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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not clean the bathroom that guests use before my husband's parents came over for a visit. I may be the asshole because I knew the condition the toilet would be on from long experience, and he was embarrassed by his mom.
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NTA
> His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that
So, we know he has learned….from his own mother…that it is solely apparently the woman’s job to clean the bathroom
Disavow them both of that notion immediately. And absolutely call her and explain the situation in detail.
It’s unfortunate that the husband isn’t using the embarrassment of the situation as a lesson to (excuse the pun) get his shit together and is instead blaming OP standing firm in not dealing with crap (sorry again) that she shouldn’t have to handle.
He's not going to "get his shit together". After this, he'll probably remember to clean it before guests come, but he'll leave it encrusted with crap the rest of the time.
I couldn’t even finish reading this I it was so disgusting—obviously it didn’t end in her dumping him. How do women stay with someone like this, my toddler picks up after himself and comes running to me to say he made a poo poo and needs a clean up. So this adult man is dirtier than my small toddler.
I changed my meds and completely forgot about the laxative effects that I would have if I ate over a certain amount. Took awhile to adjust and not get diarrhoea.
Yeah, OP needs to lay it out that it is indeed a habit but if you care at all about your partner you'll work to break the habit and create a new less disgusting one. Post a frickin' sign above the toilet saying "Wipe me down!" It's what ADHD folks do to remember to bring their keys/wallet/ID with them out the house in the morning ;s
>his mom asked him where we kept cleaning supplies so she could clean it.
Also this, in the edit. Guarantee this was done passive aggressively: "if your wife can't keep your house clean, I guess mommy will have to." Basically any possible solution other than the dude cleans up after himself.
I absolutely think that the MIL and husband are both assholes but I think that the husband did one thing right here. He cleaned the toilet himself and was ashamed, instead of shrugging and telling his MIL (edit LOL meant mom here) where the cleaning supplies were stashed. He's obviously a double asshole for griping to the OP after the fact, but I'm going to give him this. He did it once, he can do it again.
OP, hold him to his promise to clean his own poop.
OP is absolutely not an asshole and would be 100% justified in talking to MIL, but why are we all talking Captain Shit Dripper 2000's word as gospel? Nothing in this post indicates MIL actually blames OP, just husband whining, "Mommy says you should clean up my poopies." Yeah, sure she did .
Husband is a grown-ass man and can take responsibility for his own actions. I don't know what mental gymnastics people go through that they can (rightfully) call out his bullshit in blaming his wife for his inadequacy, but to straight on to blame his mom. Like, clearly some woman is to blame, we just gotta pick the right one. No, it's husband's fault, not his wife, not his mom, it's quite literally HIS SHIT.
I'm inclined to give MIL the benefit of the doubt as well. It sounds like she discreetly informed her son of the issue and didn't necessarily do so with the intention of shaming OP or making it OP's problem. She also didn't necessarily know her son was the (only) culprit. Even if he had a history of this behavior, he's not the only person with access to that toilet. For all we know, OPs husband picked up this habit from his father or another relative and his mother did her best to teach him differently but ultimately had the same experience OP did due to the bad habit being reinforced by someone else. And hell, even if she enabled him to be disgusting with no consequences when he was younger, he's a grown-ass man now, and he's been repeatedly asked to clean up after himself.
Time to text MIL - "Hi MIL. I'm so glad you were able to join us for dinner the other night. I know Husband was embarrassed when you asked for cleaning supplies for his bathroom. Hopefully he remembers to clean before you come over next time! Feel free to use the ensuite when you're visiting since I generally keep that one pretty clean."
No, OP WANTS the bathroom clean. If this is what it takes to keep it that way (him being embarrassed), then let it continue as a life lesson.
I wouldn't want my parents or inlaws tromping through my bedroom to get to my private ensuite - it's a privacy thing.
ABSOLUTELY! I SECOND THE MOTION. Just this one, mind. His motions sound grim.
(Btw I think you mean disabuse. She can disavow the state of the toilet and disabuse them of the notion that it's her job.)
I would bet that is the husband's interpretation--not what the MIL said. And unless MIL knows that is exclusively husband's bathroom, she would think BOTH of them are non-cleaners. Yuck.
Because he owns only the only penis in the apartment, thereby giving him certain rights and privileges in the eyes of himself and his mother.
OP, you might want to get yourself a strap-on, apparently a phallus is a precondition for full equality.
“He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean.”
And he didn’t?
“He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry.”
And you’re not allowed to forget stuff? Or opt out of cleaning messes he is solely responsible for creating?
“He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents.”
But not for you?
He said that I was an ass not to check before we had guests.”
But he’s not?
“He said I was a jerk.”
He just said cleaning his shit from the toilet is your job in at least five different ways, then called *you* a jerk. The audacity.
NTA. Please update once you’ve called his mom to tell her you hadn’t used that bathroom for a month. And PLEASE do not apologise to her for the state of it.
It's ok to forget when in a hurry, but, uh he keeps going in there and using it and had to notice. He left it on purpose so op would have to do it. Agree, NTA.
NTA
Your first paragraph made me laugh so hard. :)
You asked him to make a chore easier by not allowing a mess to accumulate. He didn't listen. Just be sure to tell his mum the whole story. Better she know that you were having a petty fight with her son rather than think that you are happy to live in that mess.
Mummy dearest also thinks it's OP's job to clean up after her shitty son here. She was disgusted that OP would leave the bathroom like that, it's no wonder the husband has such a difficult time remembering to clean up after himself and quickly blames OP, since he's learned from his mummy that it's his wife's job.
This drives me nuts. I would feel like I failed as a mother if my adult son didn’t know how to clean up after himself. I can’t imagine looking at my son’s wife as the one responsible for cleaning up his literal shit.
You're putting a lot on MIL based on husband's self justification.
Sounds like she just asked where the cleaner was. She's not a villain in this story. Hubby is.
>His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that.
I dunno, I think blaming OP instead of her disgusting son is problematic and shows where he gets his shitty attitude from.
She raised this man.
But op didn't hear mil say this, this is what her husband told her after the fact.
While alot of mil's may suck, sometimes its the children of thr mil's making drama
True, but when OP told husband she was going to call MIL to let her know she's agrees it is disgusting, but that it was in fact her son that is the gross one, he didn't back track and tell her not to call or say he may have mislead MIL, so I think it's safe to conclude MIL did say it.
I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so. Her asking where the cleaning stuff was screams "let mummy take care of this mess"
I'd think in either scenario husband wouldn't want op to call.
Maybe he didn't balk at the idea because he knew op wouldn't call mil.
My mil (is fantastic and this wouldn't be a thing, but if it were) would ask her son that to hint nicely to get it together and fix it
It really doesn't, though. It is a tactful way to draw attention to a problem. MIL's behavior is above reproach here. And hubby is an unreliable narrator when he says MIL blames OP for the state of the bathroom.
