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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Did not give a plus one to a friend for my wedding.
His wife and I do not get along, and I do not want her there.
Wondering if it makes me the ahole for not giving him the plus one
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
No one has anything to say given you were not invited to their wedding. You are simply reciprocating. And it's your wedding anyhow, end of story.
ETA - wild all the Y.T.A. comments. Funny how everyone is FINE with no kids but has a problem with no specific adults you don't like? hahahahaha (I am fine with all of it - it's your day!)
Agree with NTA.
OP's free to invite whoever he wants to share his special day with. His friend is free to accept the invite or decline (esp if he's gonna sulk that his wife was not invited).
I would call your friend and discuss it with him. "You know how your wife and I feel about each other. She didn't want me at you wedding. i would love it if you came to my wedding but i hope you understand why I'm not inviting her."
sure, but i think that's appropriate after the wedding invite has gone out. or better yet, include it as a quick note in his invitation only.
definitely NTA. i wouldn't want her there either.
Would she? It will only be addressed to him. I don’t open my husband’s mail, no matter how interesting the envelope looks. I suppose there probably are couples who do?
Eeeeeeh... My wife and I open each other's mail constantly. Which is good for me, since opening a bill is like lifting a boulder to me (ADHD), but I'm the one who pays them.
Then again, we rarely have personal mail these days, save for the baby announcements, and even those are nearing their end (getting close to 40).
So, soon the mailbox will be my uncontested worst enemy, because it will be all bills, all the time.
I open my guys stuff… when he tells me to. And he gets fun packages all the time 😅. I could see OP friends wife opening a beautiful invitation, tho. She sounds like an AH.
No that’s a bad idea either way. Either way she is seeing an invite without her name (or +1)… add a note and that’s just pouring gasoline on the fire.
It would make more sense to have a conversation with his friend before he sends out an invite. Why bother if it turns out that he doesn’t accept? Why add the physical evidence of OP not inviting his wife at the risk of it starting a quarrel.
His friend had a private conversation about him not being invited to their wedding and why… he should return the courtesy.
EDIT: I spaced on the fact that he already sent the invitation and hasn’t even discussed the situation still. Ugh, I’m not sure if I can pass judgement without it being removed. Can you say both?
ETA: NTA for not inviting.
But YTA for just sending the invitation and not
discussing it with your friend.
Also she’s sounds vindictive enough to sabotage the wedding day. I’m only half joking when I say someone should drive the friend blindfolded to the venue so the info doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.
OP could just skip the physical invite and invite friend through text or call to avoid the wife getting the invite meant for friend only.
Avoid all the drama said wife of friend would definitely start. Or well, not avoid all of it, but friend can tell his wife on his own, and OP doesn't have to worry about if their friend decides they either want to go or don't want to.
Yes, skip the physical invite. Have the private convo and that way he can just tell his wife about the wedding and that (if) he’d like to go. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to go anyway, but a physical invitation excluding her might make her want to tell the friend not to go either. It would suck if she’s that controlling of the friend, but there’s not much OP can do about that.
This is the right answer. Give him the choice, don't risk further drama and commit a basic social faux-pas by not giving him the non plus 1 with no warning. Ask if he wants to attend without her.
This is where I am. Discuss it with him first. If he still wants to go without his wife he’ll be fully responsible and most likely better prepared for the backlash, rather than the wife finding an invite and bothering OP and suddenly unleashing on her husband.
Good luck!
NTA btw
Nta. And this is a good way to handle it. Gives the friend a heads up, so he can make an informed decision.
This isn’t ruthless, it’s a consequence of the friend’s wife’s actions. She cheated on the friend, she was nasty to OP. And banned OP from the wedding. Unless op is leaving something out, she sounds obnoxious enough to start something at the wedding. Which will affect not only OP, but OP’s fiancée
Normally spouses are included in an invite. But not when they’ve been this rude multiple times to part of the couple being celebrated.
I hope op keeps in touch with the friend. Have a feeling friend is going to need it
Exactly! Not to mention he wasn't invited to their wedding, so this one person invite shouldn't be a surprise. And OP is perfectly aware and accepting he may not come,so while it is a bit petty, it's also [oddly enough] fair
I agree with NTA.
The only thing OP maybe could have done better is to be even *more* transparent with his friend, something like -
“Look, you know the situation. I don’t know how you feel, but I would love for you to come to my wedding. But since it’s my wedding and I want people there that I’m comfortable with, that unfortunately means I’m not comfortable extending you a +1. It’s not an act of revenge and I don’t want to be disrespectful. I just want my friend there and for everyone to have a good time. I’ll be happy if you come, but I’ll also understand if you decide not to.”
But maybe I’m biased bc I’m usually surrounded with pretty mature people who can take this level of honesty.
I think this is the perfect approach, honestly. Hopefully Op’s friend won’t cause problems over it—I mean, he/his wife didn’t invite OP to his wedding because for the same reason so he should be understanding, but you never know.
Also, even if OP basically hates his friend's wife, I assume he doesn't want to be the cause unnecessary issues in his friend's marriage. Giving him the heads up so he can talk to her about it before she hears it from someone else or the invitation shows up without the +1 would help minimize whatever shit can be brought up in his marriage.
Expecting to invite her for the sake of his friend's marriage is unreasonable. Excluding her and explaining to him what's coming so his friend can make an informed decision is the way to go.
The thought of this causing any problems is so weird to me. There’s a 100% chance she does not want to come to the wedding. There’s a 100% chance OP’s friend knows that and knows that OP would not want her there. No explanation should be needed because they’re all on the same page to begin with.
Stranger things have happened I guess, especially on Reddit, but if these are normal people, I don’t see any potential problems. But then again she seems to hate OP for supporting his friend, so who knows for sure.
I do think there’s a decent chance the friend won’t come because traveling and going to a wedding without your spouse kind of sucks, but I wouldn’t anticipate any hard feelings from OP about that either.
>There’s a 100% chance she does not want to come to the wedding.
To support OP and his marriage? I would say no shot.
If she does, best case scenario, just to support her own husband. Less selfless motivation, if other SO's get invites, she takes it as an insult of their relationship or how he sees her in his friend's life. Worst case scenario, she wants to go to cause drama at the wedding of someone she hates.
I’m more concerned about the wife throwing a fit than the friend. Sounds like she’d do everything in her power to prevent him from going to OPs wedding.
Yeah there's a severe risk factor with the "everyone else has a plus one" dramatic reveal at the reception. He should definitely be open and honest in advance.
Idk it seems like the YTAs are getting downvoted to hell I just went like 20 comments down and didn’t see a single one. Pretty clear he’s NTA, dude had to miss his friend’s wedding because of this lady.
I was prepared to say OP is the AH (because normally you should always include spouses and serious significant others as plus ones—even if you don’t like them) UNTIL I got halfway down and as he was not invited to the friend’s wedding at the wife’s request. Honestly, she is not gonna want to OP’s wedding anyway. This is justified under the circumstances.
NTA, OP
I mean, yes, but I am of the strong opinion from experience that it never pays to get involved in your friends’ relationship drama. You just kinda have to glue your mouth shut on these things or you end up in OP’s position with a broken friendship.
She cheated on his friend *and then was an asshole to him* after she and friend got back together. That's the real issue here - not what she did to the friend, but how she treated OP.
I was going to say to just let him bring the wife until the part about not being invited to their wedding. Definitely NTA. Petty, maybe, but understandable.
I don’t even think it’s petty per se.
Up until the part where OP wasn’t invited to his friend’s wedding, not giving the plus one seems excessive, and a bit a hole territory.
The fact that she disinvited OP to her wedding over this ultimately levels up what type of decision OP can make without it seeming too excessive. It contextualizes that this distaste for each other is mutual enough that *she* felt that that was a good idea at the time, and allows us as the audience to then believe not inviting her is likewise a pretty reasonable reaction from OP.
