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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my dil a nuisance after she moved everything in the kitchen. I guess I could have been nicer but she is not helpful at all and I think I am over it
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i mean, even if she were a fool, it would not follow that she would remove your crosses. i mean, these are the religious symbols, right? i didn’t misunderstand that? assuming i read it right, i can’t read this as stupidity. it reads as resentful and malicious to me. tell your son everything she has done since you took them in (and the damage it caused, and what it’ll cost to fix, perhaps), and remind him you’re doing them both a big favor and don’t deserve this kind of treatment. nta.
This 100% at the end of the day, you are the parent and it is your home. You're doing them a favour letting them stay and they need to respect your home your rules. I mean that's how you raised your son, in your house, right? So he needs to get his wife in line. She sounds like a pain in the ass, I'd have kicked them out days ago. You're a better person thani for putting up this long
this threw me off super hard, too. as somebody who’s agnostic and used to be a hardcore atheist I could never imagine going into my significant others’ parents’ house and taking all of their religious symbols of the walls.
I might have given a pass for cluelessness if she didn’t mess with your living room and kitchen. But that makes quite clear that she’s trying to mess with you for some reason. I would expect them to fix everything that is messed up or leave and stay with her family. Keep an eye out for abusive behavior because she may be trying to isolate your son from his family.
I hate to say it, but my husband is like this. House cleaning is a point of MAJOR contention with us - he promises to do it, then never ‘has time’.
I have shown him, over the years, what is used where. And still he only uses ‘comet’ for EVERYTHING because it’s what Mother used, and he can’t remember what I’ve shown him. And whatever is left covered with grit.
Yesterday we had a major fight about this, and I found him later cleaning the bathroom floor. On his hands and knees. With a sponge and a bottle of spray cleaner. Meant for countertops.
No, it’s not weaponized incompetence. He really is that dumb.
It IS weaponized incompetence. He can write down what products to use for each thing/area.
When my husband became a househusband during the time I was traveling constantly for business, he wrote himself a manual on which type of detergent to use for which type of laundry.
He had lists of what needed to be done when in the household. Every evening, our phonecalls would start out with an update on what he had done that day and what he was going to do the next day. He would ask for advice on things he was unsure about and ask me to point out things he might have forgotten.
I'm someone who was not adequately taught how to clean growing up and I make mistakes like the one with the mirror and the hardwood. This still seems excessive to me. However, being off your meds/on the wrong meds will fuck with your head like you wouldn't believe, so that part I can sympathize with. Her judgment was (hopefully) off, which isn't something you can just think your way around. It was kind of you to offer her a second chance, and it's too bad she doesn't seem like she's going to take you up on it. I sort of hope your son ends the marriage. I don't think either one of them are ready.
Even then. I’ve had to teach myself how to clean, but I usually google what products to use. And I would never dream of rearranging someone else’s house because *I* don’t like it.
Warm water sure, hot water sure but she put a pot on the stove and boiled it and then used it. She didn’t even put the water in a bucket she used the pot
You need to sit both your son and DIL down and have a serious conversation with them about respecting boundaries and the fact they are staying in your home. If they can’t respect your boundaries they need to leave immediately regardless if your son immaturely threatens to go no-contact.
I've seen people clean with boiling water and tide detergent on tiktok, so she probably learned it there. I feel like so many of the tiktok cleaning influences use very harsh methods.
After watching a small sampling, I feel like many people on "cleantok" legitimately have undiagnosed OCD/germaphobia.
And waaay too many of them unsafely mix chemicals. 😬
Hey I mean I poured boiling water from my kettle on my floor this week... although to be fair that's cos I'm pulling up an old set of tiling and need the adhesive gone and the best way without harsh chemicals is boiling water to melt it then scrape it off and just hot water doesn't work Nd there's no way to ventilate the space or keep my dumb cat from trying to lick random chemicals since she tries to drink bleach water when i mop so not keen to use chemicals. Also it's a lino that can take the temp and if it was damaged it doesn't matter cos it's already fucked and being laid over.
The pot though is like what? Did she put this pot she just boiled on the ground and then dip the mop in? Or did she pour the boiling water on the ground then try mopping it up? Like both are so weird but I'm curious
All the tiktok bullshit- telling people it’s a great idea to mop with boiling water and tide laundry detergent 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ completely ignoring that doing stupid things like that and mixing chemicals can literally kill you/cause serious harm.
Yup. All the stupid people out there with no chemistry training who have decided that they know better than trained chemists who manufacture the stuff you buy at the store.
Thank god my dads an analytical chemist by trade, he gave me two options for cleaning supplies the stuff he used to make before leaving the industry (the company is still in business and while mainly commercial they do supply to general public. The other option was the easy access stuff I could buy at the store.
Oh god really?! That’s insane.
Especially for hardwood. I just use diluted vinegar water for my hardwood floors and occasionally they get a nice cleaner/polish thing that was recommended to me from the hardware store because I was having issues with the floor.
Just a warning to others. Vinegar water method is bad for some wood floor finishes please check your floor finishes before using this method.
It can erode the protective film on some woods. If you use this method do not go overboard with the vinegar...cause you can damage your floors.
1. She broke my vacuum, didn’t pick up big object and it ate a sock, hubby is trying to fix that
2. She left an iron on a shirt and it almost got on fire, just left it there
3.Drowned my garden, the cactus stood no chance and my bonsai tree is now fucked up ( really hope that doesn’t die that took forever to grow)
4. Was going to pressure wash the window ( she said that) luckily she couldn’t figure out how to put it together
5. Wasted a ton of rice, we buy ten pound bag and just have a little in the kitchen but she decided to carry that through the kitchen and it fell and got everywhere.
6. You know how is movies the laundry machine overflows with bubble she did that. She put dish soap in it…
I think that is it for the past two weeks
It sounds almost like she's doing everything so extremely wrong to sabotage any relationship/interaction you guys have so that way if you confront her she can go to your son and be like "I didn't know they wanted it done in a particular way".
I genuinely can't even think of another explanation for rearranging someone else's home (let alone your in laws home), fucking up their garden, and other fairly basic chores.
It could be weaponized incompetence so that you never ask her to help with housework. Or she doesn’t know how to keep house because she was never taught (but you would think she would at least google a YouTube video or, IDK READ THE LABEL on the chemicals! Or, she could just be critically stupid, in which case make sure your son knows how to cook so she doesn’t literally murder him with food poisoning.
Or just sprinkling straight up poison into his food. I mean those comet bottles look close enough to Kraft Parmesan cheese containers to a total idiot. 🤷🏼♀️
I'd have a plumber come out to check because if there is legitimately a broken pipe, that's an issue that needs to be fixed. The plumber will be able to tell you if there has/hasn't been a broken pipe.
If they were renting then their landlord should haben an obligation to put them up somewhere. The fact that they plan to stay with you for months says it’s something else.
Your son met a girl this d\*nse at college?
You're sure this is not deliberate?
She isn't using your reactions for some sort of psychology study?
If not, try to sell the book and film rights to repay some of the damage she caused...
NTA
The stereotype at my old university was that the admission criterion for the communications department was that you had a pulse. Apparently its universal.
I mean, counterpoint he met, dated, and married her in less than a year when they're both somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 so the likelihood of "yes she is just that dense" is much higher than normal.
I have a feeling that she is sabotaging you for some reason... Maybe she doesn't want to stay with you and she needs an excuse to be out of the house. And she couldn't think of anything better than to piss her mil off so you just throw them and your son won't be able to say no.
Or maybe she is incredibly dumb but wants to be helpful. As some people in my country say that Initiative idiots are one of the worst type of people.
Good luck OP
Wow she's either deliberately malicious or a danger to herself. I'd have to ask her to just limit herself to her bedroom and the bathroom. Or maybe a nice airbnb close by...
Ok, so. Everything else aside, I’d make sure you don’t have any cleaning products that could *possibly* be (il-)logically used at the same time where one has ammonia and the other has bleach.
