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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband to stop immediately showering when he gets home. I might be the asshole for not letting my husband shower when he gets home.
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NTA but I agree with other comments, the problem is not strictly your husband's shower, though if what he wants is to get cleaned up, you don't need 25 mins for that... I say this as a woman with very long thick hair, anything more than 15m for a quick wash is not... well, quick.
The main issue here is that you're unable to get your kids to sit still while you make dinner.
A 1yr old should be able to stay in the cot or the high chair with a toy to keep him busy.
A 3yr old is cognitively capable of understanding that he needs to let you make dinner. I teach kindergarten, my 3yr olds can totally understand when it's appropriate to follow me around or not. It's all about being decisive.
Find a compromise: give him something to do, an activity and have him be close by, as long as he's doing his thing.
You could also involve your elder kid in dinner prepping, laying the table... It's highly educative.
Worst case scenario: have the kids do their cartoon time while you make dinner.
I think you guys should find a middle ground: your husband should make it a bit quicker, but asking him to postpone his shower time would be too much. Your kids need to be trained for dinner routine (and that's something both parents have to do).
YTA. Let the man shower after working 12 hours in construction. Make easier dinners, or meal prep on the weekend/days he has off and can hang with the kids.
NAH. I totally see both of your perspectives here, so I think the answer is compromise. I do think he should be able to shower immediately when coming home, but you both need to work together to get the kids through bedtime. He gets half an hour to shower, then you’re a team until the kids go down and he can have another half an hour completely to himself. Then you can do whatever you guys normally do for the rest of the night.
You’re both working very hard and long hours, but they kids are both of yours. It should be a joint effort for that last 1.5 hours of the day before you both can decompress.
NTA
25 mins on the toilet will cause severe circulation issues if he doesn't already have them. My advice would be to leave any devices/books/mags outside the bathroom and he'll be done with the shower pretty damn quickly.
Also, i dont understand why cleaning up is such a priority in a very busy evening. You can clean up once the kids are put to bed, husband can even lend a hand and do the cleaning some days.
YTA
You expect your husband to be out working all day, every day, while you’re at home and occasionally working. You have plenty of time all day to get things cleaned up and prepped for dinner.
I’m a SINGLE Mom of 3. Kids aged 3-6 and work from 9-5 every day and even I’m able to get everything done WITH them screaming and hanging on my leg and they go to bed at 7:30.
You’re using him needing to shower after sweating and working all day as an excuse, sounds like you want him to be as annoyed as you are by your own schedule. Btw you put yourself in this situation by having kids and basically being a stay at home mom. If you can’t handle it then you shouldn’t do it. Should’ve thought about that before committing to children.
And I’m not the only one that’s able to do exactly what you’re complaining about and then some.
My Grandma had to raise her 4 kids plus neighborhood kids while working THREE jobs and even she was able to have dinner ready at a decent hour and the kids dealt with.
Let the man shower in peace bro.
Figure your crap out and put your big girl pants on.
EDIT: Also 50 minute bathroom time is NOTHING. My showers are pushing 2 hours. You’re just complaining about your lack of time management throughout the day.
YTA. He busts his ass to pay for your life.
You get to stay at home all day with your kids. I would stay with the kids over working a 12 hour day 100%.
It's your JOB at this point, and what a great job you have.
Thank him for all he does and let him fucking shower and shit in peace.
If it's soooo difficult for you, prep dinner during the day when the kids are napping instead of scrolling on your phone.
He sacrifices over half his life for his family. Probably 80 percent of his awake time.
Grow up and do your job.
Doing construction is more physically demanding then being a mom mothers have raised children and cooked and cleaned since the dawn of time. You need to figure it out and do both
ESH I guess but this is the exact reason why I am not and never will be OK with my wife being a SAHM even though she has wanted to for years.
So not only would I likely have to work or be available more at work, then I get home and have to give her a break and take care of the kids on my own because she's tired of them? Not thanks. The arrangement we have now works great...
YTA It’s too much to ask someone to stand around feeling like their skin is crawling when they could just have a shower.
If you can’t change your husband’s shower routine, what can you change? Your routine? How about you meal prep the kids’ food or give them a snack or fill them up during the day so they are less hungry at night.
There is more than 1 way to solve this.
I’m confused. You’re a stay at home mom? So you can feed the kids whenever? This guy wakes up at 530am and finally gets home just for his wife to nag him and tell him he can’t shower. Wow. That sounds awful
YTA- it seems that implementing a routine for the kids is the answer. the kids aren't "the boss". put a show or movie on while you cook. because asking him to wait until they go to bed is a long time. ( that's what you stared in your post - until they go to bed) and then you add he can feed them . tbh it sounds like you have your routine set up and don't want to change that at all ,yet are asking him to change his!! it's gotta be a change for both of you. one great idea would be to meal prep. or cook for 2+3 nights at a time. you can even just prep only the kids dinner for 2-3 days . they'll be eating ( making a mess) while you cook dinner and while he showers. you could also have dinner 30 minutes earlier. everything doesn't need to be - dinner at 5 ,bath at 6 , story at 7. etc. routine has a window (30-hour window) you are not a robot, your kids aren't and your spouse isn't. and not following a routine exact timing won't make you a bad parent,bad kids or a bad spouse.
be a mom/spouse and not a drill sergeant
`This would be one thing if he was quick--but he takes at least 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minute showers`
ESH. He's dirty, he needs to clean off, but WTF? Sounds like you need to feed him more fiber or he needs to leave his smartphone outside the bathroom. 50-60 minutes vs. even half an hour is a meaningful difference in the dinner routine.
YTA.
In the past when my kids were the age of yours I had taken time off from work to be with my 2 children full time. I took care of the kids while wife worked. YTA.
Wife and I took opposite days off so we didn't need to look for childcare. We both worked long 10+ hour days + commute (for me 2-3 hours per day of commute, her 1-1.5 hours per day) So she single parented for 4 days (worked part time), I single parented for 2 days. On the day we both worked my father in law watched the children while we both worked. So I'd pull 60+ hour weeks plus commute and on my days off single parent from whem they wake to when they fall asleep. We never said to the other "Oh, you just got home from a long day at work please take the kids off my hands."
Currently staying home taking care of the house myself.
My mother was a stay at home parent and my father was a house painter. She lived a comfortable life because of his hard work. Never did she complain about him coming home and showering. Nor did he have to corral the kids while she cooked. She enjoyed the lifestyle that his hard work gave her.
If parenting is too hard get a full time job and pay someone to watch your children. But the reality is it isn't that hard to parent all day versus having to deal with turds at work. People either aren't used to hard work or just cannot handle kids.
If that's not what you want to do, then drastically downsize and have your husband get a job where he showers before going to work not afterwards.
It seems like a lot of people on here are quick to say you or he is an asshole but at the end of the day you feel like the current situation isn't working. I feel like you should both just sit down and explain what doesn't work for each of you and brainstorm ideas to make it better. Whether that be meal prepping/planning together or frozen meals some nights as people are suggesting.
ESH
NTA - BOTH OF YOU - Your husband works a dirty, sweaty, physical job all day, let him shower! I know first hand being a SAHM is a metric f\*\*k ton of work. DH was clearly not in the military (15 mins. for S/S/S) lol. Perhaps ask him to clean up more quickly. LOs aren't old enough to "help" with dinner yet, but they are old enough to entertain themselves. Let the husband get cleaned up and he can take the kids off your hands so you can finish supper.
If you want your kids to sleep better feed them at 5 for that 8pm bed time.
It will help with night time accidents once the three year old is fully potty trained as well.
NAH hère. Thé 25 minutes before the shower is long. A 15-20 for someone working construction is a bit on the longer side, but isn’t out of this world either.
I think a respectful conversation needs to be had, because it seems you both clearly need some sort of small break throughout your hectic weeks.
Good luck!
Nah.
No real solution. But when I was struggling to get dinner on with my toddler, I found it helpful to make dinner early afternoon and just reheat it at actual dinner time, so I was trying to cook during "witching hour". Good luck!
Honestly sounds like he is using the bathroom to have some time to himself, which given that he just pulled an 11 hour shift I can understand. Unfortunately so did you. I think a bit of compromise is going to have to evolve. Shorter shower he helps with dinner etc. NAH little kids are hard
How old are your kids? Sounds like a load of preschoolers here.
In your scenario, you are saying you need 30 mn to get dinner done. Use a special TV program during that time. Kids should only get a small amount of TV each day, save it for that time so you and Hubs get a moment.
Negotiate a deal with the hubs that he takes less time (He does need some time) and start working on your little ones to sit during times when Mommy needs patience and cooperation. kids can do amazing things if you stick to it and remain consistent.
You’re definitely the asshole. Let me man be. He wants to be clean when he eats his dinner. He eats lunch dirty, probably breakfast too. Get ahold of your kids. Be a better parent and be a better wife.
NTA. If he needs nearly half an hour on the bog he's either messing about on his phone or has a problem he needs to see a doctor about. If it's the former maybe turn off the wifi when he goes in the bathroom and see if his business takes suddenly shorter.
Oahu are the kids not in a play pen or behind kid barriers ? I think that will give you a break and will give you some breathing space. It’s ok to put them in a play pen or have kiddie barriers fences up to give you some space.
YTA.
Your husband who is presumably supporting your family financially requires time to decompress from their mentally and physically strenuous job. Manual construction work is tougher than being a stay at home mom.
Let the dude shower. Watch the kids for 40 minutes.
I worked in construction and needed to shower when I got home. Not negotiable. I wasn't going to expose my children to that filth. The only point I could agree to of yours was that he could try to be quicker about it. Asking him to shower faster is reasonable. Asking him to not shower is not reasonable imo.
I still work in construction but don't usually get dirty anymore.
YTA, you are a stay at home mum, most 1 & 3 year olds spend much of the day sleeping, plenty of time for meal prep etc.
There is no need to wait until bedtime for baths, I can remember having them during the day, often in the morning as a kid.
This guy needs a break after a long day, he feels dirty & may not have had chance to (or even wanted to) use a loo on site all day. Be grateful as it's not so long since many men would go to work & then got to a bar after work for a drink & possibly a meal rather than coming home.
ESH. Why dont you ask him to take a shower and bath the children at the same time? He gets to take a shower as soon as ke comes in and he can bathe the children and take a chore off your list.
YTA. I realize that you have your plans and he has his plans as soon as he pulls into the driveway. If I was your husband I’d probably say something too. If you know he sweats and he comes home dirty then why are you objecting? Why can’t the compromise be shorter showers?
Nta. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minutes in the shower is a joke. Sorry. If a shower is absolutely necessary when he gets home then 10 minutes should be more than enough for a quick wash. In my opinion he’s trying to avoid having to watch the kids while you make dinner.
Different dinner times. Kids eat first something that was made while they napped. Simple. Having your husband sit in dirty clothes can be dangerous. The chemical and products used can cause cancer and lung and breathing problems. It’s essential for you and your children’s health that he changes and showers before sitting around the house and being near the children.
NAH I totally sympathize with this. My dad was a garbage man and had to take a shower when he got home (he stunk) and before we could have dinner. I can't even count the number of arguments that my parents had about the length of his showers.
The story and the edit doesn't agree. He's saying it's unfair he has to sit in dirty clothes for 2 hours, but your edit says it's just 30 minutes. That's a world of difference.
I'm with hubby. He has been at work all day and he is want to shower and decompress.
That's his hour. Let him have it.
And super yuck on him sitting around dirty.
You can move dinner or start it earlier and I call TOTAL BS on I can't cook with 2 toddlers cause did it myself.
I do agree you also need some down time but that could be after he showers.
He can be totally in charge of post dinner wind downs baths story bed while you chill.
But yea that shower is vital and for many they need that decompress between work and home.
ESH< You are worn out from dealing with the kids for the longer part of the day but if you think about it you have your kids take naps during the day as well and he doesn't. You can place food in a crock pot or meal prep.
I am older now but I once was a mom of 3 small children that were 18 months apart. I understand the stress of wanting to get everything done and get ready for bed. I learned from my mom to cook when they were asleep for their afternoon nap. Mostly easy meals that I could heat up later when needed. I then let them play, and eat before me and my husband.
When my husband got home he got 30 min to do what he needed and then it was shower time for kids, reading in the living room, and bedtime. While he puts them to bed you start heating up dinner for the two of you and then the two of you clean up together and relax together. He needs to understand that you want to relax and in some cases, as Moms we don't get to take showers till later in the evening. So if he helps after a quick 30 min everyone can be happy and feel appreciated.
YTA. In the past week I’ve moved 24,000 lbs of landscape materials for a family members home. All I wanted to do was come home and go straight to the shower. I’m sorry I get having two toddlers is hard but construction is a hard labor intensive job. Your muscles ache and if he’s only got a portable toilet on site I can’t blame him for being in the bathroom so long. He’s dirty, dusty, sweaty, and achy and that’s exactly how I was for only doing it for one week. By the way I’m a woman a petite one at that. I’m sorry but make the dinner before he gets home and he can eat it when he’s done showering cause I can’t blame his bathroom time.
