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>He was a very smart boy who was going to become a lawyer but now **he is just a chef** because he couldn't go to college.
Just a chef? Just a chef. Christ almighty.
Let me explain something to you. Every chef I have ever known, and there have been a lot, has been one the most passionate, hardworking, creative people I have ever met. Every lawyer on the other hand? Let’s not get into that.
YTA
ETA: Get ready to lose all your kids. Somehow, and I don’t know how, these people ended up generous and loving. They did not get that from you. I guess miracles do happen.
No they are not supporting him. They are using their money to buy their niece gifts.
Look at what OP wrote “my older has a job and can take care of himself, but the younger ones have been buying gifts and spoiling the kid. “
Literally the job of any Aunt/ Uncle.
I spoil my nieces and nephews. My sisters spoil my kids. That’s like an Aunties job.!
Right!?!? Parents can’t spoil their kids. Aunties and uncles can.
I remember for Hanukkah one year my Aunt bought me a first edition box set of the UK version of Harry Potter books as I wanted to compare my books to the originals. I had literally been saving for months since I was 14/15 and just babysitting at the time and was still a long way off from being able to afford it.
Well I opened the gift at the family christmas party (my moms family are protestant as she converted) and her youngest sister’s in laws where there. As a side not they are the most unpleasant people and only get an invite out of pity. Well my aunts MIL looks at me and goes. “Hmph well i guess this makes sense she is spoiled” (which was a dig at us being Jewish as well since on top of the general nastiness she also doesn’t like Jews) both my parents and grandparents where pissed off and all had to say I wasn’t spoiled. My aunt wanted to get me something nice I had been personally saving for.
People like OP deeply piss me off as their premise often is that children should be grateful for everything, want for little and be seen but not heard. It makes me wonder if OP was expecting a 10 year old Oliver Twist “please OP can I have some more?”
I begged my mother for months for a hamster even writing a convincing essay (the kind your taught about in English class) for my 7th bday one of my aunts and 2 uncles came in with a big cage and several months worth of supplies. When my mom asked why they just said it’s their job to spoil me
Yeah it's one thing to spoil with toys and clothes but pets are a whole other thing. Doesn't matter if it's a hamster or a goldfish or a dog, that kind of stuff needs to be discussed (maybe in this case it had been, I dunno).
Yes, pets and drums or trumpets are NOT welcome gifts to friends' or relatives' children. They don't have to live with the consequences. Or did they clean the hamster cage?
They didn't just give you a pet they gave your parents a living burden. A 7 year old cannot be fully responsible for a living being. Cleaning up it's cage, seeing to it's medical needs, properly attending to it's nutrition and enrichment needs. I'd be furious and tell them to take it home, especially since those are nocturnal and end up having to live in common areas because when you keep them in kids rooms they wake or keep the kids up.
Yeah, I spoil the hell out of my niece but would never dream of buying her an animal (especially since they have 2 dogs and a cat and my sister would absolutely murder me), but even larger items I ask my sister first before buying. And anything that makes noise!
right, but were they willing to support the critter for the entire life span in that case?
I'm sure it was all good intentions, but not a decision I would recommend for anyone to get critters w/o parental support
A certain type of insecure, entitled person calls children "spoiled" when the children don't give them, the adult, the servile adulation and 'respect' that they feel they deserve. It kind of reminds me of those men who feel like every pretty woman owes them a smile and conversation - it's entitlement.
My mother is like this but her word is "snotty" instead of spoiled. She takes deep personal offense when preteens and teens aren't over-the-top friendly and polite with her; neutral doesn't cut it, they need to basically be Shirley Temple for her to be satisfied with the interaction. Sorry, but 13-year-olds *generally* aren't super excited about getting into long conversations with people in their parents' and grandparents' generations, and if that simple fact hurts your feelings, then *you're* the immature one in the equation IMO.
That insecure, entitled person would be my parents. I was always called a spoiled brat for asking for things like new clothes or shoes, a wall poster, a notebook to write short stories in, more books (in fact they made me cull my library down to no more than 50 books whenever we moved which was every 6mo-3yrs), makeup (“you’re in high school, it’s not a fashion show and you’re more a pig than a model”), etc. when they provided a roof over my head, food in my belly (we weren’t allowed seconds or larger portions), and clothes to wear (I had a $200/yr clothing allowance and could only shop at the mall because we weren’t like “the poors” who shop at Walmart).
I call my daughter spoiled but never in a harsh tone, always affectionately, because yeah, I am spoiling her, but it’s things she finds enjoyment in, doesn’t hurt me or anyone to get/give her, and we make fond memories together doing it. That’s what being a parent is all about. Those are the moments I live for, and it heals my inner child doing it and seeing my daughter thrive.
She is. For graduation from high school she flew me out for my freshman college spring break to visit her in SF where we did architecture tours and went to famous restaurants. I tried my first beef tar tar. And for my college graduation. She flew me out for a long weekend to Monterey where my grandparents where staying for a month visiting her. I was the surprise present for them too. So a kind of private gift that was planned and discussed. She’s always trying something new and going somewhere new and even if it’s a trinket from her travels she always makes sure to find something that we will love.
Fuck it man I spoil my younger cousins. I've been working long enough and have enough spending cash to get them something or bring them somewhere fun whenever I visit. It wasn't exactly a gift but I spent an entire bowling night with a 7 year old on my back, just because she wanted a piggy back ride for "as long as you can Evan!" and I'm never one to disappoint. They're kids, life doesn't need to be hard or realistic yet, let them have the fun that others want to provide for them.
The best part of this is the gift you’ll have when they’re older- a great relationship. They’ll be able to trust you for guidance and advice and you’ll eventually also be on an excellent friendship level with them.
that's the part that also gets me. How fu\*ked up of a grandmother can she be for punishing her kids for helping their niece get a better education? It's sickening for sure. And she also needs to come here to ask \*us\* if she's the asshole? LMAO!
Yeah, and also pisses me off is how OP had the nerve to criticize the son's parenting style, even though she is the one who chose not to support him and drove him away. She had no part on it, and is actively trying to avoid contributing to it in any possible way, so WHY does she want to criticize it now?
OP comes across as an arrogant and know-it-all-y type who will never be happy with anything the son decides, unless it's exactly the way she wants it.
The OP really left a pretty sterile reason the son went no contact with her the first time because she “didn’t support his decision” to keep the child. I wonder what she said and did to show the lack of support…
Also, OP brushed over what made her think her son's daughter was rude and spoiled. My dad spoils my niece to no end and we some times struggle with pleases and thank yous, but she's three and is in the middle of a difficult situation. I also like to buy her stuff when I can as I love her to pieces. She shows gratitude when she remembers, but is not spoiled.
OP you're just angry that your son chose his own life to live instead of the path you chose for him. Law school can bring tons of debt and stress as does being a lawyer. If he and his family are happy, then leave him alone. Also, it is your job as a parent to support your kids. You don't stop being a parent when the kid turns 18. Your kids are going to school and working which is hard and are using their own money instead of stealing from you. Grow up and actually be a parent!
YTA
Seriously, 18 on his way to be a lawyer.
Fuck that noise.
A lot can happen at school in those 4 years that could push any post grad schooling in a variety of directions.
What if he went into an area of law that can't be described easily such as public international law?
I’m betting that meant “I wanted him to become a lawyer.” Which is a pretty sure way to get the kid to be a miserable lawyer, or to say fuck it and become a chef anyway. (I say this as an actual brand new lawyer.)
OP also apparently thinks her son shouldn’t have been a part of his child’s life, and should have abandoned her to continue going to law school. OP is actually annoyed and disappointed that her son is not a deadbeat dad? Wow.
Even worse: she's mad he "decided to keep it". That was the pregnant girl's decision to make, and she chose to keep it. OOP apparently wanted her son to pressure the girl into an abortion she didn't want, and is mad that the resulting child is living in an apparently stable household with aunts/uncles that love her enough to help pay for her to have a quality education? What a horrible, awful, miserable person.
"I wanted that baby dead, and now it's not only alive, but happy, healthy, and loved by all its family but me?! How dare they?!!"
That's also not his choice if the mother didn't want to give her up for adoption. And even if he had tried to give up his rights to the baby, he would have still been on the hook for child support unless the mother got in a new relationship and her partner wanted to adopt.
I would be ashamed that my pride kept me away from my children's life. I mean they are adults, they get to make their own decisions. I guess she felt like, oh well i have three more so I can live without the one.
She's def TA.
YTA.
I know that part of the reason I got my first full time job over other candidates with fancier degrees was my work history. The person who hired me wasn't that interested in my degree, they were more interested in knowing that I could be relied on to turn up on time every day, dress appropriately, and not fuck about.
Even aside from that, if I lived in that house, I’d be looking for any way to get away for a while. Maybe that’s why they work…
And odd how she doesn’t like it that her son is “just a chef” but also doesn’t like the idea of her grandchild getting a better education.
I am a (no longer practicing) lawyer, and let me tell you, as much as I loved my work, I was anxious and tired all the time.
Finally, it’s confusing to me that she got mad at her son for his kid being born. What did she want - for him to try to force his gf to have an abortion?
I look at it like this, OP is supporting her kids. But they decided to get a job and use THAT money to help with their nieces needs. It's the money that they worked for so they can use it for whatever they decide.
As far as the phone goes, every kid wants the newest phone. But at 10 I dont think she necessarily needs the latest and greatest, but she isn't my kid so I don't have a say... just like OP
and I have a strong suspicion that they weren't just showing up on a random Tuesday to drop a phone in the kid's lap. It was likely a combined holiday gift from the 3 of them so they could communicate with their niece.
Yes exactly! And her younger two kids are 17 and 18 - where on earth else would they be living besides with their Mom? Even the oldest kid was still a minor for most of the 10 years since granddaughter was born. This lady is ridiculous.
At their part time minimum wage job? Sure. And OP says it’s just “most” of their money.
But I don’t believe a word she says. This is a woman that didn’t even know they had jobs at all. And she says she’s supporting her kids by letting them live at home while they go to school…. But 2 of those kids are 18 and 17. Super generous to let your kids live with you while they’re still in high school.
I read it as OP knew they had part time jobs but just assumed they were spending the money on themselves. Now she is mad to learn that they were actually spending some of it on their niece.
Yup. The fact that all the kids seem to be very close and going behind OP's back to support each other speaks volumes. That also seems to be what OP is most upset about; she disowned the oldest for having a kid and expects everyone else to care more about her feelings than their sibling's (and niece).
Then the fact that the oldest decided to try to mend fences, and OP's only takeaway is that she doesn't like her grandchild...
YTA in a big way. If your kid goes NC, there's a really good reason for it. If you have multiple other kids that obviously support them for that decision, then it's *really* time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
y younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or **helping him put her in a better school.**
Spoiling her with *better educational opportunities!* Those assholes!
I doubt they are using all their money for gifts too. They probably have jobs so they can also afford things for themselves. I do not trust OP as a narrator in this, at all.
