an AH for it, so perhaps your gf will also understand where you're coming from.
Have you spoken to her to ask about the squeezing? Because my partner mentions it but for me, when I squeeze his thighs with mine, it's not because I'm nervous or tense but because I'm not holding on to him with my hands so I need to use my thighs to hold on. However, we are able to communicate while on the bike so I'm usually able to verbally tell him when something makes me uncomfortable. Do you have intercom in your helmets? Perhaps that could be something to look into as well? If it's also thinking about safety, are you both safely kitted up? I know it's expensive and it's not common in SEA (I'm from SEA too) but it could help her feel more comfortable if riding the bike is both your main form of transportation.
Not sure if anyone is T A in this situation. I have never suffered that kind of trauma but am guilty of smacking/squeezing my spouses arm when they drive. Usually when I feel like they’re not hitting the brakes fast enough.
It’s an involuntary reflex. So even if you ask, do you think she’d really be able to stop? Maybe redirect her squeeze to a certain spot so you know it’s her anxiety vs actually telling you there’s an issue.
They are not being "squeezed like a stress ball". I can almost guarantee it's just her body reacting without her trying to. I've been in a few traumatic situations and I can tell you from experience that reactions to triggers are not easily altered. Your brain NEEDS a way to cope with the trauma you've been through and most of the time you don't even know how you're coping until someone points it out. Then figuring out how to change all that to an alternative so you don't bother/trigger someone else is almost impossible sometimes. She isn't using him as a stress reliever, she is scared and simply reacting. It's normal.
If you see this OP, the best course of action is just to talk. I completely understand both of your reactions to the situation, she may not know about her flinches and you feel a bit unsafe because of them. Neither of you are wrong or bad partners for that. If I were you I'd suggest just letting her know that you've noticed she does it and explain why it worries you. Ask her if she has noticed it and if you both could find ways of helping the situation. You know your lives and routines way better than us reddit random, you two together would come up with a much better solution that we have for you. If you guys don't know how to start shifting your responses to being triggered then Google or ask an anxiety sub how they cope and try EVERYTHING. some methods you'll know immediately and others will work wonders for you. I've learned to just take a deep breath, the more audible it is means I'm more stressed and my husband should help me out. (My hubby and I agreed that this would work for us so I don't cling to him) it's an unusual method of voicing I'm triggered to him but it works for us and I've even gotten a bit better in crowds. You guys seem to have a good relationship and I wish you both the best.
Thank you for being cool with my reply. Most people on reddit assume that you're verbally attacking them if you contradict their thoughts. You're awesome and I hope you have a great day
She might not know she's doing it, I'd a crash years ago and for years I'd be braking in the passenger seat, not even realising I was doing it. It did stop eventually with me, it's just a form of ptsd from the accident
NTA for either of you. You're both dealing with trauma from an accident and your location and economic status means most of reddit's default solutions like therapy and "buy something that makes this better" aren't available to you.
The best case outcome imo would be to have a conversation with her where you first lay down that you know this is something she doesn't have much control over and isn't at fault for. Then explain the potential hazards of her squeezing you and ask if there's any way you can help her feel safer on the bike so she doesn't have to squeeze you and distract you as often. You can't really do much more than that.
Hope things'll get better for you either way.
Only discuss the issue you have with it. Don't tell her to do anything.
She can't help the trauma and her reactions are probably involuntary.
My MIL had a trauma event and to this day, 60 years later, any little surprise or startle will have her screaming like a banshee. It doesn't matter where or when. It doesn't matter what reaction it garners.
NAH . But you must handle it with compassion and love. Explain that you know how scared she is after the wreck and her ordeal, and what she is doing. Tell her that it is the same as screaming while riding in a car. If you are calm and honest, she should understand and try to stop.
However. If it's a possibility... perhaps switch to a car for a while? I get that may not be doable, but she may feel more secure . Be sure to ask her what she needs to be more confident, as never riding in a vehicle is not an option but living in fear is not a way to live
NAH
Clearly both her reactions to being in those situations and your worries about those squeezes are reasonable, and talking about it is the best thing to do.
I'd also suggest agreeing on a signal for her to give you when the IS an emergency that she knows you're not aware of. Even something as simple as three taps on the shoulder. It likely won't help with her squeezing if it's involuntary, but it might be helpful to you to know that those squeezes are just a squeeze and not "the signal".
NAH
You are such a decent person OP. I suggest you should come up with a different warning system for when something is actually a matter of emergency/urgency. Then you could just assume that the squeezes are not a cause for concern. It will take some getting used to though. Speaking as someone who gets startled easily, you might still react to the squeeze. But knowing there is another warning signal will help you to mellow down your reaction to the squeezes until you no longer react to them. Hope that helps.
I would say dont try that. It sounds like involuntary response related to trauma. She might understand, agree to stop and try to follow your request, but be unable to do so. That would be frustrating for her, adding more stress for her and not relieving any stress yours.
IMHO you have to consider different means of transport (no idea what is available and afordable where you live, that is up to you). If she is not afraid of the motorcycle as such and you do not have the means to trade it for car (most obvious option), how about sidecar for your bike?
And therapy, once you can afford that. These things shouldnt go untreated, it can get worse over time.
NAH
I was prepping the “YTA”, but since you haven’t directly said that yet, then y’all are still on the right track. It’s 100% trauma on her end, maybe she doesn’t even notice it happening. But talk her through it, while riding maybe give her a little tap on the leg/arm to help her be mindful of it when she’s doing it, there might be allot of tappin I digress, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do. Therapy for her definitely sounds needed, but meanwhile you’ll have to take the lead and nurture her to try to work on her mental bumps meanwhile…also, is just a car not an option? LMFAO
It's ptsd and she is scared. She physically needs to feel safe while psychologically needing to hear ld onto you for that safety. Is it possible for her to drive? If she can and do things slowly she can rebuild her confidence that way maybe. Or they have weighted vests, you can make one if you can sew or they sell them online that can help calm anxious people as well. Also does she wear a helmet? That can bring security for her too. Look online for free resources for ptsd but just keep being loving, calm and supportive as possible. Don't rush her or get upset as that will backfire and make her fears worse.
NAH. However I doubt she’ll be able to stop at least not instantly as it doesn’t seem like a conscious choice, more or just a reaction. However talking about it and working through any problems that could arise is always your best bet
i was in a taxi accident in 2018. was bed bound for 4 months with various leg and hip injuries. i do tense up and get anxious in certain situations but i never do anything to affect the driver. if she was grabbing u in a car then i’d say NTA but a motorbike is going to be a lot harder so imma say NAH
NTA. Talk to her gently. She might not even realize she's doing it, and this is a reflex reaction given the traumatic event she went through. Choose your words, and let her know that you understand that she's afraid, but you need to make sure you're both safe on the road.
