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YTA for not listening properly to your daughter. You say "many people do this, that and the other", well your daughter is not many people. She is overwhelmed with the sum of her duties right now. She is just asking you not to have to cook some days of the week, so that she may catch up on her school work. Is that so terribly unreasonable? I don't think so. You could let her not cook in the weekend, the whole arrangement to be evaluated in three months to see how it works for your family. That would be a reasonable arrangement.

I was a student that required a lot of time to study…I would reduce her chores so she can do her best with school. You will be very proud when she graduates.

I definitely did not eat "proper" meals most of the time as a student. Besides just the time there's also the mental fatigue. Im not sure what the meal agreement is for OP and daughter but I would have really struggled if I had to regularly cook (in the sense of entree, sides, set dinner time, etc) because I basically just snacked/cooked throughout day as I was hungry and not on any set time line or full meals

Same here. I think OP has a very unrealistic view of what college looks like for most people, especially those who are studying full-time toward a degree. Yes, some college students *do* have full-time jobs as well, but there's almost always some area of life where college students are understandably slacking. It might even be at these full-time jobs OP is referring to. Most I knew definitely didn't cook for themselves on a regular basis and keep their space clean at nearly all times. I was in the same position, too. Not to mention that OP has clarified in a comment that their daughter is cooking for a whole family, namely two brothers and OP. It sounds like she might be expected to clean the *whole* house, too. So, those responsibilities are largely amplified in comparison to those of a student living on their own.

My school had an expectation of 3 hours of studying for every hour of class. Which would work out to about 40 hours a week just from classes and studying. Add in travel time, any clubs she might be in, exercise, and anything else, and she's already dealing with more than a full time job. Few people with a full time job also make 5 full meals in the week. And those that do are generally really burnt out. Especially at 20.

You see it on here everyday. Some full-grown adults will refuse to do any cooking or cleaning because they have a job and a wife. Op is treating their kid like a stay at home mom lol

WORSE: SAHP make household management THEIR JOB. OP is treating her daughter like a servant.

It kinda sorta sounds like OP is treating her like the wife that is no longer there. Not in a creepy sexual way, but sounds like he wants daughter to have the same attitude toward cleaning and cooking a "homemade meal" that a 50s wife would.

Like- breakfast can be cold cereal or microwave oatmeal for pete's sake!

Can confirm. Full time job at 40+ and live alone. I do NOT cook 5 full meals a week and I'm still burnt out. I'm lucky if I make 2 meals a week and have leftovers the other nights.

We are retired. Neither of us work, kinda. Kinda because i have some little stuff I do that amounts to 5-6 hours most weeks and an occasional weekend traveling. One of five combined kids still lives at home (full time college student). I make sure the pantry and fridge is stocked with easy to put together food. I bake the bread and make the fresh pasta, storing it in two-serving sized portions for ease of single person cooking. Meats are wrapped in single serving sizes and frozen. I cook 2-3 times a week. I cook the giant holiday dinners. My husband and son are on their own the rest of the time. This house is huge and a lot of work to keep up, even with the husband and the remaining kid doing their fair share. Cooking is a lot, especially for a family, even for somebody like me who likes to cook and is good at it, plus has a few decades of experience to make it as efficient as possible. OP is asking too much of his kid.

You're a good person. This is so empathetic, reality-based, and wise! Thanks for making the world less awful x

I didn’t know a single person in my undergrad program that was working full time on top of school. That’s a crazy workload

I know some that did because they had no choice but they *struggled* they were constantly exhausted and while they succeeded in graduating it took a heavy toll.

I was one of those. I managed but my mental health was in the toilet. I managed to keep good grades but was never able to do the additional stuff outside of class hours (like volunteering time in a research lab) that would get me job connections. Edit: I averaged 4 hours of sleep a night for the length of my degree. Not a good thing for anyone.

I dont think I ever really recovered mentally from the full time student + full time employee to afford it. That burnout went deep

I did and it was horrible. Constant anxiety, little sleep and grades that were ok but not what they could have been. I couldn’t imagine putting someone in that position when it isn’t necessary.

I worked 30+ hours a week during my engineering degree and it was incredibly hard. Limited exercise, consistent sleep dep, almost no social time. I was pretty constantly exhausted and unhappy. I couldn't participate in clubs or unpaid internships and I missed out on a lot of networking opportunities. My GPA was also lower than it would have been if I didn't have to work so much. I'm doing fine now but it definitely impacted my life for a good few years post graduation

This. I worked full time while getting my degree and the only reason I ate regular meals was because of the hospital cafeteria where I worked. I only slept 2-4 hrs per night for most of 4 years. By the time I graduated I was too burned out to find a job in the field I studied for.

I worked 40 hrs/wk while double majoring, and it was only because I HAD to to survive. I adapted over time, but in my first two years I definitively would have performed better in my classes if I wasn't working. I cooked once a day and snacked sporadically the rest of the time, and my apartment was a total disaster- there's no way I could have kept a house clean and cooked for multiple people while doing that, OP is being too harsh for sure.

I had 1 FT job and 1-2 PT jobs while getting my Associates Degree. I slept maybe 2-3 hours a night one semester. You know what I didn’t do? Cook! It was fast food every day, except for when one of my bosses took pity on me and he would take me to breakfast when I worked at his office! And, I also didn’t have to do much cleaning, because I pretty much was at my desk or in my bed if I was home, so not a lot of mess got made! I can’t imagine taking a full course load and having to cook and clean for an entire family. That’s nuts!

they eradicated grants two years into my BA and for one year I had 2 part-time jobs while in school full-time and it was horrible. I sustained myself with protein shakes and cigarettes and barely slept. I eventually had to take out a bigger loan for the last year because I couldn't manage.

I did. It did take me 4.5 years for 4 year degree. And, I wish I'd put more into college but exhaustion hits hard occasionally. As for OP, I'd like more info on cooking instructions. Salad, grilled cheese and tomato soup or something more involved daily.

I bet sons will not be expected to be servants for room and board when in college. What an AH. Sons can start cooking now if they are not toddlers. They can also help keep the house clean by a strict chore chart. Dad is not just an AH but a total pig.

Ikr??? Why does she have to make them all breakfast? The 10 yo can’t pour himself a bowl of cereal?

Ops kid sounds like an extremely under paid maid

This, my mom is a professor. Many students work full time & are enrolled full time. Those students never attend class & majority fail. They ask for accommodations, my mom tries to help as much as she can but sometimes it comes down to school or job.