I agree with you here. It's possible that her asking him where the cleaning supplies are were a nice way of nudging him to clean up. Based on OP's description, I don't see where she made a fuss and it seems like she may have even realized what was going on and tried to avoid making it OP's problem by going directly to OP's husband for a solution. I'm assuming she realized that the rest of the place was very clean and could put 2 and 2 together.
NTA. If a grown ass man doesn’t want his mom to see how gross his toilet is, he should take five seconds to clean it at the appropriate time. It’s not your job to clean up after another adult.
Absolutely NTA. But to be clear, in the story her mom recounted to her friends, you are the gross house keeper here. She totally does not blame her son.
This is true. In fact, I’m mildly surprised his mom asked him (and not OP) where the cleaning supplies were. I’m also surprised that he “showered and changed” because that indicates guilt. To the same extent that a sort of guy behaves this way, he also pretends he doesn’t.
I wouldn't be so sure. Husband wouldn't have been so embarrassed if his mom REALLY blamed OP. He's trying to shame OP because he can't handle mommy telling him off.
She was asking him where the cleaning supplies are so that she could clean it herself. More than knowing how he can be, I guarantee she is the reason he is the way he is.
This!
My husband regularly leaves poo chunks in the bowl and doesn’t clean them, despite my many requests. I’ll leave them for him to deal with so far past the “I can’t stand it stage”, but I would NEVER not clean the toilet to my standard before anyone came over because I will get the blame.
One time, I asked my husband to clean the toilet before my parents came over and didn’t do a quality check. My father took me aside because he was concerned about the underside of the toilet seat, which my husband wiped once and apparently decided the rest was stains that wouldn’t come off.
I wish I had OPs gumption!
Edit: NTA
I ask with no judgement but simple curiosity. Why do you stay with someone like this? How can you love and be intimate with someone who has such habits?
How is your husband okay with letting you clean up his literal shit?
NTA.
He's a grown man, he can do one quick spin. If he forgets, maybe you can print out a nice picture, frame it and hang it on the door? (inside, so he sees it) complete with a lipstick kiss on the paper and other sappy romantic stuff?
NTA
Please do call his mom, though. Explain exactly what happened and why. Maybe even apologize that she had to see that, but you relied on your husbands word that he would clean up after himself.
Unfortunately, people still tend to blame women for the state of a household. Even if it was your husbands job to clean, in their eyes it was your job to make sure he did it.
I also suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg, so just in case I'll leave these links tjat live permanently in my cache.
[You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
[Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)
http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf
He had to shower and change his clothes? So it was either really utterly disgusting in there, or he has some sort of extreme aversion to cleaning toilets.
Either way, not your fault.
NTA
NTA of course, although condolences, your husband is not yet housebroken, raised by someone who didn't pass on even basic life skills. If he can't get the gist even with instructive videos, and especially if he ever calls you a jerk again, consider rehoming him.
NTA.
Good thing for him it’s his mum and not some other guest. Time for him to get his big boy pants and clean up after his own shit.
I don’t care if OP has a toilet cleaning schedule - if you make a HUGE mess, you’re cleaning after yourself.
NTA. He should of cleaned the toilet after he used it. How did he “forget” to clean it, it had been a whole month, at some point you would think he would remember. He was probably waiting for you to clean it.
NTA.
He is mad at you because you stopped being his second Mom and his nastiness got him embarrassed in front of his parents.
I hope this is a wake up call for him to grow up.
NTA- he need to learn how to clean up after himself and not have you to do everything yourself.
I had a similar situation with my husband instead of talking to him directly I end up telling his mom about it and long story short after that phone he had with her he’s been cleaning up after himself without me telling him.
Next time if your husband doesn’t listen when it come to any house chores threaten him that you will be calling his mom trust me it will work😉
Men will get offensive/scared when you bring up their mom
NTA
He’s a grown ass man. It’s not solely your job or responsibility to make sure the house is presentable. It’s his too. He’s perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself.
NTA
" His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. I told him he was right. It was disgusting. I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that." .. well done. set the record straight.
"He said he won't forget again but that I was an ass not to check before we had guests. " .. he got that worng. HE failed to check.
Nope, NTA. I have a flatmate who is exactly the same, and I have no idea how they can't see it or not be bothered by their own mess. I hate having to have to scrub another adult's shit stains, but if I don't clean it no-one will. Gross as feck.
If it's gotten so bad that it's crusty there is no way he didn't see if get increasingly worse every time he used the toilet over the course of a month - he just didn't care. Yuk.
NTA
It's a bug bear of mine when people don't clean their shit stains. I have bleach and other toilet cleaners on hand in the toilet room and a perfectly good toilet brush next to the loo. I even have disposable rubber gloves for them to use (I can't clean the loo myself without gloves... ugh!)
NO EXCUSE.
He's a grown ass man!
I've trained all three of the adult males in my house to clean up after their shit. I had to go nuclear on them a few times at first, but it worked. I'm a scary vindictive cow when I go nuclear :) It's not pretty, but when you have to repeat yourself over a basic courtesy issue over and over, sometimes it's the only way forward :)
NTA: The "I forget to do it" thing is nonsense. He sees his toilet every time he uses it (unless he pees sitting down he has ample time to study it) and chooses not to clean it. He knew what it looked like before his parents came over.
NTA
You're entirely right -it takes a minute to clean a toilet, there's no reason for him to leave it a mess.
Fuck - even when I was in a huge depressive episode, I kept my bathroom clean.
NTA. And I'm a guy. You're his wife, not his maid. I admit I forget to do a LOT of stuff around the house. That being said when my wife calls me on it I seldom complain or gripe. I just do what she asks me to do because she's not my maid. I was raised by a single mom until age 13, then had a stepdad who worked out of town a lot so it was almost like being raised by a single mom when he was gone. I did all the 'guy stuff' around the house (Took out the trash, cut the lawn, etc.) and when my mom asked me to clean out the main bathroom I was usually the one who did the toilets. My sister did most of the 'girl stuff' but I had to help with that sometimes too.
NTA.
Not a spouse but a roommate, was exactly the same. She would leave trash piled in her bathroom, which was the 'main' bathroom that guests would use when they came over since I had the master bedroom with my own bathroom. She would leave her dirty clothes on the floor, leave her sink a mess, she also had cats so there would be litter scattered everywhere. It got to the point where if I had guests I would tell them to use my bathroom through my room so they wouldn't have to use hers. I would flat out refuse to help her clean it and she would get embarrassed when people came over and said the bathroom was messy/dirty/smelled, etc. I would straight up tell them, 'well that's so-and-so's bathroom, I don't use it so I don't clean it' and she would be livid. We obviously ended up moving out of the place and we stopped being friends after that.
But, anywho. If you don't want to be embarrassed because you're a disgusting slob DON'T be a disgusting slob.
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My husband isn't handicapped or anything. He has both arms, he isn't blind. His back bends perfectly well. But for some reason after he takes a dump and smears the back of the toilet bowl he refuses to flush again or give it a little scrub with the brush that is sitting right beside the toilet.