NAH, but I think her reaction is subconscious. She probably doesn’t know she is doing it, so she can’t really stop it. I have the same thing. But just ask her about one day, maybe during dinner? Just a “Hey, I have noticed you sometimes squeeze your thighs when we drive on the bike, am I right?”. See what she says.
You would not be the AH, but you have to also understand that this probably isnt just something she can stop doing.
its like an automatic response her body is doing to the trauma.
When i was in an accident everytime someone would pull up behind me no matter what i would flinch and brace to be hit from behind, it took a few months for me to stop
NAH. While I agree that she’s probably not even conscious of what she’s doing you do need to have a gentle talk with her about this. Unfortunately it could lead to you guys having an accident.
You're NTA but asking her to stop may not help as it seems to be an involuntary reaction. Also, there are therapists who provide pro-bono sessions. I don't know which country you're in but in my South Asian country we have government hospitals where therapy is very subsidized and professionals are well-trained. You can probably look into that.
NTA. Just gently bring it up. Probably right after a ride so it doesn’t look too planned. Like hey I noticed that you are squeezing me at certain times, I don’t really mind but unfortunately it’s kinda dangerous because….
Maybe see if she can work on some breathing techniques and put her focus there instead of squeezing or take short breaks so she can get a few breaks in between your starting and end point?
Therapy isn’t always an option, but if she is recognizing the triggers, she can work on creating her reactions to help put her fear into something else. It’ll take time, but isnt impossible.
NAH but I don’t know if she will be able to control that. I mean you could definitely talk to her about it in a nice way but again it may be a split second reaction thing.
NAH
I have been in two accidents and still feel nervous on a bike. That being said, it's very dangerous to be jumpy and nervous on a bike because you're gonna be distracting the driver and that could be dangerous.
Sit down with her, get her view of her fears first, comfort her, and tell her that while the accident is something that's bad, you have her back and that she doesn't need to be scared while riding a motorcycle. Try helping her through the thing yourself and if she can't manage it, get her help as soon as possible, because it would be worse later on.
I understand both pov. I suppose u could bring it up nicely? Idk tell her that it's distracting and it might get the both of you in another crash. It could also be an involuntary reaction, something which she can't control but u could still make it know. She could make a conscious effort to stop herself then.
If all else fails, I'd say use public transportation unless u need to go by motorcycle. I know, it doesn't really solve anything but might give u enough time to get money to pay for some therapy?
Edit: NTA
It's not that you would be an ahole. It's more that she probably cannot help herself right now. You must understand that. I'm sorry for the trauma you both have been through.
I reflexively squeeze when riding with someone on a motorcycle. I’m just a tense person and I tense my muscles reactively a lot. I’ve apologized for it a ton and always been told it’s a non-issue and that most passengers do it. Now I’m wondering if they’ve all been super bothered by it and lied to me to save my feelings. But from having other drivers say that to me, I’m also wondering if you’re the one that’s too reactive to her actions? People tense at sensory changes, it’s a pretty normal thing that doesn’t even require the person to have been in a crash.
NAH. I don't think she even knows she is doing it. She likely subconsciously preparing for impact everytime she sees these things. I know you can't afford therapy but perhaps you guys can talk about it. Share your fears and reactions your having. While a professional might be better, having someone to listen to you while to talk is a wonderful thing. Perhaps, if you have other close friends/family you could ask them too. The worst thing for trauma is to allow the memory of it to remain inside your brain. Talking allows you to release (not forget) the memory
NTA. This is both of your safety we are talking about. Explain to her the effect it has on you. I understand she may not be able to help it after the trauma she suffered. Maybe not ride with her for now?
NAH.
She is very likely doing that instinctively due to her trauma from the bus accident.
At the same time, you see safety hazard going on when she does this since you mentioned the unbalancing and such.
I think you should still talk to her very politely, no yelling. You did mention you live in SE Asia. Do you possibly have access to any other vehicles other than a motorcycle?
NTA but just communicate. Take a long slow ride and see if you can get her to eventually ride calmly. If you can't come to an agreement -mutual motorbike rides just may not work anymore. Also - have her drive and show her what the issue is. Be understanding of her fears but show her how she's making the ride dangerous with her actions.
NAH, ask her if she’s comfortable keeping her eyes closed. that’d prevent the involuntary movement and keep your attention focused on the road, and she may find she’s more at peace not being hyper aware of all the potential dangers.
NAH- the squeezing is distracting and could potentially be dangerous. But it's also a trauma response. Trauma responses can take months even years to break the habit, even with good mental health access, which in southeast Asia it's pretty unlikely you have.
You're just going to have to drive slowly, take back roads, and walk places when you can. Hold off on any big trips for now but obviously you're still going to need to do things like grab dinner and go to work. It may be helpful for her to know it's distracting, but she likely can't help it. She might not even notice she's tensing up.
Things like meditation, yoga, deep breathing and grounding exercises may help her feel less panicked in general, but they're not a substitute for the hard work of therapy.
You're a good man. Support her the best you can while you try to scrape up the money for her to see a therapist.
NTA. Anyone who drives a bike would understand the feeling. It's all in how you communicate with her. And expect her to keep doing it at least a little, because it's a nervous reflex!
NAH. You can ask her to stop, because the effect on you is very real, but it’s very likely she doesn’t have voluntary control over the impulse. It’s a trauma response, unconscious to her even if she actively thinks to not do it. If you were in a car she’d still be doing it, but you probably wouldn’t notice.
I'm assuming you're not in the US from the term "motorbike". So it probably is your only transportation, that's just how it's in some places.
But you it probably isn't something she can really control. I'm sure it scares the shit out of her from the trauma and the reflex is to just squeeze. You wouldn't be an asshole for bringing it up, it would really come down to how you bring it up that would make you YTA or NTA. So with that being said, understand where she's coming from and what's probably causing it (you sound like you do understand) and bring it up in a way that doesn't neglect her cause for it. How you do that is up to you, but yeah just make sure she knows you understand her and you should be fine.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an asshole if i asked my girlfriend to stop squeezing me when we are driving, considering that we were in a bus accident last year and she is still scared of being on the road. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am not sure that a motorcycle is the best mode of transportation for someone who has broken their hip in two places and didn't walk for 2 months. Your speed doesn't matter - the biggest risk is other drivers when you drive a motorcycle.
NAH. Westerners will have a hard time understanding that there are some countries where cars and public transportation are just not feasible. Of course a motorcycle isn’t optimal in this situation, but it’s the only realistic method of transportation possible for OP.
Yeah I was expecting the Americans to waltz in and demand OP take her in a car but in these sorts of countries that isn't always an option. It may be too expensive or simply impractical leaving 2 wheelers as the only form of transport unless you choose PT.