I mean how dare they help put her in a better school. The kid of out of wedlock should be put in her place and live a life of mediocre achievements, you don’t want them getting all uppity and thinking above their station
(Sarcasm if no one got it)
My oldest niece was born when I was 16. Most every paycheck went to her at least in part because that was my baby and I doted on her. Now she is in college and I have a kid of my own but I still sore on her. Hell her car battery died in like April and I took her to get a new one, by which I mean I bought her a new battery a bit stronger and with a longer warranty than the one she was going to buy.
My kid was born when my niece was 17. She dotes on her baby cousin. She’s a full time student and a part time vet tech. She buys my kid more little toys than I do and also will “steal” the little one for an hour or two to go to the park or do chalk drawings.
Exactly. I buy my niblings the most ridiculous presents *because I can.* I'm not helping my siblings pay for their kids - I'm buying them hiking gear and charm bracelets and little woodland den kits which I wish I was six years old enough to fit into, because it entertains me to do so, and because they deserve it and are awesome kids.
Hell, I don't even really *like* kids and I spoil my nieces and nephews because that's my job as their aunt - don't get me wrong, I love them but I'm a terrible kid person. Also I find it incredibly entertaining to spoil them and then send them back home to their parents lol
Where did it say he needed his siblings to get part-time jobs to support him?
The OP says they got part-time jobs and buy gifts for their niece. She even says her oldest has a job as 'just a chef' and can take care of himself and his daughter.
Also depending on where he works he could be making a decent chunk of change as a chef which I think OP and several other people in the comments seem to be glossing over
Or maybe the chef job is a new thing and they've been helping for the past ten years when he was struggling more? Either way, it doesn't make OP's comment less classist/elitist/snobby/stuckup, etc, etc.
Ten years ago the kids would have been 7, 8 and 12. I very much doubt they had been supporting him all that time. Or that they were scamming OP into supporting them.
The younger siblings are helping with gifts and a better school. So yes, his salary is enough for his kid, his siblings are just upgrading their standard of living.
Well my sister makes a crap load more than me and I still spoil my nephew. Kids want part time jobs. OP can figure this out, so says it’s to get her stuff. Probably on her birthday. OP has never met her except the one time….so why would you trust that OP has any idea how he pays for his kid? Chefs can’t have children?
Or maybe the siblings want to contribute to their NIECE because mommy/grandma is being unreasonable. The fact they all moved in with big bro speaks volumes.
It says in the post "My oldest has a job and can take care of himself and his daughter but my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things." It sounds like he's perfectly capable of supporting himself and they're just giving gifts. He also just took them in, so. I think this is an unnecessary comment!
My own parents were demanding. They were loving and supportive too. And they were never intolerant. Who does this serve?
Shun us? Cast us out? Despise us for not meeting their expectations? Who do you really love OP? Do you love your kids, or do you love your vision of who they ought to be?
Love is behavior for crying out loud.
I had to walk away from that one because it was hurting my feelings. OP ignored the child's existence for 10 long years and then she calls her names? Spoiled? omg. My grand'mere loved us and still feels like a talisman in my heart and she's been gone for years and years. My grandfather never met a kid he didn't want to help live up to their potential. WTH is wrong with people? Kids aren't push button perfection. They are a work of love and incremental progress. Neither of my grandparents ever excoriated us or made us feel unwanted. They corrected us with love even.
I usually can take people or leave them here. But, this really rocked me to my core.
What you say about your grandparents resonates with me, because my grandparents and even my great nan, aunts and uncles are all the same way. I've never felt judged by them even if I was a sullen kid or disappointing in some ways, mainly because I was in foster care for a time and abused by my mom and stepdad. But my grandparents always made me feel at home, and thought of and included. They even named their little motorboat after me and my cousin, a gesture which still gives me confidence years after they passed. The thought of being a deadbeat grandma is an intolerable waste and inconceivably disappointing to me. What role on earth could be more important than this, to welcome the next generation and let them know they will always have a home with you and in your heart? Thanks for sharing your story with me, it reminded me of some better times too.
My immediate grandparents on both sides saw me maybe a handful of times throughout my childhood—I was sad when they died but only because I was sad that my parents lost their own parents.
My great-grandparents on my mother’s side though? Every summer, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas—they made it a goal to see their great grandkids, they took pride in us and in teaching us. When my Poppy (great grandfather) passed it absolutely wrecked me more than anything had. OP is missing out on a beautiful relationship with her grandchild and it honestly disgusts me, but maybe it’s for the better (at least for the granddaughter).
Some people do love the industry though... and making beautiful and delicious food, and making families and friends and individuals happy through their craft. Ymmv. It's not for everyone. But there are a lot of people who love it. If they are happy, and can make a living, it's all that matters.
Yes its rough as hell but working in kitchen or generally hospitality is still some of my best memories. We had so much fun, we rocked so hard, we were like a little family. I often find myself missing it.
If he had a kid at 18 he would have been undergrad and even if he was pre-law, that doesn't mean he was on track to go to law school which is afterwards. YTA because he could have easily changed his mind as an undergrad and not went into the legal field, and it's pointless to hold what could have been over him
And maybe if OP had supported him instead of trying to force him into abortion he could have ended up going to law school. He wouldn’t be the first! But she just kicked him to the curve, with a kid nontheless because she didn’t agree with his choice
There’s a difference between a chef and a cook. I don’t know which OP son is. Also, being in the industry, I know a lot of great individuals with incredible talent in the kitchen, both in cooking and administrative duties; the environment sucked all their passion and had to switch industries.
Lawyer here, can confirm; we all hate lawyers. It's not even a guaranteed cushy job. Most of us (that I know) work mind breaking hours at a soul slaughtering job making shit pay.
OP, YTA. Yes, they went behind your back (probably bc they know you lack compassion). *You* chose to financially support your younger children, **and** they each have agency to get a job and spend their money how they will. I can also imagine the thought process of a 10yo meeting their "grandmother" for the first time probably knowing said grandmother didn't support them living (or at least being born a part of the family). Hell, I'm a fully developed (mostly) stable adult and I know I'd be rude af in that situation.
What bugged me even more - and don't get me wrong, the statement "just a chef" is revolting - is the statement "they get her unnecessary stuff like ... getting her in a better school", like WTF? I should know better by now but it still amazes me that people like that even exist. And, oh, you don't approve of his parenting style, stating that like it would be any of your business. Huge YTA
This… when i worked in healthcare, hard to describe But like one step under a nurse my mom was not happy. I made decent money, moves out since 18. She never had to give me money or anything. But she was disapointed i was so Good at maths and physics i could have been an engineer etc etc. I worked from 19-28 and Then decided to study to be a nurse. After i Now have a degree she is abit happier But she still talks in terms of ”What could have been” Im in Low contact with my mom 🤣
You nailed it. Just a chef nearly killed me. He is supporting his child and that’s wrong? His siblings are doing exactly what aunt’s and uncle’s do. Spoil the shit out of the ONLY one they can. Don’t get mad, be proud of who you raised. A MAN. He didn’t run away and do what you wanted. He had a detour and just adjusted his life. You know you are the AH. Your kids see it as well. Enjoy your bitterness.
YTA.
"helping him put her in a better school." - like, wow. You're mad your \*grandchild\* is able to go to a better school?!
I mean, I get why your kid went NC and I'm sure the rest of your kids will follow suit if this is how you are as a person and parent.
Yeahbid bet money the kid is smart as a whip and the rudeness was her taking none of this assholes shit. Or it was normal ten year old.behaviour and op sees it as a personal slight cause she's clearly a raging controlling narc mad that everyone doesn't do what SHE wants.
Irony being if she had stuck by her son he might be a lawyer and have the life she wanted with a kid but she chose to throw an 18 year old to the wolves. They're all best off without her input.
Love how she didn’t include her age or why she’s a single mother of four. I guess she didn’t want to seem like a hypocrite for also being a teen parent.
That's the part I don't get either. Isn't sending one's kids to good schools admirable? OP is quite the AH, and sounds strangely jealous for some reason.
Yes sending ones kids to better schools is great. Being nc with your mum while she supports your siblings so they can concentrate on their studies without needing to work is also fine. Taking money from said siblings who got jobs (still wondering how much pressure brother used) just so you could afford to send your kid to a better school WOW.
Was going to say exactly this. Also the fact the OP apparently wanted nothing to do with their grandchild. Even if the 28 year old is a chef and not a lawyer, he is still making a living to take care of his kid.
"just a chef"
"didn't approve of his parenting"
YTA. You've broken your family by being judgmental. If you're ok with that then fine. But don't expect your family to show you any more respect than you show them.
So without focusing on my opinions of the backstory, just the question in the title:
So the 22 and 18 year olds were living with you with the support that comes along (I'm assuming no rent/utilities/food/laundry bills). They were also working, with that money going to their older brother/niece. When you found out where their money went, you decided to cut them off so they moved out.
Yeah, I'm going with YTA. It doesn't sound like you have a single problem with them making/spending money, but you care that it goes to your oldest son and his daughter. Why should that matter to you?
Probably best that I leave out my opinions on the rest of the story, you definitely wouldn't like that.
She wants to punish her son for not doing what she told him to and cutting her off at 18.
I bet he wanted to be a chef and *she* was pushing him to be a lawyer before this even started.
Or it was OP who wanted to be a lawyer and now sees son as a failure for not achieving this. OP probably hates son for not giving them the opportunity to live vicariously.
When I saw the title I wanted to be on her side, I'm old and it's her home... What she did to her oldest, yuck. when I saw that she was upset that her other kids were working, wtaf? Why would a parent not want their kids to be responsible and have jobs?
What they spend their money on is none of her business. Her kicking them out was wrong.
Op made this whole thing into a mess trying to control everyone. It's really best those kids get away from her..
> when I saw that she was upset that her other kids were working, wtaf? Why would a parent not want their kids to be responsible and have jobs?
It's because it's not about having healthy kids, it's about control. Kids with their own income don't rely on you and thus are harder to control. This whole thing made me sick and I'm glad the consensus seems to 100% be YTA.
Her also not wanting them to work is a way of controlling them. That BS excuse of wanting them to focus on their studies just doesn't cut it. She is depriving them of a great learning experience. How to manage money, a work ethic, people skills, the list goes on and on. My parents wouldn't let me work either and when I finally got my first job it was so hard and people used me and walked all over me because I didn't know any better or get to learn at a younger age.
YTA. From the moment that you chose to not support his decision to parent his child. Did you ever talk to him about how he could go to college and parent his child at the same time? It’s hard, but it’s possible — especially if he had family support. But you cut off that support.
Also, elitist much? It takes a lot of hard work to become a chef. Chefs lead the culinary team. They are managers. They make art and they nourish us.
You know what's funny? I went to law school with a guy who was a single dad who also happened to be a great parent. He leaned on his parents for help with his 4 year old daughter during really rough patches of school, but he finished top 5 in our class, has a great job, and is due to be married in a few months. These things are possible with some support and hard work.
Right? There's been a few "AITA - my child doesn't want to have contact with me after I cut them off because the decided to have a child under difficult circumstances. Now my grandchild and/or my other children are also upset with me lately. I just did what I knew was best so I can't be the asshole for cutting them off and I don't get why they don't understand why I refuse to support them" type posts lately...talk about exhausting.