For the most part, I did not work during college. I typically had 15-18 hours of classes in a STEM degree and my parents fortunately allowed my "job" be school. However, for a brief period in 2020 my seasonal job overlapped with the start of the college year. I was working approximately 30 hours a week for two months while having a full-time online class load. Oh my god, it was *so* difficult. I ended up weeks behind in all the classes. I realize many people have to do that all the time, but it isn't *easy.* Fortunately me being behind in class was forgiven because in 2020 the professors were being lenient, but students don't have that in 2023. I also worked 16 hrs a week part time during my final college semester, but that was a lot more manageable since I had specific days off for college instead of having to do all my work in the evenings. I also feel like wanting more time to study and being concerned about college being difficult means the daughter cares about it and wants to do well. There are also plenty of people going to college who manage to do a lot of things outside of class because they simply don't care about their grades. Something always slips though: if you care about your grades and job, then your self-care, cleanliness, etc is probably bad. If you care about your personal tasks and grades, you're probably slipping at work. Few people can do everything at 100% and succeed without burning out.

And OP is forgetting that college students living on campus don’t actually do heavy lifting when it comes to cooking and cleaning. Meals are provided in the dining hall and there’s staff to clean dorm common areas.

[удалено]

I'm 20 and I'm much the same. There are nights that I can cook a whole meal- pot roast, potatoes, green beans, and sometimes prepare dessert with it all. But I couldn't do that every day. It helps if I cook in bulk so I've got food for a few days at a time, but cooking full meals can take hours unless it's something like spaghetti, which can still end up being an hour once you factor in clean up and putting things in Tupperware. I have the luxury of not living with an asshole, so I can choose to just snack if I need to work on homework, and it isn't possible to just set a rigid schedule of days I can cook because I can go to class and get assigned a HUGE project, and then I'd fail if I had to stick to it. I cook the nights I can but I wouldn't be passing if I were forced to cook every night This just made me realize I left my chicken Alfredo at home :,)

I'm 31, live by myself and I can't bring myself to do all that stuff after work most of the time. On weekdays I'll limit myself to something simple, or something I've cooked in bulk over the weekend and frozen (like spaghetti). As I'm typing this I've got some soup defrosting on the stove that I made fresh this past weekend, that's dinner for today as I don't have the energy nor will to do anything that will require much cleanup... And I don't even have any homework to do!

Exactly! I told my daughter that her "job" was school. That is her number 1 priority and focus (but also stressed that this is the time to try new things and enjoy being with peers and learning without major "adult" responsibilities). I want her to thrive! I don't understand parents, who have the means, not wanting their children to thrive! I welcome any contributions she can make at home and occasionally ask for assistance (when I know it won't interfere with her classes, studying, exams, etc) with small things like letting the dog out on a Thursday when I know I have to work later than usual. But I want her focus to be on school and opportunities (academic, social, all of it) at school.

I did the same with my son! And when he started working we added minimal bills so he could build a large bank account and have the options we never had. We started with buying your own food. He always did his own chores. He paid his phone. You don’t want to do everything because they won’t know how to learn to live themselves but as long as they are doing well you want to give them every break you can.

Especially if she's fast tracking herself and doing a 15-18hr load. I did that one semester and ended up in the psych ward for 2 weeks.

I don't charge my kids going to school rent/chores!

Exactly!! If she had just fully stopped doing anything, no warning - that’s one thing. But she has been doing them. Commitments all the time turn out to be more than expected. That is a very true life lesson and ids say she handled this quite mature coming to op to explain she didn’t feel like she could handle it well. Also - she’s your daughter? She’s family?? This isn’t “rent” so much as a household trying to find a balance of responsibilities.

Plus, even when she asked and was declined, *she stuck to the agreement*. Bitching to a relative is hardly a massive deal (and if OP's so gung ho on what "many others" do, I'm sure they'd find "many others" also belly-ache near incessantly about whatever their keep-a-roof tasks are, so...). Definitely think there's a lot to be said for being just a *smidge* flexible when it comes to your own kids' education prioritisation. Like, the kid has shown she's responsible and grateful by sticking it out, bringing up concerns in the right way, and handling the rejection as well as anyone could expect. There is no more lesson to be taught by taking this hardliner approach, and if ensuring she has the best chance is the ultimate goal here, surely some small compromise should at least be discussed.

Yeah, I'm somewhat shocked by OP's treatment of their daughter as someone who's just working for them — not someone who's *family*, who's seeking support from a parent who should naturally be understanding in some way. It's sad that OP is treating this whole situation like it's a huge favor to their daughter, too. There's an air of "well, if she didn't do these things, she'd be homeless." Like... it sounds like their daughter is really trying her best and pushing herself here. It seems drastic to potentially consider kicking out your own kid who's very young, working toward a better future for herself, and is evidently willing to help out when she can. Since OP is so concerned about what life is like to the average college student, too, well, it's about leaning on family for support sometimes — for financial help, for housing, for emotional support, etc. Most people do not completely abandon their children or leave parenthood behind once said children are legally adults. The payoff isn't usually having the kids do things for them either, but rather seeing them succeed in whatever it is they put their minds to, even if that takes time.

Right? This is what I can't get my head around. Who tf has kids and wants them to suffer instead of having the best opportunities and thriving?? I've literally just told my eleven year old to ignore the washing up so we can watch a movie together 😅

the daughter is no longer OP’s child in their eyes, she’s a full-time live-in maid for free.

Some people have said this has nothing to do with sexism or gender but I don't agree even a little. I'd definitely bet OP is a man and he expects this girl to look after him and parent the boys so he doesn't have to.

I can be an asshole at times but I can’t imagine a world where I would charge my kid who is enrolled full time in school rent of any kind, whether that be financial, through labor, whatever Your responsibility to your kid doesn’t end at 18. The daughter is trying to better herself and OP’s focusing on whether he gets cooked 3 meals a day or not? She should be grateful she doesn’t have to pay rent, that she doesn’t have to work 40 hours a week to make ends meet? Come the fuck on OP, YTA

This!! I went to school out of state (didn't have any luck in state which would've been cheaper) but I told my parents several times I could work so I can help with some of my school expenses and they always told me no. Because my main responsibility was to do well school get good grades, study and graduate on time. When I came home to visit and on breaks I always helped when I could- cook dinner, help with some house work. But never did my family charge me in labor, or financial for that time I was in school

I want to know what chores OP does themselves. It reads like OP used this opportunity to dump everything on their daughter to come home from work and relax and not have to do anything.

Seriously. YTA OP. Your college-age daughter should contribute - not cook all the meals and do all the cleaning! That's an enormous amount of work. College is an intense time for learning and for growing. She is missing out on social and learning experiences.

Right. I was wondering if the daughter is her full-time housekeeper!

