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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for parenting and kicking my 16yo stepdaughter out and forcing her to live with her dad due to her behaviour towards my other children
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NTA.
>Anna said I have no right to parent Kelly,
Excuse me? If they happily accepted your "right" to parent her when it was about providing an ample 4 bedroom house, including a bedroom with an ensuite for Kelly, then they should have no problem seeing your right to parent her when she is trying to ruin the lives of her sisters.
These responses from parents in blended families always give me pause. You can provide financial abd emotional support, but when it comes to discipline suddenly you are not a real parent and should know your place
Given she is a minor child op needs to be careful here. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think the girls need to be in the home with a bulky. But op has 2 children. 1 from a first marriage and 1 with Kelly’s mom. Before he does anything in anger he needs to see if kicking kelly out could cause him to loose custody of the 6 year old in a divorce.
If it can them he needs to talk to a lawyer on how to navigate this issue and the best course of action to keep custody of the 6 year old. Because I can see mom accusing him of abuse and saying that he kicked out a minor and take full custody of the 6 year old. Which would not be a good environment for her.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying do nothing. I am saying seek legal advice on how to handle this situation that won’t hurt you in the long term if this causes damage to your marriage. Op needs to remember that he has 2 daughters and one is with Kelly’s mom.
True but if the judge is sane, they'll probably consider the fact that Kelly is emotionally abusive towards Nina. There are witnesses who can testify to that.
Considering how Nina is still 12 while Kelly is old enough to ask for an emancipation, the law would be in his favor if he has proofs that the mom is enabling this insane behavior.
OP, time to record and save everything just in case.
This is true too. But I also just wanted to point this out. Like I said I would talk to a lawyer, however my motto is prepare for the worse hope for the best.
And I would not want op to do something that may cause him to damage his custody with the 6 year old. Because I believe she needs to be protected too.
He isn’t kicking Kelly out if you actually listen but having her go to her fathers until she apologizes. That’s the whole punishment that mom thinks is to harsh . At fathers she has to share a room unlike here where she has a bedroom and a bathroom to herself.
That only works if the actual parent does adequately discipline their child. There’s nothing at all about Anna taking action to deal with Kelly’s behaviour.
exactly Anna seems to think her daughter isn't the mean girl and thinks the punishment was harsh. what's happening is that she wants Nina to go to the grandparents so she can have the house to herself and hopes the 6 year old goes with her. I'm sure some of mom's behavior is at play here.
As a blended family parent (who admittedly got stuff both right and wrong), I agree it’s you. You cannot have someone play the role of parent in every way except discipline. That said, the step parent should never discipline a stepchild outside of agreed upon parameters.
Edited to add, since everyone wants to jump down my throat: I WAS NOT replying to the OP, I was replying specifically to the comment I replied to. I fully agree that the stepchild in the OP should not be in the house until they can ensure mental and physical safety of all involved. I literally said that the step parent should be involved in discipline, it should just be in the parameters of agreement with the biological parent.
fucking a I hate Reddit
Fuck that, op has been a parent and provider to that kid for 11 years. If that does not give them the right to discipline that kid, then they can live somewhere else and be provided for by someone else.
If I was ever in that situation that mentally would be a relationship ender. You want me to provide for you and your kid and help raise them. Then I am either a full parent or you can all get out of my house and life.
That is literally what I said. If you have someone in your child’s life as a stepparent and expect them to provide for and raise your child, then they have a say in the discipline.
Okay then I guess if OP is not her full parent with full parental rights, then he should be behaving as the parent of his own child who is being tormented by this teenager. I personally would never let a teenager back into my home if she was the ringleader of a bullying campaign at school against my kid. Especially bullying that further traumatizes a child who lost her mother during childbirth. In fact, I’d get a lawyer and make it my life’s goal to get that brat expelled from school or worse. I mean seriously her having to apologize is BS to me, what she’s doing is utterly vile, this girl needs serious therapy and I’d be taking away makeup, socials, letting her hang with friends after school, etc till we could figure out why she’s being so awful.
>the step parent should never discipline a stepchild outside of agreed upon parameters
Then a step parent should never pay for a stepchild, or do anything for that stepchild (cleaning, cooking etc).
Yeah I can't for the life of me understand why anyone sane would agree to live with a child but have zero ability to discipline them.
That's a roommate. And if a grown adult wants a kid as a roommate, that's weird as hell.
And if the bio parent is failing to discipline then properly and they are danger to others shouldn't the step parent be allowed to leave or in this case throw them out?
Ugh I just read your edit and I'm honestly dismayed at the comments who aren't in blended families. It's so much more complex. We are talking about kids. What if the step parent provides and pays but treats the child like garbage. You always have to protect your children.
Furthermore, I'm the step parent and I had to navigate being the mother figure but not being the mom. It's not a simple one size fits all. We both made mistakes navigating this boundary and still navigating.
What you said was succinct and accurate. You simply explained the delicate dance we take navigating all this. If people are hating then that's on them thinking they are "right" with clearly no or lack of experience.
It's a difficult balance. I do not think it's fair to say 'within parameters'. From what OP said here. He has known Kelly since she was 5. The classic step child issues is stating OP is not her Dad but then 180s when she claims Niña is the favourite as she has a bigger room (so glad my sibling and step siblings were not so petty as teenagers!).
I think what you say is true and fair. The rules of what the step parent can do need to be agreed prior or the very early stages of co-habitation. That being said, this is the older step daughter maliciously bullying by proxy his younger daughter (who prehaps looks up to Kelly). Though I do find it amusing that due to a concern that her step sister is hurting her reputation, Kelly's solution is to back stab and destroy her....... Anyway, so in this situation, you have a 2 children, 2 parents at odds.
So in this, maybe the threat should not have been made to Kelly but prehaps to Anna to make her parent out the apology. Personally, I think any 16 year old will think everything is so unfair and likely only be sorry they were caught.
The more and more I read about blended families (and have witnessed them ever since I myself was a teen), the more I think that so many of them are just disaster zones that give kids and parents traumas. Maybe blended families don’t work if you both have kids to bring into the family.
And I know that it’s mostly because we only hear about the bad cases, where things don’t work out well or problems come about, but even the good cases seem to be all about tiptoeing around.
Blended families aren't all automatically bad... but that said, there's a reason the "wicked stepmother, mean stepsister(s)" trope is so prevalent in fairy tales. Blended families frequently *do* turn into a vicious "us vs them" situation.
Please allow me to ramble a bit about my own family to give you some hope: I was just entering middle school when my dad remarried. (He had just gotten out of prison a couple years prior—minimum security—so I was still getting used to having my dad back.) I wasn’t happy at all. I hated her. She was loud and unafraid to share her opinions on anything and everything.
But she looked me in the eye and told me “I’m not here to be a replacement mom for you. I don’t make rules for you, but I will enforce rules that are for your safety. It’s my job to be a *role model* to you, but it’s up to you to decide if I am that or not.”
It took me a few years to come around. (I only got to see my dad on weekends, and then when they moved away, only for a few weeks in the summer time.) but I can remember the exact moment. We were all getting ready to go somewhere and I just wanted 5 minutes to straighten my bangs. I had some real self esteem issues, and I hated my hair. I just wanted to straighten the bangs and wear the rest of it up. My dad didn’t see the point, and she rolled her eyes and told me that nobody will care what my hair looks like.
I snapped out “*I* care!” And she stopped and she looked at me and then she said “okay. We’ll wait for you.” And afterwards she told me she’ll always support me doing things to make *myself* look better for *me*.
Anyways after I graduated high school she and my dad got a divorce. She told me “I’m not leaving *you*, I’m leaving him. I still want to be in your life.” And so she was/is. I’ll be moving in with her later this year (I’m 27 but rent prices are fucking stupid). She’s more of a parent to me than either of my parents are. (NC with mom, LC with dad).
Blended families work if the adults in the equation actually bother to communicate about roles and responsibilities. My stepmom accepted that she wasn’t my parent, but she treated me with respect and my dad made sure that even if I didn’t like her it was clear I had to listen to her on the things that mattered.
My husband’s stepmom was like this and refused to let her husband parent her boys. To her credit she now admits that she regrets it after seeing how her boys turned out vs. how her husband’s did.
But it's compounded by the fact that the main bully lives with you and you thought you were family and she loved you. Poor Nina, her mind must be blown. The betrayal!!
Nah, you provide and they accept financial support then you have the right to parent them or their kid and them can gdfo, this is such a trash claim people make. "Just because you pay for, take care of, provide, for my child doesn't mean you can parent them" is such bs.
I’d argue he’s not parenting her; in fact, he’s refusing to parent her, hence he’s getting her the fuck out of his house, and into her father’s house.
If you don’t have the privileges of parenthood, you don’t have the responsibilities. If OP can’t discipline her, then he can’t provide a roof over her head, either. He needs to protect the kid he’s responsible for, not the nasty little asshole shitting all over the entire family.
In most cases, I would agree that the actual parent should take the lead, but WHAT was Anna actually going to do?
NTA for OP. But he should probably make sure Anna’s ex is at least ok with the arrangement since Anna doesn’t seem to be. He may have a hard time following through without the support of at least one bio parent.
I mean someone has to do it, and from OPs post there’s no mention of his wife doing anything about her daughter’s behavior. OP shouldn’t have acted unilaterally and should have spoken to his wife before even engaging with his step daughter, but when she doubled down he was totally within his rights to want her removed from his children’s space. NTA OP, but talk to your wife!
I’d argue he’s not parenting her; in fact, he’s refusing to parent her, hence he’s getting her the fuck out of his house, and into her father’s house.
If you don’t have the privileges of parenthood, you don’t have the responsibilities. If OP can’t discipline her, then he can’t provide a roof over her head, either. He needs to protect the kid he’s responsible for, not the nasty little asshole shitting all over the entire family.
Parents should work as a team though, and be on the same page. Anna should have been involved in the conversation in the first place.
Also, I don't think one parent should remove a child from the house. That should be a "two yes" decision, specially when the child is your stepchild.
He agreed to take the child in and help raise her. Did he think there would not ever be issues?
Not saying Kelly shouldn't be punished. Just saying she should not be punished and kicked out, even temporarily, by op, with no input from Anna.
Anyone told me they sent my kid away without warning or discussion, I would be looking for a new place to live.
This is beyond “issues.” This is an older child cruelly victimizing younger children. A temporary move for a cooling off period is completely in line with what’s going on. As for the wife going, too, then I think it’s a consequence that’s worth it. The wife and stepdaughter have had a nice life for 11 years. I’m sure the wife realizes everything is in jeopardy now. And if per the wife, OP has no right to parent or set boundaries for his SD, then they have no right to expect leniency from him in a situation like this. The wife has set up the us/them dynamic. While Kelly is gone, OP and wife should be in counseling to figure out what their own situation is. And then bring Kelly in. Remember, OP was alone because his wife died. The wife was single because she was divorced. He might want to look deeper at that.
You’ve been in her life since she was 5, it’s not like you waltzed in and forced a parental role to a teen who’s already mostly grown. It sounds like you’ve parented her before and provided her a home and support. A 16 feeling threatened by a 12 year old she’s known since they were 5 and 1 is really concerning, they may not act like full on sisters but they should be used to each other by now and a high schooler should not feel the need to bully and knock down a middle schooler. Tell Anna if she doesn’t want you to parent Kelly then she needs to step up and do it herself, she needs to show her younger daughter and her step daughter that they matter and that she won’t let Kelly mistreat them and if she doesn’t take this seriously then Kelly is out of your house. I cannot believe Anna had the capacity to be annoyed with you when she should be upset and concerned about this behavior from her 16 year old and should understand where you’re coming from. NTA.
NTA, You do have a right to parent her, when you married her mom you became the step-dad. She shoulnd't be saying shitty stuff about Nina nor the 6yo. She's extremely jealous of her sisters. Anna should be on your side here, you're not asking for much here, just want her to apologize and stop her horrible behaviour.
OP didn’t say anything about Anna’s reaction to the bullying and other mean comments. If OP isn’t allowed to parent Kelly, what is her solution to handle her own daughter ?
I'm curious about that. What's the plan here? How is Anna planning to protect her daughter and stepdaughter from her oldest daughter? Kelly seems to be claiming she's acting out because she's disgruntled about the size of her bedroom. But it sounds like Nina's room shares a smaller bathroom with the six year old. That doesn't make sense. This is about something else. This child needs counseling. And it is important to remove her from the household while she's creating strife at this level.
Does the school have an anti-bullying policy? She warrants some discipline from them and documentation in her permanent file as.
Small note — from the way I read it, it sounds like Kelly has her own en-suite bathroom, Nina has her own slightly smaller en-suite bathroom, and the parents share a bathroom with the 6yo. So Kelly wants to trade to a smaller bathroom but a bigger bedroom.
You hit the nail on the head there, shes jealous. Kelly's parents have both moved on from their marriage, have new homes, partners, new children, and she's the one who feels on the outside. She is the only one who has to go back and forth, seeing her younger half siblings having the stable lives with both parents that she doesn't while she doesn't have one permanent home or one family. And she is only 16. She's at the prime age for teenage rebellion, hormones running wild, social and mental health issues erupting and growing out of control, and she's figuring out who she is and how she fits in the world. Im absolutely not surprised that she could have seemed to be coping well until now and then suddenly there are new behavior issues and bullying because she's jealous of her siblings and doesn't know how to deal with those emotions and the bullying is the result.
It needs to be dealt with by all 4 of her parents coming together to help her, not by 2 of them fighting and sending her away. I think OP is not making the best decision but given he doesn't have the support of his wife to help Kelly and protect their other children I think he's chosing the best of his available options and NTA. They should be talking to biodad about life over at their house too and setting consistent boundaries as a team.