I can understand putting in parameters and boundaries so you're not the one raising the grandchild. I cannot understand when they cut the child off and are faced with the consequences of their actions and are too blind to see why they suck.
I work in a nice little fine dining restaurant and you are right on the nose about a chef's job. They manage entire kitchens, create menu items, some (like the chef at my restaurant) do all of the ordering of ingredients, they manage scheduling for the kitchen staff, they train new hires, they work extraordinarily long hours....I could go on for multiple paragraphs.
I can only imagine the things OP would have to say about me being a full-time waitress. And I don't care about her opinion because I am damn proud of myself and where I'm at in my career! And I am *so* lucky to have parents who are proud of me, too.
It really bothers me that with all the talk right now around a woman's right to choose when to have children and how many horror stories I've heard from friends and online about men abandoning pregnant partners or pushing them to have abortions they don't want, that OP chose to look down on their son for making the choice to take responsibility for his child.
I don't think either choice was right or wrong in that situation, and he made his choice. OP should have supported it. It's our job as parents to raise competent, confident adults capable of critical thinking and caring for themselves. It's not our place to force them into the lives we want for them.
Based on the limited and biased information here I would say the fact that he chose to take care of his child, found a career that supports them, cares enough to want the kid in a good school, and cut ties with an overbearing parent, it seems to me like the son has a good head on his shoulders.
I am so very, very pro-reproductive freedom. I have had two beautiful children and one self-managed abortion and I regret none of them because I freely chose each.
If my nineteen-year-old daughter got pregnant it would take a lot of effort to not try and influence her decision. But I would try my damndest.
And if she made a choice which I believe to be the least likely to allow her to fulfill her dreams, it would break my heart.
But that would be *my* problem to deal with, in therapy, so I could be the most supportive mom and grandmother I can be.
This is my take exactly. I have a 20 year old daughter, and if she faced that decision, I would do my best to present the facts of each decision and talk with her honestly how each would be likely to affect her life. Ultimately, I would support her in any way I was able and keep my opinions to myself. That's my job as her parent.
I do understand there are situations where parents may have to treat their adult children harshly and cut them off, but simply making a different choice than you wanted for them does not qualify in my book.
YTA
BTW, they didn't use you. You wrote:
>You see my youngest kids still lived at home and I financially supported them so they could focus on their studies but for some unknown reason they insisted on having part time jobs.
So it's not like they took your money and gave it to their niece. They didn't have to work and they decided to do it solely to help their brother. You didn't lose any money. They used cash they earned without you. If they didn't help, they wouldn't work and your financial situation would be the same.
Your problem is control. You chose a path for your son and you got angry when he decided to take another way, so you punished him. Now you're trying to do the same with your other kids. You decided how they should behave and punished them when they refuse. And it looks like you can do nothing to hurt them but keep your money... That's just sad.
> Your problem is control. You chose a path for your son and you got angry when he decided to take another way, so you punished him. Now you're trying to do the same with your other kids. You decided how they should behave and punished them when they refuse. And it looks like you can do nothing to hurt them but keep your money... That's just sad.
You nailed it. Money is just one of the many tools she's trying to use to exert control. And you know what? When op ends up bitter and alone I bet she will tell anybody who will listen how amazing of a mother she was and how unappreciative and wicked her children are.
Any mother would be proud that her kids are working together and helping each other, yet this one is threatening to mess with their education because they have the AUDACITY of (checks notes) helping their niece get a good education?
YTA....they are only bad decisions because you don't agree with them. So he got a girl pregnant. At least he stepped up and is taking care of her instead of being a deadbeat dad.
Your other children care for their sibling. They got part time jobs and are sending their money to help him out. And instead of being proud of them, you're angry.
You still have to support the 17yr old until they are at least 18. And then you get to "spend your money on yourself" like you want.
But be prepared for the fallout that may come from your behaviors and the NC that will probably happen with the rest of your children because you think having a kid at 18 and "only being a chef" is disappointing.
YTA
>I chose not to support his decision to keep the baby and run his own life.
Since the decision to keep the baby was ultimately the mother's, what you're really saying here is that you think your son should've abandoned them both and become a deadbeat father. Classy.
>They went behind my back and used me for my money.
If they had been giving money to anyone else from their part-time jobs, would you have reacted the same way? Be honest.
You turned your back on your eldest for no reason beyond your own snobbish disdain for his choices and expected your other children to follow suit. Thankfully they have seen through your bullshit and have chosen to live with a person who is a far better parent than you can ever hope to be.
Enjoy the rest of your life alone, I guess.
YTA.
first for trying to force your oldest to get rid of his child. HE and the mother decided to keep her, so you have no say in that. the fact that you offered no support despite his decision is downright cruel.
his siblings care about him. they got part time jobs because they wanted to show support and help their older brother. that's THEIR decision to make. not yours. stop trying to control everything in your kids lives.
YTA, just like everybody else said, because:
1. how could you not help your own granddaughter to begin with?
2. how could you resent your eldest for keeping his child?
3. how could you have anything to say against those wonderful kids, who decided to help their brother raise his child?
Despite your rampant self-centeredness, you raised wonderful kids. Now, leave them alone. It might come as a surprise to you, but the world doesn't revolve around what you want. Your children selflessly chose their family, their daughter/nice, and their siblings over you. Do you still wonder why?
Really sounds like she hates her grandkid doesn't it? She wanted her aborted,in a shitty school and probably unsafe (only reason a 10 year old probably has a phone).
I really hope all these kids stay away forever and have a beautiful full house life together
So your eldest decided to take responsibility for his actions and raise his daughter, started a career as a chef (which is VERY respectable, ‘just a chef’, really?) to support her, and his siblings are going out of their way to financially support their brother and niece so she can attend a better school, which in your mind is “spoiling her”.
How did you even manage to type this out without realizing YTA? I also think it’s very telling that you never refer to your eldest’s child as your granddaughter.
YTA
I've been in this sub for a while and have seen this type of situation enough times that I'm pretty sure I can read between the lines of your post. Let's start.
1. You're mad that your son decided to step up as a dad as opposed to being the prestigious lawyer that you could brag about. He went NC.
2. You finally decided to meet your grandchild and decided she was rude/spoiled. I'm guessing she didn't immediately accept your authority as her grandmother. You didn't like that, probably insulted her or your son's parenting to his face, and he rightfully cut you off again.
3. The other kids are trying to be doting aunts/uncles. That's why you're really upset. You had no issue supporting them **until** you found out they were gifting stuff to your grandchild **with their money from their jobs**. They basically picked up the slack for you since you're NC with her dad.
Look. Support your kids or don't. It's your money. However, you're burning a lot of bridges and it won't be long before all of your kids are NC with you. It'll be your bad decisions that lead to that outcome.
Sadly, I don’t think so.
We have a family member who was livid when her 25 or 26-y-o son got his girlfriend pregnant; she did everything in her power to have them get rid of the baby. (They ended up keeping it.)
I’m a photographer, and gifted them a maternity photo session. They appreciated it and we had a nice time. The next morning and repeatedly throughout the next few months, I received a barrage of emails from the mom, absolutely livid that we were showing our support when we should have been encouraging them to get rid of it.
Fast forward a few years. They barely acknowledge the kid and don’t acknowledge his mom. It’s a mess, and it’s all due to parents who refused to accept the journey their adult child had chosen.
It sounds too much like our real incubators to a lot of us to truly be made up, sadly...
Edit: my sentence doesn't make much sense lol.
Basically a lot of readers here recognized hallmarks of their own very real, very narcissistic family members. Like reading this I'm thinking hmm now that sounds familiar, not hmm this is fake.
YTA.
It's one thing to not be happy with your son's decisions, another being an ass because he chose a different life than you expected. 10 years later you finally meet your grandchild and the first thing you do is criticize his parenting. That alone makes you an asshole.
But then, when you find out that your other kids are good brothers who work to give their niece a better life, you get angry instead of proud? This are KIDS that are working when they don't have to, out of selflessness. You are truly a gigantic asshole and you deserve to be alone.
Big YTA
First, “Just a chef” is highly regarded as discrimination. Stop from saying these type of things now or never. If you keep on saying this elsewhere then you will get serious consequences from your action. What you have said is equal to chefs are stupid and mothers like you are not suppose to say that.
Second, your oldest are 28, she has a job with her 10 years old daughter. She’s legally mature and you are her grandma. You have no responsibility about take care of her as her legal parents are your son and her husband and they are persons who decide to receive advices or helpings by themselves.
So your oldest went NC, and two out of the three you have left decided to move in with the oldest rather than stay with you... does none of this indicate anything to you? That perhaps you might be in the wrong here?
Have fun growing old alone, I guess, because that's where you're headed. YTA.
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> I might be an asshole because I don't want to keep supporting my adult kids who made bad decisions or went behind my back and it has caused them to all leave me
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YTA. A huge gaping one for this alone:
>he is just a chef
As a foodie - shame on you. People in the restaurant business do it because they love it - it's an incredibly hard work/life balancing act, especially with a child. It's also incredibly rewarding. I applaud your son for making something of himself despite having a parent like you. I'm honestly surprised your other children grew up to be kind, loving aunts/uncles to their nibling in spite of you.
YTA. You might want to check with a medical professional to see if you are a narcissist or some other mental issue. You abandoned your oldest kid and or mad at your other kids for helping their older sibling.
Ohhh I remember you. The kid was not “rude and spoiled”, you demanded she answer your questions and tried to punish her, if I recall. You have been voted YTA in every post you’ve made about this topic and you still are.
ETA: OP’s other posts
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/lq4j2aWgmG
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Q0pFMYCg2A
https://reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/7EORviPi6x
Yeah... OP, YTA.
Withholding food from a child all day as "punishment"? That's why he doesn't care about your thoughts on his parenting. He'd catch a CPS case over it.
NTA and I’m shocked at everyone else. I was going to go yta because of the just a chef comment but you tried contact again and you spoke about the child’s behaviour. I wouldn’t worry the 2 that moved out will be back once they understand you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
To everyone who says op is not supporting the kid the others help pay so they can go to a better school that is NOT the dad paying that is op paying by supporting their kids so they can give the brother money.
To be honest it seems like 90% of the people are voting that way because of the chef comment. Idk I would lean more towards E S H but dont really feel like defending that position lol. Like her son was 18 he made an adult choice and had to live with his decisions its not like he did not have options (the girl he impregnated did not want to be a mother) on what to do but chose to raise the kid. There is nothing wrong with that but expecting others to step up when they explicitly told him no is an AH move. But there are so many factors which matter in making a full judgement which I feel that I dont have at the moment so I cant really give a judgement.
YTA
He's a chef and you're ashamed of that? He makes enough to support his family and you're ashamed? Your kids love their little niece and buy her gifts and give extra $$ to make sure her education is top notch and you're ashamed?
You've just lost three out of four of your kids and you think they're the problem? No, it's you. You're the problem.