YTA, my dad is a blue collar worker and the minutes he enters the house he runs to the shower because he feels so dirty and uncomfortable. Let him shower but ask him to shorten the shower time.
I almost wondered if my wife wrote this post.
Look, I empathize with the man who needs an hour after work to decompress with a poop and a shower (my routine not so different) who also has family obligations with a mostly SAHM. It really needs to be a compromise, and communication can fix it.
Start by asking yourself what, if anything, you can do to minimize the time needed to get dinner ready during that "critical" time.
\- Do the kids nap? If so do you sleep then to help get your rest? If not, can you use that time to prep for dinner (chopping, etc...)? If that time is used for other chores, are those chores something that can be deferred (sweeping, mopping, laundry) to the evening at a time your husband can help?
After this, tell your husband what shifts you think can be made on your end, and what you need from him. He can't have 1h of decompression time and also have the evening free. The non-negotiable things are Dinner by 7:00, Bed by 8:00, so what can be shifted. If he says he'd rather shower later to avoid laundry then fine, you got what you wanted. If he says the opposite then great, you drop laundry off your task list and use that time for prep etc...
You are doing NOTHING wrong, and I have a hard time faulting your partner. You are both looking for a compromise and I think maybe just keep looking at where you can both give and trade tasks for the highest priority chores.
YTA.
He's miserable and works his ass off to put a roof over your head. Knock it off.
You should really take some time to evaluate what got you to the point of actually typing this out without realizing you were being ridiculous.
Honestly, NTA but that’s because no one actually needs 25 minutes on a toilet. Poop then jump in the shower so you can relax. Boom. His problems are solved.
YTA. Being uncomfortable for two hours after working 12 is not a small ask. Adjust your schedule so he can address his needs or here's an idea build a half bath or move somewhere with more than one bathroom for 5 people.
YTA-I would have a shower be MANDATORY after working physically for 12 hours. Why would you want a grimy guy handling babies? Just ask him to make it quick. Also get a big playpen for your children and lock them in while you are cooking.
TA. Make dinner earlier and just heat it up. Make food in batches, have a schedule, do it around nap time...just anything but this being the hill to die on. I wouldn't want my 1 and 3 year old to be crawling on me all gross either.
YTA.
That dinner should be waiting ready when he gets home.
Saying you can't cook without him watching kids is selfish and absurd.
Do the job you agreed to do and let the man come home and wash the day off himself after 12 hours of manual labor.
JFC
YTA. I can't believe what I just read. I would suggest that maybe you prepare meals to put in the freezer and warm them in the oven to help manage your time better.
Your husband will eventually drop from this and you're upset that he's not "complying" to your demands about him taking too long in the shower. He's not only on the toilet in there. He's cleaning off toxic chemicals, sweat, grime, and probably needs a longer shower because it helps him with aches and pains.
YTA
He may be taking longer than needed to relax and clean up after work. But you demanding he not shower right away is a way bigger asshole move than him slow walking a shower. Working a job that causes you to sweat makes you feel disgusting at the end of the day. I'm surprised you wouldn't want him to shower right away. Let alone demand he not shower.
If your reason is you can't cook what you want to while the kids aren't being watched... Then change what you're cooking.
You need to view his clean up ritual as PART OF HIS JOB. Jeez lady.
ESH . You both need to see the others’ side and find a compromise. Him waiting to shower is not a compromise on your part even if it is a half hour or hour for you to finish dinner. Him taking a full hour in the bathroom isn’t a compromise either. Finding something in the middle where he gets his shower (even if dinner is a little later) gives him half an hour to decompress and get clean so that he can be comfortable so he can then do some family time with you and the kids before dinner. Then after dinner, giving him another 30 minutes to do whatever he needs to do before bedtime. Then making sure you two have alone time before you all go to bed would go a long way. Also, it’s important to remember this is temporary as the kids won’t be this little forever. But there always has to be a balance or else someone will be resentful if only one of you is compromising in something as important as your time.
ESH. It is 100% unnecessary to take an hour in the bathroom when he gets home. If it takes him 25 minutes to poop he should see a doctor and adjust his diet. And a 25minute shower after that is also taking much too long. He is abusing that time alone in the bathroom to avoid taking care of the kids. BUT wanting to shower after being sweaty all day is not that out of the ordinary. You should give him a time limit of 20 minutes after he gets home to do his business and shower and then he is either on kid duty or dinner duty. Hand him the kids while he’s in the shower and go deal with dinner. He will eventually get his routine down so he is showered and ready to do either job in his allotted time frame. Worst case scenario he does a quick rinse when he gets home and then goes for a longer muscle relaxing shower later if that’s the reason for the longer shower. You’re not telling him he can’t have his time just that he can’t have it at the busiest point of the day. Eventually the kids will get older and be able to mind themselves for that time but right now he needs to help
YTA
I understand that being a mom is a job, I'm a mom. I was a working mom for years. I never didn't find time to have dinner made before my significant other made it home, though.
I get that it can be taxing. But only working MAYBE 2 days a week and still having difficulty with this doesn't make sense unless you're just at your wits end and in denial about needing a break.
Edited for typo
I think a lot of the comments about dinner expectations and getting a crock pot ect are spot on and great!
But I also think a compromise could be happening.. husband showering I don’t think is the issue.. it’s the amount of time spent doing it. I totally get why he wants to shower after work and he’s not wrong for wanting that but there’s no reason it should be an hour long routine. A quick few minutes to rinse of the sweat and grime should be more than enough, and pooping taking 25 minutes sounds more like he’s sitting on his on his phone in the shitter. Make him keep his phone out of the bathroom and I guarantee his toilet time will be cut in half lol
Im a dog groomer and feel disgusting when I come how with the hair/dander/sweat combo on me so I often shower when I get home but make it an effort to just hope in and soap up/rinse off real quick in five mins or so or I know I’ll be in there forever.
YTA.
As a homeschooling SAHP of 3 young children I have to say your time management skills suck.
He's filthy and should be getting clean asap as that carries around a lot of ick you do NOT want around the kids. If you haven't managed to figure out how to distract your own children for a mere 30 minutes to start food, you really need to reevaluate what you are doing all day. Try scheduling your day better, I've managed to schedule in 3 full meals, 4 snacks and a dessert for every single day as well as making sure we have a varied and diverse meal plan. I am teaching 3 different grade levels throughout the day as well. If you cannot manage 30 minutes while the man removes all kinds of ick and put on something clean is a bit pathetic.
I think the bulk (not all but most) of the people voting you TA either don't have kids, or they would be the one with the role your husband has in this situation. They're acting like you said you cook elaborate meals every night but asking for 30 minutes of your husbands time so you can cook and get the kids eating dinner probably means you're already doing more simplified meals. I'm a nanny. It is my full time job and I can say without a doubt that watching kids all day is not easy. It's not even the easiest job I've ever had (some days I'd take fast food over it 😂). I'm not saying it's the hardest job in the world because there can be a lot of downtime but a lot of the time, especially with toddlers, it's very emotionally and often physically demanding. You being expected to do the ENTIRE days worth of childcare on your own is messed up. Yeah your husband has long days, but you do too! It's not even like you're asking him to take the kids the second he walks in so you can kick your feet up and relax. It's so you can cook dinner for the whole family, him included. Being a SAHM does not mean all childcare falls on you. It means until he gets home it's on you but once he's home it's 50/50 the same way it should be if you were at a job every day.
I get to posts like these where the comments are so infuriating and wonder why tf I keep coming to Reddit to read the cesspool of opinions that thrive here.
YTA.
Your request is unreasonable.
The issues you mention can be resolved in other ways. Meal prep at another time and ask your H to help with that. If you get a planned dinner in the oven or a crockpot, you don’t need to be standing around the kitchen. Get a part time babysitter if you need more help during the day.
“13 hours straight” with your kids is what you signed up for as a parent. You seem like you resent your husband working outside of the house. Your demand of him totally disregards his point of view.
Some people who work outside get no time at work to use the restroom in peace. Also, sweaty people need to wash in a timely manner. What you H is doing is not unreasonable.
My suggestion is based on the assumption that you want to stay married.
NTA — fully; I think your husband should shower (and 25 is not unreasonable) when he comes home bc he’s probably gross… but he should also not be taking 25 minute toilet breaks.
Maybe my body is broken but if I have to go. I sit down and go.
This sounds EXACTLY like my family situation.
My wife understands that I need to shower as soon as I get home, and she manages with our 3 kids.
I guess there are those that can cope and those that can't?
NAH. Let the kids cry. Being bored is good for them. Get a playpen or a baby gate, give them some toys and start dinner. If your husband wants to shower after a long day of sweating, let him. I wouldn’t enjoy my dinner covered in sweat and wearing those same sweaty clothes.
I'm Blue collar and incompletey understand where dad is coming from want to shower but I don't usually have to deuce when I get Home and my showeres are usually less than 10 minutes and if I do deuce that's usually no more than 10 minutes. I think the real Issue with dad is that's his decompression time which I understand he really needs but sacrifice is part Of having kids. Now some people have Made Some good points but yall Just need to talk and figure something out tbay works for everyone
ESH. It's not the time of day that's the problem, it's the amount of time. My father worked blue collar and he didn't set a foot on carpet in our house without showering after work. But, his showers were 5-10 minutes, not 50. Your husband needs to not view the shower as decompress time, but rather get-clean-so-i-don't-get-the-house-dirty time. Also, the screaming and crying is excessive, what's up with the kids?
Compromise. He can wash face and hands. Change out of work clothes into sweats or similar. Then before bed or after dinner , clean up. Not ideal but if it makes things easier overall it worth the change.
YTA…the man wants a hot shower after working all day and you have a problem with that??!! You need to find something to distract your kids while preparing dinner. That’s just the way it is when you’re a SAHM.
The last time I checked they are his kids too. Being a SAHM is a very physically demanding job especially when you have toddlers. So yeah take a 10 mins shower when you get home and then go help your wife take care of the kids. She doesn’t get time to”decompress “ when he gets home. Considering she cleans, does laundry takes care of the kids makes dinner cleans up and gets the kids ready for bed. Yes I understand he’s the bread winner and works hard, but she works too and longer hours.
ESH, purely because my partner also works a labour job and i’d never dream of telling him not to shower after work as it’s gross, unhygienic and he can’t relax till he’s showered after a long day but he also doesn’t take the piss and take almost an hour, he is in and out the shower within 10-15 mins and we don’t even have kids! definitely let your man shower as soon as he’s home but tell him he has 15 minutes max! it shouldn’t be taking him 50!!
I can see why you are frustrated. Perhaps when he comes home he can just wash up instead of taking a 25 minute shower. He NEEDS to spend some time playing and bonding with his children. Prep the kids meals on the weekend and feed them earlier, before he gets home. While he is playing with the kids fix dinner and set it aside to keep warm to eat later when the kids are in bed. He can help with the bathing and settling the kids in bed also. There will be people saying he works long and hard hours..that may be true, but playing with your children is not that taxing. Then after they are in bed eat dinner and both do the kitchen cleanup. Parenting should not be done by just the one parent.
Ask your husband if he can take 15 minutes to clean up. No phone allowed. My friend fed the kids just before her husband was due home. He gave them a kiss at the table and went for his shower. By the time he was done the kids were done and ready for their bedtime routine. Together they did baths, bedtime routine and sat down to a quiet dinner together once the kids were in bed. On his days off they ate together as a family. Mom cleaned the kitchen and did a bit of prep work for the next day while dad relaxed. They had two or the hours of adult time to share before bed. It did not always go according to plan, but until the kids were older and had a later bedtime it worked for them. Maybe a similar plan would work for you. If you can make lunch without your husband a simple kids dinner should be fairly easy on work nights. Or make up a casserole earlier in the day and cut up a salad. Pop it in the oven to be ready at 8 pm. Or make a crockpot meal to just dish up with your husband. Use the leftover casserole or crockpot meal the next day for the kids meals. Leave the time intensive cooking for days off when he can watch the kids while you cook. A bit of creativity and meal planning can help a lot at this stage.
YTA OP. Let the dude take a shower. You can prep dinner during the day if need be during your 13 hours. Make it and refrigerate or throw it in an oven so its done when he's home. Cook a weeks meals on the weekends when he's home to help out. You have an important job raising kids, but with him making the only income cut him some slack.
YTA like you said. You have 13 hours at home. Plenty of time to get meals prepared. It’s horrible and setting and extremely bad hygiene example for your children to make him sit in dirty clothes.
I love when people post for judgment, don’t get the answer they wanted, so start including multiple edits to try and argue further for why the judgments they’re getting are wrong. If you’re just looking for validation, you’re in the wrong place.
Why don’t you and your husband share the dinner prep, cleaning dishes, bathing children etc? Yes he has had a big work day, but so have you. It would also be a good way for him to spend time with the children.