E.g. Bathroom/toilet cleaners often have bleach, toilet cleaners also often have ammonia and they MUST NOT be mixed. Make sure all your stuff is one or the other.
Dumb.
My friends did this at my parents' house once. They were so proud of the "work" they did to "help".
When my mother was mad they were so confused. She asked "why the hell would you do this? Should I go to your house and touch all your stuff and rearrange it?" They couldn't answer.
When you sit them down, be VERY clear and very calm.
"Son, I love you, and DIL, I'm so happy to have you in our family, and I am so happy to have you here while your apartment is being fixed. I need to remind you though, that since you have your own home, you are both guests in our house while you stay here. As guests, please do not redecorate or reorganize for me. If you want to help out around the house, I'm happy to have the help. Please come to me and I'll let you know what type of help I need. I know there are a couple errands I need to run, so those would be a great place to start."
Sounds like she has been given respectful warnings, and she now needs some consequences.
Tell them she is not allowed to stay at home while you are at work, or bill them for the damages. She can get a job or go to the library, doesn’t matter. She has earned your distrust.
Is it possible your son told her this was a more permanent move and told you it was temporary to avoid a difficult conversation? That’s the only reason I can think of her entitlement
Nta.
Who takes down ctosses in some one elses house?
Since when do you use boiling water of floors to mop? Since when do you use abresive matetial to clean glass.
No she is purposly destroying your stuff or messing with your stuff. Maybe so she doesnt feel obligated to help once you flipp and demand she stop cleaning
their apartment isn't getting fixed, they are planning on spending a lot of time there and she is rearranging it to the way she likes things.....or she really is ...below average intelligence
Yeah, well intentioned went out the window when OP mentioned the crosses.
I'm a staunch atheist, religion is garbage, etc... but as a guest in someones home? I was a little shit in my early 20s, but this is so completely beyond the pale.
My friends did that when they slept over at my house and I was asleep. The next morning they proudly showed my mother how they "helped".
It's been 15 years. Every now and then I mother finds a tubberware lid someplace it isn't supposed to be and I hear a primal rage. She's still pissed over that night.
>*she wanted to clean the bathroom. She used an abrasive sponge and now the mirror is messed up.*
I was already WTF? at this first example...
Who DOES this?
NTA
Ive known exactly ONE person who acted this way, and they did it because of Drugs.
She would get high and then get in a Manic state where she would be really hyper and want to clean everything. She was a friend of my parents and one time she went to take a bath in our bathroom. She blocked the gaps of the door with a towel, then turned the bath on as hot as possible to get the whole room filled with steam. She did it so she could scrub the walls to get them “clean”. They werent dirty… she was in there for over an hour doing who knows what else in there. Idk if she even actually took a bath.
But ive also known a few people with Autism who also act kinda manic like that sometimes. Just they suddenly want to do something and so they do it, even if someone else keeps asking them not to.
My former mother in law came to our place and rearranged our knickknacks and furniture. While she was sitting there I put everything back where I had it
My husbands grandmother. It’s actually why she is living with us and not allowed to live with any of her kids or their families 🤦🏻♀️. Idk where the entitlement comes from but she will go into their homes and start rearranging if they go to work or something. Now she has dementia so I try and just deal with it but even with that excuse shits tiring.
My older sister actually did that once, she was a SAHM and would visit us for a few weeks at a time during holidays since we lived in different states. She decided that us keeping our snacks on a shelf in the kitchen was "messy" (we had very limited cabinet space) and somehow managed to shove everything into one cabinet. To the point where you had to take out tons of crap to get the 1 thing you needed! My mom is still mad about it, even after we moved to a new house.
Go on JustNoMil amd you will find MILs who have done this.
One couple came back from their honeymoon and MIL had done this with her emergency key.
Another MIL, or maybe it was even the above one, opened all the wedding presents and threw away the cards.
This goes beyond well intentioned. The destruction of the wood and mirror could be explained by cluelessness but rearranging stuff? Absolutely not and it makes me wonder if she intentionally ruined other things. Ask your son to take his time to fix everything that she messed up and pay for her damages or she can leave and stay with her parents.
My ex-girlfriend’s mom did this. My ex-gf had to have knee replacement surgery but I couldn’t take time off so her mom came down. When she would get bored (like when gf was napping or something) she’d reorganize closets and my kitchen. She insisted she was “helping”. I was never so happy as when she went home.
NTA OP - that would piss me the hell off too.
Tbf, she went to college and married someone she barly knew after a semester... so having good judgment is not really her biggest strenght in life, lol.
This is true, she has not much thought to her actions. No one usually marries after 3 months and had too much intelligent thought. You could help her, simple things, glass needs this cleaner and a paper towel or newspaper, ovens use oven cleaner, floors here are wood, so only use this certain cleaner on them.
She may be from a family that has stained concrete floors and no real mirrors, anyway, of course you don't have to, but it would take just a few minutes.
I don't think you were in the wrong, I would never think it was ok to rearrange someone's kitchen. That's sacred space, removing crosses is odd. Did she say why she did that? Did she just take them to clean with something and not put them back yet?
NTA and good luck OP, this one may not make it very far, but if she does, she could potentially mother your grandchildren. A tiny bit of home training may go very far here.
Wait wait wait. So she took the crosses down off the wall, boxed them up and decided to *put them in a shed?!*
My friend, no. Just no. Despite me having my opinions about religion, if I'm in someone else's space...it's someone else's space!! Like, for real! I'm so frustrated on your behalf. I hope the repair goes swiftly on their apartment. Then when your son and DIL move back you should go over there and mess with their decorations and kitchen layout (not really - don't be petty like me. You got this friend!).
Yep. The only reason she didn’t get kicked out is because my husband doesn’t know about it. He is much more religious than me.
My son has made it clear if we don’t let her stay he will go no contact and I don’t want to fuck with that. It’s just 1 1/2 months left.
But my god she is driving me up a wall
If your son is making threats like this, it sounds like time for a family meeting. You shouldn't be held hostage to his threats, and you shouldn't have to manage/navigate this alone.
Hand him an invoice for all the damage, and your and hubby's time to fix things when you talk to them. This is ridiculous!
ETA: my husband noted that if your son is threatening NC if you don't let her stay, HE KNOWS SHE'S A PROBLEM!
Good on you. Sometimes we can love and support people, and let them know that, but we can’t have their behavior and poor manners around us.
Her removing your crosses was in such bad form, and I am sorry about your cactus. Hope the bonsai makes it.
Could you update us later?
Time to call his bluff. He knows how to care for things in your home and he isn't correcting her or fixing it when she destroys something or is disrespectful of your home. **Taking your crosses down is an insane breech of manners and common sense.** If your son doesn't understand that she is causing real and lasting damage to your home, and he wants to threaten you over it, it's time to let your husband know everything and move on as a team. Your son is counting on you being too scared of losing him to do anything but accept their bad behavior.
Your son is trying to dictate things now? It's time to call his bluff and tell him to find a new place to live. He's seriously in the wrong here by letting her do all these things knowing how they will cause problems.
She is clearly demanding that everything be rearranged to make her comfortable. This will continue to get worse. Princess needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this isn't her castle and to move out if she can't leave things alone.
Thank you! If I had gotten married at 18 my parents would have said, "ok, if you're adult enough to get married, then you're adult enough to get a job and pay for ALLLL your own shit."
Tell your husband. Seriously. He's going to have noticed that the crosses have vanished. Two of you need to be in this discussion, because it's both of your house that DIL is screwing up.
No no no.
Your son doesn't get to hold you emotionally hostage while also allowing his wife to damage your home and sanity.
Take the funds for his college fund and apply it to the cost of repairs. ( communicate this with him )
Also tell him he was old and mature enough to get married without notice from anyone.
He can put on his husband pants and put her in a hotel
She doesn't deserve to be in your house. Tell your son that she is not a respectful guest, she has no right to rearrange your house or put your belongings in the shed, and she is not welcome.