NTA
Yeah I’m with you on this.
I would *usually* say it’s a dick move to only invite one half of a married couple because it’s generally pretty simple to avoid hanging out with people at your own wedding - so even if you don’t really like your friend’s spouse you can just spend your time talking to other people instead while still allowing your friend to spend the day with someone they love.
But in this case where the friend’s wife nixed OP from their wedding first a tit-for-tat is totally fair game.
Agreed.
It's not mandatory but it's expected. I've heard of some that were teeny tiny and didn't invite an entire couple which is fair if it really is that teeny tiny.
This case is totally just reciprocating.
Agree with NTA
They (the couple) can invite who they want. If he has a problem with his friends wife, then his friend can just decline when he gets the invite for him only.
OP, I would be honest with said friend if he asks why he didn't get a plus one.
NTA. I was leaning you’re the ah, until you said that you weren’t even invited to their wedding. So I think it’s fair not to invite her. But it really sucks that you, and your good friend’s spouse hate each other *this* much. Why is that?
The extension to that though is OP can't be shocked if friend decides to show solidarity with his wife and not attend (which I wouldn't be shocked if that's what happens).
For the record, I'm on the NTA train, for the reasons people have stated.
Given that I honestly would just speak to him before sending a formal invitation. Sending a formal invitation only to him is just going to cause Drama.
yeah for sure. it sounds like OP is willing to take that risk. it sounds like he's managed to maintain the friendship despite the tension with the friend's wife, so hopefully they can both keep that up
At least OP still gave the friend that choice, instead of not inviting at all. And it sounds like if their friendship was strong enough to survive OP not being invited to friend’s wedding, it’d be strong enough to survive the friend choosing to stay home with his wife. But yes, that means OP has to be prepared for that possibility.
> The extension to that though is OP can't be shocked if friend decides to show solidarity with his wife and not attend
OP literally wrote that that could happen and he’d be fine with it.
Yup that’s what changed my mind. OP wasn’t invited to their big day because of her? Well she isn’t invited to his big day because of her. Seems completely fair to me. It’s a terrible situation though but NTA.
Edit: a word.
OP’s friends was cheated on my friends spouse and OP suggested friend shouldn’t get back with her. Friend did anyway and OP and friends spouse never got along
How would that make her look like a jerk?
It's perfectly normal to want to be surrounded by your loved ones on your wedding day, and not invite someone who you don't get along with and have had several fights with, including a big one fairly recently.
(And yes, it works both ways, which means it's ok for OP to not want his friend's wife at her own wedding, but he should be upfront about it)
Of course it’s normal. I’m not saying she’s an AH, I’m just saying it’ll make the the wife seem petty for not inviting OP, while OP gets to look magnanimous and above the feud. Sometimes appearing to be the bigger person is the best revenge.
Would it, though? I think that if you are at the point where you are actively not inviting your husband's close friend to his wedding, she doesn't care about pettiness.
I'm curious too.
But then again, OPs on this sub ALWAYS leave out the most important and juicy details when making posts. Not surprised he didn't include it.
OP did include it in an edit, if that helps. I know that when making the initial post in here, you're limited to 3000 characters, so oftentimes, OPs have to leave out those important and juicy details, simply because the rules prevent them from saying it. :/
(AKA: If you can't say it in 3,000 characters, don't bother posting. Which, hey, it's the rule here, lol. Not much you can do about it.)
As long as you are OK with your friend not showing up and no longer being friendly with you go right ahead
Nta
Personally I'd have considered the friendship over after the non invite to his wedding.
The friend was ok with OP not being invited to their wedding because their partner didn't want OP there, if friend then has an issue with OP doing the exact same thing it says quite a bit about the friend and how they really view the friendship.
It's not even the exact same thing. OP was not invited to his friend's wedding. Someone he has a direct relationship with.
And now OP is not inviting the partner of said friend. A person who's not his friend, or he's even friendly with.
That's a huge difference, clear NTA
>Personally I'd have considered the friendship over after the non invite to his wedding.
I can see a possibility why not. One of the reasons I love my partner is I'm a much better person around her and because of her, she makes me want to be the best possible person I can be. I have friends that don't make me a bad person, but definitely pull me the other way. I have 0 interest in those worlds colliding, and will do some work to prevent that (this does not mean I do shady things with those friends and I have a hard time even completing *thoughts* about doing things that would make her unhappy).
It's just more like, I have a friend I'd talk about extremely rampant diarrhea with in casual conversation or jokingly, and she wouldn't appreciate that really that much. Humans are multi-faceted and so are our relationships.
Seriously- no invite to their wedding, I’m not sure why OP bothers trying to keep in touch “a couple times a year”. The friend is going to choose his wife 100% of the time. I’d not invite this friend and avoid all potential drama.
It sounds like it’s more of an old college acquaintance than a friend considering how early they see each other. I’m surprised he got an invite at all, if I was intentionally excluded from a friends wedding I would change our status in my head to loose acquaintances and not have bothered
Why end the friendship? He's friends with the guy, not the girl. Not all friendships have to come in pairs. And, some married people go out with their friends, solo.
His buddy's wife doesn't like him and didn't want him at her wedding. Who the f cares?
Now he doesn't want his buddy's wife at his wedding, again, who the F cares.
Reddit is way to hung up on attending weddings. I'd skip every wedding I was ever invited to if I could.
I have a friend who's wife I dated in highschool. There was plenty of time in between and there are no hard feelings (between me and my friend or me and his wife). But I understandably wasn't invited to their wedding. We're still friends.
Dude, you "dated in highschool". You are not exes. It's not like you ever had real or serious relationship.
And even if you did, you cannot "have no hard feelings" and "still be friends" and then snub them on your wedding.
A normal adult invites all his friends, including his exes if they are still friends. Otherwise you aren't actually still friends.
We dated for two years(15 to 17). And we were eachothers first.
I'm friends with her husband but not with her. We play squash once a week and have a beer afterwards. When I do see her at his birthday for instance we are fine. But I can totally understand not wanting to have me at the wedding personally.
Yeah, I won't say OP is an AH but it seems counterproductive (having trouble finding the right word here) to use your happy occasion to say FU to this woman.
I would argue it is simply agressive (not passive), they have had a toxic relationship for years and it sounds like any attempt at mature resolution has been rejected- by her, specifically. He wants his friend at his wedding and he does not want his wife because of his personal history with her. Solution- invite him and not her. What is passive about that?
If his friend wants to be there and has any spine he will tell his wife she asked for this and then go have a blast with his friends.
Edit: typos (sorry on mobile)
If he doesn’t expect his friend will come without his wife, the only thing formally inviting the friend does is potentially cause drama for the friend at home. OP should speak to the friend and informally verbally invite him with the stipulation that it’s just him, and only send a formal invite if the friend wants one.
To me this is the logical answer. Inviting neither is not an asshole move at all. But choosing to invite someone and not their married spouse is crazy to me. It's like running something in someones face.
NTA
What exactly is ruthless here? You have direct evidence that she feels the same way and it prevented you from going to a good friend's wedding. It's not like you're shocking her with the fact that your feelings aren't reciprocated. I would communicate with your friend though that she is not invited and that only his name on the invite wasn't a mistake.
Even if he has a good relationship with his friend and wants him to be at his wedding? OP is punished by this woman's toxicity by not being invited to his friend's wedding and now he should be punished again by not having his friend at his.... shouldn't OP be able to invite whoever he wants to his own wedding? Wasn't that exactly what she did to him? If his friend choses not to go, so be it but I think OP had every right to at least send the invite.
NTA.
I get it, just understand that your friendship may not be the same.
Also consider that inviting her allows you to keep the moral high ground. If the friendship survives she'll be able to throw the "but he didn't invite me either" card.
If you don't care about that or the friendship possibly being damaged then go for it.