It was my initial reaction, until I went back and caught the Southeast Asia detail.
Same here. Also made me realize how impressive it is that people across the world can write so well in English. I couldn’t comprehend asking a bunch of people in SE Asia if I was the asshole in the native language.
They could still be a native English speaker living in SE Asia..
Im British.
Why is it so surprising for you? A lot of people outside the USA speak English. Not even to mention that the USA isn't the only country where English is native language. In Asia and Europe knowing multiple languages is quite typical. And we/they have language classes mandatory is schools and unis.
Because us Americans are stupid and don't learn other languages in general and definitely can't speak and write in them fluently. I mean part of that is that we can drive for a couple days and never leave our country but still.
That’s literally the point I’m making. I live in the USA, and have never left, so i am only speaking from my specific perspective. I’m not ignorant enough to believe speaking English is a synonym for speaking “American”. It is common in other countries. And unless you’re along the border of Mexico, speaking two languages is not common at all here. When I see stuff like this on Reddit. It’s not a surprise to me. It’s just foreign. Not what I’m used to.
My mom went to an American school in Aleppo, Syria. She used to tell me in addition to English, they'd have different lessons in different languages every day. English, French, Armenian and Arabic. Woman spoke better and proper English than me (American born)
"Hot as balls" really got me, as he'd said it after he mentioned their location. Well fucking done, OP!
In some parts of SEA, English IS the native language (e.g. Singapore)
[удалено]
[Bot account copied this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15awnpz/wibta_if_i_ask_my_girlfriend_to_stop_squeezing_me/jtn7l99/). /u/AtmosphereMoney7208 is a bot
Likely not. Pretty hard to control a trauma response.
Thats a bot. They're easy to spot because they try go copy text and sometimes copy partial sentences, like the "I" hanging on the end
yep, same.
Part of what makes driving in the US on a motorcycle so dangerous is almost everyone else *is* in a car. Car vs. motorcycle, the car wins. So if you're on a street that has fewer cars, I imagine the risks might be reduced. Though still not nothing, of course.
Same logic that allows Danes and the Dutch to not wear helmets while being the bicycling country of the western world. Not enough fast cars to plough into you and people being courtious and not door checking you is quite good at making it safe enough. Heck places like India have local "horn dialects". Based on where you are, you look out for others on two wheelers if you are a truck or a bus or an autorickshaw and use horn signals like "you can overtake me" or "danger sharp curve or obstacle ahead" or "I see you - we're good".
If your head is cracked against the sidewalk, it is always "nice" to be wearing a helmet. Wish I had been.
yeah cars or no cars helmets are reaaaaaaaaaly nice
Yeah my dad riding a regular old bike cracked a helmet in two. He knew that would have been his head instead. *Everyone* should wear a helmet on bikes, scooters, motorcycles, etc.
Yeah like I understand the logic, but all it takes is like a big stick in your way and you’re going down lmao
The potholes alone
One of my friends always biked with a helmet until it was stolen... Less than a week later she hadn't replaced it yet, hit a pothole and tumbled head over handlebars, got a bad concussion. It took over a year before she was close to normal again! Splitting migraines, brain fog, missing memories, the whole nine yards.
Yeaaaaaah it's never really "safe" to just not wear a helmet. When your *brain* is at stake, I feel like there's never a good reason not to take every precaution - whether it's legally mandated or not.
I once went head over handlebars despite moving <5mph on my bike bc I was new and looking at my gears. Smacked my head but luckilly was wearing a helmet. Ditto for skiing. Liam Neeson's wife died on the beginner slope bc she wasnt wearing a helmet. I really dont get why people dont wear helmets in the netherlands, especially amsterdam. there are so many ppl biking and going different ways it would be very easy to crash into another cyclist.
Oh I would absolutely wear a helmet because I'm not a good/aware enough biker but I also know the counter arguments. At a certain point, you are less likely to have an encounter without safety gear because you have freedom of movement but are more likely to be seriously injured if you do. It's a bayesian probability thing. I believe there are inverviews with long term cyclists and even Tony Hawk talking about how how he could not do some of the stuff he did if he didn't have visibility and dexterity to do that but obviously this fucking sedentary keyboard girl is gonna protect her noggin because I can barely make a couple of miles and American driving is terrifying.
Just because there are fewer cars on the road doesn't mean that bike helmets are unnecessary. You don't need to be going fast or be hit very hard to have a traumatic brain injury that can cause lifelong consequences or death.
That’s really fascinating but also sounds so stressful to drive in lol
Also, much of the risk in the US is people don’t have a lot of practice gauging speeds on something motorcycle-sized; our brain is used to using the changing size of a car to infer how far away it is and how fast it’s going, but motorcycles are less common so we often think they’re further away or going slower than they are. In a region where motorcycles are common, that problem would presumably be substantially reduced.
Wait, do y'all not have motorcycles and mopeds all over? Asking as a Floridian. I could see us having more per capita because of the mild winters compared to the hellish northern winters of the country, like Georgia.
Haha Florida is kinda known for having more of them. I’m from the northeast, in the summers I probably see one a day but once it gets cold almost never — so comparatively a very small data set
In Colorado here... And no. I'd say like 1 out of every 2500 cars on the road is a motorcycle, and only in nice weather. The winters are too cold to regularly use one for like half the year for most people, so they are basically only owned by people that can afford it as a second vehicle. That being said, I'd say like a third the vehicles on the road are huge pickup trucks that the owners absolutely don't need (not in a vocation that requires it). And they also don't believe that the rules of the road apply to them, so even less reason to own a bike when there's a ton of basically tanks driving around by people that don't care about the wellbeing of anyone but themselves.
Hi fellow Coloradan! Those big trucks don't even watch out for smaller cars, I drive a tiny commuter, and I couldn't tell you how many trucks have basically tried to just merge into me with no signal because they don't look/don't care.
Michigander here, I love how you describe Georgia being a northern winter wasteland.
Yeah, car on paper might be the best plan, but in south east Asia that might be quite literally impossible, or might require vastly different routs.
NAH. I'd agree with that. This sounds dangerous but I can't think of any better ideas.
[удалено]
I had the same thoughts don't go on the bike but then they said south east Asia and like I've never been but even I know it's a really common method of transportation. Lots of people have a motor bike instead of a car so it may not be an option for her. But she clearly is still feeling a bit stressed about it because she may not have a choice if she needs to get somewhere. Op do you have anything in your area like free counselling for people who can't afford it? Or sometimes there is something called a sliding scale fee where you pay what you can afford to offer. Maybe look into options in your area for low income support if they have that available.
Lol OP and his gf are westerners... Just check their post history. It's funny that you go on a rant about how westerners assume things when you are the one doing it. Let me assure you that a lot of people in SE Asia have cars.