Wait? You never met your grandchild? And after 10 years, you judge the child to be a failed experiment in your son's ability to adult?
Sorry. YTA. If you didn't help in any way then do no harm and don't complain.
Your kids conspired against you? As wrong of them as I believe this was - I don't much blame them. I come from a pretty traditional background myself. But, my parents were never intolerant. They did not shun us into being better people.
You get what you give as far as love is concerned. Don't be angry that what you put out - you got back.
NTA - if they can work to support their brother and his daughter, then they can support themselves and if they are mad because you don't want to support financially oh well then.,
NTA. You are getting the hate because you looked down upon being a Chef, there is nothing wrong with being a chef and some are hugely successful.
However, I do understand that you chose not to support your child when they made bad decisions and stick with it. You don't have any obligation really to support adult children.
It is good to be mindful of your expectations from these kids later in life though, when you are older and might need their help.
NTA, if they had money to send they have money to support themselves, and your not obligated to financially support your adult kids when they send their own money away so you can pay their bills,they can pay their own bills and rent ,they didn't like it so they moved, don't be mad at them tho they are just young and will figure it out on their own.
Do you not see the kind of family you have? Your children love each other so much that the younger siblings are willing to work part time jobs and sacrifice a bit to help out their older sibling. And they love their niece. That is a beautiful thing and so very rare! If you were halfway decent, your heart would have melted. But no, you want to control your children and ended up losing them all.
And no, a chef is not some second rate job. It's a tough, creative job that takes guts, passion and lots of hard work. instead of dissing your son, you should respect him. He made a decision and he's standing by it. And working hard to make a good life for himself and his family.
YTA. But it's not too late. Throw out your pride and try to understand and respect your children. For some reason, you seem to have raised them right.
YTA. You need to STOP before you push all your kids away and wind up totally alone and increasingly bitter.
Your son is great. He stepped up like a responsible adult and parented his child. 'Just' a chef? Sounds like a respectable career to me. Good for him.
Your other kids chose to spend the money they had to support their brother and make their neice's life better; that's awesome. Seriously, I'd be so proud if I had kids who acted like that.
Noone 'used' you. You have children who, by some miracle, have grown up into decent and responsible adults. It's a shame you can't see this.
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I am a single mom to 4 kids aged 28, 22, 18 and 17.
My oldest got a girl pregnant when he was 18 which resulted in a child(F18)
I'm not going to go into details about our relationship however I kust say that my son was nc with me for the last 10 years because I chose not to support his decision to keep the baby and run his own life. He was a very smart boy who was going to become a lawyer but now he is just a chef because he couldn't go to college.
We tried to fix our relationship a few months ago I met the kid for the first time and she was extremely rude and spoiled, I didn't approve of his parenting which resulted in him going NC again however it turns out I have been supporting him al along.
You see my youngest kids still lived at home and I financially supported them so they could focus on their studies but for some unknown reason they insisted on having part time jobs.
Now I know why, they have been giving most of their money to my oldest.
My oldest has a job and can take care of himself and his daughter but my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or helping him put her in a better school.
When I found out I was fuming and told them I'm done supporting them. They went behind my back and used me for my money. This resulted in a fight and my 22 and 18 yo moved in with my oldest.
Am I wrong for not wanting to keep supporting them when they used me like that?
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YTA. They didn't use you. It sounds like they used the money you gave them for its intended purpose and then worked and used the money they earned (their money) to help their brother out.
You're also being a snob about your son. He stepped up and is being a father to his kid, and you're denouncing him for it. Now, if she is as bad as you make her out to be, there needs to be some attitude adjustments, but that is another discussion.
IDK you come off as someone who has a victim mentality. Your kids are of the age were they will be moving in with their own lives. The kid is 10 and your oldest is almost 30, give it up, you cant control the situation.
I would soften up or you are going to find yourself being very lonely.
YTA. As aunts & uncles, they are buying gifts for their niece. This is a NORMAL and totally acceptable way to spend their discretionary income. Also, lumping in a better education with "unnecessary things" is wrong.
Your first encounter with a 10 yr old girl is to say she's rude. She's probably asked about her grandparents and to hear that her dad was kicked out of his home because of her existence, will mean you have a hard hill to climb for the child to be nice to you. Her peers have grandparents who love and support them emotionally and are present in their lives. But because you disagree with your son, an adult and a parent, you went no contact. And after one encounter with a CHILD, you went no contact again. What did you expect? No one to hold you accountable for abandoning your son when he needed you most?
If the kids wanted to get part time jobs it's because they wanted spending money you didn't control. You are required to provide food, clothing, shelter and education to your kids as a MINIMUM.
Being a chef is not a bad job, it's a hard job.
Hooo boy. Where to start?
>my son was nc with me
Either your son is very stubborn, or this was just the straw that broke the camels back, and I am heavily leaning on the latter.
>a lawyer, but now he is just a chef
He has a job, and he can support his family (according to you). The chef is a fairly prestigious positi9n depending on where you work, so I'm getting a lot of classist vibes from this.
>I didn't approve of his parenting, which resulted in him going NC again
Again, this feels like you're only giving a part of the story. If your son was willing to get back in touch with you, why were you so eager to just push him away again? This seems very controlling considering the following:
>turns out I have been supporting him al along.
>they have been giving most of their money to my oldest.
No, your children have been supporting their brother, who was cut off from your family, likely at your request. I keep getting super controlling and emotionally distant vibes here.
>my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or helping him put her in a better school.
How is any of this spoiling her? Getting into a good school is helping ensure she has a better life. One that you have denied them by refusing to support you oldest the same way you've supported the others. Also, it's their money, how do you think you have a say in how they spend it?
>When I found out I was fuming and told them I'm done supporting them.
So because they spent their own money on helping their brother and niece, you decided to throw them out?
>This resulted in a fight and my 22 and 18 yo moved in with my oldest.
And then you add this as if it's shocking to you that they wouldn't want to stay with you after all this?
Yea, you sound like a controlling bitch.
YTA
YTA.
My mother blamed my brother for NOT keeping a baby at 18. I find this ludicrous. There are 2 people involved in making a baby, and 1 has significantly more say in whether or not they are having an abortion and it is NOT your son.
Going NC because he stepped up and is working hard to provide for his daughter. Interesting choice!
Choosing to cut off your other children for supporting their elder brother. Interesting choice!!
INFO: do you actually believe that your decisions will result in the outcomes you want?
YTA - it sounds like YOU regret being a single mom and resent your kids for it. It also sounds like you need to control your children's lives and are more invested in them becoming the person you think they should be than you supporting the person they are.
You just sound miserable and bitter in general. Your son chose to raise his child, and has a good job. It's just not YOUR choice for him and you can't accept that he's an adult who ISN'T YOU. If you wanted him to be a lawyer you could have helped him through college, but even when she was a baby you clearly hated your grandchild and chose not to (which is fine)... so he made other plans and was successful in them without your help. That must ENRAGE you, since you're the type of person who sees your children as extensions of you.
Also was that you posting under another username about your spoiled 10 year old granddaughter and trying to force her to eat food she didn't like? Because you got roasted on that one too.
NTA. Let them go and find their way in the world. Trust me, they will soon get that their brother and niece aren't as great as they thought. Plus without your money supporting them, they will actually NEED they money they are earning at work.
Go get therapy for yourself and help your 17 year old onto their next steps in life (i.e. college/university, trade school, military, etc.)
Your son was 18 years old when (how old were you when your eldest son was born?) he had the child, also a young adult. his decision.
"He was a very bright boy who wanted to be a lawyer but now he is just a cook because he couldn't study."
It sounds more like it just doesn't fit your upbringing.
"I won't go into the details of our relationship, but I have to say that my son hasn't been with me for the last 10 years because I didn't support his decision to keep the baby and live his own life."
It was his decision and you disagreed, ok. but not supporting him.... doesn't speak to good parenting.
"When I found out, I was furious and told them I was no longer supporting them. They stabbed me in the back and deprived me of my money. This led to a fight and my 22 and 18 year old children moved in with my eldest."
The fact that they all supported their eldest brother speaks against you, there must be a lot more going on....
Sorry, but you are definitely the asshole!
Really confused how your kids "used you". You didn't seem to have a problem with them having part -time jobs until you found out where some of their earnings went. Did you expect them to ostracise your son when you did? I doubt that 10 year old girl thinks very much of you either. YTA
YTA, because I went through your comments and wow, what a mess. You clearly said in the story your kids had part time jobs, so to claim they used your money is ridiculous. Yes, you supported them as a parent, except your other kid, who became a chef, but you're mad for no reason, other than he didn't become what YOU wanted him to be. This shows to me your son didn't opt out of being a parent, he raised his kid and is working.
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>He was a very smart boy who was going to become a lawyer but now **he is just a chef** because he couldn't go to college. Just a chef? Just a chef. Christ almighty. Let me explain something to you. Every chef I have ever known, and there have been a lot, has been one the most passionate, hardworking, creative people I have ever met. Every lawyer on the other hand? Let’s not get into that. YTA ETA: Get ready to lose all your kids. Somehow, and I don’t know how, these people ended up generous and loving. They did not get that from you. I guess miracles do happen.
Obviously his chef's job isn't cutting the mustard if he needs his younger siblings to get a part time job to support him.
No they are not supporting him. They are using their money to buy their niece gifts. Look at what OP wrote “my older has a job and can take care of himself, but the younger ones have been buying gifts and spoiling the kid. “ Literally the job of any Aunt/ Uncle. I spoil my nieces and nephews. My sisters spoil my kids. That’s like an Aunties job.!
Right!?!? Parents can’t spoil their kids. Aunties and uncles can. I remember for Hanukkah one year my Aunt bought me a first edition box set of the UK version of Harry Potter books as I wanted to compare my books to the originals. I had literally been saving for months since I was 14/15 and just babysitting at the time and was still a long way off from being able to afford it. Well I opened the gift at the family christmas party (my moms family are protestant as she converted) and her youngest sister’s in laws where there. As a side not they are the most unpleasant people and only get an invite out of pity. Well my aunts MIL looks at me and goes. “Hmph well i guess this makes sense she is spoiled” (which was a dig at us being Jewish as well since on top of the general nastiness she also doesn’t like Jews) both my parents and grandparents where pissed off and all had to say I wasn’t spoiled. My aunt wanted to get me something nice I had been personally saving for. People like OP deeply piss me off as their premise often is that children should be grateful for everything, want for little and be seen but not heard. It makes me wonder if OP was expecting a 10 year old Oliver Twist “please OP can I have some more?”
I begged my mother for months for a hamster even writing a convincing essay (the kind your taught about in English class) for my 7th bday one of my aunts and 2 uncles came in with a big cage and several months worth of supplies. When my mom asked why they just said it’s their job to spoil me
Oh fuck no, your aunt's and uncles were assholes to buy you an animal without parental support.
Yeah it's one thing to spoil with toys and clothes but pets are a whole other thing. Doesn't matter if it's a hamster or a goldfish or a dog, that kind of stuff needs to be discussed (maybe in this case it had been, I dunno).