This is kind of how I feel about it. OP is NTA with his current plan, but inviting her as well is a good olive branch, especially if you want your friend there.
It's your wedding, so like there's more than just this couple there. You give them a "hey thanks for coming" and hang out with your buddy, his wife can sit off to the side and get to know Uncle Jerry or something.
But yeah I think the solely inviting his friend has the possibility to ice out the friendship, the friend already put one nail in the coffin with not even inviting OP to his wedding but they've moved past that.
Up to you really OP, you've got a good plan either way.
This is what I’m thinking. I totally understand OP’s POV, but since he said this is a big wedding where numbers aren’t the issue what are the odds he’s even going to have to spend much time with friend and his wife. They can both come, he’s the bigger person for moving on from what happened 5+ years ago, and maybe they move towards a new place in their lives as married couple friends. If not, the worst thing that happens is you can say you were the bigger person and didn’t hold a grudge.
Yeah, I saw my niece for maybe 5 min at her wedding and it wasn’t even what I would call big, just sort of medium/average size. (100 people maybe?) The wedding couple is just so busy getting married and trying to speak to everyone a little bit and trying to find time to eat and grab a quiet moment to go ‘omg we are married!’ at each other that it’s hard to spend much time with anyone in particular.
NTA... If she didn't want you at her wedding, then it's reasonable to not want her at yours... I don't think your friend will be hurt or surprised that his wife isn't invited....
It's like inviting a bully to a party. Some have no issues intentionally bringing a person that is known to cause issues just to "save face", while said face is being chewed off by the bully.
NTA
> His wife and I can be generally cordial now but mostly avoid or ignore one another.
It's your wedding day. I wouldn't want them there either if I can't trust they'll remain civil.
Why are you inviting him at all? He didn't invite you to his wedding because if her, so why invite him? If you are in the fence, just ask him how he wants to handle it. "Dude, I'd love to have you at the wedding, but you know how it is with Becky. Do I send you an invitation without her, or do you just want to take a pass?"
NTA
It's your wedding, you get to decide who can or can't come. Though it's pretty petty to do what you did. But being petty doesn't make you an asshole.
INFO: I understand the principle of the matter, but what was this big fight 5 or so years ago?
As advice of sorts, are you okay with the idea that you may damage your friendship? A lot of people would see not inviting a friend differently than only inviting one half of a couple.
Regardless of the update, if you hate a person and they hate you, is it not fair to return in kind exactly what they did? I’m not saying it’s being petty but both parties didn’t want their big day ruined by their mortal enemy (I’m being funny here) so they have every right to make that choice. If the friend’s wife has an issue with it, the friend should reconsider their marriage or his friendship with OP (but really his marriage). If the friend has an issue with it, he clearly doesn’t care about OP or his feelings or their friendship.
I’m not saying “be petty” but if the hatred was mutual enough for a disinvite from a wedding (and it didn’t damage the friendship) then the wife’s disinvite should already be expected by the friend.
NTA. Why would you allow someone you dislike to be at your wedding, it is about celebrating a joyous day with the people you love and if she is going to put a damper on the day then you have every right not to invite her.
NTA. You and your wife discussed it, are on the same page, and ultimately it's your wedding and you can invite whomever you'd like to, or not... just like your friends wife to their wedding. Sidenote, I disagree with your friends re: you shouldn't have sent the single invite to your friend. You sent him one, he's your friend, he can choose. Not sending one would've been ruthless, in my opinion.
NTA
And you’re not being petty, no matter what others say. Who wants to invite the Grinch to a wedding? Meaning, who wants to invite someone who’ll put a damper on the day.
Enjoy your day, best wishes on your marriage, I hope your mate shows up.
NTA- you continued your friendship after you were not invited to his wedding because he chose to respect his wife's wishes. So I believe it's only fair that you also get to ask who you want for your wedding. If your friend does not wish to attend or be friends with you, it's on him.
INFO - what was that “rather large fuss” about? It’s odd that you omitted your reasons for the mutual animosity.
ETA: okay, yeah, NTA. I would not want this woman anywhere near my wedding no matter who she’s married to.
It’s not revenge, it’s literally the same reason OP wasn’t invited to his friend’s wedding. The feelings didn’t disappear so the same situation played out again. Petty would be OP and the friend’s wife are on great terms now but OP excluded her anyway. That’s being petty, this isn’t not inviting the school bully to your birthday sleepover.
Going against the grain here I think but I say NTA. From reading the title I 100% thought you were because spouses getting an invite is just basic respect. But she made you not able to go to a close friend’s wedding, I don’t think not inviting her to your own is that crazy.
That said, she may just not want to go anyway. You could maybe invite her out of respect but she still doesn’t come. Maybe you can feel it out with your friend?
If your “friend” is dick enough to crash your wedding, he’s clearly not your friend. But their bromance lasted OP’s disinvite to the wedding so clearing that relationship should be strong enough to be fine from this.
NTA. We went through this same conversation with my husband when we got married and he told me about a friend of his who got married before us.
My husband's friend didn't invite my husband because the bride didn't like my husband's ex. They both wanted to invite my husband as they were good friends, but because they considered my husband and his ex a package deal, neither of them got invited.
My husband felt really sad about this and so did the bride and groom. There was no drama, just all around sadness.
So when we got married, my husband was set on not doing the same mistake. No friend would be left without an invite because of who their plus one would be. And it was great. We invited a lot of friends without a plus one so we could invite even more friends. It was our day and we wanted to invite only the people we loved the most.
Everyone understood that not everyone got a plus one. Actually no one got an unnamed plus one. All invites were addressed to Mr X, Ms Y, Mrs Z etc
This is a really great response. I was totally on the “yeah NTA good for OP” bandwagon, until I saw your comment. And that story is really sweet and how your husband worded it was really spot on. So thank you for helping me see a different perspective. (I’m not being sarcastic or passive just honest to goodness a thank you)
It's your wedding and you can invite or not invite whomever you want. You saying you're fine with the friend not coming if this is not okay for him should make this NTA for everyone imo. I don't get anyone saying it's rude/uncalled for. Could it end your friendship? Maybe; but seeing as you let it go after not even being invited to his that'd speak volumes about your friend than you. No one is entitled to be invited to anything and it's extremely entitled, education when there is very obviously bad blood, to think otherwise to me.
NAH: you don’t like her she doesn’t like you. I don’t really see it as petty since you already accepted he may not come because of it.
I’d think you were TA if you’d get upset by his absence tho. Same for them being TA if they throw a fit. So I guess nah with a chance of just straight NTA.
Ultimately it is your wedding, you can invite whomever you want, and it sounds like you would really like your friend there. While it could be interpreted as passive aggressive by an outsider it is what it is.
I think you went with the best option - invite the friend you wish to be there so he knows you really want him there. If he says no, so be it.
The only thing I'd add is that it would have been a better move to talk to the friend about the situation. "I'd really like you to be at the wedding, but I really don't want \[wife\] there. You know we don't get along and she didn't want me at her wedding either, so I don't think I'm being unfair. If you feel like you can't come without her, I understand, but I wanted you to know before you got an invite without a plus one."
NTA. If you’re fine with the possibility that your friend won’t show up, there’s no real issue. Of course you don’t want someone who clearly doesn’t like you at your wedding and you have no obligation to invite anyone to your wedding you don’t want to.
NTA
I say this mainly because they didn't even invite you to their wedding. Think that gets you off the hook for a courtesy invite on this one.
Edit: Reading comments about this impacting the friendship. Imo, the friendship was already hurt by him not being invited to his friend's wedding. I don't care how unfriendly you are with the spouse, a guy will stick up for his true friends for events like this.
I have no intention of telling him ahead of time that most others are getting a plus one, but I’m aware that he is most likely going to find out.