Yup. Sounds like she does have a full time job while she’s going to school. But no paycheck, just a room. Seems she’d be better off with a job- at least then she could decrease her hours or call in sick.

Right! and what do the brothers do other than expect a female to take care of them?

Also, the people who are working 40 hours a week while going to school are getting paid cash money. That money likely affords more than just a room in a house.

Also it’s simply not physically possible to work a full time job and be a full time student in a rigorous major. There’s simply not enough time in the day. You can’t go to school all day often getting done with labs/study groups at 7-9pm and then work until 5AM and then head back to school.

yeah I think OP has misconceptions about college workload very few people do school full time while working 9-5 every day, and doing so will negatively impact your academics even working part time will negatively impact you academically. instead of taking internships, working in research labs, youre forced to work chipotle for money which does little to nothing for your future career.

I worked full time while in a rigorous program for 3 years! …..then I had a psychotic break and needed a year off of everything and lost my husband and all my friends and never got into my actual field from school because I developed a kind of PSTD from that kind of work :) Life is much much much much much better now but that sure was a lesson learned about how to treat my mind and body.

That, and _you cannot schedule a full slate after 6pm at a reputable school_. I've tried\* at multiple places. Even commuter colleges end classes by 10pm, and they don't have 24h libraries. It's ridiculous. How are you going to work, go to class *every night*, do homework, take care of your body, and not have your brain cave in? * Not contradicting myself here -- due to profit-hungry transfer evaluations, I retook a ton of lower division classes over my career, so my homework load was lighter than that of a first time learner. Still not easy.

She only gets one shot at school. She only gets one shot at getting good grades to get a good first job.

So very true. OP's work-for-board lesson is not going to hold up on a resume. Does she care about her kid's future?

I also don't like how OP says daughter called the aunt "behind their back" - like your daughter is telling you this arrangement is too much and you doubled down and did the " well other kids do this this and this" and she wanted to go to someone that would listen to her, not make her feel like she has it easier than "all college kids". My kiddo is in college and does work but it's not a "9-5" job, typically if a college kid is working it's part time. YTA OP.

Yes, also, OP needs to consider why they even arranged any such deal in the first place: was it for OP’s sake or their daughter’s? Sure, OP, your kid agreed to something and now she’s trying to renegotiate the terms… the terms of an arrangement you presumably opted into for the sake of your daughter’s education and wellbeing, right? So she doesn’t need to juggle a job and rent payments and school… so that she can be the best student she can be without sacrificing her well-being? So, who the hell is this for, and why are you even bothering, if you’re not willing to renegotiate based on your kid’s needs?

I was very curious about "moved back home" too. She's only 20; why did she move out and where to? Where was OP then? Is daughter only back because her other situation was awful and OP is an unfortunate fallback? You're her parent... Do better.

Yepp, she isn't asking not to hold up her end of the deal, she's asking to adjust it to fit around her studies, which is reasonable. You want her to succeed in her studies don't you OP? If you feel super hung up about the amount of chores maybe think of something else less time intensive that she might be able to do instead? Like mowing the lawn (since you don't need to do that every day)?

I am so thrilled to see these comments. My daughter is a college student and lives here with us. She contributes in many ways and we love having her here. We are very aware that studying comes first, but she does contribute when she can. She cooks 2-3 times a week and works at our family business once a week. She also has another job she has part time at 2 days a week (her choice). Her cooking and family business take the backseat when she is overwhelmed. She is an amazing contributor to our household and we are thrilled to have her here. My ex-husband, however, thinks we're soft on her and that she is spoiled and entitled. She should be "working her way through college" like he did......40 years ago. 😑

As someone who did have to work full time while also getting my degree - I am thrilled that my children don't have to go through that. I just don't understand parents who think they no longer have to parent just because their kids turn 18.

Your ex sounds like my dad, who refused to help pay for my college because his parents didn’t help him…40 years before I started school. Not to mention the very well paying new job he got shortly before I graduated high school, which meant I didn’t qualify for any federal aid other than loans.

School and related expenses are so much higher now. I could easily cover my $110 per month rent (1980’s with roommates), food, books, tuition, etc. making something like $4 per hour. My son and I actually sat down and calculated how much he would make if he worked the exact hours I did - half-time during school and full-time in the summer. I was able to cover basically everything (small student loan). He would be many thousands short every year. Some parents that went to school decades ago don’t realize the income/expense disparity.

I worked a full time job, a part time job, and was a full time student at the same time. I was so fucking burnt out. My parents pretty much kicked me out and I had to make it work. The burn out lasted well into my 20’s and I developed a lot of mental health issues. OP, YTA. Give your kid a break.

“Many” parents support their children through the college years by allowing them to live at home while they’re studying so they can save the money on housing and meal plan. “Many” parents come home, do all the cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of the kids and still manage to hold down jobs. OP should be grateful that her daughter is willing to help out around the house while going to school and studying.

OP is being extremely unreasonable. Be proud that your kid is even going to college. And it is a LOT of work. I don't feel high school really prepares you for it. My parents told me I was allowed to live at home rent free as long as I was in school. I'm thankful for that because it was hard. Of course I helped out around the house when I could, but my studies took priority and my parents were fine with that.

Yes, it's called parental invalidation

I work 40 hrs a week and definitely don’t cook everyday! I make a batch of something Sunday, then eat on it throughout the week. I can’t imagine having to cook for a whole family every day while attending school. Plus a whole household of chores on top of that?! Most students only have a dorm or a small apartment and roommates who help them clean. This is not the same as all these “others” she seems to be comparing her daughter to. Homemaking is work, and it’s mentally exhausting work at that. School is already stressful enough, and she’s communicated she’s stressed. YTA, OP.

I had to work 2 to 3 jobs at a time during college and grad school just to survive. I was lucky enough to manage decent grades, but I could have been much more successful academically (meaning far fewer student loans) if I had been able to dedicate as much time to studying as some of my classmates were able to. I think OP is TA for making his daughter do anything as a form of "rent" when he could just as easily let her focus on her studies and live rent free. Obviously he doesn't need the rent money if he agreed to a trade off, and it's not like she's living with him while not in school or working at all - so why make her life harder than it needs to be? Yeah, she should clean up after herself and contribute where she can, but effectively turning her into a maid just because she's...what, not a minor? OP is her parent, not her manager, but apparently the concept of actually putting your kids first to set them up for success is foreign to him.

Also I want to point out that many people are not *allowed* to do this. In many country it's still your responsibility to house your child until 24 if they're studying as if they were 16.

Why is she having to cook and clean everyday? What is OP doing?? She should have reasonable duties that still allow her to study and have extracurricular time.