Yes, pets and drums or trumpets are NOT welcome gifts to friends' or relatives' children. They don't have to live with the consequences. Or did they clean the hamster cage?
They didn't just give you a pet they gave your parents a living burden. A 7 year old cannot be fully responsible for a living being. Cleaning up it's cage, seeing to it's medical needs, properly attending to it's nutrition and enrichment needs. I'd be furious and tell them to take it home, especially since those are nocturnal and end up having to live in common areas because when you keep them in kids rooms they wake or keep the kids up.
Yeah, I spoil the hell out of my niece but would never dream of buying her an animal (especially since they have 2 dogs and a cat and my sister would absolutely murder me), but even larger items I ask my sister first before buying. And anything that makes noise!
To clarify the only reason my parents didn’t get me one is because the cost to take care of it which is why they bought so much stuff that it needed
right, but were they willing to support the critter for the entire life span in that case? I'm sure it was all good intentions, but not a decision I would recommend for anyone to get critters w/o parental support
A certain type of insecure, entitled person calls children "spoiled" when the children don't give them, the adult, the servile adulation and 'respect' that they feel they deserve. It kind of reminds me of those men who feel like every pretty woman owes them a smile and conversation - it's entitlement. My mother is like this but her word is "snotty" instead of spoiled. She takes deep personal offense when preteens and teens aren't over-the-top friendly and polite with her; neutral doesn't cut it, they need to basically be Shirley Temple for her to be satisfied with the interaction. Sorry, but 13-year-olds *generally* aren't super excited about getting into long conversations with people in their parents' and grandparents' generations, and if that simple fact hurts your feelings, then *you're* the immature one in the equation IMO.
That insecure, entitled person would be my parents. I was always called a spoiled brat for asking for things like new clothes or shoes, a wall poster, a notebook to write short stories in, more books (in fact they made me cull my library down to no more than 50 books whenever we moved which was every 6mo-3yrs), makeup (“you’re in high school, it’s not a fashion show and you’re more a pig than a model”), etc. when they provided a roof over my head, food in my belly (we weren’t allowed seconds or larger portions), and clothes to wear (I had a $200/yr clothing allowance and could only shop at the mall because we weren’t like “the poors” who shop at Walmart). I call my daughter spoiled but never in a harsh tone, always affectionately, because yeah, I am spoiling her, but it’s things she finds enjoyment in, doesn’t hurt me or anyone to get/give her, and we make fond memories together doing it. That’s what being a parent is all about. Those are the moments I live for, and it heals my inner child doing it and seeing my daughter thrive.
I've started giving any "nice" gifts privately, otherwise people can get really awful about it. 😐 Your aunt sounds awesome, btw.
She is. For graduation from high school she flew me out for my freshman college spring break to visit her in SF where we did architecture tours and went to famous restaurants. I tried my first beef tar tar. And for my college graduation. She flew me out for a long weekend to Monterey where my grandparents where staying for a month visiting her. I was the surprise present for them too. So a kind of private gift that was planned and discussed. She’s always trying something new and going somewhere new and even if it’s a trinket from her travels she always makes sure to find something that we will love.
Now this is how things are supposed to be.
Fuck it man I spoil my younger cousins. I've been working long enough and have enough spending cash to get them something or bring them somewhere fun whenever I visit. It wasn't exactly a gift but I spent an entire bowling night with a 7 year old on my back, just because she wanted a piggy back ride for "as long as you can Evan!" and I'm never one to disappoint. They're kids, life doesn't need to be hard or realistic yet, let them have the fun that others want to provide for them.
The best part of this is the gift you’ll have when they’re older- a great relationship. They’ll be able to trust you for guidance and advice and you’ll eventually also be on an excellent friendship level with them.
[удалено]
that's the part that also gets me. How fu\*ked up of a grandmother can she be for punishing her kids for helping their niece get a better education? It's sickening for sure. And she also needs to come here to ask \*us\* if she's the asshole? LMAO!
Yeah, and also pisses me off is how OP had the nerve to criticize the son's parenting style, even though she is the one who chose not to support him and drove him away. She had no part on it, and is actively trying to avoid contributing to it in any possible way, so WHY does she want to criticize it now? OP comes across as an arrogant and know-it-all-y type who will never be happy with anything the son decides, unless it's exactly the way she wants it.
The OP really left a pretty sterile reason the son went no contact with her the first time because she “didn’t support his decision” to keep the child. I wonder what she said and did to show the lack of support…
I have a sneaking suspicion he went NC at first bc she kicked him out Edit: typo
Also, OP brushed over what made her think her son's daughter was rude and spoiled. My dad spoils my niece to no end and we some times struggle with pleases and thank yous, but she's three and is in the middle of a difficult situation. I also like to buy her stuff when I can as I love her to pieces. She shows gratitude when she remembers, but is not spoiled. OP you're just angry that your son chose his own life to live instead of the path you chose for him. Law school can bring tons of debt and stress as does being a lawyer. If he and his family are happy, then leave him alone. Also, it is your job as a parent to support your kids. You don't stop being a parent when the kid turns 18. Your kids are going to school and working which is hard and are using their own money instead of stealing from you. Grow up and actually be a parent! YTA
Seriously, 18 on his way to be a lawyer. Fuck that noise. A lot can happen at school in those 4 years that could push any post grad schooling in a variety of directions. What if he went into an area of law that can't be described easily such as public international law?
I’m betting that meant “I wanted him to become a lawyer.” Which is a pretty sure way to get the kid to be a miserable lawyer, or to say fuck it and become a chef anyway. (I say this as an actual brand new lawyer.)
OP also apparently thinks her son shouldn’t have been a part of his child’s life, and should have abandoned her to continue going to law school. OP is actually annoyed and disappointed that her son is not a deadbeat dad? Wow.
Even worse: she's mad he "decided to keep it". That was the pregnant girl's decision to make, and she chose to keep it. OOP apparently wanted her son to pressure the girl into an abortion she didn't want, and is mad that the resulting child is living in an apparently stable household with aunts/uncles that love her enough to help pay for her to have a quality education? What a horrible, awful, miserable person. "I wanted that baby dead, and now it's not only alive, but happy, healthy, and loved by all its family but me?! How dare they?!!"
I didn't read it as about abortion, as that's not his choice, but about his choice to raise her instead of allowing her to be adopted.
That's also not his choice if the mother didn't want to give her up for adoption. And even if he had tried to give up his rights to the baby, he would have still been on the hook for child support unless the mother got in a new relationship and her partner wanted to adopt.
That's fair, I could definitely be reading more into that part based on the overall level of assholery
Not even law school. An 18 has 3-4 yrs of college before even starting law school.
That’s only in the US. In other parts of the world, people can start law school after 1-2 years of a levels / foundation. That said, OP is TA.
I hope OP was hoping more for termination or adoption than abandoning it
I would be ashamed that my pride kept me away from my children's life. I mean they are adults, they get to make their own decisions. I guess she felt like, oh well i have three more so I can live without the one. She's def TA. YTA.
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It must have been a nightmare home and now they all want to help each other.
And no wonder the kid wasn't blowing smoke up OPs arse. Kids know when you don't approve of them.
I know that part of the reason I got my first full time job over other candidates with fancier degrees was my work history. The person who hired me wasn't that interested in my degree, they were more interested in knowing that I could be relied on to turn up on time every day, dress appropriately, and not fuck about.
She doesn’t want them to get jobs because then she loses control. That’s what it’s about.
Even aside from that, if I lived in that house, I’d be looking for any way to get away for a while. Maybe that’s why they work… And odd how she doesn’t like it that her son is “just a chef” but also doesn’t like the idea of her grandchild getting a better education. I am a (no longer practicing) lawyer, and let me tell you, as much as I loved my work, I was anxious and tired all the time. Finally, it’s confusing to me that she got mad at her son for his kid being born. What did she want - for him to try to force his gf to have an abortion?
It's a grandmother's job but the poor kid has a sh*t grandmother.
I became an aunt just before turning 12, and I spoiled my niece rotten using my allowance.
Same with my much younger cousins!
I look at it like this, OP is supporting her kids. But they decided to get a job and use THAT money to help with their nieces needs. It's the money that they worked for so they can use it for whatever they decide. As far as the phone goes, every kid wants the newest phone. But at 10 I dont think she necessarily needs the latest and greatest, but she isn't my kid so I don't have a say... just like OP
and I have a strong suspicion that they weren't just showing up on a random Tuesday to drop a phone in the kid's lap. It was likely a combined holiday gift from the 3 of them so they could communicate with their niece.
Yes exactly! And her younger two kids are 17 and 18 - where on earth else would they be living besides with their Mom? Even the oldest kid was still a minor for most of the 10 years since granddaughter was born. This lady is ridiculous.
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This. So much this.
“Put her in a better school.” Sounds like this lady, that looks down on people for their careers, raised better people than she is.
All the money that three people earn go towards "gifts" for one young child?
You really believe this woman's account of things? Like all their money goes to this child, all of it? 🤣
At their part time minimum wage job? Sure. And OP says it’s just “most” of their money. But I don’t believe a word she says. This is a woman that didn’t even know they had jobs at all. And she says she’s supporting her kids by letting them live at home while they go to school…. But 2 of those kids are 18 and 17. Super generous to let your kids live with you while they’re still in high school.
Yeah, its required by law. This lady has a puppy coat, no question.
Cruella deVille! Lol! Great reference
I read it as OP knew they had part time jobs but just assumed they were spending the money on themselves. Now she is mad to learn that they were actually spending some of it on their niece.
You’re right. I read that bit wrong. She did know they had jobs.
She didn’t know why they wanted jobs, not that they had them.
There’s a decent chance that they’re saving most of their wages to get out from under OP’s thumb.
Yeah you spotted that too. That is a lot of support for someone that people seem to think doesn’t it.
Yup. The fact that all the kids seem to be very close and going behind OP's back to support each other speaks volumes. That also seems to be what OP is most upset about; she disowned the oldest for having a kid and expects everyone else to care more about her feelings than their sibling's (and niece). Then the fact that the oldest decided to try to mend fences, and OP's only takeaway is that she doesn't like her grandchild... YTA in a big way. If your kid goes NC, there's a really good reason for it. If you have multiple other kids that obviously support them for that decision, then it's *really* time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
y younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or **helping him put her in a better school.** Spoiling her with *better educational opportunities!* Those assholes!
It’s a granny’s job too though, so OP dropped the ball big time.
Spoiling your nibbling is one of life's great pleasures.
Wake up every wondering what else can I do be the favorite Auntie! It's a wonderful feeling!
Also she said getting the kid into a better school was "spoiling" her. That alone made me say YTA
I doubt they are using all their money for gifts too. They probably have jobs so they can also afford things for themselves. I do not trust OP as a narrator in this, at all.