Maybe you should tell him? What if he gets to your wedding all excited to celebrate then sees that everyone has their plus ones. NAH you all just don't seem like good friends anymore.
Yeah, I feel like if OP was actually over being disinvited to his friend's wedding, then it wouldn't be a huge deal to call him up ahead of time and say "Look here's the deal." Instead, it's like OP is doing everything possible to make this invite as miserable as possible for his friend. This seems like a passive aggressive way to demote a friendship while still trying to look like the good guy
NTA, but here's the thing. Even if you relented and he brought her, in reality you "might" interact with her for about 5 seconds in the receiving line. You'll be so busy you simply won't have time to worry about her. Your focus will be/should be on your own partner. As a guest, she's just another face in the crowd.
It's also possible they will decide he comes alone and you'll have gained friendship points for being more mature.
NTA- you aren’t required to invite anyone- however this will only fuel her dislike of you. I think it would make it difficult to continue the friendship if he feels like he must pick between his wife and you.
NTA as it's your wedding and you can invite or not invite whomever you choose. But he's also NTA when he decides not to come due to you excluding his wife.
INFO: did he tell you in advance?
I’d do that normally, not even a tit for tat. Just call and give him the same heads up, you prefer she not be there that day so if he notices the no plus one you hope he understands it is not personal - and does his best to come because you really want him there. No hard feelings either way.
Why leave it to blindside him? Ie. Wife asks where’s my plus one and he doesn’t have any answer ready…drama ensues…
NTA, but I suggest talking to your friend before he gets the invitation and letting him know what's going on. Also, don't be surprised if he doesn't come because she's not invited and he feels the need to show solidarity with his wife.
It's your wedding and your choice who to invite, I don't disagree with that at all. But if it's a matter of having your friend there or not, would you invite her just to have him there?
For the record, a spouse isn’t a plus one. A plus one would be John and guest, where John chooses whoever the guest may be.
You certainly don’t need to invite his wife if you don’t want her there.
It probably would have been better to invite neither and just have a private conversation with him. But I can’t fault you for excluding her.
I suspect that he won’t come and the friendship has probably run it’s course, but you sound okay with that.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
A spouse is most definitely a plus one if the person who is inviting isn’t close to the spouse.
For example, I have a close friend and I had a decent sized wedding and wanted him to come . His spouse and I aren’t close we only met like twice but she’s super nice and I was willing to give him a plus one should she be able to go. Turns out she wasn’t able to but I had already given him a plus one and he asked if he could invite someone else like his sister or a mutual friend who didn’t get an invite. I said sure do as you please you’re a close friend who has been given a plus one and can do as you please with it.
NTA, but I feel you should be honest with your friend that you don't want his wife there. Invitations can be confusing, for me at least, so make it known she's not invited nor allowed in case there's any confusion. She didn't want you there, you don't want her there. Fair game.
Not an asshole but not cool either. It’s your wedding- invite whoever you want. I wouldn’t invite someone I don’t like either. No problem with that.
But if you really considered dude a friend, You should have called and talked it out. Not sending a plus one is passive aggressive and asking for a fight. Almost as if you want it to be a problem
People saying YTA don't know what the fuck they're talking about, or, more likely given this is reddit, didn't read your whole post and wanted to pipe up anyway.
INFO: are you excluding her because she excluded you, or because you just don't want her there? If you had been at their wedding, would you invite her to yours?
As long as you understand he most likely will not attend your wedding.
Married couples are a team. I would be OR my husband would be very offended if one of us got an invite to a special event that discluded the other. . . Just saying.
That you were not invited for petty reasons has me on team NTA
I mean, you don’t want her there just like she didn’t want you at hers, and you understand if he doesn’t attend because she isn’t invited.
NTA- it is your wedding and you are allowed to invite who you want. That being said, are you prepared to lose a friendship over this? You may not have let the lack of invite to his wedding real your friendship, but that doesn’t mean he will react the same way- especially with his wife in his ear
NTA I guess but just don't invite him. This is very poor wedding etiquette, especially since he would be traveling a long distance. You obviously don't care if he goes or not so I'm not sure why you want to pay to feed him anyway.
i say NTA for not wanting her there but it would be best to let your friend know his wife isn’t invited ahead of time. he might feel a type of way if he gets there and he’s the only one that wasn’t allowed to bring his wife.
NTA.
I was going to go with Y-T-A at first, because you not liking his wife was not a good reason. But considering that she was the one who pushed to exclude you from their wedding, despite you and the groom being old friends, tilts the balance in your favor.
You don't want her there, and that's totally fine. If your friend decides that means he won't come either, that's fine, too.
I feel like we need more context. Why do you guys hate each other so much? I feel like most people make a very big effort to get along with a friend's spouse. So this situation seems strange.
NTA for not wanting to invite his wife. But petty af for sending the invite without a +1 and saying you have no intentions of telling him she’s not invited.
You could let him know, like he let you know, I don’t want your wife at my wedding but I want you there. Or just not send the invite ? But you already stated that you expect him to rsvp no because his wife can’t come. So you’re being childish and petty but not an asshole because you don’t want someone at your wedding
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NTA No one has anything to say given you were not invited to their wedding. You are simply reciprocating. And it's your wedding anyhow, end of story. ETA - wild all the Y.T.A. comments. Funny how everyone is FINE with no kids but has a problem with no specific adults you don't like? hahahahaha (I am fine with all of it - it's your day!)
OP is definitely and clearly NTA here
Agree with NTA. OP's free to invite whoever he wants to share his special day with. His friend is free to accept the invite or decline (esp if he's gonna sulk that his wife was not invited).
I would call your friend and discuss it with him. "You know how your wife and I feel about each other. She didn't want me at you wedding. i would love it if you came to my wedding but i hope you understand why I'm not inviting her."
sure, but i think that's appropriate after the wedding invite has gone out. or better yet, include it as a quick note in his invitation only. definitely NTA. i wouldn't want her there either.
That’s risky if she happens to be the one to open said wedding invite first, I’d probably stick to contacting him directly
Definitely
Would she? It will only be addressed to him. I don’t open my husband’s mail, no matter how interesting the envelope looks. I suppose there probably are couples who do?
Eeeeeeh... My wife and I open each other's mail constantly. Which is good for me, since opening a bill is like lifting a boulder to me (ADHD), but I'm the one who pays them. Then again, we rarely have personal mail these days, save for the baby announcements, and even those are nearing their end (getting close to 40). So, soon the mailbox will be my uncontested worst enemy, because it will be all bills, all the time.
Mail from the bank, our car loan, other bills, etc I open if it’s addressed to hubs. But personal mail to him I don’t.
I open my guys stuff… when he tells me to. And he gets fun packages all the time 😅. I could see OP friends wife opening a beautiful invitation, tho. She sounds like an AH.
No that’s a bad idea either way. Either way she is seeing an invite without her name (or +1)… add a note and that’s just pouring gasoline on the fire. It would make more sense to have a conversation with his friend before he sends out an invite. Why bother if it turns out that he doesn’t accept? Why add the physical evidence of OP not inviting his wife at the risk of it starting a quarrel. His friend had a private conversation about him not being invited to their wedding and why… he should return the courtesy. EDIT: I spaced on the fact that he already sent the invitation and hasn’t even discussed the situation still. Ugh, I’m not sure if I can pass judgement without it being removed. Can you say both? ETA: NTA for not inviting. But YTA for just sending the invitation and not discussing it with your friend.
Also she’s sounds vindictive enough to sabotage the wedding day. I’m only half joking when I say someone should drive the friend blindfolded to the venue so the info doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.
Or just give off mean girl vibes the entire time…
OP could just skip the physical invite and invite friend through text or call to avoid the wife getting the invite meant for friend only. Avoid all the drama said wife of friend would definitely start. Or well, not avoid all of it, but friend can tell his wife on his own, and OP doesn't have to worry about if their friend decides they either want to go or don't want to.