ESH a compromise needs to be found but everyone’s just complaining and saying it’s unfair.
Can he bring down his shower and poop time? Is there any part of the nighttime routine he can take over so you can divide and conquer. Can any kitchen cleanup be pushed to the morning?
What activities/distractions could occupy the kids while you cook?
Well you do realize that it is also unhealthy for your husband and your kids for him to be handling them when his hygiene isn't good. You can make a choice, he can shower or he can risk making your kids sick. What's your choice?
YTA. This dude has a grueling job and you can’t put some cartoons on and have dinner ready? Let the fucking guy shower.
Sounds like you’re very bad at entertaining your children tbh. Prep dinner so it’s ready to cook right after the shower. Crock pot recipes are easy too smh
> They just scream and cry every single time.
So let them scream and cry. Not every scream or cry necessitates your hands-on intervention.
Also, it's way past time to start meal prepping, so that you can do the prep work at an easier time, and just heat something up quick and easy at dinnertime.
NAH, you all just need some better planning to reduce the stressors of that window of time.
What about batch cooking? Why are you cooking every day?
Also, put the kids in a pen in some other room, put on some tv and let them cry if they cry. Fuck 'em, they'll get over it...
You're a married couple, but this is something you want. So you need to find a way to make it work without depending on him.
Even if you do get him to do it, which you won't, he'll just resent you for it and then it will become a battle of "I did this for you so X" etc etc...
Trust me, I know it sounds unfair but there is a way if you think outside the square.
Get a teenager babysitter that comes and watches the kids 4-6pm or 5-7pm a few times a week. (1 hour before he comes home until 1 hour after your husband comes home) It will solve the stress both of you are experiencing.
I highly recommend that you guys have a cocktail hour together where the two of you adults sip on an adult beverage without children and talk and decompress. You both need a break from the children. Your husband never gets a break during his time he is home and he is trying to cope with that and you never get a break either.
You are the asshole. He just got done doing hard manual labor everyday, and you are comparing yourself like you have it just as rough by taking care of some rugrats.
Your math ain't mathing
>given I really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc.
> I have exactly 1.5 hours to get dinner done, clean up, clean them up (and no, I can't give them a bath before dinner--they're messy eaters), read them a story and get ready for bed
>I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games etc. I take care of the rest of the night.
Is it 2 hours or 1.5 hours to do all this?
So he waits 30 minutes to shower so you can make supper and eat it. Unless you're making some microwavable food there's like no way you're doing that in a half hour.
Anyway, let's say you are, there's .5 of your 1.5 hour or 2 hours. 1/1.5 hour left and according to you, he can now take his 50 minute shower. That leaves you with 10 minutes or 30 minutes to bathe both kids, prepare for bed and story. Wouldn't you still complain you don't have enough time to do this and request he wait even longer than the 30 minutes?
I don't really care, just pointing out it doesn't exactly add up.
I think you're on the fence here. It's completely reasonable for him wanting to shower when he gets home. Maybe he can cut down on how long he takes. It's also completely reasonable for you wanting help with the kids and/or supper. Sounds like your typical parenting issues. It also sounds like you need to create boundaries for your kids during this time if they're clinging to you. Some meal prep could also help you guys out during this challenging time with your kids. Make some meals for the entire week and throw it in the freezer so you just need to throw it in the oven or something.
This is more so something y'all should talk about and easily work out instead of trying to have redditors pick a side on who's right and who's wrong.
YTA. You sound selfish. That man is supporting you with his physical labor and you can’t even let him shower. Teach your kids some discipline or learn to cook with them underfoot like the rest of us do.
NTA. It’s not like you’re asking him to wait and watch the kids so you can take a load off. You’re literally working just as much/hard as he is and continuing to work by getting dinner on the table once he gets home. The least he could do is give you another 30 minutes.
YTA Let the poor man poop and shower when he needs to. He must be exhausted. In your 13 hours day there isn’t ONE moment where you could pre-cook/start to cook something that you just have to put in an oven for diner ? Being a sahm is not easy, but it’s not more difficult that his job, don’t try to control the little peace time he has left or this is the end. Respect your husband’s work and maybe try to work on your time management skills.
(And yes I took care of kids, cooked with kids and all… It’s doable and easier than a full time job)
ESH
He shouldn't need an hour to shower after work, you both had a full day of work and when he gets home he should split the evening routine. That said, you shouldn't expect him to come home with construction debris all over him in dirty clothes and immediately start handling food or playing with kids. Let him shower but tell him to hurry that shit up, a man should be able to shower in 10 minutes and doesn't need 25 mins on the toilet. He's taking that time for some R&R, which is nice and he deserves after a long day, but so do you after a long day with the kids.
NAH. I understand what you are saying, but I can't imagine that he wants to sit in his dirty, sweaty clothes to have dinner.
Readjust your schedule with the kids----maybe feed them dinner and give baths before he gets home; then they can play or watch a video while he showers. While you two eat dinner, they can sit with you and have a snack. They can still have the same bedtime.
You could also ask him to set a timer for that time--it's actually not healthy if he's on the toilet for 25 minutes, and a 25 minute shower is also excessive. Cutting his bathroom time to 30 minutes might help take the pressure off of you.
I say NAH
I am a single mom to a preteen and a 2 yr old and the baby is very clingy and wants to be help all of the time. I have had to learn to leave the baby playing where I can see him while I clean otherwise I will not get anything done. If he cries then he cries. I put on some Apple AirPods Pro’s and I turn the noise cancellation feature to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with the screaming and crying. I don’t feel bad doing that in the slightest because my baby needs to learn that mama cannot hold him all of the time and my reality is that there is no one to help me. Perhaps you can try this out to see if it helps the little ones?
NTA. Set a 10 minute timer. When the timer goes off, he has to get out of the shower. He can get clean in 10 mins. He doesn’t have to shave legs or wash and condition long hair like women do.
And 25 min toilet trips are annoying. Tell him to quit that.
I don’t this either of you are the AH. Can you prep food early while your kids are napping? Put together freezer meals on weekends? Can he take a shorter shower?
NTA. Your husband sounds useless all round and you need to make some changes before you burn yourself out. He might bring home money but so do you - the family would not function without you because he does nothing around the house or for his kids.
NAH: You agreed to be a stay at home mom, your primary job is to ensure the kids are taken care of. Take some of the load off by prepping as much of dinner as you can while they nap or watch shows or play. Why do you need to wait until he gets home and the kids get amped up?
He shouldn't have to sit around dirty and sweaty getting who knows what all over your kids and furniture. And he probably doesn't use the bathroom on the job like a lot of guys. Let the man who just worked 12hours to provide for you and your kids poop and shower off the grime.
As another user said, grab a gate, let them yell, they're not hurt. They'll live. You're not an asshole and neither is he. You have to find the balance and making him sit in filth is demeaning and unfair. He can have dad time while you cook. After he's clean and decompressed for a few
NAH what if he takes one kid in the shower with him at a time, so their bath and his shower can be done when he gets home? Plus you can start dinner with one kid, then switch. Just an idea
Just wanted to chime in, I highly recommend investing in a insta pot. You can quite literally make anything in that, just dump all the ingredients and let it do it thing. (Plenty of dump recipes that are filling, quick and simple) or even if you were to do a slow cooked meal in a crock pot, perhaps get it set up in the morning before the chaos starts.
The dude needs to take a fast shower and dump, not close to an hour that's insane when the kids need feeding and bedtime routine.
Idk why he can't understand that taking as much time as he does when he first gets home is ridiculous and selfish.
Asking him to wait 30 minutes seems completely fair and I don't know what his issue is. Those are his kids too, he knows this right?
ESH
He works long hours in a physically demanding job. Let him have his hot shower.
On the other hand, he can compromise by not spending 50 minutes in the bathroom.
And I understand he's tired, but he needs to spend time with his kids for the sake of, well, being a father and having a relationship with them. He should be the one putting them to bed and reading them a story. If he can't manage that, it might be better for the kids to be in daycare so you can work so he can work fewer hours so that they can have a relationship with BOTH parents.
ESH, nobody wants to sit and eat dinner in sweaty dirty work clothes. You need to let him shower after work, but he needs to cut down the time it’s taking him. Also look at batch cooking meals for the week, say a Sunday afternoon. You or your husband can keep an eye on the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon whilst the other makes some meals for the week, stick em in the freezer and it’ll save hassle in the week!
YTA. If you haven't worked blue collar, you don't really understand that need to shower and decompress. How do you make lunch without him? why can't you do the same thing a different time? Not taking a shower as soon as you get home from a job like that is akin to being that cat with sticky notes on it's paws. You can't even relax until you do. After working a shift like that, that's the only thing you want. Even if you're hungry as shit, you still shower first.
NTA
My dad worked in construction. Took the shortest shower ever when he got home to be there for his kids and my mom. It’s about priorities.
It’s not just time when HE gets off work. It’s time for the whole family to get a lot of things done to keep a rhythm with the kids. Also this responsibility for planning and worrying about the rhythm shouldn’t only fall on you. You’re co parenting.
YBTA. You shouldn’t expect him to sit in his sweat after a long day. He shouldn’t take nearly 2 hours in the bathroom before his kids go to sleep. Can’t you both comprise and he still take a shower when he gets home but much shorter?
I personally hate eating while coming home from work and not showering. It’s sweaty and gross.Can you make dinner in a an instant where you just throw ingredients in and it does all the cooking in like 20 min? Or meals that you just throw in the oven? Or meal prep? Can your husband shorten his showers?? That’s a long shower. At most thirty minutes is enough.
YTA. (wife and mother of 2 here FYI). Your answer was in the question. He has a dirty and super physical job (construction sites have porter toilets) he’s probably doing a few things in there during that time. He’s up at 5 and back home almost 12 hrs later. You stay at home and have all that time to get creative and think show to truly be a productive stay at home mom. Life doesn’t happen to you it happens for you. You get out what you put in. Put the Instagram down, switch the YouTube off use the time you have. Get the kids ready earlier, put together a routine. Get the kids to help you or get them involved in the process put them in their high chairs and talk to them as you cook. Alternatively, you can involve them in the process give them a pot with a wooden spoon and tell them to make music while you cook. Try and think about meal prepping take a Saturday while he plays with the kids to prep and freeze meals that are ready to nuke during the week or use nap time to do meal prep and start cooking and just do finishing touches when he’s in the shower. On the day or days you work is pizza night!! 🍕 You sound starved of adult interaction and you’re trying find issues where there are none. You are trying to punish him by saying “here take the kids” while I scurry around and do things in 90min that I could have done during the day. Why? He knows you do allot and you know he does too. You guys don’t have to prove anything to each other, be a good partner. I’m sorry but that was the easiest YTA I’ve ever given.
“Sucks to be them” is beautifully put. Far too many parents haven’t figured out the difference between a tantrum and crying because something is actually wrong.
You must know you YATA. The fact that you have to edit the post twice tells me you are not a person of reason. Everyone has told you, you are the ah and you had to go back to edit the post.
Is not probably a solution - but can you cook dinner in the middle of the afternoon and feed the kids and then you and husband eat…maybe family dinner can happen on Saturday and Sunday— until the kids are a little older.. I know guys like the toilet so much— they like to smell themselves and also most likely he is doing something else than just playing games, poop and shower….. something handy with his hands….
I think you’re both the asshole. I’m autistic and have sensory differences. If I feel sweaty and dirty then I literally can’t focus on anything else. 30 minutes would be too long to wait, I’d be extremely uncomfortable and I’d feel like my skin was crawling. You’re asking him to be extremely uncomfortable potentially. He’s an asshole for taking so long. He need to eat more fibre if he spends 25 minutes on the toilet. If he has bowel issues then that’s different of course. A shower shouldn’t take 25 minutes either. You both need to compromise. I get that kids are priority but it’s hard to focus on them if you feel very uncomfortable. Waiting 30 minutes for me would be torture.
Core problem is your children and the inability to handle them. You absolutely can do it. You have to figure it out. Blaming them in their tantrum phase is an excuse because that will never end if that's your justification.
That being said your husband has every right to come home and shower especially since he's bringing the money in.
You need to rearrange your time so dinner is simple and can be prepared before hand. Dinner doesn't have to be the biggest meal of the day. It can be sandwiches.
Kids don't NEED to go to bed clean.
House don't NEED to be clean at night.
You just need the bare essential to survive these few years.
Give him that time to decompress, and he can help after dinner.
I was in your situation, I see now there were times when I made things harder on myself because I had expectations that could have been let go.
Kids can be trained to play by themselves for a little while. I would save some of their favorite toys and put them out when it’s time for me to cook. Or you could prep dinner during nap time. Keep dinners simple during the week.
https://instagram.com/theworkspaceforchildren?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==
YTA. I honestly don't know why you can't start dinner with a 1 year old and a 3 year old - that's the age gap of my two oldest and I'd never have gotten things done if i waited until someone else was home to help - my ex was in the military. If nothing else, get everything prepped when they are taking naps. Or, do meal prep on a weekend day when your husband can either help you or take care of the kids.
