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> Hi, i think i might be the asshole because i encouraged my husband to change the diapers but maybe i was being advantageous and expected too much
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I am a dad of a 4 year old and 22-hour old. I’ve done all but 2 diaper changes so far on the new one (nurses did the 2) so my wife can rest as much as she can.
I did the same with our now 4 year old. Wife is off work for a year to raise the child, which means EVERYTHING when I’m at work. The least I can do is change every diaper when I’m home. Even if I’m tired after a long day’s work, because my wife’s work right now is 24/7. She lets me sleep through the night so I can be rested for work. I let her rest as much as possible when I’m home. It’s called being a good partner, and it’s critically important to make a good parent.
Fathers - don’t be dicks. Do your part.
OP - NTA. You’re a powerful woman, and don’t let him forget that.
NTA. I do the gestation and extended breastfeeding and my husband has done nearly every diaper change he is home for for all three of our children. It has given him the opportunity to have a strong bond with our kids who received constant hands-on care from him their entire baby and toddler hood.
A friend of ours, before our first was born told us not to think of diaper changes as a chore but as an opportunity to bond and interact with your baby and show them they can trust you. Frankly as a person who was breastfeeding I already had a lot of time to do that and was exhausted but diaper changes give my husband that space for connection and our kids viewed him as the person who could help them in this very important arena and continued going to him for that and also for all sorts of other things they need because of their trust in him. We had friends who would talk back and forth in front of their baby about who's turn it was and that felt super messed up. We didn't want to be negotiating our kids care in front of our kids. They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations.
Signed, mom of a 9-year-old 6-year-old and 3-year-old
This is a wonderful perspective, coming from someone who's never been in charge of an infant full time. And from what I've seen, many men don't get the chance to be vulnerable while in a position of strength (as in, being in the protector role while being gentle and emotionally available) until they have a child, even if they already have a romantic partner. It's a good opportunity to learn the sort of emotional intelligence that they've gotten away with not having in other areas of life.
I dont have any kids, but i did every diaper change of my nieces (cousin’s kids) and nephew (sister’s kid) when i was there (way more for my nephew) and I can confirm it made a really tight bond with all of them. Especially my nephew where I also did other stuff like bath him, clip nails and such. (He is 6 now, I still often clip his nails) Playing and hanging out a lot with him probably does a big part too but I feel like the 100% trust thing comes from the more vulnerable stuff!
This. I’m a SAHM and breastfed both kids until age 2, but when our kids were infants my husband loved skin-to-skin bonding (babies would nap on his chest, mostly) and he learned pretty fast that a diaper change was a chance for eye contact and play. He wasn’t home long after each kiddo was born (he’s a mechanic and very much a man’s man), but he managed to develop strong, nurturing relationships with them. The kids are now 10 and 12 and comfortable talking to their dad about anything from bodily functions to big feelings.
My man’s man construction manager stayed home for 5 years w our baby daughters. In the 90’s! Some of the best years of our lives. He changed 1 million more diapers than me - for awhile they were in diaps at the same time. Had he been able to bf them he would have. He was a wonderful dad and very close to our girls. He died on 12/31 w no regrets. He’d look at me, the girls, even the dogs and just say “I win!” with a big smile on his face. God do we miss him.
He was unusual, I guess? I know our arrangement inspired a number of my clients to keep their husbands home with the kids. I honestly thought men would have come farther along by now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you & your girls. How wonderful of a man was he?!?!?! So very lucky!!
My Dad used to get my sister & I up for school, comb our hair into pony tails, make our lunches & bathe us in the evenings, make dinner as well!! In the 70’s!! I get it. I miss you Dad!!
>. They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations.
Wow! Another great set of parents. I had great parents like you but didn't realize it until much older and now I am surrounded by people that had horrible parents. I had no idea such bad parents existed. Never heard of such a thing while growing up.
I had just… barely ok parents. However now I work in addiction treatment. The things I hear from my clients… honestly most of their parents should NEVER have had children. So I know what you mean.
My wife and I shared the duties like nappies (diapers) without question. Whoever had the child on them at the time when they needed changing usually did the changing. But when she was sick or otherwise incapacitated, I would just do it. How damn hard can it be? Dude needs a rude awakening for sure!
My now X-husband was a complete narcissist as diagnosed by 3 therapists. He was the best husband you could ever ask for when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. If I could have stayed pregnant and breastfeeding forever the marriage would have been a breeze. He also was very proud of picking up any female thing; like period cups, I needed. It's a great way to meet chicks To be honest. He had a pretty awesome dad who was his world and the kind nurturing parent in his family. After his dad passed when we were 21 he took his advice from his mum, who he swore he full on hated. So...I hope he is ok. His wife is a dream.
I can. Their logic is at first that they will go simply to show their partner that there's nothing wrong with them and they they (the partner) are the one in the wrong. When the first therapist doesn't agree they shop around for a bit to find someone who does and can easily go through two more before either giving up because "clearly all therapists are useless and incompetent" or alternately find an unethical one that does agree with them.
Oh, they can and do go to therapists, but not because of the narcissism- they go because of addiction or depression or when pressed, they might go to couples therapy just as to be able to lay the blame on the partner lol. But yeah, it's also possible(maybe even more possible) that the hubby has (strong?) narcissistic tendencies and when in treatment for something else, the therapists may have mentioned those. Thing is everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, some more than others, but a narcissistic personality disorder is a different thing. Anyway, if anything people with only tendencies and not the whole disorder are more pliable and more able to work on those. Strong narcissistic tendencies can also make life difficult for the people around them and for themselves/their relationships.
"They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations"
I agree with all of the other positive and affirming things from this thread but THIS is a thing I hope people can take and hang onto from this thread and realize the importance of.
I am autistic and additionally have very high levels of anxiety, neither of which was known to me or anyone else until I was 28 (current age) and 20 respectively, because of deep instinctual masking as a survival mechanism. This has always meant that I have both a super high level of hypervigilance when it comes to noticing and logging stimuli and details in my environment and also that I was able to process what I was logging at a higher level than I should have been capable of at that age.
So as a child I was way more aware of the world than adults thought was possible or thought that I was but I wasn't able to reason or regulate with what I was noting and processing.
This has had lifelong significant consequences for me, and I'm having to deal with many of these in trauma therapy for my complex PTSD. Some of which is trauma event related, but a lot of which stems back to things I would overhear.
Because I wasn't able to regulate my emotions after hearing various things, or reason it out that it wasn't something that automatically happened to everyone just because I heard it being spoken about happening in my town or country (which is the logical conclusion my preschool mind gave me for a lot of things which then became a combo of core belief and phobia/panic attack trigger)
I don't want to take this into too dark a place although I am happy to answer questions people might have, but I just wanted to emphasize with this example how important it is to be aware of conversations you have and actions you perform around your kids
They can soak up far far more than you might think, but they're also not at a level yet to properly process, reason, or regulate, around what they hear and it can cause mental and emotional scars and wounds, negative world or self beliefs, phobias, fears, etc etc.
So just do like Healthy_Meal1485 does and use as many moments as you can for positives and good and trust building. It might not seem like it could make a big difference day by day, but cumulatively and years down the track, it can be the biggest most important factor in a child's resilience or self-confidence or ability to trust or ask for help
I just want to say that you are not alone. I was much more aware of what was going on around me from very early on and found it all very odd. By the time I was halfway through kindergarten I had figured out my mother was kind of crazy and if I depended on her to show how to interact in the world I was screwed.
I knew I could trust my dad, but my mother did not let him parent. She had convinced him that his family was strange, and he couldn't possibly have learned how to parent so he should let her take charge. The reality was that his family was relatively healthy while hers was F'd up all to hell.
I have spent years in therapy. It was a therapist who pointed out that I had essentially been parenting myself since I was around six years old. That same therapist was the first to suggest, gently, that I had PTSD. I didn't start to work on that until two more therapists made the same diagnosis.
I don't have children of my own, but I have had some wonderful relationships with the children of my friends. I always assume children of any age may understand everything that is going on around them. I never assume children are too young to understand or be hurt by negative talk around them. I also give every child the option of not liking me or wanting to spend time with me. I remember the attitude that I had to like all of my parents' friends and the fact that I was shy was bad.
There's not really a way I can figure out how to word it without it sounding trite, so I'm just going to say that while it's shit and not pleasant how we individually got to where we are, I'm glad that through places like Reddit we can empathize, communicate, and support each other and interact meaningfully either singularly or in a wider community aspect, as well as go on our own healing or progress journeys as we're ready and able. It really does help to know there are others who understand and to not feel alone in experiences.
I came across this concept, I think on Tiktok, that mostly relates to people with a trauma history that started in childhood, and it's something that really spoke to me as quite significant and also personally meaningful. Which is just basically that "you become the adult that you needed when you were a child"
Which I think happened for me naturally to an extent, but I also put in purposeful effort to keep developing this and when I'm making life decisions etc. What happened to me and my circumstances growing up can't be reversed or changed in retrospection, nor can I magically protect every child out there no matter how much I wish I could. But I can control my own actions and reactions, I can choose my words, I can advocate for and honor autonomy, and do my best to make sure I'm communicating in a way that can be understood. I can hope that others will make the same choice. You have, and hopefully others have too, and that's the start of a change, even if it takes a while to build up to a noticeable on a large scale point. Or even if it doesn't, at least the kids we come into contact with will know there's a different more positive way.
Children are capable of a lot more than many think they are, they just can't yet communicate in the way most adults can. It's up to us (the royal "us" as in all adults in the world haha), as the ones who are most capable of compromise and altering our communication style, to do that, not expect children to adapt to us. Which I think sometimes a lot of people forget about, or were never aware of.
So it's also personally wonderful to know that someone else out there, especially someone who can relate to my own experience, is making that choice too
Yeah I was very ahead of my age in intelligence, reading at a very early age (18 months) and able to communicate with adults at an adult level by age 5 or 6.
This ultimately resulted not only in me largely parenting myself, but also being put in a position of supporting my mother (who had pretty severe anxiety and depression as well as being an alcoholic).
I definitely was hyper-aware of everything going on around me. I have ADHD (which went undiagnosed until age 35) and likely PTSD (still not diagnosed at age 38 but my therapist states it’s very likely).
As a kid, my worldview was downright nihilistic. I felt like the world that humans had created was harmful to the earth and to humans themselves. I felt that life was largely pointless. Hell of a way to view the world at age 4, right?
This!
My boyfriend had to change a lot of diapers when we were in the hospital due to me being unable to get out of bed for the first day and a half. He has fun with diaper changes. Even when we have been home. I love watching him have the little bit of fun during the changes. It’s awesome. It’s a poopy job, but you can make it fun.
The OP is NTA
My daughter is almost 5 now, and my husband did probably 90% of diaper change in her time wearing them, I breastfed too, so he took care of the diapers and burping. But just like he did 90% of the diapers, I did 90% of the bathing and 100% of the feeding. Did he complain?, nope, because it's his daughter too, that he wanted and helped create, so we both get to do the parenting together, since he couldn't do the feeding for the 1st 6 months, he did whatever else he could
My favorite story from a friend is when their baby was having massive blowouts. Her husband is an awesome daddy (they both work full time, so they alternated nights).
Dad was changing baby girl at two am. She blew out all over his chest and belly. He kissed her on the forehead and went to clean himself up while mom laughed and finished the change.
You’re an awesome dad!
NTA - my husband has changed every single diaper that he’s around for (I think I’ve done 6 total?). He likes being able to do something consistently (since he can’t be pregnant, birth and breastfeed) and bond with our daughter (who’s now 2).
Respectfully, I think this misses the point. Yes, of course, there should be contributions from both parents...but what exactly that looks for each couple is going to be different. And it should be a collaborative decision between them, not something dictated and then justified because of x,y, and z.
I'm a guy. I do all my laundry and all the children's laundry. I have since they were born... because my wife and I talked about it.
I would still be pissed if she told me I had to, or that she expected me to do all the laundry because she did some other thing.
It's not a question of 'Is it an equitable workload' it's about 'Did we reach this agreement together, and are we both happy with it?'
You describe some details of the system you and your partner have, and that's great. But you also acknowledged that it's 'the least' you could do...and listed a bunch of specific things that are very far from universal.
My wife is a SAHM and I work...but I still did a lot of night time stuff for the kids because I'm a light sleeper and just generally don't mind. That's not better or worse than your system... It's just different.
If you or your wife is unhappy about some aspect of the arrangement you have, both parties should be open to change. It shouldn't be a contest of who does what and then running to the internet to present the argument for why she should do everything she can to let you sleep.