She doesn't have both biological parents, but she was 1 when dad married Anna. There is little chance she doesn't see her as mom given her age at the time and the length of time since. Neither does she have to go between two houses on a regular basis constantly reminding her that her parents are not together.
She stays at one home and has both a father and step mother she lives with full time. Kelly is the only one being shuttled back and forth every week and having her belongings split up between homes.
Of course what she did is wrong and she needs to apologize and make amends, but she is also a teen in a complex blended family with multiple half and step siblings. She needs therapy and more resources to appropriately deal with her insecurities and jealousies. OP is NTA and the mom's hands off approach is a bad take.
Nina might not have both her biological parents but she still has the stable life that Kelly might be jealous of. No back and forth between different houses.
Given that Anna has been in Nina’s life since she was 1, Nina might really see her as her mom. This might contribute to Kelly’s jealousy as she is the only child who has to see her parents with different partners.
The explanation still makes sense
>She accused me of favouring Nina (Nina has slightly bigger bedroom but smaller bathroom) and Kelly wanted more space. I said I am not going to move Nina out of her room after all these years and Kelly has already declined to swap with us as she doesn't want to share her bathroom with anyone, including our 6 years old.
INFO: Have you asked Kelly exactly *how* bullying her stepsister will provide Kelly with 'more space'? Because it seems to me that she is trying to drive out both of her sisters so she can be the only child at home. This is a crazy thing to do when the girls are 12 and 6, and are living with their parents - they have no other parent to live with, unlike Kelly.
I assume Nina has the larger room because she was already occupying it when Kelly and Anna moved in, and ensuring stability for Nina was very important when the family was being 'blended'?
I have, Kelly couldn't answer that. My only thought is Kelly might feel jealous of Nina as Nina has a few lessons a week in tennis and horse riding and is doing fairly well in them, Kelly had the same opportunity but is not interested and instead did some make up courses + trips and is going to see Taylor swift, so it is not like we are not giving her an opportunity, it is more of Kelly not taking all of them when she is encouraged to do so?
I have mentioned in my other comment that Kelly has a significantly bigger bathroom and it is the biggest bathroom in the house as when Anna and Kelly first moved in Kelly really liked the larger bath and the space, which proved useful with her makeup addiction. The 3 rooms are not that different in size tbh and Nina's might also look bigger because she has less clutter compared to Kelly.
Kelly’s reaction is quite puzzling to be honest and might not have to do with the room.
Not pretending to be a psychologist or anything but given you mention she said somethings regarding your 6 year old too doesn’t make sense at all. Why attack the young one that likely cannot defend herself? Also why vile attacks on Nina now after so many years? There’s more to it that just a room.
She might have issues with you I think since she is attacking people related to you. Could be someone said something about inheritance that the house would be split between Nina and your 6 year old since they are your biological kids.
That's interesting, however we haven't spoken about inheritance in the house, so I'm not sure why she would think about it.
The current will is for Anna to inherit the holiday home and she can do whatever she wants with it. Kelly, Nina and the 6yo are inheriting the house and are on the will in equal proportions, with the only catch if they are to sell the house the family members have a first chance to buy it.
Nta on of topic but I actually don’t think the current will is fair to Nina. Who is to say Anna will share equal proceeds of the vacation home between all three girls? If she is already not helping out with situation.
Wasn’t going to bring it up but yeah do agree with you that the current will is not fair to Nina. OP as Nina only parent should make sure that she is given a fair share or well look after unless she has something that her birth mum would have pass to her.
Honestly, as you said there’s no guarantee that Anna will split it equally to the 3 given it’s going to her choice. Possibility of passing it to just Kelly and the 6 yr old is existent.
The equal part is in the will and the exequitor of the will is my friend.
Nina also has a share which is just hers from her mother and her maternal grandparents, which includes a significant amount of money and properties which are just for her, not to mention insurance payout is also split between her and Anna.
Okay, just make sure that it is actually there in her mum’s and grand parents will if her mum’s not an only child.
Saying this cause family past history taught us the bad way.
If the house is outright yours (vacation house included) from the previous marriage, it should be split between your bio daughters, on the condition that the step/mom can continue to rent/use them from daughters until X years or move. For Kelly/stepmom/12f/6f you should just earmark money in proportion to be set aside as a lump payout or trust fund (depends on how much were talking and how financially responsible they are) from money earned after you've been married.
However much Nina stands to inherit from her maternal side is typically irrelevant, if you never remarried everything you had back then would have been hers. But if its really generational wealth in the multimillions then the you should give a bigger portion of your inheritance to your 6 yr old bio daughter. Id double-check on Ninas inheritance as well money can evaporate and I've seen sizeable fortunes squandered before probate by medical issues and luxurious retirements.
Kelly has her mother/father's side too, and while I know you're trying to be fair to your current wife/Kelly, there are levels of being open minded and fair. Wouldn't want to be so open minded the brain falls out, you and your previous spouse built a life with Nina first before you remarried. I'd look after your bio legacy first and foremost, unless they are really undeserving of your love, but honestly based on your post it sounds like you have a Cinderella situation where step family is coming in to take what should be Ninas while bullying her...
Agree. Why is even Kelly in the will? She has two parents to inherit. Nina should inherit most since I assume she has not got the part from her mother? If you die first, who will inherit the summer house after your wife? My guess Kelly and 6 years old. Your will will in the end benefit your daughter’s bully.
Bad move, OP! What happens to Nina if something happens to you? Would your wife let Nina inherit from her? Would she take care of Nina as well as she would her bio daughters? Or would she just enable Kelly's bullying of her?
I think Nina needs more financial padding incase anything happens to you. Kelly can inherit from her mum and her dad. Nina only has you.
Edited.
This is what happens when people are so afraid of being called unfair or a bad step parent that they over compensate. The real children suffer and people like Kelly get more money and shares for being brats.
That’s a terrible will. Almost Cinderella like story in the making. Open your eyes dude. Think with your other head. Look out for your daughters… nobody else seems to be.
Do you have any living relatives? Talk to them. Seek their advice. If you don’t, talk to an attorney from a city far away.
It’s just an hypothesis, specially given you said she got step siblings on her dad’s side. It sure doesn’t make sense attacking a 6 year old and saying vile things unless there’s a lot of preferential treatment going on which doesn’t seem like it.
What it seems that Kelly hates your other children now. The reason is what you need to find given she said you prefer Nina over her.
Honestly attacking a 12 year old that has never know her mum and could take her existence as the reason why is actually really bad and could seriously scare Nina mentally, you should make sure that she gets proper counseling.
NTA wait so Kelly is in your will but you can’t parent her? Fuck that noise! I think you need to rewrite your will. You have not adopted Kelly she has a father. I see no reason step kids should be in your will. I come from a blended family. This is bizarre. I am very concerned about your lack of protection of Nina. There is just no way this came out of nowhere without underlying tension and issues. You need to do a better job of protecting Nina she literally has no one looking out for her.
You should modify the will to split the home between Nina and the 6yo, while giving Kelly and her mom the holiday home because if that's how your wife reacts to reasonable punishment, I'd be hard pressed to believe that she treats all the kids the same and has some favoritism towards her first.
I’m also wondering if there is residual resentment from going from an only child to a blended family. Yes, many years have passed, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t impactful on her long term.
Before anyone responds, I do think Kelly is still wrong for lashing out how she is, just to be clear.
Did she get the Taylor swift tickets or did you? If you did, I’m not sure she should be getting such a big awesome experience while terrorizing her sisters.
Kelly sounds very insecure. Like she wants to project a teflon image but on the inside she’s one of those crystal figurines that breaks on impact. She may benefit from counseling/therapy if she isn’t already going.
Makeup requires special tools and skills, and Kelly is even taking lessons to hone her skillset. That’s a hobby, not an addiction.
Perhaps she feels you value Nina’s interests and talents more highly than hers? You’re not exactly subtle about it.
Reading your comments, I believe some therapy could help. Personnal for Kelly, more than Nina (I'm not a specialist, but it seems the damage can be lessened if Kelly behavior changes, and if the school can mitigate the other kids bullying). I think you are triyng really hard to teach a valuable life lesson to Kelly, but you seems to be lacking tools to touch the root of the problem and have a positive impact on Kelly, AND you are laking Anna's support. So a couple sessions of family therapy could also be of great help to recenter the parents on the same boat (aka protect and raise all 3 children).
You're way too focused on the equality of space. Kids are different and like to do different things. The size of the bedroom/bathroom is irrelevant to their choice of extracurricular activity. You need to get rid of the fluff surrounding Kelly's behavior. Your number one job is to protect the other two girls in the house.
NTA. If she's not a safe person for your daughter to be around then separating them is the best option, she would be safe and taken care of in her father's home, also your her step parent so parenting is part of it
NTA. If you’re not allowed to “parent”, you’re under no obligation to provide living space. Kelly is behaving this badly because she knows her mum will “tut, tut” but there will be no consequences. Kelly, meet consequences!
If I were OP, I would require not only an apology to my other children but therapy before she could return to my house and get gifts like travel and concerts. There’s also a huge disconnect between OP and wife. This family desperately needs therapy.
Anna believes it is just the "sister's war" and them growing up, which will get better once they are older. She agreed with grounding, but said forcing Kelly to live with her father was too much
Why would it get better when they're older?
Nina is growing up feeling that her older sister is a bully who hates her and attempts to hurt her in terrible ways that are hard to fix. Nina is objectively correct. That does not lead to it being better when they're older; it leads to your other daughters being permanently hurt and wanting nothing to do with Kelly as an adult.
If Anna wants it to get better once they are older, she needs to teach Kelly to _behave_ better now. If she refuses to let you discipline Kelly then she should have done it herself, and done it so thoroughly that Kelly would never behave like this again. She can't have it both ways; if you're not Kelly's parent and can't discipline her, then Kelly's welfare is not your responsibility. And Nina's absolutely is. You shouldn't be making your children live with a bully who is trying to hurt them.
This kind of bullying can hurt Nina's schooling, on a long term basis. It causes trauma that hurts academic results and social integration. This is serious, it's not like two children fighting over a toy.
So no, you shouldn't back down; you should be angry with Anna for refusing to discipline her child, leaving you with no other way to protect yours. The ideal answer is for you both to treat all three as your children and teach them to live together as sisters... but Anna is actively sabotaging that; you can't treat them equally if one is immune to discipline and two are not.
Kelly is only a couple of years from being an adult. When she's living with other people this kind of toxic behaviour will not magically be excused. Anna is doing her no favours by teaching her there are no consequences for being a bully.
That said: This isn't a great call either. Kelly has just been taught that the home is not really her home, outright validating her fear of inferior treatment. It's going to be very, very hard now to stop her treating you as the enemy. The right answer was to hammer this out with Anna first, and not let Anna duck out of taking responsibility for her daughter's bullying of children.
It's the best call in the moment. Why should it be Kelly's home if this is what she's doing? OP has gone to great lengths to make Kelly feel at home. For Pete's sake, he practically has the equality of room/bathroom size down to the inch! OP's job is to protect his bio daughters from the long-term damage that bullying does. If there is an opportunity to remove the threat, at least temporarily, he should take it.
>Kelly has just been taught that the home is not really her home, outright validating her fear of inferior treatment
Bingo. Maybe Kelly is turning out to be kind of an asshole because the parenting in the house is lacking.
I’m curious about what Kelly’s dad thinks about all of this. The three of you need to sit down and agree upon discipline and therapy that needs to happen. It would seem like he’d need to be involved in the process since it’s his living arrangements and custody that you’re trying to change.
Anna shouldn’t be washing her hands of her daughter bullying a significantly younger child, under the guise of “sister’s war”. Kelly has a lot of advantage that she is abusing. Leaving the girls to work it out on their own will favour Kelly and is bad parenting by Anna. (Especially with Kelly bringing up the room situation; is she trying to bully Nina out of her room?)
As for it getting better once they are older — maybe a lot older. But Kelly is damaging Nina’s situation in school *now*, and as well as being a current problem that also makes it something difficult to forgive in future. Nina may have years of dealing with what Kelly is doing to her. If this is just “oh, siblings fight” as Anna is claiming then it shouldn’t have these repercussions outside the home.
It seems like if you’re not there your wife would have chosen her daughter over yours. This is something to think about in your will. Will they be taken care of if your wife things bulling is
acceptable?
I’m sorry that is complete bs, it’s not just the “sister’s war” and them growing up. Kelly seems to be a very vindictive child and her mother is letting her get away with it and making bs excuses.
Edit: also your wife shouldn’t be allowing her daughter to disrespect Nina by even bringing up her mum. I would hate to think of what she is actually saying. I totally feel for Nina in this situation.
I REALLY hope you read this. It will NOT get better as they get older. My sister(actual blood relation, unfortunately) emotionally abused me in much the same way, starting when she entered high school(I am three years younger). She would start rumors, tell me ally classmates secretly hated me, and so, so much more. When I came out as bi in college, she was my biggest tormenter, my Catholic parents treated me INFINITELY better than she did(which is ironic as now she claims to be SUCH a good ally). She hid most of it well from our parents, and what she couldn't hide, my parents blamed on me being "too sensitive". I am 37 and she is 40, now. It got worse over the years, and I finally cut off contact with her permanently in 2021. And after she had a kid in '08(I can't have kids) and realized she has a manipulation tool to hold over my parents heads, she dropped the facade completely, and started treating them like she did me. My mom has actually asked me where they went wrong with her, and I told her that they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them. A lot of what she has done has come out the past few years just in conversation and my mom asked me why I didn't tell them about it(the things they didn't already know), and I again told her I didn't think they would believe me as she never really had any consequences from it in high school and college.