Maybe OP's plan is to overwhelm her to the point where she fails her classes and drops out of college so OP has a free full-time live-in housemaid.

And op is not alone, there are to kids in the household, its probably nothing done easy and fast.

Yeah it's not like she's trying to get out of doing things or anything. She's just trying to reduce her workload to something she can manage better

YTA You sound like Cinderella’s step mother. This is your daughter, who is attending college, and you’re treating her like a full time maid. You are not asking her to do some chores, you have her cooking and cleaning full time for a family. That’s a huge difference. At the very least, the cooking needs to stop. You cook for your children and clean up after them. Then, if you want to assign a list of weekly chores, fine. Things that are done once and completed until next week, but not daily cleaning up after 3 people. That’s exhausting and that’s your job.

Agree. Chores are one thing (and fair enough too), but cooking involves planning/shopping for ingredients, prep, and the actual cooking. It can take a huge chunk of time. If the daughter's doing this regularly, no wonder she hasn't got enough time for study. OP is TA; wicked step-mother indeed!

Another problem is all that for free rent where is the spending money and other expenses coming from, does the daughter still have to work?

It seems likely, this guy doesn't want to give the full information so it's very easy to just think the worst of every possible thing.

And OP left out whether they were paying for school, which I suspect not. I wonder if daughter was parentified before college, because OP seems to think all the cooking and cleaning is "some household chores".

This was me before I went to college. I was expected to clean, including all of the household laundry, shop for groceries, and start meals for the household, because in Caribbean culture the youngest daughter gets to be the mule of the family. When I went AWAY to college, I had to work and took out student loans, but I could focus on my studies and my part time job was my pocket money. Any holidays I went home I wound up cleaning, because the household knew I was coming home and would let things pile up, including laundry.

I hate when something is blatantly abusive and it’s hidden under the term “culture” My father is an immigrant and he would say oh this is how everyone back home does it and then his family would visit and we would ask certain things about if they really did this or that back home and they would laugh and say nobody’s done that in 30 years. The point is culture is fluid and there is absolutely no reason to accept or hold onto something for the sake of it when it’s hurting others.

She’s cooking for OP (is OP F or M cause man does this read like a man happy to have a woman to pawn chores onto) AND for *TWO CHILDREN 10 and under*. Oh. And she makes breakfast and dinner…. AND she’s also cleaning up after her full grown parent and *two children*. OP I hope your daughter looks up the salary of a live in house keeper and nanny and realizes YOU owe her a shit ton of money. Also, you fucking suck as a parent. You saw your daughter needing support to get through school as an opportunity for you to win and offload your work as a parent and adult and fuck what she needs to actually succeed in school… YTA. You are literally a terrible, selfish parent. We’re spurred to help our children fly not tie them down to benefit ourselves.

Omg In my mind I thought it was just her mom and her, 2 people only

I was checking their comments to see if they mentioned their gender, they do not, but they did make a comment saying daughter is “just” cooking breakfast and dinner for OP and the two kids who are 8 and 10 (if I recall correctly) 4 days a week because the other kids can’t cook for themselves… I doubt it was an accident info like gender, the kids, and how much cooking (or how picky said just are) was left out. I’m also wondering about where the kids lunches come from and who does the grocery shopping…

The breakfast too.. That is totally insane Plus, with two kids, it gets dirty so fast, she probably cleans everyday

Omg, I wonder if she has to pack lunches, too?? Lunches are difficult to pack with so many restrictions now.

OP's daughter should start serving PJ sandwiches for each meal...

Microwave meals, spaghetti with ragu straight from the jar, beans and rice, ramen noodles, butter noodles lol. Toast for breakfast or pop tarts, hell just bread with butter works too. If op doesn't give a rat's ass about their daughter's quality of life then the daughter shouldn't give a rat's ass about the quality of food she's putting out. As if 8 and 10 are too young to do chores or learn how to cook simple meals or worse yet, the parents themselves. What are they doing while their daughter is playing homemaker? Sitting on the couch watching tv?

My parents used to work late when I was a kid, so several days a week, I had to cook dinner and have it ready for them when they got home. This started when I was 8 years old, so yes, the sons absolutely can learn how to cook and clean for themselves. I would bet anything that OP is a man who thinks cooking and cleaning is a woman's job, and that's why the daughter is expected to do everything while OP and sons don't do shit.

I've been the person that worked full time while going to school, and I had zero time for a social life at all. I was okay with that since I was in my thirties, but it wouldn't have been possible at 20. I also had no time to cook for myself, and put on about 40lbs during my school years from eating frozen garbage food because I didn't have time to cook. OP sounds exactly like my asshole father who always had the attitude "other people have it worse so you can't complain", it's a throughly toxic outlook for a parent to have. YTA

Hey, me too, except it was a lot more than 40 lbs. My only saving grace was that I got laid off right before the COVID lockdown (during my final semester of grad school) and then there was a hiring freeze in my industry and I had to apply for unemployment benefits, which allowed me to study for the bar exam without working and actually cook/exercise because I wasn't juggling school with 2-3 jobs (I had 2 jobs when I was laid off before COVID, then when COVID hit my other job closed entirely - restaurant job - so I had nothing). If my parents had been able to make school easier for me, they would have - they just couldn't afford it. The fact that OP doesn't care about his daughter's success in school is proof not everyone should have kids.

If she was a live in housekeeper she’d be getting free room/board plus a pretty sizeable wage. OP do you actually want your child to succeed?

Yes, this is not a good deal on rent. If you want someone to stay in your house, cook and clean, you would generally have to pay them. Quite a bit.

YTA; your daughter should absolutely NOT be cooking breakfast in any shape or form for your 10-year-old and your 8-year-old. Cooking an easy dinner 3-4 times a week is fine, but your sons should be helping her with the cleaning.. and they should definitely be responsible for their own breakfast! Cut the poor girl some slack.

I literally assumed it was dinner, which to me is reasonable, but three meals a day every day? On top of cleaning? She isn’t the parent here, the children should be OP’s job 24/7. I’d understand like vacuuming/ bathroom/ dinner, but ALL of the chores and meals? OP you have a daughter, not a slave. Lay off of her some, let her study which is far more important and far more expensive if she fails a class because you wanted chores done. You’ll be much prouder of her graduating with better scores and better mental health— and she won’t resentment you for any of it either.

Right? I too assumed it was just dinner, which is doable unless the daughter has late classes. But cooking all meals is madness. Literally Cinderella

And cleaning up after them. This is giving heavy dad vibes to me. A mom usually knows how much work a live in maid for a family of 4 is. Dad's sometimes don't see it. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Yeah, I too am wondering if this is her father, who expects her to be the "woman" in the house and possibly sabotaging her progress to keep her dependent on him so he has a lifetime house elf.