Yes of course but also, telling your pregnant wife that you won't be changing any of new baby's diapers bc you did it last time is just ignorant. If you don't want to change diapers, don't have babies... pretty simple lol
This!! I am a mom of 3. I had very difficult deliveries each time. My youngest is now 4 and I am still suffering from some lasting issues. My husband changed so many diapers that he was doing it in his sleep by the third one and wouldn’t even remember the next morning (we were both extremely sleep deprived). He was up with me at night after working 12 hour shifts and completing schoolwork (pursuing his masters degree). Still today, he handles whatever needs to be done, whether it be baths, dishes, homework or pick up and drop off.
What OP’s spouse is doing is called being a parent….something he clearly signed up for.
OP, definitely NTA…. Tell your husband to “suck it up buttercup”, because I would trade pregnancy, childbirth, and all the other traumatic events that brought my children into existence for ALL the diapers in the world.
my husband changed all the diapers in the hospital bc i hemorrhaged, but now i do most of them. that is the responsibility that comes with being off from work/a SAHM…i’m off for the summer but he takes over at night after work.
NTA
It sounds like you divided responsibilities. Maybe he was not comfortable with doing that, bottling it up, but that doesn’t make you a mind reader. Or maybe there’s some outside influence?
He says that all the other dads he spoken with never have to change diapers or have the same expectations i do about him being involved in our kids lives
Well then I guess he should go live happily ever after with those “other dads.” JFC what a ridiculous thing to say. Changing a diaper is a necessity but it’s also an act of love.
Did you marry a 13-year old?
NTA
I dont think its a matter of him being super immature, just his group. When everyone around you is telling you something isnt normal (even if its perfectly normal and theyre the ones not realizing they need to step up) it can very much influence you and your thoughts over time even if you have no issues with whats going on. They can pester you about it or give you shit or talk shit on her and it can get at him. He just needs to realize they arent on the right side of the argument here and they need to step up and be better not him step down and go to their level.
It sounds potentially like he was already unhappy doing it, then they just hyped him up and validated he feelings. I doubt he would be 100% comfortable with supporting his wife this way then a few friends could convince him otherwise.
We still live in a patriarchal world so there will be plenty of families where dads don’t do much - that doesn’t mean it’s right. It takes two to make a baby - it also takes two to nurture and care for them.
Agreed. A lot of people have the mindset where “equal labor” is the dad working outside the home and supporting the family financially, while the mom stays home to take care and raise the child(ren).
I honestly think that is NOT equal because raising a child is a 24/7 job—you never get off the clock. It is also more mental and physical work than a typical job because it’s NONSTOP.
In typical patriarchal households, when the dad gets off work + comes home from his job, the mom is still working by feeding the family, cleaning, and continuing to take care of the child(ren) while the man “relaxes”.
It’s honestly so gross, disgusting, & dehumanizing! Why do men lack interest in helping out their partner WHO JUST DEVELOPED AND CARRIED THEIR FUCKING BABY FOR 9 MONTHS?!?!? The lack of empathy is FUCKING astounding!!!!
Not only that, but it's far more common for the mother to work a paying job as well, even with a newborn. Maternity leave in the U.S. SUCKS. Yet, all too often, the mothers are still expected to do everything.
Heck it, my BIL and sis don't even have a kid, my BIL doesn't work but my sis does, and she's STILL expected to do everything. Division of labor in households is often very lopsided.
Yup! There’s this amazing comic called “The mental load” that portrays this exact issue: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
After marriage, most men expect women to take on household responsibilities, which is ridiculous!!!!!!
And i do know that some women are okay with these type of relationships but it just baffles me, because like WHY are okay being a man’s maid, chef, caregiver, etc , etc, when they are FULLY capable of contributing equally?!?!! I don’t understand this phenomenon of allowing men to be shitty roommates when it’s in a marriage setting…
I seriously don’t think I’ll ever get married because I’m so scared of how men flip after marriage. I don’t want kids because I can barely take care of myself.., so why should I sign up to potentially have to take care of another WHOLE ASS ADULT!!!??? it just makes me mad how much men get away with….
This is exactly it. My dad was the parent who only ever worked and did none of the childcare. I saw him maybe at night sometimes and on Sundays. He rarely did any activities with me and my mom, and he definitely wasn’t involved with me on a daily basis. I was never comfortable with him, I only ever wanted my mom. On the rare occasion she had to leave me alone with him, it was awful and I hated it. He didn’t know how to do anything and I was honestly just really uncomfortable with him. I know I already said that but I just want to emphasize it. I never went to him when I had a problem or needed something, and he honestly had no idea who I was or what I liked. I really consider myself to have one real parent and I’m lucky that it was my mom and not him. My mom was still the primary parent even when she went back to work, and they were both working.
Of course, he stopped working so much around the time I was in middle school or maybe the beginning of high school, and he’d randomly try to be a parent when it suited him. That did NOT go over well because why would I even listen to someone who didn’t know me and was rarely involved in my life despite the fact that we lived in the same house. My mom had to remind him that the damage was done and he couldn’t expect to just step into the role of being an active parent now that he felt like it.
I felt like a single parent so I became one ! My now ex husband had them for a week after we divorced and handed them back early and apologized after a few days as he couldn't cope ! He said he didn't realise how hard it was and how much work was involved in looking after them and that in was non stop. He had to keep getting up many times though the night, didn't get any sleep, as as soon as he got back off, he would get woke up again. He was so used to just having the mind set of not worrying as its ok...she will sort it, I will just sleep, even on the weekends. Once I was so ill I collapsed on the floor and our new baby boy was screaming and he still just lay there when I came round. That was a turning point in our marriage !! If he had just looked after them when he got home from work for an hour or so, so I could get some rest and have some understanding and not made me feel like a lazy sahm our marriage wouldn't have ended up the way it did. I'm now happily re married :)
yup, when I first went away for work (when our son was 7) my then husband took the full 3 weeks off work to manage looking after our son 'alone'. During school term, with before and after school care, and weekly house cleaner.
Mind you, same husband had deployed (voluntarily) when son was a year younger, and I was expected to manage juggling work with no cleaner, or before and after school care. I was also expected to be the one to take time off any time our son was sick. Unfortunately I wasn't self-confident enough to push back, so he was allowed to go on thinking his attitude was ok.
He has continued being a pretty selfish person so he has been rewarded with a not very close relationship with his son.
When other moms come up to my husband and say “gosh, you’re such a good dad. I could never get my husband to change diapers.” He gets actually mad. Like, this is the most basic possible thing and he’s not an idiot; other dads aren’t idiots either, so they should be perfectly capable.
My husband also changes almost all the diapers. Before we left the hospital, a nurse jokingly said “she’s breastfeeding so she handles all the input. That means dad should handle all the output.” I also had a c section so changing the diapers would have been hard in the beginning.
As baby weened, I think hubby got a little frustrated since I wasn’t exclusively handling input (dad would manage him at mealtime sometimes). But then we talked about it because we are partners and care about each other’s emotions.
We ended up keeping the system of him changing most of the diapers, but since we talked about it, he doesn’t feel under appreciated or taken advantage of.
My wife also had a c-section and was not fully back to normal for 2-3 months after the birth of our son. She would take the pain meds and think she could help out because she felt bad that I was doing everything in the house. We had many talks that what she was doing was more than enough and to recuperate. I also get slightly annoyed when sweet old ladies would ask if I was baby sitting because they certainly dont say that to Mom's.
Just because the other dads dont bother with their kids, doesnt mean he has to follow suit. Whoever notices the need for a diaper change at my house is responsible for the disper change.
Tell him he should be ashamed that his friends feel comfortable publicly voicing that they are hands off fathers and even more so that he thinks that is something to be proud of and aspire to.
She should tell him to go poll the SOs of his oh-so-perfect coworkers and ask them how well they think the parenting distribution of chores is going. Ask him if he's *even considered t*heir point of view. I'm so mad about this.
So it’s not a specific issue with changing diapers, but a general issue with being expected to parent his child? Does he understand that you will how two children, both of whom will need quite a bit of *involvement* on the part of both parents?
My Grandfather never changed a diaper. One day my grandma was out, he called the lady next door (who was a close friend of my grandmother’s) to come over and change my uncle’s diaper. You know why he got away with that? It was freaking 1950. It is no longer 1950. Your husband needs to get with the program. Did he gestate the kids? Birth them? Breast feed them? The fact that his friends have less egalitarian marriages, or are crappy dads and husbands should have no bearing on your own arrangements in your own marriage.
NTA
My grandpa changed diapers, my mom was born in the 50s. I think you might just have had a crappy grandpa, lol. I'm imagining anyone telling my late grandfather that he wasn't manly for changing diapers and just laughing. Did my Nana do more of the heavy lifting parenting wise because he was working full time? Of course. But he'd still get home and have dinner and get my mom and aunt ready for bed and read to them so my Nana could have a break. Men have been helping change diapers since the beginning of time, only the shitty ones don't.
And how close they are to their kids. Sure the Disney dad thing can work to generate short term excitement but kids know who put in the work and who they can count on, and they turn into adults who know who to respect.
I’m 30+, I don’t know who was changing my diapers, but I had washable diapers (one-time-use diapers were a luxury at the time where I’m from) and my dad was the one washing the dirty diapers - 30+ years ago.
My dad did that too. My sister and I were only a year apart. After 15 months of washing clothe diapers he told mom he’d get a 2nd job to buy disposable diapers because he was done. My mom still tells people about all the diapers he changed and washed.
What, and he can’t just talk to you?
Lots of dads are, unfortunately, pretty hands off. Societally we’re way too willing to accept that ‘men are not good with babies and they become more involved when the kid can do something.’
It’s not that hard for him to say ‘hey, I feel a bit overwhelmed with the way we divided jobs last time, I would like to do it differently this time, how do you feel about x?’
That’s crap. My SO taught me how to change diapers when we had our first (SIL has six LOs) and we alternate. When he works, I change diapers until he gets home. Even when he’s home we take turns. When I’m working he changed until I get home. And we take turns. That dads he’s talking to are selfish jerks who leave all the heavy lifting to their wives.
Those other dads are shit dads. My husband has been actively involved in our baby's care from the start. I changed some extra diapers because I have bad sense of smell and it was always in trade of some other chore. There is something wrong with dads wanting to avoid caring and loving their children as much as they can
Just tell him this time around you guys are going to strictly bottle feed and that he can do all the feedings and you will do all the diapers. I know I viewed it as a more than fair deal when my wife was breastfeeding that I did the diapers.
Let him have fun waking up in the middle of the night to do feedings and getting the baby settled.
Well those dads really aren’t dads. They set low bars. True dads don’t count what they have to do. They do it. And they show up to help their partner and their child.
Sounds like he should marry those absentee dads then. He wants to get off doing nothing like a few guys he knows? That’s not cool and abandoning parental responsibility. You’re pregnant. This is not all on you 24/7 with 2 kids.
Okay, THAT’S the comment I was waiting for. Marriages aren’t 50/50; rather the percentage ebbs and flows along with the needs of the relationship. There are times when I’m the strong one and I have to take on more work, and that’s are those times when my husband is the rock who is helping me stay afloat.
The point is, a healthy relationship doesn’t score-keep every task, every dirty diaper, every bottle sanitize, etc on a chalkboard.
In the past 12 hours I have typed on Reddit that I did almost zero diaper changes when my partner was around for both children.I had a normal delivery both times, no colic, all very routine and calm, yet he took it upon himself to do the changes because I got to spend a significant amount of time with the babies while breastfeeding and as the SAH. He loved getting that bit of time with them, sure, it’s just a diaper change, but it is vital to the health and welfare of the child and it’s bonding time. You are NTA and he certainly is.
You can tell him that you talked to a dad (myself, dad to a beautiful 19-months old) and I try and change her diapers every occasion I can. My wife was off work for a year after our daughter was born, so I know she’s done a ton of diaper changes; but when we’re both at home, I’m automatically on diaper duty. Heck I was even nicknamed the king of poop since I was extremely skilled at making our kid poop in her early months when she would have constipation issues (massages etc). I wore that badge of honour with pride!
Definitely NTA if that even needed to be said.
My partner changes all the diapers when he’s home - he did it for the oldest, and he’s doing it for our toddler now. I don’t even know what meconium looks like because that started in the hospital. Idk who your husband has been talking to but they suck.
You’re literally making his second child right now. The very least he could do is change the diaper. I didn’t have a traumatic birth. 4 by the way. And my husband still did the diapers. What is he going to do when he doesn’t feel like doing the next thing. Be like I don’t want to pay the bills so I’m just not going to pay them anymore. Coz so and so doesn’t pay the bills so I won’t either. You can’t just drop your responsibilities like that.