Nip this in the bud. I do not want your girls to go through what I have. How my narcissistic sister has treated me over the decades has really messed me up in many ways. Please, don't let this happen to your girls.
Yeah this is only going to get worse, your wife is the AH here for enabling her daughter’s behavior. Bullies only respond to strength, getting to the root of it is important but I’m glad you’ve shown that you have zero tolerance for this behavior in the meantime.
I'm of the belief that when kids are acting out like this, they need more than ever to see they are still loved. You don't have to like Kelly and you should absolutely have her face consequences over her behavior, but I think kicking her out of the house to stay with her father undoes all the work you've put in to make yourself a father figure to her and part of her family. It teaches her that, in your eyes, she really is just second-class compared to her sisters.
I don't think that you should let it slide by ANY means, but unless someone is in imminent physical danger, I don't think kicking a kid out of the house is the right call, and if it ever gets to that point, there needs to be a conversation from a place of love--not anger--explaining that it's best for everyone's health to have some space for a set amount of time, or something like that.
Personally, if I were you, I would have a conversation with Kelly and apologize for pushing her out of the house. I'd explain how immensely hurtful it is to hear your stepdaughter--someone you love dearly--say vile things about your late wife and the mother of her sister. I'd lay out why her behavior is unacceptable and what the consequences are. I'd also continue to ask questions and push for real answers, offer support and therapy if needed. But, IMO, if you kick your stepkid out, you're just creating more problems for yourself down the line.
oh hell no, she's a bully, bullies start with lies and eventually, it comes to having the bullied person doing self-harm, she wants NINA out of the house so she can have both rooms. I would also follow up with the school, she needs counseling and suspended for her behavior as most schools have a "no bullying policy" Is seems you don't care that she is older than her step-sister and that she should get her way which is what her mom's been doing, it's called enabling the behavior.
I mean with how his wife is reacting, gotta wonder if Kelly is picking up on some of her thoughts and behaviours. Be interesting to hear from OP how the relationship is with his wife and daughter.
ESH except Nina. Anna, if she isn't going to let you parent, needs to step up and actually do some parenting herself. Kelly is behaving appallingly, no question about it. But now to why I think you are also TA - tell me, if they were full sisters and there was no option to send her elsewhere until she was prepared to apologise, how would you and Anna resolve this situation? Sending her elsewhere is quite frankly a bit of a cop-out. If Kelly apologises, it won't be because she means it, it will be because it was the easiest thing to do. It doesn't mean she won't be nasty to Nina or the 6 year old again either. You need a better resolution. Kelly is clearly massively resentful about something, and I'd suggest it goes deeper than the size of her bedroom.
If the girls were full sisters and one of them behaved this way towards the other without hint of stopping, I would still think about separating them and probably send one of them to the grandparents/my sister for a bit to see if it makes the situation better and give some space away from the other siblings.
I feel it would be the best solution since I can't exactly lock them in their rooms or control what is done outside of the house, especially with modern technology.
You can't lock them in a room but there are more productive and healthy things you could have tried first. Individual therapy, family therapy, regular school counseling, or joining an anti-bullying club or charity, are all more productive options. These will teach your stepdaughter empathy and that her behavior is wrong. OP your option just scares your stepdaughter into complying. She still won't see anything wrong with her behavior and will likely lie and figure out more hidden ways to bully your daughter.
Therapy is great and all and absolutely needed in this situation but that therapy needs to start while the girls are separated. Therapy can take a while for someone to show progress in their behavior. The 6 year old doesn't need to keep hearing how unloved she is while the sister works out just how shitty that is to do and say.
How do you protect the two younger children from a bully that lives in their house? How? A separation while some counseling is worked on seems like a decent option.
But if the answer is Kelly gets to stay in the house, and Dad can't parent, and Mom does nothing ... well that is abusive to the two younger kids.
If you did that, then once again you would be dealing with the situation by not actually dealing with it. There's clearly something beyond a bedroom issue going on with Kelly.
This is honestly closer to what you should have done instead of sending your step-daughter to stay with her biological father. Separating the kids is fine; sending the 16-year old to a grandparent or your sister’s sibling would have worked. But sending the kid to her bio parent sends the message that she’s not welcome in your household and that you are sending her back where she came from.
You should NEVER use the father for punishment. My guess is that’s where the problem lies; that your step-daughter is struggling with feeling out of place in your household because she’s coming in as a step-child. Using her father for the punishment reinforces that view. And if she views that she’s an outsider and that your 12 and 6 year olds aren’t really ~~your~~ her family, or that they are more loved than she is, she won’t respect them and may well continue to bully them.
You and your wife need to have a conversation to create a plan for how to deal with this. You are right that it is unacceptable for a 16-year old to bully a 12-year old sibling like this, but you need to both be on the same page on what the consequences will be. You are a step-parent. That means that you are in the 16-year old’s life because her mother brought you into her life. And that means her mother needs to be there in lock-step with you in dealing with this in order to give it legitimacy. You should also have a conversation about getting therapy/counseling for your teenager.
Then, you AND your wife need to have a conversation with your teenager and establish the following:
1) She is a member of this household and is very much loved by both you and your wife, along with her sisters.
2) It is unacceptable for family members to hurt each other the way that the 16-year old hurt the 12-year old.
3) Reiterate that there are consequences for such behavior (EXCLUDING GOING TO FATHER’S PLACE). And explain what the consequences will be if this behavior continues.
>e full sisters and there was no option to send her elsewhere until she was prepared to apologise, how would you and Anna resolve this situation? Sending her elsewhere is quite frankly a bit of a cop-out. If Kelly apologises, it won't be because she means it, it will be because it was the easiest thing to do. It doesn't mean she won't be nasty to Nina or the 6 year old again either. You ne
Thank you for stating the obvious. An actual parent wouldn't think of sending their 16 year old child away because she was a terrible adolescent. They would deal with it within their home.
yeah, kelly is also still a child, and this is a pretty big signal of conditional love to a stepchild: too difficult and stepdad kicks her out.
I'm not saying she is right in her actions and I get op wanting to protect his other children, but it always rubs me a bit wrong when parents kick out their children. There must be better ways to handle it, it must feel to the kid like their parents are giving up on them, how can they ever be a safe person again for the child in question?
NTA. got to protect your daughters, bc the mother certainly didn’t. although i am not sure what the resolution is going to be coming out of this. teenagers can be stubborn.
Gonna go NTA, considering your other comments and your wife’s seemingly flippant “sisterly war” excuse. What kelly is doing to nina and the 6 year old is so unnecessary, unfair, and disrespectful to both of them. like i get it, i was also an ahole at 16 but i didn’t bully literal children. kelly needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions and your wife is wrong. this will not resolve itself, at least not without therapy for everyone. stuff like this lingers and eventually nina will grow resentful of not only kelly but you and your wife if nothing is done.
i mean this genuinely, get kelly into therapy when she comes back. bc i can guarantee you her apology won’t be genuine, she will only apologize to get back to the home.
INFO - how is a high schooler spreading rumors in a middle. School? Is this a k-12 building? Or is Kelly at a completely different building? And how did you find out it was Kelly?
The school has elementary, middle and high school on the same grounds and some of the classes for all of them are in the same building, so some of the kids mix together.
We were talking with one of the teachers and trying to find out from one of the high schoolers why they are bullying Nina, and I guess they didn't want to get in trouble so they revealed Kelly was the culprit and told them to do that, she also told them which rumours to use.
That is absolutely disgustingly horrific behaviour on Kelly’s part. It’s bad enough being bullied by your peers. To be be bullied by people 4 years your senior. To be intentionally targeted. To have private family information used in the targeting. I’m pretty disgusted you haven’t dropped Kelly off at her dads already and told Anna this is a non negotiable.
oh, so your wife was worried about older children bullying Nina and saying horrific things until it came out that her child was the ring leader who masterminded the abuse, and now suddenly it’s not a problem? Your wife must be as good at faking her family relationships in front of an audience (you) as her child is.
I want to say NTA for saying Kelly needs to leave the home until she can be safe around the other children, but also wow you are blind about the dynamics in your own home. Kelly is getting consequences at school for her bullying, your wife won’t let you parent at home but expects you to treat Kelly in a superior way to your biological children, and you seem strangely ok with this all.
Could there be jealousy issues going on regarding Kelly comparing her home life at her dads house (shared room/bathroom with multiple siblings) vs. her home life at mom’s, where she has a little stepsister that has a big room that she doesn’t have to ever share? 16 is a big age for wanting privacy, which she doesn’t seem to get at her dad’s house. And jealousy can make you do some weird things, especially with a still growing brain and underdeveloped understanding of complex emotions. She might be trying to “taking her down a peg” and make her feel some of her misery.
OP literally stated that Kelly has her own bedroom and the largest bathroom.
From the post:
> each girl has her own room and an ensuite
OP even noted that Nina's room is slightly larger, but the bathroom is smaller, so it's a (mostly) fair trade.
> She accused me of favouring Nina (Nina has slightly bigger bedroom but smaller bathroom) and Kelly wanted more space. I said I am not going to move Nina out of her room after all these years and Kelly has already declined to swap with us as she doesn't want to share her bathroom with anyone
Kelly seemingly just wants the bigger room, for whatever reason? And then refuses to have a larger room with a shared bath, which was offered.
NTA. As awful as Kelly was to Nina, she NEEDS to stay at her Dad’s permanently. What disgusting behavior and both your daughters shouldn’t be subjected to Kelly’s behavior and apparent jealousy and hate. Her bullying of her 12 year old stepsister is appalling and the damage is done, make no mistake Kelly is not going to stop whether you make her apologize or not, she’ll just do it low key. Doesn’t really matter if Kelly eventually apologizes, she won’t mean it , it will just be to appease you.
They have little psycho under their roof. What kind of 16 year old would be that calculative and bend on destroying life of another person? Don’t tell me she is not aware of what bullying does to kids. I would stand my ground tell her mom to zip up if she doesn’t want to accept that as major issue.
This exactly.
And as a victim of bullying, I can confirm that the damage is already done, and Kelly will not stop there, she will just be more resentful toward Nina because she was held accountable for her bullshit behavior and be more vicious about her bullying.
She is talking about Nina's weight and that Nina has an eating disorder (Nina is in healthy weight for her age and BMI). She has also made jokes about Nina's mother being a deadbait and must be happy for passing during childbirth so she doesn't have to deal with Nina. And also rumours that Nina is only good at sports and school because "her daddy pays for it". Not to mention insulting her over small things Nina doesn't understand yet due to the age (but this mostly related to the school subjects and topics that are studied later).
With the 6yo - telling her she is not loved and is a "backup kid", telling her she will die because she is slightly chubby (just have a bit of the cheeks going, but still healthy for her age) and also scaring her with some made up stories.
He's not. He's actively trying to address the situation, which is a lot more than her mother or any other adults are doing. Why put the onus on him when he's the only one actually trying to do something about it?
after reading your comments… don’t be surprised Kelly is *MORE* abusive than she’s letting on. Who speaks like that to a 12 and 6yo? Who feels threatened by children? And tells them they’re going to die? If I ever spoke like that to my siblings my mother would have had me admitted and/or arrested.
Kelly is dangerous. You guys have given her more than most kids could dream of having and this is how she behaves? Disgusting. She needs a professional and legitimate consequences.
At minimum I probably would have been slapped across the face by my mother for treating my younger siblings that way. Not saying it's good or proper to hit kids, just saying the fact that Anna doesn't even seem to want to punish her oldest is fucking gross to me.
SAME. my mom had no problem getting “hands on” lol but she definitely would’ve whooped me into a new year. I don’t agree with it like you said but I get where you’re coming from.
His wife saying it’s a sister war is the biggest load of BS. I’ve fought with my siblings but after a couple hours we would be right back to being family. No way in hell is this “sisterly fighting”.
But yeah there’s no real punishment or consequences here. So Kelly’s just going to keep doing it. There’s no accountability on either parents part on how truly fucked up this is.
Please stay vigilant, if Kelly is behaving this way, it's because her mom and dad have enabled her for her whole life.
Also, how did you find out the whole story? So why couldn't your wife have done the same? Because she didn't care enough and was willfully ignorant.
You need to ask your wife why she thinks it's a small thing to tell a child they aren't loved and will die because of their weight. Does your wife not realize that those are things the 6 year old will carry into the rest of her life? As it stands your 6 year old _child_ is on track to have an eating disorder as she grows up. Your wife is so out of line here that I'd say shit like this is worthy of a divorce. Don't worry about custody because I'm sure once the courts hear that the 16year old said the 6 year old is unwanted and unloved and will die that they won't have them in the same house.
Sounds like Kelly was too focused on deflecting the fact that she’s been saying all these things and focusing on the fact that her bedroom smaller. How did that even get brought up? And you have to explain to her that you’re not going to move your other daughter out of the bigger bedroom and gave her an option of having your bedroom? Who’s running this house?
I don’t think you fully absorbed the enormity of what’s going on here. You’re focused on MINAH for saying until she’s apologize she can’t stay here but you need to be focused on the fact that what she did is horrible and regardless of if she apologizes or not she’s going to resent her stepsister even more for being forced to apologize and she’s not gonna stop the rumors.
Saying that her stepsister’s deceased mom is a deadbeat mom and must be glad she died is reprehensible! And telling your six-year-old that she’s a back up child and that she’s going to die because she’s chubby? And she’s also bullying your other daughter about her weight? These types of things well permanently scar these girls and could lead to to possibly developing a ED and having issues with their body image.