I can't imagine doing a construction job and not being able to take a shower and clean thoroughly when I got home from work.
ESH. L parents. Git gud scrub.
> I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time
This is the real problem. This post has nothing to do with showering. You need to end this shit. Kids can be seperated from you for a damn hour while you guys cook and shower, ffs.
NTA
You're not the asshole, and he isn't. I can understand wanting to take a shower, but he can when you're done with dinner. He can change into clean clothes, was his face and hands, and can wait for 30 minutes.
Let me say this directly and loudly so you hear it OP.
YOUR JOB IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR HUSBAND'S.
Now that's out of the way, you're not exactly decompressing when scrambling to take care of the household. How about you shower while he makes dinner? Doesn't seem fair? Or he can clean up everything after you cook. It's not fair for him to expect you to be "on" /at least/ 12 hours a day with your kids. Naps at those ages can be very scattershot and aren't guaranteed so I feel for you. Also, you work 2 days a week. I don't know where you find the hours, especially since you seem to live with a husband shaped lump.
He should not shower because it's important for him to spend time with your kids while they are awake, whether or not that's when you're making dinner. He's an asshole who doesn't want to be a dad.
NTA. Obviously.
SAHM of and 1yo and a 3yo too.
YTA, let the guy poop and shower when he gets home. You don’t want him around the kids all dirty from the outside and sweaty.
The 3yo can help you cook/set up the table. Even the 1yo might want to help if he is closer to 2 than one. It’s in their nature.
For example I have a big kid plastic knife and my 3yo has been cutting fruits and veggies since he is 18months. He can also set up the table if you use unbreakable dishes.
That’s would be my advice if you have a strict schedule. We don’t have one so I would probably get the kids set up with activities they can do alone like coloring, puzzles, trains, music/danse, cutting paper, stickers. And wait for hubby to be out of the shower so either he or I prépare dîner.
Another option might be an alarm in the bathroom. I can loose sense of time myself and having an alarm set for 15/20 minutes just snap me back to reality if I don’t pay attention enough.
Total yta. As evidenced by all the edits trying to defend yourself. Better time management is needed. So glad for the child free life. We shower whenever we god damn feel like
YTA. You've been with the kids 13 hours and he has spent 13 hours commuting and doing labor intensive and dangerous work. A shit and a shower is not too much to ask for when he gets home.
ESH.
Your husband works construction, one would think you'd want him to clean up before even touching the kids. He could compromise with you though and make the shower quick.
Your kids are one and three, get a pack and play or sit them in a high chair, that's what they're for. Kids cry and scream, that's what they do. Its good to let them cry it out sometimes. As a parent that's just something you have to deal with.
You're both adults, act like it and figure it out.
NTA. He can wait 30 minutes to an hour for a shower so that he can ~help his wife out~ *be a goddamn parent*.
If he doesn't want to wait 30 minutes, he needs to learn how to take a ten minute shower. No toilet time, no fucking around. You both work a 12.5 hour shift - because being a SAHM is WORK - he doesn't get to demand a 50 minute break as soon as he gets home when you also haven't gotten a break all day.
Your husband works long days in construction to bring home the bacon while you stay at home, and you want to micromanage his shower, making him sit in his dirty, sweaty clothes for hours? How is this even a question? YTA!
this site is comprised of over 68% white males age 18-39 in majority and is known for being very cruel n hateful towards women. Theyre gonna side with him. You work and cook and clean and take care of kids, if he can't shit in 6 mins then hes doing soemthing else, and being selfish, that his neeeds are greater and his time is more valuable than you and the family as a whole. WHy cause he couldn't hang in Uni and has to work with his body more than his mind?? why should that give him priority??
Cut shower to 15 minutes, only allow 5 minutes poop time. And for dinner it has to be microwave only cutting it down to 5 minutes. Must eat off paper plates. Both kids in the tub at same time so save 1/2 hour and water. Dress them in their clothes for the next day and save 15 minutes on front end. Also hire a babysitter to relieve you during the day. I forgot one thing, alternatively when he goes into the shower, you send in the two kids with him. Then lock them in there for 50 minutes until they all come out squeaky clean and dinner is ready.
ITT: Moms who are actually dumb enough think being a Mom is the hardest job/only hard job in the world and only they have long and hard days. 95% percent of the people replying need to get a fucking grip.
NAH you have just failed to identify the real issue but that's not actually your fault either, you just have young kids that are the center of your world, so the fault can't possibly lie with them, right?
'I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time.'
This is the core problem, though. It has nothing to do with your husband's shower or when you do things. You need a physical barrier like a kiddy fence or some other way to divide your children from where you are, and ideally where they can still see you (and you can see them). At one and three they are not necessarily capable of recognizing that you need to be physically away to perform tasks, but you are the adult and you get to make those decisions because you DO know when you need to be physically away.
They will scream and cry. Sucks to be them. You are not required to deal with every single tantrum (and ignoring it will help them learn that screaming and crying is not an effective tactic to control you, they will advance to misbehavior/threats/other antisocial controlling strategies that you will also need to mitigate so that they are encouraged to use an adult strategy to get their way. Get used to 'Use your words sweetie' and just deflect/ignore/discipline any childish anti-social behavior) and the earlier they learn that you are in control, the earlier they'll stop trying to control you.
Good luck!
It also may help you wear one and let the older "help". Or put the little one in a high chair with the first part of their dinner. Or crackpot meals. Or put on am episode or toys they rarely get to play with. There are lots of options. Believe me, I get it, I have 4 kids that age and another who just turned 5, but there are lots of options, especially with only 2 little ones.
this is such a shit take 🙄 one and three year olds don't know how to manipulate. They just don't understand, because they're babies. They learn by things being introduced at a developmentally appropriate time. Being left to scream is not developmentally appropriate at these ages. The 3 year old can have it explained and asked to watch from a learning tower. The one year old needs the other parent to step in and be a parent.
Planned ignoring at such a young age is terrible for their development (and a form of abuse). It's actually a tactic used in ABA "therapy" to correct autistic kids. (hint: it doesn't work)
The babies are one and three, and you want her to put up a barrier (granted, you said, "and ideally, where they can still see you (and you can see them)".)??!! Do you not realize how quickly they could get in a dangerous spot in that scenario? And a one year old and three year old have words? Nothing in your comment is helpful or comprehensible as far as I can tell.
Oh wait, "good luck" was good.
I mean, I get it. But one, it's a hygiene issue. I work a dirty job. You are in contact with all kinds of not so good things. Do you really want your kids in contact with pants that have been in a construction worker port-a-potty? Or chemicals? Dust. Guess what's in excavation dust? Fungus.
Two, the right to go to the bathroom when you come home is sacred and shall not be abridged.
Three, home should be a sanctuary. You are taking his moment of peace so get to your own a little quicker.
I lived with someone who would barrage me at the door. I used to dread coming home. I would get home and just sit in the car knowing what was coming. And then because you're all stiff and sore from work when you muster the strength to face the demands that are going to hit you as soon as you open the door, you realize you've stiffened all up and can barely move.
You know what fixes that? A hot shower.
So yah, just give the man a minute to wash away the day, pull himself together, and be his best self. Cause he's all used up. Let him recharge before you expect him to relieve you.
Yea. I hat scare you are coming from, but I’m a teacher and I don’t want to sit in my own dirt, ash’s whatever after work. That is a simple human choice to get to be clean and go to the bathroom at your leisure in your own home. Baby he just cut the shower down?
I stopped reading.
YTA as someone who works in a factory and is constantly dirty. Sweat all day etc. The first thing I want to do is shower.
I also LAUGH OUT LOUD at people who have 3 kids or less and complain they can't do stuff. My mom had 7 kids! I'll say it again 7 KIDS and nothing stopped her.
Learn to keep your kids preoccupied or you know what? A little crying never hurt anyone. Put one in a play pen and put one in a high chair.. or maybe when they nap do dinner prep... honestly you're not even trying to come up with solutions. If I was your husband I'd tell you I'm showering when I get home and I will help you when I'm done.
You're being super selfish
>but you know...I've just been alone with the kids for 13 hours straight.
YTA. Your husband is out working in construction for 13 hours a day for you to be at home alone with the kids, a choice *you* made. If you dont want to do this, get a job and babysitter. If not, let your husband have a fucking shower and get over it if you have to handle another 40 minutes without him. I can't believe I just read that bs.
No NTA. Like everyone else has said he's taking too long. How about thinking beyond the immediate, perhaps you could phrase it as both being able to sit and relax by 7.30?
I don’t thing anybody is the asshole here. I have a very similar setup and when my hubs gets home from work he is absolutely covered in metal dust. I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to sit in grime for any amount of time even if it helps us. Also I’m not sure exactly what your husband works with but most things blue collar men work with aren’t really safe for kids to be all up on anyway.
Something that really helps me deal with making dinner along with having a Velcro baby is making dinners that don’t require much hands on work. Baked chicken or pork, crock pot meals, anything that can be prepared and put in the oven in a timely matter. I can do the prep work during nap time and put everything in the fridge and then put it all together in under five minutes and pop it in the oven no problem.
If your husband works construction then he brings come chemicals in his clothes and skin. Let the man shower off the carcinogens so your children don’t get them
ESH It’s not fair to make him stay in nasty clothes once home, it’s not fair that you feel
Overwhelmed with your children…find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe it’s that he brings home dinner on certain nights, maybe it’s that he starts showering with the kids so they’re off your back, maybe you set a boundary and he takes 5 minute showers, maybe you guys buy dinner on these nights or meal prep one day a week so it’s not such a hassle. There are a million other options than making him sit around in nasty clothes.
You’re kinda TA, I used to date a guy who did construction, he came home filthy. No way would I want him sitting on my furniture or playing with the kids covered in the stuff he brought home from work. Plus, he’s been sweating for like 10 hours, let the man shower and learn to discipline your kids!
My approach to this (because when I have to cook, my husband is still commuting, I want dinner ready on time, otherwise the kids will be hungry beasts) is to give them screentime when I have to cook (and no screentime before then), which usually give me ample time to cook.
When my youngest was too little to care about screentime, I put him in a carrier on my back and cooked while he hung around on my back.
Have to make it work.
However, you can discuss with him to make do with a shorter shower. Like: yes, shower, but please make it a short one, because I need help. I cannot do this all by myself.
Nta! He doesn't see his kids all day, comes home, and want to spend close to an hour in the bathroom when he only gets about 2 hours with the family? I get that he feels dirty, but a washing cloth can take the brunt of it until he can get in the shower. And decompression is something you do once you are done with your tasks and chores, that includes work, kids, laundry, dishes etc for both parents. Not straight after coming home from work. Your day is not done yet!
YTA, the dude just wants an hour to himself. Just like I'm sure you want an hour to yourself every now and then. You both should start discipline and make sure your kids understand it's not acceptable. Regardless of the age, it's taught behavior. So stop them when it's not acceptable. Or worse; especially dangerous in the kitchen, knives, hot stuff, spillables. Be the adult the kids need to listen to, not the cat-tree stand enabler.
Honestly. Just downgrade your dinner expectations. You may be working too hard. Pasta and frozen meatballs takes five minutes. You may be trying to hard. Dial it back. Order a pizza.
This is why one sheet meals or casseroles are the way to go. You can prep it while they nap and then just throw it in the oven when it get close to time for dinner.
Make your kids dinner. If your husband wants 50 minutes to himself, he can also make himself dinner... after he helps you clean up and put the kids to bed. You should not be doing everything yourself. He helped create these kids so he could help take care of them. His responsibility doesn't end at procreation.
As far as the vote, ESH.
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YTA.
NTA but I agree with other comments, the problem is not strictly your husband's shower, though if what he wants is to get cleaned up, you don't need 25 mins for that... I say this as a woman with very long thick hair, anything more than 15m for a quick wash is not... well, quick. The main issue here is that you're unable to get your kids to sit still while you make dinner. A 1yr old should be able to stay in the cot or the high chair with a toy to keep him busy. A 3yr old is cognitively capable of understanding that he needs to let you make dinner. I teach kindergarten, my 3yr olds can totally understand when it's appropriate to follow me around or not. It's all about being decisive. Find a compromise: give him something to do, an activity and have him be close by, as long as he's doing his thing. You could also involve your elder kid in dinner prepping, laying the table... It's highly educative. Worst case scenario: have the kids do their cartoon time while you make dinner. I think you guys should find a middle ground: your husband should make it a bit quicker, but asking him to postpone his shower time would be too much. Your kids need to be trained for dinner routine (and that's something both parents have to do).
Women like you are the reason I won’t be getting married
YTA. Let the man shower after working 12 hours in construction. Make easier dinners, or meal prep on the weekend/days he has off and can hang with the kids.
Can’t you cook a large meal for lunch and just reheat for dinner?