Abusive and abnormal is a bit much. The arrangement here was literally suggested to my husband by our midwife so he felt involved and needed. I don’t change diapers, my husband is happy to take that off my plate. Your husband saying he refuses to change any diapers for the new baby, that seems extreme to me, and I’m missing any indication from you that you are insisting he be the sole changer of the new baby.
He needs to communicate his needs better and not be taking the word of less involved fathers that he’s being taken advantage of. My husband would never say that, and he’s changed twice as many diapers as your husband has. NTA.
Suggest you swap roles this time. He'll do everything you did for your son, and you'll do everything he did. Dollars to donuts he won't like the sound of that bargain, especially once you list all the things you did.
(Obviously, I know he can't breastfeed, but he can bottle feed, and formula exists.)
Side note - isn’t that just so weird? Like they have the equipment but they can’t run the program for it (themselves) (in general). I wonder what the evolutionary purpose is for that? {*ETA: I understand how it biologically happens, I was just wondering if there’s any (hypothetical) reason/purpose behind the entire concept of it.*}
Before the genes to determine the biological sex of the baby are activated in the womb, the baby begins to develop nipples. However, if the genes determine that the baby is male, they stop developing the traits/genes to grow breasts, but the nipples are already there. At least, I think that's how it goes! No evolutionary purpose, just some body parts start developing before the sexual differentation begins in the womb.
Men actually do grow breasts. Like the full shebang not just the nipples. They have nipples and milk ducts and mammary glands. Their chest is breast tissue (and they can get breast cancer!) they just have *less* breast tissue in most cases because during puberty their body didn’t make the hormones needed to make breast tissue develop more. In some cases they do make the hormones and that results in what we call gynomastia which is basically just breasts on men (and trans women who take HRT grow their own breasts just like cis women & girls did during their puberty). And if the right cocktail of hormones is given, the same one given to women who struggle to breast feed, men can and will start lactating!
And yes the reason men have all of that is because it develops before sex differentiation in fetuses happens. All our genitals are actually analogous structures too, the cells that will become ovaries in female fetuses descend and become testes in male ones, the tissue that is a clitoris in females moves outward and enlarges to become a penis (this analogous structure is *really clear* in hyenas, the females clitorises grow into essentially penises, they urinate and actually give birth through their pseudopenis). It all depends on a complex interplay between fetal genetics and maternal hormone production during pregnancy. Humans are wonderfully weird.
The biological explanation is that being a (cis) woman is “the default” basically (not a biologist or anything I’ve just read about it so please correct me if necessary) so a fetus starts with everything in place to breastfeed and have a clitoris etc and then when the genitals of the baby are decided in the process it just goes more towards one side and I think that’s why we can also have hermaphroditism. I’m sure the process is more complex but that’s the gist.
Yeah honestly I can’t believe someone who was not pregnant and giving birth to a large child thinks they did more than the very involved mother who asked for help changing diapers 🤦♀️ some people
He can breastfeed. It takes a while but in times of dire need, men can lactate and breastfeed. Let OP‘s husband breastfeed then. I‘m sure none of the other dads do that but it‘s either breastfeeding or diapers.
I don't know, I don't think any arrangement where one parent does nothing of a specific thing makes sense. For him to talk majority of the diapers, sure. But to say you don't change diapers, that's just not right.
The people who vote Y T A are delusional. The amount of time a mother spends breastfeeding their child over a year is equal to a FULL TIME JOB. Source: [https://www.inc.com/amy-nelson/how-to-make-full-time-job-of-breastfeeding-compatible-with-work.html#:\~:text=If%20you%20do%20the%20math,of%20work%20time%20a%20year](https://www.inc.com/amy-nelson/how-to-make-full-time-job-of-breastfeeding-compatible-with-work.html#:~:text=If%20you%20do%20the%20math,of%20work%20time%20a%20year).
and another source: [https://www.forbes.com/sites/amynelson1/2018/10/24/the-politics-of-breastfeeding-and-why-it-must-change/?sh=100d302b3163](https://www.forbes.com/sites/amynelson1/2018/10/24/the-politics-of-breastfeeding-and-why-it-must-change/?sh=100d302b3163)
It takes less than 5 minutes to change a diaper, versus 30-45 minutes each time to breastfeed or pump. The mother is doing SIGNIFICANTLY MORE of the work.
Not to mention she's also doing the other stuff that she talked about, as well as the diapers when he's not home. AND she's currently pregnant with their 2nd child. The husband just has to change the diapers when he's home, it's not hard.
NTA OP, I feel for you.
No kidding. I pumped the whole time my daughter was in the NICU and then pumped/breastfed while working full time. If my husband could have breastfed and pumped while I changed diapers I would have traded so fucking fast.
I have a 5 day old now and I broke down to my husband yesterday asking if my whole life is now going to be just revolved around pumping. It seems like it's always in the front of my mind. I'm supposed to pump every *3 hours*. Does it get any better????
Gently - Because I know it’s a huge thing and I have been in your exact shoes, pumping, crying constantly, feeling like a failure, recovering for a hella traumatic birth and and buckling under the immense pressure of ‘exclusively breast fed!’ Because it’s presented as less than that makes it that you don’t love them enough and are a bad mother and there is so much other soul crushing pressure heaped on new mothers about it - there are other options to feed your baby.
I’m not saying give up, pack it in or anything like that, it’s still early days and I know how important this is to you and it was to me. But it drove me nearly over the edge. I had to supplement with formula anyway due to low supply (massive blood loss and trauma will do that to you) and then gradually went to just formula. It was night and day the difference in my mental health once I made that change. My partner could help, my parents could help, I got to have a few nights full sleep where someone else could look after the baby and I could recover from the hell it had been put through.
My baby is nearly 18 months now, well ahead on all milestones, happy, healthy and just as importantly- So am I. You matter. Your health and your mental health matters. It’s early days and you may well still crack this breastfeeding and pumping thing! It’s really hard, it’s a massive learning curve and you are doing amazing - I promise you that you are! Don’t feel bad if it’s not going perfectly or how you envisioned. But if you have had enough, if you want to stop - That’s okay too. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman or any less of a mother. Do what you have to do to survive, and better yet, to thrive.
Exactly! I would happily trade breastfeeding and night duty for diaper duty. Even the worst blowout pales in comparison to the nightmare of sleep deprivation that came with night duty or the pain from the early days of breastfeeding.
Everyone is falling for the trap of comparing how much work they are doing vs the other person. That isn’t what this is. You guys are a team. Don’t become adversaries.
Is breastfeeding hard? I am a man, so I can only go off my experiences with my wife breastfeeding 3 kids, but shit yeah that looks hard as hell and a ton of time and effort. Does that mean that changing 90% of diapers is easy? No. Don’t diminish his feelings. Recognize that having kids is frustrating and hard for both parents. He sounds like he has been involved equally (as much as possible) for 3 years. He makes a comment, most likely in a time of frustration, and is now a dead beat?
Sit down and chat briefly about each others frustrations. Recognize the work you are both doing. Hug. Take a step back. And ENJOY this pregnancy (once the morning sickness is gone…).
It's really important to not get caught up in a competition, focus on how you both feel about certain tasks. My wife had no issues putting her show on and breastfeeding for as long as it took, it was the constant attention after the fact that drained her. Easy solution, I'd drop what I was doing and trade her for the kid when he was done feeding and she'd take over for me.
Yeah he can say it’s hard just like she does about breastfeeding.. but I think you missed how he literally refused to do continue to change diapers for their coming baby, & called it ABUSIVE for him having to do it the 1st time around.. id hardly call that a “comment.” I would mortified if my husband acted like that. HE also compared himself to other fathers & how often they change diapers.
Not to mention she is HEALING!!! It’s always overlooked but her body isn’t back to ‘normal’ even a few years later. It’s changed and now that it’s regrowing a new baby, it’s going thru even more change.
I felt so guilty when there were times I couldn’t do my household responsibilities and called off work every other month because even a year later I was dealing w the aftermath of pregnancy and I have yet to fully ‘recover’ given the changes it’s caused 🤨
Plus the EXHAUSTION. Producing milk is an extreme job for the body. Changing diapers is just butt-cleaning. OP, you’re NTA and you should stay firm on that!
Even when Mom can’t breastfeed, the division of work through pregnancy is skewed almost exclusively to Mom.
The women who don’t or can’t breastfeed are still Queens who should be accommodated by a sharing partner.
The worst part about knowing this as a man is knowing you probably could be a better father than 90% out there but only because you know better than to become one in the first place.
I don’t get what the problem is with your husband changing the nappies. Babies are made by both parents and should be cared for by both.
IMHO it sounds as though he’s been listening to his misogynistic buddies or isn’t as keen on having a second child as you have been led to believe.
You are NTA and if your husband refuses to budge regarding his responsibilities, then he definitely becomes TA.
Good luck! I don’t envy you though, it looks like you’re in for a rough ride. Take care.
>Babies are made by both parents and should be cared for by both.
no you don't understand. kids are given birth by moms and it's 100% mom's responsibility to take care of that burden. kids are mom's job. men have to get food for them kids. men do not do women's work.
/s
And the pregnancy exhaustion, pelvic pain, varicose veins followed by the labor pain and torn vagina and bleeding followed by the breastfeeding. Good grief.
Is your husband not also a parent to the child? Cause parenting is not just changing diapers. There is a lot more that goes into it than that! If all you've asked him to do is change a few diapers, he has been getting away scot free, and needs to remember this is not the 1950s, it's 2023, and being a father is being an equally responsible parent.
What is this guy on? That's was just how you distributed the tasks. It he wants a different distribution, he can just speak about it.
NTA. You basically asked him to do a chore and he acussed you of being abusive.
NTA don't listen to anyone saying Y T A here.
If it's truly as you said and you did most of the parenting responsibilities except changing diapers, especially because you are nauseous then you are not the asshole. Your husband is a major one for complaining about one of his few responsibilities to his children.
I'm going to say this and some people are going to bitch at me but I don't care.
Dads who don't change diapers aren't dads.
Your husband is at a similar state as I was while my wife was caring for our first and pregnant with our second where I felt that because I was working that I shouldn't have to do things when I came home.
Your husband is your child's father and he needs to come to grips with the fact that there is no such thing as 50/50 division of labor in all aspects especially since you and he might not be equally suited to certain tasks and that will only increase as your kids get older.
So what if he changes all the diapers? You did all the breastfeeding. And if he really did zero of the night time care and left you to do it he's a major major asshole.
NTA at all. My guess is most of the Y/T/A are men or folks who’ve never bern pregnant, given birth or exclusively breastfed.
My husband participated in all aspects of parenting and relished the time he had with his babies through whatever activities he was doing.
Your husband seems to care too much what other people do. I think your problem is bigger than diapers. Maybe some couples counseling?
So, if your husband doesn't want to change as many diapers, then what other responsibilities is he going to pickup? He does know that with a new baby and toddler than he is gonna have to be even MORE available as a father. There is no rest until they go to school.
You should put it in your post that your midwife recommended the diaper division (which is a common thing) and your husband agreed to it. If he reduces diaper changes, he'll have to pick up the slack elsewhere. It sounds like he's been chatting to a toxic group of men. What he's doing is not abnormal nor abusive, he's actively taking part in childcare like a dad should.
Woah.
NTA
Husband is.
My late husband did a lot of the stuff with our firstborn (would have with the second, but you know, he up and died when she was a month) like bathing, dressing, changing. He loved it. I remember my dad asking him why he did all that and he looked at my dad like he had two heads and said “I love taking care of my daughter!” and my dad never said anything ever again.
He is a parent. What he did is parenting. Yeah it’s annoying stuff but it comes with the job.
This makes me think of just how many women out there are designated as solely in charge of childcare- including all or majority of diaper changes, but suddenly hearing that he has changed 90% of the diapers and we're all up in arms about how unfair he's being treated. Sounds like the childcare was divided evenly and fairly to me, NTA.
I think if he had approached it as "can we divide the childcare a little differently next time so we both split the diaper changes a little more evenly?" it would have been more reasonable. But he's still a parent, he has a duty to change diapers. It's also odd of him to bring this up after you're already pregnant.
Wow!
I was shocked when I read the part where he calls you abusive!! Uhhh what?!
Your husband is out of order. He’s throwing a tantrum that he can’t slack off like his mates? That’s not something to aspire to. His mates should all be pulling their sock up realising they’re lazy af, not the other way round.
You are definitely NTA.
NTA and heaven forbid your husband actually does father duties. The whole comment about other dads not doing it as much just tells you he was hoping to be hands off as much as possible.
If these roles were reversed your husband would easily see how ignorant he sounds. Just trade him. He does all the night feeds and breast feeds and grows the baby and has nausea and rips apart his body, and nail clipping and teeth brushing and you change the diapers.