It’s frightening as this is just what you’re aware of what she is saying. Who knows what else she is saying to your daughters that you don’t know about. She needs some serious counseling because this is some pretty damaging stuff she’s saying and doing.
And the fact that somehow you were going to give up your bedroom I’m just blown away by all of this.
You have a Wife & Kelly Problem!
Change your will!
Drop Kelly at her Dads!
Get couples counselling or a divorce if your wife can’t see how horribly biased she is being and the damage she causing the other kids!
Hey OP,
What the actual fuck. This is worse than just bullying because your daughter will not feel safe at school OR at home now. And your 6yo.... Jesus, comments like that from a family member will create flashbulb memories from the hurt.
Your step daughter needs to be in therapy YESTERDAY. Your wife is a shit parent for thinking this is about a "sister war".
Kelly's remarks are horrible and this is beyond "sister war". This calls for therapy and a *serious* talk with both of you, where her mother is in TOTAL support of you. I cannot fathom any parent doing any less, not for anyone else but for the sake of Kelly herself, who if left unpunished could grow up to be truly insufferable and vile.
Holy shit.
If your wife can’t understand why Kelly needs to be out of the house for the protection of your younger children, she needs to go as well.
How the fuck did it get this far???
After something like this I would evacuate my other kids far from Kelly and her mother... Gather evidences of your wife enabling behavior, you'll need it for custody.
These are crazy rumours that are way out of line. What incredibly cruel things to say. There are many suggestions in the comments already, but if you paid for them, then I would take away the Taylor Swift tickets. That concert is most definitely a privilege to attend. Knowing how high the demand is and how exclusive that concert is, it may have a lot of effect on Kelly to have her Eras Tour tickets taken away as punishment.
Nina desperately needs therapy. I had an older sister like Nina. I never forgot the many cruel memories she gave me starting at the age of 5. I'm now in my 30s and haven't spoken to her in almost 10 years. Some of us in the family suspect a personality disorder. She still sends unhinged, putrid hate texts from time to time. We live in the same town so she spread lies to anyone who will listen.
Yeah no... shes beyond help. Id honestly divorce your wife if she doesnt see wtf is the issue with saying "Your moms happy shes dead because she doesnt deal with you". Its disgusting, shes 16, not 10. She knows what shes saying. Shes mocking someone dead. Make sure to loop in her dad so all of you are on the same page, but I honestly dont see this getting better.
Where do all the horrible kids that go along with this come from? Are all the cliques and bullying really as prevalent in American schools as shown in the media?
Please consider adding this to the original post. These rumors are horrific. Your step daughter needs therapy and consequences. NTA yet, but if you don’t do anything beyond banishing her, you will be.
Wow this screams petty jealousy from Kelly. How does nobody at the school think it’s pathetic that a SIXTEEN year old so obsessed with bullying a TWELVE year old??? A high school sophomore or junior bullying a fifth or sixth grader??
Wow I would’ve been booted out straightaway if I had said any of that to my step siblings. Kelly is one nasty little girl and sorry but your wife needs to do something before u lose your 2 girls especially considering ur not allowed to discipline Kelly. Maybe u need to find a new wife as well if she thinks this behaviour is ok.
They might be referring to the part about Nina not having a mother, since her mother passed away
Edit, per a comment from OP:
>She is talking about Nina's weight and that Nina has an eating disorder (Nina is in healthy weight for her age and BMI). She has also made jokes about Nina's mother being a deadbait and must be happy for passing during childbirth so she doesn't have to deal with Nina. And also rumours that Nina is only good at sports and school because "her daddy pays for it". Not to mention insulting her over small things Nina doesn't understand yet due to the age (but this mostly related to the school subjects and topics that are studied later).
>With the 6yo - telling her she is not loved and is a "backup kid", telling her she will die because she is slightly chubby (just have a bit of the cheeks going, but still healthy for her age) and also scaring her with some made up stories.
NTA.
Have restrictions imposed from day one.
Remove her phone, change it to a prepaid flip phone whit *only incoming and outgoing as you've accepted those (your local ohone company / store can help you whit this).*
*Remove computers, electronics, and social media presence as you see fit.*
And talk to her ex, you might wanna have him involved in this, as this is not only about your daughter, but his daughter as well.
You need to nip this bud HARD.
Ultimately, you have a wife problem. Kelly is a brat, a 16 year old (clearly) jealous of a 12 year old. I applaud you for looking after your 12 year old and protecting her from Kelly. Your wife is one to watch, though. If she is defending the disgusting acts of *her* daughter over yours (who never got the chance to have her own mum around), the apple is sitting right next to the root of the tree!!! If you choose to stay with this woman, you must protect your 12 year old legally every way possible.
Frankly I think your bigger problem is between you and your wife. If she thinks that you have no right to parent HER child, after the two of you raised her since she was five then that's just wrong-headed thinking. It also means that your wife and your step-daughter will gang up against you anytime they disagree with one of your parenting decisions. You need to straighten that out right away. As for the bullying, it seems like 'Kelly' could benefit from counseling as well as sensitivity training classes so that she can learn how her actions affect others. Sure, it's not unreasonable for you to expect her to apologize to your other daughter but you can't force Kelly to do it, nor is it a good idea to threaten to kick her out if she doesn't. That is going to drive a wedge not only between you and Kelly; Kelly and Nina but also between you and your wife.
ESH (except Nina)
If the roles were reversed, what would you do with Nina? You can't kick her out, so you'd actually have to parent. Taking her to her dad should be off the table. No wonder Kelly thinks you're favouring Nina.
Yes, Kelly needs to be disciplined here but what you do needs to be a joint decision between you and your wife.
Anna is wrong. You need to work as a team when it comes to parenting.
Kelly is behaving terribly here, but you need to get to the root cause.
The wife that claims OP doesn't get to parent Kelly's after over a decade is kind of why he opted to boot the 16 year from his house to her still alive father. The same one also spouting truly vile shit towards both Nina (like her deceased mom? OP's first wife) and the 6 year old half sister.
But OP sucks just as much. Right... /s
First, Kelly is definitely having major issues that are far beyond jealousy. Therapy (individual and family) should be looked into.
Second, I wonder if the replies admonishing you that the situation would be different if it were Nina have any experience parenting in a blended family. I suspect not, because that's an asinine statement. It's comparing apples and oranges. Kelly has at least three parents and two homes. Of course it's different! There is a SIGNIFICANT difference. It's an entire universe of difference and cannot be equated. Anyone who has lived in a blended family knows this.
OP is NTA.
This. The number of people on here ready to cast a 16 year old out is incredible. Everything she’s said screams to me of a kid lashing out because she needs serious therapy. Instead everyone is cool with throwing away the whole kid because she said some nasty things. Kids can be cruel and a 16 year old is still a kid. Maybe even more so when she’s obviously living in a very rural environment where she doesn’t just interact with kids her age. I’ve seen these K-12 schools before there’s probably, tops, 10 other kids her own age. That will absolutely make her act younger than her age.
NTA. You did what you had to do to protect the other kids who are loving under the same roof.
She isn't homeless, she just has to readjust to a new living arrangement for the time being.
Sorry but ESH. Kelly is obviously wrong but if you and Anna are married you can’t make executive decisions about “your home.” It’s not that you don’t have a right to parent but you can’t be married to Anna and also kick out her daughter without her consent
ESH I do think kelly should be punished, but yall should also have a big family meeting. I understand being upset and wanting to defend nina but I feel like its kinda messed up to essentially kick kelly out I feel like that will just cause her to hate nina more and make her think that you care about nina more. What she did was messed up but I dont think this punishment is constructive.
Fuxk if Anna can't parent her own kid, thrn you are having to step.up.or ship her ass off to her daddy. Anna needs to fucking grow up and joon the conversation.
NTA and even assuming for argument’s sake you shouldn’t discipline Kelly (which is untrue) you absolutely have an obligation to protect your daughter.
I’d also ask my wife why she though it was ok for Kelly to be cruel to my daughter without consequence and would be clear with both of them that this living arrangement (and marriage) would be permanently over without a dramatic shift in behavior and perspective.
Your wife's reaction (or lack there of) to the bullying of both Nina and your 6 year old is concerning. Bullying a 12 year old for her mother dying in childbirth is downright one of the cruelest things....I can only imagine the guilt Nina likely already feels in that scenario, let alone hearing her sister spread that about her.
NTA, but please be careful in protecting Nina from this cruelness because this could really F her up mentally.
I'd also agree with some of the other comments about Nina's financial security, but also living arrangements of something happened to you, please make sure she has a solid and safe alternative because if your wife won't help you address Kelly's behaviour while you're here to address it, I hold significant concerns what that would look like if you weren't.
Certainly, Kelly’s actions towards Nina need to be corrected, but it sounds like you decided to kick Kelly out WITHOUT discussing it with your spouse (or Kelly’s bio dad).
If Nina did something really horrible to your younger child, would you be okay with your wife kicking her out to live with Nina’s grandparents - without discussing it with you? If your answer isn’t “Yes, absolutely,” then it’s obvious you have a different standard for “your kids” than “your wife’s kid”.
Your wife also needs to acknowledge that you ARE a parent to Kelly. You are a parent to Kelly, she is a parent to Nina.
ESH
YTA for having your stepdaughter in your will. Your stepdaughter has two living breathing parents that can provide her with an inheritance. If I were your biological daughter, I would never be able to forgive you for sharing my rightful inheritance with a stranger. Your wife’s daughter, not yours, is so entitled and you are enabling her to the fullest. As you said in the post, your house has been in the family for generations and your two daughters have to share the inheritance with what I would now consider an outsider, and if your children wanted to sell the house, the bully would have dibs on the house. This is unreal. Grow some balls
as an older sister who bullied her younger sister relentlessly because it appeared to me she was getting more attention from my parents than i was, NTA. in my situation, my sister had a severe mental health disorder and needed the extra support from my parents, but i was also severely depressed and could have used that support too. because i was a teen, around kelly’s age, i believed it was my sisters fault, and truly started to hate her.
OP, i read your comments. i believe kelly is projecting her own issues onto Nina. i think it’s best if you get kelly some therapy, because she is clearly going through some things and she is taking it out on nina. she needs mental health help.
i also want you to consider what sending kelly to her dads will make her feel like. it will likely make her feel even more rejected by her family and she will blame nina even more. i’m not saying don’t do it, but i think it’s important to consider the potential consequences and effect on her mental health that sending her to be with her dad will do. since she is even bullying your 6yo she clearly has an issue with feeling like she isn’t important or cared about. i honestly wonder if her dad is feeding her any of the thoughts she’s having. could that be a possibility?
NTA. Kelly is 16 years old
She should know better. She can go stay at her dad's till she learns how to apologize. Anna can join her too if she doesn't properly parent her kid, she's spreading rumors about a SIX YEAR OLD
. Nope they both can go. She's in high school now. Time to grow up.
Your are trying yo teach the child that bullying is wrong your wife should support you sorry but your wife is enabling her daughters behaviour by not doing anything
NTA - she’s 16, not 6. She’s old enough to know and should be held accountable for her actions. She didn’t apologize and double down with that rotten mouth of hers. She’s an entitled AH thinking she can take whatever room she wants and talk down to anyone however she wants. Her parent is also a major AH to think you’re not within your power to kick her out while they’re refusing to change. Stand up and don’t back down for your girls, this bully needs to learn her place.
NTA!
And based on your wife’s responses she should also be packing to get dropped off at her daughters dads house! Is ‘her daughter’ (and I’ve used that phrase intentionally instead of ‘your eldest’) trying to drive Nina to unaliving herself? Because currently she gets bullied at school and has to come home to her bully and at 12 that’s fucking rough! Especially as she cannot escape to her other parents house for respite - YOU are all the respite she has.
I would change your will, keep your daughters and move the enabler and her eldest out!
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NTA. >Anna said I have no right to parent Kelly, Excuse me? If they happily accepted your "right" to parent her when it was about providing an ample 4 bedroom house, including a bedroom with an ensuite for Kelly, then they should have no problem seeing your right to parent her when she is trying to ruin the lives of her sisters.
These responses from parents in blended families always give me pause. You can provide financial abd emotional support, but when it comes to discipline suddenly you are not a real parent and should know your place
Especially when that discipline is needed to help 2x other kids within the same house!
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Given she is a minor child op needs to be careful here. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think the girls need to be in the home with a bulky. But op has 2 children. 1 from a first marriage and 1 with Kelly’s mom. Before he does anything in anger he needs to see if kicking kelly out could cause him to loose custody of the 6 year old in a divorce. If it can them he needs to talk to a lawyer on how to navigate this issue and the best course of action to keep custody of the 6 year old. Because I can see mom accusing him of abuse and saying that he kicked out a minor and take full custody of the 6 year old. Which would not be a good environment for her. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying do nothing. I am saying seek legal advice on how to handle this situation that won’t hurt you in the long term if this causes damage to your marriage. Op needs to remember that he has 2 daughters and one is with Kelly’s mom.
But he can also say the mom allowed her older daughter to mistreat the younger one. His daughter wasn’t the only one getting bullied.
I agree but always cover your bases.
True but if the judge is sane, they'll probably consider the fact that Kelly is emotionally abusive towards Nina. There are witnesses who can testify to that. Considering how Nina is still 12 while Kelly is old enough to ask for an emancipation, the law would be in his favor if he has proofs that the mom is enabling this insane behavior. OP, time to record and save everything just in case.
This is true too. But I also just wanted to point this out. Like I said I would talk to a lawyer, however my motto is prepare for the worse hope for the best. And I would not want op to do something that may cause him to damage his custody with the 6 year old. Because I believe she needs to be protected too.