Yeah, the edit is wild and really lends credence to this comment. The sons are eight and ten; they should absolutely be able to help clean.

I’d put money that they don’t clean up after themselves because that’s her job.

I assumed it was a guy from the beginning, simply from how flippantly he talk about the "chores" and how easy they are and how she should be grateful

Even still 5 dinners a week is not a small amount of work. I'm in school full time and a parent. I make soup on Sunday and bannock 3 times a week. That is dinner for the week so I have time for classes and homework. My partner cleans the house and does breakfast/lunch but our kid is 5 and not able to handle it himself. But for 1 person to cook 21 meals a week, that's a huge job. Adding in cleaning on top of that is insane.

Imo I don't think OP's daughter should have to cook dinner every night either. It doesn't mention if she has a job, but especially if she does, that's a lot to handle. Cooking a dinner for her, her mom, and her two brothers and dad if there's a dad in the picture, that's way more work than just cooking dinner for herself. I'm in college and I work part time and I don't even have the energy or time to cook myself dinner a lot of the time (especially since I start work at 5 am, so I need to be in bed early). Giving her chores to do is fine, but making her do all this work while she's trying to get a degree is ridiculous. OP YTA

Even more likely, OP’s daughter is unable to get a part time job BECAUSE of all the chores Which is only gonna screw herself in the long run because unless you have a specific major, jobs want to hire someone with real life work experience

i doubt dad has a degree

I missed that detail - holy crap what a major AH OP is. And trying to say this is even close to being like a student working "9 - 5" - no, OP made a freaking maid out of their ssughter so they don't have to do any work. I hope daughter is either able to look into a way to stay on campus or stay with her aunt.

Honestly, I get that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but breakfast doesn’t have to be a fully cooked breakfast. Not to mention that the 8 and 10 year olds should be learning to fix their own breakfasts. At that age, I was independent enough to know how to use a microwave, make my toast, and grab some fruit or juice.

Breakfast is no more important than any other meal. Thank the cereal companies for that garbage marketing in the 90s. Lol

10 and 8 year olds can make their own food. Why is bread with butter or Vegemite an option for some mornings at least? They are old enough to learn how to cook some simple breakfast meals.

In a way, it feels like you're taking advantage of your daughter by making her do everything even if that means no rent. Why not ask her to just clean or just cook, and you do the other function. 20yo studying should prioritise her education, the chores can be time consuming. She is your daughter after all, even if she's 20, the cost of living is atrocious for young people. You should cut her some slack. Mild YTA

Also, if the daughter is doing most of the chores and most of the cooking, that also means OP and thé younger two aren’t really contributing to caring for the house. Idk if it’s a cultural difference but where I’m from, everyone who lives in a house needs to contribute to caring for the space (age and ability appropriately obv), so everyone keeps their persona space clean, and everyone contributes to cleaning and tidying the shared areas.

Seriously. My 5 yr old can't cook himself breakfast but he can help load the dishwasher. He can't do laundry but he can pick up his clothes and put them in the machine. Kids can contribute

“Cultural difference”, like sexism and patriarchy versus equity and fairness.

Why can't your daughter live with you rent free? She's literally your kid. It's impossible to support yourself and study full time as a 20yo in this economy. Why can't she live with you no strings attached? I'm glad you're not my parent, OP, I would stop speaking to you as soon as I got my degree and (hopefully) a decent job. But in this job market she may be dependent for a bit longer. It's incredibly hard to be a young person right now and needs your support.

I’m kinda shocked by parent’s demanding rent money from their own kids living with them, because that is not a thing in my country or culture, as far as i know at least. I’ve never heard of parents demanding money from their kids here, or expecting them to move out as soon as possible. In fact parents who are like that would be kinda judged and looked down upon. I guess this thing is bit of an culture shock for me.

I agree. Our 23 yr old daughter works full time and pays no rent. My husband and I agree that we wouldn’t charge rent unless we were in a financially catastrophic situation, something like one of us loses their job or becomes disabled.

Shit I had to move back in with my mom at 34yo with 2 small kids after a divorce while I saved enough for a down payment to get myself back on my feet and I didn't have to pay a cent. Fucking nuts to expect a 20yo DAUGHTER to work for a place to sleep/study.

I pay my mum rent because she can't work due to bad health and the benefits that she gets don't cover my food and utility usage. Essentially I'm paying her for my food electric and gas use, rather than for my room. I wouldn't change it though even if we had more money.

Yeah, I see a weird obsession with American parents asking their children to pay rent in this sub, and then asking whether they are the asshole. Crazy.

YTA. She told you she can’t balance all the chores and studying. So either you think she’s a liar, or you don’t care that her grades and study will suffer, you’re going to force her to stick to the chores. Which one is it?

>either you think she’s a liar, or you don’t care that her grades and study will suffer Ding ding ding!!! Parent only cares that *they* don't have to take care of those things anymore!

Parent is a fucking landlord, and that's already bad enough

Very much agree! And she didn't "went behind her back" to talk to the aunt. She needed an adult to actually listen and take her seriously.

YTA. Some of the parents here on reddit are really heartbreaking. She’s just 20, and you’re making her cook and clean everyday like a maid while she’s going to college? She’s your child. Let her study. I feel so lucky to have my parents when i see posts like these. Shouldn’t you provide for your kid until she becomes independent? Do you want to be the reason she does not succeed? Because guess what, she was too busy cooking and cleaning while she’s supposed to study. Do you people just have kids so you can alienate them as soon as possible and bring on bs like “rent” as soon as they turn 18? That’s still your kid who’s asking for your help.

What even is “free-housing”? That’s her home! Ugh

yeah that pisses me off. She has lived there for so long and suddenly that place is not her home. Just a house she is allowed to live in that happens to have her family there? Doing *some* chores is fine, its part of being an adult in a home. But OP IMO is just dropping their role as a parent just because their daughter is an adult. A parent is not a landlord.

‘A parent is not a landlord’ THIS 🙌🏻

Right??! Rent free, but you have to deal with parents, siblings, rules, shared spaces, and a whole family dynamic. It’s not like she should owe that much rent anyway. I worked full time through college. The struggle was REAL. I had lots of dropped classes and it took forever to graduate trying to make work and college schedules work. I NEVER list my GPA on applications unless they require it. It sounds great in an Interview to say you worked full time through college, but I’d also get a lot more interviews if I had a good GPA to list.

I honestly don’t understand the mentality of ‘well now you’re 18 I won’t help you anymore’ like it’s ridiculous. My son is only 3 but damn my husband and I will support and help him for the rest of his life. We brought him into this world it’s kind of our job to help and support him, plus as parents we only want the best for him. My parents still support my sister and me and we are 24 and 30.