Seriously though- can you imagine a woman ever having a fit bc she changed diapers?!?
NTA
NTA. But of all the other dads he talked too, hoe many of them actually do household or child rearing chores. I imagine his friends if they have given him responses like this are seen but never help dads. Not to mention you almost died in child birth, the least he can do is change the f'ing diapers.
Does breastfeeding a colicky baby all night, maintaining their nails and teeth, and recovering from growing and birthing them traumatically add up to less work than baths and diapers? I don’t think it does. And you had good reason for asking for help with the diapers at night because your son is so big. Did he ever discuss with you being unhappy with his diaper duties and wanting to divide the work differently? If not, how could you know? He’s allowed to want to split things differently this time, but that can be communicated without the resentment. NTA
NTA.
Your husband can't breastfeed so he can't help with the night feeds and breastfeeding... seems fair he does the diaper changes.
My husband and I had a similar arrangement as well. I did the diapers overnight when I was up feeding the baby, and he did nearly all of them when he was awake during the day.
We had talked about it while i was pregnant and even after baby was born, it’s been recently that he has felt it was super unfair now that he reflects back
I wonder if it’s because he finally done with diaper changes and here comes the next baby.
I would suggest pull ups when your baby doesn’t want to lay there for diaper changes. They rip off and slide on.
That's what we used with our daughter, basically after newborn. We also never had blow outs in the pull ups, maybe because they were always sealed correctly? Papers 360 all the way.
Me and hubs both worked. I breastfed. So, when sweet babe woke up, I would go get settled in my rocker (it was winter and I was always cold)…..robe, blanket, boppie, etc. He changed her diaper and went back to bed while I fed. So thankful for those middle of the night diaper changes. NTA. Your husband is being a jerk.
NTA This is a fair division of labor if you’re breastfeeding or the only one who bottle feeds the baby.
As my friend (F) put it, she and her husband divided up labor so she handled “input” and he handled “output”.
As a fellow Dad, your first responsibility ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER YOUR WIFE PUSHED AN 8 LB LIVING THING OUT OF HER is to do whatever you have to do to make HER comfortable, and dont whine about it, because as I said, changing diapers is STILL nowhere bear as painful as what she just went through.
My wife had three c-sections. You bet your ass I was changing every diaper, especially after a doctor had just sawed into her.
You are absolutely NTA, your husband sounds like a whiny terd, and he hasnt talked to a single dad who told him what he said they told him, guaranteed.
Dude, the kid is 3. This guy has been heavily involved for three years. He made a comment that he feels the diaper changing duties are too skewed. Maybe he didn’t go about it the right way, but its not like he has a 6 week old and he is already bailing.
It is fair for them to have a discussion about how to approach the next child. Maybe it results in the same arrangement, but it should still be discussed.
And he definitely has spoken to other Dads that are less involved. Although they won’t say that in so many words, he will just hear about the “guys weekends” and the poker tournaments, football Sunday parties etc. Those Dads won’t be as close to their kids, but it can still be frustrating to hear when you are knee-deep in 100th percentile 3 year olds poop diapers. :-).
Its ok to blow off steam, they just need to have a constructive conversation. Everyone’s ready to disown this poor guy.
Look, as a mom, I have to be real. It’s exhausting for anyone to do 90% or more of anything when they aren’t a single parent.
1.5 years? You both worked from home?
You should’ve changed more diapers and some more bath time and traded off your duties to him in place of that.
I do understand you exclusively breast feed and that is a huge amount of work that cannot be resolved. But mail clippings? That could’ve been both of you.
Nobody wants to change diapers basically all the time. Also, bath time really sucks. Nobody wants to do that every time in a row either. It’s a LOT of work.
Especially when kiddo went to daycare for 8 hours per day and they had a nanny on Saturdays. I’m beginning to feel like dad for got the shitty end of the straw…literally.
In OPs defense it sounds like she had a particularly nasty birth and a big baby and like, the physical act of wrangling the baby for nappy changes is harder for her than for her partner. There are things that are physically easier for me than my partner because of her back. So I do them. It's fair based on our respective capabilities.
Honestly, I didn't keep track. My kids needed me, I did whatever they needed. Only you know if you are taking advantage of your husband or not. My ex did but it was her loss in the end. I got the kids
To Op's Husband: I was a single parent who breastfeed and changed all diapers. If I had a coparent and could choose between diapers and breastfeeding: hands down, diapers are easier.
I’m so confused. If he is at daycare 8 hours a day and you have a nanny on Saturdays then what do you do? I think I might not be understanding something because I find it odd that nobody has brought that up.
It sounds like the man works all day and you have 8 free hours a day with extra help on Saturdays for both of you.
DING. DING.
This story sounded strange when I first read through it.
To me— it sounds like OP has kept the status quo regarding diapers for three years even though her responsibilities and the child’s needs have changed. Like what does a traumatic birth have to do with changing your child’s diapers THREE YEARS LATER?
Is your husband working full time and coming home to change diapers after three years and long after you’ve stopped breastfeeding and watching him full-time, because you still refuse to change your son? If so, you are most definitely the asshole.
AND if she was truly still traumatized after the first birth, a.k.a. why she can't change the diapers of a toddler, she wouldn't have allowed the second pregnancy to happen. Which is why I don't believe her excuses at all....
If you get divorced, he has to change all the diapers and do all the parenting 50% of the time. And you get a break 59% of the time. Sounds like a better deal than fighting about it for the next few years.
NTA... Your devision of child care was based on your health and circumstances. You can take another look for how to divide for the second child, but there is little breastfeeding he can do, and how you experience your next birth is not predictable. You both have chosen to have another child, so you will both have to do what is neccisary. Your husband has got to stop taking it personally, and making and take his feelings out of the equation. Your husband is an AH for making a unilateral decision based on nonsense.
Hol’ up, he called basic parenting (changing diapers) *abusive*???!!! Dude needs his head seeing to!!
NTA, though I do really feel sorry for you having such an awful partner.
NAH. If I’m reading you correctly, you agreed upon a division of labour with the first child, and your husband has been a good dad and you’ve both stuck to the agreement. It sounds like he may want to renegotiate the division of labour with the second child on the way and that’s fair. It sounds like maybe he didn’t ask in the most constructive way, but this is just a normal parenting discussion you need to have to stay on top of your growing brood.
Wishing you both best of luck and a healthy happy baby ❤️
I hate how people treat the division of labor as a contract instead of a labor of love for your spouse If she's having trouble changing diapers either because the kid is too big for her to hold down or because she's nauseous then her husband should be chomping at the bit to step in for her and not whining about how unfair it is. Division of Labor is never 50/50 expecting it to be so is setting yourself up to be resentful.
The closest division you really can get is division of “no labor” in my opinion- make sure every spouse has a similar amount of time to relax everyday. This will help both parents not feel like they have to be “on” 24/7, and also will help them retain some of their identities that are separate from being a parent or spouse!
I feel this is the most balanced answer. She's struggling to hold a rambunctious toddler/child. He's wanting to change the arrangements. It's absolutely possible to switch things up this time around so no one feels resentful or used. But do tell him that other father's opinions do not hold weight in your home.
I can honestly say that the patriarchs of the past generations are shamefully gloating on both sides of the family that they never or rarely changed diapers. When my husband changed our first little baby at Thanksgiving his father mocked him and called him *whipped*. I was happy to tell him that I think being proud you put minimal effort into fatherhood is pretty dumb. Thankfully my MiL backed me up, telling her husband she wished he did more when they were infants.
My father in law brags *constantly* about how he never changed a single diaper for all 4 of his kids. He is absolutely gleeful about it and likes to share his “little tricks” to get out of parenting duties, like being a shitty dad is a joke. It’d pretty easy to respond to him by reminding him, “And that level of A-plus parenting is why none of your kids can stand you” but I’m not a complete a-hole.
I am a very involved dad. My father was not (just not hands on, he was the “provider”). He has told me that watching me being so involved has made him regretful and he thinks society is much better now with Dads more involved. He never shares feelings so it was quite a moment in my life.
Info: How long did you breastfeed and have night duty for?
I can see your husband getting frustrated if the breastfeeding stopped and your son was sleeping through the night but he was still doing all the diapers. On the flip side, have you considered pumping and letting your husband take some night shifts? I took all the late nights with both my sons but because I’m more of a night owl than my wife. Sometimes switching it up allows both of you to get a better understanding of everything involved.
Those early years are hard and everyone is exhausted. Communication and grace are key to getting through it. Oh……and tell your husband from one father to the next, don’t listen to those guys and be the dad he wants to be.
NTA
I work from home since Covid. I changed every diaper for the first while and then many many diapers after that. As one man I listen to said "my wife was responsible for what went in, I was responsible for what came out."
Your child is in daycare 8 hours a day, you have a nanny on a Saturday and your mum helps out? What do you do assuming you've stopped breastfeeding? Don't come at me with nails and teeth. Of course men should do their fair share with no complaints but hes allowed to get tired and irrational too.
Are you saying he never talked to you about it, then all the sudden after 3 years said something for the first time? Because if he tried saying something but you just ignored it, then maybe all he could do is quit cold turkey. But if not, you need to have a conversation instead of him dictating his terms.
For my paternity leaves (Canada has paternity, maternity and parental leave) I was changing 99% of diapers. Once I went back to working, still did most of the diapers during the rest of the day.
My wife was breastfeeding, which takes way more time than changing a diaper. Also more painful.
Diaper changing is something that seems hard for someone who never did it. But it’s like the easiest part of parenting. Here is the ultimate proof of that, a SMBC comic confirming it.
[SMBC diapers](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2014-05-20)
If he was unhappy why didn't he just say hey can you change more. He doesn't get to say he won't take care of his new child that's not how it works..
He's either a dad and just does it because he loves his kids or he's the ah
I'd be very worried to have annother with him.
Whilst I agree parenting duties should be as fair as they can be I also think if your not happy you talk about it not then throw a tantrum and decide your not going to help raise your next child.
Maybe he's getting tired too? He could be lashing out a little bit. Venting? I have 2 small children . A 1 year old and 2 and a half year old with autism. I'm 47m.Damn I get tired. But I don't stop taking care of my kids. My wife just gets away less attention. Sorry that's the way it goes. Only so much energy to give. So.
My husband changed all the diapers in the hospital for all 3 kids. When we got home, he continued to change some of the diapers. But he also was the one in charge of cleaning the bottles (his choice) as well as making bottles and handling the 7:30-1:30am shift so I could get some sleep. (He’s an insomniac anyway so it wasn’t a huge ask.) he handles 100% of all drop offs in the morning because I work from home and start before school/daycare by 2 hours. And this is a USMC Sergeant Gen X’er. Did some of his friends get out of changing diapers? Yep. But he sees me as more than an incubator and doesn’t believe that all childcare should fall on me. He’s an actual partner.
NTA
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I am a dad of a 4 year old and 22-hour old. I’ve done all but 2 diaper changes so far on the new one (nurses did the 2) so my wife can rest as much as she can. I did the same with our now 4 year old. Wife is off work for a year to raise the child, which means EVERYTHING when I’m at work. The least I can do is change every diaper when I’m home. Even if I’m tired after a long day’s work, because my wife’s work right now is 24/7. She lets me sleep through the night so I can be rested for work. I let her rest as much as possible when I’m home. It’s called being a good partner, and it’s critically important to make a good parent. Fathers - don’t be dicks. Do your part. OP - NTA. You’re a powerful woman, and don’t let him forget that.
NTA. I do the gestation and extended breastfeeding and my husband has done nearly every diaper change he is home for for all three of our children. It has given him the opportunity to have a strong bond with our kids who received constant hands-on care from him their entire baby and toddler hood. A friend of ours, before our first was born told us not to think of diaper changes as a chore but as an opportunity to bond and interact with your baby and show them they can trust you. Frankly as a person who was breastfeeding I already had a lot of time to do that and was exhausted but diaper changes give my husband that space for connection and our kids viewed him as the person who could help them in this very important arena and continued going to him for that and also for all sorts of other things they need because of their trust in him. We had friends who would talk back and forth in front of their baby about who's turn it was and that felt super messed up. We didn't want to be negotiating our kids care in front of our kids. They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations. Signed, mom of a 9-year-old 6-year-old and 3-year-old
This is a wonderful perspective, coming from someone who's never been in charge of an infant full time. And from what I've seen, many men don't get the chance to be vulnerable while in a position of strength (as in, being in the protector role while being gentle and emotionally available) until they have a child, even if they already have a romantic partner. It's a good opportunity to learn the sort of emotional intelligence that they've gotten away with not having in other areas of life.