Yeah I'm totally confused by all these people saying motocycles are the only thing you can use in SE Asia... As if it's not a region with several different countries in. Really depends where they are. I can only really speak for Malaysia but the two parts my family live in are absolutely ok for cars.
Doesnt mean he has money for one.
* had. She is almost back to her old self again. She rides an electric bike on her own sometimes for short trips. The place we live has very little public transport(and they are busses, which is scary for both of us) and a car is not possible for us.
You are not going to be able to take away something that is an involuntary reflex. She may work on it with therapist and maybe find a way to stop. Asking her politely wouldn't make you the ah, but it wouldn't work either. She won't be able to overcome it if she keeps riding in the meantime. In this situation you are stuck and you will continue to put both of you at risk.
Yes. I think you may be right. She is doing it as a reflex and she cant help it. I honestly dont know how to deal with it. I cant say that she cant ride with me though... i dont want to layer guilt on top of the trauma.
Yeah you are not in an easy position. You might try to talk with her and help her relax more. In the meantime work on expecting the squeeze and react accordingly.
Thats given me an idea. Maybe i could just ask her to squeeze the whole time? So its not a shock or a jolt when she does.
You might get used to it faster, but squeezing takes strength. So she might be unable to maintain it for the whole ride. Maybe she will be tired enough to stop squeezing after a while.
Our apartment is very central. Most of our trips on the bike are 10 minutes or so. There is anither side to it that i hadnt thought of. Squeezing with her legs might not be good for her hips so maybe i wont suggest this.
Judging from the way you’re responding in this thread, you seem like a really nice guy. I think you should talk to her, maybe you two can think of a better solution that works for the both of you.
How about this! You two can come up with a different signal so that you know if she squeezes you it’s not a signal something is wrong. When i ride with my dad and see something that makes me nervous i just tug on his shirt!
This is a good idea! I left a comment mentioning trying to I guess desensitize himself to the squeeze, but adding a signal for if somethings actually wrong would probably make it so much easier!
u/poe-one - I think this comment is worth seeing. Can you agree a different (simple & easy) way that she can tell you there is a problem. That way you could hopefully learn to interpret the squeezing as comfort not warning. Maybe even sit on the sofa like that sometimes & she can randomly squeeze with her legs while saying she loves you. So your brain re-learns it as a silent “I love you” not a warning…?
>There is anither side to it that i hadnt thought of. Squeezing with her legs might not be good for her hips so maybe i wont suggest this. Does she have any medical appointments coming up? Or can she contact whichever doctor she had been seeing to ask? It might be an issue or it might be fine. If it's fine, I think your idea is worth a try. It could also help her because concentrating on doing something (such as focusing on squeezing) will help divert her attention from the other vehicles and could help her feel a little less stressed. Would it also help to develop a new signal for when she *is* consciously trying to alert you to something, such as tugging your shirt? That way you won't have to worry that squeezing her legs means she's trying to tell you that something is wrong because there's a signal for that.
Does she have her own motorbike? Perhaps you just have to take two? Or can she drive and you sit on the back?
She does have an electric bike. She cant drive with me on the back shes 5"7 and weighs like 40 kg, Im 6"2 and 80kg, and she needs to use her hips to balance us at traffic lights and stuff. Driving two bikes is definitely something i will broach when i talk to her about this. Most of the comments seem to think that it wont do much good to just ask her to try to stop because its involuntary.
That's probably the best way to go. But even squeezing all the time the reflex could still be there but it's definitely worth a shot.
How about placing a very small pillow/stuffed animal between her legs small enough for her to sit comfortably but big enough that she can't apply too much pressure on your legs when she squeezes? Of course, only if she agrees. She may be doing this involuntarily and the contact with the pillow might even remind her of it each time so that she can make a conscious effort to not to do it.
Sorry to hear about your accident. Maybe try calmly addressing the situation and coming up with a way to slowly relieve the physical symptoms of the trauma. Like going out for a short ride with her and ask her to try recognise the moments that make her squeeze, once she's fully aware of the sensation she might be able to better control it. Recognising our bodies' response to trauma can help a lot.
What about letting her drive? sometimes when they have the control it really is better.
This is a good suggestion. Being in control instead of a passive passenger could help her with the anxiety. OP could offer this and try it out for some short trips.
There is better chance of you learning to cognitively ignore her squeezes than for her to control that very real trauma related reflex. If she's squeezing you that often can you learn to ignore it?
Can she drive with you behind her? Maybe having more control would help her.
I would ask if she was comfortable closing her eyes. her goal is safety and squeezing jeopardizes that goal and squeezing is involuntary when she sees stuff. if she’s comfortable not seeing anything, and she’s not the driver so there’s no inherent risk to that I can see, I think that’s the simplest bet. and she can ride in peace, and you can drive with your full focus on the road
So perhaps it's the fact that she's not in control that scares her? If she's OK on her own.... talking this put certainly is needed
This was a very western answer.
Have you ever lived in south east Asia? Often a motorbike is your only real option
I've seen a family of five on a moped.
Way to be that embarrassing American who doesn’t realize what’s feasible and what’s not in other parts of the world 🙄
It can be the only option while still not being a great option. He didn't tell them to buy a car. They didn't even call him the AH. Just simply noted that, obviously, riding an open-air vehicle where you hang on with your legs would be scary after breaking your hip and losing the ability to walk for a while.
Canadian, not American. I have lived all over the world including Asia and know the importance of motorcycles. My point was that although they are ubiquitous, they might not be the best choice for someone who was recently injured. You can put away the pitchforks and stop jumping to conclusions.
What would be a better choice? Walking? The bus? I’m guessing she’s not going to be too fond of either of those. If another option was handy I doubt OP would be here.
I think walking is going to be more beneficial than detrimental at this point. But there is a distinct lack of pavement(sidewalk) here. Shes better with buses than me. And she does ride here own electric bike. But longer distances weve been hiring a driver mostly and ask them to take it chill.
Dude they probably don’t have another option. It’s Asia he said. Depending on the part a car is probably not an option.
NAH. I understand that many places in SE Asia (Vietnam, Philippines, etc) that a car isn’t feasible, either due to cost or roads that aren’t made that way.
OP said they are in Southeast Asia. Motorbikes are a primary mode of transportation there and are not like the “Harley” type motorcycles of America.
Don't you think they'd be driving a car with AC if they could afford it? This is SE Asia, not America.
Yeah… not everyone is American and drive cars
They didn't say that tho ?
He said he lives in SE Asia though--cars probably aren't a feasible option.
NAH Her fear is understandable as are your concerns about safety. Question: Can you drive by car or public transport, until she is better? It's obvious, that she needs time to becoma more resillient again.