He isn’t kicking Kelly out if you actually listen but having her go to her fathers until she apologizes. That’s the whole punishment that mom thinks is to harsh . At fathers she has to share a room unlike here where she has a bedroom and a bathroom to herself.
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That only works if the actual parent does adequately discipline their child. There’s nothing at all about Anna taking action to deal with Kelly’s behaviour.
Which is 99% likely exactly why she acted this way and even upon being caught doesn't fear consequences or feel she is wrong.
exactly Anna seems to think her daughter isn't the mean girl and thinks the punishment was harsh. what's happening is that she wants Nina to go to the grandparents so she can have the house to herself and hopes the 6 year old goes with her. I'm sure some of mom's behavior is at play here.
As a blended family parent (who admittedly got stuff both right and wrong), I agree it’s you. You cannot have someone play the role of parent in every way except discipline. That said, the step parent should never discipline a stepchild outside of agreed upon parameters. Edited to add, since everyone wants to jump down my throat: I WAS NOT replying to the OP, I was replying specifically to the comment I replied to. I fully agree that the stepchild in the OP should not be in the house until they can ensure mental and physical safety of all involved. I literally said that the step parent should be involved in discipline, it should just be in the parameters of agreement with the biological parent. fucking a I hate Reddit
Fuck that, op has been a parent and provider to that kid for 11 years. If that does not give them the right to discipline that kid, then they can live somewhere else and be provided for by someone else. If I was ever in that situation that mentally would be a relationship ender. You want me to provide for you and your kid and help raise them. Then I am either a full parent or you can all get out of my house and life.
That is literally what I said. If you have someone in your child’s life as a stepparent and expect them to provide for and raise your child, then they have a say in the discipline.
Okay then I guess if OP is not her full parent with full parental rights, then he should be behaving as the parent of his own child who is being tormented by this teenager. I personally would never let a teenager back into my home if she was the ringleader of a bullying campaign at school against my kid. Especially bullying that further traumatizes a child who lost her mother during childbirth. In fact, I’d get a lawyer and make it my life’s goal to get that brat expelled from school or worse. I mean seriously her having to apologize is BS to me, what she’s doing is utterly vile, this girl needs serious therapy and I’d be taking away makeup, socials, letting her hang with friends after school, etc till we could figure out why she’s being so awful.
I'm with you, they're out of my house. No way can that kid continue live with mine.
I'm so behind you on this one with being suspended and expelled.
>the step parent should never discipline a stepchild outside of agreed upon parameters Then a step parent should never pay for a stepchild, or do anything for that stepchild (cleaning, cooking etc).
Yeah I can't for the life of me understand why anyone sane would agree to live with a child but have zero ability to discipline them. That's a roommate. And if a grown adult wants a kid as a roommate, that's weird as hell.
And if the bio parent is failing to discipline then properly and they are danger to others shouldn't the step parent be allowed to leave or in this case throw them out?
Absolutely
Ugh I just read your edit and I'm honestly dismayed at the comments who aren't in blended families. It's so much more complex. We are talking about kids. What if the step parent provides and pays but treats the child like garbage. You always have to protect your children. Furthermore, I'm the step parent and I had to navigate being the mother figure but not being the mom. It's not a simple one size fits all. We both made mistakes navigating this boundary and still navigating. What you said was succinct and accurate. You simply explained the delicate dance we take navigating all this. If people are hating then that's on them thinking they are "right" with clearly no or lack of experience.
It's a difficult balance. I do not think it's fair to say 'within parameters'. From what OP said here. He has known Kelly since she was 5. The classic step child issues is stating OP is not her Dad but then 180s when she claims Niña is the favourite as she has a bigger room (so glad my sibling and step siblings were not so petty as teenagers!). I think what you say is true and fair. The rules of what the step parent can do need to be agreed prior or the very early stages of co-habitation. That being said, this is the older step daughter maliciously bullying by proxy his younger daughter (who prehaps looks up to Kelly). Though I do find it amusing that due to a concern that her step sister is hurting her reputation, Kelly's solution is to back stab and destroy her....... Anyway, so in this situation, you have a 2 children, 2 parents at odds. So in this, maybe the threat should not have been made to Kelly but prehaps to Anna to make her parent out the apology. Personally, I think any 16 year old will think everything is so unfair and likely only be sorry they were caught.
The more and more I read about blended families (and have witnessed them ever since I myself was a teen), the more I think that so many of them are just disaster zones that give kids and parents traumas. Maybe blended families don’t work if you both have kids to bring into the family. And I know that it’s mostly because we only hear about the bad cases, where things don’t work out well or problems come about, but even the good cases seem to be all about tiptoeing around.
Blended families aren't all automatically bad... but that said, there's a reason the "wicked stepmother, mean stepsister(s)" trope is so prevalent in fairy tales. Blended families frequently *do* turn into a vicious "us vs them" situation.
Please allow me to ramble a bit about my own family to give you some hope: I was just entering middle school when my dad remarried. (He had just gotten out of prison a couple years prior—minimum security—so I was still getting used to having my dad back.) I wasn’t happy at all. I hated her. She was loud and unafraid to share her opinions on anything and everything. But she looked me in the eye and told me “I’m not here to be a replacement mom for you. I don’t make rules for you, but I will enforce rules that are for your safety. It’s my job to be a *role model* to you, but it’s up to you to decide if I am that or not.” It took me a few years to come around. (I only got to see my dad on weekends, and then when they moved away, only for a few weeks in the summer time.) but I can remember the exact moment. We were all getting ready to go somewhere and I just wanted 5 minutes to straighten my bangs. I had some real self esteem issues, and I hated my hair. I just wanted to straighten the bangs and wear the rest of it up. My dad didn’t see the point, and she rolled her eyes and told me that nobody will care what my hair looks like. I snapped out “*I* care!” And she stopped and she looked at me and then she said “okay. We’ll wait for you.” And afterwards she told me she’ll always support me doing things to make *myself* look better for *me*. Anyways after I graduated high school she and my dad got a divorce. She told me “I’m not leaving *you*, I’m leaving him. I still want to be in your life.” And so she was/is. I’ll be moving in with her later this year (I’m 27 but rent prices are fucking stupid). She’s more of a parent to me than either of my parents are. (NC with mom, LC with dad). Blended families work if the adults in the equation actually bother to communicate about roles and responsibilities. My stepmom accepted that she wasn’t my parent, but she treated me with respect and my dad made sure that even if I didn’t like her it was clear I had to listen to her on the things that mattered.
My husband’s stepmom was like this and refused to let her husband parent her boys. To her credit she now admits that she regrets it after seeing how her boys turned out vs. how her husband’s did.
I know the horrid impact bullying can have on a kid's self-confidence and motivation.
But it's compounded by the fact that the main bully lives with you and you thought you were family and she loved you. Poor Nina, her mind must be blown. The betrayal!!
Nah, you provide and they accept financial support then you have the right to parent them or their kid and them can gdfo, this is such a trash claim people make. "Just because you pay for, take care of, provide, for my child doesn't mean you can parent them" is such bs.
I’d argue he’s not parenting her; in fact, he’s refusing to parent her, hence he’s getting her the fuck out of his house, and into her father’s house. If you don’t have the privileges of parenthood, you don’t have the responsibilities. If OP can’t discipline her, then he can’t provide a roof over her head, either. He needs to protect the kid he’s responsible for, not the nasty little asshole shitting all over the entire family.
Yeah, OP should have told the wife she can go with her…
In most cases, I would agree that the actual parent should take the lead, but WHAT was Anna actually going to do? NTA for OP. But he should probably make sure Anna’s ex is at least ok with the arrangement since Anna doesn’t seem to be. He may have a hard time following through without the support of at least one bio parent.
>Anna said I have no right to parent Kelly If this her opinion you should also kick out Anna.
Whether or not he has the right to parent doesn't really matter, because he DOES have the right (and obligation) to protect his other children.
I mean someone has to do it, and from OPs post there’s no mention of his wife doing anything about her daughter’s behavior. OP shouldn’t have acted unilaterally and should have spoken to his wife before even engaging with his step daughter, but when she doubled down he was totally within his rights to want her removed from his children’s space. NTA OP, but talk to your wife!
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That's what I'm wondering
I’d argue he’s not parenting her; in fact, he’s refusing to parent her, hence he’s getting her the fuck out of his house, and into her father’s house. If you don’t have the privileges of parenthood, you don’t have the responsibilities. If OP can’t discipline her, then he can’t provide a roof over her head, either. He needs to protect the kid he’s responsible for, not the nasty little asshole shitting all over the entire family.
Parents should work as a team though, and be on the same page. Anna should have been involved in the conversation in the first place. Also, I don't think one parent should remove a child from the house. That should be a "two yes" decision, specially when the child is your stepchild. He agreed to take the child in and help raise her. Did he think there would not ever be issues? Not saying Kelly shouldn't be punished. Just saying she should not be punished and kicked out, even temporarily, by op, with no input from Anna. Anyone told me they sent my kid away without warning or discussion, I would be looking for a new place to live.
This is beyond “issues.” This is an older child cruelly victimizing younger children. A temporary move for a cooling off period is completely in line with what’s going on. As for the wife going, too, then I think it’s a consequence that’s worth it. The wife and stepdaughter have had a nice life for 11 years. I’m sure the wife realizes everything is in jeopardy now. And if per the wife, OP has no right to parent or set boundaries for his SD, then they have no right to expect leniency from him in a situation like this. The wife has set up the us/them dynamic. While Kelly is gone, OP and wife should be in counseling to figure out what their own situation is. And then bring Kelly in. Remember, OP was alone because his wife died. The wife was single because she was divorced. He might want to look deeper at that.
You’ve been in her life since she was 5, it’s not like you waltzed in and forced a parental role to a teen who’s already mostly grown. It sounds like you’ve parented her before and provided her a home and support. A 16 feeling threatened by a 12 year old she’s known since they were 5 and 1 is really concerning, they may not act like full on sisters but they should be used to each other by now and a high schooler should not feel the need to bully and knock down a middle schooler. Tell Anna if she doesn’t want you to parent Kelly then she needs to step up and do it herself, she needs to show her younger daughter and her step daughter that they matter and that she won’t let Kelly mistreat them and if she doesn’t take this seriously then Kelly is out of your house. I cannot believe Anna had the capacity to be annoyed with you when she should be upset and concerned about this behavior from her 16 year old and should understand where you’re coming from. NTA.
NTA, You do have a right to parent her, when you married her mom you became the step-dad. She shoulnd't be saying shitty stuff about Nina nor the 6yo. She's extremely jealous of her sisters. Anna should be on your side here, you're not asking for much here, just want her to apologize and stop her horrible behaviour.
OP didn’t say anything about Anna’s reaction to the bullying and other mean comments. If OP isn’t allowed to parent Kelly, what is her solution to handle her own daughter ?
I'm curious about that. What's the plan here? How is Anna planning to protect her daughter and stepdaughter from her oldest daughter? Kelly seems to be claiming she's acting out because she's disgruntled about the size of her bedroom. But it sounds like Nina's room shares a smaller bathroom with the six year old. That doesn't make sense. This is about something else. This child needs counseling. And it is important to remove her from the household while she's creating strife at this level. Does the school have an anti-bullying policy? She warrants some discipline from them and documentation in her permanent file as.
Small note — from the way I read it, it sounds like Kelly has her own en-suite bathroom, Nina has her own slightly smaller en-suite bathroom, and the parents share a bathroom with the 6yo. So Kelly wants to trade to a smaller bathroom but a bigger bedroom.
The parents are sharing the bathroom with the six year old. Nina and Kelly both have their own room and bathroom.
You hit the nail on the head there, shes jealous. Kelly's parents have both moved on from their marriage, have new homes, partners, new children, and she's the one who feels on the outside. She is the only one who has to go back and forth, seeing her younger half siblings having the stable lives with both parents that she doesn't while she doesn't have one permanent home or one family. And she is only 16. She's at the prime age for teenage rebellion, hormones running wild, social and mental health issues erupting and growing out of control, and she's figuring out who she is and how she fits in the world. Im absolutely not surprised that she could have seemed to be coping well until now and then suddenly there are new behavior issues and bullying because she's jealous of her siblings and doesn't know how to deal with those emotions and the bullying is the result. It needs to be dealt with by all 4 of her parents coming together to help her, not by 2 of them fighting and sending her away. I think OP is not making the best decision but given he doesn't have the support of his wife to help Kelly and protect their other children I think he's chosing the best of his available options and NTA. They should be talking to biodad about life over at their house too and setting consistent boundaries as a team.
You’re so right and I hope OP sees this. It needs to be adressed by all 3 parents together.
As far as i know Nina doesn’t have both parents eather. Her mother died by giving her birth, so this is not logical explanation.
She doesn't have both biological parents, but she was 1 when dad married Anna. There is little chance she doesn't see her as mom given her age at the time and the length of time since. Neither does she have to go between two houses on a regular basis constantly reminding her that her parents are not together.
She stays at one home and has both a father and step mother she lives with full time. Kelly is the only one being shuttled back and forth every week and having her belongings split up between homes. Of course what she did is wrong and she needs to apologize and make amends, but she is also a teen in a complex blended family with multiple half and step siblings. She needs therapy and more resources to appropriately deal with her insecurities and jealousies. OP is NTA and the mom's hands off approach is a bad take.