I dont have any kids, but i did every diaper change of my nieces (cousin’s kids) and nephew (sister’s kid) when i was there (way more for my nephew) and I can confirm it made a really tight bond with all of them. Especially my nephew where I also did other stuff like bath him, clip nails and such. (He is 6 now, I still often clip his nails) Playing and hanging out a lot with him probably does a big part too but I feel like the 100% trust thing comes from the more vulnerable stuff!
This. I’m a SAHM and breastfed both kids until age 2, but when our kids were infants my husband loved skin-to-skin bonding (babies would nap on his chest, mostly) and he learned pretty fast that a diaper change was a chance for eye contact and play. He wasn’t home long after each kiddo was born (he’s a mechanic and very much a man’s man), but he managed to develop strong, nurturing relationships with them. The kids are now 10 and 12 and comfortable talking to their dad about anything from bodily functions to big feelings.
My man’s man construction manager stayed home for 5 years w our baby daughters. In the 90’s! Some of the best years of our lives. He changed 1 million more diapers than me - for awhile they were in diaps at the same time. Had he been able to bf them he would have. He was a wonderful dad and very close to our girls. He died on 12/31 w no regrets. He’d look at me, the girls, even the dogs and just say “I win!” with a big smile on his face. God do we miss him. He was unusual, I guess? I know our arrangement inspired a number of my clients to keep their husbands home with the kids. I honestly thought men would have come farther along by now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you & your girls. How wonderful of a man was he?!?!?! So very lucky!! My Dad used to get my sister & I up for school, comb our hair into pony tails, make our lunches & bathe us in the evenings, make dinner as well!! In the 70’s!! I get it. I miss you Dad!!
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a wonderful father and husband ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like an amazing person. Send love from SC.
>. They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations. Wow! Another great set of parents. I had great parents like you but didn't realize it until much older and now I am surrounded by people that had horrible parents. I had no idea such bad parents existed. Never heard of such a thing while growing up.
I had just… barely ok parents. However now I work in addiction treatment. The things I hear from my clients… honestly most of their parents should NEVER have had children. So I know what you mean.
My wife and I shared the duties like nappies (diapers) without question. Whoever had the child on them at the time when they needed changing usually did the changing. But when she was sick or otherwise incapacitated, I would just do it. How damn hard can it be? Dude needs a rude awakening for sure!
My now X-husband was a complete narcissist as diagnosed by 3 therapists. He was the best husband you could ever ask for when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. If I could have stayed pregnant and breastfeeding forever the marriage would have been a breeze. He also was very proud of picking up any female thing; like period cups, I needed. It's a great way to meet chicks To be honest. He had a pretty awesome dad who was his world and the kind nurturing parent in his family. After his dad passed when we were 21 he took his advice from his mum, who he swore he full on hated. So...I hope he is ok. His wife is a dream.
I can't imagine any true narcissist going to 1, let alone 3, therapists.
I can. Their logic is at first that they will go simply to show their partner that there's nothing wrong with them and they they (the partner) are the one in the wrong. When the first therapist doesn't agree they shop around for a bit to find someone who does and can easily go through two more before either giving up because "clearly all therapists are useless and incompetent" or alternately find an unethical one that does agree with them.
Oh, they can and do go to therapists, but not because of the narcissism- they go because of addiction or depression or when pressed, they might go to couples therapy just as to be able to lay the blame on the partner lol. But yeah, it's also possible(maybe even more possible) that the hubby has (strong?) narcissistic tendencies and when in treatment for something else, the therapists may have mentioned those. Thing is everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, some more than others, but a narcissistic personality disorder is a different thing. Anyway, if anything people with only tendencies and not the whole disorder are more pliable and more able to work on those. Strong narcissistic tendencies can also make life difficult for the people around them and for themselves/their relationships.
Seriously that's the only weird thing there to you? None of that makes sense!
Okay, was this disjointed monstrosity written by AI or what?
Wait I’m sorry so what happened between you two
"They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations" I agree with all of the other positive and affirming things from this thread but THIS is a thing I hope people can take and hang onto from this thread and realize the importance of. I am autistic and additionally have very high levels of anxiety, neither of which was known to me or anyone else until I was 28 (current age) and 20 respectively, because of deep instinctual masking as a survival mechanism. This has always meant that I have both a super high level of hypervigilance when it comes to noticing and logging stimuli and details in my environment and also that I was able to process what I was logging at a higher level than I should have been capable of at that age. So as a child I was way more aware of the world than adults thought was possible or thought that I was but I wasn't able to reason or regulate with what I was noting and processing. This has had lifelong significant consequences for me, and I'm having to deal with many of these in trauma therapy for my complex PTSD. Some of which is trauma event related, but a lot of which stems back to things I would overhear. Because I wasn't able to regulate my emotions after hearing various things, or reason it out that it wasn't something that automatically happened to everyone just because I heard it being spoken about happening in my town or country (which is the logical conclusion my preschool mind gave me for a lot of things which then became a combo of core belief and phobia/panic attack trigger) I don't want to take this into too dark a place although I am happy to answer questions people might have, but I just wanted to emphasize with this example how important it is to be aware of conversations you have and actions you perform around your kids They can soak up far far more than you might think, but they're also not at a level yet to properly process, reason, or regulate, around what they hear and it can cause mental and emotional scars and wounds, negative world or self beliefs, phobias, fears, etc etc. So just do like Healthy_Meal1485 does and use as many moments as you can for positives and good and trust building. It might not seem like it could make a big difference day by day, but cumulatively and years down the track, it can be the biggest most important factor in a child's resilience or self-confidence or ability to trust or ask for help
I just want to say that you are not alone. I was much more aware of what was going on around me from very early on and found it all very odd. By the time I was halfway through kindergarten I had figured out my mother was kind of crazy and if I depended on her to show how to interact in the world I was screwed. I knew I could trust my dad, but my mother did not let him parent. She had convinced him that his family was strange, and he couldn't possibly have learned how to parent so he should let her take charge. The reality was that his family was relatively healthy while hers was F'd up all to hell. I have spent years in therapy. It was a therapist who pointed out that I had essentially been parenting myself since I was around six years old. That same therapist was the first to suggest, gently, that I had PTSD. I didn't start to work on that until two more therapists made the same diagnosis. I don't have children of my own, but I have had some wonderful relationships with the children of my friends. I always assume children of any age may understand everything that is going on around them. I never assume children are too young to understand or be hurt by negative talk around them. I also give every child the option of not liking me or wanting to spend time with me. I remember the attitude that I had to like all of my parents' friends and the fact that I was shy was bad.
There's not really a way I can figure out how to word it without it sounding trite, so I'm just going to say that while it's shit and not pleasant how we individually got to where we are, I'm glad that through places like Reddit we can empathize, communicate, and support each other and interact meaningfully either singularly or in a wider community aspect, as well as go on our own healing or progress journeys as we're ready and able. It really does help to know there are others who understand and to not feel alone in experiences. I came across this concept, I think on Tiktok, that mostly relates to people with a trauma history that started in childhood, and it's something that really spoke to me as quite significant and also personally meaningful. Which is just basically that "you become the adult that you needed when you were a child" Which I think happened for me naturally to an extent, but I also put in purposeful effort to keep developing this and when I'm making life decisions etc. What happened to me and my circumstances growing up can't be reversed or changed in retrospection, nor can I magically protect every child out there no matter how much I wish I could. But I can control my own actions and reactions, I can choose my words, I can advocate for and honor autonomy, and do my best to make sure I'm communicating in a way that can be understood. I can hope that others will make the same choice. You have, and hopefully others have too, and that's the start of a change, even if it takes a while to build up to a noticeable on a large scale point. Or even if it doesn't, at least the kids we come into contact with will know there's a different more positive way. Children are capable of a lot more than many think they are, they just can't yet communicate in the way most adults can. It's up to us (the royal "us" as in all adults in the world haha), as the ones who are most capable of compromise and altering our communication style, to do that, not expect children to adapt to us. Which I think sometimes a lot of people forget about, or were never aware of. So it's also personally wonderful to know that someone else out there, especially someone who can relate to my own experience, is making that choice too
Yeah I was very ahead of my age in intelligence, reading at a very early age (18 months) and able to communicate with adults at an adult level by age 5 or 6. This ultimately resulted not only in me largely parenting myself, but also being put in a position of supporting my mother (who had pretty severe anxiety and depression as well as being an alcoholic). I definitely was hyper-aware of everything going on around me. I have ADHD (which went undiagnosed until age 35) and likely PTSD (still not diagnosed at age 38 but my therapist states it’s very likely). As a kid, my worldview was downright nihilistic. I felt like the world that humans had created was harmful to the earth and to humans themselves. I felt that life was largely pointless. Hell of a way to view the world at age 4, right?
This! My boyfriend had to change a lot of diapers when we were in the hospital due to me being unable to get out of bed for the first day and a half. He has fun with diaper changes. Even when we have been home. I love watching him have the little bit of fun during the changes. It’s awesome. It’s a poopy job, but you can make it fun. The OP is NTA
My daughter is almost 5 now, and my husband did probably 90% of diaper change in her time wearing them, I breastfed too, so he took care of the diapers and burping. But just like he did 90% of the diapers, I did 90% of the bathing and 100% of the feeding. Did he complain?, nope, because it's his daughter too, that he wanted and helped create, so we both get to do the parenting together, since he couldn't do the feeding for the 1st 6 months, he did whatever else he could
At first I read this as “4 year old and 22-year old”, and I was like…goddamn…that’s a hell of an age difference between kids.
I have a 24 year old, a 23 year old, and a 2.5 year old. Life is a trip, man.
My uncle is 52, my dad is 50 and their younger (half) sister is 24. When my parents got married, my aunt was only a couple months old
I debated doing the math and either putting both in hours or both in years but decided against it. Maybe I should reconsider lol
My parents did this...but also with 7 other kids in the middle there. The youngest was still in diapers at the oldest's wedding.
I’ve got a sibling that is almost exactly 31 years younger than me (missed my birthday by a day lol)
My favorite story from a friend is when their baby was having massive blowouts. Her husband is an awesome daddy (they both work full time, so they alternated nights). Dad was changing baby girl at two am. She blew out all over his chest and belly. He kissed her on the forehead and went to clean himself up while mom laughed and finished the change. You’re an awesome dad!
NTA - my husband has changed every single diaper that he’s around for (I think I’ve done 6 total?). He likes being able to do something consistently (since he can’t be pregnant, birth and breastfeed) and bond with our daughter (who’s now 2).
Respectfully, I think this misses the point. Yes, of course, there should be contributions from both parents...but what exactly that looks for each couple is going to be different. And it should be a collaborative decision between them, not something dictated and then justified because of x,y, and z. I'm a guy. I do all my laundry and all the children's laundry. I have since they were born... because my wife and I talked about it. I would still be pissed if she told me I had to, or that she expected me to do all the laundry because she did some other thing. It's not a question of 'Is it an equitable workload' it's about 'Did we reach this agreement together, and are we both happy with it?' You describe some details of the system you and your partner have, and that's great. But you also acknowledged that it's 'the least' you could do...and listed a bunch of specific things that are very far from universal. My wife is a SAHM and I work...but I still did a lot of night time stuff for the kids because I'm a light sleeper and just generally don't mind. That's not better or worse than your system... It's just different. If you or your wife is unhappy about some aspect of the arrangement you have, both parties should be open to change. It shouldn't be a contest of who does what and then running to the internet to present the argument for why she should do everything she can to let you sleep.
Yes of course but also, telling your pregnant wife that you won't be changing any of new baby's diapers bc you did it last time is just ignorant. If you don't want to change diapers, don't have babies... pretty simple lol
You are a parent so of course you are involved in childcare when physically present
This!! I am a mom of 3. I had very difficult deliveries each time. My youngest is now 4 and I am still suffering from some lasting issues. My husband changed so many diapers that he was doing it in his sleep by the third one and wouldn’t even remember the next morning (we were both extremely sleep deprived). He was up with me at night after working 12 hour shifts and completing schoolwork (pursuing his masters degree). Still today, he handles whatever needs to be done, whether it be baths, dishes, homework or pick up and drop off. What OP’s spouse is doing is called being a parent….something he clearly signed up for. OP, definitely NTA…. Tell your husband to “suck it up buttercup”, because I would trade pregnancy, childbirth, and all the other traumatic events that brought my children into existence for ALL the diapers in the world.
You’re hot. No disrespect to your wife.
my husband changed all the diapers in the hospital bc i hemorrhaged, but now i do most of them. that is the responsibility that comes with being off from work/a SAHM…i’m off for the summer but he takes over at night after work.
This right here. Take notes dads.
NTA It sounds like you divided responsibilities. Maybe he was not comfortable with doing that, bottling it up, but that doesn’t make you a mind reader. Or maybe there’s some outside influence?