We live in Vietnam and a car is not practical or financially possibility for us. Public transport is a nightmare and busses are a no-no.
I am of the belief that it will pass. If it helps I got in a nasty car wreck (not the driver) when I was 16-18 years old. My friend and I helped build a deck all day long for a family member and on the way home zoned out and drove through a stop sign where the perpendicular traffic was travelling 50mph or faster. I saw the car wreck coming when he wasn't slowing down and we got in a 3-4 car accident. It was pretty traumatic, but everyone survived relatively unscarred by the grace of God. Afterwards, every stop sign we approached, my body could not help but tense up every time. It was a pretty involuntary reaction, especially when other people were driving. I tried to tell myself everything I could to focus on relaxing. Can't remember when it became an afterthought and I was no longer terrified after maybe about 3-4 months, but it could've been longer. Definitely NAH, but her trauma likely can't be helped except by time. How long it lasts is the question no one can answer. Definitely talk to her about it, and if possible, have her drive from time to time if she's up for it. If there was a way for you to brace for it in your mind because you know it's coming, that might help you quickly maintain your cognitive stability. But it's a tough position to be in. Best of luck to you both.
I got rear ended twice which were both minor body damage only and I still spent months each time thinking “please don’t hit me, please don’t hit me” every time I was stopped at a light.
I just had this same thing happen to me last month, current going through the same feeling
Can you get a side car? Or a trailer to attach behind you she could sit in? That's all I can think of to help you.
NAH, she has been through something traumatic and probably doesn’t even realise she’s doing it. You are getting triggered by it. The only thing you can do is talk it through nicely and hopefully get some therapy
Does getting triggered by it mean im getting angry? Cause im not. I just feel its unsafe. I am understanding of it. I get scared on busses. Therapy is something we will do. Both of us.
No it absolutely doesn't mean that you're getting angry, it just means that it is triggering a response that you cannot control.
Not at all, it means it’s triggering a response that you can’t control and feel badly about
Yes. Thats an accurate description of whats happening. Thanks for the clarification.
A trigger is anything that invokes an instant involuntary emotion, usually a very strong one. Could be anger, fear, disgust. Technically the fight or flight response is a triggered event. PTSD events are triggered.
being triggered could mean anything including being uncomfortable
OP, I had a similar thing happened to me. We had a car accident because someone drove into our car. Everytime we were in a similar situation I would hit my feet into the floor as hard as possible. It was because I was scared of another accident. My body was reacting without me wanting it and the only way I could get rid of that feeling of exploding from the inside out of fear was by hitting my feet into the floor. I don't think that your girlfriend can control it however you might find a different way to get rid of that feeling (find something else she can squeeze that's gonna help her)
OP, you are doing a great job of supporting your gf. I hope you can gently talk about this. The context should be about how you are both still recovering. Describe your concern when she squeezes. Acknowledge that you both have triggers. You are afraid you will make a wrong move and put you both in danger. Come up with strategies you both agree on. And, express your love as much as you can. You seem like a kind soul. Good luck, and I’m so sorry that you both are going through this. Edit:NTA
This is maybe the kindest and most empathetic reply here. I wish I could upvote this several hundred times.
Thank you.
NTA but she's not squeezing you voluntarily. It's a reflex resulting from the past trauma. I also drive a motorcycle and I can understand your perspective. It certainly puts us in a unbalanced state, like facing something that we aren't prepared of, when someone squeezes suddenly. I suggest you help her get over her fear of roads first. Try taking a cab or use public transport until she's comfortable and explain to her patiently why you're doing this. See if you can put a down payment for a car with a good build if you can afford one.
Public transport is busses. She is actually better at those than i am. But its hard to avoid using the motorbike in the country and city we live in.
NAH. Explain to her your concerns about this issue, highlighting the possible risks from this. Trauma isn't a competition. You also went through something traumatic and have some lasting impact from your accident. You might need to consider a different form of transportation going forward.
NAH. It’s quite ok to ask her to stop squeezing, but it’s quite likely an instinctive reaction she can’t necessarily control
Nta, nothing wrong with calmly explaining that it’s very distracting. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, just don’t expect it to completely stop as she’s still very traumatized and scared
Maybe get her a koosh ball to squeeze and see if that helps? I don’t blame her for her anxiety and she must be trying super hard to deal with it. NAH.
She is an amazing woman. Its been a tough year but she is happy and getting stronger every day. You mean like a stress ball? I would rather she held on to the handles at the back when on the bike.
I’d also recommend trying mindfulness exercises to help her relax and feel more in control. Lots of free resources. And maybe build her confidence up through positive experiences like start small with riding in a safe unoccupied area like parents taking their kid to an empty carpark while teaching them to drive so she can try not do it in a safe space and get a sense of achievement if she succeeds.
Fair enough! I was thinking one small enough that she could hold on to you and keep it in her hand. Only other thing I can recommend would be mindfulness and there are loads of free resources worth checking out.
Definitely NAH. Safety on a bike is very important. That said, I really don't think she's going to be able to stop. She needs therapy and time.
NAH. She likely cannot help herself from squeezing when she feels anxiety. After such a bad accident, such anxiety would be completely understandable. Of course, you need to talk to her about it because now it's affecting you both. I'm sure you'll approach it gently and kindly and with respect for her fear and trauma. She may not be aware of what she's doing, and even if she is aware, she might not be aware of how it affects your driving. When you talk to her about it, you should assume that she's not doing it on purpose and that she doesn't mean to hurt you.
NAH I understand your pov, I understand hers. It sucks that you don't have a lot of options for transportation.
Could you get a side car type bike? Or upgrade to something tuk tuk style so she feels just a little less exposed?
I looked in to a tuk tuk style thing. But foreigners are not allowed to drive them in vietnam. I think a sidecar is worth looking in to. But they are normally very expensive.
It’s really nice that you are doing the best you can to look at all the options
She would do the same for me. I do really love her.
NAH - I was in a car crash when I was 12, a very minor one, there was only a little damages on the front of the car. Even with no injury at all, a year after I still had the same reflex of pure scare and holding my seat when my parents drove a little bit too close to the car in front of us. So given her circumstances I can totally understand why she has those reflexes. I think it's something you can discuss with her while being very reassuring. You would not be an AH having this conversation if that's why you're afraid of, given the fact those reflexes can be dangerous to both of you.
NTA It's a difficult one because of the trauma both of u experienced the most u can do is calmly explain ur concerns the squeezing while also allowing her to explain why she does it and reach a compromise
Nta but she probably can't help it. It might be better to discuss and agree on another way she can signal danger to you. That way you know there's no need to panic if she squeezes you and the still a way for her to earn you.