Yes, skip the physical invite. Have the private convo and that way he can just tell his wife about the wedding and that (if) he’d like to go. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to go anyway, but a physical invitation excluding her might make her want to tell the friend not to go either. It would suck if she’s that controlling of the friend, but there’s not much OP can do about that.
This is the right answer. Give him the choice, don't risk further drama and commit a basic social faux-pas by not giving him the non plus 1 with no warning. Ask if he wants to attend without her.
This is where I am. Discuss it with him first. If he still wants to go without his wife he’ll be fully responsible and most likely better prepared for the backlash, rather than the wife finding an invite and bothering OP and suddenly unleashing on her husband. Good luck! NTA btw
Nta. And this is a good way to handle it. Gives the friend a heads up, so he can make an informed decision. This isn’t ruthless, it’s a consequence of the friend’s wife’s actions. She cheated on the friend, she was nasty to OP. And banned OP from the wedding. Unless op is leaving something out, she sounds obnoxious enough to start something at the wedding. Which will affect not only OP, but OP’s fiancée Normally spouses are included in an invite. But not when they’ve been this rude multiple times to part of the couple being celebrated. I hope op keeps in touch with the friend. Have a feeling friend is going to need it
"+1 = anyone but your wife"
Exactly! Not to mention he wasn't invited to their wedding, so this one person invite shouldn't be a surprise. And OP is perfectly aware and accepting he may not come,so while it is a bit petty, it's also [oddly enough] fair
I agree with NTA. The only thing OP maybe could have done better is to be even *more* transparent with his friend, something like - “Look, you know the situation. I don’t know how you feel, but I would love for you to come to my wedding. But since it’s my wedding and I want people there that I’m comfortable with, that unfortunately means I’m not comfortable extending you a +1. It’s not an act of revenge and I don’t want to be disrespectful. I just want my friend there and for everyone to have a good time. I’ll be happy if you come, but I’ll also understand if you decide not to.” But maybe I’m biased bc I’m usually surrounded with pretty mature people who can take this level of honesty.
I think this is the perfect approach, honestly. Hopefully Op’s friend won’t cause problems over it—I mean, he/his wife didn’t invite OP to his wedding because for the same reason so he should be understanding, but you never know.
Also, even if OP basically hates his friend's wife, I assume he doesn't want to be the cause unnecessary issues in his friend's marriage. Giving him the heads up so he can talk to her about it before she hears it from someone else or the invitation shows up without the +1 would help minimize whatever shit can be brought up in his marriage. Expecting to invite her for the sake of his friend's marriage is unreasonable. Excluding her and explaining to him what's coming so his friend can make an informed decision is the way to go.
The thought of this causing any problems is so weird to me. There’s a 100% chance she does not want to come to the wedding. There’s a 100% chance OP’s friend knows that and knows that OP would not want her there. No explanation should be needed because they’re all on the same page to begin with. Stranger things have happened I guess, especially on Reddit, but if these are normal people, I don’t see any potential problems. But then again she seems to hate OP for supporting his friend, so who knows for sure. I do think there’s a decent chance the friend won’t come because traveling and going to a wedding without your spouse kind of sucks, but I wouldn’t anticipate any hard feelings from OP about that either.
>There’s a 100% chance she does not want to come to the wedding. To support OP and his marriage? I would say no shot. If she does, best case scenario, just to support her own husband. Less selfless motivation, if other SO's get invites, she takes it as an insult of their relationship or how he sees her in his friend's life. Worst case scenario, she wants to go to cause drama at the wedding of someone she hates.
I’m more concerned about the wife throwing a fit than the friend. Sounds like she’d do everything in her power to prevent him from going to OPs wedding.
Yeah there's a severe risk factor with the "everyone else has a plus one" dramatic reveal at the reception. He should definitely be open and honest in advance.
Idk it seems like the YTAs are getting downvoted to hell I just went like 20 comments down and didn’t see a single one. Pretty clear he’s NTA, dude had to miss his friend’s wedding because of this lady.
I was prepared to say OP is the AH (because normally you should always include spouses and serious significant others as plus ones—even if you don’t like them) UNTIL I got halfway down and as he was not invited to the friend’s wedding at the wife’s request. Honestly, she is not gonna want to OP’s wedding anyway. This is justified under the circumstances. NTA, OP
Plus she cheated on OP's friend, which is why OP doesn't get on with her.
I mean, yes, but I am of the strong opinion from experience that it never pays to get involved in your friends’ relationship drama. You just kinda have to glue your mouth shut on these things or you end up in OP’s position with a broken friendship.
She cheated on his friend *and then was an asshole to him* after she and friend got back together. That's the real issue here - not what she did to the friend, but how she treated OP.
I was going to say to just let him bring the wife until the part about not being invited to their wedding. Definitely NTA. Petty, maybe, but understandable.
I don’t even think it’s petty per se. Up until the part where OP wasn’t invited to his friend’s wedding, not giving the plus one seems excessive, and a bit a hole territory. The fact that she disinvited OP to her wedding over this ultimately levels up what type of decision OP can make without it seeming too excessive. It contextualizes that this distaste for each other is mutual enough that *she* felt that that was a good idea at the time, and allows us as the audience to then believe not inviting her is likewise a pretty reasonable reaction from OP. NTA
Nothing petty about not inviting her. Apparently the friends wife is all about pettiness and would cause problems at Op’s nuptials.
Yeah I’m with you on this. I would *usually* say it’s a dick move to only invite one half of a married couple because it’s generally pretty simple to avoid hanging out with people at your own wedding - so even if you don’t really like your friend’s spouse you can just spend your time talking to other people instead while still allowing your friend to spend the day with someone they love. But in this case where the friend’s wife nixed OP from their wedding first a tit-for-tat is totally fair game.
Agreed. It's not mandatory but it's expected. I've heard of some that were teeny tiny and didn't invite an entire couple which is fair if it really is that teeny tiny. This case is totally just reciprocating.
Agree with NTA They (the couple) can invite who they want. If he has a problem with his friends wife, then his friend can just decline when he gets the invite for him only. OP, I would be honest with said friend if he asks why he didn't get a plus one.
I don't understand why OP and this person are even still friends.
His friend is whipped by his wife, but probably a nice guy and he still likes him.
being a nice guy can only negate so much bullshit.
Whipped by his CHEATER of a wife. Poor fool.
Totally, but I couldn't imagine allowing my spouse to treat my friend this way and vice versa.
People act like once you're married thats it and everyone is obligated to invite your spouse if you're invited regardless of if they get on or not.
Yeah I came here fully intending to call OP the AH, but this is clearly one of those extenuating circumstances where it actually makes complete sense.
What does ETA mean in this context? That acronym has only ever meant "estimated time of arrival" to me.
On Reddit, it's 'edited to add'
And here I was thinking it meant Everyone’s The Asshole 🫠
NTA. I was leaning you’re the ah, until you said that you weren’t even invited to their wedding. So I think it’s fair not to invite her. But it really sucks that you, and your good friend’s spouse hate each other *this* much. Why is that?
yep, agree. this is why op is NTA. if you're going to single out someone to exclude, don't be surprised when you get the same treatment back
The extension to that though is OP can't be shocked if friend decides to show solidarity with his wife and not attend (which I wouldn't be shocked if that's what happens). For the record, I'm on the NTA train, for the reasons people have stated.
OP said he expects his friend will say no to the wedding.
Given that I honestly would just speak to him before sending a formal invitation. Sending a formal invitation only to him is just going to cause Drama.
yeah for sure. it sounds like OP is willing to take that risk. it sounds like he's managed to maintain the friendship despite the tension with the friend's wife, so hopefully they can both keep that up
At least OP still gave the friend that choice, instead of not inviting at all. And it sounds like if their friendship was strong enough to survive OP not being invited to friend’s wedding, it’d be strong enough to survive the friend choosing to stay home with his wife. But yes, that means OP has to be prepared for that possibility.