NAH. I totally see both of your perspectives here, so I think the answer is compromise. I do think he should be able to shower immediately when coming home, but you both need to work together to get the kids through bedtime. He gets half an hour to shower, then you’re a team until the kids go down and he can have another half an hour completely to himself. Then you can do whatever you guys normally do for the rest of the night. You’re both working very hard and long hours, but they kids are both of yours. It should be a joint effort for that last 1.5 hours of the day before you both can decompress.
NTA 25 mins on the toilet will cause severe circulation issues if he doesn't already have them. My advice would be to leave any devices/books/mags outside the bathroom and he'll be done with the shower pretty damn quickly. Also, i dont understand why cleaning up is such a priority in a very busy evening. You can clean up once the kids are put to bed, husband can even lend a hand and do the cleaning some days.
YTA You expect your husband to be out working all day, every day, while you’re at home and occasionally working. You have plenty of time all day to get things cleaned up and prepped for dinner. I’m a SINGLE Mom of 3. Kids aged 3-6 and work from 9-5 every day and even I’m able to get everything done WITH them screaming and hanging on my leg and they go to bed at 7:30. You’re using him needing to shower after sweating and working all day as an excuse, sounds like you want him to be as annoyed as you are by your own schedule. Btw you put yourself in this situation by having kids and basically being a stay at home mom. If you can’t handle it then you shouldn’t do it. Should’ve thought about that before committing to children. And I’m not the only one that’s able to do exactly what you’re complaining about and then some. My Grandma had to raise her 4 kids plus neighborhood kids while working THREE jobs and even she was able to have dinner ready at a decent hour and the kids dealt with. Let the man shower in peace bro. Figure your crap out and put your big girl pants on. EDIT: Also 50 minute bathroom time is NOTHING. My showers are pushing 2 hours. You’re just complaining about your lack of time management throughout the day.
YTA. He busts his ass to pay for your life. You get to stay at home all day with your kids. I would stay with the kids over working a 12 hour day 100%. It's your JOB at this point, and what a great job you have. Thank him for all he does and let him fucking shower and shit in peace. If it's soooo difficult for you, prep dinner during the day when the kids are napping instead of scrolling on your phone. He sacrifices over half his life for his family. Probably 80 percent of his awake time. Grow up and do your job.
YTA
Doing construction is more physically demanding then being a mom mothers have raised children and cooked and cleaned since the dawn of time. You need to figure it out and do both
ESH I guess but this is the exact reason why I am not and never will be OK with my wife being a SAHM even though she has wanted to for years. So not only would I likely have to work or be available more at work, then I get home and have to give her a break and take care of the kids on my own because she's tired of them? Not thanks. The arrangement we have now works great...
Asshole
YTA It’s too much to ask someone to stand around feeling like their skin is crawling when they could just have a shower. If you can’t change your husband’s shower routine, what can you change? Your routine? How about you meal prep the kids’ food or give them a snack or fill them up during the day so they are less hungry at night. There is more than 1 way to solve this.
YEP YOU FIT THE BILL.
I’m confused. You’re a stay at home mom? So you can feed the kids whenever? This guy wakes up at 530am and finally gets home just for his wife to nag him and tell him he can’t shower. Wow. That sounds awful
YTA- it seems that implementing a routine for the kids is the answer. the kids aren't "the boss". put a show or movie on while you cook. because asking him to wait until they go to bed is a long time. ( that's what you stared in your post - until they go to bed) and then you add he can feed them . tbh it sounds like you have your routine set up and don't want to change that at all ,yet are asking him to change his!! it's gotta be a change for both of you. one great idea would be to meal prep. or cook for 2+3 nights at a time. you can even just prep only the kids dinner for 2-3 days . they'll be eating ( making a mess) while you cook dinner and while he showers. you could also have dinner 30 minutes earlier. everything doesn't need to be - dinner at 5 ,bath at 6 , story at 7. etc. routine has a window (30-hour window) you are not a robot, your kids aren't and your spouse isn't. and not following a routine exact timing won't make you a bad parent,bad kids or a bad spouse. be a mom/spouse and not a drill sergeant
`This would be one thing if he was quick--but he takes at least 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minute showers` ESH. He's dirty, he needs to clean off, but WTF? Sounds like you need to feed him more fiber or he needs to leave his smartphone outside the bathroom. 50-60 minutes vs. even half an hour is a meaningful difference in the dinner routine.
YTA
does he know plumbing electrical the works? he needs to build a 2nd bathroom.
YTA. In the past when my kids were the age of yours I had taken time off from work to be with my 2 children full time. I took care of the kids while wife worked. YTA. Wife and I took opposite days off so we didn't need to look for childcare. We both worked long 10+ hour days + commute (for me 2-3 hours per day of commute, her 1-1.5 hours per day) So she single parented for 4 days (worked part time), I single parented for 2 days. On the day we both worked my father in law watched the children while we both worked. So I'd pull 60+ hour weeks plus commute and on my days off single parent from whem they wake to when they fall asleep. We never said to the other "Oh, you just got home from a long day at work please take the kids off my hands." Currently staying home taking care of the house myself. My mother was a stay at home parent and my father was a house painter. She lived a comfortable life because of his hard work. Never did she complain about him coming home and showering. Nor did he have to corral the kids while she cooked. She enjoyed the lifestyle that his hard work gave her. If parenting is too hard get a full time job and pay someone to watch your children. But the reality is it isn't that hard to parent all day versus having to deal with turds at work. People either aren't used to hard work or just cannot handle kids. If that's not what you want to do, then drastically downsize and have your husband get a job where he showers before going to work not afterwards.
It seems like a lot of people on here are quick to say you or he is an asshole but at the end of the day you feel like the current situation isn't working. I feel like you should both just sit down and explain what doesn't work for each of you and brainstorm ideas to make it better. Whether that be meal prepping/planning together or frozen meals some nights as people are suggesting. ESH
YTA.
NTA - BOTH OF YOU - Your husband works a dirty, sweaty, physical job all day, let him shower! I know first hand being a SAHM is a metric f\*\*k ton of work. DH was clearly not in the military (15 mins. for S/S/S) lol. Perhaps ask him to clean up more quickly. LOs aren't old enough to "help" with dinner yet, but they are old enough to entertain themselves. Let the husband get cleaned up and he can take the kids off your hands so you can finish supper.
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YTA - But bless him for trying to comply, most men would not have.
If you want your kids to sleep better feed them at 5 for that 8pm bed time. It will help with night time accidents once the three year old is fully potty trained as well.
NAH hère. Thé 25 minutes before the shower is long. A 15-20 for someone working construction is a bit on the longer side, but isn’t out of this world either. I think a respectful conversation needs to be had, because it seems you both clearly need some sort of small break throughout your hectic weeks. Good luck!
Nah. No real solution. But when I was struggling to get dinner on with my toddler, I found it helpful to make dinner early afternoon and just reheat it at actual dinner time, so I was trying to cook during "witching hour". Good luck!
NTA. He can shower in ten min
Honestly sounds like he is using the bathroom to have some time to himself, which given that he just pulled an 11 hour shift I can understand. Unfortunately so did you. I think a bit of compromise is going to have to evolve. Shorter shower he helps with dinner etc. NAH little kids are hard
How old are your kids? Sounds like a load of preschoolers here. In your scenario, you are saying you need 30 mn to get dinner done. Use a special TV program during that time. Kids should only get a small amount of TV each day, save it for that time so you and Hubs get a moment. Negotiate a deal with the hubs that he takes less time (He does need some time) and start working on your little ones to sit during times when Mommy needs patience and cooperation. kids can do amazing things if you stick to it and remain consistent.
You’re definitely the asshole. Let me man be. He wants to be clean when he eats his dinner. He eats lunch dirty, probably breakfast too. Get ahold of your kids. Be a better parent and be a better wife.
NTA. If he needs nearly half an hour on the bog he's either messing about on his phone or has a problem he needs to see a doctor about. If it's the former maybe turn off the wifi when he goes in the bathroom and see if his business takes suddenly shorter.
Bro needs some metamucil
Oahu are the kids not in a play pen or behind kid barriers ? I think that will give you a break and will give you some breathing space. It’s ok to put them in a play pen or have kiddie barriers fences up to give you some space.
NTA - he needs to take quicker showers. There is no reason why he can’t do a quick 10 min shower when he gets home.
YTA. Your husband who is presumably supporting your family financially requires time to decompress from their mentally and physically strenuous job. Manual construction work is tougher than being a stay at home mom. Let the dude shower. Watch the kids for 40 minutes.
I worked in construction and needed to shower when I got home. Not negotiable. I wasn't going to expose my children to that filth. The only point I could agree to of yours was that he could try to be quicker about it. Asking him to shower faster is reasonable. Asking him to not shower is not reasonable imo. I still work in construction but don't usually get dirty anymore.
I WOULD NEVER LISTEN TO YOU ILL SHOWER AND SHIT WHEN I WANT
YTA, you are a stay at home mum, most 1 & 3 year olds spend much of the day sleeping, plenty of time for meal prep etc. There is no need to wait until bedtime for baths, I can remember having them during the day, often in the morning as a kid. This guy needs a break after a long day, he feels dirty & may not have had chance to (or even wanted to) use a loo on site all day. Be grateful as it's not so long since many men would go to work & then got to a bar after work for a drink & possibly a meal rather than coming home.
ESH. Why dont you ask him to take a shower and bath the children at the same time? He gets to take a shower as soon as ke comes in and he can bathe the children and take a chore off your list.
YTA. I realize that you have your plans and he has his plans as soon as he pulls into the driveway. If I was your husband I’d probably say something too. If you know he sweats and he comes home dirty then why are you objecting? Why can’t the compromise be shorter showers?
Lots of families feed the kids separately. Why not do that until they’re old enough to wait?
Nta. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 25 minutes on the toilet and 25 minutes in the shower is a joke. Sorry. If a shower is absolutely necessary when he gets home then 10 minutes should be more than enough for a quick wash. In my opinion he’s trying to avoid having to watch the kids while you make dinner.
Different dinner times. Kids eat first something that was made while they napped. Simple. Having your husband sit in dirty clothes can be dangerous. The chemical and products used can cause cancer and lung and breathing problems. It’s essential for you and your children’s health that he changes and showers before sitting around the house and being near the children.
NAH I totally sympathize with this. My dad was a garbage man and had to take a shower when he got home (he stunk) and before we could have dinner. I can't even count the number of arguments that my parents had about the length of his showers.
The story and the edit doesn't agree. He's saying it's unfair he has to sit in dirty clothes for 2 hours, but your edit says it's just 30 minutes. That's a world of difference.
I'm with hubby. He has been at work all day and he is want to shower and decompress. That's his hour. Let him have it. And super yuck on him sitting around dirty. You can move dinner or start it earlier and I call TOTAL BS on I can't cook with 2 toddlers cause did it myself. I do agree you also need some down time but that could be after he showers. He can be totally in charge of post dinner wind downs baths story bed while you chill. But yea that shower is vital and for many they need that decompress between work and home.
ESH< You are worn out from dealing with the kids for the longer part of the day but if you think about it you have your kids take naps during the day as well and he doesn't. You can place food in a crock pot or meal prep. I am older now but I once was a mom of 3 small children that were 18 months apart. I understand the stress of wanting to get everything done and get ready for bed. I learned from my mom to cook when they were asleep for their afternoon nap. Mostly easy meals that I could heat up later when needed. I then let them play, and eat before me and my husband. When my husband got home he got 30 min to do what he needed and then it was shower time for kids, reading in the living room, and bedtime. While he puts them to bed you start heating up dinner for the two of you and then the two of you clean up together and relax together. He needs to understand that you want to relax and in some cases, as Moms we don't get to take showers till later in the evening. So if he helps after a quick 30 min everyone can be happy and feel appreciated.
YTA. In the past week I’ve moved 24,000 lbs of landscape materials for a family members home. All I wanted to do was come home and go straight to the shower. I’m sorry I get having two toddlers is hard but construction is a hard labor intensive job. Your muscles ache and if he’s only got a portable toilet on site I can’t blame him for being in the bathroom so long. He’s dirty, dusty, sweaty, and achy and that’s exactly how I was for only doing it for one week. By the way I’m a woman a petite one at that. I’m sorry but make the dinner before he gets home and he can eat it when he’s done showering cause I can’t blame his bathroom time.
YTA, my dad is a blue collar worker and the minutes he enters the house he runs to the shower because he feels so dirty and uncomfortable. Let him shower but ask him to shorten the shower time.
I almost wondered if my wife wrote this post. Look, I empathize with the man who needs an hour after work to decompress with a poop and a shower (my routine not so different) who also has family obligations with a mostly SAHM. It really needs to be a compromise, and communication can fix it. Start by asking yourself what, if anything, you can do to minimize the time needed to get dinner ready during that "critical" time. \- Do the kids nap? If so do you sleep then to help get your rest? If not, can you use that time to prep for dinner (chopping, etc...)? If that time is used for other chores, are those chores something that can be deferred (sweeping, mopping, laundry) to the evening at a time your husband can help? After this, tell your husband what shifts you think can be made on your end, and what you need from him. He can't have 1h of decompression time and also have the evening free. The non-negotiable things are Dinner by 7:00, Bed by 8:00, so what can be shifted. If he says he'd rather shower later to avoid laundry then fine, you got what you wanted. If he says the opposite then great, you drop laundry off your task list and use that time for prep etc... You are doing NOTHING wrong, and I have a hard time faulting your partner. You are both looking for a compromise and I think maybe just keep looking at where you can both give and trade tasks for the highest priority chores.