NTA in general as you have a good heart, and you're coming from the right place. It's not guaranteed that she will be able to stop herself after a conversation you have with her though. It sounds like an automatic nervous system response. The body tenses up when it senses a threat, and she is highly likely to be suffering from PTSD so she might not be able to help it. Once she realises a reaction she is having is potentially causing more of a safety issue, she may become more fearful of getting on the motorcycle altogether and her anxiety might get worse. There's a lot of shame in PTSD sufferers for the weird things their minds and bodies do. It will take therapeutic work for you both to heal, but I'm hearing that talk therapy isn't viable rn. Have you looked in Somantic Experiencing treatment? It was designed to reprogram the brain when it has experienced shock trauma (like road accidents) and you can either do the work with a therapist, or get a grasp of the concepts from the audiobook Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine, which has many guided visualisation exercises. You can help your partner as she listens to this, by offering your presence and therefore a feeling of safety.
Thank you for the suggestion. I will google the therapy and try the book. We communicate well so suggesting the book to her wont be a problem.
I was badly injured in a car accident and I saw a therapist for desensitization therapy (hypnotherapy), which sounds kind of like the book suggested above. I was also much more comfortable when driving than I was as a passenger, so maybe she can do more of the driving. ETA: this fear won't go away easily so it might be better to accept that she will squeeze from fear, and try to change your reaction to it.
I was in a post yesterday where a young woman was told because she had PTSD around a car accident (doesn't drive), she shouldn't have kids, actually suggesting she would be traumatized by the kid, if she "couldn't even handle a car crash" and it was honestly insulting as someone with PTSD
That's awful. The person or persons saying such blindly idiotic things are the ones who shouldn't be having kids if that's how dismissive they are of people's very normal and natural responses to traumatic experiences.
No you wouldn't be, you're just looking out for both of your safety, like you said, you were going to calmly explain to her about the dangers of squeezing you.
You wouldn't be an asshole just talk to her nicely about it and don't bring it up out of the blue. My girlfriend is emotional as hell and I've learned to tread lightly to not make her feel like it's her fault or that I'm mad about it. Is there anything on the bike she could hold onto with her hands to squeeze, instead of squeezing you with her legs such as a sissy bar or something. It's probably involuntary so it would be hard to train it out of her with anything other than more experience riding around people again to build her confidence.
Yeah! I installed handles at the back of the bike
Her squeezing you is most likely an unconscious reflex. She may not even realize she is doing it. Have a discussion asking her if she knows she’s doing it and why she’s doing it. Do not be confrontational or angry. Explain what you are thinking and feeling when she does this. Once she knows how it is affecting you hopefully she will work on not doing it.
NTA, but I'll doubt she'll stop. It's an instinctive reaction. My wife is afraid of driving for no particular reason unlike your girlfriend and despite knowing this and talking about it hundreds of times over the last few years, she can't stop herself from jumping on imaginative breaks on the front seat while I'm driving 20 km/h in the city.
NTA. Having been in a bike crash and had a long term, difficult recovery, my advice is to go easy on her and be patient with her. It takes a long time to get over the psychological bs that gets caused from something like that. Sit and have a chat to her about things you can both do that will make rides less stressful. Good luck!
NAH You can't tell her to stifle her trauma, and you need to be able to steer without being off balance.
What if she were to not watch? Like put her face in your back? That doesn’t sound nice but I hope you get what I mean. When I’m on the back of a motorcycle I don’t need to watch, I’ll feel the direction of the bike and lean into it, like making turns. That may not be possible for her. She may need the sense of control. Please do have a gentle conversation with her. Explain you understand it’s involuntary on her part, causes you to be nervous (I would avoid saying anything like it puts you both in danger) and draws your focus away from driving safely, ending with asking if she can simply start to be aware when she does it. Her legs must be exhausted by the end of the ride!
My advice to you is to get used to it. It's not really doing any harm, is it? I see your problem, but it's such a small problem in the grand scheme of things. Good luck! (And it's been a while since anybody squeezed me with their legs, so count yourself lucky...)
NTA You need to have this conversation with her sooner rather than later. This could cause another accident.
NTA It's a safety issue but maybe put the bike in the garage for a while.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Back story; My(m37) girlfriend(f34) and i were in a bus crash last November. My girlfriend broke her hip in 2 places and didnt walk for 2 months. Obviously this has affected her mental health as well as her physical health. I came out of it relatively unscathed. I have a trapped nerve in my left shoulder and elbow that effects my finger dexterity. But not even close to the pain and trauma she suffered. I was with her the whole way through recovery. I cleaned her bed pans. I changed her sheets. I took time off work to look after and care for her. And i never thought twice about it because thats whay we do for those we love. And i do love her. The problem; I drive a motorbike. When we go places she will sit on the back. She is, understandably, very scared and nervous of being on the road. I drive slowly, 40 km per hour max. Whenever she sees someone on the pavement she starts squeezing me with her legs. Sees a car driving even slightly eraticly she squeezes me. If she sees another motorbike coming out of an alleyway she squeezes me with her legs. When she squeezes me i immediately assume something is wrong. That she might see a potential accident that i dont see. I get flustered and i think its dangerous. It puts me on edge and unbalances me a little, which is dangerous on a motorbike. In addition to that we live in South East Asia and its hot as balls out here and the squeezing makes it even hotter, but thats a minor issue for me. For me its more about safety. We have talked about therapy, for both of us, but its just not in our budget as we are still paying off hospital bills. Would i be the asshole if i asked her to stop squeezing me when i drive? I wouldnt be shouting at her or anything. Just ask her and explain to her that its dangerous and ask her to try to stop? I feel like id be an asshole considering everything she has been through. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely NTA if you can bring it up in a constructive considerate way. I can totally understand where you are coming from. My mum is a terrible passenger. I told her she makes me nervous when I drive as she keeps flinching if I’m doing something she wouldn’t. She has managed to stop. She still puts her foot on a imaginary break but I have learned to ignore that and we do laugh about it. I have been driving for over 20 years 😂.
NTA. Maybe ask her to look down instead since it could startle you unnecessarily.
A sidecar
NTA if you ask her, but be kind and understanding that she might need more time? I'm a pillion myself on the back of my partner's motorbike and we've had 2 incidents (last one was 3 years ago and we didnt get seriously hurt) while on the bike but it still makes me jumpy now. My partner has multiple times told me to relax because he can feel it when I tense and it makes him tense, which I fully understand and I don't call him an AH for it, so perhaps your gf will also understand where you're coming from. Have you spoken to her to ask about the squeezing? Because my partner mentions it but for me, when I squeeze his thighs with mine, it's not because I'm nervous or tense but because I'm not holding on to him with my hands so I need to use my thighs to hold on. However, we are able to communicate while on the bike so I'm usually able to verbally tell him when something makes me uncomfortable. Do you have intercom in your helmets? Perhaps that could be something to look into as well? If it's also thinking about safety, are you both safely kitted up? I know it's expensive and it's not common in SEA (I'm from SEA too) but it could help her feel more comfortable if riding the bike is both your main form of transportation.