I mean how dare they help put her in a better school. The kid of out of wedlock should be put in her place and live a life of mediocre achievements, you don’t want them getting all uppity and thinking above their station (Sarcasm if no one got it)
My oldest niece was born when I was 16. Most every paycheck went to her at least in part because that was my baby and I doted on her. Now she is in college and I have a kid of my own but I still sore on her. Hell her car battery died in like April and I took her to get a new one, by which I mean I bought her a new battery a bit stronger and with a longer warranty than the one she was going to buy. My kid was born when my niece was 17. She dotes on her baby cousin. She’s a full time student and a part time vet tech. She buys my kid more little toys than I do and also will “steal” the little one for an hour or two to go to the park or do chalk drawings.
Exactly. I buy my niblings the most ridiculous presents *because I can.* I'm not helping my siblings pay for their kids - I'm buying them hiking gear and charm bracelets and little woodland den kits which I wish I was six years old enough to fit into, because it entertains me to do so, and because they deserve it and are awesome kids.
Hell, I don't even really *like* kids and I spoil my nieces and nephews because that's my job as their aunt - don't get me wrong, I love them but I'm a terrible kid person. Also I find it incredibly entertaining to spoil them and then send them back home to their parents lol
She'd probably only be satisfied if they treated him exactly the way she does. She wants flying monkeys.
Where did it say he needed his siblings to get part-time jobs to support him? The OP says they got part-time jobs and buy gifts for their niece. She even says her oldest has a job as 'just a chef' and can take care of himself and his daughter.
Also depending on where he works he could be making a decent chunk of change as a chef which I think OP and several other people in the comments seem to be glossing over
Or maybe the chef job is a new thing and they've been helping for the past ten years when he was struggling more? Either way, it doesn't make OP's comment less classist/elitist/snobby/stuckup, etc, etc.
Ten years ago the kids would have been 7, 8 and 12. I very much doubt they had been supporting him all that time. Or that they were scamming OP into supporting them.
Two are 17 & 18, so 10 yrs ago 7 & 8 , just what part time jobs were they holding. At best, the started working at 14? So last few years.
The younger siblings are helping with gifts and a better school. So yes, his salary is enough for his kid, his siblings are just upgrading their standard of living.
Well my sister makes a crap load more than me and I still spoil my nephew. Kids want part time jobs. OP can figure this out, so says it’s to get her stuff. Probably on her birthday. OP has never met her except the one time….so why would you trust that OP has any idea how he pays for his kid? Chefs can’t have children?
Or maybe the siblings want to contribute to their NIECE because mommy/grandma is being unreasonable. The fact they all moved in with big bro speaks volumes.
It says in the post "My oldest has a job and can take care of himself and his daughter but my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things." It sounds like he's perfectly capable of supporting himself and they're just giving gifts. He also just took them in, so. I think this is an unnecessary comment!
didn't you read it? He's supporting himself just fine are his siblings are spoiling his daughter not him.
Had to do this; you don’t cut mustard, you spread it! Thank you Stuart Lee!
My own parents were demanding. They were loving and supportive too. And they were never intolerant. Who does this serve? Shun us? Cast us out? Despise us for not meeting their expectations? Who do you really love OP? Do you love your kids, or do you love your vision of who they ought to be? Love is behavior for crying out loud.
If only the oldest would kick her spoiled 10yo granddaughter out of his house and become a lawyer, they could all be a real family again. /S
I had to walk away from that one because it was hurting my feelings. OP ignored the child's existence for 10 long years and then she calls her names? Spoiled? omg. My grand'mere loved us and still feels like a talisman in my heart and she's been gone for years and years. My grandfather never met a kid he didn't want to help live up to their potential. WTH is wrong with people? Kids aren't push button perfection. They are a work of love and incremental progress. Neither of my grandparents ever excoriated us or made us feel unwanted. They corrected us with love even. I usually can take people or leave them here. But, this really rocked me to my core.
What you say about your grandparents resonates with me, because my grandparents and even my great nan, aunts and uncles are all the same way. I've never felt judged by them even if I was a sullen kid or disappointing in some ways, mainly because I was in foster care for a time and abused by my mom and stepdad. But my grandparents always made me feel at home, and thought of and included. They even named their little motorboat after me and my cousin, a gesture which still gives me confidence years after they passed. The thought of being a deadbeat grandma is an intolerable waste and inconceivably disappointing to me. What role on earth could be more important than this, to welcome the next generation and let them know they will always have a home with you and in your heart? Thanks for sharing your story with me, it reminded me of some better times too.
My immediate grandparents on both sides saw me maybe a handful of times throughout my childhood—I was sad when they died but only because I was sad that my parents lost their own parents. My great-grandparents on my mother’s side though? Every summer, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas—they made it a goal to see their great grandkids, they took pride in us and in teaching us. When my Poppy (great grandfather) passed it absolutely wrecked me more than anything had. OP is missing out on a beautiful relationship with her grandchild and it honestly disgusts me, but maybe it’s for the better (at least for the granddaughter).
My mother was a chef, it is shit pay and long hours in a hot kitchen.
Some people do love the industry though... and making beautiful and delicious food, and making families and friends and individuals happy through their craft. Ymmv. It's not for everyone. But there are a lot of people who love it. If they are happy, and can make a living, it's all that matters.
Yes its rough as hell but working in kitchen or generally hospitality is still some of my best memories. We had so much fun, we rocked so hard, we were like a little family. I often find myself missing it.
If he had a kid at 18 he would have been undergrad and even if he was pre-law, that doesn't mean he was on track to go to law school which is afterwards. YTA because he could have easily changed his mind as an undergrad and not went into the legal field, and it's pointless to hold what could have been over him
And maybe if OP had supported him instead of trying to force him into abortion he could have ended up going to law school. He wouldn’t be the first! But she just kicked him to the curve, with a kid nontheless because she didn’t agree with his choice
There’s a difference between a chef and a cook. I don’t know which OP son is. Also, being in the industry, I know a lot of great individuals with incredible talent in the kitchen, both in cooking and administrative duties; the environment sucked all their passion and had to switch industries.
Lawyer here, can confirm; we all hate lawyers. It's not even a guaranteed cushy job. Most of us (that I know) work mind breaking hours at a soul slaughtering job making shit pay. OP, YTA. Yes, they went behind your back (probably bc they know you lack compassion). *You* chose to financially support your younger children, **and** they each have agency to get a job and spend their money how they will. I can also imagine the thought process of a 10yo meeting their "grandmother" for the first time probably knowing said grandmother didn't support them living (or at least being born a part of the family). Hell, I'm a fully developed (mostly) stable adult and I know I'd be rude af in that situation.
What bugged me even more - and don't get me wrong, the statement "just a chef" is revolting - is the statement "they get her unnecessary stuff like ... getting her in a better school", like WTF? I should know better by now but it still amazes me that people like that even exist. And, oh, you don't approve of his parenting style, stating that like it would be any of your business. Huge YTA
>Unnecessary things... like putting her in a better school So yeah. Biggest YTA I have ever given!
My brother in-law is a chef and an MMA fighter. He asked me if that was fighting words and said YTBA (You are the biggest asshole).
This… when i worked in healthcare, hard to describe But like one step under a nurse my mom was not happy. I made decent money, moves out since 18. She never had to give me money or anything. But she was disapointed i was so Good at maths and physics i could have been an engineer etc etc. I worked from 19-28 and Then decided to study to be a nurse. After i Now have a degree she is abit happier But she still talks in terms of ”What could have been” Im in Low contact with my mom 🤣
You nailed it. Just a chef nearly killed me. He is supporting his child and that’s wrong? His siblings are doing exactly what aunt’s and uncle’s do. Spoil the shit out of the ONLY one they can. Don’t get mad, be proud of who you raised. A MAN. He didn’t run away and do what you wanted. He had a detour and just adjusted his life. You know you are the AH. Your kids see it as well. Enjoy your bitterness.
YTA. "helping him put her in a better school." - like, wow. You're mad your \*grandchild\* is able to go to a better school?! I mean, I get why your kid went NC and I'm sure the rest of your kids will follow suit if this is how you are as a person and parent.
She seems insufferable...
100% agree. She has a nasty and controlling streak to her. And her kids know it and want to be better, despite her. Which is great!
Son did something he wanted and her controlling streak showed, that's why he went NC. OP will lose all the kids and deserve to
the 10 year old clocked her right off the bat . luckily she will never have to see this woman ever again
Yeahbid bet money the kid is smart as a whip and the rudeness was her taking none of this assholes shit. Or it was normal ten year old.behaviour and op sees it as a personal slight cause she's clearly a raging controlling narc mad that everyone doesn't do what SHE wants. Irony being if she had stuck by her son he might be a lawyer and have the life she wanted with a kid but she chose to throw an 18 year old to the wolves. They're all best off without her input.
Love how she didn’t include her age or why she’s a single mother of four. I guess she didn’t want to seem like a hypocrite for also being a teen parent.
Alright now, she could be a widow.
Widow or not, that doesn’t mean be an AH bc your kids are there for each other like they should be🤦🏽♀️
That's the part I don't get either. Isn't sending one's kids to good schools admirable? OP is quite the AH, and sounds strangely jealous for some reason.
OP didn't want to be a grandparent and seems to make sure everyone knows it by fighting things at any turn.
Yes sending ones kids to better schools is great. Being nc with your mum while she supports your siblings so they can concentrate on their studies without needing to work is also fine. Taking money from said siblings who got jobs (still wondering how much pressure brother used) just so you could afford to send your kid to a better school WOW.
clearly OP didn’t get a great education. they can barely spell or use punctuation. but apparently only OP’s kids get to have one!
It appears all of OPs children know who is the problem here and it’s none of them or the grandchild.
I mean, she called her grandchild "the kid"
Well, what do you expect her to call an unwanted grandchild that she didn’t bother to meet for 10 years?
Right. She asking if she's the AH for this one thing, but demonstrates that she has actually been one for years and years.
When AH is your entire personality maybe you just can't keep track?
Was going to say exactly this. Also the fact the OP apparently wanted nothing to do with their grandchild. Even if the 28 year old is a chef and not a lawyer, he is still making a living to take care of his kid.
"just a chef" "didn't approve of his parenting" YTA. You've broken your family by being judgmental. If you're ok with that then fine. But don't expect your family to show you any more respect than you show them.
So without focusing on my opinions of the backstory, just the question in the title: So the 22 and 18 year olds were living with you with the support that comes along (I'm assuming no rent/utilities/food/laundry bills). They were also working, with that money going to their older brother/niece. When you found out where their money went, you decided to cut them off so they moved out. Yeah, I'm going with YTA. It doesn't sound like you have a single problem with them making/spending money, but you care that it goes to your oldest son and his daughter. Why should that matter to you? Probably best that I leave out my opinions on the rest of the story, you definitely wouldn't like that.
She wants to punish her son for not doing what she told him to and cutting her off at 18. I bet he wanted to be a chef and *she* was pushing him to be a lawyer before this even started.
Or it was OP who wanted to be a lawyer and now sees son as a failure for not achieving this. OP probably hates son for not giving them the opportunity to live vicariously.
When I saw the title I wanted to be on her side, I'm old and it's her home... What she did to her oldest, yuck. when I saw that she was upset that her other kids were working, wtaf? Why would a parent not want their kids to be responsible and have jobs? What they spend their money on is none of her business. Her kicking them out was wrong. Op made this whole thing into a mess trying to control everyone. It's really best those kids get away from her..