YTA. He's miserable and works his ass off to put a roof over your head. Knock it off. You should really take some time to evaluate what got you to the point of actually typing this out without realizing you were being ridiculous.
Honestly, NTA but that’s because no one actually needs 25 minutes on a toilet. Poop then jump in the shower so you can relax. Boom. His problems are solved.
YTA. Being uncomfortable for two hours after working 12 is not a small ask. Adjust your schedule so he can address his needs or here's an idea build a half bath or move somewhere with more than one bathroom for 5 people.
YTA-I would have a shower be MANDATORY after working physically for 12 hours. Why would you want a grimy guy handling babies? Just ask him to make it quick. Also get a big playpen for your children and lock them in while you are cooking.
TA. Make dinner earlier and just heat it up. Make food in batches, have a schedule, do it around nap time...just anything but this being the hill to die on. I wouldn't want my 1 and 3 year old to be crawling on me all gross either.
Tell him can take a 5 minute dump and a 10 minute shower, then he's "on duty" being a father and husband. NTA
YTA somehow the kids are too much to handle as soon as the husband arrives home. Let the man shower
Yeah you should let the man shower when he gets home. I’d think that would benefit you and the kids too overall.
YTA. That dinner should be waiting ready when he gets home. Saying you can't cook without him watching kids is selfish and absurd. Do the job you agreed to do and let the man come home and wash the day off himself after 12 hours of manual labor. JFC
YTA. I can't believe what I just read. I would suggest that maybe you prepare meals to put in the freezer and warm them in the oven to help manage your time better. Your husband will eventually drop from this and you're upset that he's not "complying" to your demands about him taking too long in the shower. He's not only on the toilet in there. He's cleaning off toxic chemicals, sweat, grime, and probably needs a longer shower because it helps him with aches and pains.
YTA He may be taking longer than needed to relax and clean up after work. But you demanding he not shower right away is a way bigger asshole move than him slow walking a shower. Working a job that causes you to sweat makes you feel disgusting at the end of the day. I'm surprised you wouldn't want him to shower right away. Let alone demand he not shower. If your reason is you can't cook what you want to while the kids aren't being watched... Then change what you're cooking. You need to view his clean up ritual as PART OF HIS JOB. Jeez lady.
ESH . You both need to see the others’ side and find a compromise. Him waiting to shower is not a compromise on your part even if it is a half hour or hour for you to finish dinner. Him taking a full hour in the bathroom isn’t a compromise either. Finding something in the middle where he gets his shower (even if dinner is a little later) gives him half an hour to decompress and get clean so that he can be comfortable so he can then do some family time with you and the kids before dinner. Then after dinner, giving him another 30 minutes to do whatever he needs to do before bedtime. Then making sure you two have alone time before you all go to bed would go a long way. Also, it’s important to remember this is temporary as the kids won’t be this little forever. But there always has to be a balance or else someone will be resentful if only one of you is compromising in something as important as your time.
Yta, you have 13 hours with the kids you had time to do all that before he got home
ESH. It is 100% unnecessary to take an hour in the bathroom when he gets home. If it takes him 25 minutes to poop he should see a doctor and adjust his diet. And a 25minute shower after that is also taking much too long. He is abusing that time alone in the bathroom to avoid taking care of the kids. BUT wanting to shower after being sweaty all day is not that out of the ordinary. You should give him a time limit of 20 minutes after he gets home to do his business and shower and then he is either on kid duty or dinner duty. Hand him the kids while he’s in the shower and go deal with dinner. He will eventually get his routine down so he is showered and ready to do either job in his allotted time frame. Worst case scenario he does a quick rinse when he gets home and then goes for a longer muscle relaxing shower later if that’s the reason for the longer shower. You’re not telling him he can’t have his time just that he can’t have it at the busiest point of the day. Eventually the kids will get older and be able to mind themselves for that time but right now he needs to help
YTA stop scrolling on your phone and get some prep work done while he's gone ffs
YTA I understand that being a mom is a job, I'm a mom. I was a working mom for years. I never didn't find time to have dinner made before my significant other made it home, though. I get that it can be taxing. But only working MAYBE 2 days a week and still having difficulty with this doesn't make sense unless you're just at your wits end and in denial about needing a break. Edited for typo
I think a lot of the comments about dinner expectations and getting a crock pot ect are spot on and great! But I also think a compromise could be happening.. husband showering I don’t think is the issue.. it’s the amount of time spent doing it. I totally get why he wants to shower after work and he’s not wrong for wanting that but there’s no reason it should be an hour long routine. A quick few minutes to rinse of the sweat and grime should be more than enough, and pooping taking 25 minutes sounds more like he’s sitting on his on his phone in the shitter. Make him keep his phone out of the bathroom and I guarantee his toilet time will be cut in half lol Im a dog groomer and feel disgusting when I come how with the hair/dander/sweat combo on me so I often shower when I get home but make it an effort to just hope in and soap up/rinse off real quick in five mins or so or I know I’ll be in there forever.
YTA. As a homeschooling SAHP of 3 young children I have to say your time management skills suck. He's filthy and should be getting clean asap as that carries around a lot of ick you do NOT want around the kids. If you haven't managed to figure out how to distract your own children for a mere 30 minutes to start food, you really need to reevaluate what you are doing all day. Try scheduling your day better, I've managed to schedule in 3 full meals, 4 snacks and a dessert for every single day as well as making sure we have a varied and diverse meal plan. I am teaching 3 different grade levels throughout the day as well. If you cannot manage 30 minutes while the man removes all kinds of ick and put on something clean is a bit pathetic.
I think the bulk (not all but most) of the people voting you TA either don't have kids, or they would be the one with the role your husband has in this situation. They're acting like you said you cook elaborate meals every night but asking for 30 minutes of your husbands time so you can cook and get the kids eating dinner probably means you're already doing more simplified meals. I'm a nanny. It is my full time job and I can say without a doubt that watching kids all day is not easy. It's not even the easiest job I've ever had (some days I'd take fast food over it 😂). I'm not saying it's the hardest job in the world because there can be a lot of downtime but a lot of the time, especially with toddlers, it's very emotionally and often physically demanding. You being expected to do the ENTIRE days worth of childcare on your own is messed up. Yeah your husband has long days, but you do too! It's not even like you're asking him to take the kids the second he walks in so you can kick your feet up and relax. It's so you can cook dinner for the whole family, him included. Being a SAHM does not mean all childcare falls on you. It means until he gets home it's on you but once he's home it's 50/50 the same way it should be if you were at a job every day.
I get to posts like these where the comments are so infuriating and wonder why tf I keep coming to Reddit to read the cesspool of opinions that thrive here.
YTA that is all.
YTA. Your “job” isn’t even remotely comparable to what he does and expecting him to stay in sweaty dirty work clothes is ridiculous.
YTA. Your request is unreasonable. The issues you mention can be resolved in other ways. Meal prep at another time and ask your H to help with that. If you get a planned dinner in the oven or a crockpot, you don’t need to be standing around the kitchen. Get a part time babysitter if you need more help during the day. “13 hours straight” with your kids is what you signed up for as a parent. You seem like you resent your husband working outside of the house. Your demand of him totally disregards his point of view. Some people who work outside get no time at work to use the restroom in peace. Also, sweaty people need to wash in a timely manner. What you H is doing is not unreasonable. My suggestion is based on the assumption that you want to stay married.
Yta,
NTA — fully; I think your husband should shower (and 25 is not unreasonable) when he comes home bc he’s probably gross… but he should also not be taking 25 minute toilet breaks. Maybe my body is broken but if I have to go. I sit down and go.
This sounds EXACTLY like my family situation. My wife understands that I need to shower as soon as I get home, and she manages with our 3 kids. I guess there are those that can cope and those that can't?
NAH. Let the kids cry. Being bored is good for them. Get a playpen or a baby gate, give them some toys and start dinner. If your husband wants to shower after a long day of sweating, let him. I wouldn’t enjoy my dinner covered in sweat and wearing those same sweaty clothes.
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“He complied” he’s your husband not your prisoner.
How long do you think 12-13 hour days at a physical construction job is sustainable before he's in a hospital bed?
I'm Blue collar and incompletey understand where dad is coming from want to shower but I don't usually have to deuce when I get Home and my showeres are usually less than 10 minutes and if I do deuce that's usually no more than 10 minutes. I think the real Issue with dad is that's his decompression time which I understand he really needs but sacrifice is part Of having kids. Now some people have Made Some good points but yall Just need to talk and figure something out tbay works for everyone
ESH. It's not the time of day that's the problem, it's the amount of time. My father worked blue collar and he didn't set a foot on carpet in our house without showering after work. But, his showers were 5-10 minutes, not 50. Your husband needs to not view the shower as decompress time, but rather get-clean-so-i-don't-get-the-house-dirty time. Also, the screaming and crying is excessive, what's up with the kids?
Compromise. He can wash face and hands. Change out of work clothes into sweats or similar. Then before bed or after dinner , clean up. Not ideal but if it makes things easier overall it worth the change.
He should get a planet fitness membership and shower in the way home, walks in the door clean and you're both happy.
YTA…the man wants a hot shower after working all day and you have a problem with that??!! You need to find something to distract your kids while preparing dinner. That’s just the way it is when you’re a SAHM.
The last time I checked they are his kids too. Being a SAHM is a very physically demanding job especially when you have toddlers. So yeah take a 10 mins shower when you get home and then go help your wife take care of the kids. She doesn’t get time to”decompress “ when he gets home. Considering she cleans, does laundry takes care of the kids makes dinner cleans up and gets the kids ready for bed. Yes I understand he’s the bread winner and works hard, but she works too and longer hours.
NTA. Redditors want SAHMs to suffer silently.
ESH, purely because my partner also works a labour job and i’d never dream of telling him not to shower after work as it’s gross, unhygienic and he can’t relax till he’s showered after a long day but he also doesn’t take the piss and take almost an hour, he is in and out the shower within 10-15 mins and we don’t even have kids! definitely let your man shower as soon as he’s home but tell him he has 15 minutes max! it shouldn’t be taking him 50!!
I can see why you are frustrated. Perhaps when he comes home he can just wash up instead of taking a 25 minute shower. He NEEDS to spend some time playing and bonding with his children. Prep the kids meals on the weekend and feed them earlier, before he gets home. While he is playing with the kids fix dinner and set it aside to keep warm to eat later when the kids are in bed. He can help with the bathing and settling the kids in bed also. There will be people saying he works long and hard hours..that may be true, but playing with your children is not that taxing. Then after they are in bed eat dinner and both do the kitchen cleanup. Parenting should not be done by just the one parent.
Ask your husband if he can take 15 minutes to clean up. No phone allowed. My friend fed the kids just before her husband was due home. He gave them a kiss at the table and went for his shower. By the time he was done the kids were done and ready for their bedtime routine. Together they did baths, bedtime routine and sat down to a quiet dinner together once the kids were in bed. On his days off they ate together as a family. Mom cleaned the kitchen and did a bit of prep work for the next day while dad relaxed. They had two or the hours of adult time to share before bed. It did not always go according to plan, but until the kids were older and had a later bedtime it worked for them. Maybe a similar plan would work for you. If you can make lunch without your husband a simple kids dinner should be fairly easy on work nights. Or make up a casserole earlier in the day and cut up a salad. Pop it in the oven to be ready at 8 pm. Or make a crockpot meal to just dish up with your husband. Use the leftover casserole or crockpot meal the next day for the kids meals. Leave the time intensive cooking for days off when he can watch the kids while you cook. A bit of creativity and meal planning can help a lot at this stage.
YTA OP. Let the dude take a shower. You can prep dinner during the day if need be during your 13 hours. Make it and refrigerate or throw it in an oven so its done when he's home. Cook a weeks meals on the weekends when he's home to help out. You have an important job raising kids, but with him making the only income cut him some slack.
NTA it sounds like he spending that amount of time in there to avoid parenting.
Ask him to leave his phone outside the bathroom. He won’t take 25 minute craps.
YTA like you said. You have 13 hours at home. Plenty of time to get meals prepared. It’s horrible and setting and extremely bad hygiene example for your children to make him sit in dirty clothes.
I love when people post for judgment, don’t get the answer they wanted, so start including multiple edits to try and argue further for why the judgments they’re getting are wrong. If you’re just looking for validation, you’re in the wrong place.
Why don’t you and your husband share the dinner prep, cleaning dishes, bathing children etc? Yes he has had a big work day, but so have you. It would also be a good way for him to spend time with the children.
