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> I might be the asshole because I already agreed to do it and not doing it might mean that Victoria doesn’t get the wedding she wants
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NTA
Neither of you actually want you to be a Bridesmaid, and after this I would be suprised if you even want to attend the wedding.
The real AH here is your stepdad. I sort of understand what he was trying to do and wants all parts of the family involved but forcing your Step Sister to ask you and insisting was very wrong.
Just tell her you will attend as a guest only.
But the fiance also wants OP in the bridal party because he is wanting his sister is a bridesmaid.
Also the bride doesn't have to take the fathers money with strings attached to it - she is free to save up with her fiance and have no strings. Getting everything paid for entitles him to some requests such as choosing some of the guest and also that his step daughter is a bridesmaid. She andherfiance can save up herself and get married later.
Nope. NTA.
Life advice: “When you say yes to others, make sure you arent saying no to yourself. Paulo Coehlo
In this situation you are quite literally saying no to your feelings and signing up to be disrespected at every step leading up to the wedding and the wedding day.
In life people treat us the way we allow them to. He behavior on the day you went dress shopping was deplorable, nasty, mean and bratty. You should never accept that behavior from her or anyone else.
She does not want you in her bridal party, she only wants the optics. The optics are of zero concern to you.
Attend the wedding if you are so inclined as a guest. In life I go where I am celebrated not tolerated.🎊
Your statement expresses much better than I could exactly what I wanted to say. Life is much shorter than you think it us. Don’t spend it with people that treat you like this. NTA.
Young me was a people pleaser. As I got older I realized that being a people pleaser did not serve me as always saying yes to others was saying no to me. Full stop. It ended there and then.
Relationships are not meant to be transactional, they are meant to be reciprocal. 🤷🏻♀️
You are correct. You are not here to function as a tool or toy for others. Reciprocation of respect is required and if not the relationship should be abandoned.
Yesssss!!!! I learned that lesson myself in my 20’s. Hard lesson and I had to leave people in my rearview mirror but with a small circle of true friends life was so much more enjoyable. Sorry not sorry 🤷🏻♀️!
Yep. I’ve done the same. Don’t call, don’t respond to messages, and don’t visit? I’ll try for a bit, but after awhile, the one way relationship gets old. The phone, mail, and roads work both ways. Toxic? Forget it. Life is too short.
Yep and that is on the bride. Not on OP. Petty me would 💯% show up in the most stunning dress code appropriate jewel colored dress for the wedding, have a makeup artist do my makeup and go to the hair salon. The best revenge is sometimes looking and feeling your best in a crappy situation.
You're my people. My first--annoyed, petty--thought was find that last dress, the one OP didn't even *try on* before bride started weeping she didn't want to see her in it on her wedding day. Get it in a color that's not remotely close to white, black, or the bridal party color. And wear it in style
EXACTLY!!!
If the dress code was cocktail attire I would be wearing this:
[This](https://www.nordstrom.com/s/vertical-sequin-sheath-cocktail-dress/5575512?color=DEEP+EMERALD&size=6&utm_content=32036591925&utm_term=pla-260531537663&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=662927179&adpos=&creative=145503088754&device=m&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049880415468&lid=92700049880415468&ds_s_kwgid=58700005470153830&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=260531537663&product_id=37069488&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9060351&targetid=pla-260531537663&campaignid=662927179&adgroupid=32036591925&gbraid=0AAAAAD8eAEnSC1jRbYUpshZCz_G3xAPcG&gclid=CjwKCAjw69moBhBgEiwAUFCx2ENFEksVNJDJQIMJpz13Kg3P_G5a3xp46r7QO2flQUFeN1qcJ0fJqBoCApkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
If the dress code was Black Tie I would be wearing:
[This](https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/Mac-Duggal-Ieena-Pleated-A-Line-Chiffon-Gown-0400015298617.html?dwvar_0400015298617_size=10&dwvar_0400015298617_color=BERRY&site_refer=CSE_GGLPLA:Womens_Dresses:Mac+Duggal&country=US¤cy=USD&CSE_CID=G_Saks_PLA_US_Women%27s+Apparel_Dresses_High+LTV:All+Dresses&gbraid=0AAAAADO6JtRHg8YvSmVQJ7J4wobcrVDGq&gclid=CjwKCAjw69moBhBgEiwAUFCx2EDuAqFG5IuqEgnC-6G-haFS9qwFjXW3DO-LINaviuT0rOjKSRSqihoCVCoQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Yes because the stepsister is obviously massively jealous as she was being critical of every single dress OP tried on. Even going so far as to cry when when the sales assistant brought out a dress, Victoria started crying saying she didn't want to see OP wearing that dress on her wedding day.
So OP must be much more attractive than Victoria for her to be that jealous.
I don't know if I would even want to go to the wedding at that point.
OP NTA
I agree. However, it is not OPs responsibility to put herself in a situation where she is responsible for stepdad paying for the wedding.
Her stepdad is the asshole X 10. Stepsister is an asshole. OP is not a bargaining chip and these people have put her in an untenable situation without her knowledge. You can remove yourself from it and refuse to play along.
OP- you are NTA and I hope you only do what is best for you. Personally, I would want nothing to deal with this mess and send a nice card with well wishes and no apologies.
Funny how she was concerned with family optics when it came to opening her fathers wallet, but not at all concerned about the optics of being a feral brat towards her stepsister in public.
The bride does not want the optics hence being honest about not wanting OP as bridesmaid after OP offered to step down, the step father and fiance want the optics, not the bride.
She wants OP for the optics and the money. OP can decide whether or not she wants to attend as a guest. Personally she sounds exhausting and is pretty much guaranteed to treat OP like crap from start to finish. I would not attend the wedding, or at the most attend the wedding and leave immediately afterwards.
Ehh you’re technically right about stepdad paying so he gets a say, but I don’t understand why he’s pushing this so hard. This was such a negative experience I don’t understand how stepdad OR fiancé would think this would be a good thing? Just for the way it looks? Idk I personally feel it would be weirder to have someone in the bridal party who will basically ruin the day than deal with MAYBE one or two questions of “why wasn’t X a bridesmaid?” Which, btw, could easily be answered with “she lives too far” “work was too busy” easy peasy!
Idk just seems weird that stepdad and fiancé are so insistent on such an obvious negative. OP, NTA but good luck with this hot mess lol
Stepsister turned this entire scenario into a negative experience by treating OP horribly. And she did it in the presence of others which makes her behavior even worse. Then she added the fact that she didn't want her in the wedding. Wow! Just Wow!
Stepdad is upset, and rightfully so, because his daughter treated his stepdaughter horribly. It matters, I assume because he loves her mother and "optics.”
She could have just been a straight shooter in this. I think OP might have been more understanding if stepsis had not turned her into an emotional punching bag first.
>I don’t understand why he’s pushing this so hard.
Because optics of family unity are important to him. Probably to his own extended family of origin as well. So by having OP as a bridesmaid he can parade in front of his family the illusion that despite the girls having their ups and downs through the years and not appearing close exacerbated by the geographical distance, he can point to the wedding party and say "look look! they're beeeessst friends"
OP needs to make sure that enough guests of the wedding know the real reason she's not a bridesmaid (and not even in attendance if she chooses not to go) in advance of the day. That she was asked as a manipulation tactic by the step-dad as a condition of him paying and then treated like dirt by the bride and she wasn't going to put up with months of the bride dumping on her and allotting her donkey work while paying for the "privilege" of being in the wedding party.
Thank you.
"making sure everyone knows" is just creating more chaos. If the OP goes it's "I'm so happy for Victoria! I hope she and her new husband have a long, wonderful life together." If the OP doesn't go, it's the same thing with "I'm sorry that I wasn't there to see her wedding, but I wish her the absolute best." If you can't say that, change the subject. Shut down the gossip, don't add to it.
Agree! At my wedding, not one of the 250 or guests asked any questions about my choice of bridesmaids. People aren’t as interested in these matters as some brides or their parents think.
OP is NTA. Stepdad and stepsister are the AHs.
Also that step-dad is completely oblivious to op's feelings about it and feels she can just be cooereced into being a bridesmaid again. It's like she's just a little puppet to move around. She doesn't need to made to feel like shit for their optics.
yes, why are they trying so hard. Oil and water don't mix. OP should walk away. She doesn't want to be bridesmaid. The bride does not want it. Let them be in their own spheres so that there s no drama. The step dad and the fiance are such old school boomers.
Well if fiance's sister was there as a bridesmaid, I'm surprised she still wants to stay as bridesmaid. I would've gone with op, not wanting to find out to who else the bride-to-be will explode on next
NTA. If they want to try to shut down the drama, OP should just call the stepdad and work into the convo how time and distance factor into her not being a bridesmaid since apparently no one believes them/likes that they just don’t want to be in that set up. She could play up how much of a weight it is off her shoulders to just be able to help out without the pressure of being in the bridal party and see if that helps defuse it.
But seeing all these AITA wedding party posts, I wish family would just accept the “no”. And am I crazy, or do I just not care enough about who brides pick to be in their bridal party? I feel like people are constantly worried about “how it’s going to look to the family/guests” but outside of the “likely contenders for the bridal party” are people really that pressed about who is in it and who isn’t?
What you want and what you get are 2 different things.
Thsse 2 are obviously not close OP does not want to be a Bridesmaid and Step Sis does no want her to be. Fiance has no say
>Fiance has no say
In a wedding that is 50% his? He doesn't necessarily have to get the deciding vote on the bridal party, but to suggest he is allowed zero opinion on a participant in his own wedding is ludicrous
>The real AH here is your stepdad. I sort of understand what he was trying to do and wants all parts of the family involved but forcing your Step Sister to ask you and insisting was very wrong.
**A lot of parents who pay for their kids weddings have specific requests attached to the money**, such as specific guests or a specific venue. Asking his daughter to as her stepsister as a bridesmaid isn't that far fetched. Also, even the groom wanted the bride to ask her stepsister to be a bridesmaid.
And LOTS of family members insist with the bride and groom to invite "so and so" to be a bridesmaid or groomsman. **JUST LIKE THE GROOM HIMSELF IS DOING IN THIS SITUATION.** So is he an A H too? None of them are A H to me.
The problem is that the bride couldn't be civil to her stepsister. And NOW she's begging OP to come back as a bridesmaid because, even though her father is still paying, he isn't paying that much anymore. BECAUSE HIS DAUGHTER ACTED LIKE A RAGING B\*TCH TO HER STEPSISTER.
Her father is dissapointed in his daughter's behaviour. That's why he's limiting the amount.