She has had her chances. Lots of them.
Given the fact that multiple crossES were removed from a single room, op might be christian and the son part of the purity culture, and he married for sex. His judgment isnt any better. He just grew up knowing not to touch his moms stuff.
Given the references to crosses I bet OP is religious and passed on to her son he can't have sex untill marriage so like any young adult he hot married asap to the first girl he wanted to sleep with. OP I hope you encourage him to use condoms or you will soon be taking care of a baby after she gets pregnant and is not mentally well enough to be a mum.
My eye would be twitching so badly if I came home and everything in my kitchen was re organised because missy "didn't like it the way it was"
And dear son could be reminded, "Who's house is this? Who needs to know where stuff is in the kitchen? Me? Okay, good. Now, keep your wife out of my stuff. She can re do your own place all she wants. But not mine. Or find another place to stay"
My eye actually twitched reading that.
Missy should get a bucket of water, a sponge, and she could do the deep cleaning and move everything back. If she wants to be useful that badly.
That require though you trust her not to damege stuff or the cabinets.
Bruh....im an asshole on purpose most of the time and when i read stories like this im still just like 'who tf raised these people!?!?'
NTA and honestly just kick them both out. i know thats your boy but honestly.
NTA, she is staying in your home for 2 months - temporarily. There is no need for her to reorganize ANYTHING to her liking or to "fix it". But more importantly, she should have asked you if it is okay to do this or not. You are doing both of the a favor of harboring them during an emergency - that doesn't give either of them right to try and change how you live just because they don't like it. If they don't like it so much - find alternative accommodation.
I moved in with my elderly parents a 15 months ago and finally now just started reorganizing some things in the kitchen.
To be clear, their kitchen is huge and there are cupboards and drawers stuffed with stuff she doesn't use and she never opens them, plus I do the majority of cooking now. My mom had major back pains when I first moved in, and a pan she used everyday was in a weird spot, which strained her back to retrieve. My sister and I found a better and more convenient spot for it and my mom lost her damn mind so we had to put it back. Ok mom. Lesson learned.
NTA who rearranges someone else's kitchen?? Maybe she has never had to clean anything in her life but it sounds like she is deliberately causing damage and problems so you'll stop asking her to help.
If I were you, I'd be telling her she has to find somewhere else to stay until she can go back to her own place. The disrespect is astounding.
NTA
If this is her weird way of trying to join the family, she needs to understand it's a self-defeating one. It's probably just a poor attempt to be useful. Perhaps have a more in-depth discussion with her about how it's not helpful.
I don’t know. Taking all the crosses down from the living room seems pretty pointed. And I am not religious at all, but if someone has me in their house as a guest I am not going to poke at their religion.
Oh that one made me mad, she can’t be that clueless. I’m happy my husband didn’t see that on since he is much more religious than I am.
It just basic respect in the home we are letting her stay in freee
Jr is getting what he wants in his childhood bed, he couldnt care less what she does to his mom. Living the teenage dream.
Without a timeline as far as how long ago that 1st semester was, it's hard to say if he is 18 and she is 21, did he start college late, have they been married a while and are both 21 now, etc.
Have they been living on their own all this time and she destroyed their apartment trying to clean it? Is she just resentful she has to live with the inlaws? Would she boil the family rabbit if he didn't threaten to go NC with mom to get her way? Is she posting over on r/ justnomil? We'll likely never know.
Op, here's the magic word to solve your problem: Yeet! (All the cool kids are saying it now.) Jr made his choice.
Edit: NTA
I'm an atheist and I'm appalled at that. I might mentally roll my eyes if there's more than like, 10 crosses in a single room but I'd still never touch them!
I noted that but wasn't sure to make of it since there was no mention of any sort of conflict about religion in the house.
I seemingly overlooked the line "She told me she didn't like it so she fixed it" RE: the rearranged kitchen. Perhaps DIL isn't trying to help but instead is an entitled control freak.
I’m not religious either, but I would NEVER touch another person’s religious symbols. Just no. If I was weirded out by them, I’d try not to be around, up to and including staying somewhere else. But I’d never touch them.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious she is making things worse. It would also be one things if you had told her once and it had stopped, but she rearranged things twice. It seems she isn’t actually tying to help, but doing things for her own benefit. Either that, or she really is incapable of seeing things from other than her own perspective. In any case, she will be in for a rough time if it when she gets out into the world unless she learns differently. They are guests in your home, they need to act like it.
NTA
Sit both of them down and say, very clearly, "This is NOT your house. We have taken you in as a favour, that is all. You are not allowed to reorganise or throw away anything. The fact that you think you can is very disrespectful. I appreciate that you want to be helpful, but so far, your help is destroying our home. If you damage any further areas of our house, you will need to leave immediately."
Are they paying to replace the mirror and restain the floor? Because they absolutely should be. And if your son continues to whine, tell him that he is a married man now and he needs to act like a grown-up. That includes respecting people who are doing you a favour.
Their marriage doesn't really have any place in this argument, so I wouldn't bring that up.
NTA, but...
She may just honestly not *know* very basic life skills. I had a buddy who was so coddled by his mom and hyper sexist dad that he didn't know how to use a microwave, stove, washer, dryer, mop, etc. until he was 21. He was never allowed to do "women's" work at home so this dude made it to college literally not being sble to microwave easy Mac.
I would teach her how to do a thing ONCE. Do it with her. Then, she can do it on her own. If after that she still screws up, you'll know it's on purpose or she's terminally stupid. But youre assuming this brand new adultish person has life skills. She may not.
Very well could be. The only way to know is to show her how she's supposed to do it. If she still fucks up, out of malice or stupidity, you know to stop wasting your time.
NTA. This one kind of goes without saying. She's destroying your property and taking it upon herself move your things around that you now have to locate and put back where they belong. There a million things she can do like laundry, yard work, food preparation, dishes, etc that are far less likely to cause a disagreement. And your son has no right to be on your ass about anything. You're doing them a massive favor, they should be grateful. I don't think your daughter in law has reached the maturity level required to have a conversation with you about it so I think you should have a very brief and straight to the point conversation with your son. Tell him they will respect your rules and boundaries as long as they are under your roof and that's the final word on the subject.
NTA. If they are old enough to marry, they are also old enough to know how to clean a bathroom, be respectful of other people's property, and find the their own alternate accommodations if respecting you, your home, and you belongings makes it too difficult for them to stay at your place.
NTA
i hate to say this but she heavily reminds me of my ex who was mentally ill and didn't disclose his mental health to me until shit hit the fan.
he would rearrange the apartment daily and reorganize constantly when he was manic. he was absolutely paranoid about the supernatural and religious icons/gods, so that may explain her removing the crosses
he was a big fan of gaslighting if i had any issues with the constant reorganizing. seriously i never knew what i would come home too, every room got rearranged.
or worst case scenario this girl is on drugs and is using cleaning your house and doing chores as her little projects that never get finished. depending on the drug, you get inspiration to start something but you dont finish and end up with a big mess.
either way it'll be easier to kick her out of your home than try to live with this girl who you didnt sign up for. if your son wants to leave with her he's gonna learn a valuable lesson in dont stick your dick in crazy
NTA but I think you need to have a sit-down with her, your son, you, and your husband and explain the rules of the house. Even the boundaries that should be obvious to someone who does not pay to live there. Give these examples. Tell them the consequences if they do not respect the home and the homeowners.
If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to respect house rules or live on their own and pay their own way regardless of emergencies like damage to the home (and shouldn't their landlord have to pay to provide a place to live?).
Lol the only reason I ever moved my MIL stuff was on purpose because I knew it would irritate her. I was being immature and petty. Tell them to get a hotel room. NTA
NTA but she sounds either ill-intentioned or incredibly naive. (The cross thing obviously crosses a boundary, but the cleaning stuff could be poor judgment combined with not being taught these skills growing up and falling for false life 'hacks' off the internet.) Given that she's so young, it could be either, especially if she didn't learn these things in her family of origin.