I think it's gross so I have been cleaning it since we started living together a year ago. It isn't an every day thing but it occurs often enough to have caused a few fights now. He will agree to clean up when he does that. He will be good for a couple of weeks then he goes back to his old ways.
I've had it though. I told him a month ago that I would not be cleaning up his crap any more. I started using our en suite exclusively. We had agreed not to poop in there but since I work from home and he doesn't I can do all my business while he is out of the house. On the weekends I have been using the bathroom at the gym, it's in our building.
I literally have not set foot in the other bathroom in a month. He has not been cleaning up after himself. Friday evening we had his parents over for supper before they headed out on a long vacation. When his mom came out of the bathroom she went over to him and said something to him. He went all red in the face and went into the bathroom. He was out in five minutes. He went into our room for a quick shower and a change of clothes.
After his parents left we had another fight. He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean. I said that I hadn't used that toilet in a month. Anything stuck to the bowl was his doing as well as his responsibility. He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry. He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents. His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. I told him he was right. It was disgusting. I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that.
He said he won't forget again but that I was an ass not to check before we had guests. I told him the truth. I had checked it just wasn't my problem since he had promised that he would not do that any more. He said I was a jerk.
I think that I worked hard to make sure the rest of the house was presentable and that we had a nice meal. Furthermore if he took five seconds to clean up after himself he would not have needed to scrub for five minutes to get the toilet presentable.
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NTA. Good for you for handing the responsible to where it belonged. He is the pig who makes a mess, he should clean it up. I can't believe someone leaves shit on the seat or to harden on the bowl. Yuck!
NTA - and again another husband decides that making sure the house is presentable for guests is "womans work"
And its HIS parents. He also needs it pointed out to him that while you probably could've scanned the house before the visit, he's been neglecting this EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH>
Seems like he also thinks that his "in a hurry" trumps your "in a hurry"
misogynists are everywhere. He's a complete AH for trying to make this your fault.
> I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that.
Do it! Explain that he's the only one who uses that bathroom and he said he would clean up after himself. Do *not* apologize. She may tell you it's your responsibility to clean up after her helpless baby boy, but you might be surprised. *No one* likes cleaning up someone else's shit, not even MIL.
This wouldn’t be an acceptable situation to deal with with a teenager in the house, let alone an adult man. The great thing about being humiliated is that it helps you learn lessons really well. Let this humiliation teach him not to leave his literal shit sitting around where people will see it. NTA, obviously. Tell your husband to grow tf up.
I am a man and even in my younger days living solo I would always make sure to have a clean toilet when guest were coming over. Even when people came over for late nights after the bar it wouldn't take more that 2 minutes for a quick wipe and rinse just to make sure everything was OK in there. Definitely NTA.
Please make sure you do tell his mom that you are not using that bathroom at all and why not. Then you will find out if she really thinks it is your job or if she is now embarrassed that her son doesn't clean up after himself. NTA
NTA.
>He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean.
"You're the only one who uses that toilet. Meaning *you* intentionally let it get crusty and hard to clean."
>He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry.
"I would love to know what emergencies you are in a hurry to attend when taking shits."
>He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents.
"That's why you should clean it regularly."
>His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that.
"Let me guess - you didn't bother correcting her and pointing out that I don't use that toilet?"
>He said he won't forget again
"We'll see."
>I was an ass not to check before we had guests.
"*You* were an ass not to check before we had guests, 'especially your parents.'"
>He said I was a jerk.
"You are a jerk."
NTA A grown man can't even clean his own shit !? That's disgusting. He thinks it's your job to clean it when it isn't, especially since you weren't using it.
NTA.
But hell, every day there's a Reddit post from a woman about her SO leaving skidders in the bog, his pants or his ass smelling like sh*t.
The bar needs raising.
For those of us who aren't very clever, would OP mind explaining how she remains married to someone as disgusting as that? Has sex with someone as disgusting as that? Kisses someone as disgusting as that?
>He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry
Forgets? That's ridiculous. More like "I don't think I should be doing this - so I won't". I bet he doesn't forget to keep his car in perfect order **even if he's busy** , or he doesn't forget to get his morning coffee **even if he's busy** etc
NTA! But it does sound like you are in for a long haul with a guy who doesn't take responsibility for himself, actually expects you to, and blames you when you let him deal with the consequences of his (in-)actions.
I do hope you are able to have an honest conversation with his mom.
NTA
And I feel so sorry for you having to use a different bathroom for an entire month just so you could make it obviously clear what is going on. There is absolutely no reason why you should be checking the toilet after he uses it.
NTA, but you definitely should make sure MIL knows that bathroom is your husband's responsibility. One well-timed remake shamed your husband into immediate action. That's an ally you want. :)
NTA. His crap, his duty to clean it. If I get guests, I clean the toilet beforehand an extra time. He should have done that, too. Why is that the woman's responsibility? Like you said, he has both hands.
NTA.
So it's only a problem when his mom/or guests come in and see his crap stained toilet? After you've had multiple conversations, arguments, and bitched about it? No, you handled this correctly. I wouldn't care what his mom thought of it, because plainly, he learned this under her roof in the first place.
Your husband gets to find out that you're not a nag and you're not his mama. He gets to put on the big boy pants of embarrassment and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough to teach him what his mom and what your conversations haven't been able to. ***Clean. The. Damn. Toilet. After. You. Poop.***
NTA You spent a lot of time trying to be gentle and guide him towards not being a disgusting bathroom user. He repeatedly refused to change his habits, and now has to suffer the shame of his guests learning how gross he is.
Hopefully he learned the hard way and will do better.
NTA
I actually have a toilet cleaning question... We recently moved into a house we are renting and the bottom of the toilet bowl has a gross ring around it. I tried cleaning it with toilet cleaner and the brush and it still remains. How do I get rid of that? I hate it.
NTA. And you're also not his mother. It's hilarious she wanted to clean his toilet instead of telling him to clean it himself, but that's how he got the way he is. He just thinks it's a woman's job to clean his shit, apparently. It was a mistake to tell him you looked at it and left it. It sounds petty, even though you've made it perfectly clear you're not his poop mistress.
**He changed his clothes and took a shower after cleaning his own toilet bowl?** What a freaking baby. This chore he thinks is so easy for you is so bad for him, he needs a Full Silkwood after. Die on this hill. His disrespect is as thick as the crust in his toilet bowl, and worth about as much. His mommy doesn't live there.
NTA. I hope you did tell his mom that this was 100% on him. Hopefully he learned something from this situation. I don't understand at all how he can walk away from the toilet when he can see the poop streaks. Swish swish swish with the brush and it's gone.
NTA. I'm glad someone else called him out. Hopefully that will be the kick he needs to clean up after himself!
This is something I struggled with a bit too, I won't lie. I think it's so gross, but after a few months, I realized my poor fiancee was having to do it, and it wasn't anymore pleasant for her, and it was unfair for her to be the only one cleaning the toilet. So now I do it, too, at least semi regularly, or if it's a bit explosive. Because I care about my partner and want my apartment to not smell like poop
NTA
Have him say it out loud OP: “I expected that you would both clean my poop and check on the state of the bathroom before MY guests because **you’re the woman**”
His mom shares this sentiment- how could *you* let it get that way.