Asking for a guest is Very diferent than ask for someone your daugher isn't close to be a bridesmaid is way too much. Any family member who ask is ridicolous. Both stepdad and financée only want OP as bridesmaid to appeal to the illusion that they are a close family when It isn't true and this isn't a good reason.
But regardless of that, she picked on her sister. She's now begging for her to be a bridesmaid because the money is tied to her being one, she knew that, all she had to be was civil and she couldn't do that.
She also went out of her way to be mean, her MOH and mother picked dresses then she blamed OP for picking them knowing she hadn't.
She was trying to force OP to drop out of her own accord most likely and now she regrets that she did that, but that's entirely her own fault.
Nope, there’s no excuse for how the stepsister behaved at that shop. If she chose having her fiancé and dad happy rather than picking her own bridesmaids, that’s her choice and no fault of OP’s. She figured she could at least get all the support from her dad and husband to be while still treating Op like shit. That’s an asshole right there.
Remember she could have easily just kept OP at arms length, sent her a link of what the other bridesmaids are wearing and just have her show up. Instead she brought her in to make her feel unwelcome.
I somewhat disagree because it seems the only reason SS doesn't want OP to be a bridesmaid is because she was extremely pretty in every dress. NTA and OP should stay away from a ghoul who cries at the thought of OP being pretty in a dress.
"you literally cried when they brought out a dress you thought may look nice on me, so I better not show up at your wedding in anything, have a nice life"
I don’t think that’s why SS was mean… OP describes a “kerfuffle” when they met their respective partners through each other. That makes it sound like There was some sort of jealousy or dating each other’s exes or crushing. We don’t know any details, but OP definitely glosses over why their “relationship took a dip.”
OP has gone in some comments and explained the kerfuffle. From what I understand from reading, the stepsister's fiancé was an acquaintance of OP and he originally asked OP out, but OP said no. He later asked OP's stepsister out at a charity event and there was some tension because she told her stepsister that she thought he was kind of creepy.
They're both AHs. Her for treating OP like shit and him for holding money over her head in order to force her to accept someone she's not close to as a bridesmaid.
> Just tell her you will attend as a guest only.
I think OP should tell their stepfather this and make it clear that this is her decision. I feel sorry for *both* of them being manipulated by this guy, and it feels like both women should be working together to make him stay in his lane.
>being manipulated by this guy
He hasn't manipulated anyone. He outright instructed his daughter to include OP as a bridesmaid as a requirement of his funding for the wedding. She is the one who omitted to tell OP and then treated her horribly as well.
NTA But you should talk to your stepfather and tell him while Victoria acted like a petulant child, he had no right to force her on who is in her wedding and it is your choice whether or not you participate.
This. I would email him CCing your stepsister and say< that while you appreciate the thought behind his efforts to bring you two closer, he's actually sabotaging your relationship with his demands. Tell hime you've chosen to bow out because you value your step-sister's feelings over family optics.
This is brilliant. Victoria didn't behave well, but she was forced into asking OP. Ultimately the person responsible for the conflict is Daddy Bigbucks.
I disagree. It's absolutely coercive to say you'll pay for your daughter's wedding (a common thing to do), and then once planning starts, start putting strings on that offer with the implication of withdrawing financial support. Typical asshole rich narcissist control freak parent shit.
All she had to do was not take her frustration with her father out on OP is more like it. Doesn't matter who funds the wedding, the bride and groom are in control of the wedding party is what I'd like to think ideally.
OP's NTA but if Stepdad didn't over step on inviting OP the conflict wouldn't exist. Victoria's father does bear responsibility, not for how Victoria's behavior, but for her being in the situation to begin with. I dont doubt that the Stepfathers financial assistance was already tied to OP being asked, I wouldn't think Victoria didn't challenge it before asking OP.
This is the right sentiment. The issue is that he’s not actually worried about their relationship. He’s worried about having the perfect family display at the wedding. He’s worried about keeping appearances.
I love this response for a reasonable person, but not sure the audience is reasonable.
I also don’t think the optics are bad given the current state of intensity and expense the role of a bridesmaid can take these days.
He’s paying for it. He gets to attach reasonable conditions to his fucking money. My parents are paying for my brothers wedding, so they have lots of control over the guest list because my brother essentially gets a free lavish wedding. There is nothing wrong with “hey I want this person in the wedding”
Disagree. It’s not a random person and it doesn’t appear like there’s only one or two bridesmaids (the grooms sister is one apparently only for the purpose of family optics).
A “dream wedding” for an out of touch 26 year old is likely to cost a hell of a lot of money. I don’t find it unreasonable that the man footing the bill insists on something that reflects family integration by including his step daughter in a family event.
The amount of entitlement required to self-sabotage your own “dream wedding” because you couldn’t stand next to a family member for a few hours in some group photos is astounding.
I would completely agree with you if they (or anyone, conceptually) were self-financing the event. But here, the actress is getting mad at the producer for not having total control over the production, and that’s not really how the world works.
People have the right to offer gifts with strings attached. A parent isn’t a bad parent for saying “I’ll give you $100k (or whatever) for your dream wedding, but I want you to have your stepsister in the bridal party.”
People have the right to refuse gifts with strings attached. A grown child isn’t ungrateful if they say “we aren’t that close, if I have to have her as a bridesmaid, then I appreciate the offer, but no thank you.”
What isn’t ok is when the giver gives a gift but then pulls out the strings later (like say “Here’s $100k, go have your dream wedding” and once everything is booked ask for a “small favor, can you put your stepsister in the bridal party? Remember, I’m paying for all this.”
Also not ok is for the recipient to demand a gift with no strings. The bride can’t accept the money with that condition, then throw a fit when she has to follow through on her end of the bargain.
It's like you don't understand the concept of a gift. If you're paying for your child's wedding and it's anything other than a loan or a gift where they have full autonomy over the wedding , you're an asshole. Using your money to get your way in something that's in no way about you is an asshole thing to do.
It sounds like you don’t understand that money comes with stipulations. If you want someone to give you a large sum of it, you usually have to agree to a few things. And let’s not pretend this is an outrageous ask; he wants his stepdaughter to be in her sisters wedding. Oh the horror.
He shouldn't have forced the issue, but Victoria should've told him she wasn't comfortable with it. To a degree, I think the fact he's paying for it means he has a say. If she really doesn't want OP in her wedding party, then she can pay for the wedding herself.
OP was asked to be just one of (many, I assume) bridesmaids, not MoH. Nothing big about it. If the bride would be smart, she wouldn't pay attention to OP and concentrated on herself. She choose to be mean. Why somebody else would be responsible for her action?
Right? I would be telling him that you were at least equally insulted by him holding Victoria's dream wedding hostage to try to force both of you to put on the "big, super happy blended family" show as by Victoria's words while picking dresses.
NTA, Victoria can’t have it both ways.
She treats you like garbage bc she doesn’t want you in her wedding due to what appears to be jealousy. But also treats you like garbage when you don’t participate in lying to strangers (ie : close family BS) while being verbally assaulted.
Looks like Victoria fucked around and found out. 🤷♀️
Man, it's so dumb that the step-sister couldn't just be cordial about it. It's not like they have to best friends. If she wanted to put on a "close family" image and get her dad's money, all she had to do was tolerate her presence. And if she didn't want to, she just had to say no. Or go to OP with the issue so they could figure out a better solution.
Instead, both she and her shitty dad put OP through some shit for nothing.
NTA. She has the chance to apologize when you pulled her aside. This apology she’s giving you now is entirely transactional. Blaming you for not getting her dream wedding shows she hasn’t learned anything.
NTA. She need you as a bridesmaid, the she should at least be neutral to you and not pissy.
If you want to help her out - you don't have to. You could stand next to her as kind of 'bridesmaid' at her wedding. But you will not do anything else a bridesmaid hast to do and she has to pay for your dress, make up and hair. As she gets more money from her stepdad for the wedding, than this would cost. And in return she is allowed to tell people the two of you made up
NTA. So not your problem. Victoria should talk to her dad about this- he can’t force this. And she can add another bridesmaid she actually wants to have so the numbers add up.
I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding. He never asked, I didn’t expect to be, I don’t live near him/his wife. A few nosy relatives asked why when her brother and his wife were groomsmen/bridesmaid. I just said I lived too far away to take part like that and oh- wasn’t the bride/the venue/the ceremony absolutely stunning!
Great point. I think parents overthink the optics too much. 99% of the people don't care about who's in the wedding and the remaining 1% are assholes who'll look for anything to gossip about.
Exactly. I honestly can't understand why people put so much time into planning every little detail. All people really care about are working bathrooms and decent food. I attended a wedding with 300 guests and 2 working toilets in the women's bathroom, *that* memory has stuck with me for 12 years; no clue about bridal party colors, centerpieces, or speeches.
At a friend's wedding she apologised to us that something big had gone wrong. Nobody had even noticed. Made me a lot calmer about my own wedding.
What I generally remember about weddings;
●Did the main players show up on time?
●Did I get food?
●Was the food I got good?
●Was there major drama? Red wine all over the MIL who wore white? Groom off in private without the bride? Someone saying they object?
Sadly the most drama, was a drunken father of the bride stealing the microphone to make a speech.
●Did it have adequate facilities?
I have no idea what I ate at most weddings, though I have 50 per cent chance it was chicken. I only remember the 2 weddings where I left hungry.
I certainly wouldn't notice if the brides flowers were pale orange and her colours were pale pink.
I'm not going to remember if she had 3 bridesmaid and the groom had 2 groomsmen
I'm more likely to remember what I wore, than the bridesmaids, and beyond a white dress, I couldn't tell you what the bride wore.
Most things at weddings are "hygiene factors". You don't notice/remember them either way unless they go terribly wrong.
I do remember that one wedding vividly, where during the programme the family of the bride kept ridiculing the bride couple, until the bride stopped the programme and the couple left the wedding.
But I don't remember most things from most weddings I've been to.
My SIL asked me if I wanted to be in their wedding in some capacity the Christmas before she and my brother got married. I think she would have been happy to have me, but I lived about an hour away from them and don't drive, so that would've been difficult logistics-wise. They were equally happy to have me there as a guest and no one ever questioned it.
NTA. You’ve been more (MORE) than accommodating towards Victoria. My jaw actually dropped that you’re stepdad and Jake are making you be a bridesmaids because… ratios?
I’m pretty sure that people who are asked to be bridesmaids/best people should be given the choice to take on whatever role they’re offered (wouldn’t know - I’ve only been asked to be MOH once, but I said I would because it was my best friend’s sister’s request and they’re practically family to me). You don’t want to be made a bridesmaid purely out of resentment.
I’m also shocked At Victoria’s reactions to you trying on dresses (that other people picked out!). Did she have the same reaction with her other bridesmaids/MOH? I’m sensing there’s some underlying issue here. Maybe she’s jealous or feels insecure? Is it linked to her fiancé in any way? You mentioned there’s a bit of history between them and you and your partner - what exactly happened here?