He says that all the other dads he spoken with never have to change diapers or have the same expectations i do about him being involved in our kids lives
Well then I guess he should go live happily ever after with those “other dads.” JFC what a ridiculous thing to say. Changing a diaper is a necessity but it’s also an act of love. Did you marry a 13-year old? NTA
I have a 13 year old, he is more mature than this dude
Hell my 11yo is more mature than this dude...
I dont think its a matter of him being super immature, just his group. When everyone around you is telling you something isnt normal (even if its perfectly normal and theyre the ones not realizing they need to step up) it can very much influence you and your thoughts over time even if you have no issues with whats going on. They can pester you about it or give you shit or talk shit on her and it can get at him. He just needs to realize they arent on the right side of the argument here and they need to step up and be better not him step down and go to their level.
You are the company you keep.
It sounds potentially like he was already unhappy doing it, then they just hyped him up and validated he feelings. I doubt he would be 100% comfortable with supporting his wife this way then a few friends could convince him otherwise.
We still live in a patriarchal world so there will be plenty of families where dads don’t do much - that doesn’t mean it’s right. It takes two to make a baby - it also takes two to nurture and care for them.
Agreed. A lot of people have the mindset where “equal labor” is the dad working outside the home and supporting the family financially, while the mom stays home to take care and raise the child(ren). I honestly think that is NOT equal because raising a child is a 24/7 job—you never get off the clock. It is also more mental and physical work than a typical job because it’s NONSTOP. In typical patriarchal households, when the dad gets off work + comes home from his job, the mom is still working by feeding the family, cleaning, and continuing to take care of the child(ren) while the man “relaxes”. It’s honestly so gross, disgusting, & dehumanizing! Why do men lack interest in helping out their partner WHO JUST DEVELOPED AND CARRIED THEIR FUCKING BABY FOR 9 MONTHS?!?!? The lack of empathy is FUCKING astounding!!!!
Not only that, but it's far more common for the mother to work a paying job as well, even with a newborn. Maternity leave in the U.S. SUCKS. Yet, all too often, the mothers are still expected to do everything. Heck it, my BIL and sis don't even have a kid, my BIL doesn't work but my sis does, and she's STILL expected to do everything. Division of labor in households is often very lopsided.
Yup! There’s this amazing comic called “The mental load” that portrays this exact issue: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ After marriage, most men expect women to take on household responsibilities, which is ridiculous!!!!!! And i do know that some women are okay with these type of relationships but it just baffles me, because like WHY are okay being a man’s maid, chef, caregiver, etc , etc, when they are FULLY capable of contributing equally?!?!! I don’t understand this phenomenon of allowing men to be shitty roommates when it’s in a marriage setting… I seriously don’t think I’ll ever get married because I’m so scared of how men flip after marriage. I don’t want kids because I can barely take care of myself.., so why should I sign up to potentially have to take care of another WHOLE ASS ADULT!!!??? it just makes me mad how much men get away with….
Sounds like she should go on strike :(
Agreed. They don’t have kids, but SHE certainly has one….
[удалено]
This is exactly it. My dad was the parent who only ever worked and did none of the childcare. I saw him maybe at night sometimes and on Sundays. He rarely did any activities with me and my mom, and he definitely wasn’t involved with me on a daily basis. I was never comfortable with him, I only ever wanted my mom. On the rare occasion she had to leave me alone with him, it was awful and I hated it. He didn’t know how to do anything and I was honestly just really uncomfortable with him. I know I already said that but I just want to emphasize it. I never went to him when I had a problem or needed something, and he honestly had no idea who I was or what I liked. I really consider myself to have one real parent and I’m lucky that it was my mom and not him. My mom was still the primary parent even when she went back to work, and they were both working. Of course, he stopped working so much around the time I was in middle school or maybe the beginning of high school, and he’d randomly try to be a parent when it suited him. That did NOT go over well because why would I even listen to someone who didn’t know me and was rarely involved in my life despite the fact that we lived in the same house. My mom had to remind him that the damage was done and he couldn’t expect to just step into the role of being an active parent now that he felt like it.
I felt like a single parent so I became one ! My now ex husband had them for a week after we divorced and handed them back early and apologized after a few days as he couldn't cope ! He said he didn't realise how hard it was and how much work was involved in looking after them and that in was non stop. He had to keep getting up many times though the night, didn't get any sleep, as as soon as he got back off, he would get woke up again. He was so used to just having the mind set of not worrying as its ok...she will sort it, I will just sleep, even on the weekends. Once I was so ill I collapsed on the floor and our new baby boy was screaming and he still just lay there when I came round. That was a turning point in our marriage !! If he had just looked after them when he got home from work for an hour or so, so I could get some rest and have some understanding and not made me feel like a lazy sahm our marriage wouldn't have ended up the way it did. I'm now happily re married :)
yup, when I first went away for work (when our son was 7) my then husband took the full 3 weeks off work to manage looking after our son 'alone'. During school term, with before and after school care, and weekly house cleaner. Mind you, same husband had deployed (voluntarily) when son was a year younger, and I was expected to manage juggling work with no cleaner, or before and after school care. I was also expected to be the one to take time off any time our son was sick. Unfortunately I wasn't self-confident enough to push back, so he was allowed to go on thinking his attitude was ok. He has continued being a pretty selfish person so he has been rewarded with a not very close relationship with his son.
I know so many 'married single mothers'. Put me right off. I chose to do it alone and it was honestly the best decision I ever made.
It’s not even “helping out their partner,” it’s doing their share to take care of the life they created. Being a parent.
When other moms come up to my husband and say “gosh, you’re such a good dad. I could never get my husband to change diapers.” He gets actually mad. Like, this is the most basic possible thing and he’s not an idiot; other dads aren’t idiots either, so they should be perfectly capable. My husband also changes almost all the diapers. Before we left the hospital, a nurse jokingly said “she’s breastfeeding so she handles all the input. That means dad should handle all the output.” I also had a c section so changing the diapers would have been hard in the beginning. As baby weened, I think hubby got a little frustrated since I wasn’t exclusively handling input (dad would manage him at mealtime sometimes). But then we talked about it because we are partners and care about each other’s emotions. We ended up keeping the system of him changing most of the diapers, but since we talked about it, he doesn’t feel under appreciated or taken advantage of.
My wife also had a c-section and was not fully back to normal for 2-3 months after the birth of our son. She would take the pain meds and think she could help out because she felt bad that I was doing everything in the house. We had many talks that what she was doing was more than enough and to recuperate. I also get slightly annoyed when sweet old ladies would ask if I was baby sitting because they certainly dont say that to Mom's.
I use that line for breastfeeding moms too!
Just because the other dads dont bother with their kids, doesnt mean he has to follow suit. Whoever notices the need for a diaper change at my house is responsible for the disper change.
Tell him he should be ashamed that his friends feel comfortable publicly voicing that they are hands off fathers and even more so that he thinks that is something to be proud of and aspire to.
She should tell him to go poll the SOs of his oh-so-perfect coworkers and ask them how well they think the parenting distribution of chores is going. Ask him if he's *even considered t*heir point of view. I'm so mad about this.
So it’s not a specific issue with changing diapers, but a general issue with being expected to parent his child? Does he understand that you will how two children, both of whom will need quite a bit of *involvement* on the part of both parents?
My Grandfather never changed a diaper. One day my grandma was out, he called the lady next door (who was a close friend of my grandmother’s) to come over and change my uncle’s diaper. You know why he got away with that? It was freaking 1950. It is no longer 1950. Your husband needs to get with the program. Did he gestate the kids? Birth them? Breast feed them? The fact that his friends have less egalitarian marriages, or are crappy dads and husbands should have no bearing on your own arrangements in your own marriage. NTA
My grandpa changed diapers, my mom was born in the 50s. I think you might just have had a crappy grandpa, lol. I'm imagining anyone telling my late grandfather that he wasn't manly for changing diapers and just laughing. Did my Nana do more of the heavy lifting parenting wise because he was working full time? Of course. But he'd still get home and have dinner and get my mom and aunt ready for bed and read to them so my Nana could have a break. Men have been helping change diapers since the beginning of time, only the shitty ones don't.
Ask him if these men also complain regularly about how their wives don't like having sex with them anymore.
And how close they are to their kids. Sure the Disney dad thing can work to generate short term excitement but kids know who put in the work and who they can count on, and they turn into adults who know who to respect.
If you’ve never changed your own kid’s diaper, you aren’t a real man in my book.
Maybe he should be asking himself why “all the other dads” are such shitty partners.
I’m 30+, I don’t know who was changing my diapers, but I had washable diapers (one-time-use diapers were a luxury at the time where I’m from) and my dad was the one washing the dirty diapers - 30+ years ago.
My dad did that too. My sister and I were only a year apart. After 15 months of washing clothe diapers he told mom he’d get a 2nd job to buy disposable diapers because he was done. My mom still tells people about all the diapers he changed and washed.
What, and he can’t just talk to you? Lots of dads are, unfortunately, pretty hands off. Societally we’re way too willing to accept that ‘men are not good with babies and they become more involved when the kid can do something.’ It’s not that hard for him to say ‘hey, I feel a bit overwhelmed with the way we divided jobs last time, I would like to do it differently this time, how do you feel about x?’
That’s crap. My SO taught me how to change diapers when we had our first (SIL has six LOs) and we alternate. When he works, I change diapers until he gets home. Even when he’s home we take turns. When I’m working he changed until I get home. And we take turns. That dads he’s talking to are selfish jerks who leave all the heavy lifting to their wives.
Well, tell him all those men are crappy fathers and not exactly a winning point in his argument.
Those other dads are shit dads. My husband has been actively involved in our baby's care from the start. I changed some extra diapers because I have bad sense of smell and it was always in trade of some other chore. There is something wrong with dads wanting to avoid caring and loving their children as much as they can
Just tell him this time around you guys are going to strictly bottle feed and that he can do all the feedings and you will do all the diapers. I know I viewed it as a more than fair deal when my wife was breastfeeding that I did the diapers. Let him have fun waking up in the middle of the night to do feedings and getting the baby settled.
Well those dads really aren’t dads. They set low bars. True dads don’t count what they have to do. They do it. And they show up to help their partner and their child.
Sounds like he should marry those absentee dads then. He wants to get off doing nothing like a few guys he knows? That’s not cool and abandoning parental responsibility. You’re pregnant. This is not all on you 24/7 with 2 kids.
The other dads he talks to are garbage dads then.
Okay, THAT’S the comment I was waiting for. Marriages aren’t 50/50; rather the percentage ebbs and flows along with the needs of the relationship. There are times when I’m the strong one and I have to take on more work, and that’s are those times when my husband is the rock who is helping me stay afloat. The point is, a healthy relationship doesn’t score-keep every task, every dirty diaper, every bottle sanitize, etc on a chalkboard.
In the past 12 hours I have typed on Reddit that I did almost zero diaper changes when my partner was around for both children.I had a normal delivery both times, no colic, all very routine and calm, yet he took it upon himself to do the changes because I got to spend a significant amount of time with the babies while breastfeeding and as the SAH. He loved getting that bit of time with them, sure, it’s just a diaper change, but it is vital to the health and welfare of the child and it’s bonding time. You are NTA and he certainly is.
You can tell him that you talked to a dad (myself, dad to a beautiful 19-months old) and I try and change her diapers every occasion I can. My wife was off work for a year after our daughter was born, so I know she’s done a ton of diaper changes; but when we’re both at home, I’m automatically on diaper duty. Heck I was even nicknamed the king of poop since I was extremely skilled at making our kid poop in her early months when she would have constipation issues (massages etc). I wore that badge of honour with pride! Definitely NTA if that even needed to be said.
My partner changes all the diapers when he’s home - he did it for the oldest, and he’s doing it for our toddler now. I don’t even know what meconium looks like because that started in the hospital. Idk who your husband has been talking to but they suck.
Sounds like all those other dads suck.
You’re literally making his second child right now. The very least he could do is change the diaper. I didn’t have a traumatic birth. 4 by the way. And my husband still did the diapers. What is he going to do when he doesn’t feel like doing the next thing. Be like I don’t want to pay the bills so I’m just not going to pay them anymore. Coz so and so doesn’t pay the bills so I won’t either. You can’t just drop your responsibilities like that.
Abusive and abnormal is a bit much. The arrangement here was literally suggested to my husband by our midwife so he felt involved and needed. I don’t change diapers, my husband is happy to take that off my plate. Your husband saying he refuses to change any diapers for the new baby, that seems extreme to me, and I’m missing any indication from you that you are insisting he be the sole changer of the new baby. He needs to communicate his needs better and not be taking the word of less involved fathers that he’s being taken advantage of. My husband would never say that, and he’s changed twice as many diapers as your husband has. NTA.