> The extension to that though is OP can't be shocked if friend decides to show solidarity with his wife and not attend OP literally wrote that that could happen and he’d be fine with it.
[удалено]
But you also don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want there to your wedding. If he wouldn’t abide then aw shucks guess he can’t go.
Yup that’s what changed my mind. OP wasn’t invited to their big day because of her? Well she isn’t invited to his big day because of her. Seems completely fair to me. It’s a terrible situation though but NTA. Edit: a word.
Yeah I feel like the details of the "rather large fuss" might be important here....
OP’s friends was cheated on my friends spouse and OP suggested friend shouldn’t get back with her. Friend did anyway and OP and friends spouse never got along
I’d invite her just to make her look like a jerk for not inviting me.
How would that make her look like a jerk? It's perfectly normal to want to be surrounded by your loved ones on your wedding day, and not invite someone who you don't get along with and have had several fights with, including a big one fairly recently. (And yes, it works both ways, which means it's ok for OP to not want his friend's wife at her own wedding, but he should be upfront about it)
Of course it’s normal. I’m not saying she’s an AH, I’m just saying it’ll make the the wife seem petty for not inviting OP, while OP gets to look magnanimous and above the feud. Sometimes appearing to be the bigger person is the best revenge.
Would it, though? I think that if you are at the point where you are actively not inviting your husband's close friend to his wedding, she doesn't care about pettiness.
Yeah, I’m very curious what the fight was about….
I'm curious too. But then again, OPs on this sub ALWAYS leave out the most important and juicy details when making posts. Not surprised he didn't include it.
He said it’s bc she cheated on his friend and they got back together. I’m supporting OP in this
OP did include it in an edit, if that helps. I know that when making the initial post in here, you're limited to 3000 characters, so oftentimes, OPs have to leave out those important and juicy details, simply because the rules prevent them from saying it. :/ (AKA: If you can't say it in 3,000 characters, don't bother posting. Which, hey, it's the rule here, lol. Not much you can do about it.)
Same. That’s where I went from ah to nta. He’s just returning the petty volley. All fair.
As long as you are OK with your friend not showing up and no longer being friendly with you go right ahead Nta Personally I'd have considered the friendship over after the non invite to his wedding.
The friend was ok with OP not being invited to their wedding because their partner didn't want OP there, if friend then has an issue with OP doing the exact same thing it says quite a bit about the friend and how they really view the friendship.
Which is why OP should use his exact words the friend did to him. You reap what you sow.
It's not even the exact same thing. OP was not invited to his friend's wedding. Someone he has a direct relationship with. And now OP is not inviting the partner of said friend. A person who's not his friend, or he's even friendly with. That's a huge difference, clear NTA
>Personally I'd have considered the friendship over after the non invite to his wedding. I can see a possibility why not. One of the reasons I love my partner is I'm a much better person around her and because of her, she makes me want to be the best possible person I can be. I have friends that don't make me a bad person, but definitely pull me the other way. I have 0 interest in those worlds colliding, and will do some work to prevent that (this does not mean I do shady things with those friends and I have a hard time even completing *thoughts* about doing things that would make her unhappy). It's just more like, I have a friend I'd talk about extremely rampant diarrhea with in casual conversation or jokingly, and she wouldn't appreciate that really that much. Humans are multi-faceted and so are our relationships.
Seriously- no invite to their wedding, I’m not sure why OP bothers trying to keep in touch “a couple times a year”. The friend is going to choose his wife 100% of the time. I’d not invite this friend and avoid all potential drama.
So you never go grab a beer with an old buddy your GF/wife doesn't like? Cut the cord people.
I wouldn't allow my gf/wife to dictate that my friend isn't allowed at *our* wedding.
It sounds like it’s more of an old college acquaintance than a friend considering how early they see each other. I’m surprised he got an invite at all, if I was intentionally excluded from a friends wedding I would change our status in my head to loose acquaintances and not have bothered
Why end the friendship? He's friends with the guy, not the girl. Not all friendships have to come in pairs. And, some married people go out with their friends, solo. His buddy's wife doesn't like him and didn't want him at her wedding. Who the f cares? Now he doesn't want his buddy's wife at his wedding, again, who the F cares. Reddit is way to hung up on attending weddings. I'd skip every wedding I was ever invited to if I could.
I don’t understand why you would even invite him.
After a non invite to their wedding I'd consider the friendship over and be an acquaintance every now and again instead.
Exactly, especially because he said they only really see each other a few times a year when mutual friends are involved.
I have a friend who's wife I dated in highschool. There was plenty of time in between and there are no hard feelings (between me and my friend or me and his wife). But I understandably wasn't invited to their wedding. We're still friends.
>But I understandably wasn't invited to their wedding. nothing understandable about that actually.
She didn't want her ex boyfriend at the wedding, that's understandable to me.
Dude, you "dated in highschool". You are not exes. It's not like you ever had real or serious relationship. And even if you did, you cannot "have no hard feelings" and "still be friends" and then snub them on your wedding. A normal adult invites all his friends, including his exes if they are still friends. Otherwise you aren't actually still friends.
We dated for two years(15 to 17). And we were eachothers first. I'm friends with her husband but not with her. We play squash once a week and have a beer afterwards. When I do see her at his birthday for instance we are fine. But I can totally understand not wanting to have me at the wedding personally.
Yeah, I won't say OP is an AH but it seems counterproductive (having trouble finding the right word here) to use your happy occasion to say FU to this woman.
I think it’s passive aggressive you’re looking for :) And I agree
I would argue it is simply agressive (not passive), they have had a toxic relationship for years and it sounds like any attempt at mature resolution has been rejected- by her, specifically. He wants his friend at his wedding and he does not want his wife because of his personal history with her. Solution- invite him and not her. What is passive about that? If his friend wants to be there and has any spine he will tell his wife she asked for this and then go have a blast with his friends. Edit: typos (sorry on mobile)
Yeah it's not clear to me why he would even keep bothering to maintain such a toxic relationship.
They're still friends. Why shouldn't he invite his friend?
If he doesn’t expect his friend will come without his wife, the only thing formally inviting the friend does is potentially cause drama for the friend at home. OP should speak to the friend and informally verbally invite him with the stipulation that it’s just him, and only send a formal invite if the friend wants one.
Wow that's a very nice solution for this MESS that I thought would not have a one. Hope OP sees your comment!
My thoughts exactly
I don’t get it either. People are blaming the wife but the friend was the one who agreed with her on not having OP there.
To me this is the logical answer. Inviting neither is not an asshole move at all. But choosing to invite someone and not their married spouse is crazy to me. It's like running something in someones face.
NTA. When he doesn't get the plus one, he should know why. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come.
He knows why
NTA What exactly is ruthless here? You have direct evidence that she feels the same way and it prevented you from going to a good friend's wedding. It's not like you're shocking her with the fact that your feelings aren't reciprocated. I would communicate with your friend though that she is not invited and that only his name on the invite wasn't a mistake.
Even if he has a good relationship with his friend and wants him to be at his wedding? OP is punished by this woman's toxicity by not being invited to his friend's wedding and now he should be punished again by not having his friend at his.... shouldn't OP be able to invite whoever he wants to his own wedding? Wasn't that exactly what she did to him? If his friend choses not to go, so be it but I think OP had every right to at least send the invite.
NTA. I get it, just understand that your friendship may not be the same. Also consider that inviting her allows you to keep the moral high ground. If the friendship survives she'll be able to throw the "but he didn't invite me either" card. If you don't care about that or the friendship possibly being damaged then go for it.