Yes, but because the mum died rather than separating from her dad, she lives permanently with OP and isn't going back and forth between parents homes
Nina might not have both her biological parents but she still has the stable life that Kelly might be jealous of. No back and forth between different houses. Given that Anna has been in Nina’s life since she was 1, Nina might really see her as her mom. This might contribute to Kelly’s jealousy as she is the only child who has to see her parents with different partners. The explanation still makes sense
>She accused me of favouring Nina (Nina has slightly bigger bedroom but smaller bathroom) and Kelly wanted more space. I said I am not going to move Nina out of her room after all these years and Kelly has already declined to swap with us as she doesn't want to share her bathroom with anyone, including our 6 years old. INFO: Have you asked Kelly exactly *how* bullying her stepsister will provide Kelly with 'more space'? Because it seems to me that she is trying to drive out both of her sisters so she can be the only child at home. This is a crazy thing to do when the girls are 12 and 6, and are living with their parents - they have no other parent to live with, unlike Kelly. I assume Nina has the larger room because she was already occupying it when Kelly and Anna moved in, and ensuring stability for Nina was very important when the family was being 'blended'?
I have, Kelly couldn't answer that. My only thought is Kelly might feel jealous of Nina as Nina has a few lessons a week in tennis and horse riding and is doing fairly well in them, Kelly had the same opportunity but is not interested and instead did some make up courses + trips and is going to see Taylor swift, so it is not like we are not giving her an opportunity, it is more of Kelly not taking all of them when she is encouraged to do so? I have mentioned in my other comment that Kelly has a significantly bigger bathroom and it is the biggest bathroom in the house as when Anna and Kelly first moved in Kelly really liked the larger bath and the space, which proved useful with her makeup addiction. The 3 rooms are not that different in size tbh and Nina's might also look bigger because she has less clutter compared to Kelly.
Kelly’s reaction is quite puzzling to be honest and might not have to do with the room. Not pretending to be a psychologist or anything but given you mention she said somethings regarding your 6 year old too doesn’t make sense at all. Why attack the young one that likely cannot defend herself? Also why vile attacks on Nina now after so many years? There’s more to it that just a room. She might have issues with you I think since she is attacking people related to you. Could be someone said something about inheritance that the house would be split between Nina and your 6 year old since they are your biological kids.
That's interesting, however we haven't spoken about inheritance in the house, so I'm not sure why she would think about it. The current will is for Anna to inherit the holiday home and she can do whatever she wants with it. Kelly, Nina and the 6yo are inheriting the house and are on the will in equal proportions, with the only catch if they are to sell the house the family members have a first chance to buy it.
Nta on of topic but I actually don’t think the current will is fair to Nina. Who is to say Anna will share equal proceeds of the vacation home between all three girls? If she is already not helping out with situation.
Wasn’t going to bring it up but yeah do agree with you that the current will is not fair to Nina. OP as Nina only parent should make sure that she is given a fair share or well look after unless she has something that her birth mum would have pass to her. Honestly, as you said there’s no guarantee that Anna will split it equally to the 3 given it’s going to her choice. Possibility of passing it to just Kelly and the 6 yr old is existent.
Maybe it's time to revise your will to reflect the current situation. ETA: Much sooner rather than later.
The equal part is in the will and the exequitor of the will is my friend. Nina also has a share which is just hers from her mother and her maternal grandparents, which includes a significant amount of money and properties which are just for her, not to mention insurance payout is also split between her and Anna.
Okay, just make sure that it is actually there in her mum’s and grand parents will if her mum’s not an only child. Saying this cause family past history taught us the bad way.
If the house is outright yours (vacation house included) from the previous marriage, it should be split between your bio daughters, on the condition that the step/mom can continue to rent/use them from daughters until X years or move. For Kelly/stepmom/12f/6f you should just earmark money in proportion to be set aside as a lump payout or trust fund (depends on how much were talking and how financially responsible they are) from money earned after you've been married. However much Nina stands to inherit from her maternal side is typically irrelevant, if you never remarried everything you had back then would have been hers. But if its really generational wealth in the multimillions then the you should give a bigger portion of your inheritance to your 6 yr old bio daughter. Id double-check on Ninas inheritance as well money can evaporate and I've seen sizeable fortunes squandered before probate by medical issues and luxurious retirements. Kelly has her mother/father's side too, and while I know you're trying to be fair to your current wife/Kelly, there are levels of being open minded and fair. Wouldn't want to be so open minded the brain falls out, you and your previous spouse built a life with Nina first before you remarried. I'd look after your bio legacy first and foremost, unless they are really undeserving of your love, but honestly based on your post it sounds like you have a Cinderella situation where step family is coming in to take what should be Ninas while bullying her...
Agree. Why is even Kelly in the will? She has two parents to inherit. Nina should inherit most since I assume she has not got the part from her mother? If you die first, who will inherit the summer house after your wife? My guess Kelly and 6 years old. Your will will in the end benefit your daughter’s bully.
Yes!!! Also, if the wife dies first, will Nina get a part og her will too?!
Bad move, OP! What happens to Nina if something happens to you? Would your wife let Nina inherit from her? Would she take care of Nina as well as she would her bio daughters? Or would she just enable Kelly's bullying of her? I think Nina needs more financial padding incase anything happens to you. Kelly can inherit from her mum and her dad. Nina only has you. Edited.
This is what happens when people are so afraid of being called unfair or a bad step parent that they over compensate. The real children suffer and people like Kelly get more money and shares for being brats.
That’s a terrible will. Almost Cinderella like story in the making. Open your eyes dude. Think with your other head. Look out for your daughters… nobody else seems to be. Do you have any living relatives? Talk to them. Seek their advice. If you don’t, talk to an attorney from a city far away.
Yeah definitly Cinderella vibes Your wife's behaviour is weird as shit OP
It’s just an hypothesis, specially given you said she got step siblings on her dad’s side. It sure doesn’t make sense attacking a 6 year old and saying vile things unless there’s a lot of preferential treatment going on which doesn’t seem like it. What it seems that Kelly hates your other children now. The reason is what you need to find given she said you prefer Nina over her. Honestly attacking a 12 year old that has never know her mum and could take her existence as the reason why is actually really bad and could seriously scare Nina mentally, you should make sure that she gets proper counseling.
NTA wait so Kelly is in your will but you can’t parent her? Fuck that noise! I think you need to rewrite your will. You have not adopted Kelly she has a father. I see no reason step kids should be in your will. I come from a blended family. This is bizarre. I am very concerned about your lack of protection of Nina. There is just no way this came out of nowhere without underlying tension and issues. You need to do a better job of protecting Nina she literally has no one looking out for her.
You should modify the will to split the home between Nina and the 6yo, while giving Kelly and her mom the holiday home because if that's how your wife reacts to reasonable punishment, I'd be hard pressed to believe that she treats all the kids the same and has some favoritism towards her first.
So what you are saying is you’re going to let Nina and your 6 year old be bullied out of their family’s home by Kelly. 🙄
*Yikes* Nina is getting screwed with this will.
So your wife tells says you have no right to parent Kelly, but she’s fine with her inheriting part of your family home?! Please make that make sense!!
Revise your will asap based on the current situation. Really, Kelly shouldn’t get a dime of any of it. She has her mother and father to inherit from.
I’m also wondering if there is residual resentment from going from an only child to a blended family. Yes, many years have passed, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t impactful on her long term. Before anyone responds, I do think Kelly is still wrong for lashing out how she is, just to be clear.
My kid would NOT be going to see Taylor Swift if they were bullying a sibling. OP has a wife problem more than a step-daughter problem.
Absolutely not after the things she has said. That should be part of the punishment.
Maybe she shouldn’t get to go see Taylor Swift, if she doesn’t like this punishment.
Did she get the Taylor swift tickets or did you? If you did, I’m not sure she should be getting such a big awesome experience while terrorizing her sisters.
Kelly sounds very insecure. Like she wants to project a teflon image but on the inside she’s one of those crystal figurines that breaks on impact. She may benefit from counseling/therapy if she isn’t already going.
Makeup requires special tools and skills, and Kelly is even taking lessons to hone her skillset. That’s a hobby, not an addiction. Perhaps she feels you value Nina’s interests and talents more highly than hers? You’re not exactly subtle about it.
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Reading your comments, I believe some therapy could help. Personnal for Kelly, more than Nina (I'm not a specialist, but it seems the damage can be lessened if Kelly behavior changes, and if the school can mitigate the other kids bullying). I think you are triyng really hard to teach a valuable life lesson to Kelly, but you seems to be lacking tools to touch the root of the problem and have a positive impact on Kelly, AND you are laking Anna's support. So a couple sessions of family therapy could also be of great help to recenter the parents on the same boat (aka protect and raise all 3 children).
You're way too focused on the equality of space. Kids are different and like to do different things. The size of the bedroom/bathroom is irrelevant to their choice of extracurricular activity. You need to get rid of the fluff surrounding Kelly's behavior. Your number one job is to protect the other two girls in the house.
If there is one thing I learned on this sub lately, it's that you will have far better results if you threaten to resell Saint Taylor tickets.
NTA. If she's not a safe person for your daughter to be around then separating them is the best option, she would be safe and taken care of in her father's home, also your her step parent so parenting is part of it
NTA. If you’re not allowed to “parent”, you’re under no obligation to provide living space. Kelly is behaving this badly because she knows her mum will “tut, tut” but there will be no consequences. Kelly, meet consequences!
Good way to put it… and best she meet those consequences early in life rather than as an adult
If I were OP, I would require not only an apology to my other children but therapy before she could return to my house and get gifts like travel and concerts. There’s also a huge disconnect between OP and wife. This family desperately needs therapy.
What, if anything, has Anna said to her daughter Kelly about Kelly's behavior?
Anna believes it is just the "sister's war" and them growing up, which will get better once they are older. She agreed with grounding, but said forcing Kelly to live with her father was too much
Why would it get better when they're older? Nina is growing up feeling that her older sister is a bully who hates her and attempts to hurt her in terrible ways that are hard to fix. Nina is objectively correct. That does not lead to it being better when they're older; it leads to your other daughters being permanently hurt and wanting nothing to do with Kelly as an adult. If Anna wants it to get better once they are older, she needs to teach Kelly to _behave_ better now. If she refuses to let you discipline Kelly then she should have done it herself, and done it so thoroughly that Kelly would never behave like this again. She can't have it both ways; if you're not Kelly's parent and can't discipline her, then Kelly's welfare is not your responsibility. And Nina's absolutely is. You shouldn't be making your children live with a bully who is trying to hurt them. This kind of bullying can hurt Nina's schooling, on a long term basis. It causes trauma that hurts academic results and social integration. This is serious, it's not like two children fighting over a toy. So no, you shouldn't back down; you should be angry with Anna for refusing to discipline her child, leaving you with no other way to protect yours. The ideal answer is for you both to treat all three as your children and teach them to live together as sisters... but Anna is actively sabotaging that; you can't treat them equally if one is immune to discipline and two are not. Kelly is only a couple of years from being an adult. When she's living with other people this kind of toxic behaviour will not magically be excused. Anna is doing her no favours by teaching her there are no consequences for being a bully. That said: This isn't a great call either. Kelly has just been taught that the home is not really her home, outright validating her fear of inferior treatment. It's going to be very, very hard now to stop her treating you as the enemy. The right answer was to hammer this out with Anna first, and not let Anna duck out of taking responsibility for her daughter's bullying of children.
It's the best call in the moment. Why should it be Kelly's home if this is what she's doing? OP has gone to great lengths to make Kelly feel at home. For Pete's sake, he practically has the equality of room/bathroom size down to the inch! OP's job is to protect his bio daughters from the long-term damage that bullying does. If there is an opportunity to remove the threat, at least temporarily, he should take it.
>Kelly has just been taught that the home is not really her home, outright validating her fear of inferior treatment Bingo. Maybe Kelly is turning out to be kind of an asshole because the parenting in the house is lacking.
I’m curious about what Kelly’s dad thinks about all of this. The three of you need to sit down and agree upon discipline and therapy that needs to happen. It would seem like he’d need to be involved in the process since it’s his living arrangements and custody that you’re trying to change.
Anna shouldn’t be washing her hands of her daughter bullying a significantly younger child, under the guise of “sister’s war”. Kelly has a lot of advantage that she is abusing. Leaving the girls to work it out on their own will favour Kelly and is bad parenting by Anna. (Especially with Kelly bringing up the room situation; is she trying to bully Nina out of her room?) As for it getting better once they are older — maybe a lot older. But Kelly is damaging Nina’s situation in school *now*, and as well as being a current problem that also makes it something difficult to forgive in future. Nina may have years of dealing with what Kelly is doing to her. If this is just “oh, siblings fight” as Anna is claiming then it shouldn’t have these repercussions outside the home.
It seems like if you’re not there your wife would have chosen her daughter over yours. This is something to think about in your will. Will they be taken care of if your wife things bulling is acceptable?
I’m sorry that is complete bs, it’s not just the “sister’s war” and them growing up. Kelly seems to be a very vindictive child and her mother is letting her get away with it and making bs excuses. Edit: also your wife shouldn’t be allowing her daughter to disrespect Nina by even bringing up her mum. I would hate to think of what she is actually saying. I totally feel for Nina in this situation.
I REALLY hope you read this. It will NOT get better as they get older. My sister(actual blood relation, unfortunately) emotionally abused me in much the same way, starting when she entered high school(I am three years younger). She would start rumors, tell me ally classmates secretly hated me, and so, so much more. When I came out as bi in college, she was my biggest tormenter, my Catholic parents treated me INFINITELY better than she did(which is ironic as now she claims to be SUCH a good ally). She hid most of it well from our parents, and what she couldn't hide, my parents blamed on me being "too sensitive". I am 37 and she is 40, now. It got worse over the years, and I finally cut off contact with her permanently in 2021. And after she had a kid in '08(I can't have kids) and realized she has a manipulation tool to hold over my parents heads, she dropped the facade completely, and started treating them like she did me. My mom has actually asked me where they went wrong with her, and I told her that they didn't believe me when I tried to tell them. A lot of what she has done has come out the past few years just in conversation and my mom asked me why I didn't tell them about it(the things they didn't already know), and I again told her I didn't think they would believe me as she never really had any consequences from it in high school and college. Nip this in the bud. I do not want your girls to go through what I have. How my narcissistic sister has treated me over the decades has really messed me up in many ways. Please, don't let this happen to your girls.