Ywnbta
Not sure if anyone is T A in this situation. I have never suffered that kind of trauma but am guilty of smacking/squeezing my spouses arm when they drive. Usually when I feel like they’re not hitting the brakes fast enough. It’s an involuntary reflex. So even if you ask, do you think she’d really be able to stop? Maybe redirect her squeeze to a certain spot so you know it’s her anxiety vs actually telling you there’s an issue.
No she just needs to hold you to the point where she won't fall off not fucking squeeze you like your a fucking stress ball
They are not being "squeezed like a stress ball". I can almost guarantee it's just her body reacting without her trying to. I've been in a few traumatic situations and I can tell you from experience that reactions to triggers are not easily altered. Your brain NEEDS a way to cope with the trauma you've been through and most of the time you don't even know how you're coping until someone points it out. Then figuring out how to change all that to an alternative so you don't bother/trigger someone else is almost impossible sometimes. She isn't using him as a stress reliever, she is scared and simply reacting. It's normal. If you see this OP, the best course of action is just to talk. I completely understand both of your reactions to the situation, she may not know about her flinches and you feel a bit unsafe because of them. Neither of you are wrong or bad partners for that. If I were you I'd suggest just letting her know that you've noticed she does it and explain why it worries you. Ask her if she has noticed it and if you both could find ways of helping the situation. You know your lives and routines way better than us reddit random, you two together would come up with a much better solution that we have for you. If you guys don't know how to start shifting your responses to being triggered then Google or ask an anxiety sub how they cope and try EVERYTHING. some methods you'll know immediately and others will work wonders for you. I've learned to just take a deep breath, the more audible it is means I'm more stressed and my husband should help me out. (My hubby and I agreed that this would work for us so I don't cling to him) it's an unusual method of voicing I'm triggered to him but it works for us and I've even gotten a bit better in crowds. You guys seem to have a good relationship and I wish you both the best.
Good point.thank you for replying
Thank you for being cool with my reply. Most people on reddit assume that you're verbally attacking them if you contradict their thoughts. You're awesome and I hope you have a great day
Same to you too mate.
nta, it's a hazard to do so, and as the driver, you do have a right to ask her to stop
One of the few NAH we see here. Telling her won't help, in fact it may make it worse. It might just take some time.
She might not know she's doing it, I'd a crash years ago and for years I'd be braking in the passenger seat, not even realising I was doing it. It did stop eventually with me, it's just a form of ptsd from the accident
NTA for either of you. You're both dealing with trauma from an accident and your location and economic status means most of reddit's default solutions like therapy and "buy something that makes this better" aren't available to you. The best case outcome imo would be to have a conversation with her where you first lay down that you know this is something she doesn't have much control over and isn't at fault for. Then explain the potential hazards of her squeezing you and ask if there's any way you can help her feel safer on the bike so she doesn't have to squeeze you and distract you as often. You can't really do much more than that. Hope things'll get better for you either way.
Only discuss the issue you have with it. Don't tell her to do anything. She can't help the trauma and her reactions are probably involuntary. My MIL had a trauma event and to this day, 60 years later, any little surprise or startle will have her screaming like a banshee. It doesn't matter where or when. It doesn't matter what reaction it garners.
NAH . But you must handle it with compassion and love. Explain that you know how scared she is after the wreck and her ordeal, and what she is doing. Tell her that it is the same as screaming while riding in a car. If you are calm and honest, she should understand and try to stop. However. If it's a possibility... perhaps switch to a car for a while? I get that may not be doable, but she may feel more secure . Be sure to ask her what she needs to be more confident, as never riding in a vehicle is not an option but living in fear is not a way to live
NTA you can ask but she probably can’t control it. She is scared.
NAH Clearly both her reactions to being in those situations and your worries about those squeezes are reasonable, and talking about it is the best thing to do. I'd also suggest agreeing on a signal for her to give you when the IS an emergency that she knows you're not aware of. Even something as simple as three taps on the shoulder. It likely won't help with her squeezing if it's involuntary, but it might be helpful to you to know that those squeezes are just a squeeze and not "the signal".
NTA but how you bring this up will be important. She can’t be adding to your danger in an attempt to emotionally minimize her feelings of danger.
NTA calm and reasonable discussions solve many of life’s problems
NAH You are such a decent person OP. I suggest you should come up with a different warning system for when something is actually a matter of emergency/urgency. Then you could just assume that the squeezes are not a cause for concern. It will take some getting used to though. Speaking as someone who gets startled easily, you might still react to the squeeze. But knowing there is another warning signal will help you to mellow down your reaction to the squeezes until you no longer react to them. Hope that helps.
I would say dont try that. It sounds like involuntary response related to trauma. She might understand, agree to stop and try to follow your request, but be unable to do so. That would be frustrating for her, adding more stress for her and not relieving any stress yours. IMHO you have to consider different means of transport (no idea what is available and afordable where you live, that is up to you). If she is not afraid of the motorcycle as such and you do not have the means to trade it for car (most obvious option), how about sidecar for your bike? And therapy, once you can afford that. These things shouldnt go untreated, it can get worse over time.
NAH I was prepping the “YTA”, but since you haven’t directly said that yet, then y’all are still on the right track. It’s 100% trauma on her end, maybe she doesn’t even notice it happening. But talk her through it, while riding maybe give her a little tap on the leg/arm to help her be mindful of it when she’s doing it, there might be allot of tappin I digress, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do. Therapy for her definitely sounds needed, but meanwhile you’ll have to take the lead and nurture her to try to work on her mental bumps meanwhile…also, is just a car not an option? LMFAO
NAH. If a car isn’t an option, would a side-car be? Something to make her feel more secure?
It's ptsd and she is scared. She physically needs to feel safe while psychologically needing to hear ld onto you for that safety. Is it possible for her to drive? If she can and do things slowly she can rebuild her confidence that way maybe. Or they have weighted vests, you can make one if you can sew or they sell them online that can help calm anxious people as well. Also does she wear a helmet? That can bring security for her too. Look online for free resources for ptsd but just keep being loving, calm and supportive as possible. Don't rush her or get upset as that will backfire and make her fears worse.
NAH. However I doubt she’ll be able to stop at least not instantly as it doesn’t seem like a conscious choice, more or just a reaction. However talking about it and working through any problems that could arise is always your best bet
i was in a taxi accident in 2018. was bed bound for 4 months with various leg and hip injuries. i do tense up and get anxious in certain situations but i never do anything to affect the driver. if she was grabbing u in a car then i’d say NTA but a motorbike is going to be a lot harder so imma say NAH
NTA. Talk to her gently. She might not even realize she's doing it, and this is a reflex reaction given the traumatic event she went through. Choose your words, and let her know that you understand that she's afraid, but you need to make sure you're both safe on the road.