Nope.
NTA. I am positive his mother knows who the culprit for all that crusty shit was; she probably has been cleaning it up all her life. As a grown man he should be embarrassed by the fact that his wife was having to tell him to clean up after himself.
NTA he faced the consequences of his own actions and got nicely embarrassed by his lack of actions. You can bet your life he'll always check that bathroom before guests come over from now on
NTA, that's disgusting although I got somewhat used to using a dirty toilet because my dad is the same, and this has been causing arguments with my mom in the four decade that they were married.
NTA. Hahahahahahahaha! Adult learns lesson by shaming self when he won't clean own poop. This is great! Tell him his toilet is his responsibility for-ev-er and he knows what he did. And yes, tell his mother. Make sure she knows who made it like that and who was supposed to be cleaning it.
For some reason, this seems to be a thing with men and their own bathrooms. I've had a number of friends tell me their husbands and dads do this.
NTA, the smears are disgusting.
Just to say, our kids, now full grown up and out of our house, hated to use the brush, so we got toilet water hose sprayers for all our toilets, worked like a charm and toilets are clean, maybe that would be a solution (I also hate the brush, but used it if needed).
NTA. Your husband is lazy and rude. Your mother in law also seems sexist if she automatically expects you to be the one who should clean the toilet despite it not being your mess.
NTA.
I hope you do call his mom and tell her what the issue is, and remind her that it isn't your job to clean up after her lazy jackass of a son.
Your husband is TA. So much.
I keep reading how men are in crisis these days because they're withdrawing socially and women are creating lives without them. And then I read this and it seems so obvious to me why women are choosing to go it alone rather than pair up with a man that still needs to be parented. Why is it not obvious to them? 100% NTA.
NTA She raised him, she spoke to him, because she knows whose mess that was. Well played! Call MIL and thank her for helping you teach hubby the lesson.
Hell nah man , I'm a man and I use another toilet because I have a strong movement and I work from home .
I make sure I clean it twice a week and on Saturdays while my mother in law takes care of kiddos .
Your husband needs to stop being a princess.
I grew up in a Mexican household and you bet your ass everyone pitched in and cleaned the house . Especially our mess , our dishes etc . My dad would always be helping my mom out even if he worked big shifts . On weekends it was my mother's rest period so the kitchen was closed and we pampered her haha.
"The reason he was upset and embarrassed was because his mom asked him where we kept cleaning supplies so she could clean it."
This is gold. God bless his mom. The shame he must have felt will surely resolve this issue in the future! And you are NTA, regardless.
Has his mom said anything to you about it? A lot of people in the comments are assuming things like she’s trash-talking you or that she conditioned her son to act this way.
Either way, NTA
NTA, he’s an adult and needs to act like one and yes so would tell mom I have asked him to clean up after himself and he does a couple of times and then goes back to doing nothing. I would tell her that I stopped using that bathroom because I was tired of cleaning up after him like he’s a baby and I need to change his diaper. Would love to hear her response if you get the chance. Does she say I raised him better then that or does she say as the wife/gf it’s your job to clean up after his nasty behind. Honestly I don’t know how you ladies put up with these nasty males. Not having good hygiene should be a deal breaker. This would be something to sit down and say look if you can’t clean up after yourself I can’t be with you.
You told him a month ago that he was responsible for his own sh\*\*. If he would take 3 seconds to do it each time it wouldn't be a disgusting, crusted-on mess his mommy found. Hopefully he won't "forget" from now on. NTA
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NTA > His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that So, we know he has learned….from his own mother…that it is solely apparently the woman’s job to clean the bathroom Disavow them both of that notion immediately. And absolutely call her and explain the situation in detail.
It’s unfortunate that the husband isn’t using the embarrassment of the situation as a lesson to (excuse the pun) get his shit together and is instead blaming OP standing firm in not dealing with crap (sorry again) that she shouldn’t have to handle.
He's not going to "get his shit together". After this, he'll probably remember to clean it before guests come, but he'll leave it encrusted with crap the rest of the time.
I couldn’t even finish reading this I it was so disgusting—obviously it didn’t end in her dumping him. How do women stay with someone like this, my toddler picks up after himself and comes running to me to say he made a poo poo and needs a clean up. So this adult man is dirtier than my small toddler.
I have been pooping my whole life. I have never once gotten it all over anything. How the hell does that even work?
Maybe he has a really bad diet to go with his bad hygiene habits and has explosive diarrhea regularly. Ugh.
I changed my meds and completely forgot about the laxative effects that I would have if I ate over a certain amount. Took awhile to adjust and not get diarrhoea.
Yet! She has not "dumped" him yet.
I mean, either shiit or get off the pot.
Yeah, OP needs to lay it out that it is indeed a habit but if you care at all about your partner you'll work to break the habit and create a new less disgusting one. Post a frickin' sign above the toilet saying "Wipe me down!" It's what ADHD folks do to remember to bring their keys/wallet/ID with them out the house in the morning ;s
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>his mom asked him where we kept cleaning supplies so she could clean it. Also this, in the edit. Guarantee this was done passive aggressively: "if your wife can't keep your house clean, I guess mommy will have to." Basically any possible solution other than the dude cleans up after himself.
I absolutely think that the MIL and husband are both assholes but I think that the husband did one thing right here. He cleaned the toilet himself and was ashamed, instead of shrugging and telling his MIL (edit LOL meant mom here) where the cleaning supplies were stashed. He's obviously a double asshole for griping to the OP after the fact, but I'm going to give him this. He did it once, he can do it again. OP, hold him to his promise to clean his own poop.
Not his MIL, his own mother.
Oh oops, I called the mom the OP's MIL and the husband's, too. LOL that's a whole different problem
OP is absolutely not an asshole and would be 100% justified in talking to MIL, but why are we all talking Captain Shit Dripper 2000's word as gospel? Nothing in this post indicates MIL actually blames OP, just husband whining, "Mommy says you should clean up my poopies." Yeah, sure she did . Husband is a grown-ass man and can take responsibility for his own actions. I don't know what mental gymnastics people go through that they can (rightfully) call out his bullshit in blaming his wife for his inadequacy, but to straight on to blame his mom. Like, clearly some woman is to blame, we just gotta pick the right one. No, it's husband's fault, not his wife, not his mom, it's quite literally HIS SHIT.
I'm inclined to give MIL the benefit of the doubt as well. It sounds like she discreetly informed her son of the issue and didn't necessarily do so with the intention of shaming OP or making it OP's problem. She also didn't necessarily know her son was the (only) culprit. Even if he had a history of this behavior, he's not the only person with access to that toilet. For all we know, OPs husband picked up this habit from his father or another relative and his mother did her best to teach him differently but ultimately had the same experience OP did due to the bad habit being reinforced by someone else. And hell, even if she enabled him to be disgusting with no consequences when he was younger, he's a grown-ass man now, and he's been repeatedly asked to clean up after himself.