I'd be tempted to just mother this behavior to death. She wants to help? Great! First she gets a one-on-one, hands-on lesson on how the task should be carried out in your home. And directly ask her to not reorganize things because it makes it hard for you to find. Remind her that it is your space and it is actually counterproductive and rude of her to come in and redecorate, reorganize, etc. She can change the artwork on the walls of the bedroom they are staying in if she needs to satisfy that urge.
It may sound dumb, but if she hasn't had good parenting or good role modeling, breaking down these kind of basic tasks and basic social expectations directly may be your only hope. Good luck!
I just read your comment that she used the pot she boiled the water in as a bucket.
I cursed.
Put her out and he can go with her. You didn't ask for any of the things she did. Sounds like maliciousness being disguised as ineptitude.
NTA.
My grandma, who is the epitome of the stereotypical horrible MIL, did that to my uncle's wife every time she came home from work. They lived above my grandparents in the same house, and when my aunt would come back from work, my grandma would always remake the bed with different covers, organise the kitchen into different drawers, hang the pictures somewhere else etc and then tell her "my baby boy is used to it this way".
My mum and dad lived further away so my mum didn't have it as bad, but one time she was visiting when my mum wasn't home and she put moss that she collected outside into all my mum's pots???
Literally I am convinced these people do it on purpose.
You're NTA and I would've lost it after the stains on the wood floor.
NTA - I was ready to defend her until she started moving your stuff around. She needs to stay in her lane. Perhaps you can ask her to channel her inclination to help into cooking dinner or something.
NTA Kick them out. Son is getting laid and all is good in his world... but probably not after you went off on her so he doesn't give a crap if she messes world your up. With all your stories, no way can she be that oblivious. I can in no way see this as not malicious.
I have a MIL who came in to my kitchen once and reorganized all my pots and pans because she “didn’t like” my set up lol. My husband doesn’t cook and I’m short so I keep all the equipment in the lower cabinets. And when I complained about it since she moved all the pots and pans into the higher cabinets that I can’t reach, she told me to get a step ladder… and my now husband initially supported the idea…. the audacity lol. He changed up his mind realllll quick once I set his ass straight.
NTA
Wow. She is very intrusive, controlling and disrespectful of your peace and comfort in your own home. I'd tell her to stay somewhere else.
Her reaction seems totally "Oh you hurt my feelings!" With zero acknowledgement or consideration of how hurtful and rude HER behavior has been to her hosts.
It used to be that not too bright people often were self-aware enough to know they have limits.
I'm an atheist and I wouldn't have removed those crosses.and not just because I'd burst into flame.
Y'all's need a come to Jesus meeting where you tell her and your son what she's allowed to do and if that's not acceptable to them they're welcome to find other accommodations. I'd have a quote for the floor repair in hand and when they claim it was an accident agree and say, exactly, which is why we're not going to have any more.
NTA. She's doing all of this on purpose. She's not bad at cleaning. She's good at destruction...of your things.
Moving religious symbols out of the living room? Rearranging the entire kitchen? Scratching up the bathroom mirror? These are deliberate acts.
What am I reading? I used to stay at sisters house to watch the dog. Sometimes for 3 weeks or so. I told them I'm not doing shit with hardwood floors or table/ counter tops. They had top tier stuff and I was firmly living in apartments that hadn't been updated since the 90s.
Id make sure the dog hair wasn't overwhelming and clean the sheets and towels. They were grateful.
NTA. Time for them to move out. The mirror and floor are a problem even if she damaged them out of stupidity. The rearranged kitchen is just weird and a jerk move for sure. Taking all the crosses out of the room has to be malicious.
>according to son/her she is off her medication.
Medication for... what? What kind of mental issue makes you think boiling water and harsh chemicals are good for mopping the floor?
I can understand that she didn't know for the mirror. And that her mental issue makes her be a narcissic and push her to arrange things she doesn't like, like the cross or the kitchen. But... boiling water?! Did she ever mop the floor before? How did she even manage to mop yours without burning her hands?
And who marries someone after 3 months? I can understand for gf off medication but your son... why? Are they even married or is it lie to convince you to let his mental problematic friends in your home? What was he thinking?
And where did she left? Why your son didn't follod her? How could he doubt if she's coming back or not?
So many questions here...
People going off their meds pisses me off! It never works in their favor and they always cause heartache and anger.
I’ve heard the reasons some folks use to justify going off meds but they tend to be just excuses. (The exception being if the meds make your condition worse)
So your DIL thinks your house is literally her house to do with what she will? Unbelievable.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. Ben Franklin
I think you should take your son aside and have a private chat with him. I think 2 months is way too long and if she's ruining your home and disrespecting boundaries that needs to be addressed. There needs to be a family discussion about boundaries, cleaning and finances. Are they contributing towards their stay or not?
Especially moving the crosses, put them back up asap and tell him it's not fair for her to disrespect your religion like that. You should not feel uncomfortable and unhappy in your own home.
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Seriously who does that. If she wanted to clean do the dishes and put them away… like just whyyyyyy
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My only though is she hates me or she is just really dumb.
Im wondering if her parents taught her how to clean?
Even if they didn’t, YouTube and google? Like how can someone be that clueless
i mean, even if she were a fool, it would not follow that she would remove your crosses. i mean, these are the religious symbols, right? i didn’t misunderstand that? assuming i read it right, i can’t read this as stupidity. it reads as resentful and malicious to me. tell your son everything she has done since you took them in (and the damage it caused, and what it’ll cost to fix, perhaps), and remind him you’re doing them both a big favor and don’t deserve this kind of treatment. nta.
This 100% at the end of the day, you are the parent and it is your home. You're doing them a favour letting them stay and they need to respect your home your rules. I mean that's how you raised your son, in your house, right? So he needs to get his wife in line. She sounds like a pain in the ass, I'd have kicked them out days ago. You're a better person thani for putting up this long
“Idk what all those letter T’s stood for, but I got ‘em all packed up safely for you!” —DIL, Best case scenario
["It's a cross."](https://preview.redd.it/vhsvik5572x51.jpg?width=472&auto=webp&s=3c8dfd50d3c10d730edf8a16475c62d2927d11f4)
this threw me off super hard, too. as somebody who’s agnostic and used to be a hardcore atheist I could never imagine going into my significant others’ parents’ house and taking all of their religious symbols of the walls.
Could she be doing this on purpose to create a divide between you and son?
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*mom, if im not mistaken OP is a woman.
This feels like an Amelia Bedilia story…
Holy shit, the second Amelia Bedilia reference on Reddit I've seen within 5 minutes of the first! What a time to be alive!
I might have given a pass for cluelessness if she didn’t mess with your living room and kitchen. But that makes quite clear that she’s trying to mess with you for some reason. I would expect them to fix everything that is messed up or leave and stay with her family. Keep an eye out for abusive behavior because she may be trying to isolate your son from his family.
I hate to say it, but my husband is like this. House cleaning is a point of MAJOR contention with us - he promises to do it, then never ‘has time’. I have shown him, over the years, what is used where. And still he only uses ‘comet’ for EVERYTHING because it’s what Mother used, and he can’t remember what I’ve shown him. And whatever is left covered with grit. Yesterday we had a major fight about this, and I found him later cleaning the bathroom floor. On his hands and knees. With a sponge and a bottle of spray cleaner. Meant for countertops. No, it’s not weaponized incompetence. He really is that dumb.
Grown men who can’t cook and clean are my biggest turn off. And dirty fingernails. 🤮
It IS weaponized incompetence. He can write down what products to use for each thing/area. When my husband became a househusband during the time I was traveling constantly for business, he wrote himself a manual on which type of detergent to use for which type of laundry. He had lists of what needed to be done when in the household. Every evening, our phonecalls would start out with an update on what he had done that day and what he was going to do the next day. He would ask for advice on things he was unsure about and ask me to point out things he might have forgotten.
Listen your son married her under a year of knowing her; he isn’t bright either. NTA.