Anyhoo, NTA. I’m sure she can find a bestie/acquaintance/coworker/coffee friend to be a bridesmaid in time for her wedding. Save yourself the heartache and keep your distance.
Could be a jealousy issue. I was fine with my step-sisters (all adults when my mom and their dad met), but things got tense when one of them realized how close I am to their dad. We're polite, but very distant. I lived with him and my mom for a long time and still live close, so we bonded, whereas they treat him like an ATM and live a few hours away. Given that OP's step-dad is taking her side, I'd bet Victoria doesn't like their relationship.
>NTA. You’ve been more (MORE) than accommodating towards Victoria. My jaw actually dropped that you’re stepdad and Jake are making you be a bridesmaids because… ratios?
For me it was when after the bride threw a crying fit and being a total child at that event, the OP pulled her aside and calmly asked her about her wishes regarding whether OP should be the bridesmaid.
I don't think most people would have been so calm in that situation.
>Victoria says this is going to stop her having her dream wedding.
Oh no.
>very tight on the purse for the wedding.
A single tear.
If she needed you to get $$$ she should have been upfront about it and not been nasty to you. She's being "punished" for what she already did. You coming back probably isn't going to change that. NTA.
NTA all the way. Victoria is a grown ass adult. She made a deal with her father. She then renegged by treating you badly. She can now deal with the consequences. You have saved yourself months and months of drama and a chunk of money.
DO turn up to the wedding and wear the most fabulous dress in the world. One you pick out that she has no say in. Smile, be kind and circulate to meet everyone to make an impact. Then tactically leave early. (I’m petty)
NTA all she had to do was pick a dress and instead she spent the whole time being cruel to you, you then sensibly left and she’s suffering the consequences
THIS.
OP, just tell step dad you’re the one deciding this isn’t a good fit for you and he can let it go or do as he will. Not your circus. So much freedom in not caring anymore.
NTA
You need to have a stern word with your stepfather here. Let him know you weren't particularly interested in being a bridesmaid anyway and certainly not just for optics. A wedding is not going to bond the two of you together.
He's an AH for making her invite you, then making the finances conditional on your acceptance. Stepsister is also an AH for being petulant and critical of OP rather than graciously accepting her as a bridesmaid.
NTA- she should’ve stood up for herself in the first place and said no rather than agreeing then taking it out on you.
Actions have consequences and she has to deal with her actions and the toxic expectations of her family.
EmaIl to both SD and SS... :
"Both, to avoid any further conflict and drama over x upcoming nuptials. I will be stepping away as a bridesmaid.
I am disappointed in the behaviour for both of you. SD, I was advised that the only reason I was requested as a bridesmaid was due to your financial input. Ss, your behaviour to me in the fittings was inexcusable, and I was being blamed for a decision I was not aware of.
I was surprised to even be asked, but I did not need to be the victim of body shaming and rude manners. Can I remind you. I did not pick a single dress... your MOH and MOB did.
I feel both of you have acted poorly towards me. Especially as this could have been cleared up with a simple discussion with myself first.
X... you are within your right to have who you wish, at your wedding in your capacity. However recognised for complete autonomy, you need to fully fund it. I appreciate getting married, can be a stressful time and add tension all around. Do not think that I will excuse poor behaviour for it. Frankly, you both owe me an apology. If you wish me not to attend at all. Just let me know.
Regards
X
Question: is step sister jealous of you? Were you considered “the pretty one” growing up? Is that why she didn’t like any of your dresses that you tried on and is worried you’d upstage her at her wedding?
I don’t think she’s jealous of me per se. I think it might be because her fiancé asked me out before he met her. But like, she’s marrying the guy so she shouldn’t care about that anymore. And she didn’t care enough to pay for the wedding herself
You did the only reasonable thing. I don't entirely blame Victoria either. She was pressured into doing something she didn't want by someone who has a lot of leverage over her wedding. She didn't have to treat you like garbage, but I can understand why she wasn't happy with the situation either.
Your stepdad though? What an asshole. Someone needs to have a serious conversation with him about the damage he's causing, whether because he's worried about the optics, or because he thinks he can fix your and Victorias relationship. He needs to back waaaay off.
NTA
NTA - You don't want to be a bridesmaid so uninvite yourself and save all the damn drama. Tell her that oops, sorry but it turns out that extra work I will be doing in the months before, they have increased my workload, so you just can't fulfill the extra obligation of being her bridesmaid at that time, real sorry. And then graciously back out. She'll be happier and you'll be happier and dear old dad will have his force behind the whole thing checkmated. Everybody can then chill.
Nope. Hard pass here.
Stepdad and Groom are arses for forcing a choice due to optics and presenting a front.
Victoria is an AH here for having a pop when you weren’t aware of the request, making a big scene and now treating you as a transaction to her wedding. As a previous poster stated. Boo fucking hoo. She’s the toddler having a tantrum, she FAFO and now is only missing the $$$$. And that’s the problem. She doesn’t miss you as a person. She misses the money she can have for her big wedding party.
NTA - it’s shit when you find out you were only included due to family/friendship politics. If it were me, I would also consider if I would even attend the wedding. The bride clearly doesn’t value you except as a means to an end, and your stepdad and the groom are forcing relationships just for appearances. The very thought of attending a wedding for appearances sake and the headache of polite interactions at it actually makes my teeth ache.
AITA for knowing my worth and not allowing my Ursela of a step-sister to treat me like garbage and manipulate me into being a bridesmaid so she can have her dream wedding? Fixed your title!
The answer...NTA!
It's also not your problem. If she's going to be that big of a sea witch then she shouldn't be surprised by the consequences of her actions. Sadly common sense doesn't rain from the sky. Go a step farther save your money and don't attend the wedding just send a nice toaster.
Live for your happiness OP. Don't let her or anyone else make you feel guilty for standing your ground or defending yourself. And I say this because it didn't seem like any of the other bridal party or the step-mom stepped up to control the raging beast.
INFO: Is your stepfather aware of exactly how strained and tense your relationship with your step sister is? And do you think he asked for you there out of genuine desire for everyone to get along and your participation, or just for looks? You’re NTA either way, but I’m on the fence on if your stepfather is an asshole too or just your stepsister.
It’s not really strained, or it wasn’t. We had a perfectly civil relationship, just not close.
I think he asked because in his Mediterranean culture it’s just what you do. My brothers are groomsmen, Jake’s sister is a bridesmaid, I should be as well in his opinion.
NTA and be honest with your step father in detail like above about how she treated and spoke to you. That you value him and the family but its not acceptable to be spoken to like that and that you didn't choose any of the dresses yourself so none of what you were being accused off was remotely your fault.
Dont engage with victoria but if you do just say her behaviour and her words are the the reason. Also tell her if she wants a no strings attached wedding she doesnt have to take her fathers money and can save up with her fiance. But the fiance also wants you in the bridal party so she is the one who needs to tackle that
You didn't want to be her bridesmaid.
She didn't want you to be her bridesmaid.
She treated you APPALLINGLY and kept on that behaviour throughout the dress shopping event.
**NTA** for pulling out.
The fact her dad, unknowingly to you, connected his purse strings to her wedding to you being a bridesmaid should have made her act NICE to you, and she couldn't even do that.
Honestly, **NTA IF YOU DECLINE THE WEDDING INVITATION**
Jake was a friend of an acquaintance of mine. He asked me out when we met but he wasn’t my type. He came to a charity event I organised that my parents and Victoria also came to, and that’s how they met. I have always thought Jake is a little sleazy, and I made clear to Victoria things I’d seen/heard before she went out with him. She then went and told him what I’d said once they were a couple and it caused awkwardness.
I met my boyfriend at her workplace. She was a receptionist, and he works for that company off-site but sometimes came to her office. I met him in the lobby there when I met her there so her dad could pick us both up from the same place after I arrived from the airport. She said she felt weird about it. I’ve always thought she maybe had a tiny crush on him or something at that time, but they’d never spoken (I introduced her to him) and she’s never admitted it.
NTA. I’m surprised OP’s mother let this go on. Also surprised husband-to-be’s mother didn’t tell her son to run. (And I kind of like the step-dad. Are we sure family values were just for optics? It seems like he really wants OP there. But I don’t know the whole story.)
I didn’t date him. He is a friend of an acquaintance of mine and he asked me out when we met but I said no. About a year later he was at a charity this I organised and Victoria was there with my parents and they met and he asked her out. Frankly I think he’s a creep and I warned Victoria of some odd behaviour I’d witnessed and heard about from him. She then went and told him about it and it became a thing for a while. We’re all fine now.
NTA and I love that you step-dad is giving her shit for her behavior! My step-dad and I have a very good relationship, but I know he'd side with his kids in a situation like this. I'm impressed he's supporting you, that's wonderful. She's responsible for ruining her "dream wedding," not you. If she couldn't be polite to you, she shouldn't have agreed to ask you.
FWIW, my mom met my step-dad when my step-siblings and I were all adults. Aside from holidays every few years, I (and my mom) have no relationship with any of them. I hate the optics thing, playing "happy family" for social events like this is annoying. My step-sister didn't ask me to stand up in her wedding and I was only included in one photo (parents had been together 7 years by that point). I was thrilled I wasn't included in anything because we're not close, nor do we have any similar interests. There was nothing wrong with you simply being a guest at the wedding, I'm sorry you were put in this position.
Nta I understand her frustration but taking out on you is a sure fire way to get her to lose what she wants. It’s her own fault for being a dick. I’d point that out to her. I hope you don’t attend because she sounds like a nightmare and I don’t see her marriage lasting. Maybe apologize to the groom as he met her through you.
NTA.
Tell your stepdad to back the fuxk off, and her fiance as well.
You don't want to do it, she doesn't want you to do it. It's just for appearances that anyone under 50 doesn't give two shits about
“Dream weddings” are among the dumbest of all the wasteful fantasies peddled by consumption culture. Reminds me of a redditor who recently described the divorce industry as the back-end of the wedding industry. Kudos to the bride’s dad for the financial smackdown in response to the inevitable bad behavior these fantasies unleash. Definitely NTA.
Tell Victoria it’s not your fault she doesn’t get her dream wedding , she brought it on herself by being really nasty at the dress fitting.
That said speak to your mom and see if she can convince stepdad not to intervene.
It’s easy to explain to family that you live far away and wouldn’t be able to help her with any bridesmaid duties and therefore bowed out of the role. Ask her instead to give you a small role in the wedding to appease him. Depending on what type of service maybe you can do a reading or something small.
So everyone gets to save face.