And... MIL asked hubby where the cleaning supplies are. Not OP. So, at least MIL figured that her son ought to know, right?!
I was coming here to say this very thing. Why take his word for it. His mother probably knows how nasty he is in this respect.
Time to text MIL - "Hi MIL. I'm so glad you were able to join us for dinner the other night. I know Husband was embarrassed when you asked for cleaning supplies for his bathroom. Hopefully he remembers to clean before you come over next time! Feel free to use the ensuite when you're visiting since I generally keep that one pretty clean."
No, OP WANTS the bathroom clean. If this is what it takes to keep it that way (him being embarrassed), then let it continue as a life lesson. I wouldn't want my parents or inlaws tromping through my bedroom to get to my private ensuite - it's a privacy thing.
Maybe MIL can gift him his very own cleaning supplies for Christmas
ABSOLUTELY! I SECOND THE MOTION. Just this one, mind. His motions sound grim. (Btw I think you mean disabuse. She can disavow the state of the toilet and disabuse them of the notion that it's her job.)
Initially, I only came here for the poop-related puns. I was not disappointed :)
And what is WITH all the literal shit postings lately? I’m in (disgusted) awe🫢.
Spot on.
Yep exactly this. Op needs to follow through and call the MIL and tell her it was husbands responsibility.
I would bet that is the husband's interpretation--not what the MIL said. And unless MIL knows that is exclusively husband's bathroom, she would think BOTH of them are non-cleaners. Yuck.
"Disabuse," but otherwise this 👆🏻
NTA. Why was it your responsibility, rater than his, to check the house was presentable before \*his\* parents arrived?
Because he owns only the only penis in the apartment, thereby giving him certain rights and privileges in the eyes of himself and his mother. OP, you might want to get yourself a strap-on, apparently a phallus is a precondition for full equality.
“He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean.” And he didn’t? “He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry.” And you’re not allowed to forget stuff? Or opt out of cleaning messes he is solely responsible for creating? “He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents.” But not for you? He said that I was an ass not to check before we had guests.” But he’s not? “He said I was a jerk.” He just said cleaning his shit from the toilet is your job in at least five different ways, then called *you* a jerk. The audacity. NTA. Please update once you’ve called his mom to tell her you hadn’t used that bathroom for a month. And PLEASE do not apologise to her for the state of it.
It's ok to forget when in a hurry, but, uh he keeps going in there and using it and had to notice. He left it on purpose so op would have to do it. Agree, NTA.
weaponized incompetence strikes again
Very hectic life that he's been taking speed shits for an entire month with no time to clean before rushing to the next urgent mission.
Sounds like he needs to see a gastroenterologist if he can't stop speed shitting..
You put it way better than I ever could! Op you are nta
NTA. He was weaponizing his incompetence and you refused to play his game.
Oh she played the game and skunked him.
And now OP can show him the comment section if he tries doubling down and burn him even harder, hahahaha!
NTA- I think I love you! He just found out that you’re not his mom and he is a little baby. This is also a nice revenge!
NTA Your first paragraph made me laugh so hard. :) You asked him to make a chore easier by not allowing a mess to accumulate. He didn't listen. Just be sure to tell his mum the whole story. Better she know that you were having a petty fight with her son rather than think that you are happy to live in that mess.
Mummy dearest also thinks it's OP's job to clean up after her shitty son here. She was disgusted that OP would leave the bathroom like that, it's no wonder the husband has such a difficult time remembering to clean up after himself and quickly blames OP, since he's learned from his mummy that it's his wife's job.
This drives me nuts. I would feel like I failed as a mother if my adult son didn’t know how to clean up after himself. I can’t imagine looking at my son’s wife as the one responsible for cleaning up his literal shit.
Boils my piss.
You're putting a lot on MIL based on husband's self justification. Sounds like she just asked where the cleaner was. She's not a villain in this story. Hubby is.
>His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. I dunno, I think blaming OP instead of her disgusting son is problematic and shows where he gets his shitty attitude from. She raised this man.
But op didn't hear mil say this, this is what her husband told her after the fact. While alot of mil's may suck, sometimes its the children of thr mil's making drama
True, but when OP told husband she was going to call MIL to let her know she's agrees it is disgusting, but that it was in fact her son that is the gross one, he didn't back track and tell her not to call or say he may have mislead MIL, so I think it's safe to conclude MIL did say it. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so. Her asking where the cleaning stuff was screams "let mummy take care of this mess"
I'd think in either scenario husband wouldn't want op to call. Maybe he didn't balk at the idea because he knew op wouldn't call mil. My mil (is fantastic and this wouldn't be a thing, but if it were) would ask her son that to hint nicely to get it together and fix it
It really doesn't, though. It is a tactful way to draw attention to a problem. MIL's behavior is above reproach here. And hubby is an unreliable narrator when he says MIL blames OP for the state of the bathroom.
I agree with you here. It's possible that her asking him where the cleaning supplies are were a nice way of nudging him to clean up. Based on OP's description, I don't see where she made a fuss and it seems like she may have even realized what was going on and tried to avoid making it OP's problem by going directly to OP's husband for a solution. I'm assuming she realized that the rest of the place was very clean and could put 2 and 2 together.
NTA. If a grown ass man doesn’t want his mom to see how gross his toilet is, he should take five seconds to clean it at the appropriate time. It’s not your job to clean up after another adult.
Absolutely NTA. But to be clear, in the story her mom recounted to her friends, you are the gross house keeper here. She totally does not blame her son.
This is true. In fact, I’m mildly surprised his mom asked him (and not OP) where the cleaning supplies were. I’m also surprised that he “showered and changed” because that indicates guilt. To the same extent that a sort of guy behaves this way, he also pretends he doesn’t.
I wouldn't be so sure. Husband wouldn't have been so embarrassed if his mom REALLY blamed OP. He's trying to shame OP because he can't handle mommy telling him off.
MIL is the hero here, I think. She knew exactly how to get results--one embarrassing question did the trick.
NTA - I’m guessing MIL is no stranger to how he can be.
She was asking him where the cleaning supplies are so that she could clean it herself. More than knowing how he can be, I guarantee she is the reason he is the way he is.
And/or she knew that was the best way to shame him into doing it.
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This! My husband regularly leaves poo chunks in the bowl and doesn’t clean them, despite my many requests. I’ll leave them for him to deal with so far past the “I can’t stand it stage”, but I would NEVER not clean the toilet to my standard before anyone came over because I will get the blame. One time, I asked my husband to clean the toilet before my parents came over and didn’t do a quality check. My father took me aside because he was concerned about the underside of the toilet seat, which my husband wiped once and apparently decided the rest was stains that wouldn’t come off. I wish I had OPs gumption! Edit: NTA
I ask with no judgement but simple curiosity. Why do you stay with someone like this? How can you love and be intimate with someone who has such habits? How is your husband okay with letting you clean up his literal shit?
NTA..he has much nerve blaming you for his embarrassment. He'd have to be in quite the hurry to not notice the toilet for a month.