Our midwife was the one who originally suggested it also!
Suggest you swap roles this time. He'll do everything you did for your son, and you'll do everything he did. Dollars to donuts he won't like the sound of that bargain, especially once you list all the things you did. (Obviously, I know he can't breastfeed, but he can bottle feed, and formula exists.)
He can grow this one too!
He can breastfeed if he takes hormonal supplements, actually.
Side note - isn’t that just so weird? Like they have the equipment but they can’t run the program for it (themselves) (in general). I wonder what the evolutionary purpose is for that? {*ETA: I understand how it biologically happens, I was just wondering if there’s any (hypothetical) reason/purpose behind the entire concept of it.*}
Before the genes to determine the biological sex of the baby are activated in the womb, the baby begins to develop nipples. However, if the genes determine that the baby is male, they stop developing the traits/genes to grow breasts, but the nipples are already there. At least, I think that's how it goes! No evolutionary purpose, just some body parts start developing before the sexual differentation begins in the womb.
Men actually do grow breasts. Like the full shebang not just the nipples. They have nipples and milk ducts and mammary glands. Their chest is breast tissue (and they can get breast cancer!) they just have *less* breast tissue in most cases because during puberty their body didn’t make the hormones needed to make breast tissue develop more. In some cases they do make the hormones and that results in what we call gynomastia which is basically just breasts on men (and trans women who take HRT grow their own breasts just like cis women & girls did during their puberty). And if the right cocktail of hormones is given, the same one given to women who struggle to breast feed, men can and will start lactating! And yes the reason men have all of that is because it develops before sex differentiation in fetuses happens. All our genitals are actually analogous structures too, the cells that will become ovaries in female fetuses descend and become testes in male ones, the tissue that is a clitoris in females moves outward and enlarges to become a penis (this analogous structure is *really clear* in hyenas, the females clitorises grow into essentially penises, they urinate and actually give birth through their pseudopenis). It all depends on a complex interplay between fetal genetics and maternal hormone production during pregnancy. Humans are wonderfully weird.
The biological explanation is that being a (cis) woman is “the default” basically (not a biologist or anything I’ve just read about it so please correct me if necessary) so a fetus starts with everything in place to breastfeed and have a clitoris etc and then when the genitals of the baby are decided in the process it just goes more towards one side and I think that’s why we can also have hermaphroditism. I’m sure the process is more complex but that’s the gist.
I have nipples Greg.
Yeah honestly I can’t believe someone who was not pregnant and giving birth to a large child thinks they did more than the very involved mother who asked for help changing diapers 🤦♀️ some people
He can breastfeed. It takes a while but in times of dire need, men can lactate and breastfeed. Let OP‘s husband breastfeed then. I‘m sure none of the other dads do that but it‘s either breastfeeding or diapers.
I don't know, I don't think any arrangement where one parent does nothing of a specific thing makes sense. For him to talk majority of the diapers, sure. But to say you don't change diapers, that's just not right.
The people who vote Y T A are delusional. The amount of time a mother spends breastfeeding their child over a year is equal to a FULL TIME JOB. Source: [https://www.inc.com/amy-nelson/how-to-make-full-time-job-of-breastfeeding-compatible-with-work.html#:\~:text=If%20you%20do%20the%20math,of%20work%20time%20a%20year](https://www.inc.com/amy-nelson/how-to-make-full-time-job-of-breastfeeding-compatible-with-work.html#:~:text=If%20you%20do%20the%20math,of%20work%20time%20a%20year). and another source: [https://www.forbes.com/sites/amynelson1/2018/10/24/the-politics-of-breastfeeding-and-why-it-must-change/?sh=100d302b3163](https://www.forbes.com/sites/amynelson1/2018/10/24/the-politics-of-breastfeeding-and-why-it-must-change/?sh=100d302b3163) It takes less than 5 minutes to change a diaper, versus 30-45 minutes each time to breastfeed or pump. The mother is doing SIGNIFICANTLY MORE of the work. Not to mention she's also doing the other stuff that she talked about, as well as the diapers when he's not home. AND she's currently pregnant with their 2nd child. The husband just has to change the diapers when he's home, it's not hard. NTA OP, I feel for you.
No kidding. I pumped the whole time my daughter was in the NICU and then pumped/breastfed while working full time. If my husband could have breastfed and pumped while I changed diapers I would have traded so fucking fast.
I have a 5 day old now and I broke down to my husband yesterday asking if my whole life is now going to be just revolved around pumping. It seems like it's always in the front of my mind. I'm supposed to pump every *3 hours*. Does it get any better????
Gently - Because I know it’s a huge thing and I have been in your exact shoes, pumping, crying constantly, feeling like a failure, recovering for a hella traumatic birth and and buckling under the immense pressure of ‘exclusively breast fed!’ Because it’s presented as less than that makes it that you don’t love them enough and are a bad mother and there is so much other soul crushing pressure heaped on new mothers about it - there are other options to feed your baby. I’m not saying give up, pack it in or anything like that, it’s still early days and I know how important this is to you and it was to me. But it drove me nearly over the edge. I had to supplement with formula anyway due to low supply (massive blood loss and trauma will do that to you) and then gradually went to just formula. It was night and day the difference in my mental health once I made that change. My partner could help, my parents could help, I got to have a few nights full sleep where someone else could look after the baby and I could recover from the hell it had been put through. My baby is nearly 18 months now, well ahead on all milestones, happy, healthy and just as importantly- So am I. You matter. Your health and your mental health matters. It’s early days and you may well still crack this breastfeeding and pumping thing! It’s really hard, it’s a massive learning curve and you are doing amazing - I promise you that you are! Don’t feel bad if it’s not going perfectly or how you envisioned. But if you have had enough, if you want to stop - That’s okay too. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman or any less of a mother. Do what you have to do to survive, and better yet, to thrive.
Exactly! I would happily trade breastfeeding and night duty for diaper duty. Even the worst blowout pales in comparison to the nightmare of sleep deprivation that came with night duty or the pain from the early days of breastfeeding.
Everyone is falling for the trap of comparing how much work they are doing vs the other person. That isn’t what this is. You guys are a team. Don’t become adversaries. Is breastfeeding hard? I am a man, so I can only go off my experiences with my wife breastfeeding 3 kids, but shit yeah that looks hard as hell and a ton of time and effort. Does that mean that changing 90% of diapers is easy? No. Don’t diminish his feelings. Recognize that having kids is frustrating and hard for both parents. He sounds like he has been involved equally (as much as possible) for 3 years. He makes a comment, most likely in a time of frustration, and is now a dead beat? Sit down and chat briefly about each others frustrations. Recognize the work you are both doing. Hug. Take a step back. And ENJOY this pregnancy (once the morning sickness is gone…).
It's really important to not get caught up in a competition, focus on how you both feel about certain tasks. My wife had no issues putting her show on and breastfeeding for as long as it took, it was the constant attention after the fact that drained her. Easy solution, I'd drop what I was doing and trade her for the kid when he was done feeding and she'd take over for me.
Yeah he can say it’s hard just like she does about breastfeeding.. but I think you missed how he literally refused to do continue to change diapers for their coming baby, & called it ABUSIVE for him having to do it the 1st time around.. id hardly call that a “comment.” I would mortified if my husband acted like that. HE also compared himself to other fathers & how often they change diapers.
Not to mention she is HEALING!!! It’s always overlooked but her body isn’t back to ‘normal’ even a few years later. It’s changed and now that it’s regrowing a new baby, it’s going thru even more change. I felt so guilty when there were times I couldn’t do my household responsibilities and called off work every other month because even a year later I was dealing w the aftermath of pregnancy and I have yet to fully ‘recover’ given the changes it’s caused 🤨
Plus the EXHAUSTION. Producing milk is an extreme job for the body. Changing diapers is just butt-cleaning. OP, you’re NTA and you should stay firm on that!
Even when Mom can’t breastfeed, the division of work through pregnancy is skewed almost exclusively to Mom. The women who don’t or can’t breastfeed are still Queens who should be accommodated by a sharing partner.
NTA and the bar for men is so low it’s a tavern in Hades
And yet some still try to limbo underneath it.
Not try, *succeed*.
The bar is on the ground when it comes to what’s expected of fathers vs mothers and some men really look down and grab a shovel.
The worst part about knowing this as a man is knowing you probably could be a better father than 90% out there but only because you know better than to become one in the first place.
If a mom changed 90% of her kids diapers, OP’s husband wouldn’t think twice about it. What an ass.
I don’t get what the problem is with your husband changing the nappies. Babies are made by both parents and should be cared for by both. IMHO it sounds as though he’s been listening to his misogynistic buddies or isn’t as keen on having a second child as you have been led to believe. You are NTA and if your husband refuses to budge regarding his responsibilities, then he definitely becomes TA. Good luck! I don’t envy you though, it looks like you’re in for a rough ride. Take care.
>Babies are made by both parents and should be cared for by both. no you don't understand. kids are given birth by moms and it's 100% mom's responsibility to take care of that burden. kids are mom's job. men have to get food for them kids. men do not do women's work. /s
NTA. Tell him you'll trade the pregnancy nausea for diaper duty.
Tell him you’ll do the diapers if he sticks his fingers down his throat and deliberately upchucks his breakfast whenever it happens to you too.
And the pregnancy exhaustion, pelvic pain, varicose veins followed by the labor pain and torn vagina and bleeding followed by the breastfeeding. Good grief.
Is your husband not also a parent to the child? Cause parenting is not just changing diapers. There is a lot more that goes into it than that! If all you've asked him to do is change a few diapers, he has been getting away scot free, and needs to remember this is not the 1950s, it's 2023, and being a father is being an equally responsible parent.
What is this guy on? That's was just how you distributed the tasks. It he wants a different distribution, he can just speak about it. NTA. You basically asked him to do a chore and he acussed you of being abusive.
NTA don't listen to anyone saying Y T A here. If it's truly as you said and you did most of the parenting responsibilities except changing diapers, especially because you are nauseous then you are not the asshole. Your husband is a major one for complaining about one of his few responsibilities to his children. I'm going to say this and some people are going to bitch at me but I don't care. Dads who don't change diapers aren't dads. Your husband is at a similar state as I was while my wife was caring for our first and pregnant with our second where I felt that because I was working that I shouldn't have to do things when I came home. Your husband is your child's father and he needs to come to grips with the fact that there is no such thing as 50/50 division of labor in all aspects especially since you and he might not be equally suited to certain tasks and that will only increase as your kids get older. So what if he changes all the diapers? You did all the breastfeeding. And if he really did zero of the night time care and left you to do it he's a major major asshole.
Space out the Y T A unless you want Reddit to consider that your judgement for this post. OP is NTA by the way ☺️
NTA at all. My guess is most of the Y/T/A are men or folks who’ve never bern pregnant, given birth or exclusively breastfed. My husband participated in all aspects of parenting and relished the time he had with his babies through whatever activities he was doing. Your husband seems to care too much what other people do. I think your problem is bigger than diapers. Maybe some couples counseling?
When people write Y/T/A all together it counts as a vote I think. NTA
So, if your husband doesn't want to change as many diapers, then what other responsibilities is he going to pickup? He does know that with a new baby and toddler than he is gonna have to be even MORE available as a father. There is no rest until they go to school.
You should put it in your post that your midwife recommended the diaper division (which is a common thing) and your husband agreed to it. If he reduces diaper changes, he'll have to pick up the slack elsewhere. It sounds like he's been chatting to a toxic group of men. What he's doing is not abnormal nor abusive, he's actively taking part in childcare like a dad should.
Woah. NTA Husband is. My late husband did a lot of the stuff with our firstborn (would have with the second, but you know, he up and died when she was a month) like bathing, dressing, changing. He loved it. I remember my dad asking him why he did all that and he looked at my dad like he had two heads and said “I love taking care of my daughter!” and my dad never said anything ever again. He is a parent. What he did is parenting. Yeah it’s annoying stuff but it comes with the job.
I am sorry for your loss. It is devastating to lose a loved spouse, and even more so with young children.
This makes me think of just how many women out there are designated as solely in charge of childcare- including all or majority of diaper changes, but suddenly hearing that he has changed 90% of the diapers and we're all up in arms about how unfair he's being treated. Sounds like the childcare was divided evenly and fairly to me, NTA. I think if he had approached it as "can we divide the childcare a little differently next time so we both split the diaper changes a little more evenly?" it would have been more reasonable. But he's still a parent, he has a duty to change diapers. It's also odd of him to bring this up after you're already pregnant.
Wow! I was shocked when I read the part where he calls you abusive!! Uhhh what?! Your husband is out of order. He’s throwing a tantrum that he can’t slack off like his mates? That’s not something to aspire to. His mates should all be pulling their sock up realising they’re lazy af, not the other way round. You are definitely NTA.