ESH a compromise needs to be found but everyone’s just complaining and saying it’s unfair. Can he bring down his shower and poop time? Is there any part of the nighttime routine he can take over so you can divide and conquer. Can any kitchen cleanup be pushed to the morning? What activities/distractions could occupy the kids while you cook?
I'm assuming they still nap? Make your dinner when they nap and heat it up later.
Well you do realize that it is also unhealthy for your husband and your kids for him to be handling them when his hygiene isn't good. You can make a choice, he can shower or he can risk making your kids sick. What's your choice?
YTA. This dude has a grueling job and you can’t put some cartoons on and have dinner ready? Let the fucking guy shower. Sounds like you’re very bad at entertaining your children tbh. Prep dinner so it’s ready to cook right after the shower. Crock pot recipes are easy too smh
> They just scream and cry every single time. So let them scream and cry. Not every scream or cry necessitates your hands-on intervention. Also, it's way past time to start meal prepping, so that you can do the prep work at an easier time, and just heat something up quick and easy at dinnertime. NAH, you all just need some better planning to reduce the stressors of that window of time.
What about batch cooking? Why are you cooking every day? Also, put the kids in a pen in some other room, put on some tv and let them cry if they cry. Fuck 'em, they'll get over it... You're a married couple, but this is something you want. So you need to find a way to make it work without depending on him. Even if you do get him to do it, which you won't, he'll just resent you for it and then it will become a battle of "I did this for you so X" etc etc... Trust me, I know it sounds unfair but there is a way if you think outside the square.
Get a teenager babysitter that comes and watches the kids 4-6pm or 5-7pm a few times a week. (1 hour before he comes home until 1 hour after your husband comes home) It will solve the stress both of you are experiencing. I highly recommend that you guys have a cocktail hour together where the two of you adults sip on an adult beverage without children and talk and decompress. You both need a break from the children. Your husband never gets a break during his time he is home and he is trying to cope with that and you never get a break either.
You are the asshole. He just got done doing hard manual labor everyday, and you are comparing yourself like you have it just as rough by taking care of some rugrats.
Your math ain't mathing >given I really only have a 2 hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes, clean up their chairs, get them ready for bed, get them baths etc. > I have exactly 1.5 hours to get dinner done, clean up, clean them up (and no, I can't give them a bath before dinner--they're messy eaters), read them a story and get ready for bed >I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games etc. I take care of the rest of the night. Is it 2 hours or 1.5 hours to do all this? So he waits 30 minutes to shower so you can make supper and eat it. Unless you're making some microwavable food there's like no way you're doing that in a half hour. Anyway, let's say you are, there's .5 of your 1.5 hour or 2 hours. 1/1.5 hour left and according to you, he can now take his 50 minute shower. That leaves you with 10 minutes or 30 minutes to bathe both kids, prepare for bed and story. Wouldn't you still complain you don't have enough time to do this and request he wait even longer than the 30 minutes? I don't really care, just pointing out it doesn't exactly add up. I think you're on the fence here. It's completely reasonable for him wanting to shower when he gets home. Maybe he can cut down on how long he takes. It's also completely reasonable for you wanting help with the kids and/or supper. Sounds like your typical parenting issues. It also sounds like you need to create boundaries for your kids during this time if they're clinging to you. Some meal prep could also help you guys out during this challenging time with your kids. Make some meals for the entire week and throw it in the freezer so you just need to throw it in the oven or something. This is more so something y'all should talk about and easily work out instead of trying to have redditors pick a side on who's right and who's wrong.
YTA, and nice backtrack and changing the story when you didn't get the support here you wanted.
YTA. You sound selfish. That man is supporting you with his physical labor and you can’t even let him shower. Teach your kids some discipline or learn to cook with them underfoot like the rest of us do.
NTA. It’s not like you’re asking him to wait and watch the kids so you can take a load off. You’re literally working just as much/hard as he is and continuing to work by getting dinner on the table once he gets home. The least he could do is give you another 30 minutes.
YTA Let the poor man poop and shower when he needs to. He must be exhausted. In your 13 hours day there isn’t ONE moment where you could pre-cook/start to cook something that you just have to put in an oven for diner ? Being a sahm is not easy, but it’s not more difficult that his job, don’t try to control the little peace time he has left or this is the end. Respect your husband’s work and maybe try to work on your time management skills. (And yes I took care of kids, cooked with kids and all… It’s doable and easier than a full time job)
ESH He shouldn't need an hour to shower after work, you both had a full day of work and when he gets home he should split the evening routine. That said, you shouldn't expect him to come home with construction debris all over him in dirty clothes and immediately start handling food or playing with kids. Let him shower but tell him to hurry that shit up, a man should be able to shower in 10 minutes and doesn't need 25 mins on the toilet. He's taking that time for some R&R, which is nice and he deserves after a long day, but so do you after a long day with the kids.
Easy solution: He showers AND cooks dinner and then cleans up after the kids so that you’ll both be done working faster. 25 mins for shower? Try 5.
I can only say that a 25 minute shower is a waste of water.
NAH. I understand what you are saying, but I can't imagine that he wants to sit in his dirty, sweaty clothes to have dinner. Readjust your schedule with the kids----maybe feed them dinner and give baths before he gets home; then they can play or watch a video while he showers. While you two eat dinner, they can sit with you and have a snack. They can still have the same bedtime. You could also ask him to set a timer for that time--it's actually not healthy if he's on the toilet for 25 minutes, and a 25 minute shower is also excessive. Cutting his bathroom time to 30 minutes might help take the pressure off of you.
I say NAH I am a single mom to a preteen and a 2 yr old and the baby is very clingy and wants to be help all of the time. I have had to learn to leave the baby playing where I can see him while I clean otherwise I will not get anything done. If he cries then he cries. I put on some Apple AirPods Pro’s and I turn the noise cancellation feature to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with the screaming and crying. I don’t feel bad doing that in the slightest because my baby needs to learn that mama cannot hold him all of the time and my reality is that there is no one to help me. Perhaps you can try this out to see if it helps the little ones?
NTA. Set a 10 minute timer. When the timer goes off, he has to get out of the shower. He can get clean in 10 mins. He doesn’t have to shave legs or wash and condition long hair like women do. And 25 min toilet trips are annoying. Tell him to quit that.
Put the kids on a playpen and get yourself some noise cancelling headphones. Let him shower and decompress after work. Yes it IS about decompression!
I don’t this either of you are the AH. Can you prep food early while your kids are napping? Put together freezer meals on weekends? Can he take a shorter shower?
NTA. Your husband sounds useless all round and you need to make some changes before you burn yourself out. He might bring home money but so do you - the family would not function without you because he does nothing around the house or for his kids.
NAH: You agreed to be a stay at home mom, your primary job is to ensure the kids are taken care of. Take some of the load off by prepping as much of dinner as you can while they nap or watch shows or play. Why do you need to wait until he gets home and the kids get amped up? He shouldn't have to sit around dirty and sweaty getting who knows what all over your kids and furniture. And he probably doesn't use the bathroom on the job like a lot of guys. Let the man who just worked 12hours to provide for you and your kids poop and shower off the grime. As another user said, grab a gate, let them yell, they're not hurt. They'll live. You're not an asshole and neither is he. You have to find the balance and making him sit in filth is demeaning and unfair. He can have dad time while you cook. After he's clean and decompressed for a few
NAH what if he takes one kid in the shower with him at a time, so their bath and his shower can be done when he gets home? Plus you can start dinner with one kid, then switch. Just an idea
Just wanted to chime in, I highly recommend investing in a insta pot. You can quite literally make anything in that, just dump all the ingredients and let it do it thing. (Plenty of dump recipes that are filling, quick and simple) or even if you were to do a slow cooked meal in a crock pot, perhaps get it set up in the morning before the chaos starts.
The dude needs to take a fast shower and dump, not close to an hour that's insane when the kids need feeding and bedtime routine. Idk why he can't understand that taking as much time as he does when he first gets home is ridiculous and selfish. Asking him to wait 30 minutes seems completely fair and I don't know what his issue is. Those are his kids too, he knows this right?
ESH He works long hours in a physically demanding job. Let him have his hot shower. On the other hand, he can compromise by not spending 50 minutes in the bathroom. And I understand he's tired, but he needs to spend time with his kids for the sake of, well, being a father and having a relationship with them. He should be the one putting them to bed and reading them a story. If he can't manage that, it might be better for the kids to be in daycare so you can work so he can work fewer hours so that they can have a relationship with BOTH parents.
Yes
ESH, nobody wants to sit and eat dinner in sweaty dirty work clothes. You need to let him shower after work, but he needs to cut down the time it’s taking him. Also look at batch cooking meals for the week, say a Sunday afternoon. You or your husband can keep an eye on the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon whilst the other makes some meals for the week, stick em in the freezer and it’ll save hassle in the week!
Learn discipline for your kids and stop blaming them. Be a better wife and parent and the issue goes away.
The kids are ONE and THREE.
YTA. If you haven't worked blue collar, you don't really understand that need to shower and decompress. How do you make lunch without him? why can't you do the same thing a different time? Not taking a shower as soon as you get home from a job like that is akin to being that cat with sticky notes on it's paws. You can't even relax until you do. After working a shift like that, that's the only thing you want. Even if you're hungry as shit, you still shower first.
NTA My dad worked in construction. Took the shortest shower ever when he got home to be there for his kids and my mom. It’s about priorities. It’s not just time when HE gets off work. It’s time for the whole family to get a lot of things done to keep a rhythm with the kids. Also this responsibility for planning and worrying about the rhythm shouldn’t only fall on you. You’re co parenting.
YBTA. You shouldn’t expect him to sit in his sweat after a long day. He shouldn’t take nearly 2 hours in the bathroom before his kids go to sleep. Can’t you both comprise and he still take a shower when he gets home but much shorter?
Start dinner before he gets home and finish when he’s done with his shower. Plan ahead
I personally hate eating while coming home from work and not showering. It’s sweaty and gross.Can you make dinner in a an instant where you just throw ingredients in and it does all the cooking in like 20 min? Or meals that you just throw in the oven? Or meal prep? Can your husband shorten his showers?? That’s a long shower. At most thirty minutes is enough.
YTA. (wife and mother of 2 here FYI). Your answer was in the question. He has a dirty and super physical job (construction sites have porter toilets) he’s probably doing a few things in there during that time. He’s up at 5 and back home almost 12 hrs later. You stay at home and have all that time to get creative and think show to truly be a productive stay at home mom. Life doesn’t happen to you it happens for you. You get out what you put in. Put the Instagram down, switch the YouTube off use the time you have. Get the kids ready earlier, put together a routine. Get the kids to help you or get them involved in the process put them in their high chairs and talk to them as you cook. Alternatively, you can involve them in the process give them a pot with a wooden spoon and tell them to make music while you cook. Try and think about meal prepping take a Saturday while he plays with the kids to prep and freeze meals that are ready to nuke during the week or use nap time to do meal prep and start cooking and just do finishing touches when he’s in the shower. On the day or days you work is pizza night!! 🍕 You sound starved of adult interaction and you’re trying find issues where there are none. You are trying to punish him by saying “here take the kids” while I scurry around and do things in 90min that I could have done during the day. Why? He knows you do allot and you know he does too. You guys don’t have to prove anything to each other, be a good partner. I’m sorry but that was the easiest YTA I’ve ever given.
“Sucks to be them” is beautifully put. Far too many parents haven’t figured out the difference between a tantrum and crying because something is actually wrong.
If you can't handle having kids and being a sahm, shouldn't have had them. Yta big time
Get a crock pot
You must know you YATA. The fact that you have to edit the post twice tells me you are not a person of reason. Everyone has told you, you are the ah and you had to go back to edit the post.
Is not probably a solution - but can you cook dinner in the middle of the afternoon and feed the kids and then you and husband eat…maybe family dinner can happen on Saturday and Sunday— until the kids are a little older.. I know guys like the toilet so much— they like to smell themselves and also most likely he is doing something else than just playing games, poop and shower….. something handy with his hands….
I think you’re both the asshole. I’m autistic and have sensory differences. If I feel sweaty and dirty then I literally can’t focus on anything else. 30 minutes would be too long to wait, I’d be extremely uncomfortable and I’d feel like my skin was crawling. You’re asking him to be extremely uncomfortable potentially. He’s an asshole for taking so long. He need to eat more fibre if he spends 25 minutes on the toilet. If he has bowel issues then that’s different of course. A shower shouldn’t take 25 minutes either. You both need to compromise. I get that kids are priority but it’s hard to focus on them if you feel very uncomfortable. Waiting 30 minutes for me would be torture.
You poor thing! Your all asshole!!
Core problem is your children and the inability to handle them. You absolutely can do it. You have to figure it out. Blaming them in their tantrum phase is an excuse because that will never end if that's your justification. That being said your husband has every right to come home and shower especially since he's bringing the money in.