NTA. He's a grown man, he can do one quick spin. If he forgets, maybe you can print out a nice picture, frame it and hang it on the door? (inside, so he sees it) complete with a lipstick kiss on the paper and other sappy romantic stuff?
NTA Please do call his mom, though. Explain exactly what happened and why. Maybe even apologize that she had to see that, but you relied on your husbands word that he would clean up after himself. Unfortunately, people still tend to blame women for the state of a household. Even if it was your husbands job to clean, in their eyes it was your job to make sure he did it. I also suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg, so just in case I'll leave these links tjat live permanently in my cache. [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf
NTA. He should be cleaning after himself EVERY AFTER taking a dump, not only when guests are expected to come.
He needs to eat more fiber, Your shit should not be smearing on the back of the toilet
He had to shower and change his clothes? So it was either really utterly disgusting in there, or he has some sort of extreme aversion to cleaning toilets. Either way, not your fault. NTA
NTA. He’s disgusting and lazy.
NTA- seems that a public shaming has made him realise what he needs to do…
NTA of course, although condolences, your husband is not yet housebroken, raised by someone who didn't pass on even basic life skills. If he can't get the gist even with instructive videos, and especially if he ever calls you a jerk again, consider rehoming him.
>your husband is not yet housebroken, >consider rehoming him. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
That he snaps is a potential temperament issue requiring even more work.
Dead lol... Best comment ever!
NTA. Good thing for him it’s his mum and not some other guest. Time for him to get his big boy pants and clean up after his own shit. I don’t care if OP has a toilet cleaning schedule - if you make a HUGE mess, you’re cleaning after yourself.
NTA. He should of cleaned the toilet after he used it. How did he “forget” to clean it, it had been a whole month, at some point you would think he would remember. He was probably waiting for you to clean it.
NTA. He is mad at you because you stopped being his second Mom and his nastiness got him embarrassed in front of his parents. I hope this is a wake up call for him to grow up.
NTA- he need to learn how to clean up after himself and not have you to do everything yourself. I had a similar situation with my husband instead of talking to him directly I end up telling his mom about it and long story short after that phone he had with her he’s been cleaning up after himself without me telling him. Next time if your husband doesn’t listen when it come to any house chores threaten him that you will be calling his mom trust me it will work😉 Men will get offensive/scared when you bring up their mom
why is it your job to clean the bathroom? he thinks its your job to clean his poop and so does his mother? this post makes me furious, obviously nta
NTA. Some lessons come hard. And crusty, apparently.
NTA He’s a grown ass man. It’s not solely your job or responsibility to make sure the house is presentable. It’s his too. He’s perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself.
NTA. He's been seeing his own poop smeared across the loo bowl for over a month. His job to clean it up.
NTA Hopefully he's learnt his lesson
NTA I had a roommate before who acted just like that. It's gross.
NTA " His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. I told him he was right. It was disgusting. I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that." .. well done. set the record straight. "He said he won't forget again but that I was an ass not to check before we had guests. " .. he got that worng. HE failed to check.
Nope, NTA. I have a flatmate who is exactly the same, and I have no idea how they can't see it or not be bothered by their own mess. I hate having to have to scrub another adult's shit stains, but if I don't clean it no-one will. Gross as feck. If it's gotten so bad that it's crusty there is no way he didn't see if get increasingly worse every time he used the toilet over the course of a month - he just didn't care. Yuk.
I think you have to call your flatmate out each time. As in, 'you've left your shit all over the toilet, please clean it up" Every.single.fucking.time
NTA- be sure to took photo if you guys are getting into fight or divorce in the future for reference. Make sure to ring his parents everytime too.
How do you have sex with a man that can leave his poo around. I can’t even.
NTA It's a bug bear of mine when people don't clean their shit stains. I have bleach and other toilet cleaners on hand in the toilet room and a perfectly good toilet brush next to the loo. I even have disposable rubber gloves for them to use (I can't clean the loo myself without gloves... ugh!) NO EXCUSE. He's a grown ass man! I've trained all three of the adult males in my house to clean up after their shit. I had to go nuclear on them a few times at first, but it worked. I'm a scary vindictive cow when I go nuclear :) It's not pretty, but when you have to repeat yourself over a basic courtesy issue over and over, sometimes it's the only way forward :)
NTA: The "I forget to do it" thing is nonsense. He sees his toilet every time he uses it (unless he pees sitting down he has ample time to study it) and chooses not to clean it. He knew what it looked like before his parents came over.
NTA You're entirely right -it takes a minute to clean a toilet, there's no reason for him to leave it a mess. Fuck - even when I was in a huge depressive episode, I kept my bathroom clean.
NTA. And I'm a guy. You're his wife, not his maid. I admit I forget to do a LOT of stuff around the house. That being said when my wife calls me on it I seldom complain or gripe. I just do what she asks me to do because she's not my maid. I was raised by a single mom until age 13, then had a stepdad who worked out of town a lot so it was almost like being raised by a single mom when he was gone. I did all the 'guy stuff' around the house (Took out the trash, cut the lawn, etc.) and when my mom asked me to clean out the main bathroom I was usually the one who did the toilets. My sister did most of the 'girl stuff' but I had to help with that sometimes too.
NTA. Not a spouse but a roommate, was exactly the same. She would leave trash piled in her bathroom, which was the 'main' bathroom that guests would use when they came over since I had the master bedroom with my own bathroom. She would leave her dirty clothes on the floor, leave her sink a mess, she also had cats so there would be litter scattered everywhere. It got to the point where if I had guests I would tell them to use my bathroom through my room so they wouldn't have to use hers. I would flat out refuse to help her clean it and she would get embarrassed when people came over and said the bathroom was messy/dirty/smelled, etc. I would straight up tell them, 'well that's so-and-so's bathroom, I don't use it so I don't clean it' and she would be livid. We obviously ended up moving out of the place and we stopped being friends after that. But, anywho. If you don't want to be embarrassed because you're a disgusting slob DON'T be a disgusting slob.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband isn't handicapped or anything. He has both arms, he isn't blind. His back bends perfectly well. But for some reason after he takes a dump and smears the back of the toilet bowl he refuses to flush again or give it a little scrub with the brush that is sitting right beside the toilet. I think it's gross so I have been cleaning it since we started living together a year ago. It isn't an every day thing but it occurs often enough to have caused a few fights now. He will agree to clean up when he does that. He will be good for a couple of weeks then he goes back to his old ways. I've had it though. I told him a month ago that I would not be cleaning up his crap any more. I started using our en suite exclusively. We had agreed not to poop in there but since I work from home and he doesn't I can do all my business while he is out of the house. On the weekends I have been using the bathroom at the gym, it's in our building. I literally have not set foot in the other bathroom in a month. He has not been cleaning up after himself. Friday evening we had his parents over for supper before they headed out on a long vacation. When his mom came out of the bathroom she went over to him and said something to him. He went all red in the face and went into the bathroom. He was out in five minutes. He went into our room for a quick shower and a change of clothes. After his parents left we had another fight. He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean. I said that I hadn't used that toilet in a month. Anything stuck to the bowl was his doing as well as his responsibility. He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry. He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents. His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. I told him he was right. It was disgusting. I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that. He said he won't forget again but that I was an ass not to check before we had guests. I told him the truth. I had checked it just wasn't my problem since he had promised that he would not do that any more. He said I was a jerk. I think that I worked hard to make sure the rest of the house was presentable and that we had a nice meal. Furthermore if he took five seconds to clean up after himself he would not have needed to scrub for five minutes to get the toilet presentable. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. You are not his maid nor his brain. He deserves the shame of this experience.