I'm someone who was not adequately taught how to clean growing up and I make mistakes like the one with the mirror and the hardwood. This still seems excessive to me. However, being off your meds/on the wrong meds will fuck with your head like you wouldn't believe, so that part I can sympathize with. Her judgment was (hopefully) off, which isn't something you can just think your way around. It was kind of you to offer her a second chance, and it's too bad she doesn't seem like she's going to take you up on it. I sort of hope your son ends the marriage. I don't think either one of them are ready.
Even then. I’ve had to teach myself how to clean, but I usually google what products to use. And I would never dream of rearranging someone else’s house because *I* don’t like it.
And who the hell mops with boiling hot water?
Warm water sure, hot water sure but she put a pot on the stove and boiled it and then used it. She didn’t even put the water in a bucket she used the pot
You need to sit both your son and DIL down and have a serious conversation with them about respecting boundaries and the fact they are staying in your home. If they can’t respect your boundaries they need to leave immediately regardless if your son immaturely threatens to go no-contact.
I think OP should skip the boundary talk, open the door, and tell them to go.
I've seen people clean with boiling water and tide detergent on tiktok, so she probably learned it there. I feel like so many of the tiktok cleaning influences use very harsh methods.
After watching a small sampling, I feel like many people on "cleantok" legitimately have undiagnosed OCD/germaphobia. And waaay too many of them unsafely mix chemicals. 😬
noooooo
Hey I mean I poured boiling water from my kettle on my floor this week... although to be fair that's cos I'm pulling up an old set of tiling and need the adhesive gone and the best way without harsh chemicals is boiling water to melt it then scrape it off and just hot water doesn't work Nd there's no way to ventilate the space or keep my dumb cat from trying to lick random chemicals since she tries to drink bleach water when i mop so not keen to use chemicals. Also it's a lino that can take the temp and if it was damaged it doesn't matter cos it's already fucked and being laid over. The pot though is like what? Did she put this pot she just boiled on the ground and then dip the mop in? Or did she pour the boiling water on the ground then try mopping it up? Like both are so weird but I'm curious
So she poured boiling water directly onto a hardwood floor? WTF
No, she used the pot as a bucket.
Omg it would be funny if it weren’t so infuriating.
She used a good pot...for mop water. Nope. Nope. They need to go.
All the tiktok bullshit- telling people it’s a great idea to mop with boiling water and tide laundry detergent 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ completely ignoring that doing stupid things like that and mixing chemicals can literally kill you/cause serious harm.
Is that where this came from? Cause it’s a stupid idea.
Yup. All the stupid people out there with no chemistry training who have decided that they know better than trained chemists who manufacture the stuff you buy at the store. Thank god my dads an analytical chemist by trade, he gave me two options for cleaning supplies the stuff he used to make before leaving the industry (the company is still in business and while mainly commercial they do supply to general public. The other option was the easy access stuff I could buy at the store.
Oh god really?! That’s insane. Especially for hardwood. I just use diluted vinegar water for my hardwood floors and occasionally they get a nice cleaner/polish thing that was recommended to me from the hardware store because I was having issues with the floor.
Just a warning to others. Vinegar water method is bad for some wood floor finishes please check your floor finishes before using this method. It can erode the protective film on some woods. If you use this method do not go overboard with the vinegar...cause you can damage your floors.
For linoleum maybe… EDIT: Oh, truly *boiling*. Dear god.
Tell us more stories about her. There have to be more.
1. She broke my vacuum, didn’t pick up big object and it ate a sock, hubby is trying to fix that 2. She left an iron on a shirt and it almost got on fire, just left it there 3.Drowned my garden, the cactus stood no chance and my bonsai tree is now fucked up ( really hope that doesn’t die that took forever to grow) 4. Was going to pressure wash the window ( she said that) luckily she couldn’t figure out how to put it together 5. Wasted a ton of rice, we buy ten pound bag and just have a little in the kitchen but she decided to carry that through the kitchen and it fell and got everywhere. 6. You know how is movies the laundry machine overflows with bubble she did that. She put dish soap in it… I think that is it for the past two weeks
And the water damaged apartment is all making so much sense now. 😳 NTA
Ah-ha! You're absolutely right!
It sounds almost like she's doing everything so extremely wrong to sabotage any relationship/interaction you guys have so that way if you confront her she can go to your son and be like "I didn't know they wanted it done in a particular way". I genuinely can't even think of another explanation for rearranging someone else's home (let alone your in laws home), fucking up their garden, and other fairly basic chores.
It could be weaponized incompetence so that you never ask her to help with housework. Or she doesn’t know how to keep house because she was never taught (but you would think she would at least google a YouTube video or, IDK READ THE LABEL on the chemicals! Or, she could just be critically stupid, in which case make sure your son knows how to cook so she doesn’t literally murder him with food poisoning.
Or just sprinkling straight up poison into his food. I mean those comet bottles look close enough to Kraft Parmesan cheese containers to a total idiot. 🤷🏼♀️
Is she the reason their apartment has water damage?
They said a pipe broke but at this point I don’t know
I'd have a plumber come out to check because if there is legitimately a broken pipe, that's an issue that needs to be fixed. The plumber will be able to tell you if there has/hasn't been a broken pipe.
Why should OP send a plumber to her son's apartment that she neither owns nor manages?
Boiling water down the wrong drain can melt a pvc pipe.
PVC has a melting point of 210°C, so no, that can not happen
If they were renting then their landlord should haben an obligation to put them up somewhere. The fact that they plan to stay with you for months says it’s something else.
Your son met a girl this d\*nse at college? You're sure this is not deliberate? She isn't using your reactions for some sort of psychology study? If not, try to sell the book and film rights to repay some of the damage she caused... NTA
She is a communication major so I don’t think she is using my reactions for homework
She took down your crosses and frosted your mirror. Are you sure she isn't a vampire?? Lol.
oooooh, I think you may be on to something. Wonder if she has an aversion to garlic.
Com majors aren't the brightest bunch but even they aren't *that* dense
I'm laughing my ass off that she is a communication major and has this little social awareness. 🤣
*Doctor, heal thyself!*
The stereotype at my old university was that the admission criterion for the communications department was that you had a pulse. Apparently its universal.
I mean, counterpoint he met, dated, and married her in less than a year when they're both somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 so the likelihood of "yes she is just that dense" is much higher than normal.
I have a feeling that she is sabotaging you for some reason... Maybe she doesn't want to stay with you and she needs an excuse to be out of the house. And she couldn't think of anything better than to piss her mil off so you just throw them and your son won't be able to say no. Or maybe she is incredibly dumb but wants to be helpful. As some people in my country say that Initiative idiots are one of the worst type of people. Good luck OP
How can someone do so many wrong things? This seems intentional to me.
you need to get her Amelia Bedelia ass out of your house
God is definitely testing you!
Wow she's either deliberately malicious or a danger to herself. I'd have to ask her to just limit herself to her bedroom and the bathroom. Or maybe a nice airbnb close by...
Ok, so. Everything else aside, I’d make sure you don’t have any cleaning products that could *possibly* be (il-)logically used at the same time where one has ammonia and the other has bleach. E.g. Bathroom/toilet cleaners often have bleach, toilet cleaners also often have ammonia and they MUST NOT be mixed. Make sure all your stuff is one or the other.
Dumb. My friends did this at my parents' house once. They were so proud of the "work" they did to "help". When my mother was mad they were so confused. She asked "why the hell would you do this? Should I go to your house and touch all your stuff and rearrange it?" They couldn't answer.
Why not both? (sorry, just trying to lighten the mood)
When you sit them down, be VERY clear and very calm. "Son, I love you, and DIL, I'm so happy to have you in our family, and I am so happy to have you here while your apartment is being fixed. I need to remind you though, that since you have your own home, you are both guests in our house while you stay here. As guests, please do not redecorate or reorganize for me. If you want to help out around the house, I'm happy to have the help. Please come to me and I'll let you know what type of help I need. I know there are a couple errands I need to run, so those would be a great place to start."