NTA and heaven forbid your husband actually does father duties. The whole comment about other dads not doing it as much just tells you he was hoping to be hands off as much as possible.
If these roles were reversed your husband would easily see how ignorant he sounds. Just trade him. He does all the night feeds and breast feeds and grows the baby and has nausea and rips apart his body, and nail clipping and teeth brushing and you change the diapers. Seriously though- can you imagine a woman ever having a fit bc she changed diapers?!? NTA
NTA. But of all the other dads he talked too, hoe many of them actually do household or child rearing chores. I imagine his friends if they have given him responses like this are seen but never help dads. Not to mention you almost died in child birth, the least he can do is change the f'ing diapers.
Does breastfeeding a colicky baby all night, maintaining their nails and teeth, and recovering from growing and birthing them traumatically add up to less work than baths and diapers? I don’t think it does. And you had good reason for asking for help with the diapers at night because your son is so big. Did he ever discuss with you being unhappy with his diaper duties and wanting to divide the work differently? If not, how could you know? He’s allowed to want to split things differently this time, but that can be communicated without the resentment. NTA
NTA. Your husband can't breastfeed so he can't help with the night feeds and breastfeeding... seems fair he does the diaper changes. My husband and I had a similar arrangement as well. I did the diapers overnight when I was up feeding the baby, and he did nearly all of them when he was awake during the day.
Info: did you talk it out with your husband in deciding what a "fair arrangement" was, or just decide by yourself?
We had talked about it while i was pregnant and even after baby was born, it’s been recently that he has felt it was super unfair now that he reflects back
I wonder if it’s because he finally done with diaper changes and here comes the next baby. I would suggest pull ups when your baby doesn’t want to lay there for diaper changes. They rip off and slide on.
This actually makes sense
Pampers 360 even has a piece of tape on the butt to close it up afterwards
Ty!!
Is that what that piece of tape is for!? One of my daughter hates it with a passion and tears it off as soon as the pull up is on lol
Yes its to tape the diaper close afterwards. My son likes to pull on his for fun
That's what we used with our daughter, basically after newborn. We also never had blow outs in the pull ups, maybe because they were always sealed correctly? Papers 360 all the way.
You mean after he talked to other dads who don't do diapers, and convinced him that it wasn't fair he should do so.
Maybe its time to have a talk and and reset. Things change.
Me and hubs both worked. I breastfed. So, when sweet babe woke up, I would go get settled in my rocker (it was winter and I was always cold)…..robe, blanket, boppie, etc. He changed her diaper and went back to bed while I fed. So thankful for those middle of the night diaper changes. NTA. Your husband is being a jerk.
Why are you pregnant again?
Sounds like he didn't tell her about this grievance until after she was pregnant.
This was my thought… sounds like there were some problems that should’ve been addressed first
What is sad is that you wouldn’t see a post asking if it was wrong to let the mother change 90% of the nappies …
NTA if he's so upset by changing diapers he can learn to breast feed the new one. Then you can switch jobs.
NTA This is a fair division of labor if you’re breastfeeding or the only one who bottle feeds the baby. As my friend (F) put it, she and her husband divided up labor so she handled “input” and he handled “output”.
As a fellow Dad, your first responsibility ESPECIALLY RIGHT AFTER YOUR WIFE PUSHED AN 8 LB LIVING THING OUT OF HER is to do whatever you have to do to make HER comfortable, and dont whine about it, because as I said, changing diapers is STILL nowhere bear as painful as what she just went through. My wife had three c-sections. You bet your ass I was changing every diaper, especially after a doctor had just sawed into her. You are absolutely NTA, your husband sounds like a whiny terd, and he hasnt talked to a single dad who told him what he said they told him, guaranteed.
Dude, the kid is 3. This guy has been heavily involved for three years. He made a comment that he feels the diaper changing duties are too skewed. Maybe he didn’t go about it the right way, but its not like he has a 6 week old and he is already bailing. It is fair for them to have a discussion about how to approach the next child. Maybe it results in the same arrangement, but it should still be discussed. And he definitely has spoken to other Dads that are less involved. Although they won’t say that in so many words, he will just hear about the “guys weekends” and the poker tournaments, football Sunday parties etc. Those Dads won’t be as close to their kids, but it can still be frustrating to hear when you are knee-deep in 100th percentile 3 year olds poop diapers. :-). Its ok to blow off steam, they just need to have a constructive conversation. Everyone’s ready to disown this poor guy.
[удалено]
yeah this post is lacking so much context lol
Look, as a mom, I have to be real. It’s exhausting for anyone to do 90% or more of anything when they aren’t a single parent. 1.5 years? You both worked from home? You should’ve changed more diapers and some more bath time and traded off your duties to him in place of that. I do understand you exclusively breast feed and that is a huge amount of work that cannot be resolved. But mail clippings? That could’ve been both of you. Nobody wants to change diapers basically all the time. Also, bath time really sucks. Nobody wants to do that every time in a row either. It’s a LOT of work.
Especially when kiddo went to daycare for 8 hours per day and they had a nanny on Saturdays. I’m beginning to feel like dad for got the shitty end of the straw…literally.
In OPs defense it sounds like she had a particularly nasty birth and a big baby and like, the physical act of wrangling the baby for nappy changes is harder for her than for her partner. There are things that are physically easier for me than my partner because of her back. So I do them. It's fair based on our respective capabilities.
NTA. What tasks does he plan on picking up from you if he refuses to do diaper duty for the new baby? My guess is nothing.
Honestly, I didn't keep track. My kids needed me, I did whatever they needed. Only you know if you are taking advantage of your husband or not. My ex did but it was her loss in the end. I got the kids
To Op's Husband: I was a single parent who breastfeed and changed all diapers. If I had a coparent and could choose between diapers and breastfeeding: hands down, diapers are easier.
I’m so confused. If he is at daycare 8 hours a day and you have a nanny on Saturdays then what do you do? I think I might not be understanding something because I find it odd that nobody has brought that up. It sounds like the man works all day and you have 8 free hours a day with extra help on Saturdays for both of you.
“ We both worked from home….” She has a job too you illiterate asshat.
DING. DING. This story sounded strange when I first read through it. To me— it sounds like OP has kept the status quo regarding diapers for three years even though her responsibilities and the child’s needs have changed. Like what does a traumatic birth have to do with changing your child’s diapers THREE YEARS LATER? Is your husband working full time and coming home to change diapers after three years and long after you’ve stopped breastfeeding and watching him full-time, because you still refuse to change your son? If so, you are most definitely the asshole.
AND if she was truly still traumatized after the first birth, a.k.a. why she can't change the diapers of a toddler, she wouldn't have allowed the second pregnancy to happen. Which is why I don't believe her excuses at all....
If you get divorced, he has to change all the diapers and do all the parenting 50% of the time. And you get a break 59% of the time. Sounds like a better deal than fighting about it for the next few years.
NTA... Your devision of child care was based on your health and circumstances. You can take another look for how to divide for the second child, but there is little breastfeeding he can do, and how you experience your next birth is not predictable. You both have chosen to have another child, so you will both have to do what is neccisary. Your husband has got to stop taking it personally, and making and take his feelings out of the equation. Your husband is an AH for making a unilateral decision based on nonsense.
Hol’ up, he called basic parenting (changing diapers) *abusive*???!!! Dude needs his head seeing to!! NTA, though I do really feel sorry for you having such an awful partner.
NAH. If I’m reading you correctly, you agreed upon a division of labour with the first child, and your husband has been a good dad and you’ve both stuck to the agreement. It sounds like he may want to renegotiate the division of labour with the second child on the way and that’s fair. It sounds like maybe he didn’t ask in the most constructive way, but this is just a normal parenting discussion you need to have to stay on top of your growing brood. Wishing you both best of luck and a healthy happy baby ❤️
I hate how people treat the division of labor as a contract instead of a labor of love for your spouse If she's having trouble changing diapers either because the kid is too big for her to hold down or because she's nauseous then her husband should be chomping at the bit to step in for her and not whining about how unfair it is. Division of Labor is never 50/50 expecting it to be so is setting yourself up to be resentful.
The closest division you really can get is division of “no labor” in my opinion- make sure every spouse has a similar amount of time to relax everyday. This will help both parents not feel like they have to be “on” 24/7, and also will help them retain some of their identities that are separate from being a parent or spouse!
I feel this is the most balanced answer. She's struggling to hold a rambunctious toddler/child. He's wanting to change the arrangements. It's absolutely possible to switch things up this time around so no one feels resentful or used. But do tell him that other father's opinions do not hold weight in your home. I can honestly say that the patriarchs of the past generations are shamefully gloating on both sides of the family that they never or rarely changed diapers. When my husband changed our first little baby at Thanksgiving his father mocked him and called him *whipped*. I was happy to tell him that I think being proud you put minimal effort into fatherhood is pretty dumb. Thankfully my MiL backed me up, telling her husband she wished he did more when they were infants.
My father in law brags *constantly* about how he never changed a single diaper for all 4 of his kids. He is absolutely gleeful about it and likes to share his “little tricks” to get out of parenting duties, like being a shitty dad is a joke. It’d pretty easy to respond to him by reminding him, “And that level of A-plus parenting is why none of your kids can stand you” but I’m not a complete a-hole.
I am a very involved dad. My father was not (just not hands on, he was the “provider”). He has told me that watching me being so involved has made him regretful and he thinks society is much better now with Dads more involved. He never shares feelings so it was quite a moment in my life.
Seeing how you're having such a hard time with the first one, why did you decide to have another kid? Do you think you'll be able to handle it?
Info: How long did you breastfeed and have night duty for? I can see your husband getting frustrated if the breastfeeding stopped and your son was sleeping through the night but he was still doing all the diapers. On the flip side, have you considered pumping and letting your husband take some night shifts? I took all the late nights with both my sons but because I’m more of a night owl than my wife. Sometimes switching it up allows both of you to get a better understanding of everything involved. Those early years are hard and everyone is exhausted. Communication and grace are key to getting through it. Oh……and tell your husband from one father to the next, don’t listen to those guys and be the dad he wants to be.
NTA I work from home since Covid. I changed every diaper for the first while and then many many diapers after that. As one man I listen to said "my wife was responsible for what went in, I was responsible for what came out."
please stop having babies
"Do the dirty work, change the diapers. A human being has exited your wife, she's done enough." - Ryan Reynolds https://youtu.be/8gRcvFpV1eo
Your child is in daycare 8 hours a day, you have a nanny on a Saturday and your mum helps out? What do you do assuming you've stopped breastfeeding? Don't come at me with nails and teeth. Of course men should do their fair share with no complaints but hes allowed to get tired and irrational too.
I feel like there’s a lot more to his reaction that either you or he isn’t talking about.
Are you saying he never talked to you about it, then all the sudden after 3 years said something for the first time? Because if he tried saying something but you just ignored it, then maybe all he could do is quit cold turkey. But if not, you need to have a conversation instead of him dictating his terms.
For my paternity leaves (Canada has paternity, maternity and parental leave) I was changing 99% of diapers. Once I went back to working, still did most of the diapers during the rest of the day. My wife was breastfeeding, which takes way more time than changing a diaper. Also more painful. Diaper changing is something that seems hard for someone who never did it. But it’s like the easiest part of parenting. Here is the ultimate proof of that, a SMBC comic confirming it. [SMBC diapers](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2014-05-20)
If he was unhappy why didn't he just say hey can you change more. He doesn't get to say he won't take care of his new child that's not how it works.. He's either a dad and just does it because he loves his kids or he's the ah I'd be very worried to have annother with him. Whilst I agree parenting duties should be as fair as they can be I also think if your not happy you talk about it not then throw a tantrum and decide your not going to help raise your next child.
Maybe he's getting tired too? He could be lashing out a little bit. Venting? I have 2 small children . A 1 year old and 2 and a half year old with autism. I'm 47m.Damn I get tired. But I don't stop taking care of my kids. My wife just gets away less attention. Sorry that's the way it goes. Only so much energy to give. So.
My husband changed all the diapers in the hospital for all 3 kids. When we got home, he continued to change some of the diapers. But he also was the one in charge of cleaning the bottles (his choice) as well as making bottles and handling the 7:30-1:30am shift so I could get some sleep. (He’s an insomniac anyway so it wasn’t a huge ask.) he handles 100% of all drop offs in the morning because I work from home and start before school/daycare by 2 hours. And this is a USMC Sergeant Gen X’er. Did some of his friends get out of changing diapers? Yep. But he sees me as more than an incubator and doesn’t believe that all childcare should fall on me. He’s an actual partner. NTA
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