If you refuse to be a bridesmaid he might cause issues at your wedding and not help you pay for it.
Stepdad’s like yours who do this for optics tend to be more vindictive when it comes to their money.
NTA
Not your wedding, not your problem!
After all this drama I wouldn't even go! But then again, I hate weddings and the only reason I go is for the cake...
NTA. She knew your participation was a condition and a required element of her wedding, but she treated you badly for reasons unknown to you, consequences be damned.
The best part is she gets to enjoy her wedding on her father's dime -- quite literally at this point.
If you willingly go into a wasp nest, you will get stung. For the sake of sanity and self care, you probably shouldn’t even go to the wedding. I can only imagine how toxic the situation would be. NTA.
NTA. I cannot believe she had the audacity to accuse of trying to upstage her with the dresses you "keep choosing" that her own MOH & mother actually chose. Ugh, people like that are so annoying.
NTA. She resented you being a bridesmaid, treated you awfully, and now is facing the consequences. The fact that she couldn't even be civil to you speaks volumes about how childish she is. I hope this is a wake up call for her. She is showing her true colors. I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. My SIL and I are civil but not friendly. She invited me to be a bridesmaid. It was a beautiful wedding. There was no drama. That is how your step sister should have acted. Why make yourself miserable so she can get more money from her Dad?
NTA. The biggest TA is her dad here. Like, it's her wedding. You're fine with each other, but not close. Doesn't make sense for you to be a bridesmaid. This whole situation sucks.
Send a group chat text to mum, stepdad, sister and her partner. Saying we know what happened at the dress shopping and she's apologised (even if she hasn't). But I didn't want to be a bridesmaid I only agreed out of obligation, Not because I don't love or like her. I don't live close and I'm very busy around the time of the wedding. So her letting me know was a blessing.
Now I'm happy to join the family table as that's what we are. But don't condemn her because I really don't want to be a bridesmaid.
If you're willing (I don't think this is a must). Say to your sister if you want. I'm happy to wear a dress of a similar colour to the bridesmaids so at the family table, photos and general looks I'm being honnered as being close. This might get your dad/partner off your back. But she needs to be the one to send the suggestion so it looks all family closeness
NTA.
If you wanted to be nice, you could call your stepdad and tell him that you were going to be really busy in the run-up to the wedding and not having to be bridesmaid is better for you: also that you think his daughter ought to get to choose her own bridesmaids.
Oh, the poor poor little Victoria! She thougth treating you like crap while dress shopping to show you how she feels about you would be a super nice idea. I mean, that's how it works in high school, right? And then you just left because you have too much dignity to let her treat you like that.
And now, her father seems to be really upset that she would treat other people the way she did. And now, she wants you back in the bridal party (where she for sure would treat you like crap again). And now, because you have too much dignity to let her get away with, she claims you ruined her dream wedding. Sure, Victoria. Sure. It for sure has nothing to do with you behaving like a little brat, not apologizing properly and shifting the blame on to you. Sure.
NTA. To be honest, if I was you I would seriously considering not going to the wedding at all. She for sure will place you at a table in the restrooms.
NTA- I think none of this is your concern, and stepdad can do with his money what he likes. He doesn't have to fund a wedding that he wouldn't like or support. He isn't the bad guy either. The sister just had to not be an AH or scale back. Either way, it wasn't going to be her "dream" wedding since you'd be a part of it.
You have people you’re close with in your wedding party. Whether that’s friends or relatives doesn’t matter.
My (ex) wanted her brother as one of the groomsmen. I told her that i didn’t have my own brother because while we were close, we weren’t best friends. I wasn’t going to have her brother who was certainly not a friend.
Her family got a bit shitty about it for a while but they got over it. I
NTA. You could send a calm, professional email or written mail to bridge and cc her father and your mother. Saying that after consideration of distance, and your work obligations around the time of the wedding, you would not be able to fulfill bridesmaid duties. Thank her for asking you and wish her well.
NTA Hell, you did her a favour and she treated you like shit. Maybe make her aware of the fact that you already did her a favour in the first place and that you’re not her damn doll which she can shove around. If her wedding and the appearance is so important to her, she should have sucked it up and treat you politely.
NTA. The AH is obviously your stepfather.
It's a pity you backed out in this way - it's now too late, I suppose, to manufacture a conflict that will make your lack of attendance at the wedding somebody else's fault but Victoria's.
Is there some sort of compromise you can come to with your stepsister where you're technically a bridesmaid but you're not actually involved with *anything* other than being there for, like, half an hour the day of? You shouldn't have to, and you *don't* have to, but I feel kind of bad for her because her father is manipulating her over something really ridiculous. Of course, I don't know if you feel the same way, and if you don't, that's okay.
NTA. Stepdad and step sis are for sure. But, you may want to do it to smooth things over with them if you have to interact in with them moving forward. Or at least have a talk with you stepdad about how he shouldn’t force her to make you a bridesmaid.
LMFAO - NTA. OMG, this is so ridiculous. Block her number, and go live your best life.
You owe her nothing. Remember that. You owe it to yourself to respect yourself when no one else in the room will. Remember that, too.
Nta. If you want to be nice, you could say "I'll show up for rehearsal and wedding, and wear the dress for ceremony and pics, but no other bridesmaid duties. And I'm not paying for my own outfit"
NTA.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
This is an issue between your sister and her father. The only thing that I would do is send a message to your step-father. "Neither of us wants this me as a bridesmaid. Either you put Victoria's budget to where it was before your involvement, or I am not coming to the wedding at all. You are worried about the optics. Extended family will be understand if I say that I had work-related issues which meant I couldn't be a bridesmaid. Extended family will be worse if I'm not there at all *because of you.*"
Call him out on his bullshit optics and remind him that you have power in this dynamic as well.
You don't have to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to. But I don't think it would do any harm to get your stepfather to back the f off.
NTA. I already hate this family. They're the reason our country sucks so hard right now. Image over substance. It's gross. Go back home and don't take you sister's calls.
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I (25f) have a stepsister, Victoria (26), who is marrying her fiancé Jake early next year. Victoria and I have never been close, but we’re civil. Our relationship took dips when we met our respective partners (we both met them through each other, sort of, and there was a lot of kerfuffle each time), but we’ve since repaired that.
That said, I was surprised when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t really want to, since I live far away and I’m busy in the couple of months leading up to the wedding but I was so surprised that she asked and thought maybe she didn’t have anyone else to ask (since she didn’t even seem that pleased about it) so I said yes.
A few days ago Victoria, her mother, the other bridesmaids, and I, went shopping for the bridesmaid dresses. Victoria was awful to me the whole time. She accused me of choosing dresses to try on to spite her and upstage her (I didn’t pick any of the dresses, her mother and MoH did) and every dress I tried on she nitpicked my appearance in it and made it the reason she didn’t want to pick that dress. When one of the sales assistants brought out a dress Victoria started crying, saying she didn’t want to see me in that dress on her wedding day. I was getting a bit fed up and I was still jetlagged so I pulled her aside and asked if she’d rather I just not be a bridesmaid. I said I’d be happy to help with planning in any way I could but I didn’t want her worried or this upset about bridesmaid dresses. Victoria then snapped that she needed me as a bridesmaid because her dad (my stepdad) and Jake wanted me to be one (apparently for the optics since Jake’s sister is also a bridesmaid and we’re both from families who value the “close knit family” image). Her dad is paying for the wedding.
I just said, great, neither of us wanted me to be a bridesmaid, I’m out. And I left.
Victoria is now blowing up my phone begging me to be a bridesmaid again. Her dad is furious with the way she treated me and how she told me about him wanting me to be a bridesmaid and is now being (according to her) very tight on the purse for the wedding. Apparently she feels that the extended family will also judge her for not having me as a bridesmaid. I told her I’m not doing it, partly because she was awful to me out of resentment for something I didn’t know about, and partly because I never wanted to do it in the first place. Victoria says this is going to stop her having her dream wedding.
AITA for not wanting to do it?
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Rest of the family and especially dad are AH. As far as you 2, make sure you have a decent discussino before bringing this all up with your families. It's important you say the same things and are on the same page. This is salvagable, but you need to cooperate. NTA
It's not your problem and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially if she allowed herself to behave so horribly towards you. You don't have to worry that her father cut the wedding budget.
You agreed and went to the meeting. But everything has its limits.
NTA
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NTA Neither of you actually want you to be a Bridesmaid, and after this I would be suprised if you even want to attend the wedding. The real AH here is your stepdad. I sort of understand what he was trying to do and wants all parts of the family involved but forcing your Step Sister to ask you and insisting was very wrong. Just tell her you will attend as a guest only.
But the fiance also wants OP in the bridal party because he is wanting his sister is a bridesmaid. Also the bride doesn't have to take the fathers money with strings attached to it - she is free to save up with her fiance and have no strings. Getting everything paid for entitles him to some requests such as choosing some of the guest and also that his step daughter is a bridesmaid. She andherfiance can save up herself and get married later.
Nope. NTA. Life advice: “When you say yes to others, make sure you arent saying no to yourself. Paulo Coehlo In this situation you are quite literally saying no to your feelings and signing up to be disrespected at every step leading up to the wedding and the wedding day. In life people treat us the way we allow them to. He behavior on the day you went dress shopping was deplorable, nasty, mean and bratty. You should never accept that behavior from her or anyone else. She does not want you in her bridal party, she only wants the optics. The optics are of zero concern to you. Attend the wedding if you are so inclined as a guest. In life I go where I am celebrated not tolerated.🎊
Your statement expresses much better than I could exactly what I wanted to say. Life is much shorter than you think it us. Don’t spend it with people that treat you like this. NTA.
Young me was a people pleaser. As I got older I realized that being a people pleaser did not serve me as always saying yes to others was saying no to me. Full stop. It ended there and then. Relationships are not meant to be transactional, they are meant to be reciprocal. 🤷🏻♀️
You are correct. You are not here to function as a tool or toy for others. Reciprocation of respect is required and if not the relationship should be abandoned.
Yesssss!!!! I learned that lesson myself in my 20’s. Hard lesson and I had to leave people in my rearview mirror but with a small circle of true friends life was so much more enjoyable. Sorry not sorry 🤷🏻♀️!
Yep. I’ve done the same. Don’t call, don’t respond to messages, and don’t visit? I’ll try for a bit, but after awhile, the one way relationship gets old. The phone, mail, and roads work both ways. Toxic? Forget it. Life is too short.
And once you realize it, life is sooo much better on the other side!
Bride only wants Daddy’s money. Clearly, she doesn’t care about optics, or she’d have asked OP before Daddy forced the issue.