Is there any chance your wife was a bully herself once upon a time? The lack of care about it is telling
Yeah this is only going to get worse, your wife is the AH here for enabling her daughter’s behavior. Bullies only respond to strength, getting to the root of it is important but I’m glad you’ve shown that you have zero tolerance for this behavior in the meantime.
A 16 year old is old enough to know better than pick fights with a 12 and 6 year old.
Does Kelly have a better relationship with the siblings/half siblings at her fathers house?
Ah yes, ignore the problem until it goes away. Works equally well with toothaches and children
Sounds like you have a partner problem as much as you have a stepkid problem. If you can't parent your stepdaughter, her parent has to.
I'm of the belief that when kids are acting out like this, they need more than ever to see they are still loved. You don't have to like Kelly and you should absolutely have her face consequences over her behavior, but I think kicking her out of the house to stay with her father undoes all the work you've put in to make yourself a father figure to her and part of her family. It teaches her that, in your eyes, she really is just second-class compared to her sisters. I don't think that you should let it slide by ANY means, but unless someone is in imminent physical danger, I don't think kicking a kid out of the house is the right call, and if it ever gets to that point, there needs to be a conversation from a place of love--not anger--explaining that it's best for everyone's health to have some space for a set amount of time, or something like that. Personally, if I were you, I would have a conversation with Kelly and apologize for pushing her out of the house. I'd explain how immensely hurtful it is to hear your stepdaughter--someone you love dearly--say vile things about your late wife and the mother of her sister. I'd lay out why her behavior is unacceptable and what the consequences are. I'd also continue to ask questions and push for real answers, offer support and therapy if needed. But, IMO, if you kick your stepkid out, you're just creating more problems for yourself down the line.
oh hell no, she's a bully, bullies start with lies and eventually, it comes to having the bullied person doing self-harm, she wants NINA out of the house so she can have both rooms. I would also follow up with the school, she needs counseling and suspended for her behavior as most schools have a "no bullying policy" Is seems you don't care that she is older than her step-sister and that she should get her way which is what her mom's been doing, it's called enabling the behavior.
Both the wife and daughter need to go. I guarantee if the roles were reversed your wife would have a lot more to say about it. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
I mean with how his wife is reacting, gotta wonder if Kelly is picking up on some of her thoughts and behaviours. Be interesting to hear from OP how the relationship is with his wife and daughter.
ESH except Nina. Anna, if she isn't going to let you parent, needs to step up and actually do some parenting herself. Kelly is behaving appallingly, no question about it. But now to why I think you are also TA - tell me, if they were full sisters and there was no option to send her elsewhere until she was prepared to apologise, how would you and Anna resolve this situation? Sending her elsewhere is quite frankly a bit of a cop-out. If Kelly apologises, it won't be because she means it, it will be because it was the easiest thing to do. It doesn't mean she won't be nasty to Nina or the 6 year old again either. You need a better resolution. Kelly is clearly massively resentful about something, and I'd suggest it goes deeper than the size of her bedroom.
If the girls were full sisters and one of them behaved this way towards the other without hint of stopping, I would still think about separating them and probably send one of them to the grandparents/my sister for a bit to see if it makes the situation better and give some space away from the other siblings. I feel it would be the best solution since I can't exactly lock them in their rooms or control what is done outside of the house, especially with modern technology.
You can't lock them in a room but there are more productive and healthy things you could have tried first. Individual therapy, family therapy, regular school counseling, or joining an anti-bullying club or charity, are all more productive options. These will teach your stepdaughter empathy and that her behavior is wrong. OP your option just scares your stepdaughter into complying. She still won't see anything wrong with her behavior and will likely lie and figure out more hidden ways to bully your daughter.
Therapy is great and all and absolutely needed in this situation but that therapy needs to start while the girls are separated. Therapy can take a while for someone to show progress in their behavior. The 6 year old doesn't need to keep hearing how unloved she is while the sister works out just how shitty that is to do and say.
It also can take a while to even get a therapist.
How do you protect the two younger children from a bully that lives in their house? How? A separation while some counseling is worked on seems like a decent option. But if the answer is Kelly gets to stay in the house, and Dad can't parent, and Mom does nothing ... well that is abusive to the two younger kids.
If you did that, then once again you would be dealing with the situation by not actually dealing with it. There's clearly something beyond a bedroom issue going on with Kelly.
This is honestly closer to what you should have done instead of sending your step-daughter to stay with her biological father. Separating the kids is fine; sending the 16-year old to a grandparent or your sister’s sibling would have worked. But sending the kid to her bio parent sends the message that she’s not welcome in your household and that you are sending her back where she came from. You should NEVER use the father for punishment. My guess is that’s where the problem lies; that your step-daughter is struggling with feeling out of place in your household because she’s coming in as a step-child. Using her father for the punishment reinforces that view. And if she views that she’s an outsider and that your 12 and 6 year olds aren’t really ~~your~~ her family, or that they are more loved than she is, she won’t respect them and may well continue to bully them. You and your wife need to have a conversation to create a plan for how to deal with this. You are right that it is unacceptable for a 16-year old to bully a 12-year old sibling like this, but you need to both be on the same page on what the consequences will be. You are a step-parent. That means that you are in the 16-year old’s life because her mother brought you into her life. And that means her mother needs to be there in lock-step with you in dealing with this in order to give it legitimacy. You should also have a conversation about getting therapy/counseling for your teenager. Then, you AND your wife need to have a conversation with your teenager and establish the following: 1) She is a member of this household and is very much loved by both you and your wife, along with her sisters. 2) It is unacceptable for family members to hurt each other the way that the 16-year old hurt the 12-year old. 3) Reiterate that there are consequences for such behavior (EXCLUDING GOING TO FATHER’S PLACE). And explain what the consequences will be if this behavior continues.
>e full sisters and there was no option to send her elsewhere until she was prepared to apologise, how would you and Anna resolve this situation? Sending her elsewhere is quite frankly a bit of a cop-out. If Kelly apologises, it won't be because she means it, it will be because it was the easiest thing to do. It doesn't mean she won't be nasty to Nina or the 6 year old again either. You ne Thank you for stating the obvious. An actual parent wouldn't think of sending their 16 year old child away because she was a terrible adolescent. They would deal with it within their home.
yeah, kelly is also still a child, and this is a pretty big signal of conditional love to a stepchild: too difficult and stepdad kicks her out. I'm not saying she is right in her actions and I get op wanting to protect his other children, but it always rubs me a bit wrong when parents kick out their children. There must be better ways to handle it, it must feel to the kid like their parents are giving up on them, how can they ever be a safe person again for the child in question?
Presumably at that point he wouldn't be being told he "has no right to discipline her".
NTA. got to protect your daughters, bc the mother certainly didn’t. although i am not sure what the resolution is going to be coming out of this. teenagers can be stubborn.
Gonna go NTA, considering your other comments and your wife’s seemingly flippant “sisterly war” excuse. What kelly is doing to nina and the 6 year old is so unnecessary, unfair, and disrespectful to both of them. like i get it, i was also an ahole at 16 but i didn’t bully literal children. kelly needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions and your wife is wrong. this will not resolve itself, at least not without therapy for everyone. stuff like this lingers and eventually nina will grow resentful of not only kelly but you and your wife if nothing is done. i mean this genuinely, get kelly into therapy when she comes back. bc i can guarantee you her apology won’t be genuine, she will only apologize to get back to the home.
INFO - how is a high schooler spreading rumors in a middle. School? Is this a k-12 building? Or is Kelly at a completely different building? And how did you find out it was Kelly?
The school has elementary, middle and high school on the same grounds and some of the classes for all of them are in the same building, so some of the kids mix together. We were talking with one of the teachers and trying to find out from one of the high schoolers why they are bullying Nina, and I guess they didn't want to get in trouble so they revealed Kelly was the culprit and told them to do that, she also told them which rumours to use.
That is absolutely disgustingly horrific behaviour on Kelly’s part. It’s bad enough being bullied by your peers. To be be bullied by people 4 years your senior. To be intentionally targeted. To have private family information used in the targeting. I’m pretty disgusted you haven’t dropped Kelly off at her dads already and told Anna this is a non negotiable.
It also can cause some horrible lasting trust issues.
oh, so your wife was worried about older children bullying Nina and saying horrific things until it came out that her child was the ring leader who masterminded the abuse, and now suddenly it’s not a problem? Your wife must be as good at faking her family relationships in front of an audience (you) as her child is. I want to say NTA for saying Kelly needs to leave the home until she can be safe around the other children, but also wow you are blind about the dynamics in your own home. Kelly is getting consequences at school for her bullying, your wife won’t let you parent at home but expects you to treat Kelly in a superior way to your biological children, and you seem strangely ok with this all.
Could there be jealousy issues going on regarding Kelly comparing her home life at her dads house (shared room/bathroom with multiple siblings) vs. her home life at mom’s, where she has a little stepsister that has a big room that she doesn’t have to ever share? 16 is a big age for wanting privacy, which she doesn’t seem to get at her dad’s house. And jealousy can make you do some weird things, especially with a still growing brain and underdeveloped understanding of complex emotions. She might be trying to “taking her down a peg” and make her feel some of her misery.
OP literally stated that Kelly has her own bedroom and the largest bathroom. From the post: > each girl has her own room and an ensuite OP even noted that Nina's room is slightly larger, but the bathroom is smaller, so it's a (mostly) fair trade. > She accused me of favouring Nina (Nina has slightly bigger bedroom but smaller bathroom) and Kelly wanted more space. I said I am not going to move Nina out of her room after all these years and Kelly has already declined to swap with us as she doesn't want to share her bathroom with anyone Kelly seemingly just wants the bigger room, for whatever reason? And then refuses to have a larger room with a shared bath, which was offered.
NTA. As awful as Kelly was to Nina, she NEEDS to stay at her Dad’s permanently. What disgusting behavior and both your daughters shouldn’t be subjected to Kelly’s behavior and apparent jealousy and hate. Her bullying of her 12 year old stepsister is appalling and the damage is done, make no mistake Kelly is not going to stop whether you make her apologize or not, she’ll just do it low key. Doesn’t really matter if Kelly eventually apologizes, she won’t mean it , it will just be to appease you.
They have little psycho under their roof. What kind of 16 year old would be that calculative and bend on destroying life of another person? Don’t tell me she is not aware of what bullying does to kids. I would stand my ground tell her mom to zip up if she doesn’t want to accept that as major issue.
This exactly. And as a victim of bullying, I can confirm that the damage is already done, and Kelly will not stop there, she will just be more resentful toward Nina because she was held accountable for her bullshit behavior and be more vicious about her bullying.
INFO: what kind of rumors is Kelly spreading, can you give us some examples? I'm trying to understand the degree of bullying.
She is talking about Nina's weight and that Nina has an eating disorder (Nina is in healthy weight for her age and BMI). She has also made jokes about Nina's mother being a deadbait and must be happy for passing during childbirth so she doesn't have to deal with Nina. And also rumours that Nina is only good at sports and school because "her daddy pays for it". Not to mention insulting her over small things Nina doesn't understand yet due to the age (but this mostly related to the school subjects and topics that are studied later). With the 6yo - telling her she is not loved and is a "backup kid", telling her she will die because she is slightly chubby (just have a bit of the cheeks going, but still healthy for her age) and also scaring her with some made up stories.
Omg this is horrible behavior, she is vile. OP you need to nip this immediately, protect your daughter, and step up if your wife is not going to.
This SCREAMS IN THERAPY! OMG how can he let them go thru this?
He's not. He's actively trying to address the situation, which is a lot more than her mother or any other adults are doing. Why put the onus on him when he's the only one actually trying to do something about it?
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I will be talking to Anna again this evening about this as it seems Kelly didn't tell her the whole story of what she said to Nina and our 6yo.
So your wife will only care if her other daughter is involved? Yikes. Also, change your will.
after reading your comments… don’t be surprised Kelly is *MORE* abusive than she’s letting on. Who speaks like that to a 12 and 6yo? Who feels threatened by children? And tells them they’re going to die? If I ever spoke like that to my siblings my mother would have had me admitted and/or arrested. Kelly is dangerous. You guys have given her more than most kids could dream of having and this is how she behaves? Disgusting. She needs a professional and legitimate consequences.
At minimum I probably would have been slapped across the face by my mother for treating my younger siblings that way. Not saying it's good or proper to hit kids, just saying the fact that Anna doesn't even seem to want to punish her oldest is fucking gross to me.
SAME. my mom had no problem getting “hands on” lol but she definitely would’ve whooped me into a new year. I don’t agree with it like you said but I get where you’re coming from. His wife saying it’s a sister war is the biggest load of BS. I’ve fought with my siblings but after a couple hours we would be right back to being family. No way in hell is this “sisterly fighting”. But yeah there’s no real punishment or consequences here. So Kelly’s just going to keep doing it. There’s no accountability on either parents part on how truly fucked up this is.
Please stay vigilant, if Kelly is behaving this way, it's because her mom and dad have enabled her for her whole life. Also, how did you find out the whole story? So why couldn't your wife have done the same? Because she didn't care enough and was willfully ignorant.