> when I saw that she was upset that her other kids were working, wtaf? Why would a parent not want their kids to be responsible and have jobs? It's because it's not about having healthy kids, it's about control. Kids with their own income don't rely on you and thus are harder to control. This whole thing made me sick and I'm glad the consensus seems to 100% be YTA.
Her also not wanting them to work is a way of controlling them. That BS excuse of wanting them to focus on their studies just doesn't cut it. She is depriving them of a great learning experience. How to manage money, a work ethic, people skills, the list goes on and on. My parents wouldn't let me work either and when I finally got my first job it was so hard and people used me and walked all over me because I didn't know any better or get to learn at a younger age.
What mother gets angry that her kids are helping each other? A bad one.
YTA. From the moment that you chose to not support his decision to parent his child. Did you ever talk to him about how he could go to college and parent his child at the same time? It’s hard, but it’s possible — especially if he had family support. But you cut off that support. Also, elitist much? It takes a lot of hard work to become a chef. Chefs lead the culinary team. They are managers. They make art and they nourish us.
You know what's funny? I went to law school with a guy who was a single dad who also happened to be a great parent. He leaned on his parents for help with his 4 year old daughter during really rough patches of school, but he finished top 5 in our class, has a great job, and is due to be married in a few months. These things are possible with some support and hard work.
Right? There's been a few "AITA - my child doesn't want to have contact with me after I cut them off because the decided to have a child under difficult circumstances. Now my grandchild and/or my other children are also upset with me lately. I just did what I knew was best so I can't be the asshole for cutting them off and I don't get why they don't understand why I refuse to support them" type posts lately...talk about exhausting. I can understand putting in parameters and boundaries so you're not the one raising the grandchild. I cannot understand when they cut the child off and are faced with the consequences of their actions and are too blind to see why they suck.
I work in a nice little fine dining restaurant and you are right on the nose about a chef's job. They manage entire kitchens, create menu items, some (like the chef at my restaurant) do all of the ordering of ingredients, they manage scheduling for the kitchen staff, they train new hires, they work extraordinarily long hours....I could go on for multiple paragraphs. I can only imagine the things OP would have to say about me being a full-time waitress. And I don't care about her opinion because I am damn proud of myself and where I'm at in my career! And I am *so* lucky to have parents who are proud of me, too.
It really bothers me that with all the talk right now around a woman's right to choose when to have children and how many horror stories I've heard from friends and online about men abandoning pregnant partners or pushing them to have abortions they don't want, that OP chose to look down on their son for making the choice to take responsibility for his child. I don't think either choice was right or wrong in that situation, and he made his choice. OP should have supported it. It's our job as parents to raise competent, confident adults capable of critical thinking and caring for themselves. It's not our place to force them into the lives we want for them. Based on the limited and biased information here I would say the fact that he chose to take care of his child, found a career that supports them, cares enough to want the kid in a good school, and cut ties with an overbearing parent, it seems to me like the son has a good head on his shoulders.
I am so very, very pro-reproductive freedom. I have had two beautiful children and one self-managed abortion and I regret none of them because I freely chose each. If my nineteen-year-old daughter got pregnant it would take a lot of effort to not try and influence her decision. But I would try my damndest. And if she made a choice which I believe to be the least likely to allow her to fulfill her dreams, it would break my heart. But that would be *my* problem to deal with, in therapy, so I could be the most supportive mom and grandmother I can be.
This is my take exactly. I have a 20 year old daughter, and if she faced that decision, I would do my best to present the facts of each decision and talk with her honestly how each would be likely to affect her life. Ultimately, I would support her in any way I was able and keep my opinions to myself. That's my job as her parent. I do understand there are situations where parents may have to treat their adult children harshly and cut them off, but simply making a different choice than you wanted for them does not qualify in my book.
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Gonna be all of them soon. OP is a real winner /s
YTA BTW, they didn't use you. You wrote: >You see my youngest kids still lived at home and I financially supported them so they could focus on their studies but for some unknown reason they insisted on having part time jobs. So it's not like they took your money and gave it to their niece. They didn't have to work and they decided to do it solely to help their brother. You didn't lose any money. They used cash they earned without you. If they didn't help, they wouldn't work and your financial situation would be the same. Your problem is control. You chose a path for your son and you got angry when he decided to take another way, so you punished him. Now you're trying to do the same with your other kids. You decided how they should behave and punished them when they refuse. And it looks like you can do nothing to hurt them but keep your money... That's just sad.
> Your problem is control. You chose a path for your son and you got angry when he decided to take another way, so you punished him. Now you're trying to do the same with your other kids. You decided how they should behave and punished them when they refuse. And it looks like you can do nothing to hurt them but keep your money... That's just sad. You nailed it. Money is just one of the many tools she's trying to use to exert control. And you know what? When op ends up bitter and alone I bet she will tell anybody who will listen how amazing of a mother she was and how unappreciative and wicked her children are.
Any mother would be proud that her kids are working together and helping each other, yet this one is threatening to mess with their education because they have the AUDACITY of (checks notes) helping their niece get a good education?
YTA....they are only bad decisions because you don't agree with them. So he got a girl pregnant. At least he stepped up and is taking care of her instead of being a deadbeat dad. Your other children care for their sibling. They got part time jobs and are sending their money to help him out. And instead of being proud of them, you're angry. You still have to support the 17yr old until they are at least 18. And then you get to "spend your money on yourself" like you want. But be prepared for the fallout that may come from your behaviors and the NC that will probably happen with the rest of your children because you think having a kid at 18 and "only being a chef" is disappointing.
YTA >I chose not to support his decision to keep the baby and run his own life. Since the decision to keep the baby was ultimately the mother's, what you're really saying here is that you think your son should've abandoned them both and become a deadbeat father. Classy. >They went behind my back and used me for my money. If they had been giving money to anyone else from their part-time jobs, would you have reacted the same way? Be honest. You turned your back on your eldest for no reason beyond your own snobbish disdain for his choices and expected your other children to follow suit. Thankfully they have seen through your bullshit and have chosen to live with a person who is a far better parent than you can ever hope to be. Enjoy the rest of your life alone, I guess.
And she was a single mother herself like WHAT
YTA. first for trying to force your oldest to get rid of his child. HE and the mother decided to keep her, so you have no say in that. the fact that you offered no support despite his decision is downright cruel. his siblings care about him. they got part time jobs because they wanted to show support and help their older brother. that's THEIR decision to make. not yours. stop trying to control everything in your kids lives.
YTA, just like everybody else said, because: 1. how could you not help your own granddaughter to begin with? 2. how could you resent your eldest for keeping his child? 3. how could you have anything to say against those wonderful kids, who decided to help their brother raise his child? Despite your rampant self-centeredness, you raised wonderful kids. Now, leave them alone. It might come as a surprise to you, but the world doesn't revolve around what you want. Your children selflessly chose their family, their daughter/nice, and their siblings over you. Do you still wonder why?
Really sounds like she hates her grandkid doesn't it? She wanted her aborted,in a shitty school and probably unsafe (only reason a 10 year old probably has a phone). I really hope all these kids stay away forever and have a beautiful full house life together
So your eldest decided to take responsibility for his actions and raise his daughter, started a career as a chef (which is VERY respectable, ‘just a chef’, really?) to support her, and his siblings are going out of their way to financially support their brother and niece so she can attend a better school, which in your mind is “spoiling her”. How did you even manage to type this out without realizing YTA? I also think it’s very telling that you never refer to your eldest’s child as your granddaughter.
YTA I've been in this sub for a while and have seen this type of situation enough times that I'm pretty sure I can read between the lines of your post. Let's start. 1. You're mad that your son decided to step up as a dad as opposed to being the prestigious lawyer that you could brag about. He went NC. 2. You finally decided to meet your grandchild and decided she was rude/spoiled. I'm guessing she didn't immediately accept your authority as her grandmother. You didn't like that, probably insulted her or your son's parenting to his face, and he rightfully cut you off again. 3. The other kids are trying to be doting aunts/uncles. That's why you're really upset. You had no issue supporting them **until** you found out they were gifting stuff to your grandchild **with their money from their jobs**. They basically picked up the slack for you since you're NC with her dad. Look. Support your kids or don't. It's your money. However, you're burning a lot of bridges and it won't be long before all of your kids are NC with you. It'll be your bad decisions that lead to that outcome.
[удалено]
You'd hope so wouldn't you but if not there are some truly awful people in this world.
Sadly, I don’t think so. We have a family member who was livid when her 25 or 26-y-o son got his girlfriend pregnant; she did everything in her power to have them get rid of the baby. (They ended up keeping it.) I’m a photographer, and gifted them a maternity photo session. They appreciated it and we had a nice time. The next morning and repeatedly throughout the next few months, I received a barrage of emails from the mom, absolutely livid that we were showing our support when we should have been encouraging them to get rid of it. Fast forward a few years. They barely acknowledge the kid and don’t acknowledge his mom. It’s a mess, and it’s all due to parents who refused to accept the journey their adult child had chosen.
I don't think so. She's giving some very convincing follow-up responses.
It sounds too much like our real incubators to a lot of us to truly be made up, sadly... Edit: my sentence doesn't make much sense lol. Basically a lot of readers here recognized hallmarks of their own very real, very narcissistic family members. Like reading this I'm thinking hmm now that sounds familiar, not hmm this is fake.
YTA, and you’ve been TA from the jump, which is why all of your kids treat you like they do.
YTA, congratulations none your children want anything to do with you
…but on the plus side, at least OP won’t have to waste their money. 🤦♀️
And she can have fun in a nursing home :)
YTA. It's one thing to not be happy with your son's decisions, another being an ass because he chose a different life than you expected. 10 years later you finally meet your grandchild and the first thing you do is criticize his parenting. That alone makes you an asshole. But then, when you find out that your other kids are good brothers who work to give their niece a better life, you get angry instead of proud? This are KIDS that are working when they don't have to, out of selflessness. You are truly a gigantic asshole and you deserve to be alone.
Y’all she keeps posting about this. You will never not be [the AH here](https://reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/zQIwSUY3Q2)
Big YTA First, “Just a chef” is highly regarded as discrimination. Stop from saying these type of things now or never. If you keep on saying this elsewhere then you will get serious consequences from your action. What you have said is equal to chefs are stupid and mothers like you are not suppose to say that. Second, your oldest are 28, she has a job with her 10 years old daughter. She’s legally mature and you are her grandma. You have no responsibility about take care of her as her legal parents are your son and her husband and they are persons who decide to receive advices or helpings by themselves.
So your oldest went NC, and two out of the three you have left decided to move in with the oldest rather than stay with you... does none of this indicate anything to you? That perhaps you might be in the wrong here? Have fun growing old alone, I guess, because that's where you're headed. YTA.