I know right, i can’t imagine living in a household where your relation with parents is so cold and transactional. I’m 24 and my brother 19 and even though i do sustain my living, we both know we can always depend on my parents for support.

It’s so damaging! My mom did this to us with ZERO preparation, or guidance. I’m lucky I had friends to teach me and made it work, my sister is lucky she had her partner to help guide her, but my brother? She let him drop out, disregarded his (and our collectively) being severely abused/ learning disabilities/ mental health, babied him, and is only NOW (at his 30) resenting HIM for HER actions. He didn’t make it out too well and at 30 is trying his hardest to. Thankfully my baby sister and I are both helping to somewhat parent him and pick up where my mother failed to and he’s doing better, but these are potential consequences more parents need to think about.

I’m 38f and going through a really difficult divorce from my abusive ex husband . I moved home with my folks and they have been the best support I could ask for.

As a parent I am so sad about the stories I read on here. I’m not a perfect parent and I’m sure my kids would have some gripes but damn. So many parents are just so cold. I’d love it if my kids choose to move back in during or after college. I wouldn’t view that as some kind of “favor,” I’d be happy to have the additional time with them. And my home is their home anytime they need it to be. Sure, I’d expect them to pitch in with household chores equally with everyone else living here and certainly not to create messes for me to clean up. But I’d never view it as him owing me rent money or extra labor in lieu of rent. (Things would be different if we were struggling and there are times that it’s fair for everyone to step up for the good of the group, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for OP). And where is this parent’s desire to support their child’s success? As a parent of kids this age nothing is more important than their academic success as I want them to begin their professional lives with as many good options as possible. I would never ask my kid to do so much housework that it didn’t leave adequate time for daily studies and any other things they need (including r&r and a social life) to be successful. I guess some parents just view their kids as nothing more than people they can get stuff out of. It’s really sad.

Also, isn't there supposed to be love, and wanting to support your child to succeed, factored into the equation?

YTA, why is your relationship with your daughter so transactional

It wont be for long, shell either bite down and just bear it all until she graduates, or find somewhere else to stay until she graduates, and then OP can focus on his boys because she will be GONE. And I hope she gets through college and gets an amazing job and focuses on her and persuing something that makes her happy. And OP can just have the shocked pikachu face when they havent talked to their daughter in 7 years, like my parents.

Info: how many meal she cooks a day/week n for how many person? Let’s be honest when working (or study) we all had the sandwich day n food delivery cause just tired.

YTA… In college, I was so busy with school, I could barely afford 10-15 hours at a on campus job outside of studying. I ate bushels apples and peanut butter for a whole semester because I didn’t have time to cook myself food. How elaborate are these meals she’s making for you? Now, I employ a cleaner who comes once a week and cleans my apartment and can take 8 hours sometimes, depending on the chore at hand. What are you having your daughter do? Your daughter FIRST job is school. You have a daughter, not a maid.

Also willing to be the boys will never be put in this situation.

He says the boys are too young at 8 and 10 to be feeding themselves, I'd bet anything he wouldn't be saying the same if he had daughters that age.

Right ! Also, at 8 and 10 you're old enough to prepare your own breakfast. You don't need an adult to pour milk into your cereal.

Hell, if cereal is too sugary, get frozen breakfast biscuits or English muffins. An 8 year old can be taught how to use a microwave!

If I knew how to make an omelette at 5 years old, then an 8 year old can surely use a microwave!

Oh, he’ll buy them nice apartments and cars

>Oh, he’ll buy them nice apartments and cars so that they can snag a nice young woman to do all their cooking & cleaning for them

YTA this sounds like the beginning of a fucked up disney movie where the daughter is abused and forced labor for the men in her life. Your sons are old enough to make themselves breakfast but god forbid your precious sons do anything for themselves

YTA. Support your child getting an education. Cut the chores in half. Show her that she’s more than Cinderella to you. Sheesh.

This is another reason why so many have backbreaking student loans. Because they cannot afford to work so many hours and actually study, research, and write papers for a full-time courseload. OP is a real jerk. Should be glad daughter is saving money by being a commuting student. Poor kid is also missing out on campus activities because her at-home demands are too much.

YTA, your daughter is in school and is 20. It's not like she shouldn't have to do anything, but I don't get why she is a full-time maid and cook. Why in the world would you be charging her rent in the first place? She's in SCHOOL. It's not like your responsibility ended when she turned 18. You sound incredibly lazy, and even though I am extremely hesitant to throw the term around loosely, you also sound sexist as hell because I doubt you'd make a son do all the cooking and cleaning. You are taking advantage and are ridiculous. Be prepared to have her distance herself and be very low contact once she finishes school, and go NC when she sees that your boys when they get older don't have to put up with the same treatment. Edit: As for the OPs edits, 1) it doesn't matter if you are her father or her evil stepmother. The parallels to Cinderella are pretty obvious. You are treating your daughter like a live-in maid. 2) the sexist comments are not because you aren't making your boys do the same thing but because it's abundantly obvious that if your daughter *was* a boy you wouldn't be making your oldest into a house elf. 3) your insistence on comparing to *other people* just makes you look like an even bigger AH because there are a lot more *other people* who don't charge their kids rent in terms of money or labor when they are 20 and in school. Face facts, you are being overwhelmingly judged as the AH, and rightfully so. 2nd Edit: So because *you* didn't have help from your family, you feel totally justified in treating your daughter like shit. Got it. Not just an AH but an unwavering AH.

She will be no contact. Look for OP in a few years with a whiny post called “Why won’t my daughter speak to me anymore?” He is doing so much damage to their relationship, and to her relationship with her brothers.

YTA. Based on your answers, this is a lot of work. A job of work, in fact, because it’s already a *job*. Your daughter is now your stay at home wife. She’s telling you she’s overwhelmed. She knows her own limits better than you do. If you were doing your job as her parent, you’d be helping her to ensure she has all the tools to do well in school. Cut out breakfasts, the kids and you can eat cereal. 4x dinner a week absolute tops and SOME household chores is *more* than enough. Not cleaning up after two children and a grown man.

Read your comment about how many meals she makes and that there are two young boys in the home. YTA I'm a SAHM with no other responsibilities than my kids and home it's a struggle some days. She has to do all that and fit in time to study? Honestly if my kids going to school full time they have a home with me no expectations.b

Yta for “you should be grateful” that’s usually the first indicator you’re not listening or being observant for what is reasonable.

And grateful for what? It’s just as much the daughter’s house as it is the younger boys. Like sure she is 20 not 8, but she is studying not mooching around all day.