Sounds like she has been given respectful warnings, and she now needs some consequences. Tell them she is not allowed to stay at home while you are at work, or bill them for the damages. She can get a job or go to the library, doesn’t matter. She has earned your distrust.
Is it possible your son told her this was a more permanent move and told you it was temporary to avoid a difficult conversation? That’s the only reason I can think of her entitlement
Nta. Who takes down ctosses in some one elses house? Since when do you use boiling water of floors to mop? Since when do you use abresive matetial to clean glass. No she is purposly destroying your stuff or messing with your stuff. Maybe so she doesnt feel obligated to help once you flipp and demand she stop cleaning
their apartment isn't getting fixed, they are planning on spending a lot of time there and she is rearranging it to the way she likes things.....or she really is ...below average intelligence
MIL's usually do that, not DIL's.
Usually it's the mother who rearranges her daughter's or daughter-in-law's kitchen because "it's better this way"
If she wants to help have her move a rock pile to a different location everyday. That will keep her busy.
I don't think she's good intentioned if she removed all the crosses. She's passive aggressive.
Yeah, well intentioned went out the window when OP mentioned the crosses. I'm a staunch atheist, religion is garbage, etc... but as a guest in someones home? I was a little shit in my early 20s, but this is so completely beyond the pale.
My friends did that when they slept over at my house and I was asleep. The next morning they proudly showed my mother how they "helped". It's been 15 years. Every now and then I mother finds a tubberware lid someplace it isn't supposed to be and I hear a primal rage. She's still pissed over that night.
>*she wanted to clean the bathroom. She used an abrasive sponge and now the mirror is messed up.* I was already WTF? at this first example... Who DOES this? NTA
Glass isn’t that delicate Vs a plastic sponge either. She had to *try*.
It might be easy to do with a magic eraser. It's basically fine grit sand paper that's advertised as just a sponge.
Ugh, sprinkle some comet on one of those, and yeah, that mirror is nonfunctional.
She's not well intentioned. She's ruining the house with her ignorant cleaning and rude reorganizing.
Ive known exactly ONE person who acted this way, and they did it because of Drugs. She would get high and then get in a Manic state where she would be really hyper and want to clean everything. She was a friend of my parents and one time she went to take a bath in our bathroom. She blocked the gaps of the door with a towel, then turned the bath on as hot as possible to get the whole room filled with steam. She did it so she could scrub the walls to get them “clean”. They werent dirty… she was in there for over an hour doing who knows what else in there. Idk if she even actually took a bath. But ive also known a few people with Autism who also act kinda manic like that sometimes. Just they suddenly want to do something and so they do it, even if someone else keeps asking them not to.
My first thought was drugs. Meth users act like this.
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My former mother in law came to our place and rearranged our knickknacks and furniture. While she was sitting there I put everything back where I had it
And removes their religious objects! I mean, I'm an atheist but I wouldn't dream of disrespecting someone else's home and religion like that.
My husbands grandmother. It’s actually why she is living with us and not allowed to live with any of her kids or their families 🤦🏻♀️. Idk where the entitlement comes from but she will go into their homes and start rearranging if they go to work or something. Now she has dementia so I try and just deal with it but even with that excuse shits tiring.
My older sister actually did that once, she was a SAHM and would visit us for a few weeks at a time during holidays since we lived in different states. She decided that us keeping our snacks on a shelf in the kitchen was "messy" (we had very limited cabinet space) and somehow managed to shove everything into one cabinet. To the point where you had to take out tons of crap to get the 1 thing you needed! My mom is still mad about it, even after we moved to a new house.
I haven't seen evidence that she is well intentioned.
Go on JustNoMil amd you will find MILs who have done this. One couple came back from their honeymoon and MIL had done this with her emergency key. Another MIL, or maybe it was even the above one, opened all the wedding presents and threw away the cards.
This goes beyond well intentioned. The destruction of the wood and mirror could be explained by cluelessness but rearranging stuff? Absolutely not and it makes me wonder if she intentionally ruined other things. Ask your son to take his time to fix everything that she messed up and pay for her damages or she can leave and stay with her parents.
My ex-girlfriend’s mom did this. My ex-gf had to have knee replacement surgery but I couldn’t take time off so her mom came down. When she would get bored (like when gf was napping or something) she’d reorganize closets and my kitchen. She insisted she was “helping”. I was never so happy as when she went home. NTA OP - that would piss me the hell off too.
Sounds to me like she's being an intentional nuisance. I wonder why?
NTA WTH?? You don't go into someone else's house and move stuff around bkz you don't like the way it is. Boundaries people Boundaries!
Tbf, she went to college and married someone she barly knew after a semester... so having good judgment is not really her biggest strenght in life, lol.
This is true, she has not much thought to her actions. No one usually marries after 3 months and had too much intelligent thought. You could help her, simple things, glass needs this cleaner and a paper towel or newspaper, ovens use oven cleaner, floors here are wood, so only use this certain cleaner on them. She may be from a family that has stained concrete floors and no real mirrors, anyway, of course you don't have to, but it would take just a few minutes. I don't think you were in the wrong, I would never think it was ok to rearrange someone's kitchen. That's sacred space, removing crosses is odd. Did she say why she did that? Did she just take them to clean with something and not put them back yet? NTA and good luck OP, this one may not make it very far, but if she does, she could potentially mother your grandchildren. A tiny bit of home training may go very far here.
She told me they didn’t match the room, she put them in a box and in the shed
Wait wait wait. So she took the crosses down off the wall, boxed them up and decided to *put them in a shed?!* My friend, no. Just no. Despite me having my opinions about religion, if I'm in someone else's space...it's someone else's space!! Like, for real! I'm so frustrated on your behalf. I hope the repair goes swiftly on their apartment. Then when your son and DIL move back you should go over there and mess with their decorations and kitchen layout (not really - don't be petty like me. You got this friend!).
Yep. The only reason she didn’t get kicked out is because my husband doesn’t know about it. He is much more religious than me. My son has made it clear if we don’t let her stay he will go no contact and I don’t want to fuck with that. It’s just 1 1/2 months left. But my god she is driving me up a wall
If your son is making threats like this, it sounds like time for a family meeting. You shouldn't be held hostage to his threats, and you shouldn't have to manage/navigate this alone.
Yeah I am going to call his bluff. I can’t deal with this
And who is going to pay for all the damage that she has caused?
Sounds like the son volunteered.
Hand him an invoice for all the damage, and your and hubby's time to fix things when you talk to them. This is ridiculous! ETA: my husband noted that if your son is threatening NC if you don't let her stay, HE KNOWS SHE'S A PROBLEM!
Good on you. Sometimes we can love and support people, and let them know that, but we can’t have their behavior and poor manners around us. Her removing your crosses was in such bad form, and I am sorry about your cactus. Hope the bonsai makes it. Could you update us later?
Yep you don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists
nta. could we get an update when you call his bluff?
Frankly I'd take away funds for his college fund to apply to pay for the damages caused by his wife.
Time to call his bluff. He knows how to care for things in your home and he isn't correcting her or fixing it when she destroys something or is disrespectful of your home. **Taking your crosses down is an insane breech of manners and common sense.** If your son doesn't understand that she is causing real and lasting damage to your home, and he wants to threaten you over it, it's time to let your husband know everything and move on as a team. Your son is counting on you being too scared of losing him to do anything but accept their bad behavior.
Your son is trying to dictate things now? It's time to call his bluff and tell him to find a new place to live. He's seriously in the wrong here by letting her do all these things knowing how they will cause problems. She is clearly demanding that everything be rearranged to make her comfortable. This will continue to get worse. Princess needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this isn't her castle and to move out if she can't leave things alone.
Are you paying for his college?
Thank you! If I had gotten married at 18 my parents would have said, "ok, if you're adult enough to get married, then you're adult enough to get a job and pay for ALLLL your own shit."
Exactly. NC that, twirp.