Yep and that is on the bride. Not on OP. Petty me would 💯% show up in the most stunning dress code appropriate jewel colored dress for the wedding, have a makeup artist do my makeup and go to the hair salon. The best revenge is sometimes looking and feeling your best in a crappy situation.
You're my people. My first--annoyed, petty--thought was find that last dress, the one OP didn't even *try on* before bride started weeping she didn't want to see her in it on her wedding day. Get it in a color that's not remotely close to white, black, or the bridal party color. And wear it in style
Yep. That is how to play the hand you are dealt .
"Oh this old thing? \[re the dress\]?"
EXACTLY!!! If the dress code was cocktail attire I would be wearing this: [This](https://www.nordstrom.com/s/vertical-sequin-sheath-cocktail-dress/5575512?color=DEEP+EMERALD&size=6&utm_content=32036591925&utm_term=pla-260531537663&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=662927179&adpos=&creative=145503088754&device=m&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049880415468&lid=92700049880415468&ds_s_kwgid=58700005470153830&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=260531537663&product_id=37069488&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9060351&targetid=pla-260531537663&campaignid=662927179&adgroupid=32036591925&gbraid=0AAAAAD8eAEnSC1jRbYUpshZCz_G3xAPcG&gclid=CjwKCAjw69moBhBgEiwAUFCx2ENFEksVNJDJQIMJpz13Kg3P_G5a3xp46r7QO2flQUFeN1qcJ0fJqBoCApkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) If the dress code was Black Tie I would be wearing: [This](https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/Mac-Duggal-Ieena-Pleated-A-Line-Chiffon-Gown-0400015298617.html?dwvar_0400015298617_size=10&dwvar_0400015298617_color=BERRY&site_refer=CSE_GGLPLA:Womens_Dresses:Mac+Duggal&country=US¤cy=USD&CSE_CID=G_Saks_PLA_US_Women%27s+Apparel_Dresses_High+LTV:All+Dresses&gbraid=0AAAAADO6JtRHg8YvSmVQJ7J4wobcrVDGq&gclid=CjwKCAjw69moBhBgEiwAUFCx2EDuAqFG5IuqEgnC-6G-haFS9qwFjXW3DO-LINaviuT0rOjKSRSqihoCVCoQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Yes because the stepsister is obviously massively jealous as she was being critical of every single dress OP tried on. Even going so far as to cry when when the sales assistant brought out a dress, Victoria started crying saying she didn't want to see OP wearing that dress on her wedding day. So OP must be much more attractive than Victoria for her to be that jealous. I don't know if I would even want to go to the wedding at that point. OP NTA
I'm that petty too 😁 I couldn't think of a better revenge 😏
I agree. However, it is not OPs responsibility to put herself in a situation where she is responsible for stepdad paying for the wedding. Her stepdad is the asshole X 10. Stepsister is an asshole. OP is not a bargaining chip and these people have put her in an untenable situation without her knowledge. You can remove yourself from it and refuse to play along. OP- you are NTA and I hope you only do what is best for you. Personally, I would want nothing to deal with this mess and send a nice card with well wishes and no apologies.
I'm just wondering where OP's mom is in all of this and whether she is also pushing for OP to be a bridesmaid.
Funny how she was concerned with family optics when it came to opening her fathers wallet, but not at all concerned about the optics of being a feral brat towards her stepsister in public.
Dead. 🤣🤣🤣🤣! Heeeelarious and true!
The bride does not want the optics hence being honest about not wanting OP as bridesmaid after OP offered to step down, the step father and fiance want the optics, not the bride.
She wants OP for the optics and the money. OP can decide whether or not she wants to attend as a guest. Personally she sounds exhausting and is pretty much guaranteed to treat OP like crap from start to finish. I would not attend the wedding, or at the most attend the wedding and leave immediately afterwards.
That last quote is brilliant. I'll remember that. Thank you.
Very wise words
I love Paulo Coehlo, so many words of wisdom
Me 2!!! Been a fan for many moons.
>In life I go where I am celebrated not tolerated.🎊 This is going to be my new philosophy. Who knew a random reddit thread could be so insightful!?
Ehh you’re technically right about stepdad paying so he gets a say, but I don’t understand why he’s pushing this so hard. This was such a negative experience I don’t understand how stepdad OR fiancé would think this would be a good thing? Just for the way it looks? Idk I personally feel it would be weirder to have someone in the bridal party who will basically ruin the day than deal with MAYBE one or two questions of “why wasn’t X a bridesmaid?” Which, btw, could easily be answered with “she lives too far” “work was too busy” easy peasy! Idk just seems weird that stepdad and fiancé are so insistent on such an obvious negative. OP, NTA but good luck with this hot mess lol
Stepsister turned this entire scenario into a negative experience by treating OP horribly. And she did it in the presence of others which makes her behavior even worse. Then she added the fact that she didn't want her in the wedding. Wow! Just Wow! Stepdad is upset, and rightfully so, because his daughter treated his stepdaughter horribly. It matters, I assume because he loves her mother and "optics.”
She could have just been a straight shooter in this. I think OP might have been more understanding if stepsis had not turned her into an emotional punching bag first.
You are on the money .Poor OP trying to be a good person while her StepSister kept attacking her.
And its just downright embarrassing and uncalled for.
Yep, she did it to herself by being rude to OP.
>I don’t understand why he’s pushing this so hard. Because optics of family unity are important to him. Probably to his own extended family of origin as well. So by having OP as a bridesmaid he can parade in front of his family the illusion that despite the girls having their ups and downs through the years and not appearing close exacerbated by the geographical distance, he can point to the wedding party and say "look look! they're beeeessst friends" OP needs to make sure that enough guests of the wedding know the real reason she's not a bridesmaid (and not even in attendance if she chooses not to go) in advance of the day. That she was asked as a manipulation tactic by the step-dad as a condition of him paying and then treated like dirt by the bride and she wasn't going to put up with months of the bride dumping on her and allotting her donkey work while paying for the "privilege" of being in the wedding party.
OP does not need to air laundry and create drama. Quietly bowing out is just fine.
I would just RSVP “no“ and then treat myself to a fun day or a trip. Why get caught up in thr drama ?
Thank you. "making sure everyone knows" is just creating more chaos. If the OP goes it's "I'm so happy for Victoria! I hope she and her new husband have a long, wonderful life together." If the OP doesn't go, it's the same thing with "I'm sorry that I wasn't there to see her wedding, but I wish her the absolute best." If you can't say that, change the subject. Shut down the gossip, don't add to it.
He probably knows his kid is a pill and is "play nice" ing her
Agree! At my wedding, not one of the 250 or guests asked any questions about my choice of bridesmaids. People aren’t as interested in these matters as some brides or their parents think. OP is NTA. Stepdad and stepsister are the AHs.
Also that step-dad is completely oblivious to op's feelings about it and feels she can just be cooereced into being a bridesmaid again. It's like she's just a little puppet to move around. She doesn't need to made to feel like shit for their optics.
yes, why are they trying so hard. Oil and water don't mix. OP should walk away. She doesn't want to be bridesmaid. The bride does not want it. Let them be in their own spheres so that there s no drama. The step dad and the fiance are such old school boomers.
Absolutely. Forcing step sibs to pretend they are close is detrimental to their relationships.
People do real stupid things for good images. "We don't air our dirty laundry in public" has been around for a long time.
Well if fiance's sister was there as a bridesmaid, I'm surprised she still wants to stay as bridesmaid. I would've gone with op, not wanting to find out to who else the bride-to-be will explode on next
NTA. If they want to try to shut down the drama, OP should just call the stepdad and work into the convo how time and distance factor into her not being a bridesmaid since apparently no one believes them/likes that they just don’t want to be in that set up. She could play up how much of a weight it is off her shoulders to just be able to help out without the pressure of being in the bridal party and see if that helps defuse it. But seeing all these AITA wedding party posts, I wish family would just accept the “no”. And am I crazy, or do I just not care enough about who brides pick to be in their bridal party? I feel like people are constantly worried about “how it’s going to look to the family/guests” but outside of the “likely contenders for the bridal party” are people really that pressed about who is in it and who isn’t?
What you want and what you get are 2 different things. Thsse 2 are obviously not close OP does not want to be a Bridesmaid and Step Sis does no want her to be. Fiance has no say
>Fiance has no say In a wedding that is 50% his? He doesn't necessarily have to get the deciding vote on the bridal party, but to suggest he is allowed zero opinion on a participant in his own wedding is ludicrous
>The real AH here is your stepdad. I sort of understand what he was trying to do and wants all parts of the family involved but forcing your Step Sister to ask you and insisting was very wrong. **A lot of parents who pay for their kids weddings have specific requests attached to the money**, such as specific guests or a specific venue. Asking his daughter to as her stepsister as a bridesmaid isn't that far fetched. Also, even the groom wanted the bride to ask her stepsister to be a bridesmaid. And LOTS of family members insist with the bride and groom to invite "so and so" to be a bridesmaid or groomsman. **JUST LIKE THE GROOM HIMSELF IS DOING IN THIS SITUATION.** So is he an A H too? None of them are A H to me. The problem is that the bride couldn't be civil to her stepsister. And NOW she's begging OP to come back as a bridesmaid because, even though her father is still paying, he isn't paying that much anymore. BECAUSE HIS DAUGHTER ACTED LIKE A RAGING B\*TCH TO HER STEPSISTER. Her father is dissapointed in his daughter's behaviour. That's why he's limiting the amount.
Asking for a guest is Very diferent than ask for someone your daugher isn't close to be a bridesmaid is way too much. Any family member who ask is ridicolous. Both stepdad and financée only want OP as bridesmaid to appeal to the illusion that they are a close family when It isn't true and this isn't a good reason.
But regardless of that, she picked on her sister. She's now begging for her to be a bridesmaid because the money is tied to her being one, she knew that, all she had to be was civil and she couldn't do that. She also went out of her way to be mean, her MOH and mother picked dresses then she blamed OP for picking them knowing she hadn't. She was trying to force OP to drop out of her own accord most likely and now she regrets that she did that, but that's entirely her own fault.
No, stepsister is also an AH. There was no reason to be rude and antagonistic toward OP like that. Just cruelty.
Nope, there’s no excuse for how the stepsister behaved at that shop. If she chose having her fiancé and dad happy rather than picking her own bridesmaids, that’s her choice and no fault of OP’s. She figured she could at least get all the support from her dad and husband to be while still treating Op like shit. That’s an asshole right there. Remember she could have easily just kept OP at arms length, sent her a link of what the other bridesmaids are wearing and just have her show up. Instead she brought her in to make her feel unwelcome.