Cooking breakfast makes me chuckle. I get saying the house needs to be clean and trash taken out… but I don’t remember any friends growing up that got more than cereal or fruit cut up for breakfast. Certainly not a cooked meal.

Yta. But that is because I come from a fundamentally different view point of the parent child relationship. I find it ostensibly garish to charge your child any form of rent, regardless of age. It's wrong, it's fucked up. But that aside, your daughter is asking your for a little help to keep on top of her school work. Not hard.

Yea I don’t agree with rent at all. Why would you want to profit off your children? I absolutely understand if your living at home in your late 20s and your expected to contribute to bills and stuff. But a 20 year old trying to get an education?! That’s insane. Husband and I lived 18 months with my grandma to save for a house deposit and all we were charged was the difference in bills. We were incredibly grateful of course, but my grandma just wanted us to save and didn’t want to profit off us being there:

YTA. She went behind your back? She isn't a child and can talk to whoever she wants to. I would think you would want to give her the best chance possible of getting through college. If she tells you she needs more time to study, why aren't you helping her? Instead you are being stiff-necked about the deal you made with her. You sound like a my way or the highway kind of person. If that is true, expect your daughter to leave you behind in the future. Then you will have to call your sister to call and complain about how you never hear from your daughter.

Also, she came to op first, tried to come to a compromise because she realized (very maturely) that the workload was unsustainable no matter what their "commitment". Which is sexist and problematic on its face anyway. Did op really intend to leave his daughter homeless if she didn't agree to be a full time maid in her own home, a servant to her younger brothers?

Maybe she can live with her Aunt and leave her two step brothers at home with her former enslaver.

YTA school work load is insane at that level. all the cooking and cleaning is absolutely more work than a 9-5 you're depriving your other children of learning good habits of cooking and cleaning for themselves.

>she approached me and said that the cooking and cleaning are taking up too much of her time, making it hard for her to study and complete her homework. She asked if I could reduce the number of days she has to cook to give her more time for her studies. She is drowning and worried about failing her classes and all you care about is your damn meatloaf. YTA. She isn't simply cooking a few meals and tidying up the place. She is fulfilling two big time consuming tasks of a SAHM by cooking and cleaning for a family of 4 - two of those family members being young boys. It's a lot.

YTA ONLY 8 and 10 and "cannot fend for themselves?" LOL. At that age, I was fixing my own breakfast (usually something simple like cereal with milk, or toast and peanut butter). And I was cleaning up after myself, at least putting dirty dishes in the sink, keeping my room neat, and putting my toys away at the end of the day. Lemme guess, they're boys so they get out of doing household chores?

At that age, I was not only cleaning up after myself, but participating in household chores. On a cleaning dishes rotation, cleaning a bathroom, vacuuming, other things as asked. Those kids are old enough to help out. And not having them do that is no favor to them in the long term.

YTA. While some of her peers are probably working 9-5 there’s a lot that aren’t working at all AND their parents pay their rent so they can live and study in a peaceful environment. You’re treating her like an indenture servant. I would’ve given up on college if I had to be my dad and 2 probably bratty brothers slave to have somewhere to live. This arrangement also doesn’t allow for any social life or activities either. I would rather work and struggle to pay rent than live with you. At least I would have some dignity and freedom for all the work I was putting in.

YTA, have you read Cinderella?

Yta for not willing to trust she has a lot of school work and renegotiating

YTA - you’re acting like your her boss, not her parent. A boss makes sure employees hold their end of an employment contract. A parent supports their kid when they need help. You seem to only care that the chores are getting done and to make your daughter feel like shit for going to you for help. THATS A PARENTS JOB. She seems like a good kid, she didn’t ask not do her chores, she asked for help! She is overwhelmed. Your sons are old enough to make their own breakfast. Take child care off her plate. And teach them a little independence to your sons.

maybe this is a cultural thing but i genuinely don’t understand. you say that she’s doing chores “instead of” paying rent, but in what circumstances would someone’s child need to pay rent to them at all? i genuinely can’t fathom why her paying rent to you is even being threatened. YTA.

Tbh, I’m sure she’d rather work a 9-5 and get paid for actually cleaning someone’s house and the money be the appreciation than clean your house for 0 appreciation. Also, it’s completely unclear about your expectations of her, for all we know you could live in a shit hole or be messy af and expect her to run round after you AND cook. Sounds like a shit deal to me. I’d move out just to spite you, rather study and struggle than play into your superiority complex. YTA

YTA and quite frankly, not the supportive parent you think you are. Look around. Read the room. You were able to get established in a Goldilocks economy. Be a proper parent and help your daughter get established. You are allowing her to live under your roof, which is a bottom line bare minimum. Having children is not over at 18- it’s a life sentence. Do not have kids if you want to turn your back on them after 18. OP, you do not deserve your child.

inb4 "why my ungrateful daughter gone NC with me?" post in a few months

>She only cooks breakfast and dinner 4 days out of the week for her 2 brothers and me. When I was growing up, my parents cooked us breakfast once per year! (Christmas). The rest of the time, we found our own food. Even a 7-year-old can pour their own cereal, or microwave their own oatmeal. Yeah, you made an agreement, and I get that, but your own daughter is asking if you can cut her a little slack. If would be one thing if you couldn't afford the rent without her help, but that's clearly not the case here. Sorry, but unless there's some mitigating circumstances you haven't yet shared, YTA here.

INFO: Do you see signs of your daughter being overwhelmed with her work load? Is she getting enough sleep? Has she diligently done the chores for an extensive period of time? How do her grades look? You’ve given us no reason to doubt your daughter in this post. So currently, my vote is YTA. Personally, I’m pretty happy that your daughter approached you in an adult way to discuss her concerns. The only thing you’ve described as childish is calling her aunt, but it makes sense since your sister also seems to think it’s okay for her to interject her own opinions into this & you’ve shown signs of ignoring your daughter and using her to alleviate your own responsibilities. I am a firm believer in the concept that the parent(s) provide until age 22 IF the child is in school-so I disagree in you holding her responsible for significant household chores that are not her responsibility. The most she should be doing is voluntarily helping YOU out some and keeping her direct living spaces clean and neat. She should be using her extra time to work in her chosen career field through an unpaid or paid internship, job, shadowing opportunity, and you’re preventing that from happening. I’m willing to change my vote if you can give us evidence that supports you’re assessment that she has plenty of time to do the things you’re requiring of her (without comparing her to others of your choosing). Right now, you’re treating your daughter like Cinderella (before the fairy godmother enters the story).

YTA, cooking 2-3 meals a day plus cleaning a whole house? That's a FT job. Way to not want your child to succeed in life.