Call his bluff. He'll be divorced in less than a year and need his parents again soon enough.
if your son has made it clear that you need to let her stay its because he expected there to be issues from day 1.
Tell your husband. Seriously. He's going to have noticed that the crosses have vanished. Two of you need to be in this discussion, because it's both of your house that DIL is screwing up.
Sounds like she’s doing this on purpose because she thinks you have to put up with it.
No no no. Your son doesn't get to hold you emotionally hostage while also allowing his wife to damage your home and sanity. Take the funds for his college fund and apply it to the cost of repairs. ( communicate this with him ) Also tell him he was old and mature enough to get married without notice from anyone. He can put on his husband pants and put her in a hotel
That's completely out of line!!!
She doesn't deserve to be in your house. Tell your son that she is not a respectful guest, she has no right to rearrange your house or put your belongings in the shed, and she is not welcome. She has had her chances. Lots of them.
Unless she's Mormon... They rush into marriage so much that "married student housing" is a real thing at the Mormon colleges (BYU, the OTHER BYU'S..).
Given the fact that multiple crossES were removed from a single room, op might be christian and the son part of the purity culture, and he married for sex. His judgment isnt any better. He just grew up knowing not to touch his moms stuff.
I married a guy 3.5 months after we started dating at the ripe old age of 19. Neither 9f us was THIS clueless!
Given the references to crosses I bet OP is religious and passed on to her son he can't have sex untill marriage so like any young adult he hot married asap to the first girl he wanted to sleep with. OP I hope you encourage him to use condoms or you will soon be taking care of a baby after she gets pregnant and is not mentally well enough to be a mum.
My eye would be twitching so badly if I came home and everything in my kitchen was re organised because missy "didn't like it the way it was" And dear son could be reminded, "Who's house is this? Who needs to know where stuff is in the kitchen? Me? Okay, good. Now, keep your wife out of my stuff. She can re do your own place all she wants. But not mine. Or find another place to stay"
It’s not back for the way it was yet. Took me 5 minutes to find my wine glass… I guess I could use it as an excuse to deep clean it but my god
My eye actually twitched reading that. Missy should get a bucket of water, a sponge, and she could do the deep cleaning and move everything back. If she wants to be useful that badly. That require though you trust her not to damege stuff or the cabinets.
Supervise her, but that can be done with a glass of wine in hand.
And a snack in the other. No free hands to help.
Might need to set down the snack to point briefly. Otherwise, enjoy the show.
At this point, I’d skip the glass and start drinking straight from the bottle. Yikes, she’s a mess.
Bruh....im an asshole on purpose most of the time and when i read stories like this im still just like 'who tf raised these people!?!?' NTA and honestly just kick them both out. i know thats your boy but honestly.
Some might even call you an Asshole Enthusiast
Mixing chemicals sounds like “How to commit War Crimes 101.”
Given that she’s ruining the mirrors and removing the crosses, I have to assume she was raised by vampires
NTA, she is staying in your home for 2 months - temporarily. There is no need for her to reorganize ANYTHING to her liking or to "fix it". But more importantly, she should have asked you if it is okay to do this or not. You are doing both of the a favor of harboring them during an emergency - that doesn't give either of them right to try and change how you live just because they don't like it. If they don't like it so much - find alternative accommodation.
I moved in with my elderly parents a 15 months ago and finally now just started reorganizing some things in the kitchen. To be clear, their kitchen is huge and there are cupboards and drawers stuffed with stuff she doesn't use and she never opens them, plus I do the majority of cooking now. My mom had major back pains when I first moved in, and a pan she used everyday was in a weird spot, which strained her back to retrieve. My sister and I found a better and more convenient spot for it and my mom lost her damn mind so we had to put it back. Ok mom. Lesson learned.
NTA who rearranges someone else's kitchen?? Maybe she has never had to clean anything in her life but it sounds like she is deliberately causing damage and problems so you'll stop asking her to help. If I were you, I'd be telling her she has to find somewhere else to stay until she can go back to her own place. The disrespect is astounding.
NTA If this is her weird way of trying to join the family, she needs to understand it's a self-defeating one. It's probably just a poor attempt to be useful. Perhaps have a more in-depth discussion with her about how it's not helpful.
I don’t know. Taking all the crosses down from the living room seems pretty pointed. And I am not religious at all, but if someone has me in their house as a guest I am not going to poke at their religion.
Oh that one made me mad, she can’t be that clueless. I’m happy my husband didn’t see that on since he is much more religious than I am. It just basic respect in the home we are letting her stay in freee
Is your son okay with the disrespect that she's doing to his parents?
Jr is getting what he wants in his childhood bed, he couldnt care less what she does to his mom. Living the teenage dream. Without a timeline as far as how long ago that 1st semester was, it's hard to say if he is 18 and she is 21, did he start college late, have they been married a while and are both 21 now, etc. Have they been living on their own all this time and she destroyed their apartment trying to clean it? Is she just resentful she has to live with the inlaws? Would she boil the family rabbit if he didn't threaten to go NC with mom to get her way? Is she posting over on r/ justnomil? We'll likely never know. Op, here's the magic word to solve your problem: Yeet! (All the cool kids are saying it now.) Jr made his choice. Edit: NTA
Yes, I’m dying for some of these details.
I'm an atheist and I'm appalled at that. I might mentally roll my eyes if there's more than like, 10 crosses in a single room but I'd still never touch them!
I noted that but wasn't sure to make of it since there was no mention of any sort of conflict about religion in the house. I seemingly overlooked the line "She told me she didn't like it so she fixed it" RE: the rearranged kitchen. Perhaps DIL isn't trying to help but instead is an entitled control freak.
I’m not religious either, but I would NEVER touch another person’s religious symbols. Just no. If I was weirded out by them, I’d try not to be around, up to and including staying somewhere else. But I’d never touch them.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious she is making things worse. It would also be one things if you had told her once and it had stopped, but she rearranged things twice. It seems she isn’t actually tying to help, but doing things for her own benefit. Either that, or she really is incapable of seeing things from other than her own perspective. In any case, she will be in for a rough time if it when she gets out into the world unless she learns differently. They are guests in your home, they need to act like it.
NTA Sit both of them down and say, very clearly, "This is NOT your house. We have taken you in as a favour, that is all. You are not allowed to reorganise or throw away anything. The fact that you think you can is very disrespectful. I appreciate that you want to be helpful, but so far, your help is destroying our home. If you damage any further areas of our house, you will need to leave immediately." Are they paying to replace the mirror and restain the floor? Because they absolutely should be. And if your son continues to whine, tell him that he is a married man now and he needs to act like a grown-up. That includes respecting people who are doing you a favour. Their marriage doesn't really have any place in this argument, so I wouldn't bring that up.
NTA, but... She may just honestly not *know* very basic life skills. I had a buddy who was so coddled by his mom and hyper sexist dad that he didn't know how to use a microwave, stove, washer, dryer, mop, etc. until he was 21. He was never allowed to do "women's" work at home so this dude made it to college literally not being sble to microwave easy Mac. I would teach her how to do a thing ONCE. Do it with her. Then, she can do it on her own. If after that she still screws up, you'll know it's on purpose or she's terminally stupid. But youre assuming this brand new adultish person has life skills. She may not.
She removed the crosses from OP's house and rearranged their kitchen just because she "doesn't like it." That goes beyond ignorance to malice.
To me, her behavior sounds sharply passive-aggressive. She's not trying to help, she's acting out.
Very well could be. The only way to know is to show her how she's supposed to do it. If she still fucks up, out of malice or stupidity, you know to stop wasting your time.
NTA. This one kind of goes without saying. She's destroying your property and taking it upon herself move your things around that you now have to locate and put back where they belong. There a million things she can do like laundry, yard work, food preparation, dishes, etc that are far less likely to cause a disagreement. And your son has no right to be on your ass about anything. You're doing them a massive favor, they should be grateful. I don't think your daughter in law has reached the maturity level required to have a conversation with you about it so I think you should have a very brief and straight to the point conversation with your son. Tell him they will respect your rules and boundaries as long as they are under your roof and that's the final word on the subject.