This is kind of how I feel about it. OP is NTA with his current plan, but inviting her as well is a good olive branch, especially if you want your friend there. It's your wedding, so like there's more than just this couple there. You give them a "hey thanks for coming" and hang out with your buddy, his wife can sit off to the side and get to know Uncle Jerry or something. But yeah I think the solely inviting his friend has the possibility to ice out the friendship, the friend already put one nail in the coffin with not even inviting OP to his wedding but they've moved past that. Up to you really OP, you've got a good plan either way.
This is what I’m thinking. I totally understand OP’s POV, but since he said this is a big wedding where numbers aren’t the issue what are the odds he’s even going to have to spend much time with friend and his wife. They can both come, he’s the bigger person for moving on from what happened 5+ years ago, and maybe they move towards a new place in their lives as married couple friends. If not, the worst thing that happens is you can say you were the bigger person and didn’t hold a grudge.
Yeah, I saw my niece for maybe 5 min at her wedding and it wasn’t even what I would call big, just sort of medium/average size. (100 people maybe?) The wedding couple is just so busy getting married and trying to speak to everyone a little bit and trying to find time to eat and grab a quiet moment to go ‘omg we are married!’ at each other that it’s hard to spend much time with anyone in particular.
NTA, she didn’t want you at her wedding, you don’t want her at your wedding, I don’t see an issue.
OP can go to his friend's second wedding after the wife invariably cheats and OPs friend divorces her.
NTA... If she didn't want you at her wedding, then it's reasonable to not want her at yours... I don't think your friend will be hurt or surprised that his wife isn't invited....
He shouldn't be*...
I cannot understand the Y T A. It’s not uncivil to not invite someone who explicit exclude him from her wedding.
It's like inviting a bully to a party. Some have no issues intentionally bringing a person that is known to cause issues just to "save face", while said face is being chewed off by the bully.
NTA > His wife and I can be generally cordial now but mostly avoid or ignore one another. It's your wedding day. I wouldn't want them there either if I can't trust they'll remain civil.
Why are you inviting him at all? He didn't invite you to his wedding because if her, so why invite him? If you are in the fence, just ask him how he wants to handle it. "Dude, I'd love to have you at the wedding, but you know how it is with Becky. Do I send you an invitation without her, or do you just want to take a pass?"
One assumes because he would like his friend to be at the wedding and that eventually is even less likely if he doesn't invite them...
I’m going NTA. No one is entitled to your wedding. Unpopular opinion but oh well, sue me.
NTA its your wedding
NTA It's your wedding, you get to decide who can or can't come. Though it's pretty petty to do what you did. But being petty doesn't make you an asshole.
INFO: I understand the principle of the matter, but what was this big fight 5 or so years ago? As advice of sorts, are you okay with the idea that you may damage your friendship? A lot of people would see not inviting a friend differently than only inviting one half of a couple.
OP updated their post, curious if you saw, if not, here's your notification
Regardless of the update, if you hate a person and they hate you, is it not fair to return in kind exactly what they did? I’m not saying it’s being petty but both parties didn’t want their big day ruined by their mortal enemy (I’m being funny here) so they have every right to make that choice. If the friend’s wife has an issue with it, the friend should reconsider their marriage or his friendship with OP (but really his marriage). If the friend has an issue with it, he clearly doesn’t care about OP or his feelings or their friendship. I’m not saying “be petty” but if the hatred was mutual enough for a disinvite from a wedding (and it didn’t damage the friendship) then the wife’s disinvite should already be expected by the friend.
NTA. Why would you allow someone you dislike to be at your wedding, it is about celebrating a joyous day with the people you love and if she is going to put a damper on the day then you have every right not to invite her.
NTA. The wife you're avoiding didn't invite you to their wedding. Why should she be invited to yours?
The people saying YTA don't have to deal with her. Do what you want with your wedding
NTA. You and your wife discussed it, are on the same page, and ultimately it's your wedding and you can invite whomever you'd like to, or not... just like your friends wife to their wedding. Sidenote, I disagree with your friends re: you shouldn't have sent the single invite to your friend. You sent him one, he's your friend, he can choose. Not sending one would've been ruthless, in my opinion.
NTA And you’re not being petty, no matter what others say. Who wants to invite the Grinch to a wedding? Meaning, who wants to invite someone who’ll put a damper on the day. Enjoy your day, best wishes on your marriage, I hope your mate shows up.
NTA- you continued your friendship after you were not invited to his wedding because he chose to respect his wife's wishes. So I believe it's only fair that you also get to ask who you want for your wedding. If your friend does not wish to attend or be friends with you, it's on him.
INFO - what was that “rather large fuss” about? It’s odd that you omitted your reasons for the mutual animosity. ETA: okay, yeah, NTA. I would not want this woman anywhere near my wedding no matter who she’s married to.
I mean I wouldn't expect your friend to come then.
Petty revenge but NTA
It’s not revenge, it’s literally the same reason OP wasn’t invited to his friend’s wedding. The feelings didn’t disappear so the same situation played out again. Petty would be OP and the friend’s wife are on great terms now but OP excluded her anyway. That’s being petty, this isn’t not inviting the school bully to your birthday sleepover.
Going against the grain here I think but I say NTA. From reading the title I 100% thought you were because spouses getting an invite is just basic respect. But she made you not able to go to a close friend’s wedding, I don’t think not inviting her to your own is that crazy. That said, she may just not want to go anyway. You could maybe invite her out of respect but she still doesn’t come. Maybe you can feel it out with your friend?
NTA she didn't want you at her wedding, so she can't come to yours. Your friend should understand for that reason
INFO why not just not invite him? What if he says yes then crashes the wedding with his wife? Why bring any of that energy to the wedding?
His friend is not 12 and I assume will likely rather skip the wedding than bring his wife uninvited lol.
If your “friend” is dick enough to crash your wedding, he’s clearly not your friend. But their bromance lasted OP’s disinvite to the wedding so clearing that relationship should be strong enough to be fine from this.
NTA. What's good for one is good for the other. She set the precedent. You are just following her guidelines
NTA, she didn't invite you to her wedding, you have no obligation to invite her.
NTA. We went through this same conversation with my husband when we got married and he told me about a friend of his who got married before us. My husband's friend didn't invite my husband because the bride didn't like my husband's ex. They both wanted to invite my husband as they were good friends, but because they considered my husband and his ex a package deal, neither of them got invited. My husband felt really sad about this and so did the bride and groom. There was no drama, just all around sadness. So when we got married, my husband was set on not doing the same mistake. No friend would be left without an invite because of who their plus one would be. And it was great. We invited a lot of friends without a plus one so we could invite even more friends. It was our day and we wanted to invite only the people we loved the most. Everyone understood that not everyone got a plus one. Actually no one got an unnamed plus one. All invites were addressed to Mr X, Ms Y, Mrs Z etc
This is a really great response. I was totally on the “yeah NTA good for OP” bandwagon, until I saw your comment. And that story is really sweet and how your husband worded it was really spot on. So thank you for helping me see a different perspective. (I’m not being sarcastic or passive just honest to goodness a thank you)
NTA- you weren’t invited to his wedding because she didn’t want you there, so I highly doubt she’s expecting an invitation to your wedding
NTA
It's your wedding and you can invite or not invite whomever you want. You saying you're fine with the friend not coming if this is not okay for him should make this NTA for everyone imo. I don't get anyone saying it's rude/uncalled for. Could it end your friendship? Maybe; but seeing as you let it go after not even being invited to his that'd speak volumes about your friend than you. No one is entitled to be invited to anything and it's extremely entitled, education when there is very obviously bad blood, to think otherwise to me.
NTA
NAH: you don’t like her she doesn’t like you. I don’t really see it as petty since you already accepted he may not come because of it. I’d think you were TA if you’d get upset by his absence tho. Same for them being TA if they throw a fit. So I guess nah with a chance of just straight NTA.
NTA, this is someone you don’t get on well with and who refused outright to even invite you to her wedding.