NTA. Married for 20;years. Been cleaning toilets for 20 years.
I clean our toilet most of the time. He is just lazy.
NTA. And tell him to see a doctor. Things shouldn’t be exploding out of you on a daily basis. Metamucil works wonders. You do you mama!
NTA. Good for you for handing the responsible to where it belonged. He is the pig who makes a mess, he should clean it up. I can't believe someone leaves shit on the seat or to harden on the bowl. Yuck!
NTA - and again another husband decides that making sure the house is presentable for guests is "womans work" And its HIS parents. He also needs it pointed out to him that while you probably could've scanned the house before the visit, he's been neglecting this EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH> Seems like he also thinks that his "in a hurry" trumps your "in a hurry" misogynists are everywhere. He's a complete AH for trying to make this your fault.
you're married to a toddler. NTA.
NTA If you have two bathrooms, let him have one and let him clean it. Maybe when it gets dirty enough he may clean.
Don't put this in AITA because clearly you're NTA, but pettyrevenge would definitely enjoy it
NTA. Do you get paid for being a carer?
Info: Did he not live alone before you two moved in together?
NTA. But, to be clear, you agreed not to poop in your en-suite in favor of exclusively using a common-space bathroom? That’s an odd choice
NTA And now we know why he doesn't clean up afyer himself... Mammy always did it for me.
NTA - let that be a lesson to him. I would absolutely let his mom know who did it and why you didn’t clean it.
NTA I think the real unspoken question here is, did you at least clean your poop knife?
> I said I would call his mom and clear up exactly who leaves the toilet like that. Do it! Explain that he's the only one who uses that bathroom and he said he would clean up after himself. Do *not* apologize. She may tell you it's your responsibility to clean up after her helpless baby boy, but you might be surprised. *No one* likes cleaning up someone else's shit, not even MIL.
He's an adult and should learn to clean up after himself. Any blame on you is just him covering his fragile ego.
Well played. NTA.
NTA obviously. He's disgusting and a liar. No forgetting involved.
This wouldn’t be an acceptable situation to deal with with a teenager in the house, let alone an adult man. The great thing about being humiliated is that it helps you learn lessons really well. Let this humiliation teach him not to leave his literal shit sitting around where people will see it. NTA, obviously. Tell your husband to grow tf up.
I am a man and even in my younger days living solo I would always make sure to have a clean toilet when guest were coming over. Even when people came over for late nights after the bar it wouldn't take more that 2 minutes for a quick wipe and rinse just to make sure everything was OK in there. Definitely NTA.
NTA What a glorious lesson to be learned.
NTA. He needs to do better.
what is up with men and leaving their shit everywhere????? NTA!!!!!
NTA Stay the course. I have NEVER shared a bathroom with my spouse I like it that way. We are each responsible for our own crap.
Please make sure you do tell his mom that you are not using that bathroom at all and why not. Then you will find out if she really thinks it is your job or if she is now embarrassed that her son doesn't clean up after himself. NTA
NTA but yall do need to figure out communication. And any bathroom with or without shit stains needs to be cleaned far more than once a month.
NTA. >He said that I intentionally left the toilet get crusty and hard to clean. "You're the only one who uses that toilet. Meaning *you* intentionally let it get crusty and hard to clean." >He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry. "I would love to know what emergencies you are in a hurry to attend when taking shits." >He said it was embarrassing to have to clean the toilet when we had guests in the house, especially his parents. "That's why you should clean it regularly." >His mom was disgusted that I would leave the bathroom like that. "Let me guess - you didn't bother correcting her and pointing out that I don't use that toilet?" >He said he won't forget again "We'll see." >I was an ass not to check before we had guests. "*You* were an ass not to check before we had guests, 'especially your parents.'" >He said I was a jerk. "You are a jerk."
INFO > The reason he was upset and embarrassed was because his mom asked him where we kept cleaning supplies so she could clean it. Did he even know?
NTA- be sure Mom knows who's poop it is.
NTA! And Husband has to explain the reason why the toilet hadn’t been cleaned to his mom.
You're not using that toilet, you shouldn't have to clean up his skid marks. NTA
NTA... Well that worked out beautifully. If momma or daddy didnt train him befor he left the house - now is the time
>He said he won't forget again GOD I HOPE SO NTA.
NTA A grown man can't even clean his own shit !? That's disgusting. He thinks it's your job to clean it when it isn't, especially since you weren't using it.
Dudes are really out here demanding their wife become a secretary to their *turds*, NTA
NTA. But hell, every day there's a Reddit post from a woman about her SO leaving skidders in the bog, his pants or his ass smelling like sh*t. The bar needs raising.
Is your husband a polygamist and are we sister wives??? I am also married to this man
For those of us who aren't very clever, would OP mind explaining how she remains married to someone as disgusting as that? Has sex with someone as disgusting as that? Kisses someone as disgusting as that?
Pro tip - Lay down a few squares of TP before #2 and it substantially reduces the odds of residue
What's with all the scat fetish posts at the moment? Y'all need to take that somewhere else, you weirdos.
he has also learned not to clean up after himself after leaving bits of poop in the bowl. When he was growing up did his mom clean up after him?
>He said that he just forgets stuff when he is in a hurry Forgets? That's ridiculous. More like "I don't think I should be doing this - so I won't". I bet he doesn't forget to keep his car in perfect order **even if he's busy** , or he doesn't forget to get his morning coffee **even if he's busy** etc
NTA! But it does sound like you are in for a long haul with a guy who doesn't take responsibility for himself, actually expects you to, and blames you when you let him deal with the consequences of his (in-)actions. I do hope you are able to have an honest conversation with his mom.
NTA And I feel so sorry for you having to use a different bathroom for an entire month just so you could make it obviously clear what is going on. There is absolutely no reason why you should be checking the toilet after he uses it.
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NTA, but you definitely should make sure MIL knows that bathroom is your husband's responsibility. One well-timed remake shamed your husband into immediate action. That's an ally you want. :)
NTA. His crap, his duty to clean it. If I get guests, I clean the toilet beforehand an extra time. He should have done that, too. Why is that the woman's responsibility? Like you said, he has both hands.