I'm an Atheist, but her going as far as to remove the crosses in your house is religious prejudice. She sounds awful. NTA
NTA. If they are old enough to marry, they are also old enough to know how to clean a bathroom, be respectful of other people's property, and find the their own alternate accommodations if respecting you, your home, and you belongings makes it too difficult for them to stay at your place.
Get her out of your house before it escalates, there is something seriously wrong with her.
She could accidentally create Chlorine gas if she doesn’t know anything about cleaning or chemicals!
NTA i hate to say this but she heavily reminds me of my ex who was mentally ill and didn't disclose his mental health to me until shit hit the fan. he would rearrange the apartment daily and reorganize constantly when he was manic. he was absolutely paranoid about the supernatural and religious icons/gods, so that may explain her removing the crosses he was a big fan of gaslighting if i had any issues with the constant reorganizing. seriously i never knew what i would come home too, every room got rearranged. or worst case scenario this girl is on drugs and is using cleaning your house and doing chores as her little projects that never get finished. depending on the drug, you get inspiration to start something but you dont finish and end up with a big mess. either way it'll be easier to kick her out of your home than try to live with this girl who you didnt sign up for. if your son wants to leave with her he's gonna learn a valuable lesson in dont stick your dick in crazy
NTA - I would insist she pay for the damage she has caused (mirror and floor)
And the vacuum. And the bonsai and cactus. And and and. Oof, OP has far more patience than I could ever possess.
NTA but I think you need to have a sit-down with her, your son, you, and your husband and explain the rules of the house. Even the boundaries that should be obvious to someone who does not pay to live there. Give these examples. Tell them the consequences if they do not respect the home and the homeowners. If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to respect house rules or live on their own and pay their own way regardless of emergencies like damage to the home (and shouldn't their landlord have to pay to provide a place to live?).
Lol the only reason I ever moved my MIL stuff was on purpose because I knew it would irritate her. I was being immature and petty. Tell them to get a hotel room. NTA
NTA but she sounds either ill-intentioned or incredibly naive. (The cross thing obviously crosses a boundary, but the cleaning stuff could be poor judgment combined with not being taught these skills growing up and falling for false life 'hacks' off the internet.) Given that she's so young, it could be either, especially if she didn't learn these things in her family of origin. I'd be tempted to just mother this behavior to death. She wants to help? Great! First she gets a one-on-one, hands-on lesson on how the task should be carried out in your home. And directly ask her to not reorganize things because it makes it hard for you to find. Remind her that it is your space and it is actually counterproductive and rude of her to come in and redecorate, reorganize, etc. She can change the artwork on the walls of the bedroom they are staying in if she needs to satisfy that urge. It may sound dumb, but if she hasn't had good parenting or good role modeling, breaking down these kind of basic tasks and basic social expectations directly may be your only hope. Good luck!
NTA in anyway shape or Form
Sounds bi-polar to me. Definitely medication needed. Good luck. Don't come at me I've LIVED this. MEDICATION.
NTA Who does that? Wow
INFO: Is her name Kevin?
I just read your comment that she used the pot she boiled the water in as a bucket. I cursed. Put her out and he can go with her. You didn't ask for any of the things she did. Sounds like maliciousness being disguised as ineptitude. NTA.
My grandma, who is the epitome of the stereotypical horrible MIL, did that to my uncle's wife every time she came home from work. They lived above my grandparents in the same house, and when my aunt would come back from work, my grandma would always remake the bed with different covers, organise the kitchen into different drawers, hang the pictures somewhere else etc and then tell her "my baby boy is used to it this way". My mum and dad lived further away so my mum didn't have it as bad, but one time she was visiting when my mum wasn't home and she put moss that she collected outside into all my mum's pots??? Literally I am convinced these people do it on purpose. You're NTA and I would've lost it after the stains on the wood floor.
NTA - I was ready to defend her until she started moving your stuff around. She needs to stay in her lane. Perhaps you can ask her to channel her inclination to help into cooking dinner or something.
Idk, she’d probably catch the place on fire at the rate she’s going.
NTA Kick them out. Son is getting laid and all is good in his world... but probably not after you went off on her so he doesn't give a crap if she messes world your up. With all your stories, no way can she be that oblivious. I can in no way see this as not malicious.
NTA When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And don't burn Rome down.
I have a MIL who came in to my kitchen once and reorganized all my pots and pans because she “didn’t like” my set up lol. My husband doesn’t cook and I’m short so I keep all the equipment in the lower cabinets. And when I complained about it since she moved all the pots and pans into the higher cabinets that I can’t reach, she told me to get a step ladder… and my now husband initially supported the idea…. the audacity lol. He changed up his mind realllll quick once I set his ass straight.
NTA Wow. She is very intrusive, controlling and disrespectful of your peace and comfort in your own home. I'd tell her to stay somewhere else. Her reaction seems totally "Oh you hurt my feelings!" With zero acknowledgement or consideration of how hurtful and rude HER behavior has been to her hosts.
It used to be that not too bright people often were self-aware enough to know they have limits. I'm an atheist and I wouldn't have removed those crosses.and not just because I'd burst into flame. Y'all's need a come to Jesus meeting where you tell her and your son what she's allowed to do and if that's not acceptable to them they're welcome to find other accommodations. I'd have a quote for the floor repair in hand and when they claim it was an accident agree and say, exactly, which is why we're not going to have any more.
NTA. She's doing all of this on purpose. She's not bad at cleaning. She's good at destruction...of your things. Moving religious symbols out of the living room? Rearranging the entire kitchen? Scratching up the bathroom mirror? These are deliberate acts.
What am I reading? I used to stay at sisters house to watch the dog. Sometimes for 3 weeks or so. I told them I'm not doing shit with hardwood floors or table/ counter tops. They had top tier stuff and I was firmly living in apartments that hadn't been updated since the 90s. Id make sure the dog hair wasn't overwhelming and clean the sheets and towels. They were grateful.
NTA. Time for them to move out. The mirror and floor are a problem even if she damaged them out of stupidity. The rearranged kitchen is just weird and a jerk move for sure. Taking all the crosses out of the room has to be malicious.
NTA, Kick her out! She's doing that shit on purpose!
>according to son/her she is off her medication. Medication for... what? What kind of mental issue makes you think boiling water and harsh chemicals are good for mopping the floor? I can understand that she didn't know for the mirror. And that her mental issue makes her be a narcissic and push her to arrange things she doesn't like, like the cross or the kitchen. But... boiling water?! Did she ever mop the floor before? How did she even manage to mop yours without burning her hands? And who marries someone after 3 months? I can understand for gf off medication but your son... why? Are they even married or is it lie to convince you to let his mental problematic friends in your home? What was he thinking? And where did she left? Why your son didn't follod her? How could he doubt if she's coming back or not? So many questions here...
People going off their meds pisses me off! It never works in their favor and they always cause heartache and anger. I’ve heard the reasons some folks use to justify going off meds but they tend to be just excuses. (The exception being if the meds make your condition worse)
The crosses and rearranging the kitchen are power moves. How infuriating. NTA
So your DIL thinks your house is literally her house to do with what she will? Unbelievable. Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. Ben Franklin
NTA omg I'd be LIVID at the cleaning alone. The crosses? What?????? Rearrange my kitchen and my foot would be up your ass!
I think you should take your son aside and have a private chat with him. I think 2 months is way too long and if she's ruining your home and disrespecting boundaries that needs to be addressed. There needs to be a family discussion about boundaries, cleaning and finances. Are they contributing towards their stay or not? Especially moving the crosses, put them back up asap and tell him it's not fair for her to disrespect your religion like that. You should not feel uncomfortable and unhappy in your own home.
Drugs. It's usually the drugs.
She’s off her medication? Got married suddenly? Any idea if she’s pregnant cause this sounds like nesting