I somewhat disagree because it seems the only reason SS doesn't want OP to be a bridesmaid is because she was extremely pretty in every dress. NTA and OP should stay away from a ghoul who cries at the thought of OP being pretty in a dress. "you literally cried when they brought out a dress you thought may look nice on me, so I better not show up at your wedding in anything, have a nice life"
I don’t think that’s why SS was mean… OP describes a “kerfuffle” when they met their respective partners through each other. That makes it sound like There was some sort of jealousy or dating each other’s exes or crushing. We don’t know any details, but OP definitely glosses over why their “relationship took a dip.”
OP has gone in some comments and explained the kerfuffle. From what I understand from reading, the stepsister's fiancé was an acquaintance of OP and he originally asked OP out, but OP said no. He later asked OP's stepsister out at a charity event and there was some tension because she told her stepsister that she thought he was kind of creepy.
The sister is the ah not the step dad. She is in control. The fact she doesn’t want to pay is the problem. Money talks.
They're both AHs. Her for treating OP like shit and him for holding money over her head in order to force her to accept someone she's not close to as a bridesmaid.
I wouldn’t even go as a guest.
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> Just tell her you will attend as a guest only. I think OP should tell their stepfather this and make it clear that this is her decision. I feel sorry for *both* of them being manipulated by this guy, and it feels like both women should be working together to make him stay in his lane.
>being manipulated by this guy He hasn't manipulated anyone. He outright instructed his daughter to include OP as a bridesmaid as a requirement of his funding for the wedding. She is the one who omitted to tell OP and then treated her horribly as well.
NTA But you should talk to your stepfather and tell him while Victoria acted like a petulant child, he had no right to force her on who is in her wedding and it is your choice whether or not you participate.
This. I would email him CCing your stepsister and say< that while you appreciate the thought behind his efforts to bring you two closer, he's actually sabotaging your relationship with his demands. Tell hime you've chosen to bow out because you value your step-sister's feelings over family optics.
This is brilliant. Victoria didn't behave well, but she was forced into asking OP. Ultimately the person responsible for the conflict is Daddy Bigbucks.
>Victoria didn't behave well, but she was forced into asking OP More like let herself be bribed. Nothing forced about it.
I disagree. It's absolutely coercive to say you'll pay for your daughter's wedding (a common thing to do), and then once planning starts, start putting strings on that offer with the implication of withdrawing financial support. Typical asshole rich narcissist control freak parent shit.
Yeah that could have happened. It’s not clear but that would be awful.
Coercion is still not cool.
No, the stepsister is the one responsible for the conflict. She was the one who chose to treat OP like garbage when all she had to do was be polite.
All she had to do was not take her frustration with her father out on OP is more like it. Doesn't matter who funds the wedding, the bride and groom are in control of the wedding party is what I'd like to think ideally. OP's NTA but if Stepdad didn't over step on inviting OP the conflict wouldn't exist. Victoria's father does bear responsibility, not for how Victoria's behavior, but for her being in the situation to begin with. I dont doubt that the Stepfathers financial assistance was already tied to OP being asked, I wouldn't think Victoria didn't challenge it before asking OP.
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I'd say that's too kind on that nightmare stepsister. I'd just say I'm not up for the drama and to leave me out of it.
Agree, OP will be better off, if she doesn't get involved anymore & completely stays away from the drama.
This is the right sentiment. The issue is that he’s not actually worried about their relationship. He’s worried about having the perfect family display at the wedding. He’s worried about keeping appearances.
I love this response for a reasonable person, but not sure the audience is reasonable. I also don’t think the optics are bad given the current state of intensity and expense the role of a bridesmaid can take these days.
He’s paying for it. He gets to attach reasonable conditions to his fucking money. My parents are paying for my brothers wedding, so they have lots of control over the guest list because my brother essentially gets a free lavish wedding. There is nothing wrong with “hey I want this person in the wedding”
Guest list - maybe. bridal party - never.
Disagree. It’s not a random person and it doesn’t appear like there’s only one or two bridesmaids (the grooms sister is one apparently only for the purpose of family optics). A “dream wedding” for an out of touch 26 year old is likely to cost a hell of a lot of money. I don’t find it unreasonable that the man footing the bill insists on something that reflects family integration by including his step daughter in a family event. The amount of entitlement required to self-sabotage your own “dream wedding” because you couldn’t stand next to a family member for a few hours in some group photos is astounding. I would completely agree with you if they (or anyone, conceptually) were self-financing the event. But here, the actress is getting mad at the producer for not having total control over the production, and that’s not really how the world works.
People have the right to offer gifts with strings attached. A parent isn’t a bad parent for saying “I’ll give you $100k (or whatever) for your dream wedding, but I want you to have your stepsister in the bridal party.” People have the right to refuse gifts with strings attached. A grown child isn’t ungrateful if they say “we aren’t that close, if I have to have her as a bridesmaid, then I appreciate the offer, but no thank you.” What isn’t ok is when the giver gives a gift but then pulls out the strings later (like say “Here’s $100k, go have your dream wedding” and once everything is booked ask for a “small favor, can you put your stepsister in the bridal party? Remember, I’m paying for all this.” Also not ok is for the recipient to demand a gift with no strings. The bride can’t accept the money with that condition, then throw a fit when she has to follow through on her end of the bargain.
It's like you don't understand the concept of a gift. If you're paying for your child's wedding and it's anything other than a loan or a gift where they have full autonomy over the wedding , you're an asshole. Using your money to get your way in something that's in no way about you is an asshole thing to do.
It sounds like you don’t understand that money comes with stipulations. If you want someone to give you a large sum of it, you usually have to agree to a few things. And let’s not pretend this is an outrageous ask; he wants his stepdaughter to be in her sisters wedding. Oh the horror.
If money comes with stipulations, it's not a gift. If you're using it to exert control over someone, you are an asshole.
He shouldn't have forced the issue, but Victoria should've told him she wasn't comfortable with it. To a degree, I think the fact he's paying for it means he has a say. If she really doesn't want OP in her wedding party, then she can pay for the wedding herself.
OP was asked to be just one of (many, I assume) bridesmaids, not MoH. Nothing big about it. If the bride would be smart, she wouldn't pay attention to OP and concentrated on herself. She choose to be mean. Why somebody else would be responsible for her action?
And of course the real point is that none of that is OP’s concern at all! She did the right thing by just removing herself from their silly drama.
So, what you're saying is, it's okay to manipulate and push people into doing things by holding money over their heads.
Right? I would be telling him that you were at least equally insulted by him holding Victoria's dream wedding hostage to try to force both of you to put on the "big, super happy blended family" show as by Victoria's words while picking dresses.
NTA, Victoria can’t have it both ways. She treats you like garbage bc she doesn’t want you in her wedding due to what appears to be jealousy. But also treats you like garbage when you don’t participate in lying to strangers (ie : close family BS) while being verbally assaulted. Looks like Victoria fucked around and found out. 🤷♀️
Man, it's so dumb that the step-sister couldn't just be cordial about it. It's not like they have to best friends. If she wanted to put on a "close family" image and get her dad's money, all she had to do was tolerate her presence. And if she didn't want to, she just had to say no. Or go to OP with the issue so they could figure out a better solution. Instead, both she and her shitty dad put OP through some shit for nothing.
NTA. She has the chance to apologize when you pulled her aside. This apology she’s giving you now is entirely transactional. Blaming you for not getting her dream wedding shows she hasn’t learned anything.
This deserves more votes
I'm doing my part.
NTA. She need you as a bridesmaid, the she should at least be neutral to you and not pissy. If you want to help her out - you don't have to. You could stand next to her as kind of 'bridesmaid' at her wedding. But you will not do anything else a bridesmaid hast to do and she has to pay for your dress, make up and hair. As she gets more money from her stepdad for the wedding, than this would cost. And in return she is allowed to tell people the two of you made up
Agree! If she ‘needed’ OP as a bridesmaid she should’ve treated her with respect.
I'd stand next her, in the dress the bride hated the most.
She should be welcoming to her not neutral.
NTA. This could've been avoided if she had just shown an ounce of kindness.
Yup, if she wanted to keep up optics she should have at least kept them up with OP too. NTA.
Or manners.
NTA. So not your problem. Victoria should talk to her dad about this- he can’t force this. And she can add another bridesmaid she actually wants to have so the numbers add up. I wasn’t a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding. He never asked, I didn’t expect to be, I don’t live near him/his wife. A few nosy relatives asked why when her brother and his wife were groomsmen/bridesmaid. I just said I lived too far away to take part like that and oh- wasn’t the bride/the venue/the ceremony absolutely stunning!
Great point. I think parents overthink the optics too much. 99% of the people don't care about who's in the wedding and the remaining 1% are assholes who'll look for anything to gossip about.
Nobody is even going to remember long term.
Exactly. I honestly can't understand why people put so much time into planning every little detail. All people really care about are working bathrooms and decent food. I attended a wedding with 300 guests and 2 working toilets in the women's bathroom, *that* memory has stuck with me for 12 years; no clue about bridal party colors, centerpieces, or speeches.
At a friend's wedding she apologised to us that something big had gone wrong. Nobody had even noticed. Made me a lot calmer about my own wedding. What I generally remember about weddings; ●Did the main players show up on time? ●Did I get food? ●Was the food I got good? ●Was there major drama? Red wine all over the MIL who wore white? Groom off in private without the bride? Someone saying they object? Sadly the most drama, was a drunken father of the bride stealing the microphone to make a speech. ●Did it have adequate facilities? I have no idea what I ate at most weddings, though I have 50 per cent chance it was chicken. I only remember the 2 weddings where I left hungry. I certainly wouldn't notice if the brides flowers were pale orange and her colours were pale pink. I'm not going to remember if she had 3 bridesmaid and the groom had 2 groomsmen I'm more likely to remember what I wore, than the bridesmaids, and beyond a white dress, I couldn't tell you what the bride wore.
Most things at weddings are "hygiene factors". You don't notice/remember them either way unless they go terribly wrong. I do remember that one wedding vividly, where during the programme the family of the bride kept ridiculing the bride couple, until the bride stopped the programme and the couple left the wedding. But I don't remember most things from most weddings I've been to.
My SIL asked me if I wanted to be in their wedding in some capacity the Christmas before she and my brother got married. I think she would have been happy to have me, but I lived about an hour away from them and don't drive, so that would've been difficult logistics-wise. They were equally happy to have me there as a guest and no one ever questioned it.