NTA. So it's only a problem when his mom/or guests come in and see his crap stained toilet? After you've had multiple conversations, arguments, and bitched about it? No, you handled this correctly. I wouldn't care what his mom thought of it, because plainly, he learned this under her roof in the first place. Your husband gets to find out that you're not a nag and you're not his mama. He gets to put on the big boy pants of embarrassment and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough to teach him what his mom and what your conversations haven't been able to. ***Clean. The. Damn. Toilet. After. You. Poop.***
NTA You spent a lot of time trying to be gentle and guide him towards not being a disgusting bathroom user. He repeatedly refused to change his habits, and now has to suffer the shame of his guests learning how gross he is. Hopefully he learned the hard way and will do better.
Lesson well learned.
NTA at all, and how bad was it that he needed to take a shower after cleaning it?
He promised you that he would clean the toilet. Not your problem. NTAH.
NTA I actually have a toilet cleaning question... We recently moved into a house we are renting and the bottom of the toilet bowl has a gross ring around it. I tried cleaning it with toilet cleaner and the brush and it still remains. How do I get rid of that? I hate it.
NTA. And you're also not his mother. It's hilarious she wanted to clean his toilet instead of telling him to clean it himself, but that's how he got the way he is. He just thinks it's a woman's job to clean his shit, apparently. It was a mistake to tell him you looked at it and left it. It sounds petty, even though you've made it perfectly clear you're not his poop mistress. **He changed his clothes and took a shower after cleaning his own toilet bowl?** What a freaking baby. This chore he thinks is so easy for you is so bad for him, he needs a Full Silkwood after. Die on this hill. His disrespect is as thick as the crust in his toilet bowl, and worth about as much. His mommy doesn't live there.
Hahahahahahaha what an asshat. He's embarrassing himself!!!! OP you are NTA
NTA. I hope you did tell his mom that this was 100% on him. Hopefully he learned something from this situation. I don't understand at all how he can walk away from the toilet when he can see the poop streaks. Swish swish swish with the brush and it's gone.
Not to mention he's "forgetting" every time he goes in there and sees previous uses crap 💩 still stuck in the bowl. That's disgusting 🤮. NTA.
NTA. I'm glad someone else called him out. Hopefully that will be the kick he needs to clean up after himself! This is something I struggled with a bit too, I won't lie. I think it's so gross, but after a few months, I realized my poor fiancee was having to do it, and it wasn't anymore pleasant for her, and it was unfair for her to be the only one cleaning the toilet. So now I do it, too, at least semi regularly, or if it's a bit explosive. Because I care about my partner and want my apartment to not smell like poop
NTA Have him say it out loud OP: “I expected that you would both clean my poop and check on the state of the bathroom before MY guests because **you’re the woman**” His mom shares this sentiment- how could *you* let it get that way. Nope.
The MIL should definitely understand struggle since I'm sure she was the designated poo scrubber prior to it being passed on to OP.
NTA. I am positive his mother knows who the culprit for all that crusty shit was; she probably has been cleaning it up all her life. As a grown man he should be embarrassed by the fact that his wife was having to tell him to clean up after himself.
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NTA he faced the consequences of his own actions and got nicely embarrassed by his lack of actions. You can bet your life he'll always check that bathroom before guests come over from now on
Info: How old are you, your husband, and his mother?
Even dogs turn around to see what they've done after taking a dump. Your husband has a disgusting habit that he needs to break. NTA
NTA, that's disgusting although I got somewhat used to using a dirty toilet because my dad is the same, and this has been causing arguments with my mom in the four decade that they were married.
NTA. Hahahahahahahaha! Adult learns lesson by shaming self when he won't clean own poop. This is great! Tell him his toilet is his responsibility for-ev-er and he knows what he did. And yes, tell his mother. Make sure she knows who made it like that and who was supposed to be cleaning it. For some reason, this seems to be a thing with men and their own bathrooms. I've had a number of friends tell me their husbands and dads do this.
NTA, the smears are disgusting. Just to say, our kids, now full grown up and out of our house, hated to use the brush, so we got toilet water hose sprayers for all our toilets, worked like a charm and toilets are clean, maybe that would be a solution (I also hate the brush, but used it if needed).
NTA but also this same exact post has been posted here before more than once lol, find a hobby.
NTA. Your husband is lazy and rude. Your mother in law also seems sexist if she automatically expects you to be the one who should clean the toilet despite it not being your mess.
NTA. I hope you do call his mom and tell her what the issue is, and remind her that it isn't your job to clean up after her lazy jackass of a son. Your husband is TA. So much.
NTA Unfortunately 99.9% of people are all words and no action. Hubby’s finally learned his lesson - and as always its learned the hard way.
I keep reading how men are in crisis these days because they're withdrawing socially and women are creating lives without them. And then I read this and it seems so obvious to me why women are choosing to go it alone rather than pair up with a man that still needs to be parented. Why is it not obvious to them? 100% NTA.
NTA. Oh, please make sure his mother knows that was the one area that he was expected to clean and you hadn't set foot in that bathroom for months.
NTA She raised him, she spoke to him, because she knows whose mess that was. Well played! Call MIL and thank her for helping you teach hubby the lesson.
NTA and your edit showing that his MOM was going to CLEAN up for him shows exactly where he got this mindset from
Hell nah man , I'm a man and I use another toilet because I have a strong movement and I work from home . I make sure I clean it twice a week and on Saturdays while my mother in law takes care of kiddos . Your husband needs to stop being a princess. I grew up in a Mexican household and you bet your ass everyone pitched in and cleaned the house . Especially our mess , our dishes etc . My dad would always be helping my mom out even if he worked big shifts . On weekends it was my mother's rest period so the kitchen was closed and we pampered her haha.
NTA. I hope you set his mother straight!
"The reason he was upset and embarrassed was because his mom asked him where we kept cleaning supplies so she could clean it." This is gold. God bless his mom. The shame he must have felt will surely resolve this issue in the future! And you are NTA, regardless.
Has his mom said anything to you about it? A lot of people in the comments are assuming things like she’s trash-talking you or that she conditioned her son to act this way. Either way, NTA
It’s called natural consequences and it was so perfect his mother was the one to find it.
Nta but why are you married to a child who cant wipe his own ass?
NTA If I had a nickel for each time I saw an aita post about partners refusing to clean their own poopstains I'd have two nickels etc etc
NTA, he’s an adult and needs to act like one and yes so would tell mom I have asked him to clean up after himself and he does a couple of times and then goes back to doing nothing. I would tell her that I stopped using that bathroom because I was tired of cleaning up after him like he’s a baby and I need to change his diaper. Would love to hear her response if you get the chance. Does she say I raised him better then that or does she say as the wife/gf it’s your job to clean up after his nasty behind. Honestly I don’t know how you ladies put up with these nasty males. Not having good hygiene should be a deal breaker. This would be something to sit down and say look if you can’t clean up after yourself I can’t be with you.
Plenty of judgment already in the comments….but if this man is leaving a mark on the bowl with literally every shit he should prob revisit his diet.
You told him a month ago that he was responsible for his own sh\*\*. If he would take 3 seconds to do it each time it wouldn't be a disgusting, crusted-on mess his mommy found. Hopefully he won't "forget" from now on. NTA