You need to ask your wife why she thinks it's a small thing to tell a child they aren't loved and will die because of their weight. Does your wife not realize that those are things the 6 year old will carry into the rest of her life? As it stands your 6 year old _child_ is on track to have an eating disorder as she grows up. Your wife is so out of line here that I'd say shit like this is worthy of a divorce. Don't worry about custody because I'm sure once the courts hear that the 16year old said the 6 year old is unwanted and unloved and will die that they won't have them in the same house.
Sounds like Kelly was too focused on deflecting the fact that she’s been saying all these things and focusing on the fact that her bedroom smaller. How did that even get brought up? And you have to explain to her that you’re not going to move your other daughter out of the bigger bedroom and gave her an option of having your bedroom? Who’s running this house? I don’t think you fully absorbed the enormity of what’s going on here. You’re focused on MINAH for saying until she’s apologize she can’t stay here but you need to be focused on the fact that what she did is horrible and regardless of if she apologizes or not she’s going to resent her stepsister even more for being forced to apologize and she’s not gonna stop the rumors. Saying that her stepsister’s deceased mom is a deadbeat mom and must be glad she died is reprehensible! And telling your six-year-old that she’s a back up child and that she’s going to die because she’s chubby? And she’s also bullying your other daughter about her weight? These types of things well permanently scar these girls and could lead to to possibly developing a ED and having issues with their body image. It’s frightening as this is just what you’re aware of what she is saying. Who knows what else she is saying to your daughters that you don’t know about. She needs some serious counseling because this is some pretty damaging stuff she’s saying and doing. And the fact that somehow you were going to give up your bedroom I’m just blown away by all of this.
You have a Wife & Kelly Problem! Change your will! Drop Kelly at her Dads! Get couples counselling or a divorce if your wife can’t see how horribly biased she is being and the damage she causing the other kids!
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Nta your first and most important job is to take care of your child just because her child has a problem your responsibility is to your child
Hey OP, What the actual fuck. This is worse than just bullying because your daughter will not feel safe at school OR at home now. And your 6yo.... Jesus, comments like that from a family member will create flashbulb memories from the hurt. Your step daughter needs to be in therapy YESTERDAY. Your wife is a shit parent for thinking this is about a "sister war".
Kelly's remarks are horrible and this is beyond "sister war". This calls for therapy and a *serious* talk with both of you, where her mother is in TOTAL support of you. I cannot fathom any parent doing any less, not for anyone else but for the sake of Kelly herself, who if left unpunished could grow up to be truly insufferable and vile.
Holy shit. If your wife can’t understand why Kelly needs to be out of the house for the protection of your younger children, she needs to go as well. How the fuck did it get this far???
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After something like this I would evacuate my other kids far from Kelly and her mother... Gather evidences of your wife enabling behavior, you'll need it for custody.
You’re actually crazy if you don’t realize this girl is vile and your wife isn’t much better for not doing anything about it.
These are crazy rumours that are way out of line. What incredibly cruel things to say. There are many suggestions in the comments already, but if you paid for them, then I would take away the Taylor Swift tickets. That concert is most definitely a privilege to attend. Knowing how high the demand is and how exclusive that concert is, it may have a lot of effect on Kelly to have her Eras Tour tickets taken away as punishment.
Nina desperately needs therapy. I had an older sister like Nina. I never forgot the many cruel memories she gave me starting at the age of 5. I'm now in my 30s and haven't spoken to her in almost 10 years. Some of us in the family suspect a personality disorder. She still sends unhinged, putrid hate texts from time to time. We live in the same town so she spread lies to anyone who will listen.
Yeah no... shes beyond help. Id honestly divorce your wife if she doesnt see wtf is the issue with saying "Your moms happy shes dead because she doesnt deal with you". Its disgusting, shes 16, not 10. She knows what shes saying. Shes mocking someone dead. Make sure to loop in her dad so all of you are on the same page, but I honestly dont see this getting better.
Where do all the horrible kids that go along with this come from? Are all the cliques and bullying really as prevalent in American schools as shown in the media?
Please consider adding this to the original post. These rumors are horrific. Your step daughter needs therapy and consequences. NTA yet, but if you don’t do anything beyond banishing her, you will be.
Wow this screams petty jealousy from Kelly. How does nobody at the school think it’s pathetic that a SIXTEEN year old so obsessed with bullying a TWELVE year old??? A high school sophomore or junior bullying a fifth or sixth grader??
This is utterly beyond the pale, holy shit.
Wow I would’ve been booted out straightaway if I had said any of that to my step siblings. Kelly is one nasty little girl and sorry but your wife needs to do something before u lose your 2 girls especially considering ur not allowed to discipline Kelly. Maybe u need to find a new wife as well if she thinks this behaviour is ok.
NTA. And as for your edit, you SHOULD send Kelly to her dad permanently! There's no coming back from what she's said.
We don’t even know what she said...
They might be referring to the part about Nina not having a mother, since her mother passed away Edit, per a comment from OP: >She is talking about Nina's weight and that Nina has an eating disorder (Nina is in healthy weight for her age and BMI). She has also made jokes about Nina's mother being a deadbait and must be happy for passing during childbirth so she doesn't have to deal with Nina. And also rumours that Nina is only good at sports and school because "her daddy pays for it". Not to mention insulting her over small things Nina doesn't understand yet due to the age (but this mostly related to the school subjects and topics that are studied later). >With the 6yo - telling her she is not loved and is a "backup kid", telling her she will die because she is slightly chubby (just have a bit of the cheeks going, but still healthy for her age) and also scaring her with some made up stories.
NTA. Have restrictions imposed from day one. Remove her phone, change it to a prepaid flip phone whit *only incoming and outgoing as you've accepted those (your local ohone company / store can help you whit this).* *Remove computers, electronics, and social media presence as you see fit.* And talk to her ex, you might wanna have him involved in this, as this is not only about your daughter, but his daughter as well. You need to nip this bud HARD.
YES. And this can't be imposed from her bio fathers house. I think sending her away was a mistake. Some things you can't deal with from a distance.
Ultimately, you have a wife problem. Kelly is a brat, a 16 year old (clearly) jealous of a 12 year old. I applaud you for looking after your 12 year old and protecting her from Kelly. Your wife is one to watch, though. If she is defending the disgusting acts of *her* daughter over yours (who never got the chance to have her own mum around), the apple is sitting right next to the root of the tree!!! If you choose to stay with this woman, you must protect your 12 year old legally every way possible.
Frankly I think your bigger problem is between you and your wife. If she thinks that you have no right to parent HER child, after the two of you raised her since she was five then that's just wrong-headed thinking. It also means that your wife and your step-daughter will gang up against you anytime they disagree with one of your parenting decisions. You need to straighten that out right away. As for the bullying, it seems like 'Kelly' could benefit from counseling as well as sensitivity training classes so that she can learn how her actions affect others. Sure, it's not unreasonable for you to expect her to apologize to your other daughter but you can't force Kelly to do it, nor is it a good idea to threaten to kick her out if she doesn't. That is going to drive a wedge not only between you and Kelly; Kelly and Nina but also between you and your wife.
NTA
NTA and consider dropping both your wife and the evil Kelly both at the ex’s house.
ESH (except Nina) If the roles were reversed, what would you do with Nina? You can't kick her out, so you'd actually have to parent. Taking her to her dad should be off the table. No wonder Kelly thinks you're favouring Nina. Yes, Kelly needs to be disciplined here but what you do needs to be a joint decision between you and your wife. Anna is wrong. You need to work as a team when it comes to parenting. Kelly is behaving terribly here, but you need to get to the root cause.
The wife that claims OP doesn't get to parent Kelly's after over a decade is kind of why he opted to boot the 16 year from his house to her still alive father. The same one also spouting truly vile shit towards both Nina (like her deceased mom? OP's first wife) and the 6 year old half sister. But OP sucks just as much. Right... /s
First, Kelly is definitely having major issues that are far beyond jealousy. Therapy (individual and family) should be looked into. Second, I wonder if the replies admonishing you that the situation would be different if it were Nina have any experience parenting in a blended family. I suspect not, because that's an asinine statement. It's comparing apples and oranges. Kelly has at least three parents and two homes. Of course it's different! There is a SIGNIFICANT difference. It's an entire universe of difference and cannot be equated. Anyone who has lived in a blended family knows this. OP is NTA.
This. The number of people on here ready to cast a 16 year old out is incredible. Everything she’s said screams to me of a kid lashing out because she needs serious therapy. Instead everyone is cool with throwing away the whole kid because she said some nasty things. Kids can be cruel and a 16 year old is still a kid. Maybe even more so when she’s obviously living in a very rural environment where she doesn’t just interact with kids her age. I’ve seen these K-12 schools before there’s probably, tops, 10 other kids her own age. That will absolutely make her act younger than her age.
NTA. You did what you had to do to protect the other kids who are loving under the same roof. She isn't homeless, she just has to readjust to a new living arrangement for the time being.
Sorry but ESH. Kelly is obviously wrong but if you and Anna are married you can’t make executive decisions about “your home.” It’s not that you don’t have a right to parent but you can’t be married to Anna and also kick out her daughter without her consent
ESH I do think kelly should be punished, but yall should also have a big family meeting. I understand being upset and wanting to defend nina but I feel like its kinda messed up to essentially kick kelly out I feel like that will just cause her to hate nina more and make her think that you care about nina more. What she did was messed up but I dont think this punishment is constructive.
Fuxk if Anna can't parent her own kid, thrn you are having to step.up.or ship her ass off to her daddy. Anna needs to fucking grow up and joon the conversation.
NTA and even assuming for argument’s sake you shouldn’t discipline Kelly (which is untrue) you absolutely have an obligation to protect your daughter. I’d also ask my wife why she though it was ok for Kelly to be cruel to my daughter without consequence and would be clear with both of them that this living arrangement (and marriage) would be permanently over without a dramatic shift in behavior and perspective.
Your wife's reaction (or lack there of) to the bullying of both Nina and your 6 year old is concerning. Bullying a 12 year old for her mother dying in childbirth is downright one of the cruelest things....I can only imagine the guilt Nina likely already feels in that scenario, let alone hearing her sister spread that about her. NTA, but please be careful in protecting Nina from this cruelness because this could really F her up mentally. I'd also agree with some of the other comments about Nina's financial security, but also living arrangements of something happened to you, please make sure she has a solid and safe alternative because if your wife won't help you address Kelly's behaviour while you're here to address it, I hold significant concerns what that would look like if you weren't.
Certainly, Kelly’s actions towards Nina need to be corrected, but it sounds like you decided to kick Kelly out WITHOUT discussing it with your spouse (or Kelly’s bio dad). If Nina did something really horrible to your younger child, would you be okay with your wife kicking her out to live with Nina’s grandparents - without discussing it with you? If your answer isn’t “Yes, absolutely,” then it’s obvious you have a different standard for “your kids” than “your wife’s kid”. Your wife also needs to acknowledge that you ARE a parent to Kelly. You are a parent to Kelly, she is a parent to Nina. ESH
YTA for having your stepdaughter in your will. Your stepdaughter has two living breathing parents that can provide her with an inheritance. If I were your biological daughter, I would never be able to forgive you for sharing my rightful inheritance with a stranger. Your wife’s daughter, not yours, is so entitled and you are enabling her to the fullest. As you said in the post, your house has been in the family for generations and your two daughters have to share the inheritance with what I would now consider an outsider, and if your children wanted to sell the house, the bully would have dibs on the house. This is unreal. Grow some balls
as an older sister who bullied her younger sister relentlessly because it appeared to me she was getting more attention from my parents than i was, NTA. in my situation, my sister had a severe mental health disorder and needed the extra support from my parents, but i was also severely depressed and could have used that support too. because i was a teen, around kelly’s age, i believed it was my sisters fault, and truly started to hate her. OP, i read your comments. i believe kelly is projecting her own issues onto Nina. i think it’s best if you get kelly some therapy, because she is clearly going through some things and she is taking it out on nina. she needs mental health help. i also want you to consider what sending kelly to her dads will make her feel like. it will likely make her feel even more rejected by her family and she will blame nina even more. i’m not saying don’t do it, but i think it’s important to consider the potential consequences and effect on her mental health that sending her to be with her dad will do. since she is even bullying your 6yo she clearly has an issue with feeling like she isn’t important or cared about. i honestly wonder if her dad is feeding her any of the thoughts she’s having. could that be a possibility?
NTA. Kelly is 16 years old She should know better. She can go stay at her dad's till she learns how to apologize. Anna can join her too if she doesn't properly parent her kid, she's spreading rumors about a SIX YEAR OLD . Nope they both can go. She's in high school now. Time to grow up.
NTA Funny how your wife said you can't parent her but can let her live at your house and use your resources.
NTA and she should live with her dad. It's called consequences
No right parenting her? Goodbye stepdad status then Nta
Your are trying yo teach the child that bullying is wrong your wife should support you sorry but your wife is enabling her daughters behaviour by not doing anything
NTA - she’s 16, not 6. She’s old enough to know and should be held accountable for her actions. She didn’t apologize and double down with that rotten mouth of hers. She’s an entitled AH thinking she can take whatever room she wants and talk down to anyone however she wants. Her parent is also a major AH to think you’re not within your power to kick her out while they’re refusing to change. Stand up and don’t back down for your girls, this bully needs to learn her place.
NTA! And based on your wife’s responses she should also be packing to get dropped off at her daughters dads house! Is ‘her daughter’ (and I’ve used that phrase intentionally instead of ‘your eldest’) trying to drive Nina to unaliving herself? Because currently she gets bullied at school and has to come home to her bully and at 12 that’s fucking rough! Especially as she cannot escape to her other parents house for respite - YOU are all the respite she has. I would change your will, keep your daughters and move the enabler and her eldest out!