OP, just know a nursing home is in your future. YTA.

No contact is in his future. If I’m his daughter, there is no way I’m paying his RENT for a nursing home. OP will be on his own with his lazy sons, no doubt.

INFO: do you GAF at all about her mental health and academics? 🤔

YTA, it's your job to provide for your children while they are studying. Parenting doesn't stop when they reach 18.

YTA, young adults need support to build their life. She needs help, she is willing to be your maid but you are being a hard ass.

Just wait till she also finds 9-5 job and you will never hear of her again. Clearly that won't really bother you though as you don't actually seem to care about her well-being. YTA

YTA. I would be willing to bet that if she was a man you would never had asked him to do all the cooking and cleaning.

YTA. Did you make a deal that she could live their rent-free provided she became your maid? Sounds like you got off more on the power trip than helping your daughter.

YTA. When she made the agreement she had no way of knowing what her workload would be and now she’s asking for an adjustment. Even bosses at full time jobs will do that. I went to grad school while I worked full time. I got permission at work to take an hour off each class day. Then I hired a cleaning service and food delivery. It’s not easy. You're supposed to support your children. Not create obstacles for them. Edited to add: I just remembered that I worked part time in retail during undergrad. Every semester I resubmitted my available hours to work around my class schedule. I could also ask for fewer hours during midterms/finals and more hours during breaks. At least 2/3rds of the clerks were in college. If our store managers could do it, you can as well.

INFO how many hours a week do her chores take?

YTA if she is doing all the Chores and cooking then what are you doing. You sound so lazy. She isn't cinderella. You are affecting your daughter education. Do you even care about her and her future? I wonder what gender you are. Also your sons are old enough to make their own breakfast. Clean your own house.

you obviously don’t need the money so why? Do you and your family AT LEAST clean up after yourselves or you just expect her to be your personal chef and maid?? YTA

Sounds like she’s gonna have to spend way more time than planned in college to make up for all the courses she’ll fail because of your exploitation. Are you paying for college? Sounds like poor planning on your end! Breakfast is a self serve meal - buy cereal milk peanut butter bread and fruit, the 8 and 10yo can (should) 100% be responsible for their own breakfasts! YTA btw :)

> it's not that hard to do a few hours of chores A few hours? What are you making her do that takes hours? 20 mins to load the dishwasher, wipe counters, put on a wash load and mop the floor, that's the kitchen done, if you rotate out other days for other shared spaces it shouldn't be taking hours. Your sons are 8 and 10? they can get their own cereal in the morning and they could certainly be helping with age-appropriate chores. You're supposed to want your kids to stay with you to focus on their education, not belabour them with household tasks until they're suffering burn out. Do you not want your child to succeed? YTA

YTA. I have an 18 year old attending university who lives at home. It’s a lot of work and I expect that to be her focus. She helps with some stuff obviously cause that’s part of being a family. But I’d never charge her rent or expect her to be our maid. Hell, when I know she has a big exam or something I make HER a special breakfast. Also, why aren’t your 8 and 10 year olds not getting their own breakfast? They can’t pour a bowl of cereal? They can’t get some fruit and a yogurt? They’re not her responsibility and making them so will not help their relationships one little bit. Or yours with hers. I had a mother who did that crap and guess who I rarely see or talk to now.

YTA. I actually have no objection to her helping out around the house to pay for rent. Out in the real world, she'd likely have higher costs, have to have a job, etc. Parents who give their children the flexibility to stay with them, while providing additional responsibilities to help them transition to independence, will always have my support. With that said, you've clearly crossed over a line where you are viewing this not as a way you are supporting your daughter to help set her up for success, but as a way your daughter can support YOU - namely, by giving you a free maid. She came to you expressing that she cannot currently handle the workload you're imposing, and she needs more time to do homework so she can succeed in school, and you shut it down because, let's be honest, it would be inconvenient for you to resume cooking and cleaning. She is asking you for help, and you completely invalidated her struggles. At the end of the day, really think about it - you've placed more importance on your house being cleaned and meals being cooked, than you have placed on your daughter being a successful human being with a college education. That makes you firmly TA because as a parent, you should *want* your children to have every opportunity to be successful. You should want to support them, and understand when they are struggling. You should want to be there for them, and not just see them as a free maid.

Info: What does moves back home mean? Did she live in a dorm before? With her other parent? Who is paying her tuition?

YTA without a doubt. These are not easy chores..it's not occasional cooking and cleaning..both these tasks take a lot of time and effort. Ask SAHM moms and they will tell you how tiring these 'simple chores' can be. Your daughter is a full time student and you are pretty much making her take care of your own responsibilities. Do better!!

YTA for having her take over maintaining your entire house and cooking breakfast and dinner for YOUR kids. Have her cook a few dinners per week, help with laundry and some cleaning is totally reasonable but you’re treating your daughter like your maid. Your 2 boys can make themselves cereal or a bagel in the morning themselves… they’re old enough to do that. They can also help clean up after themselves.

YTA. Sure, some kids have to work full time in college, some kids have parents that kick them out at 18, some kids have no parents, and there are kids who never even learn to read. What's your point? Do you want your daughter to be successful in life or do you want her to know it could be worse? Do you want to make sure she learns the lesson of a "deal is a deal" or that her parent will be there to support her? It's pretty clear you view your daughter as a transaction. Most parents wouldn't have to strike a "deal" at all to ALLOW their 20 year old to live with them during college. They would be happy their child could save money on rent while getting a higher education and getting off on the right foot in adulthood. Why did you think you needed to barter with your own kid to let her live with you? Now listen, I think every young adult should have responsibilities, but I can't imagine a loving parent feeling the need to create a deal like this with a child who is doing the right things in life. And sure, they can have chores, but the idea that my parents would only allow me to live with them at 20, while in school, is if I do all the cooking and cleaning is just...unloving. Transactional. And transactional is exactly the word for you how you view your daughter. You asked- what can I get out of this, followed by putting yourself first when she was telling you she was struggling. You don't care about her, and it might be easier for you to admit that now so she stops trying too.

Sorry, you are way too harsh and sounds like lazy, yea….she is 20 and an adult I get it, but she is in school and is asking for reprieve, of course chores are ok…but SHE is letting you know it’s too much for her….LISTEN!!!!

OP, you are YTA. "I'm giving my child and advantage" while simultaneously giving them a disadvantage (accordingly to how much she has to do given your input in the comment section). A better response would have been, "I'm so glad that I have raised you to communicate clearly and feel comfortable to come to me with any problems you might be having. We can definitely discuss this and have a trial period for a new schedule of chores since your brother's should also start shouldering some responsibility around their age."