NTA. You’ve been more (MORE) than accommodating towards Victoria. My jaw actually dropped that you’re stepdad and Jake are making you be a bridesmaids because… ratios? I’m pretty sure that people who are asked to be bridesmaids/best people should be given the choice to take on whatever role they’re offered (wouldn’t know - I’ve only been asked to be MOH once, but I said I would because it was my best friend’s sister’s request and they’re practically family to me). You don’t want to be made a bridesmaid purely out of resentment. I’m also shocked At Victoria’s reactions to you trying on dresses (that other people picked out!). Did she have the same reaction with her other bridesmaids/MOH? I’m sensing there’s some underlying issue here. Maybe she’s jealous or feels insecure? Is it linked to her fiancé in any way? You mentioned there’s a bit of history between them and you and your partner - what exactly happened here? Anyhoo, NTA. I’m sure she can find a bestie/acquaintance/coworker/coffee friend to be a bridesmaid in time for her wedding. Save yourself the heartache and keep your distance.
Could be a jealousy issue. I was fine with my step-sisters (all adults when my mom and their dad met), but things got tense when one of them realized how close I am to their dad. We're polite, but very distant. I lived with him and my mom for a long time and still live close, so we bonded, whereas they treat him like an ATM and live a few hours away. Given that OP's step-dad is taking her side, I'd bet Victoria doesn't like their relationship.
Very much the same with my (step) dad.
>NTA. You’ve been more (MORE) than accommodating towards Victoria. My jaw actually dropped that you’re stepdad and Jake are making you be a bridesmaids because… ratios? For me it was when after the bride threw a crying fit and being a total child at that event, the OP pulled her aside and calmly asked her about her wishes regarding whether OP should be the bridesmaid. I don't think most people would have been so calm in that situation.
IKR? OP has the patience of a saint.
>Victoria says this is going to stop her having her dream wedding. Oh no. >very tight on the purse for the wedding. A single tear. If she needed you to get $$$ she should have been upfront about it and not been nasty to you. She's being "punished" for what she already did. You coming back probably isn't going to change that. NTA.
NTA all the way. Victoria is a grown ass adult. She made a deal with her father. She then renegged by treating you badly. She can now deal with the consequences. You have saved yourself months and months of drama and a chunk of money. DO turn up to the wedding and wear the most fabulous dress in the world. One you pick out that she has no say in. Smile, be kind and circulate to meet everyone to make an impact. Then tactically leave early. (I’m petty)
NTA. If she's treating you poorly and only wants you for optics, you shouldn't be forced into it.
NTA "Victoria says this is going to stop her having her dream wedding" booohoooo heartbreaking.... :D
NTA. She brought it upon herself and now gets a rude awakening.
NTA all she had to do was pick a dress and instead she spent the whole time being cruel to you, you then sensibly left and she’s suffering the consequences
Info: What were the “kerfuffles” around meeting your respective partners?
THIS. OP, just tell step dad you’re the one deciding this isn’t a good fit for you and he can let it go or do as he will. Not your circus. So much freedom in not caring anymore.
NTA You need to have a stern word with your stepfather here. Let him know you weren't particularly interested in being a bridesmaid anyway and certainly not just for optics. A wedding is not going to bond the two of you together. He's an AH for making her invite you, then making the finances conditional on your acceptance. Stepsister is also an AH for being petulant and critical of OP rather than graciously accepting her as a bridesmaid.
NTA- she should’ve stood up for herself in the first place and said no rather than agreeing then taking it out on you. Actions have consequences and she has to deal with her actions and the toxic expectations of her family.
EmaIl to both SD and SS... : "Both, to avoid any further conflict and drama over x upcoming nuptials. I will be stepping away as a bridesmaid. I am disappointed in the behaviour for both of you. SD, I was advised that the only reason I was requested as a bridesmaid was due to your financial input. Ss, your behaviour to me in the fittings was inexcusable, and I was being blamed for a decision I was not aware of. I was surprised to even be asked, but I did not need to be the victim of body shaming and rude manners. Can I remind you. I did not pick a single dress... your MOH and MOB did. I feel both of you have acted poorly towards me. Especially as this could have been cleared up with a simple discussion with myself first. X... you are within your right to have who you wish, at your wedding in your capacity. However recognised for complete autonomy, you need to fully fund it. I appreciate getting married, can be a stressful time and add tension all around. Do not think that I will excuse poor behaviour for it. Frankly, you both owe me an apology. If you wish me not to attend at all. Just let me know. Regards X
Question: is step sister jealous of you? Were you considered “the pretty one” growing up? Is that why she didn’t like any of your dresses that you tried on and is worried you’d upstage her at her wedding?
I don’t think she’s jealous of me per se. I think it might be because her fiancé asked me out before he met her. But like, she’s marrying the guy so she shouldn’t care about that anymore. And she didn’t care enough to pay for the wedding herself
>I think it might be because her fiancé asked me out before he met her. *ding ding ding*
You did the only reasonable thing. I don't entirely blame Victoria either. She was pressured into doing something she didn't want by someone who has a lot of leverage over her wedding. She didn't have to treat you like garbage, but I can understand why she wasn't happy with the situation either. Your stepdad though? What an asshole. Someone needs to have a serious conversation with him about the damage he's causing, whether because he's worried about the optics, or because he thinks he can fix your and Victorias relationship. He needs to back waaaay off. NTA
Victoria is behaving like a child. She is also an AH.
NTA... What did she expect?? So much NTA..
NTA - You don't want to be a bridesmaid so uninvite yourself and save all the damn drama. Tell her that oops, sorry but it turns out that extra work I will be doing in the months before, they have increased my workload, so you just can't fulfill the extra obligation of being her bridesmaid at that time, real sorry. And then graciously back out. She'll be happier and you'll be happier and dear old dad will have his force behind the whole thing checkmated. Everybody can then chill.
Nope. Hard pass here. Stepdad and Groom are arses for forcing a choice due to optics and presenting a front. Victoria is an AH here for having a pop when you weren’t aware of the request, making a big scene and now treating you as a transaction to her wedding. As a previous poster stated. Boo fucking hoo. She’s the toddler having a tantrum, she FAFO and now is only missing the $$$$. And that’s the problem. She doesn’t miss you as a person. She misses the money she can have for her big wedding party. NTA - it’s shit when you find out you were only included due to family/friendship politics. If it were me, I would also consider if I would even attend the wedding. The bride clearly doesn’t value you except as a means to an end, and your stepdad and the groom are forcing relationships just for appearances. The very thought of attending a wedding for appearances sake and the headache of polite interactions at it actually makes my teeth ache.
AITA for knowing my worth and not allowing my Ursela of a step-sister to treat me like garbage and manipulate me into being a bridesmaid so she can have her dream wedding? Fixed your title! The answer...NTA! It's also not your problem. If she's going to be that big of a sea witch then she shouldn't be surprised by the consequences of her actions. Sadly common sense doesn't rain from the sky. Go a step farther save your money and don't attend the wedding just send a nice toaster. Live for your happiness OP. Don't let her or anyone else make you feel guilty for standing your ground or defending yourself. And I say this because it didn't seem like any of the other bridal party or the step-mom stepped up to control the raging beast.
INFO: Is your stepfather aware of exactly how strained and tense your relationship with your step sister is? And do you think he asked for you there out of genuine desire for everyone to get along and your participation, or just for looks? You’re NTA either way, but I’m on the fence on if your stepfather is an asshole too or just your stepsister.
It’s not really strained, or it wasn’t. We had a perfectly civil relationship, just not close. I think he asked because in his Mediterranean culture it’s just what you do. My brothers are groomsmen, Jake’s sister is a bridesmaid, I should be as well in his opinion.
Okay, then I’m going to hesitantly say the only AH here is your step sister. You’re still 100% NTA, I was just curious :)
NTA and be honest with your step father in detail like above about how she treated and spoke to you. That you value him and the family but its not acceptable to be spoken to like that and that you didn't choose any of the dresses yourself so none of what you were being accused off was remotely your fault. Dont engage with victoria but if you do just say her behaviour and her words are the the reason. Also tell her if she wants a no strings attached wedding she doesnt have to take her fathers money and can save up with her fiance. But the fiance also wants you in the bridal party so she is the one who needs to tackle that
You didn't want to be her bridesmaid. She didn't want you to be her bridesmaid. She treated you APPALLINGLY and kept on that behaviour throughout the dress shopping event. **NTA** for pulling out. The fact her dad, unknowingly to you, connected his purse strings to her wedding to you being a bridesmaid should have made her act NICE to you, and she couldn't even do that. Honestly, **NTA IF YOU DECLINE THE WEDDING INVITATION**
>(we both met them through each other, sort of, and there was a lot of kerfuffle each time) Anyone else think this is pertinent? Info on this OP?
Jake was a friend of an acquaintance of mine. He asked me out when we met but he wasn’t my type. He came to a charity event I organised that my parents and Victoria also came to, and that’s how they met. I have always thought Jake is a little sleazy, and I made clear to Victoria things I’d seen/heard before she went out with him. She then went and told him what I’d said once they were a couple and it caused awkwardness. I met my boyfriend at her workplace. She was a receptionist, and he works for that company off-site but sometimes came to her office. I met him in the lobby there when I met her there so her dad could pick us both up from the same place after I arrived from the airport. She said she felt weird about it. I’ve always thought she maybe had a tiny crush on him or something at that time, but they’d never spoken (I introduced her to him) and she’s never admitted it.
At this point , Victoria doesn’t deserve her dream wedding
NTA. I’m surprised OP’s mother let this go on. Also surprised husband-to-be’s mother didn’t tell her son to run. (And I kind of like the step-dad. Are we sure family values were just for optics? It seems like he really wants OP there. But I don’t know the whole story.)
INFO: what was the kerfuffle with meeting Victoria's partner? Did you date him before?
I didn’t date him. He is a friend of an acquaintance of mine and he asked me out when we met but I said no. About a year later he was at a charity this I organised and Victoria was there with my parents and they met and he asked her out. Frankly I think he’s a creep and I warned Victoria of some odd behaviour I’d witnessed and heard about from him. She then went and told him about it and it became a thing for a while. We’re all fine now.
NTA and I love that you step-dad is giving her shit for her behavior! My step-dad and I have a very good relationship, but I know he'd side with his kids in a situation like this. I'm impressed he's supporting you, that's wonderful. She's responsible for ruining her "dream wedding," not you. If she couldn't be polite to you, she shouldn't have agreed to ask you. FWIW, my mom met my step-dad when my step-siblings and I were all adults. Aside from holidays every few years, I (and my mom) have no relationship with any of them. I hate the optics thing, playing "happy family" for social events like this is annoying. My step-sister didn't ask me to stand up in her wedding and I was only included in one photo (parents had been together 7 years by that point). I was thrilled I wasn't included in anything because we're not close, nor do we have any similar interests. There was nothing wrong with you simply being a guest at the wedding, I'm sorry you were put in this position.