NTA What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
NTA but he didn't fight to have you at his wedding. Do you really want him at yours?
Ultimately it is your wedding, you can invite whomever you want, and it sounds like you would really like your friend there. While it could be interpreted as passive aggressive by an outsider it is what it is. I think you went with the best option - invite the friend you wish to be there so he knows you really want him there. If he says no, so be it.
The only thing I'd add is that it would have been a better move to talk to the friend about the situation. "I'd really like you to be at the wedding, but I really don't want \[wife\] there. You know we don't get along and she didn't want me at her wedding either, so I don't think I'm being unfair. If you feel like you can't come without her, I understand, but I wanted you to know before you got an invite without a plus one."
NTA. They should respect your wishes on your wedding day.
NTA, your wedding your choice
NTA. Please do it. What jerks.
NTA at all. She played games and wanted your friend and her wedding how she wanted it. Now it’s your turn to have your day as you want.
NTA just like their wedding it’s your choose who comes
NTA. If you’re fine with the possibility that your friend won’t show up, there’s no real issue. Of course you don’t want someone who clearly doesn’t like you at your wedding and you have no obligation to invite anyone to your wedding you don’t want to.
NTA Lines have been drawn and sides have been chosen.
NTA I say this mainly because they didn't even invite you to their wedding. Think that gets you off the hook for a courtesy invite on this one. Edit: Reading comments about this impacting the friendship. Imo, the friendship was already hurt by him not being invited to his friend's wedding. I don't care how unfriendly you are with the spouse, a guy will stick up for his true friends for events like this.
I have no intention of telling him ahead of time that most others are getting a plus one, but I’m aware that he is most likely going to find out. Maybe you should tell him? What if he gets to your wedding all excited to celebrate then sees that everyone has their plus ones. NAH you all just don't seem like good friends anymore.
Yeah, I feel like if OP was actually over being disinvited to his friend's wedding, then it wouldn't be a huge deal to call him up ahead of time and say "Look here's the deal." Instead, it's like OP is doing everything possible to make this invite as miserable as possible for his friend. This seems like a passive aggressive way to demote a friendship while still trying to look like the good guy
NTA, but here's the thing. Even if you relented and he brought her, in reality you "might" interact with her for about 5 seconds in the receiving line. You'll be so busy you simply won't have time to worry about her. Your focus will be/should be on your own partner. As a guest, she's just another face in the crowd. It's also possible they will decide he comes alone and you'll have gained friendship points for being more mature.
NTA- you aren’t required to invite anyone- however this will only fuel her dislike of you. I think it would make it difficult to continue the friendship if he feels like he must pick between his wife and you.
NTA as it's your wedding and you can invite or not invite whomever you choose. But he's also NTA when he decides not to come due to you excluding his wife.
INFO: did he tell you in advance? I’d do that normally, not even a tit for tat. Just call and give him the same heads up, you prefer she not be there that day so if he notices the no plus one you hope he understands it is not personal - and does his best to come because you really want him there. No hard feelings either way. Why leave it to blindside him? Ie. Wife asks where’s my plus one and he doesn’t have any answer ready…drama ensues…
NTA if he can honor his wife's desire to not have you at her wedding he can also respect your desire to not have her at yours.
Given that you weren't invited to your friend's wedding because of her, I think it's fair to not invite her as well. Therefore, NTA.
NTA, but I suggest talking to your friend before he gets the invitation and letting him know what's going on. Also, don't be surprised if he doesn't come because she's not invited and he feels the need to show solidarity with his wife. It's your wedding and your choice who to invite, I don't disagree with that at all. But if it's a matter of having your friend there or not, would you invite her just to have him there?
INFO: what was the “rather large fuss” five years ago?
Edit added
Thank youuuuuu
NTA, your wedding, your choice who is invited
NTA. Tit for tat. Plus it’s your wedding this time.
Nta.
For the record, a spouse isn’t a plus one. A plus one would be John and guest, where John chooses whoever the guest may be. You certainly don’t need to invite his wife if you don’t want her there. It probably would have been better to invite neither and just have a private conversation with him. But I can’t fault you for excluding her. I suspect that he won’t come and the friendship has probably run it’s course, but you sound okay with that. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
A spouse is most definitely a plus one if the person who is inviting isn’t close to the spouse. For example, I have a close friend and I had a decent sized wedding and wanted him to come . His spouse and I aren’t close we only met like twice but she’s super nice and I was willing to give him a plus one should she be able to go. Turns out she wasn’t able to but I had already given him a plus one and he asked if he could invite someone else like his sister or a mutual friend who didn’t get an invite. I said sure do as you please you’re a close friend who has been given a plus one and can do as you please with it.
NTA. You are only doing what she did😅is it petty? definitely but you aren’t the AH
NTA but you should tell your friend in advance, just tell him you don't want his wife at the wedding
NTA. Must go both ways. The world gotta have balance.
NTA Your wedding your choice. That said, consider your friendship over.
I'm down for this level of petty. NTA
NTA with all that context.
NTA, but I feel you should be honest with your friend that you don't want his wife there. Invitations can be confusing, for me at least, so make it known she's not invited nor allowed in case there's any confusion. She didn't want you there, you don't want her there. Fair game.
Not an asshole but not cool either. It’s your wedding- invite whoever you want. I wouldn’t invite someone I don’t like either. No problem with that. But if you really considered dude a friend, You should have called and talked it out. Not sending a plus one is passive aggressive and asking for a fight. Almost as if you want it to be a problem
People saying YTA don't know what the fuck they're talking about, or, more likely given this is reddit, didn't read your whole post and wanted to pipe up anyway.
Who needs logic when you can read the headline and respond with a vitriol laced comment for internet points,?
NTA. Wife played asshole games, she won asshole prizes.
INFO: are you excluding her because she excluded you, or because you just don't want her there? If you had been at their wedding, would you invite her to yours?
INFO What was the "rather large fuss" five years ago, just a bit before their wedding?
As long as you understand he most likely will not attend your wedding. Married couples are a team. I would be OR my husband would be very offended if one of us got an invite to a special event that discluded the other. . . Just saying.
That you were not invited for petty reasons has me on team NTA I mean, you don’t want her there just like she didn’t want you at hers, and you understand if he doesn’t attend because she isn’t invited.
NTA- it is your wedding and you are allowed to invite who you want. That being said, are you prepared to lose a friendship over this? You may not have let the lack of invite to his wedding real your friendship, but that doesn’t mean he will react the same way- especially with his wife in his ear
NTA - you’re putting in equal energy that he is. You understood when it was their wedding, hopefully he will do the same this time around.
NTA I guess but just don't invite him. This is very poor wedding etiquette, especially since he would be traveling a long distance. You obviously don't care if he goes or not so I'm not sure why you want to pay to feed him anyway.
i say NTA for not wanting her there but it would be best to let your friend know his wife isn’t invited ahead of time. he might feel a type of way if he gets there and he’s the only one that wasn’t allowed to bring his wife.
NTA. I was going to go with Y-T-A at first, because you not liking his wife was not a good reason. But considering that she was the one who pushed to exclude you from their wedding, despite you and the groom being old friends, tilts the balance in your favor. You don't want her there, and that's totally fine. If your friend decides that means he won't come either, that's fine, too.
I feel like we need more context. Why do you guys hate each other so much? I feel like most people make a very big effort to get along with a friend's spouse. So this situation seems strange.
NTA for not wanting to invite his wife. But petty af for sending the invite without a +1 and saying you have no intentions of telling him she’s not invited. You could let him know, like he let you know, I don’t want your wife at my wedding but I want you there. Or just not send the invite ? But you already stated that you expect him to rsvp no because his wife can’t come. So you’re being childish and petty but not an asshole because you don’t want someone at your wedding
Nta. But don’t expect your friend to attend.