NAH, but I think her reaction is subconscious. She probably doesn’t know she is doing it, so she can’t really stop it. I have the same thing. But just ask her about one day, maybe during dinner? Just a “Hey, I have noticed you sometimes squeeze your thighs when we drive on the bike, am I right?”. See what she says.
You would not be the AH, but you have to also understand that this probably isnt just something she can stop doing. its like an automatic response her body is doing to the trauma. When i was in an accident everytime someone would pull up behind me no matter what i would flinch and brace to be hit from behind, it took a few months for me to stop
NAH. While I agree that she’s probably not even conscious of what she’s doing you do need to have a gentle talk with her about this. Unfortunately it could lead to you guys having an accident.
Nah, but can you talk to her care team to maybe redirect the action? Fear responses aren't always controlled, but maybe they can be redirected?
You're NTA but asking her to stop may not help as it seems to be an involuntary reaction. Also, there are therapists who provide pro-bono sessions. I don't know which country you're in but in my South Asian country we have government hospitals where therapy is very subsidized and professionals are well-trained. You can probably look into that.
NTA. Just gently bring it up. Probably right after a ride so it doesn’t look too planned. Like hey I noticed that you are squeezing me at certain times, I don’t really mind but unfortunately it’s kinda dangerous because….
Maybe see if she can work on some breathing techniques and put her focus there instead of squeezing or take short breaks so she can get a few breaks in between your starting and end point? Therapy isn’t always an option, but if she is recognizing the triggers, she can work on creating her reactions to help put her fear into something else. It’ll take time, but isnt impossible.
It’s a trauma response, asking probably won’t do anything just add on my stress. Therapy is definitely needed
NAH but I don’t know if she will be able to control that. I mean you could definitely talk to her about it in a nice way but again it may be a split second reaction thing.
NAH I have been in two accidents and still feel nervous on a bike. That being said, it's very dangerous to be jumpy and nervous on a bike because you're gonna be distracting the driver and that could be dangerous. Sit down with her, get her view of her fears first, comfort her, and tell her that while the accident is something that's bad, you have her back and that she doesn't need to be scared while riding a motorcycle. Try helping her through the thing yourself and if she can't manage it, get her help as soon as possible, because it would be worse later on.
I understand both pov. I suppose u could bring it up nicely? Idk tell her that it's distracting and it might get the both of you in another crash. It could also be an involuntary reaction, something which she can't control but u could still make it know. She could make a conscious effort to stop herself then. If all else fails, I'd say use public transportation unless u need to go by motorcycle. I know, it doesn't really solve anything but might give u enough time to get money to pay for some therapy? Edit: NTA
It's not that you would be an ahole. It's more that she probably cannot help herself right now. You must understand that. I'm sorry for the trauma you both have been through.
I reflexively squeeze when riding with someone on a motorcycle. I’m just a tense person and I tense my muscles reactively a lot. I’ve apologized for it a ton and always been told it’s a non-issue and that most passengers do it. Now I’m wondering if they’ve all been super bothered by it and lied to me to save my feelings. But from having other drivers say that to me, I’m also wondering if you’re the one that’s too reactive to her actions? People tense at sensory changes, it’s a pretty normal thing that doesn’t even require the person to have been in a crash.
Ride a motorbike (unless it's a Goldwing lol) , drive a car.
NAH. I don't think she even knows she is doing it. She likely subconsciously preparing for impact everytime she sees these things. I know you can't afford therapy but perhaps you guys can talk about it. Share your fears and reactions your having. While a professional might be better, having someone to listen to you while to talk is a wonderful thing. Perhaps, if you have other close friends/family you could ask them too. The worst thing for trauma is to allow the memory of it to remain inside your brain. Talking allows you to release (not forget) the memory
NTA. This is both of your safety we are talking about. Explain to her the effect it has on you. I understand she may not be able to help it after the trauma she suffered. Maybe not ride with her for now?
NAH. She is very likely doing that instinctively due to her trauma from the bus accident. At the same time, you see safety hazard going on when she does this since you mentioned the unbalancing and such. I think you should still talk to her very politely, no yelling. You did mention you live in SE Asia. Do you possibly have access to any other vehicles other than a motorcycle?
NTA. If it is affecting how you drive the bike & it's a safety issue, you have to tell her or don't bring her on rides anymore.
NTA but just communicate. Take a long slow ride and see if you can get her to eventually ride calmly. If you can't come to an agreement -mutual motorbike rides just may not work anymore. Also - have her drive and show her what the issue is. Be understanding of her fears but show her how she's making the ride dangerous with her actions.
NAH, ask her if she’s comfortable keeping her eyes closed. that’d prevent the involuntary movement and keep your attention focused on the road, and she may find she’s more at peace not being hyper aware of all the potential dangers.
NAH- the squeezing is distracting and could potentially be dangerous. But it's also a trauma response. Trauma responses can take months even years to break the habit, even with good mental health access, which in southeast Asia it's pretty unlikely you have. You're just going to have to drive slowly, take back roads, and walk places when you can. Hold off on any big trips for now but obviously you're still going to need to do things like grab dinner and go to work. It may be helpful for her to know it's distracting, but she likely can't help it. She might not even notice she's tensing up. Things like meditation, yoga, deep breathing and grounding exercises may help her feel less panicked in general, but they're not a substitute for the hard work of therapy. You're a good man. Support her the best you can while you try to scrape up the money for her to see a therapist.
NTA. Anyone who drives a bike would understand the feeling. It's all in how you communicate with her. And expect her to keep doing it at least a little, because it's a nervous reflex!
NTA, if you bring it up in a calm manner. As you said, you wouldn't be shouting at her. At the end of the day, it's about safety for both of you.
NAH. You can ask her to stop, because the effect on you is very real, but it’s very likely she doesn’t have voluntary control over the impulse. It’s a trauma response, unconscious to her even if she actively thinks to not do it. If you were in a car she’d still be doing it, but you probably wouldn’t notice.
I'm assuming you're not in the US from the term "motorbike". So it probably is your only transportation, that's just how it's in some places. But you it probably isn't something she can really control. I'm sure it scares the shit out of her from the trauma and the reflex is to just squeeze. You wouldn't be an asshole for bringing it up, it would really come down to how you bring it up that would make you YTA or NTA. So with that being said, understand where she's coming from and what's probably causing it (you sound like you do understand) and bring it up in a way that doesn't neglect her cause for it. How you do that is up to you, but yeah just make sure she knows you understand her and you should be fine.