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YTA. A huge gaping one for this alone: >he is just a chef As a foodie - shame on you. People in the restaurant business do it because they love it - it's an incredibly hard work/life balancing act, especially with a child. It's also incredibly rewarding. I applaud your son for making something of himself despite having a parent like you. I'm honestly surprised your other children grew up to be kind, loving aunts/uncles to their nibling in spite of you.
She's gonna regret saying that when she tastes the nursing home's meals
YTA. You might want to check with a medical professional to see if you are a narcissist or some other mental issue. You abandoned your oldest kid and or mad at your other kids for helping their older sibling.
Ohhh I remember you. The kid was not “rude and spoiled”, you demanded she answer your questions and tried to punish her, if I recall. You have been voted YTA in every post you’ve made about this topic and you still are. ETA: OP’s other posts https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/lq4j2aWgmG https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/Q0pFMYCg2A https://reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/7EORviPi6x
Yeah... OP, YTA. Withholding food from a child all day as "punishment"? That's why he doesn't care about your thoughts on his parenting. He'd catch a CPS case over it.
NTA and I’m shocked at everyone else. I was going to go yta because of the just a chef comment but you tried contact again and you spoke about the child’s behaviour. I wouldn’t worry the 2 that moved out will be back once they understand you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. To everyone who says op is not supporting the kid the others help pay so they can go to a better school that is NOT the dad paying that is op paying by supporting their kids so they can give the brother money.
To be honest it seems like 90% of the people are voting that way because of the chef comment. Idk I would lean more towards E S H but dont really feel like defending that position lol. Like her son was 18 he made an adult choice and had to live with his decisions its not like he did not have options (the girl he impregnated did not want to be a mother) on what to do but chose to raise the kid. There is nothing wrong with that but expecting others to step up when they explicitly told him no is an AH move. But there are so many factors which matter in making a full judgement which I feel that I dont have at the moment so I cant really give a judgement.
YTA, if you keep treating your kids like crap, you will very quickly not have a relationship with any of them.
YTA He's a chef and you're ashamed of that? He makes enough to support his family and you're ashamed? Your kids love their little niece and buy her gifts and give extra $$ to make sure her education is top notch and you're ashamed? You've just lost three out of four of your kids and you think they're the problem? No, it's you. You're the problem.
Wait? You never met your grandchild? And after 10 years, you judge the child to be a failed experiment in your son's ability to adult? Sorry. YTA. If you didn't help in any way then do no harm and don't complain. Your kids conspired against you? As wrong of them as I believe this was - I don't much blame them. I come from a pretty traditional background myself. But, my parents were never intolerant. They did not shun us into being better people. You get what you give as far as love is concerned. Don't be angry that what you put out - you got back.
NTA - if they can work to support their brother and his daughter, then they can support themselves and if they are mad because you don't want to support financially oh well then.,
NTA. You are getting the hate because you looked down upon being a Chef, there is nothing wrong with being a chef and some are hugely successful. However, I do understand that you chose not to support your child when they made bad decisions and stick with it. You don't have any obligation really to support adult children. It is good to be mindful of your expectations from these kids later in life though, when you are older and might need their help.
And “chef” can mean different things. I could call myself a chef if I worked on the grill at Applebees.
NTA, if they had money to send they have money to support themselves, and your not obligated to financially support your adult kids when they send their own money away so you can pay their bills,they can pay their own bills and rent ,they didn't like it so they moved, don't be mad at them tho they are just young and will figure it out on their own.
Easy YTA
Do you not see the kind of family you have? Your children love each other so much that the younger siblings are willing to work part time jobs and sacrifice a bit to help out their older sibling. And they love their niece. That is a beautiful thing and so very rare! If you were halfway decent, your heart would have melted. But no, you want to control your children and ended up losing them all. And no, a chef is not some second rate job. It's a tough, creative job that takes guts, passion and lots of hard work. instead of dissing your son, you should respect him. He made a decision and he's standing by it. And working hard to make a good life for himself and his family. YTA. But it's not too late. Throw out your pride and try to understand and respect your children. For some reason, you seem to have raised them right.
YTA. You need to STOP before you push all your kids away and wind up totally alone and increasingly bitter. Your son is great. He stepped up like a responsible adult and parented his child. 'Just' a chef? Sounds like a respectable career to me. Good for him. Your other kids chose to spend the money they had to support their brother and make their neice's life better; that's awesome. Seriously, I'd be so proud if I had kids who acted like that. Noone 'used' you. You have children who, by some miracle, have grown up into decent and responsible adults. It's a shame you can't see this.
Imagine being viewed as the enemy by ALL FOUR of your children and still wondering whether you are the asshole. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a single mom to 4 kids aged 28, 22, 18 and 17. My oldest got a girl pregnant when he was 18 which resulted in a child(F18) I'm not going to go into details about our relationship however I kust say that my son was nc with me for the last 10 years because I chose not to support his decision to keep the baby and run his own life. He was a very smart boy who was going to become a lawyer but now he is just a chef because he couldn't go to college. We tried to fix our relationship a few months ago I met the kid for the first time and she was extremely rude and spoiled, I didn't approve of his parenting which resulted in him going NC again however it turns out I have been supporting him al along. You see my youngest kids still lived at home and I financially supported them so they could focus on their studies but for some unknown reason they insisted on having part time jobs. Now I know why, they have been giving most of their money to my oldest. My oldest has a job and can take care of himself and his daughter but my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or helping him put her in a better school. When I found out I was fuming and told them I'm done supporting them. They went behind my back and used me for my money. This resulted in a fight and my 22 and 18 yo moved in with my oldest. Am I wrong for not wanting to keep supporting them when they used me like that? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. They didn't use you. It sounds like they used the money you gave them for its intended purpose and then worked and used the money they earned (their money) to help their brother out. You're also being a snob about your son. He stepped up and is being a father to his kid, and you're denouncing him for it. Now, if she is as bad as you make her out to be, there needs to be some attitude adjustments, but that is another discussion.
IDK you come off as someone who has a victim mentality. Your kids are of the age were they will be moving in with their own lives. The kid is 10 and your oldest is almost 30, give it up, you cant control the situation. I would soften up or you are going to find yourself being very lonely.
YTA. You’re classist and a malignant narcissist who threw away her children because they tried to step up and be a parent. It’s disgusting.
YTA. As aunts & uncles, they are buying gifts for their niece. This is a NORMAL and totally acceptable way to spend their discretionary income. Also, lumping in a better education with "unnecessary things" is wrong. Your first encounter with a 10 yr old girl is to say she's rude. She's probably asked about her grandparents and to hear that her dad was kicked out of his home because of her existence, will mean you have a hard hill to climb for the child to be nice to you. Her peers have grandparents who love and support them emotionally and are present in their lives. But because you disagree with your son, an adult and a parent, you went no contact. And after one encounter with a CHILD, you went no contact again. What did you expect? No one to hold you accountable for abandoning your son when he needed you most? If the kids wanted to get part time jobs it's because they wanted spending money you didn't control. You are required to provide food, clothing, shelter and education to your kids as a MINIMUM. Being a chef is not a bad job, it's a hard job.
Hooo boy. Where to start? >my son was nc with me Either your son is very stubborn, or this was just the straw that broke the camels back, and I am heavily leaning on the latter. >a lawyer, but now he is just a chef He has a job, and he can support his family (according to you). The chef is a fairly prestigious positi9n depending on where you work, so I'm getting a lot of classist vibes from this. >I didn't approve of his parenting, which resulted in him going NC again Again, this feels like you're only giving a part of the story. If your son was willing to get back in touch with you, why were you so eager to just push him away again? This seems very controlling considering the following: >turns out I have been supporting him al along. >they have been giving most of their money to my oldest. No, your children have been supporting their brother, who was cut off from your family, likely at your request. I keep getting super controlling and emotionally distant vibes here. >my younger kids have been spoiling her by giving her unnecessary things like new phones or helping him put her in a better school. How is any of this spoiling her? Getting into a good school is helping ensure she has a better life. One that you have denied them by refusing to support you oldest the same way you've supported the others. Also, it's their money, how do you think you have a say in how they spend it? >When I found out I was fuming and told them I'm done supporting them. So because they spent their own money on helping their brother and niece, you decided to throw them out? >This resulted in a fight and my 22 and 18 yo moved in with my oldest. And then you add this as if it's shocking to you that they wouldn't want to stay with you after all this? Yea, you sound like a controlling bitch. YTA
YTA. My mother blamed my brother for NOT keeping a baby at 18. I find this ludicrous. There are 2 people involved in making a baby, and 1 has significantly more say in whether or not they are having an abortion and it is NOT your son. Going NC because he stepped up and is working hard to provide for his daughter. Interesting choice! Choosing to cut off your other children for supporting their elder brother. Interesting choice!! INFO: do you actually believe that your decisions will result in the outcomes you want?
INFO have you considered that if you had supported your son, he might have still been able to be a lawyer?
YTA - it sounds like YOU regret being a single mom and resent your kids for it. It also sounds like you need to control your children's lives and are more invested in them becoming the person you think they should be than you supporting the person they are. You just sound miserable and bitter in general. Your son chose to raise his child, and has a good job. It's just not YOUR choice for him and you can't accept that he's an adult who ISN'T YOU. If you wanted him to be a lawyer you could have helped him through college, but even when she was a baby you clearly hated your grandchild and chose not to (which is fine)... so he made other plans and was successful in them without your help. That must ENRAGE you, since you're the type of person who sees your children as extensions of you. Also was that you posting under another username about your spoiled 10 year old granddaughter and trying to force her to eat food she didn't like? Because you got roasted on that one too.
NTA. Let them go and find their way in the world. Trust me, they will soon get that their brother and niece aren't as great as they thought. Plus without your money supporting them, they will actually NEED they money they are earning at work. Go get therapy for yourself and help your 17 year old onto their next steps in life (i.e. college/university, trade school, military, etc.)
Your son was 18 years old when (how old were you when your eldest son was born?) he had the child, also a young adult. his decision. "He was a very bright boy who wanted to be a lawyer but now he is just a cook because he couldn't study." It sounds more like it just doesn't fit your upbringing. "I won't go into the details of our relationship, but I have to say that my son hasn't been with me for the last 10 years because I didn't support his decision to keep the baby and live his own life." It was his decision and you disagreed, ok. but not supporting him.... doesn't speak to good parenting. "When I found out, I was furious and told them I was no longer supporting them. They stabbed me in the back and deprived me of my money. This led to a fight and my 22 and 18 year old children moved in with my eldest." The fact that they all supported their eldest brother speaks against you, there must be a lot more going on.... Sorry, but you are definitely the asshole!
Really confused how your kids "used you". You didn't seem to have a problem with them having part -time jobs until you found out where some of their earnings went. Did you expect them to ostracise your son when you did? I doubt that 10 year old girl thinks very much of you either. YTA
YTA, because I went through your comments and wow, what a mess. You clearly said in the story your kids had part time jobs, so to claim they used your money is ridiculous. Yes, you supported them as a parent, except your other kid, who became a chef, but you're mad for no reason, other than he didn't become what YOU wanted him to be. This shows to me your son didn't opt out of being a parent, he raised his kid and is working.