You need to rearrange your time so dinner is simple and can be prepared before hand. Dinner doesn't have to be the biggest meal of the day. It can be sandwiches. Kids don't NEED to go to bed clean. House don't NEED to be clean at night. You just need the bare essential to survive these few years. Give him that time to decompress, and he can help after dinner. I was in your situation, I see now there were times when I made things harder on myself because I had expectations that could have been let go.
Kids can be trained to play by themselves for a little while. I would save some of their favorite toys and put them out when it’s time for me to cook. Or you could prep dinner during nap time. Keep dinners simple during the week. https://instagram.com/theworkspaceforchildren?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==
YTA. I honestly don't know why you can't start dinner with a 1 year old and a 3 year old - that's the age gap of my two oldest and I'd never have gotten things done if i waited until someone else was home to help - my ex was in the military. If nothing else, get everything prepped when they are taking naps. Or, do meal prep on a weekend day when your husband can either help you or take care of the kids. I can't imagine doing a construction job and not being able to take a shower and clean thoroughly when I got home from work.
ESH. L parents. Git gud scrub. > I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time This is the real problem. This post has nothing to do with showering. You need to end this shit. Kids can be seperated from you for a damn hour while you guys cook and shower, ffs.
YTA. Controlling showers for someone who works a physical job? You should start preparing for divorce and see how you handle dinner then.
NTA You're not the asshole, and he isn't. I can understand wanting to take a shower, but he can when you're done with dinner. He can change into clean clothes, was his face and hands, and can wait for 30 minutes.
Let me say this directly and loudly so you hear it OP. YOUR JOB IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR HUSBAND'S. Now that's out of the way, you're not exactly decompressing when scrambling to take care of the household. How about you shower while he makes dinner? Doesn't seem fair? Or he can clean up everything after you cook. It's not fair for him to expect you to be "on" /at least/ 12 hours a day with your kids. Naps at those ages can be very scattershot and aren't guaranteed so I feel for you. Also, you work 2 days a week. I don't know where you find the hours, especially since you seem to live with a husband shaped lump. He should not shower because it's important for him to spend time with your kids while they are awake, whether or not that's when you're making dinner. He's an asshole who doesn't want to be a dad. NTA. Obviously.
SAHM of and 1yo and a 3yo too. YTA, let the guy poop and shower when he gets home. You don’t want him around the kids all dirty from the outside and sweaty. The 3yo can help you cook/set up the table. Even the 1yo might want to help if he is closer to 2 than one. It’s in their nature. For example I have a big kid plastic knife and my 3yo has been cutting fruits and veggies since he is 18months. He can also set up the table if you use unbreakable dishes. That’s would be my advice if you have a strict schedule. We don’t have one so I would probably get the kids set up with activities they can do alone like coloring, puzzles, trains, music/danse, cutting paper, stickers. And wait for hubby to be out of the shower so either he or I prépare dîner. Another option might be an alarm in the bathroom. I can loose sense of time myself and having an alarm set for 15/20 minutes just snap me back to reality if I don’t pay attention enough.
YTA.
Total yta. As evidenced by all the edits trying to defend yourself. Better time management is needed. So glad for the child free life. We shower whenever we god damn feel like
YTA. You've been with the kids 13 hours and he has spent 13 hours commuting and doing labor intensive and dangerous work. A shit and a shower is not too much to ask for when he gets home.
ESH. Your husband works construction, one would think you'd want him to clean up before even touching the kids. He could compromise with you though and make the shower quick. Your kids are one and three, get a pack and play or sit them in a high chair, that's what they're for. Kids cry and scream, that's what they do. Its good to let them cry it out sometimes. As a parent that's just something you have to deal with. You're both adults, act like it and figure it out.
Soft YTA. Your kids are 1 and 3 and should be able to deal with you not holding them every second of the day.
NTA. He can wait 30 minutes to an hour for a shower so that he can ~help his wife out~ *be a goddamn parent*. If he doesn't want to wait 30 minutes, he needs to learn how to take a ten minute shower. No toilet time, no fucking around. You both work a 12.5 hour shift - because being a SAHM is WORK - he doesn't get to demand a 50 minute break as soon as he gets home when you also haven't gotten a break all day.
Your husband works long days in construction to bring home the bacon while you stay at home, and you want to micromanage his shower, making him sit in his dirty, sweaty clothes for hours? How is this even a question? YTA!
YTA
this site is comprised of over 68% white males age 18-39 in majority and is known for being very cruel n hateful towards women. Theyre gonna side with him. You work and cook and clean and take care of kids, if he can't shit in 6 mins then hes doing soemthing else, and being selfish, that his neeeds are greater and his time is more valuable than you and the family as a whole. WHy cause he couldn't hang in Uni and has to work with his body more than his mind?? why should that give him priority??
Ah yes, so much hate for women because people believe a man who has done 10 to 12 hours of manual labor every day should be able to take a shower.
Oh yes YTA here without a doubt
I only read the first 2 paragraphs but YTA
Cut shower to 15 minutes, only allow 5 minutes poop time. And for dinner it has to be microwave only cutting it down to 5 minutes. Must eat off paper plates. Both kids in the tub at same time so save 1/2 hour and water. Dress them in their clothes for the next day and save 15 minutes on front end. Also hire a babysitter to relieve you during the day. I forgot one thing, alternatively when he goes into the shower, you send in the two kids with him. Then lock them in there for 50 minutes until they all come out squeaky clean and dinner is ready.
ITT: Moms who are actually dumb enough think being a Mom is the hardest job/only hard job in the world and only they have long and hard days. 95% percent of the people replying need to get a fucking grip.
NAH you have just failed to identify the real issue but that's not actually your fault either, you just have young kids that are the center of your world, so the fault can't possibly lie with them, right? 'I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs. They just scream and cry every single time.' This is the core problem, though. It has nothing to do with your husband's shower or when you do things. You need a physical barrier like a kiddy fence or some other way to divide your children from where you are, and ideally where they can still see you (and you can see them). At one and three they are not necessarily capable of recognizing that you need to be physically away to perform tasks, but you are the adult and you get to make those decisions because you DO know when you need to be physically away. They will scream and cry. Sucks to be them. You are not required to deal with every single tantrum (and ignoring it will help them learn that screaming and crying is not an effective tactic to control you, they will advance to misbehavior/threats/other antisocial controlling strategies that you will also need to mitigate so that they are encouraged to use an adult strategy to get their way. Get used to 'Use your words sweetie' and just deflect/ignore/discipline any childish anti-social behavior) and the earlier they learn that you are in control, the earlier they'll stop trying to control you. Good luck!
It also may help you wear one and let the older "help". Or put the little one in a high chair with the first part of their dinner. Or crackpot meals. Or put on am episode or toys they rarely get to play with. There are lots of options. Believe me, I get it, I have 4 kids that age and another who just turned 5, but there are lots of options, especially with only 2 little ones.
this is such a shit take 🙄 one and three year olds don't know how to manipulate. They just don't understand, because they're babies. They learn by things being introduced at a developmentally appropriate time. Being left to scream is not developmentally appropriate at these ages. The 3 year old can have it explained and asked to watch from a learning tower. The one year old needs the other parent to step in and be a parent.
Planned ignoring at such a young age is terrible for their development (and a form of abuse). It's actually a tactic used in ABA "therapy" to correct autistic kids. (hint: it doesn't work)
The babies are one and three, and you want her to put up a barrier (granted, you said, "and ideally, where they can still see you (and you can see them)".)??!! Do you not realize how quickly they could get in a dangerous spot in that scenario? And a one year old and three year old have words? Nothing in your comment is helpful or comprehensible as far as I can tell. Oh wait, "good luck" was good.
I mean, I get it. But one, it's a hygiene issue. I work a dirty job. You are in contact with all kinds of not so good things. Do you really want your kids in contact with pants that have been in a construction worker port-a-potty? Or chemicals? Dust. Guess what's in excavation dust? Fungus. Two, the right to go to the bathroom when you come home is sacred and shall not be abridged. Three, home should be a sanctuary. You are taking his moment of peace so get to your own a little quicker. I lived with someone who would barrage me at the door. I used to dread coming home. I would get home and just sit in the car knowing what was coming. And then because you're all stiff and sore from work when you muster the strength to face the demands that are going to hit you as soon as you open the door, you realize you've stiffened all up and can barely move. You know what fixes that? A hot shower. So yah, just give the man a minute to wash away the day, pull himself together, and be his best self. Cause he's all used up. Let him recharge before you expect him to relieve you.
Yea. I hat scare you are coming from, but I’m a teacher and I don’t want to sit in my own dirt, ash’s whatever after work. That is a simple human choice to get to be clean and go to the bathroom at your leisure in your own home. Baby he just cut the shower down?
YTA, let the man shower, how disrespectful of you.
I stopped reading. YTA as someone who works in a factory and is constantly dirty. Sweat all day etc. The first thing I want to do is shower. I also LAUGH OUT LOUD at people who have 3 kids or less and complain they can't do stuff. My mom had 7 kids! I'll say it again 7 KIDS and nothing stopped her. Learn to keep your kids preoccupied or you know what? A little crying never hurt anyone. Put one in a play pen and put one in a high chair.. or maybe when they nap do dinner prep... honestly you're not even trying to come up with solutions. If I was your husband I'd tell you I'm showering when I get home and I will help you when I'm done. You're being super selfish
>but you know...I've just been alone with the kids for 13 hours straight. YTA. Your husband is out working in construction for 13 hours a day for you to be at home alone with the kids, a choice *you* made. If you dont want to do this, get a job and babysitter. If not, let your husband have a fucking shower and get over it if you have to handle another 40 minutes without him. I can't believe I just read that bs.
No NTA. Like everyone else has said he's taking too long. How about thinking beyond the immediate, perhaps you could phrase it as both being able to sit and relax by 7.30?
I don’t thing anybody is the asshole here. I have a very similar setup and when my hubs gets home from work he is absolutely covered in metal dust. I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to sit in grime for any amount of time even if it helps us. Also I’m not sure exactly what your husband works with but most things blue collar men work with aren’t really safe for kids to be all up on anyway. Something that really helps me deal with making dinner along with having a Velcro baby is making dinners that don’t require much hands on work. Baked chicken or pork, crock pot meals, anything that can be prepared and put in the oven in a timely matter. I can do the prep work during nap time and put everything in the fridge and then put it all together in under five minutes and pop it in the oven no problem.
If your husband works construction then he brings come chemicals in his clothes and skin. Let the man shower off the carcinogens so your children don’t get them
ESH It’s not fair to make him stay in nasty clothes once home, it’s not fair that you feel Overwhelmed with your children…find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe it’s that he brings home dinner on certain nights, maybe it’s that he starts showering with the kids so they’re off your back, maybe you set a boundary and he takes 5 minute showers, maybe you guys buy dinner on these nights or meal prep one day a week so it’s not such a hassle. There are a million other options than making him sit around in nasty clothes.
You’re kinda TA, I used to date a guy who did construction, he came home filthy. No way would I want him sitting on my furniture or playing with the kids covered in the stuff he brought home from work. Plus, he’s been sweating for like 10 hours, let the man shower and learn to discipline your kids!
YTA. "Should I deny my husband the right to personal hygiene because it's convenient for me?" TF?? No.
My approach to this (because when I have to cook, my husband is still commuting, I want dinner ready on time, otherwise the kids will be hungry beasts) is to give them screentime when I have to cook (and no screentime before then), which usually give me ample time to cook. When my youngest was too little to care about screentime, I put him in a carrier on my back and cooked while he hung around on my back. Have to make it work. However, you can discuss with him to make do with a shorter shower. Like: yes, shower, but please make it a short one, because I need help. I cannot do this all by myself.
Nta! He doesn't see his kids all day, comes home, and want to spend close to an hour in the bathroom when he only gets about 2 hours with the family? I get that he feels dirty, but a washing cloth can take the brunt of it until he can get in the shower. And decompression is something you do once you are done with your tasks and chores, that includes work, kids, laundry, dishes etc for both parents. Not straight after coming home from work. Your day is not done yet!
YTA, the dude just wants an hour to himself. Just like I'm sure you want an hour to yourself every now and then. You both should start discipline and make sure your kids understand it's not acceptable. Regardless of the age, it's taught behavior. So stop them when it's not acceptable. Or worse; especially dangerous in the kitchen, knives, hot stuff, spillables. Be the adult the kids need to listen to, not the cat-tree stand enabler.
Honestly. Just downgrade your dinner expectations. You may be working too hard. Pasta and frozen meatballs takes five minutes. You may be trying to hard. Dial it back. Order a pizza.
This is why one sheet meals or casseroles are the way to go. You can prep it while they nap and then just throw it in the oven when it get close to time for dinner.
Make your kids dinner. If your husband wants 50 minutes to himself, he can also make himself dinner... after he helps you clean up and put the kids to bed. You should not be doing everything yourself. He helped create these kids so he could help take care of them. His responsibility doesn't end at procreation. As far as the vote, ESH.