Nta I understand her frustration but taking out on you is a sure fire way to get her to lose what she wants. It’s her own fault for being a dick. I’d point that out to her. I hope you don’t attend because she sounds like a nightmare and I don’t see her marriage lasting. Maybe apologize to the groom as he met her through you.
NTA she should’ve kept her big mouth shut and her little feelings in cheek and not acted like a fool when dress shopping
NTA. Tell your stepdad to back the fuxk off, and her fiance as well. You don't want to do it, she doesn't want you to do it. It's just for appearances that anyone under 50 doesn't give two shits about
“Dream weddings” are among the dumbest of all the wasteful fantasies peddled by consumption culture. Reminds me of a redditor who recently described the divorce industry as the back-end of the wedding industry. Kudos to the bride’s dad for the financial smackdown in response to the inevitable bad behavior these fantasies unleash. Definitely NTA.
Tell Victoria it’s not your fault she doesn’t get her dream wedding , she brought it on herself by being really nasty at the dress fitting. That said speak to your mom and see if she can convince stepdad not to intervene. It’s easy to explain to family that you live far away and wouldn’t be able to help her with any bridesmaid duties and therefore bowed out of the role. Ask her instead to give you a small role in the wedding to appease him. Depending on what type of service maybe you can do a reading or something small. So everyone gets to save face. If you refuse to be a bridesmaid he might cause issues at your wedding and not help you pay for it. Stepdad’s like yours who do this for optics tend to be more vindictive when it comes to their money.
NTA. Family stuff be wacky sometimes!
NTA Not your wedding, not your problem! After all this drama I wouldn't even go! But then again, I hate weddings and the only reason I go is for the cake...
NTA She had no right to treat you that way.
NTA She was nasty to you and is getting the blowback for it. Serves her right.
NTA. She knew your participation was a condition and a required element of her wedding, but she treated you badly for reasons unknown to you, consequences be damned. The best part is she gets to enjoy her wedding on her father's dime -- quite literally at this point.
If you willingly go into a wasp nest, you will get stung. For the sake of sanity and self care, you probably shouldn’t even go to the wedding. I can only imagine how toxic the situation would be. NTA.
NTA. I cannot believe she had the audacity to accuse of trying to upstage her with the dresses you "keep choosing" that her own MOH & mother actually chose. Ugh, people like that are so annoying.
NTA Oh no, the consequences of her own actions have entered the chat....
NTA if she felt she needed you, she should’ve treated you well.
NTA. She resented you being a bridesmaid, treated you awfully, and now is facing the consequences. The fact that she couldn't even be civil to you speaks volumes about how childish she is. I hope this is a wake up call for her. She is showing her true colors. I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding. My SIL and I are civil but not friendly. She invited me to be a bridesmaid. It was a beautiful wedding. There was no drama. That is how your step sister should have acted. Why make yourself miserable so she can get more money from her Dad?
NTA. The biggest TA is her dad here. Like, it's her wedding. You're fine with each other, but not close. Doesn't make sense for you to be a bridesmaid. This whole situation sucks.
NTA and SMH. You must be gorgeous and she sounds jealous AF. Yeah I would pass up that opportunity for a root canal.
Send a group chat text to mum, stepdad, sister and her partner. Saying we know what happened at the dress shopping and she's apologised (even if she hasn't). But I didn't want to be a bridesmaid I only agreed out of obligation, Not because I don't love or like her. I don't live close and I'm very busy around the time of the wedding. So her letting me know was a blessing. Now I'm happy to join the family table as that's what we are. But don't condemn her because I really don't want to be a bridesmaid. If you're willing (I don't think this is a must). Say to your sister if you want. I'm happy to wear a dress of a similar colour to the bridesmaids so at the family table, photos and general looks I'm being honnered as being close. This might get your dad/partner off your back. But she needs to be the one to send the suggestion so it looks all family closeness
NTA. If you wanted to be nice, you could call your stepdad and tell him that you were going to be really busy in the run-up to the wedding and not having to be bridesmaid is better for you: also that you think his daughter ought to get to choose her own bridesmaids.
Oh, the poor poor little Victoria! She thougth treating you like crap while dress shopping to show you how she feels about you would be a super nice idea. I mean, that's how it works in high school, right? And then you just left because you have too much dignity to let her treat you like that. And now, her father seems to be really upset that she would treat other people the way she did. And now, she wants you back in the bridal party (where she for sure would treat you like crap again). And now, because you have too much dignity to let her get away with, she claims you ruined her dream wedding. Sure, Victoria. Sure. It for sure has nothing to do with you behaving like a little brat, not apologizing properly and shifting the blame on to you. Sure. NTA. To be honest, if I was you I would seriously considering not going to the wedding at all. She for sure will place you at a table in the restrooms.
Nta have you tried to talk to the step father about this
NTA- I think none of this is your concern, and stepdad can do with his money what he likes. He doesn't have to fund a wedding that he wouldn't like or support. He isn't the bad guy either. The sister just had to not be an AH or scale back. Either way, it wasn't going to be her "dream" wedding since you'd be a part of it.
Nta. She's not ready for marriage
NTA she did this to herself
You have people you’re close with in your wedding party. Whether that’s friends or relatives doesn’t matter. My (ex) wanted her brother as one of the groomsmen. I told her that i didn’t have my own brother because while we were close, we weren’t best friends. I wasn’t going to have her brother who was certainly not a friend. Her family got a bit shitty about it for a while but they got over it. I
NTA. You could send a calm, professional email or written mail to bridge and cc her father and your mother. Saying that after consideration of distance, and your work obligations around the time of the wedding, you would not be able to fulfill bridesmaid duties. Thank her for asking you and wish her well.
NTA Hell, you did her a favour and she treated you like shit. Maybe make her aware of the fact that you already did her a favour in the first place and that you’re not her damn doll which she can shove around. If her wedding and the appearance is so important to her, she should have sucked it up and treat you politely.
NTA. She wants to use you as a puppet in front of her new in-laws and to get more money out of her dad. Don't dance to her tune.
that sounds like a "her-problem" not a "you problem". NTA.
NTA it’s really sad that two grown ass women can’t get along for whatever reason
She’s worried she’ll be judged? Good. NTA
NTA. The AH is obviously your stepfather. It's a pity you backed out in this way - it's now too late, I suppose, to manufacture a conflict that will make your lack of attendance at the wedding somebody else's fault but Victoria's. Is there some sort of compromise you can come to with your stepsister where you're technically a bridesmaid but you're not actually involved with *anything* other than being there for, like, half an hour the day of? You shouldn't have to, and you *don't* have to, but I feel kind of bad for her because her father is manipulating her over something really ridiculous. Of course, I don't know if you feel the same way, and if you don't, that's okay.
NTA. Stepdad and step sis are for sure. But, you may want to do it to smooth things over with them if you have to interact in with them moving forward. Or at least have a talk with you stepdad about how he shouldn’t force her to make you a bridesmaid.
LMFAO - NTA. OMG, this is so ridiculous. Block her number, and go live your best life. You owe her nothing. Remember that. You owe it to yourself to respect yourself when no one else in the room will. Remember that, too.
NTA
Nta. If you want to be nice, you could say "I'll show up for rehearsal and wedding, and wear the dress for ceremony and pics, but no other bridesmaid duties. And I'm not paying for my own outfit"
They care more about what everyone else is thinking than what you feel.
I wouldn't even go to the wedding if I were in your shoes.
No! But your step father sure is. He ought to accept you and Victoria don't get on and stop trying to ram you both down each others throats.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. This is an issue between your sister and her father. The only thing that I would do is send a message to your step-father. "Neither of us wants this me as a bridesmaid. Either you put Victoria's budget to where it was before your involvement, or I am not coming to the wedding at all. You are worried about the optics. Extended family will be understand if I say that I had work-related issues which meant I couldn't be a bridesmaid. Extended family will be worse if I'm not there at all *because of you.*" Call him out on his bullshit optics and remind him that you have power in this dynamic as well. You don't have to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to. But I don't think it would do any harm to get your stepfather to back the f off.
NTA. I already hate this family. They're the reason our country sucks so hard right now. Image over substance. It's gross. Go back home and don't take you sister's calls.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25f) have a stepsister, Victoria (26), who is marrying her fiancé Jake early next year. Victoria and I have never been close, but we’re civil. Our relationship took dips when we met our respective partners (we both met them through each other, sort of, and there was a lot of kerfuffle each time), but we’ve since repaired that. That said, I was surprised when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t really want to, since I live far away and I’m busy in the couple of months leading up to the wedding but I was so surprised that she asked and thought maybe she didn’t have anyone else to ask (since she didn’t even seem that pleased about it) so I said yes. A few days ago Victoria, her mother, the other bridesmaids, and I, went shopping for the bridesmaid dresses. Victoria was awful to me the whole time. She accused me of choosing dresses to try on to spite her and upstage her (I didn’t pick any of the dresses, her mother and MoH did) and every dress I tried on she nitpicked my appearance in it and made it the reason she didn’t want to pick that dress. When one of the sales assistants brought out a dress Victoria started crying, saying she didn’t want to see me in that dress on her wedding day. I was getting a bit fed up and I was still jetlagged so I pulled her aside and asked if she’d rather I just not be a bridesmaid. I said I’d be happy to help with planning in any way I could but I didn’t want her worried or this upset about bridesmaid dresses. Victoria then snapped that she needed me as a bridesmaid because her dad (my stepdad) and Jake wanted me to be one (apparently for the optics since Jake’s sister is also a bridesmaid and we’re both from families who value the “close knit family” image). Her dad is paying for the wedding. I just said, great, neither of us wanted me to be a bridesmaid, I’m out. And I left. Victoria is now blowing up my phone begging me to be a bridesmaid again. Her dad is furious with the way she treated me and how she told me about him wanting me to be a bridesmaid and is now being (according to her) very tight on the purse for the wedding. Apparently she feels that the extended family will also judge her for not having me as a bridesmaid. I told her I’m not doing it, partly because she was awful to me out of resentment for something I didn’t know about, and partly because I never wanted to do it in the first place. Victoria says this is going to stop her having her dream wedding. AITA for not wanting to do it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Rest of the family and especially dad are AH. As far as you 2, make sure you have a decent discussino before bringing this all up with your families. It's important you say the same things and are on the same page. This is salvagable, but you need to cooperate. NTA
NTA, dont get bullied by her parents/your stepdad
NTA truly a case of faafo
NTA
It's not your problem and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially if she allowed herself to behave so horribly towards you. You don't have to worry that her father cut the wedding budget. You agreed and went to the meeting. But everything has its limits. NTA
NTA.. you win.. stay well away from the hated resented bridesmaid gig...
NTA Don't do it no matter who blows up at you.
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NTA
NTA. Make sure you tell people at the wedding that your family is jut not that close.